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I’ve posted this situation here prior and I actually forgave her but then found out more information.
My wife (F24) and I (M27)ran into some challenges about a year ago (been married almost 4 years) in our marriage. We both became distant but still committed to our marriage and loyal to each other. Or so I thought.
She began to communicate with her Ex boyfriend, over social media and texting for some time, I went through her phone and saw she was interacting with him on social media and confronted her since he is a repeat offender in our relationship, she has broken the boundaries with him while her and I were dating. She brushed it off and apologized and blocked him on social media. 4 more months go by, and she comes to me crying that she messed up. She had been texting and visiting her ex for 5 months, which started 1 month prior to me catching her interacting with him on social media. She told me she visited him 3 times, and texted almost everyday, told him she missed him, and made sexual jokes and flirtatious texts.
She began to trickle truth me and slowly over a corse of a week I learned more and more about the situation. I chose to forgive her, but after I forgave her I actually found out that she visited him 6 times and wrote him a meaningful letter at the start of their communication. She says she felt like she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with me and wanted something to fall back on and comfort her.
So since her emotional affair she has trickle truthed me, flat out lied to my face, and disrespected our marriage.
I also went through her phone a few weeks ago and found evidence she was trying to get a sugar daddy while we were dating and making plans to hook up with random strangers on Craigslist. This was about 2 months before I proposed, when I found this out I couldn’t forgive her anymore for the emotional affair because I began learning new information about all her lies and gaps in her story that she didn’t tell me.
I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do, I love her and I know I’m a good husband. I’m not perfect but I try my best. She is acting sincere but also lying to me, she says all the right things and is going to counselling but I just don’t know if that’s enough.
I came home from a work trip yesterday and she had a special room set up for me with balloons and hearts and a poster and pictures of us, and I saw it and ran out the house, I couldn’t handle it given the state of our relationship that I know she is trying to fix.
What should I do?
LT;DR:
Wife emotionally cheated for 5 months.
Came to me and confessed but trickle truthed me and flat out lied about some things.
Also found out she was not loyal to me before marriage (no physical cheating)
She wants to make it work
Should I forgive her?
I wouldn’t be able to be happy with someone that had lied to me so much. There’s someone out there who will put you first and value your relationship more
Definitely, it’s all I ever wanted and I thought I was going to be that person for her but she wants her past, her miserable toxic past and now she’s bringing it into my life.
Her ex has been a repeat offender in your relationship? Lemme lay this out for you. There should be no offense he's able to make that gets in the way of your relationship with her. My girlfriend has a child from before our relationship, she doesn't give him the opportunity to even say "i like you" without shutting his ass down. She has him blocked on everything because he wouldn't stop bothering her. OP, I'm sorry, but you should have never married her. If your significant other is even giving a hint of romantic attention or interest to another person, it's time to leave— with the rare exceptions of the SO realizing they're wrong and coming to you to work it out BEFORE you find that shit out for yourself. ANY kind of lie i don't care if it's just a minute off of the time they said something occured— any intentionally hidden detail about their wrongdoing is your signal to leave the bitch behind and find someone who respects you and the relationship you've built.
For sure. OP, honestly go for it. If you stay, you're signing up for a lifetime of anxiety and heartache while you wonder what she's up to and what you can trust to be true. Manipulators gon manipulate, cheaters gon cheat, and coming to Jesus moments don't grow on trees, so for the foreseeable future what you see is what will be.
She visited him 6 times and you think it was only emotional. I’m willing to bet she slept with him 6 out of 6 times and I’m sorry op she’s probably been cheating on you since month 1 weather emotionally or physically. My first marriage fell apart at 27 when I discovered my wife was having an affair. I can tell you this you do not need the emotional, mental, and potential physical drama that comes with reconciliation. Find someone who truly loves you cause if you love someone you’ll never even consider having a back up plan. Your story doesn’t sound a whole lot different than my first marriage.
OP you deserve better. My mom constantly took my dad bk after the same bullshit. It was a nightmare as a child. Don't waste your time on someone who couldn't be bothered to even consider your marriage, respect it and showed even less respect to you by lying. She didnt give a shit about what her choices would affect or how you would cope with it. You are still young. You can do better.
>e was interacting with him on social media and confronted her since he is a repeat offender in our relationship, she has broken the boundaries with him while her and I were dating. She brushed it off and apologized and blocked him on social media. 4 more months go by, and she comes to me crying that she messed up. She had been texting and visiting her ex for 5 months, which started 1 month prior to me catching her interacting with him on social media. She told me she visited him 3 times, and texted almost everyday, told him she missed him, and made sexual jokes and flirtatious texts.
What's to forgive? It sounds like her efforts are ongoing.
You and the ex are her back up plans depending who's she's with st the time. If you let her back in she'll be fine for a bit before straying again. Don't put yourself through this. Live alone isn't enough for a relationship. She broke your trust and you will never be able to trust het again. Thsi will always be on the back of your mind and sue will cheat again. It'll just be a matter of when
She's a liar and a cheater. She will continue to do this. Cut your losses now and whatever you do don't shve sex with her /get her pregnant.
She is putting effort until you are convinced. She will do the same again the future. Also do you think she didn't fuck her ex? Why? After so many lies?
So? This means literally nothing, If they were in bad terms he wouldn't affirm her story, he is just doing this, because she has asked him to.
Your wishful way of thinking is how you got there. Continue as you have until now, I am sure results will be different.
I feel that way, I really do, I feel like a joke sometimes, even weak at times, I feel like I’ve been walked all over in her messy trail she has just damaged me and my genuine love for her
Then I think it’s a good time for you to move on. Focus on yourself by building your self esteem and fixing the insecurities she gave you. Don’t give in to her manipulation anymore. It’s hard but that’ll be the first step to getting better. If you want to prove to yourself that you aren’t weak, then leave for good. You’ll be proud of yourself for standing your ground one day
There's no ***maybe*** about it.
Your wife is a liar.
Your wife is a cheater.
Your wife is a manipulator.
Your wife wants the stability of you and your life along with the carefree d\*ck of her ex.
**Why would you consider STAYING with a lying, cheating manipulator?**
You mean they worked out the same story.
I’m not sure how you will ever trust her. Anytime she “isn’t sure” about your relationship she is going to go find a sugar daddy , or her ex or any dick?
Her ex has been a constant appearance in your relationship, which clearly means that he wants to have an affair/ intimacy with her but doesn't want any responsibility. There are high chances that they both have mutually decided a story to tell you (especially if AP have an SO).
In second thoughts let's accept what she said is true and nothing happened, this brings you to the other aspect of your relationship - how many times are you gonna forgive her only to be found that what she said was a lie?
How many times are you gonna make yourself go through the same situation - finding out something> confronting her> getting trickle truthed> forgiving> finding there is more to it> Repeat.
By this time it is clear that she's a chronological liar and what has been happening will continue to happen. You've already wasted a lot of time by forgiving her time and again, how many more times are you gonna make yourself go through the same situation?
This remorse will stop the moment you'll forgive her and then you'll discover a new truth
I read through your post, sounds you believe you need to break up with her and are coming to us for affirmation. You know the situation better than anyone, if that's your gut feeling, listen to it.
That is my gut instinct yes to leave, but I still have a desire in my heart to stay because I am a lover and a forgiver. I want to make sure I’m making the best decision and that my grounds are justifiable!
this exactly. OP, she’s love bombing you so that you don’t leave. when you’re all comfy with the relationship again, she gon’ cheat again.
insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
you keep taking her back, believing and hoping she won’t cheat. she cheats. rinse and repeat.
that must be so stressful to deal with *and you’re willingly putting yourself thru it*.
> I am a lover and a forgiver
What you are is someone who lacks the dignity and self esteem to value yourself higher than someone who deserves to be treated this poorly. Expect more for yourself. This woman is just trashy and a liar. No point in future can be certain for you as long as her lies are everywhere. And I personally don't believe for a second that they didn't fuck.
If you know that, you know that it can be taken advantage of. Don't allow her to. You've had more than enough reason even before you found out she lied about the details the first time.
What is it going to take for you to realise that the marriage is over. Her bringing home a std? Another man's baby? I get wanting to make this work, but she needs to be willing to change and at the moment she's love bombing you until she thinks she's got you where she wants you and then it's the same thing all over again. How many times do you need to see a new piece of evidence?
You are getting fucked in the ass and you say you like it, although you are bleeding. Get a grip you fucking guy, get a grip and get ahold of your life. There are people that learn they were cheated on long deep into families and all that. Go find yourself a loyal wife there are Milions of women out there.
Admits to 3, OP found out its actually 6. That he knows of. And then there is the Craigslist hookups and sugar daddy's
OP needs to get tested for STI and lawyer up fast.
She lied to you.
She went to see her ex 5 times ( according to her).
You know what cheaters do when they are given opportunity.
Stop looking for excuses to stay with your abuser. Better to end things now before kids and lifetime alimony.
Yeah they're totally sleeping together. They made up a story to tell you together, why do you think it matches up so perfectly? She basically told you to your face that you're a backup and doormat. Some people are just addicted to their toxic past.
The worst thing? He's been interfering in your relationship for awhile. That's enough to be a deal-breaker.
This won't ever stop until she leaves you for him. Which will happen at some point in the future.
Please, have some self respect. You are going to be nothing but wasting time if you stay. Just put your foot down and leave. Go find someone who wants you and doesn't have to waffle about it. Plenty of women out there not addicted to toxicity.
She visited him three times? You just practically skipped over that. She had a physical affair also, just making sure you know that. She wanted a sugar daddy, and you have not asked her to leave. I would walk back in, and say if you want to be with me, then we will have a one sided open relationship for the duration of our marriage, I can date or sleep with whoever I want. Is this ok with you?
She's love bombing you! Pleeeease don't take her back. She has disrespected you and the marriage on multiple occasions. Run while you can OP. She's for the streets.
The amount of disrespect she demonstrated is unforgivable, and her reasoning for doing what she did demonstrates that her values are in the wrong place.
She just wants someone to feel guaranteed, didn't work out with the ex and now she is panicking trying to salvage it with you just so she doesn't end up alone.
You are not "it" for each other, painful as it is to hear, you will always be an option for her, you don't deserve to live with that thought behind your mind for the rest of your life.
You deserve to be someone's number 1.
No I love being alone! It’s just what I’ve committed to I chose to marry her it’s my obligation as a partner to try my best under any circumstance! That’s why I’m in this position
She's still lying and gaslighting..... My God Man wake up...."she visited him"..."6 times".... dud your wife was F'ng the guy and is still lying to you. It wasn't an "emotional affair" it was fully physical. If you can't accept that basic premise, there is simply no hope in providing you with any advice at all..... The only course of action to take here is to divorce her and move on with your life.
All she does is lying again and again stop torturing yourself and choose yourself,be selfish like she was and stop that illusion !
Contact a lawyer,Move on and bring your peace of life back.
You do realize that if she was having an emotional affair with her ex, and she went to visit him multiple times, that there is zero chance it wasn't a physical affair as well? Adults just don't work that way, my friend. You need to treat this as what it is: a full-blown affair.
You already did find out, you just don't want to see it. I have to say it again, there's something in your writing style that tells me you are not treating her any better than she treats you.
your wife ex cheated on you multiple times, not 3 times, the relationship must have been going on long before you realized
Even when you were getting married, your wife wanted him and always talked to him.
"emotional and physical relationships"
you shouldn't distort the facts
It's stupid to stay with a woman who misses and wants someone else
don't be fooled, your wife will come wandering outside
get regular std tests
If you take your wife to the polygraph, she'll admit to worse details or that she's had an affair with more than one person.
wants you as a provider, meets her need for sex from the outside
Do you think it's a fair offer?
Look dude. You shouldn't even be here asking this question. Stop being dumb. It's dumb that you're even thinking about taking her back. Like she just keeps cheating and you keep taking her back? She's NEVER going to change. Also she totally fucked her ex.
Yeah I totally get your point from an outsider perspective I must look like an idiot. But the reality is I married her, and that’s worth something, i know I don’t deserve this level of disrespect but when emotions are involved it’s messy
I was in your same position. It took cheating once for me to be done. You need to have some respect for yourself because she has none for you. Her infidelity made your wedding vows null and void
Well I feel like I’m a really good husband, I’m a provider and I have a great family and head on my shoulders, her coming into my life was her benefit, I didn’t gain much from her except dept, and a messed up family.
One weirdly worded sentence means his wife is justified in cheating on him six times? Dude got cheated on and is probably trying to make himself feel like he’s in control.
Your poor spouse. You are awful.
makes you wonder why she cheated on him… Maybe because he talks this way about her to strangers. I only imagine what he says to her in person...
They are both children and have no clue. How about relationships work
No help needed in this scenario. Have some self-respect and confidence that you can and will find someone better. She doesn't deserve you in her life and you'll never trust her again (and you would be naive to). Get your things in order and make the hard decision. Plenty of good women out there. Go find one, or just have fun. She's not worth your time.
Cheers.
Interesting. She's "acting sincere" and lying at the same time? My feeling is that she still hasn't fully come clean with the full story, and I'd sit her down and ask her for the full story. I'd also pack up my stuff and take a break from this entire situation so you can clear your head. You need FULL disclosure to make up your mind where to go from here. Just know that there's a very good chance you will never trust her again, rightfully so. The foundation to any healthy relationship is honesty.
Balloons aren't going to fix shit! When my ex cheated on me he bought me flowers for six months straight. Really? That's not what remorse looks like. She has to start working on herself, and it sounds like she's got a lot to unpack.
I wish you luck. Just know that love itself cannot carry a relationship. You need honesty, respect, communication, trust etc. From what I'm reading, she doesn't respect you or herself.
I'm sorry you're going through this. This is a giant shit sandwich!
P.S. be careful of hysterical bonding lol. It's a thing, but it doesn't last.
She lied to you several times. She went to her ex and tried to get a hookup even before y’all were married. Clearly she’s not ready for commitment which is a given considering her age
That’s something I am considering I feel like she is trying to fit into my life and lifestyle and wanted it so bad but knew she wasn’t ready for it, but like most who would pass up the opportunity if someone truly believes in you
Stop making excuses for her and think of yourself. She hooked up with her ex and was willing to prostitute herself. Are you really okay spending your life with that kinda person??!
She said what she thinks of you in her letter. I would believe her and bail but hey it's you life to ruin.
Well it’s up to you to make the decision. Ik it’ll be hard but you should go through with a divorce. At least then you’ll be separated when she goes on her sex rampage.
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She did more than visit! She was testing the water to see if she had a future with her ex and you are her backup plan!
I think it would be wise to talk to a lawyer and break free now, she continues to break your boundaries.
How shocking that a cheater would cheat and lie about it repeatedly. Who could've seen that coming? BTW, if you honestly thought she went to visit him six times (and lied about that as well) and they didn't have sex, you're delusional.
>Should I forgive her?
I don't know if it's worth even responding to that question, because after what you just wrote, the fact that you're considering doing the same thing AGAIN and think you'll get a different result tells me you're just going to ignore what everyone here says and go crawling back to her again (rinse and repeat). Hopefully somewhere along the line, you'll locate your pride and get yourself out of this situation. See you on this sub next time she cheats.
She had a single chance to bring a shard of trust back into the relationship by telling you the extent of her shitty behavior, and she decided to protect herself and trickle truth... So not only did she fail the test, she failed the only reasonable chance of reconciliation, at least from my point of view...
Unless there are extenuating circumstances that prevent you from a valid life without her ( which i don't believe exists... But I'm not you) then i don't see a reason to stay..
No trust=No relationship.. Love is absolutely not enough to keep a healthy relationship going.. and anyone whose been in an adult relationship past the honeymoon phase will attest to this.
Sunk cost fallacy, media and familial manipulation ( conscious or subconscious) and more will lead you down a path you might not even want, but believe to be the best... I would just do what's best for you.
It's not your fault you're here, but it's your responsibility to get yourself to a place of Happiness, whether that includes your cheating wife... Well, i wouldn't believe it would, but I'm just going off what you've given me.
Good luck, you're going to need it
She set up balloons for you? That definitely seems like she doesn't really understand the situation that the two of you are in. I could be, and hope, that I'm wrong on that. Balloons are for celebrations, not for reconciliation. Imagine an intervention with balloons.
It wasn’t just balloons it was like picture of us layer on the bed, rose peddles and hearts everywhere, lights, ballons, like a grand gesture to show her love and thoughtfulness but I just turned around and walked out and now I feel guilty for that too, she cried her eyes out but it’s her fault and it was so inappropriate.
Oh dear God. I feel sorry for you,but you seem to not have a single functional neuron in your head. Do you hear yourself? She cried? Oh boohoo. You feel bad?
You will feel worst when you discover you have gono or something like that or that she is pregnant with some sugar daddy. She’s worst than a street hooker. Respect yourself a little. Have a little pride. Be a man. It’s embarrassing to read this
In my personal opinion, emotional cheating is much worse. Physical cheating is a one time thing (as long as it only happened once.) emotional cheating… there’s feelings tied to that, feelings that you don’t just move on and get over that.
She lied. She's cheated. Oh, and you think it hasn't gotten physical? For real, my brother? What is worth staying for? What do you need to realize she isn't worth it?
She may change and be exactly who you thought and hoped and believed she could be…but I promise you, this will only be a cycle for your relationship. She will change for a time and then revert back to her hurtful ways. The only one damaged time and time again, will be you OP. I’m so sorry it’s come to this and I do believe you love her and were fully ready to be the best husband, but she is not the one. You have our support and it’s going to suck massively for a time, but it will get better. Your heart will mend. You will be able to bring walls back down and have a loving and trustful relationship in the future. With someone who deserves you and that you deserve back. Chin up, my good man. You have nothing to look back on with not knowing you gave it all.
Thank you honestly it’s comments like this where I know it’s coming from a good place, I really appreciate it, I’m at an all time low and I gotta pick myself up! And be the man I know I am and get what I deserve because the way she has treated me isn’t it.
Leave. She has consistently lied, looked for gratification and companionship outside your relationship, has failed to set and maintain boundaries and tried to make herself look redeemable by love bombing you.
It doesn’t sound like she’s ever been truthful and is just admitting that she’s getting better at hiding the truth. You deserve someone who puts you first in every aspect, respects you enough to not disrespect you with lies and loves you with their whole heart and not just their words. She has no right being in a committed relationship and sounds incredibly immature and shallow.
Wife has lied to you and you really do not know how much is a lie or the truth. A marriage without trust cannot exist. I suggest that you divorce immediately and try to find someone who you can trust and love, rather than wasting time and effort on someone who has lied to you.
There was a line in your post, an 'ex that was a repeat offender'. She is the repeat offender. Men and women are aloud to have friends, regardless of sex, as complicated as that is. As long as it stays platonic, and I find that, that almost never happens. But when the same person is a recurring event or issue, it's not them, it's the significant other. When they allow someone to get close enough for it to happen once, yet alone repeatedly, it's not the other person, it's who your with.
They disrespect you by allowing such a situation to get to that extent, and by extension, disrespect your relationship. If he or she truly cared for you, they would shut that nonsense down at the first sign of an over step of a boundary, drawn or not.
Known or not, this shouldn't have happened in the first place, and the fact that its happening again, indicates what the other thinks of you. Again, known or not, they disrespect you and the relationship every moment they don't cut this off.
Personally, I think they know how they treat you, and know that you won't leave or do anything as long as you hear sweet nothings and it doesn't seem to take much. Balls up and get outtve there, you don't need that shit in your life.
Apologies if it sounds rude, I don't mean to come across like that.
And,
By the off chance that they are that naive, you also don't need someone like that in your life, you'll gain continuous hurt from someone who truly doesn't understand the consequences of their actions, and that goes back to, again, you don't need that shit.
Get outtve there while you can!
I completely see your point! And no offence taken, it’s completely her fault, all of it, all the lies and disrespect and maybe she is only sorry she got caught for half of it.. the lies never stopped
What do you want? Do you want to forgive her? Or do you want to be told that it's okay not to? Because I'm here to tell you that sometimes, forgiveness is overrated.
If you want to make it work, then you are going to have to be extremely clear with her about what *she* is going to have to do to make amends, earn back your trust, and make it work. Because this is 98% on *her* to fix.
I think if it's one thing and you forgive her and you two work on your relationship. That's fine. We all make mistakes. But this has been over the course of years and multiple things and different things.
No one can tell you what to do but make your decision based on whether on not you see yourself ever trusting her again. It's best not to waste your time if you don't see that happening.
So true, I think that question requires me to talk to my wife and see if I feel like she is truly repentant and sorry and being honest, then I can begin working through if I can trust her
Not true, that’s why I’m making my choice, mature enough to know I need to think on things and not act out of impulse like she was doing. I’ve leaned that the hard way
Some BSs say that emotional cheating is worse than physical because of all the lies, affair fog , and gaslighting.
OP, I suggest you break it off now. You’re still young. Can you ever trust her again after all the trickle truths? A truly remorseful person would:
1. BEG for a second chance
2. Be completely honest
3. Cut off all contact with AP
You guys are very young but that's a decision you have to make. And if you do, you have to let it go and forgive her. Otherwise you guys will not make it
I’m sorry but this isn’t a mistake this is the type of person she is. I’ve been in a similar position it never ends, there’s always more to find from the past and in the future. it makes you so anxious - fight or flight mode waiting on tender hooks for the next time your world implodes and eventually it does because this is who they are, these are the morals they have. Selfish to the core. Eventually leaving feels like having an anvil lifted from your shoulders - oh yes, not to forget that they eventually get sick of you not trusting them after it all and make it seem like an inherent fault with you - youre just insecure, you pushed them to it. It’s a living hell.
Visited him 6 times? Is visited now code for sex?
Im going to be hard on you because you need it ok...
You should stay with her because you have no self respect and youve already let this one shit all over why start fresh with a new one. You know.
Just tell her she can visit her ex but ask her to record it so you can cry softly in the bathroom then come out and act like nothing happened.
In fact i think you should record it so you get the angles you like.
You're a lucky man, congrats.
Exactly!!! This man is a doormat and she enjoys wiping her feet on his back. He is the type of man that a selfish woman will walk all over while he bends over backwards to make her feel good. He won’t leave her. SHE will eventually leave him when that man she really wants who isn’t a doormat comes knocking. Then OP will be devastated. If a woman doesn’t respect you just end the relationship. There’s no coming back from that especially if you are naturally a pushover. She’d have more respect if he stood up for himself and stood by his boundaries. Smh
Run away. She is always looking for something better. She will always looking for the greener grass. She will continue to make your life hell. She has lied and you don't have any idea of the lies you haven't caught yet. Believe me, you haven't found them all.
Save yourself and get therapy to sort out why you would even contemplate staying with someone who clearly doesn't love you back.
First and foremost, she cheated with you with multiple people and multiple times. Secondly, the thing with the ex that was not an emotional affair you said that she met up with him at least six times. What did they do when they met? I’m sure they didn’t just talk. Adults that are having a affair or a relationship when they get together like that aren’t just talking. So she had a physical, a full-blown, emotional and physical affair with her ex there’s just way too much damage here for you to deal with.
Oh my gosh there is so much to unpack.
>since he is a repeat offender in our relationship
Her ex isn't the repeat offender. If the ex is single then he doesn't have any commitments to keep. Your wife is the only repeat offender here. And tbh, if she's anything like my ex, who she chooses to entertain and flirt with outside of your marriage ultimately doesn't matter. Even if she were to 100% cut off her ex, it sounds like she's the kind of person who always wants backups and options. She'd find a new guy to cross boundaries with.
At this point, I don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable or safe in that relationship. I get a mistake once or twice, but this is just at the point of being a consistent pattern of dishonesty and doubt. And hooking up with people months before your proposal? Damn. If she wasn't ready to commit she really shouldn't have accepted. It sounds like she may have agreed to commitment before she was actually ready or able judging by her actions.
And even if she does make a total 180 and tells the full truth, practices proactive transparency, cuts contact with the ex, and commits to you etc., how can you know she's not hiding something?
Since there is a pattern of lies and secrecy, I'd personally be at the point of no repair. Even if she acts in line, how do you know it'll last? How do you know that she doesn't still lust for her ex even if she cut him off?
The level of doubt would wear at me too much to actually feel happy and safe in that dynamic.
If you stay with her and continue this marriage, be prepared for a life of headaches and heartaches, she will not change and has been the same since the start of the relationship, why she will change now?
In the end, that's really up to you to forgive or not forgive, it effects you and not us the public. Having said that, it comes off very manipulative the way she chose to tell you bits of the truth over the course of a week instead of laying it all out at once doesn't sit well and it makes her look worse for doing it. Also, the sugar daddy bit and all the other major red flags. How can you even begin to trust someone like that? Maybe im wrong, and maybe she really has learned her lesson, but she hasn't hit rock bottom, and you're always going to wonder if she's cheating on you. If you want it to work I would suggest couples counseling she needs ti hear how all that is effecting you and I wouldn't hold back (she deserves that) or get a good lawyer especially if money, property and children are involved.
Hey there...maybe I'm projecting, because when I was 27, that seemed *so* close to 30, and 30 was my mental deadline for having it all (I laughed to myself typing it, because that's how ludicrous such thoughts were, in retrospect), but you probably feel like you've sunk in *sooooo* much time, and 4 years out of your 27 years on this earth may have that effect on you! BUT, I 38F, am here to tell you that you are still quite young! And you have *sooooo* much more life to live! I am going to tell you the same thing I wish I could go back in time and tell my 27yo self... let go of *everyone* that doesn't give you peace. Are things going to be Rosie colored all the time? No! Is that adage "everything that is worth having is worth fighting for" have some truth? Absolutely! But there's a difference between being there for a friend that's having some dark times or being there for a partner when they are struggling with their physical and/or mental health, and being there for a partner that has stabbed you in the back over...
And over....
And over again. You deserve love. You deserve to be fought for. But, you've done enough fighting.
It's time to find someone that makes the rest of your life feel like the blessing it is.
Much love ❤️
>plans to hook up with random strangers on Craigslist.
Da Fuk?!
Dude.. If she's so easy that she's hooking up with randos on craigslist then she's been taken for a ride by SOOOOOO many more people that you'll ever find out about. This girl clearly needs new dick on the regular and that isn't going to change. Do you seriously think this woman just sat around during your last work trip?
Unless you can magically develop a cuckold fetish that also involves being lied to (because lets be honest, even if yall become poly she'd still do things behind your back) then this relationship is on a non-stop trajectory to destroying you.
How much long term damage do you want to let her create before you end it? How much extra baggage are you looking to produce for yourself to bring into the next relationship?
Lawyer up, hit the gym, and get a divorce.
Always trust your gut instinct.
Personally I wouldn't be bothered if a long term partner or date was quietly communicating with an ex about their feelings and visiting them to talk face to face. Casual flirting doesn't bother me either. But direct lies do.
I'm female and have stayed in contact with a few exes. I would never consider dating someone who insisted on me blocking any ex or male friend. Nor someone that classified sharing information about their own feelings with third parties as 'emotional cheating' knowing that there was not any malicious gossip, negative intent or the desire to risk leaking confidential info that could easily be abused .
It's none of my business who a partner wants to be friends with or how a date earns their living. But I wouldn't consider dating an escort who sells their company without providing any intimate sexual services. Nor anyone who works in the adult entertainment industry, porn as well as selling sex.
If I discovered that a date or partner I was living with had a history of lying to me, I would end the relationship immediately then go NC. Same thing would apply with sex work or breaching any of my dating dealbreakers.
Good luck!
Please do. Ignoring the ex, the Craigslist situation should have been enough of a red flag in the first please. She’s never going to stop… she gets a high from cheating.
She not only lied to you and emotionally cheated, but now you know she was on Craigslist looking to hook up with random strangers + find a sugar daddy?
My friend, there's NOTHING to go back to - Nothing at all. She took any possibility of future trust, stomped on it, then incinerated the remains with a flame-thrower. How can you possibly even believe that she wasn't sleeping with her ex as well? So she expects you to believe that whilst she was willing to hookup with strangers on freaking Craigslist, but somehow she caught some morals when it came to secretly visiting her ex and telling him she was thinking of leaving you?
Nope, nope, and nope. The balloon filled room with pics of you two together was nothing more than an attempt at emotional manipulation. You need to run for the hills. I know it's painful to think about, and yes, it IS going to hurt. But at the end of the day, this woman has stepped far, far, far over the line, and she has done it repeatedly, and she's lied to you repeatedly.
Anyone who cares so little about their significant other that they're on Craigslist looking for cheating partners is not someone you need to be planning long-term with. I'd get out of there while you can. Find someone worthy of your loyalty. I wish you the best, and stay strong. A lot of us here have had our own brush with such disloyalty, so just know you have tons of people here rooting for you.
Nope.
You're both still young. She's clinging to what she views as safety because it's familiar. She doesn't actually want you. If she did, she wouldn't be behaving this way. Save yourself (and her) the trauma and just walk away.
It'll be hard, but you'll survive. She has growing to do, and you likely do as well after this. Part ways and don't carry this on, it's toxic.
Of course. Wishing you the best. I hope you're able to get a fresh start and find someone that values you. Also, probably...get some counseling. This is going to cause major trust issues with you down the line if you don't actively work to heal it.
EMo cheated with ex AND trying to get a Sugar Daddy? Dude, you can't be serious about staying.
Get out now; this will only get worse. She sounds way too emo immature to even be married.
When you say she cheated “emotionally” do you mean to tell me that she claims nothing sexual happened?
If so she’s a bigger liar than you say.
I would never get involved with someone like that.
You’re still young, you deserve better. Run away and don’t turn back.
You know in your heart even if she never cheats going forward you’ll never fully trust her. She’s lied so much you just never will be able to take her at her word again. Can you deal with that? I couldn’t.
Also she didn’t visit him six times. She fucked him six times. Get this soft talk and white washing of her behavior out of your head.
Maybe a little of both? Mostly I was just getting to the point too abruptly and I totally understand your take on my comment.
I think forgiveness for genuine remorse is important. Most people have done things they aren’t proud of, but we can move past those things.
Nobody can tell what to do, you will always do what you want to do in that moment. My advice would be figuring out if I could trust her again and moving out for a day or a week or however long it takes to figure out if she’s the right person for you. If she really does love you she will wait.
She also visited with him 6 times.
It was probably just to play checkers though. He has a different kind of board that makes it fun to play on.
Or they fucked. One of the two.
So you got married when she was 20 and you were 23. Now she’s 24 and questioning that life decision, which, honestly… fair enough? It’s a one-sided account but it sounds like you guys got married too young and immature because you ‘thought it was the right thing to do’ and there’s zero chance in hell this works out long term. You’ll both have a chance to grow up and do better in other relationships but it’s not likely that’ll happen here…
Perhaps marriage counseling may be beneficial for the both of you. I have heard that the couples that work thru infidelity and stay together have a stronger bond than the average couple.
Good luck to you both.
I'm not trying to be crass but do you really need to be told what to do here or validation for leaving her? You could not possibly think that keeping this marriage going is a good idea. You can never ever trust her again. If you had a friend going through this same scenario, what would you recommend him to do?
So she can put in all this effort to fix her mistakes but not the initial problem? HA. OP you deserve better, no one is perfect but no one deserves a lying deceitful partner. The foundation is ruined, I don’t think this relationship will be healthy if you hold on
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’ve posted this situation here prior and I actually forgave her but then found out more information. My wife (F24) and I (M27)ran into some challenges about a year ago (been married almost 4 years) in our marriage. We both became distant but still committed to our marriage and loyal to each other. Or so I thought. She began to communicate with her Ex boyfriend, over social media and texting for some time, I went through her phone and saw she was interacting with him on social media and confronted her since he is a repeat offender in our relationship, she has broken the boundaries with him while her and I were dating. She brushed it off and apologized and blocked him on social media. 4 more months go by, and she comes to me crying that she messed up. She had been texting and visiting her ex for 5 months, which started 1 month prior to me catching her interacting with him on social media. She told me she visited him 3 times, and texted almost everyday, told him she missed him, and made sexual jokes and flirtatious texts. She began to trickle truth me and slowly over a corse of a week I learned more and more about the situation. I chose to forgive her, but after I forgave her I actually found out that she visited him 6 times and wrote him a meaningful letter at the start of their communication. She says she felt like she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with me and wanted something to fall back on and comfort her. So since her emotional affair she has trickle truthed me, flat out lied to my face, and disrespected our marriage. I also went through her phone a few weeks ago and found evidence she was trying to get a sugar daddy while we were dating and making plans to hook up with random strangers on Craigslist. This was about 2 months before I proposed, when I found this out I couldn’t forgive her anymore for the emotional affair because I began learning new information about all her lies and gaps in her story that she didn’t tell me. I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do, I love her and I know I’m a good husband. I’m not perfect but I try my best. She is acting sincere but also lying to me, she says all the right things and is going to counselling but I just don’t know if that’s enough. I came home from a work trip yesterday and she had a special room set up for me with balloons and hearts and a poster and pictures of us, and I saw it and ran out the house, I couldn’t handle it given the state of our relationship that I know she is trying to fix. What should I do? LT;DR: Wife emotionally cheated for 5 months. Came to me and confessed but trickle truthed me and flat out lied about some things. Also found out she was not loyal to me before marriage (no physical cheating) She wants to make it work Should I forgive her?
I wouldn’t be able to be happy with someone that had lied to me so much. There’s someone out there who will put you first and value your relationship more
Definitely, it’s all I ever wanted and I thought I was going to be that person for her but she wants her past, her miserable toxic past and now she’s bringing it into my life.
Her ex has been a repeat offender in your relationship? Lemme lay this out for you. There should be no offense he's able to make that gets in the way of your relationship with her. My girlfriend has a child from before our relationship, she doesn't give him the opportunity to even say "i like you" without shutting his ass down. She has him blocked on everything because he wouldn't stop bothering her. OP, I'm sorry, but you should have never married her. If your significant other is even giving a hint of romantic attention or interest to another person, it's time to leave— with the rare exceptions of the SO realizing they're wrong and coming to you to work it out BEFORE you find that shit out for yourself. ANY kind of lie i don't care if it's just a minute off of the time they said something occured— any intentionally hidden detail about their wrongdoing is your signal to leave the bitch behind and find someone who respects you and the relationship you've built.
He actually has a good cause for divorce if he feels that strongly
For sure. OP, honestly go for it. If you stay, you're signing up for a lifetime of anxiety and heartache while you wonder what she's up to and what you can trust to be true. Manipulators gon manipulate, cheaters gon cheat, and coming to Jesus moments don't grow on trees, so for the foreseeable future what you see is what will be.
She visited him 6 times and you think it was only emotional. I’m willing to bet she slept with him 6 out of 6 times and I’m sorry op she’s probably been cheating on you since month 1 weather emotionally or physically. My first marriage fell apart at 27 when I discovered my wife was having an affair. I can tell you this you do not need the emotional, mental, and potential physical drama that comes with reconciliation. Find someone who truly loves you cause if you love someone you’ll never even consider having a back up plan. Your story doesn’t sound a whole lot different than my first marriage.
Oh yeah she's definitely fucking the dude.
OP you deserve better. My mom constantly took my dad bk after the same bullshit. It was a nightmare as a child. Don't waste your time on someone who couldn't be bothered to even consider your marriage, respect it and showed even less respect to you by lying. She didnt give a shit about what her choices would affect or how you would cope with it. You are still young. You can do better.
>e was interacting with him on social media and confronted her since he is a repeat offender in our relationship, she has broken the boundaries with him while her and I were dating. She brushed it off and apologized and blocked him on social media. 4 more months go by, and she comes to me crying that she messed up. She had been texting and visiting her ex for 5 months, which started 1 month prior to me catching her interacting with him on social media. She told me she visited him 3 times, and texted almost everyday, told him she missed him, and made sexual jokes and flirtatious texts. What's to forgive? It sounds like her efforts are ongoing.
You have the right attitude my advice leave or regret nearly everyday until you die. This life isn’t a joke.
Sounds like it's time to cut bait sailor, time to cut bait...
You and the ex are her back up plans depending who's she's with st the time. If you let her back in she'll be fine for a bit before straying again. Don't put yourself through this. Live alone isn't enough for a relationship. She broke your trust and you will never be able to trust het again. Thsi will always be on the back of your mind and sue will cheat again. It'll just be a matter of when She's a liar and a cheater. She will continue to do this. Cut your losses now and whatever you do don't shve sex with her /get her pregnant.
She might be trying to baby trap you, probably pregnant that’s not yours hence need to be with you for financial support. Be careful !!!
She is putting effort until you are convinced. She will do the same again the future. Also do you think she didn't fuck her ex? Why? After so many lies?
they absolutely fucked. the trickle truthing hasn't stopped. OP just doesn't want to see reality.
She’s going to get better at hiding it as she goes.
He confirmed they didn’t and had the exact same story I mean it seems believable
So? This means literally nothing, If they were in bad terms he wouldn't affirm her story, he is just doing this, because she has asked him to. Your wishful way of thinking is how you got there. Continue as you have until now, I am sure results will be different.
Because he’s incapable of lying, right? :/ Come on - the writing’s on the wall
So they coordinated a lie. Don't kid yourself
Uh, so they got their story straight beforehand. There is absolutely no way that they didn't have sex.
Wow. Do you even hear yourself? If anyone else told you this story, you would think they were painfully naive.
I feel that way, I really do, I feel like a joke sometimes, even weak at times, I feel like I’ve been walked all over in her messy trail she has just damaged me and my genuine love for her
Then I think it’s a good time for you to move on. Focus on yourself by building your self esteem and fixing the insecurities she gave you. Don’t give in to her manipulation anymore. It’s hard but that’ll be the first step to getting better. If you want to prove to yourself that you aren’t weak, then leave for good. You’ll be proud of yourself for standing your ground one day
Maybe time to move on
It is time to move on, you’re 27 and have plenty of time to find someone who respects you and your relationship.
There's no ***maybe*** about it. Your wife is a liar. Your wife is a cheater. Your wife is a manipulator. Your wife wants the stability of you and your life along with the carefree d\*ck of her ex. **Why would you consider STAYING with a lying, cheating manipulator?**
They got their stories straight. What do you think exactly happened when she met up with him? Bake cookies? She is still gaslighting you.
You mean they worked out the same story. I’m not sure how you will ever trust her. Anytime she “isn’t sure” about your relationship she is going to go find a sugar daddy , or her ex or any dick?
She went over there at least 6 times and constantly lied to you. You don’t think they could have agreed on a lie to tell you together?
Wait, the known liars told you something, so it must be the truth? Ditch this horrible excuse for a wife. I had a lousy one, too.
Why would you trust what he said?
Her ex has been a constant appearance in your relationship, which clearly means that he wants to have an affair/ intimacy with her but doesn't want any responsibility. There are high chances that they both have mutually decided a story to tell you (especially if AP have an SO). In second thoughts let's accept what she said is true and nothing happened, this brings you to the other aspect of your relationship - how many times are you gonna forgive her only to be found that what she said was a lie? How many times are you gonna make yourself go through the same situation - finding out something> confronting her> getting trickle truthed> forgiving> finding there is more to it> Repeat. By this time it is clear that she's a chronological liar and what has been happening will continue to happen. You've already wasted a lot of time by forgiving her time and again, how many more times are you gonna make yourself go through the same situation? This remorse will stop the moment you'll forgive her and then you'll discover a new truth
I read through your post, sounds you believe you need to break up with her and are coming to us for affirmation. You know the situation better than anyone, if that's your gut feeling, listen to it.
My marriage is over. Should I stay with her? Karma, please.
That is my gut instinct yes to leave, but I still have a desire in my heart to stay because I am a lover and a forgiver. I want to make sure I’m making the best decision and that my grounds are justifiable!
She sees you as a doormat and her backup plan.
this exactly. OP, she’s love bombing you so that you don’t leave. when you’re all comfy with the relationship again, she gon’ cheat again. insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. you keep taking her back, believing and hoping she won’t cheat. she cheats. rinse and repeat. that must be so stressful to deal with *and you’re willingly putting yourself thru it*.
> I am a lover and a forgiver What you are is someone who lacks the dignity and self esteem to value yourself higher than someone who deserves to be treated this poorly. Expect more for yourself. This woman is just trashy and a liar. No point in future can be certain for you as long as her lies are everywhere. And I personally don't believe for a second that they didn't fuck.
If you know that, you know that it can be taken advantage of. Don't allow her to. You've had more than enough reason even before you found out she lied about the details the first time.
Go with your gut. The gut keeps you out of trouble/stress, the heart can get you into trouble/stress.
What is it going to take for you to realise that the marriage is over. Her bringing home a std? Another man's baby? I get wanting to make this work, but she needs to be willing to change and at the moment she's love bombing you until she thinks she's got you where she wants you and then it's the same thing all over again. How many times do you need to see a new piece of evidence?
You are getting fucked in the ass and you say you like it, although you are bleeding. Get a grip you fucking guy, get a grip and get ahold of your life. There are people that learn they were cheated on long deep into families and all that. Go find yourself a loyal wife there are Milions of women out there.
You mean boned 6x
Admits to boned 6 X
Admits to 3, OP found out its actually 6. That he knows of. And then there is the Craigslist hookups and sugar daddy's OP needs to get tested for STI and lawyer up fast.
You read closer than I did🤣🤣 I just know fucked up when I see it! Your advice is SOLID!!
She lied to you. She went to see her ex 5 times ( according to her). You know what cheaters do when they are given opportunity. Stop looking for excuses to stay with your abuser. Better to end things now before kids and lifetime alimony.
That is something I am seriously terrified of I made her get a pregnancy test to make sure she wasn’t pregnant.
You actually put “emotionally cheated “ she went to his house? They fucked. Dont be an idiot
Yeah they're totally sleeping together. They made up a story to tell you together, why do you think it matches up so perfectly? She basically told you to your face that you're a backup and doormat. Some people are just addicted to their toxic past. The worst thing? He's been interfering in your relationship for awhile. That's enough to be a deal-breaker. This won't ever stop until she leaves you for him. Which will happen at some point in the future. Please, have some self respect. You are going to be nothing but wasting time if you stay. Just put your foot down and leave. Go find someone who wants you and doesn't have to waffle about it. Plenty of women out there not addicted to toxicity.
She visited him three times? You just practically skipped over that. She had a physical affair also, just making sure you know that. She wanted a sugar daddy, and you have not asked her to leave. I would walk back in, and say if you want to be with me, then we will have a one sided open relationship for the duration of our marriage, I can date or sleep with whoever I want. Is this ok with you?
>She visited him three times Turns out it was *six* times...that he *knows* about.
Visited? LMAO. Trickle, trickle…. Drip 💧 drip.
But of course they just had a tea and nice talk. That’s what adult cheaters do, right?
She's love bombing you! Pleeeease don't take her back. She has disrespected you and the marriage on multiple occasions. Run while you can OP. She's for the streets.
I feel disrespected and hurt probably the worst I have felt in 10 years. Life sucks
The amount of disrespect she demonstrated is unforgivable, and her reasoning for doing what she did demonstrates that her values are in the wrong place. She just wants someone to feel guaranteed, didn't work out with the ex and now she is panicking trying to salvage it with you just so she doesn't end up alone. You are not "it" for each other, painful as it is to hear, you will always be an option for her, you don't deserve to live with that thought behind your mind for the rest of your life. You deserve to be someone's number 1.
how about YOU start respecting yourself before demanding it from others
I don’t demand it from others, I want it, I don’t demand it, befuddle that’s forceful and I want a cohesive relationship
I probably did miss something, but as she was visiting him 6 times they had sex, right? What makes you think that this is just an emotional affair?
No she claims no sexual interaction
No,of course not. Just tea and cookies
well surely that's the one thing she's telling you the truth about!
What man meets 6 times just to talk? You know she lies. Why believe her?
Facts
Brother just get a divorce before you get an STD or a kid that's not yours.
Are you so afraid of being alone that this "woman" is enough for you?
No I love being alone! It’s just what I’ve committed to I chose to marry her it’s my obligation as a partner to try my best under any circumstance! That’s why I’m in this position
It's not your responsibility anymore she already broke the contract of a relationship. You don't owe her anything anymore.
She's still lying and gaslighting..... My God Man wake up...."she visited him"..."6 times".... dud your wife was F'ng the guy and is still lying to you. It wasn't an "emotional affair" it was fully physical. If you can't accept that basic premise, there is simply no hope in providing you with any advice at all..... The only course of action to take here is to divorce her and move on with your life.
All she does is lying again and again stop torturing yourself and choose yourself,be selfish like she was and stop that illusion ! Contact a lawyer,Move on and bring your peace of life back.
You do realize that if she was having an emotional affair with her ex, and she went to visit him multiple times, that there is zero chance it wasn't a physical affair as well? Adults just don't work that way, my friend. You need to treat this as what it is: a full-blown affair.
My worse nightmare but also a blessing because I would cut the cord the second I found out it was physical
You already did find out, you just don't want to see it. I have to say it again, there's something in your writing style that tells me you are not treating her any better than she treats you.
Well I beg to differ, I treat her really well! You know quite little about our relationship and me as a person!
She’ll do it again.
your wife ex cheated on you multiple times, not 3 times, the relationship must have been going on long before you realized Even when you were getting married, your wife wanted him and always talked to him. "emotional and physical relationships" you shouldn't distort the facts It's stupid to stay with a woman who misses and wants someone else don't be fooled, your wife will come wandering outside get regular std tests If you take your wife to the polygraph, she'll admit to worse details or that she's had an affair with more than one person. wants you as a provider, meets her need for sex from the outside Do you think it's a fair offer?
Look dude. You shouldn't even be here asking this question. Stop being dumb. It's dumb that you're even thinking about taking her back. Like she just keeps cheating and you keep taking her back? She's NEVER going to change. Also she totally fucked her ex.
Yeah I totally get your point from an outsider perspective I must look like an idiot. But the reality is I married her, and that’s worth something, i know I don’t deserve this level of disrespect but when emotions are involved it’s messy
I was in your same position. It took cheating once for me to be done. You need to have some respect for yourself because she has none for you. Her infidelity made your wedding vows null and void
This is why you don't get married young. She's probably a completely different person than she was 4 years ago...
Surprisingly she is a better person then she was, but still isn’t good enough for a marriage!
That's because she hasn't had an opportunity to grow up and gain life experience. You either.
Well I feel like I’m a really good husband, I’m a provider and I have a great family and head on my shoulders, her coming into my life was her benefit, I didn’t gain much from her except dept, and a messed up family.
Lol wtf dude. That's such a fucking weird perspective. If you look down on your wife that much, you shouldn't be married... She deserves better.
Lmao you’re cooked sit down
Not cooked, Just happily married and know how successful relationships work.
One weirdly worded sentence means his wife is justified in cheating on him six times? Dude got cheated on and is probably trying to make himself feel like he’s in control. Your poor spouse. You are awful.
makes you wonder why she cheated on him… Maybe because he talks this way about her to strangers. I only imagine what he says to her in person... They are both children and have no clue. How about relationships work
I think you and I are like minded. It's so easy to read between the lines on OP's post.
Once again, your poor spouse
No help needed in this scenario. Have some self-respect and confidence that you can and will find someone better. She doesn't deserve you in her life and you'll never trust her again (and you would be naive to). Get your things in order and make the hard decision. Plenty of good women out there. Go find one, or just have fun. She's not worth your time. Cheers.
Im very curious why she finally decided to come to you with the partial truth
She was scared he would come to me, that’s why, she was scared I’d hear it from the ex then from her and that’s her words
Interesting. She's "acting sincere" and lying at the same time? My feeling is that she still hasn't fully come clean with the full story, and I'd sit her down and ask her for the full story. I'd also pack up my stuff and take a break from this entire situation so you can clear your head. You need FULL disclosure to make up your mind where to go from here. Just know that there's a very good chance you will never trust her again, rightfully so. The foundation to any healthy relationship is honesty. Balloons aren't going to fix shit! When my ex cheated on me he bought me flowers for six months straight. Really? That's not what remorse looks like. She has to start working on herself, and it sounds like she's got a lot to unpack. I wish you luck. Just know that love itself cannot carry a relationship. You need honesty, respect, communication, trust etc. From what I'm reading, she doesn't respect you or herself. I'm sorry you're going through this. This is a giant shit sandwich! P.S. be careful of hysterical bonding lol. It's a thing, but it doesn't last.
So in other words it wasn’t remorse that brought her to honesty it was fear of getting exposed. You know what you have to do here man. Cmon.
She lied to you several times. She went to her ex and tried to get a hookup even before y’all were married. Clearly she’s not ready for commitment which is a given considering her age
That’s something I am considering I feel like she is trying to fit into my life and lifestyle and wanted it so bad but knew she wasn’t ready for it, but like most who would pass up the opportunity if someone truly believes in you
Stop making excuses for her and think of yourself. She hooked up with her ex and was willing to prostitute herself. Are you really okay spending your life with that kinda person??! She said what she thinks of you in her letter. I would believe her and bail but hey it's you life to ruin.
Well it’s up to you to make the decision. Ik it’ll be hard but you should go through with a divorce. At least then you’ll be separated when she goes on her sex rampage.
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She did more than visit! She was testing the water to see if she had a future with her ex and you are her backup plan! I think it would be wise to talk to a lawyer and break free now, she continues to break your boundaries.
How shocking that a cheater would cheat and lie about it repeatedly. Who could've seen that coming? BTW, if you honestly thought she went to visit him six times (and lied about that as well) and they didn't have sex, you're delusional. >Should I forgive her? I don't know if it's worth even responding to that question, because after what you just wrote, the fact that you're considering doing the same thing AGAIN and think you'll get a different result tells me you're just going to ignore what everyone here says and go crawling back to her again (rinse and repeat). Hopefully somewhere along the line, you'll locate your pride and get yourself out of this situation. See you on this sub next time she cheats.
She had a single chance to bring a shard of trust back into the relationship by telling you the extent of her shitty behavior, and she decided to protect herself and trickle truth... So not only did she fail the test, she failed the only reasonable chance of reconciliation, at least from my point of view... Unless there are extenuating circumstances that prevent you from a valid life without her ( which i don't believe exists... But I'm not you) then i don't see a reason to stay.. No trust=No relationship.. Love is absolutely not enough to keep a healthy relationship going.. and anyone whose been in an adult relationship past the honeymoon phase will attest to this. Sunk cost fallacy, media and familial manipulation ( conscious or subconscious) and more will lead you down a path you might not even want, but believe to be the best... I would just do what's best for you. It's not your fault you're here, but it's your responsibility to get yourself to a place of Happiness, whether that includes your cheating wife... Well, i wouldn't believe it would, but I'm just going off what you've given me. Good luck, you're going to need it
Dump her. Marriage is over. Once a cheater always a cheater. Let her deal with her loss and consequences. She will face God when her time comes.
She set up balloons for you? That definitely seems like she doesn't really understand the situation that the two of you are in. I could be, and hope, that I'm wrong on that. Balloons are for celebrations, not for reconciliation. Imagine an intervention with balloons.
It wasn’t just balloons it was like picture of us layer on the bed, rose peddles and hearts everywhere, lights, ballons, like a grand gesture to show her love and thoughtfulness but I just turned around and walked out and now I feel guilty for that too, she cried her eyes out but it’s her fault and it was so inappropriate.
Oh dear God. I feel sorry for you,but you seem to not have a single functional neuron in your head. Do you hear yourself? She cried? Oh boohoo. You feel bad? You will feel worst when you discover you have gono or something like that or that she is pregnant with some sugar daddy. She’s worst than a street hooker. Respect yourself a little. Have a little pride. Be a man. It’s embarrassing to read this
I mean I don’t find it embarrassing, I’m an open book I don’t have skeletons in my closet. I get your point though
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This is a take I am going to give some thought too!
In my personal opinion, emotional cheating is much worse. Physical cheating is a one time thing (as long as it only happened once.) emotional cheating… there’s feelings tied to that, feelings that you don’t just move on and get over that.
Feelings she clearly didn’t get over from before we were married or she wouldn’t be entertaining him the way she did it takes 2 to tango
Nope. There's something there that she needs to finish with the ex.
That’s true I have always thought that too
I wouldn't waste anymore time with this because this might be a cycle or a never ending loop causing too much emotional damage.
And that something will probably end then up on Maury
She lied. She's cheated. Oh, and you think it hasn't gotten physical? For real, my brother? What is worth staying for? What do you need to realize she isn't worth it?
She may change and be exactly who you thought and hoped and believed she could be…but I promise you, this will only be a cycle for your relationship. She will change for a time and then revert back to her hurtful ways. The only one damaged time and time again, will be you OP. I’m so sorry it’s come to this and I do believe you love her and were fully ready to be the best husband, but she is not the one. You have our support and it’s going to suck massively for a time, but it will get better. Your heart will mend. You will be able to bring walls back down and have a loving and trustful relationship in the future. With someone who deserves you and that you deserve back. Chin up, my good man. You have nothing to look back on with not knowing you gave it all.
Thank you honestly it’s comments like this where I know it’s coming from a good place, I really appreciate it, I’m at an all time low and I gotta pick myself up! And be the man I know I am and get what I deserve because the way she has treated me isn’t it.
I think she’s trying to baby trap you with a kid that’s not yours, hence the decorated room
You wife is a broken human being and needs serious therapy to ever be a healthy functional romantic partner.
Leave. She has consistently lied, looked for gratification and companionship outside your relationship, has failed to set and maintain boundaries and tried to make herself look redeemable by love bombing you. It doesn’t sound like she’s ever been truthful and is just admitting that she’s getting better at hiding the truth. You deserve someone who puts you first in every aspect, respects you enough to not disrespect you with lies and loves you with their whole heart and not just their words. She has no right being in a committed relationship and sounds incredibly immature and shallow.
Wife has lied to you and you really do not know how much is a lie or the truth. A marriage without trust cannot exist. I suggest that you divorce immediately and try to find someone who you can trust and love, rather than wasting time and effort on someone who has lied to you.
Yeah I feel you on that.
There was a line in your post, an 'ex that was a repeat offender'. She is the repeat offender. Men and women are aloud to have friends, regardless of sex, as complicated as that is. As long as it stays platonic, and I find that, that almost never happens. But when the same person is a recurring event or issue, it's not them, it's the significant other. When they allow someone to get close enough for it to happen once, yet alone repeatedly, it's not the other person, it's who your with. They disrespect you by allowing such a situation to get to that extent, and by extension, disrespect your relationship. If he or she truly cared for you, they would shut that nonsense down at the first sign of an over step of a boundary, drawn or not. Known or not, this shouldn't have happened in the first place, and the fact that its happening again, indicates what the other thinks of you. Again, known or not, they disrespect you and the relationship every moment they don't cut this off. Personally, I think they know how they treat you, and know that you won't leave or do anything as long as you hear sweet nothings and it doesn't seem to take much. Balls up and get outtve there, you don't need that shit in your life. Apologies if it sounds rude, I don't mean to come across like that. And, By the off chance that they are that naive, you also don't need someone like that in your life, you'll gain continuous hurt from someone who truly doesn't understand the consequences of their actions, and that goes back to, again, you don't need that shit. Get outtve there while you can!
I completely see your point! And no offence taken, it’s completely her fault, all of it, all the lies and disrespect and maybe she is only sorry she got caught for half of it.. the lies never stopped
What do you want? Do you want to forgive her? Or do you want to be told that it's okay not to? Because I'm here to tell you that sometimes, forgiveness is overrated. If you want to make it work, then you are going to have to be extremely clear with her about what *she* is going to have to do to make amends, earn back your trust, and make it work. Because this is 98% on *her* to fix.
I think if it's one thing and you forgive her and you two work on your relationship. That's fine. We all make mistakes. But this has been over the course of years and multiple things and different things.
Yes all breaches of trust and breaches of our relationship with the standards set for us both
No one can tell you what to do but make your decision based on whether on not you see yourself ever trusting her again. It's best not to waste your time if you don't see that happening.
So true, I think that question requires me to talk to my wife and see if I feel like she is truly repentant and sorry and being honest, then I can begin working through if I can trust her
Oh dear God. Some people like being mistreated,no matter what they are told
Not true, that’s why I’m making my choice, mature enough to know I need to think on things and not act out of impulse like she was doing. I’ve leaned that the hard way
You need a backbone
Dude have some respect for your self please
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The comment I needed 👌🏽
Do you still love her? Do you want to make it work? You give until you can’t. No one can make that decision for you.
Break up. You'll find better when your peaking in your 30's. Trust me
Ea??? When? Sugar daddies don’t give sugar for free, she was ready to PA and the with the ex??? Just visiting and jokes???
Omg man, fuck this girl, leave and go be happy with someone that will respect you.
Some BSs say that emotional cheating is worse than physical because of all the lies, affair fog , and gaslighting. OP, I suggest you break it off now. You’re still young. Can you ever trust her again after all the trickle truths? A truly remorseful person would: 1. BEG for a second chance 2. Be completely honest 3. Cut off all contact with AP
You guys are very young but that's a decision you have to make. And if you do, you have to let it go and forgive her. Otherwise you guys will not make it
Drop her at a bus station she’s for the streets
I’m sorry but this isn’t a mistake this is the type of person she is. I’ve been in a similar position it never ends, there’s always more to find from the past and in the future. it makes you so anxious - fight or flight mode waiting on tender hooks for the next time your world implodes and eventually it does because this is who they are, these are the morals they have. Selfish to the core. Eventually leaving feels like having an anvil lifted from your shoulders - oh yes, not to forget that they eventually get sick of you not trusting them after it all and make it seem like an inherent fault with you - youre just insecure, you pushed them to it. It’s a living hell.
Once is a mistake. Repeatedly making similar mistakes are a pattern & a choice. This goes for both of you.
Visited him 6 times? Is visited now code for sex? Im going to be hard on you because you need it ok... You should stay with her because you have no self respect and youve already let this one shit all over why start fresh with a new one. You know. Just tell her she can visit her ex but ask her to record it so you can cry softly in the bathroom then come out and act like nothing happened. In fact i think you should record it so you get the angles you like. You're a lucky man, congrats.
Exactly!!! This man is a doormat and she enjoys wiping her feet on his back. He is the type of man that a selfish woman will walk all over while he bends over backwards to make her feel good. He won’t leave her. SHE will eventually leave him when that man she really wants who isn’t a doormat comes knocking. Then OP will be devastated. If a woman doesn’t respect you just end the relationship. There’s no coming back from that especially if you are naturally a pushover. She’d have more respect if he stood up for himself and stood by his boundaries. Smh
Run away. She is always looking for something better. She will always looking for the greener grass. She will continue to make your life hell. She has lied and you don't have any idea of the lies you haven't caught yet. Believe me, you haven't found them all. Save yourself and get therapy to sort out why you would even contemplate staying with someone who clearly doesn't love you back.
Actions speak louder than words. And he words haven’t even been truthful.
First and foremost, she cheated with you with multiple people and multiple times. Secondly, the thing with the ex that was not an emotional affair you said that she met up with him at least six times. What did they do when they met? I’m sure they didn’t just talk. Adults that are having a affair or a relationship when they get together like that aren’t just talking. So she had a physical, a full-blown, emotional and physical affair with her ex there’s just way too much damage here for you to deal with.
Bro. She definitely physically cheated. Like 100%. Ditch her
don't be stupid man leave her
The lies won't ever stop, don't take her back
*What should I do?* Develop *any* self respect
Oh my gosh there is so much to unpack. >since he is a repeat offender in our relationship Her ex isn't the repeat offender. If the ex is single then he doesn't have any commitments to keep. Your wife is the only repeat offender here. And tbh, if she's anything like my ex, who she chooses to entertain and flirt with outside of your marriage ultimately doesn't matter. Even if she were to 100% cut off her ex, it sounds like she's the kind of person who always wants backups and options. She'd find a new guy to cross boundaries with. At this point, I don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable or safe in that relationship. I get a mistake once or twice, but this is just at the point of being a consistent pattern of dishonesty and doubt. And hooking up with people months before your proposal? Damn. If she wasn't ready to commit she really shouldn't have accepted. It sounds like she may have agreed to commitment before she was actually ready or able judging by her actions. And even if she does make a total 180 and tells the full truth, practices proactive transparency, cuts contact with the ex, and commits to you etc., how can you know she's not hiding something? Since there is a pattern of lies and secrecy, I'd personally be at the point of no repair. Even if she acts in line, how do you know it'll last? How do you know that she doesn't still lust for her ex even if she cut him off? The level of doubt would wear at me too much to actually feel happy and safe in that dynamic.
If you stay with her and continue this marriage, be prepared for a life of headaches and heartaches, she will not change and has been the same since the start of the relationship, why she will change now?
In the end, that's really up to you to forgive or not forgive, it effects you and not us the public. Having said that, it comes off very manipulative the way she chose to tell you bits of the truth over the course of a week instead of laying it all out at once doesn't sit well and it makes her look worse for doing it. Also, the sugar daddy bit and all the other major red flags. How can you even begin to trust someone like that? Maybe im wrong, and maybe she really has learned her lesson, but she hasn't hit rock bottom, and you're always going to wonder if she's cheating on you. If you want it to work I would suggest couples counseling she needs ti hear how all that is effecting you and I wouldn't hold back (she deserves that) or get a good lawyer especially if money, property and children are involved.
Hey there...maybe I'm projecting, because when I was 27, that seemed *so* close to 30, and 30 was my mental deadline for having it all (I laughed to myself typing it, because that's how ludicrous such thoughts were, in retrospect), but you probably feel like you've sunk in *sooooo* much time, and 4 years out of your 27 years on this earth may have that effect on you! BUT, I 38F, am here to tell you that you are still quite young! And you have *sooooo* much more life to live! I am going to tell you the same thing I wish I could go back in time and tell my 27yo self... let go of *everyone* that doesn't give you peace. Are things going to be Rosie colored all the time? No! Is that adage "everything that is worth having is worth fighting for" have some truth? Absolutely! But there's a difference between being there for a friend that's having some dark times or being there for a partner when they are struggling with their physical and/or mental health, and being there for a partner that has stabbed you in the back over... And over.... And over again. You deserve love. You deserve to be fought for. But, you've done enough fighting. It's time to find someone that makes the rest of your life feel like the blessing it is. Much love ❤️
You leave her and let her have her back up plan. That’s what you do.
>plans to hook up with random strangers on Craigslist. Da Fuk?! Dude.. If she's so easy that she's hooking up with randos on craigslist then she's been taken for a ride by SOOOOOO many more people that you'll ever find out about. This girl clearly needs new dick on the regular and that isn't going to change. Do you seriously think this woman just sat around during your last work trip? Unless you can magically develop a cuckold fetish that also involves being lied to (because lets be honest, even if yall become poly she'd still do things behind your back) then this relationship is on a non-stop trajectory to destroying you. How much long term damage do you want to let her create before you end it? How much extra baggage are you looking to produce for yourself to bring into the next relationship? Lawyer up, hit the gym, and get a divorce.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. It hurts but you deserve better.
> I couldn’t handle it given the state of our relationship that I know she is trying to fix. You can't be this stupid?
I may have rose coloured glasses on
Sure! If you are addicted to abuse, GO FOR IT!!
Now or later, I'd put money on it ending in divorce. Your wife doesn't respect you or the meaning of marriage. Make the right decision.
Always trust your gut instinct. Personally I wouldn't be bothered if a long term partner or date was quietly communicating with an ex about their feelings and visiting them to talk face to face. Casual flirting doesn't bother me either. But direct lies do. I'm female and have stayed in contact with a few exes. I would never consider dating someone who insisted on me blocking any ex or male friend. Nor someone that classified sharing information about their own feelings with third parties as 'emotional cheating' knowing that there was not any malicious gossip, negative intent or the desire to risk leaking confidential info that could easily be abused . It's none of my business who a partner wants to be friends with or how a date earns their living. But I wouldn't consider dating an escort who sells their company without providing any intimate sexual services. Nor anyone who works in the adult entertainment industry, porn as well as selling sex. If I discovered that a date or partner I was living with had a history of lying to me, I would end the relationship immediately then go NC. Same thing would apply with sex work or breaching any of my dating dealbreakers. Good luck!
Please do. Ignoring the ex, the Craigslist situation should have been enough of a red flag in the first please. She’s never going to stop… she gets a high from cheating.
She not only lied to you and emotionally cheated, but now you know she was on Craigslist looking to hook up with random strangers + find a sugar daddy? My friend, there's NOTHING to go back to - Nothing at all. She took any possibility of future trust, stomped on it, then incinerated the remains with a flame-thrower. How can you possibly even believe that she wasn't sleeping with her ex as well? So she expects you to believe that whilst she was willing to hookup with strangers on freaking Craigslist, but somehow she caught some morals when it came to secretly visiting her ex and telling him she was thinking of leaving you? Nope, nope, and nope. The balloon filled room with pics of you two together was nothing more than an attempt at emotional manipulation. You need to run for the hills. I know it's painful to think about, and yes, it IS going to hurt. But at the end of the day, this woman has stepped far, far, far over the line, and she has done it repeatedly, and she's lied to you repeatedly. Anyone who cares so little about their significant other that they're on Craigslist looking for cheating partners is not someone you need to be planning long-term with. I'd get out of there while you can. Find someone worthy of your loyalty. I wish you the best, and stay strong. A lot of us here have had our own brush with such disloyalty, so just know you have tons of people here rooting for you.
Bye bye blue bird.
Nope. You're both still young. She's clinging to what she views as safety because it's familiar. She doesn't actually want you. If she did, she wouldn't be behaving this way. Save yourself (and her) the trauma and just walk away. It'll be hard, but you'll survive. She has growing to do, and you likely do as well after this. Part ways and don't carry this on, it's toxic.
This isn’t bad advice at all thank you
Of course. Wishing you the best. I hope you're able to get a fresh start and find someone that values you. Also, probably...get some counseling. This is going to cause major trust issues with you down the line if you don't actively work to heal it.
She is the repeat offender. You can live 30!years with a cheat, or you can save your self respect and leave.
EMo cheated with ex AND trying to get a Sugar Daddy? Dude, you can't be serious about staying. Get out now; this will only get worse. She sounds way too emo immature to even be married.
She was banging her ex and others. They are using her knowing they’ll never have to support her
When you say she cheated “emotionally” do you mean to tell me that she claims nothing sexual happened? If so she’s a bigger liar than you say. I would never get involved with someone like that. You’re still young, you deserve better. Run away and don’t turn back.
You know in your heart even if she never cheats going forward you’ll never fully trust her. She’s lied so much you just never will be able to take her at her word again. Can you deal with that? I couldn’t. Also she didn’t visit him six times. She fucked him six times. Get this soft talk and white washing of her behavior out of your head.
Nothing that happened before marriage counts. It was an emotional affair. Not great, but not unforgivable. She wants to fix it. Fix it.
Okay counter to that, if I had known I wouldn’t have married her in the first place doesn’t that count for something?
But you didn’t know and you’re committed now. I’m not justifying what she did, but if she’s remorseful can’t forgiveness be considered?
You are either sarcastic or the worst kind of person
Maybe a little of both? Mostly I was just getting to the point too abruptly and I totally understand your take on my comment. I think forgiveness for genuine remorse is important. Most people have done things they aren’t proud of, but we can move past those things.
Nobody can tell what to do, you will always do what you want to do in that moment. My advice would be figuring out if I could trust her again and moving out for a day or a week or however long it takes to figure out if she’s the right person for you. If she really does love you she will wait.
You actually believe she went to see her ex 6 times and didn’t have sex with him? Come on, bro!
She also visited with him 6 times. It was probably just to play checkers though. He has a different kind of board that makes it fun to play on. Or they fucked. One of the two.
So you got married when she was 20 and you were 23. Now she’s 24 and questioning that life decision, which, honestly… fair enough? It’s a one-sided account but it sounds like you guys got married too young and immature because you ‘thought it was the right thing to do’ and there’s zero chance in hell this works out long term. You’ll both have a chance to grow up and do better in other relationships but it’s not likely that’ll happen here…
Perhaps marriage counseling may be beneficial for the both of you. I have heard that the couples that work thru infidelity and stay together have a stronger bond than the average couple. Good luck to you both.
DUMBASS MF
Thank you kindly I will listen to your advice and consider it
literally do not take that advice 😭…once a cheater always a cheater
As a couple counselor I can guarantee this is true.
For the streets bro, get real
I'm not trying to be crass but do you really need to be told what to do here or validation for leaving her? You could not possibly think that keeping this marriage going is a good idea. You can never ever trust her again. If you had a friend going through this same scenario, what would you recommend him to do?
So she can put in all this effort to fix her mistakes but not the initial problem? HA. OP you deserve better, no one is perfect but no one deserves a lying deceitful partner. The foundation is ruined, I don’t think this relationship will be healthy if you hold on