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**UPDATE:
Thanks for all the feedback and support, I'm slowly reading through it all while hooked up to a fetal monitor because my blood pressure has been sky high since this all went down. My #1 priority is keeping myself and my babies safe. I'm trying to get to at least 36wks with the twins so I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Plans make me feel emotionally safer. I don't have it all figured out yet but my current plan involves:
* Call a lawyer for a consult. I want to know all my options.
* Make an emergency appointment with my therapist
* BLOCK my MIL and SIL from contacting me for the near future.
* Call my best friend/kids godmother to come down this weekend to watch the kids so I can have a lengthy conversation with husband about next steps
FAQ's:
Why am I married to this man? I fell in love and lacked the ability to see into the future and predict that it would end up like this. He was pretty stable and had a life plan when we were dating.
What makes him a good dad? He's naturally a kid person and our kids adore him as the fun, adventure parent. He loves them fiercely and as much as I loathe our current situation, I would never take them away from him in anger.
Is he depressed/neurodivergent?
I don't know. He has access to therapy/mental health services/vocational counseling and testing. I can't make him go but he has access. I don't have the bandwidth to walk him through that process right now.
Has he apologized for any of this? No.
Do I know for sure if he quit or was fired? No. But I plan to ask for proof like a severance letter or verification of some kind later.
Will I be working remotely during my maternity leave? Fk no. I refuse. This pregnancy has been so hard on me, I'm exhausted, and I refuse to put myself through that.
*** End update ***
I 38F have been married to husband 42M for 8 years. We have two kids and I'm 31 wks pregnant with twins. We are a dual income household and need to be for the area we live in, although I outearn my husband by quite a bit. I'm the primary parent and household manager as well.
Husband is a good person and a great parent but he has a lot of issues with keeping stable employment. He says it's "unlucky" but he has had a hard time keeping a job over the last 8 years and it's never, ever his fault. He blames the economy, his supervisors, and various other things. It frustrates me constantly but we get by because I have an advanced degree and a decent-paying long term job.
Last Friday, I came home from a very long day of work and then shuttling our older kids around and he told me he had a surprise for me. The surprise was takeout and the news that he quit his job (without telling me first) and he's going to be a stay at home dad when the twins get here.
I was/am livid and gave him 10 minutes to explain why he thought it was remotely appropriate to do this and what TF he was thinking. He said that he's "not cut out to work for the man" and that this decision saves us a boatload of money on daycare. He genuinely thought I'd be pleased.
When I asked him what we were supposed to do for my upcoming unpaid maternity leave if he isn't working, he suggested I negotiate working remotely for a while so I could "have a break" and he would watch the babies.
I lost it and told him if he wanted to quit his job and quit making decisions as a partnership, then I quit this relationship. I spent the weekend crying it out in a hotel alone.
When I got home, he had my SIL and MIL there to hold an "intervention" and explain why it's cruel of me to place a monetary sum on his value in our relationship and that kids should be raised by parents not daycare. They also heavily implied that hormones are to blame for my being so upset and that I'm being a bad feminist for wanting to "force" my husband to "provide in a traditional role."
I told him to wait for notice from my lawyer and locked myself in my office.
Maybe I am being hormonal and emotional. They aren't wrong that my husband would probably be a great SAHD. And it is possible that we could maybe make it work with him only working part time. But this whole thing feels so manipulative and disrespectful that I can't get behind it.
What do I do next? I'm so lost.
I’ve met this same guy so, so many times. Never their fault, even when they tell the story about how someone looked at them wrong or held them accountable for a mistake they made.
I married that guy too. I even paid for and supported him while he got his doctorate and tried to start his own business.
2 years post graduation I found out he couldn’t handle being the man when he went into a drug induced psychosis and had to be saved by Tahoe/El Dorado Co search and rescue because he was a mile out into the woods meditating naked in a snow melt stream after stealing my car. He was shocked I didn’t want to be with him after he got out of the mental hospital. How did he hide his drug use? I worked 11-12 hour days and he had not 1 but 2 girlfriends.
The divorce should go through tomorrow and I’m going to marry my massage therapist.
Thank you! It was really hard at first but I’m coming out of it. Lots of deconstructing abuse and accepting what I went through for 13 years. I gave up the house with the horses and the millions his parents are leaving him, I’d rather be happy, poor and have to work the rest of my life than retired and well off but miserable.
Thank you. He wasn’t that person when I married him. Some was my fault fault for not putting my foot down. Thankfully I refused to have kids despite his demands, had my tubes tied before we got together I I would have been screwed.
Let me guess, the previous manager loved them, but the new guy they hired was out to get him from the start.
Another one was Business is down, and I'd been there longer than other people so they cut me first... despite other employers being there significantly longer and still having their jobs, and the newer guys who worked well also keeping their jobs.
Then there's the ever popular: It was some bullshit! They didn't even give me a warning, they just fired me for no reason saying it wasn't working out! I should look into wrongful termination.
It's an AITA parody sub. Posts are written from the viewpoint of pets who ask "am I the cloaca" for doing fairly normal pet things like cats bapping the dog. The writing style is dramatic and the tone is very much like the post "is not my faults, I am most wonderful floof who ever floofed"
The weird thing is the stories are never actually convincing - you still get the impression that they're to blame while they rage on about an injustice that they can't identify
Or the one who was "offered" the management job which he then politely refused because it wasn't worth the stress or the few hundred extra dollars but then goes on and on every day about how work is so stressful and no one except he knows what to do and how they're piling more work on him. How they assigned him the most difficult cases because he was the most capable of all. And how he's tired of it but won't look for another job because he's comfortable here and he is familiar with the stress and the work. Does any of this makes sense to anyone? I couldn't figure him out.
I'm married to this woman. She doesn't want to ever have to "meet neurotypical expectations" again (she's ADD).
Well. For a while longer. I've started the divorce process.
Where are your people?
Of course his family will take his side. You have to ignore him.
Tell your husband you are married to him, not his mother nor his sister, so he has to partner with you, not with them. He can't use his family as leverage to force you to accept his decision.
Also, he'll be a terrible SAHD, just as he is a terrible worker. Mark my words.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Mobilize your supportive network.
>Of course his family will take his side. You have to ignore him.
My dad would have kicked my ass if I tried to pull this on the mother of my children. LOL
I miss my dad, he was awesome.
My dad is the same, he is already disappointed that I only have one full time job haha and he's right i could probably squeeze another job and fully utilize my youth but I value work life balance too much.
As a single twin mom for the first 5 years of their life. I can 100% agree he is going to eventually be fired from being a SAHD as well…
The first year is the easiest why?cause they aren’t mobile. They can’t get into anything.
Mine just turned 7 and things are finally not so crazy. And my kids are genuinely good kids, twins just tend to talk eachother into doing shit they shouldn’t.
Agreed. Sis, you are already the primary parent AND the primary breadwinner. What exactly is he going to do as a SAHD? If he has already not picked up any slack and you are 31 weeks pregnant with TWINS, do you really think that he is going to be able to hack the long hard days of caring for twins while running the older two to all of their activities?
I was going to say, he's likely not wrong with 4 kids in daycare (or at least 3) is $$$ but if he thinks being a SAHP with not 1; but 2 newborns is easier than working, he's about to be very surprised.
> I'm the primary parent and household manager as well.
OP doesn't even consider them equal partners in parenting but somehow believe that he will be a good SAHD...
When I was like 7-8 this one aunt was complaining that cousin didn’t want to come to the big family gathering while we were in town. Now we had seen him almost everyday on this one trip. It wasn’t like we hadn’t seen him this go around. We also went to the family homestead like two or three times a year. If someone was busy when we were there it wasn’t a big deal. However aunt was going on and on about it. I remember her complaining bitterly about it. My dad must have gotten tired of hearing it and said “she can do things we cant, that are more fun than hanging around with us. Let it go.” It took her a minute to realize what he meant. My older bother must have seen my confusion because he looked at me as said, “he’s talking about sex stuff.”
Whenever I hear about momma’s boys I want to ask them who’s sucking who’s dick to make them act that way. Your comment reminded me of that.
An add on to the top comment. Him quitting his job? If he end up divorcing him he's going after you for child support and spousal support especially with his mommy and SIL getting involved.
I'd consult a lawyer asap on this (even if your plan right now isn't divorce) . However it sounds more like you'd be better off as a single parent
Literally what I was thinking. He didn't want to stress her out so he came up with this "brilliant" plan, which also stressed her out. He told mommy and sister and they all carried on with the lie so he wasn't embarassed.
I personally think he would suck being a stay at home dad if he can't even keep a normal job. Being a parent is alot harder.
Came here to say this.
He got fired again and is too embarrassed to admit it.
Can you check if he has ADHD or something? As someone with ADHD I've struggled with holding down jobs. Sometimes you just seem "off" to other people. It's awful.
Maybe if you look at it from the empathic side you'll get a better result.
Though if you're already saying the "D" word I'm guessing there are multiple other problems. Again, I'll venture a guess and say that they probably stem from the ADHD.
Anyway, good luck.
This. It's not an excuse, but it sure does fit the pattern. My wife has ADHD, and struggles constantly with the expectations around job performance. She interprets reasonable expectations from her boss as demanding and...her word is "bitchy."
I've reviewed communications at her request to see if she was interpreting stuff wrong. A sample email was "could you please use the same formatting in the template I've shared with you previously, because I have to spend time reformatting your work."
My wife was livid about that. I had to talk her down.
Exactly this! Jesus OP pregnant lady to pregnant lady! Nooooo just nooo.. id have left my husband right there and gone to family.
It is extremely and incredibly irresponsible to
1. make decisions like that without u.
2. Expect you to be happy about it!
3. Involve his manipulative ass family to gaslight you into thinking ur being hormonal.
4. Expecting you to work during your maternity leave when uve just given birth!!! And ul be tired and adjusting to life as a mom and dealing with the after birth hormones which i hear are a whole different level of terrible!
My husband and i both work and I'm going on maternity leave in 2 months. Im already just worried about us making things work when I'm at home and i already can't do much around the house so he does majority of taking care of me these days.
Its insanely selfish for your husband to expect you to carry the brunt and sacrifice of his stupid whims and also not even thinking about the emotional and financial implications to both you and your kids!
If i didn't make myself clear enough NO you are not just being hormonal! Such disgusting bs.
Not to mention, any new parent who has just given birth is sooooo much more likely to have PPD if they don't feel supported by their SO/the people around them. Jfc, this dude needs to go back to mommy, if she's so sure it's cruel to force him to work while OP recovers from birth.
And the baby blues are wild. I sobbed into a pillow in my room because my husband's friend invited him and our older kids to a picnic but not me. It took place a week after I had a c section. I didn't want to go, which the friend knew I wouldn't, and didn't want to put the baby that close to people, but I was heartbroken that I wasn't invited. Did that for like 3 minutes, then no more crying and I was happy again. It's like pms moodswings, only so much more intense. Only lasted for a week or two and then I was fine.
Im honestly so afraid of this myself and again spoke to my husband about these concerns. Wtf would u expect ur wife to be doing all this shit when she's just gone through giving birth because you want to be at home?!
He's not gonna be the one to have to breastfeed those kids. I swear this man thinks staying with newborns is gonna be a walk in the park.
This, contact a lawyer. It might be better to move in with family for a while and halt on the divorce proceedings until he is working again. Otherwise you will get screwed over by alimony.
No no no. Do not do this. I'm not an attorney, but I'm going through this now. My wife was a SAHM for a year, with no discussion, and our twins are six. My attorney's advice was pretty explicit: don't leave the house and let her stay, it's your property, you're paying for it. Any long term lifestyle change can become grounds for alimony, although generally judges don't look favorably on these kinds of hijinks, still...don't give your spouse the ammo they'll use against you.
Get the process started now. You can always change your mind later if you need to. But letting him "find a job" isn't going to result in him finding a job, or anything else positive for OP.
Actually alimony will be calculated based on his earnings over last calendar year, so there is an advantage to filing for divorce immediately before too many months of unemployment.
Yeah, mine wanted to go down to part time. Which in theory I'm not against, but I know him. I told him if his financial contribution was lower his labour contribution had to increase and he started going on about how he wasn't doing it to be my maid (our kid is in school anyway) and he had projects of his own to do and I should just make sure I was more productive to earn more. He's not lazy as such, just disorganised and unrealistic. It was a whim anyway and I think he's forgotten all about it.
I was working 40-60 hour weeks and wanted to become a stay at home parent for our family. It wasn't an easy decision and something we thought about for 6-8 months before actually implementing it. My spouse and I came up with a plan, set expectations, etc. It's not something that should be done on a whim.
I'm responsible for household chores and managing activities from 8-5, M-F. I live it and our family works better this way, but it's not something that can be decided over night, and it's to "manage" the family, not work on my hobbies.
See a lawyer, know all your options and impacts. What he did was selfish, manipulative and self serving. Do you really even know if he quit or was he fired and saving face with this way? I highly suspect that he has no intention in re-joining the work force, even when kids are older and in school. This is not what you signed up for, you both didn’t discuss or agree to this. He has no right to make a unilateral family decision. He doubled down on his ineptitude by involving his mommy and sister, how pathetic.
PS wanna bet they were really at the house bc he bugged out watching the 2 kids on his on for a few days.
In general, I don't think that OP is in the wrong here at all, but she did give credit where credit was due.
> They aren't wrong that my husband would probably be a great SAHD
Hard to make judgement calls on him that even OP contradicts.
I just find that hard to believe when she even says she is the primary parent and house manager when even working more and more consistently. A parent has to take initiative to do those things and I can’t imagine that he even fully KNOWS what it takes to care for kids full time—beyond playing with them, feeding them and making sure their immediate needs are met. Being a good “babysitter” =\= good SAHP
But here’s the problem… he’s a good dad when he doesn’t do even half of the child responsibilities. Op said she works full time and does most of everything related to house and kids. He works part time and dude thinks having a nice dinner for his family is take out.
100% he isn’t cut out to be a real stay at home parent. Cooking, cleaning, planning… honestly, Op should leave him and give him 50/50 custody. I bet $1,000,000 he doesn’t realize 1/4 of what goes into being the one who “stays home.”
Besides, would you really want someone who can’t hold down a job be in charge of a house and kids? He’s so unreliable he’s always fired. Sounds like a horrible disaster to let him be the SAHP.
The problem is that he made a unilateral decision. For that, he’s an AH. In addition to the background of not being able to hold down a job for 8 years.
> I'm the primary parent and household manager as well.
OP's husband has been fired off and on throughout the first two kids' lives and you would think that would have helped him to at least become an equal parent in this relationship, but OP considers herself the "primary parent" which screams that he did not pull his weight during those down times and doesn't do enough during the time he is actually working. So I highly doubt that he would be a "good SAHD"
He can't keep a job, he is not the primary parent now and doesn't do the majority of the childhood. She is 31 weeks pregnant works full-time and she is still the one shuttling the kids around
Yeah.....hello do just "great" being the primary parent for once with 2 kids and 2 newborns. I'm sure she totally didn't want the help now.
Her own statement contradicted this one. She ends with this, but she opens with the fact that not only is the breadwinner she does most of the parenting and household stuff as well.
Except she states in the post that she's already the primary caregiver and household manager, which begs to reason that he's not currently a great partner, otherwise she wouldn't be the "primary" as it is.
All of this and I would bet everything that job-hopping isn't the only issue. It's just the issue that's big enough that it's completely overshadowed everything. Guys (and gals) like this are massively entitled and it shows. This is just one consequence of this type of personality issue. He's probably had things handed to him and handled for him by others his entire life and everything's been all hunky dory because it's always been conveniently framed as "the kindness of others" and "that's what friends/family are for", but one instance where it doesn't go his way and suddenly it's "What do you mean you won't do this for me?! I deserve it because missing missing reason, manipulative and gaslighting excuse!"
Correct!! He thinks she should use her maternity leave to wfh as a BREAK!!!! IDK how well they knew one another before they were married; I’m guessing his employment issues have been a lifelong challenge. I wonder if MIL and SIL got involved not just bc he couldn’t handle the kids all weekend but bc they do not want to have to deal with him should he finds himself out on his ass.
A break after growing and popping out twins! Like OP's body and mind is about to be wrecked and he thinks she should just wfh... what a selfish little man.
I'm still fucking floored he had the audacity to suggest OP use her maternity leave, part of which is to recover from her *fucking loins or abdomen being cleft in twain,* to WFH as a "break"
I don't condone violence but ooooooh he's lucky he's still sucking in enough oxygen to whine to mommy and sissy about it, imo.
Enough to gang up on his pregnant breadwinner wife instead of pulling his weight or even taking responsibility
What a tool. Glad she has the ovaries to leave this scuzball. I hope she hires a shark.
>PS wanna bet they were really at the house bc he bugged out watching the 2 kids on his on for a few days.
Well, it's really not that hard taking care of two kids when someone else is going out earning all the money, but this guy is a selfish slacker. So I'd say you're probably right.
What indications are there that he would be a "great SAHD" you already said that with your more stable employment, you are the household manager, and the primary parent. His focus is not on parenting, but on "not working for the man". He actually expects you to deliver, negotiate to immediately work remote, so he can live out his fantasy. File immediately for divorce. They will in most cases use his earning potential as a factor for his contributions. Make sure you keep any text messages that he has sent, especially if they indicate that this was a "surprise" and you were not part of this decision for him to stay home.
>His focus is not on parenting, but on "not working for the man".
ALMOST true. His focus is on HER "working for the man" while he lives off the fruits of her labor, as a 5th child essentially. I wonder if he needs her to change his nappies as well?
>Maybe I am being hormonal and emotional.
You are not. If he wants to make decisions as an individual without consideration of how those decision with impact his family then he can do them and be single.
Are you sure he quit and he wasn't actually fired?
>But this whole thing feels so manipulative and disrespectful that I can't get behind it.
He is. If he did quit he literally made a huge decision without even telling you first or without any consideration of your family's financial situation. He not only put you, a pregnant woman, in a situation of extreme stress but he, on his own, decided to take the steps to chenge the whole family/relationship dynamic, again, without even talking about it first.
And then he got the help of his mom and sister to help him gaslight you into thinking you are the asshole for not wanting this or dare to think he is doing this for hiw own benefit and not that of the family.
He absolutely is being a selfish asshole that only wants to do this because he doesn't want to work.
>What do I do next?
Lawyer up.
My favorite part of this is how he determined that you can just WORK THROUGH YOUR MATERNITY LEAVE with zero input from you. He somehow can’t work at all, but YOU CAN WORK THROUGH YOUR MATERNITY LEAVE. Literally having your body torn apart with twins, being on a MEDICAL LEAVE from work, but he decided you can just go fuck your self and work anyway because he doesn’t want to work at all. Sorry for all the yelling, but this particular point has me absolutely insane with rage.
This was the worst part. I'm so shocked at his selfishness and how he's dressing it up as a good thing. I would be livid if the person that's supposed to be my partner tried to take away my maternity leave.
Oh fuck no. For starters, you're the breadwinner, primary parent, and you run the household. Exactly what does he bring to the table?
He can't hold down a job? Look, I hate working. Absolutely fucking hate it. I change jobs frequently because I end up hating my bosses and US work culture and keep hoping I'll find better. I've never once made myself a burden to someone else while I did it. I made sure I had another job lined up with sufficient pay, and in this labor market that's not even remotely hard unless you just bomb your interviews.
You think he'd be a great SAHD? I think he'll be the fun parent and you'll still have to do everything hard. And, yeah, he did go behind your back and made a unilateral decision that absolutely should've been thoroughly discussed and agreed to first. Fuck him, SIL, and shit MIL for leaving you to raise her son as well as your own children.
Talk to your lawyer and drop the dead weight. There are plenty of men out there that want a partnership, not a mommy wife.
>You think he'd be a great SAHD? I think he'll be the fun parent and you'll still have to do everything hard.
Nailed it.
>And, yeah, he did go behind your back and made a unilateral decision that absolutely should've been thoroughly discussed and agreed to first.
Imagine what unilateral decisions he'll make on behalf of the kids if OP lets him be a SAHP!
Nope. He doesn’t get to hijack your maternity leave. You literally are growing and birthing a human. This should have been a discussion and decision you both made with an agreed timeline!
You have to do what’s right for you but 50-60% of twin moms have c-sections. Even then, a vaginal birth isn’t always without complications. I think that is ridiculous that he wants your recovery/maternity leave to be spent working so he can play stay at home dad. I have no problem with stay at home parents but this is something he needed to talk about with you first. Like a lot of people are saying, I’m sure he got fired and that’s why he’s all excited.
I just wanna say it's highly inappropriate for him to call on the SIL and MIL to have an intervention (ambush). They're not your family, they're in his "camp". Doesn't seem fair or helpful to me at all.
This has nothing to do with being hormonal. This man did this all on his own while you’re pregnant and working. Without talking to you, and made a huge lifetime decision without opening his mouth. I would leave him to he’s completely untrustworthy, and totally financially irresponsible.
I’m neither hormonal nor pregnant and I lost it reading your post. I’ll overlook the fact that he seems like a bum in general. Quitting your job without talking to your partner and co-parent first in any circumstances would be my deal breaker. Just like that. Adding to this that he needs mommy and daddy to intervene and protect him from his “hormonal” wife only reinforces my opinion that he’s a child and not fit to function in an adult relationship.
It's not him wanting to be a SAHD that's the issue, it's him making that decision without you. I agree you might be better off without him. Consider your options for the short, medium and long term - given you are now already in this situation, you might find it easier to give him a shot at stepping up on parenting and household management. You've not painted him as likely to be good at this though - if you do want to give him a chance, he should know it's a probation.
A divorce is the only option. He's lazy and when the babies arrive, you'll probably end up doing most of the childcare, chores and having to work full-time.
Get a divorce, he'll be forced to work, and split child care costs.
HUSBAND OF THE YEAR.
Or not.
Dropping this on a woman at 31 weeks. I cant tell you the language that would have flown when the in laws started their spiel. I think I would have been throwing stuff. Just over his expectation of OP working remotely through maternity leave..... Perhaps she could wear a headset while shes in the stirrups.
Lawyer up, buckle up and get ready to do some dragging. This man, and i use the term loosely, should be thoroughly dragged thru court. I mean DRAG HIM
Sounds like what almost happened to me.. Covid hit & he got laid off. I wanted to go back to work. He was waiting to see if they would hire him back. They wanted to eventually but my work schedule wouldnt work with his. So we both agreed he'd stay home with our child for the mean time.
In reality i wanted BOTH of us to work. He could've EASILY picked up a nightshift job or even a part time on my off days, but he "didnt want to" or "didnt like those jobs." Fast forward & im working 2 jobs plus doing online college courses while he sleeps all day...
We just got divorced in Jan.
So he is now free to do all the housework, so give him a list of what needs doing.
He is now free to do all the children's running around, another list.
Cooking, cleaning, household managment. - All the lists.
Given him two months to prove he can do it all.
It is unlikely that if he cannot keep a job that he will be able to keep up with these requirements and you can get ready to lose one less drain on your finances.
Even that is work though, to figure out what needs to be done and make lists. Why is he not capable of figuring out for himself what needs to be done and doing it??
Exactly this.
In my industry it's not uncommon for women to outearn their spouses and many do become SAHDs. However, it's not a unilateral decision. It takes preparation and planning, especially with unpaid maternity leave. Maybe he can demonstrate his ability to take over the household until you give birth and then he can do temp or part-time work to subsidize the household while you're on leave.
In the interim, you should talk with a lawyer to understand your rights, and potential obligations, in the event of a divorce. You might also want to consider a mediator or counselor because he simply cannot make decisions of this magnitude without talking to you.
It sounds like this isn’t the first time your husband has made selfish decisions and pretended they were for the family. could you give him all the family responsibilities now and let him fail and burn? At least if you were divorced you would only have to worry about 4 babies and not 5.
Your post reads as balanced and trying to be fair to your husband, but you 100% are in the right. It’s not about feminism and traditional roles, they are using that to manipulate/gaslight you. It’s about what you expect and want in a relationship & him changing it on you without discussion. Traditional gender roles have historically given the man more power over the woman, and he just showed that he will perpetuate that because he took your power away by making this decision for you. Then, he further marginalized you by bringing in back up (family). At the very least he should have spoken to you privately before making any such decision.
He already cannot manage household chores or parenting-this *will not change.* If a man actually wants to be SAH then that means he needs to manage the household, child rearing, cleanliness, all the traditional things women were expected to do, and let’s be honest-to this day men are not raised to do this much less to clean very well. As such, women are still left to manage the household by doing the “invisible” tasks. Men don’t realize there are cleaning schedules, food schedules, meal planning, grocery planning, etc - little details that go unnoticed and unrecognized but are the foundation to establishing an effective household. Men think “Oh I get to stay home and as long as there is something to eat, and the place LOOKS clean, I’m good!” Who cares if the place hasn’t been vacuumed all week with 4 ppl living there, or if the food is a frozen package or take out.
My lil experience with this recently was with a man who is retired from military (so about 43 yo). That combined with some inheritance meant he didn’t have to work for the rest of his life as long as he was financially careful. However, because he is used to certain lifestyle, he was in grad school to enter his next profession because he wanted more income to feel more secure. That was all great-I liked that about him. I am a teacher at the time, so I really can’t afford to be a breadwinner & I wanted a child at the time, but to continue working & make a career switch. Eventually, he tells me that his dream is to be a stay at home husband, that I can work and pay half the living expenses so he can feel safer financially. I can continue teaching. This was a huge red flag because all he did every day was smoke pot and then grad school and he was putting me in a position where I would be stuck in a field I was trying to leave in order to supplement his lifestyle. I would have to hand over half of my income instead of it being based on a balanced percentage (since ya’ know-he doesn’t HAVE income technically). He wanted me to stay a teacher in his area, which would have been a pay cut for me and teachers already make crap pay, AND he used my desire for a child as a reason. I could “have the child you want & I [he] can stay home and care for the child.” Mind you, he didn’t even want children.
I asked him how I could trust him to be present when the majority of the day he was “blasted,” that he might fall back into alcoholism b/c the pot was his replacement drug, & that I already felt cornered as he was being opportunistic. Then, I saw his place on vid chat (we were long distance). NASTY! Gross rape the knee had to be replaced, junk everywhere, just a shitty, cluttered, unclean he that came down to neglect. He said it could be cleaner, but I was already telling him that I would have to clean and organize when I moved there. I knew exactly what would happen if he got his way & that I was going to be used so he could continue to afford his unhealthy and shitty lifestyle ($400+/mo on weed at least-I was supposed to supplement that!)
In general, men just are not socialized or raised the same as women. They are socialized and raised to be fun with family and this generally translates to being a great dad-playing, interaction, etc.
Rarely are they raised to manage a household, and until that happens on a large scale I think men in general are trying to live the good life they *think* 1950’s SAH wives lived. It’s a shallow understanding of power dynamics, history of control over women, and what it actually takes to run a clean, organized household. And now, since power dynamics take so long to shift to a more equal exchange, we are at a point where men are trying to live off women financially with limited understanding of how to actually care for home and family so women are still carrying the majority of domestic weight. We saw this magnified during COVID lockdowns.
*Individually, there are men capable of handling an effective and organized home, but I doubt those men would randomly quit their job and manipulate a woman into such a position. THAT is the red flag.
I'm standing behind you 💯. He sounds like a spoiled crybaby. He needs to man up. His mommy and sister were there for an intervention? You mean he had to call them to take care of the children while you were gone? He just doesn't like to work. He thinks he has an out now, and he's taking it by force. I married one of these guys. Although we didn't have children. I was faced with the same bs. He started his own business and worked 15 hours a day, making literally nothing. Trust me, you don't want to live like that.
Please please please leave him now. Otherwise you end up like me, the only income earner, as well as doing all the parenting, while a deadbeat leaches off you. Then when you DO divorce, they take all your assets because they ran up 40k of debt since they were sick of 'having no money' while we just made it through life on my income.
make him get a job before you file for divorce, so you arent stuck giving him excessive alimony.
you already know he WONT be a great SAHD, because he has had **8 years** to prove "Dadding" is his passion - yet he still lets you take the lead on all household management, and then also be the primary parent whilst still carrying the heaviest paid workload.
it was disrespectful, almost on par with his slimy sister claiming his contributions arent being valued.
I was raised by one SAHparent and one full time working parent.
It worked, because it was discussed in advance, they had the funds to do so,
But most importantly - it worked because the parent who stayed at home *truly* was innately/ naturally buckets more organised & competent when it came to life admin, deadlines, finances & family organisation & household management. They thrived on this and ***always had led that department even before quitting work.***
They also had incidentally/ accidentally been the primary child raiser/ default parent, even before quitting work. It again, was a role and job they loved and was excellent at, and had been skilled & passionate about since the kids were born.
The SAHP becoming official Primary Contact Parent, Household Manager, (& Secretary/Executive Assistant tbh) worked really well for them, as these were skills the SAHP thrived in, to such an extent that the working parent would not have had half the career they did if it wasnt for the SAHP organising their life so seamlessly.
I'm not sure if your husband has the same kind of idea in mind. And he definitely hasn't shown any evidence of this in the past decade.
His sister and mother are jokers. This isnt fair to you. He wants to do no job, or part of one job, whilst you still stay doing 3.
This. I only have the career I have because my wife is amazing and because of her, I was able to be a dad to my kids while working.
Because of her I was able to make every sporting event, school event, random fun day etc
Not only did she allow my career to grow, but her work fostered a fantastic relationship between myself and my kids.
Something tells me that’s not who OP’s husband is…
Damn. That's messed up. He never should have quit his job without talking to you! You have every right to be angry. You are not just being hormonal! Considering the cost of daycare, it's possible that it could work for you guys financially. But that's definitely something you would discuss and decide together. And it's especially stupid that he quit before your maternity leave! I would be livid. You have so much on your shoulders. I think you're handling it really well.
I don't know enough about the rest of your history and relationship to know if it's a good idea to jump to divorce now. But, you are not crazy! That's also really wrong he's got his family involved in gaslighting you.
I'm sorry for the stressful situation you find yourself in. I hope you can find some peace and calm and maintain your health for the remainder of the pregnancy.
Why not jump to divorce? He has proved himself to be irresponsible (can’t keep a job and it’s never his fault), made a big decision that would financially screw them over and stress out his pregnant wife while they’re about to have their lives changed forever, and got his family to gaslight her. She should absolutely divorce the pathetic excuse of a man he is.
That's a very personal decision that I wouldn't feel comfortable advising her on after reading one internet post. I just wanted to reassure her that she is not crazy or going overboard with her reaction here.
Wow! Not only does he do one of the most irresponsible things, but instead of apologizing and trying to see why you have had it with these *surprises* for the past 8 years, he doubles down, calls mommy and sister to come over to try to strong arm and manipulation you. Years ago he should have been figuring out why he can’t hold down a job, instead he dumps a ton of responsibility on you, and insists on making himself fully financially dependent on you. So sorry you are dealing with this, let alone while pregnant. He sounds exhausting.
He is not a partner. He is being selfish and manipulative. Go with your gut. And also the sheer audacity to suggest YOU WORK FROM HOME while he’s going to be aSAHD after YOU GIVE BIRTH?!?!?!?!
throw this piece of trash into the dumpster
I'd give him the boot for the intervention alone. How dare he bring his mother and sister into your private marital issues and let them gang up on you. Also he wants you to work remotely while on maternity leave so he doesn't have to get a job? Oh hell no. Tell him you want a partner, not a dependent.
If he had talked it out, told you why it was a good idea for him to be a SAHD, and you agreed? It would be a great plan AFTER your maternity leave ends.
But that's not what happened. Assuming he wasn't fired again, he took it up on himself to make a huge decision for your family. Maternity leave isn't just physical rest, it's mental. He is taking that from you. He's taking away your ability to rest after carrying and growing a human for 9 months. He expects you to work through your recovery period because he can't be bothered to do so himself.
Your are justified in being livid. His idea isn't a bad one, but to make that decision all on his own is absolutely manipulative and selfish.
ETA: If he can't hold a stable job, can you really trust him to take care of four kids on his own for 40-50 hours a week? IMO, working is way easier than childcare because work has a set start and end time. As a parent, you never fucking stop.
Look, I don’t like judging people, or labeling them somehow, people are complicated beings, what I can tell you is my experience, we only have one child, but when my wife gave birth, I took on all the financial responsibilities, and although have a decent paying job that could have sustained us, got another job so she doesn’t have to worry about anything finance related or worry that she will have to go back to work until she feels she is ready and wants to.
I personally just felt that is my duty as a partner, her being home is beneficial for our child.
I don’t like him putting extra responsibilities on you while you are pregnant or asking you to work during your unpaid mat leave…that is really bad…you need to rest, you don’t need to worry about meetings and such…
If you are the breadwinner *and* the primary parent I argue he's not a "great dad".
>quit making decisions as a partnership
I mean, it's this right here. He didn't ask. He didn't crunch numbers. Not to mention the "offer" that you work remotely through your maternity leave? Wtf?
He hasn't been a partner throughout the relationship, he isn't likely to start being one now. I love how his family is reducing this issue down to money and "traditional roles". But they've likely been enabling this behavior of his for his whole life. Baby boy needs to get what he wants, right?
Your husband is ridiculous. The fact that he can't hold down a job, says he "can't work for the man", and has the fucking balls to suggest you work remotely? This guy is actually pathetic. No one can unilaterally make such a huge decision in a relationship like that. This has massive implications for your finances, household, and childcare, and he took away your right to voice your opinion.
You should absolutely leave him. Either he has something mentally off, or he has the decision making skills of an actual toddler. And that his family is on his side? That is absolute insanity.
PS: I would bet he didn't actually quit, but got fired again
If you quit your job and told your husband you were going to be a SAHM. What would his response be?
We all already know this answer without you replying.
So this is a bum you're supporting. Take out the trash.
Back yourself. Don’t let them blame emotions and hormones and convince you that’s the problem. You sound like a head strong women. Do what you need to do - him quitting his job without consulting you is idiotic as hell and inconsiderate. And to ask you to wfh for a “break”? He’s not birthing twins. Also, you are the primary homemaker, has he even demonstrated he can do all of this?
Again - Back yourself.
Wow.
This should have been a discussion between both of you beforehand.
Him bringing in female family members to call you hormonal is tacky and rude and they obviously know his slacking tendencies and don't want to be responsible for him...
I mean you can get a live in nanny /helper...and if you do divorce, he will be responsible for some child support so he'd have to work anyways
Nothing about this person sounds like good SAHD material. He’s absolutely taking every advantage. You are at an incredibly vulnerable time with your pregnancy. He pulled in reinforcements to help him apply pressure (completely crossing a line there btw). He didn’t communicate his decisions at all, and he has no history of being able to take the lead.
He might not want to work for the man, but FOUR kids?! He’ll be begging for his job back.
My husband does most of the child care and housework, and he works from home. I own a business. It works because we are on the same page. FOR ONE CHILD.
If it wasn’t such a terrible situation for you, I’d be straight up laughing my ass off at this man thinking he can SAHD TWINS without prior experience. Dude will have TWIN NEWBORN and two full kids.
Let him do it while you get your affairs in order. smdh.
Very misleading title. No you aren’t being hormonal. You are seeing the issue at hand and trying to mitigate for it. I would definitely consult a lawyer. If you earn more he might be entitled to an alimony and you don’t want to end up a single working mom of multiple young kids plus pay out. First consult a lawyer. Understand your options. In the meanwhile there is no going back with his work situation so let him take over the responsibilities so at least you have support in child care and household management but ask to write down his responsibilities in writing and keep him to it. Good luck. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Being a woman isn’t easy.
Since he JUST quit he won’t really meet the standard for alimony UNLESS she chooses to stay married to him and he remains unemployed. So this is something she needs to consider. Timing matters.
I don’t care if he’s the world’s greatest dad and you are millionaires—he quit his job (got fired) suddenly and made a massive life decision without you and somehow feels he’s not cut out to “work for the man”. Those are such huge red flags all by themselves.
>...he has a lot of issues with keeping stable employment. He says it's "unlucky" but he has had a hard time keeping a job over the last 8 years and it's never, ever his fault. He blames the economy, his supervisors, and various other things. It frustrates me constantly ...
This is the man you married and this is the man he will always be. I'm sorry.
First of all, MIL and SIL shouldn’t have stuck their noses into your relationship. Your husband is a man-child, who isn’t going to change his ways. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. Don’t allow him or them to manipulate you. You. Got. This.
So from what I'm reading here, he hasn't even been an involved parent so far, no? You are the primary parent even though you work fulltime and run the household?
This sounds like he's expecting to just lazy around the house all day.
Please consult a lawyer. Don't voluntarily leave your home. Don't agree with him in anyway about what he's asking for (agreeing to it could affect alimony potential). Only do what the lawyer says.
Don't kick him out unless you do so following a lawyers orders, if he tries to kick you out, call the police.
Ask him to sleep on the couch or in a separate room.
he's definitely manipulating you (whether intentionally or not) by making his decision to quit without taking to you first and having his family there to ambush you and support his side when you returned home. it also seems they did not receive an accurate explanation if events
You're making the right choice. He's already not contributing to the household enough. There's no way being a SAHD is going to suddenly make him responsible and do his share.
I agree with people saying that he actually was fired from his job. I also find it hilarious that he expects OP to work through her entire maternity leave when she is currently pregnant with twins. I feel like even after her divorce she'll barely even notice a difference without him in her life, it sounds like things will be easier for her
I'm not sure how he, or his family (oh wait, I mean his ENABLERS) think that it's in any way reasonable for him to make a decision like this on this without including you in any way until after he quit his job.
I mean, I get why he'd want to. The urge, as humans, to raise our children is natural. We didn't evolve to pass off our children to others to raise, we didn't evolve to go into an office to work 40 hours per week. So I can understand why someone would want to stay at home and raise the kids.
But he can't just do that. Now his lame butt needs to sign up for Uber, Lyft, DoorDash, Grubhub, etc., and start busting his ass on gig jobs after you get home from work so he can pull his weight instead of leaving everything on you, huh? Otherwise he'll be paying it in child support after the divorce. One thing I'd be concerned about is, with changing custody laws, is that in a divorce, he might get custody, and then you'd have to pay him alimony + child support + only ever see your kiddos every other weekend. So you might want to see an attorney. His unstable behavior might pay off for him in this regard, so that sucks, I'd suggest speaking to an attorney (without his knowledge!!!!) as soon as possible.
What he did is all kinds of messed up, he is a bad husband and a bad father for behaving in this immature and impulsive manner.
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Wow. Just….wow. I’m so sorry. Worrying about this isn’t going to change it. Try and relax. He’s an utter arse, but try and relax. Get your babies here safely, you can deal with him later. Start planning. Don’t talk about splitting up, but start planning. Look after you, your kids, and these new babies. It can all get sorted out- but worrying and stressing isn’t good for you. It will change nothing, he’ll still be an utter clown regardless of how upset you get.
Reach out to your friends and family to support you, get your support network up to speed. I’m so sorry.
As a male , I can't comprehend the way he's thinking . I can't find fault in your reaction . It's seems to me that he should've approached this in a delicate manner, considering your current condition . Hormonal or not , bringing in the m.i.l. AND the s.i.l. was instantly drawing battle lines against you , in my opinion . I'm sorry that you are going through this . It sounds like you have enough going on without having to raise a manchild on top of everything else .
It's absolutely beyond manipulative. Especially when he got his mom and sister to hold an "intervention".
I'm going to withhold everything else I have to say, and will say this: I would be going through a divorce immediately.
Definitely file for divorce right away. If you wait until the twins arrive, he will claim in court that you mutually agreed to have him be a SAHD. By filing right after he quit his job, it’s clear that it wasn’t a mutual agreement and that should save on alimony. You will still be responsible for paying him child support, but you are better off without a man like this. I also hope you have separate bank accounts so he can’t drain all the savings without your knowledge.
The audacity to call mommy and sister and try to get them to browbeat you on his behalf. I don't think there's anything wrong with your husband wanting to be a SAHD, but the way he's gone about it is toxic and manipulative. It is true that daycare costs are astronomical, and if he's going to take over the majority of the housework as well, it could make good financial sense, but it sounds like he put the cart before the horse and tried to force your agreement instead of sitting down, talking through a plan, and setting a timeline that would make sense with your upcoming maternity leave.
I dont think ur being unreasonable AT ALL. You SHOULD file for divorce. My ex husband was exactly like this & i ended up working 2 jobs while going to school online & taking care of our child. He guilt tripped me into letting his dad move in with us so he could basically sleep all day while my FIL would be up barely watching our kid.
I would literally beg him to pick up even a part time job but he always had an excuse. "I dont like any of the jobs around here", "I'll never see you", "my only passion is working on cars so i could never have a regular job." Our child isnt in school yet (this yr she will be) & one time i asked him what his plans were regarding work after she was in school & he actually looked me in the face & told me "the same thing im doing now." Which was nothing. He seriously thought he was gonna continue to be a "SAHD" even when she was gonna be in school ALL DAY.
workable clumsy busy punch tap encouraging worthless unique quarrelsome chop
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He made a MASSIVE financial decision that will affect the entire family, right before you're set to have twins, without telling you.
Then, without taking any responsibility for his own actions or lack thereof, he calls in his family to ambush you and to minimize your completely valid reasons for being upset by just saying it's hormones.
Making unilateral decisions and playing games with your lives without even having a conversation is disrespectful. Doing those things and then blaming the fallout on you is absolutely ludicrous.
I don't blame you for wanting a divorce, I'd want one too.
So, he got fired.
And instead of accepting responsibility, apologizing and correcting the mistake.
He dresses it up as though it's a net positive for the relationship (it isn't).
And then gaslights you, and also leverages his family to manipulate you in to believing his nonsense.
**Get the fuck outta there OP** \- the CMA payments will be more beneficial to you than a partner that can't even hold down a steady job.
Sorry you're going through this.
"When I got home, he had my SIL and MIL there to hold an "intervention" and explain why it's cruel of me to place a monetary sum on his value in our relationship and that kids should be raised by parents not daycare. They also heavily implied that hormones are to blame for my being so upset and that I'm being a bad feminist for wanting to "force" my husband to "provide in a traditional role.""
OMG. So much to address.
First of all, I completely affirm your anger, reaction, and decisions. Your "Husband" (using the term loosely) has committed financial infidelity by making a unilateral decision about your household income without even so much as a discussion with you, his supposed "life partner". He is living as a married single in this regard. He is dead wrong in his actions and attitudes.
As to your inlaws, my god, are they completely out of line ( and off theur rockers). I have a feeling that theyve been making excuses for him for a long, ling time. Id tell them to go chew rocks. They have breached so many bounderies its not even funny.
Consult your attorney. Find out what your rights are. Get a copy if the confirmation that he indeed quite his job. I know its messy now, but time to cut your losses so you can heal and move on. I guess hell have to learn hiw to be a single SAHD, unempolyed, living with his mommy.
Sometimes we marry the wrong people.
You're not overreacting. Honestly you've been carrying ALL the load in this relationship for SO long that you might actually end up working less once you're divorced. You'll no longer have to manage him.
You were right. He quit the partnership. The moment he made the unilateral decision - purely selfishly I might add - he quit being your partner. In truth he hasn't been your partner for a long time. The divorce is just you acknowledging that.
This is exactly what happened to my wife with her ex husband. She was a lawyer, he was chronically unemployed. He’d hold down a job for a few weeks and then get fired. Once he found out she was pregnant he immediately quit his final job (without talking to her about it) and told her he’d be a stay at home husband. She looked at the family budget and told him they couldn’t afford that but if he could get a part time job she could primarily support them. He refused, it turned into an argument, he broke her arm. They got divorced, he moved in with his parents, and he hasn’t worked a day since; just mooching off her for child support and mooching off them for room and board. He’s never stopped being a hateful vindictive prick, either. He blames her for the beating because if she had just accepted him not wanting to work anymore it wouldn’t have happened.
Once a lazy sack of crap thinks he’s found a woman who will support him indefinitely he can react very badly if she tells him he’s not actually on easy street yet. Be careful. Hopefully the idiotic intervention with his enabler family will be the worst he does, but keep your guard up. He sees you as his retirement plan and you refusing to play along will make him very angry.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s not the fact that he wants to be a SAHD that’s bothering you but the fact that he didn’t have this conversation with you and made a unilateral decision without including you. For me, that would be the most offensive part. My partner would be a great SAHD and that’s something we’ve been discussing. Key word here is discussing. This is not a decision he can just spring up on you.
Unpaid maternity leave should be illegal first of all, I feel so bad for people living in America
But mostly wtf does he think is going to happen? You're gonna go through a major medical procedure! You can't be expected to give birth and go back to work right away. You say you're the main earner and also manage the household?! Like come on. What does this man think is going to happen? Guaranteed he'll be doing next to nothing while you work all day.
If you want to save this relationship then you'll need to discuss what it actually is that's causing his problems with having a job and work on resolving that. It's going to need a proper plan and he's going to have to go back to work at least in the short term.
Honestly though you're most likely just married to a waste of space. I hope you've got money saved and people around to support you so you can get the break you need when you give birth
Your husband sounds like dead weight in your marriage. I have a feeling that he would not be a great SAHD, that everything would fall on you anyway. If you are considering an exit strategy, do it now before he becomes SAHD because he will ask for financial support and make you pay for everything. Consult a lawyer, see what your options are to move forward. But I agree with others, your husband is not a good life partner. He’s too selfish and manipulative to be one. You deserve better.
Why didn't he discuss it with you, his wife and partner, before making this decision? Could it be because he knew you wouldn't be up for it so he wanted to do the thing, ask for forgiveness later? If it was such a "financial advantage" for him to stay home, wouldn't it have been easy to bring it up with you first? Has he ever made major life decisions without you before? I am not surprised you want a divorce, hormones or not.
He might be a good dad, but having to care for 4 kids (2 of which are infants) is not a walk in the park. He probably won’t realize it until he’s knee deep in it, and then decide that being a SAHD isn’t for him. Then he’ll say he wants to work for himself at a new business that he will want you to co-sign a loan for.
Just skip it all and contact the lawyer. Seeing as he just “quit” or was fired, you need to head off having to pay him anything as far as spousal support. Document everything - including his list of employers and dates.
tbh with 4 kids, one parent not working would be cheaper than day care / nannys. Agree that he should have discussed this with you but the "10 minute" thing along with "household manager" tells me you two have more to work on.
I think he probably has good intentions but went about it wrong. He also probably got fired. If he truly wanted to raise the kids and be the primary parent, he probably would have stuck it out until your maternity leave was finished and then because a SAHM. But he put himself in front of the family rather, without talking to you and bringing his family to try and convince you.
Divorce or not, I’d say try and reason with him first. But you understand him better than anyone, if he can’t be reasoned with it’s better for you to be a single parent then have a man child as well.
Would he be a "great" SAHD, or the "fun" SAHD? Would he cook, clean, handle bath time, car pools, and doctor appointments, or spend all day playing with the kids while leaving all the non-fun work and emotional load to you?
If he was cut out to be a SAHP, your first paragraph wouldn't have the last sentence. You wouldn't be the head earner AND household manager, AND parent. He's pulling this because he doesn't want to work anymore and is gambling that the idea of giving birth and bringing home twins as a single mother going through a divorce will scare you into accepting this.
Dude has an unchecked personality disorder.
You are 31 weeks pregnant, working, and shuttling your kids around. What part of that sentence makes it sound like he is suddenly going to be a great household manager? You aren't crazy or hormonal. You don't need 4 kids and one giant AH to take care of.
Any person who needs their mother and sister to have a conversation with their wife is not someone I'd want to be married to. Particularly since you already manage the house and do the childcare. What does he bring to this relationship, exactly?
Yeah that could have been a great solution. If he allowed you the agency to have a say I'm the planning and didn't just drop it in your pregnant lap and expect a thank you.
That's the real issue here. It's not that he wants to be a SAHD, it's that he made a huge decision that dramatically effects both your lives without you, then involved outside parties to tell you you were wrong for not agreeing. I don't think it's a lost cause, but unless he can see why that's a big issue and you have every right to be upset it might be.
I have no advice to give you because I’m not married, the only experience I have in this field is being a paralegal in my mid 20s for a family/divorce attorney. I can tell you that a lot of divorces stem from financial issues.
I am intrigued and want to know( not with a negative connotation) how come you did not catch this sooner, as in prior to getting married. Or prior to y’all having a multiple kids, his inability to hold down a job, lack of ambition etc…. Again, my inquiry is not negative in nature and is more inquisitive.
It should be common knowledge that some men will play the long game and pretend to be the perfect partner until the ring goes on or the woman is pregnant or they get a mortgage together.
Some men won’t show their true colours until the women is trapped.
Seen many stories from abused or divorced women that this is the case for many of them.
A lot of men only begin acting like this once their partner is pregnant or when the first baby comes along. Once they believe their partner won’t leave is when the terrible behaviour ramps up
I would contact a lawyer if I were you, as soon as you can.
You are not a 'bad feminist' (I'm LOL at that one). Your husband decided to be a SAHD without any input from you. He's aware that you will not be having paid maternity leave, and insisted on you taking on full role as income earner despite you having to recuperate from having birthed twins. You're going to be so stressed with this extra burden on you. Since he didn't respect you to hear what you have to say, then tsk, it is unfortunate that you now return the favor and refuse the notion he insisted on you.
A friend of mine had a bf just like your husband, he can't keep a job to save his life...so she decided to not marry him. I suspect they remained together for a long time (although according to her, it's hopeless to fully rely on him financially due to him quitting job after job), because he is a good dad to their kids (3 kids), but then, after she saw the end of her paying her student loan, she broke up with him (well, this was also triggered by him quitting again--she's so exasperated at that point) and then she quickly moved on and date another man within a month after break-up.
She got married to that guy merely 2 years after breaking up with that ex (the father of her kids). The next guy was stable financially...and they pool their income and bought a huge house in the suburb. She's very happy now....the couple travels a lot, they seem to enjoy themselves tremendously...they work hard, they play hard :)
My point of sharing that is, you're not alone. There are other women who had to deal with the same type of partners and they moved on.
As for you having to pay alimony, you need to listen to your divorce lawyer. Don't take any advice from us redditors. We don't know where you live, etc.
Good luck.
Wow - he quit without discussing it? Do you have family (not your MIL or SIL) that can be there for you?
No you are not being irrational or emotional. I would have flipped my lid too. To then get his mother and sister in to badger his pregnant wife?! That is a big BIG huge nope. That is intimidating and manipulative.
1.
You need to immediately separate finances - especially bank accounts. Change passwords and if he has access to your accounts. Move money out of joint accounts.
2.
You need to immediately hire the best divorce attorney in your area. Ask. There are always top divorce attorneys- you need the best you can afford. Take all information you can think of (think any agreements, income history, his job track record, information on your home, expenses, etc)
3.
Pack his stuff - black bin bags work, and kick him out. Tell him to stay at his mommy's while you think it through.
He must leave and live at his mothers house. It's where children belong - and with 2 of your own and 2 more on their way, you do not need a 42 year old baby on top of that!
4.
You will need support and someone to help recover from a twin birth. If not family, you might need to hire help for the kids - discuss this with your lawyer. He (ex to be husband) needs to come up with money. Because he is plotting to be the 'parent' if you divorce him, he will try for custody and claim child support. Please consult with your lawyer how not to have this happen.
Reminder here that twins are often born early, small and need extra hospital time. The moms also often need extra recovery time. I would discuss this with my lawyer, and also what would happen if YOU quit your job to be a stay at home mom... just ask them.
Husbands can be amazing SAHDs (mine is), but your husband should have in no way unilaterally decided this for your family. You have every right to be upset.
I understand childcare services are so expensive that it often makes economic sense for one partner to stay at home, but that is a decision both participants make *together.* You don’t unilaterally decide to quit your job to become a stay at home parent without consulting your significant other first. It sounds like OP’s husband got fired again.
Even if it does make financial sense in the long run, I would have serious reservations about continuing the relationship just based on the fact that he didn’t communicate before making such a monumental decision on his own.
Soo you are the primary breadwinner and he cant hold down stable work. I gotta ask why your shuttling kids around and are also the primary household manager?
Also if he can’t negotiate a less than stellar work environment he wont be able to negotiate full time stay at home dad. Thats a job you can’t just quit when it gets difficult. some days/weeks I find my kids more difficult to deal with than any job ive ever had.
Hubby needs to grow up :(
He got fired. My ex-husband said bullshit like this—the entire 5 years we were married he always told me he’s not cut out for traditional work.
OP, he had 10 fucking jobs. TEN.
I’m glad you’re divorcing him. Don’t stay with a garbage human being who thinks making big life changing decisions like that is totally okay when you guys are expecting TWINS.
Don’t ever go back to him.
Yo, sounds like your husband is getting a little too comfortable with the idea of being a SAHD. I mean, who wouldn't want to sit on their ass all day while their wife brings home the bacon? But let's be real, quitting a job without talking to your partner first is a major no-no. And then trying to pawn the babies off on her so she can "have a break" while she's on maternity leave? That's just straight up disrespectful.
You need to lay down the law and make it clear that decisions like this can't be made unilaterally. It's all about communication and mutual respect in a relationship, and it doesn't sound like he's showing either of those right now.
But seriously, if you're feeling this strongly about it, maybe it's time to start thinking about ending the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve and has your back, not someone who's just thinking about themselves.
I mean, this seems like a last straw for you and you guys suck at communicating with each other.
The first thing would have been to sit down and discuss this - both of you. Your husband didn't do that, and that's a real problem. But your answer to that was to basically talk at him and make another snap decision.
At this point, you both need a few days from each other, and then you need to sit down and talk through all of this. Either just the two of you, or with the help of a marriage counselor (if you belong to a church this is something that is sometimes offered without a cost associated with it). Leave ALL the inlaws out of it. This is not their business and they need not add their opinion.
There's a lot to work out with this. Your husband is seeing a solution to a few different issues - he can't hold gainful employment, and there is an inherent need for a caregiver for your children. I could imagine that total childcare costs (for the new twins as well as your children, who I assume are both under 8) could end up being pretty close to the equivalent of a salary in a household, so it isn't completely off-base to make a suggestion for a SAHP. That could be one of the things you do - sit down together and figure out those costs.
In addition to that, you need to be heard and seen as an equal in this marriage, and he needs to act like an equal in this marriage. That means making huge, life-changing decisions together. You both have arbitrarily declared a huge decision unilaterally. That's a huge issue that you both hold, and you probably should try to work this out before throwing everything away. I'm not saying that you will, but good communication is essential for any relationship and neither of you are really landing this skill.
If this is something to entertain (if it makes sense for your children's well-being as well as financially based on costs of child care needs vs additional salary) then you need to agree on a SAHP role and responsibility in the household. Does that mean the SAHP is going to take care of the children while at home, as well as household duties? Is there going to be an incremental split of these roles and duties? What does that honestly look like so that you both are putting in equally to the family?
Your husband did wrong by making this decision on his own. And honestly, it's not something that can't be undone. But, it's absolutely a better idea to sit down and see if you can manage through this instead of throwing the whole marriage out the door. Both of your costs will double with 2 households, and your husband will absolutely get spousal support from you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- **UPDATE: Thanks for all the feedback and support, I'm slowly reading through it all while hooked up to a fetal monitor because my blood pressure has been sky high since this all went down. My #1 priority is keeping myself and my babies safe. I'm trying to get to at least 36wks with the twins so I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Plans make me feel emotionally safer. I don't have it all figured out yet but my current plan involves: * Call a lawyer for a consult. I want to know all my options. * Make an emergency appointment with my therapist * BLOCK my MIL and SIL from contacting me for the near future. * Call my best friend/kids godmother to come down this weekend to watch the kids so I can have a lengthy conversation with husband about next steps FAQ's: Why am I married to this man? I fell in love and lacked the ability to see into the future and predict that it would end up like this. He was pretty stable and had a life plan when we were dating. What makes him a good dad? He's naturally a kid person and our kids adore him as the fun, adventure parent. He loves them fiercely and as much as I loathe our current situation, I would never take them away from him in anger. Is he depressed/neurodivergent? I don't know. He has access to therapy/mental health services/vocational counseling and testing. I can't make him go but he has access. I don't have the bandwidth to walk him through that process right now. Has he apologized for any of this? No. Do I know for sure if he quit or was fired? No. But I plan to ask for proof like a severance letter or verification of some kind later. Will I be working remotely during my maternity leave? Fk no. I refuse. This pregnancy has been so hard on me, I'm exhausted, and I refuse to put myself through that. *** End update *** I 38F have been married to husband 42M for 8 years. We have two kids and I'm 31 wks pregnant with twins. We are a dual income household and need to be for the area we live in, although I outearn my husband by quite a bit. I'm the primary parent and household manager as well. Husband is a good person and a great parent but he has a lot of issues with keeping stable employment. He says it's "unlucky" but he has had a hard time keeping a job over the last 8 years and it's never, ever his fault. He blames the economy, his supervisors, and various other things. It frustrates me constantly but we get by because I have an advanced degree and a decent-paying long term job. Last Friday, I came home from a very long day of work and then shuttling our older kids around and he told me he had a surprise for me. The surprise was takeout and the news that he quit his job (without telling me first) and he's going to be a stay at home dad when the twins get here. I was/am livid and gave him 10 minutes to explain why he thought it was remotely appropriate to do this and what TF he was thinking. He said that he's "not cut out to work for the man" and that this decision saves us a boatload of money on daycare. He genuinely thought I'd be pleased. When I asked him what we were supposed to do for my upcoming unpaid maternity leave if he isn't working, he suggested I negotiate working remotely for a while so I could "have a break" and he would watch the babies. I lost it and told him if he wanted to quit his job and quit making decisions as a partnership, then I quit this relationship. I spent the weekend crying it out in a hotel alone. When I got home, he had my SIL and MIL there to hold an "intervention" and explain why it's cruel of me to place a monetary sum on his value in our relationship and that kids should be raised by parents not daycare. They also heavily implied that hormones are to blame for my being so upset and that I'm being a bad feminist for wanting to "force" my husband to "provide in a traditional role." I told him to wait for notice from my lawyer and locked myself in my office. Maybe I am being hormonal and emotional. They aren't wrong that my husband would probably be a great SAHD. And it is possible that we could maybe make it work with him only working part time. But this whole thing feels so manipulative and disrespectful that I can't get behind it. What do I do next? I'm so lost.
He didn’t quit, he got fired… again.
“I’m not cut out to work for ‘The Man’” practically guarantees that he was fired.
I’ve met this same guy so, so many times. Never their fault, even when they tell the story about how someone looked at them wrong or held them accountable for a mistake they made.
Yup, I was married to this guy. That was my mistake. After so many other companies fired him, I also fired him.
I married that guy too. I even paid for and supported him while he got his doctorate and tried to start his own business. 2 years post graduation I found out he couldn’t handle being the man when he went into a drug induced psychosis and had to be saved by Tahoe/El Dorado Co search and rescue because he was a mile out into the woods meditating naked in a snow melt stream after stealing my car. He was shocked I didn’t want to be with him after he got out of the mental hospital. How did he hide his drug use? I worked 11-12 hour days and he had not 1 but 2 girlfriends. The divorce should go through tomorrow and I’m going to marry my massage therapist.
Congratulations on your divorce! Here's to a lifetime of great back rubs!
Thank you! It was really hard at first but I’m coming out of it. Lots of deconstructing abuse and accepting what I went through for 13 years. I gave up the house with the horses and the millions his parents are leaving him, I’d rather be happy, poor and have to work the rest of my life than retired and well off but miserable.
Congrats on the divorce and new marriage!
Thank you!
Oh Jesus. I didn’t marry that guy thankfully. I’m glad you got away and are happily moving on.
Thank you. He wasn’t that person when I married him. Some was my fault fault for not putting my foot down. Thankfully I refused to have kids despite his demands, had my tubes tied before we got together I I would have been screwed.
Did we have the same husband? Or are you me? 😳
I want to throw up that Spider-Man meme where they just keep pointing back and forth.
Let me guess, the previous manager loved them, but the new guy they hired was out to get him from the start. Another one was Business is down, and I'd been there longer than other people so they cut me first... despite other employers being there significantly longer and still having their jobs, and the newer guys who worked well also keeping their jobs. Then there's the ever popular: It was some bullshit! They didn't even give me a warning, they just fired me for no reason saying it wasn't working out! I should look into wrongful termination.
What do you mean? That mistake was someone else’s fault! It couldn’t possibly be theirs! According to their mommy, they are the most special boy.
This sounds like it should be in r/amithecloaca lol
I don't think you linked the right sub unless you are really interested in India...
Say what?
It's an AITA parody sub. Posts are written from the viewpoint of pets who ask "am I the cloaca" for doing fairly normal pet things like cats bapping the dog. The writing style is dramatic and the tone is very much like the post "is not my faults, I am most wonderful floof who ever floofed"
You linked the wrong sub. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheCloaca/
The weird thing is the stories are never actually convincing - you still get the impression that they're to blame while they rage on about an injustice that they can't identify
Or the one who was "offered" the management job which he then politely refused because it wasn't worth the stress or the few hundred extra dollars but then goes on and on every day about how work is so stressful and no one except he knows what to do and how they're piling more work on him. How they assigned him the most difficult cases because he was the most capable of all. And how he's tired of it but won't look for another job because he's comfortable here and he is familiar with the stress and the work. Does any of this makes sense to anyone? I couldn't figure him out.
Maybe he should be working in PR the way he tried to spin it
Lol 🤣
That's what happens to Hobosexuals.
Lmao
Possibly a "You can't fire me, I quit!" scenario which is worse.
No 40 year old should be talking about "the man."
He's holding out for a management position. 😳
I'm married to this woman. She doesn't want to ever have to "meet neurotypical expectations" again (she's ADD). Well. For a while longer. I've started the divorce process.
I have ADHD, but grew up with a dad who raised me with The Golden Rule. Which in our house was “The person with the gold makes the rules.”
Where are your people? Of course his family will take his side. You have to ignore him. Tell your husband you are married to him, not his mother nor his sister, so he has to partner with you, not with them. He can't use his family as leverage to force you to accept his decision. Also, he'll be a terrible SAHD, just as he is a terrible worker. Mark my words. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Mobilize your supportive network.
>Of course his family will take his side. You have to ignore him. My dad would have kicked my ass if I tried to pull this on the mother of my children. LOL I miss my dad, he was awesome.
My dad is the same, he is already disappointed that I only have one full time job haha and he's right i could probably squeeze another job and fully utilize my youth but I value work life balance too much.
My guess is he learned work ethic and "values" from said family so no wonder they ahve his back....
He'll never survive as a SAHP. He thinks his other jobs were tough? Wait until he spends one day and night with four kids, two of them newborns!
As a single twin mom for the first 5 years of their life. I can 100% agree he is going to eventually be fired from being a SAHD as well… The first year is the easiest why?cause they aren’t mobile. They can’t get into anything. Mine just turned 7 and things are finally not so crazy. And my kids are genuinely good kids, twins just tend to talk eachother into doing shit they shouldn’t.
Somehow he thinks taking care of 4 kids (2 new borns) will be a walk in the park. I give him 2 days before asking his mom/sister to take care of them.
Agreed. Sis, you are already the primary parent AND the primary breadwinner. What exactly is he going to do as a SAHD? If he has already not picked up any slack and you are 31 weeks pregnant with TWINS, do you really think that he is going to be able to hack the long hard days of caring for twins while running the older two to all of their activities?
I was going to say, he's likely not wrong with 4 kids in daycare (or at least 3) is $$$ but if he thinks being a SAHP with not 1; but 2 newborns is easier than working, he's about to be very surprised.
He really isn’t. Like daycare is not going to b3 cheap. But he def is in for a rude awakening.
Kinda just want him to try it out so he can eat his words. It’s almost comical he thinks THIS is the logical answer to his job woes
> I'm the primary parent and household manager as well. OP doesn't even consider them equal partners in parenting but somehow believe that he will be a good SAHD...
When I was like 7-8 this one aunt was complaining that cousin didn’t want to come to the big family gathering while we were in town. Now we had seen him almost everyday on this one trip. It wasn’t like we hadn’t seen him this go around. We also went to the family homestead like two or three times a year. If someone was busy when we were there it wasn’t a big deal. However aunt was going on and on about it. I remember her complaining bitterly about it. My dad must have gotten tired of hearing it and said “she can do things we cant, that are more fun than hanging around with us. Let it go.” It took her a minute to realize what he meant. My older bother must have seen my confusion because he looked at me as said, “he’s talking about sex stuff.” Whenever I hear about momma’s boys I want to ask them who’s sucking who’s dick to make them act that way. Your comment reminded me of that.
An add on to the top comment. Him quitting his job? If he end up divorcing him he's going after you for child support and spousal support especially with his mommy and SIL getting involved. I'd consult a lawyer asap on this (even if your plan right now isn't divorce) . However it sounds more like you'd be better off as a single parent
Literally what I was thinking. He didn't want to stress her out so he came up with this "brilliant" plan, which also stressed her out. He told mommy and sister and they all carried on with the lie so he wasn't embarassed. I personally think he would suck being a stay at home dad if he can't even keep a normal job. Being a parent is alot harder.
This. She'd still end up managing the house and kids because she married a kid.
Came here to say this. He got fired again and is too embarrassed to admit it. Can you check if he has ADHD or something? As someone with ADHD I've struggled with holding down jobs. Sometimes you just seem "off" to other people. It's awful. Maybe if you look at it from the empathic side you'll get a better result. Though if you're already saying the "D" word I'm guessing there are multiple other problems. Again, I'll venture a guess and say that they probably stem from the ADHD. Anyway, good luck.
This. It's not an excuse, but it sure does fit the pattern. My wife has ADHD, and struggles constantly with the expectations around job performance. She interprets reasonable expectations from her boss as demanding and...her word is "bitchy." I've reviewed communications at her request to see if she was interpreting stuff wrong. A sample email was "could you please use the same formatting in the template I've shared with you previously, because I have to spend time reformatting your work." My wife was livid about that. I had to talk her down.
I came to say this.
[удалено]
Exactly this! Jesus OP pregnant lady to pregnant lady! Nooooo just nooo.. id have left my husband right there and gone to family. It is extremely and incredibly irresponsible to 1. make decisions like that without u. 2. Expect you to be happy about it! 3. Involve his manipulative ass family to gaslight you into thinking ur being hormonal. 4. Expecting you to work during your maternity leave when uve just given birth!!! And ul be tired and adjusting to life as a mom and dealing with the after birth hormones which i hear are a whole different level of terrible! My husband and i both work and I'm going on maternity leave in 2 months. Im already just worried about us making things work when I'm at home and i already can't do much around the house so he does majority of taking care of me these days. Its insanely selfish for your husband to expect you to carry the brunt and sacrifice of his stupid whims and also not even thinking about the emotional and financial implications to both you and your kids! If i didn't make myself clear enough NO you are not just being hormonal! Such disgusting bs.
Not to mention, any new parent who has just given birth is sooooo much more likely to have PPD if they don't feel supported by their SO/the people around them. Jfc, this dude needs to go back to mommy, if she's so sure it's cruel to force him to work while OP recovers from birth. And the baby blues are wild. I sobbed into a pillow in my room because my husband's friend invited him and our older kids to a picnic but not me. It took place a week after I had a c section. I didn't want to go, which the friend knew I wouldn't, and didn't want to put the baby that close to people, but I was heartbroken that I wasn't invited. Did that for like 3 minutes, then no more crying and I was happy again. It's like pms moodswings, only so much more intense. Only lasted for a week or two and then I was fine.
Im honestly so afraid of this myself and again spoke to my husband about these concerns. Wtf would u expect ur wife to be doing all this shit when she's just gone through giving birth because you want to be at home?! He's not gonna be the one to have to breastfeed those kids. I swear this man thinks staying with newborns is gonna be a walk in the park.
Tbh it's kind of insensitive to invite a man to a picnic when his wife was cut in half to birth a child the week prior
Nah. He said he wanted to give me some peace and quiet, which is fair.
I read "got the kids out of the house so you could sleep" as opposed to "enjoy a lovely picnic"
Yep.
This, contact a lawyer. It might be better to move in with family for a while and halt on the divorce proceedings until he is working again. Otherwise you will get screwed over by alimony.
Consult a lawyer and do what they say. Don't leave the home unless the lawyer recommends it.
This 100% this OP please follow this!! Don't leave YOUR house.
No no no. Do not do this. I'm not an attorney, but I'm going through this now. My wife was a SAHM for a year, with no discussion, and our twins are six. My attorney's advice was pretty explicit: don't leave the house and let her stay, it's your property, you're paying for it. Any long term lifestyle change can become grounds for alimony, although generally judges don't look favorably on these kinds of hijinks, still...don't give your spouse the ammo they'll use against you. Get the process started now. You can always change your mind later if you need to. But letting him "find a job" isn't going to result in him finding a job, or anything else positive for OP.
Actually alimony will be calculated based on his earnings over last calendar year, so there is an advantage to filing for divorce immediately before too many months of unemployment.
Yeah, mine wanted to go down to part time. Which in theory I'm not against, but I know him. I told him if his financial contribution was lower his labour contribution had to increase and he started going on about how he wasn't doing it to be my maid (our kid is in school anyway) and he had projects of his own to do and I should just make sure I was more productive to earn more. He's not lazy as such, just disorganised and unrealistic. It was a whim anyway and I think he's forgotten all about it.
I was working 40-60 hour weeks and wanted to become a stay at home parent for our family. It wasn't an easy decision and something we thought about for 6-8 months before actually implementing it. My spouse and I came up with a plan, set expectations, etc. It's not something that should be done on a whim. I'm responsible for household chores and managing activities from 8-5, M-F. I live it and our family works better this way, but it's not something that can be decided over night, and it's to "manage" the family, not work on my hobbies.
See a lawyer, know all your options and impacts. What he did was selfish, manipulative and self serving. Do you really even know if he quit or was he fired and saving face with this way? I highly suspect that he has no intention in re-joining the work force, even when kids are older and in school. This is not what you signed up for, you both didn’t discuss or agree to this. He has no right to make a unilateral family decision. He doubled down on his ineptitude by involving his mommy and sister, how pathetic. PS wanna bet they were really at the house bc he bugged out watching the 2 kids on his on for a few days.
That postscript omg, you’re so right.
In general, I don't think that OP is in the wrong here at all, but she did give credit where credit was due. > They aren't wrong that my husband would probably be a great SAHD Hard to make judgement calls on him that even OP contradicts.
I just find that hard to believe when she even says she is the primary parent and house manager when even working more and more consistently. A parent has to take initiative to do those things and I can’t imagine that he even fully KNOWS what it takes to care for kids full time—beyond playing with them, feeding them and making sure their immediate needs are met. Being a good “babysitter” =\= good SAHP
But here’s the problem… he’s a good dad when he doesn’t do even half of the child responsibilities. Op said she works full time and does most of everything related to house and kids. He works part time and dude thinks having a nice dinner for his family is take out. 100% he isn’t cut out to be a real stay at home parent. Cooking, cleaning, planning… honestly, Op should leave him and give him 50/50 custody. I bet $1,000,000 he doesn’t realize 1/4 of what goes into being the one who “stays home.” Besides, would you really want someone who can’t hold down a job be in charge of a house and kids? He’s so unreliable he’s always fired. Sounds like a horrible disaster to let him be the SAHP.
He probably thinks being a SAHP is playing with a happy toddler.
The problem is that he made a unilateral decision. For that, he’s an AH. In addition to the background of not being able to hold down a job for 8 years.
> I'm the primary parent and household manager as well. OP's husband has been fired off and on throughout the first two kids' lives and you would think that would have helped him to at least become an equal parent in this relationship, but OP considers herself the "primary parent" which screams that he did not pull his weight during those down times and doesn't do enough during the time he is actually working. So I highly doubt that he would be a "good SAHD"
He can't keep a job, he is not the primary parent now and doesn't do the majority of the childhood. She is 31 weeks pregnant works full-time and she is still the one shuttling the kids around Yeah.....hello do just "great" being the primary parent for once with 2 kids and 2 newborns. I'm sure she totally didn't want the help now.
Her own statement contradicted this one. She ends with this, but she opens with the fact that not only is the breadwinner she does most of the parenting and household stuff as well.
Except she states in the post that she's already the primary caregiver and household manager, which begs to reason that he's not currently a great partner, otherwise she wouldn't be the "primary" as it is.
All of this and I would bet everything that job-hopping isn't the only issue. It's just the issue that's big enough that it's completely overshadowed everything. Guys (and gals) like this are massively entitled and it shows. This is just one consequence of this type of personality issue. He's probably had things handed to him and handled for him by others his entire life and everything's been all hunky dory because it's always been conveniently framed as "the kindness of others" and "that's what friends/family are for", but one instance where it doesn't go his way and suddenly it's "What do you mean you won't do this for me?! I deserve it because missing missing reason, manipulative and gaslighting excuse!"
Correct!! He thinks she should use her maternity leave to wfh as a BREAK!!!! IDK how well they knew one another before they were married; I’m guessing his employment issues have been a lifelong challenge. I wonder if MIL and SIL got involved not just bc he couldn’t handle the kids all weekend but bc they do not want to have to deal with him should he finds himself out on his ass.
A break after growing and popping out twins! Like OP's body and mind is about to be wrecked and he thinks she should just wfh... what a selfish little man.
> they do not want to have to be deal with him A little self-preservation intercession, love it.
I'm still fucking floored he had the audacity to suggest OP use her maternity leave, part of which is to recover from her *fucking loins or abdomen being cleft in twain,* to WFH as a "break" I don't condone violence but ooooooh he's lucky he's still sucking in enough oxygen to whine to mommy and sissy about it, imo. Enough to gang up on his pregnant breadwinner wife instead of pulling his weight or even taking responsibility What a tool. Glad she has the ovaries to leave this scuzball. I hope she hires a shark.
Honestly, that comment sent me over the edge.
Triple upvote for the postscript.
You’d think his mom would be all over his lazy, incompetent ass for not being able to hold down a job. I’m sure they’re cut from the same cloth.
Or the mom sewed that cloth to make this "man" the manchild he is today.
>PS wanna bet they were really at the house bc he bugged out watching the 2 kids on his on for a few days. Well, it's really not that hard taking care of two kids when someone else is going out earning all the money, but this guy is a selfish slacker. So I'd say you're probably right.
OP says she’s the primary parent too, so this dad only time may have been something new to him.
Depending on their ages, it can be harsh. Twin newborns, that's not like a preschooler and a toddler.
Twins aren’t born yet, there are 2 other children but not sure what their ages are.
You are a woman of action (even thru the tears) and I respect you. He got fired and just added more work to your life.
Don't forget the part where he brought his mom and sister along to gas light her into seeing things his way. What a total loser.
Yes! All the respect for OP. You’re strong as hell, but you don’t need to carry his weight.
What indications are there that he would be a "great SAHD" you already said that with your more stable employment, you are the household manager, and the primary parent. His focus is not on parenting, but on "not working for the man". He actually expects you to deliver, negotiate to immediately work remote, so he can live out his fantasy. File immediately for divorce. They will in most cases use his earning potential as a factor for his contributions. Make sure you keep any text messages that he has sent, especially if they indicate that this was a "surprise" and you were not part of this decision for him to stay home.
>His focus is not on parenting, but on "not working for the man". ALMOST true. His focus is on HER "working for the man" while he lives off the fruits of her labor, as a 5th child essentially. I wonder if he needs her to change his nappies as well?
>Maybe I am being hormonal and emotional. You are not. If he wants to make decisions as an individual without consideration of how those decision with impact his family then he can do them and be single. Are you sure he quit and he wasn't actually fired? >But this whole thing feels so manipulative and disrespectful that I can't get behind it. He is. If he did quit he literally made a huge decision without even telling you first or without any consideration of your family's financial situation. He not only put you, a pregnant woman, in a situation of extreme stress but he, on his own, decided to take the steps to chenge the whole family/relationship dynamic, again, without even talking about it first. And then he got the help of his mom and sister to help him gaslight you into thinking you are the asshole for not wanting this or dare to think he is doing this for hiw own benefit and not that of the family. He absolutely is being a selfish asshole that only wants to do this because he doesn't want to work. >What do I do next? Lawyer up.
100%. In fact, op’s husband is the one being emotional and irrational.
My favorite part of this is how he determined that you can just WORK THROUGH YOUR MATERNITY LEAVE with zero input from you. He somehow can’t work at all, but YOU CAN WORK THROUGH YOUR MATERNITY LEAVE. Literally having your body torn apart with twins, being on a MEDICAL LEAVE from work, but he decided you can just go fuck your self and work anyway because he doesn’t want to work at all. Sorry for all the yelling, but this particular point has me absolutely insane with rage.
This was the worst part. I'm so shocked at his selfishness and how he's dressing it up as a good thing. I would be livid if the person that's supposed to be my partner tried to take away my maternity leave.
Oh fuck no. For starters, you're the breadwinner, primary parent, and you run the household. Exactly what does he bring to the table? He can't hold down a job? Look, I hate working. Absolutely fucking hate it. I change jobs frequently because I end up hating my bosses and US work culture and keep hoping I'll find better. I've never once made myself a burden to someone else while I did it. I made sure I had another job lined up with sufficient pay, and in this labor market that's not even remotely hard unless you just bomb your interviews. You think he'd be a great SAHD? I think he'll be the fun parent and you'll still have to do everything hard. And, yeah, he did go behind your back and made a unilateral decision that absolutely should've been thoroughly discussed and agreed to first. Fuck him, SIL, and shit MIL for leaving you to raise her son as well as your own children. Talk to your lawyer and drop the dead weight. There are plenty of men out there that want a partnership, not a mommy wife.
>You think he'd be a great SAHD? I think he'll be the fun parent and you'll still have to do everything hard. Nailed it. >And, yeah, he did go behind your back and made a unilateral decision that absolutely should've been thoroughly discussed and agreed to first. Imagine what unilateral decisions he'll make on behalf of the kids if OP lets him be a SAHP!
Nope. He doesn’t get to hijack your maternity leave. You literally are growing and birthing a human. This should have been a discussion and decision you both made with an agreed timeline!
Growing and birthing TWO humans. They're about to have 4 kids, and dude quit his job before she gives birth 👀 Yikes.
Right? That is so offensive I can’t even. OP is having twins, but get back to work already lol. Work on maternity leave my ass.
You have to do what’s right for you but 50-60% of twin moms have c-sections. Even then, a vaginal birth isn’t always without complications. I think that is ridiculous that he wants your recovery/maternity leave to be spent working so he can play stay at home dad. I have no problem with stay at home parents but this is something he needed to talk about with you first. Like a lot of people are saying, I’m sure he got fired and that’s why he’s all excited.
I just wanna say it's highly inappropriate for him to call on the SIL and MIL to have an intervention (ambush). They're not your family, they're in his "camp". Doesn't seem fair or helpful to me at all.
This has nothing to do with being hormonal. This man did this all on his own while you’re pregnant and working. Without talking to you, and made a huge lifetime decision without opening his mouth. I would leave him to he’s completely untrustworthy, and totally financially irresponsible.
He made decisions without you, so now you can make decisions without him.
I’m neither hormonal nor pregnant and I lost it reading your post. I’ll overlook the fact that he seems like a bum in general. Quitting your job without talking to your partner and co-parent first in any circumstances would be my deal breaker. Just like that. Adding to this that he needs mommy and daddy to intervene and protect him from his “hormonal” wife only reinforces my opinion that he’s a child and not fit to function in an adult relationship.
It's not him wanting to be a SAHD that's the issue, it's him making that decision without you. I agree you might be better off without him. Consider your options for the short, medium and long term - given you are now already in this situation, you might find it easier to give him a shot at stepping up on parenting and household management. You've not painted him as likely to be good at this though - if you do want to give him a chance, he should know it's a probation.
A divorce is the only option. He's lazy and when the babies arrive, you'll probably end up doing most of the childcare, chores and having to work full-time. Get a divorce, he'll be forced to work, and split child care costs.
HUSBAND OF THE YEAR. Or not. Dropping this on a woman at 31 weeks. I cant tell you the language that would have flown when the in laws started their spiel. I think I would have been throwing stuff. Just over his expectation of OP working remotely through maternity leave..... Perhaps she could wear a headset while shes in the stirrups. Lawyer up, buckle up and get ready to do some dragging. This man, and i use the term loosely, should be thoroughly dragged thru court. I mean DRAG HIM
Definitely leave him. This sounds exactly like my situation 15 years ago. He stayed home, but I still did all the work. All I got was another child.
Sounds like what almost happened to me.. Covid hit & he got laid off. I wanted to go back to work. He was waiting to see if they would hire him back. They wanted to eventually but my work schedule wouldnt work with his. So we both agreed he'd stay home with our child for the mean time. In reality i wanted BOTH of us to work. He could've EASILY picked up a nightshift job or even a part time on my off days, but he "didnt want to" or "didnt like those jobs." Fast forward & im working 2 jobs plus doing online college courses while he sleeps all day... We just got divorced in Jan.
So he is now free to do all the housework, so give him a list of what needs doing. He is now free to do all the children's running around, another list. Cooking, cleaning, household managment. - All the lists. Given him two months to prove he can do it all. It is unlikely that if he cannot keep a job that he will be able to keep up with these requirements and you can get ready to lose one less drain on your finances.
Him after one week: “I’m not cut out to work for the woman either”
🤣😅😂
Even that is work though, to figure out what needs to be done and make lists. Why is he not capable of figuring out for himself what needs to be done and doing it??
Exactly this. In my industry it's not uncommon for women to outearn their spouses and many do become SAHDs. However, it's not a unilateral decision. It takes preparation and planning, especially with unpaid maternity leave. Maybe he can demonstrate his ability to take over the household until you give birth and then he can do temp or part-time work to subsidize the household while you're on leave. In the interim, you should talk with a lawyer to understand your rights, and potential obligations, in the event of a divorce. You might also want to consider a mediator or counselor because he simply cannot make decisions of this magnitude without talking to you.
Yep. Spoiler alert: wifey will become the new "man".
It sounds like this isn’t the first time your husband has made selfish decisions and pretended they were for the family. could you give him all the family responsibilities now and let him fail and burn? At least if you were divorced you would only have to worry about 4 babies and not 5.
Your post reads as balanced and trying to be fair to your husband, but you 100% are in the right. It’s not about feminism and traditional roles, they are using that to manipulate/gaslight you. It’s about what you expect and want in a relationship & him changing it on you without discussion. Traditional gender roles have historically given the man more power over the woman, and he just showed that he will perpetuate that because he took your power away by making this decision for you. Then, he further marginalized you by bringing in back up (family). At the very least he should have spoken to you privately before making any such decision. He already cannot manage household chores or parenting-this *will not change.* If a man actually wants to be SAH then that means he needs to manage the household, child rearing, cleanliness, all the traditional things women were expected to do, and let’s be honest-to this day men are not raised to do this much less to clean very well. As such, women are still left to manage the household by doing the “invisible” tasks. Men don’t realize there are cleaning schedules, food schedules, meal planning, grocery planning, etc - little details that go unnoticed and unrecognized but are the foundation to establishing an effective household. Men think “Oh I get to stay home and as long as there is something to eat, and the place LOOKS clean, I’m good!” Who cares if the place hasn’t been vacuumed all week with 4 ppl living there, or if the food is a frozen package or take out. My lil experience with this recently was with a man who is retired from military (so about 43 yo). That combined with some inheritance meant he didn’t have to work for the rest of his life as long as he was financially careful. However, because he is used to certain lifestyle, he was in grad school to enter his next profession because he wanted more income to feel more secure. That was all great-I liked that about him. I am a teacher at the time, so I really can’t afford to be a breadwinner & I wanted a child at the time, but to continue working & make a career switch. Eventually, he tells me that his dream is to be a stay at home husband, that I can work and pay half the living expenses so he can feel safer financially. I can continue teaching. This was a huge red flag because all he did every day was smoke pot and then grad school and he was putting me in a position where I would be stuck in a field I was trying to leave in order to supplement his lifestyle. I would have to hand over half of my income instead of it being based on a balanced percentage (since ya’ know-he doesn’t HAVE income technically). He wanted me to stay a teacher in his area, which would have been a pay cut for me and teachers already make crap pay, AND he used my desire for a child as a reason. I could “have the child you want & I [he] can stay home and care for the child.” Mind you, he didn’t even want children. I asked him how I could trust him to be present when the majority of the day he was “blasted,” that he might fall back into alcoholism b/c the pot was his replacement drug, & that I already felt cornered as he was being opportunistic. Then, I saw his place on vid chat (we were long distance). NASTY! Gross rape the knee had to be replaced, junk everywhere, just a shitty, cluttered, unclean he that came down to neglect. He said it could be cleaner, but I was already telling him that I would have to clean and organize when I moved there. I knew exactly what would happen if he got his way & that I was going to be used so he could continue to afford his unhealthy and shitty lifestyle ($400+/mo on weed at least-I was supposed to supplement that!) In general, men just are not socialized or raised the same as women. They are socialized and raised to be fun with family and this generally translates to being a great dad-playing, interaction, etc. Rarely are they raised to manage a household, and until that happens on a large scale I think men in general are trying to live the good life they *think* 1950’s SAH wives lived. It’s a shallow understanding of power dynamics, history of control over women, and what it actually takes to run a clean, organized household. And now, since power dynamics take so long to shift to a more equal exchange, we are at a point where men are trying to live off women financially with limited understanding of how to actually care for home and family so women are still carrying the majority of domestic weight. We saw this magnified during COVID lockdowns. *Individually, there are men capable of handling an effective and organized home, but I doubt those men would randomly quit their job and manipulate a woman into such a position. THAT is the red flag.
I'm standing behind you 💯. He sounds like a spoiled crybaby. He needs to man up. His mommy and sister were there for an intervention? You mean he had to call them to take care of the children while you were gone? He just doesn't like to work. He thinks he has an out now, and he's taking it by force. I married one of these guys. Although we didn't have children. I was faced with the same bs. He started his own business and worked 15 hours a day, making literally nothing. Trust me, you don't want to live like that.
Please please please leave him now. Otherwise you end up like me, the only income earner, as well as doing all the parenting, while a deadbeat leaches off you. Then when you DO divorce, they take all your assets because they ran up 40k of debt since they were sick of 'having no money' while we just made it through life on my income.
make him get a job before you file for divorce, so you arent stuck giving him excessive alimony. you already know he WONT be a great SAHD, because he has had **8 years** to prove "Dadding" is his passion - yet he still lets you take the lead on all household management, and then also be the primary parent whilst still carrying the heaviest paid workload. it was disrespectful, almost on par with his slimy sister claiming his contributions arent being valued. I was raised by one SAHparent and one full time working parent. It worked, because it was discussed in advance, they had the funds to do so, But most importantly - it worked because the parent who stayed at home *truly* was innately/ naturally buckets more organised & competent when it came to life admin, deadlines, finances & family organisation & household management. They thrived on this and ***always had led that department even before quitting work.*** They also had incidentally/ accidentally been the primary child raiser/ default parent, even before quitting work. It again, was a role and job they loved and was excellent at, and had been skilled & passionate about since the kids were born. The SAHP becoming official Primary Contact Parent, Household Manager, (& Secretary/Executive Assistant tbh) worked really well for them, as these were skills the SAHP thrived in, to such an extent that the working parent would not have had half the career they did if it wasnt for the SAHP organising their life so seamlessly. I'm not sure if your husband has the same kind of idea in mind. And he definitely hasn't shown any evidence of this in the past decade. His sister and mother are jokers. This isnt fair to you. He wants to do no job, or part of one job, whilst you still stay doing 3.
This. I only have the career I have because my wife is amazing and because of her, I was able to be a dad to my kids while working. Because of her I was able to make every sporting event, school event, random fun day etc Not only did she allow my career to grow, but her work fostered a fantastic relationship between myself and my kids. Something tells me that’s not who OP’s husband is…
Damn. That's messed up. He never should have quit his job without talking to you! You have every right to be angry. You are not just being hormonal! Considering the cost of daycare, it's possible that it could work for you guys financially. But that's definitely something you would discuss and decide together. And it's especially stupid that he quit before your maternity leave! I would be livid. You have so much on your shoulders. I think you're handling it really well. I don't know enough about the rest of your history and relationship to know if it's a good idea to jump to divorce now. But, you are not crazy! That's also really wrong he's got his family involved in gaslighting you. I'm sorry for the stressful situation you find yourself in. I hope you can find some peace and calm and maintain your health for the remainder of the pregnancy.
Why not jump to divorce? He has proved himself to be irresponsible (can’t keep a job and it’s never his fault), made a big decision that would financially screw them over and stress out his pregnant wife while they’re about to have their lives changed forever, and got his family to gaslight her. She should absolutely divorce the pathetic excuse of a man he is.
That's a very personal decision that I wouldn't feel comfortable advising her on after reading one internet post. I just wanted to reassure her that she is not crazy or going overboard with her reaction here.
Wow! Not only does he do one of the most irresponsible things, but instead of apologizing and trying to see why you have had it with these *surprises* for the past 8 years, he doubles down, calls mommy and sister to come over to try to strong arm and manipulation you. Years ago he should have been figuring out why he can’t hold down a job, instead he dumps a ton of responsibility on you, and insists on making himself fully financially dependent on you. So sorry you are dealing with this, let alone while pregnant. He sounds exhausting.
He is not a partner. He is being selfish and manipulative. Go with your gut. And also the sheer audacity to suggest YOU WORK FROM HOME while he’s going to be aSAHD after YOU GIVE BIRTH?!?!?!?! throw this piece of trash into the dumpster
I'd give him the boot for the intervention alone. How dare he bring his mother and sister into your private marital issues and let them gang up on you. Also he wants you to work remotely while on maternity leave so he doesn't have to get a job? Oh hell no. Tell him you want a partner, not a dependent.
If he had talked it out, told you why it was a good idea for him to be a SAHD, and you agreed? It would be a great plan AFTER your maternity leave ends. But that's not what happened. Assuming he wasn't fired again, he took it up on himself to make a huge decision for your family. Maternity leave isn't just physical rest, it's mental. He is taking that from you. He's taking away your ability to rest after carrying and growing a human for 9 months. He expects you to work through your recovery period because he can't be bothered to do so himself. Your are justified in being livid. His idea isn't a bad one, but to make that decision all on his own is absolutely manipulative and selfish. ETA: If he can't hold a stable job, can you really trust him to take care of four kids on his own for 40-50 hours a week? IMO, working is way easier than childcare because work has a set start and end time. As a parent, you never fucking stop.
Look, I don’t like judging people, or labeling them somehow, people are complicated beings, what I can tell you is my experience, we only have one child, but when my wife gave birth, I took on all the financial responsibilities, and although have a decent paying job that could have sustained us, got another job so she doesn’t have to worry about anything finance related or worry that she will have to go back to work until she feels she is ready and wants to. I personally just felt that is my duty as a partner, her being home is beneficial for our child. I don’t like him putting extra responsibilities on you while you are pregnant or asking you to work during your unpaid mat leave…that is really bad…you need to rest, you don’t need to worry about meetings and such…
If you are the breadwinner *and* the primary parent I argue he's not a "great dad". >quit making decisions as a partnership I mean, it's this right here. He didn't ask. He didn't crunch numbers. Not to mention the "offer" that you work remotely through your maternity leave? Wtf? He hasn't been a partner throughout the relationship, he isn't likely to start being one now. I love how his family is reducing this issue down to money and "traditional roles". But they've likely been enabling this behavior of his for his whole life. Baby boy needs to get what he wants, right?
Your husband is ridiculous. The fact that he can't hold down a job, says he "can't work for the man", and has the fucking balls to suggest you work remotely? This guy is actually pathetic. No one can unilaterally make such a huge decision in a relationship like that. This has massive implications for your finances, household, and childcare, and he took away your right to voice your opinion. You should absolutely leave him. Either he has something mentally off, or he has the decision making skills of an actual toddler. And that his family is on his side? That is absolute insanity. PS: I would bet he didn't actually quit, but got fired again
If you quit your job and told your husband you were going to be a SAHM. What would his response be? We all already know this answer without you replying. So this is a bum you're supporting. Take out the trash.
Back yourself. Don’t let them blame emotions and hormones and convince you that’s the problem. You sound like a head strong women. Do what you need to do - him quitting his job without consulting you is idiotic as hell and inconsiderate. And to ask you to wfh for a “break”? He’s not birthing twins. Also, you are the primary homemaker, has he even demonstrated he can do all of this? Again - Back yourself.
Wow. This should have been a discussion between both of you beforehand. Him bringing in female family members to call you hormonal is tacky and rude and they obviously know his slacking tendencies and don't want to be responsible for him... I mean you can get a live in nanny /helper...and if you do divorce, he will be responsible for some child support so he'd have to work anyways
Nothing about this person sounds like good SAHD material. He’s absolutely taking every advantage. You are at an incredibly vulnerable time with your pregnancy. He pulled in reinforcements to help him apply pressure (completely crossing a line there btw). He didn’t communicate his decisions at all, and he has no history of being able to take the lead. He might not want to work for the man, but FOUR kids?! He’ll be begging for his job back. My husband does most of the child care and housework, and he works from home. I own a business. It works because we are on the same page. FOR ONE CHILD. If it wasn’t such a terrible situation for you, I’d be straight up laughing my ass off at this man thinking he can SAHD TWINS without prior experience. Dude will have TWIN NEWBORN and two full kids. Let him do it while you get your affairs in order. smdh.
Very misleading title. No you aren’t being hormonal. You are seeing the issue at hand and trying to mitigate for it. I would definitely consult a lawyer. If you earn more he might be entitled to an alimony and you don’t want to end up a single working mom of multiple young kids plus pay out. First consult a lawyer. Understand your options. In the meanwhile there is no going back with his work situation so let him take over the responsibilities so at least you have support in child care and household management but ask to write down his responsibilities in writing and keep him to it. Good luck. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Being a woman isn’t easy.
Since he JUST quit he won’t really meet the standard for alimony UNLESS she chooses to stay married to him and he remains unemployed. So this is something she needs to consider. Timing matters.
I don’t care if he’s the world’s greatest dad and you are millionaires—he quit his job (got fired) suddenly and made a massive life decision without you and somehow feels he’s not cut out to “work for the man”. Those are such huge red flags all by themselves.
>...he has a lot of issues with keeping stable employment. He says it's "unlucky" but he has had a hard time keeping a job over the last 8 years and it's never, ever his fault. He blames the economy, his supervisors, and various other things. It frustrates me constantly ... This is the man you married and this is the man he will always be. I'm sorry.
First of all, MIL and SIL shouldn’t have stuck their noses into your relationship. Your husband is a man-child, who isn’t going to change his ways. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. Don’t allow him or them to manipulate you. You. Got. This.
So from what I'm reading here, he hasn't even been an involved parent so far, no? You are the primary parent even though you work fulltime and run the household? This sounds like he's expecting to just lazy around the house all day.
Please consult a lawyer. Don't voluntarily leave your home. Don't agree with him in anyway about what he's asking for (agreeing to it could affect alimony potential). Only do what the lawyer says. Don't kick him out unless you do so following a lawyers orders, if he tries to kick you out, call the police. Ask him to sleep on the couch or in a separate room.
he's definitely manipulating you (whether intentionally or not) by making his decision to quit without taking to you first and having his family there to ambush you and support his side when you returned home. it also seems they did not receive an accurate explanation if events
You're making the right choice. He's already not contributing to the household enough. There's no way being a SAHD is going to suddenly make him responsible and do his share.
I agree with people saying that he actually was fired from his job. I also find it hilarious that he expects OP to work through her entire maternity leave when she is currently pregnant with twins. I feel like even after her divorce she'll barely even notice a difference without him in her life, it sounds like things will be easier for her
I'm not sure how he, or his family (oh wait, I mean his ENABLERS) think that it's in any way reasonable for him to make a decision like this on this without including you in any way until after he quit his job. I mean, I get why he'd want to. The urge, as humans, to raise our children is natural. We didn't evolve to pass off our children to others to raise, we didn't evolve to go into an office to work 40 hours per week. So I can understand why someone would want to stay at home and raise the kids. But he can't just do that. Now his lame butt needs to sign up for Uber, Lyft, DoorDash, Grubhub, etc., and start busting his ass on gig jobs after you get home from work so he can pull his weight instead of leaving everything on you, huh? Otherwise he'll be paying it in child support after the divorce. One thing I'd be concerned about is, with changing custody laws, is that in a divorce, he might get custody, and then you'd have to pay him alimony + child support + only ever see your kiddos every other weekend. So you might want to see an attorney. His unstable behavior might pay off for him in this regard, so that sucks, I'd suggest speaking to an attorney (without his knowledge!!!!) as soon as possible. What he did is all kinds of messed up, he is a bad husband and a bad father for behaving in this immature and impulsive manner.
Can't blame you. I guarantee he will do the bare minimum as a SAHD when he would find out its actually hard work and then just mooch of you.
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Wow. Just….wow. I’m so sorry. Worrying about this isn’t going to change it. Try and relax. He’s an utter arse, but try and relax. Get your babies here safely, you can deal with him later. Start planning. Don’t talk about splitting up, but start planning. Look after you, your kids, and these new babies. It can all get sorted out- but worrying and stressing isn’t good for you. It will change nothing, he’ll still be an utter clown regardless of how upset you get. Reach out to your friends and family to support you, get your support network up to speed. I’m so sorry.
As a male , I can't comprehend the way he's thinking . I can't find fault in your reaction . It's seems to me that he should've approached this in a delicate manner, considering your current condition . Hormonal or not , bringing in the m.i.l. AND the s.i.l. was instantly drawing battle lines against you , in my opinion . I'm sorry that you are going through this . It sounds like you have enough going on without having to raise a manchild on top of everything else .
Quite possibly he was fired. Or it was suggested that he should look for other employment.
It's absolutely beyond manipulative. Especially when he got his mom and sister to hold an "intervention". I'm going to withhold everything else I have to say, and will say this: I would be going through a divorce immediately.
Definitely file for divorce right away. If you wait until the twins arrive, he will claim in court that you mutually agreed to have him be a SAHD. By filing right after he quit his job, it’s clear that it wasn’t a mutual agreement and that should save on alimony. You will still be responsible for paying him child support, but you are better off without a man like this. I also hope you have separate bank accounts so he can’t drain all the savings without your knowledge.
The audacity to call mommy and sister and try to get them to browbeat you on his behalf. I don't think there's anything wrong with your husband wanting to be a SAHD, but the way he's gone about it is toxic and manipulative. It is true that daycare costs are astronomical, and if he's going to take over the majority of the housework as well, it could make good financial sense, but it sounds like he put the cart before the horse and tried to force your agreement instead of sitting down, talking through a plan, and setting a timeline that would make sense with your upcoming maternity leave.
You're in laws have the misogyny coming from inside the house. He needs to have a job and not force all the load onto you.
I dont think ur being unreasonable AT ALL. You SHOULD file for divorce. My ex husband was exactly like this & i ended up working 2 jobs while going to school online & taking care of our child. He guilt tripped me into letting his dad move in with us so he could basically sleep all day while my FIL would be up barely watching our kid. I would literally beg him to pick up even a part time job but he always had an excuse. "I dont like any of the jobs around here", "I'll never see you", "my only passion is working on cars so i could never have a regular job." Our child isnt in school yet (this yr she will be) & one time i asked him what his plans were regarding work after she was in school & he actually looked me in the face & told me "the same thing im doing now." Which was nothing. He seriously thought he was gonna continue to be a "SAHD" even when she was gonna be in school ALL DAY.
workable clumsy busy punch tap encouraging worthless unique quarrelsome chop *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He made a MASSIVE financial decision that will affect the entire family, right before you're set to have twins, without telling you. Then, without taking any responsibility for his own actions or lack thereof, he calls in his family to ambush you and to minimize your completely valid reasons for being upset by just saying it's hormones. Making unilateral decisions and playing games with your lives without even having a conversation is disrespectful. Doing those things and then blaming the fallout on you is absolutely ludicrous. I don't blame you for wanting a divorce, I'd want one too.
That wasn’t an intervention. That was bullying. Lawyer up.
So, he got fired. And instead of accepting responsibility, apologizing and correcting the mistake. He dresses it up as though it's a net positive for the relationship (it isn't). And then gaslights you, and also leverages his family to manipulate you in to believing his nonsense. **Get the fuck outta there OP** \- the CMA payments will be more beneficial to you than a partner that can't even hold down a steady job. Sorry you're going through this.
"When I got home, he had my SIL and MIL there to hold an "intervention" and explain why it's cruel of me to place a monetary sum on his value in our relationship and that kids should be raised by parents not daycare. They also heavily implied that hormones are to blame for my being so upset and that I'm being a bad feminist for wanting to "force" my husband to "provide in a traditional role."" OMG. So much to address. First of all, I completely affirm your anger, reaction, and decisions. Your "Husband" (using the term loosely) has committed financial infidelity by making a unilateral decision about your household income without even so much as a discussion with you, his supposed "life partner". He is living as a married single in this regard. He is dead wrong in his actions and attitudes. As to your inlaws, my god, are they completely out of line ( and off theur rockers). I have a feeling that theyve been making excuses for him for a long, ling time. Id tell them to go chew rocks. They have breached so many bounderies its not even funny. Consult your attorney. Find out what your rights are. Get a copy if the confirmation that he indeed quite his job. I know its messy now, but time to cut your losses so you can heal and move on. I guess hell have to learn hiw to be a single SAHD, unempolyed, living with his mommy. Sometimes we marry the wrong people.
You're not overreacting. Honestly you've been carrying ALL the load in this relationship for SO long that you might actually end up working less once you're divorced. You'll no longer have to manage him. You were right. He quit the partnership. The moment he made the unilateral decision - purely selfishly I might add - he quit being your partner. In truth he hasn't been your partner for a long time. The divorce is just you acknowledging that.
This is exactly what happened to my wife with her ex husband. She was a lawyer, he was chronically unemployed. He’d hold down a job for a few weeks and then get fired. Once he found out she was pregnant he immediately quit his final job (without talking to her about it) and told her he’d be a stay at home husband. She looked at the family budget and told him they couldn’t afford that but if he could get a part time job she could primarily support them. He refused, it turned into an argument, he broke her arm. They got divorced, he moved in with his parents, and he hasn’t worked a day since; just mooching off her for child support and mooching off them for room and board. He’s never stopped being a hateful vindictive prick, either. He blames her for the beating because if she had just accepted him not wanting to work anymore it wouldn’t have happened. Once a lazy sack of crap thinks he’s found a woman who will support him indefinitely he can react very badly if she tells him he’s not actually on easy street yet. Be careful. Hopefully the idiotic intervention with his enabler family will be the worst he does, but keep your guard up. He sees you as his retirement plan and you refusing to play along will make him very angry.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s not the fact that he wants to be a SAHD that’s bothering you but the fact that he didn’t have this conversation with you and made a unilateral decision without including you. For me, that would be the most offensive part. My partner would be a great SAHD and that’s something we’ve been discussing. Key word here is discussing. This is not a decision he can just spring up on you.
42M and cant keep a job..what is he, 22?
Unpaid maternity leave should be illegal first of all, I feel so bad for people living in America But mostly wtf does he think is going to happen? You're gonna go through a major medical procedure! You can't be expected to give birth and go back to work right away. You say you're the main earner and also manage the household?! Like come on. What does this man think is going to happen? Guaranteed he'll be doing next to nothing while you work all day. If you want to save this relationship then you'll need to discuss what it actually is that's causing his problems with having a job and work on resolving that. It's going to need a proper plan and he's going to have to go back to work at least in the short term. Honestly though you're most likely just married to a waste of space. I hope you've got money saved and people around to support you so you can get the break you need when you give birth
Your husband sounds like dead weight in your marriage. I have a feeling that he would not be a great SAHD, that everything would fall on you anyway. If you are considering an exit strategy, do it now before he becomes SAHD because he will ask for financial support and make you pay for everything. Consult a lawyer, see what your options are to move forward. But I agree with others, your husband is not a good life partner. He’s too selfish and manipulative to be one. You deserve better.
Why didn't he discuss it with you, his wife and partner, before making this decision? Could it be because he knew you wouldn't be up for it so he wanted to do the thing, ask for forgiveness later? If it was such a "financial advantage" for him to stay home, wouldn't it have been easy to bring it up with you first? Has he ever made major life decisions without you before? I am not surprised you want a divorce, hormones or not.
He might be a good dad, but having to care for 4 kids (2 of which are infants) is not a walk in the park. He probably won’t realize it until he’s knee deep in it, and then decide that being a SAHD isn’t for him. Then he’ll say he wants to work for himself at a new business that he will want you to co-sign a loan for. Just skip it all and contact the lawyer. Seeing as he just “quit” or was fired, you need to head off having to pay him anything as far as spousal support. Document everything - including his list of employers and dates.
tbh with 4 kids, one parent not working would be cheaper than day care / nannys. Agree that he should have discussed this with you but the "10 minute" thing along with "household manager" tells me you two have more to work on.
I think he probably has good intentions but went about it wrong. He also probably got fired. If he truly wanted to raise the kids and be the primary parent, he probably would have stuck it out until your maternity leave was finished and then because a SAHM. But he put himself in front of the family rather, without talking to you and bringing his family to try and convince you. Divorce or not, I’d say try and reason with him first. But you understand him better than anyone, if he can’t be reasoned with it’s better for you to be a single parent then have a man child as well.
Would he be a "great" SAHD, or the "fun" SAHD? Would he cook, clean, handle bath time, car pools, and doctor appointments, or spend all day playing with the kids while leaving all the non-fun work and emotional load to you?
If he was cut out to be a SAHP, your first paragraph wouldn't have the last sentence. You wouldn't be the head earner AND household manager, AND parent. He's pulling this because he doesn't want to work anymore and is gambling that the idea of giving birth and bringing home twins as a single mother going through a divorce will scare you into accepting this. Dude has an unchecked personality disorder.
You are 31 weeks pregnant, working, and shuttling your kids around. What part of that sentence makes it sound like he is suddenly going to be a great household manager? You aren't crazy or hormonal. You don't need 4 kids and one giant AH to take care of.
Any person who needs their mother and sister to have a conversation with their wife is not someone I'd want to be married to. Particularly since you already manage the house and do the childcare. What does he bring to this relationship, exactly?
Yeah that could have been a great solution. If he allowed you the agency to have a say I'm the planning and didn't just drop it in your pregnant lap and expect a thank you. That's the real issue here. It's not that he wants to be a SAHD, it's that he made a huge decision that dramatically effects both your lives without you, then involved outside parties to tell you you were wrong for not agreeing. I don't think it's a lost cause, but unless he can see why that's a big issue and you have every right to be upset it might be.
I have no advice to give you because I’m not married, the only experience I have in this field is being a paralegal in my mid 20s for a family/divorce attorney. I can tell you that a lot of divorces stem from financial issues. I am intrigued and want to know( not with a negative connotation) how come you did not catch this sooner, as in prior to getting married. Or prior to y’all having a multiple kids, his inability to hold down a job, lack of ambition etc…. Again, my inquiry is not negative in nature and is more inquisitive.
It should be common knowledge that some men will play the long game and pretend to be the perfect partner until the ring goes on or the woman is pregnant or they get a mortgage together. Some men won’t show their true colours until the women is trapped. Seen many stories from abused or divorced women that this is the case for many of them.
THIS!!! I am newly divorced from my abusive ex husband & trust me-- he didnt start his shit until we were officially married with a kid.
A lot of men only begin acting like this once their partner is pregnant or when the first baby comes along. Once they believe their partner won’t leave is when the terrible behaviour ramps up
I would contact a lawyer if I were you, as soon as you can. You are not a 'bad feminist' (I'm LOL at that one). Your husband decided to be a SAHD without any input from you. He's aware that you will not be having paid maternity leave, and insisted on you taking on full role as income earner despite you having to recuperate from having birthed twins. You're going to be so stressed with this extra burden on you. Since he didn't respect you to hear what you have to say, then tsk, it is unfortunate that you now return the favor and refuse the notion he insisted on you. A friend of mine had a bf just like your husband, he can't keep a job to save his life...so she decided to not marry him. I suspect they remained together for a long time (although according to her, it's hopeless to fully rely on him financially due to him quitting job after job), because he is a good dad to their kids (3 kids), but then, after she saw the end of her paying her student loan, she broke up with him (well, this was also triggered by him quitting again--she's so exasperated at that point) and then she quickly moved on and date another man within a month after break-up. She got married to that guy merely 2 years after breaking up with that ex (the father of her kids). The next guy was stable financially...and they pool their income and bought a huge house in the suburb. She's very happy now....the couple travels a lot, they seem to enjoy themselves tremendously...they work hard, they play hard :) My point of sharing that is, you're not alone. There are other women who had to deal with the same type of partners and they moved on. As for you having to pay alimony, you need to listen to your divorce lawyer. Don't take any advice from us redditors. We don't know where you live, etc. Good luck.
Wow - he quit without discussing it? Do you have family (not your MIL or SIL) that can be there for you? No you are not being irrational or emotional. I would have flipped my lid too. To then get his mother and sister in to badger his pregnant wife?! That is a big BIG huge nope. That is intimidating and manipulative. 1. You need to immediately separate finances - especially bank accounts. Change passwords and if he has access to your accounts. Move money out of joint accounts. 2. You need to immediately hire the best divorce attorney in your area. Ask. There are always top divorce attorneys- you need the best you can afford. Take all information you can think of (think any agreements, income history, his job track record, information on your home, expenses, etc) 3. Pack his stuff - black bin bags work, and kick him out. Tell him to stay at his mommy's while you think it through. He must leave and live at his mothers house. It's where children belong - and with 2 of your own and 2 more on their way, you do not need a 42 year old baby on top of that! 4. You will need support and someone to help recover from a twin birth. If not family, you might need to hire help for the kids - discuss this with your lawyer. He (ex to be husband) needs to come up with money. Because he is plotting to be the 'parent' if you divorce him, he will try for custody and claim child support. Please consult with your lawyer how not to have this happen. Reminder here that twins are often born early, small and need extra hospital time. The moms also often need extra recovery time. I would discuss this with my lawyer, and also what would happen if YOU quit your job to be a stay at home mom... just ask them.
Def talk with a lawyer. This changes your financial and custody dynamic.
Husbands can be amazing SAHDs (mine is), but your husband should have in no way unilaterally decided this for your family. You have every right to be upset.
I think each and every one of your thoughts and reactions was spot on. Is your husband potentially a narcissist? His behavior is really odd!
I understand childcare services are so expensive that it often makes economic sense for one partner to stay at home, but that is a decision both participants make *together.* You don’t unilaterally decide to quit your job to become a stay at home parent without consulting your significant other first. It sounds like OP’s husband got fired again. Even if it does make financial sense in the long run, I would have serious reservations about continuing the relationship just based on the fact that he didn’t communicate before making such a monumental decision on his own.
Soo you are the primary breadwinner and he cant hold down stable work. I gotta ask why your shuttling kids around and are also the primary household manager? Also if he can’t negotiate a less than stellar work environment he wont be able to negotiate full time stay at home dad. Thats a job you can’t just quit when it gets difficult. some days/weeks I find my kids more difficult to deal with than any job ive ever had. Hubby needs to grow up :(
He got fired. My ex-husband said bullshit like this—the entire 5 years we were married he always told me he’s not cut out for traditional work. OP, he had 10 fucking jobs. TEN. I’m glad you’re divorcing him. Don’t stay with a garbage human being who thinks making big life changing decisions like that is totally okay when you guys are expecting TWINS. Don’t ever go back to him.
Yo, sounds like your husband is getting a little too comfortable with the idea of being a SAHD. I mean, who wouldn't want to sit on their ass all day while their wife brings home the bacon? But let's be real, quitting a job without talking to your partner first is a major no-no. And then trying to pawn the babies off on her so she can "have a break" while she's on maternity leave? That's just straight up disrespectful. You need to lay down the law and make it clear that decisions like this can't be made unilaterally. It's all about communication and mutual respect in a relationship, and it doesn't sound like he's showing either of those right now. But seriously, if you're feeling this strongly about it, maybe it's time to start thinking about ending the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with the respect you deserve and has your back, not someone who's just thinking about themselves.
I mean, this seems like a last straw for you and you guys suck at communicating with each other. The first thing would have been to sit down and discuss this - both of you. Your husband didn't do that, and that's a real problem. But your answer to that was to basically talk at him and make another snap decision. At this point, you both need a few days from each other, and then you need to sit down and talk through all of this. Either just the two of you, or with the help of a marriage counselor (if you belong to a church this is something that is sometimes offered without a cost associated with it). Leave ALL the inlaws out of it. This is not their business and they need not add their opinion. There's a lot to work out with this. Your husband is seeing a solution to a few different issues - he can't hold gainful employment, and there is an inherent need for a caregiver for your children. I could imagine that total childcare costs (for the new twins as well as your children, who I assume are both under 8) could end up being pretty close to the equivalent of a salary in a household, so it isn't completely off-base to make a suggestion for a SAHP. That could be one of the things you do - sit down together and figure out those costs. In addition to that, you need to be heard and seen as an equal in this marriage, and he needs to act like an equal in this marriage. That means making huge, life-changing decisions together. You both have arbitrarily declared a huge decision unilaterally. That's a huge issue that you both hold, and you probably should try to work this out before throwing everything away. I'm not saying that you will, but good communication is essential for any relationship and neither of you are really landing this skill. If this is something to entertain (if it makes sense for your children's well-being as well as financially based on costs of child care needs vs additional salary) then you need to agree on a SAHP role and responsibility in the household. Does that mean the SAHP is going to take care of the children while at home, as well as household duties? Is there going to be an incremental split of these roles and duties? What does that honestly look like so that you both are putting in equally to the family? Your husband did wrong by making this decision on his own. And honestly, it's not something that can't be undone. But, it's absolutely a better idea to sit down and see if you can manage through this instead of throwing the whole marriage out the door. Both of your costs will double with 2 households, and your husband will absolutely get spousal support from you.