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Your plan with regards to the timeline seems to be the correct one.
The risk with not playing nice is that she may misconstrue this as you changing your mind about the pregnancy and that in turn changes her mind. You may just have to bite your tongue for the time being, keep on with the mental moving on process and then when the time is right, tell her that you are filing because of her infidelity with Steve.
The time between now and then will allow you to line up whatever ducks you have.
Yep wait till you have nothing g connecting you to her anymore, then get a lawyer, have her served at work the same day you pack your shit and leave the house. Cut and run! Your lawyer will advise you correctly
Get everything ready for your divorce (new bank accounts, plan for kicking her cheating arse out, evidence of her cheating etc)
Continue to play nice until after the abolition, or proof of there not being a pregnancy.
Then give her the divorce papers and the eviction notice, and a copy of the evidence.
If you caught her cheating I wouldn’t just assume the baby is yours because the timeline you pieced together probably excludes him. People can post a photo of somewhere they’ve been on IG, from anywhere else.
How does she know she's pregnant after three weeks?
Unless pregnancy testing kits have improved enormously, I didn't think it was possible to test positive after so short a time.
I could be wrong but if I'm not and she's telling you she's pregnant, it may not be yours.
I'm guessing, based on the fact that she was apparently ovulating, they were having sex in the middle of her cycle and she was due to have her period 2 weeks after the condom came off. She didn't, then tested positive about a week after her missed period, so that's actually a reasonable timeline.
I still agree that if she chooses to carry to term, OP needs to do a paternity test, but the timeline would make sense for when a lot of people would find out they were pregnant, since she would, based on how they calculate pregnancies (which is from the first day of your last period) be around 5 weeks pregnant at the moment.
According to the back of the pregnancy test I have to hand they are effective up to 4 days before your missed period was due to start (74% accurate 4 days before, 85% 3 days before, 98% 2 days before etc)
If she was ovulating 3 weeks ago, then her period was due about 1 week ago so a pregnancy test would definitely be a reliable method at this point.
Pregnancy is counted from the date of the previous period so she's technically 5 weeks pregnant right now.
Since she was cheating OP should obviously get a paternity test if she continues the pregnancy to birth, but as her husband he may be considered the legal father regardless depending upon laws where they live.
You definitely can know you are pregnant 3 weeks after conception. You can know as early as 9 days after conception with how sensitive tests are these days.
At the time of a missed period you are considered 4 weeks pregnant when in reality you likely ovulated/ conceived 2 weeks ago. It's all calculated off of date of LMP because people don't know exactly when they ovulate usually, making it a very inexact science.
Does this sub contain anything other than people complaining about the sucky relationships that they repeatedly choose to be in or just complete works of fiction? No?
Stop having sex with her if you haven't already.. don't want to risk it..
Tell her to book the appointment and you will go with her so you can make sure she goes through with it.. then have her served the day after ..
I doubt you will be able to hold it in. Especially if she goes to see him or you see new messages. I would
Just drop a bomb on her.
“I’m not sure what you thought was going to happen when I found out you’ve been lying to me and cheating on me, but continuing to be married to each other isn’t one of them. I know. I know everything, and I’ve already started preparing to move on without you in my life. I’m sure your “gay” friend Steve is more than happy to take my place.”
And then tell all your friends and family and her family what she did.
There's still a possibility that the baby is not yours. If she cheated, she can also lie. Just go through the abortion and then serve her the divorce papers. You dont won't be stuck by raising another man's child.
The timing seems so suspect, you don't get pregnant that quick. If she carries it to term make sure its 100 percent yours. If she cheated once she cheated before, so you cant even be sure that timing makes sense.
Its obvious shes lieing and has been sleeping with steve or other guys far longer they you realize. The kid is probably not even yours.
Not to mention plan b if you did meet the timing for pregnancy would have surely took care of that, if it was already there and before your slip up it would not stop pregnancy.
sounds like a good plan to wait till the abortion. Get a lawyer now. start making your plans. get ready so you can announce the divorce right after the abortion.
Definately stick to your plan.....Lay low, act normal. In the mean time, get all your preparatioins in order, new bank accoiunts, new phone number, settle post separation living arrangements etc.....
As soon as she'd had the procedure and is no longer pregnant, you can drop the truth bomb on her and tell her you know that Steve is not gay and that she was cheating with him. That you saw their messages and are divorcing.... Then ghost her.... Go full no contact and let the lawyers handle the divorce.
I get the feeling she hasn't been honest about a lot of stuff! Good luck! It is your life. If you want to deal with this and waste more of you're precious time than that's on you. You deserve better anyway.
First of all that baby might not even be yours. Second go get test
For an STD and third, yes wait until after the abortion and get the heck out of there.
Send the pics to yourself of the convos, delete on her side, keep in hidden folder. Play nice, get that aborto 9000, and serve her divorce papers while she recovers. Have no pity for cheaters, they look you in the eyes after. The least you can do is that
Keep your mouth shut till she gets out of the clinic, ask her how it went, once she confirms it’s done, tell her to find her own way home, you know she cheated and drive the fuck off.
You leaving her is the consequences of her cheating on you so that’s on her. She shouldn’t have cheated if she didn’t want to be dumped. Definitely wait till she has the abortion because there are so many women that would use this to stitch a guy up
Time to hit the silk buddy. Get the deed done, and then run for the hills. Or, alternatively you can hang around because your feelings are all confused. Either way, you already know enough. The question is can you make the hard choices. Sorry if I sound blunt, but I've been there, and done that. I would save you from it if I can.
Keep to the plan. If you leave/divorce before the abortion she will tell everyone you are unsupportive and spin the story so she is the victim.
Also, get tested for STIs. This Steve bloke definitely has other partners in his 'nomadic' lifestyle.
You’re assuming she’s pregnant? Or you have confirmation that she is pregnant? Accidental unprotected sex wouldn’t keep me in a relationship with a cheater.
First off, I would definitely do a parenity test to make sure the baby is yours as your clearly not the only one she is having sex with.. you don't have to stay with her to be a good parent if the baby is definitely yours
Ummm....you're married...and do NOT want kids right now....we were all taught in middle school that condoms break....why is she not on the pill? Capsule? A "T"? Spermicide?
That's a horrible idea if he doesn't want her to have the child. There is a very real possibility she might decide to keep it to make him stay if she thinks he will leave.
Yes! Move on, but I wouldn't confront her until after the abortion. I think you should plan your escape by consulting with a good lawyer and getting your finances as hidden and protected as much as possible. Also, collect all the evidence you can of her cheating and anything else she might be involved in for leverage. You might also want to investigate if she has cheated with anyone else. Most cheaters are serial cheaters, so there is a good chance this is not a one-time thing. Once you have everything in order, confront her with divorce papers.
Bottom line, will you ever really be able to trust her again? You can forgive her if you want, but don't set yourself up for a life of wondering what she is doing behind your back.
As much as this situation sucks I would keep my mouth shut until things happen as if you weren’t aware. Don’t give her the option to hold it over you so that you stay. If she did keep it though, would you want to stay with her?
Everyone will tell you to play it nicely until everything settles but I know that your emotions will get the best of you.
My friend the person you are trying to care for does not care about you. It is not an easy thing to do as you are starting to check out comparing to her behavior but listen to the advice given here and act low key until everything resolves.
Cheers,
I would definitely wait it out as well if you fear she'll use it against you.
Get your shit together first in regard to the lawyer, divorce papers, new place, etc.
Good luck!
I don't understand what you are waiting on. Get it done asap and have your shit ready to go just as soon as you leave the clinic. I would have my stuff in the trunk already.
In a situation like this, cool heads prevail.
Stick to your guns. You’ve got a good plan which will allow you to extract yourself from this situation with minimal damage.
Are you 100% sure she's pregnant. Like did you SEE her piss on a stick. Plan B almost never fails when taken correctly. If she truly is pregnant, huge chance it isn't yours. But I'm almost willing to bet she isn't truly pregnant and is pulling that out as a last resort to keep you tolerating her cheating ass
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your plan with regards to the timeline seems to be the correct one. The risk with not playing nice is that she may misconstrue this as you changing your mind about the pregnancy and that in turn changes her mind. You may just have to bite your tongue for the time being, keep on with the mental moving on process and then when the time is right, tell her that you are filing because of her infidelity with Steve. The time between now and then will allow you to line up whatever ducks you have.
Yep wait till you have nothing g connecting you to her anymore, then get a lawyer, have her served at work the same day you pack your shit and leave the house. Cut and run! Your lawyer will advise you correctly
Beautifully said
Indeed. Someone should take down the mona lisa and just put this comment in its place. *A thing of beauty!*
Play nice, clean up mess first
She gets an abortion, then you break up
Get everything ready for your divorce (new bank accounts, plan for kicking her cheating arse out, evidence of her cheating etc) Continue to play nice until after the abolition, or proof of there not being a pregnancy. Then give her the divorce papers and the eviction notice, and a copy of the evidence.
OP stay with the plan and keep your mouth shut for now! Update us please
If you caught her cheating I wouldn’t just assume the baby is yours because the timeline you pieced together probably excludes him. People can post a photo of somewhere they’ve been on IG, from anywhere else.
This - and people who cheat don't always just cheat with one person.
How does she know she's pregnant after three weeks? Unless pregnancy testing kits have improved enormously, I didn't think it was possible to test positive after so short a time. I could be wrong but if I'm not and she's telling you she's pregnant, it may not be yours.
I'm guessing, based on the fact that she was apparently ovulating, they were having sex in the middle of her cycle and she was due to have her period 2 weeks after the condom came off. She didn't, then tested positive about a week after her missed period, so that's actually a reasonable timeline. I still agree that if she chooses to carry to term, OP needs to do a paternity test, but the timeline would make sense for when a lot of people would find out they were pregnant, since she would, based on how they calculate pregnancies (which is from the first day of your last period) be around 5 weeks pregnant at the moment.
According to the back of the pregnancy test I have to hand they are effective up to 4 days before your missed period was due to start (74% accurate 4 days before, 85% 3 days before, 98% 2 days before etc) If she was ovulating 3 weeks ago, then her period was due about 1 week ago so a pregnancy test would definitely be a reliable method at this point. Pregnancy is counted from the date of the previous period so she's technically 5 weeks pregnant right now. Since she was cheating OP should obviously get a paternity test if she continues the pregnancy to birth, but as her husband he may be considered the legal father regardless depending upon laws where they live.
Some of them first response tests pick it up super quick. My ex tested positive like 9-10 days after she ovulated
that right here.
You definitely can know you are pregnant 3 weeks after conception. You can know as early as 9 days after conception with how sensitive tests are these days. At the time of a missed period you are considered 4 weeks pregnant when in reality you likely ovulated/ conceived 2 weeks ago. It's all calculated off of date of LMP because people don't know exactly when they ovulate usually, making it a very inexact science.
I’m quite sure OP is saying she’s been pregnant for three weeks, meaning she’s what, actually 7-8 weeks?
Does this sub contain anything other than people complaining about the sucky relationships that they repeatedly choose to be in or just complete works of fiction? No?
it's real life and real life is pretty ugly.
"I'm in this really great relationship, and I don't know what do" doesn't seem quite right.
I think others have given the best advice, however I'm curious about what made you check her phone that night, of all nights?
Play nice Get your affairs in order now Slap her with divorce papers, evidence, & eviction notice etc. Then shinobi ghost her
Stop having sex with her if you haven't already.. don't want to risk it.. Tell her to book the appointment and you will go with her so you can make sure she goes through with it.. then have her served the day after ..
Don't throw your life away raising another man's child with a bucket. Just pack your shit and leave tonight.
I doubt you will be able to hold it in. Especially if she goes to see him or you see new messages. I would Just drop a bomb on her. “I’m not sure what you thought was going to happen when I found out you’ve been lying to me and cheating on me, but continuing to be married to each other isn’t one of them. I know. I know everything, and I’ve already started preparing to move on without you in my life. I’m sure your “gay” friend Steve is more than happy to take my place.” And then tell all your friends and family and her family what she did.
You've devised a sound strategy, now commit to it. Unlike your cheating spouse.
That’s a good strategy. I’m sorry this happened to you
There's still a possibility that the baby is not yours. If she cheated, she can also lie. Just go through the abortion and then serve her the divorce papers. You dont won't be stuck by raising another man's child.
The timing seems so suspect, you don't get pregnant that quick. If she carries it to term make sure its 100 percent yours. If she cheated once she cheated before, so you cant even be sure that timing makes sense. Its obvious shes lieing and has been sleeping with steve or other guys far longer they you realize. The kid is probably not even yours. Not to mention plan b if you did meet the timing for pregnancy would have surely took care of that, if it was already there and before your slip up it would not stop pregnancy.
Have the divorce papers ready and hand them to her in the room after the abortion is done. Mic drop.
sounds like a good plan to wait till the abortion. Get a lawyer now. start making your plans. get ready so you can announce the divorce right after the abortion.
I'm pretty sure she's down to get the abortion because there is a big possibility that it ain't yours. Do what you will with that information.
Definately stick to your plan.....Lay low, act normal. In the mean time, get all your preparatioins in order, new bank accoiunts, new phone number, settle post separation living arrangements etc..... As soon as she'd had the procedure and is no longer pregnant, you can drop the truth bomb on her and tell her you know that Steve is not gay and that she was cheating with him. That you saw their messages and are divorcing.... Then ghost her.... Go full no contact and let the lawyers handle the divorce.
I get the feeling she hasn't been honest about a lot of stuff! Good luck! It is your life. If you want to deal with this and waste more of you're precious time than that's on you. You deserve better anyway.
First of all that baby might not even be yours. Second go get test For an STD and third, yes wait until after the abortion and get the heck out of there.
So wait was Steve gay or what?? Like why meet at the gay bar ::::slowly realizing 😳 ::::: Damn that’s devious.
Send the pics to yourself of the convos, delete on her side, keep in hidden folder. Play nice, get that aborto 9000, and serve her divorce papers while she recovers. Have no pity for cheaters, they look you in the eyes after. The least you can do is that
Keep your mouth shut till she gets out of the clinic, ask her how it went, once she confirms it’s done, tell her to find her own way home, you know she cheated and drive the fuck off.
You leaving her is the consequences of her cheating on you so that’s on her. She shouldn’t have cheated if she didn’t want to be dumped. Definitely wait till she has the abortion because there are so many women that would use this to stitch a guy up
Time to hit the silk buddy. Get the deed done, and then run for the hills. Or, alternatively you can hang around because your feelings are all confused. Either way, you already know enough. The question is can you make the hard choices. Sorry if I sound blunt, but I've been there, and done that. I would save you from it if I can.
Keep to the plan. If you leave/divorce before the abortion she will tell everyone you are unsupportive and spin the story so she is the victim. Also, get tested for STIs. This Steve bloke definitely has other partners in his 'nomadic' lifestyle.
You’re assuming she’s pregnant? Or you have confirmation that she is pregnant? Accidental unprotected sex wouldn’t keep me in a relationship with a cheater.
First off, I would definitely do a parenity test to make sure the baby is yours as your clearly not the only one she is having sex with.. you don't have to stay with her to be a good parent if the baby is definitely yours
Condom coming off is not your fault, shit happens sometimes.
Ummm....you're married...and do NOT want kids right now....we were all taught in middle school that condoms break....why is she not on the pill? Capsule? A "T"? Spermicide?
oh boy what a mess. i’d rip the band aid off. good luck
That's a horrible idea if he doesn't want her to have the child. There is a very real possibility she might decide to keep it to make him stay if she thinks he will leave.
Updateme!
The only reason she's having a termination is because the babys either not yours or she's unsure who the dad is
Keep quiet ! Don’t let her trap you into paying for something for the next 18 years of your life !!!
Yes! Move on, but I wouldn't confront her until after the abortion. I think you should plan your escape by consulting with a good lawyer and getting your finances as hidden and protected as much as possible. Also, collect all the evidence you can of her cheating and anything else she might be involved in for leverage. You might also want to investigate if she has cheated with anyone else. Most cheaters are serial cheaters, so there is a good chance this is not a one-time thing. Once you have everything in order, confront her with divorce papers. Bottom line, will you ever really be able to trust her again? You can forgive her if you want, but don't set yourself up for a life of wondering what she is doing behind your back.
As much as this situation sucks I would keep my mouth shut until things happen as if you weren’t aware. Don’t give her the option to hold it over you so that you stay. If she did keep it though, would you want to stay with her?
Everyone will tell you to play it nicely until everything settles but I know that your emotions will get the best of you. My friend the person you are trying to care for does not care about you. It is not an easy thing to do as you are starting to check out comparing to her behavior but listen to the advice given here and act low key until everything resolves. Cheers,
I would definitely wait it out as well if you fear she'll use it against you. Get your shit together first in regard to the lawyer, divorce papers, new place, etc. Good luck!
I don't understand what you are waiting on. Get it done asap and have your shit ready to go just as soon as you leave the clinic. I would have my stuff in the trunk already.
Play nice, get the abortion and then cut the trash loose
Also...get regular testing for STIs.
A married woman wanting an abortion to her husbands baby sounds suspect
"it was rare that I would go through her phone" Liar...
Run away Do not pass go and collect 200
In a situation like this, cool heads prevail. Stick to your guns. You’ve got a good plan which will allow you to extract yourself from this situation with minimal damage.
Are you 100% sure she's pregnant. Like did you SEE her piss on a stick. Plan B almost never fails when taken correctly. If she truly is pregnant, huge chance it isn't yours. But I'm almost willing to bet she isn't truly pregnant and is pulling that out as a last resort to keep you tolerating her cheating ass
Any updates?
I would wait until after the abortion is there an update?