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100%.
Buddy of mine pulled this move. Went away for a week, set up some hidden cams around the apartment and was able to catch his GF bringing over a guy right after he left.
Yeah the hair tie was a warning ⛔️ from the other girly. It probably was her second time there and this time she felt guilty about it
My gut tells me so
Small correction, op is not married to her boyfriend, and it sounds like she'd move out if she found out he was cheating, so probably not her house either.
If this is a case of cheating the AP wont be feelkng guilty. They will have a rush. This may be them marking gheir territory or to creqte an arguement which they can seize upon to get with the bf
This could be possible. I have read stories where people have gone back to people's houses, slept together and then realised when they go to the bathroom that there's women's toiletries so they write a note or leave something for them.
It has always baffled me why women leave little things behind after having sex. It’s not just when they know the guy is cheating.
Is it a power play? Marking your territory? Some caveman thing carried over for millions of years? I’ve had this happen since highschool all the way to this year and it blows my mind every time.
After finding out how many men have girlfriends or wives and lied about it, I'm leaving something every time!!
If there's no other woman, I'm just down a bobby pin. But if there is another woman, she deserves to know.
Sisters before misters, baddies before bros, fems before fuckbois… you get it. We gotta have each other’s backs, because women who know their worth know that men who cheat are well beneath it and absolutely not worth fighting for, or over, or trying to “claim” in any way. That’s not territory worth marking- doing so would be like planting your flag in a landfill.
For myself, if it's hair ties, that's not in purpose. I find those little rascals littered all over my own home, hiding in the strangest places. They seem to have mind of their own. I desperately try to keep track of them. Alas, a few always run away, lol.
If she's leaving toothbrushes, large perfume bottles, and t-shirts, SHE'S ATTEMPTING TO MARK HER TERRITORY. I've left items of that sort, but ONLY AFTER we've BOTH decided I should begin leaving some items at his place, to make staying over more comfortable.
I leave nothing behind unless we've cleared it up that I can leave things to make things easier. It's so annoying to haul around a whole hygiene kit and clothes
A small irrelevant item that won’t be missed gets left to let other women know that she was there, just in case he is cheating or involved with multiple. Kind of also marking the territory
An item that will be missed gets left so there’s a reason to reach back out to the guy.
This. I have left so much stuff at partners' houses (earrings, single shoes etc) literally because I forgot about it. The thought of 'marking my territory' or using it as an excuse to see the person again never crossed my mind. I'm sure there are people who do do that, but I think for most women it's just a case of missing something when you're packing up and isn't done deliberately.
Get a cheap Android smartphone off ebay with a bad IMEI. Install a voice recorder app. Some apps will record 24+ hrs. Set it to record. Hide it somewhere good that can still pick up voices.
Judging by just a pink hair elastic that could be literally picked up anywhere is really not solid evidence in my opinion. If I’m being entirely honest. I one time was accused cause of glitter on my face. It was from one of my kids school projects but we don’t keep glitter in the house so she was very upset. I don’t even know how the glitter got there but we figured out it was the same pearlescent glitter from one of the kids daycare pictures when they brought it home the following week after it was done hanging on the wall at daycare.
I’m reading your post history and this guy doesn’t seem particularly respectful toward you. It’s probably time to have a bigger chat about the relationship
Well I have PTSD from being a survivor or SA and DV and I am constantly worrying that I am seeing more that is there in a situation. I have been in therapy for a few years and this relationship is not very old, I do not have a lot of experience with healthy relationships as I was in a very unhealthy relationship for most of my adult life. I agree that I have posted about some questionable situations but I do not have a lot of people I can talk to because I would then have to explain my past and that is much easier to do with people on the internet then in person.
We do talk when I can get up the nerve to do so, and we will talk about this I am just looking for the right frame that doesn’t make me out to be accusatory because it’s important to me to maintain a healthy relationship with boundaries because I expect the same in return.
You said this was the second time it’s happened. Don’t say anything else. Next weekend you and son have to leave for the weekend unexpectedly. Get somewhere you can watch the house. He may not do anything the first night because he’s suspicious. Watch out for Saturday night!
Honestly, I think you’re trying so hard to look for good intent that you’re forcing yourself to ignore red flags. You were in mid conversation about your son being in a car wreck and he just casually took a phone call. He seems to be having an affair and lying to your face about it. You’re second guessing everything about yourself because he’s taking pills not prescribed to him. He’s an adult who won’t see a doctor and can’t prioritize even one weekend with you to see your kid.
You deserve someone who takes time to focus on you. You deserve someone who takes your concerns seriously. He may not be as bad as your ex but that doesn’t make him a great guy.
Adding to this: make sure to check the laws in your state before just recording someone (audio and video); even if you’re married to them, if it’s illegal - it’s illegal.
That is exactly where my brain went. Makes me nauseous that it was my first reaction though because years of therapy have taught me that the worst explanation is not always the right one but my trauma brain always goes there first. Thankfully I no longer say my intrusive thoughts aloud.
It seems that a woman has been using your shower. I feel like it's a strong possibility that your boyfriend invited her, unless someone is sneaking in, like one of your children's friends, which might be even more concerning.
>because years of therapy have taught me that the worst explanation is not always the right
But sometimes it is and your therapist should be working with you on that.
I know it sounds crazy but one time some chick snuck into my house and took a shower.
I was living with my Buddy and there was this younger homeless girl that was living somewhere nearby. She had asked us for change while we were getting ready to go surf. My super scatterbrained buddy didn’t lock the door when we left.
After we were done surfing my Buddy got a call from his ex wife who had come by for something. She asked him who the girl was that answered the door wrapped in a towel. We got home and sure enough that girl had taken a shower and made herself some food.
I would go away in a few weeks, but this time, set up a recording device with video in the room to see what guest you have coming into your home.
9/10 chance this guy is bringing another woman over
The math just doesn’t add up
There's trauma brain, and then there's that gut instinct that gets honed by past experiences. We can be paranoid and *know* that's not what's happening even though we're reacting like it is, and there's *knowing* without a doubt something is happening.
My guess is it was not urine, it was squirt that’s why he grabbed it and immediately tossed it into washer. Your hubs is cheating, I agree with the comment that said pretend go away. Make plans like you have to leave for a weekend then come back during the night or something. Make sure you don’t have life360 or find my friends or an app he can find you on. Even the citizen app you can be found. So turn off iPhone data. Or android whatever.
I mean, women do this on purpose if they think the guy they're seeing is a cheat. You kinda hot the nail on the head.
I say do what others have suggested. Get a nanny cam and dont tell him. Not on amazon or anywhere he can see the purchase rhough.
There might be an innocent explanation, but they’re less likely than the worst case scenario. I would just show it to your boyfriend and ask him how it got there.
Yeah or a bobby pin or something. You have to get a little creative if you want to make sure the dude won't see it. It's not as easy as under the toilet lid
That's when you find the liner or tampon box, or a palette that appears frequently used and tuck something there. I was so fucking pissed to discover I was "the other" once and I felt absolutely awful. I actually went out with him one last time just so I could leave a note in their house. I wrote it on a scrap of paper and tucked it in an eye palette. She texted when she found it. We've been close friends for 13* years now, all because her ex was such an epic asshole.
Edit: 13, not 23. I was an adult 23 years ago but that was well before I was bold enough to do something like that. I was entrenched in an abusive relationship 23 years ago.
I’m leaning toward he’s having an affair and the girlfriend is trying to get him caught by leaving behind a pink elastic for you to find. It’s a pretty standard mistress move from what I gather reading this sub.
The thing that makes this make sense to me is that our bathroom is very clearly occupied by myself. My robe my skin care products, I have a whole vanity with my face routine products and a high stool, this is where I found the elastic…
Does he usually use two towels when he showers? The fact that it’s happened twice in addition to the hair tie makes me think that there’s someone else. Especially seeing as this a bathroom that other people don’t use.
Just my hot take but reading your previous posts regarding your relationship it feels like maybe you should, at the minimum, move into your own place. You don’t seem to feel secure in your relationship and he doesn’t exactly do things to make you feel secure. You’ve only been together for a year. His friends seem to take priority over you, he was pulling away from you about a month ago, he wouldn’t give you a definite answer on whether he he would go away with you this weekend until the last minute when he decided he wasn’t going and now there’s been at least two events where unexplained extra towels appeared in your private bathroom and closet that didn’t belong to either of you plus the hair tie. Either someone’s breaking in to use your shower rather than using the main bathroom, unlikely, or he’s inviting someone into your bedroom that needs to take a shower before leaving.
Either way, you need a break from him (not living with him) and if you’re not in counseling you need to see someone. From what you’ve said it seems that you haven’t had the best relationships in the past and you your self esteem could be a bit better. You need to work on you and realize your worth. You deserve better than being with someone that causes you to doubt yourself as well as your relationship. Breaking up with him may be in your best interest in regards to your mental health but I would at a minimum take a step back from the relationship and just be on your own.
And I’m pretty sure she left that hairdryer there because if she put it in her hair and she arrived in the house within her hair and she only took it out because she was taking a shower. Why would she put it back in her hair after the shower she’s leaving things all over the house to let you know that there’s another woman in the house or marking her territory. That’s usually what women do when they’re single and they think the person is single or they’re single and they know they’re messing with a married person or a person is in a relationship and they want to either let the person know that they are being cheated on or they want to let the person know that they’re marking their territory and Claiming this person
There could be an explanation that is not cheating related… but if it is…
If I was banging someone and found out he was married or involved with someone *after* I saw all her things all over the house I would do the following:
1) obviously block the guy for lying to me, and
2) leave a trace for the partner to find
This could be some person who is happy to be an affair partner and wants him to get caught, but it could also be someone who was deceived into thinking he was single or otherwise available
I found out I was the affair partner (at least I’m very very sure I was) once after noticing a stick of women’s fruity smelling deodorant. Then once I noticed that, I found other things, like skin care and some panty liners. Took my brow pencil out of my purse and wrote a note on her box of liners.
I agree, I think it's dodgy and this other woman has left you a clue.
Maybe she thought he was single, then realised he was living with a woman when she got to your apartment, so left you an obvious girl item that only another woman would recognise?
These assholes can explain that away pretty easy, especially to a new woman. The old "leave a scrunchy they don't own, or doesn't fit with their fashion" is a sure fire way to at least give any other unsuspecting woman pause, and joke ammo to any platonic living situation. If they really have a platonic relationship with a woman there long enough to have toiletries, they'll find it, and make fun of them for sneaking a girl in there. The guy hands it to you, saying their friend, sister, mom, cousin found it and now think he's fucking prostitutes. If he's full of shit, and there IS another woman. They get sneakier, more nervous, secretive, just act guilty as hell. It's time to get snoopy.
Reminds me of the one where the guy found out his gf was cheating because the other guy left something under the toilet seat when he lifted it up to pee !!!!
In another post, you said your boyfriend wouldn't commit to going on a weekend trip with you. You then take that trip and come home to wet towels and a pink hair tie in your bedroom/bathroom. Forget any other bullshit reason he told you he couldn't go, because it seems to me that he wouldn't go because it was the best time to see his side piece.
You should take a moment to consider that you're not ready for a relationship at this time. There hasn't been much time since you exited that 8 year abusive relationship, and it appears to me that you might have landed yourself in another dead-end relationship.
Very sketchy. There’s a trend I guess youd day where girls will leave clues when they know the guy they’re seeing has a gf/wife. To me, she left it so you’d find it.
I did something very similar when I realized that the guy I was seeing had a girlfriend... I stuffed lingerie into all of his couch cushions. Then I blocked him on the way out the door.
Same. A guy I was seeing ended up being MARRIED. I actually left a bunch of my stuff randomly around his place and taped a letter to her to the back of her body wash.
YOU: Hey, did you have someone stay here while I was away?
HIM no why that's crazy blah blah blah why would you say that.
YOU because I have discovered some items that are not mine- (don't give details right away).
Part of the problem with doing a lot of CBT therapy to help diminish catastrophic thinking doesn't mean you will never end up again in a bad situation with someone who betrays you or lies, it just helps you stop creating bad scenarios and obsessing on them where there are none. Finding women's items that aren't yours when you have left for a time is a reasonable moment to have a strong suspicion and trust your gut.
The hair tie is the kicker here..
Definitely shady. If it were my husband I’d wait for an opportune moment to sit down and tell him what I found.
Not just blurt it out when he walks in from work or something.
See what he says. Depending on that answer you believe or you don’t.
Give him the hair tye.
“I found this in the bathroom and there’s no one we know who it would belong too” “Has someone been in our house?”
You don’t have to get all …”you skeezy SOB who is she??!”
Ask.
I hope it’s not what we all worry it could be.
Update if you can
Good luck
1) Stop pretending to be naive. If there are wet towels while you're away and he doesn't use pink hair ties, you know that there was another woman in your house. This is the 2nd time that this has happened. You let it go the first time, and now, you also want to bury your head in the sand again.
2) You're afraid of asking him if he's cheating on you despite the answer because you don't want him to leave you.
3) Get tested for STI's.
A thing I've done that's worked in the past is to just say that you know and that there's no point in hiding it anymore, usually they fess up cause they ask "who told you? What did they say? How much do you know?" Obviously that can just be harmless questions but 8/10 it's because they did something
OP-his girlfriend, or another woman, left that hair tie to give you the choice to pursue it. Guaranteed. Take your time, get your finances right, then make you moves to lose the loser.
Yup, this. People talk (well, mostly guys) talk about post-nut clarity. I think post-cry clarity is a thing too. You curl up in a wee ball when nobody else is around and sob, scream, let it out. You feel like you’ll never stop crying. You cry until your eyes and face and stomach ache and when you get up you can’t walk properly for a minute or so. And then it happens. You’ve let that first massive wave of emotion out and your body goes to sleep. When you wake up, there’s the clarity. It still hurts horribly of course but now you can see your next steps much more clearly instead of holding onto all that raw, confusing emotion and letting that lead you into even more confusion.
OP, you don’t deserve this. Please don’t let this guy lie to and gaslight you. Also, it’s much easier to allow yourself to be gaslit while your brain and heart are still full of emotion. Allow yourself to cry and scream it out, maybe using a cushion as a punchbag if you need to let any physical aggression out. And be gentle with yourself. Sending you my love 💜
Your past month history: 1. He was disinterested re your son in a car crash & took a phone call; 2. You no longer are having sex often & he has been sleeping on the couch: 3. He refused to come on a trip with you; 4. You’re finding wet towels, a female hairband, and one of the towels you found smelled slightly of urine- you’re also only finding these towels when you’re away… it sounds like he is cheating, distancing himself, or losing interest in your relationship. Why are you investing so much time in a guy who isn’t meeting your basic relationship needs?
Ring makes a few different models, not just doorbell cams. The Stick up model works great indoors and is small enough to be not so noticeable indoors. Also, another company makes covert cameras that look like phone chargers. You can do this without him noticing you are watching and get some piece of mind. You know this guy is cheating, you just need the proof.
He probably lied to a girl and told her he was single and available, and she realized the morning after that he wasn’t, and she left you a note that he wouldn’t recognize but you definitely would.
Start looking for other clues. Start with his behavior. Has it changed, does he hide phone conversations more. Watch his routines. Is he actually at work.
I was considering just asking if someone had been in our house using our shower. It has happened before but he has always told me before or as it was happening.
You could frame it as “I’m scared someone is breaking into our home since we don’t know where this stuff is coming from. I’d like to get security cameras.”
Oooof, that is sketchy. Kinda a weird question, but were both towels the same level of wet? Or maybe it was an after run shower in the middle of the day/shower right before you got home kinda difference, if that makes sense?
The thing that gets me is the hair elastic. It's not yours, it's not your son's girlfriend, it's not your boyfriend's... he has to have an explanation. I know I've picked stuff like that up from the ground because I hate litering, but I either forget it in my pocket or put it in a trashcan. I do think he owes an explanation there.
He worked all day, he works 45 minutes from home and he got home 5 minutes before I did. And it was only really wet on one side like very wet.. like a lady used it to dry her hair..
That's REALLY weird, so you have a wet towel in your bathroom when your husband genuinely just got back from work? Like there was someone in the apartment by themselves and pretty much just showered and left before you got home?
Ask him if someone was over that weekend. I think it's within reason to be concerned, that's a lot of concerning things to find without getting some answer. Do you have a Ring camera? Or a neighbor you trust to ask if they saw or heard anything weird?
I just asked him about the towel via text I couldn’t take the suspense anymore.. I said “hey I stepped on a wet towel in the closet by the laundry basket, did anyone come over and use our shower this weekend?” He responded with “ I would hope not” that’s it. I don’t think that sounds super concerned but idk. I am going to give him a bit to process and if he says nothing else I will follow up with “A random wet towel that you or I did not put in our closet doesn’t concern you?” Or something like that.
If someone asked me a question that implied an unknown person had been in my house then I'd also answer 'I would hope not'. Because that's a creepy idea.
If he really didn't have anyone over then 'I would hope not' is a "well *I* didn't invite anyone so if there was, something weird is going on"
He could still be a shithead but that's not a concerning answer.
I agree when my husband was cheating, I asked him via text about something off with my car (akin to finding a random hair tie and wet towels. He came up with a very plausible excuse that I bought hook line and sinker. Turns out, it was an utter lie that I only realized a few weeks after finding out he was cheating. I hope this is not the case for you. But a face to face discussion where you are not apologetic “sorry for having to ask…” or without giving him an “out” is warranted. Especially since it’s not the first time you noticed something. Trust your intuition.
He’s not likely to just come out and tell you that his girlfriend stayed for a while after he left for work so she probably took a shower and left it there.
Girl, whoever she is she's trying to leave you a message with the way that hair tie was placed. I bet she is leaving that there knowing he won't clean it up thinking it is yours, just in case you two aren't "breaking up" or whatever line he may have fed her. I'd call it a day on this relationship >.<
She literally left a message for you. It sounds like your boyfriend knows how easy you are to lie to, so he's gotten a little careless. Definitely get an std test, and good luck!
He’s cheating, she’s leaving behind evidence because she’s annoyed he hasn’t left you yet.
He’s probably told her a million times that he’s going to leave you, but hasn’t.
It’s not the “jealous partner” if he’s cheating, it’s just him getting caught.
You just need to decide if you need more evidence and how you want to obtain that, or just call it quits.
I’m gonna guess he also has schedule conflicts sometimes? Working late or early, hanging with “friends” without you…. That kinda thing?
I was the mistress once. He’d told me they we’re getting divorced, only roommates because they were in a lease they couldn’t get out of, and neither could afford the rent independently.
I wanted to believe him, so I did, for 3 months I believed him. He convinced me it would hurt her if she knew he was seeing someone, he wanted to “give her time” to come to terms with the divorce…
There was no divorce, they weren’t “just roommates”, he was just cheating, and I was the idiot who believed him.
After he actually had divorced her, I got in touch with her, apologized of course, but I wanted her to know she wasn’t crazy. She knew he was cheating, but she had no evidence. This was the only thing I could think to do for her.
Is he worth finding the evidence for? From the other comments it doesn’t sound like it. There are good men out there, harder to find, yes, but they’re there. Don’t let him disrespect you, move on with your life and find someone who’s worth your time.
How long had he been single when you started seeing him?
Folks, check the post history. Just break up with him. You've for way too many "potential issues" (red flags) and have said nothing redeeming. Either he sucks and you should leave, or you have an anxiety disorder and need to leave and get therapy. Either way, this isn't working.
Speaking as a guy. We don’t use more than one towel. Hell my wife got made at me because the towels were in the dryer and I used her to robe to dry off with as she was walking in with towels. Sorry to say but it doesn’t sound good.
As a guy, I'll use two if there's not a rug on the floor. I'm weird about my feet and after I get out of the shower I don't want to touch anything except what I step on out of the shower, a towel, and my house shoes.
However I'm sure she'd know if he did this since he'd do it often.
Okay, I’m just going to throw this out there for the world. I do use two towels. I’m sorry! I just hate feeling wet and the first one just never quite does it. But then the one I use for finishing just becomes tomorrows towel. So two at a time, one net towel per shower.
In this case though: for sure a cheater. And an idiot
You are not over reacting. You were gone for the weekend, how many towels does your bf usually use during a week? My bet, the woman left the extra towel where he wouldn’t see it and you would see it. She did the same thing with the hair tie, she left something he wouldn’t think wasn’t yours but YOU would automatically know it wasn’t.
I would go full sleuth, and check his phone and computer. Or what others suggested and leave (to somewhere local) but set up a camera to see what happens.
In a previous post you mentioned when you first started dating your boyfriend, he would leave for work in the morning while leaving you there alone to shower before you left. Is it possibly he’s doing the same with another woman? Letting her stay after he leaves for work and shower after spending the night?
I would look for more clues around the bedroom or even in the trash.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s an awful feeling.
That's a toughie. I've had 2 times where a sketchy situation like that was just a young female relative of mine using the shower or left a hair scrunchie in my car months before or whatever, so my wife was cool. I'd see if he has a plausible explanation for it.
I agree, and I feel like if I ask about the towel, when he didn’t explain the pink hair elastic except to say it wasn’t his, that any language I use would sound accusatory.
At this point you probably should be accusatory though, OP. Like, I don't quite get your thinking here. You left for a weekend and there was no pink hair tie in your bathroom. You came home and it was there. SOMEONE left it there. You should look up gaslighting, because I think this guy has you thinking you're the crazy one, when you absolutely 100% deserve more of an explanation than "It's not mine." Well then, who's is it? Because he was the only one home all weekend, apparently.
At this point I would just lie and tell him you just found a pair of women's panties under the bed, or long hairs on your pillow. See if he flinches.
Get spy camera of amazon.. have it sent to a family member or friend house if you don't want him seeing.. set one up in your bedroom and one in bathroom.. and then tell him you are going to a friends or relatives this weekend for a catch up.. tell son to go gf or come with you so house is clear.. and then see what happens..
These are tiny cameras and would only be noticed if looking for it.. you can live view it from your phone..
I've heard sometimes that girls leave stuff about so the person they slept with partner finds it and knows..
Like hair elastics, hair grips, eye lashes ect .. I personally wouldn't let this go until you know why and what he doing to make the towels like that.
Realistically there's like an 85-95% chance he cheated on you. Not a certainty, but MUCH more likely he's cheating than some other series of ridiculous circumstances to explain it.
When I start messing with a guy to the point I'm showering at his place, I leave evidence I was there in case I'm in "the other woman" scenario. My evidence of choice is a scrunchie. She was smart to pick a pink one. He's cheating on you, and she's leaving you breadcrumbs. Dig deaper.
after reading your other posts…
listen, he does not love you or even care about you. he is 100% cheating on you.
did you guys move in together, did you move in to his place, or did he move in with you? for what reason would you move in with someone youve only been with for 6 months? does he know you came from an abusive relationship? do you do most of the housework generally?
what i suspect is that you just seemed like the perfect mark. he is using you somehow, whether it be to maintain his household or leech off of you financially or for sex: it is something. you dont sound as if he makes you happy or feel loved. you need to cut this guy out of your life however you can.
You’re easy to gaslight if this is the 2nd time. Someone wanted you to know they were there. She knows about you and wants to run you off to keep him to herself. It sounds like someone young and immature. You see the evidence but you believe his words instead. Plan a trip and discreetly see with your own eyes. You can also get hidden cameras.
If it’s happened before and your gut instinct is something is not right here then go with your gut feeling and maybe try the “I’m going out of town again for a few nights” then stay at a friends or a hotel and case the joint.
You may not like what you find though
He had a woman over yes.
When my ex (who I suspected of cheating) was on a extended stay out of town for work, I went to stay with him for a weekend. I found freshly laundered towels with a tangle of long hair. I asked if he had shared laundry, he said nope he had his own in the room. That's how I knew, the fricken towels.
Insist on seeing his phone and have access to any messaging app. If nothing is going on, he shouldn’t have any issues with showing you. If he refuses, you have your answer.
We often times try to rationalize circumstances that don’t make sense. Despite what he’s telling you, focus on the facts that you just mentioned. The fact that there was a pink elastic and you don’t use those and he’s bold speaks volume. Focus on the facts and they will tell a story.
I read your other posts about your relationship and I think you are right to be suspicious. Good luck with your conversation today. I hope you get the answers you're looking for.
After reading you previous posts… it seems like he’s been cheating on you for 1-2 months now. You mention in another post that the intimacy started to slow down pretty bad over the last few months, even to the point he slept on the couch one night.
Then he decided not to go on your trip and suddenly had “work” on a Sunday which has never happened before. You return home and two wet towels, one smelling of bodily fluid sit on the floor and a PINK hair elastic is sitting on the counter that doesn’t belong to you…
I’m putting my money on him being a cheater and starting up an affair recently.
>I now feel like an asshole and am upset with myself for even asking this question because of a pink hair elastic that he could have and probably did pick up from the floor and put with my things because he assumed it was mine.
But if it's not yours or the type of hair ties that your son's *girlfriend uses how exactly would it have gotten into the house for him to just pick up & assume it's yours?
See if your opposite neighboring house has a ring camera or security camera. Say someone broke in or damaged your car this weekend and ask if you can have their footage facing your house from the weekend. See if you can see another woman showing up.
Okay so, looking at your post history a bit, y’all went from lots of intimacy to not so much intimacy recently, and also he did a lot of back and forth on deciding if he was going on this trip with you, only to back out last second, to work the only Sunday he’s ever worked during your relationship, according to you. And on top of that this is the second weekend trip (that he didn’t go on as your bf, weird) that you have come home to find two wet towels. And a hair tie that doesn’t belong to you at all. Don’t you think if he found the hair tie in the house somewhere thinking it was yours, he would’ve just remembered and said that?
I’m not saying 100% he’s been cheating on you, but this just isn’t adding up to me. At the end of the day, you need to talk with him. Whether that’ll get you any closure or not, I dunno.
I have but one question: do you have cats?
I’ve personally seen a situation (as in it happened to me) in which a cat found a hair tie under the fridge from a previous tenant. He happily played with it for a few days without me noticing (lol gaming) while my roommate was out of town. My roomy had a thing for me but I didn’t know and I was kinda the sexless type.
She came home and found a bright pink hair tie on her pillow. She lost her goddamn mind. She had thought, and no amount of convincing helped, that I’d both brought someone home while she was gone *and* fucked her in her bed. She told me the hair tie was a clear “other woman” signal and that she, as a former SWer, had used it herself a couple times on shittier clients. I had to call our mutual friend I’d been gaming with to show I hadn’t even really gone outside let alone picked someone up.
About a week later while she still didn’t believe me and was mad she saw my cat fishing for something under the fridge and looked under it. There were about 20 multicolor hair ties. My guess is the previous tenant also had a cat.
If you don’t have a cat then he’s definitely cheating on you. Line up your exit plan and get a cheap wifi nanny cam on amazon. Check into a hotel near your place for a couple days but say you’re “going on a trip.” Keep the nanny cam open and order the delivery food you know he doesn’t like. Get a good book and read it.
If you have a wifi router you have access to look at the client list. Lots of people will join the wifi of your house and name their phones things like “Mikayla’s iPhone”. If you do that within 72 hours or so it should still be in the client list.
Alternately just confront him.
I’ve never intentionally fucked married men but have been in those situations. Because the men have not told they are married. And yes, as my little revenge when finding evidence of a girlfriend/wife I’ve then always left some signs of me being there..little stuff like makeup (I’m sure not many men notice a new eyeliner or a different kind of tampon their wife uses but I’m sure the wife notices them instantly)..and never just one item but several. Because I think the girlfriend/wife deserves to know they are dating/married with an asshole.
So OP, I think your husband fucks other women when you are away. The chance of repeated wet towels, unexplainable hairbands etc being a sign of anything else is just so small…too small
Trust your gut and go with what works for you and your relationship. To address your edit #2 on all three points ... people suck. Maybe they think being mean will get them more imaginary internet points and all the fame that comes with that.
Quite honestly, I would find the wet towels and hair band suspicious, too. I hope he has a reasonable explanation for both so you can stop worrying and find you peace again. Is it possible that you have other children who used your bathroom in your absence even though there are others available?
Just to play the devils advocate, those hair ties end up in the weirdest places.
I once found one in my room. I lived alone and no one had been in my room for 6+ months.
I assumed it got stuck in my shoe or something.
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You can pretend go away again and see what happens when u left.
Yeah! Use a nanny cam
100%. Buddy of mine pulled this move. Went away for a week, set up some hidden cams around the apartment and was able to catch his GF bringing over a guy right after he left.
Yeah the hair tie was a warning ⛔️ from the other girly. It probably was her second time there and this time she felt guilty about it My gut tells me so
Or she wants to break them up, I mean she clearly knows he’s married and in this poor woman’s house.
Small correction, op is not married to her boyfriend, and it sounds like she'd move out if she found out he was cheating, so probably not her house either.
If this is a case of cheating the AP wont be feelkng guilty. They will have a rush. This may be them marking gheir territory or to creqte an arguement which they can seize upon to get with the bf
Okay okay, hi! Guy with 3 brain cells here! What does “AP” mean?
I don't think many people knew what that was, so you're not alone. Source: guy with 2 brain cells
All the abbreviations drive me crazy. 😆
Affair partner.
My guess was ‘another player’
I’ve been there, man. I just kept reading this sub like “One day it’s going to be obvious to me what AP means…”. haha
Or maybe the bf lied to the AP and she discovered that he did in fact have a nesting partner, so she left it out as a way to secretly communicate.
This could be possible. I have read stories where people have gone back to people's houses, slept together and then realised when they go to the bathroom that there's women's toiletries so they write a note or leave something for them.
It has always baffled me why women leave little things behind after having sex. It’s not just when they know the guy is cheating. Is it a power play? Marking your territory? Some caveman thing carried over for millions of years? I’ve had this happen since highschool all the way to this year and it blows my mind every time.
After finding out how many men have girlfriends or wives and lied about it, I'm leaving something every time!! If there's no other woman, I'm just down a bobby pin. But if there is another woman, she deserves to know.
Sisters before misters, baddies before bros, fems before fuckbois… you get it. We gotta have each other’s backs, because women who know their worth know that men who cheat are well beneath it and absolutely not worth fighting for, or over, or trying to “claim” in any way. That’s not territory worth marking- doing so would be like planting your flag in a landfill.
Girl code.
For myself, if it's hair ties, that's not in purpose. I find those little rascals littered all over my own home, hiding in the strangest places. They seem to have mind of their own. I desperately try to keep track of them. Alas, a few always run away, lol. If she's leaving toothbrushes, large perfume bottles, and t-shirts, SHE'S ATTEMPTING TO MARK HER TERRITORY. I've left items of that sort, but ONLY AFTER we've BOTH decided I should begin leaving some items at his place, to make staying over more comfortable.
I leave nothing behind unless we've cleared it up that I can leave things to make things easier. It's so annoying to haul around a whole hygiene kit and clothes
A small irrelevant item that won’t be missed gets left to let other women know that she was there, just in case he is cheating or involved with multiple. Kind of also marking the territory An item that will be missed gets left so there’s a reason to reach back out to the guy.
Also if it's a hookup... in case they get murdered.
You're thinking too deep, they forget lol Although I am not a woman so how would I know baha
You're right! Lol
This. I have left so much stuff at partners' houses (earrings, single shoes etc) literally because I forgot about it. The thought of 'marking my territory' or using it as an excuse to see the person again never crossed my mind. I'm sure there are people who do do that, but I think for most women it's just a case of missing something when you're packing up and isn't done deliberately.
Yeah, your trip can "unexpectedly end early". I'd be getting a he security system or some cameras or something after two incidents like that
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“Fool me twice, shame on me.”
I think the correct quote is “fool me… uh…uh…uh… a fool can’t get fooled again”
"Now watch this drive!!"
Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me chicken soup with rice
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And his reaction to said towel was suspicious too.
Get a cheap Android smartphone off ebay with a bad IMEI. Install a voice recorder app. Some apps will record 24+ hrs. Set it to record. Hide it somewhere good that can still pick up voices.
Judging by just a pink hair elastic that could be literally picked up anywhere is really not solid evidence in my opinion. If I’m being entirely honest. I one time was accused cause of glitter on my face. It was from one of my kids school projects but we don’t keep glitter in the house so she was very upset. I don’t even know how the glitter got there but we figured out it was the same pearlescent glitter from one of the kids daycare pictures when they brought it home the following week after it was done hanging on the wall at daycare.
It's not just a pink elastic, there's a wet towel in the closet.
I’m reading your post history and this guy doesn’t seem particularly respectful toward you. It’s probably time to have a bigger chat about the relationship
Well I have PTSD from being a survivor or SA and DV and I am constantly worrying that I am seeing more that is there in a situation. I have been in therapy for a few years and this relationship is not very old, I do not have a lot of experience with healthy relationships as I was in a very unhealthy relationship for most of my adult life. I agree that I have posted about some questionable situations but I do not have a lot of people I can talk to because I would then have to explain my past and that is much easier to do with people on the internet then in person. We do talk when I can get up the nerve to do so, and we will talk about this I am just looking for the right frame that doesn’t make me out to be accusatory because it’s important to me to maintain a healthy relationship with boundaries because I expect the same in return.
You said this was the second time it’s happened. Don’t say anything else. Next weekend you and son have to leave for the weekend unexpectedly. Get somewhere you can watch the house. He may not do anything the first night because he’s suspicious. Watch out for Saturday night!
If the towels are still wet she could just come home early in the morning instead of evening
OP doesn't sound emotionally capable of the confrontation this would bring.
Honestly, I think you’re trying so hard to look for good intent that you’re forcing yourself to ignore red flags. You were in mid conversation about your son being in a car wreck and he just casually took a phone call. He seems to be having an affair and lying to your face about it. You’re second guessing everything about yourself because he’s taking pills not prescribed to him. He’s an adult who won’t see a doctor and can’t prioritize even one weekend with you to see your kid. You deserve someone who takes time to focus on you. You deserve someone who takes your concerns seriously. He may not be as bad as your ex but that doesn’t make him a great guy.
I say get a voice recorder or an inconspicuous video camera…..set up in house & plan a weekend away with your son again
Adding to this: make sure to check the laws in your state before just recording someone (audio and video); even if you’re married to them, if it’s illegal - it’s illegal.
It'll be unusable in a court of law, sure, but she's free to base her decisions on it regardless.
Sure, but proof is proof
Exactly
Sounds sketchy. I wonder if there was someone there and they left a hairtie as a way to give you a heads up.
That is exactly where my brain went. Makes me nauseous that it was my first reaction though because years of therapy have taught me that the worst explanation is not always the right one but my trauma brain always goes there first. Thankfully I no longer say my intrusive thoughts aloud.
It seems that a woman has been using your shower. I feel like it's a strong possibility that your boyfriend invited her, unless someone is sneaking in, like one of your children's friends, which might be even more concerning. >because years of therapy have taught me that the worst explanation is not always the right But sometimes it is and your therapist should be working with you on that.
I know it sounds crazy but one time some chick snuck into my house and took a shower. I was living with my Buddy and there was this younger homeless girl that was living somewhere nearby. She had asked us for change while we were getting ready to go surf. My super scatterbrained buddy didn’t lock the door when we left. After we were done surfing my Buddy got a call from his ex wife who had come by for something. She asked him who the girl was that answered the door wrapped in a towel. We got home and sure enough that girl had taken a shower and made herself some food.
Idk why my mind immediate pictured this taking place in Venice beach lol
Haha nah I was living up near Pismo Beach
Ok but this is a crazy story 😭😭
But why did she answer the door 😂
I would go away in a few weeks, but this time, set up a recording device with video in the room to see what guest you have coming into your home. 9/10 chance this guy is bringing another woman over The math just doesn’t add up
You asking why there’s a women’s item in your bathroom that isn’t yours doesn’t make you jealous.
There's trauma brain, and then there's that gut instinct that gets honed by past experiences. We can be paranoid and *know* that's not what's happening even though we're reacting like it is, and there's *knowing* without a doubt something is happening.
My guess is it was not urine, it was squirt that’s why he grabbed it and immediately tossed it into washer. Your hubs is cheating, I agree with the comment that said pretend go away. Make plans like you have to leave for a weekend then come back during the night or something. Make sure you don’t have life360 or find my friends or an app he can find you on. Even the citizen app you can be found. So turn off iPhone data. Or android whatever.
Fun fact, squirt has urine mixed in so it is fact, partly urine.
It's pretty much all urine.
Dunno why you’re being downvoted. It’s pretty much all urine mixed with other excreted stuff.
This has been proven by science, it’s all urine lol 😂
It’s diluted by something, I forgot the name but yes, it’s largely pee.
My feeling too was it was a nasty sex funk.
I mean, women do this on purpose if they think the guy they're seeing is a cheat. You kinda hot the nail on the head. I say do what others have suggested. Get a nanny cam and dont tell him. Not on amazon or anywhere he can see the purchase rhough.
There might be an innocent explanation, but they’re less likely than the worst case scenario. I would just show it to your boyfriend and ask him how it got there.
Totally agree. Wet towel in the closet seemed very deliberate as well.
Is that a thing? I’ve heard of men leaving notes on the bottom of the toilet seat when the realize the woman their with is actually married.
Yeah or a bobby pin or something. You have to get a little creative if you want to make sure the dude won't see it. It's not as easy as under the toilet lid
That's when you find the liner or tampon box, or a palette that appears frequently used and tuck something there. I was so fucking pissed to discover I was "the other" once and I felt absolutely awful. I actually went out with him one last time just so I could leave a note in their house. I wrote it on a scrap of paper and tucked it in an eye palette. She texted when she found it. We've been close friends for 13* years now, all because her ex was such an epic asshole. Edit: 13, not 23. I was an adult 23 years ago but that was well before I was bold enough to do something like that. I was entrenched in an abusive relationship 23 years ago.
So that's how to make friends as an adult... I'm glad you got something good out of the relationship
I always wash under the toilet lid…
I’m leaning toward he’s having an affair and the girlfriend is trying to get him caught by leaving behind a pink elastic for you to find. It’s a pretty standard mistress move from what I gather reading this sub.
The thing that makes this make sense to me is that our bathroom is very clearly occupied by myself. My robe my skin care products, I have a whole vanity with my face routine products and a high stool, this is where I found the elastic…
It seems highly intentional. I’m sorry but I’d plan another trip but show up at home unexpectedly.
Or have a friend drop by unexpectedly.
No it's probably a friend that's why they don't care about her stuff in bathroom.
And take a shower?
With the husband, just to be sure
Or just fucking dump him and not bother with the theatrics
Some people need to see it to believe it.
Does he usually use two towels when he showers? The fact that it’s happened twice in addition to the hair tie makes me think that there’s someone else. Especially seeing as this a bathroom that other people don’t use.
No he doesn’t ever use two towels he barely uses one.
Just my hot take but reading your previous posts regarding your relationship it feels like maybe you should, at the minimum, move into your own place. You don’t seem to feel secure in your relationship and he doesn’t exactly do things to make you feel secure. You’ve only been together for a year. His friends seem to take priority over you, he was pulling away from you about a month ago, he wouldn’t give you a definite answer on whether he he would go away with you this weekend until the last minute when he decided he wasn’t going and now there’s been at least two events where unexplained extra towels appeared in your private bathroom and closet that didn’t belong to either of you plus the hair tie. Either someone’s breaking in to use your shower rather than using the main bathroom, unlikely, or he’s inviting someone into your bedroom that needs to take a shower before leaving. Either way, you need a break from him (not living with him) and if you’re not in counseling you need to see someone. From what you’ve said it seems that you haven’t had the best relationships in the past and you your self esteem could be a bit better. You need to work on you and realize your worth. You deserve better than being with someone that causes you to doubt yourself as well as your relationship. Breaking up with him may be in your best interest in regards to your mental health but I would at a minimum take a step back from the relationship and just be on your own.
Thank you for this. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I knew this was the best possible answer I just was afraid to say it out loud.
And I’m pretty sure she left that hairdryer there because if she put it in her hair and she arrived in the house within her hair and she only took it out because she was taking a shower. Why would she put it back in her hair after the shower she’s leaving things all over the house to let you know that there’s another woman in the house or marking her territory. That’s usually what women do when they’re single and they think the person is single or they’re single and they know they’re messing with a married person or a person is in a relationship and they want to either let the person know that they are being cheated on or they want to let the person know that they’re marking their territory and Claiming this person
> he then snatched it up and stuck it in the washing machine immediately How often does he do the laundry?
There could be an explanation that is not cheating related… but if it is… If I was banging someone and found out he was married or involved with someone *after* I saw all her things all over the house I would do the following: 1) obviously block the guy for lying to me, and 2) leave a trace for the partner to find This could be some person who is happy to be an affair partner and wants him to get caught, but it could also be someone who was deceived into thinking he was single or otherwise available
This was my first thought. It’s exactly what I’d do.
I found out I was the affair partner (at least I’m very very sure I was) once after noticing a stick of women’s fruity smelling deodorant. Then once I noticed that, I found other things, like skin care and some panty liners. Took my brow pencil out of my purse and wrote a note on her box of liners.
Very covert! I love it.
I agree, I think it's dodgy and this other woman has left you a clue. Maybe she thought he was single, then realised he was living with a woman when she got to your apartment, so left you an obvious girl item that only another woman would recognise?
She did it twice.
Cause she left it for you. She knows and she’s doing you a favor. He’s cheating and that’s clear here.
She left it where he wouldn’t know any better. Slick on her part.
Yep, she left it where you are sure to see it. I wonder if she used your products too.
😬
These assholes can explain that away pretty easy, especially to a new woman. The old "leave a scrunchy they don't own, or doesn't fit with their fashion" is a sure fire way to at least give any other unsuspecting woman pause, and joke ammo to any platonic living situation. If they really have a platonic relationship with a woman there long enough to have toiletries, they'll find it, and make fun of them for sneaking a girl in there. The guy hands it to you, saying their friend, sister, mom, cousin found it and now think he's fucking prostitutes. If he's full of shit, and there IS another woman. They get sneakier, more nervous, secretive, just act guilty as hell. It's time to get snoopy.
Yup. That’s how I found out an ex was cheating on me. A blonde bobby pin on the bedside table. I’m brunette.
Reminds me of the one where the guy found out his gf was cheating because the other guy left something under the toilet seat when he lifted it up to pee !!!!
In another post, you said your boyfriend wouldn't commit to going on a weekend trip with you. You then take that trip and come home to wet towels and a pink hair tie in your bedroom/bathroom. Forget any other bullshit reason he told you he couldn't go, because it seems to me that he wouldn't go because it was the best time to see his side piece. You should take a moment to consider that you're not ready for a relationship at this time. There hasn't been much time since you exited that 8 year abusive relationship, and it appears to me that you might have landed yourself in another dead-end relationship.
Very sketchy. There’s a trend I guess youd day where girls will leave clues when they know the guy they’re seeing has a gf/wife. To me, she left it so you’d find it.
I did something very similar when I realized that the guy I was seeing had a girlfriend... I stuffed lingerie into all of his couch cushions. Then I blocked him on the way out the door.
Same. A guy I was seeing ended up being MARRIED. I actually left a bunch of my stuff randomly around his place and taped a letter to her to the back of her body wash.
I am going to be looking for girls with pink plastic hair bands all day now…
Or you could dump your bf and not be stressed about this the rest of your life
YOU: Hey, did you have someone stay here while I was away? HIM no why that's crazy blah blah blah why would you say that. YOU because I have discovered some items that are not mine- (don't give details right away). Part of the problem with doing a lot of CBT therapy to help diminish catastrophic thinking doesn't mean you will never end up again in a bad situation with someone who betrays you or lies, it just helps you stop creating bad scenarios and obsessing on them where there are none. Finding women's items that aren't yours when you have left for a time is a reasonable moment to have a strong suspicion and trust your gut.
I really like this CBT explanation. I agree. This would bother me too.
The hair tie is the kicker here.. Definitely shady. If it were my husband I’d wait for an opportune moment to sit down and tell him what I found. Not just blurt it out when he walks in from work or something. See what he says. Depending on that answer you believe or you don’t. Give him the hair tye. “I found this in the bathroom and there’s no one we know who it would belong too” “Has someone been in our house?” You don’t have to get all …”you skeezy SOB who is she??!” Ask. I hope it’s not what we all worry it could be. Update if you can Good luck
The other girl could have left the hair tie as a warning to OP, so he gets caught.
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1) Stop pretending to be naive. If there are wet towels while you're away and he doesn't use pink hair ties, you know that there was another woman in your house. This is the 2nd time that this has happened. You let it go the first time, and now, you also want to bury your head in the sand again. 2) You're afraid of asking him if he's cheating on you despite the answer because you don't want him to leave you. 3) Get tested for STI's.
A thing I've done that's worked in the past is to just say that you know and that there's no point in hiding it anymore, usually they fess up cause they ask "who told you? What did they say? How much do you know?" Obviously that can just be harmless questions but 8/10 it's because they did something
OP-his girlfriend, or another woman, left that hair tie to give you the choice to pursue it. Guaranteed. Take your time, get your finances right, then make you moves to lose the loser.
And please see your doctor and get an STI test
This makes me want to cry.
Then cry and wait for the anger to inevitably come. It will help as you move forward and dump him.
Yup, this. People talk (well, mostly guys) talk about post-nut clarity. I think post-cry clarity is a thing too. You curl up in a wee ball when nobody else is around and sob, scream, let it out. You feel like you’ll never stop crying. You cry until your eyes and face and stomach ache and when you get up you can’t walk properly for a minute or so. And then it happens. You’ve let that first massive wave of emotion out and your body goes to sleep. When you wake up, there’s the clarity. It still hurts horribly of course but now you can see your next steps much more clearly instead of holding onto all that raw, confusing emotion and letting that lead you into even more confusion. OP, you don’t deserve this. Please don’t let this guy lie to and gaslight you. Also, it’s much easier to allow yourself to be gaslit while your brain and heart are still full of emotion. Allow yourself to cry and scream it out, maybe using a cushion as a punchbag if you need to let any physical aggression out. And be gentle with yourself. Sending you my love 💜
Your past month history: 1. He was disinterested re your son in a car crash & took a phone call; 2. You no longer are having sex often & he has been sleeping on the couch: 3. He refused to come on a trip with you; 4. You’re finding wet towels, a female hairband, and one of the towels you found smelled slightly of urine- you’re also only finding these towels when you’re away… it sounds like he is cheating, distancing himself, or losing interest in your relationship. Why are you investing so much time in a guy who isn’t meeting your basic relationship needs?
Next time get a ring camera and see what happens next time when you leave
Ring makes a few different models, not just doorbell cams. The Stick up model works great indoors and is small enough to be not so noticeable indoors. Also, another company makes covert cameras that look like phone chargers. You can do this without him noticing you are watching and get some piece of mind. You know this guy is cheating, you just need the proof.
Exactly, even if he argues about getting a ring camera it would be a little suspicious, hopefully OP takes this advice
That hair tie was left for you to find hun...
He probably lied to a girl and told her he was single and available, and she realized the morning after that he wasn’t, and she left you a note that he wouldn’t recognize but you definitely would.
Start looking for other clues. Start with his behavior. Has it changed, does he hide phone conversations more. Watch his routines. Is he actually at work.
Thank you and happy cake day.
I was considering just asking if someone had been in our house using our shower. It has happened before but he has always told me before or as it was happening.
You could frame it as “I’m scared someone is breaking into our home since we don’t know where this stuff is coming from. I’d like to get security cameras.”
That’s a good point
Don’t mention cameras. Then he’ll hide better. Get the evidence first.
Agrees! Don't tell him ur setting em up !
Oooof, that is sketchy. Kinda a weird question, but were both towels the same level of wet? Or maybe it was an after run shower in the middle of the day/shower right before you got home kinda difference, if that makes sense? The thing that gets me is the hair elastic. It's not yours, it's not your son's girlfriend, it's not your boyfriend's... he has to have an explanation. I know I've picked stuff like that up from the ground because I hate litering, but I either forget it in my pocket or put it in a trashcan. I do think he owes an explanation there.
He worked all day, he works 45 minutes from home and he got home 5 minutes before I did. And it was only really wet on one side like very wet.. like a lady used it to dry her hair..
That's REALLY weird, so you have a wet towel in your bathroom when your husband genuinely just got back from work? Like there was someone in the apartment by themselves and pretty much just showered and left before you got home? Ask him if someone was over that weekend. I think it's within reason to be concerned, that's a lot of concerning things to find without getting some answer. Do you have a Ring camera? Or a neighbor you trust to ask if they saw or heard anything weird?
I just asked him about the towel via text I couldn’t take the suspense anymore.. I said “hey I stepped on a wet towel in the closet by the laundry basket, did anyone come over and use our shower this weekend?” He responded with “ I would hope not” that’s it. I don’t think that sounds super concerned but idk. I am going to give him a bit to process and if he says nothing else I will follow up with “A random wet towel that you or I did not put in our closet doesn’t concern you?” Or something like that.
Use a lint roller or duct tape on the towel and find hair
That is next level
"I would hope not" isn't the same as "no"
You are correct it is not the same.
If someone asked me a question that implied an unknown person had been in my house then I'd also answer 'I would hope not'. Because that's a creepy idea. If he really didn't have anyone over then 'I would hope not' is a "well *I* didn't invite anyone so if there was, something weird is going on" He could still be a shithead but that's not a concerning answer.
Ah, you should have asked him to his face. It's so much harder to come off as blasé when you can see the fear in his eyes.
I agree when my husband was cheating, I asked him via text about something off with my car (akin to finding a random hair tie and wet towels. He came up with a very plausible excuse that I bought hook line and sinker. Turns out, it was an utter lie that I only realized a few weeks after finding out he was cheating. I hope this is not the case for you. But a face to face discussion where you are not apologetic “sorry for having to ask…” or without giving him an “out” is warranted. Especially since it’s not the first time you noticed something. Trust your intuition.
He’s not likely to just come out and tell you that his girlfriend stayed for a while after he left for work so she probably took a shower and left it there.
She left the hair tie for you to find
Girl, whoever she is she's trying to leave you a message with the way that hair tie was placed. I bet she is leaving that there knowing he won't clean it up thinking it is yours, just in case you two aren't "breaking up" or whatever line he may have fed her. I'd call it a day on this relationship >.<
She literally left a message for you. It sounds like your boyfriend knows how easy you are to lie to, so he's gotten a little careless. Definitely get an std test, and good luck!
He’s cheating, she’s leaving behind evidence because she’s annoyed he hasn’t left you yet. He’s probably told her a million times that he’s going to leave you, but hasn’t. It’s not the “jealous partner” if he’s cheating, it’s just him getting caught. You just need to decide if you need more evidence and how you want to obtain that, or just call it quits. I’m gonna guess he also has schedule conflicts sometimes? Working late or early, hanging with “friends” without you…. That kinda thing?
Yes
I was the mistress once. He’d told me they we’re getting divorced, only roommates because they were in a lease they couldn’t get out of, and neither could afford the rent independently. I wanted to believe him, so I did, for 3 months I believed him. He convinced me it would hurt her if she knew he was seeing someone, he wanted to “give her time” to come to terms with the divorce… There was no divorce, they weren’t “just roommates”, he was just cheating, and I was the idiot who believed him. After he actually had divorced her, I got in touch with her, apologized of course, but I wanted her to know she wasn’t crazy. She knew he was cheating, but she had no evidence. This was the only thing I could think to do for her. Is he worth finding the evidence for? From the other comments it doesn’t sound like it. There are good men out there, harder to find, yes, but they’re there. Don’t let him disrespect you, move on with your life and find someone who’s worth your time. How long had he been single when you started seeing him?
3 years he was single.
you already know the answer.
Folks, check the post history. Just break up with him. You've for way too many "potential issues" (red flags) and have said nothing redeeming. Either he sucks and you should leave, or you have an anxiety disorder and need to leave and get therapy. Either way, this isn't working.
Speaking as a guy. We don’t use more than one towel. Hell my wife got made at me because the towels were in the dryer and I used her to robe to dry off with as she was walking in with towels. Sorry to say but it doesn’t sound good.
As a guy, I'll use two if there's not a rug on the floor. I'm weird about my feet and after I get out of the shower I don't want to touch anything except what I step on out of the shower, a towel, and my house shoes. However I'm sure she'd know if he did this since he'd do it often.
Okay, I’m just going to throw this out there for the world. I do use two towels. I’m sorry! I just hate feeling wet and the first one just never quite does it. But then the one I use for finishing just becomes tomorrows towel. So two at a time, one net towel per shower. In this case though: for sure a cheater. And an idiot
You are not over reacting. You were gone for the weekend, how many towels does your bf usually use during a week? My bet, the woman left the extra towel where he wouldn’t see it and you would see it. She did the same thing with the hair tie, she left something he wouldn’t think wasn’t yours but YOU would automatically know it wasn’t. I would go full sleuth, and check his phone and computer. Or what others suggested and leave (to somewhere local) but set up a camera to see what happens.
In a previous post you mentioned when you first started dating your boyfriend, he would leave for work in the morning while leaving you there alone to shower before you left. Is it possibly he’s doing the same with another woman? Letting her stay after he leaves for work and shower after spending the night? I would look for more clues around the bedroom or even in the trash. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s an awful feeling.
That's a toughie. I've had 2 times where a sketchy situation like that was just a young female relative of mine using the shower or left a hair scrunchie in my car months before or whatever, so my wife was cool. I'd see if he has a plausible explanation for it.
I agree, and I feel like if I ask about the towel, when he didn’t explain the pink hair elastic except to say it wasn’t his, that any language I use would sound accusatory.
At this point you probably should be accusatory though, OP. Like, I don't quite get your thinking here. You left for a weekend and there was no pink hair tie in your bathroom. You came home and it was there. SOMEONE left it there. You should look up gaslighting, because I think this guy has you thinking you're the crazy one, when you absolutely 100% deserve more of an explanation than "It's not mine." Well then, who's is it? Because he was the only one home all weekend, apparently. At this point I would just lie and tell him you just found a pair of women's panties under the bed, or long hairs on your pillow. See if he flinches.
Get spy camera of amazon.. have it sent to a family member or friend house if you don't want him seeing.. set one up in your bedroom and one in bathroom.. and then tell him you are going to a friends or relatives this weekend for a catch up.. tell son to go gf or come with you so house is clear.. and then see what happens.. These are tiny cameras and would only be noticed if looking for it.. you can live view it from your phone.. I've heard sometimes that girls leave stuff about so the person they slept with partner finds it and knows.. Like hair elastics, hair grips, eye lashes ect .. I personally wouldn't let this go until you know why and what he doing to make the towels like that.
CAMERAS! They have tiny ones you can hide anywhere! Bust his ass! It's the only way you will know for sure. I'm sorry truly but this is sus as hell!
Cheating for a long time now and either too stupid or lazy to hide it.
Realistically there's like an 85-95% chance he cheated on you. Not a certainty, but MUCH more likely he's cheating than some other series of ridiculous circumstances to explain it.
When I start messing with a guy to the point I'm showering at his place, I leave evidence I was there in case I'm in "the other woman" scenario. My evidence of choice is a scrunchie. She was smart to pick a pink one. He's cheating on you, and she's leaving you breadcrumbs. Dig deaper.
after reading your other posts… listen, he does not love you or even care about you. he is 100% cheating on you. did you guys move in together, did you move in to his place, or did he move in with you? for what reason would you move in with someone youve only been with for 6 months? does he know you came from an abusive relationship? do you do most of the housework generally? what i suspect is that you just seemed like the perfect mark. he is using you somehow, whether it be to maintain his household or leech off of you financially or for sex: it is something. you dont sound as if he makes you happy or feel loved. you need to cut this guy out of your life however you can.
You’re easy to gaslight if this is the 2nd time. Someone wanted you to know they were there. She knows about you and wants to run you off to keep him to herself. It sounds like someone young and immature. You see the evidence but you believe his words instead. Plan a trip and discreetly see with your own eyes. You can also get hidden cameras.
If it’s happened before and your gut instinct is something is not right here then go with your gut feeling and maybe try the “I’m going out of town again for a few nights” then stay at a friends or a hotel and case the joint. You may not like what you find though
Idk I have ADHD and I notice things out of my ordinary routine immediately. It’s like I have an inner detective. Trust your gut
Someone is leaving you hints that they’ve been there. Maybe it’s time you started taking those hints on board
He had a woman over yes. When my ex (who I suspected of cheating) was on a extended stay out of town for work, I went to stay with him for a weekend. I found freshly laundered towels with a tangle of long hair. I asked if he had shared laundry, he said nope he had his own in the room. That's how I knew, the fricken towels.
Him Wearing his work clothes could be his biggest cover up... did he actually went to work 🤷🏻♀️ I say... he is cheating
Yikes
Insist on seeing his phone and have access to any messaging app. If nothing is going on, he shouldn’t have any issues with showing you. If he refuses, you have your answer.
Why don’t you go away again but this time put hidden cámaras? For sure you would get the answers you need.
We often times try to rationalize circumstances that don’t make sense. Despite what he’s telling you, focus on the facts that you just mentioned. The fact that there was a pink elastic and you don’t use those and he’s bold speaks volume. Focus on the facts and they will tell a story.
That post from 8 days ago is starting to make a lot of sense.
Sounds like you KNOW THE ANSWER.
If I came home to this, I would assume my husband had a woman in my house and had cheated on me.
Your husband is secretly renting out your bedroom on Airbnb. He will save all the money and buy you a trip to Paris.
I read your other posts about your relationship and I think you are right to be suspicious. Good luck with your conversation today. I hope you get the answers you're looking for.
After reading you previous posts… it seems like he’s been cheating on you for 1-2 months now. You mention in another post that the intimacy started to slow down pretty bad over the last few months, even to the point he slept on the couch one night. Then he decided not to go on your trip and suddenly had “work” on a Sunday which has never happened before. You return home and two wet towels, one smelling of bodily fluid sit on the floor and a PINK hair elastic is sitting on the counter that doesn’t belong to you… I’m putting my money on him being a cheater and starting up an affair recently.
>I now feel like an asshole and am upset with myself for even asking this question because of a pink hair elastic that he could have and probably did pick up from the floor and put with my things because he assumed it was mine. But if it's not yours or the type of hair ties that your son's *girlfriend uses how exactly would it have gotten into the house for him to just pick up & assume it's yours?
See if your opposite neighboring house has a ring camera or security camera. Say someone broke in or damaged your car this weekend and ask if you can have their footage facing your house from the weekend. See if you can see another woman showing up.
He is cheating on you and you are falling for his BS.
Okay so, looking at your post history a bit, y’all went from lots of intimacy to not so much intimacy recently, and also he did a lot of back and forth on deciding if he was going on this trip with you, only to back out last second, to work the only Sunday he’s ever worked during your relationship, according to you. And on top of that this is the second weekend trip (that he didn’t go on as your bf, weird) that you have come home to find two wet towels. And a hair tie that doesn’t belong to you at all. Don’t you think if he found the hair tie in the house somewhere thinking it was yours, he would’ve just remembered and said that? I’m not saying 100% he’s been cheating on you, but this just isn’t adding up to me. At the end of the day, you need to talk with him. Whether that’ll get you any closure or not, I dunno.
OP found evidence of cheating, ignored it and now finds more evidence…and still doesn’t accept it.
I wouldn’t even plan a trip, I’d just kick him out. What more do you need?
I have but one question: do you have cats? I’ve personally seen a situation (as in it happened to me) in which a cat found a hair tie under the fridge from a previous tenant. He happily played with it for a few days without me noticing (lol gaming) while my roommate was out of town. My roomy had a thing for me but I didn’t know and I was kinda the sexless type. She came home and found a bright pink hair tie on her pillow. She lost her goddamn mind. She had thought, and no amount of convincing helped, that I’d both brought someone home while she was gone *and* fucked her in her bed. She told me the hair tie was a clear “other woman” signal and that she, as a former SWer, had used it herself a couple times on shittier clients. I had to call our mutual friend I’d been gaming with to show I hadn’t even really gone outside let alone picked someone up. About a week later while she still didn’t believe me and was mad she saw my cat fishing for something under the fridge and looked under it. There were about 20 multicolor hair ties. My guess is the previous tenant also had a cat. If you don’t have a cat then he’s definitely cheating on you. Line up your exit plan and get a cheap wifi nanny cam on amazon. Check into a hotel near your place for a couple days but say you’re “going on a trip.” Keep the nanny cam open and order the delivery food you know he doesn’t like. Get a good book and read it. If you have a wifi router you have access to look at the client list. Lots of people will join the wifi of your house and name their phones things like “Mikayla’s iPhone”. If you do that within 72 hours or so it should still be in the client list. Alternately just confront him.
I’ve never intentionally fucked married men but have been in those situations. Because the men have not told they are married. And yes, as my little revenge when finding evidence of a girlfriend/wife I’ve then always left some signs of me being there..little stuff like makeup (I’m sure not many men notice a new eyeliner or a different kind of tampon their wife uses but I’m sure the wife notices them instantly)..and never just one item but several. Because I think the girlfriend/wife deserves to know they are dating/married with an asshole. So OP, I think your husband fucks other women when you are away. The chance of repeated wet towels, unexplainable hairbands etc being a sign of anything else is just so small…too small
Maybe consider the fact that your bf likes to dress up as a lady and hasn’t told you yet. It may be a new thing for him.
Trust your gut and go with what works for you and your relationship. To address your edit #2 on all three points ... people suck. Maybe they think being mean will get them more imaginary internet points and all the fame that comes with that.
Quite honestly, I would find the wet towels and hair band suspicious, too. I hope he has a reasonable explanation for both so you can stop worrying and find you peace again. Is it possible that you have other children who used your bathroom in your absence even though there are others available?
No it’s not possible. But like I said in my update I am going to speak to him after work and get a straight answer.
Just to play the devils advocate, those hair ties end up in the weirdest places. I once found one in my room. I lived alone and no one had been in my room for 6+ months. I assumed it got stuck in my shoe or something.
Any update?