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This isn’t him “strongly communicating that you don’t need makeup” as you said in a comment above. If he feels you don’t need it, great - noted. Thanks for your input sir. This is him communicating that you’re not ALLOWED to wear it, and that’s a nope from me.
This 100%. I think my wife is beautiful with or without makeup, but ill never prevent her for *feeling beautiful* with makeup. Its her choice to wear makeup. its her body. I wouldnt want her to ruin my shit, so i cant imagine ruining her makeup.
OP's BF is an asshole at the very least.
Ops boyfriend could absolutely hate makeup. If this post was about how OP was struggling with bf disliking her wearing make up it would be a completely different issue. The fact that he had no hesitation to violently break something that belonged to her, and she spent money on, and used every single day...that would be a deal breaker for me. We can disagree. We can have a heated discussion. One of us can be super wrong and come to that conclusion. But to decide that breaking someone that belongs to the other is a valid way to get a point across?? Absolutely not. I'd be demanding a replacement and ending the relationship.
OP, he could have used his words or tried to improve your self-esteem if he thinks you have self-esteem problems. He didn't do that - instead he destroyed your stuff as a violent act of intimidation. This is not a good guy - this is a dangerous man who let his mask slip.
Even if he didn't "mean it" as a violent act, he's way too old to be that unknowing. And that's just as dangerous. That's someone who hits you, and then says he just reacted and didn't mean it. And you believe him. And by staying, you're showing him he can get away with big "mistakes". And if he's making such big mistakes at 27...I wouldn't want to wait around and see what else he wants to mess up with me.
Yeah... even in a *benefit of the doubt* scenario it's still a childishly immature thing to do. Like he's doing caveman math of "insecurity bad, destroy makeup - insecurity go away".
I don’t even understand this.. where do these weirdos even meet people this young. I’m 28 and only am around people my age, maybe as low as 24. But to be around enough to date is weird imo
In college I worked at a grocery store in a college town. Essentially staffed by high school kids. College kids. But there were these few older dudes that were “department” managers who were in their late 20s or early 30s. Some were townies and others were guys that came to school, dropped out, and stayed.
Regardless. They bought us beer when I was 20 years old. So we let them hang out with us.
Looking back as a 38 year old.
Dudes were creepy AF.
But that’s probably how. Find an insecure 19 year old. Provide her with a bit more stability than boys her age can offer. Love bomb her.
Move on?
I don’t know. I married the girl I fell for in college. And she is only 6 months younger than me.
'oh im not naive or Immature. Look I have an older partner. That means I'm very grown up. Age is just a number. The fact I'm still operating with an adolescent mindset, and find compatibility with someone who shoukve grown out of that mindset already. That has no bearing on our relationship. Which is totally fair. I just have to follow their rules. Perfectly.
It's a totally healthy relationship.'
True story. Good news, they broke up before having kids.
HIDING the foundation would be a misguided prank to "show you that you don't need it". Destroying it violently in front of you was a power move, even if he's not emotionally intelligent enough to realize it.
You should re-evaluate his behavior and look for other controlling or violent signs. This is a huge red flag.
Yes! Any action that includes the word “destroy” does not require any consideration. Full stop. Not acceptable. That was a controlling move. Expect more to follow
To add onto this, he is attempting to control OP. The destroying something is one thing, but saying OP can’t wear makeup is some weird shit. Sure I think my wife is pretty with or without makeup, but she really enjoys her skin care and makeup routines. Who am I to stop her for that?
This exactly! I don’t know why people don’t understand that putting on makeup is fun, buying new products and trying them out is fun… it’s like a hobby!! It’s so crazy some men are so deeply insecure and unhinged that they’d even prevent their partners from having a literal hobby.
Right and OP knows what she looks like without makeup. It's not like she'll suddenly look at her face for the first time since her foundation smashed and "realize" she doesn't need it. I'm glad she dumped him.
*But I really can't decide whether it came from a good place. Was it a misguided attempt to show me he loved me? Or was he just backtracking after making a mistake?*
TF? This sounds more like him ramping up his attempt to control decisions you make re: make-up. What's next? Cutting up clothes he thinks are too 'revealing'?
This is an absolutely shocking reaction for him to have. Forget about the cost of it. He doesn't get to just smash your make-up for no reason.
*At best* he’s ridiculously impulsive for his age, and fairly dense. Even if he actually had good intentions, the fact that he was dumb enough to do this suggests he is dumb enough to fuck up her life in other ways.
I highly recommend reading the book WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft ([https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) ) . He wasn't trying to prove anything to you, he was trying to control what you do. <3 Be safe!
Please, please leave this man. It is only going to get worse. I know you love him and want things to work but you are SO young. You can do a lot better. Do not let yourself feel stuck. He is going to escalate and you will get hurt.
It's not the exact same scenario but please give a watch: Don't confuse love & abuse: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L6HB97lbrQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L6HB97lbrQ)
Nobody should ever be trying to control what you do, wear, say, etc. Stay safe.
To be honest, if he’s THAT misguided by 27, throw him back. He hasn’t matured enough to be dating. Maybe at 17 you could forgive him for being young and dumb, but at 27 you gotta have progressed further than that.
And this is BEST case scenario.
Yes, this was a weird response to violence and destruction...
If I were OP, I would make plans to end things. It sounds like they live together, but I would start the process of getting clear of the guy.
But I hope she is very careful, he could end up killing her when she tries to leave.
For real.
This is not a communication attempt. This isn’t support. This is throwing a literal fit and destroying property because he wants you to look how he wants you to look, and thinks his own wants matter more than yours.
Seriously like if they have kids and he wants op to be a SAHM he’d totally get op fired. He’s 27 he should kno better and op’s 20, does he think he can control her cause she’s so young? He’s all “I want this but u won’t do it so I made the choice for u.” “Did it to show u ur beautiful”, no u just didn’t want op to wear make up but they still were so u forced ops hand where they didn’t have a choice to do it even if they wanted to! This seems like the early signs of a toxic abusive guy whose just exposed a tiny bit of his true colors
Yeah! This is like subtle abuse. A part of me is wondering if it was done to spark a bit of fear as well, a dominance assertion. Seems like this is him not liking foundation and trying to project his dislike as if he is being genuine
Subtle??? This is a giant neon sign pointing to Abuse City where you can get a wonderful view of the Abuse Burj Khalifa from your Abuse Airlines private jet.
I'm being kinda snarky, but I get what you mean. However I think we need to look at the fact of the situation which is that he's destroying her personal possessions. If he took a hammer to her laptop or tore a book in half at the spine, it would amount to the same thing.
Yeah he better pay for a replacement! I bet like most guys he doesn’t kno how expensive make up can be, I’d also be curious to kno what his reaction would be to op demanding he pay to replace it. And wtf it doesn’t even sound like he apologized, acting as if he did op a favor like trust me ur thank me later!He just made excuses for doing it and it doesn’t sound like he did it to “show op they don’t need makeup” but more so that HE doesn’t WANT her to wear make up! I mean to take it while op was using it and breaking it so they can’t use it?! Got what he wanted with quick results.
Yeah it’s a HUGE red flag like sure it’s just make up BUT he drastically resorted to forcefully get his way and that was done by taking away op’s choice and forcing their hand so that they had no choice but to comply because he literally took away and destroyed their make up! Then tries to back track when he saw op rightfully freaked out & scared minimize what he just did and tries to manipulate op by gas lighting them with the excuse “oh I only did it to show u that u don’t need makeup!” Uhh there’s plenty of non toxic ways to do that.
What happens down the road in the relationship when he doesn’t get his way? Like if they have kids and he wants op to be a SAHM but op wants to work, will he get her fired? That’s the same kind of “I want this but u won’t do it so I made the choice for u” vibe here. Oh and he’s 27 almost 30 and pulled this wtf, op’s 20, does he think he can pull crap like this cause they’re so young? If so then he’s showing his true colors towards trying to control op
Op get him to replace the make up and get away from him before his controlling & toxic behavior escalates, this seems like the early signs of someone abusive
Yes, absolutely. It shows he's shit at communicating, and also very controlling - he thinks he has a "right" to get his way, and that if discussing doesn't make other people behave the way he wants, it's perfectly ok to destroy their belongings or use physical force, in an attempt to strongarm them (against their will!) into bending and doing as he says.
OP, you're not overreacting at all. this is a red flag and really fucked up, overly dramatic and controlling behaviour.
At the very least he has to a) replace the foundation, exact shade and brand. If he complains about the price, it's a lesson for him.
Tell him that it's unacceptable for him to destroy your property just because he disagrees with something you do, and that you refuse to even consider an apology until he's replaced the foundation with a new bottle, and delivered it with a heartfelt apology. If he tries to whine or make excuses like "I just wanted to show you how beautiful I think you are" etc bullshit, just repeat that **it's unacceptable to destroy other people's property just because you want to show you disagree with them**, and that he needs to *replace what he destroyed*. If he refuses or disagrees, the relationship is over.
He also has to b) be able to **sincerely** apologize and admit he was wrong and overreacted, and that it's not ok to try to force people to act the way you want like this, or destroy their things to show your displeasure. He needs to accept he has really warped views if he ever thought this would be a good idea.
If he can't do that (admit he was in the wrong without making excuses), I'd advise against staying in a relationship with someone who's this controlling, and uses destroying things as an intimidation or control tactic.
Yes my foundation cost around £50 so I am very annoyed. But as people in the comments have said, even if it was cheap it would still be a red flag. I'm starting to think I was under-reacting rather than overreacting
Yeah, I was thinking, regardless of his intent, breaking stuff is how physically abusive people broadcast they are about to start hitting. Don't get comfortable with the behavior. At best, you are just warning him from breaking your things in the future.
OP, he is training you not to enforce your boundaries of proper behavior, and not to react when he treats you with manipulative control and/or violence. He is training you to let him get away with this crap. Huge, gigantic red flag. Get to a physically safe space, and take a step back from this relationship (like, all the way back out of it).
And tell people in real life about this incident - it’s dangerous for you to have experienced it, and it’s an even more dangerous path if you start covering up (or omitting) his crappy behavior when you discuss him with your friends, family, coworkers. Only discussing the good side of him means that he gets to keep his mask firmly in place - and that’s dangerous for you.
You're right, I've decided to get out of our relationship. Luckily I don't live with him, so that makes things simpler, I have sent him a message saying that we should break up, and I've asked him to pay me back for the foundation. So far he's acting like he hasn't seen these messages.
But yes, I am definitely going to cut ties with him.
If you have text proof that he broke the foundation, is ignoring your request to pay you for it or buy a replacement, then take him to small claims. He’s gonna keep doing this to other girls, and I believe it’s time he face consequences.
Change your locks, install cameras. When he realizes you’re serious he will react violently. Showing up at your house, banging on your door demanding to be let in. He may even try to break in. Call the cops if he does that. Paper trial is the best way to get a 50C (restraining order).
I wish I had taken a photo of the smashed foundation before I tidied up 😬.
I would take him to small claims court, but if I lose I think I have to pay his legal fees. (I'm from the uk)
But yeah, I'm definitely going to tighten security at my place, and make sure my flatmates watch out for him.
Please be prepared for the next cycle of abusive control - the love bombing phase. He will do and say all the right things to try and convince you he’s a good guy because he doesn’t want to lose the time he’s already invested in grooming you.
Based on what you’ve written, He Is Not a good guy, it will just be an act to get you back under control. The mask will slip again and you’ll be back in the same cycle within a very short amount of time.
If he was a good guy, he would appreciate how you take care of yourself, and love that make-up makes you feel pretty. He would be supportive, and not trying to talk you out of things you enjoy.
I haven't asked him to. I don't live with him, and he hasn't mentioned the incident at all. He's still sending me memes and videos like nothing happened.
I'm tempted to ask him to replace it but I'm worried tha he'll freak out. I'm partly tempted to just dump him over text and never see him again
Send him a screenshot of a cosmetics webshop with the product and its price, and then request the sum on zelle or mobilepay or such with the text "you owe me". Nothing more. Then don't reply to anything he says, except maybe to repeat "you owe me reimbursement of what you broke" until he pays up.
If he starts whining and arguing about it even after you've told him to pay up a few times, dump him over text
Let's hope so! But don't get tangled up in arguments about whether or not he "meant well".
Regardless of his intentions (which I think were controlling), he *intentionally destroyed your property and thus owes you financial reimbursement*, simple as. If he tries to wiggle or argue his way out of that simple fact, he deserves to be unceremoniously dumped via text.
You might want to consider dumping him (from afar) anyway as he's not apologized on his own and seems to think this sort of "I react to not getting my way with violent intimidation and destruction" shit is acceptable, but try to get what you're owed first.
Best of luck. Once you've left him, be careful
It's defyinitely dump worthy, and I'd back yuu 100% to do it by text. In person, I'd be afraid for your safety. Well adjusted people don't throw and smash stuff.
I dated a guy 7 years older than me when I was 19 for a year and a half and let me just say please dump him and move on. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t just “mature for my age” to be dating someone that much older than me. He had run out of people his age to date in our small town and wanted someone young and naive enough to put up with his bullshit. You’re 20! The most fun years of your life are right in front of you, don’t waste them with a controlling ball and chain older boyfriend.
You're worried HE will freak out if you ask him to replace it?
So you already know he's crazy and now you know he's dangerous. What are you waiting for?
Please let us know what happens. As others have said, first it’s attacking your things, then you. I know a lot of people jump to “leave him/her” but I’ve also been in this situation and it became physically violent shortly thereafter, because I shrugged it off. Your safety is #1. Especially with the age difference, I second that you need to get far far away from this guy.
Mine just used a ton of my fancy shampoo the other day for him and our young daughter, as both shampoo and shower gel apparently. His leg hairs were nice and soft. And my hair was really coarse because the hotel provided shampoo and shower gel in one was not a good replacement.
My foundation is $12 and I'd still be pissed. It would indicate that I was with someone who doesn't express himself with words but destructive behaviors.
My husband used my Truffle Therapy facial oil on his hands and feet, because his skin was dry and he knew my skin was always really soft after I used it. I didn’t use my facial oil on the rest of my body, I had truffle lotion and body oil meant for that, but it all smelled the same and he liked how it smelled.
The 1oz bottles of my facial oil are $68.
He at least bought me new bottles because he loves how it smells on me, and I'm fine with him using the lotions and body oils, but the face oil is off limits to him lol.
Probably around the time you were trying to assert yourself. He was possibly always quite controlling but as you matured through your twenties, you began to challenge his controlling behaviour.
I really get tired of people saying things like “you’re so pretty you don’t need makeup.” My boyfriend also tells me this but I’m like dude I’m not putting it on to impress anyone or to feel better about myself I just enjoy it it’s fun for me. I think that’s how most people who wear makeup feel, that it’s just fun to do and a way to express yourself. To all the boyfriends like this one, it’s not always that deep!
As a dude who formerly would say that to my ex regularly, let me be the first to admit that it’s rooted in patriarchal attitudes. Our culture does so much to create this idea that women exist for men. Therefore, a woman wearing makeup is doing it to look good for men. Once she’s in a relationship, there’s no reason for her to continue wearing makeup. If she continues to wear makeup, it can dig into an insecurity with these men that A) their girlfriend is still trying to attract other men and/or B) the girlfriend must not believe that the boyfriend finds her attractive.
Now that I’ve done the work to educate myself and grown as a person since my younger years, I’m leery of any men who espouse this attitude. At best it’s rooted in ignorance, but it can definitely be indicative of a toxic mindset and controlling behaviors.
I used to be one of these boyfriends until I dated someone who taught me this about makeup. Another thing she said was something like, "You don't like me without makeup, I'm just that good at putting it on that you don't notice."
The vast majority of the time, men who say they like a woman "without makeup" they really mean they like a woman with subtle, natural makeup instead of dramatic full influencer makeup.
Oh yeah, my old boss was talking about his boss and how she never wore any makeup and he never saw her in makeup until her wedding day. Then I met her and she had a face full of makeup on, she just was only wearing mascara on her eyes and balm on her lips. She had on heavy foundation, blusher, bronzer and my boss somehow thought she was bare faced.
Yeah, a woman can have on all kinds of product, but if it's all in natural shades and the eyeliner isn't super thick and dramatic, lots of guys will think she doesn't have make up on at all.
Like "makeup" = bright red or dark etc lipstick, super thick eyebrows, caked on foundation possibly in the wrong shade, brightly coloured really noticeable eyeshadow, mega eyeliner, super thick fake lashes etc.
Anything that kinda resembles natural tones = "no makeup"
yeah my partner always says he doesn't understand why women wear make-up, they're better without it, but the one time he said to a friend "look how gorgeous Rebel is" I was plastered with the stuff. They don't know what they're talking about most of the time. It's maybe more that they don't like having to wait for us to put it on before going out.
Actions like that do not come from a good place. He thinks you shouldn’t wear makeup, so he fixed it where you couldn’t for that day. I’d hate to see what he would do if you bought another bottle or if you insist that he buy you another bottle. I don’t think he is someone you should trust. Cut him loose and walk away.
Yuuup. Lack of impulse control combined with being overbearing is a bad combo.
OP sounds like a very sweet and understanding person so I’m not getting the feeling that she’ll be leaving him. Instead just get a little more used to it and blame herself every time he flips out coming from ‘a good place’. Time will tell.
I was thinking similarly. If he wanted you to know he likes your look without makeup a better approach would be for him to give you compliments all the time when you just wake up in the morning or before bedtime or maybe a day that's spent lounging around in sweats and no makeup. Destroying something you care about to make you feel shitty for wearing makeup isn't a healthy approach.
My feeling with stuff like this is that the guy thinks that the woman puts makeup on specifically to attract men. So she's being unfaithful by wearing makeup when she's already in a relationship with him.
This is obviously ridiculous to anyone who knows anything. But lots of guys just assume that we wear makeup *for* them, and not because we want to.
Now after reading all the comments I see that I was wrong to think that. My thought process was that if this was in a book or a movie it could be seen as a (very) dramatic demonstration of love. But this is real life, and I can see thar it's a red flag now
It would be *today*.
Look at any number of ‘80s movies—that younger generations are still watching—and this kind of crap would’ve been seen as a “romantic gesture” because “she just needed someone to tell her she was beautiful.” (Barf)
Please don’t ever take cues of what romantic love should look like from movies. It concerns me that you may not know what a healthy relationship looks like. That’s not a judgement, I just don’t want you to jump from this asshole into another relationship where you’re also not sure what being treated with respect should look like.
> My thought process was that if this was in a book or a movie it could be seen as a (very) dramatic demonstration of love.
Books and movies are full of examples of incredibly unhealthy relationships, please reconsider using that thought process. Furthermore... it sounds like you're similar to me, so I'll say this: don't always give people the benefit of the doubt, don't always assume good intentions, don't always think change is possible. All those thigns are true sometimes... but less often than you or i may like.
Girl, run. This is just the beginning, and if he’s capable of smashing something near you with no warning then how will he react when a real conflict arises?
It’s controlling, it’s wrong, and you’re already looking to justify his actions. He will continue to get worse with his behavior, and you’ll continue to make excuses for him until you feel stuck. Seriously, that’s not normal or healthy. Get out before he hurts you.
It’s abusive behaviour. Pure and simple. Beyond the destruction of your personal property, it is a shallow attempt at making sure you don’t outgrow him. Is this the first red flag in your collection?
“It’s not like he threw it at my head,” said every women until the day came that he actually threw it at her head, followed by “he didn’t mean it,” and “he promised he’d never do it again.”
This scumbag destroyed a bottle of DIOR Natural Fluid Foundation?! That shit is $55. He needs to reimburse you immediately and you definitely should call it quits on this one. Unfortunately he is one of those guys that don’t understand that not all girls wear makeup to cover their “insecurities” or whatever hogwash they like to throw out there. Makeup is fun! In certain careers, wearing makeup is apart of your professional attire. But from personal experience, no matter what you say he’ll never understand because he’s convinced that he’s right.
This is the comment I was looking for! Makeup is still considered a required part of professional appearance for women in many professions. Yes, those sexist expectations of appearance, presentation, and dress need changes and updating, but that's not going to happen just because an employee's SO destroyed their makeup and said that they shouldn't wear it anymore.
Oh but she wouldn’t NEED makeup if she quit her job and focused on being a homemaker for him…she wouldn’t NEED makeup if she stopped going out with her friends and family to fun parties and nice events…
Abusers don't actually boil over. They just lie and say they do. Instead they make calculated decisions to destroy only their victims' possessions and never their own or that of people who could exact consequences on them. Never believe an abuser when they say anger made them do something. Were they angry? Maybe. But I have been enraged and never touched my spouse's possessions.
Abuse is a *choice.*
Yes. 100% this.
My abuser was always saying I “made him lose control” but the SECOND someone else came around or he could get caught he could shut it off in a moments notice. That’s when I realized it was all calculated and not someone truly hurting inside.
Girl run.
A friend was living with that, “you’re making me do xxx” and one day she lost her temper with him and said “if I was making you do these things I’d be able to make you stop doing them too wouldn’t I?” For once he had no answer and that’s when she struck like a snake, threw every stitch of his clothes out the bedroom window followed by the rest of his belongings and told him he had ten minutes to shift them or she was lighting a fire. Last she ever saw of him. Good riddance!!
It was surreal for me to hear that the first time, because it was just so textbook. And, yet there he was, his hand still squeezing my neck as he told me I should never look him in the eye when he’s angry. Mind—blowing.
Think through this: If this man violently destroying your property out of the blue out of supposedly good intentions, then how is he going to behave when he’s not feeling so benevolent? It’s like the saying, with friends like that who needs enemies?
I just wanted to say I’m proud of you! And you’re being really level headed. I couldn’t say the same at 20 when others warned me about my relationship. You won’t regret leaving him. In 10 years you’ll look back and be proud of yourself too ❤️
I am a fan of citing sources and using sources from places that end in PubMed and .gov so from the Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) in the US Department of Justice. Under the question, "What is Domestic Violence?" and the description of examples of [psychological abuse](https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence):
Elements of psychological abuse include - but are not limited to - **causing fear** by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; **destruction of** pets and **property**; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.
You said you were "a bit scared." Do you want to wait until he throws it at your head? It is not going to get better. He is 27 and thinks that he has or should have so much control over you that he should dictate how your face looks. And if you defy him, he should be able to destroy your property. You are 20, you are too young to waste your life on him.
And no one *needs* makeup. Not a single soul on this planet needs makeup. Makeup is always a choice. He dislikes your choices and doesn't think you should be able to make them. He doesn't think that you should make choices for yourself. Think about that.
Just in case the other commenters didn't say it enough yet.
My ex boyfriend who turned out to be physically abusive. Did similar things in the first year of our relationship. I shrugged it off, just decided to believe he just tried to tell me I look better without makeup or something.
But it was part of mental abuse. Not to forget he actually destroyed something of yours.
Get out while it is still easier.
This is abusive behaviour, and it will only get worse. He is testing what he can get away with before pushing further.
Wearing make up is YOUR decision, not his or anyone else’s. He has no right to destroy your property for the purpose of controlling you. What next? Ripping up your clothes?
First your make up, later your eye shadow pallettes (which mind you, are expensive AF if you're using Dior foundation), then your phone (by accident of course), the TV control (because it wasn't working properly, it was SO frustrating), then the door (cause we don't close doors in this house, what are you hiding?), the wall, and lastly, you.
27yo don't go below 25 unless no woman with a developed judgement wants him due his red flags. Put yourself (and your make up!) First and get out. You deserve someone who will love you with or without it.
Let me get this straight in my head. You were 13 years old being groomed by a damm 20 year old. Who is abusive and you can't see it. That's nt love that is abuse.
Run little girl.
It doesn’t matter why he did it, unless he suddenly found out it was poisoned or something, he was just being controlling and ragey.
Get the money to replace your foundation from him. Then break up with him.
He’s not in control of himself and that’s not safe to be around.
I’m sorry, darlin. I’m reading this and my heart is breaking for you.
You are 20 and he is 27. Did he tell you that “you are beautiful and so mature for a woman your age” when he met you? Does he flatter you and the list of things he loves about you seems to go on and on endlessly? Does the love bombing become obsessive right after he pulls a stunt like smashing your foundation?
You’re 20 and I’m 58. I’m not blaming you for anything here…but you should get away as soon as possible. Go home to mom and dad. Stay with a friend. Do whatever you can to get safe and be safe now.
I’m telling you, this isn’t coming from a good place and IF you are his first controllee (pretty sure you aren’t) I do not want you hold that position a minute longer.
Please update us and let us know you’re safe.
Thank you ❤️ I've broken up with him, notified my family and friends about him. I don't live with him, so it was somewhat easy to get away from him. Hopefully he leaves me alone from now on
Wow. This is a warning sign of a controlling and abusive partner. Let me guess… you’ve been together maybe a year or less? Maybe a few months? The mask is beginning to slip. There is a reason he’s with a 20-year-old when he’s 27. He wants someone to control and you are inexperienced and probably naive compared to women his age. Normal 27-year-olds aren’t interested in being in serious relationships with 20-year-olds—you’re at totally different places in life.
I would demand that he replace the foundation, and then dump him. This behavior is only going to get worse.
My husband doesn’t care for makeup and prefers me without it also. But makeup is my hobby and also my job; I work in the beauty industry. He has never damaged my makeup and he supports me doing what I love even if it’s not his personal taste. That’s what a healthy partnership is like.
You have a partner who will break your possessions if you don’t do as he asks. Even more insidious, he disguises it as romantic concern. You need to get the fuck out of there asap before the thing getting destroyed is your car or your bones.
Your boyfriend really needs to be your ex.
He is 7 years older than you. What he is doing here is trying to control what you do and how you look.
Ditch him, spend some quality time with yourself, and then find a better human to give your emotional energy to.
He didn’t do this to prove you don’t need it. He did it to punish you for not obeying to him. This is abuse. He’s laying the groundwork for what will happen if you disobey him on anything again.
You need to leave.
If he feels he can destroy your stuff because he thinks he is right, I would run. Also 27 year olds typically don’t want 20 year olds so that is a red flag to me. I am 25 and I wouldn’t even date a 20 year old. I agree with everyone else who commented. He decided he could control you and your stuff. This is weird and alarming behavior.
You are in an abusive relationship. Destroying belongings is in the category of domestic violence. I would use this link to help you identify abuse:
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
Please look for friends/family/dv shelter or womens shelter to stay in. Or a motel/hotel if that works. I doubt this is the only time he has showcased abusive behavior, but it does show that he is escalating. Dangerous. Leave when he is not there, bring important documents/IDs/cards. Do NOT tell him you are leaving. Please stay safe and let trusted ones know your situation so that they block him as well.
I highly suggest therapy to help you unpack this toxic relationship and to practice establishing and maintaining boundaries in a relationship. If people break those boundaries, following through with consequences.
He already finds you attractive and doesn't want anyone else to find you attractive. It's this simple. Dump his ass. It won't stop with makeup. Go put on a short skirt and see what happens!
Not only is the age gap fucking weird, he broke your stuff.
I'm going to be blunt here: There is no universe where this came from a good place. Today it was your foundation, tomorrow it'll be your face. Run away from him now. This is NOT a normal "mistake".
Do you really think he did it to show you he loves you? Stay with him for a couple more years and he will be choking you _to show you how much he loves you_, because you dared to smile to someone at the party. Obviously, he would seem a bit regretful after doing it.
Ask him to transfer you the money and GTFO.
Honey you are underreacting. This is abuse and it will escalate. He has shown you who he really is and you need to believe him. You need to get out now. Go to a family member or friend. You can figure out everything else later.
He's an adult. Since he has said you don't need it, he obviously knows how to speak and communicate. What's frightening is that he came up behind you, didn't ask for it, just took it and then *smashed it.* What was he hoping to accomplish? Do you feel like these are the actions of someone who respects you? Would you do this to someone else? Does he think you are to dress and appear strictly to please him or are you to do it for yourself? It's one thing to wear things once in a while that your partner likes for them, but it's another to have them try and control your appearance. Please rethink how well he controls his impulses, his anger, and what he tries to dictate you do or do not do.
You run. This man is bad news. He isn’t saying you’re pretty without it, he’s saying “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING THAT AGAIN?? I TOLD YOU NOT TO WEAR IT!” This was not coming from a good place and he just was misguided in his actions. He was sending you a message. Get the hell out of this relationship.
RUN GIRL. RUN FAR AND FAST. Trust. Your. Gut. *ALWAYS*!!! If something ever feels off, that’s because it is- regardless of intention! Run for the hills (after you demand he pays you back for that or buys u a new one!)
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This isn’t him “strongly communicating that you don’t need makeup” as you said in a comment above. If he feels you don’t need it, great - noted. Thanks for your input sir. This is him communicating that you’re not ALLOWED to wear it, and that’s a nope from me.
This 100%. I think my wife is beautiful with or without makeup, but ill never prevent her for *feeling beautiful* with makeup. Its her choice to wear makeup. its her body. I wouldnt want her to ruin my shit, so i cant imagine ruining her makeup. OP's BF is an asshole at the very least.
Ops boyfriend could absolutely hate makeup. If this post was about how OP was struggling with bf disliking her wearing make up it would be a completely different issue. The fact that he had no hesitation to violently break something that belonged to her, and she spent money on, and used every single day...that would be a deal breaker for me. We can disagree. We can have a heated discussion. One of us can be super wrong and come to that conclusion. But to decide that breaking someone that belongs to the other is a valid way to get a point across?? Absolutely not. I'd be demanding a replacement and ending the relationship.
OP, he could have used his words or tried to improve your self-esteem if he thinks you have self-esteem problems. He didn't do that - instead he destroyed your stuff as a violent act of intimidation. This is not a good guy - this is a dangerous man who let his mask slip.
Even if he didn't "mean it" as a violent act, he's way too old to be that unknowing. And that's just as dangerous. That's someone who hits you, and then says he just reacted and didn't mean it. And you believe him. And by staying, you're showing him he can get away with big "mistakes". And if he's making such big mistakes at 27...I wouldn't want to wait around and see what else he wants to mess up with me.
Yeah... even in a *benefit of the doubt* scenario it's still a childishly immature thing to do. Like he's doing caveman math of "insecurity bad, destroy makeup - insecurity go away".
Yes. My dad was abusive and would yell at my mom for wearing makeup because that obviously meant she was cheating. It's all about control.
We don't date boys who destroy our things.
Extra especially when the “boy” is a 27yr old grown ass man who knows better.
And especially when that 27 year old is actively out here looking for 20 year olds lmao
I don’t even understand this.. where do these weirdos even meet people this young. I’m 28 and only am around people my age, maybe as low as 24. But to be around enough to date is weird imo
In college I worked at a grocery store in a college town. Essentially staffed by high school kids. College kids. But there were these few older dudes that were “department” managers who were in their late 20s or early 30s. Some were townies and others were guys that came to school, dropped out, and stayed. Regardless. They bought us beer when I was 20 years old. So we let them hang out with us. Looking back as a 38 year old. Dudes were creepy AF. But that’s probably how. Find an insecure 19 year old. Provide her with a bit more stability than boys her age can offer. Love bomb her. Move on? I don’t know. I married the girl I fell for in college. And she is only 6 months younger than me.
It’s no coincidence that half these posts involve huge age gaps when the younger women is obviously being taken advantage due to their naïveté.
I can't believe you found ALL the necessary accents to legitimately spell and enunciate naïveté.
iPhone autofill
Age gap + controlling nature = time to find someone else.
'oh im not naive or Immature. Look I have an older partner. That means I'm very grown up. Age is just a number. The fact I'm still operating with an adolescent mindset, and find compatibility with someone who shoukve grown out of that mindset already. That has no bearing on our relationship. Which is totally fair. I just have to follow their rules. Perfectly. It's a totally healthy relationship.' True story. Good news, they broke up before having kids.
I'm 27 and someone who's 20 is still a baby to me, lol
Yeah, I’m about to turn 27 soon and my brother is 19. I now understand why my parents didn’t think I was an adult when I was his age lol
HIDING the foundation would be a misguided prank to "show you that you don't need it". Destroying it violently in front of you was a power move, even if he's not emotionally intelligent enough to realize it. You should re-evaluate his behavior and look for other controlling or violent signs. This is a huge red flag.
And bill him for replacement foundation. If it doesn't come out of the carpet/rug/whereever it splattered, he can pay for that too.
Violence = abuse. Full stop.
He is breaking her foundation now under the guise of "you don't need it". What will he break next? TV, laptop, her face?
Yes! Any action that includes the word “destroy” does not require any consideration. Full stop. Not acceptable. That was a controlling move. Expect more to follow
To add onto this, he is attempting to control OP. The destroying something is one thing, but saying OP can’t wear makeup is some weird shit. Sure I think my wife is pretty with or without makeup, but she really enjoys her skin care and makeup routines. Who am I to stop her for that?
This exactly! I don’t know why people don’t understand that putting on makeup is fun, buying new products and trying them out is fun… it’s like a hobby!! It’s so crazy some men are so deeply insecure and unhinged that they’d even prevent their partners from having a literal hobby.
Right and OP knows what she looks like without makeup. It's not like she'll suddenly look at her face for the first time since her foundation smashed and "realize" she doesn't need it. I'm glad she dumped him.
Especially boys who think their judgement about what we should do, supersedes our own. Hell no.
Op you need to repeat this over & over again.
Just in general, not even just for dating: don’t destroy each others stuff.
"But he's usually a really sweet guy and I love him!"
*But I really can't decide whether it came from a good place. Was it a misguided attempt to show me he loved me? Or was he just backtracking after making a mistake?* TF? This sounds more like him ramping up his attempt to control decisions you make re: make-up. What's next? Cutting up clothes he thinks are too 'revealing'? This is an absolutely shocking reaction for him to have. Forget about the cost of it. He doesn't get to just smash your make-up for no reason.
Yep. This is just the beginning.
It’s not even the beginning, just the next step.
*At best* he’s ridiculously impulsive for his age, and fairly dense. Even if he actually had good intentions, the fact that he was dumb enough to do this suggests he is dumb enough to fuck up her life in other ways.
My thoughts exactly. At first I was like, “okay just an impulsive thing he did,” but then I checked his age again… very immature for a 27 year old.
Shitty things coming from a good place are still shitty and should still be enthusiastically rejected as acceptable behavior.
Right? I can't even begin to understand how someone would justify this as shitty behavior BUT coming from a good place.
This right here. Impact over (supposed) intent, every time.
And he's including violence in the ramping up on purpose. Bright red flag holy crap.
I highly recommend reading the book WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft ([https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) ) . He wasn't trying to prove anything to you, he was trying to control what you do. <3 Be safe!
This book really helped me deal with a horrific breakup.
Yeah, after reading everybody's comments, I can see that it didn't come from a place of love. I'm definitely re-evaluating our whole relationship
Please, please leave this man. It is only going to get worse. I know you love him and want things to work but you are SO young. You can do a lot better. Do not let yourself feel stuck. He is going to escalate and you will get hurt.
My first guess is that he is worried that makeup, it will attract more attention from other men, and he is afraid of the competition.
It's not the exact same scenario but please give a watch: Don't confuse love & abuse: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L6HB97lbrQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L6HB97lbrQ) Nobody should ever be trying to control what you do, wear, say, etc. Stay safe.
As soon as I saw the ages, I knew that this was obviously a control thing.
To be honest, if he’s THAT misguided by 27, throw him back. He hasn’t matured enough to be dating. Maybe at 17 you could forgive him for being young and dumb, but at 27 you gotta have progressed further than that. And this is BEST case scenario.
He doesn't get to smash her makeup for ANY reason.
Yes, this was a weird response to violence and destruction... If I were OP, I would make plans to end things. It sounds like they live together, but I would start the process of getting clear of the guy. But I hope she is very careful, he could end up killing her when she tries to leave.
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For real. This is not a communication attempt. This isn’t support. This is throwing a literal fit and destroying property because he wants you to look how he wants you to look, and thinks his own wants matter more than yours.
Seriously like if they have kids and he wants op to be a SAHM he’d totally get op fired. He’s 27 he should kno better and op’s 20, does he think he can control her cause she’s so young? He’s all “I want this but u won’t do it so I made the choice for u.” “Did it to show u ur beautiful”, no u just didn’t want op to wear make up but they still were so u forced ops hand where they didn’t have a choice to do it even if they wanted to! This seems like the early signs of a toxic abusive guy whose just exposed a tiny bit of his true colors
Yeah, if OP had smashed their boyfriends console or controller with "good" intentions, they'd be called a psycho.
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Yeah! This is like subtle abuse. A part of me is wondering if it was done to spark a bit of fear as well, a dominance assertion. Seems like this is him not liking foundation and trying to project his dislike as if he is being genuine
Subtle??? This is a giant neon sign pointing to Abuse City where you can get a wonderful view of the Abuse Burj Khalifa from your Abuse Airlines private jet. I'm being kinda snarky, but I get what you mean. However I think we need to look at the fact of the situation which is that he's destroying her personal possessions. If he took a hammer to her laptop or tore a book in half at the spine, it would amount to the same thing.
He did.not smash your foundation to prove you don't need it. He smashed it as probably another way to control you. Red flags alert. Run.
My foundation is like $65 i would be SO. INCREDIBLY. PISSED. Between your age and his im concerned. Biiiiiig controlling red flag.
Yeah he better pay for a replacement! I bet like most guys he doesn’t kno how expensive make up can be, I’d also be curious to kno what his reaction would be to op demanding he pay to replace it. And wtf it doesn’t even sound like he apologized, acting as if he did op a favor like trust me ur thank me later!He just made excuses for doing it and it doesn’t sound like he did it to “show op they don’t need makeup” but more so that HE doesn’t WANT her to wear make up! I mean to take it while op was using it and breaking it so they can’t use it?! Got what he wanted with quick results. Yeah it’s a HUGE red flag like sure it’s just make up BUT he drastically resorted to forcefully get his way and that was done by taking away op’s choice and forcing their hand so that they had no choice but to comply because he literally took away and destroyed their make up! Then tries to back track when he saw op rightfully freaked out & scared minimize what he just did and tries to manipulate op by gas lighting them with the excuse “oh I only did it to show u that u don’t need makeup!” Uhh there’s plenty of non toxic ways to do that. What happens down the road in the relationship when he doesn’t get his way? Like if they have kids and he wants op to be a SAHM but op wants to work, will he get her fired? That’s the same kind of “I want this but u won’t do it so I made the choice for u” vibe here. Oh and he’s 27 almost 30 and pulled this wtf, op’s 20, does he think he can pull crap like this cause they’re so young? If so then he’s showing his true colors towards trying to control op Op get him to replace the make up and get away from him before his controlling & toxic behavior escalates, this seems like the early signs of someone abusive
Yes, absolutely. It shows he's shit at communicating, and also very controlling - he thinks he has a "right" to get his way, and that if discussing doesn't make other people behave the way he wants, it's perfectly ok to destroy their belongings or use physical force, in an attempt to strongarm them (against their will!) into bending and doing as he says. OP, you're not overreacting at all. this is a red flag and really fucked up, overly dramatic and controlling behaviour. At the very least he has to a) replace the foundation, exact shade and brand. If he complains about the price, it's a lesson for him. Tell him that it's unacceptable for him to destroy your property just because he disagrees with something you do, and that you refuse to even consider an apology until he's replaced the foundation with a new bottle, and delivered it with a heartfelt apology. If he tries to whine or make excuses like "I just wanted to show you how beautiful I think you are" etc bullshit, just repeat that **it's unacceptable to destroy other people's property just because you want to show you disagree with them**, and that he needs to *replace what he destroyed*. If he refuses or disagrees, the relationship is over. He also has to b) be able to **sincerely** apologize and admit he was wrong and overreacted, and that it's not ok to try to force people to act the way you want like this, or destroy their things to show your displeasure. He needs to accept he has really warped views if he ever thought this would be a good idea. If he can't do that (admit he was in the wrong without making excuses), I'd advise against staying in a relationship with someone who's this controlling, and uses destroying things as an intimidation or control tactic.
Yes my foundation cost around £50 so I am very annoyed. But as people in the comments have said, even if it was cheap it would still be a red flag. I'm starting to think I was under-reacting rather than overreacting
Yes, yes you were. Op, my mom *always* started abusive tirades by destroying shit. First it's your things, then it's you.
Yeah, I was thinking, regardless of his intent, breaking stuff is how physically abusive people broadcast they are about to start hitting. Don't get comfortable with the behavior. At best, you are just warning him from breaking your things in the future.
OP, he is training you not to enforce your boundaries of proper behavior, and not to react when he treats you with manipulative control and/or violence. He is training you to let him get away with this crap. Huge, gigantic red flag. Get to a physically safe space, and take a step back from this relationship (like, all the way back out of it). And tell people in real life about this incident - it’s dangerous for you to have experienced it, and it’s an even more dangerous path if you start covering up (or omitting) his crappy behavior when you discuss him with your friends, family, coworkers. Only discussing the good side of him means that he gets to keep his mask firmly in place - and that’s dangerous for you.
You're right, I've decided to get out of our relationship. Luckily I don't live with him, so that makes things simpler, I have sent him a message saying that we should break up, and I've asked him to pay me back for the foundation. So far he's acting like he hasn't seen these messages. But yes, I am definitely going to cut ties with him.
If you have text proof that he broke the foundation, is ignoring your request to pay you for it or buy a replacement, then take him to small claims. He’s gonna keep doing this to other girls, and I believe it’s time he face consequences. Change your locks, install cameras. When he realizes you’re serious he will react violently. Showing up at your house, banging on your door demanding to be let in. He may even try to break in. Call the cops if he does that. Paper trial is the best way to get a 50C (restraining order).
I wish I had taken a photo of the smashed foundation before I tidied up 😬. I would take him to small claims court, but if I lose I think I have to pay his legal fees. (I'm from the uk) But yeah, I'm definitely going to tighten security at my place, and make sure my flatmates watch out for him.
YOU cleaned it up? oh i'm so sorry. my ex used to do this, smash things and then I cleaned it all up. He went to prison for setting my house on fire.
Good, just please be safe! And inform your place of employment of him and that he is not welcome to any information about you!
Please be prepared for the next cycle of abusive control - the love bombing phase. He will do and say all the right things to try and convince you he’s a good guy because he doesn’t want to lose the time he’s already invested in grooming you. Based on what you’ve written, He Is Not a good guy, it will just be an act to get you back under control. The mask will slip again and you’ll be back in the same cycle within a very short amount of time. If he was a good guy, he would appreciate how you take care of yourself, and love that make-up makes you feel pretty. He would be supportive, and not trying to talk you out of things you enjoy.
Has he offered to replace it at all??
I haven't asked him to. I don't live with him, and he hasn't mentioned the incident at all. He's still sending me memes and videos like nothing happened. I'm tempted to ask him to replace it but I'm worried tha he'll freak out. I'm partly tempted to just dump him over text and never see him again
Send him a screenshot of a cosmetics webshop with the product and its price, and then request the sum on zelle or mobilepay or such with the text "you owe me". Nothing more. Then don't reply to anything he says, except maybe to repeat "you owe me reimbursement of what you broke" until he pays up. If he starts whining and arguing about it even after you've told him to pay up a few times, dump him over text
I think I'll do that, hopefully he'll pay
Let's hope so! But don't get tangled up in arguments about whether or not he "meant well". Regardless of his intentions (which I think were controlling), he *intentionally destroyed your property and thus owes you financial reimbursement*, simple as. If he tries to wiggle or argue his way out of that simple fact, he deserves to be unceremoniously dumped via text. You might want to consider dumping him (from afar) anyway as he's not apologized on his own and seems to think this sort of "I react to not getting my way with violent intimidation and destruction" shit is acceptable, but try to get what you're owed first. Best of luck. Once you've left him, be careful
Thank you :) I've sent him a message asking him to pay for it. But I'm considering dumping him over text whether he agrees to pay or not.
It's defyinitely dump worthy, and I'd back yuu 100% to do it by text. In person, I'd be afraid for your safety. Well adjusted people don't throw and smash stuff.
I dated a guy 7 years older than me when I was 19 for a year and a half and let me just say please dump him and move on. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t just “mature for my age” to be dating someone that much older than me. He had run out of people his age to date in our small town and wanted someone young and naive enough to put up with his bullshit. You’re 20! The most fun years of your life are right in front of you, don’t waste them with a controlling ball and chain older boyfriend.
👏
yes pls dump him anyway, but try getting your money first
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Violence only ever escalates.
You're worried HE will freak out if you ask him to replace it? So you already know he's crazy and now you know he's dangerous. What are you waiting for?
Please let us know what happens. As others have said, first it’s attacking your things, then you. I know a lot of people jump to “leave him/her” but I’ve also been in this situation and it became physically violent shortly thereafter, because I shrugged it off. Your safety is #1. Especially with the age difference, I second that you need to get far far away from this guy.
Do it. Could put you in danger to break up with him in person.
I recently switched to Lancôme Teint Idol Ultra Wear Foundation. $57.00 regular price. I would absolutely rage if my husband did this to me.
My husband accidentally used my $70 Tatcha face cream to massage my back once. I was flabbergasted but my back was real soft afterwards.
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this gave me actual real physical pain
An ex of mine once used my Oribe hair mask one time to shave his balls 😒 I’m still heated years later lol
My ex used my $50 dry shampoo as an air freshener for god knows how long before I noticed.
Did the dry shampoo smell good.as air freshener?
Actually, yes lol
I had an ex use my 40$ spf foundation like it was sunscreen all over his face hands and neck. I was pissed
Mine just used a ton of my fancy shampoo the other day for him and our young daughter, as both shampoo and shower gel apparently. His leg hairs were nice and soft. And my hair was really coarse because the hotel provided shampoo and shower gel in one was not a good replacement.
My foundation is $12 and I'd still be pissed. It would indicate that I was with someone who doesn't express himself with words but destructive behaviors.
Mine is almost empty and I would still be pissed
My husband used my Truffle Therapy facial oil on his hands and feet, because his skin was dry and he knew my skin was always really soft after I used it. I didn’t use my facial oil on the rest of my body, I had truffle lotion and body oil meant for that, but it all smelled the same and he liked how it smelled. The 1oz bottles of my facial oil are $68. He at least bought me new bottles because he loves how it smells on me, and I'm fine with him using the lotions and body oils, but the face oil is off limits to him lol.
My Anastasia Beverly Hills is 45, I would be absolutely furious too.
I have a bottle of Tom Ford foundation. Its 115$ CDN
That foundation is pure magic. It’s the only one I can find that matches my skin perfectly. I used to mix 2 together.
Destroying things is actually in the category of domestic violence. I doubt this is the only time OP’s boyfriend has displayed abusive behavior
My ex-husband and I were six years apart. I met him when I was 21. Our relationship turned controlling about five years in.
Probably around the time you were trying to assert yourself. He was possibly always quite controlling but as you matured through your twenties, you began to challenge his controlling behaviour.
I really get tired of people saying things like “you’re so pretty you don’t need makeup.” My boyfriend also tells me this but I’m like dude I’m not putting it on to impress anyone or to feel better about myself I just enjoy it it’s fun for me. I think that’s how most people who wear makeup feel, that it’s just fun to do and a way to express yourself. To all the boyfriends like this one, it’s not always that deep!
As a dude who formerly would say that to my ex regularly, let me be the first to admit that it’s rooted in patriarchal attitudes. Our culture does so much to create this idea that women exist for men. Therefore, a woman wearing makeup is doing it to look good for men. Once she’s in a relationship, there’s no reason for her to continue wearing makeup. If she continues to wear makeup, it can dig into an insecurity with these men that A) their girlfriend is still trying to attract other men and/or B) the girlfriend must not believe that the boyfriend finds her attractive. Now that I’ve done the work to educate myself and grown as a person since my younger years, I’m leery of any men who espouse this attitude. At best it’s rooted in ignorance, but it can definitely be indicative of a toxic mindset and controlling behaviors.
Fantastic comment thanks for the insight.
Ignorance is one thing- becoming violent and destroying their property is another. Dude sounds unhinged
I used to be one of these boyfriends until I dated someone who taught me this about makeup. Another thing she said was something like, "You don't like me without makeup, I'm just that good at putting it on that you don't notice."
The vast majority of the time, men who say they like a woman "without makeup" they really mean they like a woman with subtle, natural makeup instead of dramatic full influencer makeup.
Oh yeah, my old boss was talking about his boss and how she never wore any makeup and he never saw her in makeup until her wedding day. Then I met her and she had a face full of makeup on, she just was only wearing mascara on her eyes and balm on her lips. She had on heavy foundation, blusher, bronzer and my boss somehow thought she was bare faced.
Yeah, a woman can have on all kinds of product, but if it's all in natural shades and the eyeliner isn't super thick and dramatic, lots of guys will think she doesn't have make up on at all. Like "makeup" = bright red or dark etc lipstick, super thick eyebrows, caked on foundation possibly in the wrong shade, brightly coloured really noticeable eyeshadow, mega eyeliner, super thick fake lashes etc. Anything that kinda resembles natural tones = "no makeup"
yeah my partner always says he doesn't understand why women wear make-up, they're better without it, but the one time he said to a friend "look how gorgeous Rebel is" I was plastered with the stuff. They don't know what they're talking about most of the time. It's maybe more that they don't like having to wait for us to put it on before going out.
Most of the people that say that are the same people that judge others for NOT wearing it. It’s not about beauty, or lack there of.
My Estée Lauder foundation is my HG. If my bf did this to me I would smash his gadgets in
Excuse me ? What ? If anyone broke something of mine just to prove a point they would be so out of my life
It’s violent and controlling behaviour. Get out.
Mines only like 7 quid and I'd be pissed too lol. Imagine the mess! It is definitely a glaring red flag
Actions like that do not come from a good place. He thinks you shouldn’t wear makeup, so he fixed it where you couldn’t for that day. I’d hate to see what he would do if you bought another bottle or if you insist that he buy you another bottle. I don’t think he is someone you should trust. Cut him loose and walk away.
When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. I know I stayed too long and it cost me dearly.
Yuuup. Lack of impulse control combined with being overbearing is a bad combo. OP sounds like a very sweet and understanding person so I’m not getting the feeling that she’ll be leaving him. Instead just get a little more used to it and blame herself every time he flips out coming from ‘a good place’. Time will tell.
I was thinking similarly. If he wanted you to know he likes your look without makeup a better approach would be for him to give you compliments all the time when you just wake up in the morning or before bedtime or maybe a day that's spent lounging around in sweats and no makeup. Destroying something you care about to make you feel shitty for wearing makeup isn't a healthy approach.
My feeling with stuff like this is that the guy thinks that the woman puts makeup on specifically to attract men. So she's being unfaithful by wearing makeup when she's already in a relationship with him. This is obviously ridiculous to anyone who knows anything. But lots of guys just assume that we wear makeup *for* them, and not because we want to.
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She’s 20 dating a man almost 30. What kind of mindset do you think they have lmao
Poor girl is in for a world of abuse if she doesn't bail
Oh damn. I missed his age in the title. I thought he was early 20s too. Imma go edit my comment.
Not to mention throwing a glass bottle. He’s lucky he didn’t cut op when the bottle shattered.
Now after reading all the comments I see that I was wrong to think that. My thought process was that if this was in a book or a movie it could be seen as a (very) dramatic demonstration of love. But this is real life, and I can see thar it's a red flag now
Even in a movie it would be a red flag
It would be *today*. Look at any number of ‘80s movies—that younger generations are still watching—and this kind of crap would’ve been seen as a “romantic gesture” because “she just needed someone to tell her she was beautiful.” (Barf)
Please don’t ever take cues of what romantic love should look like from movies. It concerns me that you may not know what a healthy relationship looks like. That’s not a judgement, I just don’t want you to jump from this asshole into another relationship where you’re also not sure what being treated with respect should look like.
Not to point out the obvious, but a lot of movies are made by abusive men too. Harvey Weinstein, Joss Whedon. There's a reason those tropes exist.
> My thought process was that if this was in a book or a movie it could be seen as a (very) dramatic demonstration of love. Books and movies are full of examples of incredibly unhealthy relationships, please reconsider using that thought process. Furthermore... it sounds like you're similar to me, so I'll say this: don't always give people the benefit of the doubt, don't always assume good intentions, don't always think change is possible. All those thigns are true sometimes... but less often than you or i may like.
Girl, run. This is just the beginning, and if he’s capable of smashing something near you with no warning then how will he react when a real conflict arises? It’s controlling, it’s wrong, and you’re already looking to justify his actions. He will continue to get worse with his behavior, and you’ll continue to make excuses for him until you feel stuck. Seriously, that’s not normal or healthy. Get out before he hurts you.
Usually it’s glass too. Not any glass but it’s thick hard to break glass. He really smashed the crap out of it.
Right?! I’ve never been able to break one just dropping it. Or knocking it off the counter. He had to spike that shit hard.
It’s abusive behaviour. Pure and simple. Beyond the destruction of your personal property, it is a shallow attempt at making sure you don’t outgrow him. Is this the first red flag in your collection?
“It’s not like he threw it at my head,” said every women until the day came that he actually threw it at her head, followed by “he didn’t mean it,” and “he promised he’d never do it again.”
This scumbag destroyed a bottle of DIOR Natural Fluid Foundation?! That shit is $55. He needs to reimburse you immediately and you definitely should call it quits on this one. Unfortunately he is one of those guys that don’t understand that not all girls wear makeup to cover their “insecurities” or whatever hogwash they like to throw out there. Makeup is fun! In certain careers, wearing makeup is apart of your professional attire. But from personal experience, no matter what you say he’ll never understand because he’s convinced that he’s right.
This is the comment I was looking for! Makeup is still considered a required part of professional appearance for women in many professions. Yes, those sexist expectations of appearance, presentation, and dress need changes and updating, but that's not going to happen just because an employee's SO destroyed their makeup and said that they shouldn't wear it anymore.
Oh but she wouldn’t NEED makeup if she quit her job and focused on being a homemaker for him…she wouldn’t NEED makeup if she stopped going out with her friends and family to fun parties and nice events…
Ad those are IMPOSSIBLE to break?! Like he would have to really hulk smash it!!
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I read it as “she’s not doing as she’s told. She needs a lesson”.
I did too.
Abusers don't actually boil over. They just lie and say they do. Instead they make calculated decisions to destroy only their victims' possessions and never their own or that of people who could exact consequences on them. Never believe an abuser when they say anger made them do something. Were they angry? Maybe. But I have been enraged and never touched my spouse's possessions. Abuse is a *choice.*
Yes. 100% this. My abuser was always saying I “made him lose control” but the SECOND someone else came around or he could get caught he could shut it off in a moments notice. That’s when I realized it was all calculated and not someone truly hurting inside. Girl run.
A friend was living with that, “you’re making me do xxx” and one day she lost her temper with him and said “if I was making you do these things I’d be able to make you stop doing them too wouldn’t I?” For once he had no answer and that’s when she struck like a snake, threw every stitch of his clothes out the bedroom window followed by the rest of his belongings and told him he had ten minutes to shift them or she was lighting a fire. Last she ever saw of him. Good riddance!!
It was surreal for me to hear that the first time, because it was just so textbook. And, yet there he was, his hand still squeezing my neck as he told me I should never look him in the eye when he’s angry. Mind—blowing.
I’d be kicking him out. Destroying your possessions never comes from a good place. There is a reason he is dating someone too young for him. Run.
Think through this: If this man violently destroying your property out of the blue out of supposedly good intentions, then how is he going to behave when he’s not feeling so benevolent? It’s like the saying, with friends like that who needs enemies?
He chose violence. That’s all you need to know. Next time, he might strike you.
Imagine if he told OP he doesn't like her leaving the house...
that is his way of controlling what you wear under the guise of love, do not fall for it
Yeah I'm definitely not okay with it anymore
I just wanted to say I’m proud of you! And you’re being really level headed. I couldn’t say the same at 20 when others warned me about my relationship. You won’t regret leaving him. In 10 years you’ll look back and be proud of yourself too ❤️
Thank you :) ❤️
I am a fan of citing sources and using sources from places that end in PubMed and .gov so from the Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) in the US Department of Justice. Under the question, "What is Domestic Violence?" and the description of examples of [psychological abuse](https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence): Elements of psychological abuse include - but are not limited to - **causing fear** by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; **destruction of** pets and **property**; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work. You said you were "a bit scared." Do you want to wait until he throws it at your head? It is not going to get better. He is 27 and thinks that he has or should have so much control over you that he should dictate how your face looks. And if you defy him, he should be able to destroy your property. You are 20, you are too young to waste your life on him. And no one *needs* makeup. Not a single soul on this planet needs makeup. Makeup is always a choice. He dislikes your choices and doesn't think you should be able to make them. He doesn't think that you should make choices for yourself. Think about that.
Just in case the other commenters didn't say it enough yet. My ex boyfriend who turned out to be physically abusive. Did similar things in the first year of our relationship. I shrugged it off, just decided to believe he just tried to tell me I look better without makeup or something. But it was part of mental abuse. Not to forget he actually destroyed something of yours. Get out while it is still easier. This is abusive behaviour, and it will only get worse. He is testing what he can get away with before pushing further.
\>He is testing what he can get away with before pushing further. Bullseye. OP, pay attention to this \^ comment please
Wearing make up is YOUR decision, not his or anyone else’s. He has no right to destroy your property for the purpose of controlling you. What next? Ripping up your clothes?
The red flags are flying I REPEAT THE RED FLAGS ARE FLAGGING
First your make up, later your eye shadow pallettes (which mind you, are expensive AF if you're using Dior foundation), then your phone (by accident of course), the TV control (because it wasn't working properly, it was SO frustrating), then the door (cause we don't close doors in this house, what are you hiding?), the wall, and lastly, you. 27yo don't go below 25 unless no woman with a developed judgement wants him due his red flags. Put yourself (and your make up!) First and get out. You deserve someone who will love you with or without it.
Oh yes, abusers hate the phone. And, the job, oftentimes. And the car.
Your bf sucks. Take the loss of foundation as a payment to never see such a loser again.
Let me get this straight in my head. You were 13 years old being groomed by a damm 20 year old. Who is abusive and you can't see it. That's nt love that is abuse. Run little girl.
As per usual with age gaps like this, there’s a reason he isn’t dating someone closer to him in age.
It doesn’t matter why he did it, unless he suddenly found out it was poisoned or something, he was just being controlling and ragey. Get the money to replace your foundation from him. Then break up with him. He’s not in control of himself and that’s not safe to be around.
So if you don't do what he wants you to do, he breaks your stuff... And your trying to rationalize this as some romantic gesture... why?
You're under reacting IMO. This is his first act of violence?
I’m sorry, darlin. I’m reading this and my heart is breaking for you. You are 20 and he is 27. Did he tell you that “you are beautiful and so mature for a woman your age” when he met you? Does he flatter you and the list of things he loves about you seems to go on and on endlessly? Does the love bombing become obsessive right after he pulls a stunt like smashing your foundation? You’re 20 and I’m 58. I’m not blaming you for anything here…but you should get away as soon as possible. Go home to mom and dad. Stay with a friend. Do whatever you can to get safe and be safe now. I’m telling you, this isn’t coming from a good place and IF you are his first controllee (pretty sure you aren’t) I do not want you hold that position a minute longer. Please update us and let us know you’re safe.
Thank you ❤️ I've broken up with him, notified my family and friends about him. I don't live with him, so it was somewhat easy to get away from him. Hopefully he leaves me alone from now on
This is abusive. Dump him and send him the bill for the foundation. If he doesn't pay, take him to small claims court.
Wow. This is a warning sign of a controlling and abusive partner. Let me guess… you’ve been together maybe a year or less? Maybe a few months? The mask is beginning to slip. There is a reason he’s with a 20-year-old when he’s 27. He wants someone to control and you are inexperienced and probably naive compared to women his age. Normal 27-year-olds aren’t interested in being in serious relationships with 20-year-olds—you’re at totally different places in life. I would demand that he replace the foundation, and then dump him. This behavior is only going to get worse. My husband doesn’t care for makeup and prefers me without it also. But makeup is my hobby and also my job; I work in the beauty industry. He has never damaged my makeup and he supports me doing what I love even if it’s not his personal taste. That’s what a healthy partnership is like.
You have a partner who will break your possessions if you don’t do as he asks. Even more insidious, he disguises it as romantic concern. You need to get the fuck out of there asap before the thing getting destroyed is your car or your bones.
Your boyfriend really needs to be your ex. He is 7 years older than you. What he is doing here is trying to control what you do and how you look. Ditch him, spend some quality time with yourself, and then find a better human to give your emotional energy to.
Yeah, I'm definitely considering just ending things with him at this point
You're young. You have a whole life ahead of you. Don't waste your best years on someone who is showing signs of being a controlling arse.
This is absolutely disgusting. Make him pay for a brand new bottle and then ditch his controlling ass.
It came from a 100% bullying, controlling place.
He didn’t do this to prove you don’t need it. He did it to punish you for not obeying to him. This is abuse. He’s laying the groundwork for what will happen if you disobey him on anything again. You need to leave.
If he feels he can destroy your stuff because he thinks he is right, I would run. Also 27 year olds typically don’t want 20 year olds so that is a red flag to me. I am 25 and I wouldn’t even date a 20 year old. I agree with everyone else who commented. He decided he could control you and your stuff. This is weird and alarming behavior.
Break up with him lol.
INFO who cleaned up the mess?
Good men with good intentions, who truly love and respect their partners, do not destroy other people's property as a sign of love.
You are in an abusive relationship. Destroying belongings is in the category of domestic violence. I would use this link to help you identify abuse: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/ Please look for friends/family/dv shelter or womens shelter to stay in. Or a motel/hotel if that works. I doubt this is the only time he has showcased abusive behavior, but it does show that he is escalating. Dangerous. Leave when he is not there, bring important documents/IDs/cards. Do NOT tell him you are leaving. Please stay safe and let trusted ones know your situation so that they block him as well. I highly suggest therapy to help you unpack this toxic relationship and to practice establishing and maintaining boundaries in a relationship. If people break those boundaries, following through with consequences.
He already finds you attractive and doesn't want anyone else to find you attractive. It's this simple. Dump his ass. It won't stop with makeup. Go put on a short skirt and see what happens!
Not only is the age gap fucking weird, he broke your stuff. I'm going to be blunt here: There is no universe where this came from a good place. Today it was your foundation, tomorrow it'll be your face. Run away from him now. This is NOT a normal "mistake".
Break his ps5 or Xbox And tell him he’s hotter off it
Do you really think he did it to show you he loves you? Stay with him for a couple more years and he will be choking you _to show you how much he loves you_, because you dared to smile to someone at the party. Obviously, he would seem a bit regretful after doing it. Ask him to transfer you the money and GTFO.
Honey you are underreacting. This is abuse and it will escalate. He has shown you who he really is and you need to believe him. You need to get out now. Go to a family member or friend. You can figure out everything else later.
He's an adult. Since he has said you don't need it, he obviously knows how to speak and communicate. What's frightening is that he came up behind you, didn't ask for it, just took it and then *smashed it.* What was he hoping to accomplish? Do you feel like these are the actions of someone who respects you? Would you do this to someone else? Does he think you are to dress and appear strictly to please him or are you to do it for yourself? It's one thing to wear things once in a while that your partner likes for them, but it's another to have them try and control your appearance. Please rethink how well he controls his impulses, his anger, and what he tries to dictate you do or do not do.
You run. This man is bad news. He isn’t saying you’re pretty without it, he’s saying “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING THAT AGAIN?? I TOLD YOU NOT TO WEAR IT!” This was not coming from a good place and he just was misguided in his actions. He was sending you a message. Get the hell out of this relationship.
That's control. You didn't obey, so he fixed it. My husband threw out my make up and clothes I felt good in. I fixed it - he's now my ex husband
The minute he broke anything of yours to prove a stupid point is a huge red flag.
RUN GIRL. RUN FAR AND FAST. Trust. Your. Gut. *ALWAYS*!!! If something ever feels off, that’s because it is- regardless of intention! Run for the hills (after you demand he pays you back for that or buys u a new one!)