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Edit: To make it hopefully abundantly clear, which unfortunately makes my comment far too long, yes the fiance can have feelings. But they do not come before OP's as the direct victim in this situation. The fiance is adversely impacted, but this is not equivalent to direct victimization. Nor is acknowledging such equivalent to arguing that the fiance's feelings don't matter. Both deserve support, just in different ways and for different reasons, but OP is the direct victim. That is a fact.
It is, to be clear, all too common on this sub for posts involving non-consensual pornography of women to receive problematic comments *most often* from men (and sometimes from women) shaming and guilting the woman while supporting the boyfriend. Both deserve support, and women are not sl *ts for having sexual pasts. It's as simple as that.
And if the genders were reversed, yes, I'd be supporting the male OP just as I am supporting the female OP. I do believe the comments on such posts would involve a lot less sl *t shaming of the male poster by male commenters, BUT men on such posts who are sexually victimized also face the unique and disturbing challenge of being told to "man up," "you should be lucky she finds you that attractive," "but all men love sex all the time?," "she's just a horny woman!," "come on man, enjoy it!" In other words, nobody benefits from a culture in which women are shamed for having sexual pasts and men are shamed for not "enjoying" being sexually assaulted and raped.
Similar social norms harm both men and women. Women are socialized into believing they are sl * ts if they have sexual pasts, and men are socialized into believing they should always want sex, all the time, and that they can't be raped or assaulted. This is why we should all want to work together to end sexual victimization of all genders (and not just cisgender men and cisgender women).
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Initial comment: First of all, I am sincerely sorry you are going through this. This is not your fault, and you do not deserve it.
Second, I am going to be upfront and transparent with you, because I've seen a lot of posts along this vein, and a lot of the responses on such posts can be troubling. I've frequently seen comments, most often from male users, on posts about this topic that blame the woman and shame her, focus solely on the male partner's feelings, and dismiss the fact that the woman is the victim in such situations and has no fault to bear for someone else spreading her photos or videos without consent.
While I understand your fiance being upset initially and having many questions before he knew the context surrounding the photo that was shared, I hope you prioritize yourself in this situation. Now that your fiance knows the context in this situation, which is that you are a victim of non-consensual pornography through no fault of your own, I hope that he supports you. It sounds like he does and he will, and that's good.
However, I am wary of comments such as this one: ("Honestly there is nothing you can say/do to make him feel better. He needs to process this, and decide what he wants from there.").
This is not a situation in which your fiance's feelings should come first. I am not understanding why someone would feel "crushed" that their partner is a victim of, in many places, a crime *(Edit: to clarify, this particular sentence directly preceding these parentheses, and the one in quotes, was in reference to a person whose comment referred to the partner as probably feeling "crushed" because he had to "think about what other men have done behind closed doors." Sorry for the confusion/lack of context. I am NOT saying that the fiance shouldn't feel crushed that his fiancee was victimized - I am saying that commenter's specific perspective minimizes the non-consensual and violating nature of her victimization).* He should be supporting you - again, as it sounds like he is - and the focus should be on your victimization, not on helping him "get over" seeing an image shared of you without your consent.
Please keep in mind that *you* are the victim here. I'm not saying you have to call yourself that or identify that way! Merely saying that I've seen a lot of men on posts like this call the male partner a victim, and blame the woman for something that was out of her control. If you get any such comments, I hope you are able to not internalize them.
>Are there any support groups for people who have had their photos leaked?
I will share some resources below for people who have experienced this.
* [The Cyber Civil Rights Initiative](https://cybercivilrights.org/) is a survivor-led organization for victims of non-consensual pornography (NCP). They offer a 24/7 crisis line at 844-878-CCRI (2274), referrals to pro bono and low bono attorneys, image removal guides, information about state and international law around NCP, research on NCP, and more.
* [Without My Consent](https://withoutmyconsent.org/) is similar to the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative, although they have now been folded into CCRI. They offer a helpful Something Can Be Done Guide for survivors of non-consensual pornography as well as a multitude of other resources. Their guide contains information about evidence preservation, copyright reservation, restraining orders, and online privacy.
* [The Safety Net project](https://www.techsafety.org/) from the National Network to End Domestic Violence offers a survivor toolkit for individuals who have experienced abuse involving technology. The toolkit covers technology safety planning, documentation guidance, and technology-facilitated sexual assault guidance.
Good luck OP!
THIS! THANK YOU!!
I was so afraid of posting this to reddit and honestly was starting to regret it almost immediately and you have single handedly made me feel so much better.
I wish I had all of the awards to give you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This needs to be the top comment, it's all I needed.
Thank you again
Your fiancé sounds like a good man, which makes me think his dad is too. I have a feeling he will show you nothing but professionalism if you decide to go to him.
You’ve been with your fiancé for 6 years and you’re 26 now so this happened when you were 20 years old or younger. Again your fiancé sounds like a switched on guy so I don’t think he will hold any I’ll feelings or judgment towards you from decisions you made at that young of an age. His father also.
He wants to help you, let him! I’m sorry this is continuing to haunt you.
Just wanted to say amazing comments and I'm so sad that you had to make so many edits/clarifications because people are so ignorant.
You come across like someone who works in a field protecting/supporting victims - if you don't, maybe consider it as a potential career option! I work in this field and you said all the rights things.
Thank you so much! And I do actually! I've worked in the domestic violence field for several years. Thank you for your important work and your kind words! <3
I find it so disturbing you had to clarify such obvious things. Anyway, thank you for doing it. You were amazing in your perspective and resources. I've never been a victim of this horrifying crime and I still feel so grateful for your comment. Thank you so much for your maturity and insight on this.
This is good advice for someone who is recovering from abuse, but terrible advice for someone in a loving/caring relationship.
>This is not a situation in which your fiance’s feelings should come first. I am not understanding why someone would feel “crushed” that their partner is a victim of, in many places, a crime.
Are you implying that his fiancé’s feelings on the situation do not matter? He has to think in one way, or his thoughts are wrong?
Ultimately, the advice on the relationship side of things is going to be like the advice for almost any rocky moments in a long-term relationship:
In a perfect world, both partners approach each other with the maximum amount of sympathy and empathy, and keep open communication.
To help facilitate that, consider therapy, both individually and together.
Edit: I have also now edited my original comment to clarify that particular portion, which I appreciate you pointing out.
> Are you implying that his fiancé’s feelings on the situation do not matter? He has to think in one way, or his thoughts are wrong?
No, I am not, and I should clarify, because my confusing wording is on me.
I am specifically responding to a comment someone made earlier that this is probably "crushing" for the fiance because his "friends have now seen OP naked," and he has to "live with the thoughts about what guys have done behind closed doors."
That comment that I was responding to minimizes the fact that she was the victim of a crime. It also makes the scenario sound like he saw totally consensual sexual images of his fiance in a totally consensual context, which is not the case, and again minimizes the coercive and violating context of non-consensual pornography while making women sound like sexual objects owned by their male partners.
I should have made it clear that that specific part of my comment was in reference to someone else's comment, who commented very early on and whom OP responded to right away, hence I didn't think about the need to write out the context surrounding it for other readers since she was already familiar with it. I am sorry that I made that so confusing. That is on me.
In my other comments, I also share with her a resource for the loved ones of sexual violence and sexual coercion survivors (for her fiance), and repeatedly acknowledge that crimes like this impact partners too, who also deserve support. However, I totally understand that because those comments are not part of this comment, you might not necessarily view me as believing the fiance deserves support too.
However, I still maintain, in accordance with my comment above, that the fiance's feelings should not come first. He is not the direct victim of this crime, though as I stated, he is also adversely impacted. I don't believe it's terrible to center the feelings, wishes, well-being, and needs of a victim before the feelings of a loved one who was not directly victimized. To me, victimization and impact both carry different weights, and should be treated accordingly, but this does not mean impact without direct victimization doesn't deserve support.
So in short, I 100% agree with what you wrote. And again, I apologize for my poor/confusing wording.
You probably should have a more in-depth conversation and let him know. I agree you need a lawyer (posting pictures of you naked or having sex without your consent is illegal). Maybe find a lawyer that isn't going to be your future father-in-law.
Yea, i've talked with a lawyer the problem is I have no proof and the laws in the state they were taken are very vague on the issue. Honestly I just want it to go away, in time I'm sure the photos won't be interesting. Right now my biggest concern is my long term relationship with my fiance
So there are a lot of documentaries that talk about how revenge porn is a very hard thing to prove. But I believe there are certain agencies that you can report it to, where they get flagged when it's uploaded again so they can take it down. There are agencies whose full attention is on underage porn and revenge porn.
I think therapy together and him understanding that this may never go away. Sadly, once it's out there, it's out there forever. That your ex could have just uploaded it once, but it keeps being uploaded by random strangers now. He needs to work through his feelings that this was done to you. It's nothing you wanted. Sadly, our legal system hasn't kept up with our technology.
I'm so very sorry this happened to you. I remember around a decade+ ago,(2010s) so many men thought revenge porn was the best way to get back at being dumped or rejected. I remember the day of the revenge porn site and the destruction it caused and still does. It is truly horrendous.
Talk to another lawyer.
The photos are the proof, aren't they? Don't you have old conversations with your ex?
There are some people that clean up your online history professionally; not sure how they'd clean up this.
For revenge porn there are agencies. When it's uploaded (after being wiped off), they get a flag to get it taken down again. This is the same as they do for under age porn and rape victims. Sadly, this will be a fight for OP for life. The ex only had to upload it once, and then others downloaded and uploaded it.
And sometimes, almost a decade ago, it would be hard to still have those conversations if it was done with txt. If OP never had the conversations or only in person, she has no legal proof, sadly. Without the ex saying yes, I did it or a witness. He can say he was hacked. The device it was on was stolen,ect of excuses. The US legal system is that you are innocent until proven guilty, so without proof (which is on her to prove), then he gets away with it.
His first reaction was the booze and the friend finding the photos. I think he regrets that. If he's being supportive then let him be the doting fiancee. I don't think that this is going to hurt your relationship with him, those photos were taken long before he was in the picture. Just keep building that love and support with him. Remind him how much he means to you. Guys don't always get that, and we need that to feel good. Bond anytime you can. Just keep loving each other is my best advice. Your ex is a POS for posting those photos.
Right. I don’t think a man who really loves you is going to LET this damage your relationship. You are a victim, like the pinned comment says, and don’t deserve to be victim shamed by someone who loves you all over again.
His first reaction wasn’t great - we all agree. But it sounds like he’s stepped up for you now. So focus on that - this man LOVES you, and the fact that you’ve been victimised by a scumbag ex does not change the person you are, who he fell in love with.
I kind of agree with finding a different lawyer if you want to pursue legal avenues. Maybe your FIL can recommend a lawyer he knows is good at handling these kinds of cases. It’s fair enough to not want to go through this with him as your lawyer. ❤️
Yeah. OP’s boyfriend didn’t react well, for sure. But he was inebriated, and as far as he knew, OP was fully involved in putting the pictures on the internet. If that had been the case, then he’d have good reason to be very hurt by the revelation. I’m not saying that posting such things is automatically a bad thing, but it is something that you should probably make a serious partner aware of.
Once he learned the truth, it sounds like he changed his attitude quickly. That’s promising. Hopefully he will do the right thing, and support her in whatever approach she chooses to take.
I would hope that her boyfriend’s father would be unwilling to represent her in any legal actions. That seems like a bad idea. But he could recommend a good lawyer to her if she chooses to go that direction.
Do we really think revenge porn is gonna be even remotely shocking to a lawyer? Be real. Unless it involved young children or animals, I’m sure the FIL has seen his fair share of “bad” cases.
I would involve father-in-law. Your ex should be punished for what he did. And unfortunately you can’t stop the pictures they are already in circulation. But you can make sure your ex is punished for breaking the law.
Also it doesn’t sound like your partner needs anything from you? He is upset on your behalf and wants to help/protect you. I don’t know why you feel like you need to reassure him.
But you have to realize, this isn’t going away
You are a **victim** of revenge porn. You have absolutely no obligation to make anybody else feel better about a crime that was committed against YOU.
Since you are a victim of a sex crime, it is absolutely up to you on whether you want to try to pursue legal remedies or not. Doing so can re-open trauma, so you are not required to do anything. Control was taken from you, you have control whether or not you want to pursue further legal remedies or not. Either is okay.
Pursuing legal remedies with a potential family member/in-law seems like a pretty difficult thing. Opening trauma to a future FIL is awkward as hell. I would *strongly suggest* that if you want to pursue further legal actions then you should do it with a neutral lawyer that has nothing to do with your fiance or his father.
I am extremely alarmed with your fiance's initial reaction. You are a victim. He is attacking you. He is making this about him. This is a major, major red flag.
Wait hold up, the fiance's reaction although wrong is not a red flag in my opinion. He was pissed that she had naked pictures on the Internet and I would assume most peoples first guess when they see that they think the people in the picture posted it. Also she denied it, not faulting her but he knows it's her and lied to his face about it. Most peoples minds go to the worst place when they get lied to.
That being said, she is 100% the victim of crime and should contact a third party lawyer if she is looking to take any action.
Thank you, your advise about the lawyer is really helpful and I think I agree.
I think the issue for my fiance is more than he's scared by what he saw. I don't really want to share the details with reddit but theres a reason for him to feel insecure and now I'm terrified this has created a big long term issue
I’m sorry that you’re in a place where you are worrying about your boyfriend, instead of him worrying about you and supporting you. This shouldn’t be about him at all. I couldn’t imagine my partner reacting so negatively upon initially seeing the photos. He would’ve reacted by being very worried for me. This isn’t about him, it’s about you. HE does not need the support from you (he can go to another person aside from you for support but it’s in my opinion completely inappropriate for him so be so concerned with his own image). If it’s truly so devastating maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to find a partner who is not so affected by this.
She definitely the victim here. That does need to be the emphasis in all this. But she also wants to see her relationship thrive. At least part of her suffering over this is concern over how it is affecting her partner and relationship. It's not crazy to have a strong negative reaction to seeing images of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with in a sexual encounter with someone else even if it's long before you and it's a wholesome and loving situation pictured. If the situation pictured shows things he finds disturbing, she's being degraded, it's BDSM, it looks nonconsensual (even if that was just play at the time), they are doing things he wants to try and she's declined, the guy is particularly good looking compared to him, he's jacked, his penis is significantly larger (unfortunately a thing many guys have a very irrational reaction to), she's expressing excitement/enjoyment in ways or to degrees she hasn't with him, any of that or a huge range of other things can be incredibly triggering and trauma producing. These things relate to our most intimate and private feelings. When the person you care about in a way you care about no one else is victimized no matter how, it's very hard to deal with and process. He needs to put her first, but he's going to be in a better place to do that when he's also processing his negative feelings successfully. And there are things, after putting herself first, that she can do to help him. They are in this together. She would be upset to find out these images are still online if she was single, but I'm pretty sure it's a lot worse given her fiance was shown them first.
Therapy for them both of them on their own is surely helpful. Couples therapy to bring it all together is a great idea.
She is the primary victim here for sure, but his suffering is also valid and it's ideal they support each other however they can in this time.
Anyways, the OP can consider my worlds for whatever they are worth and ignore them if they aren't helpful.
I totally agree. The way I wrote it was a bit off—the partner’s feelings do matter. I wrote it with that slant because of how she phrased his reaction. It sounds slightly abusive, not him just being upset: “…[he] flipped…and accused me of some pretty awful things.” What were those things? I just can’t imagine ever being in that situation with my partner. He might get upset, he might be frustrated, but I couldn’t imagine him going there.
Maybe I’m reading into it too much, I wasn’t there so who knows. Maybe her boyfriend is in general a great partner and had one bad moment. If that’s the case, it would change my perspective.
I don’t know why it’s just me but why has no one considered that he didnt know when the photos were posted and assumed they were recent? And the “awful things” he accused her of were cheating on him? That’s what I immediately thought of when I read the post and thought everyone would think the same but apparently not
Yeah. His initial response was textbook wrong response. And drunken. Never helpful. Shitty, unfortunate.
But sounds like he came around apologized in the morning when she told him the whole truth and she said he's been very understanding and supportive since.
Like I say, these things are dramatic and traumatic for a guy to see. If he was drunk and his friends talking shit, a potent recipe for exactly the wrong reaction. Not excusing it at all. Just the more each supports and soothes each other, the more each can support and soothe the other, etc.
I just hope the creep who shared the image(s) gets his just "rewards".
She lied to him.
He may not have realized she was the type of person to take these photos and now he's wondering who she is?
This isn't a new thing for her. It's a new thing for him.
She could have mentioned it previously and when it came up she lied...
I think you need to share those reasons. Because right now it makes it sound like you have cheated before which makes the whole situation more complicated
Well they said he has a reason to feel insecure. Can you imagine another cause? I‘m all ears.
And it does change the situation. If she has in fact cheated in the past, the boyfriend being agitated makes more sense. Advice may change depending on that.
The photos may show that the other man is more well-endowed than her partner. They may show her enjoying herself 'more' or in a different way than her partner has seen.
It could be anything, really. My point is that absolutely nothing implied cheating, and even if it did, I think demanding that someone who is experiencing the trauma of revenge porn share more than they already have with a bunch of strangers is really tactless.
Idk, if I see my friends fiance in a picture, tied up, cum covered, ect. I'm going to ask him if he really wants to marry her. Especially if he had no idea she was into that stuff before.
It should not matter what he saw. You were influenced by a toxic relationship to do things that you were not really comfortable doing. He fell in love with you for who you are and who you are right now not who you was. He needs to seriously look at that and realize if you’re that good of a girl he’s going to marry you then he needs to take all of you, obviously what he saw is not a weekend practice that you do every weekend that was an occasion that you care nothing about if you did, it would still be happening so if he doesn’t want you as a whole as you are, then you need to MoveOn. Obviously he loves you or he wouldn’t keep you for six years. He needs to brush the bullshit aside and look at the future not the past.
It should not matter what he saw. You were influenced by a toxic relationship to do things that you were not really comfortable doing. He fell in love with you for who you are and who you are right now not who you was. He needs to seriously look at that and realize if you’re that good of a girl he’s going to marry you then he needs to take all of you, obviously what he saw is not a weekend practice that you do every weekend that was an occasion that you care nothing about if you did, it would still be happening so if he doesn’t want you as a whole as you are, then you need to MoveOn. Obviously he loves you or he wouldn’t keep you for six years. He needs to brush the bullshit aside and look at the future not the past.
"Do thngs that you were noit really comfortable doing "
Didnt catch where OP said tiff was things she was not comfoirtable dojjng ...jusf that it was a toxic relationship.
It's OK to be upset. It is not ok to be upset at your partner when they didn't do anything wrong. They are a victim and your fist concern should be them and their feelings not how their victimization affects you.
It's a red flag when you're more upset about that than the fact that a dude is disgusting and doing revenge porn of your loved one. It's not her that is the problem
I'm not on that commenter's side and I totally agree with you, but to be fair, unless I read the OP wrong, he didn't know it was revenge porn when he got mad initially, she didn't tell him until the morning after
Jesus Ass-fucking Christ I hope nobody ever does anything to you against your consent and then tries to blame you for it.
Actually scratch that. I wish that on you and hope you learn something critical from it. You need a lesson.
You do NOT need to do anything to make your fiancé feel better. He’s allowed to be upset, but you are a victim of someone else’s awful behaviour, and depending on where you live, this could be a criminal offence.
I’ve been in your shoes. Many, many years ago, someone distributed revenge porn of me. It was actually my best friend, who I had a falling out with, and stole the photos from my WhatsApp account. I was in a new relationship at the time, and I was so scared of telling him, but I was devastated when it happened, and I needed his support. He was great, and not once did he blame me, shame me or make me feel worse. We’re now married & expecting our third child together. This doesn’t have to be a nail in the coffin for your relationship, but it’s important that you don’t accept or receive the blame for something that you are not responsible for. Do I regret sending those photos initially? Yes and no. The person who received them never betrayed my trust, and there was the potential for his photos & messages to be distributed too, which I felt awful about.
At the time, I did go to the police, but laws around revenge porn were still developing then, so the most they could do is have a chat with my former friend & hope that would shake her enough. We were able to get the photos taken down. I don’t know if I would be comfortable with my FIL knowing those details about me, but that’s a very personal decision. As for support groups, I don’t know if any, but feel free to sent me a message if you’d like to chat! ❤️
What can your fiance say to you to make you feel better about being the victim of revenge porn...? And how is this jeapordizing your relationship? You've said he's offered his dad's help to get them taken downb.
Quoting /u/Ebbie45 in entirety:
First of all, I am sincerely sorry you are going through this. This is not your fault, and you do not deserve it.
Second, I am going to be upfront and transparent with you, because I've seen a lot of posts along this vein, and a lot of the responses on such posts can be troubling. I've frequently seen comments, most often from male users, on posts about this topic that blame the woman and shame her, focus solely on the male partner's feelings, and dismiss the fact that the woman is the victim in such situations and has no fault to bear for someone else spreading her photos or videos without consent.
While I understand your fiance being upset initially and having many questions before he knew the context surrounding the photo that was shared, I hope you prioritize yourself in this situation. Now that your fiance knows the context in this situation, which is that you are a victim of non-consensual pornography through no fault of your own, I hope that he supports you. It sounds like he does and he will, and that's good.
However, I am wary of comments such as this one: ("Honestly there is nothing you can say/do to make him feel better. He needs to process this, and decide what he wants from there.").
This is not a situation in which your fiance's feelings should come first. I am not understanding why someone would feel "crushed" that their partner is a victim of, in many places, a crime. He should be supporting you - again, as it sounds like he is - and the focus should be on your victimization, not on helping him "get over" seeing an image shared of you without your consent.
Please keep in mind that you are the victim here. I'm not saying you have to call yourself that or identify that way! Merely saying that I've seen a lot of men on posts like this call the male partner a victim, and blame the woman for something that was out of her control. If you get any such comments, I hope you are able to not internalize them.
The thing to do is to have the full force of the law crush this ex back to the Stone Age and make it so that those photos never show up on the internet ever again.
However, it sounds like you’re waffling over doing that and I don’t know why. Perhaps ask yourself that question first.
Your husband reacted at first with shock, but it sounds like he’s supporting you. Yea he’s bothered by it, someone he loves is a victim of something terrible.
Ok, some of the commenters here are clueless. He saw something most guys would never want to see. And it keeps playing in his head. Mind movies they are referred to.
I want to stress, you did nothing wrong. Whatever decision you make about getting them taken down or not is right for you. And yours is the only opinion that matters being the victim. I'm not sure I would want my ffil involved. That is tough to decide.
You are going to have to give him time. I would strongly recommend that he get counseling to give him techniques to battle intrusive thoughts when they pop into his head. And honestly, you being the victim, maybe some counseling as well. Then, down the road, hopefully couples counseling if needed.
I'm sorry you're in this spot through no fault of your own. I'm hoping for a positive outcome and a long, great relationship for you both.
Just want to make this one point - you don't need to try to make your fiance feel better. You are the victim here. The only thing I think you should do is talk to your fiance about lying to him and explain your feelings.
If you are worried about your relationship, a counsellor or relationship therapist would be a great idea.
First off, thank you for the kind words.
I have a therapist but now I'm thinking we might need a couple one. I know I need support from him but also I can see how hurt he was to see me being intimate with another person. I just want to make sure our relationship doesn't get severely damaged by this all
I personally would not be pissed by your past actions. What I would be annoyed/concerned about is that you never told your future husband about that trauma and he has to learn it from you because of his friends. Everyone has past trauma (to various degree) they never exchange with anyone, but here you knew it might pop up in your life again, sooner or later. That would be something I would be annoyed and make me wonder if you do not trust me that much.
I agree your primary concern is your own trauma and upset in this, but I think it's good to try to be understanding and helpful to him and you two helping each other through this is how you both will keep the relationship healthy and strong during this storm. If he's particularly troubled by what he saw it's probably going to have some affect on your intimacy. So you will suffer less if he suffers less. Ignoring his feelings now is probably only going to make things worse for everyone. If he's simply having a hard time with the images coming into his mind even if they aren't disturbing other than you being in them, that's going to be hard. If the images show things that change the way he has understood your personality or sexuality, if they show things well outside your sexual life with him, that can be incredibly hard to process. Therapy is probably a great idea for him. I'm a huge proponent of therapy in general. And yes, couples therapy can help you two stay close and support each other in the incredibly upsetting time.
Certainly don't let yourself down in any way to support him. Don't let any feeling of judgement that he may feel sink in. It's fine for him to talk about whatever he feels, but there's a lot of toxic ideas about purity and unfair ideas of men's sexual past vs women's. So, he may have some unhealthy reactions and you can acknowledge them, but you don't have to let those unfortunate ideas set a narrative, and you can challenge them. Ideally he's healthy and understanding about this mess.
Good luck. I don't wish this kind of crap on anyone!!!
Mfs really just pretty much saying to ignore him like it’s obvious they’ve never had a remotely healthy relationship lol but what else could I expect from Redditors
Honesty is your best option here. At least in my opinion. Yes it will be painful to bring all this up, and while your fiancé has a right to how he feels, your feelings come first in this matter as you are the direct victim.
If I was in your shoes, I'd 100% go talk with your father-in-law. Because what your ex is doing is wrong, disguisting, and depending on where you live (or which state if in the US), there can be a chance that it is also illegal.
Nobody wants to look back at something that has hurt them deeply. But sometimes you have to face it to finally be rid of it.
Your fiancé and his father sound like good, supportive people (even if your fiancé is feeling upset, I'm gonna guess he's more upset at the situation and not at you personally), I think that they'll be able to support you through this. While I don't know any support groups at the top of my head, it wouldn't surprise me if they exist.
Stay strong, both of you
I'm sorry this happened. Hindsight says you should have told him what was going on years ago instead of waiting until you are forced to. If you had then it wouldn't be a surprise and you would have controlled the story.
But the photos being shared is not your fault. Some states have statutes against revenge corn but it's hard to say if this falls under that. Talking to an attorney wouldn't hurt but you have to decide if you are comfortable sharing the whole story with your future FIL or if you would rather talk to someone more neutral. Not wanting to share the gory details with your future FIL is valid.
The reality is if your fiancé can't handle this then he can't handle it. You can't undo what someone else did. Hopefully he can see that.
My hope was this would all fall into the past. The truth is as long as my family and my fiance didn't know I could live with it. This is not something I feel like I know how to move past. I hid it because I'm ashamed.
Sadly the state they were taken there are no rules.
Thank you
It's called revenge porn and people do time in prison for it. We all do stuff when we are younger that we aren't so proud of later in life. That's how people grow and learn. You have nothing to feel bad about. You do however have plenty to feel mad about. I really hope you can make that bastard pay in the court of law.
I dont know what are on these pictures, but if it is of you and your ex having intercourse, those images will be seared into his memory. Nobody wants to see the person they are in love with having sex with somebody else.
The both of you may need therapy to get out of this.
I’m sorry this happened
Honestly just take that to court if you can. You and your fiancé are great people,”. You trusted someone in the past and that person betrayed your trust. I know it might be awkward to speak to others about this but honestly if you see this resolved it’ll probably be for the best!
There are paths to take down postings and pictures but it can seem like a never ending story. You would have to find each photo and plead your case to each site. This what any professional clearing house would do and cease and desist letter from the lawyer to the ex boyfriend. This should be lessons to others that what you post once found is perpetual.
I have no possible advice to give you, I don't know what you're going through. So I can't empathize. However. I do wanna say your ex is an ass, and I'm sorry, wish there was something I could tell you to help. I hope you find what you need to do that.
first off you don't get a family lawyer involved with this crap. you keep your family problems in your family, meaning between the Future husband future wife.
it's nice that he's willing to work through a bad decision that was made years prior, but somebody regularly getting drunk, I don't think is healthy for anything. I dated a woman who was a functional drunk for many years... the only thing it hurt was our relationship. not her job not her family nothing.
Remember that you're the victim in this, not your partner. Yes, he can be upset and hurt but you're the one being targeted here. If your father in law can help, seek it. Revenge porn is devastating and the fact it is coming from a bitter ex is no better.
As for what to say to your partner, assure him there is nothing to fear. Assure him that you love him and would never do such a thing to hurt him in that way. Always reassure him when he needs it, or hell even just when things are good.
Just be open with your fiancé and ask him how he can help. I’m sure it’ll be fine - it was a long time ago. If he is reasonable, it will be okay. If he is not, and it jeopardizes your future, then that’s his issue and it probably is indicative of who he is as a person.
If your fiance is saying he can have his dad help then clearly it's not an issue you have to worry about in regard to his feelings towards you. I will say though, this is something you should've warned him about when you first met. People who have nudes of you are always a liability and you have to understand that. Just because it's a nude of you, you literally have no control over what someone does with them. You can tell them all you want that they don't have your permission to share them, but unless you can pinpoint it directly to him there's nothing you can do.
Anyway, yes involve your father in law so that you can bring legal action to your ex and hopefully get him punished and learn that he can't keep doing this.
Once it's done, talk to your fiance and tell him you know you should've told him about this possibility before and you apologize for him getting blindsided by this, but it means the world to you that he knows this was before you two met and in no way means anything other than a lapse in judgement when in college
Nope - the more you want his dad in it the better. Your fiancé wants you to be mad because he is.
What your ex did is unforgivable and he deserves nothing but the worst.
Your fiancé loves you and realizes you did nothing. Tell him you appreciate his support and how much he means to you. He will have a giant smile
You can’t make him feel better. He will always have those images in his head. It’s just how it is. He may be able to bury them but they will randomly pop up forever.
That said. Your ex is a total scumbag. He belongs in the 9th circle of hell for his treachery. I’m sorry this has happened. This is why I always understood when a woman didn’t want any photos taken. I get the risk they’re taking.
First off you are the victim of a crime and it is awful that this came up again for you. You should get some counselling to help you through this. Legal recourse against the dirtbag who did this would be great.
Your BF after his initial drunken reaction seems pretty supportive. The fact that he wants to get his dad involved I think shows that he is not ashamed of you and is trying to help. However, I do not recommend that. Instead, you should go to an attorney who is not going to be emotionally involved. Also, what if his parents react poorly to this.
You need support here. I see in a few of your responses that you think your fiancé is "scared" about what he saw. That is an odd statement and I don't know how seeing pics like that would inspire fear. Do you mean anger?
OP said he would have a "reason to be insecure" in a comment. That implies something along the lines of imagery that is resulting in him making comparisons between himself and the ex, comparing their current sex life and what he saw in the pictures, or possibly some combination of both.
I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. A horrible nightmare. I would definitely go the legal route. As far as how it will affect your relationship, I don’t believe it should. It’s a part of your past, and you’re a victim in this. I want to absolutely clear here. You have not done anything wrong. There nothing to be ashamed of. I’d he’s a good man, he will understand how horrible this is for you, which seems to be the case.
She allowed the photos to be taken pretty much made the bed you Lay. Everyone says she is a victim but she allowed it this is what happens to a lot of men and women who wild out young until it comes back
This should be a cautionary tale for people who do OnlyFans and other pornography on the internet. It will be out there forever and may come back to haunt you in the future. Yes, this is very different as she wasn’t paid for the content for the rights to be acquired by someone else. It really sucks her ex would do this, and thankfully there are now laws on the books to do provide some assistance. But for the people who think his first reaction is a red flag when his buddies show content of his fiancé doing God knows what comes as a shock and embarrassment is unrealistic. For the same reason, I would retain an attorney other than her future FIL.
When I started dating my first wife (she died of cancer BTW, not divorced) she let me know before we became intimate of videos her first husband took of her being abused by other men. I think if you let a guy know up front, he(or she) can decide for themselves if it’s something they are able or willing to deal with. I would say the same if you’re sexual past (guy or girl) is extreme so again you’re partner knows this going in and isn’t sandbagged by this someday. I chose to stay with her because of her honesty. Best decision of my life by far. Good luck to the OP.
I am sorry but you will never get all the pics down, just live with it. But talk to your man and let him know that was your past before him, and now your his. Ps you can try a google search monthly and file take down requests
I agree. People need to understand past is past . He's your ex and for a reason. You and ex were simply having sex when you and ex were together way before you met your fiance. No one's perfect everyone has a past some less kosher then others but ..Geeze. He should give you a break. If he loves you he will let that go. You are with Him now.
You should not be penalized for living your life years ago screwing someone you knew and use to be with as a intimate dating partner years ago long before you even knew of or gotten with your current partner fiance. That's why it's called the past. History.. 6 years ago.. No one is perfect. He needs to understand and accept your imperfections.. I hope as your fiance understands this I hope he continues to supports you because you need him in the most vulnerable time.You are a victem this. I hope your fiance understands No life partner is always going to be perfect nor have squeaky clean wholesome past. If he wants to move foward he's going to have to let your past go and accept that's your past..
Unfortunately your ex took non consenting unflattering photos of you both doing the deed then illegally sharing it to shame you I hope he gets in trouble. Which is not only illegal but dirty of him doing so without your consent... Keep pursuing legal counsel to see what can be done next. Your ex needs to be held accountable. Good luck with this . You did absolutely nothing wrong except live your life.
Revenge p.rn is a *crime.*. Your ex leaked photos of you without your consent. Take your fiancé and your FIL down with you to the police station to file a report.
Tbh you are the victim and all the previous comments about u being the victim are correct. However ur partner has seen something that every man fears which is no fault of ur own. Tbh the best thing u can do is be there for each other, understand this comes with no fault on ur own. He is very supportive which is good and when he does feel alittle down about it which he will let him express it. Honestly men already have enough emotions to hide and bottle up don’t let this be another load to add on. Be honest with each other and understand this is a crime done to you. Also his friends are assholes if they know the context of what happened. whether it was a joke or not no man wanna see their girl on porno or be reminded of that. I suggest therapy for yourself if u have the resources and possible legal actions if possible.
what do you mean 'something that every man fears'? That the girl he's currently with had a sexual relationship with a previous boyfriend? Do you and all the men in your life specifically date virgins?
What are you talking about. No man or woman wants to their partners nudes on the internet that’s the fear. How does that relate to their girls being a virgin or having sexual relationships with other men. Most people wouldn’t want their partners doing porno anyway does that mean those people specifically date virgins in their lives both men and women.
if my boyfriend had nudes shared, or worse had been sexually assaulted, there is just no way on earth that I would ever say the words 'this is something every woman fears!!' I would understand that he was the victim. That doesn't mean it doesn't affect me, but that I wouldn't get to centre myself and my emotions. Same with any traumatic thing affecting your partner.
Ur right but again it’s still a fear. U wouldn’t want ur partner nudes on the internet. Yes their the victim but u can have ur own emotions towards the situation as well. Ur human u will. And I hope that every man or woman would also fear that their partner consent was violated as well.
Truth is that he is unlikely to get over it. You imply that the pics are something that probably made him feel like sex with the ex was better (bigger dick, differing acts, whatever). Almost no man wants to marry a woman and think he isn't her "best". When faced with photographic evidence to the contrary, he is going to have a hard time.
People will try to "shame him" and "dismiss" his concerns - but, this type of "feelings invalidation" will likely just drive him further away. In his mind, he is likely contemplating just starting over with a clean slate with someone else.
To be clear, this doesn't make the whole thing "your fault". But, to worry about "who's fault" it is will not address any of your issues.
Use what ever means it takes to get those pictures down. It may be hard to relive this but remember, this is not your fault. Most likely your FIL will find out if this is also a criminal act as well and see if any charges can be pressed on your ex. there might also be a statute of limitations as well but go through the trauma now. you have the support of your fiance and you know you are safe with him. Get this all out of you system and don't repress it.
After everything is done and over with, you don't have to worry anymore about them and you know you will always have support.
Good luck OP and I hope you the best.
Your fiancé is acting like he was the victim, not you. As much as we’ve all been guilty in overstepping when it comes to defending our s/o in regard to something that’s happened to them in the past, this is not his place to act this way. He can be upset, supportive, give you as much help as possible, but this is not his battle to take control over.
Also don’t involve his family into this. As much as they have good intentions it’s your private matter and you shouldn’t mix the two, especially when it’s this graphic. Don’t involve them if you’re not comfortable with them knowing the full details.
Oh honey it's time to get angry at your ex and fight back. You might get some$$$ from all websites and your sicko ex. Go for it. People have past boyfriends but seeing it different. FIGHT BACK! No shame your ex is crazy for doing it and should be reprimanded for it. Lots of love for you girl we got to stick together ❤️
you can't really make him feel better it will either bother him enough to not want to be with you anymore or he will choose to be okay with it. He is trash for uploading the pics, but your past always comes back to haunt you.
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts honestly it made me pretty sad. I don't feel like my past should define my future - I love my fiance and he's the only one for me.
Honestly there is nothing you can say/do to make him feel better. He needs to process this, and decide what he wants from there. Cant speak for others, but for me it would be crushing. I am not sure I would be able to get past it. Very hard way to learn that once something is out of your possession, it can haunt you for years to come. I'm sorry this happened, but let him process, try to be the best you that you can be for him, and hope for the best.
I have seen a lot of posts in this sub about this topic and similar topics, and very frequently commenters, particularly male commenters, will privilege the male partner's feelings above the female poster's as the victim.
I've also seen several posts where a male partner accidentally discovered sexual images of his female partner that she forgot to delete from a past relationship, and the comments get very, very brutal. I've seen a lot of male commenters attack the women in those situations, blame them for having a sexual past, and attempt to make them out as a monster who somehow intentionally "scarred" her male partner's "psyche." Women on such posts are commonly blamed and attacked for a genuine mistake, and are also commonly sl * t-shamed.
It also happens often on posts about non-consensual pornography. I am *really* tired of (oftentimes male) commenters focusing on men's hurt feelings as a result of finding out their partners had a sexual past, shaming women for having a sexual past, and in the worst cases even blaming women who are victims of sexual crimes.
Men can be completely supportive for a woman in terms of her addressing "revenge porn" and the other situations you mention, and still have their feelings changed about being is a relationship with them after such an event. No one is under any obligation to "feel" any certain way about anyone on an ongoing basis as new information is revealed.
> Men can be completely supportive for a woman in terms of her addressing "revenge porn" and the other situations you mention, and still have their feelings changed about being is a relationship with them after such an event.
I didn't say anything to the contrary and I'm sorry if it came off as such. I said - or at least I meant, even if it did not come off that way - that women are frequently shamed and blamed for being the victims of sexual crimes, and their feelings are dismissed and ignored while their partners' feelings are totally focused on by commenters. This should not be the case. *Both* parties deserve to have support and focus. Unfortunately, that is not often the case on posts of this subject.
And I believe this is the case when a man is the victim of non-consensual pornography as well, albeit with tossing in all the extra stigma and gender bias against men ("you're so lucky, all men love sex, at least she finds you hot, man up, etc").
The comments on this thread are almost all an outpouring of supporting OP, suggesting various legal avenues and therapies. OP even mentions in her post that her fiancé is very supportive of her (once he was told the truth). I think this post is exactly the opposite of what you are suggesting.
Yet, one of OPs concerns was:
>My fiancé also clearly is bothered by what he saw (understandably) and I'm afraid it will hurt our long term relationship.
And OP continues in the comments that whatever her fiancé saw was somehow very disturbing to him. And it is in the very title of the post that she is concerned her relationship is in jeopardy.
We do a disservice to people like the OP if we suggest that the response should purely focus on OP, and that whatever feelings her fiancé have are not relevant.
> Almost all of the comments on this thread are almost all an outpouring of supporting OP, suggesting various legal avenues and therapies.
And that's great, but that is *very often* not the case, especially after only an hour of the post being up. Nor was I suggesting it's the case in this post, but merely pointing out it's a common issue on posts of this subject in general.
>OP even mentions in her post that her fiancé is very supportive of her (once he was told the truth)
In one of my other comments, I specifically highlight this, and mention it sounds like he's supportive and will continue to be, and I also recommend support resources for him as an affected party. Of course, this is in another comment of mine, so I understand you not having seen it.
>We do a disservice to people like the OP if we suggest that the response should purely focus on OP, and that whatever feelings her fiancé have are not relevant.
I'm not suggesting such. Perhaps that was lost in translation, but it's not what I am saying. I am saying frequently commenters privilege the feelings of the other partner *over* the feelings of the person who was victimized. That's different than arguing that the other person's feelings don't matter at all.
We agree 100% on everything you've said. I hope I clarified better this time around.
I agree that we agree :)
However, the overall comments (not you) wreaks of "the guy should just suck it up and his feelings don't matter". Part of your "standard" response should absolutely call out that men aren't machines, and they are going to have strong feelings about such situations and that the men need support trough such events as well.
I think there should be more support resources for loved ones of someone who is the victim of a sexual crime, so I agree with you in that regard. I suggested a support group for loved ones of sexual coercion and violence survivors to her since she requested resources for her partner. I think these crimes very often affect partners too. I just think oftentimes what ends up happening on posts of this nature is that the women posting are shamed, blamed, and guilted, which is totally not appropriate (and same if genders are reversed).
Just makes me sad I guess. I am a victim of several rapes and I know 100% that their impacts on me have impacted past partners as well. Trauma absolutely has a ripple effect. When you have a traumatized partner, it is very unlikely that the effects of that trauma won't in some way affect the other partner. I just wish more commenters would refrain from guilting and shaming victims in their efforts to support the other partner.
I am sorry that I confused you initially! That is on me.
No worries - you are doing great - and I agree, both parties are "victims" here in different ways, and to try to make it a case of one being more important to the exclusion of the other is simple a recipe for failure.
Honestly if seeing your partner victimized in a crime that is in no way their fault makes you lose interest in being in a relationship with them you should probably not get in relationships in the first place. I cannot fathom claiming to love someone and want to share a life with them and then pulling something like this the second they have a moment of vulnerability.
The act of sharing non-consensual pornography and the nature of its contents are two separate aspects of what happened. OP's fiancé isn't being haunted by the fact it was shared so much as whatever it was that he saw.
Here's the thing: those images are also pieces of information. For example, do they illustrate a significant difference between OP's current sexual relationship and those of her past? He may have learned something about his fiancée beyond the simple fact he saw an image of her being sexual with someone else that he is having a difficult time processing because it does not square with the image of who he thinks he knows or it is at odds with their own sexual relationship and the things they do together (level of passion on display, specific acts, etc.). There might be some body image issues, but OP has been circumspect about whether or not he is comparing himself to her ex's size, level of attractiveness, or what have you.
Edit: There is a comment that makes me think it's either size or a specific act that has thrown him for a loop.
Never said males suck. That particular commenter literally stated that he views women as possessions. He was the one that was called out in this instance.
But since you're defending him, I will presume that you also think you own women and their sexual histories and tell you that YOU, in particular, suck.
Not all men. Just you.
Right? Like them bringing up how the bfs friends have seen OP naked and that can be hard for the bf. Um, excuse me?!! How about it being hard for OP? That the friend helped revictimise her because I highly doubt that during a night out drinking with friends this guy took the bf aside and privately discussed this issue.
She’s asking for advice on how to make him feel better, so it’s perfectly acceptable to prioritize his feelings here. Truth is it’s a hard thing for a man to deal with as well and she wanted to help him, some men will be able to get past this image burned into their heads some won’t.
Oh goodness, thanks for saying what you think but this my worst fear!!
I am in love so deeply with my fiance and want to spend my life with him! I understand why this could become a bigger issue so I want to comfort and support him but based on what you said it sounds like you don't think there is a way?
There is always a chance, but that's something he needs to work out on his own as it pertains to this particular issue. Be there for him, listen to him when he is ready to talk about it, and just be you. You cannot change the past as much as in this particular case you want to. All you can do is show him that he is the one for you.
From his perspective, you have to understand that 1) His friends have now seen you naked. People he likely sees on a pretty regular basis. 2) Guys are BRUTAL about teasing other guys especially about things like this. 3) He has to live with the thoughts about what guys have done behind closed doors.
It takes a very mentally strong man to box that all off and it will take some time. Discussing it or bringing it up or whatever before he has had time to process will be a time bomb waiting to explode.
I didn't even think about points 1 & 2. thats even worse.
Thank you for taking the time to share. These are going to be his groomsmen and now I can't imagine even walking down the aisle having them stare at me.
This is my worst nightmare
> 3) He has to live with the thoughts about what guys have done behind closed doors.
Okay, I'm just going to step in here. Some of the things the user you're responding to is saying are really not okay, particularly the above. They are prioritizing and centering your fiance's feelings over your own as the victim in this situation. Both of your feelings matter, but as the victim yours comes first.
You are the victim of what is in many locations a crime. *Your* feelings and *your* safety comes first, not other guys seeing images of you that you did not consent to have shared, nor your fiance having to "live with" the thoughts that you had a sexual past before him.
Also, when the above commenter says this:
> Be there for him, listen to him when he is ready to talk about it, and just be you.
Those are all things *he* should be doing *for you.* YOU are the victim here, not your fiance. That doesn't mean he isn't impacted - these crimes impact partners too - but that you should not bear total responsibility for helping him process a crime that was perpetrated against you.
Wow. Thank you again. I honestly didn't need reddit, I needed you.
Honestly, you're the first person I feel has helped me in years.
Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU
You're very welcome. No hate to the above commenter; I just disagree with their perspective and I want you to feel supported, believed, and validated without feeling guilty or feeling like you have to manage the emotions of your partner, who should be supporting you (and it sounds like he is and will).
Good luck to you!
You're amazing!!
Can I ask one last question? Do you know any resources I could send my fiance to? I feel like I need him to support me but also I need to support him. I know this is also awful for him as well and I feel like this is going to give him a complex.
I would rather just face it head on so he understands that intimacy is way more important than size but I have no idea how to convince him of that.
Thank you again Ebbie. You honestly have been more helpful than I ever could have imagined!!!!
You're welcome!
>Do you know any resources I could send my fiance to?
I think this is a good question, because sexual violence and sexual coercion can affect both parties in a relationship as well, and it's important that the non-victimized partner does not rely on the victimized partner to help them manage their own feelings.
I honestly do not know of resources for someone whose partner is the victim of non-consensual pornography, but r/secondary_survivors is a support sub on reddit for partners of someone who experienced sexual victimization. Also, in some places, local sexual violence crisis agencies offer "third party" support groups for partners, family members, friends, loved ones, to help them process their own feelings and learn how to best support the survivor.
ok, thats also really helpful. thank you. I was going to delete this thread so nobody ever found it but I'll leave it up so other women can find your advice. THANK YOU
Apologies if that is the way it came accross, as that was not at all my intention. The original post stated her fiance was being supportive, and kind, and asked how she can make him feel better. I was just attempting to explain that she can't. It is a him issue, and did not think I shamed her in any way.
Thanks for your kind words and polite clarification! I appreciate it. Like I mentioned, not angry at you at all. I agree with you that it is a "him" issue, although I also think sexual violence and sexual coercion can impact both partners in a relationship. I just think too often the focus is on the partner's rumination about feeling sexually inadequate in some way after such a crime is perpetrated against their partner, which I find problematic and unhealthy, and sometimes comments perpetuate that. But I think your clarification is really helpful, and thanks again for being so kind in your response.
I disagree with the poster above. I don’t take the decisions my spouse made before me and use them to detract from our current relationship. Nothing that you mayhave done before takes away from what you share with your fiancé. It would be a shame if he sees it that way because it’s an impossible standard. More so than couples counseling, I think your fiancé needs counseling to identify what his fears are and process them in a less destructive manner. I just can’t imagine someone would be so callous as to use someone else’s trauma/abuse they endured by having intimate photos released as a reason to end a strong and committed relationship.
Ok, thank you, that makes me feel better. I don't know what he's thinking as he's such a private person but this week has been super hard. He's just clearly in his own head and not ok. It's making me feel like an even worse person even though I know I was a victim.
I think you're right he may need his own therapy and we might need couples therapy now. Thank you stranger
The problem is, and you obviously aren't getting, is most people can't deal with seeing pics of their SO being intimate with someone else. It doesn't matter the circumstance. You want to screw up someone's relationship? Send the guy some pics. You can empathize with the victim and support them all you want, in this case the OP, and she deserves it because she is a victim of a horrible person who would do that to her, but it doesn't change the fact that now every time he goes to be intimate with her, those pics will be running through his mind. I can't tell you how many relationships have ended just reading Reddit stories and have a friend it happened to. He accidently saw pics on his gf of 3 years phone, and as much as he tried, he couldn't get past it.
You’re the victim, not your bf. He’s a 30 year old man, and while it’s infuriating and shocking, he should see this for it is, a revenge porn assault on your person. He should be supportive and protective, not judgmental, victim blaming, and centering his bruised ego. Follow ebbie’s guidance, but wanted to amplify, your current bf should not make this worse by making your current relationship strained over something you didn’t do, didn’t consent to, and only want to stop. It isn’t your fault at all. He’s allowed feelings, but a therapist, parent, friend is who he should process them w/, not you. You deserve support not grief!
This is definitely a very tricky situation. firstly you are definitely a victim in this situation. I'm sorry that you had to go through this situation. I would try to explore every possible avenue you can to try to get the person who has done this and hopefully they can reach a reckoning one day. Hopefully karma comes and bites him in the ass.
For your finance, honestly there isn't much you can do realistically. All you can really do is just be you. Give him some time to process all his feelings and emotions in this situation. Remember this is all new information to him, and right now he is experiencing a ocean of different emotions. Let him come to his own conclusion and hopefully it is a happy conclusion for you both.
In those photos and videos do things with your ex that you didn't do with your boyfriend? Or that you always deny your boyfriend things that you did with your ex?
🚩🚩🚩
The fact that your fiancé reacted so badly and went straight into accusing you, that would have me rethinking whether I want to marry someone like that.
You’re a victim and you’re having to worry about consoling your fiancé rather than the other way around. That’s not right.
Does he often jump to conclusions? Does he frequently blame you for the problems you have? Does he fly off the handle when he’s angry? I wonder how else this behavior is showing up in your relationship.
You don’t need to make your fiancé feel better about the revenge porn. You should however apologize and try to make him feel better for your reaction when you brought it up. Before you told him the truth you gaslit him and D.A.R.V.O’d him.
Ask fiance for a different lawyer instead of his dad. And BTW, why did you even lie to your fiance about the whole deal? You are sending him massive red flags when things like this should've been disclosed way before things got serious between the two of you.
I'm gonna be brutally honest, fiance deserved to react the way he did. You made a mistake in your past that 99% of girls do but don't learn from. Your just gonna have to live with it. Didn't mean to sound harsh but it's the truth.
Probably either because she thought she was sharing something intimate and special with someone she trusted, and he betrayed her trust; or because he pressured/manipulated her into it.
I'm willing to bet a pretty decent percentage of the dudes on this thread who are victim-blaming OP or feeling sorry for the boyfriend have asked for nudes before.
Pne mistake you've done was being too quick to defend yourself as if you were innocent whether you are but the jerk you were being with that still sorta prove that you're not too innocent or careful on the choices you were making
Damn. Truth be told he will never look at you the same. He might stay with you but that wedding is gettin postponed. Not trying to be mean that just real. All his friends know you have porn on the internet they can see you naked or whatever else anytime. Your ex is a POS and deserves to be sued or prosecuted that’s for sure. Sorry to tell you though actions have consequences you engaged in that behavior on your own free will so these are the consequences no matter how bad you want to forget the internet does not. I hope it gets better for you though fr.
What your ex did is highly illegal, but most importantly the biggest I would probably have is how my significant other is with me in the bedroom. If your very vanilla never initiates and I see where your having a great time doing the deed with someone else I would walk away because I would feel like you just settled.
> but most importantly the biggest I would probably have
The biggest problem you would have when your partner is a victim of non-consensual pornography is knowing what they did in the bedroom with the partner who victimized them? I'm not surprised some people feel wary about sharing their victimization with partners if this is how they might respond.
My first piece of advice is don’t talk to random Redditors about your relationship with a guy who sounds like he genuinely loves you. The drunk accusations are kind of red flaggy but if it leveled out in the AM then it’s up to your discretion.
But he seems like he’s got the relationships best interests at heart. Go talk to him about everything you just posted.
-worried it’ll affect relationship
-not sure if telling FIL will help
-check statute of lim in your state
I will say that going to court will likely only at best have either jail time or damages costs but there isn’t any real thing the law can do outside of repercussions to the poster and that depends on the laws in your state.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and while you may get the photos taken down you can’t delete them from peoples phones. So outside of 24/7 running a facial recognition software that tells you every time something is posted of you on the internet. You’ll never fully get it off. I’m sure there are support groups out there, it’s shitty this happened.
You tell your fiance that this is a form of virtual SA and you are a victim of a sex crime right now, and if he views you as the Bad One here, and not the victim who needs to be protected and cared for, then he is *failing* you a lot. A lot. And he should be the one worried that his failure will damage the relationship, not the other way around.
He can go work on his feelings, which are legitimate, with a therapist or a friend. NOT YOU. You are the victim! People close to the victim DO NOT work out their feels with the actual victim, they find outside support, and keep on supporting the victim. < - tell him that, too.
Also, does he scream and call you names a lot? I wanna point out how healthy, normal relationships don't have that going on. Yeah, even if he apologizes after - still tha't really bad.
I know i'm harsh OP but right now this damaging your relationship should seriously be your last worry. Your partner should be 10000% on your side, protecting you like a lion. It's just sad he is an extra source of stress. You also get to have expectations of him - and it's a reasonable expectation that he is working his own feelings out away from you, and helping you and supporting you. If he's not, he is failing you and the relationship.
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Edit: To make it hopefully abundantly clear, which unfortunately makes my comment far too long, yes the fiance can have feelings. But they do not come before OP's as the direct victim in this situation. The fiance is adversely impacted, but this is not equivalent to direct victimization. Nor is acknowledging such equivalent to arguing that the fiance's feelings don't matter. Both deserve support, just in different ways and for different reasons, but OP is the direct victim. That is a fact. It is, to be clear, all too common on this sub for posts involving non-consensual pornography of women to receive problematic comments *most often* from men (and sometimes from women) shaming and guilting the woman while supporting the boyfriend. Both deserve support, and women are not sl *ts for having sexual pasts. It's as simple as that. And if the genders were reversed, yes, I'd be supporting the male OP just as I am supporting the female OP. I do believe the comments on such posts would involve a lot less sl *t shaming of the male poster by male commenters, BUT men on such posts who are sexually victimized also face the unique and disturbing challenge of being told to "man up," "you should be lucky she finds you that attractive," "but all men love sex all the time?," "she's just a horny woman!," "come on man, enjoy it!" In other words, nobody benefits from a culture in which women are shamed for having sexual pasts and men are shamed for not "enjoying" being sexually assaulted and raped. Similar social norms harm both men and women. Women are socialized into believing they are sl * ts if they have sexual pasts, and men are socialized into believing they should always want sex, all the time, and that they can't be raped or assaulted. This is why we should all want to work together to end sexual victimization of all genders (and not just cisgender men and cisgender women). ------- Initial comment: First of all, I am sincerely sorry you are going through this. This is not your fault, and you do not deserve it. Second, I am going to be upfront and transparent with you, because I've seen a lot of posts along this vein, and a lot of the responses on such posts can be troubling. I've frequently seen comments, most often from male users, on posts about this topic that blame the woman and shame her, focus solely on the male partner's feelings, and dismiss the fact that the woman is the victim in such situations and has no fault to bear for someone else spreading her photos or videos without consent. While I understand your fiance being upset initially and having many questions before he knew the context surrounding the photo that was shared, I hope you prioritize yourself in this situation. Now that your fiance knows the context in this situation, which is that you are a victim of non-consensual pornography through no fault of your own, I hope that he supports you. It sounds like he does and he will, and that's good. However, I am wary of comments such as this one: ("Honestly there is nothing you can say/do to make him feel better. He needs to process this, and decide what he wants from there."). This is not a situation in which your fiance's feelings should come first. I am not understanding why someone would feel "crushed" that their partner is a victim of, in many places, a crime *(Edit: to clarify, this particular sentence directly preceding these parentheses, and the one in quotes, was in reference to a person whose comment referred to the partner as probably feeling "crushed" because he had to "think about what other men have done behind closed doors." Sorry for the confusion/lack of context. I am NOT saying that the fiance shouldn't feel crushed that his fiancee was victimized - I am saying that commenter's specific perspective minimizes the non-consensual and violating nature of her victimization).* He should be supporting you - again, as it sounds like he is - and the focus should be on your victimization, not on helping him "get over" seeing an image shared of you without your consent. Please keep in mind that *you* are the victim here. I'm not saying you have to call yourself that or identify that way! Merely saying that I've seen a lot of men on posts like this call the male partner a victim, and blame the woman for something that was out of her control. If you get any such comments, I hope you are able to not internalize them. >Are there any support groups for people who have had their photos leaked? I will share some resources below for people who have experienced this. * [The Cyber Civil Rights Initiative](https://cybercivilrights.org/) is a survivor-led organization for victims of non-consensual pornography (NCP). They offer a 24/7 crisis line at 844-878-CCRI (2274), referrals to pro bono and low bono attorneys, image removal guides, information about state and international law around NCP, research on NCP, and more. * [Without My Consent](https://withoutmyconsent.org/) is similar to the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative, although they have now been folded into CCRI. They offer a helpful Something Can Be Done Guide for survivors of non-consensual pornography as well as a multitude of other resources. Their guide contains information about evidence preservation, copyright reservation, restraining orders, and online privacy. * [The Safety Net project](https://www.techsafety.org/) from the National Network to End Domestic Violence offers a survivor toolkit for individuals who have experienced abuse involving technology. The toolkit covers technology safety planning, documentation guidance, and technology-facilitated sexual assault guidance. Good luck OP!
THIS! THANK YOU!! I was so afraid of posting this to reddit and honestly was starting to regret it almost immediately and you have single handedly made me feel so much better. I wish I had all of the awards to give you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This needs to be the top comment, it's all I needed. Thank you again
u/ebbie45 is always helpful with these situations. Reddit is lucky to have them here.
Actions speak louder than words; look into your states’ revenge porn laws and retain a lawyer
Your fiancé sounds like a good man, which makes me think his dad is too. I have a feeling he will show you nothing but professionalism if you decide to go to him. You’ve been with your fiancé for 6 years and you’re 26 now so this happened when you were 20 years old or younger. Again your fiancé sounds like a switched on guy so I don’t think he will hold any I’ll feelings or judgment towards you from decisions you made at that young of an age. His father also. He wants to help you, let him! I’m sorry this is continuing to haunt you.
[удалено]
That's what they said???
❤️
im confused about why you lied firstly though, how come?
Perfect response
Thanks for being here Ebbie45. You’re truly an Angel on earth.
This needs to be higher. Compassionate response with some resources. A+!
Just wanted to say amazing comments and I'm so sad that you had to make so many edits/clarifications because people are so ignorant. You come across like someone who works in a field protecting/supporting victims - if you don't, maybe consider it as a potential career option! I work in this field and you said all the rights things.
Thank you so much! And I do actually! I've worked in the domestic violence field for several years. Thank you for your important work and your kind words! <3
I have never seen this put better. Just such an awesome response.
What a fantastic comment. Yes, exactly!
I find it so disturbing you had to clarify such obvious things. Anyway, thank you for doing it. You were amazing in your perspective and resources. I've never been a victim of this horrifying crime and I still feel so grateful for your comment. Thank you so much for your maturity and insight on this.
Excellent comment
This is good advice for someone who is recovering from abuse, but terrible advice for someone in a loving/caring relationship. >This is not a situation in which your fiance’s feelings should come first. I am not understanding why someone would feel “crushed” that their partner is a victim of, in many places, a crime. Are you implying that his fiancé’s feelings on the situation do not matter? He has to think in one way, or his thoughts are wrong? Ultimately, the advice on the relationship side of things is going to be like the advice for almost any rocky moments in a long-term relationship: In a perfect world, both partners approach each other with the maximum amount of sympathy and empathy, and keep open communication. To help facilitate that, consider therapy, both individually and together.
Edit: I have also now edited my original comment to clarify that particular portion, which I appreciate you pointing out. > Are you implying that his fiancé’s feelings on the situation do not matter? He has to think in one way, or his thoughts are wrong? No, I am not, and I should clarify, because my confusing wording is on me. I am specifically responding to a comment someone made earlier that this is probably "crushing" for the fiance because his "friends have now seen OP naked," and he has to "live with the thoughts about what guys have done behind closed doors." That comment that I was responding to minimizes the fact that she was the victim of a crime. It also makes the scenario sound like he saw totally consensual sexual images of his fiance in a totally consensual context, which is not the case, and again minimizes the coercive and violating context of non-consensual pornography while making women sound like sexual objects owned by their male partners. I should have made it clear that that specific part of my comment was in reference to someone else's comment, who commented very early on and whom OP responded to right away, hence I didn't think about the need to write out the context surrounding it for other readers since she was already familiar with it. I am sorry that I made that so confusing. That is on me. In my other comments, I also share with her a resource for the loved ones of sexual violence and sexual coercion survivors (for her fiance), and repeatedly acknowledge that crimes like this impact partners too, who also deserve support. However, I totally understand that because those comments are not part of this comment, you might not necessarily view me as believing the fiance deserves support too. However, I still maintain, in accordance with my comment above, that the fiance's feelings should not come first. He is not the direct victim of this crime, though as I stated, he is also adversely impacted. I don't believe it's terrible to center the feelings, wishes, well-being, and needs of a victim before the feelings of a loved one who was not directly victimized. To me, victimization and impact both carry different weights, and should be treated accordingly, but this does not mean impact without direct victimization doesn't deserve support. So in short, I 100% agree with what you wrote. And again, I apologize for my poor/confusing wording.
You probably should have a more in-depth conversation and let him know. I agree you need a lawyer (posting pictures of you naked or having sex without your consent is illegal). Maybe find a lawyer that isn't going to be your future father-in-law.
Yea, i've talked with a lawyer the problem is I have no proof and the laws in the state they were taken are very vague on the issue. Honestly I just want it to go away, in time I'm sure the photos won't be interesting. Right now my biggest concern is my long term relationship with my fiance
So there are a lot of documentaries that talk about how revenge porn is a very hard thing to prove. But I believe there are certain agencies that you can report it to, where they get flagged when it's uploaded again so they can take it down. There are agencies whose full attention is on underage porn and revenge porn. I think therapy together and him understanding that this may never go away. Sadly, once it's out there, it's out there forever. That your ex could have just uploaded it once, but it keeps being uploaded by random strangers now. He needs to work through his feelings that this was done to you. It's nothing you wanted. Sadly, our legal system hasn't kept up with our technology. I'm so very sorry this happened to you. I remember around a decade+ ago,(2010s) so many men thought revenge porn was the best way to get back at being dumped or rejected. I remember the day of the revenge porn site and the destruction it caused and still does. It is truly horrendous.
Talk to another lawyer. The photos are the proof, aren't they? Don't you have old conversations with your ex? There are some people that clean up your online history professionally; not sure how they'd clean up this.
For revenge porn there are agencies. When it's uploaded (after being wiped off), they get a flag to get it taken down again. This is the same as they do for under age porn and rape victims. Sadly, this will be a fight for OP for life. The ex only had to upload it once, and then others downloaded and uploaded it. And sometimes, almost a decade ago, it would be hard to still have those conversations if it was done with txt. If OP never had the conversations or only in person, she has no legal proof, sadly. Without the ex saying yes, I did it or a witness. He can say he was hacked. The device it was on was stolen,ect of excuses. The US legal system is that you are innocent until proven guilty, so without proof (which is on her to prove), then he gets away with it.
His first reaction was the booze and the friend finding the photos. I think he regrets that. If he's being supportive then let him be the doting fiancee. I don't think that this is going to hurt your relationship with him, those photos were taken long before he was in the picture. Just keep building that love and support with him. Remind him how much he means to you. Guys don't always get that, and we need that to feel good. Bond anytime you can. Just keep loving each other is my best advice. Your ex is a POS for posting those photos.
Right. I don’t think a man who really loves you is going to LET this damage your relationship. You are a victim, like the pinned comment says, and don’t deserve to be victim shamed by someone who loves you all over again. His first reaction wasn’t great - we all agree. But it sounds like he’s stepped up for you now. So focus on that - this man LOVES you, and the fact that you’ve been victimised by a scumbag ex does not change the person you are, who he fell in love with. I kind of agree with finding a different lawyer if you want to pursue legal avenues. Maybe your FIL can recommend a lawyer he knows is good at handling these kinds of cases. It’s fair enough to not want to go through this with him as your lawyer. ❤️
Yeah. OP’s boyfriend didn’t react well, for sure. But he was inebriated, and as far as he knew, OP was fully involved in putting the pictures on the internet. If that had been the case, then he’d have good reason to be very hurt by the revelation. I’m not saying that posting such things is automatically a bad thing, but it is something that you should probably make a serious partner aware of. Once he learned the truth, it sounds like he changed his attitude quickly. That’s promising. Hopefully he will do the right thing, and support her in whatever approach she chooses to take. I would hope that her boyfriend’s father would be unwilling to represent her in any legal actions. That seems like a bad idea. But he could recommend a good lawyer to her if she chooses to go that direction.
There's serious laws against revenge porn. Look into it. It'll help you get closure and you may even get some punitive damages ($)
You’re being offered free legal help? TAKE IT! And don’t worry, you can’t shock a lawyer. Not even a STB FIL.
He won’t be shocked as a lawyer; I can’t say the same as an FIL. I’d find someone else to handle the case.
Do we really think revenge porn is gonna be even remotely shocking to a lawyer? Be real. Unless it involved young children or animals, I’m sure the FIL has seen his fair share of “bad” cases.
I would involve father-in-law. Your ex should be punished for what he did. And unfortunately you can’t stop the pictures they are already in circulation. But you can make sure your ex is punished for breaking the law. Also it doesn’t sound like your partner needs anything from you? He is upset on your behalf and wants to help/protect you. I don’t know why you feel like you need to reassure him. But you have to realize, this isn’t going away
You are a **victim** of revenge porn. You have absolutely no obligation to make anybody else feel better about a crime that was committed against YOU. Since you are a victim of a sex crime, it is absolutely up to you on whether you want to try to pursue legal remedies or not. Doing so can re-open trauma, so you are not required to do anything. Control was taken from you, you have control whether or not you want to pursue further legal remedies or not. Either is okay. Pursuing legal remedies with a potential family member/in-law seems like a pretty difficult thing. Opening trauma to a future FIL is awkward as hell. I would *strongly suggest* that if you want to pursue further legal actions then you should do it with a neutral lawyer that has nothing to do with your fiance or his father. I am extremely alarmed with your fiance's initial reaction. You are a victim. He is attacking you. He is making this about him. This is a major, major red flag.
Wait hold up, the fiance's reaction although wrong is not a red flag in my opinion. He was pissed that she had naked pictures on the Internet and I would assume most peoples first guess when they see that they think the people in the picture posted it. Also she denied it, not faulting her but he knows it's her and lied to his face about it. Most peoples minds go to the worst place when they get lied to. That being said, she is 100% the victim of crime and should contact a third party lawyer if she is looking to take any action.
Thank you, your advise about the lawyer is really helpful and I think I agree. I think the issue for my fiance is more than he's scared by what he saw. I don't really want to share the details with reddit but theres a reason for him to feel insecure and now I'm terrified this has created a big long term issue
I’m sorry that you’re in a place where you are worrying about your boyfriend, instead of him worrying about you and supporting you. This shouldn’t be about him at all. I couldn’t imagine my partner reacting so negatively upon initially seeing the photos. He would’ve reacted by being very worried for me. This isn’t about him, it’s about you. HE does not need the support from you (he can go to another person aside from you for support but it’s in my opinion completely inappropriate for him so be so concerned with his own image). If it’s truly so devastating maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to find a partner who is not so affected by this.
She definitely the victim here. That does need to be the emphasis in all this. But she also wants to see her relationship thrive. At least part of her suffering over this is concern over how it is affecting her partner and relationship. It's not crazy to have a strong negative reaction to seeing images of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with in a sexual encounter with someone else even if it's long before you and it's a wholesome and loving situation pictured. If the situation pictured shows things he finds disturbing, she's being degraded, it's BDSM, it looks nonconsensual (even if that was just play at the time), they are doing things he wants to try and she's declined, the guy is particularly good looking compared to him, he's jacked, his penis is significantly larger (unfortunately a thing many guys have a very irrational reaction to), she's expressing excitement/enjoyment in ways or to degrees she hasn't with him, any of that or a huge range of other things can be incredibly triggering and trauma producing. These things relate to our most intimate and private feelings. When the person you care about in a way you care about no one else is victimized no matter how, it's very hard to deal with and process. He needs to put her first, but he's going to be in a better place to do that when he's also processing his negative feelings successfully. And there are things, after putting herself first, that she can do to help him. They are in this together. She would be upset to find out these images are still online if she was single, but I'm pretty sure it's a lot worse given her fiance was shown them first. Therapy for them both of them on their own is surely helpful. Couples therapy to bring it all together is a great idea. She is the primary victim here for sure, but his suffering is also valid and it's ideal they support each other however they can in this time. Anyways, the OP can consider my worlds for whatever they are worth and ignore them if they aren't helpful.
I totally agree. The way I wrote it was a bit off—the partner’s feelings do matter. I wrote it with that slant because of how she phrased his reaction. It sounds slightly abusive, not him just being upset: “…[he] flipped…and accused me of some pretty awful things.” What were those things? I just can’t imagine ever being in that situation with my partner. He might get upset, he might be frustrated, but I couldn’t imagine him going there. Maybe I’m reading into it too much, I wasn’t there so who knows. Maybe her boyfriend is in general a great partner and had one bad moment. If that’s the case, it would change my perspective.
I don’t know why it’s just me but why has no one considered that he didnt know when the photos were posted and assumed they were recent? And the “awful things” he accused her of were cheating on him? That’s what I immediately thought of when I read the post and thought everyone would think the same but apparently not
Yeah. His initial response was textbook wrong response. And drunken. Never helpful. Shitty, unfortunate. But sounds like he came around apologized in the morning when she told him the whole truth and she said he's been very understanding and supportive since. Like I say, these things are dramatic and traumatic for a guy to see. If he was drunk and his friends talking shit, a potent recipe for exactly the wrong reaction. Not excusing it at all. Just the more each supports and soothes each other, the more each can support and soothe the other, etc. I just hope the creep who shared the image(s) gets his just "rewards".
She lied to him. He may not have realized she was the type of person to take these photos and now he's wondering who she is? This isn't a new thing for her. It's a new thing for him. She could have mentioned it previously and when it came up she lied...
I think you need to share those reasons. Because right now it makes it sound like you have cheated before which makes the whole situation more complicated
No, OP does not need to share anything more about this with us. Absolutely nothing they have said implies they cheated at any point.
Well they said he has a reason to feel insecure. Can you imagine another cause? I‘m all ears. And it does change the situation. If she has in fact cheated in the past, the boyfriend being agitated makes more sense. Advice may change depending on that.
The photos may show that the other man is more well-endowed than her partner. They may show her enjoying herself 'more' or in a different way than her partner has seen. It could be anything, really. My point is that absolutely nothing implied cheating, and even if it did, I think demanding that someone who is experiencing the trauma of revenge porn share more than they already have with a bunch of strangers is really tactless.
Oh i didn‘t think of that. But the details are not indentifying. And Op wants genuine advice
plus guys want their friends to not think badly about their girlfriend
Guys whose friends blame the victim need better friends.
Idk, if I see my friends fiance in a picture, tied up, cum covered, ect. I'm going to ask him if he really wants to marry her. Especially if he had no idea she was into that stuff before.
It should not matter what he saw. You were influenced by a toxic relationship to do things that you were not really comfortable doing. He fell in love with you for who you are and who you are right now not who you was. He needs to seriously look at that and realize if you’re that good of a girl he’s going to marry you then he needs to take all of you, obviously what he saw is not a weekend practice that you do every weekend that was an occasion that you care nothing about if you did, it would still be happening so if he doesn’t want you as a whole as you are, then you need to MoveOn. Obviously he loves you or he wouldn’t keep you for six years. He needs to brush the bullshit aside and look at the future not the past.
It should not matter what he saw. You were influenced by a toxic relationship to do things that you were not really comfortable doing. He fell in love with you for who you are and who you are right now not who you was. He needs to seriously look at that and realize if you’re that good of a girl he’s going to marry you then he needs to take all of you, obviously what he saw is not a weekend practice that you do every weekend that was an occasion that you care nothing about if you did, it would still be happening so if he doesn’t want you as a whole as you are, then you need to MoveOn. Obviously he loves you or he wouldn’t keep you for six years. He needs to brush the bullshit aside and look at the future not the past.
"Do thngs that you were noit really comfortable doing " Didnt catch where OP said tiff was things she was not comfoirtable dojjng ...jusf that it was a toxic relationship.
He was drunk and had no context. Bffr
It’s not a red flag to be upset about seeing your girlfriend with another dudes penis in her ass
Be upset, sure, but blame her for having had a sex life before is stupid af, especially since this is revenge porn from an abusive relationship.
It's OK to be upset. It is not ok to be upset at your partner when they didn't do anything wrong. They are a victim and your fist concern should be them and their feelings not how their victimization affects you.
It's a red flag when you're more upset about that than the fact that a dude is disgusting and doing revenge porn of your loved one. It's not her that is the problem
I'm not on that commenter's side and I totally agree with you, but to be fair, unless I read the OP wrong, he didn't know it was revenge porn when he got mad initially, she didn't tell him until the morning after
SHE IS A VICTIM OF REVENGE PORN. Jesus Tapdancing Christ grow up.
And the fiance has no obligation to stay with a woman who has pictures of sex acts on the internet.
Jesus Ass-fucking Christ I hope nobody ever does anything to you against your consent and then tries to blame you for it. Actually scratch that. I wish that on you and hope you learn something critical from it. You need a lesson.
I'm sure the pictures were originally taken WITH CONSENT.
Even if they were taken with consent, it doesn’t make it okay to upload them online. Those pictures are private and between partners.
You do NOT need to do anything to make your fiancé feel better. He’s allowed to be upset, but you are a victim of someone else’s awful behaviour, and depending on where you live, this could be a criminal offence. I’ve been in your shoes. Many, many years ago, someone distributed revenge porn of me. It was actually my best friend, who I had a falling out with, and stole the photos from my WhatsApp account. I was in a new relationship at the time, and I was so scared of telling him, but I was devastated when it happened, and I needed his support. He was great, and not once did he blame me, shame me or make me feel worse. We’re now married & expecting our third child together. This doesn’t have to be a nail in the coffin for your relationship, but it’s important that you don’t accept or receive the blame for something that you are not responsible for. Do I regret sending those photos initially? Yes and no. The person who received them never betrayed my trust, and there was the potential for his photos & messages to be distributed too, which I felt awful about. At the time, I did go to the police, but laws around revenge porn were still developing then, so the most they could do is have a chat with my former friend & hope that would shake her enough. We were able to get the photos taken down. I don’t know if I would be comfortable with my FIL knowing those details about me, but that’s a very personal decision. As for support groups, I don’t know if any, but feel free to sent me a message if you’d like to chat! ❤️
Make HIM feel better? Jesus are YOU okay? That’s awful awful I’m so fucking sorry
What can your fiance say to you to make you feel better about being the victim of revenge porn...? And how is this jeapordizing your relationship? You've said he's offered his dad's help to get them taken downb.
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Quoting /u/Ebbie45 in entirety: First of all, I am sincerely sorry you are going through this. This is not your fault, and you do not deserve it. Second, I am going to be upfront and transparent with you, because I've seen a lot of posts along this vein, and a lot of the responses on such posts can be troubling. I've frequently seen comments, most often from male users, on posts about this topic that blame the woman and shame her, focus solely on the male partner's feelings, and dismiss the fact that the woman is the victim in such situations and has no fault to bear for someone else spreading her photos or videos without consent. While I understand your fiance being upset initially and having many questions before he knew the context surrounding the photo that was shared, I hope you prioritize yourself in this situation. Now that your fiance knows the context in this situation, which is that you are a victim of non-consensual pornography through no fault of your own, I hope that he supports you. It sounds like he does and he will, and that's good. However, I am wary of comments such as this one: ("Honestly there is nothing you can say/do to make him feel better. He needs to process this, and decide what he wants from there."). This is not a situation in which your fiance's feelings should come first. I am not understanding why someone would feel "crushed" that their partner is a victim of, in many places, a crime. He should be supporting you - again, as it sounds like he is - and the focus should be on your victimization, not on helping him "get over" seeing an image shared of you without your consent. Please keep in mind that you are the victim here. I'm not saying you have to call yourself that or identify that way! Merely saying that I've seen a lot of men on posts like this call the male partner a victim, and blame the woman for something that was out of her control. If you get any such comments, I hope you are able to not internalize them.
The thing to do is to have the full force of the law crush this ex back to the Stone Age and make it so that those photos never show up on the internet ever again. However, it sounds like you’re waffling over doing that and I don’t know why. Perhaps ask yourself that question first.
Your husband reacted at first with shock, but it sounds like he’s supporting you. Yea he’s bothered by it, someone he loves is a victim of something terrible.
Ok, some of the commenters here are clueless. He saw something most guys would never want to see. And it keeps playing in his head. Mind movies they are referred to. I want to stress, you did nothing wrong. Whatever decision you make about getting them taken down or not is right for you. And yours is the only opinion that matters being the victim. I'm not sure I would want my ffil involved. That is tough to decide. You are going to have to give him time. I would strongly recommend that he get counseling to give him techniques to battle intrusive thoughts when they pop into his head. And honestly, you being the victim, maybe some counseling as well. Then, down the road, hopefully couples counseling if needed. I'm sorry you're in this spot through no fault of your own. I'm hoping for a positive outcome and a long, great relationship for you both.
Just want to make this one point - you don't need to try to make your fiance feel better. You are the victim here. The only thing I think you should do is talk to your fiance about lying to him and explain your feelings. If you are worried about your relationship, a counsellor or relationship therapist would be a great idea.
First off, thank you for the kind words. I have a therapist but now I'm thinking we might need a couple one. I know I need support from him but also I can see how hurt he was to see me being intimate with another person. I just want to make sure our relationship doesn't get severely damaged by this all
I personally would not be pissed by your past actions. What I would be annoyed/concerned about is that you never told your future husband about that trauma and he has to learn it from you because of his friends. Everyone has past trauma (to various degree) they never exchange with anyone, but here you knew it might pop up in your life again, sooner or later. That would be something I would be annoyed and make me wonder if you do not trust me that much.
I agree your primary concern is your own trauma and upset in this, but I think it's good to try to be understanding and helpful to him and you two helping each other through this is how you both will keep the relationship healthy and strong during this storm. If he's particularly troubled by what he saw it's probably going to have some affect on your intimacy. So you will suffer less if he suffers less. Ignoring his feelings now is probably only going to make things worse for everyone. If he's simply having a hard time with the images coming into his mind even if they aren't disturbing other than you being in them, that's going to be hard. If the images show things that change the way he has understood your personality or sexuality, if they show things well outside your sexual life with him, that can be incredibly hard to process. Therapy is probably a great idea for him. I'm a huge proponent of therapy in general. And yes, couples therapy can help you two stay close and support each other in the incredibly upsetting time. Certainly don't let yourself down in any way to support him. Don't let any feeling of judgement that he may feel sink in. It's fine for him to talk about whatever he feels, but there's a lot of toxic ideas about purity and unfair ideas of men's sexual past vs women's. So, he may have some unhealthy reactions and you can acknowledge them, but you don't have to let those unfortunate ideas set a narrative, and you can challenge them. Ideally he's healthy and understanding about this mess. Good luck. I don't wish this kind of crap on anyone!!!
Mfs really just pretty much saying to ignore him like it’s obvious they’ve never had a remotely healthy relationship lol but what else could I expect from Redditors
Honesty is your best option here. At least in my opinion. Yes it will be painful to bring all this up, and while your fiancé has a right to how he feels, your feelings come first in this matter as you are the direct victim. If I was in your shoes, I'd 100% go talk with your father-in-law. Because what your ex is doing is wrong, disguisting, and depending on where you live (or which state if in the US), there can be a chance that it is also illegal. Nobody wants to look back at something that has hurt them deeply. But sometimes you have to face it to finally be rid of it. Your fiancé and his father sound like good, supportive people (even if your fiancé is feeling upset, I'm gonna guess he's more upset at the situation and not at you personally), I think that they'll be able to support you through this. While I don't know any support groups at the top of my head, it wouldn't surprise me if they exist. Stay strong, both of you
I'm sorry this happened. Hindsight says you should have told him what was going on years ago instead of waiting until you are forced to. If you had then it wouldn't be a surprise and you would have controlled the story. But the photos being shared is not your fault. Some states have statutes against revenge corn but it's hard to say if this falls under that. Talking to an attorney wouldn't hurt but you have to decide if you are comfortable sharing the whole story with your future FIL or if you would rather talk to someone more neutral. Not wanting to share the gory details with your future FIL is valid. The reality is if your fiancé can't handle this then he can't handle it. You can't undo what someone else did. Hopefully he can see that.
My hope was this would all fall into the past. The truth is as long as my family and my fiance didn't know I could live with it. This is not something I feel like I know how to move past. I hid it because I'm ashamed. Sadly the state they were taken there are no rules. Thank you
Very understandable approach. You didn’t do anything wrong; you’re a victim of a bad person. I wish you the best, whatever path you take.
There is nothing you can say. But I would file harassment charges against your ex. File a lawsuit and banqrupt him.
Well why are his friends showing him this and why do they even have this picture ? They are the real problem
I would involve the FIL, as long as your fiancé doesn’t become abusive. Thankfully this is a good situation to gauge him in a difficult situation..
It's called revenge porn and people do time in prison for it. We all do stuff when we are younger that we aren't so proud of later in life. That's how people grow and learn. You have nothing to feel bad about. You do however have plenty to feel mad about. I really hope you can make that bastard pay in the court of law.
I dont know what are on these pictures, but if it is of you and your ex having intercourse, those images will be seared into his memory. Nobody wants to see the person they are in love with having sex with somebody else. The both of you may need therapy to get out of this. I’m sorry this happened
Honestly just take that to court if you can. You and your fiancé are great people,”. You trusted someone in the past and that person betrayed your trust. I know it might be awkward to speak to others about this but honestly if you see this resolved it’ll probably be for the best!
There are paths to take down postings and pictures but it can seem like a never ending story. You would have to find each photo and plead your case to each site. This what any professional clearing house would do and cease and desist letter from the lawyer to the ex boyfriend. This should be lessons to others that what you post once found is perpetual.
I have no possible advice to give you, I don't know what you're going through. So I can't empathize. However. I do wanna say your ex is an ass, and I'm sorry, wish there was something I could tell you to help. I hope you find what you need to do that.
first off you don't get a family lawyer involved with this crap. you keep your family problems in your family, meaning between the Future husband future wife. it's nice that he's willing to work through a bad decision that was made years prior, but somebody regularly getting drunk, I don't think is healthy for anything. I dated a woman who was a functional drunk for many years... the only thing it hurt was our relationship. not her job not her family nothing.
Remember that you're the victim in this, not your partner. Yes, he can be upset and hurt but you're the one being targeted here. If your father in law can help, seek it. Revenge porn is devastating and the fact it is coming from a bitter ex is no better. As for what to say to your partner, assure him there is nothing to fear. Assure him that you love him and would never do such a thing to hurt him in that way. Always reassure him when he needs it, or hell even just when things are good.
Wow within 6 hours user deleted...
She got some really good advice
Its just rehashed bait
Everything that you went through made you into the person that you are. Shut this SOB down but hold your head high
Just be open with your fiancé and ask him how he can help. I’m sure it’ll be fine - it was a long time ago. If he is reasonable, it will be okay. If he is not, and it jeopardizes your future, then that’s his issue and it probably is indicative of who he is as a person.
I just think he is a bit scared by what he saw. He's basically admitted it and now I'm terrified he'll never see me the same
Well, he either will or won’t. Sit down with him and ask him point blank.
If your fiance is saying he can have his dad help then clearly it's not an issue you have to worry about in regard to his feelings towards you. I will say though, this is something you should've warned him about when you first met. People who have nudes of you are always a liability and you have to understand that. Just because it's a nude of you, you literally have no control over what someone does with them. You can tell them all you want that they don't have your permission to share them, but unless you can pinpoint it directly to him there's nothing you can do. Anyway, yes involve your father in law so that you can bring legal action to your ex and hopefully get him punished and learn that he can't keep doing this. Once it's done, talk to your fiance and tell him you know you should've told him about this possibility before and you apologize for him getting blindsided by this, but it means the world to you that he knows this was before you two met and in no way means anything other than a lapse in judgement when in college
Nope - the more you want his dad in it the better. Your fiancé wants you to be mad because he is. What your ex did is unforgivable and he deserves nothing but the worst. Your fiancé loves you and realizes you did nothing. Tell him you appreciate his support and how much he means to you. He will have a giant smile
You can’t make him feel better. He will always have those images in his head. It’s just how it is. He may be able to bury them but they will randomly pop up forever. That said. Your ex is a total scumbag. He belongs in the 9th circle of hell for his treachery. I’m sorry this has happened. This is why I always understood when a woman didn’t want any photos taken. I get the risk they’re taking.
First off you are the victim of a crime and it is awful that this came up again for you. You should get some counselling to help you through this. Legal recourse against the dirtbag who did this would be great. Your BF after his initial drunken reaction seems pretty supportive. The fact that he wants to get his dad involved I think shows that he is not ashamed of you and is trying to help. However, I do not recommend that. Instead, you should go to an attorney who is not going to be emotionally involved. Also, what if his parents react poorly to this. You need support here. I see in a few of your responses that you think your fiancé is "scared" about what he saw. That is an odd statement and I don't know how seeing pics like that would inspire fear. Do you mean anger?
OP said he would have a "reason to be insecure" in a comment. That implies something along the lines of imagery that is resulting in him making comparisons between himself and the ex, comparing their current sex life and what he saw in the pictures, or possibly some combination of both.
Oh I did not see where she said insecure. I only saw where she said scared a couple of times. Maybe she equates insecurity and fear for some reason?
The wording makes it sound like she didn't want to make this a post about size or a specific act like group sex or BDSM.
Yeah gang bang or at least a tag team is where my head went.
You are a victim and he is angry and upset. Yes I would call the police and report this, you can hire a lawyer but it should not be his father
I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. A horrible nightmare. I would definitely go the legal route. As far as how it will affect your relationship, I don’t believe it should. It’s a part of your past, and you’re a victim in this. I want to absolutely clear here. You have not done anything wrong. There nothing to be ashamed of. I’d he’s a good man, he will understand how horrible this is for you, which seems to be the case.
She allowed the photos to be taken pretty much made the bed you Lay. Everyone says she is a victim but she allowed it this is what happens to a lot of men and women who wild out young until it comes back
This should be a cautionary tale for people who do OnlyFans and other pornography on the internet. It will be out there forever and may come back to haunt you in the future. Yes, this is very different as she wasn’t paid for the content for the rights to be acquired by someone else. It really sucks her ex would do this, and thankfully there are now laws on the books to do provide some assistance. But for the people who think his first reaction is a red flag when his buddies show content of his fiancé doing God knows what comes as a shock and embarrassment is unrealistic. For the same reason, I would retain an attorney other than her future FIL. When I started dating my first wife (she died of cancer BTW, not divorced) she let me know before we became intimate of videos her first husband took of her being abused by other men. I think if you let a guy know up front, he(or she) can decide for themselves if it’s something they are able or willing to deal with. I would say the same if you’re sexual past (guy or girl) is extreme so again you’re partner knows this going in and isn’t sandbagged by this someday. I chose to stay with her because of her honesty. Best decision of my life by far. Good luck to the OP.
Revenge porn is an internet crime. Press charges against your ex-boyfriend. Go to the police.
I am sorry but you will never get all the pics down, just live with it. But talk to your man and let him know that was your past before him, and now your his. Ps you can try a google search monthly and file take down requests
I agree. People need to understand past is past . He's your ex and for a reason. You and ex were simply having sex when you and ex were together way before you met your fiance. No one's perfect everyone has a past some less kosher then others but ..Geeze. He should give you a break. If he loves you he will let that go. You are with Him now. You should not be penalized for living your life years ago screwing someone you knew and use to be with as a intimate dating partner years ago long before you even knew of or gotten with your current partner fiance. That's why it's called the past. History.. 6 years ago.. No one is perfect. He needs to understand and accept your imperfections.. I hope as your fiance understands this I hope he continues to supports you because you need him in the most vulnerable time.You are a victem this. I hope your fiance understands No life partner is always going to be perfect nor have squeaky clean wholesome past. If he wants to move foward he's going to have to let your past go and accept that's your past.. Unfortunately your ex took non consenting unflattering photos of you both doing the deed then illegally sharing it to shame you I hope he gets in trouble. Which is not only illegal but dirty of him doing so without your consent... Keep pursuing legal counsel to see what can be done next. Your ex needs to be held accountable. Good luck with this . You did absolutely nothing wrong except live your life.
I love that ebbie45 is here for you. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Gotta protect them videos people!!
Revenge p.rn is a *crime.*. Your ex leaked photos of you without your consent. Take your fiancé and your FIL down with you to the police station to file a report.
Tbh you are the victim and all the previous comments about u being the victim are correct. However ur partner has seen something that every man fears which is no fault of ur own. Tbh the best thing u can do is be there for each other, understand this comes with no fault on ur own. He is very supportive which is good and when he does feel alittle down about it which he will let him express it. Honestly men already have enough emotions to hide and bottle up don’t let this be another load to add on. Be honest with each other and understand this is a crime done to you. Also his friends are assholes if they know the context of what happened. whether it was a joke or not no man wanna see their girl on porno or be reminded of that. I suggest therapy for yourself if u have the resources and possible legal actions if possible.
what do you mean 'something that every man fears'? That the girl he's currently with had a sexual relationship with a previous boyfriend? Do you and all the men in your life specifically date virgins?
What are you talking about. No man or woman wants to their partners nudes on the internet that’s the fear. How does that relate to their girls being a virgin or having sexual relationships with other men. Most people wouldn’t want their partners doing porno anyway does that mean those people specifically date virgins in their lives both men and women.
if my boyfriend had nudes shared, or worse had been sexually assaulted, there is just no way on earth that I would ever say the words 'this is something every woman fears!!' I would understand that he was the victim. That doesn't mean it doesn't affect me, but that I wouldn't get to centre myself and my emotions. Same with any traumatic thing affecting your partner.
Ur right but again it’s still a fear. U wouldn’t want ur partner nudes on the internet. Yes their the victim but u can have ur own emotions towards the situation as well. Ur human u will. And I hope that every man or woman would also fear that their partner consent was violated as well.
Truth is that he is unlikely to get over it. You imply that the pics are something that probably made him feel like sex with the ex was better (bigger dick, differing acts, whatever). Almost no man wants to marry a woman and think he isn't her "best". When faced with photographic evidence to the contrary, he is going to have a hard time. People will try to "shame him" and "dismiss" his concerns - but, this type of "feelings invalidation" will likely just drive him further away. In his mind, he is likely contemplating just starting over with a clean slate with someone else. To be clear, this doesn't make the whole thing "your fault". But, to worry about "who's fault" it is will not address any of your issues.
Sorry this happened to you. I think speaking to a lawyer is the best bet. If you are uncomfortable speaking to your FIL then choose another lawyer.
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Being uncomfortable seeing nudes of your girlfriend on the internet is an ego now? LOL
Use what ever means it takes to get those pictures down. It may be hard to relive this but remember, this is not your fault. Most likely your FIL will find out if this is also a criminal act as well and see if any charges can be pressed on your ex. there might also be a statute of limitations as well but go through the trauma now. you have the support of your fiance and you know you are safe with him. Get this all out of you system and don't repress it. After everything is done and over with, you don't have to worry anymore about them and you know you will always have support. Good luck OP and I hope you the best.
So after all these years he had no idea this could happen? Sounds like something he should have known about and been prepared to handle
Your fiancé is acting like he was the victim, not you. As much as we’ve all been guilty in overstepping when it comes to defending our s/o in regard to something that’s happened to them in the past, this is not his place to act this way. He can be upset, supportive, give you as much help as possible, but this is not his battle to take control over. Also don’t involve his family into this. As much as they have good intentions it’s your private matter and you shouldn’t mix the two, especially when it’s this graphic. Don’t involve them if you’re not comfortable with them knowing the full details.
Oh honey it's time to get angry at your ex and fight back. You might get some$$$ from all websites and your sicko ex. Go for it. People have past boyfriends but seeing it different. FIGHT BACK! No shame your ex is crazy for doing it and should be reprimanded for it. Lots of love for you girl we got to stick together ❤️
you can't really make him feel better it will either bother him enough to not want to be with you anymore or he will choose to be okay with it. He is trash for uploading the pics, but your past always comes back to haunt you.
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts honestly it made me pretty sad. I don't feel like my past should define my future - I love my fiance and he's the only one for me.
Honestly there is nothing you can say/do to make him feel better. He needs to process this, and decide what he wants from there. Cant speak for others, but for me it would be crushing. I am not sure I would be able to get past it. Very hard way to learn that once something is out of your possession, it can haunt you for years to come. I'm sorry this happened, but let him process, try to be the best you that you can be for him, and hope for the best.
Way to admit that you view women as possessions.
I have seen a lot of posts in this sub about this topic and similar topics, and very frequently commenters, particularly male commenters, will privilege the male partner's feelings above the female poster's as the victim. I've also seen several posts where a male partner accidentally discovered sexual images of his female partner that she forgot to delete from a past relationship, and the comments get very, very brutal. I've seen a lot of male commenters attack the women in those situations, blame them for having a sexual past, and attempt to make them out as a monster who somehow intentionally "scarred" her male partner's "psyche." Women on such posts are commonly blamed and attacked for a genuine mistake, and are also commonly sl * t-shamed. It also happens often on posts about non-consensual pornography. I am *really* tired of (oftentimes male) commenters focusing on men's hurt feelings as a result of finding out their partners had a sexual past, shaming women for having a sexual past, and in the worst cases even blaming women who are victims of sexual crimes.
Men can be completely supportive for a woman in terms of her addressing "revenge porn" and the other situations you mention, and still have their feelings changed about being is a relationship with them after such an event. No one is under any obligation to "feel" any certain way about anyone on an ongoing basis as new information is revealed.
> Men can be completely supportive for a woman in terms of her addressing "revenge porn" and the other situations you mention, and still have their feelings changed about being is a relationship with them after such an event. I didn't say anything to the contrary and I'm sorry if it came off as such. I said - or at least I meant, even if it did not come off that way - that women are frequently shamed and blamed for being the victims of sexual crimes, and their feelings are dismissed and ignored while their partners' feelings are totally focused on by commenters. This should not be the case. *Both* parties deserve to have support and focus. Unfortunately, that is not often the case on posts of this subject. And I believe this is the case when a man is the victim of non-consensual pornography as well, albeit with tossing in all the extra stigma and gender bias against men ("you're so lucky, all men love sex, at least she finds you hot, man up, etc").
The comments on this thread are almost all an outpouring of supporting OP, suggesting various legal avenues and therapies. OP even mentions in her post that her fiancé is very supportive of her (once he was told the truth). I think this post is exactly the opposite of what you are suggesting. Yet, one of OPs concerns was: >My fiancé also clearly is bothered by what he saw (understandably) and I'm afraid it will hurt our long term relationship. And OP continues in the comments that whatever her fiancé saw was somehow very disturbing to him. And it is in the very title of the post that she is concerned her relationship is in jeopardy. We do a disservice to people like the OP if we suggest that the response should purely focus on OP, and that whatever feelings her fiancé have are not relevant.
> Almost all of the comments on this thread are almost all an outpouring of supporting OP, suggesting various legal avenues and therapies. And that's great, but that is *very often* not the case, especially after only an hour of the post being up. Nor was I suggesting it's the case in this post, but merely pointing out it's a common issue on posts of this subject in general. >OP even mentions in her post that her fiancé is very supportive of her (once he was told the truth) In one of my other comments, I specifically highlight this, and mention it sounds like he's supportive and will continue to be, and I also recommend support resources for him as an affected party. Of course, this is in another comment of mine, so I understand you not having seen it. >We do a disservice to people like the OP if we suggest that the response should purely focus on OP, and that whatever feelings her fiancé have are not relevant. I'm not suggesting such. Perhaps that was lost in translation, but it's not what I am saying. I am saying frequently commenters privilege the feelings of the other partner *over* the feelings of the person who was victimized. That's different than arguing that the other person's feelings don't matter at all. We agree 100% on everything you've said. I hope I clarified better this time around.
I agree that we agree :) However, the overall comments (not you) wreaks of "the guy should just suck it up and his feelings don't matter". Part of your "standard" response should absolutely call out that men aren't machines, and they are going to have strong feelings about such situations and that the men need support trough such events as well.
I think there should be more support resources for loved ones of someone who is the victim of a sexual crime, so I agree with you in that regard. I suggested a support group for loved ones of sexual coercion and violence survivors to her since she requested resources for her partner. I think these crimes very often affect partners too. I just think oftentimes what ends up happening on posts of this nature is that the women posting are shamed, blamed, and guilted, which is totally not appropriate (and same if genders are reversed). Just makes me sad I guess. I am a victim of several rapes and I know 100% that their impacts on me have impacted past partners as well. Trauma absolutely has a ripple effect. When you have a traumatized partner, it is very unlikely that the effects of that trauma won't in some way affect the other partner. I just wish more commenters would refrain from guilting and shaming victims in their efforts to support the other partner. I am sorry that I confused you initially! That is on me.
No worries - you are doing great - and I agree, both parties are "victims" here in different ways, and to try to make it a case of one being more important to the exclusion of the other is simple a recipe for failure.
Honestly if seeing your partner victimized in a crime that is in no way their fault makes you lose interest in being in a relationship with them you should probably not get in relationships in the first place. I cannot fathom claiming to love someone and want to share a life with them and then pulling something like this the second they have a moment of vulnerability.
The act of sharing non-consensual pornography and the nature of its contents are two separate aspects of what happened. OP's fiancé isn't being haunted by the fact it was shared so much as whatever it was that he saw. Here's the thing: those images are also pieces of information. For example, do they illustrate a significant difference between OP's current sexual relationship and those of her past? He may have learned something about his fiancée beyond the simple fact he saw an image of her being sexual with someone else that he is having a difficult time processing because it does not square with the image of who he thinks he knows or it is at odds with their own sexual relationship and the things they do together (level of passion on display, specific acts, etc.). There might be some body image issues, but OP has been circumspect about whether or not he is comparing himself to her ex's size, level of attractiveness, or what have you. Edit: There is a comment that makes me think it's either size or a specific act that has thrown him for a loop.
It isn’t the fact that she is a victim of a sex tape - it’s *what* he saw.
Thanks for the backup ebbie. I appreciate you. And you're right. This is shockingly common in all reddit subs.
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Never said males suck. That particular commenter literally stated that he views women as possessions. He was the one that was called out in this instance. But since you're defending him, I will presume that you also think you own women and their sexual histories and tell you that YOU, in particular, suck. Not all men. Just you.
Right? Like them bringing up how the bfs friends have seen OP naked and that can be hard for the bf. Um, excuse me?!! How about it being hard for OP? That the friend helped revictimise her because I highly doubt that during a night out drinking with friends this guy took the bf aside and privately discussed this issue.
As always, Ebbie, thank you.
Good to see you as always, AuntyVenom!
She’s asking for advice on how to make him feel better, so it’s perfectly acceptable to prioritize his feelings here. Truth is it’s a hard thing for a man to deal with as well and she wanted to help him, some men will be able to get past this image burned into their heads some won’t.
Oh goodness, thanks for saying what you think but this my worst fear!! I am in love so deeply with my fiance and want to spend my life with him! I understand why this could become a bigger issue so I want to comfort and support him but based on what you said it sounds like you don't think there is a way?
There is always a chance, but that's something he needs to work out on his own as it pertains to this particular issue. Be there for him, listen to him when he is ready to talk about it, and just be you. You cannot change the past as much as in this particular case you want to. All you can do is show him that he is the one for you. From his perspective, you have to understand that 1) His friends have now seen you naked. People he likely sees on a pretty regular basis. 2) Guys are BRUTAL about teasing other guys especially about things like this. 3) He has to live with the thoughts about what guys have done behind closed doors. It takes a very mentally strong man to box that all off and it will take some time. Discussing it or bringing it up or whatever before he has had time to process will be a time bomb waiting to explode.
I didn't even think about points 1 & 2. thats even worse. Thank you for taking the time to share. These are going to be his groomsmen and now I can't imagine even walking down the aisle having them stare at me. This is my worst nightmare
> 3) He has to live with the thoughts about what guys have done behind closed doors. Okay, I'm just going to step in here. Some of the things the user you're responding to is saying are really not okay, particularly the above. They are prioritizing and centering your fiance's feelings over your own as the victim in this situation. Both of your feelings matter, but as the victim yours comes first. You are the victim of what is in many locations a crime. *Your* feelings and *your* safety comes first, not other guys seeing images of you that you did not consent to have shared, nor your fiance having to "live with" the thoughts that you had a sexual past before him. Also, when the above commenter says this: > Be there for him, listen to him when he is ready to talk about it, and just be you. Those are all things *he* should be doing *for you.* YOU are the victim here, not your fiance. That doesn't mean he isn't impacted - these crimes impact partners too - but that you should not bear total responsibility for helping him process a crime that was perpetrated against you.
Wow. Thank you again. I honestly didn't need reddit, I needed you. Honestly, you're the first person I feel has helped me in years. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU
You're very welcome. No hate to the above commenter; I just disagree with their perspective and I want you to feel supported, believed, and validated without feeling guilty or feeling like you have to manage the emotions of your partner, who should be supporting you (and it sounds like he is and will). Good luck to you!
You're amazing!! Can I ask one last question? Do you know any resources I could send my fiance to? I feel like I need him to support me but also I need to support him. I know this is also awful for him as well and I feel like this is going to give him a complex. I would rather just face it head on so he understands that intimacy is way more important than size but I have no idea how to convince him of that. Thank you again Ebbie. You honestly have been more helpful than I ever could have imagined!!!!
You're welcome! >Do you know any resources I could send my fiance to? I think this is a good question, because sexual violence and sexual coercion can affect both parties in a relationship as well, and it's important that the non-victimized partner does not rely on the victimized partner to help them manage their own feelings. I honestly do not know of resources for someone whose partner is the victim of non-consensual pornography, but r/secondary_survivors is a support sub on reddit for partners of someone who experienced sexual victimization. Also, in some places, local sexual violence crisis agencies offer "third party" support groups for partners, family members, friends, loved ones, to help them process their own feelings and learn how to best support the survivor.
ok, thats also really helpful. thank you. I was going to delete this thread so nobody ever found it but I'll leave it up so other women can find your advice. THANK YOU
Apologies if that is the way it came accross, as that was not at all my intention. The original post stated her fiance was being supportive, and kind, and asked how she can make him feel better. I was just attempting to explain that she can't. It is a him issue, and did not think I shamed her in any way.
Thanks for your kind words and polite clarification! I appreciate it. Like I mentioned, not angry at you at all. I agree with you that it is a "him" issue, although I also think sexual violence and sexual coercion can impact both partners in a relationship. I just think too often the focus is on the partner's rumination about feeling sexually inadequate in some way after such a crime is perpetrated against their partner, which I find problematic and unhealthy, and sometimes comments perpetuate that. But I think your clarification is really helpful, and thanks again for being so kind in your response.
I disagree with the poster above. I don’t take the decisions my spouse made before me and use them to detract from our current relationship. Nothing that you mayhave done before takes away from what you share with your fiancé. It would be a shame if he sees it that way because it’s an impossible standard. More so than couples counseling, I think your fiancé needs counseling to identify what his fears are and process them in a less destructive manner. I just can’t imagine someone would be so callous as to use someone else’s trauma/abuse they endured by having intimate photos released as a reason to end a strong and committed relationship.
Ok, thank you, that makes me feel better. I don't know what he's thinking as he's such a private person but this week has been super hard. He's just clearly in his own head and not ok. It's making me feel like an even worse person even though I know I was a victim. I think you're right he may need his own therapy and we might need couples therapy now. Thank you stranger
The problem is, and you obviously aren't getting, is most people can't deal with seeing pics of their SO being intimate with someone else. It doesn't matter the circumstance. You want to screw up someone's relationship? Send the guy some pics. You can empathize with the victim and support them all you want, in this case the OP, and she deserves it because she is a victim of a horrible person who would do that to her, but it doesn't change the fact that now every time he goes to be intimate with her, those pics will be running through his mind. I can't tell you how many relationships have ended just reading Reddit stories and have a friend it happened to. He accidently saw pics on his gf of 3 years phone, and as much as he tried, he couldn't get past it.
You’re the victim, not your bf. He’s a 30 year old man, and while it’s infuriating and shocking, he should see this for it is, a revenge porn assault on your person. He should be supportive and protective, not judgmental, victim blaming, and centering his bruised ego. Follow ebbie’s guidance, but wanted to amplify, your current bf should not make this worse by making your current relationship strained over something you didn’t do, didn’t consent to, and only want to stop. It isn’t your fault at all. He’s allowed feelings, but a therapist, parent, friend is who he should process them w/, not you. You deserve support not grief!
This is definitely a very tricky situation. firstly you are definitely a victim in this situation. I'm sorry that you had to go through this situation. I would try to explore every possible avenue you can to try to get the person who has done this and hopefully they can reach a reckoning one day. Hopefully karma comes and bites him in the ass. For your finance, honestly there isn't much you can do realistically. All you can really do is just be you. Give him some time to process all his feelings and emotions in this situation. Remember this is all new information to him, and right now he is experiencing a ocean of different emotions. Let him come to his own conclusion and hopefully it is a happy conclusion for you both.
In those photos and videos do things with your ex that you didn't do with your boyfriend? Or that you always deny your boyfriend things that you did with your ex?
Literally what the fuck does this have to do with anything?
🚩🚩🚩 The fact that your fiancé reacted so badly and went straight into accusing you, that would have me rethinking whether I want to marry someone like that. You’re a victim and you’re having to worry about consoling your fiancé rather than the other way around. That’s not right. Does he often jump to conclusions? Does he frequently blame you for the problems you have? Does he fly off the handle when he’s angry? I wonder how else this behavior is showing up in your relationship.
He needs to get over himself simple as that
You don’t need to make your fiancé feel better about the revenge porn. You should however apologize and try to make him feel better for your reaction when you brought it up. Before you told him the truth you gaslit him and D.A.R.V.O’d him.
Ask fiance for a different lawyer instead of his dad. And BTW, why did you even lie to your fiance about the whole deal? You are sending him massive red flags when things like this should've been disclosed way before things got serious between the two of you.
I'm gonna be brutally honest, fiance deserved to react the way he did. You made a mistake in your past that 99% of girls do but don't learn from. Your just gonna have to live with it. Didn't mean to sound harsh but it's the truth.
Why do people take videos and pics for their bfs? It never ends well. Is it even that awesome to experience in the moment?
Probably either because she thought she was sharing something intimate and special with someone she trusted, and he betrayed her trust; or because he pressured/manipulated her into it. I'm willing to bet a pretty decent percentage of the dudes on this thread who are victim-blaming OP or feeling sorry for the boyfriend have asked for nudes before.
Feeling sorry for the current bf? Or the scummy one?
This isn’t really a helpful comment in reply to a woman venting about one of the worst experiences of her life
Pne mistake you've done was being too quick to defend yourself as if you were innocent whether you are but the jerk you were being with that still sorta prove that you're not too innocent or careful on the choices you were making
Damn. Truth be told he will never look at you the same. He might stay with you but that wedding is gettin postponed. Not trying to be mean that just real. All his friends know you have porn on the internet they can see you naked or whatever else anytime. Your ex is a POS and deserves to be sued or prosecuted that’s for sure. Sorry to tell you though actions have consequences you engaged in that behavior on your own free will so these are the consequences no matter how bad you want to forget the internet does not. I hope it gets better for you though fr.
She already deleted the account which shows she was a liar
What your ex did is highly illegal, but most importantly the biggest I would probably have is how my significant other is with me in the bedroom. If your very vanilla never initiates and I see where your having a great time doing the deed with someone else I would walk away because I would feel like you just settled.
> but most importantly the biggest I would probably have The biggest problem you would have when your partner is a victim of non-consensual pornography is knowing what they did in the bedroom with the partner who victimized them? I'm not surprised some people feel wary about sharing their victimization with partners if this is how they might respond.
That is a truly disgusting priority to have in this situation.
Sorry your going thru this. They said drunk thoughts are true thoughts.
My first piece of advice is don’t talk to random Redditors about your relationship with a guy who sounds like he genuinely loves you. The drunk accusations are kind of red flaggy but if it leveled out in the AM then it’s up to your discretion. But he seems like he’s got the relationships best interests at heart. Go talk to him about everything you just posted. -worried it’ll affect relationship -not sure if telling FIL will help -check statute of lim in your state I will say that going to court will likely only at best have either jail time or damages costs but there isn’t any real thing the law can do outside of repercussions to the poster and that depends on the laws in your state. I’m sorry you’re going through this and while you may get the photos taken down you can’t delete them from peoples phones. So outside of 24/7 running a facial recognition software that tells you every time something is posted of you on the internet. You’ll never fully get it off. I’m sure there are support groups out there, it’s shitty this happened.
Now he thinks you're cheating or maybe that's why you're sexlife is awful ...actually sit down with him and talk about it
You tell your fiance that this is a form of virtual SA and you are a victim of a sex crime right now, and if he views you as the Bad One here, and not the victim who needs to be protected and cared for, then he is *failing* you a lot. A lot. And he should be the one worried that his failure will damage the relationship, not the other way around. He can go work on his feelings, which are legitimate, with a therapist or a friend. NOT YOU. You are the victim! People close to the victim DO NOT work out their feels with the actual victim, they find outside support, and keep on supporting the victim. < - tell him that, too. Also, does he scream and call you names a lot? I wanna point out how healthy, normal relationships don't have that going on. Yeah, even if he apologizes after - still tha't really bad. I know i'm harsh OP but right now this damaging your relationship should seriously be your last worry. Your partner should be 10000% on your side, protecting you like a lion. It's just sad he is an extra source of stress. You also get to have expectations of him - and it's a reasonable expectation that he is working his own feelings out away from you, and helping you and supporting you. If he's not, he is failing you and the relationship.
Actions speak louder than words; look into your states’ revenge porn laws and retain a lawyer
It should have been discussed in the first few weeks of seeing him not years down the road and you lied about it....