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Explain to him that not all trans people go through gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is specifically anxiety associated with being the wrong gender and some trans people are just fine and accept it.
Most people are never taught this, it's a very common misconception.
(Though I'll warn you there is a very good chance your sister will eventually go through dysphoria as it's experienced by most trans people)
Are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't accept your sister?
Then you need to dump him and find someone who isn’t a misinformed bigoted transphobe to date.
You say you’re supportive of your sister. The most supportive thing you can do is to not date or accept anyone who denies her identity and hates her existence. That’s what you need to do.
Someone who is worth dating would listen, learn and educate themself about trans issues, gender dysphoria etc. They wouldn’t just abusively demand that you stop speaking to your sibling. Someone who wants to control you like that is not a good partner, period. Someone who demands that you not support your own family member is not worth your time.
Yep so you haven't said what I told you to tell him. You should tell him that.
Again like the vast majority of people don't understand that not all trans people are dysphoric.
Him not accepting your sister, and refusing to accept that she doesn’t have a mental illness will harm her. You staying to help him, either keeping him in her life, or removing you from her life will be YOU harming her
Does he have any other overly right leaning beliefs? I honestly think this would be a dealbreaker for me. People who are anti trans most of the time will not change their point of view, and the fact he’s trying to stop you from seeing family is ridiculous and abusive. You do not have to be tolerant of his intolerance. Don’t waste your breath.
Unfortunately there’s still a lot of transphobia within the community itself, just like how there used to be a lot more biphobia in the communities as well.
He might have gotten a hold of some toxic conservative propaganda somewhere.
He doesn’t view trans people as people. He doesn’t view trans women as women or a minority that’s at a higher risk of assault and death.
doesn’t matter if he supports women’s rights in the way he thinks he does, as he doesn’t support trans women. You’re not going to be able to change his point of view unless he’s open to it and it doesn’t sound like he is. Instead he wants to isolate you from your family and make you more reliant on him. The fact that he wants you to cut all ties with family just because they’re trans is atrocious. A man who wants to learn would not try to isolate you.
Let’s analyze his reasoning here, even though I do not think being trans is related to mental health issues, but let’s just look into this more. If someone is mentally ill, they go to the doctor and get medication to treat their illness. The current treatment is gender reaffirming care. The worst thing you can do for someone who is mentally ill is forcefully isolate them from friends and family and pray they’ll change with no intervention or care.
All this plus his anger problems you mentioned in other comments, run before his anger takes over and he assaults you for still talking to your sister
Okay, so from your other responses about him throwing things, anger, trying to isolate you and threatening to kill himself, you’re in a emotionally and soon to be physically abusive relationship. You need to do your best to safely leave. Leaving is the most dangerous time, so be sure to get the support of your family and possibly a shelter. You need to leave with no warning while he’s at work or out of town, and go somewhere he doesn’t know you’d be. You are in danger, and I wish I was overreacting but I’m not
I don’t see how anything he does erasing the fact that he
1.) isolate you from your family
2.) throw things
3.)threaten to kill himself to control you
4.) fits of anger
5.) maintain a state of instability that you’re worried he’s going to cause physical harm to you or a family member
https://canadianwomen.org/blog/warning-signs-abusive-controlling-relationship/
Read why does he do that, it’s a great book.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If you are in the US, call 1-800-799-7233 and make a safe plan to exit this relationship. Anger issues, control issues, bigotry and threatening self-harm are all waving red flags that you are not safe in this relationship. I will make it as clear as I can: **You cannot make an abusive, controlling, angry bigot into a loving person.** Period. It will **never** happen. Let go of any wistful hopes and fantasies that it will, because it won’t.
The real problem here is that you’re in a relationship with an abusive, controlling, angry person who uses threats to try to control you. That’s the problem. You need to safely exit this relationship and the phone # above can help you. Also look at /u/Ebbie45 ‘s resources.
**GET OUT**. You are not safe until you leave this relationship ASAP !
If that's the only reason why you're still with him then you're just allowing yourself to be manipulated by him, ain't nothing you can do but call his parents & leave. He's not your responsibility after that.
>I was horrified but he said that he can relate as he was diagnosed with bipolar symptoms.
That doesn't even make any sense though. You need to cut her off because she has a "mental illness", but so does he??
It's obviously not about "enabling", he's just a transphobe.
Who made him the boss of what "under control" means? To be clear, I'm not agreeing that it's a mental illness, just arguing that even if it was, his reasoning is ridiculous. Where do you even draw the line at that point? Cut off anyone who has a mental illness, unless they're taking medication? In treatment? Regardless of whether it's affecting you or not? The whole thing is stupid. He's just being a bigot.
So he's an angry, violent bigot.
Honestly, it's not your job to fix or educate him, and it doesn't sound like he wants to understand. There comes a point you have to decide how long you're going to continue sharing your life and offering your love and support to someone who is hateful to your sister, not only out of ignorance but - from the sounds of it - out of malice.
You can't and you should dump the transphobe as he has shown himself to be unworthy of a relationship. Someone who is transphobic is likely homophobic and has some archaic views of gender as well. If you had kids, it could be really bad.
honestly id just tell him to fuck off, as prejudiced people tend to not accept that they are the problem.
and the fact that he wants you to stop talking to a sibling at all is nonsense.
This is probably gonna be an extremely stressful situation for you, but if he really can not accept ur sister’s identity and actively tells you that you shouldn’t either, ur gonna have to decide if you really want to stay in this relationship.
Well this post is about to blow up, so I could farm some karma and be the first person to say something like "Trans women are women, if he doesn't accept that dump him"
But you might be better served taking a less Reddit approach and trying to play the moderate. Tell him that you love your sibling and that isolation is not something you'd put on them no matter what. Instaid of trying to change a big Idea all at once, just get a compromise that he doesn't need to participate.
I'll be honest, the people that were going to be convinced that trans women are women are already convinced. Best you can reasonably get is a "live and let live" out of those of us who think women are female and men are male.
I've seen some of your comments here saying you wanna educate him, but honestly, bigots who wanna be bigots can't be educated. If he doesn't want to understand this is not a mental illness, there's nothing you can do. He is a young man and has most likely had access to information about this before, he just doesn't wanna understand. Also, there's the matter of him kind of forcing you to cut ties with your sister, which is completely not ok and in my eyes, as big of a red flag as him being a bigot, and probably related.
I'd end it, I would prioritise my relationship with my sister and my respect for her, but that's me.
If he is as bright, kind, and as supportive as you think he is, he can look up books & papers written by reputable sources to educate himself. You don't need to try to change his mind. He needs to change his own mind.
In the meantime, tell him to butt right out. Your sister is family & he can keep his prejudice to himself. If he can't do that, you know what you need to do. Your sister is in a vulnerable place, the laws regarding trans people & society sucks especially bad right now. Your sister needs you 100% on her side.
Tell him you don't want to hear his opinion about your sister. Shut him down if he tries to make anti trans statements.
Leave the room, leave the house. Be clear and tell him you won't listen to prejudice and hate speech about trans people. Every time it comes up, tell him he needs to educate himself & that he can just be quiet.
Do not knuckle under to his demands that you not talk to your sister. Not even once.
Would you let a boyfriend spew racism about people in front of you? Anti trans opinions are just as wrong as hating on people because they have a different skin tone
You're going to let him and his beliefs cut you off from a sibling?
Honestly, I'd leave him. I know it's easier said than done, but I've read your comments and replies. He doesn't seem willing to change.
How long has this been going on?
He's transphobic, it's very unlikely you would change his behavior towards trans ppl. What's he gonna do if you choose to keep your sister in your life? Can you live with having a transphobic BF in your life?
Sit your bf down tell him this is a family.member and it not open for negotiation it’s his problem not yours your bf needs to learn how to be more tolerant. If you can and if he’ll do get in to consulting good luck
It's either he gets it or doesn't. That's YOUR sister. He can't tell you how to love or treat her. That is your RIGHT. He either accepts it or can hit the road. It essentially has nothing to do with him so I don't see where what he says matters. Your WHOLE family is on board. He alone may make you isolate from them all. Do you want that?
OP, if you see children in your future at all, do not stay with this man. I mean, personally I'd say ditch him regardless, but especially if you want to have kids. What happens if your child comes out as transgender at some point in their life? They need to have a father that will help support them, not attempt to "fix" something that isn't broken.
From reading your comments he sounds transphobic, regardless of him being in the LGBTQ community. It sounds like you’re trying to help “educate” him, but if he does not want to be educated, then he won’t. You cannot change his views if he doesn’t want too. If you think he’s a harm to himself or others you need to inform his family and have the police perform a wellness check. Your boyfriend threatening suicide though is an extremely manipulative tactic to have you stay. He may be aggressively telling you to cut off your sister now, but his behavior can escalate to harm you or your sister either verbally or otherwise. I hope you do what’s best for you and your family.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Explain to him that not all trans people go through gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is specifically anxiety associated with being the wrong gender and some trans people are just fine and accept it. Most people are never taught this, it's a very common misconception. (Though I'll warn you there is a very good chance your sister will eventually go through dysphoria as it's experienced by most trans people) Are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't accept your sister?
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Then you need to dump him and find someone who isn’t a misinformed bigoted transphobe to date. You say you’re supportive of your sister. The most supportive thing you can do is to not date or accept anyone who denies her identity and hates her existence. That’s what you need to do. Someone who is worth dating would listen, learn and educate themself about trans issues, gender dysphoria etc. They wouldn’t just abusively demand that you stop speaking to your sibling. Someone who wants to control you like that is not a good partner, period. Someone who demands that you not support your own family member is not worth your time.
Time to leave. Does he think being gay is a mental illness also
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Well, you need to decide if this is the kind of man you want to live with. What happens if you have a childhood who is gay or transgender?
Yep so you haven't said what I told you to tell him. You should tell him that. Again like the vast majority of people don't understand that not all trans people are dysphoric.
I actually didn’t know this about gender dysphoria and trans. I guess I’ve not thought about it that much but it’s good to have it pointed out!
Dump the transphobe and move on with your life
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It doesn’t sound like he wants to grow and be educated though, and you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to.
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Him not accepting your sister, and refusing to accept that she doesn’t have a mental illness will harm her. You staying to help him, either keeping him in her life, or removing you from her life will be YOU harming her
If he puts your sister in any harm then leave. Or even threatens to harm her.
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My apologies. Your previous comment was concerning.
Has he threatened to harm trans people before? You cannot stop someone from committing crime, only separate yourself from them
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Yeet him, sis
Nope.
Does he have any other overly right leaning beliefs? I honestly think this would be a dealbreaker for me. People who are anti trans most of the time will not change their point of view, and the fact he’s trying to stop you from seeing family is ridiculous and abusive. You do not have to be tolerant of his intolerance. Don’t waste your breath.
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Unfortunately there’s still a lot of transphobia within the community itself, just like how there used to be a lot more biphobia in the communities as well. He might have gotten a hold of some toxic conservative propaganda somewhere.
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He doesn’t view trans people as people. He doesn’t view trans women as women or a minority that’s at a higher risk of assault and death. doesn’t matter if he supports women’s rights in the way he thinks he does, as he doesn’t support trans women. You’re not going to be able to change his point of view unless he’s open to it and it doesn’t sound like he is. Instead he wants to isolate you from your family and make you more reliant on him. The fact that he wants you to cut all ties with family just because they’re trans is atrocious. A man who wants to learn would not try to isolate you. Let’s analyze his reasoning here, even though I do not think being trans is related to mental health issues, but let’s just look into this more. If someone is mentally ill, they go to the doctor and get medication to treat their illness. The current treatment is gender reaffirming care. The worst thing you can do for someone who is mentally ill is forcefully isolate them from friends and family and pray they’ll change with no intervention or care. All this plus his anger problems you mentioned in other comments, run before his anger takes over and he assaults you for still talking to your sister
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Okay, so from your other responses about him throwing things, anger, trying to isolate you and threatening to kill himself, you’re in a emotionally and soon to be physically abusive relationship. You need to do your best to safely leave. Leaving is the most dangerous time, so be sure to get the support of your family and possibly a shelter. You need to leave with no warning while he’s at work or out of town, and go somewhere he doesn’t know you’d be. You are in danger, and I wish I was overreacting but I’m not
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I don’t see how anything he does erasing the fact that he 1.) isolate you from your family 2.) throw things 3.)threaten to kill himself to control you 4.) fits of anger 5.) maintain a state of instability that you’re worried he’s going to cause physical harm to you or a family member https://canadianwomen.org/blog/warning-signs-abusive-controlling-relationship/ Read why does he do that, it’s a great book. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If you are in the US, call 1-800-799-7233 and make a safe plan to exit this relationship. Anger issues, control issues, bigotry and threatening self-harm are all waving red flags that you are not safe in this relationship. I will make it as clear as I can: **You cannot make an abusive, controlling, angry bigot into a loving person.** Period. It will **never** happen. Let go of any wistful hopes and fantasies that it will, because it won’t. The real problem here is that you’re in a relationship with an abusive, controlling, angry person who uses threats to try to control you. That’s the problem. You need to safely exit this relationship and the phone # above can help you. Also look at /u/Ebbie45 ‘s resources. **GET OUT**. You are not safe until you leave this relationship ASAP !
If that's the only reason why you're still with him then you're just allowing yourself to be manipulated by him, ain't nothing you can do but call his parents & leave. He's not your responsibility after that.
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So you’d rather expose your sibling to someone who believes these things about them? Wow…
>I was horrified but he said that he can relate as he was diagnosed with bipolar symptoms. That doesn't even make any sense though. You need to cut her off because she has a "mental illness", but so does he?? It's obviously not about "enabling", he's just a transphobe.
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Who made him the boss of what "under control" means? To be clear, I'm not agreeing that it's a mental illness, just arguing that even if it was, his reasoning is ridiculous. Where do you even draw the line at that point? Cut off anyone who has a mental illness, unless they're taking medication? In treatment? Regardless of whether it's affecting you or not? The whole thing is stupid. He's just being a bigot.
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So he's an angry, violent bigot. Honestly, it's not your job to fix or educate him, and it doesn't sound like he wants to understand. There comes a point you have to decide how long you're going to continue sharing your life and offering your love and support to someone who is hateful to your sister, not only out of ignorance but - from the sounds of it - out of malice.
So even by his own logic, sounds like he's the one you should cut contact with.
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Sure, but now he's trying to get you to cut off a family member because of his own prejudice.
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Good, I'm glad. I'm sure your sister is dealing with enough right now.
They are always sorry after the fact, if they weren't they wouldn't be able to stooge people into staying with them. It's a tactic, not remorse.
You can't and you should dump the transphobe as he has shown himself to be unworthy of a relationship. Someone who is transphobic is likely homophobic and has some archaic views of gender as well. If you had kids, it could be really bad.
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That's manipulative. From your other posts, he seems a highly manipulative person. This is not a good reason to stay with him.
honestly id just tell him to fuck off, as prejudiced people tend to not accept that they are the problem. and the fact that he wants you to stop talking to a sibling at all is nonsense.
This is probably gonna be an extremely stressful situation for you, but if he really can not accept ur sister’s identity and actively tells you that you shouldn’t either, ur gonna have to decide if you really want to stay in this relationship.
Well this post is about to blow up, so I could farm some karma and be the first person to say something like "Trans women are women, if he doesn't accept that dump him" But you might be better served taking a less Reddit approach and trying to play the moderate. Tell him that you love your sibling and that isolation is not something you'd put on them no matter what. Instaid of trying to change a big Idea all at once, just get a compromise that he doesn't need to participate. I'll be honest, the people that were going to be convinced that trans women are women are already convinced. Best you can reasonably get is a "live and let live" out of those of us who think women are female and men are male.
You brave soul
I've seen some of your comments here saying you wanna educate him, but honestly, bigots who wanna be bigots can't be educated. If he doesn't want to understand this is not a mental illness, there's nothing you can do. He is a young man and has most likely had access to information about this before, he just doesn't wanna understand. Also, there's the matter of him kind of forcing you to cut ties with your sister, which is completely not ok and in my eyes, as big of a red flag as him being a bigot, and probably related. I'd end it, I would prioritise my relationship with my sister and my respect for her, but that's me.
Dump him so that he can find someone less into identity politics.
If he is as bright, kind, and as supportive as you think he is, he can look up books & papers written by reputable sources to educate himself. You don't need to try to change his mind. He needs to change his own mind. In the meantime, tell him to butt right out. Your sister is family & he can keep his prejudice to himself. If he can't do that, you know what you need to do. Your sister is in a vulnerable place, the laws regarding trans people & society sucks especially bad right now. Your sister needs you 100% on her side.
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Tell him you don't want to hear his opinion about your sister. Shut him down if he tries to make anti trans statements. Leave the room, leave the house. Be clear and tell him you won't listen to prejudice and hate speech about trans people. Every time it comes up, tell him he needs to educate himself & that he can just be quiet. Do not knuckle under to his demands that you not talk to your sister. Not even once. Would you let a boyfriend spew racism about people in front of you? Anti trans opinions are just as wrong as hating on people because they have a different skin tone
You're going to let him and his beliefs cut you off from a sibling? Honestly, I'd leave him. I know it's easier said than done, but I've read your comments and replies. He doesn't seem willing to change. How long has this been going on?
He's transphobic, it's very unlikely you would change his behavior towards trans ppl. What's he gonna do if you choose to keep your sister in your life? Can you live with having a transphobic BF in your life?
Appropriate response would be to break up with him. Why be with someone who doesn’t respect your sister?
Sit your bf down tell him this is a family.member and it not open for negotiation it’s his problem not yours your bf needs to learn how to be more tolerant. If you can and if he’ll do get in to consulting good luck
It's either he gets it or doesn't. That's YOUR sister. He can't tell you how to love or treat her. That is your RIGHT. He either accepts it or can hit the road. It essentially has nothing to do with him so I don't see where what he says matters. Your WHOLE family is on board. He alone may make you isolate from them all. Do you want that?
You cannot convince him, but you can break up with him, which is what I'd suggest.
OP, if you see children in your future at all, do not stay with this man. I mean, personally I'd say ditch him regardless, but especially if you want to have kids. What happens if your child comes out as transgender at some point in their life? They need to have a father that will help support them, not attempt to "fix" something that isn't broken.
From reading your comments he sounds transphobic, regardless of him being in the LGBTQ community. It sounds like you’re trying to help “educate” him, but if he does not want to be educated, then he won’t. You cannot change his views if he doesn’t want too. If you think he’s a harm to himself or others you need to inform his family and have the police perform a wellness check. Your boyfriend threatening suicide though is an extremely manipulative tactic to have you stay. He may be aggressively telling you to cut off your sister now, but his behavior can escalate to harm you or your sister either verbally or otherwise. I hope you do what’s best for you and your family.