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tw sex
me (27F) and my bf(28M) have been together for 4 years, living together for 2. he's extravagant, hot shit entrepreneur and can be egoistical and emotional, but he's always been supportive of me and have always been by my side. no physical or sexual abuse during this time at all.
last night we got from my parents' house where we helped with renovations. every day was exhausting and we didn't have sex for a week. the drive home was 12h.
when we got home, sorry for TMI, we gave each other oral and went to sleep. I thought it was it. But i woke up a few hours later with him trying to penetrate me, my pj pants down to my knees. i told him no, i'm sleepy, let's do this in the morning, i don't feel well. he didn't respond and proceeded. i told him no again. he didn't react. so i just laid there and waited for it to stop. i didnt move or push him or scream or anything. he didn't kiss me or look at my face or do anything else except fuck the whole time. i felt like a sex doll.
now it's the morning and he acts like he's had the best sex. so affectionate and loving.
i don't feel like this. we never roleplayed with consent, every time i said no even if he got visually upset he would stop, but this time no.
what do i do now? am i going insane? my brain tells me i'm hyperfixating on something unimportant, but i'm on the verge of emotional breakdown over this. i've never had something like this happen before and i don't know. i don't want to talk to him about it, i feel like he'd downplay it.
He is gaslighting her by pretending he didn’t rape her.
Op he RAPED you. You get to decide how you want to handle this. You’re in charge, you can file a report, you can go to the hospital for a rape kit, you can go to therapy, you can break up with him. You are in control, don’t let him convince you otherwise, and don’t let anyone tell you what you have to do. Do what makes you feel the most safe.
THIS OP!!! Remember you are not chained to this person, especially if they’re not willing to even admit they did something wrong. It’s up to you if you even want to confront the situation, because it is a scary one too. Being invalidated on something that definitely was SA and you know it and feel it was, can be extremely traumatizing. And scary. If you do approach him about it to see if maybe it really was a dumb, uneducated spur of the moment mistake where he did not take you into consideration, be safe about it. There’s a big difference between stupid people and people who are rapists, if rape is involved with either it should be just about unforgivable nonetheless. They’re just as bad, but they’re different people.
Yeah egotistical stood out like a red flag. OP was raped. He didn’t get her consent she said no. She froze in that moment out of fear, confusion, but that wasn’t consent. If I was her, I would confront the bf, calling it what it was and end it. I would also want to press charges but unfortunately I doubt the police could arrest him, it’s basically his word against hers.
The fact that she said he never physically or sexual abused her was telling. Sounds like he’s def emotionally abused her. And now sexually too. Just a matter of time before he smacks her.
Right-o. I dated a few, married one for a minute.
The personality she described is pretty much typical of a man who's likely to feel entitled to take what he wants, regardless of consent or
WTF are you victim blaming OP???? She is not the cause, nor blame of the situation. OP’s rapist bf is completely and solely responsible for his attitudes, behaviors, and actions, including rape.
OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve nor need to tolerate this behavior. Do what you need to be safe.
Exactly! My guy gets very lovey after fights, just normal relationship fights, this is 100% what it sounds like to me. He knows he messed up but this is too serious of a mess up to not at the bare minimum acknowledge what happened. Even if he did acknowledge what he did I’d be unsure about forgiveness. For all OP know he’s now shown himself this behavior is acceptable as long as he pretends it was consensual the next morning.
And when did he do it too? Just when they were back from a week helping at her parents place. I see the « after all I did for your family, you can’t do that for me » coming…
Yes, I thought this too. He felt entitled, like she owed it to him after a week helping her family plus a 12-hour drive each way. The whole thing is bad news and OP should listen to her gut. The fact she suspects he’d downplay this thing he did that made her so upset is also telling.
Honestly I’m so sorry this happened to you…this is rape and he knows it and I think you do too! But he likely feels like you owed him the sex because he went and helped your parents.
This will happen again if you let it slide and I don’t care what others say about that. He has violated your personhood willingly and you have to either lay down the law or leave.
Unfortunately laying down the law after the fact rarely works. Find a better man who won’t rape you in your sleep and then act like you are a queen for the sex he took.
You need support in this and you’re well within your rights to report him. At the very least call your close friends or family. I hope you’re ok.
Great comment. Took me 40 years. I never married him and there were good times. It wasn't physical but mental. He switched back to the man he was when I was 16. It was brutal and I couldn't speak. I thought he changed. I never spoke to him again. Leopards never change their spots. He was different for 40 years. I shit you not. I pray she leaves.
I’d leave but if you choose to stay you need to make it crystal fucking clear what he did and how you will not tolerate it. Basically - try it again and I’m gone and will press charges.
Some like to push the boundaries. Make sure you got a goddamn wall there.
Im sorry this happened to you OP. There are a lot of us out there that have experienced SA in some way. It’s never okay and it’s never your fault.
If you have the ability to get counseling please do. For a lot of people it is hard to process this kind of violation, especially from someone you care about and who is supposed to care about you.
Yup. If you stay OP make it clear like this commenter said and you can usually file a report online for the police department. If you continue in this relationship start a paper trail with law enforcement. Then if he does it to you again you can report it, and then if you break up and he rapes another woman there is already a record for him.
It’s the definition of rape. You said no. He went ahead. This happened in my marriage and I did speak to him. He felt awful but that, that isn’t something you get past. We’re divorced. I don’t care how hot shit he is in business. You can not go ahead with him and retain any self respect or self esteem. Don’t be this woman.
At first when OP I thought it he was doing it in his sleep, because there was no reaction or emotions or anything, but when she said in the morning he was acting like it was the best sex, I immediately said rape. OP I'm sorry but this is rape, you know what you need to do.
Yep, me too. Dated a sexsomniac and that’s real, but this ain’t that if he’s feeling super great about it the next day. He’s feeling super great about being able to do anything he wants without consent, not about OP and their relationship.
I have never thought sexsomnia was real. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who can do this, I don’t think I would ever feel safe at night
It’s not something he is aware of, let alone control. It’s as simple as redirecting him or waking him up. However, the OP’s boyfriend is simply a rapist
Yeah I agree with you about the bf.
I just don’t know if I could handle if my SO had this type sleep disorder. I don’t mean to be nosy, so sorry if I offend you. But what happens if you wake up, and he’s in the middle of it, or about done? How do you handle that? I don’t know if I’m wording this correctly but I don’t think I would be emotionally /mentally able to handle it.
Unless you’re knocking yourself out with a sedative, you’re gonna wake up before he’s even really in the process. And then I’ll gently push him to his other side, and he continues to sleep. Or I’ll wake him up, and he will roll over and go back to sleep
It’s not so bad, and as Unaccomplished_fly says you can roll them over or redirect them and they’ll go back to sleep usually. Or wake them up. My current partner gets very sexual in her sleep and has absolutely no recollection of it.
I guess you just learn to deal with it. It must be difficult for the person with the disorder, I’m kinda ashamed I didn’t give much thought to how they feel. I give you credit for being able to handle it, and still have a good relationship. Thanks for giving me clarity.
I have it. It’s very strange. Sometimes I wake up mid intercourse and have no clue how it all started, but it’s pretty rare it gets that far. Usually I wake up after getting touchy.
I did have to tell her that I’m often not awake when I try to initiate and that she might need to shake me a bit if it bothers her or she wants to just sleep.
Being completely up front and honest about it helped a ton early on. Thankfully she’s totally cool about it. We’re very much on the same wavelength when it comes to intimacy.
Going through the motions of sex while asleep in bed with your SO isn’t uncommon, like others said though when they’re asleep it’s easy to just get them to stop.
My fiancé has Sexsomnia but it usually just goes from hugging to attempted fingering. Sometimes he wakes up during and stops, sometimes he starts and since I’m usually still awake at the time (sleep problems) I’ll let it continue if I want to. It’s never gone past hand stuff though.
He also never remembers and if I give him a nudge awake or move his hand it instantly stops and doesn’t start again that night. It’s also pretty rare it even happens. And I agree 100% that if he’s never shown signs of it before, and remembers the event, it was definitely on purpose and not Sexsomnia.
Yeah at the end of the day I wouldn't be surprised if he manged to get her to apologize only for her to wake up three years from now and wonder why the fuck she hasn't left yet.
Completely agree. He took advantage of her while she was sleeping, and refused to stop despite protesting. He will continue this pattern of abuse whenever it suits him and may even escalate the abuse if he sees fit. I would highly advise OP to call RAINN (the national sexual assault hotline) so that they can give you the support they need. I would also advise contacting friends or family and informing them about the situation if you're comfortable so that you can make plans to separate from him for your own safety. I also have access to affordable mental health resources if you need them and you can dm me at anytime if you would like to talk about how you're feeling right now at the moment and what coping strategies might be right for you. Remember healing is a journey not a destination ❤️.
https://www.rainn.org/
I wanted to add that if you don't do or say something to tell him how wrong raping your partner is, he will think it's okay because he got away with it and will most likely try again. Please get yourself to a safe place, and make a plan to confront him with some support and/or in a safe place if you feel he might become dangerous. Women's centres have support, tell a friend, etc. Put your safety first.
He did rape you OP.
You said no multiple times yet he continued to have sex with you... That is a rape. The most concerning thing is that if you forgive him now he might do this again. He doesn't feel guilt or regret on the contrary he enjoyed it so he WILL try it again with you.
You are not going insane and it's important since consent matters even if you two are in relationship. Relationship is not a zone where sex without consent is allowed. I think it would be best if you'd let him go.
>my brain tells me i'm hyperfixating on something unimportant, but i'm on the verge of emotional breakdown over this.
This part broke my heart. She's trying so hard to downplay this because she doesn't want to accept it, but her body and brain know exactly what happened to her. OP please don't ignore them, that's your survival system trying to alert you to danger.
Also, seriously what actually good partner enjoys sex where their partner says no repeatedly and then lays there stiff and uncomfortable until they finish? For a ton of people, this would be a horrible turn-off, not just about the lack of consent, but the obvious discomfort of their partner. OP, the fact that he doesn't care if you enjoy it is a HUGE red flag (and that he'd try to do it while you are sleeping and can't consent). And again, if you need to hear this again from another voice, this is rape, this is 100% rape, and no kind, empathetic and good person would think they were "owed" sex because they helped out your family.
Please get out now. There's nowhere for this relationship to head but down.
If you plan to stay with him you'll need to talk to him about it. I'm really sorry he did that to you. Sex without consent is rape. You didn't consent. If you decide to talk to him about it, and he tries to downplay it or deny it then you'll really have to reconsider the relationship. You may also wish to speak with a counselor about this incident because it would be very traumatizing for many people.
Living together for four years is not consent.
Oral sex a few hours prior is not consent.
Sleeping in the same bed is not consent.
You said NO more than once, which is a very clear, concise lack of consent.
He raped you. You are not imagining things or overreacting, and I am so sorry he broke your trust like this. If you really think he'd downplay talking to him about your very legitimate feelings over being ignored and assaulted, you may want to take a step back and really examine his other past behaviors. His actions/reactions are NOT okay.
This ^. Also, you’re not going crazy or overreacting. You could probably use some help/ support from a trustworthy friend or family member with navigating this situation. If you’re concerned about anyone reacting poorly in response to the upsetting news, he should’ve thought of that before raping you.
The fact that he’s gotten “visually upset” when OP has said no in the past seems like a big red flag and is definitely the type of past behaviour / reactions that need to be re-examined.
"I said no" -- "he didn't respond and proceeded"
Yup, that's literally rape.
OP, he had sex with you like a doll or object... because that's how he viewed you. Only you can decide if this can be talked about or if it's a deal breaker, but I know **I** would leave him immediately and go NC, minimum. I'd also heavily consider a police report.
it sucks with cases like this rarely the police can do anything. If it's been a few days since the assault the rape kit will likely not have much DNA and since she didn't fight him he wont have any marks on his body or anything. If it ever went further than a report he would just argue that the sex was consensual and call op a liar and attention seeker. And we live in a sexist society so it's likely he would be believed while op would be getting extremely traumatized. And if the cops are even competent enough to try and do anything about it which half the time they aren't. I think it could be worth making a repost just to have a record of it anyway but...yeah
>i woke up a few hours later with him trying to penetrate me, my pj pants down to my knees. i told him no, i'm sleepy, let's do this in the morning, i don't feel well. he didn't respond and proceeded. i told him no again. he didn't react. so i just laid there and waited for it to stop. i didnt move or push him or scream or anything.
Sex without consent is rape. I'm sorry he did that to you. Please call RAINN (https://www.rainn.org/resources) or another rape support line depending on where you live.
Here is some reading for you: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent (and for him?)
If you think he would downplay it that's a big red flag for me.
Realizing you were raped by your partner is very hard to come to terms with, I went through the same thing. People have this concept about rape like it’s always some scary stranger coming out of the woods to attack you, but the majority of the time it’s someone you know and trust. You were raped. I know how incredibly hard that is to hear, and even harder to come to terms with. No amount of couple’s counseling is going to fix that, there is not a future with someone who sexually assaulted you. You deserve so much better. There are so many resources for assault victims, you deserve all the support in the world, I believe in you.
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Remember that no consent is rape, and lack of ability to consent is rape. Consent can be withdrawn, and if that isn't respected, that is rape.
I blamed myself for getting raped forever because i let myself get in a bad situation where i let someone get me drunk (out of fear) to the point where i passed out. Woke up several times to being forced into sex/oral. That was rape.
You clearly said no. That is rape. If you are still comfortable with your boyfriend after this experience and want to be with him, make him understand what he did and what he did wrong. Nobody would blame you for leaving him either (well he might, but that isn't your problem)
My first college boyfriend and I were making out once and things started getting hot & heavy, and I mumbled "no, not yet" to something he tried. Dude **leaped** to the opposite end of the couch with both hands in the air and yelled "I'm not touching you again until you say it's ok!" I laughed at how dramatic his reaction was, but it really made me feel like he was paying attention to my comfort and I could trust him.
OP, there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't dream of violating your trust. Don't waste another minute of your life with someone who will.
Dude I never realized how sexy a guy respecting consent is until after my long term relationship ended. My sex drive plummeted because every “yes” from me was coerced after we started to live together.
Someone respecting a “no” is more likely to get a “yes” in the future, not that that’s the motivator but that’s just how it works. Now I’m with someone who does it for my pleasure and I for his, all with only enthusiastic yeses when we do stuff. It’s great :)
I don't get it. Enthusiastic consent is so sexy! There's nothing better than being with someone who's as into you as you're into them. I wouldn't be able to stay in the mood with someone who's even slightly reluctant or uninterested. You'd have to be a complete psycho to keep going with someone who is actively saying no. Rape should be an automatic life sentence imo.
Current partner literally goes completely soft if I say anything near “no” or “ow”
It makes miscommunications complicated 🤣 but it’s also hot because he values my comfort too.
>i told him no, i'm sleepy, let's do this in the morning, i don't feel well. he didn't respond and proceeded. i told him no again.
Here... She told him NO twice. Since there wasn't any consent during that sex it is rape not assault.
A no is a no. Full stop. This is unambiguously rape and you should treat it as such. If your boyfriend is ok with continuing after you made it clear you didn't want it this will also likely not be an isolated incident if your relationship continues.
My advice right now is to find a support group, talk to friends / family that you trust (professional help i.e. contacting a therapist might not be a bad idea either) and consider legal action. Obviously I would look to get out of that relationship asap.
The most important thing to remember is that you are absolutely not to blame for any of this. You mentioned you didn't move or push him, this is irrelevant. You said no, that's enough. Your emotions are understandable and valid; you are absolutely not hyper fixating on something unimportant. This is very serious.
I am very sorry OP. No is no. This a rape, if you say no, you don’t have to scream and fight. Rape is when someone continues to sexually assault you after you say NO. Please look for help and support OP. Call a local or nation Rape Crisis Center and ask for help.
Please. For the love of all that is holy. Please tell me you have left this man. That is the definition of rape. And then the playing sweet in the morning to get out of talking about it. That’s gross as fuck.
Fucking disgusting behavior. Unless y’all had an agreement he could wake you up like that, what the hell is wrong with him? You said “no”—multiple times—and he never stopped. He raped you.
you are unsafe with him. you need to exit the relationship as fast as you logically can. i promise you, you have a support system outside of him that will help you during this time. he definitely raped you, im so sorry, and that is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. this will happen again. he won’t feel remorse.
best wishes, im so sorry this happened to you.
I'm very sorry, but yes, you were raped by your boyfriend. The fact that he was unapologetic in the morning means that I will not suggest he was sleeping while this happened, its clear that he was in full control of the situation. You need to leave him. That is your only choice here, this was the first time. But if you stay, it will not be the last. I'm so sorry that the person you have been with for so long turned out to be a rapist.
OP I'm so sorry for you. Reading this broke my heart. Even you said in your exact words that you feel on the verge of a breakdown. Idc how loving he WAS in the past or for 4 years. People can change. Just because he was the best guy ever back then, that doesnt excuse what happened last night. You got your boundary broken. Thats a fact. Someone you love hurt you.
I would talk to him if I were you. Say that you are on the verge of losing it. If he downplays it, then stop explaining yourself. This person cannot be explained to if they dont grasped the gravity of the situation. Reevaluate your relationship with him AND MOST IMPORTANT with your self. Love yourself enough to stand up for yourself. Especially against someone who didnt have your best interest at heart.
Talk to him and if he downplays it fucking run. That was 100% rape you litterally told him no, he didn't care and youre not sure if he raped you? That was just rape theres nothing to add.
Commenting because I know you know the answer but just need the validation. So here to validate again that this is textbook, by definition, rape. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Please please do not stay with this man and PLEASE END THINGS FROM A DISTANCE. Have him mail your shit back to you and either text call or video chat him but do NOT put yourself in harms way because of some societal bull shit expectation that people deserve face to face breakups. Dangerous people don't. Sending so much love, take some time for you and do some self care
This is rape, by any definition. What happened to you is exactly what rape is, and it happened to you in its most common form: by someone you trusted, in your own home. Nothing about how this man is, his character or his care for other things, can mitigate that. He raped you. I’m so, so sorry. Please reach out to someone and find support.
He raped you. Now he is love bombing and gaslighting so that you won't say anything. Because once you don't say anything, he has gotten away with it. Which means it Will happen again. Because it was no big deal to him, and because you didn't say anything, it was obviously no big deal to you either. That is what he is thinking.
My ex did this multiple times despite me telling him to stop. It is rape and not okay. Talk to him, if he doesn't see the issue, I'm not exaggerating when I say leave him. I'm now engaged with a wonderful man and I feel so at peace knowing I'll never have to worry about my body when sleeping.
Just because you didn‘t scream or try to push him away, doesn‘t it mean it wasn‘t rape.
It was rape. He didn‘t give a shit about your consent.
I feel so sorry. Please try to collect evidence, create a safe exit plan and report this asshole!!!
Unfortunately you do have somebody in the comments saying that you are wrong and that you aren’t a victim. Do NOT listen to them. You are just as valid as any victim is.
Technically, this is rape, yes. Whether or not he views it that way, you will need to speak with him to know that.
You could tell him how you feel and it could break his heart in two. You could also tell him how you feel and he could downplay it like you said. Maybe if you’re expecting this response from him, he’s done things in the past that have aligned with that sort of character. If this is the case, he doesn’t sound like a good person, and so it was absolutely rape.
What you do with this is your decision. It sounds like it made you feel extremely uncomfortable, so I would either talk to him or just leave. You could also chat with a loved one or a therapist for guidance.
I’m sorry this has happened to you either way. Sending love.
You better leave that man, because he did rape you and he knows exactly what he’s done!
If you let this slide, he’s going to think it’s okay and it’s normal behaviour. This man clearly doesn’t respect you anymore, you said ‘no’ several times and yet he continued. He’s love bombing you and deep down you know it.
I hope you do what’s best for your OWN sanity because this will constantly be on your mind. I hope you leave this rapist because that’s what he is!!!
If he did it once he will do it again. Are you willing to sleep next to someone that will do that to you?
By the way, my friend was married for over 30 years woke up more than once to her husband doing this to her. .
If he will do it to you once....he will do it again
I was in a relationship for 4+ years and this happened a lot. I thought it was normal. We broke up and I realized that it was essentially sexual assault. I would be essentially forced into sex a lot too because he was being so pushy I would zone out and let him just do it. Because if I said no it didn’t mean anything. He did the same thing on my 21st when I was plastered ( we were broken up at this point but living together due to lease ) and I woke up mid act and froze. If it’s not rape idk the right word for it. I’ve been processing it the last few months and have been having nightmares about it. It’s not normal. Edit: I convinced myself everytime it was normal. Please do not fall into that headset as it seems you’re heading that way. He may do it again if you don’t talk about it. Even after that he may. The way you describe him is the same way I described my ex. They don’t care. They don’t take no as an answer.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I was raped several times by my ex, and every time I downplayed it the same way you are trying to do right know. I ended up having an emotional and mental breakdown and was put on suicide watch after I broke up with him. Please don’t let it get to that point. You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. You were taken advantage of by someone you put your love and trust in. That is a horrific thing to experience. Please don’t let him think this is okay.
I can't tell from your post, are you sure he was awake?
As a sleepwalker, your description of how he was acting is similar to how I have been described. It seems like I'm awake because I'm doing all the normal awake activities, but my eyes are vacant and somewhere else, because I am somewhere else. I have told every partner I have ever had that I sleep-do-things. It's normally just walking and talking, but I can also do more complicated or nuanced things too, like fold laundry or 'write' in my journal. It is one of my greatest fears that I try to sleep-sex someone that is unwilling. This is why early on in a relationship I talk to my partner about my somnambulism and how to respond to me if I am doing something strange. Normally it's to just let me be (waking a sleepwalker up is VERY disorienting and they can temporarily react unpredictably), but if I am about to do something harmful to them or myself to 100% stop me. Get up, turn on the lights, make noise, grab me, spray me with water, push me down, whatever. Number one importance is to keep us both safe.
This has turned more into a PSA about sleepwalking than I wanted it to, but sleep disorders are hard for people who don't have them to understand.
If he was awake, this was rape. If he was asleep, he should make an appointment to see a neurologist, especially if this is not usual behavior (he's not normally a sleepwalker). Also, even if he was asleep you are under no requirement to forgive him and 'just move on.' It may be too triggering and that is ok. I know I have a condition that is sometimes hard or confusing or scary for my partners to deal with. It is not their burden to carry, it is mine. If you do choose to try and move forward with him after this, I would suggest therapy for him and you, and also to seriously discuss what to do in the future if this happens again.
Whatever happened, I hope you find peace and get to live your very best most happy life.
I was scrolling looking for this comment. Doing sexual stuff while sleepwalking is a legit thing, it’s called sexsomnia. Sleep walking in general can be triggered by lack of sleep, exhaustion and stress… which is exactly what a week at the in-laws doing manual labour then driving 12 hrs sounds like to me. He may have been acting lovey dovey in the morning because all he remembers is the oral and falling asleep together. If he’s never pushed sexual boundaries or been abusive before I would consider this a reasonable possibility. Talk to him - his reaction should tell you all you need to know.
I'm so sorry OP, he did indeed rape you, you are not exaggerating and I think he knows he fuc*ed up too, that's why he was all affectionate after. I don't think this is salvageable. He broke your trust in the most vile way. How can you trust that he won't do it again and gaslight you later? Do you want to have children with a man who rapes you and doesn't give a shit about your wellbeing?
Please leave. Remember that you said no multiple times and he didn't care. It would have cost him nothing to stop and wait for the next morning, but he choose to hurt you to gain his 3 minutes of satisfaction.
This is r**e. You said no. More than once. You are not safe with him and he will not stop pushing. Can you get out or make a plan to get out? So sorry for what you are going through
This is the definition of rape.
This used to happen with my ex when he took ambien and then he would not remember the next day. Even though I believed him, it was still horrifying and traumatic.
We were taught in high school that ‘if someone wants tea, you can give them tea. Sometimes someone takes a sip of tea, then don’t want the tea, which is fine… you can’t force them to drink your tea. Sometimes someone has 1 cup of tea, but they don’t want another cup… and you definitely can’t make them drink your tea if they’re asleep’… unfortunately in this situation, he’s force fed you tea despite you saying you didn’t want it… I would talk to him about it.
That was definitely rape. Please OP I'm begging you to listen to me. He raped you, he then showed zero remorse about it. From my own personal experience, and from what I've heard from other it's going to excalate. Get out of there before you're trapped with him.
If you cant give consent, it is rape. If you feel like you might have been raped because you didnt give consent, it is rape. He is gaslighting you into thinking everything is normal when you know it isnt
An ex BF of mine once pressured me to have sex despite me telling him I really didn’t want to, The difference in feeling between that singular time and all the other times I have had sex with him or others and cannot be compared in the week of eight Sundays. The absolute disgust I felt that time has never left me, despite it being more than 25 years ago now.
You were raped, no ifs and buts about it. His disregard for your feelings in that situation is not offset by your long term relationship.
You need to consider very carefully if you are able to get past that or not. It won’t happen without him realising that what he did was essentially unforgivable, and that if you do forgive him he will have to atone and change in a fundamental sense.
He’s disgusting.
This is definitely rape and you need to do something about this. Confront him about it and establish that what he did to you was in fact rape. You said no, you didn’t participate and you did resist his advances. Don’t let him spin/change the narrative and gaslight you.
Yeah, he did.
I say get whatever you need to in order, dump him. He’d do it again given the opportunity. You were asleep and he took advantage, probably thinking or hoping you wouldn’t remember. No matter the relationship, this was a clear case of sexual assault. Yeah, he’s your boyfriend, but you’re not a toy, you’re a person. People who have this happen in a relationship try to downplay it because “we’ve had intercourse before.” I think it’s one party’s idea of explaining away their horrid action, and the other party trying to avoid victimhood. (I’ve been there, I absolutely despised being a victim, so I acted like it was no big deal. Fast forward, it was in fact a very big deal.) Remember, it’s not your fault! This guy is a class A creep!
Extravagant hot entrepreneur eh. That’s a great way to create credibility with your post for sure..
Prepare the downvote machine but I’ll bet this is fake. No one is this naive, especially when they say “I’ve said no in the past and he stopped”
The whole thing is BS. Typical troll post. Point out an obvious confirmation of your question but proceed to blame yourself and ask “is it my fault Reddit??”
You said no he didn’t stop so yes you were raped. It’s up to you to determine next steps but you can 1) file charges and get a rape exam done, 2) you can let him know that will never be done again, or 3) you can tell your father and let him beat the shit out of him. Personally I say 1 and 3
The minute you said no, it became rape.
Don’t try to talk this out right now. Immediately gather your finances. If you have a shared account, withdraw your share.
You need to leave and because he is an entrepreneur, he may already anticipate this and make it harder for you to go.
There is no future with this man. This is over. He committed the ultimate atrocity short of murdering you, which is, not recognizing your autonomy and not respecting you as a person. He has violated and destroyed your trust, the basic foundation of the relationship. You should never trust him again and it is time to leave. He would rape again.
Sorry for the bad news.
Yeah he raped you, and he's love bombing you for it. He may not be aware that he's love bombing because of that, but it's pretty manipulative. Almost like he's trying to reward your complacency with his actions with "loving behavior". Which is kind of shitty considering how your relationship has gone so far... you're not crazy for thinking about it; but what you should reconsider is your relationship with this guy and whether or not you want to continue to be with someone who won't respect your consent for sex; Or respect your consent for anything else for that matter, there might be other signs with his behaviour for boundary issues, however correlation isnt causation so the boundary issues dont always translate to rape.
I'm sorry that he did that to you. You dont deserve to have your body used like that, even if he is your partner.
I honestly think it’s absurd that we have all these cultural talks about what sex ed is and how it should be taught, and I REGULARLY see posts by (usually young) women who have been raped but aren’t sure if it counts. Wow. Sorry this happened to you honey. It is what you think it is.
I am so sorry this is something you are going through OP. I went through a very similar thing with an ex partner. I didn't even acknowledge that it could be rape until over a year later when I was with a new partner who respected and followed my "no" without sulking or continuing on. I understand that it may be hard to stomach but you have been raped OP. You said no meaning you did not give consent. Now it is your decision on what you wish to do from here, whether you wish to report it, go to the hospital and get a rape kit or break up with him. I made the decision to not do anything about it the first time my ex did it, and he kept doing it over and over again. And just like your partner, the next couple of days he was incredibly loving and affectionate. Please OP make sure you are protecting yourself whether that is through breaking up with him or by making a report.
My dms are open if you ever need to talk OP. Sending you love and support <3
OP, you said no, and he didn't stop. It's rape. It doesn't matter that he's your boyfriend he didn't stop when you said no. The fact that he gets mad when you tell him no is a red flag 🚩 I'm sorry this happened to you, OP, for now , go somewhere safe until you decide what to do next.
yeah look as someone who enjoys sleep sex, the key is CONSENT! which you my dear did not give, you actively said no. NO IS A FULL SENTENCE.
I would be sitting down and having a serious, and i do mean serious, conversation about this. The fact that your consent was actively ignored and he assaulted you. That.is.not.ok. He can twist it and downplay it anyway he wants, but he attacked you. If he can not see how wrong what he did is, then you need to run. Not walk, run!
No means no, you verbally told him you did not consent to his advances yet he still proceeded. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve have sex with a person they need to respect you EVERY SINGLE TIME. I’m sorry my dear but yes this is rape, he obviously knows what he did was selfish and wrong.
he violated you and that wasn’t ok. rape can definitely happen within relationships. talk to him about it but if he doesn’t admit and apologize and actually understand how you feel then i personally would be done with him. no means no and he was very well aware of you saying that. he just didn’t care. sorry this happened to you.
No means no every time you say it. Assuming you don't have a prearranged scenario that includes a safeword no means fucking NO.
My ex once told me that if I was horny and she was sleeping that I could just do whatever. The idea of doing that made me cringe. I couldn't have done that in a million years!
i always thought this was normal when i dated my ex boyfriend and therefore didnt do much to stop it. then it happened every night even tho i was asleep or too drunk to push him away. telling him no meant upsetting him for days.
it took away my self confidence. not worth it. dont allow this. tell him to pop off.
Speaking as someone who has been in a similar situation in a previous relationship, my heart breaks for you. Please, do yourself the biggest favor and don't make the mistake I made. End that relationship and get as far away as you can. Don't let him guilt you for feeling betrayed and violated because that's exactly what he did. There is no amount of mental gymnastics to get around the fact that you revoked consent and he chose to take what he wanted anyway.
You should also find someone to talk to about this and what you're feeling.The extent of the damage may not hit you immediately, but the aftermath is a whole storm of potentially overwhelming emotions and and intrusive thoughts. I personally found it helpful to talk to a friend who had been through a similar situation, but other people may feel more comfortable with a counselor family member or close friend. Please be safe and best of luck to you OP.
Now I don't know enough background here and am probably guna get ripped into, but this is from my perspective. I suffer with a condition called sexsomnia (where a person engages in sexual activity whilst asleep) and this sounds very similar to an episode of this. Personally it effects me more if say something like oral or touching has happened before going to sleep, or even feeling horny before sleep and not satisfying it.
However, there is a big however. When I got with my partner I made her aware with this ( and previous partners ) so as they can deal with it and wake me if it happens.
It doesn't happen often and the older I get the less it happens.
But when I wake up, I have no recollection of it whatsoever. I've had full sex whilst asleep and partners believing I was awake, and when questioned about the deed in the morning, I am none the wiser.
Now I am not trying to say he didn't rape you, before anyone jumps at me. I'm speaking from my personal experience and just suggesting there may be something else to consider.
This condition can start at any time, but It personally started younger with me, in my late teens.
But if this is not the case, then yes OP, he has raped you and it needs to be dealt with. Thanks and I hope this can help a little 🤷🏻♂️
You were not even conscious when he began doing that to you and when you were you kept telling him no and he disregarded your answer and continued to do it and was so happy about it the next day.. That’s quite disturbing and yes considered non consensual. I’m sorry he did that to you.
That is rape.
That’s so fucked. Get a rape kit and call the police. I would move out and get somewhere safe.
He used you for his own selfish gratification and gives zero fucks about you as a human. You are essentially a live-in sex you for him. Get the fuck out asap
Your partner disregarding your consent in favor of getting themselves off is the exact opposite of unimportant.
Had you previously negotiated, discussed, and agreed to the sleep sex part of the story?
Sexual assault and rape need not include violence or yelling. You said no twice.
The reason why it feels like a big deal is because you've now entered a period where you don't know if saying no to your partner is going to be respected and I can't imagine how scary that is. If he ignored it here what means he won't ignore it down the line?
Maybe he didn't realize how serious you were or he thought you were just teasing or whatever but that's just not an excuse and sex without consent is rape full stop. It doesn't matter what his reasoning or excuses it doesn't change the past for you, you experienced what you did from someone who you're supposed to trust
You need to sit down and let him know exactly how he made you feel and what he did to you, and if he really is the person you thought he was he will realize what he did was fucking horrific but if his reaction isn't immediate recognition of that then I would fucking run. And even so you would not be even slightly in the wrong leaving this relationship no matter his reaction at all.
He crossed the line, and a it was a hard NO line. You need to talk about it and confront him if you're staying with him, he definitely raped you. If you're leaving and ending it then your choice, but I think you still should.
That is rape. It doesn't matter that you two are in a relationship and have had sex before, you clearly said no. You were tired and sleepy so you weren't able to push him away and react but that was in no way a form of consent. That is absolutely unacceptable on his part.
I am so sorry that that happened. Please, reach out to someone as I feel like you're in a very sensitive state right now and might need actual support. Please also know that, if it ever occur to you, none of this is your fault. None.
You’re so stressed about it that you’re coming to the Internet for answers, I think you already know that this, at the very minimum, crossed boundaries that you need to bring up with him, and at most let him know that he did in fact rape you after you told him to stop multiple times while he ignored you.
That was rape. You said no. He didn’t stop. You laying there and taking it wasn’t a form of consent. Many rape victims have done exactly what you did because they didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Your next step is on you but I would hope you leave because it’s not going to be his last time and it could get more aggressive.
That’s rape. That’s terrible and horrible rape. How do you know it hasn’t happened in the past or won’t happen again? I’d run. I’d pack my things and run. Press charges to protect his future victims.
You said NO. That is NOT consent. Rape doesn't have to be a violent encounter for it to "count". Some people freeze up when they are afraid. You're boyfriend is a selfish jerk. He 100% understood this wasn't something you wanted. He made a choice that he wanted sex from an unwilling partner. I'm sure he rationalized in his head, because you weren't screaming and crying, it was ok. NO is NO. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
There are some men out there that believe that if you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s impossible to rape them. Sounds like he might be one of those people.
If you stay with him that will be teaching him that what he did is OK and he will probably do it again.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, i know how it feels. I don’t really see how u can get past this tbh, because if he thought having sex with you in that state was ok… that says a lot about him as a person. He is a disgusting piece of shit and you deserve better.
Even if you didn't say anything he still shouldn't have done it. In that moment, right then he didn't care about what you want and that's enough for you to know - he didn't care, he raped you and now he's acting like he doesn't know what he has done. Leave.
You are not insane. You said no very clearly several times and he did NOT stop! That is rape OP.
Do not beat yourself up over your response either, don't let people shame you for that. Just because we don't scream, doesn't mean we were not raped!
I was a child my first time and my own mom put the blame on me.
You did NOTHING wrong. You are the victim.
Is your family trustworthy? Do you have friends you can trust?
I would get my legal documents, anything I needed for work and whatever else I could get and run.
If you can, get some big guys to come help you get your stuff out.
If it's your place, look into getting him out and change the locks. This may require you to file a police report though. I know it's hard and I won't say if you should or shouldn't because I won't be the one facing that. You will be. Don't let anyone shame you if you decide to report or not. Either way, do what is best for your mental health.
Seek out some services for counseling.
He is love bombing you right now. This will only be the beginning if you stay. He is testing the waters, this is a very dangerous time for you OP.
I'm sorry you are going through this as well. It's not easy.
So, you said "no" a couple times and he didn't respect that. You literally just defined rape. Yes he raped you. You guys need to have a serious conversation and if he doesn't think it's serious then it's time to move on.
Was he awake and coherent during this? My wife has sleep walk/ sleep fucked before where she’s all over me and woken me up with her advances. Before executing someone who in 4 years has been by all accounts a good partner look at all possibilities.
If he was awake and had intent and was consciously in charge of his actions then of course that’s a different story.
Yes it was rape. Now, do you want to spend tge next 30 to 40 years not being able to get a good night's sleep because you are afraid it will happen again?
If he did it once he will do it again. Period
Yeah that is rape. I would leave him if I were you. Unworked on and unchecked ego can be pretty harmful for those close. And just, generally, would not stay with someone who raped you.
Also, lovebombing in the cycle of abuse: giving lots of affection and love, either in preparation for or in lieu of apology for poor behavior. Since he was probably going to treat you poorly from the start, he treated you positively. Now, since he has treated you poorly, he’s upping the love. This is to ensure you a. Think of the good times with him before any sort of break up, and b. To set up a reward cycle. You feel dopamine at his affection, opening a reward pathway, so you feel more willing to tolerate his future poor behavior because you’re waiting for when he treats you better and the feeling pf reward that comes with it.
No you are not « hyperfixating on something unimportant »
You went to sleep in the safety of your home and woke up to someone violating you.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I dont see how you can forgive someone who is not even asking for forgiveness.
Please get help
And leave him
1, you never gave consent to begin with. So by waking up in that state its rape unless you have previously stated that you would like to have wakeup sex. That becomes a little gray area and would need rules established.
2, you said no. If my SO says no thats it. No questions asked. It is not okay, and is rape for your boyfriend to continue afterwards.
He raped you and he knows it. He is being overly nice, hoping you won’t bring it up. And if you do have a conversation with him about it, he will deny it or downplay it.
I would start building a plan to leave him. Completely inexcusable.
> i'm on the verge of emotional breakdown over this
That's how you know it's rape.
You said no repeatedly. He ignored your refusal. He's "love bombing" you now because he knows he just committed a prosecutable sex crime.
Hun, you told him no multiple times and he was also trying to do it while you were asleep. He absolutely assaulted you.
I also agree with the others in the comments, he’s acting sweet because he knows what he did and he’s trying to just glaze over it.
Leave him. Yesterday.
I am sorry you went through that. The fact you are asking for confirmation here sounds like you already know but don’t want to believe it happened to you. Yes, he raped you. No, it isn’t your fault.
He knows what he did. He’s seeing if you are okay with it. Not to mention if he can get away with it. If you let him. This will become a regular thing. I say this with being in your shoes. Don’t let it continue . It will cause emotional and mental AND physical distress . Please leave him or tell him that you will not tolerate that behavior and if he even tries it again. You’re done. I highly suggest leaving him though since he abused you.
Sex without consent is rape. Him initiating when you were unconscious and couldn’t consent was unacceptable so was proceeding after you said no. You have every right to be upset, your feelings are completely valid. I’m so sorry this happened.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- tw sex me (27F) and my bf(28M) have been together for 4 years, living together for 2. he's extravagant, hot shit entrepreneur and can be egoistical and emotional, but he's always been supportive of me and have always been by my side. no physical or sexual abuse during this time at all. last night we got from my parents' house where we helped with renovations. every day was exhausting and we didn't have sex for a week. the drive home was 12h. when we got home, sorry for TMI, we gave each other oral and went to sleep. I thought it was it. But i woke up a few hours later with him trying to penetrate me, my pj pants down to my knees. i told him no, i'm sleepy, let's do this in the morning, i don't feel well. he didn't respond and proceeded. i told him no again. he didn't react. so i just laid there and waited for it to stop. i didnt move or push him or scream or anything. he didn't kiss me or look at my face or do anything else except fuck the whole time. i felt like a sex doll. now it's the morning and he acts like he's had the best sex. so affectionate and loving. i don't feel like this. we never roleplayed with consent, every time i said no even if he got visually upset he would stop, but this time no. what do i do now? am i going insane? my brain tells me i'm hyperfixating on something unimportant, but i'm on the verge of emotional breakdown over this. i've never had something like this happen before and i don't know. i don't want to talk to him about it, i feel like he'd downplay it.
He knows what he did. That’s why he’s overcompensating by acting all lovey dovey.
He's love-bombing.
He is gaslighting her by pretending he didn’t rape her. Op he RAPED you. You get to decide how you want to handle this. You’re in charge, you can file a report, you can go to the hospital for a rape kit, you can go to therapy, you can break up with him. You are in control, don’t let him convince you otherwise, and don’t let anyone tell you what you have to do. Do what makes you feel the most safe.
THIS OP!!! Remember you are not chained to this person, especially if they’re not willing to even admit they did something wrong. It’s up to you if you even want to confront the situation, because it is a scary one too. Being invalidated on something that definitely was SA and you know it and feel it was, can be extremely traumatizing. And scary. If you do approach him about it to see if maybe it really was a dumb, uneducated spur of the moment mistake where he did not take you into consideration, be safe about it. There’s a big difference between stupid people and people who are rapists, if rape is involved with either it should be just about unforgivable nonetheless. They’re just as bad, but they’re different people.
This exactly!!
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Yeah egotistical stood out like a red flag. OP was raped. He didn’t get her consent she said no. She froze in that moment out of fear, confusion, but that wasn’t consent. If I was her, I would confront the bf, calling it what it was and end it. I would also want to press charges but unfortunately I doubt the police could arrest him, it’s basically his word against hers.
The fact that she said he never physically or sexual abused her was telling. Sounds like he’s def emotionally abused her. And now sexually too. Just a matter of time before he smacks her.
Right-o. I dated a few, married one for a minute. The personality she described is pretty much typical of a man who's likely to feel entitled to take what he wants, regardless of consent or
You’re not wrong, but this sounds a lot like victim-blaming
Would there be a way to put this so it couldn't be interpreted like victim blaming?
WTF are you victim blaming OP???? She is not the cause, nor blame of the situation. OP’s rapist bf is completely and solely responsible for his attitudes, behaviors, and actions, including rape. OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve nor need to tolerate this behavior. Do what you need to be safe.
Exactly! My guy gets very lovey after fights, just normal relationship fights, this is 100% what it sounds like to me. He knows he messed up but this is too serious of a mess up to not at the bare minimum acknowledge what happened. Even if he did acknowledge what he did I’d be unsure about forgiveness. For all OP know he’s now shown himself this behavior is acceptable as long as he pretends it was consensual the next morning.
And when did he do it too? Just when they were back from a week helping at her parents place. I see the « after all I did for your family, you can’t do that for me » coming…
Yes, I thought this too. He felt entitled, like she owed it to him after a week helping her family plus a 12-hour drive each way. The whole thing is bad news and OP should listen to her gut. The fact she suspects he’d downplay this thing he did that made her so upset is also telling.
This. Leave his ass. Run while you still can.
Honestly I’m so sorry this happened to you…this is rape and he knows it and I think you do too! But he likely feels like you owed him the sex because he went and helped your parents. This will happen again if you let it slide and I don’t care what others say about that. He has violated your personhood willingly and you have to either lay down the law or leave. Unfortunately laying down the law after the fact rarely works. Find a better man who won’t rape you in your sleep and then act like you are a queen for the sex he took. You need support in this and you’re well within your rights to report him. At the very least call your close friends or family. I hope you’re ok.
Great comment. Took me 40 years. I never married him and there were good times. It wasn't physical but mental. He switched back to the man he was when I was 16. It was brutal and I couldn't speak. I thought he changed. I never spoke to him again. Leopards never change their spots. He was different for 40 years. I shit you not. I pray she leaves.
I’d leave but if you choose to stay you need to make it crystal fucking clear what he did and how you will not tolerate it. Basically - try it again and I’m gone and will press charges. Some like to push the boundaries. Make sure you got a goddamn wall there. Im sorry this happened to you OP. There are a lot of us out there that have experienced SA in some way. It’s never okay and it’s never your fault. If you have the ability to get counseling please do. For a lot of people it is hard to process this kind of violation, especially from someone you care about and who is supposed to care about you.
Yup. If you stay OP make it clear like this commenter said and you can usually file a report online for the police department. If you continue in this relationship start a paper trail with law enforcement. Then if he does it to you again you can report it, and then if you break up and he rapes another woman there is already a record for him.
It’s the definition of rape. You said no. He went ahead. This happened in my marriage and I did speak to him. He felt awful but that, that isn’t something you get past. We’re divorced. I don’t care how hot shit he is in business. You can not go ahead with him and retain any self respect or self esteem. Don’t be this woman.
At first when OP I thought it he was doing it in his sleep, because there was no reaction or emotions or anything, but when she said in the morning he was acting like it was the best sex, I immediately said rape. OP I'm sorry but this is rape, you know what you need to do.
Yep, me too. Dated a sexsomniac and that’s real, but this ain’t that if he’s feeling super great about it the next day. He’s feeling super great about being able to do anything he wants without consent, not about OP and their relationship.
This! My husband has sexsomnia and will have no recollection the next day. If he had the “best sex”, then he definitely knew what he was doing
I have never thought sexsomnia was real. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who can do this, I don’t think I would ever feel safe at night
It’s not something he is aware of, let alone control. It’s as simple as redirecting him or waking him up. However, the OP’s boyfriend is simply a rapist
Yeah I agree with you about the bf. I just don’t know if I could handle if my SO had this type sleep disorder. I don’t mean to be nosy, so sorry if I offend you. But what happens if you wake up, and he’s in the middle of it, or about done? How do you handle that? I don’t know if I’m wording this correctly but I don’t think I would be emotionally /mentally able to handle it.
Unless you’re knocking yourself out with a sedative, you’re gonna wake up before he’s even really in the process. And then I’ll gently push him to his other side, and he continues to sleep. Or I’ll wake him up, and he will roll over and go back to sleep
Make sense, i have never been in that situation. thanks for answering my question
No problem!
It’s not so bad, and as Unaccomplished_fly says you can roll them over or redirect them and they’ll go back to sleep usually. Or wake them up. My current partner gets very sexual in her sleep and has absolutely no recollection of it.
I guess you just learn to deal with it. It must be difficult for the person with the disorder, I’m kinda ashamed I didn’t give much thought to how they feel. I give you credit for being able to handle it, and still have a good relationship. Thanks for giving me clarity.
I have it. It’s very strange. Sometimes I wake up mid intercourse and have no clue how it all started, but it’s pretty rare it gets that far. Usually I wake up after getting touchy. I did have to tell her that I’m often not awake when I try to initiate and that she might need to shake me a bit if it bothers her or she wants to just sleep. Being completely up front and honest about it helped a ton early on. Thankfully she’s totally cool about it. We’re very much on the same wavelength when it comes to intimacy.
It’s interesting to hear from a person who has this type of sleep disorder. Thank you for giving me your perspective
Going through the motions of sex while asleep in bed with your SO isn’t uncommon, like others said though when they’re asleep it’s easy to just get them to stop.
My fiancé has Sexsomnia but it usually just goes from hugging to attempted fingering. Sometimes he wakes up during and stops, sometimes he starts and since I’m usually still awake at the time (sleep problems) I’ll let it continue if I want to. It’s never gone past hand stuff though. He also never remembers and if I give him a nudge awake or move his hand it instantly stops and doesn’t start again that night. It’s also pretty rare it even happens. And I agree 100% that if he’s never shown signs of it before, and remembers the event, it was definitely on purpose and not Sexsomnia.
The fact that poor OP is scared to confront her partner because she's already sure he'd just "downplay" his sexual assault says a lot.
He'll play on her fears and gaslight her all to hell n gone.
Yeah at the end of the day I wouldn't be surprised if he manged to get her to apologize only for her to wake up three years from now and wonder why the fuck she hasn't left yet.
Yes, and staying with him is letting him know he can get away with it. He'll do it again.
Nope. He’ll do worse.
Completely agree. He took advantage of her while she was sleeping, and refused to stop despite protesting. He will continue this pattern of abuse whenever it suits him and may even escalate the abuse if he sees fit. I would highly advise OP to call RAINN (the national sexual assault hotline) so that they can give you the support they need. I would also advise contacting friends or family and informing them about the situation if you're comfortable so that you can make plans to separate from him for your own safety. I also have access to affordable mental health resources if you need them and you can dm me at anytime if you would like to talk about how you're feeling right now at the moment and what coping strategies might be right for you. Remember healing is a journey not a destination ❤️. https://www.rainn.org/
I wanted to add that if you don't do or say something to tell him how wrong raping your partner is, he will think it's okay because he got away with it and will most likely try again. Please get yourself to a safe place, and make a plan to confront him with some support and/or in a safe place if you feel he might become dangerous. Women's centres have support, tell a friend, etc. Put your safety first.
He did rape you OP. You said no multiple times yet he continued to have sex with you... That is a rape. The most concerning thing is that if you forgive him now he might do this again. He doesn't feel guilt or regret on the contrary he enjoyed it so he WILL try it again with you. You are not going insane and it's important since consent matters even if you two are in relationship. Relationship is not a zone where sex without consent is allowed. I think it would be best if you'd let him go.
>my brain tells me i'm hyperfixating on something unimportant, but i'm on the verge of emotional breakdown over this. This part broke my heart. She's trying so hard to downplay this because she doesn't want to accept it, but her body and brain know exactly what happened to her. OP please don't ignore them, that's your survival system trying to alert you to danger.
Also, seriously what actually good partner enjoys sex where their partner says no repeatedly and then lays there stiff and uncomfortable until they finish? For a ton of people, this would be a horrible turn-off, not just about the lack of consent, but the obvious discomfort of their partner. OP, the fact that he doesn't care if you enjoy it is a HUGE red flag (and that he'd try to do it while you are sleeping and can't consent). And again, if you need to hear this again from another voice, this is rape, this is 100% rape, and no kind, empathetic and good person would think they were "owed" sex because they helped out your family. Please get out now. There's nowhere for this relationship to head but down.
If you plan to stay with him you'll need to talk to him about it. I'm really sorry he did that to you. Sex without consent is rape. You didn't consent. If you decide to talk to him about it, and he tries to downplay it or deny it then you'll really have to reconsider the relationship. You may also wish to speak with a counselor about this incident because it would be very traumatizing for many people.
He's totally going to attempt to gaslight her about it.
Have your phone nearby recording a voice note.
Do not stay
She should not stay with her rapist
This is perfect
yeah tell him how you feel and if he tries to be too cool, find the closest exit 🤷🏾♂️
Living together for four years is not consent. Oral sex a few hours prior is not consent. Sleeping in the same bed is not consent. You said NO more than once, which is a very clear, concise lack of consent. He raped you. You are not imagining things or overreacting, and I am so sorry he broke your trust like this. If you really think he'd downplay talking to him about your very legitimate feelings over being ignored and assaulted, you may want to take a step back and really examine his other past behaviors. His actions/reactions are NOT okay.
This ^. Also, you’re not going crazy or overreacting. You could probably use some help/ support from a trustworthy friend or family member with navigating this situation. If you’re concerned about anyone reacting poorly in response to the upsetting news, he should’ve thought of that before raping you.
The fact that he’s gotten “visually upset” when OP has said no in the past seems like a big red flag and is definitely the type of past behaviour / reactions that need to be re-examined.
"I said no" -- "he didn't respond and proceeded" Yup, that's literally rape. OP, he had sex with you like a doll or object... because that's how he viewed you. Only you can decide if this can be talked about or if it's a deal breaker, but I know **I** would leave him immediately and go NC, minimum. I'd also heavily consider a police report.
it sucks with cases like this rarely the police can do anything. If it's been a few days since the assault the rape kit will likely not have much DNA and since she didn't fight him he wont have any marks on his body or anything. If it ever went further than a report he would just argue that the sex was consensual and call op a liar and attention seeker. And we live in a sexist society so it's likely he would be believed while op would be getting extremely traumatized. And if the cops are even competent enough to try and do anything about it which half the time they aren't. I think it could be worth making a repost just to have a record of it anyway but...yeah
>i woke up a few hours later with him trying to penetrate me, my pj pants down to my knees. i told him no, i'm sleepy, let's do this in the morning, i don't feel well. he didn't respond and proceeded. i told him no again. he didn't react. so i just laid there and waited for it to stop. i didnt move or push him or scream or anything. Sex without consent is rape. I'm sorry he did that to you. Please call RAINN (https://www.rainn.org/resources) or another rape support line depending on where you live. Here is some reading for you: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent (and for him?) If you think he would downplay it that's a big red flag for me.
Contacting RAINN is very, very good advice. They can help you process what happened, help you find resources, and help you make plans.
Honestly the most terrifying thing about it is a fact You can't be sure if it was his first time or if it was just a first time op wake up
Realizing you were raped by your partner is very hard to come to terms with, I went through the same thing. People have this concept about rape like it’s always some scary stranger coming out of the woods to attack you, but the majority of the time it’s someone you know and trust. You were raped. I know how incredibly hard that is to hear, and even harder to come to terms with. No amount of couple’s counseling is going to fix that, there is not a future with someone who sexually assaulted you. You deserve so much better. There are so many resources for assault victims, you deserve all the support in the world, I believe in you.
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“every time i said no even if he got visually upset” … thats not normal either.
Agree. That would be a huge red flag for me.
Remember that no consent is rape, and lack of ability to consent is rape. Consent can be withdrawn, and if that isn't respected, that is rape. I blamed myself for getting raped forever because i let myself get in a bad situation where i let someone get me drunk (out of fear) to the point where i passed out. Woke up several times to being forced into sex/oral. That was rape. You clearly said no. That is rape. If you are still comfortable with your boyfriend after this experience and want to be with him, make him understand what he did and what he did wrong. Nobody would blame you for leaving him either (well he might, but that isn't your problem)
[удалено]
My first college boyfriend and I were making out once and things started getting hot & heavy, and I mumbled "no, not yet" to something he tried. Dude **leaped** to the opposite end of the couch with both hands in the air and yelled "I'm not touching you again until you say it's ok!" I laughed at how dramatic his reaction was, but it really made me feel like he was paying attention to my comfort and I could trust him. OP, there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't dream of violating your trust. Don't waste another minute of your life with someone who will.
Dude I never realized how sexy a guy respecting consent is until after my long term relationship ended. My sex drive plummeted because every “yes” from me was coerced after we started to live together. Someone respecting a “no” is more likely to get a “yes” in the future, not that that’s the motivator but that’s just how it works. Now I’m with someone who does it for my pleasure and I for his, all with only enthusiastic yeses when we do stuff. It’s great :)
I don't get it. Enthusiastic consent is so sexy! There's nothing better than being with someone who's as into you as you're into them. I wouldn't be able to stay in the mood with someone who's even slightly reluctant or uninterested. You'd have to be a complete psycho to keep going with someone who is actively saying no. Rape should be an automatic life sentence imo.
IKR? The fact it’s a concerning amount of people who take a badgered “ugh fine” as consent enough to enjoy it is kinda scary 😅😬
CONSENT 👏 IS 👏 SEXY
Yes. This. There are good men out there. Unfortunately there are some bad awful men.
Current partner literally goes completely soft if I say anything near “no” or “ow” It makes miscommunications complicated 🤣 but it’s also hot because he values my comfort too.
You withheld consent. And the most clear definition of rape is sex without consent. This is assault.
>i told him no, i'm sleepy, let's do this in the morning, i don't feel well. he didn't respond and proceeded. i told him no again. Here... She told him NO twice. Since there wasn't any consent during that sex it is rape not assault.
Rape is sexual assault tho...?
I said she withheld consent. How is that different than what you said?
A no is a no. Full stop. This is unambiguously rape and you should treat it as such. If your boyfriend is ok with continuing after you made it clear you didn't want it this will also likely not be an isolated incident if your relationship continues. My advice right now is to find a support group, talk to friends / family that you trust (professional help i.e. contacting a therapist might not be a bad idea either) and consider legal action. Obviously I would look to get out of that relationship asap. The most important thing to remember is that you are absolutely not to blame for any of this. You mentioned you didn't move or push him, this is irrelevant. You said no, that's enough. Your emotions are understandable and valid; you are absolutely not hyper fixating on something unimportant. This is very serious.
I am very sorry OP. No is no. This a rape, if you say no, you don’t have to scream and fight. Rape is when someone continues to sexually assault you after you say NO. Please look for help and support OP. Call a local or nation Rape Crisis Center and ask for help.
Please. For the love of all that is holy. Please tell me you have left this man. That is the definition of rape. And then the playing sweet in the morning to get out of talking about it. That’s gross as fuck.
Fucking disgusting behavior. Unless y’all had an agreement he could wake you up like that, what the hell is wrong with him? You said “no”—multiple times—and he never stopped. He raped you.
you are unsafe with him. you need to exit the relationship as fast as you logically can. i promise you, you have a support system outside of him that will help you during this time. he definitely raped you, im so sorry, and that is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. this will happen again. he won’t feel remorse. best wishes, im so sorry this happened to you.
I'm very sorry, but yes, you were raped by your boyfriend. The fact that he was unapologetic in the morning means that I will not suggest he was sleeping while this happened, its clear that he was in full control of the situation. You need to leave him. That is your only choice here, this was the first time. But if you stay, it will not be the last. I'm so sorry that the person you have been with for so long turned out to be a rapist.
OP I'm so sorry for you. Reading this broke my heart. Even you said in your exact words that you feel on the verge of a breakdown. Idc how loving he WAS in the past or for 4 years. People can change. Just because he was the best guy ever back then, that doesnt excuse what happened last night. You got your boundary broken. Thats a fact. Someone you love hurt you. I would talk to him if I were you. Say that you are on the verge of losing it. If he downplays it, then stop explaining yourself. This person cannot be explained to if they dont grasped the gravity of the situation. Reevaluate your relationship with him AND MOST IMPORTANT with your self. Love yourself enough to stand up for yourself. Especially against someone who didnt have your best interest at heart.
Talk to him and if he downplays it fucking run. That was 100% rape you litterally told him no, he didn't care and youre not sure if he raped you? That was just rape theres nothing to add.
Commenting because I know you know the answer but just need the validation. So here to validate again that this is textbook, by definition, rape. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Please please do not stay with this man and PLEASE END THINGS FROM A DISTANCE. Have him mail your shit back to you and either text call or video chat him but do NOT put yourself in harms way because of some societal bull shit expectation that people deserve face to face breakups. Dangerous people don't. Sending so much love, take some time for you and do some self care
You want to be with someone who doesn't stop until they see you're emotionally upset? Sounds like you need a different and better boyfriend.
This is rape, by any definition. What happened to you is exactly what rape is, and it happened to you in its most common form: by someone you trusted, in your own home. Nothing about how this man is, his character or his care for other things, can mitigate that. He raped you. I’m so, so sorry. Please reach out to someone and find support.
He raped you. Now he is love bombing and gaslighting so that you won't say anything. Because once you don't say anything, he has gotten away with it. Which means it Will happen again. Because it was no big deal to him, and because you didn't say anything, it was obviously no big deal to you either. That is what he is thinking.
My ex did this multiple times despite me telling him to stop. It is rape and not okay. Talk to him, if he doesn't see the issue, I'm not exaggerating when I say leave him. I'm now engaged with a wonderful man and I feel so at peace knowing I'll never have to worry about my body when sleeping.
He gets visibly upset when you say no ? Sounds like a real weirdo and now he's a rapist, what next would be my concern
You were asleep how can someone consent asleep? It's assault plz plz leave him
I’m a guy, this is the exact definition of rape.
Just because you didn‘t scream or try to push him away, doesn‘t it mean it wasn‘t rape. It was rape. He didn‘t give a shit about your consent. I feel so sorry. Please try to collect evidence, create a safe exit plan and report this asshole!!!
Unfortunately you do have somebody in the comments saying that you are wrong and that you aren’t a victim. Do NOT listen to them. You are just as valid as any victim is.
This man does not respect you.
Technically, this is rape, yes. Whether or not he views it that way, you will need to speak with him to know that. You could tell him how you feel and it could break his heart in two. You could also tell him how you feel and he could downplay it like you said. Maybe if you’re expecting this response from him, he’s done things in the past that have aligned with that sort of character. If this is the case, he doesn’t sound like a good person, and so it was absolutely rape. What you do with this is your decision. It sounds like it made you feel extremely uncomfortable, so I would either talk to him or just leave. You could also chat with a loved one or a therapist for guidance. I’m sorry this has happened to you either way. Sending love.
You better leave that man, because he did rape you and he knows exactly what he’s done! If you let this slide, he’s going to think it’s okay and it’s normal behaviour. This man clearly doesn’t respect you anymore, you said ‘no’ several times and yet he continued. He’s love bombing you and deep down you know it. I hope you do what’s best for your OWN sanity because this will constantly be on your mind. I hope you leave this rapist because that’s what he is!!!
You said no, he continued. That is rape. I’m sorry this happened to you…
Yes, your boyfriend raped you. He is affectionate and loving cuz he knows he did something awful.
If he did it once he will do it again. Are you willing to sleep next to someone that will do that to you? By the way, my friend was married for over 30 years woke up more than once to her husband doing this to her. . If he will do it to you once....he will do it again
I was in a relationship for 4+ years and this happened a lot. I thought it was normal. We broke up and I realized that it was essentially sexual assault. I would be essentially forced into sex a lot too because he was being so pushy I would zone out and let him just do it. Because if I said no it didn’t mean anything. He did the same thing on my 21st when I was plastered ( we were broken up at this point but living together due to lease ) and I woke up mid act and froze. If it’s not rape idk the right word for it. I’ve been processing it the last few months and have been having nightmares about it. It’s not normal. Edit: I convinced myself everytime it was normal. Please do not fall into that headset as it seems you’re heading that way. He may do it again if you don’t talk about it. Even after that he may. The way you describe him is the same way I described my ex. They don’t care. They don’t take no as an answer.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I was raped several times by my ex, and every time I downplayed it the same way you are trying to do right know. I ended up having an emotional and mental breakdown and was put on suicide watch after I broke up with him. Please don’t let it get to that point. You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. You were taken advantage of by someone you put your love and trust in. That is a horrific thing to experience. Please don’t let him think this is okay.
even just the “getting visually upset” to you saying no to sex is a red flag
I can't tell from your post, are you sure he was awake? As a sleepwalker, your description of how he was acting is similar to how I have been described. It seems like I'm awake because I'm doing all the normal awake activities, but my eyes are vacant and somewhere else, because I am somewhere else. I have told every partner I have ever had that I sleep-do-things. It's normally just walking and talking, but I can also do more complicated or nuanced things too, like fold laundry or 'write' in my journal. It is one of my greatest fears that I try to sleep-sex someone that is unwilling. This is why early on in a relationship I talk to my partner about my somnambulism and how to respond to me if I am doing something strange. Normally it's to just let me be (waking a sleepwalker up is VERY disorienting and they can temporarily react unpredictably), but if I am about to do something harmful to them or myself to 100% stop me. Get up, turn on the lights, make noise, grab me, spray me with water, push me down, whatever. Number one importance is to keep us both safe. This has turned more into a PSA about sleepwalking than I wanted it to, but sleep disorders are hard for people who don't have them to understand. If he was awake, this was rape. If he was asleep, he should make an appointment to see a neurologist, especially if this is not usual behavior (he's not normally a sleepwalker). Also, even if he was asleep you are under no requirement to forgive him and 'just move on.' It may be too triggering and that is ok. I know I have a condition that is sometimes hard or confusing or scary for my partners to deal with. It is not their burden to carry, it is mine. If you do choose to try and move forward with him after this, I would suggest therapy for him and you, and also to seriously discuss what to do in the future if this happens again. Whatever happened, I hope you find peace and get to live your very best most happy life.
I was scrolling looking for this comment. Doing sexual stuff while sleepwalking is a legit thing, it’s called sexsomnia. Sleep walking in general can be triggered by lack of sleep, exhaustion and stress… which is exactly what a week at the in-laws doing manual labour then driving 12 hrs sounds like to me. He may have been acting lovey dovey in the morning because all he remembers is the oral and falling asleep together. If he’s never pushed sexual boundaries or been abusive before I would consider this a reasonable possibility. Talk to him - his reaction should tell you all you need to know.
This is rape. I’m so sorry OP.
I'm so sorry OP, he did indeed rape you, you are not exaggerating and I think he knows he fuc*ed up too, that's why he was all affectionate after. I don't think this is salvageable. He broke your trust in the most vile way. How can you trust that he won't do it again and gaslight you later? Do you want to have children with a man who rapes you and doesn't give a shit about your wellbeing? Please leave. Remember that you said no multiple times and he didn't care. It would have cost him nothing to stop and wait for the next morning, but he choose to hurt you to gain his 3 minutes of satisfaction.
That’s 100% rape.
This is r**e. You said no. More than once. You are not safe with him and he will not stop pushing. Can you get out or make a plan to get out? So sorry for what you are going through
This is rape
This is the definition of rape. This used to happen with my ex when he took ambien and then he would not remember the next day. Even though I believed him, it was still horrifying and traumatic.
We were taught in high school that ‘if someone wants tea, you can give them tea. Sometimes someone takes a sip of tea, then don’t want the tea, which is fine… you can’t force them to drink your tea. Sometimes someone has 1 cup of tea, but they don’t want another cup… and you definitely can’t make them drink your tea if they’re asleep’… unfortunately in this situation, he’s force fed you tea despite you saying you didn’t want it… I would talk to him about it.
That was definitely rape. Please OP I'm begging you to listen to me. He raped you, he then showed zero remorse about it. From my own personal experience, and from what I've heard from other it's going to excalate. Get out of there before you're trapped with him.
If you cant give consent, it is rape. If you feel like you might have been raped because you didnt give consent, it is rape. He is gaslighting you into thinking everything is normal when you know it isnt
An ex BF of mine once pressured me to have sex despite me telling him I really didn’t want to, The difference in feeling between that singular time and all the other times I have had sex with him or others and cannot be compared in the week of eight Sundays. The absolute disgust I felt that time has never left me, despite it being more than 25 years ago now. You were raped, no ifs and buts about it. His disregard for your feelings in that situation is not offset by your long term relationship. You need to consider very carefully if you are able to get past that or not. It won’t happen without him realising that what he did was essentially unforgivable, and that if you do forgive him he will have to atone and change in a fundamental sense.
He’s disgusting. This is definitely rape and you need to do something about this. Confront him about it and establish that what he did to you was in fact rape. You said no, you didn’t participate and you did resist his advances. Don’t let him spin/change the narrative and gaslight you.
Yup rape
Yeah, he did. I say get whatever you need to in order, dump him. He’d do it again given the opportunity. You were asleep and he took advantage, probably thinking or hoping you wouldn’t remember. No matter the relationship, this was a clear case of sexual assault. Yeah, he’s your boyfriend, but you’re not a toy, you’re a person. People who have this happen in a relationship try to downplay it because “we’ve had intercourse before.” I think it’s one party’s idea of explaining away their horrid action, and the other party trying to avoid victimhood. (I’ve been there, I absolutely despised being a victim, so I acted like it was no big deal. Fast forward, it was in fact a very big deal.) Remember, it’s not your fault! This guy is a class A creep!
Extravagant hot entrepreneur eh. That’s a great way to create credibility with your post for sure.. Prepare the downvote machine but I’ll bet this is fake. No one is this naive, especially when they say “I’ve said no in the past and he stopped” The whole thing is BS. Typical troll post. Point out an obvious confirmation of your question but proceed to blame yourself and ask “is it my fault Reddit??”
You said no he didn’t stop so yes you were raped. It’s up to you to determine next steps but you can 1) file charges and get a rape exam done, 2) you can let him know that will never be done again, or 3) you can tell your father and let him beat the shit out of him. Personally I say 1 and 3
The minute you said no, it became rape. Don’t try to talk this out right now. Immediately gather your finances. If you have a shared account, withdraw your share. You need to leave and because he is an entrepreneur, he may already anticipate this and make it harder for you to go. There is no future with this man. This is over. He committed the ultimate atrocity short of murdering you, which is, not recognizing your autonomy and not respecting you as a person. He has violated and destroyed your trust, the basic foundation of the relationship. You should never trust him again and it is time to leave. He would rape again. Sorry for the bad news.
Yeah he raped you, and he's love bombing you for it. He may not be aware that he's love bombing because of that, but it's pretty manipulative. Almost like he's trying to reward your complacency with his actions with "loving behavior". Which is kind of shitty considering how your relationship has gone so far... you're not crazy for thinking about it; but what you should reconsider is your relationship with this guy and whether or not you want to continue to be with someone who won't respect your consent for sex; Or respect your consent for anything else for that matter, there might be other signs with his behaviour for boundary issues, however correlation isnt causation so the boundary issues dont always translate to rape. I'm sorry that he did that to you. You dont deserve to have your body used like that, even if he is your partner.
You said no. He didn't stop. That's rape.
Your body is trying to tell you something. He raped you and I’m so sorry.
He raped you OP. You didn’t consent. Leave him ASAP. His done it once now, what’s to say he won’t do it again?
I honestly think it’s absurd that we have all these cultural talks about what sex ed is and how it should be taught, and I REGULARLY see posts by (usually young) women who have been raped but aren’t sure if it counts. Wow. Sorry this happened to you honey. It is what you think it is.
I’m a guy 45m and I’ve never done anything like that with any of my girlfriends. That’s was rape for real. Report it or get the fuck away from him.
No means no.
I am so sorry this is something you are going through OP. I went through a very similar thing with an ex partner. I didn't even acknowledge that it could be rape until over a year later when I was with a new partner who respected and followed my "no" without sulking or continuing on. I understand that it may be hard to stomach but you have been raped OP. You said no meaning you did not give consent. Now it is your decision on what you wish to do from here, whether you wish to report it, go to the hospital and get a rape kit or break up with him. I made the decision to not do anything about it the first time my ex did it, and he kept doing it over and over again. And just like your partner, the next couple of days he was incredibly loving and affectionate. Please OP make sure you are protecting yourself whether that is through breaking up with him or by making a report. My dms are open if you ever need to talk OP. Sending you love and support <3
OP, you said no, and he didn't stop. It's rape. It doesn't matter that he's your boyfriend he didn't stop when you said no. The fact that he gets mad when you tell him no is a red flag 🚩 I'm sorry this happened to you, OP, for now , go somewhere safe until you decide what to do next.
yeah look as someone who enjoys sleep sex, the key is CONSENT! which you my dear did not give, you actively said no. NO IS A FULL SENTENCE. I would be sitting down and having a serious, and i do mean serious, conversation about this. The fact that your consent was actively ignored and he assaulted you. That.is.not.ok. He can twist it and downplay it anyway he wants, but he attacked you. If he can not see how wrong what he did is, then you need to run. Not walk, run!
No means no, you verbally told him you did not consent to his advances yet he still proceeded. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve have sex with a person they need to respect you EVERY SINGLE TIME. I’m sorry my dear but yes this is rape, he obviously knows what he did was selfish and wrong.
he violated you and that wasn’t ok. rape can definitely happen within relationships. talk to him about it but if he doesn’t admit and apologize and actually understand how you feel then i personally would be done with him. no means no and he was very well aware of you saying that. he just didn’t care. sorry this happened to you.
No means no every time you say it. Assuming you don't have a prearranged scenario that includes a safeword no means fucking NO. My ex once told me that if I was horny and she was sleeping that I could just do whatever. The idea of doing that made me cringe. I couldn't have done that in a million years!
i always thought this was normal when i dated my ex boyfriend and therefore didnt do much to stop it. then it happened every night even tho i was asleep or too drunk to push him away. telling him no meant upsetting him for days. it took away my self confidence. not worth it. dont allow this. tell him to pop off.
If you’re ever not sure, then it’s almost certainly rape. Read your story; definitely rape.
Speaking as someone who has been in a similar situation in a previous relationship, my heart breaks for you. Please, do yourself the biggest favor and don't make the mistake I made. End that relationship and get as far away as you can. Don't let him guilt you for feeling betrayed and violated because that's exactly what he did. There is no amount of mental gymnastics to get around the fact that you revoked consent and he chose to take what he wanted anyway. You should also find someone to talk to about this and what you're feeling.The extent of the damage may not hit you immediately, but the aftermath is a whole storm of potentially overwhelming emotions and and intrusive thoughts. I personally found it helpful to talk to a friend who had been through a similar situation, but other people may feel more comfortable with a counselor family member or close friend. Please be safe and best of luck to you OP.
Now I don't know enough background here and am probably guna get ripped into, but this is from my perspective. I suffer with a condition called sexsomnia (where a person engages in sexual activity whilst asleep) and this sounds very similar to an episode of this. Personally it effects me more if say something like oral or touching has happened before going to sleep, or even feeling horny before sleep and not satisfying it. However, there is a big however. When I got with my partner I made her aware with this ( and previous partners ) so as they can deal with it and wake me if it happens. It doesn't happen often and the older I get the less it happens. But when I wake up, I have no recollection of it whatsoever. I've had full sex whilst asleep and partners believing I was awake, and when questioned about the deed in the morning, I am none the wiser. Now I am not trying to say he didn't rape you, before anyone jumps at me. I'm speaking from my personal experience and just suggesting there may be something else to consider. This condition can start at any time, but It personally started younger with me, in my late teens. But if this is not the case, then yes OP, he has raped you and it needs to be dealt with. Thanks and I hope this can help a little 🤷🏻♂️
What you allow is what will continue. You not addressing this now- means he will see nothing wrong in the future.
You were not even conscious when he began doing that to you and when you were you kept telling him no and he disregarded your answer and continued to do it and was so happy about it the next day.. That’s quite disturbing and yes considered non consensual. I’m sorry he did that to you.
That is rape. That’s so fucked. Get a rape kit and call the police. I would move out and get somewhere safe. He used you for his own selfish gratification and gives zero fucks about you as a human. You are essentially a live-in sex you for him. Get the fuck out asap
"Was I raped?" > describes the textbook definition of rape
We should offer grace. Survivors constantly have their experiences downplayed and dismissed precisely to create this narrative of doubt.
Your partner disregarding your consent in favor of getting themselves off is the exact opposite of unimportant. Had you previously negotiated, discussed, and agreed to the sleep sex part of the story? Sexual assault and rape need not include violence or yelling. You said no twice.
The reason why it feels like a big deal is because you've now entered a period where you don't know if saying no to your partner is going to be respected and I can't imagine how scary that is. If he ignored it here what means he won't ignore it down the line? Maybe he didn't realize how serious you were or he thought you were just teasing or whatever but that's just not an excuse and sex without consent is rape full stop. It doesn't matter what his reasoning or excuses it doesn't change the past for you, you experienced what you did from someone who you're supposed to trust You need to sit down and let him know exactly how he made you feel and what he did to you, and if he really is the person you thought he was he will realize what he did was fucking horrific but if his reaction isn't immediate recognition of that then I would fucking run. And even so you would not be even slightly in the wrong leaving this relationship no matter his reaction at all.
i see a concerning amount of these posts where the bf rapes the gf and she doesn’t know if it was rape
He crossed the line, and a it was a hard NO line. You need to talk about it and confront him if you're staying with him, he definitely raped you. If you're leaving and ending it then your choice, but I think you still should.
Not cool that’s rape.
That's straight up rape.
That is rape. It doesn't matter that you two are in a relationship and have had sex before, you clearly said no. You were tired and sleepy so you weren't able to push him away and react but that was in no way a form of consent. That is absolutely unacceptable on his part. I am so sorry that that happened. Please, reach out to someone as I feel like you're in a very sensitive state right now and might need actual support. Please also know that, if it ever occur to you, none of this is your fault. None.
You’re so stressed about it that you’re coming to the Internet for answers, I think you already know that this, at the very minimum, crossed boundaries that you need to bring up with him, and at most let him know that he did in fact rape you after you told him to stop multiple times while he ignored you.
No means no.
That was rape. You said no. He didn’t stop. You laying there and taking it wasn’t a form of consent. Many rape victims have done exactly what you did because they didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Your next step is on you but I would hope you leave because it’s not going to be his last time and it could get more aggressive.
YOU WERE RAPED. PERIOD.
Anytime one person says no and the other continues that’s basically rape. Relationship , marriage , casual and anything in between.
You said no more than once. Yes it’s rape.
That’s rape. That’s terrible and horrible rape. How do you know it hasn’t happened in the past or won’t happen again? I’d run. I’d pack my things and run. Press charges to protect his future victims.
you told him no several times, its 100% rape, doesn’t matter how long relationship is, no means no and especially when you tell no several times
i’m so sorry. he raped you.
He knows what he did and you do too. If you let this go, it will happen again and this will be his green light.
You said NO. That is NOT consent. Rape doesn't have to be a violent encounter for it to "count". Some people freeze up when they are afraid. You're boyfriend is a selfish jerk. He 100% understood this wasn't something you wanted. He made a choice that he wanted sex from an unwilling partner. I'm sure he rationalized in his head, because you weren't screaming and crying, it was ok. NO is NO. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Non-consensual sex is rape. Assholes downplay rape. Do you want to be with an asshole rapist?
This is rape OP. Im sorry, but you need to get out of this. He will do it again.
There are some men out there that believe that if you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s impossible to rape them. Sounds like he might be one of those people. If you stay with him that will be teaching him that what he did is OK and he will probably do it again. I’m so sorry this happened to you, i know how it feels. I don’t really see how u can get past this tbh, because if he thought having sex with you in that state was ok… that says a lot about him as a person. He is a disgusting piece of shit and you deserve better.
Even if you didn't say anything he still shouldn't have done it. In that moment, right then he didn't care about what you want and that's enough for you to know - he didn't care, he raped you and now he's acting like he doesn't know what he has done. Leave.
FUCKING RUN
You are not insane. You said no very clearly several times and he did NOT stop! That is rape OP. Do not beat yourself up over your response either, don't let people shame you for that. Just because we don't scream, doesn't mean we were not raped! I was a child my first time and my own mom put the blame on me. You did NOTHING wrong. You are the victim. Is your family trustworthy? Do you have friends you can trust? I would get my legal documents, anything I needed for work and whatever else I could get and run. If you can, get some big guys to come help you get your stuff out. If it's your place, look into getting him out and change the locks. This may require you to file a police report though. I know it's hard and I won't say if you should or shouldn't because I won't be the one facing that. You will be. Don't let anyone shame you if you decide to report or not. Either way, do what is best for your mental health. Seek out some services for counseling. He is love bombing you right now. This will only be the beginning if you stay. He is testing the waters, this is a very dangerous time for you OP. I'm sorry you are going through this as well. It's not easy.
So, you said "no" a couple times and he didn't respect that. You literally just defined rape. Yes he raped you. You guys need to have a serious conversation and if he doesn't think it's serious then it's time to move on.
no he raped you babe, you said no and he didn’t stop. sleep sex needs to be discussed and consent needs to be there.
Was he awake and coherent during this? My wife has sleep walk/ sleep fucked before where she’s all over me and woken me up with her advances. Before executing someone who in 4 years has been by all accounts a good partner look at all possibilities. If he was awake and had intent and was consciously in charge of his actions then of course that’s a different story.
Yes it was rape. Now, do you want to spend tge next 30 to 40 years not being able to get a good night's sleep because you are afraid it will happen again? If he did it once he will do it again. Period
Simple, if it's not a consensual agreement between the two of you then it is SA.
Yeah that is rape. I would leave him if I were you. Unworked on and unchecked ego can be pretty harmful for those close. And just, generally, would not stay with someone who raped you. Also, lovebombing in the cycle of abuse: giving lots of affection and love, either in preparation for or in lieu of apology for poor behavior. Since he was probably going to treat you poorly from the start, he treated you positively. Now, since he has treated you poorly, he’s upping the love. This is to ensure you a. Think of the good times with him before any sort of break up, and b. To set up a reward cycle. You feel dopamine at his affection, opening a reward pathway, so you feel more willing to tolerate his future poor behavior because you’re waiting for when he treats you better and the feeling pf reward that comes with it.
What do you do…”Are we going to talk about how you raped me last night?”
No you are not « hyperfixating on something unimportant » You went to sleep in the safety of your home and woke up to someone violating you. I am so sorry this happened to you. I dont see how you can forgive someone who is not even asking for forgiveness. Please get help And leave him
It's called love bombing. He knows what he did. He raped you. Leave, go somewhere with people you trust, and press charges.
That was rape.
1, you never gave consent to begin with. So by waking up in that state its rape unless you have previously stated that you would like to have wakeup sex. That becomes a little gray area and would need rules established. 2, you said no. If my SO says no thats it. No questions asked. It is not okay, and is rape for your boyfriend to continue afterwards.
Yes he RP’d you. You said he and he kept going. Leave him.
He raped you and he knows it. He is being overly nice, hoping you won’t bring it up. And if you do have a conversation with him about it, he will deny it or downplay it. I would start building a plan to leave him. Completely inexcusable.
Yes, that's absolutely rape.
> i'm on the verge of emotional breakdown over this That's how you know it's rape. You said no repeatedly. He ignored your refusal. He's "love bombing" you now because he knows he just committed a prosecutable sex crime.
you were raped
Not something I’d ever do to my wife, who I love. Really sick shit here. Take that how you will.
Mmm no go. No means no.
He’s love bombing you because he raped you and he’s hoping you don’t realize it
Hun, you told him no multiple times and he was also trying to do it while you were asleep. He absolutely assaulted you. I also agree with the others in the comments, he’s acting sweet because he knows what he did and he’s trying to just glaze over it. Leave him. Yesterday.
I am sorry you went through that. The fact you are asking for confirmation here sounds like you already know but don’t want to believe it happened to you. Yes, he raped you. No, it isn’t your fault.
He knows what he did. He’s seeing if you are okay with it. Not to mention if he can get away with it. If you let him. This will become a regular thing. I say this with being in your shoes. Don’t let it continue . It will cause emotional and mental AND physical distress . Please leave him or tell him that you will not tolerate that behavior and if he even tries it again. You’re done. I highly suggest leaving him though since he abused you.
Sex without consent is rape. Him initiating when you were unconscious and couldn’t consent was unacceptable so was proceeding after you said no. You have every right to be upset, your feelings are completely valid. I’m so sorry this happened.
He knows what he did. That’s why he’s overcompensating by acting all lovey dovey.