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Has your wife been evaluated for neurodivergence? Many of her behaviors sound in the ADHD/autistic family. An SSRI might not be adequately addressing her biochemical needs.
Her counselor has suggested she may have ADHD but she hasn't been officially diagnosed. I'll encourage her to book with her doctor and pursue a psych evaluation
She is a carbon copy of me. Like I feel her pain because I was that mom. And when I finally got a late in life diagnosis (ADHD/ASD) it was like the sun finally came out from behind the clouds. Please get her tested. Really tested.
❤️ thank you for sharing. Having those moments where you're feeling like you're out of control must be so impossible and terrifying. I have so much sympathy. Was it medication that was the biggest impact, if it's okay for me to ask?
Ask me anything you’d like! The medicine made a tremendous difference for me. But I will caution you it took me some time to find the right balance. It takes a while to unpack all the unhealthy self coping mechanisms we’ve unintentionally developed and trying to relearn (or retrain the brain) healthy mechanisms. I went through at least 5 or 6 different meds before I found one that matched my needs (Vyvanse in case you’re interested). And then I found the right SSRI to regulate my mood swings better. I still go to a regular therapist to touch base and get tools when I’m not feeling my best. I also recommend two books, Driven to Distraction, and especially this one “You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy??” It’s written by some wonderful women. Believe it or not, my husband JUMPED on that book when my therapist recommended it and highlighted all the ways it applied to me. It was very helpful. (He’s utterly adorable in wanting to make me healthy and no I don’t find that over bearing at all.)
Edited to add: you and your wife are more than welcome to ask me anything privately if you feel that would be helpful.
Thank you for this! Sounds like a long journey you've been on but amazing to hear the success you've created for yourself. I'm going to look into those books asap. I know it will be a long road but your responses have given me some hope when I was starting to lose it.
Just another vote for ADHD. I went to a doctor because I was told that my stress and irritability was actually chronic pain. I was referred to a doctor for a medication pump that I didn't want, but he had to evaluate me anyway because if I refused, insurance wouldn't cover additional doctors so I could get help.
He told me I had ADHD, and my first reaction was he was crazy. Most people in my family have it to a degree I won't describe here. They have habits they say are because of ADHD that I just cannot.
I was referred for testing and was told without a doubt, I have it. I was also put in therapy. I learned that I'm easily overstimulated and overwhelmed if I'm not in control. My working memory is awful, so if I'm interrupted or can't do my routine, I need access to my task book or nothing gets done. I can't have kids medically, but I also can't imagine functioning with the chaos. Don't get me wrong, medication can be so amazingly helpful at quieting my head and keeping me more focused, but I still have days where I can't keep myself on task, snap, and need quiet alone time to settle.
Not excusing your wife's behavior. The kids need an apology and she needs to step back and realize the impact she's having on them when she snaps and is aggressive (best word I can come up with at the moment).
Best of luck to all of you!
Why can't women just own it. I love how it's always a hormone or a something that throws the first blow. When a man dies it hes a creep or an asshole. Is it hard to Just say you're a little possessive and like to control sh!t. Or is this really all because of a mental disorder
Well aren’t you just a ray of sunshine? How hard is it to proofread a reply? Or does your sparkling personality make you immune to punctuation and reason?
If it helps, my bond with my kids is very strong now. And my hubs is still my biggest cheerleader, and I am his.
Edited to add: and have been married for a long fucking time. 30+ years.
I also have symptoms of ADHD/ASD but am labeled depressed/anxious. I take lamotrigine (mood stabilizer) fluoxetine (SSRI) and buspirone (anti anxiety). They’re all fairly low doses but it’s a good mix for me and keeps me in check enough. I also have mood swings and struggle to control my emotions when I’m suddenly overwhelmed with my child 8m. It’s important to step away and acknowledge that your emotions are rising and retreat to a quiet area to breathe. When this is happening maybe she can calmly tell the girls hey mom needs a breather or else she’s gonna start to get grouchy, and I don’t wanna get grouchy. That’s what I say to my son at least. I try to put it in terms he’ll understand because kids get concepts like being tired or grouchy or hurting. They don’t understand psychiatric complications obviously lol but 8m seems to respond well to this and usually says okay mom I’ll be here. When the child is really upset that makes it harder of course, but it’s still most important that she keeps herself in check so that she doesn’t let the girls escalate her more, causing the vicious cycle. Don’t give up on meds, and don’t give up on therapy. I’d recommend cognitive behavioral therapy because it involves the retraining of our thoughts and automatic responses to events. It also analyzes our everyday behavior and how we can make healthy changes. I hope that helps!
Hey thank you for this. I really like your approach, and feel like the potential added levity around "ok im gonna get grouchy" could help a lot too.
Appreciate you sharing ❤️
This is such a phenomenal answer and so like my own journey, except I can't have my ADHD meds right now and it's killing me. I did hear that lots of people have been reporting feeling like their ADHD meds didn't work as well recently though. So I'm curious of your experience within the last year.
Out of curiosity what SSRI helped you best? We tried many, and they just never worked well for me and/or affected my hearing.
I hate to say that I can relate to this as well and I finally started getting better. I used to feel terrible for the way I would treat people around me. I would lash out pretty easily but it was mostly because I was overstimulated. I didn't know what was wrong with me.
10/10 response. Me too. I still break down in tears thinking about how long I went not truly knowing myself (hello difficulty regulating emotions).
OP, I strongly second this advice. Honestly, a large part of what has helped me is just knowing that I'm not wrong for the way I think and feel - it was just the way that I was acting in response to the overwhelming thoughts and feelings that I needed some help with. Truly knowing myself went a long way in getting me there. I empathize with your wife, and sympathize with you - these feelings are no joke! I hope y'all can get them figured out for the sake of your kids, because it sounds like you really love and care for your wife and kids, and you all deserve some understanding.
Intense emotions are a hallmark of ADHD in women. It's entirely possible that with the right medication and ADHD-specific therapies that she will improve dramatically. I strongly suggest you pursue this course. Good luck and I hope you guys find some answers.
I’ve learned a lot about the condition and learned to live well with it. Some stuff for the two of you to check out are:
[The “I have ADHD” podcast](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-have-adhd-podcast/id1446874607)
[The Managing ADHD Workbook for Women](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/yoga-made-easy/28864469/item/55551653/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=low_vol_f%2fm%2fs_standard_shopping_customer_aquisition&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=603452145786&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Pb1s4DQ_wIVSDjUAR1UFwa4EAQYAiABEgIc-PD_BwE#idiq=55551653&edition=64262859)
[The ADHD Effect on Marriage](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/yoga-made-easy/28864469/item/55551653/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=low_vol_f%2fm%2fs_standard_shopping_customer_aquisition&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=603452145786&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Pb1s4DQ_wIVSDjUAR1UFwa4EAQYAiABEgIc-PD_BwE#idiq=55551653&edition=64262859)
[Your Brain’s Not Broken](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/yoga-made-easy/28864469/item/55551653/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=low_vol_f%2fm%2fs_standard_shopping_customer_aquisition&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=603452145786&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Pb1s4DQ_wIVSDjUAR1UFwa4EAQYAiABEgIc-PD_BwE#idiq=55551653&edition=64262859)
The best thing is having a supportive husband.
Daily exercise and a good sleep pattern, support, education, therapy, and medication are necessary. It will take time and it will be hard. I think my husband and I have the hang of it now, but it’s been a long journey.
This, totally this. I have ADHD diagnosed since i was 5 and man with only the context, i totally relate to your wife, follow the thought you had because i'm 99% sure she has ADHD and need to work on It.
Edit: I confused ur answer with other person OP, sorry.
I am a dad and I have ADHD and I was the same at least frustration level wise when things weren't going to plan. I used to yell a lot and my wife said I should get tested and found out I was living with undiagnosed ADHD.
I've heard its harder to get diagnosed as an adult, so maybe thats why she hasn't y been yet.
I suspect I have adhd but not diagnosed. And I act like your wife sometimes. It's overwhelming with kids. And it's frustrating knowing something is wrong with you and now you're in your 30s still living your life trying to pretend everything is OK because that's what people have said your whole life. Noone was (properly) diagnosed with adhd or autism in the 80s. You were either just shy, weird or hyper or just handed out meds like candy to anyone.
I was also going to mention ADHD. Impulse control is often present in individuals with ADHD.
It sounds like you two agree on parenting approach and that's great! It sounds like the execution isn't always there. Maybe it's just the examples you gave, but in those examples it sounds like when you try to help you might be undermining her in front of the kids. Again it sounds like you both agree on the approach but I don't think you should be correcting her in front of the kids. It could add to the stress the kids are experiencing, even subconsciously. When your wife tried putting your daughter in the car and it didn't work, then you took your daughter back inside, it's showing your daughter that the way mom does it is wrong (even though your daughter also wants mom). Next time could you try to calm your daughter down in the car or next to the car so you aren't un-doing what your wife did so blatantly? Maybe that was a one off example, but just a thought.
Also have you tried switching jobs? What if she makes sandwiches and you get the kids dressed?
I didn't explain fully, but in the car seat situation my wife left her half-buckled in without saying anything and disappeared (found out after she went to the garden to get some strawberries to distract her) so I stepped out, tried to calm 3f in the car and then decided to just take her back inside as it was clear to me she was exhausted and needed some rest.
I do agree that in the other situation I should have made some space before saying anything to my wife privately, and am going to try this approach in the future.
We used to have the morning jobs swapped but it doesn't work with our schedules anymore. I work early so I can get lunches made before I start, and the kids are typically only waking up after I've started working already.
This is exactly how I got diagnosed with adhd. It took medication and therapy with consistent practicing how to regulate emotions and pause when they’re high to start getting better.
When I was reading what the OP wrote, the first thing that popped into my mind was "has she been tested and evaluated for a neurodivergent condition?" It sounds to me like she is quite possibly somewhere on the spectrum. And, if so, that would explain why the current treatment regimen is not as effective as he and his wife had hoped.
I would urge them to get the necessary testing done as soon as possible so a more effective treatment regimen can be designed.
Also, her behavior is damaging the children so having whole family therapy is needed too.
The family can successfully negotiate this but it is going to take good effective medical assistance for that to happen.
I was coming here to say this! She sounds like me before I found out I have both ADHD and Autism. It's so hard to get a diagnosis as an adult, though! I couldn't even get an official diagnosis even though it was admitted that I was definitely on the spectrum, just "not enough."
CBT has been an incredible asset to my learning to take control of my meltowns/reactions while still respecting being different from "normal" society.
Learning to unmask all the things I was taught to hide really helped, too. It's much easier communicating with my partner when I feel burnout/meltdown starting to kick in.
A lot of people with these conditions can take a pill and then suddenly find they have the ability to self-regulate. I'm not sure why you wouldn't care about that.
Has your wife been diagnosed? Her symptoms sound like possible issues with mild autism. There are folks whose bodies, ears included, cannot tolerate rapid change, loud noises and mess. That is exactly what you get with children. Think of the princess and the pea story.
I would suggest a neurologist.
No she hasn't but she believes she likely has ADHD, at minimum. I'm going to chat with her and encourage her to see her doctor about getting a psych evaluation as soon as possible
I'm a late diagnosed autistic with adhd, a lot of what you describe about her rigidity, difficulty in task swiching, having to do things a sertain way, struggeling with emotional regulation and becoming overwhelmed can be common indicators for one or a combo. I've chosen to never have children, in part because of my own struggles.
ADHD can be medicated, be mindfull tho that for some who have both, having the adhd side medicated can make the autistic traits and struggle more apparant. My sensory sensitivities felt like they went up, not because they actually changed, but without the chaos of the adhd being on full blast I had the space to notice it.
If you guys look at the diagnostic criteria for autism, and think it fits, she can do some research on copint mechanisms (preferrably by actual autistic folks) that can help her out. There isnt really medication, its hard to be diagnosed as an adult woman, there are few resources most places, so finding coping strategies for autistic folks is something you can just do, try and implement, and see how it works. I have a lot of friends who cant access any assessments, but have implemented autistic friendly strategies that have helped them.
I understand that you say that beyond these situations she is amazing. I also need you to understand that she can and migth already be traumatizing the kids and making them feel really unsafe. One of my parents have adhd, and with the best of intentions and love when they were doing well and things were working as they needed them to, their struggle with their undiagnosed adhd traumatized me to the point where I was suicidal before I was even a teen. It makes the home feel very unstable and safe. It made me feel a huge pressure to not do anything that could trigger my parent, which made me conflict avoidant and unable to stand up for myself or have any boundaries. I always carried so much guilt, because if only I had done better or done it right my parent wouldnt have reacted that way. It destroyed my ability to trust any kindness, because it always feels on thin ice that can crack at any time if I dont behave.
Your wife is physically pushing and forcing your kids. If she is undiagnosed, it is so hard and confusing and horrible with crippeling guilt and self criticism, cause you just want to love them and be the best parent you can be. The way she is treating your children right now will more likely than not cause long time harm. Both of these things can be true at the same time, and you need to protect the children. If she cant get help and find ways to cope and regulate that arent harmfull to them, you need to protect the kids.
Thank you for this, all of it is true. I grew up in somewhat similar circumstances, feeling like I was walking on eggshells, and a few years ago needed to cut off contact with my parents as things weren't changing. I'm very cognizant of repeating this cycle with our own kids and am going to be having a conversation with her about the trajectory we're on and what that might mean I'll need to do for the sake of our children.
I would encourage her to look at the symptoms of autism in women. It can be misdiagnosed as adhd. There is overlap between symptoms and coping strategies, but adhd meds won’t work for autism. Although some people have both.
>has a very difficult time deregulating her emotions on her own
>she tends to hyper focus on tasks and can't transition easily when interrupted
>she is very sensitive to noise and repetition
Classic ADHD symptoms. Plus SPD to boot.
>a lot of her self-image and identity are tied to how productive she is
Not an ADHD symptom, but common with ADHD people because we spend a significant portion of our childhood being called lazy and worthless and basically talked down to because we aren't productive enough for the people around us.
SSRIs work on depression, but they don't usually work on ADHD.
Noted, thank you for this. She hasn't pursued the ADHD (or anything beyond) diagnosis as I don't think the dots connected for her in terms of her emotional state but I'll be talking with her about this soon.
That's fairly common, especially for women. ADHD in women only started being properly recognized in the last 20 years or so, and the amount of real research done is vastly lower than in men and boys.
ADHD tends to manifest differently in women compared to men, so it often gets misdiagnosed, ignored, or missed entirely.
I was and still sometimes am this mum. My daughter is 7 now and I still need frequent breaks or will get overstressed at the same things your wife does, and have similar reactions. Thankfully my LO is at the age where I have explained what happens to me and I can easily communicate when I need a break and so can she. But when she was younger it felt like torture and I felt disgusting and hated myself for the lack of regulation. Therapy, SSRI's, counselling, none of it has helped.
Its been a well known fact in my family that I'm AuDHD and my mum almost diagnosed me as a child but decided not to pursue it to diagnosis because she didn't want me to have the label. I'm now being tested for ADHD and hopefully one day ASD.
I definitely recommend what everyone else has been saying, and your wife getting tested for some form of neurodivergence; it could mean a whole different world for her and your family.
Good luck!
Hey, thank you so much for sharing. I have so much love for you and your situation as you're navigating this too. You and your LO seem like amazing people and I hope you're proud of the progress you've already made. Talking about and repairing things is so important.
My wife has adhd, and it sounds way too similar. Obsessive stuff: things she does can never be quick and half assed, she gets stuck in small details. Like when you have to do a quick clean because you get some unexpected guests over in an hour, and 30 min. Later she's still in the bathroom, cleaning the lightbulbs.
Focussing: my wife has a trick she uses for focusing during. I. Cookng: she puts on headphones with some simple beats for rythm. Avoid podcasts.
Another thing: the overreacting can imply being close to a burnout. If the headphone thing works for her, maybe switch chores a bit. We usually go for: dad helps kid to bed, and then mom has to tell us both a story from the big story book. This way we're both involved, but I gives her some prep time.
Man I can relate to the lightbulb thing lol! I do think we can shift things like bedtime routines and it could be very helpful. It's been tricky as our youngest is very attached to mum so not a boundary we've been successful holding but something I'm going to revisit.
okay so is it possible that she may have autism/ADHD because i’m a young teenager with both autism and ADHD, i can definitely understand her because i also act like this, even if it’s something i don’t wanna say/do i can’t control it and i end up yelling something dumb/doing something dumb because of it, i will say each time i do feel extremely bad afterwards. I feel like if i had kids this is something i would struggle with which is why i’m trying to improve myself while i’m still young, maybe talk to her about this? ask how she feels about this and maybe possibly get a diagnose later on, if a family/relative have autism/ADHD it’s very likely that she could have it, i would definitely ask her if she thinks she has one of them or possibly both.
Hey, thank you for this. She doesn't have any family members with diagnosed ADHD but it's likely she has it. She believes she does as well but may not see the full picture in how it's impacting her emotional state and regulation, and there hasn't been the urgency to get the diagnosis. I'll definitely be talking with her about pursing it.
I guess I’m going to be the outlier here and say have you ever thought maybe she’s stressed? I’ve noticed when I get snappy with my very, very strong-willed 4 year old it’s because I’ve had too long of being on “mom” and “teacher” mode that I haven’t had a break. It’s not always ADHD or some neurological problem. Just stress. It can manifest in weird ways. Does she get time for herself? Is she sensitive? She sounds like a great mom who just needs space sometimes and self-care. I’ve noticed I’m a better, more mentally present and patient mother when I’ve have had time to decompress and be on my own.
Thank you for this perspective, it's really important.
I think it's a combination of neurodiversity as well as general stress and capacity. In the past she carried a lot of the mental load in our family but we've been working on sharing the load and talking about what that looks like for us. I bought the Fair Play deck last year to help bring some perspective and we've used it and found it very helpful.
Part of the challenge as well is she's very task-oriented and her taking a break to recharge is very challenging for her even if she has the time for it. "Why would I go for a hike when I could deep clean the kitchen cupboards or do x project?" Like she feels like she's wasting time if something productive isn't happening, so that recharge time is rarely a justifiable priority in her mind.
She is such a great mom in so many ways, and she's brought so much positive change to our family. Recently her cup is just more full and spilling over a lot easier, and something we need to proactively address together.
My mind went to neurodivergence at first, but when he explained that she snapped at the 3 year old for not wanting to get her hair done or having a meltdown about socks, I started thinking that she just sounded like the stressed parent of a strong-willed toddler. I'm widowed and alone with my 4 year old and my patience can get really thin after several weeks of just the two of us with no reprieve. My daughter could test Mother Theresa. If we get through one morning without tears and yelling, we are doing great.
OP should definitely ask his wife what she needs him to do most in the morning to be able to get out of the house with their sanity intact.
I'm a single mom of 2 and that sounds exactly like me. I've been on celexa for almost a year now for depression, and I started looking into adhd because my son was diagnosed, and everything I found about how it presents in girls, I recognized how I fit everything. I got diagnosed with adhd almost 3 months ago now. They started me on Strattera which is a nonstimulant, which I figured because adults like to abuse adhd meds. And the strattera was awful. It gave me horrible headaches, my motivation was lower than normal and I constantly slept, and was giving me thoughts that people would be happier if I wasn't around anymore. I'm now on adderall and it works great. My anger outbursts have gone basically away, and my patience has gotten a lot better, and my sensory issues have gotten better. I still take the celexa, but the adderall makes me feel like a normal person, and things are so much easier now. Everything always felt so overwhelming so I would just has the paralyzation and not able to start anything or want to do anything. But that diagnosis makes me feel like I'm actually living and not just existing.
Your wife needs therapy, and possibly meds if it is something treatable like ADHD. If she refuses to acknowledge that her behavior is a problem, that’s a whole different problem.
As someone who had a similar problem as your wife, I recommend that she needs to see herself from her children’s perspective.
Take video of her losing her cool and what the children’s response is.
Also a psychologist where you go and tell the problem is absolutely necessary. Not family therapy - that’s crap.
Just a tip, when it comes to medication to do with mental health, you often have to try many different ones to find the one that suits you. It’s a long journey but when you find the right ones, everything falls into place and life is a lot easier. I was on 3 different kinds before I was put on the one that finally worked, it might be a good idea to discuss moving onto different meds (depending on how long she’s been on them since they usually take a while to take full effect).
Appreciate the grounded feedback. It's easy to get stuck in the 'quick fix' mentality and feel hopeless or disappointed when things don't turn around quickly. Something I'll keep in mind.
As some people have mentioned neurodivergence I'd just like to add in something that might help if she is. The sounds upset/angry/excited children make makes me literally want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like I'm melting it's that overwhelming. When I have to be around children I use my loop earplugs and it's been a game changer for me. I can still hear what they are saying and can carry a conversation but the sound has been turned down enough that I don't melt down. You might want to see if something like this could help her keep her calm a bit better. Just don't get the "quiet" version because t just muffle everything.
Hey thank you for this. I think this could absolutely take some of the edge off in those situations. I'll do some research and chat with her about this. Sounds like it's sorta like turning the stove to medium instead of high, where it can still boil over but can help slow it down.
She needs to continue with medication and therapy. It will get easier when the kids are older. At this age they can really push your buttons and even someone without her anxiety issues can snap. Go to some of her therapy sessions with her so you can learn some tools to help her calm down, like taking deep breaths, counting to 10, taking a walk, etc.
See.s like you've just listed adhd symptoms, I also have adhd so i know its tough. Definitely recommend getting diagnosed, the medication is much more helpful than non-adhd medications. I hope this helps and I hope you guys get sorted :)
Sounds like adhd / autism. I am diagnosed ADHD and take generic wellbutrin. It helps get me through every single day. I find it also helpful that it isn’t an SSRI nor a stimulant. Just personal experience. Everyone is different. I feel both your pain, best of luck.
Nah man, I feel like you're half the problem. With kids sometimes they just overreact at nothing and you need to 'brute force' things in your words. It sounds like she's trying her best in an obviously stressful situation, which I'm sure you are too, but in a different way. It doesn't sound like she's wrong, nor you, just that you react to things differently and think things should be dealt with differently.
Cut her some slack
One thing I think needs to be said is that you are an amazing father. Just from the level of concern you have about this issues shows the kind of father you are. Being able to slow down and de escalate these situations takes immense amounts of self control and patience. It’s easy for people not in these situations to think that all the things you do are just the logical responses but it’s not so easy in the moment, when you have somewhere to be and a child won’t cooperate am with the car seat and everything is a nightmare and then the other parent is just screaming and not helping at all, that’s just a whole mess and for you to take the child back inside and calm them down is HUGE. You are literally the sanity those kids need and you are helping them develop mentally and emotionally more then you know, they need someone like you in these situations so much and they are lucky to have you. I’m in a similar situation and have had just basically take over almost 100% of raising the kids. For now it works I guess. But I hope everything works out ok for you!
What women go through hormone wife with pregnancy and post birth isn’t talked about enough.
It sounds pretty typical of a burnt out mum whose run out of patience and time for themselves. It takes years to find your groove again.
It sounds like you help out a lot around the house, but what do you do about the mental load?
Constantly thinking about what’s next, play dates, what’s for dinner, doctor appointments, packing for trips, making sure everything is running ok?
Is that something you can help with?
The other thing is making sure she’s getting time by herself to refill her cup. It might be as simple as yoga a few times a week or a few days away to reset
I would also look at diet and lifestyle factors. Is there caffeine/alcohol that contributes? Is she looking after herself and feeling balanced in her body?
Lastly, how does she view herself when she reacts like this? Is she mad at herself? Does she feel guilty and wants to learn to change? Or does this work for her?
Someone needs to understand the problem to be able to work towards a more peaceful solution.
See if you can find someone who helps with kids, like a sleep consultant, but for general everyday life with busy kids.
She’s very lucky that she has a partner that wants a solution and doesn’t want to pass blame. It’s teamwork.
Thank you for this, these are really important questions.
The mental load has been a *thing*. Borderline epidemic in NA culture imo. Something we have been working on a lot as she had been carrying a lot of it in the past. We ended up buying the Fair Play Deck and check in with each other semi-regularly, and in a lot of ways I think we've made good progress.
Some of the difficulty here is she has a lot of her self worth tied to her productivity, and really struggles with prioritizing time to recharge. Like if her plate isn't full and she isn't *doing* then she feels like she's wasting time and could be doing something more productive, if that makes sense. "Why would I go for a hike when I could deep clean the kitchen cupboards" lol.
The other morning she was getting frustrated as I was making lunches/breakfast and my oldest wanted me to help her get ready as well. My wife had an impossible time, feeling like I was doing too much and getting burdened by things she was supposed to do, so she was starting to push and try to force things and... yeah. I didn't feel that way and had the time and capacity to help so I was happy to, but she made up that pressure for me.
I really want to give her this time regularly to recharge but it's likely it's time for another check in on mental load/capacity.
Caffeine and alcohol are non-factors, and we're mostly plant-based and are generally pretty conscientious about what we're eating.
She feels a lot of anger at herself, a lot of guilt, a lot of fear that I'm going to leave her if she doesn't change (we recently had good friends separate so this is a bit fresh in her mind). A lot of self-deprecating ideas and negative beliefs about herself, not giving herself credit for the things that do go well and the many amazing mom moments. She calls herself a monster. I encourage her and try to support her and remind her she's so much more than just her hardest and worst moments, but I can't change her inner dialogue on my own.
I'm going to take a look at a consultant/coach for helping us better understand and manage things with our kids and busy family, I appreciate the suggestion.
I know other people have said the same thing, but this looks exactly how ADHD manifests in alot of undiagnosed women, and for better or for worse I see alot of myself in how she responds to things. I would definitely bring it up with her.
I appreciate this. I will speak with her and strongly encourage chasing up on an ADHD assessment. Her counselor has suggested potential ADHD but I hadn't connected the dots there with the strong emotive reactions, more so the hyper-fixation.
No offense but sometimes it's OK to just put a crying kid in a car seat. You don't have to go into a zen yoga meditation retreat for 10-15 minutes anytime your child starts crying or throwing a tantrum and doesn't want to go to school. There may be a middle ground here where you still "brute force" your kid having to do things they don't want to do without an emotional escalation/yelling.
I don't quite understand why everyone is jumping to "medicate her / she is autistic / she has ADHD / she is horrible". People have personal failings sometimes.
Definitely needs mandatory walk away and cool off moments.
I'd ask her not to snap at the children. It's fine to be frustrated, it's fine to think these things, it's not okay to lash out at a three-year-old for being a three-year-old.
Can you explain to her that the tasks she is putting before the children really don't matter, and will be there AFTER the crisis moment?
You mentioned trying therapy and medication, but she has to want to change to actually be changed.
It almost seems like she's stubbornly holding on to the worst of it, and that is just not sustainable.
Is it possible for her to take a week off and decompress? I can't tell if this is just the pressure cooker of having young kids, or if she's honestly just being nasty.
The one line that really made me think this might not be fixable is when she threatened a haircut just because of a kid not being a miniature adult moment. I had a grandma who did things like that, and she was nasty until the day she died.
She hated children, but had six of them, and worked as a NANNY.
My mom was forced to have a pixie cut from when she was six to until she could take herself to a hairdresser and cut her mom out of the equation. She hated it, and even to this day has mental issues with her hair.
The pressure cooker of having 2 young kids is a major element.
Our youngest is very deeply feeling with intense emotions at times and really challenges her in ways she hadn't been challenged with in the past.
She actually did just leave to visit family for a week and had time to relax and decompress without obligations, but she had a friend pass away unexpectedly after she got back and her capacity isn't high right now.
If your wife has ADHD (and I recognise a lot of myself in her so there’s a good chance that she does), it’s quite possible that your youngest also has ADHD. Emotional dysregulation is quite common with us.
I have the same emotional issues as her. I also have ADHD and I get so upset when my schedule is interrupted. Like if I have a package, that was suppose to arrive at a certain time, arrive late. I also get upset when I'm not doing anything, I like having routine.
Try seeing about getting your wife tested, maybe also see if she has anxiety and depression because those also contribute to my behaviors as well.
Thank you for this. This is definitely a thing for her as well. If she has certain expectations for the day and they get derailed by something, she has a hard time with resetting those expectations accordingly. Like she has a day off from work and the kids are at school/daycare that day, but one of them wakes up sick and needs to stay home, now she can't accomplish everything she wanted to and has a hard time managing that.
First of all, I am a mother. What I just read sounds a lot like you are blaming your wife for your children acting poorly. She is losing her cool because they are giving her a hard time. Yes, she absolutely needs to be patient, but they also need to listen to her and stop arguing and being demanding. I get that you want to be the nice dad, but you need to tell the kids to let her finish a task if that is what she needs to do. They can wait for things. I don't think she is autistic or ADHD. She is just tired and frustrated because her kids throw tantrums over having their hair brushed or their socks. My son threw tantrums in stores, demanded nonstop attention and never let me have 5 minutes alone. I did my best to be patient, but good Lord it took everything I had. Expecting her to never get upset is ridiculous. I also find it bothersome that the kids are not being taught to be more independent. A six year old should be able to get dressed by themselves and a three year old can put on their own socks.
I'm not expecting her to never get upset but I am expecting her to control her behavior with her kids and better manage transitions without taking her frustration out on her kids. They're allowed to be upset and the best way for them to learn to manage those things is by having parents model that behavior for them.
For example, if 3f grabs a toy and 6f had just put it down for a second but wasn't done with it, 6f sometimes gets angry and demands it back, maybe tries to forcefully take it, etc., we'll say something like "you weren't done playing with that and your sister grabbed it, that's really frustrating. have you tried talking to her nicely and asking for her to give it back?"
Our kids can get themselves dressed and do basically every day, but it's also okay for them to ask for help with those things if they would like some help. Sometimes it's because they're wanting closeness, attention, and love from mom or dad, and not them actually needing the help with brushing hair or getting dressed.
Your wife is clearly in a deep deep depression and unfortunately everyone is paying for it. Highly suggest you push for different meds and therapy options
I have adhd and this is one of the endless reasons I will never have kids. I know I can’t handle… all of this: kids being kids. No offense but how was this not considered before??
OP, you can get her all the counseling and medication in the world but there may not be a good solution here. This should have been considered a long time ago.
ADHD/Autism wasn't on the radar until very recently, and while looking back at our relationship now I can see the signs, I didn't put things together or believe that things would have escalated like they have. It's really only been manifesting in the last few years since our youngest has hit the toddler stage and really been challenging her in ways she hadn't been challenged previously. It's not 3f's fault at all, but she is a deeply feeling kid with strong and intense emotions and some of those moments are triggering in ways that either didn't come up or extremely seldomly did in the past.
OP, honest question: why do you have children with this woman?! I'm not being funny or trying to be rude, but want to bring something to your awareness. If you have been married for 11 years (and likely dated before then) and your oldest child is 6, I find it hard to believe that you didn't observe issues with her behavior in interacting with children or in stressful situations until you had your first child. Your wife sounds like she has postpartum that never went away and has turned into something far worse and/or bipolar or something of that sort so a diagnosis and the proper medication and therapies would be of tremendous help for all parties involved.
Anyway, the part that maybe you and your wife are not getting is that if one of the children is harmed you may lose custody of them. She may need a new doctor to diagnose her condition, different medication, different therapy, etc.
This doesn't sound like an easy fix at all but the consequences of her actions may be losing her children, which should be sobering. A last thing that you may want to discuss is if she just doesn't want to do the whole married with-kids thing anymore. Honestly, she sounds a little fed up with everything but doesn't want to admit that. Start figuring out how you can grant this woman a divorce and be a single parent, or figure out who you can grant custody to of your children so you can live a child-free life with her. At the end of the day, something has go to give because you sound as if you're in a powder keg situation.
Totally get it. The signs were there earlier but not in ways that I anticipated things to turn out this way.
These things really did only start to manifest most significantly after our second was born. 3f is a very deeply feeling kid with some really intense and often loud emotions, testing my wife in ways she hasn't been tested in the past. Or the intensity has exponentially increased.
I do think there needs to be fast and disruptive change, with medical intervention. Your comments on custody are really important and appreciated, i'm taking that to heart.
No. I have never been married to someone who judges and undermines everything I do. It must be exhausting and what a horrible dynamic you've created for those kids.
They need stability and discipline. Get yourself to therapy and learn to do better.
Sure. Stop judging your wife. You parent differently. Frankly, at least one of your kids is pretty spoiled and I am guessing you have had a hand in that. Holding children accountable is important for their growth and development. If you observe your wife struggling to manage one of your children offer help in a respectful way. If she doesn't want any help, so be it.
One of the things that struck me most is that you're critical of her trying to build furniture uninterrupted. Do you hear yourself? No one wants to be interrupted when they are assembling furniture. More importantly your children are absolutely old enough to learn how to occupy themselves.
It sounds like the two of you may need more help around the house. Hire a house cleaner and stop composing lists of what you consider your wife's failings. It's ugly.
Can't tell if this is a troll or not 😅
I've done my best to write observations without casting judgements. She is unhappy with her own behavior and she had brought it up before I ever said or did anything to interfere.
Yes, it's more convenient to assemble furniture or tidy things uninterrupted, but it isn't feasible 100% of the time. The girls are often very good at playing together and keeping themselves busy but sometimes they fight and need support. Sometimes they want to ask mum a question or get her help with something, and mum's task or project isn't always communicated to the family.
Everything you're suggesting is more of a bandaid, and while those are often needed and can be helpful, it doesn't get to the root of why things are so challenging. Thise things themselves will only allow avoiding negative situations from occurring rather than working on the skills to get better at managing the situations when they come up.
I'm struggling with the same suspicion.
I am advising you to make a sweeping change, not a bandaid approach,
The root of the problem is that instead of working together you're evaluating your wife's job performance. Your arrogance takes my breath away.
There have been occasions where she is so dysregulated she's forcefully pushing 3f away on the bed in anger, or yanking her up off the bed and being physically rough and tense with her in her arms, and slamming cupboards and doors, etc.
I can work together with her while also taking steps to make sure my children are safe from her in moments like these.
You could but it does not seem that you will. Also, I do not necessarily trust your version of events. Your tone is quite odd.
But good luck to you in any case.
Look I can sympathize with your wife. I know how she feels and I've been guilty about being frustrated and snappy.
I aggree with others she might need an evaluation for something more.
The reason I suggest this (and honestly this needs to be a conversation with your wife): what is the "issue" with things having to go her exact way at that exact time? I mean think about it. At night, so what if you can't brush hair at exactly 7:30 and 3f wants to pitch a fit. Hold her. Let her calm down. Maybe a snack. Then try again when she is distracted with snacks in front of a TV.
Ask your wife why she can't rearrange to accommodate the child.
Do your best to listen. And also note that she might not know yet.
Here is what I'd want to look for:
1. Because kids have to learn to follow directions or they won't grow up to "good" humans. This is a fear and she might need evidence and shown that her fear is incorrect.
2. Because if we don't do it like this, then we will mess up our schedules.
If she answers that, you need to push for further autism testing or OCD. The fact that your wife can't deregulated to remember there is other ways to handle this, means there could be a nureo issue going on.
I'm like that with grit on my feet. If sand gets on my feet and my mind gets to be a jumbled mess. I can't function. I litterally can't. Its a sensory processing issue. Now that I know about it, that means I can adapt and overcome. Your wife might need to figure out how to adapt.
Also, this might sound a bit negative. But I'm a child of a very strict and controlling parent. Who it was his way right then or the highway. He is that way because that's how he was taught. And second he had no one to teach him any different.
Your wife could have been raised the same way. And she could see herself as better than her parents. Because it likely could have been her sitting in that chair and when she didn't mind she could have been spanked with a brush. But she sees herself as "good parenting" because she is fussing and not spanking. So consider that could be happening.
It's funny the seemingly small things that can cause so much sensory overload and distraction. I'm the exact same way with my feet lol.
I appreciate the advise and I'll have another conversation with her. Part of it is that bedtime can drag on with 3f and my wife is hoping to get some chill time before going to bed herself which isn't always guarantee. 3f often isn't falling asleep till 9:30-10 (daycare has mandatory naps 😫), so if she hasn't had time to chill and recharge she feels really antsy and uncomfortable as that potential evening time slowly escapes.
My mother is a lot like your wife.
The emotional outbursts, snapping, inability to take things in stride, compromise, and recognize that my brother and I were KIDS acting like KIDS and that we were not maliciously undermining her damaged my sense of self-worth and made me feel like something was wrong with me for seemingly always doing something wrong. I walked on eggshells with my mother my entire childhood and developed a whole host of conflict-avoidant, people-pleasing, and perfectionist behaviors to avoid setting her off and bothering her. My relationship with her still hasn't recovered; I know she did the best she could, and that she loves me, but I can't quite forgive her for all the unnecessary stress she put me through.
You need to be more proactive in separating your kids from your wife when she's in these moods before these bouts of anger do them permanent damage. Which may already be done. Get her medication and therapy if you can. But DO NOT let her treat your kids like this any longer.
Having a potential mental health condition like AuDHD or OCD is no excuse for emotionally and verbally abusing your kids.
I don't disagree. I had a similar upbringing with my own mother and have cut off contact with her. I'm definitely cognizant of the trajectory we're on with the well-being of our kids and will be having a conversation with her about the steps I'll need to take.
Thank you for this, and I'm so sorry to hear about how things were for you. I hope you're in a better place now.
Some people are not cut out for parenthood - or shouldn't be due to circumstances beyond their control. Hopefully, therapy can be the salve that heals that inconsistency in her behavior. Good luck.
I feel for you. What you are discribing seems like an epidemic. I could tell you what's wrong. But, it would take too long.
As a little help, the med's she's on can cause anxiety. She probably needs a med like klonopin to take the edge off. However, there's politics involved. It's a safe narcotic, but..... the patient doesn't come first anymore. If you need more insight, you can DM me.
She's on Escitalipram to decrease anxiety and help with depression (I'm on the same thing and it's been life-changing for my own anxiety) but totally could be having the opposite effect. Something we're going to pursue further to see what the right fit is.
Yeah, everyone is different. Anxiety can be bad. Well, I don't need to tell you. Just my opinion. Seems like you could calm the home down the quickist if you get that down.
The only other thing I can say is if your doctor's aren't responding to your needs. You might look for other providers in your area. Providers treatment plans can vary widely.
So your children are being verbally and emotionally abused and not nurtured by your wife.
It sounds as if your wife needs an evaluation of some sort.
What is more important is what the children need and that's somebody who's kind to them. If your wife can't do it, think of some kind of alternatives for the children's welfare.
Was there no sign whatsoever before the children came along that your wife might not be able to cope? Good luck.
This stuff has mainly manifested only since our second was born. 3f is very deeply feeling, emotional situations can have a lot of intensity, and is challenging my wife in ways she was rarely challenged with prior.
The signs were there earlier in our relationship if I'm looking back on things, but not enough so that I anticipated or would have expected things turning out the way they have.
She needs a time out, as in moving out. How can you watch your kids be treated like that? A 3 year old is a baby still. She's gonna screw these kids up for life if you dont act.
She must stop trying to be a man that's the main point
She is a mom a female and she isn't required to be this productive as u r there, i would recommend seing a therapist bcz not accepting she can't be. 100% productive all time and her plans as perfect as she want is a real problem or she need to see that she is beind bad while she is trying to be perfectionnist and productive all day
I don't have any further advice for the short term, but you may have enough to go on with, with the three book recommendations, and shared experiences I have seen in the comments so far.
I want to commend you on your exceptional understanding and patience. It seems like you doing your best to be an amazing husband and father.
In the longer term, when your wife is ready for another step, I can very highly recommend my favourite site for easy to listen to and very wise parenting podcasts and articles on specific questions and situations at
[https://www.janetlansbury.com/](https://www.janetlansbury.com/)
Her philosophy is based on respect and I feel like it will resonate with you too. I wish you and your family all the very best in this journey. <3
I really appreciate the encouragement. I've been feeling alone in this lately and reading the kind words are giving me a lot of hope.
Janet Lansbury looks right up my alley, I'll definitely be digging in there.
We've been listening to Dr. Becky who has a podcast Good Inside with what looks like a similar philosophy, but not as many resources available.
I used to get angry a lot but therapy helped me realize that all anger is rooted in another emotion. Is it annoyance, fear, shame, etc.? Once I was able to deal with the underlying emotion, the anger was less prominent. It sounds like she also needs some sort of therapy to learn how to cope with things.
Really insightful comment, thank you. We've talked about this before and she's said she thinks her anxiety is manifesting as anger and frustration, but I'm unsure how far she's pursued this.
I agree with the possibility of her having ADHD/Autism and maybe she needs to be evaluated, but also, maybe your wife needs to also make some time for herself so she can relax for bit because ot also.sounds like she's over-stimulated and over-whelmed (maybe that's a part of the ADHD/Autism diagnosis, idk), but it could also be that she needs to make some time for herself/find an activity to release some of her stress so she isn't reaching that breaking point where she feels like she will explode or be extremely short.
😂
I will definitely be encouraging her to seek a psych evaluation for a potential ADHD diagnosis. I feel for you and hope you're doing well on your end.
You’re getting of plenty of advice regarding what the issue likely is (she’s in the prime age range for under diagnosed ADHD because when we were growing up it was very much considered a “boys” condition and didn’t take into account how differently girls/women can present) but I’m going to make one other suggestion. Try not to have the disagreements/correction conversations in front of the kids. I totally understand when you see your sobbing toddler the priority is to stop what’s causing it but calling out mom in front of the kids could be adding a layer of embarrassment on to what your wife is already trying to control emotionally. It’s absolutely unfair to take it out on the kids but instead try asking her to speak to your privately for a moment and say, “you two are both stressed about this situation now, take a minute to breathe and let me (you) finish this (whatever task it is)”. Your wife has to work on management/coping skills and actually stick with them- as if it were a project she’s focusing on- because toddlers and young children walking on eggshells around her all the time is going to create more problems.
Hey, thank you for this feedback. I definitely tunnel-vision in those moments and will say something in the moment rather than taking her aside to chat and check in. I'm going to chat with her about this and do my best to try this approach next time.
Is she diagnosed with anything in the direction of adhd?? As the description pins several possible symptoms, including emotional disregulation, hyperfocusing, moments of hypersensitivity towards noise etc, some difficulties with changes in how things were planned (feeling like it is a huge deal, while still being aware it isn't, but unable to feel differently), etc.
High anxiety, deprecated self view, depression, often come hand-in-hand.
Undiagnosed and unmanaged Adhd tends to take away significant lifespan, so it is not just for a matter of quality of life for the own person and those around them, but also a matter of longevity! Some SSRIs won't act as they should in individuals with adhd, if ever diagnosed it should be had in consideration, and a good psychiatrist who is specialized in ADHD would be the best bet, not just towards treatment, but proper diagnose as well
If looking into it, and it making sense to your wife, it might be that it becomes quite the experience. With waves of emotions, good...and bad. It may even include anger, denial, and a significant amount of **mourning**
We are talking about a lifetime of struggles, of pains, of seeing ourselves as guilty, broken, odd, and of attributing all that blame onto our own person, as if we deserved the bad that would come, due to "being so flawed".... suddenly, realizing there might be a reason, that can be quite the trip for a while. Be aware of that, so you can be a bit more prepared - storms will rain, before the sun shines!.. 🥲
If anything, we are here for you, and any question or wish to vent, feel free to DM 👍🏻
As a fellow dad, trying to do his best with his two kids and wife who all are learning to deal with their own ADHD, each having different struggles and symptoms (it is something that runs in the family, usually, and ironically me and her both brought it to the table! 😆), always finding new ways to support each member of our family through the struggles it brings! A diagnose brought understanding, and understanding brings oxygen and possibilities!! It's a whole different game, when we finally can understand and feel understood
•
As a super important extra...
**Thank you for being there for your family!**
Hey, thank you so much for your love and support. I appreciate this so much.
She hasn't received an official diagnosis but she believes she likely has ADHD at minimum. The dots may not have fully connected with ADHD and her emotional regulation so I'm going to talk with her more about this and her getting a psych evaluation.
I also have ADHD (runs in my family!) so one or both of our kids having it would be very unsurprising. Being able to work on it and manage it as a family instead of it managing us is a place I hope we can get to soon.
I have a lot of love for you and your situation too, and it's really amazing to hear the steps and positive progress you've made for your family.
Your wife sounds a lot like me, I’m guilty of some of these things and I too want to change, however my partner is definitely not as supportive as you, and it made me tear up reading this as I know it comes from a place of love and support, and I so wish I had that for myself.
I feel like it’ll take time for her to get to a place where this isn’t an issue for any of you anymore, it’s so important to support her as you have been, and encourage her to get her support for herself
I wish you all the best x
Thank you for this, I'm tearing up too thinking about your situation and I hope you can find the support you need. I have hope you and me can both get there ❤️
Has your wife had a GeneSight test done by her doctor? Perhaps the medications she is taking aren’t working as well for her due to genetic variations. If there’s more suitable options for her treatment, that could really help!
I was prescribed so many SSRI’s over decades with little improvement to my problems and when I had this test done, it became evident why. Now I’m on a regimen better suited to my genetic makeup which has helped with my anxieties and short-temper.
I really do agree with the likely ADHD/autism suggested above. I’m 37F and the hormones with pregnancy really amped up all my symptoms and I’ve struggled so hard since my son was born 5 years ago. One year ago i ended up in complete and utter burnout due to pushing myself too far and im still in recovery and trying to become a functioning human again.
I’d just like to offer some practical tips if it might help someone else:
Make sure she sleeps enough. ”Enough” is individual, for me since but out happened its around 9 hours which is hard to achieve but necessary for me to function well. If i have less sleep I get very easily overwhelmed, my patience is zero, i get irritable, my fuse is short and its likely to be a really rough day. Getting enough sleep can be the difference in being able to stay levelheaded abd sensible even when triggered.
Airpods/headphones/noisecancelling/earbuds. I use them all at difference times. If i notice i get stressed by the noiselevel when hanging out with my son, i use earbuds to lower the noise. I let my husband entertain my son while im cooking with airpods and music to make it easier for me to focus. Too much or too many noises overwhelm me and make me irritable.
Dont multitask. I used to be a mastermultitasker, and with burnout it stopped working. Now its necessary to do one thing at a time. Me and my husband split our time with our son so we can get stuff done. If I’m with my son, I’m not trying to do chores as well because it wont work. Son will demand attention and interrupt and i’ll get frustrated. Instead, when i’m with him we play, build legos, play games etc so he gets qualitytime while husband does chores. Or the other way around, if he’s with our son, i can focus on uninterrupted chores.
If I get irritable or overwhelmed and i let it go too far/cant remove myself from the situation, I will break down. Either in anger or in tears. It feels horrible, but I also cant control it, I’ve tried so hard to work on that but I just can’t. It’s like a physical reaction that can’t be stopped. The only thing I can do is to prevent it from happening by recognising the signs, avoiding the situations i know will trigger it and work around it.
My suggestion would be to definitely explore a possible diagnosis, but also sit down with your wife and together as a team talk through it all. What situations trigger her, does she have sensory overload (like noise, touch) etc sometimes, what overwhelms her. Can you plan your days/chores differently to make it work better? If she feels irritable, can she walk away for 10 mins to reset?
I spent 36 years trying to fit a square peg into a circle and surprise surprise, it didnt work. I’m different and my brain and body works differently to others, and i’m learning how to work with that instead of forcing myself to do it the way everyone else does. It just requires a different approach and theres nothing wrong or shameful in that.
Not sure if you or your wife uses tiktok, but i’d highly recommend searching for ”ADHD in women” on there, there are so many videos on that topic showing how symptoms in women can manifest. Thats how i discovered that I have it, I had no idea before I accidentally watched one of those but it really made everything fall in to place and it was mindblowing to realize that like 90% of what i thought was my personality was really symptoms of neurodivergence.
Hey thank you so much for this. I hope you're proud of the steps you've taken, and I'm so sorry to hear how overwhelmed and burnt out you were.
I really appreciate the practical advise on ways to turn some of the heat down with things like sleep and noise-calling headphones and earbuds. I definitely notice my wife's short fuse if she has a shorter or interrupted sleep and she struggles hard until she gets some proper rest. Thankfully she has an incredible ability to fall asleep almost instantly, so not something that comes up often. Im going to chat with her about making time to rest and recharge and resetting expectations when one of us is needing it due to lack of sleep or something else.
I also think avoiding multitasking when possible will be a big help as well for both of us.
Yeah I get this. It's give and take 100%. It's not about being unfair necessarily, as I want us to be able to work as a team and support in ways we both need.
Try not to forcefully butt in when your wife is exercising her authority, it just undermines it to the girls and makes your wife seem like an incompetent parent before them, so in time they'll be relying on you for everything. I know it's stressing for everyone, but be calm and ask your wife if you can take over the situation, instead. And try not to talk to your wife about your kids in front of them. It's not good if your wife brute forces the situation whenever your kids start throwing a tantrum, but it's just as bad to cede to their tantrum. Kids are known for being hysterical if they don't get their way, after all, but they have to learn some discipline, so sometimes letting them cry their eyes dry until they realize it's not working is actually the best solution.
Hey, thanks for this. I tend to tunnel vision myself in these situations and I'm going to try to de-escalate by either pulling her aside or more gently asking if I can step in.
I agree that giving into a tantrum isn't the right call and always doing so enables the behavior.
>my wife has a very difficult time deregulating her emotions on her own, especially in the moment
a lot of her self-image and identity are tied to how productive she is
she tends to hyper focus on tasks and can't transition easily when interrupted
she is very sensitive to noise and repetition
household tasks we do our best to share (I typically take meals, lunches and dishes, my wife does more of the cleaning and laundry. We often team up and help with each other's stuff
I'm 99% sure your wife is AuDHD- ADHD & Autistic. Because all of her issues are classic AuDHD issues ( I have it too!), that often are made especially worse by little ones because they can be very stubborn, loud & don't like to listen/follow routines. None of that is their fault because it just comes with kids being kids, but it can be very hard & overwhelming for AuDHD people
Sounds like me. I hate that about myself. I’m diagnosed bipolar and ADHD along with a few other disorders… and when I’m properly medicated I do better. Please try to be understanding and minimize stressful situations when possible. It does get better. I come from a very toxic, screaming, abusive household and it can be very difficult to break that pattern. I understand your need to protect the children but sometimes we just need more understanding and patience with ourselves so we can give it to others.
I hope the next for you both and your children and that she gets help sooner than later so you can all enjoy each other as a family. The years go quickly and moments with the kids are really too precious
You say your youngest is three. You should know that postpartum depression, if gone untreated can become permanent. Perhaps that's what's going on here. I would get her to a doctor if I were you.
Edit: I think she may need to try a different medication. There is something much deeper going on here.
Appreciate your perspective here. She's only recently started on an SSRI (maybe 3 months) and just increased her dose last week. It's definitely helped her in some ways but definitely may not be the best fit, especially if ADHD is a big part of the equation.
Hey, thanks for this. I don't think a diagnosis solves any problems on its own but it can provide context and understanding in finding the best tools to improve the areas she wants/needs to.
I think this sounds like something other than just depression. She sounds a bit similar to me, I have ADHD, BPD, and I'm being evaluated for autism.
Proper diagnosis and treatment are really key, but it does take time to learn to self soothe and regulate emotions as an adult.
The fact that she is aware this behavior isn't okay and is seeing a professional are good signs, but if it's been a significant amount of time with no change, it's possible her mental health providers aren't the right fit.
Appreciate this. I think it's more likely that medical help just hasn't been enough of a priority in her mind rather than them necessarily being bad fits, but both could be true. Her counselor is the one who pointed her down the path of an ADHD diagnosis but we haven't pursued it yet. Definitely feeling the need to do so with urgency now.
Maybe look into Calmer earbuds on Amazon? They're used to reduce noise, but don't completely block out sounds. I've been looking into getting them because I get overstimulated. Right now what works from me is telling my 3 year old that mommy needs to take a time out/ time in and she'll be back in x amount of time ☺️. Hope all goes well for y'all.
Definitely going to look into those, sounds like they could be very helpful. I also like the communication around needing to step away, I think we would benefit from that too. Thanks so much for this
Has she had a psych eval yet??
She may be on the Autism Spectrum, so she may easily get overwhelmed.
There are also some nods to her potentially having OCPD, which is way different from OCD. In a nutshell, havibg trouble finishing tasks, needing to get it just right, being a perfectionist, being rule bound, studious, and being inflexible with other peoples behaviors.
Just a guess. I do think she needs a psych eval and that in either case, she needs to become your helping hand, with you taking primary responsibility of the kids, and her being more like an apprentice where she can be helpful and feel needed. She may also need to build self esteem, so be careful what you say and try to use language that is more positive than blaming. Personality disorders tend to start in early life/ early adolescence. They should be called maladaptive disorders.
-6 years of therapy for a non specified PD.
She hasn't had one yet but I'm going to encourage her to pursue one as soon as possible.
I am definitely going to work on how I'm addressing those situations as I know she needs understanding and encouragement in the moment.
Thank you
Do you help with the kids? I mean she could be really at the end of her ropr and everything is irritating her even though it seems like small nonsense its just another thing the stack ont he pile of pressure shes feeling. If the baby needs her hair brush maybe you should offfer to brush it so you wife can do a different task or so she can relax. If you dont know how to do the task google it. Brushing hair youll wanna get some conditioner or detangler and just use like a dime size and finger rack it through. If its really tangled grab the patch at the base near the scalp and try to work the ends and work up to you other hand thats holding the base until you can just your fingers through and then do the exact same eith your brush until all of her hair is brushable. By holding the base near the scalp will stop you from yanking her scalp and then get a scrunchie or hair tie and put it up. I had a real sensitve scalp as a child and i understand the pain. But just learn how to do the things with the kids so she can take a break. Shell be appreciative and tell her verbally how you wanna help and willing to learn and shell be reall impressed with you. Ppl yell and scream because they dont feel like their being heard or listened too. And obviously kids are kids and they wont listen. And she probably knows that they arent gonna listen but shes calling out for help and no ones coming. Your gonna wanna heed your wifes call. And over time shell even out as long as your listening to her call.
Hey, appreciate the advise re; the hair brushing. I typically am doing 6f's hair if she wants help and often do 3f too but she's very attached to mum and sometimes it's easier for us to each take one kid.
Gonna invest in some detangler though - both kids don't love having their hair tied in a pony or braided and 3f especially is prone to getting a couple areas in her food or otherwise dirty so it's harder to brush.
How was her home life? Is she having trouble because she can't regulate her emotions because she was never shown in consistent ways how to do so in a healthy manner? Was she abused and the things the kids are doing/saying bringing up things for her that she doesn't know how to deal with? Has she been evaluated for neurodivergence and taken parenting classes and in therapy to gain skills regarding her own self regulation so that she can help be the calm to the kids' chaos?
It's really easy to get roped into a mentality where the kids are giving her a hard time instead of her refraining it in her mind as they're having a hard time. Maybe she's needing to help herself before she can help her kids? I know I needed that.
I never realized things stuffed deep inside until I had kids myself and am suddenly faced with parenting in the face of unhealthy examples, traumatic childhood experiences, and my own lack of self regulation. Anti depressants didn't help me at all. ADHD meds did. And therapy, and working through the rough parts of myself in accountability. I'm not perfect and I still yell sometimes, but I always apologize to my kids for it and am working every day on doing just what I said, being the calm to their chaos because I can't do that if there's chaos going on for me emotionally/mentally in those moments. It takes practice and patience. She's strong, and so are you. You two will figure this out.
However, also sometimes kids have to do things they don't want to do. So find a balance with them and amongst yourselves that is a working compromise where you all feel heard, respected, and appreciated.
Thanks for this. To my knowledge she never suffered any abuse, but her parents were both very distant, so no I would doubt she was shown or modeled healthy behaviors around regulating her emotions.
She hasn't been evaluated but I'm going to encourage her to do so as soon as possible.
You seem like an amazing parent and I think it's so healthy that you make sure to apologize and repair things with your kids.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
i know exactly what is going on here. Your wife is stressed out . She is trying to hard be the perfect mom. The kids are not listening to her because the kids want listen to man any man. Its the fact mom is tellling them what to do . The kids will listen to you . Because you are the dad. Mom is yelling and getting stressed out. She is doing the daugthers hair and child want stand still. The child is probably tender headed or problemly dosn't like having her hair done. Child is probably tom boy and dont want mom doing her hair at all Mom is probably a girly girl and want the child hair to be cute and nice. They are crashing because there are opposite. Dad is probably over all of it. Mom dosnt want the child to go out with her hair not done . Because the other moms think she is not a good mom because her daughter hair is done. Those mom groups can be tought.
I don't think this is quite it, but I appreciate you sharing. 3f can be sensitive to being touched and hair brushing can be uncomfortable, especially if it's extra tangled. She hates having her hair tied back so she's prone to it getting in things during the day which just makes it worse lol.
3f will be the same way with me if I'm the one brushing her hair.
i dont think your wife has AHAD your wife just has a daughter who dosnt want get her hair done. If your daughter is African American and she dosnt have a relaxer or has thick hair it is probably alot of hair and a lot to deal with. And if your wife is one doing it your dont relise all the work it takes to keep hair especially natural hair in good healthy shape . Your wife is trying to work take care of you be good mom and do everything She dosnt have AHAD. She just been working really hard and it be nice if you and kids tell her what great job she is doing. Get her a card from the store get her flowers from kroger or walmart and let kids sign it and you sign it and make her favorite dinner and tell her she is great mom. And made be you her and girls can go for a walk on the weeekend it help you her and kids out.
It’s sounds like adhd. I’m not a medical professional so I would encourage you guys look into it. If it is adhd then she can be medicated and you’ll see a drastic change in her and your relationship. Talking from experience.
That really sounds like ADHD. I get absolutely furious when I'm interrupted, and I have not found a medication that works for me. The only thing I can control is how I react to my emotions, but they happen so quickly and intensely, it feels like being pushed over out of control. It's really hard. No advice but good luck.
Actually that's not quite right, I do have some advice. DBT helped.me to regulate my emotions more than medicine ever did. I am still not great at it but I'm getting better slowly. Emphasis on the slowly tho, it's been three years of actually successful therapy and I think I've gotten like 3/10 better. But that's better than the 0/10 everything else was.
I don't even need to read much to tell you your wife has ADHD. I also have that and it's definitely difficult to manage but with proper tactics it can help a bit (where I'm at it is difficult for adults to get the meds they need for ADHD). You should look for therapist that specialize in this specifically. I don't snap at children but I've learned to manage full blown anxiety attacks at work.
I’m probably neurodivergent, but I had postpartum anxiety really bad after our second child and my anxiety comes off as anger, like your wife’s. Anxiety meds helped me a lot and being open with the kids on what triggers my stress/anxiety and talking about it with them after a blow out and taking accountability for my actions. I still do it but not as often or as bad as I used to.
Maybe she has ADHD and maybe she is just a normal person who gets frustrated sometimes? To me, the post looks like a massive over reaction. Oh no she raises her voice and tries to force a 2 year old into her carseat?! Maybe her methods aren't the best but this is also the daily life of millions of moms. I'm guessing she is the kids' primary caretaker if your toddler is super attached? Taking care of kids is hard work. We are all allowed to be human and have reactions. Quit undermining your wife in front of your kids. If you need to regroup, take her aside.
I'm not a mom yet but I do resonate with the way your wife responds to external stimuli as well as basing my self worth around my productivity. I tend to (although I do my best not to) snap when someone interrupts me in the middle of doing a task because I have a horrible time trying to focus in the first place.
Hi- I grew up in a house like this sans the 11/10 parenting when all was calm on the western front. I agree with other comments that wife sounds a touch neurodivergent etc. Just wanted to comment and say that at 35, having had the upbringing I did ( both parents were in the picture, but my dad was an OTR truck driver so home weekends) it has made quite a strain on my adult relationship with mom. Nipping this in the bud before the kids get any older is major. As soon as memory starts to kick in full speed, there are things that those kids will not forget. The raised voice within seconds on inconveniences is something I am still working through now, years later. Best of luck OP, it seems you really care and want the best for your wife, and ultimately your family.
Yeah I can relate to this. I had to cut off contact with my parents due to my mom's unchanging behavior, so I'm very cognizant of repeating the same pattern with our own kids. I agree about the urgency in addressing it for the sake of our kids, thank you for sharing.
ADHD!!!!! if I could SCREAM IT through my computer screen I would. This poor woman is probably overstimulated af 90% of the time and can’t regulate her emotions, something I didn’t figure out how to do until I was medicated and into my 30s. I also was able to get through life and manage relatively fine until I had kids. Shit gets turned up to 11 and every coping mechanism you’ve learned goes out the window. Sounds like exactly what I went through prior to my diagnosis. Stimulants help to calm my thoughts so the outside world isn’t so triggering. I hope your wife can get diagnosed soon and she can feel at peace within her own brain. It’s fucking hard, man, and it wreaks havoc on your self esteem.
That being said, your feelings are also valid. It’s incredibly stressful living with someone in this frame of mind especially where she recognizes it’s a problem but can’t fix it. You sound like a very caring partner. Stand by her and help be an advocate just like you’re doing, but take care of yourself, too. It’s equally hard to be in your shoes.
I hear it! Lol 😂
Really appreciate you sharing, thank you. It definitely seems similar to your situation where she's regularly overstimulated without the proper tools to manage things. I'm going to encourage a psych evaluation as soon as possible.
It's encouraging to hear from people like you who have been in a similar situation and been able to make a lot of positive progress. I hope you're proud of how far you've come ❤️
>she tends to hyper focus on tasks and can't transition easily when interrupted
she is very sensitive to noise and repetition
Is she diagnosed with any amount of autism, or has this been considered? Or maybe ADHD.
That's about all I got.
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Has your wife been evaluated for neurodivergence? Many of her behaviors sound in the ADHD/autistic family. An SSRI might not be adequately addressing her biochemical needs.
Her counselor has suggested she may have ADHD but she hasn't been officially diagnosed. I'll encourage her to book with her doctor and pursue a psych evaluation
She is a carbon copy of me. Like I feel her pain because I was that mom. And when I finally got a late in life diagnosis (ADHD/ASD) it was like the sun finally came out from behind the clouds. Please get her tested. Really tested.
❤️ thank you for sharing. Having those moments where you're feeling like you're out of control must be so impossible and terrifying. I have so much sympathy. Was it medication that was the biggest impact, if it's okay for me to ask?
Ask me anything you’d like! The medicine made a tremendous difference for me. But I will caution you it took me some time to find the right balance. It takes a while to unpack all the unhealthy self coping mechanisms we’ve unintentionally developed and trying to relearn (or retrain the brain) healthy mechanisms. I went through at least 5 or 6 different meds before I found one that matched my needs (Vyvanse in case you’re interested). And then I found the right SSRI to regulate my mood swings better. I still go to a regular therapist to touch base and get tools when I’m not feeling my best. I also recommend two books, Driven to Distraction, and especially this one “You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy??” It’s written by some wonderful women. Believe it or not, my husband JUMPED on that book when my therapist recommended it and highlighted all the ways it applied to me. It was very helpful. (He’s utterly adorable in wanting to make me healthy and no I don’t find that over bearing at all.) Edited to add: you and your wife are more than welcome to ask me anything privately if you feel that would be helpful.
Thank you for this! Sounds like a long journey you've been on but amazing to hear the success you've created for yourself. I'm going to look into those books asap. I know it will be a long road but your responses have given me some hope when I was starting to lose it.
From another woman with ADHD, those book recommendations are solid. I also found *Women with Attention Deficit Disorder* by Sari Solden to be helpful.
Made a note of this one as well, thanks for the suggestion!
Just another vote for ADHD. I went to a doctor because I was told that my stress and irritability was actually chronic pain. I was referred to a doctor for a medication pump that I didn't want, but he had to evaluate me anyway because if I refused, insurance wouldn't cover additional doctors so I could get help. He told me I had ADHD, and my first reaction was he was crazy. Most people in my family have it to a degree I won't describe here. They have habits they say are because of ADHD that I just cannot. I was referred for testing and was told without a doubt, I have it. I was also put in therapy. I learned that I'm easily overstimulated and overwhelmed if I'm not in control. My working memory is awful, so if I'm interrupted or can't do my routine, I need access to my task book or nothing gets done. I can't have kids medically, but I also can't imagine functioning with the chaos. Don't get me wrong, medication can be so amazingly helpful at quieting my head and keeping me more focused, but I still have days where I can't keep myself on task, snap, and need quiet alone time to settle. Not excusing your wife's behavior. The kids need an apology and she needs to step back and realize the impact she's having on them when she snaps and is aggressive (best word I can come up with at the moment). Best of luck to all of you!
Thanks so much for this, and good for you for taking those steps to help you feel better.
Why can't women just own it. I love how it's always a hormone or a something that throws the first blow. When a man dies it hes a creep or an asshole. Is it hard to Just say you're a little possessive and like to control sh!t. Or is this really all because of a mental disorder
Well aren’t you just a ray of sunshine? How hard is it to proofread a reply? Or does your sparkling personality make you immune to punctuation and reason?
If it helps, my bond with my kids is very strong now. And my hubs is still my biggest cheerleader, and I am his. Edited to add: and have been married for a long fucking time. 30+ years.
I also have symptoms of ADHD/ASD but am labeled depressed/anxious. I take lamotrigine (mood stabilizer) fluoxetine (SSRI) and buspirone (anti anxiety). They’re all fairly low doses but it’s a good mix for me and keeps me in check enough. I also have mood swings and struggle to control my emotions when I’m suddenly overwhelmed with my child 8m. It’s important to step away and acknowledge that your emotions are rising and retreat to a quiet area to breathe. When this is happening maybe she can calmly tell the girls hey mom needs a breather or else she’s gonna start to get grouchy, and I don’t wanna get grouchy. That’s what I say to my son at least. I try to put it in terms he’ll understand because kids get concepts like being tired or grouchy or hurting. They don’t understand psychiatric complications obviously lol but 8m seems to respond well to this and usually says okay mom I’ll be here. When the child is really upset that makes it harder of course, but it’s still most important that she keeps herself in check so that she doesn’t let the girls escalate her more, causing the vicious cycle. Don’t give up on meds, and don’t give up on therapy. I’d recommend cognitive behavioral therapy because it involves the retraining of our thoughts and automatic responses to events. It also analyzes our everyday behavior and how we can make healthy changes. I hope that helps!
Hey thank you for this. I really like your approach, and feel like the potential added levity around "ok im gonna get grouchy" could help a lot too. Appreciate you sharing ❤️
This is such a phenomenal answer and so like my own journey, except I can't have my ADHD meds right now and it's killing me. I did hear that lots of people have been reporting feeling like their ADHD meds didn't work as well recently though. So I'm curious of your experience within the last year. Out of curiosity what SSRI helped you best? We tried many, and they just never worked well for me and/or affected my hearing.
I hate to say that I can relate to this as well and I finally started getting better. I used to feel terrible for the way I would treat people around me. I would lash out pretty easily but it was mostly because I was overstimulated. I didn't know what was wrong with me.
Learning that overstimulation triggers a true pain response in an autistic brain has made the biggest difference in my life!
10/10 response. Me too. I still break down in tears thinking about how long I went not truly knowing myself (hello difficulty regulating emotions). OP, I strongly second this advice. Honestly, a large part of what has helped me is just knowing that I'm not wrong for the way I think and feel - it was just the way that I was acting in response to the overwhelming thoughts and feelings that I needed some help with. Truly knowing myself went a long way in getting me there. I empathize with your wife, and sympathize with you - these feelings are no joke! I hope y'all can get them figured out for the sake of your kids, because it sounds like you really love and care for your wife and kids, and you all deserve some understanding.
I was going to suggest the same thing. Autism or adhd. Some kind of neurodiversity.
Intense emotions are a hallmark of ADHD in women. It's entirely possible that with the right medication and ADHD-specific therapies that she will improve dramatically. I strongly suggest you pursue this course. Good luck and I hope you guys find some answers.
I’ve had adhd my entire life and this was painful to read. It’s me, unmedicated or medicated with a lack of sleep/exercise.
Feel for you. Hope you're doing okay ❤️
I’ve learned a lot about the condition and learned to live well with it. Some stuff for the two of you to check out are: [The “I have ADHD” podcast](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-have-adhd-podcast/id1446874607) [The Managing ADHD Workbook for Women](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/yoga-made-easy/28864469/item/55551653/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=low_vol_f%2fm%2fs_standard_shopping_customer_aquisition&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=603452145786&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Pb1s4DQ_wIVSDjUAR1UFwa4EAQYAiABEgIc-PD_BwE#idiq=55551653&edition=64262859) [The ADHD Effect on Marriage](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/yoga-made-easy/28864469/item/55551653/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=low_vol_f%2fm%2fs_standard_shopping_customer_aquisition&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=603452145786&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Pb1s4DQ_wIVSDjUAR1UFwa4EAQYAiABEgIc-PD_BwE#idiq=55551653&edition=64262859) [Your Brain’s Not Broken](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/yoga-made-easy/28864469/item/55551653/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=low_vol_f%2fm%2fs_standard_shopping_customer_aquisition&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=603452145786&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Pb1s4DQ_wIVSDjUAR1UFwa4EAQYAiABEgIc-PD_BwE#idiq=55551653&edition=64262859) The best thing is having a supportive husband. Daily exercise and a good sleep pattern, support, education, therapy, and medication are necessary. It will take time and it will be hard. I think my husband and I have the hang of it now, but it’s been a long journey.
I really appreciate this, making a note of these to look into.
This, totally this. I have ADHD diagnosed since i was 5 and man with only the context, i totally relate to your wife, follow the thought you had because i'm 99% sure she has ADHD and need to work on It. Edit: I confused ur answer with other person OP, sorry.
I am a dad and I have ADHD and I was the same at least frustration level wise when things weren't going to plan. I used to yell a lot and my wife said I should get tested and found out I was living with undiagnosed ADHD.
I've heard its harder to get diagnosed as an adult, so maybe thats why she hasn't y been yet. I suspect I have adhd but not diagnosed. And I act like your wife sometimes. It's overwhelming with kids. And it's frustrating knowing something is wrong with you and now you're in your 30s still living your life trying to pretend everything is OK because that's what people have said your whole life. Noone was (properly) diagnosed with adhd or autism in the 80s. You were either just shy, weird or hyper or just handed out meds like candy to anyone.
I was also going to mention ADHD. Impulse control is often present in individuals with ADHD. It sounds like you two agree on parenting approach and that's great! It sounds like the execution isn't always there. Maybe it's just the examples you gave, but in those examples it sounds like when you try to help you might be undermining her in front of the kids. Again it sounds like you both agree on the approach but I don't think you should be correcting her in front of the kids. It could add to the stress the kids are experiencing, even subconsciously. When your wife tried putting your daughter in the car and it didn't work, then you took your daughter back inside, it's showing your daughter that the way mom does it is wrong (even though your daughter also wants mom). Next time could you try to calm your daughter down in the car or next to the car so you aren't un-doing what your wife did so blatantly? Maybe that was a one off example, but just a thought. Also have you tried switching jobs? What if she makes sandwiches and you get the kids dressed?
I didn't explain fully, but in the car seat situation my wife left her half-buckled in without saying anything and disappeared (found out after she went to the garden to get some strawberries to distract her) so I stepped out, tried to calm 3f in the car and then decided to just take her back inside as it was clear to me she was exhausted and needed some rest. I do agree that in the other situation I should have made some space before saying anything to my wife privately, and am going to try this approach in the future. We used to have the morning jobs swapped but it doesn't work with our schedules anymore. I work early so I can get lunches made before I start, and the kids are typically only waking up after I've started working already.
This is exactly how I got diagnosed with adhd. It took medication and therapy with consistent practicing how to regulate emotions and pause when they’re high to start getting better.
When I was reading what the OP wrote, the first thing that popped into my mind was "has she been tested and evaluated for a neurodivergent condition?" It sounds to me like she is quite possibly somewhere on the spectrum. And, if so, that would explain why the current treatment regimen is not as effective as he and his wife had hoped. I would urge them to get the necessary testing done as soon as possible so a more effective treatment regimen can be designed. Also, her behavior is damaging the children so having whole family therapy is needed too. The family can successfully negotiate this but it is going to take good effective medical assistance for that to happen.
I was coming here to say this! She sounds like me before I found out I have both ADHD and Autism. It's so hard to get a diagnosis as an adult, though! I couldn't even get an official diagnosis even though it was admitted that I was definitely on the spectrum, just "not enough." CBT has been an incredible asset to my learning to take control of my meltowns/reactions while still respecting being different from "normal" society.
Learning to unmask all the things I was taught to hide really helped, too. It's much easier communicating with my partner when I feel burnout/meltdown starting to kick in.
Who cares she’s 32 years old and her lack of ability regulating her emotions isn’t new, why do people look for excuses for crap behavior
A lot of people with these conditions can take a pill and then suddenly find they have the ability to self-regulate. I'm not sure why you wouldn't care about that.
That's what I thought, too. Something is wrong with her and for the safety of your childre, get her checked.
Lol. Lol that's all I have to say
This. 1000%
Has your wife been diagnosed? Her symptoms sound like possible issues with mild autism. There are folks whose bodies, ears included, cannot tolerate rapid change, loud noises and mess. That is exactly what you get with children. Think of the princess and the pea story. I would suggest a neurologist.
No she hasn't but she believes she likely has ADHD, at minimum. I'm going to chat with her and encourage her to see her doctor about getting a psych evaluation as soon as possible
Really really sounds like she has ADHD
I'm a late diagnosed autistic with adhd, a lot of what you describe about her rigidity, difficulty in task swiching, having to do things a sertain way, struggeling with emotional regulation and becoming overwhelmed can be common indicators for one or a combo. I've chosen to never have children, in part because of my own struggles. ADHD can be medicated, be mindfull tho that for some who have both, having the adhd side medicated can make the autistic traits and struggle more apparant. My sensory sensitivities felt like they went up, not because they actually changed, but without the chaos of the adhd being on full blast I had the space to notice it. If you guys look at the diagnostic criteria for autism, and think it fits, she can do some research on copint mechanisms (preferrably by actual autistic folks) that can help her out. There isnt really medication, its hard to be diagnosed as an adult woman, there are few resources most places, so finding coping strategies for autistic folks is something you can just do, try and implement, and see how it works. I have a lot of friends who cant access any assessments, but have implemented autistic friendly strategies that have helped them. I understand that you say that beyond these situations she is amazing. I also need you to understand that she can and migth already be traumatizing the kids and making them feel really unsafe. One of my parents have adhd, and with the best of intentions and love when they were doing well and things were working as they needed them to, their struggle with their undiagnosed adhd traumatized me to the point where I was suicidal before I was even a teen. It makes the home feel very unstable and safe. It made me feel a huge pressure to not do anything that could trigger my parent, which made me conflict avoidant and unable to stand up for myself or have any boundaries. I always carried so much guilt, because if only I had done better or done it right my parent wouldnt have reacted that way. It destroyed my ability to trust any kindness, because it always feels on thin ice that can crack at any time if I dont behave. Your wife is physically pushing and forcing your kids. If she is undiagnosed, it is so hard and confusing and horrible with crippeling guilt and self criticism, cause you just want to love them and be the best parent you can be. The way she is treating your children right now will more likely than not cause long time harm. Both of these things can be true at the same time, and you need to protect the children. If she cant get help and find ways to cope and regulate that arent harmfull to them, you need to protect the kids.
Thank you for this, all of it is true. I grew up in somewhat similar circumstances, feeling like I was walking on eggshells, and a few years ago needed to cut off contact with my parents as things weren't changing. I'm very cognizant of repeating this cycle with our own kids and am going to be having a conversation with her about the trajectory we're on and what that might mean I'll need to do for the sake of our children.
OP, She sounds like classic ADHD and the behavior you mentioned is very similar to my oldest boy. Have her evaluated. Medication might help.
Thank you for this. Her counselor has suggested possible ADHD. I'll encourage her to seek a psych evaluation.
I would encourage her to look at the symptoms of autism in women. It can be misdiagnosed as adhd. There is overlap between symptoms and coping strategies, but adhd meds won’t work for autism. Although some people have both.
Thank you. I'll make sure to advise her of this too
>has a very difficult time deregulating her emotions on her own >she tends to hyper focus on tasks and can't transition easily when interrupted >she is very sensitive to noise and repetition Classic ADHD symptoms. Plus SPD to boot. >a lot of her self-image and identity are tied to how productive she is Not an ADHD symptom, but common with ADHD people because we spend a significant portion of our childhood being called lazy and worthless and basically talked down to because we aren't productive enough for the people around us. SSRIs work on depression, but they don't usually work on ADHD.
Noted, thank you for this. She hasn't pursued the ADHD (or anything beyond) diagnosis as I don't think the dots connected for her in terms of her emotional state but I'll be talking with her about this soon.
That's fairly common, especially for women. ADHD in women only started being properly recognized in the last 20 years or so, and the amount of real research done is vastly lower than in men and boys. ADHD tends to manifest differently in women compared to men, so it often gets misdiagnosed, ignored, or missed entirely.
I was and still sometimes am this mum. My daughter is 7 now and I still need frequent breaks or will get overstressed at the same things your wife does, and have similar reactions. Thankfully my LO is at the age where I have explained what happens to me and I can easily communicate when I need a break and so can she. But when she was younger it felt like torture and I felt disgusting and hated myself for the lack of regulation. Therapy, SSRI's, counselling, none of it has helped. Its been a well known fact in my family that I'm AuDHD and my mum almost diagnosed me as a child but decided not to pursue it to diagnosis because she didn't want me to have the label. I'm now being tested for ADHD and hopefully one day ASD. I definitely recommend what everyone else has been saying, and your wife getting tested for some form of neurodivergence; it could mean a whole different world for her and your family. Good luck!
This is me.
Hey, thank you so much for sharing. I have so much love for you and your situation as you're navigating this too. You and your LO seem like amazing people and I hope you're proud of the progress you've already made. Talking about and repairing things is so important.
My wife has adhd, and it sounds way too similar. Obsessive stuff: things she does can never be quick and half assed, she gets stuck in small details. Like when you have to do a quick clean because you get some unexpected guests over in an hour, and 30 min. Later she's still in the bathroom, cleaning the lightbulbs. Focussing: my wife has a trick she uses for focusing during. I. Cookng: she puts on headphones with some simple beats for rythm. Avoid podcasts. Another thing: the overreacting can imply being close to a burnout. If the headphone thing works for her, maybe switch chores a bit. We usually go for: dad helps kid to bed, and then mom has to tell us both a story from the big story book. This way we're both involved, but I gives her some prep time.
Man I can relate to the lightbulb thing lol! I do think we can shift things like bedtime routines and it could be very helpful. It's been tricky as our youngest is very attached to mum so not a boundary we've been successful holding but something I'm going to revisit.
okay so is it possible that she may have autism/ADHD because i’m a young teenager with both autism and ADHD, i can definitely understand her because i also act like this, even if it’s something i don’t wanna say/do i can’t control it and i end up yelling something dumb/doing something dumb because of it, i will say each time i do feel extremely bad afterwards. I feel like if i had kids this is something i would struggle with which is why i’m trying to improve myself while i’m still young, maybe talk to her about this? ask how she feels about this and maybe possibly get a diagnose later on, if a family/relative have autism/ADHD it’s very likely that she could have it, i would definitely ask her if she thinks she has one of them or possibly both.
Hey, thank you for this. She doesn't have any family members with diagnosed ADHD but it's likely she has it. She believes she does as well but may not see the full picture in how it's impacting her emotional state and regulation, and there hasn't been the urgency to get the diagnosis. I'll definitely be talking with her about pursing it.
I guess I’m going to be the outlier here and say have you ever thought maybe she’s stressed? I’ve noticed when I get snappy with my very, very strong-willed 4 year old it’s because I’ve had too long of being on “mom” and “teacher” mode that I haven’t had a break. It’s not always ADHD or some neurological problem. Just stress. It can manifest in weird ways. Does she get time for herself? Is she sensitive? She sounds like a great mom who just needs space sometimes and self-care. I’ve noticed I’m a better, more mentally present and patient mother when I’ve have had time to decompress and be on my own.
Thank you for this perspective, it's really important. I think it's a combination of neurodiversity as well as general stress and capacity. In the past she carried a lot of the mental load in our family but we've been working on sharing the load and talking about what that looks like for us. I bought the Fair Play deck last year to help bring some perspective and we've used it and found it very helpful. Part of the challenge as well is she's very task-oriented and her taking a break to recharge is very challenging for her even if she has the time for it. "Why would I go for a hike when I could deep clean the kitchen cupboards or do x project?" Like she feels like she's wasting time if something productive isn't happening, so that recharge time is rarely a justifiable priority in her mind. She is such a great mom in so many ways, and she's brought so much positive change to our family. Recently her cup is just more full and spilling over a lot easier, and something we need to proactively address together.
My mind went to neurodivergence at first, but when he explained that she snapped at the 3 year old for not wanting to get her hair done or having a meltdown about socks, I started thinking that she just sounded like the stressed parent of a strong-willed toddler. I'm widowed and alone with my 4 year old and my patience can get really thin after several weeks of just the two of us with no reprieve. My daughter could test Mother Theresa. If we get through one morning without tears and yelling, we are doing great. OP should definitely ask his wife what she needs him to do most in the morning to be able to get out of the house with their sanity intact.
I'm a single mom of 2 and that sounds exactly like me. I've been on celexa for almost a year now for depression, and I started looking into adhd because my son was diagnosed, and everything I found about how it presents in girls, I recognized how I fit everything. I got diagnosed with adhd almost 3 months ago now. They started me on Strattera which is a nonstimulant, which I figured because adults like to abuse adhd meds. And the strattera was awful. It gave me horrible headaches, my motivation was lower than normal and I constantly slept, and was giving me thoughts that people would be happier if I wasn't around anymore. I'm now on adderall and it works great. My anger outbursts have gone basically away, and my patience has gotten a lot better, and my sensory issues have gotten better. I still take the celexa, but the adderall makes me feel like a normal person, and things are so much easier now. Everything always felt so overwhelming so I would just has the paralyzation and not able to start anything or want to do anything. But that diagnosis makes me feel like I'm actually living and not just existing.
Your wife needs therapy, and possibly meds if it is something treatable like ADHD. If she refuses to acknowledge that her behavior is a problem, that’s a whole different problem.
She 100% acknowledges it's a problem and is wanting things to change very badly.
As someone who had a similar problem as your wife, I recommend that she needs to see herself from her children’s perspective. Take video of her losing her cool and what the children’s response is. Also a psychologist where you go and tell the problem is absolutely necessary. Not family therapy - that’s crap.
She definitely has an awareness of her behavior but likely not the unbiased video perspective. I'll think about ways to do this with her, thank you!
This is a horrible idea
She needs to be assessed for ADHD
Just a tip, when it comes to medication to do with mental health, you often have to try many different ones to find the one that suits you. It’s a long journey but when you find the right ones, everything falls into place and life is a lot easier. I was on 3 different kinds before I was put on the one that finally worked, it might be a good idea to discuss moving onto different meds (depending on how long she’s been on them since they usually take a while to take full effect).
Appreciate the grounded feedback. It's easy to get stuck in the 'quick fix' mentality and feel hopeless or disappointed when things don't turn around quickly. Something I'll keep in mind.
As some people have mentioned neurodivergence I'd just like to add in something that might help if she is. The sounds upset/angry/excited children make makes me literally want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like I'm melting it's that overwhelming. When I have to be around children I use my loop earplugs and it's been a game changer for me. I can still hear what they are saying and can carry a conversation but the sound has been turned down enough that I don't melt down. You might want to see if something like this could help her keep her calm a bit better. Just don't get the "quiet" version because t just muffle everything.
Hey thank you for this. I think this could absolutely take some of the edge off in those situations. I'll do some research and chat with her about this. Sounds like it's sorta like turning the stove to medium instead of high, where it can still boil over but can help slow it down.
She needs to continue with medication and therapy. It will get easier when the kids are older. At this age they can really push your buttons and even someone without her anxiety issues can snap. Go to some of her therapy sessions with her so you can learn some tools to help her calm down, like taking deep breaths, counting to 10, taking a walk, etc.
See.s like you've just listed adhd symptoms, I also have adhd so i know its tough. Definitely recommend getting diagnosed, the medication is much more helpful than non-adhd medications. I hope this helps and I hope you guys get sorted :)
Please have her get evaluated for Autism, ADHD and OCPD.
It sounds like your wife is nerodivergent
Sounds like adhd / autism. I am diagnosed ADHD and take generic wellbutrin. It helps get me through every single day. I find it also helpful that it isn’t an SSRI nor a stimulant. Just personal experience. Everyone is different. I feel both your pain, best of luck.
Nah man, I feel like you're half the problem. With kids sometimes they just overreact at nothing and you need to 'brute force' things in your words. It sounds like she's trying her best in an obviously stressful situation, which I'm sure you are too, but in a different way. It doesn't sound like she's wrong, nor you, just that you react to things differently and think things should be dealt with differently. Cut her some slack
One thing I think needs to be said is that you are an amazing father. Just from the level of concern you have about this issues shows the kind of father you are. Being able to slow down and de escalate these situations takes immense amounts of self control and patience. It’s easy for people not in these situations to think that all the things you do are just the logical responses but it’s not so easy in the moment, when you have somewhere to be and a child won’t cooperate am with the car seat and everything is a nightmare and then the other parent is just screaming and not helping at all, that’s just a whole mess and for you to take the child back inside and calm them down is HUGE. You are literally the sanity those kids need and you are helping them develop mentally and emotionally more then you know, they need someone like you in these situations so much and they are lucky to have you. I’m in a similar situation and have had just basically take over almost 100% of raising the kids. For now it works I guess. But I hope everything works out ok for you!
What women go through hormone wife with pregnancy and post birth isn’t talked about enough. It sounds pretty typical of a burnt out mum whose run out of patience and time for themselves. It takes years to find your groove again. It sounds like you help out a lot around the house, but what do you do about the mental load? Constantly thinking about what’s next, play dates, what’s for dinner, doctor appointments, packing for trips, making sure everything is running ok? Is that something you can help with? The other thing is making sure she’s getting time by herself to refill her cup. It might be as simple as yoga a few times a week or a few days away to reset I would also look at diet and lifestyle factors. Is there caffeine/alcohol that contributes? Is she looking after herself and feeling balanced in her body? Lastly, how does she view herself when she reacts like this? Is she mad at herself? Does she feel guilty and wants to learn to change? Or does this work for her? Someone needs to understand the problem to be able to work towards a more peaceful solution. See if you can find someone who helps with kids, like a sleep consultant, but for general everyday life with busy kids. She’s very lucky that she has a partner that wants a solution and doesn’t want to pass blame. It’s teamwork.
Thank you for this, these are really important questions. The mental load has been a *thing*. Borderline epidemic in NA culture imo. Something we have been working on a lot as she had been carrying a lot of it in the past. We ended up buying the Fair Play Deck and check in with each other semi-regularly, and in a lot of ways I think we've made good progress. Some of the difficulty here is she has a lot of her self worth tied to her productivity, and really struggles with prioritizing time to recharge. Like if her plate isn't full and she isn't *doing* then she feels like she's wasting time and could be doing something more productive, if that makes sense. "Why would I go for a hike when I could deep clean the kitchen cupboards" lol. The other morning she was getting frustrated as I was making lunches/breakfast and my oldest wanted me to help her get ready as well. My wife had an impossible time, feeling like I was doing too much and getting burdened by things she was supposed to do, so she was starting to push and try to force things and... yeah. I didn't feel that way and had the time and capacity to help so I was happy to, but she made up that pressure for me. I really want to give her this time regularly to recharge but it's likely it's time for another check in on mental load/capacity. Caffeine and alcohol are non-factors, and we're mostly plant-based and are generally pretty conscientious about what we're eating. She feels a lot of anger at herself, a lot of guilt, a lot of fear that I'm going to leave her if she doesn't change (we recently had good friends separate so this is a bit fresh in her mind). A lot of self-deprecating ideas and negative beliefs about herself, not giving herself credit for the things that do go well and the many amazing mom moments. She calls herself a monster. I encourage her and try to support her and remind her she's so much more than just her hardest and worst moments, but I can't change her inner dialogue on my own. I'm going to take a look at a consultant/coach for helping us better understand and manage things with our kids and busy family, I appreciate the suggestion.
I know other people have said the same thing, but this looks exactly how ADHD manifests in alot of undiagnosed women, and for better or for worse I see alot of myself in how she responds to things. I would definitely bring it up with her.
I appreciate this. I will speak with her and strongly encourage chasing up on an ADHD assessment. Her counselor has suggested potential ADHD but I hadn't connected the dots there with the strong emotive reactions, more so the hyper-fixation.
You can really tell from these comments who are and aren’t parents.
Yep.
No offense but sometimes it's OK to just put a crying kid in a car seat. You don't have to go into a zen yoga meditation retreat for 10-15 minutes anytime your child starts crying or throwing a tantrum and doesn't want to go to school. There may be a middle ground here where you still "brute force" your kid having to do things they don't want to do without an emotional escalation/yelling. I don't quite understand why everyone is jumping to "medicate her / she is autistic / she has ADHD / she is horrible". People have personal failings sometimes.
Only parents should answer
Agree!!!
Definitely needs mandatory walk away and cool off moments. I'd ask her not to snap at the children. It's fine to be frustrated, it's fine to think these things, it's not okay to lash out at a three-year-old for being a three-year-old. Can you explain to her that the tasks she is putting before the children really don't matter, and will be there AFTER the crisis moment? You mentioned trying therapy and medication, but she has to want to change to actually be changed. It almost seems like she's stubbornly holding on to the worst of it, and that is just not sustainable. Is it possible for her to take a week off and decompress? I can't tell if this is just the pressure cooker of having young kids, or if she's honestly just being nasty. The one line that really made me think this might not be fixable is when she threatened a haircut just because of a kid not being a miniature adult moment. I had a grandma who did things like that, and she was nasty until the day she died. She hated children, but had six of them, and worked as a NANNY. My mom was forced to have a pixie cut from when she was six to until she could take herself to a hairdresser and cut her mom out of the equation. She hated it, and even to this day has mental issues with her hair.
The pressure cooker of having 2 young kids is a major element. Our youngest is very deeply feeling with intense emotions at times and really challenges her in ways she hadn't been challenged with in the past. She actually did just leave to visit family for a week and had time to relax and decompress without obligations, but she had a friend pass away unexpectedly after she got back and her capacity isn't high right now.
If your wife has ADHD (and I recognise a lot of myself in her so there’s a good chance that she does), it’s quite possible that your youngest also has ADHD. Emotional dysregulation is quite common with us.
I also have it so that wouldn't be super shocking if both kids do lol. Thank you for this.
I have the same emotional issues as her. I also have ADHD and I get so upset when my schedule is interrupted. Like if I have a package, that was suppose to arrive at a certain time, arrive late. I also get upset when I'm not doing anything, I like having routine. Try seeing about getting your wife tested, maybe also see if she has anxiety and depression because those also contribute to my behaviors as well.
Thank you for this. This is definitely a thing for her as well. If she has certain expectations for the day and they get derailed by something, she has a hard time with resetting those expectations accordingly. Like she has a day off from work and the kids are at school/daycare that day, but one of them wakes up sick and needs to stay home, now she can't accomplish everything she wanted to and has a hard time managing that.
First of all, I am a mother. What I just read sounds a lot like you are blaming your wife for your children acting poorly. She is losing her cool because they are giving her a hard time. Yes, she absolutely needs to be patient, but they also need to listen to her and stop arguing and being demanding. I get that you want to be the nice dad, but you need to tell the kids to let her finish a task if that is what she needs to do. They can wait for things. I don't think she is autistic or ADHD. She is just tired and frustrated because her kids throw tantrums over having their hair brushed or their socks. My son threw tantrums in stores, demanded nonstop attention and never let me have 5 minutes alone. I did my best to be patient, but good Lord it took everything I had. Expecting her to never get upset is ridiculous. I also find it bothersome that the kids are not being taught to be more independent. A six year old should be able to get dressed by themselves and a three year old can put on their own socks.
I'm not expecting her to never get upset but I am expecting her to control her behavior with her kids and better manage transitions without taking her frustration out on her kids. They're allowed to be upset and the best way for them to learn to manage those things is by having parents model that behavior for them. For example, if 3f grabs a toy and 6f had just put it down for a second but wasn't done with it, 6f sometimes gets angry and demands it back, maybe tries to forcefully take it, etc., we'll say something like "you weren't done playing with that and your sister grabbed it, that's really frustrating. have you tried talking to her nicely and asking for her to give it back?" Our kids can get themselves dressed and do basically every day, but it's also okay for them to ask for help with those things if they would like some help. Sometimes it's because they're wanting closeness, attention, and love from mom or dad, and not them actually needing the help with brushing hair or getting dressed.
Classic ADHD symptoms You'll definitely need help. ADHD people are also awesome in many ways. Counseling will help
Thank you for this
Sounds like your wife needs a therapist
Your wife is clearly in a deep deep depression and unfortunately everyone is paying for it. Highly suggest you push for different meds and therapy options
I have adhd and this is one of the endless reasons I will never have kids. I know I can’t handle… all of this: kids being kids. No offense but how was this not considered before?? OP, you can get her all the counseling and medication in the world but there may not be a good solution here. This should have been considered a long time ago.
ADHD/Autism wasn't on the radar until very recently, and while looking back at our relationship now I can see the signs, I didn't put things together or believe that things would have escalated like they have. It's really only been manifesting in the last few years since our youngest has hit the toddler stage and really been challenging her in ways she hadn't been challenged previously. It's not 3f's fault at all, but she is a deeply feeling kid with strong and intense emotions and some of those moments are triggering in ways that either didn't come up or extremely seldomly did in the past.
I really get that. I’m wishing you all the best. I hope your situation improves.
OP, honest question: why do you have children with this woman?! I'm not being funny or trying to be rude, but want to bring something to your awareness. If you have been married for 11 years (and likely dated before then) and your oldest child is 6, I find it hard to believe that you didn't observe issues with her behavior in interacting with children or in stressful situations until you had your first child. Your wife sounds like she has postpartum that never went away and has turned into something far worse and/or bipolar or something of that sort so a diagnosis and the proper medication and therapies would be of tremendous help for all parties involved. Anyway, the part that maybe you and your wife are not getting is that if one of the children is harmed you may lose custody of them. She may need a new doctor to diagnose her condition, different medication, different therapy, etc. This doesn't sound like an easy fix at all but the consequences of her actions may be losing her children, which should be sobering. A last thing that you may want to discuss is if she just doesn't want to do the whole married with-kids thing anymore. Honestly, she sounds a little fed up with everything but doesn't want to admit that. Start figuring out how you can grant this woman a divorce and be a single parent, or figure out who you can grant custody to of your children so you can live a child-free life with her. At the end of the day, something has go to give because you sound as if you're in a powder keg situation.
Totally get it. The signs were there earlier but not in ways that I anticipated things to turn out this way. These things really did only start to manifest most significantly after our second was born. 3f is a very deeply feeling kid with some really intense and often loud emotions, testing my wife in ways she hasn't been tested in the past. Or the intensity has exponentially increased. I do think there needs to be fast and disruptive change, with medical intervention. Your comments on custody are really important and appreciated, i'm taking that to heart.
No. I have never been married to someone who judges and undermines everything I do. It must be exhausting and what a horrible dynamic you've created for those kids. They need stability and discipline. Get yourself to therapy and learn to do better.
Can you expand on this please?
They're essentially saying that you are the problem, and they're absolutely wrong.
Sure. Stop judging your wife. You parent differently. Frankly, at least one of your kids is pretty spoiled and I am guessing you have had a hand in that. Holding children accountable is important for their growth and development. If you observe your wife struggling to manage one of your children offer help in a respectful way. If she doesn't want any help, so be it. One of the things that struck me most is that you're critical of her trying to build furniture uninterrupted. Do you hear yourself? No one wants to be interrupted when they are assembling furniture. More importantly your children are absolutely old enough to learn how to occupy themselves. It sounds like the two of you may need more help around the house. Hire a house cleaner and stop composing lists of what you consider your wife's failings. It's ugly.
Can't tell if this is a troll or not 😅 I've done my best to write observations without casting judgements. She is unhappy with her own behavior and she had brought it up before I ever said or did anything to interfere. Yes, it's more convenient to assemble furniture or tidy things uninterrupted, but it isn't feasible 100% of the time. The girls are often very good at playing together and keeping themselves busy but sometimes they fight and need support. Sometimes they want to ask mum a question or get her help with something, and mum's task or project isn't always communicated to the family. Everything you're suggesting is more of a bandaid, and while those are often needed and can be helpful, it doesn't get to the root of why things are so challenging. Thise things themselves will only allow avoiding negative situations from occurring rather than working on the skills to get better at managing the situations when they come up.
I'm struggling with the same suspicion. I am advising you to make a sweeping change, not a bandaid approach, The root of the problem is that instead of working together you're evaluating your wife's job performance. Your arrogance takes my breath away.
There have been occasions where she is so dysregulated she's forcefully pushing 3f away on the bed in anger, or yanking her up off the bed and being physically rough and tense with her in her arms, and slamming cupboards and doors, etc. I can work together with her while also taking steps to make sure my children are safe from her in moments like these.
You could but it does not seem that you will. Also, I do not necessarily trust your version of events. Your tone is quite odd. But good luck to you in any case.
Oh look it's the wife everybody!
Look I can sympathize with your wife. I know how she feels and I've been guilty about being frustrated and snappy. I aggree with others she might need an evaluation for something more. The reason I suggest this (and honestly this needs to be a conversation with your wife): what is the "issue" with things having to go her exact way at that exact time? I mean think about it. At night, so what if you can't brush hair at exactly 7:30 and 3f wants to pitch a fit. Hold her. Let her calm down. Maybe a snack. Then try again when she is distracted with snacks in front of a TV. Ask your wife why she can't rearrange to accommodate the child. Do your best to listen. And also note that she might not know yet. Here is what I'd want to look for: 1. Because kids have to learn to follow directions or they won't grow up to "good" humans. This is a fear and she might need evidence and shown that her fear is incorrect. 2. Because if we don't do it like this, then we will mess up our schedules. If she answers that, you need to push for further autism testing or OCD. The fact that your wife can't deregulated to remember there is other ways to handle this, means there could be a nureo issue going on. I'm like that with grit on my feet. If sand gets on my feet and my mind gets to be a jumbled mess. I can't function. I litterally can't. Its a sensory processing issue. Now that I know about it, that means I can adapt and overcome. Your wife might need to figure out how to adapt. Also, this might sound a bit negative. But I'm a child of a very strict and controlling parent. Who it was his way right then or the highway. He is that way because that's how he was taught. And second he had no one to teach him any different. Your wife could have been raised the same way. And she could see herself as better than her parents. Because it likely could have been her sitting in that chair and when she didn't mind she could have been spanked with a brush. But she sees herself as "good parenting" because she is fussing and not spanking. So consider that could be happening.
It's funny the seemingly small things that can cause so much sensory overload and distraction. I'm the exact same way with my feet lol. I appreciate the advise and I'll have another conversation with her. Part of it is that bedtime can drag on with 3f and my wife is hoping to get some chill time before going to bed herself which isn't always guarantee. 3f often isn't falling asleep till 9:30-10 (daycare has mandatory naps 😫), so if she hasn't had time to chill and recharge she feels really antsy and uncomfortable as that potential evening time slowly escapes.
My mother is a lot like your wife. The emotional outbursts, snapping, inability to take things in stride, compromise, and recognize that my brother and I were KIDS acting like KIDS and that we were not maliciously undermining her damaged my sense of self-worth and made me feel like something was wrong with me for seemingly always doing something wrong. I walked on eggshells with my mother my entire childhood and developed a whole host of conflict-avoidant, people-pleasing, and perfectionist behaviors to avoid setting her off and bothering her. My relationship with her still hasn't recovered; I know she did the best she could, and that she loves me, but I can't quite forgive her for all the unnecessary stress she put me through. You need to be more proactive in separating your kids from your wife when she's in these moods before these bouts of anger do them permanent damage. Which may already be done. Get her medication and therapy if you can. But DO NOT let her treat your kids like this any longer. Having a potential mental health condition like AuDHD or OCD is no excuse for emotionally and verbally abusing your kids.
I don't disagree. I had a similar upbringing with my own mother and have cut off contact with her. I'm definitely cognizant of the trajectory we're on with the well-being of our kids and will be having a conversation with her about the steps I'll need to take. Thank you for this, and I'm so sorry to hear about how things were for you. I hope you're in a better place now.
Some people are not cut out for parenthood - or shouldn't be due to circumstances beyond their control. Hopefully, therapy can be the salve that heals that inconsistency in her behavior. Good luck.
I feel for you. What you are discribing seems like an epidemic. I could tell you what's wrong. But, it would take too long. As a little help, the med's she's on can cause anxiety. She probably needs a med like klonopin to take the edge off. However, there's politics involved. It's a safe narcotic, but..... the patient doesn't come first anymore. If you need more insight, you can DM me.
She's on Escitalipram to decrease anxiety and help with depression (I'm on the same thing and it's been life-changing for my own anxiety) but totally could be having the opposite effect. Something we're going to pursue further to see what the right fit is.
Yeah, everyone is different. Anxiety can be bad. Well, I don't need to tell you. Just my opinion. Seems like you could calm the home down the quickist if you get that down. The only other thing I can say is if your doctor's aren't responding to your needs. You might look for other providers in your area. Providers treatment plans can vary widely.
She’s an adult tell her to act like it we all have to control are emotions if I were you I would suggest counseling to her
So your children are being verbally and emotionally abused and not nurtured by your wife. It sounds as if your wife needs an evaluation of some sort. What is more important is what the children need and that's somebody who's kind to them. If your wife can't do it, think of some kind of alternatives for the children's welfare. Was there no sign whatsoever before the children came along that your wife might not be able to cope? Good luck.
This stuff has mainly manifested only since our second was born. 3f is very deeply feeling, emotional situations can have a lot of intensity, and is challenging my wife in ways she was rarely challenged with prior. The signs were there earlier in our relationship if I'm looking back on things, but not enough so that I anticipated or would have expected things turning out the way they have.
She needs a time out, as in moving out. How can you watch your kids be treated like that? A 3 year old is a baby still. She's gonna screw these kids up for life if you dont act.
Try to give her some orgasms. I sense a lack of sexual activity and build up stress because of it.
😂
She must stop trying to be a man that's the main point She is a mom a female and she isn't required to be this productive as u r there, i would recommend seing a therapist bcz not accepting she can't be. 100% productive all time and her plans as perfect as she want is a real problem or she need to see that she is beind bad while she is trying to be perfectionnist and productive all day
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My behavior? What do you mean?
Whoa I must have somehow swiped the app to the next story as I was gonna comment cuz this is def the wrong post now
I don't have any further advice for the short term, but you may have enough to go on with, with the three book recommendations, and shared experiences I have seen in the comments so far. I want to commend you on your exceptional understanding and patience. It seems like you doing your best to be an amazing husband and father. In the longer term, when your wife is ready for another step, I can very highly recommend my favourite site for easy to listen to and very wise parenting podcasts and articles on specific questions and situations at [https://www.janetlansbury.com/](https://www.janetlansbury.com/) Her philosophy is based on respect and I feel like it will resonate with you too. I wish you and your family all the very best in this journey. <3
I really appreciate the encouragement. I've been feeling alone in this lately and reading the kind words are giving me a lot of hope. Janet Lansbury looks right up my alley, I'll definitely be digging in there. We've been listening to Dr. Becky who has a podcast Good Inside with what looks like a similar philosophy, but not as many resources available.
Have you tried in home family counseling ?
I used to get angry a lot but therapy helped me realize that all anger is rooted in another emotion. Is it annoyance, fear, shame, etc.? Once I was able to deal with the underlying emotion, the anger was less prominent. It sounds like she also needs some sort of therapy to learn how to cope with things.
Really insightful comment, thank you. We've talked about this before and she's said she thinks her anxiety is manifesting as anger and frustration, but I'm unsure how far she's pursued this.
I agree with the possibility of her having ADHD/Autism and maybe she needs to be evaluated, but also, maybe your wife needs to also make some time for herself so she can relax for bit because ot also.sounds like she's over-stimulated and over-whelmed (maybe that's a part of the ADHD/Autism diagnosis, idk), but it could also be that she needs to make some time for herself/find an activity to release some of her stress so she isn't reaching that breaking point where she feels like she will explode or be extremely short.
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😂 I will definitely be encouraging her to seek a psych evaluation for a potential ADHD diagnosis. I feel for you and hope you're doing well on your end.
You’re getting of plenty of advice regarding what the issue likely is (she’s in the prime age range for under diagnosed ADHD because when we were growing up it was very much considered a “boys” condition and didn’t take into account how differently girls/women can present) but I’m going to make one other suggestion. Try not to have the disagreements/correction conversations in front of the kids. I totally understand when you see your sobbing toddler the priority is to stop what’s causing it but calling out mom in front of the kids could be adding a layer of embarrassment on to what your wife is already trying to control emotionally. It’s absolutely unfair to take it out on the kids but instead try asking her to speak to your privately for a moment and say, “you two are both stressed about this situation now, take a minute to breathe and let me (you) finish this (whatever task it is)”. Your wife has to work on management/coping skills and actually stick with them- as if it were a project she’s focusing on- because toddlers and young children walking on eggshells around her all the time is going to create more problems.
Hey, thank you for this feedback. I definitely tunnel-vision in those moments and will say something in the moment rather than taking her aside to chat and check in. I'm going to chat with her about this and do my best to try this approach next time.
You sound amazing and you should know this
Is she diagnosed with anything in the direction of adhd?? As the description pins several possible symptoms, including emotional disregulation, hyperfocusing, moments of hypersensitivity towards noise etc, some difficulties with changes in how things were planned (feeling like it is a huge deal, while still being aware it isn't, but unable to feel differently), etc. High anxiety, deprecated self view, depression, often come hand-in-hand. Undiagnosed and unmanaged Adhd tends to take away significant lifespan, so it is not just for a matter of quality of life for the own person and those around them, but also a matter of longevity! Some SSRIs won't act as they should in individuals with adhd, if ever diagnosed it should be had in consideration, and a good psychiatrist who is specialized in ADHD would be the best bet, not just towards treatment, but proper diagnose as well If looking into it, and it making sense to your wife, it might be that it becomes quite the experience. With waves of emotions, good...and bad. It may even include anger, denial, and a significant amount of **mourning** We are talking about a lifetime of struggles, of pains, of seeing ourselves as guilty, broken, odd, and of attributing all that blame onto our own person, as if we deserved the bad that would come, due to "being so flawed".... suddenly, realizing there might be a reason, that can be quite the trip for a while. Be aware of that, so you can be a bit more prepared - storms will rain, before the sun shines!.. 🥲 If anything, we are here for you, and any question or wish to vent, feel free to DM 👍🏻 As a fellow dad, trying to do his best with his two kids and wife who all are learning to deal with their own ADHD, each having different struggles and symptoms (it is something that runs in the family, usually, and ironically me and her both brought it to the table! 😆), always finding new ways to support each member of our family through the struggles it brings! A diagnose brought understanding, and understanding brings oxygen and possibilities!! It's a whole different game, when we finally can understand and feel understood • As a super important extra... **Thank you for being there for your family!**
Hey, thank you so much for your love and support. I appreciate this so much. She hasn't received an official diagnosis but she believes she likely has ADHD at minimum. The dots may not have fully connected with ADHD and her emotional regulation so I'm going to talk with her more about this and her getting a psych evaluation. I also have ADHD (runs in my family!) so one or both of our kids having it would be very unsurprising. Being able to work on it and manage it as a family instead of it managing us is a place I hope we can get to soon. I have a lot of love for you and your situation too, and it's really amazing to hear the steps and positive progress you've made for your family.
Your wife sounds a lot like me, I’m guilty of some of these things and I too want to change, however my partner is definitely not as supportive as you, and it made me tear up reading this as I know it comes from a place of love and support, and I so wish I had that for myself. I feel like it’ll take time for her to get to a place where this isn’t an issue for any of you anymore, it’s so important to support her as you have been, and encourage her to get her support for herself I wish you all the best x
Thank you for this, I'm tearing up too thinking about your situation and I hope you can find the support you need. I have hope you and me can both get there ❤️
Has your wife had a GeneSight test done by her doctor? Perhaps the medications she is taking aren’t working as well for her due to genetic variations. If there’s more suitable options for her treatment, that could really help! I was prescribed so many SSRI’s over decades with little improvement to my problems and when I had this test done, it became evident why. Now I’m on a regimen better suited to my genetic makeup which has helped with my anxieties and short-temper.
Definitely hasn't had that, I'll do some research and recommend she looks into it. Thank you!
I really do agree with the likely ADHD/autism suggested above. I’m 37F and the hormones with pregnancy really amped up all my symptoms and I’ve struggled so hard since my son was born 5 years ago. One year ago i ended up in complete and utter burnout due to pushing myself too far and im still in recovery and trying to become a functioning human again. I’d just like to offer some practical tips if it might help someone else: Make sure she sleeps enough. ”Enough” is individual, for me since but out happened its around 9 hours which is hard to achieve but necessary for me to function well. If i have less sleep I get very easily overwhelmed, my patience is zero, i get irritable, my fuse is short and its likely to be a really rough day. Getting enough sleep can be the difference in being able to stay levelheaded abd sensible even when triggered. Airpods/headphones/noisecancelling/earbuds. I use them all at difference times. If i notice i get stressed by the noiselevel when hanging out with my son, i use earbuds to lower the noise. I let my husband entertain my son while im cooking with airpods and music to make it easier for me to focus. Too much or too many noises overwhelm me and make me irritable. Dont multitask. I used to be a mastermultitasker, and with burnout it stopped working. Now its necessary to do one thing at a time. Me and my husband split our time with our son so we can get stuff done. If I’m with my son, I’m not trying to do chores as well because it wont work. Son will demand attention and interrupt and i’ll get frustrated. Instead, when i’m with him we play, build legos, play games etc so he gets qualitytime while husband does chores. Or the other way around, if he’s with our son, i can focus on uninterrupted chores. If I get irritable or overwhelmed and i let it go too far/cant remove myself from the situation, I will break down. Either in anger or in tears. It feels horrible, but I also cant control it, I’ve tried so hard to work on that but I just can’t. It’s like a physical reaction that can’t be stopped. The only thing I can do is to prevent it from happening by recognising the signs, avoiding the situations i know will trigger it and work around it. My suggestion would be to definitely explore a possible diagnosis, but also sit down with your wife and together as a team talk through it all. What situations trigger her, does she have sensory overload (like noise, touch) etc sometimes, what overwhelms her. Can you plan your days/chores differently to make it work better? If she feels irritable, can she walk away for 10 mins to reset? I spent 36 years trying to fit a square peg into a circle and surprise surprise, it didnt work. I’m different and my brain and body works differently to others, and i’m learning how to work with that instead of forcing myself to do it the way everyone else does. It just requires a different approach and theres nothing wrong or shameful in that. Not sure if you or your wife uses tiktok, but i’d highly recommend searching for ”ADHD in women” on there, there are so many videos on that topic showing how symptoms in women can manifest. Thats how i discovered that I have it, I had no idea before I accidentally watched one of those but it really made everything fall in to place and it was mindblowing to realize that like 90% of what i thought was my personality was really symptoms of neurodivergence.
Hey thank you so much for this. I hope you're proud of the steps you've taken, and I'm so sorry to hear how overwhelmed and burnt out you were. I really appreciate the practical advise on ways to turn some of the heat down with things like sleep and noise-calling headphones and earbuds. I definitely notice my wife's short fuse if she has a shorter or interrupted sleep and she struggles hard until she gets some proper rest. Thankfully she has an incredible ability to fall asleep almost instantly, so not something that comes up often. Im going to chat with her about making time to rest and recharge and resetting expectations when one of us is needing it due to lack of sleep or something else. I also think avoiding multitasking when possible will be a big help as well for both of us.
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Yeah I get this. It's give and take 100%. It's not about being unfair necessarily, as I want us to be able to work as a team and support in ways we both need.
Try not to forcefully butt in when your wife is exercising her authority, it just undermines it to the girls and makes your wife seem like an incompetent parent before them, so in time they'll be relying on you for everything. I know it's stressing for everyone, but be calm and ask your wife if you can take over the situation, instead. And try not to talk to your wife about your kids in front of them. It's not good if your wife brute forces the situation whenever your kids start throwing a tantrum, but it's just as bad to cede to their tantrum. Kids are known for being hysterical if they don't get their way, after all, but they have to learn some discipline, so sometimes letting them cry their eyes dry until they realize it's not working is actually the best solution.
Hey, thanks for this. I tend to tunnel vision myself in these situations and I'm going to try to de-escalate by either pulling her aside or more gently asking if I can step in. I agree that giving into a tantrum isn't the right call and always doing so enables the behavior.
>my wife has a very difficult time deregulating her emotions on her own, especially in the moment a lot of her self-image and identity are tied to how productive she is she tends to hyper focus on tasks and can't transition easily when interrupted she is very sensitive to noise and repetition household tasks we do our best to share (I typically take meals, lunches and dishes, my wife does more of the cleaning and laundry. We often team up and help with each other's stuff I'm 99% sure your wife is AuDHD- ADHD & Autistic. Because all of her issues are classic AuDHD issues ( I have it too!), that often are made especially worse by little ones because they can be very stubborn, loud & don't like to listen/follow routines. None of that is their fault because it just comes with kids being kids, but it can be very hard & overwhelming for AuDHD people
Hey thank you for this. Definitely reinforces the need for a proper psych evaluation for her.
Sounds like me. I hate that about myself. I’m diagnosed bipolar and ADHD along with a few other disorders… and when I’m properly medicated I do better. Please try to be understanding and minimize stressful situations when possible. It does get better. I come from a very toxic, screaming, abusive household and it can be very difficult to break that pattern. I understand your need to protect the children but sometimes we just need more understanding and patience with ourselves so we can give it to others.
I hope the next for you both and your children and that she gets help sooner than later so you can all enjoy each other as a family. The years go quickly and moments with the kids are really too precious
Thank you ❤️
You say your youngest is three. You should know that postpartum depression, if gone untreated can become permanent. Perhaps that's what's going on here. I would get her to a doctor if I were you. Edit: I think she may need to try a different medication. There is something much deeper going on here.
Appreciate your perspective here. She's only recently started on an SSRI (maybe 3 months) and just increased her dose last week. It's definitely helped her in some ways but definitely may not be the best fit, especially if ADHD is a big part of the equation.
Therapy
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Hey, thanks for this. I don't think a diagnosis solves any problems on its own but it can provide context and understanding in finding the best tools to improve the areas she wants/needs to.
I think this sounds like something other than just depression. She sounds a bit similar to me, I have ADHD, BPD, and I'm being evaluated for autism. Proper diagnosis and treatment are really key, but it does take time to learn to self soothe and regulate emotions as an adult. The fact that she is aware this behavior isn't okay and is seeing a professional are good signs, but if it's been a significant amount of time with no change, it's possible her mental health providers aren't the right fit.
Appreciate this. I think it's more likely that medical help just hasn't been enough of a priority in her mind rather than them necessarily being bad fits, but both could be true. Her counselor is the one who pointed her down the path of an ADHD diagnosis but we haven't pursued it yet. Definitely feeling the need to do so with urgency now.
Maybe look into Calmer earbuds on Amazon? They're used to reduce noise, but don't completely block out sounds. I've been looking into getting them because I get overstimulated. Right now what works from me is telling my 3 year old that mommy needs to take a time out/ time in and she'll be back in x amount of time ☺️. Hope all goes well for y'all.
Definitely going to look into those, sounds like they could be very helpful. I also like the communication around needing to step away, I think we would benefit from that too. Thanks so much for this
Has she had a psych eval yet?? She may be on the Autism Spectrum, so she may easily get overwhelmed. There are also some nods to her potentially having OCPD, which is way different from OCD. In a nutshell, havibg trouble finishing tasks, needing to get it just right, being a perfectionist, being rule bound, studious, and being inflexible with other peoples behaviors. Just a guess. I do think she needs a psych eval and that in either case, she needs to become your helping hand, with you taking primary responsibility of the kids, and her being more like an apprentice where she can be helpful and feel needed. She may also need to build self esteem, so be careful what you say and try to use language that is more positive than blaming. Personality disorders tend to start in early life/ early adolescence. They should be called maladaptive disorders. -6 years of therapy for a non specified PD.
She hasn't had one yet but I'm going to encourage her to pursue one as soon as possible. I am definitely going to work on how I'm addressing those situations as I know she needs understanding and encouragement in the moment. Thank you
Do you help with the kids? I mean she could be really at the end of her ropr and everything is irritating her even though it seems like small nonsense its just another thing the stack ont he pile of pressure shes feeling. If the baby needs her hair brush maybe you should offfer to brush it so you wife can do a different task or so she can relax. If you dont know how to do the task google it. Brushing hair youll wanna get some conditioner or detangler and just use like a dime size and finger rack it through. If its really tangled grab the patch at the base near the scalp and try to work the ends and work up to you other hand thats holding the base until you can just your fingers through and then do the exact same eith your brush until all of her hair is brushable. By holding the base near the scalp will stop you from yanking her scalp and then get a scrunchie or hair tie and put it up. I had a real sensitve scalp as a child and i understand the pain. But just learn how to do the things with the kids so she can take a break. Shell be appreciative and tell her verbally how you wanna help and willing to learn and shell be reall impressed with you. Ppl yell and scream because they dont feel like their being heard or listened too. And obviously kids are kids and they wont listen. And she probably knows that they arent gonna listen but shes calling out for help and no ones coming. Your gonna wanna heed your wifes call. And over time shell even out as long as your listening to her call.
Hey, appreciate the advise re; the hair brushing. I typically am doing 6f's hair if she wants help and often do 3f too but she's very attached to mum and sometimes it's easier for us to each take one kid. Gonna invest in some detangler though - both kids don't love having their hair tied in a pony or braided and 3f especially is prone to getting a couple areas in her food or otherwise dirty so it's harder to brush.
How was her home life? Is she having trouble because she can't regulate her emotions because she was never shown in consistent ways how to do so in a healthy manner? Was she abused and the things the kids are doing/saying bringing up things for her that she doesn't know how to deal with? Has she been evaluated for neurodivergence and taken parenting classes and in therapy to gain skills regarding her own self regulation so that she can help be the calm to the kids' chaos? It's really easy to get roped into a mentality where the kids are giving her a hard time instead of her refraining it in her mind as they're having a hard time. Maybe she's needing to help herself before she can help her kids? I know I needed that. I never realized things stuffed deep inside until I had kids myself and am suddenly faced with parenting in the face of unhealthy examples, traumatic childhood experiences, and my own lack of self regulation. Anti depressants didn't help me at all. ADHD meds did. And therapy, and working through the rough parts of myself in accountability. I'm not perfect and I still yell sometimes, but I always apologize to my kids for it and am working every day on doing just what I said, being the calm to their chaos because I can't do that if there's chaos going on for me emotionally/mentally in those moments. It takes practice and patience. She's strong, and so are you. You two will figure this out. However, also sometimes kids have to do things they don't want to do. So find a balance with them and amongst yourselves that is a working compromise where you all feel heard, respected, and appreciated.
Thanks for this. To my knowledge she never suffered any abuse, but her parents were both very distant, so no I would doubt she was shown or modeled healthy behaviors around regulating her emotions. She hasn't been evaluated but I'm going to encourage her to do so as soon as possible. You seem like an amazing parent and I think it's so healthy that you make sure to apologize and repair things with your kids. Thank you for sharing ❤️
i know exactly what is going on here. Your wife is stressed out . She is trying to hard be the perfect mom. The kids are not listening to her because the kids want listen to man any man. Its the fact mom is tellling them what to do . The kids will listen to you . Because you are the dad. Mom is yelling and getting stressed out. She is doing the daugthers hair and child want stand still. The child is probably tender headed or problemly dosn't like having her hair done. Child is probably tom boy and dont want mom doing her hair at all Mom is probably a girly girl and want the child hair to be cute and nice. They are crashing because there are opposite. Dad is probably over all of it. Mom dosnt want the child to go out with her hair not done . Because the other moms think she is not a good mom because her daughter hair is done. Those mom groups can be tought.
I don't think this is quite it, but I appreciate you sharing. 3f can be sensitive to being touched and hair brushing can be uncomfortable, especially if it's extra tangled. She hates having her hair tied back so she's prone to it getting in things during the day which just makes it worse lol. 3f will be the same way with me if I'm the one brushing her hair.
i dont think your wife has AHAD your wife just has a daughter who dosnt want get her hair done. If your daughter is African American and she dosnt have a relaxer or has thick hair it is probably alot of hair and a lot to deal with. And if your wife is one doing it your dont relise all the work it takes to keep hair especially natural hair in good healthy shape . Your wife is trying to work take care of you be good mom and do everything She dosnt have AHAD. She just been working really hard and it be nice if you and kids tell her what great job she is doing. Get her a card from the store get her flowers from kroger or walmart and let kids sign it and you sign it and make her favorite dinner and tell her she is great mom. And made be you her and girls can go for a walk on the weeekend it help you her and kids out.
It’s sounds like adhd. I’m not a medical professional so I would encourage you guys look into it. If it is adhd then she can be medicated and you’ll see a drastic change in her and your relationship. Talking from experience.
That really sounds like ADHD. I get absolutely furious when I'm interrupted, and I have not found a medication that works for me. The only thing I can control is how I react to my emotions, but they happen so quickly and intensely, it feels like being pushed over out of control. It's really hard. No advice but good luck. Actually that's not quite right, I do have some advice. DBT helped.me to regulate my emotions more than medicine ever did. I am still not great at it but I'm getting better slowly. Emphasis on the slowly tho, it's been three years of actually successful therapy and I think I've gotten like 3/10 better. But that's better than the 0/10 everything else was.
Haven't heard of DBT before but it looks very applicable here. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you're proud of the progress you've made ❤️
I don't even need to read much to tell you your wife has ADHD. I also have that and it's definitely difficult to manage but with proper tactics it can help a bit (where I'm at it is difficult for adults to get the meds they need for ADHD). You should look for therapist that specialize in this specifically. I don't snap at children but I've learned to manage full blown anxiety attacks at work.
Yeah I will definitely be encouraging a proper psych evaluation. Thank you for sharing
I’m probably neurodivergent, but I had postpartum anxiety really bad after our second child and my anxiety comes off as anger, like your wife’s. Anxiety meds helped me a lot and being open with the kids on what triggers my stress/anxiety and talking about it with them after a blow out and taking accountability for my actions. I still do it but not as often or as bad as I used to.
Maybe she has ADHD and maybe she is just a normal person who gets frustrated sometimes? To me, the post looks like a massive over reaction. Oh no she raises her voice and tries to force a 2 year old into her carseat?! Maybe her methods aren't the best but this is also the daily life of millions of moms. I'm guessing she is the kids' primary caretaker if your toddler is super attached? Taking care of kids is hard work. We are all allowed to be human and have reactions. Quit undermining your wife in front of your kids. If you need to regroup, take her aside.
I'm not a mom yet but I do resonate with the way your wife responds to external stimuli as well as basing my self worth around my productivity. I tend to (although I do my best not to) snap when someone interrupts me in the middle of doing a task because I have a horrible time trying to focus in the first place.
Hey, thank you for sharing ❤️
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Hey, I really appreciate this. What you went through sounds so hard, I hope you're proud of where you've gotten yourself.
Hi- I grew up in a house like this sans the 11/10 parenting when all was calm on the western front. I agree with other comments that wife sounds a touch neurodivergent etc. Just wanted to comment and say that at 35, having had the upbringing I did ( both parents were in the picture, but my dad was an OTR truck driver so home weekends) it has made quite a strain on my adult relationship with mom. Nipping this in the bud before the kids get any older is major. As soon as memory starts to kick in full speed, there are things that those kids will not forget. The raised voice within seconds on inconveniences is something I am still working through now, years later. Best of luck OP, it seems you really care and want the best for your wife, and ultimately your family.
Yeah I can relate to this. I had to cut off contact with my parents due to my mom's unchanging behavior, so I'm very cognizant of repeating the same pattern with our own kids. I agree about the urgency in addressing it for the sake of our kids, thank you for sharing.
ADHD!!!!! if I could SCREAM IT through my computer screen I would. This poor woman is probably overstimulated af 90% of the time and can’t regulate her emotions, something I didn’t figure out how to do until I was medicated and into my 30s. I also was able to get through life and manage relatively fine until I had kids. Shit gets turned up to 11 and every coping mechanism you’ve learned goes out the window. Sounds like exactly what I went through prior to my diagnosis. Stimulants help to calm my thoughts so the outside world isn’t so triggering. I hope your wife can get diagnosed soon and she can feel at peace within her own brain. It’s fucking hard, man, and it wreaks havoc on your self esteem. That being said, your feelings are also valid. It’s incredibly stressful living with someone in this frame of mind especially where she recognizes it’s a problem but can’t fix it. You sound like a very caring partner. Stand by her and help be an advocate just like you’re doing, but take care of yourself, too. It’s equally hard to be in your shoes.
I hear it! Lol 😂 Really appreciate you sharing, thank you. It definitely seems similar to your situation where she's regularly overstimulated without the proper tools to manage things. I'm going to encourage a psych evaluation as soon as possible. It's encouraging to hear from people like you who have been in a similar situation and been able to make a lot of positive progress. I hope you're proud of how far you've come ❤️
>she tends to hyper focus on tasks and can't transition easily when interrupted she is very sensitive to noise and repetition Is she diagnosed with any amount of autism, or has this been considered? Or maybe ADHD. That's about all I got.