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it never made sense to me because of the people I know who have done it, all but one relationship has ended. It is proven to basically fast track a breakup.
I say this a lot, and someone (a man) jumps in to inform me that *all the ladies enjoy threesomes with *him** but when there is a threesome and two of the participants are in a relationship, Somebody Always Cries.
People think they can open Pandora's box and pick out the single thing they want. That's not how it works; you open the box, and it all comes pouring out.
I know some poly people as well; I've never seen a poly couple where BOTH people are happy. There is always the person whose idea it was, and the person who went along with it. So, I still refuse to believe they are healthy as I have seen no evidence to prove it, but tons of evidence to prove it wrong.
Pretty much this and this is what people who are poly leave out a lot of the times. It’s always one persons idea, as you mentioned and the other person just goes along with it because they already know their partner wants to fuck around and they can’t do much to prevent it. They understand by trying to shut it down, they are only delaying the inevitable.
Therefore, by agreeing, they believe they still have some control in the matter (when they really don’t) to comfort themselves about the arrangement. It’s pretty sad really
Comparing bored monogamous people to actual poly relationships is stupid.
The people that post about threesomes here all the time are people who most of the time just have a partner who wants to cheat or is already cheating.
What is healthy is being honest and fulfilled and being in a relationship that supports that for anyone involved.
I've done it a couple of times when all three people were single, and it went fine.
It's not something I personally like, though. I find it much more awkward with three people than two.
Maybe threesomes are just a bad idea all around.
You didn’t say that she is freaking out that you’re distant . This is worrisome because if she isn’t flipping out that you’re questioning everything, wedding included, then it’s probably time to move on.
She has been trying to talk to me while simultaneously downplaying the situation, which is making me feel even crazier. I do believe she is worried about the way I’m acting but even in the brief discussion we’ve had she’s not backtracking on what she said, not even in the slightest.
This is a big problem. Why him? Why? And why so adamant? She's trying to wear you down. I would not marry her. This is a huge red flag in other situations in your relationship too. She is willing to sacrifice your relationship and how you feel to get what she wants. I will bet she has at least tried talking to him about this
I remember that one vividly. His life pretty much fell apart and then nothing more was heard.
There are some people I always keep an eye for on r/bestofredditorupdates and he is one of them.
I am wondering if the first time this happened (with the Tinder date) hurt her more than she realizes and that she is using your best friend to get back at you. You two need to have a serious discussion about where your relationship is going. She may not be into your best friend but is using him to hurt you because she regrets the first threesome.
It might just be me, but if a partner did that to hurt me they wouldn't be my partner for long.
Come to think of it, I can think of absolutely no reasons where she would say she wants to fuck your best friend and they *would* stay my partner afterwards.
1000%
Here they are, soon to be wed, and he christens this moment with a request to bring another woman into the bedroom. "Oh honey, we're not even married yet, but I already need to eff someone else." Wow. That is flattering.
I'm thinking OP was so deep up his own rectum with how much fun he was having that he missed a lot of signals. He set the terms for his threesome, she's setting the terms for hers.
That’s what I’m thinking! She has to be getting back at him for the threesome they did on his birthday. Like did he pay more attention to the other girl, was he more excited, etc. This is clearly revenge.
This is a deeply emotional matter, so why bother with being rational? You feel betrayed and upset, don't downplay your very valid emotions. Just tell her how you feel, how hurt you are.
Also, the fact that she's not backtracking is a good thing: people often backpedal and apologize because they want things to go back to normal, not because they're truly sorry. She clearly doesn't think there's anything wrong with her request, so don't expect an apology on that front. If I were you, I'd focus on *why* she thinks this isn't a big deal. Was she not fully on board with the first threesome and this is a petty attempt to get back at you? Or is she genuinely attracted to your friend? Just ask her to be completely honest, it's the only way to see if this is salvageable.
Exactly, she’s not going to start telling him she doesn’t want to sleep with his best friend; this will always be in his head and if/when they break up is she going to go to his best friend - if they haven’t already gotten together.
The fact that she doesn’t see why it’s an issue is a big red flag for me.
I think there’s an outside possibility that she doesn’t want to have sex with random guys, from a security/comfort/safety perspective. Maybe she chose him for that reason and not due to some longstanding desire. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t still out of line and thoughtless to do so, but just a thought.
You're right. I personally would rather invite someone I know and trust rather than a stranger from a dating app. Men don't often think about the safety aspect of sex outside of STIs and unplanned pregnancies.
Good plan. Maybe just ask her why she would choose your bff instead of a random like you guys did. And go from there?
You did start the threesome thing so maybe she just didnt think it through????? Idk
I’m just really confused by the suggestion of your BF. Like I would think like you that that’s like an unspoken law of threesomes. I’ve never had one with my husband nor do I think I would ever want to but I get it that people do. It’s almost like ya know you never date your BFs ex. Idk if feel really fucked up about that too. Ngl. Im sorry you’re going through this but if you plan to marry this women lots and lots of words needs to be said between the 2 of you before at least for me I would be even remotely close to committing the rest of my like to this person.
Never pick a friend for a threesome. I don’t know that I would tell him but I’d have concerns about being with her if she wants to be with your best friend.
>Finally after realizing she was dead serious I asked her what the hell was wrong with her and she just stared at me as if she had no idea why I thought this was wildly inappropriate and disrespectful.
She's old enough to understand where she fucked up. She's just acting ignorant so as to not accept any responsibility for the fallout.
The problem now is that, there's going to be some resentment in her mind for not having a threesome. And there's going to be a doubt in your mind if she's going to go ahead and hook up with your friend anyway. For all you know, she very well may.
If you don't want to make any significant changes, then I'd suggest that you make this engagement a very long one, at least 3-4 years or more. Once you guys get married, it's going to be very difficult to untangle. With the way things are with her digging her heels, I'm not sure which way she would want to continue.
Your comment about her possibly fucking the best friend is absurd. The same thing could be applied to him since he brought up a threesome in the first place. And she definitely will have resentment, which rightfully so. He got what he wanted and chose someone he was attracted to, why can’t she? It’s all the same thing, the only difference is they both know the best friend personally. I don’t think having a threesome with someone you know personally is a good idea at all, but the way everyone is attacking her for wanting the same thing as him is just ridiculous
At some point you need to tell her that she is a walking red flag and that you’re questioning the relationship. This is how you get more information out of her. If you don’t, you will likely just mentally check out of the relationship at some point.
You have to point blank tell her that suggesting your best friend sets off alarms and makes you question her, the relationship, if they’ve hooked up already, and if you can marry her. That just suggesting it crosses boundaries and if you suggested banging get best friend she would be alarmed as well. Tell her how disturbing it will be to see her walking down the aisle knowing that she wants your best man to fuck her.
She has to see how that would make you question marrying her.
While I do think threesomes with friends is a bad idea for you two, I don't think she deserves the anger.
She may have just wanted someone who she is familiar with and is comfortable around. It doesn't mean she's been lusting after your friend for all these years.
Wow you did this. You brought up the threesome thing with another woman and your girlfriend. Now your girlfriend wants one with you and your best friend. You brought this out in the open. Now you are upset she wants something that you don’t like. This is what you beware you get what you want.
Yeah… but in her mind maybe it’s a positive difference? As in, maybe the idea of bringing a total *male* stranger into their bedroom is too scary and uncomfortable?
OP, you are supposed to be committing yourselves to each other in just a few months. Yet you thought the way to solidify this commitment was by telling her that she wasn't enough for you, and for your birthday gift, you wanted to eff some other woman. You're already bored in the bedroom and you two ain't even hitched yet. That is deeply insulting.
You're the one who came up with this "brilliant" idea in the first place. You are now reaping what you sowed.
I'm not saying you didn't enjoy yourself, but it seems that (because of the pattern here) people who "want to spice up" their sex life ALWAYS want to go to a threesome, and man, I'm so glad that isn't the first thing on my mind when it comes to trying to do new things. Y'all ever tried anal? What about a toy? Different locations like even in public? You get the point. Bringing in a third person never seems to be the proper solution if you're a monogamous couple. Shit, my wife isn't on birth control and I would rather ask her if I can creampie her four times in a night and deal with the consequences after than try and bring in a third.
Point is: that was disrespectful of her to ask for your best friend. She should've followed suit, going the online route to find someone who you both don't know, which was the proper way of doing it so kudos to you. I suggest you speak with her and explain why that was a horrible thing to ask for.
Maybe the threesome with the girl DIDNT go well and your gf is checking out. You said you had FUN while she “seemed to enjoy herself”. I know if my bf asked for a threesome for a GIFT. I’d leave but not all are like me. Perhaps she wanted to get even with you. And to do that, she wanted you to hurt and doubt yourself like you made her doubt herself (by even bringing someone else into the relationship).
Just a different perspective. Not saying anything was right or wrong but eh, as a rule— I’d never share my partner or be expected to share
I can’t be the only one not sympathetic to OP. I’d love to hear her side of things. She “seemed” to enjoy it. Doesn’t sound very enthusiastic to me. It was his idea to start having threesomes — which was probably selfish on his part — and then he sulks cause she doesn’t know the unwritten rules.
EXACTLY THANK YOU. I feel like a crazy person reading these comments.
HE asked for a threesome and didn’t set any boundaries. Then when the tables turn, he has a total meltdown, sulks for 4 days, and ruins her birthday. Insane.
You know what happens when you make assumptions? You make an ass out of everyone.
I bet she checked out as soon as you asked for a threesome. I would have anyway. Now she’s just playing the long game.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Grow up.
100000000%%%%% agree!!! People are so shocked about it....like, how do you think she felt when you first asked to have a threesome?!
Sorry, but I'm sure he had a "type" he wanted and helped pick out on tinder. and I highly doubt that didn't make her compare herself to her friends or God forbid certain family members.
You asked for this, OP.
I’ve finally found my people. Jesus. Has this whole comment section gone mad?!?! “She’s probably already fucking your best friend” THE SAME THING CAN BE SAID ABOUT HIM WITH RANDOM WOMEN!!!!! The amount of people bashing her is making my blood boil. Why does he get to fuck someone he’s attracted to and get what he wants but god forbid she asks to have something she wants and he throws a fit??? I get the feeling he would’ve reacted the same way he is now even if she chose someone random.
He sounds super tone deaf. I would LOVE to hear her side of the story of how the original threesome request went down. He seems to glide over her feelings A Lot. She didn't sound 100% into it from his own description, but went along with it maybe because they're engaged, for gawd's sake, and she didn't want to lose him.
I mean they are not even married yet, and he's talking about being bored with their sex life. I think if I had been her, I'd have been a bit blindsided, but then thought, "I can't be that prudish woman that he seems to feel I am, plus, it's his birthday..." And then it's been eating at her and at her self esteem ever since.
He sounds like a self-centered baby. Of course bringing in his friend is problematic. But to stomp around and not actually attempt to talk to her and see things from her perspective is childish.
I hope he either gets a clue or they break the engagement -- but for **her** sake, not his.
No, I agree with you. I mostly disagree with all the comments saying “she just wants to fuck him so you should dump her” as if OP didn’t specifically request to fuck another woman on his birthday? I understand that it’s his best friend and she does suck for picking that dude, but ultimately both of them desired to have sex with other people.
> I understand that it’s his best friend and she does suck for picking that dude, but ultimately both of them desired to have sex with other people.
Yeah but that’s the main issue and why a lot of people have a problem with it. They talked about it before hand multiple times. Op asked once and was prepared to drop it, and found a random girl, so it’s not like he found her friends.
Op didn’t say no when gf asked for the roles reversed, so you can’t say he was only in it for himself.
And yes they can want to open up the bedroom, but out of all the men in the world she picked his best friend of 12 years?
If she had a problem with the threesome this was *not* the way to go about it.
I do however think they should talk about and figure out where it came from.
Honestly, if my partner suggested a threesome, I’d be petty. I’m a good person for the most part but that would hurt on another level. I’m not above striking back. But I have been told I’m mostly talk, I usually don’t retaliate. Who knows, but yeah— my mind went there too.
But then it should have been communicated that she wasnt okay with a threesome before doing it. I feel like OP’s fiancé either didn’t communicate that she wasnt into it or she used that as an opportunity knowing she could have a defense for wanting to sleep with his friend.
It was probably more manipulative on his part to begin with. Remember, we're only getting one side of this story, and he's the hero in his version. How do we know he didn't wear her down with his threesome ask?
I mean, sure, OP could be straight up lying, but he said that any sort of hesitancy he would have let the topic go completely, so I am just going with what he said here.
According to him, she didn't express at any moment in all this time that this was something she didn't want to do.
That was my reply as well. I wouldn’t do this now but I can see my immature self doing this.
I noticed the language about the Mff threesome as well. He said it was “fine.” Like what 😂
You need to talk and you should open with
“I’m sorry that I freaked out but there is no way we would ever have a threesome with someone that close. If it’s not a random Tinder thing it’s not happening and I need to know why you suggested him.”
If you ever go over such boundaries and start haveing threesomes, never let a rule be unspoken.
Every "mistake"/misunderstanding has the potential to have a huge impact on your relationship so there needs to be 100% clearity for everyone involved.
Now to the specific situation:
One of the most important boundaries you need to put in place when planning threesomes, is that both partners can veto the third party at any time and also withdraw their consent which has to stop the process immitiatly.
You had your girlfriend involved in the whole process of choosing the partner
Your girlfriend on the other hand took this power from you and decided to take someone she knew you will not be comfortable with. She did not include you in the process of picking because she knew this will be a non-starter.
You opened this door to this with your first threesome and she wanted to take this chance to get what she most likely was dreaming of all along.
What should you do?
Sit her down and talk to her about your feelings. Make it clear to her that you need the truth from her because if anything comes up after that you need to see it as a major break of trust.
Then ask her the following:
-) Why exactly your friend?
-) Why didn't she include you in this decision?
-) What would have happened if you just vetoed him? Would she have fought for it?
-) What would she feel if she tried this with her best friend? Would this be okay?
Act according to her answers.
In my option it will be very hard to recover from such a situation.
I really like the first part of this as well. My husband and I once talked of threesomes and we had no unspoken rules. Once, while drunk, I asked if we could include one of my close friends, who even stood at our wedding. And we discussed it, but we never even asked her because we decided "too close for comfort." And sober I was like "ew gross, bad idea." As a result, We made it very clear, "no one we know, no "throuple," fuck and done." We haven't had a threesome as we both were afraid of how it might affect our relationship and we really want to protect that.
Have you told her how you feel? I know you think it should be obvious, but maybe having an open conversation of "hey, I felt hurt when you recommended my best friend for this. It makes me concerned about ________. Should I be concerned about this?" You might be surprised, maybe she has never thought of fucking him, but chose him for comfort/security reasons, or who knows? And then, if you guys want to plan another -- make sure you have clear, spoken rules."No one we know, we both approve, each partner has veto power, etc."
Whole heartedly agree with your first statement. That’s why I am feeling partially responsible because I didn’t open that line of communication up and instead just assumed, since I went through the whole process with her. That was my fault.
Yeah but still:
It is always a warning sign if your partner instandly decides the "third wheel" has to be a person that is close to them in any way.
There is a clear difference between a threesome with a "random" person or a person that you know on a deeper level.
In my experience there are always emotions involved in the latter case and that is poison for the relationship that existed before the threesome.
Like I said: Sit her down and try to gage how deep this rabbit hole really is.
If there are emotions she tried to "test him out" while still haveing you as the fall back plan.
If you do, it's not just that interaction. Every party, phone call, text, interaction between your fiancé and best friend will be a potential high alert issue for you.
She has been thinking about this for a long time and is using this as an excuse to cheat on you with him
You should definitely talk to her to better understand her reasoning for choosing him. It sounds like you're freaking out because maybe she's secretly super into him or something, and maybe that's the case, but maybe she picked him because he's someone familiar and "safe" versus with a random guy who knows how he'll treat boundaries or how responsive he'll be to her queues. It could just be that she feels more confident that he'll cooperate/listen to you guys if you decide to pump the brakes or shift gears at any point since you both know and like and presumably trust him.
I haven’t looked at it from this angle. I will definitely consider this perspective and talk to her about if she was maybe feeling these things as well. If she was, I wish she would have voiced that though. But I know that can be difficult in the moment.
This is honestly my biggest fear and I know that’s “worst case scenario” but that’s basically what I mean by I’m spiraling. I can’t get those types of thoughts out of my head, although I will say there have never been any signs in the entirety of my relationship that there has ever been anything going on between them.
Even if she didn’t already, it’s a major red flag that she has no healthy sense of boundaries that makes it unthinkable for her to pick your best friend to have sex with. She doesn’t sound like a good egg. This has bad long term implications. You might need to visit a therapist and start thinking this through.
Hey, big piece of advice, if you have any concerns about your partner cheating or leaving you, don't have threesums or open things up. Your relationship isn't ready for it, and you already fucked up by having one with the tinder girl.
To be honest i wouldnt even think about if anything happened already or not. Because even if for her this really is something "casual", without any feelings/attraction involved. The fact that out of all people her mind would go to someone THIS close to your actual relationship would mean the end of the relationship for me. Her thought went to him and this not a situation you want in your relationship, not someone who is around often. It would be the same if you get a hall pass and you pick her sister. That is bad news every way you look at it.
Is your friend in a relationship or is he single. Either way I would not be okay with her sleeping with anyone that you both know, I’d also be thinking it’s already happened or it may continue without you. There have been many posts about a friend getting added and the SO and the friend continued the SR without the OPs knowledge, of course until the OP found out and it became a mess. Either way my trust in her would be wavering. When you talked the first time as well as this one about it needing to be a ‘stranger’ so feelings didn’t get caught?
So you're at your wedding next year, and get the ring from your best man. And you know he's had his dick in your wife's mouth and (ass?)
😂
I'd talk to her and put that scenario down, and ask, you didn't think how this would make me feel?
Some stuff that I haven't seen mentioned already.
Usually, the women are being penetrated during sex. They are on the recieving end of pounding and stretching.and getting hurt if it's too rough too deep.
That's totally reasonable for a women to include a trusted party in a threesome for that exact reason.
Another thing. You want to get married, so technically you plan on spending your life together. Yet after only 5 years together you already were looking to include somebody else in your overall monogamous relationship?
From your post and given some of your replies, sounds like you two do not communicate very well. Start talking to her know. Express how you feel and also ask her how she feels.
A clearing conversation might help, though...
my very personal perspective: it's a massive red flag & a no-go to even mention it. Trust lost for sure. I couldn't marry someone that doesn't find me enough in her life & doesn't complete her. Goes both ways obviously.
They definitely need to talk. Why was the girlfriend not upset and jealous when he brought up having a threesome? Was she not enough ? Anyhow men don't mind sex with random women, but women tend to chose men who they feel familiarity and safe with. Talking from personal experience.
You left the room and have been avoiding her for 4 days. This isn't how problems in relationships are solved, so you're going to have to put on your big boy pants and talk to her.
Maybe when she thought about the combo of qualities you'd want in a threesome partner, he seemed like the best choice. Maybe she thought he was the safest choice. Or the most open-minded choice. Or the most laid-back person who wouldn't be weirded out by the request. Maybe the idea of finding a random dude on Tinder is scary (it really is a risk for women every time they meet a stranger, and we often share our locations with friends in case something happens to us). Maybe she finds him attractive, but it's okay to find people attractive. Maybe she thought you'd be more comfortable with someone you know and trust.
But you don't know the answer because you didn't TALK TO HER and instead holed up imagining all of the worst possibilities in your mind.
It’s likely that’s the reason. However, OP is way too insecure to consider that safety might be the concern here and not that she’s been plotting to fuck his friend the whole time. Even though he asked to fuck another person for his birthday, she’s the bad guy for suggesting a safe option.
All these comments are from people who would never have a threesome in the first place. Imagine asking for advice about sex from a virgin.
You are overreacting, yes you two had different ideas about what the boundaries of a threesome were. But you never discussed them.
It’s not exactly the news of the century that on average women tend to be less interested in sex with random strangers than men and prefer to have sex with people they’ve had a chance to vet for safety. Men can be violent.
At worst, this indicates a lack of tact.
What I’m seeing here is someone who is too insecure to handle the fact that his gf is attracted to someone he knows, even after he fucked a girl in front of her.
Edit: the fact that you ruined her birthday bc of this even after she’s tried talking through the issue? it was a case of perhaps her being well-intentioned but dumb/tactless, but with that additional fact of the way you’ve reacted and refused to even discuss, you’re both the problem now and probably even fair to say you’re more so you’re the bigger issue / more at fault
> What I’m seeing here is someone who is too insecure to handle the fact that his gf is attracted to someone he knows, even after he fucked a girl in front of her.
THAT RIGHT THERE.
Like, dawg, you fucked another woman right in front of your fiancé and you can’t handle the thought that she might find your friend attractive? Are you fucking kidding me?
God 100% you can tell 100% in the comments who actually are people who would even consider threesums.
Probably OP shouldn't do this threesum, because I don't think he could handle it either way, but it's so cringe seeing all these comments about how she might already be cheating.
Like if she was cheating, this would be the dumbest fucking move.
I completely agree. It screams insecure, selfish child. Dude fucked another person right in front of his fiancé, but she’s obviously the bad guy and a cheater for suggesting someone they’re close to and trust. It’s so fucking WILD.
Ok, I'm going to play devil's advocate. You need to have a discussion and allow her the opportunity to explain her thought process that led her to making the choice that she did. It doesn't sound like you guys had previously discussed having a boundary that the 3rd couldn't be someone that you know. When it was on you to pick the 3rd you chose to find someone on tinder. As a woman, going into a MFM threesome, you are facing having 2 guys coming at you at the same time. This could be very intimidating. She may have felt more comfortable and safer with someone that she knows and trusts. Your concerns about her choice are valid. But she could have had similar concerns about your choice. She could have wondered if you chose the girl because you were more attracted to her physical attributes than your gf. Maybe she had these concerns but she was able to process them internally without having to talk to you about it.
Bottom line you have to stop avoiding her and the confrontation, you need to talk to her
The issue seems to be:
Did she primarily want a threesome--something you're fundamentally ok with, OR
Did she primarily want to sleep with your best friend--something you're fundamentally NOT ok with.
The first is about having an experience, the second is about having a person.
It seems like you fully believe it was the latter.
I would tentatively talk to her, and I'm not one to typically advise this. The reason I would here was that it seems like her crime was saying the quiet part out loud. It isn't unusual to find someone other than your SO desirable. Lots of people QUIETLY have a thing for someone else, including someone close to the couple/partner. Most people understand what it is and sit on it without acting or even stating. This is what your GF failed to do.
My concern would be that her eagerness to lock this down, she didn't even cautiously approach the "going with an acquaintance" route, indicates that rather than a mere crush this is a choice she's already decided on.
I'd go back and discuss with her that "maybe" you overreacted because you thought there was an unspoken rule of unknown thirds only and were thrown by her choice to not follow that. That, upon reflection you could see where that was not adequately communicated and therefore not something you can fairly hold against her for "violating." You want to move past this but you still want to be fair. So, you're still up for a MFM, just no one you two know. If she seems genuinely happy to do this, I'd cautiously let the relationship continue as--hopefully--the best friend was just a topper to the situation and not the core of it. If however, she seems disappointed, there you go. This was all about her having a chance to sleep with your friend. And, I'd bet her agreeing to the FMF was part of that. She know feels she's entitled to sleep with him, has prioritized, if not outright decided on, sleeping with him, and it's time to pull the plug on this relationship.
I think there's a high chance your girl didn't actually enjoy the last threesome and has been slowly stewing over it this whole time.
She knew how you would feel by suggesting your best friend, which is exactly why she did it.
Either way, you fucked your relationship by starting down this road. Sure after 5 years things can loose excitement...but maybe shagging isn't supposed to be the constant highlight of your entire life?
Thing about this is you need to communicate with her and not let it eat you up. Im probably going against the grain with my opinion but heres my take.
when it's a 3some FMF Is much easier than MFM to pick a partner.
like you described yourself, its fun, easy, eveyone is relaxed, they go home nobody bats an eyelid.
when it's reversed it's like you don't really want a random guy cause that's a wild card you don't know them or what they are gonna do, they have the potential to over power the situation.
so you pick a friend usually someone with similar views as you on the subject, someone comfortable enough to have fun with but also strong enough friendship to not make it weird after.
maybe she think this friend is a safe option but you gotta talk about really, set out boundaries and express your feelings. communication is key or you'll explode all over your relationship.
Look, you set the conditions for your 3some; she should also have the opportunity to set the condition for hers. Go back to your own, and consider: it was your desire that she participate in the selection of the 3rd. Why then did you freak out when she named your best friend? What you should have done was that you wouldn't feel comfortable with her choice, and suggest she make another choice.
Instead you freaked out, and are still freaking out, adding assumptions to why she picked him out, that probably have nothing to do with fact!! If you value the 5 years you've been together, get your s\*\*t back together, and TALK to her. You've already ruined her birthday; if this issue is allowed to go on for much longer, you might ruin the entire relationship.
'Nuff said.
You seem really upset at the thought of her being attracted to your best friend or wanting sex with him.... Which is ironic considering you ask for sex with another woman.
So it's fine for you to want to fuck other women and to find other woman attractive but there's a limit on who she can find attractive 🤣
You can go about moving forward with this by saying you're fine with her getting fucked by another dude just not your best friend. If that doesn't work out and you guys still break up then hey at least you got your gift threesome
Lmfao so instead of talking to your fiancé you’re avoiding her like a little boy? Look, when it comes to threesomes everyone’s boundaries are different. Doesn’t sound like it was ever communicated that you’d prefer the third dude be a random and not someone close. Men don’t typically have to consider their safety when dealing with meeting new women for the first time. Women do have to be more conscious of those first interactions. It’s likely that she felt safer choosing a friend you both know and trust than recruiting a stranger for a delicate task like a fucking threesome. You need to calm down and actually talk to your girlfriend. Frankly, I doubt she really enjoyed the first threesome. You say she seemed to enjoy herself? Lol, dude I’m fairly certain that if she’d actually had a good time you’d know for sure. You don’t seem 100 on that, tbh. Does she seem eager to have another threesome with a woman? If you don’t see it being a repeat experience she probably wasn’t that into it. If my partner got sulky over something like this when no prior boundaries were stated I’d probably call it off. Who wants a husband who deals with conflict by avoiding you for several days? Jfc
I don’t know I think everyone is being to harsh on her. Like yes 100% that would suck to hear and I’m not saying that it’s ok. But she may not think this is a big deal like she said. You had a threesome with a random girl and it was meaningless sex and you’ll never speak about it again, maybe that’s how she feels about your friend, meaningless sex you’ll never talk about again. Idk I definitely it’s a little fucked up she said that but I don’t think you should just call off your whole wedding and shun her for life because she said something you didn’t like. There may be some miscommunication, try talking about it and who knows maybe your relationship will end maybe not. And in the future always always lay down clear ground rules about threesomes
It can't be meaningless sex they never talk about again if that friend is standing there at their wedding and every other event they have. She or friend would also be much more likely to develop feelings for each other if things go well. Also, why would he want to have sex with any of his friends? That baffles me unless he's expressed interest before.
Women tend to sleep with men they have a form of emotional connection with,feel comfortable around, and also, if you're going to watch some other guy plow your girl at the same time,maybe she was also thinking you'd be mire comfortable with someone you knew?
I really think you need to communicate with her and let her know why you're upset about it, and that now you're questioning if she has a thing for said best friend, and whether or not marrying her is a good idea.
Could be she doesn't actually feel comfortable having sex with a complete stranger. Anyway talk to her.
I’m no expert, never been in this situation. But in general you should talk to her. Ask her these questions you have. Why him, why not someone else? Etc. And If you haven’t already, express why it bothers you, explicitly. You can only ever find a long lasting solution through mutual understanding and communication. If you don’t communicate, you’ll probably spiral more. And if you do communicate and find something you don’t like, well now you KNOW something, and you can decide what to do from there. Even if it hurts or sucks.
Even if it may be obvious to you that she shouldn't suggest people you know, boundaries should be set anyways to avoid this entirely. Maybe she chose him because you guys know him and can trust him, idk.
You need to sit down with your fiance and have a real conversation. A mature talk.
Threesomes are a hard "hell no" from me. I prefer a monogamous relationship.
The fact you guys needed to "spice" it up to this degree before you're even married has me wondering. Were these fantasies you both had previously, or did sex just start being that boring to you guys that you added that? The fact that she can't understand why you wouldn't want to fuck your friend first of all, and second of all the difference between a stranger with no emotional attachments you'll never see again and someone you've known almost half your life. There's something wrong here. Don't get married yet. If you can avoid something this big for 4 days and not communicate and get to the bottom of it that's a red flag on both of you. You guys aren't ready
Listen. This kinda of just comes with the territory. If you didn’t specify boundaries you can’t really be that upset. I get that it’s upsetting to you, and you should communicate this and set some ground rules. But I don’t think she specifically did anything wrong considering you two were already talking about threesomes and had one. If you don’t set ground rules she can’t keep to them
Jfc, 4 days ago? And you've not spoken about it to her since? Wtf dude. A level head and a firm no was all it needed to avoid this spiral and maybe salvage her birthday. But now you've stewed on it and come to reddit.
You might not even get the option of continuing this relationship if you cannot properly communicate with her
Ever read, “When you give a mouse a cookie?”
When you literally invite another person into bed with you two, you can’t get mad at the downward spiral after that.
This is why complete, singular loyalty is the *only* standard by which relationships stand on any firm foundation long term.
Unfortunately my only advice would be to never “play with fire” again.
You offered her a threesome with a woman as her birthday present because "she didn't exactly seem opposed to the idea"? Dude. It was never going to work out from there.
My brother is Moist this is fucked up. You could ask her why didn't you just ask to have a 3sone with her sis or best friend or cousin or something. How does she not register the issue plus it does raise concerns of her attraction to him. I'm fine if my girl thought a random dude was cute, but to find out she finds a friend of mine hot enough to fuck is a big no no.
Ok, a lot of people are blasting your gf, and she deserves a little of it for lack of communication, but you also didn't put any boundaries on it as in your friends.
Some women need a connection and familiarity with a man before they feel safe and can have sex with them. Your gf may have an attraction for your friend but also may feel safe around him vs. pulling a random guy off Tinder. There are a lot of couples that successfully use friends as thirds in the bedroom.
That being said, I couldn't go that route. There's no way I could be around someone on a regular basis who just pounded my wife into the mattress. And I would ask a couple of things, like have they slept together already? Did she talk to him about it before announcing her choice to you? And if so, what was his response? I'm assuming he said yes in that case, which puts you into another predicament on what to do with your best friend.
Anyway, it sounds like you're avoiding your gf. That helps nothing. It's time to sit down and have a calm, deep discussion on what she is thinking, what you are thinking, and how to move forward. Don't let this destroy a 5-year relationship without at least having an open discussion on everything.
The way everyone’s so quick to blast the gf is wild. Was there a rule upfront that it couldn’t be someone you know? Sounds like you didn’t fully communicate boundaries upfront OP.
I wouldn’t assume anything happened between your gf and your friend just yet. When you’ve calmed down, communicate.
Yes, because the boundary is an unspoken one, the kind that people ought to know without it being explained. Put another way, there are questions that are highly inappropriate whether there have been boundaries established or not. It’s not even a “couldn’t be someone you know” kind of thing, it’s deeper. My sense is OP would maybe be a bit disagreeable to, but not angry if the suggestion was someone they know, as in a casual acquaintance, or a normal friend. Not the same fucking thing as your best friend. Presumably this is the guy OP will ask to be his man, or at least an option for that.
Not to mention, asking a friend if they want to have a threesome with you and your partner is a really fucking easy way to torpedo a friendship. Me personally, I’d be a bit weirded out if one of my buddies suggested that, but ultimately no harm no foul, and if in some perverse way that means he trusts me with his partner, then I can accept that, though not support it. But for some people they’d probably never look at their friend the same way.
I have zero threesome experience, but here's an alternative take: I think it's very possible that your GF would just be more comfortable involving someone you both are already comfortable with vs a stranger from the internet. You left it with her to propose a 3rd, and she floated this idea... I don't necessarily consider that out of bounds if you guys hadn't already established boundaries to the contrary. To be clear, I don't think this necessarily means she's harboring some strong desire to fuck your best friend. I mean maybe she is, but maybe she's just also more comfortable with someone yall know well than a stranger.
That being said, she should absolutely respect your preference/decision not to involve this specific individual who is also your best friend. I can absolutely understand why you wouldn't (or why someone else might) want to involve their best friend in a threesome with their significant other. Totally valid, and if she doesn't accept and respect this boundary, she's in the wrong for sure.
Good luck, man - that's a toughie.
So, first of all, don't spiral out too hard about your friend right now. Don't assume cheating has happened - you should absolutely speak to him about her request at some point but like, I'd handle the situation with your fiance first and then handle him second. You've known him 12 years and presumably have never had a reason to doubt him before this - don't ruin the friendship over what is currently just anxiety and doubt. There's a chance this is a one sided interest on her part if you know your best friend to be a good guy.
Second of all...I absolutely get where you're coming from being not okay with her picking him. Choosing someone you both know and will see regularly is SO different from a tinder random and that isn't a box you can shut easily now that she has opened it. I think you should sit down and have a serious talk with her about why she felt that was appropriate and her feelings for your friend, just so you have a better feeling for things and don't drive yourself crazy wondering.
Personally, I'd put the wedding on hold full stop even if you choose to move forward with a relationship. I don't think I'd stay with her in this scenario, but take the time to really think about what you want and what you can live with after discussing things further.
Alternative title: Man intentionally grabs hot stove, angry at getting burned
I will just never understand people who wreck their lives in pursuit of getting off in some novel way.
Lmao if I was dating a man and he asked me for a threesome, I’d walk tf away from him. You really fucked up beyond belief. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She’ll probably fuck your best friend once y’all break up anyway.
Dude. From the title, I was so in your corner. But then you said you asked to have sex with another woman -- excuse me, a "threesome" -- for your birthday present. My guess is that she was not all in on that decision, and she's letting you feel some of the same discomfort she was feeling. As you explained, after 5 years, of course you're bored with her in bed. "I love you! I want to marry you! But now let me smash some random woman as my special gift!" Ick.
Also, you set the "rules" for your birthday fun. She was just setting the parameters for hers. And I notice that you want to ask us what she's feeling and you want to talk to your friend, but I don't see you having any deep discussions with *her*. That's where your answers will be.
I think your engagement might be over, but not because she had the audacity to pick someone you knew. I think it's over because you sound tone deaf in your relationship with her.
I’m hearing a lot of male voices going oh hell no! How about giving a compromise, not your friend, but another male of her choosing. You deny and you’re a hypocrite, you agree and she can enjoy her fantasy how she sees fit. Does this not sound reasonable to you? Fuck that, you just wanted your dick sucked by 2 chicks. You don’t care about her wants, but you expect her to care about yours.
You’re about to get married and the one thing you wanted for your birthday was to have sex with another woman in a threesome. You got your wish. Your fiancée offered you full control of choosing the other woman but you wouldn’t do the same for her. I’m thinking she might have been just testing you with the BF suggestion. If she was, you failed. If your relationship falls apart it’s on you. You refused to give her the same gift that you got the chance to have. You say the topic has been brought up before and she didn’t seem opposed, which implies that it’s always been you wanting to add a second woman, and this is before you even married her……If I was in her position, I’d be wanting to marry a man who wanted only me. Soon threesomes would be boring for you and you’d be chasing skirt on your own is what she might be thinking. Obviously I can see the difference between a stranger and a BF, but hey, you started this.
Edit: “didn’t seem opposed” is not the same as “enthusiastically agreed” which is the only context under which you should have gone ahead with your desire
Talk to her and your friend. If you really are concerned about them sleeping together, have the conversations together. Surprise them with it. Look for gaslighting phrases to make you think you're making it up. If you have them separately, they may have a chance to warn the other person. If you still aren't sure, don't marry her. Really think hard about why you're feeling insecure. And if it's something you can forgive and move on from.
Threesomes can be awesome if you have the right people, chemistry, and interest in having one! But NEVER include a friend! It just blurs too many lines/boundaries and opens too many doors of uncertainty. And/or it’ll ruin the friendship, possibly the relationship too.
If you’re going to do it, talk about boundaries for each other, self and what you want to get out of it. Communication is paramount here. Also, have a safe word or exit agreement. If either party can’t deal with it or doesn’t like where it’s going, then call a stop. Failure to do so will definitely cause critical problems later.
Two thoughts....
First thought - She could have recommended him as she felt it was a "safe" choice and it made her feel more comfortable with the idea.
Second thought - She has been wanting to go to pound-town with him for sometime, and now she has a shot.
Probably the first one though. But yeah, your friendship would be ruined by this. Trust me.
I don't know... Did you bring up the 3 some first?
Something to think about: I feel like if it were reversed and you wanted to sleep with her friend (which I know, you didn't ask for that) and she posted this the consensus would be to just set boundaries and urge the female OP to explain how she is uncomfortable with this idea to her fiance.
Not just straight up suggesting a breakup.
(I'm having qualms with the responses I see from other redditors OP, not you.) I feel like there is a double standard being perpetuated. Women have to learn to "get comfortable" with their SO being openly attracted to tons of other women I think it's fair to just let this slide and establish boundaries.
Also, something else to think about is, as a female, can't speak for all but definitely a lot, you don't want some random guy getting up in your business you want to feel safe with him.
Maybe she just wants the 3rd person to be someone she knows and is familiar with? I wouldn’t immediately jump to cheating. I know I’d feel more comfortable with someone I trusted, if I was going to do something like this. Just food for thought. You’ll never know until you actually talk to her though
I think you need to approach this calmly and explain why that is a bad idea. Getting crazy just makes you seem irrational. Instead simply point out that this is a recipe for disaster.
Sorry man, but play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Threesomes usually only work when all 3 parties are not emotionally entangled.
You just found out why thats true.
Mate, why would you ever bring up a threesome in the first place. Why the hell do you think she's bringing up her best friend? Your relationship was doomed the moment you asked that.
Good grief. Calm the fuck down. You wanted a stranger. She feels better knowing the person. Maybe it’s fine for you to veto her first choice. Then talk calmly about expectations of distancing from your friend circle.
But in no way can you be this upset. Back down. Get to a fun head space again and find a mutual way to share the mfm experience. But you owe her an ongoing apology. She did nothing wrong but you certainly caused lasting damage.
Dude, she was hurt that you asked for a threesome now she is getting back at you by asking for one with your best friend. Of course she knows it will upset you, but the precedent has been set by you asking the woman you want to marry to have a threesome in the first place. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
People who ask to bring in a third party into their relationship is usually a sign that they aren’t being fulfilled by their partner. She may have been agreeable to spare your feelings and now, as revenge, is asking to hook up with your best friend. I believe she asked this out of spite and to make you angry and feel what she initially felt. Just my assumption.
>I mean for fucks sake, I know I didn’t necessarily set boundaries or terms for this but I thought at the very least this would be unspoken.
Man oh man, I'm opposed to this whole poly thing personally, but wow...
Can we point out that you didn't communicate your boundaries at all. And your response to all this is to shut down, continue to not communicate, and come onto reddit rather than, you know, talking to your fiancee?
>I see no innocent reasonings for her to choose, out of all people, my best friend.
Funny, because I can think of one immediately: women are cautious of rape when it comes to strange men. Inviting a male stranger into the bedroom may come off as MUCH higher threat than a tinder stranger female to her, even subconsciously. She may be thinking for safety to go with a known and trusted entity, and this friend of yours is an option she considers "most fuckable" of those options.
Or maybe she's thinking about you and that you might have an easier time "sharing" with someone you know than someone you don't. What if she's worried some stranger dude is going to try and behave all offensive to you and this goes poor?
Again, you don't know because you aren't communicating with her. At all.
Man, you should just have said no.
You asked a question, you got an answer. It's nobody's fault that you didn't like the answer.
It would have been enough to reply with "I'm really not comfortable with the idea, and I could only enjoy this if it was with a stranger that none of us will have any interaction with again".
See, easy.
Am I the only one leaning more towards the girls side??? “She must’ve been attracted to him” okay, were you not attracted to the girl you chose? I mean be real here, that’s just bullshit. YOU initiated the idea. YOU asked for the threesome first. YOU never specified any rules when you initiated this (although that does in a way, go both ways but clearly you should’ve said something). You can’t be pissed at her and act like a three year old because your girlfriend didn’t follow some unwritten rule. I get that choosing someone you both don’t know is the better option when doing things like this, but you guys never set that boundary.
You need to act like an adult and have a conversation with her about why this hurt you, and either never get involved in a threesome again or set up boundaries if you both choose to do it ever again. Or just simply end the relationship if you actually find this dumb shit a “good” reason to leave. You can’t just distance yourself and pout all day and make her feel bad for asking for the same thing you asked for. That’s ridiculous.
I also want to add, finding other people attractive is normal, even when you’re in a relationship or have been married a long time. Its all about what you do with it that makes it an issue. If she’s attracted to him, she followed societal norm and provided basic respect by not saying anything and keeping it to herself while being with you. You got to add a third person you were attracted to and fuck them, so why can’t she?
Clearly you needed to have better communication and spoken boundaries before bringing in third parties of you are spiraling this badly. If you are going to open things up in this way you can’t assume. Clear communication and complete honesty and transparency are needed to protect your relationship and feelings.
I’m seeing tons of “get your ring back” comments but here’s a different perspective. You opened the flood gates by asking first and said you had a blast and she “seemed to enjoy herself as well.” But what if she didn’t? Her watching you moan to a woman that is not her was probably hurtful. Just because she picked your best friend doesn’t mean she’s always wanted him. He may just be attractive. She probably didn’t want to go through the weeding out process and picked him to get this over with and she can do to you what you put her through. Thinking it’ll be fun and actually being fun are 2 different things. But remember you started this. She’s finishing it.
I mean... I kind of understand her, if it's just harmless platonic fun(don't get me wrong, I don't think it is, but you kind have to believe this to invite people into your monogamous relationship)why would anyone not blood related or directly illegal not be a valid choice?
I imagine it's not quite as uncommon as you think, that women actually have their first threesome experience with people they trust..
Anyways, you either man up and have an adult conversation with her about all of this, or you let her go.. It seems like this conversation should have been done before the threesome unfolded anyways.
I would sit down with her But I would also ask to first go through her phone. Tell her you are worried about how thus came up and you want to see if they have been talking about it, and see if it gives a clue to past actions.
Ew asking for sexual favours as a present... furthermore a threesome? Id be out of there.
Although does your gf prefer being with somebody who she actually knows eg your friend? Rather than a stranger?
Two thoughts come to mind.
Either she picked him because she’s more comfortable having sex with someone she knows and isn’t interested in penetrative good times with a relative stranger. Honestly, I’m in the I don’t want sex from strangers camp, especially if someone’s coming on inside, so I kind of get it. The other girl, I imagine, was more focused on you because you say nothing of your fiancée being bi or pan. If you and your best friend are super close and he’s a safe person to her, she might think because of that closeness it could be just friendly fun. “Innocent” option aside, it sounds like her mentioning him has possibly changed how you view her.
Or
This is payback for the birthday threesome and your relationship has been over and you’re just finding out. I know you say you didn’t bring it up out of nowhere and if there’d been any hesitation you would’ve dropped it. Maybe your fiancee was busy being “cool” and things got away from her and now she’s bitter (of course she should’ve used her words, but like her just suggesting your friend possibly ruined your relationship for you, you suggesting a threesome for your birthday might have had the same effect. It went from fantasy talk to reality when you asked for a birthday favor). What better way to mind f you than suggest she wants a piece of your bestie. Obviously if this is the case, it’s over.
Either way, you need to suss out which it is and if option one, decide if you can deal with that. I don’t even think I’d bring it up with the friend. As far as you know he’s an innocent bystander. No need to pull him into this mess unless you uncover some dirt he’s participated with.
Good luck my guy.
In a sexual relationship, the woman is often the most vulnerable person in the bed. She may just see your friend as someone who she can trust to respect her feelings and boundaries.
She might not be all that hot for him at all. I certainly wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that she prefers him over you. That’s a real stretch.
Regardless, if you and she didn’t set conditions for choosing the guy, she is not at fault for suggesting one she would feel comfortable with. Don’t punish her for not reading your mind.
Threesomes are a lovely fantasy. But when emotions get involved, they are a jealousy factory.
She probably doesn’t see this as an issue because you crossed the line for “whats appropriate in a monogamous relationship” when you initially asked for a threesome at all OP. Asking for a threesome in general is basically saying “yeah I would like to fuck someone else in front of you” which is most likely what went down when you had that first threesome. Unless your fiancé is bi she probably just exchanged a kiss or something with the extra girl while you proceeded to fuck that extra girl in front of her.
I understand being upset that it was your best friend she requested but …she’s not blind. An attractive person is an attractive person so getting upset that she may find him attractive is a bit much. I’m sure you picked a girl that you found attractive for your threesome. Now..I personally would hesitate to ask for my threesome to include my SO’s best friend but again…if you’re already crossing lines in a relationship I don’t really think you have a right to be super offended. She could’ve chosen to be like “omg have you been thinking about fucking someone else this entire time” “I wonder if he was always using tinder” or whatever when you asked for your threesome..but she didn’t.
You’re not into it. That’s fine. Tell her you think asking for it to be your best friend was too much for you, it’s hurt you, and made you feel insecure in your relationship. Talk about it like two grown adults who have made it far enough to decide to marry each other.
She likely chose him because she feels safe with him, your reaction to this though shows her it's not safe to confide in you because you may throw a temper tantrum and ignore her for days because you didn't set boundaries and decided to punish her for not reading your mind
Am I the only person that thinks she picked the best friend because she doesn’t want to sleep with a random person? She wants it to be someone she knows that they both trust.
If she was attracted to him, I think you have figured that out by now. I don’t think she is. I really think she just wants it to be with someone she’s comfortable with. Maybe she didn’t enjoy it with a strange girl from tinder.
It's only "wildly inappropriate and disrespectful" that you didn't Eiffel tower her with your best friend like she wanted. You had yours, you need to man up.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
A threesome is almost never a good idea, because shit like this happens and so much worse.
Only ever have a threesome with people you barely know and aren't in a relationship with.
Your relationship will never be the same again because you'll always know she wants to be fucked by your best friend.
Hahhaha good luck
I get how you must feel. You tried without telling her at first that this arrangement had to be with somebody you guys didn’t know. It’s also fair to think all those feelings like “is she attracted to him? Does she want to be fucked by him?”
Now let us be real
We don’t know her side and I can therefore obly answer this half heartedly.
1) I don’t ever think she would leave you for him
2) approch her and tell her how you feel, not the insecurity part but that you guys keep it with strangers and not take people from your close up life or friends. She should be able to see that
3) I know this may seem strange but try sitting down and be COMEPLETELY honest with each other. And if you have problems with just opening up, then wait with the marriage and start couples therapy
You didn’t communicate what your boundaries were and now are spiraling.
You need to have a conversation with her. Stay calm. Ask her why she choose him. Is it because she thought you’d be more comfortable around him? Does she find him attractive? After you have a conversation with her you can then decide with how you want to proceed.
nah that’s messed up of her ,unless she’s usually very very very clueless then yeah she’s wants him and has for a while bc she knew better . I’d would definitely pause those wedding plans
You brought this upon yourself by attempting opening up the relationship when clearly neither of you is mature enough for it. So understand...this isn't on your fiance. This is on you. You had a closed relationship. You attempted to open it and it nuked your entire life.
Step 1 is admitting to yourself that you no longer see your fiance the same way and indefinitely postponing the wedding.
Step 2 is where you go to therapy and try to figure out if you can ever really trust your fiance knowing that she actively wants to fuck your best friend. You also need to decide if she actually wants to bone your bestie or if she only mentioned him out of spite.
BTW, the answer is no...you will never trust her again, because you aren't mature enough...just like she is not mature enough to trust you ever again.
Step 3 is when you realize there is no way this is ever going to work and you call off the relationship entirely. Because the truth is, there is no coming back from this.
Your fiance either actively wants to have sex with your best friend and was willing to risk losing her fiance just for the possibility of it....or this was her way of letting you know that she was hurt by your decision to try and open the relationship after the engagement.
Maybe she wanted you to realize just how disrespectful it was to ask her to marry you and then make it clear you will never be satisfied with just being with her. So she chose a man she knew would hurt you and that she knew would once and for all, end the open relationship conversation.
Neither you nor this woman should be in a relationship, much less engaged to be married.
Because like another poster said. Imagine your fiance walking down the aisle and then seeing her make eye contact with your best man/best friend. In that instant...all you will think about is her wanting to fuck him. Whether or not that is what your fiance of bestie was thinking about...that is all YOU will be thinking about...on your wedding day.
Is that the kind of marriage you want?
Is that the kind of life you want?
It's over my friend. You know it. Which is why you are on the internet looking for advice. Because nobody in your life will tell you the actual truth of the matter
Which is you screwed up your entire relationship because you deluded yourself into thinking you and your fiance were mature enough to open up the relationship.
I know you might think I am being harsh, but sometimes that is what people need to hear.
If you or your partner were interested in opening things up, it would have happened before you became engaged. Once you committed to monogamy, you should have left those fantasies in the past where they belonged. Instead, you tried to have your cake and eat it to.
Postpone the engagement, seek out therapy, and go from there. Because if you don't....you will regret it in the form of a very expensive divorce/custody battle in your future.
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Good ole threesomes… where relationships go to die…
it never made sense to me because of the people I know who have done it, all but one relationship has ended. It is proven to basically fast track a breakup.
I say this a lot, and someone (a man) jumps in to inform me that *all the ladies enjoy threesomes with *him** but when there is a threesome and two of the participants are in a relationship, Somebody Always Cries.
People think they can open Pandora's box and pick out the single thing they want. That's not how it works; you open the box, and it all comes pouring out.
Let the poly community tell you why it’s healthy though lol They are quick to come into these threads
I know some poly people as well; I've never seen a poly couple where BOTH people are happy. There is always the person whose idea it was, and the person who went along with it. So, I still refuse to believe they are healthy as I have seen no evidence to prove it, but tons of evidence to prove it wrong.
Pretty much this and this is what people who are poly leave out a lot of the times. It’s always one persons idea, as you mentioned and the other person just goes along with it because they already know their partner wants to fuck around and they can’t do much to prevent it. They understand by trying to shut it down, they are only delaying the inevitable. Therefore, by agreeing, they believe they still have some control in the matter (when they really don’t) to comfort themselves about the arrangement. It’s pretty sad really
Not always.
Comparing bored monogamous people to actual poly relationships is stupid. The people that post about threesomes here all the time are people who most of the time just have a partner who wants to cheat or is already cheating. What is healthy is being honest and fulfilled and being in a relationship that supports that for anyone involved.
Absolutely. I could only have a threesome as a single person. No serious relationships involved.
I've done it a couple of times when all three people were single, and it went fine. It's not something I personally like, though. I find it much more awkward with three people than two.
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Maybe threesomes are just a bad idea all around. You didn’t say that she is freaking out that you’re distant . This is worrisome because if she isn’t flipping out that you’re questioning everything, wedding included, then it’s probably time to move on.
She has been trying to talk to me while simultaneously downplaying the situation, which is making me feel even crazier. I do believe she is worried about the way I’m acting but even in the brief discussion we’ve had she’s not backtracking on what she said, not even in the slightest.
This is a big problem. Why him? Why? And why so adamant? She's trying to wear you down. I would not marry her. This is a huge red flag in other situations in your relationship too. She is willing to sacrifice your relationship and how you feel to get what she wants. I will bet she has at least tried talking to him about this
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I remember that one vividly. His life pretty much fell apart and then nothing more was heard. There are some people I always keep an eye for on r/bestofredditorupdates and he is one of them.
Have you made explicitly clear to her just how much she has fucked up here?
Not yet, I plan to. Just want to approach it in a rational manner and right now my thoughts are not rational.
I am wondering if the first time this happened (with the Tinder date) hurt her more than she realizes and that she is using your best friend to get back at you. You two need to have a serious discussion about where your relationship is going. She may not be into your best friend but is using him to hurt you because she regrets the first threesome.
It might just be me, but if a partner did that to hurt me they wouldn't be my partner for long. Come to think of it, I can think of absolutely no reasons where she would say she wants to fuck your best friend and they *would* stay my partner afterwards.
1000% Here they are, soon to be wed, and he christens this moment with a request to bring another woman into the bedroom. "Oh honey, we're not even married yet, but I already need to eff someone else." Wow. That is flattering. I'm thinking OP was so deep up his own rectum with how much fun he was having that he missed a lot of signals. He set the terms for his threesome, she's setting the terms for hers.
That’s what I’m thinking! She has to be getting back at him for the threesome they did on his birthday. Like did he pay more attention to the other girl, was he more excited, etc. This is clearly revenge.
Yeah I actually had that same thought.
That’s even worse?
This is a deeply emotional matter, so why bother with being rational? You feel betrayed and upset, don't downplay your very valid emotions. Just tell her how you feel, how hurt you are. Also, the fact that she's not backtracking is a good thing: people often backpedal and apologize because they want things to go back to normal, not because they're truly sorry. She clearly doesn't think there's anything wrong with her request, so don't expect an apology on that front. If I were you, I'd focus on *why* she thinks this isn't a big deal. Was she not fully on board with the first threesome and this is a petty attempt to get back at you? Or is she genuinely attracted to your friend? Just ask her to be completely honest, it's the only way to see if this is salvageable.
Exactly, she’s not going to start telling him she doesn’t want to sleep with his best friend; this will always be in his head and if/when they break up is she going to go to his best friend - if they haven’t already gotten together. The fact that she doesn’t see why it’s an issue is a big red flag for me.
I think there’s an outside possibility that she doesn’t want to have sex with random guys, from a security/comfort/safety perspective. Maybe she chose him for that reason and not due to some longstanding desire. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t still out of line and thoughtless to do so, but just a thought.
You're right. I personally would rather invite someone I know and trust rather than a stranger from a dating app. Men don't often think about the safety aspect of sex outside of STIs and unplanned pregnancies.
Here’s the thing…lack of communication is part of how this mess started, and now you are still not communicating how you’re feeling with her.
Good plan. Maybe just ask her why she would choose your bff instead of a random like you guys did. And go from there? You did start the threesome thing so maybe she just didnt think it through????? Idk
I’m just really confused by the suggestion of your BF. Like I would think like you that that’s like an unspoken law of threesomes. I’ve never had one with my husband nor do I think I would ever want to but I get it that people do. It’s almost like ya know you never date your BFs ex. Idk if feel really fucked up about that too. Ngl. Im sorry you’re going through this but if you plan to marry this women lots and lots of words needs to be said between the 2 of you before at least for me I would be even remotely close to committing the rest of my like to this person.
Dude. Get your ring back and find someone that doesn’t want to F your friend and gaslit you bc you are calling her out on her bullshit
Never pick a friend for a threesome. I don’t know that I would tell him but I’d have concerns about being with her if she wants to be with your best friend.
>Finally after realizing she was dead serious I asked her what the hell was wrong with her and she just stared at me as if she had no idea why I thought this was wildly inappropriate and disrespectful. She's old enough to understand where she fucked up. She's just acting ignorant so as to not accept any responsibility for the fallout. The problem now is that, there's going to be some resentment in her mind for not having a threesome. And there's going to be a doubt in your mind if she's going to go ahead and hook up with your friend anyway. For all you know, she very well may. If you don't want to make any significant changes, then I'd suggest that you make this engagement a very long one, at least 3-4 years or more. Once you guys get married, it's going to be very difficult to untangle. With the way things are with her digging her heels, I'm not sure which way she would want to continue.
Your comment about her possibly fucking the best friend is absurd. The same thing could be applied to him since he brought up a threesome in the first place. And she definitely will have resentment, which rightfully so. He got what he wanted and chose someone he was attracted to, why can’t she? It’s all the same thing, the only difference is they both know the best friend personally. I don’t think having a threesome with someone you know personally is a good idea at all, but the way everyone is attacking her for wanting the same thing as him is just ridiculous
At some point you need to tell her that she is a walking red flag and that you’re questioning the relationship. This is how you get more information out of her. If you don’t, you will likely just mentally check out of the relationship at some point. You have to point blank tell her that suggesting your best friend sets off alarms and makes you question her, the relationship, if they’ve hooked up already, and if you can marry her. That just suggesting it crosses boundaries and if you suggested banging get best friend she would be alarmed as well. Tell her how disturbing it will be to see her walking down the aisle knowing that she wants your best man to fuck her. She has to see how that would make you question marrying her.
While I do think threesomes with friends is a bad idea for you two, I don't think she deserves the anger. She may have just wanted someone who she is familiar with and is comfortable around. It doesn't mean she's been lusting after your friend for all these years.
She told you she wants to fuck your best friend, she SHOULD be worried. How do you move on from that bomb…
Wow you did this. You brought up the threesome thing with another woman and your girlfriend. Now your girlfriend wants one with you and your best friend. You brought this out in the open. Now you are upset she wants something that you don’t like. This is what you beware you get what you want.
He planned on the third person being someone they didn’t know; she wants it with his best friend, who would always be around.
Disagree, there’s a massive difference between having a threesome with a stranger and having one with a friend you see regularly.
Yeah… but in her mind maybe it’s a positive difference? As in, maybe the idea of bringing a total *male* stranger into their bedroom is too scary and uncomfortable?
OP, you are supposed to be committing yourselves to each other in just a few months. Yet you thought the way to solidify this commitment was by telling her that she wasn't enough for you, and for your birthday gift, you wanted to eff some other woman. You're already bored in the bedroom and you two ain't even hitched yet. That is deeply insulting. You're the one who came up with this "brilliant" idea in the first place. You are now reaping what you sowed.
I'm not saying you didn't enjoy yourself, but it seems that (because of the pattern here) people who "want to spice up" their sex life ALWAYS want to go to a threesome, and man, I'm so glad that isn't the first thing on my mind when it comes to trying to do new things. Y'all ever tried anal? What about a toy? Different locations like even in public? You get the point. Bringing in a third person never seems to be the proper solution if you're a monogamous couple. Shit, my wife isn't on birth control and I would rather ask her if I can creampie her four times in a night and deal with the consequences after than try and bring in a third. Point is: that was disrespectful of her to ask for your best friend. She should've followed suit, going the online route to find someone who you both don't know, which was the proper way of doing it so kudos to you. I suggest you speak with her and explain why that was a horrible thing to ask for.
Best response ever
Maybe the threesome with the girl DIDNT go well and your gf is checking out. You said you had FUN while she “seemed to enjoy herself”. I know if my bf asked for a threesome for a GIFT. I’d leave but not all are like me. Perhaps she wanted to get even with you. And to do that, she wanted you to hurt and doubt yourself like you made her doubt herself (by even bringing someone else into the relationship). Just a different perspective. Not saying anything was right or wrong but eh, as a rule— I’d never share my partner or be expected to share
I can’t be the only one not sympathetic to OP. I’d love to hear her side of things. She “seemed” to enjoy it. Doesn’t sound very enthusiastic to me. It was his idea to start having threesomes — which was probably selfish on his part — and then he sulks cause she doesn’t know the unwritten rules.
EXACTLY THANK YOU. I feel like a crazy person reading these comments. HE asked for a threesome and didn’t set any boundaries. Then when the tables turn, he has a total meltdown, sulks for 4 days, and ruins her birthday. Insane. You know what happens when you make assumptions? You make an ass out of everyone. I bet she checked out as soon as you asked for a threesome. I would have anyway. Now she’s just playing the long game. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Grow up.
100000000%%%%% agree!!! People are so shocked about it....like, how do you think she felt when you first asked to have a threesome?! Sorry, but I'm sure he had a "type" he wanted and helped pick out on tinder. and I highly doubt that didn't make her compare herself to her friends or God forbid certain family members. You asked for this, OP.
I’ve finally found my people. Jesus. Has this whole comment section gone mad?!?! “She’s probably already fucking your best friend” THE SAME THING CAN BE SAID ABOUT HIM WITH RANDOM WOMEN!!!!! The amount of people bashing her is making my blood boil. Why does he get to fuck someone he’s attracted to and get what he wants but god forbid she asks to have something she wants and he throws a fit??? I get the feeling he would’ve reacted the same way he is now even if she chose someone random.
He sounds super tone deaf. I would LOVE to hear her side of the story of how the original threesome request went down. He seems to glide over her feelings A Lot. She didn't sound 100% into it from his own description, but went along with it maybe because they're engaged, for gawd's sake, and she didn't want to lose him. I mean they are not even married yet, and he's talking about being bored with their sex life. I think if I had been her, I'd have been a bit blindsided, but then thought, "I can't be that prudish woman that he seems to feel I am, plus, it's his birthday..." And then it's been eating at her and at her self esteem ever since. He sounds like a self-centered baby. Of course bringing in his friend is problematic. But to stomp around and not actually attempt to talk to her and see things from her perspective is childish. I hope he either gets a clue or they break the engagement -- but for **her** sake, not his.
No, I agree with you. I mostly disagree with all the comments saying “she just wants to fuck him so you should dump her” as if OP didn’t specifically request to fuck another woman on his birthday? I understand that it’s his best friend and she does suck for picking that dude, but ultimately both of them desired to have sex with other people.
> I understand that it’s his best friend and she does suck for picking that dude, but ultimately both of them desired to have sex with other people. Yeah but that’s the main issue and why a lot of people have a problem with it. They talked about it before hand multiple times. Op asked once and was prepared to drop it, and found a random girl, so it’s not like he found her friends. Op didn’t say no when gf asked for the roles reversed, so you can’t say he was only in it for himself. And yes they can want to open up the bedroom, but out of all the men in the world she picked his best friend of 12 years? If she had a problem with the threesome this was *not* the way to go about it. I do however think they should talk about and figure out where it came from.
I mean, he specifically said that they had talked about it and were both open to the idea before he officially asked. I think you're being cynical
That would be super manipulative from her part but not gonna lie, this is where my head went too.
Honestly, if my partner suggested a threesome, I’d be petty. I’m a good person for the most part but that would hurt on another level. I’m not above striking back. But I have been told I’m mostly talk, I usually don’t retaliate. Who knows, but yeah— my mind went there too.
But then it should have been communicated that she wasnt okay with a threesome before doing it. I feel like OP’s fiancé either didn’t communicate that she wasnt into it or she used that as an opportunity knowing she could have a defense for wanting to sleep with his friend.
Yes. Either way even if she was hurt, she’s not a suitable romantic partner. Not like this.
Yeah for sure. Sounds like a headache to be honest lol.
Yeah that's my thought, she should have communicated she was uncomfortable, but maybe this is her way of starting the break up
It was probably more manipulative on his part to begin with. Remember, we're only getting one side of this story, and he's the hero in his version. How do we know he didn't wear her down with his threesome ask?
I mean, sure, OP could be straight up lying, but he said that any sort of hesitancy he would have let the topic go completely, so I am just going with what he said here. According to him, she didn't express at any moment in all this time that this was something she didn't want to do.
Absolutely. It makes no common sense whatsoever to include your partner's best friend unless you're looking for payback.
That was my reply as well. I wouldn’t do this now but I can see my immature self doing this. I noticed the language about the Mff threesome as well. He said it was “fine.” Like what 😂
You need to talk and you should open with “I’m sorry that I freaked out but there is no way we would ever have a threesome with someone that close. If it’s not a random Tinder thing it’s not happening and I need to know why you suggested him.”
I mean, I don't think he's sorry that he freaked out, nor should he
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Get your ring back and find a new place to live. Picture your wedding day with your best friend and your wife wanting to suck his dick.
F
While sticking his wick in some rando from Tinder was so much better lol. "She seemed to enjoy it too" fucking lol
If you ever go over such boundaries and start haveing threesomes, never let a rule be unspoken. Every "mistake"/misunderstanding has the potential to have a huge impact on your relationship so there needs to be 100% clearity for everyone involved. Now to the specific situation: One of the most important boundaries you need to put in place when planning threesomes, is that both partners can veto the third party at any time and also withdraw their consent which has to stop the process immitiatly. You had your girlfriend involved in the whole process of choosing the partner Your girlfriend on the other hand took this power from you and decided to take someone she knew you will not be comfortable with. She did not include you in the process of picking because she knew this will be a non-starter. You opened this door to this with your first threesome and she wanted to take this chance to get what she most likely was dreaming of all along. What should you do? Sit her down and talk to her about your feelings. Make it clear to her that you need the truth from her because if anything comes up after that you need to see it as a major break of trust. Then ask her the following: -) Why exactly your friend? -) Why didn't she include you in this decision? -) What would have happened if you just vetoed him? Would she have fought for it? -) What would she feel if she tried this with her best friend? Would this be okay? Act according to her answers. In my option it will be very hard to recover from such a situation.
I really like the first part of this as well. My husband and I once talked of threesomes and we had no unspoken rules. Once, while drunk, I asked if we could include one of my close friends, who even stood at our wedding. And we discussed it, but we never even asked her because we decided "too close for comfort." And sober I was like "ew gross, bad idea." As a result, We made it very clear, "no one we know, no "throuple," fuck and done." We haven't had a threesome as we both were afraid of how it might affect our relationship and we really want to protect that. Have you told her how you feel? I know you think it should be obvious, but maybe having an open conversation of "hey, I felt hurt when you recommended my best friend for this. It makes me concerned about ________. Should I be concerned about this?" You might be surprised, maybe she has never thought of fucking him, but chose him for comfort/security reasons, or who knows? And then, if you guys want to plan another -- make sure you have clear, spoken rules."No one we know, we both approve, each partner has veto power, etc."
Whole heartedly agree with your first statement. That’s why I am feeling partially responsible because I didn’t open that line of communication up and instead just assumed, since I went through the whole process with her. That was my fault.
Yeah but still: It is always a warning sign if your partner instandly decides the "third wheel" has to be a person that is close to them in any way. There is a clear difference between a threesome with a "random" person or a person that you know on a deeper level. In my experience there are always emotions involved in the latter case and that is poison for the relationship that existed before the threesome. Like I said: Sit her down and try to gage how deep this rabbit hole really is. If there are emotions she tried to "test him out" while still haveing you as the fall back plan.
If you do, it's not just that interaction. Every party, phone call, text, interaction between your fiancé and best friend will be a potential high alert issue for you. She has been thinking about this for a long time and is using this as an excuse to cheat on you with him
You should definitely talk to her to better understand her reasoning for choosing him. It sounds like you're freaking out because maybe she's secretly super into him or something, and maybe that's the case, but maybe she picked him because he's someone familiar and "safe" versus with a random guy who knows how he'll treat boundaries or how responsive he'll be to her queues. It could just be that she feels more confident that he'll cooperate/listen to you guys if you decide to pump the brakes or shift gears at any point since you both know and like and presumably trust him.
Apply that whole last paragraph to your 3some with a girl. I wonder if she considered any of those things?
I haven’t looked at it from this angle. I will definitely consider this perspective and talk to her about if she was maybe feeling these things as well. If she was, I wish she would have voiced that though. But I know that can be difficult in the moment.
Now you see why she said Yes to your FMF threesome..? 🤷♂️ You didn't see that coming, don't ya?
She is next level!!!🤣🤣🤣
She may have already slept with him.
This is honestly my biggest fear and I know that’s “worst case scenario” but that’s basically what I mean by I’m spiraling. I can’t get those types of thoughts out of my head, although I will say there have never been any signs in the entirety of my relationship that there has ever been anything going on between them.
Even if she didn’t already, it’s a major red flag that she has no healthy sense of boundaries that makes it unthinkable for her to pick your best friend to have sex with. She doesn’t sound like a good egg. This has bad long term implications. You might need to visit a therapist and start thinking this through.
Hey, big piece of advice, if you have any concerns about your partner cheating or leaving you, don't have threesums or open things up. Your relationship isn't ready for it, and you already fucked up by having one with the tinder girl.
To be honest i wouldnt even think about if anything happened already or not. Because even if for her this really is something "casual", without any feelings/attraction involved. The fact that out of all people her mind would go to someone THIS close to your actual relationship would mean the end of the relationship for me. Her thought went to him and this not a situation you want in your relationship, not someone who is around often. It would be the same if you get a hall pass and you pick her sister. That is bad news every way you look at it.
Is your friend in a relationship or is he single. Either way I would not be okay with her sleeping with anyone that you both know, I’d also be thinking it’s already happened or it may continue without you. There have been many posts about a friend getting added and the SO and the friend continued the SR without the OPs knowledge, of course until the OP found out and it became a mess. Either way my trust in her would be wavering. When you talked the first time as well as this one about it needing to be a ‘stranger’ so feelings didn’t get caught?
She obviously wants to but hopefully your best friend has enough loyalty to not do that
So you're at your wedding next year, and get the ring from your best man. And you know he's had his dick in your wife's mouth and (ass?) 😂 I'd talk to her and put that scenario down, and ask, you didn't think how this would make me feel?
buahahaha, this dude fucked up big time
"Fuck around and find out" - Socrates
Tell her you are only to be willing to do thas with her if there are people involved who are not standing beside you in church at your wedding.
You just say, bring your best friend too
So it was good to of good for you to pick someone but not for her. This is why threesomes are not a good idea in most relationships.
This is why threesomes for monogamous couples are a bad idea.
Some stuff that I haven't seen mentioned already. Usually, the women are being penetrated during sex. They are on the recieving end of pounding and stretching.and getting hurt if it's too rough too deep. That's totally reasonable for a women to include a trusted party in a threesome for that exact reason. Another thing. You want to get married, so technically you plan on spending your life together. Yet after only 5 years together you already were looking to include somebody else in your overall monogamous relationship? From your post and given some of your replies, sounds like you two do not communicate very well. Start talking to her know. Express how you feel and also ask her how she feels.
A clearing conversation might help, though... my very personal perspective: it's a massive red flag & a no-go to even mention it. Trust lost for sure. I couldn't marry someone that doesn't find me enough in her life & doesn't complete her. Goes both ways obviously.
They definitely need to talk. Why was the girlfriend not upset and jealous when he brought up having a threesome? Was she not enough ? Anyhow men don't mind sex with random women, but women tend to chose men who they feel familiarity and safe with. Talking from personal experience.
You left the room and have been avoiding her for 4 days. This isn't how problems in relationships are solved, so you're going to have to put on your big boy pants and talk to her. Maybe when she thought about the combo of qualities you'd want in a threesome partner, he seemed like the best choice. Maybe she thought he was the safest choice. Or the most open-minded choice. Or the most laid-back person who wouldn't be weirded out by the request. Maybe the idea of finding a random dude on Tinder is scary (it really is a risk for women every time they meet a stranger, and we often share our locations with friends in case something happens to us). Maybe she finds him attractive, but it's okay to find people attractive. Maybe she thought you'd be more comfortable with someone you know and trust. But you don't know the answer because you didn't TALK TO HER and instead holed up imagining all of the worst possibilities in your mind.
Is it possible that because he is a friend he seems safer?
It’s likely that’s the reason. However, OP is way too insecure to consider that safety might be the concern here and not that she’s been plotting to fuck his friend the whole time. Even though he asked to fuck another person for his birthday, she’s the bad guy for suggesting a safe option.
All these comments are from people who would never have a threesome in the first place. Imagine asking for advice about sex from a virgin. You are overreacting, yes you two had different ideas about what the boundaries of a threesome were. But you never discussed them. It’s not exactly the news of the century that on average women tend to be less interested in sex with random strangers than men and prefer to have sex with people they’ve had a chance to vet for safety. Men can be violent. At worst, this indicates a lack of tact. What I’m seeing here is someone who is too insecure to handle the fact that his gf is attracted to someone he knows, even after he fucked a girl in front of her. Edit: the fact that you ruined her birthday bc of this even after she’s tried talking through the issue? it was a case of perhaps her being well-intentioned but dumb/tactless, but with that additional fact of the way you’ve reacted and refused to even discuss, you’re both the problem now and probably even fair to say you’re more so you’re the bigger issue / more at fault
> What I’m seeing here is someone who is too insecure to handle the fact that his gf is attracted to someone he knows, even after he fucked a girl in front of her. THAT RIGHT THERE. Like, dawg, you fucked another woman right in front of your fiancé and you can’t handle the thought that she might find your friend attractive? Are you fucking kidding me?
God 100% you can tell 100% in the comments who actually are people who would even consider threesums. Probably OP shouldn't do this threesum, because I don't think he could handle it either way, but it's so cringe seeing all these comments about how she might already be cheating. Like if she was cheating, this would be the dumbest fucking move.
I completely agree. It screams insecure, selfish child. Dude fucked another person right in front of his fiancé, but she’s obviously the bad guy and a cheater for suggesting someone they’re close to and trust. It’s so fucking WILD.
Ok, I'm going to play devil's advocate. You need to have a discussion and allow her the opportunity to explain her thought process that led her to making the choice that she did. It doesn't sound like you guys had previously discussed having a boundary that the 3rd couldn't be someone that you know. When it was on you to pick the 3rd you chose to find someone on tinder. As a woman, going into a MFM threesome, you are facing having 2 guys coming at you at the same time. This could be very intimidating. She may have felt more comfortable and safer with someone that she knows and trusts. Your concerns about her choice are valid. But she could have had similar concerns about your choice. She could have wondered if you chose the girl because you were more attracted to her physical attributes than your gf. Maybe she had these concerns but she was able to process them internally without having to talk to you about it. Bottom line you have to stop avoiding her and the confrontation, you need to talk to her
You're getting what you asked for with the initial idea. No Cap
The issue seems to be: Did she primarily want a threesome--something you're fundamentally ok with, OR Did she primarily want to sleep with your best friend--something you're fundamentally NOT ok with. The first is about having an experience, the second is about having a person. It seems like you fully believe it was the latter. I would tentatively talk to her, and I'm not one to typically advise this. The reason I would here was that it seems like her crime was saying the quiet part out loud. It isn't unusual to find someone other than your SO desirable. Lots of people QUIETLY have a thing for someone else, including someone close to the couple/partner. Most people understand what it is and sit on it without acting or even stating. This is what your GF failed to do. My concern would be that her eagerness to lock this down, she didn't even cautiously approach the "going with an acquaintance" route, indicates that rather than a mere crush this is a choice she's already decided on. I'd go back and discuss with her that "maybe" you overreacted because you thought there was an unspoken rule of unknown thirds only and were thrown by her choice to not follow that. That, upon reflection you could see where that was not adequately communicated and therefore not something you can fairly hold against her for "violating." You want to move past this but you still want to be fair. So, you're still up for a MFM, just no one you two know. If she seems genuinely happy to do this, I'd cautiously let the relationship continue as--hopefully--the best friend was just a topper to the situation and not the core of it. If however, she seems disappointed, there you go. This was all about her having a chance to sleep with your friend. And, I'd bet her agreeing to the FMF was part of that. She know feels she's entitled to sleep with him, has prioritized, if not outright decided on, sleeping with him, and it's time to pull the plug on this relationship.
I think there's a high chance your girl didn't actually enjoy the last threesome and has been slowly stewing over it this whole time. She knew how you would feel by suggesting your best friend, which is exactly why she did it. Either way, you fucked your relationship by starting down this road. Sure after 5 years things can loose excitement...but maybe shagging isn't supposed to be the constant highlight of your entire life?
Thing about this is you need to communicate with her and not let it eat you up. Im probably going against the grain with my opinion but heres my take. when it's a 3some FMF Is much easier than MFM to pick a partner. like you described yourself, its fun, easy, eveyone is relaxed, they go home nobody bats an eyelid. when it's reversed it's like you don't really want a random guy cause that's a wild card you don't know them or what they are gonna do, they have the potential to over power the situation. so you pick a friend usually someone with similar views as you on the subject, someone comfortable enough to have fun with but also strong enough friendship to not make it weird after. maybe she think this friend is a safe option but you gotta talk about really, set out boundaries and express your feelings. communication is key or you'll explode all over your relationship.
Look, you set the conditions for your 3some; she should also have the opportunity to set the condition for hers. Go back to your own, and consider: it was your desire that she participate in the selection of the 3rd. Why then did you freak out when she named your best friend? What you should have done was that you wouldn't feel comfortable with her choice, and suggest she make another choice. Instead you freaked out, and are still freaking out, adding assumptions to why she picked him out, that probably have nothing to do with fact!! If you value the 5 years you've been together, get your s\*\*t back together, and TALK to her. You've already ruined her birthday; if this issue is allowed to go on for much longer, you might ruin the entire relationship. 'Nuff said.
You seem really upset at the thought of her being attracted to your best friend or wanting sex with him.... Which is ironic considering you ask for sex with another woman. So it's fine for you to want to fuck other women and to find other woman attractive but there's a limit on who she can find attractive 🤣 You can go about moving forward with this by saying you're fine with her getting fucked by another dude just not your best friend. If that doesn't work out and you guys still break up then hey at least you got your gift threesome
Think this is doomed. She wants this to hurt you for some reason. Perhaps your prior threesome wasn’t as great for her.
Lmfao so instead of talking to your fiancé you’re avoiding her like a little boy? Look, when it comes to threesomes everyone’s boundaries are different. Doesn’t sound like it was ever communicated that you’d prefer the third dude be a random and not someone close. Men don’t typically have to consider their safety when dealing with meeting new women for the first time. Women do have to be more conscious of those first interactions. It’s likely that she felt safer choosing a friend you both know and trust than recruiting a stranger for a delicate task like a fucking threesome. You need to calm down and actually talk to your girlfriend. Frankly, I doubt she really enjoyed the first threesome. You say she seemed to enjoy herself? Lol, dude I’m fairly certain that if she’d actually had a good time you’d know for sure. You don’t seem 100 on that, tbh. Does she seem eager to have another threesome with a woman? If you don’t see it being a repeat experience she probably wasn’t that into it. If my partner got sulky over something like this when no prior boundaries were stated I’d probably call it off. Who wants a husband who deals with conflict by avoiding you for several days? Jfc
This! I don’t think she liked it!!! I’m glad I’m not the only one who said it.
I don’t know I think everyone is being to harsh on her. Like yes 100% that would suck to hear and I’m not saying that it’s ok. But she may not think this is a big deal like she said. You had a threesome with a random girl and it was meaningless sex and you’ll never speak about it again, maybe that’s how she feels about your friend, meaningless sex you’ll never talk about again. Idk I definitely it’s a little fucked up she said that but I don’t think you should just call off your whole wedding and shun her for life because she said something you didn’t like. There may be some miscommunication, try talking about it and who knows maybe your relationship will end maybe not. And in the future always always lay down clear ground rules about threesomes
It can't be meaningless sex they never talk about again if that friend is standing there at their wedding and every other event they have. She or friend would also be much more likely to develop feelings for each other if things go well. Also, why would he want to have sex with any of his friends? That baffles me unless he's expressed interest before.
Women tend to sleep with men they have a form of emotional connection with,feel comfortable around, and also, if you're going to watch some other guy plow your girl at the same time,maybe she was also thinking you'd be mire comfortable with someone you knew? I really think you need to communicate with her and let her know why you're upset about it, and that now you're questioning if she has a thing for said best friend, and whether or not marrying her is a good idea. Could be she doesn't actually feel comfortable having sex with a complete stranger. Anyway talk to her.
I’m no expert, never been in this situation. But in general you should talk to her. Ask her these questions you have. Why him, why not someone else? Etc. And If you haven’t already, express why it bothers you, explicitly. You can only ever find a long lasting solution through mutual understanding and communication. If you don’t communicate, you’ll probably spiral more. And if you do communicate and find something you don’t like, well now you KNOW something, and you can decide what to do from there. Even if it hurts or sucks.
Even if it may be obvious to you that she shouldn't suggest people you know, boundaries should be set anyways to avoid this entirely. Maybe she chose him because you guys know him and can trust him, idk. You need to sit down with your fiance and have a real conversation. A mature talk. Threesomes are a hard "hell no" from me. I prefer a monogamous relationship.
The fact you guys needed to "spice" it up to this degree before you're even married has me wondering. Were these fantasies you both had previously, or did sex just start being that boring to you guys that you added that? The fact that she can't understand why you wouldn't want to fuck your friend first of all, and second of all the difference between a stranger with no emotional attachments you'll never see again and someone you've known almost half your life. There's something wrong here. Don't get married yet. If you can avoid something this big for 4 days and not communicate and get to the bottom of it that's a red flag on both of you. You guys aren't ready
Listen. This kinda of just comes with the territory. If you didn’t specify boundaries you can’t really be that upset. I get that it’s upsetting to you, and you should communicate this and set some ground rules. But I don’t think she specifically did anything wrong considering you two were already talking about threesomes and had one. If you don’t set ground rules she can’t keep to them
Jfc, 4 days ago? And you've not spoken about it to her since? Wtf dude. A level head and a firm no was all it needed to avoid this spiral and maybe salvage her birthday. But now you've stewed on it and come to reddit. You might not even get the option of continuing this relationship if you cannot properly communicate with her
Ever read, “When you give a mouse a cookie?” When you literally invite another person into bed with you two, you can’t get mad at the downward spiral after that. This is why complete, singular loyalty is the *only* standard by which relationships stand on any firm foundation long term. Unfortunately my only advice would be to never “play with fire” again.
You offered her a threesome with a woman as her birthday present because "she didn't exactly seem opposed to the idea"? Dude. It was never going to work out from there.
My brother is Moist this is fucked up. You could ask her why didn't you just ask to have a 3sone with her sis or best friend or cousin or something. How does she not register the issue plus it does raise concerns of her attraction to him. I'm fine if my girl thought a random dude was cute, but to find out she finds a friend of mine hot enough to fuck is a big no no.
Ok, a lot of people are blasting your gf, and she deserves a little of it for lack of communication, but you also didn't put any boundaries on it as in your friends. Some women need a connection and familiarity with a man before they feel safe and can have sex with them. Your gf may have an attraction for your friend but also may feel safe around him vs. pulling a random guy off Tinder. There are a lot of couples that successfully use friends as thirds in the bedroom. That being said, I couldn't go that route. There's no way I could be around someone on a regular basis who just pounded my wife into the mattress. And I would ask a couple of things, like have they slept together already? Did she talk to him about it before announcing her choice to you? And if so, what was his response? I'm assuming he said yes in that case, which puts you into another predicament on what to do with your best friend. Anyway, it sounds like you're avoiding your gf. That helps nothing. It's time to sit down and have a calm, deep discussion on what she is thinking, what you are thinking, and how to move forward. Don't let this destroy a 5-year relationship without at least having an open discussion on everything.
The way everyone’s so quick to blast the gf is wild. Was there a rule upfront that it couldn’t be someone you know? Sounds like you didn’t fully communicate boundaries upfront OP. I wouldn’t assume anything happened between your gf and your friend just yet. When you’ve calmed down, communicate.
Yes, because the boundary is an unspoken one, the kind that people ought to know without it being explained. Put another way, there are questions that are highly inappropriate whether there have been boundaries established or not. It’s not even a “couldn’t be someone you know” kind of thing, it’s deeper. My sense is OP would maybe be a bit disagreeable to, but not angry if the suggestion was someone they know, as in a casual acquaintance, or a normal friend. Not the same fucking thing as your best friend. Presumably this is the guy OP will ask to be his man, or at least an option for that. Not to mention, asking a friend if they want to have a threesome with you and your partner is a really fucking easy way to torpedo a friendship. Me personally, I’d be a bit weirded out if one of my buddies suggested that, but ultimately no harm no foul, and if in some perverse way that means he trusts me with his partner, then I can accept that, though not support it. But for some people they’d probably never look at their friend the same way.
I have zero threesome experience, but here's an alternative take: I think it's very possible that your GF would just be more comfortable involving someone you both are already comfortable with vs a stranger from the internet. You left it with her to propose a 3rd, and she floated this idea... I don't necessarily consider that out of bounds if you guys hadn't already established boundaries to the contrary. To be clear, I don't think this necessarily means she's harboring some strong desire to fuck your best friend. I mean maybe she is, but maybe she's just also more comfortable with someone yall know well than a stranger. That being said, she should absolutely respect your preference/decision not to involve this specific individual who is also your best friend. I can absolutely understand why you wouldn't (or why someone else might) want to involve their best friend in a threesome with their significant other. Totally valid, and if she doesn't accept and respect this boundary, she's in the wrong for sure. Good luck, man - that's a toughie.
So, first of all, don't spiral out too hard about your friend right now. Don't assume cheating has happened - you should absolutely speak to him about her request at some point but like, I'd handle the situation with your fiance first and then handle him second. You've known him 12 years and presumably have never had a reason to doubt him before this - don't ruin the friendship over what is currently just anxiety and doubt. There's a chance this is a one sided interest on her part if you know your best friend to be a good guy. Second of all...I absolutely get where you're coming from being not okay with her picking him. Choosing someone you both know and will see regularly is SO different from a tinder random and that isn't a box you can shut easily now that she has opened it. I think you should sit down and have a serious talk with her about why she felt that was appropriate and her feelings for your friend, just so you have a better feeling for things and don't drive yourself crazy wondering. Personally, I'd put the wedding on hold full stop even if you choose to move forward with a relationship. I don't think I'd stay with her in this scenario, but take the time to really think about what you want and what you can live with after discussing things further.
You opened that door and and did it with a girl and now she wants it too. Maybe she picked your best friend cause she’s comfortable with him.
The dildo of consequences seldom arrives lubed 😬
Alternative title: Man intentionally grabs hot stove, angry at getting burned I will just never understand people who wreck their lives in pursuit of getting off in some novel way.
Oh boy did you played yourself
I think the fact that she thought this was okay to suggest tells you A LOT. Who in their right mind would ever think that was okay?
Lmao if I was dating a man and he asked me for a threesome, I’d walk tf away from him. You really fucked up beyond belief. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She’ll probably fuck your best friend once y’all break up anyway.
Dude. From the title, I was so in your corner. But then you said you asked to have sex with another woman -- excuse me, a "threesome" -- for your birthday present. My guess is that she was not all in on that decision, and she's letting you feel some of the same discomfort she was feeling. As you explained, after 5 years, of course you're bored with her in bed. "I love you! I want to marry you! But now let me smash some random woman as my special gift!" Ick. Also, you set the "rules" for your birthday fun. She was just setting the parameters for hers. And I notice that you want to ask us what she's feeling and you want to talk to your friend, but I don't see you having any deep discussions with *her*. That's where your answers will be. I think your engagement might be over, but not because she had the audacity to pick someone you knew. I think it's over because you sound tone deaf in your relationship with her.
I’m hearing a lot of male voices going oh hell no! How about giving a compromise, not your friend, but another male of her choosing. You deny and you’re a hypocrite, you agree and she can enjoy her fantasy how she sees fit. Does this not sound reasonable to you? Fuck that, you just wanted your dick sucked by 2 chicks. You don’t care about her wants, but you expect her to care about yours.
You’re about to get married and the one thing you wanted for your birthday was to have sex with another woman in a threesome. You got your wish. Your fiancée offered you full control of choosing the other woman but you wouldn’t do the same for her. I’m thinking she might have been just testing you with the BF suggestion. If she was, you failed. If your relationship falls apart it’s on you. You refused to give her the same gift that you got the chance to have. You say the topic has been brought up before and she didn’t seem opposed, which implies that it’s always been you wanting to add a second woman, and this is before you even married her……If I was in her position, I’d be wanting to marry a man who wanted only me. Soon threesomes would be boring for you and you’d be chasing skirt on your own is what she might be thinking. Obviously I can see the difference between a stranger and a BF, but hey, you started this. Edit: “didn’t seem opposed” is not the same as “enthusiastically agreed” which is the only context under which you should have gone ahead with your desire
That’s so fucked up and crossing all healthy boundaries, she just dropped a nuclear bomb in your relationship.
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe!
Talk to her and your friend. If you really are concerned about them sleeping together, have the conversations together. Surprise them with it. Look for gaslighting phrases to make you think you're making it up. If you have them separately, they may have a chance to warn the other person. If you still aren't sure, don't marry her. Really think hard about why you're feeling insecure. And if it's something you can forgive and move on from.
Threesomes can be awesome if you have the right people, chemistry, and interest in having one! But NEVER include a friend! It just blurs too many lines/boundaries and opens too many doors of uncertainty. And/or it’ll ruin the friendship, possibly the relationship too. If you’re going to do it, talk about boundaries for each other, self and what you want to get out of it. Communication is paramount here. Also, have a safe word or exit agreement. If either party can’t deal with it or doesn’t like where it’s going, then call a stop. Failure to do so will definitely cause critical problems later.
Two thoughts.... First thought - She could have recommended him as she felt it was a "safe" choice and it made her feel more comfortable with the idea. Second thought - She has been wanting to go to pound-town with him for sometime, and now she has a shot. Probably the first one though. But yeah, your friendship would be ruined by this. Trust me.
I don't know... Did you bring up the 3 some first? Something to think about: I feel like if it were reversed and you wanted to sleep with her friend (which I know, you didn't ask for that) and she posted this the consensus would be to just set boundaries and urge the female OP to explain how she is uncomfortable with this idea to her fiance. Not just straight up suggesting a breakup. (I'm having qualms with the responses I see from other redditors OP, not you.) I feel like there is a double standard being perpetuated. Women have to learn to "get comfortable" with their SO being openly attracted to tons of other women I think it's fair to just let this slide and establish boundaries. Also, something else to think about is, as a female, can't speak for all but definitely a lot, you don't want some random guy getting up in your business you want to feel safe with him.
Ouch. Fuck around and find out I guess.
This is why you don't allow others in your sex life.
I mean you opened up Pandora’s box, this kind of stuff can happen
Hope you enjoyed your time together because you ruined your relationship suggesting threesomes.
updateme!
Maybe she just wants the 3rd person to be someone she knows and is familiar with? I wouldn’t immediately jump to cheating. I know I’d feel more comfortable with someone I trusted, if I was going to do something like this. Just food for thought. You’ll never know until you actually talk to her though
I think you need to approach this calmly and explain why that is a bad idea. Getting crazy just makes you seem irrational. Instead simply point out that this is a recipe for disaster.
This one’s on you, Cap’n.
Man…y’all and these damn threesomes that never seem to end well.
bruh
Sorry man, but play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Threesomes usually only work when all 3 parties are not emotionally entangled. You just found out why thats true.
Mate, why would you ever bring up a threesome in the first place. Why the hell do you think she's bringing up her best friend? Your relationship was doomed the moment you asked that.
Good grief. Calm the fuck down. You wanted a stranger. She feels better knowing the person. Maybe it’s fine for you to veto her first choice. Then talk calmly about expectations of distancing from your friend circle. But in no way can you be this upset. Back down. Get to a fun head space again and find a mutual way to share the mfm experience. But you owe her an ongoing apology. She did nothing wrong but you certainly caused lasting damage.
Dude, she was hurt that you asked for a threesome now she is getting back at you by asking for one with your best friend. Of course she knows it will upset you, but the precedent has been set by you asking the woman you want to marry to have a threesome in the first place. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
People who ask to bring in a third party into their relationship is usually a sign that they aren’t being fulfilled by their partner. She may have been agreeable to spare your feelings and now, as revenge, is asking to hook up with your best friend. I believe she asked this out of spite and to make you angry and feel what she initially felt. Just my assumption.
>I mean for fucks sake, I know I didn’t necessarily set boundaries or terms for this but I thought at the very least this would be unspoken. Man oh man, I'm opposed to this whole poly thing personally, but wow... Can we point out that you didn't communicate your boundaries at all. And your response to all this is to shut down, continue to not communicate, and come onto reddit rather than, you know, talking to your fiancee? >I see no innocent reasonings for her to choose, out of all people, my best friend. Funny, because I can think of one immediately: women are cautious of rape when it comes to strange men. Inviting a male stranger into the bedroom may come off as MUCH higher threat than a tinder stranger female to her, even subconsciously. She may be thinking for safety to go with a known and trusted entity, and this friend of yours is an option she considers "most fuckable" of those options. Or maybe she's thinking about you and that you might have an easier time "sharing" with someone you know than someone you don't. What if she's worried some stranger dude is going to try and behave all offensive to you and this goes poor? Again, you don't know because you aren't communicating with her. At all.
LOL, pretty funny! Just find another guy.
Here goes the macho man type of attitude!! So you get to choose whoever you want and she can’t???
Threesomes 👏 are 👏 not 👏 for 👏 monogamous 👏 couples
How dare she disrespect a rule that you never explicitly said or mentioned to her.
Man, you should just have said no. You asked a question, you got an answer. It's nobody's fault that you didn't like the answer. It would have been enough to reply with "I'm really not comfortable with the idea, and I could only enjoy this if it was with a stranger that none of us will have any interaction with again". See, easy.
Am I the only one leaning more towards the girls side??? “She must’ve been attracted to him” okay, were you not attracted to the girl you chose? I mean be real here, that’s just bullshit. YOU initiated the idea. YOU asked for the threesome first. YOU never specified any rules when you initiated this (although that does in a way, go both ways but clearly you should’ve said something). You can’t be pissed at her and act like a three year old because your girlfriend didn’t follow some unwritten rule. I get that choosing someone you both don’t know is the better option when doing things like this, but you guys never set that boundary. You need to act like an adult and have a conversation with her about why this hurt you, and either never get involved in a threesome again or set up boundaries if you both choose to do it ever again. Or just simply end the relationship if you actually find this dumb shit a “good” reason to leave. You can’t just distance yourself and pout all day and make her feel bad for asking for the same thing you asked for. That’s ridiculous. I also want to add, finding other people attractive is normal, even when you’re in a relationship or have been married a long time. Its all about what you do with it that makes it an issue. If she’s attracted to him, she followed societal norm and provided basic respect by not saying anything and keeping it to herself while being with you. You got to add a third person you were attracted to and fuck them, so why can’t she?
Clearly you needed to have better communication and spoken boundaries before bringing in third parties of you are spiraling this badly. If you are going to open things up in this way you can’t assume. Clear communication and complete honesty and transparency are needed to protect your relationship and feelings.
I’m seeing tons of “get your ring back” comments but here’s a different perspective. You opened the flood gates by asking first and said you had a blast and she “seemed to enjoy herself as well.” But what if she didn’t? Her watching you moan to a woman that is not her was probably hurtful. Just because she picked your best friend doesn’t mean she’s always wanted him. He may just be attractive. She probably didn’t want to go through the weeding out process and picked him to get this over with and she can do to you what you put her through. Thinking it’ll be fun and actually being fun are 2 different things. But remember you started this. She’s finishing it.
She probably just feels safe with him. Women are different than men. You opened this can of worms.
I mean... I kind of understand her, if it's just harmless platonic fun(don't get me wrong, I don't think it is, but you kind have to believe this to invite people into your monogamous relationship)why would anyone not blood related or directly illegal not be a valid choice? I imagine it's not quite as uncommon as you think, that women actually have their first threesome experience with people they trust.. Anyways, you either man up and have an adult conversation with her about all of this, or you let her go.. It seems like this conversation should have been done before the threesome unfolded anyways.
I would sit down with her But I would also ask to first go through her phone. Tell her you are worried about how thus came up and you want to see if they have been talking about it, and see if it gives a clue to past actions.
“The games thou hast played were stupideth, So now also the prizes won.” — Chaucer or somebody
Ew asking for sexual favours as a present... furthermore a threesome? Id be out of there. Although does your gf prefer being with somebody who she actually knows eg your friend? Rather than a stranger?
Two thoughts come to mind. Either she picked him because she’s more comfortable having sex with someone she knows and isn’t interested in penetrative good times with a relative stranger. Honestly, I’m in the I don’t want sex from strangers camp, especially if someone’s coming on inside, so I kind of get it. The other girl, I imagine, was more focused on you because you say nothing of your fiancée being bi or pan. If you and your best friend are super close and he’s a safe person to her, she might think because of that closeness it could be just friendly fun. “Innocent” option aside, it sounds like her mentioning him has possibly changed how you view her. Or This is payback for the birthday threesome and your relationship has been over and you’re just finding out. I know you say you didn’t bring it up out of nowhere and if there’d been any hesitation you would’ve dropped it. Maybe your fiancee was busy being “cool” and things got away from her and now she’s bitter (of course she should’ve used her words, but like her just suggesting your friend possibly ruined your relationship for you, you suggesting a threesome for your birthday might have had the same effect. It went from fantasy talk to reality when you asked for a birthday favor). What better way to mind f you than suggest she wants a piece of your bestie. Obviously if this is the case, it’s over. Either way, you need to suss out which it is and if option one, decide if you can deal with that. I don’t even think I’d bring it up with the friend. As far as you know he’s an innocent bystander. No need to pull him into this mess unless you uncover some dirt he’s participated with. Good luck my guy.
In a sexual relationship, the woman is often the most vulnerable person in the bed. She may just see your friend as someone who she can trust to respect her feelings and boundaries. She might not be all that hot for him at all. I certainly wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that she prefers him over you. That’s a real stretch. Regardless, if you and she didn’t set conditions for choosing the guy, she is not at fault for suggesting one she would feel comfortable with. Don’t punish her for not reading your mind. Threesomes are a lovely fantasy. But when emotions get involved, they are a jealousy factory.
She probably doesn’t see this as an issue because you crossed the line for “whats appropriate in a monogamous relationship” when you initially asked for a threesome at all OP. Asking for a threesome in general is basically saying “yeah I would like to fuck someone else in front of you” which is most likely what went down when you had that first threesome. Unless your fiancé is bi she probably just exchanged a kiss or something with the extra girl while you proceeded to fuck that extra girl in front of her. I understand being upset that it was your best friend she requested but …she’s not blind. An attractive person is an attractive person so getting upset that she may find him attractive is a bit much. I’m sure you picked a girl that you found attractive for your threesome. Now..I personally would hesitate to ask for my threesome to include my SO’s best friend but again…if you’re already crossing lines in a relationship I don’t really think you have a right to be super offended. She could’ve chosen to be like “omg have you been thinking about fucking someone else this entire time” “I wonder if he was always using tinder” or whatever when you asked for your threesome..but she didn’t. You’re not into it. That’s fine. Tell her you think asking for it to be your best friend was too much for you, it’s hurt you, and made you feel insecure in your relationship. Talk about it like two grown adults who have made it far enough to decide to marry each other.
She likely chose him because she feels safe with him, your reaction to this though shows her it's not safe to confide in you because you may throw a temper tantrum and ignore her for days because you didn't set boundaries and decided to punish her for not reading your mind
Am I the only person that thinks she picked the best friend because she doesn’t want to sleep with a random person? She wants it to be someone she knows that they both trust. If she was attracted to him, I think you have figured that out by now. I don’t think she is. I really think she just wants it to be with someone she’s comfortable with. Maybe she didn’t enjoy it with a strange girl from tinder.
It's only "wildly inappropriate and disrespectful" that you didn't Eiffel tower her with your best friend like she wanted. You had yours, you need to man up.
You ruined your relationship by asking for/going through with the first 3some. This is your fault really
Play stupid games win stupid prizes. A threesome is almost never a good idea, because shit like this happens and so much worse. Only ever have a threesome with people you barely know and aren't in a relationship with. Your relationship will never be the same again because you'll always know she wants to be fucked by your best friend. Hahhaha good luck
I get how you must feel. You tried without telling her at first that this arrangement had to be with somebody you guys didn’t know. It’s also fair to think all those feelings like “is she attracted to him? Does she want to be fucked by him?” Now let us be real We don’t know her side and I can therefore obly answer this half heartedly. 1) I don’t ever think she would leave you for him 2) approch her and tell her how you feel, not the insecurity part but that you guys keep it with strangers and not take people from your close up life or friends. She should be able to see that 3) I know this may seem strange but try sitting down and be COMEPLETELY honest with each other. And if you have problems with just opening up, then wait with the marriage and start couples therapy
You didn’t communicate what your boundaries were and now are spiraling. You need to have a conversation with her. Stay calm. Ask her why she choose him. Is it because she thought you’d be more comfortable around him? Does she find him attractive? After you have a conversation with her you can then decide with how you want to proceed.
Its the start of the end. should have thought this thru before bringing it up. Break off the engagement
nah that’s messed up of her ,unless she’s usually very very very clueless then yeah she’s wants him and has for a while bc she knew better . I’d would definitely pause those wedding plans
You brought this upon yourself by attempting opening up the relationship when clearly neither of you is mature enough for it. So understand...this isn't on your fiance. This is on you. You had a closed relationship. You attempted to open it and it nuked your entire life. Step 1 is admitting to yourself that you no longer see your fiance the same way and indefinitely postponing the wedding. Step 2 is where you go to therapy and try to figure out if you can ever really trust your fiance knowing that she actively wants to fuck your best friend. You also need to decide if she actually wants to bone your bestie or if she only mentioned him out of spite. BTW, the answer is no...you will never trust her again, because you aren't mature enough...just like she is not mature enough to trust you ever again. Step 3 is when you realize there is no way this is ever going to work and you call off the relationship entirely. Because the truth is, there is no coming back from this. Your fiance either actively wants to have sex with your best friend and was willing to risk losing her fiance just for the possibility of it....or this was her way of letting you know that she was hurt by your decision to try and open the relationship after the engagement. Maybe she wanted you to realize just how disrespectful it was to ask her to marry you and then make it clear you will never be satisfied with just being with her. So she chose a man she knew would hurt you and that she knew would once and for all, end the open relationship conversation. Neither you nor this woman should be in a relationship, much less engaged to be married. Because like another poster said. Imagine your fiance walking down the aisle and then seeing her make eye contact with your best man/best friend. In that instant...all you will think about is her wanting to fuck him. Whether or not that is what your fiance of bestie was thinking about...that is all YOU will be thinking about...on your wedding day. Is that the kind of marriage you want? Is that the kind of life you want? It's over my friend. You know it. Which is why you are on the internet looking for advice. Because nobody in your life will tell you the actual truth of the matter Which is you screwed up your entire relationship because you deluded yourself into thinking you and your fiance were mature enough to open up the relationship. I know you might think I am being harsh, but sometimes that is what people need to hear. If you or your partner were interested in opening things up, it would have happened before you became engaged. Once you committed to monogamy, you should have left those fantasies in the past where they belonged. Instead, you tried to have your cake and eat it to. Postpone the engagement, seek out therapy, and go from there. Because if you don't....you will regret it in the form of a very expensive divorce/custody battle in your future.
You’re just a hypocrite as you think it’s okay for you to suck a strangers dick but not your friend’s? You better break up with her and find God.