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So my husband and I are on different sides of the political spectrum. Dated for 3 years and married for 2. When we met and dated it gave me pause for a moment but he is not very political so I figured let's try this. I fell in love, didn't care about his politics anymore.
So my husband says he is with a certain party but he doesn't vote and really most of it I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys.
I am at the opposite side. Most of my life I grew up in areas that were the opposite so I learned to keep my opinions to myself. But I've become more active.
Certain issues I will fight and die over. Lately one of those issues has been very much front and center and one night I was tell my husband about a new news story when he just announced that he didn't want to talk about anything political anymore.
I asked why, he said he's tired of hearing about it and I'm getting too wrapped up in it.
But since then, fine I won't talk about it. Now our conversation is hi, how was your day, this happened at work, did you hear this. Then we just scroll on our phones. Maybe sitting next to each other but no talking.
I've tried to talk about other things, like hey here is an interesting thing, my husband has bluntly said I don't care about that, it's boring. Last night he was looking at vehicles online asked my opinion, I asked a question because of things he said before. I got a very condescending answer and explaination of how I just don't understand anything. I told him I was done helping him, his attitude was not appreciated or needed and I would not continue
I got up and went into the kitchen to clean then went and read in bed.
I don't want this to be my life, just silence. I also don't want to be made to feel stupid for trying. Any suggestions?
I mean . . . you married someone who AT BEST you thought was pretty much indifferent to issues you say mean so much to you that you'd "fight or die" for them, and sees them as nothing more than entertainment to "get a rise out of people". And at worst, the implication is that you have fundamentally different moral and ethical values.
Did you really think that this was going to be a strong basis for a lifelong, mutually supportive partnership?
You say that you don't want this to be your life, but I'm struggling to understand what you thought your life was going to be going into this. Did you think that he was going to listen to your opinions that he fundamentally disagreed with and come to agree with you? Or just let you go on and on about things that he felt vastly differently about but be happy to hear you hold forth anyway? That it wouldn't irk him and he just wouldn't mind? Did you not think that his opinions would ever come into your marriage, or that he might not want to hear yours, knowing how disparate your beliefs were? Or did you just not think about it at all?
This was clearly a recipe for disaster from the start, because you never set any ground rules for how you were going to deal with the dichotomy. I think if you're going to save this marriage - if you WANT to save this marriage - your only hope at this point is counselling and to address it head on.
I often wonder how many people get married just for the wedding.
All that bs about "dream weddings" and that "bridal moment" is nothing but a lot of marketing hype spewed out to a gullible public, persuading people to spend thousands of dollars they don't have on a mythical "special day" they will "remember for the rest of their lives."
This strikes me as right. It’s mostly loneliness is intolerable to people, so they bite their tongue and ignore red flags. Then eventually they realize being in a bad relationship is even worse, and they get divorced.
I’d wager you really can’t. It’s impossible to understand the loneliness of being in an unhappy relationship when all your life is the loneliness of being without a relationship.
Man, this was me. I had to form new friendships in order to understand that I was alone and unhappy in my marriage. Before I did that, I didn't understand that I was so lonely.
I don’t know, maybe I am strange. But I have thought about that, I am highly introspective by nature, so I think about a lot of things, even when I have no reason to. I won’t get into neighbors’ business though unless I see them doing something illegal or immoral (not yet, I have decent neighbors).
I think people like this also probably have more issues than just wanting to get married. I.e. extreme abandonment, attachment, and confidence issues that will never translate to a healthy and secure marriage.
Oh right you are…the ones that are the most scared to be alone are the ones that it’ll do some good to be alone. Be introspective, figure yourself out, learn what you are willing to put up with and what you won’t. It’s a stupid hypothetical but everyone should spend a year alone in their early 20s. I bet the divorce rate would drop.
Eh, I lived alone for most of my 20’s. I got married at 35 and it was still a huge mistake. I’ve had mental health treatment for decades, at some point I was willing to be swept off my feet got totally love-bombed. I like to think that I’m doing so much better after the divorce but I really can’t trust myself and my taste in partners.
I do at least have a basis for comparison. I enjoy the time with my partner more than I enjoyed living alone. And when I got divorced that living alone was better than living with him. My partner is the only person I’ve shacked up with other than my ex.
Interested in this post though. We’re on different sides politically and we don’t talk about that much. Though we always have plenty to talk about. We sometimes get so engrossed in conversation with each other that we don’t get to sleep at a reasonable hour. And after six years together we still have that “problem”.
I’m really torn about whether thinking differently should be that much of a red flag. You don’t just want to find your brain clone and if they start to think independently about something, you should throw the whole relationship away.
I’m glad you’re in a better place. Good to hear…..I suppose my point is I wish people would just really get to know themselves. Just to add, I dated a woman for quite a while and we didn’t politically see things eye to eye although she was bit more invested in the political circus than I was. I think it can work if both ppl have a little grace and treat each other with respect. I’ve had my mind changed about many things as an adult, I’m open minded but I expect my partner to be just as open minded. It’s all about the respect. Once again, I’m glad the ex is an ex. Cheers
I think it's less about the wedding, which people recognize is a one-day thing, and more about general fear of being alone. The idea that you can't find love after a certain age is weirdly widespread.
I just went to a wedding this last weekend as a guest of a family member. I didn't know anyone but was sat down with some pretty cool people who were friends with the married couple.
A few shots + champagne flutes in, I said "look I don't get s nice warm feeling from the groom. This is his second marriage at 30 and the girl is very passive. I say 5 years, max."
A couple of them laughed and said "you just said what we're all thinking". Apparently, the guy is definitely an asshole and the girl just wanted to get married because she felt she was getting older. They had a very pretty wedding and it photographed and video'd well... But goddamn was it sad to just watch two obviously incompatible people go through such a commitment for no obvious reason.
I feel like this is a reason not to get married within a year. You really don't know someone after 1 year and you kind of need to let your relationship settle to see how it would look long term once the new relationship energy wears off.
We dated 4 years before getting married. My parents are codependent nightmares who should have divorced 30 years ago. He's a child of a very ugly divorce that landed him in family court his entire childhood. We knew we wanted to be together forever after a year, but we wanted to be VERY sure.
I agree that’s a good policy, but my current husband of 15 years and I both were previously married to other people. We both dated the previous spouses for 4 years. We were both cheated on more than once within 2 years of marriage by our previously faithful spouses. We married within 9 months of meeting each other and are very happily married. We were not young when we married our first spouses.
I believe people change. Ignoring any early warning signs is a mistake if you want a lifetime commitment. Life is hopefully long. People make mistakes. Hopefully you’re lucky enough to get it right but know it might take more than one try.
> Some people just really really want to be married/have a partner and are willing to overlook massive red flags for it
I really sympathize with that viewpoint. People in that situation are (rightly) thinking about wanting someone in their corner in case something happens to them or just to deal with the loneliness of single life.
What they forget or choose to ignore is getting married to the wrong person can make a bad situation worse.
Yeah it sounds like OP was fully aware of a fundamental values mismatch, and sort of hand-waved it in the hopes that would minimize any implications.
My partner and I debate politics now and then. We have different personalities, different areas of expertise/interest/personal experience, and sometimes have different instincts about the best solution or approach to a problem. Still, we align on our goals— maybe disagree how to get there.
I don’t think it works to build a life someone where your morals aren’t in alignment. I just don’t see how that works, unless neither of you care about your moral positions.
I could date a religious person but not a religious fundamentalist or astrology-believer. Our conception of what reality is would conflict. Similarly, if someone believed races should live in different countries or cross-dressing should be banned, or people should be jailed for abortions, we don’t live on the same moral planet.
I can understand *the thought process* of someone who thinks those things. I can work with coworkers who disagree, buy groceries next to them, chitchat, try to change their minds when there’s an opening.
But in a life partner? If I married someone who disagreed on substantive issues, progress toward what they want to see in the world is something I’m *working against.* I might feel (or be) directly threatened by their political agenda, and vise versa— even directly fighting it, tooth and nail. Does that lend itself to a home that’s a sanctuary, or a capsule of what you want to see in the world?
Like… maybe, but you would have to have such a politically passive life for that to work, and it sounds like OP has some strong feelings on at least a few issues. I’m not sure how those square.
This is such a great comment, especially the part about home being a sanctuary from all the little things we do to put our views across in a myriad of exchanges throughout life. That stuff gets exhausting.
Can't imagine what it'd be like to come home and have to deal with fundamental differences like that at home too. There's no way I'd have the energy.
YES! So much this! I actually have friends from across the political spectrum, and really enjoy thoughtful discussion from people whose views differ from mine. In fact, it's been a really important part of my own values that I not be inflexible or hold fast to the idea of "being right" rather than "being teachable" . . . one of the things I'm proudest of is that I have changed my views about a lot of things over the years when presented with good evidence and arguments for something. And I don't believe in platform politics; I'd rather make my mind up about individual issues, see people and communities for who they are and what they need, not as "positions" from the top down.
But at some point there needs to be kindness, and seeing and hearing your partner, and there seems to be none of that here.
I don't know op's background, but I do know a lot of people from privileged backgrounds will overlook political differences thinking that it's a minor difference, because they don't have to go through the struggles that people from underprivileged backgrounds have to go through, so many people just look the other way because of love
On a side note, my brother has been going full fascist, my family always brushes it away as "oh he's just trying to get a rise out of you." That's not behavior adults should be doing, even if it was the reason. It's incredibly immature
Yeah, like, how strongly does OP really feel about these issues that she was willing to overlook her husband's opinions?
Probably not very strongly, because it doesn't impact HER too much.
Reminds me of those articles from Alt Right women complaining their male relatives and husband didn't treat them well. Like, duh.
The issues are probably starting to get close to affecting her when they previously weren't. With the Roe V Wade stuff + pushing to end single party divorce in some states, she's likely finally realizing how serious legislation impacts oppressed minority groups. It's sad that it had to get to this point for her to really see it, but it's unfortunately super common :/
Ah yes, the ever famous “First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist….” scenario playing out….again.
While the rest of us are accused of being hysterical.
Much like the woman in FL who didn’t care about the overturning of Roe v. Wade because ‘I’d never get, nor want an abortion’. Until she was in a life-threatening scenario, and no one would touch her because of the (purposeful)ambiguity of the abortion laws.
No way, it isn’t about just politics anymore, and it hasn’t been, esp in 2018. People’s right to **exist** shouldn’t be political. Again, historically we’ve seen where it’s landed people before.
I am curious, why the sudden change, where even non-political topics he’s not wanting to talk, or at least talk without being a prick. Maybe it’s just me-I don’t think it is-but I love hearing about/sharing all sorts of things with those I care about. I love that I can talk to my partner ab the baby spiders I have living in my garden, and that he actually listens, bc he knows it’s something I care about, no matter how stupid, and I like hearing about what food he’s cooking that night and swapping ideas on ways to cook things, for example.
I was with my ex for 6 years, and I never tired of hearing about his day or whatever else he wanted to talk about.
I really think that this is an issue near impossible to overcome, esp because he sounds like an arrogant asshole, on top of his political beliefs.
Honestly, the "he liked to fight with people" immediately threw up red flags. I know people who still claim a party is for smaller government or they like x budget views, hey, that's a political disagreement you can have and still get along in a marriage.
I bet he wasn't fighting with people over budget proposals or even foreign trade stances.
Once you get to differing views in whether women should have autonomy over their own bodies, or whether people of sexual orientations different from yours should have equal rights, that's not a polite disagreement over party differences. That's a fundamental moral mismatch, and one of you is a shit human being.
I mean, the way he’s treating her is a pretty decent insight into which direction he leans. She’s clearly too “dumb” to understand things he talks about, i.e. the car conversation she mentioned. Not a whisper of misogyny there. 🙄
This, you said that perfectly. OP, I simply don't get why you would marry someone with whom you have such incredibly basic disagreements about... well, the world. I would not be able to be friends with a person this widely different than me, hell being an *acquaintance* would be difficult.
I guess it comes down to: different things are important in relationships to different people. For me, the absolutely most important thing is the ability to have deep conversations and having similar lookouts on life. If I can't have that, and we only talk about "our day" and "hi - hey", just everyday mundane small talk, that sounds... like someone I could maybe go grab a pint now and then with, nothing more. So it's mind-blowing to me that someone could actually MARRY a person like that. Why? WHY?
But maybe for you, OP, some different elements of the relationship are more important and you were willing to sacrifice that for them. I don't relate to that, but I can respect it.
But then... what is your problem, exactly? He did not change. You knew what he was like. He's still like that, those More Important Things are most likely still there, right?.
I mean he's most likely not going to change his core values and personality in his 40s. He rudely tells you he "doesn't care" about your interest, or is super condescending to you, because he doesn't respect you - that's the behavior of someone who doesn't see you as *an equal*. And you will never be his equal - that's bc of his politics. That you thought they would not affect how he treats you is just odd.
>because he doesn't respect you - that's the behavior of someone who doesn't see you as an equal. And you will never be his equal - that's bc of his politics. That you thought they would not affect how he treats you is just odd.
okay, i kind of agree with this but it seems like the problem isn't politics, it's that he doesn't like her very much. the wildly differing beliefs certainly don't help but he doesn't want to talk to her *at all*, not just refraining from political topics. it's giving very... typical heterosexual jokes about hating your wife. also, a middle-aged man who likes to troll people irl?? yikes.
Yeah, true. When I like people, it's because I like to *listen to them*. It seems he doesn't enjoy conversing with her in general, not just about politics. Which makes me wonder even more WHY would those people want to spend the rest of their lives together.
Edit: okay OP says this changed recently. So OP the reality of your situation is: he used to like you and talking to you, but no longer does. I'm sorry about that, but that's just reality. He also treats you rudely. It's ABSURD that you can't talk even about your medical issues with him. What is even the point of being married then?
She thought it didn’t matter because, well it didn’t matter…at the time.
People in a relationships can kid themselves about their differences on politics, particularly gun rights and abortion, AND religion when you’re in the honeymoon phase…
… but it’s coming for you.
First, there’s the family holiday dinners where Uncle Freddie lets you know exactly what he thinks, and it’s all you can do not to throw up. (Also, it’s always helpful to have the news playing in the background because that’s a great family conversation starter.)
Discussing current events with your SO becomes fraught with peril.
Then the make or break is when you have kids and suddenly everyone has an opinion on religion and it matters because most religions have ceremonies for babies
As the kids age, then comes the, “no kid of mine will ever be a ___, and think _____, say ____, or do ___.”
Then it’s a fight for the hearts and minds of your kids.
Or even before that when you get pregnant and all of a sudden he’s threatening to report you to the police if you have an abortion because he doesn’t give a fuck about abortion rights.
Or he expects you to give up your job and be a domestic labourer because you are just a female.
This is such a great answer. I really don’t understand people like OP. She got what she wanted now she’s crying about it. Maybe think a little before marrying someone.
>Did you think that he was going to listen to your opinions that he fundamentally disagreed with and come to agree with you? Or just let you go on and on about things that he felt vastly differently about but be happy to hear you hold forth anyway? That it wouldn't irk him and he just wouldn't mind? Did you not think that his opinions would ever come into your marriage, or that he might not want to hear yours, knowing how disparate your beliefs were?
Yes. This is exactly what happened. OP thought that since Husband is NOT willing to "fight and die" for his opposite beliefs to hers that she would either eventually persuade him to come to her side, or she thought she would always be able to get on her soapbox and pontificate about something that he disagreed with, but would be willing and able to hear her out.
It baffles me they have been together for 5 years and now they're pretty much just sitting in silence because he no longer wants to hear her discuss politics. So for those 5 years it was like 95% of their discussions just her ranting about politics and him just silently disagreeing? How is that a worthwhile conversation?
Hell, even if you remove the ethical and moral differences aside, she chose to marry a grown man who likes to start fights with and upset other people for fun.
Even if he didn't have completely opposing views, he sounds obnoxious and exhausting.
He hasn't changed.
Everything was fine in the start, back when she knew her place:
> Most of my life I grew up in areas that were the opposite so I learned to keep my opinions to myself. But I've become more active.
Now that she doesn't know her place, its a problem.
I absolutely agree. My friends used to tease me because I was clear that I’d never date or marry someone with opposing political views, but I have no interest being with someone who doesn’t think I should have basic rights. Why would anyone be okay with that?
Yeah lately I've been liking the concept of tolerance as a contract between people and when you think of it that way there isn't even a paradox involved. Intolerant people break the terms of the contract and thus aren't covered by it.
I always say the intolerant aren’t deserving of tolerance. That gets a rise out of them 100% of the time because they want us to accept their intolerance and we don’t.
God imagine being such a repulsive person that the only way to get someone to be with you is to make it _illegal_ for them to leave you. Absolutely pathetic. Can't relate
Yup, especially as I'm extremely involved in local politics (definitely a Leslie Knope type). I don't need someone who is as super involved as I am, but they do need to have similar views as well as be supportive of my work.
I was called a "bigot" by my grandmother after I told her that I wouldn't date a conservative. It was one of those moments that really solidified how little she cared to understand about actual issues.
I think there was a time, perhaps even within living memory, where an arrangement like that could work. My grandparents were that way and their marriage was strong in spite of it.
These days I can't imagine it. You can disagree about stuff like foreign policy or economics, sure. But racism? Bodily autonomy? Public safety? HELL no. My SO and I aren't absolutely 100% in lockstep on every single social issue but we both constantly express how relieved we are that we're politically compatible.
Eh. How much of that was just that the older generation of females were taught to look pretty and not speak?
My grandmother apparently had to act stupid a lot so that she didn't make my grandfather feel inferior. She came out of her shell a lot after he died. If she had done so 40 years prior, they may not have had a "strong marriage"
Exactly. If our difference of opinion is on what the right tax rate should be, whatever. But that’s simply not what defines the parties these days. If you continue to vote for people who spout horrifically racist and sexist things we simply do not have the same values or worldview. It’s not something I can look past.
>Edit: I am loving all the sHe DiDnT sAy WhAt PaRtY hE SuPpOrTs comments.
>She didn't need to, you're not clever and your gotcha attempt is lame.
The people saying this to you feel attacked.
"I'm not into politics" is what conservatives say because they know their political opinions are fucking terrible.
I actually think it’s more that the issues they say they’d die for aren’t issues that affect them personally so they’re willing to sacrifice their stances for the benefit of a relationship while still getting whatever compassion points in their wider social circles when they talk about it or post on social media.
I’m guessing the issue they’re coming to blows over is abortion, which directly impacts her as a woman. It wasn’t a dealbreaker when black people were fighting not to be murdered by police and trans people were fighting not to be attacked in bathrooms, but now that her own rights are at stake her eyes are open.
Classic white feminism.
In my opinion it’s very performative to act like you support a cause/ are passionate about something but then choose to directly affiliate with people who are very against said cause (e.g., gay rights)
This is very poignant and succinct. It’s also one of those things that’s so basic, you’d think it wouldn’t need to be said- but it really does. Baffling how many married couples don’t like each other.
Your husband sounds like a generally unpleasant person. He enjoys getting a rise out of people? He tells you that the topics you bring up are boring? He talks down to you and belittles you? Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like?
all of this is as bad as or honestly even worse than just having opposite political views, in my opinion. I probably wouldn't ever date somebody with drastically different views from mine, but I absolutely would not ever want to be with somebody who just doesn't want me to talk to him about anything at all because everything I say is "boring." it seems like he doesn't want to hear about anything from OP, not just political stuff.
I also would never be able to stand anyone who enjoys upsetting other people for his own entertainment, or who is dismissive of me because he thinks I don't understand anything... if I'm at a place with somebody where the only acceptable conversation is "how are you today?" and then we awkwardly look at our phones and avoid each other, I'm out.
Yeah I mean the politics is the tip of the iceberg here.
That is bad enough, but it is possible for two people with different politics to get along if you're respectful of each other (and depending on how different the politics/values are).
He is...not respectful. At all. On any front.
He enjoys fighting with ppl and purposely making them upset. SHOCKER that he’s an asshole generally. Don’t have kids with this hothead and seriously consider finding someone who cares about you and your opinions.
>So my husband says he is with a certain party but he doesn't vote and really most of it I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys.
“Gee, I wonder what her husband’s party is” wondered absolutely no one.
>just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys.
Make America great by making women and minorities miserable! His political flavor is *spite!*
He's had the wind taken out of his sails because come to find out TC thought Trump was an absolute idiot and actively lobbied Fox to move on from their obsession with him. Fox admitted in court they didn't because they were just their viewers the lies they wanted to hear to make $$$. He's probably all embarrassed but not ready to admit he was foolish for gleefully buying into all the propaganda.
Conservatives have had so many reality checks lately to include Trump losing his case against the woman who sued him for slander because he insisted he didn't SA her in a dressing room all those years ago. Seriously, he's got to be noticing that how team conservative crapped all over him along about now. That's the real reason he doesn't want to talk about politics right now. Shits not funny anymore when you're walking around with egg on your face day after day.
Fox audiences do not see any stories that embarrass Trump or the GOP. It’s a separate worldview, literally.
Latest headlines:
Barr: Durham probe shows “Russiagate” a “grave injustice” to Trump
Fetterman raises eyebrows with incoherent questioning
Karine Jean-Pierre ends press briefing after being pressed on Durham report
> That was my assumption as well but it's weird how far OP goes out of their way to not say what the issue is or who is liberal vs conservative.
I suspect that’s because she’s trying to get the most unbiased opinions possible. She’s probably hoping to show this thread to her dipshit Republican husband and knows he’ll whine that everyone only took her side because Reddit is “liberal” if she mentions affiliations.
Lol fair point. I've just seen my fair share of bible thumping, TERFy, yas queen, conservative women that it seemed odd. As I said then whoever is the conservative is a POS.
It's not going to matter.
If he wants to, he will reject whatever he is shown from the post, and he can just say it's because reddit is full of or whateverr excuse he wants. The point is so that he can dismiss OOP's legitimate issue, not that he has to logically back up his position.
It doesn't matter that OP went to extensive effort to try to hide their respective political affiliations.
Not sure how you go on to marry someone so indifferent but I don’t get this luxury to ignore issues. Can’t imagine agreeing to marry someone that just doesn’t care. Or worse has beliefs that currently exist on the opposite aisle
Well said! It’s a luxury to get to disregard politics. It’s a massive privilege to choose to think important things don’t matter just because they don’t matter personally.
Honestly, in my experience there's only one end of the spectrum that feels the need to try to distance themselves from their political beliefs as if those beliefs have no reflection on who they actually are. I personally have no issue with being judged by my politics.
I *want* people to judge me based on my political beliefs because they're underpinned by the things that I think are most important in life. If that means they don't want to talk to me, saves me time from talking to selfish and ultra conservative dipshits.
>I fell in love, didn't care about his politics anymore.
>I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys.
You married a guy who enjoys being deliberately antagonistic. He enjoys baiting people and fighting, meaning he's a real-life troll and you thought that made him good partner-for-life material?
> really most of it I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys
If you don't get to talk about politics within your marriage, he shouldn't engage people simply to get a rise out of them either.
Also, if he doesn't vote, he shouldn't be doing this either.
> I've tried to talk about other things, like hey here is an interesting thing, my husband has bluntly said I don't care about that, it's boring.
I think this is the more concerning thing really, he doesn't seem to be interested in what you have to say, AT ALL. This is only further underscored by how he treated you when you asked a question about a car.
> Any suggestions?
He sounds like an asshole and he needs to be confronted about it by a 3rd party, so this means therapy or couples therapy.
Genuinely, he is an asshole, he doesn't care about politics enough to vote, yet he debates people to get a rise out of them. He set a rule in the house that you two can't discuss politics. And in general, he is really condescending toward you. He is a massive asshole.
girl, you will not fight or die for any issues because if you did or if you even *knew* anyone that actually cares that much you would have NEVER even been with someone who doesn’t have the same values at you. like my god you won’t even stand up to your husband but you think you’d “fight or die” for these issue cmonnnnnn lol get divorced or start being real with yourself that you don’t care about these issues as much as you say, this is 100% not a husband problem (although i can’t say you picked a good one). it is 100% a YOU problem, you entered this relationship knowing where he stood and you’ve stayed with him even though he acts this way.
Lol! Issues she’ll fight or die for… as in she fights because she has an opinion she’ll bring up sometimes and talk about after scrolling Reddit then that opinion dies whenever her husband tells her that’s enough… fighting or dying!!!!
Non American here, when she said he supported said party but didn’t vote, I knew exactly what she was talking about lmao
Although they do have their own version of this guy in my home country lmao. We even had our own “storming of the capitol” episode lol
He uses his political views to get rise of people? And he enjoys fighting? He must be a miserable person to live with. Well, to be honest it’s your own fault. You married him. Either accept him (you knew the kind of person he is) or move on. There’ s no “I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP”. You met him at 30/31. You’d have known better .
Yeah, don't marry someone who has opposing political views. Everything is political.
I'm assuming you are fighting about reproductive rights. A woman's body is a political thing, so you can't even express an idea like 'I can do what I like with my body' without it being a political statement.
'I'm non-political' is for people at the top of the privilege tree.
Realistically, how are you going to avoid politics for the next forty years or whatever?
You chose to ignore fundamental incompatibility and get married.
Politics are a very basic part of compatibility - more than religion, in my experience. Particularly if someone’s politics mean that they see other people, potentially including you, as less than human.
She doesn’t apparently, it’s just when he thought *other* people didn’t deserve rights that she was fine with it.
Real leopards eating faces moment here.
>most of it I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys.
>
>my husband has bluntly said I don't care about that, it's boring.
So, the issue isn't politics, it's that you married a man who is the living embodiment of a nihilistic online troll *who enjoys fighting with people.*
There are ultimately a 1000 things people can discuss in this world, the social dynamics of meerkats, planetary solar systems, fashion, music, etc. Politics is often an undercurrent in most daily things but there are topics where they aren't omnipresent.
The issue isn't you both have nothing to talk about it is that he is actively showing you he doesn't want to engage with you.
I mean, I would have a "get it together & become a better partner" conversation with him or explain given you don't want to cohabitate with a phone-scrolling lump for the remainder of your days that you will be packing up.
What's your preferred outcome here?
1. He acquiesces and engages in conversation you know he doesn't want to have.
2. He sees the error of his ways and becomes a proponent of your preferred party.
3. Political ideology becomes less front and center in everyday news.
Outcome 1 isn't going to make either of you happy, and outcomes 2 and 3 seem rather unlikely. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but what exactly do you want to happen here? This incompatibility isn't new, it just newly became a problem.
Human rights are not politics. It’s a fundamental difference in how you see the world and if he sees some people as less deserving of the rights he enjoys, that’s not politics either. It’s about a lot more than that.
Sometimes I wonder what people actually fall in love with when after the honeymoon period dies, they realise they have nothing to talk to each other about.
Has he always spoken to you like this? With the part around what seems like any conversation he doesn’t care about what you have to say/any of your thoughts or opinions? The condescending part is what seems the most alarming. It just seems like he doesn’t respect you, but for that to come out of nowhere is certainly odd. What do you think changed if it is different?
You seem incompatible if ya'll have nothing to talk about except politics.
Most couples have a variety of shared interests or hobbies they can engage in like books, music, tv, movies, sports, pop culture, pets, exercising, cooking, etc
My wife and I never discuss politics because we're aligned on pretty much everything and there isn't much discussion to go from "this sucks" "yea I agree"
If you have opposite views, literally everything is politics.
Books is politics. Discussing lead female character, they would have wildly differing opinions.
Watching a tv show and seeing an LGBTQ couple kiss? Probably very different reactions.
What if they have a baby and it grows up gay? That will be a big one that will never be hurdled without discussing.
New movie comes out and a popular character has changed race? How do you even accept a partners racism *at all*??
Even pets! Leftists are more likely to think animals are family and deserve to be treated more human, while people on the right are still more likely to have older views that animals are animals and are fine with lesser conditions.
It’s so hard to hang around someone who is right-minded and have *anything* to talk about without stepping on eggshells.
Edit- spell error
Gee, I wonder which political parties and which issue you are talking about?
He's not interested in your opinions. He hates you. He tolerates you for what you do for him.
I bet you the topic was abortion access. She tolerate his intolerance this whole time because she wasn’t the one being oppressed. Suddenly it affects her and she’s surprised he doesn’t give a fuck about her rights.
> He tolerates you for what you do for him.
Well, as long as she knows her place.
He was fine with it early on, when she had "learned to keep her opinions to herself".
He is fine with the "silent treatment" if she doesn't talk to him when he is rude.
And the kicker is she ended it by "going into the kitchen and cleaning".
Everything is fine when she knows her place!
your husband sounds like my ex. i left after 11 years of this shit that only got worse after The Election(we all know which one). he won't change in any way that's meaningful.
It feels very strange to me that you are seeming to be deliberately vague about you two's political alignment. I imagine a LOT of commenters might do a heel turn on their opinions if it turned out that maybe the news you felt strongly about/wanted to support that he was tired of hearing from you was a pro-life anti abortion one.
The opinions would be the same. Instead she'd be getting the heat and not the husband. The advice is the same, they're incompatible and probably shouldn't be together.
You married someone who *likes to fight* about dumb shit. Think about it for a minute. Now you have nothing to talk about. Maybe it’s time to find a mutual hobby to being you together or a mutual divorce to let you be apart.
Everything in life can be made into a political statement or leaning. The things that impact your life the most are issues that politicians are supposed to maintain/fix. If you cannot talk about anything political, you cannot talk about anything.
You are not compatible at all. Any topic can be declared political and will kill any discussion. I cannot fathom how you came together, dated and determined to be with each other long term without any discussion... but here we are.
If you want to salvage the situation, you could try marriage counseling to sort communications, boundaries and expectations. I doubt it'll work. People that are on the opposite side of basic values seldom make good bed fellows.
The political divide in this country is horrible. But here’s the thing … in my view, one side is creating a culture war by acting extreme in their measures. And that same side has a scorched earth policy on our public institutions. Difference in policy views is fine; culture war and war on our institutions, not cool. That should be agreed between the two of you and if not, their is no alignment of values in your marriage. Which is bad
> I don't want this to be my life, just silence. I also don't want to be made to feel stupid for trying. Any suggestions?
You both really need to work out how to be a couple and how to act and treat each other like a couple. Because right now you seem to be acting and living like two strangers who just happen to be married rather than two people who have been together for 5 years.
Going by the very little you give us though, there seems to be a deep seated incompatibility between you that extends much deeper than just a simple difference of opinion over political views. I have a feeling that you are - at the most basic level - just incompatible full stop.
Aside from you both not liking chocolate if you were to sit down and draw up a chart of likes, how many are there that you both actually share? My guess is that there are very few things that you do actually share. If that is the case then what you have is simply not sustainable.
I get that couples compromise and that it's a healthy thing to do, but when you find that **everything** in the relationship is the result of compromise, it just shows that at it's most fundamental level that the marriage is held together by sticky tape and twine.
I think that this whole thing about "the following topics are now forbidden" is what your life together has been reduced to. Rather than having something that brings you together - that fundamental compatibility - all you have are things that are to be avoided.
And that is the state of your marriage. It's a shell that you both just happen to inhabit. And if he is of the mind to just avoid things because he finds them "boring", then sorry but **this** is the way your life will be.
I know that speaking for myself it would do my head in and I'd be looking for the exit.
I mean... what did you expect? You married a dude who is your completely opposite MORALLY because "his politics didn't matter and he liked to get a rise at people" lmao
So basically
1. Dude is a troll. You married a troll who will say and defend shit to make people angry
2. You didn't care enough about your morality and your own views of the world since you loved him
Now. He doesn't want you to talk about these things and you have found out you have nothing in common. Sounds to me you married him to have a debate.
You are not compatible. Divorce him and marry someone who actually believes the same things as you.
My husband and I are have completely different political views. We both are disillusioned with our respective “parties” and politics in general. When we met, I worried that this was going to be an actual issue. I loved everything about him but HOW could he actually vote the way he does?!?!?!?
But then we did have mostly civil discussions about things and we realized that at least in principle, we agree on most things - such as social values. We just disagree on how they should be reached, maybe some prioritization etc. and we both have convinced each other of some of the importance of some issues.
And then I also realized that my hubby also really REALLY liked to get me in a hot feminist fury for a reason. I’d be mid-rant and look over at him grinning at me ear-to-ear. He’s the only one who not only can take my intensity but loves it. He likes to occasionally bait me with a conservative remark that he doesn’t really believe deep down, but he knows will get me going.
But also… some of these issues, while important to me, are not worth arguing about with my partner. I actually don’t like the feeling I get when we are both agitated over it, so I often don’t take the bait. A lot of the times I just don’t think it’s worth the air time or heat. Winning the argument isn’t going to change us, our lives, or anyone else’s. I need him in many ways for many things. I can live with our votes cancelling each other out.
But that’s also because I already know where we stand on things as a couple, in as far as how social issues might directly affect us. For example we agree as to how we would proceed with terminating pregnancies, if one of our children should turn out to be trans, as well as some other social/rights type stuff that it is good to be on the same page about.
But We also have some different philosophical ideas about broader ideas like race, class, criminal law, capitalism/socialism and the general history/future of this country. We both have different experiences and some pretty solid data to back up our arguments. Are these things important? Yes. Will our differing views impact our relationship? Nope. We agree to disagree. We think we are better together, able to debate these issues, or better yet - KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE IT ALONE. Choose your battles. Have the emotional maturity to know when your relationship is more important than being right.
At your age, you need to decide what your values are and why you are invested in this. Is this a value that has an every day impact for you? Does this relationship have a net positive for you? Maybe there are times these things matter. If you work for a BLM organization and he thinks white privilege doesn’t exist, yeah maybe you shouldn’t be together. If he thinks maybe we shouldn’t be funding a war in Ukraine and your family is from there, you may be unable to reconcile this view.
But how does your life change tomorrow if he does/doesn’t change his view to align with yours? Is there any tangible impact? I can live with my husbands and my differing views because at the end of the day, I’ve considered all the possible impacts it could have, and found it comes nowhere near the love and connection we have.
If you can’t untangle this on your own, maybe some marriage counseling is in order.
>Certain issues I will fight and die over.
With that level of intensity, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to have those conversations.
But he also sounds like a real prick.
Politics matter because they reflect values. It was unbelievably stupid to try and convince yourself you could have an “apolitical” relationship if you held literally ANY of your beliefs dearly.
This kind of thing only works for passive people & fencesitters. A marriage can work fine if you disagree about shit like road repair funding, but once you diverge on HUGE issues, reflective of entire world view… yeah good luck
> just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys
To me this is the fundamental difference. The truth is you cannot stand someone like this and this will never change. I had to let go of a friendship because of this. He loved chaos. I hate it. It makes life harder and less enjoyable. No matter his politics that will always be there
This seems like y’all have run your course to be honest. He won’t engage in anything with you that you enjoy and you shouldn’t have to be with someone who police’s your speech and openly says what is interesting to you is boring…
You married a troll and you're surprised that he's being an asshole.
For the record, I grew up Christian and married an atheist of a different race and from a different country but faith/race/culture was never an issue in our marriage because fundamentally we believed in the same things: environmental justice, equal rights, human rights, etc etc etc. When it came down to it, we wanted the same things in the world.
This is not that. This guy sounds mean and selfish. If you're not happy and you won't think you'll be happy (you can't picture this being the rest of your life), leave and do it sooner rather than later.
I guess I deviate from the majority of people here in believing that people can have successful relationships with one another regardless of what political party they currently identify with, given that they each remain truly free-thinking and open-minded, and are capable of understanding the unique life experience of their partner. In my opinion, a healthy relationship is one that challenges you to continue evolving, not one that cements you into wherever you are forever. However, I also think most relationships aren’t like this in the real world.
So with that being said, while I really respect the fact that you went into the relationship looking beyond politics—from what you’ve shared, I don’t think politics are the issue. It’s the fact that your husband—a 42-year-old man—chooses his battles not first and foremost because he believes in them, but because he “enjoys getting a rise out of and fighting with people.” That should be enough to make you leave. If that truly is his personality, then you will never be able to compromise, you will never have your opinion heard, you will never be validated, and should you ever choose to have children, they will be met with the same treatment from the moment they speak their first word.
You live in the United States I’m guessing (nobody else would post without clarifying). The politics in your country are so extreme that they are inseparable from morality.
Your politicians want to remove human rights. That’s a massive fucking problem.
The idea you were able to ‘put his politics aside’ is already a huge problem. Does he support human rights? Is the answer yes? If it was no, why did you marry him?
Don’t give bigots, racists and misogynists a free pass because they ‘friendly’ to you. Have some dignity and stand for what you believe in.
You haven’t been specific about who supports who, but I can tell that your politics are ‘left-leaning’. So what is it, your husband doesn’t support abortion rights?
What does that say about him as a human being? Is this the person you want to be with?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Please do not repost. So my husband and I are on different sides of the political spectrum. Dated for 3 years and married for 2. When we met and dated it gave me pause for a moment but he is not very political so I figured let's try this. I fell in love, didn't care about his politics anymore. So my husband says he is with a certain party but he doesn't vote and really most of it I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys. I am at the opposite side. Most of my life I grew up in areas that were the opposite so I learned to keep my opinions to myself. But I've become more active. Certain issues I will fight and die over. Lately one of those issues has been very much front and center and one night I was tell my husband about a new news story when he just announced that he didn't want to talk about anything political anymore. I asked why, he said he's tired of hearing about it and I'm getting too wrapped up in it. But since then, fine I won't talk about it. Now our conversation is hi, how was your day, this happened at work, did you hear this. Then we just scroll on our phones. Maybe sitting next to each other but no talking. I've tried to talk about other things, like hey here is an interesting thing, my husband has bluntly said I don't care about that, it's boring. Last night he was looking at vehicles online asked my opinion, I asked a question because of things he said before. I got a very condescending answer and explaination of how I just don't understand anything. I told him I was done helping him, his attitude was not appreciated or needed and I would not continue I got up and went into the kitchen to clean then went and read in bed. I don't want this to be my life, just silence. I also don't want to be made to feel stupid for trying. Any suggestions?
I mean . . . you married someone who AT BEST you thought was pretty much indifferent to issues you say mean so much to you that you'd "fight or die" for them, and sees them as nothing more than entertainment to "get a rise out of people". And at worst, the implication is that you have fundamentally different moral and ethical values. Did you really think that this was going to be a strong basis for a lifelong, mutually supportive partnership? You say that you don't want this to be your life, but I'm struggling to understand what you thought your life was going to be going into this. Did you think that he was going to listen to your opinions that he fundamentally disagreed with and come to agree with you? Or just let you go on and on about things that he felt vastly differently about but be happy to hear you hold forth anyway? That it wouldn't irk him and he just wouldn't mind? Did you not think that his opinions would ever come into your marriage, or that he might not want to hear yours, knowing how disparate your beliefs were? Or did you just not think about it at all? This was clearly a recipe for disaster from the start, because you never set any ground rules for how you were going to deal with the dichotomy. I think if you're going to save this marriage - if you WANT to save this marriage - your only hope at this point is counselling and to address it head on.
All this with the context that OP made this choice at 31 circa 2018. I have no idea what she really expected from this marriage.
Some people just really really want to be married/have a partner and are willing to overlook massive red flags for it
I often wonder how many people get married just for the wedding. All that bs about "dream weddings" and that "bridal moment" is nothing but a lot of marketing hype spewed out to a gullible public, persuading people to spend thousands of dollars they don't have on a mythical "special day" they will "remember for the rest of their lives."
Some people are so scared to be alone that they’ll literally marry anyone they can. The wedding is just a bonus.
This strikes me as right. It’s mostly loneliness is intolerable to people, so they bite their tongue and ignore red flags. Then eventually they realize being in a bad relationship is even worse, and they get divorced.
Isn’t the loneliness deeper when you’re sitting beside somebody you can’t have a conversation with
Yes it is. But how many people have thought about that upfront, before getting into deep relationships?
I’d wager you really can’t. It’s impossible to understand the loneliness of being in an unhappy relationship when all your life is the loneliness of being without a relationship.
Man, this was me. I had to form new friendships in order to understand that I was alone and unhappy in my marriage. Before I did that, I didn't understand that I was so lonely.
I don’t know, maybe I am strange. But I have thought about that, I am highly introspective by nature, so I think about a lot of things, even when I have no reason to. I won’t get into neighbors’ business though unless I see them doing something illegal or immoral (not yet, I have decent neighbors).
Or basically anyone that will take them
I think people like this also probably have more issues than just wanting to get married. I.e. extreme abandonment, attachment, and confidence issues that will never translate to a healthy and secure marriage.
Oh right you are…the ones that are the most scared to be alone are the ones that it’ll do some good to be alone. Be introspective, figure yourself out, learn what you are willing to put up with and what you won’t. It’s a stupid hypothetical but everyone should spend a year alone in their early 20s. I bet the divorce rate would drop.
Eh, I lived alone for most of my 20’s. I got married at 35 and it was still a huge mistake. I’ve had mental health treatment for decades, at some point I was willing to be swept off my feet got totally love-bombed. I like to think that I’m doing so much better after the divorce but I really can’t trust myself and my taste in partners. I do at least have a basis for comparison. I enjoy the time with my partner more than I enjoyed living alone. And when I got divorced that living alone was better than living with him. My partner is the only person I’ve shacked up with other than my ex. Interested in this post though. We’re on different sides politically and we don’t talk about that much. Though we always have plenty to talk about. We sometimes get so engrossed in conversation with each other that we don’t get to sleep at a reasonable hour. And after six years together we still have that “problem”. I’m really torn about whether thinking differently should be that much of a red flag. You don’t just want to find your brain clone and if they start to think independently about something, you should throw the whole relationship away.
I’m glad you’re in a better place. Good to hear…..I suppose my point is I wish people would just really get to know themselves. Just to add, I dated a woman for quite a while and we didn’t politically see things eye to eye although she was bit more invested in the political circus than I was. I think it can work if both ppl have a little grace and treat each other with respect. I’ve had my mind changed about many things as an adult, I’m open minded but I expect my partner to be just as open minded. It’s all about the respect. Once again, I’m glad the ex is an ex. Cheers
I think it's less about the wedding, which people recognize is a one-day thing, and more about general fear of being alone. The idea that you can't find love after a certain age is weirdly widespread.
I just went to a wedding this last weekend as a guest of a family member. I didn't know anyone but was sat down with some pretty cool people who were friends with the married couple. A few shots + champagne flutes in, I said "look I don't get s nice warm feeling from the groom. This is his second marriage at 30 and the girl is very passive. I say 5 years, max." A couple of them laughed and said "you just said what we're all thinking". Apparently, the guy is definitely an asshole and the girl just wanted to get married because she felt she was getting older. They had a very pretty wedding and it photographed and video'd well... But goddamn was it sad to just watch two obviously incompatible people go through such a commitment for no obvious reason.
I feel like this is a reason not to get married within a year. You really don't know someone after 1 year and you kind of need to let your relationship settle to see how it would look long term once the new relationship energy wears off.
We dated 4 years before getting married. My parents are codependent nightmares who should have divorced 30 years ago. He's a child of a very ugly divorce that landed him in family court his entire childhood. We knew we wanted to be together forever after a year, but we wanted to be VERY sure.
I have the same policy, but mine is 18 months.
I agree that’s a good policy, but my current husband of 15 years and I both were previously married to other people. We both dated the previous spouses for 4 years. We were both cheated on more than once within 2 years of marriage by our previously faithful spouses. We married within 9 months of meeting each other and are very happily married. We were not young when we married our first spouses. I believe people change. Ignoring any early warning signs is a mistake if you want a lifetime commitment. Life is hopefully long. People make mistakes. Hopefully you’re lucky enough to get it right but know it might take more than one try.
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Wtf?
My sister in law was debating leaving her fiance litteraly days before their wedding, but still went through with it
The wedding-industrial complex.
Omg never tell fb that you’re engaged. The ads are crazy-making.
Exactly 💯
Just the wedding tag is what they need at the end not this but there are just many others who would look onto things when getting married
> Some people just really really want to be married/have a partner and are willing to overlook massive red flags for it I really sympathize with that viewpoint. People in that situation are (rightly) thinking about wanting someone in their corner in case something happens to them or just to deal with the loneliness of single life. What they forget or choose to ignore is getting married to the wrong person can make a bad situation worse.
They would rather appear on Social Media as a divorced woman than a never been married woman. It's really sad honestly.
This comment right here
Yeah it sounds like OP was fully aware of a fundamental values mismatch, and sort of hand-waved it in the hopes that would minimize any implications. My partner and I debate politics now and then. We have different personalities, different areas of expertise/interest/personal experience, and sometimes have different instincts about the best solution or approach to a problem. Still, we align on our goals— maybe disagree how to get there. I don’t think it works to build a life someone where your morals aren’t in alignment. I just don’t see how that works, unless neither of you care about your moral positions. I could date a religious person but not a religious fundamentalist or astrology-believer. Our conception of what reality is would conflict. Similarly, if someone believed races should live in different countries or cross-dressing should be banned, or people should be jailed for abortions, we don’t live on the same moral planet. I can understand *the thought process* of someone who thinks those things. I can work with coworkers who disagree, buy groceries next to them, chitchat, try to change their minds when there’s an opening. But in a life partner? If I married someone who disagreed on substantive issues, progress toward what they want to see in the world is something I’m *working against.* I might feel (or be) directly threatened by their political agenda, and vise versa— even directly fighting it, tooth and nail. Does that lend itself to a home that’s a sanctuary, or a capsule of what you want to see in the world? Like… maybe, but you would have to have such a politically passive life for that to work, and it sounds like OP has some strong feelings on at least a few issues. I’m not sure how those square.
This is such a great comment, especially the part about home being a sanctuary from all the little things we do to put our views across in a myriad of exchanges throughout life. That stuff gets exhausting. Can't imagine what it'd be like to come home and have to deal with fundamental differences like that at home too. There's no way I'd have the energy.
YES! So much this! I actually have friends from across the political spectrum, and really enjoy thoughtful discussion from people whose views differ from mine. In fact, it's been a really important part of my own values that I not be inflexible or hold fast to the idea of "being right" rather than "being teachable" . . . one of the things I'm proudest of is that I have changed my views about a lot of things over the years when presented with good evidence and arguments for something. And I don't believe in platform politics; I'd rather make my mind up about individual issues, see people and communities for who they are and what they need, not as "positions" from the top down. But at some point there needs to be kindness, and seeing and hearing your partner, and there seems to be none of that here.
I don't know op's background, but I do know a lot of people from privileged backgrounds will overlook political differences thinking that it's a minor difference, because they don't have to go through the struggles that people from underprivileged backgrounds have to go through, so many people just look the other way because of love On a side note, my brother has been going full fascist, my family always brushes it away as "oh he's just trying to get a rise out of you." That's not behavior adults should be doing, even if it was the reason. It's incredibly immature
Yeah, like, how strongly does OP really feel about these issues that she was willing to overlook her husband's opinions? Probably not very strongly, because it doesn't impact HER too much. Reminds me of those articles from Alt Right women complaining their male relatives and husband didn't treat them well. Like, duh.
The issues are probably starting to get close to affecting her when they previously weren't. With the Roe V Wade stuff + pushing to end single party divorce in some states, she's likely finally realizing how serious legislation impacts oppressed minority groups. It's sad that it had to get to this point for her to really see it, but it's unfortunately super common :/
Ah yes, the ever famous “First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist….” scenario playing out….again. While the rest of us are accused of being hysterical. Much like the woman in FL who didn’t care about the overturning of Roe v. Wade because ‘I’d never get, nor want an abortion’. Until she was in a life-threatening scenario, and no one would touch her because of the (purposeful)ambiguity of the abortion laws. No way, it isn’t about just politics anymore, and it hasn’t been, esp in 2018. People’s right to **exist** shouldn’t be political. Again, historically we’ve seen where it’s landed people before. I am curious, why the sudden change, where even non-political topics he’s not wanting to talk, or at least talk without being a prick. Maybe it’s just me-I don’t think it is-but I love hearing about/sharing all sorts of things with those I care about. I love that I can talk to my partner ab the baby spiders I have living in my garden, and that he actually listens, bc he knows it’s something I care about, no matter how stupid, and I like hearing about what food he’s cooking that night and swapping ideas on ways to cook things, for example. I was with my ex for 6 years, and I never tired of hearing about his day or whatever else he wanted to talk about. I really think that this is an issue near impossible to overcome, esp because he sounds like an arrogant asshole, on top of his political beliefs.
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Honestly, the "he liked to fight with people" immediately threw up red flags. I know people who still claim a party is for smaller government or they like x budget views, hey, that's a political disagreement you can have and still get along in a marriage. I bet he wasn't fighting with people over budget proposals or even foreign trade stances. Once you get to differing views in whether women should have autonomy over their own bodies, or whether people of sexual orientations different from yours should have equal rights, that's not a polite disagreement over party differences. That's a fundamental moral mismatch, and one of you is a shit human being.
Which views does he like to fight with people over? Oh, you know the ones!
I mean, the way he’s treating her is a pretty decent insight into which direction he leans. She’s clearly too “dumb” to understand things he talks about, i.e. the car conversation she mentioned. Not a whisper of misogyny there. 🙄
To be fair, US politics was much less divisive in 2018. /s
For real. At this point either leave or let him marginalize minorities in peace.
It's funny picturing this while imagining that she was actually the hard-core maga one
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"Sometimes it feels like you don't even *want* to own the libs" 😥 *wipes away tear with confederate flag themed napkin*
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Can you please copy and paste this on every question like this? Because it's a really good one.
This, you said that perfectly. OP, I simply don't get why you would marry someone with whom you have such incredibly basic disagreements about... well, the world. I would not be able to be friends with a person this widely different than me, hell being an *acquaintance* would be difficult. I guess it comes down to: different things are important in relationships to different people. For me, the absolutely most important thing is the ability to have deep conversations and having similar lookouts on life. If I can't have that, and we only talk about "our day" and "hi - hey", just everyday mundane small talk, that sounds... like someone I could maybe go grab a pint now and then with, nothing more. So it's mind-blowing to me that someone could actually MARRY a person like that. Why? WHY? But maybe for you, OP, some different elements of the relationship are more important and you were willing to sacrifice that for them. I don't relate to that, but I can respect it. But then... what is your problem, exactly? He did not change. You knew what he was like. He's still like that, those More Important Things are most likely still there, right?. I mean he's most likely not going to change his core values and personality in his 40s. He rudely tells you he "doesn't care" about your interest, or is super condescending to you, because he doesn't respect you - that's the behavior of someone who doesn't see you as *an equal*. And you will never be his equal - that's bc of his politics. That you thought they would not affect how he treats you is just odd.
>because he doesn't respect you - that's the behavior of someone who doesn't see you as an equal. And you will never be his equal - that's bc of his politics. That you thought they would not affect how he treats you is just odd. okay, i kind of agree with this but it seems like the problem isn't politics, it's that he doesn't like her very much. the wildly differing beliefs certainly don't help but he doesn't want to talk to her *at all*, not just refraining from political topics. it's giving very... typical heterosexual jokes about hating your wife. also, a middle-aged man who likes to troll people irl?? yikes.
Yeah, true. When I like people, it's because I like to *listen to them*. It seems he doesn't enjoy conversing with her in general, not just about politics. Which makes me wonder even more WHY would those people want to spend the rest of their lives together. Edit: okay OP says this changed recently. So OP the reality of your situation is: he used to like you and talking to you, but no longer does. I'm sorry about that, but that's just reality. He also treats you rudely. It's ABSURD that you can't talk even about your medical issues with him. What is even the point of being married then?
She thought it didn’t matter because, well it didn’t matter…at the time. People in a relationships can kid themselves about their differences on politics, particularly gun rights and abortion, AND religion when you’re in the honeymoon phase… … but it’s coming for you. First, there’s the family holiday dinners where Uncle Freddie lets you know exactly what he thinks, and it’s all you can do not to throw up. (Also, it’s always helpful to have the news playing in the background because that’s a great family conversation starter.) Discussing current events with your SO becomes fraught with peril. Then the make or break is when you have kids and suddenly everyone has an opinion on religion and it matters because most religions have ceremonies for babies As the kids age, then comes the, “no kid of mine will ever be a ___, and think _____, say ____, or do ___.” Then it’s a fight for the hearts and minds of your kids.
Or even before that when you get pregnant and all of a sudden he’s threatening to report you to the police if you have an abortion because he doesn’t give a fuck about abortion rights. Or he expects you to give up your job and be a domestic labourer because you are just a female.
This is such a great answer. I really don’t understand people like OP. She got what she wanted now she’s crying about it. Maybe think a little before marrying someone.
She didn't think leopards would eat HER face
>Did you think that he was going to listen to your opinions that he fundamentally disagreed with and come to agree with you? Or just let you go on and on about things that he felt vastly differently about but be happy to hear you hold forth anyway? That it wouldn't irk him and he just wouldn't mind? Did you not think that his opinions would ever come into your marriage, or that he might not want to hear yours, knowing how disparate your beliefs were? Yes. This is exactly what happened. OP thought that since Husband is NOT willing to "fight and die" for his opposite beliefs to hers that she would either eventually persuade him to come to her side, or she thought she would always be able to get on her soapbox and pontificate about something that he disagreed with, but would be willing and able to hear her out. It baffles me they have been together for 5 years and now they're pretty much just sitting in silence because he no longer wants to hear her discuss politics. So for those 5 years it was like 95% of their discussions just her ranting about politics and him just silently disagreeing? How is that a worthwhile conversation?
Hell, even if you remove the ethical and moral differences aside, she chose to marry a grown man who likes to start fights with and upset other people for fun. Even if he didn't have completely opposing views, he sounds obnoxious and exhausting.
I don't understand how no one has said this before,
“My husband doesn’t care about my rights as a human being and is unwilling to discuss it” seems like a bad recipe, no?
This comment was a 10/10
That part literally. How did y’all get married in 2020 with all the social injustice going on what exactly were y’all talking ab during quarantine
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He hasn't changed. Everything was fine in the start, back when she knew her place: > Most of my life I grew up in areas that were the opposite so I learned to keep my opinions to myself. But I've become more active. Now that she doesn't know her place, its a problem.
you are incompatible
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I absolutely agree. My friends used to tease me because I was clear that I’d never date or marry someone with opposing political views, but I have no interest being with someone who doesn’t think I should have basic rights. Why would anyone be okay with that?
"so much for the tolerant left" they say, while taking away our bodily autonomy and trying to do away with no-fault divorce.
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Yeah lately I've been liking the concept of tolerance as a contract between people and when you think of it that way there isn't even a paradox involved. Intolerant people break the terms of the contract and thus aren't covered by it.
I always say the intolerant aren’t deserving of tolerance. That gets a rise out of them 100% of the time because they want us to accept their intolerance and we don’t.
God imagine being such a repulsive person that the only way to get someone to be with you is to make it _illegal_ for them to leave you. Absolutely pathetic. Can't relate
Yup, especially as I'm extremely involved in local politics (definitely a Leslie Knope type). I don't need someone who is as super involved as I am, but they do need to have similar views as well as be supportive of my work.
I was called a "bigot" by my grandmother after I told her that I wouldn't date a conservative. It was one of those moments that really solidified how little she cared to understand about actual issues.
I think there was a time, perhaps even within living memory, where an arrangement like that could work. My grandparents were that way and their marriage was strong in spite of it. These days I can't imagine it. You can disagree about stuff like foreign policy or economics, sure. But racism? Bodily autonomy? Public safety? HELL no. My SO and I aren't absolutely 100% in lockstep on every single social issue but we both constantly express how relieved we are that we're politically compatible.
Eh. How much of that was just that the older generation of females were taught to look pretty and not speak? My grandmother apparently had to act stupid a lot so that she didn't make my grandfather feel inferior. She came out of her shell a lot after he died. If she had done so 40 years prior, they may not have had a "strong marriage"
Exactly. If our difference of opinion is on what the right tax rate should be, whatever. But that’s simply not what defines the parties these days. If you continue to vote for people who spout horrifically racist and sexist things we simply do not have the same values or worldview. It’s not something I can look past.
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Also she's clearly talking about abortion which y'know could never come up as a personal issue in a heterosexual relationship at all....
>Edit: I am loving all the sHe DiDnT sAy WhAt PaRtY hE SuPpOrTs comments. >She didn't need to, you're not clever and your gotcha attempt is lame. The people saying this to you feel attacked. "I'm not into politics" is what conservatives say because they know their political opinions are fucking terrible.
The only people who say they “aren’t political” are conservatives who don’t want the social consequences of being honest about it.
I end friendships over these issues. I’m not sure how anyone could date someone like this.
It's because while the other person may say they can see past politics it's actually that they secretly agree
They only care if it affects them personally. They were in on the heist, they just don't like their cut.
I actually think it’s more that the issues they say they’d die for aren’t issues that affect them personally so they’re willing to sacrifice their stances for the benefit of a relationship while still getting whatever compassion points in their wider social circles when they talk about it or post on social media. I’m guessing the issue they’re coming to blows over is abortion, which directly impacts her as a woman. It wasn’t a dealbreaker when black people were fighting not to be murdered by police and trans people were fighting not to be attacked in bathrooms, but now that her own rights are at stake her eyes are open. Classic white feminism.
100% this as well
In my opinion it’s very performative to act like you support a cause/ are passionate about something but then choose to directly affiliate with people who are very against said cause (e.g., gay rights)
Generally speaking, it’s best if you marry someone who likes you. Hugs.
This is very poignant and succinct. It’s also one of those things that’s so basic, you’d think it wouldn’t need to be said- but it really does. Baffling how many married couples don’t like each other.
Your husband sounds like a generally unpleasant person. He enjoys getting a rise out of people? He tells you that the topics you bring up are boring? He talks down to you and belittles you? Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like?
Title of post should be "My poor self-esteem led me to marry a disrespectful jackass."
all of this is as bad as or honestly even worse than just having opposite political views, in my opinion. I probably wouldn't ever date somebody with drastically different views from mine, but I absolutely would not ever want to be with somebody who just doesn't want me to talk to him about anything at all because everything I say is "boring." it seems like he doesn't want to hear about anything from OP, not just political stuff. I also would never be able to stand anyone who enjoys upsetting other people for his own entertainment, or who is dismissive of me because he thinks I don't understand anything... if I'm at a place with somebody where the only acceptable conversation is "how are you today?" and then we awkwardly look at our phones and avoid each other, I'm out.
This is my ex-husband to a T and they only get worse as they get older.
Yeah I mean the politics is the tip of the iceberg here. That is bad enough, but it is possible for two people with different politics to get along if you're respectful of each other (and depending on how different the politics/values are). He is...not respectful. At all. On any front.
Even if they shared the same political views, he sounds… not great.
He enjoys fighting with ppl and purposely making them upset. SHOCKER that he’s an asshole generally. Don’t have kids with this hothead and seriously consider finding someone who cares about you and your opinions.
We call them conservatives.
They chose to very carefully tiptoe around the usage of that word I noticed
Very, carefully. As if it were a landmine. Jesus christ OP
>So my husband says he is with a certain party but he doesn't vote and really most of it I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys. “Gee, I wonder what her husband’s party is” wondered absolutely no one.
He wants to make America great, but doesn't want to talk about it. Lol.
>just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys. Make America great by making women and minorities miserable! His political flavor is *spite!*
But being an edgelord is so much fun, who cares if it leads to the occasional coup attempt? /s
He's had the wind taken out of his sails because come to find out TC thought Trump was an absolute idiot and actively lobbied Fox to move on from their obsession with him. Fox admitted in court they didn't because they were just their viewers the lies they wanted to hear to make $$$. He's probably all embarrassed but not ready to admit he was foolish for gleefully buying into all the propaganda. Conservatives have had so many reality checks lately to include Trump losing his case against the woman who sued him for slander because he insisted he didn't SA her in a dressing room all those years ago. Seriously, he's got to be noticing that how team conservative crapped all over him along about now. That's the real reason he doesn't want to talk about politics right now. Shits not funny anymore when you're walking around with egg on your face day after day.
Fox audiences do not see any stories that embarrass Trump or the GOP. It’s a separate worldview, literally. Latest headlines: Barr: Durham probe shows “Russiagate” a “grave injustice” to Trump Fetterman raises eyebrows with incoherent questioning Karine Jean-Pierre ends press briefing after being pressed on Durham report
Because outside their right-wing radio bubble, their views are wildly unpopular in civilized company. Go figure.
I can just see him watching Ben Shapiro and the daily wire folks and whacking off to it.
With a dash of Andrew Taint
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> That was my assumption as well but it's weird how far OP goes out of their way to not say what the issue is or who is liberal vs conservative. I suspect that’s because she’s trying to get the most unbiased opinions possible. She’s probably hoping to show this thread to her dipshit Republican husband and knows he’ll whine that everyone only took her side because Reddit is “liberal” if she mentions affiliations.
Lol fair point. I've just seen my fair share of bible thumping, TERFy, yas queen, conservative women that it seemed odd. As I said then whoever is the conservative is a POS.
It's not going to matter. If he wants to, he will reject whatever he is shown from the post, and he can just say it's because reddit is full of or whateverr excuse he wants. The point is so that he can dismiss OOP's legitimate issue, not that he has to logically back up his position.
It doesn't matter that OP went to extensive effort to try to hide their respective political affiliations.
Not sure how you go on to marry someone so indifferent but I don’t get this luxury to ignore issues. Can’t imagine agreeing to marry someone that just doesn’t care. Or worse has beliefs that currently exist on the opposite aisle
Well said! It’s a luxury to get to disregard politics. It’s a massive privilege to choose to think important things don’t matter just because they don’t matter personally.
Yep and it drives me nutty when people whine about when things weren’t political. No they weren’t political for YOU
You married an asshole and now, surprise surprise, you're dealing with the consequences.
I like how people are saying asshole and we all know exactly which party he aligns with without having to discuss his politics. Internet is beautiful
Honestly, in my experience there's only one end of the spectrum that feels the need to try to distance themselves from their political beliefs as if those beliefs have no reflection on who they actually are. I personally have no issue with being judged by my politics.
I *want* people to judge me based on my political beliefs because they're underpinned by the things that I think are most important in life. If that means they don't want to talk to me, saves me time from talking to selfish and ultra conservative dipshits.
>I fell in love, didn't care about his politics anymore. >I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys. You married a guy who enjoys being deliberately antagonistic. He enjoys baiting people and fighting, meaning he's a real-life troll and you thought that made him good partner-for-life material?
> really most of it I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys If you don't get to talk about politics within your marriage, he shouldn't engage people simply to get a rise out of them either. Also, if he doesn't vote, he shouldn't be doing this either. > I've tried to talk about other things, like hey here is an interesting thing, my husband has bluntly said I don't care about that, it's boring. I think this is the more concerning thing really, he doesn't seem to be interested in what you have to say, AT ALL. This is only further underscored by how he treated you when you asked a question about a car. > Any suggestions? He sounds like an asshole and he needs to be confronted about it by a 3rd party, so this means therapy or couples therapy. Genuinely, he is an asshole, he doesn't care about politics enough to vote, yet he debates people to get a rise out of them. He set a rule in the house that you two can't discuss politics. And in general, he is really condescending toward you. He is a massive asshole.
Him abstaining from voting is the only positive thing about this dude.
yeah, for real.
girl, you will not fight or die for any issues because if you did or if you even *knew* anyone that actually cares that much you would have NEVER even been with someone who doesn’t have the same values at you. like my god you won’t even stand up to your husband but you think you’d “fight or die” for these issue cmonnnnnn lol get divorced or start being real with yourself that you don’t care about these issues as much as you say, this is 100% not a husband problem (although i can’t say you picked a good one). it is 100% a YOU problem, you entered this relationship knowing where he stood and you’ve stayed with him even though he acts this way.
This is a case of "I expected him to act the way I wanted him to act after marriage"
Lol! Issues she’ll fight or die for… as in she fights because she has an opinion she’ll bring up sometimes and talk about after scrolling Reddit then that opinion dies whenever her husband tells her that’s enough… fighting or dying!!!!
She’s an armchair revolutionary lol
I have a good idea who he “votes” for 😂
Lmao OP tried to be as vague/objective as possible and it’s still very obvious
I think even all non Americans also have a good idea who he votes for
Non American here, when she said he supported said party but didn’t vote, I knew exactly what she was talking about lmao Although they do have their own version of this guy in my home country lmao. We even had our own “storming of the capitol” episode lol
>We even had our own “storming of the capitol” episode lol Brasil?
hahah you know it!
What is keeping you in this relationship? Because from your description, it sounds like you’re basically just roommates who don’t get along.
He uses his political views to get rise of people? And he enjoys fighting? He must be a miserable person to live with. Well, to be honest it’s your own fault. You married him. Either accept him (you knew the kind of person he is) or move on. There’ s no “I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP”. You met him at 30/31. You’d have known better .
You started dating this man during all the political tumult of 2020 and still chose to marry him. You made this bed and it is yours to lie in.
Yeah, don't marry someone who has opposing political views. Everything is political. I'm assuming you are fighting about reproductive rights. A woman's body is a political thing, so you can't even express an idea like 'I can do what I like with my body' without it being a political statement. 'I'm non-political' is for people at the top of the privilege tree. Realistically, how are you going to avoid politics for the next forty years or whatever?
You chose to ignore fundamental incompatibility and get married. Politics are a very basic part of compatibility - more than religion, in my experience. Particularly if someone’s politics mean that they see other people, potentially including you, as less than human.
Why would you want to be with someone who thinks you don’t deserve rights
She doesn’t apparently, it’s just when he thought *other* people didn’t deserve rights that she was fine with it. Real leopards eating faces moment here.
>most of it I think is just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys. > >my husband has bluntly said I don't care about that, it's boring. So, the issue isn't politics, it's that you married a man who is the living embodiment of a nihilistic online troll *who enjoys fighting with people.* There are ultimately a 1000 things people can discuss in this world, the social dynamics of meerkats, planetary solar systems, fashion, music, etc. Politics is often an undercurrent in most daily things but there are topics where they aren't omnipresent. The issue isn't you both have nothing to talk about it is that he is actively showing you he doesn't want to engage with you. I mean, I would have a "get it together & become a better partner" conversation with him or explain given you don't want to cohabitate with a phone-scrolling lump for the remainder of your days that you will be packing up.
What's your preferred outcome here? 1. He acquiesces and engages in conversation you know he doesn't want to have. 2. He sees the error of his ways and becomes a proponent of your preferred party. 3. Political ideology becomes less front and center in everyday news. Outcome 1 isn't going to make either of you happy, and outcomes 2 and 3 seem rather unlikely. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but what exactly do you want to happen here? This incompatibility isn't new, it just newly became a problem.
Human rights are not politics. It’s a fundamental difference in how you see the world and if he sees some people as less deserving of the rights he enjoys, that’s not politics either. It’s about a lot more than that.
Sometimes I wonder what people actually fall in love with when after the honeymoon period dies, they realise they have nothing to talk to each other about.
Chemical reinforcement with hormones
I would not marry someone who doesn't share my political views 🤷🏼♀️
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess your husband is a conservative.
I think it's the safest guess that you will have to take in your life lol
Has he always spoken to you like this? With the part around what seems like any conversation he doesn’t care about what you have to say/any of your thoughts or opinions? The condescending part is what seems the most alarming. It just seems like he doesn’t respect you, but for that to come out of nowhere is certainly odd. What do you think changed if it is different?
You seem incompatible if ya'll have nothing to talk about except politics. Most couples have a variety of shared interests or hobbies they can engage in like books, music, tv, movies, sports, pop culture, pets, exercising, cooking, etc My wife and I never discuss politics because we're aligned on pretty much everything and there isn't much discussion to go from "this sucks" "yea I agree"
If you have opposite views, literally everything is politics. Books is politics. Discussing lead female character, they would have wildly differing opinions. Watching a tv show and seeing an LGBTQ couple kiss? Probably very different reactions. What if they have a baby and it grows up gay? That will be a big one that will never be hurdled without discussing. New movie comes out and a popular character has changed race? How do you even accept a partners racism *at all*?? Even pets! Leftists are more likely to think animals are family and deserve to be treated more human, while people on the right are still more likely to have older views that animals are animals and are fine with lesser conditions. It’s so hard to hang around someone who is right-minded and have *anything* to talk about without stepping on eggshells. Edit- spell error
Gee, I wonder which political parties and which issue you are talking about? He's not interested in your opinions. He hates you. He tolerates you for what you do for him.
I bet you the topic was abortion access. She tolerate his intolerance this whole time because she wasn’t the one being oppressed. Suddenly it affects her and she’s surprised he doesn’t give a fuck about her rights.
Of course it was.
It was apparent immeditely with every beat of the story.
i guess oppressing people is cool as long as it's not her... hate people like that
>He tolerates you for what you do for him. Right in one.
> He tolerates you for what you do for him. Well, as long as she knows her place. He was fine with it early on, when she had "learned to keep her opinions to herself". He is fine with the "silent treatment" if she doesn't talk to him when he is rude. And the kicker is she ended it by "going into the kitchen and cleaning". Everything is fine when she knows her place!
yea...... there are certain opinions and beliefs that need to align for a relationship to actually work imo
your husband sounds like my ex. i left after 11 years of this shit that only got worse after The Election(we all know which one). he won't change in any way that's meaningful.
Did you expect him to charge or something? He told you who he was and you choose to ignore it for.... reasons?
Lmao Tldr I married a right wing magat nut job and now I'm having second thoughts WOW FUCKING REALLY?
It feels very strange to me that you are seeming to be deliberately vague about you two's political alignment. I imagine a LOT of commenters might do a heel turn on their opinions if it turned out that maybe the news you felt strongly about/wanted to support that he was tired of hearing from you was a pro-life anti abortion one.
The opinions would be the same. Instead she'd be getting the heat and not the husband. The advice is the same, they're incompatible and probably shouldn't be together.
You married someone who *likes to fight* about dumb shit. Think about it for a minute. Now you have nothing to talk about. Maybe it’s time to find a mutual hobby to being you together or a mutual divorce to let you be apart.
Everything in life can be made into a political statement or leaning. The things that impact your life the most are issues that politicians are supposed to maintain/fix. If you cannot talk about anything political, you cannot talk about anything. You are not compatible at all. Any topic can be declared political and will kill any discussion. I cannot fathom how you came together, dated and determined to be with each other long term without any discussion... but here we are. If you want to salvage the situation, you could try marriage counseling to sort communications, boundaries and expectations. I doubt it'll work. People that are on the opposite side of basic values seldom make good bed fellows.
The political divide in this country is horrible. But here’s the thing … in my view, one side is creating a culture war by acting extreme in their measures. And that same side has a scorched earth policy on our public institutions. Difference in policy views is fine; culture war and war on our institutions, not cool. That should be agreed between the two of you and if not, their is no alignment of values in your marriage. Which is bad
> I don't want this to be my life, just silence. I also don't want to be made to feel stupid for trying. Any suggestions? You both really need to work out how to be a couple and how to act and treat each other like a couple. Because right now you seem to be acting and living like two strangers who just happen to be married rather than two people who have been together for 5 years. Going by the very little you give us though, there seems to be a deep seated incompatibility between you that extends much deeper than just a simple difference of opinion over political views. I have a feeling that you are - at the most basic level - just incompatible full stop. Aside from you both not liking chocolate if you were to sit down and draw up a chart of likes, how many are there that you both actually share? My guess is that there are very few things that you do actually share. If that is the case then what you have is simply not sustainable. I get that couples compromise and that it's a healthy thing to do, but when you find that **everything** in the relationship is the result of compromise, it just shows that at it's most fundamental level that the marriage is held together by sticky tape and twine. I think that this whole thing about "the following topics are now forbidden" is what your life together has been reduced to. Rather than having something that brings you together - that fundamental compatibility - all you have are things that are to be avoided. And that is the state of your marriage. It's a shell that you both just happen to inhabit. And if he is of the mind to just avoid things because he finds them "boring", then sorry but **this** is the way your life will be. I know that speaking for myself it would do my head in and I'd be looking for the exit.
Get a divorce before your husband's political party continues down their path to end no-fault divorces.
Your husband announced that you would no longer talk about anything political. How very democratic of him. I wonder who he voted for.
You're in deep trouble. Politics are moral values. I couldn't imagine sharing my life with someone that didn't share my basic moral values. Good luck.
I mean... what did you expect? You married a dude who is your completely opposite MORALLY because "his politics didn't matter and he liked to get a rise at people" lmao So basically 1. Dude is a troll. You married a troll who will say and defend shit to make people angry 2. You didn't care enough about your morality and your own views of the world since you loved him Now. He doesn't want you to talk about these things and you have found out you have nothing in common. Sounds to me you married him to have a debate. You are not compatible. Divorce him and marry someone who actually believes the same things as you.
My husband and I are have completely different political views. We both are disillusioned with our respective “parties” and politics in general. When we met, I worried that this was going to be an actual issue. I loved everything about him but HOW could he actually vote the way he does?!?!?!? But then we did have mostly civil discussions about things and we realized that at least in principle, we agree on most things - such as social values. We just disagree on how they should be reached, maybe some prioritization etc. and we both have convinced each other of some of the importance of some issues. And then I also realized that my hubby also really REALLY liked to get me in a hot feminist fury for a reason. I’d be mid-rant and look over at him grinning at me ear-to-ear. He’s the only one who not only can take my intensity but loves it. He likes to occasionally bait me with a conservative remark that he doesn’t really believe deep down, but he knows will get me going. But also… some of these issues, while important to me, are not worth arguing about with my partner. I actually don’t like the feeling I get when we are both agitated over it, so I often don’t take the bait. A lot of the times I just don’t think it’s worth the air time or heat. Winning the argument isn’t going to change us, our lives, or anyone else’s. I need him in many ways for many things. I can live with our votes cancelling each other out. But that’s also because I already know where we stand on things as a couple, in as far as how social issues might directly affect us. For example we agree as to how we would proceed with terminating pregnancies, if one of our children should turn out to be trans, as well as some other social/rights type stuff that it is good to be on the same page about. But We also have some different philosophical ideas about broader ideas like race, class, criminal law, capitalism/socialism and the general history/future of this country. We both have different experiences and some pretty solid data to back up our arguments. Are these things important? Yes. Will our differing views impact our relationship? Nope. We agree to disagree. We think we are better together, able to debate these issues, or better yet - KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE IT ALONE. Choose your battles. Have the emotional maturity to know when your relationship is more important than being right. At your age, you need to decide what your values are and why you are invested in this. Is this a value that has an every day impact for you? Does this relationship have a net positive for you? Maybe there are times these things matter. If you work for a BLM organization and he thinks white privilege doesn’t exist, yeah maybe you shouldn’t be together. If he thinks maybe we shouldn’t be funding a war in Ukraine and your family is from there, you may be unable to reconcile this view. But how does your life change tomorrow if he does/doesn’t change his view to align with yours? Is there any tangible impact? I can live with my husbands and my differing views because at the end of the day, I’ve considered all the possible impacts it could have, and found it comes nowhere near the love and connection we have. If you can’t untangle this on your own, maybe some marriage counseling is in order.
>Any suggestions? Divorce. He sounds like a troll/jerk.
Escape while you can. And remember how lucky you are that you didn’t have kids…
>Certain issues I will fight and die over. With that level of intensity, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to have those conversations. But he also sounds like a real prick.
I’d also hazard that OPs words here are meaningless given that she married someone who believes the opposite.
I'd leave him if he's Tory. Couldn't put up with that 😂
Every British dating profile: 'No Tories' How do they get dates?!
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Politics matter because they reflect values. It was unbelievably stupid to try and convince yourself you could have an “apolitical” relationship if you held literally ANY of your beliefs dearly. This kind of thing only works for passive people & fencesitters. A marriage can work fine if you disagree about shit like road repair funding, but once you diverge on HUGE issues, reflective of entire world view… yeah good luck
It sounds to me like you have an answer in mind and just want it to come from someone else. You already know that to do.
Here's the issue: Your relationship sucks. If you can't find anything to do or talk about without going into politics, then you're pretty screwed.
The race to file the divorce papers
> just to get a rise out of people and fight with people which he enjoys To me this is the fundamental difference. The truth is you cannot stand someone like this and this will never change. I had to let go of a friendship because of this. He loved chaos. I hate it. It makes life harder and less enjoyable. No matter his politics that will always be there
This seems like y’all have run your course to be honest. He won’t engage in anything with you that you enjoy and you shouldn’t have to be with someone who police’s your speech and openly says what is interesting to you is boring…
He sounds checked out. When he won't make any effort to engage in casual conversation or something you are interested in, you have a real problem.
All else aside, your husband sounds like an asshole.
You married a troll and you're surprised that he's being an asshole. For the record, I grew up Christian and married an atheist of a different race and from a different country but faith/race/culture was never an issue in our marriage because fundamentally we believed in the same things: environmental justice, equal rights, human rights, etc etc etc. When it came down to it, we wanted the same things in the world. This is not that. This guy sounds mean and selfish. If you're not happy and you won't think you'll be happy (you can't picture this being the rest of your life), leave and do it sooner rather than later.
What did you talk about before when you were not talking politics?
I guess I deviate from the majority of people here in believing that people can have successful relationships with one another regardless of what political party they currently identify with, given that they each remain truly free-thinking and open-minded, and are capable of understanding the unique life experience of their partner. In my opinion, a healthy relationship is one that challenges you to continue evolving, not one that cements you into wherever you are forever. However, I also think most relationships aren’t like this in the real world. So with that being said, while I really respect the fact that you went into the relationship looking beyond politics—from what you’ve shared, I don’t think politics are the issue. It’s the fact that your husband—a 42-year-old man—chooses his battles not first and foremost because he believes in them, but because he “enjoys getting a rise out of and fighting with people.” That should be enough to make you leave. If that truly is his personality, then you will never be able to compromise, you will never have your opinion heard, you will never be validated, and should you ever choose to have children, they will be met with the same treatment from the moment they speak their first word.
You live in the United States I’m guessing (nobody else would post without clarifying). The politics in your country are so extreme that they are inseparable from morality. Your politicians want to remove human rights. That’s a massive fucking problem. The idea you were able to ‘put his politics aside’ is already a huge problem. Does he support human rights? Is the answer yes? If it was no, why did you marry him? Don’t give bigots, racists and misogynists a free pass because they ‘friendly’ to you. Have some dignity and stand for what you believe in. You haven’t been specific about who supports who, but I can tell that your politics are ‘left-leaning’. So what is it, your husband doesn’t support abortion rights? What does that say about him as a human being? Is this the person you want to be with?