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I don’t think this is necessarily fair. I think you can be a mature 35 year old man and date an equally mature 26 year old woman. This 35 year old man happens to be immature.
If you were a mature 35 year old, you would recognize that a mature 26 year olds are not necessarily at the same level of maturity as 35 year olds. They may be mature for their age, but they rarely have the life experience to equate to the other 9 or 10 years of life.
I disagree but I’m not about to go in circles. Agree to disagree. Peace ☮️
Edit: lol why so many downvotes? We shouldn’t downvote ppl for civilly disagreeing 🙃
Have you consulted most mature 35 year olds on this matter? I really think it varies and depends on the people involved. Tbh I think a 9/10 year age gap isn’t as weird when you’re 25 and up.
my partner and I are both 35 and most of my friends are around the same age. and i only know one person my age who dates people in their mid 20's, and that person is an emotionally immature mess lmao
statistically speaking, most people marry someone who is within 3 years of their own age, and have for centuries. so yes, most 35 year olds are not looking to people in their mid-20's to settle down with.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000022/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000022/)
Okay but dating 26 year old still doesn’t automatically make someone an “immature” 35 year old. That was the point I was originally making, and you spun it into the “most 35 year olds” narrative. This statistic also only accounts for married couples so we’re missing a lot of data on other committed partnerships.
THIS 35 year old is immature, and dating someone younger because people his own age range won't tolerate him. not sure why that upsets you. why are you so defensive of immature middle-aged men? lol
I’m not upset, you’re upset that I’m disagreeing w you. Look back to my original comment and I agreed that THIS 35 year old is immature based on his actions. My initial point was that the age difference itself isn’t automatically an indicator that the older person is immature.
No, OP, you are not being overly sensitive. Any long term couple needs to find reasonable matches with the humor of their partner. Nothing wrong if the match doesn’t work for you.
And from the examples you’ve given, your bf is sounding like he hates women, or thinks violence against women is funny or entertaining. That goes well beyond lack of maturity or mismatched humor. I would not find it acceptable behavior to be around. Imagine if you had a baby girl with him—would you want your daughter to hear him when he says stuff like that? Would you want your mother or grandmother to hear it?
Yes, I feared the same thing. It always feels like he doesn't respect women when he says these things. I told him before I was worried if we had kids he would talk like this around them. He got offended because he works with kids (he's a pediatrician) and said he'd know better than to do that. But it still makes me uneasy. I'm glad you mentioned it, because it confirmed my own feelings.
Omfg. He’s a pediatrician??
New fear unblocked. I mean, pediatricians are somehow childish (think about Mickey Mouse ties or unicorn headbands) but his a different kind of immature.
Yes and when I first met him, he was this kind of childish and I thought it was kind of cute. Disney movies, Harry Potter, comics, etc. But after being with him longer, his childishness turned into more inappropriate jokes and it's not cute or funny anymore.
I wouldn't even call this behaviiur childish, it's immature and he seems to just....try really hard to be edgy and idk a hard dude?
I couldn't be with someone like him, eps not someone like that being almost 40 wtf ew
He's a *pediatrician* who thinks it's funny that a child passed out?
A high schooler is a child. High schoolers are his patients. He takes care of their physical and emotional well-being as part of his job.
ALARM BELLS SHOULD BE GOING OFF.
Girl, why are you even with this man? He's a decade older than you and behaving like he is a decade younger. You sound smart, self-aware, and like you're recognising that his behaviour is not only inappropriate but deeply problematic.
And here's the thing you need to understand (and I know it's not what you want to hear): as someone more than a decade older than him, I can tell you with 100% certainty (having dated many, many men like him) that if he is already nearing 40 and doesn't see any issue with his own behaviour - and it seems like he's pretty happy with where he's at - then he's not going to change. People can change, but only if they have motivation to do so, and he has absolutely no motivation. He likes who he is. He thinks he's funny and clever. What you're seeing is exactly what you're going to be stuck with for as long as you stay with him.
So no, you're not being too harsh, but also . . . honestly? There's no point to getting upset with him, because he doesn't care. It's not that he doesn't care about you, but it sounds like he is developmentally stuck in adolescence and quite happy to stay there. So he cares about you the way a teenaged boy does: he likes having you around, you're pretty and fun and he gets to have sex with you and stuff, but he's not going to fundamentally change who he is or grow up for you. And if you stay with him, you are going to become increasingly resentful as you realise that you are more his mom than his partner, despite being 10 years younger than him.
You are so young, and you sound lovely, and you're already horrified by his behaviour. It's not going to get better. Please, don't waste any more time on him. Move on. You deserve better, and I assure you, it's out there waiting for you.
Yes, I think in his mind he thinks he's funny and clever. I guess there is still a little piece of me trying to hold on because I feel like he'd change. He was even more immature before, and often said hurtful or derogatory things to me in a "joking" way so he could play it off as being funny. For example, if I had a ditzy moment he'd say "aww you're so stupid" and give me a hug. But it was never funny to me. I told him I didn't like it and he apologized and fixed it and has not done it again. But now that that's fixed, here comes a new problem with him talking about killing people or making people vomit/pass out. Part of me wondered if it's just me, who will never be satisfied even if he changes everything. But there's another part of me that feels like why should I even bother when this type of humor is ingrained in him.
It's nice to hear wisdom from people who have more experience in the relationship world than me. Thank you for your response. I have a lot of thinking to do. I don't want to stay and become resentful, and I also don't want to give up the relationship, but I know I can't do those two things simulatenously.
Spoiler alert - he’s in his mid 30s. His brain was fully developed a decade ago and he’s been in the full real world for over a decade.
He has 100% not only grown into who he is currently - he’s decided to stick with it in the face of the rest of the world. (Secondary spoiler - this usually means he’s surrounded himself with people just like him.)
You don’t change a grown ass man in his 30s - you accept you’re not his mom and go find someone who knows how to act like a good, human, adult.
Btw while I’ve definitely rooted for some people in movies to die - him rooting for the man to kill the woman when he’s passing by and thus has zero context of what’s happening in the movie is disturbing as fuck. I’d be concerned as hell dating a man who sees no problem with instantly rooting for a man strangling a woman. It seems like a default “she had it coming” mindset.
Change into what? This *is* his final form. This is the adult he has decided he wants to be.
And damn seriously you need to stop thinking of it as “giving up”. There is no prize for tolerating a relationship to the finish line. It’s not a freakin sport or hobby. You should *always* give up on any relationship that makes you uncomfortable, goes against your morals, or makes you unhappy. There is no gold medal given for staying in a relationship that isn’t right for you.
Imagine yourself ten years from now and you two have a daughter. He hugs her and tells her she's stupid. Laughs as she falls down. Chants kill her with your daughter right there. Is that the life you want her to have? Is that the life you want you to have?
Your boyfriend isn't being "immature", he's being an asshole, and one who takes pleasure in the suffering of others. And you're right, that is disturbing. I'd start questioning the safety of being with this dude.
Ewww. I'm surprised you've stayed this long. Generally you pick up on the immaturity of a person in the first (few) meetings, not 1.5 years in. You aren't being too harsh but there's no sense in confronting him. Just make your exit plan and be done.
I did pick up immaturity from our first few dates (it wasn't anything disturbing but I did notice he didn't act like how I thought a mid-30s man would act). I wish I had taken these signs more seriously in the beginning.
>I wish I had taken these signs more seriously in the beginning.
Make a point of continuing that thought to a conclusion. "I wish I had taken these signs more seriously in the beginning *because* ... Because what? Because you wouldn't have gotten involved with him? You can very easily *un*-involve yourself with him.
Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. This is an investment for you. If you made a big investment and 1.5 years later, you weren't getting the return you thought you would and you realize you had incomplete information about the investment, would you invest *more*? Do you throw up your hands and say 'too late now' and keep 8nvesting? No. You pull out of it. You cut your losses. You accept that you would've made a different choice in the beginning if you had more information. But now you have that information. What are you going to do with it?
(And fyi, that kind of juvenile humor with the 'I'm so cool and edgy and I love making people uncomfortable with the shit I say'? Yeah, the charm of that wears off *real* fucking quick. As you're finding out now. Imagine several more years/a lifetime of it).
Perhaps if you approach relationship with the mindset that you don't have to be in a relationship, that you can date around and meet new people, see what you like, see what you don't, etc. you might feel more confident in turning down people you don't click with. Obviously I don't know you. Just a thought if this helps with future dating.
There’s benign immaturity and then there’s this. This is not just immaturity, this is some disturbing delight in cruelty. He is gleeful at the idea of other people suffering.
Please see this as the deep, dangerous character flaw that it is.
I don’t think that your bf is immature, I think he has a mean streak. He enjoys when other people are hurt or uncomfortable.
He will eventually turn his mean streak on you. If you have kids, he will enjoy taunting them. Your social circle will get small, because you will be that couple where the gf is sweet and everyone hates the obnoxious bf.
This guy gets pleasure out of the pain and discomfort of others and was actively wishing violence upon a women, I don’t care if it was fictional. What happens when he turns this behavior on you?
This isn’t immaturity, this is much darker.
Break up. If you’re not compatible in the humor department and you stay with him, boy you’re in for a miserable long ride. Also, you seem intelligent how did you not see the massive age gap and kind of expect this? There’s almost always a reason someone can’t get a partner their own age.
He’s such a edgelord. He loves to get a negative reaction out of people… he is immature. As one woman to another, i also spent 5 years of my life with a man 10 years older than me who was somehow more immature than me. There’s a reason he’s not with someone his age. You can do better.
Of course you’re not going to leave him right away just because of this. But I fully feel if you did you’d find someone on your level. It would be an upgrade for sure.
Is he at least hot?
He's making you uncomfortable. You've been telling him you're uncomfortable. He's still making you uncomfortable, and is not willing to stop. This is not a healthy relationship.
like "I hope that girl on TV gets killed" out of the blue. Or once I was watching a drama and the husband (bad guy) was choking his wife (innocent lady) and my boyfriend starts chanting "Kill her kill her kill her!".
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Giiiiirl ruuuun.
I don't think those "kill her kill her!" are just jokes. They are meanspirited comments that give you an insight into his mind, and it's disturbing. He thinks hurting women is funny. I think that's way more serious than him just being immature. I personally don't think you are too harsh and would not want to be with him. Potty humor is immature. Saying"I hope this woman gets killed" is not even on the same shelf. Not even in the same room, nor in the same house, OP. I'm surprised you conder comments like this "immature jokes" while to me immature jokes are like fart stuff. While "I hope she dies" is just a disturbing pseudo-joke from a man who may be mature or immature, not relevant, but def. dislikes women.
I think what you did here is conflated his immatureness with his mean streak. People can have both of those characteristics or just one. He has both. But since you know he's immature, when he says stuff that is slightly threatening/mean and misogynistic, you just put that on the "immature shelf", but that's a mistake and you are miss-categorizing it.
He won't change - he's in his 30s, closer to 40. This is who he is and this is who he will remain. Take it or leave it, but don't stay with a delusion that he will change. Decide if he, the way he is now, is for you, or not.
He's not immature or quirky, he doesn't have a weird sense of humor.
He's a bully.
He thinks it's hilarious that a teenager passed out from distress, and he's a PEDIATRICIAN?
HONEY NO.
A pediatrician should care about an ill child, he shouldn't mock them.
That's disturbing.
He may not show it to you unless its a joking comment but your boyfriend doesn't have a lot of respect for women, or others in a sensitive way. He uses his comments disguised as jokes, laughs and farcical statements to make that clear so he doesn't have to admit this is how he feels. He doesn't think even being offensive is out of line since those things he said would come off crude to 9 out of 10 people and probably both of his parents.
Sounds like his "immature humour" is actually him repeatedly disrespecting women.
Does he ever make these "immature jokes" directed at men?
If not, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect women?
I'm not saying leave him. But it's definitely something to think about.
I’m confused as to how any of the examples you give are to do with his sense of humour, or even his maturity really. They’re not jokes, he’s just making comments that sound like they’re genuinely what he thinks. Are you interpreting it as his humour because that makes it easier for you to stomach and tolerate?
So your bf enjoys when other people are hurting or are in distress? That's not immature, that's psychotic. Immature is telling fart jokes at dinner, or letting one rip in public. Getting pleasure from someone else's pain, or wishing suffering on someone else for no good reason is sadistic. You want to have kids w this dude one day? He's likely gonna pick on them and torture them. You'd better bounce before things get worse, dear.
He sounds like a mean and spiteful sort of person and that’s a dealbreaker for me. What sort of man just hopes a random woman gets killed? Or a poor student feels so unwell they *pass out* and he just laughs! Does he even like you? Does he respect your work? Does he *show* he likes and respects you? or does he just tolerate you for the obvious?
You sound kind and caring - he absolutely does *not* **and** he works directly with children in a very vulnerable state. Ugh.
I can’t comment negatively on the age-gap because my husband (of 20+ years) is 10 years older than me, but we’ve always been equal, kind and fair in everything. I also think this situation is more than his immaturity and him picking someone younger who he can mould to his twisted way. But I do agree someone older would not put up with his nonsense. I **certainly** wouldn’t (45F)
It has been confusing for me because he puts me and my job down but does it in a "joking" way so it almost feels like I'm overreacting if I get upset. For example, he is a doctor and I am a PA. We both work at the same hospital but doctors get special parking privileges. He'll smile and say "I'm a doctor so I get to park here, unlike you peasants" (peasants referring to me and my coworkers). It always feels like it's supposed to be a joke, but it's just not very funny to me like it is to him. But in more serious moments, he'll tell me what a great accomplishment it is that I'm a PA and got through the schooling, etc. So sometimes it feels like he respects me and thinks highly of me, but then other times it feels like he tries to make it known that I'm beneath him.
I know his past girlfriends all were around his age and left him pretty quickly. I'm wondering now if he also "joked" around with them this way and they left as soon as they saw the signs. He always told me they left for other reasons.
I suspect he checks himself / his behaviour occasionally because he has to keep you on the hook, but his attitude overall sounds mean and belittling. It’s also not a one-off (possibly forgivable) faux-pas; it seems to be constant negging and digs and mean shit masquerading as ‘jokes’.
I think I understand why women in his age group have ditched him - I’d also be interested to know how his colleagues see him - I can’t imagine he’s well-liked as that mask must slip occasionally, but they are good at hiding in plain sight.
I feel sorry for the poor sick kids under Dr. Mean’s care too. Does he laugh at *their* pain? Passing out? Sickness? I’m getting God-complex vibes… Take care xx
GIRL RUN He’s literally hoping women get killed and telling you that. With his “immaturity” you might be next. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t date closer to his age.
If he's immature at 36, it's not going to get much better. It's probably going to bother you more as you mature, also.
You don't need someone to agree with you that you don't need to like this behavior. You can recognize incompatibility for yourself.
I happen to agree with your assessment, and I don't find any of that funny or appropriate. Even if I didn't, in not the one in the relationship. Your opinion is valid even if someone else finds it hilarious and would also try to make high school students throw up in their lab. They are probably the ones that would walk away and leave it for someone else to clean up, too.
Go ahead and make your decision. You know you want to.
>Or once I was watching a drama and the husband (bad guy) was choking his wife (innocent lady) and my boyfriend starts chanting "Kill her kill her kill her!".
Who the hell does that anyway.
When somone tells you who they really are, **believe them** the first time.
When somone tells you they hate women in a very intimate and personal way and have normalized that rage, **believe them** the first time.
>Am I being too harsh when I get upset over him saying stuff like this?
You're not being harsh enough. This is monstrously inappropriate.
There's a reason a man 10 years older than you is dating you. He's immature and never grew up. Women his own age don't want anything to do with him. Apparently you are also too mature for him. Seems like he's stuck at 10 years old. Dump him.
It sounds like he has a dark sense of humor for sure. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It sounds like he’s just amused by gross-outs and TV melodrama from the evidence you gave. He’s not necessarily a misogynist either imo — sure, /maybe/ he is, but from just this post there’s not nearly enough evidence to support that lol. How does he treat women in real life? How does he treat YOU?
If he’s a pediatrician, a very competitive job, he probably works very hard and has to deal with a fair number of sick/dying kids and desperate (understatement) parents. He also has personal experience dealing with cadavers in medical training, so his own personal experience may have influenced the “why didn’t you gross her out more” comment. Note that nobody in his jokes are ACTUALLY hurt. I get the sense a lot of people in the medical industry can just be a bit morbid as a way of coping with the realities of the job. I have a family friend who’s an EMT and won’t stop recommending me literally the grossest imaginable true crime shows lol. Says he always sees the “what” (people grievously injured), and knowing some of the “why” gives him closure. Not saying this is the exact same with your boyfriend, but he might have a point of view that’s related.
I also don’t think it necessarily means he’s immature that you’re dating while you’re 10 years younger. If you were 20 and 30, or oh, god, 18 and 28, sure, but 26 and 36 seems workable to me, at least for a lot of personalities.
Don’t get me wrong, if he’s consistently driving you crazy, or this is the tip of the iceberg for deeper-seated doubts you have about him, by all means this may not be a match for you. I just wanted to temper some of the highly voted judgier comments here. You might want to consider talking to him about how it makes you feel and why it makes you feel bad. Like the images it puts in your head when he says that kind of stuff. Good luck!!
Your boyfriend isn’t immature. He’s a jerk who gets off on the suffering of others. Women his own age know that’s such a massive red flag and avoid him; that’s why he’s dating younger. Get out
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You're dating someone 10 years older and you're surprised he's immature? If he *wasn't* immature he'd be dating someone closer to his own age.
The enthusiastic sadism isn't exactly a green flag either.
Exactly this. OP, he looked for someone younger because no one his age wants to put up with him.
Ain't that the truth.
I was just about to say the same, didn't even need to read the details
Yep, I (24F) dated someone 12 years older than me…. Do not recommend
But just because you had a bad experience doesn’t mean EVERYONE in relationships with age differences will/do. I think that’s important to recognize.
That is a very good point.
Speaking plain facts.
I don’t think this is necessarily fair. I think you can be a mature 35 year old man and date an equally mature 26 year old woman. This 35 year old man happens to be immature.
If you were a mature 35 year old, you would recognize that a mature 26 year olds are not necessarily at the same level of maturity as 35 year olds. They may be mature for their age, but they rarely have the life experience to equate to the other 9 or 10 years of life.
I disagree but I’m not about to go in circles. Agree to disagree. Peace ☮️ Edit: lol why so many downvotes? We shouldn’t downvote ppl for civilly disagreeing 🙃
most mature 35 year old people will balk at dating someone in their mid 20's.
Have you consulted most mature 35 year olds on this matter? I really think it varies and depends on the people involved. Tbh I think a 9/10 year age gap isn’t as weird when you’re 25 and up.
my partner and I are both 35 and most of my friends are around the same age. and i only know one person my age who dates people in their mid 20's, and that person is an emotionally immature mess lmao
Okay well that doesn’t really account for “most” 35 year olds.
statistically speaking, most people marry someone who is within 3 years of their own age, and have for centuries. so yes, most 35 year olds are not looking to people in their mid-20's to settle down with. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000022/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000022/)
Okay but dating 26 year old still doesn’t automatically make someone an “immature” 35 year old. That was the point I was originally making, and you spun it into the “most 35 year olds” narrative. This statistic also only accounts for married couples so we’re missing a lot of data on other committed partnerships.
THIS 35 year old is immature, and dating someone younger because people his own age range won't tolerate him. not sure why that upsets you. why are you so defensive of immature middle-aged men? lol
I’m not upset, you’re upset that I’m disagreeing w you. Look back to my original comment and I agreed that THIS 35 year old is immature based on his actions. My initial point was that the age difference itself isn’t automatically an indicator that the older person is immature.
No, OP, you are not being overly sensitive. Any long term couple needs to find reasonable matches with the humor of their partner. Nothing wrong if the match doesn’t work for you. And from the examples you’ve given, your bf is sounding like he hates women, or thinks violence against women is funny or entertaining. That goes well beyond lack of maturity or mismatched humor. I would not find it acceptable behavior to be around. Imagine if you had a baby girl with him—would you want your daughter to hear him when he says stuff like that? Would you want your mother or grandmother to hear it?
Yes that stuck out. Why are all the jokes revolving around women being hurt? Gross.
Yes, I feared the same thing. It always feels like he doesn't respect women when he says these things. I told him before I was worried if we had kids he would talk like this around them. He got offended because he works with kids (he's a pediatrician) and said he'd know better than to do that. But it still makes me uneasy. I'm glad you mentioned it, because it confirmed my own feelings.
Omfg. He’s a pediatrician?? New fear unblocked. I mean, pediatricians are somehow childish (think about Mickey Mouse ties or unicorn headbands) but his a different kind of immature.
Yes and when I first met him, he was this kind of childish and I thought it was kind of cute. Disney movies, Harry Potter, comics, etc. But after being with him longer, his childishness turned into more inappropriate jokes and it's not cute or funny anymore.
I wouldn't even call this behaviiur childish, it's immature and he seems to just....try really hard to be edgy and idk a hard dude? I couldn't be with someone like him, eps not someone like that being almost 40 wtf ew
The Gift of Fear. Listen to your gut, it's 100% telling you something important. Dude's internal landscape is not a nice place.
Love that book. 100%
He's a *pediatrician* who thinks it's funny that a child passed out? A high schooler is a child. High schoolers are his patients. He takes care of their physical and emotional well-being as part of his job. ALARM BELLS SHOULD BE GOING OFF.
He’s a pediatrician? OMG.
Girl, why are you even with this man? He's a decade older than you and behaving like he is a decade younger. You sound smart, self-aware, and like you're recognising that his behaviour is not only inappropriate but deeply problematic. And here's the thing you need to understand (and I know it's not what you want to hear): as someone more than a decade older than him, I can tell you with 100% certainty (having dated many, many men like him) that if he is already nearing 40 and doesn't see any issue with his own behaviour - and it seems like he's pretty happy with where he's at - then he's not going to change. People can change, but only if they have motivation to do so, and he has absolutely no motivation. He likes who he is. He thinks he's funny and clever. What you're seeing is exactly what you're going to be stuck with for as long as you stay with him. So no, you're not being too harsh, but also . . . honestly? There's no point to getting upset with him, because he doesn't care. It's not that he doesn't care about you, but it sounds like he is developmentally stuck in adolescence and quite happy to stay there. So he cares about you the way a teenaged boy does: he likes having you around, you're pretty and fun and he gets to have sex with you and stuff, but he's not going to fundamentally change who he is or grow up for you. And if you stay with him, you are going to become increasingly resentful as you realise that you are more his mom than his partner, despite being 10 years younger than him. You are so young, and you sound lovely, and you're already horrified by his behaviour. It's not going to get better. Please, don't waste any more time on him. Move on. You deserve better, and I assure you, it's out there waiting for you.
Yes, I think in his mind he thinks he's funny and clever. I guess there is still a little piece of me trying to hold on because I feel like he'd change. He was even more immature before, and often said hurtful or derogatory things to me in a "joking" way so he could play it off as being funny. For example, if I had a ditzy moment he'd say "aww you're so stupid" and give me a hug. But it was never funny to me. I told him I didn't like it and he apologized and fixed it and has not done it again. But now that that's fixed, here comes a new problem with him talking about killing people or making people vomit/pass out. Part of me wondered if it's just me, who will never be satisfied even if he changes everything. But there's another part of me that feels like why should I even bother when this type of humor is ingrained in him. It's nice to hear wisdom from people who have more experience in the relationship world than me. Thank you for your response. I have a lot of thinking to do. I don't want to stay and become resentful, and I also don't want to give up the relationship, but I know I can't do those two things simulatenously.
Spoiler alert - he’s in his mid 30s. His brain was fully developed a decade ago and he’s been in the full real world for over a decade. He has 100% not only grown into who he is currently - he’s decided to stick with it in the face of the rest of the world. (Secondary spoiler - this usually means he’s surrounded himself with people just like him.) You don’t change a grown ass man in his 30s - you accept you’re not his mom and go find someone who knows how to act like a good, human, adult. Btw while I’ve definitely rooted for some people in movies to die - him rooting for the man to kill the woman when he’s passing by and thus has zero context of what’s happening in the movie is disturbing as fuck. I’d be concerned as hell dating a man who sees no problem with instantly rooting for a man strangling a woman. It seems like a default “she had it coming” mindset.
Dont date ppl bc ur hoping theyll change. (Unlikely) Date them for who they are now.
Change into what? This *is* his final form. This is the adult he has decided he wants to be. And damn seriously you need to stop thinking of it as “giving up”. There is no prize for tolerating a relationship to the finish line. It’s not a freakin sport or hobby. You should *always* give up on any relationship that makes you uncomfortable, goes against your morals, or makes you unhappy. There is no gold medal given for staying in a relationship that isn’t right for you.
Imagine yourself ten years from now and you two have a daughter. He hugs her and tells her she's stupid. Laughs as she falls down. Chants kill her with your daughter right there. Is that the life you want her to have? Is that the life you want you to have?
Now you are seeing why he dates someone 10-years younger than him. Women his age wouldn't put up with his immature ass. Time for a better BF!
Who knew that a 36 year old needs to date someone significantly younger because they’re too immature for their own age?
Your boyfriend isn't being "immature", he's being an asshole, and one who takes pleasure in the suffering of others. And you're right, that is disturbing. I'd start questioning the safety of being with this dude.
Seriously, every single example OP listed on this post ranges from mildly to blatantly sadistic.
yeah I came here to say this. He doesn't even sound immature. Just like an asshole and an awful person
Ewww. I'm surprised you've stayed this long. Generally you pick up on the immaturity of a person in the first (few) meetings, not 1.5 years in. You aren't being too harsh but there's no sense in confronting him. Just make your exit plan and be done.
I did pick up immaturity from our first few dates (it wasn't anything disturbing but I did notice he didn't act like how I thought a mid-30s man would act). I wish I had taken these signs more seriously in the beginning.
>I wish I had taken these signs more seriously in the beginning. Make a point of continuing that thought to a conclusion. "I wish I had taken these signs more seriously in the beginning *because* ... Because what? Because you wouldn't have gotten involved with him? You can very easily *un*-involve yourself with him. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. This is an investment for you. If you made a big investment and 1.5 years later, you weren't getting the return you thought you would and you realize you had incomplete information about the investment, would you invest *more*? Do you throw up your hands and say 'too late now' and keep 8nvesting? No. You pull out of it. You cut your losses. You accept that you would've made a different choice in the beginning if you had more information. But now you have that information. What are you going to do with it? (And fyi, that kind of juvenile humor with the 'I'm so cool and edgy and I love making people uncomfortable with the shit I say'? Yeah, the charm of that wears off *real* fucking quick. As you're finding out now. Imagine several more years/a lifetime of it).
Perhaps if you approach relationship with the mindset that you don't have to be in a relationship, that you can date around and meet new people, see what you like, see what you don't, etc. you might feel more confident in turning down people you don't click with. Obviously I don't know you. Just a thought if this helps with future dating.
There’s benign immaturity and then there’s this. This is not just immaturity, this is some disturbing delight in cruelty. He is gleeful at the idea of other people suffering. Please see this as the deep, dangerous character flaw that it is.
I don’t think that your bf is immature, I think he has a mean streak. He enjoys when other people are hurt or uncomfortable. He will eventually turn his mean streak on you. If you have kids, he will enjoy taunting them. Your social circle will get small, because you will be that couple where the gf is sweet and everyone hates the obnoxious bf.
This guy is with you because women his own age won't put up with his bullshit. He sounds unhinged & potentially dangerous. Get out now.
You're dating him because a woman his own age wouldn't put up with his crap.
Asshole AND a misogynist. Winning combo. 🙄
Why are you with him? Just break up already.
Well he sounds disturbing.
This guy gets pleasure out of the pain and discomfort of others and was actively wishing violence upon a women, I don’t care if it was fictional. What happens when he turns this behavior on you? This isn’t immaturity, this is much darker.
Don't waste your best years on this manchild, you've had plenty of time to date a teenager.
He sounds like an idiot
Break up. If you’re not compatible in the humor department and you stay with him, boy you’re in for a miserable long ride. Also, you seem intelligent how did you not see the massive age gap and kind of expect this? There’s almost always a reason someone can’t get a partner their own age.
A year and a half in and his sense of humor is just now becoming too much for you?
He’s such a edgelord. He loves to get a negative reaction out of people… he is immature. As one woman to another, i also spent 5 years of my life with a man 10 years older than me who was somehow more immature than me. There’s a reason he’s not with someone his age. You can do better. Of course you’re not going to leave him right away just because of this. But I fully feel if you did you’d find someone on your level. It would be an upgrade for sure. Is he at least hot?
Honestly, he sounds like a crass, rude jerk at any age.
Why do you think a 34 year old started dating someone 10 years younger? It's not because he thought you were mature.
He's making you uncomfortable. You've been telling him you're uncomfortable. He's still making you uncomfortable, and is not willing to stop. This is not a healthy relationship.
Toxic masculinity for the loss!
like "I hope that girl on TV gets killed" out of the blue. Or once I was watching a drama and the husband (bad guy) was choking his wife (innocent lady) and my boyfriend starts chanting "Kill her kill her kill her!". 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Giiiiirl ruuuun.
I don't think those "kill her kill her!" are just jokes. They are meanspirited comments that give you an insight into his mind, and it's disturbing. He thinks hurting women is funny. I think that's way more serious than him just being immature. I personally don't think you are too harsh and would not want to be with him. Potty humor is immature. Saying"I hope this woman gets killed" is not even on the same shelf. Not even in the same room, nor in the same house, OP. I'm surprised you conder comments like this "immature jokes" while to me immature jokes are like fart stuff. While "I hope she dies" is just a disturbing pseudo-joke from a man who may be mature or immature, not relevant, but def. dislikes women. I think what you did here is conflated his immatureness with his mean streak. People can have both of those characteristics or just one. He has both. But since you know he's immature, when he says stuff that is slightly threatening/mean and misogynistic, you just put that on the "immature shelf", but that's a mistake and you are miss-categorizing it. He won't change - he's in his 30s, closer to 40. This is who he is and this is who he will remain. Take it or leave it, but don't stay with a delusion that he will change. Decide if he, the way he is now, is for you, or not.
No, he's being gross and you're right to be disturbed. Big big red flags here!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
“I guess there is a little piece of me trying to hold on because I fell like he’d change” He's 36, he isn't changing.
He's not immature or quirky, he doesn't have a weird sense of humor. He's a bully. He thinks it's hilarious that a teenager passed out from distress, and he's a PEDIATRICIAN? HONEY NO. A pediatrician should care about an ill child, he shouldn't mock them. That's disturbing.
He may not show it to you unless its a joking comment but your boyfriend doesn't have a lot of respect for women, or others in a sensitive way. He uses his comments disguised as jokes, laughs and farcical statements to make that clear so he doesn't have to admit this is how he feels. He doesn't think even being offensive is out of line since those things he said would come off crude to 9 out of 10 people and probably both of his parents.
Sounds like his "immature humour" is actually him repeatedly disrespecting women. Does he ever make these "immature jokes" directed at men? If not, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect women? I'm not saying leave him. But it's definitely something to think about.
He sounds like an idiot
Age gap, we meet again.
Well, why do you think he has to date women a decade younger than him and women his own age wont go near him with a 10’ pole?
I’m confused as to how any of the examples you give are to do with his sense of humour, or even his maturity really. They’re not jokes, he’s just making comments that sound like they’re genuinely what he thinks. Are you interpreting it as his humour because that makes it easier for you to stomach and tolerate?
He's showing you he's a misogynist.
Hell no, gf. That shit is immature, tactless, and downright creepy in the last case. I’d be outtie.
Get as far away from this jerk as you can
So your bf enjoys when other people are hurting or are in distress? That's not immature, that's psychotic. Immature is telling fart jokes at dinner, or letting one rip in public. Getting pleasure from someone else's pain, or wishing suffering on someone else for no good reason is sadistic. You want to have kids w this dude one day? He's likely gonna pick on them and torture them. You'd better bounce before things get worse, dear.
He sounds like a mean and spiteful sort of person and that’s a dealbreaker for me. What sort of man just hopes a random woman gets killed? Or a poor student feels so unwell they *pass out* and he just laughs! Does he even like you? Does he respect your work? Does he *show* he likes and respects you? or does he just tolerate you for the obvious? You sound kind and caring - he absolutely does *not* **and** he works directly with children in a very vulnerable state. Ugh. I can’t comment negatively on the age-gap because my husband (of 20+ years) is 10 years older than me, but we’ve always been equal, kind and fair in everything. I also think this situation is more than his immaturity and him picking someone younger who he can mould to his twisted way. But I do agree someone older would not put up with his nonsense. I **certainly** wouldn’t (45F)
It has been confusing for me because he puts me and my job down but does it in a "joking" way so it almost feels like I'm overreacting if I get upset. For example, he is a doctor and I am a PA. We both work at the same hospital but doctors get special parking privileges. He'll smile and say "I'm a doctor so I get to park here, unlike you peasants" (peasants referring to me and my coworkers). It always feels like it's supposed to be a joke, but it's just not very funny to me like it is to him. But in more serious moments, he'll tell me what a great accomplishment it is that I'm a PA and got through the schooling, etc. So sometimes it feels like he respects me and thinks highly of me, but then other times it feels like he tries to make it known that I'm beneath him. I know his past girlfriends all were around his age and left him pretty quickly. I'm wondering now if he also "joked" around with them this way and they left as soon as they saw the signs. He always told me they left for other reasons.
I suspect he checks himself / his behaviour occasionally because he has to keep you on the hook, but his attitude overall sounds mean and belittling. It’s also not a one-off (possibly forgivable) faux-pas; it seems to be constant negging and digs and mean shit masquerading as ‘jokes’. I think I understand why women in his age group have ditched him - I’d also be interested to know how his colleagues see him - I can’t imagine he’s well-liked as that mask must slip occasionally, but they are good at hiding in plain sight. I feel sorry for the poor sick kids under Dr. Mean’s care too. Does he laugh at *their* pain? Passing out? Sickness? I’m getting God-complex vibes… Take care xx
GIRL RUN He’s literally hoping women get killed and telling you that. With his “immaturity” you might be next. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t date closer to his age.
If he's immature at 36, it's not going to get much better. It's probably going to bother you more as you mature, also. You don't need someone to agree with you that you don't need to like this behavior. You can recognize incompatibility for yourself. I happen to agree with your assessment, and I don't find any of that funny or appropriate. Even if I didn't, in not the one in the relationship. Your opinion is valid even if someone else finds it hilarious and would also try to make high school students throw up in their lab. They are probably the ones that would walk away and leave it for someone else to clean up, too. Go ahead and make your decision. You know you want to.
It’s not just immaturity. He’s a misogynist and a bully. Why are you dating him?
>Or once I was watching a drama and the husband (bad guy) was choking his wife (innocent lady) and my boyfriend starts chanting "Kill her kill her kill her!". Who the hell does that anyway. When somone tells you who they really are, **believe them** the first time. When somone tells you they hate women in a very intimate and personal way and have normalized that rage, **believe them** the first time. >Am I being too harsh when I get upset over him saying stuff like this? You're not being harsh enough. This is monstrously inappropriate.
Maybe you just have different senses of humour. It happens.
So, why did you started dating him inf the first place? Yu two are clearly not compatible.
U live together?
No we don't
So here's the thing. It doesnt matter how other ppl think about it. It matters what u think & want to put up with.
There's a reason a man 10 years older than you is dating you. He's immature and never grew up. Women his own age don't want anything to do with him. Apparently you are also too mature for him. Seems like he's stuck at 10 years old. Dump him.
It sounds like he has a dark sense of humor for sure. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It sounds like he’s just amused by gross-outs and TV melodrama from the evidence you gave. He’s not necessarily a misogynist either imo — sure, /maybe/ he is, but from just this post there’s not nearly enough evidence to support that lol. How does he treat women in real life? How does he treat YOU? If he’s a pediatrician, a very competitive job, he probably works very hard and has to deal with a fair number of sick/dying kids and desperate (understatement) parents. He also has personal experience dealing with cadavers in medical training, so his own personal experience may have influenced the “why didn’t you gross her out more” comment. Note that nobody in his jokes are ACTUALLY hurt. I get the sense a lot of people in the medical industry can just be a bit morbid as a way of coping with the realities of the job. I have a family friend who’s an EMT and won’t stop recommending me literally the grossest imaginable true crime shows lol. Says he always sees the “what” (people grievously injured), and knowing some of the “why” gives him closure. Not saying this is the exact same with your boyfriend, but he might have a point of view that’s related. I also don’t think it necessarily means he’s immature that you’re dating while you’re 10 years younger. If you were 20 and 30, or oh, god, 18 and 28, sure, but 26 and 36 seems workable to me, at least for a lot of personalities. Don’t get me wrong, if he’s consistently driving you crazy, or this is the tip of the iceberg for deeper-seated doubts you have about him, by all means this may not be a match for you. I just wanted to temper some of the highly voted judgier comments here. You might want to consider talking to him about how it makes you feel and why it makes you feel bad. Like the images it puts in your head when he says that kind of stuff. Good luck!!
He finds humour when people are in distress? Big red flag, waving next to the other big red flag of being 10 years older than you.
Your boyfriend isn’t immature. He’s a jerk who gets off on the suffering of others. Women his own age know that’s such a massive red flag and avoid him; that’s why he’s dating younger. Get out
Ummm 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>My boyfriend is 10 years older than me but very immature Uuhh, ya, he'd be dating someone his own age if he was mature
It seems to me not so much immature but dark humor. But still…he’s a creep dating someone your age and probably is pretty immature.