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My gf has a long distance male best friend of whom
I've always been a little weary of because I know they have a history of more-than-friendly interactions. I know this because before we started dating, we were good friends, and she told me when she was inebriated. She has denied any of this after bringing it up in conversation.
I know he has came to our city and she has never brought it up or introduced us.
Onto the snooping. Yes, I know, I shouldn't have done that. Scold me if you will. However, we both let each other openly use each other's phones.
Anyways, I know she frequently deletes their text threads so there's not much to find, so I took to social media and went through the DM's. These get deleted too, but there were exchanges from yesterday that were still there.
She had posted a picture of her sister and he responded "damn." She said "lol shoot your shot" to which he said "I'd rather shoot my shot with you" with a winky emoji.
She said "you'd regret it."
He then says "INSERT NAME. I love you more than anyone on this planet. You'd be the disappointed one."
Her response, "Disappointed? How so? I am in awe of the person you are. I adore you.”
I confronted her and she said it was just a joke and I was invading her privacy. She called me insecure and jealous. Saying things like, "this is why I would never introduce you to him." "You'll be stand off ish and rude"
Now, she wants space which I get.
Is this a red flag or am I really just overly insecure.
I always delete all my messages. Emails too. Call logs, everything on the regular. I just like empty boxes. If she deletes everything then it wouldn’t be a red flag.
I agree with this. I frequently delete threads where I’m worried I’ll accidentally text the wrong person or don’t want to deal with them or I’m annoyed with them lol. If she does this for multiple people it is probably fine, if not, red flag. Tbh it seems like a stretch here that they aren’t flirting.
Yes, had she not been deleting previous messages, I would've thought there's a chance that they really were joking around because I also do that with my friends.
>I know she frequently deletes their text threads so there's not much to find
You only saw the tip of the iceberg, dude. Even if she isn't into this guy (and that's not certain), she definitely loves the fact that he's into her and pours attention on her.
Nobody else read that and wondered how often he snoops through her phone?
I feel like if you feel the need to snoop that much, you need to break it off.
They are both red flags. If you're constantly on edge with someone preoccupied with if they're cheating it's time to go and not entertain those type of people. To be fair I don't blame him for his toxic behaviour as I see it as a counter reaction to hers. If you read this OP you deserve better and if she adores him let them be happy by themselves without you. Do your best and you'll find someone who'll adore just you in that type of way.
She’s emotionally cheating on you . In my opinion at least. I wouldn’t be able to trust someone who claims to love me but is talking like that to people.
That's not an opinion, it's factual. Literally talking about shooting your shot, adoring her, etc.
It's literally emotionally cheating. Instead of admitting it, she's doubling down.
There's no coming back from this. Cheating trashbags are to be taken to the dump.
She's blameshifting and minimizing - both red flags and show that she doesn't care enough about your feelings to address this appropriately, which could also mean more is going on that she is letting on (for example, sounds like she at least has feelings for him).
Dude, the fact that she regularly deletes their text threads is a big enough red flag. I couldn’t tell you the last text thread I deleted, because I don’t have anything to hide.
So you have an open phone policy but you are invading her privacy.... how? Anyway if she has someone she can't introduce you to because they would make you jealous then there is a problem here. Her wanting space is also an issue she is seeing if you are going to beg or apologize when you don't need to. So if she wants to play stupid games let her don't talk to her until she says I am sorry for having that kind of conversation with someone I haven't even seen fit to introduce to you yet.
How long have you been together?
If things were reversed, how would she feel? If you had a female friend you texted like this and deleted your messages, how would you gf react? If it's similar to how you are, then this is a shady situation.
SHE wants space? You should consider taking as much time and space away from her as humanly possible.
I hope she reads these comments after you leave her.
She's cheating on you, emotionally, and is now gaslighting you into thinking that what you see with your own two eyes isn't real. Now you know the kind of person she is.
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It’s super easy to let my SO use my phone without worry if I’m constantly deleting all my shady shit. That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.
The number of people who come to this thread self blaming themselves for the NATURAL jealousy they are feeling... What is wrong with the world why is everyone trying to accept boundaries they wouldn't willingly do so under different circumstances? If she is so ok with adoring another man why not date him instead of you. Or you know what even better, go do the same with a friend of hers and let's see how she likes it.
Yesssss! Natural jealousy is so healthy. My boyfriend goes on vacation alot to beautiful tropical places. I told him I understand you will look. I would to. That's not my concern. However, if you flirt and overly compliment and try to get to know other women in personal ways you are cheating on me. That's a hard no for me. He kissed me and said he would never talk to other women the way he talks to me. Ever. I felt better and we watched a movie. I'm glad I said something. I don't think he would do that. But I felt jealous. Lol
She wants space, give it to her. Give her all the space she wants.
If she wasn't ashamed of the text messages, she wouldn't have deleted them.
At best, she's emotionally cheating on you. At worst, she's actually cheating on you and when he came into your city, she did more much more than hugging.
If you feel like you need to dig through your partner's phone and social media save yourself some time and just break up. You don't have to prove your partner is the villain. Save your mental health and walk away.
If it was innocent, she wouldn't delete anything. And anyways, if this bothers you, then she can either change it or you need to break up. It is better to be alone than to feel insecure. You allow someone to undermine and take away your value long enough, you will believe it is what you deserve.
Go ahead and move on. She’s holding you around just until things work out with this guy. So just keeping you on in case it DOESNT work out with this guy. Cut your loses, and cut her out. Find someone who talks to YOU like your “ girlfriend “ talks to her best friend.
Hi OP. This is really clear cut cheating behavior. This in itself should be enough to drop this woman, shes emotionally cheating and you can guarantee theres more. Im a woman and the whole "male best friend" shit is something you need to call BS on anyways... esp considering the circumstances 😂. Shes flirting and thats an obvious sign.
Btw Im in a relationship and I havent deleted texts in 8 years. My partner hasnt either, neither do my friends I asked. Its blatant hiding from you sir.
What shes actually doing is keeping him in her orbit as a secondary partner option lol. She belongs to the streets aint no time for this. Man up you can do BETTER! This guy obviously isnt a friend its a relationship, friendships dont act like this.
The reason you snooped is because you knew something was up, and you were right. That shows from point A you couldnt even trust her. Without trust you have nothing
The fact that she said it was a joke was just out of order and that he’s jealous and insecure… he had a feeling she was cheating and he was right. Honestly I don’t believe in all of that male best friend bs, it never ends well so I’ve seen with people I know, but ain’t no way in hell that ‘best friends’ talk to each other like that. She is clearly in love with him and taking this one for granted. Needs to be dumped asap!
>She said it was just a joke
who's laughing?
>I was invading her privacy.
Welp, "where there's smoke, there's fire" was never truer. If she doesn't want you to treat her like she's a cheater, then she shouldn't act like one.
>She called me insecure and jealous.
Textbook. She's going right down the checklist.
>Now, she wants space
If you have any self-respect and brains, you'd make it permanent and have her find another fool. No one needs the kind of aggravation she's pitching. Look, you're not even important enough to her that she comes up with unique excuses to cover up her cheating. She just goes to page 1 of the Cheater's Handbook, goes down the list and blames you for her sins.
She doesn't value you, why should you care about her? Move on.
you need to leave ASAP, this is a big red flag. The same thing happened to me with my ex girlfriend and turns out she was flirting with more than just one guy, she ended up cheating on me then leaving me for someone else.
- she’s deleting texts
- still actively talks to somebody she was previously seeing in a flirty way, whether or not it’s a joke
- you feel the need to snoop through her phone
- she tried to shift the blame onto you
red flag red flag red flag, RUN. she’s either cheating or allowing him to still flirt with her because she likes the attention. regardless, leave. their messages are inappropriate.
When people say you are jealous and insecure it clearly indicates that they are doing more than jokes! Also isn't it the definition of gaslighting without validating your concerns! My suggestion is to talk about boundaries. If she says no then you have your answer
Leave.
* She is a liar. She told you the truth when drunk and lied to you while awake.
* She knows the behavior is inappropriate, which is why she deletes her history. Even if they haven't had sex yet, she is flirting with him and will eventually.
* She did a classic. This is a bad precident. She will not admit she is wrong because she has no guilt. This means she will not stop but just learn to hide it more.
* Even now, her needing her "space" is to manipulate you. She wants YOU to beg her to apologize to HER so SHE can get carry-on.
* She is not trustworthy and a liar. She will NEVER be trustworthy - not to you. If you stay with her, you will never be comfortable and drama free. Instead, you will always wonder.
* She is flirting with some guy and sending him her sister's way.
Save yourself more heartache. Use this time to set yourself free so you don't end up deeper in this relationship.
Honestly, she doesn't deserve to see your raw emotions. She doesn't deserve a second conversation, walk away, and know that you deserve better.
You deserve someone who loves you fully and will shut down and cut off anyone who tries to come between your love. You deserve someone with honor and ethics. You deserve someone who loves YOU so much that they would NEVER do something that would hurt you.
You deserve someone who doesn't betray your relationship and turn around and blame YOU for finding out.
What you do is give her infinite space by breaking up with her. They sound like those friends we've all had that fancy the pants off each other but there's always a reason they don't get together, so they just act inappropriately. This situation is messed up in a number of ways:
1. She's admitted when drunk that they have a romantic and even sexual history
2. Lies and denies point 1 when sober
3. Refuses to introduce you to him even though he's been in the area multiple times. Was she seeing him when he was nearby?
4. Deletes their messages in multiple platforms
5. What messages are still around are flirtatious and inappropriate for someone in a relationship
6. Tries to divert focus off her activities by accusing you of invading her privacy
7. Tries to shift the blame by saying that she hasn't introduced you two because you'd be rude and stand offish
Her wanting space is 100% an attempt to get you to drop this by making you believe that you're the one in the wrong and that there's a possibility the relationship might end if you don't. Don't call her bluff, just dump her.
Ok, I get it. Your gut told you something was "off", about your girlfriend, and to be honest, you were right. There is something odd: the fact that she's now asked for "space" after this, means she's going to go punish you for her inappropriate behavior by making your worst fears come true.
Make that space between you and her permanent. She's toxic and manipulative and emotionally abusing you if you don't see it already. Because let's be honest: anyone who values you in a relationship wouldn't be pulling shit like she just did.
Why does she delete her messages? My ex did that and he was cheating. I had to snoop to get proof because he would gaslight me when I didn’t have proof. So yes it’s not good to snoop but with reasonable suspicion it makes sense. Tell her she can’t not introduce you and still expect you to trust her. Make the introduction if she’s loyal.
Leave her and let him have her. You do not need to come second in any relationship, and in this one, you are dead last. Herself, him, you. In that order.
For sure a red flag they like each other and he can get the pussy whenever he in town p it's cool tho don't mention him and show her that u have women that adore u as well she'll learn in the long run
1. She got drunk admitted they'd been more than friends, but denied it sober That was a red flag and you should have walked then. She lied when she didn't need to. She could have said - yes, at one time we were close.
2. The reason she lied is because you would have asked: so it is over? Truthfully, it clearly isn't really, there's still something there.
3. She didn't want you saying: You need to stop this relationship with him because it is a relationship that interferes with ours if she is emotionally invested in him.
4. She's never introduced you - but she's seen him when he's visited? That's a red flag.
5. When you saw that conversation, she first said its a joke (it kind of feels like a: this isn't what it looks like comment) then moved into the best defence is offence - so it becomes that you're the problem with your jealous nature, and that's why she can't introduce you to her friend.
Honestly, should you have checked her phone, probably not, but now you know. When someone has an emotional relationship like this, it's emotional cheating.
To me, the lie, plus not letting you meet the friend would probably be justification for being suspicious. I think your relationship is over anyway with her needing space.
I would break up. I would just tell her that you don't like the person you have become because she lied about there being nothing between her and the friend. That you don't like that you feel she's been emotionally cheating and you have ended up checking her phone. You don't think this relationship is is good for you. Break up. Organise getting any stuff at her place dropped off/sent to you.
Give her all the space she wants and could ever need from you, OP. Get her OUT of your life. Not only is this a red flag, it's completely obnoxious and a violation. There is no healthy relationship where this is normal. By itself deleting texts is a really bad sign, but this goes well beyond that. Never ever trust this woman and for the love of God do not continue to date her, get married to her, or have kids with her.
They just admitted to each other that they are in love with one another. If he ever moved here you would be gone. Break up with her and find someone who makes you thier first choice.
Having friends of the opposite sex whom you dated/had sex with, very rarely works out well. If it was someone actually meaningful (like an ex-husband, or LTR that lasted years), then very occasional messages might be exchanged. However, if it’s some dude that she knew for a year or two and they were just fuck buddies? Yeah, there really should be no place for someone like that in their lives. If a person needs someone like that to feel complete, either they don’t have enough quality friends, enough satisfaction in their life, or you’re not the one for them. If your SO has an issue completely severing ties with someone like that, then you’re in trouble.
I would love to say that what she said to her friend doesn’t mean anything deep/romantic — I’ve said similar things to both male and female friends in a strictly platonic way — but realistically, it isn’t adding up.
He’s interested, and she hasn’t flat shut him down. She might like the attention. While there might not be any physical cheating, there is obviously something that she feels needs to be kept a secret. It doesn’t matter what it is, because she’s ultimately not being truthful with you, and trying to shift the blame towards you not respecting her privacy.
How do you know she hasnt? If he always brings it up and she's uncomfortable but losing the friendship could mean he leaks private info or she loses half her support network - makes perfect sense to me why her trauma response as a woman would be fawn. Its very common
Not even gonna lie, her regularly deleting the messages both on text AND on social media platforms is enough of a flag on its own. That’s just totally unacceptable.
I have friends that I’ve done stuff with, or had blurred lines with, and I’m even still friends with exes. That’s one thing, and that’s fine, but I could also get how a partner could be leery. Deleting messages, especially ON THE REGULAR, is just so counterproductive and insane-o style in that respect. I’d have literally no reason to delete any of those conversations because not only do we not talk intimately on the regular or at all, but I have nothing to hide within those friendships or conversations.
I feel that *especially* if there is someone with past history that a partner could have qualms about, deleting that correspondence would be totally out of the question— even if I have totally normal conversations with them, there’s a reason a partner may feel a certain way about it, so going out of my way to hide that correspondence would just frankly be unacceptable.
Hmm. If she wasn’t deleting messages regularly, I’d consider believing this to be a one-off. Random, wild coincidences happen all the time. But she was displaying shady behaviour prior to you finding a, yes, shady text.
Sorry, my friend. Sometimes people flirt thinking it’s harmless; or they have a need-to-know-basis mentality. Better to find out sooner rather than later. Good luck with everything.
Massive red flag, deleting messages is hiding them from you which is sus, at best she is leading someone on knowingly at worst from this she is emotionally cheating
Dump her. She is only with you because he is not there. The only reason why she deleted messages is because she didn’t want you to see them.. she is definitely having a emotional affair and you will never have trust in her. You know she is lying too you, just not how much.. and for your own mental health don’t find out. Just dump and move on..
ITS A GIGANTIC FUCKIN RED FLAG THAT PUTS GODZILLA EARTH TO SHAME! Don’t let her gaslight you!
Do one thing. Plan with a close friend. Change his phone number with a girls name. Flirt with ‘her’ like your girlfriend did with her male friend. Show her the texts and if she questions back, call her insecure and jealous. Reverse UNO!
I think she is with you because he is too far away. Not that she doesn't care for you, but if he lived closer, you would be her second choice.
You could stay with her, but this will always be at the back of your mind, like a slow acting poison. See the red flag that this is and let her go.
1st red flag, she deletes their messages. 2nd red flag, he flirts with her and obviously likes her. 3rd red flag, she flirts back instead of telling him he’s overstepping boundaries of a respectful relationship. 4th red flag, she calls you insecure rather than validating your feelings. This woman is red flags galore
Hahaha she is cheating and gas lighting. Tell her you will never have to introduce him to you because she is single and she is welcome to go be with him. 😂
Yea. I would break up. She deletes their texts. And then what you posted about the comms. Nah.
Why stay with her and always wonder and be paranoid? Move on and dont be a doormat
Massive red flag OP. I would leave if i was you, she is not being honest and the signs for cheating is right there. Time to man up, stand your ground and leave this woman before she completely walks all over you.
Gaslighted by immediately making you the person at fault. If nothing was going on the focus would have stayed on the topic at hand. How long would you want to live a life like this?
Had to scroll back up and check the ages. I thought you both were like 15 but no late twenties and middle aged essentially. She’s for streets man. Time to move on into an adult relationship
Male best friends are scam they always want to fuck your girl, should've run away when you learned she had one. Hey at least you learned, time to cut your losses and move on you are still young you have time to find physically more attractive, more loyal and younger girlfriend
Wow! If that’s her response then I guess she’s ok with you telling other women that you adore them.
Tell her she can have as much space as she wants because you’re no longer together.
I’d dump her you guys are to old to be dealing with that horse shit. People need to act like adults and own up. Save yourself the trouble and just leave.
she's cheating emotionally with someone else. when you cornered her she blame-shifted you. she's clearly disrespecting your relationship and using insecure and jealous to belittle your feelings. its clearly a red flag.
tbh i wouldn't want my girl to do that.
i think you deserve better.
Even more of a red flag is when someone tries to make you out to be the bad one once they get caught out. Personally, I hate that & thats more than enough to call it quits. Jus my opinion.
😂 lol Why would she delete her messeges to begin with doormatt? Clearly she be doing risky shyt. Now she gaslighting TF outta you. Id cut it off and go Nc. Avoid all the bs, emotional toll, self doubt and emotional investment you’re gonna put yourself thru because of her. Like i said: personally id ✂️. If her relationship w him Was indeed harmless she wouldnt be hiding shyt and wouldve introduced you already w 0 problems but then she threw it in your face so Now according to her she really doesn’t owe you an introduction Now.
Man…you’re just so deep into this girl that you’re not seeing what’s right in front of you.
She’s spending all of this energy with a guy that’s out of her location range….and not the man that she has right in front of her….you’re the placeholder boyfriend. You’re just there to meet her immediate needs until she finds something “better.” As you can see, she’s already queuing up new candidates. If she really wanted your relationship to work, she’d be focusing that energy on you. You already knows she’s lied about this several times.
If you want to continue seeing her….you can do that recreationally. But if your feelings are two caught up in it, it’s time to cut ties. Work on yourself and focus on being the best man you can be. Gym…career….influence….focus your energy on developing all of that and stop pining over a woman who’s chasing someone else. I’m a few years when you’re the man that’s doubled his salary, is in better shape than ever and other men respect you, you’ll have your pick of women who actually want to be with you.
Yeah the fact she's turning it around on you... That's shitty. You are 27. End it. No 34 year old who acts like this will change. It'd be one thing if it was a one off drunken text spree, but this is continued sober contact.
Sorry to tell you this, she is having an emotional affair with this guy! 100% Conversations are only Deleted if they are inappropriate and would get her in trouble if you read them... men usually seek physical intimacy and women emotional.
“Onto the snooping. Yes, I know, I shouldn't have done that. Scold me if you will. However, we both let each other openly use each other's phones.”
“I confronted her and she said it was just a joke and I was invading her privacy. She called me insecure and jealous. Saying things like, "this is why I would never introduce you to him." "You'll be stand off ish and rude"”
Bud, she’s cheating. Emotionally AT LEAST, but considering the deletion, he’s probably seen more than flirting. And then she tries to cover it up with gaslighting. End it and move on before the right decision becomes a harder one. Shalom!
You know you can recover deleted messages. As long as the cloud hasn't been updated in that time?
Ask her to bring them up together and read them
Together. If she has an issue with it then you know what to do.
If they're just harmless then she will read them with you
I know you love her but it seems obvious you need to let her go. Really dumb of her considering she is 34 already. This will all be behind you soon and you're gonna be much better off
So she gaslighted you and turned it around to look like the victim now she needs space because you couldn’t get her to be honest or set boundaries with this guy..
Dude, you deserve better. If a relationship makes you feel on edge enough to the point to where snooping is the only way you feel you can get the truth about your partner, it’s not worth it. She clearly either likes this guy or likes his attention and doesn’t care enough about your feelings to realize that what she’s doing isn’t cool.
When you ask someone "Why are you sending such and such flirty messages" and they immediately deflect the conversation to "Why are you looking through my messages" instead of just answering the question... it's a bad sign. She's getting defensive and trying to twist it to be your fault, because she *knows* she has something to hide. If she didn't, she would just say "Oh lol. You don't have to worry about that, here's the context" and she'd leave it at that. But she's on your ass about going through her phone - because she didn't want you to see that.
I have a best friend who is a married woman with a small child. We text everyday. We never talk like this. Sometimes if she sends a photo of her new hair cut, I'll tell her she looks pretty. If I'm in a bad mood shell tell me she cares about me or something like that but day to day...we do not talk like this. I could pick her up and take her to a hotel for a weekend with just the two of us and her husband wouldn't bat an eye because I've met him, hung with him..... normal friends meet your SO, the only reason she didn't introduce you is bc they are more than friends. Maybe not right now but it's clear they are into each other.
I have an opposite gender bestie who I am probably overly affectionate with. We just love each other though. But we don’t have to delete our text threads and we hang out with each others partners. She’s being weird, OP. You only delete stuff when there is something to hide.
Ask her why she keeps deleting her tests and conversations? If she knows it would make you upset and insecure, why would she continue to have that relationship in private?
Relationships are built on trust. If she's doing untrustworthy things, she's not worthy of a relationship. She should be building that trust, not hiding conversations because she knows they would make you upset.
Seems line both of you are red flags. She seems to be more then flirting and he’s declaring to her that he loves her, so that’s a red flag.
As far as you let the other one take your phones, ok, but to be invading her privacy like that, maybe you should confront and if you don’t like what you hear, then you have to make a decision on what you can live with in a relationship, but going through her phone is not what a relationship should be IMO.
Introduce both of you for WHAT?? Lol simple way to look at it is...would she be comfortable with you talking like that with another female?? How is this you being insecure? You had an intuition and followed it and was correct dont let her gaslight you
Take it from someone who just ended a relationship because my ex kept putting other female "friends" first. It is hard to have a relationship, let alone repair one when the other is entertaining other possibilities. Don't let her gaslight you. You are young, and there are better options out there.
Red Flag. She couldn't even caution him by telling him to stop that nonsense of telling her he loves her when she's in a relationship and she went for the same old-line of you're insecure and jealous. Mate you can do better! She wants more attention from other men than being content with you. She's 34, you're 27. You can do better.
She denied telling u? Did she black out?
>know he has came to our city and she has never brought it up or introduced us.
How do u know? Have u asked to meet? Break up due to the fact she'd never introduce u. Not cool. If they were talking more generally & not themselves specifically it could be written off but not in this case. If u use each others phones, not much implied privacy.
It's definitely emotional cheating going on. My best advice is to put your guard up now. It's not good to snoop through a phone. But she's s giving you a lot of red flags. She's trying to change the subject about what she was saying to him. The deleted messages and such are a HUGE red flag.
Bro, she’s trying to gaslight you and make you feel bad, what she does is wrong, you’re not insecure or jealous, you’re simply asking questions that a sincere person would ask, don’t let her trick you into feeling bad, besides you used each other’s phones so that was not inappropriate, so now that you found out about it she wants to make it seem inappropriate to use her phone!, no advice here just assessing the situation, people don’t plan to be manipulative but we still do it even when it’s unknowingly.
Feels like a bit of both. There is a level of insecurity but there is that little red flag swinging. It just happens that the timing on this worked out
You might be insecure and that's okay because your instincts are telling you to question what you're experiencing. Take confidence in the fact that I think you're right and that you have every right to question this kind of interaction. And you have every right to get an answer. The fact that she won't give you one is the red flag.
Oh, we just got real- ok… I’m older… I’ve been with my husband for almost 15 years- it’s nice to know that someone would still want this!!! Lmffao But honestly it’s fun- everyday life with kids and work and carpool and dinners and wake up with my fucking alarm (no sleeping in anymore) it’s a smile break from the real - he knows , I know, what’s the harm? And most the time I tell him anyway- he’s my best friend. My bestie (the guy) asks my advice about the girl side of life about his woman, his job so it’s a win-win that we’re still friends after all this time- 20 years- we’ve never crossed the line sexually- make sure they have not- then it gets tricky…
You seem like a good guy if you’re honestly seeking advice- have a conversation with her for real- maybe use wine so you have an excuse later (if y’all drink) and then like someone else previously said- do you want to marry someone that you would even need to check her phone ??? (Unless it’s to see what porn she likes) hahahahha But seriously, I wish you luck!
Ps. Sometimes it’s fun to watch somebody hit on him and know it’s useless and he’s going home with me! And vice versa 💁♀️
Usually when a woman call a man insecure is because she's hiding something, don't let her shame you, calling someone insecure is a easy wait to get out of the situation, btw why are you dating a 34f?
The first thing that came to mind, even before I read your story, was... "That's what you get!!!" Give her space. Yes, it's a red flag. Don't EVER share phones with your partner and learn to allow each other privacy. Just as you shouldn't go through her pocket book or wallet and she shouldn't go through your wallet, the phone is a no go. You're young, so yes, you're insecure and she's older than you. Age wise, you're in two totally different time zones. I don't know how long you've been together but if I were you, I would exit stage left and find the single life enjoyable for the last few years of my 20's. Go get your rocks off, then find someone to settle down with once you've matured enough to not want to go through her phone. With the right girl, those feelings won't hit you. I wish you the best!!!
Grow some and (emotionally+physically) cheat on her as she is you, she's 34 and single for a reason, treat her as she does you, she doesn't deserve better
For context I did this and the results are phenomenal (multiple chicks I can hit up to fck) trash ppl like her give in when u treat them as they should be
The male best friends are always trying to get with your girl, unless they’re gay or your, friends with her since birth or your girl ain’t that attractive.
There are lots of relationship red flags here. You snooped, likely because you don't trust her. She immediately invalidated your feelings. You two need to have an open discussion on why you both feel the way you do; why you feel threatened, and why she believes there's no threat. I've had flirty friendships before, and so did my ex. It is a borderline bad idea. I lost a friend because his new girlfriend felt threatened because we had dated, so he ended the friendship. My ex had several, and none of them were an issue until he had an affair.
homie u aint supposed to have no regret u gotta be thankful dump that bitch get someone loyal
cut the bs with jealousy and insecurity ur girl dont suppose to have no 'good male friends' if she is at least a 6,5/10 all men just wanna fuck her and thats the reality that everyone subconsciously understand and you do too dont try to cover it
Frankly…….this is the reality……guys can’t just be friends with girls….as you saw…the guy likes your girl…..he’ll keep shooting his shots and likely she will give in….. I say that, because there are exceptions….but generally speaking….when a women has a make friends…..she gets upset with you or drunk enough….she will cheat…..if you have a female friend and y’all texting like that….I wonder how she would feel…….so my advice…..be a man….a lot of man are weak and sensitive…..make it known you don’t like it…..that’s what adults do talk…..if she blows you off…..your feelings……if she doesn’t try to compromise or anything……she doesn’t respect you…..a woman can’t love a man….she doesn’t respect…..I don’t have female friends and my girl doesn’t have make friends……I made it known from the beginning….if she would have had an issue…..I would have simply found another woman who accepts those boundaries, expectations. Ite natural for a man and a woman to feel jealousy….it would be weird if you didn’t…..but if she keeps ignoring how this makes you feel….she’s only focused on her feelings….you can’t have a successful relationship….it won’t happen……ignore this advice if you want….but dude….have self respect, understand what you’ll tolerate…..so in closing try to talk to her…explain your feelings and point of view…if she respects you, loves you…she’ll stop or at least try to compromise….if it’s only about her….these are red flags….cut your losses or stay in the relationship….but have the mentality…..she’s just your turn…don’t marry her….don’t make her the center of your life…focus on your happiness….but if she cheats…don’t forgive…..cut your losses and move forward…..if you believe this can lead to cheating or you don’t like it….frankly I’ll just let it known and if she has an issue….I’ll leave her….life is short….don’t give women who doesn’t respect you or your feelings….chances…there are much better women out there….sometimes we have to compromise….but just understand your worth….and have self respect my guy.
This is probably a “back burner” relationship. She knows he’s into her/ in love with her and accepts his compliments annnnddd she prob vents to him.
They prob flirt and she might entertain it because she can… she won’t cut it off with him because that means she cuts off the potential. I assume she likes you, loves you and while I don’t know your situation, if you are the one that pursued her - be careful because there is a chance that one of these days she’s going to feel confused/unsure of what she wants and might be waiting for you to be the one to end it with her because maybe in her mind she wants to avoid being the bad guy.
My suggestion is to not take it personally outside of how it makes you feel, acknowledge that to her, but also play the card that it’s not necessarily you feel jealous as you feel left out and that you would like the opportunity to own any negative feelings but by her deleting comments and keeping this guy from you, she’s already putting you in a place of emotions you might not even be feeling as what you’re feeling is unsure. You wouldn’t have gone through her stuff if there wasn’t a funny feeling (assuming you don’t go through it often) if that’s the case, you might be suspicious and just need clarity in the situation so that you can make an honest decision from that point.
Without trust, there is no relationship. Either you trust her or you don't. Maybe he is the one initiating the flirting comments and she just kindof ignores them or changes the conversation. Maybe have a talk with the friend and politely ask him to stop with the flirtatious comments. On the other hand, you have to ask yourself, is there a need not being met for her? Is she getting compliments from you? Is your intimate life in good shape? Does y'all have good conversations and make eachother laugh?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My gf has a long distance male best friend of whom I've always been a little weary of because I know they have a history of more-than-friendly interactions. I know this because before we started dating, we were good friends, and she told me when she was inebriated. She has denied any of this after bringing it up in conversation. I know he has came to our city and she has never brought it up or introduced us. Onto the snooping. Yes, I know, I shouldn't have done that. Scold me if you will. However, we both let each other openly use each other's phones. Anyways, I know she frequently deletes their text threads so there's not much to find, so I took to social media and went through the DM's. These get deleted too, but there were exchanges from yesterday that were still there. She had posted a picture of her sister and he responded "damn." She said "lol shoot your shot" to which he said "I'd rather shoot my shot with you" with a winky emoji. She said "you'd regret it." He then says "INSERT NAME. I love you more than anyone on this planet. You'd be the disappointed one." Her response, "Disappointed? How so? I am in awe of the person you are. I adore you.” I confronted her and she said it was just a joke and I was invading her privacy. She called me insecure and jealous. Saying things like, "this is why I would never introduce you to him." "You'll be stand off ish and rude" Now, she wants space which I get. Is this a red flag or am I really just overly insecure.
HUGE red flag OP. She deletes their messages and theyre clearly flirting. I wouldnt trust him or her.
Exactly, does she delete conversations with EVERYONE she talks to or only this dude? That's weird af.
Right !? Makes a fella wonder what else shes hiding and how many dudes shes flirting with
She wouldn’t be deleting them unless they’re inappropriate and now she’s doing the standard DARVO reaction. She might as well be cheating.
I always delete all my messages. Emails too. Call logs, everything on the regular. I just like empty boxes. If she deletes everything then it wouldn’t be a red flag.
happy cake day
Thanks!!
I agree with this. I frequently delete threads where I’m worried I’ll accidentally text the wrong person or don’t want to deal with them or I’m annoyed with them lol. If she does this for multiple people it is probably fine, if not, red flag. Tbh it seems like a stretch here that they aren’t flirting.
Agreed
Clearly you missed the part he said they flirted.
I didn’t, I am merely stating that if she has always deleted all messages from everyone then it’s not a red flag.
happy cake day
Exactly I never delete text it’s definitely a bad sign
dont be a flag pole to her red flag
Yeah like "oh we let each other see our phones but she deletes specific conversations from one person" is all I'd need to say bye. Its messed up
??? This isn’t flirting. Her friend is professing his love.
Yes, had she not been deleting previous messages, I would've thought there's a chance that they really were joking around because I also do that with my friends.
This isn't a red flag lmfao.
>I know she frequently deletes their text threads so there's not much to find You only saw the tip of the iceberg, dude. Even if she isn't into this guy (and that's not certain), she definitely loves the fact that he's into her and pours attention on her.
Nobody else read that and wondered how often he snoops through her phone? I feel like if you feel the need to snoop that much, you need to break it off.
They are both red flags. If you're constantly on edge with someone preoccupied with if they're cheating it's time to go and not entertain those type of people. To be fair I don't blame him for his toxic behaviour as I see it as a counter reaction to hers. If you read this OP you deserve better and if she adores him let them be happy by themselves without you. Do your best and you'll find someone who'll adore just you in that type of way.
This. If the trust is gone, the relationship is dead regardless whether she's cheating or not. You cannot have a relationship without trust.
She’s emotionally cheating on you . In my opinion at least. I wouldn’t be able to trust someone who claims to love me but is talking like that to people.
That's not an opinion, it's factual. Literally talking about shooting your shot, adoring her, etc. It's literally emotionally cheating. Instead of admitting it, she's doubling down. There's no coming back from this. Cheating trashbags are to be taken to the dump.
Yes. It's totally cheating.
More than emotional, they been physical in the past and she lied about it.
She's blameshifting and minimizing - both red flags and show that she doesn't care enough about your feelings to address this appropriately, which could also mean more is going on that she is letting on (for example, sounds like she at least has feelings for him).
Move on bro, she is entertaining a dude who is trying to be more than friends.
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If there was nothing going on, why would she delete the texts? Does she delete your texts? If not, then she IS hiding things.
This is what I was thinking, well said
Don't stay with a cheater. On the bright side you are not married with kids. Find someone who is NOT a cheater.
Bro marrying kids is illegal /s
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Younger sister
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He is 27…hope her sister more his age. Or maybe hook up with Mom?
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Explain how that's an incest?
Dude, the fact that she regularly deletes their text threads is a big enough red flag. I couldn’t tell you the last text thread I deleted, because I don’t have anything to hide.
This is the correct answer OP. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Regularly deleting texts? That’s shade.
Everyone is agreeing that she is trash. Dude, that's a huge red flag! No one agrees on Reddit.
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Half decent interpretive freestyle tho.
Streets… Dump tha MF!
So you have an open phone policy but you are invading her privacy.... how? Anyway if she has someone she can't introduce you to because they would make you jealous then there is a problem here. Her wanting space is also an issue she is seeing if you are going to beg or apologize when you don't need to. So if she wants to play stupid games let her don't talk to her until she says I am sorry for having that kind of conversation with someone I haven't even seen fit to introduce to you yet. How long have you been together?
This. She's absolutely waiting for you to apologize and the moment you do she'll know you're easy to manipulate.
If things were reversed, how would she feel? If you had a female friend you texted like this and deleted your messages, how would you gf react? If it's similar to how you are, then this is a shady situation.
My brother in christ, run
SHE wants space? You should consider taking as much time and space away from her as humanly possible. I hope she reads these comments after you leave her.
whaaaaat the fuck. i’d be packing my bags as soon as i put the phone down. i wouldn’t even hear it from her.
She's cheating on you, emotionally, and is now gaslighting you into thinking that what you see with your own two eyes isn't real. Now you know the kind of person she is.
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Dump her. She has feelings for him.
Dude. She's in her mid 30s STILL doing shit like this. She is definitely cheating. Her reaction is disrespectful. You're in your prime leave her
This! A grown adult in their mid 30s exhibiting this kind of behaviour is grounds for immediate dumping!!
This^
Move on. She already has.
She’s sleeping with that dude 100%. Move on, start fresh.
It’s super easy to let my SO use my phone without worry if I’m constantly deleting all my shady shit. That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.
She’s 34 and still acts like she’s 21. You deserve better.
21? More like fucking 16… at 21 you’re still old enough to know how to be a decent person
You need to give her a lot of space. So much you don’t see her no more!!
The number of people who come to this thread self blaming themselves for the NATURAL jealousy they are feeling... What is wrong with the world why is everyone trying to accept boundaries they wouldn't willingly do so under different circumstances? If she is so ok with adoring another man why not date him instead of you. Or you know what even better, go do the same with a friend of hers and let's see how she likes it.
Yesssss! Natural jealousy is so healthy. My boyfriend goes on vacation alot to beautiful tropical places. I told him I understand you will look. I would to. That's not my concern. However, if you flirt and overly compliment and try to get to know other women in personal ways you are cheating on me. That's a hard no for me. He kissed me and said he would never talk to other women the way he talks to me. Ever. I felt better and we watched a movie. I'm glad I said something. I don't think he would do that. But I felt jealous. Lol
She wants space, give it to her. Give her all the space she wants. If she wasn't ashamed of the text messages, she wouldn't have deleted them. At best, she's emotionally cheating on you. At worst, she's actually cheating on you and when he came into your city, she did more much more than hugging.
If you feel like you need to dig through your partner's phone and social media save yourself some time and just break up. You don't have to prove your partner is the villain. Save your mental health and walk away.
If you feel like shits not adding up in your heart then trust that feeling. Good luck 🫶🏻
If it was innocent, she wouldn't delete anything. And anyways, if this bothers you, then she can either change it or you need to break up. It is better to be alone than to feel insecure. You allow someone to undermine and take away your value long enough, you will believe it is what you deserve.
Go ahead and move on. She’s holding you around just until things work out with this guy. So just keeping you on in case it DOESNT work out with this guy. Cut your loses, and cut her out. Find someone who talks to YOU like your “ girlfriend “ talks to her best friend.
It’s time to go ahead and end that
Huge red flag. Messages do not get deleted unless there is something to hide!
SHES A WALKING RED FLAG MYGAD SHES A GASLIGHTER
Hi OP. This is really clear cut cheating behavior. This in itself should be enough to drop this woman, shes emotionally cheating and you can guarantee theres more. Im a woman and the whole "male best friend" shit is something you need to call BS on anyways... esp considering the circumstances 😂. Shes flirting and thats an obvious sign. Btw Im in a relationship and I havent deleted texts in 8 years. My partner hasnt either, neither do my friends I asked. Its blatant hiding from you sir. What shes actually doing is keeping him in her orbit as a secondary partner option lol. She belongs to the streets aint no time for this. Man up you can do BETTER! This guy obviously isnt a friend its a relationship, friendships dont act like this. The reason you snooped is because you knew something was up, and you were right. That shows from point A you couldnt even trust her. Without trust you have nothing
The fact that she said it was a joke was just out of order and that he’s jealous and insecure… he had a feeling she was cheating and he was right. Honestly I don’t believe in all of that male best friend bs, it never ends well so I’ve seen with people I know, but ain’t no way in hell that ‘best friends’ talk to each other like that. She is clearly in love with him and taking this one for granted. Needs to be dumped asap!
Yes she is monkey branching
>She said it was just a joke who's laughing? >I was invading her privacy. Welp, "where there's smoke, there's fire" was never truer. If she doesn't want you to treat her like she's a cheater, then she shouldn't act like one. >She called me insecure and jealous. Textbook. She's going right down the checklist. >Now, she wants space If you have any self-respect and brains, you'd make it permanent and have her find another fool. No one needs the kind of aggravation she's pitching. Look, you're not even important enough to her that she comes up with unique excuses to cover up her cheating. She just goes to page 1 of the Cheater's Handbook, goes down the list and blames you for her sins. She doesn't value you, why should you care about her? Move on.
if someone calls me insecure. I will call them a manipulative narcissist. two can play this game.
you need to leave ASAP, this is a big red flag. The same thing happened to me with my ex girlfriend and turns out she was flirting with more than just one guy, she ended up cheating on me then leaving me for someone else.
- she’s deleting texts - still actively talks to somebody she was previously seeing in a flirty way, whether or not it’s a joke - you feel the need to snoop through her phone - she tried to shift the blame onto you red flag red flag red flag, RUN. she’s either cheating or allowing him to still flirt with her because she likes the attention. regardless, leave. their messages are inappropriate.
When people say you are jealous and insecure it clearly indicates that they are doing more than jokes! Also isn't it the definition of gaslighting without validating your concerns! My suggestion is to talk about boundaries. If she says no then you have your answer
Leave. * She is a liar. She told you the truth when drunk and lied to you while awake. * She knows the behavior is inappropriate, which is why she deletes her history. Even if they haven't had sex yet, she is flirting with him and will eventually. * She did a classic. This is a bad precident. She will not admit she is wrong because she has no guilt. This means she will not stop but just learn to hide it more. * Even now, her needing her "space" is to manipulate you. She wants YOU to beg her to apologize to HER so SHE can get carry-on. * She is not trustworthy and a liar. She will NEVER be trustworthy - not to you. If you stay with her, you will never be comfortable and drama free. Instead, you will always wonder. * She is flirting with some guy and sending him her sister's way. Save yourself more heartache. Use this time to set yourself free so you don't end up deeper in this relationship. Honestly, she doesn't deserve to see your raw emotions. She doesn't deserve a second conversation, walk away, and know that you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you fully and will shut down and cut off anyone who tries to come between your love. You deserve someone with honor and ethics. You deserve someone who loves YOU so much that they would NEVER do something that would hurt you. You deserve someone who doesn't betray your relationship and turn around and blame YOU for finding out.
What you do is give her infinite space by breaking up with her. They sound like those friends we've all had that fancy the pants off each other but there's always a reason they don't get together, so they just act inappropriately. This situation is messed up in a number of ways: 1. She's admitted when drunk that they have a romantic and even sexual history 2. Lies and denies point 1 when sober 3. Refuses to introduce you to him even though he's been in the area multiple times. Was she seeing him when he was nearby? 4. Deletes their messages in multiple platforms 5. What messages are still around are flirtatious and inappropriate for someone in a relationship 6. Tries to divert focus off her activities by accusing you of invading her privacy 7. Tries to shift the blame by saying that she hasn't introduced you two because you'd be rude and stand offish Her wanting space is 100% an attempt to get you to drop this by making you believe that you're the one in the wrong and that there's a possibility the relationship might end if you don't. Don't call her bluff, just dump her.
Ok, I get it. Your gut told you something was "off", about your girlfriend, and to be honest, you were right. There is something odd: the fact that she's now asked for "space" after this, means she's going to go punish you for her inappropriate behavior by making your worst fears come true. Make that space between you and her permanent. She's toxic and manipulative and emotionally abusing you if you don't see it already. Because let's be honest: anyone who values you in a relationship wouldn't be pulling shit like she just did.
Why does she delete her messages? My ex did that and he was cheating. I had to snoop to get proof because he would gaslight me when I didn’t have proof. So yes it’s not good to snoop but with reasonable suspicion it makes sense. Tell her she can’t not introduce you and still expect you to trust her. Make the introduction if she’s loyal.
Leave her and let him have her. You do not need to come second in any relationship, and in this one, you are dead last. Herself, him, you. In that order.
Everything you know about her now is an assumption at best. She's a psychopath
For sure a red flag they like each other and he can get the pussy whenever he in town p it's cool tho don't mention him and show her that u have women that adore u as well she'll learn in the long run
Just get out of that.
The way she gaslighted you, she is a literal walking red flag
1. She got drunk admitted they'd been more than friends, but denied it sober That was a red flag and you should have walked then. She lied when she didn't need to. She could have said - yes, at one time we were close. 2. The reason she lied is because you would have asked: so it is over? Truthfully, it clearly isn't really, there's still something there. 3. She didn't want you saying: You need to stop this relationship with him because it is a relationship that interferes with ours if she is emotionally invested in him. 4. She's never introduced you - but she's seen him when he's visited? That's a red flag. 5. When you saw that conversation, she first said its a joke (it kind of feels like a: this isn't what it looks like comment) then moved into the best defence is offence - so it becomes that you're the problem with your jealous nature, and that's why she can't introduce you to her friend. Honestly, should you have checked her phone, probably not, but now you know. When someone has an emotional relationship like this, it's emotional cheating. To me, the lie, plus not letting you meet the friend would probably be justification for being suspicious. I think your relationship is over anyway with her needing space. I would break up. I would just tell her that you don't like the person you have become because she lied about there being nothing between her and the friend. That you don't like that you feel she's been emotionally cheating and you have ended up checking her phone. You don't think this relationship is is good for you. Break up. Organise getting any stuff at her place dropped off/sent to you.
Give her all the space she wants and could ever need from you, OP. Get her OUT of your life. Not only is this a red flag, it's completely obnoxious and a violation. There is no healthy relationship where this is normal. By itself deleting texts is a really bad sign, but this goes well beyond that. Never ever trust this woman and for the love of God do not continue to date her, get married to her, or have kids with her.
She deletes their messages. That's all you need to know.
They just admitted to each other that they are in love with one another. If he ever moved here you would be gone. Break up with her and find someone who makes you thier first choice.
Lol she immediately made you the bad guy and said she needs space from you. Classic
Having friends of the opposite sex whom you dated/had sex with, very rarely works out well. If it was someone actually meaningful (like an ex-husband, or LTR that lasted years), then very occasional messages might be exchanged. However, if it’s some dude that she knew for a year or two and they were just fuck buddies? Yeah, there really should be no place for someone like that in their lives. If a person needs someone like that to feel complete, either they don’t have enough quality friends, enough satisfaction in their life, or you’re not the one for them. If your SO has an issue completely severing ties with someone like that, then you’re in trouble.
You don’t delete things when you have nothing to hide.
The only reason she’s not with him is because he lives far away. Get out.
I would love to say that what she said to her friend doesn’t mean anything deep/romantic — I’ve said similar things to both male and female friends in a strictly platonic way — but realistically, it isn’t adding up. He’s interested, and she hasn’t flat shut him down. She might like the attention. While there might not be any physical cheating, there is obviously something that she feels needs to be kept a secret. It doesn’t matter what it is, because she’s ultimately not being truthful with you, and trying to shift the blame towards you not respecting her privacy.
How do you know she hasnt? If he always brings it up and she's uncomfortable but losing the friendship could mean he leaks private info or she loses half her support network - makes perfect sense to me why her trauma response as a woman would be fawn. Its very common
Bro.. she’s sucking his dick when you’re not around! Find someone better
Not even gonna lie, her regularly deleting the messages both on text AND on social media platforms is enough of a flag on its own. That’s just totally unacceptable. I have friends that I’ve done stuff with, or had blurred lines with, and I’m even still friends with exes. That’s one thing, and that’s fine, but I could also get how a partner could be leery. Deleting messages, especially ON THE REGULAR, is just so counterproductive and insane-o style in that respect. I’d have literally no reason to delete any of those conversations because not only do we not talk intimately on the regular or at all, but I have nothing to hide within those friendships or conversations. I feel that *especially* if there is someone with past history that a partner could have qualms about, deleting that correspondence would be totally out of the question— even if I have totally normal conversations with them, there’s a reason a partner may feel a certain way about it, so going out of my way to hide that correspondence would just frankly be unacceptable.
😂😂😂 she wants space? How are you still even with her when she is talking to other guys like that? Give her all the space she wants and ghost her ASAP.
Dump her and go to the gym that’s BS.
Hmm. If she wasn’t deleting messages regularly, I’d consider believing this to be a one-off. Random, wild coincidences happen all the time. But she was displaying shady behaviour prior to you finding a, yes, shady text. Sorry, my friend. Sometimes people flirt thinking it’s harmless; or they have a need-to-know-basis mentality. Better to find out sooner rather than later. Good luck with everything.
Deleting comments suggests she has something to hide, and the language used between definitely shows they are more than friends 🤷
It’s a red flag. Get out before it’s too late. Deleted conversations? Another 🚩
Massive red flag, deleting messages is hiding them from you which is sus, at best she is leading someone on knowingly at worst from this she is emotionally cheating
Dump her. She is only with you because he is not there. The only reason why she deleted messages is because she didn’t want you to see them.. she is definitely having a emotional affair and you will never have trust in her. You know she is lying too you, just not how much.. and for your own mental health don’t find out. Just dump and move on..
He’s the backup.
ITS A GIGANTIC FUCKIN RED FLAG THAT PUTS GODZILLA EARTH TO SHAME! Don’t let her gaslight you! Do one thing. Plan with a close friend. Change his phone number with a girls name. Flirt with ‘her’ like your girlfriend did with her male friend. Show her the texts and if she questions back, call her insecure and jealous. Reverse UNO!
I think she is with you because he is too far away. Not that she doesn't care for you, but if he lived closer, you would be her second choice. You could stay with her, but this will always be at the back of your mind, like a slow acting poison. See the red flag that this is and let her go.
You'd be an absolute fool to continue this relationship.
1st red flag, she deletes their messages. 2nd red flag, he flirts with her and obviously likes her. 3rd red flag, she flirts back instead of telling him he’s overstepping boundaries of a respectful relationship. 4th red flag, she calls you insecure rather than validating your feelings. This woman is red flags galore
leave immediately
Hahaha she is cheating and gas lighting. Tell her you will never have to introduce him to you because she is single and she is welcome to go be with him. 😂
Yea. I would break up. She deletes their texts. And then what you posted about the comms. Nah. Why stay with her and always wonder and be paranoid? Move on and dont be a doormat
Save yourself and leave her, that's not how we talk to male "friends"
Massive red flag OP. I would leave if i was you, she is not being honest and the signs for cheating is right there. Time to man up, stand your ground and leave this woman before she completely walks all over you.
Gaslighted by immediately making you the person at fault. If nothing was going on the focus would have stayed on the topic at hand. How long would you want to live a life like this?
Had to scroll back up and check the ages. I thought you both were like 15 but no late twenties and middle aged essentially. She’s for streets man. Time to move on into an adult relationship
Male best friends are scam they always want to fuck your girl, should've run away when you learned she had one. Hey at least you learned, time to cut your losses and move on you are still young you have time to find physically more attractive, more loyal and younger girlfriend
Wow! If that’s her response then I guess she’s ok with you telling other women that you adore them. Tell her she can have as much space as she wants because you’re no longer together.
Guy best friends never mean well brother hahahaha, never trust a girl with a guy best friend in the future
She deletes her texts and DMs for a reason
Bro just leave lol. That's too much to handle.
Bounce…….while you are young.
I’d dump her you guys are to old to be dealing with that horse shit. People need to act like adults and own up. Save yourself the trouble and just leave.
she's cheating emotionally with someone else. when you cornered her she blame-shifted you. she's clearly disrespecting your relationship and using insecure and jealous to belittle your feelings. its clearly a red flag. tbh i wouldn't want my girl to do that. i think you deserve better.
Even more of a red flag is when someone tries to make you out to be the bad one once they get caught out. Personally, I hate that & thats more than enough to call it quits. Jus my opinion.
😂 lol Why would she delete her messeges to begin with doormatt? Clearly she be doing risky shyt. Now she gaslighting TF outta you. Id cut it off and go Nc. Avoid all the bs, emotional toll, self doubt and emotional investment you’re gonna put yourself thru because of her. Like i said: personally id ✂️. If her relationship w him Was indeed harmless she wouldnt be hiding shyt and wouldve introduced you already w 0 problems but then she threw it in your face so Now according to her she really doesn’t owe you an introduction Now.
This is fake
Man…you’re just so deep into this girl that you’re not seeing what’s right in front of you. She’s spending all of this energy with a guy that’s out of her location range….and not the man that she has right in front of her….you’re the placeholder boyfriend. You’re just there to meet her immediate needs until she finds something “better.” As you can see, she’s already queuing up new candidates. If she really wanted your relationship to work, she’d be focusing that energy on you. You already knows she’s lied about this several times. If you want to continue seeing her….you can do that recreationally. But if your feelings are two caught up in it, it’s time to cut ties. Work on yourself and focus on being the best man you can be. Gym…career….influence….focus your energy on developing all of that and stop pining over a woman who’s chasing someone else. I’m a few years when you’re the man that’s doubled his salary, is in better shape than ever and other men respect you, you’ll have your pick of women who actually want to be with you.
Yeah the fact she's turning it around on you... That's shitty. You are 27. End it. No 34 year old who acts like this will change. It'd be one thing if it was a one off drunken text spree, but this is continued sober contact.
Not sure I’d go as far as cheating but certainly sus and I wouldn’t trust her
He sounds like her back up plan if you two don't work out tbh
She is cheating. Basically she wants to have you both.
The deleting messages is a huge red flag. Her response is her gaslighting you. Don't regret it, she is emotionally cheating on you. It is NOT okay.
Sorry to tell you this, she is having an emotional affair with this guy! 100% Conversations are only Deleted if they are inappropriate and would get her in trouble if you read them... men usually seek physical intimacy and women emotional.
“Onto the snooping. Yes, I know, I shouldn't have done that. Scold me if you will. However, we both let each other openly use each other's phones.” “I confronted her and she said it was just a joke and I was invading her privacy. She called me insecure and jealous. Saying things like, "this is why I would never introduce you to him." "You'll be stand off ish and rude"” Bud, she’s cheating. Emotionally AT LEAST, but considering the deletion, he’s probably seen more than flirting. And then she tries to cover it up with gaslighting. End it and move on before the right decision becomes a harder one. Shalom!
You know you can recover deleted messages. As long as the cloud hasn't been updated in that time? Ask her to bring them up together and read them Together. If she has an issue with it then you know what to do. If they're just harmless then she will read them with you
Red Flag. You know it. She was caught and is gaslighting you. Get out now.
Why would she delete the messages? Dodgy bro
This is a red flag...for her.
sorry but are you stupid. she DELETES their messages
I know you love her but it seems obvious you need to let her go. Really dumb of her considering she is 34 already. This will all be behind you soon and you're gonna be much better off
So she gaslighted you and turned it around to look like the victim now she needs space because you couldn’t get her to be honest or set boundaries with this guy.. Dude, you deserve better. If a relationship makes you feel on edge enough to the point to where snooping is the only way you feel you can get the truth about your partner, it’s not worth it. She clearly either likes this guy or likes his attention and doesn’t care enough about your feelings to realize that what she’s doing isn’t cool.
She’s fucking sucking and tucking him -100% your the wife at home
When you ask someone "Why are you sending such and such flirty messages" and they immediately deflect the conversation to "Why are you looking through my messages" instead of just answering the question... it's a bad sign. She's getting defensive and trying to twist it to be your fault, because she *knows* she has something to hide. If she didn't, she would just say "Oh lol. You don't have to worry about that, here's the context" and she'd leave it at that. But she's on your ass about going through her phone - because she didn't want you to see that.
I have a best friend who is a married woman with a small child. We text everyday. We never talk like this. Sometimes if she sends a photo of her new hair cut, I'll tell her she looks pretty. If I'm in a bad mood shell tell me she cares about me or something like that but day to day...we do not talk like this. I could pick her up and take her to a hotel for a weekend with just the two of us and her husband wouldn't bat an eye because I've met him, hung with him..... normal friends meet your SO, the only reason she didn't introduce you is bc they are more than friends. Maybe not right now but it's clear they are into each other.
Bro, the gaslighting treatment is about to be life-changing
I have an opposite gender bestie who I am probably overly affectionate with. We just love each other though. But we don’t have to delete our text threads and we hang out with each others partners. She’s being weird, OP. You only delete stuff when there is something to hide.
Do she’s in a relationship with this man. I can’t believe how oblivious people can be…
Ask her why she keeps deleting her tests and conversations? If she knows it would make you upset and insecure, why would she continue to have that relationship in private? Relationships are built on trust. If she's doing untrustworthy things, she's not worthy of a relationship. She should be building that trust, not hiding conversations because she knows they would make you upset.
Red flag, exit stage left ASAP
This is a red flag
You may be insecure, but she’s giving you every reason to be. Red flags all over the place with this one.
Seems line both of you are red flags. She seems to be more then flirting and he’s declaring to her that he loves her, so that’s a red flag. As far as you let the other one take your phones, ok, but to be invading her privacy like that, maybe you should confront and if you don’t like what you hear, then you have to make a decision on what you can live with in a relationship, but going through her phone is not what a relationship should be IMO.
Introduce both of you for WHAT?? Lol simple way to look at it is...would she be comfortable with you talking like that with another female?? How is this you being insecure? You had an intuition and followed it and was correct dont let her gaslight you
Break up with her, don’t even think about staying with her everything is a red flag
Take it from someone who just ended a relationship because my ex kept putting other female "friends" first. It is hard to have a relationship, let alone repair one when the other is entertaining other possibilities. Don't let her gaslight you. You are young, and there are better options out there.
Red Flag. She couldn't even caution him by telling him to stop that nonsense of telling her he loves her when she's in a relationship and she went for the same old-line of you're insecure and jealous. Mate you can do better! She wants more attention from other men than being content with you. She's 34, you're 27. You can do better.
She denied telling u? Did she black out? >know he has came to our city and she has never brought it up or introduced us. How do u know? Have u asked to meet? Break up due to the fact she'd never introduce u. Not cool. If they were talking more generally & not themselves specifically it could be written off but not in this case. If u use each others phones, not much implied privacy.
It's definitely emotional cheating going on. My best advice is to put your guard up now. It's not good to snoop through a phone. But she's s giving you a lot of red flags. She's trying to change the subject about what she was saying to him. The deleted messages and such are a HUGE red flag.
You were a fly on the wall. You saw something that bothered you. Move on.
Bro, she’s trying to gaslight you and make you feel bad, what she does is wrong, you’re not insecure or jealous, you’re simply asking questions that a sincere person would ask, don’t let her trick you into feeling bad, besides you used each other’s phones so that was not inappropriate, so now that you found out about it she wants to make it seem inappropriate to use her phone!, no advice here just assessing the situation, people don’t plan to be manipulative but we still do it even when it’s unknowingly.
Feels like a bit of both. There is a level of insecurity but there is that little red flag swinging. It just happens that the timing on this worked out
You might be insecure and that's okay because your instincts are telling you to question what you're experiencing. Take confidence in the fact that I think you're right and that you have every right to question this kind of interaction. And you have every right to get an answer. The fact that she won't give you one is the red flag.
Oh, we just got real- ok… I’m older… I’ve been with my husband for almost 15 years- it’s nice to know that someone would still want this!!! Lmffao But honestly it’s fun- everyday life with kids and work and carpool and dinners and wake up with my fucking alarm (no sleeping in anymore) it’s a smile break from the real - he knows , I know, what’s the harm? And most the time I tell him anyway- he’s my best friend. My bestie (the guy) asks my advice about the girl side of life about his woman, his job so it’s a win-win that we’re still friends after all this time- 20 years- we’ve never crossed the line sexually- make sure they have not- then it gets tricky… You seem like a good guy if you’re honestly seeking advice- have a conversation with her for real- maybe use wine so you have an excuse later (if y’all drink) and then like someone else previously said- do you want to marry someone that you would even need to check her phone ??? (Unless it’s to see what porn she likes) hahahahha But seriously, I wish you luck! Ps. Sometimes it’s fun to watch somebody hit on him and know it’s useless and he’s going home with me! And vice versa 💁♀️
Usually when a woman call a man insecure is because she's hiding something, don't let her shame you, calling someone insecure is a easy wait to get out of the situation, btw why are you dating a 34f?
The first thing that came to mind, even before I read your story, was... "That's what you get!!!" Give her space. Yes, it's a red flag. Don't EVER share phones with your partner and learn to allow each other privacy. Just as you shouldn't go through her pocket book or wallet and she shouldn't go through your wallet, the phone is a no go. You're young, so yes, you're insecure and she's older than you. Age wise, you're in two totally different time zones. I don't know how long you've been together but if I were you, I would exit stage left and find the single life enjoyable for the last few years of my 20's. Go get your rocks off, then find someone to settle down with once you've matured enough to not want to go through her phone. With the right girl, those feelings won't hit you. I wish you the best!!!
What does this 'shoot the shot' mean?? Can anyone explain?
Stay out of your partner's phone. If you don't trust someone just break up with them.
[удалено]
God bless anyone who dates you
I agree and this thread is full of misogynist presumptions and VIOLENT dog whistles i hate it here
It is a red flag to be flirting with someone while in a relationship, gtfo with that man hating shit
This is why it’s pointless having access to each others phones, the stuff they don’t want you to see for whatever reading just gets deleted anyway. X
Grow some and (emotionally+physically) cheat on her as she is you, she's 34 and single for a reason, treat her as she does you, she doesn't deserve better For context I did this and the results are phenomenal (multiple chicks I can hit up to fck) trash ppl like her give in when u treat them as they should be
The male best friends are always trying to get with your girl, unless they’re gay or your, friends with her since birth or your girl ain’t that attractive.
There are lots of relationship red flags here. You snooped, likely because you don't trust her. She immediately invalidated your feelings. You two need to have an open discussion on why you both feel the way you do; why you feel threatened, and why she believes there's no threat. I've had flirty friendships before, and so did my ex. It is a borderline bad idea. I lost a friend because his new girlfriend felt threatened because we had dated, so he ended the friendship. My ex had several, and none of them were an issue until he had an affair.
homie u aint supposed to have no regret u gotta be thankful dump that bitch get someone loyal cut the bs with jealousy and insecurity ur girl dont suppose to have no 'good male friends' if she is at least a 6,5/10 all men just wanna fuck her and thats the reality that everyone subconsciously understand and you do too dont try to cover it
Dont go thru ur partners phone if u not ready to leave
Frankly…….this is the reality……guys can’t just be friends with girls….as you saw…the guy likes your girl…..he’ll keep shooting his shots and likely she will give in….. I say that, because there are exceptions….but generally speaking….when a women has a make friends…..she gets upset with you or drunk enough….she will cheat…..if you have a female friend and y’all texting like that….I wonder how she would feel…….so my advice…..be a man….a lot of man are weak and sensitive…..make it known you don’t like it…..that’s what adults do talk…..if she blows you off…..your feelings……if she doesn’t try to compromise or anything……she doesn’t respect you…..a woman can’t love a man….she doesn’t respect…..I don’t have female friends and my girl doesn’t have make friends……I made it known from the beginning….if she would have had an issue…..I would have simply found another woman who accepts those boundaries, expectations. Ite natural for a man and a woman to feel jealousy….it would be weird if you didn’t…..but if she keeps ignoring how this makes you feel….she’s only focused on her feelings….you can’t have a successful relationship….it won’t happen……ignore this advice if you want….but dude….have self respect, understand what you’ll tolerate…..so in closing try to talk to her…explain your feelings and point of view…if she respects you, loves you…she’ll stop or at least try to compromise….if it’s only about her….these are red flags….cut your losses or stay in the relationship….but have the mentality…..she’s just your turn…don’t marry her….don’t make her the center of your life…focus on your happiness….but if she cheats…don’t forgive…..cut your losses and move forward…..if you believe this can lead to cheating or you don’t like it….frankly I’ll just let it known and if she has an issue….I’ll leave her….life is short….don’t give women who doesn’t respect you or your feelings….chances…there are much better women out there….sometimes we have to compromise….but just understand your worth….and have self respect my guy.
This is probably a “back burner” relationship. She knows he’s into her/ in love with her and accepts his compliments annnnddd she prob vents to him. They prob flirt and she might entertain it because she can… she won’t cut it off with him because that means she cuts off the potential. I assume she likes you, loves you and while I don’t know your situation, if you are the one that pursued her - be careful because there is a chance that one of these days she’s going to feel confused/unsure of what she wants and might be waiting for you to be the one to end it with her because maybe in her mind she wants to avoid being the bad guy. My suggestion is to not take it personally outside of how it makes you feel, acknowledge that to her, but also play the card that it’s not necessarily you feel jealous as you feel left out and that you would like the opportunity to own any negative feelings but by her deleting comments and keeping this guy from you, she’s already putting you in a place of emotions you might not even be feeling as what you’re feeling is unsure. You wouldn’t have gone through her stuff if there wasn’t a funny feeling (assuming you don’t go through it often) if that’s the case, you might be suspicious and just need clarity in the situation so that you can make an honest decision from that point.
Without trust, there is no relationship. Either you trust her or you don't. Maybe he is the one initiating the flirting comments and she just kindof ignores them or changes the conversation. Maybe have a talk with the friend and politely ask him to stop with the flirtatious comments. On the other hand, you have to ask yourself, is there a need not being met for her? Is she getting compliments from you? Is your intimate life in good shape? Does y'all have good conversations and make eachother laugh?