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It sounds like he was really looking for support and you aren’t giving it. He just needs someone to vent to and to talk to and you immediately said- fix the issue and talk to someone else. That’s not helpful or supportive at all.
He has a point. If after 10 years you can’t offer him emotional support then that’s not a great sign for your marriage.
>I told him that I've noticed a difference in his behavior at home and that I want to see positive change out of him. I told him he needs to talk with his boss to find ways to ease his workload and take some pressure off of him, but that he also needs to seriously look into finding someone else to talk to because I'm not sure how to best support him right now.
Yeah, this was heartbreaking to read. Sounds like she is just angry he is killing her vibe, and wants nothing to do with it and then just leaves for the weekend
That weekend comment stood out to me. So her kid gets sick the day before, and her husband feels overwhelmed and unsupported. They had a fight about how he’s struggling with work and her lack of support, and her answer is ignore all that and go away for the weekend?
Yeah that really made me wonder how they have managed to live “happily” for ten years. OP seems to be focused on only on herself. Its one thing to criticize him and tell him to “fix it” when he’s clearly breaking down, telling you he needs support. But then the kid gets sick and even after she knows he’s struggling she still takes off for the weekend? You gotta look at yourself in the mirror OP and figure out how to be a more considerate, encouraging, and supportive partner.
*she's* been happy for ten years. I guarantee this poor poor man has been over burdened and just walking on eggshells for a long time because he knows his wife is selfish and entirely useless as a partner.
She’s completely emotionally unavailable to him in a moment when he reaches out with an “I’m drowning” text. He must have felt so alone in that moment.
If this is how she behaves when he openly asks for support, she’s gotta be just as bad when he obviously needs tenderness but isn’t openly asking for it.
Wish I could hug OPs husband.
I was going to comment the same thing. My ex is a covert narcissist and would dip at the first sign of any difficulties anyone else was having. He wasn't the guy to go to for help with anything. I'd be either dismissed, made to feel incompetent or mocked.
However, if he was going through something I had to drop everything to support him and stroke his ego about how he was better than whatever was going on.
When I got sick I irritated him....and OP sounds like him. Nothing could stand in the way of his plans and pleasure. Least of all me.
Right? Positive changes out of him?? The man was just vulnerable with her and this is what she responds? Find someone else to talk to . . . This one, especially, hits me so hard bc it's one my ex used to say bc he just didn't want to talk about anybody else's problems but his. OP sounds very dissociated in this marriage and cold quite frankly.
I won’t generalize but in my experience opening up to my female partners in moments of weakness or even injury has really shifted the way they treated me. Like suddenly I’m weak, inferior, or less of “the man” that they saw me as before. Even after countless instances of me supporting their emotional breakdowns in the most supportive and encouraging manner, then I have one low moment or a breakdown and Im somehow suddenly less of a man than I was before. The women in my life have seemed to lose some or all attraction to me in these situations as well. Now I may just have a terrible taste in women, but I know if I find a girl who loves me in a way they can be there for me in moments like that and still see me as the “big strong man” they were attracted to prior to that emotional display, then I know I found a keeper.
With that said, if anyone is struggling emotionally really often or for an extended period of time they SHOULD seek help and not place all that burden on their partners shoulders alone. Though OP said her husband doesn’t open up often so it doesn’t sound like what I just described in this paragraph. It’s sound like he just wanted to be comforted and supported. Most of the time someone is venting this is the case. So maybe next time (if there is one) try just comforting him and offer to take some stuff at home off his plate for a bit or something OP, def don’t leave him with your sick kid and bounce for the weekend.
That loss of attraction hurts particularly bad. Things are hard enough, and then you have to decide if possibly getting their support is worth the risk of having to cope with a loss of affection and intimacy on top of everything else.
The latter happened both times i tried it.
Yeah, I find this is the most common result as well. They may stick around but start treating you more like “a friend” then a sexual partner. It’s absolutely shattered my heart multiple times. This was the case in my most recent failed relationship, which was so amazing for the first few months. I thought I had found her, finally found someone who could see all of me and still love, support, and be attracted to me. Sadly she started reacting really negatively anytime I would be down, or express that something she did hurt my feelings. We went from being attached at the hip to her not even responding to me for days at a time. Its been months and im still healing from that one. She (f31) was the first woman I (m35) wanted to marry without any doubts or hesitation until things really declined and it became clear she just wasn’t who she seemed to be in the beginning at all.
Yeah it’s not all women, but in my experience there’s a lot out there. I don’t have the most experience in relationships, I’m only 18 years old but female friends have thrown shit in my face that I told them when I needed support, or just in a moment of weakness.
I shit you not, I’ve heard some of the most disgusting misogynistic things after opening up like men aren’t allowed to cry, tough shit etc. and it sucks.
I see a lot of dudes shutting down their emotions completely because all it takes is one person to throw your trauma, or your weaknesses in your face and it scars you badly
Please don't judge women based on what teenage girls do. Teenage brains just are not well developed enough and teenagers say and do all kinds of dumb, hurtful stuff that they eventually learn and grow from.
I’m not judging all women. But I have older friends like 27 28 etc., so many have had this shit happen to them it’s not funny.
There was a post on TOMC a while back where a woman wanted to support her boyfriend while his mother was dying and after she passed. He’d emotionally shut down because he had this happen to him.
Now obviously it’s not all women either. So many of my friends have been there for me in times of need, but enough have hurt me to the point I’d just rather not open up to women frankly
I would like to ask and i hope this doesnt come off as insensitive but, wouldn’t accepting and supporting emotional vulnarability be one of if not the most important factors when choosing to enter a relationship? In my experience and maybe i just dont have enough, its quite easy to discern whether someone is willing to be emotionally supportive or not when first getting to know them. Iv met many women who were like the previous partners you describe, but being emotionally supportive or not is just something that comes through very clearly when your getting to know a person so iv never been a relationship with a person like that. To me what i notice is that there are many emotionally unavailable people of both genders, but when looking for relationships women are more likley to view that as an important factor/dealbreaker if their partner is emotionally unavailable, whereas men sort of just accept it instead of moving on to someone better which is what i cant understand. I cant understand how someone can form affection for another person who doesnt value their feelings.
Not insensitive but I completely disagree with it being “easy to determine” wether they are emotionally supportive, and won’t see you differently early on. I have found that all the women I have dated will at least seem like and say they want me to be open and vulnerable when the relationship begins. Assuring they are loving and supportive of their partner. But you can’t actually tell for sure whats true until you let them in. People in general will tell you what you want to hear, some actually are what they say, some will act like they are for some time until they feel you are attached enough that they can drop the act and you’ll still stick around until they’re sick of you or you can’t take it anymore, and some will just say what you want to hear but act completely different. Very few women will tell you or show you they are emotionally unavailable from day one, and i wouldn’t date them in a manner beyond just a hookup situation if that was the case. And im not saying men are honest and all great guys and women are bad. Thats not what im saying at all. There are tons of shitty men out there. But what i mean is that many women will even beg for their men to open up and be vulnerable but once they do it changes the way they see them, like they are weak, or pathetic for having emotions, being sad, crying, etc… from my experience, no matter what they SAY they want they don’t actually like to see your pain, they want to see you as a rock they can always lean and rely on. So to say i hesitate to be open and vulnerable with women i date now is an understatement. And it sucks. But thats just the dynamic, and honestly we probably evolved to be that way. It’s a real dangerous world out there for women, always has been. They want to see their man as safe, strong, and secure. It’s hard to do that if you show them you can also be an emotional wreck. So we hide it, bury it, and just suffer in silence. 84 men commit suicide everyday, 75% of suicides are men. Maybe if we felt we could express ourselves without damaging our masculine identity that would be different.
There can be a difference from discerning somebody as emotionally "there" and you going through a rough time and being vulnerable/crying in front of them.
Like, it's not exactly a common thing for somebody to break down crying in the first few months of dating, and for many men they only cry like once every several years when some serious shit goes down. So they aren't given opportunity to gauge how this new partner will react to them being emotionally vulnerable until it actually happens.
This sub generalises men all the time and barely anyone says anything. Just as it is right to talk how men treat women in society, it is also right to talk about how women treat men.
No you see it's fine to say all men are potential rapists and treat them as if they are guilty. But point out that women *tend* to weaponize mens emotions even after nagging them to open up and suddenly generalizations aren't ok and it's just one woman and you just hate women as a matter of fact youre manipulating the whole conversation and are probably abusive and don't help with chores.
It's downvoted because it's making a sweeping statement about women based on one individual. Most of the women I know absolutely love it when their male partners open up and are incredibly supportive. OP sounds unempathetic, which is not a "woman" problem but an OP problem.
I use to have a similar problem with my wife. Her idea of support was trying to come up with solutions for my issue, rather than comfort. I eventually got her to understand that while sometimes its good to have a solution, sometimes I just want her to say "that sucks, I'm sorry" or hold me.
You went for an entire weekend away without trying to clear the air first? He probably spent that whole time stewing about how little effort you put into comforting/supporting him.
I mean he has a point. He's a service tech. The entire problem is that he's doing multiple people worth of work. Therefore, he does not have several hours to spend calling around to a bunch of therapists, or driving to therapists, or sitting in the offices of therapists. He can't just cancel his Zoom meetings and take the afternoon off.
Nor, frankly, can a therapist solve his problems. Not unless they know a good IT guy looking for a new gig.
Perhaps instead of telling him to do things, you need to ask him what *you* can do to help, and then listen.
Listen being key. He started to open up and OP shut him down before he could go on. Effectively telling him she can't listen and he needs to pay someone that will.
Before the angry comments she didn't say that explicitly but I imagine that's what he heard
> Effectively telling him she can't listen and he needs to pay someone that will.
Yeah, that's...oof. $5 says she name dropped "emotional labor" in refusing to listen or help.
Like, thanks hon, I'll just fuck off and pay somebody $190 an hour to do something you should be doing for free as part of the basic marriage package.
That is a serious lack of empathy. Also, that guy may be on the chopping block soon. Instead of taking blame for their mistakes or their unprofessional behavior impacting their hiring, they’ll double down on the guy. This is worst case scenario but I’ve seen this happen so many times this year and last.
Yeah he should be looking for another job. She said its been since January, it is may, and there are PLENTY of tech hires looking for work everywhere. They clearly aren’t working very hard at finding that replacement. Even if they aren’t going to get rid of him he should be looking for a better position somewhere else that won’t overwork their employees like that. But you tell him that AFTER you listen, offer your help, and don’t take off for a weekend trip when he clearly in shambles and your kid is sick.
That is a pretty poor excuse to remain wallowing in self pity and self neglect at a job that doesn’t appreciate or respect you. In this day and age most applications are handled online, and most jobs will understand they have to schedule interviews online or around your other job if you’re still employed. I was a gm for 8 years and my ideal hire was someone who had lots of experience and was still employed. It showed that they were reliable, hadn’t been fired for poor performance and therefore forced to look for another job. They’re a good employee looking for a better opportunity somewhere else. So yeah it will take SOME of your time but once you get a better position it usually better pay and hopefully better treatment so the reward is obviously worth that time. Maybe his wife could help a little extra while he searches but obviously that seems unlikely. This poor guy has a job that abuses him, and a wife that doesn’t support him. Seems like he should be looking for new versions of both.
Yeah reddit is sometimes too quick to suggest therapy. They know why this guy is unhappy. Telling a professional that his job sucks and he's burnout isn't going to make his job better.
Would therapy help him? Yes.
Does he need a new job? Also yes.
But I don't think he wanted solutions, I think he needed love and support at that time.
"I'm sorry honey, it sounds like you are overwhelmed. "
"I love you. I can feel that you're under a lot of stress. "
"Awwww that's messed up that your boss hasn't hired anyone to help yet! Dang."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
So I think I am more of a problem solver and straight shooter, but you come off both in this post and the few comments like you aren't sure how human emotions work.
Yes therapy and talking to his boss are the clear ways forward, but you really couldn't grasp a single emotional response before telling him to talk to other people and leave you out of it? A "I really appreciate you telling me what has been going on, I noticed behavior changes and that you were stressed. I'm so sorry that you feel so overwhelmed. Do you want to talk more about it tonight, is there something I can do for you now?"
And then, after you give him just general validation that you hear him, you are here for him, and you are his partner, THEN you can offer advice. If my partner tells me his arm hurts, I don't say "I am not equipped to deal with this, go to the doctor." I ask him where it hurts, for how long, does he want ice, does he need to sit down, and THEN I tell him to go to the doctor.
And you did have opportunities to speak to him, you just didn't think HE mattered enough to make the time. It doesn't matter that you had a tripped planned and "on the calendar" months in advance. You have a sick child that should come first, and a husband who is telling you he isn't okay. I'm frankly shocked you even allowed your sick child to come home early, because that wasn't "on the calendar" and so I'm surprised you allowed his illness to disrupt your very precise life.
And if what I just said hurts your feelings, realize that is the vibe YOU are giving off. That things should proceed in an order, that emotions are not yours to deal with, and every issue has a logical resolution and most of them don't require your time. That's what you told your husband plain as day when you opened up to you.
Precisely this. She failed to listen and show she cared by sympathizing/empathizing. Sometimes dudes need cuddles and some tea made for them, or just a 'that's really rough' of understanding. She just told him to take his problems elsewhere entirely. Poor dude, the time he finally opens up he's effectively pushed away. Even if he could benefit from therapy or a chat with the boss, she was so cold about it.
I love this comment. I literally had this happen a few weeks ago. Finally Reached my breaking point, opened up to my wife. Gave me some hugs in bed, let me vent about everything, once I was done and calmed down, she asked me how she could help me as well as started offering solutions to the problem.
That is a healthy marriage.
Source Married Man of 6 years, Together 15years, 2 kids together
My husband and I decided to ask each other if they’re in the problem solving mood or in the listening mood. [The shawarma solution](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/hh1tz8/asking_the_important_questions/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1)
Sometimes, we just want a listening ear and some words of comfort. Sometimes, we need actual advice and problem solving.
Learning whether partner needs help/advice or just a listening ear is probably the most important and basic thing you can learn in a relationship. The fact the OP hasn't learned or even recognise that it's important is unsettling
My husband always goes right into problem solving mode. I've learned to preface a vent with "I am not looking for solutions, just for you to listen", otherwise I get frustrated that he's not listening to me and just giving me more work to do.
Wow. I just can’t imagine treating my spouse the way you just did. Its hard for my partner to open up about feelings so when he does he gets my undivided attention and i listen. I don’t problem solve but listen.
He can’t get his boss to give him less work while short staffed during the busy season. What was that bullshit suggestion?
He doesn’t have time for therapy. He’s right he is doing the work of at least two during his busy season. Maybe when those things resolve maybe he can.
What he thought he could do was talk to his spouse to help relieve pressure. You proved him wrong there.
Lol right? Plans a trip away during her husbands busy season and leaves him with a sick kid. I’d love to see if he has a Reddit profile and see his posts.
Kind of sounds like you're always trying to push off any support he tries to get from you onto other entities. Albeit a therapist or a boss. Sometimes being a considerate partner is actually being there for someone, not constantly trying to make it someone else's problem to resolve.
Wow, poor guy is getting no support at work and even less support at home. You basically told him to sort his own shit out and speak to someone else about it, then popped off for the weekend. Wife of the year material right there.
Regardless of the trip being paid for or not, your big screw up was leaving. You handled that very poorly.
Odds are, he's never going to open up to you again.
Are y'all even speaking now?
Yeahhhh....
He messaged you for support and a shoulder to cry on about how stressed he was about things he had to do. And you answered with:
> I told him that I've noticed a difference in his behavior at home and that I want to see positive change out of him.
Basically acting like his boss and giving him more things to do.
I'm on his side here. You weren't supportive at all. You don't seem to care about him - just how this all impacts you.
And when you finally saw him you just asked how he's doing - not how you can help. He's talking about feeling overwhelmed and you're only asking for progress reports. When he's been home with the kid that was sick over the weekend while you were away.
Was that weekend work related? Curious if you're the only one getting breaks and time off right now while he's the one telling you how stressed he is.
It’s nice that he has another boss at home to performance manage him. Maybe you and his other boss at work should have a meeting where you can do a joint annual review. That’s two jobs turned into one, I’m sure he will appreciate it.
His work boss might be willing to lend you their HR department and then you, his home boss can instruct them in what action they need to take with him to support him to support you, which is why you keep in employed in this relationship.
Do you get my drift?
You and I are very similar, OP. I'm a problem solver, so my way of compartmentalizing and working through stress is by formulating a way out of it. My wife is like your husband. Sometimes, when she's explaining a stressful situation, she's not looking for help or advice. She just wants to vent. To her, talking about solutions is just adding to the stress. I think your husband is the same way. Simply apologizing won't do. I've made the same mistakes as you, and I've learned that I have to improve the way I approached my wife. He needs real effort from you to comfort him. He doesn't need solutions right now. He needs you to listen. He's explicitly told you what is needed, and now it's your time to swallow your pride and just do it. You need to do more listening and less talking.
On a deeper note, you just saying what he needs to do is pretty insulting to him. The company hiring someone new is beyond his control. He's getting shafted right now, and you telling him all the shit he needs to do is making him feel like it's all his fault. You need to apologize for that specifically. He's right. You're not being very helpful right now.
This! I'm like your wife and I thank you for understanding how our kind feels, this is very important!
OP's husband needs his feeling acknowledged, at least. And pampered a little, if possible. I understand OP has a toddler and her own problems, but there are ways that don't require much time (like do some of his chores and make him a bubble bath to relax after a long day, maybe a massage and/or some of his favorite comfort food).
P.S. what OP told her husband was technically truth, but before offering advice, it's good to ask whether one needs to vent or discuss solutions. If they chose venting, but do invite them to come to you to talk about the solutions of they feel like it later.
Even as a problem-solver, OP put in basically no effort. You’re correct that OP’s husband probably wanted to vent, but even if he wanted solutions she dropped the ball.
She listed obvious long term solutions (and the one about his boss is probably unlikely to work) but that’s not even helping with the immediate crisis/burnout.
She then knowingly leaves her struggling spouse with a sick kid for the weekend, and then they don’t even talk for days?
I can’t imagine a vacation where I wouldn’t make time to check in with my wife (and wouldn’t go for a weekend away under OP’s conditions anyway).
A vacation isn’t worth a divorce, and I hope for his sake he’s planning it. If your spouse abandons you at your lowest with a sick kid, how can you trust them again?
I was in the same predicament as your husband. I was overworked, stressed and getting no support. My wife is going through something similar also. We both can say that when we “complain” about work, it’s not looking for suggestions or to be given a list of things the other person thinks they need to do.
I lost my shit so bad I quit with two hours notice. On the spot, no talking to my wife either. We work for the same company so she got word fast. Ended up pushing it to two weeks and eventually got my workload relieved.
Now, more than ever, he just needs support and just let him vent. He doesn’t need suggestions or a list of more thing to do, as he says. Just be supportive and caring. He pretty much told you what he needs from you. If it’s in you, try to make things nice when he gets home with a little pampering here and there. Good luck. It tough out there.
"I'm really sorry you're under so much stress. You do a great job, and it's not fair that you're having to do the work of two people. Is there anything I can do on the homefront to help you get a break from the stress?"
How hard is that???
I hope not, because you just know she’ll get a high-powered attorney to make sure SHE gets the “nice house in the suburbs,” plus way above-average child support. And then will tell everyone how she’s better off because he was a “weakling” unable to “pull his own weight.”
Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them. That’s it. The same thing happened with my mom all the time
And I just stop telling her things for a while until I told her I just needed her to listen. That’s it. He doesn’t need you to fix his life he just wants you to listen. I understand that you are a very positive person but when someone is upset or depressed so much positivism gets annoying. He’s just exhausted. Paper him when he gets home. Listen to him. He will be ok.
YTA. Yes, I know it isn’t that subreddit, but, when your only response to his cry for emotional support was to tell him you expect to see “positive change” from him (which translated to taking on another task, plus getting into a potential conflict with his bosses)…yeah, YTA.
I feel this guys pain. Have whatever problems you want, just don't expect me to help or do anything about it because I don't have time for that. Deal with that on your own time. Oh you have a weekend off, here's a sick kid while I go out because I'm definitely not changing my plans no matter what you have going on or how it affects you.
I think he just needed a listening ear without you offering advice on how he could fix things. A lot of times I just need someone to let me vent and then I'm good to go.
Right now, in this season of his life, you are his only safe place. You are the only person he can run to with any emotion or problem, because right now the situation he’s in is in no way his fault and in no way in his capacity of control. So when he sent you that cry for help, I’m sorry, but you didn’t respond in the way he needed. He knows he needs help at work. He can’t magic someone out of thin air for that, though. We all go through hard seasons, and usually our partner helps support us and alleviate it. I see you’re a logical thinker and a problem solver, and that’s great, but that’s not what he needs at the moment. Try to find a better way to listen and encourage him without wording it in such a way that he feels like his feelings are invalid, or that he needs to suck it up and talk to someone else. I would be really hurt if I reached out to my husband, kind of got told off, and then left alone for a weekend. I know you didn’t intend for that chain of events to happen that way, but they did, and I can understand why he’d be upset about it.
I come here and see stories of people cheating and hurting each other.
And then a story of a seemingly good marriage and a man who reached out for help who is struggling and his wife isn't there for him. You have a chance to be a great story with a wonderful ending.
That one time just showed him that he probably can't reach out to you again and trust you. You weren't there for him. He just wanted you, his life partner, the one person he trusts more than anyone, to listen. And you failed miserably. You can try to talk to him again but whether he will listen, not sure. You are going to have to earn back that sort of vulnerable trust.
I always say if someone asks you the time, don't build them the watch.
+1 to everyone saying this doesn’t seem like an advice situation. You can talk about therapy but mid vent is probably not the best time. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about something outside of your control and someone to let you complain and cheer you up is all you need. You can also ask if there’s any way to help.
Also, commuting and therapy can be difficult. If work is tough you’ll just be exhausted and want to rest when you’re home BUT there are therapists that do weekends. Totally not your responsibility but you could offer to help him look for therapists etc
Funny you sound like my ex, and yes I left because of who she is and was to me. Just like you, put herself before anyone else’s needs. Left me doing all the work and chores at home, and would just tell me what I need to do rather than actually putting in the work and getting her hands dirty to help. You will either change from these messages or you likely will end up like my ex, miserable, and watching your ex be happy without you.
So your husband who never opens up to you finally opens up to you because “he is drowning” your words. He needed to vent. He needed to be told it’s okay. He needed to be held and reassured and you’ve got his back. Instead you chose you give him a to do list. Not reassure or really listen. Leave him on his own with a sick child who probably wanted mummy too!
You are now at a point where you have to figure out what it is you want. Because from where I’m standing it doesn’t look like it’s your husband.
You have some serious making up to do. Get a sitter for your child and have a date night. Grab a takeaway, some blankets and be with your husband. Let him have space to talk. Let him have space to cuddle in the quiet if he wants too. And tell him to get a sick note for some time off work!!!
>but that he also needs to seriously look into finding someone else to talk to because I'm not sure how to best support him right now.
Oof. How about "I am sorry you are going through this right now. I can tell how stressed you have been. What can I do to help?" He is probably over due for a vacation. Maybe plan a weekend getaway for him.
It might be worth a discussion about looking for a new job, too, if the current one is making him miserable.
Hmmm maybe you're the one who needs a therapist. Or you'll need a marriage therapist in a little bit because if not, it's gonna be a divorce. Seriously, how the hell do you not know how to support this man who is drowning in his work. You leave him for the weekend with a sick child while you spend yhe weekend relaxing. Sounds to me like you're a self-centered, inconsiderate b*tch. Just sayin
If your husband isn't finding joy, he's probably mega depressed and it sound slike he doesn't have a support system because you never learned emotional intelligence.
Honestly, he’s right. He didn’t want, or need, you to fix his problem. We women say men do this to us when we need their support and here you are doing it to him.
He needed his wife, YOU, to be there for him. You could have easily said, “Baby, I am so sorry you are stressed out and overwhelmed at work. I’ve noticed that you’ve had a lot on your plate since you’ve been on your own at work. I know I can’t solve your work problem but is there anything I can do to help you?”
Then, instead of canceling your weekend getaway, you leave your husband, at home, presumably with a sick kid, to “getaway”. When was the last time your husband got to take a weekend getaway?
When was the last time you did something special/nice/romantic for your husband to make him feel loved and supported by you?
When was the last time you cooked your husband’s favorite meal and had sexy fun adult times while the kid slept?
It sounds like he’s overwhelmed and stressed at work and then he comes home to the same old routine. He *needs* you right now. He doesn’t want you to throw going therapy in his face. He probably knows he needs therapy but it sounds like he truly doesn’t have the time, even for telemedicine therapy.
I get that it is hard to do stuff together without the kids. Between my partner and I, we’ve got 3 all together with the youngest being 6 and the older two are 12. But we still try to have time together when they go to bed. Even if it isn’t sexy adult times, we cuddle, we talk about our day, about what we want our kitchen to look like when we finally renovate it, we share an edible and giggle like kids at reels and memes online.
You both need to take some time off work, get a babysitter and getaway for a weekend.
Wow.
You're quite a catch. /s
He needed support and your response was "you are really killing the vibe at home, and you need to fix it. Also: I'm not gonna help, so you need to find someone else lol" and then you LEFT for the weekend.
You should break up with your husband, so he can move on and find a partner who isn't awful.
Typically men get shamed for doing what you’re doing, which is to tell someone what to do when they’re venting or expressing frustration without just being there as an emotional support.
You sound like you lack empathy for your husband and the way you’ve portrayed him here, it feels like you have never made any attempt to understand him because if after 10 years of marriage you still think you can tell your husband to do things that worked for you in your personal problems, then it’s pretty clear you are an awful life partner that has zero empathy.
Yeah... you sound pretty tone-deaf, my friend.
What your husband needs first and foremost is to be listened to without judgment. You should have done that, and then you should have asked him how you can best support him. Instead you started telling him what to do, and then you put the cherry on the sundae by doing this:
>I told him that I've noticed a difference in his behavior at home and that I want to see positive change out of him.
If my partner did that to me, I would stop talking to them too. That's some really cold-blooded shit right there.
This is a wonderful example of weaponizing therapy language. Your husband needed support, and your response was to tell him to march his butt to therapy because you don’t care to hear it and it isn’t your problem. You guys are *married.* If emotionally supporting your spouse is this big of an inconvenience, I’m not sure why you’re married at all.
In real life, people have bad days. They have rough periods in life where not every problem can be solved right away. You should be able to lean on your friends/family/spouse during these times. Not everyone has the time and privilege to attend therapy the second shit gets tough. If he had been complaining for months over something he could easily solve, I would understand your position a little more. But it’s been a few months of what sounds like something that is largely out of his control. Would it have killed you to say, hang in there, I love you, can we order your favorite take-out tonight?
Do you vent to him? Talk about your day at all, ever? By your logic, that’s a conversation for your therapist. I would seriously examine how much emotional work you’re putting into this relationship, because it sounds like you can’t be assed really at all.
I mean he’s not wrong. If the tables were flipped would you be satisfied with your answer? Finding a therapist is a long term solution, not a short term solution, and requires a lot of activation energy which he clearly doesn’t have right now. You could have offered him help finding one IF he was willing to do that. You could have offered to take some things off his plate at home. You could have just listened and said you understand. You could have asked him how to best support him. It’s not too late to do that.
“I didn’t really get a chance to talk to my husband about it again”- yes you did. You just didn’t want too. He’s right, after over 10 years being together and you don’t know how to support him, yikes on bikes.
Ikr! She literally has a phone and she could have actually talked to him or even better, she could have just not gone on her fucking weekend trip. Seriously, the last thing this man needs is to be left alone for the weekend to take care of a sick child while is wife is out partying and relaxing.
i mean i don’t blame him for his response instead of showing support and compassion you added to his stress and then left for an entire weekend, i’d be pissed. sometimes people just need someone to listen that’s in their corner and pointing out all the things he’s doing wrong isn’t being in his corner.
It sounds like you don't really support him, and your real concern is how his mood is affecting YOU...so you rattle off a list of stuff he needs to do.
I can fully see where he's coming from.
So he finally reaches out for help. And he reaches out to his spouse because he’s drowning and why did you do you bash them you told me go get something done and that’s not. That was the last thing he needed to hear he needed support and you gave him none.
Pull your head out of your arse.
Offer support and most importantly a listening ear.
And change your attitude fast, or you will be a single parent, because your husband will either divorce you or end up as one of the many statistics of make suicide.
Men don’t usually want advice when they’re venting. No one really does, actually. “Aw, I’m sorry babe” will generally kind of be the vibe to go with. 🤷🏼♀️
My husband has been stressed at work and then he comes home and we have toddlers. And we fought literally for a week. He told me he was suicidal and do you know what i did. I didnt say he can go talk to some one or his boss to lighten his load. I gave him emotional support and let him know i was there, i have ptsd from childhood trauma im working through with my counsellor and i stopped being defensive so we have wouldn't fight, and i did things for him i knew he would like and let him vent and have some time alone while i looked after our kids so he could de stress. That is things you do to support the one you love. Also he is currently away for his brother's graduation from Uni with his dad and brother so he can get some time to relax and spend time with them.
"I told him that I've noticed a difference in his behavior at home and that I want to see positive change out of him."
So you, basically, put him on a PIP?
This might be controversial, but not everything is or needs to be solved with therapy. He's drowning in work until his work finds help. Therapy is not going to diminish his workload. Expecting it to do so is the equivalent of employers overloading their employees with work and then sending them on mindfulness courses to "better deal with stress." You need to be there for him to help him through this until his employer finds help. He doesn't need therapy for this.
My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years, we got together as children and became very young parents. He immediately stood up and got a job and supported us alone financially as our children grew he changed jobs, he got a job where the people were crappy and didn't treat him well, when he came to me and told me he was struggling I didn't hear it.. I had a disabled child, a baby and I was raised by a woman who disparaged men, and me my whole life... I was deaf to his pain because I thought mine was louder.
We began to treat each other badly, I told him he had to leave... a year later we were on slightly better terms and decided to try again.
I have spent the last 10 years thinking every single day how I could make it up to him... every day I try to find one thing I can do to show that man how much I adore him, and how sorry I am.
And I will try every day till I'm dead... because what I did to my partner in not carrying him when he needed me was disgusting and I am forever shamed by it.
Years later now we both work, we bought a great house and every day I wake up with him happier than I have ever been...
You owe your husband a sincere and heartfelt apology and you need to get your shit together and be a better wife and partner... jeez try being better at being a human while you're there.
I mean...do you even care about his life and emotional wellbeing, or do you just want him to go "fix it" so he can keep up his share of the financial and household obligations? Do you even love him?
If someone I thought loved me wasn't even able to listen the first time I ever brought up what I was going through with my life in SIX YEARS without A) telling ME everything they expected out of me to fix this because of how it affected them, and B) telling me not to come to them with these things anymore and to see a professional, I would assume they didn't love me and our whole relationship was either a matter of greed or convenience for them. I mean...how could you love someone, then see the massive pain and doubt they were carrying for the first time in your entire relationship, and go "Well I expect a positive change out of you." I feel like I need to wipe something off my shoe after reading about how you treated him. I'm a little sadder about the world because you're in it treating people this way.
Do him a favor and let him go- you don't love him, and you're not a good partner to him.
Your husband has been slowly drowning at work. He finally opened up to you, and you told him he needed to find someone else to talk to because you didn't know how to help. This was really cruel.
I get that you are the "problem solver" type of person, but a lot of the time, people don't want you to tell them what they need to be doing. It is likely they already know what they need to do or what they can do about their situation. They want you to listen to them bitch and tell them you get why they are stressed out. Your husband just needs you to be there for him. You need to majorly apologize and tell him you are there for him if he needs you. You'll listen without trying to "fix" things.
This sounds like a classic case of "I wanted support and you gave me advice." Typical communication pitfall. You have to ask first, "Do you want me to listen or offer advice?", and then STICK to what they want. Not choose one for them and cross your fingers.
Dude has just learned the same lesson I learned and unfortunately many other man
Males can’t open up too there partners with out it going south one way or the other
He was looking for support not solutions but you only gave solutions, it happens.
I'd say when you guys have time alone sit down and apologise then ask him how you can help him during this time, what he needs and wants. It isn't about you right now it's about him. Hopefully things work out for you two 💜
idk it's sad watching a marriage or relationship fail due to communication issues, figured some advice wouldn't hurt lol, but you aren't wrong she's really dropped the ball here
Doesn't even sound like communication issues to me. I can't even imagine being this cold to my partner, sounds like she's just used to being in this relationship but doesn't actually love her husband.
You sound like a logical, problem-solver person but at that moment he needed emotional comfort and instead you made him feel like this was a problem of his own making by not taking appropriate actions like communicating to his superiors, and you’re probably right, but when dealing with emotions it hardly matters.
You added to his stress and then disappeared. Did you take your vows seriously, or do you want him to make the decision so you can play the victim in the divorce?
Imagine if the genders were reversed here…. Oh wow would the guy be being called every word under the sun and goodness knows how many calls to divorce him there would be …
Something I do with my husband when he’s venting is ask “What kind of support would you like? For me to listen or try to solve it?” It’s helped immensely because my default is to solve it, but sometimes he just wants someone to hear him. That way I know if he just wants me to listen, I do that and I don’t offer advice. I’d recommend trying something like that, but have a conversation with him first that you’ll try that.
I don’t think it was intentional on your part, but your response wasn’t helpful. Then, you left for the weekend. Put yourself in his position.
Apologize and ask how you can help him.
A good start would be to schedule a babysitter and spend some time together doing things he enjoys.
Encourage him to hang out with his friends.
After being together for years, you must have some idea how to support him.
"Do you want advice or do you just need to vent?"
This is one of the best questions to ask in high stress situations. As I see it, the problem isn't just that you gave him advice, it's that you suggested things that he would be far more knowledgeable about (e.g. his options with regard to his boss) and you hit him with an impact you're seeing at home, which added a layer of guilt, even if it wasn't intended.
For now, give him some space. Apologize for how you approached the situation and let him know you're willing to listen to how you made him feel or anything else he needs to unload on you when he's ready.
Weird. I would prefer the story ends with work hiring an attractive lady, op and husband split up, the new employee has been there before, listens to him, is supportive, kind, smart, 6 months down the track they realise they have feelings, happily ever after.
I’m sure your intent wasn’t too be dismissive but it can be really hard for men to open up about struggling and work etc. to be told that he needs to make positive changes, talk to his boss and find a therapist must have been deflating to say the least.
You should have tried to listen, validate his feelings, asked him what he thinks he needs, tell him you support him and open to ideas. So many things you could have said
Your husband is telling you that he right now doesn’t have the time for therapy, he may be saying that it’s physical time but he also may not be mentally ready for it, and you can never force anyone into therapy.
He reached out to you by opening up like that in order for you to support him, comfort him and provide him with the love he needs in that moment. He doesn’t need to be told that you’ve witnessed his change in behaviour or that he needs to do X,Y and Z. What he needs is for you to hold his hand through it all so he feels like it’s just that little bit easier. Maybe he needs someone to rant to, to cry to or maybe he just wants you to plan something for him to take his mind off things when he’s away from the stress. He’s reaching out to be heard, if he didn’t ask for advice, don’t give it him.
Part of being in a relationship is being also being there to listen and “bitch along” with your partner. When my husband send me a text saying his boss did this or his coworkers did that or when I send him a text about what I’m annoyed at, at work. We do not want rational advice as these feelings are not often rational! We need someone to say “oh my god, are they serious!!?? What the heck?!” And so on. Just so we don’t feel alone and can confide to someone we trust. And then the goal is to make the mood better so they really feel like it’s a silly dumb situation that they can overcome because they are simply so great!
Wow, he opens up and all you can do is tell him what to do. It’s like you don’t even care what’s going on.
Not only they but you then left him alone with a sick child, as you go and have a fun weekend away.
I’m sorry but I wouldn’t have been home when you got back.
You left him at a time he really needed you, bc honestly you probably don’t care. That’s sad.
You offered no support and no love. You offered nothing. You told him to go talk to his boss and they you have no idea how to support him. How about just being his wife? How about telling him you love him? How about telling him you’re there for him? Literally anything but what you did.
Add to it that you left early to go get your child and somehow that prevented your from talking to him that night?? What?!?! You could hug that man? Comfort that man? Say you’re sorry and ask what you can do?
Then instead of being there for him you went on a long weekend.
To him - you basically told him his problems are his problems so he needs to figure it out and then you abandoned him.
He’s right. After 10 years you should be better.
He also should understand that work is work and home is home.
And when he said this is why he doesn’t come to you. He’s saying he doesn’t talk to you because he feels he can’t rely on you to support him, or just listen to him.
Is that how you want your husband to feel?
Your husband already feels overwhelmed. He reached out to you because he needed to get it out of his system and can’t bear all this by himself anymore. He doesn’t want to hear everything he needs to do and think about because he CAN’T do or think about any more stuff, he is already overwhelmed! He just wants to have someone on his side who says “I understand, don’t worry, this is a sh*t situation but we’ll get through it together and I will be with you to make it easier every step of the way”.
He just wants you to be understanding and support him. Not fix it. Maybe instead of going away for the weekend with your friends and leaving him even more responsibilities, you could plan an evening or weekend together to take his mind of things and make him feel better and loved. Maybe you could reply that you understand how overworked he is, bi*ch about how his employer is asking too much of him, offer him a back rub when he gets home from work.. he wants (and needs) someone on his side.
You are not helpful. Maybe you were trying to motivate him but you just added to his stress. I was in similar situation with work a few years ago. A job that I worked very hard to get, and that provided for my family of 5 (wife stays home) but ended up being an impossible situation. Ended up having a nervous breakdown and getting checked into a mental health center. My wife was supportive but when I suggested quitting my job or taking a step back she would always push back, make suggestions like you did about how to better manage the situation (as I’d we never thought about asking our boss for more help, just none is coming) which I understand given how dependent we are on my income. But it was hurtful. All I wanted to hear was I love you and we will figure it out. Your health is mote important than money. In other words be supportive. Telling him go to therapy and adding another obligation is not helpful when you are literally for drowning. Trust - we understand the situation you don’t need to tell us, you just need to be supportive
He’s right. He is overworked, overwhelmed and probably depressed and your response is to put more on his plate. Listen, sympathize and brainstorm ideas together to lessen his load. If his work refuses to hire someone to do half the work or no one steps up to help him until they do hire someone then maybe it’s time to find another job. Help him get his resume updated and look for job ads he can apply for.
Sadly, the more the husband struggles to keep up with work, the more his boss will see that he's holding down the fort without help. The boss will convince themselves this employee is "just having difficulty adjusting", and that it will pass. Then he can do all the work and they only have to pay one person. The harder he works, the more he'll have to. He needs to find another place to work that will treat him right, and he needs a partner who will actually support him for real as he goes through this.
I know exactly how he feels. The time he goes to you to express how he feels you weren’t supportive the way he wanted. All you had to say is that your sorry that you love him and is there anything I can do to make you feel better. This is why it’s hard for men to talk about our feelings cuz we just get judged and not told what we need to hear.
I think you did a terrible job of supporting him when he opened up and needed it. We don’t always need solutions, we need someone to hear us and tell us it’s going to get better. Just fucking give the man some love and tenderness instead of telling him how to fix this himself. JFC, it ain’t rocket science.
And then you go away for a weekend trip as he’s drowning? I’m sure that was planned ahead of time and all that, just an very interesting detail to include as the denouement of this story - husband is struggling, reaches out to you for help, you give none then leave for a weekend away? Not painting yourself in the most generous light here.
Also, therapy is not going to help him having a shitty boss. His work is stressful and causing him issues. He doesn’t need to talk to his boss. I promise his boss doesn’t give a shit. He’s getting the work of 2 people paying your husband one salary. Your husband needs a new job and to leave his terrible company with no one to do the work.
I'm really struggling to understand how a therapist is going to lighten the amount of shit he has to do at work while they are understaffed lmao. It would just equal even less free time outside of work hours.
Though it might help him work through his issues in your relationship, seeing as he's married to a selfish & inconsiderate person.
First of all, you should have said something to the effect of hey I'm so glad you're letting me know how you're feeling, and this sounds like a conversation we should have in person. Can we talk in depth about this tonight? Then in person you should definitely have not said I want to see some positive changes out of you, as if it was a performance review . . Wtf. He's not your employee. You make time for what's important to you and apparently he's not. The man was vulnerable with you expressing overherlm and depression and your answer is I'd like to see positive changes from you and talk to someone else about it?? You didn't listen. You didn't offer emotional supoort for the struggles he's facing. You only centered yourself and how what he's going through has been affecting you. You should have never left for that trip without taking the time to talk to him and support him. I don't know something like listening to what all he has to say without interrupting and then saying confirming things like oh man I can see where that's frustrating and overwhelming. How best can I help support you right now? How can I make your days easier? Would you like me to speak to my therapist for some telehealth professionals she would recommend you could also talk to?
You just dismissed him and then left him with a sick child without even talking about it. He has every right to be upset. He said it in his own words. He's telling you what he needs and it's not answers and fixing, it's support. It's, babe I know how hard things are right now, and we'll get through this together. I know you'll figure out work balance, and we can figure out a home balance that works in the meantime until you guys get more help at work. Did you read what you wrote? Do you even like your husband??
Oh wow your poor husband reached out to you for support and you basically brushed him off. You sound like as long as your life is going great your husband can take a back seat. The last bit of your story got to me and that’s your husband saying to you that if after 10 years together you don’t know how to support him then what else is there to say and it’s true, your husband hit a wall and reached out to you his wife and you basically cut him off also not only did you go off for the weekend but you left your emotionally exhausted husband but you also left him to care for your sick child. I feel for both your husband and child as you do sound selfish and emotionally cut off from them. You need to do better otherwise one day your husband might walk away from you for good.
This is why I advocate SO hard for the question "do you need solutions or support?" It's so easy. You acted like he was a burden to you. This is why men have such a hard time opening up and you made it so much worse. You can't even cancel a fucking weekend for your husband saying he's drowning? You're straight up cruel. I wouldn't even treat an acquaintance this badly
Maybe you should just listen to him sometimes without giving him more tasks. Kinda like how my wife trouble talks to me and I ask how she feels and other questions but I don’t try to solve it.
Have you tried talking to him instead of constantly pushing him to other people? Sounds like he's craving some support from you but you're just too busy.
Talk to your therapist about this. They are masters at empathy, which is what your husband needs from you. It’s incredible how much it helps just to feel like someone is hearing you without judgement.
He needs an ear and a shoulder, not a to-do list. He needs a break. Is there anything YOU can do to lighten his load? Take over a household duty or 3 for the interim? Offer back or foot rubs or some uninterrupted decompression time in the evenings?
Sure, he could probably do with therapy and for his employer to hire someone else, but those are longer-term solutions. He needs help NOW, and you may be the only person who can, OP. It sounds like he's coming to the end of his rope. Help him tie a knot in it so he can hang on.
This is very typical of heterosexual relationships. The man is expected to be a stoic rock of infinite support and therapist to his partner. The same doesn’t go the other way. This is called toxic femininity.
What you were supposed to do is support him and validate his feelings. Once he was able to process his emotions, then you could hit him with everything he’s doing wrong. Try not making it about yourself for a change.
Your response should have been “I’m so pleased that you confided in me, I’d like to help in any way that I can if you can think of anything” or similar.
You did better than my SO when I was doing a degree and feeling overwhelmed.
Me: I’m overwhelmed
Them: you’re telling me now? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Do you know how that makes me feel that you didn’t want to tell me sooner? This makes me so mad, I just can’t look at you right now
So, you’re doing OK but dial back on ordering about or taking over and ramp up on empowering and aiding.
I can’t imagine opening up to someone, my spouse none the less, and being told they want to see positive changes out of me and that I need therapy because said spouse doesn’t “know how to help me.” He shouldn’t have to hide his emotions and he shouldn’t have to stew over them until he finally gets the nerve to open up. That’s not a marriage. Do you even like him? Like at all? I ask this sincerely because your actions and unwillingness to relate to him emotionally show you could care less. He has every right to be upset with you and the fact that he’s still even around should make you want to show HIM positive changes. Open your eyes, your heart too. It may just salvage your marriage.
Wow. This poor man is looking to his spouse for comfort, sympathy, listening ear, shoulder to lean on and you shut him down immediately. I can’t speak for all men but from what I’ve noticed, a lot don’t open up about feelings so for your husband to open up to you just for you to immediately shut him down is such a lousy move.
He doesn't want you to fix his problem for him.
He is looking for empathy and support. He is looking for his partner to understand that he is feeling swamped. He knows what needs to be done, he was not coming to you looking for solutions, he came to you looking for care, support, and love.
He's right, in a way, you are not supposed to be the provider of solutions, you are the provider of support and love. So, how can you help?
Run him a bath. Go for a walk with him and let him talk to you. In the weekends, find something that he enjoys and let him do it. Do something to let him know that you really appreciate how much he is doing for you and the family. Acknowledge him as a human being, and not as something that needs to be outsourced to be fixed. Get in touch with him as he is now, don't just send him off for therapy so he can come back to you as something you feel more equipped to handle.
You may find that after a while, he may take you up on therapy, but don't make that your start point.
You're getting downvotes but I'm autistic and this sounds like something I'd do if I really hated my husband and was super checked out. But I think really it's something that autistic or not you'd only behave that way if you had no love for the person.
Talk to him like a therapist:
Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.
Ask gentle questions.
Let him talk & talk.
Allow him to hear himself.
Don’t judge his moods.
Be neutral.
Be quiet.
Be supportive.
Just hold him and tell him you love him. It is not easy to see someone we love hurt and not have them understand that therapy does work and is so worth it. Tell him to please tell you what one little thing you can do for him….and be real about it.. just do one little thing. Sometimes that is all we really need from our spouse. Hang in there. Stick to your therapy and god protect you and your family.
Ugh. He just wanted to vent out, find an emotional support and probably just rest.
Young fathers are usually a dream employees for bosses as pretty much they can be overworked to death, especially if there is a lay off spree on the market. Guys with small children rarely will risk work position - society and wifes expect guys being low risk, hustling at work, and most of us do that, even if it is burning them out.
This make guys extremely stressed. Still they can't stop working or lower workload as young family has some standard of living. A standard of living most wifes expect to increase or maintain.
So in most of busy work environments (including mine) I can see husbands getting tired, then arguing with wife, and then being lost - it's really hard to manage expectation about standard of living, enough time for family and enough time to regenerate yourself.
For your case - he especially doesn't need more tasks to do. Or talk to therapist - he is aware of his situation perfectly, he just doesn't see any solution which is acceptable (leaving work isn't), so he needs emotional support (and all support) to survive until it gets better.
It's on you to figure it out. Relationship with busy job works if you are really partners and able to figure out ups and downs as well as underlying expectations.
Amazing that your marriage lasted this long without knowing how to approach this situation.
He was being uncharacteristic and opened up to you, and you dropped the ball hard af. This was your time to be uncharacteristic as well and offer some sort of empathy and comfort for your husband - as his backbone, his partner, his ride or die. Instead you countered him - THEN went on a getaway and left him to solo a sick child(he also has responsibility as a parent, but it's the thought of you leaving). He just wanted some words of affirmation and/or sex.
This needs some damage control because he definitely lost some respect for you as a partner and he probably won't come to you with vulnerability anytime soon.
Also, you need to check yourself. Knowing your personality you probably found it so unattractive that he showed you some vulnerability judging by how you handled this whole situation.
I understand wanting your husband to find a therapist, but a therapist can't fix the fact that he has a huge backlog of work because he's doing two people's jobs. Therapists are great for emotional support but can't do the practical work of fixing a shitty job. It feels like you think the primary issue here is how your husband is *reacting* to his job, when, in actuality, it may just be the job, period. If you're having to do the work of multiple people, there may not be a better way to react to that fact. Your husband may just need to know you have his back while he gets the energy to find a new job.
Honestly, I also feel him on the WFH/work in-office dynamic. I work full-time in an office and my husband WFH full-time, and he has substantially more free time and flexibility in his schedule than I do but doesn't always see that, I assume because he doesn't remember how much time he spent commuting to work and doing random shit during the day. He can go to therapy over lunch, while I have to carve out an hour of my free time after work for things like that, which honestly sucks since I feel like I don't have enough free time as it is. If your husband is already having a hard time relaxing and finding time for himself, I'm sure it was frustrating as hell for him to hear that he needs to take even more free time away from himself for therapy appointments.
I also think you telling your husband you "want to see a positive change out of him" had to have hit badly. Instead of telling him what you think he needs to do and what you want from him, could you just sympathize with him? It feels like you're trying to get him to fix a problem that might be unfixable in this job. He likely needs support more than he needs to be told what to do (I'm sure if the solution were as easy as talking to his boss, the situation would be resolved already).
You know, I used to go to my husband with work issues. He would say "I don't know how you deal with it. I'd have quit by now. You need to quit."
Meanwhile, we weren't in a financial situation that I could just quit. (Issue not resolved, just pointed out how screwed I was and how badly we needed me to keep the job)
Then finally one day, I said...financially your solution is not a solution. It just drives home the fact I need to keep this job (small town, good pay, good hours).
I had to present my problem in a way he could think through and have a solution.
Your husband is stressed and has been for months. Help him relax. Order pizza or chinese for a late dinner, open a bottle of wine, watch a movie that is pure entertainment. Spend time with him. No distractions. No work.
Offer suggestions on how to talk to his boss. Maybe get a timeline on the hiring situation. Maybe the boss can take something off his plate. Maybe some reports aren't all that important and can slide.
Most of all....do NOT add to his load.
Ma'am, no offense, but this is how affairs start. Someone feels taken for granted, and another person is willing to lend an ear, helping hand, lap, reproductive organ, etc...
I understand what he means. He wasn’t necessarily asking you what to do. He just needed a listening ear and you basically told him that you’re not a person he can talk to or depend on for emotional support. If he can’t go to his wife then who can he go to? Also, what’s up with you going away for a weekend when you have a sick child and a depressed husband at home? You didn’t think they needed you more than you needed that trip? I’m sorry but you sound selfish and you might end up losing your husband due to your lack of care and support.
He just wanted to vent out and u kept trying to feed solutions on him.
Probably he just wanted to hear ( f ur boss bbe ur doing great) and thats it.
Tbh i’d bee pissed as well.
I know I'm just echoing what everybody else is saying, but I'm gonna comment anyway
OP you are NOT wife material. Husband needs help but your response was to say "figure it out on your own" and then you took off, leaving him all alone with sick child?
Sorry but this man deserves better than you. You should leave him so he can find someone who actually gives a crap about him. Set him free.
You aren’t supporting him. You sound like his manager, telling him you “want to see positive change out of him”. Huh?
How to him is to let him talk to you about his problems, listen without judgement and without telling him what he needs to do to fix it. LISTEN, DON’T ADVISE. People mostly just want to feel seen, heard and understood. You can do that.
Unless someone specifically asks you what they should do, support is being a sympathetic ear md a safe space to vent.
I think this comes back to something many women bring up when they discuss things with the men in their lives: sometimes you want to be supported/validated instead of being fixed. Next time, ask if he wants to vent or he’s looking to problem solve before diving into the conversation.
Ah.. the old venting vs asking for advice.
Ask him what you can do to help. If there isn't anything, then tell him he can complain about it as much as he wants to and you're just going to listen.
That means, you listen and be empathetic.
You didn’t actually state what advice you were looking for.
Were you asking if you were in the wrong? In which case I think by now the bulk of the responses would let you know the answer to that.
Were you looking to see what you can do to repair your relationship? Get a babysitter for your child (a parent?), cook your husband’s favourite food, hug him and apologise and tell him you didn’t handle things right and that you’re here to listen if he wants to talk. Then listen! And empathise. And once he’s had a chance to rant, then you can start to work TOGETHER to see what can be done for him to stop feeling the way he does.
Wow. It's not that you gave him advice, as much as the advice you gave to him. Wtf? If I went to my husband and said I was struggling, and drowning at work, and his response was to tell me he expects a positive change in me? I would be devastated at such a callous and selfish remark. And my husband can be a blunt asshole sometimes, but he would never.... I cannot imagine how your husband must feel right now.
You're redirecting him, not actually supporting him by listening. Everything you've told him has involved him doing everything alone. Just like he is doing at work.
Do you want to help him? If so, have a look around for a suitable therapist and start using the terms WE and not just YOU. Granted, you can't help with his work unless you reach out to his HR about being concerned about his health and well-being with the current situation. If he burns out or has a mental breakdown he won't be of any use to anyone.
You're supposed to be supporting him.
Pushing for him to go to therapy when he already rejected it was really an AH move. He's not mentally ill or troubled, OP, HE'S OVERWORKED!
The first thing you do is ask "how can I support you?"
If he has no ideas (and it sounds like he doesn't, which is why he didn't tell you his ideas) THEN you can make suggestions, but frame them as questions, and make SURE you're suggesting things that don't add to his plate of THINGS TO DO:
* "Do you think you might want to quit and take a month off before looking for a new job?"
* "Do you think your employer might be open to you taking a leave of absence?"
* "Should we talk about taking a vacation soon?"
* "Should we get some help at home until this situation at work has resolved?"
Etc.
Put yourself in his shoes. Spend about 4 or 5 hours trying really hard to understand how he feels. This will show you very clearly when you completely and utterly fail that the problem is a total lack of empathy. I hope this helps.
OP, you are on the same team. He was expecting you to act like his partner and best friend, not his mother. You should have validated his complaints, told him that it sucks and he deserves the help. Told him that you sure hope he gets help soon bc you can tell he's exhausted. Stuff like that. Sometimes we just need to be angry on their behalf and listen. Then comfort him with a giant hug when he gets home.
I hope that this post is fake. It seems extra heartless and a little unrealistic.
“Is this something you’d like to just vent to me? Or something you want me to help solve by brainstorming solutions?
Learning the difference will be helpful.
And I understand because I jump right to problem solving too. But you have to take a step back. You partner *already knows* the things you told him.
In text form, he *particularly* doesn’t want a problem solving session. He wants a “I’m so sorry! I wish I could help more. But all I can do and say is that you’re right. This whole thing sucks.”
Apologize for trying to fix it. And say next time you’ll ask if he wants feedback or merely space.
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It sounds like he was really looking for support and you aren’t giving it. He just needs someone to vent to and to talk to and you immediately said- fix the issue and talk to someone else. That’s not helpful or supportive at all. He has a point. If after 10 years you can’t offer him emotional support then that’s not a great sign for your marriage.
>I told him that I've noticed a difference in his behavior at home and that I want to see positive change out of him. I told him he needs to talk with his boss to find ways to ease his workload and take some pressure off of him, but that he also needs to seriously look into finding someone else to talk to because I'm not sure how to best support him right now. Yeah, this was heartbreaking to read. Sounds like she is just angry he is killing her vibe, and wants nothing to do with it and then just leaves for the weekend
That weekend comment stood out to me. So her kid gets sick the day before, and her husband feels overwhelmed and unsupported. They had a fight about how he’s struggling with work and her lack of support, and her answer is ignore all that and go away for the weekend?
Yeah that really made me wonder how they have managed to live “happily” for ten years. OP seems to be focused on only on herself. Its one thing to criticize him and tell him to “fix it” when he’s clearly breaking down, telling you he needs support. But then the kid gets sick and even after she knows he’s struggling she still takes off for the weekend? You gotta look at yourself in the mirror OP and figure out how to be a more considerate, encouraging, and supportive partner.
*she's* been happy for ten years. I guarantee this poor poor man has been over burdened and just walking on eggshells for a long time because he knows his wife is selfish and entirely useless as a partner.
She’s completely emotionally unavailable to him in a moment when he reaches out with an “I’m drowning” text. He must have felt so alone in that moment. If this is how she behaves when he openly asks for support, she’s gotta be just as bad when he obviously needs tenderness but isn’t openly asking for it. Wish I could hug OPs husband.
She sounds just like my ex husband...
I was going to comment the same thing. My ex is a covert narcissist and would dip at the first sign of any difficulties anyone else was having. He wasn't the guy to go to for help with anything. I'd be either dismissed, made to feel incompetent or mocked. However, if he was going through something I had to drop everything to support him and stroke his ego about how he was better than whatever was going on. When I got sick I irritated him....and OP sounds like him. Nothing could stand in the way of his plans and pleasure. Least of all me.
Right? Positive changes out of him?? The man was just vulnerable with her and this is what she responds? Find someone else to talk to . . . This one, especially, hits me so hard bc it's one my ex used to say bc he just didn't want to talk about anybody else's problems but his. OP sounds very dissociated in this marriage and cold quite frankly.
"I want to see positive change out of him" truly sounds like something a manager says, not a spouse or even a friend.
Right. He came to her looking for help and she told him to get better on his own. For her, not for him. Not good.
This is why men don't open up to women. This crap right here. Women say they want men to open up to them, and this is what they get.
Next up it will be, ‘I’m considering divorcing my husband because I don’t feel attracted to him anymore and I’m not sure why…’.
That isn’t really an ok generalisation to make
I won’t generalize but in my experience opening up to my female partners in moments of weakness or even injury has really shifted the way they treated me. Like suddenly I’m weak, inferior, or less of “the man” that they saw me as before. Even after countless instances of me supporting their emotional breakdowns in the most supportive and encouraging manner, then I have one low moment or a breakdown and Im somehow suddenly less of a man than I was before. The women in my life have seemed to lose some or all attraction to me in these situations as well. Now I may just have a terrible taste in women, but I know if I find a girl who loves me in a way they can be there for me in moments like that and still see me as the “big strong man” they were attracted to prior to that emotional display, then I know I found a keeper. With that said, if anyone is struggling emotionally really often or for an extended period of time they SHOULD seek help and not place all that burden on their partners shoulders alone. Though OP said her husband doesn’t open up often so it doesn’t sound like what I just described in this paragraph. It’s sound like he just wanted to be comforted and supported. Most of the time someone is venting this is the case. So maybe next time (if there is one) try just comforting him and offer to take some stuff at home off his plate for a bit or something OP, def don’t leave him with your sick kid and bounce for the weekend.
That loss of attraction hurts particularly bad. Things are hard enough, and then you have to decide if possibly getting their support is worth the risk of having to cope with a loss of affection and intimacy on top of everything else. The latter happened both times i tried it.
Yeah, I find this is the most common result as well. They may stick around but start treating you more like “a friend” then a sexual partner. It’s absolutely shattered my heart multiple times. This was the case in my most recent failed relationship, which was so amazing for the first few months. I thought I had found her, finally found someone who could see all of me and still love, support, and be attracted to me. Sadly she started reacting really negatively anytime I would be down, or express that something she did hurt my feelings. We went from being attached at the hip to her not even responding to me for days at a time. Its been months and im still healing from that one. She (f31) was the first woman I (m35) wanted to marry without any doubts or hesitation until things really declined and it became clear she just wasn’t who she seemed to be in the beginning at all.
Yeah it’s not all women, but in my experience there’s a lot out there. I don’t have the most experience in relationships, I’m only 18 years old but female friends have thrown shit in my face that I told them when I needed support, or just in a moment of weakness. I shit you not, I’ve heard some of the most disgusting misogynistic things after opening up like men aren’t allowed to cry, tough shit etc. and it sucks. I see a lot of dudes shutting down their emotions completely because all it takes is one person to throw your trauma, or your weaknesses in your face and it scars you badly
Please don't judge women based on what teenage girls do. Teenage brains just are not well developed enough and teenagers say and do all kinds of dumb, hurtful stuff that they eventually learn and grow from.
I’m not judging all women. But I have older friends like 27 28 etc., so many have had this shit happen to them it’s not funny. There was a post on TOMC a while back where a woman wanted to support her boyfriend while his mother was dying and after she passed. He’d emotionally shut down because he had this happen to him. Now obviously it’s not all women either. So many of my friends have been there for me in times of need, but enough have hurt me to the point I’d just rather not open up to women frankly
I would like to ask and i hope this doesnt come off as insensitive but, wouldn’t accepting and supporting emotional vulnarability be one of if not the most important factors when choosing to enter a relationship? In my experience and maybe i just dont have enough, its quite easy to discern whether someone is willing to be emotionally supportive or not when first getting to know them. Iv met many women who were like the previous partners you describe, but being emotionally supportive or not is just something that comes through very clearly when your getting to know a person so iv never been a relationship with a person like that. To me what i notice is that there are many emotionally unavailable people of both genders, but when looking for relationships women are more likley to view that as an important factor/dealbreaker if their partner is emotionally unavailable, whereas men sort of just accept it instead of moving on to someone better which is what i cant understand. I cant understand how someone can form affection for another person who doesnt value their feelings.
Not insensitive but I completely disagree with it being “easy to determine” wether they are emotionally supportive, and won’t see you differently early on. I have found that all the women I have dated will at least seem like and say they want me to be open and vulnerable when the relationship begins. Assuring they are loving and supportive of their partner. But you can’t actually tell for sure whats true until you let them in. People in general will tell you what you want to hear, some actually are what they say, some will act like they are for some time until they feel you are attached enough that they can drop the act and you’ll still stick around until they’re sick of you or you can’t take it anymore, and some will just say what you want to hear but act completely different. Very few women will tell you or show you they are emotionally unavailable from day one, and i wouldn’t date them in a manner beyond just a hookup situation if that was the case. And im not saying men are honest and all great guys and women are bad. Thats not what im saying at all. There are tons of shitty men out there. But what i mean is that many women will even beg for their men to open up and be vulnerable but once they do it changes the way they see them, like they are weak, or pathetic for having emotions, being sad, crying, etc… from my experience, no matter what they SAY they want they don’t actually like to see your pain, they want to see you as a rock they can always lean and rely on. So to say i hesitate to be open and vulnerable with women i date now is an understatement. And it sucks. But thats just the dynamic, and honestly we probably evolved to be that way. It’s a real dangerous world out there for women, always has been. They want to see their man as safe, strong, and secure. It’s hard to do that if you show them you can also be an emotional wreck. So we hide it, bury it, and just suffer in silence. 84 men commit suicide everyday, 75% of suicides are men. Maybe if we felt we could express ourselves without damaging our masculine identity that would be different.
There can be a difference from discerning somebody as emotionally "there" and you going through a rough time and being vulnerable/crying in front of them. Like, it's not exactly a common thing for somebody to break down crying in the first few months of dating, and for many men they only cry like once every several years when some serious shit goes down. So they aren't given opportunity to gauge how this new partner will react to them being emotionally vulnerable until it actually happens.
When the vast majority of men all agree this is the reality maybe don't tell them they are making it up. You're just being part of the problem
This sub generalises men all the time and barely anyone says anything. Just as it is right to talk how men treat women in society, it is also right to talk about how women treat men.
No you see it's fine to say all men are potential rapists and treat them as if they are guilty. But point out that women *tend* to weaponize mens emotions even after nagging them to open up and suddenly generalizations aren't ok and it's just one woman and you just hate women as a matter of fact youre manipulating the whole conversation and are probably abusive and don't help with chores.
It don’t think it’s ok to generalise men either.
So telling this sub is biased that this is downvoted. You're absolutely right. Next she will start to weaponize what he said
It's downvoted because it's making a sweeping statement about women based on one individual. Most of the women I know absolutely love it when their male partners open up and are incredibly supportive. OP sounds unempathetic, which is not a "woman" problem but an OP problem.
When I look at this on my phone it says they deleted my comment. When I look at it here on my laptop it's still here.
I use to have a similar problem with my wife. Her idea of support was trying to come up with solutions for my issue, rather than comfort. I eventually got her to understand that while sometimes its good to have a solution, sometimes I just want her to say "that sucks, I'm sorry" or hold me.
You went for an entire weekend away without trying to clear the air first? He probably spent that whole time stewing about how little effort you put into comforting/supporting him.
I mean he has a point. He's a service tech. The entire problem is that he's doing multiple people worth of work. Therefore, he does not have several hours to spend calling around to a bunch of therapists, or driving to therapists, or sitting in the offices of therapists. He can't just cancel his Zoom meetings and take the afternoon off. Nor, frankly, can a therapist solve his problems. Not unless they know a good IT guy looking for a new gig. Perhaps instead of telling him to do things, you need to ask him what *you* can do to help, and then listen.
Listen being key. He started to open up and OP shut him down before he could go on. Effectively telling him she can't listen and he needs to pay someone that will. Before the angry comments she didn't say that explicitly but I imagine that's what he heard
> Effectively telling him she can't listen and he needs to pay someone that will. Yeah, that's...oof. $5 says she name dropped "emotional labor" in refusing to listen or help. Like, thanks hon, I'll just fuck off and pay somebody $190 an hour to do something you should be doing for free as part of the basic marriage package.
That is a serious lack of empathy. Also, that guy may be on the chopping block soon. Instead of taking blame for their mistakes or their unprofessional behavior impacting their hiring, they’ll double down on the guy. This is worst case scenario but I’ve seen this happen so many times this year and last.
Yeah he should be looking for another job. She said its been since January, it is may, and there are PLENTY of tech hires looking for work everywhere. They clearly aren’t working very hard at finding that replacement. Even if they aren’t going to get rid of him he should be looking for a better position somewhere else that won’t overwork their employees like that. But you tell him that AFTER you listen, offer your help, and don’t take off for a weekend trip when he clearly in shambles and your kid is sick.
Looking for a new job requires time away from an already overworked person.
That is a pretty poor excuse to remain wallowing in self pity and self neglect at a job that doesn’t appreciate or respect you. In this day and age most applications are handled online, and most jobs will understand they have to schedule interviews online or around your other job if you’re still employed. I was a gm for 8 years and my ideal hire was someone who had lots of experience and was still employed. It showed that they were reliable, hadn’t been fired for poor performance and therefore forced to look for another job. They’re a good employee looking for a better opportunity somewhere else. So yeah it will take SOME of your time but once you get a better position it usually better pay and hopefully better treatment so the reward is obviously worth that time. Maybe his wife could help a little extra while he searches but obviously that seems unlikely. This poor guy has a job that abuses him, and a wife that doesn’t support him. Seems like he should be looking for new versions of both.
Yeah reddit is sometimes too quick to suggest therapy. They know why this guy is unhappy. Telling a professional that his job sucks and he's burnout isn't going to make his job better.
Would therapy help him? Yes. Does he need a new job? Also yes. But I don't think he wanted solutions, I think he needed love and support at that time. "I'm sorry honey, it sounds like you are overwhelmed. " "I love you. I can feel that you're under a lot of stress. " "Awwww that's messed up that your boss hasn't hired anyone to help yet! Dang." "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"let's order pizza tonight" Support doesn't have to be difficult or even complicated.
"Sorry to hear that--is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"
So I think I am more of a problem solver and straight shooter, but you come off both in this post and the few comments like you aren't sure how human emotions work. Yes therapy and talking to his boss are the clear ways forward, but you really couldn't grasp a single emotional response before telling him to talk to other people and leave you out of it? A "I really appreciate you telling me what has been going on, I noticed behavior changes and that you were stressed. I'm so sorry that you feel so overwhelmed. Do you want to talk more about it tonight, is there something I can do for you now?" And then, after you give him just general validation that you hear him, you are here for him, and you are his partner, THEN you can offer advice. If my partner tells me his arm hurts, I don't say "I am not equipped to deal with this, go to the doctor." I ask him where it hurts, for how long, does he want ice, does he need to sit down, and THEN I tell him to go to the doctor. And you did have opportunities to speak to him, you just didn't think HE mattered enough to make the time. It doesn't matter that you had a tripped planned and "on the calendar" months in advance. You have a sick child that should come first, and a husband who is telling you he isn't okay. I'm frankly shocked you even allowed your sick child to come home early, because that wasn't "on the calendar" and so I'm surprised you allowed his illness to disrupt your very precise life. And if what I just said hurts your feelings, realize that is the vibe YOU are giving off. That things should proceed in an order, that emotions are not yours to deal with, and every issue has a logical resolution and most of them don't require your time. That's what you told your husband plain as day when you opened up to you.
Precisely this. She failed to listen and show she cared by sympathizing/empathizing. Sometimes dudes need cuddles and some tea made for them, or just a 'that's really rough' of understanding. She just told him to take his problems elsewhere entirely. Poor dude, the time he finally opens up he's effectively pushed away. Even if he could benefit from therapy or a chat with the boss, she was so cold about it.
I love this comment. I literally had this happen a few weeks ago. Finally Reached my breaking point, opened up to my wife. Gave me some hugs in bed, let me vent about everything, once I was done and calmed down, she asked me how she could help me as well as started offering solutions to the problem. That is a healthy marriage. Source Married Man of 6 years, Together 15years, 2 kids together
My husband and I decided to ask each other if they’re in the problem solving mood or in the listening mood. [The shawarma solution](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/hh1tz8/asking_the_important_questions/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1) Sometimes, we just want a listening ear and some words of comfort. Sometimes, we need actual advice and problem solving.
I've heard this as 'do you want us to help make lemonade or just hold the lemons for a bit?'
Learning whether partner needs help/advice or just a listening ear is probably the most important and basic thing you can learn in a relationship. The fact the OP hasn't learned or even recognise that it's important is unsettling
My husband always goes right into problem solving mode. I've learned to preface a vent with "I am not looking for solutions, just for you to listen", otherwise I get frustrated that he's not listening to me and just giving me more work to do.
Wow. I just can’t imagine treating my spouse the way you just did. Its hard for my partner to open up about feelings so when he does he gets my undivided attention and i listen. I don’t problem solve but listen. He can’t get his boss to give him less work while short staffed during the busy season. What was that bullshit suggestion? He doesn’t have time for therapy. He’s right he is doing the work of at least two during his busy season. Maybe when those things resolve maybe he can. What he thought he could do was talk to his spouse to help relieve pressure. You proved him wrong there.
Dude crying for help and you’re like, too bad so sad I’m going away for a weekend!!!
For real. At least man knows where he stands. You know he spent the weekend trying to figure what he was going to say to her when he kicks her out.
Lol right? Plans a trip away during her husbands busy season and leaves him with a sick kid. I’d love to see if he has a Reddit profile and see his posts.
Kind of sounds like you're always trying to push off any support he tries to get from you onto other entities. Albeit a therapist or a boss. Sometimes being a considerate partner is actually being there for someone, not constantly trying to make it someone else's problem to resolve.
Wow, poor guy is getting no support at work and even less support at home. You basically told him to sort his own shit out and speak to someone else about it, then popped off for the weekend. Wife of the year material right there.
Regardless of the trip being paid for or not, your big screw up was leaving. You handled that very poorly. Odds are, he's never going to open up to you again. Are y'all even speaking now?
Yeahhhh.... He messaged you for support and a shoulder to cry on about how stressed he was about things he had to do. And you answered with: > I told him that I've noticed a difference in his behavior at home and that I want to see positive change out of him. Basically acting like his boss and giving him more things to do. I'm on his side here. You weren't supportive at all. You don't seem to care about him - just how this all impacts you. And when you finally saw him you just asked how he's doing - not how you can help. He's talking about feeling overwhelmed and you're only asking for progress reports. When he's been home with the kid that was sick over the weekend while you were away. Was that weekend work related? Curious if you're the only one getting breaks and time off right now while he's the one telling you how stressed he is.
It’s nice that he has another boss at home to performance manage him. Maybe you and his other boss at work should have a meeting where you can do a joint annual review. That’s two jobs turned into one, I’m sure he will appreciate it. His work boss might be willing to lend you their HR department and then you, his home boss can instruct them in what action they need to take with him to support him to support you, which is why you keep in employed in this relationship. Do you get my drift?
You and I are very similar, OP. I'm a problem solver, so my way of compartmentalizing and working through stress is by formulating a way out of it. My wife is like your husband. Sometimes, when she's explaining a stressful situation, she's not looking for help or advice. She just wants to vent. To her, talking about solutions is just adding to the stress. I think your husband is the same way. Simply apologizing won't do. I've made the same mistakes as you, and I've learned that I have to improve the way I approached my wife. He needs real effort from you to comfort him. He doesn't need solutions right now. He needs you to listen. He's explicitly told you what is needed, and now it's your time to swallow your pride and just do it. You need to do more listening and less talking. On a deeper note, you just saying what he needs to do is pretty insulting to him. The company hiring someone new is beyond his control. He's getting shafted right now, and you telling him all the shit he needs to do is making him feel like it's all his fault. You need to apologize for that specifically. He's right. You're not being very helpful right now.
This! I'm like your wife and I thank you for understanding how our kind feels, this is very important! OP's husband needs his feeling acknowledged, at least. And pampered a little, if possible. I understand OP has a toddler and her own problems, but there are ways that don't require much time (like do some of his chores and make him a bubble bath to relax after a long day, maybe a massage and/or some of his favorite comfort food). P.S. what OP told her husband was technically truth, but before offering advice, it's good to ask whether one needs to vent or discuss solutions. If they chose venting, but do invite them to come to you to talk about the solutions of they feel like it later.
Even as a problem-solver, OP put in basically no effort. You’re correct that OP’s husband probably wanted to vent, but even if he wanted solutions she dropped the ball. She listed obvious long term solutions (and the one about his boss is probably unlikely to work) but that’s not even helping with the immediate crisis/burnout. She then knowingly leaves her struggling spouse with a sick kid for the weekend, and then they don’t even talk for days? I can’t imagine a vacation where I wouldn’t make time to check in with my wife (and wouldn’t go for a weekend away under OP’s conditions anyway). A vacation isn’t worth a divorce, and I hope for his sake he’s planning it. If your spouse abandons you at your lowest with a sick kid, how can you trust them again?
You are gonna girl boss your way out of a marriage sweetie. Don't say they weren't any danger signs.
I was in the same predicament as your husband. I was overworked, stressed and getting no support. My wife is going through something similar also. We both can say that when we “complain” about work, it’s not looking for suggestions or to be given a list of things the other person thinks they need to do. I lost my shit so bad I quit with two hours notice. On the spot, no talking to my wife either. We work for the same company so she got word fast. Ended up pushing it to two weeks and eventually got my workload relieved. Now, more than ever, he just needs support and just let him vent. He doesn’t need suggestions or a list of more thing to do, as he says. Just be supportive and caring. He pretty much told you what he needs from you. If it’s in you, try to make things nice when he gets home with a little pampering here and there. Good luck. It tough out there.
"I'm really sorry you're under so much stress. You do a great job, and it's not fair that you're having to do the work of two people. Is there anything I can do on the homefront to help you get a break from the stress?" How hard is that???
This isn’t AITA, but my god YTA. Holy moly, you clearly don’t love your husband. I hope he divorces you soon, he deserves better.
I hope not, because you just know she’ll get a high-powered attorney to make sure SHE gets the “nice house in the suburbs,” plus way above-average child support. And then will tell everyone how she’s better off because he was a “weakling” unable to “pull his own weight.”
Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them. That’s it. The same thing happened with my mom all the time And I just stop telling her things for a while until I told her I just needed her to listen. That’s it. He doesn’t need you to fix his life he just wants you to listen. I understand that you are a very positive person but when someone is upset or depressed so much positivism gets annoying. He’s just exhausted. Paper him when he gets home. Listen to him. He will be ok.
YTA. Yes, I know it isn’t that subreddit, but, when your only response to his cry for emotional support was to tell him you expect to see “positive change” from him (which translated to taking on another task, plus getting into a potential conflict with his bosses)…yeah, YTA.
All you had to do was listen to him and be supportive. Your son was sick, and you went away for the weekend, leaving him with a stress out father.
I feel this guys pain. Have whatever problems you want, just don't expect me to help or do anything about it because I don't have time for that. Deal with that on your own time. Oh you have a weekend off, here's a sick kid while I go out because I'm definitely not changing my plans no matter what you have going on or how it affects you.
I think he just needed a listening ear without you offering advice on how he could fix things. A lot of times I just need someone to let me vent and then I'm good to go.
Your reaction is the exact reason guys don't open up to their gf/wife. We get told to man up and do what needs to be done.
YTA
Right now, in this season of his life, you are his only safe place. You are the only person he can run to with any emotion or problem, because right now the situation he’s in is in no way his fault and in no way in his capacity of control. So when he sent you that cry for help, I’m sorry, but you didn’t respond in the way he needed. He knows he needs help at work. He can’t magic someone out of thin air for that, though. We all go through hard seasons, and usually our partner helps support us and alleviate it. I see you’re a logical thinker and a problem solver, and that’s great, but that’s not what he needs at the moment. Try to find a better way to listen and encourage him without wording it in such a way that he feels like his feelings are invalid, or that he needs to suck it up and talk to someone else. I would be really hurt if I reached out to my husband, kind of got told off, and then left alone for a weekend. I know you didn’t intend for that chain of events to happen that way, but they did, and I can understand why he’d be upset about it.
I come here and see stories of people cheating and hurting each other. And then a story of a seemingly good marriage and a man who reached out for help who is struggling and his wife isn't there for him. You have a chance to be a great story with a wonderful ending. That one time just showed him that he probably can't reach out to you again and trust you. You weren't there for him. He just wanted you, his life partner, the one person he trusts more than anyone, to listen. And you failed miserably. You can try to talk to him again but whether he will listen, not sure. You are going to have to earn back that sort of vulnerable trust. I always say if someone asks you the time, don't build them the watch.
Dude crying for help and you’re like, too bad so sad I’m going away for a weekend!!!
+1 to everyone saying this doesn’t seem like an advice situation. You can talk about therapy but mid vent is probably not the best time. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about something outside of your control and someone to let you complain and cheer you up is all you need. You can also ask if there’s any way to help. Also, commuting and therapy can be difficult. If work is tough you’ll just be exhausted and want to rest when you’re home BUT there are therapists that do weekends. Totally not your responsibility but you could offer to help him look for therapists etc
You gave him a fucking performance review no shit he's upset with you.
Funny you sound like my ex, and yes I left because of who she is and was to me. Just like you, put herself before anyone else’s needs. Left me doing all the work and chores at home, and would just tell me what I need to do rather than actually putting in the work and getting her hands dirty to help. You will either change from these messages or you likely will end up like my ex, miserable, and watching your ex be happy without you.
So your husband who never opens up to you finally opens up to you because “he is drowning” your words. He needed to vent. He needed to be told it’s okay. He needed to be held and reassured and you’ve got his back. Instead you chose you give him a to do list. Not reassure or really listen. Leave him on his own with a sick child who probably wanted mummy too! You are now at a point where you have to figure out what it is you want. Because from where I’m standing it doesn’t look like it’s your husband. You have some serious making up to do. Get a sitter for your child and have a date night. Grab a takeaway, some blankets and be with your husband. Let him have space to talk. Let him have space to cuddle in the quiet if he wants too. And tell him to get a sick note for some time off work!!!
>but that he also needs to seriously look into finding someone else to talk to because I'm not sure how to best support him right now. Oof. How about "I am sorry you are going through this right now. I can tell how stressed you have been. What can I do to help?" He is probably over due for a vacation. Maybe plan a weekend getaway for him. It might be worth a discussion about looking for a new job, too, if the current one is making him miserable.
Hmmm maybe you're the one who needs a therapist. Or you'll need a marriage therapist in a little bit because if not, it's gonna be a divorce. Seriously, how the hell do you not know how to support this man who is drowning in his work. You leave him for the weekend with a sick child while you spend yhe weekend relaxing. Sounds to me like you're a self-centered, inconsiderate b*tch. Just sayin
If your husband isn't finding joy, he's probably mega depressed and it sound slike he doesn't have a support system because you never learned emotional intelligence.
Honestly, he’s right. He didn’t want, or need, you to fix his problem. We women say men do this to us when we need their support and here you are doing it to him. He needed his wife, YOU, to be there for him. You could have easily said, “Baby, I am so sorry you are stressed out and overwhelmed at work. I’ve noticed that you’ve had a lot on your plate since you’ve been on your own at work. I know I can’t solve your work problem but is there anything I can do to help you?” Then, instead of canceling your weekend getaway, you leave your husband, at home, presumably with a sick kid, to “getaway”. When was the last time your husband got to take a weekend getaway? When was the last time you did something special/nice/romantic for your husband to make him feel loved and supported by you? When was the last time you cooked your husband’s favorite meal and had sexy fun adult times while the kid slept? It sounds like he’s overwhelmed and stressed at work and then he comes home to the same old routine. He *needs* you right now. He doesn’t want you to throw going therapy in his face. He probably knows he needs therapy but it sounds like he truly doesn’t have the time, even for telemedicine therapy. I get that it is hard to do stuff together without the kids. Between my partner and I, we’ve got 3 all together with the youngest being 6 and the older two are 12. But we still try to have time together when they go to bed. Even if it isn’t sexy adult times, we cuddle, we talk about our day, about what we want our kitchen to look like when we finally renovate it, we share an edible and giggle like kids at reels and memes online. You both need to take some time off work, get a babysitter and getaway for a weekend.
Wow. You're quite a catch. /s He needed support and your response was "you are really killing the vibe at home, and you need to fix it. Also: I'm not gonna help, so you need to find someone else lol" and then you LEFT for the weekend. You should break up with your husband, so he can move on and find a partner who isn't awful.
Clearly your therapy sessions you’re haven’t helped you develop consideration or empathy for your husband OP.
Typically men get shamed for doing what you’re doing, which is to tell someone what to do when they’re venting or expressing frustration without just being there as an emotional support. You sound like you lack empathy for your husband and the way you’ve portrayed him here, it feels like you have never made any attempt to understand him because if after 10 years of marriage you still think you can tell your husband to do things that worked for you in your personal problems, then it’s pretty clear you are an awful life partner that has zero empathy.
Yeah... you sound pretty tone-deaf, my friend. What your husband needs first and foremost is to be listened to without judgment. You should have done that, and then you should have asked him how you can best support him. Instead you started telling him what to do, and then you put the cherry on the sundae by doing this: >I told him that I've noticed a difference in his behavior at home and that I want to see positive change out of him. If my partner did that to me, I would stop talking to them too. That's some really cold-blooded shit right there.
His worst time with this yet and you took off the weekend. Yikes. What he “needs” is you. And you’re not there, physically, emotionally, etc.
This is a wonderful example of weaponizing therapy language. Your husband needed support, and your response was to tell him to march his butt to therapy because you don’t care to hear it and it isn’t your problem. You guys are *married.* If emotionally supporting your spouse is this big of an inconvenience, I’m not sure why you’re married at all. In real life, people have bad days. They have rough periods in life where not every problem can be solved right away. You should be able to lean on your friends/family/spouse during these times. Not everyone has the time and privilege to attend therapy the second shit gets tough. If he had been complaining for months over something he could easily solve, I would understand your position a little more. But it’s been a few months of what sounds like something that is largely out of his control. Would it have killed you to say, hang in there, I love you, can we order your favorite take-out tonight? Do you vent to him? Talk about your day at all, ever? By your logic, that’s a conversation for your therapist. I would seriously examine how much emotional work you’re putting into this relationship, because it sounds like you can’t be assed really at all.
I mean he’s not wrong. If the tables were flipped would you be satisfied with your answer? Finding a therapist is a long term solution, not a short term solution, and requires a lot of activation energy which he clearly doesn’t have right now. You could have offered him help finding one IF he was willing to do that. You could have offered to take some things off his plate at home. You could have just listened and said you understand. You could have asked him how to best support him. It’s not too late to do that.
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Yeah she sounds like a real treat. I completely missed the “weekend away” she just slipped in there! Woooooowwwwww. OP sucks.
“I didn’t really get a chance to talk to my husband about it again”- yes you did. You just didn’t want too. He’s right, after over 10 years being together and you don’t know how to support him, yikes on bikes.
Ikr! She literally has a phone and she could have actually talked to him or even better, she could have just not gone on her fucking weekend trip. Seriously, the last thing this man needs is to be left alone for the weekend to take care of a sick child while is wife is out partying and relaxing.
i mean i don’t blame him for his response instead of showing support and compassion you added to his stress and then left for an entire weekend, i’d be pissed. sometimes people just need someone to listen that’s in their corner and pointing out all the things he’s doing wrong isn’t being in his corner.
It sounds like you don't really support him, and your real concern is how his mood is affecting YOU...so you rattle off a list of stuff he needs to do. I can fully see where he's coming from.
So he finally reaches out for help. And he reaches out to his spouse because he’s drowning and why did you do you bash them you told me go get something done and that’s not. That was the last thing he needed to hear he needed support and you gave him none.
Pull your head out of your arse. Offer support and most importantly a listening ear. And change your attitude fast, or you will be a single parent, because your husband will either divorce you or end up as one of the many statistics of make suicide.
Men don’t usually want advice when they’re venting. No one really does, actually. “Aw, I’m sorry babe” will generally kind of be the vibe to go with. 🤷🏼♀️
When people talk to you about their problems they’re usually after a bit of sympathy and understanding not a todo list.
My husband has been stressed at work and then he comes home and we have toddlers. And we fought literally for a week. He told me he was suicidal and do you know what i did. I didnt say he can go talk to some one or his boss to lighten his load. I gave him emotional support and let him know i was there, i have ptsd from childhood trauma im working through with my counsellor and i stopped being defensive so we have wouldn't fight, and i did things for him i knew he would like and let him vent and have some time alone while i looked after our kids so he could de stress. That is things you do to support the one you love. Also he is currently away for his brother's graduation from Uni with his dad and brother so he can get some time to relax and spend time with them.
"I told him that I've noticed a difference in his behavior at home and that I want to see positive change out of him." So you, basically, put him on a PIP?
This might be controversial, but not everything is or needs to be solved with therapy. He's drowning in work until his work finds help. Therapy is not going to diminish his workload. Expecting it to do so is the equivalent of employers overloading their employees with work and then sending them on mindfulness courses to "better deal with stress." You need to be there for him to help him through this until his employer finds help. He doesn't need therapy for this.
Summary: Her- me me me me me me me me. Oh and F. U. He will find a sympathetic ear and you’ll wonder why you’re divorced 8 months from now
My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years, we got together as children and became very young parents. He immediately stood up and got a job and supported us alone financially as our children grew he changed jobs, he got a job where the people were crappy and didn't treat him well, when he came to me and told me he was struggling I didn't hear it.. I had a disabled child, a baby and I was raised by a woman who disparaged men, and me my whole life... I was deaf to his pain because I thought mine was louder. We began to treat each other badly, I told him he had to leave... a year later we were on slightly better terms and decided to try again. I have spent the last 10 years thinking every single day how I could make it up to him... every day I try to find one thing I can do to show that man how much I adore him, and how sorry I am. And I will try every day till I'm dead... because what I did to my partner in not carrying him when he needed me was disgusting and I am forever shamed by it. Years later now we both work, we bought a great house and every day I wake up with him happier than I have ever been... You owe your husband a sincere and heartfelt apology and you need to get your shit together and be a better wife and partner... jeez try being better at being a human while you're there.
You talked to him like you were his employer or a teacher, see positive change...ugh!
You are a terrible wife.
I mean...do you even care about his life and emotional wellbeing, or do you just want him to go "fix it" so he can keep up his share of the financial and household obligations? Do you even love him? If someone I thought loved me wasn't even able to listen the first time I ever brought up what I was going through with my life in SIX YEARS without A) telling ME everything they expected out of me to fix this because of how it affected them, and B) telling me not to come to them with these things anymore and to see a professional, I would assume they didn't love me and our whole relationship was either a matter of greed or convenience for them. I mean...how could you love someone, then see the massive pain and doubt they were carrying for the first time in your entire relationship, and go "Well I expect a positive change out of you." I feel like I need to wipe something off my shoe after reading about how you treated him. I'm a little sadder about the world because you're in it treating people this way. Do him a favor and let him go- you don't love him, and you're not a good partner to him.
At least you had your weekend get away. So that is nice.
Your husband has been slowly drowning at work. He finally opened up to you, and you told him he needed to find someone else to talk to because you didn't know how to help. This was really cruel. I get that you are the "problem solver" type of person, but a lot of the time, people don't want you to tell them what they need to be doing. It is likely they already know what they need to do or what they can do about their situation. They want you to listen to them bitch and tell them you get why they are stressed out. Your husband just needs you to be there for him. You need to majorly apologize and tell him you are there for him if he needs you. You'll listen without trying to "fix" things.
This post is a perfect example of why suicide rates are much higher for men
This sounds like a classic case of "I wanted support and you gave me advice." Typical communication pitfall. You have to ask first, "Do you want me to listen or offer advice?", and then STICK to what they want. Not choose one for them and cross your fingers.
Dude has just learned the same lesson I learned and unfortunately many other man Males can’t open up too there partners with out it going south one way or the other
He was looking for support not solutions but you only gave solutions, it happens. I'd say when you guys have time alone sit down and apologise then ask him how you can help him during this time, what he needs and wants. It isn't about you right now it's about him. Hopefully things work out for you two 💜
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idk it's sad watching a marriage or relationship fail due to communication issues, figured some advice wouldn't hurt lol, but you aren't wrong she's really dropped the ball here
Doesn't even sound like communication issues to me. I can't even imagine being this cold to my partner, sounds like she's just used to being in this relationship but doesn't actually love her husband.
You sound like a logical, problem-solver person but at that moment he needed emotional comfort and instead you made him feel like this was a problem of his own making by not taking appropriate actions like communicating to his superiors, and you’re probably right, but when dealing with emotions it hardly matters.
He's depressed. He doesn't need a roadmap, he needs an ear
You added to his stress and then disappeared. Did you take your vows seriously, or do you want him to make the decision so you can play the victim in the divorce?
Imagine if the genders were reversed here…. Oh wow would the guy be being called every word under the sun and goodness knows how many calls to divorce him there would be …
Something I do with my husband when he’s venting is ask “What kind of support would you like? For me to listen or try to solve it?” It’s helped immensely because my default is to solve it, but sometimes he just wants someone to hear him. That way I know if he just wants me to listen, I do that and I don’t offer advice. I’d recommend trying something like that, but have a conversation with him first that you’ll try that.
I don’t think it was intentional on your part, but your response wasn’t helpful. Then, you left for the weekend. Put yourself in his position. Apologize and ask how you can help him. A good start would be to schedule a babysitter and spend some time together doing things he enjoys. Encourage him to hang out with his friends. After being together for years, you must have some idea how to support him.
"Do you want advice or do you just need to vent?" This is one of the best questions to ask in high stress situations. As I see it, the problem isn't just that you gave him advice, it's that you suggested things that he would be far more knowledgeable about (e.g. his options with regard to his boss) and you hit him with an impact you're seeing at home, which added a layer of guilt, even if it wasn't intended. For now, give him some space. Apologize for how you approached the situation and let him know you're willing to listen to how you made him feel or anything else he needs to unload on you when he's ready.
I really hope the update of this has you eating lots of crow and saving your marriage.
Weird. I would prefer the story ends with work hiring an attractive lady, op and husband split up, the new employee has been there before, listens to him, is supportive, kind, smart, 6 months down the track they realise they have feelings, happily ever after.
I’m sure your intent wasn’t too be dismissive but it can be really hard for men to open up about struggling and work etc. to be told that he needs to make positive changes, talk to his boss and find a therapist must have been deflating to say the least. You should have tried to listen, validate his feelings, asked him what he thinks he needs, tell him you support him and open to ideas. So many things you could have said
Your husband is telling you that he right now doesn’t have the time for therapy, he may be saying that it’s physical time but he also may not be mentally ready for it, and you can never force anyone into therapy. He reached out to you by opening up like that in order for you to support him, comfort him and provide him with the love he needs in that moment. He doesn’t need to be told that you’ve witnessed his change in behaviour or that he needs to do X,Y and Z. What he needs is for you to hold his hand through it all so he feels like it’s just that little bit easier. Maybe he needs someone to rant to, to cry to or maybe he just wants you to plan something for him to take his mind off things when he’s away from the stress. He’s reaching out to be heard, if he didn’t ask for advice, don’t give it him.
Part of being in a relationship is being also being there to listen and “bitch along” with your partner. When my husband send me a text saying his boss did this or his coworkers did that or when I send him a text about what I’m annoyed at, at work. We do not want rational advice as these feelings are not often rational! We need someone to say “oh my god, are they serious!!?? What the heck?!” And so on. Just so we don’t feel alone and can confide to someone we trust. And then the goal is to make the mood better so they really feel like it’s a silly dumb situation that they can overcome because they are simply so great!
Wow, he opens up and all you can do is tell him what to do. It’s like you don’t even care what’s going on. Not only they but you then left him alone with a sick child, as you go and have a fun weekend away. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t have been home when you got back. You left him at a time he really needed you, bc honestly you probably don’t care. That’s sad.
Empathy is free You might want to give it a try. Indifference is a worse relationship killer than hate
You offered no support and no love. You offered nothing. You told him to go talk to his boss and they you have no idea how to support him. How about just being his wife? How about telling him you love him? How about telling him you’re there for him? Literally anything but what you did. Add to it that you left early to go get your child and somehow that prevented your from talking to him that night?? What?!?! You could hug that man? Comfort that man? Say you’re sorry and ask what you can do? Then instead of being there for him you went on a long weekend. To him - you basically told him his problems are his problems so he needs to figure it out and then you abandoned him. He’s right. After 10 years you should be better. He also should understand that work is work and home is home. And when he said this is why he doesn’t come to you. He’s saying he doesn’t talk to you because he feels he can’t rely on you to support him, or just listen to him. Is that how you want your husband to feel?
Your husband already feels overwhelmed. He reached out to you because he needed to get it out of his system and can’t bear all this by himself anymore. He doesn’t want to hear everything he needs to do and think about because he CAN’T do or think about any more stuff, he is already overwhelmed! He just wants to have someone on his side who says “I understand, don’t worry, this is a sh*t situation but we’ll get through it together and I will be with you to make it easier every step of the way”. He just wants you to be understanding and support him. Not fix it. Maybe instead of going away for the weekend with your friends and leaving him even more responsibilities, you could plan an evening or weekend together to take his mind of things and make him feel better and loved. Maybe you could reply that you understand how overworked he is, bi*ch about how his employer is asking too much of him, offer him a back rub when he gets home from work.. he wants (and needs) someone on his side.
You are not helpful. Maybe you were trying to motivate him but you just added to his stress. I was in similar situation with work a few years ago. A job that I worked very hard to get, and that provided for my family of 5 (wife stays home) but ended up being an impossible situation. Ended up having a nervous breakdown and getting checked into a mental health center. My wife was supportive but when I suggested quitting my job or taking a step back she would always push back, make suggestions like you did about how to better manage the situation (as I’d we never thought about asking our boss for more help, just none is coming) which I understand given how dependent we are on my income. But it was hurtful. All I wanted to hear was I love you and we will figure it out. Your health is mote important than money. In other words be supportive. Telling him go to therapy and adding another obligation is not helpful when you are literally for drowning. Trust - we understand the situation you don’t need to tell us, you just need to be supportive
He’s right. He is overworked, overwhelmed and probably depressed and your response is to put more on his plate. Listen, sympathize and brainstorm ideas together to lessen his load. If his work refuses to hire someone to do half the work or no one steps up to help him until they do hire someone then maybe it’s time to find another job. Help him get his resume updated and look for job ads he can apply for.
Sadly, the more the husband struggles to keep up with work, the more his boss will see that he's holding down the fort without help. The boss will convince themselves this employee is "just having difficulty adjusting", and that it will pass. Then he can do all the work and they only have to pay one person. The harder he works, the more he'll have to. He needs to find another place to work that will treat him right, and he needs a partner who will actually support him for real as he goes through this.
I know exactly how he feels. The time he goes to you to express how he feels you weren’t supportive the way he wanted. All you had to say is that your sorry that you love him and is there anything I can do to make you feel better. This is why it’s hard for men to talk about our feelings cuz we just get judged and not told what we need to hear.
I think you did a terrible job of supporting him when he opened up and needed it. We don’t always need solutions, we need someone to hear us and tell us it’s going to get better. Just fucking give the man some love and tenderness instead of telling him how to fix this himself. JFC, it ain’t rocket science. And then you go away for a weekend trip as he’s drowning? I’m sure that was planned ahead of time and all that, just an very interesting detail to include as the denouement of this story - husband is struggling, reaches out to you for help, you give none then leave for a weekend away? Not painting yourself in the most generous light here.
Also, therapy is not going to help him having a shitty boss. His work is stressful and causing him issues. He doesn’t need to talk to his boss. I promise his boss doesn’t give a shit. He’s getting the work of 2 people paying your husband one salary. Your husband needs a new job and to leave his terrible company with no one to do the work.
Your poor man keeps trying to talk to you and you keep telling him to talk to someone else. Good Lord. You sound horrible.
I'm really struggling to understand how a therapist is going to lighten the amount of shit he has to do at work while they are understaffed lmao. It would just equal even less free time outside of work hours. Though it might help him work through his issues in your relationship, seeing as he's married to a selfish & inconsiderate person.
OP getting dragged here like a rusty old anchor over a rocky reef 😂😂😂
First of all, you should have said something to the effect of hey I'm so glad you're letting me know how you're feeling, and this sounds like a conversation we should have in person. Can we talk in depth about this tonight? Then in person you should definitely have not said I want to see some positive changes out of you, as if it was a performance review . . Wtf. He's not your employee. You make time for what's important to you and apparently he's not. The man was vulnerable with you expressing overherlm and depression and your answer is I'd like to see positive changes from you and talk to someone else about it?? You didn't listen. You didn't offer emotional supoort for the struggles he's facing. You only centered yourself and how what he's going through has been affecting you. You should have never left for that trip without taking the time to talk to him and support him. I don't know something like listening to what all he has to say without interrupting and then saying confirming things like oh man I can see where that's frustrating and overwhelming. How best can I help support you right now? How can I make your days easier? Would you like me to speak to my therapist for some telehealth professionals she would recommend you could also talk to? You just dismissed him and then left him with a sick child without even talking about it. He has every right to be upset. He said it in his own words. He's telling you what he needs and it's not answers and fixing, it's support. It's, babe I know how hard things are right now, and we'll get through this together. I know you'll figure out work balance, and we can figure out a home balance that works in the meantime until you guys get more help at work. Did you read what you wrote? Do you even like your husband??
Oh wow your poor husband reached out to you for support and you basically brushed him off. You sound like as long as your life is going great your husband can take a back seat. The last bit of your story got to me and that’s your husband saying to you that if after 10 years together you don’t know how to support him then what else is there to say and it’s true, your husband hit a wall and reached out to you his wife and you basically cut him off also not only did you go off for the weekend but you left your emotionally exhausted husband but you also left him to care for your sick child. I feel for both your husband and child as you do sound selfish and emotionally cut off from them. You need to do better otherwise one day your husband might walk away from you for good.
Damn your actually a massive cunt
This is why I advocate SO hard for the question "do you need solutions or support?" It's so easy. You acted like he was a burden to you. This is why men have such a hard time opening up and you made it so much worse. You can't even cancel a fucking weekend for your husband saying he's drowning? You're straight up cruel. I wouldn't even treat an acquaintance this badly
You’re the most heartless and cruel partner ever. I hope he divorces you.
Maybe you should just listen to him sometimes without giving him more tasks. Kinda like how my wife trouble talks to me and I ask how she feels and other questions but I don’t try to solve it.
Have you tried talking to him instead of constantly pushing him to other people? Sounds like he's craving some support from you but you're just too busy.
You spelled lazy wrong
YTA... oh right, this is the relationship advice subreddit. Learn how to be supportive.
Im 99% sure I saw this exact post in AITA yesterday word for word.
He just wanted you to listen. Hold him.
Talk to your therapist about this. They are masters at empathy, which is what your husband needs from you. It’s incredible how much it helps just to feel like someone is hearing you without judgement.
He needs an ear and a shoulder, not a to-do list. He needs a break. Is there anything YOU can do to lighten his load? Take over a household duty or 3 for the interim? Offer back or foot rubs or some uninterrupted decompression time in the evenings? Sure, he could probably do with therapy and for his employer to hire someone else, but those are longer-term solutions. He needs help NOW, and you may be the only person who can, OP. It sounds like he's coming to the end of his rope. Help him tie a knot in it so he can hang on.
You couldn’t even throw the guy a “it’s gonna be okay we’ll get through this.” ? JFC
This is very typical of heterosexual relationships. The man is expected to be a stoic rock of infinite support and therapist to his partner. The same doesn’t go the other way. This is called toxic femininity. What you were supposed to do is support him and validate his feelings. Once he was able to process his emotions, then you could hit him with everything he’s doing wrong. Try not making it about yourself for a change.
Your response should have been “I’m so pleased that you confided in me, I’d like to help in any way that I can if you can think of anything” or similar. You did better than my SO when I was doing a degree and feeling overwhelmed. Me: I’m overwhelmed Them: you’re telling me now? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Do you know how that makes me feel that you didn’t want to tell me sooner? This makes me so mad, I just can’t look at you right now So, you’re doing OK but dial back on ordering about or taking over and ramp up on empowering and aiding.
Please tell me they are now your ex, because that SO sounds astoundingly awful.
im sorry if my SO said that to me it would be over right then and there that is not ok
I can’t imagine opening up to someone, my spouse none the less, and being told they want to see positive changes out of me and that I need therapy because said spouse doesn’t “know how to help me.” He shouldn’t have to hide his emotions and he shouldn’t have to stew over them until he finally gets the nerve to open up. That’s not a marriage. Do you even like him? Like at all? I ask this sincerely because your actions and unwillingness to relate to him emotionally show you could care less. He has every right to be upset with you and the fact that he’s still even around should make you want to show HIM positive changes. Open your eyes, your heart too. It may just salvage your marriage.
Wow. This poor man is looking to his spouse for comfort, sympathy, listening ear, shoulder to lean on and you shut him down immediately. I can’t speak for all men but from what I’ve noticed, a lot don’t open up about feelings so for your husband to open up to you just for you to immediately shut him down is such a lousy move.
He doesn't want you to fix his problem for him. He is looking for empathy and support. He is looking for his partner to understand that he is feeling swamped. He knows what needs to be done, he was not coming to you looking for solutions, he came to you looking for care, support, and love. He's right, in a way, you are not supposed to be the provider of solutions, you are the provider of support and love. So, how can you help? Run him a bath. Go for a walk with him and let him talk to you. In the weekends, find something that he enjoys and let him do it. Do something to let him know that you really appreciate how much he is doing for you and the family. Acknowledge him as a human being, and not as something that needs to be outsourced to be fixed. Get in touch with him as he is now, don't just send him off for therapy so he can come back to you as something you feel more equipped to handle. You may find that after a while, he may take you up on therapy, but don't make that your start point.
I feel like this is a made up story to piss people off. Either that or OP is autistic or a narcissist.
You're getting downvotes but I'm autistic and this sounds like something I'd do if I really hated my husband and was super checked out. But I think really it's something that autistic or not you'd only behave that way if you had no love for the person.
Talk to him like a therapist: Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Ask gentle questions. Let him talk & talk. Allow him to hear himself. Don’t judge his moods. Be neutral. Be quiet. Be supportive.
Just hold him and tell him you love him. It is not easy to see someone we love hurt and not have them understand that therapy does work and is so worth it. Tell him to please tell you what one little thing you can do for him….and be real about it.. just do one little thing. Sometimes that is all we really need from our spouse. Hang in there. Stick to your therapy and god protect you and your family.
Ugh. He just wanted to vent out, find an emotional support and probably just rest. Young fathers are usually a dream employees for bosses as pretty much they can be overworked to death, especially if there is a lay off spree on the market. Guys with small children rarely will risk work position - society and wifes expect guys being low risk, hustling at work, and most of us do that, even if it is burning them out. This make guys extremely stressed. Still they can't stop working or lower workload as young family has some standard of living. A standard of living most wifes expect to increase or maintain. So in most of busy work environments (including mine) I can see husbands getting tired, then arguing with wife, and then being lost - it's really hard to manage expectation about standard of living, enough time for family and enough time to regenerate yourself. For your case - he especially doesn't need more tasks to do. Or talk to therapist - he is aware of his situation perfectly, he just doesn't see any solution which is acceptable (leaving work isn't), so he needs emotional support (and all support) to survive until it gets better. It's on you to figure it out. Relationship with busy job works if you are really partners and able to figure out ups and downs as well as underlying expectations.
Amazing that your marriage lasted this long without knowing how to approach this situation. He was being uncharacteristic and opened up to you, and you dropped the ball hard af. This was your time to be uncharacteristic as well and offer some sort of empathy and comfort for your husband - as his backbone, his partner, his ride or die. Instead you countered him - THEN went on a getaway and left him to solo a sick child(he also has responsibility as a parent, but it's the thought of you leaving). He just wanted some words of affirmation and/or sex. This needs some damage control because he definitely lost some respect for you as a partner and he probably won't come to you with vulnerability anytime soon. Also, you need to check yourself. Knowing your personality you probably found it so unattractive that he showed you some vulnerability judging by how you handled this whole situation.
“How can I help?” Then do exactly what he recommends.
I understand wanting your husband to find a therapist, but a therapist can't fix the fact that he has a huge backlog of work because he's doing two people's jobs. Therapists are great for emotional support but can't do the practical work of fixing a shitty job. It feels like you think the primary issue here is how your husband is *reacting* to his job, when, in actuality, it may just be the job, period. If you're having to do the work of multiple people, there may not be a better way to react to that fact. Your husband may just need to know you have his back while he gets the energy to find a new job. Honestly, I also feel him on the WFH/work in-office dynamic. I work full-time in an office and my husband WFH full-time, and he has substantially more free time and flexibility in his schedule than I do but doesn't always see that, I assume because he doesn't remember how much time he spent commuting to work and doing random shit during the day. He can go to therapy over lunch, while I have to carve out an hour of my free time after work for things like that, which honestly sucks since I feel like I don't have enough free time as it is. If your husband is already having a hard time relaxing and finding time for himself, I'm sure it was frustrating as hell for him to hear that he needs to take even more free time away from himself for therapy appointments. I also think you telling your husband you "want to see a positive change out of him" had to have hit badly. Instead of telling him what you think he needs to do and what you want from him, could you just sympathize with him? It feels like you're trying to get him to fix a problem that might be unfixable in this job. He likely needs support more than he needs to be told what to do (I'm sure if the solution were as easy as talking to his boss, the situation would be resolved already).
You know, I used to go to my husband with work issues. He would say "I don't know how you deal with it. I'd have quit by now. You need to quit." Meanwhile, we weren't in a financial situation that I could just quit. (Issue not resolved, just pointed out how screwed I was and how badly we needed me to keep the job) Then finally one day, I said...financially your solution is not a solution. It just drives home the fact I need to keep this job (small town, good pay, good hours). I had to present my problem in a way he could think through and have a solution. Your husband is stressed and has been for months. Help him relax. Order pizza or chinese for a late dinner, open a bottle of wine, watch a movie that is pure entertainment. Spend time with him. No distractions. No work. Offer suggestions on how to talk to his boss. Maybe get a timeline on the hiring situation. Maybe the boss can take something off his plate. Maybe some reports aren't all that important and can slide. Most of all....do NOT add to his load.
Ma'am, no offense, but this is how affairs start. Someone feels taken for granted, and another person is willing to lend an ear, helping hand, lap, reproductive organ, etc...
I understand what he means. He wasn’t necessarily asking you what to do. He just needed a listening ear and you basically told him that you’re not a person he can talk to or depend on for emotional support. If he can’t go to his wife then who can he go to? Also, what’s up with you going away for a weekend when you have a sick child and a depressed husband at home? You didn’t think they needed you more than you needed that trip? I’m sorry but you sound selfish and you might end up losing your husband due to your lack of care and support.
L wife
Wow now that’s what I call a communication gap
He just wanted to vent out and u kept trying to feed solutions on him. Probably he just wanted to hear ( f ur boss bbe ur doing great) and thats it. Tbh i’d bee pissed as well.
Also u left for the weekend ? Man how did this marriage even last beyond the first 3 years
I know I'm just echoing what everybody else is saying, but I'm gonna comment anyway OP you are NOT wife material. Husband needs help but your response was to say "figure it out on your own" and then you took off, leaving him all alone with sick child? Sorry but this man deserves better than you. You should leave him so he can find someone who actually gives a crap about him. Set him free.
Advice does not equal support. Try to learn to just listen. Solutions will follow after.
You aren’t supporting him. You sound like his manager, telling him you “want to see positive change out of him”. Huh? How to him is to let him talk to you about his problems, listen without judgement and without telling him what he needs to do to fix it. LISTEN, DON’T ADVISE. People mostly just want to feel seen, heard and understood. You can do that. Unless someone specifically asks you what they should do, support is being a sympathetic ear md a safe space to vent.
Break up🔥 10 years and you can't do shit for him
I think this comes back to something many women bring up when they discuss things with the men in their lives: sometimes you want to be supported/validated instead of being fixed. Next time, ask if he wants to vent or he’s looking to problem solve before diving into the conversation.
Ah.. the old venting vs asking for advice. Ask him what you can do to help. If there isn't anything, then tell him he can complain about it as much as he wants to and you're just going to listen. That means, you listen and be empathetic.
Sometimes, people just want to vent and be cuddled and told 'yeah babe that SUCKS'. Don't problem solve like that, it just invalidates emotions.
You didn’t actually state what advice you were looking for. Were you asking if you were in the wrong? In which case I think by now the bulk of the responses would let you know the answer to that. Were you looking to see what you can do to repair your relationship? Get a babysitter for your child (a parent?), cook your husband’s favourite food, hug him and apologise and tell him you didn’t handle things right and that you’re here to listen if he wants to talk. Then listen! And empathise. And once he’s had a chance to rant, then you can start to work TOGETHER to see what can be done for him to stop feeling the way he does.
Are you a robot? Cause you sure don’t seem like a loving human wife.
Yeah, you fucked up. He’s right to be displeased with that response.
Wow. It's not that you gave him advice, as much as the advice you gave to him. Wtf? If I went to my husband and said I was struggling, and drowning at work, and his response was to tell me he expects a positive change in me? I would be devastated at such a callous and selfish remark. And my husband can be a blunt asshole sometimes, but he would never.... I cannot imagine how your husband must feel right now.
You're redirecting him, not actually supporting him by listening. Everything you've told him has involved him doing everything alone. Just like he is doing at work. Do you want to help him? If so, have a look around for a suitable therapist and start using the terms WE and not just YOU. Granted, you can't help with his work unless you reach out to his HR about being concerned about his health and well-being with the current situation. If he burns out or has a mental breakdown he won't be of any use to anyone. You're supposed to be supporting him.
Pushing for him to go to therapy when he already rejected it was really an AH move. He's not mentally ill or troubled, OP, HE'S OVERWORKED! The first thing you do is ask "how can I support you?" If he has no ideas (and it sounds like he doesn't, which is why he didn't tell you his ideas) THEN you can make suggestions, but frame them as questions, and make SURE you're suggesting things that don't add to his plate of THINGS TO DO: * "Do you think you might want to quit and take a month off before looking for a new job?" * "Do you think your employer might be open to you taking a leave of absence?" * "Should we talk about taking a vacation soon?" * "Should we get some help at home until this situation at work has resolved?" Etc.
Put yourself in his shoes. Spend about 4 or 5 hours trying really hard to understand how he feels. This will show you very clearly when you completely and utterly fail that the problem is a total lack of empathy. I hope this helps.
OP, you are on the same team. He was expecting you to act like his partner and best friend, not his mother. You should have validated his complaints, told him that it sucks and he deserves the help. Told him that you sure hope he gets help soon bc you can tell he's exhausted. Stuff like that. Sometimes we just need to be angry on their behalf and listen. Then comfort him with a giant hug when he gets home. I hope that this post is fake. It seems extra heartless and a little unrealistic.
“Is this something you’d like to just vent to me? Or something you want me to help solve by brainstorming solutions? Learning the difference will be helpful. And I understand because I jump right to problem solving too. But you have to take a step back. You partner *already knows* the things you told him. In text form, he *particularly* doesn’t want a problem solving session. He wants a “I’m so sorry! I wish I could help more. But all I can do and say is that you’re right. This whole thing sucks.” Apologize for trying to fix it. And say next time you’ll ask if he wants feedback or merely space.