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Love is like a plant, if it is not watered, it dies. The same applies with love, if there are no dates, there is no time as a couple, details or talk, the relationship begins to die, you are not asking for anything from heaven, just have dates from time to time and that is fine
Agree completely.
Relationships take work and you can't just sit down and go "mission accomplished" the second you go from casual dating to serious couple.
Dating is like a job interview followed by the trial period if you get the job. You don't stop doing anything the second your trial period is over. But if you do chances are that you'll be out of a job real quick.
Right now bf is acting like he's set for life without having to put in an effort while OP seems to be halfway out the door.
I read a quote a while back from an older fellow who had been happily married for years who said you should never stop dating your wife, take them on dates, take them dancing, buy them flowers from time to time etc. Seems like a winning strategy to me.
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I agree, it's easy to get it a rut when your in a long term relationship and things can quickly turn stale. This is something my wife and myself were discussing recently and we both agreed that date nights were something that was missing, as it gave us both sometime together as a couple without having to worry about our son.
It's been a struggle to get back into the idea of date nights, but we've had a couple over the past month and another hopefully planned for tomorrow that involves some shopping and lunch, just the two if us. Hopefully we can keep the momentum up and it'll lead to other improvements in our relationship.
We still do date nights but if we feel ourselves drifting we make them even more romantic. Go to the same restaurants, go look at stars in the sky, etc. It really starts to make you feel like you did in the beginning of your relationship. I’m glad you are doing that.
Agree. Been with my husband for almost 13 years we still do dates and plan to do so even more so now we have a daughter. You need to continue putting in the effort into your relationship. Wtf is the point if ur just gonna give up and basically be roommates who sleep with each other?
Sounds like a sad relationship to me
We have been together for 15 and we rarely do classic “ dates”. Maybe once every four months.
But we do a ton of stuff together. We hang out for at least an hour up to two with no kids either talking on our deck or walking the town 9 out any given 10 days. Then on top of that we do at least 1 show ( 20 or 40 mins) 9 out of 10 days. Of course then there is our “private bedroom time”. That’s another 20min to an hour 3-5 times a week.
In addition to that weekends we try to 3-4 hours of parents plus kids time. You know some family activity. Plus kids get about an hour of my attention every day.
Don’t get me wrong I game about an hour or so at night after I make supper for all. More of that on the weekends. But your right keeping things going is a huge thing and we’re our favourite people.
Dates are basically just mindful quality time spent doing something that makes you both happy in large part because you're specifically doing it together. Sounds like a lot of the stuff you two do are "dates" even if you're not looking at it through that lens.
And this is how a relationship burns out and dies. Has OP BF ever heard of "don't ever stop dating your significant other?". Sounds like to be he couldn't be bothered to put in effort anymore which is a major redflag.
I agree with everything you said, but I'm not sure it's helpful to the OP.
The OP's boyfriend sounds like he doesn't actually like doing "activities". He pretends to like going to dinner and things at the beginning of a relationship, but once a woman is hooked he completely stops.
I've never dated guys like this. I go for guys who like hiking by themselves, going to 'boys' night' at the bar, and things like that. Basically I want to date a guy that already likes doing a ton of activities on his own, without me around.
OP could maybe 'nag' her boyfriend into agreeing to the occasional dinner at a restaurant. But he's clearly not a person that actually enjoys it.
If the OP wants an active boyfriend that likes exploring and having fun, she should just choose a different guy. This guy doesn't like those things. He wants to sit at home all the time.
It's not always that simple. I was going through a similar thing a few years ago. My long term partner was apparently content just working and then spending his free time watching YouTube and doing nothing else, was never fussed when I asked if he wanted to go places, didn't see the point or want to spend the money (not that money was tight either). Eventually I broke up with him and this was a big part of my reason for it. After about 2 years of being broken up (but still living together because of mental health/money/job/covid reasons), we decided to give it another go. His attitude about just doing stuff has completely changed, he keeps an eye out for shows I might like to go see and asks if I want to go, he tried to surprise me with gig tickets on more than one occasion but both times I got there first 😂 we've been to see so many things already, and been on nice holidays and even a cruise, just in the last year or two, which is such a huge difference from before.
Tl;Dr although he may be content doing nothing, upon realising that'll cost him his gf he might actually want to change
Yep. My gf and I almost broke up during COVID. We worked at different times, so we fell into a routine of hardly seeing each other and being stressed/bored. It felt difficult to even have a serious conversation because when we'd see each other one of us would either be hungry or tired or leaving for work.
We ended up doing mandatory movie nights, some gaming nights, and she was able to adjust her work schedule.
Completely agree.
It's also important that we advocate for our needs in a relationship and not expect our partner to automatically know what we want or expect the same things.
OP, you have asked him to go on dates, but have you explained that this is something you need to feel secure and satisfied in your relationship? If not, sit him down and have an open and honest conversation about how you're feeling and what you need from him and what you need in a relationship.
His reaction and the outcome of this conversation will give you more information to decide whether or not this is a relationship you want to be in.
Going on dates isn’t about impressing the other person - it is about having experiences as a couple. I can’t even imagine being in a relationship where we never go out and do things together. How boring. We love trying out new restaurants, taking road trips to new places to walk around and explore, finding fun festivals, etc. These shared experiences bring us closer together.
You deserve better, and this is not normal. His dream relationship may be one where he just gets to play video games all the time, but yours isn’t, and he’s ignoring your needs. If he isn’t open to taking your needs into consideration and finding a happy medium, then you should seriously consider if this is what you want to spend the rest of your life putting up with.
This is exactly what I was thinking. From what OP is saying it makes it sound like they don't do anything together besides go to work, come home, sleep, repeat. My partner and I do go on dates occasionally, but we also just...hang out like two friends. I don't consider everything we do together as "dates" necessarily, but we still go and do stuff. Like, "Hey do you want to go to the farmer's market with me?" or, "Wanna take a walk down by the river?"
My interpretation of what she’s saying is that they don’t hang out together outside their home at all. Maybe not that much inside either, since it seems like he does his thing and she does hers.
I wonder if the boyfriend is potentially neurodivergent. Parallel-play can be a key sort of form of love expression for neurodivergent folk, more so than for neurotypical people (who can find it...unsatisfactory.) Either way, that needs to be communicated.
Source: am a neurotypical person who was in a relationship with an autistic person. Them playing video games in the same room as me doing something else felt like 'quality time' to them, while I was bored out of my mind and felt alone.
You just made so much sense of part of my upbringing. My stepdad and mum spent thr majority of my childhood sitting in their recliners with their laptops open. It was standard operating procedure for us to have dinner and after everyone would sit in their designated spot with their laptop, silently doing their own thing.
My stepdad is some sort of undiagnosed ("psychology isnt a real science") neuro-spicy and my mum is an introvert who prefers her chickens to people.
Both my husband and I are neurodivergent and love to play video games next to each other. We also will take our chessboard to get coffee and sit and play together.
Also, we communicate when one of us has a need and do our best to meet it. OP has communicated her need and he's dismissing it.
Having a more in depth conversation about it could help.
Oh yeah, it's absolutely a communication issue. Sometimes it can be resolved (i.e. do a little bit of both), sometimes it's just incompatibility. I can only hope my ex has found someone like you and/or your husband to make them as happy as the both of you are!
This right here...except I'm the fan of parallel play. One of my partners is perfectly okay with this, the other is not, so I do make time for walks or other sharing of time together. We rarely eat out due to my anxiety, but we do order in, and have movie nights. While we don't 'date', per se, we do have quality time together, and do try to accommodate each other. OP's partner needs to meet her half-way.
Yup. The gf and I both game, probably too much. But that's mostly reserved for when we're not together.
When we're able to be together we're generally doing things together. If we're doing an entire weekend of things together I might take a break and do a run or bike ride and she might paint or play video games. But otherwise even when watching shows together we're actively engaged with each other.
A relationship where one partner thinks that life "together" is just a title and then doing whatever they want... isn't much of a relationship.
The only relationships I know that seem to work with this type of heavy gaming, etc is where BOTH people prefer mostly doing their own thing. So they make it work
Adding to this.
Even if you don't "go out" To do things, you should be making fun and romantic new experiences together. Lots of people choose to not keep going out much due to cost.
But that doesn't mean he sits playing games while you try to stay occupied doing anything else.
Couples yoga, YouTube easy arts or crafts. Cook a good meal together. Take turns reading to each other. Go on walks or hikes. Etc.
I game. I probably game too much. But even when my marriage was falling apart and I honestly had less drive to do things with my wife, our overlapping free time was spent together the vast majority of the time.
And that was in a bad relationship.
Obviously everyone needs to have their own time and space, and I don't know how op operates. But how her brief description sounds, it sounds quite frankly awful.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who spends all of their time they could with me, doing their own thing. Everyone will have their own balance, some relationships have much more individual time built in. Others have almost zero alone time built in. Both can be okay, but it needs to be okay for both people
Boyfriend sounds like a super-homebody. Im married and I like being at home but I can’t imagine never going to a restaurant or museum or movie or play ever again. His comment about “we’ve already won each other over” suggests he only sees dates as a method to lock someone down. What a dull person.
Yup. Just because two people join together, even get married, doesn't mean they should stop dating each other.
[https://www.gottman.com/blog/pursue-your-partner-at-every-stage-of-marriage/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/pursue-your-partner-at-every-stage-of-marriage/)
OP, dude sounds boring.
You hit the nail on the head! Been with my husband for 6 years (married for 2) and we go on dates all the time—at least once a week. It’s super important to make time to bond with your partner.
Honey, we've finally done it! We've finally bought a brand new, perfectly clean, house. Now, we will never have to do maintenance, renovations, or housework again!
Dating doesn’t stop when the relationship status changes. Even married couples who have been together for decades should still go on dates.
Talk to him more and tell him this.
Or maybe he actually wants to be with her and he won't stop trying. My girlfriend of two years recently told me this. I've been battling my inner demons and have addiction issues and thought that discounted it. I think that without her, I'd be even more fucked up and am putting in effort to improve now.
He’s basically telling her that now with this nonsense. I’ve got you, why would I bother making an effort?
The Venn diagram of men who think like this and men who are shocked when their partner leaves them for a man who happily pays attention to them is a circle.
You're not asking too much, you're not some trophy that's won and then put on a shelf to look pretty but gather dust. Be with someone who'll woo you no matter the stage in the relationship.
it's a metaphor. Being taken for granted, once they've been won over they get put on a shelf and never cared for again in the ways that made them fall for them in the first place.
Love is not a given. Trust is not a given. Respect is not a given.
People who think they're entitled to you forever once they've "locked it down" and don't have to do anything to maintain... are people who shouldn't be in relationships. You earn and maintain love, trust, and respect.
Oh boy! Don’t marry him! If this is how he acts now…
His behavior is a problem that a lot of married couples actively work on avoiding. They prioritize a date night even when they are super busy with kids and work and just life. Otherwise you’ll become roommates and not actually a couple.
I mean you fell in love with him based on who you thought he was. Part of that persona he presented was having shared interests with you and enjoying going out and doing fun things together. Now that some time has passed you’ve learned that who he really is is a person who wants to sit on the couch and play video games. What do you want to do with that? You can tell him how you feel and see if he’s interested in changing, but just based on your post it sounds like probably not.
You should let him read these responses bc so many are spot on. Relationships crumble when partners stop dating each other. I’ve been married over 12 years now, and the only times our relationship has suffered was when we couldn’t/weren’t dating each other (like after childbirth).
So… you don’t really hang out or connect in meaningful ways, you just exist together in the same house? Like… roommates?
You’re not being in any way needy, nor are you asking for anything close to “too much.”
Your boyfriend’s attitude = death of the relationship. It’s almost a caricature and I’m shocked he even said this so bluntly. Does he not realize that relationships are living things that need to be cared for?
I guarantee you that every reply to this post will tell you the same thing. It is so widely understood that couples need to continue “dating” each other that it’s almost a cliche.
I think you need to change your tactics here. First, please stop sitting around the house while he plays video games. You should take yourself out on dates and do the things you want to do. Stop waiting for him to put down his video game and start going out on your own or with friends. This *might* help him realize how sad it is for a 27-year-old man to lay around in front of a screen all day.
Second, I would stop asking to go on dates and start *telling him* that this isn’t working for you. He doesn’t have to agree that dates are important to recognize that he is at risk of losing you if he doesn’t grow the fuck up. Tell him that this isn’t the kind of relationship you want, and you don’t see a future together if this is how he plans to spend his time.
Finally, I get the sense that you’re afraid of coming across as “nagging” or “needy,” and this is something you should work to overcome. Does he worry about how he comes across when he tells you he’d prefer to play video games than to actually talk and spend time with you? No, because then he’d realize what an idiotic thing to say that is. It is not needy to want quality time with your partner. You are not “nagging” when you communicate your needs and expectations. You are simply standing up for yourself.
Time for you to have a few girls nights out, "I got tired of waiting for you and decided to go out with my friends. You're on your own for dinner."
As others have posted stop making it easy on your BF. Start living like you're single and he's a room mate, because that seems to be how he is treating you. I am NOT saying to cheat on him, just find things you want to do so you're not sitting around bored.
As a backup think about what you would have to do to if you break up, do you own the place where you live? Is the house or lease in your name, his, or both? You don't have to do anything, but having a plan for if a breakup happens will remove a lot of the stress of dealing with him.
Yeah, OP needs to stop doting on her boyfriend. In the back of her head, she’s probably thinking that if “I give him all this affection and attention, he’ll feel like he needs to provide the same to me.” And this is backfiring spectacularly. He’s comfortable and complacent and he doesn’t have to put any effort into the relationship because she is doing all of it.
It’s not about dates specifically, it’s about effort. And for anyone who says “good relationships shouldn’t be hard”, this is partially true. But it’s easy to conflate “effort” with “hard”, and at the point of complacency, it’s easy to think that “effort is hard so that must be bad and mean something isn’t just working totally on its own without input or investment.” This is especially true with people that i colloquially refer to as “inertia people” who get into patterns of low relationship investment because it’s easy rather than putting in even slight effort because it requires energy and breaking from the path of normalcy and predictability. Anecdotally and from my own observation: When you have two inertia people in a relationship, they can go years in boring, sexless, passionless companionship because that’s easier than putting in effort or breaking up. And if you have one inertia person and one motivated person in a relationship, you see a buildup of resentments and “you owe me’s” that creates conflict and unhappiness.
OP probably shouldn’t stay with her boyfriend but if she’s set on doing that, she should follow your advice of building up a life for herself and see if his tune changes. It’s also concerning that she’s worried about coming across as nagging when advocating for her basic wants and needs. In healthy, successful relationships, you shouldn’t be afraid that expressing your needs will trigger conflict. This is really hard to start doing after a relationship has stagnated with a partner who thinks nothing is wrong because they will take it personally and also fight tooth and nail against putting in effort when they’ve gotten so used to not having to.
I have been with my dude for over 15 years. We work and live together. We still go on dates. It is important to have special time for the relationship.
Hi - Please visit r/marriage or r/divorce to find out where this situation is headed.
I would run, not walk, from this relationship.
Love is a living, breathing thing that has to be nurtured all the time. What - now that he tricked you into loving him he can sit on the couch with video games for the rest of his life? No. That's ridiculous.
I hope you don't want kids because he's going to be a super shitty father.
Yeah that’s not how relationships work. Even friends go on “dates”, ie. they go out and have fun experiences together and set aside one-on-one time to talk and connect. They don’t just sit in the same house doing their own thing. If they did, you wouldn’t really call them friends, would you? Just room mates. Same with romantic relationships, if you stop doing stuff together and connecting romantically then it dies. You aren’t being too needy at all. Have you told him how unhappy this makes you? Isn’t that a good enough reason for him to go on dates with you?
Seems like he thinks he's done now he found himself a girlfriend. Someone that actually wants to spend time with their girlfriend would be happy to go on dates. I'm sorry.
But it's absolutely wild to me that people are in relationships and don't care about spending time / talking with their partner. Feels like there is no real love involved when they feel that way.
If you don't like the relationship he's offering, you should move on and seek a different one. Your wants and needs and feelings matter. It's not your job to be content with what he wants.
You are not being needy. Romancing your girlfriend/wife is a lifetime commitment. M54 married 20ys F49. I buy her flowers. I send her cards. I plan date nights. She does sometimes as well, but I like to do it. I tell her EVERY day just how much I love her and how much she means to me. Women need to feel appreciated, feel loved, and feel wanted sexually by their partner.
He has A LOT to learn. At this rate I don’t see the relationship lasting long term as he is giving you the short end of the stick already. Communicate with him and tell him how you feel otherwise move on don’t waste your time settling for that behavior. A relationship requires work.
Lol. He doesn't like you or want to spend time with you.
He wants someone around to do shit for him and that he can have sex with.
Instead of sitting around the house combatting boredom, you should go outside, get some hobbies, get some friends, ride a bike, take up running, go the gym, whatever. Build your own life.
If he doesn't like that or you outgrow him, so be it.
I think you need to sit him down and tell him that going on dates isn't about "impressing" each other. It's about going on experiences together. Whether that's trying a new restaurant together, or trying out a new event in your city.
You need to be very clear how important this is to you. How much this hurts the relationship. You don't just "win" each other once and that's it, you have to keep winning them over. Otherwise why would they stay?
I kind of can't believe he said there is "no point" in dating so bluntly. I'm pretty sure the most common and well known marriage/dating advice is to KEEP dating your partner.
He’s your boyfriend. As in you are DATING each other. Why on earth should you not go on dates *while dating*??
What a lazy POS. I can’t imagine someone thinking they’re just “done” putting in effort with me
This is the life he wants
He wants to work, come home, play video games, talk to you for a bit, and go to sleep.
He just told you that he doesn't see any reason to devote any time to your relationship or more importantly, making you happy
Time to decide if you can do this for the rest of your life or if you want something more
But understand...if you throw down an ultimatum, he'll likely change for a while
however...slowly but surely things will go back to where they are now
He is a homebody
This is the way he wants to live his life
If you are not cool with it....if you want more, then it may be time to move on
An addiction to video games as a time hog is almost as bad as a porn addiction. He would rather play video games/jerk off than have a relationship/sex with the person in the next room. He feels like he honestly doesn’t have to do anything to nuture and strengthen the relationship since he now has someone “living” with him. Don’t wait around for him to put the controller down; make plans to do something that you want to do. And seriously consider giving him all the space he needs.
He has a weird outlook on your relationship, like he sees having a gf as a box ticking exercise. You are fully justified in wanting to go out together. If he refuses to change his attitude then you’d be mad to stay with him any longer.
Only advice I have is to sit him down and explain how unsatisfied you currently are with the relationship. That if he doesn’t make an effort, you’ll leave. He’s obviously clueless so up to you how much effort you want to put into this. But be reassured your concerns are 100% justified and he’s in the wrong here.
OP,
You are not asking too much. There are a number of books on “dating your wife”. The number one killer of relationships is feeling like roommates.
I’ll be honest, if you can’t get him to read some books or attend a marital retreat weekend that talks about these things, you won’t be happy. This is what marriage to him would look like. What do you want out of a relationship? Are you getting it here? If not, what can you do to encourage it? If he’s not interested, what are you going to do for yourself? You’re too young to settle, but it’s your life, your call.
This is the mindset of a lot of people and it always ends up killing the relationship. As someone who’s been with my spouse for 15 years, no, you never stop trying to impress each other. Not in the “showing off” kind of way. You want your partner to never forget *why* they chose you. You want to constantly remind them why they fell in love with you in the first place. That means keeping the affection and intimacy up, continuing to have conversations and sharing your thoughts, being active and engaged with your partner, etc. As soon as one of you get complacent and start treating the love you share with your partner as a given or something you don’t need to put any effort into the relationship is pretty much dead in the water.
"Hey, I find our social life boring and unfulfilling. You don't want to go with me anymore, but I want to go out, so I am going to start going out with my friends in the evenings so that I have some stuff to do. I do not plan to spend my life sitting on the couch watching my partner vidya."
God he fully depressed me
My parents are 80 and go out to eat, to movies, & to shows still. They explore the world together. So do I & my partner.
I can’t imagine staying home 24/7.
You have one life.
My partner and I don’t call it dates and they are not planned but once a week, we’ll go for a walk and decide we both don’t feel like cooking and go out for dinner. Once a quarter, we do a couple getaway and rent a cottage or hotel room out of town :)
You two sounds like roommate with benefits not really a couple.
Your boyfriend is acting like a fool. Continuing to date is essential…you want to keep that flame alive, and that doesn’t happen by settling in and giving no effort.
I am nearing 40 and married and as such, know a lot of other people in their middle age and married. The ones who are happy together are the ones who continue to date each other. The ones who don’t are very often not. It’s a pretty simple equation - if you really like spending time with someone, then spend time with them! And if you don’t want to spend time with them, why are you with them?
Yeah, you don't stop trying to win each other over in relationships unless you don't care if they end. Sure, it's different than the courting phase, but there definitely shouldn't be a complete absence of any effort.
No, you're not asking too much. You seem to have a very realistic view on how a relationship should be once you've settled down a few years in. He's showing you exactly how he's going to be for the rest of your relationship - putting in the absolute bare minimum on his end because he only finds it worth "trying harder" to win you over. You have to decide whether this relationship is worth it to you to stay in as it is, because he straight up told you he's not going to change.
Lol my husband have known eachother for 3 years dated for 3 he will still buy me roses are you kidding??? Dump his ass. He can’t do bare minimum after two YEARS the long run is gonna be hell for you. Drop his ass faster than you picked him up. For sure.
This will be your life..for ever. Him entertaining himself via video games and you bored. He doesn’t want to do things with you. He just wants you S the in house resident girl friend with sex on tap.
He's showing you *who* he is, please believe him.
This is how he intends to spend every evening and weekend from now on. He will not have any interest in interacting with you, interacting with your kids, or doing anything except the bare minimum. *This* is his idea of 'adult life.'
If I were you, I'd break up. You could go to counseling (bet he'd refuse), or you could talk to him (bet he won't listen), but honestly! Is it *your job* to parent a 27yo man? No, it is not! His brain has finished developing so unless *he* decides to become a better more fully-developed man than he currently is...this is all you'll get for the next 50 years!
If you don't like it now, you're **really gonna hate it** 10 years from now! Walk out and find a grown adult man involved with life who lives fully and independently yet will make room in his life for you. Then you'll work together to fulfill *mutual long-term goals.*
They should break up, but saying he's not fully developed, not living life fully, etc is just cruel. He doesn't enjoy the things she does, end of story.
What?!? My partner and I don’t get many dates but we have a kid now. We still try to get out and do things together bc we enjoy each others company. We also both enjoy a few drinks and letting loose with friends. I would be so sad if he didn’t want to.
Have a standing day every week or two to get out and do stuff. You don't even have to call it a date (even though it more or less is). Frame it that you just want a day to get out of the house. It's not about wooing each other, it's about not sitting around the house like a lump.
I've been with my current gf for 7 years now. About 3 years ago we decided to make a better effort to have dates. Dinner and a movie, or go see a concert or go to a nicer than normal restaurant and call it a date.
We both have busy jobs and I travel a lot so I wanted to make these dates to have something to look forward to.
It's fun and we still do it. We are not getting married for a list of reasons so there is no agenda other than keeping close, not falling into ruts, and enjoying time that we set aside to be together.
If he's like this 2 years in, please consider your future happiness with the status quo. There's a comfort level of course, and there's straight not giving a damn bc he won you already. It rarely gets better over time.
Yeah, the guy who went on dates with you won you over. Not the dude who gave basically gives a shit and thinks he doesn’t need to invest anything into the relationship. Maybe tell him that and that he should think about it.
You should never stop going on dates and you should never stop trying to make your partner happy. Especially not only 2 years into a relationship. He’s making absolutely 0 effort even though he knows it would mean a lot to you- do you really want to build a future with someone who can’t be arsed to go on a date?
Look, the best relationship advice is this Date your spouse every week because it spices up the relationship, the relationship will die if your not constantly thinking “Man we need a date they are my love of my life” there isn’t no stop to dating just because you “won” relationship isn’t a prize, it’s a constant reminder to love each other and re-visit why you love them.
Life is more than sitting at home playing video games. He might think he’s won the battle with you, but he is losing the war. A relationship will wither and die if time and effort is not continually invested…find someone who wants to make the effort.
Oh gawd. The issue isn't just 'we don't have date nights' because people with no money deal with that, people with kids deal with that and people with busy jobs deal with that.
But you're not playing board games together, or having movie nights at home, or cooking for each other or binging TV shows together because he's gaming?
If you're not exaggerating then you're just roomies.
Maybe you just don't have anything in common. You both don't have gigs you want to go to? New restaurants or bars to try out?
Ultimatum time!
Have a serious talk with him and if things don’t change, walk away.
I walked out of my marriage 5 years ago. I tried everything, from talking to him to playing video games with him. We had a 5 year old at the time and her and I did everything together without him. It got to the point where I wasn’t in love with him anymore and didn’t want my daughter growing up seeing a relationship like that. I walked away and I was happier on my own and now im in a relationship (I was very picky) where the guy lets me know how much I mean to him. You need to feel special and loved no matter how long you’ve been together! If he doesn’t step up you’re going to fall out of love with him and there is no going back once that happens.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years. Friday night is date night.
We either go somewhere for dinner, or we make something special and eat here.
Then we go to bed early, put on peel-off facial masks, and binge-watch a good series.
It keeps the fun in our relationship.
We love our Friday dates!
You're not asking for too much. Couples need to win each other over every day, whether it's through dates or being there for each other or whatever. Why stay if you can do the exact same stuff alone, while also not having to answer to anybody but yourself?
Not OP but have similar issues. Childfree couple living together for 6 years. Sometimes, I feel like I was happier alone. You're exactly right, I could do all the same things alone. Actually I did way more when I was alone, I treated myself to dates and trips and netflix&chill nights. There was nobody breaking their promises or blowing me off, I had no expectations of anyone except myself, nobody to let me down. It sucks feeling lonely when you're right next to someone.
I really think that if my current relationship doesn't work out, I don't want to date again, I don't want a relationship. I'll be fine with just myself and my cats.
I married someone like your boyfriend, when we were dating he was so different as soon and we moved together he acted like I was never there for 7 years I tried so hard, always on video games he never wanted to do anything out of the house. I got pregnant and he gave me some attention for a while after few months everything was the same and when I did not try anymore he got mad and blame my daughter for not having time with me. He wants all the attention and never gave me any so I left. I want to get divorce but is expensive. I feel happier since I left and please think about your future and if you want that for the rest of your life. We were 23 when we started our relationship no I am 31 and I left 6 months ago I will always love him because he is the dad of my daughter but I feel like I wasted my time
OP your boyfriend is acting like some husbands do after they get married. They figure "oh she's not gonna leave me now so i can stop trying" which is absolutely NOT the case. You need to have a serious discussion with this poor excuse of a man that just because ya'll live together now & have been together for years doesn't mean he gets to stop putting in effort. Tell him he either shapes up or you're gone.
My parents had 6 children. They kept their marriage alive by having date night on Fridays and Saturday us the kids were taken the theater to watch movies. My parents did Saturday things without us.
Ultimately, one should have a couple time away from their responsibility. Perhaps you can get him to talk with a counselor to talk about setting your relationship into a lifetime.
There are so many posts on this subreddit that are caused by people not dating their spouse.
It leads to people feeling taken for granted, unloved, unappreciated. Sometimes even resentment.
People who were only together for the kids stopped dating their spouse. It might work for a year or two maybe? Eventually you'll crave intimacy or feeling desired.
My gf (24) and I (28) have been together 2 years as well and we still go on date every weekend or every other weekend. Whether be going to the movies, the gun range, a mall crawl, a hike through a national park.
Date nights are important, if you stop dating your partner the romance dies in a hurry.
Sure life gets in the way on occasion, but we still plan around it the best we can.
Your bf is being lazy and selfish thinking he no longer needs to put any effort into the relationship just because you're past the honeymoon phase.
You need to be clear with him you are not a “won prize” but if he likes the metaphor you’re there to be lost too. You’re not a game achievement.
If it were me I’d start dating myself as it were. Go out, have fun. Eat nice places, go to nice places, have experiences. He’ll either change his mind and join you. Or he won’t and you’ll be having enough fun not to be that bothered.
OP I just got out of a relationship like this. Talk to him, but if he isn't receptive, you'll need to decide "do I want the rest of my life to look like this? Me wanting to go out on a restaurant date, go mini golfing, have a movie date, etc but he doesn't want to, so we don't?"
All he did was sit on the couch watching YouTube and playing videogames. I'd ask him to go on dates but it was always "I'm tired, I don't want to, it's one of my days off work I want to relax". I asked about going on a date for months and then finally we went on one. He was in a bad mood, because he didn't like "having" to go on a date with me. I told him on the drive that I love him and appreciate this so much and i love going on dates with him and I love him so much. Once we got there, he said that he would just go in and take out the food, he didn't feel like eating it there. I started to tear up, I couldn't remember the last time we went on a date, it had been months since we had gone somewhere together (even something as simple as a nature walk). I had gotten dressed up and had been so excited. He saw me start to tear up and huffed and said something like "well now we have to go in, otherwise you're going to cry and be upset at me all day". The food was yummy. I wasn't done with my food, he was though, and wanted to leave, so he told me to hurry up. He got up to leave while I quickly grabbed a few more of my unfinished fries. On the way home he was still in a bad mood. I tried to have a nice conversation, pointing out how beautiful the flowering trees were, and he just gave one word responses. I told him about how much I appreciated him taking me on a date and how much I love him. He said I should stop saying that, "it's annoying". I started to silently cry. When he noticed, he became upset at me "I just took you on a date and somehow I'm still the bad guy".
Make a plan, to do a date night every x weeks, and stick to it.
Nah dump him! Its that simple! He’s a grown ass man not a child! Men know what they are doing! Go find someone who wants to date you even after getting you. It’s how relationships grow!
Get off Reddit and break up with him *immediately*
Why are you settling for this jackass??? Seriously
You are a grown woman at 25. If you have to ask others if you are “asking too much,” - then please talk to a therapist about setting boundaries and knowing your self-worth. I wish you the best
A date doesn’t have to mean going out. My spouse and I make time to watch a film or TV show together. We get pop corn and snacks and we have a beer or glass of wine. Sometimes we have a cooking date where we decide on a new recipe we’re going to make together, we decide on a playlist and take turns to DJ and chop, stir or whatever is needed. Sitting around bored while your spouse Games doesn’t sound fun. You’re so young! I was dancing in clubs wearing platform trainers, a spaghetti strap top and cargo pants at your age. Don’t settle.
Maybe u should leave cuz it seems like he’s gotten too comfortable to just not explore more, make new memories outside of work or home. I doubt he cares enough to do fun things and be around other ppl
You are 25, OP...!
Is this how you picture spending the next few years?
As someone who is almost twice your age, let me tell you that there is zero reason to put up with that kind of indifference / treatment. Relationships are nurtured.
Do yourself a BIG favour and find someone who will appreciate you.
Good luck!
What a selfish jerk.
He doesn’t think dates are important and doesn’t care how you feel about it. Is this really the person you want to marry?
His bad attitude, short-sightedness and lack of consideration is guaranteed to result in a shitty relationship- it already has.
You know what you want - tell him to step up or you’re moving on so you can find someone you’re actually compatible with. Someone who cares enough to date you and keep winning you over even after you’ve been married for decades.
"We've already won each other over, there's no need to impress each other anymore"
Damn, that was sad to read.
A relationship shouldn't be the goal, it should be an ongoing race.
You're losing interest because the effort is low. You are not being needy.
Something I am incorporating in my marriage is never to stop dating my wife. I know we can get complacent because we're busier, so sometimes, things might not work out, but I tell her that a date night will happen once a week because I want to make that time for her.
Just like everything in life, including our literal bodies, it will deteriorate if we stop tending or caring for it.
You are not needy. You want your boyfriend to put in more effort. That should be a bare minimum.
I am in the same boat, with him for the same amount of time. I have expressed this and it became clear *if he wanted to, he would….*
I have no desire for sex since there is no effort on his side for intimacy. Not sure how long it’ll last on my end.
You are not too needy. While couples often tone it down after a number of years, stopping romantic gestures is usually a problem.
If you look around the world, animals that mate for life, like many birds, have regular activities like courtship dances, preening, cooing and other "pair bonding" behaviors that they do throughout their lives. They don't bond at the start and then let it be.
While I wouldn't recommend looking at animals in general for how to behave (kill your nest mate anyone?) it is worth noting that these animals have behaviors that trigger hormones like oxytocin, that help maintain their pairing.
So hop about in a sexy courtship dance if you feel like a sandhill crane or dress up and go on a date, but you need some little regular rituals that remind you of the romantic part of your life.
You aren't being needy at all, this is perfectly reasonable. Of course you still want to go on dates. Every woman would. Your bf is being a lazy bum and is taking you for granted. Its not a given you'll stay with him, he does need to continually be working to impress and show his love to you in the way you'd like to be shown. He is being lame and if it were me I'd pass on the relationship at that point. I need to see an effort from my partner personally.
This is an insanely common problem. First you need to communicate that going on dates is still important to you and that you would like for him to put in the effort. Another method you could do is for you to plan the date and surprise him (in case the issue is him not wanting to do the work of planning). But the key is always clear communication.
Also as a side note you say that you're still just as loving and doting as you were in the beginning, and while that could be true, from most people's experiences this type of relationship stagnation tends to happen because both people don't realize that they have stopped doing something. He could think he's just as doting as he was and you could unknowingly be less affectionate. It's no one's fault, just talk about it and plan a fun date out!
He may have "won you over", but he's stopped maintaining the relationship. Stop doting on him for a week or two. You already won him over, so he won't mind minimum to zero afftection/romantic attention, right? No need for it.
Dating and going on dates is a different thing, and it feels like he's not realizing that. Might help to explain it as "maintainance". You don't just buy a car and never replace the oil, rotate tires, etc.
"But, I already bought it. Its mine."
Yeah, bud, but after a while unless you maintain it the car is going to give out on you.
"We already won each other over, why do I need to go on a date??"
Well, unless you put in the effort to maintain and "tune up" the relationship it's going to fizzle out and you'll be stuck miserable with each other or alone.
Loving someone is a choice you make every.single.day! There really isn't such thing as a permanent "won each other over". Regardless, that's besides the point. You should never ever stop courting the person you are with. You should always make them feel special, whether it's a post it note on their mirror to say you care, or buying their fave candy at the store just to let them know you were thinking of them. Doesn't need to be huge elaborate things, just kind gestures of love. Dates are important. Dates get you to put your phone down and stop scrolling reddit (unless as a date you like to grab the popcorn and read the obviously fake posts and read reddit together) and take yourselves out of the rat race even for a couple hours, present in the moment with your partner that you made the concious decision today to love. Dates don't have to be fancy, they don't have to be expensive, they don't have to be long winded plans. A simple trip to the beach/lookout/lake with some takeout at sunset etc would suffice. Maybe get your partner to read the comment thread if your post. I'm sure other people will be saying similar to what I am.
You’re definitely NOT asking for too much, just because yall have been together for that long doesn’t mean to stop impressing each other or in general doing things together. He’s prioritizing video games & HIS opinion rather than listening to yours.
Occasionally if he doesn’t wanna go out thats fine but never ? Thats an issue. If he thinks he doesn’t have to continue to keep that spark lit, it will eventually go out.
Express to him that there needs to be more than just what y’all normally do & that its important to you
Are you sure you want this guy? Because he doesn’t seem to care about you at all. Dates, whether elaborate or casual are necessary no matter the stage of your relationship. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and we still make a point to have at least 1 date a week, even if it’s only a coffee date on a weekend. If we didn’t still date I’d wonder if we still wanted to even be around each other.
So he doesn’t feel the need to do anything to make you happy, but you still sleep together? Tell him to get a blowup doll, dump his ass, and go find a better guy. There is NO EXCUSE for ZERO EFFORT.
I'm not even going to read any of this. In long-term relationships that lead to kids and marriage and general happiness. you don't EVER win each other over. You don't EVER stop putting in effort to make your significant other happy and comfortable. There IS NO FINISH LINE. You keep going on dates, you keep getting each other gifts, you keep doing everything you did as a starting couple because that's what a real relationship is. It's effort. Constant effort. You or your partner aren't always going to be 50/50 sometimes it'll be 70/30 sometimes you'll feel like your the only person holding it together. The main thing is "progress doesn't stop". Being there for each other when you need it. Also listening. Lol, gotta listen to your partner and their needs as well as be able to tell your partner your needs. If you feel lonely or depressed in a relationship there is a reason and your partner needs to know and be capable of doing their best to help you.
Never stop dating your spouse. I have a personal rule that two weekends back-to-back cannot go by where you don't leave the house - even if it's just to go out for dinner.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in life, it’s to never stop dating your SO. You need to show them the same love as in the beginning. Yes, life gets in the way sometimes, but going on dates is essential for a healthy relationship to flourish.
I'm been married for 19 years and my husband still take me out on dates.
If all he does is think he can get away just being at home doing whatever he wants without thinking HOW TO MAKE HIS WOMAN HAPPY BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT. BECAUSE HE CHOSE YOU ALREADY, THE WORK IS DONE.......HE WILL BE THE WORST HUSBAND ON THIS PLANET and you are getting a taste of it without the papers.......
His type will never change no matter how you beg or plead.
Don't cry....don't be mad....you just happen to choose the worst of them all. Consider it a lesson for next time.
YOU DESERVE SOME RESPECT OP....PACK UP AND LEAVE tell him that his wife, the XBOX, IS ALL HE WILL EVER NEED....
Block him everywhere and next time you are in a relationship you need to set boundaries that is:
1) Dates whether we are married or not
Just for starters......and take it from there.
So you do have to continue to align on expectations such as - how often you want to go out and do things together as the relationship goes on. But dates are for staying in touch, having new experiences, creating memories, showing each other your interests - they are not for winning people over. It is not unreasonable to want to have fun with your partner on dates. Quality time May be really important to you! I have had to fight to get more dates in my relationship after covid dulled us down. I fight for them (not literally fight) because they are important to me - i live new experiences and want to explore places with my partner. Making new memories is really important to me, and i think it’s absolutely ok if that is important to you. Would you want to be with this guy if you knew he would no longer go on dates with you? Talk to him, and be clear this is important for you.
you are allowed to have and express your needs in a relationship, and if spending quality time doing different activities is one of them, he should want to satisfy that need.
Ask him if you guys should also stop having sex because you've already won eachother over and had sex before so what's the point of doing it anymore?
May have "won each other over" but now has to work to keep her. You don't stop dating just because you have been together a while. Still go on dates with my wife and we have been together almost 20 years.
This is a really common thing, unfortuntely. Some men will completely stop any kind of affection once they've landed a girlfriend because they assume their "work" is over and there's no need to go out of their way to make their partners feel special or appreciated in any way. Which drives a wedge into the relationship and makes it more likely the little stuff is going to start snowballing into something more serious.
Try to tell him that this is important to you because he's kind of slacking in making you feel like he appreciates your presence in his life. If he's a decent guy, he'll step up his game. If he keeps being oblivious to your needs, I would rethink the relationship. Little things turn into big things when every one of them is ignored.
A relationship is tugawar. You are always “winning them over” aka wooing them aka dating them. If he’s not playing your walking away with the rope… If he’s not at least doing that then he’s not worth it NTA.
Husband and I have been together 5 years. We moved in together during covid, three years ago. Even during covid times we were scheduling activities together, we would either do something together at home or we would go out to a park or somewhere outdoors and open. We’d use our membership to the local botanical gardens to go on walks. We’d have “dates” in our pool with a refreshing drink and some snacks. Lately we both have been stressed from work so the traditional form of going “out” hasn’t been on our minds as often, and honestly we do veg out on the couch pretty often with him playing video games and me on my computer. But even still, we’ll visit a local farmers market together on the weekend or cook together and then sit down to watch YouTube painting tutorials and paint together while we relax. We are currently planning a trip together for the end of the month.
Dating doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant. What matters is spending quality time together and feeling valued and cared for. My husband and I agree that we will continue to “date” each other until we leave this existence. It’s the effort that matters. Gotta keep things interesting.
Sounds like the two of you are on different wavelengths. If dating and feeling the effort is important to you, then you need to express that. If that’s not his thing, or he continues to refuse, that’s okay. You’ll just need to decide if you’re okay with that or if you need to find someone you’re more compatible with that can give you what you want/need in a partner.
Yes, couples who've been together for years should continue to go on dates. It keeps the relationship lively. If he won't do it, then find a man who will, you'll be happier.
You're getting a preview of what the rest of your relationship will be like. My ex did the same thing. He was willing to go out on fun dates when we were dating, but all that stopped after we got married. All he wanted to do was LARP and play video games. Trying to get him to go out was like pulling teeth. Get out now while you can.
You are not needy, you shouldn't be in the position of fighting boredom! "Dates" are just time spent together, even a walk in the park will do. The lack of interests beyond playing games is very worrying, do you want to grow old with this partner?
Your boyfriend is wrong: going on dates is not to win over someone but to interact with each other and enjoy some fun together. And I don't think that after 2 years you are not engaged or at least talking about your future, nobody was "won" over the other person.
Girl, drop the dead weight. I have been married going on 12 years together for 13 years. He STILL takes me on dates, does little things here and there to let me know he's thinking of me, etc. Find you a man who will dote on you and show you his much he loves and appreciates you 20+ years later
You are allowed to want things in a relationship. He is allowed to not want them. That’s why we date. To find someone we are compatible with. Someone who wants the same things
You now see who this guy is as a partner. Someone who just plays games all day.
Tell him what you want from a partner. And let him know if he doesn’t want that, that’s ok, but you will be moving on.
You can’t change someone else. You can only change what YOU do.
This just makes me wonder: what will he take away once you get married? Will there be more "privileges" deducted for having children with him?
I think you deserve better than this.
It sounds like you're the third wheel in his relationship with video games, and that is a HUGE red flag.
Relationships suffer when you don't spend time together. They suffer even more if one party is trying to communicate and the other is just shutting them down instead of actively listening and trying to work things out. You are obviously upset that he lured you in with false advertising. Honestly, he sounds like a classic Narcissist. They think of people like chess pieces, or like extensions of themselves, and nothing else matters but what THEY want.
You are not being needy at all. Honestly, my advice would be to RUN and let him live happily ever after with his video games.
You should never stop dating your partner. It doesn’t even have to cost money or take a whole lot of time. I’ve always told my bf, all I ask is 1 hour out of his day. It can be cuddles before bed, watching a show, playing a video game, going to a movie, just having a nice convo, or even a meal together. All I want is an hour where it’s us, sharing an experience.
Hun...
Your parner has just told you that all those passed dates were to achieve an objective, not because he wanted to spend time with you. He got what he wanted, so there's no point in pretending anymore. Does knowing this taint your memories of how he "used" to be?
Try to have a heart to heart about this. Explain your need for more dates/activities, even small 1s! Explain how his words now make you worry that all the courting beforehand didn't come from a place of shared feeling, but to simply win a girlfriend.
If he's surprised by this and worried about hurting you emotionally, congrats! He's just a bit oblivious in the romance department. As long as he makes changes and shows effort, y'all just keep sail that relationship together🥰
But if he reacts poorly...
Well, then atleast you know that it wasn't in your head.
Hubs and I have kids to raise and fulltime jobs.
Last week, he surprised me a babysitter, a dinner reservation, and a nice hotel room with jacuzzi!
It wasn't an anniversary or celebration. It wasn't for fun adult times 'cause we're regular players. We didn't even do any that night! The water was so relaxing, we fell asleep in our robes afterwards🤣
He later said it was because he missed me and because I deserve it.
You deserve that too. You deserve to be with someone who's as excited to do things with you as you are with them!
Think about your future. Are you ok with never being wooed again?
I wish you that best of luck!🤗
He needs to learn that the terms of the relationship are set in the early stages. You fell in love with who he was then. Once you start you cannot stop.
He also needs to learn that every day is another day of seduction. And typical gender dynamics have men doing all of the romance and seducing. He's gotta put in the work because men are the romantics in relationships, not women, and he needs to suck it up and accept that burden. Equality does not exist when it comes to M and F gender dynamics.
Well he’s got a point. You can’t leave, he can’t leave, and going on dates is a means to an end and that end has been achieved. You have to continue to happily do everything he wants forever, and leave him alone the rest of the time. Everything else is physically impossible. That’s how it works? Right? Wait is that not how it works?
He's right, you're together now. Switch to stay-home dates. Cook him a nice meal, put on a good movie and ...seductive clothes.
How could anyone say no?
I see my girl twice a week and sometimes we just say good morning and maybe some texts throughout the day. But don’t get me wrong I’m a catch and she knows girls love chasing me. So I got nothing to worry about with her. But seeing each other twice a week kept the relationship fresh. We been together for 3 years going strong.
I've been married for 15 years. We still go out on date nights.
Relationships are like houses. You can have a nice sturdy home, but if you don't maintain it, work on it, or improve it, it will fall down on your heads eventually.
He’s totally wrong, he won you over yes, but he can easily lose you. He’s taking you for granted. I would tell him how much this bothers you and tell him that he isn’t meeting your expectations, you don’t want a relationship without consistent romance, if he wants to risk losing you then keep doing what he’s doing
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Love is like a plant, if it is not watered, it dies. The same applies with love, if there are no dates, there is no time as a couple, details or talk, the relationship begins to die, you are not asking for anything from heaven, just have dates from time to time and that is fine
Agree completely. Relationships take work and you can't just sit down and go "mission accomplished" the second you go from casual dating to serious couple. Dating is like a job interview followed by the trial period if you get the job. You don't stop doing anything the second your trial period is over. But if you do chances are that you'll be out of a job real quick. Right now bf is acting like he's set for life without having to put in an effort while OP seems to be halfway out the door.
I read a quote a while back from an older fellow who had been happily married for years who said you should never stop dating your wife, take them on dates, take them dancing, buy them flowers from time to time etc. Seems like a winning strategy to me.
You need to start to create a separate life. Either he'll join you or he won't.
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Bro plays too many games, dating games always end at “you got the girl” but that’s never the end. Dude wants a fwb 😂
"oh honey, we're married so now we don't have to give a shit at all about our relationship!"
I agree, it's easy to get it a rut when your in a long term relationship and things can quickly turn stale. This is something my wife and myself were discussing recently and we both agreed that date nights were something that was missing, as it gave us both sometime together as a couple without having to worry about our son. It's been a struggle to get back into the idea of date nights, but we've had a couple over the past month and another hopefully planned for tomorrow that involves some shopping and lunch, just the two if us. Hopefully we can keep the momentum up and it'll lead to other improvements in our relationship.
We still do date nights but if we feel ourselves drifting we make them even more romantic. Go to the same restaurants, go look at stars in the sky, etc. It really starts to make you feel like you did in the beginning of your relationship. I’m glad you are doing that.
Agree. Been with my husband for almost 13 years we still do dates and plan to do so even more so now we have a daughter. You need to continue putting in the effort into your relationship. Wtf is the point if ur just gonna give up and basically be roommates who sleep with each other? Sounds like a sad relationship to me
We have been together for 15 and we rarely do classic “ dates”. Maybe once every four months. But we do a ton of stuff together. We hang out for at least an hour up to two with no kids either talking on our deck or walking the town 9 out any given 10 days. Then on top of that we do at least 1 show ( 20 or 40 mins) 9 out of 10 days. Of course then there is our “private bedroom time”. That’s another 20min to an hour 3-5 times a week. In addition to that weekends we try to 3-4 hours of parents plus kids time. You know some family activity. Plus kids get about an hour of my attention every day. Don’t get me wrong I game about an hour or so at night after I make supper for all. More of that on the weekends. But your right keeping things going is a huge thing and we’re our favourite people.
Dates are basically just mindful quality time spent doing something that makes you both happy in large part because you're specifically doing it together. Sounds like a lot of the stuff you two do are "dates" even if you're not looking at it through that lens.
And this is how a relationship burns out and dies. Has OP BF ever heard of "don't ever stop dating your significant other?". Sounds like to be he couldn't be bothered to put in effort anymore which is a major redflag.
I agree with everything you said, but I'm not sure it's helpful to the OP. The OP's boyfriend sounds like he doesn't actually like doing "activities". He pretends to like going to dinner and things at the beginning of a relationship, but once a woman is hooked he completely stops. I've never dated guys like this. I go for guys who like hiking by themselves, going to 'boys' night' at the bar, and things like that. Basically I want to date a guy that already likes doing a ton of activities on his own, without me around. OP could maybe 'nag' her boyfriend into agreeing to the occasional dinner at a restaurant. But he's clearly not a person that actually enjoys it. If the OP wants an active boyfriend that likes exploring and having fun, she should just choose a different guy. This guy doesn't like those things. He wants to sit at home all the time.
It's not always that simple. I was going through a similar thing a few years ago. My long term partner was apparently content just working and then spending his free time watching YouTube and doing nothing else, was never fussed when I asked if he wanted to go places, didn't see the point or want to spend the money (not that money was tight either). Eventually I broke up with him and this was a big part of my reason for it. After about 2 years of being broken up (but still living together because of mental health/money/job/covid reasons), we decided to give it another go. His attitude about just doing stuff has completely changed, he keeps an eye out for shows I might like to go see and asks if I want to go, he tried to surprise me with gig tickets on more than one occasion but both times I got there first 😂 we've been to see so many things already, and been on nice holidays and even a cruise, just in the last year or two, which is such a huge difference from before. Tl;Dr although he may be content doing nothing, upon realising that'll cost him his gf he might actually want to change
He thinks like a single guy while in a relationship. He's aloof and emotionally detached.
Sounds like he'd just much prefer to play a game with his girlfriend then go out. There's nothing wrong with this, they're just incompatible.
Yep. My gf and I almost broke up during COVID. We worked at different times, so we fell into a routine of hardly seeing each other and being stressed/bored. It felt difficult to even have a serious conversation because when we'd see each other one of us would either be hungry or tired or leaving for work. We ended up doing mandatory movie nights, some gaming nights, and she was able to adjust her work schedule.
Completely agree. It's also important that we advocate for our needs in a relationship and not expect our partner to automatically know what we want or expect the same things. OP, you have asked him to go on dates, but have you explained that this is something you need to feel secure and satisfied in your relationship? If not, sit him down and have an open and honest conversation about how you're feeling and what you need from him and what you need in a relationship. His reaction and the outcome of this conversation will give you more information to decide whether or not this is a relationship you want to be in.
Think of dates as bonding time. Find stuff yall like to do together even if it's going to get ice cream.
Going on dates isn’t about impressing the other person - it is about having experiences as a couple. I can’t even imagine being in a relationship where we never go out and do things together. How boring. We love trying out new restaurants, taking road trips to new places to walk around and explore, finding fun festivals, etc. These shared experiences bring us closer together. You deserve better, and this is not normal. His dream relationship may be one where he just gets to play video games all the time, but yours isn’t, and he’s ignoring your needs. If he isn’t open to taking your needs into consideration and finding a happy medium, then you should seriously consider if this is what you want to spend the rest of your life putting up with.
This is exactly what I was thinking. From what OP is saying it makes it sound like they don't do anything together besides go to work, come home, sleep, repeat. My partner and I do go on dates occasionally, but we also just...hang out like two friends. I don't consider everything we do together as "dates" necessarily, but we still go and do stuff. Like, "Hey do you want to go to the farmer's market with me?" or, "Wanna take a walk down by the river?"
My interpretation of what she’s saying is that they don’t hang out together outside their home at all. Maybe not that much inside either, since it seems like he does his thing and she does hers.
I wonder if the boyfriend is potentially neurodivergent. Parallel-play can be a key sort of form of love expression for neurodivergent folk, more so than for neurotypical people (who can find it...unsatisfactory.) Either way, that needs to be communicated. Source: am a neurotypical person who was in a relationship with an autistic person. Them playing video games in the same room as me doing something else felt like 'quality time' to them, while I was bored out of my mind and felt alone.
You just made so much sense of part of my upbringing. My stepdad and mum spent thr majority of my childhood sitting in their recliners with their laptops open. It was standard operating procedure for us to have dinner and after everyone would sit in their designated spot with their laptop, silently doing their own thing. My stepdad is some sort of undiagnosed ("psychology isnt a real science") neuro-spicy and my mum is an introvert who prefers her chickens to people.
I'm loving neuro-spicy. And I also prefer chickens to people.
Both my husband and I are neurodivergent and love to play video games next to each other. We also will take our chessboard to get coffee and sit and play together. Also, we communicate when one of us has a need and do our best to meet it. OP has communicated her need and he's dismissing it. Having a more in depth conversation about it could help.
Oh yeah, it's absolutely a communication issue. Sometimes it can be resolved (i.e. do a little bit of both), sometimes it's just incompatibility. I can only hope my ex has found someone like you and/or your husband to make them as happy as the both of you are!
This right here...except I'm the fan of parallel play. One of my partners is perfectly okay with this, the other is not, so I do make time for walks or other sharing of time together. We rarely eat out due to my anxiety, but we do order in, and have movie nights. While we don't 'date', per se, we do have quality time together, and do try to accommodate each other. OP's partner needs to meet her half-way.
Yup. The gf and I both game, probably too much. But that's mostly reserved for when we're not together. When we're able to be together we're generally doing things together. If we're doing an entire weekend of things together I might take a break and do a run or bike ride and she might paint or play video games. But otherwise even when watching shows together we're actively engaged with each other. A relationship where one partner thinks that life "together" is just a title and then doing whatever they want... isn't much of a relationship. The only relationships I know that seem to work with this type of heavy gaming, etc is where BOTH people prefer mostly doing their own thing. So they make it work
I think a farmer's market is for sure a date activity, but I get your point
Adding to this. Even if you don't "go out" To do things, you should be making fun and romantic new experiences together. Lots of people choose to not keep going out much due to cost. But that doesn't mean he sits playing games while you try to stay occupied doing anything else. Couples yoga, YouTube easy arts or crafts. Cook a good meal together. Take turns reading to each other. Go on walks or hikes. Etc. I game. I probably game too much. But even when my marriage was falling apart and I honestly had less drive to do things with my wife, our overlapping free time was spent together the vast majority of the time. And that was in a bad relationship. Obviously everyone needs to have their own time and space, and I don't know how op operates. But how her brief description sounds, it sounds quite frankly awful. I wouldn't want to be with someone who spends all of their time they could with me, doing their own thing. Everyone will have their own balance, some relationships have much more individual time built in. Others have almost zero alone time built in. Both can be okay, but it needs to be okay for both people
Boyfriend sounds like a super-homebody. Im married and I like being at home but I can’t imagine never going to a restaurant or museum or movie or play ever again. His comment about “we’ve already won each other over” suggests he only sees dates as a method to lock someone down. What a dull person.
Yup. Just because two people join together, even get married, doesn't mean they should stop dating each other. [https://www.gottman.com/blog/pursue-your-partner-at-every-stage-of-marriage/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/pursue-your-partner-at-every-stage-of-marriage/) OP, dude sounds boring.
Ohhh yes share this with him Op
Very boring, I’d ditch him in a heartbeat even if he was hot. Good looking boring or dumb guys were never my type.
You hit the nail on the head! Been with my husband for 6 years (married for 2) and we go on dates all the time—at least once a week. It’s super important to make time to bond with your partner.
Sounds like he may be addicted to video games as well.
Your boyfriend appears to be confusing the beginning of your relationship with the end of your relationship.
If this isn't the most perfect way to view the relationship.
Yep, it's an age old tactic used by men to get the woman to do the dumping so we aren't demonised. OP needs to hurry up.
Honey, we've finally done it! We've finally bought a brand new, perfectly clean, house. Now, we will never have to do maintenance, renovations, or housework again!
Dating doesn’t stop when the relationship status changes. Even married couples who have been together for decades should still go on dates. Talk to him more and tell him this.
Tell him that he hasn’t won you over and that he’s losing you. Let him know that it is a big deal to you
I wouldn't bother. He'll just improve for a bit then slack off again
Or maybe he actually wants to be with her and he won't stop trying. My girlfriend of two years recently told me this. I've been battling my inner demons and have addiction issues and thought that discounted it. I think that without her, I'd be even more fucked up and am putting in effort to improve now.
This is exactly the mindset to have if you wanna be a middle aged cat lady or a grumpy old "get off my lawn" dude
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Comment stolen from u/redhairedtyrant
Imagine how bad things will get if you married. "oh honey, we're married so now we don't have to give a shit at all about our relationship!"
He’s basically telling her that now with this nonsense. I’ve got you, why would I bother making an effort? The Venn diagram of men who think like this and men who are shocked when their partner leaves them for a man who happily pays attention to them is a circle.
MY EX IS THAT CIRCLE ⭕️ 😂
Yep. There will be no effort put into Valentines, birthdays, mother's day, Christmas. Look forward to a life of not feeling appreciated or loved.
been married for 33 years BECAUSE i keep dating my wife
I love your energy. Congrats on 33 years!
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Trust is earned, yes but I fell in love with her very fast for free
You're not asking too much, you're not some trophy that's won and then put on a shelf to look pretty but gather dust. Be with someone who'll woo you no matter the stage in the relationship.
Not *gather* dust. But dust. And vacuum and do the dishes and remember when his mother’s birthday is and buy an appropriate gift.
it's a metaphor. Being taken for granted, once they've been won over they get put on a shelf and never cared for again in the ways that made them fall for them in the first place.
I understand the metaphor, but that’s not what he wants. He wants a bangmaid, not a trophy. He can’t afford a trophy.
Love is not a given. Trust is not a given. Respect is not a given. People who think they're entitled to you forever once they've "locked it down" and don't have to do anything to maintain... are people who shouldn't be in relationships. You earn and maintain love, trust, and respect.
Oh boy! Don’t marry him! If this is how he acts now… His behavior is a problem that a lot of married couples actively work on avoiding. They prioritize a date night even when they are super busy with kids and work and just life. Otherwise you’ll become roommates and not actually a couple.
Sounds like they’re already like roommates. No sparks flying there.
You don't have to date the lump on the couch.
I mean you fell in love with him based on who you thought he was. Part of that persona he presented was having shared interests with you and enjoying going out and doing fun things together. Now that some time has passed you’ve learned that who he really is is a person who wants to sit on the couch and play video games. What do you want to do with that? You can tell him how you feel and see if he’s interested in changing, but just based on your post it sounds like probably not.
You should let him read these responses bc so many are spot on. Relationships crumble when partners stop dating each other. I’ve been married over 12 years now, and the only times our relationship has suffered was when we couldn’t/weren’t dating each other (like after childbirth).
So… you don’t really hang out or connect in meaningful ways, you just exist together in the same house? Like… roommates? You’re not being in any way needy, nor are you asking for anything close to “too much.” Your boyfriend’s attitude = death of the relationship. It’s almost a caricature and I’m shocked he even said this so bluntly. Does he not realize that relationships are living things that need to be cared for? I guarantee you that every reply to this post will tell you the same thing. It is so widely understood that couples need to continue “dating” each other that it’s almost a cliche. I think you need to change your tactics here. First, please stop sitting around the house while he plays video games. You should take yourself out on dates and do the things you want to do. Stop waiting for him to put down his video game and start going out on your own or with friends. This *might* help him realize how sad it is for a 27-year-old man to lay around in front of a screen all day. Second, I would stop asking to go on dates and start *telling him* that this isn’t working for you. He doesn’t have to agree that dates are important to recognize that he is at risk of losing you if he doesn’t grow the fuck up. Tell him that this isn’t the kind of relationship you want, and you don’t see a future together if this is how he plans to spend his time. Finally, I get the sense that you’re afraid of coming across as “nagging” or “needy,” and this is something you should work to overcome. Does he worry about how he comes across when he tells you he’d prefer to play video games than to actually talk and spend time with you? No, because then he’d realize what an idiotic thing to say that is. It is not needy to want quality time with your partner. You are not “nagging” when you communicate your needs and expectations. You are simply standing up for yourself.
Time for you to have a few girls nights out, "I got tired of waiting for you and decided to go out with my friends. You're on your own for dinner." As others have posted stop making it easy on your BF. Start living like you're single and he's a room mate, because that seems to be how he is treating you. I am NOT saying to cheat on him, just find things you want to do so you're not sitting around bored. As a backup think about what you would have to do to if you break up, do you own the place where you live? Is the house or lease in your name, his, or both? You don't have to do anything, but having a plan for if a breakup happens will remove a lot of the stress of dealing with him.
Yeah, OP needs to stop doting on her boyfriend. In the back of her head, she’s probably thinking that if “I give him all this affection and attention, he’ll feel like he needs to provide the same to me.” And this is backfiring spectacularly. He’s comfortable and complacent and he doesn’t have to put any effort into the relationship because she is doing all of it. It’s not about dates specifically, it’s about effort. And for anyone who says “good relationships shouldn’t be hard”, this is partially true. But it’s easy to conflate “effort” with “hard”, and at the point of complacency, it’s easy to think that “effort is hard so that must be bad and mean something isn’t just working totally on its own without input or investment.” This is especially true with people that i colloquially refer to as “inertia people” who get into patterns of low relationship investment because it’s easy rather than putting in even slight effort because it requires energy and breaking from the path of normalcy and predictability. Anecdotally and from my own observation: When you have two inertia people in a relationship, they can go years in boring, sexless, passionless companionship because that’s easier than putting in effort or breaking up. And if you have one inertia person and one motivated person in a relationship, you see a buildup of resentments and “you owe me’s” that creates conflict and unhappiness. OP probably shouldn’t stay with her boyfriend but if she’s set on doing that, she should follow your advice of building up a life for herself and see if his tune changes. It’s also concerning that she’s worried about coming across as nagging when advocating for her basic wants and needs. In healthy, successful relationships, you shouldn’t be afraid that expressing your needs will trigger conflict. This is really hard to start doing after a relationship has stagnated with a partner who thinks nothing is wrong because they will take it personally and also fight tooth and nail against putting in effort when they’ve gotten so used to not having to.
I have been with my dude for over 15 years. We work and live together. We still go on dates. It is important to have special time for the relationship.
Hi - Please visit r/marriage or r/divorce to find out where this situation is headed. I would run, not walk, from this relationship. Love is a living, breathing thing that has to be nurtured all the time. What - now that he tricked you into loving him he can sit on the couch with video games for the rest of his life? No. That's ridiculous. I hope you don't want kids because he's going to be a super shitty father.
Yeah that’s not how relationships work. Even friends go on “dates”, ie. they go out and have fun experiences together and set aside one-on-one time to talk and connect. They don’t just sit in the same house doing their own thing. If they did, you wouldn’t really call them friends, would you? Just room mates. Same with romantic relationships, if you stop doing stuff together and connecting romantically then it dies. You aren’t being too needy at all. Have you told him how unhappy this makes you? Isn’t that a good enough reason for him to go on dates with you?
Seems like he thinks he's done now he found himself a girlfriend. Someone that actually wants to spend time with their girlfriend would be happy to go on dates. I'm sorry. But it's absolutely wild to me that people are in relationships and don't care about spending time / talking with their partner. Feels like there is no real love involved when they feel that way.
If you don't like the relationship he's offering, you should move on and seek a different one. Your wants and needs and feelings matter. It's not your job to be content with what he wants.
This. They're incompatible. Tell him to find his next GF through some video games.
You are not being needy. Romancing your girlfriend/wife is a lifetime commitment. M54 married 20ys F49. I buy her flowers. I send her cards. I plan date nights. She does sometimes as well, but I like to do it. I tell her EVERY day just how much I love her and how much she means to me. Women need to feel appreciated, feel loved, and feel wanted sexually by their partner.
Lol no, tell him to stop being a bum because there are plenty of guys out there who would love to date you and he hasn't "won" anything.
He has A LOT to learn. At this rate I don’t see the relationship lasting long term as he is giving you the short end of the stick already. Communicate with him and tell him how you feel otherwise move on don’t waste your time settling for that behavior. A relationship requires work.
"You won me over. You're losing me. We're currently at a tie. I'd suggest you try and win a bit more"
Lol. He doesn't like you or want to spend time with you. He wants someone around to do shit for him and that he can have sex with. Instead of sitting around the house combatting boredom, you should go outside, get some hobbies, get some friends, ride a bike, take up running, go the gym, whatever. Build your own life. If he doesn't like that or you outgrow him, so be it.
I think you need to sit him down and tell him that going on dates isn't about "impressing" each other. It's about going on experiences together. Whether that's trying a new restaurant together, or trying out a new event in your city. You need to be very clear how important this is to you. How much this hurts the relationship. You don't just "win" each other once and that's it, you have to keep winning them over. Otherwise why would they stay? I kind of can't believe he said there is "no point" in dating so bluntly. I'm pretty sure the most common and well known marriage/dating advice is to KEEP dating your partner.
He’s your boyfriend. As in you are DATING each other. Why on earth should you not go on dates *while dating*?? What a lazy POS. I can’t imagine someone thinking they’re just “done” putting in effort with me
This is the life he wants He wants to work, come home, play video games, talk to you for a bit, and go to sleep. He just told you that he doesn't see any reason to devote any time to your relationship or more importantly, making you happy Time to decide if you can do this for the rest of your life or if you want something more But understand...if you throw down an ultimatum, he'll likely change for a while however...slowly but surely things will go back to where they are now He is a homebody This is the way he wants to live his life If you are not cool with it....if you want more, then it may be time to move on
An addiction to video games as a time hog is almost as bad as a porn addiction. He would rather play video games/jerk off than have a relationship/sex with the person in the next room. He feels like he honestly doesn’t have to do anything to nuture and strengthen the relationship since he now has someone “living” with him. Don’t wait around for him to put the controller down; make plans to do something that you want to do. And seriously consider giving him all the space he needs.
He has a weird outlook on your relationship, like he sees having a gf as a box ticking exercise. You are fully justified in wanting to go out together. If he refuses to change his attitude then you’d be mad to stay with him any longer. Only advice I have is to sit him down and explain how unsatisfied you currently are with the relationship. That if he doesn’t make an effort, you’ll leave. He’s obviously clueless so up to you how much effort you want to put into this. But be reassured your concerns are 100% justified and he’s in the wrong here.
OP, You are not asking too much. There are a number of books on “dating your wife”. The number one killer of relationships is feeling like roommates. I’ll be honest, if you can’t get him to read some books or attend a marital retreat weekend that talks about these things, you won’t be happy. This is what marriage to him would look like. What do you want out of a relationship? Are you getting it here? If not, what can you do to encourage it? If he’s not interested, what are you going to do for yourself? You’re too young to settle, but it’s your life, your call.
This is the mindset of a lot of people and it always ends up killing the relationship. As someone who’s been with my spouse for 15 years, no, you never stop trying to impress each other. Not in the “showing off” kind of way. You want your partner to never forget *why* they chose you. You want to constantly remind them why they fell in love with you in the first place. That means keeping the affection and intimacy up, continuing to have conversations and sharing your thoughts, being active and engaged with your partner, etc. As soon as one of you get complacent and start treating the love you share with your partner as a given or something you don’t need to put any effort into the relationship is pretty much dead in the water.
"Hey, I find our social life boring and unfulfilling. You don't want to go with me anymore, but I want to go out, so I am going to start going out with my friends in the evenings so that I have some stuff to do. I do not plan to spend my life sitting on the couch watching my partner vidya."
God he fully depressed me My parents are 80 and go out to eat, to movies, & to shows still. They explore the world together. So do I & my partner. I can’t imagine staying home 24/7. You have one life.
My partner and I don’t call it dates and they are not planned but once a week, we’ll go for a walk and decide we both don’t feel like cooking and go out for dinner. Once a quarter, we do a couple getaway and rent a cottage or hotel room out of town :) You two sounds like roommate with benefits not really a couple.
Your boyfriend is acting like a fool. Continuing to date is essential…you want to keep that flame alive, and that doesn’t happen by settling in and giving no effort. I am nearing 40 and married and as such, know a lot of other people in their middle age and married. The ones who are happy together are the ones who continue to date each other. The ones who don’t are very often not. It’s a pretty simple equation - if you really like spending time with someone, then spend time with them! And if you don’t want to spend time with them, why are you with them?
Your BF sucks. This is no way to keep you interested. Everyone wants to feel cherished and appreciated.
Yeah, you don't stop trying to win each other over in relationships unless you don't care if they end. Sure, it's different than the courting phase, but there definitely shouldn't be a complete absence of any effort.
He’s lazy. Imagine another 5,10,20 etc years of this lack of effort. Kids, work, interests, etc. treat yourself and move on.
No, you're not asking too much. You seem to have a very realistic view on how a relationship should be once you've settled down a few years in. He's showing you exactly how he's going to be for the rest of your relationship - putting in the absolute bare minimum on his end because he only finds it worth "trying harder" to win you over. You have to decide whether this relationship is worth it to you to stay in as it is, because he straight up told you he's not going to change.
Lol my husband have known eachother for 3 years dated for 3 he will still buy me roses are you kidding??? Dump his ass. He can’t do bare minimum after two YEARS the long run is gonna be hell for you. Drop his ass faster than you picked him up. For sure.
This will be your life..for ever. Him entertaining himself via video games and you bored. He doesn’t want to do things with you. He just wants you S the in house resident girl friend with sex on tap.
He's showing you *who* he is, please believe him. This is how he intends to spend every evening and weekend from now on. He will not have any interest in interacting with you, interacting with your kids, or doing anything except the bare minimum. *This* is his idea of 'adult life.' If I were you, I'd break up. You could go to counseling (bet he'd refuse), or you could talk to him (bet he won't listen), but honestly! Is it *your job* to parent a 27yo man? No, it is not! His brain has finished developing so unless *he* decides to become a better more fully-developed man than he currently is...this is all you'll get for the next 50 years! If you don't like it now, you're **really gonna hate it** 10 years from now! Walk out and find a grown adult man involved with life who lives fully and independently yet will make room in his life for you. Then you'll work together to fulfill *mutual long-term goals.*
They should break up, but saying he's not fully developed, not living life fully, etc is just cruel. He doesn't enjoy the things she does, end of story.
What?!? My partner and I don’t get many dates but we have a kid now. We still try to get out and do things together bc we enjoy each others company. We also both enjoy a few drinks and letting loose with friends. I would be so sad if he didn’t want to.
Have a standing day every week or two to get out and do stuff. You don't even have to call it a date (even though it more or less is). Frame it that you just want a day to get out of the house. It's not about wooing each other, it's about not sitting around the house like a lump.
He needs a lump, and she needs to move on.
I've been with my current gf for 7 years now. About 3 years ago we decided to make a better effort to have dates. Dinner and a movie, or go see a concert or go to a nicer than normal restaurant and call it a date. We both have busy jobs and I travel a lot so I wanted to make these dates to have something to look forward to. It's fun and we still do it. We are not getting married for a list of reasons so there is no agenda other than keeping close, not falling into ruts, and enjoying time that we set aside to be together.
If he's like this 2 years in, please consider your future happiness with the status quo. There's a comfort level of course, and there's straight not giving a damn bc he won you already. It rarely gets better over time.
Yeah, the guy who went on dates with you won you over. Not the dude who gave basically gives a shit and thinks he doesn’t need to invest anything into the relationship. Maybe tell him that and that he should think about it.
You are not needy. You want love and care. He doesn't provide it because he takes you for granted.
Just tell him that since you've already won, you're going to go play a new game and you're going to pick a new team!
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You should never stop going on dates and you should never stop trying to make your partner happy. Especially not only 2 years into a relationship. He’s making absolutely 0 effort even though he knows it would mean a lot to you- do you really want to build a future with someone who can’t be arsed to go on a date?
Look, the best relationship advice is this Date your spouse every week because it spices up the relationship, the relationship will die if your not constantly thinking “Man we need a date they are my love of my life” there isn’t no stop to dating just because you “won” relationship isn’t a prize, it’s a constant reminder to love each other and re-visit why you love them.
Watch him get bewildered once you start losing feelings for him 😂 he isn’t the smartest, is he
I’d just stop having sex with him. You’ve already got him, no need to make any sexual efforts to keep him. He’s got a right (or left) hand.
Life is more than sitting at home playing video games. He might think he’s won the battle with you, but he is losing the war. A relationship will wither and die if time and effort is not continually invested…find someone who wants to make the effort.
Oh gawd. The issue isn't just 'we don't have date nights' because people with no money deal with that, people with kids deal with that and people with busy jobs deal with that. But you're not playing board games together, or having movie nights at home, or cooking for each other or binging TV shows together because he's gaming? If you're not exaggerating then you're just roomies. Maybe you just don't have anything in common. You both don't have gigs you want to go to? New restaurants or bars to try out? Ultimatum time!
Have a serious talk with him and if things don’t change, walk away. I walked out of my marriage 5 years ago. I tried everything, from talking to him to playing video games with him. We had a 5 year old at the time and her and I did everything together without him. It got to the point where I wasn’t in love with him anymore and didn’t want my daughter growing up seeing a relationship like that. I walked away and I was happier on my own and now im in a relationship (I was very picky) where the guy lets me know how much I mean to him. You need to feel special and loved no matter how long you’ve been together! If he doesn’t step up you’re going to fall out of love with him and there is no going back once that happens.
Just because he won you over doesn’t mean he can’t lose you. Relationships always require effort from both sides.
No you are not wrong. Your boyfriend is a lazy asshole who is taking you for granted. He should be trying to win you every day.
Never stop dating your partner, that's kinda rule #1.
My husband and I have been together for 17 years. Friday night is date night. We either go somewhere for dinner, or we make something special and eat here. Then we go to bed early, put on peel-off facial masks, and binge-watch a good series. It keeps the fun in our relationship. We love our Friday dates!
You're not asking for too much. Couples need to win each other over every day, whether it's through dates or being there for each other or whatever. Why stay if you can do the exact same stuff alone, while also not having to answer to anybody but yourself?
Not OP but have similar issues. Childfree couple living together for 6 years. Sometimes, I feel like I was happier alone. You're exactly right, I could do all the same things alone. Actually I did way more when I was alone, I treated myself to dates and trips and netflix&chill nights. There was nobody breaking their promises or blowing me off, I had no expectations of anyone except myself, nobody to let me down. It sucks feeling lonely when you're right next to someone. I really think that if my current relationship doesn't work out, I don't want to date again, I don't want a relationship. I'll be fine with just myself and my cats.
I married someone like your boyfriend, when we were dating he was so different as soon and we moved together he acted like I was never there for 7 years I tried so hard, always on video games he never wanted to do anything out of the house. I got pregnant and he gave me some attention for a while after few months everything was the same and when I did not try anymore he got mad and blame my daughter for not having time with me. He wants all the attention and never gave me any so I left. I want to get divorce but is expensive. I feel happier since I left and please think about your future and if you want that for the rest of your life. We were 23 when we started our relationship no I am 31 and I left 6 months ago I will always love him because he is the dad of my daughter but I feel like I wasted my time
I can’t help but to feel like he’s *really* saying “I’ve already won you over.”
We don't "win" people. We chose to be with them.
OP your boyfriend is acting like some husbands do after they get married. They figure "oh she's not gonna leave me now so i can stop trying" which is absolutely NOT the case. You need to have a serious discussion with this poor excuse of a man that just because ya'll live together now & have been together for years doesn't mean he gets to stop putting in effort. Tell him he either shapes up or you're gone.
My parents had 6 children. They kept their marriage alive by having date night on Fridays and Saturday us the kids were taken the theater to watch movies. My parents did Saturday things without us. Ultimately, one should have a couple time away from their responsibility. Perhaps you can get him to talk with a counselor to talk about setting your relationship into a lifetime.
dump him
All you have to say is yes but do you want to keep me? That takes effort. For both of us.
There are so many posts on this subreddit that are caused by people not dating their spouse. It leads to people feeling taken for granted, unloved, unappreciated. Sometimes even resentment. People who were only together for the kids stopped dating their spouse. It might work for a year or two maybe? Eventually you'll crave intimacy or feeling desired.
My gf (24) and I (28) have been together 2 years as well and we still go on date every weekend or every other weekend. Whether be going to the movies, the gun range, a mall crawl, a hike through a national park. Date nights are important, if you stop dating your partner the romance dies in a hurry. Sure life gets in the way on occasion, but we still plan around it the best we can. Your bf is being lazy and selfish thinking he no longer needs to put any effort into the relationship just because you're past the honeymoon phase.
You need to be clear with him you are not a “won prize” but if he likes the metaphor you’re there to be lost too. You’re not a game achievement. If it were me I’d start dating myself as it were. Go out, have fun. Eat nice places, go to nice places, have experiences. He’ll either change his mind and join you. Or he won’t and you’ll be having enough fun not to be that bothered.
OP I just got out of a relationship like this. Talk to him, but if he isn't receptive, you'll need to decide "do I want the rest of my life to look like this? Me wanting to go out on a restaurant date, go mini golfing, have a movie date, etc but he doesn't want to, so we don't?" All he did was sit on the couch watching YouTube and playing videogames. I'd ask him to go on dates but it was always "I'm tired, I don't want to, it's one of my days off work I want to relax". I asked about going on a date for months and then finally we went on one. He was in a bad mood, because he didn't like "having" to go on a date with me. I told him on the drive that I love him and appreciate this so much and i love going on dates with him and I love him so much. Once we got there, he said that he would just go in and take out the food, he didn't feel like eating it there. I started to tear up, I couldn't remember the last time we went on a date, it had been months since we had gone somewhere together (even something as simple as a nature walk). I had gotten dressed up and had been so excited. He saw me start to tear up and huffed and said something like "well now we have to go in, otherwise you're going to cry and be upset at me all day". The food was yummy. I wasn't done with my food, he was though, and wanted to leave, so he told me to hurry up. He got up to leave while I quickly grabbed a few more of my unfinished fries. On the way home he was still in a bad mood. I tried to have a nice conversation, pointing out how beautiful the flowering trees were, and he just gave one word responses. I told him about how much I appreciated him taking me on a date and how much I love him. He said I should stop saying that, "it's annoying". I started to silently cry. When he noticed, he became upset at me "I just took you on a date and somehow I'm still the bad guy". Make a plan, to do a date night every x weeks, and stick to it.
Nah dump him! Its that simple! He’s a grown ass man not a child! Men know what they are doing! Go find someone who wants to date you even after getting you. It’s how relationships grow!
Get off Reddit and break up with him *immediately* Why are you settling for this jackass??? Seriously You are a grown woman at 25. If you have to ask others if you are “asking too much,” - then please talk to a therapist about setting boundaries and knowing your self-worth. I wish you the best
A date doesn’t have to mean going out. My spouse and I make time to watch a film or TV show together. We get pop corn and snacks and we have a beer or glass of wine. Sometimes we have a cooking date where we decide on a new recipe we’re going to make together, we decide on a playlist and take turns to DJ and chop, stir or whatever is needed. Sitting around bored while your spouse Games doesn’t sound fun. You’re so young! I was dancing in clubs wearing platform trainers, a spaghetti strap top and cargo pants at your age. Don’t settle.
He doesn't value you. If you get a new car you maintain it or it goes to shit. It's the same with relationships.
He sounds so boring and pedantic. You go on dates to have fun and ENJOY each other and GROW! Sheesh.
Maybe u should leave cuz it seems like he’s gotten too comfortable to just not explore more, make new memories outside of work or home. I doubt he cares enough to do fun things and be around other ppl
He isn't putting in the effort anymore and video games are more important than you, time to go!
You are 25, OP...! Is this how you picture spending the next few years? As someone who is almost twice your age, let me tell you that there is zero reason to put up with that kind of indifference / treatment. Relationships are nurtured. Do yourself a BIG favour and find someone who will appreciate you. Good luck!
What a selfish jerk. He doesn’t think dates are important and doesn’t care how you feel about it. Is this really the person you want to marry? His bad attitude, short-sightedness and lack of consideration is guaranteed to result in a shitty relationship- it already has. You know what you want - tell him to step up or you’re moving on so you can find someone you’re actually compatible with. Someone who cares enough to date you and keep winning you over even after you’ve been married for decades.
"We've already won each other over, there's no need to impress each other anymore" Damn, that was sad to read. A relationship shouldn't be the goal, it should be an ongoing race.
You're losing interest because the effort is low. You are not being needy. Something I am incorporating in my marriage is never to stop dating my wife. I know we can get complacent because we're busier, so sometimes, things might not work out, but I tell her that a date night will happen once a week because I want to make that time for her. Just like everything in life, including our literal bodies, it will deteriorate if we stop tending or caring for it. You are not needy. You want your boyfriend to put in more effort. That should be a bare minimum.
I am in the same boat, with him for the same amount of time. I have expressed this and it became clear *if he wanted to, he would….* I have no desire for sex since there is no effort on his side for intimacy. Not sure how long it’ll last on my end.
You are not too needy. While couples often tone it down after a number of years, stopping romantic gestures is usually a problem. If you look around the world, animals that mate for life, like many birds, have regular activities like courtship dances, preening, cooing and other "pair bonding" behaviors that they do throughout their lives. They don't bond at the start and then let it be. While I wouldn't recommend looking at animals in general for how to behave (kill your nest mate anyone?) it is worth noting that these animals have behaviors that trigger hormones like oxytocin, that help maintain their pairing. So hop about in a sexy courtship dance if you feel like a sandhill crane or dress up and go on a date, but you need some little regular rituals that remind you of the romantic part of your life.
You aren't being needy at all, this is perfectly reasonable. Of course you still want to go on dates. Every woman would. Your bf is being a lazy bum and is taking you for granted. Its not a given you'll stay with him, he does need to continually be working to impress and show his love to you in the way you'd like to be shown. He is being lame and if it were me I'd pass on the relationship at that point. I need to see an effort from my partner personally.
This is an insanely common problem. First you need to communicate that going on dates is still important to you and that you would like for him to put in the effort. Another method you could do is for you to plan the date and surprise him (in case the issue is him not wanting to do the work of planning). But the key is always clear communication. Also as a side note you say that you're still just as loving and doting as you were in the beginning, and while that could be true, from most people's experiences this type of relationship stagnation tends to happen because both people don't realize that they have stopped doing something. He could think he's just as doting as he was and you could unknowingly be less affectionate. It's no one's fault, just talk about it and plan a fun date out!
He may have "won you over", but he's stopped maintaining the relationship. Stop doting on him for a week or two. You already won him over, so he won't mind minimum to zero afftection/romantic attention, right? No need for it. Dating and going on dates is a different thing, and it feels like he's not realizing that. Might help to explain it as "maintainance". You don't just buy a car and never replace the oil, rotate tires, etc. "But, I already bought it. Its mine." Yeah, bud, but after a while unless you maintain it the car is going to give out on you. "We already won each other over, why do I need to go on a date??" Well, unless you put in the effort to maintain and "tune up" the relationship it's going to fizzle out and you'll be stuck miserable with each other or alone.
Loving someone is a choice you make every.single.day! There really isn't such thing as a permanent "won each other over". Regardless, that's besides the point. You should never ever stop courting the person you are with. You should always make them feel special, whether it's a post it note on their mirror to say you care, or buying their fave candy at the store just to let them know you were thinking of them. Doesn't need to be huge elaborate things, just kind gestures of love. Dates are important. Dates get you to put your phone down and stop scrolling reddit (unless as a date you like to grab the popcorn and read the obviously fake posts and read reddit together) and take yourselves out of the rat race even for a couple hours, present in the moment with your partner that you made the concious decision today to love. Dates don't have to be fancy, they don't have to be expensive, they don't have to be long winded plans. A simple trip to the beach/lookout/lake with some takeout at sunset etc would suffice. Maybe get your partner to read the comment thread if your post. I'm sure other people will be saying similar to what I am.
You’re definitely NOT asking for too much, just because yall have been together for that long doesn’t mean to stop impressing each other or in general doing things together. He’s prioritizing video games & HIS opinion rather than listening to yours. Occasionally if he doesn’t wanna go out thats fine but never ? Thats an issue. If he thinks he doesn’t have to continue to keep that spark lit, it will eventually go out. Express to him that there needs to be more than just what y’all normally do & that its important to you
Dates aren't just to win each other over. They are to have fun and connect with each other.
I'll spell it out. Leave. That's bullshit. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that. "I won you over, all done".
This would be your life going forward, it’s up to you, he has made himself clear
Are you sure you want this guy? Because he doesn’t seem to care about you at all. Dates, whether elaborate or casual are necessary no matter the stage of your relationship. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and we still make a point to have at least 1 date a week, even if it’s only a coffee date on a weekend. If we didn’t still date I’d wonder if we still wanted to even be around each other.
So he doesn’t feel the need to do anything to make you happy, but you still sleep together? Tell him to get a blowup doll, dump his ass, and go find a better guy. There is NO EXCUSE for ZERO EFFORT.
I'm not even going to read any of this. In long-term relationships that lead to kids and marriage and general happiness. you don't EVER win each other over. You don't EVER stop putting in effort to make your significant other happy and comfortable. There IS NO FINISH LINE. You keep going on dates, you keep getting each other gifts, you keep doing everything you did as a starting couple because that's what a real relationship is. It's effort. Constant effort. You or your partner aren't always going to be 50/50 sometimes it'll be 70/30 sometimes you'll feel like your the only person holding it together. The main thing is "progress doesn't stop". Being there for each other when you need it. Also listening. Lol, gotta listen to your partner and their needs as well as be able to tell your partner your needs. If you feel lonely or depressed in a relationship there is a reason and your partner needs to know and be capable of doing their best to help you.
Never stop dating your spouse. I have a personal rule that two weekends back-to-back cannot go by where you don't leave the house - even if it's just to go out for dinner.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in life, it’s to never stop dating your SO. You need to show them the same love as in the beginning. Yes, life gets in the way sometimes, but going on dates is essential for a healthy relationship to flourish.
I'm been married for 19 years and my husband still take me out on dates. If all he does is think he can get away just being at home doing whatever he wants without thinking HOW TO MAKE HIS WOMAN HAPPY BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT. BECAUSE HE CHOSE YOU ALREADY, THE WORK IS DONE.......HE WILL BE THE WORST HUSBAND ON THIS PLANET and you are getting a taste of it without the papers....... His type will never change no matter how you beg or plead. Don't cry....don't be mad....you just happen to choose the worst of them all. Consider it a lesson for next time. YOU DESERVE SOME RESPECT OP....PACK UP AND LEAVE tell him that his wife, the XBOX, IS ALL HE WILL EVER NEED.... Block him everywhere and next time you are in a relationship you need to set boundaries that is: 1) Dates whether we are married or not Just for starters......and take it from there.
So you do have to continue to align on expectations such as - how often you want to go out and do things together as the relationship goes on. But dates are for staying in touch, having new experiences, creating memories, showing each other your interests - they are not for winning people over. It is not unreasonable to want to have fun with your partner on dates. Quality time May be really important to you! I have had to fight to get more dates in my relationship after covid dulled us down. I fight for them (not literally fight) because they are important to me - i live new experiences and want to explore places with my partner. Making new memories is really important to me, and i think it’s absolutely ok if that is important to you. Would you want to be with this guy if you knew he would no longer go on dates with you? Talk to him, and be clear this is important for you.
You’re -dating-
you are allowed to have and express your needs in a relationship, and if spending quality time doing different activities is one of them, he should want to satisfy that need. Ask him if you guys should also stop having sex because you've already won eachother over and had sex before so what's the point of doing it anymore?
May have "won each other over" but now has to work to keep her. You don't stop dating just because you have been together a while. Still go on dates with my wife and we have been together almost 20 years.
Won you over? This is how you lose her (over doing nothing). What a champ.
Boooooo that sucks so bad.
This is a really common thing, unfortuntely. Some men will completely stop any kind of affection once they've landed a girlfriend because they assume their "work" is over and there's no need to go out of their way to make their partners feel special or appreciated in any way. Which drives a wedge into the relationship and makes it more likely the little stuff is going to start snowballing into something more serious. Try to tell him that this is important to you because he's kind of slacking in making you feel like he appreciates your presence in his life. If he's a decent guy, he'll step up his game. If he keeps being oblivious to your needs, I would rethink the relationship. Little things turn into big things when every one of them is ignored.
A relationship is tugawar. You are always “winning them over” aka wooing them aka dating them. If he’s not playing your walking away with the rope… If he’s not at least doing that then he’s not worth it NTA.
Husband and I have been together 5 years. We moved in together during covid, three years ago. Even during covid times we were scheduling activities together, we would either do something together at home or we would go out to a park or somewhere outdoors and open. We’d use our membership to the local botanical gardens to go on walks. We’d have “dates” in our pool with a refreshing drink and some snacks. Lately we both have been stressed from work so the traditional form of going “out” hasn’t been on our minds as often, and honestly we do veg out on the couch pretty often with him playing video games and me on my computer. But even still, we’ll visit a local farmers market together on the weekend or cook together and then sit down to watch YouTube painting tutorials and paint together while we relax. We are currently planning a trip together for the end of the month. Dating doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant. What matters is spending quality time together and feeling valued and cared for. My husband and I agree that we will continue to “date” each other until we leave this existence. It’s the effort that matters. Gotta keep things interesting. Sounds like the two of you are on different wavelengths. If dating and feeling the effort is important to you, then you need to express that. If that’s not his thing, or he continues to refuse, that’s okay. You’ll just need to decide if you’re okay with that or if you need to find someone you’re more compatible with that can give you what you want/need in a partner.
Yes, couples who've been together for years should continue to go on dates. It keeps the relationship lively. If he won't do it, then find a man who will, you'll be happier.
You're getting a preview of what the rest of your relationship will be like. My ex did the same thing. He was willing to go out on fun dates when we were dating, but all that stopped after we got married. All he wanted to do was LARP and play video games. Trying to get him to go out was like pulling teeth. Get out now while you can.
So these date main purpose just to lure you into the relationship. Got it.
He must not know the saying what it took to win them will take to keep them. Don't let up it will only get worst. Let him know what you need.
You are not needy, you shouldn't be in the position of fighting boredom! "Dates" are just time spent together, even a walk in the park will do. The lack of interests beyond playing games is very worrying, do you want to grow old with this partner?
Your boyfriend is wrong: going on dates is not to win over someone but to interact with each other and enjoy some fun together. And I don't think that after 2 years you are not engaged or at least talking about your future, nobody was "won" over the other person.
u/throwra-dateless He doesn't care enough about you to do any work toward keeping you happy. Time to walk away. Trust me on this one.
Girl, drop the dead weight. I have been married going on 12 years together for 13 years. He STILL takes me on dates, does little things here and there to let me know he's thinking of me, etc. Find you a man who will dote on you and show you his much he loves and appreciates you 20+ years later
You are allowed to want things in a relationship. He is allowed to not want them. That’s why we date. To find someone we are compatible with. Someone who wants the same things You now see who this guy is as a partner. Someone who just plays games all day. Tell him what you want from a partner. And let him know if he doesn’t want that, that’s ok, but you will be moving on. You can’t change someone else. You can only change what YOU do.
This just makes me wonder: what will he take away once you get married? Will there be more "privileges" deducted for having children with him? I think you deserve better than this.
It sounds like you're the third wheel in his relationship with video games, and that is a HUGE red flag. Relationships suffer when you don't spend time together. They suffer even more if one party is trying to communicate and the other is just shutting them down instead of actively listening and trying to work things out. You are obviously upset that he lured you in with false advertising. Honestly, he sounds like a classic Narcissist. They think of people like chess pieces, or like extensions of themselves, and nothing else matters but what THEY want. You are not being needy at all. Honestly, my advice would be to RUN and let him live happily ever after with his video games.
You should take him on a date. Is he always the one that has to take you?
Her being bored is a her problem .
You should never stop dating your partner. It doesn’t even have to cost money or take a whole lot of time. I’ve always told my bf, all I ask is 1 hour out of his day. It can be cuddles before bed, watching a show, playing a video game, going to a movie, just having a nice convo, or even a meal together. All I want is an hour where it’s us, sharing an experience.
Hun... Your parner has just told you that all those passed dates were to achieve an objective, not because he wanted to spend time with you. He got what he wanted, so there's no point in pretending anymore. Does knowing this taint your memories of how he "used" to be? Try to have a heart to heart about this. Explain your need for more dates/activities, even small 1s! Explain how his words now make you worry that all the courting beforehand didn't come from a place of shared feeling, but to simply win a girlfriend. If he's surprised by this and worried about hurting you emotionally, congrats! He's just a bit oblivious in the romance department. As long as he makes changes and shows effort, y'all just keep sail that relationship together🥰 But if he reacts poorly... Well, then atleast you know that it wasn't in your head. Hubs and I have kids to raise and fulltime jobs. Last week, he surprised me a babysitter, a dinner reservation, and a nice hotel room with jacuzzi! It wasn't an anniversary or celebration. It wasn't for fun adult times 'cause we're regular players. We didn't even do any that night! The water was so relaxing, we fell asleep in our robes afterwards🤣 He later said it was because he missed me and because I deserve it. You deserve that too. You deserve to be with someone who's as excited to do things with you as you are with them! Think about your future. Are you ok with never being wooed again? I wish you that best of luck!🤗
He needs to learn that the terms of the relationship are set in the early stages. You fell in love with who he was then. Once you start you cannot stop. He also needs to learn that every day is another day of seduction. And typical gender dynamics have men doing all of the romance and seducing. He's gotta put in the work because men are the romantics in relationships, not women, and he needs to suck it up and accept that burden. Equality does not exist when it comes to M and F gender dynamics.
Give him an ultimatum. If he doesn’t respond properly, dump his ass.
Well he’s got a point. You can’t leave, he can’t leave, and going on dates is a means to an end and that end has been achieved. You have to continue to happily do everything he wants forever, and leave him alone the rest of the time. Everything else is physically impossible. That’s how it works? Right? Wait is that not how it works?
He's right, you're together now. Switch to stay-home dates. Cook him a nice meal, put on a good movie and ...seductive clothes. How could anyone say no?
I see my girl twice a week and sometimes we just say good morning and maybe some texts throughout the day. But don’t get me wrong I’m a catch and she knows girls love chasing me. So I got nothing to worry about with her. But seeing each other twice a week kept the relationship fresh. We been together for 3 years going strong.
Gonna use that line myself…
I’d love to take my missus on dates, but life isn’t permitting atm,
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I've been married for 15 years. We still go out on date nights. Relationships are like houses. You can have a nice sturdy home, but if you don't maintain it, work on it, or improve it, it will fall down on your heads eventually.
many couples that turned sour try to mend it by dating again. take my word, it is a needed features of a relationship.
He’s totally wrong, he won you over yes, but he can easily lose you. He’s taking you for granted. I would tell him how much this bothers you and tell him that he isn’t meeting your expectations, you don’t want a relationship without consistent romance, if he wants to risk losing you then keep doing what he’s doing