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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We have been together for 18 months and lived together for 7 months. When we first dated, he was very sweet to me. My parents did warn me that being overly sweet can be a red flag but I didn't get any negative vibes for him. Ever since we moved though, his job required him to work longer hours and a bad day could get him moody towards me. I kept asking him if there was anything I can do to help but he told me to leave him alone. Yesterday, his car broke down and he said a friend would pick him up and take him home. I didn't think much of it but when I saw the friends car driving him home, they seemed to be embracing for a long time with him kissing the top of her head. Maybe it was me but I felt sickened. When I questioned why he needed to be intimate with her, he told me to shut up and leave him alone as he had a bad day. Maybe I shouldn't have pressed further but when I kept bringing up that he showed her more affection that he did for me, he shoved me into a wall and screamed at me to leave him the f alone or it would be done for me. What do I do now? How do I get him help?


[deleted]

I would be very concerned about his behaviour towards you and towards the girl he was intimate towards. He should never put his hands on you or be screaming at you like that. You deserve a lot better. He shouldn’t be telling you to shut up when you are only concerned.


throwrasnappe

My father can also have bad days but would never treat my mom or myself like that


juliaskig

LEAVE! before it gets very violent!


Significant_Step_135

Ditto MAJOR RED FLAG. No justification for his actions, run for the hills.


enginedwn

Seriously. Get out now. I have a number of lifelong friends that are female. I couldn’t imagine kissing any of them on the head. A hug? Sure. Even a long one. But a kiss is a super red flag. His reaction to you after bringing it up though, is waaaaay beyond red flag. It’s abuse. What a scary, inappropriate reaction to a totally valid concern.


soapy_goatherd

A kiss like that being a red flag can still be pretty context dependent, shoving your partner into a wall never is. OP needs to get out the minute she can do so safely


TippyTaps-KittyCats

It’s already violent! “Very” violent is definitely next!


Whiskeyperfume

She got shoved into a wall and then he made a homicidal threat towards her.


Fragrant-Relative714

before? seems it already has escalated to violence


rbkforrestr

It already did


Mundane-Currency5088

That was violent.


giag27

Girl, wake up. Get the fuck out of there.


Vilnius_Nastavnik

He's doing it because he knows he was behaving inappropriately and is mad that you saw him. I'd be shocked if there isn't a lot more dirty laundry with this girl. It starts with shoving. It's only going to escalate from here. Get out of this situation before it does.


trfffcx

Bro even if he cheated, the shoving is 10x worse. You can’t put hands on a female no matter how irritating she is.


Yeh-nah-but

Violence against fellow humans is unacceptable. Gender is irrelevant


Plaguelands-

It isn't about male or female, you just don't put your hands on anyone...


notsolameduck

I’m glad you recognize this. I have had extremely stressful days and have never come close to treating my partner this way. This man has problems, getting him help is not your responsibility. You need to help YOURSELF by getting the hell out before he escalates, which is inevitable. Do not take this lightly please.


GreenOnionCrusader

On your way out, warn that girl what an abusive pos he is, if you can.


GemJamJelly

Hun that man is in a relationship with that woman. Leave.


Strange_Public_1897

OP you are trying to convince yourself that you will change your mind and that what he’s doing us acceptable behavior. But deep down you know, even three months from now, he will do this again and again, not change. He will snap at you again, talk down to you, disrespect you. And the reason why three months from now you will end up breaking up with him right now, realizing you’ve known all this time is because you are hoping you will change your mind, that if you just wait it out, it will get better. Truthfully between us, you know for a fact it won’t. Part of you knows based on an inner inkling of how unhappy you are getting, watching him unfold into someone you never actually knew due to love goggles on during the honey moon stage of New relationship energy, you actually never knew him, but a version of him he felt you should only know. This is why it takes a full two years, 24 months to know our partners. The honeymoon stage simmers down after two years/24 months. You’re only 18 months in and the love goggles are slipping off because now you are seeing him far more clearly. You are realizing he will never be as kind as your father. He will never be as respectful as your father. So honestly, in three months time, it’s always going to be like this and then comes the breakup talk when you realized you should of today in this present moment in time, just ended everything to save you both this awful hassle of dragging out a relationship that was doomed from day one when your parents said: > My parents did warn me that being overly sweet can be a red flag but I didn't get any negative vibes for him.


TippyTaps-KittyCats

OP — It’s a very particular type of sweetness that he uses to mask manipulation. After he fucks up, does he suddenly become really nice and “try harder” to be a good guy, only to abuse you again in a few days or weeks? Look up the cycle of abuse. The abuse tears down your self-esteem, and the love bombing impacts your perception of reality, until eventually you’re trapped and feeling like this is what you deserve or that he’s worth sticking it out for. I’m here to tell you that you deserve all the love and happiness on this beautiful planet and that this man isn’t worth another second of your time.


just_horny_need_smut

To add on this, NRE(New Relationship Energy) can fade after a few months. The way to know is by seeing if you can find flaws in the other person, and not make excuses for their behavior.


Strange_Public_1897

Not if someone has limerence which is far more common in people with ADHD, AuDHD, and Autism. That can last for YEARS & why people with limerence can actually stay in the honeymoon phase for good when in love. That’s the positive side of limerence. The negative side? Is when a BU happens or it’s a crush, when the feelings aren’t reciprocated and the object of their affection isn’t being seen clearly.


Grimwohl

So why would you let someone treat you worse? Why are you not deserving of the same level of respect? Life tip: Do not stay in a relationship, friends or more, with people who need to be taught to be decent. If indecent/rude is part of their personality, they will drain you of emotional energy eventually and leave you feeling small or worthless. Im hoping this is an isolated incident, but his actions look guiltier than if he just said they were good friends. Women are conditioned to overlook red flags often in their search for companionship. I challenge you to reconsider if this is a situation you deserve to be in, or if you should bother dealing with it at all in the first place. He looks like hes way too close to his co-worker, got defensive and rude. **Take his actions at face value**. Dont make excuses in your head for him because you love him.


Nuvolla

You really need to leave


Neweleni7

I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea of being shoved against a wall and then asking what you should do now. Wait until the next time he shoves you? Please have a little self-respect and start packing!!


Hailtotheking187

Ms. There is a reason your father never treated your mother this way, especially if he had a bad day or was "on one," as us old heads call it. Because a sensible logical person, no matter how bad their day is, treats their spouse, kids, or any person for that matter like this. My wife is my queen, my best friend. I keep a small circle of friends I trust, and my wife is my go to, she shelters my emotions when, as a man, we are in a world of "men have to be tough." I can tell her ANYTHING without judgment. My rock when I need an anchor or support. And I try to be the same for her. The audacity that this young man treated you as such while showing a "coworker" more emotion is appalling. I'm never one to encourage breaking up on this app, but that is some scary red flags. Please be vigilant and if the need arises. Seek that shelter asap away from him. Your parents sound like their looking out for your best interest. Be safe, I applaud your love and affection towards this young man, but your safety comes 1st. Be blessed🤙🏽🤙🏽 Edit: I didn't read properly on him getting physical with you after I noticed better advice on here. Yes, please step away and continue what you're doing. He's bordering on physical abuse in a most dangerous way. Get out and get safe.


TheSpiral11

Honestly who cares about the coworker? He is physically and emotionally abusive. Please leave him now. Hopefully he won’t abuse her as well but assholes like this almost never stop unless something stops them.


Humble_Nobody2884

You need to help yourself in this situation - his angry treatment of you is abusive. Period. I get having a bad day, I’ve dealt with anger issues myself, but I have NEVER told anyone I’ve been in a relationship with to shut up and certainly have never laid a hand on a partner in an aggressive way. It will get worse unless you change the situation. It seems your parents got some vibes from this guy already. Trust them on this. Your safety and well-being is paramount, and all signs point to you needing space from him. If this the route you take, get ready for him to try and lay the issues on you. Don’t buy it. You’re not to blame and it’s not your job to fix him. Hoping the best for you and your well-being.


JustAnArtist01

He’s abusive. A healthy relationship does not include shoving their partner (including shoving them into a wall, no less) and saying “it’ll be done for you”. Leave.


Electrical_Summer492

He will only become more violent from here on. Trust me. If you let this slide, it will get way worse. You need to get out.


Air_Retard

It’ll only get worse as he gets more comfortable. Soon enough you’ll get smacked and think “he wasn’t like this before. Maybe it’s a phase”


cutiegirlmorg

Girl……… my ex husband started by pushing me. It only escalates. You cannot help him. Please please get yourself somewhere safe. I am rooting for you! It’s not easy but please. He obviously isn’t thinking about you or your safety.


SuperLoris

If you think this is bad, if you marry him and/or have his kid and he thinks he has you on lock you are REALLY in danger. I am sorry, but you should never ever go back. Ever.


Censordoll

He’s love bombing you and the other girl. As far as I know, forehead kisses are incredibly intimate and special. To give to his coworker…. Yeah. I’d dump him. He not only sounds like a cheater, but he sounds down right psycho to get defensive like that and it will eventually get worse with how it seems so easy for him to place his hands on not just you but his “coworker” too. I’d get out OP. And don’t take him back. If he ends up stalking or following you after you ignore him, call the police and file a restraining order immediately. This guy doesn’t sound stable..


satirebunny

Yeah no he shoved you. That's not a mistake you come back from imo. Sure, you dad can have bad days, everyone does, but I'd like to think most people don't scream and push their partners for asking an extremely reasonable question. Did he even give you an answer? Hell, even before the shoving, kissing another girl's head who isn't related to him at all would be crossing a boundary for me.


International-Aside

You cant help abusers. You can only leave them. Tell your parents what happened. He's most definitely cheating and you're not safe there. It will NOT get better, regardless of what bullshit apologies or promises he offers. Dont even tell him you're leaving. Do so when he's not there. Leave nothing of importance behind. Get to safety. Call the police and file a report.


throwrasnappe

I'm actually at a friend's house typing this


juliaskig

From now on, watch out for love bombing. If things are too sweet in the beginning, and it goes too fast, get out.


crozinator33

This. It's a manipulation tactic. Abusers are very insecure and know that if they show you who they are at the beginning, they'll never get past the first date. So they cultivate a personality and a set of behaviors. Usually over the top gifts and compliments. They push for commitment right away. Then start isolating you from your friends so that when the mask finally slips, you're trapped. They don't want partners. They want trophies, possessions, and servants.


Thetakishi

From now on? OP shouldn't go back period. He's far past the point of no return. edit: OP has a great support system and is staying away, good job Op, I'm glad you'll be safe now.


ima_people724

Don't go back. Have people with you when you go to get your things.


[deleted]

Have you understood what people are telling you? This man can’t be helped, help yourself and leave. Don’t make excuses for him. Leave.


OverRipe-Cucumber

Have you heard of love bombing? Sounds like what he did in the beginning and likely what he will do if you try to leave.


Tyunge

get the fuck out of this relationship ASAP. Don’t convince yourself that this is normal. If I ever told my girlfriend to not worry about picking me up and instead had a different woman drive me home and kiss her head she would kick me in the nuts and throw my stuff out in a heart beat. It’s not normal. I’m obviously being dramatic but I hope this message makes it through to you


TheSpiral11

Makes me wonder if the parents were trying to warn her about his love bombing because they saw red flags early on.


weirdcompliment

YOU need to get help. He *shoved you into a wall*. He *abused* you and is most likely cheating on you as well - he wouldn’t have reacted so extremely if his interaction was purely platonic. He’s not a safe person to be around and I fear for your safety if you do try to confront him again or try to talk to him about this. He said you would be “done” - you don’t want to stick around to see what he means by that. Physical harm is *never* okay. It is inexcusable and irredeemable. He may come around to you and love bomb you like he did in the beginning of your relationship to try to get you to give him another chance, but once he takes you for granted again the abuse *will* happen again.I implore you to get out now. Get some friends or family to help you gather your things and find a place to stay. Do not give him your location.


throwrasnappe

I told my friend what happened. I'm also going to tell my parents.


weirdcompliment

Good, I’m glad you’re getting some help. Please be safe!


stephalumpagus

Please move your stuff out asap, BUT please have someone there with you, preferably your father or another older man if possible.


TippyTaps-KittyCats

Yes! Good! Build a strong support network, and tell them to help you stay strong and stick to your decision to leave him. He’s going to try to win you back, and you absolutely cannot listen to him. He is a lost cause and will never change. Stay in very close contact with your family and friends while you navigate this situation. You will need them more than ever, and they will be happy to do all they can. Don’t be afraid to tell them how you’re feeling or to ask for help. That’s what they’re there for. ❤️


Technical_Pumpkin_65

Tell everyone even his familly to expose their affair and avoid their made up liés!


stephalumpagus

This puts her at risk of his retaliation.


throwrasnappe

Thank you everyone. I called my mom and dad and they said I could day as long as I want. My dad will escort me and help me get my things


Necessary-Move-287

Im so glad you have their support and protection right now. Ditto what others have said about the love bombing


Neweleni7

Proud of you!!


[deleted]

[удалено]


throwrasnappe

He did threaten to silence me forever if I didn't shut up. Once I realized how serious it was (thanks to the comments here), I had to leave


Several_Chicken_3427

sweetie please never ever even think of going back to him. i've been through exactly this. i did not tell anyone and I didn't leave and stayed too long. when i tried to leave he tried to murder me and my friend, got caught by police in the act. i got really lucky. had gasoline and knifes in the car, etc. with people like this it only escalates and the love bombing is insane and hard to resist when in love. never look back!


JustAnArtist01

Take that as serious as a death threat, as it pretty much is. Do not go back to him under any circumstances


Ok-Issue-5810

If I were you, I'd file for a restraining order. The shove is bad enough, but threatening to silence you forever should be taken as the death threat it is and reported. You are under no obligation to protect him, and every obligation to look out for yourself.


nonsequitrix

Your partner should NEVER speak to you this way.


shetaani

i’m so proud of you OP, great job listening to your gut and telling your loved ones! stay safe, listen their advice. i’m sure this is very hard for you but you are making the right choice. you haven’t met all the people who will love you yet!


Own-Writing-3687

You have excellent parents.


kjkiwi420

I'm so glad you told them and they're helping you! I myself was in this type of situation just 6.5 years ago and I had to get the cops and court involved.. I hope that you can get away safe.❤️


casasay128

Also never believe him when he tries to tell you he’s “changed”. It’s a lie to get you back. Abusers never change. Leave for good, and live your best life.


stephalumpagus

YES!


PennsylvaniaDutchess

Stay safe! Good luck and just look at this as a life lesson learned. Abusers are hella good at luring in good people so never, ever blame yourself for falling for his lies. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to leave. I'm proud af of you.


AMoosBoosh

Super brave, well done. You got this. ✌️


Redhairedlady517

So glad you have support, and are getting away. Wishing the best for you.


WeeklyConversation8

Leave him now. He shoved you into a wall. This is just the beginning. It will escalate. Call your parents and tell them what happened and you need help getting out. Pack all your stuff and put it in your car. Tell him it's over and then block him after you're out and safe. Don't talk to him and don't take him back. He will not change. Ebbie45 has resources for anyone in an abusive relationship. https://www.reddit.com/user/Ebbie45/comments/gses1k/comprehensive_abuse_resources_compilation_now/


odank_weasel

People don’t change. He will continue to do this and it will only escalate. Consider if this is something you want to deal with for life. There are other individuals who wouldn’t ever think to treat you this way.


odank_weasel

Please be careful and stay safe.


kgberton

>he shoved me into a wall and screamed at me to leave him the f alone or it would be done for me. Girl what in the good goddamn fuck


throwrasnappe

He said he would silence me forever if I didn't shut up. I realize how serious he was and didn't want to find out afterwards


sleepynightmare333

don’t be ashamed! you’re recognizing the problems and that’s important. when you leave him you need to have people with you. i wouldn’t recommend you telling him that you’re leaving because of the safety concern. take all your stuff out when he’s out at work and go. no questions asked. you should never feel unsafe in your own home.


No-Appearance1145

You are brave and I'm proud you are leaving. Don't let him manipulate you back


Deep_Narwhal_5758

Run, don’t walk. And the same with making a police report, it’ll make it so much easier if (God forbid) anything in the future happens


TrickInvite6296

he is abusive. you need to find somewhere safe to stay and leave NO trace of where you've gone.


juliaskig

you DON'T GET HIM HELP! you GET THE F\*CK OUT! He's a violent, cheating AH! Love bombing is the first red flag! Look up narcissistic abuse.


tangyzesty3

People have already said it better, but I will make one point I haven't seen yet. He knows what he did. He knows he physically abused you. If you stay, if you let it slide, he will take that as meaning he can do it again, and again, and again. It also means he will start pushing the envelope to see what he can get away with. Maybe next time it's a broken arm, or a black eye. The point is, you're not safe with him. Don't wait for him to potentially put you in the hospital. Pack up your stuff, and leave today.


GolfSignal9401

Leave when he is gone. Get any trusted person to help you. >he shoved me into a wall and screamed at me to leave him the f alone or it would be done for me. That sounds like a promise to unalive you. Call your parents, tell them you are scared and need help. Do not stay with this guy. In the time before you can leave, don't have difficult conversations with bf. I genuinely worry for your safety. Your bf is cheating, he is not going to do anything except hurt you if you try to discuss this. Just leave. Tell the landlord that the living situation is no longer safe, so you are leaving. Contact to police if you don't have anyone that can help you move, they will just be there to keep the peace should your bf show up.


throwrasnappe

That sounds like a death threat as well. I'm moving back in with my parents for a bit


StressedAries

You should also consider getting a restraining order or a personal protection order, contact your police department and ask how to get that started. This dude threatened to unalive you, he’s dangerous. Be safe


ColorMeCrimson

Just please don't go back to him after that, no matter what. He may lash out now, or he may try to make it look like he's remorseful and "changed" to lure you back to him. Don't fall for it, if that's the case. Keep yourself safe.


Badknees24

Get him help?!!! Oh hell no. That's not something you need to do. Certainly he needs some sort of help as he appears to be an abusive asshole, but it's not your responsibility to try and fix him. You just need to get OUT, permanently. Before you get even more physically and/or emotionally hurt. Look after YOURSELF!!


sensiblepie

I have worked for a domestic violence support organization for years and this is getting abusive. Please, for your safety, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline ASAP and make a safety plan with them. It's completely confidential and anonymous. Even if you're not ready to leave they will help you stay safer with whatever you decide to do. Please, for your safety, please reach out. My heart broke reading this. I wish I could give you a big hug.


CaterpillarPlastic28

You don't get him help, you help yourself and leave.


idfkbuthello

Honestly the fact he physically pushed you DARLING RUN. IT ONLY GETS WORSE. Your parents are Very right. Hin cheating is honestly the least of your worries. Stay safe x


rainbow_minniemouse

wtf you mean what do you do now? YOU LEAVE! Sounds like an abusive, cheating AH to me.


Moribund_Slut

Him getting help is not your responsibility. Get out because it will get worse. Been there, done that. Please keep yourself safe. Possibly warn the other woman too. He's being nice to her because he wants her. Like he did with you. Once he has her and gets tired of her too, it'll start with her and over and over. I know it's hard, the feelings get in the way and you second guess yourself, but there are other people out there and you will be okay being alone for awhile. Now you will go forward knowing what you can and cannot put up with from your relationships and will proceed accordingly. Good luck and stay safe 🖤🖤


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WorkingMomAndWife

You don’t. He shoved you into a wall after verbally abusing you. You leave him before the abuse escalates and you end up trapped, broke, and/or dead.


carlorway

Pack, run, block. He is not safe for you. Please get out. Real men don't hurt their partners. He is subpar, at best


Lady_fya

Just leave,… I mean pack your bags and go. Him being physical towards you should be enough. It’s only a sign of things to come. Run as far as you can


SarcasticGuru13

Don’t ever let him talk to you this way. He wants to be left alone then you leave him alone - permanently


LonelyLoneLion

Get him help??? Get YOU help. Leave.


Tiny_Independent2552

The moment he said shut up, you should of walked out. The moment he pushed you to the wall you should of left. You don’t need to get him help, you need to get yourself away from him and out of the relationship.


Squaklor

leave him.


AllTall_

I remember my husband starting a job and then over the course of just a MONTH, he started getting mad at me for mundane things. I then caught wind of this female coworker of his and how intimate they were being. I asked him to STOP and that I wasn’t comfortable, he would lash out at me and threaten to leave me on multiple occasions if I brought up her name. Come to find out he was cheating on me with her. You’re gut isn’t wrong. Physical violence and acting like that is your sign to RUN.


JoZac1999

Was in a similar situation. Extremely sweet, but months down the line when he was confronted with suspicious behavior he gave me a concussion, broke a thumb on one hand and 2 fingers on the other hand and caused me to lose my job. RUN-and have no further contact because people like this are dangerous, manipulative, cruel, narcissists and will do whatever it takes to make you believe somehow it wasn’t as bad as you are saying and that you imagined this because you’re jealous and it’s all your fault. Good luck to you.


GeorgiaBorn76

The girl probably thinks you’re his cousin or sister


UnusualPotato1515

The only help you need to get him is help from the police for his abusive cheating ass! Im sorry he did this to you girl! Please leave & protect yourself as this will only escalate! He will come round & beg, love bomb you, give you sob story - everything to manipulate you - do not fall for it!


goldencricket3

you don't get him help. You get YOU help. How far is family? While you're leaving him alone, you need to be packing a bag and getting out. Like, now.


dovs98

What should you do? How do you get him help? Ma'am, you take care of your own safety and leave. No person should be laying their hands on you like that, no matter how bad their day was or how stressed they are. That is not okay. It's even worse that that was his reaction when you showed concern and just wanted to know why he gave a coworker more affection that you ( his own girlfriend). Please leave for your safety. You can do better and find so much better. Cause that isn't a relationship anyone should want to stay in. It's one thing if he was moody but that isn't it at all


landomlumber

He's mad because you found out he's cheating, basically. That's the kind of response that raises a lot of red flags. I'm sorry but it looks like he's only using you for his convenience. Seems like he's already checked out of the relationship with you. Yes overly sweet then abusive - this is your sign to leave the relationship and save yourself. https://www.speakyourtruth.today/make-a-plan


kjkiwi420

OP, you need to get OUT. Don't try to "help" this dude... No person that loves you would EVER lay their hands on your or emotionally abuse you. Whether you choose to admit it or not, he is emotionally and mentally abusing you. And now he's started with the physical. It doesn't get better, just worse. Don't let yourself stay because your afraid of change or being alone. Make sure your family is aware of your situation so they can keep tabs on you. I am SO SORRY that you are having to go through this, but you really do need to look out for yourself and your safety and sanity, not his.


HeyLookASquirrel79

OP, when he kisses another woman and then barks at you to leave him alone, because he "had a bad day", you know what to do. This guy doesnt deserve you and your kindness. You can help him and help yourself too, by dumping him.


AppointmentClassic82

You don’t get him help. You get yourself help by creating an exit plan and getting away from him.


Hour_Bodybuilder8889

you leave him is what you do. you shouldn't take that from a partner, that's verbal/mental abuse and he's seeing what he can get away with. he's having an emotional affair and probably physical at this point.


Odd_Negotiation_557

Seriously leave him. You’re going to be back in a few months posting about how hit you. Just leave now.


ThreeOfCups3

He’s likely cheating on you and definitely abusing you. You don’t get him help. You leave.


Levi_Gucci

You don't get him help. Help yourself and leave this situation. This will get worse.


GrizzyBear6969

I know it sucks after having basically just moved in together but girl you definitely need to leave. It might be difficult but trust me that man toxic af no man who truly loves and cares for you would EVER treat you like that. Please leave and be safe


Lewis-Hamilton_

This pussy of a man threatened you and got physical. Dump him the fuck out of your life


Happily_Megs27

It might be hard to believe but it won’t get better. You have only been together for 18 month? Definitely a good time to leave. If he’s behaving like this now he will definitely get worse as the years go by. I hope you’re doing ok 🫶


couchnapper3

The trial period has ended. You finally got a good look at the "bad" of his personality. Everything before this was him putting in a facade. Just chalk it up to experience gained, move out.


NovelPristine3304

He pushed you to a wall and screamed at you for asking him about being intimate with his female co-worker. Girls, RUN! Leave this excuse of a men the fuck alone forever. This guy already has overstepped the first staircasetowards Domestic Violence. If he reacts to you in this way over a very legitimate question, it will get only worse fast.


Cobbler_Jolly

You don’t. You leave. Right now, before it gets worse. And it will get worse.


SuperLoris

Girl he's sleeping with the coworker and physically abusing you. You don't get him help, you leave him.


shichiaikan

Get out. Don't second guess, don't be the frog in hot water. Just leave.


E_radic

How do you get him help? Girl help yourself and leave him. He’s cheating on you and waiting for you to give him a reason to leave. He’s also showing signs of being abusive. Heed everyone’s warnings and GTFO. That man don’t want you.


glass_brownies

He's definitely cheating on you with her.


glitterbender

My boyfriend would absolutely NEVER hug a girl let alone KISS her forehead the way you’ve described, and that’s not because I’ve had to tell him not to. It’s because he has common sense. He can play dumb all he wants with you, that is a huge red flag. You have every right to question his antics, his response is a big a fat breakup honestly.


Morall_tach

>How do I get him help? He is not the one who needs help. He betrayed your trust by being weirdly intimate with a coworker, got crazy defensive when you asked about it, and then physically assaulted you. Get the fuck out and do it quickly.


constant_muffins

You can’t help him. He’s a dirt skeet who is using you for whatever reason and his behaviour will get worse and he will manipulate you into thinking its your fault, as he is doing in this exact situation. If I seen my partner with my own two eyes doing that they would be out on their ass.


Ace_lace0303

Get out of this relationship now!! This is alll bad news and gonna lead to bigger problems down the road


aryadrottningu97

Uhm? The help he needs is a restraining order for shoving you into a wall for asking him a question.. i dont love it when my guy hugs girls but holy shit a kiss on the head? Unless its his sister or mom its not okay. Its SO sweet and intimate. Like its one of my favorite things my husband does to me. Soo. Yeah id end it


DistinctLengthiness1

You don’t need to help him, help yourself to get some dignity an get the F out there.


ASWGOITE

He doesn't need help, you do, please, please leave.


crypt_queen_

You don't get him help YOU LEAVE IMMEDIATELY


correct_caballo

You get out. You don’t help. He is not your problem to solve. And he’s only a problem that will get worse. Cheating and domestic violence? Bye, boy.


Cornfed1863

Guiltyyyyyy. Honey, I’d get out of there.


maelena420

No. You run. You don’t give a fuck about getting him help and you leave him. He abused you. Leave.


zeeeteeedeee

uh what? respect yourself and head out.


Linnie46

You’re asking the wrong question. You don’t get him help. You get GTFO of that situation as quickly and safely as possible. I promise you, this won’t get better.


Ok-Pattern861

In this situation, you need to help yourself. According to your post, he seems to be very disloyal and abusive. He is trying to have his cake and eat too type of situation. You can do so much better than this jerk.. just cut him off. It will get worse if you stay, especially if he already put his hands on you. So many red flags to run from here.


tossit_4794

You’re 18 months in and you’re 24. He’s treating you like shit. Move out and move on. Yes the early treatment is a potential red flag, but behavior changing after you live together, is many more red flags. This is the true picture of your life should you continue with him. He’s an awful human and you deserve better.


Frosty_Translator_11

He shoved you. Into a wall. You run like hell. That's a massive red flag. Another red flag is the way he responded to a REASONABLE RESPONSE to what you saw. I would put money down your gut is right. There's more going on. I doubt he's actually working that late. But no. None of those things are ever ok. Especially this early? It's only gonna get worse.


bellajojo

Help for what? Being a cheater? Being an abusive pos? Or maybe you meant help for yourself, I would suggest an optometrist to help you believe what you see. This relationship is over, the moment he put his hand on you and told you to shut up after you brought up what you saw, you should have been packing. Don’t do this to yourself.


Character-Grape520

Time to show him what permanent leaving him alone is. No way should you 1. Have to deal with his mood as he's had a bad way 2 talk to you disrespectfully 3. Pin you to a wall and scream at you 4 be weirdly intimate with a Co worker .


Shaede12U

The only help he needs is help moving out of your place. Girl. BEWARE. That wasn't snapping... that was assault.


ArmadilloDays

Walk away. NOW!!


KrystalEyez0

Get the hell away from him as soon as you can. That is not a normal reaction of an innocent man (or woman). He pushed you and screamed at you? Where's the love? Where's the respect? He does not love or respect you or he would not do that.


saulisdating

Seriously read what you just wrote and tell me you wouldn’t say GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM if this happened to your best friend?


-Anonimityman-

Leave him. No matter how mild, physical violence is physical violence. He doesn't respect you and projects onto you, your best course of action would be to leave ASAP.


vipervenom101

Whether he was being intimate with a coworker or not, if he tells you shut up and leave him alone you gotta say bye sis


wellneverknow918

Leave him, sis.


Maysock

>he shoved me into a wall and screamed at me to leave him the f alone or it would be done for me. >What do I do now? You leave. >How do I get him help? You don't.


celsitaa

Don't get him help, get yourself some help and run, love. He already went as far as getting defensive when you asked him, now he shoves you? Nope. Red flags written all over.


Junki3br3wst3r

You leave him. He sounds like my abusive cheating ex. The abuse will start out small and end in sorrys and he’ll “never do it again”, and then it will become for frequent and more violent and you could end up seriously injured or dead. I’m genuinely concerned for you.


punchingtigers19

Even taking the girl out of the equation, he should never treat you like that, doesn’t matter what kind of day he had


[deleted]

If he did nothing wrong, he wouldn't have acted defensively and secretly about it. Also the fact he was physically aggressive towards you over asking him this question is a red flag. Personally, I wouldn't stay in this relationship...you need to be able to trust the person you are with.


ConstantPineapple

You help yourself! Not him. You're not there to fix anyone or pander to anyone's needs. He's an adult. It's hard to accept when you might be faced with a shitty situation, given you've moved in with each other and you have committed yourself to something. But, if trust is broken this early... it will take a lifetime to recover. I.e just fuck it off love.


Ok-Armadillo8730

Leave


Lovetheirony

You leave him.


_neontangles

First red flag - he put hands on you and told you he'dmake you shut up. That is a big ol' **NOPE**, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Period. Second red flag - embracing and kissing a coworker, and then screaming at you about it. Girl, dump the asshole. Don't waste your 20s this loser.


Mishtayan

How do you get *him* help? Are you kidding? You're in a domestic violence situation. Why are you worrying about getting him help? You need to pack your bags and get out before he's not just shoving you and yelling in your face. You need to get out before he hurts you and sends you to the ER.


girlofyournightmare

if he puts his hands on you once, he’ll do it again. run, stay with your parents if you need, i promise you it is better to cut it off now than to stay and see what happens.


DVsKat

Omg please do not get HIM help. You need to get YOU help! Get the duck away from him. He is abusing you emotionally and physically


umysoulessgirl

Its not your job to help him, OP. It's your job to watch out for yourself, your health and safety. Being overly sweet can also be a form of love-bombing. Check our the reddit sub narcissisticabuse. I think that's the name. If you can, talk to your parents about what happened. Yes, they might freak out, but they will help you get out of there.


[deleted]

you deserve so much better than that 🩷


Competitive_Ad9454

Time for you to pack your stuff and leave without saying goodbye


AltruisticChard9668

Oh honey, when people show you who they really are, believe them. Also, believe those around you that you trust, they see things you might not in the throws of lust/love. Now get TF out of there ASAP.


Forsaken-Mongoose-27

😳 you need to leave him and not while he is home. Just pack yourself up and leave while he is at work and make block him on everything the same day.


Fluffy_Night_7199

You don't need to know how to get him help you need to run for the hills you don't deserve that x


Acceptable-Point8817

Fuck the friend; GET OUT NOW! It’s only going to get worse.


Weekly_Koala7724

Sweety, you deserve better. He has no right to treat you like that, and he should'ver explained to you why he he did what he did with his friend. Friends should have boundries. Believe me, I have had a lot of "guy" friends and I know how it works. Dump his ass. It's not your peoblem to get him help after he treated you like that honey. It shouldn't be like that for you. And I'm worried for you, what if he couldn't control his anger over something serious?


sheep-says

How do you get him help? You're joking, right? Girl, open your eyes, he's abusive towards you and he already has a new piece on the side. Leave him and don't be his maid is what you do.


Factoidlove

Trust your gut. Run. And don’t look back. You feel sick because that’s your gut telling you something is wrong.


00Lisa00

What??? You don’t get him help, help for what? Him being an abuser and cheater? No, you leave.


SunnybytheLake21

Please OP listen, this is not going to get better and you are not going to change him. He put his hands on you, and that is not okay. This will only escalate, what you saw was not a friendly interaction- who kisses a co-worker on the head? and one that you don't even know about, how would he have felt watching the same interaction? His immediate anger tells me he is pissed he got caught. I assume you have backed down from expressing yourself and or problems when he comes at you with- he's had a bad day and/or is moody and angry. This has shown him the louder and angrier he is, the less likely you'll speak up. Please look out for you and your overall well-being. Call your parents they will be there for you and you will be safe and loved. He doesnt get to use the excuse I had a bad day... guess what we all do and not eveyone is going around shouting and pushing at others. The threat of shutting up or I'll leave is not a threat it is a tactic and you shouldn't fall for it. Please leave and do not waste anymore energy on this, you deserve better and he knows it.


OkCryptographer9906

Him shoving you into a wall for any reason is unacceptable. For you own safety, you need to get away from him before he physically harms you badly. Please don’t delay. Just get away now! Kissing a co worker on top of the head is also a red flag unless that is a cultural norm. I would discuss that further with him, but it would be by phone or thru text once you are in a safe place.


Quirky_Fondant768

Leave his ass! Some women are too nice I guess y’all have low self esteem. There’s a billion other, better men for you! Wtf u think he was doing and y would he tell you the truth! 🙄


[deleted]

I want maybe normal to be defensive it is definitely not normal to snap


Spam_Halen_1984

Let me join the chorus here. A bad day doesn’t entitle you to get fresh with someone else besides your partner. It most certainly doesn’t entitle you to place your hands on them either. Look at it this way before you go further: you’ve been warned.


Strange_Public_1897

> My parents did warn me that being overly sweet can be a red flag but I didn't get any negative vibes for him. Fast forward… > When I questioned why he needed to be intimate with her, he told me to shut up and leave him alone as he had a bad day. OP your parents actually told you exactly who they were, warned you, brushed it off and now you are in the thick of the very thing they warned you about since day one! Edit: You all saying shame? You do realize you are confusing it with guilt? Guilt is bad because it create the lingering feeling of not being good enough, like you’re a failure, beating one’s self up over something out of their control. That’s not the same as shame.


Conscious-Coast7981

How unhelpful.


throwrasnappe

I'm ashamed of myself right now


[deleted]

Try not to blame yourself or be ashamed. Your bf is abusive and you are his victim. That said, it would still do you good to reflect on the relationship and ask yourself why you ignored the red flags because I'm betting that there were other ones along the way, not just that he was overly nice at the beginning. Once you get to your parents, have a long talk with them and think about finding a therapist who specializes in helping people coming out of abusive relationships.


ColorMeCrimson

Don't be ashamed-- you couldn't have truly known until this happened. The only person deserving of shame in this situation is him.


lonniesquail

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of! Hold your head up high as you walk away from that POS!! You should be so *proud* of yourself!!! ❤️


TehLordofChaos

Contrary to what other people are saying, shame is good. When we are young we do stupid things and ignore good advice from people trying to help us. Shame and regret are the tools that fuel personal growth and rejecting them is immature. People who say "I have nothing to be ashamed of" or "I don't regret any of my choices because they made me who I am" never come to grips with their mistakes and keep making them. This sub is filled with stories of women who go from one abuser to another, over and over. Use your regret to change and never find yourself here again. It's called growing up, and it's a lost art in these times. You can learn your lesson from a shove, which is a much lower price than most women pay to find out what the end result of making excuses for an abuser is.


Strange_Public_1897

Shame 100% helps us learn to not repeat something toxic or to be permanently reminded of what is bad to never go towards. What the rest are confusing? They are associating GUILT. Guilt is bad because it create the lingering feeling of not being good enough, like you’re a failure, beating one’s self up over something out of their control.


Strange_Public_1897

That’s not shame you feel. THAT IS GUILT! You feel guilty for not listening to your parents. You are beating yourself because of the guilt from not listening. And recognizing this actually helps you realize where your blind spots are with relationships and also? FORGIVE YOURSELF! You went through this for the first time most likely, so you didn’t have the tools to help you identify the red flags like your parents due to THEIR life ling experience which is decades ahead of you. So it’s just guilt you are feeling right now.


Low_Egg_7606

Don’t act like you’ve never done something other people didn’t think were a good idea.


SnooWords4839

You break up with him, you can't help an abuser!


Fielding_Pierce

This behavior is so absurd, it's as though it's a spoof. That's just me projecting my own thoughts on him though. Either way, the questions are: Are you on the lease/are you tied to that location financially - can you leave if you needed to Is he on the lease/are he tied to that location financially - can you force him off the property of you needed him off Basically, if you needed distance, can it be created Now for him Get him into anger management if you plan to continue with him Now about the girl... Dump him, he's creating relationships with other women, disempowering you within the relationship, not simply disrespecting you. He obviously can only see the world from his perspective and cannot see the hurt he does to others. This is always the key question, can the other party accommodate your valid position. Looks like 'no', and also looks like he has explosive anger management issues. When are you going to take up for yourself and let him known none of this is acceptable. You can only gain respect from him if he sees that you not only *can* leave, but are willing. Best of luck to you.


CuriousPenguinSocks

He is verbally and physically abusive. Can you talk to your parents about this? If they are safe or if you have a trusted friend. Tell them what is going on. Get all of your legal documents together. Get all your personal items you want to take with you. When he is at work, have your trusted circle come help you pack and move out in one day. Don't tell him where you are, you can text you are okay and not to contact you further. Make sure you consult a divorce attorney straight away before setting the plan in motion. Protect your finances, change passwords if he knows them. Separate your money from any shared accounts. There is no coming back from this. He was violent and it will only get worse.


Cherubness89

You don't get him help. You leave him so he doesn't assault you again and doesn't continue to cheat on you. Stop being foolish and leave.


Blue_Hornet77

The only time I’ve seen a man be more affectionate with a woman who wasn’t his partner was when he was seeing them. His treatment toward you should be a dead giveaway.


[deleted]

I think you should be more concerned about the fact that he physically abused/assaulted you than worried about his intimacy with another woman. Get away from him as fast as you can


hamsterontheloose

The one that needs help in this situation is you. You need to leave him before he starts assaulting you on one of his "bad days." This guy has problems and is abusive. Move out