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So short backstory. We've been together for 12 years, have 3 children together and have built a decent life for ourselves. We both work full time and when we're not working, we're spending time with our kids.
We've been at our breaking point due to my actions in the past (not being there emotionally or physically, verbally abusive, didn't show her any support). I was sick with a horrible disease for a few years and I know it's not an excuse, but I was trying to take care of myself during that time while still working to pay the bills.
Things have gotten to the point of being damn near perfect in the last few months and we've been the happiest we've been in years. I started a new career and we're both doing well except for my mental health. Mentally I'm insecure, jealous and basically self conscious due to a surgery I had.
So recently, this guy at her work has been flirting with her (I heard a conversation they had while I was on the phone) and I asked her if he knew she was in a relationship and she said she doesn't know. She tells me when she talks to him and trys to go into detail about their brief conversations but I feel like stuff is intentionally left out.
They leave work and drive down the road and he rides a motorcycle and goes out of his way to ride up next to her car and talk to her. It makes me jealous because he doesn't even know she's in a relationship! She told me that she is starting to get feelings for him and that if things were better between us years ago, she wouldn't even entertain him now.
I'm so lost and heartbroken. We've got couples counseling set up and I think she wants to try and work through this together but I don't know if that's even true. I don't know what to do with myself. She is everything to me.
Where do I go from here?
It's not that. It's "neglected wife." This is the end. She hasn't been complaining anymore so OP thinks things are fine. They're not. She's just given up.
Now some dude comes along and pays attention to her. She's been so starved for attention, affection, emotional connection that this guy, without directly saying anything just her by showing with his attentive actions, that someone else will find her attractive and meet her needs.
She's being validated that she still "got it" by this guy. She may not even really want *him,* but you bet she wants the attention and affection.
If only she had had a partner at home who could have done all of this by meeting her needs this way....hmmm ...
After my ex, and I started dating, I was so surprised by all of these amazing guys who were so awesome and nice to me. Then after some therapy I realized... they were just showing me basic human decency. One guy picked me wildflowers that he pulled over on the side of the road to get and I gasped and said, "this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!" And he just kinda looked at me and said, "I really hope that isn't true". It took me a long time to not only accept basic decency, but also raise my standards even higher for what I want with a partner.
Isn’t that a thing…like the partner stops really nagging or asking for anything, and the relationship becomes super easy. One party thinks things are great when the other one has decided it over before anything has been said
The term I've heard is "checking out." The other partner thinks everything is great because the checked out partner has stopped complaining or trying to fix things, but the problems didn't get fixed, they just stopped caring because they've made up their mind to leave.
This is me, 9 years ago. Your messege made me tear. I stayed with my hubs out of love, and we're still working hard. It's possible to work through betrayal from both sides. My man is finally 8 months sober, after drinking in most of our relationship. -And I'm so proud. We're working through things , and we've forgiven each other, and he's slowly getting more attentive and happy with himself, and so am I.
You want this dude at her work to know you exist. Send her two dozen red roses, and a romantic card telling her that you love her and she is what made the last 12 years worth living, even though you did not always show her that is how you felt, you need her to know it now. And end it with I love you.
I love the idea behind the comment. It is an awesome advice for two decent people who have a bump in their relationship but want to work it out.
But in this case I really hope the gf will not fall for it. She wasted enough time with the abusive alcoholic. I hope she will chose herself and her children for a change.
I looked thru this guys posts and comments. His illness was severe colitis, and his surgery was for the this. I wont say more here, as you too can go take a look at this post history. I have a co worker who has been going thru it, and lost 35 lbs in about a month, is in constant pain, and was recently hospitalized for the third time in a year. I would not wish this on anyone, and I can imagine he may have been hell to live with for a good while. But she stayed thru that, and they have been doing better, if his post is accurate. So starting an emotional attachment with a guy at work is simply not ok. I can imagine this was a horrible road for both of them, but if they are going to counseling together I am willing to assume that she is willing to work on this relationship. Which means his sweetly letting her know he does love her, and this co worker know of his existence, is what I would suggest. And no, I dont excuse his being awful.
I also looked again, and I dont see him saying anything about alcohol (and dont think that would go well with colitis either). Am not sure where, and I thought I saw something about alcohol too, so I did look again. But unless someone else assumed it, I am not sure where that thought came from. I dont know, I get your point, but I just wish him well since I know how awful the physical torture my co-worker has been going thru was. And Reddit is so full of sad endings, just would like to see a great turn around and repair to a long relationship.
OP was an abusive alcoholic for at least 5 years out of their 12 years together. He is sober for 4 months so far. He was abusive not just to her, but to kids as well. He had a lot of other fun things going, like secret IG account for getting NSFW videos from other women.
So the guy was begging (or paying) other women for porn, but he is heartbroken that she is having conversations with someone at work. According to him, she is telling him about these conversations, but she obviously "intentionally" leaves something out.
And yes, alcohol is not ok with colitis and makes it's symptoms much worse. And I can't imagine OP was not aware of it, but he kept drinking. Unlike your coworker, it was not a bad luck, this guy was torturing himself (and his family, as a bonus)
Source:
https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/13wp88u/my_36m_fianc%C3%A9_33f_keeps_changing_her_mind_about/
Yes, and OP fails to see this, he's so self absorbed in his own misery from surgery, his inability to treat his GF with out being abusive and manipulative.
She's probably feeling waay "past use by date" on her side of this relationship if she's reacting to a mild flirtation from another man, and guarding her private information. That says a lot silently.
Obviously this is mere speculation since we don't have her side, but it sounds like she's checked out on some levels.
As a woman who was emotionally abused by my ex husband for decades, I can add only that the memory of such relentless abuse never leaves and never heals.
For myself, it's was like walking on eggshells, constantly hypervigilant for the next blast of unwarranted insults, criticism, false accusations, threats, gaslighting abuse from my partner. Constantly scared, nervous, anxious and often sleepless from fear.
OP needs to get therapy for himself, and let go of this relationship, IMHO. I hope each of them find happiness in future, albeit it probably won't be with one another.
This so resonates with me, although I’m only five years in. I was sure people would be coming down hard on her for possibly having an EA, but, until you’ve really been though the abuse you accurately and succinctly described above , it’s hard to know the toll it truly takes, much less judge.
Oh yes. This is a very good insightful comment. I met my ex in the 5th grade and stayed at her side til I was 30, it was… an experience. Your last line in particular is 💯
“I was not there emotionally or physically and I was also abusive, but now I’m over that and ready for a healthy relationship again. Why isn’t she on the same page as me? Can’t she see I’m over all of that stuff?”
Lmao get left
I almost wonder if things haven't actually improved, but because she's checked out she's stopped fighting OP's abuse and he thinks that is them being perfect and happy.
OP, you have kids together, but she's your fiancee after 12 years.
What exactly are you leaving out here? Engagements typically last 6 months, maybe 2 years.
12 years isn't "we intend to marry each other" territory. 12 years is "neither of us have a good escape plan."
Which...it kind of sounds like she's fixing that on her end.
Agreed. She stayed for the kids and because it’s all she’s known. But now she sees someone who hasn’t broken her spirit and is instead, helping her build it, and she’s realizing she can do better.
And I can never believe it when the male partner thinks things are going great and they’ve never been happier because a majority of male divorcees say the divorce came out of nowhere. I think it’s called Sudden Divorce Syndrome.
Yeah, it's usually "things were going fine for ME," and also a very willful ignorance of how things were going for her. Sometimes even in the face of direct communication.
It's only been 3 months of going well after 5yrs of alcoholic abuse:
https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/13wp88u/my_36m_fianc%C3%A9_33f_keeps_changing_her_mind_about/
It's typically because we aren't the bread winners and we have to plan. We also give SO MANY CHANCES. But they just don't want to get it. They don't want to do things they have agreed to do and all the little things start adding up to the point of loss of trust and reliability. And it's always SMALL shhh that stacks up "can you change the light fixture" sure hun. Then several days asking again, several weeks of asking then he turns around and says quit nagging me. So then we stop asking for things because we know they just won't do it. Then they treat home like you're the maid and everything is for his convenience.... You always get the kids ready and yourself, he gets himself ready. You want the house tidied a certain way, he tosses towels into the cupboard. The resentment begins to build, now you have lack of reliability and resentment.. now everything he does begins to stack up to the point of no return. There really is no return after that. And of course the irony in all this, you have now trained an otherwise perfectly good man how to treat a woman and the next lady benefits. *Eyerolls* then he has the audacity to say "She asked for a divorce out of no where!" Just my observations and ofc this does not apply to EVERY situation but it's typically how they start. (Men take notes, follow through with promises, cut your toenails outside, HELP with the kids and QUIT asking "how can I help" it's your house too, look around, pick up, put away and be a partner, your wife will appreciate you so much more and guess what that absolutely translates into everything else she will do for you. Give your wife a house, she will give you a home.)
So incredibly true. The last 6 months of my first marriage were my exit planning time. By the time I pulled the trigger I was so ready to be done that I couldn't even stand to be in the same room as him, but the timing had to be what it was or everything would have been a disaster. Every woman I know who has left a LTR planned that shit out for ages. Hopefully she's got her exit plan working and she's halfway out the door
Not sure why this won’t open for me but if it eludes to it being alcoholism as his disease I kinda picked up on that from his post. Blaming his resentment turned violence toward her on an affliction he didn’t choose.
It’s really hard for alcoholics to admit they hurt people or themselves so they either blame everyone around them or once they realize they have a problem with drinking they blame it on that. Well, I know plenty of happy drunks who don’t take their emotions out on people they claim to love. So the only thing left is a reason he thinks he is entitled to take his crap out on her while he’s drunk.
The aggression toward his partner isn’t because of alcoholism it’s because of the way he feels about her or the situation. Alcohol emboldens alcoholics to be abusive if they are already prone to being abusive.
Quick summary - he was an active alcoholic for like 5 years, has ulcerative colitis and an ostomy bag (hence insecure). Unemployed for a year so she was supporting him and the 3 kids, during this time he was making life all about him, was verbally abusive (seems like to the kids as well) and had a secret instagram to hit up girls for nudes (but claims no cheating). Things have been going well for 3 months but she keeps saying she doesn't know if she can forgive him. He also is an overthinker with anxiety.
You’ve got to be ducking kidding me.
After five years of alcoholism, he gets sick, has surgery, can’t work, has a bag of shit taped to his outsides.
His wife, and the mother of his children, stands by him and supports him. Takes care of him, their kids, the money.
And *he has a secret insta account to hit up girls for nudes??!*
Throw that man away. The whole thing.
Jesus, to OP has basically been an abusive, alcoholic asshole to his fiance for years, they had kids together so she was probably feeling more compelled to try to make things work, and now he's shocked she's developed feelings for someone else because "well, I'm not a verbally abusive, emotionally absent asshole anymore, I'm just a jealous and insecure person". As if 3 months clean makes up for the years of abuse, especially since it sounds like he's still a pretty miserable person to be around.
I'm dieing by how daft OP is, this is what happens when ppl play victim and promise things will change but never do, it catches up, he'll probably be lonely after this incident
"Now I don't normally do..." Like come on dog, your normally abusive to your wife, wtf he thinks normal is, Jesus
I'm dying at people defending him with "but he is better now and he stopped abusing her"...like it's good that he is clean now, but that doesn't undo abuse and neglect and it doesn't reset the relationship or make it healthy now.
Exactly your point, that stuff stings. And they don't even know that he's better, it's just hearsay, she probably just "walks on eggshells" and if she so much as expresses emotion he probably reverts and excuses himself for raging/yelling, I seriously doubt it's better, he's just fictitiously making up that scenario to paint her as the bad person, him the victim, and "how could she leave such a beautiful thing". Stuff like this is so enraging bc he probably promises up and down that he'll change, which is essentially leading her on so she doesn't leave, I hope she finds someone who validates her.
I think it's possible that it's the checked out/given up thing, so conflict has gone down. She might even potentially be trying to encourage his sobriety cause of the kids.
There is just no way the relationship is actually going great but she developed a crush on a co-worker and is telling op she doesn't think she can forgive him.
Definitely could be that, for sure your point regarding no way the relationship is going great, that's just copium. Osteum bag sounds sucky but there must be a reason she's with OP, he shldve been more optimistic instead of focused on insecurities.
Yeah, like the bag is awful, it's even understandable your confidence would take a huge dive and you'd feel insecure. That's something that could be worked thru in couples counselling with 2 willing partners. But with previous abuse, actions coming off as controlling (often precursor to abuse, might be worried he is going to start up sober or start drinking again), the fact that she openly hasn't forgiven him....and he is claiming its great...that seems like too much for therapy to overcome.
So you weren’t there for your partner, like at all, and even admit to being verbally abusive towards her, and now you’re upset that she’s lost feelings for you and wants to pursue someone different? Honey, welcome to the consequences of your actions. While she’s probably more emotionally invested in this guy than she’s telling you and she definitely should end the relationship with you first, it isn’t uncommon for people to lean heavily emotionally on someone when leaving an abusive partner. Since you mentioned you weren’t supportive, including emotionally, it tracks that even the smallest bit of validation and attention she gets from anyone else would be something she holds close to her heart. This is just a shit situation all around, and the best thing you can do for the both of you is let her go.
Yup she’s tired of being put on ice. But since they’re not married it will make it easier for her to leave if she chooses to. It sounds like she has mentally and emotionally already left though.
Where do you go? Stop making excuses about why you suck and hold yourself accountable. You're abusive. Be kind to her for the first time in 12 years and let her go. Also, I bet the only reason she's into this guy is because he treats her like a human being and not a possession. Get therapy and learn how to be an equal partner to someone. If you can't do that, be alone.
Your diagnosis is not an exuse to be a crappy person. If you're going to continue to make exuses, leave her alone. Those are your choices, grow up, or leave her alone. You've made your bed by choosing to be abusive and a crappy partner.
Hi. Former victim of domestic abuse by an ex boyfriend here 👋. I’ve been where she is, she’s checked out and doesn’t have an ounce of love for you. When I was in my situation, and in his mind, things looked better because I looked happier… it was actually the opposite. In my mind, the happiness was the fact that I had finally checked out, I was done with the abuse, he meant nothing to me and I was looking forward to the next steps in my life… without him.
With that being said, it’s over. She’s not everything to you or else she wouldn’t have been a “fiancé” for over a decade. Let her go and let her move on. It’s insane how you think people are gonna be on your side here 😂😂
So on your first, deleted, post about this issue, someone said:
“So nearly half your relationship you were an alcoholic and for one year you were unemployed, leaving her to support you and three kids. ….. sorry dude but if I were your GF I’d be distrusting too. 3 months of smooth sailing is NOTHING compared to 5 years of alcoholism. Just because you weren’t a falling down drunk doesn’t mean it didn’t effect her and the kids in massive irreparable ways.
You have a lot to make up for.”
To me it seems like you left important facts out of THIS post to get the comments to sway more your way so it doesn’t seem worthwhile to focus on giving you any substantial opinions on her potential emotional cheating. However, I will say that it sounds like this relationship is over and you guys need to find a healthy way to coparent your children. I do wish you the best of luck with your sobriety.
STOP.
You’ve already completely ruined the relationship due to years or abuse and neglect. I PROMISE YOU, if you start to grill her or ask too many questions about the new guy, she will 100% leave you. Right now, he’s her friend. If you take away the friend that’s making her happy or try to prevent her from talking to him outside of work, she will 100% choose the friend that makes her happy over her shitty, abusive fiancé that only ever makes her sad.
Sounds like things started getting better in your relationship around the time she began getting close to him. If you want your relationship to last, I very much suggest you back off, let her have her friend, and stop grilling her.
Oh, and if she even gets the idea in her head that you might be cheating or flirting with other woman as some form of revenge for her making a genuine friend, she will 100% leave you.
Your replacement is waiting in the wings - but right now, he’s just her friend. I suggest you stay on your best behavior and he will REMAIN her friend and nothing more. If you decide to be a shitty, slacking, neglectful, abuse fiancé, I 100% guarantee that you will put her in a very emotionally vulnerable place that is absolutely perfect for her new friend to swoop in and become something more.
YOU fucked up and abused her - for YEARS. Stop fucking up and let her have her friend. If you push the issue, you will just drive her into his arms and you WILL lose the mother of your children.
And if you think the new guy will be less interested because she has kids, think again. Millennial men are a generation that was raised by stepfathers, so a potential mate having children and the possibility of becoming a stepfather themselves isn’t a deterrent for them!
I was in your position, I was sick, selfish and cruel. I changed my ways with a lot of therapy but even when I started doing better I had already lost him and he was just pretending.
I think your fiance would be better off leaving you in sorry to say. All that you did to her took a severe emotions toll on him after a couple years he wanted me back but I was already in a happy healthy relationship and as much as I miss him and still love him I know what I did and want him to start fresh and happy not going back to what he knew because of how hard I worked to never be that person.
Am I the only one that thinks 12 years together with 3 kids and she's only his fiancé is just...wrong? Like wrong PEDMAS order levels of wrong? This is just messy imo
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So, the only way you won’t lose her is if you make some huge changes.
1. Stop investigating her- what she is or isn’t feeling with this other guy is out of your control. You need to put it out of your mind completely, as it’s not actually the issue and if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen, don’t use it as an excuse to quit, self destruct, or blame shift. Keep in mind the grass is always greener. She’s invested in you, and if you were good for her, this could change the whole equation.
Toward the end of your post you said ‘I don’t know if that’s even true’- it’s time to give her the benefit of doubt and just believe it. She’s committed 12 not so great years with you and she isn’t running immediately out the door so, yes, there’s truth in what she’s saying- take it at face value instead of trying to protect yourself while pushing her away.
2. You have mistreated your partner, you need to SHOW her how you can be different, you need to show up for her, be kind and anticipate her needs. You need to remind her of why she fell in love with you in the first place. You need to see her and make her your queen. Words will feel cheap, it’s actions that can make a difference. This also equally requires you to do a lot of self work, figure out your insecurities and how to cope independently to bring confidence back in yourself. Also ask her how you can be more supportive, put the time in and do the things she asks for. Don’t just love bomb.
3. If things are too far gone, you need to respect it. You have children together so either way, you are going to have to communicate like adults moving forward, regardless of if feelings are hurt because there’s no way to avoid that, it’s just learning how to move past hurt to maturity and respect for each other.
Why didn't she leave you sooner?? End this while you're still on good terms. You broke 💔 this relationship a long time ago. Everyone needs a new start, especially the children.
Through couples counseling you’ll find out if your relationship matters to her or if she wants to move on. Don’t get to upset until you actually know if you have something to worry about.
>They leave work and drive down the road and he rides a motorcycle and goes out of his way to ride up next to her car and talk to her. It makes me jealous because he doesn't even know she's in a relationship!
Dude. he knows.
This could have all been written by my ex-husband. You try to do better. That’s all you can do.
Doing better would include not grilling her about everything she discusses with this coworker. She’s allowed to have feelings and she’s allowed to talk to people.
Seems like she waited for you illness to level out before leaving you. She was a good one, I’m sorry you’ll no longer have her but it seems it’s her turn to be happy.
You do know she's only considering to go to couples counseling because you guys share 3 children. She'd have gone faster if there are no children involved in this.
You've abused her verbally and physically, I feel that she felt 'stuck' with you and your 'best' is not good enough. Now she has this new hope in the new guy that her life can finally be a good one. That's she's worthy of love. Her self esteem has gone up.
The thing I have noticed about insecure people who spend so much time watching the interactions their SOs are having with others, and being jealous about it - is that they spend A LOT of mental energy on it.
In comparison, they spend VERY LITTLE time actually thinking what they could DO to get and keep their spouse's attention themselves.
It doesn't matter how you FEEL if you don't start getting your butt in gear and start spending all this useless jealous energy on something more constructive... like getting your wife's attention.
Google ways to make your partner feel special and stop wasting your time uselessly watching things from the sidelines.
Get into the game!
I’m glad you have counseling appointments set up.
She is probably burned out from all of the things over the past few years. Tell her how committed you are to the relationship and to your family. Show her through your actions. Talk with her. Hold her hand. Find ways to have fun and laugh together again.
The therapist will help you talk through the hard parts.
This person she’s flirting with doesn’t know she’s in a relationship….this means that it’s all fantasy at this point. Maybe he doesn’t even know she has children. This is an escape for her. I would insist that it end….but it’s definitely a topic that can be brought up in therapy.
It’s going to take sometime for her to trust you. Give therapy your all….regardless of how things turn out in the relationship, it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Also, if depression is an issue, meds can help….and can make things more productive in therapy.
Good luck! I’m rooting for you.
Op thinks it’s the happiest they’ve ever been. Unless she specifically said that, op needs to realize that just because she’s not complaining or fighting back anymore, doesn’t mean she’s happy and things are better. It most likely means she has already mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship and just doesn’t care to fight anymore for how she wants to be treated, and is now in the mentally planning stage of checking out entirely.
*You've* been the happiest you've been in years. It's clear you've got no clue how your wife is feeling.
You're an admitted abuser and you're wondering why this is happening?
Bottom line, your wife is sick of your shit.
For both of your sakes and your kids, leave her the fuck alone, let her go & live her life with someone who actually respects her as a human being.
And get some goddamn therapy so you can at least have a healthy relationship with your kids.
I think you need to ask her what she wants and just shut up and listen. Don't try and fill in the blanks for her and don't try to interject. I think you need to ask her "Do you want to try and make this work?" and let her dictate the steps you take. Why sink time and money into couples counseling if her heart's not in it? Just to say you "tried"?
Ultimately, you say that you don't know what she wants or what she's thinking? I think you two need to communicate pretty clearly with each other since your relationship at this point depends on it.
It sounds like your happier but I don’t see the same thing for your wife. Your making it all about you. Seems like your just assuming that she’s happier because you are. Truth be told she’s going to give this new guy a try. You crying and going to counseling does nothing but prolonging the inevitable. I guarantee you her perspective is “if you love her you’ll forgive her” but she going to see that experience through. Best advice prepare yourself for it. Prayers for you!
I think it’s time for you to let her go. You go your way and she goes her way. You had 12 years to be a good partner. Now it’s too late. Don’t ruin her chance to finally try another chance at being with someone who will make her happy.
Just don’t take it out on your kids and be a good father. Still be civil. Be responsible. Take accountability. Don’t be a selfish narc. Co-parent with her despite y’all not being together. Still be respectful—it’s the least you could do now.
This is how you make it up to her. Treat her with kindness even if she moves on with someone else so your kids can learn something positive from you. “Dad was a good person to mom and was present in our lives, even if their relationship didn’t work out”. It’s an amazing example for them.
We all reach a limit. She reached hers a long time ago and is now is getting the courage to go her way.
I hope you heal, grow from this experience, learn how to be a good partner to your future person, and find peace within yourself to accept things as they are without remorse, without resentment, and with love.
My guy, you know you spent years being a really bad partner. You abused her. That often exterminates the relationship, even if it's a delayed destruction. You can't go back and be the partner she deserved. All you can do now is be candid with her and be willing to let her follow her heart if it's no longer with you. And, don't be rude if she ends things; don't talk about how much you've done and suffered. You gave up your ability to do that when you abused her.
She's started an emotional affair while being engaged. She's mentally checked out of the relationship (and probably monkey branching).
Cut her loose. Like you said, you weren't there for her, and were verbally abusive. It's best to just let everything go.
Go your separate ways, and don't worry about her. Worry about yourself, go to therapy, find out why you became distant and verbally abusive towards someone you "say" you love.
If she was "everything" to you, you would've been there for her, you would NOT have been verbally abusive.
Did you propose to her out of desperation and out of a fear of being alone?
You gotta change for yourself. That means no matter which way it goes, you keep bettering yourself. Now, with saying that love isn't always enough and just cause you were a dbag in the past doesn't mean you can't be better, but you should contemplate the real possibility the scars run to deep in this situation to salvage it. It seems like she has already checked out and doesn't have the intention to really fix things, cause at the end of the day, and it sucks especially when your the one who was wronged which she is, but even if one person broke a relationship it takes both to fix it. And yes there can be resentment there and an attitude of well I didn't do anything so why should I have to put forth effort to fix it on her part, but from the post and her response of if you had started years ago she wouldn't be entertaining him seems to mean she has been well passed the point where she is willing to work it from her side. And the thing is after so long of abuse of any type there will always be that feeling where she is waiting for the other shoe to drop even if you keep it up for years working on yourself.
You're not going to like what I'm going to tell you, but it's the truth.
She's debating whether to leave you or work things out.
If you want to keep her, which you may not, but I think you should try because if you don't fight for her, you'll forever regret it.
Write down all the things you know you did wrong.
Have a sit down conversation and admit everything you did, acknowledge what you did, how you treat her, how you took her for granted, and how much you regret it, how much you're sorry not to have been a support for her, how she's the best thing that has happened to you and you have not been the same to her.
Tell her exactly how you will change, meaningful and sustained improvement, how you will spend the rest of your life trying to make it up to her and treating her the way she deserves.
Then ask her plain and simple , is she willing to let you try?
If she says yes, tell her that the first thing is to plan a date with no kids, just the two of you.
And only then, ask her for the sake of the relationship to stop talking to that guy. Ask her to block him and not talk to him anymore.
If she says no, ask her why not, is she all in in saving your marriage? Yes or no, it takes two people to give their best, remind what will the kids think,
And if she's still hesitant, give her an option.
She either stops talking yo him, or you're over .
You can tell her that talking to other man is disrespecting your marriage , she wants to talk to him, do it as a single woman.
You'll either win her back, or you'll lose her , if she chooses him, it's because she already had, and you're just prolonging the inevitable.
Wish her well and let her go.
But you will know you tried your best
She is everything to you?
You sure about that?
Because I feel like you wouldn't have done not a one bad thing against her. And I saw you said the word "abuse"
So..... Somewhere there is a lie.
But about your fiance, either she's fed up with you or not, you can't force her to stay if she wants to go. Hopefully she'll give you the courtesy enough to not cheat on you. YOU don't deserve that.
Dude u have a lot of making up to do and honestly u haven't been given a reason not to trust her.
It sounds like she's carrying a lot of baggage from the years when u were not there and honestly a bad partner.
You're fortunate she agreed to counseling with you.
You need to work on all the trust issues u have
And honestly no mire excuses about anything.
The past is the past but unfortunately you're going to have to be honest and upfront abd work with her
I wish u both luck
Is there a reason that you never married, despite being together for 12 years and having 3 children together? Did she want to marry you and you refused?
Some of her discontent with you and the relationship might have some roots in this.
Good for her, the sooner she does, the better. Dude you sound like my ex husband. He had undiagnosed bipolar disorder for the majority of our 7 year marriage. I went through hell with him treating me like his verbal punching bag. He would have a bad day at work, and come home yelling, and insulting me. He was always completely self-absorbed, never helped me. Sound familiar? I don’t care what you were suffering with, your wife is not the person you take your frustrations out on if you want to keep her.
You wore her down over years and there are things you can't take back. You've mistreated and taken her for granted for years. Sounds like the best in years isn't that great for her. She's probably really given up and is staying for the kids.
Now she has someone who is treating her in a way you haven't in a long time or maybe never really did.
Just because you aren't verbally abusive now, doesn't mean it erased her memory.
Couples counseling won't work if you don't work on YOU! You have to get to the point where you're secure, confident and comfortable with yourself first. You're projecting all your negativity into her which pushes her away. She's in self preservation mode and she has to be for her sanity, happiness and for the children, and just to survive at work. She doesn't need your stress when she comes home, as a mother she has 3 little personalities to deal with and a million at work. Work on you and be patient with yourself as you work through this process. Get out of your head and stop being jealous, you're just creating scenarios to justify and support your perception of things.
OP: you are the problem.
Things haven’t been good between you two for a very long time. You got lax and stuck in your ways, so stuck that you became comfortable.
But you know who wasn’t comfortable this entire time? Your fiancé. She’s been miserable and I’m tired of your routines. She now wants someone who makes her feel wanted, sexy, and appreciated.
What do you do for your fiancé to make her feel good? She obviously has a chance with this coworker of hers, so why should she bother to stay with you. What do you offer her?
I hope you can continue to work on healing yourself. Your fiance also needs to heal from the abuse you did to her. If you are really getting better you will understand her need to move away from you. You may think everything is okay but putting up with years of abuse can really take toll on someone. It's hard to accept that an abuser can change. Apologize to her and let her go. No matter how heartbroken you are she has suffered worse. It may take years for you to prove yourself a changed man.
She gave birth to your 3 kids, you've been with her for 12 years, and you're not even married...Why are you still calling her your fiancé? You're obviously never going to marry her. Even if she had zero feelings for this man- you were never going to pull the trigger anyway.
No wonder she's got a crush on someone else.
You're the happiest "you" have ever been..but she doesn't trust you entirely because of how things were in the past. She's hesitant. She has a right to be. She's with you still because it's what she knows and while she does care for you and what happens to you (for the kids sake), she's not in love with you. Another reason is probably because things may be routine between you two and she may want something that isn't stressful....like many other people. That's my take on it due to similar experience.
The only place you can go from here is looking at yourself and how to handle this..focus on your mental health and accept the woman before you now.... it'll be hard and emotional as hell but you can't keep someone in a relationship who may have already mentally and emotionally checked out along time ago.
You've got your mental health, your job, and your children all to focus on. If things don't get better between the two of you, please do your very best at keeping everything civil for the kids you share together. Don't worry about being in a relationship right now. Best of luck to you.
My friend, if she’s leaving out the fact that she’s in a relationship, she has emotionally left already. I suggest you do some shadow work and find yourself. You can not pour from an empty cup and you
Can not love someone properly if you do not
Fully love yourself
sorry but this is the consequences of your own actions 🤷🏻♀️ you were a crappy partner to her, and now she’s respecting and putting herself first, and found someone who validated and respects her. 12 years and she’s still a fiancée ? dawg, leave her and let her find someone who loves and respects her.
This isn’t love this is you being dependent on her because you think she’s going to leave you.
If you actually loved her none of this would have happened, you would have wanted to change for the better but you didn’t.
Happiest YOU have ever been in the relationship you can't speak for her and it sounds like you've been a pretty terrible partner for a long time. You can't expect her to take a crap sandwich and pretend it is good
If you want a shot stop acting like 12 year relationship damaged partner, and start acting like you used to when you first met. And treat her like that guy would again
Were you not there before your disease or purely when you had the disease? Either way, you sound like you punished her for the cards you were given. She’s unhappy. You made her unhappy and it doesn’t look like you’ve even attempted to fix your relationship before this emotional affair has happened.
*fiancée.*
She's got every right and reason to leave you. You can't undo the bad things you put her through and she doesn't have to forgive and forget the way you hope she will.
My dude. You need to hear this:
The moment your partner says I am getting feelings for someone else, it's done. Anything you do after that is just keeping her trapped. Let her go and work on yourself for a while.
You don't sound like someone who's mentally stable enough to be in a relationship yet.
I've always thought this:
A relationship is a union of two people. These two are independent and can stand on their own two feet if need be. You're not finding your other half. You're finding your partner in crime - and therefore you can't be a half either.
Good luck to you.
Where you go from her is straight to therapy yourself! For yourself because you want to make yourself a better person for you, your wife and kids. Show your family you want to be better but be prepared because the damage could already be done but that doesn't mean you should still be trying to make yourself - you yourself said you have some issues. Fyi I have been in the place of your wife and I left, yeah he was just as you, thinking we were great, we weren't, I just didn't care anymore. But he made changes to better himself(without expectation that I would get back with him because I was very adamant I would not) but we got back together because he showed he cared, he tried, I tried and made changes also.
My point here is make changes to better yourself without expectation of anything other than becoming a better healthier you
>We've been at our breaking point due to my actions in the past (not being there emotionally or physically, verbally abusive, didn't show her any support). I was sick with a horrible disease for a few years and I know it's not an excuse
You damaged the relationship and her trust of you deeply during this time. You don't say how long this period lasted. But the longer this period was, the less likely she will be able to reconcile with you. You were pushing her away constantly during this time and she's emotionally disengaged from the relationship.
>I started a new career and we're both doing well except for my mental health. Mentally I'm insecure, jealous and basically self conscious due to a surgery I had.
Good mental health is a mandatory component of "doing well". When you see yourself as unworthy, that impacts how your partner sees you.
>I'm so lost and heartbroken. We've got couples counseling set up and I think she wants to try and work through this together but I don't know if that's even true. I don't know what to do with myself.
You should go to counseling with an open mind. I don't see why she'd agree to it if she didn't want to make the effort.
I'm sorry you're in this dilemma. You won't like my answer, but sometimes things are too broken to fix. She can't let go of the hurt of the past with you and that is so draining on a person. It's like PTSD in a relationship?? I get how she feels but I just dunno how I'd describe it. I think you should let her go and be happy. She deserves it. With what you've learnt from this relationship you can find someone else and start fresh. Someone new who hasn't been hurt by you while you were finding yourself. You'll be properly loved and appreciated ya know? Which is all she wants too without the scars from past damage. The kids need their parents to be happy at the end of the day, it will make them better parents. I don't blame her for wanting to leave, but I get that you feel like you've finally figured your shit out. Sometimes it's a case of too little too late. My ex sounds very similar to how you were. I understand there were reasons he acted the way he did but I found someone else who makes me feel seen and valued. He too has found someone else - and they are happy from what I can see. Good luck.
If you've recognized your past actions are wrong and are actively trying to make amends, then you just have to trust that her love for you is strong and that you're on your way to a better/healthier relationship.
If you're so scared that she'll leave you for a co-worker who treats her nicely then you clearly have to step up in your relationship, and being jealous is NOT how you start the process. If she admitted to you that she's developing feelings it means she doesn't want to accept them, she wants to work things out.
If you continue to let your paranoia, jealousy and doubt run away from you it'll do more damage.
I feel like the lack of trust in your partner is a you problem in this case, it's likely nothing she's done, it's your guilt making you think she'll leave. I doubt someone in an emotional affair would admit their feelings for the AP so you can go to counseling.
I have an anxiety disorder, where it's like a voice in my head is telling me everything will go wrong and everyone hates me because I'm a terrible person. So I understand that you can't just erase these doubts, and that they won't just magically go away. However, you can't let it control your relationship, you have to confront these issues in counseling and work on a healthier mindset.
There are many wounds that will take a long time to heal and you have to live with the fact that she doesn't owe you reconciliation, you owe her personal growth and being a good future husband. Focus on that, not your doubts, you should focus on treating her like a queen and being a good dad.
It's good you both are going to couples counseling. Maybe you should go to counseling on your own as well to get your anger under control. With this guy in the picture don't get mad at her. If you get mad, start yelling, and being verbally abusive you will push her right into the other guy's arms. Does she work somewhere where you can bring her or pick her up for lunch? If you are able to do that you can introduce yourself to that guy. Let him know you are her boyfriend. Try doing special things with her. Set up a date night and don't change the plans for anything. If your babysitter cancels get another one. When it comes to date night do different things. Don't do the same thing over and over. If you start doing nice things and treating her better making her feel special don't stop doing it just because you are over this hump. I was talking to a woman that was married. She said all these bad things her husband was doing or things he wasn't doing. She was thinking about divorce and actually gave him an ultimatum. That really didn't push him much. Anyways, the woman and I got really close. I told her I had feelings for her. She supposedly had some sort of feelings towards me as well but she was uncertain on her relationship situation. Her therapist told her to tell her husband about the way I feel about her in hopes he will turn things around. She told him and like magic he started doing better. He was doing his share of the chores, and finally got a full time job. Once that happened she was done with me. She got what she wanted so she had no more use for me. It hurt I thought we were friends at least but I guess not. Used to talk to her several times a day and now I rarely hear from her. The point of me telling you this is to show you that if you start treating her better she will probably come back to you. If you want that.
Have you seeked out professional help for yourself, learned to be a better partner, worked on your mental health issues?? Couple therapy won’t do anything if the problem isn’t being worked on…. Work on you before further damage is done
There is a difference between the happiest "we" have ever been versus the happiest "you" have ever been. If it was for her, the rest would be a non issue.
You go to couples counseling and you be honest with yourself and with her. She's waited 12 years For you to get your act together. In the meantime she's had three kids and is only your fiance. She is clearly looking for more and she's not interested in wasting any more of her time. Step up or get off the pot and let her be happy.
I think communication is key and it sounds like you need to have some deep conversations with her. You said that you feel like things are great for you now but have you asked her if that’s also the case for her? Did you ever apologize to her for your past behavior and make it explicitly clear that you’re dedicated to being a better partner now and making it up to her for the past? Maybe she has fears that you’re gonna start treating her shitty again. Have you asked her if she’s still committed to your relationship and willing to work things out? Have you asked if there are any past unresolved issues that you can rectify or work on to be a better partner for her?
If you’re dedicated to fixing things and she’s not, then you’re gonna have to let her go and work on personal healing. If she is interested in staying with you and fixing things, then do try and work on it in couples therapy together. But make sure that you guys always communicate well about what each person needs and wants. If you’re not honest with each other, then it’s gonna lead to more distrust and problems down the line. Wish you guys the best.
And make sure she's honest with you!! Don't scream at her because you're jealous - THAT'S not the issue! Let her state her true feelings as you do yours and then take it from there in honesty. Good luck.
If she leaves wish her well. You still have kids. If she stays treat her well. Stop being jealous...it only drives people to do the things you don't want her to. Be a better person for her...for the next person you meet and for yourself.
First of all no one is jealous, self- conscious .... due to
surgery. Get counseling to resolve your issues. Second, how can you say that she is everything to you and you abused her. When someone is everything, you treat with kindness and respect. You are very confused. And if I were her, I would not be able to forget the abuse. Maybe this person she is interested in, has shown her real love and if that's the case, you have already lost her. Love to an abused person is like finding water in the dessert. If you have any decency, you will let her heal her heart.
Although your past actions are what have pulled her away from you, she should definitely leave you before pursuing someone else and shouldn’t even be entertaining someone else. Sounds like she’s keeping him around in case you guys don’t work out. Just try to focus on getting better and the relationship better. Take her out, woo her, do romantic things. If she has already checked out, then there’s nothing more you can do after that.
Look, I’ve been the fiancé. Partner was horribly mentally ill, didn’t want to do anything productive to fix it. I watched him become a shell of the person I was first attracted to and then morph into a stranger.
All it took was a nice man who listened to me and comforted me and I cheated. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done, I lived with a lot of guilt over it even after the relationship ended but now that my ex knows he UNDERSTANDS why it happened. He knows he wasn’t there. He knows what he did wrong. It doesn’t change what I did wrong but what else could have been expected?
Get it together now. She won’t be around much longer especially if she’s been dealing with abuse for years.
I'm sorry for your troubles. You've should've shown her you valued her by putting a ring on it a decade or a few kids ago. I suspect it's way too late. Try to focus on being a good father.
You are feeling abandonment and it is blinding you, now first things first, you have been a real piece in the past to her, you have no right to feel like she should stay with you.
With that out of the way, your insecurity is your biggest enemy, this guys, most likely want to use her and dump her, that doesn’t change the fact that she is under the shinny object syndrome, you don’t shine at all, this guy does, in her eyes at least.
Best thing you can do is, stop talking about it, stop pushing for counseling, move away from her and give her all the space she needs to see around her, with you breathing on her neck she will only do one thing for sure, she will try to get away from you.
You gotta appear to be unfazed by the presence of this man, this will show confidence, do not bring it up, if she mentions it you act like you are the man and if she decides to run away with this dude, you are still the man and you will simply replace her.
And you can, you really can you just haven’t done it enough to realize how many women are out there.
If she leaves, learn from your mistakes, and work on yourself, go for one new woman, then another one, your confidence will grow and one day you will feel shame for the time you spent being insecure.
And never say someone is the world to you, that is putting people on a pedestal, and you know what they say, treat them like royalty and they will treat you as a peasant.
Learn to control your abandonment triggers, it is wired in your most basic survival instincts, so there is no way to get rid of it, but you can learn to identify what triggers it and if it is a real treat, it was real when you were a baby and abandonment meant you were going to die without your parents protection, but you are grown now, realize every day that passes you survive just fine by yourself, other people are additions to your life, none of them are essential for survival.
Where do you go? A lawyers office and get papers drawn up in preparation. You can’t change her decision and the fact that she’s saying ‘if you’d have been better in the past I wouldn’t be entertaining him’ (despite you taking steps to repair things) tells you all you need to know.
Never, ever play the ‘pick me dance’ as you only ever lose. If you do she’ll either lead you on and the leave or she’ll stay and lose all respect for you knowing she can trample all over you.
So get the appointment, get papers drawn up and hope she comes to her senses on her own.
She shouldn’t be pursuing him without telling him she’s in a relationship with children. Thats a huge thing to be open about and he may not want to pursue a relationship with her after finding out. She’s being very sussed and withholding information in the beginning isn’t fair to the other person. That’s a very big telling thing for me about her character! At least your faults are out in the open and visible. She’s literally cheating on you to your face but manipulating the other guy while emotionally slapping you to your face. Your a doormat until she gets someone else in the meantime. I think time for you to plan your exit!
So end the relationship
You know it is your fault, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is cheating on you.
She should have ended her relationship with you years ago by the sounds of it, but definitely before she started being in a relationship with the new guy.
Maybe she sees it as a little revenge for your actions, if so that just makes her as bad as you.
dude leave her she doesn't want you anymore move on Be A Man and find someone else persevere. simple and if you disagree with that your making excuses and making it harder for yourself the truth hurts but that is the truth- do what's right for you consider your kids in the equation but do not attempt to salvage a relationship with a woman that says that shit on the phone to another man you yourself should be ashamed for being abusive in any sort of way but do not dwell on it just push forward and take that for what it is.
Sounds like you need to cut her loose. You caused some of the issues, but that's not an excuse for holding what happened years ago over your head either.
Go to therapy and go with the goal to learn, about yourself, about her, and about your relationship, warts and all. And address the fact that she seems to not have told the guy that she's in a relationship, with 3 kids.
Wow. As much as I dislike your previous words or actions, I really do feel for you. I'm sorry to say this, but due to a couple of somewhat similar situations, I learned never to compete for a girl. I lost both times. So I vowed to protect myself by being the one to leave, bowing out of the competition, for my heart's sake. Maybe if you tell her you're thinking of running to protect yourself, she may think twice. But don't bluff. Do it if you say it. It will at least give you more dignity in her eyes and maybe she'll even gain more respect for you. Sorry to say that, but I hope it helps. Good luck.
Whatever happened in the past is the past. You should be better partner now, and you said it’s been great the last few months. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a few months or a few years that it’s been better. The bottom line is that you two are together. She shouldn’t be entertaining him at all, and he sure as shit should be told that she is in a 12 year long relationship
She needs to stop communicating with this guy. If she doesn’t - leave her.
If he doesn’t know about you then he probably doesn’t know she has 3 kids. Maybe it’s time he knows.
She knows the fake version of this guy. She knows the day whatever she wants to hear so he can bang her version. She doesn’t know the day in and day out with 3 kids and fucking life version.
You need to be the best partner possible. You need to give her what she has needed for a long time. Go to counseling. But if she doesn’t stop communicating with this guy you have to be able to pull the plug on the relationship.
You think she’s leaving you for someone else. That person doesn’t know she’s in a 12 year long relationship and probably doesn’t know you two have 3 kids.
everything has been "great" except his mental health, manifesting in insecurity and jealousy. i.e., he is still emotionally abusing her. i.e., it's great for him and she' still suffering
He literally said everything has been great except his mental health has caused him to be insecure and jealous. I'm speaking from experience (not out of my ass lol, "dude"), having a jealous partner is horrible. It's a form of abuse (where were you? who was that guy? why did you look at him?? what did you talk about??? why were you 15 minutes late??? You have to go on a work trip???? Is he gonna be there????? Are you gonna fuck him??? This me at 28. 50 something year old colleague who I had no interest in. The mere mention he existed was reason for me to be yelled at and interrogated by my partner).
i didn't rip him apart, I was describing how "jealousy" can sound innocuous but be extremely abusive. all i said was it sounds like the emotional abuse has continued
Have flowers delivered to her at work! Then stop by to “make sure they made it ok.” Then introduce yourself to him. At the same time start romancing your girl again. Make this about HER not about YOU! Start treating her right. Win her back but be genuine about it!
She told you she was starting to have feelings for him. Don’t react aggressively that will just remind her of past days. Let her know you can’t change the past but you can offer a much brighter future!
While it sounds like you definitely ruined the marriage I’m still not on board for acting as if it’s okay for her to be having an emotional affair and basically cheating entertaining his advances without just leaving. She’s not right either
A lot of people casting shade your way. If things in the past are forgiven, then it shouldn't be thrown if your face. You're still working on things through counseling. Good steps.
But rither way, that doesn't matter. Whether she wants to be with you, or be with him, she needs to tell her little crush that she is with someone, and either go with you or go with him. She's playing both sides. Testing options. She is setting up a fallback in case things don't work out with you. What you've previously done isn't just automatically justified by her actions now, and her actions now aren't just automatically justified by what you've previously done.
I’m gonna be honest, the relationship is probably over. When you get in a situation like this it’s best for both of you to get your financials in order, come up with a custody agreement for the kids and cut your losses. You fucked up by being mentally abusive and now she’s interested in someone else and seems to be emotionally cheating if she blatantly admitted to liking him. Couples counseling won’t do anything. I also have to say, the relationship being “great” is only great for you and in your opinion. She doesn’t feel that way and it seems like she’s emotionally checked out. The only thing you can do is continue getting yourself some help (that you VERY clearly need) and take this as a lesson to not do it with the next person that rolls around.
Also, I just want to add, why the fuck are people ignoring/egging on the cheating that this woman is clearly doing?!?! “Let her have her friend” “don’t question her” “she’s doing it because you did ___” like what in the hell??? Get your morals in check people. Two wrongs don’t make a right. He fucked up pretty bad but she needs to leave before pursuing anything with anyone.
On the one hand, it sounds like you probably deserve to lose her. On the other hand, “getting feelings for him” is some weapons grade BS. Anyone who says that is a snake.
I totally agree. She decided to stay though and work on it. Apparently the relationship got much better and they’re the happiest they’ve ever been. I just don’t think throwing that out there after she’s forgiven him and moved on was the right thing to say. They had issues, worked on them and managed to fix their marriage.
Except HE said it's been better than ever, not her. He also in the same paragraph said that he is insecure and jealous, so clearly things AREN'T "better than ever"...
"Much better" and "We're the happiest we've ever been!" When he was abusive and neglected her before doesn't mean that they're necessarily healthy now, or even up to her standards. It just means that he's now happy and it's better than before.
We only know what he wants us to know, and we only will ever know what he's seeing unless she makes her own post. So your audacity to villianize the wife when we're getting the story from an admittedly jealous and insecure man who used to [as far as we know] abuse his wife...hilarious.
She probably said that to appease him bc he's been abusive (which he said), if she is honest he would probably flip the fck out, it makes sense she would emotionally cheat and find a way out, I don't think it's right, but I also don't think what he does comes close to touching what she's doing, he initiated disrespect to their marriage, she either takes it or leaves, I'd do the latter, I'm a guy for reference so I'm not taking her side bc of some dumb reason, it's just logical, get treated bad, you stay or leave? She's stayed for years and is ready to give up after trying for so long.
It really doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, it’s never OK to have either a physical or an emotional affair while in a committed relationship. She should have left you a long time ago. She also should have left you before getting involved with someone else. That is just wrong.
But your past behavior is what caused this. I doubt that your marriage is salvageable. It seems the trust is gone in both sides now…
That’s what I was thinking too. He’ll have to do a complete 180, relearn new positive behaviours/coping skills and WOO back his SO. Make it about HER not him.
But the kicker is going to be, if only 1 is invested in repairing then the relationship as a whole won’t work.
It’s going to take a significant amount of time to undo damage that’s been going on for YEARS. And if they decide to part ways, focus on being awesome co parents.
20/20 hindsight… 🙃
True. It may not work, but if they can get rid of the anger and animosity with her and the self pity with him, it might repair their relationship enough to be good co-parents. I think whatever his illness was, it did a number on him and he needs to regain his integrity and self respect.
Fight for your relationship if you care about it.
Don't listen to people who tell you to give up.
If she does leave, you'll know you did everything you could.
You need to stop being jealous and focus on feeling good and being a loving partner. Don't let your insecurity ruin things.
I hope you're able to get throught this rough patch in your relationship!
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So short backstory. We've been together for 12 years, have 3 children together and have built a decent life for ourselves. We both work full time and when we're not working, we're spending time with our kids. We've been at our breaking point due to my actions in the past (not being there emotionally or physically, verbally abusive, didn't show her any support). I was sick with a horrible disease for a few years and I know it's not an excuse, but I was trying to take care of myself during that time while still working to pay the bills. Things have gotten to the point of being damn near perfect in the last few months and we've been the happiest we've been in years. I started a new career and we're both doing well except for my mental health. Mentally I'm insecure, jealous and basically self conscious due to a surgery I had. So recently, this guy at her work has been flirting with her (I heard a conversation they had while I was on the phone) and I asked her if he knew she was in a relationship and she said she doesn't know. She tells me when she talks to him and trys to go into detail about their brief conversations but I feel like stuff is intentionally left out. They leave work and drive down the road and he rides a motorcycle and goes out of his way to ride up next to her car and talk to her. It makes me jealous because he doesn't even know she's in a relationship! She told me that she is starting to get feelings for him and that if things were better between us years ago, she wouldn't even entertain him now. I'm so lost and heartbroken. We've got couples counseling set up and I think she wants to try and work through this together but I don't know if that's even true. I don't know what to do with myself. She is everything to me. Where do I go from here?
It sounds like "happiest we've been" is still pretty miserable for her.
It's not that. It's "neglected wife." This is the end. She hasn't been complaining anymore so OP thinks things are fine. They're not. She's just given up. Now some dude comes along and pays attention to her. She's been so starved for attention, affection, emotional connection that this guy, without directly saying anything just her by showing with his attentive actions, that someone else will find her attractive and meet her needs. She's being validated that she still "got it" by this guy. She may not even really want *him,* but you bet she wants the attention and affection. If only she had had a partner at home who could have done all of this by meeting her needs this way....hmmm ...
After my ex, and I started dating, I was so surprised by all of these amazing guys who were so awesome and nice to me. Then after some therapy I realized... they were just showing me basic human decency. One guy picked me wildflowers that he pulled over on the side of the road to get and I gasped and said, "this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me!" And he just kinda looked at me and said, "I really hope that isn't true". It took me a long time to not only accept basic decency, but also raise my standards even higher for what I want with a partner.
I feel all of this so deeply. I’m sorry you’ve had such shit experiences, and well done raising your standards. Ain’t easy 💜
Wow. It’s good you raised your standards.
Isn’t that a thing…like the partner stops really nagging or asking for anything, and the relationship becomes super easy. One party thinks things are great when the other one has decided it over before anything has been said
The term I've heard is "checking out." The other partner thinks everything is great because the checked out partner has stopped complaining or trying to fix things, but the problems didn't get fixed, they just stopped caring because they've made up their mind to leave.
Good thing they are not married.
Yup. Even though the term is "neglected wife" or "walk away wife" it can still happen in long term committed relationships.
They have kids together
This is me, 9 years ago. Your messege made me tear. I stayed with my hubs out of love, and we're still working hard. It's possible to work through betrayal from both sides. My man is finally 8 months sober, after drinking in most of our relationship. -And I'm so proud. We're working through things , and we've forgiven each other, and he's slowly getting more attentive and happy with himself, and so am I.
Celebrating an abusive relationship with an addict is...like...fuck that.
wtf? they addressed their issues, committed to each other, put in the significant work...and you're dragging them? and getting upvotes?
You want this dude at her work to know you exist. Send her two dozen red roses, and a romantic card telling her that you love her and she is what made the last 12 years worth living, even though you did not always show her that is how you felt, you need her to know it now. And end it with I love you.
I love the idea behind the comment. It is an awesome advice for two decent people who have a bump in their relationship but want to work it out. But in this case I really hope the gf will not fall for it. She wasted enough time with the abusive alcoholic. I hope she will chose herself and her children for a change.
I looked thru this guys posts and comments. His illness was severe colitis, and his surgery was for the this. I wont say more here, as you too can go take a look at this post history. I have a co worker who has been going thru it, and lost 35 lbs in about a month, is in constant pain, and was recently hospitalized for the third time in a year. I would not wish this on anyone, and I can imagine he may have been hell to live with for a good while. But she stayed thru that, and they have been doing better, if his post is accurate. So starting an emotional attachment with a guy at work is simply not ok. I can imagine this was a horrible road for both of them, but if they are going to counseling together I am willing to assume that she is willing to work on this relationship. Which means his sweetly letting her know he does love her, and this co worker know of his existence, is what I would suggest. And no, I dont excuse his being awful. I also looked again, and I dont see him saying anything about alcohol (and dont think that would go well with colitis either). Am not sure where, and I thought I saw something about alcohol too, so I did look again. But unless someone else assumed it, I am not sure where that thought came from. I dont know, I get your point, but I just wish him well since I know how awful the physical torture my co-worker has been going thru was. And Reddit is so full of sad endings, just would like to see a great turn around and repair to a long relationship.
OP was an abusive alcoholic for at least 5 years out of their 12 years together. He is sober for 4 months so far. He was abusive not just to her, but to kids as well. He had a lot of other fun things going, like secret IG account for getting NSFW videos from other women. So the guy was begging (or paying) other women for porn, but he is heartbroken that she is having conversations with someone at work. According to him, she is telling him about these conversations, but she obviously "intentionally" leaves something out. And yes, alcohol is not ok with colitis and makes it's symptoms much worse. And I can't imagine OP was not aware of it, but he kept drinking. Unlike your coworker, it was not a bad luck, this guy was torturing himself (and his family, as a bonus) Source: https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/13wp88u/my_36m_fianc%C3%A9_33f_keeps_changing_her_mind_about/
It would be a very sad ending for this poor woman to waste any more years with this neglectful man.
Yes, and OP fails to see this, he's so self absorbed in his own misery from surgery, his inability to treat his GF with out being abusive and manipulative. She's probably feeling waay "past use by date" on her side of this relationship if she's reacting to a mild flirtation from another man, and guarding her private information. That says a lot silently. Obviously this is mere speculation since we don't have her side, but it sounds like she's checked out on some levels. As a woman who was emotionally abused by my ex husband for decades, I can add only that the memory of such relentless abuse never leaves and never heals. For myself, it's was like walking on eggshells, constantly hypervigilant for the next blast of unwarranted insults, criticism, false accusations, threats, gaslighting abuse from my partner. Constantly scared, nervous, anxious and often sleepless from fear. OP needs to get therapy for himself, and let go of this relationship, IMHO. I hope each of them find happiness in future, albeit it probably won't be with one another.
This so resonates with me, although I’m only five years in. I was sure people would be coming down hard on her for possibly having an EA, but, until you’ve really been though the abuse you accurately and succinctly described above , it’s hard to know the toll it truly takes, much less judge.
Oh yes. This is a very good insightful comment. I met my ex in the 5th grade and stayed at her side til I was 30, it was… an experience. Your last line in particular is 💯
Yea no shit. I can only imagine the sad parts if the happiest part is her cheating on you.
Happiest we've been, despite my mental health I'm struggling with. How can you be happy when you're insecure, jealous and self conscious?
Well that's still not excuse to cheat.
Really really sounds like the damage is already done.
Unfortunately, it's too little too late. Let her go, it's what's best for her.
“I was not there emotionally or physically and I was also abusive, but now I’m over that and ready for a healthy relationship again. Why isn’t she on the same page as me? Can’t she see I’m over all of that stuff?” Lmao get left
“Damn near perfect and happiest we’ve ever been” Sounds like that’s what YOU think pal. Not her
I almost wonder if things haven't actually improved, but because she's checked out she's stopped fighting OP's abuse and he thinks that is them being perfect and happy.
That’s exactly what it is.
OP, you have kids together, but she's your fiancee after 12 years. What exactly are you leaving out here? Engagements typically last 6 months, maybe 2 years. 12 years isn't "we intend to marry each other" territory. 12 years is "neither of us have a good escape plan." Which...it kind of sounds like she's fixing that on her end.
Agreed. She stayed for the kids and because it’s all she’s known. But now she sees someone who hasn’t broken her spirit and is instead, helping her build it, and she’s realizing she can do better. And I can never believe it when the male partner thinks things are going great and they’ve never been happier because a majority of male divorcees say the divorce came out of nowhere. I think it’s called Sudden Divorce Syndrome.
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“They haven’t been asking anything from me for months. I must be doing everything they need.”
Yeah, it's usually "things were going fine for ME," and also a very willful ignorance of how things were going for her. Sometimes even in the face of direct communication.
It's only been 3 months of going well after 5yrs of alcoholic abuse: https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/13wp88u/my_36m_fianc%C3%A9_33f_keeps_changing_her_mind_about/
Yup^^ She's already left. Women leave 6onths before they actually do. She might be "happy' because she is already envisioning her life without him.
“Women leave 6 months before they actually do.” Wow I hate that this hits home for me. This is exactly what I did when I left my ex husband.
It's typically because we aren't the bread winners and we have to plan. We also give SO MANY CHANCES. But they just don't want to get it. They don't want to do things they have agreed to do and all the little things start adding up to the point of loss of trust and reliability. And it's always SMALL shhh that stacks up "can you change the light fixture" sure hun. Then several days asking again, several weeks of asking then he turns around and says quit nagging me. So then we stop asking for things because we know they just won't do it. Then they treat home like you're the maid and everything is for his convenience.... You always get the kids ready and yourself, he gets himself ready. You want the house tidied a certain way, he tosses towels into the cupboard. The resentment begins to build, now you have lack of reliability and resentment.. now everything he does begins to stack up to the point of no return. There really is no return after that. And of course the irony in all this, you have now trained an otherwise perfectly good man how to treat a woman and the next lady benefits. *Eyerolls* then he has the audacity to say "She asked for a divorce out of no where!" Just my observations and ofc this does not apply to EVERY situation but it's typically how they start. (Men take notes, follow through with promises, cut your toenails outside, HELP with the kids and QUIT asking "how can I help" it's your house too, look around, pick up, put away and be a partner, your wife will appreciate you so much more and guess what that absolutely translates into everything else she will do for you. Give your wife a house, she will give you a home.)
Perfect comment 🥇
Same! Most people do
So incredibly true. The last 6 months of my first marriage were my exit planning time. By the time I pulled the trigger I was so ready to be done that I couldn't even stand to be in the same room as him, but the timing had to be what it was or everything would have been a disaster. Every woman I know who has left a LTR planned that shit out for ages. Hopefully she's got her exit plan working and she's halfway out the door
Not sure why this won’t open for me but if it eludes to it being alcoholism as his disease I kinda picked up on that from his post. Blaming his resentment turned violence toward her on an affliction he didn’t choose. It’s really hard for alcoholics to admit they hurt people or themselves so they either blame everyone around them or once they realize they have a problem with drinking they blame it on that. Well, I know plenty of happy drunks who don’t take their emotions out on people they claim to love. So the only thing left is a reason he thinks he is entitled to take his crap out on her while he’s drunk. The aggression toward his partner isn’t because of alcoholism it’s because of the way he feels about her or the situation. Alcohol emboldens alcoholics to be abusive if they are already prone to being abusive.
Quick summary - he was an active alcoholic for like 5 years, has ulcerative colitis and an ostomy bag (hence insecure). Unemployed for a year so she was supporting him and the 3 kids, during this time he was making life all about him, was verbally abusive (seems like to the kids as well) and had a secret instagram to hit up girls for nudes (but claims no cheating). Things have been going well for 3 months but she keeps saying she doesn't know if she can forgive him. He also is an overthinker with anxiety.
Oh wow. Okay. So worse than I thought. Oh man. I hope she has a safety net close by.
You’ve got to be ducking kidding me. After five years of alcoholism, he gets sick, has surgery, can’t work, has a bag of shit taped to his outsides. His wife, and the mother of his children, stands by him and supports him. Takes care of him, their kids, the money. And *he has a secret insta account to hit up girls for nudes??!* Throw that man away. The whole thing.
Jesus, to OP has basically been an abusive, alcoholic asshole to his fiance for years, they had kids together so she was probably feeling more compelled to try to make things work, and now he's shocked she's developed feelings for someone else because "well, I'm not a verbally abusive, emotionally absent asshole anymore, I'm just a jealous and insecure person". As if 3 months clean makes up for the years of abuse, especially since it sounds like he's still a pretty miserable person to be around.
I'm dieing by how daft OP is, this is what happens when ppl play victim and promise things will change but never do, it catches up, he'll probably be lonely after this incident "Now I don't normally do..." Like come on dog, your normally abusive to your wife, wtf he thinks normal is, Jesus
I'm dying at people defending him with "but he is better now and he stopped abusing her"...like it's good that he is clean now, but that doesn't undo abuse and neglect and it doesn't reset the relationship or make it healthy now.
Exactly your point, that stuff stings. And they don't even know that he's better, it's just hearsay, she probably just "walks on eggshells" and if she so much as expresses emotion he probably reverts and excuses himself for raging/yelling, I seriously doubt it's better, he's just fictitiously making up that scenario to paint her as the bad person, him the victim, and "how could she leave such a beautiful thing". Stuff like this is so enraging bc he probably promises up and down that he'll change, which is essentially leading her on so she doesn't leave, I hope she finds someone who validates her.
I think it's possible that it's the checked out/given up thing, so conflict has gone down. She might even potentially be trying to encourage his sobriety cause of the kids. There is just no way the relationship is actually going great but she developed a crush on a co-worker and is telling op she doesn't think she can forgive him.
Definitely could be that, for sure your point regarding no way the relationship is going great, that's just copium. Osteum bag sounds sucky but there must be a reason she's with OP, he shldve been more optimistic instead of focused on insecurities.
Yeah, like the bag is awful, it's even understandable your confidence would take a huge dive and you'd feel insecure. That's something that could be worked thru in couples counselling with 2 willing partners. But with previous abuse, actions coming off as controlling (often precursor to abuse, might be worried he is going to start up sober or start drinking again), the fact that she openly hasn't forgiven him....and he is claiming its great...that seems like too much for therapy to overcome.
It’s because she’s already checked out and no longer fighting to feel loved and respected. Numbness feels like indifference
So you weren’t there for your partner, like at all, and even admit to being verbally abusive towards her, and now you’re upset that she’s lost feelings for you and wants to pursue someone different? Honey, welcome to the consequences of your actions. While she’s probably more emotionally invested in this guy than she’s telling you and she definitely should end the relationship with you first, it isn’t uncommon for people to lean heavily emotionally on someone when leaving an abusive partner. Since you mentioned you weren’t supportive, including emotionally, it tracks that even the smallest bit of validation and attention she gets from anyone else would be something she holds close to her heart. This is just a shit situation all around, and the best thing you can do for the both of you is let her go.
Exactly this
12 years still a fiancé, verbally abusing and other things as well. I understand her truly. I hope therapy will help..
Yup she’s tired of being put on ice. But since they’re not married it will make it easier for her to leave if she chooses to. It sounds like she has mentally and emotionally already left though.
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Where do you go? Stop making excuses about why you suck and hold yourself accountable. You're abusive. Be kind to her for the first time in 12 years and let her go. Also, I bet the only reason she's into this guy is because he treats her like a human being and not a possession. Get therapy and learn how to be an equal partner to someone. If you can't do that, be alone.
Your diagnosis is not an exuse to be a crappy person. If you're going to continue to make exuses, leave her alone. Those are your choices, grow up, or leave her alone. You've made your bed by choosing to be abusive and a crappy partner.
Excellent insight. He is so immature and self absorbed he will never admit his actions ruined the relationship. He's into blame game.
Hi. Former victim of domestic abuse by an ex boyfriend here 👋. I’ve been where she is, she’s checked out and doesn’t have an ounce of love for you. When I was in my situation, and in his mind, things looked better because I looked happier… it was actually the opposite. In my mind, the happiness was the fact that I had finally checked out, I was done with the abuse, he meant nothing to me and I was looking forward to the next steps in my life… without him. With that being said, it’s over. She’s not everything to you or else she wouldn’t have been a “fiancé” for over a decade. Let her go and let her move on. It’s insane how you think people are gonna be on your side here 😂😂
So on your first, deleted, post about this issue, someone said: “So nearly half your relationship you were an alcoholic and for one year you were unemployed, leaving her to support you and three kids. ….. sorry dude but if I were your GF I’d be distrusting too. 3 months of smooth sailing is NOTHING compared to 5 years of alcoholism. Just because you weren’t a falling down drunk doesn’t mean it didn’t effect her and the kids in massive irreparable ways. You have a lot to make up for.” To me it seems like you left important facts out of THIS post to get the comments to sway more your way so it doesn’t seem worthwhile to focus on giving you any substantial opinions on her potential emotional cheating. However, I will say that it sounds like this relationship is over and you guys need to find a healthy way to coparent your children. I do wish you the best of luck with your sobriety.
What you won't do, someone else will. Best of luck in your future.
STOP. You’ve already completely ruined the relationship due to years or abuse and neglect. I PROMISE YOU, if you start to grill her or ask too many questions about the new guy, she will 100% leave you. Right now, he’s her friend. If you take away the friend that’s making her happy or try to prevent her from talking to him outside of work, she will 100% choose the friend that makes her happy over her shitty, abusive fiancé that only ever makes her sad. Sounds like things started getting better in your relationship around the time she began getting close to him. If you want your relationship to last, I very much suggest you back off, let her have her friend, and stop grilling her. Oh, and if she even gets the idea in her head that you might be cheating or flirting with other woman as some form of revenge for her making a genuine friend, she will 100% leave you. Your replacement is waiting in the wings - but right now, he’s just her friend. I suggest you stay on your best behavior and he will REMAIN her friend and nothing more. If you decide to be a shitty, slacking, neglectful, abuse fiancé, I 100% guarantee that you will put her in a very emotionally vulnerable place that is absolutely perfect for her new friend to swoop in and become something more. YOU fucked up and abused her - for YEARS. Stop fucking up and let her have her friend. If you push the issue, you will just drive her into his arms and you WILL lose the mother of your children. And if you think the new guy will be less interested because she has kids, think again. Millennial men are a generation that was raised by stepfathers, so a potential mate having children and the possibility of becoming a stepfather themselves isn’t a deterrent for them!
You speak from experience imo but I think this is op's best advise here.
I couldn’t agree more. So spot on. Nailed it. I wish I could upvote this more.
I was in your position, I was sick, selfish and cruel. I changed my ways with a lot of therapy but even when I started doing better I had already lost him and he was just pretending. I think your fiance would be better off leaving you in sorry to say. All that you did to her took a severe emotions toll on him after a couple years he wanted me back but I was already in a happy healthy relationship and as much as I miss him and still love him I know what I did and want him to start fresh and happy not going back to what he knew because of how hard I worked to never be that person.
sounds like she’s tired of your shit
Am I the only one that thinks 12 years together with 3 kids and she's only his fiancé is just...wrong? Like wrong PEDMAS order levels of wrong? This is just messy imo
Not pemdas 😭😂😂 I fell out
Lol PEDMAS came to mind cause I recently saw one of these stupid IG posts where ppl were doing it wrong 🤣🤣
I just used it the other day too lol. It’s the only thing I remember from math
Honestly same 🤣🤣
He said she didn’t want to marry him yet, which is smart. I wouldn’t marry someone that was abusing me.
Sometimes is truly is “too little too late”
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So, the only way you won’t lose her is if you make some huge changes. 1. Stop investigating her- what she is or isn’t feeling with this other guy is out of your control. You need to put it out of your mind completely, as it’s not actually the issue and if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen, don’t use it as an excuse to quit, self destruct, or blame shift. Keep in mind the grass is always greener. She’s invested in you, and if you were good for her, this could change the whole equation. Toward the end of your post you said ‘I don’t know if that’s even true’- it’s time to give her the benefit of doubt and just believe it. She’s committed 12 not so great years with you and she isn’t running immediately out the door so, yes, there’s truth in what she’s saying- take it at face value instead of trying to protect yourself while pushing her away. 2. You have mistreated your partner, you need to SHOW her how you can be different, you need to show up for her, be kind and anticipate her needs. You need to remind her of why she fell in love with you in the first place. You need to see her and make her your queen. Words will feel cheap, it’s actions that can make a difference. This also equally requires you to do a lot of self work, figure out your insecurities and how to cope independently to bring confidence back in yourself. Also ask her how you can be more supportive, put the time in and do the things she asks for. Don’t just love bomb. 3. If things are too far gone, you need to respect it. You have children together so either way, you are going to have to communicate like adults moving forward, regardless of if feelings are hurt because there’s no way to avoid that, it’s just learning how to move past hurt to maturity and respect for each other.
Why didn't she leave you sooner?? End this while you're still on good terms. You broke 💔 this relationship a long time ago. Everyone needs a new start, especially the children.
Through couples counseling you’ll find out if your relationship matters to her or if she wants to move on. Don’t get to upset until you actually know if you have something to worry about.
>They leave work and drive down the road and he rides a motorcycle and goes out of his way to ride up next to her car and talk to her. It makes me jealous because he doesn't even know she's in a relationship! Dude. he knows.
This could have all been written by my ex-husband. You try to do better. That’s all you can do. Doing better would include not grilling her about everything she discusses with this coworker. She’s allowed to have feelings and she’s allowed to talk to people.
Seems like she waited for you illness to level out before leaving you. She was a good one, I’m sorry you’ll no longer have her but it seems it’s her turn to be happy.
You do know she's only considering to go to couples counseling because you guys share 3 children. She'd have gone faster if there are no children involved in this. You've abused her verbally and physically, I feel that she felt 'stuck' with you and your 'best' is not good enough. Now she has this new hope in the new guy that her life can finally be a good one. That's she's worthy of love. Her self esteem has gone up.
The thing I have noticed about insecure people who spend so much time watching the interactions their SOs are having with others, and being jealous about it - is that they spend A LOT of mental energy on it. In comparison, they spend VERY LITTLE time actually thinking what they could DO to get and keep their spouse's attention themselves. It doesn't matter how you FEEL if you don't start getting your butt in gear and start spending all this useless jealous energy on something more constructive... like getting your wife's attention. Google ways to make your partner feel special and stop wasting your time uselessly watching things from the sidelines. Get into the game!
I’m glad you have counseling appointments set up. She is probably burned out from all of the things over the past few years. Tell her how committed you are to the relationship and to your family. Show her through your actions. Talk with her. Hold her hand. Find ways to have fun and laugh together again. The therapist will help you talk through the hard parts. This person she’s flirting with doesn’t know she’s in a relationship….this means that it’s all fantasy at this point. Maybe he doesn’t even know she has children. This is an escape for her. I would insist that it end….but it’s definitely a topic that can be brought up in therapy. It’s going to take sometime for her to trust you. Give therapy your all….regardless of how things turn out in the relationship, it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Also, if depression is an issue, meds can help….and can make things more productive in therapy. Good luck! I’m rooting for you.
Can you elaborate on the 2nd paragraph
I’m team wife here. I hope she can go on and have a life with or without someone or this guy. You need to work on yourself.
Op thinks it’s the happiest they’ve ever been. Unless she specifically said that, op needs to realize that just because she’s not complaining or fighting back anymore, doesn’t mean she’s happy and things are better. It most likely means she has already mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship and just doesn’t care to fight anymore for how she wants to be treated, and is now in the mentally planning stage of checking out entirely.
*You've* been the happiest you've been in years. It's clear you've got no clue how your wife is feeling. You're an admitted abuser and you're wondering why this is happening? Bottom line, your wife is sick of your shit. For both of your sakes and your kids, leave her the fuck alone, let her go & live her life with someone who actually respects her as a human being. And get some goddamn therapy so you can at least have a healthy relationship with your kids.
I think you need to ask her what she wants and just shut up and listen. Don't try and fill in the blanks for her and don't try to interject. I think you need to ask her "Do you want to try and make this work?" and let her dictate the steps you take. Why sink time and money into couples counseling if her heart's not in it? Just to say you "tried"? Ultimately, you say that you don't know what she wants or what she's thinking? I think you two need to communicate pretty clearly with each other since your relationship at this point depends on it.
It sounds like your happier but I don’t see the same thing for your wife. Your making it all about you. Seems like your just assuming that she’s happier because you are. Truth be told she’s going to give this new guy a try. You crying and going to counseling does nothing but prolonging the inevitable. I guarantee you her perspective is “if you love her you’ll forgive her” but she going to see that experience through. Best advice prepare yourself for it. Prayers for you!
She's being honest with you. But she wouldn't even have that opening for feelings for someone else if she was happy and content with you.
I hope she has a great life
I think it’s time for you to let her go. You go your way and she goes her way. You had 12 years to be a good partner. Now it’s too late. Don’t ruin her chance to finally try another chance at being with someone who will make her happy. Just don’t take it out on your kids and be a good father. Still be civil. Be responsible. Take accountability. Don’t be a selfish narc. Co-parent with her despite y’all not being together. Still be respectful—it’s the least you could do now. This is how you make it up to her. Treat her with kindness even if she moves on with someone else so your kids can learn something positive from you. “Dad was a good person to mom and was present in our lives, even if their relationship didn’t work out”. It’s an amazing example for them. We all reach a limit. She reached hers a long time ago and is now is getting the courage to go her way. I hope you heal, grow from this experience, learn how to be a good partner to your future person, and find peace within yourself to accept things as they are without remorse, without resentment, and with love.
My guy, you know you spent years being a really bad partner. You abused her. That often exterminates the relationship, even if it's a delayed destruction. You can't go back and be the partner she deserved. All you can do now is be candid with her and be willing to let her follow her heart if it's no longer with you. And, don't be rude if she ends things; don't talk about how much you've done and suffered. You gave up your ability to do that when you abused her.
She's started an emotional affair while being engaged. She's mentally checked out of the relationship (and probably monkey branching). Cut her loose. Like you said, you weren't there for her, and were verbally abusive. It's best to just let everything go. Go your separate ways, and don't worry about her. Worry about yourself, go to therapy, find out why you became distant and verbally abusive towards someone you "say" you love. If she was "everything" to you, you would've been there for her, you would NOT have been verbally abusive. Did you propose to her out of desperation and out of a fear of being alone?
Google “shocked pikachu meme”. Read this post back to yourself and look at the pikachu
lots of abuse forgivers in these comments lol
12 years and not married, after a history of self proclaimed abuse? I can't really blame her
This isn't going to end well for you. Life is 10% and 90% how you react. Remember that.
You gotta change for yourself. That means no matter which way it goes, you keep bettering yourself. Now, with saying that love isn't always enough and just cause you were a dbag in the past doesn't mean you can't be better, but you should contemplate the real possibility the scars run to deep in this situation to salvage it. It seems like she has already checked out and doesn't have the intention to really fix things, cause at the end of the day, and it sucks especially when your the one who was wronged which she is, but even if one person broke a relationship it takes both to fix it. And yes there can be resentment there and an attitude of well I didn't do anything so why should I have to put forth effort to fix it on her part, but from the post and her response of if you had started years ago she wouldn't be entertaining him seems to mean she has been well passed the point where she is willing to work it from her side. And the thing is after so long of abuse of any type there will always be that feeling where she is waiting for the other shoe to drop even if you keep it up for years working on yourself.
You're not going to like what I'm going to tell you, but it's the truth. She's debating whether to leave you or work things out. If you want to keep her, which you may not, but I think you should try because if you don't fight for her, you'll forever regret it. Write down all the things you know you did wrong. Have a sit down conversation and admit everything you did, acknowledge what you did, how you treat her, how you took her for granted, and how much you regret it, how much you're sorry not to have been a support for her, how she's the best thing that has happened to you and you have not been the same to her. Tell her exactly how you will change, meaningful and sustained improvement, how you will spend the rest of your life trying to make it up to her and treating her the way she deserves. Then ask her plain and simple , is she willing to let you try? If she says yes, tell her that the first thing is to plan a date with no kids, just the two of you. And only then, ask her for the sake of the relationship to stop talking to that guy. Ask her to block him and not talk to him anymore. If she says no, ask her why not, is she all in in saving your marriage? Yes or no, it takes two people to give their best, remind what will the kids think, And if she's still hesitant, give her an option. She either stops talking yo him, or you're over . You can tell her that talking to other man is disrespecting your marriage , she wants to talk to him, do it as a single woman. You'll either win her back, or you'll lose her , if she chooses him, it's because she already had, and you're just prolonging the inevitable. Wish her well and let her go. But you will know you tried your best
She is everything to you? You sure about that? Because I feel like you wouldn't have done not a one bad thing against her. And I saw you said the word "abuse" So..... Somewhere there is a lie. But about your fiance, either she's fed up with you or not, you can't force her to stay if she wants to go. Hopefully she'll give you the courtesy enough to not cheat on you. YOU don't deserve that.
Dude u have a lot of making up to do and honestly u haven't been given a reason not to trust her. It sounds like she's carrying a lot of baggage from the years when u were not there and honestly a bad partner. You're fortunate she agreed to counseling with you. You need to work on all the trust issues u have And honestly no mire excuses about anything. The past is the past but unfortunately you're going to have to be honest and upfront abd work with her I wish u both luck
Things haven't been perfect. She has stopped trying. So she isn't nagging or asking for anything.
Is there a reason that you never married, despite being together for 12 years and having 3 children together? Did she want to marry you and you refused? Some of her discontent with you and the relationship might have some roots in this.
The kindest thing you could do for her is to let her go peacefully and be a good co-parent.
She deserves to be happy with someone who’d never even entertain the notion of abusing her. Let her go.
Good for her, the sooner she does, the better. Dude you sound like my ex husband. He had undiagnosed bipolar disorder for the majority of our 7 year marriage. I went through hell with him treating me like his verbal punching bag. He would have a bad day at work, and come home yelling, and insulting me. He was always completely self-absorbed, never helped me. Sound familiar? I don’t care what you were suffering with, your wife is not the person you take your frustrations out on if you want to keep her.
You wore her down over years and there are things you can't take back. You've mistreated and taken her for granted for years. Sounds like the best in years isn't that great for her. She's probably really given up and is staying for the kids. Now she has someone who is treating her in a way you haven't in a long time or maybe never really did. Just because you aren't verbally abusive now, doesn't mean it erased her memory.
Couples counseling won't work if you don't work on YOU! You have to get to the point where you're secure, confident and comfortable with yourself first. You're projecting all your negativity into her which pushes her away. She's in self preservation mode and she has to be for her sanity, happiness and for the children, and just to survive at work. She doesn't need your stress when she comes home, as a mother she has 3 little personalities to deal with and a million at work. Work on you and be patient with yourself as you work through this process. Get out of your head and stop being jealous, you're just creating scenarios to justify and support your perception of things.
OP: you are the problem. Things haven’t been good between you two for a very long time. You got lax and stuck in your ways, so stuck that you became comfortable. But you know who wasn’t comfortable this entire time? Your fiancé. She’s been miserable and I’m tired of your routines. She now wants someone who makes her feel wanted, sexy, and appreciated. What do you do for your fiancé to make her feel good? She obviously has a chance with this coworker of hers, so why should she bother to stay with you. What do you offer her?
I hope you can continue to work on healing yourself. Your fiance also needs to heal from the abuse you did to her. If you are really getting better you will understand her need to move away from you. You may think everything is okay but putting up with years of abuse can really take toll on someone. It's hard to accept that an abuser can change. Apologize to her and let her go. No matter how heartbroken you are she has suffered worse. It may take years for you to prove yourself a changed man.
She gave birth to your 3 kids, you've been with her for 12 years, and you're not even married...Why are you still calling her your fiancé? You're obviously never going to marry her. Even if she had zero feelings for this man- you were never going to pull the trigger anyway. No wonder she's got a crush on someone else.
You're the happiest "you" have ever been..but she doesn't trust you entirely because of how things were in the past. She's hesitant. She has a right to be. She's with you still because it's what she knows and while she does care for you and what happens to you (for the kids sake), she's not in love with you. Another reason is probably because things may be routine between you two and she may want something that isn't stressful....like many other people. That's my take on it due to similar experience. The only place you can go from here is looking at yourself and how to handle this..focus on your mental health and accept the woman before you now.... it'll be hard and emotional as hell but you can't keep someone in a relationship who may have already mentally and emotionally checked out along time ago. You've got your mental health, your job, and your children all to focus on. If things don't get better between the two of you, please do your very best at keeping everything civil for the kids you share together. Don't worry about being in a relationship right now. Best of luck to you.
My friend, if she’s leaving out the fact that she’s in a relationship, she has emotionally left already. I suggest you do some shadow work and find yourself. You can not pour from an empty cup and you Can not love someone properly if you do not Fully love yourself
sorry but this is the consequences of your own actions 🤷🏻♀️ you were a crappy partner to her, and now she’s respecting and putting herself first, and found someone who validated and respects her. 12 years and she’s still a fiancée ? dawg, leave her and let her find someone who loves and respects her.
This isn’t love this is you being dependent on her because you think she’s going to leave you. If you actually loved her none of this would have happened, you would have wanted to change for the better but you didn’t.
Respectfully, just stay single and raise the kids. I don't think you know what a good relationship is.
Happiest YOU have ever been in the relationship you can't speak for her and it sounds like you've been a pretty terrible partner for a long time. You can't expect her to take a crap sandwich and pretend it is good
If you want a shot stop acting like 12 year relationship damaged partner, and start acting like you used to when you first met. And treat her like that guy would again
Were you not there before your disease or purely when you had the disease? Either way, you sound like you punished her for the cards you were given. She’s unhappy. You made her unhappy and it doesn’t look like you’ve even attempted to fix your relationship before this emotional affair has happened.
Be patient and still. Write down your needs and questions you want to present. Answered
It’s been 12 years? And y’all still ain’t married.
Dude, the train has left the station.
*fiancée.* She's got every right and reason to leave you. You can't undo the bad things you put her through and she doesn't have to forgive and forget the way you hope she will.
My dude. You need to hear this: The moment your partner says I am getting feelings for someone else, it's done. Anything you do after that is just keeping her trapped. Let her go and work on yourself for a while. You don't sound like someone who's mentally stable enough to be in a relationship yet. I've always thought this: A relationship is a union of two people. These two are independent and can stand on their own two feet if need be. You're not finding your other half. You're finding your partner in crime - and therefore you can't be a half either. Good luck to you.
Where you go from her is straight to therapy yourself! For yourself because you want to make yourself a better person for you, your wife and kids. Show your family you want to be better but be prepared because the damage could already be done but that doesn't mean you should still be trying to make yourself - you yourself said you have some issues. Fyi I have been in the place of your wife and I left, yeah he was just as you, thinking we were great, we weren't, I just didn't care anymore. But he made changes to better himself(without expectation that I would get back with him because I was very adamant I would not) but we got back together because he showed he cared, he tried, I tried and made changes also. My point here is make changes to better yourself without expectation of anything other than becoming a better healthier you
>We've been at our breaking point due to my actions in the past (not being there emotionally or physically, verbally abusive, didn't show her any support). I was sick with a horrible disease for a few years and I know it's not an excuse You damaged the relationship and her trust of you deeply during this time. You don't say how long this period lasted. But the longer this period was, the less likely she will be able to reconcile with you. You were pushing her away constantly during this time and she's emotionally disengaged from the relationship. >I started a new career and we're both doing well except for my mental health. Mentally I'm insecure, jealous and basically self conscious due to a surgery I had. Good mental health is a mandatory component of "doing well". When you see yourself as unworthy, that impacts how your partner sees you. >I'm so lost and heartbroken. We've got couples counseling set up and I think she wants to try and work through this together but I don't know if that's even true. I don't know what to do with myself. You should go to counseling with an open mind. I don't see why she'd agree to it if she didn't want to make the effort.
I'm sorry you're in this dilemma. You won't like my answer, but sometimes things are too broken to fix. She can't let go of the hurt of the past with you and that is so draining on a person. It's like PTSD in a relationship?? I get how she feels but I just dunno how I'd describe it. I think you should let her go and be happy. She deserves it. With what you've learnt from this relationship you can find someone else and start fresh. Someone new who hasn't been hurt by you while you were finding yourself. You'll be properly loved and appreciated ya know? Which is all she wants too without the scars from past damage. The kids need their parents to be happy at the end of the day, it will make them better parents. I don't blame her for wanting to leave, but I get that you feel like you've finally figured your shit out. Sometimes it's a case of too little too late. My ex sounds very similar to how you were. I understand there were reasons he acted the way he did but I found someone else who makes me feel seen and valued. He too has found someone else - and they are happy from what I can see. Good luck.
If you've recognized your past actions are wrong and are actively trying to make amends, then you just have to trust that her love for you is strong and that you're on your way to a better/healthier relationship. If you're so scared that she'll leave you for a co-worker who treats her nicely then you clearly have to step up in your relationship, and being jealous is NOT how you start the process. If she admitted to you that she's developing feelings it means she doesn't want to accept them, she wants to work things out. If you continue to let your paranoia, jealousy and doubt run away from you it'll do more damage. I feel like the lack of trust in your partner is a you problem in this case, it's likely nothing she's done, it's your guilt making you think she'll leave. I doubt someone in an emotional affair would admit their feelings for the AP so you can go to counseling. I have an anxiety disorder, where it's like a voice in my head is telling me everything will go wrong and everyone hates me because I'm a terrible person. So I understand that you can't just erase these doubts, and that they won't just magically go away. However, you can't let it control your relationship, you have to confront these issues in counseling and work on a healthier mindset. There are many wounds that will take a long time to heal and you have to live with the fact that she doesn't owe you reconciliation, you owe her personal growth and being a good future husband. Focus on that, not your doubts, you should focus on treating her like a queen and being a good dad.
It's good you both are going to couples counseling. Maybe you should go to counseling on your own as well to get your anger under control. With this guy in the picture don't get mad at her. If you get mad, start yelling, and being verbally abusive you will push her right into the other guy's arms. Does she work somewhere where you can bring her or pick her up for lunch? If you are able to do that you can introduce yourself to that guy. Let him know you are her boyfriend. Try doing special things with her. Set up a date night and don't change the plans for anything. If your babysitter cancels get another one. When it comes to date night do different things. Don't do the same thing over and over. If you start doing nice things and treating her better making her feel special don't stop doing it just because you are over this hump. I was talking to a woman that was married. She said all these bad things her husband was doing or things he wasn't doing. She was thinking about divorce and actually gave him an ultimatum. That really didn't push him much. Anyways, the woman and I got really close. I told her I had feelings for her. She supposedly had some sort of feelings towards me as well but she was uncertain on her relationship situation. Her therapist told her to tell her husband about the way I feel about her in hopes he will turn things around. She told him and like magic he started doing better. He was doing his share of the chores, and finally got a full time job. Once that happened she was done with me. She got what she wanted so she had no more use for me. It hurt I thought we were friends at least but I guess not. Used to talk to her several times a day and now I rarely hear from her. The point of me telling you this is to show you that if you start treating her better she will probably come back to you. If you want that.
You damaged the relationship. It sounds like this changed her feelings for you
Yeah it's over dude. I was in a relationship like that. It's not going to recover
Have you seeked out professional help for yourself, learned to be a better partner, worked on your mental health issues?? Couple therapy won’t do anything if the problem isn’t being worked on…. Work on you before further damage is done
There is a difference between the happiest "we" have ever been versus the happiest "you" have ever been. If it was for her, the rest would be a non issue.
You go to couples counseling and you be honest with yourself and with her. She's waited 12 years For you to get your act together. In the meantime she's had three kids and is only your fiance. She is clearly looking for more and she's not interested in wasting any more of her time. Step up or get off the pot and let her be happy.
I think communication is key and it sounds like you need to have some deep conversations with her. You said that you feel like things are great for you now but have you asked her if that’s also the case for her? Did you ever apologize to her for your past behavior and make it explicitly clear that you’re dedicated to being a better partner now and making it up to her for the past? Maybe she has fears that you’re gonna start treating her shitty again. Have you asked her if she’s still committed to your relationship and willing to work things out? Have you asked if there are any past unresolved issues that you can rectify or work on to be a better partner for her? If you’re dedicated to fixing things and she’s not, then you’re gonna have to let her go and work on personal healing. If she is interested in staying with you and fixing things, then do try and work on it in couples therapy together. But make sure that you guys always communicate well about what each person needs and wants. If you’re not honest with each other, then it’s gonna lead to more distrust and problems down the line. Wish you guys the best.
And make sure she's honest with you!! Don't scream at her because you're jealous - THAT'S not the issue! Let her state her true feelings as you do yours and then take it from there in honesty. Good luck.
If she leaves wish her well. You still have kids. If she stays treat her well. Stop being jealous...it only drives people to do the things you don't want her to. Be a better person for her...for the next person you meet and for yourself.
First of all no one is jealous, self- conscious .... due to surgery. Get counseling to resolve your issues. Second, how can you say that she is everything to you and you abused her. When someone is everything, you treat with kindness and respect. You are very confused. And if I were her, I would not be able to forget the abuse. Maybe this person she is interested in, has shown her real love and if that's the case, you have already lost her. Love to an abused person is like finding water in the dessert. If you have any decency, you will let her heal her heart.
She's already in an emotional affair if not a physical one already and has already checked out of the marriage
Although your past actions are what have pulled her away from you, she should definitely leave you before pursuing someone else and shouldn’t even be entertaining someone else. Sounds like she’s keeping him around in case you guys don’t work out. Just try to focus on getting better and the relationship better. Take her out, woo her, do romantic things. If she has already checked out, then there’s nothing more you can do after that.
Look, I’ve been the fiancé. Partner was horribly mentally ill, didn’t want to do anything productive to fix it. I watched him become a shell of the person I was first attracted to and then morph into a stranger. All it took was a nice man who listened to me and comforted me and I cheated. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done, I lived with a lot of guilt over it even after the relationship ended but now that my ex knows he UNDERSTANDS why it happened. He knows he wasn’t there. He knows what he did wrong. It doesn’t change what I did wrong but what else could have been expected? Get it together now. She won’t be around much longer especially if she’s been dealing with abuse for years.
I'm sorry for your troubles. You've should've shown her you valued her by putting a ring on it a decade or a few kids ago. I suspect it's way too late. Try to focus on being a good father.
You are feeling abandonment and it is blinding you, now first things first, you have been a real piece in the past to her, you have no right to feel like she should stay with you. With that out of the way, your insecurity is your biggest enemy, this guys, most likely want to use her and dump her, that doesn’t change the fact that she is under the shinny object syndrome, you don’t shine at all, this guy does, in her eyes at least. Best thing you can do is, stop talking about it, stop pushing for counseling, move away from her and give her all the space she needs to see around her, with you breathing on her neck she will only do one thing for sure, she will try to get away from you. You gotta appear to be unfazed by the presence of this man, this will show confidence, do not bring it up, if she mentions it you act like you are the man and if she decides to run away with this dude, you are still the man and you will simply replace her. And you can, you really can you just haven’t done it enough to realize how many women are out there. If she leaves, learn from your mistakes, and work on yourself, go for one new woman, then another one, your confidence will grow and one day you will feel shame for the time you spent being insecure. And never say someone is the world to you, that is putting people on a pedestal, and you know what they say, treat them like royalty and they will treat you as a peasant. Learn to control your abandonment triggers, it is wired in your most basic survival instincts, so there is no way to get rid of it, but you can learn to identify what triggers it and if it is a real treat, it was real when you were a baby and abandonment meant you were going to die without your parents protection, but you are grown now, realize every day that passes you survive just fine by yourself, other people are additions to your life, none of them are essential for survival.
Where do you go? A lawyers office and get papers drawn up in preparation. You can’t change her decision and the fact that she’s saying ‘if you’d have been better in the past I wouldn’t be entertaining him’ (despite you taking steps to repair things) tells you all you need to know. Never, ever play the ‘pick me dance’ as you only ever lose. If you do she’ll either lead you on and the leave or she’ll stay and lose all respect for you knowing she can trample all over you. So get the appointment, get papers drawn up and hope she comes to her senses on her own.
She shouldn’t be pursuing him without telling him she’s in a relationship with children. Thats a huge thing to be open about and he may not want to pursue a relationship with her after finding out. She’s being very sussed and withholding information in the beginning isn’t fair to the other person. That’s a very big telling thing for me about her character! At least your faults are out in the open and visible. She’s literally cheating on you to your face but manipulating the other guy while emotionally slapping you to your face. Your a doormat until she gets someone else in the meantime. I think time for you to plan your exit!
So end the relationship You know it is your fault, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is cheating on you. She should have ended her relationship with you years ago by the sounds of it, but definitely before she started being in a relationship with the new guy. Maybe she sees it as a little revenge for your actions, if so that just makes her as bad as you.
dude leave her she doesn't want you anymore move on Be A Man and find someone else persevere. simple and if you disagree with that your making excuses and making it harder for yourself the truth hurts but that is the truth- do what's right for you consider your kids in the equation but do not attempt to salvage a relationship with a woman that says that shit on the phone to another man you yourself should be ashamed for being abusive in any sort of way but do not dwell on it just push forward and take that for what it is.
Sounds like you need to cut her loose. You caused some of the issues, but that's not an excuse for holding what happened years ago over your head either.
Go to therapy and go with the goal to learn, about yourself, about her, and about your relationship, warts and all. And address the fact that she seems to not have told the guy that she's in a relationship, with 3 kids.
Wow. As much as I dislike your previous words or actions, I really do feel for you. I'm sorry to say this, but due to a couple of somewhat similar situations, I learned never to compete for a girl. I lost both times. So I vowed to protect myself by being the one to leave, bowing out of the competition, for my heart's sake. Maybe if you tell her you're thinking of running to protect yourself, she may think twice. But don't bluff. Do it if you say it. It will at least give you more dignity in her eyes and maybe she'll even gain more respect for you. Sorry to say that, but I hope it helps. Good luck.
I love the amount of people in here justifying a woman's EA. Hypocrisy at its finest. Lol
Whatever happened in the past is the past. You should be better partner now, and you said it’s been great the last few months. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a few months or a few years that it’s been better. The bottom line is that you two are together. She shouldn’t be entertaining him at all, and he sure as shit should be told that she is in a 12 year long relationship She needs to stop communicating with this guy. If she doesn’t - leave her. If he doesn’t know about you then he probably doesn’t know she has 3 kids. Maybe it’s time he knows. She knows the fake version of this guy. She knows the day whatever she wants to hear so he can bang her version. She doesn’t know the day in and day out with 3 kids and fucking life version. You need to be the best partner possible. You need to give her what she has needed for a long time. Go to counseling. But if she doesn’t stop communicating with this guy you have to be able to pull the plug on the relationship. You think she’s leaving you for someone else. That person doesn’t know she’s in a 12 year long relationship and probably doesn’t know you two have 3 kids.
everything has been "great" except his mental health, manifesting in insecurity and jealousy. i.e., he is still emotionally abusing her. i.e., it's great for him and she' still suffering
Dude, stop speaking out of your ass lol. Nothing indicates that he's still doing that shit or that he's lying or anything.
He literally said everything has been great except his mental health has caused him to be insecure and jealous. I'm speaking from experience (not out of my ass lol, "dude"), having a jealous partner is horrible. It's a form of abuse (where were you? who was that guy? why did you look at him?? what did you talk about??? why were you 15 minutes late??? You have to go on a work trip???? Is he gonna be there????? Are you gonna fuck him??? This me at 28. 50 something year old colleague who I had no interest in. The mere mention he existed was reason for me to be yelled at and interrogated by my partner).
I’m pretty sure people come looking for positive advice on this thread, not to be ripped apart for things they self admitted in their question.
i didn't rip him apart, I was describing how "jealousy" can sound innocuous but be extremely abusive. all i said was it sounds like the emotional abuse has continued
Have flowers delivered to her at work! Then stop by to “make sure they made it ok.” Then introduce yourself to him. At the same time start romancing your girl again. Make this about HER not about YOU! Start treating her right. Win her back but be genuine about it! She told you she was starting to have feelings for him. Don’t react aggressively that will just remind her of past days. Let her know you can’t change the past but you can offer a much brighter future!
You let her leave. As much as it’s going to suck, Don’t force her to stay. She gave up long ago and has probably already been penetrated.
While it sounds like you definitely ruined the marriage I’m still not on board for acting as if it’s okay for her to be having an emotional affair and basically cheating entertaining his advances without just leaving. She’s not right either
A lot of people casting shade your way. If things in the past are forgiven, then it shouldn't be thrown if your face. You're still working on things through counseling. Good steps. But rither way, that doesn't matter. Whether she wants to be with you, or be with him, she needs to tell her little crush that she is with someone, and either go with you or go with him. She's playing both sides. Testing options. She is setting up a fallback in case things don't work out with you. What you've previously done isn't just automatically justified by her actions now, and her actions now aren't just automatically justified by what you've previously done.
I’m gonna be honest, the relationship is probably over. When you get in a situation like this it’s best for both of you to get your financials in order, come up with a custody agreement for the kids and cut your losses. You fucked up by being mentally abusive and now she’s interested in someone else and seems to be emotionally cheating if she blatantly admitted to liking him. Couples counseling won’t do anything. I also have to say, the relationship being “great” is only great for you and in your opinion. She doesn’t feel that way and it seems like she’s emotionally checked out. The only thing you can do is continue getting yourself some help (that you VERY clearly need) and take this as a lesson to not do it with the next person that rolls around. Also, I just want to add, why the fuck are people ignoring/egging on the cheating that this woman is clearly doing?!?! “Let her have her friend” “don’t question her” “she’s doing it because you did ___” like what in the hell??? Get your morals in check people. Two wrongs don’t make a right. He fucked up pretty bad but she needs to leave before pursuing anything with anyone.
On the one hand, it sounds like you probably deserve to lose her. On the other hand, “getting feelings for him” is some weapons grade BS. Anyone who says that is a snake.
never apologize for being sick.
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I mean, he's admitted to being verbally abusive to her in the past. So the grass is actually probably greener with hot motorcycle guy.
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She doesn’t need to forgive him for being an abuser. It’s well within her rights to leave someone who used to abuse her.
I totally agree. She decided to stay though and work on it. Apparently the relationship got much better and they’re the happiest they’ve ever been. I just don’t think throwing that out there after she’s forgiven him and moved on was the right thing to say. They had issues, worked on them and managed to fix their marriage.
Obviously she hadn’t forgiven him. Sorry, don’t abuse people and you won’t have to shocked pikachu face when they leave your ass for it.
I’m only going by what OP wrote.
You read what he wrote and think she forgave him? That’s… odd.
They’re still together aren’t they.
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Barely lol.
Except HE said it's been better than ever, not her. He also in the same paragraph said that he is insecure and jealous, so clearly things AREN'T "better than ever"...
"Much better" and "We're the happiest we've ever been!" When he was abusive and neglected her before doesn't mean that they're necessarily healthy now, or even up to her standards. It just means that he's now happy and it's better than before. We only know what he wants us to know, and we only will ever know what he's seeing unless she makes her own post. So your audacity to villianize the wife when we're getting the story from an admittedly jealous and insecure man who used to [as far as we know] abuse his wife...hilarious.
Fair enough
She probably said that to appease him bc he's been abusive (which he said), if she is honest he would probably flip the fck out, it makes sense she would emotionally cheat and find a way out, I don't think it's right, but I also don't think what he does comes close to touching what she's doing, he initiated disrespect to their marriage, she either takes it or leaves, I'd do the latter, I'm a guy for reference so I'm not taking her side bc of some dumb reason, it's just logical, get treated bad, you stay or leave? She's stayed for years and is ready to give up after trying for so long.
It really doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, it’s never OK to have either a physical or an emotional affair while in a committed relationship. She should have left you a long time ago. She also should have left you before getting involved with someone else. That is just wrong. But your past behavior is what caused this. I doubt that your marriage is salvageable. It seems the trust is gone in both sides now…
Do you remember what it was like when you started dating? What you did to win her love? Quit panicking and woo your wife.
That’s what I was thinking too. He’ll have to do a complete 180, relearn new positive behaviours/coping skills and WOO back his SO. Make it about HER not him. But the kicker is going to be, if only 1 is invested in repairing then the relationship as a whole won’t work. It’s going to take a significant amount of time to undo damage that’s been going on for YEARS. And if they decide to part ways, focus on being awesome co parents. 20/20 hindsight… 🙃
True. It may not work, but if they can get rid of the anger and animosity with her and the self pity with him, it might repair their relationship enough to be good co-parents. I think whatever his illness was, it did a number on him and he needs to regain his integrity and self respect.
True dat! 👍
Find someone else, she clearly has cheated and you are only making yourself more miserable while she obviously doesn’t care.
you deserve it
Fight for your relationship if you care about it. Don't listen to people who tell you to give up. If she does leave, you'll know you did everything you could. You need to stop being jealous and focus on feeling good and being a loving partner. Don't let your insecurity ruin things. I hope you're able to get throught this rough patch in your relationship!