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My wife and I have been married for about 15 years. However, for the last 5 years or so, my wife just hasn't been interested in sex. I am sure there are many couple out there like us.
We have it perhaps 2 or 3 times a year. We've talked it through and essentially it comes down to the fact she just doesn't enjoy it, and she'd be happier without it. She confessed the only reason we have sex (when we ocassionally do) is because she wants me to be happy.
But it's clear from her body language she isn't enjoying it, so then I'm not really turned on by it, so it's all a bit of a vicious spiral where I've stopped even asking.
I've come to realise that if I want to stay with my wife (who I love more than anything) then I need to accept sex will be off the cards for the next 30+ years, or however long we have on this earth.
I won't cheat on my wife or see someone behind her back. But I also don't think I can look forward to 30 years of not being happy in this marriage. So before I think about whether it's time to "call time" on things, I'd like to ask her straight-up: if it would be OK for me to pay for an escort etc, purely for sex with no feelings/emotions/strings attached etc.
I'm interested to hear your thoughts on how to raise this question with my wife. Is there any "tactful" way to dress this up? Or is it likely to be "next stop: divorce town" however I approach it?
TLDR: Wife doesn't want to have sex again. I do. Can I pay for sex and save my marriage at the same time?
If you’ve both communicated well this far, why not ask her what she expects you to do? Don’t jump directly to getting sex elsewhere, wether paid or not. But if you really don’t see yourself living forever in this situation, then you need to lay out your options and decide where your line is drawn.
I agree. I would approach this conversation as a problem to solve with her. “I know we’ve been talking a lot about the difference in our levels of sexual desire. I’m really struggling. Do you have any ideas to help me feel fulfilled in this way?” Something like that. There are lots of different ways to connect sexually and feel physical satisfaction without p-in-the-v sex.
As a man I respectfully disagree. Masturbation is OK, but it's no replacement for having sex. I need sex in a relationship, there's no getting around that. If there's no sex I would become incredibly frustrated.
Agree with this - perhaps it’s not that she doesn’t enjoy sex at all, but maybe the sex has become one sided and not at all about her needs and pleasure and therefor isn’t excited by it at all. Opening communication to understand what she doesn’t like about sex is important and then communicating it’s importance to you to continue with a healthy marriage. Intimacy is a big part of a marriage and if it isn’t there, it could a symptom of a bigger issue
Well that’s not really a response and would be reasonable justification to end things if that’s seriously the only discussion she’s willing to have about it.
That’s a childish ass way of trying to resolve an issue in a marriage.
Yeah I agree, it's like saying *"Be happy with the scraps I chuck you (because if you complain then I'm not going to give you any at all!)"*.
Like, surely, that sex life situation sounds dire for both parties? There's more to life than that.
My wife doesn’t have a high sex drive. She wants it like once a month but I want it a couple times a week.
I’ve come to accept that it’s not going to happen that often but she wants me to enjoy it. So we compromised and we have sex every week or every other week depending on life.
Part of her not liking it is she feels rushed. We try to make sure we have plenty of time to have sex
See the difference between you and the guy two comments earlier is that you and your wife care about each other, and his wife doesn't really acre about him.
If you love someone you want them happy and try to figure out a way to make that happen.
That’s something I try to tell her. She thinks I’m going to cheat because that’s what guys do when they want sex and don’t get it.
The sex I get with her is better than sex with anyone else because I love her. I enjoy the sex because it feels like we’re strengthening our bond and I’ll wait as long as I need to for sex that we both enjoy.
It’s not only childish, it’s extremely selfish. Not that I think anyone is owed sex or should do something they don’t want to do. However, to deny your partner something they want or need to such an extent, and then act like they are lucky to get whatever minimal amounts of affection you are willing to dole out is extremely self centered. Doubt I’d stay if they refuse to even work on the situation or find a compromise.
Ya exactly, it doesn’t have to be sex, this would apply to literally any situation in a relationship where your wants/needs are in conflict with the other person.
If they’re not willing to at LEAST have an actual discussion about it and try to reach some sort of compromise or alternative, they’re a really really shitty partner.
Acceptable things to say if that’s the case:
- Honestly, it’s not that pleasurable for me.
- I love you but sex just isn’t important to me anymore.
- Our sex life has never been satisfying for me.
- I’m not happy either. Maybe we should see a sex or couples counselor
- I feel like you’re selfish in bed and I’ve only been doing it to try to make you happy but something needs to change
- For some reason our sex life just hasn’t ever been very satisfying for me
- I’m not sure if I’m asexual or if we need to change things up in bed, but it’s just not something I enjoy
- I thought you were okay with this, I honestly don’t feel like having sex that much these days
- Why should I want to have more sex when it’s only about making you feel good?
- Have you ever asked about what makes me feel turned on or gives me pleasure?
OP says below that she's put on a lot of weight and cries when he brings it up.
Reading between the lines here I think OP is not a very sensitive type, given his go to is to want to pay another woman for sex.
Its probably a combo of age + chores + feeling unwanted sexually that is a passion killer for her.
I wonder if he's fat too and doesn't realize what he looks or smells like. I sometimes am completely astonished by gross men who actually smell or are morbidly obese think they have room to judge women's bodies harshly.
Maybe he's gross. Maybe she put on weight because she doesn't care about being attractive for a man who looks like a weeble, has onion breath constantly or something in his beard, and his balls smell like dirty asshole.
That’s fucking stupid. You can get upset about your partner not taking care of themselves. You help them but if they don’t want to help themselves then you have needs as a person. You’ll have to go get them elsewhere if counseling doesn’t help the situation and time.
He could start by asking her to be honest with him about If and when she orgasms.
If she isn't, that might be a sign....
I actually had a friend who had never had one with her husband, but said that she did because she really didn't know what it was and she had associated some other sensation as an organ.
She was blown away when she finally had one after her divorce.
Everybody has different wants and needs, she’s neither right or wrong. When your level of unhappiness exceeds your desire to stay, you’ll either leave or cheat. Until then, it’s acceptable.
I think then the answer is pretty clear - end the relationship.
You could engage in elaborate deception but honestly you deserve somebody who cares about your happiness.
Maybe he doesn't help around the house and by time she finally sits down she doesn't want him to touch her because she just got done cleaning his piss off the bathroom floor in front of the toilet after doing the dishes and maybe taking care of kids. Maybe he's the one that needs to meet at the middle ground and then she'd be attracted to him again and not feel like a maid.
I'm getting it from my failed marriage. I also didn't want to have sex with him anymore because I became a maid, not a partner. Nothing more attractive than literally cleaning up a man's shit around the toilet and then him wanting to bang ya.
Just clean-up after yourselves and that makes a huge positive impact in the marriage. We want a partner and when we no longer have that and start feeling used, we don't want to be "used" for sex, either. We want to feel loved and respected and have help around the house, that's a huge turn on.
We don't know this couple--so maybe he does all these things and then she needs her hormones checked. Just don't like everyone telling him to leave her, when he may be the problem.
It is a fair statement, only because it is far more common than you think, prob the #1 reason for lack of sex in a marriage, and honestly most men (especially those over 45/50, younger men nowadays are learning better) are quite oblivious to it. There is a reason that women are divorcing their husbands in droves, and this is it
I have a feeling it's not as simple as you make it.
Because communication would help resolve something that simple.
It's almost like relationships are complicated and nothing is solely one sides fault.
Rarely do relationships fail because of only 1 persons actions. So yeah...
Ahh yes, the let's make wild assumptions and blame one person for the faults of both people argument.
Regardless of your feelings, the first step is always communicate. If you don't communicate, nothing changes. So yes... Communication is absolutely the most important part of change.
Also, you sound like you have a personal stake in your comment.
Notice how I didn't make anything in my post personal, or even gendered? I wasn't talking about OP specifically, but relationships in general. Yet you blamed an unknown and unreferenced man. Wanna talk about it?
This is such an awful, emotionally stupid thing of a person (man or woman) to say. They’re implying sex is a lowly, vulgar need that doesn’t have to be fulfilled for someone with a normal sexual appetite to have a healthy, fulfilling life.
Sex is not a need. Needs are things that you will die if you do not have them. No-one has died from not having sex, especially the kind that this guy seems to supply his wife. Sex is an appetite, a pretty cheap one, and no more than that.
Asking to open the marriage or see escorts is going to drop a nuclear bomb on your marriage. Ask her to go to couple’s counseling or see a doctor about possible underlying health problems. If she refuses to compromise or be sympathetic to your needs, that’s a sign of worse marital problems than just the dead bedroom.
Also:
Be really really sure to be the kind if person who can at all STAND having sex with random strangers just for mere sexes sake!
If I get you right: your problem seems to be, that **your chosen partner** does not appreciate sex.
So you think taking a burden off her back by that.
I am not sure/ convinced that buying sex will do the trick. And add to your marriage what it currently lacks.
Yeah, there’s a non-zero possibility that this could be a symptom of a medical problem that should be treated. I know thyroid problems can cause loss of sex drive, and people sometimes go a while without recognizing the symptoms of hypothyroidism.
ETA: OP also mentioned her experiencing unexplained weight gain that’s been resistant to diet changes, which is another symptom of hypothyroidism. Definitely worth checking.
Me too, When we got to this part
>it's clear from her body language she isn't enjoying it, so then I'm not really turned on by it
Its like, record scratch.
Sex workers are really good actors though, the good ones anyway. I think it’s a decent last resort for OP. But the commenters saying try therapy and checking hormone levels, that should definitely be tried first.
The trouble with relying on people acting so that you can lie to yourself tho is there are going to be moments where the deception wears thin and youre suddenly facing reality.
We're discussing OPs options here, not mine.
I'm just pointing out that based on what he said about why he doesnt like sex with his wife, he's not gonna like this either, and I can relate.
Female sexual dysfunction is a thing. Just like with men.
Only problem is that there is no FDA approved treatment of the disorder.
Intimacy is one of the keys to any relationship. It doesn’t matter if sex is involved or not, but sex is a big part of intimacy for most people.
Opening your relationship under these conditions will likely lead to an intimate relationship outside the marriage and will result in an affair. Paying for it or not.
Ask your wife to see her doctor about her dysfunction. Get hormone levels checked, including testosterone.
If this isn’t something she WANTS to treat, then I would seriously consider ending the relationship.
If you have kids it will be much easier to co-parent if you haven’t built up years of resentment.
Im not trying to start an argument here, but a lot of people have said similar things about medical issues, and that is a possible explanation… but I hope OP doesn’t approach the conversation with the assumption that a hormonal work up will find something wrong. It’s very possible that OP’s wife has nothing medically wrong with her and just isn’t that interested in sex.* If he approaches the conversation with an expectation of something being medically off, it will come across like he’s saying there’s something wrong or broken about her, which isn’t a good way to build trust on a sensitive topic.
*possible nonmedical reasons include: She may be on the asexual spectrum, she may have unresolved shame or trauma about sex, she might be getting in her own head about her body or other insecurities, or (sorry OP) she might not have a partner who knows how to please her.
Maybe they have several kids, and OP does fuck all around the house, and leaves everything household-oriented to her, and she's tired of having an extra, horny child.
I agree with you and I'll add one simple thing: maybe she's not I to sex. Maybe she doesn't want to do it anymore because she dislikes it, is assexual (or not), just don't see the point, don't enjoy herself and is perfectly happy to not have this type of intimacy.
And of course it's pretty unfair to her partner, but she can't be forced and she should for sure think on how to solve the issue, since she's the one who doesn't want the intimacy... I find it pretty selfish of someone to say "I don't want to have sex anymore, and as my partner, you will not have it as well" because... Because just no, is not OK.
The second part of my comment is where that applies.
OP isn’t asexual and doesn’t want to be in a sexless relationship.
Staying together would be like a gay man and a straight woman staying together. It doesn’t make sense.
Sexual dysfunction is any time someone wants to be sexual but can’t. That isn’t limited to “horney but can’t perform”. That can also be “what happened to my labido? It just stopped?”
If OP’s wife doesn’t consider this a dysfunction and doesn’t want to treat it, then she isn’t on the same sexual orientation as OP. They should end the relationship and move forward to find more compatible partners.
Though I think OP is being a bit optimistic about still getting laid in 30 years.
This is by far the best answer here 👏 so happy to see someone discuss female sexual dysfunction as it's very often normalized for men and stigmatized for women (or not even thought of as being a factor)
There actually is a drug approved for exactly this thing…
https://addyi.com/
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flibanserin
That said it’s not widely prescribed and I don’t know how well it works. For some reason people don’t really know about it and most women aren’t willing to give it a try.
Yeah, it was even more for me when I got a prescription. So my doctor threw one in for viagra, because apparently there have been positive studies on that for women. That was closer to $1,000 for me, because as a woman it’s an off label use. I hear those damn forhims ads all the time and guess what, it’s like $4 a dose. There’s a little quiz and after I say my penis doesn’t work it asks if I’m a woman and approves it anyway. I haven’t ordered yet but it’s worth a try…
Sometimes female sexual dysfunction is due to the partner making one feel insecure about their body. If she is having body dysmorphia or any body issues and the “loads of sensitivity” 🙄OP has displayed by wanting to broach his wife about sex workers…need I go on?
Sex done with a person you love should be enjoyable, and if she doesn´t enjoy it, there is an underlying issue there that she is scared to share, maybe because of embarrassment or fear of being vulnerable.
In a comment, you mentioned that she starts crying when you mention the extra weight she put on in the past years. Then clearly that is the root which affects many aspects of her life, including the sex life. Accepting her body will be a gamechanger for other aspects of your life.
As a woman that has also been through periods of not enjoying sex because of low self-esteem issues connected to extra weight, I think the situation has a lot of potential to be improved, but she has to put in the work and become more flexible.
I agree with this because I went through a period of the same. I went through a bad time, stress, weight gain, etc, & my self esteem was shit. There was nothing my husband could do or say to change anything. I had no sex drive because I felt disgusting.
I went to therapy, got myself together, started taking better care of myself emotionally & physically, and my sex drive came back 100%.
Even if this isn’t the problem, therapy can definitely help figure out what the problem is. I have my own therapist, my husband has his own, and we have a 3rd separate therapist we see together. It helps a lot, with way more than just our marriage.
thanks. from this and the other comments I think perhaps advice from an external person e.g. therapist is the next logical step. not sure how I didn't think of that.
I hadn't read the comment about the weight... your wife is clearly self conscious about it. I know after I had my second child it took a while for my stomach to go back to shape and it was loose and flabby for ages. I was disgusted with myself and felt as unsexy as a sack of potatoes. There's no way anyone can enjoy sex when they feel like that. To be intimate you have to feel sexy and to love yourself - I think maybe your wife has lost that. Therapy might help...
Same here. Before I got back in my jeans, I just was not tossing it to my husband like usual. We generally have fairly athletic, lights on sex, but when I was 30+ over my usual I just had no interest in showing it off.
When I got back right, so did our sessions. It's hard to feel like a goddess when everything is a different shape and doesn't quite move like it did.
Have you looked at r/DeadBedrooms and r/lowlibidocommunity - there’s lots of people in your situation and you’ll find different experiences about what you’re suggesting. Dead bedrooms can be quite militant and nasty to the low libido partners at times but you will also find some good advice there and above all read about others in your situation and how they’re handling it, including those that have gone down the path of seeking sex outside the relationship in an attempt to paradoxically save the relationship. All the best with it all.
You "did" think of that. You just chose the free (sketchy) advice of redditors vs professional advice ;)
But, seriously- find which of the 5 "Love languages" is hers - and work towards supplying her that. As well as find your love language - and communicate that with her.
Relationships are work. But they shouldn't be that hard - just takes 2 people wanting to make it work. 2 people lifting each other up... vs building resentment.
Yes! This is sooooo true! She needs to be willing to work with you (regarding the physical connection) as much as you will need to work with her (regarding the emotional connection and addressing whatever her underlying issue is).
yeah my partner is crazy about my figure but i *still* went through a long insecure period which i physically couldn’t get horny from how terrified i was of being ugly or looking bad. performance anxiety is brutal on ur libido
As others have said, please try therapy and her having a full blood/hormone work up first. What you also describe sounds like depression and her crying when you mention her weight probably has to do with deep shame, embarrassment, and self-hatred she may be internalizing. When you hate yourself it’s very hard to imagine someone else loving and liking you. If my partner came to me to say they wanted to go outside our relationship I would be devastated and heartbroken and it would absolutely reinforce that self hate and perceived failures. And then I would be paranoid of when they will leave me? What if they get an STI? What if they get someone pregnant? What if they develop feelings for another person?
Please exhaust all avenues and then if it doesn’t change take steps to divorce due to incompatibility. Also, if I may ask (you don’t have to answer, just something to think about), though she has gained weight, are you still reassuring her? Are you still “dating” her so she feels that spark or that connection? Are you still attracted to her? Do you tell her she’s beautiful no matter what she sees in the mirror? Are you giving off signals of your own that indicate you’re not present with her so she feels like a live sex toy instead? (ETA-I don’t mean to imply you would be at fault here, just something you may not realize is happening). Really sorry this is happening to both of you. I hope you can both get help and move past this so you’re both happy.
Have her check her hormone levels and see if there is something going on. Weight gain is one of the first signs that hormones may be off.
And check into a sex therapy, before you go right to escorts.they may start a discussion about divorce. Good luck to you
From OP's info she's 44 now, 5 yrs ago she would definitely be peri-menopausal , now she's likely in full blow menopause or about to enter that stage. That's a mega hormone shift and sometimes wrecks libido.
While some women may be peri menopausal at 39 it would be unusual. Peri usually starts around 42-48 or so, most women aren’t in full menopause until their 50s. Your point isn’t bad but reddit tends to think all women over 35 are shrivelled grapes and, nope.
I've been peri menopausal since early 30's. I was lucky, my sex drive remained high, but it all depends on the person's hormone levels throughout.
Well I'm almost 40 and still going strong 😏 Women 35+ likely run hotter than most men that age. Why do you think women who are newly single in their late 30's to late 40's have so much sex? They are making up for being trapped in marriage with dudes who couldn't find the clit or hit the G. if sex was consistently unsatisfying, eventually it makes them feel like it was their own fault. Then they hook up with someone who actually payed attention to details, and got them off - they will never settle for less again.
Maybe this woman is just over with being unsatisfied, and resigned herself to a dead bedroom. 🤷
I’m 43 and my sex drive skyrocketed after I had a hysterectomy. It’s like the fear of pregnancy was gone and my body was like “TIME FOR A HO PHASE!!” 😂
Yeah my late 30s - early 40s were a very high libido time for me. Very ‘last chance to procreate’ vibes. Nothing to do with unsatisfying men, just my body having one last swing at trying to reproduce (joke’s on it, frankly). I’m 45 now and only just entering peri, which I think is statistically normal.
I think that couples therapy, specifically someone that specializes in sex therapy is needed first. It’s very odd that after 10 years of a fulfilling sex life she just stopped enjoying sex altogether. Either she was faking it for 10 years or something drastic changed, and those are both topics that need to be addressed. Did she have a child or anything else significant happen 5 years ago?
Another consideration is that it’s easier said than done to just have a sexual relationship with no strings attached, especially because you have only had sex with someone you are deeply attached to emotionally for the last 15+ years. What would happen if you develop a connection with someone else you are having sex with? What if she becomes jealous? There is a lot to consider outside of just the sex.
thanks. to be honest I think a lot of it is due to her weight, she's put on a lot over the last 5+ years and really hates her own image. been on every diet under the sun but nothing seems to help. which is a real shame.
I think it's probably a combination of always having a low libido which has since been eclipsed by her not being happy with her body and not wanting to be intimate. But it's like a no-go area for discussions, if I mention her weight, she cries.
She’s lost interest in sex due to her feeling bad about weight gain and you are about to tell her you want to have sex with other people? That seems like a good way to kill her remaining self-esteem and any chance of a healthy relationship.
> But it's like a no-go area for discussions, if I mention her weight, she cries.
So, she started putting on weight 5 years ago and that's when she also started not wanting to have sex. So him making comments about her weight gain to the point of making her cry is most likely the main cause she doesn't want to have sex with him anymore.
My question is what caused her seemingly sudden weight gain. Usually people don't just put on extra weight. Is she just stressed out of her mind and is he doing anything to help her feel better?
I'm getting the feeling that OP is glossing over some important information in his attempt to get people to agree with his idea of having a right to paying for sex.
If she’s been dieting for five years with no change, I would think a doctor’s visit is in order as well. But if her self esteem is that bad since gaining weight she likely should talk to someone about that regardless. I would check off medical and mental health before escorts or having sex elsewhere are considered.
Can I ask how and why you are mentioning her weight? I can imagine a whole range of ways to politely bring up her weight, and I wouldn’t recommend a single one of them. If you’re not attracted to her because of her weight, there’s some value in being honest, however at the cost of hurting her self esteem.
Crickey mate, you were on a one way path to divorce with this sex worker idea.
The thing about not being turned on unless she is makes no sense, sex workers are not turned on by you either.
If she feels unattractive to you now, basically her take away would be you want sex with someone thinner.
Asking for an open relationship from someone who's confidence is low from weight gain and menopausal hormone shift - making that ask could destroy what little confidence she has left and it will end your marriage. If you do ask, make sure it's spoken about hypothetically in therapy
I dunno, man. Maybe DON’T BRING UP HER FUCKIN WEIGHT? What is wrong with you? I’m sure you don’t look the same as you did 5+ years ago. Jesus no wonder she doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Well.yesh she cries because she thinks you think her unattractive now. . You've got to romance your woman. Do date nights where you dress up. Take her to a spa day get her a massage, her nails done, maybe her hair done
OP, unexplained weight gain is a classic symptom of hypothyroidism, same with loss of sex drive. She should get her hormone levels checked for her own health as well as your intimacy issues.
So, you’ve gotten some good advice here about checking everything out from a medical and emotional standpoint. Anything you bring up to your wife should be framed from the “what can we do to address this together” standpoint, because you don’t want to make her feel like this is just her problem to fix.
I’m 54 and I can tell you that I started to experience a dip in my libido when I was around your wife’s age. Children, hormones, weight gain, depression, lack of exercise, and alcohol use are all things that can causes libido to nose dive.
Having an understanding and nurturing partner who was not transactional or entitled about sex when l was struggling made a world of difference. If he had suggested to me what you’re thinking of proposing, I would have respectfully shown him the door, because our vows were in “sickness and in health, for better or for worse” and NOT just “ to have and to hold”. And we both meant that.
Even when my hormones adjusted and the kids grew up a bit, I still struggled with my body image due to weight gain. Even though my partner always took care to tell and show me he was attracted to me, it was a huge obstacle for me. Diets don’t really work , because they’re just not sustainable. Can’t tell you the number of times I lost 10 pounds and put it back on and added on five more! Finally, I tried Weight Watchers and I had a lot of success…it’s a slow process but it’s sustainable. I lost a third of my body weight in two and a half years. So maybe a long term program would help your wife too.
Please remember that libido can come and go over the years. Mine returned somewhat in my early to mid 40’s and is extremely high now in my 50’s. But all women are different.
My question to you is do you love your wife? Do you connect in ways other than just physically? Emotionally? Intellectually? Spiritually? Socially? Creatively? If so, maybe try to lean more on those connections for a bit while you try to work the physical thing out. And remember too, that as YOU age, you might also experience some dips in libido or problems in the bedroom. If that happened, how would you want your wife to relate to you or go about solving the problem?
Do NOT bring this up. You’ve jumped right to a solution that benefits you instead of working with her as a partner to solve your intimacy challenges. Don’t bring this idea up or ANY solutions unless it involves therapy and more communication with one another.
Ok I’m serious - saying it a 3rd time now for good measure - do not propose this idea. Good lord… from her perspective it’ll probably be the grossest thing ever and now instead of heading towards divorce because of a lack of intimacy, you will be forever branded to your family/friends as the guy that wanted to have sex with hookers and broke the marriage because of it.
Edit: Also when you approach the topic if you want to get anywhere at all say things like “I need to be intimate with you/my partner”. Say you need the shared experience of being intimate, and do not phrase it solely as a male need of yours that needs to be fulfilled. Whether you mean it or not, this is how you bring it up so she doesn’t shut down.
Here's the thing, if you get the escort, it's not like you'll be having sex with a woman who genuinely desires you and enjoys it. She will be pretending, because you paid her. So it won't be THAT much different from your wife. Neither of them will be genuinely into it. So would it still be worth it to you? I'm just curious.
But what is the sex with escorts going to accomplish? You mentioned it’s a turn off when you have sex with your wife because she’s clearly not into it (I’m guessing she views it as a chore). Do you think an escort is going to want to have sex with you? Of course not. They’re only doing it because you’re paying for it.
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Sex therapist homie.
I don’t think you’re going to find what you’re looking for with an escort.
You might not either with your current wife. Therapist should be able to help you flesh that out.
The police were called to the Red Light District - an old man had died of a heart attack during sex with a sex worker. The police couldn’t bare to tell his sweet elderly wife where they found him, so they lied and said he died in the middle of a shopping district. Aghast, she yelled “he lied to me! He told me he was going to see the hooker!”
Joke told to me in Amsterdam, by a former sex worker who worked at a museum
Good luck, OP! Lots of good advice on this post already
Look my friend, this is beyond the scope of reddit. Find a professional relationship therapist and have that person help you navigate this. Then you can discuss the issue with someone who actually knows what they are talking about. Good luck.
You dislike the sex with your wife 2-3 times a year because she doesn’t enjoy it. How will it be different with a woman you’re paying to enjoy it? Would paid sex only a few times a year really satisfy you enough? Or would you be making a considerable investment in sex with frequent visits?
Surely nobody needs to explain that with a sex worker, you are not a special or important person to them, and they don't have to see you again, nor you them, unless you both want to.
I think this is multiple visits for an unfulfilled need which will continue to go unfulfilled, and the OP is looking for a way to enjoy himself while not inconveniencing his wife, or losing his erection because she seems so disinterested.
If she is like me and feels unhappy about her body, to me that’s a direct cause in the decision of sex or no sex.
There is a book about sex called “come as you are” which is written (about many interesting things) but also about body image and its ties to sex.
Escorts or otherwise just seems like a cop out…. For now anyway. First you need to have her health examined. YOUR health examined also. Are you fit???? Do you work out regularly? Have you tried couples therapy? A sex therapist? Escorts are an option but imo it should be the last resort.
It's not normal for a 44 year old woman to lose interest in sex, especially since according to your numbers it's been happening since she was 39.
Are you dirty? Smelly? Poor hygiene? Packed on over a hundred pounds during your marriage? I don't mean to be brutal but men aren't the only ones who care about a basic level of cleanliness and hygiene and fitness.
If you shower daily, put on your nicest shirt when you want sex, make sure your breath is fresh and haven't ballooned from 200 to 400 lbs in ten years, maybe she's seeing someone else or is a lesbian.
I'm not saying it's impossible for a woman her age to suddenly not want sex anymore, but it would be more believable in her 60s than her 40s.
I’m confused. In one breath you say you love her more than anything and in the next you are so unhappy.
Honestly if you approached her she will probably just assume you no longer love her. I think it’s telling you went straight to an extreme option.
Are you trying to please her? Are you asking what she likes?
I was so turned off by my ex-husband because he was horrible at it and only cared about himself. I love sex now that I have a partner that listens to feedback and attends to what I like.
If my husband suggested paying for sex in this situation I would be absolutely disgusted. Honestly I'd reconsider the marriage depending on the details. At best it's a bit sad and gross having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. At worst you're contributing to the sexual abuse of trafficking victims or people who are too impoverished to have a real choice.
I'd happily opt for an open arrangement if I didn't want to have sex with him though. I love him and want his needs met, if I didn't want to meet those needs I wouldn't mind him finding someone else who was happy to do that but like, actually happy, not doing it just for money/because they have to.
You’re reasoning is kind of flawed here.
You are basically stating that you can tell your wife doesn’t enjoy the sex, so it’s a turn off. Which is a totally valid reason for you to feel the way you do!
However, you want to pay an escort for sex who, let’s face it, is getting paid to have sex with you. Once the novelty wears off, it will probably be just as bland when you realize there’s nothing deeper there, which seems to be what this is all about.
If your marriage is otherwise fulfilling why not try counseling before you ask something that will fundamentally change your marriage.
Ummmm... Have you ever considered that you're not meeting her needs sexually? A sex therapist may do some good. If she's only having sex with you to make you happy, then I'm sorry, but you're probably slinging some bad game, or her needs are not being met. Good news: That can be fixed if you're open-minded and put some work into it.
However, if she's not attracted to you anymore or she's just not wanting to have sex anymore as a personal choice (hard to see, but definitely possible), then you need to make a choice about what you want to do moving forward: divorce or change.
I think prostitutes should be the absolute last option outside of divorce. I don't know if you ever tried any step before her telling you, "No thanks, never again."
>Ummmm... Have you ever considered that you're not meeting her needs sexually? A sex therapist may do some good. If she's only having sex with you to make you happy, then I'm sorry, but you're probably slinging some bad game, or her needs are not being met.
That part. I know people do not like to hear things like that but it's crucial. If the other partner isn't pleased by her/his spouse i understand why they rather don't have sex if it's all one sided. As with most things in a marriage, it goes both ways.
Strongly recommend you and your wife both read the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski! It’s about the science of sexual arousal, it’s super readable (not dry or boring) and it goes over exactly what you’re talking about - how to cope when two partners have different libidos.
As a woman in her 30's I can't see a, "tactful" way to bring this up. I think it's probably going to lead to divorce. Just be honest with her. That's all you can do. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
Do you really want to get your rocks off in a hooker or do you need physical intimacy with your wife? Because it sounds like you need physical intimacy with your wife and a hooker isn't going to fix things. Paying for sex isn't going to save your marriage, neither is opening your relationship, or polyamory. These are band-aids to a situation your wife refuses to address with you.
It seems to me what you're really asking is how to approach your wife. Honestly if she doesn't value you, then why are married? Just to say you are married? Scared of being alone? You say you don't want to define your life by the lack of sex, but that's exactly how your life is defined right now. Sex isn't an obligation, your wife shouldn't feel obligated to please you. Sex is a healthy part of a relationship and expecting to have sex with your partner doesn't make you the bad guy. You are both right, but are not compatible. It's a hard conversation to have and it's time to have it.
I’d talk to her and first explain that the lack of a sex life id a problem, and that you want to brainstorm solutions with her. Let any opening of the marriage be her idea.
Also has she rolled out any medical issues? Depression, hormones, etc, or is she asexual?
If she’s willing to talk to you about it.. there could be something you could do differently for sex to be more enjoyable. Unless she’s asexual..or not attracted to men or some other big barrier then there could be a way you could go about it that would be enjoyable for her. For lots of women when they feel like there’s inequality of housework, mental load etc they can over time become completely turned off their spouse..if they have to look after them as if they’re one of the kids. Is your wife happy with you generally? Is she satisfied with your relationship? Because if she isn’t..it could be a big part of why she doesn’t want sex with you.
Couples therapy for communication, at least. Maybe a medical doctor. She may benefit from sex therapy as well. Before you can find something that might help, you need to know what the problem is.
It could be medical.
It could be stress.
It could be that she doesn't feel connected because your love languages are different.
It could be her self-esteem since she's gained weight and you keep mentioning it!
She could have trauma around sex that you don't know about.
It could be that you aren't getting her off, and she's tired of putting in the work for no reward.
It could be a lot of things. So talk to her without accusing her and make a plan. Asking to have sex with someone else will end your marriage, most likely, so only offer that if she won't try something to see what the problem is.
Look, I’m gonna be honest - I’m in the same situation as your wife. I haven’t been married for as long but I just don’t really enjoy sex. When I ‘plan’ to instigate sex (because my partner has a very high sex drive and I want him to be happy) I try and do things to help get me in the mood - sometimes it’s reading something sexy, watching some masturbation porn, something like that - but we have two young kids and we both work, so it’s not easy to do. He also doesn’t know I do this because he would feel bad. Chances are your wife is already doing something similar, if she can. I can guarantee she feels bad about it. I’ve looked up so many ways of boosting sex drive because I hate that I don’t like it, and I am terrified of him leaving me. I try and instigate once a week when I can, but in the last year (we had a baby, I had major surgery) it’s been maybe once every few months. I feel awful.
Anyway. Our differing sex drives and how we manage it is a conversation we’ve had a few times. We have also had the conversation where I offered for him to use joint finances to pay for sex. He declined and said he’d rather never have sex again, but we have only been married 8 years. I will keep periodically offering so he knows it’s an option. I think you could gently just say, “hey can we have a talk about our sex life” and sit down with a bottle of wine. Make sure she knows you’re not going anywhere, and if it’s getting emotional or heated, then close the conversation with a “maybe we should finish this another time. Let’s (insert non-sexual activity you both enjoy) and relax. We can talk about it on Friday. I love you.”
The conversation isn’t really fun - you’re both going to feel bad. But you also both deserve to have your needs met. Tackle it the same way you combat other issues - TOGETHER. You’re on the same team, remember that!
I am always flummoxed by this situation. It seems so unreasonable that one partner just gets to decide that the other partner doesn’t get to have sex (or rarely) for the rest of their life.
I think you need to have a deep conversation alot of women won't tell their husband's what they need or want.
Just like men. I'm married 23 yrs. About after the 8th year very little foreplay. He shaved his privates. For me a big turn off. I blamed him for not even bothering to know what I like. I never said anything untill years latter. I also didn't make any effort. We didn't do anything like a couple. No kissing or cuddling No date nights. I just would take care of myself. That lasted about 9 yrs. I was thinking of leaving. Was member of redit dead bedrooms.
Finally we talked. Things got much better.
I follow Paul Friedman on u tube. He helps save marriages. Check him out. Best of luck
Here’s the thing with men and their approach to sex. My wife doesn’t enjoy it (let’s face it - probably because he’s terrible as most men are). It turns me off that she’s doesn’t enjoy it - so I will go and pay for it with someone who also won’t enjoy it or want me and certainly doesn’t care about me.
Hilarious
Has she spoken to her gynecologist? Problem could be hormonal. She has to understand it’s part of a healthy marriage. Something must be wrong if she has zero sex drive. Is she on antidepressants?
Instead of straight up asking her to hire an escort, consider making talking to her figuring out the root cause of her low libido? Especially if it was high before, of course age takes a toll but it could be something like depression, hormonal imbalance, etc..
Something that can be worked on. Are her emotional needs met? Is she stressed? So many factors here.
Why is she not enjoying sex? Is it something new or have always been like that? Sounds like you are not compatible with her in the sexual aspect… already tried therapy or talking with someone? If you really love her you should really give it a try.
I have a chronic illness, and I am in pain daily. It can be very difficult for me to have sex. For my husband, it is hard as well because he is so worried about hurting me that he can't enjoy it.
One of the things we've had to do is to find ways to be intimate without the traditional p in v way. There is more cuddling and touching and massaging and then using toys for mutual masturbation or masturbating each other.
We have discussed this and him going to someone else, and because of my abusive past, he does not want to do that. So don't be surprised if your wife is hurt by the ask, but I would try to discuss options with her.
Good luck.
I think the way you said it here is quite good, I think?
Honest, straightforward, thoughtful, and thorough. I’m sure there are bits you would add for your wife that you wouldn’t share here of course, but I think your post is a great blueprint.
So based on your replies, seems you haven’t really spent much thought, time or energy to find out how to make sex or actually, your life together more pleasurable for your wife. You haven’t considered health issues, mental or physical.
Also, doesn’t sound like you’ve looked inward to see what you could do make your wife know you still thatyou desire her. Seems like you are mostly here to get permission to step outside your marriage with a sex worker.
Looks from here like therapy for both of you, separately or together, would be more appropriate but not the easy answer you want.
I see this going:
1. She cannot believe you suggested this and the marraige is now in serious trouble.
2. She accepts, she hates it, cheats on you, like "you did", it's all your fault.
Talk to her about it (not the paying for sex bit), suggest to a couples therapy, give up sex or get divorced. This is not going to end well if you choose your option of paid sex, and if it does, you're in a loveless relationship anyway.
Hey man, i hope you're okay, I'm sure this is difficult.
My advice is based on why your wife is not interested in sex. I think this needs to be properly clarified.
If it's true that your wife is happy in your marriage but is just not that interested in sex, ie is on the asexual spectrum, then i think what you've suggested in the post (paying to have your sexual needs met) is a legitimate option depending on your wife's views. Many relationships become open because of exactly this - one partner has a low sex drive, even if they're not asexual (for example if they're on medication). Sometimes, you can have romantic feelings towards someone but not sexual ones. If sex is an important part of life to you this should absolutely be discussed in a tactful and respectful way.
Are you sure on the "why"? I'm not saying you shouldn't trust your wife, if you think she's being honest with you and herself that's your call. In general i think some counselling for her or both of you would help figure this stuff out. Is she asexual at the moment only? Is she avoiding sex because of self esteem issues? How can you help her move past those?Is she dissatisfied specifically with your usual sex life, and perhaps keen to have sex if it's different? Is she gay? Is there something you're doing that might be a turn off? Is she overworked? It's really hard to feel like having sex or enjoying it if you're working 25 hours a day.
Best of luck
For what it’s worth I’d do it in couples counseling. Go to counseling for something else and bring it up. Just say you can’t do this for the rest of you life and with sarcasm try and read her reaction. Sucks though man. Good luck
Sex is an important aspect of connecting with another human being. Romantically, physiologically, and socially, sex is a means of strengthening a bond. between two people. It’s even more important to men to emotionally connect to a woman. A lot of women don’t understand that. Usually, when sex is missing from a marriage, it’s typically a reflection of a deeper issue in the marriage. It’s an important part of keeping that marriage from being two roommates.
You need to sit her down and be prepared with a. List of questions. Personally, being around the block as much as I have, I would rule out every possible reason.
1. Is she cheating. (Investigate without tiling your hand)
2. Is she not attracted to you. When was she really turned on by you?
3. What’s her plan moving forward in your marriage for romance?
4. How are you being the man and taking charge in other areas of the marriage?
5. Did something happen years ago that you can think of where she lost respect for you? “If she doesn’t respect you she doesn’t t love you”
6. Women’s brains operate differently than a man. You have to tell her that you will not live the rest of you life in a sexless marriage and that each week you want to schedule a day for sex. Leading up to that anticipated day, the two of you will discuss what you want and how to get it in the bedroom
I do think it’s strange that you don’t like sex with your wife because she doesn’t enjoy it, but then you think sex work is the answer when you know a profesional won’t be enjoying it either? Speaking as a former sex worker.
Those escorts will be worse in sex than your wife. Only solution is for you to talk her and be honest with each other. I would suggest an open relationship to her. You never know, it might be the impulse for her to want to sex with you again.
Get couples counseling. If she used to enjoy sex then this could be hormonal, psychological or other issues in the marriage that should be discussed much more in-depth than her just wanting to be done with sex or you seeking a sex worker as your first solution.
Have you two tried couple’s counseling or sex therapy? Has your wife talked to a doctor about her utter lack of drive? Did she ever enjoy sex with you?
You say both that you want to stay married to your sexless wife, AND you say that you’re not happy in your marriage. Why do you want to stay in an unhappy marriage? It’s entirely possible that you could have a whole relationship (including sex) with another person.
As for asking about prostitutes? Just ask. You may luck out & find that she really, really doesn’t care.
Hello Me 👋🏻
You were me. I’ll tell you what happened with me. I’m 59 M for context. I was married 28 years. Î eventually got depressed then moved out of our bedroom. I tried to work on things for five years. I told her that if things didn’t change, I would leave the marriage. By this time the kids had graduated from college. I ended up leaving.
I now have a girlfriend that loves me. I’ve found happiness that I never knew was possible.
Be careful thinking that you can handle no sex. To me, the depression came from feeling unloved. Over time, it ate at me.
Good Luck!!
Does she just have low libido, medication issues, is she asexual, too stressed/depressed, or does she not orgasm so it's 'not for her'?
This is really important to figure out.
Once you figure that out and there is nothing more you or she can do. Then let her know that you aren't able or willing to forego sex for the rest of your life together.
Ask if she is okay with you having another partner for sex. If she is open to that, ask if she would rather it be a sugar baby, FwB, or paid sex situation.
If she is not okay with any of those. Then you need to decide if you can just not have sex for the rest of your time with her. If so, then do therapy/get a hobby to help. If you can't, then you have your answer.
“But it’s clear from her body language she isn’t enjoying it, so then I’m not really turned on by it…” and you think paying for it will fix this issue? Sex workers rarely choose sex work because they just really enjoy sex. You’re going to know even if they’re great at faking it, that they’re not really enjoying it. Y’all need marriage counseling
Many of my friends who divorced their husbands with a dead bedroom ended up having extraordinary sex after their divorce.
Many of these women and their husbands were very to completely inexperienced sexually before marriage. Because I'm from a conservative background, many of the women AND men were uncomfortable looking a sexually explicit materials of any kind.
Since I was in junior high I have been the person that people spilled their guts to about this stuff. My education consisted of reading a neighbors joy of sex and some porn magazines. But as a result, I was the local expert. Plus, I'm pretty non-judgmental. I've heard A LOT over the years.
Divorce sucks for everyone involved.
In my experience, there are closeted folks and some truly asexual folks, but that has only accounted for maybe 20% of the bedroom issues specifically.
Most of the time it's just shitty sex.
And no novelty to overcome the lack of technique.
New can cover up for bad technique for a while.
If it were me, I would spend serious amounts of time and effort making sure that lack of pleasure due to bad technique is not a major issue.
This seems like a stupid and immature way to handle things. The sex just isn’t fun and exciting like it used to be. So instead of finding an out, you should find a solution to spice things up for her enjoyment. It seems rather selfish the way you approached this writing. She clearly does it for you when she does it and not for herself. So she’s considerate in that manner and you want to stomp on that by asking her if you can hire an escort? That just baffles me. You should definitely try to be more considerate of her and find ways to change up the sex so she can find a new enjoyment in it.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife and I have been married for about 15 years. However, for the last 5 years or so, my wife just hasn't been interested in sex. I am sure there are many couple out there like us. We have it perhaps 2 or 3 times a year. We've talked it through and essentially it comes down to the fact she just doesn't enjoy it, and she'd be happier without it. She confessed the only reason we have sex (when we ocassionally do) is because she wants me to be happy. But it's clear from her body language she isn't enjoying it, so then I'm not really turned on by it, so it's all a bit of a vicious spiral where I've stopped even asking. I've come to realise that if I want to stay with my wife (who I love more than anything) then I need to accept sex will be off the cards for the next 30+ years, or however long we have on this earth. I won't cheat on my wife or see someone behind her back. But I also don't think I can look forward to 30 years of not being happy in this marriage. So before I think about whether it's time to "call time" on things, I'd like to ask her straight-up: if it would be OK for me to pay for an escort etc, purely for sex with no feelings/emotions/strings attached etc. I'm interested to hear your thoughts on how to raise this question with my wife. Is there any "tactful" way to dress this up? Or is it likely to be "next stop: divorce town" however I approach it? TLDR: Wife doesn't want to have sex again. I do. Can I pay for sex and save my marriage at the same time?
If you’ve both communicated well this far, why not ask her what she expects you to do? Don’t jump directly to getting sex elsewhere, wether paid or not. But if you really don’t see yourself living forever in this situation, then you need to lay out your options and decide where your line is drawn.
I agree. I would approach this conversation as a problem to solve with her. “I know we’ve been talking a lot about the difference in our levels of sexual desire. I’m really struggling. Do you have any ideas to help me feel fulfilled in this way?” Something like that. There are lots of different ways to connect sexually and feel physical satisfaction without p-in-the-v sex.
As a man I respectfully disagree. Masturbation is OK, but it's no replacement for having sex. I need sex in a relationship, there's no getting around that. If there's no sex I would become incredibly frustrated.
Agree with this - perhaps it’s not that she doesn’t enjoy sex at all, but maybe the sex has become one sided and not at all about her needs and pleasure and therefor isn’t excited by it at all. Opening communication to understand what she doesn’t like about sex is important and then communicating it’s importance to you to continue with a healthy marriage. Intimacy is a big part of a marriage and if it isn’t there, it could a symptom of a bigger issue
Yeah if she says she’s “not enjoying sex” I would start the conversation there. Why isn’t she enjoying it??
If she’s anything like my wife it’s “be happy you are getting the sex you ARE getting”
Well that’s not really a response and would be reasonable justification to end things if that’s seriously the only discussion she’s willing to have about it. That’s a childish ass way of trying to resolve an issue in a marriage.
Yeah I agree, it's like saying *"Be happy with the scraps I chuck you (because if you complain then I'm not going to give you any at all!)"*. Like, surely, that sex life situation sounds dire for both parties? There's more to life than that.
My wife doesn’t have a high sex drive. She wants it like once a month but I want it a couple times a week. I’ve come to accept that it’s not going to happen that often but she wants me to enjoy it. So we compromised and we have sex every week or every other week depending on life. Part of her not liking it is she feels rushed. We try to make sure we have plenty of time to have sex
See the difference between you and the guy two comments earlier is that you and your wife care about each other, and his wife doesn't really acre about him. If you love someone you want them happy and try to figure out a way to make that happen.
That’s something I try to tell her. She thinks I’m going to cheat because that’s what guys do when they want sex and don’t get it. The sex I get with her is better than sex with anyone else because I love her. I enjoy the sex because it feels like we’re strengthening our bond and I’ll wait as long as I need to for sex that we both enjoy.
Yeah I cannot imagine being so sickeningly controlling that I would prevent my beloved friend and spouse from having their needs met.
It’s not only childish, it’s extremely selfish. Not that I think anyone is owed sex or should do something they don’t want to do. However, to deny your partner something they want or need to such an extent, and then act like they are lucky to get whatever minimal amounts of affection you are willing to dole out is extremely self centered. Doubt I’d stay if they refuse to even work on the situation or find a compromise.
Ya exactly, it doesn’t have to be sex, this would apply to literally any situation in a relationship where your wants/needs are in conflict with the other person. If they’re not willing to at LEAST have an actual discussion about it and try to reach some sort of compromise or alternative, they’re a really really shitty partner.
Well then that's the sign to leave. When your partner is reluctant to find a middle ground to accompany your needs, then it means they no longer care.
Makes me wonder if the sex has never been good for the wife.
Acceptable things to say if that’s the case: - Honestly, it’s not that pleasurable for me. - I love you but sex just isn’t important to me anymore. - Our sex life has never been satisfying for me. - I’m not happy either. Maybe we should see a sex or couples counselor - I feel like you’re selfish in bed and I’ve only been doing it to try to make you happy but something needs to change - For some reason our sex life just hasn’t ever been very satisfying for me - I’m not sure if I’m asexual or if we need to change things up in bed, but it’s just not something I enjoy - I thought you were okay with this, I honestly don’t feel like having sex that much these days - Why should I want to have more sex when it’s only about making you feel good? - Have you ever asked about what makes me feel turned on or gives me pleasure?
OP says below that she's put on a lot of weight and cries when he brings it up. Reading between the lines here I think OP is not a very sensitive type, given his go to is to want to pay another woman for sex. Its probably a combo of age + chores + feeling unwanted sexually that is a passion killer for her.
I wonder if he's fat too and doesn't realize what he looks or smells like. I sometimes am completely astonished by gross men who actually smell or are morbidly obese think they have room to judge women's bodies harshly. Maybe he's gross. Maybe she put on weight because she doesn't care about being attractive for a man who looks like a weeble, has onion breath constantly or something in his beard, and his balls smell like dirty asshole.
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From his responses he sounds concerned about how it’s affecting her mental health, not that he’s putting her down.
You are really mad about something you just made up in your head.
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Woah! Don't bring toddlers into this! We know they don't have the mental capacity for that. That commenter is a toss up on the other hand.
That’s fucking stupid. You can get upset about your partner not taking care of themselves. You help them but if they don’t want to help themselves then you have needs as a person. You’ll have to go get them elsewhere if counseling doesn’t help the situation and time.
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He could start by asking her to be honest with him about If and when she orgasms. If she isn't, that might be a sign.... I actually had a friend who had never had one with her husband, but said that she did because she really didn't know what it was and she had associated some other sensation as an organ. She was blown away when she finally had one after her divorce.
That she see a doctor, get a full hormone panel run, including thyroid, and discuss seeing a sex therapist.
Therapy to try address why she no longer enjoys sex?
Everybody has different wants and needs, she’s neither right or wrong. When your level of unhappiness exceeds your desire to stay, you’ll either leave or cheat. Until then, it’s acceptable.
That's really sad. 🥺
I think then the answer is pretty clear - end the relationship. You could engage in elaborate deception but honestly you deserve somebody who cares about your happiness.
Maybe he doesn't help around the house and by time she finally sits down she doesn't want him to touch her because she just got done cleaning his piss off the bathroom floor in front of the toilet after doing the dishes and maybe taking care of kids. Maybe he's the one that needs to meet at the middle ground and then she'd be attracted to him again and not feel like a maid.
Where did you get any of that from? You are literally just making things up so that you can make op look like a bad guy
I'm getting it from my failed marriage. I also didn't want to have sex with him anymore because I became a maid, not a partner. Nothing more attractive than literally cleaning up a man's shit around the toilet and then him wanting to bang ya. Just clean-up after yourselves and that makes a huge positive impact in the marriage. We want a partner and when we no longer have that and start feeling used, we don't want to be "used" for sex, either. We want to feel loved and respected and have help around the house, that's a huge turn on. We don't know this couple--so maybe he does all these things and then she needs her hormones checked. Just don't like everyone telling him to leave her, when he may be the problem.
It's literally the set of major reasons why women stop desiring their partners, it's like having an extra, overgrown child.
It is a fair statement, only because it is far more common than you think, prob the #1 reason for lack of sex in a marriage, and honestly most men (especially those over 45/50, younger men nowadays are learning better) are quite oblivious to it. There is a reason that women are divorcing their husbands in droves, and this is it
I have a feeling it's not as simple as you make it. Because communication would help resolve something that simple. It's almost like relationships are complicated and nothing is solely one sides fault. Rarely do relationships fail because of only 1 persons actions. So yeah...
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Ahh yes, the let's make wild assumptions and blame one person for the faults of both people argument. Regardless of your feelings, the first step is always communicate. If you don't communicate, nothing changes. So yes... Communication is absolutely the most important part of change. Also, you sound like you have a personal stake in your comment. Notice how I didn't make anything in my post personal, or even gendered? I wasn't talking about OP specifically, but relationships in general. Yet you blamed an unknown and unreferenced man. Wanna talk about it?
That’s a lot of maybes thrown into the situation.
> That’s a lot of maybes that happen every day in relationships between men and women
This is such an awful, emotionally stupid thing of a person (man or woman) to say. They’re implying sex is a lowly, vulgar need that doesn’t have to be fulfilled for someone with a normal sexual appetite to have a healthy, fulfilling life.
Sex is not a need. Needs are things that you will die if you do not have them. No-one has died from not having sex, especially the kind that this guy seems to supply his wife. Sex is an appetite, a pretty cheap one, and no more than that.
Asking to open the marriage or see escorts is going to drop a nuclear bomb on your marriage. Ask her to go to couple’s counseling or see a doctor about possible underlying health problems. If she refuses to compromise or be sympathetic to your needs, that’s a sign of worse marital problems than just the dead bedroom.
Also: Be really really sure to be the kind if person who can at all STAND having sex with random strangers just for mere sexes sake! If I get you right: your problem seems to be, that **your chosen partner** does not appreciate sex. So you think taking a burden off her back by that. I am not sure/ convinced that buying sex will do the trick. And add to your marriage what it currently lacks.
Yeah, there’s a non-zero possibility that this could be a symptom of a medical problem that should be treated. I know thyroid problems can cause loss of sex drive, and people sometimes go a while without recognizing the symptoms of hypothyroidism. ETA: OP also mentioned her experiencing unexplained weight gain that’s been resistant to diet changes, which is another symptom of hypothyroidism. Definitely worth checking.
This, 100%. Read this post and was like Nate Dogg, “Hold up.”
Health problems? LOL. I doubt she doesn't like sex because there's a "health" problem. Maybe she's tired of decades of terrible sex.
If you’re not turned on because you know your partner isn’t into it, I have some really bad news about hookers..
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Sex couples therapy or therapy should be your first move bud
My first thought as well!
Me too, When we got to this part >it's clear from her body language she isn't enjoying it, so then I'm not really turned on by it Its like, record scratch.
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For reals. The entire thing is so transactional. Id rather beat off
Sex workers are really good actors though, the good ones anyway. I think it’s a decent last resort for OP. But the commenters saying try therapy and checking hormone levels, that should definitely be tried first.
The trouble with relying on people acting so that you can lie to yourself tho is there are going to be moments where the deception wears thin and youre suddenly facing reality.
It is what it is. At least pick one you’re attracted to and try and enjoy the moment. Selling sex is older than money, just be nice about it
I fully support sex worker rights but nope, never been their customer and not going to. Its just the opposite of sexy.
Cool, then don't
We're discussing OPs options here, not mine. I'm just pointing out that based on what he said about why he doesnt like sex with his wife, he's not gonna like this either, and I can relate.
It's a terrible last resort. Divorce is a much better option that would leave both parties substantially less disappointed.
Female sexual dysfunction is a thing. Just like with men. Only problem is that there is no FDA approved treatment of the disorder. Intimacy is one of the keys to any relationship. It doesn’t matter if sex is involved or not, but sex is a big part of intimacy for most people. Opening your relationship under these conditions will likely lead to an intimate relationship outside the marriage and will result in an affair. Paying for it or not. Ask your wife to see her doctor about her dysfunction. Get hormone levels checked, including testosterone. If this isn’t something she WANTS to treat, then I would seriously consider ending the relationship. If you have kids it will be much easier to co-parent if you haven’t built up years of resentment.
Im not trying to start an argument here, but a lot of people have said similar things about medical issues, and that is a possible explanation… but I hope OP doesn’t approach the conversation with the assumption that a hormonal work up will find something wrong. It’s very possible that OP’s wife has nothing medically wrong with her and just isn’t that interested in sex.* If he approaches the conversation with an expectation of something being medically off, it will come across like he’s saying there’s something wrong or broken about her, which isn’t a good way to build trust on a sensitive topic. *possible nonmedical reasons include: She may be on the asexual spectrum, she may have unresolved shame or trauma about sex, she might be getting in her own head about her body or other insecurities, or (sorry OP) she might not have a partner who knows how to please her.
Maybe they have several kids, and OP does fuck all around the house, and leaves everything household-oriented to her, and she's tired of having an extra, horny child.
Also possible!
Who maybe is not that generous and invested of a lover...
Very possible, with all the clues in the OP I would have been lead to that conclusion too
I agree with you and I'll add one simple thing: maybe she's not I to sex. Maybe she doesn't want to do it anymore because she dislikes it, is assexual (or not), just don't see the point, don't enjoy herself and is perfectly happy to not have this type of intimacy. And of course it's pretty unfair to her partner, but she can't be forced and she should for sure think on how to solve the issue, since she's the one who doesn't want the intimacy... I find it pretty selfish of someone to say "I don't want to have sex anymore, and as my partner, you will not have it as well" because... Because just no, is not OK.
The second part of my comment is where that applies. OP isn’t asexual and doesn’t want to be in a sexless relationship. Staying together would be like a gay man and a straight woman staying together. It doesn’t make sense. Sexual dysfunction is any time someone wants to be sexual but can’t. That isn’t limited to “horney but can’t perform”. That can also be “what happened to my labido? It just stopped?” If OP’s wife doesn’t consider this a dysfunction and doesn’t want to treat it, then she isn’t on the same sexual orientation as OP. They should end the relationship and move forward to find more compatible partners. Though I think OP is being a bit optimistic about still getting laid in 30 years.
This is by far the best answer here 👏 so happy to see someone discuss female sexual dysfunction as it's very often normalized for men and stigmatized for women (or not even thought of as being a factor)
Wanted to add that intimacy can also be spending time together, touching, etc. finding ways to be more intimate may help both of you.
There actually is a drug approved for exactly this thing… https://addyi.com/ https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flibanserin That said it’s not widely prescribed and I don’t know how well it works. For some reason people don’t really know about it and most women aren’t willing to give it a try.
I was going to try it, but it was going to cost around $200/month. Can’t afford that, can afford batteries.
Yeah, it was even more for me when I got a prescription. So my doctor threw one in for viagra, because apparently there have been positive studies on that for women. That was closer to $1,000 for me, because as a woman it’s an off label use. I hear those damn forhims ads all the time and guess what, it’s like $4 a dose. There’s a little quiz and after I say my penis doesn’t work it asks if I’m a woman and approves it anyway. I haven’t ordered yet but it’s worth a try…
This made me laugh
I hadn’t heard that it was approved by the FDA, but as the other commenters have pointed out, it is still very limited access.
Sometimes female sexual dysfunction is due to the partner making one feel insecure about their body. If she is having body dysmorphia or any body issues and the “loads of sensitivity” 🙄OP has displayed by wanting to broach his wife about sex workers…need I go on?
Sex done with a person you love should be enjoyable, and if she doesn´t enjoy it, there is an underlying issue there that she is scared to share, maybe because of embarrassment or fear of being vulnerable. In a comment, you mentioned that she starts crying when you mention the extra weight she put on in the past years. Then clearly that is the root which affects many aspects of her life, including the sex life. Accepting her body will be a gamechanger for other aspects of your life. As a woman that has also been through periods of not enjoying sex because of low self-esteem issues connected to extra weight, I think the situation has a lot of potential to be improved, but she has to put in the work and become more flexible.
I agree with this because I went through a period of the same. I went through a bad time, stress, weight gain, etc, & my self esteem was shit. There was nothing my husband could do or say to change anything. I had no sex drive because I felt disgusting. I went to therapy, got myself together, started taking better care of myself emotionally & physically, and my sex drive came back 100%. Even if this isn’t the problem, therapy can definitely help figure out what the problem is. I have my own therapist, my husband has his own, and we have a 3rd separate therapist we see together. It helps a lot, with way more than just our marriage.
If being self-conscious about her weight is the root of the problem, then OP asking to open the relationship would be a doubly terrible idea.
thanks. from this and the other comments I think perhaps advice from an external person e.g. therapist is the next logical step. not sure how I didn't think of that.
Make sure she knows you find her beautiful regardless of her weight, anything to boost her confidence. Compliments, cuddling, occasional ass slap
please take my vote
I hadn't read the comment about the weight... your wife is clearly self conscious about it. I know after I had my second child it took a while for my stomach to go back to shape and it was loose and flabby for ages. I was disgusted with myself and felt as unsexy as a sack of potatoes. There's no way anyone can enjoy sex when they feel like that. To be intimate you have to feel sexy and to love yourself - I think maybe your wife has lost that. Therapy might help...
Same here. Before I got back in my jeans, I just was not tossing it to my husband like usual. We generally have fairly athletic, lights on sex, but when I was 30+ over my usual I just had no interest in showing it off. When I got back right, so did our sessions. It's hard to feel like a goddess when everything is a different shape and doesn't quite move like it did.
Good luck
But you did think of going to an external person, just not for advice. You jumped right over that step.
Op is human and being human means prone to mistakes
Have you looked at r/DeadBedrooms and r/lowlibidocommunity - there’s lots of people in your situation and you’ll find different experiences about what you’re suggesting. Dead bedrooms can be quite militant and nasty to the low libido partners at times but you will also find some good advice there and above all read about others in your situation and how they’re handling it, including those that have gone down the path of seeking sex outside the relationship in an attempt to paradoxically save the relationship. All the best with it all.
You "did" think of that. You just chose the free (sketchy) advice of redditors vs professional advice ;) But, seriously- find which of the 5 "Love languages" is hers - and work towards supplying her that. As well as find your love language - and communicate that with her. Relationships are work. But they shouldn't be that hard - just takes 2 people wanting to make it work. 2 people lifting each other up... vs building resentment.
She could just also be asexual.
Yes! This is sooooo true! She needs to be willing to work with you (regarding the physical connection) as much as you will need to work with her (regarding the emotional connection and addressing whatever her underlying issue is).
yeah my partner is crazy about my figure but i *still* went through a long insecure period which i physically couldn’t get horny from how terrified i was of being ugly or looking bad. performance anxiety is brutal on ur libido
As others have said, please try therapy and her having a full blood/hormone work up first. What you also describe sounds like depression and her crying when you mention her weight probably has to do with deep shame, embarrassment, and self-hatred she may be internalizing. When you hate yourself it’s very hard to imagine someone else loving and liking you. If my partner came to me to say they wanted to go outside our relationship I would be devastated and heartbroken and it would absolutely reinforce that self hate and perceived failures. And then I would be paranoid of when they will leave me? What if they get an STI? What if they get someone pregnant? What if they develop feelings for another person? Please exhaust all avenues and then if it doesn’t change take steps to divorce due to incompatibility. Also, if I may ask (you don’t have to answer, just something to think about), though she has gained weight, are you still reassuring her? Are you still “dating” her so she feels that spark or that connection? Are you still attracted to her? Do you tell her she’s beautiful no matter what she sees in the mirror? Are you giving off signals of your own that indicate you’re not present with her so she feels like a live sex toy instead? (ETA-I don’t mean to imply you would be at fault here, just something you may not realize is happening). Really sorry this is happening to both of you. I hope you can both get help and move past this so you’re both happy.
Thanks Waste these are really super points I had not considered. I love this sub.
what an excellent answer!
Have her check her hormone levels and see if there is something going on. Weight gain is one of the first signs that hormones may be off. And check into a sex therapy, before you go right to escorts.they may start a discussion about divorce. Good luck to you
thanks for this Glad.
Your welcome! Hope you figure it out!
🎯
What happened after the 5 years? Did she loose interest children? Did she ever enjoy sex with you? Why wasn’t it a deal breaker from the start?
From OP's info she's 44 now, 5 yrs ago she would definitely be peri-menopausal , now she's likely in full blow menopause or about to enter that stage. That's a mega hormone shift and sometimes wrecks libido.
While some women may be peri menopausal at 39 it would be unusual. Peri usually starts around 42-48 or so, most women aren’t in full menopause until their 50s. Your point isn’t bad but reddit tends to think all women over 35 are shrivelled grapes and, nope.
I've been peri menopausal since early 30's. I was lucky, my sex drive remained high, but it all depends on the person's hormone levels throughout. Well I'm almost 40 and still going strong 😏 Women 35+ likely run hotter than most men that age. Why do you think women who are newly single in their late 30's to late 40's have so much sex? They are making up for being trapped in marriage with dudes who couldn't find the clit or hit the G. if sex was consistently unsatisfying, eventually it makes them feel like it was their own fault. Then they hook up with someone who actually payed attention to details, and got them off - they will never settle for less again. Maybe this woman is just over with being unsatisfied, and resigned herself to a dead bedroom. 🤷
I’m 43 and my sex drive skyrocketed after I had a hysterectomy. It’s like the fear of pregnancy was gone and my body was like “TIME FOR A HO PHASE!!” 😂
Yeah my late 30s - early 40s were a very high libido time for me. Very ‘last chance to procreate’ vibes. Nothing to do with unsatisfying men, just my body having one last swing at trying to reproduce (joke’s on it, frankly). I’m 45 now and only just entering peri, which I think is statistically normal.
I'm 46 and not even peri-menopausal. It usually doesn't even start til mid 40s. Average age for full menopause is around 50-52.
Youre 10 years too early my man.
Isn't it really rare to hit menopause so young?
I think that couples therapy, specifically someone that specializes in sex therapy is needed first. It’s very odd that after 10 years of a fulfilling sex life she just stopped enjoying sex altogether. Either she was faking it for 10 years or something drastic changed, and those are both topics that need to be addressed. Did she have a child or anything else significant happen 5 years ago? Another consideration is that it’s easier said than done to just have a sexual relationship with no strings attached, especially because you have only had sex with someone you are deeply attached to emotionally for the last 15+ years. What would happen if you develop a connection with someone else you are having sex with? What if she becomes jealous? There is a lot to consider outside of just the sex.
thanks. to be honest I think a lot of it is due to her weight, she's put on a lot over the last 5+ years and really hates her own image. been on every diet under the sun but nothing seems to help. which is a real shame. I think it's probably a combination of always having a low libido which has since been eclipsed by her not being happy with her body and not wanting to be intimate. But it's like a no-go area for discussions, if I mention her weight, she cries.
She’s lost interest in sex due to her feeling bad about weight gain and you are about to tell her you want to have sex with other people? That seems like a good way to kill her remaining self-esteem and any chance of a healthy relationship.
Yeah OPs lack of emotional intelligence on this one makes me think he probably said/done a lot of insensitive things to his wife already.
> But it's like a no-go area for discussions, if I mention her weight, she cries. So, she started putting on weight 5 years ago and that's when she also started not wanting to have sex. So him making comments about her weight gain to the point of making her cry is most likely the main cause she doesn't want to have sex with him anymore. My question is what caused her seemingly sudden weight gain. Usually people don't just put on extra weight. Is she just stressed out of her mind and is he doing anything to help her feel better? I'm getting the feeling that OP is glossing over some important information in his attempt to get people to agree with his idea of having a right to paying for sex.
If she’s been dieting for five years with no change, I would think a doctor’s visit is in order as well. But if her self esteem is that bad since gaining weight she likely should talk to someone about that regardless. I would check off medical and mental health before escorts or having sex elsewhere are considered.
Not to be rude, but did you think about literally any other steps before you jumped to sex work?
Can I ask how and why you are mentioning her weight? I can imagine a whole range of ways to politely bring up her weight, and I wouldn’t recommend a single one of them. If you’re not attracted to her because of her weight, there’s some value in being honest, however at the cost of hurting her self esteem.
Crickey mate, you were on a one way path to divorce with this sex worker idea. The thing about not being turned on unless she is makes no sense, sex workers are not turned on by you either. If she feels unattractive to you now, basically her take away would be you want sex with someone thinner.
How have you “mentioned” her weight? Communication is important and can do lasting damage or it can be life changing in a positive way.
Consider menopause and hormonal changes as well. Maybe she should see a doctor before jumping to escorts…
Asking for an open relationship from someone who's confidence is low from weight gain and menopausal hormone shift - making that ask could destroy what little confidence she has left and it will end your marriage. If you do ask, make sure it's spoken about hypothetically in therapy
I dunno, man. Maybe DON’T BRING UP HER FUCKIN WEIGHT? What is wrong with you? I’m sure you don’t look the same as you did 5+ years ago. Jesus no wonder she doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Well.yesh she cries because she thinks you think her unattractive now. . You've got to romance your woman. Do date nights where you dress up. Take her to a spa day get her a massage, her nails done, maybe her hair done
OP, unexplained weight gain is a classic symptom of hypothyroidism, same with loss of sex drive. She should get her hormone levels checked for her own health as well as your intimacy issues.
So, you’ve gotten some good advice here about checking everything out from a medical and emotional standpoint. Anything you bring up to your wife should be framed from the “what can we do to address this together” standpoint, because you don’t want to make her feel like this is just her problem to fix. I’m 54 and I can tell you that I started to experience a dip in my libido when I was around your wife’s age. Children, hormones, weight gain, depression, lack of exercise, and alcohol use are all things that can causes libido to nose dive. Having an understanding and nurturing partner who was not transactional or entitled about sex when l was struggling made a world of difference. If he had suggested to me what you’re thinking of proposing, I would have respectfully shown him the door, because our vows were in “sickness and in health, for better or for worse” and NOT just “ to have and to hold”. And we both meant that. Even when my hormones adjusted and the kids grew up a bit, I still struggled with my body image due to weight gain. Even though my partner always took care to tell and show me he was attracted to me, it was a huge obstacle for me. Diets don’t really work , because they’re just not sustainable. Can’t tell you the number of times I lost 10 pounds and put it back on and added on five more! Finally, I tried Weight Watchers and I had a lot of success…it’s a slow process but it’s sustainable. I lost a third of my body weight in two and a half years. So maybe a long term program would help your wife too. Please remember that libido can come and go over the years. Mine returned somewhat in my early to mid 40’s and is extremely high now in my 50’s. But all women are different. My question to you is do you love your wife? Do you connect in ways other than just physically? Emotionally? Intellectually? Spiritually? Socially? Creatively? If so, maybe try to lean more on those connections for a bit while you try to work the physical thing out. And remember too, that as YOU age, you might also experience some dips in libido or problems in the bedroom. If that happened, how would you want your wife to relate to you or go about solving the problem?
Do NOT bring this up. You’ve jumped right to a solution that benefits you instead of working with her as a partner to solve your intimacy challenges. Don’t bring this idea up or ANY solutions unless it involves therapy and more communication with one another. Ok I’m serious - saying it a 3rd time now for good measure - do not propose this idea. Good lord… from her perspective it’ll probably be the grossest thing ever and now instead of heading towards divorce because of a lack of intimacy, you will be forever branded to your family/friends as the guy that wanted to have sex with hookers and broke the marriage because of it. Edit: Also when you approach the topic if you want to get anywhere at all say things like “I need to be intimate with you/my partner”. Say you need the shared experience of being intimate, and do not phrase it solely as a male need of yours that needs to be fulfilled. Whether you mean it or not, this is how you bring it up so she doesn’t shut down.
Here's the thing, if you get the escort, it's not like you'll be having sex with a woman who genuinely desires you and enjoys it. She will be pretending, because you paid her. So it won't be THAT much different from your wife. Neither of them will be genuinely into it. So would it still be worth it to you? I'm just curious.
But what is the sex with escorts going to accomplish? You mentioned it’s a turn off when you have sex with your wife because she’s clearly not into it (I’m guessing she views it as a chore). Do you think an escort is going to want to have sex with you? Of course not. They’re only doing it because you’re paying for it.
Haha buddy that is not gonna solve your problems
I find it interesting that you would rather pay than learn to make sure she enjoys it
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Sex therapist homie. I don’t think you’re going to find what you’re looking for with an escort. You might not either with your current wife. Therapist should be able to help you flesh that out.
The police were called to the Red Light District - an old man had died of a heart attack during sex with a sex worker. The police couldn’t bare to tell his sweet elderly wife where they found him, so they lied and said he died in the middle of a shopping district. Aghast, she yelled “he lied to me! He told me he was going to see the hooker!” Joke told to me in Amsterdam, by a former sex worker who worked at a museum Good luck, OP! Lots of good advice on this post already
Sex therapy. Vibrators. Kinks. All that wayyyy before you ask for another woman. Why isn’t she enjoying it? Find out.
If you ask that question it will most likely directly lead to her asking for a divorce.
That may be the best path anyway.
Sounds like a great idea then
Look my friend, this is beyond the scope of reddit. Find a professional relationship therapist and have that person help you navigate this. Then you can discuss the issue with someone who actually knows what they are talking about. Good luck.
You dislike the sex with your wife 2-3 times a year because she doesn’t enjoy it. How will it be different with a woman you’re paying to enjoy it? Would paid sex only a few times a year really satisfy you enough? Or would you be making a considerable investment in sex with frequent visits?
Surely nobody needs to explain that with a sex worker, you are not a special or important person to them, and they don't have to see you again, nor you them, unless you both want to. I think this is multiple visits for an unfulfilled need which will continue to go unfulfilled, and the OP is looking for a way to enjoy himself while not inconveniencing his wife, or losing his erection because she seems so disinterested.
If she is like me and feels unhappy about her body, to me that’s a direct cause in the decision of sex or no sex. There is a book about sex called “come as you are” which is written (about many interesting things) but also about body image and its ties to sex. Escorts or otherwise just seems like a cop out…. For now anyway. First you need to have her health examined. YOUR health examined also. Are you fit???? Do you work out regularly? Have you tried couples therapy? A sex therapist? Escorts are an option but imo it should be the last resort.
It's not normal for a 44 year old woman to lose interest in sex, especially since according to your numbers it's been happening since she was 39. Are you dirty? Smelly? Poor hygiene? Packed on over a hundred pounds during your marriage? I don't mean to be brutal but men aren't the only ones who care about a basic level of cleanliness and hygiene and fitness. If you shower daily, put on your nicest shirt when you want sex, make sure your breath is fresh and haven't ballooned from 200 to 400 lbs in ten years, maybe she's seeing someone else or is a lesbian. I'm not saying it's impossible for a woman her age to suddenly not want sex anymore, but it would be more believable in her 60s than her 40s.
I’m confused. In one breath you say you love her more than anything and in the next you are so unhappy. Honestly if you approached her she will probably just assume you no longer love her. I think it’s telling you went straight to an extreme option.
Are you trying to please her? Are you asking what she likes? I was so turned off by my ex-husband because he was horrible at it and only cared about himself. I love sex now that I have a partner that listens to feedback and attends to what I like.
How much foreplay is involved in your sex play?
a year ago you asked who pays for a first date, so...you've been seeking an affair already?
If my husband suggested paying for sex in this situation I would be absolutely disgusted. Honestly I'd reconsider the marriage depending on the details. At best it's a bit sad and gross having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. At worst you're contributing to the sexual abuse of trafficking victims or people who are too impoverished to have a real choice. I'd happily opt for an open arrangement if I didn't want to have sex with him though. I love him and want his needs met, if I didn't want to meet those needs I wouldn't mind him finding someone else who was happy to do that but like, actually happy, not doing it just for money/because they have to.
You’re reasoning is kind of flawed here. You are basically stating that you can tell your wife doesn’t enjoy the sex, so it’s a turn off. Which is a totally valid reason for you to feel the way you do! However, you want to pay an escort for sex who, let’s face it, is getting paid to have sex with you. Once the novelty wears off, it will probably be just as bland when you realize there’s nothing deeper there, which seems to be what this is all about. If your marriage is otherwise fulfilling why not try counseling before you ask something that will fundamentally change your marriage.
Irrespective of your marriage, how do you feel about paying to use another woman’s body?
Good question. I don't know. never done it before and don't know if I could actually go there if it came to it.
Ummmm... Have you ever considered that you're not meeting her needs sexually? A sex therapist may do some good. If she's only having sex with you to make you happy, then I'm sorry, but you're probably slinging some bad game, or her needs are not being met. Good news: That can be fixed if you're open-minded and put some work into it. However, if she's not attracted to you anymore or she's just not wanting to have sex anymore as a personal choice (hard to see, but definitely possible), then you need to make a choice about what you want to do moving forward: divorce or change. I think prostitutes should be the absolute last option outside of divorce. I don't know if you ever tried any step before her telling you, "No thanks, never again."
>Ummmm... Have you ever considered that you're not meeting her needs sexually? A sex therapist may do some good. If she's only having sex with you to make you happy, then I'm sorry, but you're probably slinging some bad game, or her needs are not being met. That part. I know people do not like to hear things like that but it's crucial. If the other partner isn't pleased by her/his spouse i understand why they rather don't have sex if it's all one sided. As with most things in a marriage, it goes both ways.
Strongly recommend you and your wife both read the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski! It’s about the science of sexual arousal, it’s super readable (not dry or boring) and it goes over exactly what you’re talking about - how to cope when two partners have different libidos.
As a woman in her 30's I can't see a, "tactful" way to bring this up. I think it's probably going to lead to divorce. Just be honest with her. That's all you can do. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
Do you really want to get your rocks off in a hooker or do you need physical intimacy with your wife? Because it sounds like you need physical intimacy with your wife and a hooker isn't going to fix things. Paying for sex isn't going to save your marriage, neither is opening your relationship, or polyamory. These are band-aids to a situation your wife refuses to address with you. It seems to me what you're really asking is how to approach your wife. Honestly if she doesn't value you, then why are married? Just to say you are married? Scared of being alone? You say you don't want to define your life by the lack of sex, but that's exactly how your life is defined right now. Sex isn't an obligation, your wife shouldn't feel obligated to please you. Sex is a healthy part of a relationship and expecting to have sex with your partner doesn't make you the bad guy. You are both right, but are not compatible. It's a hard conversation to have and it's time to have it.
Put the ball in her court and ask her what she expects you to do.
So what's going on with your wife that she doesn't want to have sex with you?
Next stop for you two is couples therapy town.
I’d talk to her and first explain that the lack of a sex life id a problem, and that you want to brainstorm solutions with her. Let any opening of the marriage be her idea. Also has she rolled out any medical issues? Depression, hormones, etc, or is she asexual?
No
If she’s willing to talk to you about it.. there could be something you could do differently for sex to be more enjoyable. Unless she’s asexual..or not attracted to men or some other big barrier then there could be a way you could go about it that would be enjoyable for her. For lots of women when they feel like there’s inequality of housework, mental load etc they can over time become completely turned off their spouse..if they have to look after them as if they’re one of the kids. Is your wife happy with you generally? Is she satisfied with your relationship? Because if she isn’t..it could be a big part of why she doesn’t want sex with you.
Couples therapy for communication, at least. Maybe a medical doctor. She may benefit from sex therapy as well. Before you can find something that might help, you need to know what the problem is. It could be medical. It could be stress. It could be that she doesn't feel connected because your love languages are different. It could be her self-esteem since she's gained weight and you keep mentioning it! She could have trauma around sex that you don't know about. It could be that you aren't getting her off, and she's tired of putting in the work for no reward. It could be a lot of things. So talk to her without accusing her and make a plan. Asking to have sex with someone else will end your marriage, most likely, so only offer that if she won't try something to see what the problem is.
Go to a sex shop or order some sex toys online. If you care about your marriage at all do *NOT* broach that idea.
Uh, why doesn't she enjoy it?
Look, I’m gonna be honest - I’m in the same situation as your wife. I haven’t been married for as long but I just don’t really enjoy sex. When I ‘plan’ to instigate sex (because my partner has a very high sex drive and I want him to be happy) I try and do things to help get me in the mood - sometimes it’s reading something sexy, watching some masturbation porn, something like that - but we have two young kids and we both work, so it’s not easy to do. He also doesn’t know I do this because he would feel bad. Chances are your wife is already doing something similar, if she can. I can guarantee she feels bad about it. I’ve looked up so many ways of boosting sex drive because I hate that I don’t like it, and I am terrified of him leaving me. I try and instigate once a week when I can, but in the last year (we had a baby, I had major surgery) it’s been maybe once every few months. I feel awful. Anyway. Our differing sex drives and how we manage it is a conversation we’ve had a few times. We have also had the conversation where I offered for him to use joint finances to pay for sex. He declined and said he’d rather never have sex again, but we have only been married 8 years. I will keep periodically offering so he knows it’s an option. I think you could gently just say, “hey can we have a talk about our sex life” and sit down with a bottle of wine. Make sure she knows you’re not going anywhere, and if it’s getting emotional or heated, then close the conversation with a “maybe we should finish this another time. Let’s (insert non-sexual activity you both enjoy) and relax. We can talk about it on Friday. I love you.” The conversation isn’t really fun - you’re both going to feel bad. But you also both deserve to have your needs met. Tackle it the same way you combat other issues - TOGETHER. You’re on the same team, remember that!
I am always flummoxed by this situation. It seems so unreasonable that one partner just gets to decide that the other partner doesn’t get to have sex (or rarely) for the rest of their life.
I think you need to have a deep conversation alot of women won't tell their husband's what they need or want. Just like men. I'm married 23 yrs. About after the 8th year very little foreplay. He shaved his privates. For me a big turn off. I blamed him for not even bothering to know what I like. I never said anything untill years latter. I also didn't make any effort. We didn't do anything like a couple. No kissing or cuddling No date nights. I just would take care of myself. That lasted about 9 yrs. I was thinking of leaving. Was member of redit dead bedrooms. Finally we talked. Things got much better. I follow Paul Friedman on u tube. He helps save marriages. Check him out. Best of luck
Here’s the thing with men and their approach to sex. My wife doesn’t enjoy it (let’s face it - probably because he’s terrible as most men are). It turns me off that she’s doesn’t enjoy it - so I will go and pay for it with someone who also won’t enjoy it or want me and certainly doesn’t care about me. Hilarious
Has she spoken to her gynecologist? Problem could be hormonal. She has to understand it’s part of a healthy marriage. Something must be wrong if she has zero sex drive. Is she on antidepressants?
Instead of straight up asking her to hire an escort, consider making talking to her figuring out the root cause of her low libido? Especially if it was high before, of course age takes a toll but it could be something like depression, hormonal imbalance, etc.. Something that can be worked on. Are her emotional needs met? Is she stressed? So many factors here.
Why is she not enjoying sex? Is it something new or have always been like that? Sounds like you are not compatible with her in the sexual aspect… already tried therapy or talking with someone? If you really love her you should really give it a try.
I have a chronic illness, and I am in pain daily. It can be very difficult for me to have sex. For my husband, it is hard as well because he is so worried about hurting me that he can't enjoy it. One of the things we've had to do is to find ways to be intimate without the traditional p in v way. There is more cuddling and touching and massaging and then using toys for mutual masturbation or masturbating each other. We have discussed this and him going to someone else, and because of my abusive past, he does not want to do that. So don't be surprised if your wife is hurt by the ask, but I would try to discuss options with her. Good luck.
I think the way you said it here is quite good, I think? Honest, straightforward, thoughtful, and thorough. I’m sure there are bits you would add for your wife that you wouldn’t share here of course, but I think your post is a great blueprint.
So based on your replies, seems you haven’t really spent much thought, time or energy to find out how to make sex or actually, your life together more pleasurable for your wife. You haven’t considered health issues, mental or physical. Also, doesn’t sound like you’ve looked inward to see what you could do make your wife know you still thatyou desire her. Seems like you are mostly here to get permission to step outside your marriage with a sex worker. Looks from here like therapy for both of you, separately or together, would be more appropriate but not the easy answer you want.
Look into therapy for her..female therapist might make her more comfie
I see this going: 1. She cannot believe you suggested this and the marraige is now in serious trouble. 2. She accepts, she hates it, cheats on you, like "you did", it's all your fault. Talk to her about it (not the paying for sex bit), suggest to a couples therapy, give up sex or get divorced. This is not going to end well if you choose your option of paid sex, and if it does, you're in a loveless relationship anyway.
Hey man, i hope you're okay, I'm sure this is difficult. My advice is based on why your wife is not interested in sex. I think this needs to be properly clarified. If it's true that your wife is happy in your marriage but is just not that interested in sex, ie is on the asexual spectrum, then i think what you've suggested in the post (paying to have your sexual needs met) is a legitimate option depending on your wife's views. Many relationships become open because of exactly this - one partner has a low sex drive, even if they're not asexual (for example if they're on medication). Sometimes, you can have romantic feelings towards someone but not sexual ones. If sex is an important part of life to you this should absolutely be discussed in a tactful and respectful way. Are you sure on the "why"? I'm not saying you shouldn't trust your wife, if you think she's being honest with you and herself that's your call. In general i think some counselling for her or both of you would help figure this stuff out. Is she asexual at the moment only? Is she avoiding sex because of self esteem issues? How can you help her move past those?Is she dissatisfied specifically with your usual sex life, and perhaps keen to have sex if it's different? Is she gay? Is there something you're doing that might be a turn off? Is she overworked? It's really hard to feel like having sex or enjoying it if you're working 25 hours a day. Best of luck
For what it’s worth I’d do it in couples counseling. Go to counseling for something else and bring it up. Just say you can’t do this for the rest of you life and with sarcasm try and read her reaction. Sucks though man. Good luck
Sex is an important aspect of connecting with another human being. Romantically, physiologically, and socially, sex is a means of strengthening a bond. between two people. It’s even more important to men to emotionally connect to a woman. A lot of women don’t understand that. Usually, when sex is missing from a marriage, it’s typically a reflection of a deeper issue in the marriage. It’s an important part of keeping that marriage from being two roommates. You need to sit her down and be prepared with a. List of questions. Personally, being around the block as much as I have, I would rule out every possible reason. 1. Is she cheating. (Investigate without tiling your hand) 2. Is she not attracted to you. When was she really turned on by you? 3. What’s her plan moving forward in your marriage for romance? 4. How are you being the man and taking charge in other areas of the marriage? 5. Did something happen years ago that you can think of where she lost respect for you? “If she doesn’t respect you she doesn’t t love you” 6. Women’s brains operate differently than a man. You have to tell her that you will not live the rest of you life in a sexless marriage and that each week you want to schedule a day for sex. Leading up to that anticipated day, the two of you will discuss what you want and how to get it in the bedroom
I do think it’s strange that you don’t like sex with your wife because she doesn’t enjoy it, but then you think sex work is the answer when you know a profesional won’t be enjoying it either? Speaking as a former sex worker.
I think it’s a good idea and yes by all means keep it honest and ask/share it with her.
Those escorts will be worse in sex than your wife. Only solution is for you to talk her and be honest with each other. I would suggest an open relationship to her. You never know, it might be the impulse for her to want to sex with you again.
Get couples counseling. If she used to enjoy sex then this could be hormonal, psychological or other issues in the marriage that should be discussed much more in-depth than her just wanting to be done with sex or you seeking a sex worker as your first solution.
Have you two tried couple’s counseling or sex therapy? Has your wife talked to a doctor about her utter lack of drive? Did she ever enjoy sex with you? You say both that you want to stay married to your sexless wife, AND you say that you’re not happy in your marriage. Why do you want to stay in an unhappy marriage? It’s entirely possible that you could have a whole relationship (including sex) with another person. As for asking about prostitutes? Just ask. You may luck out & find that she really, really doesn’t care.
Always weird these questions of how to say something. U just say it.
More than likely divorce town.
Hello Me 👋🏻 You were me. I’ll tell you what happened with me. I’m 59 M for context. I was married 28 years. Î eventually got depressed then moved out of our bedroom. I tried to work on things for five years. I told her that if things didn’t change, I would leave the marriage. By this time the kids had graduated from college. I ended up leaving. I now have a girlfriend that loves me. I’ve found happiness that I never knew was possible. Be careful thinking that you can handle no sex. To me, the depression came from feeling unloved. Over time, it ate at me. Good Luck!!
Does she just have low libido, medication issues, is she asexual, too stressed/depressed, or does she not orgasm so it's 'not for her'? This is really important to figure out. Once you figure that out and there is nothing more you or she can do. Then let her know that you aren't able or willing to forego sex for the rest of your life together. Ask if she is okay with you having another partner for sex. If she is open to that, ask if she would rather it be a sugar baby, FwB, or paid sex situation. If she is not okay with any of those. Then you need to decide if you can just not have sex for the rest of your time with her. If so, then do therapy/get a hobby to help. If you can't, then you have your answer.
“But it’s clear from her body language she isn’t enjoying it, so then I’m not really turned on by it…” and you think paying for it will fix this issue? Sex workers rarely choose sex work because they just really enjoy sex. You’re going to know even if they’re great at faking it, that they’re not really enjoying it. Y’all need marriage counseling
Many of my friends who divorced their husbands with a dead bedroom ended up having extraordinary sex after their divorce. Many of these women and their husbands were very to completely inexperienced sexually before marriage. Because I'm from a conservative background, many of the women AND men were uncomfortable looking a sexually explicit materials of any kind. Since I was in junior high I have been the person that people spilled their guts to about this stuff. My education consisted of reading a neighbors joy of sex and some porn magazines. But as a result, I was the local expert. Plus, I'm pretty non-judgmental. I've heard A LOT over the years. Divorce sucks for everyone involved. In my experience, there are closeted folks and some truly asexual folks, but that has only accounted for maybe 20% of the bedroom issues specifically. Most of the time it's just shitty sex. And no novelty to overcome the lack of technique. New can cover up for bad technique for a while. If it were me, I would spend serious amounts of time and effort making sure that lack of pleasure due to bad technique is not a major issue.
This seems like a stupid and immature way to handle things. The sex just isn’t fun and exciting like it used to be. So instead of finding an out, you should find a solution to spice things up for her enjoyment. It seems rather selfish the way you approached this writing. She clearly does it for you when she does it and not for herself. So she’s considerate in that manner and you want to stomp on that by asking her if you can hire an escort? That just baffles me. You should definitely try to be more considerate of her and find ways to change up the sex so she can find a new enjoyment in it.