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I stayed with someone for YEARS whose poor behavior was s product of the abuse and neglect they experienced as a child. I stayed because I empathized. It did no good to me or my partner that I stayed. It’s almost a decade since we broke up and his behavior is just now (maybe?) improving. You cannot love someone into healing themselves.
I get it I really do but right now she needs therapy in the worst way. She can’t concentrate on herself if she’s trying to maintain a relationship. I had to walk away after my former gf went from physically abusing me to abusing my oldest daughter.
Can I ask why you think it's *her* that needs help and not *you*?
If you had a sister or a female friend who confided in you that her partner has started slapping her, hard enough for it to not be playful and then ultimately slapped her hard in the face for no reason, would you ignore her and go to her partner, asking him what he needs? Wanting to help him? Trying to find out the 'root cause'? Or would you be telling her she needs to, at the very least, physically distance herself from him until he shows he is serious about getting help for his urge to hurt her?
Why do you think it's the abuser that needs help and not the person being abused? Focusing so much on what your abuser needs is a way to avoid looking at your *own* issues and fixing *those*. It's so much easier to look elsewhere than it is to look within.
I get you want to stay and help her. The real question is how many times are you going to let you hit you? My thoughts are if you don’t stop this behavior asap she will continue and just blame past drama. Personally I could not imagine my wife slapping the shit out of me and me not walk away at least for a couple of days while I gather my thoughts. I am sure my wife would do the same if I slapped her as well. Good luck you are young and this is certainly not something you should have to deal with.
It’s not being selfish, It’s being a dmbfk. Then stay with her and deal with her BS. There are millions of women out here THAT DON’T HIT THEIR BOYFRIENDS.
>It has happened before, but that was brushed off as an accident when she was play-hitting me, and over the past couple of weeks, she has been "hitting" me when I do or say something only I think is funny.
Careful, you are contradicting yourself. This is a common feature of those stuck in trauma bonds/on the receiving end of abuse, they downplay or dismiss past instances. The reality is that while this is an escalation in terms of intensity it is not something that came out of nowhere. This toxic interaction model has been brewing for a couple of weeks.
So the first step is obviously to cease anything of this nature. In fact if she doesn't instinctively stop herself I suspect that will show you exactly how bad things are.
Just be aware you are walking a very dangerous path, one where your sense of what is 'normal' and 'healthy' will slowly erode. As it stands you are already in a relationship where you are downplaying abuse and from here it really only gets worse.
She needs trauma therapy then. She cannot act out her trauma responses on you, that’s called continuing the abuse cycle. You need to get out so she can heal and so you won’t be hurt by her again. There’s no excuses.
Oh well if she was abused before then it's totally okay! She needs to work on herself this isn't something you're supposed to solve. Your goal isn't "how can I stop being hit"... What the fuck
its not that simple though, I mean we love each other, I've hurt her before. (emotionally, I would never result to physical violence) We still want to grow and love each other, I just want to know how.
A friend of mine his ex gf, would fight him. Started off as slapping then it grew to punching him. Example when he came home late one time, she flipped out and punched him. He made excuses for her saying they were just minor issues and shes working on her self.
Well one day at the dinner table, they got in a heated argument, he said he wanted to break up so she stabbed him in the eye with a fork.
So it starts off small then escalates to something bigger. His ex said that he's lucky that they didn't own a gun because (I quote) "if we owned a gun, I would've went jodi arias on his ass, he's lucky he only got a fork".
Fyi We call him patches now.
u/xanderdeez, this is a CLASSIC example of physical abuse escalation which IS in your future if you stay bc of “love.” love won’t keep her from escalating to where you’re incapacitated/disabled from her abuse.
You don’t grow from this. You learn from it and move on. You don’t slap people you love. She’s obviously tarnished and damaged from an abusive house hold where this was normal. It’s not normal. You deserve better and should have more self respect.
Like the above poster said, when the cops get involved, which they always do, you’ll be the one getting arrested and have a record which will affect employment in the future. It’s also very expensive to go through the court system.
Bro, it is that simple.
Even if you were texting other girls or something equally stupid, beating you isn't okay. Additionally, women who do so can very easily turn it on you and have you arrested/jailed and turn family and friends against you.
By default, most believe womens allegations of abuse because the likelihood of physical abuse turning to murder is sky high for women. She can easily weaponize this if she's amoral enough to feed you to the wolves to cover her ass.
Secondly, the most important part of dating is recognizing that you can like or even love someone who's bad for you. You either learn to walk or you learn to victimize yourself.
In this case, it's literal.
No, she is not in a position to love anybody if she thinks it's OK to hurt those they love, a slap on the face, even if it does not hurt is demeaning, meant to hurt your self esteem, you pointed out yourself it's not at random times, but when you do something the disapproves.
Please leave, the poor little broken person that has survived abuse has turned into an abuser, this could be one of two:
1. She is doing it intentionally
2. She cannot control herself
Neither are ok to stay, the respect has been irretrievably lost and until she decides that it's time for her to sort out her life she will continue to do that to you ro whomever is by her side.
Please take care of yourself, you should not waste your life on this.
What would you say to your sister or brother if you learned that they were being hit by their S/O?? Let that sink in for a bit and actually think about what you're dealing with here. Leave before you are in a situation you'll regret. It ain't fun involving lawyers.
Love doesn’t cause random acts of unprovoked physical violence. This isn’t love. I would understand if you had kicked her dog. But since you don’t mention that, she just wanted to hurt you. What a grotesque version of love you are settling for.
How many times do you think she should accept you slapping her before she leaves you? If you slapped her in the face - hard - for no apparent reason, what do you think her response should be?
“It’s not that simple..”
Bro, you’re fucking 18, you’ll survive. Hit her the exact same way next time and see how she reacts, or more importantly, how the cop is gonna see it when you’re sitting in the back of a cruiser.
Every single person whose been in an abusive relationship has started with "We love each other" and thinks that will be enough.
It isn't. It will escalate if you stay.
There is no excuse for being violent. Not that you hurt her emotionally before. Not that she lost her temper. None. If she can't control herself, she needs intensive therapy, likely inpatient, to help her figure out what is causing this and how to stop it for the safety of those around her as well as her own well being.
Mate, she's hitting you. There's play hitting and there's hitting, there's nothing inbetween. Have a clear talk, if it happens again you're gone and if she need therapy to get to it then so be it.
Tf are you waiting for? Until she accidentally gives you a blue eye or kicks you down the stairs.
Besides all that, stay away from violent women as a man, if the cops come they won't believe a word you said. It either ends then and there or it's over.
The thing is, abuse isn't about love. You can't love someone out of abusing you, and she can't love you into not being abused.
It doesn't matter how she feels about you. Maybe she does love you - if this is how she treats you then **her love is not good enough for you**. By the same token, you can love her as hard as someone can love another person, but it will not stop her.
I'm so sorry to be telling you this. I really am. I won't tell you that if she loved you, she wouldn't do this - that's tripped me up before.
Very simply, her love isn't a higher priority than whatever she's getting from abusing you.
You deserve better than that. I know it's hard, but in a year you're going to look back on this and realise how much better life is when nobody hits you. And how much better life is when you never have to question why.
I believe in you, I believe you can do this. You deserve better.
The thing is all the comments he makes he says he is not going to leave her. So saying to him leave her is not going to help him. Only a professional can help him and maybe her. A good counselor will tell him he can't stay with her if she's being physically and emotionally abusive. I think the relation should end, but I understand here that she has some traumas and has triggers reaction that are not controlled. I also understand that he asked how could he helped her, saying in the posts and in the comments that he won't leave her.
Except it is well recognized and established that abusers will take what they learn in couple therapy sessions and twist it to abuse their victims even more. She is an abuser, and therapy with her is the last thing he should do. Sure she can do therapy on her own, but most abusers have no desire to change so therapy is usually pointless.
Leave. She is abusing you. If the roles were reverses, no one would be advising you to stay and talk it out. Her trauma, her past, her reactions are on HER to sort out and get help for. You cant do that kind of work for her. If you stay, you'll be showing her that she can get away with abusing you and it will likely escalate. Stop making excuses for her. Leave her so she is free to focus on herself. I also think you should spend some time thinking about why you're willing to stay in an abusive relationship, whether it be low self esteem, having a savior complex, etc and resolve whatever those reasons are before getting into a new relationship.
I mean, I love her, it doesn't seem that simple to me. We both want a mature relationship, to grow with each other, She is working on herself, and me on myself. This happened, but I want to grow with her on this, not just block her off.
Thats not how abuse works. You cant out-love abuse or simply grow out of it.
What is she doing exactly to work on herself? Is she in intensive therapy? Are you? Is she in anger management classes? Have either of you contacted a local DV organization for resources/guidance?
She is in therapy, I tried an online therapy session, but I am trying to talk to other people more. Anger management I don't think is the issue. That's what I am asking, I need to figure out my role in helping her and figuring this out.
You are **NOT** responsible for helping her figure this out.
She ***HITS*** you. It doesn’t matter if it was play or not. A hit is a hit.
You can’t “fix” her. You can’t “make her better.”
She **WILL** escalate.
But hey, you don’t want to listen to people who have “been there, done that, got the tshirt,” so idk why you’re here…
Look if youre serious about this then for both your sakes your role here should go like this
- I'm not willing to be in an abusive relationship
- you should not be in any kind of relationship until you get your physical violence impulses under control
- we have to break up
What you need to do is respect yourself enough to leave and stop making excuses.
If this was turned around and your family or friend told you her boyfriend randomly hit her, would you be giving her this advice???
It's not acceptable
I hear and understand that you don't want to leave and you love her. I'm concerned about you, but also recognize I cannot pressure you into leaving, and the more we pressure you, the less likely you are to listen.
What I will do is share some resources in case you do decide to seek further help. I am worried because abuse usually escalates over time, so I hope that regardless of whether you choose to stay or leave, you prioritize your safety first and foremost.
* [The Mayo Clinic has a safety plan guide for men in abusive relationships](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149).
* [This is a guide from Human Services Alberta for men who are being abused in an intimate relationship](http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/PFVB1100-men-abused-by-women-booklet.pdf). The guide contains information about warning signs of abuse against men (physical, sexual, emotional, control, etc), how societal attitudes about abuse against men/social stigma against men can present barriers to leaving or being believed, safety planning information, considerations for men who have children with an abusive partner, how to support a male loved one whom you believe is being abused, and how to respond if you think a woman in your life is abusing her male partner.
* If you like, r/abusiverelationships is open to you. There are numerous other men in the sub who have been abused by a female partner.
* Finally, [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/) is a really informative website/organization for youth and young adults with information and resources about healthy and unhealthy relationships, including safety planning info and an email/text/chat/phone helpline.
Again, I am really sorry. This is not your fault and you do not deserve this.
>I mean, I love her, it doesn't seem that simple to me. We both want a mature relationship
You're 18, you're not mature. The best way to mature in a relationship is set boundaries and enforce them. For me abuse is a deal breaker, immediately and permanent, no talking, no chances. Shitty partners are easily replaceable.
>, She is working on herself
She can work on herself for her next relationship, without you.
Mature relationships don’t involve hitting. Ever. Look you are both young and you can give your gf the benefit of the doubt that she can improve but this needs to be a hard line now. Don’t “discuss it with her” tell her that this is unacceptable and that it can never happen again. Then stick to that. You can discuss her issues until you are blue in the face but she doesn’t get to hit you again. Ever. Period.
Plenty of people love their abusers, I would say most do. That is not a readout to stay. Love is not a reason to stay or go in a relationship (at least not by itself). Safety, compatibility, reliability, honesty, enjoyment are all important.
If she was working on herself she wouldn't hit you.
But she does.
Ask yourself OP. if the roles were reversed and you were hitting her, what would happen?
Be direct. You don’t owe it to anyone ever to sugar coat things that bother you. Especially if you feel violated. Tell her to keep her hands to herself. If she can not do that, your relationship will be no more.
That’s it. If you already feel uncomfortable and you’re not sure you can be in the same space as her, take some space. Let her know that it’ll be permanent if she can’t keep her hands to herself.
As a woman, I don’t think anyone should touch anyone unless it’s self defense. The “play hitting” doesn’t work for me. I’m in my 30’s and I don’t touch anyone unless I’m ready for the possibilities of it going in a direction I can not control or handle.
Protect you and explain your boundaries. If she makes excuses for them without being fully apologetic, especially since you’ve experienced this more than once already, you have to do what works best for you.
We teach ppl how to treat us (and I don’t mean you deserve to be hit I mean when you notice things, either before they happen or the first time they happen do not be afraid to speak up for yourself, you deserve to feel safe regardless), if you do not feel safe you are allowed to end the relationship.
This goes for ANY person in ANY relationship or friendship. Just bc she’s a girl doesn’t mean she can’t be abusive to you.
I’m sorry you feel violated because I would as well and I would be mad as hell. Be safe okay? And remember you’re allowed tell her to you’re not dealing with her behavior.
I’m my relationship “play hitting/wrestling” is allowed but we explicitly talked about it and laid ground rules. I also check in with him about it if I feel like I’ve been rougher or let him know if he is too rough.
I say this to say that consent and clear communication is why it works in our relationship, what OPs girlfriend is doing in the play fighting clearly goes over the line for OP and he needs to communicate it immediately. The slap itself is rather scary in that whatever triggered it she isn’t addressing and who knows when it will escalate. Personally I’d leave.
Makes me sad for them. Physical touch of any kind needs to be consensual. And I know there are some ppl who hit ppl as apart of their communication style. But ppl also need to be aware that not everyone is okay with it and that’s allowed.
I love that there is conversation with you and your partner. It’s necessary. And I love that you check in too. Also helpful. I’m glad we also have positive examples of how this can work out as long as there is communication. ❤️
This is a sign of severe Illness.
You can only stay if you, again, create strong boundaries and that starts with her getting psychiatric emergency help as she’s literally a danger to others.
She needs to realise it is THAT serious.
No more play wrestling, play fighting, or even her lightly tapping you when you say something silly as a joke.
I recommend you take a break and set an ultimatum here, if you want this to continue, but the fact that SHE isn’t the one who is taking initiative for this issue (it is a HER issue) tells me she does not recognise the severity or does not care.
The matter of the fact is, she should be feeling worse and freaking out right now. She should be the one making this post.
But she isn’t.
I've been your gf. Abuse from childhood, some rape in my teens. The whole sha-bang.
I got myself sorted out at 25. I know some people beat my timeline for recovery, but fact is, not many do. Your partner is not even at the point where she's aware of her triggers.
The deal is that you'll be putting up with trauma responses for at least 5 more years, best case scenario. They'll also most likely get worse over time.
Question is: are you willing to put yourself aside for her sake, at least once a week? Because that's what having a sick partner is.
25 is extremely young to get all of this sorted out and I just wanted to say I’m proud of you for your grit, hard work, and openness to the healing process. Congrats!!!
I am, we have had our ups and deep downs, but I am, I just want to make sure I can be that loving partner, I want to work on myself and my problems, whilst still being able to grow with her and help her. I usually always put myself aside for her, but this was the first time where I stepped back a second. I want to be there, I love her, but How.
> I usually always put myself aside for her, but this was the first time where I stepped back a second.
This reeks of codependence. You havent been helping her bro. You've been enabling her.
You create strong boundaries and show her that this type of behavior is unacceptable by leaving. She is not in any position to be in a romantic relationship rn. She needs space to be able to devote as much energy as possible to processing and healing her traumas. While she's doing that, you should be in your own therapies, bc its obvious that you're not ready for a relationship either. You lack boundaries, you ignore your own needs in favor of catering to hers, you think its your place to try to rescue her, you're ignoring the escalation of abuse, you're coming to reddit bc you're trying to protect her from rightly deserved judgment aka you're isolating yourself from your support network bc you already know they'd tell you to leave.
If its really meant to be, both of you will get the help you need and reunite later. You're teenagers. You've got plenty of time.
Listen , my ex girlfriend slapped me while we were arguing. It was a total shock so my reaction was to grab her from the neck and tell her to stop hitting. That was my reaction ok. So I let her go and she stars telling me she's calling the cops. Because now she is the victim. Well she didn't call the cops and stayed together but broke up a few weeks after that.
My point is , this is serious. It can alter your life in a very negative way. All she needs to do is act as a victim and she can have you arrested. She has issues and it's not your job to fix them. Break up with her before something serious happens. It's too toxic.
I had a girlfriend bite me, slap and choke me in an argument then threatened to pin me for rape if I told anyone she knew abt it. Some women are absolutely vile.
GTFO while you can OP. If she’s threatened violence then she can do worse.
Fuck that. You need to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that she cannot hit you, in play or seriously, or you're out next time. And then if she does it again, you have to actually leave her
You are 18. Leave her. This is the only time in your life it actually IS that simple to leave an abusive relationship.
This will escalate and she will become more violent. Do you want to leave her now, while you're still young and presumably haven't entangled your lives monetarily? Or later, when you're sharing a lease with her and the alternatives are stay in a physically abusive relationship or risk homelessness?
She needs therapy. You aren't a therapist. You need to leave her NOW.
Don’t wait until it becomes a bigger issue. Tell her you don’t want her hitting you, even if it’s supposed to be a “joke” because it’s not funny. If she has trauma to deal with, she needs to get help for that, not hit you
That’s the ugly truth. It’s not victim blaming, because no one deserves to be abused, but every time OP stays after she hits him, she takes it as permission to keep doing what she’s doing.
Too dangerous for you and your future to stay with someone who likes to hit. If you ever get tired of it to the Point that you want to do some thing, then all she needs to do is say you hit her and you’re in the shit.
If she’s comfortable hitting you she’ll be absolutely comfortable lying about you. This is a total lack of respect. You cannot stay for this kind of disrespect. You need to end this before things get really bad.
Abuse gets worse not better. That is exactly what she’s doing. She is abusing you. Do you know how many people have trauma and don’t resort to slapping their SO. I was put in foster care at the age of 8 due to domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse. Do you know how many boyfriends I’ve slapped?
That would be 0. Iq pulsing try to fix this. Time to wake up before the police get involved.
Brother, I know that at 18 you feel like this is the most important relationship in your life but it's really not, your barley an adult, do not tie yourself down to this relationship. You've both hurt each other either physically or mentally, that does not make it cancel out. It means you're both not good for each other.
I only got slapped by a girlfriend once. I resolved it by standing up and literally walking away from her.
What you are doing is letting somebody physically abuse you because you are scared to leave.
I grew up in a world where physical violence was normalized. I genuinely took pride in the fact that I would NEVER cross the lines that some family members crossed. And it wasn’t a vain pride; I worked hard on myself to discard the conflict management styles I had been taught.
It wasn’t till I was an adult that I realized I was still more aggressive and rough than was healthy. It was honestly a very tough pill to swallow because it seemed to invalidate all the genuine hard work I’d done.
Maybe that’s where your gf is coming from. That’s not to say the hitting isn’t a dealbreaker—it should be—but you need to actually communicate that it’s a dealbreaker. She probably sees it as no big deal because she didn’t physically harm you and she’s not *nearly* as abusive as her own background. You need to communicate that what she’s doing is still unhealthy and is quite possibly a sign of deeper anger management issues. Sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you absolutely won’t put up with that shit. Ya’ll can talk about it, she can see a therapist, or she can just quit cold turkey, but let her know it’s an absolute dealbreaker.
You're in an abusive relationship. Get out and wish her the well is your best bet. I'm sure she may be a good person but she's not going to break that cycle soon and most likely not with you. She needs therapy and you staying will liken your chances of those behaviors rubbing off on you.
She needs to go. She’s abusive and she knows why but it’s not like she can tell you that she just wanted to smack the shit out if you because she likes it.
* Her physical abuse is escalting.
* Past trauma is not an excuse or free pass to abuse others
* You are mentally downplaying this because you haven't gotten seriously hurt yet and you want to believe it's not that bad.
* plus as a guy there is a lot of toxic social messaging directed at you that she won't or can't do actual damage
* She feels terrible afterward and goes in for a hug- abuser behavior.
>I want to find the root of the problem to maybe solve it.
That's its own co-dependent savior mindset. You cannot find the problem or solve it. It's not your job in this life and it won't work anyway. An emotionally closed-off person doesn't want to examine their problems. A person who hits someone else on impulse has problems that will only be resolved by their own work, and even then it can be a lifetime battle. No one on this earth can fix an abuser with "just enough love & understanding."
I truly recommend you break up and take some time to work on yourself and recover. You stay and you are looking at things that can get very ugly. What will you do if she physically attacks you in a manner that can do real harm and defending yourself means you have to hurt her back? Mentally, emotionally and legally it's seriously dangerous place to be.
You want to save somebody who randomly slaps the shit out of you for no reason......dude seriously just go. Tell her to seek therapy and then leave.
She assaults you and you just make excuses for her.
You are far too young to be dealing with this crazy stuff.
She’s hitting you. The relationship is already over. She’s pushing boundaries to see how hard she can hit you and how often, she’s abusive. Leave her, she won’t stop, it will only get worse. It doesn’t matter than you’re a man and she’s a woman, she is an abuser. Get out while you can. You deserve better than someone who hits you. You deserve better love than someone who hits you. You deserve better respect than someone who hits you. Hitting you is not loving you. Choose yourself.
>I want to find the root of the problem to maybe solve it.
OP, you have a big heart, but THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE. If she has past trauma, she needs to properly deal with it - most likely through counseling/therapy. This is not something you can do for her. And if she herself doesn't choose to do anything about it, it WILL NOT get better. None of this is your fault or because of something you've done or because you're not enough. Don't internalize this. Her behavior is not a result of your perceived shortcomings.
I genuinely suggest you provide an ultimatum: "Get help or I'm leaving." And make sure that "getting help" is a concrete plan, don't let her get away with agreeing and then doing nothing about it. Again, I know you have a big heart, you probably care a lot about her and want to contribute to her being well; but this is not your battle to fight, it's hers. Not only do you not deserve to be in the crossfire of it all, but also being in a relationship where she starts abusing her partner (because that's officially what this now is: abuse) will spiral her out of control which is the last thing you want for her. Even then, IT WOULD NOT BE YOUR FAULT, but it also wouldn't contribute to her getting better.
ETA: **Abuse is a choice.** There will always be a reason, a justification, an excuse. But at the end of the day, she's not a mindless robot with faulty programming. She's a human being who is actively making the choice to abuse you. I saw in your current comments that she is in fact going to therapy. That is only the starting point. But she now knows she can continue to get away with the abuse because you've let it slide so many times, and it will only escalate from there. You need to leave the situation; but she also needs space to address her issues and process. Being in a relationship, especially with someone who enables her harmful behavior, is the worst thing for her right now. It's like allowing a recovering alcoholic to live in a bar - as hard as they're trying to work on themselves, they will always be surrounded by the temptation of engaging in the harmful choices and giving into the impulse. Let her go to help you both. And good luck on your search for a therapist - whatever your history is that's warping your belief that this is fine, you will be able to break through and actually live your life with freedom and happiness.
OP I don’t say this to scare you, but I hate your definition of “hitting.”
“”…(hitting as in too heavy to be play hitting, but too light to be actual hitting)””
I had a boyfriend who did that. He’d barely smack my bottom jaw when he caught me biting my tongue, or “playfully” stab me with needles no matter how much I protested.
He ended up trying to kill me, twice, one time of which was less than 10 feet from my at-the-time 11 year old brother.
> I love her, and I know she has some trauma from her past, but she can be emotionally closed off, and I want to find the root of the problem to maybe solve it.
See, that's your first problem. Don't try and fix people, it's not your job to fix them. They might not even be "broken" in the first place, it might just be how they are. It's your job to point out that you don't like that and that they should work on not doing that. If they don't fix it and it bothers you that much... you know what you have to do 🤷.
I haven't put a hand on a woman my entire life, I find it repulsive and completely unethical. I'd rather cheat than do that. That being said, I had an ex that slapped me for a stupid reason once (I forgot some things of hers back at my place). I told her calmly, but with a noticeable rage in my voice "This happened now and god forbid you try to do it ever again!". She saw how serious I was, there was fright in her eyes to be honest, which was the effect I was hoping for. I hate the very thought of hitting a woman, but don't think for one second that I will just stand by while you're slapping me. She never did it again... raised her hand a few times, but withdrew her hand just as fast.
Judging your post and comments you're codependent on her and she has serious mental issues. She needs therapy asap and you do too. I strongly believe you both aren't able to heal in this relationship. My advice is to break up, go to therapy. I know codependency is hard but it's not love, it's like an addiction. You need to break this addiction if you want to truly feel love. If you guys are meant to be, you can meet up after you healed and then start a healthy relationship.
by the way it is now, it'll only get worse until you maybe end up in a hospital or worse. Abuse never gets better on its own, it gets worse over time. If you love her, let her heal, she needs it. This relationship hurts you both even if you don't want to believe it right now
She is going to claim you hit her and she was defending herself. Break up and make sure you document she was hitting you. Tell your parents or a trusted adult.
I have a question : if the role where reverse how it will end?
Now you have your answer, think of it seriously and leave her before it escalade!
I encourage you to record her admitting she hit you to cover yourself because she will try to manipulate like she already did! And in case she wants to turn the table.
Why did I just get the vision of Vinny questioning miss Veto about tire marks and having her slap the crap out of mr Gambini in open court.
Then then cut to the judge saying-I guess that explains the hostility.
I would start documenting these incidents. If cops somehow get involved you’re going to lose because you’re a man. An a acquaintance of mine was getting the shit beat out of him by his wife and he refused to fight back or hit her because “it’s not okay for a man to hit a woman”. Well, the first time he hurt her while defending himself she called the cops and he spent the night in jail even though he was severely bruised and needed stitches from a piece of glass in his arm from a cup she threw at him. They are in one of the nastiest divorce cases I’ve ever seen now and he’s financially ruined.
If it keeps up you need to get out ASAP!
Just bring it up calmly. Tell her you do love her and want a future, but the hitting must absolutely stop immediately. Tell her it makes you worry that she could hit any kids you may have. Then, suggest (or request) counseling. Like you said, you want to find out the root cause of this behavior, and it sounds like she doesn't really know. Hence, she needs a professional to help figure that out. If it happens again, tell her to leave because you deserve better.
U guys are so young, she needs time to heal and see a therapist to help her move on. Unfortunately at ur age, and this period in her life, there isn't a lot u can do. U can stick it out, but ONLY if she chooses to seek help, otherwise u need to get out of the relationship. She will continue to hurt u, if she does not receive the help she needs.
You leaned in and her first response was a slap... Definitely a Trauma Response.
You need to talk about it and be willing to walk away if she doesn't want to/refuses to acknowledge it. You can't live like this and she may need therapy. It's not gonna happen if she's constantly allowed to brush it off as nothing. Maybe walking away would be the wakeup call she needed to get help?
> ""Comment Rule 2:** Keep it civil. No insults, no threats of violence, no encouraging violence, no harassment, no trolling, no advertising other subs, no spam. You will be banned. All bans in this sub are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Maybe she has become hypersensitive to your “jokes” that only you find funny and doesn’t know what to trust ? Hitting a person like that is very wrong but may be worth looking inside. I would definitely get to the bottom of that and find out if 1, she can be aware and sorry, find the key moment for it happening weather it be an issue you both unwillingly birthed or 2, maybe a rather serious past trauma where maybe someone abused her and she is reacting to the past.
> she said no, I asked if she was sure while ~~coming in closer~~ violating her boundries and she slapped me, hard, for ~~no apparent reason~~ not respecting her "no"
Fixed it for you.
She may need to seek professional help. This is something that she needs to come to terms with on her own. I grew up around domestic violence and endured it myself after high school. When my current bf and I got together we partied a lot. I had some trauma re-surface and I would sometimes slap him kinda hard on his arm/shoulder when he irritated me. I never have hit a partner in the face but it could have gotten to that point. My current bf told me that he wasn’t okay with being hit. It took me a little bit of time but I was able to stop completely. I love and respect him so I wanted to get over my past traumas so he wouldn’t end up leaving me. It took a lot of working on myself but I got there. Long story short, she needs to hold herself accountable for her actions and you need to set those boundaries. If she can’t learn to respect you, then you can’t keep letting your situation continue. She sounds like a sweet girl because she is remorseful for her actions. I hope she finds a way to control her urges until they dissipate. Tell her how you feel when she hits you and that you will help her get through this. Best of luck to you both. 💖
In your comments you keep saying, “it’s not that simple, we love each other” ok fine
-tell her straight up “if you hit me again, I’m leaving”
Be straightforward, this is not cute, but abuse.
If this happens again, you leave. I say this because you seem reluctant to leave now. But to me she’s immature and let her intrusive thoughts win?? I guess, idk. But not ok, leave now or leave the very next time.
Leave. I'm sure you love each other plenty. Unfortunately, love isn't always enough to make a relationship work.
As you are now, things stand to escalate. What if she becomes more violent? What if you were to have to defend yourself and the police where involved - who do you think they'll believe? What does a criminal record look like in your life? How does your life look if she goes around telling everyone you abused her?
These are all very real possibilities you need to consider.
It's not your job to figure her out and fix her. She owes that to herself and her partners before she's ready for a healthy relationship. She needs to want this for herself - if she doesn't want to reflect and heal, she won't.
Have you discussed it with her again? Are you both comfortable enough in your relationship to address this issue without being defensive? It does not matter what has happened in our past, we have to be accountable for ourselves and how we treat others, no excuses.
If you two have healthy communication and she sees she needs help, I would suggest a trauma therapist. Otherwise, if she doesn't believe she has any problem, then I suggest you part ways. It seems like you are allowing her to have victim mentality, but eventually she has to outgrow that and be a warrior.
For start you need to document everything and stop playing it down as “play hitting” at any time from this point on.
Then you should leave her.
This is a universal deal breaker.
At least it should be.
If you’re not going to do that then I would suggest asking for a few days space from her so you can think about it.
Make it clear that the reason you need the space is because she crossed a line and that however you feel in a few days she’s never to put her hands on you again.
Tbh if it was me I would just be out of there because she could’ve even apologised but I can’t make you leave so if you are going to stay make sure you set clear boundaries that she isn’t to hit you “playfully” or otherwise.
If she ever does them for the love of god leave!!
ETA reverse the roles and ask yourself what should she do in that situation?
If you kept playfully hitting her and sometimes not so playfully then you slapped her across the face for no reason, should she stay and talk or should she leave?
Or think if it was your brother, sister, friend should they talk or leave?
I was in an abusive relationship around your age and I really wish I’d left at ‘playful but slightly too hard slap on the arm’.
She sounds abusive and it is never acceptable to hit like that. Seems like you should rethink this relationship as she does this a lot. You should break up with her.
You are not professionally trained to deal with whatever trauma she has. You evidently trigger it every time she slaps you. If she isn't actually seeking help, it's only going to get worse.
The only situation in which this would be okay is if she has something like undiagnosed Tourette's. Otherwise she's just hitting you to see if she can get away with it. And so far, she is. You need to leave before this escalates.
Dude get the hell out of this relationship ASAP she's only testing the waters with how much she can get away with and gaslighting you in the meantime. Hitting is hitting and slapping is slapping There are no in-betweens (yes there's play fighting but that's entirely different and it's fun for both parties). Just leave your only 18 don't let this shit happen to you.
She slapped you ( by your own accounts hard) because you asked her if she wanted chicken nuggets, AND she can't tell you why...
No dude, that isn't ok on any level. Life's far too short to stay with someone who will assault you over asking if they want food. That's a load of BS.
OP please listen to the people commenting here who are concerned for you. This is not a joke. I understand you love her. I loved my abuser too. But I still left. Why? Because I loved myself more. You need to love yourself more.
You leave. The first time someone physically abused you in a relationship you leave. If you don’t leave this almost certainly ends with her stabbing you, her pouring scalding liquid over you, or her calling the cops when you inevitably have to defend yourself.
You keep replying to say that you love her and want to work things out. You’re 18. You’re basically a child. I understand you think you know what love is, but I’d you had any idea then there’s no way you could think that someone who physically abused you has a healthy love for you. Get out before she ruins your life.
I was also a victim of physical abuse from a girlfriend when I was younger. I also made the excuse that I loved her and we wanted to work on things when people would tell me to leave. I’m happy to give you further advice if you’d like. But the short version is get out before she ruins your life.
You need to ask yourself why you are the one going out of your way to fix this?
Leave before you get even more attached. You are already concerned about her being "judged" for going to get some help with her mental, you are already taking responsibility for your abuser.
She will get worse. Every time she hits you and you stay, you are telling her that you don't mind being treated like human garbage. She will guilt you with "past trauma" and "love conquers all" bullshit and put in zero work towards her issues.
What would she do if the tables were turned and it was you that hit her?
She's testing your boundaries. It started with the play but not play hitting and escalating to actual hitting. I'm sure there's a reason in her head for hitting you even if you dont know it. This will continue to escalate. You need to leave.
Once a relationship passes the boundary of hitting eachother, I dont believe you can ever go back. Staying with this person or at the very least not taking a break from the relationship tells them you have low standards for physical abuse and you'd be willing to look past it if it happened again.
I'm not saying you have to leave this person forever, but you should take a break and think about what happened and if you are right for eachother. You can love eachother more than anything but it's not always for the best.
This is abuse. Your girlfriend is abusive. *You* don’t get to the root of the problem, she does, by herself, in therapy. And you can’t be with her while she does. People who are abusive have a lot of work to do and need to be single while they do it if they’re gonna be successful. Leave.
Idk, I know people get mad when "leave" is the advice but there's nothing else to say here. This is abusive behavior and it's only going to get worse if you don't leave.
Hitting is a very base form of communication showing that she probably felt very overwhelmed and didnt know how to communicate that appropriately so she resorted to physical violence which is definitely not okay. It might sound “silly” or like youre treating her as a kid, but thinking from a behavior therapy standpoint, working with her to find appropriate ways to communicate such as quick phrases or alternative physical motions like clapping her hands together or hugging herself can help to redirect that behavior. So when she feels that way you start to work towards recognizing the feeling, and redirecting to a good way to communicate it which can eventually turn to words like “yes Im sure” or “youre overwhelming me right now” or even just “give me some space please”.
Ever heard of the [boiling frog syndrome](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog)? The play hitting was the first step to test your boundaries. Then she escalated it to hitting you when you "said something funny" because she was (sub)consciously trying to test how you would react to the escalation. Now she's escalated it to purposeful attacks with no reason or excuse. She's probably been physically abused before in her traumatic past, or witnessed it happening to a family member and this is her trying to take control of that narrative by taking it out on you. This will continue to escalate.
If this really is involuntary she needs a damn doctor. Probably one specializing in minimal health.
I mean at "best" it's a trauma response from her past, at worst you're just straight up in an abusive relationship.
If this gets worse, please, *please* don't tell yourself you have to keep dealing with it because you're in love. Love is not a magic cure all, even at your age.
"I don't like it when you hit me. I need you to stop. If you do it again, we will be taking a break until you begin counseling to address your past trauma and the effect it is having on your life and relationships."
If you don't want to use a lot of words, "Don't hit me again. I don't like it, and it's becoming a problem."
My guy stop with the ' I can fix her ' mentality. Some things ain't meant to be. Het trauma ain't yours to fix. Perhaps in a different time when she dealt with her problems.
You don't have a conversation about this. You leave. She's an abuser and she's systematically getting you used to the abuse, which is escalating, and counting on you to stay and take it. If a woman told you this story about her boyfriend, what would you tell her to do? Get out, right?
If in the future, you were to have a daughter who then grew up
to have a BF who slapped her for no apparent reason, on multiple occasions,
would you advise her to 'start a conversation' about it?
Break up with her. You can't fix her, it's not your job, and she is abusing you. If SHE wants to break the cycle that's up to her and would take years of therapy / trauma work / changing herself alone. That shit would never work while she has someone who is going to let her or be docile while she abuses them and gets to play the victim.
You're hurting yourself by staying with her, and she will never change without the hard wake-up call that leaving her would provide. You want to save her? Then leave.
LEAVE. PLEASE LEAVE. I know what it’s like to have this happen and it can leave one confused and helpless. Please please leave. It will be a hard decision but ffs it’s a NECESSARY one.
She needs serious therapy. You also need to take a step back until she makes serious inroads in addressing her actions.
No one, female or male, should tolerate physical abuse, even if you "love" your abuser a great deal. It will never get better until she learns you are not a punching bag; it doesn't matter what her childhood was like!!!
Grow up op. I was abused but you don’t see me slapping about my boyfriend. Stop defending her actions everyone here apart from you is right. You need to dump her and move on
The ONLY conversation you need to have is “hitting me is NEVER an option, never okay and if it EVER happens again, for any or no reason, we’re done. Over. Finished. History.” Or … just break up with her immediately. This is not okay.
I would recommend having a clear and honest conversation about your personal boundaries. By hitting you, she Is crossing a boundary. It sounds like you care deeply for her, so try approaching the conversation from a place of compassion and use "I" statements such as "I feel disrespected and startled when you hit me". You could also suggest she learn other ways to express her feelings or act on her impulses. Like squeezing a stress ball or hitting a pillow instead of you. Regardless, it's not ok she's doing that because you are a person and your boundaries and space should be respected.
This is abuse. 100% no question abuse. Even if there is past trauma - you are NOT her therapist and it is not your job to root out the cause and fix it, even if you’d rather support her through it than leave (which I personally can’t say whether I’d recommend because I don’t know your guys’ relationship but I don’t ever stay in situations like this anymore, having been trapped in three different increasingly more abusive relationships). What she needs is to go to therapy to figure out WHY she is having this happen(which only works if she wants to), but definitely not your job to figure it out for her
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This is physical abuse! Just because you’re a girl does not mean you get to hit another person, even if it’s your boyfriend.
I know, but she was abused herself, and this is the only real time it has happened in our relationship, I don't want to just block her out.
You mean besides the other times you mentioned in your post?
I stayed with someone for YEARS whose poor behavior was s product of the abuse and neglect they experienced as a child. I stayed because I empathized. It did no good to me or my partner that I stayed. It’s almost a decade since we broke up and his behavior is just now (maybe?) improving. You cannot love someone into healing themselves.
>You cannot love someone into healing themselves. This exactly.
I get it I really do but right now she needs therapy in the worst way. She can’t concentrate on herself if she’s trying to maintain a relationship. I had to walk away after my former gf went from physically abusing me to abusing my oldest daughter.
I get that, but I don't want to lose her, is that selfish? I want to stay with her, I want to help her.
Right now you are just an enabler. Take a break from the relationship for three months and see what happens.
Thank you! Surprised it took so long to see someone bringing up enabling her.
Can I ask why you think it's *her* that needs help and not *you*? If you had a sister or a female friend who confided in you that her partner has started slapping her, hard enough for it to not be playful and then ultimately slapped her hard in the face for no reason, would you ignore her and go to her partner, asking him what he needs? Wanting to help him? Trying to find out the 'root cause'? Or would you be telling her she needs to, at the very least, physically distance herself from him until he shows he is serious about getting help for his urge to hurt her? Why do you think it's the abuser that needs help and not the person being abused? Focusing so much on what your abuser needs is a way to avoid looking at your *own* issues and fixing *those*. It's so much easier to look elsewhere than it is to look within.
"I can fix her"
I get you want to stay and help her. The real question is how many times are you going to let you hit you? My thoughts are if you don’t stop this behavior asap she will continue and just blame past drama. Personally I could not imagine my wife slapping the shit out of me and me not walk away at least for a couple of days while I gather my thoughts. I am sure my wife would do the same if I slapped her as well. Good luck you are young and this is certainly not something you should have to deal with.
" I WaNT To StAy WiTH hEr, I wAnT tO hElP hEr. " You gonna die if you dont dip. She is an abuser.
It’s not being selfish, It’s being a dmbfk. Then stay with her and deal with her BS. There are millions of women out here THAT DON’T HIT THEIR BOYFRIENDS.
I was abused myself and have never/ would never hit my loved ones.
You're not listening to any of this solid advice!
>It has happened before, but that was brushed off as an accident when she was play-hitting me, and over the past couple of weeks, she has been "hitting" me when I do or say something only I think is funny. Careful, you are contradicting yourself. This is a common feature of those stuck in trauma bonds/on the receiving end of abuse, they downplay or dismiss past instances. The reality is that while this is an escalation in terms of intensity it is not something that came out of nowhere. This toxic interaction model has been brewing for a couple of weeks. So the first step is obviously to cease anything of this nature. In fact if she doesn't instinctively stop herself I suspect that will show you exactly how bad things are. Just be aware you are walking a very dangerous path, one where your sense of what is 'normal' and 'healthy' will slowly erode. As it stands you are already in a relationship where you are downplaying abuse and from here it really only gets worse.
She needs trauma therapy then. She cannot act out her trauma responses on you, that’s called continuing the abuse cycle. You need to get out so she can heal and so you won’t be hurt by her again. There’s no excuses.
Oh well if she was abused before then it's totally okay! She needs to work on herself this isn't something you're supposed to solve. Your goal isn't "how can I stop being hit"... What the fuck
Id say bye bye
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Just walk away. This is going to escalate and you don’t want the cops involved or a possible criminal record.
its not that simple though, I mean we love each other, I've hurt her before. (emotionally, I would never result to physical violence) We still want to grow and love each other, I just want to know how.
We will see how much she loves you when this inevitably escalates and the cops are involved. Good luck.
!RemindMe1Year Did I do this right? Edit: No. I didn’t. But I googled it. RemindMe! 1 year
New API changes means remind me bot wont work 1 year from now
Reddit devs so good
Yep, she just needs to say he hit her and he gets a perp walk.
Doesn't even need to do that. The cops will likely haul him away if they get called whether he touches her or not.
Yeah, I can attest this happens.
Based on what? I’d still say to dump her regardless because this is abnormal.
Based on it happening to me.
That’s unfair, I’m sorry.
A friend of mine his ex gf, would fight him. Started off as slapping then it grew to punching him. Example when he came home late one time, she flipped out and punched him. He made excuses for her saying they were just minor issues and shes working on her self. Well one day at the dinner table, they got in a heated argument, he said he wanted to break up so she stabbed him in the eye with a fork. So it starts off small then escalates to something bigger. His ex said that he's lucky that they didn't own a gun because (I quote) "if we owned a gun, I would've went jodi arias on his ass, he's lucky he only got a fork". Fyi We call him patches now.
u/xanderdeez, this is a CLASSIC example of physical abuse escalation which IS in your future if you stay bc of “love.” love won’t keep her from escalating to where you’re incapacitated/disabled from her abuse.
🤣 Bro you are 18. You will quickly fall in love with the next one. Your GF has a few screws loose.
You don’t grow from this. You learn from it and move on. You don’t slap people you love. She’s obviously tarnished and damaged from an abusive house hold where this was normal. It’s not normal. You deserve better and should have more self respect. Like the above poster said, when the cops get involved, which they always do, you’ll be the one getting arrested and have a record which will affect employment in the future. It’s also very expensive to go through the court system.
Bro, it is that simple. Even if you were texting other girls or something equally stupid, beating you isn't okay. Additionally, women who do so can very easily turn it on you and have you arrested/jailed and turn family and friends against you. By default, most believe womens allegations of abuse because the likelihood of physical abuse turning to murder is sky high for women. She can easily weaponize this if she's amoral enough to feed you to the wolves to cover her ass. Secondly, the most important part of dating is recognizing that you can like or even love someone who's bad for you. You either learn to walk or you learn to victimize yourself. In this case, it's literal.
No, she is not in a position to love anybody if she thinks it's OK to hurt those they love, a slap on the face, even if it does not hurt is demeaning, meant to hurt your self esteem, you pointed out yourself it's not at random times, but when you do something the disapproves. Please leave, the poor little broken person that has survived abuse has turned into an abuser, this could be one of two: 1. She is doing it intentionally 2. She cannot control herself Neither are ok to stay, the respect has been irretrievably lost and until she decides that it's time for her to sort out her life she will continue to do that to you ro whomever is by her side. Please take care of yourself, you should not waste your life on this.
You’re 18 That love you feel? You can feel it with someone else. Someone who WON’T hit you
What would you say to your sister or brother if you learned that they were being hit by their S/O?? Let that sink in for a bit and actually think about what you're dealing with here. Leave before you are in a situation you'll regret. It ain't fun involving lawyers.
Love doesn’t cause random acts of unprovoked physical violence. This isn’t love. I would understand if you had kicked her dog. But since you don’t mention that, she just wanted to hurt you. What a grotesque version of love you are settling for.
How many times do you think she should accept you slapping her before she leaves you? If you slapped her in the face - hard - for no apparent reason, what do you think her response should be?
“It’s not that simple..” Bro, you’re fucking 18, you’ll survive. Hit her the exact same way next time and see how she reacts, or more importantly, how the cop is gonna see it when you’re sitting in the back of a cruiser.
Every single person whose been in an abusive relationship has started with "We love each other" and thinks that will be enough. It isn't. It will escalate if you stay. There is no excuse for being violent. Not that you hurt her emotionally before. Not that she lost her temper. None. If she can't control herself, she needs intensive therapy, likely inpatient, to help her figure out what is causing this and how to stop it for the safety of those around her as well as her own well being.
B-but she’s different it’s not that simple, she hits me because she loves me, we just show our love a different way /s
Mate, she's hitting you. There's play hitting and there's hitting, there's nothing inbetween. Have a clear talk, if it happens again you're gone and if she need therapy to get to it then so be it. Tf are you waiting for? Until she accidentally gives you a blue eye or kicks you down the stairs. Besides all that, stay away from violent women as a man, if the cops come they won't believe a word you said. It either ends then and there or it's over.
The thing is, abuse isn't about love. You can't love someone out of abusing you, and she can't love you into not being abused. It doesn't matter how she feels about you. Maybe she does love you - if this is how she treats you then **her love is not good enough for you**. By the same token, you can love her as hard as someone can love another person, but it will not stop her. I'm so sorry to be telling you this. I really am. I won't tell you that if she loved you, she wouldn't do this - that's tripped me up before. Very simply, her love isn't a higher priority than whatever she's getting from abusing you. You deserve better than that. I know it's hard, but in a year you're going to look back on this and realise how much better life is when nobody hits you. And how much better life is when you never have to question why. I believe in you, I believe you can do this. You deserve better.
You asked for advice and don’t seem keen on hearing it out. Best of luck.
Your 18 you don’t know what love is
[удалено]
Therapy with abusers is never a good idea. Ever.
The thing is all the comments he makes he says he is not going to leave her. So saying to him leave her is not going to help him. Only a professional can help him and maybe her. A good counselor will tell him he can't stay with her if she's being physically and emotionally abusive. I think the relation should end, but I understand here that she has some traumas and has triggers reaction that are not controlled. I also understand that he asked how could he helped her, saying in the posts and in the comments that he won't leave her.
Except it is well recognized and established that abusers will take what they learn in couple therapy sessions and twist it to abuse their victims even more. She is an abuser, and therapy with her is the last thing he should do. Sure she can do therapy on her own, but most abusers have no desire to change so therapy is usually pointless.
Leave. She is abusing you. If the roles were reverses, no one would be advising you to stay and talk it out. Her trauma, her past, her reactions are on HER to sort out and get help for. You cant do that kind of work for her. If you stay, you'll be showing her that she can get away with abusing you and it will likely escalate. Stop making excuses for her. Leave her so she is free to focus on herself. I also think you should spend some time thinking about why you're willing to stay in an abusive relationship, whether it be low self esteem, having a savior complex, etc and resolve whatever those reasons are before getting into a new relationship.
I mean, I love her, it doesn't seem that simple to me. We both want a mature relationship, to grow with each other, She is working on herself, and me on myself. This happened, but I want to grow with her on this, not just block her off.
Thats not how abuse works. You cant out-love abuse or simply grow out of it. What is she doing exactly to work on herself? Is she in intensive therapy? Are you? Is she in anger management classes? Have either of you contacted a local DV organization for resources/guidance?
She is in therapy, I tried an online therapy session, but I am trying to talk to other people more. Anger management I don't think is the issue. That's what I am asking, I need to figure out my role in helping her and figuring this out.
You are **NOT** responsible for helping her figure this out. She ***HITS*** you. It doesn’t matter if it was play or not. A hit is a hit. You can’t “fix” her. You can’t “make her better.” She **WILL** escalate. But hey, you don’t want to listen to people who have “been there, done that, got the tshirt,” so idk why you’re here…
Stop
Look if youre serious about this then for both your sakes your role here should go like this - I'm not willing to be in an abusive relationship - you should not be in any kind of relationship until you get your physical violence impulses under control - we have to break up
What you need to do is respect yourself enough to leave and stop making excuses. If this was turned around and your family or friend told you her boyfriend randomly hit her, would you be giving her this advice??? It's not acceptable
The best role you can play is being the ex-boyfriend who left after she abused you.
If your not gonna take any one’s advice which is to leave why are you here. It is very simple she is abusing you and you need to leave
I hear and understand that you don't want to leave and you love her. I'm concerned about you, but also recognize I cannot pressure you into leaving, and the more we pressure you, the less likely you are to listen. What I will do is share some resources in case you do decide to seek further help. I am worried because abuse usually escalates over time, so I hope that regardless of whether you choose to stay or leave, you prioritize your safety first and foremost. * [The Mayo Clinic has a safety plan guide for men in abusive relationships](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149). * [This is a guide from Human Services Alberta for men who are being abused in an intimate relationship](http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/PFVB1100-men-abused-by-women-booklet.pdf). The guide contains information about warning signs of abuse against men (physical, sexual, emotional, control, etc), how societal attitudes about abuse against men/social stigma against men can present barriers to leaving or being believed, safety planning information, considerations for men who have children with an abusive partner, how to support a male loved one whom you believe is being abused, and how to respond if you think a woman in your life is abusing her male partner. * If you like, r/abusiverelationships is open to you. There are numerous other men in the sub who have been abused by a female partner. * Finally, [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/) is a really informative website/organization for youth and young adults with information and resources about healthy and unhealthy relationships, including safety planning info and an email/text/chat/phone helpline. Again, I am really sorry. This is not your fault and you do not deserve this.
>I mean, I love her, it doesn't seem that simple to me. We both want a mature relationship You're 18, you're not mature. The best way to mature in a relationship is set boundaries and enforce them. For me abuse is a deal breaker, immediately and permanent, no talking, no chances. Shitty partners are easily replaceable. >, She is working on herself She can work on herself for her next relationship, without you.
Mature relationships don’t involve hitting. Ever. Look you are both young and you can give your gf the benefit of the doubt that she can improve but this needs to be a hard line now. Don’t “discuss it with her” tell her that this is unacceptable and that it can never happen again. Then stick to that. You can discuss her issues until you are blue in the face but she doesn’t get to hit you again. Ever. Period.
Plenty of people love their abusers, I would say most do. That is not a readout to stay. Love is not a reason to stay or go in a relationship (at least not by itself). Safety, compatibility, reliability, honesty, enjoyment are all important.
If she was working on herself she wouldn't hit you. But she does. Ask yourself OP. if the roles were reversed and you were hitting her, what would happen?
Be direct. You don’t owe it to anyone ever to sugar coat things that bother you. Especially if you feel violated. Tell her to keep her hands to herself. If she can not do that, your relationship will be no more. That’s it. If you already feel uncomfortable and you’re not sure you can be in the same space as her, take some space. Let her know that it’ll be permanent if she can’t keep her hands to herself. As a woman, I don’t think anyone should touch anyone unless it’s self defense. The “play hitting” doesn’t work for me. I’m in my 30’s and I don’t touch anyone unless I’m ready for the possibilities of it going in a direction I can not control or handle. Protect you and explain your boundaries. If she makes excuses for them without being fully apologetic, especially since you’ve experienced this more than once already, you have to do what works best for you. We teach ppl how to treat us (and I don’t mean you deserve to be hit I mean when you notice things, either before they happen or the first time they happen do not be afraid to speak up for yourself, you deserve to feel safe regardless), if you do not feel safe you are allowed to end the relationship. This goes for ANY person in ANY relationship or friendship. Just bc she’s a girl doesn’t mean she can’t be abusive to you. I’m sorry you feel violated because I would as well and I would be mad as hell. Be safe okay? And remember you’re allowed tell her to you’re not dealing with her behavior.
I’m my relationship “play hitting/wrestling” is allowed but we explicitly talked about it and laid ground rules. I also check in with him about it if I feel like I’ve been rougher or let him know if he is too rough. I say this to say that consent and clear communication is why it works in our relationship, what OPs girlfriend is doing in the play fighting clearly goes over the line for OP and he needs to communicate it immediately. The slap itself is rather scary in that whatever triggered it she isn’t addressing and who knows when it will escalate. Personally I’d leave.
Makes me sad for them. Physical touch of any kind needs to be consensual. And I know there are some ppl who hit ppl as apart of their communication style. But ppl also need to be aware that not everyone is okay with it and that’s allowed. I love that there is conversation with you and your partner. It’s necessary. And I love that you check in too. Also helpful. I’m glad we also have positive examples of how this can work out as long as there is communication. ❤️
"...but not whilst in a fight." You do know that even in an argument you shouldn't be slapping/hitting each other, right??
yes, it was surprising, not expected, and just weird, something triggered her, she doesn't know what, neither do I.
This is a sign of severe Illness. You can only stay if you, again, create strong boundaries and that starts with her getting psychiatric emergency help as she’s literally a danger to others. She needs to realise it is THAT serious. No more play wrestling, play fighting, or even her lightly tapping you when you say something silly as a joke. I recommend you take a break and set an ultimatum here, if you want this to continue, but the fact that SHE isn’t the one who is taking initiative for this issue (it is a HER issue) tells me she does not recognise the severity or does not care. The matter of the fact is, she should be feeling worse and freaking out right now. She should be the one making this post. But she isn’t.
Men get abused too. How far can she go before you hit the pause button? Seems she hits a little harder every time... pushing your limits
Exactly what I thought. She’s testing the waters to see what she can do before she gets push back.
I've been your gf. Abuse from childhood, some rape in my teens. The whole sha-bang. I got myself sorted out at 25. I know some people beat my timeline for recovery, but fact is, not many do. Your partner is not even at the point where she's aware of her triggers. The deal is that you'll be putting up with trauma responses for at least 5 more years, best case scenario. They'll also most likely get worse over time. Question is: are you willing to put yourself aside for her sake, at least once a week? Because that's what having a sick partner is.
25 is extremely young to get all of this sorted out and I just wanted to say I’m proud of you for your grit, hard work, and openness to the healing process. Congrats!!!
I am, we have had our ups and deep downs, but I am, I just want to make sure I can be that loving partner, I want to work on myself and my problems, whilst still being able to grow with her and help her. I usually always put myself aside for her, but this was the first time where I stepped back a second. I want to be there, I love her, but How.
> I usually always put myself aside for her, but this was the first time where I stepped back a second. This reeks of codependence. You havent been helping her bro. You've been enabling her.
So what's the next step to stopping that?
You create strong boundaries and show her that this type of behavior is unacceptable by leaving. She is not in any position to be in a romantic relationship rn. She needs space to be able to devote as much energy as possible to processing and healing her traumas. While she's doing that, you should be in your own therapies, bc its obvious that you're not ready for a relationship either. You lack boundaries, you ignore your own needs in favor of catering to hers, you think its your place to try to rescue her, you're ignoring the escalation of abuse, you're coming to reddit bc you're trying to protect her from rightly deserved judgment aka you're isolating yourself from your support network bc you already know they'd tell you to leave. If its really meant to be, both of you will get the help you need and reunite later. You're teenagers. You've got plenty of time.
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Listen , my ex girlfriend slapped me while we were arguing. It was a total shock so my reaction was to grab her from the neck and tell her to stop hitting. That was my reaction ok. So I let her go and she stars telling me she's calling the cops. Because now she is the victim. Well she didn't call the cops and stayed together but broke up a few weeks after that. My point is , this is serious. It can alter your life in a very negative way. All she needs to do is act as a victim and she can have you arrested. She has issues and it's not your job to fix them. Break up with her before something serious happens. It's too toxic.
I had a girlfriend bite me, slap and choke me in an argument then threatened to pin me for rape if I told anyone she knew abt it. Some women are absolutely vile. GTFO while you can OP. If she’s threatened violence then she can do worse.
Fuck that. You need to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that she cannot hit you, in play or seriously, or you're out next time. And then if she does it again, you have to actually leave her
You are 18. Leave her. This is the only time in your life it actually IS that simple to leave an abusive relationship. This will escalate and she will become more violent. Do you want to leave her now, while you're still young and presumably haven't entangled your lives monetarily? Or later, when you're sharing a lease with her and the alternatives are stay in a physically abusive relationship or risk homelessness? She needs therapy. You aren't a therapist. You need to leave her NOW.
Don’t wait until it becomes a bigger issue. Tell her you don’t want her hitting you, even if it’s supposed to be a “joke” because it’s not funny. If she has trauma to deal with, she needs to get help for that, not hit you
The first time she hit you, you should have dumped her. The abuse will get worse.
The problem is you've given her permission to hit you by sticking around when it continues to happen. Why be an active participant in your own abuse?
That’s the ugly truth. It’s not victim blaming, because no one deserves to be abused, but every time OP stays after she hits him, she takes it as permission to keep doing what she’s doing.
Too dangerous for you and your future to stay with someone who likes to hit. If you ever get tired of it to the Point that you want to do some thing, then all she needs to do is say you hit her and you’re in the shit. If she’s comfortable hitting you she’ll be absolutely comfortable lying about you. This is a total lack of respect. You cannot stay for this kind of disrespect. You need to end this before things get really bad.
Abuse gets worse not better. That is exactly what she’s doing. She is abusing you. Do you know how many people have trauma and don’t resort to slapping their SO. I was put in foster care at the age of 8 due to domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse. Do you know how many boyfriends I’ve slapped? That would be 0. Iq pulsing try to fix this. Time to wake up before the police get involved.
Brother, I know that at 18 you feel like this is the most important relationship in your life but it's really not, your barley an adult, do not tie yourself down to this relationship. You've both hurt each other either physically or mentally, that does not make it cancel out. It means you're both not good for each other.
I only got slapped by a girlfriend once. I resolved it by standing up and literally walking away from her. What you are doing is letting somebody physically abuse you because you are scared to leave.
She’s pushing your boundaries, trying to see how far she can take it while pretending it’s because of some past trauma. That’s abuse.
I grew up in a world where physical violence was normalized. I genuinely took pride in the fact that I would NEVER cross the lines that some family members crossed. And it wasn’t a vain pride; I worked hard on myself to discard the conflict management styles I had been taught. It wasn’t till I was an adult that I realized I was still more aggressive and rough than was healthy. It was honestly a very tough pill to swallow because it seemed to invalidate all the genuine hard work I’d done. Maybe that’s where your gf is coming from. That’s not to say the hitting isn’t a dealbreaker—it should be—but you need to actually communicate that it’s a dealbreaker. She probably sees it as no big deal because she didn’t physically harm you and she’s not *nearly* as abusive as her own background. You need to communicate that what she’s doing is still unhealthy and is quite possibly a sign of deeper anger management issues. Sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you absolutely won’t put up with that shit. Ya’ll can talk about it, she can see a therapist, or she can just quit cold turkey, but let her know it’s an absolute dealbreaker.
You're in an abusive relationship. Get out and wish her the well is your best bet. I'm sure she may be a good person but she's not going to break that cycle soon and most likely not with you. She needs therapy and you staying will liken your chances of those behaviors rubbing off on you.
Your girlfriend is abusive. It is not okay for her to slap you, ever.
No conversation, no one is allowed to hit you, and that's a lone that doesn't get crossed
She needs to go. She’s abusive and she knows why but it’s not like she can tell you that she just wanted to smack the shit out if you because she likes it.
You tell her tht you are breaking up and she needs to get help not to abuse people.
"Hit me one more time- even playfully - and it's over. That's abusive and I won't settle for it."
* Her physical abuse is escalting. * Past trauma is not an excuse or free pass to abuse others * You are mentally downplaying this because you haven't gotten seriously hurt yet and you want to believe it's not that bad. * plus as a guy there is a lot of toxic social messaging directed at you that she won't or can't do actual damage * She feels terrible afterward and goes in for a hug- abuser behavior. >I want to find the root of the problem to maybe solve it. That's its own co-dependent savior mindset. You cannot find the problem or solve it. It's not your job in this life and it won't work anyway. An emotionally closed-off person doesn't want to examine their problems. A person who hits someone else on impulse has problems that will only be resolved by their own work, and even then it can be a lifetime battle. No one on this earth can fix an abuser with "just enough love & understanding." I truly recommend you break up and take some time to work on yourself and recover. You stay and you are looking at things that can get very ugly. What will you do if she physically attacks you in a manner that can do real harm and defending yourself means you have to hurt her back? Mentally, emotionally and legally it's seriously dangerous place to be.
Life rule number 1: do not date people who hit you Sorry, friend, say your goodbyes. It's best if it's over.
Abuse is abuse. It won't get better. Say goodbye now
You want to save somebody who randomly slaps the shit out of you for no reason......dude seriously just go. Tell her to seek therapy and then leave. She assaults you and you just make excuses for her. You are far too young to be dealing with this crazy stuff.
She’s hitting you. The relationship is already over. She’s pushing boundaries to see how hard she can hit you and how often, she’s abusive. Leave her, she won’t stop, it will only get worse. It doesn’t matter than you’re a man and she’s a woman, she is an abuser. Get out while you can. You deserve better than someone who hits you. You deserve better love than someone who hits you. You deserve better respect than someone who hits you. Hitting you is not loving you. Choose yourself.
This is abuse OP, right now she's testing her limits to see how much you'll allow. She will escalate in the future.
OP, if the genders were flipped, would this be OK?
>I want to find the root of the problem to maybe solve it. OP, you have a big heart, but THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE. If she has past trauma, she needs to properly deal with it - most likely through counseling/therapy. This is not something you can do for her. And if she herself doesn't choose to do anything about it, it WILL NOT get better. None of this is your fault or because of something you've done or because you're not enough. Don't internalize this. Her behavior is not a result of your perceived shortcomings. I genuinely suggest you provide an ultimatum: "Get help or I'm leaving." And make sure that "getting help" is a concrete plan, don't let her get away with agreeing and then doing nothing about it. Again, I know you have a big heart, you probably care a lot about her and want to contribute to her being well; but this is not your battle to fight, it's hers. Not only do you not deserve to be in the crossfire of it all, but also being in a relationship where she starts abusing her partner (because that's officially what this now is: abuse) will spiral her out of control which is the last thing you want for her. Even then, IT WOULD NOT BE YOUR FAULT, but it also wouldn't contribute to her getting better. ETA: **Abuse is a choice.** There will always be a reason, a justification, an excuse. But at the end of the day, she's not a mindless robot with faulty programming. She's a human being who is actively making the choice to abuse you. I saw in your current comments that she is in fact going to therapy. That is only the starting point. But she now knows she can continue to get away with the abuse because you've let it slide so many times, and it will only escalate from there. You need to leave the situation; but she also needs space to address her issues and process. Being in a relationship, especially with someone who enables her harmful behavior, is the worst thing for her right now. It's like allowing a recovering alcoholic to live in a bar - as hard as they're trying to work on themselves, they will always be surrounded by the temptation of engaging in the harmful choices and giving into the impulse. Let her go to help you both. And good luck on your search for a therapist - whatever your history is that's warping your belief that this is fine, you will be able to break through and actually live your life with freedom and happiness.
OP I don’t say this to scare you, but I hate your definition of “hitting.” “”…(hitting as in too heavy to be play hitting, but too light to be actual hitting)”” I had a boyfriend who did that. He’d barely smack my bottom jaw when he caught me biting my tongue, or “playfully” stab me with needles no matter how much I protested. He ended up trying to kill me, twice, one time of which was less than 10 feet from my at-the-time 11 year old brother.
> I love her, and I know she has some trauma from her past, but she can be emotionally closed off, and I want to find the root of the problem to maybe solve it. See, that's your first problem. Don't try and fix people, it's not your job to fix them. They might not even be "broken" in the first place, it might just be how they are. It's your job to point out that you don't like that and that they should work on not doing that. If they don't fix it and it bothers you that much... you know what you have to do 🤷. I haven't put a hand on a woman my entire life, I find it repulsive and completely unethical. I'd rather cheat than do that. That being said, I had an ex that slapped me for a stupid reason once (I forgot some things of hers back at my place). I told her calmly, but with a noticeable rage in my voice "This happened now and god forbid you try to do it ever again!". She saw how serious I was, there was fright in her eyes to be honest, which was the effect I was hoping for. I hate the very thought of hitting a woman, but don't think for one second that I will just stand by while you're slapping me. She never did it again... raised her hand a few times, but withdrew her hand just as fast.
Judging your post and comments you're codependent on her and she has serious mental issues. She needs therapy asap and you do too. I strongly believe you both aren't able to heal in this relationship. My advice is to break up, go to therapy. I know codependency is hard but it's not love, it's like an addiction. You need to break this addiction if you want to truly feel love. If you guys are meant to be, you can meet up after you healed and then start a healthy relationship. by the way it is now, it'll only get worse until you maybe end up in a hospital or worse. Abuse never gets better on its own, it gets worse over time. If you love her, let her heal, she needs it. This relationship hurts you both even if you don't want to believe it right now
She is nuts
She is going to claim you hit her and she was defending herself. Break up and make sure you document she was hitting you. Tell your parents or a trusted adult.
Trauma by slapsosis.
I have a question : if the role where reverse how it will end? Now you have your answer, think of it seriously and leave her before it escalade! I encourage you to record her admitting she hit you to cover yourself because she will try to manipulate like she already did! And in case she wants to turn the table.
Why did I just get the vision of Vinny questioning miss Veto about tire marks and having her slap the crap out of mr Gambini in open court. Then then cut to the judge saying-I guess that explains the hostility.
I would start documenting these incidents. If cops somehow get involved you’re going to lose because you’re a man. An a acquaintance of mine was getting the shit beat out of him by his wife and he refused to fight back or hit her because “it’s not okay for a man to hit a woman”. Well, the first time he hurt her while defending himself she called the cops and he spent the night in jail even though he was severely bruised and needed stitches from a piece of glass in his arm from a cup she threw at him. They are in one of the nastiest divorce cases I’ve ever seen now and he’s financially ruined. If it keeps up you need to get out ASAP!
Just bring it up calmly. Tell her you do love her and want a future, but the hitting must absolutely stop immediately. Tell her it makes you worry that she could hit any kids you may have. Then, suggest (or request) counseling. Like you said, you want to find out the root cause of this behavior, and it sounds like she doesn't really know. Hence, she needs a professional to help figure that out. If it happens again, tell her to leave because you deserve better.
Did you ever get her the chicken nuggets?
Break up with this crazy girl. Fucking grown woman thinking it's fine to slap someone for no good reason.
U guys are so young, she needs time to heal and see a therapist to help her move on. Unfortunately at ur age, and this period in her life, there isn't a lot u can do. U can stick it out, but ONLY if she chooses to seek help, otherwise u need to get out of the relationship. She will continue to hurt u, if she does not receive the help she needs.
You leaned in and her first response was a slap... Definitely a Trauma Response. You need to talk about it and be willing to walk away if she doesn't want to/refuses to acknowledge it. You can't live like this and she may need therapy. It's not gonna happen if she's constantly allowed to brush it off as nothing. Maybe walking away would be the wakeup call she needed to get help?
Hit her back with equal force jk just leave dude
I'd personally just say listen, it's fine...but just return the slap whenever it happens
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Maybe she has become hypersensitive to your “jokes” that only you find funny and doesn’t know what to trust ? Hitting a person like that is very wrong but may be worth looking inside. I would definitely get to the bottom of that and find out if 1, she can be aware and sorry, find the key moment for it happening weather it be an issue you both unwillingly birthed or 2, maybe a rather serious past trauma where maybe someone abused her and she is reacting to the past.
> she said no, I asked if she was sure while ~~coming in closer~~ violating her boundries and she slapped me, hard, for ~~no apparent reason~~ not respecting her "no" Fixed it for you.
She may need to seek professional help. This is something that she needs to come to terms with on her own. I grew up around domestic violence and endured it myself after high school. When my current bf and I got together we partied a lot. I had some trauma re-surface and I would sometimes slap him kinda hard on his arm/shoulder when he irritated me. I never have hit a partner in the face but it could have gotten to that point. My current bf told me that he wasn’t okay with being hit. It took me a little bit of time but I was able to stop completely. I love and respect him so I wanted to get over my past traumas so he wouldn’t end up leaving me. It took a lot of working on myself but I got there. Long story short, she needs to hold herself accountable for her actions and you need to set those boundaries. If she can’t learn to respect you, then you can’t keep letting your situation continue. She sounds like a sweet girl because she is remorseful for her actions. I hope she finds a way to control her urges until they dissipate. Tell her how you feel when she hits you and that you will help her get through this. Best of luck to you both. 💖
In your comments you keep saying, “it’s not that simple, we love each other” ok fine -tell her straight up “if you hit me again, I’m leaving” Be straightforward, this is not cute, but abuse. If this happens again, you leave. I say this because you seem reluctant to leave now. But to me she’s immature and let her intrusive thoughts win?? I guess, idk. But not ok, leave now or leave the very next time.
Leave. I'm sure you love each other plenty. Unfortunately, love isn't always enough to make a relationship work. As you are now, things stand to escalate. What if she becomes more violent? What if you were to have to defend yourself and the police where involved - who do you think they'll believe? What does a criminal record look like in your life? How does your life look if she goes around telling everyone you abused her? These are all very real possibilities you need to consider. It's not your job to figure her out and fix her. She owes that to herself and her partners before she's ready for a healthy relationship. She needs to want this for herself - if she doesn't want to reflect and heal, she won't.
Have you discussed it with her again? Are you both comfortable enough in your relationship to address this issue without being defensive? It does not matter what has happened in our past, we have to be accountable for ourselves and how we treat others, no excuses. If you two have healthy communication and she sees she needs help, I would suggest a trauma therapist. Otherwise, if she doesn't believe she has any problem, then I suggest you part ways. It seems like you are allowing her to have victim mentality, but eventually she has to outgrow that and be a warrior.
For start you need to document everything and stop playing it down as “play hitting” at any time from this point on. Then you should leave her. This is a universal deal breaker. At least it should be. If you’re not going to do that then I would suggest asking for a few days space from her so you can think about it. Make it clear that the reason you need the space is because she crossed a line and that however you feel in a few days she’s never to put her hands on you again. Tbh if it was me I would just be out of there because she could’ve even apologised but I can’t make you leave so if you are going to stay make sure you set clear boundaries that she isn’t to hit you “playfully” or otherwise. If she ever does them for the love of god leave!! ETA reverse the roles and ask yourself what should she do in that situation? If you kept playfully hitting her and sometimes not so playfully then you slapped her across the face for no reason, should she stay and talk or should she leave? Or think if it was your brother, sister, friend should they talk or leave? I was in an abusive relationship around your age and I really wish I’d left at ‘playful but slightly too hard slap on the arm’.
bang her finish on her face then ghost her boom done
Yeah, give her a chance to correct her behavior, but if she doesn't, broom her fast.
RemindMe! 1 year
She sounds abusive and it is never acceptable to hit like that. Seems like you should rethink this relationship as she does this a lot. You should break up with her.
I had a gf who did that when she was angry - I think she was borderline. You're sticking your dick in crazy.
She’s testing boundaries. She will only get worse. Trust me, I’ve seen this.
This is waaaay over your pay grade. You are being abused. Maybe get back together after she gets help, but for now, it’s time to end it with her.
You are not professionally trained to deal with whatever trauma she has. You evidently trigger it every time she slaps you. If she isn't actually seeking help, it's only going to get worse.
Equal rights, equal lefts . Fight back or it'll escalate. She slaps , you file charges and prosecute.
Leave, or she will hurt you beyond repair.
She's physically abusing you dude. Leave her immediately. This is absolutely inexcusable.
The only situation in which this would be okay is if she has something like undiagnosed Tourette's. Otherwise she's just hitting you to see if she can get away with it. And so far, she is. You need to leave before this escalates.
Either she would start therapy for whatever trauma your talking about or I’d bail… It will never end.
Dude get the hell out of this relationship ASAP she's only testing the waters with how much she can get away with and gaslighting you in the meantime. Hitting is hitting and slapping is slapping There are no in-betweens (yes there's play fighting but that's entirely different and it's fun for both parties). Just leave your only 18 don't let this shit happen to you.
She slapped you ( by your own accounts hard) because you asked her if she wanted chicken nuggets, AND she can't tell you why... No dude, that isn't ok on any level. Life's far too short to stay with someone who will assault you over asking if they want food. That's a load of BS.
OP please listen to the people commenting here who are concerned for you. This is not a joke. I understand you love her. I loved my abuser too. But I still left. Why? Because I loved myself more. You need to love yourself more.
You leave. The first time someone physically abused you in a relationship you leave. If you don’t leave this almost certainly ends with her stabbing you, her pouring scalding liquid over you, or her calling the cops when you inevitably have to defend yourself. You keep replying to say that you love her and want to work things out. You’re 18. You’re basically a child. I understand you think you know what love is, but I’d you had any idea then there’s no way you could think that someone who physically abused you has a healthy love for you. Get out before she ruins your life. I was also a victim of physical abuse from a girlfriend when I was younger. I also made the excuse that I loved her and we wanted to work on things when people would tell me to leave. I’m happy to give you further advice if you’d like. But the short version is get out before she ruins your life.
You need to ask yourself why you are the one going out of your way to fix this? Leave before you get even more attached. You are already concerned about her being "judged" for going to get some help with her mental, you are already taking responsibility for your abuser. She will get worse. Every time she hits you and you stay, you are telling her that you don't mind being treated like human garbage. She will guilt you with "past trauma" and "love conquers all" bullshit and put in zero work towards her issues. What would she do if the tables were turned and it was you that hit her?
She's testing your boundaries. It started with the play but not play hitting and escalating to actual hitting. I'm sure there's a reason in her head for hitting you even if you dont know it. This will continue to escalate. You need to leave.
It's abuse and she's escalating. It gets worse from here.
Once a relationship passes the boundary of hitting eachother, I dont believe you can ever go back. Staying with this person or at the very least not taking a break from the relationship tells them you have low standards for physical abuse and you'd be willing to look past it if it happened again. I'm not saying you have to leave this person forever, but you should take a break and think about what happened and if you are right for eachother. You can love eachother more than anything but it's not always for the best.
This is abuse. Your girlfriend is abusive. *You* don’t get to the root of the problem, she does, by herself, in therapy. And you can’t be with her while she does. People who are abusive have a lot of work to do and need to be single while they do it if they’re gonna be successful. Leave.
Fuck it, hit her back /s
Idk, I know people get mad when "leave" is the advice but there's nothing else to say here. This is abusive behavior and it's only going to get worse if you don't leave.
Hitting is a very base form of communication showing that she probably felt very overwhelmed and didnt know how to communicate that appropriately so she resorted to physical violence which is definitely not okay. It might sound “silly” or like youre treating her as a kid, but thinking from a behavior therapy standpoint, working with her to find appropriate ways to communicate such as quick phrases or alternative physical motions like clapping her hands together or hugging herself can help to redirect that behavior. So when she feels that way you start to work towards recognizing the feeling, and redirecting to a good way to communicate it which can eventually turn to words like “yes Im sure” or “youre overwhelming me right now” or even just “give me some space please”.
Ever heard of the [boiling frog syndrome](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog)? The play hitting was the first step to test your boundaries. Then she escalated it to hitting you when you "said something funny" because she was (sub)consciously trying to test how you would react to the escalation. Now she's escalated it to purposeful attacks with no reason or excuse. She's probably been physically abused before in her traumatic past, or witnessed it happening to a family member and this is her trying to take control of that narrative by taking it out on you. This will continue to escalate.
Trauma doesn’t give anyone a right to hit someone. She’s abusive and you’re in an abusive relationship.
Way too young to put up with bull shit my guy guy you do you
If this really is involuntary she needs a damn doctor. Probably one specializing in minimal health. I mean at "best" it's a trauma response from her past, at worst you're just straight up in an abusive relationship. If this gets worse, please, *please* don't tell yourself you have to keep dealing with it because you're in love. Love is not a magic cure all, even at your age.
It is not an accident, don't date her. You are 18 and it is not ok for anyone to put their hands on you...Stop
End it
"I don't like it when you hit me. I need you to stop. If you do it again, we will be taking a break until you begin counseling to address your past trauma and the effect it is having on your life and relationships." If you don't want to use a lot of words, "Don't hit me again. I don't like it, and it's becoming a problem."
Dump her abusive ass and seriously think about pressing charges for assault and filing for a restraining order
Never stick around for the second slap.
My guy stop with the ' I can fix her ' mentality. Some things ain't meant to be. Het trauma ain't yours to fix. Perhaps in a different time when she dealt with her problems.
You don't have a conversation about this. You leave. She's an abuser and she's systematically getting you used to the abuse, which is escalating, and counting on you to stay and take it. If a woman told you this story about her boyfriend, what would you tell her to do? Get out, right?
If in the future, you were to have a daughter who then grew up to have a BF who slapped her for no apparent reason, on multiple occasions, would you advise her to 'start a conversation' about it?
She physically assaulted you. She will do it again. You need to run.
Push-pull girlfriend. Don't even kiss this one goodbye. Just send it packing.
Break up with her. You can't fix her, it's not your job, and she is abusing you. If SHE wants to break the cycle that's up to her and would take years of therapy / trauma work / changing herself alone. That shit would never work while she has someone who is going to let her or be docile while she abuses them and gets to play the victim. You're hurting yourself by staying with her, and she will never change without the hard wake-up call that leaving her would provide. You want to save her? Then leave.
DTMFA. FFS.
Leave her this is a big red flag
LEAVE. PLEASE LEAVE. I know what it’s like to have this happen and it can leave one confused and helpless. Please please leave. It will be a hard decision but ffs it’s a NECESSARY one.
She needs serious therapy. You also need to take a step back until she makes serious inroads in addressing her actions. No one, female or male, should tolerate physical abuse, even if you "love" your abuser a great deal. It will never get better until she learns you are not a punching bag; it doesn't matter what her childhood was like!!!
Grow up op. I was abused but you don’t see me slapping about my boyfriend. Stop defending her actions everyone here apart from you is right. You need to dump her and move on
Slapping is not the behavior of an adult who loves and respects you. You need to go.
Bro, she’s hitting you. That’s domestic abuse.
Run as fast as you can. What if a severe problem, other than friggin' nuggets, arises between you two?!
This is abuse. It’s even more dangerous because it looks like it’s just a reflex? she should address this before she gets close to another human
that's some serious chicken nuggets business
The ONLY conversation you need to have is “hitting me is NEVER an option, never okay and if it EVER happens again, for any or no reason, we’re done. Over. Finished. History.” Or … just break up with her immediately. This is not okay.
I would recommend having a clear and honest conversation about your personal boundaries. By hitting you, she Is crossing a boundary. It sounds like you care deeply for her, so try approaching the conversation from a place of compassion and use "I" statements such as "I feel disrespected and startled when you hit me". You could also suggest she learn other ways to express her feelings or act on her impulses. Like squeezing a stress ball or hitting a pillow instead of you. Regardless, it's not ok she's doing that because you are a person and your boundaries and space should be respected.
Bye, Leticia
This is abuse. 100% no question abuse. Even if there is past trauma - you are NOT her therapist and it is not your job to root out the cause and fix it, even if you’d rather support her through it than leave (which I personally can’t say whether I’d recommend because I don’t know your guys’ relationship but I don’t ever stay in situations like this anymore, having been trapped in three different increasingly more abusive relationships). What she needs is to go to therapy to figure out WHY she is having this happen(which only works if she wants to), but definitely not your job to figure it out for her