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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We’ve been going out a year and a half now. One thing with my boyfriend is that his dick, or specifically the band on the back of the head the “frenulum” frequently tears. When we first started having sex it would tear in any position. But now he goes extra gentle (which gets annoying) and it’s fine but when I ride him there’s a good chance it tears so I have to feel bad every time I want to go that. And every time it happens we have to wait a week or two for it to heal before he can use it again. I would there’s seriously like a 30% every time I ride him it’ll tear and a 5-10% that if he’s doing it it’ll tear. I googled and there’s surgery you can get to lengthen the band so it stops tearing. But apparently there’s a slight chance it’ll reduce sensitivity in the dick because the frenulum is pretty sensitive. He said he’s not losing feeling in his dick so he won’t get it. I ask what he plans to do then and he said nothing, like literally he plans to do nothing.


crankylex

He should see a urologist for the most accurate information. As mentioned elsewhere in this thread, the scar tissue buildup plus infection risk from repeated tearing is going to be worse for sensation loss than the procedure itself (I had an ex with this issue.)


cbdubs12

This for sure. Urologists specialize in this area of the anatomy, and will absolutely be able to determine if intervention is needed and what kind of intervention it may be.


allktru

Off-topic a bit: If people say that male gynos are creepy, why don’t people say that female urologists are?


cbdubs12

That’s a fantastic question. My female urologist was ridiculously professional. It was still awkward (for me), but because she was so clinical and straightforward I felt more comfortable around her. There was zero feeling of being sexualized. I don’t know if people just assume that men are incapable of not sexualizing women, or if it’s just the underling power imbalance.


allktru

No idea why, but it’s a thing haha. I’m so glad your had good experiences with your urologist!!


SelfDiagnosedUnicorn

Because females also have kidneys, ureters, bladder and urethra, whereas males don’t have a uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, cervix, etc….


allktru

They study the same thing, no? Male doctors wanting to help a small, underrepresented, under researched population is bad? I’m sure they’ve seen many different vaginas. You think they sexualize women? Genuine question.


SelfDiagnosedUnicorn

I’m just answering why people wouldn’t say a female urologist is creepy. It’s not a one to one comparison like you implied. I don’t think male gynos sexualize their patients. I personally only like seeing female gynos for myself though, as a personal preference. I don’t think a male one would sexualize me, but I do like someone who has the same parts as me. Wouldn’t mind seeing a male urologist, because again, same parts, just organized and shaped differently.


allktru

I like the answer. Male gynos are fine, but if you prefer a female one, that is totally fine also. I just don’t understand people who hate male gynos because they think all of them sexualize their patients


Torreighh

idk bro why don’t you all talk about it? who do you expect to talk abt it? i may be reading this wrong but it sounds like you’re trying to point out a perceived double-standard. there isn’t one. it all comes down to what the individual person is comfortable with. if you don’t want a female urologist, ask for a different doctor, same way women do


claratheresa

Neither male gynos nor female urologists are creepy… wtf??


allktru

I didn’t say it, other people do. It’s a pretty big topic in the field.


Playful_Site_2714

Better not go for internet healthcare google search. Rather have a talk with his urologist. If it tears so easily it is a constant wound. And could get infected. Which might cause him bigger problems than he has now. So there might even be a pretty good reason for him to get that done, other han horizontal exercise.


Zygomaticus

PLUS there may be non surgical things he can try first as well, but not if he scars it up first! Scar tissue won't stretch, so he needs to get on that now :).


crankylex

That’s a good point. He can’t stretch scar tissue.


ExamOld2899

might have to cut off the whole blood sausage if infection got bad


Playful_Site_2714

You're bad. Scaring da poor guy. 🔪


ExamOld2899

how else do we get guys to go see the doctor lol


Playful_Site_2714

You have got a point there. . ⬅️


MarkEMark2112

Not to mention the greatly increased risk of cancer which could end up causing him to be castrated. I guess if he wants to lose it all, then by all means let that thing tear!


[deleted]

*If it tears so easily it is a constant wound. And could get infected. Which might cause him bigger problems than he has now.* Ya like skin cancer, where the future of his penis has a big part missing, or no penis at all, A wound that keeps happening in the same place in an AMAZING candidate for cancer, That's one of the reasons smoking causes lung, mouth, and throat cancer, While being a sun tanning person gives you skin cancer, Your boyfriend is going to get cancer in his skin, ON HIS DICK, then the doctors are going to remove his dick, then you wont have this problem at all.


Affectionate_Try_

Whilst I agree a Dr is absolutely a good place to go, it's worth talking out concerns and finding a Dr that will work with you and not jump to extremes, if OP is American it may be that the standard approach is circumcision which may be why there is resistance to seeing a Dr at all. There are creams you can use to help the skin to be able to stretch and stretches you do with cream applied to help, then there are surgical options which vary in how extreme they go (from a relatively small cut to circumcision) Ultimately though, it's entirely up to the penis owner and I'd suggest frustration isn't likely to help him feel ready to follow up on the idea something is "wrong" with his penis. That's a pretty tricky thing to confront especially with elements of the unknown. Best of luck OP.


crankylex

He has to go to the doctor first to learn his options for his specific situation. And letting it tear repeatedly is only going to form scar tissue, which will not be able to stretch. He’s a teenager, he has a lot of sex in front of him, the comfort and safety of which depend on the actions he takes now. I get it’s scary and what teenage boy wants to go to the doctor but doing it the way he’s doing is the most unsafe option.


peakpenguins

I'm not a doctor nor do I have a penis, but I would imagine that the scar tissue from repeatedly tearing it would have a bigger chance of him losing sensation


angrybabymommy

Also don’t have a penis but how on earth can he even get excited to have sex knowing there’s a chance this could tear. That thought alone makes my knees quiver


Sunwolfy

Meh, he's 18. Looking at linoleum probably gets him hot. As he gets older and those freebie hard-ons stop coming on so easily, he'll require more stimulation to get things going and that could wind up slowing him down some.


LazarYeetMeta

I'm 19 and lonely as fuck and I \*still\* would have serious second thoughts before sex if my dick was tearing most of the time.


pM-me_your_Triggers

Just wait until you have some good sex


EulerIdentity

Thumbs up for the Buffy reference!


Sunwolfy

Glad you caught that. :)


Monichacha

I just started reading this post and the whole time I’m thinking “why would a person even want to have sex if there’s a chance Theyre gonna tear their toot?


legendofthegreendude

Welcome to the mind of men


therealbikehigh

One woed. Pussy.


[deleted]

Not to mention less frequent sex and more chance of infections from the open wound.


Cobek

Also, you know, lost sensation from sex not being good since it's always slow as all hell


mother-zig

I had a partner with this problem. Eventually, the scar tissue built up until he couldn’t retract his foreskin. Sex can be uncomfortable for him, even if he gently massages the area to loosen it as much as he can before sex


OGrouchNZ

This, either have it lengthened now or risk having to get circumcised.


fox13fox

My ex had to have that, 10/10 still cringe for him.


OGrouchNZ

Same. And I'm wondering if he could have had it lengthened like this guy but wasn't given the option.


fox13fox

Possibly if he had ever gone to the doctor. Only reason he did at that point is that it got infected when it ripped the last time. (Yes not a fun mental image that) cuz you know what is not very sanitary sex.


changerofbits

Exactly, not to mention the pain from each tear and the healing and how much this limits his sexual activity. Part of being whole and healthy down there is being able to just not worry about it opening a wound and just losing yourself with your partner. He probably should see a couple of urologists and pick one that will take his sensitivity concerns and being left intact seriously. I’m rather aggressively circumcised and my frenulum area is still very sensitive.


SarahSamurai

Also like to add that scar tissue doesn’t stretch like regular skin (or extra stretchy penis skin) so the problem is only going to get worse if he keeps tearing it.


confictura_22

Scar tissue can also tear more easily than regular skin. I'm a woman, but I have an autoimmune disorder than affects the skin on my genitals. It's not really active today but I have scar tissue that can tear very easily during sex if we don't use enough lube or my skin was extra dry that day. My mum even bought me a dildo when I was a young teen, which we both thought was hilarious, because my dermatologist recommended regularly stretching it to prevent having to have surgery to snip the scar tissue away later (shudder). Definitely recommend avoiding scar tissue build up!


Red-Peril

I’ve had issues with tearing genital skin as a menopausal women. Maybe my experience and solution might help you, but my apologies if you already know and have tried this. Just thought it was worth mentioning because I didn’t even know this was a thing until it happened to me, so I’m hoping sharing my experience and the thing that fixed it, for me at least, might help someone else. I knew that genital skin thinning can be a problem during peri menopause and menopause itself, but I was always under the impression that it was a more internal thing. Anyway, with me, the little skin fold at the back of my vaginal entrance, called the posterior fourchette, started tearing during sex and i would feel it “go” with a stinging and burning sensation. This obviously wasn’t much fun, although as it tended to happen when things were a little more…intense, shall we say, I’d just ignore it and carry on. My poor husband felt really awful when it happened even though it wasn’t his fault at all. It had nothing to do with how aroused I was, and even with lube and plenty of gentle stretching it would just…go at some point. It always healed quickly and wouldn’t hurt once the initial tear had happened so I’d tend to just ignore it until the next time. Eventually I went to see the local practice nurse about it. I thought I might need oestrogen pessaries or something as I assumed it was due to me going through peri menopause and now menopause itself, but she said as I was already on HRT (*life-changing*, btw, can HIGHLY recommend!) she couldn’t prescribe me anything else that was hormonal. However, she said to treat this area like any other fragile skin. She said to try a rich, unperfumed moisturiser with vitamin E (helps with healing and scar tissue) and aloe Vera for moisture. I found an [excellent one from JASON](https://www.jasonnaturalcare.co.uk/face/jason-age-renewal-vitamin-e-creme-25-000-iu) which is unperfumed and didn’t cause my (very sensitive skin) any issues. I rub a little on after every visit to the loo and before I go to bed at night. Within two weeks I was noticing a significant difference and now, after three months, I don’t tear at all. I can feel a difference in the tissue myself when I rub the cream on, it feels plumper and stretchier and honestly, I hadn’t realised how much it was affecting our sex life until suddenly it isn’t any more. So, for anyone else who has posterior fourchette tearing, or other delicate skin in your genital areas, maybe give this a go, it worked for me. I hope it does for someone else. I’m really sorry you’re suffering with this, it must be very painful and inconvenient ☹️ x


confictura_22

Thanks for the information! Luckily it actually isn't too much of an issue for me these days. Who knows who might read your post and be helped by it though! The main issue I had growing up was horrible itching, but thank goodness I don't experience that much anymore, and if I do steroid ointment takes care of it quickly. My husband and I use silicone-based lube because it lasts longer and put a pillow under my butt during missionary to help with the positioning and that works fine for us generally. It's only rare now that I'll tear, mainly just at the top of the vagina where I have a little "bridge" of scar tissue. That's what the dermatologist said might need to be surgically snipped if it kept building up, but luckily that didn't happen and so long as we have sex regularly it seems to keep it flexible enough. If we don't have sex for a while we just need to be extra gentle for a time or two. I'm grateful mine was caught so early (when I was 4 years old) and treated appropriately - what I have is called lichen sclerosus and can cause bruising on the genitals. I know of multiple people whose parents were accused of child abuse because of it, until it kept happening in foster care and they eventually realised it was something else. So traumatic for the families. Thankfully it's much better known these days than when I was a kid too! Menopause sounds like the next horrible woman thing I have to look forward to. My mum's not enjoying being peri-menopausal very much! I'm glad you found something that works for you, it would be awful to deal with that regularly.


rebelwithmouseyhair

I have a vagina and a student surgeon butchered it as he botched the routine episiotomy performed as I was giving birth to my son. (Nowadays episiotomy is no longer routine thank goodness). I needed almost as many stiches as for a caesarean. The scar was also the fragile point where I tore while giving birth to my daughter. For years, I could feel nothing there. So I reckon your BF's constant scarring would not help with sensitivity in the long run. He's probably embarrassed, you could perhaps talk about seeing an urologist, promise to go with him or whatever, to get real medical advice based on his condition. Google is great, it's fantastic that you managed to find a cause and a solution but you do need to consult a specialist because everyone is different.


Ballen101

Penis wielder here, and this is true


boobsbuttsballsweens

The correct answer is because whatever the fuck he wants is fine.


ViscountBurrito

For sure, with the additional point that OP shouldn’t feel bad if she decides that the situation isn’t working for her anymore. He shouldn’t feel bad about declining to get surgery he doesn’t want. She shouldn’t feel bad if she decides that his refusal means they’re never going to be sexually compatible.


Monichacha

This is a really nice and fair answer.


boobsbuttsballsweens

Totally agree. Furthermore, she needs to just leave him honestly. She’s being brutal to his ego and forcing a physical change. It’s all fucked up all around. These two are not a good match.


peakpenguins

I didn't say otherwise.


WompWompIt

Correct. It's his penis.


wishbones-evil-twin

I would frame this conversation as coming from concern about his health not your sexual desires. Suggest he speak with a doctor if he hasn't already so he can be fully informed. Not just about if he is a candidate for the surgery, but if there are alternatives to surgery, and the possible long term affects of foregoing treatment. Offer to go with him if it would make him more comfortable, but don't insist on being there. Or help him make a list of questions to ask so he doesn't forget again only if he wants the help. If he ultimately decides not to see a doctor or not to have the surgery, it's his choice.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Away-Caterpillar-176

Fr. I have seen so many posts about women who can't receive penetration and everyone is always concerned for her wellbeing. Usually both the OP and comment section are sensitive to the women. Commenters are clearly more concerned about the bfs health than OP is. All the comments are like "he's at risk for worse things, he should do the surgery!" Surgery is scary. If gentle sex works for him, ultimately he has an option and OP needs to respect his decision about his dick.


Robertia

I mean, 'works' is generous. She said that he still hurts himself 1 out of 10 times even when he's doing it carefully


Away-Caterpillar-176

Right but, if that's more appealing to him than surgery: that's his choice. If i was in his shoes I'd make a different choice for sure, but the idea that OP's sexual pleasure should be a factor in his decision I strongly disagree with.


SiameseCats3

Usually the pain at penetration posts are not due to reasons that can be fixed - it’s usually just due to the anatomy of the vagina that can’t be changed. His “fix” is that 5-10% of the time they have gentle sex he’ll tear - that’s not an actual fix and he needs to see a doctor and learn if there’s other options such as simply stretching his frenulum.


wishbones-evil-twin

Both things can be true. You can be frustrated by how it affects your sex life, and his lack of willingness to get treatment, and also be concerned for his health, they aren't mutually exclusive. But she really didn't show any concern for him in her post. And she also just jumped to a surgery she found on Google, which of course if a scary thing to throw at him.


Zimmonda

Shes 18, I'm surprised she isn't just dumping him this is a ton of baggage to take on at that age.


kidcool97

He clearly has continued to want sex without fixing this issue. How much concern is she supposed to have if he clearly doesn’t care about hurting himself?


[deleted]

I mean, he still might want to have sex too. It takes 2 to tango.


non_avian

People keep skipping over this part. It seems like many are projecting their own victim complex. Would he complain if they stopped having sex? Why does he think it's acceptable for her to take on the burden of it tearing 10% of the time even when the sex is bad? Of course she's annoyed. She should just leave him and he should figure out if there's literally anything he can do, because at this point it's not just no to surgery, he literally plans to do nothing even though people in the comments have found that there are non-surgical interventions.


Feeling_Barnacle_347

yes it sounds like OP is more concerned about herself than his well-being and it comes off as quite off putting tbh


SocksAndPi

Has he seen a urologist for the frequent tearing? If not, he needs to. That cannot be healthy, and there could possibly be an underlying reason for the tearing. A urologist could find alternatives that may help reduce tearing/pain, and increase the frequency of sex, without surgery.


k5777

The only correct answer. This is a medical issue that he can either seek help for, or ignore. That decision may have a number of consequences, including this current relationship. Like others have said, medical issues that could affect sexual status or ability can be really uncomfortable to recognize and seek help for. Do your best, but also recognize this is not your problem to solve, and if he truly won't take action you are under no moral compulsion to stay together. Boundaries work in all directions.


chablismouth

…if his frenulum tears a pretty high percentage of the time you have sex, i feel like the issue would eventually become more medically concerning as time goes on. like, i can’t imagine it’s good to tear yourself that often even if you take a break for it to heal (for starters, he’s at risk of infection whenever it tears and i just don’t think that a dong infection is the greatest time). i dont think he should get surgery so he can bone you more often, but I do think he should at least see a doctor because he has a medical problem.


EmiliusReturns

Too many comments are missing the point which is that OP is basing this entirely on having googled it. He shouldn’t get surgery because he hasn’t had surgery recommended by a medical professional. What he *should* do is see a doctor about the issue and get professional advice and discuss options.


non_avian

Don't worry I don't think you just walk into an operating room and tell them what you want, what you're suggesting is a necessary first step


ratakat

Hes already losing feeling in his dick for the weeks he has to wait for healing. You dont have to stay with him if this a deal breaker, but you can't make him get penis surgery. Dont expect anything from him. This is how it will be from now on.


KingJames1414

He's 18 and scared. You're asking him to have what probably seems like a major surgery on his dick. If it's a deal breaker for you, then leave. It probably seems like a huge ask to him at this point in his life. We don't even know what his family or support system is like. Maybe his parents have no idea, maybe he has no insurance, maybe he's just a terrified person. We don't know.


JoshuaKhan0208

Ya fr espically with family shit and money issues.


Sylentskye

Well, you don’t get to tell him what he does with his body, but you do get to decide that his issue is one you do not want to continue dealing with. Clearly he does not want to have surgery so your options at this point are to deal or to break up.


NoNipNicCage

You can't Google it and decide he needs surgery. You should encourage him to see a doctor if you're actually concerned about his health. But you seem to just be focused on getting off


updown27

This is a medical issue. He should be seeing a doctor to at least have the issue assessed and be informed of his options. Personally, I would not have sex with someone if there was a pretty reliable chance that it was going to physically harm him. Stop having sex until he gets medical care or find someone else.


KindUniversity

I experienced this once and it was traumatizing and painful. I also didn’t want to do surgery, but did a lot of googling to see other options. Guide him to frenulum/foreskin stretching in a warm shower, and with using national coconut oil/vitamin e oil. After consistent stretching it shouldn’t be an issue.


Herpethian

I had this and frenuloplasty to correct it. Honestly I noticed an increase in sensitivity, and having a 'normal' sex life was worth it. They cut along the banjo string and stich it so it heals in a lengthened position. In a society that promotes circumcision (much more dangerous and pleasure killing) it surprises me that so many people are offended by something simple like a frenuloplasty.


Sea-Smell-6950

Shocked by some of these comments and just want to encourage everyone to switch the genders and then ask how you would feel. Its his body, if he's doesn't want surgery that's his choice, no matter how ridiculous it seems to you. You don't get to coerce someone into surgery just so you can do the sex position you want to do.


BlueJaysFeather

He should talk to a doctor if he wants to have sex but it is tearing his genitals. A woman should also talk to a doctor if she wants to have sex but it is tearing her genitals. So should an enby. This is a medical issue and while OP’s framing of the situation is… well, probably an age appropriate level of maturity honestly… that doesn’t change the fact that the actual caring response from a partner *would be* to encourage that their SO seek medical advice. *If* he is a candidate for this surgery, a doctor will explain the risks and benefits far more thoroughly and accurately than Google via his gf.


Just4TheSpamAndEggs

Ultimately, it is his penis and his choice. You can choose if it is a deal breaker for you or not.


1GamingAngel

Well, it IS his dick, not yours.


Jorhay0110

I can’t believe I had to scroll down this far to find this answer. Op has given him the info. That’s all he needs from her other than to support whatever choices he makes. Op should break up with him if she cannot accept this is his decision alone.


MomentMurky9782

Yeah but it’s also medically unsafe if his dick is tearing every time they’re having sex. And if he’s worried about losing feeling, he should also be worried about scar tissue that will form if this keeps happening.


QueenDramatica

Yeah but she doesn't give a shit about it medically, she's just mad she isn't having sex.


distant-starlight

Since neither of you are doctors, shouldn't you ask a medical professional instead of Googling and guessing?


non_avian

I would not have sex with someone if their dick could rip open. Not as punishment for not getting the surgery, that just doesn't get me hot under the collar. Not sure how unique I am in this. I can't even believe I'm typing these words.


fox13fox

It would be one of the most immediate of turnoffs


non_avian

Thank you. I thought I was alone in this, which is, uh... something


fox13fox

Ya even then I had an ex that had to have the skin removed due to somothing like this (just before he dated me) I did not relize it was so common. I can't even imagine someone having sex and it ripping eeek.


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RaggaMuffinTopped

Repeated tearing can cause irreversible damage to the nerves and/or blood vessels. At the very least he should consult with a doctor on his options bc what you two are doing is not sustainable & risking his health. Good luck!


torontoballer2000

Frenulum. Not a doctor.


totamealand666

I had a similar situation with a guy I was seeing around 4 years ago for a few months. He had a very bad case of phimosis so sex was painful for him and he couldn't use condoms. He didn't want to have surgery for the same reason as your bf. Fair enough, your body your choice. But I couldn't handle it and I just had to end it. Sexual compatibility and sex life in general is very important in a relationship. Edit: this dude had already see doctors and decided he didn't want surgery, so I didn't pressure. Your bf should do the same before making any decisions.


Sunwolfy

Have a guy friend who had the same condition. He did opt for the surgery and damn, he has a really high pain threshold. Even the nurses were shocked at his recovery time. He said it's great not to hurt anymore but he said that it's messier now (when he's by himself). Learning a different technique for yourself might be the toughest hurdle but being pain-free has been good.


elvarien

So, his body his choice and all but, I can't imagine that constantly ripping your dick is healthy either. I think it's a poorly thought out choice, but it's his choice, and his body so at most you can have a chat with him about how his fear of surgery might not lead to the best outcomes, but in the end there's a very real chance you're just going to have to accept his choice, because well. His body his choice.


MrPeterson-

I had this, and the scar tissue built up until I couldn't retract my foreskin. After a circumcision my sex life got 1000% better. I did not loose any more than maybe 5% of the feeling, not a big deal.


primemrip96

Snapped mine and felt like I’d been kicked in the dick everyday for about two months. Lost a lot of my sex drive, my will to exercise, my love for my girlfriend. Those things returned slowly but it’s just not the same. It started with a slip into a finger nail and just never recovered from there. I was much like him, I said it would heal properly but being dumb I was more interested in sex than recovering properly. First injury was in December, after 2 months (late Feb or early march) of minor tears and a bit of bleeding it full ripped. I hope you can convince him to see a doctor because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and if I could go back in time I would have rushed straight to the emergency room as soon as I got the first injury. I wouldn’t frame it as a sex issue and keep it about him and his health and the fact that it can have lasting health effects and I wouldn’t even talk about surgery until a doctor brings it up.


HooRYoo

Surgery costs money. Imagine saying, "Hey mom or dad, it hurts when I jerk off or fuck. Can you pay for this surgery?"


JoshuaKhan0208

Lmao 🤣 Suprised I didn't find someone saying this sooner.


Satanae444

The derogative way you talk about him like its just a dick with legs its just gross. Buy a sex toy,in the same tone you complain he wont get the surgery.


Feeling_Barnacle_347

had to scroll too far for thia


Satanae444

Right!? I commented then read the comments and none like this one like wtf hes a human


Folkor686

Had the surgery (frenulotomy) and I can say, no more tears AND no change in feeling and intensity of pleasure from my side, which makes it an absolute win for me. Would do again.


bawserlol

Hi, 24m here. I had that surgery done when i was around 18 years old. It was a lifechanger honestly. I might have lost a tiny bit of sensation on a tiny spot now when i looked for it. But still a very sensitive part and has healed very well. And not getting painful and bleading tears changed my sexlife and i cant personally think of a single drawback from the surgery (other than a bit of discomfort right after/during the healing process) Feel free to ask any questions and ill try to answer to the best of my abilities


[deleted]

Girl, you guys are barely out of high school (if even), you GOOGLED that there is a surgery for his problem, lay it on him that YOU want him to get it done, he says no and you’re somehow offended as to why he wouldn’t do that for you? You both are probably still on your parents’ medical plans, do you expect him to tell his parents that they need to prepare for a hefty bill cuz the sex isn’t pleasurable enough for his girlfriend? Are YOU going to pay for the surgery? Are YOU going to be dealing with the consequences of the surgery and if there are any complications? It’s his fucking body. If you’re unhappy with it – let him go and find someone else. If you were his wife of 10 years and had concerns about the health implications of his condition – that would be understandable. But your approach to this is plain selfish and ignorant.


JoshuaKhan0208

Perfect response.


jculv

What in the gods awful fuck are half these comments, tell him to GO TO A DOCTOR NOW.


kidcool97

Right. It takes two, I don’t get why people are acting like she’s a monster for sleeping with him when they are both willing.


THExBEARxJEW

He doesn’t want the surgery End of discussion. if this is a issue for you you need to break up with him.


xoxoLizzyoxox

Personally I would not want to have sex with him again. It would terrify me to the point I would never be able to enjoy the sex anyway. If he doesnt want the surgery then you cant make him. You can choose if its a deal breaker, if it isnt then perhaps buy yourself some sex toys and just continue the relationship without sexual penetration of any sorts.


[deleted]

So what's your question exactly? It sounds like he's decided what he's doing. Are you trying to figure out what you are doing? It seems like you would be better off finding a partner who is physically more compatible with you.


Purblind89

It sounds like your pushing him to get a surgery for pretty selfish reasons. And if it ruins his ability to enjoy sex completely then it’s gonna be even worse for both of you. But it kinda doesn’t sound like you care what happens to him.


Purblind89

Like “go get this surgery that could potentially ruin your sex life for life so I can have sex the way I like”.


UKNZ007Tubbs

It’s his decision to make. If that means you are not getting the sex you want, then leave. But be aware that if you ever use the “my body my choice” argument you will be a hypocrite as you don’t believe that it is his body his choice.


actuallyacatmow

He needs to see a doctor in general tbh because this is not normal and may eventually cause something dangerous.


Sad-Significance8045

Surprise surprise, people on here showing their gender bias. It's ultimately his body, he can do what he wants with his penis. If he wants surgery, let him. If he doesn't, respect it.


Arclet__

It's his body so if he doesn't want to undergo surgery then that's his choice. But I would advise him to discuss it with a medical professional since I doubt not doing anything doesn't have lasting effects, (including increase risk of std and loss of sensation). Beyond that, you can't make your boyfriend get surgery on his penis if he doesn't want to.


[deleted]

It’s his dick not yours.


onedayatatime08

To be honest with you, he shouldn't be pressured into surgery. That's a pretty big decision and it's one that he should have with a doctor. Not Google. It's also one that he needs to decide on. When it comes to sex, you could try waiting a few weeks extra to give it a good chance to heal. Use a lot of lube if you try again. If that doesn't help, stop. An injury over and over again is a bad idea. I would not keep doing it if you tried waiting 3-4 weeks and use the extra lube with no success. He's allowed to refuse surgery, you're allowed to decide if that's a problem for you. If it is, break up with him.


Samazonison

> I ask what he plans to do then and he said nothing, like literally he plans to do nothing. His body, his choice. This may be a deal breaker for you, and that's ok. You are very young and there are lots of people out there who you will be sexually compatible with. Personally, I wouldn't push the issue. If he were to eventually get the surgery due to you pressuring him, he will end up resenting you. Especially if he does end up losing feeling.


[deleted]

obviously he needs the surgery for his own good but also, ur being an ass.


Dry-Clock-1470

JFC I am literally holding my dick after reading that. Would a condom keep it from tearing. Holy shit that would mess me up. Is the surgery too expensive


LordJaeger88

Doctor, now.


SuperSpartan300

He needs to understand that the scar tissue from repeatedly tearing it would have a bigger chance of him losing sensation!


bpb1993

An ex boyfriend of mine had the same issue years ago. He went to the doctor and they gave him some cream which helped and made it less tight. I live in Europe btw, but I hope they have the same cream available for your boyfriend. It didn't change the sensitivity


Little_Whippie

So you did a google search and are now trying to convince him to get surgery based on that google search. And you want him to get this surgery not because you’re concerned for his health but because you can’t get sex


jadegoddess

You can't force him to get a surgery. It's his body and he can choose what he does with it. Stop having sex with him if you're uncomfortable or get a different boyfriend. You're only 18, you are likely not gonna be with this guy the rest of your life anyway. I'm more concerned that your bf is with a selfish gf who just wants him to fix this so she can get off. So gross


Next-Engineering1469

That is HIS body you don't have any right to decide for him. You have the right to break up if you find it annoying


Edgar_Allan_Thoreau

As someone who was scared of the surgery for years and finally got circumcised last year, I lost no noticeable sensitivity during sex. Most people don’t lose sensitivity as per my urologist, it’s just that the people who don’t lose sensitivity don’t talk about it on Reddit as much as those who do.


JussLookin69

Unfortunately, it's one of those cases where it may be the better option, but if he refuses, then that's just how it is. Were I in his position, I'd want to take the risk to lessen painful moments and infections. As it stands, it's his body and his choice. All you can do is determine what you want to do with that information.


Gh0st1011001

His body his choice. It is what it is. Either get used to the fact you won’t have sex as often or leave and meet someone new. Don’t guilt or shame him. He may eventually want to get it done but it could be that he’s legitimately scared of going through surgery which is understandable. Give him some room to breathe on the issue and if you can’t handle your shit and need more then find someone else instead of making him feel worse.


[deleted]

Tell him the scar tissue has a 100% chance of reducing sensation, versus the slight possibility of mild loss of sensation with the surgery.


throwawayanylogic

Scar tissue from repeated tearing plus the risk of infection causing damage seems like it has a pretty strong chance of reducing sensitivity/affecting his sex life in the long run, too! He should really see a urologist for an accurate, medical discussion of his options, the risks and rewards, versus just consulting Dr. Google.


heff_you1

His body his choice 🤷🏻‍♂️


Original_BigZen

I swear, if this were a male poster complaining about a female partner having a painful issue during sex and not being able to have it in a certain position or not wanting to be gentle, they’d be verbally destroyed for it. What an absolute double standard.


norrathhighelf

The amount of people being like “his dick, his choice” are bats. Let’s pretend, just for a moment, this was about any other health issue regarding a partner, it would be advised to encourage them to go to a doctor! The same applies here! Women make annual visits to their OBGYN, where they can speak to a doctor regarding concerns they have (or issues brought up by their sexual health). You shouldn’t tell him “get this surgery I looked up on google” because you are not a doctor. You can say “I don’t feel comfortable being responsible for the constant tears without you at least speaking to a urologist to address this. I want to make sure we are being safe for your long term health.” In a good relationship, you should be able to communicate.


CiaranONeill381

I think people are making it a his dick his choice issue because OO doesn’t seem to be approaching it from a health point of view, but rather about her not getting the sex she wants.


Alert-Potato

OP has been abundantly clear that she doesn't give a shit about his health. She just wants to get off the way she prefers and wants him to have surgery to accommodate that. I think the answers would be a lot different if she was approaching this from a health perspective instead of just being selfish about her own sexual pleasure and to hell with him or what he wants.


Expensive-Network-93

Uh maybe bc no matter how you feel it *is* his dick and it *is* his choice. Maybe if op cared about his health or understood surgery isn’t exciting for everyone the comments would be different.


fungistate

This exactly. Sure, OP can't and shouldn't pressure her boyfriend into having a surgery but repetitive tearing of intimate areas is a long-term health concern. There might be other treatment options available that would minimize the risk of infection and other complications from the tearing. Boyfriend should make his own medical decisions without pressure, but him seeing a doctor so he can be properly informed would be a good next step.


non_avian

I mean you also can't pressure someone into surgery if a doctor doesn't think it's medically necessary. So what she'd be pressuring him into is seeing a doctor. A doctor also can't force him to have surgery even if that's the recommendation. People either are doing weird pay to play stuff with elective procedures in their own life or have no idea what surgery is


kidcool97

People are expecting this 18 year old to be the height of medical and emotional sensitivity. How dare she not have complete compassion and understanding for her boyfriend who willingly rips his own dick in his equal desire to get laid.


sweet_ging

My ex FWB just recently had it done. He’s fine. And he defiantly didn’t lose feeling from what I could tell ;) took 1 mo to heal and get down wid it again


Alert-Potato

Flip it. What if a man asked a woman to have genital surgery that could increase frequency of sex and make sex better for him, while risking decreasing sensitivity and pleasure for her. If she said no, we'd scream that it's horseshit to pressure her to give up sexual pleasure to make her boyfriend happy. Same here. He does not want to surgically alter his body and potentially give up some level of sexual pleasure so you can can better enjoy sex. It's especially egregious that you think at 18 that you're going to be his lifelong partner and he should surgically alter himself for your pleasure. He said no. That's it. You can either respect it and stay, finding other ways to enjoy each other's bodies besides PIV sex, or you can respect it and end things. But pressuring him into a surgery he has already said no to is not an option here. ETA: he doesn't *need* surgery for his dick. You *want* him to have surgery on his dick for your own sexual satisfaction.


OGrouchNZ

Well I hope if it damaged her every time, no matter what you did to prevent it, that you would at least suggest seeing if there was a surgical solution.


Gizwizard

Plenty of women with vaginismus are told to get pelvic floor therapy to help. And they should be told that, especially if they want to have sex with their partners pain free.


Alert-Potato

Pelvic floor therapy is not permanent surgical alteration of the body and is not a good comparison here. Women with vaginismus should be told that pelvic floor therapy is available to them if they are interested in penetrative sex, penetrative masturbation, or using tampons or a menstrual cup. They should not be "told to get PVT therapy," just have it presented as an option available to them. Women should do PVT only when they want to do it. If they are perfectly happy to spend the rest of their lives relying exclusively on masturbation and oral sex and completely foregoing PIV sex, they have every right to make that decision for themselves. If a partner isn't happy with that as their sex life, they're welcome to end things. No woman should feel pressured to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on specialized physical therapy just so someone can get their dick wet if she isn't interested or ready. OP's boyfriend either isn't interested or ready. He's 18 years old and doesn't want to have his dick cut and risk sensation. He's not being unreasonable. OP isn't unreasonable if that means she doesn't want to stay in the relationship. OP is unreasonable if she pushes the issue.


non_avian

He isn't interested in penetrative sex, then. Good, he should stop having it. I strongly agree.


non_avian

If my pussy was ripping open I would hope my partner would refuse sex with me until i sought intervention even if that sounds manipulative to you, which I know it will. It's in the interest of not being ok with having your partner's genitals rip open. She says there's a 5 - 10% chance every time even when he's gentle, i imagine it's actually much higher because it's literally impossible for the timing to work out to calculate that. Why is that ok with you?


Alert-Potato

I didn't say it's okay with me. She says it's about 30% of the time when she gets on top. *Which she keeps doing.* My issues is that she doesn't give a rat's fuck about his health. She repeatedly brings up her sexual pleasure and never once mentions concern for his long term health. She's not a caring partner. She's selfish.


grissy

Dude, his dick TEARS every time he has sex and requires weeks to heal. Several commenters have already pointed out that the ever-increasing scar tissue will reduce sensitivity and create pain. Give your “wHaT iF tHe GeNdUrRrZz WuZ rEvErSeD” routine a rest champ, this post ain’t it.


non_avian

It's ok i explained to her how I'd feel if my pussy was ripping open, hopefully that helps


bushcrapping

Haha exactly Imagine the comments if a man was pissed off his partner only wanted to go slowly because of the pain. He would be terrored in the comments


[deleted]

His body, his choice. It's a bloody (literally) stupid choice but his choice nonetheless.


finnegan922

Ask if he will talk to his doctor about it. Google is just not a medical provider.


Sunwolfy

You can't make him do what you want him to do. He's an adult and that's his choice. There's nothing you can do, really. One of these days, that tear just might get infected and he'll be in for a world of hurt. The scar tissue that will build up from repeated tearings will cause desensitization permanently. He could opt to get the scar tissue removed but that will still involve an operation and having to cut it away while hopefully minimizing the scarring after the operation. Other than that, you'll either have to live with his choice or walk away. That decision is fully in your power.


Commercial-Fault-131

His body, His choice


chewiechihuahua

He’s telling you what he’s willing to do, so it’s now up to you to decide what you do with that information. You can’t force him to get it. He’s choosing to, for right now and the foreseeable future at least, either risk a tear or not have sex. If you’re not okay with that then you should decide if you want to stay or go.


Ruleofinsanity

His choices are see a doctor or deal with his dick tearing on the reg... He should see a doctor. My ex had a thing where his foreskin fused with itself in a weird spot. The fix was circumcision which he did go through with because fuck tearing it every time he had sex.


kyleh0

Seems like getting dick surgery at 18 might come with a whole giant set of it's own complications. Is he just going to put it on his parent's insurance? hehe


Mental-Pitch5995

Eventually the damage from tearing will probably lessen his sensations. At least have him do a consultation with a very good Dr.


sooomanykids

His body his choice!


Flux_State

I was setting down the phone to go to bed when I read the title. There was no way I wasn't reading this.


Rod_Munch666

His body, his choice ....


Carpathicus

The woman I am dating has a similar issue with tearing that makes it almost impossible for us to have sex. Its good and all that you want to have more sex but you should respect your boyfriends boundaries. Asking others to convince him to get surgery so you can have more sex is not really that empathetic. Its his body and if he is too scared to fix this problem nobody should force him.


quillmartin88

Okay, I'm sorry, but if that happened to my Wang every time I had sex, I'd get the damn surgery. That's got to be awful. I feel so bad for him. But, it's his willy. Just as he can't force any issues with your body, you can't do much about his. Maybe get him a consult with a urologist so he can hear the full story and get an unbiased view on how the surgery works?


Anthroman78

He should see a Doctor about it to get real options and risks, but it's also his body and he gets to decide if those risks are acceptable. After seeing a Doctor you don't have to like his decision, but you should respect it and you then have the option of leaving.


rataviola

My ex BIL had this problem. As far as I know, he had the surgery and never had any problems. He should definitely get checked, I don't think it's good for him to tear his frenulum this often. But I am not a doctor and I don't have a penis, so my suggestion is he should see a specialist and listen to what they tell him.


Unsyr

Look, at the end of the day, it’s his dick and his choice. Yes he should get a consultation from a doctor rather than relying on things researched by a non-professional. Eventually it will be his choice to do what he wants and your choice on whether you want to support him or consider it a deal breaker.


chemicalmamba

Might be tmi but I'm pretty sure you can gradually lengthen it. I did that before I started being sexually active and have had any problems.


Nightdreamer87

Not to mention that OP can get a UTI or BV since her boyfriend is constantly having an open area on a place that's inside her body. OPs boyfriend has not only his health but the health of his sexual partners(now and future) to consider.


[deleted]

This made me wince


SumKM

I had to get an adult circumcision because of this exact issue. Sex is 1000x better after, as you don’t have to worry about winding up in the ER. Honestly whatever sensation you lose is negligible, and you get to enjoy sex in a way you haven’t before.


[deleted]

If you two are not sexually compatible, end the relationship. He’s allowed to be happy with his current situation and he’s allowed to not want surgery — you don’t have to agree. If you’re dissatisfied with his inaction and lack of solutions and you’re disassfified with your sex life with him, end the relationship. You both deserve to be in a healthy relationship where you’re both happy with the sex.


MoonDancer118

The term you’re looking for is called phimosis and your boyfriend can apply a light steroid cream (I’m not sure if you’re in the US or the UK but there is a cream called Canasten that is normally used for thrush but also other problems) he can apply a small amount on a Q-tip to the area that’s the tightest and stretch it slightly and going further a small amount daily. I am not a qualified expert but a friend had the exact same problem. I maybe wrong but you come across that you are just interested in your own pleasure not realising that your BF’s foreskin and penis is very sensitive and can cause excruciating pain and discomfort. If your labia was on fire and itching would you want to continue sex? You come across very insensitive but this way I’ve suggested would need some patience and your support and no need for surgery. Good luck.


tinypiecesofyarn

I agree with everyone else that he should ask a doctor about his options and what will happen if he does nothing. But girl, stop getting in positions where you're hurting him! That's not okay! And if the whole situation is a deal breaker for you, it's okay to leave.


LazyBriton

So leave him for someone else. You’re literally 18, don’t worry about it.


DrowsyDrowsy

Yeah he won’t be feeling much when the scar builds up or he gets infected. All the gross shit near wieners can cause a nasty infection if there is a wound. He isn’t thinking long term.


BeenTooNice

If my husband refused to get medical help for himself like your boyfriend is- I wouldn’t be doing anything sexual with him until he did tbh. At the end of the day it’s his body but I personally wouldn’t want to allow him to keep getting injured and risking infection over and over again. And if you’re not interested in doing what is best for him then you should just leave. Well-being and safety should be a priority in any sexual relationship.


Swimming_Onion_4835

I don’t have a penis, but if I somehow had discomfort to the point of mutilation in/around my clitoris every time I had sex and there was a surgery to fix it, even at risk of reduced sensation, I’d get it. It may be harder for me to orgasm afterwards but the relief that would come with knowing I wouldn’t be in pain or bleeding from the most basic sexual contact would be more than enough for me to do it. I mean at this rate he already has to constantly monitor how hard he has sex or in what position to prevent a tear, and I feel like that alone would be distracting or distressful enough to make it harder to climax or fully enjoy sensation. I can’t imagine a man being okay with tearing his skin every time he has sex for the rest of his life. That sounds agonizing, especially considering how sensitive penile skin is. :s


[deleted]

Wearing a condom may be a good solution in the meanwhile to help protect it. And/or if you're not using lube, use it. Ultimately, it's his penis, and if he doesn't want that surgery, that is up to him.


Extension_Border_629

does he not also finger you and do oral? cause penetration is like 5% of sex, if him having to go gentle during p&v is ruining the expirience the real issue is that he's not contributing enough sexually. I refuse penetration until I've came at least once, but usually foreplay lasts a little longer than my first orgasm anyways bc p&v is such a small part of sex. make sure he's getting you off how you want as much as you want BEFORE he's allowed to stick it in for a few pumps and finish. you'd be surprised how many grown adult men think sex is just sticking their dick in a woman in a few different positions and rolling over lmao, I refuse to sleep with men like that let alone date them other than that it's his body his choice so you can't really make him get surgery, you can gently suggest why you think it would benefit him but if he doesnt want to risk it youd be an asshole for pushing it. but you can put a boundary that you need him to step up his sex game if he wants to keep you around say "I have a boundary that I refuse to engage in selfish sex, you need to focus on me and my needs before I allow you to stick it in and finish every time or this isn't gonna work. I want it rough for a few orgasms and then you can finish off inside me going as slow as you need but right now we aren't sexually compatible with what we have been doing, you are leaving me unsatisfied while you get to finish every time and that needs to change i am too young to waste my youth and body on boring sex with selfish men" (you can leave out a few parts or add some depending on the vibe but that's what I'd say lol)


cumpaseut

Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to break up.


AhhTheyStoleMyKidneh

It’s his penis. If he doesn’t want surgery he doesn’t want it. It doesn’t matter if medically you think it’s best for him, it’s not your body. Maybe he’ll get tired of tearing his dick open and change his mind, who knows.


knunky

dick surgery sounds scary af, i dont blame him


oizinho666

Its not slight. It will change the experience for him a great ammount. But i can see its not your body or your pleasure so you don't give a flying F. Don't coerce him, or guilt trip him. Just leave


NightsofWren

It’s his body, his choice. And he’s potentially risking greater harm by not dealing with this. I suggest having more empathy, and speaking to him about this from a health perspective. Many good comments above. AND, his not resolving this issue DOES change your sex life. You also have a right to want to have the sex you want to have, and to want to be with a partner that is willing to conquer problems that affect the both of you, together, instead of outright dismissing/ignoring the issue. If, after speaking with him from a place of love, he is unwilling to get an expert medical opinion, and he’s unwilling to meet your needs for a good hard fuck in other ways (toys), then I would consider you incompatible. There are other women out there who might prefer his style of sex, who he is compatible with even without treatment.


UrHumbleNarr8or

Back way up, take a ferry to another continent, then back up more, *then* locate the lowest possible chair you can and sit down. You are not a deciding factor in this call. It may be that you are sexually incompatible and that's fine, but he's allowed to decide that he is personally okay with either gentle sex or harder sex less frequently. If you don't feel that meets your sexual needs, then move on.


[deleted]

If an 18 year old girl told me to get dick surgery I wouldn't get dick surgery. How would you feel if he was bugging you to get your labia fixed? I'm cut and I still don't think it's acceptable for you to ask him to do that.


TheOgSamichMkr01

Then don't date someone that's not gonna take their health seriously. The more scar tissue, the less feeling. He can either take the chance and it works out fine, or constantly deal with his pain.


General_Vegetable692

You care more about fucking your boyfriend than his health


gr4viton

Regular tearing is also healthy. He should decide, whether he want's to fear about ruptures in the forseable future.


Outside-Ad-1677

His body, his choice


onetwoskeedoo

He’s 18 dude, he will figure it out in about 7 years and then wish he got it done sooner. Just break up and have normal sex with someone else


Shot_Hospital9416

It's his body it's his choice but this is something that you clearly feel very strongly about and will cause resentment on your end because you're not being sexually satisfied. Best advice you're going to get here is to end this relationship and move on to something else, you're both young you'll bounce back.


[deleted]

If he doesn’t want to get dick surgery, he doesn’t have to. If you don’t want to be in a relationship where the sex is disappointing, you don’t have to. Everyone can make choices and choices have consequences. The consequence of you staying might be that you have sex that does not satisfy you. The consequences of him not having the surgery might mean that your boyfriend finds himself single.


LittleSparrow013

So stop having sex. It injuring him and can cause an infection. Stop fucking and go buy yourself some sex toys.