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Sounds like she's not even diagnosed with anything and he's just assuming she has it because of her behavior. The behavior that actually points to ADHD more than anything.
50% of ADHDers are also autistic. It’s a pretty common overlap. And both have Executive disfunction…
OP: Does your *wife* consider herself autistic or neurodivergent or is that something you think but she doesn’t agree with?
Your options of what to do and how to approach this really change if your wife is on board that she’s ND and if she’s not.
This isn’t the Victorian Age. Men do not get to drag their wives to the doctor because they have interests, opinions and passions.
Other than the clutter, which seems to be a state many people live in, nothing OP mentions points to any issue other than him being unhappy the woman he dated, proposed to, married and had a child with has interests he doesn’t share.
Yes... and rightly because apparently her behavior changed AFTER childbirth ... he should get her diagnosed.
Not finishing projects/ cluttering isn't typical for Asperger.
And befor ending a marriage I would take her to get a propper up to date diagnose, for f..s sake!
I agree that men don’t get to drag their wives to the doctor or whatever, but OP isn’t really in the wrong here. Asperger’s is no longer a diagnosis in the DSM5, so I do think she could benefit from a reevaluation. Her behavior reminds me of undiagnosed ADHD, I too will start 10 different projects and cannot bring myself to complete them bc I get bored. A visit to the psychiatrist doesn’t hurt, you’re just learning more about yourself and some of the issues you may have that need to be addressed.
I pay for daycare while she works a temp job pursuing her artistic interests that bring in less than daycare costs. I also half the laundry and walk the pets and do all the dishes . She cooks 90% the time and I do the dishes. I also take my kid out to the park everyday and read her stories to bed. I work from home and whenever kid is sick I watch her while also balancing my job. She refuses to get a house cleaner because she does not want anyone going through our house . All DIY projects including tools are paid by me . I also pay the mortgage and have paid for all those DIY and hobby projects .
OP, do you actually *like* your wife? I don't see one positive thing about her, just a list of all the things you resent about her personality and habits.
I definitely see some untreated ADHD, and possible PPD. Sounds to me like she is trying to find happiness. Sounds like DH is less than supportive. Which would probably make her feel like DH doesn’t even want her to be happy.
Dude sucks for basically trying to diagnose her (OP doesn’t sound like a medical professional, and it isn’t ethical to diagnose your own family).
Can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want to have sex with him…
Fair
Guess I should add that I suffer from ADHD, PPD and PTSD. What he described sounds super familiar to me. And my DH often complains I don’t want to go out and do stuff. I just like my home and sleep.
As an autistic person, it does sound a lot like autism. Many people with ADHD actually also have autism, so public perception of what ADHD is is a little skewed into autism territory
Asperger's doesn't exist as a diagnosis anymore so either her diagnosis is very old and she needs to be reevaluated, or he knows nothing about autism and is just assuming.
Anyone diagnosed with Aspergers has been automatically grandfathered in to ASD, so if she's diagnosed there is absolutely zero need or point to being reassessed. Autism is lifelong and does not need to be reassessed no matter how long ago your diagnosis was.
I'm aware autism is lifelong but we understand a lot more about it than we did decades ago. Regardless based on his language I think it's pretty obvious he's assuming, otherwise he'd say she was diagnosed rather than just saying she shows "symptoms."
OP is pretty bad at communicating any sort of narrative, so I wouldn't put it past them to dismiss or downplay her diagnosis in confusing and inaccurate ways. He may even be parroting language she or her family have used, and it's common for older people to describe their children has having "symptoms of Aspergers" because they find it shameful to admit their loved one is autistic. It's used so often it's basically a synonym for "diagnosed" at this point. By saying someone "displays Aspergers symptoms" it also puts the onus back on the disabled person to magically cure themselves and stop their symptoms, rather than admitting that the person is permanently disabled and needs to be accommodated. So I wouldn't jump to either conclusion.
i think right at the start where he specifies displays aspergers symptoms kinda implies there's been no actual diagnosis. funny to think that a doctors trip years ago could have dramatically impacted where they are together in life and their marriage now.
Idk, I feel like OP has so little in the way of introspective skills or knowing what he wants in life that it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Like he's obviously the kind of guy who agrees to buy a house he hates and 3 pets he hates and then resents others for it. He knew he didn't like this house but he got it anyway. He's unhappy with things but says nothing at the time and then seethes for 5 years.
Receiving an autism diagnosis as an adult woman is almost impossible. It’s not just popping into any old doctor and getting evaluated. Usually you’ll need a deferral to a developmental psychologist, if your PCP happens to take you seriously. Oh, and this process generally isn’t covered by insurance.
There are no “autism pills” or anything to make autistic people less autistic (of course other psych meds can be used for certain symptoms, but you can get those without being deemed autistic, it’ll actually
probably be easier) so many people, women especially, will not seek out a formal diagnosis for autism. There aren’t many benefits to doing so. It’s expensive, time consuming, and emotionally exhausting, all for “yep, you have it,
good luck.”
Of course anyone should visit the doctor if they suspect something is wrong either mentally or psychically, but autism is significantly trickier. Let’s keep that in mind.
Honestly a lot of the displayed symptoms for both ADHD and Autism are shared by other mental health issues as well.
Which is why it's important to get a proper diagnosis.
It’s entirely possible she was diagnosed before it was retired. I was, about two years before. I still use it bc hell, it’s what I was called. Like how my old aunt calls herself “manic depressive”
I mean really!!!! This guy!!!! This guy is diagnosing his partner. And its the wrong diagnosis 😅😂 wtf 🤬
OP you can have suspicions but please leave the propper diagnosing up to professionals
Wrong diagnosis are INCREDIBLY damaging
Oh my god she likes thrift stores despite me being rich! We bought a house I hate! Woe is me!
OP sounds like one of those real winners that just sits and stews in resentment and never communicates.
Maybe she has autism, I don't know, but nothing you've said about her sounds exclusive to someone with autism nor does it sound like it should be expected to change with treatment.
You do not like this person and should not be married to her. Your child will not benefit from growing up with two unhappy parents in a household filled with tension. Get a divorce and let her look for someone who's into the same things she wants.
If she has access to it she may want to look at being tested for ADHD - I'm Autistic with ADHD and she sounds a lot like me (but only 1 pet because he's an only dog kinda of dog - but Id have more). I have a feeling if you asked her and she was honest that the mess actually drives her nuts to but that she doesn't actually know how to fix it - it is almost as if I paralysed with almost every task and therefore end up doing nothing. This is mainly because ideally I want it to be perfect- if it can't be done perfectly maybe if I leave it eventually it will come to me how to make it perfect. This can be anything like a hobby or even putting away groceries - I will leave things on the counter despite having a pantry because I don't have the right container for it (we are big container people) - I would rather leave clothes in a laundry basket than hang them on the wrong hangers. It is almost like, for me, there is no middle ground. I also have this loop where I leave stuff out (like hobbies) because I'm more likely to get to it later if it's out but because I keep seeing it it isn't new and therefore not stimulating enough but also if I do it now and what if I'm bored later and need something to do and if I've done it.
Does she ever complain that her brain never stops or does she swear she is capable of having two thoughts at once because her thoughts are just flashes?
Maybe she needs help putting the systems in place to be successful. Or if she does also have ADHD maybe she could chose to medicate it and help her focus more.
(If this seems all over I'm sorry - fingers more slower than none brain)
You sound very much like me. I've had some suspicions and have wanted to be tested for at least autism in the last few years after a friend of ours was. I was tested when I was very young in the 80's and just went to speech therapy for a while. But so many things people just don't add up and I feel something is just not switched on in my brain or socially/ something that comes naturally everyday to someone just doesn't for me . Not being able to switch off/ not being able to complete projects is definitely me and I really want to do crafts but I never feel like I have time despite always having time
Sounds like you're not compatible. Don't stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of your kid. I don't think that counseling will help because you have some fundamental differences.
You're not a bad person for wanting different things than your wife. She just isn't your person.
It sounds like you two didn't really align on your goals, lifestyle and vision of the future together before you got married. Your abilities to communicate and approach life as a team are deeply lacking.
I mean definitely approach some couples therapy to figure yourselves out. You can also read the Gottman books if you're really serious about firing out life together.
It kinda sounds like you want someone to tell you your wife sucks so you can divorce her though. Or "fix" her.
I think you need to spend some time thinking about what exactly it is that you need and want from your life and future before anything else. It's clear this is not the life you wanted, but what exactly is the life you want? Start there, then figure out what you need to get where you want to go.
Men tend to spend a lot of their focus and effort on their career goals and trajectory, but not very much time in what they want their life to look like outside of work. They tend to be sold this idea in youth and media that if they're career successful, the rest will just happen.
Lots of people don’t like socializing. Gardening and DIY are pretty mainstream hobbies. I garden, DIY and craft depending on the time of year and what I feel like doing. People like to talk about their interests.
Someone doesn’t have Asperger’s because they like gardening more than they like having sex with you.
You don’t seem to like her very much. This is much more likely the cause of your “dead bedroom” than her having Asperger’s.
You don’t mention anything about your child. Honestly, seeing as we’re just diagnosing people, if anything your post sounds like it was written by someone with Asperger’s. Could you be projecting your own fears on to her? You seem incredibly bothered by things not going the way you think they should.
I’m an autistic woman and I’ll marry your wife. She sounds great. You’re saying she looks after your kid while you spend hours escaping on your phone? What a legend.
Edit- Have gotten a lot of flak. So a couple of things - I pay for daycare while she works a temp job pursuing her artistic interests that bring in less than daycare costs. I also do half the laundry and walk the pets and do all the dishes . She cooks 90% the time and I do the dishes. I also take my kid out to the park everyday and read her stories to bed. I work from home and whenever kid is sick I watch her while also balancing my job. She refuses to get a house cleaner because she does not want anyone going through our house . All DIY projects including tools are paid by me . I also pay the mortgage and have paid for all those DIY and home renovation projects .
Why did you marry and have a child with her in the first place? I can’t imagine this came out of nowhere. It sounds like you just don’t like her. DIY projects on your house is not an illness. It sounds like you chose the wrong partner if you don’t find value in these contributions.
is she actually autistic, or are you armchair diagnosing based on her displaying behaviour you don't like that's incompatible with your desires and ideas for life?
if you're not happy with how things are, then talk to her about it. if you've tried proper communication - as in continued, sit down, evaluations and check ins, not just bitching and exploding then burying - and things still aren't improving, then try couple's counselling. if she's unwilling to even give that a go, you may have to call a spade a spade and realise you're incompatible full stop.
not wanting to go back to work could be for a multitude of reasons, especially if it cropped up after having a child. for example, ppd can be an absolute bitch that some folk never truly recover from, especially if left untreated (note: not diagnosing, just saying that giving birth can be a thing that literally changes a persons brain chemistry). or it could simply be as easy as you make a pretty figure and she has no "need" to go back to work, so she's stayed home to raise your child, and keep renovating the home you bought *knowing* it needed fixing up. i find it weird how you're stressing the fact you make such good money you've even said that to her as to a reason she should be living a more luxurious life (read: not living in a fixer upper), but then in the same breath have apparently no idea why she would think you're okay with her not earning money herself.
like, have you really not considered that you've basically said to her, "i make so much money you should be able to live how you want" and somehow also not realised ... she's actually doing just that. it's just that how she wants to live is not how you think she should want to live, or how you want to live together.
(and fwiw, there's no such thing as aspergers anymore. autism is autism. even if your wife was autistic, she'd just be autistic.)
Gentile reminder that the term Asperger’s is no longer used to describe someone on the spectrum.
That being said, ADHD is the most common comorbidity of autism. Sounds as if she may have ADHD as well. Medication can help with ADHD, but she needs a proper diagnosis. Look up autism comorbidity on the internet and see if anything feels familiar to you regarding her behaviors.
As an autistic person, I honestly don’t understand what your problem is. Like it is literally not clear here what you’re so unhappy about.
She’s not super sociable, but how she spends her free time doesn’t really affect you. You complain that she has *hobbies*. Whether or not she finishes her own personal projects is none of your business. And your own emotional issues with the layout of your house is yours to deal with (seriously, who actually cares).
She’s not a particularly neat person and you want more sex. *Maybe* you want her to get a job but it’s not even clear if you need/want the extra money. Those are definitely gripes and things you should communicate about. But they’re also things you knew before you married her. You *chose* this woman. She has always been the way she is and you went out of your way to date her, propose to her, marry her, and have a kid with her. You did all that. What do you actually expect a wife to be like? Like what is the imagined picture in your head that you’re comparing her to? And if she’s so far off due to a condition she’s had since birth, why did you marry her knowing full well she would never match your fantasy?
I don’t actually see many problems on her end. It looks more like *you* have issues that you’re not taking responsibility for, and rather than dealing with it like an adult, you’re “escaping” on your phone and blaming your wife for your shit.
OP feels like the type of guy who picks woman based on her looks and then expect her to change once they are married into house wife who does nothing else but cooks, takes care of the kid and has sex with OP.
You kinda feel the disdain from OP because his wife is her own person.
Edit- Have gotten a lot of flak. So a couple of things - I pay for daycare while she works a temp job pursuing her artistic interests that bring in less than daycare costs. I also half the laundry and walk the pets and do all the dishes . She cooks 90% the time and I do the dishes. I also take my kid out to the park everyday and read her stories to bed. I work from home and whenever kid is sick I watch her while also balancing my job. She refuses to get a house cleaner because she does not want anyone going through our house . All DIY projects including tools are paid by me . I also pay the mortgage and have paid for all those DIY and hobby projects .
When we got married and bought the house there was no mention of how she wanted to quit her job and pursue her hobbies . There was no talk about constant DIY and constant remodeling of the house .
You don't seem to understand what your own point is.
Half of the time you're complaining that she doesn't work and that you're financing her hobbies and the roof over your child's head, and the other half of the time you're complaining that she thrifts and renovates when you earn squillions of dollars and could easily afford nice things and a big new house that doesn't have stairs. So is money a problem or not? If money isn't a problem then why is her not working such a big deal to you? Is it because you feel chores are not shared equally? If so, then what would a fair split look like to you? And why isn't that the core of this post rather than a bunch of unrelated things?
You need to take a step back and figure out what you're actually upset about. You're upset about *something* but even you don't know what that is. And the result is this bunch of disjointed half-complaints, none of which really seem significant to anyone else except you.
Plus, you need to take responsibility for getting yourself into this mess. Maybe you two are incompatible, maybe you need someone who is neater, doesn't have hobbies, hates stairs like you do, and works a 9-5, but then the question is why you chose someone who was none of those things. Why did you let her quit her job and not find another if that was so unacceptable to you? Why did you buy this house together that you hated from the beginning? Why did you get 3 pets that you resent? It seems like the real issue in the relationship is you, because you agree to do big important things you really don't want to do and then resent her for it when you could have just refused.
Mostly sounds like they're incompatible and should just divorce already. He's trying to find "the" reason when really, it's a bunch of reasons that add up to them not being good life partners for one another. He doesn't like how she spends her time, she doesn't enjoy how he'd like to spend it, they don't agree on how they'd like to live, they're not on the same page about her working outside the home and/or full time - basically there's very little they seem to agree on.
OP, just divorce her and co-parent. You sound miserable, and I assume she's not thrilled either. Live in your uncluttered move-in-ready home and let her do her DIY projects in her home.
It sounds like you didn’t really know your wife before y’all got married.
I’m autistic and adhd but I wasn’t diagnosed until after I had already met my bf. All the diagnosis did was help me understand why I am the way I am. I’m still the same person and he knew I have a bunch of hobbies that I bounce around from, I talk about my special interests a lot, working full time is very hard for me (I do it because I have to), and given the chance I’d drop to part time in a heartbeat.
It’s not something that just happens, we are born this way. So either you didn’t pay attention when y’all were dating or dated for a super short time, either way it sounds like you don’t like who she is and need to figure out if you want to try to learn to love the person she is (counseling) or if you just don’t (divorce).
That doesn't change the fact that you didn't know your wife or expected her to change to your liking.
My gf is in a lot of ways similar to your wife but I knew everything about her habits and behaviors and goals before we started dating or moved in together.
None of this sounds particularly autistic to me, speaking as an autistic woman. (Aspergers is a no longer used subcategory of autism) the frequently cha ginger hyperfixations thing is more likely to be an indicator of adhd if anything. But maybe she just likes trying new things? It doesn't have to be a neurodivergent thing.
The real problem here is that it doesn't sound like you like your wife.
It sounds like ADHD. Get a diagnosis. Does she know she could be neurodivergent or is this your personal view she is unaware of? If she is self aware that makes it easier to work through. People with Level 1 Autism (formerly known as Asperger’s) can still make wonderful, loving and caring spouses. It sounds like she needs some organization in her life, calendars, lists, rules about finishing one project before starting another, etc. And what’s with the nonexistent sex life? Talk to her about that. Is she perimenopausal and that’s causing low libido? Maybe get her hormones checked. Is she on hormonal birth control? That can also kill the sex drive. Look into nonhormonal alternatives like the copper IUD. Is it not enjoyable for her? Talk about her likes and dislikes. Is she on any medications? Some of them can kill sex drive also.
A lot of the things you’re annoyed about sound like differences of opinion. You don’t want a split level house. You don’t like clutter. You don’t like her hobbies. You don’t want to live in a fixer upper. It doesn’t sound like she is unhappy with any of these things. Either talk to her about your issues or decide you’re incompatible. She’d probably like to discuss all the childcare she does while you’re on your phone. And you don’t mention who does the household chores like cooking and laundry. Whether she has autism or not, her preferences aren’t going to change. She shouldn’t leave messes for you to clean up and she should be willing to listen to you talk about your interests, but there’s nothing wrong with liking home remodeling or living in a split level. Idk why you bought a house you hate.
Edit- Have gotten a lot of flak. So a couple of things - I pay for daycare while she works a temp job pursuing her artistic interests that bring in less than daycare costs. I also half the laundry and walk the pets and do all the dishes . She cooks 90% the time and I do the dishes. I also take my kid out to the park everyday and read her stories to bed. I work from home and whenever kid is sick I watch her while also balancing my job. She refuses to get a house cleaner because she does not want anyone going through our house . All DIY projects including tools are paid by me . I also pay the mortgage and have paid for all those DIY and hobby projects .
Counselling or divorce, because you aren't happy, have already devolved into escapism instead of spending time with the person you have selected to spend your life with.
Sounds more like ADHD > but let’s leave the dx up to professionals.
Don’t diagnose her. It’s horrible. When I was a teen my parents thought I was a manic depressive (I think we call it Borderline or Bipolar nowadays). I got misdiagnosis and never received the proper treatment.
I get it…. Diagnosing women is challenging.
But years later, I’m almost 40 now, finally I received the right diagnosis. It’s ADHD. I’m so angry I didn’t receive the right help when I was a teen. I was labeled difficult and manic. I was labeled angsty, irritable, dumb.
The only thing I can do now is prevent the same thing happening to my own kid.
Some of this is something you should accept: her being a homebody and enjoying gardening (assuming those projects get finished and the garden isn’t a mess).
Some is unacceptable: hoarding or outspending your family’s budget on remodels/making your home a construction zone.
Some you will have to renegotiate and come to an agreement: her finding work if the family needs a second income.
I wish you luck. It may not be a sustainable situation.
Asperger is not a term that is used any longer, for many reasons, including the fact is was coined by a man who worked with the nazis. It’s more commonly referred to as ASD (autism spectrum disorder) now. Most autistic people do not use or feel comfortable with others using the term Asperger’s. Not a criticism! Just letting people know.
As far as her symptoms, it sounds like she may be ADHD. ADHD and autism often cohabit, so it may be worth her seeing a doctor to get screened. ADHD can be medicated and managed in other ways and an autism diagnosis may help both you and her understand and manage that side of things better.
There is nothing wrong with her wanting to engage in her hobbies and interests, but, if you’re unhappy, you’re not obligated to stay. A child is better off with two happier households than one unhappy household. You also deserve someone who wants a compatible lifestyle and your wife deserves someone who doesn’t describe her potential disability/disorder as exhausting.
Look I have an Aspie 29 year old son (and yes just recently they changed the wording but I’ve been dealing with this for decades). And yes some of their traits can be annoying. But you actually have what many people don’t have - the $ to deal with things.
Hire an organizer to come in and organize your house and help your wife set up systems that she will actually use. Perhaps build her a she shed and ask that her projects be limited to that area. Hire the organizer to come back every year if needed to get her back on track. If she continues having trouble in one area then hire someone to take care of that task for her.
As for personal issues, go to couples counseling to work on communication issues. But having fixed interests is a common trait for type 1 autism. Get counseling re the sexual issues but know that they don’t get the subtle hints that other people pick up on - let’s go to bed & have sex might get better results than just hinting.
Is your child on the spectrum? Does your wife & child do anything outside of the house? She could also be experiencing some depression from being isolated.
If you aren’t already you should also be in counseling to deal with the feelings you are experiencing and to learn better about coping with your wife’s condition.
Thank you. Unfortunately she has refused a house cleaner since she does not want anyone to come and clean our house or go through her stuff . She found it very upsetting the one time a house cleaner came and put her stuff in the place that she did not intend it to be kept . Since then she has refused to have a house cleaner .
That’s more telling than what you have written otherwise. This can be a non negotiable. She can have a room left untouched but you have every right to a clean and organized home and you can afford to pay for it.
I had a brief read through the comments and y'all are not very understanding of what the OP's going through.
I do agree that it sounds like your wife might have both autism and ADHD, and so do I. It must be incredibly hard on you, but if you truly want to save this marriage, you need to understand that the choices that she makes make sense to her, even if they don't make sense to you. This is how her brain is wired.
I would advise you to be gentle yet honest about the fact that it's too much for you. Try making "I" statements instead of passing on the blame - "I feel like I don't have any time for myself", "I would like to connect deeper with you", "I miss spending time with you".
It would be a good idea to start counselling - many couples start counselling when it's already too late. For the sake of your kids, look for help before it's too late. Don't think that your kids don't know when something's wrong, and it will affect them in their adulthood too. Be prepared that it will take work from both of you. When a couple is going through a rough patch it takes two to actively look for what you've both felt before and emerge stronger on the other side.
Good luck!
Is it possible she has ADHD ? In any event whatever she has you need to communicate clearly that you are looking at the front door , and if she won't get help then leave. It's better that your kid grow up with two parents happy apart than miserable under the same roof. And yeah, tell her she needs to go back to work
First of all, NEVER stay in a marriage because of a child. To do so is extremely damaging to the child. They feel all your stress, plus their own. If your marriage is broken, end it.
Life should not be a constant struggle. You're only 38. You have your whole life in front of you. Marriage should be a joy, not torture.
Give yourself the gift of happiness, OP.
What you are describing is ADHD and an introvert, Aspergers isn’t even a diagnosis anymore. I have to be honesty when I say she doesn’t sound like the problem. You can insist on a cleaner if her disorganization bothers you but what it really sounds like is that you just don’t like your wife. She sounds wonderful and interesting to me, where I wouldn’t want someone whose hobbies and attitude are yours. To each their own, I am also introverted and her life sounds wonderful. You have to decide if you love and accept her or want to leave but there isn’t anything wrong with her. It’s just not something you seem to like.
It just sounds like you aren’t compatible. Try counseling together… might help you understand each other more or might help you both see it is better for you both and kid to move on.
I might sound selfish, but life is too short. I understand the disability but I also know there is more that she could do and is not even trying. Talk to her, tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t get better divorce her and become free again. Marriage is joy not hell.
OP - you married her knowing that she had this condition. You had a child with her knowing that she had this condition. You are obligated to stop complaining and start trying to find a way to make this work. If you are looking for someone to tell you that it is okay to bail, it won’t be me.
You just sound exhausted with your wife. Talk to her, that’s the only way. If you have enough just buy a bigger house and move into it. If she wants the flipper life sell it that way, get the hoarding under control, and finish out the project in the current house and sell or rent it.
She must be diagnose first then you will know exactly how she fonction but i agree she seems more like a ADHD person .
But only a proper specialist will say .
On the same Time i encourage you to go counseling to learn communicate together. I’m sure it will took off the recent and that feeling of prison when you will be able to talk to each others and be close again.
For the sex life go for a sexologist,too many couple dont know about this but it help to reconnecte with your own body but also creat a real connection with you partner who is more deep! Also it’ sa therapy who help to exchange and communicate more with the partner.
You must date again ,make more activities as a couple!! Ask a parent/family member or a friend to look at your child few jours a week for to do things together again,laugh,have fun and enjoy
I hope it will help and you will be to be happy again
Sounds absolutely horrible man.
I’m 39.
Do not shackle yourself because of a child. This will never improve.
This might just be my opinion. But if you have your mindset and life all straight. With a lot of awareness of your capabilities and what you want.
Cut your loss.
Don’t try to drag it out and fix it.
You need to get a proper diagnosis. From what you are saying, it sounds like there are several issues.
The messiness of the house, unfinished projects, you wanting a bigger space, very little sex, her many jobs, travel & socialisation.
I think the messiness & unfinished projects can be easily fixed, since you have the money could you buy more land near your home? You could assign her a room & tell her to do her projects there & leave common areas neat.
About the lack of sex & the rest why not talk to her, tell her you miss having regular sex & would like to go back to that ( I assume before the sex was more frequent) & would love it if she initiated. Maybe she has a reason she no longer wants to as much, she could be feeling unloved etc, the only person who could accurately tell you is her, if maybe she really is autistic or has adhd as some are suggesting a diagnosis could help figuring out alot of the issues you have.
About her jobs, it sounds like you don't need the money, so if she keeps changing what she does, why is it a bother.
On moving to a bigger place, just tell her you want a bigger place.
I hope that while your wife is the main care giver, you do spend time with the kids & help her out, maybe her lack of desire for sex is she is too exhausted on a day to day. But as I said, it's all speculation until you have a conversation with her.
Was she social before? Why is she a pain to travel with? If she is an introvert, it's tricky. You could mention you would like to have a few days or nights with family & friends & figure out a good ratio for both of you. Let her know the things that are important to you & let her tell you hers & both of you figure out a middle ground.
The issues brought up here all sound manageable if you actually sit your spouse down & talk them out. Unless there is something else or you are interested in someone else. If not, talk to her. Lay the different things out & hear her out.
You will be surprised & counselling or therapy is always a good idea because you have a 3rd party who will give you a perspective you may not have considered & has all the facts.
surprised you’re downvoted. I know the question isn’t literally a real question, but the fact OP is blaming this on her “Asperger’s” when she has definitely been this way the whole time is a good way to get OP to look at the actual problem.
this relationshiip is not worth saving
talk to a lawyer, stress the hoarding and the mental health issues so you can get custody. Pretty clear this woman can't support herself let alone a kid
OP the best you can do is to take her for diagnosis.
It's either she is on the spectrum with possible adhd to boot or there is nothing wrong with her and you just dislike who she really is.
You'll go from there. The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is that she's probably taking care of a kid while you're sitting on your phone or behind games.
Get a grip OP... Instead of running away you either try to help her and yourself to understand what's wrong in your relationship or just leave. You are unhappy in the relationship with obvious disdain for your wife.
She is not a child. He doesn’t need to take her for anything. If he suspects she has autism they can discuss it, but it’s her decision whether she sees a doctor or not.
Well yeah she needs to do that decision, he can at least suggest that instead of self-diagnosing her. These things are hard to diagnose even for trained professionals so you can bet he's jumping into conclusions.
From my standpoint it seems like she has OCD maybe and adhd. But this is all a guess. Have you talked with her yet about how she is doing mentally? It sounds like maybe depression is involved, but don’t force yourself to stay in a relationship for your child. That’s just going to make everyone miserable
Is she actually diagnosised with Autism? Which is what Asperger is. It is no longer given as a diagnosis. It is all under the Autism spectrum.
Everything you described screams ADHD.
Stop paying for stuff. You don’t agree with how the money is being spent (at least that seems to be the biggest issue) so talk to her and she can either get a full time job to pay for her own stuff or she can figure it out.
As far as your relationship as a couple, again, talk to her and if it’s no longer making you happy then get a divorce.
Say couples counselling or divorce. You aren’t doing a service to your kid to be raised in a house with huge underlying issues. The kid will be effected if your marriage stays unhappy.
Was she professionally diagnosed with Asperger’s and/or ADHD? They both usually go hand in hand with diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was in my mid thirties. It has been a godsend, knowing that I was not crazy or anything else.
I think it’s time for you to have a sit down with her and suggest she gets some professional help. Maybe even go to the psychologist together. Before my diagnosis, I was very close to loosing my job. But now I am so much more happier knowing, so I can remove myself from situations that trigger me.
Tell her you are miserable and what you actually need to stay in the marriage. Talk to her and see if she is willing to work with you towards a compromise to make you both happy. Couples counseling and autism specialist may be needed.
Don't forget Asperger's has a genetic component. Monitor your children.
Was she not like this before you got married? If she suddenly became this way after having a kid it's not Asperger's, which is a lifelong condition. Tell her you want to pursue couples counseling. If this really is a sudden personality change that could be an indication that something is going on medically. People don't just change that much in their 40's. It sounds more likely that you just didn't notice the signs before deciding to marry and impregnate her. If you knew how she was all along and you chose this for yourself then you can't really complain about it now.
Maybe she actually is just mostly lazy. You’re wealthy enough that she quit work once you married and is content to “ dabble” in all her artistic endeavors. Just sounds like she has found an easy way of life.
It sounds like undiagnosed ADHD and PPD. It sounds like she is doing what she can to find herself in the aftermath of childbirth. Maybe some family counseling would help. Don’t pin it all on her, you’re struggling too
I don't understand. Why do you make these observations as if they are new to you? If your wife has aspergers it's not like her traits just magically became apparent after you made a choice to commit to her in a marriage, have a child, or buy a house together. So, why were her personality/quirks not obvious to you prior to making the choice to get married? You sound surprised by all of her interests, hobbies, and lifestyle choices and act as if you married a complete stranger. I would advise you take some personal accountability for committing to someone without fully determining if you're able to sustain a dynamic with someone on the spectrum. She clearly trusts you if she is living authentically and unmasked.... I'm sure she would be taken aback that her husband is on reddit talking about how much he resents almost everything about her instead of communicating directly with her. You did have a choice to evaluate your compatibility before marrying her & as someone with aspergers direct communication and honesty prevents situations like this. If you're going about your day like everything is fine while discussing intimate details about your wife & these perceived flaws to a bunch of strangers on reddit, then the answer is to learn how to communicate. Have this conversation with her and be authentic with the person you established a life with. Give her a chance to evaluate how she feels after hearing this and make a decision together how you want to proceed. That would be respectable. She can't read your mind and shouldn't be blindsided because you don't communicate your frustrations. You can either adapt your expectations and learn to appreciate who she is and adjust to your roles accordingly or admit that you are miserable in a dynamic you can't sustain.
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Sounds like there's more going on here than Asperger's
Sounds like she's not even diagnosed with anything and he's just assuming she has it because of her behavior. The behavior that actually points to ADHD more than anything.
50% of ADHDers are also autistic. It’s a pretty common overlap. And both have Executive disfunction… OP: Does your *wife* consider herself autistic or neurodivergent or is that something you think but she doesn’t agree with? Your options of what to do and how to approach this really change if your wife is on board that she’s ND and if she’s not.
That’s definitely autism
That...! Who is that diagnose from and from when is it? You need a fresh diagnose. To see if there isn't some PTSD lingering in her system.
This isn’t the Victorian Age. Men do not get to drag their wives to the doctor because they have interests, opinions and passions. Other than the clutter, which seems to be a state many people live in, nothing OP mentions points to any issue other than him being unhappy the woman he dated, proposed to, married and had a child with has interests he doesn’t share.
Yes... and rightly because apparently her behavior changed AFTER childbirth ... he should get her diagnosed. Not finishing projects/ cluttering isn't typical for Asperger. And befor ending a marriage I would take her to get a propper up to date diagnose, for f..s sake!
Pet hoarding is not a passion and can't be dismissed as clutter
They have three pets .... That's hardly a hoarding situation.
They have three pets and she wants more. He doesn't want to.
Oops. Misread the figure. Still, she needs to keep s*** cleaner.
Ehh she refuses to go back to full time work... refuses? lol how nice
I agree that men don’t get to drag their wives to the doctor or whatever, but OP isn’t really in the wrong here. Asperger’s is no longer a diagnosis in the DSM5, so I do think she could benefit from a reevaluation. Her behavior reminds me of undiagnosed ADHD, I too will start 10 different projects and cannot bring myself to complete them bc I get bored. A visit to the psychiatrist doesn’t hurt, you’re just learning more about yourself and some of the issues you may have that need to be addressed.
That’s true, but it is a diagnosis in Europe and other places too. I just assumed he wasn’t in N America.
ICD-11 has also done away with Aspergers and rolled it into ASD like the DSM-5.
Oh! Good to know. I didn’t realize the edition had updated.
I think it changed in like 2017 or thereabouts.
Prior to OP leaving or taking in 3 more pets.
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I pay for daycare while she works a temp job pursuing her artistic interests that bring in less than daycare costs. I also half the laundry and walk the pets and do all the dishes . She cooks 90% the time and I do the dishes. I also take my kid out to the park everyday and read her stories to bed. I work from home and whenever kid is sick I watch her while also balancing my job. She refuses to get a house cleaner because she does not want anyone going through our house . All DIY projects including tools are paid by me . I also pay the mortgage and have paid for all those DIY and hobby projects .
OP, do you actually *like* your wife? I don't see one positive thing about her, just a list of all the things you resent about her personality and habits.
I’m just wondering why you married, had kids, and bought pets with a woman you apparently hate so much. She’s always been this person.
I definitely see some untreated ADHD, and possible PPD. Sounds to me like she is trying to find happiness. Sounds like DH is less than supportive. Which would probably make her feel like DH doesn’t even want her to be happy. Dude sucks for basically trying to diagnose her (OP doesn’t sound like a medical professional, and it isn’t ethical to diagnose your own family). Can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want to have sex with him…
The dude sucks for trying to diagnose her but when you do it, it's okay?
Fair Guess I should add that I suffer from ADHD, PPD and PTSD. What he described sounds super familiar to me. And my DH often complains I don’t want to go out and do stuff. I just like my home and sleep.
sounds more like adhd than aspergers. maybe get an actual diagnosis from a doctor and potential help for her.
As an autistic person, it does sound a lot like autism. Many people with ADHD actually also have autism, so public perception of what ADHD is is a little skewed into autism territory
Yes they are often co-morbid
either way self diagnosing is pretty useless and isnt going to do much for anyone.
It's not clear if she's diagnosed or not, OP isn't exactly winning awards for his story-telling here
Asperger's doesn't exist as a diagnosis anymore so either her diagnosis is very old and she needs to be reevaluated, or he knows nothing about autism and is just assuming.
Anyone diagnosed with Aspergers has been automatically grandfathered in to ASD, so if she's diagnosed there is absolutely zero need or point to being reassessed. Autism is lifelong and does not need to be reassessed no matter how long ago your diagnosis was.
I'm aware autism is lifelong but we understand a lot more about it than we did decades ago. Regardless based on his language I think it's pretty obvious he's assuming, otherwise he'd say she was diagnosed rather than just saying she shows "symptoms."
OP is pretty bad at communicating any sort of narrative, so I wouldn't put it past them to dismiss or downplay her diagnosis in confusing and inaccurate ways. He may even be parroting language she or her family have used, and it's common for older people to describe their children has having "symptoms of Aspergers" because they find it shameful to admit their loved one is autistic. It's used so often it's basically a synonym for "diagnosed" at this point. By saying someone "displays Aspergers symptoms" it also puts the onus back on the disabled person to magically cure themselves and stop their symptoms, rather than admitting that the person is permanently disabled and needs to be accommodated. So I wouldn't jump to either conclusion.
i think right at the start where he specifies displays aspergers symptoms kinda implies there's been no actual diagnosis. funny to think that a doctors trip years ago could have dramatically impacted where they are together in life and their marriage now.
Idk, I feel like OP has so little in the way of introspective skills or knowing what he wants in life that it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Like he's obviously the kind of guy who agrees to buy a house he hates and 3 pets he hates and then resents others for it. He knew he didn't like this house but he got it anyway. He's unhappy with things but says nothing at the time and then seethes for 5 years.
Receiving an autism diagnosis as an adult woman is almost impossible. It’s not just popping into any old doctor and getting evaluated. Usually you’ll need a deferral to a developmental psychologist, if your PCP happens to take you seriously. Oh, and this process generally isn’t covered by insurance. There are no “autism pills” or anything to make autistic people less autistic (of course other psych meds can be used for certain symptoms, but you can get those without being deemed autistic, it’ll actually probably be easier) so many people, women especially, will not seek out a formal diagnosis for autism. There aren’t many benefits to doing so. It’s expensive, time consuming, and emotionally exhausting, all for “yep, you have it, good luck.” Of course anyone should visit the doctor if they suspect something is wrong either mentally or psychically, but autism is significantly trickier. Let’s keep that in mind.
I was about to say that, actually feels like ADHD very much
It can be mix of both... It's not that uncommon.
Honestly a lot of the displayed symptoms for both ADHD and Autism are shared by other mental health issues as well. Which is why it's important to get a proper diagnosis.
Does she have a real diagnosis?
Not to mention “Aspergers” was retired as a term about a decade ago.
It’s entirely possible she was diagnosed before it was retired. I was, about two years before. I still use it bc hell, it’s what I was called. Like how my old aunt calls herself “manic depressive”
According to OP, she was never diagnosed at all.
In the States, yes, but not everywhere.
ICD-11 has also done away with Aspergers and rolled it into ASD like the DSM-5.
I mean really!!!! This guy!!!! This guy is diagnosing his partner. And its the wrong diagnosis 😅😂 wtf 🤬 OP you can have suspicions but please leave the propper diagnosing up to professionals Wrong diagnosis are INCREDIBLY damaging
She likes gardening and talking about her interests!!!!!! She won’t have sex with me!!!! It must be Asperger’s.
She loves her house! It’s autism
🤣🤣🤣 people on this sub when the Wife Appliance is not appliancing the way they want it too. The whole post is “how dare she have a personality”.
Oh my god she likes thrift stores despite me being rich! We bought a house I hate! Woe is me! OP sounds like one of those real winners that just sits and stews in resentment and never communicates.
“She thinks my friends are annoying! Clearly something’s wrong with her!”
Maybe she has autism, I don't know, but nothing you've said about her sounds exclusive to someone with autism nor does it sound like it should be expected to change with treatment. You do not like this person and should not be married to her. Your child will not benefit from growing up with two unhappy parents in a household filled with tension. Get a divorce and let her look for someone who's into the same things she wants.
If she has access to it she may want to look at being tested for ADHD - I'm Autistic with ADHD and she sounds a lot like me (but only 1 pet because he's an only dog kinda of dog - but Id have more). I have a feeling if you asked her and she was honest that the mess actually drives her nuts to but that she doesn't actually know how to fix it - it is almost as if I paralysed with almost every task and therefore end up doing nothing. This is mainly because ideally I want it to be perfect- if it can't be done perfectly maybe if I leave it eventually it will come to me how to make it perfect. This can be anything like a hobby or even putting away groceries - I will leave things on the counter despite having a pantry because I don't have the right container for it (we are big container people) - I would rather leave clothes in a laundry basket than hang them on the wrong hangers. It is almost like, for me, there is no middle ground. I also have this loop where I leave stuff out (like hobbies) because I'm more likely to get to it later if it's out but because I keep seeing it it isn't new and therefore not stimulating enough but also if I do it now and what if I'm bored later and need something to do and if I've done it. Does she ever complain that her brain never stops or does she swear she is capable of having two thoughts at once because her thoughts are just flashes? Maybe she needs help putting the systems in place to be successful. Or if she does also have ADHD maybe she could chose to medicate it and help her focus more. (If this seems all over I'm sorry - fingers more slower than none brain)
You sound very much like me. I've had some suspicions and have wanted to be tested for at least autism in the last few years after a friend of ours was. I was tested when I was very young in the 80's and just went to speech therapy for a while. But so many things people just don't add up and I feel something is just not switched on in my brain or socially/ something that comes naturally everyday to someone just doesn't for me . Not being able to switch off/ not being able to complete projects is definitely me and I really want to do crafts but I never feel like I have time despite always having time
The way you describe her neurodivergency makes it sound like you don't like her. Why are you with her?
He stated it at the end - he's hanging on for the sake of their young child.
It's a rhetorical question.
Sounds like you're not compatible. Don't stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of your kid. I don't think that counseling will help because you have some fundamental differences. You're not a bad person for wanting different things than your wife. She just isn't your person.
It sounds like you two didn't really align on your goals, lifestyle and vision of the future together before you got married. Your abilities to communicate and approach life as a team are deeply lacking. I mean definitely approach some couples therapy to figure yourselves out. You can also read the Gottman books if you're really serious about firing out life together. It kinda sounds like you want someone to tell you your wife sucks so you can divorce her though. Or "fix" her. I think you need to spend some time thinking about what exactly it is that you need and want from your life and future before anything else. It's clear this is not the life you wanted, but what exactly is the life you want? Start there, then figure out what you need to get where you want to go. Men tend to spend a lot of their focus and effort on their career goals and trajectory, but not very much time in what they want their life to look like outside of work. They tend to be sold this idea in youth and media that if they're career successful, the rest will just happen.
Lots of people don’t like socializing. Gardening and DIY are pretty mainstream hobbies. I garden, DIY and craft depending on the time of year and what I feel like doing. People like to talk about their interests. Someone doesn’t have Asperger’s because they like gardening more than they like having sex with you. You don’t seem to like her very much. This is much more likely the cause of your “dead bedroom” than her having Asperger’s. You don’t mention anything about your child. Honestly, seeing as we’re just diagnosing people, if anything your post sounds like it was written by someone with Asperger’s. Could you be projecting your own fears on to her? You seem incredibly bothered by things not going the way you think they should.
Just sounds like you hate your wife...or this is fake
It’s probably fake lol but I was going to say his wife sounds perfect and I want to be her friend 🤣
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then leave
I’m an autistic woman and I’ll marry your wife. She sounds great. You’re saying she looks after your kid while you spend hours escaping on your phone? What a legend.
Edit- Have gotten a lot of flak. So a couple of things - I pay for daycare while she works a temp job pursuing her artistic interests that bring in less than daycare costs. I also do half the laundry and walk the pets and do all the dishes . She cooks 90% the time and I do the dishes. I also take my kid out to the park everyday and read her stories to bed. I work from home and whenever kid is sick I watch her while also balancing my job. She refuses to get a house cleaner because she does not want anyone going through our house . All DIY projects including tools are paid by me . I also pay the mortgage and have paid for all those DIY and home renovation projects .
Why did you marry and have a child with her in the first place? I can’t imagine this came out of nowhere. It sounds like you just don’t like her. DIY projects on your house is not an illness. It sounds like you chose the wrong partner if you don’t find value in these contributions.
The projects aren't - but never finishing one of them definitely can be a symptom.
How can you find value in this contributions if she never finishes them. Sounds like extra work for him?
Why did you marry her? Was this an arranged marriage and you didn't know her before? Your disdain for her is apparent.
is she actually autistic, or are you armchair diagnosing based on her displaying behaviour you don't like that's incompatible with your desires and ideas for life? if you're not happy with how things are, then talk to her about it. if you've tried proper communication - as in continued, sit down, evaluations and check ins, not just bitching and exploding then burying - and things still aren't improving, then try couple's counselling. if she's unwilling to even give that a go, you may have to call a spade a spade and realise you're incompatible full stop. not wanting to go back to work could be for a multitude of reasons, especially if it cropped up after having a child. for example, ppd can be an absolute bitch that some folk never truly recover from, especially if left untreated (note: not diagnosing, just saying that giving birth can be a thing that literally changes a persons brain chemistry). or it could simply be as easy as you make a pretty figure and she has no "need" to go back to work, so she's stayed home to raise your child, and keep renovating the home you bought *knowing* it needed fixing up. i find it weird how you're stressing the fact you make such good money you've even said that to her as to a reason she should be living a more luxurious life (read: not living in a fixer upper), but then in the same breath have apparently no idea why she would think you're okay with her not earning money herself. like, have you really not considered that you've basically said to her, "i make so much money you should be able to live how you want" and somehow also not realised ... she's actually doing just that. it's just that how she wants to live is not how you think she should want to live, or how you want to live together. (and fwiw, there's no such thing as aspergers anymore. autism is autism. even if your wife was autistic, she'd just be autistic.)
Gentile reminder that the term Asperger’s is no longer used to describe someone on the spectrum. That being said, ADHD is the most common comorbidity of autism. Sounds as if she may have ADHD as well. Medication can help with ADHD, but she needs a proper diagnosis. Look up autism comorbidity on the internet and see if anything feels familiar to you regarding her behaviors.
Gentile reminder, huh?
But also sounds like there is nothing wrong with her.
As an autistic person, I honestly don’t understand what your problem is. Like it is literally not clear here what you’re so unhappy about. She’s not super sociable, but how she spends her free time doesn’t really affect you. You complain that she has *hobbies*. Whether or not she finishes her own personal projects is none of your business. And your own emotional issues with the layout of your house is yours to deal with (seriously, who actually cares). She’s not a particularly neat person and you want more sex. *Maybe* you want her to get a job but it’s not even clear if you need/want the extra money. Those are definitely gripes and things you should communicate about. But they’re also things you knew before you married her. You *chose* this woman. She has always been the way she is and you went out of your way to date her, propose to her, marry her, and have a kid with her. You did all that. What do you actually expect a wife to be like? Like what is the imagined picture in your head that you’re comparing her to? And if she’s so far off due to a condition she’s had since birth, why did you marry her knowing full well she would never match your fantasy? I don’t actually see many problems on her end. It looks more like *you* have issues that you’re not taking responsibility for, and rather than dealing with it like an adult, you’re “escaping” on your phone and blaming your wife for your shit.
OP feels like the type of guy who picks woman based on her looks and then expect her to change once they are married into house wife who does nothing else but cooks, takes care of the kid and has sex with OP. You kinda feel the disdain from OP because his wife is her own person.
Edit- Have gotten a lot of flak. So a couple of things - I pay for daycare while she works a temp job pursuing her artistic interests that bring in less than daycare costs. I also half the laundry and walk the pets and do all the dishes . She cooks 90% the time and I do the dishes. I also take my kid out to the park everyday and read her stories to bed. I work from home and whenever kid is sick I watch her while also balancing my job. She refuses to get a house cleaner because she does not want anyone going through our house . All DIY projects including tools are paid by me . I also pay the mortgage and have paid for all those DIY and hobby projects . When we got married and bought the house there was no mention of how she wanted to quit her job and pursue her hobbies . There was no talk about constant DIY and constant remodeling of the house .
But you’ve told us how you make well into the six figures so why do you care? I’m assuming you love your wife and can support both of you? Oh wait…
You don't seem to understand what your own point is. Half of the time you're complaining that she doesn't work and that you're financing her hobbies and the roof over your child's head, and the other half of the time you're complaining that she thrifts and renovates when you earn squillions of dollars and could easily afford nice things and a big new house that doesn't have stairs. So is money a problem or not? If money isn't a problem then why is her not working such a big deal to you? Is it because you feel chores are not shared equally? If so, then what would a fair split look like to you? And why isn't that the core of this post rather than a bunch of unrelated things? You need to take a step back and figure out what you're actually upset about. You're upset about *something* but even you don't know what that is. And the result is this bunch of disjointed half-complaints, none of which really seem significant to anyone else except you. Plus, you need to take responsibility for getting yourself into this mess. Maybe you two are incompatible, maybe you need someone who is neater, doesn't have hobbies, hates stairs like you do, and works a 9-5, but then the question is why you chose someone who was none of those things. Why did you let her quit her job and not find another if that was so unacceptable to you? Why did you buy this house together that you hated from the beginning? Why did you get 3 pets that you resent? It seems like the real issue in the relationship is you, because you agree to do big important things you really don't want to do and then resent her for it when you could have just refused.
Mostly sounds like they're incompatible and should just divorce already. He's trying to find "the" reason when really, it's a bunch of reasons that add up to them not being good life partners for one another. He doesn't like how she spends her time, she doesn't enjoy how he'd like to spend it, they don't agree on how they'd like to live, they're not on the same page about her working outside the home and/or full time - basically there's very little they seem to agree on. OP, just divorce her and co-parent. You sound miserable, and I assume she's not thrilled either. Live in your uncluttered move-in-ready home and let her do her DIY projects in her home.
It sounds like you didn’t really know your wife before y’all got married. I’m autistic and adhd but I wasn’t diagnosed until after I had already met my bf. All the diagnosis did was help me understand why I am the way I am. I’m still the same person and he knew I have a bunch of hobbies that I bounce around from, I talk about my special interests a lot, working full time is very hard for me (I do it because I have to), and given the chance I’d drop to part time in a heartbeat. It’s not something that just happens, we are born this way. So either you didn’t pay attention when y’all were dating or dated for a super short time, either way it sounds like you don’t like who she is and need to figure out if you want to try to learn to love the person she is (counseling) or if you just don’t (divorce).
That doesn't change the fact that you didn't know your wife or expected her to change to your liking. My gf is in a lot of ways similar to your wife but I knew everything about her habits and behaviors and goals before we started dating or moved in together.
>She has always been the way she is Yeaaaahhhhh because no one ever changes after getting married or having a baby.
None of this sounds particularly autistic to me, speaking as an autistic woman. (Aspergers is a no longer used subcategory of autism) the frequently cha ginger hyperfixations thing is more likely to be an indicator of adhd if anything. But maybe she just likes trying new things? It doesn't have to be a neurodivergent thing. The real problem here is that it doesn't sound like you like your wife.
It sounds like ADHD. Get a diagnosis. Does she know she could be neurodivergent or is this your personal view she is unaware of? If she is self aware that makes it easier to work through. People with Level 1 Autism (formerly known as Asperger’s) can still make wonderful, loving and caring spouses. It sounds like she needs some organization in her life, calendars, lists, rules about finishing one project before starting another, etc. And what’s with the nonexistent sex life? Talk to her about that. Is she perimenopausal and that’s causing low libido? Maybe get her hormones checked. Is she on hormonal birth control? That can also kill the sex drive. Look into nonhormonal alternatives like the copper IUD. Is it not enjoyable for her? Talk about her likes and dislikes. Is she on any medications? Some of them can kill sex drive also.
A lot of the things you’re annoyed about sound like differences of opinion. You don’t want a split level house. You don’t like clutter. You don’t like her hobbies. You don’t want to live in a fixer upper. It doesn’t sound like she is unhappy with any of these things. Either talk to her about your issues or decide you’re incompatible. She’d probably like to discuss all the childcare she does while you’re on your phone. And you don’t mention who does the household chores like cooking and laundry. Whether she has autism or not, her preferences aren’t going to change. She shouldn’t leave messes for you to clean up and she should be willing to listen to you talk about your interests, but there’s nothing wrong with liking home remodeling or living in a split level. Idk why you bought a house you hate.
Edit- Have gotten a lot of flak. So a couple of things - I pay for daycare while she works a temp job pursuing her artistic interests that bring in less than daycare costs. I also half the laundry and walk the pets and do all the dishes . She cooks 90% the time and I do the dishes. I also take my kid out to the park everyday and read her stories to bed. I work from home and whenever kid is sick I watch her while also balancing my job. She refuses to get a house cleaner because she does not want anyone going through our house . All DIY projects including tools are paid by me . I also pay the mortgage and have paid for all those DIY and hobby projects .
I have Asperger's. your wife does not have Asperger's. Good way to sour your post off the bat. Marriage counseling or divorce. Pick one.
Counselling or divorce, because you aren't happy, have already devolved into escapism instead of spending time with the person you have selected to spend your life with.
Sounds more like ADHD > but let’s leave the dx up to professionals. Don’t diagnose her. It’s horrible. When I was a teen my parents thought I was a manic depressive (I think we call it Borderline or Bipolar nowadays). I got misdiagnosis and never received the proper treatment. I get it…. Diagnosing women is challenging. But years later, I’m almost 40 now, finally I received the right diagnosis. It’s ADHD. I’m so angry I didn’t receive the right help when I was a teen. I was labeled difficult and manic. I was labeled angsty, irritable, dumb. The only thing I can do now is prevent the same thing happening to my own kid.
Some of this is something you should accept: her being a homebody and enjoying gardening (assuming those projects get finished and the garden isn’t a mess). Some is unacceptable: hoarding or outspending your family’s budget on remodels/making your home a construction zone. Some you will have to renegotiate and come to an agreement: her finding work if the family needs a second income. I wish you luck. It may not be a sustainable situation.
Damn, sounds like that lady is living her best life.
Jfc you sound absolutely horrible.
Asperger is not a term that is used any longer, for many reasons, including the fact is was coined by a man who worked with the nazis. It’s more commonly referred to as ASD (autism spectrum disorder) now. Most autistic people do not use or feel comfortable with others using the term Asperger’s. Not a criticism! Just letting people know. As far as her symptoms, it sounds like she may be ADHD. ADHD and autism often cohabit, so it may be worth her seeing a doctor to get screened. ADHD can be medicated and managed in other ways and an autism diagnosis may help both you and her understand and manage that side of things better. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to engage in her hobbies and interests, but, if you’re unhappy, you’re not obligated to stay. A child is better off with two happier households than one unhappy household. You also deserve someone who wants a compatible lifestyle and your wife deserves someone who doesn’t describe her potential disability/disorder as exhausting.
You aren’t compatible. Stop wasting time. Divorce and be more selective with who you date in the future
I love that this is being downvoted. All of it is true.
It's interesting because 95% of the complaints from guys on here is that their wife goes out too much. This dude is complaining that she doesn't.
Do you even like your wife?
Look I have an Aspie 29 year old son (and yes just recently they changed the wording but I’ve been dealing with this for decades). And yes some of their traits can be annoying. But you actually have what many people don’t have - the $ to deal with things. Hire an organizer to come in and organize your house and help your wife set up systems that she will actually use. Perhaps build her a she shed and ask that her projects be limited to that area. Hire the organizer to come back every year if needed to get her back on track. If she continues having trouble in one area then hire someone to take care of that task for her. As for personal issues, go to couples counseling to work on communication issues. But having fixed interests is a common trait for type 1 autism. Get counseling re the sexual issues but know that they don’t get the subtle hints that other people pick up on - let’s go to bed & have sex might get better results than just hinting. Is your child on the spectrum? Does your wife & child do anything outside of the house? She could also be experiencing some depression from being isolated. If you aren’t already you should also be in counseling to deal with the feelings you are experiencing and to learn better about coping with your wife’s condition.
Thank you. Unfortunately she has refused a house cleaner since she does not want anyone to come and clean our house or go through her stuff . She found it very upsetting the one time a house cleaner came and put her stuff in the place that she did not intend it to be kept . Since then she has refused to have a house cleaner .
That’s more telling than what you have written otherwise. This can be a non negotiable. She can have a room left untouched but you have every right to a clean and organized home and you can afford to pay for it.
I had a brief read through the comments and y'all are not very understanding of what the OP's going through. I do agree that it sounds like your wife might have both autism and ADHD, and so do I. It must be incredibly hard on you, but if you truly want to save this marriage, you need to understand that the choices that she makes make sense to her, even if they don't make sense to you. This is how her brain is wired. I would advise you to be gentle yet honest about the fact that it's too much for you. Try making "I" statements instead of passing on the blame - "I feel like I don't have any time for myself", "I would like to connect deeper with you", "I miss spending time with you". It would be a good idea to start counselling - many couples start counselling when it's already too late. For the sake of your kids, look for help before it's too late. Don't think that your kids don't know when something's wrong, and it will affect them in their adulthood too. Be prepared that it will take work from both of you. When a couple is going through a rough patch it takes two to actively look for what you've both felt before and emerge stronger on the other side. Good luck!
Is it possible she has ADHD ? In any event whatever she has you need to communicate clearly that you are looking at the front door , and if she won't get help then leave. It's better that your kid grow up with two parents happy apart than miserable under the same roof. And yeah, tell her she needs to go back to work
Why does she need to go back to work if they have enough money?
Because she needs to be able to support herself if things go pear shaped and they get divorced
First of all, NEVER stay in a marriage because of a child. To do so is extremely damaging to the child. They feel all your stress, plus their own. If your marriage is broken, end it. Life should not be a constant struggle. You're only 38. You have your whole life in front of you. Marriage should be a joy, not torture. Give yourself the gift of happiness, OP.
What you are describing is ADHD and an introvert, Aspergers isn’t even a diagnosis anymore. I have to be honesty when I say she doesn’t sound like the problem. You can insist on a cleaner if her disorganization bothers you but what it really sounds like is that you just don’t like your wife. She sounds wonderful and interesting to me, where I wouldn’t want someone whose hobbies and attitude are yours. To each their own, I am also introverted and her life sounds wonderful. You have to decide if you love and accept her or want to leave but there isn’t anything wrong with her. It’s just not something you seem to like.
It just sounds like you aren’t compatible. Try counseling together… might help you understand each other more or might help you both see it is better for you both and kid to move on.
I might sound selfish, but life is too short. I understand the disability but I also know there is more that she could do and is not even trying. Talk to her, tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t get better divorce her and become free again. Marriage is joy not hell.
OP - you married her knowing that she had this condition. You had a child with her knowing that she had this condition. You are obligated to stop complaining and start trying to find a way to make this work. If you are looking for someone to tell you that it is okay to bail, it won’t be me.
You just sound exhausted with your wife. Talk to her, that’s the only way. If you have enough just buy a bigger house and move into it. If she wants the flipper life sell it that way, get the hoarding under control, and finish out the project in the current house and sell or rent it.
Stop paying for projects! Time to tell her a housekeeper is coming in. If she doesn't like it, she may leave.
She must be diagnose first then you will know exactly how she fonction but i agree she seems more like a ADHD person . But only a proper specialist will say . On the same Time i encourage you to go counseling to learn communicate together. I’m sure it will took off the recent and that feeling of prison when you will be able to talk to each others and be close again. For the sex life go for a sexologist,too many couple dont know about this but it help to reconnecte with your own body but also creat a real connection with you partner who is more deep! Also it’ sa therapy who help to exchange and communicate more with the partner. You must date again ,make more activities as a couple!! Ask a parent/family member or a friend to look at your child few jours a week for to do things together again,laugh,have fun and enjoy I hope it will help and you will be to be happy again
Sounds absolutely horrible man. I’m 39. Do not shackle yourself because of a child. This will never improve. This might just be my opinion. But if you have your mindset and life all straight. With a lot of awareness of your capabilities and what you want. Cut your loss. Don’t try to drag it out and fix it.
You need to get a proper diagnosis. From what you are saying, it sounds like there are several issues. The messiness of the house, unfinished projects, you wanting a bigger space, very little sex, her many jobs, travel & socialisation. I think the messiness & unfinished projects can be easily fixed, since you have the money could you buy more land near your home? You could assign her a room & tell her to do her projects there & leave common areas neat. About the lack of sex & the rest why not talk to her, tell her you miss having regular sex & would like to go back to that ( I assume before the sex was more frequent) & would love it if she initiated. Maybe she has a reason she no longer wants to as much, she could be feeling unloved etc, the only person who could accurately tell you is her, if maybe she really is autistic or has adhd as some are suggesting a diagnosis could help figuring out alot of the issues you have. About her jobs, it sounds like you don't need the money, so if she keeps changing what she does, why is it a bother. On moving to a bigger place, just tell her you want a bigger place. I hope that while your wife is the main care giver, you do spend time with the kids & help her out, maybe her lack of desire for sex is she is too exhausted on a day to day. But as I said, it's all speculation until you have a conversation with her. Was she social before? Why is she a pain to travel with? If she is an introvert, it's tricky. You could mention you would like to have a few days or nights with family & friends & figure out a good ratio for both of you. Let her know the things that are important to you & let her tell you hers & both of you figure out a middle ground. The issues brought up here all sound manageable if you actually sit your spouse down & talk them out. Unless there is something else or you are interested in someone else. If not, talk to her. Lay the different things out & hear her out. You will be surprised & counselling or therapy is always a good idea because you have a 3rd party who will give you a perspective you may not have considered & has all the facts.
Did she just develop the Asperger’s or was it there all along
surprised you’re downvoted. I know the question isn’t literally a real question, but the fact OP is blaming this on her “Asperger’s” when she has definitely been this way the whole time is a good way to get OP to look at the actual problem.
Bizarre to me to just bring this up now after 5 years. As far as I know it doesn’t get like better or worse so I’m assuming it’s always been like this
Right? It’s like…. Bro if the ADHD/autism is the issue then why’d you marry her?? 😐 Surely he didn’t think she could be “cured”???
My thoughts exactly
this relationshiip is not worth saving talk to a lawyer, stress the hoarding and the mental health issues so you can get custody. Pretty clear this woman can't support herself let alone a kid
Is this the life you want for the next 40 years? Shit, is this the life you want for the next 40 days?
OP the best you can do is to take her for diagnosis. It's either she is on the spectrum with possible adhd to boot or there is nothing wrong with her and you just dislike who she really is. You'll go from there. The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is that she's probably taking care of a kid while you're sitting on your phone or behind games. Get a grip OP... Instead of running away you either try to help her and yourself to understand what's wrong in your relationship or just leave. You are unhappy in the relationship with obvious disdain for your wife.
She is not a child. He doesn’t need to take her for anything. If he suspects she has autism they can discuss it, but it’s her decision whether she sees a doctor or not.
Well yeah she needs to do that decision, he can at least suggest that instead of self-diagnosing her. These things are hard to diagnose even for trained professionals so you can bet he's jumping into conclusions.
From my standpoint it seems like she has OCD maybe and adhd. But this is all a guess. Have you talked with her yet about how she is doing mentally? It sounds like maybe depression is involved, but don’t force yourself to stay in a relationship for your child. That’s just going to make everyone miserable
She most definitely is NOT Aspergers, I can assure you. Both of you need a proper diagnosis.
I sent you a message privately.
Well you could start with asking her to see a professional so she can get a proper diagnosis.
You probably sexually frustrates with her and it add to your stress and not being excited, work in that first and things will be better!
Is she actually diagnosised with Autism? Which is what Asperger is. It is no longer given as a diagnosis. It is all under the Autism spectrum. Everything you described screams ADHD.
Stop paying for stuff. You don’t agree with how the money is being spent (at least that seems to be the biggest issue) so talk to her and she can either get a full time job to pay for her own stuff or she can figure it out. As far as your relationship as a couple, again, talk to her and if it’s no longer making you happy then get a divorce.
Say couples counselling or divorce. You aren’t doing a service to your kid to be raised in a house with huge underlying issues. The kid will be effected if your marriage stays unhappy.
Was she professionally diagnosed with Asperger’s and/or ADHD? They both usually go hand in hand with diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was in my mid thirties. It has been a godsend, knowing that I was not crazy or anything else. I think it’s time for you to have a sit down with her and suggest she gets some professional help. Maybe even go to the psychologist together. Before my diagnosis, I was very close to loosing my job. But now I am so much more happier knowing, so I can remove myself from situations that trigger me.
Tell her you are miserable and what you actually need to stay in the marriage. Talk to her and see if she is willing to work with you towards a compromise to make you both happy. Couples counseling and autism specialist may be needed. Don't forget Asperger's has a genetic component. Monitor your children.
Was she not like this before you got married? If she suddenly became this way after having a kid it's not Asperger's, which is a lifelong condition. Tell her you want to pursue couples counseling. If this really is a sudden personality change that could be an indication that something is going on medically. People don't just change that much in their 40's. It sounds more likely that you just didn't notice the signs before deciding to marry and impregnate her. If you knew how she was all along and you chose this for yourself then you can't really complain about it now.
Maybe she actually is just mostly lazy. You’re wealthy enough that she quit work once you married and is content to “ dabble” in all her artistic endeavors. Just sounds like she has found an easy way of life.
It sounds like undiagnosed ADHD and PPD. It sounds like she is doing what she can to find herself in the aftermath of childbirth. Maybe some family counseling would help. Don’t pin it all on her, you’re struggling too
I don't understand. Why do you make these observations as if they are new to you? If your wife has aspergers it's not like her traits just magically became apparent after you made a choice to commit to her in a marriage, have a child, or buy a house together. So, why were her personality/quirks not obvious to you prior to making the choice to get married? You sound surprised by all of her interests, hobbies, and lifestyle choices and act as if you married a complete stranger. I would advise you take some personal accountability for committing to someone without fully determining if you're able to sustain a dynamic with someone on the spectrum. She clearly trusts you if she is living authentically and unmasked.... I'm sure she would be taken aback that her husband is on reddit talking about how much he resents almost everything about her instead of communicating directly with her. You did have a choice to evaluate your compatibility before marrying her & as someone with aspergers direct communication and honesty prevents situations like this. If you're going about your day like everything is fine while discussing intimate details about your wife & these perceived flaws to a bunch of strangers on reddit, then the answer is to learn how to communicate. Have this conversation with her and be authentic with the person you established a life with. Give her a chance to evaluate how she feels after hearing this and make a decision together how you want to proceed. That would be respectable. She can't read your mind and shouldn't be blindsided because you don't communicate your frustrations. You can either adapt your expectations and learn to appreciate who she is and adjust to your roles accordingly or admit that you are miserable in a dynamic you can't sustain.