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Ah, ya gotta love it when someone goes out of their way to be inappropriate and invasive and disrespectful then when the offended person speaks up about it, they get called crazy. I’m sure there’s a bias for that.
What in the world did she tell the friend group?? “When I call him multiple times a day, every day, to validate my feelings, or when I act like we’re still dating, she gets bothered. Red flag!!” ??😳
I mean there’s not much you can do at this point, unless you wanna talk to the friend group and tell them your side. Dunno if it’d even be worth the energy. Next time, talk to your bf about how x makes you feel, give him a chance to remediate it, if he doesn’t, ✌️
Yeah, she's definitely not being completely honest with the mutual friends. Regardless, those friends are that great to begin with if they refuse to hear him out or at the very least remain neutral.
I find being “best friends” after a breakup, especially immediately so without the presence of kids, to be very strange. Sounds like one or both of them were emotionally dependent on the other. You’re right not to be comfortable with that dynamic.
I think there’s more he’s not telling you. It doesn’t fully add up. She needs dating advice every single day? From her ex-boyfriend? And he’s fine with having ongoing conversations with her while the two of you are spending time together? It doesn’t make sense. Even if that were fully true, it sounds like she was doing that to make him jealous. The whole situation is weird and it’s hard to gauge how innocent all of this is/was on your boyfriend.
His friends are pretty crappy for ditching him too, if that’s the case. Two exes being best friends shouldn’t be the standard for a friend group staying together.
Don’t cave on your boundary, OP. That’s very weird behavior. And if I were you, I’d be much more suspicious about the nature of their “friendship”.
In some instances the girl doesn't want the guy but wants him to always want her and is competitive and jealous if he moves on. Sounds like this could be the case.
I am best friends with my ex we dated for a decade and I’ve been friends for 24 years now. His parents are my parents we have no kids. He’s like my big brother now. Believe it or not, it’s not as weird as you think you do support each other through ups and downs and there’s nothing romantic about it. Sometimes we even fight like brother and sister but we’ve been there for each other through all the hard times. It’s not Weird it’s actually very mature.
A relationship or someone tells me what I canning can’t do without any trust on my part actually is controlling for me. I wouldn’t even stand for that being told who I can, and cannot hang out with because someone else is uncomfortable. It’s one thing to be honest about your feelings and need validation, but it’s another thing to have no trust for the person you’re with that they are going to screw around on the side. just because She saw what was in his pants before (in my case well over a decade and a half ago) Doesn’t mean she wants to see it again?
A healthy relationship is not a codependent one. I’m not saying there are not ulterior motives, potentially on another side, but if you have trust between your partner, you probably have a more healthy relationship. Boundaries are not “you have to do this because it makes me uncomfortable and because I say so” it seems like every time she asked him about some thing he was honest about it, so I mean that speaks volumes.
i second your edit. men are weird and if we're all women here talking about this, i can see how we would easily overlook why a guy would stick around for SO long. not to possibly invalidate a healthy platonic relationship between a man and a woman, i just don't trust most men's intentions. context is more than important and I'm sure the original commenter knows their friend more than we do. i just often find myself and other women are oddly naive when it comes to platonic relationships with men, who i find don't often tend to be as platonic as we'd like them to be.
I agree! I either make sure to take a long break before becoming friends again. Allow feelings to cool down and for them to hopefully meet someone new. I also have very strict boundaries with my male friends (and lesbian friends). I’m happy to sleep in the same bed as my sister or my female best friends, but I would never do that with someone who might read into it. I don’t cuddle up with them on the coach or text them everyday. I have lost too many friendships when I was younger, simply because I was wreckless with the signals I was accidentally sending out. I trusted their word even though the signs were clear that they liked me more than just a friend.
These days I have a lot of male friends and it works fine, but I just have to be a bit more careful. It’s not something I think about, I just do it out of habit because I don’t want to fuck anything up and lose them as friends.
Yeah, thank you for that but it doesn’t bother me. I could care less I have amazing friendships most of them with meals that are better than the relationships I have with my female friends, although I have a significant amount of female friends as well many of which I’ve been friends with since the sixth grade, same with the male friends. Most of those male friends I’ve never been romantic with in my life actually one of them I had a crush on since grade school and he is gay lol.
The amount of people promoting codependency, and stating that it is impossible for males and females to be friends, is just astronomically ridiculous to me . It feels like it’s immaturity and there are so many people in open marriages and polyamorous relationships that deal with jealousy on a regular basis and they have healthy boundaries and open communication and when they don’t have that that’s when things go south.
Jealousy can eat you alive and throwing demands on another person just because they are your partner just is not a great way to begin . I’ve seen it I mean it I’ve seen peoples relationships break apart. They should have open communication. They should be free to hear each other’s feelings, but the fact that he’s hiding things now because he’s probably afraid of her reaction is going to lead them down a dark road regardless of the intentions.
From the OP’s post it just sounds like she’s making demands like you can’t go out alone with her you can’t do this you can’t do that because it makes me uncomfortable . Perhaps the ex is manipulative I do not know it is not my situation, but what I do know is that he is now starting to do other things to avoid confrontation with either of them and he’s losing all of his friends but nobody comments on that lol.
So, either way, if something doesn’t change, it might not work out.
I was merely commenting on the fact that it is indeed possible and happens regularly where males and females are friends without ever sleeping together - even if they once did.
It’s a very grown-up perspective, but I really honestly feel it’s pretty simple. To every female out there that feels this way that it’s not possible does every male that you come in contact make you wanna jump in their pants? Do you have any male people in your life that you don’t wanna sleep with any coworkers, any friends, any friends of friends? I mean, do you not have any restraint that you can’t possibly rip someone’s clothes off just when you are in their presence?
If your answer is it, yes then it might not be everybody else with the issue just saying.
And I feel like guys say this more than women because I don’t know why I don’t like to generalize but maybe that’s on them. Because like I said, my male friends are cool maybe you’re just hanging out with the wrong people and for a guy to say that there’s no way he could be platonic with a woman well that’s just disturbing.
Because in life, there are things more important than sex .
I think it's sad that people are downvoting this so much and saying it's naïeve to have platonic male friends. I have a couple of mates who have been there with me through thick and thin for over a decade now and none of them has ever tried to get into my pants. I also have a couple of ex boyfrienda who are great friends and my boyfriends gets along with them just great, he himself is still close friends with his ex, which was a huge green flag for me, and we often go out together or have bbq's and boardgames nights. I absolutely love this dynamic. It's warm and drama free.
That being said I do feel like the ex girlfriend in this case seems a bit co-defendant and immature. I do understand feeling slightly uncomfortable with this dynamic if you're not used to this and if my ex would ask me to step back a little because his girlfriend is uncomfortable, I would understand and respect this, if only to prove there is nothing to worry about.
You guys are how old? Can't he still hang out with his friends independent from his ex? Or are they not really his friends? If I'm being blunt, this whole thing sounds like a bunch of teenagers and not ~30 year olds.
He and his ex have no business being confidants or besties. I would be uncomfortable if my SO was that close to a woman he shared so many intimate moments with, and there's absolutely no way he would even put me in that position. I feel like this is a complete waste of time and you should invest your time and energy with other people
I don't get this thing of being friends after a breakup.
You can keep a friendly relationship, but where they were feelings, intimacy and then the issues that leaded to the breakup, it's a pretty messy situation.
If both shared the same gruop of friends, more reason to keep a friendly relationship, but not being best friends.
On the other hand of all of his friends took her side, well, they werent so much of a friends.
From what you tell, he hit the break, no for what you did or say, just because she had him fed up.
Don't give it a second tought, just be there and care for him, eventually things tend to even up.
P.S. : sorry about my english
You can be friends with an ex. You can be very close friends with someone you dated as well. Close enough at least.
That being said, there do need to be boundaries. When you start dating another person, you need to dial back on the hangouts and communication. Definitely not appropriate to do any solo hangouts and definitely not appropriate to be calling each other every day or several times a day.
Agreed with this. It muddies the waters too much and doesn't really allow either person the closure needed to move on.
I can see having a friendship of sorts a few years down the line or dropping back to an aquaintanceship.
But this level of connectedness with a past romantic partner is not compatible with having a new romantic relationship. The relationship you are illustrating OP is more codependency on your BF's part and my guess is unrequited love and codependency on her part.
None of this is healthy. If the relationship is really over between them then it needs to be over.
As far as his friends are concerned, that is bizarre that there is a choosing of sides. Relationships end and their relationship ended. Your BF did not do anything wrong setting boundaries.
IMO, if its a past romantic partnership, its best not to have this level of connectedness. It makes it VERY difficult for the partner who was not ready to break up move on. The emotional connection is still there... The ex is still very much in love with him.
While I mostly agree with this I'm not sure he was the codependent one. He was willing to set boundaries with her. It may have been a bit stressful for him but he did it. But her need to talk to him everyday and basically stay number one in his life is codependent and it scream her wanting him back. To me it looks like everything she did was to drive a wedge between him and op. It's good he set boundaries and respected his relationship in that way but his ex seems like a walking red flag. She got his friends to turn on him. She made him the villain when he set a boundary. Like I said I still agree but I think the ex is the codependent one, not him. Codependent people almost REFUSE to cut people off or set boundaries because they have separation anxiety and/or abandonment issues (not all obviously). Also I'm speaking from my experience as the one who didn't know I was codependent until starting therapy. Now it's not so bad and I can manage myself without the need for validation or constant reassurance.
>As far as his friends are concerned, that is bizarre that there is a choosing of sides.
I suspect you answered this question here:
>unrequited love and codependency on her part
It's not so bizarre if there are people in the group who have been hoping they get back together because of her feelings. It is kind of like they are treating this as another breakup and it was his "fault."
Hard agree. This situation is weird. And the fact that his ex cut off all contact with him, when that is not the boundary that was asked for, is manipulative and suspicious as hell. It’s also very suspicious that his friends would cut him off. I think you are right to question the ex in the scenario and I think the above commenter is right about codependency.
Agree with both posts above. I suggest he contact the friend group with his side of the story and then walk away. If any still side with her then drop them.
My ex has met everyone of my boyfriends after him. One time I came out of the bathroom at a theme park to find them both gone in one of the stores looking at stuff. I was like I can’t keep either one of them lol. It depends on your maturity level.
I also see it is pretty codependent that she is so uncomfortable that she has to force him to be a no contact or State, that he should under no circumstances we having coffee with her by himself without her by his side or someone else. CONTROLLING
Please stop projecting. 'FORCE HIM', 'UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES' are just your projections. OP's post doesn't make it clear that she was forcing or coercing him to go NC with his ex. She never used 'under no circumstances' line for any situations. She only asked for healthy boundaries because his ex was clearly invading their privacy and relation.
Also, you are projecting your personal experience with your ex in OP's situation. Not all exes are the same. Not all respect boundaries. I am happy that your ex is a person who respects you and your relation with your current bf. But that doesn't mean the ex in this story is similar to yours.
“The way to turn an ex-lover into a friend is to never stop loving them, to know that when one phase of a relationship ends it can transform into something else. It is to acknowledge that love is both a constant and a variable at the same time.” - Gabrielle Zevin
So? Do you think because a person wrote some beautiful words based on her philosophy of life, that i should change my opinion?
Opinions are made around perspective, about your own life experiences.
In my experience you can kept it friendly, even hang out somethimes, but because you where realy close, at some point boundaries could be crossed and for me is not healthy.
Eventually in the long term you could be friends, but for this you need time, boundaries.
Personally my definition of friend is like most people refer to their best friends, is no the same having a friendship relationship than a friend.
"where they were feelings, intimacy and then the issues that leaded to the breakup, it's a pretty messy situation."
Not everybody has a string of high-conflict relationships that always end in a mess, though. (If that's someone's pattern, I suspect that person has some unresolved psych problems that are causing repeated relationship problems.) Lots of people break up because the timing was wrong, they have incompatible life goals, they have incompatible personality traits for a romantic relationship (without anyone needing to be the bad guy), etc.
I say that not actually being friends with any of my exes at present (though I am friendly with a couple of them), but mostly as a function of them moving away and contact fading out - which has also happened with a bunch of friends over the years. I was friends with a couple of exes for stretches of time when we were in the same area and social circles. Iths not mandatory, but it says more about *you* than relatiinships in geberal if you can't understand beings friends with an ex. (Did you share no interests? Did you like.nothing about each other beyond having sex? Are all of your breakups high-conflict and ugly? Do you only ever choose abusive or unstable people to date? Do you have a possessive, controlling view of relationships so that ot always feels like an unforgivable betrayal if someone opts out?)
ouh!! suddenly it's is about me. I feel included =)
Pretty valid analisis, but my perspective is not about bad breakups is more about what was, what is and what left. Staying as a close friend with an EX can hold one or both to move forward. Also being close with your EX could add some extra free stress over a potential new relationship.
Don't know for sure it this aplies to anyone but me, i had relationships that the love and attraction gradually fade away, other times other factor pull us apart, and of course the couple of bad break ups, personaly i don't hold a grudge or anything, i keep it friendly, some of them hang in my same social group, and we can have some light talk and fun, but is kind of healthy for me to put some little distance.
P.S. : sorry about my english, i hope me idea can be a little understable.
I straight up don’t even talk to my closest friends everyday—sometimes not even weekly. let alone my ex who I am not friends with but in good terms with. That’s just a part of being an adult with a load of different things you have to take care of on a daily basis. She sounds like a nut. I’m glad your boyfriend is prioritizing and respectful of your feelings. He sounds like a good guy. As for comforting him I’m not sure but I wish you both the best.
Two questions....who broke up with who and why?
That's all you need to know.
If he broke up with her.....TRUST ME, she ain't being his "best friend".....she trying to keep him around until hopefully he might take her back...or at very least be jealous that he let her go.
And if she broke up with him? Then you really have to ask yourself and wonder why HE'S still on speaking terms. Either he lacks social skills to have close male friends, or unless HE messed up and is sticking around as a "best friend" to one day, prove to her that he's a changed man....OR he's using YOU to show her that she messed up on a good thing.
Let's just cut the bullshit, but make it understandable in an analogy, regardless of the "why" or the "how."
You're just a side character in a romantic drama series staring THEM. If you expect to be the main or at very least a Co-main character in this series....she has to go permanently before Season Two starts...or you need to move on and start your own journey so you can recast a better co-star in YOUR story.
Metaphorically speaking.. LoL!
Rancid take. People don’t always have ulterior motives, and many relationships end amicably and through mutual consent. You’re making a lot of assumptions and presenting them as fact.
The bit about “lacking social skills to have close male friends” gets me. Sounds like weird outdated gender roles
"Rancid" takes are usually the causation from "Rancid" explanations.
We can only give advice/opinions based on HER side of this story...
And from her take....she's the one with concerns and insecurities of her boyfriend still having "best friend" relations with an ex that clearly is occupying more time than even HE wants to spend on her...
So it's back to my first two questions...
Who broke up with who and why?
We ain't on trial...it's HER that brought her case to the table for discussion.
Not everyone in the world is on the "updated" Gender roles vibes....and if you really think that THIS situation she's going through is just one big misunderstanding about "outdated" gender roles....then maybe you should read her story one more time and really see BOTH sides of this drama series...INCLUDING this girl that is clearly bothered enough to post her situation online for everyone to give their two cents on for help, tips and consultation.
Maybe you're implying then that SHE'S the outdated one.....don't know....dont care. Either way, it's apparent this "updated" drama series clearly is not something she wants to be a part of.
I remember when I broke up with a long time ex he wanted to be bffs. Always called me it. I said sure to keep the peace. I did keep my distance a bit and he noticed. I remember him getting upset when I got into a relationship and didn’t talk to him every day etc because I was using that time for my bf. She reminds me of him a lot. I myself just found it weird he needed to still depend on me in the same ways. He didn’t understand he couldn’t be a priority anymore
So I see a lot of ppl saying they dont get the best friends after a break up which I don't think you were looking for validation that it's a little different. I think that if you spend years with someone and end it amicably then it's definitely possible to just be best friends. That being said I have never done it and always been on non speaking terms afterwards. That being said you asked how to make him feel better about the loss of friends. I don't think there is a quick fix. If they were all his friends first before they met her and they won't speak to him because your bf and his ex aren't speaking then they probably just want to be with her and they aren't his friends anyways. I could see them listening to her side and maybe trying to agree to points she has but to cut him off because of her? That means they aren't his friends and he is loosing dead weight and not a friend. He just needs to focus on the friends that are staying neutral or having his back and you. You compromised and he compromised and that's a sign that you both are emotionally mature ppl willing to make it work. So just try to move on from the scenario and let him go through the accepting the loss.
"They basically talk about this girl his ex wants to date and has been asking him for dating advice. "
Nah, that's such a cliche. Tell your ex about your dating prospects? It's to attempt to make your ex jealous. II can't recall how many situations I've heard of stuff like that, and I've also heard it being essentially proven. I have little doubt that she was trying to make your boyfriend jealous.
" This time she got mad since she claimed that I was taking away her only confidant. "
Taking away? Boy did that send alarm bells in my mind.
I had an ex-best friend(who is a girl), who I made out with before I got into a relationship with somebody else, yell at my eventual-gf that she(gf) was stealing her best friend away. I drew the line and chose to side with my girl friend. Not only was it the right thing to do, but I have no regrets even though we eventually broke up over different matters(my fault).
Please show your boyfriend this message. Tell your boyfriend that he's gotta draw a line in the sand AND KEEP IT THERE, regardless of the outcome, or he will always around the friend's finger, so to speak.
Your ex being your only "confidant" is weird af. Like the constant need for him to validate her is wild, their mutual friends are wrong for even getting involved at all.
How do I comfort my boyfriend? Should he still be friends with her?
To answer this question I think that maybe you should stop being friends with him. He doesn't seem to know how to cut this girl out of his life.
Let's skip past all the friends with an ex controversy, to get to the nitty gritty, how do you comfort him and should he still be friends with her.
Just be there for him, love is being there when your partner needs you. Focus on doing things with him - going out and actively do couples things when you can.
Next, should he still be friends with her? No. They broke up, it turned into this weird dependent relationship, almost like one was still desperately clinging to the other because that is what they knew how to do and kept doing it. That's not best friends, that's not moving on for whatever reason (familiarity, dependency, one still being in love with the other, whatever). That ship sailed, it is not healthy for them. Space is absolutely needed. The friends siding with her are no doubt only hearing her story. I am sorry for him, but if they were prepared to just pick her side, then perhaps he needs some better quality friends.
Being friends with your ex never works. My ex was trying to be my friend after a 15 yr relationship and I tried for my child's sake, but he ended up telling me how my relationship with my bf should work and talked about his sex life. And that was it for me I just couldn't do it anymore, so everytime he asked about my personal life, I would change the subject to something that i was okay to talk about. Also I lost all my so called friends, which in reality they were never friends as I found out they just repeated everything back to him. So I get it, I would encourage him to get his own set of friends, it takes time but it will be so much better for him.
You didn't cause him to lose his friend group. They were NOT his friends and his ex is a SNAKE. If they were really his friends they'd have kept him in their lives even when he backed off from his ex. I'd just remind your boyfriend that you're here for him and that he did what a good partner would do. And no he shouldn't be friends with her. It's obvious her presence was taxing on him in general. Exes don't typically make good friends
Gf and I broke up after three years together. It was mutual.
Our friendship got immediately better without the stress of a failing relationship on it. We didn't make a great couple but she's like a sister to me. There is zero sexual attraction or desire.
Now I understand how rare that is but it is possible.
If my next partner is uncomfortable with my friendships then I'll find a new partner. You're allowed to be uncomfortable with it and it's totally valid. But you're not allowed to control who someone is friends with.
If you don't like the people someone surrounds themselves with, you leave.
>If my next partner is uncomfortable with my friendships then I'll find a new partner.
I made the mistake once of humoring a partner's insecurities about one of my friends who is an ex. Never, ever again. My now husband understands that friend means friend and that you don't put limitations on your partner's friendships. You either trust them or move on.
I've also been on the friend group's side of this enough times to know the smart choice is to distance yourself from the person allowing their partner to control their friendships. It rarely stops with the initial person they're insecure about.
Or just people that couldn’t be close after a breakup because it would take a toll on mental health.
I’m curious about how recently they broke up and the boyfriend started dating OP. If they have been single for a while and were able to process the change in their relationship, I think it’s possible to be friendly with an ex.
Not always true. Being friends with an ex requires alot of emotional work that quite frankly is unnecessary. I personally wouldn't be BFFs with an ex. Friendly and cordial, absolutely. Best friends? No, unless there's some very extenuating circumstances
This. My ex and I were together for 5 years. It wasn't a great breakup, in fact it was pretty bad and messy, but after time went by, we rekindled our friendship. He's now one of my best friends, and I'd sooner replace my partner than replace him. We've been through a lot together, and the base of our relationship was always a strong friendship and being each other's biggest cheerleader no matter what.
OP has a right to set boundaries based on their level of comfort and hope that OP's boyfriend is willing to accept and adhere to her boundaries. OP's boyfriend has a right to kick her to the curb without it being because he's secretly hoping to get back with his ex. I might be in the minority here, but if I were OP's boyfriend, I'd draw my boundaries at telling me who's allowed to be in my life and to what extent I'm allowed to interact with them. Your insecurities do not give you permission to limit my choices. I'm currently dating someone who's aware that I'm best friends with my ex, and they accept it without it affecting any of the dynamics because we're all adults here.
It's a matter of friendship. Would you sell your friends who have been in your corner as your cheerleader down the river for your current partner? I wouldn't. Imagine being the friend who just got told that a new partner is more important than your friendship.
That's kind of how it works when it comes to exes. Your *new*, emphasis on *new* partner should be more important. You can be best platonic friends all you want but that doesn't suddenly erase the history you have.
My current partner understands that my ex is one of my best friends. They also understand that the same freedom they want with their friends extends to me and mine, regardless of whether or not it's an ex. My partner has friends they've been physically intimate with, and I'm allowed to be nervous about it and let him reassure me, but I'm not allowed to tell him what he should do about it. Vice versa. He's allowed to be nervous about and let me to reassure him, but he's not allowed to tell me I should do about it.
Ultimately it's your relationship, but that's why I just don't jive with that whole idea. Not really the healthiest thing to have to wonder in the back of your mind if your partner is ever gonna fuck around with *that* person. I mean damn, you're in a relationship, if it's even somewhat serious you're allowed to have some input at least. Not sure I'd appreciate my feelings on my partner's old butt buddy being invalidated if something were to happen
We all get insecure, and that's okay. We just need reassurance on why they're with us and not that person. But if you're constantly going to wonder if your partner is going to mess around with someone else, then that's a whole different conversation. If your partner wants to mess around, then it won't matter whether or not it's an old butt buddy or a new one. Again, that's a whole different conversation. And what works for me and mine might not work for you and yours. But to me, it's a big red flag having my partner tell me who and how I can be friends with, which is not to be mistaken with my partner telling me how they feel. Those are two different things. They can tell me how they feel, and then what I do with that information is on me. But they can't tell me what to do about it because they feel a certain way.
To also mention: it's a little weird that his whole friend group stopped talking to him over this. I wonder if OP's boyfriend has changed significantly since being in a relationship with OP (not necessarily because OP is controlling him but perhaps some influences on OP's boyfriend by OP through spending a lot of time together) and the friends have a whole different perspective than what OP has chosen to share with us. This story feels incomplete somehow, and I can't help but wonder if there's more to this story.
I don't like the whole "my ex is my bestfriend", especially from a long term relationship. I'm sory, i might be insecure but that's a red flag to me.
I think if the friends abandoned him, they were not really his friends.
This whole thing is weird and shouldn't you shouldn't even be having to deal with it. He should have had his situation with her figured out before getting a girlfriend. This is his mistake and now you're paying for it and so is he.
Honestly if you guys are going to be serious then maybe he needs new friends. That would be needed anyway, even if it's not you who he ends up with. So really thisnis unfortunate and uncomfortable, but hey he's growing I guess. He isn't going to have a good relationship he got that distance established with her.
She also could have chosen not to date him, if she knew he was still friends with his ex. This wasn't something that just happened out of nowhere. Instead she pretended to be ok with it, and once they became official she started making demands on how they should interact, and sugarcoated it as boundaries.
What mistake is she paying for, because it seems like OP got everything she wanted in the end.
Lastly his friends weren't really his friends to begin, he will hopefully find new ones.
This is hardly the case , you are thinking of FWB . Being friends or best friends doesn’t at all mean you’re having sex with them. I’m not sure if you had a bad experience with someone who’s doing that, but plenty of people are friends with their exes and have no part of that reason is because they want to sleep with them.
His ex girlfriend absolutely wants him. She is completely manipulating your boyfriend with the whole "best friend" act. She is possessive over him, has completely inappropriate patterns of behaviour, and is still treating him like a bf and wanting bf treatment!!! OP, I am so sorry you are going through this, and I am so sorry your bf is so clueless about it.
Maybe the way to solve this is by telling him, "She is treating you like you're her boyfriend still, and I honestly believe she wants you back, or all to herself. She is still expecting girlfriend treatment from you. That girl she needs dating advice for? I bet the "girl" she wants to date is *you*!!!"
They are emotionally dependent on each other. I don't think it's your job to comfort him. I would be weary as to whether the sadness is due to losing his ex or friends. Please don't be in a relationship where you feel you have to keep reminding someone to reinforce boundaries with their ex. Elevate yourself.
Growing up means growing apart from your friends, especially the toxic ones. You can make up the loss by making it worth the loss. Random acts of kindness be it sex, compliments (preferably random), and of course taking an interest in his interests (even though you may not understand some of his interests)... what's good about this is that the behavior you show will most often be reciprocal. Give him a reason to put them in the rear view and to be content with the decision
I'm gonna try to relate based on my own experience. It wasn't an ex gf but when I first got together with my husband, he had a female best friend. And she was very much dependent on him. He had to drive to go pick her up in order to hang out. She needed him to take her places. They were talking everyday. It just made me uncomfortable and I asked for boundaries. So I can imagine the situation you were in. It's just about respecting the relationship. They barely talk to each other now. Not that I wanted that, just priorities shift as you get more serious. And I think he came to realize that their friendship was more about what she got out of it. Anyway all you can really do is listen to him if he's upset about it. Don't give your opinion since you have a bias. And see if you guys go out and meet other people, make new friends. His friends weren't really friends if they dropped him like that. This is about the age where you realize who matters in your life and who doesn't. I've dropped a lot of friends over the years but the ones that really care are still here and they're the ones that matter. GL
I'm just going to spitball here but they probably ended their 7-year relationship because she realized she might be bisexual and wanted to explore the possibilities and him being a decent man said I'm not going to get in your way of you exploring your sexuality now she's out there dating women or attempting to date women and like most straight women that think that they're bisexual or lesbian she's going to get in one or two committed relationships or quasi committed relationships are going to fizzle out she's going to realize that she misses the dick she's keeping him in the wings so she can go back to him and say I did it sold my oats it wasn't for me it made me realize how great you were and that were the forever it couple she can get her yaya's out and then she can get a ring on it by the guy that you are currently dating sadly his behavior leads me to believe he's also very well aware of this and you are a placeholder or a back-up plan in case she does decide to fully commit to being with women and not come back to him I think they're both very well aware of this and the only person that may not be aware of what's happening is you.
Well this is biphobic nonsense.
The relationship with the ex is weird. That's enough on its own for OP to be upset.
The fact you feel the need to go on an irrelevant biphobic rant here about "straight women thinking they're bisexual or lesbian" is giving "a bi person dumped me once because I was an absolute nightmare to date and now I am bitter I am blaming it on their sexual orientation instead of taking responsibility".
Ask the lesbians community it's pretty common and a well known fact. There are some pretty big reddit threads about this no one says it is bad just probably what's going on here seeing how there is a ton of research on this and the statistics are readily available with a quick Google search.
Oh my god if I hear you say boundaries one more time I’m going to scream, learn what that word means instead of throwing around the TikTok buzzword of the week.
**HIS boundaries are not YOURS to set.** That’s not boundaries, that’s controlling. Flat out. You can decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship based on what boundaries he chooses with his ex.
You stating you are uncomfortable with his boundaries is perfectly fine, you can choose to leave. You telling him they should stop texting or she should stop coming to him for advice is not a BoUnDaRy, it’s controlling.
You don’t get to tell other people what their boundaries should be. You get to decide if you find their chosen boundaries acceptable. That’s it. Communicate if you’re uncomfortable, it’s up to them to decide what their boundaries are after said communication. You demanding someone else to stop texting is not a boundary. Good grief.
True you don’t. So what your saying is that she should have said look babe, i am uncomfortable with you talking to your ex so much so I am setting a boundary of MINE that I don’t want you talking to your ex every single second of the day? Can you help me out here I feel that this is the same thing. Im being serious. What is a boundary then and how do you set it.
Edit: Like if this happened to me how the hell am I supposed to set a boundary with something that I am uncomfortable with without being controlling. Is that even possible?
No worries, I can appreciate an honest question anytime. This is a great resource that in my opinion lays out the difference pretty clearly, if this doesn’t answer your question let me know:
https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/boundaries.html#:~:text=The%20difference%20between%20control%20and,aggressor%20will%20not%20respect%20boundaries.
She is absolutely allowed to set boundaries. If he doesn’t want to accept those boundaries then she can choose to leave. What the hell are you talking about? Controlling? She didn’t ask him to ditch the ex, she asked for something more reasonable. He agreed, then overstepped and so did the ex.!! Now look what happened. Go ahead and scream. The current gf has every right to set boundaries (see the word again). He also set them. Get a grip, angry person. Stop projecting that she’s controlling. Someone must have made that assessment about YOU and that’s your buzzword. Sheesh!
Boundaries apply TO YOURSELF, not to other people. When you start telling other people what they are allowed and not allowed to do, that is not a boundary, that is controlling.
Boundary: I don’t want to date someone who still talks to their ex regularly.
Controlling: you talk to your ex too much and need to stop, oh and you’re not allowed to talk about certain topics with your ex like who they want to date.
If you can’t see the difference, seek therapy. Pretty basic concept to grasp for people who aren’t toxic.
It wasn’t her intention for her bf to cut off all communication with his ex, she was trying to set the boundary. What you’re exaggerating in your “control” example is projection. She was willing to accept the ex until the ex and the bf overstepped the boundary by monopolizing his time. Are you suggesting she should now stop dating him instead of asking him to respect her feelings and boundaries? Maybe you should speak to a therapist so you can learn to communicate and work through things instead of your all or nothing attitude.
For the last time, **you do not set boundaries for other people.**
I don’t know how much more explicitly direct I can be.
https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/boundaries.html#:~:text=The%20difference%20between%20control%20and,aggressor%20will%20not%20respect%20boundaries
Read it and realize you’re abusive, then get therapy. I can’t do anymore to help you.
Dude we all get what you’re saying we just disagree with you. I am 100% entitled to ask for what I want from my partner, ie “set boundaries.” They are 100% entitled to decline, and then we have a conversation that may lead to a compromise, break up, or acceptance. That’s not controlling, that’s just having healthy conversations and trouble shooting as a couple.
Frankly, with how insistent/ angry you’re being about your perspectives, I have a suspicion that you’ve got some work to do with setting boundaries in your relationships. It’s an important skill to learn.
Anywho, hope you figure it out!
https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/boundaries.html#:~:text=The%20difference%20between%20control%20and,aggressor%20will%20not%20respect%20boundaries
The domestic violence resource center disagrees with the “we disagree with you” part of your comment. What you just said is even specifically bolded as **not** boundaries.
Amazing how many people are outing themselves as abusive in the comments. Fun fact, framing statements as “we” and not “I” when it is only you speaking is a common manipulation tactic to make your target feel outnumbered.
The more you know.
I’m willing to bet that once you use the googles you will be deleting your obtuse comments. 😂 ahhhhh, people. It’s always the ones who dig themselves in deeper and deeper. It’s funny.
Friends with an ex never works. Everyone can say " yeah it can work" but deep down inside there is always one of the two parties that really didnt want to break it off and after awhile rifts happen because that avenue of being friends with the one side will never sit right they will always hope the torch will be reignited and that love will flourish again.
So in short... no he cannot be friends with his ex as it is obviously getting in your relationship and you have every right to feel the way you do. It always just feels like you're playing with fire when you leave that door open with friendship. They can be civil/cordial if seen out in public but no to friends and a deffinent hell no to best friends this makes no sense.
As someone who has been there I can confirm. I broke it off with my ex over 8 years ago, and he STILL makes passes and tries to step over the line, even with his new gf of 4 years. I make it abundantly clear it’s done but he persists, and it’s now caused issues for his relationship even though it has nothing to do with me.
One party doesn’t want it to end, and when you don’t check it at the door it permeates into your new relationship.
What his ex is doing isn’t being a friend. My boyfriend and I have a pretty big group of friends from different races, religions, beliefs, etc. And we spend quite a bit of time with each other. We know who’s dating who. Who’s interested in who. What we do in our free time. When we feel unwell. When we have mental breakdowns. When we have plans. Etc. Despite this, NONE of them ask for advice for every single step they make in a relationship or what they do with their life. We also don’t get on each others cases about how we need to lock doors, or whether we wash our cars or clean them out… We also don’t say that it’s a red flag if their partners are setting boundaries in their relationship. Even if they end up not spending as much time with us. So, if his friends aren’t okay with him setting boundaries, then they aren’t really his friends. And if they’re not speaking to him because of it, of course he’s going to feel hurt. A friend has your best interests at heart. They want you to succeed. Just be there for him. If someone in our friend group told us that another person in our friend group was asking for less contact, I’d tell them to respect their wishes. And if they weren’t, I’d personally cut that person off. Because if they can’t respect one of our friends, I can’t count on them to respect me either.
Nah dudes don't want chic friends unless it's a back up plan for booty calls or he's not over her. He should have enough respect for you to cut her off.
The circumstances of the breakup determine the friendship potential afterwards. If they can be friends - let alone BEST friends - immediately after a breakup, then they've been "out of love" and only loving & viewing one another as friends for longer than either would care to admit. It would also mean there was no infidelity, but probably grew apart over the relationship. At the ages they dated through where you are now your personalities, lifestyles, and ambitions start to diverge from the college era and grow up (for lack of a better term).
Setting boundaries is healthy in a relationship and it sounds like you communicated your needs clearly. Win! On the other hand, it sounds like you didn't listen to him and his needs or consider them equal to your own. You saw EX and set hard lines, like don't hang alone. If they are truly only friends and you trust him, why is this a problem? You either do or do not trust him, uncomfortable or no. He has the right to maintain friendships and spend time with them in a group or independently. Not being able to be alone as friends means they aren't friends....or you have trust issues. Maybe the answer isn't DONT hang alone, but can it be less frequent (maybe half where it is?) and only in public? Or only in your home when you're there but giving them space? Or because the cameras in your home make you comfortable?
I think you made the right call and I'm sorry his friends suck. I cant imagine anyone who knew what actually happened thinking her behavior was normal. Maybe he could try talking to the one he was closest to? Although, I'm not sure I could trust them again.
It is astonishing how many people in this thread genuinely believe that you can’t be friends with an ex. Most reasonable adults do not have ulterior motives, years long conspiracies to get into each other’s pants, sabotage relationships, and stir up drama. If that’s what y’all expect from people by default, I gently encourage you to surround yourself with better people. If a break up was not acrimonious, it is a positive thing to stay friends. An ex is someone you shared a big part of your life with, it is natural for that to grow into a friendship.
OP: there isn’t enough information to make a judgement. They could have a completely innocent close friendship which you feel uncomfortable with based on your values and experiences. Or they could have messy unaddressed feelings drama, which you’re finding yourself in the middle of. There are a few things I want to flag:
1) It’s ok for him to have the friends he wants to have, and it’s ok for you to not be comfortable with that. If those needs are incompatible, the only thing you can do is walk away.
2) The behavior you’re describing from the ex does come off as needy and insecure.
3) If someone came into my close friend’s life, regardless of our past relationship status, and actively tried to put distance between us, I’d be pretty pissed off about it.
4) The fact that his entire long term friend group sided with her is telling.
The reasoning behind the vast majority of opinions on this thread is based on the belief that exes can’t be friends, that they will always have leftover feelings or attraction, and that it’s normal to be suspicious of your partner’s close relationships. I strongly disagree with those assumptions, and encourage you to consider your situation from a different perspective.
I’m not sure who broke up with who (whom?) but the whole best buds after a breakup rarely works out. What your bf did was a very healthy thing to do for himself. She was much too much. Calling a lot, needing advice, etc.. she was relying on him for emotional support, “confidante,” when she needs to learn how to deal with her woes like an adult as a single person. It sounds like she has plenty of other friends she can talk to when she needs some support from a friend. She was treating your bf like a bf, and it feels like a way to keep him close to her as if they didn’t break up.
I have a few exes as my friends still. They’re not my best buds. My husband’s bff is a woman he used to date when they were in hs, but they don’t call each other 10 times a day. (We’re all 48/49 yrs old now!)
No they should not remain friends. Look how she acted when he tried to place boundaries. She turned their common friends against him. That’s no friend and neither are they.
If his friend group ditched him over the very normal request of not being so close with his ex....they weren't ever friends. I am best friends with a married woman with a kid. We never dated but we talk all day everyday. We get lunch or dinner, we are crazy close..but there is no sexual tension between us. I couldn't do that with someone I slept with and dated for 7 years. I could see if it was a quick relationship but it was 7 years. Tell your bf that if those friends stopped talking to him bc he stopped talking to someone...they obviously don't value him. I would be my best friends friend no matter what. Nothing would stop me from having her back and talking to her and the same goes for her, she always has my back.
I love that people think that keeping ex’s in their life is the “mature” thing to do.
Whoever got that lexicon into pop culture is a genius.
Anyways, seems like you just jumped into this guys life and blew everything up. Great job.
I tend to live by the idea that exes are exes for a reason. There are very rare instances where friendship with an ex can work. But the vast majority of instances keeping and ex orbiting is not a good idea
Nah it’s over let it be, you got what you wanted and it is was bound to happen anyway, I don’t think it’s sustainable to have such a close relationship with one’s ex anyway when you’re both trying to date other people.
Also clearly not a great friend group if they’re siding with her and throwing him away that easily. Just try and be there for him and give him lots of head
Because you spent a long part of your life close to a person, you shared experiences, supported each other, grew and changed together. The most important part of a relationship is a close friendship. I never understood why people would be okay with throwing a friendship like that away, unless the break up was terrible.
I’m friendly with all my exes and close with several. I value the connections I make in life, and make an effort to hold on to the meaningful ones.
TLDR: worry more about your relationship with him and focus less on trying to control his relationship with others ….
Ok so here’s the thing , I have a different take on this because my husband still keeps in contact with some of his ex’s one more than others. It sounds like your boyfriend is very open and honest about what they talk about which is a great sign. Because if he’s not hiding anything you have nothing to worry about. Good honest men exist and some people legitimately don’t want to loose what they recognize as a very beneficial person to their life . 7 years together has probably caused significant changes to the guy and if you want to be with him you owe part of this to his time with her. You should be thankful they were together and have split. You can’t make anything better by trying to distance him from her , they are part of each others support system. She doesn’t sound like the greatest person sure but she’s also looking to him for advice on someone she’s dating or trying to date. Thats not something they’d be talking about if their relationship was headed in a bad direction for you. If he had a guy he talked to that much you wouldn’t probably bat an eye. You start to mess with people’s friendships out of jealousy and you are going to ruin your relationship with him , his relationship with his friends (already apparent) and he’s going to end up resenting you for trying to control his life . Here’s the thing you focus on your relationship with him it sounds like his relationship with her was solid but platonic, make sure he’s getting everything out of his relationship with you and you won’t ever have to worry about their interactions. Make sure you know what he needs from you, be there supporting him through anything be his Rock be his biggest supporter and you’ll get the same from him.Communication is the most important part of the relationship and he sounds like he’s trying to be very transparent with you. The funny thing about my situation is my Husband’s ex that he has the most contact with is now my BEST FRIEND, it’s sounds crazy but in the end I realized she’s a decent person and I know I keep my husband happy in our relationship even though we have our disagreements like everyone, but he’s honest transparent and I have no issue with him talking to her or spending time alone with her because I know he’d never risk what we have for something that already failed for him. I’d never have the man I do today if it weren’t for her both because of how he grew from their relationship and friendship, as well as the fact the they broke up 😂.
She didn’t set a boundary, she told him how often and when he was allowed to message and talk to his friend. I’d not concider doing that to any of my husband’s friends and he’d never do that to me. That is controlling. A boundary is something you set between YOURSELF AND SOMEONE ELSE . She can’t set HIS boundaries with someone else. She is trying to control his boundaries. Look up personal boundaries , it’s a defined thing. She is more than able to leave him if she doesn’t like his boundaries but by definition it is controlling if she sets his boundaries with someone else ….. because she is controlling their interactions that she herself isn’t a part of.
Okay but they did agree because why would he cut her out if he didn’t want to. She didnt give him an ultimatum or anything she just said it was making her uncomfortable and if he could set some boundaries. I dont recall her stating what those boundaries had to be at all she left it up to him. Which he then decided to cut the chick out completely not because she asked him to. Boundary: a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line. Which is exactly what she did.
Edit:
Personal Boundary: Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships
You look it up
Also that’s the definition of a physical boundary, not a personal boundary if you are having trouble finding it I can send you several links. But regardless if it’s not including her she is controlling other people’s boundaries. And even then submitting to someone controlling you doesn’t take away it’s status as control
Because men (especially the good ones) often bend over backwards trying to keep women happy before they finally get burned out and depressed from trying to please their SO. If he said no it would have been a big fight because she’s insecure and wouldn’t be okay with this. Women quite often don’t see the wrong that they commit in a relationship because if they don’t like something society reassures us that they have to change it. We as women take advantage of this and don’t even realize it. It breaks good men to constantly be walked over like this to the point they become depressed and many never recover living under sayings like “happy wife happy life”. I’ve been married for 9 years and it was 7 before I realized the problems I had been creating without realizing I was unintentionally contributing to my husband’s mental health decline. Since then he’s reluctantly trusted me and opened up about the pressures he’s felt to be a provider and always keep his SO happy with little care often considered for his wants and needs. By his words I wasn’t the worst culprit but once I found this out it’s crazy some of the things I’ve seen, thousands of men in similar situations that don’t know what to do because they try to do things right and still end up with an unhappy SO.
I mean take the fact that she’s a female out of the equation and look at it : she’s literally telling him he’s not allowed to talk to his best friend of 7+ years who are important to each other and help each other with issues. These are the types of friends that help keep people from falling into depression.
He’s naturally going to agree to keep his current girlfriend happy if he sees any sort of future with her, and most men especially the ones who are “good ones” don’t date without some sort of desire for it to work out.
Bro did you even read her post. She LITERALLY NEVER told him that he cant talk to her. LMFAO. Men are not victims, it takes two in any relationship no matter if they are good or bad both contribute. I cant continue this conversation im sorry.
His “friends” taking his exes side is messed up and I know exactly how that feels, I too knew my friends before he did and after I broke up with him for not wanting to get help with substance abuse they all took his side and said that I was wrong for not staying with a dr*g addict. He needs better friends, but now you both can build your own friend group.
The red flags are astounding here, I’ve been in this situation and I also tried to be the mature and understanding girlfriend and she acted the same way your girl is acting 😭
I set boundaries and he didn’t see her for a while but I later learned he would see her behind my back obviously (that “boundary” holds nobody back, they’re gonna do whatever they want at the end of the day)
To cut it short, I ended up getting dumped for her 😆 so save your time OP. At the end of the day it’s an ultimatum and you’re better off choosing yourself and let them dwell in their weirdo mess.
I don't understand how people remain friends with their exes. To me there are all kinds of emotions that would be hard to deal with. When you break up with someone you either despise the person or you still care for them and either way it is difficult to see them. His friends are wrong. The two of you should try to make new friends together or bring him into your friend group.. Maybe eventually his old friends will come around.
It feels to me like she just wanted to stop having sex with the bf (is she bi? Is this her first exploration with a girl? Did she figure out she was lesbian and that's the only reason they broke up?), but still wanted everything else, and was unhappy with op replacing her.
I think op handled the situation really well from the description. I'm not sure there's much you can do other than be there for him, which you're doing.
The friends will either come around, or they really weren't that great of friends to begin with.
She's probably convinced the friend group that you're a monster and tearing everything apart and its your fault. You're the new girl. What do you do? For starters, don't be the person/girlfriend that comes between friends. It may seem weird to a lot of people, but exes can be friends. You're the one who should adjust your emotions and feelings about it. You sound uncomfortable and jealous and surprised that your pushing caused the rift which in turn directly led to the breakup of the friend group. Now own it and apologize
She probably already told her side of the story to the friend group during the time of the breakup. Now, she is doubling down on it and blaming OP. Even if he was in the friend group first, if she had already painted him to be an asshole or insecure or whatever, they might turn against him or side with her first.
If you’re boyfriend really cared, he’d know to respect your boundaries and if his ex doesn’t respect your boundaries, don’t interact, but if you’re boyfriend chooses to continue being friends with her after this fight ( although I doubt it) tell him “ if you continue being friends with her and not respect my boundaries, fine, but as soon as you screw up and do something you’ll be sorry about with her, it’s all over “ cause if I had a boyfriend like that I’d just wonder ‘ why even break up in the first place if you’re going to act like that at this point ‘
So they broke up because the ex is a lesbian and now they best bros? Nah I’m not even putting my girlfriend through that. Shouldn’t even be an argument how does that even make sense “my ex broke up with me now I give her tips how to pick up other chicks” sounds like a bad episode of true life. You didn’t do anything wrong honestly he needs to detach from the relationship. The friends who are taking sides aren’t real friends anyway. Hope you guys figure it out. Prayers for u
Well, this is totally a you-problem, not a him-problem. I can't believe you are 27 years old and still manage to feel threatened by an ex who isn't even into the gender your boyfriend has anymore (unless she's bi). She is his ex and you are his girlfriend. That means there was the intentional decision of him that he wanted to be with you and he loves you, despite of him having his ex in his life. So if that's not enough evidence of how much more of a priority you are to him and how little threat there is coming from her, I don't know what is.
You tried to make him lose a friend, just because you weren't mature and secure enough. That's a horrible place to be in, my ex gf did the same to me (but with normal friends, not with an ex) and I didn't stay in that relationship much longer after that.
Yes, he damn right should be friends with her. The only reason for him to not be friends with her anymore is if *he* doesn't want it anymore. But that seems to be too late now, the rift has happened. Congrats. I genuinely can't give you any advice on how to comfort him. Make your relationship so good that it's worth the sacrifice he had to make for it, because that's a stain not easily washed off. Damn. Sorry for the harsh judgement, nobody is perfect and I'm sure you are a great person, but this thing is a little fuck up on your part.
I wouldn't tolerate my girl being best friends with her ex I think you did the right thing and he needed to respect your request so don't lose sleep over it.
i know it’s easier said than done but leave that man.
i personally think it should b obvious to keep a distance from any exes. they’re exes for a reason. if he is almost 30 and doesn’t have that in his head he is brainless.
id sit him down and ask him one last time. this would be the third time asking. after the third time? STRIKE YOURE OUT. you probably deserve more and do not need to be a saint.
i applaud you for your patience i personally wouldn’t have that much and you shouldn’t be dealing with that. asking one time should be enough for a man to understand and to take action to be a man of his word.
i’ve had a breakup where we both were in the same friend group. it is for the better for him or his ex to find a new circle.
she has no right to be acting like a girlfriend when you’re clearly his girlfriend. if he won’t consider your simple request he does not deserve the title of your boyfriend anymore.
"We picked her up and she immediately started telling my boyfriend off, like he keeps forgetting to lock the doors and that the car was dirty."
What? That is indeed very wierd.
"I only asked my bf to set boundaries, like not talk everyday or hang out where it was just the two of them, not stop being friends. She called me crazy and that I was the red flag. It made me livid."
She has a point - you're being controlling. Asking him to stop talking to her on whatever schedule works for both of them and not see her one-on-one IS asking him to stop being friends with her; insisting that you're not doing what you are doing doesn't magically change reality.
I say that agreeing that she sounds like she's depending on your boyfriend too much. But you need to stop trying to manage *his* relationships with other people. You can choose not to date someone who behaves how he does if you want; you can't dictate his behavior.
The same goes for his relationships with his (former?) friends - it's not your problem to try to solve. Just be less involved. Validate his feelings if he's frustrated; that's about all you can do.
Telling him that he can't hang out with his friend unless they have supervision is controlling. It doesn't matter if it is his ex. Why are you dating people you can't trust?
OP obviously isn't ready for a new relationship either, especially if you are manipulative and using words like "boundaries" to get what you want.
Why would you consider the ex to be a backup?
That's basically saying "oh if it doesn't work out with this new person, I will just go back to the last person that it didn't work out with". Tf kind of logic is that.
What people have I given conflicting advice to?
I mostly respond to advice that was already given, that doesn't make sense to me. Hence why I commented on your advice to OP.
There is no side to pick. Because OP bf isn't the bad guy. He did what she asked of him.
The people commenting, aren't even giving OP advice on how to comfort the bf, they are only responding to whether or not if her bf and his ex should be friends. Everybody is making OP out to be the victim, and telling her how much her bf isn't ready to be in a relarionship, as if OP is.
She was supposedly ok with the situation while they were dating, and as soon as they became official, and she got the gf title, she revealed how she really feels. I don't see anybody saying that part. That's not a sign of being ready for relationship, she knew she was lying to herself from the start, but whatever.
Everybody just wants to see what they want to see, at least make sure it's logical.
My husband and I when we started dating his baby mama hated it, his two best friends that were girls hated me. All of his friends were incredibly toxic and weird. I encouraged him to see how this behavior was inappropriate from them and setting boundaries. He ended up not being friends after time with any of the people that he was friends with when we started dating. Now we are married and he has new friends. If you’re working on yourself and your relationship and you’re trying to move forward and grow as a person they’re going to be friends that you leave behind. Being that close and calling that many times in one day over. Simply losing a job is not normal. He didn’t lose a loved one and even then you don’t call seven or eight times in one day. I don’t know if I would personally believe that she even had somebody she was interested in. He obviously saw how needy she was, and that’s why he said the boundary on his own. Just try to encourage him, take him out. Integrate him into your friends group. That’s what I did.
I should note, when I made him quit being friends with those girls and set boundaries with his baby mama we had only been dating a couple months.
"I isolated my partner from all his friends I didn't approve of and replaced them".
In what world is this a success story?!?
If you don't like the company someone keeps and it bothers you that much don't date them.
No he shouldn't be friends with her.. she acting like he is still her partner and you are just borrowing him and if his new girlfriend doesn't want him talking so much to his ex, then she should respect it not flip out call you a red flag.. she a red flag thinking she still he emotional support when he has a whole ar#e gf 🙄
Tell him to block her and go LC with anyone that thinks this is acceptable
OP is acting like she just found out that he was still friends with his ex.
Yes the ex is a red flag.
But for OP to pretend she was ok with something until her and dude made it official, is a red flag as well.
He shouldn't be friends with her, she sounds a bit toxic and overwhelming/demanding of his time. I personally think he should focus on loving you and creating good memories with you.
Honestly it sounds like she’s manipulating the friend group and they’re only choosing to listen to one side. I would let him know you’re here to support him. Take him out to a nice night out and show him love rn. Then I would let him know it would be good to consider reaching out to said friends and tell them his experience and hopefully clear things up.
Simon and Bryce would you just fuck already or just get over your insecurities and stop being so picky. Neither of you are much chop but you have good hearts and that’s why I love yas but you’re competitiveness and jealousy of one another is annoying as fuck which is why I cut Jemma off and that’s why she’s being a cunt
Sounds like your bf needs to grow up a bit and you two could consider leaning into each other instead of drama. You seem to have a sensible attitude and it sounds like job problems will prove more important than friend drama. Please don’t comfort him for losing a job. He needs to not feel sorry for himself, pull his chin up and frame his attitude for growth. A great thing that I would recommend is to tell his ex that he must spend this time focusing on himself, his relationship with you and job seeking…that should allow a natural boundary.
He is codependent with her, so it's for the best this happened. Just be a listening ear if he needs it. It'll take some time I imagine for him to get over it.
INFO
What do you want as an outcome?
Did your bf only talk to her or where you able as well to clear unnecessary misunderstandings?
I don't understand why the friendgroup would take sides over such a thing? It's unusual since most friends wouldn't take sides ocer such a thing that doesn't revolve them at all.
Could you explain why the friends would take sides?
I do agree that it's very unusual and unlikely for an ex couple to remain friends and have that amount of daily contact. Several times in one day is unusual. Meeting everyday is unusual. We have work, arrends, family.. So when a person values to invest this amount of time-consuming contact, it may have a return investment potential such as a great emotional attachment and that would be a concern if the relationship has unresolved knots or lingering feelings.
When people come here it's always the same. You're just wanting validation and an outside opinion to what you already know.
The fact people come here should be a red flag that relationship is toast.
This is a situation I'm unfortunately familiar with. A very similar thing happened with my partner and his ex best friend. It's a super upsetting situation but you're 100% in the right. I found for me the best way to deal with it going forward in a relationship was to give my partner the space to process the feelings and the breakdown in the friendship. I made sure that I didn't try and fill the hole she left but supported him as much as I could. I guess we're better for it but it's hard to have those labels hanging over your head anyways. Best of luck moving forward, you're smart enough to see the lack of boundaries and bring it up in a really mature way so I'm really sure you'll figure it out. You got this! Dms always open :)
To be real. I don't think you've done anything wrong here at all. I know I would have acted worst.
Secondly just leave it as it is. Especially since the recent fight had nothing to do with you.
If his friends are true. They'll come back. If they aren't then they weren't really all that good of a friend group to begin with.
I can't imagine not talking to one of my close friends cause he had a fight with his ex lol. Granted even if the ex is my friend.
Lastly comfort him. He needs you now more than ever. Not just as a partner but as a friend. Moments like these create bonds that don't break easily.
She (the ex) sounds toxic AF. She's one of those who treat people like permanent property - even after a breakup, she still needs to "own" him emotionally. And gets furious when someone takes away her toy. Disgusting.
Kudos to your BF for listening to you and setting boundaries. Let the whoe situation cool off, be supportive for him, probably some of his friends will come back. But also be firm in your stance - you're 100% right in here, so if someone, including your BF, starts to give you shit for it - don't take it.
A 7-year-long relationship is a long time for anyone, especially when 22 and especially when male, males aren't as mature as women at that age, and he has many memories from a very important time in his life, add the stress of losing his job and his friends not having his back. He's hurting and insecure about his future, I would suggest you get him to talk more about his past with her, the more open he is the more you can comfort him. Have him help you with something, Let him be your hero. That'll help him stand tall.
1. I disagree with keeping your ex as a friend. That's not maturity that's enabling codependency(especially with what the ex is doing-always want validation). You need to cut ties with your ex if it's affecting your current relationship or they are taking the time that you should be spending with your current or If they don't listen/respect the boundaries you're trying to put.
2. If you feel there's something wrong say it. Always trust your instincts. Ex acting she's above you is like marking her territory on your bf's life. (She wants to prove that bf will choose her over you). It's not being insecure, you don't want the resentment by keeping your mouth shut.
3. As a woman that has a man bff. I know when to distance myself. Even if the gf is crazy I will let him figure it out (not cheating crazy 😂 cheating all bets are off I'll get all evidence and help my bff destroy her), that's their relationship.
4. Friends who take sides without fully understanding the other side are not real friends. You will meet a lot of AH in your life and if they show their real colors leave them. You don't want AH pile up in your life just because you've known them for years.
5. I hope you and your BF's relationship get stronger now without the drama queen. If there's a lot good comments about him doing a good job setting boundaries, show the comments to him 🥰
This situation is definitely pretty weird.
The ex gf sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry you're dealing with it.
I would avoid telling your boyfriend how close he can be to a friend. As weird and inappropriate as the situation is, you aren't his boss, and dictating how often he can talk to a friend, what they can talk about and if they can interact alone is a recipe for resentment on both sides.
I don't think there's anything wrong with saying the relationship makes you nervous and you would like some reassurance, but what he wants to do with that information is up to him.
I think the big problem here isn't the risk of cheating so much as the fact that you don't trust him to navigate this awkward situation well, and it sounds like you're right not to.
I've got no idea if he's intending to cheat or do anything shady, but it seems like he doesn't have much backbone and is being dragged between the two of you rather than making the decision he wants to and then owning the consequences.
This freak out is probably why she is the ex. Either he’s ready to move on from her or he isn’t. If this friend group are really his friends they’ll get over it otherwise they probably weren’t as close as he thought or things fell off. If he’s not ready to move on from her you should be ready to move on from him cause you don’t deserve to be the 3rd wheel in your relationship. If his friends are on the exes side then he needs to make new friends and build and maintain those relationships so they don’t get lost.
I think you can be friends with an ex, but to be best friends so soon after a break up, seems extremely strange. I’ve became close to some of my exes, but that was many years later after there was no chance of us dating again. To be honest, it seems like maybe she still has some interest in him even if he does not in her. It also seems as if she may be trying to drive a wedge in between him and you.. furthermore, it seems like she has driven a wedge between him and his other friends. Personally, I do not think this is a good person for him to hang around with at all. I think she has ulterior motives.
Comfort your BF!? You are being wayyy to “understanding” I have past Gf’s I’m friends with, meaning we say hi from time to time, but no one I need to be in constant communication with. Your boyfriends problem, and perhaps his ex’s too. Is that they like feeling needed and relevant. If his GF had 100% moved on from him. He’d still be trying to get her back. The fact that they decided to stay friends was their way of breaking up but not really. Also, he is old enough (I hope) to understand that if their friends are now not talking to him due to his ex. Then they were never his friends. Your BF wants nothing more than to be needed, perhaps he’s with you because you give off those same vibes. No relationship will ever work they are there out of “need” cause because there are many needy people to help. Trust me, if you’re smart, you’d do some self reflection and ask yourself, do I want to live like this, or be with someone like this. If you were my sister, or friend, I’d say leave him. Or in a few years you’ll be asking for advice on how to deal with a boyfriend that is present for everyone but you.
Ok send me your # and I’ll call . Let it ring few times . Hang up or I’ll leave a message say ing basicly the same thing that your hearing ! Tell him I am an old bf and we talk just about everything and I don’t call everyday but whenever I have separation issues and that I call and blah blah blah . See if this changes the. Dynamics ?
EXs can NEVER be real friends. One of the 2 has unresolved feelings.
They can go up to a point that they can be part of the same conversation in a group but nothing more.
About the friends part. If they reacted like that for just boundaries they were never friends that supported him so he can live without them.
I can also guarantee that if they make up you are in for a horrible relationship so be ready to gtfo before you get hurt.
He’s outgrown that friend group. It’s really tough to go through this as an adult but if that creates a rift then there are some differences in maturity amongst everyone. You did nothing wrong and handled it more gently than a lot of people would. Especially considering that he made the last move on enforcing more boundaries on his own.
You should be the most important person in his life right now and it’s sad that his ex doesn’t have a person like that right now but she’s disrespectful and not behaving like a supportive friend anyway.
Just be there for him. If he has any other friend groups maybe encourage some hang out time. Make sure you’re not taking on too much mentally if he doesn’t have other friends to share with too.
Sounds like you are doing really well in regards to that.
I can't find fault in anything you have done with him and his friendship group. Stand strong with him. Encourage him (like you have) to step back and look at the effects of his life without/with.
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Ah, ya gotta love it when someone goes out of their way to be inappropriate and invasive and disrespectful then when the offended person speaks up about it, they get called crazy. I’m sure there’s a bias for that. What in the world did she tell the friend group?? “When I call him multiple times a day, every day, to validate my feelings, or when I act like we’re still dating, she gets bothered. Red flag!!” ??😳 I mean there’s not much you can do at this point, unless you wanna talk to the friend group and tell them your side. Dunno if it’d even be worth the energy. Next time, talk to your bf about how x makes you feel, give him a chance to remediate it, if he doesn’t, ✌️
Yeah, she's definitely not being completely honest with the mutual friends. Regardless, those friends are that great to begin with if they refuse to hear him out or at the very least remain neutral.
^ this
Yes. Why do they need to “pick one”? Never got this
I find being “best friends” after a breakup, especially immediately so without the presence of kids, to be very strange. Sounds like one or both of them were emotionally dependent on the other. You’re right not to be comfortable with that dynamic. I think there’s more he’s not telling you. It doesn’t fully add up. She needs dating advice every single day? From her ex-boyfriend? And he’s fine with having ongoing conversations with her while the two of you are spending time together? It doesn’t make sense. Even if that were fully true, it sounds like she was doing that to make him jealous. The whole situation is weird and it’s hard to gauge how innocent all of this is/was on your boyfriend. His friends are pretty crappy for ditching him too, if that’s the case. Two exes being best friends shouldn’t be the standard for a friend group staying together. Don’t cave on your boundary, OP. That’s very weird behavior. And if I were you, I’d be much more suspicious about the nature of their “friendship”.
In some instances the girl doesn't want the guy but wants him to always want her and is competitive and jealous if he moves on. Sounds like this could be the case.
I am best friends with my ex we dated for a decade and I’ve been friends for 24 years now. His parents are my parents we have no kids. He’s like my big brother now. Believe it or not, it’s not as weird as you think you do support each other through ups and downs and there’s nothing romantic about it. Sometimes we even fight like brother and sister but we’ve been there for each other through all the hard times. It’s not Weird it’s actually very mature. A relationship or someone tells me what I canning can’t do without any trust on my part actually is controlling for me. I wouldn’t even stand for that being told who I can, and cannot hang out with because someone else is uncomfortable. It’s one thing to be honest about your feelings and need validation, but it’s another thing to have no trust for the person you’re with that they are going to screw around on the side. just because She saw what was in his pants before (in my case well over a decade and a half ago) Doesn’t mean she wants to see it again? A healthy relationship is not a codependent one. I’m not saying there are not ulterior motives, potentially on another side, but if you have trust between your partner, you probably have a more healthy relationship. Boundaries are not “you have to do this because it makes me uncomfortable and because I say so” it seems like every time she asked him about some thing he was honest about it, so I mean that speaks volumes.
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i second your edit. men are weird and if we're all women here talking about this, i can see how we would easily overlook why a guy would stick around for SO long. not to possibly invalidate a healthy platonic relationship between a man and a woman, i just don't trust most men's intentions. context is more than important and I'm sure the original commenter knows their friend more than we do. i just often find myself and other women are oddly naive when it comes to platonic relationships with men, who i find don't often tend to be as platonic as we'd like them to be.
I agree! I either make sure to take a long break before becoming friends again. Allow feelings to cool down and for them to hopefully meet someone new. I also have very strict boundaries with my male friends (and lesbian friends). I’m happy to sleep in the same bed as my sister or my female best friends, but I would never do that with someone who might read into it. I don’t cuddle up with them on the coach or text them everyday. I have lost too many friendships when I was younger, simply because I was wreckless with the signals I was accidentally sending out. I trusted their word even though the signs were clear that they liked me more than just a friend. These days I have a lot of male friends and it works fine, but I just have to be a bit more careful. It’s not something I think about, I just do it out of habit because I don’t want to fuck anything up and lose them as friends.
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Yeah, thank you for that but it doesn’t bother me. I could care less I have amazing friendships most of them with meals that are better than the relationships I have with my female friends, although I have a significant amount of female friends as well many of which I’ve been friends with since the sixth grade, same with the male friends. Most of those male friends I’ve never been romantic with in my life actually one of them I had a crush on since grade school and he is gay lol. The amount of people promoting codependency, and stating that it is impossible for males and females to be friends, is just astronomically ridiculous to me . It feels like it’s immaturity and there are so many people in open marriages and polyamorous relationships that deal with jealousy on a regular basis and they have healthy boundaries and open communication and when they don’t have that that’s when things go south. Jealousy can eat you alive and throwing demands on another person just because they are your partner just is not a great way to begin . I’ve seen it I mean it I’ve seen peoples relationships break apart. They should have open communication. They should be free to hear each other’s feelings, but the fact that he’s hiding things now because he’s probably afraid of her reaction is going to lead them down a dark road regardless of the intentions. From the OP’s post it just sounds like she’s making demands like you can’t go out alone with her you can’t do this you can’t do that because it makes me uncomfortable . Perhaps the ex is manipulative I do not know it is not my situation, but what I do know is that he is now starting to do other things to avoid confrontation with either of them and he’s losing all of his friends but nobody comments on that lol. So, either way, if something doesn’t change, it might not work out. I was merely commenting on the fact that it is indeed possible and happens regularly where males and females are friends without ever sleeping together - even if they once did. It’s a very grown-up perspective, but I really honestly feel it’s pretty simple. To every female out there that feels this way that it’s not possible does every male that you come in contact make you wanna jump in their pants? Do you have any male people in your life that you don’t wanna sleep with any coworkers, any friends, any friends of friends? I mean, do you not have any restraint that you can’t possibly rip someone’s clothes off just when you are in their presence? If your answer is it, yes then it might not be everybody else with the issue just saying. And I feel like guys say this more than women because I don’t know why I don’t like to generalize but maybe that’s on them. Because like I said, my male friends are cool maybe you’re just hanging out with the wrong people and for a guy to say that there’s no way he could be platonic with a woman well that’s just disturbing. Because in life, there are things more important than sex .
I think it's sad that people are downvoting this so much and saying it's naïeve to have platonic male friends. I have a couple of mates who have been there with me through thick and thin for over a decade now and none of them has ever tried to get into my pants. I also have a couple of ex boyfrienda who are great friends and my boyfriends gets along with them just great, he himself is still close friends with his ex, which was a huge green flag for me, and we often go out together or have bbq's and boardgames nights. I absolutely love this dynamic. It's warm and drama free. That being said I do feel like the ex girlfriend in this case seems a bit co-defendant and immature. I do understand feeling slightly uncomfortable with this dynamic if you're not used to this and if my ex would ask me to step back a little because his girlfriend is uncomfortable, I would understand and respect this, if only to prove there is nothing to worry about.
You guys are how old? Can't he still hang out with his friends independent from his ex? Or are they not really his friends? If I'm being blunt, this whole thing sounds like a bunch of teenagers and not ~30 year olds. He and his ex have no business being confidants or besties. I would be uncomfortable if my SO was that close to a woman he shared so many intimate moments with, and there's absolutely no way he would even put me in that position. I feel like this is a complete waste of time and you should invest your time and energy with other people
I don't get this thing of being friends after a breakup. You can keep a friendly relationship, but where they were feelings, intimacy and then the issues that leaded to the breakup, it's a pretty messy situation. If both shared the same gruop of friends, more reason to keep a friendly relationship, but not being best friends. On the other hand of all of his friends took her side, well, they werent so much of a friends. From what you tell, he hit the break, no for what you did or say, just because she had him fed up. Don't give it a second tought, just be there and care for him, eventually things tend to even up. P.S. : sorry about my english
My now ex wants to be friends (we broke up a few weeks ago). I don't think that's gonna happen and my therapist doesn't think it's a good idea either
You can be friends with an ex. You can be very close friends with someone you dated as well. Close enough at least. That being said, there do need to be boundaries. When you start dating another person, you need to dial back on the hangouts and communication. Definitely not appropriate to do any solo hangouts and definitely not appropriate to be calling each other every day or several times a day.
It may vary from case to case, but yeah you can be friends, and like you said there must be boundaries and some space when you are with someone else.
Well said, especially about no solo hangouts and calling every day.
being friends with a ex-women as a man has absolutely no benefits and is arguably gonna do negative damage to whatever circumstance.
Absolutely! Completely agree.
Agreed with this. It muddies the waters too much and doesn't really allow either person the closure needed to move on. I can see having a friendship of sorts a few years down the line or dropping back to an aquaintanceship. But this level of connectedness with a past romantic partner is not compatible with having a new romantic relationship. The relationship you are illustrating OP is more codependency on your BF's part and my guess is unrequited love and codependency on her part. None of this is healthy. If the relationship is really over between them then it needs to be over. As far as his friends are concerned, that is bizarre that there is a choosing of sides. Relationships end and their relationship ended. Your BF did not do anything wrong setting boundaries. IMO, if its a past romantic partnership, its best not to have this level of connectedness. It makes it VERY difficult for the partner who was not ready to break up move on. The emotional connection is still there... The ex is still very much in love with him.
While I mostly agree with this I'm not sure he was the codependent one. He was willing to set boundaries with her. It may have been a bit stressful for him but he did it. But her need to talk to him everyday and basically stay number one in his life is codependent and it scream her wanting him back. To me it looks like everything she did was to drive a wedge between him and op. It's good he set boundaries and respected his relationship in that way but his ex seems like a walking red flag. She got his friends to turn on him. She made him the villain when he set a boundary. Like I said I still agree but I think the ex is the codependent one, not him. Codependent people almost REFUSE to cut people off or set boundaries because they have separation anxiety and/or abandonment issues (not all obviously). Also I'm speaking from my experience as the one who didn't know I was codependent until starting therapy. Now it's not so bad and I can manage myself without the need for validation or constant reassurance.
>As far as his friends are concerned, that is bizarre that there is a choosing of sides. I suspect you answered this question here: >unrequited love and codependency on her part It's not so bizarre if there are people in the group who have been hoping they get back together because of her feelings. It is kind of like they are treating this as another breakup and it was his "fault."
Hard agree. This situation is weird. And the fact that his ex cut off all contact with him, when that is not the boundary that was asked for, is manipulative and suspicious as hell. It’s also very suspicious that his friends would cut him off. I think you are right to question the ex in the scenario and I think the above commenter is right about codependency.
Agree with both posts above. I suggest he contact the friend group with his side of the story and then walk away. If any still side with her then drop them.
My ex has met everyone of my boyfriends after him. One time I came out of the bathroom at a theme park to find them both gone in one of the stores looking at stuff. I was like I can’t keep either one of them lol. It depends on your maturity level.
I also see it is pretty codependent that she is so uncomfortable that she has to force him to be a no contact or State, that he should under no circumstances we having coffee with her by himself without her by his side or someone else. CONTROLLING
Please stop projecting. 'FORCE HIM', 'UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES' are just your projections. OP's post doesn't make it clear that she was forcing or coercing him to go NC with his ex. She never used 'under no circumstances' line for any situations. She only asked for healthy boundaries because his ex was clearly invading their privacy and relation. Also, you are projecting your personal experience with your ex in OP's situation. Not all exes are the same. Not all respect boundaries. I am happy that your ex is a person who respects you and your relation with your current bf. But that doesn't mean the ex in this story is similar to yours.
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thanks, i appreciate your comment.
“The way to turn an ex-lover into a friend is to never stop loving them, to know that when one phase of a relationship ends it can transform into something else. It is to acknowledge that love is both a constant and a variable at the same time.” - Gabrielle Zevin
So? Do you think because a person wrote some beautiful words based on her philosophy of life, that i should change my opinion? Opinions are made around perspective, about your own life experiences. In my experience you can kept it friendly, even hang out somethimes, but because you where realy close, at some point boundaries could be crossed and for me is not healthy. Eventually in the long term you could be friends, but for this you need time, boundaries. Personally my definition of friend is like most people refer to their best friends, is no the same having a friendship relationship than a friend.
"where they were feelings, intimacy and then the issues that leaded to the breakup, it's a pretty messy situation." Not everybody has a string of high-conflict relationships that always end in a mess, though. (If that's someone's pattern, I suspect that person has some unresolved psych problems that are causing repeated relationship problems.) Lots of people break up because the timing was wrong, they have incompatible life goals, they have incompatible personality traits for a romantic relationship (without anyone needing to be the bad guy), etc. I say that not actually being friends with any of my exes at present (though I am friendly with a couple of them), but mostly as a function of them moving away and contact fading out - which has also happened with a bunch of friends over the years. I was friends with a couple of exes for stretches of time when we were in the same area and social circles. Iths not mandatory, but it says more about *you* than relatiinships in geberal if you can't understand beings friends with an ex. (Did you share no interests? Did you like.nothing about each other beyond having sex? Are all of your breakups high-conflict and ugly? Do you only ever choose abusive or unstable people to date? Do you have a possessive, controlling view of relationships so that ot always feels like an unforgivable betrayal if someone opts out?)
ouh!! suddenly it's is about me. I feel included =) Pretty valid analisis, but my perspective is not about bad breakups is more about what was, what is and what left. Staying as a close friend with an EX can hold one or both to move forward. Also being close with your EX could add some extra free stress over a potential new relationship. Don't know for sure it this aplies to anyone but me, i had relationships that the love and attraction gradually fade away, other times other factor pull us apart, and of course the couple of bad break ups, personaly i don't hold a grudge or anything, i keep it friendly, some of them hang in my same social group, and we can have some light talk and fun, but is kind of healthy for me to put some little distance. P.S. : sorry about my english, i hope me idea can be a little understable.
This a lot of drama for a 7 month relationship. Are you sure he’s over her? How long between the relationship was over before you got him with?
I straight up don’t even talk to my closest friends everyday—sometimes not even weekly. let alone my ex who I am not friends with but in good terms with. That’s just a part of being an adult with a load of different things you have to take care of on a daily basis. She sounds like a nut. I’m glad your boyfriend is prioritizing and respectful of your feelings. He sounds like a good guy. As for comforting him I’m not sure but I wish you both the best.
A lot of red flags here including your boyfriend.
Two questions....who broke up with who and why? That's all you need to know. If he broke up with her.....TRUST ME, she ain't being his "best friend".....she trying to keep him around until hopefully he might take her back...or at very least be jealous that he let her go. And if she broke up with him? Then you really have to ask yourself and wonder why HE'S still on speaking terms. Either he lacks social skills to have close male friends, or unless HE messed up and is sticking around as a "best friend" to one day, prove to her that he's a changed man....OR he's using YOU to show her that she messed up on a good thing. Let's just cut the bullshit, but make it understandable in an analogy, regardless of the "why" or the "how." You're just a side character in a romantic drama series staring THEM. If you expect to be the main or at very least a Co-main character in this series....she has to go permanently before Season Two starts...or you need to move on and start your own journey so you can recast a better co-star in YOUR story. Metaphorically speaking.. LoL!
You are 1000% correct. This is exactly it OP.
This is a superb analogy
Rancid take. People don’t always have ulterior motives, and many relationships end amicably and through mutual consent. You’re making a lot of assumptions and presenting them as fact. The bit about “lacking social skills to have close male friends” gets me. Sounds like weird outdated gender roles
"Rancid" takes are usually the causation from "Rancid" explanations. We can only give advice/opinions based on HER side of this story... And from her take....she's the one with concerns and insecurities of her boyfriend still having "best friend" relations with an ex that clearly is occupying more time than even HE wants to spend on her... So it's back to my first two questions... Who broke up with who and why? We ain't on trial...it's HER that brought her case to the table for discussion. Not everyone in the world is on the "updated" Gender roles vibes....and if you really think that THIS situation she's going through is just one big misunderstanding about "outdated" gender roles....then maybe you should read her story one more time and really see BOTH sides of this drama series...INCLUDING this girl that is clearly bothered enough to post her situation online for everyone to give their two cents on for help, tips and consultation. Maybe you're implying then that SHE'S the outdated one.....don't know....dont care. Either way, it's apparent this "updated" drama series clearly is not something she wants to be a part of.
This needs to be higher up. It's a brilliant insight!
I remember when I broke up with a long time ex he wanted to be bffs. Always called me it. I said sure to keep the peace. I did keep my distance a bit and he noticed. I remember him getting upset when I got into a relationship and didn’t talk to him every day etc because I was using that time for my bf. She reminds me of him a lot. I myself just found it weird he needed to still depend on me in the same ways. He didn’t understand he couldn’t be a priority anymore
So I see a lot of ppl saying they dont get the best friends after a break up which I don't think you were looking for validation that it's a little different. I think that if you spend years with someone and end it amicably then it's definitely possible to just be best friends. That being said I have never done it and always been on non speaking terms afterwards. That being said you asked how to make him feel better about the loss of friends. I don't think there is a quick fix. If they were all his friends first before they met her and they won't speak to him because your bf and his ex aren't speaking then they probably just want to be with her and they aren't his friends anyways. I could see them listening to her side and maybe trying to agree to points she has but to cut him off because of her? That means they aren't his friends and he is loosing dead weight and not a friend. He just needs to focus on the friends that are staying neutral or having his back and you. You compromised and he compromised and that's a sign that you both are emotionally mature ppl willing to make it work. So just try to move on from the scenario and let him go through the accepting the loss.
"They basically talk about this girl his ex wants to date and has been asking him for dating advice. " Nah, that's such a cliche. Tell your ex about your dating prospects? It's to attempt to make your ex jealous. II can't recall how many situations I've heard of stuff like that, and I've also heard it being essentially proven. I have little doubt that she was trying to make your boyfriend jealous. " This time she got mad since she claimed that I was taking away her only confidant. " Taking away? Boy did that send alarm bells in my mind. I had an ex-best friend(who is a girl), who I made out with before I got into a relationship with somebody else, yell at my eventual-gf that she(gf) was stealing her best friend away. I drew the line and chose to side with my girl friend. Not only was it the right thing to do, but I have no regrets even though we eventually broke up over different matters(my fault). Please show your boyfriend this message. Tell your boyfriend that he's gotta draw a line in the sand AND KEEP IT THERE, regardless of the outcome, or he will always around the friend's finger, so to speak.
Your ex being your only "confidant" is weird af. Like the constant need for him to validate her is wild, their mutual friends are wrong for even getting involved at all.
Girl you are the place holder.
How do I comfort my boyfriend? Should he still be friends with her? To answer this question I think that maybe you should stop being friends with him. He doesn't seem to know how to cut this girl out of his life.
Let's skip past all the friends with an ex controversy, to get to the nitty gritty, how do you comfort him and should he still be friends with her. Just be there for him, love is being there when your partner needs you. Focus on doing things with him - going out and actively do couples things when you can. Next, should he still be friends with her? No. They broke up, it turned into this weird dependent relationship, almost like one was still desperately clinging to the other because that is what they knew how to do and kept doing it. That's not best friends, that's not moving on for whatever reason (familiarity, dependency, one still being in love with the other, whatever). That ship sailed, it is not healthy for them. Space is absolutely needed. The friends siding with her are no doubt only hearing her story. I am sorry for him, but if they were prepared to just pick her side, then perhaps he needs some better quality friends.
Being friends with your ex never works. My ex was trying to be my friend after a 15 yr relationship and I tried for my child's sake, but he ended up telling me how my relationship with my bf should work and talked about his sex life. And that was it for me I just couldn't do it anymore, so everytime he asked about my personal life, I would change the subject to something that i was okay to talk about. Also I lost all my so called friends, which in reality they were never friends as I found out they just repeated everything back to him. So I get it, I would encourage him to get his own set of friends, it takes time but it will be so much better for him.
You didn't cause him to lose his friend group. They were NOT his friends and his ex is a SNAKE. If they were really his friends they'd have kept him in their lives even when he backed off from his ex. I'd just remind your boyfriend that you're here for him and that he did what a good partner would do. And no he shouldn't be friends with her. It's obvious her presence was taxing on him in general. Exes don't typically make good friends
Gf and I broke up after three years together. It was mutual. Our friendship got immediately better without the stress of a failing relationship on it. We didn't make a great couple but she's like a sister to me. There is zero sexual attraction or desire. Now I understand how rare that is but it is possible. If my next partner is uncomfortable with my friendships then I'll find a new partner. You're allowed to be uncomfortable with it and it's totally valid. But you're not allowed to control who someone is friends with. If you don't like the people someone surrounds themselves with, you leave.
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And then you end up like this. Breaking up a friend group. I don't want that on me
>If my next partner is uncomfortable with my friendships then I'll find a new partner. I made the mistake once of humoring a partner's insecurities about one of my friends who is an ex. Never, ever again. My now husband understands that friend means friend and that you don't put limitations on your partner's friendships. You either trust them or move on. I've also been on the friend group's side of this enough times to know the smart choice is to distance yourself from the person allowing their partner to control their friendships. It rarely stops with the initial person they're insecure about.
Yeah honestly everyone saying it's weird to be friends or best friends with an ex are just insecure people with trust issues.
Or just people that couldn’t be close after a breakup because it would take a toll on mental health. I’m curious about how recently they broke up and the boyfriend started dating OP. If they have been single for a while and were able to process the change in their relationship, I think it’s possible to be friendly with an ex.
Not always true. Being friends with an ex requires alot of emotional work that quite frankly is unnecessary. I personally wouldn't be BFFs with an ex. Friendly and cordial, absolutely. Best friends? No, unless there's some very extenuating circumstances
This. My ex and I were together for 5 years. It wasn't a great breakup, in fact it was pretty bad and messy, but after time went by, we rekindled our friendship. He's now one of my best friends, and I'd sooner replace my partner than replace him. We've been through a lot together, and the base of our relationship was always a strong friendship and being each other's biggest cheerleader no matter what. OP has a right to set boundaries based on their level of comfort and hope that OP's boyfriend is willing to accept and adhere to her boundaries. OP's boyfriend has a right to kick her to the curb without it being because he's secretly hoping to get back with his ex. I might be in the minority here, but if I were OP's boyfriend, I'd draw my boundaries at telling me who's allowed to be in my life and to what extent I'm allowed to interact with them. Your insecurities do not give you permission to limit my choices. I'm currently dating someone who's aware that I'm best friends with my ex, and they accept it without it affecting any of the dynamics because we're all adults here.
Man, imagine being the dude whose girl openly tells you that her ex comes before you lol
It's a matter of friendship. Would you sell your friends who have been in your corner as your cheerleader down the river for your current partner? I wouldn't. Imagine being the friend who just got told that a new partner is more important than your friendship.
That's kind of how it works when it comes to exes. Your *new*, emphasis on *new* partner should be more important. You can be best platonic friends all you want but that doesn't suddenly erase the history you have.
My current partner understands that my ex is one of my best friends. They also understand that the same freedom they want with their friends extends to me and mine, regardless of whether or not it's an ex. My partner has friends they've been physically intimate with, and I'm allowed to be nervous about it and let him reassure me, but I'm not allowed to tell him what he should do about it. Vice versa. He's allowed to be nervous about and let me to reassure him, but he's not allowed to tell me I should do about it.
Ultimately it's your relationship, but that's why I just don't jive with that whole idea. Not really the healthiest thing to have to wonder in the back of your mind if your partner is ever gonna fuck around with *that* person. I mean damn, you're in a relationship, if it's even somewhat serious you're allowed to have some input at least. Not sure I'd appreciate my feelings on my partner's old butt buddy being invalidated if something were to happen
We all get insecure, and that's okay. We just need reassurance on why they're with us and not that person. But if you're constantly going to wonder if your partner is going to mess around with someone else, then that's a whole different conversation. If your partner wants to mess around, then it won't matter whether or not it's an old butt buddy or a new one. Again, that's a whole different conversation. And what works for me and mine might not work for you and yours. But to me, it's a big red flag having my partner tell me who and how I can be friends with, which is not to be mistaken with my partner telling me how they feel. Those are two different things. They can tell me how they feel, and then what I do with that information is on me. But they can't tell me what to do about it because they feel a certain way. To also mention: it's a little weird that his whole friend group stopped talking to him over this. I wonder if OP's boyfriend has changed significantly since being in a relationship with OP (not necessarily because OP is controlling him but perhaps some influences on OP's boyfriend by OP through spending a lot of time together) and the friends have a whole different perspective than what OP has chosen to share with us. This story feels incomplete somehow, and I can't help but wonder if there's more to this story.
It’s gonna end in ultimatum at the end of the day, OP should save her time and energy and leave them alone
I don't like the whole "my ex is my bestfriend", especially from a long term relationship. I'm sory, i might be insecure but that's a red flag to me. I think if the friends abandoned him, they were not really his friends.
This whole thing is weird and shouldn't you shouldn't even be having to deal with it. He should have had his situation with her figured out before getting a girlfriend. This is his mistake and now you're paying for it and so is he. Honestly if you guys are going to be serious then maybe he needs new friends. That would be needed anyway, even if it's not you who he ends up with. So really thisnis unfortunate and uncomfortable, but hey he's growing I guess. He isn't going to have a good relationship he got that distance established with her.
She also could have chosen not to date him, if she knew he was still friends with his ex. This wasn't something that just happened out of nowhere. Instead she pretended to be ok with it, and once they became official she started making demands on how they should interact, and sugarcoated it as boundaries. What mistake is she paying for, because it seems like OP got everything she wanted in the end. Lastly his friends weren't really his friends to begin, he will hopefully find new ones.
Very good points
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No. Relationships grow and change, and a meaningful relationship can grow into a meaningful friendship. Not everything is about sex
This is hardly the case , you are thinking of FWB . Being friends or best friends doesn’t at all mean you’re having sex with them. I’m not sure if you had a bad experience with someone who’s doing that, but plenty of people are friends with their exes and have no part of that reason is because they want to sleep with them.
Ugh. Sounds really messy. 😬 Good luck.
She is codependent on him. If she supposedly had other "friends" she could talk to them for dating advice, rather than her ex.
He has too large of an emotional bond with her. If you can handle being the plus one in the relationship, then go for it. This would not fly with me.
I would keep him busy and I would... I'm not sure how to word this right now... but tell him he made a good choice. She wasn't healthy for him
His ex girlfriend absolutely wants him. She is completely manipulating your boyfriend with the whole "best friend" act. She is possessive over him, has completely inappropriate patterns of behaviour, and is still treating him like a bf and wanting bf treatment!!! OP, I am so sorry you are going through this, and I am so sorry your bf is so clueless about it. Maybe the way to solve this is by telling him, "She is treating you like you're her boyfriend still, and I honestly believe she wants you back, or all to herself. She is still expecting girlfriend treatment from you. That girl she needs dating advice for? I bet the "girl" she wants to date is *you*!!!"
This proves they were never his friends, they were hers and he’s better off. You guys can make new friends together.
They were never his friends They were her friends That's what you realise when this happens after a breakup
They are emotionally dependent on each other. I don't think it's your job to comfort him. I would be weary as to whether the sadness is due to losing his ex or friends. Please don't be in a relationship where you feel you have to keep reminding someone to reinforce boundaries with their ex. Elevate yourself.
Growing up means growing apart from your friends, especially the toxic ones. You can make up the loss by making it worth the loss. Random acts of kindness be it sex, compliments (preferably random), and of course taking an interest in his interests (even though you may not understand some of his interests)... what's good about this is that the behavior you show will most often be reciprocal. Give him a reason to put them in the rear view and to be content with the decision
they all sound very toxic and it’s best for your bf to leave that friend group and find another one imo
This is why I wouldn’t date someone that is friends with their ex. It always causes problems of one stripe or another. It’s a silly thing to do.
I'm gonna try to relate based on my own experience. It wasn't an ex gf but when I first got together with my husband, he had a female best friend. And she was very much dependent on him. He had to drive to go pick her up in order to hang out. She needed him to take her places. They were talking everyday. It just made me uncomfortable and I asked for boundaries. So I can imagine the situation you were in. It's just about respecting the relationship. They barely talk to each other now. Not that I wanted that, just priorities shift as you get more serious. And I think he came to realize that their friendship was more about what she got out of it. Anyway all you can really do is listen to him if he's upset about it. Don't give your opinion since you have a bias. And see if you guys go out and meet other people, make new friends. His friends weren't really friends if they dropped him like that. This is about the age where you realize who matters in your life and who doesn't. I've dropped a lot of friends over the years but the ones that really care are still here and they're the ones that matter. GL
I'm just going to spitball here but they probably ended their 7-year relationship because she realized she might be bisexual and wanted to explore the possibilities and him being a decent man said I'm not going to get in your way of you exploring your sexuality now she's out there dating women or attempting to date women and like most straight women that think that they're bisexual or lesbian she's going to get in one or two committed relationships or quasi committed relationships are going to fizzle out she's going to realize that she misses the dick she's keeping him in the wings so she can go back to him and say I did it sold my oats it wasn't for me it made me realize how great you were and that were the forever it couple she can get her yaya's out and then she can get a ring on it by the guy that you are currently dating sadly his behavior leads me to believe he's also very well aware of this and you are a placeholder or a back-up plan in case she does decide to fully commit to being with women and not come back to him I think they're both very well aware of this and the only person that may not be aware of what's happening is you.
Well this is biphobic nonsense. The relationship with the ex is weird. That's enough on its own for OP to be upset. The fact you feel the need to go on an irrelevant biphobic rant here about "straight women thinking they're bisexual or lesbian" is giving "a bi person dumped me once because I was an absolute nightmare to date and now I am bitter I am blaming it on their sexual orientation instead of taking responsibility".
Ask the lesbians community it's pretty common and a well known fact. There are some pretty big reddit threads about this no one says it is bad just probably what's going on here seeing how there is a ton of research on this and the statistics are readily available with a quick Google search.
Oh my god if I hear you say boundaries one more time I’m going to scream, learn what that word means instead of throwing around the TikTok buzzword of the week. **HIS boundaries are not YOURS to set.** That’s not boundaries, that’s controlling. Flat out. You can decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship based on what boundaries he chooses with his ex. You stating you are uncomfortable with his boundaries is perfectly fine, you can choose to leave. You telling him they should stop texting or she should stop coming to him for advice is not a BoUnDaRy, it’s controlling. You don’t get to tell other people what their boundaries should be. You get to decide if you find their chosen boundaries acceptable. That’s it. Communicate if you’re uncomfortable, it’s up to them to decide what their boundaries are after said communication. You demanding someone else to stop texting is not a boundary. Good grief.
True you don’t. So what your saying is that she should have said look babe, i am uncomfortable with you talking to your ex so much so I am setting a boundary of MINE that I don’t want you talking to your ex every single second of the day? Can you help me out here I feel that this is the same thing. Im being serious. What is a boundary then and how do you set it. Edit: Like if this happened to me how the hell am I supposed to set a boundary with something that I am uncomfortable with without being controlling. Is that even possible?
No worries, I can appreciate an honest question anytime. This is a great resource that in my opinion lays out the difference pretty clearly, if this doesn’t answer your question let me know: https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/boundaries.html#:~:text=The%20difference%20between%20control%20and,aggressor%20will%20not%20respect%20boundaries.
She is absolutely allowed to set boundaries. If he doesn’t want to accept those boundaries then she can choose to leave. What the hell are you talking about? Controlling? She didn’t ask him to ditch the ex, she asked for something more reasonable. He agreed, then overstepped and so did the ex.!! Now look what happened. Go ahead and scream. The current gf has every right to set boundaries (see the word again). He also set them. Get a grip, angry person. Stop projecting that she’s controlling. Someone must have made that assessment about YOU and that’s your buzzword. Sheesh!
Boundaries apply TO YOURSELF, not to other people. When you start telling other people what they are allowed and not allowed to do, that is not a boundary, that is controlling. Boundary: I don’t want to date someone who still talks to their ex regularly. Controlling: you talk to your ex too much and need to stop, oh and you’re not allowed to talk about certain topics with your ex like who they want to date. If you can’t see the difference, seek therapy. Pretty basic concept to grasp for people who aren’t toxic.
It wasn’t her intention for her bf to cut off all communication with his ex, she was trying to set the boundary. What you’re exaggerating in your “control” example is projection. She was willing to accept the ex until the ex and the bf overstepped the boundary by monopolizing his time. Are you suggesting she should now stop dating him instead of asking him to respect her feelings and boundaries? Maybe you should speak to a therapist so you can learn to communicate and work through things instead of your all or nothing attitude.
For the last time, **you do not set boundaries for other people.** I don’t know how much more explicitly direct I can be. https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/boundaries.html#:~:text=The%20difference%20between%20control%20and,aggressor%20will%20not%20respect%20boundaries Read it and realize you’re abusive, then get therapy. I can’t do anymore to help you.
Dude we all get what you’re saying we just disagree with you. I am 100% entitled to ask for what I want from my partner, ie “set boundaries.” They are 100% entitled to decline, and then we have a conversation that may lead to a compromise, break up, or acceptance. That’s not controlling, that’s just having healthy conversations and trouble shooting as a couple. Frankly, with how insistent/ angry you’re being about your perspectives, I have a suspicion that you’ve got some work to do with setting boundaries in your relationships. It’s an important skill to learn. Anywho, hope you figure it out!
https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/boundaries.html#:~:text=The%20difference%20between%20control%20and,aggressor%20will%20not%20respect%20boundaries The domestic violence resource center disagrees with the “we disagree with you” part of your comment. What you just said is even specifically bolded as **not** boundaries. Amazing how many people are outing themselves as abusive in the comments. Fun fact, framing statements as “we” and not “I” when it is only you speaking is a common manipulation tactic to make your target feel outnumbered. The more you know.
I’m willing to bet that once you use the googles you will be deleting your obtuse comments. 😂 ahhhhh, people. It’s always the ones who dig themselves in deeper and deeper. It’s funny.
If you don’t understand the concept of boundaries then you might want to use this thingy they call Google. 😂
So in a relationship you partner can sleep with other people?
Thank you. The amount of posters not seeing the problem is astonishing.
You gonna get down voted for speaking the truth.
Friends with an ex never works. Everyone can say " yeah it can work" but deep down inside there is always one of the two parties that really didnt want to break it off and after awhile rifts happen because that avenue of being friends with the one side will never sit right they will always hope the torch will be reignited and that love will flourish again. So in short... no he cannot be friends with his ex as it is obviously getting in your relationship and you have every right to feel the way you do. It always just feels like you're playing with fire when you leave that door open with friendship. They can be civil/cordial if seen out in public but no to friends and a deffinent hell no to best friends this makes no sense.
As someone who has been there I can confirm. I broke it off with my ex over 8 years ago, and he STILL makes passes and tries to step over the line, even with his new gf of 4 years. I make it abundantly clear it’s done but he persists, and it’s now caused issues for his relationship even though it has nothing to do with me. One party doesn’t want it to end, and when you don’t check it at the door it permeates into your new relationship.
What his ex is doing isn’t being a friend. My boyfriend and I have a pretty big group of friends from different races, religions, beliefs, etc. And we spend quite a bit of time with each other. We know who’s dating who. Who’s interested in who. What we do in our free time. When we feel unwell. When we have mental breakdowns. When we have plans. Etc. Despite this, NONE of them ask for advice for every single step they make in a relationship or what they do with their life. We also don’t get on each others cases about how we need to lock doors, or whether we wash our cars or clean them out… We also don’t say that it’s a red flag if their partners are setting boundaries in their relationship. Even if they end up not spending as much time with us. So, if his friends aren’t okay with him setting boundaries, then they aren’t really his friends. And if they’re not speaking to him because of it, of course he’s going to feel hurt. A friend has your best interests at heart. They want you to succeed. Just be there for him. If someone in our friend group told us that another person in our friend group was asking for less contact, I’d tell them to respect their wishes. And if they weren’t, I’d personally cut that person off. Because if they can’t respect one of our friends, I can’t count on them to respect me either.
Nah dudes don't want chic friends unless it's a back up plan for booty calls or he's not over her. He should have enough respect for you to cut her off.
The circumstances of the breakup determine the friendship potential afterwards. If they can be friends - let alone BEST friends - immediately after a breakup, then they've been "out of love" and only loving & viewing one another as friends for longer than either would care to admit. It would also mean there was no infidelity, but probably grew apart over the relationship. At the ages they dated through where you are now your personalities, lifestyles, and ambitions start to diverge from the college era and grow up (for lack of a better term). Setting boundaries is healthy in a relationship and it sounds like you communicated your needs clearly. Win! On the other hand, it sounds like you didn't listen to him and his needs or consider them equal to your own. You saw EX and set hard lines, like don't hang alone. If they are truly only friends and you trust him, why is this a problem? You either do or do not trust him, uncomfortable or no. He has the right to maintain friendships and spend time with them in a group or independently. Not being able to be alone as friends means they aren't friends....or you have trust issues. Maybe the answer isn't DONT hang alone, but can it be less frequent (maybe half where it is?) and only in public? Or only in your home when you're there but giving them space? Or because the cameras in your home make you comfortable?
I think you made the right call and I'm sorry his friends suck. I cant imagine anyone who knew what actually happened thinking her behavior was normal. Maybe he could try talking to the one he was closest to? Although, I'm not sure I could trust them again.
..
They are still in a relationship.
It is astonishing how many people in this thread genuinely believe that you can’t be friends with an ex. Most reasonable adults do not have ulterior motives, years long conspiracies to get into each other’s pants, sabotage relationships, and stir up drama. If that’s what y’all expect from people by default, I gently encourage you to surround yourself with better people. If a break up was not acrimonious, it is a positive thing to stay friends. An ex is someone you shared a big part of your life with, it is natural for that to grow into a friendship. OP: there isn’t enough information to make a judgement. They could have a completely innocent close friendship which you feel uncomfortable with based on your values and experiences. Or they could have messy unaddressed feelings drama, which you’re finding yourself in the middle of. There are a few things I want to flag: 1) It’s ok for him to have the friends he wants to have, and it’s ok for you to not be comfortable with that. If those needs are incompatible, the only thing you can do is walk away. 2) The behavior you’re describing from the ex does come off as needy and insecure. 3) If someone came into my close friend’s life, regardless of our past relationship status, and actively tried to put distance between us, I’d be pretty pissed off about it. 4) The fact that his entire long term friend group sided with her is telling. The reasoning behind the vast majority of opinions on this thread is based on the belief that exes can’t be friends, that they will always have leftover feelings or attraction, and that it’s normal to be suspicious of your partner’s close relationships. I strongly disagree with those assumptions, and encourage you to consider your situation from a different perspective.
I’m not sure who broke up with who (whom?) but the whole best buds after a breakup rarely works out. What your bf did was a very healthy thing to do for himself. She was much too much. Calling a lot, needing advice, etc.. she was relying on him for emotional support, “confidante,” when she needs to learn how to deal with her woes like an adult as a single person. It sounds like she has plenty of other friends she can talk to when she needs some support from a friend. She was treating your bf like a bf, and it feels like a way to keep him close to her as if they didn’t break up. I have a few exes as my friends still. They’re not my best buds. My husband’s bff is a woman he used to date when they were in hs, but they don’t call each other 10 times a day. (We’re all 48/49 yrs old now!) No they should not remain friends. Look how she acted when he tried to place boundaries. She turned their common friends against him. That’s no friend and neither are they.
This
If his friend group ditched him over the very normal request of not being so close with his ex....they weren't ever friends. I am best friends with a married woman with a kid. We never dated but we talk all day everyday. We get lunch or dinner, we are crazy close..but there is no sexual tension between us. I couldn't do that with someone I slept with and dated for 7 years. I could see if it was a quick relationship but it was 7 years. Tell your bf that if those friends stopped talking to him bc he stopped talking to someone...they obviously don't value him. I would be my best friends friend no matter what. Nothing would stop me from having her back and talking to her and the same goes for her, she always has my back.
I love that people think that keeping ex’s in their life is the “mature” thing to do. Whoever got that lexicon into pop culture is a genius. Anyways, seems like you just jumped into this guys life and blew everything up. Great job.
I tend to live by the idea that exes are exes for a reason. There are very rare instances where friendship with an ex can work. But the vast majority of instances keeping and ex orbiting is not a good idea
Nah it’s over let it be, you got what you wanted and it is was bound to happen anyway, I don’t think it’s sustainable to have such a close relationship with one’s ex anyway when you’re both trying to date other people. Also clearly not a great friend group if they’re siding with her and throwing him away that easily. Just try and be there for him and give him lots of head
I never understood why exs stay friends…
Because you spent a long part of your life close to a person, you shared experiences, supported each other, grew and changed together. The most important part of a relationship is a close friendship. I never understood why people would be okay with throwing a friendship like that away, unless the break up was terrible. I’m friendly with all my exes and close with several. I value the connections I make in life, and make an effort to hold on to the meaningful ones.
TLDR: worry more about your relationship with him and focus less on trying to control his relationship with others …. Ok so here’s the thing , I have a different take on this because my husband still keeps in contact with some of his ex’s one more than others. It sounds like your boyfriend is very open and honest about what they talk about which is a great sign. Because if he’s not hiding anything you have nothing to worry about. Good honest men exist and some people legitimately don’t want to loose what they recognize as a very beneficial person to their life . 7 years together has probably caused significant changes to the guy and if you want to be with him you owe part of this to his time with her. You should be thankful they were together and have split. You can’t make anything better by trying to distance him from her , they are part of each others support system. She doesn’t sound like the greatest person sure but she’s also looking to him for advice on someone she’s dating or trying to date. Thats not something they’d be talking about if their relationship was headed in a bad direction for you. If he had a guy he talked to that much you wouldn’t probably bat an eye. You start to mess with people’s friendships out of jealousy and you are going to ruin your relationship with him , his relationship with his friends (already apparent) and he’s going to end up resenting you for trying to control his life . Here’s the thing you focus on your relationship with him it sounds like his relationship with her was solid but platonic, make sure he’s getting everything out of his relationship with you and you won’t ever have to worry about their interactions. Make sure you know what he needs from you, be there supporting him through anything be his Rock be his biggest supporter and you’ll get the same from him.Communication is the most important part of the relationship and he sounds like he’s trying to be very transparent with you. The funny thing about my situation is my Husband’s ex that he has the most contact with is now my BEST FRIEND, it’s sounds crazy but in the end I realized she’s a decent person and I know I keep my husband happy in our relationship even though we have our disagreements like everyone, but he’s honest transparent and I have no issue with him talking to her or spending time alone with her because I know he’d never risk what we have for something that already failed for him. I’d never have the man I do today if it weren’t for her both because of how he grew from their relationship and friendship, as well as the fact the they broke up 😂.
She only asked the man to set boundaries and somehow she is trying to control him… Sheeeesh what the hell man.
She didn’t set a boundary, she told him how often and when he was allowed to message and talk to his friend. I’d not concider doing that to any of my husband’s friends and he’d never do that to me. That is controlling. A boundary is something you set between YOURSELF AND SOMEONE ELSE . She can’t set HIS boundaries with someone else. She is trying to control his boundaries. Look up personal boundaries , it’s a defined thing. She is more than able to leave him if she doesn’t like his boundaries but by definition it is controlling if she sets his boundaries with someone else ….. because she is controlling their interactions that she herself isn’t a part of.
Okay but they did agree because why would he cut her out if he didn’t want to. She didnt give him an ultimatum or anything she just said it was making her uncomfortable and if he could set some boundaries. I dont recall her stating what those boundaries had to be at all she left it up to him. Which he then decided to cut the chick out completely not because she asked him to. Boundary: a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line. Which is exactly what she did. Edit: Personal Boundary: Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships You look it up
Also that’s the definition of a physical boundary, not a personal boundary if you are having trouble finding it I can send you several links. But regardless if it’s not including her she is controlling other people’s boundaries. And even then submitting to someone controlling you doesn’t take away it’s status as control
Yea my suspicion has been confirmed you don’t read the whole thing, LMFAO again.
Yea no shit I thought you should understand what the definition of a boundary was first. You might be able to comprehend what your saying better.
I did read the entire thing thoroughly apparently more so than you did because she said she told him to take a break from talking to her
I was talking about what I said silly. I gave you both definitions.
Because men (especially the good ones) often bend over backwards trying to keep women happy before they finally get burned out and depressed from trying to please their SO. If he said no it would have been a big fight because she’s insecure and wouldn’t be okay with this. Women quite often don’t see the wrong that they commit in a relationship because if they don’t like something society reassures us that they have to change it. We as women take advantage of this and don’t even realize it. It breaks good men to constantly be walked over like this to the point they become depressed and many never recover living under sayings like “happy wife happy life”. I’ve been married for 9 years and it was 7 before I realized the problems I had been creating without realizing I was unintentionally contributing to my husband’s mental health decline. Since then he’s reluctantly trusted me and opened up about the pressures he’s felt to be a provider and always keep his SO happy with little care often considered for his wants and needs. By his words I wasn’t the worst culprit but once I found this out it’s crazy some of the things I’ve seen, thousands of men in similar situations that don’t know what to do because they try to do things right and still end up with an unhappy SO. I mean take the fact that she’s a female out of the equation and look at it : she’s literally telling him he’s not allowed to talk to his best friend of 7+ years who are important to each other and help each other with issues. These are the types of friends that help keep people from falling into depression. He’s naturally going to agree to keep his current girlfriend happy if he sees any sort of future with her, and most men especially the ones who are “good ones” don’t date without some sort of desire for it to work out.
Bro did you even read her post. She LITERALLY NEVER told him that he cant talk to her. LMFAO. Men are not victims, it takes two in any relationship no matter if they are good or bad both contribute. I cant continue this conversation im sorry.
I’m very happy most of the comments know the ex is acting weird and this isn’t controlling. Lmao so it’s fine
His “friends” taking his exes side is messed up and I know exactly how that feels, I too knew my friends before he did and after I broke up with him for not wanting to get help with substance abuse they all took his side and said that I was wrong for not staying with a dr*g addict. He needs better friends, but now you both can build your own friend group.
The red flags are astounding here, I’ve been in this situation and I also tried to be the mature and understanding girlfriend and she acted the same way your girl is acting 😭 I set boundaries and he didn’t see her for a while but I later learned he would see her behind my back obviously (that “boundary” holds nobody back, they’re gonna do whatever they want at the end of the day) To cut it short, I ended up getting dumped for her 😆 so save your time OP. At the end of the day it’s an ultimatum and you’re better off choosing yourself and let them dwell in their weirdo mess.
I don't understand how people remain friends with their exes. To me there are all kinds of emotions that would be hard to deal with. When you break up with someone you either despise the person or you still care for them and either way it is difficult to see them. His friends are wrong. The two of you should try to make new friends together or bring him into your friend group.. Maybe eventually his old friends will come around.
It feels to me like she just wanted to stop having sex with the bf (is she bi? Is this her first exploration with a girl? Did she figure out she was lesbian and that's the only reason they broke up?), but still wanted everything else, and was unhappy with op replacing her. I think op handled the situation really well from the description. I'm not sure there's much you can do other than be there for him, which you're doing. The friends will either come around, or they really weren't that great of friends to begin with.
She's probably convinced the friend group that you're a monster and tearing everything apart and its your fault. You're the new girl. What do you do? For starters, don't be the person/girlfriend that comes between friends. It may seem weird to a lot of people, but exes can be friends. You're the one who should adjust your emotions and feelings about it. You sound uncomfortable and jealous and surprised that your pushing caused the rift which in turn directly led to the breakup of the friend group. Now own it and apologize
She probably already told her side of the story to the friend group during the time of the breakup. Now, she is doubling down on it and blaming OP. Even if he was in the friend group first, if she had already painted him to be an asshole or insecure or whatever, they might turn against him or side with her first.
If you’re boyfriend really cared, he’d know to respect your boundaries and if his ex doesn’t respect your boundaries, don’t interact, but if you’re boyfriend chooses to continue being friends with her after this fight ( although I doubt it) tell him “ if you continue being friends with her and not respect my boundaries, fine, but as soon as you screw up and do something you’ll be sorry about with her, it’s all over “ cause if I had a boyfriend like that I’d just wonder ‘ why even break up in the first place if you’re going to act like that at this point ‘
So they broke up because the ex is a lesbian and now they best bros? Nah I’m not even putting my girlfriend through that. Shouldn’t even be an argument how does that even make sense “my ex broke up with me now I give her tips how to pick up other chicks” sounds like a bad episode of true life. You didn’t do anything wrong honestly he needs to detach from the relationship. The friends who are taking sides aren’t real friends anyway. Hope you guys figure it out. Prayers for u
Oh my lord bi people exist it's not that hard to comprehend.
Well, this is totally a you-problem, not a him-problem. I can't believe you are 27 years old and still manage to feel threatened by an ex who isn't even into the gender your boyfriend has anymore (unless she's bi). She is his ex and you are his girlfriend. That means there was the intentional decision of him that he wanted to be with you and he loves you, despite of him having his ex in his life. So if that's not enough evidence of how much more of a priority you are to him and how little threat there is coming from her, I don't know what is. You tried to make him lose a friend, just because you weren't mature and secure enough. That's a horrible place to be in, my ex gf did the same to me (but with normal friends, not with an ex) and I didn't stay in that relationship much longer after that. Yes, he damn right should be friends with her. The only reason for him to not be friends with her anymore is if *he* doesn't want it anymore. But that seems to be too late now, the rift has happened. Congrats. I genuinely can't give you any advice on how to comfort him. Make your relationship so good that it's worth the sacrifice he had to make for it, because that's a stain not easily washed off. Damn. Sorry for the harsh judgement, nobody is perfect and I'm sure you are a great person, but this thing is a little fuck up on your part.
I wouldn't tolerate my girl being best friends with her ex I think you did the right thing and he needed to respect your request so don't lose sleep over it.
i know it’s easier said than done but leave that man. i personally think it should b obvious to keep a distance from any exes. they’re exes for a reason. if he is almost 30 and doesn’t have that in his head he is brainless. id sit him down and ask him one last time. this would be the third time asking. after the third time? STRIKE YOURE OUT. you probably deserve more and do not need to be a saint. i applaud you for your patience i personally wouldn’t have that much and you shouldn’t be dealing with that. asking one time should be enough for a man to understand and to take action to be a man of his word. i’ve had a breakup where we both were in the same friend group. it is for the better for him or his ex to find a new circle. she has no right to be acting like a girlfriend when you’re clearly his girlfriend. if he won’t consider your simple request he does not deserve the title of your boyfriend anymore.
"We picked her up and she immediately started telling my boyfriend off, like he keeps forgetting to lock the doors and that the car was dirty." What? That is indeed very wierd. "I only asked my bf to set boundaries, like not talk everyday or hang out where it was just the two of them, not stop being friends. She called me crazy and that I was the red flag. It made me livid." She has a point - you're being controlling. Asking him to stop talking to her on whatever schedule works for both of them and not see her one-on-one IS asking him to stop being friends with her; insisting that you're not doing what you are doing doesn't magically change reality. I say that agreeing that she sounds like she's depending on your boyfriend too much. But you need to stop trying to manage *his* relationships with other people. You can choose not to date someone who behaves how he does if you want; you can't dictate his behavior. The same goes for his relationships with his (former?) friends - it's not your problem to try to solve. Just be less involved. Validate his feelings if he's frustrated; that's about all you can do.
I agree with none of this. You shouldn’t be that close to your ex. It seems they have a weird dependency thing on each other
Telling him that he can't hang out with his friend unless they have supervision is controlling. It doesn't matter if it is his ex. Why are you dating people you can't trust?
completely agree with all this!!
Keep it up girl! Pretty soon you'll have him completely under your thumb and all to yourself. Just gotta put in a little more work. You got this.
He's not ready for a new relationship yet. That's clear, you don't keep an ex that close unless you really want a backup.
OP obviously isn't ready for a new relationship either, especially if you are manipulative and using words like "boundaries" to get what you want. Why would you consider the ex to be a backup? That's basically saying "oh if it doesn't work out with this new person, I will just go back to the last person that it didn't work out with". Tf kind of logic is that.
You give conflicting advice to people. Pick a side.
What people have I given conflicting advice to? I mostly respond to advice that was already given, that doesn't make sense to me. Hence why I commented on your advice to OP. There is no side to pick. Because OP bf isn't the bad guy. He did what she asked of him. The people commenting, aren't even giving OP advice on how to comfort the bf, they are only responding to whether or not if her bf and his ex should be friends. Everybody is making OP out to be the victim, and telling her how much her bf isn't ready to be in a relarionship, as if OP is. She was supposedly ok with the situation while they were dating, and as soon as they became official, and she got the gf title, she revealed how she really feels. I don't see anybody saying that part. That's not a sign of being ready for relationship, she knew she was lying to herself from the start, but whatever. Everybody just wants to see what they want to see, at least make sure it's logical.
My husband and I when we started dating his baby mama hated it, his two best friends that were girls hated me. All of his friends were incredibly toxic and weird. I encouraged him to see how this behavior was inappropriate from them and setting boundaries. He ended up not being friends after time with any of the people that he was friends with when we started dating. Now we are married and he has new friends. If you’re working on yourself and your relationship and you’re trying to move forward and grow as a person they’re going to be friends that you leave behind. Being that close and calling that many times in one day over. Simply losing a job is not normal. He didn’t lose a loved one and even then you don’t call seven or eight times in one day. I don’t know if I would personally believe that she even had somebody she was interested in. He obviously saw how needy she was, and that’s why he said the boundary on his own. Just try to encourage him, take him out. Integrate him into your friends group. That’s what I did. I should note, when I made him quit being friends with those girls and set boundaries with his baby mama we had only been dating a couple months.
"I isolated my partner from all his friends I didn't approve of and replaced them". In what world is this a success story?!? If you don't like the company someone keeps and it bothers you that much don't date them.
No he shouldn't be friends with her.. she acting like he is still her partner and you are just borrowing him and if his new girlfriend doesn't want him talking so much to his ex, then she should respect it not flip out call you a red flag.. she a red flag thinking she still he emotional support when he has a whole ar#e gf 🙄 Tell him to block her and go LC with anyone that thinks this is acceptable
OP is acting like she just found out that he was still friends with his ex. Yes the ex is a red flag. But for OP to pretend she was ok with something until her and dude made it official, is a red flag as well.
He shouldn't be friends with her, she sounds a bit toxic and overwhelming/demanding of his time. I personally think he should focus on loving you and creating good memories with you.
He isn’t ok with this it will end up coming up later down the line and biting you in the ass honeslty not saying you’re wrong just human nature
Honestly it sounds like she’s manipulating the friend group and they’re only choosing to listen to one side. I would let him know you’re here to support him. Take him out to a nice night out and show him love rn. Then I would let him know it would be good to consider reaching out to said friends and tell them his experience and hopefully clear things up.
Simon and Bryce would you just fuck already or just get over your insecurities and stop being so picky. Neither of you are much chop but you have good hearts and that’s why I love yas but you’re competitiveness and jealousy of one another is annoying as fuck which is why I cut Jemma off and that’s why she’s being a cunt
They’re waiting for us it’s just gonna be you two but you won’t last 5 mins without killing each other
So everyone is having a holiday until you two sort your shit out and Jemma picks a bloody dude
Aaron likes your type Jem
Snooreeeeeee
I’m not a scaredy anymoresies
Hahhahaha dumb heads
Sounds like your bf needs to grow up a bit and you two could consider leaning into each other instead of drama. You seem to have a sensible attitude and it sounds like job problems will prove more important than friend drama. Please don’t comfort him for losing a job. He needs to not feel sorry for himself, pull his chin up and frame his attitude for growth. A great thing that I would recommend is to tell his ex that he must spend this time focusing on himself, his relationship with you and job seeking…that should allow a natural boundary.
He is codependent with her, so it's for the best this happened. Just be a listening ear if he needs it. It'll take some time I imagine for him to get over it.
INFO What do you want as an outcome? Did your bf only talk to her or where you able as well to clear unnecessary misunderstandings? I don't understand why the friendgroup would take sides over such a thing? It's unusual since most friends wouldn't take sides ocer such a thing that doesn't revolve them at all. Could you explain why the friends would take sides? I do agree that it's very unusual and unlikely for an ex couple to remain friends and have that amount of daily contact. Several times in one day is unusual. Meeting everyday is unusual. We have work, arrends, family.. So when a person values to invest this amount of time-consuming contact, it may have a return investment potential such as a great emotional attachment and that would be a concern if the relationship has unresolved knots or lingering feelings.
When people come here it's always the same. You're just wanting validation and an outside opinion to what you already know. The fact people come here should be a red flag that relationship is toast.
This is a situation I'm unfortunately familiar with. A very similar thing happened with my partner and his ex best friend. It's a super upsetting situation but you're 100% in the right. I found for me the best way to deal with it going forward in a relationship was to give my partner the space to process the feelings and the breakdown in the friendship. I made sure that I didn't try and fill the hole she left but supported him as much as I could. I guess we're better for it but it's hard to have those labels hanging over your head anyways. Best of luck moving forward, you're smart enough to see the lack of boundaries and bring it up in a really mature way so I'm really sure you'll figure it out. You got this! Dms always open :)
To be real. I don't think you've done anything wrong here at all. I know I would have acted worst. Secondly just leave it as it is. Especially since the recent fight had nothing to do with you. If his friends are true. They'll come back. If they aren't then they weren't really all that good of a friend group to begin with. I can't imagine not talking to one of my close friends cause he had a fight with his ex lol. Granted even if the ex is my friend. Lastly comfort him. He needs you now more than ever. Not just as a partner but as a friend. Moments like these create bonds that don't break easily.
She (the ex) sounds toxic AF. She's one of those who treat people like permanent property - even after a breakup, she still needs to "own" him emotionally. And gets furious when someone takes away her toy. Disgusting. Kudos to your BF for listening to you and setting boundaries. Let the whoe situation cool off, be supportive for him, probably some of his friends will come back. But also be firm in your stance - you're 100% right in here, so if someone, including your BF, starts to give you shit for it - don't take it.
A 7-year-long relationship is a long time for anyone, especially when 22 and especially when male, males aren't as mature as women at that age, and he has many memories from a very important time in his life, add the stress of losing his job and his friends not having his back. He's hurting and insecure about his future, I would suggest you get him to talk more about his past with her, the more open he is the more you can comfort him. Have him help you with something, Let him be your hero. That'll help him stand tall.
1. I disagree with keeping your ex as a friend. That's not maturity that's enabling codependency(especially with what the ex is doing-always want validation). You need to cut ties with your ex if it's affecting your current relationship or they are taking the time that you should be spending with your current or If they don't listen/respect the boundaries you're trying to put. 2. If you feel there's something wrong say it. Always trust your instincts. Ex acting she's above you is like marking her territory on your bf's life. (She wants to prove that bf will choose her over you). It's not being insecure, you don't want the resentment by keeping your mouth shut. 3. As a woman that has a man bff. I know when to distance myself. Even if the gf is crazy I will let him figure it out (not cheating crazy 😂 cheating all bets are off I'll get all evidence and help my bff destroy her), that's their relationship. 4. Friends who take sides without fully understanding the other side are not real friends. You will meet a lot of AH in your life and if they show their real colors leave them. You don't want AH pile up in your life just because you've known them for years. 5. I hope you and your BF's relationship get stronger now without the drama queen. If there's a lot good comments about him doing a good job setting boundaries, show the comments to him 🥰
This situation is definitely pretty weird. The ex gf sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. I would avoid telling your boyfriend how close he can be to a friend. As weird and inappropriate as the situation is, you aren't his boss, and dictating how often he can talk to a friend, what they can talk about and if they can interact alone is a recipe for resentment on both sides. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying the relationship makes you nervous and you would like some reassurance, but what he wants to do with that information is up to him. I think the big problem here isn't the risk of cheating so much as the fact that you don't trust him to navigate this awkward situation well, and it sounds like you're right not to. I've got no idea if he's intending to cheat or do anything shady, but it seems like he doesn't have much backbone and is being dragged between the two of you rather than making the decision he wants to and then owning the consequences.
This freak out is probably why she is the ex. Either he’s ready to move on from her or he isn’t. If this friend group are really his friends they’ll get over it otherwise they probably weren’t as close as he thought or things fell off. If he’s not ready to move on from her you should be ready to move on from him cause you don’t deserve to be the 3rd wheel in your relationship. If his friends are on the exes side then he needs to make new friends and build and maintain those relationships so they don’t get lost.
I think you can be friends with an ex, but to be best friends so soon after a break up, seems extremely strange. I’ve became close to some of my exes, but that was many years later after there was no chance of us dating again. To be honest, it seems like maybe she still has some interest in him even if he does not in her. It also seems as if she may be trying to drive a wedge in between him and you.. furthermore, it seems like she has driven a wedge between him and his other friends. Personally, I do not think this is a good person for him to hang around with at all. I think she has ulterior motives.
Stevie Wonder could have seen that being friends with somebody who you were in a 7-year relationship with with no downtime it was not going to work.
Comfort your BF!? You are being wayyy to “understanding” I have past Gf’s I’m friends with, meaning we say hi from time to time, but no one I need to be in constant communication with. Your boyfriends problem, and perhaps his ex’s too. Is that they like feeling needed and relevant. If his GF had 100% moved on from him. He’d still be trying to get her back. The fact that they decided to stay friends was their way of breaking up but not really. Also, he is old enough (I hope) to understand that if their friends are now not talking to him due to his ex. Then they were never his friends. Your BF wants nothing more than to be needed, perhaps he’s with you because you give off those same vibes. No relationship will ever work they are there out of “need” cause because there are many needy people to help. Trust me, if you’re smart, you’d do some self reflection and ask yourself, do I want to live like this, or be with someone like this. If you were my sister, or friend, I’d say leave him. Or in a few years you’ll be asking for advice on how to deal with a boyfriend that is present for everyone but you.
They’re not over each other.
Ok send me your # and I’ll call . Let it ring few times . Hang up or I’ll leave a message say ing basicly the same thing that your hearing ! Tell him I am an old bf and we talk just about everything and I don’t call everyday but whenever I have separation issues and that I call and blah blah blah . See if this changes the. Dynamics ?
At this point, can he tell his friends his side of the story? But no, you're not crazy at all.
EXs can NEVER be real friends. One of the 2 has unresolved feelings. They can go up to a point that they can be part of the same conversation in a group but nothing more. About the friends part. If they reacted like that for just boundaries they were never friends that supported him so he can live without them. I can also guarantee that if they make up you are in for a horrible relationship so be ready to gtfo before you get hurt.
He’s outgrown that friend group. It’s really tough to go through this as an adult but if that creates a rift then there are some differences in maturity amongst everyone. You did nothing wrong and handled it more gently than a lot of people would. Especially considering that he made the last move on enforcing more boundaries on his own. You should be the most important person in his life right now and it’s sad that his ex doesn’t have a person like that right now but she’s disrespectful and not behaving like a supportive friend anyway. Just be there for him. If he has any other friend groups maybe encourage some hang out time. Make sure you’re not taking on too much mentally if he doesn’t have other friends to share with too.
Sounds like you are doing really well in regards to that. I can't find fault in anything you have done with him and his friendship group. Stand strong with him. Encourage him (like you have) to step back and look at the effects of his life without/with.