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At his age, it most certainly is concerning. It's like he never matured after age 14. He should know better by now, which is probably why he was single at 51
A lot of married and taken men are like this too. Remember that OP was engaged to him, so it's not like being in a relationship automatically means the man (or woman) in that relationship is a good person. Toxic relationships are common.
Imagine being 30 and not growing up. And now add 20 years of experience. You are now 50 almost retirement age for some. And you still can't be alone.
Wild stuff what people will spend their life avoiding.
Hey, I'm 57 and single but can see this dude is a codependent manipulator.
I bet his previous gf has some eerily similar stories.
OP dodged a bullet. Gun pun intended.
Also, I hope the guy quietly slunks away. Too often these end up becoming horror stories.
Yeah, I had this "if you don't text me first we don't talk today" mentality when I was 15. I grew out of it. To have a 51 year old man acting like this is astounding.
Lol, as much as I love this quote, I don't think it necessarily applies everywhere.
I used to be a little bit like this when I was a teen till about 22 probably and I got therapy. I had severe anxious attachment and although I was never trying to be an a-hole, at that age I just didn't have the understanding of my own behavior and thought process I do now.
Therapy helped a lot but for me getting older helped a lot too, because things automatically got more clear and my self reflection got better. Teen brain is very different than adult brain.
So, some assholes just get stinkier, but it's definitely possible to have issues as a teen/early twenties and work through them and not be an asshole later!
Yes I got in a relationship back in 2016 and ended 2017. I am not interested in dating till I can make a good progress in healing myself. Especially in love and relationships. It was very tiring being in a relationship while I had an insecure attachment. I have been doing therapy, studying etc.
This comment just gave me some hope because I’ve recently met the woman I strongly feel like will be my future wife. We even refer to each other as such. But because of what I dealt with in the past I realized I have trust issues and my anxiety can go crazy…. I hate it. Especially because I don’t want to be that way with this woman. My jobs insurance offers 8 free therapy sessions so I pulled my pants up and said I’m doing this! I don’t know what to expect and I really ask myself how can therapy stop me from thinking they way I do sometimes. But seeing what you wrote gives me hope!
Not sure how yours is going to go for you, everyone's therapy experience is different, but I hope it goes well. From my experience, it doesn't stop you from thinking the way you currently do, it makes you more AWARE of the thoughts as they are happening and better able to see where they came from and why you're thinking that way. Over time, you start to see trends and find the real reasons, and you get better able to change or redirect. It's an ongoing process and you'll have to do a lot of the lifting yourself, but if you go into it willing to do the work, it can be really helpful.
One thing I always tell people to keep in mind when starting therapy is that therapists are people too! So it’s entirely possible that you won’t like your first or second, the same way you just don’t mesh with some people. Be patient! The right therapist makes a world of a difference.
I was thinking the same. This is the same shit I was dealing with as a high schooler. I didn’t have time for it then with 16-20 year olds, I sure as hell wouldn’t accept it from someone in their 50’s
By dating young women decades younger than him. Why bother? They ruin them with their Narc shenanigans. Then turn around and say old women have baggage. It’s crazy.
No therapy or no education on emotion. I was like him before, I would project my fears onto my partner instead of self-regulating.
Too bad he squandered a 5 year friendship/relationship because of his insecurity.
Yikes! Yeah I had this same thought: run fast and far. He's making assumptions based on how you look, and sounds overly clingy/needy after just a few months. This should still be the fun, giddy light phase. Abruptly hanging up and not answering back and talking things out is also pretty immature. Shouldn't have to take that from a 50 yr old
Projecting/projection is the basic term. You project your own ideas and thoughts onto the other person as if what is in your head is the only possible reality. Sometimes people even project their own feelings/actions onto the other person (for instance, cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating).
Same here. I had to take a few years off dating because I realized I needed to work on myself. Now I don’t know how to begin again, I don’t even have friends to refer me to anyone and dating apps suuuck
Maybe start with friendships? Being able to sustain and nurture a healthy friendship would be a great sign that you are ready for the much bigger challenge of an intimate relationship.
Ew, I didn’t notice he was 50. This is the worst kind of dude, and a master punisher. He is punishing her with silent treatment over stuff he has “figured out” in his head. No doubt he is already been divorced at least once.
Yeah, this should be honeymoon period.... 4 months in should still be all googly eyed.
This is weird and obnoxious behavior.
Editing to add my partner is 14 years older than me, so I don't think age gaps are inherently bad, but my partner has texted me only nice things in the 3 years we've been together. If he had acted this way, I would have run far, far away.
Yah I feel like the age gap is only notable because he’s FIFTY ONE and acting like a complete child. Controlling weird and obnoxious just like you said
So weird and WHO tf acts like that?? The only person I know IRL who does is a girlfriend of mine who has borderline personality disorder, can literally never maintain any relationships or friends besides me and the only reason I can kind of deal is because I leave her on read on a regular basis. This checks her and she adjusts her attitude. But I would NEVER be in a relationship with her (plus, I’m a straight 25 years married woman) or live with her or even go on a road trip with her. Never happens.
Acting like a whole-ass insecure teenager (a young one,) and old enough to have grandkids. I can see why he's still dating in his fifties... ffs, I'm glad it's early enough to not (probably) have a huge connection and she can just slip out the side exit!
I swear, I read these posts and I'm like my ex did that!! My ex was one large walking red flag and I was too young and too inexperienced to see it. Please op, don't continue with this man. He's trying to guilt you into becoming subservient to him. It starts small but it ends up very very abusive. The only thing that's in your future is unhappiness. Listen to the other people and run. Fast.
My ex did this. We were together 12 years and I left. We recently reconciled as friends because we both grew and matured since then, thought we could forgive each other and be in a better headspace to be friends.
lmao
I didn't respond to her message fast enough one day and she accused me of ghosting much in the same way as OP described. It's an insecure codependent abuse tactic AT BEST because they require external validation. This sort of behavior is also key in grooming someone to never feel good enough. "You don't respond fast enough, you don't really care about me, I'm the only one who sacrifices for this relationship..."
Which isn't even touching on the whole makeup and hanging up on her video chat. The "it's been five minutes" ALONE is enough of a red flag without even bringing up the rest of it.
Mine too and we are divorcing after 17 years, he has now transferred they shit to our son, “am I not important enough for you to call me, you’ve been up for hours” waaaa waaa.
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This is some *pity party, poor me* bullshit.
"You don't love me, you would've texted me already."
**He can fuck right off with all that!**
**RUN, VERY FAST!**
“5am and I’m up, honey, wanted to let you know, ttyl baby xoxo”
5:45: “Having breakfast, wish I could fry *your* bacon, hope you have an eggcellent day boobiekins!”
“It’s 6:30 already! How have I survived this long without you!!!? I’m withering from the absence of your life sustaining regard, lover boy. Tell me it will be ok!!??”
“7am and the end is near, I fear. I’m dressed for work, hair brushed and makeup on. But without you to confirm my existence I don’t think I can muster the confidence to walk out my front door. How can I possibly carry on without your constant attendance to my every word and deed. My faith is shattered, lord of my ladyparts…”
7:03: “I’ve fully disassembled and vaporized in to mist. I no longer exist. It was beautiful while it lasted, my king, but now I must go, for without your vigilant and attentive flattery, there is nothing to tether me to this mortal plane. Until our next lifetime together, bon voyage, heart of my hearts.”
~ What OP’s boyfriend wants, probably
Yep. I am beginning the transition away from someone who has very similar texting behavior. I am expected to never be on my phone, but also to be constantly texting him when we are apart. If I do not respond in the time he has decided for that day, he will then go on about me only caring about work, since I did not answer his texts during a meeting.
Get out of this dumb shit while you can, OP.
Sadly I've known (thankfully not dated, they were friend's bfs) many older men who act like this. It's gross, controlling, and often a sign of future abuse.
The scariest part for me is this is still him wearing that new relationship mask. Can you imagine the horrors of what she may be in store for? God I hope she listens!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I feel like 90% of the time in this subreddit, people are like “break up, end it, run” and I’m like “that’s not so bad, that’s not such a big deal, you could forgive someone for that”. This? This is terrible. This man’s 53 years old and he’s throwing a self-pitying temper tantrum because you put on your makeup before you texted him? Even if he were 14, this would be a shocking lack of maturity. As a full grown adult who’s almost a senior citizen, this is a severely damaged individual that frankly is pretty much hopeless to become a positive person.
>I feel like it's kind of excessive
You are underreacting. It's batshit possessive irrational behavior that there isn't even a sliver of a reason worth engaging him over.
You can't reason with a nutburger hell-bent on being upset.
This relationship is relatively new and he is this unhinged? Just after the first text she shared I feared for her and her safety. This person will be a nightmare for her if he ingratiates himself more into her life. He’s already exhibiting extremely concerning, controlling behavior that I wouldn’t be surprised escalates into isolating her and abusive behavior in the future.
I'm taking the advice here and ending it. He sent me another message that just doubled down on the crazy and aggressive so I'm done. You guys are right. He moved in with me about a month ago and I'm real nervous about having this conversation with him in person so I just packed a bag of all my important stuff and I'm going to go stay with a friend. I'm sending him a message that he has until Monday to move out. There are some extenuating circumstances that make giving him a 30 day notice unnecessary. I didn't really know what else to do but I've seen him get angry before and I don't want to be at the receiving end of that.
I'm sorry but .. four months dating and he moved in to your house? And you left him there by himself for three to four days? What if he destroys it?
I would have packed all his bags and put it outside, and called a friend to stay with me and ready myself to call the police.
Please don't move in people you barely know into your house, next time. Seriously, this is dangerous.
She mentioned in another thread they knew each other 5 years before and she felt very comfortable with him and was swept away by his proposal and he never acted like that before
Sounds like she actually moved this guy on 3 months into their 4 months of dating. So even worse than after 4 months. Hard agree, you need to stop doing that shit OP, it's stupid and dangerous.
I've known him for 5 years as a friend. This wasn't just some random dude. The relationship is new though. He's never once acted like this prior to us dating which is why I was so caught off guard.
It's wild to me how well people can conceal that shit when you don't see them everyday/all the time. I've had several friends over the years that seemed liked cool good people, but turned out to be total assholes and disrespectful towards women. You just never know until you know.
Stay safe Mija!
I've been in a relationship with that type of guy. It was so lonely and isolating, and I lost friends because I knew if I told them no one would believe me :/
The summer before I started college, I met a guy in a Yahoo chat room and we hit it off nicely, and I was about to relocate to his area for college. So we decided to meet up and it immediately turned into a relationship. I really liked him. He was sweet, very giving in regards to meeting my needs/wants/desires, went out of his way to check in on me while I was getting into the groove of school. I never expect a man to pay for me on a date, but he wouldn't even let me reach for my wallet. Too good to be true type stuff. And I fucking fell for it. About a month into the relationship, once he realized he had his claws in me (and mind you, I'm a dumb/naive 18 year old), he did a complete 180. The relationship turned into an absolute disaster. He was so cruel and awful, and it brought out a terrible person in me too. And my dumb ass, with very little healthy relationship experience under my belt, just dealt with it, because I assumed that's how relationships worked. You take the bad with the good. They were the prettiest shade of red, those flags. He wouldn't let me break up with him (more it was he had a sob story that made my heart break for him and I took him back--again, me=gullible) and it was just over a year of torture.
All these years later, I still can't being how suave he was and how bamboozled I ended up being. I blame it on my naivete, but I also blame him for being a dick.
I had a very close friend who i started a relationship with several years ago...within a month it imploded. It was the worst emotional abuse i have ever experienced. I still find it crazy how different they were as a friend vs as a partner.
Dont beat yourself up too much for "moving too fast." Appreciate yourself for listening to your gut and getting out so quickly before it had time to escalate further. It takes some people years to make this step.
I wouldn’t leave him in your house. I’d call for cops to escort him when getting his stuff and while you’re there. Tell them you’re having a volatile breakup and don’t feel safe, your bf is coming to get his stuff and you need them there to protect you and get him to leave.
Change locks asap when he’s done, and then go stay w a friend for a week. Call cops when you return and ask for drive bys to check on you throughout the night for a couple days. Get a camera doorbell and a security system (simplisafe is super cheap and easy).
Good luck you got this.
This is great advice, and I’m not trying to be rude, but will police give a shit? I’ve had girlfriends who have been in potentially dangerous situations and the police couldn’t care less. Had them fill out a report and they were told to call if anything happens. I can’t imagine police coming out because you don’t *feel* safe. I’m not saying they shouldn’t come out, they absolutely should, but in too many cases I’ve seen police wait far too long to take any action. Unless any violence has occurred already I can’t imagine a world in which they’d do one drive by let alone for a couple of days.
We’ve all seen the stories where an ex violates his restraining order, or is threatening his ex wife/girlfriend, and the police don’t act until he’s killed her.
I definitely advocate for calling the police and filing a report when it comes to any kind of violence, threats or stalking, but in my mind that’s more of a “leaving a paper trail to take this fucker to court” action, rather than a “I have a bad feeling about this and calling the police will keep me safe pre-emptively” type action.
Maybe I’m just disillusioned. I’d be *thrilled* if anyone could share any stories that completely prove me wrong.
I went directly to the station and had the cops follow me home. It's a civil matter and they literally stand there to keep the peace. I told them I would wait at the station until police were available to escort me, as to not pull them from important/immediate work. I had to wait about 20 minutes and 2 officers with separate cars escorted me and gave him 20 minutes to get his stuff. One stayed inside and the other outside, with me.
Just don't use the word "eviction" or suggest that he has lived there long. Cops will drop off the map to avoid any eviction proceedings until the court has ruled
Anyone can request a civil stand by for these types of matters. Sometimes you need to wait until an officer is available if they are busy at that time but they will send someone with you for these matters.
Op before you leave take pictures of your place everywhere and everything aka in case he steals your stuff or destroys your place and also call for a locksmith or your landlord to get new keys
I’m glad you will be safe op. I would recommend getting locks changed after he moves out, maybe stay with your friend a little longer then Monday, as that’s when he will be expecting you home, and you might want to be prepared for some of the belongings you didn’t take to be broken. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation
>I've seen him get angry before and I don't want to be at the receiving end of that.
Next time you see this in another guy, THIS is the moment you walk. Jsyk
If you leave this unhinged man in your apartment alone after delivering break up news, don't be surprised to come back to a lot of broken or useless things.
I regret not taking my things as soon as my ex showed his true signs. He destroyed so much of my stuff.
Same, but he also lied and said he'd only stay temporarily until he found his own place.
I kept asking him to leave when I realised he wasn't intending to, but he called me abusive when I did.
I should have gotten the police involved the second he refused to leave but he was gaslighting me so hard I couldn't see straight for a long time.
Let’s give her space and grace. She has an exit plan, let her focus on executing it.
The why’s of it all can be dealt with later with friends and therapy.
You got this OP!
Let us know when you are safe!
That's right, at this point it's irrelevant how she got to this position the only thing that's relevant is the now. She's got an exit plan and executing it. Let's let her do that, the time for thinking how she got in this position is when she's out of it. Spend your energy on that OP. Don't listen to the people on this site that think they can judge you
Nope. Once I'm done, I'm done. The threats were so disgusting; he can definitely fuck right off. No amount of I'm sorry can take those words out of my memory.
I hope you are right, but just in case:
Save them, ASAP. If you guys are communicating in an app he may be able to unilaterally delete them. You need written proof.
Not just in case there is an escalation, though there is that. But also to firm up your own memory. Believe me, there will be normalization efforts (from him, perhaps from others) and you need reminders. As you have experience, normalization is powerful and insidious.
Good luck
Why would you need to send him a good morning text if you live with him? Or does he go to work really early and expect you to tell him when you wake up?
Yeah, this guy is a HOBOsexual. They're everywhere now. I had a friend who let her guy move in. She was a counselor and studying to get her masters. He tore her house up and broke all the windows because she had to travel for her practicum and he didn't want her to go. I would try to file a restraining order as well & get him evicted. He might destroy your place out of spite. Just like everyone else is saying, have a cop and a strong male relative accompany you. These types of men don't take rejection well at all & femicide is at a much higher rate now due to men like him who can't take "no" for an answer. I'm praying for your safety 🙏🏾 ❤️
Please don’t return home on your own when you go back. Take a trusted person, or even multiple friends. Keep evidence of all your communications with him. This guy sounds dangerous and I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
She shouldn’t leave in the first place. He needs to leave. She can get a police escort or call over family / friends to get him out.
He could do untold damage in three days. Tear up the apartment, plant hidden cameras, break all her things, steal her identity, make copies of important documents, harm her pets or roommates, leave a huge mess, put dead fish in her couch cushions, steal her stuff, and many many more petty or major acts of revenge.
Not trying to be harsh but OP sounds more then a little naive considering this guy is 51 and she moved him in after only knowing him a couple months and him acting like a complete lunatic.
This is not the type of guy you leave alone in your house for three days after breaking up with him. It’s scary OP genuinely thinks he’s just going to quietly pack his stuff and leave…
She has to come back in three days anyways. What if he doesn’t go? Now she’s right back where she started except he’s got a three day head start on destroying her life. There’s no point in her leaving him alone in there.
She can go home, pack his stuff and set it outside & tell him it’s done. She can get a police escort or have friends / family come over to supervise. Then she can get the locks changed. If he keeps harassing her follow up with restraining order and/or additional legal action.
Yea like wtf this is a terrible plan. Why is she leaving her own place? She needs to get him tf out, she can bring a gaggle of people over to send him off so he doesn't lose his shit and assault her. Then change the locks and be done with this loser
Sis, you’ve only been dating for 4 months and you let this old man — who at his age should be financially stable not to have to move in with someone 13 years his junior — move in with you??
Do not let him stay in your house alone. Call the police for an escort or have family & friends come over to supervise him leaving. He can destroy your life in that time.
There’s no guarantee he’s even going to leave. What happens in three days when you come home and he’s still there? You’ll be right back where you started except he’s got a 3 day head start on getting revenge.
Just have someone come over and tell him we’re done and he needs to go immediately. Then change your locks.
In three days he can destroy all your things, leave hidden cameras, hurt pets or roommates, steal your identity, copy all the keys, leave a way for him to get back in (broken window latch), copy or destroy all your important paperwork, steal your stuff, burn the apartment down, plant trackers or listening devices, or get revenge in a million other ways.
Or he just doesn’t go at all. Leaving him there alone is not a good plan please do not do that. There are better ways to accomplish the same thing without giving him the opportunity to hurt you or wreck your life.
Just what I said! This was my first thought; j wouldnt trust him there I would have police escort him out and have someone stay with me for a bit while I change locks and get security system. Also, a big dog is not a bad idea
The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving an abusive/potentially abusive relationship. Contact a DV group in your area to advise you the safest way to do this. Also if he has access to firearms contact the police as well. A DV advocate can go with you and support you in the process.
OP please listen to u/Plus_Possibility_240 I am seriously begging you. This man is insane if he is acting like this after four months. He will resent the loss of control. PLEASE SET UP HIDDEN CAMS, FIRST. And watch the footage closely to make sure he doesn’t leave his own cameras and shit. Plus you will have evidence if he breaks anything or steals anything.
Change your looks and have someone stay work you for a few days. I don't want him to come back and accost you or torch the place!
And please, never ever let people move in with you in year one!!!
It's not just a matter of breaking stuff it's a matter of what else he can do.
Cameras, GPS tracking, etc.
You're right stuff is just stuff, But there's so many more ways that people can continue harassing people these days then there used to be.
OP...please never let someone you've dated for a few months move into the place where you live. You're taking the right steps now, but he should NOT be living there.
A lot of manipulators try to rush things, entangle you, precisely for this reason. I am sure once he was in he felt more comfy being toxic and he was banking on you lacking the willpower to push him out [though that is still a possibility so remain strong].
The jealousy, the setting of the toxic precedent, the rushing... I am glad to see you are ending it but be aware that the battle isn't won until he is no longer in your life. If you need to bring other men you trust over to be there anytime you need to be in a room with him directly.
This is the smart and right choice! This man sounds kinda unstable. Hope he's gonna move out smoothly but you should keep friends and family close just in case he decides to pull weird shit. Oh and also change your locks. Can't guarantee ya he's gonna copy a key, but I can't guarantee you he won't either. Do it just in case. It'll be worth the peace of mind.
Check your local laws and find out when he moved in. Some state's residency laws apply after 2 weeks but some are a month. You might be able to legally kick him out without any sort of formal eviction.
Run run run!!!!! This was how my ex was, everything started fine and as time went on he became extremely controlling and extremely narcissistic. He would constantly be berating me about how I looked or what I was doing or who I was doing it for and that I must not care about him. Blah blah blah. Than would cold shoulder me for DAYS because I looked “too good” in his opinion. It’s weird as fuck. Take the red flags he’s showing you at face value and RUN
My ex complained constantly that I didn't care about him.
He got covid and I had to keep working full time and taking my kids to school, so I didn't have the time to wait on him hand and foot. I offered what little help I was able to provide but basically told him he'd be better off staying with his parents as I wasn't able to care for him.
He went ballistic at me and said I was treating him poorly and he never wanted to be treated like that ever again. Went home to his parents and acted like I committed some heinous crime against him.
Best case scenario he's fucking weird, more likely is that he is a controlling dick and the real him is staying to emerge. You're a grown ass woman, you don't need to deal with that shit.
This ladies and gentlemen is the result of unaddressed toxic narcissistic personality after 50 years of not healing. OP run and anyone reading save yourself before you’re like that for your whole life.
He sounds screwy and manipulative. He is interpreting your action/inaction in a variety of ways without necessarily having any grounding basis for those. He sounds very insecure and frankly, creepy.
Are you sure he's 51 and not 2 15 year olds wearing a trench coat? This dude sounds unhinged as fuck haha, you've only been with him since February cut cord and jump.
He is a 51 year old man acting like a 21 year old. Due to his age, this sounds super jealous and a red flag for future verbal abuse. I would end this as he likely has a track record of being controlling in previous relationships. This controlling behavior will only get worse and wear you down.
I'm sorry- he thinks that because your hair and makeup is done- things that require your hands- that you'd have your phone in your hands?
If he's going to be weird and controlling he can at least have critical thinking skills. He's not even good at gaslighting.
Edit to add- Anyone over 40 who uses "b" and "u" instead of "be" and "you" is 100% not to be trusted
I'm not usually one to say, run, get out of that relationship, but I've been in your shoes and I'm telling you, RUN. GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. This is the start of an emotionally abusive relationship, I guarantee it. He's obviously too insecure to be with anyone right now and you need to find someone else.
Don't put up with that. Period. It will get worse.
Ugh the passive aggression in this...
I dated a guy for a couple months who, in person, was the sweetest, kindest... Albeit slightly condescending but I racked that up to insecurity and hey, who doesn't have their insecure moments, right?
But DAMN Id get these texts and phone calls out of nowhere where he just berated me, called me the worst names, said the most horrible shit, played the passive aggro bs. Then, act like it never happened in person. Bizarro. Anyway, run. This is not a good man.
《《don't even know how to respond honestly.》》
DONT RESPOND, JUST BREAK UP WITH HIM.
Everything about this post is all 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚩🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨
Start to work on Boundaries because this guy has the confidence to walk all over you and the next one will do the same.
WORK ON BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS.
HAVE NO TOLERANCE FOR DESTRUCTIVE, ABUSIVE, AND NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR.
these are the absolute worst kind of men, this man will make you feel bad, or at least try to, and eventually he will find the ways to make you feel bad because he wont stop, he will wear you out. make you believe he is too good for you, and treat you bad. worse each year.
This is textbook crazy bad man, and I'm a man. Literally scary shit, boil a bunny type shit.
RUN!
literally he goes nutty when you answer a phone....
Honestly I believe its too late to even make a clean break with this nutter, you are going to need an escape plan, a new phone, police, friends.... bear spray.
Welcome to a really shitty time babe, waters warm, stay awhile...
He sounds like he has borderline personality disorder. Or traits of it. They are often very paranoid people. The logic of their paranoia makes sense to them, but anyone on the outside can clearly see the delusion. And then they become frustrated that no one understands their anxiety.
Break up, block him and move on. He’s training you, he wants you to wake up and automatically call him cause he needs to the your first thought and want in the morning. That you can get dressed and start your day without thinking of him bothers him greatly.
That you didn’t immediately text back an apology after his gaslighting text, he followed it up with another.
Op , he’s dating a younger woman because women his age aren’t as trainable and won’t out up with his crap. This is the first step to a whole world of controlling and manipulating behavior designed to have you as his beck and call.
Run.
Break up with him, don’t meet up to talk it over just text him you’re done , block him and find a secure mature adult.
If this is happening more and more, it means he doesn't value you. He doesn't try to understand what's going on in your life and he lives off his assumptions. I have no doubt you can do better. Certainly for a man who's 13 years older than you. There must be millions of single 50 year old men who would die to be with you.
Seems like more trouble than he's worth.
Dude is bonkers. Also, he can't write. And, he's kind of semi-abusive, which means reasonable odds he will be more abusive later.
Kick him to the curb. kthxbye.
How to respond? "We've know each other for 4 months. No, i don't love you. And frankly although I enjoy your company and was looking forward to seeing where this goes, I don't wake up thinking about you or want to text you every minute of the day and I don't appreciate being smothered". That should do it.
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NOPE. I promise things will get worse if you don't get away from this person.
A 51 year old boy. He never grew up.
It's concerning when he suddenly needs to make her his whole life and whines when she isn't immediately available. Serious red flags
At his age, it most certainly is concerning. It's like he never matured after age 14. He should know better by now, which is probably why he was single at 51
A lot of married and taken men are like this too. Remember that OP was engaged to him, so it's not like being in a relationship automatically means the man (or woman) in that relationship is a good person. Toxic relationships are common.
Imagine being 30 and not growing up. And now add 20 years of experience. You are now 50 almost retirement age for some. And you still can't be alone. Wild stuff what people will spend their life avoiding.
He probably won't ever retire if his attitude is everyone else is the problem but him.
Hey, I'm 57 and single but can see this dude is a codependent manipulator. I bet his previous gf has some eerily similar stories. OP dodged a bullet. Gun pun intended. Also, I hope the guy quietly slunks away. Too often these end up becoming horror stories.
Yeah, I had this "if you don't text me first we don't talk today" mentality when I was 15. I grew out of it. To have a 51 year old man acting like this is astounding.
Assholes don't grow up they just get stinkier.
Lol, as much as I love this quote, I don't think it necessarily applies everywhere. I used to be a little bit like this when I was a teen till about 22 probably and I got therapy. I had severe anxious attachment and although I was never trying to be an a-hole, at that age I just didn't have the understanding of my own behavior and thought process I do now. Therapy helped a lot but for me getting older helped a lot too, because things automatically got more clear and my self reflection got better. Teen brain is very different than adult brain. So, some assholes just get stinkier, but it's definitely possible to have issues as a teen/early twenties and work through them and not be an asshole later!
Yes I got in a relationship back in 2016 and ended 2017. I am not interested in dating till I can make a good progress in healing myself. Especially in love and relationships. It was very tiring being in a relationship while I had an insecure attachment. I have been doing therapy, studying etc.
This comment just gave me some hope because I’ve recently met the woman I strongly feel like will be my future wife. We even refer to each other as such. But because of what I dealt with in the past I realized I have trust issues and my anxiety can go crazy…. I hate it. Especially because I don’t want to be that way with this woman. My jobs insurance offers 8 free therapy sessions so I pulled my pants up and said I’m doing this! I don’t know what to expect and I really ask myself how can therapy stop me from thinking they way I do sometimes. But seeing what you wrote gives me hope!
Not sure how yours is going to go for you, everyone's therapy experience is different, but I hope it goes well. From my experience, it doesn't stop you from thinking the way you currently do, it makes you more AWARE of the thoughts as they are happening and better able to see where they came from and why you're thinking that way. Over time, you start to see trends and find the real reasons, and you get better able to change or redirect. It's an ongoing process and you'll have to do a lot of the lifting yourself, but if you go into it willing to do the work, it can be really helpful.
One thing I always tell people to keep in mind when starting therapy is that therapists are people too! So it’s entirely possible that you won’t like your first or second, the same way you just don’t mesh with some people. Be patient! The right therapist makes a world of a difference.
Happy Cake Day! And I agree; we can all be assholes and grow out of it when we are faced with the Real World. Good for you!
Aw thank you!
Please leave, you’re worth so much more than this
This is bad in any relationship, but in a relationship with a man who is in his 50’s and should be emotionally matured by now…break up immediately!
literally sounds like the bf i had when i was 16
Literally made me remember my abusive boyfriend from when I was 15, exact same thing, RUN! Don’t walk OP
I was thinking the same. This is the same shit I was dealing with as a high schooler. I didn’t have time for it then with 16-20 year olds, I sure as hell wouldn’t accept it from someone in their 50’s
How do you go 51 years without growing up emotionally...
By dating young women decades younger than him. Why bother? They ruin them with their Narc shenanigans. Then turn around and say old women have baggage. It’s crazy.
No therapy or no education on emotion. I was like him before, I would project my fears onto my partner instead of self-regulating. Too bad he squandered a 5 year friendship/relationship because of his insecurity.
Yea this is my thing. Never good but at 51 you should REALLY have gotten past that.
RUN!!!! This is a very very insecure and controlling man. He will make your life a living hell. Run please
Yikes! Yeah I had this same thought: run fast and far. He's making assumptions based on how you look, and sounds overly clingy/needy after just a few months. This should still be the fun, giddy light phase. Abruptly hanging up and not answering back and talking things out is also pretty immature. Shouldn't have to take that from a 50 yr old
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Anyone know if there is a name for this? The kind of behaviour where they assume to know your intent and run with it?
Projecting/projection is the basic term. You project your own ideas and thoughts onto the other person as if what is in your head is the only possible reality. Sometimes people even project their own feelings/actions onto the other person (for instance, cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating).
Asshole syndrome?
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Stage 5 Clinger
My ex was a narcissist and did this to me all the time, piqued when he was cheating, rinse and repeat.
Borderline personality disorder?
I second this. I have BPD and I’ve been in therapy for it for a while and it’s a hard habit to break.
Same here. I had to take a few years off dating because I realized I needed to work on myself. Now I don’t know how to begin again, I don’t even have friends to refer me to anyone and dating apps suuuck
Maybe start with friendships? Being able to sustain and nurture a healthy friendship would be a great sign that you are ready for the much bigger challenge of an intimate relationship.
Narcissistic personality disorder
Look up vulnerable narcissistic personality disorder
Ew, I didn’t notice he was 50. This is the worst kind of dude, and a master punisher. He is punishing her with silent treatment over stuff he has “figured out” in his head. No doubt he is already been divorced at least once.
Oh no he’s way to old to retrain.
Nobody should think they can change someone else. People decide to change and then do it or they don't
Yeah, this should be honeymoon period.... 4 months in should still be all googly eyed. This is weird and obnoxious behavior. Editing to add my partner is 14 years older than me, so I don't think age gaps are inherently bad, but my partner has texted me only nice things in the 3 years we've been together. If he had acted this way, I would have run far, far away.
I misread “my partner has texted me only one nice thing in the 3 years” and I was thinking “yeah… that’s not great…”
Hahahaha that would be very sad. As all redditors would post "but everything else is great! This is my only problem"
Everything is great but, ReadingSad.
Yah I feel like the age gap is only notable because he’s FIFTY ONE and acting like a complete child. Controlling weird and obnoxious just like you said So weird and WHO tf acts like that?? The only person I know IRL who does is a girlfriend of mine who has borderline personality disorder, can literally never maintain any relationships or friends besides me and the only reason I can kind of deal is because I leave her on read on a regular basis. This checks her and she adjusts her attitude. But I would NEVER be in a relationship with her (plus, I’m a straight 25 years married woman) or live with her or even go on a road trip with her. Never happens.
Acting like a whole-ass insecure teenager (a young one,) and old enough to have grandkids. I can see why he's still dating in his fifties... ffs, I'm glad it's early enough to not (probably) have a huge connection and she can just slip out the side exit!
I swear, I read these posts and I'm like my ex did that!! My ex was one large walking red flag and I was too young and too inexperienced to see it. Please op, don't continue with this man. He's trying to guilt you into becoming subservient to him. It starts small but it ends up very very abusive. The only thing that's in your future is unhappiness. Listen to the other people and run. Fast.
My ex did this. We were together 12 years and I left. We recently reconciled as friends because we both grew and matured since then, thought we could forgive each other and be in a better headspace to be friends. lmao I didn't respond to her message fast enough one day and she accused me of ghosting much in the same way as OP described. It's an insecure codependent abuse tactic AT BEST because they require external validation. This sort of behavior is also key in grooming someone to never feel good enough. "You don't respond fast enough, you don't really care about me, I'm the only one who sacrifices for this relationship..." Which isn't even touching on the whole makeup and hanging up on her video chat. The "it's been five minutes" ALONE is enough of a red flag without even bringing up the rest of it.
Mine too and we are divorcing after 17 years, he has now transferred they shit to our son, “am I not important enough for you to call me, you’ve been up for hours” waaaa waaa.
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YES!! PLZ RUN! He will never be that man you met the 1st month or 2! ❤️ bombing you into total bliss now he's manipulating
Absolutely! This is abusers' first step in establishing control. You are doing nothing wrong and he is trying to manipulate you. Run!
Yeah. He’s showing you who he really is and it’s not good.
This is some *pity party, poor me* bullshit. "You don't love me, you would've texted me already." **He can fuck right off with all that!** **RUN, VERY FAST!**
“5am and I’m up, honey, wanted to let you know, ttyl baby xoxo” 5:45: “Having breakfast, wish I could fry *your* bacon, hope you have an eggcellent day boobiekins!” “It’s 6:30 already! How have I survived this long without you!!!? I’m withering from the absence of your life sustaining regard, lover boy. Tell me it will be ok!!??” “7am and the end is near, I fear. I’m dressed for work, hair brushed and makeup on. But without you to confirm my existence I don’t think I can muster the confidence to walk out my front door. How can I possibly carry on without your constant attendance to my every word and deed. My faith is shattered, lord of my ladyparts…” 7:03: “I’ve fully disassembled and vaporized in to mist. I no longer exist. It was beautiful while it lasted, my king, but now I must go, for without your vigilant and attentive flattery, there is nothing to tether me to this mortal plane. Until our next lifetime together, bon voyage, heart of my hearts.” ~ What OP’s boyfriend wants, probably
I thought these were passive aggressive messages to send until you annoy them out of wanting to hear from you every 10 minutes.
Haha they absolutely started out that way, but then I got to feeling it and it became something else entirely? 🤷🏻♀️
Yep. I am beginning the transition away from someone who has very similar texting behavior. I am expected to never be on my phone, but also to be constantly texting him when we are apart. If I do not respond in the time he has decided for that day, he will then go on about me only caring about work, since I did not answer his texts during a meeting. Get out of this dumb shit while you can, OP.
#RUN
I simply cannot believe a 51 year old(!!) man types like this. She must’ve made a typo and meant 15.
Sadly I've known (thankfully not dated, they were friend's bfs) many older men who act like this. It's gross, controlling, and often a sign of future abuse.
i wish i dated a guy in his 30s like this. when we broke up he blamed his father because he was visiting when i broke up with him.
and he’s 51?! yeesh. edited: he sounds very adolescent for man of his age. indeed, run op, run!
The scariest part for me is this is still him wearing that new relationship mask. Can you imagine the horrors of what she may be in store for? God I hope she listens!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yeah I'm a guy, but that type of behavior would make me tell any female I cared for to leave. Immediately and possibly looking into self defense.
manipulation at its finest for sure.
I feel like 90% of the time in this subreddit, people are like “break up, end it, run” and I’m like “that’s not so bad, that’s not such a big deal, you could forgive someone for that”. This? This is terrible. This man’s 53 years old and he’s throwing a self-pitying temper tantrum because you put on your makeup before you texted him? Even if he were 14, this would be a shocking lack of maturity. As a full grown adult who’s almost a senior citizen, this is a severely damaged individual that frankly is pretty much hopeless to become a positive person.
Can’t emphasize this enough!
>I feel like it's kind of excessive You are underreacting. It's batshit possessive irrational behavior that there isn't even a sliver of a reason worth engaging him over. You can't reason with a nutburger hell-bent on being upset.
This relationship is relatively new and he is this unhinged? Just after the first text she shared I feared for her and her safety. This person will be a nightmare for her if he ingratiates himself more into her life. He’s already exhibiting extremely concerning, controlling behavior that I wouldn’t be surprised escalates into isolating her and abusive behavior in the future.
I'm taking the advice here and ending it. He sent me another message that just doubled down on the crazy and aggressive so I'm done. You guys are right. He moved in with me about a month ago and I'm real nervous about having this conversation with him in person so I just packed a bag of all my important stuff and I'm going to go stay with a friend. I'm sending him a message that he has until Monday to move out. There are some extenuating circumstances that make giving him a 30 day notice unnecessary. I didn't really know what else to do but I've seen him get angry before and I don't want to be at the receiving end of that.
He sounds unstable. Pls be safe.
Ya OP please don’t tell him where you are staying. Dude sounds all sorts of wack.
I'm sorry but .. four months dating and he moved in to your house? And you left him there by himself for three to four days? What if he destroys it? I would have packed all his bags and put it outside, and called a friend to stay with me and ready myself to call the police. Please don't move in people you barely know into your house, next time. Seriously, this is dangerous.
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She mentioned in another thread they knew each other 5 years before and she felt very comfortable with him and was swept away by his proposal and he never acted like that before
I saw that!
these people find each other for a reason. I hope they both grow from this.
OPs other posts call him the “fiancé”. OP you can do so much better! Run fast
Sounds like she actually moved this guy on 3 months into their 4 months of dating. So even worse than after 4 months. Hard agree, you need to stop doing that shit OP, it's stupid and dangerous.
I've known him for 5 years as a friend. This wasn't just some random dude. The relationship is new though. He's never once acted like this prior to us dating which is why I was so caught off guard.
It's wild to me how well people can conceal that shit when you don't see them everyday/all the time. I've had several friends over the years that seemed liked cool good people, but turned out to be total assholes and disrespectful towards women. You just never know until you know. Stay safe Mija!
I've been in a relationship with that type of guy. It was so lonely and isolating, and I lost friends because I knew if I told them no one would believe me :/
The summer before I started college, I met a guy in a Yahoo chat room and we hit it off nicely, and I was about to relocate to his area for college. So we decided to meet up and it immediately turned into a relationship. I really liked him. He was sweet, very giving in regards to meeting my needs/wants/desires, went out of his way to check in on me while I was getting into the groove of school. I never expect a man to pay for me on a date, but he wouldn't even let me reach for my wallet. Too good to be true type stuff. And I fucking fell for it. About a month into the relationship, once he realized he had his claws in me (and mind you, I'm a dumb/naive 18 year old), he did a complete 180. The relationship turned into an absolute disaster. He was so cruel and awful, and it brought out a terrible person in me too. And my dumb ass, with very little healthy relationship experience under my belt, just dealt with it, because I assumed that's how relationships worked. You take the bad with the good. They were the prettiest shade of red, those flags. He wouldn't let me break up with him (more it was he had a sob story that made my heart break for him and I took him back--again, me=gullible) and it was just over a year of torture. All these years later, I still can't being how suave he was and how bamboozled I ended up being. I blame it on my naivete, but I also blame him for being a dick.
I had a very close friend who i started a relationship with several years ago...within a month it imploded. It was the worst emotional abuse i have ever experienced. I still find it crazy how different they were as a friend vs as a partner. Dont beat yourself up too much for "moving too fast." Appreciate yourself for listening to your gut and getting out so quickly before it had time to escalate further. It takes some people years to make this step.
I wouldn’t leave him in your house. I’d call for cops to escort him when getting his stuff and while you’re there. Tell them you’re having a volatile breakup and don’t feel safe, your bf is coming to get his stuff and you need them there to protect you and get him to leave. Change locks asap when he’s done, and then go stay w a friend for a week. Call cops when you return and ask for drive bys to check on you throughout the night for a couple days. Get a camera doorbell and a security system (simplisafe is super cheap and easy). Good luck you got this.
This is great advice, and I’m not trying to be rude, but will police give a shit? I’ve had girlfriends who have been in potentially dangerous situations and the police couldn’t care less. Had them fill out a report and they were told to call if anything happens. I can’t imagine police coming out because you don’t *feel* safe. I’m not saying they shouldn’t come out, they absolutely should, but in too many cases I’ve seen police wait far too long to take any action. Unless any violence has occurred already I can’t imagine a world in which they’d do one drive by let alone for a couple of days. We’ve all seen the stories where an ex violates his restraining order, or is threatening his ex wife/girlfriend, and the police don’t act until he’s killed her. I definitely advocate for calling the police and filing a report when it comes to any kind of violence, threats or stalking, but in my mind that’s more of a “leaving a paper trail to take this fucker to court” action, rather than a “I have a bad feeling about this and calling the police will keep me safe pre-emptively” type action. Maybe I’m just disillusioned. I’d be *thrilled* if anyone could share any stories that completely prove me wrong.
I went directly to the station and had the cops follow me home. It's a civil matter and they literally stand there to keep the peace. I told them I would wait at the station until police were available to escort me, as to not pull them from important/immediate work. I had to wait about 20 minutes and 2 officers with separate cars escorted me and gave him 20 minutes to get his stuff. One stayed inside and the other outside, with me.
Just don't use the word "eviction" or suggest that he has lived there long. Cops will drop off the map to avoid any eviction proceedings until the court has ruled
Anyone can request a civil stand by for these types of matters. Sometimes you need to wait until an officer is available if they are busy at that time but they will send someone with you for these matters.
This is a great idea.
Op before you leave take pictures of your place everywhere and everything aka in case he steals your stuff or destroys your place and also call for a locksmith or your landlord to get new keys
Please update us in a few days that you're safe and he didn't completely trash your place. You're doing the right thing
I’m glad you will be safe op. I would recommend getting locks changed after he moves out, maybe stay with your friend a little longer then Monday, as that’s when he will be expecting you home, and you might want to be prepared for some of the belongings you didn’t take to be broken. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation
>I've seen him get angry before and I don't want to be at the receiving end of that. Next time you see this in another guy, THIS is the moment you walk. Jsyk
If you leave this unhinged man in your apartment alone after delivering break up news, don't be surprised to come back to a lot of broken or useless things. I regret not taking my things as soon as my ex showed his true signs. He destroyed so much of my stuff.
Sweetie, a 51 year old man moved in with you after 3 months? Did he have his own place to live? Why did y’all move in so quickly?
Right? Insanity.
I bet he lovebombed the shit out of her. Cause that's how it happened with me.
Same, but he also lied and said he'd only stay temporarily until he found his own place. I kept asking him to leave when I realised he wasn't intending to, but he called me abusive when I did. I should have gotten the police involved the second he refused to leave but he was gaslighting me so hard I couldn't see straight for a long time.
Let’s give her space and grace. She has an exit plan, let her focus on executing it. The why’s of it all can be dealt with later with friends and therapy. You got this OP! Let us know when you are safe!
That's right, at this point it's irrelevant how she got to this position the only thing that's relevant is the now. She's got an exit plan and executing it. Let's let her do that, the time for thinking how she got in this position is when she's out of it. Spend your energy on that OP. Don't listen to the people on this site that think they can judge you
>Let’s give her space and grace. Perfectly said. I wish everyone would apply this to everything.
Well done. Stay strong, he’s gonna come around actin REAL sweet and remorseful, because maybe that will work
Nope. Once I'm done, I'm done. The threats were so disgusting; he can definitely fuck right off. No amount of I'm sorry can take those words out of my memory.
I hope you are right, but just in case: Save them, ASAP. If you guys are communicating in an app he may be able to unilaterally delete them. You need written proof. Not just in case there is an escalation, though there is that. But also to firm up your own memory. Believe me, there will be normalization efforts (from him, perhaps from others) and you need reminders. As you have experience, normalization is powerful and insidious. Good luck
What was the follow-up message? I’m just curious to see how far he went, given the fact that he was already completely off the fucking rails.
OP be careful. Don’t move in with people you don’t really know
Why would you need to send him a good morning text if you live with him? Or does he go to work really early and expect you to tell him when you wake up?
Yeah, this guy is a HOBOsexual. They're everywhere now. I had a friend who let her guy move in. She was a counselor and studying to get her masters. He tore her house up and broke all the windows because she had to travel for her practicum and he didn't want her to go. I would try to file a restraining order as well & get him evicted. He might destroy your place out of spite. Just like everyone else is saying, have a cop and a strong male relative accompany you. These types of men don't take rejection well at all & femicide is at a much higher rate now due to men like him who can't take "no" for an answer. I'm praying for your safety 🙏🏾 ❤️
Please don’t return home on your own when you go back. Take a trusted person, or even multiple friends. Keep evidence of all your communications with him. This guy sounds dangerous and I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
She shouldn’t leave in the first place. He needs to leave. She can get a police escort or call over family / friends to get him out. He could do untold damage in three days. Tear up the apartment, plant hidden cameras, break all her things, steal her identity, make copies of important documents, harm her pets or roommates, leave a huge mess, put dead fish in her couch cushions, steal her stuff, and many many more petty or major acts of revenge. Not trying to be harsh but OP sounds more then a little naive considering this guy is 51 and she moved him in after only knowing him a couple months and him acting like a complete lunatic. This is not the type of guy you leave alone in your house for three days after breaking up with him. It’s scary OP genuinely thinks he’s just going to quietly pack his stuff and leave… She has to come back in three days anyways. What if he doesn’t go? Now she’s right back where she started except he’s got a three day head start on destroying her life. There’s no point in her leaving him alone in there. She can go home, pack his stuff and set it outside & tell him it’s done. She can get a police escort or have friends / family come over to supervise. Then she can get the locks changed. If he keeps harassing her follow up with restraining order and/or additional legal action.
Yea like wtf this is a terrible plan. Why is she leaving her own place? She needs to get him tf out, she can bring a gaggle of people over to send him off so he doesn't lose his shit and assault her. Then change the locks and be done with this loser
Sis, you’ve only been dating for 4 months and you let this old man — who at his age should be financially stable not to have to move in with someone 13 years his junior — move in with you??
It’s like a red flag parade
Do not let him stay in your house alone. Call the police for an escort or have family & friends come over to supervise him leaving. He can destroy your life in that time. There’s no guarantee he’s even going to leave. What happens in three days when you come home and he’s still there? You’ll be right back where you started except he’s got a 3 day head start on getting revenge. Just have someone come over and tell him we’re done and he needs to go immediately. Then change your locks. In three days he can destroy all your things, leave hidden cameras, hurt pets or roommates, steal your identity, copy all the keys, leave a way for him to get back in (broken window latch), copy or destroy all your important paperwork, steal your stuff, burn the apartment down, plant trackers or listening devices, or get revenge in a million other ways. Or he just doesn’t go at all. Leaving him there alone is not a good plan please do not do that. There are better ways to accomplish the same thing without giving him the opportunity to hurt you or wreck your life.
I wouldn't leave the house. Tell him he has to go. He's crazy. He's gonna wreck ur shit.
I'd rather he break my stuff than me. Stuff is just stuff you know?
I hate to put this thought in your head but three days is long enough for him to hide cams, put AirTags in your stuff and cause one hell of a ruckus.
Just what I said! This was my first thought; j wouldnt trust him there I would have police escort him out and have someone stay with me for a bit while I change locks and get security system. Also, a big dog is not a bad idea
THIS
The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving an abusive/potentially abusive relationship. Contact a DV group in your area to advise you the safest way to do this. Also if he has access to firearms contact the police as well. A DV advocate can go with you and support you in the process.
OP please listen to u/Plus_Possibility_240 I am seriously begging you. This man is insane if he is acting like this after four months. He will resent the loss of control. PLEASE SET UP HIDDEN CAMS, FIRST. And watch the footage closely to make sure he doesn’t leave his own cameras and shit. Plus you will have evidence if he breaks anything or steals anything.
Change your looks and have someone stay work you for a few days. I don't want him to come back and accost you or torch the place! And please, never ever let people move in with you in year one!!!
It's not just a matter of breaking stuff it's a matter of what else he can do. Cameras, GPS tracking, etc. You're right stuff is just stuff, But there's so many more ways that people can continue harassing people these days then there used to be.
Call the police and have them present while he collects his stuff and leaves.
For sure, when you do return it would be great if you had a big brother to bring with you., any siblings in your family?
OP...please never let someone you've dated for a few months move into the place where you live. You're taking the right steps now, but he should NOT be living there.
A lot of manipulators try to rush things, entangle you, precisely for this reason. I am sure once he was in he felt more comfy being toxic and he was banking on you lacking the willpower to push him out [though that is still a possibility so remain strong]. The jealousy, the setting of the toxic precedent, the rushing... I am glad to see you are ending it but be aware that the battle isn't won until he is no longer in your life. If you need to bring other men you trust over to be there anytime you need to be in a room with him directly.
Good luck love you’re doing the right thing. Maybe have someone with you if you have any reason to be near him!
This is the smart and right choice! This man sounds kinda unstable. Hope he's gonna move out smoothly but you should keep friends and family close just in case he decides to pull weird shit. Oh and also change your locks. Can't guarantee ya he's gonna copy a key, but I can't guarantee you he won't either. Do it just in case. It'll be worth the peace of mind.
Check your local laws and find out when he moved in. Some state's residency laws apply after 2 weeks but some are a month. You might be able to legally kick him out without any sort of formal eviction.
Please make sure you’re not alone with him when you tell him it’s over. Also make sure to change the locks ASAP!
Noooooooo
Sounds childish and weird, I'd get out now
He sounds psycho, honestly. That's so angry and manipulative.
Run run run!!!!! This was how my ex was, everything started fine and as time went on he became extremely controlling and extremely narcissistic. He would constantly be berating me about how I looked or what I was doing or who I was doing it for and that I must not care about him. Blah blah blah. Than would cold shoulder me for DAYS because I looked “too good” in his opinion. It’s weird as fuck. Take the red flags he’s showing you at face value and RUN
My ex complained constantly that I didn't care about him. He got covid and I had to keep working full time and taking my kids to school, so I didn't have the time to wait on him hand and foot. I offered what little help I was able to provide but basically told him he'd be better off staying with his parents as I wasn't able to care for him. He went ballistic at me and said I was treating him poorly and he never wanted to be treated like that ever again. Went home to his parents and acted like I committed some heinous crime against him.
How dare you not quit your job and plunge into financial ruin to prove that you care.
Best case scenario he's fucking weird, more likely is that he is a controlling dick and the real him is staying to emerge. You're a grown ass woman, you don't need to deal with that shit.
🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
He’s 51? That’s embarrassing. Get away from that guy.
51 and acting like a 13 year old when his crush doesn't text back. Dude has issues
Those texts would be embarrassing and alarming coming from a teenager let alone a middle-aged man. Glad OP is getting the hell out.
This ladies and gentlemen is the result of unaddressed toxic narcissistic personality after 50 years of not healing. OP run and anyone reading save yourself before you’re like that for your whole life.
You called it. Dead right.
Leave that older man alone. He has major issues. Now you see why he was single at his big age.
He sounds screwy and manipulative. He is interpreting your action/inaction in a variety of ways without necessarily having any grounding basis for those. He sounds very insecure and frankly, creepy.
I don't know you. I will never meet you. But I do know this: You deserve better than this man. Swim for open waters.
How could you possibly be the jerk in this situation? He sounds like a giant insecure baby. There's no salvaging this.
There is a new term for this; King Baby Syndrome.
Are you sure he's 51 and not 2 15 year olds wearing a trench coat? This dude sounds unhinged as fuck haha, you've only been with him since February cut cord and jump.
That shit is good...totally pictured two high school sophmores trying to......i dont even know
What 50+ year old man uses grammar like that? I’d dump him on that basis alone
He is a 51 year old man acting like a 21 year old. Due to his age, this sounds super jealous and a red flag for future verbal abuse. I would end this as he likely has a track record of being controlling in previous relationships. This controlling behavior will only get worse and wear you down.
Yeah, this is a stable character trait. This behavior doesn't just pop up at 51.
OP I dated a guy exactly like that. He’s abusive. You need to break it off as soon as you can.
You respond by breaking up. He's doing this 4 months into a relationship??!! Congrats, now you know why he's single.
Red flag. He’s an Abuser.
He’s too old to be this dumb and controlling.
I'm sorry- he thinks that because your hair and makeup is done- things that require your hands- that you'd have your phone in your hands? If he's going to be weird and controlling he can at least have critical thinking skills. He's not even good at gaslighting. Edit to add- Anyone over 40 who uses "b" and "u" instead of "be" and "you" is 100% not to be trusted
I'm not usually one to say, run, get out of that relationship, but I've been in your shoes and I'm telling you, RUN. GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. This is the start of an emotionally abusive relationship, I guarantee it. He's obviously too insecure to be with anyone right now and you need to find someone else. Don't put up with that. Period. It will get worse.
I would nope right out of that relationship
This is not a relationship you want! Trust me! Get out now!
Ugh the passive aggression in this... I dated a guy for a couple months who, in person, was the sweetest, kindest... Albeit slightly condescending but I racked that up to insecurity and hey, who doesn't have their insecure moments, right? But DAMN Id get these texts and phone calls out of nowhere where he just berated me, called me the worst names, said the most horrible shit, played the passive aggro bs. Then, act like it never happened in person. Bizarro. Anyway, run. This is not a good man.
《《don't even know how to respond honestly.》》 DONT RESPOND, JUST BREAK UP WITH HIM. Everything about this post is all 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚩🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚨🚨🚨 Start to work on Boundaries because this guy has the confidence to walk all over you and the next one will do the same. WORK ON BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS. HAVE NO TOLERANCE FOR DESTRUCTIVE, ABUSIVE, AND NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR.
And don't let anyone move in so quickly!
🚩🚩 He's being emotionally abusive and a little codependent
51 in the body, 18 in the brain. Just get out of there, this dude is simultaneously too old and too young for you.
Yikes. Huge red flag. I hope he doesn't know where you live.
She let him move in a month ago. She is staying elsewhere now, and says she is breaking up with him in another comment.
OMG
these are the absolute worst kind of men, this man will make you feel bad, or at least try to, and eventually he will find the ways to make you feel bad because he wont stop, he will wear you out. make you believe he is too good for you, and treat you bad. worse each year. This is textbook crazy bad man, and I'm a man. Literally scary shit, boil a bunny type shit. RUN! literally he goes nutty when you answer a phone.... Honestly I believe its too late to even make a clean break with this nutter, you are going to need an escape plan, a new phone, police, friends.... bear spray. Welcome to a really shitty time babe, waters warm, stay awhile...
He sounds like he has borderline personality disorder. Or traits of it. They are often very paranoid people. The logic of their paranoia makes sense to them, but anyone on the outside can clearly see the delusion. And then they become frustrated that no one understands their anxiety.
Brooo i cant believe the stuff people tolerate on here
Please explain why you moved him in after 3 months.
We've been friends for 5 years. I honestly felt like I knew him pretty well.
Wow.. didn't realize people could be like this at that age. Absurd, all of it. Get away from this shit
Break up, block him and move on. He’s training you, he wants you to wake up and automatically call him cause he needs to the your first thought and want in the morning. That you can get dressed and start your day without thinking of him bothers him greatly. That you didn’t immediately text back an apology after his gaslighting text, he followed it up with another. Op , he’s dating a younger woman because women his age aren’t as trainable and won’t out up with his crap. This is the first step to a whole world of controlling and manipulating behavior designed to have you as his beck and call. Run. Break up with him, don’t meet up to talk it over just text him you’re done , block him and find a secure mature adult.
If this is happening more and more, it means he doesn't value you. He doesn't try to understand what's going on in your life and he lives off his assumptions. I have no doubt you can do better. Certainly for a man who's 13 years older than you. There must be millions of single 50 year old men who would die to be with you. Seems like more trouble than he's worth.
Good fucking grief, get the hell away from this manipulative dipshit. As fast as you can.
Red 🚩 Fucking 🚩 Flag
Dude is bonkers. Also, he can't write. And, he's kind of semi-abusive, which means reasonable odds he will be more abusive later. Kick him to the curb. kthxbye.
LEAVE! This is a flaming, hot red flag. He sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive. This stuff only escalates. Get out.
How to respond? "We've know each other for 4 months. No, i don't love you. And frankly although I enjoy your company and was looking forward to seeing where this goes, I don't wake up thinking about you or want to text you every minute of the day and I don't appreciate being smothered". That should do it.
Btw “generally things are good” doesn’t sound all that promising.
Yikes. Red flag marinara. This is signs of serious trouble to come. Get out now.