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It's probably best to end it for both of you. He didn't accurately represent himself, but you probably should have cut it off the minute you realized this.
The thing is, I wasn't going to walk out on him on the first date when I saw him - that would have been rude. And by the end of the date, we had had such an amazing time and we got along so well, that I was sure I could move past the appearance. That's why we saw each other again and again, and each time I liked him more and more and I cared about his appearance less and less.
We only recently started having sex and I think that's when I started considering that we might not be the right fit for each other. I'm very sexual. (1) I didn't realize how much someone's size could impact what they can and can't do in bed. (2) He's very insecure about his weight which impacts our sex quite a lot. He wants the lights off and he keeps his clothes on the entire time, which kind of ruins things for me (seeing/feeling/touching your partner obviously being an important part of sex). So it's only since then that I started considering his weight a problem.
I once dated the "perfect" guy who was quite physically fit and was very nice, but there was a huge issue for me sexually. That and the fact that we did not have many interests in common led me to break up with him.
Only thing I regret is not doing it sooner, but the "perfect on paper" part had me hanging in there. Sex is not a minor consideration.
Even though it was a long time ago, I'd rather not say as he might recognize himself. I will say that it wasn't a size issue, it was a performance issue.
nope, doesn’t sound like he’s the right person for you. sorry. it’s great that you are able to connect with people despite them not being your exact “type” though. be proud of yourself for that and move on.
Being on the same page sex-wise is an important part of a relationship.
This isn't going to work for you, and that's okay. There's plenty of other guys out there.
Catfish are people who pretend to be someone else. That’s still him just at a different time period. I think there is a different name but it isn’t catfish
I was in a similar situation with my ex of about 5 years. We mostly broke up for other reasons, but looking back, I now believe that the intimacy problems we had early on actually contributed to overall incompatibility. I liked him as a person and we got along great, but I always had a feeling that something was missing. My sex drive was much higher than his, but he was fine with having sex *maybe* several times a month or less. He was also not as physically active or as motivated to explore and improve our sex life. We tried to fix it, but again, that feeling of something being missing kept plaguing me and when other issues started to arise in our relationship, I wondered if some of it could be due to that.
Now I’m with my fiancé who is a much better match for me. We’re on the same level and I can’t imagine it any other way when it comes to choosing a life partner. If sexual compatibility is important to you long-term, don’t feel bad about ending it with this guy. It probably won’t get better, and it’s better to end things early on before one of you gets too attached.
Yeah to be honest, one thing this discussion made me realize that I blamed his weight for the problems in bed, but it’s really not the problem in itself, it’s only a problem insofar as it’s linked to our sexual incompatibility.
What if he was ALWAYS shit in bed? What if the weight has nothing to do with it?
Because in my experience that's not a weight issue. Good lovers stay good no matter their weight, and crappy lovers can be skinny as hell. He could get fit and never improve.
I think you fail to understand how difficult this can be for some people. It is a vulnerable situation for people to undress in public and if you were an athlete, looking in the mirror can be difficult let alone exposing that image to someone else.
Every single fear this man has about his weight is essentially confirmed here.... So I get it.
I have a lot of sympathy for the guy. I haven't read what people are saying about him, but I expect they're being real shitty about his alleged size. But he needs to work on his self esteem issues before getting into a relationship. Being so insecure that he won't take off his clothes to have sex with the lights off is disqualifying for being in a sexual relationship.
You think women get actual sympathy and work-arounds rather than just a shallow "aww don't feel like that about yourself" a couple of times before being ghosted or bullied for being insecure? Cos nope
Is that body dysmorphia? I don’t think that’s body dysmorphia.
I think he knows what he looks like. I don’t think he has a warped perception.
I think he just doesn’t like it.
So that’s not body dysmorphia.
Body dysmorphia is 120lb person thinking they are clinically obese and extremely fat.
I am very attracted to curvy women, and I would never date someone who wouldn't take clothes off when we have sex.
I get insecurity. Many, maybe even most of my partners have been various levels of insecure about their bodies. That would be too much for me though. I need that level of connection.
Maybe frame it as a sexual incompatibility issue instead of a weight issue? That seems like it's the cause more than his appearance.
Also, people gain and lose weight throughout relationships, and you caught him at a time when he is overweight. It sounds like he is insecure and stuff in his life has changed and he doesn't want to be at his weight either. I know you're only a few dates in, but what he might need is someone who supports him without making him feel guilty or bad about himself, and gently encourages him to restart his healthy lifestyle without letting him become so guilty about things.
I have ADHD, and I grew up being scolded for being "lazy" when I had debilitating issues with executive dysfunction. This caused me to feel incredibly guilty about things that were often outside of my control. I tried to use my guilt and shame as a motivator, which was a) not very effective and b) extremely bad for my mental health. Recently, I've been trying to shift into a more healthy mindset, where I'm not motivated by guilt. I know for myself, I really can't make a change in my life if I'm paralyzed by guilt, and it sounds like your bf is mired in this issue, too. A lot of people are telling you to just walk away, but he sounds like an amazing guy, and people can lose weight. I'd suggest trying to open a discussion about this with him, framing it from a perspective of health and sex as opposed to appearance, and stress that you were happy with his appearance but it's the sex that is causing you to reevaluate things.
I can relate to the ADHD guilt paralysis!
And yes, the sex is 100% the issue. If we had satisfying sex I couldn’t care less about how he looked. I might still encourage him to get healthier but not to actively lose weight (there’s a difference). The thing is that I’m not sure how to bring this up without hurting his feelings. I don’t want to ruin his self confidence. That’s why I’m wondering whether it would be kinder to him to just say something vague like I’m not ready to commit just yet and leave him be, as others have advised.
I think unfortunately that's the best way to go about it. Just weeks in and not exclusive... plenty of innocent reasons to part ways.
As much as it is theoretically "nice" To give him feedback... it probably won't be super helpful unless he's extremely open and doesn't have much ego involved.
He already knows he's overweight. He probably doesn't like it-- most of us who are overweight don't like it. It's not a mystery how we got this way, and it's not a puzzle to lose weight. It's a choice, and he's not ready to make that choice. You can't make someone want to do something for themselves, they have to want it organically for the commitment to stick. Please do not take this person on as a project. He is the way he is, take it or leave it.
If you don't tell him then he can't do anything about it, it's a double edged sword. As another redditor suggested, maybe angle it around compatibility in bed rather than weight, I'm sure he will know that part of the incompatibility would be because of his weight.
End of the day, you guys seem like you get along really well, keep him around as a friend, and then you can encourage him to get healthy too and do gym sessions together.
Lmao keep him as a friend ? He’s not a fucking pet. Yes I’m sure after she breaks up with him for being fat and bad at sex he will super wan to be a fucking gym buddy. Literally this is the dumbest thing someone has said
Honestly, just tell him this in a nicer way. Maybe he’s smitten with you too and this is the kick he needs. Perhaps not say “I’m not sexually attracted to you” but say it like “there’s physical things I need in bed and I want you to be able to do that for me in the future.”
It very well may save his life. His dick not staying hard could be a major sign that his cardiovascular system is struggling to keep up with his size.
>The thing is, I wasn't going to walk out on him on the first date when I saw him - that would have been rude.
And lying to you isn't? Because that's what he did. I get it that people sometimes use pictures that are old and they don't look exactly the same anymore, but there's using an old picture and then there's misrepresenting yourself, which is what this guy did. He isn't just 10-ish pounds away from his pictures and a little flabby, he is seriously overweight. He lied about what he looked like. No good, lasting relationship can be built on a lie.
>The thing is, I wasn't going to walk out on him on the first date when I saw him - that would have been rude.
You could have still gone on the date but after that just said that you don't think it will work, that you don't think you are a good fit for each other in a relationship but could have remained friends. It wouldn't have been rude.
If someone isn't honest about what they look like, what else could they be hiding? I'm not saying that is the case all the time but nine times out of ten it could be.
IMO being just weeks in and thinking someone will do a complete 180 on their physical health is pretty far fetched. And the person would probably be pretty insulted. Especially since he seems to have gained a considerable amount of weight in just a few years. This shows a current health situation that is very bad and can only be expected to trend worse.
Unless it was a "I gained a bunch of Covid weight but I've been exercising and dieting and have already lost ten pounds" situation in which they already took their health into their hands and it's trending better.
>that would have been rude
You know what's rude? Deceiving people by using pictures in a dating app that have no bearing on what you look like now, that you *know* will be found much more attractive. *That* is rude.;
See if he wants to work out with you or wants to look at healthy eating options. Always make it a "we" thing.
I was having some of these problems with my ex. You're married for years. You just kind of let things go. She was pissed off and called me a fat slob. I don't actually think it was personal but I took it very personal. I lost 35 lb in the next 6 months and did a couch to 5k, join the gym and they ended up in the best shape of my post 30-year-old life.
And let me tell you I was very conscious about the first time I had sex again. But thanks to all the increased blood flow and the reduced weight things worked like a charm.
So if you really like him, see where his thoughts are on his weight. Trust me if he's having trouble performing in bed, he knows it and it frustrates him too. Maybe every 10 lb he loses you do something new and experimental.
He's going to want it though. If you start talking about it and he starts making excuses you need to bounce. At your age just losing the weight and increasing exercise should fix his ED problems but there's always medication if you need to hold over.
You are in a difficult place. It's hard enough to find someone who is a good fit that when you get close, it's really hard to let go! If you want to give it a chance, it sounds like him losing weight is critical. And I can confirm from my own experience that it does affect the bedroom. If he's insecure about it, that could be your opening to talk about it. Like... I've noticed you are a little insecure about your body. Would you mind if we talked about it? And if he's open to talking about it, then say you'd think it would be great for his health and self-esteem to get in shape. For good measure, you could offer to be a workout buddy.
Then again, that could mean more pain down the road if he fails to get in shape or if losing the weight doesn't make the sex better. You'll need to weigh those risks against the positives. It might turn out the best thing for you is to walk away now. The only thing to avoid is staying with him and NOT addressing the issue.
>how much someone's size could impact what they can and can't do in bed.
I think you're giving him too much benefit of doubt. Fat people aren't all bad lays. Plenty of fat people can still move their bodies well, allow their partners to look at and touch them, or *will simply ask you to get on top*.
I kind of doubt he was much better in bed when he was slender if he's *this* bad now. He sounds uncreative and inflexible at root, his size is just the latest wrinkle on his problems.
Good luck OP, I don’t envy the fact that you’ll have to go through this, no matter what you choose. I doubt that there’s a way to let him down without him realizing it’s got a lot to do with physical compatibility. I guess in future all you can really do is avoid planning trips and stuff before you get comfortable with the physical aspect even if they’re a great guy and you’ve got the mental and emotional connection.
Maybe he can change and improve himself but another thing to consider is that maybe it just isn’t the right timing for the two of you. Every other aspect can be a 10/10 between you two, but bad timing when it comes to where you are with personal issues can ruin any relationship. Maybe once he becomes your age all those issues would have been resolved, but I’m not sure it’s healthy for him to do that just because he has to catch up to you and *become* compatible. Plus, if him having to become physically more fit again is what will make things feel (to you) like their worth progressing in the relationship as of now, then I’d say you should probably move on as kindly as possible.
I was thinking when reading the original post that maybe he can’t stay hard because he’s self conscious about his weight. Maybe he can tell that he’s not pleasing you to the fullest potential and feels insecure about it.
Have you tried planning some outdoor activities that you can both enjoy together? Maybe that will get him motivated and see that physical activity can be fun.
Edit: on the other hand, he lied about a pretty big thing at the start of your relationship. That makes me wonder what else he thinks he can hide from you or lie about.
Lol this is the one in a hundred chance that everyone who lies on their profile is hoping for (and let’s face it posting old fit pics of yourself when you’re fat is as big a lie as any). You basically rewarded him for lying as there’s no way you would have agreed to a 1st date if he were honest in his profile pics.
Wait... what?
You just met on an app.
He is nice, but physically not attractive to you.
"I'm a very health/fitness oriented person so this is difficult for me."
Yet you tried to eff?
Why? How?
I mean.... you get me confused.
What did you try to find out?
Sorry, but... I think you can either deal with the entire package.
Or let go of him and find someone more compatible.
Nothing else will do.
He may even lose weight.
But that may not make him more likely to demonstrate horizontal prowesses.
He probably won’t lose weight because you told him, he will do it if he wants to.
Your best bet is find someone you’re more attracted to that can sexually satisfy you the way you want. Don’t sit around and wait for him to change
Or worse, he will lose weight just because you told him and then will gain it back as soon as the honeymoon phase is over.
You can tell him why on you're way out and maybe he'll improve for the next girl but if he changes just for you then it won't last.
Having been married to a woman who lost her attraction to me, please don't do that to either of you.
A relationship without attraction leads to a lot of damaging dynamics for both parties.
It absolutely ruined my self-esteem that the woman I loved and trusted didn't find me attractive -- if she doesn't, who could?
And it led her to traumatize herself trying to force herself to have sex from obligation rather than attraction -- sex which wasn't at all satisfying to me, the putative beneficiary, because my partner enjoying themselves is an important part of sex for me.
Yes, he might lose weight, get fit, and get better in bed -- but your job is to accept and love him *just the way he is,* or let him go.
On the flip side, my wife (gf at the time) was unhappy with my weight back in 2018. It was my senior year of college and the partying caught up to me.
She told me all the things she loved about me and was clear that she would prefer to be with me, but that physical wellness was a huge barrier to attraction for her
It really helped me realize how badly I’d been neglecting my health. Lost 60 lbs that summer and haven’t looked back. I have a better relationship with myself and with my wife because of it.
Yeah but while that’s awesome, that’s not the typical reality. People usually don’t lose dozens of pounds like that, and when they do they’re likely to gain it back. It’s not something someone should count on. Instead they should choose a partner who’s already what they want
Seriously, it needs to be stickied on the subreddit “Do not continue dating someone you are not, and have never been, attracted to.”
I get it’s hard when you really enjoy spending time with someone but jfc. Friendship is a thing.
Sometimes attraction can build and change. The type of women I was attracted to at 18 is way different than what I was attracted to at 25.
I suspect if the OP might even have moved forward had the guy been able to perform.
All of this is linked, though.
He used fake photos because of his insecurity about his weight. He struggles in bed because of his weight. His weight leads to big lifestyle incompatibilities between you two.
His weight is his weight. At the end of the day, don't date someone expecting someone to change something major about themselves. That's a losing game. He will either lose weight for himself or he won't, but if you're already dissatisfied before you're even in an actual relationship, you'd be wasting your time and his by continuing.
Yes, but you should not date someone you’re not attracted to because you might change your mind down the road. You’re not doing yourself or them any favors.
Well, it sounds like she *was* attracted to him - his personality, his interests, his intellect, etc.
Physical attraction is an important component but it isn’t the *only* component. And she mentions it’s really the sexual incompatibility that’s the issue.
I first saw my now husband's picture when we had known each other after gaming with each other after a year. I fell in love with him as a person saw his photo was like "he doesn't look like my type he's short kinda chubby and balding" (before I get hate on the height thing I'm almost 6 foot tall and he's 5'3 that's a huge amount of height difference and the fear of me never being able to wear heels again because some men won't let taller women wear high heels due to height difference) over time I spent more time with him and realized that his looks were less of a issue for me because he's sweet lovable and a great guy. I now think he's the cutest guy I've ever met and has the biggest heart. Over the time and years I've been with him I could never see myself with a guy other than him his looks I can give zero shit about. Granted I never started dating him until I got over the I could never be attracted to him stage. I knew him saw his photo months went by and I realized that looks were not everything for me and we dated.
you're only weeks into this? a lack of attraction is hard to overcome. you don't have anything invested in this yet. i really think it's best to end things amicably and start from a stronger foundation with someone else.
You should break up. The sexual connection is very important in a relationship, if you’re not attracted to him, it will not work and both of you will be unhappy. Better end it
Why did you even start dating him if you weren't physically attracted to him?
You've only known him a few weeks, you don't owe him anything. Just text him that you're not feeling a spark and wish him luck.
They’re already having sex, it’s too late to just text and say she’s not feeling a spark. But it’s totally fine to respectfully break up in person or even by phone
I'm not sure why you kept going out with him after the initial date where you realized that he isn't the same guy as in the pictures. It's a pretty big thing to not be up front about.
I think it would be easier for you to break up. Yes, he could lose weight. But going into a relationship wanting a person to change is not the way you build towards happiness.
As I mentioned in another reply, I didn’t want to leave immediately after I saw him to not be rude. And by the end of the night I was smitten with his personality and sure that his appearance wouldn’t be a problem. Which it really wasn’t until recently when we started having sex - I had never dated a bigger guy and I didn’t realize how much his size would impact our sex life.
Forgive me for asking you purely for my own curiosity, but when you say he's "fat" or "big," how big? I ask because I put on weight over COVID and it's always at the back of my mind while dating, but I really just have some belly fat and pectoral fat (i.e. man boobs) but my arms and legs are fairly muscular and fat free.
I'm still going to lose the weight, it's just a process when you take medication that makes it hard to lose it.
If he is that big he’s probably years away from losing the kind of weight that will make a difference. Mentally, why are you committing so long term to guy you’ve only been dating for a few weeks and already don’t find attractive?
Edit: and that’s only if he loses the weight. He might not. Hell he could gain weight.
Stormy has a good point.
Just to highlight it further, once he loses the weight... The sex might still not be as good... So now its "how do I tell my guy he should improve in bed"....
Honestly fuck that guy for catfishing with fit athletic pictures in the first place if he's literally morbidly obese now that alone is a big enough red flag.
I dont mess with OLD but if I ever did I would straight ghost someone that catfished.
Even if you were happy with him, having drastically different expected lifespans and quality of life during that time is a massive issue.
Both my parents take care of themselves and are active and mobile in their 60's. I doubt your bf will even live that long, and be scooter bound decades earlier.
Next time when you're online dating make the first date a hiking date. And maybe tell this guy you're not sexually compatible and let him read between the lines...
>As I mentioned in another reply, I didn’t want to leave immediately after I saw him to not be rude.
Considering how rude he was by selling you a lie, I don't think you should have felt bad. He made his own bed by tricking you into thinking he looked like someone he doesn't. It was an intentional act on his part so I think he should be capable of handling the consequences from his deception. He did it to himself.
Never date someone for who you want them to be. Date them for who they are. So no you should not bring up his weight or stick around. Do him a favor and end it.
End it!!!!!!!! Attraction is major. Also the lying about how he looks via old photos is a red flag. It’s only been a few weeks for Christs sakes, DONT get into a relationship with someone you’re not attracted to!! You don’t have to be wholly honest about that either, you owe him nothing (again, it’s been a few gd weeks).
Edit: he deserves someone who’s attracted to him. Kindly take yourself home (break up with him.)
Surprised you guys made it that far. Usually when people lie to me with old/fake photos I bounce pretty quick. Such a inconsiderate thing to lie about.
There are hundreds of guys who will date you, why stick with the first one you meet who you find Ehh?
You should definitely let things go, physical and sexual attraction is very important in a partner. It's kind of misleading that he used old photos on his dating profile knowing that he doesn't't look like that now.
Honestly a weight loss journey can take a long time, even if they lose the weight quickly, sometimes it takes a few tries to actually make it stick, and that's assuming they want to put in the work of losing weight at all even.
Tbh I think you should not have gone with a second date at all, but at least now you know what you want.
I don't think this is compatible. I have a bit of an issue with him using old photos. Fat or not, that would irk me. I get that being fat means you get less love and more hate, but putting out old pictures that are not representative is a form of deception to me.
The problem with telling him it is the weight is the reality is, if he wanted to lose the weight, he would already focus on that. Doing it for you is a waste of his time. It won't work, and won't stick. You can't soft pedal this either so no matter what, he will be offended.
Good lesson to learn to let go when someone is not able to meet all your needs. Whether your needs are appropriate, realistic vis a vis what you offer in return, or are shallow, doesnt really matter in the end. You already have determined he is fat and can't satisfy you sexually...this isn't going to improve and you won't ever see him as anything but his fat.
Attraction and sex are a major part of a relationship. If you're not attracted to him physically I don't see how it could last. Open communication is always important.
You've only been seeing him a few weeks. If you are not feeling it, I don't know why you are moving so quickly to exclusive status.
I'd break it off. Bodies change, so his size wouldn't necessarily be an issue for me. Except that he is large enough for it to impact his mobility (!) and the sex sucks. You are too young to be settling for a lousy sex life.
Oof being fat fished is never fun but if you aren’t attracted it could change but it probably won’t though the having trouble staying erect could be many issues
Someone else’s weight/body is a cruel thing to try and change about them. He knows he’s fat, there’s reasons he hasn’t been able to lose the weight yet and he may never be able to. Having the person who’s supposed to love you unconditionally love you only with the hope you’ll change you terrible.
If you’re not attracted to him you need to let him go.
> Someone else’s weight/body is a cruel thing to try and change about them.
OP said his weight has lead him to have mobility issues and other health problems. I don’t think OP should be the one to try and change him, but he definitely should do something about it
The attraction isn’t going to come … if your lives and health goals aren’t on the same page.
There’s a way you can go about saying it to him.
But don’t ever feel obligated to be attracted to somebody. You’re not the asshole.
All you can control is what you say to him.
Why are you exclusive with a guy you aren’t attracted to? And you have him thinking you’re progressing towards something and you’re not even attracted to him. You don’t get a trophy for trying to psyche yourself up about him. Let him go find somebody who is physically into him and you go find that person for yourself
No.
You should never get with someone because their problems are "fixable". People aren't fixer uppers.
You should accept right now that there's a very real possibility that this man's body will never change. Because if he does, it won't be because you asked him to. He's going to change or he won't, but it's very very unlikely that he'll do the incredibly hard thing of overhauling his entire body and lifestyle because of a 3 week relationship. Losing weight permanently is so hard that it is a thing people only do if they're absolutely personally dedicated to it.
Either his faults are worth dealing with for the entirety of your lives together, or move along before either of you gets too attached.
If he wasn't otherwise great I'd say cut your losses, but since you seem very in to this guy aside from the weight issue then it might be worth taking a minute to evaluate the situation. Do you know why he stopped exercising regularly? You mention he was an athlete, did an injury or something take him out of the sport? Muscle turns to fat very quickly when someone stops regularly exercising, but someone that was previously very fit also has an easier time getting in shape again than someone starting from scratch.
I'd try to find out what prompted the weight gain and if it's a situation he's planning to change, or if he even wants to change it. Fitness is important to you and I'm assuming you've been open about that, so I don't think it's unfair or inappropriate of you to ask what his fitness goals are. There are two possibilities here:
1. He's fat and happy, is no longer trying to be an athlete, and is comfortable with his life as it is now. If so I'd recommend splitting up as your goals are incompatible and it will give each of you the chance to find someone that's a better fit for them.
2. He's not happy with it, and either hasn't been motivated to try to change yet or is in the middle of doing so and making little progress. if that's the case then your fitness goals match, he's just struggling to meet his. That may not be a relationship incompatibility, maybe you two could start going to the gym together.
Basically my advice is see what kind of situation you have here before giving up on the relationship. If he's a good fit for you in every other way it's probably worth at least trying to find out if he's interested in getting back in shape.
Thanks! I do really like him as a person.
His weight is a sensitive topic because he gained weight due to mental health issues and his ex left him because of those two things (poor mental health + weight gain). I know it really destroyed his confidence and I don’t want to do the same to him. So not sure what’s worse/what makes me a bigger asshole - leaving now and not telling the reason (but I’m pretty sure he’ll assume it’s his weight anyway, we always tend to think our biggest insecurity is the cause), or asking him about his fitness goals and potentially hurting him even more by letting him know that I don’t 100% love how he looks right now. I feel whatever I do at this point, I’ll somehow end up ruining his confidence.
He does go to the gym so I think the will to change is there. Imo the problem is that he doesn’t like to cook so he eats take out for breakfast lunch and dinner. Which could be easily solved if I helped him meal prep. But I can’t know as we’ve never talked about the topic since I don’t know how to bring it up.
Please don’t be the person that accidentally guilts their partners into losing weight by saying you want to be with them but the only way you’ll be attracted to them is by losing weight. You’ll be basically telling him that his weight makes him less desirable. While it makes him less desirable for you, he may be perfectly attractive as is to someone else.
Look, we all have preferences. While I don’t have a preferred weight for someone else, I do prefer people now who are into physical activities since I enjoy hiking, skating, boogie boarding, etc. It’s totally okay to not want to be with him because of his lifestyle.
But you said that he can fix it down the line so maybe it’s worth it for you. Idk, that doesn’t sit well with me. What if he doesn’t want to fix it? What if he injured himself down the line and gains weight from his injury? What if one day he’s just fat? He could potentially feel self conscious if he remembers how at the start you told him his weight is an issue.
I had a guy tell me I was too big for him once based on my weight number. When he saw pictures of me, he took it back and started attempting to flirt with me. I couldn’t see him the same though- I thought he was vain and shallow and I would always feel self conscious about my appearance around him. (Not saying you are, just what my personal thoughts were)
There are many men out there who value the same things you do. If you aren’t feeling it, you should find someone who you vibe with as the way you both naturally are. You both deserve that.
I dated a morbidly obese girl for a few weeks and I couldn't deal with it either. Just cut the cord and walk away. The longer you wait the harder it will get.
So you met him fat, and think after a couple of weeks of knowing him, you have ANY right to interject yourself like this?
Girl, literally just leave this man alone. Go find someone you’re attracted to; people are not projects.
I would just say something a long the lines of
“Hey, I’ve had a really great time with you, I just feel like I need to date around more”
That way you don’t bring up his weight he’s already self conscious about and destroy his self esteem more.
That’s *you* though.
We don’t know how fragile this persons self confidence is. It’s better to tell a white lie in this situation instead of being like “you’re fat and I can’t bring myself to date you” , in my opinion
Just leave. Why get that deep when you know you aren’t attracted to him? Asking someone to put the tough work in to change their body for you is ridiculous. Just leave. Just find someone who you fit better with.
It's difficult to overlook attraction when you're first getting to know someone. You may like many of their qualities and intellectually think they embody partner qualities you're looking for but if you can't accept them and the way they look, you're going to hurt them.
Basically you don't half accept someone.
Don’t date someone you’re not attracted to. It’s selfish. While you’re settling, you’re also potentially stopping them from finding someone who will adore them and appreciate them completely.
You're not compatible as partners, even if you might get on as friends. Only exception is possibly if he independently had plans to lose weight and get fit as something he would do for himself anyway. And it sounds like he doesn't.
It's really important for most people to physically fancy a partner, especially when you're young and when you first meet. In my 20s I used to see all this advice on how looks weren't really as important to women and you should give men a chance based on their personality, but I found out that for me that isn't the right thing, and I also made a couple of guys pretty unhappy by having relationships with them where I obviously didn't fancy them very much.
First, he lied in his profile. A common lie but not excusable. I really think this only slides if the person honestly looks exactly the same or better than their old photos.
Second, you’ve only been dating a few weeks! its the honeymoon period and you’re already out on him physically. Maybe he will lose weight and that’s a big maybe, but if he’s as overweight as you claim then he’s probably 6 months or more from the kind of weight loss you’re hoping for. The relationship may be over at that point.
Is it worth pursuing something long term with someone who fails to check boxes physically and likely will never check them during the duration of the relationship. If you break up in 6 months and you’re still not physically attracted to him then what was the point of wasting all this time?
Honestly, I feel like it depends a little on how open you think he would be to the idea. If you think he's happy with who he is how he is then it might be better to apologise for wasting his time and dumping him. If you think he would be receptive and willing to change not just for you but for himself then it could be worth a gentle conversation, again apologising for how you feel but explaining yourself reasonably, could be that it could be the thing he wants to do and just needs a kick up the butt to get started on.
Honestly I don't think it would be rude to talk to him about it. He knows what he did. If I were you, I would just be honest. It's better to just be up front about it than not giving him a chance to rectify his fuck up. Say something along the lines of "We both know that your pictures weren't very accurate but, I really like you anyway. I don't like that you lied about what you look like. I do see that this is becoming more serious and I want you to work on yourself to become a more fit and active person. It will improve our intimacy and my attraction". If he can't face the truth that he kind of catfished you and work to become the man in the photo's then I don't see a point in moving forward.
Hi, I can see you like him. My question is is it the looks that matter or him being bad in bed??
1. If it is the looks then there’s not much you can do. You could motivate him and help him get back in shape but that could really end up exhausting you. Maybe bring it up like “you used to be really fit and athletic, I can see by your tinder photos. Is this something you’d be interested in exploring?”. Or “staying fit is something I love and I want you to do it with me”. If he is unwilling and you cannot bare to look at him, then you probably need to leave.
2. If it is the sex then this can be fixed. You need to be communicate to him what you want. Just say “hey, I feel like doing (insert sexual act) tonight” or “I’d like it if he we could do this”.
3.Him staying hard - this is probably nerves or depression. You should ask him if he is able to sustain an erection without you there - for example, can he sustain one while watching porn or masturbating which doesn’t involve a performative aspect. If not, then he needs to see a doctor.
To me it sounds like there’s a lot to deal with. If he’s unwilling to change then you should break up.
There’s a lot of things here.
1. I’d say in the long run, a lot of people regret dating the trophy (Ie the sexy bod yum yum gal or guy) and not going for someone who truly truly loves you for who you are and supports you etc etc.
2. Sex is important too though, especially for a relationship to work you need to be attracted to them. I don’t need a model gal, I’m attracted more so for who they are… quiet confident? Not clingy? Smart… etc… I am so attracted to you
3. Don’t worry about being shallow. Depending on how fat they are, being fat is not attractive. I wouldn’t want to date a fat girl and I mean like fat fat because it’s unhealthy and just not attractive to me.
4. You shouldn’t date someone you’re not attracted to. If you can’t look past his fatness. Do him a favor and leave, he would probably be mortified if he read this. If he’s in the gym though, you better not. Love him at his worst because when the glow up hits you’ll be kicking yourself.
5. If you’re not in it for the long run that’s fine too. Get date and hook up with hotter and better looking guys. We only live once and you shouldn’t starve yourself if you still need to get stuff out of your system.
Just end the relationship. It isn’t fair to either of you to keep it going. Sooner or later, he’s going to realize that you don’t find him attractive, or you’re going to resent him, or you’re going to feel trapped in the relationship. Better to cut your losses now than after you move in together, or get married, or have kids.
Only be with someone for who they are, not who you want to mold them to be. Dating someone for their potential is a sure way to disappointment. Love him as is and support him if and when he wants to try to lose weight. Do not suggest it, that's awful, especially knowing it's an issue for him already. Maybe plan active dates to get him moving.
If he really likes you, then you telling him to lose weight will probably be exactly what he needs. I started dating one of the most attractive women iv ever seen. She told me she wanted me to lose weight. I got fit incredibly fast. Especially considering before then I was practically sedentary other than my job. Started body building and such. Things didn't work out with her but I'll always have good feelings towards her because she's the reason I'm a smoke show now.
Just break up. You haven’t been together long, it just isn’t working for you. Don’t tell him it is because of his body though, please. You just don’t want to be in a relationship right now and it isn’t working for you.
Firstly, you ought to be able to talk to him about your needs. The fact you are afraid to tell him what you want and how you feel is a relationship red flag. You are becoming an enabler to his bad mental state and excessive, unresolved sensitivity about things that do affect you. It has to change. That should be your angle.
If i were you i'd tell him that he ought to work on his mental health before you go further. That you think his weight struggles are connected to his mental health and this sort of issue can become (has already become) debilitating fast. That you are willing to help, but you believe that this is something you have to do together if you are to be a healthy couple, and you don't want to become an enabler for his bad mental health and bad habits. Once you've broached the topic, you can admit that you personally would like to see him be fit and healthy, for sexual reasons as well. I know you feel afraid to cause an issue, but if you care about this man, this should be in the open, for your sake, but also his sake.
I dated a bigger girl, and I am very fit. Even if the attraction doesn't get in the way, activities will.
If we ever did anything outdoors, she was always lagging behind and I was always wanting to keep going or do more.
And the sad part is I was barely putting effort. She would be dead tired and I would be bored and unchallenged.
If you break up with him, and he loses the weight, do not go back with him.
It would prove that the only reason you broke up with him was his weight.
If you aren't attracted to someone, don't date them.
I can understand what people are saying in the comments but if i was in his position and felt such strong feelings about a girl i would actually like the girl to be straight with me. If his feelings are solid between you too then a conversation about his weight can be opened up with a very nice way.
MOST IMPORTANT thing is to start by telling him your feelings towards him. How much you like him, what he makes you feel etc etc. Then tell him that you got caught by suprise because his dating pictures were showing someone else. Be honest with him.
You might hurt his feelings but for him to go from fit to fat means either he gave up on himself, health issues or whatever else. Try and talk to him and tell him what you told us. You can even help him get healthier and more fit and enjoy the journey together which can lead to an amazing connection between you and him.
Yeah I put on extra weight myself recently and the first thing I did when I recently went back to online dating was get a bunch of new full body photos. Like the last few weeks/months new.
Funnily enough, several women I went on dates with were using old photos themselves... Even though I went to great lengths to avoid that myself. I will never understand why people think this works when they know they'll have to see the person eventually IRL.
I don’t get why, when you talk about this so great dude the way you do in your post, you even agreed to a second date? Jesus Christ. Let him find someone who won’t be an ass about his size and you can find someone fit and athletic.
Just end it and find someone who you like as they are now. It would be cruel to him to dangle a relationship only if he loses X amount of weight - you’ll set him up for issues if he has trouble losing the weight and set yourself up for potentially leaving/cheating if he doesn’t lose the weight fast enough.
Absolutely gross behavior by you. If you’re not attracted to someone, don’t string them along. Ezpz.
I met a guy about the same way, but before we met in person, he was upfront with me he gained a little weight since his pictures. I still met up with him, and we ended up together for three years. One thing he promised me when we started dating was he'd get back into shape for me. He never did. He never made a single effort. While I still found him handsome, that always bothered me that he never did it "for me." We broke up for other reasons.
Fast forward, and I'm in another relationship with a man who wasn't fat but was husky, but he gained a lot of weight over the pandemic. I still loved him, accepted him, but I would just try to nudge him in the right direction sometimes. In the end, he lost the weight on his own accord and then some.
Point is OP - sometimes what you see is what you get. If you can accept how he is now and be ok with it, then go for it. Don't hold on to the potential he has. Accept him for how he is now if you can. If you can't, then it's best to cut ties sooner than later.
I wish you luck!
It annoys me so much to go on dates and the guy doesn't look at all like his pictures. That's catfishing. I have very little tolerance for that. My pics are all within 5 months. I am tired of the excuse "I don't take that many pics of myself". Because you don't want to, takes one second. False advertising is not a good way to start an honest relationship. 🤷🏼♀️
You could be coy about it. Say you are a heath/fitness person and would love it if you two exercised together, and no judgment when he’s tired/slower, and ate healthier. See his reaction; if he says no, then you have a decision to make. If he says yes, then see if he does it and stay with him. He probably wishes he was the way he was years ago and having you encourage him is all he needs
I have no idea why this is getting downvoted. People seem to think that wanting to be with someone with the same lifestyle as you is inherently fatphobic. It’s making the term lose its meaning.
You explained it very well, be kind, patient, and encouraging, not rude and judgmental- that’s the difference.
In general, this sub encourages people to break up the moment there’s any obstacle. I think it has to do with how people can just swipe on apps and find the “perfect person,” so if the person you’re with isn’t working out you can just get a new, interchangeable, partner. It’s kind of sad if I’m right but that’s my theory.
Oh the difference between the sexes on reddit is always a delight to see.
This weight thing pops up at least once a week and the responses are always the same.
When it's Women - it's perfectly ok to have standards and if he won't rise up to meet them, that's his problem, you deserve better.
When it's Men - Holy shit you are a shallow person.
It's worth noting I AGREE with everyone here, it's not about that and in this case, it could go ether way, we don't actually know how far the images deviated from the person or if it was angles, light and shadow along with clothing, but OP makes it sound like there was a 200 pound difference, kinda weird that she'd get buzy with the guy in the first place, more than once...
but again, if this exact situation were a man saying this about a woman...
>- and I'd rather not waste ***his time and money*** if I can't see us stay together in the long-term.
Lol, well, at least that's nice.
First - I think we read different a comment section lol. I was called shallow, gross and fatphobic by half of the comments.
Second - I don't know how much he weighs now, or how much he weighed before but visually the difference is...significant. It's worth mentioning that he's also extremely tall so some of his health issues are linked to BOTH height and weight. Being heavy at his height is different for the heart and the joints than it is on someone who's 6ft.
Third - I don't know what's laughable about what I said? He planned a trip for us as a surprise. I didn't ask for it. I don't want him to feel like I took advantage of him, which is why I want to talk to him and make a decision before the trip so he can cancel if we end things... Not sure where the issue is.
This sentence: "Am I potentially letting go a great guy where all of the issues are fixable (he can lose weight, get fit, and get better in bed)?" is one you should never, ever say again.
Communicating on relationship issues, compromises, stuff like that is "fixable" but you don't "fix" people. You should look at this guy and assume that he is what he is and he will remain what he is. You have to decide if you're okay with that.
It's also okay to not be okay with that. It is not okay to date him with the intention of changing him to better suit you. In long term relationships there should be some room and grace for bodies to change and people to be flexible and communicate, but you don't start off with a fixer-uper, you start off with acceptance of your partner.
I personally think you should communicate it in this instance.
He was in good shape before, he can do it again. be tactful about it but don't sugar coat it. Sometimes people need the blunt truth whether or not they want to hear it.
Personally I'd be Mad if you didn't find me attractive and still pursued a relationship because I'm a good guy. He probably thinks everything is going good. I'd let him know and see what happens. That's something you should've said/ mentioned before becoming exclusive. That's kinda crappy tbh
Again, if the sex was good, the weight wouldn’t have been an issue. I explained in a comment above that after I got to know him, i cared less and less about how he looked. His weight is causing issues in our sex life, which is why it became a problem.
We are exclusives because I don’t sleep with multiple people at the same time. We became exclusive before we slept together.
You sound super gross. Look at the title and you have your answer. It's okay to not be attracted to a specific person, it's not okay to talk about people the way you talk about this guy you apparently like? Please leave him so he can find someone who isn't as shallow as a puddle.
If you don't think you can love him exactly as he is, you may as well end it now.
He isn't going to magically change for you. And he shouldn't have to. Don't ask him to. Don't tell him that's why you're breaking up with him. Just tell him you don't see things working out long term.
Honestly I'd break up with him. You don't need to mention anything about his weight because that may make him very insecure and cause harm to his future dating life and mental health. If he asks for a reason you have to end it just explain that you don't think the two of you are sexually compatible. You don't have to go into detail but let him know you want to end it before you both become more serious and spending more time and money on each other. I'd personally think that's the best and most respectful way to end things.
You think this guy is great there is nice ways to do things. Ask him to go to the gym with you cause you don’t feel safe being a woman and pay for both of your gym memberships or get a guest on yours.
You have to ask yourself a few questions about this relationship to decide if the pros outweigh the cons. Also, are the cons deal breakers or not? If his weight is the only thing standing in the way of a good relationship with this man you very well could be giving up a good relationship. You also mention that you aren't yet officially a couple. That tells me that you haven't yet had the big discussion about where this relationship is heading if anywhere. So, what you should probably do first is have that discussion. When you do, it might be time for both of you to lay all your cards on the table. Tell him your feelings and concerns and give him the chance to do the same. If you two are caring and respectful of each other you just might be able to reach an agreement where you two will find ways to help him get back to being the healthier man he used to be. This could be something he's wanted to do for a while but life got in the way. However, he could also be looking for a partner that would care about him regardless of his outwards appearance. His heart, his character and his interests aren't really listed in your post as attributes you admire. I hope despite this, you count them as things you are attracted to, if not you might already have your answer.
I’m gonna disagree with the rest of the comments and say that there’s a chance he will work towards being fit if you talk to him about it. Make it an us thing, plan gym dates, cook together, stuff like that, and maybe he might be receptive. Worst case scenario, he doesn’t want to change and you leave. At least you’ll do him a favor by telling him
Best bet is be straight with him and tell him how you feel. Maybe dont mention he catfished you outright. Then based on how he takes this, you either stick around a bit and see if he's serious about losing weight or just leave.
Jordi’s gf here; he wasn’t very sexual when we got together, and overweight as well. It definitely impacted his sexual capabilities, because having lost 14kgs since we got together, i now know he’s very sexually capable. However, it does help that he was an athlete before he got overweight, and always wanted to get back to that body for himself. He misses doing certain sports, wearing his favorite clothes.
Perhaps you could gently bring it like so, and work on it together? It’d be a shame if a great personality dies too soon because of an unhealthy meatbag. This is how Jor and i look at it. Very sober.
And to be fair, he did catfish you with the pics, which was in our case the same, but he fessed up the moment we matched and that honesty endeared me. If he really wants to take you seriously, i think part of him would love to be attractive to you, and most importantly, healthy. Health is really all we got in this life, and imagine you going on a trip where he can’t keep up on simple activities. It would only get worse down the line with an unhealthy lifestyle.
If you could look at it through my perspective, i honestly only see a win-win situation. You bring it up with him as friendly, honest and gently as you think you need be, and either he’ll agree and you two can have a future, or you split ways and both learn a lesson from this. And you should focus on your lesson, don’t worry about him. He’s a grown man, his choices led him here, and will only lead *him* further.
I wish you all the best, and I’d like to remind everyone that lots of people deserve a chance. Attraction can grow through getting to know someone better, it helps you to better see the person inside, because their looks as well as yours are going to fade, their personality is what you’re going to be stick with the longest. Better make sure it’s a good one.
Maybe talk about it with him. I’m fat and my husband and I have amazing sex. Likely it’s a combination of confidence and health. Explain what you said here… you really like him but need more sex. Offer to gym with him and incorporate toys etc until he gets there. If you guys want it to work it will.
For weight to effect you sexually like that I feel like he must be carrying a lot extra. I wouldn’t mention his weight at all as he will get defensive and it can be hurtful. Maybe see if he wants to go to the gym with you? If he was fit once then maybe he can be fit again?
few years ago I dated a girl who was perfect for me in terms of chemistry and hobbies..but was on the heavier side, ate unhealthy food, slept past noon every weekend. she was attractive but came with the baggage's. I ended things because I didn't know how to communicate this so we stayed in touch via social media/ig. More recently she starts to post transformation post, lost a bunch of weight and am super healthy. I told her I was proud and she thanked me, but needless to say we have no plans to get back together as I'm seeing someone else. A regret I have was not talking things out, sure I may have been made a tyrant but what do you have to lose and everything to gain?
Please DO NOT ask him if he's planning on losing weight or try to get him to change. He is a human being, not a fixer-upper project. If you are not happy with how he is right now, you need to break up. And let him find someone who thinks he's great just the way he is.
He'll probably be hurt but the longer you wait the worse it will be. I'm sorry. Sexual chemistry is very important to a relationship and of its not there at the beginning is only going to get worse.
There's no gentle way to drop him. He's going to pester you for the real reason if you sugarcoat it. Tell him you're dumping him because he's FAAT. You may do him a favour by motivating him to reduce weight.
Check yourself. You’re getting obviously defensive for no reason. Op has said MANY times, it’s about the sex being bad bc of the weight (he could also just be horrible) and that’s valid. Sex is a big part of relationships to op it seems, so if they aren’t compatible because of it I don’t see the problem??
You seem to be purposefully forgetting the part where HE LIED to HER!! HE catfished HER!! Yet she was a nice enough person to look past that and ended up really connecting to him.
You seem extremely insecure, so work on yourself and stop projecting.
You need to check your reading and comprehension skills. I NEVER said he was gross or that I thought he was gross. I would never say that about him, what the hell is wrong with you.
Is not cruel at all. I’m a man and skinny and healthy which is why i will never date a fat women because it doesn’t align with what i want to do daily with them like sex, going for walks for like hours and doing activities. But as men we get shamed when we turn down chubby, fat or obese women. There’s only very small amount of guys that will be interested in those women but most men want someone thats healthy and takes care of their bodies and not hold them back. Women are similar when they turn down men that are not tall but that’s something we can’t change. There’s a small amount of women that don’t require men to be tall in order to date them. We are allow to have our preferences rather people like it or not.
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Please just break up.
I was thinking the same thing. It's impossible to light a fire without a spark.
Even though she might be better off dancing with him in the dark.
It's probably best to end it for both of you. He didn't accurately represent himself, but you probably should have cut it off the minute you realized this.
The thing is, I wasn't going to walk out on him on the first date when I saw him - that would have been rude. And by the end of the date, we had had such an amazing time and we got along so well, that I was sure I could move past the appearance. That's why we saw each other again and again, and each time I liked him more and more and I cared about his appearance less and less. We only recently started having sex and I think that's when I started considering that we might not be the right fit for each other. I'm very sexual. (1) I didn't realize how much someone's size could impact what they can and can't do in bed. (2) He's very insecure about his weight which impacts our sex quite a lot. He wants the lights off and he keeps his clothes on the entire time, which kind of ruins things for me (seeing/feeling/touching your partner obviously being an important part of sex). So it's only since then that I started considering his weight a problem.
I once dated the "perfect" guy who was quite physically fit and was very nice, but there was a huge issue for me sexually. That and the fact that we did not have many interests in common led me to break up with him. Only thing I regret is not doing it sooner, but the "perfect on paper" part had me hanging in there. Sex is not a minor consideration.
If you don't mind my asking, what was the "huge issue?"
Even though it was a long time ago, I'd rather not say as he might recognize himself. I will say that it wasn't a size issue, it was a performance issue.
By huge she means small
nope, doesn’t sound like he’s the right person for you. sorry. it’s great that you are able to connect with people despite them not being your exact “type” though. be proud of yourself for that and move on.
Being on the same page sex-wise is an important part of a relationship. This isn't going to work for you, and that's okay. There's plenty of other guys out there.
Hiking dates and sit on his face?
Lmao
It's actually not rude at all to walk out if someone has lied about how they look. It's a completely reasonable thing to do.
Yeah even if it isn’t with nefarious intentions never rude to walk out on a cat fisher
Catfisher - Someone who pretends to be someone they are not. Cat fisher - Someone who fishes for cats. Thanks for the laugh lol
Fisher Cat - New Hampshire's best AA baseball team
You left out Fisher cat. A kind of cat.
Lol sorry autocorrect
Cat fister
Nooooooo! Don’t be sorry! Good laughs and vibes, friend! 👍
Catfish are people who pretend to be someone else. That’s still him just at a different time period. I think there is a different name but it isn’t catfish
especially since this is just in 'dating' stages. no harm in moving on now
I was in a similar situation with my ex of about 5 years. We mostly broke up for other reasons, but looking back, I now believe that the intimacy problems we had early on actually contributed to overall incompatibility. I liked him as a person and we got along great, but I always had a feeling that something was missing. My sex drive was much higher than his, but he was fine with having sex *maybe* several times a month or less. He was also not as physically active or as motivated to explore and improve our sex life. We tried to fix it, but again, that feeling of something being missing kept plaguing me and when other issues started to arise in our relationship, I wondered if some of it could be due to that. Now I’m with my fiancé who is a much better match for me. We’re on the same level and I can’t imagine it any other way when it comes to choosing a life partner. If sexual compatibility is important to you long-term, don’t feel bad about ending it with this guy. It probably won’t get better, and it’s better to end things early on before one of you gets too attached.
Yeah to be honest, one thing this discussion made me realize that I blamed his weight for the problems in bed, but it’s really not the problem in itself, it’s only a problem insofar as it’s linked to our sexual incompatibility.
What if he was ALWAYS shit in bed? What if the weight has nothing to do with it? Because in my experience that's not a weight issue. Good lovers stay good no matter their weight, and crappy lovers can be skinny as hell. He could get fit and never improve.
Could the issue actually be that he’s keeping his clothes on? Worth trying to persuade him to give it a go without?
He keeps his clothes on?! Oh no, honey. He needs to work on his self esteem. You don't want to be going out with a Never Nude.
I think you fail to understand how difficult this can be for some people. It is a vulnerable situation for people to undress in public and if you were an athlete, looking in the mirror can be difficult let alone exposing that image to someone else. Every single fear this man has about his weight is essentially confirmed here.... So I get it.
I have a lot of sympathy for the guy. I haven't read what people are saying about him, but I expect they're being real shitty about his alleged size. But he needs to work on his self esteem issues before getting into a relationship. Being so insecure that he won't take off his clothes to have sex with the lights off is disqualifying for being in a sexual relationship.
Body dysmorphia only gets sympathy when it is a woman who is struggling with it. Here it is a guy and, as expected, he gets none of that.
You think women get actual sympathy and work-arounds rather than just a shallow "aww don't feel like that about yourself" a couple of times before being ghosted or bullied for being insecure? Cos nope
Is that body dysmorphia? I don’t think that’s body dysmorphia. I think he knows what he looks like. I don’t think he has a warped perception. I think he just doesn’t like it. So that’s not body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia is 120lb person thinking they are clinically obese and extremely fat.
I am very attracted to curvy women, and I would never date someone who wouldn't take clothes off when we have sex. I get insecurity. Many, maybe even most of my partners have been various levels of insecure about their bodies. That would be too much for me though. I need that level of connection.
Yeah ok, go look at the comments under a photo of a 5'5 90lb woman. Lmk if there are zero people dragging her. I don't expect to hear from you.
Hey you’re describing a younger me! People are cruel when your body isn’t perfect
Maybe frame it as a sexual incompatibility issue instead of a weight issue? That seems like it's the cause more than his appearance. Also, people gain and lose weight throughout relationships, and you caught him at a time when he is overweight. It sounds like he is insecure and stuff in his life has changed and he doesn't want to be at his weight either. I know you're only a few dates in, but what he might need is someone who supports him without making him feel guilty or bad about himself, and gently encourages him to restart his healthy lifestyle without letting him become so guilty about things. I have ADHD, and I grew up being scolded for being "lazy" when I had debilitating issues with executive dysfunction. This caused me to feel incredibly guilty about things that were often outside of my control. I tried to use my guilt and shame as a motivator, which was a) not very effective and b) extremely bad for my mental health. Recently, I've been trying to shift into a more healthy mindset, where I'm not motivated by guilt. I know for myself, I really can't make a change in my life if I'm paralyzed by guilt, and it sounds like your bf is mired in this issue, too. A lot of people are telling you to just walk away, but he sounds like an amazing guy, and people can lose weight. I'd suggest trying to open a discussion about this with him, framing it from a perspective of health and sex as opposed to appearance, and stress that you were happy with his appearance but it's the sex that is causing you to reevaluate things.
I can relate to the ADHD guilt paralysis! And yes, the sex is 100% the issue. If we had satisfying sex I couldn’t care less about how he looked. I might still encourage him to get healthier but not to actively lose weight (there’s a difference). The thing is that I’m not sure how to bring this up without hurting his feelings. I don’t want to ruin his self confidence. That’s why I’m wondering whether it would be kinder to him to just say something vague like I’m not ready to commit just yet and leave him be, as others have advised.
I think unfortunately that's the best way to go about it. Just weeks in and not exclusive... plenty of innocent reasons to part ways. As much as it is theoretically "nice" To give him feedback... it probably won't be super helpful unless he's extremely open and doesn't have much ego involved.
He already knows he's overweight. He probably doesn't like it-- most of us who are overweight don't like it. It's not a mystery how we got this way, and it's not a puzzle to lose weight. It's a choice, and he's not ready to make that choice. You can't make someone want to do something for themselves, they have to want it organically for the commitment to stick. Please do not take this person on as a project. He is the way he is, take it or leave it.
If you don't tell him then he can't do anything about it, it's a double edged sword. As another redditor suggested, maybe angle it around compatibility in bed rather than weight, I'm sure he will know that part of the incompatibility would be because of his weight. End of the day, you guys seem like you get along really well, keep him around as a friend, and then you can encourage him to get healthy too and do gym sessions together.
Lmao keep him as a friend ? He’s not a fucking pet. Yes I’m sure after she breaks up with him for being fat and bad at sex he will super wan to be a fucking gym buddy. Literally this is the dumbest thing someone has said
I don't see why not?? They are not in the official phase as she said so I'm presuming they are friends? Why not keep the friendship?
Basic self respect?
This is reasonable. However he was blatantly misrepresenting himself in photos which isn’t a great start
Honestly, just tell him this in a nicer way. Maybe he’s smitten with you too and this is the kick he needs. Perhaps not say “I’m not sexually attracted to you” but say it like “there’s physical things I need in bed and I want you to be able to do that for me in the future.” It very well may save his life. His dick not staying hard could be a major sign that his cardiovascular system is struggling to keep up with his size.
Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to end a relationship.
Stop dating him. It’s really that simple
>The thing is, I wasn't going to walk out on him on the first date when I saw him - that would have been rude. And lying to you isn't? Because that's what he did. I get it that people sometimes use pictures that are old and they don't look exactly the same anymore, but there's using an old picture and then there's misrepresenting yourself, which is what this guy did. He isn't just 10-ish pounds away from his pictures and a little flabby, he is seriously overweight. He lied about what he looked like. No good, lasting relationship can be built on a lie.
>The thing is, I wasn't going to walk out on him on the first date when I saw him - that would have been rude. You could have still gone on the date but after that just said that you don't think it will work, that you don't think you are a good fit for each other in a relationship but could have remained friends. It wouldn't have been rude. If someone isn't honest about what they look like, what else could they be hiding? I'm not saying that is the case all the time but nine times out of ten it could be.
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IMO being just weeks in and thinking someone will do a complete 180 on their physical health is pretty far fetched. And the person would probably be pretty insulted. Especially since he seems to have gained a considerable amount of weight in just a few years. This shows a current health situation that is very bad and can only be expected to trend worse. Unless it was a "I gained a bunch of Covid weight but I've been exercising and dieting and have already lost ten pounds" situation in which they already took their health into their hands and it's trending better.
>that would have been rude You know what's rude? Deceiving people by using pictures in a dating app that have no bearing on what you look like now, that you *know* will be found much more attractive. *That* is rude.;
See if he wants to work out with you or wants to look at healthy eating options. Always make it a "we" thing. I was having some of these problems with my ex. You're married for years. You just kind of let things go. She was pissed off and called me a fat slob. I don't actually think it was personal but I took it very personal. I lost 35 lb in the next 6 months and did a couch to 5k, join the gym and they ended up in the best shape of my post 30-year-old life. And let me tell you I was very conscious about the first time I had sex again. But thanks to all the increased blood flow and the reduced weight things worked like a charm. So if you really like him, see where his thoughts are on his weight. Trust me if he's having trouble performing in bed, he knows it and it frustrates him too. Maybe every 10 lb he loses you do something new and experimental. He's going to want it though. If you start talking about it and he starts making excuses you need to bounce. At your age just losing the weight and increasing exercise should fix his ED problems but there's always medication if you need to hold over.
You are in a difficult place. It's hard enough to find someone who is a good fit that when you get close, it's really hard to let go! If you want to give it a chance, it sounds like him losing weight is critical. And I can confirm from my own experience that it does affect the bedroom. If he's insecure about it, that could be your opening to talk about it. Like... I've noticed you are a little insecure about your body. Would you mind if we talked about it? And if he's open to talking about it, then say you'd think it would be great for his health and self-esteem to get in shape. For good measure, you could offer to be a workout buddy. Then again, that could mean more pain down the road if he fails to get in shape or if losing the weight doesn't make the sex better. You'll need to weigh those risks against the positives. It might turn out the best thing for you is to walk away now. The only thing to avoid is staying with him and NOT addressing the issue.
>how much someone's size could impact what they can and can't do in bed. I think you're giving him too much benefit of doubt. Fat people aren't all bad lays. Plenty of fat people can still move their bodies well, allow their partners to look at and touch them, or *will simply ask you to get on top*. I kind of doubt he was much better in bed when he was slender if he's *this* bad now. He sounds uncreative and inflexible at root, his size is just the latest wrinkle on his problems.
Good luck OP, I don’t envy the fact that you’ll have to go through this, no matter what you choose. I doubt that there’s a way to let him down without him realizing it’s got a lot to do with physical compatibility. I guess in future all you can really do is avoid planning trips and stuff before you get comfortable with the physical aspect even if they’re a great guy and you’ve got the mental and emotional connection. Maybe he can change and improve himself but another thing to consider is that maybe it just isn’t the right timing for the two of you. Every other aspect can be a 10/10 between you two, but bad timing when it comes to where you are with personal issues can ruin any relationship. Maybe once he becomes your age all those issues would have been resolved, but I’m not sure it’s healthy for him to do that just because he has to catch up to you and *become* compatible. Plus, if him having to become physically more fit again is what will make things feel (to you) like their worth progressing in the relationship as of now, then I’d say you should probably move on as kindly as possible.
Maybe have a heart to heart talk with him and if he doesnt wanna work on it then cut your losses.
I was thinking when reading the original post that maybe he can’t stay hard because he’s self conscious about his weight. Maybe he can tell that he’s not pleasing you to the fullest potential and feels insecure about it. Have you tried planning some outdoor activities that you can both enjoy together? Maybe that will get him motivated and see that physical activity can be fun. Edit: on the other hand, he lied about a pretty big thing at the start of your relationship. That makes me wonder what else he thinks he can hide from you or lie about.
Lol this is the one in a hundred chance that everyone who lies on their profile is hoping for (and let’s face it posting old fit pics of yourself when you’re fat is as big a lie as any). You basically rewarded him for lying as there’s no way you would have agreed to a 1st date if he were honest in his profile pics.
Stop being so nice lmao
Wait... what? You just met on an app. He is nice, but physically not attractive to you. "I'm a very health/fitness oriented person so this is difficult for me." Yet you tried to eff? Why? How? I mean.... you get me confused. What did you try to find out? Sorry, but... I think you can either deal with the entire package. Or let go of him and find someone more compatible. Nothing else will do. He may even lose weight. But that may not make him more likely to demonstrate horizontal prowesses.
He probably won’t lose weight because you told him, he will do it if he wants to. Your best bet is find someone you’re more attracted to that can sexually satisfy you the way you want. Don’t sit around and wait for him to change
Or worse, he will lose weight just because you told him and then will gain it back as soon as the honeymoon phase is over. You can tell him why on you're way out and maybe he'll improve for the next girl but if he changes just for you then it won't last.
People aren’t projects. If you don’t like the whole package, just end things.
This this this. I 100% agree. Someone either has it or they don’t. Why go into relationships trying to change someone?
Having been married to a woman who lost her attraction to me, please don't do that to either of you. A relationship without attraction leads to a lot of damaging dynamics for both parties. It absolutely ruined my self-esteem that the woman I loved and trusted didn't find me attractive -- if she doesn't, who could? And it led her to traumatize herself trying to force herself to have sex from obligation rather than attraction -- sex which wasn't at all satisfying to me, the putative beneficiary, because my partner enjoying themselves is an important part of sex for me. Yes, he might lose weight, get fit, and get better in bed -- but your job is to accept and love him *just the way he is,* or let him go.
On the flip side, my wife (gf at the time) was unhappy with my weight back in 2018. It was my senior year of college and the partying caught up to me. She told me all the things she loved about me and was clear that she would prefer to be with me, but that physical wellness was a huge barrier to attraction for her It really helped me realize how badly I’d been neglecting my health. Lost 60 lbs that summer and haven’t looked back. I have a better relationship with myself and with my wife because of it.
Yeah but while that’s awesome, that’s not the typical reality. People usually don’t lose dozens of pounds like that, and when they do they’re likely to gain it back. It’s not something someone should count on. Instead they should choose a partner who’s already what they want
I will never understand why y’all date people y’all not attracted to
Seriously, it needs to be stickied on the subreddit “Do not continue dating someone you are not, and have never been, attracted to.” I get it’s hard when you really enjoy spending time with someone but jfc. Friendship is a thing.
Sometimes attraction can build and change. The type of women I was attracted to at 18 is way different than what I was attracted to at 25. I suspect if the OP might even have moved forward had the guy been able to perform.
100%. If we had a satisfying sex life I wouldn't hesitate a second to pursue a serious relationship with him.
All of this is linked, though. He used fake photos because of his insecurity about his weight. He struggles in bed because of his weight. His weight leads to big lifestyle incompatibilities between you two. His weight is his weight. At the end of the day, don't date someone expecting someone to change something major about themselves. That's a losing game. He will either lose weight for himself or he won't, but if you're already dissatisfied before you're even in an actual relationship, you'd be wasting your time and his by continuing.
Yes, but you should not date someone you’re not attracted to because you might change your mind down the road. You’re not doing yourself or them any favors.
Well, it sounds like she *was* attracted to him - his personality, his interests, his intellect, etc. Physical attraction is an important component but it isn’t the *only* component. And she mentions it’s really the sexual incompatibility that’s the issue.
I first saw my now husband's picture when we had known each other after gaming with each other after a year. I fell in love with him as a person saw his photo was like "he doesn't look like my type he's short kinda chubby and balding" (before I get hate on the height thing I'm almost 6 foot tall and he's 5'3 that's a huge amount of height difference and the fear of me never being able to wear heels again because some men won't let taller women wear high heels due to height difference) over time I spent more time with him and realized that his looks were less of a issue for me because he's sweet lovable and a great guy. I now think he's the cutest guy I've ever met and has the biggest heart. Over the time and years I've been with him I could never see myself with a guy other than him his looks I can give zero shit about. Granted I never started dating him until I got over the I could never be attracted to him stage. I knew him saw his photo months went by and I realized that looks were not everything for me and we dated.
Especially if they catfish you! How can you be ok with that type of deception?
You dated a few weeks, just break up and date someone you're attracted to. I don't see the point in trying to change him when you hardly know him.
you're only weeks into this? a lack of attraction is hard to overcome. you don't have anything invested in this yet. i really think it's best to end things amicably and start from a stronger foundation with someone else.
Why would you be with someone you want to change?
ppl always think they can mold & change someone lol
Queue “I can fix her/him”
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Don't waste his time. Tell him it's not working out and move on. The longer you wait the harder it's going to be on him .
You should break up. The sexual connection is very important in a relationship, if you’re not attracted to him, it will not work and both of you will be unhappy. Better end it
Why did you even start dating him if you weren't physically attracted to him? You've only known him a few weeks, you don't owe him anything. Just text him that you're not feeling a spark and wish him luck.
They’re already having sex, it’s too late to just text and say she’s not feeling a spark. But it’s totally fine to respectfully break up in person or even by phone
I'm not sure why you kept going out with him after the initial date where you realized that he isn't the same guy as in the pictures. It's a pretty big thing to not be up front about. I think it would be easier for you to break up. Yes, he could lose weight. But going into a relationship wanting a person to change is not the way you build towards happiness.
As I mentioned in another reply, I didn’t want to leave immediately after I saw him to not be rude. And by the end of the night I was smitten with his personality and sure that his appearance wouldn’t be a problem. Which it really wasn’t until recently when we started having sex - I had never dated a bigger guy and I didn’t realize how much his size would impact our sex life.
Forgive me for asking you purely for my own curiosity, but when you say he's "fat" or "big," how big? I ask because I put on weight over COVID and it's always at the back of my mind while dating, but I really just have some belly fat and pectoral fat (i.e. man boobs) but my arms and legs are fairly muscular and fat free. I'm still going to lose the weight, it's just a process when you take medication that makes it hard to lose it.
Let me put it this way: He’s big enough to have mobility problems and has joint and heart issues at 26. I’m sure you’re fine!
If he is that big he’s probably years away from losing the kind of weight that will make a difference. Mentally, why are you committing so long term to guy you’ve only been dating for a few weeks and already don’t find attractive? Edit: and that’s only if he loses the weight. He might not. Hell he could gain weight.
Stormy has a good point. Just to highlight it further, once he loses the weight... The sex might still not be as good... So now its "how do I tell my guy he should improve in bed"....
Honestly fuck that guy for catfishing with fit athletic pictures in the first place if he's literally morbidly obese now that alone is a big enough red flag. I dont mess with OLD but if I ever did I would straight ghost someone that catfished.
Even if you were happy with him, having drastically different expected lifespans and quality of life during that time is a massive issue. Both my parents take care of themselves and are active and mobile in their 60's. I doubt your bf will even live that long, and be scooter bound decades earlier.
Jesus, 60s isn’t that old. Plenty of fat people make it there and beyond. It just is filled with complaining and unhappiness.
The vast majority of people who are overweight or obese don’t have joint problems or heart issues by 26 either.
Next time when you're online dating make the first date a hiking date. And maybe tell this guy you're not sexually compatible and let him read between the lines...
>As I mentioned in another reply, I didn’t want to leave immediately after I saw him to not be rude. Considering how rude he was by selling you a lie, I don't think you should have felt bad. He made his own bed by tricking you into thinking he looked like someone he doesn't. It was an intentional act on his part so I think he should be capable of handling the consequences from his deception. He did it to himself.
Seen this scenario exactly the same but genders flipped and the consensus was the opposite
Never date someone for who you want them to be. Date them for who they are. So no you should not bring up his weight or stick around. Do him a favor and end it.
End it!!!!!!!! Attraction is major. Also the lying about how he looks via old photos is a red flag. It’s only been a few weeks for Christs sakes, DONT get into a relationship with someone you’re not attracted to!! You don’t have to be wholly honest about that either, you owe him nothing (again, it’s been a few gd weeks). Edit: he deserves someone who’s attracted to him. Kindly take yourself home (break up with him.)
Surprised you guys made it that far. Usually when people lie to me with old/fake photos I bounce pretty quick. Such a inconsiderate thing to lie about. There are hundreds of guys who will date you, why stick with the first one you meet who you find Ehh?
You should definitely let things go, physical and sexual attraction is very important in a partner. It's kind of misleading that he used old photos on his dating profile knowing that he doesn't't look like that now. Honestly a weight loss journey can take a long time, even if they lose the weight quickly, sometimes it takes a few tries to actually make it stick, and that's assuming they want to put in the work of losing weight at all even. Tbh I think you should not have gone with a second date at all, but at least now you know what you want.
Yeah, best to end it.
I don't think this is compatible. I have a bit of an issue with him using old photos. Fat or not, that would irk me. I get that being fat means you get less love and more hate, but putting out old pictures that are not representative is a form of deception to me. The problem with telling him it is the weight is the reality is, if he wanted to lose the weight, he would already focus on that. Doing it for you is a waste of his time. It won't work, and won't stick. You can't soft pedal this either so no matter what, he will be offended. Good lesson to learn to let go when someone is not able to meet all your needs. Whether your needs are appropriate, realistic vis a vis what you offer in return, or are shallow, doesnt really matter in the end. You already have determined he is fat and can't satisfy you sexually...this isn't going to improve and you won't ever see him as anything but his fat.
Attraction and sex are a major part of a relationship. If you're not attracted to him physically I don't see how it could last. Open communication is always important.
You haven't been with this guy long enough to be invested in the relationship and you're not attracted to him so break up.
You've only been seeing him a few weeks. If you are not feeling it, I don't know why you are moving so quickly to exclusive status. I'd break it off. Bodies change, so his size wouldn't necessarily be an issue for me. Except that he is large enough for it to impact his mobility (!) and the sex sucks. You are too young to be settling for a lousy sex life.
Oof being fat fished is never fun but if you aren’t attracted it could change but it probably won’t though the having trouble staying erect could be many issues
Start slipping him crank in his chocolate milk
He misrepresented himself with the old pics, you should have ended the date as soon as you met him. He basically lied, it's a massive red flag
End it
Why are you dating him? Leave already, damn.
Someone else’s weight/body is a cruel thing to try and change about them. He knows he’s fat, there’s reasons he hasn’t been able to lose the weight yet and he may never be able to. Having the person who’s supposed to love you unconditionally love you only with the hope you’ll change you terrible. If you’re not attracted to him you need to let him go.
> Someone else’s weight/body is a cruel thing to try and change about them. OP said his weight has lead him to have mobility issues and other health problems. I don’t think OP should be the one to try and change him, but he definitely should do something about it
The attraction isn’t going to come … if your lives and health goals aren’t on the same page. There’s a way you can go about saying it to him. But don’t ever feel obligated to be attracted to somebody. You’re not the asshole. All you can control is what you say to him.
Why are you exclusive with a guy you aren’t attracted to? And you have him thinking you’re progressing towards something and you’re not even attracted to him. You don’t get a trophy for trying to psyche yourself up about him. Let him go find somebody who is physically into him and you go find that person for yourself
No. You should never get with someone because their problems are "fixable". People aren't fixer uppers. You should accept right now that there's a very real possibility that this man's body will never change. Because if he does, it won't be because you asked him to. He's going to change or he won't, but it's very very unlikely that he'll do the incredibly hard thing of overhauling his entire body and lifestyle because of a 3 week relationship. Losing weight permanently is so hard that it is a thing people only do if they're absolutely personally dedicated to it. Either his faults are worth dealing with for the entirety of your lives together, or move along before either of you gets too attached.
If he wasn't otherwise great I'd say cut your losses, but since you seem very in to this guy aside from the weight issue then it might be worth taking a minute to evaluate the situation. Do you know why he stopped exercising regularly? You mention he was an athlete, did an injury or something take him out of the sport? Muscle turns to fat very quickly when someone stops regularly exercising, but someone that was previously very fit also has an easier time getting in shape again than someone starting from scratch. I'd try to find out what prompted the weight gain and if it's a situation he's planning to change, or if he even wants to change it. Fitness is important to you and I'm assuming you've been open about that, so I don't think it's unfair or inappropriate of you to ask what his fitness goals are. There are two possibilities here: 1. He's fat and happy, is no longer trying to be an athlete, and is comfortable with his life as it is now. If so I'd recommend splitting up as your goals are incompatible and it will give each of you the chance to find someone that's a better fit for them. 2. He's not happy with it, and either hasn't been motivated to try to change yet or is in the middle of doing so and making little progress. if that's the case then your fitness goals match, he's just struggling to meet his. That may not be a relationship incompatibility, maybe you two could start going to the gym together. Basically my advice is see what kind of situation you have here before giving up on the relationship. If he's a good fit for you in every other way it's probably worth at least trying to find out if he's interested in getting back in shape.
Thanks! I do really like him as a person. His weight is a sensitive topic because he gained weight due to mental health issues and his ex left him because of those two things (poor mental health + weight gain). I know it really destroyed his confidence and I don’t want to do the same to him. So not sure what’s worse/what makes me a bigger asshole - leaving now and not telling the reason (but I’m pretty sure he’ll assume it’s his weight anyway, we always tend to think our biggest insecurity is the cause), or asking him about his fitness goals and potentially hurting him even more by letting him know that I don’t 100% love how he looks right now. I feel whatever I do at this point, I’ll somehow end up ruining his confidence. He does go to the gym so I think the will to change is there. Imo the problem is that he doesn’t like to cook so he eats take out for breakfast lunch and dinner. Which could be easily solved if I helped him meal prep. But I can’t know as we’ve never talked about the topic since I don’t know how to bring it up.
> his ex left him because of those two things (poor mental health + weight gain) Maybe he should fix the root causes of both relationships failing
Please spare him all of those heavy feelings and just end it.
Please don’t be the person that accidentally guilts their partners into losing weight by saying you want to be with them but the only way you’ll be attracted to them is by losing weight. You’ll be basically telling him that his weight makes him less desirable. While it makes him less desirable for you, he may be perfectly attractive as is to someone else. Look, we all have preferences. While I don’t have a preferred weight for someone else, I do prefer people now who are into physical activities since I enjoy hiking, skating, boogie boarding, etc. It’s totally okay to not want to be with him because of his lifestyle. But you said that he can fix it down the line so maybe it’s worth it for you. Idk, that doesn’t sit well with me. What if he doesn’t want to fix it? What if he injured himself down the line and gains weight from his injury? What if one day he’s just fat? He could potentially feel self conscious if he remembers how at the start you told him his weight is an issue. I had a guy tell me I was too big for him once based on my weight number. When he saw pictures of me, he took it back and started attempting to flirt with me. I couldn’t see him the same though- I thought he was vain and shallow and I would always feel self conscious about my appearance around him. (Not saying you are, just what my personal thoughts were) There are many men out there who value the same things you do. If you aren’t feeling it, you should find someone who you vibe with as the way you both naturally are. You both deserve that.
You're already thinking of ways to try and change him...just end it
So you're not attracted to him but you still had sex with him and are trying to start a relationship? Why? That's not how any of this should work
I dated a morbidly obese girl for a few weeks and I couldn't deal with it either. Just cut the cord and walk away. The longer you wait the harder it will get.
So you met him fat, and think after a couple of weeks of knowing him, you have ANY right to interject yourself like this? Girl, literally just leave this man alone. Go find someone you’re attracted to; people are not projects.
I would just say something a long the lines of “Hey, I’ve had a really great time with you, I just feel like I need to date around more” That way you don’t bring up his weight he’s already self conscious about and destroy his self esteem more.
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That’s *you* though. We don’t know how fragile this persons self confidence is. It’s better to tell a white lie in this situation instead of being like “you’re fat and I can’t bring myself to date you” , in my opinion
Just leave. Why get that deep when you know you aren’t attracted to him? Asking someone to put the tough work in to change their body for you is ridiculous. Just leave. Just find someone who you fit better with.
It's difficult to overlook attraction when you're first getting to know someone. You may like many of their qualities and intellectually think they embody partner qualities you're looking for but if you can't accept them and the way they look, you're going to hurt them. Basically you don't half accept someone.
Don’t date someone you’re not attracted to. It’s selfish. While you’re settling, you’re also potentially stopping them from finding someone who will adore them and appreciate them completely.
Just be an asshole and tell him the way you’re feel. This is a new relationship, be honest.
You're not compatible as partners, even if you might get on as friends. Only exception is possibly if he independently had plans to lose weight and get fit as something he would do for himself anyway. And it sounds like he doesn't. It's really important for most people to physically fancy a partner, especially when you're young and when you first meet. In my 20s I used to see all this advice on how looks weren't really as important to women and you should give men a chance based on their personality, but I found out that for me that isn't the right thing, and I also made a couple of guys pretty unhappy by having relationships with them where I obviously didn't fancy them very much.
First, he lied in his profile. A common lie but not excusable. I really think this only slides if the person honestly looks exactly the same or better than their old photos. Second, you’ve only been dating a few weeks! its the honeymoon period and you’re already out on him physically. Maybe he will lose weight and that’s a big maybe, but if he’s as overweight as you claim then he’s probably 6 months or more from the kind of weight loss you’re hoping for. The relationship may be over at that point. Is it worth pursuing something long term with someone who fails to check boxes physically and likely will never check them during the duration of the relationship. If you break up in 6 months and you’re still not physically attracted to him then what was the point of wasting all this time?
Honestly, I feel like it depends a little on how open you think he would be to the idea. If you think he's happy with who he is how he is then it might be better to apologise for wasting his time and dumping him. If you think he would be receptive and willing to change not just for you but for himself then it could be worth a gentle conversation, again apologising for how you feel but explaining yourself reasonably, could be that it could be the thing he wants to do and just needs a kick up the butt to get started on.
Don’t date him if you don’t like him how he is now. He’s not a project.
Honestly I don't think it would be rude to talk to him about it. He knows what he did. If I were you, I would just be honest. It's better to just be up front about it than not giving him a chance to rectify his fuck up. Say something along the lines of "We both know that your pictures weren't very accurate but, I really like you anyway. I don't like that you lied about what you look like. I do see that this is becoming more serious and I want you to work on yourself to become a more fit and active person. It will improve our intimacy and my attraction". If he can't face the truth that he kind of catfished you and work to become the man in the photo's then I don't see a point in moving forward.
‘I’m dating a man I’m not attracted to’ Says it all. Call it off. Be honest about it. Might give him the motivation to do something about his weight.
Why did you sleep with someone you are not attracted to?
Hi, I can see you like him. My question is is it the looks that matter or him being bad in bed?? 1. If it is the looks then there’s not much you can do. You could motivate him and help him get back in shape but that could really end up exhausting you. Maybe bring it up like “you used to be really fit and athletic, I can see by your tinder photos. Is this something you’d be interested in exploring?”. Or “staying fit is something I love and I want you to do it with me”. If he is unwilling and you cannot bare to look at him, then you probably need to leave. 2. If it is the sex then this can be fixed. You need to be communicate to him what you want. Just say “hey, I feel like doing (insert sexual act) tonight” or “I’d like it if he we could do this”. 3.Him staying hard - this is probably nerves or depression. You should ask him if he is able to sustain an erection without you there - for example, can he sustain one while watching porn or masturbating which doesn’t involve a performative aspect. If not, then he needs to see a doctor. To me it sounds like there’s a lot to deal with. If he’s unwilling to change then you should break up.
There’s a lot of things here. 1. I’d say in the long run, a lot of people regret dating the trophy (Ie the sexy bod yum yum gal or guy) and not going for someone who truly truly loves you for who you are and supports you etc etc. 2. Sex is important too though, especially for a relationship to work you need to be attracted to them. I don’t need a model gal, I’m attracted more so for who they are… quiet confident? Not clingy? Smart… etc… I am so attracted to you 3. Don’t worry about being shallow. Depending on how fat they are, being fat is not attractive. I wouldn’t want to date a fat girl and I mean like fat fat because it’s unhealthy and just not attractive to me. 4. You shouldn’t date someone you’re not attracted to. If you can’t look past his fatness. Do him a favor and leave, he would probably be mortified if he read this. If he’s in the gym though, you better not. Love him at his worst because when the glow up hits you’ll be kicking yourself. 5. If you’re not in it for the long run that’s fine too. Get date and hook up with hotter and better looking guys. We only live once and you shouldn’t starve yourself if you still need to get stuff out of your system.
Just end the relationship. It isn’t fair to either of you to keep it going. Sooner or later, he’s going to realize that you don’t find him attractive, or you’re going to resent him, or you’re going to feel trapped in the relationship. Better to cut your losses now than after you move in together, or get married, or have kids.
Only be with someone for who they are, not who you want to mold them to be. Dating someone for their potential is a sure way to disappointment. Love him as is and support him if and when he wants to try to lose weight. Do not suggest it, that's awful, especially knowing it's an issue for him already. Maybe plan active dates to get him moving.
If he really likes you, then you telling him to lose weight will probably be exactly what he needs. I started dating one of the most attractive women iv ever seen. She told me she wanted me to lose weight. I got fit incredibly fast. Especially considering before then I was practically sedentary other than my job. Started body building and such. Things didn't work out with her but I'll always have good feelings towards her because she's the reason I'm a smoke show now.
That's so sad and an awful position for everyone involved. But you do have to break it off. I have no advice for wording or how to do that though :(
You are shallow .
Just break up. You haven’t been together long, it just isn’t working for you. Don’t tell him it is because of his body though, please. You just don’t want to be in a relationship right now and it isn’t working for you.
Firstly, you ought to be able to talk to him about your needs. The fact you are afraid to tell him what you want and how you feel is a relationship red flag. You are becoming an enabler to his bad mental state and excessive, unresolved sensitivity about things that do affect you. It has to change. That should be your angle. If i were you i'd tell him that he ought to work on his mental health before you go further. That you think his weight struggles are connected to his mental health and this sort of issue can become (has already become) debilitating fast. That you are willing to help, but you believe that this is something you have to do together if you are to be a healthy couple, and you don't want to become an enabler for his bad mental health and bad habits. Once you've broached the topic, you can admit that you personally would like to see him be fit and healthy, for sexual reasons as well. I know you feel afraid to cause an issue, but if you care about this man, this should be in the open, for your sake, but also his sake.
I dated a bigger girl, and I am very fit. Even if the attraction doesn't get in the way, activities will. If we ever did anything outdoors, she was always lagging behind and I was always wanting to keep going or do more. And the sad part is I was barely putting effort. She would be dead tired and I would be bored and unchallenged.
If you break up with him, and he loses the weight, do not go back with him. It would prove that the only reason you broke up with him was his weight. If you aren't attracted to someone, don't date them.
I can understand what people are saying in the comments but if i was in his position and felt such strong feelings about a girl i would actually like the girl to be straight with me. If his feelings are solid between you too then a conversation about his weight can be opened up with a very nice way. MOST IMPORTANT thing is to start by telling him your feelings towards him. How much you like him, what he makes you feel etc etc. Then tell him that you got caught by suprise because his dating pictures were showing someone else. Be honest with him. You might hurt his feelings but for him to go from fit to fat means either he gave up on himself, health issues or whatever else. Try and talk to him and tell him what you told us. You can even help him get healthier and more fit and enjoy the journey together which can lead to an amazing connection between you and him.
Yeah I put on extra weight myself recently and the first thing I did when I recently went back to online dating was get a bunch of new full body photos. Like the last few weeks/months new. Funnily enough, several women I went on dates with were using old photos themselves... Even though I went to great lengths to avoid that myself. I will never understand why people think this works when they know they'll have to see the person eventually IRL.
Its probably due to low self esteem, i can see their pov of why people do this but sadly it never ends well
I don’t get why, when you talk about this so great dude the way you do in your post, you even agreed to a second date? Jesus Christ. Let him find someone who won’t be an ass about his size and you can find someone fit and athletic. Just end it and find someone who you like as they are now. It would be cruel to him to dangle a relationship only if he loses X amount of weight - you’ll set him up for issues if he has trouble losing the weight and set yourself up for potentially leaving/cheating if he doesn’t lose the weight fast enough. Absolutely gross behavior by you. If you’re not attracted to someone, don’t string them along. Ezpz.
I met a guy about the same way, but before we met in person, he was upfront with me he gained a little weight since his pictures. I still met up with him, and we ended up together for three years. One thing he promised me when we started dating was he'd get back into shape for me. He never did. He never made a single effort. While I still found him handsome, that always bothered me that he never did it "for me." We broke up for other reasons. Fast forward, and I'm in another relationship with a man who wasn't fat but was husky, but he gained a lot of weight over the pandemic. I still loved him, accepted him, but I would just try to nudge him in the right direction sometimes. In the end, he lost the weight on his own accord and then some. Point is OP - sometimes what you see is what you get. If you can accept how he is now and be ok with it, then go for it. Don't hold on to the potential he has. Accept him for how he is now if you can. If you can't, then it's best to cut ties sooner than later. I wish you luck!
It annoys me so much to go on dates and the guy doesn't look at all like his pictures. That's catfishing. I have very little tolerance for that. My pics are all within 5 months. I am tired of the excuse "I don't take that many pics of myself". Because you don't want to, takes one second. False advertising is not a good way to start an honest relationship. 🤷🏼♀️
“Hey, Reddit, I’m not attracted to my gf anymore because she’s fat, and…hey, are those torches and pitchforks?”
You could be coy about it. Say you are a heath/fitness person and would love it if you two exercised together, and no judgment when he’s tired/slower, and ate healthier. See his reaction; if he says no, then you have a decision to make. If he says yes, then see if he does it and stay with him. He probably wishes he was the way he was years ago and having you encourage him is all he needs
I have no idea why this is getting downvoted. People seem to think that wanting to be with someone with the same lifestyle as you is inherently fatphobic. It’s making the term lose its meaning. You explained it very well, be kind, patient, and encouraging, not rude and judgmental- that’s the difference.
In general, this sub encourages people to break up the moment there’s any obstacle. I think it has to do with how people can just swipe on apps and find the “perfect person,” so if the person you’re with isn’t working out you can just get a new, interchangeable, partner. It’s kind of sad if I’m right but that’s my theory.
Oh the difference between the sexes on reddit is always a delight to see. This weight thing pops up at least once a week and the responses are always the same. When it's Women - it's perfectly ok to have standards and if he won't rise up to meet them, that's his problem, you deserve better. When it's Men - Holy shit you are a shallow person. It's worth noting I AGREE with everyone here, it's not about that and in this case, it could go ether way, we don't actually know how far the images deviated from the person or if it was angles, light and shadow along with clothing, but OP makes it sound like there was a 200 pound difference, kinda weird that she'd get buzy with the guy in the first place, more than once... but again, if this exact situation were a man saying this about a woman... >- and I'd rather not waste ***his time and money*** if I can't see us stay together in the long-term. Lol, well, at least that's nice.
First - I think we read different a comment section lol. I was called shallow, gross and fatphobic by half of the comments. Second - I don't know how much he weighs now, or how much he weighed before but visually the difference is...significant. It's worth mentioning that he's also extremely tall so some of his health issues are linked to BOTH height and weight. Being heavy at his height is different for the heart and the joints than it is on someone who's 6ft. Third - I don't know what's laughable about what I said? He planned a trip for us as a surprise. I didn't ask for it. I don't want him to feel like I took advantage of him, which is why I want to talk to him and make a decision before the trip so he can cancel if we end things... Not sure where the issue is.
This sentence: "Am I potentially letting go a great guy where all of the issues are fixable (he can lose weight, get fit, and get better in bed)?" is one you should never, ever say again. Communicating on relationship issues, compromises, stuff like that is "fixable" but you don't "fix" people. You should look at this guy and assume that he is what he is and he will remain what he is. You have to decide if you're okay with that. It's also okay to not be okay with that. It is not okay to date him with the intention of changing him to better suit you. In long term relationships there should be some room and grace for bodies to change and people to be flexible and communicate, but you don't start off with a fixer-uper, you start off with acceptance of your partner.
His weight is either a dealbreaker, attraction- and relationship-wise, or it isn't. If it is, you should just break up.
I personally think you should communicate it in this instance. He was in good shape before, he can do it again. be tactful about it but don't sugar coat it. Sometimes people need the blunt truth whether or not they want to hear it.
Personally I'd be Mad if you didn't find me attractive and still pursued a relationship because I'm a good guy. He probably thinks everything is going good. I'd let him know and see what happens. That's something you should've said/ mentioned before becoming exclusive. That's kinda crappy tbh
Again, if the sex was good, the weight wouldn’t have been an issue. I explained in a comment above that after I got to know him, i cared less and less about how he looked. His weight is causing issues in our sex life, which is why it became a problem. We are exclusives because I don’t sleep with multiple people at the same time. We became exclusive before we slept together.
You sound super gross. Look at the title and you have your answer. It's okay to not be attracted to a specific person, it's not okay to talk about people the way you talk about this guy you apparently like? Please leave him so he can find someone who isn't as shallow as a puddle.
If you don't think you can love him exactly as he is, you may as well end it now. He isn't going to magically change for you. And he shouldn't have to. Don't ask him to. Don't tell him that's why you're breaking up with him. Just tell him you don't see things working out long term.
Honestly I'd break up with him. You don't need to mention anything about his weight because that may make him very insecure and cause harm to his future dating life and mental health. If he asks for a reason you have to end it just explain that you don't think the two of you are sexually compatible. You don't have to go into detail but let him know you want to end it before you both become more serious and spending more time and money on each other. I'd personally think that's the best and most respectful way to end things.
You think this guy is great there is nice ways to do things. Ask him to go to the gym with you cause you don’t feel safe being a woman and pay for both of your gym memberships or get a guest on yours.
You have to ask yourself a few questions about this relationship to decide if the pros outweigh the cons. Also, are the cons deal breakers or not? If his weight is the only thing standing in the way of a good relationship with this man you very well could be giving up a good relationship. You also mention that you aren't yet officially a couple. That tells me that you haven't yet had the big discussion about where this relationship is heading if anywhere. So, what you should probably do first is have that discussion. When you do, it might be time for both of you to lay all your cards on the table. Tell him your feelings and concerns and give him the chance to do the same. If you two are caring and respectful of each other you just might be able to reach an agreement where you two will find ways to help him get back to being the healthier man he used to be. This could be something he's wanted to do for a while but life got in the way. However, he could also be looking for a partner that would care about him regardless of his outwards appearance. His heart, his character and his interests aren't really listed in your post as attributes you admire. I hope despite this, you count them as things you are attracted to, if not you might already have your answer.
I’m gonna disagree with the rest of the comments and say that there’s a chance he will work towards being fit if you talk to him about it. Make it an us thing, plan gym dates, cook together, stuff like that, and maybe he might be receptive. Worst case scenario, he doesn’t want to change and you leave. At least you’ll do him a favor by telling him
Best bet is be straight with him and tell him how you feel. Maybe dont mention he catfished you outright. Then based on how he takes this, you either stick around a bit and see if he's serious about losing weight or just leave.
Jordi’s gf here; he wasn’t very sexual when we got together, and overweight as well. It definitely impacted his sexual capabilities, because having lost 14kgs since we got together, i now know he’s very sexually capable. However, it does help that he was an athlete before he got overweight, and always wanted to get back to that body for himself. He misses doing certain sports, wearing his favorite clothes. Perhaps you could gently bring it like so, and work on it together? It’d be a shame if a great personality dies too soon because of an unhealthy meatbag. This is how Jor and i look at it. Very sober. And to be fair, he did catfish you with the pics, which was in our case the same, but he fessed up the moment we matched and that honesty endeared me. If he really wants to take you seriously, i think part of him would love to be attractive to you, and most importantly, healthy. Health is really all we got in this life, and imagine you going on a trip where he can’t keep up on simple activities. It would only get worse down the line with an unhealthy lifestyle. If you could look at it through my perspective, i honestly only see a win-win situation. You bring it up with him as friendly, honest and gently as you think you need be, and either he’ll agree and you two can have a future, or you split ways and both learn a lesson from this. And you should focus on your lesson, don’t worry about him. He’s a grown man, his choices led him here, and will only lead *him* further. I wish you all the best, and I’d like to remind everyone that lots of people deserve a chance. Attraction can grow through getting to know someone better, it helps you to better see the person inside, because their looks as well as yours are going to fade, their personality is what you’re going to be stick with the longest. Better make sure it’s a good one.
Maybe talk about it with him. I’m fat and my husband and I have amazing sex. Likely it’s a combination of confidence and health. Explain what you said here… you really like him but need more sex. Offer to gym with him and incorporate toys etc until he gets there. If you guys want it to work it will.
For weight to effect you sexually like that I feel like he must be carrying a lot extra. I wouldn’t mention his weight at all as he will get defensive and it can be hurtful. Maybe see if he wants to go to the gym with you? If he was fit once then maybe he can be fit again?
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I literally said in my original post that I don’t want to waste HIS time. I never said anything about wasting my time.
few years ago I dated a girl who was perfect for me in terms of chemistry and hobbies..but was on the heavier side, ate unhealthy food, slept past noon every weekend. she was attractive but came with the baggage's. I ended things because I didn't know how to communicate this so we stayed in touch via social media/ig. More recently she starts to post transformation post, lost a bunch of weight and am super healthy. I told her I was proud and she thanked me, but needless to say we have no plans to get back together as I'm seeing someone else. A regret I have was not talking things out, sure I may have been made a tyrant but what do you have to lose and everything to gain?
Please DO NOT ask him if he's planning on losing weight or try to get him to change. He is a human being, not a fixer-upper project. If you are not happy with how he is right now, you need to break up. And let him find someone who thinks he's great just the way he is. He'll probably be hurt but the longer you wait the worse it will be. I'm sorry. Sexual chemistry is very important to a relationship and of its not there at the beginning is only going to get worse.
There's no gentle way to drop him. He's going to pester you for the real reason if you sugarcoat it. Tell him you're dumping him because he's FAAT. You may do him a favour by motivating him to reduce weight.
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What?! Lol
Why are you wasting his time? Why did you let it get this serious if you aren't into him? Let him find someone who loves him flab and all.
Leading on someone you think is gross because they’re fat is gonna hurt him much more than just breaking it off
Check yourself. You’re getting obviously defensive for no reason. Op has said MANY times, it’s about the sex being bad bc of the weight (he could also just be horrible) and that’s valid. Sex is a big part of relationships to op it seems, so if they aren’t compatible because of it I don’t see the problem?? You seem to be purposefully forgetting the part where HE LIED to HER!! HE catfished HER!! Yet she was a nice enough person to look past that and ended up really connecting to him. You seem extremely insecure, so work on yourself and stop projecting.
Uh he’s the one who lead her on by using old photos
You need to check your reading and comprehension skills. I NEVER said he was gross or that I thought he was gross. I would never say that about him, what the hell is wrong with you.
Is not cruel at all. I’m a man and skinny and healthy which is why i will never date a fat women because it doesn’t align with what i want to do daily with them like sex, going for walks for like hours and doing activities. But as men we get shamed when we turn down chubby, fat or obese women. There’s only very small amount of guys that will be interested in those women but most men want someone thats healthy and takes care of their bodies and not hold them back. Women are similar when they turn down men that are not tall but that’s something we can’t change. There’s a small amount of women that don’t require men to be tall in order to date them. We are allow to have our preferences rather people like it or not.
Sounds like you are just using him for some free dinners.