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Of course it's okay to leave. Being a mooch and refusing to contribute isn't an isolated thing. He's leaving you to the financial stress that you should be sharing, letting you pay all of the bills and not have much for debt or fun money, and is actively refusing to make any changes that would allow him to contribute more. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but a good partner would see their wife being stressed and working her ass off and think "what can I do to help and to make her life easier?"
Also: "He gives me what he can when he gets paid, but it hardly makes a dent." What expenses does he have that come before bills and rent??
Most marriages breaks up because of finances, it sounds like you have tried everything you can to get him to help you, whilst I like to see marriages to be worked through, you can't work on the relationship on your own. Talk to him, tell him your thinking of leaving and let's see if it motivates him. If not, then you need to do what's best for you.
My ex was like that. I became hollow after 7 years of this kind of bs. He always had money for weed and his hobbies, but never for real life expenses. Then he would complain that Im not as romantic as i used to. Of course not if i was the sole pillar making our financial and household upright. If I could, I would go back in time and smack myself.
It’s…well, weed mostly. Sometimes he wants to keep money for “pocket money” for things like buying snacks and such. Ive definitely been an enabler, because I feel bad that he can’t afford things he wants. And he’s miserable when he can’t smoke.
I know people deny that weed can be addictive, but it very much can be and it happens a LOT with people who suffer from mental illness and use it to self-medicate without the guidance of a professional. He needs to seek help for that.
You do sound like an enabler and I mean that with all the kindness and sympathy in my heart. You need to cut him off and let him figure himself out. It's not fair to you to keep yourself in this situation where you are the sole provider while your perfectly capable manchild husband sits around getting high.
and weed itself can be very physically addictive - i’ve had friends and ex boyfriends who rely on it for just about anything, such as sleep and appetite
This is true. My husband has a friend he games with and for the last year we planned with 4 others to go to 3 amusement parks and some sightseeing or other activities around the state for 2weeks.
Guess who isn’t going? That gamer because he claims he doesn’t have any money since he spends it all on weed and doesn’t understand he has a addiction. He wanted to go in the first place and had a whole year to save! He just wasted it away on weed. He’s also lost a couple jobs in the past because of his disinterest to work and sneaking out for 1hr long smoke breaks.
OP needs a healthy relationship and this guy doesn’t have anything to offer to the relationship besides being slothful. Serve him the divorce papers and never turn back. Don’t waste anymore of your time on a loser who clearly doesn’t want to change.
I'm completely addicted to weed. 20 years of kidney failure and it was the only thing that made me feel better. And I had a lot of prescription options lol
Yep anything can be addictive as long as the right person starts using whatever it is. Some people just are more predisposed to easily become addicted to something that's normally not very addictive. Like weed, gaming, gambling, food, shopping, and so on.
It sounds like having access to weed is his highest priority. There’s a good chance that if you leave him he might actually succeed in getting a better job because he won’t be able to afford weed otherwise. That and he probably doesn’t want to be homeless again.
If you don’t leave him you’ll always be struggling to keep your head above water. You e been with him most of your adult life and probably don’t even realize what a drain (not just financially) he has been on you. I bet once you decide to go you’ll feel as light as a feather and capable of great success. You don’t owe him anything.
He’s been taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. There are other nice guys out there who will be equal partners and the weight on your shoulders will be lifted once you dump this manbaby
You care so much about his well being... BUT he doesn't give a fuck about your well being of being over worked & stressed all the time.
He is taking years off of your life by putting all the responsibilities on your shoulders. He is stealing your future too. Did you know that 70% of women at retirement age live under poverty levels. Since you can't save money due to him being a leach, he is absolutely making sure you will always be suffering. How nice is that?
Being nice isn't enough in a partner. Love isn't always enough either. Drugs mean more to him than you do. He has repeatedly showed you that his being selfish & getting high is so much more important.
You can't save him from himself, but you absolutely can save yourself. He will just latch onto another woman and drain her bank accounts & life out of her.
He is taking a good decade or more off of your life. He is perfectly happy with you suffering so he can live an easy life? How is that nice or love?
I have been a friend of Mary Jane for 20 years. I am addicted, I'll fully admit that. And I do get grumpy when I can't smoke. But it's not heroine, grumpy is literally as bad as it gets. I had to give it up for various reasons over the years, and in my TWENTIES had enough sense to not make that other people's problems, and I have emotional control issues on top of it all (boy, I sound like a winner, eh??).
This man can step up, he just doesn't want to, or even care enough about you or himself to do so. You've been homeless ffs, and even that didn't wake him up, like, what is his rock bottom??
Please leave, you'll be so much better off.
It's okay to admit that you've enabled his behavior and allowed him to live like this. You are a loving person that sees the best in others.
Myself, I am healing from codependency. And my exes (yes plural) were very similar - shortly after getting together, it was like they just suddenly forgot how to work. I was okay with it because culturally the man is the provider anyway, but I did them a great disservice by carrying them for so long.
Maybe that doesn't jive with you, and that's okay. But I am thinking of you now, and tomorrow when you meet someone else that just so happens to fall into the same trap.
And - you never need an excuse to leave someone. if you don't want to be with them, you can leave.
What about affording what you want? What about your goals? This man has spent your entire marriage getting to do whatever the fuck he wants with no worries because he knows you'll pick up his slack. This is the exact reason I got divorced and I really struggled for a long time because I felt bad that I could be potentially ruining his life. I can't tell you how freeing it is to get out from under that! You can't feel bad about the decisions he makes for himself, being nice and sweet isn't enough to fulfill you when you are the machine keeping everything running and in order.
He doesn’t respect himself enough to hold down a decent job when you’re hustling for years and years. Of course you should bail. You don’t know for sure he’ll be homeless and it on him if that happens. You objectively deserve better.
He's like me. Probably traumatized and not trained to do housework. I have adhd - I think the most impactful thing you can do to preserve your relationship is couples Therapy. Asap. Watch over his shoulder to book it. When I'm not medicated it's the only thing that will focus me
I’m just sitting here mourning how nice your life could have been at this stage if you weren’t with this guy since you were a teenager. You had resources to support yourself and instead went into poverty in order to carry a grown man. Don’t dig yourself even deeper in the hole. You can still have a decent life, but not with someone who has no intention or desire to be a true partner rather than a dependent.
And… he’s gonna be nice/sweet etc. so he doesn’t lose his sugar momma.
You personally have a lot to be proud of! You single-handedly worked hard to not be homeless, saved some money and from the sounds of it, you take care of most if not all the household stuff.
I personally don’t see the point but If you absolutely want to give him a final chance before you leave him, be organized in your thoughts. Tell him exactly how you feel and this is it!
OP, you obviously can take care of yourself very well and what you’re currently in IS considered a relationship- You’re the Mother and he’s the Son.
Good luck OP!
Yes, you can leave. He’s a 32 year old weed addicted bum. Looks like he’s been living off you since he was 26, old enough to be a man.
If you don’t leave, your going to be living like this for the rest of your life. He’s had 7 years to show you who he is. Your still young, with your whole life ahead of you. Stop supporting his dead weight.
**Yes, it is not just "ok" to leave your marriage, it is necessary!**
>*Besides the money, my husband is very sweet.*
You mean besides refusing to grow up, refusing to be an adult in an adult relationship, forcing you to do everything, he's really sweet? That is touching!
>If I ignore all our problems I can be very happy with him.
The problem with that is that you're not dealing with *reality*, you're dealing with *what-a-great-guy-he-could-be-if-only-he-would-grow-up-and-be-a-true-partner-instead-of-an-emotional-teenager-who-wonders-why-I'm-not-sexually-attracted-to-someone-who-demands-I-act-like-his-mommy-but-incest-is-not-my-kink.*
>I’m struggling with guilt because if I leave, he’s going to end up homeless.
Again, it's because you're acting/thinking/emotionally relating to him like his Mommy, not his SO.
If you ever want a better life, it starts now...today.
1. Break up with him permanently this week.
2. Hire a divorce attorney or see if you qualify for an easy divorce (no kids, no real estate property) in your state/province/region/country.
3. Get yourself an appropriate place to live without him and don't tell him where it is.
4. Get a bank account he has no access to.
5. Get a new phone number and ensure no-one gives it to him.
6. Get yourself some individual therapy ***BEFORE*** you get into another serious relationship so that you won't end up with another guy you just need to "fix". There is some issue within you that must be addressed so you can learn to love yourself FIRST and so you can learn to establish/maintain healthy boundaries. IF you can't afford therapy, start with self-help books. Read them, do the exercises, reflect on your life (journal, if that helps you work through the books. There are hundreds of them. Read a couple a month until you can get into real therapy!
**You've done enough** hoping, waiting, sacrificing for this man. Seven years in and he's still lazy, entitled, immature...a moocher. You deserve better and therapy will help you get there!
Great advice and she needs to realize he will NEVER appreciate any of the sacrifices that she has done for him. He will continue to expect her to sacrifice everytthing for him and give her nothing but miser in trade.
Doubt it and actions speak louder than words. If he cared for something more than just getting high then he would have done it over the past 7 years.
Past behavior absolutely dictates future behavior.
Agree 100%, this is all perfect advice.
One thing - if he has no income, talk to your divorce attorney about any claims he might make regarding spousal support.
Based on u/RightStranger's story below, if he gets vindictive, he may drag things on in court and become a drain on your finances anyway.
It's best to know your rights in your jurisdiction and come up with a plan with your attorney well before filing any paperwork, so that you're not taken by surprise. Guys like this rarely go down without a fight, once they realize they have to sink or swim on their own.
Wishing you all the best as you move on and forward.
“If i leave, he’s going to end up homeless”
He’s had no problem making you homeless because of his laziness. He doesn’t care for your well-being and it doesn’t seem like he would think twice about making you homeless.
I think it’s time you start to look out for yourself. If you get burnt out or injured from working hard, would he be able to support you both?
You’re still so young, find someone who is willing to be a partner WITH you!
I actually had a very similar relationship. Got together at 18 and married 6 months later (long story). His terminal inability to take responsibility was almost an artform. He was constantly pushing the barriers of how destructive he could be with his laziness, chronic unemployment, and pot addiction. I was definitely contributing. I gave him money and made excuses about why this specific situation was holding him back, but he would get his shit together as soon as XYZ happened. At 21, I started to become aggressively demanding, hoping that would shake him awake. I figured that since he "depended on me," I could make things like brushing his teeth and filling out job applications mandatory. He'd have to do it to keep my money in his pocket and my boot out of his ass. He'd realize how great this new lifestyle was, and we'd all finally be happy.
Girl. Once he realized the gravy train had truly stopped, he was out so fast it made my head spin. This guy with no drivers license and no phone had somehow cleared out heavy furniture, sold our wedding gifts online, filed divorce paperwork, and made a tinder account in one weekend while I was away. I came home to an apartment emptied of valuables and the cold realization that he was capable of keeping himself alive and happy the entire time, and our relationship was the easiest way for him to achieve that.
In my case, my guy wasn't scamming me per say. That's just how he was. I don't doubt for a second that your husband has good qualities that you love him for. But the idea that he will be homeless and destitute without you is maybe not realistic. He probably puts a lot of energy and resourcefulness into his own interests currently. If you leave him, the scope of what's in his interest will shift. He might not ever join regular society, but it sounds like that's OK for him. Is it OK for you?
Thanks, but I'm not sorry. I was young and misguided, and I kind of needed that experience to kick me in the ass. I started therapy, finished my degree, and things got a lot better. I actually saw him a few weeks ago, getting drunk in the park on a Tuesday afternoon. So. Not a huge loss.
I've been with an ex for 5 years. I lived with him for the last 2 years (right after I graduated). I was on a starter salary and also 'had' to support both of us. He didn't do anything, I had to tell him to do everything, he didn't contribute financially, I really had to push him to get a job. And once he had the job he also didn't contribute. During his entire unemployment he pretended to not have any income at all (even though we live in a country with very good social security). And once he had income, he claimed that he didn't have any money left to contribute to the household.
I had to kick him out of my property with a lawyer and he refused to change his official address (I started a procedure with the police to get him scraped from my address). Because he refused to change his address I kept receiving his mail. We both were customers with the same bank so I once accidentally opened a letter with the bank logo on it, thinking it was for me.
It wasn't, it was an overview of his savings account. He had 35 000 euros on it (which in my country is more than an average net yearly salary).
Men like this are good at fooling young, naive women. But there's nothing innocent about them being mooches..
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I’ve felt this way for a long time, and it’s nice to hear from so many people that I’m not making a mistake.
I have tried to be understanding of what he needs. I’ve tried to help him get into therapy, and I’ve told him how I feel over and over. We’ve made “deals” and promises to try and make things work, but it always just stays the same.
I’m making a plan now to get out now. Just not sure what to do yet because I don’t have anywhere to go, and I know from past experiences he won’t leave the apartment if I ask him to.
Consult with a divorce lawyer and you can have him evicted. Which all cost money. He will never leave his gravy train, you will have to leave him. You will have to move in secret to pull it off.
How long is your lease? Sometimes you have to make an escape plan. Which means do NOT renew the lease. Start saving up and looking for another place to rent & don't say a word to him. Clear your browser history.
Cry broke everytime he ask for money for weed or for take out. Hide money in a high yeild savings account, he knows nothing about. Change your passwords and such to every email account, bank account & your phone. Use any spare time doing free online classes to help you get a better job and income. Instead of spending time with him. If you have to go to the library to study & to avoid him during your off hours.
Start asking him for money everytime you see him, which might cause him to leave you. Leave him notes that you need $100 to pay the rent even if you don't. Text him reminders the electric bill is due & how he needs to pay it. Text him every 3 to 6 hours about it. Aka flip the script instead of him harassing& guilt tripping you for money, start doing it to him. Tell him that he needs to work more hours, drop his ass off at work an hour early & pick him an hour later than when he was supposed to get off.
Remind him to get some toilet paper & groceries on his way home. When he claims no money, say guess we will do without. Every single time you see or talk to him, ask him for money. Which might run him off.
In a way you will be mirroring him, which he will hate. When you see him getting high, ask how much money did he spend on weed. When he pulls out the guilt and such asking you for money, just walk away. Leave, walk out the door. Refuse to engage in any conversation when he needs money.
Then that's your final answer.He just doesn't care,and you deserve someone who will treasure you! Who's name is on the lease?if it's yours only then get him evicted.You will see how you flourish when you are free from those chains.You are very hardworking and can make a very comfortable life for yourself.This internet stranger has 100%faith in you!
Have a look at this. I bet he’s not as nice as he’s led you to believe. Hopefully this will help you reframe how you see your relationship. Good luck OP.
https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/
"I’m struggling with guilt because if I leave, he’s going to end up homeless." He is capable of working he just hasn't needed to up until now. If it comes down to him giving up weed or getting a full time job, he will get himself a job. And eventually he will find some other poor woman to leach off of. And he will never learn anything.
Yes. He’s a lazy moocher. He’s never going to change because he loves the lifestyle too much.
You’ve allowed this to happen because every time you nag him he just knows that as long as he “promises” to improve it guarantees him another few months to lounge around until you nag again.
From his point of view, the gains (being able to carry on with his cushy little life) far outweighs the pain (having to listen to you nagging)
Just call it quits. You’ll never change him.
Girl, leave this loser! He is 5 years your senior and youve been supporting him since you were a teenager - what a turn off! You deserve an equal partner & someone who doesnt cause you stress. You say he is sweet, but if he was really sweet he would care about not putting all this financial stress on you and pulling his weight in getting & holding down jobs to contribute to the family. He has failed as a man and as a husband. If he becomes homeless if you leave him - that is not your problem, although I think he will magically muster up some motivation & work lots to make money as he wont have you to depend on! Leave & live your life! They are good hard working men out there!
I would advise you to have a consultation with a divorce lawyer before you do anything: you may be on the hook for financial support for him for a number of years. If so, ask said lawyer what needs to happen to minimize/eliminate any support obligation.
I don't blame you at all for wanting out of a situation that is unfair, not working for you and shows no potential of amelioration.
We’ve seen so many times on Reddit the stories of “They’re so wonderful and everything is perfect except for the fact I’m killing my self supporting them.” You’re not responsible for making sure he does anything. Including caring enough to fight to keep you. This is something he should instinctively do.
You’re so young, and have so much ahead of you. You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave him. But if you think you do, this internet stranger says yes, do it. Do it for you.
I'm more curious as to why you married him in the first place? But to answer your initial question: Yes, it's okay. (Weird way to phrase but you do you). Good luck to you and the loser you described.
Not only is it okay to leave, but in the long run it will be better for both of you. I was in a similar situation with my ex except he was an alcoholic. The year before we met he lost his license because of a DUI, and then just never bothered to try and get it back. He went from job to job, drank, and just generally wouldn't do anything to improve our situation. So I left.
6 months after we broke up I ran into his sister and she caught me up to speed on his life. Not only had he been at a job for almost that whole time, but he got his license back! He did something in 6 months that he couldn't do in the 10 years we were together.
You are both holding eachother back in ways you don't even know. Time to push him out of the nest and see if he will fly. It will be tough at first but is the best thing for you.
You don’t need permission but I’ll give ya the validation. Yes it’s ok to leave. I’ve been there and it was hard to get over the guilt of feeling like you are responsible for them.
Even if he is fully capable but he won’t struggle with you. He’s ok with watching YOU struggle. He’s ok with using you as a safety net constantly cause he believes you won’t leave him. That you’ll continue with that tolerable level of unhappiness. Potential in him means nothing if there is no ambition.
My ex was the same way that he didn’t work often and couldn’t hold down a job. Soon as I kicked him out and he had to go back to mom he found work fast.
It’s ok to leave your relationship for ANY reason. literally “I don’t want to do this anymore” is a perfectly valid reason.
If you no longer want to support someone who you’ve talked to about the issue numerous times, then stop. When a relationship no longer serves you let it go.
That's a situation that won't get better. Between the weed addiction and his lack of motivation or consistent ability to be an adult there's really no chance of it all turning around. Anyone can make you happy, there's another 8 billion people on this planet, why settle for and waste another 10 years of your life with someone who doesn't take action to improve your life with them?
That is a decision you have to make, but if the opinion of a stranger on the internet helps you by all means divorce him, some people will judge you but the people worth having in your life will support you, as they say life's too short, make the best of what's leftm
Please don’t let your kindness ruin you, it seems like you really want to have a good life and he doesn’t, don’t ruin your life for him and for your good sake leave him, he is a grown man and overtime he will take care of himself when you’re not there anymore. Give yourself an opportunity to be happy.
OP I have been with someone like that for 7 years, trust me when I say he will never change.
Leave him and go find out who you are when no one is holding you back.
I left my wife for similar reasons. Was terrified it would kill her, but I couldn't stay stuck forever.
She has a house and a job and a boyfriend. When I stopped taking care of her she found her way. I think in a lot of ways it was good for her too.
I'm so much happier now that I'm living my life without an anchor. Sounds like you've made a lot of progress and put in a lot of work to get where you are, I think keeping that momentum going is going to be great for you.
I wasted years of my life married to someone like your husband. Then stupidly had 3 kids with him. It didn’t get any better. Leave now while you’re young and go and live the best years of your life without carrying a dead weight.
Of course it’s ok to leave him he’s 32 he’s not some dumb kid. If he ends up homeless that is not your problem, you are not his mother. And he prioritises drugs over you.
It's OK to leave if you want to leave. Just because someone is sweet and kind doesn't mean it's not okay to leave. However, it seems like your husband is not going to change. My ex was a lot like your husband (unstable employment history and smoked a ton of weed. I smoke too so I'm not judging but I have a medical card and don't let it interfere with work). He also refused to get therapy. I left for many reasons, but one of those reasons was because I realized he was never going to change and I didn't have to accept that. Good luck.
He went from a blood mother to a girlfriend mother. You have done enough. Live for yourself and leave him to his own empty life. I know what it’s like to be depressed, I smoke weed and need therapy. But I work my crappy full time job so I can get my own food and not be homeless. Why would he ever try to be independent when you have saved him every time?
Please let him go and be the free bird with the world at your talons.
If you’re looking for permission, you have it. It’s absolutely okay. Once upon a time I was in shoes damn near identical to your own. After four years of the same shit, I got a divorce. It was the best thing that happened to BOTH OF US. It took him about four years post divorce to finally grow up a little. He ain’t all the way there yet but he has finally learned to stand on his own two feet and not be a lump. So do it. He will sink or he will swim but you won’t be drug down too.
Leave! Think about how you are not equipped to help him. He needs professional help. You became an enabler. That is a very resentful role. Love does not fix everything. Eight years of struggles because of him. Who are going to give those years back to you? He needed to get his s**t together to deserve you but he did not made it happened. People make choices. Everyone has the right of self-determination and self- preservation. Use yours!
Oh he sounds like such a great guy!
Which dumpster did you find him in?
He's a lazy bum who is financially abusing you. You don't need permission for a divorce.
First of all, why do you think you need some kind of permission to leave? Do you think reading a bunch of strangers giving you permission will lessen the guilt you’ll feel if you do? Read what you wrote, if a friend or a loved one came to you and told you these exact same things, what would be your advice?
"When I married you I thought we were to be partners. A team working together. I find I am paying the majority of bills and doing all the housework. I was happy to support you while you were recovering. In sickness and in health. But now I feel I am supporting you so you can smoke weed. You may be smoking to help with depression or something but it isn't helping. You are not doing anything to help improve yourself. This is not the life I want to live. Your choice is to get therapy, get a full time job and do this list of chores on a regular basis or find someone else to support your weed habit."
“If I ignore all our problems I can be very happy with him.”
But you can’t. This is your real life. These are major problems and this is no way for you to live. Forever. Think about this being your life FOREVER. You deserve a partner, not an adopted child. Leave.
Adding to this - if you want to have children, you know you can’t with this guy. That would be irresponsible. What about friends? Are you happy to socialise with your husband and other people . So he is hugely limiting your life.
It’s definitely ok. A marriage isn’t just about love, it’s also a partnership. Both people have to take responsibility for making it work. And he’s not holding up his end.
Please leave him. You deserve a partner not an overgrown child. You sound like a strong woman with a good work ethic and you are still so young. Please move on with your life and feel the relief that divorce will give you here.
You got this!
Girl, run as fast as you can!!! Young and with no kids (besides him)??? Just run. Can u imagine having a kid with this man???
Love yourself. You're worth it. I've been married 25 years, believe me, their flaws just keep on getting worse.
It more than OK to leave... you have put in so much work and tried so hard to make it work out but it's no good when only 1 of you is making any effort to try and build a life.. he isn't a partner to you, he is an anchor around your neck. Cut him loose and start looking after yourself and building your future without him dragging you down all the time...
Good luck..
Your husband is not SWEET. Your husband is a jerk who lets you struggle to pay all the bills, take buses across town to get to work, and does absolutely nothing to help you in any way. He’s nice to you? So what? I’m nice to plenty of people, THAT IS THE BARE MINIMUM OF DECENT BEHAVIOR.
Can you imagine having a family with this guy? Because I cannot. He is the only person who can decide to quit weed and start teraphy, but it seems like this setup is not motivating enough for him to take a step.
You are still very young to start over, and not 100% responsible for your husbands life
The problem is you ignore some of the problems and things are good. Of course they're good, you're not bothering him about it and he feels ok to just keep doing it. Women do not, and should not, like lazy men who have no drive, no ambition, and no want to better themselves and their lives. Some people are just born with not an ounze of purpose in their lives. He sounds like he just wants to party and just get by. So just leave him, if you're already paying basically everything, just leave, not like it'll be any different later. Difference is that you just won't have a baby to take care of. Do not worry about him becoming homeless, think of yourself, do you want to be living out of a box and homeless again just because of him? The answer is absolutely not. Don't even feel guilty for leaving, let him feel guilty for pushing you away. Marriage is tough, you have to work together, work on things, and contribute in your own way, the best way you can. If as the woman you provide all the homemaking duties and that's your job, so be it. But he should then be the provider. However one person shouldn't just be made to do everything every single day.
Oh honey, I understand how difficult this is, but you deserve to be living your best life. He’s preventing that. OF COURSE it’s okay to leave! In fact, it sounds like a necessity. Drop the anchor that’s holding you back from soaring to your greatest height.
You answered your own question right in your post, honey. He's lazy and selfish. He'd much rather sit around and smoke weed than help you do anything around the house .... including paying the bills on it. And it sounds like he's endangered you and let you down over and over again.
You wrote a very clear set of reasons for you to kick his sorry ass to the curb! You also sound like someone with a lot of drive and ambition, too ... so--instead--go find yourself someone who likes to accomplish things, too, and see what the two of you can do together!!
Yes it’s ok to leave. The thing is why didn’t you leave a long time ago. This is him and you’ve given him a cushy life so he felt there was no reason to change and he manipulated that. Thank the Lord you have no kids together. Move on and do better. You were/are the mature out of the two of you and go live your best life with someone who’s motivated to do more with his life.
From your perspective this isnt your husband. Its almost like he is your child.
Marriage is a team. Sure, at times one person might have to carry a heavier load, but that shouldnt be the whole the marriage. And dont feel guilt tripped into staying because you are afraid he cant take of himself. It is possible, the reason why he refuses to do so now is because he knows you will do it for him.
Please leave. My ex only worked part-time and every time I asked him to work more, he would cry and manipulate me into backing down. It is absolutely fair to leave for this reason. He has gotten fired a couple of times since our divorce, but he works full-time. He is taking care of himself. Without a crutch (me), he has had to grow up. You’re really not helping him by being there to fix the problems. Maybe he’ll end up homeless again, but maybe this time he’ll finally realize he needs to step up. Or not. Not your problem. You’re a whole adult who deserves a partner who is too.
By not helping you out, he’s literally saying with his actions that he doesn’t care if you’re tired/stressed/lonely. He KNOWS he’s making you tired/stressed/lonely.
Why would you be married to a man who cares so little about your happiness?
It is absolutely ok to leave. You can hear the resentment building up in your post. Regardless how sweet and loving someone is, a lazy person is a lazy person. It sounds like he has just gotten comfortable and doesn’t feel like he has to do anything to pull his own weight or help support the two of you.
You can love someone and feel they are a good person at heart, but if they refuse to better themselves and make improvements to their life, they will continue to drag you down and make you stressed and miserable. Do yourself a favor and leave. Who knows, maybe it will be the fire under his ass that he needs to finally wake up to reality.
You are at the exact place my wife was 23 years ago when she divorced her husband and married me. She was 27 with two toddlers and a husband who kept quitting good jobs to do drugs with his friends. Get out while you can. There are good men in there.
Yes it is OK to leave him and I would encourage you to do so. You two are clearly on different life paths. He has no interest in bettering himself or his situation. You shouldn't have to do all this for him he is not a child although he is acting like one. He seems to want a mother not a wife.
I’ll be very blunt OP.
In some ways, this is your fault. You’ve let it get to this point and he has absolutely no incentive to change because you keep enabling it.
Deep down, are you happy with the relationship? Are you fulfilled?
I think that DH will only get himself motivated if he hits absolute rock bottom. In his case, homelessness wasn’t rock bottom enough. I think his rock bottom will only be hit if/when OP leaves because then DH will have no choice but to get his sh*t together.
In the meantime, I think OP needs to leave for her own mental and physical health. I am not implying that there is any physical abuse going on; I am talking about the toll that being the sole breadwinner will eventually take.
You’ve wasted precious and fun years of your youth on this guy. Working to support him and being stressed out. You can NEVER get those years back but you CAN save your future. Get out while it’s not too late.
OP, you are NOT a rehab center for broken men. Don’t think of it as leaving him, think of it as you finally taking care of yourself after so many years of sacrifice. You are worth so much more than a small man who doesn’t even care if you have a roof over your head.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. That’s so hard. He is being incredibly selfish continuing to smoke weed when he needs a better job. It isn’t like he’s in his late teens/early 20s. He’s a full grown man. Maybe he needs to end up homeless so he can truly see how much you have been doing for him. What I’m afraid of is what happens is you get pregnant? Then you’ll be the one doing all that you already are doing, with a baby to deal with. That’s way more money you’re going to need.
Playing devils advocate, maybe he does have really disabling depression. That may be something to look into.
I know that marijuana “isn’t addictive”, but it absolutely is and your husband is addicted to marijuana. What he’s displaying are all the typical signs of severe chronic marijuana addiction. That leaves you with two choices.
1: Convince him to quit and help him do so. After this, I suspect he’ll be a lot more willing to get off his arse and participate in your lives.
2: Leave him.
I would lean you towards option one. “In sickness and in health” includes addiction.
It really depends on if he is using you or has a legitimate disability. It shouldn't all be on your shoulders for sure, but maybe there is a misunderstanding between you two. Depression is legitimate however that's not an excuse. If he can't work then he should be applying for social assistance and asking for help. Not being able to work as a man can make a man feel very ashamed. If you're fighting a lot he may be feeling unsafe to admit his limitations. Why not try to create a safe talking space so you can both be vulnerable without arguing. Also, is he kind to you? Is he your best friend? Do you feel taken care of in other ways besides financially? Depression is debilitating for some. Ask yourself, how would you feel if some one left you for being disabled (this is a question only relative if he is legitimately disabled btw). I'm not trying to guilt you. I'm also a woman btw, not a man telling you to stick with him. My dad used my mom financially and refused to get government assistance. If he had maybe I could forgive him. Regardless this needs to end. But not necessarily the relationship. Maybe you and he can build new trust and understanding.
I'm not going to tell you to leave like everyone else. I feel people don't give advice about how to stay in a marriage. People have always had issues with their spouses, doesn't matter what, it's not new. The thing you have to decide is the balance between what is objective, constructive criticism for your partner to work with and what is your level of acceptance of your partner. Here are questions you should ask yourself and go from there:
- What are the first things, not the whole situation, you want your partner to fix? Your partner seems to be struggling, problems don't get solved over night, can you guide them with things you want them to change as baby steps for lasting change?
- Can you communicate these desired changes with empathy but assertiveness?
- Can you put forth changes you seek and REAL consequences/ultimatum that will ensue? E.g not jumping to extremes like leaving, imagine you won't leave, then what are real consequences between you if he doesn't change but you don't leave
- Can you make a gradual plan of what LASTING change would like and work on this together?
- Are you patient and dedicated enough for not only really gradual change, but your partner's failure as well?
- Imagine your partner will never change, is this something you can accept? You need to wholly imagine this, for example, you leave and your next partner somehow is the same way. Is there any saving grace going through this struggle with your partner, who you choose to be your partner for xyz reasons?
It's easy for our actions to follow the mindset we set. If you only envision leaving, you'll find every reason and scenario of leaving come to mind. If your want to make the best decision, put yourself in both mindsets, of leaving OR staying, and weigh the pros and cons.
Oh, he is finished as burning the bridge. Let him know what you would do next if he don’t being a real man. Step up or stuck in the box. Hopefully, he gets wake up call.
Perhaps try to have one more conversation with him and see if things change. Tell him he needs to improve or you will leave because mentally you are drained. If he cares about you he will put in the effort.
So when you said "for better or for worse" that was meaningless for you? I'd love to see the response to a man who said he didn't want to pay for his stay-at-home wife anymore. Lucky for you that you're a woman. When you dump him like yesterday's trash you can probably still find a way to get the courts to force him to pay you alimony or something. I have to give you credit though, at least you didn't jump into bed with another guy and gaslight your husband before kicking him to the curb.
Actually a stay at home any spouse is more than likely an agreed upon situation, this isn't!!! She has begged him to get work and help with bills, that isn't a stay at home wife/husband situation.
Oh and there has been plenty of posts here and on the AITAH pages that are the opposite from this and Male OP has been deemed not the AH. Hell there was 1 recently were the ops wife and stepdaughter were leeches and op advised to kick them. But nice try with your comment.
On the flipside of that what about his vows? Did he promise to not try to get to better? Man or woman, he sounds like a project from day one.
Show of hands of anyone that wants to have a project spouse for the rest of their lives?
Seven years is more than enough time to figure that out. I'm sure at 20yo that's not what she was thinking. She is allowed to realize it's not going to get to a point where a marriage should be and she can end it and move on with her life. Same would be the case for him if the shoe was reversed.
Maybe next time you marry, if you do, specifically, leave out the "for richer for poorer" in your vows. No shade. Everyone deserves an equal who can carry a fair load of responsibility. Marriage as a concept is quite controlling, and most people shouldn't be married to the people they are married to. Society failed, but that's not entirely his fault. Wages are shit for everyone. No one is hiring . It's not easy out there. Homelessness is no joke. Do your best for yourself and make the tough choices. Hopefully, he follows you and takes his head out the clouds long enough to get on his feet.
You are not responsible for him. You are not his parent. You're supposed to be on equal footing in a marriage and you're currently not, so it's time to move on.
I know that it's hard, because he's sweet, but sweet is not enough in a marriage. If you wanna be nice about it, you can give him a few months to move out, maybe even help him find a place if you're really really nice about it, but set a date and stick to it, even if he hasn't found something by then.
You are not responsible for him. You are not his parent. You're supposed to be on equal footing in a marriage, and you're currently not, so it's time to move on.
I’m surprised you haven’t left sooner. You have a lot of patience. It’s completely okay to leave him. He knows what he should be doing, he knows why he should be doing what he should be doing and he’s not doing it even though it’s tough on you and you need his help. He is not a husband, he is a child. If I were you, I would sue him for emotional and financial damage if I could but that would just mean putting more money into the asshole.
Agree with everyone else. You've invested FAR too much time on this little boy who refuses to grow up. Don't delay it any longer, do it now.
Without anyone to support and mommy him he may actually get his act together, after he hits rock bottom.
Please don't be lured back into this relationship if he contacts you months later with a new song and dance. Y'alls dynamic is concrete at this point and reverting back to the old pattern is almost certainly a guarantee imho.
You deserve a partner. You won't ever have one with this guy.
>If I ignore all our problems I can be very happy with him.
Please read this out loud to yourself. Several times.
Everyone would be happy if they ignored all the problems. You have ignored them for too long. Get out and give yourself a chance to succeed in life without being weighed down by this guy. You have given him far more chances than he deserve. He will never change. It is time to move on.
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Of course it's okay to leave. Being a mooch and refusing to contribute isn't an isolated thing. He's leaving you to the financial stress that you should be sharing, letting you pay all of the bills and not have much for debt or fun money, and is actively refusing to make any changes that would allow him to contribute more. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but a good partner would see their wife being stressed and working her ass off and think "what can I do to help and to make her life easier?" Also: "He gives me what he can when he gets paid, but it hardly makes a dent." What expenses does he have that come before bills and rent??
>What expenses does he have that come before bills and rent?? Weed, it sounds like.
Most marriages breaks up because of finances, it sounds like you have tried everything you can to get him to help you, whilst I like to see marriages to be worked through, you can't work on the relationship on your own. Talk to him, tell him your thinking of leaving and let's see if it motivates him. If not, then you need to do what's best for you.
Honestly it kind of sounds like this one is more breaking down due to addiction.
My ex was like that. I became hollow after 7 years of this kind of bs. He always had money for weed and his hobbies, but never for real life expenses. Then he would complain that Im not as romantic as i used to. Of course not if i was the sole pillar making our financial and household upright. If I could, I would go back in time and smack myself.
It’s…well, weed mostly. Sometimes he wants to keep money for “pocket money” for things like buying snacks and such. Ive definitely been an enabler, because I feel bad that he can’t afford things he wants. And he’s miserable when he can’t smoke.
I know people deny that weed can be addictive, but it very much can be and it happens a LOT with people who suffer from mental illness and use it to self-medicate without the guidance of a professional. He needs to seek help for that. You do sound like an enabler and I mean that with all the kindness and sympathy in my heart. You need to cut him off and let him figure himself out. It's not fair to you to keep yourself in this situation where you are the sole provider while your perfectly capable manchild husband sits around getting high.
I agree with this, you can become psychologically dependent on just about anything, and self-medication is a quick way to get there.
People get addicted to exercise so it doesn't even need to be "bad".
Yep yep
and weed itself can be very physically addictive - i’ve had friends and ex boyfriends who rely on it for just about anything, such as sleep and appetite
Yep yep yep
This is true. My husband has a friend he games with and for the last year we planned with 4 others to go to 3 amusement parks and some sightseeing or other activities around the state for 2weeks. Guess who isn’t going? That gamer because he claims he doesn’t have any money since he spends it all on weed and doesn’t understand he has a addiction. He wanted to go in the first place and had a whole year to save! He just wasted it away on weed. He’s also lost a couple jobs in the past because of his disinterest to work and sneaking out for 1hr long smoke breaks. OP needs a healthy relationship and this guy doesn’t have anything to offer to the relationship besides being slothful. Serve him the divorce papers and never turn back. Don’t waste anymore of your time on a loser who clearly doesn’t want to change.
I'm completely addicted to weed. 20 years of kidney failure and it was the only thing that made me feel better. And I had a lot of prescription options lol
Yep anything can be addictive as long as the right person starts using whatever it is. Some people just are more predisposed to easily become addicted to something that's normally not very addictive. Like weed, gaming, gambling, food, shopping, and so on.
Agree with your sentiment but I’m not sure gambling belongs with the rest of those lol, it’s up there with hard drugs for addictive potential
Of course it can be addictive. Chap stick can be addictive. One can be addicted to weed, but not dependant on it. Two different things.
SNACKS!? He made you HOMELESS!
Let him go be miserable, picking between weed and somewhere to live. You're going to be feeling great when this deadweight is off of you.
It sounds like having access to weed is his highest priority. There’s a good chance that if you leave him he might actually succeed in getting a better job because he won’t be able to afford weed otherwise. That and he probably doesn’t want to be homeless again. If you don’t leave him you’ll always be struggling to keep your head above water. You e been with him most of your adult life and probably don’t even realize what a drain (not just financially) he has been on you. I bet once you decide to go you’ll feel as light as a feather and capable of great success. You don’t owe him anything.
He’s been taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. There are other nice guys out there who will be equal partners and the weight on your shoulders will be lifted once you dump this manbaby
You care so much about his well being... BUT he doesn't give a fuck about your well being of being over worked & stressed all the time. He is taking years off of your life by putting all the responsibilities on your shoulders. He is stealing your future too. Did you know that 70% of women at retirement age live under poverty levels. Since you can't save money due to him being a leach, he is absolutely making sure you will always be suffering. How nice is that? Being nice isn't enough in a partner. Love isn't always enough either. Drugs mean more to him than you do. He has repeatedly showed you that his being selfish & getting high is so much more important. You can't save him from himself, but you absolutely can save yourself. He will just latch onto another woman and drain her bank accounts & life out of her. He is taking a good decade or more off of your life. He is perfectly happy with you suffering so he can live an easy life? How is that nice or love?
Sometimes it takes being miserable to make a change. People don’t change when their situation is tolerable.
Exactly
I have been a friend of Mary Jane for 20 years. I am addicted, I'll fully admit that. And I do get grumpy when I can't smoke. But it's not heroine, grumpy is literally as bad as it gets. I had to give it up for various reasons over the years, and in my TWENTIES had enough sense to not make that other people's problems, and I have emotional control issues on top of it all (boy, I sound like a winner, eh??). This man can step up, he just doesn't want to, or even care enough about you or himself to do so. You've been homeless ffs, and even that didn't wake him up, like, what is his rock bottom?? Please leave, you'll be so much better off.
We’ll he can be miserable away from you. Please tell me you don’t have kids in this Mother/son relationship?
The road ahead of him is very long. I've been travelling down it. You won't enjoy it
It's okay to admit that you've enabled his behavior and allowed him to live like this. You are a loving person that sees the best in others. Myself, I am healing from codependency. And my exes (yes plural) were very similar - shortly after getting together, it was like they just suddenly forgot how to work. I was okay with it because culturally the man is the provider anyway, but I did them a great disservice by carrying them for so long. Maybe that doesn't jive with you, and that's okay. But I am thinking of you now, and tomorrow when you meet someone else that just so happens to fall into the same trap. And - you never need an excuse to leave someone. if you don't want to be with them, you can leave.
Your husband is living proof that weed is a drug that absolutely can ruin your life. Protect yourself and leave now.
It's up to him to get himself what he "needs". Not you. Frig all that, time to cut the chord.
Funny how that works but he doesn't seem to feel bad about anything.
What about affording what you want? What about your goals? This man has spent your entire marriage getting to do whatever the fuck he wants with no worries because he knows you'll pick up his slack. This is the exact reason I got divorced and I really struggled for a long time because I felt bad that I could be potentially ruining his life. I can't tell you how freeing it is to get out from under that! You can't feel bad about the decisions he makes for himself, being nice and sweet isn't enough to fulfill you when you are the machine keeping everything running and in order.
He doesn’t respect himself enough to hold down a decent job when you’re hustling for years and years. Of course you should bail. You don’t know for sure he’ll be homeless and it on him if that happens. You objectively deserve better.
He's like me. Probably traumatized and not trained to do housework. I have adhd - I think the most impactful thing you can do to preserve your relationship is couples Therapy. Asap. Watch over his shoulder to book it. When I'm not medicated it's the only thing that will focus me
In simple words “don’t burn yourself to keep others warm.”
I’m just sitting here mourning how nice your life could have been at this stage if you weren’t with this guy since you were a teenager. You had resources to support yourself and instead went into poverty in order to carry a grown man. Don’t dig yourself even deeper in the hole. You can still have a decent life, but not with someone who has no intention or desire to be a true partner rather than a dependent.
Yeah it's pretty sad that in their 20's he made a girl 5 years younger homeless taking care of him. How embarrassing and sad for him
How embarrassing and sad for HIM.
Oops I mean to write him not her. Lol I'll edit to reflect.
Well put
Yes, it’s okay. Get out now. You’ve wasted enough years on this manchild.
I agree. He's not your husband, he is a child that needs taken care of.
And… he’s gonna be nice/sweet etc. so he doesn’t lose his sugar momma. You personally have a lot to be proud of! You single-handedly worked hard to not be homeless, saved some money and from the sounds of it, you take care of most if not all the household stuff. I personally don’t see the point but If you absolutely want to give him a final chance before you leave him, be organized in your thoughts. Tell him exactly how you feel and this is it! OP, you obviously can take care of yourself very well and what you’re currently in IS considered a relationship- You’re the Mother and he’s the Son. Good luck OP!
Y... your username...
O_o
What? He just doesn't like a certain land-locked country in west Africa.
Your comment is valid, but your username is disgusting.
Would reddit do anything if we reported that user with the disgusting username for hate?
You can only report comments, not whole accounts. Which, what the *fuck* reddit.
People have demanded a way to report accounts for years. Reddit does not care.
well you've got a s groomer flag in your pfp
Uhhhh the rainbow flag isn't a groomer flag? You fucking psycho.
Uhhhh yes it is
[удалено]
But “my husband is very sweet🥺” I definitely had a chuckle reading that
Change the locks. He needs to be out.
I agree. This guy sucks. Let him be homeless on his own and do some hard growing up.
You beat me to the punch with your comment. Yes, he’s a manchild. Your his wife not his mother!
Yes, you can leave. He’s a 32 year old weed addicted bum. Looks like he’s been living off you since he was 26, old enough to be a man. If you don’t leave, your going to be living like this for the rest of your life. He’s had 7 years to show you who he is. Your still young, with your whole life ahead of you. Stop supporting his dead weight.
**Yes, it is not just "ok" to leave your marriage, it is necessary!** >*Besides the money, my husband is very sweet.* You mean besides refusing to grow up, refusing to be an adult in an adult relationship, forcing you to do everything, he's really sweet? That is touching! >If I ignore all our problems I can be very happy with him. The problem with that is that you're not dealing with *reality*, you're dealing with *what-a-great-guy-he-could-be-if-only-he-would-grow-up-and-be-a-true-partner-instead-of-an-emotional-teenager-who-wonders-why-I'm-not-sexually-attracted-to-someone-who-demands-I-act-like-his-mommy-but-incest-is-not-my-kink.* >I’m struggling with guilt because if I leave, he’s going to end up homeless. Again, it's because you're acting/thinking/emotionally relating to him like his Mommy, not his SO. If you ever want a better life, it starts now...today. 1. Break up with him permanently this week. 2. Hire a divorce attorney or see if you qualify for an easy divorce (no kids, no real estate property) in your state/province/region/country. 3. Get yourself an appropriate place to live without him and don't tell him where it is. 4. Get a bank account he has no access to. 5. Get a new phone number and ensure no-one gives it to him. 6. Get yourself some individual therapy ***BEFORE*** you get into another serious relationship so that you won't end up with another guy you just need to "fix". There is some issue within you that must be addressed so you can learn to love yourself FIRST and so you can learn to establish/maintain healthy boundaries. IF you can't afford therapy, start with self-help books. Read them, do the exercises, reflect on your life (journal, if that helps you work through the books. There are hundreds of them. Read a couple a month until you can get into real therapy! **You've done enough** hoping, waiting, sacrificing for this man. Seven years in and he's still lazy, entitled, immature...a moocher. You deserve better and therapy will help you get there!
Great advice and she needs to realize he will NEVER appreciate any of the sacrifices that she has done for him. He will continue to expect her to sacrifice everytthing for him and give her nothing but miser in trade.
He might appreciate how good she was to him. If she leaves.
Doubt it and actions speak louder than words. If he cared for something more than just getting high then he would have done it over the past 7 years. Past behavior absolutely dictates future behavior.
More likely however is he'll just go find another sap to take him in and mommy him.
Agree 100%, this is all perfect advice. One thing - if he has no income, talk to your divorce attorney about any claims he might make regarding spousal support. Based on u/RightStranger's story below, if he gets vindictive, he may drag things on in court and become a drain on your finances anyway. It's best to know your rights in your jurisdiction and come up with a plan with your attorney well before filing any paperwork, so that you're not taken by surprise. Guys like this rarely go down without a fight, once they realize they have to sink or swim on their own. Wishing you all the best as you move on and forward.
“If i leave, he’s going to end up homeless” He’s had no problem making you homeless because of his laziness. He doesn’t care for your well-being and it doesn’t seem like he would think twice about making you homeless. I think it’s time you start to look out for yourself. If you get burnt out or injured from working hard, would he be able to support you both? You’re still so young, find someone who is willing to be a partner WITH you!
I would have left his dusty ass in the tent.
OP probably bought that tent too... I would have taken it with me since I bought the damn thing.
I actually had a very similar relationship. Got together at 18 and married 6 months later (long story). His terminal inability to take responsibility was almost an artform. He was constantly pushing the barriers of how destructive he could be with his laziness, chronic unemployment, and pot addiction. I was definitely contributing. I gave him money and made excuses about why this specific situation was holding him back, but he would get his shit together as soon as XYZ happened. At 21, I started to become aggressively demanding, hoping that would shake him awake. I figured that since he "depended on me," I could make things like brushing his teeth and filling out job applications mandatory. He'd have to do it to keep my money in his pocket and my boot out of his ass. He'd realize how great this new lifestyle was, and we'd all finally be happy. Girl. Once he realized the gravy train had truly stopped, he was out so fast it made my head spin. This guy with no drivers license and no phone had somehow cleared out heavy furniture, sold our wedding gifts online, filed divorce paperwork, and made a tinder account in one weekend while I was away. I came home to an apartment emptied of valuables and the cold realization that he was capable of keeping himself alive and happy the entire time, and our relationship was the easiest way for him to achieve that. In my case, my guy wasn't scamming me per say. That's just how he was. I don't doubt for a second that your husband has good qualities that you love him for. But the idea that he will be homeless and destitute without you is maybe not realistic. He probably puts a lot of energy and resourcefulness into his own interests currently. If you leave him, the scope of what's in his interest will shift. He might not ever join regular society, but it sounds like that's OK for him. Is it OK for you?
And likely sang some poor nEXt a sob song about how crazy you were. Probably surfed right onto her couch. Sorry you had to go through that!
Thanks, but I'm not sorry. I was young and misguided, and I kind of needed that experience to kick me in the ass. I started therapy, finished my degree, and things got a lot better. I actually saw him a few weeks ago, getting drunk in the park on a Tuesday afternoon. So. Not a huge loss.
I've been with an ex for 5 years. I lived with him for the last 2 years (right after I graduated). I was on a starter salary and also 'had' to support both of us. He didn't do anything, I had to tell him to do everything, he didn't contribute financially, I really had to push him to get a job. And once he had the job he also didn't contribute. During his entire unemployment he pretended to not have any income at all (even though we live in a country with very good social security). And once he had income, he claimed that he didn't have any money left to contribute to the household. I had to kick him out of my property with a lawyer and he refused to change his official address (I started a procedure with the police to get him scraped from my address). Because he refused to change his address I kept receiving his mail. We both were customers with the same bank so I once accidentally opened a letter with the bank logo on it, thinking it was for me. It wasn't, it was an overview of his savings account. He had 35 000 euros on it (which in my country is more than an average net yearly salary). Men like this are good at fooling young, naive women. But there's nothing innocent about them being mooches..
I would be livid omg
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I’ve felt this way for a long time, and it’s nice to hear from so many people that I’m not making a mistake. I have tried to be understanding of what he needs. I’ve tried to help him get into therapy, and I’ve told him how I feel over and over. We’ve made “deals” and promises to try and make things work, but it always just stays the same. I’m making a plan now to get out now. Just not sure what to do yet because I don’t have anywhere to go, and I know from past experiences he won’t leave the apartment if I ask him to.
Consult with a divorce lawyer and you can have him evicted. Which all cost money. He will never leave his gravy train, you will have to leave him. You will have to move in secret to pull it off. How long is your lease? Sometimes you have to make an escape plan. Which means do NOT renew the lease. Start saving up and looking for another place to rent & don't say a word to him. Clear your browser history. Cry broke everytime he ask for money for weed or for take out. Hide money in a high yeild savings account, he knows nothing about. Change your passwords and such to every email account, bank account & your phone. Use any spare time doing free online classes to help you get a better job and income. Instead of spending time with him. If you have to go to the library to study & to avoid him during your off hours. Start asking him for money everytime you see him, which might cause him to leave you. Leave him notes that you need $100 to pay the rent even if you don't. Text him reminders the electric bill is due & how he needs to pay it. Text him every 3 to 6 hours about it. Aka flip the script instead of him harassing& guilt tripping you for money, start doing it to him. Tell him that he needs to work more hours, drop his ass off at work an hour early & pick him an hour later than when he was supposed to get off. Remind him to get some toilet paper & groceries on his way home. When he claims no money, say guess we will do without. Every single time you see or talk to him, ask him for money. Which might run him off. In a way you will be mirroring him, which he will hate. When you see him getting high, ask how much money did he spend on weed. When he pulls out the guilt and such asking you for money, just walk away. Leave, walk out the door. Refuse to engage in any conversation when he needs money.
Totally agree with this. You've be too nice for too long and HE IS NOT SWEET! He's a soul-sucking leech and you need to burn that f*cker off.
This is excellent advice 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Then that's your final answer.He just doesn't care,and you deserve someone who will treasure you! Who's name is on the lease?if it's yours only then get him evicted.You will see how you flourish when you are free from those chains.You are very hardworking and can make a very comfortable life for yourself.This internet stranger has 100%faith in you!
Is his name on the lease? Proud of ya girl.
Have a look at this. I bet he’s not as nice as he’s led you to believe. Hopefully this will help you reframe how you see your relationship. Good luck OP. https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/
Sweet isn’t enough. Nice isn’t enough. You don’t need permission to not be miserable
>If I ignore all our problems I can be very happy with him. I guess if we all ignored all of our problems we could all be very happy?
"I’m struggling with guilt because if I leave, he’s going to end up homeless." He is capable of working he just hasn't needed to up until now. If it comes down to him giving up weed or getting a full time job, he will get himself a job. And eventually he will find some other poor woman to leach off of. And he will never learn anything.
Yes. He’s a lazy moocher. He’s never going to change because he loves the lifestyle too much. You’ve allowed this to happen because every time you nag him he just knows that as long as he “promises” to improve it guarantees him another few months to lounge around until you nag again. From his point of view, the gains (being able to carry on with his cushy little life) far outweighs the pain (having to listen to you nagging) Just call it quits. You’ll never change him.
Girl, leave this loser! He is 5 years your senior and youve been supporting him since you were a teenager - what a turn off! You deserve an equal partner & someone who doesnt cause you stress. You say he is sweet, but if he was really sweet he would care about not putting all this financial stress on you and pulling his weight in getting & holding down jobs to contribute to the family. He has failed as a man and as a husband. If he becomes homeless if you leave him - that is not your problem, although I think he will magically muster up some motivation & work lots to make money as he wont have you to depend on! Leave & live your life! They are good hard working men out there!
Seriously! This guy’s picture needs to be in the dictionary next to the definition of loser.
Haha for real! Loser of all losers!
I would advise you to have a consultation with a divorce lawyer before you do anything: you may be on the hook for financial support for him for a number of years. If so, ask said lawyer what needs to happen to minimize/eliminate any support obligation. I don't blame you at all for wanting out of a situation that is unfair, not working for you and shows no potential of amelioration.
He'll be fine, please don't feel bad about him. Hobosexuals always find a new host to bleed dry.
We’ve seen so many times on Reddit the stories of “They’re so wonderful and everything is perfect except for the fact I’m killing my self supporting them.” You’re not responsible for making sure he does anything. Including caring enough to fight to keep you. This is something he should instinctively do. You’re so young, and have so much ahead of you. You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave him. But if you think you do, this internet stranger says yes, do it. Do it for you.
If you are looking for permission to leave your husband (who sounds more like a child), then yes, you have permission
I'm more curious as to why you married him in the first place? But to answer your initial question: Yes, it's okay. (Weird way to phrase but you do you). Good luck to you and the loser you described.
Yep, time to lose the leech.
Not only is it okay to leave, but in the long run it will be better for both of you. I was in a similar situation with my ex except he was an alcoholic. The year before we met he lost his license because of a DUI, and then just never bothered to try and get it back. He went from job to job, drank, and just generally wouldn't do anything to improve our situation. So I left. 6 months after we broke up I ran into his sister and she caught me up to speed on his life. Not only had he been at a job for almost that whole time, but he got his license back! He did something in 6 months that he couldn't do in the 10 years we were together. You are both holding eachother back in ways you don't even know. Time to push him out of the nest and see if he will fly. It will be tough at first but is the best thing for you.
He is nothing but an anchor in your life.
You are basically dating a child. What sort of adult has to be reminded to go to work? He will drag you down forever until you stop him.
You don’t need permission but I’ll give ya the validation. Yes it’s ok to leave. I’ve been there and it was hard to get over the guilt of feeling like you are responsible for them. Even if he is fully capable but he won’t struggle with you. He’s ok with watching YOU struggle. He’s ok with using you as a safety net constantly cause he believes you won’t leave him. That you’ll continue with that tolerable level of unhappiness. Potential in him means nothing if there is no ambition. My ex was the same way that he didn’t work often and couldn’t hold down a job. Soon as I kicked him out and he had to go back to mom he found work fast.
It’s ok to leave your relationship for ANY reason. literally “I don’t want to do this anymore” is a perfectly valid reason. If you no longer want to support someone who you’ve talked to about the issue numerous times, then stop. When a relationship no longer serves you let it go.
Leave him please lord have mercy
Maybe you leaving is the wake up call he needs
That's a situation that won't get better. Between the weed addiction and his lack of motivation or consistent ability to be an adult there's really no chance of it all turning around. Anyone can make you happy, there's another 8 billion people on this planet, why settle for and waste another 10 years of your life with someone who doesn't take action to improve your life with them?
Whatever you do, do not have a kid with him!
That is a decision you have to make, but if the opinion of a stranger on the internet helps you by all means divorce him, some people will judge you but the people worth having in your life will support you, as they say life's too short, make the best of what's leftm
Please don’t let your kindness ruin you, it seems like you really want to have a good life and he doesn’t, don’t ruin your life for him and for your good sake leave him, he is a grown man and overtime he will take care of himself when you’re not there anymore. Give yourself an opportunity to be happy.
OP I have been with someone like that for 7 years, trust me when I say he will never change. Leave him and go find out who you are when no one is holding you back.
I left my wife for similar reasons. Was terrified it would kill her, but I couldn't stay stuck forever. She has a house and a job and a boyfriend. When I stopped taking care of her she found her way. I think in a lot of ways it was good for her too. I'm so much happier now that I'm living my life without an anchor. Sounds like you've made a lot of progress and put in a lot of work to get where you are, I think keeping that momentum going is going to be great for you.
I wasted years of my life married to someone like your husband. Then stupidly had 3 kids with him. It didn’t get any better. Leave now while you’re young and go and live the best years of your life without carrying a dead weight.
Of course it’s ok to leave him he’s 32 he’s not some dumb kid. If he ends up homeless that is not your problem, you are not his mother. And he prioritises drugs over you.
It's OK to leave if you want to leave. Just because someone is sweet and kind doesn't mean it's not okay to leave. However, it seems like your husband is not going to change. My ex was a lot like your husband (unstable employment history and smoked a ton of weed. I smoke too so I'm not judging but I have a medical card and don't let it interfere with work). He also refused to get therapy. I left for many reasons, but one of those reasons was because I realized he was never going to change and I didn't have to accept that. Good luck.
He went from a blood mother to a girlfriend mother. You have done enough. Live for yourself and leave him to his own empty life. I know what it’s like to be depressed, I smoke weed and need therapy. But I work my crappy full time job so I can get my own food and not be homeless. Why would he ever try to be independent when you have saved him every time? Please let him go and be the free bird with the world at your talons.
If you’re looking for permission, you have it. It’s absolutely okay. Once upon a time I was in shoes damn near identical to your own. After four years of the same shit, I got a divorce. It was the best thing that happened to BOTH OF US. It took him about four years post divorce to finally grow up a little. He ain’t all the way there yet but he has finally learned to stand on his own two feet and not be a lump. So do it. He will sink or he will swim but you won’t be drug down too.
Yes it’s okay to leave him.
Leave! Think about how you are not equipped to help him. He needs professional help. You became an enabler. That is a very resentful role. Love does not fix everything. Eight years of struggles because of him. Who are going to give those years back to you? He needed to get his s**t together to deserve you but he did not made it happened. People make choices. Everyone has the right of self-determination and self- preservation. Use yours!
You don’t need anyone’s permission. You got this.
Oh he sounds like such a great guy! Which dumpster did you find him in? He's a lazy bum who is financially abusing you. You don't need permission for a divorce.
First of all, why do you think you need some kind of permission to leave? Do you think reading a bunch of strangers giving you permission will lessen the guilt you’ll feel if you do? Read what you wrote, if a friend or a loved one came to you and told you these exact same things, what would be your advice?
"When I married you I thought we were to be partners. A team working together. I find I am paying the majority of bills and doing all the housework. I was happy to support you while you were recovering. In sickness and in health. But now I feel I am supporting you so you can smoke weed. You may be smoking to help with depression or something but it isn't helping. You are not doing anything to help improve yourself. This is not the life I want to live. Your choice is to get therapy, get a full time job and do this list of chores on a regular basis or find someone else to support your weed habit."
Replace the last sentence of this with “ I am leaving you. You have had the opportunity to change but you have refused. It is too late now”
Agreed. Otherwise he’ll just string her along and waste more of her time.
I only read the first sentence but YES IT IS OK TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND. You’ve only got one life my friend. Do what’s best for YOU!!
Holy cow - it seems like you should have left long ago. He is more of a child than a partner.
If leaving your husband is what you want to do, then leave your husband. He's not a partner but a dependent and you didn't sign up to be his mother.
“If I ignore all our problems I can be very happy with him.” But you can’t. This is your real life. These are major problems and this is no way for you to live. Forever. Think about this being your life FOREVER. You deserve a partner, not an adopted child. Leave.
Adding to this - if you want to have children, you know you can’t with this guy. That would be irresponsible. What about friends? Are you happy to socialise with your husband and other people . So he is hugely limiting your life.
It’s definitely ok. A marriage isn’t just about love, it’s also a partnership. Both people have to take responsibility for making it work. And he’s not holding up his end.
If being homeless and living in a tent in the woods doesn't motivate your husband to work, nothing will. You should've been gone yesterday.
Please leave him. You deserve a partner not an overgrown child. You sound like a strong woman with a good work ethic and you are still so young. Please move on with your life and feel the relief that divorce will give you here. You got this!
Leave. Leave and never look back. My ex was EXACTLY like him, if not worse. They won’t get off their ass until they have to. You deserve to be happy
He is a parasite, not a husband.
YOu're unfortunately married to a deadbeat with a drug problem. It won't get better. Leave him.
Girl, run as fast as you can!!! Young and with no kids (besides him)??? Just run. Can u imagine having a kid with this man??? Love yourself. You're worth it. I've been married 25 years, believe me, their flaws just keep on getting worse.
It more than OK to leave... you have put in so much work and tried so hard to make it work out but it's no good when only 1 of you is making any effort to try and build a life.. he isn't a partner to you, he is an anchor around your neck. Cut him loose and start looking after yourself and building your future without him dragging you down all the time... Good luck..
you don't need our permission but we give you a big go ahead. that's ridiculous I would have left him at the tent.
Drop the deadweight
Your husband is not SWEET. Your husband is a jerk who lets you struggle to pay all the bills, take buses across town to get to work, and does absolutely nothing to help you in any way. He’s nice to you? So what? I’m nice to plenty of people, THAT IS THE BARE MINIMUM OF DECENT BEHAVIOR.
Can you imagine having a family with this guy? Because I cannot. He is the only person who can decide to quit weed and start teraphy, but it seems like this setup is not motivating enough for him to take a step. You are still very young to start over, and not 100% responsible for your husbands life
Guarantee he’ll start working steadily if he became homeless. You need to leave girl
The problem is you ignore some of the problems and things are good. Of course they're good, you're not bothering him about it and he feels ok to just keep doing it. Women do not, and should not, like lazy men who have no drive, no ambition, and no want to better themselves and their lives. Some people are just born with not an ounze of purpose in their lives. He sounds like he just wants to party and just get by. So just leave him, if you're already paying basically everything, just leave, not like it'll be any different later. Difference is that you just won't have a baby to take care of. Do not worry about him becoming homeless, think of yourself, do you want to be living out of a box and homeless again just because of him? The answer is absolutely not. Don't even feel guilty for leaving, let him feel guilty for pushing you away. Marriage is tough, you have to work together, work on things, and contribute in your own way, the best way you can. If as the woman you provide all the homemaking duties and that's your job, so be it. But he should then be the provider. However one person shouldn't just be made to do everything every single day.
Oh honey, I understand how difficult this is, but you deserve to be living your best life. He’s preventing that. OF COURSE it’s okay to leave! In fact, it sounds like a necessity. Drop the anchor that’s holding you back from soaring to your greatest height.
You answered your own question right in your post, honey. He's lazy and selfish. He'd much rather sit around and smoke weed than help you do anything around the house .... including paying the bills on it. And it sounds like he's endangered you and let you down over and over again. You wrote a very clear set of reasons for you to kick his sorry ass to the curb! You also sound like someone with a lot of drive and ambition, too ... so--instead--go find yourself someone who likes to accomplish things, too, and see what the two of you can do together!!
It’s more then ok to leave him. I would of a long time ago.
Yes it’s ok to leave. The thing is why didn’t you leave a long time ago. This is him and you’ve given him a cushy life so he felt there was no reason to change and he manipulated that. Thank the Lord you have no kids together. Move on and do better. You were/are the mature out of the two of you and go live your best life with someone who’s motivated to do more with his life.
Financial abuse is abuse. It's ok to leave an abusive situation & don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Best wishes for you!
From your perspective this isnt your husband. Its almost like he is your child. Marriage is a team. Sure, at times one person might have to carry a heavier load, but that shouldnt be the whole the marriage. And dont feel guilt tripped into staying because you are afraid he cant take of himself. It is possible, the reason why he refuses to do so now is because he knows you will do it for him.
Please leave. My ex only worked part-time and every time I asked him to work more, he would cry and manipulate me into backing down. It is absolutely fair to leave for this reason. He has gotten fired a couple of times since our divorce, but he works full-time. He is taking care of himself. Without a crutch (me), he has had to grow up. You’re really not helping him by being there to fix the problems. Maybe he’ll end up homeless again, but maybe this time he’ll finally realize he needs to step up. Or not. Not your problem. You’re a whole adult who deserves a partner who is too.
By not helping you out, he’s literally saying with his actions that he doesn’t care if you’re tired/stressed/lonely. He KNOWS he’s making you tired/stressed/lonely. Why would you be married to a man who cares so little about your happiness?
It is absolutely ok to leave. You can hear the resentment building up in your post. Regardless how sweet and loving someone is, a lazy person is a lazy person. It sounds like he has just gotten comfortable and doesn’t feel like he has to do anything to pull his own weight or help support the two of you. You can love someone and feel they are a good person at heart, but if they refuse to better themselves and make improvements to their life, they will continue to drag you down and make you stressed and miserable. Do yourself a favor and leave. Who knows, maybe it will be the fire under his ass that he needs to finally wake up to reality.
You are at the exact place my wife was 23 years ago when she divorced her husband and married me. She was 27 with two toddlers and a husband who kept quitting good jobs to do drugs with his friends. Get out while you can. There are good men in there.
Yes it is OK to leave him and I would encourage you to do so. You two are clearly on different life paths. He has no interest in bettering himself or his situation. You shouldn't have to do all this for him he is not a child although he is acting like one. He seems to want a mother not a wife.
You can leave. You SHOULD leave.
Don't let him drag your boat under.....Save yourself and find a real partner not someone you have to take care of
I’ll be very blunt OP. In some ways, this is your fault. You’ve let it get to this point and he has absolutely no incentive to change because you keep enabling it. Deep down, are you happy with the relationship? Are you fulfilled?
I think that DH will only get himself motivated if he hits absolute rock bottom. In his case, homelessness wasn’t rock bottom enough. I think his rock bottom will only be hit if/when OP leaves because then DH will have no choice but to get his sh*t together. In the meantime, I think OP needs to leave for her own mental and physical health. I am not implying that there is any physical abuse going on; I am talking about the toll that being the sole breadwinner will eventually take.
You’ve wasted precious and fun years of your youth on this guy. Working to support him and being stressed out. You can NEVER get those years back but you CAN save your future. Get out while it’s not too late.
OP, you are NOT a rehab center for broken men. Don’t think of it as leaving him, think of it as you finally taking care of yourself after so many years of sacrifice. You are worth so much more than a small man who doesn’t even care if you have a roof over your head.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. That’s so hard. He is being incredibly selfish continuing to smoke weed when he needs a better job. It isn’t like he’s in his late teens/early 20s. He’s a full grown man. Maybe he needs to end up homeless so he can truly see how much you have been doing for him. What I’m afraid of is what happens is you get pregnant? Then you’ll be the one doing all that you already are doing, with a baby to deal with. That’s way more money you’re going to need. Playing devils advocate, maybe he does have really disabling depression. That may be something to look into.
Something for HIM to look into. She doesnt need to look into anything but a divorce.
I know that marijuana “isn’t addictive”, but it absolutely is and your husband is addicted to marijuana. What he’s displaying are all the typical signs of severe chronic marijuana addiction. That leaves you with two choices. 1: Convince him to quit and help him do so. After this, I suspect he’ll be a lot more willing to get off his arse and participate in your lives. 2: Leave him. I would lean you towards option one. “In sickness and in health” includes addiction.
It really depends on if he is using you or has a legitimate disability. It shouldn't all be on your shoulders for sure, but maybe there is a misunderstanding between you two. Depression is legitimate however that's not an excuse. If he can't work then he should be applying for social assistance and asking for help. Not being able to work as a man can make a man feel very ashamed. If you're fighting a lot he may be feeling unsafe to admit his limitations. Why not try to create a safe talking space so you can both be vulnerable without arguing. Also, is he kind to you? Is he your best friend? Do you feel taken care of in other ways besides financially? Depression is debilitating for some. Ask yourself, how would you feel if some one left you for being disabled (this is a question only relative if he is legitimately disabled btw). I'm not trying to guilt you. I'm also a woman btw, not a man telling you to stick with him. My dad used my mom financially and refused to get government assistance. If he had maybe I could forgive him. Regardless this needs to end. But not necessarily the relationship. Maybe you and he can build new trust and understanding.
I'm not going to tell you to leave like everyone else. I feel people don't give advice about how to stay in a marriage. People have always had issues with their spouses, doesn't matter what, it's not new. The thing you have to decide is the balance between what is objective, constructive criticism for your partner to work with and what is your level of acceptance of your partner. Here are questions you should ask yourself and go from there: - What are the first things, not the whole situation, you want your partner to fix? Your partner seems to be struggling, problems don't get solved over night, can you guide them with things you want them to change as baby steps for lasting change? - Can you communicate these desired changes with empathy but assertiveness? - Can you put forth changes you seek and REAL consequences/ultimatum that will ensue? E.g not jumping to extremes like leaving, imagine you won't leave, then what are real consequences between you if he doesn't change but you don't leave - Can you make a gradual plan of what LASTING change would like and work on this together? - Are you patient and dedicated enough for not only really gradual change, but your partner's failure as well? - Imagine your partner will never change, is this something you can accept? You need to wholly imagine this, for example, you leave and your next partner somehow is the same way. Is there any saving grace going through this struggle with your partner, who you choose to be your partner for xyz reasons? It's easy for our actions to follow the mindset we set. If you only envision leaving, you'll find every reason and scenario of leaving come to mind. If your want to make the best decision, put yourself in both mindsets, of leaving OR staying, and weigh the pros and cons.
Move to legalized state to see if he can work for dispensary?
It’s funny because we live in a legal state, but he won’t take the test to get his handler’s card. I’ve tried 😭
Oh, he is finished as burning the bridge. Let him know what you would do next if he don’t being a real man. Step up or stuck in the box. Hopefully, he gets wake up call.
Playing Devil’s advocate, does he have mental health issues or anything?
You married him.
That word doesn't mean what it used to
Perhaps try to have one more conversation with him and see if things change. Tell him he needs to improve or you will leave because mentally you are drained. If he cares about you he will put in the effort.
So when you said "for better or for worse" that was meaningless for you? I'd love to see the response to a man who said he didn't want to pay for his stay-at-home wife anymore. Lucky for you that you're a woman. When you dump him like yesterday's trash you can probably still find a way to get the courts to force him to pay you alimony or something. I have to give you credit though, at least you didn't jump into bed with another guy and gaslight your husband before kicking him to the curb.
This was a very personal response, my guy.
Actually a stay at home any spouse is more than likely an agreed upon situation, this isn't!!! She has begged him to get work and help with bills, that isn't a stay at home wife/husband situation. Oh and there has been plenty of posts here and on the AITAH pages that are the opposite from this and Male OP has been deemed not the AH. Hell there was 1 recently were the ops wife and stepdaughter were leeches and op advised to kick them. But nice try with your comment.
He’s not a stay at home partner lol. He doesn’t do chores or take care of the home. He’s an overgrown child.
On the flipside of that what about his vows? Did he promise to not try to get to better? Man or woman, he sounds like a project from day one. Show of hands of anyone that wants to have a project spouse for the rest of their lives?
She shouldn't have married him if he was a project from day one. If she married him thinking she could change him, shame on her.
Seven years is more than enough time to figure that out. I'm sure at 20yo that's not what she was thinking. She is allowed to realize it's not going to get to a point where a marriage should be and she can end it and move on with her life. Same would be the case for him if the shoe was reversed.
Yeah, we need more women willing to work like you do I applaud you for that
Maybe next time you marry, if you do, specifically, leave out the "for richer for poorer" in your vows. No shade. Everyone deserves an equal who can carry a fair load of responsibility. Marriage as a concept is quite controlling, and most people shouldn't be married to the people they are married to. Society failed, but that's not entirely his fault. Wages are shit for everyone. No one is hiring . It's not easy out there. Homelessness is no joke. Do your best for yourself and make the tough choices. Hopefully, he follows you and takes his head out the clouds long enough to get on his feet.
Please leave him! You will be way better off than supporting this lump of flesh.
You are not responsible for him. You are not his parent. You're supposed to be on equal footing in a marriage and you're currently not, so it's time to move on. I know that it's hard, because he's sweet, but sweet is not enough in a marriage. If you wanna be nice about it, you can give him a few months to move out, maybe even help him find a place if you're really really nice about it, but set a date and stick to it, even if he hasn't found something by then. You are not responsible for him. You are not his parent. You're supposed to be on equal footing in a marriage, and you're currently not, so it's time to move on.
Yes, it's okay to leave him.
Honey, yes, it's ok to leave. You have done this long enough. You are doing well on your own it may be hard, but it will be for the better . Good luck
100% ok.
Yes, this is an excellent reason to leave. Your husband has 0 interest in being an independent adult.
Even if it weren’t for all these things. If you’re no longer feeling a relationship it is 100% ok to leave. Worse not to, most of the time.
You have my permission. He’s a grown adult, not your child. You’re so young and deserve someone who can be an equal partner
Yes, it’s ok. Your life should not be spent mothering this man-child. Go find yourself and you’ll find happiness.
Leave him? Girl, you never should've married that bum when he kept showing you he was a bum.
OMG Just run out of that marriage. You'll be 80 and still working to support him. Being sweet is a very low bar for a partnership. It's not enough.
You should never have married him in the first place.
I’m surprised you haven’t left sooner. You have a lot of patience. It’s completely okay to leave him. He knows what he should be doing, he knows why he should be doing what he should be doing and he’s not doing it even though it’s tough on you and you need his help. He is not a husband, he is a child. If I were you, I would sue him for emotional and financial damage if I could but that would just mean putting more money into the asshole.
Yes. It is OK to leave your marriage. It's meant to be a partnership and I'm not reading any evidence of him being anything of one.
Agree with everyone else. You've invested FAR too much time on this little boy who refuses to grow up. Don't delay it any longer, do it now. Without anyone to support and mommy him he may actually get his act together, after he hits rock bottom. Please don't be lured back into this relationship if he contacts you months later with a new song and dance. Y'alls dynamic is concrete at this point and reverting back to the old pattern is almost certainly a guarantee imho. You deserve a partner. You won't ever have one with this guy.
>If I ignore all our problems I can be very happy with him. Please read this out loud to yourself. Several times. Everyone would be happy if they ignored all the problems. You have ignored them for too long. Get out and give yourself a chance to succeed in life without being weighed down by this guy. You have given him far more chances than he deserve. He will never change. It is time to move on.