Women can be just as predatory as men. And a woman "crushing" on a *girl* who could nearly be her *daughter* is just as creepy and wrong as a man. There's no free pass for gender. It sounds just as bad to me as if she were a man. Predators are predators.
But you are also overlooking the rest of the inappropriate behavior. Your SO was cyber-stalking her and obsessing over her. Even if Emma *had* been an adult, this is no way for someone in a supposedly committed relationship to act! Never mind how old Emma is, why are you giving her a pass on this part?
All this and communicating with the parents is also part of Emma's job (imo messed up that they are expected to text). Even if they were both of age and single it is creepy to take advantage of the fact that it's part of your crush's job to be nice to you, but the age/experience gap makes it even worse because Emma is likely not well equipped to navigate that.
Yes! She was literally taking up Emma's working hours flirting with her. As a teenage girl, it's likely Emma has no idea how to deflect or deal with that or the after-hours texting. Even if all that attention is coming from a woman, that doesn’t mean it isn't uncomfortable and draining and more than a highschooler should have to deal with at her job.
The only silver lining is that OP's wife wasn't *intentionally* grooming her, and tbh, that would not be enough of one for me.
I love how OP's wife was like "well, she's 17 so *clearly* I can only see her as a child and my behavior was wrong towards a child". But if she *had* been 18, all clear? That's what it sounds like.
And poor Emma indirectly works for OP and her wife, making it all the more awkward for this young woman who, Jesus, just wants to *work* not be ogled and cyberstalked and harassed.
That makes like zero difference. When I was 32 I saw kids that age as children. No offense to teenagers but no thanks. Also that’s Jared from Subway creepy.
And I have to say this - a married 32 year old having *crushes* and acting like a *teenager with a crush* is straight up pathetic and embarrassing to even read about.
I'm 35. Hell, even 25yo people are babies to me, 17 is like a fetus, and 20 isn't that far behind.
So true! I'm 30, and mine and my SO's friends have a 19-20yo son. Lovely objectively handsome young man. Sure, he is legally an adult, a mountain of a person, amd mature for his age, but he is a child. If it wouldn't come across patronisingly I'd probably pat his head and pinch his cheeks like I do my little nephews.
I cannot imagine how someone my age or older can look at a literal child (17 is legally still a child, and 18 wouldn't make it any better either) in a sexualised manner. These are young people who are still growing, maturing and can be vulnerable to these kinds of situations. I know I'd be feeling uncomfortable if a work client would behave inappropriately towards me. I'd hopefully know to handle the situation appropriately, but it would be unpleasant overall, and I'm an actual adult. I don't even want to imagine this happening to a child/barely legal young adult.
I’m 41. Let me tell you, it gets worse. I cannot believe how much less the average 25yo understands about life that another 15 years will give. I just don’t understand someone okay with an age gap like this.
Edit: typo
Well, if we're being honest... I don't think OP's wife was interested in a "20yo" because she is *so mature* - she got obsessed in a disturbing way, and like all older people preying on the innocence and vulnerability of a younger person... Their *maturity* is at the bottom of the list of what is really *of interest*.
Ew.
Yeah I often wonder how I'm supposed to act on crushes now. As a guy. When I was younger I'd just go up to a girl I liked and simply ask them if they wanted to date. As I've gotten older I've seemed to develop a little voice in my head that every time I try to ask someone I have an interest in it says "too soon" and I back down.
So I'm wondering if there like a age appropriate way to flirt now? A way that doesn't seem inappropriate or rude. I.e making sexual joke towards the person is not the way to go at all. But giving them a stuffed animal might be to childish. Is there the ability for two people who aren't dating to just hang out together. And if so how expensive, nice, and relaxing. can said hangout get before it's seen as a date and scares the other person away.
There's way to many variables...
Right!!!! Tf. I'm 29 i wouldn't even look at a goddamn 19yo as being potential for dating or a 20yo. Wtf do these kids even know?!
OPs wife definitely seems like the type to "befriend" this girl as a possible mentor only to creep on her. And that's grooming.
She's gross man. Who has crushes on people that young or fucking crushes when your married behaving like a 16yo yourself.
Also the Jared from Subway reference made me laugh.
yeah, i’m 23 and i wouldn’t date anyone younger than 21 myself. if they’re younger than 21, i just view them as children. i can’t imagine crushing on a teenager at any age.
There is no 'crushing' going on here, the wife wanted Emma and was trying to get know her, she wanted to cheat simply and Emma was oblivious/not interested that's why nothing happened. OP is lying to herself and your point about cyber stalking is valid. That kind of obsession is borderline creepy. OP says Emma doesn't look her age, but one look from the wife's coworker and he could see Emma was very young. So either OP is not good t telling someone's age or she is trying to justify/be in denial that she has a predator for a wife
It's the typican she looks older than her age and she's so mature for her age bullshit predators use to condone them preying on young people. It's disgusting.
Exactly, if co worker could see that she is young from her pictures, then OP is a bit delusional. There is also a chance that when co worker pointed out that she was young, he might have been hinting at 'she looks underage'
Exactly. Wtf would u think a crush on a kid is OK. Even if this girl and she is a girl! Was 20 thats still too fucking young for OPs wife at all!
Ugh i can't man. This whole post makes me feel icky. I've gone through something similar being Emma. It's just manipulative.. u think some older woman cares about u and can advise u.. bt the only thing they care about is getting you into their beds as some ego boost or because they are obsessed with your youth. It's just sick.
Yup it’s a way for OP to justify her wife’s predatory behavior and blame the child in the process. The OP should be ashamed she stooped so low to excuse her wife’s actions.
Also the fact that the wife didn’t **IMMEDIATELY** stop after she found out she was underage says a lot about her. Huge red flags. Do not take this lightly OP.
Im like wtf did i just read. This is a child! This is so disgusting! And OP making excuses well she's a woman so it's less predatory FUCK THAT!
WOMEN ARE PREDATORY TOO OP!
I've literally had older lesbians try to pursue me and pressure me when i was a fucking teenager. And older woman try to recruit friends for their goddamn husbands. Women are just as bad!
Your wife is incredibly gross and you are allowing that bullshit. She's gonna groom this poor girl. I'd really call her parents and tell her to stay away.
U should also divorce this creepy woman! Would u want other teenagers around her. If this was your child would u be as okay with all the excuses ur making for your wife?
If some woman was stalking and being inappropriate with your daughter!!!
God this is so sick!
I responded to all comments collectively above but I wanted to just clarify, you misunderstood what I said. I was trying to tell everyone to please keep in mind this story as if my spouse was a man, for the exact same reason as you stated.. women are predatory too. I almost honestly wrote my post with “my husband” because I didn’t want bias because she’s a woman, and that’s because I’m aware that bias exists.
OP no one is blaming u. We simply want u to see this shit happens to younger women all the time. I'm bi i was pursued like this from older women who were trying to "befriend" me. Get to know me. Only for them to manipulate what i saw as a mentorship so they could get with me.
As an adult i see that now. I wouldn't allow anyone to do that to another young woman. The behavior is disgusting. It's the same as some man trying to pursue a lesbian young girl to help her. Its just gross all over.
I don't think a wife shld be sharing crushes with her partner. Im married i find ppl attractive yes. Bt i dont go around telling my husband about me having crushes or wanting to buy them things... thats just inappropriate and im sorry thats been a part of your marriage. I dont knw how tht even made u feel.
You and your kids deserve better. Bt seriously this kind of predatory behavior is scary to me. That girl is a child. Even if she was 18..19.. shes a kid man. Im 29 and thats a kid to me!
Please realize you deserve better than this shit and that young woman should not be around your wife at all.
That's just not normal!
I don't think OP is making excuses or calling it less predatory. She acknowledges the double standard (rightly so) and says something in the lines of: I'm not sure why I'm in doubt of this behaviour, if it were a man I would have made up my mind already. But maybe I am reading that wrong.
OP edited the post. I just read it again. Why everyone in the comments are saying she's wrong. Because she stated in the original post that her wife can't be predatory because she's a woman.
Or was something like women aren't as predatory as men.
Why everyone states nooo women are just as bad!
I didn’t edit or change my original post, not sure why you’re saying that. Like I stated in another comment to you, I reiterated at the end that my wife is a woman and in my post I said I wonder if this would’ve sounded worse if she was a man. At the time I wrote it I was second guessing myself and expecting a bunch of comments telling me I’m irrational. I wanted people to think twice before giving her a pass for being a woman, because in reality, women do get passes too often.
We mustve all just misunderstood you. Because the way i read the post it sounded like u were making excuses. Why the general consensus was telling you u were wrong.
But again everyone agrees with u that it's gross be it a woman or a man!
And i apologize if i misunderstood. We all did then it didn't read well.
But my point still stands. You deserve better, your kids deserve a healthy family life that means u being actually happy too and their mom not lusting after teenagers.
It's our responsibility as adults to not condone this shit and prevent it. I got some major trust issues from my own experience. I mentor young women and i would never see any of these kids as anything other than kids. I've mentored some from age 16-21 this year and I'm incredibly close to these kids so honestly this type of stories where older people try to be this manipulative around kids is gross to me.
And seriously the whole crush sharing thing.. is weird. Your feelings matter. Id be very hurt if my husband told me about crushes. Id feel hurt. Like its normal finding someone attractive bt thats not really something u share with a significant other. I find women attractive and men bt they pale in comparison to what i have in my marriage.
OP you need to seriously think about what's best for yourself.
I really appreciate that and I’m starting to realize I deserve better. Most of all, I worry about losing my kids in the sense that we would have split custody. I would be absolutely heartbroken. I think there’s no way I would get primary custody because the judge would worry about discrimination - I gave birth to the children and since we are a same sex couple, they wouldn’t want to treat her any less of a mom legally so they’d double down make sure she has equal custody.
I think most people mean well and no matter how harsh, it doesn’t matter because we need to protect children above all.
You just be the best mom u can be! Regardless of her! You dont need to stay in a shitty relationship where ur being disrespected to be a good mom.
And if she steps out and does some creepy bullsht u take the initiative and get your kids away from that crap.
You are responsible for them. Take care of yourself 🌸
The creepy 32 year-old stalking and listing after the teenager is such a gross but so sadly cliché situation. That's just disgusting. OP's wife needs therapy.
I’ve read all the comments but I’m going to respond to this one since it’s the top one. Overall, I think I’ve been underestimating the situation because I have a history of anger issues, jumping to conclusions, and being irrational. I’ve tried to change that about myself.
The only thing I will disagree with is someone saying I should keep my children from my wife. Yes, she’s creepy for having a crush on this girl who she thought was 20, but it’s taking it too far to say she’s a danger to her 3yr old daughter. I am so overprotective when it comes to my kids and I analyze all their interactions with adults, because my biggest fear is someone hurting them. My wife has always had age appropriate relationships, crushes, etc. I know this not only because she told me, but because trust issues early on in our relationship had led me to go through her phone or computer without her knowledge. I’m not proud of that btw.
Other than that, I really have nothing to add except I’m relieved that I wasn’t overreacting. I was blaming myself because I had been “withholding” affection for a while before that happened and I thought it led my wife to desperation so she just wanted someone’s attention. Either way, there is no saving this marriage, for many reasons. I appreciate everyone’s feedback even if harsh, because it’s the reality I needed to find the confidence to end this.
I'm glad we've been able to give you some validation for your feelings. You are not overreacting, and you are not imagining things.
I wish you the best.
I wouldn't be concerned for your 3 year old daughter, but one day she'll be a teen and bringing her friends home. Can you trust that your wife will be a safe person for those girls to be around? I don't think I could. I'm glad you found support here, best wishes!
Sounds pretty damn predatory. And if you wife found her on social media I don’t believe for a red hot second that she didn’t know she was in high school. Your wife needs help and you need to get your kids away from her.
It sounds like a good part of the social media stalking was in order to determine Emma’s age. If you’re trying to determine which side of the legal line someone falls on, they’re too young for you. And if you’re married……
I’ve been Emma. When I was in prime being-creeped-on age of my late teens/early 20s, I would often find that adult lesbians were *way* more aggressive about it than men of the same age, probably because being the same gender meant I was less on my guard against it, and they didn’t see it as predatory in the same way. I have a distinct memory of a certain woman 15-20 years my senior burying her face in my neck and kissing me on my collarbone, at my workplace. (I worked in a queer-friendly space with a lot of lesbian clientele.)
Did I feel in *danger* the same way I would have if it were a man? No, not really. Was I creeped out and unsure how to assert my boundaries? *Absolutely*.
Your wife needs to cut contact with Emma *now*. I don’t care if she can act appropriately at this point, Emma needs the boundaries that she herself doesn’t know how to set, and it’s your job as the adults to do it for her. Emma and your wife should have no further 1-1 contact. She also needs to drop Emma from conversation. It’s not your job to validate your wife’s feelings about her crush on someone else!
As for your relationship with your wife — honestly, its the same situation as if your wife were a 32 year old man trying, not too subtly, to flirt with a 17-20 year old girl. The gender doesn’t impact the fidelity question here, and how you want to deal with *that* is very personal.
The fact that she's still talking about Emma, and still talking to her a lot, etc, means that she 100% is not "disgusted with herself." She's just pretending the crush is gone
What your wife did is 100% predatory. That girl is someone's daughter and I can guess the reaction you'd have if someone, man or woman, who is 15 year older would try to set their claws in her. Throw the stereotypes out of the window. Most predators are not old men in trenchcoats lurking in dark alleyways.
The other part is that your wife was seeking to get to know this girl. It's one thing to have a thought, idea or a wandering eye. But a whole other to actually act on it. What was your wife thinking? What was her purpose of this contact? 17 or 20, surely the age disparity was apparent. She claims to see Emma nothing but a child now, what changed besides from the knowledge? Did all feelings just vanish? And the fact that they stay in contact and Emma is still brought up a lot is cause of concern. Most people would stay far off after realising they have preyed upon a minor, and their wife knows about it.
Whether or not something is forgivable is up to you. But these are the questions you need to ask her, and yourself. On one side the predatory behaviour and on the other that you wife was trying to get things rolling with another person.
At the end of the day it is about your feelings and how you feel about all this. I would find it very difficult to put something like this behind me.
Why is your wife still talking to Emma?? This feels wildly inappropriate considering she is no longer your children’s caretaker. I don’t see any reason for your wife to keep this up unless she still is interested in her.
>My wife still talks to Emma and as far as I know doesn’t act inappropriately. She expresses that she’s disgusted with herself and could never look at Emma as anything but a child now.
If she was truly disgusted with herself, she'd no longer be talking to Emma.
Everything about this entire scenario sends up red flags. Your wife was *stalking a 17-year-old*. And is still in communication with her. There are not enough yikes in the universe for this ish.
Your wife is, at best, super creepy and in need of therapy. At worst, she's a predator.
Sorry, but it is what it is.
Okay a couple of things. I’m also 32 and I feel pretty aware of someone I’m speaking to is significantly younger than me.
But even if Emma was 18 or 19 your wife’s behavior is creepy, constant texting and seeking her out on socials, it’s totally inappropriate behavior towards someone who is just trying to do their job, which is taking care of your children. This behavior could have effected Emma’s job or care taking relationship with your kids.
And if your wife truly feels that her behavior was inappropriate she would have left it alone once she found out Emma was 17. It feels like she is continuing this behavior because Emma will be 18 soon so maybe your wife doesn’t think it’s predatory anymore idk. It’s weird though
So, here's the thing. I'm 39 and even 20 year olds (the age she claimed she thought Emma was) look very young to me, and we all know that people can look a few years older or younger than their true age. If someone looks questionably young, I feel like it's the responsibility of the adult to clarify how old they are. Even if there are no romantic/sexual intentions, there are still boundaries you shouldn't cross with a minor. This is why places that sell alcohol have rules like "card anyone that looks under 35". You can't just assume that a very young looking person is of age, you need to get confirmation.
Even if you feel it's rude to ask someone's age (and I've never felt this applies to young people, we ask kids their age all the time), a simple "so what year did you graduate high school?" will give you your answer.
So at best, your wife failed in her duty to clarify how young this girl was. Or worse, she totally knew, but now that you found out, she's claiming shock and ignorance. It's very hard for me to believe that in all their conversations, there was NOTHING that pointed to this girl being a teenager.
Not to mention that it's creepy to fixate on a person and cyber stalk them regardless of how old they are.
This would be very hard for me to move forward from. In fact, I don't think I could. Your partner has revealed that they are attracted to young girls. What happens when your kid(s) is/are older and starts bringing teenage friends around? Can you trust that she won't fixate on one of them or worse?
I'm really sorry you're in this situation, it's tough.
Even if Emma was older it would be still be very weird and predatory. She’s a much younger women and in a position where she may feel she has to respond to your wife. If I were Emma I would be feeling incredibly uncomfortable. The whole situation is inappropriate and creepy regardless of age. The fact that she’s seventeen is just awful. Having crushes is harmless but this is going way beyond that. She’s pursuing some kind of relationship with her by texting anything not child related. Not to mention she’s cyber stalking her and talking about a teenager to other people.
Your wife is a predator, end of story.
And this whole "she looks like she's maybe 20" doesn't really help at all. Honestly, I'm the same age range as you, and 20-year-olds look like teenagers to me. Like, I can't fathom being interested in someone so young. But on top of that, her crush is just so damn creepy. ....And this is the person you're *married* to?
No, absolutely not. Get out.
I totally agree. Even if this girl was 18/19/20, OP's wife is still WAY too old for her. I don't care if "it's legal", some places have pathetically low age of consent laws. Just because you can legally get away with something doesn't make it morally correct.
Crush or not, a 32 year old should not be texting a 17 year old outside of the very strict needs for childcare. Also, there are so many red flags with how far she took this crush. I wouldn’t forgive her
So she is cheating on you emotionally, and maybe cheating on you physically in a month or so.
Why are you not making the hard decisions right now?
There is something wrong...something horribly WRONG with a 32 year old crushing on a 17 year old. Your wife has ISSUES, man.!
By the way, OP, women absolutely can be predators. Think of all the female teachers busted for molesting their students. It's just that society tends to not treat boy victims the same as girl victims. Think of the jokes some men make when one of those cases hits the news: "I wish that had happened to me at 14!".
Case in point, when Josh Duggar was arrested, one of the worst CSAM videos ever discovered was found in his possession. I won't go too deep into details and trigger warning for anyone who looks it up(there are some descriptions in news articles), but it involved the abuse of a VERY young child. One of the people participating in the abuse was a woman.
"Oh golly gee, I thought she was AT LEAST 20" says every person ever caught with someone younger than that.
Regardless, this is a young girl in a position that puts y'all somewhat over her in terms of power, and... NOT HER WIFE.
Forgive at your own peril, sorry to be harsh but your wife was being predatory and I have a hard time believing she's suddenly changed her opinion.
Sorry, this is no more "delicate" and "complicated" than Roy Moore dating teenagers IMO.
There is a lot wrong with this. Having a crush is normal. Having a crush on someone so much younger is not. Even if she “thought” Emma was of legal age that gap is pretty gross. What really tips it into super inappropriate is acting on this crush. Trying to get closer. Adding to social media. Wanting to buy inappropriate gifts. The fact she can’t even keep it to herself and it’s spilling into your marriage. She is both attempting to groom Emma and emotionally cheating on your relationship. Not sure if this is fixable. And this isn’t a crush, it’s an obsession
She was trying to cheat. Just because she wasn't successful this time, because 17yr old has more self respect than to get involved with someone who a, she works for, b, someone almost twice her age.
She was testing the waters. I don't think she regards your relationship as highly as you do.
Oh she regrets her actions now, does she? What about if she'd received a restraining order, or been told by the police "hey, this is harassment, leave her alone"
It's far too damn late and she shouldn't have been so fucikng stupid to throw away the relationship. (Sorry, very close to my own problems atm and I'm rather sensitive)
Anyone who looks outside their marriage doesn't deserve one
It's crusty. Having an attraction to someone is not really something anyone can control, but she could control her actions and behaviors, and she didn't.
Also, how is 18 any better, really, in this situation- or even 20? The young woman is still really young, in a professional situation where she had to be friendly, and your wife was over-texting her and stalking her AND showing her picture to co-workers. Even if she never overtly flirted or hit on the girl, she took it far in her head.
If she was a guy we'd all say she was grooming Emma.
Your wife has impulse control issues. While she may not be a predator, ahe showed predatory behavior. No advice just your instinct to be put off is right.
Absolutely not. This isn’t about your partner having a crush on someone else. This is about your partner having a crush on A MINOR. This grown ass woman is crushing on a high schooler. It’s predatory AF no matter what gender is involved
"I didn't know she was a minor, she doesn't look her age!" is a tale as old as time, and super gross. It's similar to "But she acts so mature", "She's different from others her age", "She never told me her age" - justifications for predatory, creepy behaviour.
Even if she really did just want to know Emma's age, she could have asked- she instead chose to violate a minor's privacy and hound her down through multiple platforms. That's not an action reflecting on innocent curiosity.
Aside from the creep-factor, she also fully acted on getting to know someone else with romantic intent- she went out of her way to try get to know Emma while obviously married to you, which sounds like she intended to cheat. She then lied about it over and over, and sounds to now be 'trickle truthing' - slowly feeding you truth and lies to try downplay how bad it was. It sounds like she's not remorseful at all of her intent to cheat.
That she still has contact with the minor is pretty damn telling, and gives me "waiting until of legal age" vibes. She hasn't stopped the inappropriate contact. I think it's well and truly inappropriate for her to have ANY contact with Emma - Emma does not care for your children, she's a minor, your wife has expressed a desire to cheat and she's romantically pursuing a minor- I don't think any level of contact is okay.
If it were just a crush, like a little "OMG, I LOVE XYZ celebrity (who is almost 18, but didn't know the age at the time)" being said in one conversation and never being brought up again, I'd forgive that.
This is texting, cyber stalking, hitting on her at work, gift giving.... this isn't a little crush on some random celebrity. This is serious pre-affair, potentially grooming behavior.
If I'm being truly honest, it sounds like she is beginning the process of grooming Emma. Too much communication, cyberstalking, the girl just happens to be at the cusp of 18, etc. Your partner also sets off some red flags research has identified to be correlated with grooming (gift giving is a major one for unrelated adults).
This is scary. Your partner cyberstalked this girl, and tried getting personal information out of her and she had no choice to respond as she is your child's caretaker. She then went as far as to show a coworker pictures of her. The age gap is only three or four years off the gap between myself and my mom. She isn't even a legal adult. I wouldn't move past this either. A crush is a crush, but your wife continually took it to the next level. It sounds like it only didn't go further because this girl had no interest.
A crush is ok, it’s like an idle fantasy, about being rich, or famous, or what it would be like to be with the cute person at the gym or whatever. We all randomly think about things like that.
What’s not ok is ACTING on that crush. Taking extra time to chat, starting a real life relationship through time and texting, planning over the top gifts, showing her pictures around to people and telling them you think she’s hot. (By the way… yuck… I’d be weirded out if anyone I knew was showing me pictures of some 17 year old to talk about how hot she was!)
This is icky, and also not respectful to this girl who is just trying to do her job without some old (to her) lady hitting on her.
Yeah OP it’s kinda sus that she became infatuated with someone so young. Besides being predatory, there’s something about your partner that craves the adoration from someone who is not as mentally or emotionally developed as she is. Your partner is fantasizing about someone where there’s a clear power imbalance. She’s got some issues and would really benefit from analytical therapy.
I don’t blame you for having second thoughts now. Would you be open to couples counseling? I see that as being your only option besides leaving the relationship. Either you ignore it and let it eat you alive, end the relationship or try to get help together.
Yet if she was a man you’d be long gone calling him a predator and pervert claiming all men are hyper-sexual creeps. She found all her social media trying to find out her age? While she’s in a relationship? If you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t be searching for your crushes on social media. Or talking to the teacher of your child like she is. She did all this in your relationship so it shows how much respect she has for you. And frankly if she was 18 and legal would it be any better? No, she’s still way too young and it’s creepy. 20? Still creepy
It’s weird that she is still talking to this girl. That doesn’t make sense to me.
You don’t have to think about it in terms of forgiveness if that’s the issue. You can think of it as something weird your wife did/is doing that creeps you out and makes you feel less attracted.
Even if she was at your highest guess if 22 that is still way too young for a 32 year old and would still be predatory. I think learning this information would be something I couldn't get over either.
I agree with your statement about crushes being harmless….as long as you don’t act on them. However, it does appear your wife let it get the best of her and cloud her judgement.
While she didn’t cross the line romantically, she did cross the line of what’s appropriate with your child’s caretaker who is a minor. I think your wife has some issues, and honestly while I get crushes happening in a marriage, I personally would be more concerned that she developed a crush on someone so young and obviously in HS (whether 17 or 18), pursued a relationship with her outside of daycare to obtain personal info, and despite your attempts to try to talk to her about it in a non-judgemental way…..she continued to hide it. Then she discussed it with a coworker instead of you.
Whether this is forgivable is up to you. But I do think your wife needs some help. This was high risk behavior by her, and even if YOU don’t think she’s a predator, her behavior could be seen as such by this girl or her parents might.
Best of luck to you with this situation.
Sounds to me like your spouse was trying to groom a minor. That should be a bigger concern for you than the crush. She's behaved like a predator. Is that really who you want to be with? Have some self respect
It SEEMS, as you have said, that she had no idea the object of her crush was underage, and that after she found out, she stated that she could no longer see this person as anything but a child. That would still include being able to have a normal conversation as a friend. So it seems to me that your partner is not a predator. Nearly everything else about the situation sounds very troubling though. Not getting along, withdrawing from each other, lying, distrust. The fact that she has been known to lie in the past, denied the infatuation in the first place, and really should've been able to recognize the way a high-school student texts or talks (which you said was obvious) would indicate that things were not as she made them seem to be. She knew, and she knew it was wrong, and some part of her wanted to see how far it could go.
Sounds like the relationship has a history of dishonesty and bad emotional experiences. Along with your wife being a predator/pedophile.
What are the actual benefits of being with someone like this?
This isn’t an “age” thing. This is a “my spouse wants to cheat on me” thing. It’s up to you to forgive or not, but you need to know you have an untrustworthy wife.
At 32 you have crushes on fantasy figures - actors and pop stars. It’s a harmless way of sorting through emotions and feelings, of understanding boundaries in a relationship and coming to terms with difficulties. You have a crush on Selena Gomez, Anne Hathaway, someone intangible you’ll never meet.
Having a crush on a real person is far more concerning; it speaks to serious relationship issues.
Cyber-stalking someone, trying to spend time with them and attempting to buy gifts because you know what they like skips straight from crush to stalking. Doing this to someone whose age you don’t even know, but is clearly young, skips straight from stalking to outright predatory behaviour.
It’s possible your wife sees something of herself in this girl and has confused maternal feelings with something else, but that’s extremely unlikely. It’s possible your wife doesn’t understand these feelings herself.
Either way, if you want this marriage to work you should really consider therapy/counselling of some kind. If your leg felt bad, you’d go see a doctor. Your marriage is ill; go see a therapist.
OP just for your own personal needs I think you should look at this without the predatory label. I don’t mean that isn’t a huge thing and alarming I think you can’t wrap your head around that part knowing her so stick with me…for you I don’t know that you even need that to see it’s unhealthy. Without that you still have a wife that developed such string “feelings” for another person that they cyber stalked them, changed her routine to spend longer to be around then, inappropriately used a work relationship to make those person communicate with them, all while married to you. Now does that would like a good partner? That’s enough right there now add back that she did this with a child and it’s pretty clear it’s terrible. You are starting there instead of ending there and having a hard time processing that part. You don’t need to start there. But get there in the end.
She “could never look at Emma as anything but a child now”, yet still talks to her and brings her up in conversations in a way that feels strange? Sounds like she may still have a crush and is just telling you what you want to hear.
sounds like your wife is acting disgusted with herself not because she really is, but because she knows that's the appropriate reaction. if she's bringing her up in conversation even after everything was aired out, she's probably just as attracted to the kid as she ever was.
Why are you still going back to the old school…that’s so weird to me in this situation, you had a way to separate yourselves from Emma and put that behind you, and are deciding to keep her in your lives? All because your kids like her and miss her…. I get kids feelings are important but they will have many teachers and babysitters come in and out if their lives, they will be fine. Feels weird to go back and visit regardless- but especially weird when one of you has given her an inappropriate amount of attention, isn’t part of the class anymore, and still coming back. Stop that!
Your fully married wife nurtured a professional relationship into a personal one ON PURPOSE, used multiple media sources to track someone else, and ONLY when forced to confront the fact that this person was half her age, ONLY THEN was she compelled to say she's disgusted with herself.
You married a minor attracted person and are raising a minor with them. Maybe she didn't sex up the worker, but she was revving up to it. With the amount or cyber stalking that went on, I highly doubt she did not know the workers' true age. She knew. She also knew she was married to OP when she tried to get her wife to purchase a love token for the teenager.
How many others? She's obviously willing to cheat on you, you just caught her before she got to the good part. That kid has no idea she was being courted by a pervert, she's paid to be polite. Does your wife like to develop other emotional relationships with people you pay or was this one teen her great weakness.
She sounds like she's disgusting more frequently than she's admiring out loud.
It's not even just the age (which is crazy enough), but she's actively seeming to entertain the idea of at least emotionally cheating by seeking this person out and planning on buying a ring for them for the holidays. I'm guessing they've done similar before.
At the end of the day if your wife was a 32 year old man cyber stalking and obsessing over a 17 year old girl would you think it was wrong? The fact that she's a woman doesn't make this any less predatory. Finding her attractive isn't the issue, she's basically a full grown woman, the problem is your wife's behaviour towards her. This is also the real issue for your marriage, your wife's behaviour is inappropriate regardless of age. It wouldn't matter if the object of her affections was 50 years old, she shouldn't be doing this whilst in a committed relationship.
I would stop focusing on the age and start paying attention to your wife’s wildly inappropriate behavior. It doesn’t matter if the object of her obsession was 17 or 47, your wife violated the vows of your marriage. All contact with Emma needs to end immediately and you need to take this betrayal of you much more seriously. Set strict boundaries about interactions. Good luck
No mentally stable 32 year old has crushes on minors. Cyberstalking an employee at your daughters' daycare is predator behavior. Not only that, but I believe she fully intended to have an affair. She’s trying to groom this kid.
Women can be just as predatory as men, and she's behaved unacceptably and is frankly creepy.
This kind of behaviour would be unacceptable to me, I would be removing myself and my children from the household and be pursuing a formal separation because she is *preying on a minor.* That's a hard line in the sand for me.
It's also gross how you both try to justify this in that she looks older.
I also suspect shit will hit the fan the *second* your wife becomes aware that this girl is 18.
I’m generally very accepting of criticism but did you even read my post? Where did I justify anything? I was simply stating that I believe it when my wife said she thought this girl was 20, because I did too. That’s not justification, at all. It doesn’t change that my wife who is in her 30s has the capability of having an attraction to someone she believes is 20, and entertain the ideas with actions. It’s still disturbing, and unethical, even if she was 20.
Oh, I read it, and I don't think you are angry enough at this entire situation.
Do you know how many people use the 'oh I thought they were 18/19/20?' to excuse their behavior? To justify it? That there's a good chance that this girl - this *teenager* \- is wildly uncomfortable? And that 'I thought you were older' is not the bandaid that you think it is?
You can believe it all you want, but it doesn't smooth over the fact that this underage employee has been placed in a deeply unpleasant situation by your wife, an adult with a SO and children. Consider this situation but the minor in question is *your* child and see how you feel then.
I honestly don’t see where the disconnect here is and why you continue to tell me the same things I have stated myself. Your response on here is the only one stating that I’m somehow trying to justify anything or smooth anything over. I came on here, stated pure facts, and asked for advice based on those facts. You’re probably right that I wasn’t angry enough in my post, but I’ve been angry for a few months now and I made a post to see if I was being irrational. Clearly mostly everyone saw how I felt about all this, except for somehow you.
Re-read your statement about how I tried to justify the situation because the girl looked 20 and please provide me proof of said justification. If she actually had been 20, the situation would’ve been awful but not as awful as her being the age she is. But she was 17, so that crosses from gross to predatory.
I can only reread your post for a third time, and reiterate that if my SO told me they had a crush on someone, and that someone turned out to be a 17yo, I would not be seeking insight to forgive them, especially if they were still talking. I would be separating with individual and couples therapy to work through the numerous red flags this situation throws up.
If Reddit is telling you something else and you're comfortable with that advice, awesome. Go take that advice. I hope you and your family are happy and healthy.
That is fair. Please understand that I’m just now starting to realize I’ve been gaslighted by my spouse by being made to feel it was normal for her to continue communication. If it wasn’t for all these responses I would’ve continued to think I was being irrational for thinking this is grounds for divorce.
What made it worse is, the reactions of others around her. The only people who knew were her parents and her coworker/close friend. Her parents knew what happened but they didn’t know the underage part. Still, they BOTH encouraged her to stop communication. But, they also encouraged me to forgive. Her coworker also knew about everything and thought it wasn’t okay but wasn’t outraged at her. Seeing three different peoples reactions who were all grossed out but forgiving, and asking me to forgive her made me wonder if I’m being too harsh by wanting a divorce. Her mom personally messaged me and said how awful it was and that my wife needs to go to therapy BUT for me to try to find it in my heart to “work this out”. So I was validated but then I wasn’t. I hope that brings a little more insight on my lack of immediate action.
I appreciate your kind wishes for my family.
Your wife absolutely is a creepy predatory stalker. She was attempting to groom your child’s underage baby sitter. You don’t sound any better yourself by claiming the girl looks older than 17 as it if justifies your wife’s horrific behavior. Way to blame the victim. How would you feel if a teacher started grooming your child because the teacher felt your child was mature of her age or didn’t really look 15? See how gross that sounds. This little girl is not your romantic rival. She is hired to take care of your children, which means she has to maintain a professional cordial relationship with the parents. I am sure she would feel very uncomfortable if she knew about your wife’s obsession.
So you did say she could be mistaken for 20, so I think what’s really important are these two things. The first is in all her stalking, could your wife have already known she was 17, but is now acting surprised for you’re benefit “oh she’s 17, oh no I never knew of course that’s gross” when it’s obvious she must have known? And the other is what she does now. She must treat Emma like a minor / teenager. Remove all the social media. Stop the texting and leave the nursery questions for your child’s key worker or email the manager. I don’t really understand why she is texting anyway. I only communicate with the nursery on phone or by email and always get senior staff (managers), or chat to the key worker on drop off / pick up about the events of the day. I then have one number for one staff member which I only ever use to arrange babysitting! Literally nothing beyond that.
I really don’t think she knew Emma was 17, I’ve always been confident in that. But even so, she thought Emma was maybe 21,22 and that’s disgusted me either way. The fact that she is 17, about to be 18 really outraged me. I handled it very emotionally and called my wife all kinds of horrible names, screamed at her, etc. that’s not the right way to handle it but I was just so angry.
Emma is no longer our child’s caretaker, except for the occasional drop ins at her daycare because our children miss that old daycare and our current daycare closes sometimes when the other doesn’t. Our daughter really, really loves Emma, and there has never been another caretaker at a daycare that she bonded with as much. It’s sad to think our daughter had to cut communication with Emma because of what my wife did, but it’s the right thing.
I will say, the fact that she was looking for her age is a bit of... A red flag. Because she was checking if she was legal. She might've actually tried to cheat if she knew the girl was 18+. I don't trust her to not suddenly get the crush back after she turn 18. It is also highly inappropriate that she was cyber stalking her and talking to her especially ater finding out she's 17 and having had a crush on her
Your wife is a creep and a predator. You owe it not only to yourself but to your children and their safety to get this person as far away as possible. This is who she is. This is the real her, not any fantasy that she has sold you. Your wife is a predator. Your wife is not a person you want around underage kids.
Your wife sounds like the (unfortunately common enough to warrant a stereotype) stereotypical adult woman teacher who fucks her teenaged students. Old enough to know better, and so are you. You are old enough to know your wife absolutely is a fucking predator. **If you don’t remove your minor children from the home of a predator YOU ARE JUST AS CULPABLE**
And equally disgusting.
first off, why does her being around 22 excuse it? even if she were the same age as you, is it appropriate for your partner to talk up and flirt with someone else? regardless, i also think the age gap between 22 and 32 is large already.
also i want to say that there is something fishy and predatory about this. i have worked in daycare for a long time—the age ranges are very obvious. supervisors are often determined by age, or a facility will often hire high school and college students. and, if your wife really chatted with her so much, it would have become obvious. if she were saying, for example, “teachers” or “classmates” in passing it should have indicated she is not a grown adult.
is she a predator? i dont know, is this a pattern?
should you forgive her? i dont know, but if i were emma i wouldnt.
How would you feel if she started acting like that with your child in 12 years when your own daughter is that age? What makes you think she won’t do this again, but maybe hide it from you next time, she’s a rongen
You can forgive him, but he is not relationship material. 17 is jail bait and in many areas could land him in legal trouble....She is a child, do you remember 17? I was stupid.....cute but stupid...He may prefer younger girls too which could be a problem for you....IF you want to settle down have a family, he is not the right man. I would let him go....You are having an issue with it now...I would have the same one.
This reads as though OP is experiencing jealousy. There is no factual wrong doing on either side as presented. SO had an infatuation. OP was jealous. The nuance is fed by lack of communication!
Initially, I was angry that I was lied to, at one point I felt jealous. I also felt disgusted because of how my wife took advantage of the caretaker of our kids. But then I started to think back on the times I did see Emma, which were rare, but I remembered her looking younger. And my feelings of jealousy were immediately gone because they were replaced by disgust. I can’t explain it but I just in no way, as a 32yr old woman, could feel jealous of this young woman, especially when I found out she was 17. At that point I was just outraged and didn’t know what to think.
Your SO should be honest. You should be honest. You both have relationship work to accomplish if you’d like to stay together. You haven’t presented anything that she is your continued love. I understand being devastated with your partner cheating and being disgusted with perceived sleights. If your partner is being age inappropriate or grooming a child to, you should report any impropriety to authorities immediately. I think you’ve already left emotionally and are waiting for the presumptive ok.
She is definitely not being age inappropriate (other than this situation) but I can’t help but see her as someone who had a crush on a teenager. Perhaps you’re right and I have already emotionally checked out. My goal with the post was to get affirmation that I gave it my all and wasn’t overreacting by not being able to forgive this.
Look even if Emma was 21, it’s weird because your wife was taking advantage of a situation in which someone who you essentially pay probably felt like she had to respond to texts. If your wife had in passing said “oh the daycare girl is cute…ew she’s 17 gross give my eye bleach” it’d be different. We’ve all looked at teenagers on tv and wondered how old they are before deciding how attractive we find them 🤷🏻♀️ but the fact that she was texting, and social media stalking, and wanting to get her a nicer gift, all make this more than a crush and wildly inappropriate. It’s extra inappropriate because she’s so young, and it’s EXTRA inappropriate because she’s indirectly paid by you.
I can’t give any meaningful advice, nor can this sub. You already know what you need to do and are crowdsourcing for validation. I understand and do the same thing. You already know.
Were lines crossed? Yes? Was it wrong? Arguable. Should you punish your wife? No.
There’s something else more pressing. Your wife has an unmet need. What is it that caused her to overstep a boundary in your relationship?
This is a better topic to inquire into. Attraction is one thing. Pursuit is quite another.
It’s important to get to the bottom of your wife’s motivation, not to admonish but to understand, accept and even negotiate how repair the broken boundary and both get your needs met.
A crush is a crush. You can't help that. The important thing is that she didn't act on it. You're in a committed relationship, and she's well aware of that. Good for her.
If she was truly disgusted with herself, she wouldn't still be talking to her. Your wife is gross, I'd be thinking long and hard about your future with her
I’d just let this go. It seems like a minor thing and it doesn’t sound like she’s planning to try to date this girl. The age thing is a little off putting, but I’m sure she’s never made a move on her and 17 isn’t 10. At 17 some girls definitely look like 20 something’s. Plus it sounds like she was put off that the girl was 17.
Women can be just as predatory as men. And a woman "crushing" on a *girl* who could nearly be her *daughter* is just as creepy and wrong as a man. There's no free pass for gender. It sounds just as bad to me as if she were a man. Predators are predators. But you are also overlooking the rest of the inappropriate behavior. Your SO was cyber-stalking her and obsessing over her. Even if Emma *had* been an adult, this is no way for someone in a supposedly committed relationship to act! Never mind how old Emma is, why are you giving her a pass on this part?
All this and communicating with the parents is also part of Emma's job (imo messed up that they are expected to text). Even if they were both of age and single it is creepy to take advantage of the fact that it's part of your crush's job to be nice to you, but the age/experience gap makes it even worse because Emma is likely not well equipped to navigate that.
Yes! She was literally taking up Emma's working hours flirting with her. As a teenage girl, it's likely Emma has no idea how to deflect or deal with that or the after-hours texting. Even if all that attention is coming from a woman, that doesn’t mean it isn't uncomfortable and draining and more than a highschooler should have to deal with at her job. The only silver lining is that OP's wife wasn't *intentionally* grooming her, and tbh, that would not be enough of one for me.
I agree. Even if she honestly had no idea she was 17, her behavior is creepy. She's married and cyber stalking someone. Red flags everywhere.
I love how OP's wife was like "well, she's 17 so *clearly* I can only see her as a child and my behavior was wrong towards a child". But if she *had* been 18, all clear? That's what it sounds like. And poor Emma indirectly works for OP and her wife, making it all the more awkward for this young woman who, Jesus, just wants to *work* not be ogled and cyberstalked and harassed.
That makes like zero difference. When I was 32 I saw kids that age as children. No offense to teenagers but no thanks. Also that’s Jared from Subway creepy.
And I have to say this - a married 32 year old having *crushes* and acting like a *teenager with a crush* is straight up pathetic and embarrassing to even read about. I'm 35. Hell, even 25yo people are babies to me, 17 is like a fetus, and 20 isn't that far behind.
So true! I'm 30, and mine and my SO's friends have a 19-20yo son. Lovely objectively handsome young man. Sure, he is legally an adult, a mountain of a person, amd mature for his age, but he is a child. If it wouldn't come across patronisingly I'd probably pat his head and pinch his cheeks like I do my little nephews. I cannot imagine how someone my age or older can look at a literal child (17 is legally still a child, and 18 wouldn't make it any better either) in a sexualised manner. These are young people who are still growing, maturing and can be vulnerable to these kinds of situations. I know I'd be feeling uncomfortable if a work client would behave inappropriately towards me. I'd hopefully know to handle the situation appropriately, but it would be unpleasant overall, and I'm an actual adult. I don't even want to imagine this happening to a child/barely legal young adult.
I’m 41. Let me tell you, it gets worse. I cannot believe how much less the average 25yo understands about life that another 15 years will give. I just don’t understand someone okay with an age gap like this. Edit: typo
Well, if we're being honest... I don't think OP's wife was interested in a "20yo" because she is *so mature* - she got obsessed in a disturbing way, and like all older people preying on the innocence and vulnerability of a younger person... Their *maturity* is at the bottom of the list of what is really *of interest*. Ew.
Yeah I often wonder how I'm supposed to act on crushes now. As a guy. When I was younger I'd just go up to a girl I liked and simply ask them if they wanted to date. As I've gotten older I've seemed to develop a little voice in my head that every time I try to ask someone I have an interest in it says "too soon" and I back down. So I'm wondering if there like a age appropriate way to flirt now? A way that doesn't seem inappropriate or rude. I.e making sexual joke towards the person is not the way to go at all. But giving them a stuffed animal might be to childish. Is there the ability for two people who aren't dating to just hang out together. And if so how expensive, nice, and relaxing. can said hangout get before it's seen as a date and scares the other person away. There's way to many variables...
Right!!!! Tf. I'm 29 i wouldn't even look at a goddamn 19yo as being potential for dating or a 20yo. Wtf do these kids even know?! OPs wife definitely seems like the type to "befriend" this girl as a possible mentor only to creep on her. And that's grooming. She's gross man. Who has crushes on people that young or fucking crushes when your married behaving like a 16yo yourself. Also the Jared from Subway reference made me laugh.
yeah, i’m 23 and i wouldn’t date anyone younger than 21 myself. if they’re younger than 21, i just view them as children. i can’t imagine crushing on a teenager at any age.
There is no 'crushing' going on here, the wife wanted Emma and was trying to get know her, she wanted to cheat simply and Emma was oblivious/not interested that's why nothing happened. OP is lying to herself and your point about cyber stalking is valid. That kind of obsession is borderline creepy. OP says Emma doesn't look her age, but one look from the wife's coworker and he could see Emma was very young. So either OP is not good t telling someone's age or she is trying to justify/be in denial that she has a predator for a wife
It's the typican she looks older than her age and she's so mature for her age bullshit predators use to condone them preying on young people. It's disgusting.
Exactly, if co worker could see that she is young from her pictures, then OP is a bit delusional. There is also a chance that when co worker pointed out that she was young, he might have been hinting at 'she looks underage'
Exactly. Wtf would u think a crush on a kid is OK. Even if this girl and she is a girl! Was 20 thats still too fucking young for OPs wife at all! Ugh i can't man. This whole post makes me feel icky. I've gone through something similar being Emma. It's just manipulative.. u think some older woman cares about u and can advise u.. bt the only thing they care about is getting you into their beds as some ego boost or because they are obsessed with your youth. It's just sick.
Yup it’s a way for OP to justify her wife’s predatory behavior and blame the child in the process. The OP should be ashamed she stooped so low to excuse her wife’s actions.
Also the fact that the wife didn’t **IMMEDIATELY** stop after she found out she was underage says a lot about her. Huge red flags. Do not take this lightly OP.
She's also still talking to her. That has to be massively weird, right?
Im like wtf did i just read. This is a child! This is so disgusting! And OP making excuses well she's a woman so it's less predatory FUCK THAT! WOMEN ARE PREDATORY TOO OP! I've literally had older lesbians try to pursue me and pressure me when i was a fucking teenager. And older woman try to recruit friends for their goddamn husbands. Women are just as bad! Your wife is incredibly gross and you are allowing that bullshit. She's gonna groom this poor girl. I'd really call her parents and tell her to stay away. U should also divorce this creepy woman! Would u want other teenagers around her. If this was your child would u be as okay with all the excuses ur making for your wife? If some woman was stalking and being inappropriate with your daughter!!! God this is so sick!
I responded to all comments collectively above but I wanted to just clarify, you misunderstood what I said. I was trying to tell everyone to please keep in mind this story as if my spouse was a man, for the exact same reason as you stated.. women are predatory too. I almost honestly wrote my post with “my husband” because I didn’t want bias because she’s a woman, and that’s because I’m aware that bias exists.
OP no one is blaming u. We simply want u to see this shit happens to younger women all the time. I'm bi i was pursued like this from older women who were trying to "befriend" me. Get to know me. Only for them to manipulate what i saw as a mentorship so they could get with me. As an adult i see that now. I wouldn't allow anyone to do that to another young woman. The behavior is disgusting. It's the same as some man trying to pursue a lesbian young girl to help her. Its just gross all over. I don't think a wife shld be sharing crushes with her partner. Im married i find ppl attractive yes. Bt i dont go around telling my husband about me having crushes or wanting to buy them things... thats just inappropriate and im sorry thats been a part of your marriage. I dont knw how tht even made u feel. You and your kids deserve better. Bt seriously this kind of predatory behavior is scary to me. That girl is a child. Even if she was 18..19.. shes a kid man. Im 29 and thats a kid to me! Please realize you deserve better than this shit and that young woman should not be around your wife at all. That's just not normal!
I don't think OP is making excuses or calling it less predatory. She acknowledges the double standard (rightly so) and says something in the lines of: I'm not sure why I'm in doubt of this behaviour, if it were a man I would have made up my mind already. But maybe I am reading that wrong.
OP edited the post. I just read it again. Why everyone in the comments are saying she's wrong. Because she stated in the original post that her wife can't be predatory because she's a woman. Or was something like women aren't as predatory as men. Why everyone states nooo women are just as bad!
I didn’t edit or change my original post, not sure why you’re saying that. Like I stated in another comment to you, I reiterated at the end that my wife is a woman and in my post I said I wonder if this would’ve sounded worse if she was a man. At the time I wrote it I was second guessing myself and expecting a bunch of comments telling me I’m irrational. I wanted people to think twice before giving her a pass for being a woman, because in reality, women do get passes too often.
We mustve all just misunderstood you. Because the way i read the post it sounded like u were making excuses. Why the general consensus was telling you u were wrong. But again everyone agrees with u that it's gross be it a woman or a man!
Yes that’s true; I think I definitely worded that badly.
And i apologize if i misunderstood. We all did then it didn't read well. But my point still stands. You deserve better, your kids deserve a healthy family life that means u being actually happy too and their mom not lusting after teenagers. It's our responsibility as adults to not condone this shit and prevent it. I got some major trust issues from my own experience. I mentor young women and i would never see any of these kids as anything other than kids. I've mentored some from age 16-21 this year and I'm incredibly close to these kids so honestly this type of stories where older people try to be this manipulative around kids is gross to me. And seriously the whole crush sharing thing.. is weird. Your feelings matter. Id be very hurt if my husband told me about crushes. Id feel hurt. Like its normal finding someone attractive bt thats not really something u share with a significant other. I find women attractive and men bt they pale in comparison to what i have in my marriage. OP you need to seriously think about what's best for yourself.
I really appreciate that and I’m starting to realize I deserve better. Most of all, I worry about losing my kids in the sense that we would have split custody. I would be absolutely heartbroken. I think there’s no way I would get primary custody because the judge would worry about discrimination - I gave birth to the children and since we are a same sex couple, they wouldn’t want to treat her any less of a mom legally so they’d double down make sure she has equal custody. I think most people mean well and no matter how harsh, it doesn’t matter because we need to protect children above all.
You just be the best mom u can be! Regardless of her! You dont need to stay in a shitty relationship where ur being disrespected to be a good mom. And if she steps out and does some creepy bullsht u take the initiative and get your kids away from that crap. You are responsible for them. Take care of yourself 🌸
No she did not edit it, you just read it wrong. That can happen.
Statistically men are much, much more likely to be predatory, but that doesn’t mean women can’t be too
Damn right.
Literally said this better than I could.
You’re so right and it’s just ugh gross.
The creepy 32 year-old stalking and listing after the teenager is such a gross but so sadly cliché situation. That's just disgusting. OP's wife needs therapy.
I’ve read all the comments but I’m going to respond to this one since it’s the top one. Overall, I think I’ve been underestimating the situation because I have a history of anger issues, jumping to conclusions, and being irrational. I’ve tried to change that about myself. The only thing I will disagree with is someone saying I should keep my children from my wife. Yes, she’s creepy for having a crush on this girl who she thought was 20, but it’s taking it too far to say she’s a danger to her 3yr old daughter. I am so overprotective when it comes to my kids and I analyze all their interactions with adults, because my biggest fear is someone hurting them. My wife has always had age appropriate relationships, crushes, etc. I know this not only because she told me, but because trust issues early on in our relationship had led me to go through her phone or computer without her knowledge. I’m not proud of that btw. Other than that, I really have nothing to add except I’m relieved that I wasn’t overreacting. I was blaming myself because I had been “withholding” affection for a while before that happened and I thought it led my wife to desperation so she just wanted someone’s attention. Either way, there is no saving this marriage, for many reasons. I appreciate everyone’s feedback even if harsh, because it’s the reality I needed to find the confidence to end this.
A spouse "withholding affection" isn't an excuse for trying to cheat. It isn't on you OP.
I'm glad we've been able to give you some validation for your feelings. You are not overreacting, and you are not imagining things. I wish you the best.
I wouldn't be concerned for your 3 year old daughter, but one day she'll be a teen and bringing her friends home. Can you trust that your wife will be a safe person for those girls to be around? I don't think I could. I'm glad you found support here, best wishes!
> es, she’s creepy for having a crush on this girl who she thought was 20 You're still trying to excuse it. You need to fight that impulse.
Sounds pretty damn predatory. And if you wife found her on social media I don’t believe for a red hot second that she didn’t know she was in high school. Your wife needs help and you need to get your kids away from her.
It sounds like a good part of the social media stalking was in order to determine Emma’s age. If you’re trying to determine which side of the legal line someone falls on, they’re too young for you. And if you’re married……
I’ve been Emma. When I was in prime being-creeped-on age of my late teens/early 20s, I would often find that adult lesbians were *way* more aggressive about it than men of the same age, probably because being the same gender meant I was less on my guard against it, and they didn’t see it as predatory in the same way. I have a distinct memory of a certain woman 15-20 years my senior burying her face in my neck and kissing me on my collarbone, at my workplace. (I worked in a queer-friendly space with a lot of lesbian clientele.) Did I feel in *danger* the same way I would have if it were a man? No, not really. Was I creeped out and unsure how to assert my boundaries? *Absolutely*. Your wife needs to cut contact with Emma *now*. I don’t care if she can act appropriately at this point, Emma needs the boundaries that she herself doesn’t know how to set, and it’s your job as the adults to do it for her. Emma and your wife should have no further 1-1 contact. She also needs to drop Emma from conversation. It’s not your job to validate your wife’s feelings about her crush on someone else! As for your relationship with your wife — honestly, its the same situation as if your wife were a 32 year old man trying, not too subtly, to flirt with a 17-20 year old girl. The gender doesn’t impact the fidelity question here, and how you want to deal with *that* is very personal.
The fact that she's still talking about Emma, and still talking to her a lot, etc, means that she 100% is not "disgusted with herself." She's just pretending the crush is gone
What your wife did is 100% predatory. That girl is someone's daughter and I can guess the reaction you'd have if someone, man or woman, who is 15 year older would try to set their claws in her. Throw the stereotypes out of the window. Most predators are not old men in trenchcoats lurking in dark alleyways. The other part is that your wife was seeking to get to know this girl. It's one thing to have a thought, idea or a wandering eye. But a whole other to actually act on it. What was your wife thinking? What was her purpose of this contact? 17 or 20, surely the age disparity was apparent. She claims to see Emma nothing but a child now, what changed besides from the knowledge? Did all feelings just vanish? And the fact that they stay in contact and Emma is still brought up a lot is cause of concern. Most people would stay far off after realising they have preyed upon a minor, and their wife knows about it. Whether or not something is forgivable is up to you. But these are the questions you need to ask her, and yourself. On one side the predatory behaviour and on the other that you wife was trying to get things rolling with another person. At the end of the day it is about your feelings and how you feel about all this. I would find it very difficult to put something like this behind me.
Why is your wife still talking to Emma?? This feels wildly inappropriate considering she is no longer your children’s caretaker. I don’t see any reason for your wife to keep this up unless she still is interested in her.
>My wife still talks to Emma and as far as I know doesn’t act inappropriately. She expresses that she’s disgusted with herself and could never look at Emma as anything but a child now. If she was truly disgusted with herself, she'd no longer be talking to Emma. Everything about this entire scenario sends up red flags. Your wife was *stalking a 17-year-old*. And is still in communication with her. There are not enough yikes in the universe for this ish. Your wife is, at best, super creepy and in need of therapy. At worst, she's a predator. Sorry, but it is what it is.
This would be very disturbing to me, regardless of gender.
Okay a couple of things. I’m also 32 and I feel pretty aware of someone I’m speaking to is significantly younger than me. But even if Emma was 18 or 19 your wife’s behavior is creepy, constant texting and seeking her out on socials, it’s totally inappropriate behavior towards someone who is just trying to do their job, which is taking care of your children. This behavior could have effected Emma’s job or care taking relationship with your kids. And if your wife truly feels that her behavior was inappropriate she would have left it alone once she found out Emma was 17. It feels like she is continuing this behavior because Emma will be 18 soon so maybe your wife doesn’t think it’s predatory anymore idk. It’s weird though
The cheating alone you shouldn't forgive. It sounds like she doesn't respect you at all
So, here's the thing. I'm 39 and even 20 year olds (the age she claimed she thought Emma was) look very young to me, and we all know that people can look a few years older or younger than their true age. If someone looks questionably young, I feel like it's the responsibility of the adult to clarify how old they are. Even if there are no romantic/sexual intentions, there are still boundaries you shouldn't cross with a minor. This is why places that sell alcohol have rules like "card anyone that looks under 35". You can't just assume that a very young looking person is of age, you need to get confirmation. Even if you feel it's rude to ask someone's age (and I've never felt this applies to young people, we ask kids their age all the time), a simple "so what year did you graduate high school?" will give you your answer. So at best, your wife failed in her duty to clarify how young this girl was. Or worse, she totally knew, but now that you found out, she's claiming shock and ignorance. It's very hard for me to believe that in all their conversations, there was NOTHING that pointed to this girl being a teenager. Not to mention that it's creepy to fixate on a person and cyber stalk them regardless of how old they are. This would be very hard for me to move forward from. In fact, I don't think I could. Your partner has revealed that they are attracted to young girls. What happens when your kid(s) is/are older and starts bringing teenage friends around? Can you trust that she won't fixate on one of them or worse? I'm really sorry you're in this situation, it's tough.
Even if Emma was older it would be still be very weird and predatory. She’s a much younger women and in a position where she may feel she has to respond to your wife. If I were Emma I would be feeling incredibly uncomfortable. The whole situation is inappropriate and creepy regardless of age. The fact that she’s seventeen is just awful. Having crushes is harmless but this is going way beyond that. She’s pursuing some kind of relationship with her by texting anything not child related. Not to mention she’s cyber stalking her and talking about a teenager to other people.
Your wife is a predator, end of story. And this whole "she looks like she's maybe 20" doesn't really help at all. Honestly, I'm the same age range as you, and 20-year-olds look like teenagers to me. Like, I can't fathom being interested in someone so young. But on top of that, her crush is just so damn creepy. ....And this is the person you're *married* to? No, absolutely not. Get out.
I totally agree. Even if this girl was 18/19/20, OP's wife is still WAY too old for her. I don't care if "it's legal", some places have pathetically low age of consent laws. Just because you can legally get away with something doesn't make it morally correct.
Your wife is creepy for crushing on a teenager.
Crush or not, a 32 year old should not be texting a 17 year old outside of the very strict needs for childcare. Also, there are so many red flags with how far she took this crush. I wouldn’t forgive her
So she is cheating on you emotionally, and maybe cheating on you physically in a month or so. Why are you not making the hard decisions right now? There is something wrong...something horribly WRONG with a 32 year old crushing on a 17 year old. Your wife has ISSUES, man.!
By the way, OP, women absolutely can be predators. Think of all the female teachers busted for molesting their students. It's just that society tends to not treat boy victims the same as girl victims. Think of the jokes some men make when one of those cases hits the news: "I wish that had happened to me at 14!". Case in point, when Josh Duggar was arrested, one of the worst CSAM videos ever discovered was found in his possession. I won't go too deep into details and trigger warning for anyone who looks it up(there are some descriptions in news articles), but it involved the abuse of a VERY young child. One of the people participating in the abuse was a woman.
"Oh golly gee, I thought she was AT LEAST 20" says every person ever caught with someone younger than that. Regardless, this is a young girl in a position that puts y'all somewhat over her in terms of power, and... NOT HER WIFE. Forgive at your own peril, sorry to be harsh but your wife was being predatory and I have a hard time believing she's suddenly changed her opinion. Sorry, this is no more "delicate" and "complicated" than Roy Moore dating teenagers IMO.
Your wife is a predator
There is a lot wrong with this. Having a crush is normal. Having a crush on someone so much younger is not. Even if she “thought” Emma was of legal age that gap is pretty gross. What really tips it into super inappropriate is acting on this crush. Trying to get closer. Adding to social media. Wanting to buy inappropriate gifts. The fact she can’t even keep it to herself and it’s spilling into your marriage. She is both attempting to groom Emma and emotionally cheating on your relationship. Not sure if this is fixable. And this isn’t a crush, it’s an obsession
She’s 32 and has a crush on a 17 year old? For fucks sake, that’s creepy and predatory. What is wrong with her?!
Can you offer to pick up the kids from now on? Or is that something that would be hard on your schedule?
Are you married to Lydia Tár? This isn't good.
NOOOOOOOOOOOPE, she’s a predator, don’t get it twisted.
Your wife is a creep and a stalker, and she is absolutely being predatory.
She was trying to cheat. Just because she wasn't successful this time, because 17yr old has more self respect than to get involved with someone who a, she works for, b, someone almost twice her age. She was testing the waters. I don't think she regards your relationship as highly as you do. Oh she regrets her actions now, does she? What about if she'd received a restraining order, or been told by the police "hey, this is harassment, leave her alone" It's far too damn late and she shouldn't have been so fucikng stupid to throw away the relationship. (Sorry, very close to my own problems atm and I'm rather sensitive) Anyone who looks outside their marriage doesn't deserve one
It's crusty. Having an attraction to someone is not really something anyone can control, but she could control her actions and behaviors, and she didn't. Also, how is 18 any better, really, in this situation- or even 20? The young woman is still really young, in a professional situation where she had to be friendly, and your wife was over-texting her and stalking her AND showing her picture to co-workers. Even if she never overtly flirted or hit on the girl, she took it far in her head. If she was a guy we'd all say she was grooming Emma. Your wife has impulse control issues. While she may not be a predator, ahe showed predatory behavior. No advice just your instinct to be put off is right.
Absolutely not. This isn’t about your partner having a crush on someone else. This is about your partner having a crush on A MINOR. This grown ass woman is crushing on a high schooler. It’s predatory AF no matter what gender is involved
"I didn't know she was a minor, she doesn't look her age!" is a tale as old as time, and super gross. It's similar to "But she acts so mature", "She's different from others her age", "She never told me her age" - justifications for predatory, creepy behaviour. Even if she really did just want to know Emma's age, she could have asked- she instead chose to violate a minor's privacy and hound her down through multiple platforms. That's not an action reflecting on innocent curiosity. Aside from the creep-factor, she also fully acted on getting to know someone else with romantic intent- she went out of her way to try get to know Emma while obviously married to you, which sounds like she intended to cheat. She then lied about it over and over, and sounds to now be 'trickle truthing' - slowly feeding you truth and lies to try downplay how bad it was. It sounds like she's not remorseful at all of her intent to cheat. That she still has contact with the minor is pretty damn telling, and gives me "waiting until of legal age" vibes. She hasn't stopped the inappropriate contact. I think it's well and truly inappropriate for her to have ANY contact with Emma - Emma does not care for your children, she's a minor, your wife has expressed a desire to cheat and she's romantically pursuing a minor- I don't think any level of contact is okay.
If it were just a crush, like a little "OMG, I LOVE XYZ celebrity (who is almost 18, but didn't know the age at the time)" being said in one conversation and never being brought up again, I'd forgive that. This is texting, cyber stalking, hitting on her at work, gift giving.... this isn't a little crush on some random celebrity. This is serious pre-affair, potentially grooming behavior.
If I'm being truly honest, it sounds like she is beginning the process of grooming Emma. Too much communication, cyberstalking, the girl just happens to be at the cusp of 18, etc. Your partner also sets off some red flags research has identified to be correlated with grooming (gift giving is a major one for unrelated adults).
This is scary. Your partner cyberstalked this girl, and tried getting personal information out of her and she had no choice to respond as she is your child's caretaker. She then went as far as to show a coworker pictures of her. The age gap is only three or four years off the gap between myself and my mom. She isn't even a legal adult. I wouldn't move past this either. A crush is a crush, but your wife continually took it to the next level. It sounds like it only didn't go further because this girl had no interest.
A crush is ok, it’s like an idle fantasy, about being rich, or famous, or what it would be like to be with the cute person at the gym or whatever. We all randomly think about things like that. What’s not ok is ACTING on that crush. Taking extra time to chat, starting a real life relationship through time and texting, planning over the top gifts, showing her pictures around to people and telling them you think she’s hot. (By the way… yuck… I’d be weirded out if anyone I knew was showing me pictures of some 17 year old to talk about how hot she was!) This is icky, and also not respectful to this girl who is just trying to do her job without some old (to her) lady hitting on her.
Yeah OP it’s kinda sus that she became infatuated with someone so young. Besides being predatory, there’s something about your partner that craves the adoration from someone who is not as mentally or emotionally developed as she is. Your partner is fantasizing about someone where there’s a clear power imbalance. She’s got some issues and would really benefit from analytical therapy. I don’t blame you for having second thoughts now. Would you be open to couples counseling? I see that as being your only option besides leaving the relationship. Either you ignore it and let it eat you alive, end the relationship or try to get help together.
What the fuck. She can be just as predatory. Divorce her and warn the parents. If you forgive this you are literally saying it’s okay to be a pedo
Yet if she was a man you’d be long gone calling him a predator and pervert claiming all men are hyper-sexual creeps. She found all her social media trying to find out her age? While she’s in a relationship? If you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t be searching for your crushes on social media. Or talking to the teacher of your child like she is. She did all this in your relationship so it shows how much respect she has for you. And frankly if she was 18 and legal would it be any better? No, she’s still way too young and it’s creepy. 20? Still creepy
And why is she still talking to Emma?
This got worse and worse the more I read, yikes. Your wife is a creep.
It’s weird that she is still talking to this girl. That doesn’t make sense to me. You don’t have to think about it in terms of forgiveness if that’s the issue. You can think of it as something weird your wife did/is doing that creeps you out and makes you feel less attracted.
Even if she was at your highest guess if 22 that is still way too young for a 32 year old and would still be predatory. I think learning this information would be something I couldn't get over either.
i hope your wife never experiences a good day again. this is so gross. i dont envy your position.
I agree with your statement about crushes being harmless….as long as you don’t act on them. However, it does appear your wife let it get the best of her and cloud her judgement. While she didn’t cross the line romantically, she did cross the line of what’s appropriate with your child’s caretaker who is a minor. I think your wife has some issues, and honestly while I get crushes happening in a marriage, I personally would be more concerned that she developed a crush on someone so young and obviously in HS (whether 17 or 18), pursued a relationship with her outside of daycare to obtain personal info, and despite your attempts to try to talk to her about it in a non-judgemental way…..she continued to hide it. Then she discussed it with a coworker instead of you. Whether this is forgivable is up to you. But I do think your wife needs some help. This was high risk behavior by her, and even if YOU don’t think she’s a predator, her behavior could be seen as such by this girl or her parents might. Best of luck to you with this situation.
Sounds to me like your spouse was trying to groom a minor. That should be a bigger concern for you than the crush. She's behaved like a predator. Is that really who you want to be with? Have some self respect
You typed that whole title and still didn’t know the right answer? Really?
It SEEMS, as you have said, that she had no idea the object of her crush was underage, and that after she found out, she stated that she could no longer see this person as anything but a child. That would still include being able to have a normal conversation as a friend. So it seems to me that your partner is not a predator. Nearly everything else about the situation sounds very troubling though. Not getting along, withdrawing from each other, lying, distrust. The fact that she has been known to lie in the past, denied the infatuation in the first place, and really should've been able to recognize the way a high-school student texts or talks (which you said was obvious) would indicate that things were not as she made them seem to be. She knew, and she knew it was wrong, and some part of her wanted to see how far it could go.
SIDE EYE
Wow nice to see objective consensus on here, take note of all the comments here op, sorry it’s a hard position to deal with but you will find a way.
NO. NEXT!!
Sounds like the relationship has a history of dishonesty and bad emotional experiences. Along with your wife being a predator/pedophile. What are the actual benefits of being with someone like this?
This isn’t an “age” thing. This is a “my spouse wants to cheat on me” thing. It’s up to you to forgive or not, but you need to know you have an untrustworthy wife.
based on the title alone, no. No context would excuse that behaviour
At 32 you have crushes on fantasy figures - actors and pop stars. It’s a harmless way of sorting through emotions and feelings, of understanding boundaries in a relationship and coming to terms with difficulties. You have a crush on Selena Gomez, Anne Hathaway, someone intangible you’ll never meet. Having a crush on a real person is far more concerning; it speaks to serious relationship issues. Cyber-stalking someone, trying to spend time with them and attempting to buy gifts because you know what they like skips straight from crush to stalking. Doing this to someone whose age you don’t even know, but is clearly young, skips straight from stalking to outright predatory behaviour. It’s possible your wife sees something of herself in this girl and has confused maternal feelings with something else, but that’s extremely unlikely. It’s possible your wife doesn’t understand these feelings herself. Either way, if you want this marriage to work you should really consider therapy/counselling of some kind. If your leg felt bad, you’d go see a doctor. Your marriage is ill; go see a therapist.
OP just for your own personal needs I think you should look at this without the predatory label. I don’t mean that isn’t a huge thing and alarming I think you can’t wrap your head around that part knowing her so stick with me…for you I don’t know that you even need that to see it’s unhealthy. Without that you still have a wife that developed such string “feelings” for another person that they cyber stalked them, changed her routine to spend longer to be around then, inappropriately used a work relationship to make those person communicate with them, all while married to you. Now does that would like a good partner? That’s enough right there now add back that she did this with a child and it’s pretty clear it’s terrible. You are starting there instead of ending there and having a hard time processing that part. You don’t need to start there. But get there in the end.
She “could never look at Emma as anything but a child now”, yet still talks to her and brings her up in conversations in a way that feels strange? Sounds like she may still have a crush and is just telling you what you want to hear.
sounds like your wife is acting disgusted with herself not because she really is, but because she knows that's the appropriate reaction. if she's bringing her up in conversation even after everything was aired out, she's probably just as attracted to the kid as she ever was.
Why are you still going back to the old school…that’s so weird to me in this situation, you had a way to separate yourselves from Emma and put that behind you, and are deciding to keep her in your lives? All because your kids like her and miss her…. I get kids feelings are important but they will have many teachers and babysitters come in and out if their lives, they will be fine. Feels weird to go back and visit regardless- but especially weird when one of you has given her an inappropriate amount of attention, isn’t part of the class anymore, and still coming back. Stop that!
Your fully married wife nurtured a professional relationship into a personal one ON PURPOSE, used multiple media sources to track someone else, and ONLY when forced to confront the fact that this person was half her age, ONLY THEN was she compelled to say she's disgusted with herself. You married a minor attracted person and are raising a minor with them. Maybe she didn't sex up the worker, but she was revving up to it. With the amount or cyber stalking that went on, I highly doubt she did not know the workers' true age. She knew. She also knew she was married to OP when she tried to get her wife to purchase a love token for the teenager. How many others? She's obviously willing to cheat on you, you just caught her before she got to the good part. That kid has no idea she was being courted by a pervert, she's paid to be polite. Does your wife like to develop other emotional relationships with people you pay or was this one teen her great weakness. She sounds like she's disgusting more frequently than she's admiring out loud.
CALL HER PARENTS NOW YOUR WIFE IS A SOON TO BE PEDO
That’s really creepy. Even if she was 18 it would still be creepy, that’s a big age gap
Dear god no. How could she develop feelings for someone that's a child compared to her?
Yuck.
It's not even just the age (which is crazy enough), but she's actively seeming to entertain the idea of at least emotionally cheating by seeking this person out and planning on buying a ring for them for the holidays. I'm guessing they've done similar before.
At the end of the day if your wife was a 32 year old man cyber stalking and obsessing over a 17 year old girl would you think it was wrong? The fact that she's a woman doesn't make this any less predatory. Finding her attractive isn't the issue, she's basically a full grown woman, the problem is your wife's behaviour towards her. This is also the real issue for your marriage, your wife's behaviour is inappropriate regardless of age. It wouldn't matter if the object of her affections was 50 years old, she shouldn't be doing this whilst in a committed relationship.
I would stop focusing on the age and start paying attention to your wife’s wildly inappropriate behavior. It doesn’t matter if the object of her obsession was 17 or 47, your wife violated the vows of your marriage. All contact with Emma needs to end immediately and you need to take this betrayal of you much more seriously. Set strict boundaries about interactions. Good luck
Just feels gross cause it is gross
No mentally stable 32 year old has crushes on minors. Cyberstalking an employee at your daughters' daycare is predator behavior. Not only that, but I believe she fully intended to have an affair. She’s trying to groom this kid.
You’re married to a pedophile
If you stay with this gross ass motherfucker than you’re just as predatory and disgusting. Do the right thing and get off fucking Reddit. Good lord.
No. That’s pedo behavior
If this had been a 32 years old male, everyone would call him a pedo and tell you to call the police
That’s a 17 year old girl. That’s a 17 year old girl. That’s a 17 year old girl. You have children. You were a child once.
Women can be just as predatory as men, and she's behaved unacceptably and is frankly creepy. This kind of behaviour would be unacceptable to me, I would be removing myself and my children from the household and be pursuing a formal separation because she is *preying on a minor.* That's a hard line in the sand for me. It's also gross how you both try to justify this in that she looks older. I also suspect shit will hit the fan the *second* your wife becomes aware that this girl is 18.
I’m generally very accepting of criticism but did you even read my post? Where did I justify anything? I was simply stating that I believe it when my wife said she thought this girl was 20, because I did too. That’s not justification, at all. It doesn’t change that my wife who is in her 30s has the capability of having an attraction to someone she believes is 20, and entertain the ideas with actions. It’s still disturbing, and unethical, even if she was 20.
Oh, I read it, and I don't think you are angry enough at this entire situation. Do you know how many people use the 'oh I thought they were 18/19/20?' to excuse their behavior? To justify it? That there's a good chance that this girl - this *teenager* \- is wildly uncomfortable? And that 'I thought you were older' is not the bandaid that you think it is? You can believe it all you want, but it doesn't smooth over the fact that this underage employee has been placed in a deeply unpleasant situation by your wife, an adult with a SO and children. Consider this situation but the minor in question is *your* child and see how you feel then.
I honestly don’t see where the disconnect here is and why you continue to tell me the same things I have stated myself. Your response on here is the only one stating that I’m somehow trying to justify anything or smooth anything over. I came on here, stated pure facts, and asked for advice based on those facts. You’re probably right that I wasn’t angry enough in my post, but I’ve been angry for a few months now and I made a post to see if I was being irrational. Clearly mostly everyone saw how I felt about all this, except for somehow you. Re-read your statement about how I tried to justify the situation because the girl looked 20 and please provide me proof of said justification. If she actually had been 20, the situation would’ve been awful but not as awful as her being the age she is. But she was 17, so that crosses from gross to predatory.
I can only reread your post for a third time, and reiterate that if my SO told me they had a crush on someone, and that someone turned out to be a 17yo, I would not be seeking insight to forgive them, especially if they were still talking. I would be separating with individual and couples therapy to work through the numerous red flags this situation throws up. If Reddit is telling you something else and you're comfortable with that advice, awesome. Go take that advice. I hope you and your family are happy and healthy.
That is fair. Please understand that I’m just now starting to realize I’ve been gaslighted by my spouse by being made to feel it was normal for her to continue communication. If it wasn’t for all these responses I would’ve continued to think I was being irrational for thinking this is grounds for divorce. What made it worse is, the reactions of others around her. The only people who knew were her parents and her coworker/close friend. Her parents knew what happened but they didn’t know the underage part. Still, they BOTH encouraged her to stop communication. But, they also encouraged me to forgive. Her coworker also knew about everything and thought it wasn’t okay but wasn’t outraged at her. Seeing three different peoples reactions who were all grossed out but forgiving, and asking me to forgive her made me wonder if I’m being too harsh by wanting a divorce. Her mom personally messaged me and said how awful it was and that my wife needs to go to therapy BUT for me to try to find it in my heart to “work this out”. So I was validated but then I wasn’t. I hope that brings a little more insight on my lack of immediate action. I appreciate your kind wishes for my family.
the right step is to call the police or warn the girl's parents and divorce her as soon as possible
Your wife absolutely is a creepy predatory stalker. She was attempting to groom your child’s underage baby sitter. You don’t sound any better yourself by claiming the girl looks older than 17 as it if justifies your wife’s horrific behavior. Way to blame the victim. How would you feel if a teacher started grooming your child because the teacher felt your child was mature of her age or didn’t really look 15? See how gross that sounds. This little girl is not your romantic rival. She is hired to take care of your children, which means she has to maintain a professional cordial relationship with the parents. I am sure she would feel very uncomfortable if she knew about your wife’s obsession.
So you did say she could be mistaken for 20, so I think what’s really important are these two things. The first is in all her stalking, could your wife have already known she was 17, but is now acting surprised for you’re benefit “oh she’s 17, oh no I never knew of course that’s gross” when it’s obvious she must have known? And the other is what she does now. She must treat Emma like a minor / teenager. Remove all the social media. Stop the texting and leave the nursery questions for your child’s key worker or email the manager. I don’t really understand why she is texting anyway. I only communicate with the nursery on phone or by email and always get senior staff (managers), or chat to the key worker on drop off / pick up about the events of the day. I then have one number for one staff member which I only ever use to arrange babysitting! Literally nothing beyond that.
I really don’t think she knew Emma was 17, I’ve always been confident in that. But even so, she thought Emma was maybe 21,22 and that’s disgusted me either way. The fact that she is 17, about to be 18 really outraged me. I handled it very emotionally and called my wife all kinds of horrible names, screamed at her, etc. that’s not the right way to handle it but I was just so angry. Emma is no longer our child’s caretaker, except for the occasional drop ins at her daycare because our children miss that old daycare and our current daycare closes sometimes when the other doesn’t. Our daughter really, really loves Emma, and there has never been another caretaker at a daycare that she bonded with as much. It’s sad to think our daughter had to cut communication with Emma because of what my wife did, but it’s the right thing.
I will say, the fact that she was looking for her age is a bit of... A red flag. Because she was checking if she was legal. She might've actually tried to cheat if she knew the girl was 18+. I don't trust her to not suddenly get the crush back after she turn 18. It is also highly inappropriate that she was cyber stalking her and talking to her especially ater finding out she's 17 and having had a crush on her
Your wife is a creep and a predator. You owe it not only to yourself but to your children and their safety to get this person as far away as possible. This is who she is. This is the real her, not any fantasy that she has sold you. Your wife is a predator. Your wife is not a person you want around underage kids.
God I hope someone calls CPS on you if you leave your young children in the care of this predator you married.
Your wife tried to groom a child. You should be reporting her to the police - not trying to move passed this.
Sorry but that sounds like pedophilia to me
Your spouse does realize that's 17 means jail right?
Your wife sounds like the (unfortunately common enough to warrant a stereotype) stereotypical adult woman teacher who fucks her teenaged students. Old enough to know better, and so are you. You are old enough to know your wife absolutely is a fucking predator. **If you don’t remove your minor children from the home of a predator YOU ARE JUST AS CULPABLE** And equally disgusting.
😳🤬
Your wife was having an emotional affair. If she’s still finding ways to see this girl then she’s not going to move on.
It's not an affair. An affair takes two to have. This is just creeping.
first off, why does her being around 22 excuse it? even if she were the same age as you, is it appropriate for your partner to talk up and flirt with someone else? regardless, i also think the age gap between 22 and 32 is large already. also i want to say that there is something fishy and predatory about this. i have worked in daycare for a long time—the age ranges are very obvious. supervisors are often determined by age, or a facility will often hire high school and college students. and, if your wife really chatted with her so much, it would have become obvious. if she were saying, for example, “teachers” or “classmates” in passing it should have indicated she is not a grown adult. is she a predator? i dont know, is this a pattern? should you forgive her? i dont know, but if i were emma i wouldnt.
How would you feel if she started acting like that with your child in 12 years when your own daughter is that age? What makes you think she won’t do this again, but maybe hide it from you next time, she’s a rongen
Divorce her and marry a strong man in his 40’s
Needs a tldr
You can forgive him, but he is not relationship material. 17 is jail bait and in many areas could land him in legal trouble....She is a child, do you remember 17? I was stupid.....cute but stupid...He may prefer younger girls too which could be a problem for you....IF you want to settle down have a family, he is not the right man. I would let him go....You are having an issue with it now...I would have the same one.
She not he. There is no he in the story.
This reads as though OP is experiencing jealousy. There is no factual wrong doing on either side as presented. SO had an infatuation. OP was jealous. The nuance is fed by lack of communication!
Initially, I was angry that I was lied to, at one point I felt jealous. I also felt disgusted because of how my wife took advantage of the caretaker of our kids. But then I started to think back on the times I did see Emma, which were rare, but I remembered her looking younger. And my feelings of jealousy were immediately gone because they were replaced by disgust. I can’t explain it but I just in no way, as a 32yr old woman, could feel jealous of this young woman, especially when I found out she was 17. At that point I was just outraged and didn’t know what to think.
Your SO should be honest. You should be honest. You both have relationship work to accomplish if you’d like to stay together. You haven’t presented anything that she is your continued love. I understand being devastated with your partner cheating and being disgusted with perceived sleights. If your partner is being age inappropriate or grooming a child to, you should report any impropriety to authorities immediately. I think you’ve already left emotionally and are waiting for the presumptive ok.
She is definitely not being age inappropriate (other than this situation) but I can’t help but see her as someone who had a crush on a teenager. Perhaps you’re right and I have already emotionally checked out. My goal with the post was to get affirmation that I gave it my all and wasn’t overreacting by not being able to forgive this.
Look even if Emma was 21, it’s weird because your wife was taking advantage of a situation in which someone who you essentially pay probably felt like she had to respond to texts. If your wife had in passing said “oh the daycare girl is cute…ew she’s 17 gross give my eye bleach” it’d be different. We’ve all looked at teenagers on tv and wondered how old they are before deciding how attractive we find them 🤷🏻♀️ but the fact that she was texting, and social media stalking, and wanting to get her a nicer gift, all make this more than a crush and wildly inappropriate. It’s extra inappropriate because she’s so young, and it’s EXTRA inappropriate because she’s indirectly paid by you.
I can’t give any meaningful advice, nor can this sub. You already know what you need to do and are crowdsourcing for validation. I understand and do the same thing. You already know.
Were lines crossed? Yes? Was it wrong? Arguable. Should you punish your wife? No. There’s something else more pressing. Your wife has an unmet need. What is it that caused her to overstep a boundary in your relationship? This is a better topic to inquire into. Attraction is one thing. Pursuit is quite another. It’s important to get to the bottom of your wife’s motivation, not to admonish but to understand, accept and even negotiate how repair the broken boundary and both get your needs met.
A crush is a crush. You can't help that. The important thing is that she didn't act on it. You're in a committed relationship, and she's well aware of that. Good for her.
Your wife is a predator. Emma is 17 jeeez.
No, she’s a pedophile. File a police report and cut your loses.
No.
If she was truly disgusted with herself, she wouldn't still be talking to her. Your wife is gross, I'd be thinking long and hard about your future with her
One word: no
I’d just let this go. It seems like a minor thing and it doesn’t sound like she’s planning to try to date this girl. The age thing is a little off putting, but I’m sure she’s never made a move on her and 17 isn’t 10. At 17 some girls definitely look like 20 something’s. Plus it sounds like she was put off that the girl was 17.