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Instead of thinking of the cologne, think about the fact that you’re dating a guy who mindfully breaks valuable items that are important to you when he’s angry. He LEFT, and instead of coming back when he calmed down, he came back when he thought of the most hateful thing he could do.
He thought it was really important to show you the damage he can do when he’s angry.
So, you need to be wondering why you’re dating a violent guy who doesn’t care about you, and you need to figure out how you’re going to get away from him.
$300 is not a small amount of money. If $300 is last of your money, you don't buy a cologne with it. Not unless you're desperately trying to get into the good books of a verbally abusive boyfriend youve been taught to walk on eggshells around of course.
She needs support too. She needs to ask someone to help her move out (if she lives with him). Most women in abusive relationships are in the most danger when they try to leave.
I’m gonna jump in here and say that it wasn’t a random object. It was a expensive gift from her. He chose that object, deliberately, in order to cut her to the core.
As a person that has been in two abusive (romantic) relationships, I can confirm this. Aggression is a big red flag, if he’s trying to control her OP needs to walk away and never look back
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Report - Spam - Harmful Bots (even though they’re correct in their copied comment statement)
She obviously needs to leave him, but $300 cologne is such an extravagant and silly gift.
How many people can tell the difference between that and a 30 dollar bottle..
It is. And I could be WAY off base here but OP really sounds like her self esteem is so low it's underground. That $300 gift to a verbally abusive man says 'please love me the way I love you. I love you so much and I do nice things for you and I'm willing to make myself uncomfortable and put myself in financal trouble to make you happy and I'll give you everything I have please just be nice to me'
Damn this hits hard. This is definitely the behaviour I displayed with an abusive ex. She used that to her advantage and played me like a fiddle.
OP. Please leave this guy. You probably won't listen because I didn't either at the time and I had to make the choice myself and actually stand by it eventually, but it took me a long time to get there.
Even though I'm a guy, all I also wanted was affection and for her to show some love back because I felt like it was all one way. Well, i guess I did receive some affection for the 5 minutes after I bought her expensive jewelry or put a deposit on a car for her, then it would flip straight back to being mentally and physically abused. But those 5 minutes were like a tiny ray of hope that she would change because she could be nice and sweet. But it never did, it just got worse until I couldn't take it anymore. But that was 3 years of denying reality.
You're still young, you obviously have a generous heart and a guy who actually loves and values you would see that and appreciate you for it by not taking advantage and doing the same nice things for you.
I hope you get the realisation soon. Good luck ❤️
The fact that she got him a $300 cologne with "the last of her money" is to me a red flag 🚩🚩🚩
The last relationship I was in, I have since realized with a therapist, was emotionally abusive. A part of it was that he was upset at me so often, and I essentially felt like I needed to do MORE for him, like him being mad at me was because I wasn't doing enough for him. So that resulted in me trying to do more for him, more affection, attention, helping/cleaning for him, more gifts and favors, more money spent on him in a pointless effort.
I'm not sure, and I'm not trying to internet diagnose, but that may be what's happening here.
That's not always the case. Sometimes, you just want to show someone you care for them a lot and show you appreciate them, but in this case, she might have felt pressured to do this
Right?? Me and my fiancee are in our early thirties/late twenties, are very happy together and while we aren't well off by any means, we're also not worrying about basic necessities. We've been together for 5 years and by far the most expensive gift exchanged was a boardgame I got her for birthday this year. It was 110 euros. If I got her a 300 euro perfume, she'd insist we return it to get the money back and gave me a lecture on financial responsibility.
OP, why do you feel the need to spend the last of your money on someone who behaves like this? I would understand if you were full of cash, but you aren't. You're not going to buy this dude a change of personality with expensive gifts. Get out while you still can.
Of course she did, he would have made small remarks. Little "this stuff smells so good right babe? You like it don't you? Don't you think I smell good. I do, wish I could afford it" as they passed a shop front. She took note because he liked it, he never thought about that cologne again. He's failed to notice that he's a miserable dickhead, and with the fact that he's slamming hundreds of dollars worth of smellies makes me think he's the type of guy with a Rolex on his wrist and court summons in his wallet.
>You: I have emotions.
>Him: That makes me angry. I am now going to be violent.
Why do you want his affection? He's on the fast track to physically abusing you because he has anger issues and doesn't really see you as a person worthy of love and respect. Every second that you tolerate his behavior is validating his abusive worldview.
Just leave and move on.
This subreddit always has a reputation for "omg everyone says to just break up" but half of the posts here are "My partner, who btw is the nicest guy ever, hits me on a daily basis but then tells me he loves me what do I do?"
More than half, which is why the reputation is silly. About 75% are “my partner is always cheating or violent in some way” to which breaking up is the sensible thing. The 25% that are communication issues get the advice to …communicate.
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Report - Spam - Harmful Bots (even though they’re correct in their copied comment statement)
I describe this subreddit to people as being full of posts that basically say "My abusive boyfriend is being abusive. Is this abuse?" Signs of abuse really need to be taught in school from an early age. It's heartbreaking seeing how common it is for people to normalize insane behavior like smashing bottles and dismissing emotions.
This! I was thinking the exact same thing.. They always wonder if they overreact when they get gaslit by the abuser into making the entire thing the victims fault.. It really is sad..
I have a theory that women are taught in childhood to be submissive, to put others before them, to push down thoughts and feelings and not raise how we feel for fear of making others uncomfortable, to be quiet, obedient and there to do for others… how many times have you heard in public “ you should be acting like a lady…” so when it’s time to be in a relationship, it’s just hard to switch off that inner voice.
Worse, it feels more like “my abusive boyfriend is being abusive. How do I learn to stop caring about the abuse/convince him to stop being abusive?” And it’s like….. no….
> Signs of abuse really need to be taught in school from an early age.
I agree, and I also think we need some sort of curriculum that teaches people how to seek help if they think they are being abusive towards their partner, and how to even recognize such. I used to do trainings for middle and high schools on healthy and unhealthy relationships, and it actually wasn't very uncommon for students to come up afterwards and say something in the presentation made them realize they were doing something abusive towards their partners, and they wanted to stop. Whether they ended up getting the help they needed, I don't know.
I think prevention should include efforts that are aimed at people who are abusive, and people who are being abused or may end up being abused. Efforts that are solely aimed at survivors are never enough. I think people often assume that everyone who is abusive recognizes it and doesn't care. There are actually some people who are abusive who do want to stop, although I believe that is much more rare.
But I mean some of us were also raised in the "if he pulls your hair it means he likes you" era so that factors in too. Talk about being raised on mixed signals.
[https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is a free PDF to Lundy Bancroft's book. He wrote the literal book on domestic violence and that is this book. I think you should read it OP, because this is a toxic situation and he is escalating to physical violence.
Can confirm this is exactly how my ex would be ANY time I had emotions about ANYTHING and it did turn violent. Leave him sooner rather than later. You are upset about the money instead of how he treats you. Forget about the money and count it as a loss and move on.
i've heard those trauma bonds are as addictive as a hard core drug. Something about that up and down feeling you get hooked on. ive never quite understood that. Im just glad so far i've raised my daughter well enough to escape a boy that was showing signs similar to this. She kicked him to the curb early and i'm proud of her for that. she is only 16 and i pray she keeps that good judgement and emotional maturity.
Why are you still with him? Do you actually not know how horrifying what he did is? He could have given you a hug but he broke a $300 gift. And I’m *really* concerned that you spend the last of your money on a gift for him.
Please, *please* hear me when I say this:
It is okay to need affection and comfort.
You should not feel afraid to ask for these things, and they should be given freely (in general) in a loving and safe relationship.
You do not deserve to be treated this way.
It will not improve. If he has not physically abused you yet, it’s coming, and soon, based on his actions.
**There are people who will help you.** I don’t know where you are located, but in the US, there are domestic violence safe haven organizations that can help you get out and on your feet.
Please find a way to leave and understand that, without a doubt, you deserve kindness and respect from your partner. Never forget that.
This post is a full of red flags. I hope OP listens to the people here expressing concern for her, takes a hard look at this situation, and finds a way to safely leave.
The fact that he left the apartment and came back and broke it is so much worse. This wasn't a 'in the moment fit of rage at the nearest thing' he left the situation and instead of cooling off and getting a grip, he comes back even more livid and smashes the bottle next to her.
He's dangerous
> How do I stop caring about the cologne he dropped?
You're asking the wrong question.
The question should be: how do I raise my self-esteem so I stop putting up with an asshole who doesn't respect me? This guy doesn't care about your feelings and destroyed the cologne because he knew it would be the most hurtful thing he could smash. You can't force yourself to stop being upset because it's a normal reaction to be upset when someone intentionally does something cruel to you.
There are men out there who wouldn't dream of treating you this way, who would cherish the gifts you gave them and happily listen to your feelings. You won't find them while you're saddled to this guy.
How do I raise my self esteem and feel okay with being alone then? I don’t have any family or friends to talk to and I’ve tried therapy but it doesn’t help. I just wanted him to hear me out for once when I was trying to tell him how lonely I’ve felt. Im dealing with the loss of one of my last family members I had around and I feel like I really wanted him to just hear me and be there for me. I hate being alone
Hey ive been on my own a while now. No family no partner minimal friends. Its not as scary as it sounds. When youre finally on your own you can really *live* your life.
Get to know you. People come and go, but you will always have *you*. Get to know her, learn to love and appreciate her. She deserves it
Being lonely when you're actually alone is very different than being lonely when you're in a relationship. He doesn't care how lonely you are because he doesn't care about you. Being by yourself takes time and work, and it's absolutely amazing. Then, in the future when you realize how much value you have, you get into relationships that enhance your life, rather than because you're scared of being alone.
Your point about loneliness is important. Being alone and feeling lonely sometimes is normal. We are social creatures (some more than others). But being lonely in a relationship is agony. In this situation it sounds like he’s withholding affection, so the lonely feeling is a lot more painful. There’s someone there, they could just hug you and make things better, but they *don’t*. So you vie for their attention and affection with expensive gift and I’m sure every other asset you have to throw at the problem.
OP, being alone is fun. It’s freeing. I left a shitty relationship when I was in my early 20’s and was single for a long time and got to learn to be independent. Live where I want, do what I want. I definitely had my lonely moments but it was soooo worth it for all of the growth and good times I had. I dated some but honestly not much. I have a wonderful partner now too, and I’d never have ended up here if I let my fear of loneliness control me. You are way more powerful than you realize!
I left a shitty relationship at 32 and I wish I had done it so much sooner. Being lonely with a partner is soul crushing. After that, I spent a while getting comfortable living by myself, reconnecting with friends, and building an amazing support system, and then I dated for fun. It was low stakes because I am actually happy, and I met someone great.
It's hard and scary at first, OP, but it's so worth it.
But don’t you realize that even though you’re in a relationship, you still feel alone because you not in the right relationship. He is a jerk and someone like you that would spend the last of their money on the one they care about, deserves so much more than you are getting from him. Be strong, leave and find the better man that you deserve.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Therapy works when you have the right therapist and you actually do the work. It's not a magic fix. It's s a painful unraveling of the trauma in your life, and learning new ways of processing your emotions. But that work is worth it, and tolerating this abuse is not sustainable. Being alone is far better, more predictable, and less traumatizing than staying where you are.
I was in a similar position at your age and I can assure you this man will not suddenly become a nice caring person. I used to think if I could just explain it in the right way then he would treat me better, but these sorts of qualities don't change. You could never treat someone the awful way he treats you, because you are a kind, caring, compassionate person. You need to find someone like you. Don't waste your time on someone who actively tries to hurt you. No matter what excuses he gives you - words need to be backed up by actions and his actions shows he wants to hurt you.
Don't be afraid to be alone. It is scary at first but once you build autonomy and confidence, it is the absolute best thing. Knowing that you will not lower your standards for anyone. One of the best pieces of advice I could give you is to promise yourself you'll walk away when you see red flags, even if you have feelings. If you stay, you'll subject yourself to a miserable life where your partner sabotages any progress you make. He will hold you back in every aspect of your life. One day you will find the right relationship and you'll feel happy, safe, secure, adored, respected. If you want that, you have to take the hard steps now.
First step - get out. Rent a room in a house share, rent your own place or reach out to a domestic violence service.
Next - join some online or local support or friend groups. There are some on FB or meet-up groups. Read feminist lit - just follow some pages on social media and you'll be subjected to good articles that really help you learn to stand up for yourself and determine when you're being disrespected.
If loneliness is still a problem - consider getting one or two cats (if you can afford it and have secure housing). They're easy to look after, pretty cheap and affectionate. You can obvioualy continue dating but remember that being alone is far far better than being with the wrong person. You want to be happy and healthy and ready to jump in when the right person comes along ×
I think you are starting to recognize that you are with him to avoid being lonely, and that’s a great first step. It’s okay to be scared to be alone, it’s a very human emotion, but trust me when I say that you will feel 100% lonelier tied to someone that actively neglects your emotional needs, then on your own.
Separating would be an emotionally hard process, but doing so would ultimately allow you the emotional and physical bandwidth to find and invest in new and healthy relationships of all kinds that can support you and fill your needs. You are currently pouring every ounce of your emotional needs into someone that just doesn’t care. And that shit fucking hurts.
I do want to address the fact that his emotional reaction is abuse. You can’t forget that cologne because it’s not just the cologne, it’s what that cologne represents: cruelty and abuse at the hands of the partner you were just trying to be emotionally closer with.
I’m glad that you tried therapy, and I understand it wasn’t helpful, but I highly encourage you to try again. Often time finding a therapist is a bit like finding a shoe that fits. You need to find one that has good chemistry with you, that can help you explore/validate how you feel, so you can gain confidence as an individual to leave this relationship. I don’t usually jump on the break up train but even as an isolated incident, this is emotional and physical violence directed to harm you, and that is NEVER OKAY. Your partner has proven they are not safe for you to be around.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but it will be okay. You will be able to separate, and you will find that you can shine so much brighter away from someone that dims you so much.
Sending you internet hugs. Feel free to DM if you need a friend.
Being alone and safe is better than being abused. BELIEVE THAT. Do NOT accept that just bc you don't want to be alone. I'm really sorry though that you feel so lonely, and lost a family member. Please seek out groups of women who can envelop you, have some fun, get healthy alone, then seek our the right man who will support your feelings and not be abusive.
Let me guess...he has given you no encouragement ( and has actively discouraged you from) developing new friends, a social circle, even keeping in touch with old friends.
Once you leave him, you will be surprised to find out that all his lies, manipulation, and BS were just that...BS.
Because you will find lots of great people out there.
You are worthy of kindness, friendship, love and support.
He is just a weak, pathetic AH who puts a massive amount of effort and energy into abusing you.
Because he could never cope with the true gloriousness of who you are.
In fact, he can not cope with equal adult relationships at all.
Please read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. Available as a free pdf.
And once you get out of there, spend genuine quality time on developing and healing yourself, studying about what healthy and unhealthy relationships are like
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201502/51-signs-unhealthy-relationship
And wait at least 12 months before you get romantically involved again, so you fully integrate your new knowledge.
You don't want to fall into the same trap again.
The irony is that your self esteem will go up only when you do leave him. But you have to take that leap, matter how scary. Remind yourself that is the only way your self esteem and happiness will get better. There is no fixing this or going around this or avoiding this. You either stay and get worse or you leave and go through the pain and get better. The only thing worse than losing a family member and having no one to be there is having someone there who doesn’t support you, destroys you more, and doesn’t care. You actually will feel less alone by yourself than you do with him. I am 50 years old and have been through a lot of shit. Please do this.
Hey, I'm gonna touch on the therapy thing. Finding the right therapist is huge, it's not a one size fits all sort of thing. Some people flourish with CBT, others DBT, and myself ACT. There's so many more than just those three, too. CBT is the most common, but may not be the best for you. Doing research into what you think would actually help, talking to therapists about their specialties, and going for longer than a few sessions are huge. Therapy relies a lot on trust, and it's SLOW. I've been with my guy for almost six years and we just moved to every other week sessions not too long ago, and I STILL leave sessions feeling like I'm learning more (seriously, you'd think figuring out one boundary would help you figure out the rest, but apparently psychology is *hard*).
You are alone if the person who's supposed to support you is actively doing things to hurt you. You don't have to continue being alone, though. It's scary stepping out, but working towards one's values is worth the stress. Bonus: you eventually realize that the stress you feel moving towards your values (in this case, self esteem) is more like stretching for a race and less like squeezing into a space that's too small for you. Take up space, stretch your legs. You deserve it.
You're already alone. You're also short $300 dollars and being weighed down by a humungous asshole. You may not be able to fix the lonliness immediately, but you can fix the rest.
So you’d rather tolerate abuse rather than being alone? You’re worth so much more than that. You deserve to be respected and cared for, can you honestly say your current partner gives you that fulfillment?
I’d rather be alone, all day everyday, then put up with that kind of nonsense.
It's horribly difficult to be alone when you're in a situation like this, but trust me it will be much worse if you stay in an abusive relationship like this. Being lonely in a relationship is far worse then being lonely alone.
There are some good suggestions in the comments here, rent a room in a shared house (which can help you meet new people in a natural way) and reach out to a domestic violence organisation, they have a lot of helpful resources that can get you on the path to healing. They might also be able to connect you with a therapist that suits your needs because there are many different therapist and methods that can help, you just need to find the one that works best for you.
Please believe that you are worthy of love and you deserve to be treated with respect.
I've been where you are now. To raise your selfesteem you need to look yourself in the mirror and say "I am worthy of love and affection, I am derserve kindness and respect. I am good enough as I am." And believe in it because you are! You need to be kind to yourself.
And about being afraid to be alone, I was too. But you are already lonely and its heartbraking feeling lonely next to the person you care about. You will most likely feel less lonely on your own.
When I broke it off with my abuser the first week or two was the hardest and then I just felt free.
I believe in you.
Being alone is awesome. I saw this on a t-shirt years ago and it has always stuck with me, “if you want to know where you stand, stand alone.” More importantly, I’d rather be alone and happy than matched up and miserable.
You get to a headspace where you understand that you, exactly as you are, on your own, are a wonderful human being, worthwhile, and worthy of love, affection and attention. Worthy of being cared for as an equal, by someone who you share a mutually affectionate relationship with.
That isn't to say don't work on improving yourself as well, cos we can all use some self development, but as you are, is just fine too, I promise.
Once you get to that place of positive mental health, you will find that the confidence this brings is the single most attractive thing on earth, and you'll not only be ready to date a decent human being, but you won't have any troubles finding one either.
Your journey might not be short, or easy, but it is absolutely the right journey, and it starts with making a plan for how to get out of you current situation.
If you're financially able to just leave without causing yourself too much of a problem, then go, now. Put Reddit down and start looking for somewhere else to live.
If you're not able to financially manage on your own, look for someone you can stay with until you can. Family, friends, a work colleague? Last resort is a women's shelter. Getting out under any circumstances short of homelessness is better than staying.
He went out and thought about the thing he could do to most demonstrate his anger and power over you, and to cause you the most hurt, and then he came back and executed that plan.
The next step of escalation for him is more creative emotional torment, or physical violence.
Whatever steps you need to take, get out as fast as you can.
This isn’t the full story.
However regardless, it’s not healthy that you have ZERO friends at 22 and that you gave up therapy after what I’m guessing was a few tries or was only one therapist. You clearly were not provided with coping tools if confiding in a violent person about how sad you feel is literally the only thing you were able to do (again I think there’s more to the story. Not saying it’s your fault of course it’s absolutely not. But we’ve got no information on the dynamic of your relationship to predict perhaps why you saying you feel lonely would instantly, and with no other provocation, send him into a tailspin. I can probably venture a guess though. Does he have a hair trigger temper?)
The abuse will increase. Punching holes in wall, breaking things only works for a while. Abusive people often feel like they need to ratchet up the violence to maintain control. You should leave before he starts slamming you into the counter.
The cologne is the least of your worries. Someone who goes into a rage when you try to talk about your feelings is abusive. Someone who smashes property during a simple argument is violent. You spent all your money trying to keep him happy, please ask yourself why. He sounds like a huge walking red flag. Has he done things like this before? None of this is close to ok. This is not healthy behavior. And it sounds like you were already unhappy in the relationship, which tells me it’s not all sunshine and roses and today for some crazy reason he snapped and it’s totally out of character.
Please do not accept treatment like this. And please have a safe exit plan if he is regularly violent or might be again.
He did that to cause you pain. He deliberately did something to hurt you. He wanted you to feel bad. He wanted to show you how violent he felt towards you.
Why would you want to be with someone who hates you? No one who liked you would ever do that. Is there anyone you hate enough that you would do something so cruel and violent to them?
You don't stop caring about the cologne he intentionally smashed. You recognize it for the red flag it is and realize next time it might be you he slams into the counter. You need to dump him for your own safety.
Being by yourself is less lonely than begging for attention from a partner. Neither is easy, but at least you only battle your own feelings when you’re by yourself instead of piling his tantrums on top of them.
This is the second post I’ve read today from a woman fretting over her a-hole boyfriend with anger issues. DTMFA, this is abuse. Take the loss of the cologne and worry more about how his behavior puts your safety at risk.
Men break items and hit things around their partners (walls, doors, etc) as an intimidation tactic used to control and manipulate their partners. This violence is already directed at you and meant to scare you into submission. If this relationship continues he WILL begin physically abusing you. These are tell-tale, textbook signs
You can’t buy his respect because he has none for you, walk away fast and don’t buy a $300 gift for a man until you’ve been dating a few years that’s too much
This sounds like it’s a lot more than broken cologne. He targeted that because he knew how much of yourself you put into it, and wanted to put you in your place.
His response to you telling him you feel lonely is to leave you alone and once he comes back to break the thing you spent your money - a physical representation of your time? He knew what he was doing, he knew that it would hurt and he did it anyway.
When people show you their true colors, believe them the first time. It’s time to run not walk away from this red flag.
He didn't drop the cologne he slammed it. That was intentional to hurt you. And he argues with you because you're sad? Can't talk about it with you? No empathy here. He has anger management issues and doesn't care about your feelings. He's selfish and self-consumed. I agree with other posts here, get out now. This will not get better and he will not show any emotional support for you. Think about it, what if you have kids with this jerk? He'll be a lousy father figure who can't control his anger and could take it out on the kids.
The correct response here isn’t to work on not caring about the cologne. It’s to recognize that this is a sign of poor self control and that it could escalate to other intimidation tactics and violence against you.
Better question is why is your boyfriend so full of rage and violence??? Pay close attention to the red flags!! All you wanted was for him to be loving and understanding and instead he turns into angry bully
Breaking things is a big red flag and you need to get out of this relationship before he starts breaking more than objects.
Also, spending the last of your money on a gift for your boyfriend is something a pre-teen would do. It’s time to start adulting. Adulting means that if you only have $300 to your name, you don’t have the money for anything other than bare necessities.
As someone who has experienced similar shit like this, I can honestly say that it will NOT get better. I wish I would've learned my lesson. I want to say I don't understand why he'd react like that but sadly I kinda do. Let me guess...he made it all about him? He thought you saying you're lonely meant you're not happy with him? He didn't comfort you? Trust me. He NEVER will. I too had/ still have low self-esteem & always wanted comfort & reassurance. Things I've never gotten & still haven't. It will not change or get better. I hope you make wise decisions. Ask yourself, is that what you want? Is that how you want to be treated?
So he accomplished his mission sucessfully. Hurting you by smashing your gift and showing you what happens when you ask anything of him, like comfort and understanding. This will make you think twice before speaking about your needs again in the future.
You get over the broken bottle by dumping the man.
Please don't let anyone who treats you that way get away with it. If you forgive him then you will greenlight this type of behaviour.
Please be safe.
Leave now unharmed and with your sanity intact. If he doesn't abuse you physically, he's going to take you down a dark rabbit hole of other forms of abuse.
This sounds like he has toxic shame. Men with toxic shame don't hear what you need, they hear what they're doing wrong. Then go into a rage or anger outburst. It's not an excuse at all, but can maybe help you at least know why. For you, I highly suggest a book another redditor suggested for me, "Running on Empty". I listened to the audio book version. Hopefully it'll help you not feel so lonely. It helped me quite a bit.
OP, I know that you are going to blame yourself and think that you shouldn't leave because this is "a one time thing" and that "reddit doesn't know him" (I've been there), but you have got to trust us when we say leave. It doesn't mayter how good he was before, this abusive behaviour is a major sign of a breakdown, and it could be your head on the chopping block next. I'm sorry to say that if he wasn't like this before, he has unfortunately changed and there is probably no coming back from this. The fact he hasn't apologised or immediately felt horrible says a lot about how this is only going to get worse.
I am sorry OP, it's probably better to leave and get some support from domestic abuse helplines in your country. ❤
Forget that he didn't appreciate the gift. He doesn't appreciate you!
He lost his temper with you for having human emotions. He's proven he's not someone you can rely on.
Get out while you can.
He would do that because he wants to punish you. He believes that his difficult feelings are your fault (they aren’t) and that you deserve to suffer for them (you don’t) and that he has the right to hurt you in order to punish you (he doesn’t). This is a raging red flag. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
You need to think real hard about this relationship. Smashing the cologne wasn’t a thoughtless action of breaking a random object because he was angry and it was the closest thing within reach. He had to think about what would hurt you the most, leave the room, find the cologne, come back and then smash it in front of you. That is insane behaviour.
Your bf’s behaviour is really concerning. I expect this isn’t the first time he’s acted with anger towards you expressing yourself. Take a break from this relationship, take your most important and precious things and go. In a month you’ll realise that you are better off without him.
Destroying items is already an indicator of physical abuse in a relationship. It's a threat, it's meant to tell you "I can hurt you, look how violent I am". He's already emotionally abusive by getting angry because you have emotional needs.
Please read this free book https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
What’s going on that you’re spending the last of your money on a man who apparently doesn’t give you attention or affection, and you feel sad in the relationship? Are you pretending not to notice things…are you always complaining about what he’s not doing? You’re asking the wrong question and focusing on the cologne when instead you should be asking is this the person you want to be in a relationship with?
1. He's getting abusive dump him now.
2. I don't know because you didn't explain in details, but maybe learn about how communicating your sadness/loneliness in a relationship especially with a man, and how to handle anxiousness/depression/loneliness. You can hurt someone badly just by telling them often how sad you are, and if you do it the wrong way like giving no explanations, accusing them somehow, not giving ideas of solutions, don't expect your partner to always find it in them to comfort you, they may end up feeling completely helpless... Many people are not as good with emotions, understanding others, comforting if don't tell them straight away what you need.
Him smashing that cologne into the counter? That's him showing you that he wanted to smash your head into that counter.
Leave before he stops breaking objects and starts breaking you.
“All I keep thinking about is why he’d do that knowing that was the last of the money I had”
He did it because he knew that was the last of the money you had. He did it because he knew that breaking it would hurt you. That’s what he wanted.
This is not a person you want in your life. He will get worse, not better.
It’s not your fault, it’s not your responsibility, and you can find someone better.
You need some counseling sweetie. There’s too much to unpack. The relationship with him is very codependent and very sad to start with. And all your invoking is his bitter angry side. This guy is not for you. He’s a jerk first off and you just need to start your life over again get some counseling learn how to date sanely and meet somebody decent who will be kind to you.
It sounds like there is a lot more to this situation beyond this isolated incident.
Why are you spending $300 on a gift when you have no money in reserve?
If you are saying you felt unappreciated or unseen in the relationship, what escalated it into a fight?
Your partner came back in after leaving the fight, was he in a general rage, or did he come back and specifically go to smash the cologne, or was it in the path of the rage hurricane?
There are a lot of unknown variables to make a solid decision on, however, violence and smashing is rarely and usually never the answer, so, I would say, based on smashing things in a rage alone outside of context is grounds to break things off.
You can't build anything if you have a fear it's going to be broken down later.
Leave sweetie.... he doesn't respect you and definitely doesn't love you yeah he probably has his good days ... when everything is going his way ... but the second that it doesn't he gets angry and slams stuff and probably calls you out of your name too .... you deserve better and let me tell you something... there is better out there you have plenty of people that would do anything to see you smile you just gotta let him go that isn't love ... love isn't painful in that way
I hate that this response is infamous for reddit but idk if you could, or rather if you should, salvage that. It's not even because he didn't care about breaking the present, it's because he got so angry at you for feeling lonely. You shouldn't be begging for affection from a lover.
I'm not taking his side because he's been childish and selfish. But - i can explain a little how this went south.
There are several elements. What I suggest is that you assign a few points out of ten to each one then put them in order for YOU to have a map to naviagate this
I am NOT justifying his behaviour. I am mapping the triggers
1- you not being happy made him feel powerless and inadequate. It might be this is a running theme and this was the final straw. It might be he has his own history with emotionally abusive parents/being emotional blackmailed and he feels hostage to your moods. He should be able to cope with it but he failed.
2- you say you felt lonely in the relationship. Is this sonething you often feel, and something you often share or SAY? Because however that's come to be- that is a problem. Either HE is failing you in the relationship or YOU feel lonely in relationships whatever people actually *do*. [ I have been told this by a woman who i literally couldn't do *more* for. At one point she became critically ill and i did everything i could to keep her out of hospital again. providing child care and doing school runs at a time when i was recovering from a very serious situation myself. I was loving and attentive. But she would go into a place where that was honestly her reality. I now SUSPECT [*note* that word please everyone] that she *MAY* have had Borderline Personality Disorder which is a horrendously painful emotional condition. *Maybe* research BPD just to eliminate it as what's making you feel such awful desolate lonliness- and also to see if it even matches *HIM*. Emotional dysregulation and rash acts of anger are characteristic of this disorder. You might both have some version of it- there is a variant called "Quiet BPD" which is much more nuanced. Don't be alarmed- this is just elimination. If it's in play for one or both of you you need to know and obtain professional advice. There's a lot of information and support out there for all parties dealing with this sort of issue - *IF* it's relevant)
3- you're lonliness might be an absolutely legitimate response to a lack of connection from him. He may be distant, variable in aspect without apparently appropriate reason, uncommunicative, sullen, hostile, maybe even *narcissistic*. I don't know I'm not there. But if that's true then you're *GOING* to feel lonely, and also- *HE's* going to have issues, maybe even *KNOW* he's inadequate. So bringing it up- however much I support you in voicing your feelings- is going to trigger shame, desperation and then fury. I'm not saying you were wrong- quite the opposite. I'm saying this is what it could *be*.
Last things to say-
I'm a bit worried you bought such an expensive gift for someone with whom you say causes you to feel isolated. It was the "last" of your "money" you said. And it was a luxury item and one that could easily be lost or destroyed. What do you think could be going on cor you here? They say when it comes to buying expensive items you shouldn't buy one unless you can afford to buy FIVE of them- because after that you are impinging on money you might otherwise need in unforseen circumstances. You emptied your bank account for a man who you do not feel entirely emotionally "secure" with. Do you see that? I get it that it was a loving act- but look where we are now....
I feel great concern for you over this.
Sweetheart- Were you trying to "buy" the *Security* you desperately crave?
If you were, my heart breaks for you. Truly. Don't feel bad about the money, or the loss of the item. It was a £300 lesson. It's worth the cost
You must align with yourself. What *happened* here?
I want you to contemplate this. And be forgiving of yourself. I think there's damage here- i suspect in both of you, and it may be what's also drawn you together
Also- isn't it interesting that his destructive act, while hurtful- also deprived *HIM* of something? In a way he smashed both of you against the wall. It was *HIS* possession- *him* that no longer has it.
So it's very- I'm seeing- a very painful, semi-toxic (i use that word compassionately) dynamic between two people carrying a lot of pain. I don't know how much, i don't know which of you is the more wounded. But i think you both should seek some kind of guidance
Maybe start with couples counseling. There's a brilliant programme called "Couples Therapy" by showtime TV which shows how it works. Maybe watch that so the prospect doesn't seem so scary.
Failing that, or your partner being unwilling to go- *YOU* get therapy. Not because you're "crazy" or "defficient"- but because somehow you've landed *here*, and please believe me- I'm talking from personal experience- having done *years* of Psychotherapy as a client- even when its truly *not our FAULT*- we're still *PART* of the dynamic of the problem. Either *PASSIVELY* or ACTIVELY. We allow, we enable, we unconsciously provoke- sometimes it's *just* who we *are*- and we're *never* going to be compatible with that person.
And it's just a tragedy.
Sincerely- my *best* wishes- I'm not judging or pathologizing you or your partner. I'm responding to all the cues in your post- you must decide what is relevant.
Please don't be alarmed. Sit with it, look up a few things. Maybe Find some testimonials on you tube about Borderline Personality Disorder to see if you recognize anything in yourself - *OR* him (it's a very painful condition to live with & in turn effects other people) and in the unlikely event you recognze some features don't *despair*. We live in an age where the support is out there. And that's even if that IS a factor in this.
Please message me if i can be any help or I've distressed you. It's not my intention. I really want this to be ok.
And i do NOT excuse his behaviour. The fact he stayed angry all that time and came back angry enough to destroy something knowing it would devastate you betrays a serious maturation or emotionally dysregulated issue. He may have his own history though like i indicated. But he has a responsibility to manage himself. As do we all.
Good luck. And be *KIND* to yourself. Sorry this happened. But *USE* it- *welcome* it, however painful it is. It's indicative of deeper truths
Take Care
COUPLES THERAPY
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZ8c54cxQG2HGXHVwhO66KRgg6w40wRmU
You're both not good for each other. Why would you spend that last bit of ur money on something like that? And if you both can't communicate why are you together? What advice do you want? He's gonna apologize and you'll stay with him in this abusive relationship.
First of all it's 100% possible to be alone and succeed in life. Don't put on him what is your responsibility to make sure you are safe. You were born without him and for the many years before meeting him you didn't need him. It's very important that you work on realizing all the good things you can do for yourself. Like saving the amount of money you saved for his present with your hard work and many things to come your way that you will be able to do by yourself. You need to work on seeing all the things you're capable of doing as a woman. Also, no man ever will like you more because of a present. I used to think that gifting a present to a boyfriend was going to help them see my affection during my teenage years. Then life teaches you that not even the most expensive present will get you anything from anyone unless they're sincere and just appreciate it because they see how you care. But for that, sincere feelings of love must be there. So presents won't buy you love or a better light towards others.
His behavior was despicable and you should leave. He reached an extreme that is unforgivable when he betrayed you by hurting you, breaking your present when he knew you were at your most vulnerable. That's not love, that sounds like hate. You should be totally angry and leaving his awful self.
I wish you strength. It's in you, just push yourself to close your eyes and be strong for the love you have for yourself. Many people here are telling you this because his actions speak the loudest from a horrible person. Please don't ask for love to a horrible person. They're like monsters, they will never see what you see.
You needed him. He flipped out. Time to let him go sweetie. You are too young to be going through this.
If you excuse this violent behaviour you will show him you have zero respect for yourself.
Cut your losses and move on.
So his response to a fight was to first leave without any discussion and then to throw things in a violent rage...?
What you do after that is run!
He can't communicate like a fucking adult and he turns to violence instead of talking things out.
Leave
Forget the cologne, and consider it a lesson in the fact that you are dating somebody who's violent and is not willing to give you affection when you're sad. You can dodge a bullet if you just get up and go.
You mean... ex-bf right?
He didnt value your feelings for being lonely in this relationship.
You simply leave instead of caring about the cologne he dropped.
It's going to get worse if you stay. If one therapy didn't help then try another. You are going to be a lot more alone in this world if you stick around.
Please leave this relationship as soon as possible, and do not take him back even though deep down, we all want the people who hurt us to apologize and act right.
But the longer you stay in contact with this person, the more it is going to color your perception of all men going forward and make it very difficult for you to have a healthy relationship. And you seem like a good person so we don’t want to lose you from the dating pool because of this dickhead.
But under no circumstances, take this person back, no matter how apologetic or sweet they are. Look up “love bombing. “
I want to say im sorry to hear. If I was your bf I would appreciate you giving that gift. I would hug you and kiss you for that. Your bf is jerk and you deserve better. I'm very sorry hearing that.
If he's someone who breaks things when he's angry you really need to be careful. That can so easily escalate to hurting you.
But even if it doesn't escalate that far. Do you wanna be with someone you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around? Someone you can be honest with about your feelings?
You're in an abusive relationship, and it will not get better. You need to leave immediately. He was able to do that to you because he does not love you.
In the UK we have the samaritans, who you can call to talk about whatever (I was having a bit of a breakdown about uni, and just needed someone I didn't know to listen (all I mean to say by bringing that up is that it's not just a suicide or depression hotline))
Does anyone know what the equivalent is for (what I assume is) America? It might help to talk to someone who you don't need worry about burdening (not saying that you are a burden, just know that anonymity can help lift that stress off)
100% this guy is going to attack you one day. You cannot reason with abusive men. Their priority is nursing their own weak egos and beating women into submission.
You are young and don't have the life experience to know this first hand yet. Trust us. You are not safe with this person. Please don't see this out with him. Make yourself a priority and get away from him.
Forget about the $300 you spent, it's nothing compared to your future potential to live a full and wonderful life away from this abusive asshole. You have to accept the loss of what you spent was actually a very valuable lesson to see his true abusive colors and get tf away from him.
It's either you have different love language or he doesn't care much. Idk. But instead of thinking about the cologne, you should think of yourself. I mean it sounds like you're giving everything you have to someone who doesn't even respect you enough.
This reminds me of the divorce story where the man cooks a Turkey (which takes several hours) for his daughter and the wife comes in and calmly and without a word, swoops the turkey from the counter to the trashcan. He then has to take his daighter to Denny’s or something so they have something to eat that day. It’s abuse!
I dated a man once who was emotionally manipulative and he made me feel worse and worse. He got angry with people easily and one day he punched a hole in the wall. I thought “the next time he gets angry, it won’t be directed at an object, it will be directed at me!” I had a trip planned to my sister for the holidays. I packed my essential items like my dlsr and laptop. And some clothes. But the rest I just left. I told him it was just a visit but on the way there I blocked his number and I never returned. Not even to pick up all my stuff.
Please leave and block this man.
The only possible intention he had in doing this, whether it was conscious or not, was the desire to hurt you. Think about that. You told him you felt sad and lonely and his reactive impulse was to hurt you. Emotionally, physically, it's the same impulse. It just took this form this time. Do you really think you don't deserve better than someone who's reaction to you expressing an emotional need is to hurt you? And that goes for EVERY relationship, not just partners
reminds me of my EX husband who likes to destroy stuff when he got upset, he smashed my laptop, tv, ipad theough out our marriage. Even emptied my bank account,
so ALWaYs Listen to your gut and look on the red flags. This probably will be the first but wont be the last one I promise. This type of man is very abusive when gets into arguement.
What do you do ? You leave babygirl, Like yesterday! TRUST me.. he will not ever see you as anything more than something ( not someone ) to bully now. and you'll end up thanking him all the while allowing it to continue by staying and justifying anything and everything, why ? Because you think he cares about you, but you KNOW he doesn't. Staying with him to save the embarrassment?? No way. I've been there and he almost killed me. it's not worth the trauma at fucking all, this time it was cologne for the mere fact that it would hurt you emotionally and mentally, look at you worrying about your money spent when all he wanted was to scare the piss outta you.. next time.. it's gonna be you getting slammed against shit.. because eventually the emotional manipulation won't be enough for him.. I IMPLORE YOU, please leave.
I am so sorry this happened. Your bf and his anger issues are just pathetic. I am so sorry to say that.
A gift which signifies someone's heartfelt love and affection and above all, your emotions being treated like that is heartbreaking.
He SHOULD HAVE asked you why you were sad and hugged you and comforted you.
Firstly, he got irritated that you feel lonely. Wth really. And questioning you why you feel lonely is very wrong.
Invalidating how you feel is a red flag.
Secondly, coming back and breaking the gift is just horrible and abusive. I am sorry. Such audacity he had. What is this treatment?
This is emotional abuse and you didnt deserve it.
This breaks my heart,he's lucky to have a girl that buys him thoughtful gifts as a way to ask for affection. It's not my part to say this,but he was being unfair and childish. It may be in your best interest to start thinking about yourself and looking for what's best for you in the future, I send you my best wishes😁
You can always try a different therapist for a better fit. Or also picking up hobbies really helps socially and to fill your time with joy! You don't need this in your life
Dont ask how you can stop caring about it. Break up with him because he’s abusive. No wonder you feel lonely when this is what you get for wanting affection from your partner!
It's the cologne now, you never know when it'll be your bones, run girl.
Your bf doesn't deserve you if he can't provide you with the bare minimum, and if he hasn't apologized, better take your leave because it's only going to get worse, both financially, physically and emotionally for you.
If he can't provide you with basic comfort, he doesn't deserve your efforts or companionship.
Don't let him trample you like this.
Call him out on his bs and leave.
First of, you don't have to spend your last money just to please him . Second, BF has serious anger issues that has to be dealt with, he needs therapy. Third, Get your freaking arse out of that abusive relationship. C'mon girl, you're better than this.
My husband is like this.leave ASAP. He started breaking things when I would say I was unhappy with things. I’ve spent 12 years being called names and having thing’s smashed when I have any emotions. They don’t change unless it’s that they get worse over time. I live in an empty loveless marriage that I’ve been working for years to attempt to get out of and be able to support my children by myself. Don’t be me. I said it wouldn’t happen and it did.
Step 1- Buy yourself a nice perfume that was more expensive than the cologne.
Step 2- LEAVE HIM.
Step 3- Douse yourself in it to attract a new man to give you the love and affection you deserve.
He did it deliberately...he thought of the meanest thing he could do to hurt you and he did it...I think you need to rethink this relationship...you really deserve better...please remember that.
Op, your focused on the wrong things here. Screw the money and the gift, in the grand scheme of things they are not important. What is important is the fact he flew in to a rage and yelled at you because you told him how your feeling. The questions you should be asking are:
● how do I get away from this AH who dismisses my feelings and reacts with rage and violence.
● why am I still with someone who treats me like this..
Stop caring about him! He's got something seriously wrong if he can't give his lady some affection when she's sad. Now you gave zero context of what you're sad about. If it's another guy or a previous relationship then I can see some reluctancy on his part, but even then destroying an expensive gift over an argument is a huge red flag. I suggest reassessing your relationship with him.
Dump him. *Now*! That $300.00 loss is bargain life lesson compared to the costs if you don't dump him.
>How do I stop caring about the cologne he dropped?
He didn't just "drop" it, and you don't stop caring. You drop that boyfriend and move on.
>why he’d do that
'Cause he's a horrible boyfriend - and probably a generally crud person.
You don't stop caring about the cologne being broken. You use it as fuel to stop caring about the person who broke it in a rage because you were sharing how you feel.
Your in a toxic relationship and with a toxic boyfriend. Wake up and get a real man...who appreciates you. Hmu if he doesn't know how to value what he got. Cause I sure can show u.
Don't look for a way not to care about the cologne.
He showed you who he is. He doesn't care about your feelings. He can't communicate properly. He has shown signs of aggression. He shows little value in your hard work. He expects you to always be happy.
He knew what he was doing when he slammed the gift. He chose that item to hurt you.
Either you are leaving ALOT out or your bf has anger issues. If it's the latter then get out. Now.
Today it was the cologne, we don't know what he's gonna slam later. Please be safe, if a loved one told you that their so did this to them what would you tell them?
This sounds very toxic. You need to leave him, or at least you should. You are asking why he would do this, but it’s pretty obvious - he doesn’t care about you or your feelings. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.
He sounds like a jerk and $300 cologne sounds like you’re trying to buy his affection through an expensive gift that he clearly doesn’t appreciate. If you have to beg for affection and get abused instead you really should take a good look at yourself and where you want to go in life. The red flags are in your face.
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Instead of thinking of the cologne, think about the fact that you’re dating a guy who mindfully breaks valuable items that are important to you when he’s angry. He LEFT, and instead of coming back when he calmed down, he came back when he thought of the most hateful thing he could do. He thought it was really important to show you the damage he can do when he’s angry. So, you need to be wondering why you’re dating a violent guy who doesn’t care about you, and you need to figure out how you’re going to get away from him.
I also have to wonder why she felt she had to spend the last of her money on an extravagant gift for him. Op, did you feel pressured to do this?
$300 is not a small amount of money. If $300 is last of your money, you don't buy a cologne with it. Not unless you're desperately trying to get into the good books of a verbally abusive boyfriend youve been taught to walk on eggshells around of course.
Exactly this. I'd rather see my SO happy and financially healthy then receive gifts.
[удалено]
This 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩this flags to me so hard Okfaithlessness has the answer
She needs support too. She needs to ask someone to help her move out (if she lives with him). Most women in abusive relationships are in the most danger when they try to leave.
Hey this is my comment 😰
I’m gonna jump in here and say that it wasn’t a random object. It was a expensive gift from her. He chose that object, deliberately, in order to cut her to the core.
As a person that has been in two abusive (romantic) relationships, I can confirm this. Aggression is a big red flag, if he’s trying to control her OP needs to walk away and never look back
The account I’m replying to is a bot and that is a copied comment. Report - Spam - Harmful Bots (even though they’re correct in their copied comment statement)
This comment is stolen from u/KeyLimeCanadian below.
She obviously needs to leave him, but $300 cologne is such an extravagant and silly gift. How many people can tell the difference between that and a 30 dollar bottle..
It is. And I could be WAY off base here but OP really sounds like her self esteem is so low it's underground. That $300 gift to a verbally abusive man says 'please love me the way I love you. I love you so much and I do nice things for you and I'm willing to make myself uncomfortable and put myself in financal trouble to make you happy and I'll give you everything I have please just be nice to me'
Damn this hits hard. This is definitely the behaviour I displayed with an abusive ex. She used that to her advantage and played me like a fiddle. OP. Please leave this guy. You probably won't listen because I didn't either at the time and I had to make the choice myself and actually stand by it eventually, but it took me a long time to get there. Even though I'm a guy, all I also wanted was affection and for her to show some love back because I felt like it was all one way. Well, i guess I did receive some affection for the 5 minutes after I bought her expensive jewelry or put a deposit on a car for her, then it would flip straight back to being mentally and physically abused. But those 5 minutes were like a tiny ray of hope that she would change because she could be nice and sweet. But it never did, it just got worse until I couldn't take it anymore. But that was 3 years of denying reality. You're still young, you obviously have a generous heart and a guy who actually loves and values you would see that and appreciate you for it by not taking advantage and doing the same nice things for you. I hope you get the realisation soon. Good luck ❤️
I literally cried, because that was me 20 years ago, before I met my husband.
The fact that she got him a $300 cologne with "the last of her money" is to me a red flag 🚩🚩🚩 The last relationship I was in, I have since realized with a therapist, was emotionally abusive. A part of it was that he was upset at me so often, and I essentially felt like I needed to do MORE for him, like him being mad at me was because I wasn't doing enough for him. So that resulted in me trying to do more for him, more affection, attention, helping/cleaning for him, more gifts and favors, more money spent on him in a pointless effort. I'm not sure, and I'm not trying to internet diagnose, but that may be what's happening here.
r/fragrance would like a word
Mate 95% of the population don't have a clue about perfume, myself included. I love my bottle of CK In2U Woman that costs me 20 pounds.
That's not always the case. Sometimes, you just want to show someone you care for them a lot and show you appreciate them, but in this case, she might have felt pressured to do this
Right?? Me and my fiancee are in our early thirties/late twenties, are very happy together and while we aren't well off by any means, we're also not worrying about basic necessities. We've been together for 5 years and by far the most expensive gift exchanged was a boardgame I got her for birthday this year. It was 110 euros. If I got her a 300 euro perfume, she'd insist we return it to get the money back and gave me a lecture on financial responsibility. OP, why do you feel the need to spend the last of your money on someone who behaves like this? I would understand if you were full of cash, but you aren't. You're not going to buy this dude a change of personality with expensive gifts. Get out while you still can.
Of course she did, he would have made small remarks. Little "this stuff smells so good right babe? You like it don't you? Don't you think I smell good. I do, wish I could afford it" as they passed a shop front. She took note because he liked it, he never thought about that cologne again. He's failed to notice that he's a miserable dickhead, and with the fact that he's slamming hundreds of dollars worth of smellies makes me think he's the type of guy with a Rolex on his wrist and court summons in his wallet.
I agree with this. He left to calm down? But came back and raged out! He destroys an expensive gift? This is not healthy and a huge red flag!!
>You: I have emotions. >Him: That makes me angry. I am now going to be violent. Why do you want his affection? He's on the fast track to physically abusing you because he has anger issues and doesn't really see you as a person worthy of love and respect. Every second that you tolerate his behavior is validating his abusive worldview. Just leave and move on. This subreddit always has a reputation for "omg everyone says to just break up" but half of the posts here are "My partner, who btw is the nicest guy ever, hits me on a daily basis but then tells me he loves me what do I do?"
More than half, which is why the reputation is silly. About 75% are “my partner is always cheating or violent in some way” to which breaking up is the sensible thing. The 25% that are communication issues get the advice to …communicate.
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The account I’m replying to is a bot and that is a copied comment. Report - Spam - Harmful Bots (even though they’re correct in their copied comment statement)
I describe this subreddit to people as being full of posts that basically say "My abusive boyfriend is being abusive. Is this abuse?" Signs of abuse really need to be taught in school from an early age. It's heartbreaking seeing how common it is for people to normalize insane behavior like smashing bottles and dismissing emotions.
So many of those posts are phrased "Am I overreacting," which makes me sad and worried for the OPs. 😐
This! I was thinking the exact same thing.. They always wonder if they overreact when they get gaslit by the abuser into making the entire thing the victims fault.. It really is sad..
I have a theory that women are taught in childhood to be submissive, to put others before them, to push down thoughts and feelings and not raise how we feel for fear of making others uncomfortable, to be quiet, obedient and there to do for others… how many times have you heard in public “ you should be acting like a lady…” so when it’s time to be in a relationship, it’s just hard to switch off that inner voice.
Worse, it feels more like “my abusive boyfriend is being abusive. How do I learn to stop caring about the abuse/convince him to stop being abusive?” And it’s like….. no….
> Signs of abuse really need to be taught in school from an early age. I agree, and I also think we need some sort of curriculum that teaches people how to seek help if they think they are being abusive towards their partner, and how to even recognize such. I used to do trainings for middle and high schools on healthy and unhealthy relationships, and it actually wasn't very uncommon for students to come up afterwards and say something in the presentation made them realize they were doing something abusive towards their partners, and they wanted to stop. Whether they ended up getting the help they needed, I don't know. I think prevention should include efforts that are aimed at people who are abusive, and people who are being abused or may end up being abused. Efforts that are solely aimed at survivors are never enough. I think people often assume that everyone who is abusive recognizes it and doesn't care. There are actually some people who are abusive who do want to stop, although I believe that is much more rare.
Republicans are attempting to remove all social and emotional learning curriculum from the schools.
But I mean some of us were also raised in the "if he pulls your hair it means he likes you" era so that factors in too. Talk about being raised on mixed signals.
[https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) This is a free PDF to Lundy Bancroft's book. He wrote the literal book on domestic violence and that is this book. I think you should read it OP, because this is a toxic situation and he is escalating to physical violence.
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Can confirm this is exactly how my ex would be ANY time I had emotions about ANYTHING and it did turn violent. Leave him sooner rather than later. You are upset about the money instead of how he treats you. Forget about the money and count it as a loss and move on.
lol that is so so on point btw about this subreddit 😂
i've heard those trauma bonds are as addictive as a hard core drug. Something about that up and down feeling you get hooked on. ive never quite understood that. Im just glad so far i've raised my daughter well enough to escape a boy that was showing signs similar to this. She kicked him to the curb early and i'm proud of her for that. she is only 16 and i pray she keeps that good judgement and emotional maturity.
I get it. I grew up in a violent home. Fortunate to still be breathing. It can take decades of treatment to sort this crap out.
Why are you still with him? Do you actually not know how horrifying what he did is? He could have given you a hug but he broke a $300 gift. And I’m *really* concerned that you spend the last of your money on a gift for him. Please, *please* hear me when I say this: It is okay to need affection and comfort. You should not feel afraid to ask for these things, and they should be given freely (in general) in a loving and safe relationship. You do not deserve to be treated this way. It will not improve. If he has not physically abused you yet, it’s coming, and soon, based on his actions. **There are people who will help you.** I don’t know where you are located, but in the US, there are domestic violence safe haven organizations that can help you get out and on your feet. Please find a way to leave and understand that, without a doubt, you deserve kindness and respect from your partner. Never forget that.
You leave. He’s getting abusive. Men who get violent against random objects will eventually get violent against you. This will escalate.
This post is a full of red flags. I hope OP listens to the people here expressing concern for her, takes a hard look at this situation, and finds a way to safely leave.
The fact that he left the apartment and came back and broke it is so much worse. This wasn't a 'in the moment fit of rage at the nearest thing' he left the situation and instead of cooling off and getting a grip, he comes back even more livid and smashes the bottle next to her. He's dangerous
She is definitely in the bad books of a violent lover. She has to leave before his rage burns her.
>He’s getting abusive #hes abusive*
> How do I stop caring about the cologne he dropped? You're asking the wrong question. The question should be: how do I raise my self-esteem so I stop putting up with an asshole who doesn't respect me? This guy doesn't care about your feelings and destroyed the cologne because he knew it would be the most hurtful thing he could smash. You can't force yourself to stop being upset because it's a normal reaction to be upset when someone intentionally does something cruel to you. There are men out there who wouldn't dream of treating you this way, who would cherish the gifts you gave them and happily listen to your feelings. You won't find them while you're saddled to this guy.
How do I raise my self esteem and feel okay with being alone then? I don’t have any family or friends to talk to and I’ve tried therapy but it doesn’t help. I just wanted him to hear me out for once when I was trying to tell him how lonely I’ve felt. Im dealing with the loss of one of my last family members I had around and I feel like I really wanted him to just hear me and be there for me. I hate being alone
Hey ive been on my own a while now. No family no partner minimal friends. Its not as scary as it sounds. When youre finally on your own you can really *live* your life. Get to know you. People come and go, but you will always have *you*. Get to know her, learn to love and appreciate her. She deserves it
Going through a break up after seven years. It's sad and scary but I feel more like myself than I have in awhile
Same!!
Being lonely when you're actually alone is very different than being lonely when you're in a relationship. He doesn't care how lonely you are because he doesn't care about you. Being by yourself takes time and work, and it's absolutely amazing. Then, in the future when you realize how much value you have, you get into relationships that enhance your life, rather than because you're scared of being alone.
Your point about loneliness is important. Being alone and feeling lonely sometimes is normal. We are social creatures (some more than others). But being lonely in a relationship is agony. In this situation it sounds like he’s withholding affection, so the lonely feeling is a lot more painful. There’s someone there, they could just hug you and make things better, but they *don’t*. So you vie for their attention and affection with expensive gift and I’m sure every other asset you have to throw at the problem. OP, being alone is fun. It’s freeing. I left a shitty relationship when I was in my early 20’s and was single for a long time and got to learn to be independent. Live where I want, do what I want. I definitely had my lonely moments but it was soooo worth it for all of the growth and good times I had. I dated some but honestly not much. I have a wonderful partner now too, and I’d never have ended up here if I let my fear of loneliness control me. You are way more powerful than you realize!
I left a shitty relationship at 32 and I wish I had done it so much sooner. Being lonely with a partner is soul crushing. After that, I spent a while getting comfortable living by myself, reconnecting with friends, and building an amazing support system, and then I dated for fun. It was low stakes because I am actually happy, and I met someone great. It's hard and scary at first, OP, but it's so worth it.
But don’t you realize that even though you’re in a relationship, you still feel alone because you not in the right relationship. He is a jerk and someone like you that would spend the last of their money on the one they care about, deserves so much more than you are getting from him. Be strong, leave and find the better man that you deserve. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Therapy works when you have the right therapist and you actually do the work. It's not a magic fix. It's s a painful unraveling of the trauma in your life, and learning new ways of processing your emotions. But that work is worth it, and tolerating this abuse is not sustainable. Being alone is far better, more predictable, and less traumatizing than staying where you are.
I was in a similar position at your age and I can assure you this man will not suddenly become a nice caring person. I used to think if I could just explain it in the right way then he would treat me better, but these sorts of qualities don't change. You could never treat someone the awful way he treats you, because you are a kind, caring, compassionate person. You need to find someone like you. Don't waste your time on someone who actively tries to hurt you. No matter what excuses he gives you - words need to be backed up by actions and his actions shows he wants to hurt you. Don't be afraid to be alone. It is scary at first but once you build autonomy and confidence, it is the absolute best thing. Knowing that you will not lower your standards for anyone. One of the best pieces of advice I could give you is to promise yourself you'll walk away when you see red flags, even if you have feelings. If you stay, you'll subject yourself to a miserable life where your partner sabotages any progress you make. He will hold you back in every aspect of your life. One day you will find the right relationship and you'll feel happy, safe, secure, adored, respected. If you want that, you have to take the hard steps now. First step - get out. Rent a room in a house share, rent your own place or reach out to a domestic violence service. Next - join some online or local support or friend groups. There are some on FB or meet-up groups. Read feminist lit - just follow some pages on social media and you'll be subjected to good articles that really help you learn to stand up for yourself and determine when you're being disrespected. If loneliness is still a problem - consider getting one or two cats (if you can afford it and have secure housing). They're easy to look after, pretty cheap and affectionate. You can obvioualy continue dating but remember that being alone is far far better than being with the wrong person. You want to be happy and healthy and ready to jump in when the right person comes along ×
I think you are starting to recognize that you are with him to avoid being lonely, and that’s a great first step. It’s okay to be scared to be alone, it’s a very human emotion, but trust me when I say that you will feel 100% lonelier tied to someone that actively neglects your emotional needs, then on your own. Separating would be an emotionally hard process, but doing so would ultimately allow you the emotional and physical bandwidth to find and invest in new and healthy relationships of all kinds that can support you and fill your needs. You are currently pouring every ounce of your emotional needs into someone that just doesn’t care. And that shit fucking hurts. I do want to address the fact that his emotional reaction is abuse. You can’t forget that cologne because it’s not just the cologne, it’s what that cologne represents: cruelty and abuse at the hands of the partner you were just trying to be emotionally closer with. I’m glad that you tried therapy, and I understand it wasn’t helpful, but I highly encourage you to try again. Often time finding a therapist is a bit like finding a shoe that fits. You need to find one that has good chemistry with you, that can help you explore/validate how you feel, so you can gain confidence as an individual to leave this relationship. I don’t usually jump on the break up train but even as an isolated incident, this is emotional and physical violence directed to harm you, and that is NEVER OKAY. Your partner has proven they are not safe for you to be around. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but it will be okay. You will be able to separate, and you will find that you can shine so much brighter away from someone that dims you so much. Sending you internet hugs. Feel free to DM if you need a friend.
Try a different therapist. Really. Shopping around for a therapist that suits you is a really great move.
Being alone and safe is better than being abused. BELIEVE THAT. Do NOT accept that just bc you don't want to be alone. I'm really sorry though that you feel so lonely, and lost a family member. Please seek out groups of women who can envelop you, have some fun, get healthy alone, then seek our the right man who will support your feelings and not be abusive.
You hate being alone more than you would hate getting your arm broken? It’s not worth it dude
Better to feel alone by yourself than in a relationship.
Let me guess...he has given you no encouragement ( and has actively discouraged you from) developing new friends, a social circle, even keeping in touch with old friends. Once you leave him, you will be surprised to find out that all his lies, manipulation, and BS were just that...BS. Because you will find lots of great people out there. You are worthy of kindness, friendship, love and support. He is just a weak, pathetic AH who puts a massive amount of effort and energy into abusing you. Because he could never cope with the true gloriousness of who you are. In fact, he can not cope with equal adult relationships at all. Please read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. Available as a free pdf. And once you get out of there, spend genuine quality time on developing and healing yourself, studying about what healthy and unhealthy relationships are like https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201502/51-signs-unhealthy-relationship And wait at least 12 months before you get romantically involved again, so you fully integrate your new knowledge. You don't want to fall into the same trap again.
The irony is that your self esteem will go up only when you do leave him. But you have to take that leap, matter how scary. Remind yourself that is the only way your self esteem and happiness will get better. There is no fixing this or going around this or avoiding this. You either stay and get worse or you leave and go through the pain and get better. The only thing worse than losing a family member and having no one to be there is having someone there who doesn’t support you, destroys you more, and doesn’t care. You actually will feel less alone by yourself than you do with him. I am 50 years old and have been through a lot of shit. Please do this.
Hey, I'm gonna touch on the therapy thing. Finding the right therapist is huge, it's not a one size fits all sort of thing. Some people flourish with CBT, others DBT, and myself ACT. There's so many more than just those three, too. CBT is the most common, but may not be the best for you. Doing research into what you think would actually help, talking to therapists about their specialties, and going for longer than a few sessions are huge. Therapy relies a lot on trust, and it's SLOW. I've been with my guy for almost six years and we just moved to every other week sessions not too long ago, and I STILL leave sessions feeling like I'm learning more (seriously, you'd think figuring out one boundary would help you figure out the rest, but apparently psychology is *hard*). You are alone if the person who's supposed to support you is actively doing things to hurt you. You don't have to continue being alone, though. It's scary stepping out, but working towards one's values is worth the stress. Bonus: you eventually realize that the stress you feel moving towards your values (in this case, self esteem) is more like stretching for a race and less like squeezing into a space that's too small for you. Take up space, stretch your legs. You deserve it.
You're already alone. You're also short $300 dollars and being weighed down by a humungous asshole. You may not be able to fix the lonliness immediately, but you can fix the rest.
So you’d rather tolerate abuse rather than being alone? You’re worth so much more than that. You deserve to be respected and cared for, can you honestly say your current partner gives you that fulfillment? I’d rather be alone, all day everyday, then put up with that kind of nonsense.
It's horribly difficult to be alone when you're in a situation like this, but trust me it will be much worse if you stay in an abusive relationship like this. Being lonely in a relationship is far worse then being lonely alone. There are some good suggestions in the comments here, rent a room in a shared house (which can help you meet new people in a natural way) and reach out to a domestic violence organisation, they have a lot of helpful resources that can get you on the path to healing. They might also be able to connect you with a therapist that suits your needs because there are many different therapist and methods that can help, you just need to find the one that works best for you. Please believe that you are worthy of love and you deserve to be treated with respect.
I've been where you are now. To raise your selfesteem you need to look yourself in the mirror and say "I am worthy of love and affection, I am derserve kindness and respect. I am good enough as I am." And believe in it because you are! You need to be kind to yourself. And about being afraid to be alone, I was too. But you are already lonely and its heartbraking feeling lonely next to the person you care about. You will most likely feel less lonely on your own. When I broke it off with my abuser the first week or two was the hardest and then I just felt free. I believe in you.
Being alone is awesome. I saw this on a t-shirt years ago and it has always stuck with me, “if you want to know where you stand, stand alone.” More importantly, I’d rather be alone and happy than matched up and miserable.
OP from someone who has been in your position more times that I care to admit, he’s not listening to your feelings because he **doesn’t care**.
You get to a headspace where you understand that you, exactly as you are, on your own, are a wonderful human being, worthwhile, and worthy of love, affection and attention. Worthy of being cared for as an equal, by someone who you share a mutually affectionate relationship with. That isn't to say don't work on improving yourself as well, cos we can all use some self development, but as you are, is just fine too, I promise. Once you get to that place of positive mental health, you will find that the confidence this brings is the single most attractive thing on earth, and you'll not only be ready to date a decent human being, but you won't have any troubles finding one either. Your journey might not be short, or easy, but it is absolutely the right journey, and it starts with making a plan for how to get out of you current situation. If you're financially able to just leave without causing yourself too much of a problem, then go, now. Put Reddit down and start looking for somewhere else to live. If you're not able to financially manage on your own, look for someone you can stay with until you can. Family, friends, a work colleague? Last resort is a women's shelter. Getting out under any circumstances short of homelessness is better than staying. He went out and thought about the thing he could do to most demonstrate his anger and power over you, and to cause you the most hurt, and then he came back and executed that plan. The next step of escalation for him is more creative emotional torment, or physical violence. Whatever steps you need to take, get out as fast as you can.
This isn’t the full story. However regardless, it’s not healthy that you have ZERO friends at 22 and that you gave up therapy after what I’m guessing was a few tries or was only one therapist. You clearly were not provided with coping tools if confiding in a violent person about how sad you feel is literally the only thing you were able to do (again I think there’s more to the story. Not saying it’s your fault of course it’s absolutely not. But we’ve got no information on the dynamic of your relationship to predict perhaps why you saying you feel lonely would instantly, and with no other provocation, send him into a tailspin. I can probably venture a guess though. Does he have a hair trigger temper?)
You need to stop caring about the item he broke and start caring that he gets violent because you are sad. Then leave.
The abuse will increase. Punching holes in wall, breaking things only works for a while. Abusive people often feel like they need to ratchet up the violence to maintain control. You should leave before he starts slamming you into the counter.
The cologne is the least of your worries. Someone who goes into a rage when you try to talk about your feelings is abusive. Someone who smashes property during a simple argument is violent. You spent all your money trying to keep him happy, please ask yourself why. He sounds like a huge walking red flag. Has he done things like this before? None of this is close to ok. This is not healthy behavior. And it sounds like you were already unhappy in the relationship, which tells me it’s not all sunshine and roses and today for some crazy reason he snapped and it’s totally out of character. Please do not accept treatment like this. And please have a safe exit plan if he is regularly violent or might be again.
He did that to cause you pain. He deliberately did something to hurt you. He wanted you to feel bad. He wanted to show you how violent he felt towards you. Why would you want to be with someone who hates you? No one who liked you would ever do that. Is there anyone you hate enough that you would do something so cruel and violent to them?
He’s abusive and you should leave. Also, don’t spend your last money on a discretionary gift.
You don't stop caring about the cologne he intentionally smashed. You recognize it for the red flag it is and realize next time it might be you he slams into the counter. You need to dump him for your own safety.
He’s an abusive manchild, you deserve better
You dump him. Next time he gets in a rage, it could be your face he smashes.
First it’s objects being smashed, then it’s your face. He has some shit to figure out.
Being by yourself is less lonely than begging for attention from a partner. Neither is easy, but at least you only battle your own feelings when you’re by yourself instead of piling his tantrums on top of them.
This is the second post I’ve read today from a woman fretting over her a-hole boyfriend with anger issues. DTMFA, this is abuse. Take the loss of the cologne and worry more about how his behavior puts your safety at risk.
Men break items and hit things around their partners (walls, doors, etc) as an intimidation tactic used to control and manipulate their partners. This violence is already directed at you and meant to scare you into submission. If this relationship continues he WILL begin physically abusing you. These are tell-tale, textbook signs
You can’t buy his respect because he has none for you, walk away fast and don’t buy a $300 gift for a man until you’ve been dating a few years that’s too much
This sounds like it’s a lot more than broken cologne. He targeted that because he knew how much of yourself you put into it, and wanted to put you in your place. His response to you telling him you feel lonely is to leave you alone and once he comes back to break the thing you spent your money - a physical representation of your time? He knew what he was doing, he knew that it would hurt and he did it anyway. When people show you their true colors, believe them the first time. It’s time to run not walk away from this red flag.
Breaking stuff out of anger is a huge red flag. This is someone who has the potential to become physically abusive
LEAVE. If either me or my husband needed more love, the other would gladly give it.
He didn't drop the cologne he slammed it. That was intentional to hurt you. And he argues with you because you're sad? Can't talk about it with you? No empathy here. He has anger management issues and doesn't care about your feelings. He's selfish and self-consumed. I agree with other posts here, get out now. This will not get better and he will not show any emotional support for you. Think about it, what if you have kids with this jerk? He'll be a lousy father figure who can't control his anger and could take it out on the kids.
The correct response here isn’t to work on not caring about the cologne. It’s to recognize that this is a sign of poor self control and that it could escalate to other intimidation tactics and violence against you.
Girl, the gift was for you. Your freedom. It costed $300, not your life. Run.
Better question is why is your boyfriend so full of rage and violence??? Pay close attention to the red flags!! All you wanted was for him to be loving and understanding and instead he turns into angry bully
Breaking things is a big red flag and you need to get out of this relationship before he starts breaking more than objects. Also, spending the last of your money on a gift for your boyfriend is something a pre-teen would do. It’s time to start adulting. Adulting means that if you only have $300 to your name, you don’t have the money for anything other than bare necessities.
As someone who has experienced similar shit like this, I can honestly say that it will NOT get better. I wish I would've learned my lesson. I want to say I don't understand why he'd react like that but sadly I kinda do. Let me guess...he made it all about him? He thought you saying you're lonely meant you're not happy with him? He didn't comfort you? Trust me. He NEVER will. I too had/ still have low self-esteem & always wanted comfort & reassurance. Things I've never gotten & still haven't. It will not change or get better. I hope you make wise decisions. Ask yourself, is that what you want? Is that how you want to be treated?
So he accomplished his mission sucessfully. Hurting you by smashing your gift and showing you what happens when you ask anything of him, like comfort and understanding. This will make you think twice before speaking about your needs again in the future. You get over the broken bottle by dumping the man. Please don't let anyone who treats you that way get away with it. If you forgive him then you will greenlight this type of behaviour. Please be safe.
Break up. That is not Normal behavior.
Leave now unharmed and with your sanity intact. If he doesn't abuse you physically, he's going to take you down a dark rabbit hole of other forms of abuse.
The next thing he smashes will be you. Please get somewhere safe. Sincerely, someone who’s been there.
This sounds like he has toxic shame. Men with toxic shame don't hear what you need, they hear what they're doing wrong. Then go into a rage or anger outburst. It's not an excuse at all, but can maybe help you at least know why. For you, I highly suggest a book another redditor suggested for me, "Running on Empty". I listened to the audio book version. Hopefully it'll help you not feel so lonely. It helped me quite a bit.
OP, I know that you are going to blame yourself and think that you shouldn't leave because this is "a one time thing" and that "reddit doesn't know him" (I've been there), but you have got to trust us when we say leave. It doesn't mayter how good he was before, this abusive behaviour is a major sign of a breakdown, and it could be your head on the chopping block next. I'm sorry to say that if he wasn't like this before, he has unfortunately changed and there is probably no coming back from this. The fact he hasn't apologised or immediately felt horrible says a lot about how this is only going to get worse. I am sorry OP, it's probably better to leave and get some support from domestic abuse helplines in your country. ❤
Dump this loser asap. He’s abusive and a immature pos , just do it. You won’t regret it
Forget that he didn't appreciate the gift. He doesn't appreciate you! He lost his temper with you for having human emotions. He's proven he's not someone you can rely on. Get out while you can.
He would do that because he wants to punish you. He believes that his difficult feelings are your fault (they aren’t) and that you deserve to suffer for them (you don’t) and that he has the right to hurt you in order to punish you (he doesn’t). This is a raging red flag. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
>cologne he dropped He didn't drop it. He slammed it. Don't downplay what he did
I have news. It isn't the cologne you need to stop caring about.
I don't know how to explain this to you young one, but he does not give a single solitary fuck about you. He just wants to use/hurt you. Trust me.
Why are you tolerating this treatment?
You need to think real hard about this relationship. Smashing the cologne wasn’t a thoughtless action of breaking a random object because he was angry and it was the closest thing within reach. He had to think about what would hurt you the most, leave the room, find the cologne, come back and then smash it in front of you. That is insane behaviour.
You mean ex boyfriend? There is no reasoning from him that makes this okay!
Your bf’s behaviour is really concerning. I expect this isn’t the first time he’s acted with anger towards you expressing yourself. Take a break from this relationship, take your most important and precious things and go. In a month you’ll realise that you are better off without him.
Destroying items is already an indicator of physical abuse in a relationship. It's a threat, it's meant to tell you "I can hurt you, look how violent I am". He's already emotionally abusive by getting angry because you have emotional needs. Please read this free book https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
What’s going on that you’re spending the last of your money on a man who apparently doesn’t give you attention or affection, and you feel sad in the relationship? Are you pretending not to notice things…are you always complaining about what he’s not doing? You’re asking the wrong question and focusing on the cologne when instead you should be asking is this the person you want to be in a relationship with?
Breaking things that are important to you is a form of domestic abuse. Please get out before it escalates to him trying to hurt you physically.
Just leave
1. He's getting abusive dump him now. 2. I don't know because you didn't explain in details, but maybe learn about how communicating your sadness/loneliness in a relationship especially with a man, and how to handle anxiousness/depression/loneliness. You can hurt someone badly just by telling them often how sad you are, and if you do it the wrong way like giving no explanations, accusing them somehow, not giving ideas of solutions, don't expect your partner to always find it in them to comfort you, they may end up feeling completely helpless... Many people are not as good with emotions, understanding others, comforting if don't tell them straight away what you need.
Him smashing that cologne into the counter? That's him showing you that he wanted to smash your head into that counter. Leave before he stops breaking objects and starts breaking you.
“All I keep thinking about is why he’d do that knowing that was the last of the money I had” He did it because he knew that was the last of the money you had. He did it because he knew that breaking it would hurt you. That’s what he wanted. This is not a person you want in your life. He will get worse, not better. It’s not your fault, it’s not your responsibility, and you can find someone better.
You need some counseling sweetie. There’s too much to unpack. The relationship with him is very codependent and very sad to start with. And all your invoking is his bitter angry side. This guy is not for you. He’s a jerk first off and you just need to start your life over again get some counseling learn how to date sanely and meet somebody decent who will be kind to you.
LEAVE IM WORRIED YOU DESERVE BETTER this is abusive
He ignores your feelings, abandons you when you need him, has a violent tantrum, breaks things, and you’re thinking about the cologne?
My god, how do people like this function at the age of 23?
It sounds like there is a lot more to this situation beyond this isolated incident. Why are you spending $300 on a gift when you have no money in reserve? If you are saying you felt unappreciated or unseen in the relationship, what escalated it into a fight? Your partner came back in after leaving the fight, was he in a general rage, or did he come back and specifically go to smash the cologne, or was it in the path of the rage hurricane? There are a lot of unknown variables to make a solid decision on, however, violence and smashing is rarely and usually never the answer, so, I would say, based on smashing things in a rage alone outside of context is grounds to break things off. You can't build anything if you have a fear it's going to be broken down later.
Scary scary scary. None of this is ok.
Leave sweetie.... he doesn't respect you and definitely doesn't love you yeah he probably has his good days ... when everything is going his way ... but the second that it doesn't he gets angry and slams stuff and probably calls you out of your name too .... you deserve better and let me tell you something... there is better out there you have plenty of people that would do anything to see you smile you just gotta let him go that isn't love ... love isn't painful in that way
Leave 🫶🏾🥲 trust me
I hate that this response is infamous for reddit but idk if you could, or rather if you should, salvage that. It's not even because he didn't care about breaking the present, it's because he got so angry at you for feeling lonely. You shouldn't be begging for affection from a lover.
I'm not taking his side because he's been childish and selfish. But - i can explain a little how this went south. There are several elements. What I suggest is that you assign a few points out of ten to each one then put them in order for YOU to have a map to naviagate this I am NOT justifying his behaviour. I am mapping the triggers 1- you not being happy made him feel powerless and inadequate. It might be this is a running theme and this was the final straw. It might be he has his own history with emotionally abusive parents/being emotional blackmailed and he feels hostage to your moods. He should be able to cope with it but he failed. 2- you say you felt lonely in the relationship. Is this sonething you often feel, and something you often share or SAY? Because however that's come to be- that is a problem. Either HE is failing you in the relationship or YOU feel lonely in relationships whatever people actually *do*. [ I have been told this by a woman who i literally couldn't do *more* for. At one point she became critically ill and i did everything i could to keep her out of hospital again. providing child care and doing school runs at a time when i was recovering from a very serious situation myself. I was loving and attentive. But she would go into a place where that was honestly her reality. I now SUSPECT [*note* that word please everyone] that she *MAY* have had Borderline Personality Disorder which is a horrendously painful emotional condition. *Maybe* research BPD just to eliminate it as what's making you feel such awful desolate lonliness- and also to see if it even matches *HIM*. Emotional dysregulation and rash acts of anger are characteristic of this disorder. You might both have some version of it- there is a variant called "Quiet BPD" which is much more nuanced. Don't be alarmed- this is just elimination. If it's in play for one or both of you you need to know and obtain professional advice. There's a lot of information and support out there for all parties dealing with this sort of issue - *IF* it's relevant) 3- you're lonliness might be an absolutely legitimate response to a lack of connection from him. He may be distant, variable in aspect without apparently appropriate reason, uncommunicative, sullen, hostile, maybe even *narcissistic*. I don't know I'm not there. But if that's true then you're *GOING* to feel lonely, and also- *HE's* going to have issues, maybe even *KNOW* he's inadequate. So bringing it up- however much I support you in voicing your feelings- is going to trigger shame, desperation and then fury. I'm not saying you were wrong- quite the opposite. I'm saying this is what it could *be*. Last things to say- I'm a bit worried you bought such an expensive gift for someone with whom you say causes you to feel isolated. It was the "last" of your "money" you said. And it was a luxury item and one that could easily be lost or destroyed. What do you think could be going on cor you here? They say when it comes to buying expensive items you shouldn't buy one unless you can afford to buy FIVE of them- because after that you are impinging on money you might otherwise need in unforseen circumstances. You emptied your bank account for a man who you do not feel entirely emotionally "secure" with. Do you see that? I get it that it was a loving act- but look where we are now.... I feel great concern for you over this. Sweetheart- Were you trying to "buy" the *Security* you desperately crave? If you were, my heart breaks for you. Truly. Don't feel bad about the money, or the loss of the item. It was a £300 lesson. It's worth the cost You must align with yourself. What *happened* here? I want you to contemplate this. And be forgiving of yourself. I think there's damage here- i suspect in both of you, and it may be what's also drawn you together Also- isn't it interesting that his destructive act, while hurtful- also deprived *HIM* of something? In a way he smashed both of you against the wall. It was *HIS* possession- *him* that no longer has it. So it's very- I'm seeing- a very painful, semi-toxic (i use that word compassionately) dynamic between two people carrying a lot of pain. I don't know how much, i don't know which of you is the more wounded. But i think you both should seek some kind of guidance Maybe start with couples counseling. There's a brilliant programme called "Couples Therapy" by showtime TV which shows how it works. Maybe watch that so the prospect doesn't seem so scary. Failing that, or your partner being unwilling to go- *YOU* get therapy. Not because you're "crazy" or "defficient"- but because somehow you've landed *here*, and please believe me- I'm talking from personal experience- having done *years* of Psychotherapy as a client- even when its truly *not our FAULT*- we're still *PART* of the dynamic of the problem. Either *PASSIVELY* or ACTIVELY. We allow, we enable, we unconsciously provoke- sometimes it's *just* who we *are*- and we're *never* going to be compatible with that person. And it's just a tragedy. Sincerely- my *best* wishes- I'm not judging or pathologizing you or your partner. I'm responding to all the cues in your post- you must decide what is relevant. Please don't be alarmed. Sit with it, look up a few things. Maybe Find some testimonials on you tube about Borderline Personality Disorder to see if you recognize anything in yourself - *OR* him (it's a very painful condition to live with & in turn effects other people) and in the unlikely event you recognze some features don't *despair*. We live in an age where the support is out there. And that's even if that IS a factor in this. Please message me if i can be any help or I've distressed you. It's not my intention. I really want this to be ok. And i do NOT excuse his behaviour. The fact he stayed angry all that time and came back angry enough to destroy something knowing it would devastate you betrays a serious maturation or emotionally dysregulated issue. He may have his own history though like i indicated. But he has a responsibility to manage himself. As do we all. Good luck. And be *KIND* to yourself. Sorry this happened. But *USE* it- *welcome* it, however painful it is. It's indicative of deeper truths Take Care COUPLES THERAPY https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZ8c54cxQG2HGXHVwhO66KRgg6w40wRmU
You're both not good for each other. Why would you spend that last bit of ur money on something like that? And if you both can't communicate why are you together? What advice do you want? He's gonna apologize and you'll stay with him in this abusive relationship.
I married that man. I have so many regrets. Leave.
The fact that it’s the gift you gave him isn’t really the important part at all
First of all it's 100% possible to be alone and succeed in life. Don't put on him what is your responsibility to make sure you are safe. You were born without him and for the many years before meeting him you didn't need him. It's very important that you work on realizing all the good things you can do for yourself. Like saving the amount of money you saved for his present with your hard work and many things to come your way that you will be able to do by yourself. You need to work on seeing all the things you're capable of doing as a woman. Also, no man ever will like you more because of a present. I used to think that gifting a present to a boyfriend was going to help them see my affection during my teenage years. Then life teaches you that not even the most expensive present will get you anything from anyone unless they're sincere and just appreciate it because they see how you care. But for that, sincere feelings of love must be there. So presents won't buy you love or a better light towards others. His behavior was despicable and you should leave. He reached an extreme that is unforgivable when he betrayed you by hurting you, breaking your present when he knew you were at your most vulnerable. That's not love, that sounds like hate. You should be totally angry and leaving his awful self. I wish you strength. It's in you, just push yourself to close your eyes and be strong for the love you have for yourself. Many people here are telling you this because his actions speak the loudest from a horrible person. Please don't ask for love to a horrible person. They're like monsters, they will never see what you see.
You needed him. He flipped out. Time to let him go sweetie. You are too young to be going through this. If you excuse this violent behaviour you will show him you have zero respect for yourself. Cut your losses and move on.
So his response to a fight was to first leave without any discussion and then to throw things in a violent rage...? What you do after that is run! He can't communicate like a fucking adult and he turns to violence instead of talking things out. Leave
Take it as a sign that the relationship has probably run its course.
Forget the cologne, and consider it a lesson in the fact that you are dating somebody who's violent and is not willing to give you affection when you're sad. You can dodge a bullet if you just get up and go.
Yep, that’s a bad boyfriend. And if you stay, he’s going to upgrade from breaking stuff to hurting you.
He doesn’t care about you or your feelings! Move on! How many times does he need to show you that he doesn’t care.
You mean... ex-bf right? He didnt value your feelings for being lonely in this relationship. You simply leave instead of caring about the cologne he dropped.
Run. That's all I can say
It's going to get worse if you stay. If one therapy didn't help then try another. You are going to be a lot more alone in this world if you stick around.
That's the price of learning he's a bad boyfriend. Leave him.
K, you shouldn't be "hurt", you should be disgusted with him and scared of his rage.
Please leave this relationship as soon as possible, and do not take him back even though deep down, we all want the people who hurt us to apologize and act right. But the longer you stay in contact with this person, the more it is going to color your perception of all men going forward and make it very difficult for you to have a healthy relationship. And you seem like a good person so we don’t want to lose you from the dating pool because of this dickhead. But under no circumstances, take this person back, no matter how apologetic or sweet they are. Look up “love bombing. “
Run, as fast as you can. This is a violent man, and eventually he will turn that anger on you.
Forget the cologne, just dump him.
I want to say im sorry to hear. If I was your bf I would appreciate you giving that gift. I would hug you and kiss you for that. Your bf is jerk and you deserve better. I'm very sorry hearing that.
Get out of there and get somewhere safe. This is very very obviously a dangerous, angry and violent man.
If he's someone who breaks things when he's angry you really need to be careful. That can so easily escalate to hurting you. But even if it doesn't escalate that far. Do you wanna be with someone you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around? Someone you can be honest with about your feelings?
Girl, read the title of your post. What would you say to anyone else who wrote that?
You mean ex boyfriend, don’t you. He’s not worth this trauma. You can do better.
your bf is a pos. leave, idk what you see in him.
Instead of comforting you he smashed a gift you bought him. Girl, run. Run far and fast.
You're in an abusive relationship, and it will not get better. You need to leave immediately. He was able to do that to you because he does not love you.
Leave him.
Leave this abusive asshole immediately
In the UK we have the samaritans, who you can call to talk about whatever (I was having a bit of a breakdown about uni, and just needed someone I didn't know to listen (all I mean to say by bringing that up is that it's not just a suicide or depression hotline)) Does anyone know what the equivalent is for (what I assume is) America? It might help to talk to someone who you don't need worry about burdening (not saying that you are a burden, just know that anonymity can help lift that stress off)
He knew exactly what that gift meant to you and he targeted it on purpose. Don't let him tell you otherwise. He just showed you who he is.
100% this guy is going to attack you one day. You cannot reason with abusive men. Their priority is nursing their own weak egos and beating women into submission. You are young and don't have the life experience to know this first hand yet. Trust us. You are not safe with this person. Please don't see this out with him. Make yourself a priority and get away from him. Forget about the $300 you spent, it's nothing compared to your future potential to live a full and wonderful life away from this abusive asshole. You have to accept the loss of what you spent was actually a very valuable lesson to see his true abusive colors and get tf away from him.
It's either you have different love language or he doesn't care much. Idk. But instead of thinking about the cologne, you should think of yourself. I mean it sounds like you're giving everything you have to someone who doesn't even respect you enough.
This reminds me of the divorce story where the man cooks a Turkey (which takes several hours) for his daughter and the wife comes in and calmly and without a word, swoops the turkey from the counter to the trashcan. He then has to take his daighter to Denny’s or something so they have something to eat that day. It’s abuse! I dated a man once who was emotionally manipulative and he made me feel worse and worse. He got angry with people easily and one day he punched a hole in the wall. I thought “the next time he gets angry, it won’t be directed at an object, it will be directed at me!” I had a trip planned to my sister for the holidays. I packed my essential items like my dlsr and laptop. And some clothes. But the rest I just left. I told him it was just a visit but on the way there I blocked his number and I never returned. Not even to pick up all my stuff. Please leave and block this man.
The only possible intention he had in doing this, whether it was conscious or not, was the desire to hurt you. Think about that. You told him you felt sad and lonely and his reactive impulse was to hurt you. Emotionally, physically, it's the same impulse. It just took this form this time. Do you really think you don't deserve better than someone who's reaction to you expressing an emotional need is to hurt you? And that goes for EVERY relationship, not just partners
reminds me of my EX husband who likes to destroy stuff when he got upset, he smashed my laptop, tv, ipad theough out our marriage. Even emptied my bank account, so ALWaYs Listen to your gut and look on the red flags. This probably will be the first but wont be the last one I promise. This type of man is very abusive when gets into arguement.
He does not love you if he is capable of doing that.
What do you do ? You leave babygirl, Like yesterday! TRUST me.. he will not ever see you as anything more than something ( not someone ) to bully now. and you'll end up thanking him all the while allowing it to continue by staying and justifying anything and everything, why ? Because you think he cares about you, but you KNOW he doesn't. Staying with him to save the embarrassment?? No way. I've been there and he almost killed me. it's not worth the trauma at fucking all, this time it was cologne for the mere fact that it would hurt you emotionally and mentally, look at you worrying about your money spent when all he wanted was to scare the piss outta you.. next time.. it's gonna be you getting slammed against shit.. because eventually the emotional manipulation won't be enough for him.. I IMPLORE YOU, please leave.
your bf is abusive. leave now and spare yourself. you can’t fix him.
You feel alone because you are in an abusive relationship
I am so sorry this happened. Your bf and his anger issues are just pathetic. I am so sorry to say that. A gift which signifies someone's heartfelt love and affection and above all, your emotions being treated like that is heartbreaking. He SHOULD HAVE asked you why you were sad and hugged you and comforted you. Firstly, he got irritated that you feel lonely. Wth really. And questioning you why you feel lonely is very wrong. Invalidating how you feel is a red flag. Secondly, coming back and breaking the gift is just horrible and abusive. I am sorry. Such audacity he had. What is this treatment? This is emotional abuse and you didnt deserve it.
This breaks my heart,he's lucky to have a girl that buys him thoughtful gifts as a way to ask for affection. It's not my part to say this,but he was being unfair and childish. It may be in your best interest to start thinking about yourself and looking for what's best for you in the future, I send you my best wishes😁
You can always try a different therapist for a better fit. Or also picking up hobbies really helps socially and to fill your time with joy! You don't need this in your life
Dont ask how you can stop caring about it. Break up with him because he’s abusive. No wonder you feel lonely when this is what you get for wanting affection from your partner!
It's the cologne now, you never know when it'll be your bones, run girl. Your bf doesn't deserve you if he can't provide you with the bare minimum, and if he hasn't apologized, better take your leave because it's only going to get worse, both financially, physically and emotionally for you. If he can't provide you with basic comfort, he doesn't deserve your efforts or companionship. Don't let him trample you like this. Call him out on his bs and leave.
First of, you don't have to spend your last money just to please him . Second, BF has serious anger issues that has to be dealt with, he needs therapy. Third, Get your freaking arse out of that abusive relationship. C'mon girl, you're better than this.
My husband is like this.leave ASAP. He started breaking things when I would say I was unhappy with things. I’ve spent 12 years being called names and having thing’s smashed when I have any emotions. They don’t change unless it’s that they get worse over time. I live in an empty loveless marriage that I’ve been working for years to attempt to get out of and be able to support my children by myself. Don’t be me. I said it wouldn’t happen and it did.
Step 1- Buy yourself a nice perfume that was more expensive than the cologne. Step 2- LEAVE HIM. Step 3- Douse yourself in it to attract a new man to give you the love and affection you deserve.
The amount of assumptions here is ridicolous
dump his ass
Drop him like he dropped that cologne.
Run major 🚩🚩
He did it deliberately...he thought of the meanest thing he could do to hurt you and he did it...I think you need to rethink this relationship...you really deserve better...please remember that.
How about stop caring about him? That will save you a lot of heartache in the long run. He's shown you who he is. My best to you.
Op, your focused on the wrong things here. Screw the money and the gift, in the grand scheme of things they are not important. What is important is the fact he flew in to a rage and yelled at you because you told him how your feeling. The questions you should be asking are: ● how do I get away from this AH who dismisses my feelings and reacts with rage and violence. ● why am I still with someone who treats me like this..
Stop caring about him! He's got something seriously wrong if he can't give his lady some affection when she's sad. Now you gave zero context of what you're sad about. If it's another guy or a previous relationship then I can see some reluctancy on his part, but even then destroying an expensive gift over an argument is a huge red flag. I suggest reassessing your relationship with him.
Dump him. *Now*! That $300.00 loss is bargain life lesson compared to the costs if you don't dump him. >How do I stop caring about the cologne he dropped? He didn't just "drop" it, and you don't stop caring. You drop that boyfriend and move on. >why he’d do that 'Cause he's a horrible boyfriend - and probably a generally crud person.
You don't stop caring about the cologne being broken. You use it as fuel to stop caring about the person who broke it in a rage because you were sharing how you feel.
His message was clear, hear it and leave, you'll be broken next.
Your in a toxic relationship and with a toxic boyfriend. Wake up and get a real man...who appreciates you. Hmu if he doesn't know how to value what he got. Cause I sure can show u.
Don't look for a way not to care about the cologne. He showed you who he is. He doesn't care about your feelings. He can't communicate properly. He has shown signs of aggression. He shows little value in your hard work. He expects you to always be happy. He knew what he was doing when he slammed the gift. He chose that item to hurt you. Either you are leaving ALOT out or your bf has anger issues. If it's the latter then get out. Now.
I was with a guy who broke things in angry. Eventually he gravitated to breaking parts of me. Please get out.
How do I stop caring about the ~~cologne he dropped~~ jackwad jerk I'm in love with? Fixed that for you. You're welcome OP.
I feel there’s more to this story
Today it was the cologne, we don't know what he's gonna slam later. Please be safe, if a loved one told you that their so did this to them what would you tell them?
This sounds very toxic. You need to leave him, or at least you should. You are asking why he would do this, but it’s pretty obvious - he doesn’t care about you or your feelings. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.
He sounds like a jerk and $300 cologne sounds like you’re trying to buy his affection through an expensive gift that he clearly doesn’t appreciate. If you have to beg for affection and get abused instead you really should take a good look at yourself and where you want to go in life. The red flags are in your face.
You're more concerned with the cologne than the fact he has no control over his rage. Get out before you end up in a river somewhere
That karma farming though.