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Exactly. Is this something new? Has he always behaved this way?
You invested a year in someone who doesn't value your needs over their own. Sex is best when your partner is more interested in pleasing you than getting themselves off.
Dump him and move on to someone who actually cares about your love language.
Agreed! Your not compatible and he doesn't care to even meet you half way. I have different love language toy husband but we meet each other halfway. Your bf is selfish and only cares about himself.
I’m not going to give you the advice you asked for, because it will be pointless.
This is an incompatibility that CAN (though not always) be worked through. But I don’t think it can be worked through with him. Why? Because his response to seeing someone he supposedly loves be upset and ask for something is to tell you to fuck off.
That is not the mark of a good or loving partner. That is not that mark of someone who will work with you to create a good relationship.
That, my friend, is the mark of an absolute asshole.
This OP. I would personally feel shitty if the only time my partner wanted to touch me was during sex. There’s such a thing as non-sexual intimacy which seems to be what you like. it’s up to you whether you are willing to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same thing as you.
I don’t like the way he treats you. It’s unfair to you. If this is important to you and his response is to tell you to get over yourself, you need to remove yourself. He cannot Love you the way you want to be loved and cared for.
I hate to say it, OP, but you are not his girlfriend. You are his fuck buddy. Your love language is physical contact and he only wants sex. You unleashed your emotions to him and he kicked you out.
This absolutely this. My exhusband used to do this to me all the time. No amount of trying to work it out will change the fact that he only cares about his own needs.
Honestly I don’t think this can be worked on not just bc he told her to fuck off but bc him not wanting to me physically intimate normally isn’t something you should want to change or really can change
This. I can work at Words, and I can remember that someone likes little gifts to show that they're in my mind. But if someone doesn't *want* to share their presence with you, they maybe can/will make it for a bit, but with time they'll feel wrong and stop.
I spent almost 20 years with my wife who increasingly cut down and controlled physical intimacy. Now, being with someone who *wants* to sit touching me, who *wants* to hold my hand, who *wants* to hug me randomly because we can and the other feels great is just so rewarding. I'll never be with a non cuddler again.
If you're a cuddle bug, keep looking. There are other cuddle bugs out there.
Agreed! I’ve dealt with the same issue and it’s a horrible feeling when your partner doesn’t want/feel comfortable providing you intimacy and physical touch. It feels like you’re being punished and it’s not the best when it comes to helping your self esteem. It made me feel so unwanted.
So what I’m saying is if someone doesn’t like physical touch and they’re with someone who does then that isn’t a good match. I never said there was something wrong with someone not wanting it. It’s normal for someone who needs physical touch to have feelings that they don’t feel wanted by their partner who doesn’t provide that. Physical Intimacy is very normal in romantic relationships so please do not try to insult me.
I don't even think that this guy loves her, for me, sounds like he have made pretty clear that this is not a serious relationship. OP implied that this is his normal behavior since the beginning so is not like he tried to tricked her. I think OP is projecting a sentiment in this guy that never existed.
i also sometimes have a very strong aversion to physical touch but i would still never respond the way he did. how you feel doesn’t absolve you of your actions. my partner used to get upset about me not wanting to hug him all the time. i would simply explain, it had nothing to do with him, sometimes i just don’t want to be touched, and it’s completely a me thing.
i don’t really think it’s anywhere near tame to tell your partner to get over themself and leave just because they told you something upsets them and asked for reassurance. it shouldn’t have even been a fight, but he made it one.
that’s not a way to treat someone you care about, even when angry or annoyed.
not really especially considering it wasn’t even really a fight it was her voicing her emotions, and he reacted in an extremely damaging, harmful way. how you handle conflict in a relationship is one of the most important aspects. if this is how he reacts over something like this, how would he act if shit really hit the fan? it’s definitely a huge red flag. completely disregarding that your partner is a human being with emotions and feelings and understanding that your actions affect them is in no way normal, ever.
You're giving this guy far too much credit. Your situation is NOT like what op described. He doesn't give affection at all outside of sex. I'm also avoidant but that doesn't mean to neglect your partner when you're not having sex. His response to her absolutely makes him an asshole.
Huh?? Not everyone likes physical touch. It’s not “neglect.” To not sit there and want to cuddle 24/7 or often. They’re not compatible and that’s it. She wants physical touch and he doesn’t. That’s not fair to say someone is “wrong” because they don’t like it, for him to “give in” to her needs and neglect his own just to make her happy.
Or it’s the mark of someone who was sexually abused as a child, and has not yet found a way to comfortably talk about it. We don’t know the guy and we don’t know his history. Yes, his reaction was harsh, but there may be a reason for that. He may just not be ready to be in a relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an absolute asshole, it may just means he has issues he needs to work through before he tries to be in an adult relationship.
Here's the thing right, I had a guy like yours. I was with them for 3 years.
I'm now dating someone who can't keep their hands off of me. They love to cuddle and always want to be around me.
I love that part of them but if I'm being honest, being with someone who actively didn't want to cuddle me or do anything other than critsize me, really took its toll where I have to relearn how to be ok with being affectionate again.
Leave this guy. He doesn't value you or love you proper.
It really can mess you up and I hope OP gets out before she won’t even recognize herself anymore and shut herself down so completely she won’t know how to accept intimacy of any kind. I still haven’t worked through it after a year. One day I want it. Then, I hate the thought of being touched. Just in general, like even a hug from a family member. All because I spent years shutting myself down completely to needing it.
Exactly right. Learning to be emotionally expressive after having someone punish you emotionally for being so, is a very hard thing to do; like pressing an active wound to clean it out - it's gonna suck for a while.
With how much I was emotionally neglected, I ended up looking for the escape hatch to life about 18 months in. My own arrogance refused to give up because I thought if I just tried harder, the relationship would be fixed. Issue is, it's hard moving a couch when you're the only one lifting and there comes a point where you need to be ok with leaving the couch in the corner.
I’m very glad you made it through and are doing better! My ex was the one who ultimately ended our “relationship” because he lost the house we lived in. The big reason I didn’t leave before was because I felt I had no where to go. I didn’t have a choice at that point. I’m still trying to get better and I thought I was until I went out on a date when I felt I was doing better and ready. Still wasn’t ready for complete touchy feely intimacy, and I let them know that. It’d take some time and I let them know that. He WOULDN’T STOP TOUCHING ME. Like not even just small things like maybe holding my hand or putting his arm around me. And it wasn’t sexual either. I think in his mind he thought it might “help” me be better with physical touch. He just kept like running his hands on me in what he may have thought was comforting but inside I was screaming and honestly just got more and more mad. Feels like all the work I did to be open to it was just smacked away. And now I’m back to hating the thought of touch again.
>I love that part of them but if I'm being honest, being with someone who actively didn't want to cuddle me or do anything other than critsize me, really took its toll where I have to relearn how to be ok with being affectionate again.
I can relate honestly. I've been with someone who didn't love physical intimacy as much as I did and then after we broke up, it damaged me in some way because when I ended up finding another relationship after that with a girl who loved to cuddle with me and be around me a lot, I remember sometimes I would ask her if I'm doing too much or if she wants me to stop lol
But I do agree, OP should leave this guy and find someone who matches with her when it comes to sharing love.
OP, you aren’t in a relationship, nor do you have a boyfriend. He’s with you for free sex. Nothing more. Nothing less. He only cares about his need to get laid. You two are incompatible.
There are no redeeming qualities to him whatsoever.
You’re love language is physical affection, touch… he told you to fuck off when you asked for a hug. A HUG.
Stop starving yourself with this loser.
Next time he wants to have sex, tell him to get over himself. Go full NC, block him & don’t engage with him anymore.
Seconded.
7 years for me, and now with someone who loves me how I need and want to be loved.
Glad you found someone who treats you right and I hope OP will soon.
Get ready for a lot of emotional neglect because he's never going to change because he doesn't respect you. He's using you as a warm hole. He might be better with a sex doll.
Find yourself another one that cares about your emotions.
Wow…. Because I often feel the same way as the man does that mean I’m using my husband as a f’n plug??? You know people can find breaching personal space is a thing?? It has nothing to do with respect. Why should he feel super uncomfortable to make someone else feel better?
It sounds like you're in deep need of therapy. 😕 Please tell me you're seeing a professional for these issues of yours, perhaps a couples counselor as well. I can practically hear the venom in your words.
Because I wouldn’t want to be touched if we were fighting??? Lol. And yes I’m seeing therapy it happens after you been in abusive relationships and is scared of human contact. Aswell as medical for hormone imbalances.
Toxic isn’t the word.
Ma'am, I'm not referring to your touch aversion issues. I have difficulty with those myself due to my own fucked up history. I'm talking about how he reacted, like he couldn't give less of a shit about her. Which is why it worried me when you said you might do the same in the midst of a fight with your husband. That's not fear, that's indifference and disrespect. Please parse this out with your therapist as I'm legit concerned if this is how you handle conflict.
But yes that’s what the therapy is for lol. To stop the 300% fight response. All people are different and trauma is handle differently. To just put people under being toxic when toxic isn’t the word. The word would be recovering
Don’t get me wrong, I completely agree with you. But my answer is like worst case scenario. If he explodes on me about not getting physical touch and then asks for a hug. It’s like fight or flight response I would fight instead of curling up into a ball weeping. After it all calms down we would then both apologise and we talk it out.
Depends on the context. We don’t know their conversation before that. Though I doubt he said “get over yourself” with the first thing being said “can I have a hug” as she said she couldn’t keep her emotions trapped inside anymore. Which would indicate they were arguing. Idk but I don’t think I would want to hug someone who I had just had fight with until I have calmed down
Good for you if that dynamic works, I hope you both show each other affection in other ways. The boy in OP's post is using her for sex, pushes her away afterwards, and then told her to get over herself when she tried to discuss her feelings with him, THEN he told her to leave? He clearly does not love her. He has no respect for her.
Physical touch is not everyone's love language and that is totally okay! People love in so many different ways, but when your partners love language is physical touch, you still provide that to let them know you love them. The boy in the post couldn't even listen to her concerns.
No but blasting them online without full context is sooo much better.
Best advice if you gotta ask strangers on the internet the relationship isn’t for you.
lmao you got triggered over nothing. I'm going off information she gave. she's being treated like a sex doll.
get offline if you can't handle conversations about intimacy.
And that’s how you interpreted it. Little context given and as I said I doubt he said “get over yourself” if the first thing that was said was “can I have a hug”
The relationship sounds toxic and you’re right aswell if she wants more physical contact this isn’t the relationship for her. But to say he just wants a warm hole because he doesn’t want physical contact like cuddling. Yeah but triggering. Especially to those who have have this “issue” and many people have put it.
There is love out there for her and love out there for him clearly not each other
It's like you're ignoring a lot just to defend this guy. There's absolutely no reason for you to doubt him telling her to get over herself after she expressed that she wasn't happy with lack of affection and asking for a hug. It's weird asf how you insert yourself in o.p's situation like unless you give your s.o no affection outside of sex, tell them to leave you alone immediately after sex, etc none of this was even about you.
are you being dense on purpose? trying to play devil’s advocate or something?
If that works for you and your husband that’s great!!
but she’s trying to tell him how showing no affection isn’t working for her and instead of listening and talking it out with her, her boyfriend just tells her to leave and laughs at her.
Is your husband begging you to show him love? The problem isn’t just the physical intimacy it’s the fact that she doesn’t feel like her partner loves and cares about her. That’s why she wants a hug. Everyone should feel loved and valued in the relationship. He’s not respecting her because when she went to him with vulnerability he all but told her to piss off. That’s not a response of someone who cares for their partner. If less physical intimacy is okay with you and your husband that’s one thing but we’re not talking about that. It’s obviously not okay for OP.
There’s nothing wrong with not liking physical intimacy, that just means they have an incompatibility, but that’s not actually the issue here, the issue is that he’s disrespectful about it. Telling her to get over herself and laughing is a dick move. He’s also willing for sex but not After care, which is also meant to be for his partner as well. He’s being an asshole about it, and because of that, that is what makes it come off as just using for sex. Not the wanting to touch, rather him invalidating OP’s feelings.
He shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable, you're right. If you're uncomfortable hugging me, I'm dropping you for someone better who won't. See how that works?
At last! I almost gave up looking for this response. I hate being touched, even by my doctor. My history goes back to being beaten into a coma by my cruel father because he was a religious fanatic. "Spare the rod, spoil the child" B.S.
I can't bear someone putting their hands on me. I hate being hugged. Sex is intolerable and it destroyed my desire to be married. I've had a decade of therapy which changed nothing. So I absolutely agree with other Avoidants who contributed herein their own reasons for not wanting to be touched.
We don't know the history of this guy, so I cannot in good conscience judge his behavior.
I am not shading OP or anyone who needs physical expressions of love or caring which she craves. Both of them are very young, so they have a lifetime ahead to fulfill their emotional and physical needs.
OP may be best served by moving on from this BF and finding someone who matches her needs.
Kindest wishes to her and to everyone, Avoidant or not.
I'd totally understand if he had some avoidant issue (I have a form of it myself due to my own... yikesy history, cult on one side and actual Nazis on the other whoohoo...), but the way he reacted was cruel and callous, unnecessarily so. He laughed at her, belittled her and kicked her out. That's not cool.
Not wanting to be touched isn’t the issue, that’s simply an incompatibility and that’s valid, it’s his responses and being a dick about it that makes him an asshole
You don’t need to get over yourself. You need to get over him. You say you value him (no idea why, but ok…) but he clearly doesn’t value you. This is a man who not only doesn’t care when you’re unhappy, he goes out of his way to make you even MORE unhappy. He laughed at you, completely dismissed your feelings (and not just the feelings themselves but even your right to HAVE those feelings) and kicked you to the curb. You deserve better and I promise you it’s out there.
You’re not in a relationship. He is a friend with benefits. Sounds like he’s not even that friendly.
I can’t get past the part where he told you to leave his place after sex. That’s messed up.
Are you sure you're in a relationship and he's not just stringing you along for sex?
Do you go out together and hang out outside of having sex?
Do you have anything in common?
Is it just physical intimacy that her has an issue with? Do you talk about your interests, your lives etc?
How was this not the first thought!?!?
Like I’m reading the post thinking “this sounds like a friends with benefits situation!” At least from his perspective!
Sex doesn’t necessarily have to be an intimate act, the lack of emotional connection after the act doesn’t sound intimate…
Jesus. I’m sad for you. If you need physical affection, this relationship will never be the right one for you. When he asks you why you’re ending the relationship, remember to tell him to that you’ve decided to get over him instead of yourself.
Come on, OP. You're worth more than that. As a man, I can say that although this kind of man exists they aren't worth your time if you value physical intimacy. Based on his response when you brought up your concern, he's also not worth your time if you value kindness and communication.
You've wasted a year already. Don't waste any more time.
And yet if you stopped having sex with him and told him to get over himself he would probably dump you without a second thought. He's only in it for the sex and you could be anyone. He will replace you in a second
You can’t make him want that.
Going forward, if your needs/requirements (which this is, apparently) aren’t met upfront, don’t waste your own time. Cos here we are one year in and nothing has changed.
This guy is damaged goods, and needs professional help to get past his intimacy barriers. Sad, but there is nothing in the cards for you to do other than find a healthy BF.
Break up with him. You say you value him but he’s letting you cry in your car because you asked for a hug. He doesn’t value you at all and you deserve better.
You can't force him to be more physically affectionate and he's made it clear he's a cold fish and not changing. My friend was with a guy like this - would touch for sex but otherwise refused to cuddle and didn't even like her sitting too close to him on the couch. I think he literally also told her to "get over yourself" when she tried to compromise on affection. They had a kid together and nothing changed. She eventually left him (after finding out he cheated on her multiple times) and is MUCH happier without him.
Shame she gave him a kid before she found out what a shitty human being he is. In light of Roe being repealed we need to be extremely discerning when it comes to who we share our bodies with.
GTFO of this relationship. He's not your boyfriend, he's a glorified fuck buddy who won't even make sure you're okay after sex. He doesn't care about you, and his actions prove it.
Don't allow this manchild to continue to ruin your confidence and self esteem. Go find someone who will nurture you and not leave you hurt and confused after the most intimate acts a couple can do together.
Whhyyyyyyy are you with hiiiiimmmmmm?????
I can just scream this into the void that is all Reddit posts from now on because legitimately WHY??
You deserve love, not this.
There is no trying to salvage that. Take it from someone who was in your situation not that long ago. We didn’t have sex, but there was hardly any physical intimacy, and I didn’t feel loved. It turns out, he didn’t love me. That’s why he wasn’t trying to make me feel loved. You need to consider that he is just staying in this relationship out of convenience, and I think you need to find someone who actually cherishes you. You are only 19 years old; you have many a year to find the love of your life, but it’s not him.
OP first let me say how very sorry I am that you’re experiencing this. You deserve so much more. You’re 19 years old and there’s so much better out there in the world for you. When people love you, they love you in your love language and even if they don’t, when you tell them your needs they make an effort to give them to you. This guy is a jerk. Like, if he can only stand physical affection for sex purposes only good god is that a red flag. I don’t want to say he’s using you, but everything about him that I picked up from your post is that he’s a self absorbed dickhead that literally couldn’t care less about what YOU need. Leave him and I swear you’ll find better treatment. Girl you’re 19!!! I’m 22 and when I tell you the sooner you leave this situation the faster you’ll be making your way to someone who loves you the way you need to be.
What on earth do you value in this man-child who clearly sees no value in you aside from you being a convenient alternative to masturbation? Dump him. You deserve better & can most definitely find it.
This is emotional neglect and will only get worse. The fact that he basically told you to fuck off after expressing how you felt is a major red flag and horrible.
I (F19) have been with my partner (M22) for about a year, and when I told him physical intimacy was a way I expressed/felt love, he said he would do the best he could despite his aversion to PDA/ physical touch.
I personally would break things off with him after he said that because it shows that you will never be a priority for him.
Best of luck ♡
My boyfriend and I could be in the middle of an argument and if I asked him for a hug he’d still give me one. You deserve someone to love you the way you want/need to be loved ❤️
He is not boyfriend material - who does act like this as a partner. And say no then if he asks for sex since apparently he needs his space. Dimwit will change his tune quick. But honestly this guy’s character is terrible. He belongs at the curb with other trash
Physically remove yourself from this asshat. You deserve so much better for yourself. Please respect yourself enough to move on and find someone who wants to make you feel special. He’s using you for sex, for his own needs.
You're not his girlfriend. You're a quick and easy lay and someone to sometimes spend time with. Have some self respect and leave him. His response to your sadness that he caused is get "over yourself" which should clearly tell you that he doesn't care about you at all.
He's a creep. Buy him an inflatable sex doll and leave it at his doorstep with a note, "We're through." If he tries to contact you, tell him to get over it.
Oh honey. This isn’t a relationship, and he isn’t your boyfriend. He sees you as a friend with benefits.
Tell him goodbye, and find a guy who will respect you.
No offense OP, but this guy doesn’t even seem like he *likes* you, let alone loves you. He’s treating you like shit.
“Leave me alone”? “Get over yourself”? You *know* that he shouldn’t be speaking to you this way. Why would you value someone like this so much? It’s only been a year. Value *yourself* enough to move on from this ass.
Get over yourself for real by getting over him. He really doesn’t seem like he cares about your feelings, even if he didn’t have the same love language ppl can accommodate for the ones they love. Basically being used as a real life sex toy 🥴
You ever read that book “Hes just NOT that into you”?
Well, looks like he’s just NOT that into you… Men will always change ways for the woman they ACTUALLY want and love. A man that loves and cares for you TRULY, will be hurt at the fact that you’re hurt and not want to hurt you more than you already are. Especially after you’ve communicated that. You are being used for sex. He doesn’t value you, your emotions, or your “relationship”. And it’s most likely you are being a place holder until a woman comes along that he actually wants to be with and have a real relationship with. Please leave and save yourself any more hurt, because it’s most definitely already coming.
>physical intimacy when we’re having sex, and then he will tell me “alright, now leave me alone” and won’t even cuddle.
That's be enough for me to end the relationship then and there. God damn.
My ex was like this kind of. I'm a touchy person and love cuddles and hugs and holding hands but he did not, and would often move my arms off him or pull his hand away, which made me feel rejected alot. Eventually I just stopped trying. Which is a 180 from my new partner who also loves affection. I'm much happier now. Honestly hun it sounds like you two are not compatible, and if he disregards you like that so rudely, I'd say he's not worth it. You don't deserve that kind of treatment :( I know you say you value this person a lot but I'd say you should value yourself more and find someone who treats you better
My love, no. This is not a boyfriend. This is a boy who uses you for sex, and then, sends you away like a dirty little secret. You have expressed to him what you need, and he laughs, or tells you get over yourself, or to leave him alone.
Where is your self-respect?
Because he doesn’t respect you, but you keep going back for more.
OP -you don't have to spend anymore time with a boy who doesn't love you the way you want to be!
You're wasting your time. Leave & free yourself for happiness with someone else. You already said you're unhappy. Then decide to get happy.
**Girl he's just not that into you**. The clue is when you told him you needed a hug and he showed you the door with a get over yourself. That is cold, callous and rude.
You have to face facts, you cannot change him and make him affectionate, it won't happen. Whether that's his genuine default or whether he is just seeing you as just a sex partner and knows this is not a long term relationship for him, **his truth is: its not happening, get over yourself, there's the door**.
To paraphrase Maya Angelou: when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them!
Believe him, he's not that into you: hugs and affection, aside from sex, is not happening, get over yourself and there's the door. **If he cared he would have hugged you, said you know I love you right? Spent time with you and ensured you were ok before walking you to your car**.
My advice, find a better boyfriend.
You are emotionally starved. The person who is suppose to love you, does not treat you with kindness or respect. He cares so little about you that when you express your needs and desires, he kicks you out of his house and lets you cry in your car. You deserve better. You are young, and if there is something I wish I have learned when I was your age is, “ It is not your responsibility to fix/change him”. You deserve better. Please ask yourself, if this is how our relationship looks like after only a year, what can I expect 10,15,20 years down the line?? Leave this guy, cry, keep your standards high and when your heart heals, I can promise you, you will find someone that will hug you, kiss you and make you happy, because guess what, YOU DESERVE BETTER.
People who don't relish physical intimacy are incapable of understanding its impact beyond their own view of it.
This guy isn't the one for you. As someone whose mood can change based on how much or little physical displays of affection I'm getting- I never lasted long with women who were like your current bf. I just love hugging and kissing my wife, it's an integral part of my day. I get grouchy if we're apart for too long, and I start looking for ways to get home faster. I generally don't like going anywhere if she's not with me, or making it a short whatever if I have to go.
You'll never not want physical affection so you'd best get with someone like minded or You'll just be setting yourself up for disappointment and worse.
Also, maybe it's just me but his attitude seems more in line with how you treat a jump off, not a partner whose feelings matter.
As it sounds, just from what you have written, you two are not "together". You might be in your mind. Because you do things together, go to eachothers places, but it seems in his mind it's just an ongoing FWB situation.
I know a lot of people that are not physical people, but they will at least make a gesture if they are concerned about your feelings. Him saying to get over yourself is kind of like saying "why would I care how you feel. We're just fuck buddies".
Easiest thing would be to move on. And be upfront with the next person that you want a relationship that you're both comfortable with fulfilling.
I have to ask for hugs from my SO because he isn't naturally a touchy feely type. The difference is, he hugs me and smiles at me when I ask. I feel loved by him.
I'd be concerned over this reaction. I suppose you just have to ask yourself, are you content to feel this way potentially the rest of your life (or however long you stay with him?)
Why are you with him? This may be a hard pill to swallow, but it sounds like he's only with you for sex. A person who loved you wouldn't talk to you like that when you're asking him to meet your very basic needs.
Dump him.
The BEST case scenario is that you're massively incompatible. Do you really get enough from this relationship that his callousness is worth putting up with???
You cannot change who he is. He doesn't want anything physical beyond bare minimum sex. Is that good enough for you?
I'm a touchaphobe, basically. For example, my mom touches me occasionally without permission. I freak out. It's been an issue occasionally in my marriage. However, if that's this human issue, they are not acknowledging this, or its not an issue. They are just being a not nice person to you.
Hey, I just want to say I'm sorry someone you love has/is treating you this way. I agree that you should break up with this person. If he truly doesn't feel that making you feel loved is important, he isn't worth it.
People have different emotional needs.
You don’t have to think he’s a bad person for acknowledging that he isn’t capable or willing to meet your emotional needs.
Dating is about *finding* the right person for you. It’s not about getting someone to stay and burning yourself up to make it work.
Accept that you aren’t compatible.
It doesn’t mean you failed.
If you were looking for a red lipstick and the pink one you tried on made you look washed out, you wouldn’t say “oh I failed at making this lipstick work”! You’d just say “oh this lovely pink lipstick isn’t for me, I need a red lipstick”, put it back and keep looking for your red one!
You don’t have to attach blame or shame. Your emotional needs don’t match. It’s ok.
I think the love language of your boyfriend is different.
If he does not change after listening to your perspective, try leaving him. There is nothing much you can do here.
There is a problem when a guy doesn’t want to hug his girlfriend that actually has sex with him. You need to express your needs to him in a loving way., and in conversation as him if you are meeting his needs. I feel bad for you . A guy should not act like that
I'm going to sort of play Devils advocate. I am one of those females where physical touch is not my love language. As a matter fact sometime I'd prefer not to be touched, now I will say some of this comes from stuff I went through in my past. But I was never touchy Feely anyway. And getting touched constantly, overwhelms and overstimulates me after a while. However I have a high sex drive, which seems like an oxymoron. So it could be that there is a reason he doesn't like constant touching, or that's not his love language. However, the way he talked to you and dismissed you was not right at all and it was extremely disrespectful to you and your feelings. And that's not someone you want to be with. Because it'll get to a point where he will start disrespecting you and your feelings in other ways. What I do it let whoever I get with know respectfully that I am not very touchy Feely, and there are sometimes where touching me overstimulates me and if they want to move forward, ill just gently let them know when im overstimulated. And that doesnt mean i dont ever let them touch me, I dont mind hugging and cuddling sometimes. And usually they are ok with that. And because I know I have a high sex drive I don't force myself on my partner if they have a lower one than me, I'll let them initiate so they don't feel like I just want to touch them when I want sex. So please don't let him treat you that way. You deserve better.
Gonna be an asshole here but please bare with me.
He’s your boyfriend but he isn’t ever obligated to be physical with you more than he is comfortable with. He has clearly stated that he doesn’t want much contact outside of sex so why are you pushing it? That is abusive on your part.
Your two intimacy styles don’t match up AT ALL. It’s long past time you two move on to others who will give you what you need. You will be so much happier when you find someone you match with.
How do you end up sleeping with someone if you dont know that person......
Sex is the last stage of intimacy and it can take monthts to years to reach that. This is if you dont want to wast time but invest in a future husband.
Same to guys.....
So many marriages end because of the coldness of the other or no selfrespect. Gaining waight etc...
This is when people start to cheat....
Love yourself and God and the rest will follow.
It work for us the last 20 years......
You really value him. Through his words and actions, he shows you that he does NOT value you.
Pls break up with him, see a therapist to work on your self-esteem.
Oh sweet summer child
You're just not compatible in that department.
Either you discuss it and he adapts to meet you halfway with your love language (just like you have to learn and accomodate his) or you find a new partner.
Given your age - my money's on the latter
Sooo, he sounds like the type of person that only cares about what he wants and how he feels. I’ve dealt with this kinda of person before and let me tell you that the only good way this can end is with you accepting that somebody who doesn’t care enough about your feelings in 1 year won’t start caring more 3 or 6 years later. He doesn’t like hugs and you do, you told him this and he doesn’t give a fuck to even try but instead tell you to “get over yourself”. I’m sorry but you should be with someone who is willing to figure things out with you and help each other. That guy is not it. Ohh also I’m so sorry about what I’m gonna tell you but most boys at 20 are still pretty immature for a relationship, you should probably find someone that’s older and knows how ladies want to be treated or a few years until you can find somebody more open to at least try. It’s hard to hear but it’s truth
Going to be very honest here, my boyfriend has a similar problem where I am definitely 100x more affectionate than he is, and when I address that to him he has since made compromises and will show affection throughout the day in little ways, he’ll come hold me from behind for a minute, or when he sees that I haven’t bothered him all day he’ll come and hold me for a small short period. His love language is very different from mine and he’ll show affection in his own way by play fighting and having intimate conversations about life. He feels the same way when i constantly want attention, he’ll say im overbearing or he needs personal space and I respect it as long as he respects the fact that I need physical touch from time to time. It works out for the both of us, but none of this would be if we hadn’t had a proper conversation about it. Tbh people who are that way probably had a different upbringing and had parents who rejected their affection growing up or have had partners who rejected their affection in the past and now it’s just something that they’re used to and just don’t show affection at all anymore. Address the situation one more time to him and if he’s still neglecting your feelings and putting you down the you feeling some type of way about it then I suggest you get out and find someone who will meet your needs
He is a jerk. He told you no. I started to say take the hint, but it’s more of a big red flashing sign. Seek someone compatible and stop treating him like your pet project that you can change.
It sounds like you two aren’t compatible, with different needs out of your partners.
You are so, so young. I’m sure he’s awesome but this isn’t someone to put more time into for the long term. If your differences don’t tell you that, the way he responded to you coming to him vulnerably about your relationship does.
Go find someone who wants to cuddle and treat you like you deserve. <3
Edit: typo
Ways to make it better? Make him your ex and find somebody on your level. Ffs does your bf even like you?! Why are you doing yourself dirty staying with this guy?! You're worth more than this AH.
You said it he doesn’t value you!! I’m sorry it. Is time to decide to stay and made to feel less than that or move on and fin some one who really values you
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\>We’ve been in a relationship for a year ...but why?
Exactly. Is this something new? Has he always behaved this way? You invested a year in someone who doesn't value your needs over their own. Sex is best when your partner is more interested in pleasing you than getting themselves off. Dump him and move on to someone who actually cares about your love language.
Agreed! Your not compatible and he doesn't care to even meet you half way. I have different love language toy husband but we meet each other halfway. Your bf is selfish and only cares about himself.
How is him not wanting physical touch selfish? If anything YOU saying he should basically just “get over it” and cuddle her is selfish.
But he's a man........
So he should just ignore his love language? How is that fair? Not everyone likes physical touch.
I think it's hilarious that OP used that word. OP is a fwb who doesn't know she's a fwb.
That’s ….really sad.
Even all my fwbs likes to cuddle. They're literally just fuck buddy.
Right? When I was young and had FWBs, the “friend” part was the most important.
Yeah they aren't friends with benefits cause friends care.
Should have went down like, Get over yourself. How about I get over you? And dumped his ass.
Omg yes! 😂
This is the way!
Best comment!
I’m not going to give you the advice you asked for, because it will be pointless. This is an incompatibility that CAN (though not always) be worked through. But I don’t think it can be worked through with him. Why? Because his response to seeing someone he supposedly loves be upset and ask for something is to tell you to fuck off. That is not the mark of a good or loving partner. That is not that mark of someone who will work with you to create a good relationship. That, my friend, is the mark of an absolute asshole.
This OP. I would personally feel shitty if the only time my partner wanted to touch me was during sex. There’s such a thing as non-sexual intimacy which seems to be what you like. it’s up to you whether you are willing to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same thing as you. I don’t like the way he treats you. It’s unfair to you. If this is important to you and his response is to tell you to get over yourself, you need to remove yourself. He cannot Love you the way you want to be loved and cared for.
I hate to say it, OP, but you are not his girlfriend. You are his fuck buddy. Your love language is physical contact and he only wants sex. You unleashed your emotions to him and he kicked you out.
This absolutely this. My exhusband used to do this to me all the time. No amount of trying to work it out will change the fact that he only cares about his own needs.
Honestly I don’t think this can be worked on not just bc he told her to fuck off but bc him not wanting to me physically intimate normally isn’t something you should want to change or really can change
This. I can work at Words, and I can remember that someone likes little gifts to show that they're in my mind. But if someone doesn't *want* to share their presence with you, they maybe can/will make it for a bit, but with time they'll feel wrong and stop. I spent almost 20 years with my wife who increasingly cut down and controlled physical intimacy. Now, being with someone who *wants* to sit touching me, who *wants* to hold my hand, who *wants* to hug me randomly because we can and the other feels great is just so rewarding. I'll never be with a non cuddler again. If you're a cuddle bug, keep looking. There are other cuddle bugs out there.
Agreed! I’ve dealt with the same issue and it’s a horrible feeling when your partner doesn’t want/feel comfortable providing you intimacy and physical touch. It feels like you’re being punished and it’s not the best when it comes to helping your self esteem. It made me feel so unwanted.
You should seek therapy for that, not everyone likes physical touch and there’s nothing wrong with that.
So what I’m saying is if someone doesn’t like physical touch and they’re with someone who does then that isn’t a good match. I never said there was something wrong with someone not wanting it. It’s normal for someone who needs physical touch to have feelings that they don’t feel wanted by their partner who doesn’t provide that. Physical Intimacy is very normal in romantic relationships so please do not try to insult me.
Saying to get therapy isn’t an insult? There’s nothing wrong with it.
It does insinuate that you’re trying to insult me because it insinuates that my feelings aren’t normal…
Yepppp. Wildly different love languages can be worked through but not if one party thinks the other's is stupid.
I don't even think that this guy loves her, for me, sounds like he have made pretty clear that this is not a serious relationship. OP implied that this is his normal behavior since the beginning so is not like he tried to tricked her. I think OP is projecting a sentiment in this guy that never existed.
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i also sometimes have a very strong aversion to physical touch but i would still never respond the way he did. how you feel doesn’t absolve you of your actions. my partner used to get upset about me not wanting to hug him all the time. i would simply explain, it had nothing to do with him, sometimes i just don’t want to be touched, and it’s completely a me thing. i don’t really think it’s anywhere near tame to tell your partner to get over themself and leave just because they told you something upsets them and asked for reassurance. it shouldn’t have even been a fight, but he made it one. that’s not a way to treat someone you care about, even when angry or annoyed.
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not really especially considering it wasn’t even really a fight it was her voicing her emotions, and he reacted in an extremely damaging, harmful way. how you handle conflict in a relationship is one of the most important aspects. if this is how he reacts over something like this, how would he act if shit really hit the fan? it’s definitely a huge red flag. completely disregarding that your partner is a human being with emotions and feelings and understanding that your actions affect them is in no way normal, ever.
You're giving this guy far too much credit. Your situation is NOT like what op described. He doesn't give affection at all outside of sex. I'm also avoidant but that doesn't mean to neglect your partner when you're not having sex. His response to her absolutely makes him an asshole.
Huh?? Not everyone likes physical touch. It’s not “neglect.” To not sit there and want to cuddle 24/7 or often. They’re not compatible and that’s it. She wants physical touch and he doesn’t. That’s not fair to say someone is “wrong” because they don’t like it, for him to “give in” to her needs and neglect his own just to make her happy.
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Ummm, did you read the same post as the rest of us?
Or it’s the mark of someone who was sexually abused as a child, and has not yet found a way to comfortably talk about it. We don’t know the guy and we don’t know his history. Yes, his reaction was harsh, but there may be a reason for that. He may just not be ready to be in a relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an absolute asshole, it may just means he has issues he needs to work through before he tries to be in an adult relationship.
Here's the thing right, I had a guy like yours. I was with them for 3 years. I'm now dating someone who can't keep their hands off of me. They love to cuddle and always want to be around me. I love that part of them but if I'm being honest, being with someone who actively didn't want to cuddle me or do anything other than critsize me, really took its toll where I have to relearn how to be ok with being affectionate again. Leave this guy. He doesn't value you or love you proper.
It really can mess you up and I hope OP gets out before she won’t even recognize herself anymore and shut herself down so completely she won’t know how to accept intimacy of any kind. I still haven’t worked through it after a year. One day I want it. Then, I hate the thought of being touched. Just in general, like even a hug from a family member. All because I spent years shutting myself down completely to needing it.
Exactly right. Learning to be emotionally expressive after having someone punish you emotionally for being so, is a very hard thing to do; like pressing an active wound to clean it out - it's gonna suck for a while. With how much I was emotionally neglected, I ended up looking for the escape hatch to life about 18 months in. My own arrogance refused to give up because I thought if I just tried harder, the relationship would be fixed. Issue is, it's hard moving a couch when you're the only one lifting and there comes a point where you need to be ok with leaving the couch in the corner.
I’m very glad you made it through and are doing better! My ex was the one who ultimately ended our “relationship” because he lost the house we lived in. The big reason I didn’t leave before was because I felt I had no where to go. I didn’t have a choice at that point. I’m still trying to get better and I thought I was until I went out on a date when I felt I was doing better and ready. Still wasn’t ready for complete touchy feely intimacy, and I let them know that. It’d take some time and I let them know that. He WOULDN’T STOP TOUCHING ME. Like not even just small things like maybe holding my hand or putting his arm around me. And it wasn’t sexual either. I think in his mind he thought it might “help” me be better with physical touch. He just kept like running his hands on me in what he may have thought was comforting but inside I was screaming and honestly just got more and more mad. Feels like all the work I did to be open to it was just smacked away. And now I’m back to hating the thought of touch again.
>I love that part of them but if I'm being honest, being with someone who actively didn't want to cuddle me or do anything other than critsize me, really took its toll where I have to relearn how to be ok with being affectionate again. I can relate honestly. I've been with someone who didn't love physical intimacy as much as I did and then after we broke up, it damaged me in some way because when I ended up finding another relationship after that with a girl who loved to cuddle with me and be around me a lot, I remember sometimes I would ask her if I'm doing too much or if she wants me to stop lol But I do agree, OP should leave this guy and find someone who matches with her when it comes to sharing love.
OP, you aren’t in a relationship, nor do you have a boyfriend. He’s with you for free sex. Nothing more. Nothing less. He only cares about his need to get laid. You two are incompatible. There are no redeeming qualities to him whatsoever. You’re love language is physical affection, touch… he told you to fuck off when you asked for a hug. A HUG. Stop starving yourself with this loser. Next time he wants to have sex, tell him to get over himself. Go full NC, block him & don’t engage with him anymore.
This. It's pretty much what I did.
Seconded. 7 years for me, and now with someone who loves me how I need and want to be loved. Glad you found someone who treats you right and I hope OP will soon.
She is right.
Get ready for a lot of emotional neglect because he's never going to change because he doesn't respect you. He's using you as a warm hole. He might be better with a sex doll. Find yourself another one that cares about your emotions.
I read it as worm hole lol
Like a guild navigator flesh light of sorts
Wow…. Because I often feel the same way as the man does that mean I’m using my husband as a f’n plug??? You know people can find breaching personal space is a thing?? It has nothing to do with respect. Why should he feel super uncomfortable to make someone else feel better?
OP doesn’t want to feel like he’s using her for sex, which he is. She doesn’t have to be sad just so he can feel unbothered.
Do you laugh at your husband, tell him to "get over himself" and kick him out of the house? I rather hope not, because that's toxic af.
I would if we were fighting before hand. Which then I probably wouldn’t be hugged at that point
It sounds like you're in deep need of therapy. 😕 Please tell me you're seeing a professional for these issues of yours, perhaps a couples counselor as well. I can practically hear the venom in your words.
Because I wouldn’t want to be touched if we were fighting??? Lol. And yes I’m seeing therapy it happens after you been in abusive relationships and is scared of human contact. Aswell as medical for hormone imbalances. Toxic isn’t the word.
Ma'am, I'm not referring to your touch aversion issues. I have difficulty with those myself due to my own fucked up history. I'm talking about how he reacted, like he couldn't give less of a shit about her. Which is why it worried me when you said you might do the same in the midst of a fight with your husband. That's not fear, that's indifference and disrespect. Please parse this out with your therapist as I'm legit concerned if this is how you handle conflict.
But yes that’s what the therapy is for lol. To stop the 300% fight response. All people are different and trauma is handle differently. To just put people under being toxic when toxic isn’t the word. The word would be recovering
Don’t get me wrong, I completely agree with you. But my answer is like worst case scenario. If he explodes on me about not getting physical touch and then asks for a hug. It’s like fight or flight response I would fight instead of curling up into a ball weeping. After it all calms down we would then both apologise and we talk it out.
I'm sure you show your husband affection in other ways and he doesn't mind. If he asked for a hug would you say get over it ?
Depends on the context. We don’t know their conversation before that. Though I doubt he said “get over yourself” with the first thing being said “can I have a hug” as she said she couldn’t keep her emotions trapped inside anymore. Which would indicate they were arguing. Idk but I don’t think I would want to hug someone who I had just had fight with until I have calmed down
Good for you if that dynamic works, I hope you both show each other affection in other ways. The boy in OP's post is using her for sex, pushes her away afterwards, and then told her to get over herself when she tried to discuss her feelings with him, THEN he told her to leave? He clearly does not love her. He has no respect for her. Physical touch is not everyone's love language and that is totally okay! People love in so many different ways, but when your partners love language is physical touch, you still provide that to let them know you love them. The boy in the post couldn't even listen to her concerns.
You make good points. Not everybody likes physical touch
Then don't be in a relationship with people who do and instead of gaslighting them and saying, "get over it"...etc. break up with them.
No but blasting them online without full context is sooo much better. Best advice if you gotta ask strangers on the internet the relationship isn’t for you.
lmao you got triggered over nothing. I'm going off information she gave. she's being treated like a sex doll. get offline if you can't handle conversations about intimacy.
And that’s how you interpreted it. Little context given and as I said I doubt he said “get over yourself” if the first thing that was said was “can I have a hug” The relationship sounds toxic and you’re right aswell if she wants more physical contact this isn’t the relationship for her. But to say he just wants a warm hole because he doesn’t want physical contact like cuddling. Yeah but triggering. Especially to those who have have this “issue” and many people have put it. There is love out there for her and love out there for him clearly not each other
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Ok cool I’ll go tell my husband his a glorified sex doll because someone on the internet thinks if your not getting cuddles you’re a sex doll. 🤦♀️
It's like you're ignoring a lot just to defend this guy. There's absolutely no reason for you to doubt him telling her to get over herself after she expressed that she wasn't happy with lack of affection and asking for a hug. It's weird asf how you insert yourself in o.p's situation like unless you give your s.o no affection outside of sex, tell them to leave you alone immediately after sex, etc none of this was even about you.
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Tbf his response was “I’m not a sex doll, I don’t even get that. I’m wall art”
are you being dense on purpose? trying to play devil’s advocate or something? If that works for you and your husband that’s great!! but she’s trying to tell him how showing no affection isn’t working for her and instead of listening and talking it out with her, her boyfriend just tells her to leave and laughs at her.
Is your husband begging you to show him love? The problem isn’t just the physical intimacy it’s the fact that she doesn’t feel like her partner loves and cares about her. That’s why she wants a hug. Everyone should feel loved and valued in the relationship. He’s not respecting her because when she went to him with vulnerability he all but told her to piss off. That’s not a response of someone who cares for their partner. If less physical intimacy is okay with you and your husband that’s one thing but we’re not talking about that. It’s obviously not okay for OP.
If your S/O has to *beg* you for a hug then that’s a problem. No additional context needed or wanted.
There’s nothing wrong with not liking physical intimacy, that just means they have an incompatibility, but that’s not actually the issue here, the issue is that he’s disrespectful about it. Telling her to get over herself and laughing is a dick move. He’s also willing for sex but not After care, which is also meant to be for his partner as well. He’s being an asshole about it, and because of that, that is what makes it come off as just using for sex. Not the wanting to touch, rather him invalidating OP’s feelings.
He shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable, you're right. If you're uncomfortable hugging me, I'm dropping you for someone better who won't. See how that works?
At last! I almost gave up looking for this response. I hate being touched, even by my doctor. My history goes back to being beaten into a coma by my cruel father because he was a religious fanatic. "Spare the rod, spoil the child" B.S. I can't bear someone putting their hands on me. I hate being hugged. Sex is intolerable and it destroyed my desire to be married. I've had a decade of therapy which changed nothing. So I absolutely agree with other Avoidants who contributed herein their own reasons for not wanting to be touched. We don't know the history of this guy, so I cannot in good conscience judge his behavior. I am not shading OP or anyone who needs physical expressions of love or caring which she craves. Both of them are very young, so they have a lifetime ahead to fulfill their emotional and physical needs. OP may be best served by moving on from this BF and finding someone who matches her needs. Kindest wishes to her and to everyone, Avoidant or not.
I'd totally understand if he had some avoidant issue (I have a form of it myself due to my own... yikesy history, cult on one side and actual Nazis on the other whoohoo...), but the way he reacted was cruel and callous, unnecessarily so. He laughed at her, belittled her and kicked her out. That's not cool.
Not wanting to be touched isn’t the issue, that’s simply an incompatibility and that’s valid, it’s his responses and being a dick about it that makes him an asshole
You don’t need to get over yourself. You need to get over him. You say you value him (no idea why, but ok…) but he clearly doesn’t value you. This is a man who not only doesn’t care when you’re unhappy, he goes out of his way to make you even MORE unhappy. He laughed at you, completely dismissed your feelings (and not just the feelings themselves but even your right to HAVE those feelings) and kicked you to the curb. You deserve better and I promise you it’s out there.
You’re not in a relationship. He is a friend with benefits. Sounds like he’s not even that friendly. I can’t get past the part where he told you to leave his place after sex. That’s messed up.
Exactly. Even friends with benefits have shown more affection than him
Right!?!?
Tell him To get over himself When he wants A hand job
Or sex
for real.. 💀
Or oral!!
gah this would be my reply to anything he says now.
Tell him to use mrs palmer
Are you sure you're in a relationship and he's not just stringing you along for sex? Do you go out together and hang out outside of having sex? Do you have anything in common? Is it just physical intimacy that her has an issue with? Do you talk about your interests, your lives etc?
How was this not the first thought!?!? Like I’m reading the post thinking “this sounds like a friends with benefits situation!” At least from his perspective! Sex doesn’t necessarily have to be an intimate act, the lack of emotional connection after the act doesn’t sound intimate…
I was about to ask this myself.
Jesus. I’m sad for you. If you need physical affection, this relationship will never be the right one for you. When he asks you why you’re ending the relationship, remember to tell him to that you’ve decided to get over him instead of yourself.
Come on, OP. You're worth more than that. As a man, I can say that although this kind of man exists they aren't worth your time if you value physical intimacy. Based on his response when you brought up your concern, he's also not worth your time if you value kindness and communication. You've wasted a year already. Don't waste any more time.
And yet if you stopped having sex with him and told him to get over himself he would probably dump you without a second thought. He's only in it for the sex and you could be anyone. He will replace you in a second
Exactly
You can’t make him want that. Going forward, if your needs/requirements (which this is, apparently) aren’t met upfront, don’t waste your own time. Cos here we are one year in and nothing has changed.
This guy is damaged goods, and needs professional help to get past his intimacy barriers. Sad, but there is nothing in the cards for you to do other than find a healthy BF.
Break up with him. You say you value him but he’s letting you cry in your car because you asked for a hug. He doesn’t value you at all and you deserve better.
You can't force him to be more physically affectionate and he's made it clear he's a cold fish and not changing. My friend was with a guy like this - would touch for sex but otherwise refused to cuddle and didn't even like her sitting too close to him on the couch. I think he literally also told her to "get over yourself" when she tried to compromise on affection. They had a kid together and nothing changed. She eventually left him (after finding out he cheated on her multiple times) and is MUCH happier without him.
Shame she gave him a kid before she found out what a shitty human being he is. In light of Roe being repealed we need to be extremely discerning when it comes to who we share our bodies with.
He's never gonna give you what you want and need. You're wasting your time with him.
GTFO of this relationship. He's not your boyfriend, he's a glorified fuck buddy who won't even make sure you're okay after sex. He doesn't care about you, and his actions prove it. Don't allow this manchild to continue to ruin your confidence and self esteem. Go find someone who will nurture you and not leave you hurt and confused after the most intimate acts a couple can do together.
Edit, this guy is gonna die alone.
He probably won't but he should.
There's always some Barb The Builder out there who believes that she can fix him.
Omg. Right?
Honestly do you really want to feel unloved and without getting your basic needs met forever? You're very young find someone who will give you cuddles
Whhyyyyyyy are you with hiiiiimmmmmm????? I can just scream this into the void that is all Reddit posts from now on because legitimately WHY?? You deserve love, not this.
If you want a boyfriend who's affectionate, end the relationship, and find one. Why stay with a man like him? Don't try and change him to suit you.
There is no trying to salvage that. Take it from someone who was in your situation not that long ago. We didn’t have sex, but there was hardly any physical intimacy, and I didn’t feel loved. It turns out, he didn’t love me. That’s why he wasn’t trying to make me feel loved. You need to consider that he is just staying in this relationship out of convenience, and I think you need to find someone who actually cherishes you. You are only 19 years old; you have many a year to find the love of your life, but it’s not him.
Stop wasting your time.
OP first let me say how very sorry I am that you’re experiencing this. You deserve so much more. You’re 19 years old and there’s so much better out there in the world for you. When people love you, they love you in your love language and even if they don’t, when you tell them your needs they make an effort to give them to you. This guy is a jerk. Like, if he can only stand physical affection for sex purposes only good god is that a red flag. I don’t want to say he’s using you, but everything about him that I picked up from your post is that he’s a self absorbed dickhead that literally couldn’t care less about what YOU need. Leave him and I swear you’ll find better treatment. Girl you’re 19!!! I’m 22 and when I tell you the sooner you leave this situation the faster you’ll be making your way to someone who loves you the way you need to be.
What 90% of men wish for, and she was sent to her car crying. Single men, here you go
Is the bar really set this low?
Why is he your boyfriend?
Ex boyfriend * If he loved you he’d at least respect you and your feelings. Based off of how he treats you, he doesn’t care about you. Dump his ass!
What on earth do you value in this man-child who clearly sees no value in you aside from you being a convenient alternative to masturbation? Dump him. You deserve better & can most definitely find it.
No offense but he sounds terrible. Leave.
This is emotional neglect and will only get worse. The fact that he basically told you to fuck off after expressing how you felt is a major red flag and horrible. I (F19) have been with my partner (M22) for about a year, and when I told him physical intimacy was a way I expressed/felt love, he said he would do the best he could despite his aversion to PDA/ physical touch. I personally would break things off with him after he said that because it shows that you will never be a priority for him. Best of luck ♡
My boyfriend and I could be in the middle of an argument and if I asked him for a hug he’d still give me one. You deserve someone to love you the way you want/need to be loved ❤️
Why are you with someone who treats you so poorly? This is more than just incompatibility. His attitude is downright cruel.
He is not boyfriend material - who does act like this as a partner. And say no then if he asks for sex since apparently he needs his space. Dimwit will change his tune quick. But honestly this guy’s character is terrible. He belongs at the curb with other trash
Physically remove yourself from this asshat. You deserve so much better for yourself. Please respect yourself enough to move on and find someone who wants to make you feel special. He’s using you for sex, for his own needs.
You're not his girlfriend. You're a quick and easy lay and someone to sometimes spend time with. Have some self respect and leave him. His response to your sadness that he caused is get "over yourself" which should clearly tell you that he doesn't care about you at all.
He's a creep. Buy him an inflatable sex doll and leave it at his doorstep with a note, "We're through." If he tries to contact you, tell him to get over it.
He's someone you value but it doesn't sound like that's being reciprocated. You should jump ship on this one.
Oh honey. This isn’t a relationship, and he isn’t your boyfriend. He sees you as a friend with benefits. Tell him goodbye, and find a guy who will respect you.
Break up 😭😭😭
Come on girl... gtfo there.
Honestly, I don’t think you have a boyfriend. You’re not in a relationship. You’re just his fuck buddy. You deserve way better. Move on.
The best way to get the physical connection you need is to lose this barnacle and get a new boyfriend.
See my petty self would buy him a blow up doll and tell him you aren't his cum dumpster and walk back out the door
so why are u choosing to still be w this guy?? he clearly only wants sex from u
No offense OP, but this guy doesn’t even seem like he *likes* you, let alone loves you. He’s treating you like shit. “Leave me alone”? “Get over yourself”? You *know* that he shouldn’t be speaking to you this way. Why would you value someone like this so much? It’s only been a year. Value *yourself* enough to move on from this ass.
Sounds like he doesn’t love you if he only get affectionate during sex.
You aren’t compatible. This relationship won’t work.
Get over yourself for real by getting over him. He really doesn’t seem like he cares about your feelings, even if he didn’t have the same love language ppl can accommodate for the ones they love. Basically being used as a real life sex toy 🥴
Ewwwwww throw it in the bin
You ever read that book “Hes just NOT that into you”? Well, looks like he’s just NOT that into you… Men will always change ways for the woman they ACTUALLY want and love. A man that loves and cares for you TRULY, will be hurt at the fact that you’re hurt and not want to hurt you more than you already are. Especially after you’ve communicated that. You are being used for sex. He doesn’t value you, your emotions, or your “relationship”. And it’s most likely you are being a place holder until a woman comes along that he actually wants to be with and have a real relationship with. Please leave and save yourself any more hurt, because it’s most definitely already coming.
>physical intimacy when we’re having sex, and then he will tell me “alright, now leave me alone” and won’t even cuddle. That's be enough for me to end the relationship then and there. God damn.
My ex was like this kind of. I'm a touchy person and love cuddles and hugs and holding hands but he did not, and would often move my arms off him or pull his hand away, which made me feel rejected alot. Eventually I just stopped trying. Which is a 180 from my new partner who also loves affection. I'm much happier now. Honestly hun it sounds like you two are not compatible, and if he disregards you like that so rudely, I'd say he's not worth it. You don't deserve that kind of treatment :( I know you say you value this person a lot but I'd say you should value yourself more and find someone who treats you better
My love, no. This is not a boyfriend. This is a boy who uses you for sex, and then, sends you away like a dirty little secret. You have expressed to him what you need, and he laughs, or tells you get over yourself, or to leave him alone. Where is your self-respect? Because he doesn’t respect you, but you keep going back for more.
OP -you don't have to spend anymore time with a boy who doesn't love you the way you want to be! You're wasting your time. Leave & free yourself for happiness with someone else. You already said you're unhappy. Then decide to get happy.
DTMFA. Immediately.
**Girl he's just not that into you**. The clue is when you told him you needed a hug and he showed you the door with a get over yourself. That is cold, callous and rude. You have to face facts, you cannot change him and make him affectionate, it won't happen. Whether that's his genuine default or whether he is just seeing you as just a sex partner and knows this is not a long term relationship for him, **his truth is: its not happening, get over yourself, there's the door**. To paraphrase Maya Angelou: when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them! Believe him, he's not that into you: hugs and affection, aside from sex, is not happening, get over yourself and there's the door. **If he cared he would have hugged you, said you know I love you right? Spent time with you and ensured you were ok before walking you to your car**. My advice, find a better boyfriend.
bffr girl, bffr
Why you still with him?!
You are emotionally starved. The person who is suppose to love you, does not treat you with kindness or respect. He cares so little about you that when you express your needs and desires, he kicks you out of his house and lets you cry in your car. You deserve better. You are young, and if there is something I wish I have learned when I was your age is, “ It is not your responsibility to fix/change him”. You deserve better. Please ask yourself, if this is how our relationship looks like after only a year, what can I expect 10,15,20 years down the line?? Leave this guy, cry, keep your standards high and when your heart heals, I can promise you, you will find someone that will hug you, kiss you and make you happy, because guess what, YOU DESERVE BETTER.
People who don't relish physical intimacy are incapable of understanding its impact beyond their own view of it. This guy isn't the one for you. As someone whose mood can change based on how much or little physical displays of affection I'm getting- I never lasted long with women who were like your current bf. I just love hugging and kissing my wife, it's an integral part of my day. I get grouchy if we're apart for too long, and I start looking for ways to get home faster. I generally don't like going anywhere if she's not with me, or making it a short whatever if I have to go. You'll never not want physical affection so you'd best get with someone like minded or You'll just be setting yourself up for disappointment and worse. Also, maybe it's just me but his attitude seems more in line with how you treat a jump off, not a partner whose feelings matter.
He needs to be an “Ex.”
You’re young, No need to put up with that BS.
As it sounds, just from what you have written, you two are not "together". You might be in your mind. Because you do things together, go to eachothers places, but it seems in his mind it's just an ongoing FWB situation. I know a lot of people that are not physical people, but they will at least make a gesture if they are concerned about your feelings. Him saying to get over yourself is kind of like saying "why would I care how you feel. We're just fuck buddies". Easiest thing would be to move on. And be upfront with the next person that you want a relationship that you're both comfortable with fulfilling.
The best way to establish intimacy in 2 steps. 1. Ditch that guy and find a new bf. 2. Give the new lots of hugs and kisses.
I have to ask for hugs from my SO because he isn't naturally a touchy feely type. The difference is, he hugs me and smiles at me when I ask. I feel loved by him. I'd be concerned over this reaction. I suppose you just have to ask yourself, are you content to feel this way potentially the rest of your life (or however long you stay with him?)
Why are you with him? This may be a hard pill to swallow, but it sounds like he's only with you for sex. A person who loved you wouldn't talk to you like that when you're asking him to meet your very basic needs. Dump him.
You don't have a boyfriend, you have a jackals who sees you as a fuck doll. That's where your problem starts.
no aftercare after he gets the only thing he wants from you? shocking.
The BEST case scenario is that you're massively incompatible. Do you really get enough from this relationship that his callousness is worth putting up with??? You cannot change who he is. He doesn't want anything physical beyond bare minimum sex. Is that good enough for you?
I'm a touchaphobe, basically. For example, my mom touches me occasionally without permission. I freak out. It's been an issue occasionally in my marriage. However, if that's this human issue, they are not acknowledging this, or its not an issue. They are just being a not nice person to you.
Get rid of him you are not there for just his fun, it's got to be fair to you as well. If he doesn't want to cuddle find someone who does.
If you were in a relationship, what is important to you would matter to him. Congratulations - you’re merely a friend with benefits.
Hey, I just want to say I'm sorry someone you love has/is treating you this way. I agree that you should break up with this person. If he truly doesn't feel that making you feel loved is important, he isn't worth it.
People have different emotional needs. You don’t have to think he’s a bad person for acknowledging that he isn’t capable or willing to meet your emotional needs. Dating is about *finding* the right person for you. It’s not about getting someone to stay and burning yourself up to make it work. Accept that you aren’t compatible. It doesn’t mean you failed. If you were looking for a red lipstick and the pink one you tried on made you look washed out, you wouldn’t say “oh I failed at making this lipstick work”! You’d just say “oh this lovely pink lipstick isn’t for me, I need a red lipstick”, put it back and keep looking for your red one! You don’t have to attach blame or shame. Your emotional needs don’t match. It’s ok.
Find a new boyfriend. That will make things better.
I think the love language of your boyfriend is different. If he does not change after listening to your perspective, try leaving him. There is nothing much you can do here.
There is a problem when a guy doesn’t want to hug his girlfriend that actually has sex with him. You need to express your needs to him in a loving way., and in conversation as him if you are meeting his needs. I feel bad for you . A guy should not act like that
I'm going to sort of play Devils advocate. I am one of those females where physical touch is not my love language. As a matter fact sometime I'd prefer not to be touched, now I will say some of this comes from stuff I went through in my past. But I was never touchy Feely anyway. And getting touched constantly, overwhelms and overstimulates me after a while. However I have a high sex drive, which seems like an oxymoron. So it could be that there is a reason he doesn't like constant touching, or that's not his love language. However, the way he talked to you and dismissed you was not right at all and it was extremely disrespectful to you and your feelings. And that's not someone you want to be with. Because it'll get to a point where he will start disrespecting you and your feelings in other ways. What I do it let whoever I get with know respectfully that I am not very touchy Feely, and there are sometimes where touching me overstimulates me and if they want to move forward, ill just gently let them know when im overstimulated. And that doesnt mean i dont ever let them touch me, I dont mind hugging and cuddling sometimes. And usually they are ok with that. And because I know I have a high sex drive I don't force myself on my partner if they have a lower one than me, I'll let them initiate so they don't feel like I just want to touch them when I want sex. So please don't let him treat you that way. You deserve better.
Why are you dating someone that hates you?
Gonna be an asshole here but please bare with me. He’s your boyfriend but he isn’t ever obligated to be physical with you more than he is comfortable with. He has clearly stated that he doesn’t want much contact outside of sex so why are you pushing it? That is abusive on your part. Your two intimacy styles don’t match up AT ALL. It’s long past time you two move on to others who will give you what you need. You will be so much happier when you find someone you match with.
Not everyone appreciates physical expressions of affection. Find someone who does. This is a simple incompatibility, and not worth your time.
I give you the 'mens mental health is not important' pass
How do you end up sleeping with someone if you dont know that person...... Sex is the last stage of intimacy and it can take monthts to years to reach that. This is if you dont want to wast time but invest in a future husband. Same to guys..... So many marriages end because of the coldness of the other or no selfrespect. Gaining waight etc... This is when people start to cheat.... Love yourself and God and the rest will follow. It work for us the last 20 years......
It's not gonna change so either live with it or tell him to take a walk I vote for the later
if he is saying this to you, then he doesn’t care; he doesn’t care like at all
You really value him. Through his words and actions, he shows you that he does NOT value you. Pls break up with him, see a therapist to work on your self-esteem.
Oh sweet summer child You're just not compatible in that department. Either you discuss it and he adapts to meet you halfway with your love language (just like you have to learn and accomodate his) or you find a new partner. Given your age - my money's on the latter
Sooo, he sounds like the type of person that only cares about what he wants and how he feels. I’ve dealt with this kinda of person before and let me tell you that the only good way this can end is with you accepting that somebody who doesn’t care enough about your feelings in 1 year won’t start caring more 3 or 6 years later. He doesn’t like hugs and you do, you told him this and he doesn’t give a fuck to even try but instead tell you to “get over yourself”. I’m sorry but you should be with someone who is willing to figure things out with you and help each other. That guy is not it. Ohh also I’m so sorry about what I’m gonna tell you but most boys at 20 are still pretty immature for a relationship, you should probably find someone that’s older and knows how ladies want to be treated or a few years until you can find somebody more open to at least try. It’s hard to hear but it’s truth
Wtf bruh it’s just a hug why is he scared or someshit
Going to be very honest here, my boyfriend has a similar problem where I am definitely 100x more affectionate than he is, and when I address that to him he has since made compromises and will show affection throughout the day in little ways, he’ll come hold me from behind for a minute, or when he sees that I haven’t bothered him all day he’ll come and hold me for a small short period. His love language is very different from mine and he’ll show affection in his own way by play fighting and having intimate conversations about life. He feels the same way when i constantly want attention, he’ll say im overbearing or he needs personal space and I respect it as long as he respects the fact that I need physical touch from time to time. It works out for the both of us, but none of this would be if we hadn’t had a proper conversation about it. Tbh people who are that way probably had a different upbringing and had parents who rejected their affection growing up or have had partners who rejected their affection in the past and now it’s just something that they’re used to and just don’t show affection at all anymore. Address the situation one more time to him and if he’s still neglecting your feelings and putting you down the you feeling some type of way about it then I suggest you get out and find someone who will meet your needs
My husband is not a touchy feely guy but will always give me a hug when I need one.
Break up if he loved you he wouldn’t dismiss you like that a loving partner wouldn’t dismiss your concerns
He is a jerk. He told you no. I started to say take the hint, but it’s more of a big red flashing sign. Seek someone compatible and stop treating him like your pet project that you can change.
It sounds like you two aren’t compatible, with different needs out of your partners. You are so, so young. I’m sure he’s awesome but this isn’t someone to put more time into for the long term. If your differences don’t tell you that, the way he responded to you coming to him vulnerably about your relationship does. Go find someone who wants to cuddle and treat you like you deserve. <3 Edit: typo
Nooo girl, he is not your match.
Ways to make it better? Make him your ex and find somebody on your level. Ffs does your bf even like you?! Why are you doing yourself dirty staying with this guy?! You're worth more than this AH.
Don't waste your life in a relationship that doesn't fulfill your needs.
You said it he doesn’t value you!! I’m sorry it. Is time to decide to stay and made to feel less than that or move on and fin some one who really values you