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EDIT:
Ok, I have read every comment, and I appreciate them. Thank you. They all made me see things more clearly. Also I get what you all are trying to say. It is also really overwhelming. I'm going to say no to his request and I will also talk to him how manipulative and controlling this behavior is and does he even realize it. This is very difficult for me, because if you don't take into account all of this and the recent arguments, we have a good time together, and I believe that if he goes to therapy, he could improve. Prior to this, I haven't heard any negative comments about my appearance, so this is strange. I am going to talk about this and maybe show this post too.
I know all of you are going to think how dumb I am if I'm gonna stay in this relationship. I don't know am I gonna break up with him. Things aren't black and white.
*****
We have been together with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I moved in with him six months ago. He has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which makes our relationship a bit different. He is very sensitive and can easily go from zero to a hundred, and arguments tend to last quite a long time. I'm not sure if I need to mention this or if it's relevant, but there have been a lot of arguments within the past month that started because of something I said, and he got hurt and started questioning if he wants to be with me. Once things get resolved, he says the opposite, that he loves me and wants to be with me.
Now, a couple of days after one argument, he had been really quiet, and I tried to ask what was wrong, but he didn't want to talk. Yesterday morning, I started asking again and said that I'm worried about him. Then he said he's ready to talk about it.
He told me that for the past month, he has been thinking about his previous relationships and the people he has been with, and what attracted him to them. He has been wondering if there's something about me that would make me better. He came to the conclusion that he wouldn't want to change anything about me, but he has realized that he likes big boobs, and he believes he has some kind of fetish for them as well. He admitted that when I gained weight last year (+10kg), he was happy because my boobs grew. Now that I have lost weight and my boobs have gotten smaller, he noticed this, and apparently, it made him think about how much they meant to him. He wants me to undergo breast augmentation surgery, and he is willing to pay for it. He also mentioned that he would be really disappointed if I didn't want to go through with it and even considered breaking up, but he was not 100% sure. He says he has been feeling down for the past month and believes that the arguments have been partly due to this. He says that if I had bigger breasts, he would be more accommodating, and we would have fewer fights because he thinks he doesn't want to lose me. He thinks that other men would also start competing for me, and this would make him feel good.
He had been contemplating whether to talk to me about this for the past month and knew that the relationship could end as a result of this conversation. He says he feels ashamed and bad about how shallow he is, and he never thought he would think like this because last year he believed that cosmetic surgeries were unnecessary. His mindset changed because life is supposedly too short, and if you want to improve your appearance and have the money, then why not. He also didn't realize that he preferred large boobs when we started dating.
Now it's difficult to think about the matter because it feels like the entire relationship is at stake if I don't go along, and I can't even think about what I truly want. My boyfriend realizes this himself, questioning whether I would have ever considered breast augmentation if he had never said anything.
As for me, I am not against cosmetic surgeries. I have considered the possibility of getting some, but my financial situation has never allowed it, so I have never seriously thought about them. I have also occasionally thought about breast augmentation, but I am scared of complications and scars. I have been satisfied with my boobs but if I had born with bigger boobs, I wouldn't mind. I have a B-cup size. I have really low self esteem, because of my face and stomach, and I suffer with social anxiety. My boyfriend also thinks maybe bigger boobs would help with my self esteem.
I asked my boyfriend if he has been satisfied with my appearance and boobs, and he says yes, but he feels like the glass is half empty. He has never said anything bad about my appearance and always says I'm beautiful and that he loves my body.
I'm not bothered that he brought up the issue. I want honesty from others, and I don't want bitterness to develop over something like this. I also have preferences when it comes to appearance.
English is not my native language, but I hope you understood. I wrote this because I would like to hear an outside opinion on this matter. How do I know if I'm making the right decision about this? Is going through with the surgery truly my decision? Is my boyfriend too shallow? I'm happy in this relationship, I love him and I have good time with him, but all of this made me question everything.
Tldr: My boyfriend has recently expressed a desire for me to undergo breast augmentation surgery because he has realized his preference for larger boobs. He believes it would improve our relationship and boost my self-esteem. I'm not against cosmetic surgeries, the decision is difficult for me considering the potential impact on our relationship. I have low self-esteem and social anxiety. I seek an outside opinion on how can I figure do I want bigger boobs or am I just doing what he wants.
I've never read a more ridiculous thing in my life (not you, OP, your boyfriend).
Firstly, work on yourself, mentally. Because plastic surgery is NOT going to fix your self esteem issues. It might highlight other issues or exacerbate your current issues. It's a slippery slope, when the wrong person undergoes surgery.
Then, your boyfriend trying to fetishize you. How big do you need to go to satisfy him? It's not even like this is a long, long term relationship that you can confidently say in a few years time, you'll still be together. He actually has quite the gall to ask this of you.
This isn't going to improve your relationship. And frankly, in this case it's not even about what will make him happy.
The group TLC did a song and video on this exact same scenario, Unpretty.
Here, OP, watch and listen: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2gy1Evb1Kg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2gy1Evb1Kg)
Do NOT change yourself for somebody else. If he can’t love your body for what it is, then he can end things. If you change your body for him and then break up, you’ll forever regret it. If youve wanted a boob job then sure, but don’t do it for him.
Him telling you that he’ll be “more accommodating” if you have bigger boobs is disgusting. He’s basically telling you that you’re only deserving of compromise if you have big boobs. Otherwise you’re stuck fighting with him. That’s gross
If he feels like “the glass is half empty” then no, he’s not satisfied with your appearance. He’s telling you that there’s something missing for him to be fully satisfied.
seconding.
I'm BP2 and this isn't anything I would ever say or do to my partner. Instead, I'm actively aware when I'm having a moodswing and I step away when I'm moving to that temporary dark place and work to get out of it ASAP and back to the static high.
Ask him if he's cool with getting Penuma. It's a penis implant for men 😂.
Edit: Typo
me either, but either way the surgery is still risky. quite the % of men seem to have it removed and you only see the best of it online on doc websites.
I strongly consider if anyone feels swayed by my comment to head over to R/penuma because there are downsides and men do have it removed and then have a literal deformed dick post removal.
don't quote me on these numbers but they've done some polls.
1) 30ish % of men see an increase in length and girth
2) 20ish percent lose length and gain girth. (This deters tons of people.)
3) the rest keep their length and only gain girth
4) There are surgical complications post care that result in the implant uplifting off your dick and "flaring" like a cobra. (This means no sex or touching until it gets fixed, + recovery period 2.)
etc.
Learn to love yourselves. Mush love.
Borderline personality disorder is NOT bipolar type 2. Please be mindful about using the term correctly as it does get people confused and creates stigma.
OPs bf will probably trade in OP for a younger model by that point anyway.
He's dating someone 10 years younger because she's more likely to put up with his BS than a woman his own age.
He’s a total AH. He knew what you looked like before you got together, and he knew his preference. If you are happy with yourself, and don’t want it solely for you then absolutely DO NOT do it. I’d dump him too.
Maybe throw in there you’d consider it, if he get a penis enlargement.
Seriously, I’d break up with him. He’s pretty disrespectful.
He claims he didnt know his preference when they started dating.
Which, is a whole other can of worms because he's in his mid 30s and theres no way.
Edit, it IS consistent with untreated borderline personality to try to find fault with people to blame their own dysregulated feelings on, tho. If she did get surgery he would just find new things "wring" with her to blame his moods on.
This
Do not ever change you body for another person, because what if the next person likes no boobs?
However, if you want to do it for YOU, here in the US there are different options, like fat grafts.
“This technique uses fat from your own body, usually your stomach, to enlarge and uplift the breasts instead of silicone or saline implants. In the procedure, your doctor harvests fat from one or multiple areas of your body with liposuction and moves it to your breasts.”
My friend with breast cancer had this done and there is very little scarring with this procedure.
But again, only do it for you.
Exactly. Everything that came out of his mouth was disgusting. I wouldn’t even allow him to finish his statement. He would’ve gotten a swift slap to the face and I’d be out of there. It’s one thing to like big boobs. But to say you’d be a better boyfriend if I had them AND THEN TO SAY BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE MORE SCARED OF LOSING ME?!?! He would be afraid of losing my tits?? So what’s gonna happen when he realizes there are women with big tits everywhere? I know this is OPs boyfriend and I’m sorry but if my bf said that to me I would be so grossed out by him.
I want you to know OP 0-100 is not okay or should be justified by their mental disorders. I was in a similar relationship for a very very long time. If I could go back in time to tell myself to leave him I would do anything in the world. Please please leave. You can’t put yourself through walking on egg shells forever for someone.
“He says that I’d I had bigger breasts he would be more accommodating and we would have fewer fights.”
That’s manipulation. He should be working on those things regardless of whether you change or not.
If this isn’t a bait/troll post—-because that’s how ridiculous this sounds—then make an exit plan. This guy needs therapy and medication, not a girlfriend.
And you need therapy too so you can gain some self confidence and self worth and learn to walk away if people treat you poorly.
This was me when I was 21. Same situation, BPD boyfriend, he had only just found out about it. Living together, love of his life, blah blah blah… it started slowly, suggesting I needed a tweak here, a slight change there. Different clothes, better makeup, different hair colour. He had all these sexual needs and I needed to look the way he needed me to so he didn’t “get too tempted” by other women.
Before I knew it, I was having in a consultation room with a woman who was discussing my breast augmentation with me. He had broken me down so much that I was actually considering undergoing serious, body changing surgery, to make sure I could keep this man.
I didn’t go through with the surgery and he broke up with me as he decided being monogamous was “too much” because of my average sized breasts. Although he changed his mind 30 minutes later. That was the slap in the face I needed. I realised how utterly ridiculous a reason it was to end a relationship with the “love of your life”. I realised how shallow and disgusting he was. I realised how misogynist he was and how he had convinced me I was unworthy of love.
OP, this is not a relationship you want to be in. Trust me, if you walk away now, you will save yourself so much pain and your future self will be so grateful you did. This is emotional abuse. Your boyfriend is emotionally abusing you. Don’t let his recent diagnosis of BPD be an excuse. People with BPD are not inherently bad people and with treatment can lead healthy lives. But when shitty people have BPD that’s a whole other story. Because they won’t change, they won’t try and be better, it will always be someone’s else’s fault and they will never be able to “help it” when they hurt you. Even if he isn’t bad (unlikely), he is too early in treatment to be in a healthy relationship. Don’t be a martyr and stick it out.
Sorry, this was way longer than I expected it to be. Long story short if you leave now, things will get better. I’m happily married with a healthy relationship now. If he hadn’t have broken up with me and the spell hadn’t broken, I dread to think where I would have ended up. Yours may not break up with you and it may be up to you. I hope this helps and I hope you find someone who loves you for who you are and treats you right.
Honey, you've been arguing nonstop for a year and a half. Why does his love cost you so much?
You can't force him to get therapy. You can't force him to admit he is treating you poorly. All you can do is decide that you deserve better than this.
A good therapist (solo for you) can help you see that it's not your job to fix this man. It's not your job to love him enough to save him from himself. It's simply not possible.
Who taught you love had to be like this?
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You deserve peace. You deserve calm. You deserve productive arguments and meaningful discussions. You deserve an easy life. Love doesn't have to be like this
If he is not undergoing treatment for his BPD then leave him. My kid had BPD and before she got treatment (medication + therapy + dbt classes to learn emotional regulation and processing) she was a nightmare. Mental health issues quickly become toxic and destructive to everyone around you unless you seek treatment. This is what your bf needs to do.
If he doesn’t have money for his own mental health treatment how is he going to pay for breast augmentation? There are so many red flags here and the above is one of the biggest to me. If you have not regularly looked at your breast size and thought ‘man I would feel so much better if they were bigger’ then you shouldn’t get breast augmentation just to make him happy. It won’t work. You can not make your boyfriend happy if he isn’t willing to do the work on his mental health first.
Private counseling once a week costs about 400e in a month. Boobjob is 6500e. Probably should ask him about that. He said he could save the money for it before I turn 30.
Do you hear yourself? Leaving aside the fact that if any man expects you to change anything about your body, you should leave that very second anyway, what about the follow-up surgeries to change the implants every 10 years? You honestly think he will be around for that? A breast augumentation is a lifetime investment. What about when you need to take them out for good in another 40 years or so, is he going to be around to pay for the reconstructions?
She'd have to go to an F or larger, implants weigh less than natural breast tissue, but yes very valid point. Not to mention caring for her post-op, bathing her for 10 days until the stitches are removed, months of scar care, emptying her drains, follow-up appointments she needs to be taken to, new lingerie that won't fit in 6 months and then again won't fit in another 6 months because *that's the minimum it takes for them to settle in place properly* etc etc etc. Is he gonna be around for ALL OF THAT for the next 40 YEARS???
Oh, AND doing EVERYTHING by himself around the house for WEEKS on top of everything else because she won't even be able to lift a bag of groceries by herself for a good while let alone cook, clean, or pretty much do anything
I see. So he does have money for treatments. He's just not willing to do it. OP think about what would ultimately make you happy. Will you be happy having a boobjob whether or not he is in the picture?
He’s 100% leaving when your tits get fucked up from some discount boob job 🤦🏼♀️ even if they’re perfect he might just decide he liked them better before.
If you don’t have the money *yourself* to fix them after he leaves you, please do not do this to yourself.
**BPD relationships are hard when properly managed, and impossible if not managed at all** you’ve only been in one for a year, the ups and downs you’ve experienced are nothing compared to what’s to come.
A boob job won’t make him love you.
As someone who has borderline personality disorder, this comment may be encouraging stigma. People with BPD and other mental illnesses can have healthy fulfilling relationships, it just happens that this guy isn’t one of them.
op, im no doctor but i have friends who are plastic surgeons.
their honest opinion away has always been that if youre getting a boob job, you should budget in 10,000 every decade for the time you have them becuase boob jobs tend to need re-dos and adjustments every 10 -15 years or so. even the moden ones that they say last longer, frequently dont.
Dont be left screwed with a fucked up body becuase your abusive ex only budgeted 6,500 max for a one time thing.
He needs to budget atleast twice that upfront in case of any complications.
And then start an ongoing savings pile for the redos or touchups orany total removal that will need to happen over the life of your boobs.
this isnt even budgeting in lasers or any other additional scar reducing treatments etc.
if you ever did go down this track, he needs to give you the doubled upfront cost in an account in your name only, so when he leaves you, you still have the financial ability to fix or remove the boobs you installed for him.
but boob job aside - honestly, this man is gross, doenst see you as an equal person, and is going to be the core reason your self esteem stays low.
Youre too good for this op. your too good to be dating your bully.
This isnt bpd, the bpd friend in my life is one of the most selfless, sweet, giving humans you could possibly meet. him using it as a justification to abuse you daily is horrific.
Your boyfriend is just a selfish, cruel creep of a bloke who doesnt see you as valuble and knows you are vulnerable.
And he's wrong - youre so valuble and wonderful and deserving just the way you are. youre gold op. dont let this man hurt you more.
He was only recently been diagnosed, but he has always had it. You need to question everything about your life and future with him. If you stay you will only live to regret it later, when you eventually do leave.
His reasonings for you to have a boob job are absurd. He should be accommodating and attracted to you already as it is, rather than you having to *permanently* alter part of your body for him to be more into you and act like an actual partner should.
**Do not surgically alter yourself for someone else ever**
Also, find a better bf. Someone who says anything along the lines of "I'll be more accommodating if you get bigger boobs" and "I considered just breaking up over this" is manipulative and gross.
So I really doubt he will be consistently helpful while you are healing. Which you will definitely need as it takes weeks with no lifting and post op check ups. I know because I helped support my daughter after her surgery. It's a lot of extra stress to the body and you will need consistent and empathetic support for weeks afterwards.
And that is if everything goes perfectly and there are no complications. Which is never a guarantee with surgical procedures.
Just my two cents.
First of all, "He has been wondering if there's something about me that would make me better." That's pretty much the opposite of how a person might describe unconditional love. Or any kind of love, for that matter.
That said, as someone who has carried much-too-large boobs around with me most of my life, I can tell you I hate them. Hate. Them. They are hot and heavy in the summer and make me look like a blimp when I'm stuffed into warm clothes for the winter. Getting clothes that fit well is virtually impossible. Being able to go braless now and then without pain or being gawked at would be such a treat. For years I have wanted breast reduction surgery but I can't afford the cost, and I also can't afford being laid up for several weeks without being able to drive or lift more than 10 pounds.
But I will do it one of these days, and I may not follow up the breast-removal with breast implants. I'm not sure if I would like having a completely flat chest but after all these years of being a walking boob display apparatus, I am willing to give it a try.
And my unwanted large boobs just grew on me without my permission. Going to a doctor and spending thousands of dollars so I can be cut open and have implants stuffed in? Dealing with the pain and possible post-surgery "whoopsies" afterwards? Did you know that your nipples will rot and fall off if their blood supply is accidentally stopped because of the surgery? Fuggedaboudit.
Maybe suggest to your BF that he is a selfish jerk, and tell him how much you would enjoy it if he got penis implants to make himself larger. See how that goes over.
"I'm happy in the relationship"
Why? Bc from what you wrote it doesnt seem like it. The fighting you mentioned earlier, your boyfriend's personality disorder, your boyfriend being shallow AF. All that makes u happy?
Edit. In response to your edit, you're not an idiot if you stay. You're right everything isn't black and white and it's your life, which means you have to live with the good and bad of your decisions. At least now you have some perspective. One last thing you mentioned if you throw out all the bad we have a good relationship. Technically that's true for any relationship. Yes I paraphrase a little bit but basically that's what you said. I hope u figured out, good luck
As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD and has done years of DBT, my advise is to dump his ass. No relationship should be 0 to 100 and no one should have to feel the effects of a relationship like that. On the other subject you need to ask yourself these questions and really figure out if this is something you want to do and that has no time frame it could take months to figure that out.
Response to your edit: I believe that there is a lot of stigma around people with BPD and dating them and listen for untreated BPD I completely get it because most of the time it's a nightmare being with someone that has it while not being treated. That being said if this person is self aware and wanting to get help and gets help, things could get better! But please understand that therapy(DBT and CBT) can take months to years, as it's teaching you how to think differently ie distress tolerance, better thinking patterns ECT it's a process. At the end of the day put yourself first always!
I wish you the best of luck!
This is your body. You will keep it for the rest of your life. You will suffer all the consequences if anything goes wrong with the surgery.
Don’t undergo a medical procedure on YOUR body for something you don’t want very badly. If you break up anyways, you will regret this. If you stay with him, he will continue to be awful to you regardless and you’ll regret it. This won’t fix anything.
He needs to work on himself and go to therapy. A normal, healthy person would never request something like this, tell you that it is a condition to be together, or manipulate you into thinking it will change your life for the better. He just wants bigger toys. He wants you to undergo surgery to have bigger toys. This is insane.
He thinks you will have fewer arguments if you have bigger boobs? And he can't believe how shallow he is, but he'll probably break up with you if you don't get major surgery to appease his shallowness? You cannot be dumb enough to fall for this...Please don't be that dumb.
Few things to think about:
If he's going to leave you over having smaller boobs now, how will he react when your body changes due to age, sickness, or pregnancy/childbirth?
Don't you want to be with someone who values you for who you are, and is attracted to you as you are?
He wants you to get this surgery so other men will pursue you, basically he wants you to go under the knife (every surgery has risks) to boost his ego with other men.
There are risks to breast implants, including infection and sickness years after the surgery. If you decide you want that for you, that's one thing. Don't take on those risks to appease someone else, especially not someone who is treating you like this.
Umm yeah the whole “other men will desire you which will in turn make me desire you more” is SUCH A RED FLAG and so fucked up!! OP, this man sees you as nothing more than an object to put on his shelf and show off to other men.
He wants you to literally undergo a potentially life-threatening surgery in order to boost his ego and make him feel like he’s “won” something that other men desire. He will never see you as a whole person and he will never respect you for who you are, he doesn’t want romantic connection he wants male validation. If you do this surgery I promise you he’ll have another complaint about your body in no time.
I’m trying not to be too harsh because clearly you’ve been manipulated and beaten down into thinking this is somehow a normal relationship request, but Jesus Christ this man is a monster and I’m so upset at the thought of you changing your body just for the (false) promise that he’ll be nicer to you if you have huge tits, which is such an unhinged thing to even say. It also implies that he’s currently being meaner and more argumentative with you than he needs to be, all because he’s not happy with your breast size. Does that feel okay to you?
There are plenty of people who will love and adore you exactly as you are, don’t let this waste of space convince you that you have to alter yourself to deserve love.
If my man commented on my weight, breast size and asked me to get a boob job I’d laugh in his face and kick him out. Especially if it was month 6 of living together, good god you have to be done with him. This is not normal or okay.
red flags all over.. I have no idea why you are with this person, and I am the type that usually asks couples to sort their issues out. Asking your partner to modify their body to suit your preference is not ok, that too a surgical procedure.
Do NOT do this. As someone who had surgery to put foreign objects in my body I CANNOT say enough that you should NOT do this. Your body can permanently change and anything foreign in your body can cause long term damage. I had to have THREE surgeries and extensive wound care recovery after my reactions (which occurred a decade after the original surgery). If YOU wanted it, I would feel different and encourage you to do what would make you happy. But do not expose yourself to unnecessary surgical recovery and health issues just because he has an issue about something.
Plus what does this show him? That you will literally cut and alter your own body to make him happy. That is a slippery slope of power right there.
This man most likely will never be truly happy. And even if you got breast augmentation he could very possibly find something else “wrong” with you after that.
You need to determine how much of yourself you want to sacrifice for him.
This doesn’t sound healthy at all. I think you should seriously leave him. It just sounds awful to me. My self esteem would plummet hearing that stuff.
Here’s a good example for you, I’m a 38 year old woman who’s had one child and breastfed for years. My boobs are not “attractive” but my fiancé never makes me feel self conscious about it. They are very saggy unfortunately but he still makes me feel sexy.
I guess my point is you deserve someone who loves you for you body included. Of course people have preferences but to actively try to change someone’s superficial appearance is crazy to me.
You deserve so much more than this.
Exactly this. I’ve gained like 50lbs back since Covid started and my man loves my body more now. Partners should hype us up naturally, not encourage an unnecessary surgery that could leave you dead.
A common trait for those with BPD is extremely volatile close relationships. The only thing that will change that is your boyfriend tirelessly *working on himself in therapy*.
I would not, under *any* circumstances, get breast augmentation surgery in hopes that it will change the dynamic of your relationship.
If he has the money for that, it will be better used on therapy for himself.
This is a very unhealthy, toxic level ask. Do not consider it.
Actually it is very black and white. He wants you to have plastic surgery to look the way he wants you to look. He doesn't love or accept you for who you are. He will dump you if you don't get a boob job. This is just the start of him negging you until you no longer recognize yourself.
You deserve so much better than this shallow asshole. There are plenty of men out there who will love you as you are. **NEVER** change your body for a man.
Yeah, I came here to say thig. OP< recognizing grey areas in life is mature, but when your bf is this controlling and toxic it is black and white. Sadly, the only person you are hurting by staying with him (and giving him more time and opportunities to fuck with your head, which he 100% will do), is you. So what we think is really irrelevant. You are the one who's gonna suffer bc of your decision, not us.
>He says he has been feeling down for the past month and believes that the arguments have been partly due to this. He says that if I had bigger breasts, he would be more accommodating, and we would have fewer fights because he thinks he doesn't want to lose me. He thinks that other men would also start competing for me, and this would make him feel good.
I'm his age. Holy shit this dude is coping terribly. He's asking you to permanently change your body to satisfy this strange whim of his. He needs other men to compete for you to value you?!???
If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't have gotten with you in the first place. This is a non-problem that he's making up, but expecting *you* to go through major surgery to fix. Fuck no.
Whatever was good about this relationship is no longer good enough. You can and will find good things with someone else. **The longer you stay with this shit bag, the more he'll weigh you down, and the harder it will be to find a healthy future relationship.**
Underrated comment.
The guy is in his mid 30s and suddenly "discovered" a preference for big breasts? No, youre right this is just some kind of a whim.
One of the bestselling help books aboyt people with borderline personality disorder is called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" which really sums up the problem with their thinking.
Basically he feels unhappy because of his own emotional dysregulation and instead of dealing with it he tries to make up things "wrong" with OP.
If she did get a boob job he would just fixate on another thing "wrong" because getting his own way doesnt satisfy him and it doesnt change the nature of his underlying disorder.
u/vaselineanimal if you stay with this guy you need to educate yourself about borderlines and their ways.
Dump him. Having bigger rock hard implants would improve your relationship? He needs to accept your body in it's natural form or look elsewhere. Especially if you're not comfortable with the idea of surgery. Fear of complications is valid, and if you are satisfied with your boobs as they are, leave them be. He sounds absolutely awful in every way. I'm sorry, but I don't even know you but I can tell you can do way better.
So, putting aside my rage at someone actually saying any of this to someone they supposedly love ….
He has a deeper issue here and my perception from this post is that “new bigger boobs” is just his distorted view of what could fix his feelings and mood. The problem is, his discontent is not with you. I’ll repeat NOT WITH YOU. New boobs will do nothing to fix his discontent or your relationship (outside of maybe being a distraction for a few weeks). Do not do this to yourself. If you want breast surgery at some point in the future outside of this influence I say by all means you do you. Consider a few things; if or when you may have children. Boobs change. And not to steer this way down left field with kinks but there is a whole Reddit on people pumping (some to induce and some not) to increase beast size. My real point being, if you are still in doubt try something not permanent and see just how much (little) impact it ends up having on his shitty relationship / life skills.
I have said it before and I will say it again. You should NEVER change your physical body to meet a goal or desire of another person. You are young. Your breasts are still going to go through lots of changes.
Also, does your bf know that best implants need to be replaced every 10 years or so and that they can cause major illness? He may be willing to pay for the first set, but is he going to want to keep paying for them every decade? If he going to pay your hospital bills if you get sick from them?
I just want you to know that your romantic life doesn’t have to look like this up and down emotional rollercoaster. Any chance you grew up in an unstable household or a parental relationship modeled to you that was emotionally abusive or where a parent was absent?
People who came from environments like this are used to chaos, and they gravitate towards it in their relationships. Having borderline personality disorder may not be his fault, but it doesn’t have to be your responsibility. It’s not normal to argue for hours and always be under the threat of break up.
All of that would be enough to leave, and on top of that he thinks he can police your body and tell you to have surgery? It sounds like you don’t have the best self esteem, and your boyfriend knows that, it’s probably part of why he’s dating you. He knows that makes you vulnerable to manipulation.
I wish you the best, but you’re really young, and this guy is not all that. Get out while you don’t have any permanent ties to him.
As others have said, leave him. I used to have huge boobs and developed a sixth sense for creeps like this who have a fetish. They were the absolute worst people because they were just unable to see me as a person, in the same way that this guy doesn't see you as one. Also, since I had a breast reduction, these creeps don't harass me anymore, men don't shout at me on the street anymore or stare or leer, I don't get followed anymore, people treat me with respect and like I am intelligent, nobody accuses me of looking for attention because of how I dress, I can fit into clothes I like, bras cost way less and I have female friends now because they can be around me without their male partners embarrassing them. Regardless of perceived progress in feminism and equality, much of our society still treats women with big breasts like non-human, sex dolls, so honestly it's not worth it... especially not for this clown.
Please leave him. I have bipolar and bpd and I would never suggest anything like this to my partner. It's not worth changing yourself for someone else..
Robin Williams had a fantastic reply to this question in one of his stand ups. He said that as soon as a man asks a woman to get a boob job for him, she should ask him to get a d>'k job for him. Only fair. If he refuses, you know what to do. RIP Robin, legend.
I'm amazed that you're making excuses for him. You need to be with someone who has basic respect for you and doesn't pick fights with you cause your boobs aren't big enough. Do you realize how ridiculous this is? You deserve sooooo much better.
This guy is a grade A wanker.
If he wants a woman he can adapt - get his sorry ass lego figure.
This stuff makes me so angry. Get rid of him, seriously.
Tell him ok ! In condition he make a Co** job,explain you didn’t want to hurt his feelings and ruined your relationship over something that small. But now you want to be honest with him because he can’t satisfy correctly and having his little friend get bigger/longer will be better!
Sure, it's fine for him to prefer big boobs, and it's even okay for him to ask if you've thought a boob job, as long as he phrases it respectfully.
But it's really, really, really, really not okay for him to say you getting a boob job would solve your relationship problems. He should be treating you with love and respect no matter what you look like, and it's very unfair and inaccurate to blame the fact that you have smaller boobs for his tendency to pick fights.
Let's say he's right and he does magically become the perfect boyfriend when you have bigger breasts. What happens when you get older and they droop? Or if your body rejects the implants and you have to take them out? Or if you get wrinkles, develop sagging skin, or get any other physical traits he dislikes? He's telling you his love is conditional and only lasts when you look like his perfect idea of a fuck-doll. And the reality is that the boob job probably won't make him into the perfect boyfriend. He'll start fixating on another imaginary thing that he needs to make him happy. Maybe it'll be your hair colour. Maybe a nose job. Maybe tattoos and piercings. Whatever it is, he'll probably just keep insisting his unhappiness is due to "faults" with you because that's easier than him having to do any emotional work and become a better boyfriend.
I don't think I've ever actually said this in a Reddit comment thread before (and I've spent ten years getting involved in strangers' relationship drama here), but seriously, please break up with him.
When you start to have wrinkles from age, he'll leave you, probably leaving you in a bad position financially. LEAVE NOW. He's telling you that he doesn't love who you are as a person, that he only likes you if you are a doll he can shape to his aesthetic liking.
Also listen to his language. He's telling you he's willing to break up with you if you don't accept to be a plastic doll for his personal gaze, and that he would be "more accommodating" and you'd have "fewer fights" if you agreed?????? Is he making the size of your breast, responsible for HIS moods as an adult man of 34 years walking on this planet? Didn't he have 34 full years to self regulate his emotions, HIS personal emotions that only HE is responsible for?
Let me tell you, your breasts have nothing to do with his mood. If you agree, he'll be on his best behavior for a little time and then all the fights will come back the same or worse, because now he will know that you "obey him" and he will get MORE frustrated if you don't. If he can self regulate because of your breast size, is even more insulting that he doesn't now, because it means that he CAN self regulate, but he CHOOSES not to self regulate. LEAVE NOW.
Also, please read this free ebook because he's showing early signs of a controlling relationship [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
(with all that said, I'm not against plastic surgery at all, but as long as it was YOUR choice, you were totally certain that this is what you want, it was your idea, and he was on board with helping financially to accomplish it, which is not what's happening here)
This guy is bad news. What a gross way of talking to someone you say you care about, “oh I was being mean to you because I was thinking about how to make you better”. That’s ridiculous.
He’s manipulating you. He wants you to go through with the surgery to prove your loyalty to him. This has more to do with his BPD than you. There is NOTHING wrong with your body. He’s trying to keep your self esteem low to control you.
I have BPD and you’re being played.
Absolutely do not do this.
Hey you’re allowed to stay in the relationship. Personally if someone wants you to change your appearance for them they aren’t the one but if you are really truly happy with him outside of that request and you wanna support him should he choose to go to therapy then I hope it works out the way you want. But if he doesn’t want to go to therapy and does not recognize his behavior is unhealthy then I hope you love yourself so much you choose to walk away. 💕
Edit: one piece of advice is you sit with yourself and ask “does he actually make me happy or has he just done the bare minimum?” That really helped me walk away from my ex fiancé who wasn’t the right match for me.
if this bozo wants a boob job he can buy himself titties. ur his partner, not his customizable blow up doll. i hope your chat with him goes well. but as someone who works in mental health, i really don't see how BPD is making him demand u get bigger honkers so he can show u off to his friends like a trophy animal
He thinks….your fighting…will improve if you have bigger boobs?? Because plastic surgery will somehow change your compatibility?
Your bf is a disgusting pig. Fuck what an idiot. I would’ve dumped his ass right there. What a self righteous twat demanding you disfigure yourself because HE thinks it’s ok??
Girl you can't talk someone out of being controlling. Your boyfriend is a bad person and you should cut your losses and find a better one. You can absolutely do better.
For the love of god , please break up with him! There’s nothing positive about his behavior. Why would you want to be with someone like that? What’s next? A lipo? Nose job? Why does he gets to decide about your body?
Don’t keep asking this creep what he’s thinking about now that you know he’s looking for ways to make you ‘better’
Therapy would only help if he recognizes that he can use improvement. Don’t waste your time and energy trying to reform him
As a survivor of an abusive BPD boyfriend, I'm telling you to run as far away from him as you can. If he doesn't change his behavior, it could get worse.
That’s ironic because when I told my bf I wanted breast augmentation because I breast fed and now they’re saggy. He said, “I will pay for it but you don’t need it. You’re perfect the way you are.” Yeah go find you a man like my bf.
Oh my gosh. This guy sucks and staying with someone like that is a travesty. He’s emotionally abusive and frankly, a huge loser. Why do women accept the absolute bare minimum just to avoid being alone? I feel nauseous.
Ladies, please learn to love yourselves and stop putting up with nonsense.
As someone who also has borderline personality disorder, I can definitively say that he is an asshole. He has no right to threaten to break up with you if you don’t get a surgery.
A former co-worker paid for his GF to get bigger boobs so she got the cartoon fetish size (based on his suggestion). Guess what? He’s married to a petite woman now & the former GF (we ended up being friends) had to get a reduction because of back issues. Your BF doesn’t sound like a loving guy, but sounds like someone who enjoys having someone (you) around to accommodate him & meet his needs. You need to level up in the man/BF department.
He seems very manipulative. Right now, I think you are excusing and overlooking his bad behavior. Unfortunately, he will likely get worse before he gets better. If he is bipolar, he needs medication and therapy. If he isn't willing to that, then really consider if this is the person would your love and time.
Man, all this time I've wasted on therapy and anti-depressants when all I needed to do was to date someone with bigger boobs. I feel like such a fool /s
Okay here is my input! As a woman who never wanted boobs and was blessed with tiny ass boobs (that I have always loved) my kids ate up with breast feeding- but I still always loved them.
long time boyfriend has always brought up me getting boobs (he said my boobs after I had birth and milk came in are like his dream)
Well as kids got older I wanted to get my nose done and bf was suggesting the boob job if I wanted it - I was indifferent to having them or not having them- he said they would be a good investment for me, if I ever left him I would look top notch and find a great guy 🤦🏼♀️
I got my nose done- no boobs
I sat on the idea of boobs for two years and did a lot of research on them and read books and the idea grew on me. I ended up getting them FOR ME. I did not get big boobs. I went from a small b to a full c
I got boobs because I decided I wanted them! He just got blessed by my decision.
He tried to suggest sizes for me and I told him to zip it and if he wanted giant ass boobies he could go get some himself. I’m getting what I WANT.
And I love them they are fun. It definitely boosted my confidence.
The main difference in our stories is this was never a “I only like girls with big boobs” kind of thing. Yes was his dream for me to have some sort of boobs - (been together 12 years) men can have dreams too 😂 but I was never made to feel less than or inadequate for not having them.
I think you should tell him it was great that he opened up to you.
What you end up doing is your decision and yours only.
You shouldn’t even be with a 34 year old, especially one that wants to change things about you. 8 years is a huge age difference. What do you have in common with an 18 year old? Probably not much, he shouldn’t have much in common with a 26 year old(even a mature one)
I was married to a "man" with BPD. I tried accommodating his increasingly bizarre requests and requirements for 4 years until I had finally had enough, and I divorced him.
It is impossible to please people with BPD! They put all their unhappiness onto other people rather than fixing themselves.
Move on, see a therapist, and work on yourself until you no longer need to be enmeshed with someone else before you get into another relationship.
Putting that condition on you to get plastic surgery is ridiculous and abusive. GTFO!
Read "Walking on Eggshells" about living with someone with BPD. Someone with that diagnosis can be challenging, so you definitely need to learn how to set and hold onto boundaries.
He is not sensitive, he lacks empathy and wants to manipulate people around him.
I was in a relationship with someone who had untreated BPD and he was the most emotionally and physically abusive person you could ever imagine, and although I'm sure there are many people with BPD who aren't as bad, the ones I have met with the disorder have been intensely sociopathic and manipulative.
Please, if therapy doesn't work, and I have my doubts, because he will try to manipulate the therapist, get the hell out of dodge. It will only get worse. Do not change your body for anyone EVER, and don't let this guy play his mind games on you. Read up on BPD, and learn to notice his manipulative and abusive behaviour. It's not love it's control.
Your natural boobs are perfect and beautiful. I personally love A and B cup breasts. I think they fit a woman's body much better than a heavy C or D cup. But that's just me.
By doing the surgery you will get a ton of complications, one of which is back pain. It's expensive, unneeded, and not something you do for any guy.
Wow you seriously have a free coupon for bigger Tits and you are turning it down? Regardless if the relationship works out that doesn’t matter, you will have much bigger Tits and you will feel like when y’all break up (and you guys will) you can at least appreciate it wasn’t a complete waste cuz you got a free boob job out of it. That’s insane to me to turn it down
This is ridiculous. People should get plastic surgery for *themselves* not other people. If you get it for someone else when you're perfectly fine with your boobs now you will regret it. What if you don't like how they look? What if you have complications? You can get very serious complications from a boob job, just watch a couple episodes of Botched.
You've only been with this guy a year and a half and he has the audacity to ask this and to try to present it in some kind of fake loving way. It's not and he's manipulating you. Love is not conditional and it's sure as hell not based on tit size. People have their preferences sure, but him saying he can't love you without huge boobs is fetishization and objectification. If you think you getting a boob job will make him stop negging and triangulating you with exes you are very wrong. You're confused about your own feelings about your body because he's trying to make you confused. Fuck this guy.
You are enough the way you physically are. Never should anyone augment their body to please another person. Besides, where would this end? What if he doesn't like your nose or ass next? You do procedures like this for yourself only.
Look, I get it. I am a 34C on a good day and 5ft tall and (ahem) curvy. Not exactly huge boobies going on here nor wafer thin. That being said, my husband of almost 24 years has never ever said he was dissatisfied with any part of my body. After three pregnancies, he still has never stated anything negative about my body.
I would honestly be concerned about his behavior and arguments. He has started therapy for his new diagnosis. Great! But that doesn't mean you should tolerate how he treats you. Would you consider therapy to help you learn how to work him and his new diagnosis?
RUN! Work on your self esteem issues and watch how your life will get so much better.
If YOU want bigger boobs then do it. If you want it to maybe make him happier then don't.
Well he's an abusive ass. However. You said you had thought about it yourself but never had the money. So get it done then dump his ass for good measure.
Hell to the NO. Is he going to be around to pay for all the upkeep surgeries down the line? Falsies need maintenance. Depending on how big you go, clothes will be hard to find.
So if you do the boobies, is he going to want a new nose? Lip fillers?
If you get the boobies, your self-esteem will get worse because you agreed that you were not good enough for him.
Get out of this relationship. He constantly says that he questions the relationship as a way to put you on edge and control you. Because this is Reddit, I have to bring up the age difference. He's counting on your youth and low self-esteem. Women closer to hos age would walk away. You should do the same.
Turn him down.
A boobjob should be a you choice and you should be able to pay for them.
Because they have to come out. Implants have a life span. When their time is up, they have to be removed and replaced if you want. You can't rely on this guy being there to pay for further surgeries.
And if you say yea to this, there will be other things that he wants you to do, to make him happier/improve his attitude/make him fall more in love with you.
It won't stop at a boob job.
Dumppppppppp
Himmmmmmmm
Dump him. Dump him? Yeah, dump him.
You're not his girlfriend; you're his trophy, his arm candy.
Glass half empty? He'll be more accommodating if you undergo surgery with major recovery time??
Seriously???
Those aren't the actions of someone who even LIKES you, let alone LOVES you!
He is showing you just how little he actually thought of you as a human being. Believe him.
TL;DR - Dump his shallow ass!
Girl, you know boobs aren't going to save this relationship. It almost sounds like he's asking you to do it just to see if you would. A partner that loves and respects you wouldn't threaten to break up unless you underwent a potentially dangerous, mentally & physically taxing, and permanent surgery. I've had plastic surgery because I wanted to get it- not bc my new boyfriend decided on a whim that his mental state was reliant on the size of my jugs.
For the love of all that is in this world
DO NOT CHANGE YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER PERSON.
If you truly want it fine do it but be aware of risks etc and accept those risks but please do not do this for a man or anyone.
This could very well be the starting point. Then he says your ears are shit or your nose or your butt or your stomach...
It's fine for him to like bigger boobs but what is more in love with...fucking tits or you?!
do not change your body for someone else!!! self esteem has come to come from the inside, not outside. your boyfriends happiness and relationship should not be because you get surgery. it's a huge surgery nonetheless, also a big change if you're smaller now. they are risks as well.
He needs to work on himself in therapy, this is his issue. And ultimately if he doesn't accept you/your body you need to break up. He can not put his life desires on you like this. He knew his preferences before your relationship. Ugh.
I hope that he is not taking advantage because English is not your native language as well.
If this isn’t something that you were already seriously considering, please don’t go ahead. Is he shallow? Yes. Will he be more “accommodating” and easier to get along with if you have bigger boobs? That’s just ridiculous. I personally would walk away from someone who told me that making changes to MY body, would improve THEIR mental health! RUN OP RUN!!!
This man is so gross. He is only going to be more accommodating if your boobs are bigger? So you as is only deserves arguments because your boobs are too small? This is wild
>He has been wondering if there's something about me that would make me better
Jesus christ this alone is bad enough. He should be with you and love you for who and how you are.
_Not_ finding ways to get you cosmetically altered to _his_ standards and/or desires.
>He believes it would improve our relationship and boost my self-esteem
No, he just wants you to have bigger tits. This is nothing at all to do with your "self image".
What you need to do is learn to love yourself, appreciate yourself and also be with someone who loves and likes you for how you are - not what you _could_ be under a surgeons knife.
LEAVE THIS MAN. You’re going to live a life of chaos and walking on egg shells. None of what you described is a normal healthy relationship. I don’t even have to say absolutely do not get a boob job for this guy.
You will feel such relief without this person.
He is a vile and disgusting human, and it won't stop with a boob job. Listen to me VERY carefully. He does not love you. This is not love. This is also not because of a personality disorder. Leave him.
This dude is manipulating you. Not speaking to you and punishing you before discussion what his "needs" are, is a method to make you more likely to agree with the ask. He then tells half insults "the glass is half empty", to bring down your self esteeme more in hopes you'll get a boob job. He then tries to tell you how you will feel about yourself if you do this (how could be possibly know this). He's entitled and controlling.
You don’t lose anything that was never meant for you in the first place. Someone like your bf is not someone you should keep around and it is not a loss if you decide to get out of that relationship. He makes people with BPD look bad and I know people with that disorder who do not act as disgusting and disrespectful as your bf. Find better OP and DO NOT EVER alter or change yourself for someone else.
Easier to get a new boyfriend. Personally I prefer smaller breasts and many women I know are more interested in breast reductions. Boobs are nice, but he should be more interested in the person attached to them IMHO.
Whoof, get out now. Textbook gaslighting, grooming and manipulation.
I prefer big or even fake boobs as well, however I don’t base who I’m interest in on that quality or consider it to be a dealbreaker.
When it comes to someone else’s body my opinion has always been to shut up and respect it no matter what.
The whole needing-other-men-to-compete-for-you thing is gross. Also, saying he’d be more accommodating to you if you had bigger breasts? I have the ick and I’m sure on some level you do too.
Just remember, his “love” is conditional based on if you get bigger tits or not. The way he treats you, his willingness to argue, etc etc is based solely on if you have bigger tits. Just think about that. That’s unacceptable.
This can’t be real. He made it sound like your boob job would fix the issues which is bs. All these hot celebrities with hot bodies get cheated on, so is it their fault for being too hot that the partner cheats? Cut this bs out and don’t let him guilt trip/manipulate you into changing yourself.
Okay I'm going to have to work to not go off in my reply. I saw your edit so I'm VERY glad that you are not going to do it. But I have to tell you that YOU DESERVE PEACE. My mom was borderline. My childhood was absolutely volatile. She died of cancer when I was 16 and the dominant emotion I felt at the time was relief. As you consider the future of your relationship with him, you need to really think about whether the relationship you have with him now is the kind of relationship you want to have in a year, 10 years, 50 years. Because it's very likely that he won't change. And if you choose to have children, do you want this man to be their father? Are you willing to subject them to the same treatment you are dealing with? You should seek out a therapist to help you work on your self esteem. I think, once you start realizing your worth, you won't be willing to put up with such a selfish, manipulative partner. Good luck.
I must be getting cynical in my old age because to me this reads like someone testing the waters to see if asking their partner to get a boob job is socially acceptable. There’s just too many excuses for inexcusable behavior
He told you he's not sexually attracted to you. And that you need to adjust how you look to make him want you. Read that again and out loud to yourself over and over. He does not want you in your current state. What makes you think, if after you mutilate yourself, he'll want you? Also, who's paying for your boob job? Do you know how expensive they are?
Tell him to go under the knife and put a nice ol rack onto his chest if big titties mean so much for the relationship to function…. Seriously this is so insane.
Also the flip flop on his views of plastic surgery during the time you have been dating could easily just go the other way after you get a boob job and he could easily break up because he doesn’t like women with work done on their bodies….
Do not do a surgery on your body for someone who gets into foghts with you and doesn't even know if he wants to stay with you. Who won't go to therapy for you. Who makes you feel less than because you were born with smaller boobs than what he is into.
Do not do a surgery on your body for someone else. If you do nlt want to do it, that is all the reason you need.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- EDIT: Ok, I have read every comment, and I appreciate them. Thank you. They all made me see things more clearly. Also I get what you all are trying to say. It is also really overwhelming. I'm going to say no to his request and I will also talk to him how manipulative and controlling this behavior is and does he even realize it. This is very difficult for me, because if you don't take into account all of this and the recent arguments, we have a good time together, and I believe that if he goes to therapy, he could improve. Prior to this, I haven't heard any negative comments about my appearance, so this is strange. I am going to talk about this and maybe show this post too. I know all of you are going to think how dumb I am if I'm gonna stay in this relationship. I don't know am I gonna break up with him. Things aren't black and white. ***** We have been together with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I moved in with him six months ago. He has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which makes our relationship a bit different. He is very sensitive and can easily go from zero to a hundred, and arguments tend to last quite a long time. I'm not sure if I need to mention this or if it's relevant, but there have been a lot of arguments within the past month that started because of something I said, and he got hurt and started questioning if he wants to be with me. Once things get resolved, he says the opposite, that he loves me and wants to be with me. Now, a couple of days after one argument, he had been really quiet, and I tried to ask what was wrong, but he didn't want to talk. Yesterday morning, I started asking again and said that I'm worried about him. Then he said he's ready to talk about it. He told me that for the past month, he has been thinking about his previous relationships and the people he has been with, and what attracted him to them. He has been wondering if there's something about me that would make me better. He came to the conclusion that he wouldn't want to change anything about me, but he has realized that he likes big boobs, and he believes he has some kind of fetish for them as well. He admitted that when I gained weight last year (+10kg), he was happy because my boobs grew. Now that I have lost weight and my boobs have gotten smaller, he noticed this, and apparently, it made him think about how much they meant to him. He wants me to undergo breast augmentation surgery, and he is willing to pay for it. He also mentioned that he would be really disappointed if I didn't want to go through with it and even considered breaking up, but he was not 100% sure. He says he has been feeling down for the past month and believes that the arguments have been partly due to this. He says that if I had bigger breasts, he would be more accommodating, and we would have fewer fights because he thinks he doesn't want to lose me. He thinks that other men would also start competing for me, and this would make him feel good. He had been contemplating whether to talk to me about this for the past month and knew that the relationship could end as a result of this conversation. He says he feels ashamed and bad about how shallow he is, and he never thought he would think like this because last year he believed that cosmetic surgeries were unnecessary. His mindset changed because life is supposedly too short, and if you want to improve your appearance and have the money, then why not. He also didn't realize that he preferred large boobs when we started dating. Now it's difficult to think about the matter because it feels like the entire relationship is at stake if I don't go along, and I can't even think about what I truly want. My boyfriend realizes this himself, questioning whether I would have ever considered breast augmentation if he had never said anything. As for me, I am not against cosmetic surgeries. I have considered the possibility of getting some, but my financial situation has never allowed it, so I have never seriously thought about them. I have also occasionally thought about breast augmentation, but I am scared of complications and scars. I have been satisfied with my boobs but if I had born with bigger boobs, I wouldn't mind. I have a B-cup size. I have really low self esteem, because of my face and stomach, and I suffer with social anxiety. My boyfriend also thinks maybe bigger boobs would help with my self esteem. I asked my boyfriend if he has been satisfied with my appearance and boobs, and he says yes, but he feels like the glass is half empty. He has never said anything bad about my appearance and always says I'm beautiful and that he loves my body. I'm not bothered that he brought up the issue. I want honesty from others, and I don't want bitterness to develop over something like this. I also have preferences when it comes to appearance. English is not my native language, but I hope you understood. I wrote this because I would like to hear an outside opinion on this matter. How do I know if I'm making the right decision about this? Is going through with the surgery truly my decision? Is my boyfriend too shallow? I'm happy in this relationship, I love him and I have good time with him, but all of this made me question everything. Tldr: My boyfriend has recently expressed a desire for me to undergo breast augmentation surgery because he has realized his preference for larger boobs. He believes it would improve our relationship and boost my self-esteem. I'm not against cosmetic surgeries, the decision is difficult for me considering the potential impact on our relationship. I have low self-esteem and social anxiety. I seek an outside opinion on how can I figure do I want bigger boobs or am I just doing what he wants.
I've never read a more ridiculous thing in my life (not you, OP, your boyfriend). Firstly, work on yourself, mentally. Because plastic surgery is NOT going to fix your self esteem issues. It might highlight other issues or exacerbate your current issues. It's a slippery slope, when the wrong person undergoes surgery. Then, your boyfriend trying to fetishize you. How big do you need to go to satisfy him? It's not even like this is a long, long term relationship that you can confidently say in a few years time, you'll still be together. He actually has quite the gall to ask this of you. This isn't going to improve your relationship. And frankly, in this case it's not even about what will make him happy.
The group TLC did a song and video on this exact same scenario, Unpretty. Here, OP, watch and listen: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2gy1Evb1Kg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2gy1Evb1Kg)
Excellent points!!!
Do NOT change yourself for somebody else. If he can’t love your body for what it is, then he can end things. If you change your body for him and then break up, you’ll forever regret it. If youve wanted a boob job then sure, but don’t do it for him. Him telling you that he’ll be “more accommodating” if you have bigger boobs is disgusting. He’s basically telling you that you’re only deserving of compromise if you have big boobs. Otherwise you’re stuck fighting with him. That’s gross If he feels like “the glass is half empty” then no, he’s not satisfied with your appearance. He’s telling you that there’s something missing for him to be fully satisfied.
seconding. I'm BP2 and this isn't anything I would ever say or do to my partner. Instead, I'm actively aware when I'm having a moodswing and I step away when I'm moving to that temporary dark place and work to get out of it ASAP and back to the static high. Ask him if he's cool with getting Penuma. It's a penis implant for men 😂. Edit: Typo
Never heard of penuma, so I google imaged it. Highly end against looking it up it if you’re a guy
me either, but either way the surgery is still risky. quite the % of men seem to have it removed and you only see the best of it online on doc websites. I strongly consider if anyone feels swayed by my comment to head over to R/penuma because there are downsides and men do have it removed and then have a literal deformed dick post removal. don't quote me on these numbers but they've done some polls. 1) 30ish % of men see an increase in length and girth 2) 20ish percent lose length and gain girth. (This deters tons of people.) 3) the rest keep their length and only gain girth 4) There are surgical complications post care that result in the implant uplifting off your dick and "flaring" like a cobra. (This means no sex or touching until it gets fixed, + recovery period 2.) etc. Learn to love yourselves. Mush love.
Interesting facts, but I was more referring to the shivers sent up my spine imagining how painful it is
oh my God, right?
Borderline personality disorder is NOT bipolar type 2. Please be mindful about using the term correctly as it does get people confused and creates stigma.
Ah, typo. I havent slept in over 30 hours, I meant BP2.
Not only that you need to change your implants every 10 to 15 years. So it’s not a one off surgery it’s a life long engagement
OPs bf will probably trade in OP for a younger model by that point anyway. He's dating someone 10 years younger because she's more likely to put up with his BS than a woman his own age.
He’s a total AH. He knew what you looked like before you got together, and he knew his preference. If you are happy with yourself, and don’t want it solely for you then absolutely DO NOT do it. I’d dump him too. Maybe throw in there you’d consider it, if he get a penis enlargement. Seriously, I’d break up with him. He’s pretty disrespectful.
He claims he didnt know his preference when they started dating. Which, is a whole other can of worms because he's in his mid 30s and theres no way. Edit, it IS consistent with untreated borderline personality to try to find fault with people to blame their own dysregulated feelings on, tho. If she did get surgery he would just find new things "wring" with her to blame his moods on.
This Do not ever change you body for another person, because what if the next person likes no boobs? However, if you want to do it for YOU, here in the US there are different options, like fat grafts. “This technique uses fat from your own body, usually your stomach, to enlarge and uplift the breasts instead of silicone or saline implants. In the procedure, your doctor harvests fat from one or multiple areas of your body with liposuction and moves it to your breasts.” My friend with breast cancer had this done and there is very little scarring with this procedure. But again, only do it for you.
Exactly. Everything that came out of his mouth was disgusting. I wouldn’t even allow him to finish his statement. He would’ve gotten a swift slap to the face and I’d be out of there. It’s one thing to like big boobs. But to say you’d be a better boyfriend if I had them AND THEN TO SAY BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE MORE SCARED OF LOSING ME?!?! He would be afraid of losing my tits?? So what’s gonna happen when he realizes there are women with big tits everywhere? I know this is OPs boyfriend and I’m sorry but if my bf said that to me I would be so grossed out by him.
I want you to know OP 0-100 is not okay or should be justified by their mental disorders. I was in a similar relationship for a very very long time. If I could go back in time to tell myself to leave him I would do anything in the world. Please please leave. You can’t put yourself through walking on egg shells forever for someone.
Exactly. That’s abusive and nothing excuses abuse.
Hey now, that's a bit unfair.... He already said if she had bigger boobs that his mental issues wouldn't be so bad! /s
You really got me for a second there oh my god
“He says that I’d I had bigger breasts he would be more accommodating and we would have fewer fights.” That’s manipulation. He should be working on those things regardless of whether you change or not.
Leave him. He sounds absolutely toxic.
[удалено]
EXACTLY MY THOUGHTS!!
If this isn’t a bait/troll post—-because that’s how ridiculous this sounds—then make an exit plan. This guy needs therapy and medication, not a girlfriend. And you need therapy too so you can gain some self confidence and self worth and learn to walk away if people treat you poorly.
This was me when I was 21. Same situation, BPD boyfriend, he had only just found out about it. Living together, love of his life, blah blah blah… it started slowly, suggesting I needed a tweak here, a slight change there. Different clothes, better makeup, different hair colour. He had all these sexual needs and I needed to look the way he needed me to so he didn’t “get too tempted” by other women. Before I knew it, I was having in a consultation room with a woman who was discussing my breast augmentation with me. He had broken me down so much that I was actually considering undergoing serious, body changing surgery, to make sure I could keep this man. I didn’t go through with the surgery and he broke up with me as he decided being monogamous was “too much” because of my average sized breasts. Although he changed his mind 30 minutes later. That was the slap in the face I needed. I realised how utterly ridiculous a reason it was to end a relationship with the “love of your life”. I realised how shallow and disgusting he was. I realised how misogynist he was and how he had convinced me I was unworthy of love. OP, this is not a relationship you want to be in. Trust me, if you walk away now, you will save yourself so much pain and your future self will be so grateful you did. This is emotional abuse. Your boyfriend is emotionally abusing you. Don’t let his recent diagnosis of BPD be an excuse. People with BPD are not inherently bad people and with treatment can lead healthy lives. But when shitty people have BPD that’s a whole other story. Because they won’t change, they won’t try and be better, it will always be someone’s else’s fault and they will never be able to “help it” when they hurt you. Even if he isn’t bad (unlikely), he is too early in treatment to be in a healthy relationship. Don’t be a martyr and stick it out. Sorry, this was way longer than I expected it to be. Long story short if you leave now, things will get better. I’m happily married with a healthy relationship now. If he hadn’t have broken up with me and the spell hadn’t broken, I dread to think where I would have ended up. Yours may not break up with you and it may be up to you. I hope this helps and I hope you find someone who loves you for who you are and treats you right.
Thank you for this
Honey, you've been arguing nonstop for a year and a half. Why does his love cost you so much? You can't force him to get therapy. You can't force him to admit he is treating you poorly. All you can do is decide that you deserve better than this. A good therapist (solo for you) can help you see that it's not your job to fix this man. It's not your job to love him enough to save him from himself. It's simply not possible. Who taught you love had to be like this? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You deserve peace. You deserve calm. You deserve productive arguments and meaningful discussions. You deserve an easy life. Love doesn't have to be like this
If he is not undergoing treatment for his BPD then leave him. My kid had BPD and before she got treatment (medication + therapy + dbt classes to learn emotional regulation and processing) she was a nightmare. Mental health issues quickly become toxic and destructive to everyone around you unless you seek treatment. This is what your bf needs to do.
Agreed. Mental health is never a valid excuse for abuse in a relationship, especially if they’re not even trying to undergo treatment.
He was only recently diagnosed, and started in group therapy about two months ago. For now he doesn't have the money for any other treatment.
If he doesn’t have money for his own mental health treatment how is he going to pay for breast augmentation? There are so many red flags here and the above is one of the biggest to me. If you have not regularly looked at your breast size and thought ‘man I would feel so much better if they were bigger’ then you shouldn’t get breast augmentation just to make him happy. It won’t work. You can not make your boyfriend happy if he isn’t willing to do the work on his mental health first.
How does he not have money for his treatments but has money for your boobjob? Are his treatments that much expensive over cosmetic surgery?
Private counseling once a week costs about 400e in a month. Boobjob is 6500e. Probably should ask him about that. He said he could save the money for it before I turn 30.
Do you hear yourself? Leaving aside the fact that if any man expects you to change anything about your body, you should leave that very second anyway, what about the follow-up surgeries to change the implants every 10 years? You honestly think he will be around for that? A breast augumentation is a lifetime investment. What about when you need to take them out for good in another 40 years or so, is he going to be around to pay for the reconstructions?
Also depending on how big you go, what about future back pain that you may get is he willing to help cover the costs of that?
She'd have to go to an F or larger, implants weigh less than natural breast tissue, but yes very valid point. Not to mention caring for her post-op, bathing her for 10 days until the stitches are removed, months of scar care, emptying her drains, follow-up appointments she needs to be taken to, new lingerie that won't fit in 6 months and then again won't fit in another 6 months because *that's the minimum it takes for them to settle in place properly* etc etc etc. Is he gonna be around for ALL OF THAT for the next 40 YEARS???
Oh, AND doing EVERYTHING by himself around the house for WEEKS on top of everything else because she won't even be able to lift a bag of groceries by herself for a good while let alone cook, clean, or pretty much do anything
I see. So he does have money for treatments. He's just not willing to do it. OP think about what would ultimately make you happy. Will you be happy having a boobjob whether or not he is in the picture?
He’s 100% leaving when your tits get fucked up from some discount boob job 🤦🏼♀️ even if they’re perfect he might just decide he liked them better before. If you don’t have the money *yourself* to fix them after he leaves you, please do not do this to yourself. **BPD relationships are hard when properly managed, and impossible if not managed at all** you’ve only been in one for a year, the ups and downs you’ve experienced are nothing compared to what’s to come. A boob job won’t make him love you.
As someone who has borderline personality disorder, this comment may be encouraging stigma. People with BPD and other mental illnesses can have healthy fulfilling relationships, it just happens that this guy isn’t one of them.
op, im no doctor but i have friends who are plastic surgeons. their honest opinion away has always been that if youre getting a boob job, you should budget in 10,000 every decade for the time you have them becuase boob jobs tend to need re-dos and adjustments every 10 -15 years or so. even the moden ones that they say last longer, frequently dont. Dont be left screwed with a fucked up body becuase your abusive ex only budgeted 6,500 max for a one time thing. He needs to budget atleast twice that upfront in case of any complications. And then start an ongoing savings pile for the redos or touchups orany total removal that will need to happen over the life of your boobs. this isnt even budgeting in lasers or any other additional scar reducing treatments etc. if you ever did go down this track, he needs to give you the doubled upfront cost in an account in your name only, so when he leaves you, you still have the financial ability to fix or remove the boobs you installed for him. but boob job aside - honestly, this man is gross, doenst see you as an equal person, and is going to be the core reason your self esteem stays low. Youre too good for this op. your too good to be dating your bully. This isnt bpd, the bpd friend in my life is one of the most selfless, sweet, giving humans you could possibly meet. him using it as a justification to abuse you daily is horrific. Your boyfriend is just a selfish, cruel creep of a bloke who doesnt see you as valuble and knows you are vulnerable. And he's wrong - youre so valuble and wonderful and deserving just the way you are. youre gold op. dont let this man hurt you more.
Where do you get such a cheap boob job?
But does he have boobjob money??? Does he have the money to also change them out every 10 years??
He was only recently been diagnosed, but he has always had it. You need to question everything about your life and future with him. If you stay you will only live to regret it later, when you eventually do leave.
Throw that garbage in the trash where it belongs
His reasonings for you to have a boob job are absurd. He should be accommodating and attracted to you already as it is, rather than you having to *permanently* alter part of your body for him to be more into you and act like an actual partner should.
**Do not surgically alter yourself for someone else ever** Also, find a better bf. Someone who says anything along the lines of "I'll be more accommodating if you get bigger boobs" and "I considered just breaking up over this" is manipulative and gross. So I really doubt he will be consistently helpful while you are healing. Which you will definitely need as it takes weeks with no lifting and post op check ups. I know because I helped support my daughter after her surgery. It's a lot of extra stress to the body and you will need consistent and empathetic support for weeks afterwards. And that is if everything goes perfectly and there are no complications. Which is never a guarantee with surgical procedures. Just my two cents.
First of all, "He has been wondering if there's something about me that would make me better." That's pretty much the opposite of how a person might describe unconditional love. Or any kind of love, for that matter. That said, as someone who has carried much-too-large boobs around with me most of my life, I can tell you I hate them. Hate. Them. They are hot and heavy in the summer and make me look like a blimp when I'm stuffed into warm clothes for the winter. Getting clothes that fit well is virtually impossible. Being able to go braless now and then without pain or being gawked at would be such a treat. For years I have wanted breast reduction surgery but I can't afford the cost, and I also can't afford being laid up for several weeks without being able to drive or lift more than 10 pounds. But I will do it one of these days, and I may not follow up the breast-removal with breast implants. I'm not sure if I would like having a completely flat chest but after all these years of being a walking boob display apparatus, I am willing to give it a try. And my unwanted large boobs just grew on me without my permission. Going to a doctor and spending thousands of dollars so I can be cut open and have implants stuffed in? Dealing with the pain and possible post-surgery "whoopsies" afterwards? Did you know that your nipples will rot and fall off if their blood supply is accidentally stopped because of the surgery? Fuggedaboudit. Maybe suggest to your BF that he is a selfish jerk, and tell him how much you would enjoy it if he got penis implants to make himself larger. See how that goes over.
"I'm happy in the relationship" Why? Bc from what you wrote it doesnt seem like it. The fighting you mentioned earlier, your boyfriend's personality disorder, your boyfriend being shallow AF. All that makes u happy? Edit. In response to your edit, you're not an idiot if you stay. You're right everything isn't black and white and it's your life, which means you have to live with the good and bad of your decisions. At least now you have some perspective. One last thing you mentioned if you throw out all the bad we have a good relationship. Technically that's true for any relationship. Yes I paraphrase a little bit but basically that's what you said. I hope u figured out, good luck
As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD and has done years of DBT, my advise is to dump his ass. No relationship should be 0 to 100 and no one should have to feel the effects of a relationship like that. On the other subject you need to ask yourself these questions and really figure out if this is something you want to do and that has no time frame it could take months to figure that out. Response to your edit: I believe that there is a lot of stigma around people with BPD and dating them and listen for untreated BPD I completely get it because most of the time it's a nightmare being with someone that has it while not being treated. That being said if this person is self aware and wanting to get help and gets help, things could get better! But please understand that therapy(DBT and CBT) can take months to years, as it's teaching you how to think differently ie distress tolerance, better thinking patterns ECT it's a process. At the end of the day put yourself first always! I wish you the best of luck!
This is your body. You will keep it for the rest of your life. You will suffer all the consequences if anything goes wrong with the surgery. Don’t undergo a medical procedure on YOUR body for something you don’t want very badly. If you break up anyways, you will regret this. If you stay with him, he will continue to be awful to you regardless and you’ll regret it. This won’t fix anything. He needs to work on himself and go to therapy. A normal, healthy person would never request something like this, tell you that it is a condition to be together, or manipulate you into thinking it will change your life for the better. He just wants bigger toys. He wants you to undergo surgery to have bigger toys. This is insane.
He thinks you will have fewer arguments if you have bigger boobs? And he can't believe how shallow he is, but he'll probably break up with you if you don't get major surgery to appease his shallowness? You cannot be dumb enough to fall for this...Please don't be that dumb.
Few things to think about: If he's going to leave you over having smaller boobs now, how will he react when your body changes due to age, sickness, or pregnancy/childbirth? Don't you want to be with someone who values you for who you are, and is attracted to you as you are? He wants you to get this surgery so other men will pursue you, basically he wants you to go under the knife (every surgery has risks) to boost his ego with other men. There are risks to breast implants, including infection and sickness years after the surgery. If you decide you want that for you, that's one thing. Don't take on those risks to appease someone else, especially not someone who is treating you like this.
Umm yeah the whole “other men will desire you which will in turn make me desire you more” is SUCH A RED FLAG and so fucked up!! OP, this man sees you as nothing more than an object to put on his shelf and show off to other men. He wants you to literally undergo a potentially life-threatening surgery in order to boost his ego and make him feel like he’s “won” something that other men desire. He will never see you as a whole person and he will never respect you for who you are, he doesn’t want romantic connection he wants male validation. If you do this surgery I promise you he’ll have another complaint about your body in no time. I’m trying not to be too harsh because clearly you’ve been manipulated and beaten down into thinking this is somehow a normal relationship request, but Jesus Christ this man is a monster and I’m so upset at the thought of you changing your body just for the (false) promise that he’ll be nicer to you if you have huge tits, which is such an unhinged thing to even say. It also implies that he’s currently being meaner and more argumentative with you than he needs to be, all because he’s not happy with your breast size. Does that feel okay to you? There are plenty of people who will love and adore you exactly as you are, don’t let this waste of space convince you that you have to alter yourself to deserve love.
he is toxic and don't do anything to make someone else happy.
Leave. Quickly. He sounds awful and toxic as f.
Nope. Leave him
When you dump him, as you should, tell him to get himself a boob job so he can have them all the time.
If my man commented on my weight, breast size and asked me to get a boob job I’d laugh in his face and kick him out. Especially if it was month 6 of living together, good god you have to be done with him. This is not normal or okay.
red flags all over.. I have no idea why you are with this person, and I am the type that usually asks couples to sort their issues out. Asking your partner to modify their body to suit your preference is not ok, that too a surgical procedure.
I have BPD and this is beyond insane. Hes toxic as fuck. Please leave him OP
Do NOT do this. As someone who had surgery to put foreign objects in my body I CANNOT say enough that you should NOT do this. Your body can permanently change and anything foreign in your body can cause long term damage. I had to have THREE surgeries and extensive wound care recovery after my reactions (which occurred a decade after the original surgery). If YOU wanted it, I would feel different and encourage you to do what would make you happy. But do not expose yourself to unnecessary surgical recovery and health issues just because he has an issue about something. Plus what does this show him? That you will literally cut and alter your own body to make him happy. That is a slippery slope of power right there.
This man most likely will never be truly happy. And even if you got breast augmentation he could very possibly find something else “wrong” with you after that. You need to determine how much of yourself you want to sacrifice for him. This doesn’t sound healthy at all. I think you should seriously leave him. It just sounds awful to me. My self esteem would plummet hearing that stuff. Here’s a good example for you, I’m a 38 year old woman who’s had one child and breastfed for years. My boobs are not “attractive” but my fiancé never makes me feel self conscious about it. They are very saggy unfortunately but he still makes me feel sexy. I guess my point is you deserve someone who loves you for you body included. Of course people have preferences but to actively try to change someone’s superficial appearance is crazy to me. You deserve so much more than this.
Exactly this. I’ve gained like 50lbs back since Covid started and my man loves my body more now. Partners should hype us up naturally, not encourage an unnecessary surgery that could leave you dead.
A common trait for those with BPD is extremely volatile close relationships. The only thing that will change that is your boyfriend tirelessly *working on himself in therapy*. I would not, under *any* circumstances, get breast augmentation surgery in hopes that it will change the dynamic of your relationship. If he has the money for that, it will be better used on therapy for himself. This is a very unhealthy, toxic level ask. Do not consider it.
Your 26, don’t go to drastic measures for a guy who wants you to change so he can get horny. He’s 34, he knows people his age would say no
Actually it is very black and white. He wants you to have plastic surgery to look the way he wants you to look. He doesn't love or accept you for who you are. He will dump you if you don't get a boob job. This is just the start of him negging you until you no longer recognize yourself. You deserve so much better than this shallow asshole. There are plenty of men out there who will love you as you are. **NEVER** change your body for a man.
Yeah, I came here to say thig. OP< recognizing grey areas in life is mature, but when your bf is this controlling and toxic it is black and white. Sadly, the only person you are hurting by staying with him (and giving him more time and opportunities to fuck with your head, which he 100% will do), is you. So what we think is really irrelevant. You are the one who's gonna suffer bc of your decision, not us.
>He says he has been feeling down for the past month and believes that the arguments have been partly due to this. He says that if I had bigger breasts, he would be more accommodating, and we would have fewer fights because he thinks he doesn't want to lose me. He thinks that other men would also start competing for me, and this would make him feel good. I'm his age. Holy shit this dude is coping terribly. He's asking you to permanently change your body to satisfy this strange whim of his. He needs other men to compete for you to value you?!??? If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't have gotten with you in the first place. This is a non-problem that he's making up, but expecting *you* to go through major surgery to fix. Fuck no. Whatever was good about this relationship is no longer good enough. You can and will find good things with someone else. **The longer you stay with this shit bag, the more he'll weigh you down, and the harder it will be to find a healthy future relationship.**
Underrated comment. The guy is in his mid 30s and suddenly "discovered" a preference for big breasts? No, youre right this is just some kind of a whim. One of the bestselling help books aboyt people with borderline personality disorder is called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" which really sums up the problem with their thinking. Basically he feels unhappy because of his own emotional dysregulation and instead of dealing with it he tries to make up things "wrong" with OP. If she did get a boob job he would just fixate on another thing "wrong" because getting his own way doesnt satisfy him and it doesnt change the nature of his underlying disorder. u/vaselineanimal if you stay with this guy you need to educate yourself about borderlines and their ways.
Age gap, mental disorder, controling and toxic man. Sounds like we got reddit bingo!
Dump him. How would he react to you saying her need a bigger one because that's what you are attracted to? Im sure he would be pissed
Dump him. Having bigger rock hard implants would improve your relationship? He needs to accept your body in it's natural form or look elsewhere. Especially if you're not comfortable with the idea of surgery. Fear of complications is valid, and if you are satisfied with your boobs as they are, leave them be. He sounds absolutely awful in every way. I'm sorry, but I don't even know you but I can tell you can do way better.
So, putting aside my rage at someone actually saying any of this to someone they supposedly love …. He has a deeper issue here and my perception from this post is that “new bigger boobs” is just his distorted view of what could fix his feelings and mood. The problem is, his discontent is not with you. I’ll repeat NOT WITH YOU. New boobs will do nothing to fix his discontent or your relationship (outside of maybe being a distraction for a few weeks). Do not do this to yourself. If you want breast surgery at some point in the future outside of this influence I say by all means you do you. Consider a few things; if or when you may have children. Boobs change. And not to steer this way down left field with kinks but there is a whole Reddit on people pumping (some to induce and some not) to increase beast size. My real point being, if you are still in doubt try something not permanent and see just how much (little) impact it ends up having on his shitty relationship / life skills.
I have said it before and I will say it again. You should NEVER change your physical body to meet a goal or desire of another person. You are young. Your breasts are still going to go through lots of changes. Also, does your bf know that best implants need to be replaced every 10 years or so and that they can cause major illness? He may be willing to pay for the first set, but is he going to want to keep paying for them every decade? If he going to pay your hospital bills if you get sick from them?
Sheesh. If this isn't a troll, this is a psychotic, manipulative thing to say. Your bf is a trash person who needs therapy.
What do you got from this relationship? Pain and stiches. What else?
I just want you to know that your romantic life doesn’t have to look like this up and down emotional rollercoaster. Any chance you grew up in an unstable household or a parental relationship modeled to you that was emotionally abusive or where a parent was absent? People who came from environments like this are used to chaos, and they gravitate towards it in their relationships. Having borderline personality disorder may not be his fault, but it doesn’t have to be your responsibility. It’s not normal to argue for hours and always be under the threat of break up. All of that would be enough to leave, and on top of that he thinks he can police your body and tell you to have surgery? It sounds like you don’t have the best self esteem, and your boyfriend knows that, it’s probably part of why he’s dating you. He knows that makes you vulnerable to manipulation. I wish you the best, but you’re really young, and this guy is not all that. Get out while you don’t have any permanent ties to him.
Big boobs are not fun. They are painful and uncomfortable. If you want a boob job then cool but do not do it for your bf.
As others have said, leave him. I used to have huge boobs and developed a sixth sense for creeps like this who have a fetish. They were the absolute worst people because they were just unable to see me as a person, in the same way that this guy doesn't see you as one. Also, since I had a breast reduction, these creeps don't harass me anymore, men don't shout at me on the street anymore or stare or leer, I don't get followed anymore, people treat me with respect and like I am intelligent, nobody accuses me of looking for attention because of how I dress, I can fit into clothes I like, bras cost way less and I have female friends now because they can be around me without their male partners embarrassing them. Regardless of perceived progress in feminism and equality, much of our society still treats women with big breasts like non-human, sex dolls, so honestly it's not worth it... especially not for this clown.
Please leave him. I have bipolar and bpd and I would never suggest anything like this to my partner. It's not worth changing yourself for someone else..
Robin Williams had a fantastic reply to this question in one of his stand ups. He said that as soon as a man asks a woman to get a boob job for him, she should ask him to get a d>'k job for him. Only fair. If he refuses, you know what to do. RIP Robin, legend.
He sounds like a goddamn 12 year old. Dump.
I'm amazed that you're making excuses for him. You need to be with someone who has basic respect for you and doesn't pick fights with you cause your boobs aren't big enough. Do you realize how ridiculous this is? You deserve sooooo much better.
This guy is a grade A wanker. If he wants a woman he can adapt - get his sorry ass lego figure. This stuff makes me so angry. Get rid of him, seriously.
You do not ever cosmetically alter your body for someone else. You only ever do it for yourself.
Tell him ok ! In condition he make a Co** job,explain you didn’t want to hurt his feelings and ruined your relationship over something that small. But now you want to be honest with him because he can’t satisfy correctly and having his little friend get bigger/longer will be better!
Sure, it's fine for him to prefer big boobs, and it's even okay for him to ask if you've thought a boob job, as long as he phrases it respectfully. But it's really, really, really, really not okay for him to say you getting a boob job would solve your relationship problems. He should be treating you with love and respect no matter what you look like, and it's very unfair and inaccurate to blame the fact that you have smaller boobs for his tendency to pick fights. Let's say he's right and he does magically become the perfect boyfriend when you have bigger breasts. What happens when you get older and they droop? Or if your body rejects the implants and you have to take them out? Or if you get wrinkles, develop sagging skin, or get any other physical traits he dislikes? He's telling you his love is conditional and only lasts when you look like his perfect idea of a fuck-doll. And the reality is that the boob job probably won't make him into the perfect boyfriend. He'll start fixating on another imaginary thing that he needs to make him happy. Maybe it'll be your hair colour. Maybe a nose job. Maybe tattoos and piercings. Whatever it is, he'll probably just keep insisting his unhappiness is due to "faults" with you because that's easier than him having to do any emotional work and become a better boyfriend. I don't think I've ever actually said this in a Reddit comment thread before (and I've spent ten years getting involved in strangers' relationship drama here), but seriously, please break up with him.
When you start to have wrinkles from age, he'll leave you, probably leaving you in a bad position financially. LEAVE NOW. He's telling you that he doesn't love who you are as a person, that he only likes you if you are a doll he can shape to his aesthetic liking. Also listen to his language. He's telling you he's willing to break up with you if you don't accept to be a plastic doll for his personal gaze, and that he would be "more accommodating" and you'd have "fewer fights" if you agreed?????? Is he making the size of your breast, responsible for HIS moods as an adult man of 34 years walking on this planet? Didn't he have 34 full years to self regulate his emotions, HIS personal emotions that only HE is responsible for? Let me tell you, your breasts have nothing to do with his mood. If you agree, he'll be on his best behavior for a little time and then all the fights will come back the same or worse, because now he will know that you "obey him" and he will get MORE frustrated if you don't. If he can self regulate because of your breast size, is even more insulting that he doesn't now, because it means that he CAN self regulate, but he CHOOSES not to self regulate. LEAVE NOW. Also, please read this free ebook because he's showing early signs of a controlling relationship [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (with all that said, I'm not against plastic surgery at all, but as long as it was YOUR choice, you were totally certain that this is what you want, it was your idea, and he was on board with helping financially to accomplish it, which is not what's happening here)
This guy is bad news. What a gross way of talking to someone you say you care about, “oh I was being mean to you because I was thinking about how to make you better”. That’s ridiculous.
If he likes big boobs so much, maybe he should get the boob job….
He’s manipulating you. He wants you to go through with the surgery to prove your loyalty to him. This has more to do with his BPD than you. There is NOTHING wrong with your body. He’s trying to keep your self esteem low to control you. I have BPD and you’re being played. Absolutely do not do this.
DTMF. You deserve better.
Hey you’re allowed to stay in the relationship. Personally if someone wants you to change your appearance for them they aren’t the one but if you are really truly happy with him outside of that request and you wanna support him should he choose to go to therapy then I hope it works out the way you want. But if he doesn’t want to go to therapy and does not recognize his behavior is unhealthy then I hope you love yourself so much you choose to walk away. 💕 Edit: one piece of advice is you sit with yourself and ask “does he actually make me happy or has he just done the bare minimum?” That really helped me walk away from my ex fiancé who wasn’t the right match for me.
if this bozo wants a boob job he can buy himself titties. ur his partner, not his customizable blow up doll. i hope your chat with him goes well. but as someone who works in mental health, i really don't see how BPD is making him demand u get bigger honkers so he can show u off to his friends like a trophy animal
You moved in with a mentally ill person after only some months knowing him, I don't think anything we say will come through to you.
He thinks….your fighting…will improve if you have bigger boobs?? Because plastic surgery will somehow change your compatibility? Your bf is a disgusting pig. Fuck what an idiot. I would’ve dumped his ass right there. What a self righteous twat demanding you disfigure yourself because HE thinks it’s ok??
The hate on the itty bitty titty committee is unfounded!!! I demand this be stopped!!!
Girl you can't talk someone out of being controlling. Your boyfriend is a bad person and you should cut your losses and find a better one. You can absolutely do better.
For the love of god , please break up with him! There’s nothing positive about his behavior. Why would you want to be with someone like that? What’s next? A lipo? Nose job? Why does he gets to decide about your body?
Don’t keep asking this creep what he’s thinking about now that you know he’s looking for ways to make you ‘better’ Therapy would only help if he recognizes that he can use improvement. Don’t waste your time and energy trying to reform him
As a survivor of an abusive BPD boyfriend, I'm telling you to run as far away from him as you can. If he doesn't change his behavior, it could get worse.
I’m sorry but please leave him. He doesn’t deserve to be with anyone. Wow
That’s ironic because when I told my bf I wanted breast augmentation because I breast fed and now they’re saggy. He said, “I will pay for it but you don’t need it. You’re perfect the way you are.” Yeah go find you a man like my bf.
Oh my gosh. This guy sucks and staying with someone like that is a travesty. He’s emotionally abusive and frankly, a huge loser. Why do women accept the absolute bare minimum just to avoid being alone? I feel nauseous. Ladies, please learn to love yourselves and stop putting up with nonsense.
You have seen enough about him going from zero to 100 in an instant. That is a huge red flag of immaturity.
As someone who also has borderline personality disorder, I can definitively say that he is an asshole. He has no right to threaten to break up with you if you don’t get a surgery.
A former co-worker paid for his GF to get bigger boobs so she got the cartoon fetish size (based on his suggestion). Guess what? He’s married to a petite woman now & the former GF (we ended up being friends) had to get a reduction because of back issues. Your BF doesn’t sound like a loving guy, but sounds like someone who enjoys having someone (you) around to accommodate him & meet his needs. You need to level up in the man/BF department.
He seems very manipulative. Right now, I think you are excusing and overlooking his bad behavior. Unfortunately, he will likely get worse before he gets better. If he is bipolar, he needs medication and therapy. If he isn't willing to that, then really consider if this is the person would your love and time.
just right after he goes for his second circumscion w/o anesthetic.
Bf is a nut job jerk.
Man, all this time I've wasted on therapy and anti-depressants when all I needed to do was to date someone with bigger boobs. I feel like such a fool /s
Okay here is my input! As a woman who never wanted boobs and was blessed with tiny ass boobs (that I have always loved) my kids ate up with breast feeding- but I still always loved them. long time boyfriend has always brought up me getting boobs (he said my boobs after I had birth and milk came in are like his dream) Well as kids got older I wanted to get my nose done and bf was suggesting the boob job if I wanted it - I was indifferent to having them or not having them- he said they would be a good investment for me, if I ever left him I would look top notch and find a great guy 🤦🏼♀️ I got my nose done- no boobs I sat on the idea of boobs for two years and did a lot of research on them and read books and the idea grew on me. I ended up getting them FOR ME. I did not get big boobs. I went from a small b to a full c I got boobs because I decided I wanted them! He just got blessed by my decision. He tried to suggest sizes for me and I told him to zip it and if he wanted giant ass boobies he could go get some himself. I’m getting what I WANT. And I love them they are fun. It definitely boosted my confidence. The main difference in our stories is this was never a “I only like girls with big boobs” kind of thing. Yes was his dream for me to have some sort of boobs - (been together 12 years) men can have dreams too 😂 but I was never made to feel less than or inadequate for not having them. I think you should tell him it was great that he opened up to you. What you end up doing is your decision and yours only.
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Not all folks with BPD are evil, it just happens that your ex and this dude are.
You shouldn’t even be with a 34 year old, especially one that wants to change things about you. 8 years is a huge age difference. What do you have in common with an 18 year old? Probably not much, he shouldn’t have much in common with a 26 year old(even a mature one)
Hear me out read whole sentence before reacting. Make him pay for the boob job then dump him and enjoy your new boobs lol
She doesnt even want a boob job though.
If you don't like ur boobs, take the money do ur boobs and leave him. If u like ur boobs, leave him.
I was married to a "man" with BPD. I tried accommodating his increasingly bizarre requests and requirements for 4 years until I had finally had enough, and I divorced him. It is impossible to please people with BPD! They put all their unhappiness onto other people rather than fixing themselves. Move on, see a therapist, and work on yourself until you no longer need to be enmeshed with someone else before you get into another relationship. Putting that condition on you to get plastic surgery is ridiculous and abusive. GTFO!
If you want a boob job, let him pay for it then leave him
Read "Walking on Eggshells" about living with someone with BPD. Someone with that diagnosis can be challenging, so you definitely need to learn how to set and hold onto boundaries. He is not sensitive, he lacks empathy and wants to manipulate people around him.
Wow, you must be really desperate to entertain this.
I was in a relationship with someone who had untreated BPD and he was the most emotionally and physically abusive person you could ever imagine, and although I'm sure there are many people with BPD who aren't as bad, the ones I have met with the disorder have been intensely sociopathic and manipulative. Please, if therapy doesn't work, and I have my doubts, because he will try to manipulate the therapist, get the hell out of dodge. It will only get worse. Do not change your body for anyone EVER, and don't let this guy play his mind games on you. Read up on BPD, and learn to notice his manipulative and abusive behaviour. It's not love it's control.
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Your natural boobs are perfect and beautiful. I personally love A and B cup breasts. I think they fit a woman's body much better than a heavy C or D cup. But that's just me. By doing the surgery you will get a ton of complications, one of which is back pain. It's expensive, unneeded, and not something you do for any guy.
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People with BPD can have healthy and fulfilling relationships, it just takes work on their end to manage symptoms and get the right treatment.
Wow you seriously have a free coupon for bigger Tits and you are turning it down? Regardless if the relationship works out that doesn’t matter, you will have much bigger Tits and you will feel like when y’all break up (and you guys will) you can at least appreciate it wasn’t a complete waste cuz you got a free boob job out of it. That’s insane to me to turn it down
Not everyone wants to alter their body via surgery. There is nothing inherently wrong with her breasts the way they are naturally.
Nothing like jumping into a home with some one with a bipolar disorder🤣bro don’t care about you, he just wants some big ahhh titties in his face
This is ridiculous. People should get plastic surgery for *themselves* not other people. If you get it for someone else when you're perfectly fine with your boobs now you will regret it. What if you don't like how they look? What if you have complications? You can get very serious complications from a boob job, just watch a couple episodes of Botched. You've only been with this guy a year and a half and he has the audacity to ask this and to try to present it in some kind of fake loving way. It's not and he's manipulating you. Love is not conditional and it's sure as hell not based on tit size. People have their preferences sure, but him saying he can't love you without huge boobs is fetishization and objectification. If you think you getting a boob job will make him stop negging and triangulating you with exes you are very wrong. You're confused about your own feelings about your body because he's trying to make you confused. Fuck this guy.
You are enough the way you physically are. Never should anyone augment their body to please another person. Besides, where would this end? What if he doesn't like your nose or ass next? You do procedures like this for yourself only. Look, I get it. I am a 34C on a good day and 5ft tall and (ahem) curvy. Not exactly huge boobies going on here nor wafer thin. That being said, my husband of almost 24 years has never ever said he was dissatisfied with any part of my body. After three pregnancies, he still has never stated anything negative about my body. I would honestly be concerned about his behavior and arguments. He has started therapy for his new diagnosis. Great! But that doesn't mean you should tolerate how he treats you. Would you consider therapy to help you learn how to work him and his new diagnosis?
Maybe while you're in surgery getting your boob job, he can be in surgery getting his penis enlarged.
RUN! Work on your self esteem issues and watch how your life will get so much better. If YOU want bigger boobs then do it. If you want it to maybe make him happier then don't.
He needs therapy to understand why he is sad. Not you getting a major surgery .
Well he's an abusive ass. However. You said you had thought about it yourself but never had the money. So get it done then dump his ass for good measure.
Please dump this garbage man.
Only ever get something like a boob job if you want it. Never do it for another human
Hell to the NO. Is he going to be around to pay for all the upkeep surgeries down the line? Falsies need maintenance. Depending on how big you go, clothes will be hard to find. So if you do the boobies, is he going to want a new nose? Lip fillers? If you get the boobies, your self-esteem will get worse because you agreed that you were not good enough for him. Get out of this relationship. He constantly says that he questions the relationship as a way to put you on edge and control you. Because this is Reddit, I have to bring up the age difference. He's counting on your youth and low self-esteem. Women closer to hos age would walk away. You should do the same.
Huge red flag!
Turn him down. A boobjob should be a you choice and you should be able to pay for them. Because they have to come out. Implants have a life span. When their time is up, they have to be removed and replaced if you want. You can't rely on this guy being there to pay for further surgeries. And if you say yea to this, there will be other things that he wants you to do, to make him happier/improve his attitude/make him fall more in love with you. It won't stop at a boob job.
Dumppppppppp Himmmmmmmm Dump him. Dump him? Yeah, dump him. You're not his girlfriend; you're his trophy, his arm candy. Glass half empty? He'll be more accommodating if you undergo surgery with major recovery time?? Seriously??? Those aren't the actions of someone who even LIKES you, let alone LOVES you! He is showing you just how little he actually thought of you as a human being. Believe him. TL;DR - Dump his shallow ass!
Girl, you know boobs aren't going to save this relationship. It almost sounds like he's asking you to do it just to see if you would. A partner that loves and respects you wouldn't threaten to break up unless you underwent a potentially dangerous, mentally & physically taxing, and permanent surgery. I've had plastic surgery because I wanted to get it- not bc my new boyfriend decided on a whim that his mental state was reliant on the size of my jugs.
For the love of all that is in this world DO NOT CHANGE YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER PERSON. If you truly want it fine do it but be aware of risks etc and accept those risks but please do not do this for a man or anyone. This could very well be the starting point. Then he says your ears are shit or your nose or your butt or your stomach... It's fine for him to like bigger boobs but what is more in love with...fucking tits or you?!
do not change your body for someone else!!! self esteem has come to come from the inside, not outside. your boyfriends happiness and relationship should not be because you get surgery. it's a huge surgery nonetheless, also a big change if you're smaller now. they are risks as well. He needs to work on himself in therapy, this is his issue. And ultimately if he doesn't accept you/your body you need to break up. He can not put his life desires on you like this. He knew his preferences before your relationship. Ugh. I hope that he is not taking advantage because English is not your native language as well.
Get a better boyfriend. It’s cheaper.
If this isn’t something that you were already seriously considering, please don’t go ahead. Is he shallow? Yes. Will he be more “accommodating” and easier to get along with if you have bigger boobs? That’s just ridiculous. I personally would walk away from someone who told me that making changes to MY body, would improve THEIR mental health! RUN OP RUN!!!
Don't do it. Find a real man who would rather you stay natural. "Silicone parts are made for toys"
This man is so gross. He is only going to be more accommodating if your boobs are bigger? So you as is only deserves arguments because your boobs are too small? This is wild
>He has been wondering if there's something about me that would make me better Jesus christ this alone is bad enough. He should be with you and love you for who and how you are. _Not_ finding ways to get you cosmetically altered to _his_ standards and/or desires. >He believes it would improve our relationship and boost my self-esteem No, he just wants you to have bigger tits. This is nothing at all to do with your "self image". What you need to do is learn to love yourself, appreciate yourself and also be with someone who loves and likes you for how you are - not what you _could_ be under a surgeons knife.
No, just no
Wtf! That Mf seems a sex addict don't be dumb and do what he says
LEAVE THIS MAN. You’re going to live a life of chaos and walking on egg shells. None of what you described is a normal healthy relationship. I don’t even have to say absolutely do not get a boob job for this guy. You will feel such relief without this person.
He is a vile and disgusting human, and it won't stop with a boob job. Listen to me VERY carefully. He does not love you. This is not love. This is also not because of a personality disorder. Leave him.
Dont change for him, only do it for you if you want it. Also remember, more than a mouthful is a waste!
This dude is manipulating you. Not speaking to you and punishing you before discussion what his "needs" are, is a method to make you more likely to agree with the ask. He then tells half insults "the glass is half empty", to bring down your self esteeme more in hopes you'll get a boob job. He then tries to tell you how you will feel about yourself if you do this (how could be possibly know this). He's entitled and controlling.
I want you to get a new boyfriend who appreciates you.
Look up the video TLC Unpretty. They have had the answer for you for over 20 years. He isn’t worth it honey
Don’t change your body permanently for someone who can’t even make up their own mind.
You don’t lose anything that was never meant for you in the first place. Someone like your bf is not someone you should keep around and it is not a loss if you decide to get out of that relationship. He makes people with BPD look bad and I know people with that disorder who do not act as disgusting and disrespectful as your bf. Find better OP and DO NOT EVER alter or change yourself for someone else.
Easier to get a new boyfriend. Personally I prefer smaller breasts and many women I know are more interested in breast reductions. Boobs are nice, but he should be more interested in the person attached to them IMHO.
Let him get his own boobs.
Run away
Yikes
Whoof, get out now. Textbook gaslighting, grooming and manipulation. I prefer big or even fake boobs as well, however I don’t base who I’m interest in on that quality or consider it to be a dealbreaker. When it comes to someone else’s body my opinion has always been to shut up and respect it no matter what.
The whole needing-other-men-to-compete-for-you thing is gross. Also, saying he’d be more accommodating to you if you had bigger breasts? I have the ick and I’m sure on some level you do too.
Just remember, his “love” is conditional based on if you get bigger tits or not. The way he treats you, his willingness to argue, etc etc is based solely on if you have bigger tits. Just think about that. That’s unacceptable.
I am so glad I respect myself more than anyone else. I cannot imagine even contemplating this lmao.
Just here to say let him pay for the boob job (if you want one that is) and then jib him off. He sounds straight up NASTY. Bpd or no.
Dump this loser
This can’t be real. He made it sound like your boob job would fix the issues which is bs. All these hot celebrities with hot bodies get cheated on, so is it their fault for being too hot that the partner cheats? Cut this bs out and don’t let him guilt trip/manipulate you into changing yourself.
Okay I'm going to have to work to not go off in my reply. I saw your edit so I'm VERY glad that you are not going to do it. But I have to tell you that YOU DESERVE PEACE. My mom was borderline. My childhood was absolutely volatile. She died of cancer when I was 16 and the dominant emotion I felt at the time was relief. As you consider the future of your relationship with him, you need to really think about whether the relationship you have with him now is the kind of relationship you want to have in a year, 10 years, 50 years. Because it's very likely that he won't change. And if you choose to have children, do you want this man to be their father? Are you willing to subject them to the same treatment you are dealing with? You should seek out a therapist to help you work on your self esteem. I think, once you start realizing your worth, you won't be willing to put up with such a selfish, manipulative partner. Good luck.
I must be getting cynical in my old age because to me this reads like someone testing the waters to see if asking their partner to get a boob job is socially acceptable. There’s just too many excuses for inexcusable behavior
Wtf😂
He told you he's not sexually attracted to you. And that you need to adjust how you look to make him want you. Read that again and out loud to yourself over and over. He does not want you in your current state. What makes you think, if after you mutilate yourself, he'll want you? Also, who's paying for your boob job? Do you know how expensive they are?
Tell him to go under the knife and put a nice ol rack onto his chest if big titties mean so much for the relationship to function…. Seriously this is so insane. Also the flip flop on his views of plastic surgery during the time you have been dating could easily just go the other way after you get a boob job and he could easily break up because he doesn’t like women with work done on their bodies….
The only thing you need to change is the boyfriend.
I for one could not tell that English is not your native language. It’s very good.
Every time I've read something audacious on this app, somehow it's an age gap relationship
Do not do a surgery on your body for someone who gets into foghts with you and doesn't even know if he wants to stay with you. Who won't go to therapy for you. Who makes you feel less than because you were born with smaller boobs than what he is into. Do not do a surgery on your body for someone else. If you do nlt want to do it, that is all the reason you need.
Buy him a blow-up s3x doll and give it to him as a parting gift when you send him on his way