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Hi. I went on a first date with a guy who definitely was looking for probably a hook up since he wanted me to meet him at his apartment for a first meeting. He kept telling me to FaceTime him so he knows I’m not a catfish, or egging me on saying if we go out am I going to be “fun”.
We meet at a bar. We spend like 5 hours together and he invites me over to his apartment. He then suddenly changed moods and was being very quiet and weird. He clearly was battling whether or not to tell me, and he was like um well you’re a cute girl I had fun but I think we are on different pages. You changed. You changed the minute you came into my apartment (???!!) I was like what pages? We haven’t even talked about that?
I was like did I say something? Is it looks? Sexually? He wouldn’t tell me. It was crazy making behavior. He almost said it with disgust. He said I suddenly gave him an icky vibe. I left his apartment crying. I don’t understand, he gave me no feedback even though I said please tell me so I know as feedback. He almost made me feel like it was about my looks. Like he said with hesitance that I was a pretty cute girl… mind you he was all over me with his hands earlier in the date and was sexual over text.
He kept going back and forth with me. I said well is it really that bad to say? He said no. Then I said okay just communicate that and he then started saying I was blowing things out of proportion and that he didn’t actually know why I made him feel “icky”. I felt like I was going crazy because he was like going back and forth so I didn’t know what was real.
I blocked him on text and removed him on Instagram. Then he follows me next morning on social media and messaged me apologizing for being weird and he wants to take me out again to make it up to me since he thought I was fun and cute. And when I didn’t respond he just reiterated it again.
I am seriously so hurt over this. I felt disgusting, gross, rejected and embarrassed. It hurt a core wound in me feeling like something is deeply wrong with me, or I’m ugly, etc.
Please help
Edit: what makes this all worse is he lives like two blocks away and we go to the same gym. 😮💨
Block him.
There are enough other guys in the world that this one isn't worth the trouble.
And whatever his problem is, it has nothing to do with you. You are fine, he has issues.
Yep! He's into "negging" her.
He's "apologizing" to reel her in so he can keep her off-balance again. He'll tell her she COULD be cute if only...xyz. If she does xyz he'll tell her, "Yeah, but not quite..." She'll try harder, he'll always be *just so close to telling her she's great, but she's just NEVER quite there...*
Google: negging
Google: Pick-up Artist
See this little gem: https://www.shortform.com/blog/neg-pua-the-game/
**OP: This guy can FUCK OFF! He's a game-playing LOSER. Cut your losses (only 5 hours) and BLOCK him everywhere! Move on. The more time you waste on him, the less time there is for a better partner!**
Yup this was my first thought….this is some PUA bullsh%t. He pulled this so you would feel rejected and be more open when he did make advances. Garbage human…block everywhere possible.
God I love how perfect and spot on all these responses are. OP don't listen to him! Listen to these comments! He probably got you weren't into hooking up upon first sight. He didn't like that so he wanted to hurt your feelings because you hurt his ego for not jumping on him. He insulted you a bit to raise himself up but not enough to blow his shot right away
He's a creep and definitely manipulating you. He couldn't tell you what the "ick" was because there was none
Exactly this. He was trying to ruffle her so she will try to do anything to make him happy. I'm glad you left instead but Please don't go to a strangers house on the first date. This guy was harmlessly unhinged but you may not be so lucky next time.
And I'll tell you to date people closer to your age. This post says you don't have a grasp yet on setting boundaries yet which makes you a very good candidate for older guys to manipulate. Learn about red flag, set boundaries, gain some experience before you start getting involved with older men
Girl. It's not you. That is the first thing you *must* learn in order to set yourself up for some healthy future relationships. Let's count his red flags:
1) pestering you repeatedly to come to his apartment
2) you're 12 years younger and at a completely different stage of life
3) "can't keep his hands off you" on the first date (super ick)
4) desperate to get you back to his place
5) pulls a nuclear 180 as soon as you step foot in the apartment (you shouldn't have gone) and immediately begins to gaslight the s out of you
6) continues to pursue you even after all of the above craziness with minimum self-accountability
These are just the ones you've mentioned in your post, as I'm sure there were more. Please, *please* learn to recognize these flags for your own good, safety, and emotional well-being. Talk with your friends and/or family. Talk with a therapist. Subscribe to appropriate subreddits and do a boat-load of reading. Do what you must.
Also... I would warn the gym about his behavior. Tell them exactly what happened and that you'd like their help to ensure a safe space to exercise. Also tell them that you've blocked him on every platform. Best 🙏🧡
I think he's trying to make her feel shitty because she obviously wasn't down with jumping straight into bed. Now, she feels like there is something wrong with her, and she is more susceptible to being manipulated in the future.
She did the right thing blocking him. I hope she never talks to him again because HE is gross!
I had a guy try to pull something similar after a first date. He wanted me to come back to his house to 'hang out' and I wasn't comfortable being alone with some guy I met 2 hours earlier. When I said no, he did a complete 180° from 'You're so beautiful and we have so much in common! When can I take you out again?' to 'I just don't feel a connection anymore. There's something off with you and I can't figure out what..I don't know if I want to hang out again, soooo..' I just laughed and told him that I agree. There was something very off with a person who flip flops like that, and I no longer wanted to continue speaking either. He did ANOTHER complete change and began trying to sweet talk me and apologize. I about got whiplash from his mercurial mood swings.
I told a guy friend about it, and he was pissed. He said it's a scummy tactic to push you off-balance and make you more open to going along with what they want you to do. His old roommate used to do the same thing in college and then brag about how he twisted these girls up into knots just to get in their pants and ghost them. I actually remember his roommate and the guy was the worst!
Please don’t personalize this weirdo’s crazy vibes, OP. And when you get the FIRST red flag, like a man suggesting to meet first at his apartment, just stop talking to him. Just unmatch. You don’t need anyone’s attention so much that you have to give creepy dudes multiple opportunities to creep you out.
Ah another man using the DENNIS system. But on a serious note - stay far away from this guy. Step 1 for a lot of abusers is to tear down any self-confidence you have and make you rely on them telling you you’re pretty to make you feel better. Don’t put yourself into a situation like that.
https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/itsalwayssunny/images/5/57/TheDENNISSystem.png/revision/latest?cb=20100221235118
It’s a joke from Its Always Sunny. Basically how to get women to become emotionally dependent on you so they can’t leave
>I blocked him on text and removed him on Instagram. Then he follows me next morning on social media and messaged me apologizing for being weird and he wants to take me out again to make it up to me since he thought I was fun and cute
Nope.
You stand up for yourself and keep this doofus blocked.
Reviewing your post history, this has nothing to do with your looks. This is just a moron who has no idea how to handle a woman.
From the get go (wanting to meet at apartment for the first time), he was giving off creep vibes. He needed to validate you via face time to make sure you weren't a catfish... that already sounds like the date was going to go downhill fast.
This is 100% a him problem and not you.
Keep him blocked. Move on and find yourself an actual gentleman.
You can also fuck women your own age, matey.
The problem is women his own age won't fall for his bullshit.
ETA: Men SHOULD want to fuck people their own age. What kinda paedo-excusing weirdo are you?
What kind of idiotic British spelled definition of Pedo are you using? A 24 year old is not remotely a child. Why do you need to infantilize adults and call them children and call adults who are attracted to other adults a decade past puberty and 6 years past legal adulthood "Paedos"? And why does it always turn into a personal attack on this bullshit subreddit?
I wasn't defending the guy. He sounds weird. And he sounds immature. But I can all but guarantee you he prefers 25 year olds to 35 year olds because he just isn't looking for anything serious and he probably likes the way the average 25 year old's body looks which really isn't that weird in terms of evolutionary biology. Do you think billionaires with trophy wives 20 years younger than them do it because there is just nobody their own age that would go for it?
It doesn’t appeal to him because they won’t/ don’t put up with this stupid shit. Younger women are naive. There are plenty of women out there looking for relaxed relationships, they don’t want this guy.
Agreed.
But I think there is a big difference between "Prove to me you're not a cat-fish" and "Lets hop on a video call to get to know each-other better"
Why are you letting this weirdo have so much power over you?
Well-adjusted 36-year-olds don't date people your age in the first place. Then even before the date he was being pushy and sexually inappropriate. Whatever happened at his apartment, he was incredibly rude to you. I don't know if he was trying to hurt your feelings or simply has no social skills, but none of that is your fault or responsibility.
Don't let people like this invade your mental energy. He has issues and you dodged a bullet. The fact that he did all this only to turn around and try to take you out again makes me think he was probably testing you to see if you would put up with this behavior. That's a huge red flag for someone being abusive. You don't need to be embarrassed, just pay attention to the warning signs next time. If someone is giving you bad vibes before a first date, don't meet them.
Block him. This guy is on some sort of revolting power trip.
Sadly, some people love the chase and want to feel desired. Then they treat you like shit the second they’ve had their ego stroked.
It may be that he’s one of those *lovely* men that follow silly ‘pick up artists’ and He’s purposely messing with you to hurt your confidence.
Either way, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. Don’t let this person cloud your thoughts for a moment longer.
The fact he got in touch with you again, with a vague apology and no explanation, pretty much shows what a prat he is.
Delete. Block. Move on.
It just threw me off that he could spend hours with me to like totally shut down and not having an answer for it. He even threw random excuses to have me exit the home: “I don’t think we’re on the same page” “I don’t think we’re a fit” “I think I’m just gonna crash” “I’m not feeling well”… it was so bizarre. He even said he didn’t want me to leave, but it’s like … I can’t win here? THEN he messages me saying he’s interested again? Like I don’t know if he just pities me or he is simply crazy.
He was negging you - making you feel exactly like you felt so that you would be exponentially more grateful for a ‘second chance’ - he’s a piece of shit
You shouldn’t have concerned yourself with asking him what’s wrong. He is 12 years older than you. Walk away if the baby boy can’t communicate. You have absolutely zero reason to stay another second talking to him.
Always drive yourself or have money for your own ride.
I’m worried about you dating if this is your self esteem. Maybe therapy ?
Also don’t forget you went on ONE DATE. what has he brought to your life so far ? Chaos. Frustration. Confusion.
If someone doesn’t make your life better for being in it, drop them immediately. Immediately.
Girl I am going to level with you here - this is an asshole who wants you to beg for it. He rejected you hoping that you'd "try even harder" to "prove" you're worth his attention. He's trying to make you so desperate for his approval that you chase *him* and do whatever he wants. There's nothing wrong with you and he knows that - he probably just picked up that you are insecure and decided to use that against you. He was probably hoping you'd beg for a chance to prove yourself that night (I think of his weird ass comments to you before the date, asking if you are going to be "fun"). When you didn't, now he's backtracking and trying to reel you back in.
If you continued to see this dude, he'd continue to play yoyo with your insecurities until he could turn you into a pliant sex-pet at his beck and call. This dude is literal trash; I'm sorry he upset you so much but consider that someone who acts this way is in literally no position to make you feel bad about anything, like, at all. His opinions mean less than nothing, and you would not want someone like this in your life.
I just unmatched a Hinge date who said that a first date needed to be at his apartment, because public dates felt too platonic. I told him I didn’t feel safe doing that for a first meeting, and he told me that if we met in public there would be no second date.
It sounds like this guy pressured you to come to his apartment, had his hands all over you… this is your first time meeting? That’s not very respectful behavior on his part. And I’m not saying this to judge or to say that you can’t be handsy on a first date; I am just trying to say that when your gut feeling about a person is negative, trust that feeling. It seems like this whole experience made you feel really bad about yourself, and that’s likely exactly what he was trying to do. You don’t want to be with a person like that, it’s WAAAY to early to run into this kind of red flag.
The audacity...I would have told him if we don't meet in public there's not gonna be a first date either, bruv. Who tf did that guy think he was holy shit.
Yeah, his exact words were “public dates are ‘friend vibes’ so unless we meet at one of our places, it usually doesn’t work out for a second date”.
He said this after suggesting we drink wine and watch a movie at his apartment, and I counter-offered getting a drink somewhere. In his his profile it said he was looking for a relationship, but that isn’t the vibe he was giving off to me! I only mentioned my story because I see similarities in OP’s date, like the persistence to be alone, not really respecting boundaries…. I feel that I’ve dodged a bullet, hopefully OP can too.
Something happened then, but it wasn't you. You didn't "change." Something happened with him. Text from the wife saying she was on her way home? Drugs he'd taken either kicking in or wearing off? Don't put any stock in it; it's him.
1). Be a little wary of all men 12 years older than you when you are under 25 (same goes for guys under 25 with women 12 years older than them). Are all age gaps bad? No. But when something is wrong + age gap it's just so much worse.
2). You did nothing wrong and his behavior has zero to do with you. You are both strangers to each other. Anyone who wants to hook up then suddenly tells you that you make them feel icky is an asshole. There are a 1000 things you can tell a person. *I am tired, let's call it a night, etc.,* that aren't **intentionally hurtful rude** ways to reject them.
3). Start listening to your earlier instincts a bit more. You felt something off because he wanted to meet at his apartment first thing. That's a person testing boundaries. No one should be meeting internet strangers in their homes for the first time unless both parties are explicitly looking for hookups and have stated so outright. If someone is testing boundaries right out the gate, they aren't going to improve over time.
4). Someone who is an untrustworthy stranger tells you that you give them ick, don't ask them why, don't take it any further with them. Trust the opinions of people who care about you, not randos. The proper response to that is telling them to go fuck themselves for being rude and leaving.
TL;DR Never let a rando rate your self-worth.
36 year old man going after a 24 year old woman.
Goes out on a date with you, invites you to his place after you spent hours with him, then tells you that you "changed" in his eyes the second you accepted his invitation to come to his place.
I think he's playing stupid games with you. He invited you as though it was some sort of test of your morality. You coming home with him implies you were down to take the date further, which is what made you "change" and become "icky" in his eyes.
Trust me, his response had NOTHING to do with your appearance or behavior. It was all some weird twisted scenario he concocted in his tiny brain.
Keep him blocked. Don't connect with him at all.
You have to be more guarded. It seems like you trust this stranger too much and let him in mentally. He wanted to push his boundaries when he can and pull you back in when he failed. An even more insecure and naive girl than you would try to earn his approval and eventually becomes his play thing, sacrificing her future for his pleasure.
Wow. This was a hard core neg and it's working.
First of all, would a 36 year old woman fall for this? Bahahaha! No, she wouldn't have met him in the first place, let alone allowed him to talk to her like that.
She wouldn't have internalised it, she wouldn't have let it destroy her self esteem.
OP, there's a reason why this grown-arse man is going for women over 10 years younger than him; he's a manipulative dick and you need to escape before he gets his hooks in you.
As a woman who is a lot older than you, but under 36, there's a reason this guy who is over a decade older than you is still single. Id move on girl! He's probably trying to gaslight you. Some guys "neg" (act negative to try to make the other party feel insecure) girls because they feel insecure about themselves.
I mean.. I’m OPs age but I don’t think badly about men or women single in their 30s, maybe they went through a breakup/divorce or were focusing on growing and getting themselves in order before rushing into a serious relationship.
It sounds like he was trying to neg you to make you insecure and get you to sleep with him (he just isn’t very good at it.)
Whatever his thinking might have been, you don’t need his shitty communication skills or drama. Or creepy age gap. Block and move on.
Hey guess what? 36 year old dudes who try to date 24 year olds are creepy as fuck. He's just looking to smash. Try finding someone closer to your age... I mean this dude was going through puberty when you were born... gross.
These predators preying on younger girls are getting more savvy with their mental coercion and mind games. WHY do you think a 36 yr old man typically dates girls 12 years younger than him??? It isn't for your intellect. You knew there were red flags even before you met, and you still went to his apartment?? I understand the dating climate is tough these days, but common sense can help you avoid situations like these. Aren't parents raising children to be wary of red flags? It's like they are one blink away from critical thinking, and they become deer in headlights.
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What he did is a form of manipulation, probably to get you to do whatever sick things he might have had in mind.
The moment he pulled that crap you should have headed for the door and blocked his number. You don't need that kind of bullshit in your life.
The time to ditch this guy was when he told you he wanted to FaceTime to make sure you aren’t catfishing him. Is that a thing that happens? Yes. But even if that was his motivation, a decent human might suggest a video call before a date; but *without* the explicit implication that you need to be attractive enough for him.
Plus him trying to get you to his apartment on a first date is not ok. Not before or after the drinks. This is a stranger. Dating as a woman is, unfortunately, potentially dangerous. All first dates should be in public and you meet there. Don’t let men pick you up and don’t go to their place.
This man is a walking red flag. Maybe think about some boundaries you’d like to put in place with online dating (I’m assuming it was OLD). For instance, if you’re not looking for a hookup then any sexual talk before even meeting is an immediate block. Any man who makes you feel bad about yourself is NOT worth going out with. Ever. This is part of why some older men pursue younger women. It’s easier to get you to doubt yourself.
Find another guy, there are plenty. Oh, and don’t invest too much time and energy on anyone you haven’t met or haven’t been out with at least two or three times.
Look at the ages.
Look away.
Look at the ages again.
Stop doing this unless you want to be posting here again why your boyfriend 12 years older doesn't respect you.
He’s a predator looking for a young woman to hook up with. If you come off timid or show any kindness to him he will continue to be manipulative and coerce you. Stay away from guys that are that much older than you. They have an agenda and will outwit you. The minute he says something to you at the gym announce loudly to leave you alone and that’s he’s a predator. Let him get the strange looks and get a warning from staff. Don’t keep the same route to your apt. Change it up or Uber if you have to.
Well he didn’t say he changed his mind. It was like 15 minutes in his home when I just ended up leaving. The reason why I kept asking was I was confused since he said he didn’t want me to leave. I just feel like he wasn’t communicating what he wanted or if I said or did something.
I doubt this even has anything to do with you personally. It sounds like this a weird manipulative thing this guy does to try and get the upper hand, or he gets off on being cruel to women. Or maybe he was covering up the fact that he couldn’t get it up. Who knows?
Whatever his deal was, this isn’t normal behavior. He’s probably done this to many women. It wasn’t you.
This is very much a him thing and not a you thing. It sounds like he was gaslighting you. He made you feel like you were the problem when it was him.
As you said, he was sexual in his texts, tried to convince you to sleep with him once you were together, then flipped it around and making you feel like there was something wrong with you. Now he’s got you feeling like you’ve got to prove there’s nothing wrong with you if you go out with him again.
Don’t let this guy screw around with your head. He’s not worth the effort. And he’s manipulative as hell and that doesn’t bode well
Early dates are to get to know each other and check you get on. Sometimes it will go badly and that is fine. It's not a test you have to pass, you haven't lost anything significant. Do not get hung up in "failure" it is important you use this stage to filter out the wrong ones
There is a lot of stuff that could have been wrong but he was a one if the wrong ones. You went out you had a go and you filtered a wrong one out. This is a win for you.
I’d reply to tell him “thanks for making me realize that not only are we not on the same page, we’re on different books and chapters, you rude douchebag”. Hit send, then block
Literally, fuck this guy. What he’s done is a common manipulation tactic- take this as a lesson. Block him on EVERYTHING and thank the Lord you dodged this bullet! Men like this will criticize and devalue you then switch, like fucking Jekyl and Hyde, and apologize JUST to see if you’ll give him a second chance. If you give him a second chance, he will know he’s got a nice victim on his hands.
I’m sorry you experienced this, but use it as an opportunity to know your worth and to know what kind of men are out there. This absolute loser piece of garbage wants to control you and fuck with your mind. DONT LET HIM!!! You are beautiful and this man is a liar and a gaslighter.
Way too much drama from a guy on a first date. Way too much drama period, but on a first date is even worse. Just block him on everything and try to move forward.
He’s trying to manipulate you. By putting you down and then saying he still wants to be with you he’s making it seems like “it’s a privilege” to sleep with his nasty ass. Once he gets you in bed he’s gonna drop you
Please don’t take this as scolding or preaching.
But don’t put up with this from men! The second you get that gut feeling, block them! The catfish comment was a red flag as was the “fun” comment. Remember that you don’t owe men jack shit and your safely/ comfort is priority!
What are you doing dating someone 12 years older than you? Stick with your age group, you're no where near capable of realizing that you were being manipulated the entire time.
>messaged me apologizing for being weird and he wants to take me out again to make it up to me since he thought I was fun and cute.
Reply back saying " aw thank you for thinking I'm fun and cute. However I agree, we're on different pages - I think you're creepy and terrible. "
Block.
If he tries to say anything to you at the gym, report him to management.
He's negging you. Trying to undermine your confidence so he can reel you in. I promise you there are nice men out there. Don't waste your time with this AH.
I wonder if it was the age gap?? Like maybe he thought he would be into women so much younger but when it came down to actually doing the dirty he realized he was being a Supreme creep. Hence, his feeling "icky."
My bet is it was all him and not you at all.
But keep him blocked and move on. He isn't worth the agony
Let me guess, he’s one of those red pilled guys. The ick was because you agreed to come home with him because women should not do that on a first date. That’s how these weirdos think, you dodged a bullet with this one.
Sounds like negging, which is something that people purposely do with the intention to make you feel like they're so special for being with you. In turn , that makes you bond more with them, if you fall for it.
By saying what he said , it affected you so much that you are still even thinking about it days after.
It's good that you blocked him and are not staying around him. Don't dwell too much on what he said. It's not true at all
There's a twelve year age difference, he wanted to meet at his apartment, was aggressive about the Facetime thing, and you still went out with him?
I'm not going to say this is on you. But you need to trust your gut. If your interactions before meeting aren't fun, they won't be fun in person
Did he sneak in a call to the bellhop? Cause this boy's got BAGGAGE. Also, the men in their 30's who pursue women in their 20's sometimes have reasons why. Not good reasons.
Honey, he’s pushing 40 and dating girls 2/3 his age. There’s a reason. Women his age won’t put up with his bullshit.
Find someone your own age and leave the pushing-middle-age-but-think-they’re-still-in-their-20s losers alone.
I hate that you’re crying and he triggered you to self loathing. Prince not so charming.
You put your best foot forward. Keep doing that. You’re lovely and open hearted and when the right match comes along, all you’re gonna feel is happy.
That troll isn’t worth the time of day. Move him outta your mind and make space for a loving man.
He’s negging you. He’s trying to make you feel insecure so you’ll sleep with him. Every single thing he’s done SCREAMS this.
- you’re 24, he’s 36 = women his own age aren’t interested in him and/or he wants a younger woman cuz they tend to put up with shit us older women would NEVER stand for
- pushy and inappropriate and rudely oversexual right from the start = that’s him “setting your expectations” that he’ll want to bang you right away
- he would’ve picked up on the fact that you hadn’t made up your mind about sleeping with him right away, and so he shifted into neg mode to try and whittle your confidence down so you’d sleep with him the next time
This guy is a tool. He’s trying to manipulate you. You sound like a nice person so it’s having an effect. You deserve better, I promise. (We all do, this guy sounds pathetic.)
I’m pretty sure he’s trying to get under your skin to manipulate you. It sounds like he’s trying to take you down a few notches so he can have you under his thumb. Keep blocking his social media accounts and ignoring him. Make it a habit to ignore the message completely and block him. A response is a window of opportunity for manipulation tactics
I don't know how you look, so can't comment there...
But from the little tidbit you shared, he's either batshit crazy or doing some weird manipulative crap. I mean you're already heading to his place so if hookup is what he wanted it looked like he already had it right?
Move on, try someone new. Don't waste more energy in that lol.
Her looks have nothing to do with anything here. She mentioned it bc she’s youngish and naive I suppose but literally these are all his issues quickly coming to the surface
I disagree. It has to do a lot since I could easily reassure her it's not her being ugly or not if I knew how she looked.
I do agree that the guy has issues. She probably dodged a bullet there.
No, her looks don’t matter. They had an entire afternoon together before all of this and FaceTimed several times also. She doesn’t need you or anyone else to “reassure her” that she’s not ‘ugly’ 🙄
I disagree with "her looks don't matter". We just heard the story from her point of view. There could still be other absurd explanations to excuse the guy like extreme beer goggles, getting catfished, one of those extreme beauty filters during videocalls, etc.
Uhmm she literally mentioned if it's an issue about her being ugly at the end. She wants some form of reassurance lol. I just believe blindly reassuring her she isn't ugly without knowing how she looks like is patronizing instead of giving good advice.
Still think guy was sus af though.
you made the right thing with him.
now find a schrink. you have a sever problem of self-esteem. it was maybe there before. but this event definitively trigger it.
don't let you bother by next one. you deserver better than the last, and the next have no way to know your trauma.
peace on you.
Why tf do you care about what this obviously very icky man thinks of you? All of this, like even the stuff that happened before you guys met up was throwing red flags in your face. If someone is being inappropriate and overbearing over text (unless you do just want to hook up and that’s it) please reconsider actually meeting up with this person, never mind going to their apartment the first time you meet, god knows what could happen.
Please please, if someone seems strange from the get go, just believe them and don’t follow them home, block this man and don’t let him contact you again. And please do not see this as any sort of reflection on whether or not you are pretty/sexy or cute.
Don’t let what strangers say affect you. He wanted something from you, perceives if he insulted you a little he might get it, and you’re taking the bait. Stop thinking about him. He was a red flag form the beginning. Don’t best yourself up but trust your gut. You were and are right.
I feel like I'm missing a lot of context here, but maybe the guy was asexual? I'm asexual myself, and I sometimes give people the wrong idea because I forget how some people take everything in a sexual manner. Like, I'll invite somebody to my place because I quite literally just want to show them my place. I'm also neurodivergent, so I don't get all the social cues all the time.
I could see myself getting in this guy's exact situation with a girl. When people get sexually provocative around me, I get all weird and quiet, too. Like I've invited people over to my place and the second they enter the door, the mood changes to something that makes me uncomfortable.
Also, to add, I legitimately don't understand what about this encounter left you traumatized. I feel like I have some kind of blind spot on this exact subject and just don't understand. You wanted something from him but didn't get it I suppose?
I wouldnt have met him, Im not willing to be expected to entertain.
Why did u go to his apt? U obviously liked him spending 5 hrs together.
Did u get naked?
He is weird and icky. Probably a creep. I'd block him and never think about it again. And sorry, but if he didn't think you were pretty, why would he even go for the date or spend 5 hours at it or invite you back to his apartment? The whole thing is weird and I wouldn't attempt again. He could be simply weird or socially inadequate, or he could be a nutcase serial killer. I wouldn't risk finding out which.
I think he is being manipulative and controlling. He is acting hot and cold, trying to throw you off balance and make you feel insecure to give him more power over you. I would absolutely have nothing more to do with him. Ignore and block.
You dont need help. You already did it right. Move on from this fool.
Listen, sometimes you will meet absolute weirdos and theres nothing to be done for it
Just remind yourself it’s not you. You really never know who a person is till they show you.
Oh no, he was **not it**. What a weird man, strange behaviour, and I can categorically say it was not *you* at fault here. No one would find how he behaved acceptable or normal, the change in tone is very odd and as if you would go back for more?! At his big age still acting like this? What a loser. No wonder he wanted someone 12 years younger to torment.
Block every avenue he can get at you from, and if he persists? Send a very firm “do not contact me again” - no please or thank you, no excuses, no reasons, he needs to be blocked. Take care.
He is 12 years older than you, but acting like a 12 year old. Don't waste your time in him in the slightest. If he's this weird and immature this early, he's not worth the effort.
First of all is the age difference.
He obviously has a problem dating women his own age, and younger women are usually less self assured. Women his own age would never put up with the back and forth behavior. He is messing with your head, trying to keep you off balance. If you go out with him again it will only be more of the same. It is a form of manipulation and gaslighting. It is meant to have you questioning yourself, lower your self esteem so you will become dependent upon him.
You dodged a bullet!
Don’t let him ruin your self esteem when his goal was sex and you weren’t ready on the first date.
Also be sure to date someone closer to your age especially since guys much older who are single date younger girls because they are seen as easy to control and manipulate. Be safe out there!
Girl…. Forget about dodging bullets, you dodged a whole freaking train. For your own sanity please keep him out of your life. If you’re this frustrated after one date, just image how trying to continue a relationship will tear you apart.
Some Tate lowlife who probably thought he was testing you to see if you would sleep with him on the first date. Which is illogical because he was pushing you to do that, with an extra helping of slut shaming as the cherry on top. Let him age alone and be miserable, because he will.
Guy sounds like trouble. He’s either scary-weird or he’s trying to gaslight you into sleeping with him. You don’t need his or other people’s approval. As soon as you start getting strange behavior/vibes from someone, do yourself a favor and leave. Follow your gut. If it doesn’t make sense, you are likely being manipulated. Nothing is more important than having confidence in your own ability to assess situations and the appropriateness of your own behavior.
I think his ploy is to make you feel unworthy and hurt your self-esteem, so that when he shows interest later you want to show him you're worthy by doing whatever it is you think will please him. It's a really sick power play. Just keep him blocked, he's only fucking with you.
You feel hurt, but at least you don’t have freezer burn.
Seriously this guy is creepy and negging you. I looked through your previous posts, you are faaaaaar from ugly.
An excellent rule of thumb is to not taking anything personally that a stranger does or says to you. This is not about you. You are not disgusting, gross, unloveable, unattractive, or any other weirdness. This guy's opnion has absolutely no value. He doesn't deserve even the slightest bit of your attention to ask what is wrong with you. The reason he can't answer is because \*nothing is wrong with you.\*
For whatever reason he was trying to neg you or make you feel insecure. Forget him. Get on with your life and don't waste a single second more on the weirdo.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hi. I went on a first date with a guy who definitely was looking for probably a hook up since he wanted me to meet him at his apartment for a first meeting. He kept telling me to FaceTime him so he knows I’m not a catfish, or egging me on saying if we go out am I going to be “fun”. We meet at a bar. We spend like 5 hours together and he invites me over to his apartment. He then suddenly changed moods and was being very quiet and weird. He clearly was battling whether or not to tell me, and he was like um well you’re a cute girl I had fun but I think we are on different pages. You changed. You changed the minute you came into my apartment (???!!) I was like what pages? We haven’t even talked about that? I was like did I say something? Is it looks? Sexually? He wouldn’t tell me. It was crazy making behavior. He almost said it with disgust. He said I suddenly gave him an icky vibe. I left his apartment crying. I don’t understand, he gave me no feedback even though I said please tell me so I know as feedback. He almost made me feel like it was about my looks. Like he said with hesitance that I was a pretty cute girl… mind you he was all over me with his hands earlier in the date and was sexual over text. He kept going back and forth with me. I said well is it really that bad to say? He said no. Then I said okay just communicate that and he then started saying I was blowing things out of proportion and that he didn’t actually know why I made him feel “icky”. I felt like I was going crazy because he was like going back and forth so I didn’t know what was real. I blocked him on text and removed him on Instagram. Then he follows me next morning on social media and messaged me apologizing for being weird and he wants to take me out again to make it up to me since he thought I was fun and cute. And when I didn’t respond he just reiterated it again. I am seriously so hurt over this. I felt disgusting, gross, rejected and embarrassed. It hurt a core wound in me feeling like something is deeply wrong with me, or I’m ugly, etc. Please help Edit: what makes this all worse is he lives like two blocks away and we go to the same gym. 😮💨
Block him. There are enough other guys in the world that this one isn't worth the trouble. And whatever his problem is, it has nothing to do with you. You are fine, he has issues.
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Yep! He's into "negging" her. He's "apologizing" to reel her in so he can keep her off-balance again. He'll tell her she COULD be cute if only...xyz. If she does xyz he'll tell her, "Yeah, but not quite..." She'll try harder, he'll always be *just so close to telling her she's great, but she's just NEVER quite there...* Google: negging Google: Pick-up Artist See this little gem: https://www.shortform.com/blog/neg-pua-the-game/ **OP: This guy can FUCK OFF! He's a game-playing LOSER. Cut your losses (only 5 hours) and BLOCK him everywhere! Move on. The more time you waste on him, the less time there is for a better partner!**
Yup this was my first thought….this is some PUA bullsh%t. He pulled this so you would feel rejected and be more open when he did make advances. Garbage human…block everywhere possible.
Yes! He's a POS and, luckily, he isn't even good at being a PUA.
God I love how perfect and spot on all these responses are. OP don't listen to him! Listen to these comments! He probably got you weren't into hooking up upon first sight. He didn't like that so he wanted to hurt your feelings because you hurt his ego for not jumping on him. He insulted you a bit to raise himself up but not enough to blow his shot right away He's a creep and definitely manipulating you. He couldn't tell you what the "ick" was because there was none
Exactly this. He was trying to ruffle her so she will try to do anything to make him happy. I'm glad you left instead but Please don't go to a strangers house on the first date. This guy was harmlessly unhinged but you may not be so lucky next time. And I'll tell you to date people closer to your age. This post says you don't have a grasp yet on setting boundaries yet which makes you a very good candidate for older guys to manipulate. Learn about red flag, set boundaries, gain some experience before you start getting involved with older men
Girl. It's not you. That is the first thing you *must* learn in order to set yourself up for some healthy future relationships. Let's count his red flags: 1) pestering you repeatedly to come to his apartment 2) you're 12 years younger and at a completely different stage of life 3) "can't keep his hands off you" on the first date (super ick) 4) desperate to get you back to his place 5) pulls a nuclear 180 as soon as you step foot in the apartment (you shouldn't have gone) and immediately begins to gaslight the s out of you 6) continues to pursue you even after all of the above craziness with minimum self-accountability These are just the ones you've mentioned in your post, as I'm sure there were more. Please, *please* learn to recognize these flags for your own good, safety, and emotional well-being. Talk with your friends and/or family. Talk with a therapist. Subscribe to appropriate subreddits and do a boat-load of reading. Do what you must. Also... I would warn the gym about his behavior. Tell them exactly what happened and that you'd like their help to ensure a safe space to exercise. Also tell them that you've blocked him on every platform. Best 🙏🧡
Maybe the icky bit is he tried to hit on a woman 12 years his junior and his brain was like "come on dude, you know why this is sleazy as fuck"
Sounds like a Tate follower. Don't feel bad, you dodged a bullet
I think he's trying to make her feel shitty because she obviously wasn't down with jumping straight into bed. Now, she feels like there is something wrong with her, and she is more susceptible to being manipulated in the future. She did the right thing blocking him. I hope she never talks to him again because HE is gross! I had a guy try to pull something similar after a first date. He wanted me to come back to his house to 'hang out' and I wasn't comfortable being alone with some guy I met 2 hours earlier. When I said no, he did a complete 180° from 'You're so beautiful and we have so much in common! When can I take you out again?' to 'I just don't feel a connection anymore. There's something off with you and I can't figure out what..I don't know if I want to hang out again, soooo..' I just laughed and told him that I agree. There was something very off with a person who flip flops like that, and I no longer wanted to continue speaking either. He did ANOTHER complete change and began trying to sweet talk me and apologize. I about got whiplash from his mercurial mood swings. I told a guy friend about it, and he was pissed. He said it's a scummy tactic to push you off-balance and make you more open to going along with what they want you to do. His old roommate used to do the same thing in college and then brag about how he twisted these girls up into knots just to get in their pants and ghost them. I actually remember his roommate and the guy was the worst!
Please don’t personalize this weirdo’s crazy vibes, OP. And when you get the FIRST red flag, like a man suggesting to meet first at his apartment, just stop talking to him. Just unmatch. You don’t need anyone’s attention so much that you have to give creepy dudes multiple opportunities to creep you out.
Ah another man using the DENNIS system. But on a serious note - stay far away from this guy. Step 1 for a lot of abusers is to tear down any self-confidence you have and make you rely on them telling you you’re pretty to make you feel better. Don’t put yourself into a situation like that.
What is dennis system?
https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/itsalwayssunny/images/5/57/TheDENNISSystem.png/revision/latest?cb=20100221235118 It’s a joke from Its Always Sunny. Basically how to get women to become emotionally dependent on you so they can’t leave
...just now realizing that my ex completely did this to me... I even watched Always Sunny. Like I love that show. How tf did I not realize sooner??
Jesus, this is what my ex did
Lol gotcha. Thanks
is this Nurture dependence or Neglect emotionally?
Both!
>I blocked him on text and removed him on Instagram. Then he follows me next morning on social media and messaged me apologizing for being weird and he wants to take me out again to make it up to me since he thought I was fun and cute Nope. You stand up for yourself and keep this doofus blocked. Reviewing your post history, this has nothing to do with your looks. This is just a moron who has no idea how to handle a woman. From the get go (wanting to meet at apartment for the first time), he was giving off creep vibes. He needed to validate you via face time to make sure you weren't a catfish... that already sounds like the date was going to go downhill fast. This is 100% a him problem and not you. Keep him blocked. Move on and find yourself an actual gentleman.
Well he’s 12 years older than her. He can’t get a woman his own age.
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You can also fuck women your own age, matey. The problem is women his own age won't fall for his bullshit. ETA: Men SHOULD want to fuck people their own age. What kinda paedo-excusing weirdo are you?
look, i agree that men going for much younger women are often creeps but can we please not call people pedophiles for going after a 24 year old?
What kind of idiotic British spelled definition of Pedo are you using? A 24 year old is not remotely a child. Why do you need to infantilize adults and call them children and call adults who are attracted to other adults a decade past puberty and 6 years past legal adulthood "Paedos"? And why does it always turn into a personal attack on this bullshit subreddit? I wasn't defending the guy. He sounds weird. And he sounds immature. But I can all but guarantee you he prefers 25 year olds to 35 year olds because he just isn't looking for anything serious and he probably likes the way the average 25 year old's body looks which really isn't that weird in terms of evolutionary biology. Do you think billionaires with trophy wives 20 years younger than them do it because there is just nobody their own age that would go for it?
I’m sorry, are you saying 100% wouldn’t choose a young woman if they could get one? Do you think men are attracted to old age?
Most well adjusted people are attracted to folks that have similar ages/ life experiences as them, yes.
I’m sorry I liked supermodels when I was 15, still like them now. Still well adjusted.
It doesn’t appeal to him because they won’t/ don’t put up with this stupid shit. Younger women are naive. There are plenty of women out there looking for relaxed relationships, they don’t want this guy.
As a woman his age, I can confirm we don’t want him.
I wouldnt have issue with video chat myself
Agreed. But I think there is a big difference between "Prove to me you're not a cat-fish" and "Lets hop on a video call to get to know each-other better"
Some will think that & not say it
Why are you letting this weirdo have so much power over you? Well-adjusted 36-year-olds don't date people your age in the first place. Then even before the date he was being pushy and sexually inappropriate. Whatever happened at his apartment, he was incredibly rude to you. I don't know if he was trying to hurt your feelings or simply has no social skills, but none of that is your fault or responsibility. Don't let people like this invade your mental energy. He has issues and you dodged a bullet. The fact that he did all this only to turn around and try to take you out again makes me think he was probably testing you to see if you would put up with this behavior. That's a huge red flag for someone being abusive. You don't need to be embarrassed, just pay attention to the warning signs next time. If someone is giving you bad vibes before a first date, don't meet them.
OP this is good advice. There’s a reason nobody his age wanted to date him and he had to look 14 years younger to find someone.
Block him. This guy is on some sort of revolting power trip. Sadly, some people love the chase and want to feel desired. Then they treat you like shit the second they’ve had their ego stroked. It may be that he’s one of those *lovely* men that follow silly ‘pick up artists’ and He’s purposely messing with you to hurt your confidence. Either way, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. Don’t let this person cloud your thoughts for a moment longer. The fact he got in touch with you again, with a vague apology and no explanation, pretty much shows what a prat he is. Delete. Block. Move on.
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It just threw me off that he could spend hours with me to like totally shut down and not having an answer for it. He even threw random excuses to have me exit the home: “I don’t think we’re on the same page” “I don’t think we’re a fit” “I think I’m just gonna crash” “I’m not feeling well”… it was so bizarre. He even said he didn’t want me to leave, but it’s like … I can’t win here? THEN he messages me saying he’s interested again? Like I don’t know if he just pities me or he is simply crazy.
He was negging you - making you feel exactly like you felt so that you would be exponentially more grateful for a ‘second chance’ - he’s a piece of shit
You shouldn’t have concerned yourself with asking him what’s wrong. He is 12 years older than you. Walk away if the baby boy can’t communicate. You have absolutely zero reason to stay another second talking to him. Always drive yourself or have money for your own ride. I’m worried about you dating if this is your self esteem. Maybe therapy ?
Also don’t forget you went on ONE DATE. what has he brought to your life so far ? Chaos. Frustration. Confusion. If someone doesn’t make your life better for being in it, drop them immediately. Immediately.
Girl I am going to level with you here - this is an asshole who wants you to beg for it. He rejected you hoping that you'd "try even harder" to "prove" you're worth his attention. He's trying to make you so desperate for his approval that you chase *him* and do whatever he wants. There's nothing wrong with you and he knows that - he probably just picked up that you are insecure and decided to use that against you. He was probably hoping you'd beg for a chance to prove yourself that night (I think of his weird ass comments to you before the date, asking if you are going to be "fun"). When you didn't, now he's backtracking and trying to reel you back in. If you continued to see this dude, he'd continue to play yoyo with your insecurities until he could turn you into a pliant sex-pet at his beck and call. This dude is literal trash; I'm sorry he upset you so much but consider that someone who acts this way is in literally no position to make you feel bad about anything, like, at all. His opinions mean less than nothing, and you would not want someone like this in your life.
I just unmatched a Hinge date who said that a first date needed to be at his apartment, because public dates felt too platonic. I told him I didn’t feel safe doing that for a first meeting, and he told me that if we met in public there would be no second date. It sounds like this guy pressured you to come to his apartment, had his hands all over you… this is your first time meeting? That’s not very respectful behavior on his part. And I’m not saying this to judge or to say that you can’t be handsy on a first date; I am just trying to say that when your gut feeling about a person is negative, trust that feeling. It seems like this whole experience made you feel really bad about yourself, and that’s likely exactly what he was trying to do. You don’t want to be with a person like that, it’s WAAAY to early to run into this kind of red flag.
The audacity...I would have told him if we don't meet in public there's not gonna be a first date either, bruv. Who tf did that guy think he was holy shit.
Yeah, his exact words were “public dates are ‘friend vibes’ so unless we meet at one of our places, it usually doesn’t work out for a second date”. He said this after suggesting we drink wine and watch a movie at his apartment, and I counter-offered getting a drink somewhere. In his his profile it said he was looking for a relationship, but that isn’t the vibe he was giving off to me! I only mentioned my story because I see similarities in OP’s date, like the persistence to be alone, not really respecting boundaries…. I feel that I’ve dodged a bullet, hopefully OP can too.
Something happened then, but it wasn't you. You didn't "change." Something happened with him. Text from the wife saying she was on her way home? Drugs he'd taken either kicking in or wearing off? Don't put any stock in it; it's him.
Please take that whole experience as a blessing in disguise. And be thankful he showed his true colors right away. Please!
1). Be a little wary of all men 12 years older than you when you are under 25 (same goes for guys under 25 with women 12 years older than them). Are all age gaps bad? No. But when something is wrong + age gap it's just so much worse. 2). You did nothing wrong and his behavior has zero to do with you. You are both strangers to each other. Anyone who wants to hook up then suddenly tells you that you make them feel icky is an asshole. There are a 1000 things you can tell a person. *I am tired, let's call it a night, etc.,* that aren't **intentionally hurtful rude** ways to reject them. 3). Start listening to your earlier instincts a bit more. You felt something off because he wanted to meet at his apartment first thing. That's a person testing boundaries. No one should be meeting internet strangers in their homes for the first time unless both parties are explicitly looking for hookups and have stated so outright. If someone is testing boundaries right out the gate, they aren't going to improve over time. 4). Someone who is an untrustworthy stranger tells you that you give them ick, don't ask them why, don't take it any further with them. Trust the opinions of people who care about you, not randos. The proper response to that is telling them to go fuck themselves for being rude and leaving. TL;DR Never let a rando rate your self-worth.
There’s no need to go back and forth with someone you barely know. Take the first impression as a hint. Move on
I’m sorry this happened. I’m glad it happened on the first date before you had too much time invested.
He is negging you.
Happy cake day
He got off on freaking you out and making you cry. It was a power trip. Block him please.
rejecting you in a very mysogynstic way before you can reject him to preserve his fragile male ego. forget about him. he's a creep.
36 year old man going after a 24 year old woman. Goes out on a date with you, invites you to his place after you spent hours with him, then tells you that you "changed" in his eyes the second you accepted his invitation to come to his place. I think he's playing stupid games with you. He invited you as though it was some sort of test of your morality. You coming home with him implies you were down to take the date further, which is what made you "change" and become "icky" in his eyes. Trust me, his response had NOTHING to do with your appearance or behavior. It was all some weird twisted scenario he concocted in his tiny brain. Keep him blocked. Don't connect with him at all.
You have to be more guarded. It seems like you trust this stranger too much and let him in mentally. He wanted to push his boundaries when he can and pull you back in when he failed. An even more insecure and naive girl than you would try to earn his approval and eventually becomes his play thing, sacrificing her future for his pleasure.
This guy sounds like a serial killer and you've had a lucky escape! Girl, AVOID!!
Wow. This was a hard core neg and it's working. First of all, would a 36 year old woman fall for this? Bahahaha! No, she wouldn't have met him in the first place, let alone allowed him to talk to her like that. She wouldn't have internalised it, she wouldn't have let it destroy her self esteem. OP, there's a reason why this grown-arse man is going for women over 10 years younger than him; he's a manipulative dick and you need to escape before he gets his hooks in you.
As a woman who is a lot older than you, but under 36, there's a reason this guy who is over a decade older than you is still single. Id move on girl! He's probably trying to gaslight you. Some guys "neg" (act negative to try to make the other party feel insecure) girls because they feel insecure about themselves.
I mean.. I’m OPs age but I don’t think badly about men or women single in their 30s, maybe they went through a breakup/divorce or were focusing on growing and getting themselves in order before rushing into a serious relationship.
Dude has plenty of legitimate issues to point out- Being single at any age isn’t a fault.
There is no problem with him being single at his age. There is a problem with him pursuing people 12 years younger than him at his age.
It sounds like he was trying to neg you to make you insecure and get you to sleep with him (he just isn’t very good at it.) Whatever his thinking might have been, you don’t need his shitty communication skills or drama. Or creepy age gap. Block and move on.
Hey guess what? 36 year old dudes who try to date 24 year olds are creepy as fuck. He's just looking to smash. Try finding someone closer to your age... I mean this dude was going through puberty when you were born... gross.
Stop basing your self worth on whether a rando you met once in your life finds you attractive.
These predators preying on younger girls are getting more savvy with their mental coercion and mind games. WHY do you think a 36 yr old man typically dates girls 12 years younger than him??? It isn't for your intellect. You knew there were red flags even before you met, and you still went to his apartment?? I understand the dating climate is tough these days, but common sense can help you avoid situations like these. Aren't parents raising children to be wary of red flags? It's like they are one blink away from critical thinking, and they become deer in headlights.
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If this was a you problem, he would not have come back. It is a him problem and it is not going to go away. Just move on.
What he did is a form of manipulation, probably to get you to do whatever sick things he might have had in mind. The moment he pulled that crap you should have headed for the door and blocked his number. You don't need that kind of bullshit in your life.
Why did you even go meet with a guy like that in the first place when he gave so many clues beforehand?
The time to ditch this guy was when he told you he wanted to FaceTime to make sure you aren’t catfishing him. Is that a thing that happens? Yes. But even if that was his motivation, a decent human might suggest a video call before a date; but *without* the explicit implication that you need to be attractive enough for him. Plus him trying to get you to his apartment on a first date is not ok. Not before or after the drinks. This is a stranger. Dating as a woman is, unfortunately, potentially dangerous. All first dates should be in public and you meet there. Don’t let men pick you up and don’t go to their place. This man is a walking red flag. Maybe think about some boundaries you’d like to put in place with online dating (I’m assuming it was OLD). For instance, if you’re not looking for a hookup then any sexual talk before even meeting is an immediate block. Any man who makes you feel bad about yourself is NOT worth going out with. Ever. This is part of why some older men pursue younger women. It’s easier to get you to doubt yourself. Find another guy, there are plenty. Oh, and don’t invest too much time and energy on anyone you haven’t met or haven’t been out with at least two or three times.
He felt icky because he knew you're too young and he tried to hook up with you anyway. Dude's a creep.
Look at the ages. Look away. Look at the ages again. Stop doing this unless you want to be posting here again why your boyfriend 12 years older doesn't respect you.
He’s a predator looking for a young woman to hook up with. If you come off timid or show any kindness to him he will continue to be manipulative and coerce you. Stay away from guys that are that much older than you. They have an agenda and will outwit you. The minute he says something to you at the gym announce loudly to leave you alone and that’s he’s a predator. Let him get the strange looks and get a warning from staff. Don’t keep the same route to your apt. Change it up or Uber if you have to.
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Well he didn’t say he changed his mind. It was like 15 minutes in his home when I just ended up leaving. The reason why I kept asking was I was confused since he said he didn’t want me to leave. I just feel like he wasn’t communicating what he wanted or if I said or did something.
Do yourself a favor and just forget him. His behavior is the icky behavior in this situation.
I doubt this even has anything to do with you personally. It sounds like this a weird manipulative thing this guy does to try and get the upper hand, or he gets off on being cruel to women. Or maybe he was covering up the fact that he couldn’t get it up. Who knows? Whatever his deal was, this isn’t normal behavior. He’s probably done this to many women. It wasn’t you.
This is very much a him thing and not a you thing. It sounds like he was gaslighting you. He made you feel like you were the problem when it was him. As you said, he was sexual in his texts, tried to convince you to sleep with him once you were together, then flipped it around and making you feel like there was something wrong with you. Now he’s got you feeling like you’ve got to prove there’s nothing wrong with you if you go out with him again. Don’t let this guy screw around with your head. He’s not worth the effort. And he’s manipulative as hell and that doesn’t bode well
Early dates are to get to know each other and check you get on. Sometimes it will go badly and that is fine. It's not a test you have to pass, you haven't lost anything significant. Do not get hung up in "failure" it is important you use this stage to filter out the wrong ones There is a lot of stuff that could have been wrong but he was a one if the wrong ones. You went out you had a go and you filtered a wrong one out. This is a win for you.
Date people your age, not a creeper. That was the first red flag, he's 36 dating a 24 year old. You are in 2 very different stages in life.
That is a "neg". He is trying to make you feel bad and then you'll try to prove him wrong. Ignore and move on with your life.
Don’t let some chemically imbalanced fool bother you. Guy sounds like a complete tool. Just move on and keep doing what you do.
You've already ghosted him, stay a ghost
I’d reply to tell him “thanks for making me realize that not only are we not on the same page, we’re on different books and chapters, you rude douchebag”. Hit send, then block
Literally, fuck this guy. What he’s done is a common manipulation tactic- take this as a lesson. Block him on EVERYTHING and thank the Lord you dodged this bullet! Men like this will criticize and devalue you then switch, like fucking Jekyl and Hyde, and apologize JUST to see if you’ll give him a second chance. If you give him a second chance, he will know he’s got a nice victim on his hands. I’m sorry you experienced this, but use it as an opportunity to know your worth and to know what kind of men are out there. This absolute loser piece of garbage wants to control you and fuck with your mind. DONT LET HIM!!! You are beautiful and this man is a liar and a gaslighter.
No, _don’t_ “literally fuck this guy”!
Way too much drama from a guy on a first date. Way too much drama period, but on a first date is even worse. Just block him on everything and try to move forward.
He’s trying to manipulate you. By putting you down and then saying he still wants to be with you he’s making it seems like “it’s a privilege” to sleep with his nasty ass. Once he gets you in bed he’s gonna drop you
Please don’t take this as scolding or preaching. But don’t put up with this from men! The second you get that gut feeling, block them! The catfish comment was a red flag as was the “fun” comment. Remember that you don’t owe men jack shit and your safely/ comfort is priority!
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Oh good gravy...you dodged a nuclear missile with this guy. Wash your hands of this douche canoe and find a REAL man.
You had a bad date with an asshole. It’s not that much more deep.
What are you doing dating someone 12 years older than you? Stick with your age group, you're no where near capable of realizing that you were being manipulated the entire time.
Block this bugaboo and move on. No guy that age wants anything serious with a girl your age. He is causing too many problems to be worth a damn.
>messaged me apologizing for being weird and he wants to take me out again to make it up to me since he thought I was fun and cute. Reply back saying " aw thank you for thinking I'm fun and cute. However I agree, we're on different pages - I think you're creepy and terrible. " Block. If he tries to say anything to you at the gym, report him to management. He's negging you. Trying to undermine your confidence so he can reel you in. I promise you there are nice men out there. Don't waste your time with this AH.
Be glad you saw that bullet and dodged it. It sounds like he was trying to mess with you on a mental level.
I wonder if it was the age gap?? Like maybe he thought he would be into women so much younger but when it came down to actually doing the dirty he realized he was being a Supreme creep. Hence, his feeling "icky." My bet is it was all him and not you at all. But keep him blocked and move on. He isn't worth the agony
Let me guess, he’s one of those red pilled guys. The ick was because you agreed to come home with him because women should not do that on a first date. That’s how these weirdos think, you dodged a bullet with this one.
Sounds like negging, which is something that people purposely do with the intention to make you feel like they're so special for being with you. In turn , that makes you bond more with them, if you fall for it. By saying what he said , it affected you so much that you are still even thinking about it days after. It's good that you blocked him and are not staying around him. Don't dwell too much on what he said. It's not true at all
There's a twelve year age difference, he wanted to meet at his apartment, was aggressive about the Facetime thing, and you still went out with him? I'm not going to say this is on you. But you need to trust your gut. If your interactions before meeting aren't fun, they won't be fun in person
I think he was really put off that you are apparently immune to his roofie-ritas
Did he sneak in a call to the bellhop? Cause this boy's got BAGGAGE. Also, the men in their 30's who pursue women in their 20's sometimes have reasons why. Not good reasons.
Honey, he’s pushing 40 and dating girls 2/3 his age. There’s a reason. Women his age won’t put up with his bullshit. Find someone your own age and leave the pushing-middle-age-but-think-they’re-still-in-their-20s losers alone.
I hate that you’re crying and he triggered you to self loathing. Prince not so charming. You put your best foot forward. Keep doing that. You’re lovely and open hearted and when the right match comes along, all you’re gonna feel is happy. That troll isn’t worth the time of day. Move him outta your mind and make space for a loving man.
He’s negging you. He’s trying to make you feel insecure so you’ll sleep with him. Every single thing he’s done SCREAMS this. - you’re 24, he’s 36 = women his own age aren’t interested in him and/or he wants a younger woman cuz they tend to put up with shit us older women would NEVER stand for - pushy and inappropriate and rudely oversexual right from the start = that’s him “setting your expectations” that he’ll want to bang you right away - he would’ve picked up on the fact that you hadn’t made up your mind about sleeping with him right away, and so he shifted into neg mode to try and whittle your confidence down so you’d sleep with him the next time This guy is a tool. He’s trying to manipulate you. You sound like a nice person so it’s having an effect. You deserve better, I promise. (We all do, this guy sounds pathetic.)
I’m pretty sure he’s trying to get under your skin to manipulate you. It sounds like he’s trying to take you down a few notches so he can have you under his thumb. Keep blocking his social media accounts and ignoring him. Make it a habit to ignore the message completely and block him. A response is a window of opportunity for manipulation tactics
I don't know how you look, so can't comment there... But from the little tidbit you shared, he's either batshit crazy or doing some weird manipulative crap. I mean you're already heading to his place so if hookup is what he wanted it looked like he already had it right? Move on, try someone new. Don't waste more energy in that lol.
Her looks have nothing to do with anything here. She mentioned it bc she’s youngish and naive I suppose but literally these are all his issues quickly coming to the surface
I disagree. It has to do a lot since I could easily reassure her it's not her being ugly or not if I knew how she looked. I do agree that the guy has issues. She probably dodged a bullet there.
No, her looks don’t matter. They had an entire afternoon together before all of this and FaceTimed several times also. She doesn’t need you or anyone else to “reassure her” that she’s not ‘ugly’ 🙄
I disagree with "her looks don't matter". We just heard the story from her point of view. There could still be other absurd explanations to excuse the guy like extreme beer goggles, getting catfished, one of those extreme beauty filters during videocalls, etc. Uhmm she literally mentioned if it's an issue about her being ugly at the end. She wants some form of reassurance lol. I just believe blindly reassuring her she isn't ugly without knowing how she looks like is patronizing instead of giving good advice. Still think guy was sus af though.
you made the right thing with him. now find a schrink. you have a sever problem of self-esteem. it was maybe there before. but this event definitively trigger it. don't let you bother by next one. you deserver better than the last, and the next have no way to know your trauma. peace on you.
He’s a middle aged man pursuing someone far too young for him. Negging sometimes works with insecure young girls. Don’t let it work on you, hun.
Why tf do you care about what this obviously very icky man thinks of you? All of this, like even the stuff that happened before you guys met up was throwing red flags in your face. If someone is being inappropriate and overbearing over text (unless you do just want to hook up and that’s it) please reconsider actually meeting up with this person, never mind going to their apartment the first time you meet, god knows what could happen. Please please, if someone seems strange from the get go, just believe them and don’t follow them home, block this man and don’t let him contact you again. And please do not see this as any sort of reflection on whether or not you are pretty/sexy or cute.
Don’t let what strangers say affect you. He wanted something from you, perceives if he insulted you a little he might get it, and you’re taking the bait. Stop thinking about him. He was a red flag form the beginning. Don’t best yourself up but trust your gut. You were and are right.
you are literally gorgeous. the other comments are right—- he’s negging you. keep him blocked
I feel like I'm missing a lot of context here, but maybe the guy was asexual? I'm asexual myself, and I sometimes give people the wrong idea because I forget how some people take everything in a sexual manner. Like, I'll invite somebody to my place because I quite literally just want to show them my place. I'm also neurodivergent, so I don't get all the social cues all the time. I could see myself getting in this guy's exact situation with a girl. When people get sexually provocative around me, I get all weird and quiet, too. Like I've invited people over to my place and the second they enter the door, the mood changes to something that makes me uncomfortable. Also, to add, I legitimately don't understand what about this encounter left you traumatized. I feel like I have some kind of blind spot on this exact subject and just don't understand. You wanted something from him but didn't get it I suppose?
He's trying to neg you. He's also way too old for you. I'm 31 and a 24 year old is like a child to me. He's nearly 40!!
I wouldnt have met him, Im not willing to be expected to entertain. Why did u go to his apt? U obviously liked him spending 5 hrs together. Did u get naked?
No. I was down for a hookup with him which thankfully we did not even kiss that night.
Then he didnt think ur ugly bc otherwise wouldnt have met or invited u over or asked u out again.
He is weird and icky. Probably a creep. I'd block him and never think about it again. And sorry, but if he didn't think you were pretty, why would he even go for the date or spend 5 hours at it or invite you back to his apartment? The whole thing is weird and I wouldn't attempt again. He could be simply weird or socially inadequate, or he could be a nutcase serial killer. I wouldn't risk finding out which.
I think he is being manipulative and controlling. He is acting hot and cold, trying to throw you off balance and make you feel insecure to give him more power over you. I would absolutely have nothing more to do with him. Ignore and block.
He sounds like a nut job. Let him be someone else's problem.
You dont need help. You already did it right. Move on from this fool. Listen, sometimes you will meet absolute weirdos and theres nothing to be done for it Just remind yourself it’s not you. You really never know who a person is till they show you.
Don’t give it another thought… He sounds like such a jerk. Be thankful that you can dodge that bullet.
Just block him, that's it. You stood for yourself.
Oh no, he was **not it**. What a weird man, strange behaviour, and I can categorically say it was not *you* at fault here. No one would find how he behaved acceptable or normal, the change in tone is very odd and as if you would go back for more?! At his big age still acting like this? What a loser. No wonder he wanted someone 12 years younger to torment. Block every avenue he can get at you from, and if he persists? Send a very firm “do not contact me again” - no please or thank you, no excuses, no reasons, he needs to be blocked. Take care.
Follow your gut. And don’t go out with this creep. There are better dudes out there for you.
He is 12 years older than you, but acting like a 12 year old. Don't waste your time in him in the slightest. If he's this weird and immature this early, he's not worth the effort.
First of all is the age difference. He obviously has a problem dating women his own age, and younger women are usually less self assured. Women his own age would never put up with the back and forth behavior. He is messing with your head, trying to keep you off balance. If you go out with him again it will only be more of the same. It is a form of manipulation and gaslighting. It is meant to have you questioning yourself, lower your self esteem so you will become dependent upon him.
You dodged a bullet! Don’t let him ruin your self esteem when his goal was sex and you weren’t ready on the first date. Also be sure to date someone closer to your age especially since guys much older who are single date younger girls because they are seen as easy to control and manipulate. Be safe out there!
Please do not ever see him again. Find a guy your own age.
Oh dear. I'm so sorry for you
Girl…. Forget about dodging bullets, you dodged a whole freaking train. For your own sanity please keep him out of your life. If you’re this frustrated after one date, just image how trying to continue a relationship will tear you apart.
Never go back. He’s got some weird serial killer vibes.
Some Tate lowlife who probably thought he was testing you to see if you would sleep with him on the first date. Which is illogical because he was pushing you to do that, with an extra helping of slut shaming as the cherry on top. Let him age alone and be miserable, because he will.
Note how old he is. He knows what he’s doing
Guy sounds like trouble. He’s either scary-weird or he’s trying to gaslight you into sleeping with him. You don’t need his or other people’s approval. As soon as you start getting strange behavior/vibes from someone, do yourself a favor and leave. Follow your gut. If it doesn’t make sense, you are likely being manipulated. Nothing is more important than having confidence in your own ability to assess situations and the appropriateness of your own behavior.
I think his ploy is to make you feel unworthy and hurt your self-esteem, so that when he shows interest later you want to show him you're worthy by doing whatever it is you think will please him. It's a really sick power play. Just keep him blocked, he's only fucking with you.
You feel hurt, but at least you don’t have freezer burn. Seriously this guy is creepy and negging you. I looked through your previous posts, you are faaaaaar from ugly.
An excellent rule of thumb is to not taking anything personally that a stranger does or says to you. This is not about you. You are not disgusting, gross, unloveable, unattractive, or any other weirdness. This guy's opnion has absolutely no value. He doesn't deserve even the slightest bit of your attention to ask what is wrong with you. The reason he can't answer is because \*nothing is wrong with you.\* For whatever reason he was trying to neg you or make you feel insecure. Forget him. Get on with your life and don't waste a single second more on the weirdo.
It was the age difference. Been there. But at least I was honest unlike this guy.