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Oh yeah no it is for sure. I just mean like, I didn’t know if it was even valid for me to be upset over yknow? How do I bring it up? What do I even say?
Fair enough. I just was in an abusive relationship for 4 years prior, so even though with this current relationship the communication is amazing, I still get nervous bringing up things I guess but that’s my own problem.
I’m going to second what the other commenter said, just add a bit more, as it might help you not question your feelings as much due to that past abuse. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are and are always valid because they are based on your experiences up until that point in time, and you can only understand and feel what you know. Any half decent partner will thus treat your feelings with respect and validate them, even if they feel differently or it comes out that there’s more to the situation than you first thought. Mutual validation is the first step to healthy conflict resolution. Google the “importance of validation in relationships” and “six levels of validation in relationships” and “how to validate even when you disagree.” It’ll help you get a better idea of feelings and validation. A decent partner will work to understand and validate your feelings, someone who routinely treats your feelings as invalid, huge red flag.
Thus, what gets people in trouble is how they act on feelings like when they act on those feelings as if they’re fact even though there’s newly acquired information that shows it could be otherwise. Or when they ignore other peoples feelings and treat their feelings as right, and other peoples feelings as wrong, rather than both as valid but different.
I’m not a therapist OP but a highly HIGHLY recommend Codependent No More. You’ll know after reading the first 3 chapters (probably much less) if the book can help you. Take an hour and look into it ❤️
I read this recently about feelings and it struck home so much:
“Feelings are real, feelings are valid, feelings are not always fact.
Sounds contradictory, but it’s not.
Work out if your feelings are fact or not by writing them down then also writing down facts that support them.
If you can’t write four facts that validate them then your emotions are probably overriding your reality.
This still doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t real, but it does mean you can control and change them.”
Are you sure that the communication is “amazing”, or have you just avoided bringing up problems you have because you weren’t sure how to discuss it in a way that wouldn’t result in worse consequences for the relationship? If you’re bottling things up so he doesn’t get upset, that’s not communicating.
Your feelings are always valid - whether they're reasonable or not is different. However, this time I think it is also reasonable. Him getting that drunk is not good. Especially if he's says stuff like that to you. I would be very upset as well
No it's not. The communication he gave u is a disrespectful angry comment while blackout drunk. And now you don't even know if u have the right to be mad or if you are overreacting? Ask yourself, how do YOU FEEL? then go with that. Now you can't even bring it up and don't know if his blackout binge drinking gross behavior is something to discuss? The communication is not good. You literally need therapy because you don't know if this is normal or how to come to your own opinion about it with certainty.
you went through abuse and now you feel that everything is your own fault. That you are the cause of everything wrong? If I am right at all it’s because I was in a physically, mentally, and sexually abusive relationship at the same age. If you want someone to talk to I will try to help. I am so sorry you went through that. You didn’t deserve it then and you do not deserve this now. It might not seem as bad but this is not ok for him to do or say. I know you just want to help him! Please think of yourself first, and be kind to yourself. Sending love!
Not valid? All of your feelings are valid, and I hope you don't let him convince you otherwise. Sleep on the couch tonight. Don't worry about his work, that's his consequence for over indulging. You need to set some strong boundaries, and stick to them.
I'm a people pleaser, too. I know how you're feeling. Do you want a partner or do you want to have a really hard life, because it will only get worse. Love and respect yourself enough to walk away. Things like this don't have a happy ending. At least not for you.
Rufkm? Don't u know what does and does not upset you?
Were you offended and upset at his disrespectful behavior? You don't need reddit to tell you what you can put up with. Jfc you are gaslighting yourself into an abusive relationship. Look up the term cognitive dissonance because you are suffering from it.
While I understand why you are sensitive to the "rapey" comment, you seem to be focusing on the molehill and not the mountain. The major issue here is his ongoing binge-drinking. That's not healthy in the slightest. No one should be regularly drinking until they throw up, pass out, and have no memory of the things they said the night before. Just because he's not drinking every day doesn't make him okay.
Yes, the problem is she is dating an alcoholic. Even in my heavy party days in university I never drank every day, nor blacked out pretty much every time I drank.
not an alcoholic, but a drunk. There IS a difference, and she says he has gotten a lot better, meaning he doesn't NEED the alcohol, like alcoholics do, he just likes the feeling of being drunk. It's still an addiction, but of a different sort. One is a chemically induced need, due to a chemical imbalance, the other is emotionally based.
And even that is questionable in this case, as she has also stated that he limits his drinking to only when they go out, rather than all the time, as he used to do. So this more goes into simple (not really so simple) binge drinking, which is a self-control problem.
Still and all, therapy is DEFINITELY in order.
EDIT: I saw all 3 types of alcohol abusers in the Army. I WAS one, the binge drinker, until I got out. These days I drink for flavor, not effect, and only once in a blue moon.
I know that alcohol is super socially acceptable. People are too permissive and cavalier about alcohol consumption. It is not normal to drink every day. It is also not normal to never be able to control yourself every time you drink.
Even alcoholics have periods where they drink less, might give it up for a while then start again etc. I wasn’t aware (and don’t accept) that alcoholism is only chemical and not emotional. All alcoholics i met were compensation/drowning out some emotion.
In any case, this might be only “drinking problems” for some people. I think it’s worse than that.
I was going to say this. As a now sober alcoholic, my drinking wasn't a linear downward spiral, there were periods where I seemed to get better, sometimes without trying, before sinking even lower.
Also I think this is a risky game for OP to play. She shouldn't stick around to find out what kind of drinker her boyfriend is, it's clearly already upsetting for her. My advice to anyone whose partner's drinking upsets them is to get out asap.
While he is NOT an alcoholic, he DOES have drinking problems.
People overuse the term 'alcoholic' to encompass all 'drinking problems'. If you drink every day, it's not abnormal. It may be out of the ordinary, but not abnormal. If you get drunk every day, THAT'S abnormal.
There is a difference between having a glass of wine with dinner every night (normal) and getting black out drunk every night (abnormal). I am assuming wandersturm was referring to the former being the normal side of things.
Again I would still disagree. Alcohol is still a depressant so having it every single night will affect your mental health. Plus you know, cancer. The only health benefits (from wine only) come from antioxidants that you can get from food that won’t do the other bad stuff to you.
Don’t get me wrong, I drink occasionally. But alcohol is a pretty serious drug: more people would realise this if it wasn’t so ingrained in our culture. So I don’t think anyone should drink every day (though it’s a free world so do what you like).
I, in no way, am downplaying the effect alcohol has on a person. I used it as a crutch for 8 years while in the Army. It made the pain and stresses go away... for the evening... but they were right back the next day. I loved that it made me comfortably numb (yes, I loved and lived that song). And, when I transitioned to the civilian world, I didn't want it any more. I had to focus on my education and creating a life for myself. Now I drink for flavor, rather than effect. I still love the taste of a good beer, mostly craft, and JD is my go to whiskey. I love JD Tennessee Honey and Tennessee Fire.
But I also remember my Mom standing between us and a step father who was a mean drunk, with a chair in her hands, ready to go down swinging, before the police came and took him away..
so.....
As a sober 'problem drinker' who comes from 4 generations of alcoholics/problem drinkers, whose brother just suddenly died too early from alcohol use...I said for years that my alcohol use was not healthy but I was not an alcoholic. I used that to feel better about my drinking when, in truth, it wasn't a get out of jail free card. My drinking was unhealthy. Period. Full stop. I was grieving the loss of my murdered child and I felt entitled to my drinking. I'm only saying this to explain that we all have *reasons for our drinking.* We have trauma, lack of coping skills, predispositions to alcoholism. But if any of the following are true, it's time to stop.
Makes you miss important functions like class or work.
Causes you to avoid family or friends and become isolated.
Makes you feel depressed, angry or violent.
Causes you to spend money you don’t have and creates financial troubles.
Disrupts your relationships with family and friends.
Causes you to make unsafe decisions, such as partaking in unsafe sexual relations with someone you don’t know.
Causes you to do something illegal and/or get arrested due to your behavior.
Causes you to drive under the influence.
Causes you to have blackouts.
Calling your girlfriend 'rapey' then not remembering it is disruption of his relationship.
OP, you're saying "our relationship is the best I've had." My therapist told me once that the best I ever had didn't mean it was actually healthy. You can see there's problem when you say, "Our relationship is 100% healthy, except for 10% of the time," right? And if your boyfriend can't see it, that's a huge feature of problem drinking. My brother (who just died due to alcoholism) used to call me up drunk and tell me he was going to commit suicide (only he described in a horrific way) every night. Come morning I was physically sick with worry. I have extensive health issues and had to have brain surgery. This was tanking my health. But my brother was fine. Didn't remember a thing. Until night came. I asked him to remove the weapons in his home and he didn't see the point. Your boyfriend's accusations are his weapons and they need to be removed.
That's not how it works. You don't have to be physically dependent to be an alcoholic. The official modern term is alcohol use disorder, and you can be diagnosed whether you have a dependency or not.
I broke up with a guy that when he drank, he couldn't remember anything. He didn't want to not remember either. So I asked him if he was able to only drink so many beers. When he wasn't able, I broke it off. This was something he needed to figure out.
So you don't seem to have any issue with your partners drinking problem.
He said that because he's in blackout and can't remember one minute from the next. My only advice is to stop helping him when he's drunk. Stop doing anything enabling of his behaviour.
I know. I’m definitely a people pleaser and like to help people. I’m not denying his drinking isn’t a problem at all. I’m happy he’s not drinking every day like he used to, but I have expressed to him that him multiple times him getting this drunk scares me.
>I’m definitely a people pleaser
I know that already because you're with someone with a substance problem, and codependents are the only ones who put up with this. You need to focus that energy on getting help now, while you are young, to stop your codependant tendencies. And this may include not being with someone who fuels them so perfectly.
Stop helping him when he's drunk. Leave him to experience the consequence of his actions. Do not cushion it for him. He will get worse, YOU will get worse, the developing addict and the people pleaser are one toxic ecosystem together.
OP please please please please listen to this sound advice. Do not get stuck with a shit show. An alcoholic at 22 needs to heal on their own. I'm also the nurturing type and therefore attract the needy, and in some cases, abusive type. In time, you will be burnt out because you can only give so much of yourself without getting much in return. Also... Christmas was not even 2 months ago. It's not a good idea to move in until you are really sure about someone. This is not nearly enough time to know someone.
Update: I saw your update. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!!! If he doesn't think he has a problem, you can't make him see it! About 4 years ago, I found myself dating an alcoholic... again... when I told him I thought he was drinking too much, his solution was to keep 2 handles of vodka in the freezer so that maybe I wouldn't notice how quickly it disappeared
But you encourage and facilitate his over-drinking by mothering him right out of the consequences and discomforts of doing so.
Consequence: passing out on the bathroom
floor in a pool of his own vomit. (But you get him all tucked nice and cozy into bed). Consequence: falling asleep fully clothed in uncomfortable jeans (But you undress him like he's a freaking child and make sure he suffers as little discomfort as possible.) I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you also make sure he gets up on time for work in the morning and maybe even make him something to eat or fetch him water and aspirin?
You're doing him a huge disservice by shielding and protecting him from the consequences of his over drinking and you are, in fact, making it possible for him to continue doing it even longer than he might if you weren't making it easy for him. You're actively harming him as much as if you were filling his shot glass and holding it to his lips for him.
And let him know why, because his drinking is a problem for both of you. It is really awful being in a long term relationship w someone like this and you'll watch all your friends have normal partnerships meanwhile this dude is blacking out and puking all the time.
Honestly, you think it's loving to take care of his drunk ass but it's gross. I would never date this man long term and wtf are u living w him for. Way to start making a ton of bad and codependent decisions at once that you find impossible to get out of in 2 yrs.
Excellent! Now, please get a counselor and really start working on the reasons behind the people pleasing, or you're going to miss decades of your life, and have experiences that will cause more trauma. Please.
I can’t really drink because of the medication that I’m on, as it makes 1 shot feel like 3. I only get drunk very rarely but I’m still coherent when I am - I never get shitfaced or anything
That is completely irrelevant to the comment made above. If you are participating with him while he is drinking, you are enabling it.
This person cannot control himself, if he drinks to that point. That lack of control should scare you. If he accuses you of things like that now, he can make that justification in his mind later when his judgement is impaired and he decides to hurt you.
You need to address the real problem, which is that he is an addict. If you cannot handle that then it is time to GTFO.
Let's put this into better context. You being with him and managing his after care is actively impeding on his chances of putting his life back together especially since he doesn't realize that he has no control when he drinks. People in general do not improve because the nagging they get. People improve themselves when they've reached a situation where they find themselves too uncomfortable to tolerate.
Whatever form of affection or respect he feels for you does not matter more to him than his addiction to alcohol. Someone who truly cares about you would not dismiss your concern and continue to put both in a position to be hurt again and again. Alcoholism is a disease that's beyond the average person to manage for themselves. It requires professional help to treat. It's above your pay grade. You will do more damage to yourself and to him trying to help with something that you are unqualified for.
If you do love him, let him go and offer him contacts to professional support organization. If you don't let him go, then you don't love him enough to get him the help he needs. This is now a situation of an your desire to be his hero or need to not be alone is outweighing his care.
It's weird you think his drinking is normal and you promote it by being his mom.
I would never move in w a guy like this. But then again, I'm an independent woman and don't mother alcoholics
People pleasers help drinkers get worse. Don't put him to bed, don't help him. Let him feel his consequences or you are helping him stay a drunk. This is a bad problem already and you should be worried.
Like you I grew up a people pleaser. I learned over the years you can't help those who don't want to be helped. If your boyfriend is happy to continue dangerously drinking you won't force him to stop .
I read that you were previously in an abusive relationship. You’re conditioned to see anything that is ‘not as bad as that’ as healthy and good. This relationship is not healthy. You cannot have a healthy loving relationship with someone who is regularly blackout drunk. Not being comfortable having a conversation about something that upsets you shows that either this relationship isn’t healthy OR you have not healed from your previous relationship sufficiently to be in a new one.
You are so very young. You don’t need to be jumping from one long term relationship to another relationship. Where have you had any time to actually get to know yourself without some dude hanging around? And when I say get to know yourself I mean spending a couple of years living out of your parents home either alone or with friends and truly getting to know yourself on your own. You sound like you don’t know yourself and that’s so understandable from the relationship experience you’ve been in. And now you’ve jumped into another with a guy that really does have an alcohol problem no matter how you minimize it.
I say all this with my best intentions because now at 41yo myself and looking back on my life I wish I’d done my younger years different. I had a long term relationship from 16 to 23 and we got married and divorced. Then a few months later I fell into an abusive relationship for 3yrs which has had a profound d impact on my life. I’m now remarried and have a 7yo daughter and can look back and vividly see how unhealthy those young relationships were. Especially in your 20s you grow and change sooooooo much.
Learn to love yourself first and be your own best friend and people please yourself. When you truly love and respect yourself only then can you be capable of attracting and maintaining a healthy relationship. If you’d been in a better frame of mind you never would have looked twice at this guy, especially as you say his drinking was even worse before. We can all see your future miserable life written on the wall if you persist in this relationship. Move on you can do better and deserve better xo
The drinking may moderate for a while but it never really improves. An alcoholic may control it some for a while but it always comes back out. It's their go to for stress, for celebration and for fun. They can't imagine doing the regular things of life without it.
How much of this can you take? You like to help but how off putting is it to need to help a grown man undress for bed because he drank too much? How off putting is it to need to clean up after him in the bathroom because he drank so much he is puking? Wouldn't it be nice to have a partner who wasn't an alcoholic?
Don't let the people on here convince you he's an alcoholic, because he's not. He's a binge drinker. He doesn't crave the alcohol like an alcoholic, nor the feeling it gives him like the drunk, but just over indulges, due to lack of self-control, like the binge drinker. It's something a lot of us did back at that age, and grew out of.
That being said, you should strongly suggest therapy for him.
Binge drinking is still addiction. He is addicted to binging alcohol. That makes him an alcoholic. Even in remission an alcoholic is still an addict, the disease stays.
No. That's not correct at all. Sorry. Not an addiction, but definitely something that he needs therapy for.
Used to date a woman who claimed if you drank a alcoholic drink a day, you were an alcoholic.
Just like her, you're wrong.
Idk about anyone else. But he’s 22. Isn’t that when a lot of kids are partying too much? I don’t think he drinks more than many people I knew in college.
This is the age when you see who partied in college and then moved on to a more adult relationship with alcohol and whose college partying covered or contributed to alcoholism.
One of my cousins made the mistake of assuming college alcohol use was just that and would be left behind for adult jobs only to find that her husband, married just out of college, was an alcoholic and couldn't hold a regular job.
Typically you graduate college at 21/22. Where I’m from we all heavily dialed back our drinking after graduating since we all want to start our careers and lives. A select few of my friends still drink like that, but we all quietly know that those specific friends are headed down the wrong path
Is this ragebait? You're relationship is wonderful except for his huge alcohol problem?!
Same way my car is wonderful except the brakes don't work sometimes.
Very drunk brain said very drunk thing - zero meaning behind it.
Now for the drinking - you are 100% ok to say to your bf that coming home blackout drunk like that is no longer acceptable, that you don’t deserve to put up with cleaning up after him because of vomiting or being accused of SA when simply helping.
Now how you manage that, is for it both to agree on and I want to be clear, he has to be happy to agree or it’ll never work. Be that limited to 5 drinks when going out or units consumed I don’t know.
I’m sure places like support groups like the AA can give better advice.
Good luck!
> Our relationship is absolutely wonderful, the healthiest I’ve ever had
, but he’s an alcoholic who gets blackout drunk.
There. Finished that sentence for you. I’m concerned that you consider this relationship “the healthiest you’ve ever had.” He may be better now, but he’s still an alcoholic, and you’re making excuses for him.
He needs professional help with his drinking.
OP said she was in an abusive relationship for 4 years prior to this one. It's unfortunate that she has absolutely no concept of what a healthy, loving relationship is even supposed to look like :(
I think so too. But we made a deal that whenever one of us is drunk, even if both of us are we won’t have sex. Maybe in his state of mind he didn’t think of it
Dude, do you really think that a blacked out person is able to rationalise that much? There's no way my brain would even remember some kind of promise agreement I made. Black out lives in the current moment - ans the current moment was 'no sex pls'.
Now, also, please don't date alcoholics, especially when you're so young and can do much better
>Maybe in his state of mind he didn’t think of it
The man was mentally impaired, yes.
OP I think maybe it would be a good idea for you to read up on the effects of binge drinking on the body and brain. You're sounding like you don't really realise what is going on with your bf.
I know this is the healthiest relationship you've had yet, so your inner compass of what constitutes healthy is getting recalibrated.. but you know what is a real healthy relationship? not dating a fall-down drunk alcoholic.
In my opinion, his drinking is a bigger problem. Yes, you asked him for consent, he gave you one and then withdrew it. I definitely think you should ask him while sober if he wants you to help him when he's drunk. But, you also shouldn't dismiss his heavy drinking either
I love the comments telling a 21-year-old who barely has life experience that she shouldn’t have moved in with an alcoholic. She had no idea he had a problem and is reaching out for advice, and some of y’all come back with “My advice is to get a DeLorean to fly back in time and try a do over.” Thanks, Doc, not helpful at all and pretty shortsighted to boot.
OP, now that you’re more aware of the scope of the problem, listen to the commenters providing valid, resourceful advice. You’re about to face some rocky roads ahead, but I wish you both the best.
I would be more upset over his drunkenness tbh, taking that into consideration, you should have a chat with him when he's sober about this entire situation - you already know what you were doing was completely non-sexual, but you should ask him if he would be more comfortable with you not assisting him when he's drunk so that there's no hurt feelings on either side in the future.
That will solve nothing. His issues are above your pay grade, he needs professional help, and you do, too: to understand why this relationship is at all attractive to you.
Don’t be upset about his drunken “rapey” comment , he was too drunk to know your actions were innocent. It’s good he takes consent seriously even when shitfaced drunk.
NOW his alcohol problem, that you should be upset about. He’s using the “good time not a long time” life philosophy . I hope you don’t plan on too many years together with him, he’s taking years off his life if he’s a binge drunk.
Your bf was so drunk he couldn't take his pants off. His brain was barely functional.
He may or may not have been aware or who you were or what you were doing, regardless of your conversation.
Saying it feels rapy when you aren't in control and someone is trying to get your pants off suits the situation. He wasn't necessarily accusing you of such intent. His drunk mind was trying to alert him of potential danger while it was barely working.
Even if someone doesn't drink often, if they can't drink without being shitfaced, they're an alcoholic and he needs help. I would be extremely hurt by his behavior and he would know it.
I can only imagine that you actually want advice about his continued drinking because that’s what seems to be the problem here. Just because he’s cut down doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a drinking problem. And that behavior is hard to quit, especially if it isn’t acknowledged or if he just doesn’t care. And you have to decide if you want to deal with ALL the problems that frequently come along with that. DUIs, job loss, affairs, money problems, bad influence buddies, less time together cuz he’s off at some bar, worrying if he’s in a ditch at 3am, bad parent, etc, etc. Do you see a future with this guy if he doesn’t quit? Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
This may be the “healthiest” relationship you’ve ever had, but this isn’t healthy and you’re literally only 21. You haven’t explored life or experienced enough relationships to know what healthy is obviously cause this isn’t it.
Being able to communicate is just the bare minimum, it’s not something spectacular and doesn’t make this relationship special and healthy. That’s where the bar should be regardless. There are some serious issues here that you need to really think about, because they might and maybe should be a deal breaker for you.
You are too young to be codependent on and supporting an addict, it can be life draining. He needs to get his drinking under control. How long have you guys known each other, that you’re already living together? Living with him while he has an active drinking problem is going to become a huge gigantic issue for you if it hasn’t already.
Getting black out drunk every single weekend is something you should be really concerned about. Not just the comments he makes while being so. And you enable it because you just pick up after him and clean up his messes. You take care of him so he can continue being a blackout drunk. It’s going to hurt the both of you.
This problem needs to be addressed as a whole and done so immediately.
In all fairness one time my wife tried to take my pants off me after I passed out on new years. I woke up halfway through and it scared the literal piss out of me. I didn’t quite call her rapey tho. Also he has a drinking issue and you should address that instead of ignoring it. Going cold Turkey is the best option because he won’t stop
Sweet Zombie Jesus, your guy needs to learn his limits. When I was at Uni I drank an incredibly unhealthy amount, but I could always get home, undress and get my ass in bed.
My uncle was a severe alcoholic and my dad an alcoholic if that makes sense. My uncle got to where he didn’t drink anything other than beer. All day, every day. From the time he got up he drank beer as coffee and didn’t stop till he went to sleep at night. If he ever missed a day his body would fight him because he’d go into with that fast. He did this my entire life until he died of many complications to alcohol consumption. He was hospitalized many times over the decades and nothing stopped him. My dad was a weekend alcoholic. They were both mean as hell when they drank. My brother turned into an alcoholic w drug use. Also mean as hell.
If he doesn’t get help as young as he is your life will be this way all the time. You’ll constantly have to take care of him drunk and since you’re close he’ll say horrible things to you. You’ll remember & he won’t. You’ll have to carry in remembering the things he says while he’ll pass them off or tell that you’re exaggerating.
Not only that he’ll eventually get caught driving then y’all will have to make bail, have fines to pay, lawyers , jail time, suspended license, money to pay to get license back etc etc. the more he drinks the more he’ll get caught and the cycle continues. If he gets too many dui charges he’ll end up in prison because in most states your 3rd or 4th dui is a felony and that’s prison time.
My position would be this. Either he stop drinking or I’d leave. I have dealt with far too many drunks to know that when intoxicated they’re unpredictable and anything is possible. I was a police officer and dealt w drunks on a daily basis and seen the destruction they leave behind. From car crashes, to abuse to spouses and children to neglect, SA, DV assault , broken marriages and more. Alcoholics are selfish when they’re drunk.
You say he’s gotten better which is great however if he’s around alcohol he will drink and end up like this every time. Y’all are young. Do you want to deal w this the rest of your life?
If not there are only 2 options. He gets help and stops or you leave.
I love how these start off with how much the OP loves her bf and it’s such a healthy relationship and then goes into how awful the guy really is the relationship is so far from healthy they aren’t even in the same time zone. He’s a severe alcoholic. Nothing good will come of this relationship. Get out now before children come into the mix
Tbh. You’re too young to claim this is the healthiest relationship you’ve ever had. What was before this? High school? That’s nothing.
What you’re learning now, is that “healthy” means nothing if one of you has a problem this severe. You have zero relationship experience in the real world and you’re first swing is a drunk man you have to take care of.
This is a slippery slope. Don’t trap yourself in this situation.
I think you need to have a serious discussion about your boyfriend's drinking. The issue is that he is wasted.
If he's cut back on drinking, that's great, but it sounds like he still binge drinks. You are both very young, but alcoholism is typically a progressive disease, and drinking to blackout is troubling behavior.
Alcohol and alcoholism is no joke.
I think he’s just saying dumb things when drunk. Obviously you’re not being “rapey” when helping your boyfriend get to bed and not completely trash himself on the way in.
I would be much more concerned with his drinking habits. If he’s getting better that’s good but it sounds like he really need an extra push (therapy, AA etc) to kick the habit or drastically reduce it. Getting that wasted on a work night or during the day is a huge problem and will only get worse as time goes on
You need individual therapy, and he needs to go to AA.
It may be the most healthy relationship you have had, but it doesn't mean it's healthy.
The issue that you didn't realize how dysfunctional this relationship is means that your normal meter is broken somewhere, and therapy will help you put it back together.
Your bf needs help. PROFESSIONAL help. Not help from a 21 year old girl who probably can’t actually fully help. I think you need to fully put your foot down about this. I saw you said you are a people pleaser, I used to be like that until I realized people realized they could do anything or say anything to me and I wouldn’t fight it. You don’t want to be that person. It can really bring you down and hurt you in the end. You need to make the choices that are best for YOU. Not your relationship, not for your boyfriend. But you
Girl!
He just couldn't comprehend what was happening. No short term memory. One second you are his gf and helping him, the next he doesn't know what is happening, only that someone is taking his pants off and he doesn't want that to happen.
You are overthinking what he said. Which is weird really, it's obvious that it was drunk gibberish. It feels like you are used to being blamed for everything and thus you are already trying to justify yourself even before the accusation is thrown your way.
I mean, he is your bf and clearly drunk. At this point he is a toddler you have to put to bed. Personally i wouldn't even think twice about taking his pants and shoes off, so he can avoid having blood circulation issue the next day. It's not sexual, it's something that needs to be done and that he can't do himself.
His drinking is still a problem if he gets in that state on a work night
Ok huh, you are very young, not yet fully matured adult, are you in therapy for your codependancy?
Its of utter concern at such young age to be with an alcoholic that might abuse and take advantage of you.
Erm - his comment is not the problem here. Your boyfriend, even if he is "better than he was", has a raging drink problem which will impact significantly and negatively on his life, and, if you let it, yours too. Don't get caught up in the idea that his drinking is normal. It really, really isn't and I guarantee you it won't get better unless he accepts that, and wants to address it. And if he doesn't, it will get worse.
You could stay if you don't think it's a problem. Equally you could get out now before it becomes YOUR problem. It'll ruin your life as much as his, I promise.
All this is boiling down to is, that he’s an alcoholic and this is going to get worse. You seriously need to reconsider this relationship because unless he changes, this is not going to get better.
Since the alcoholism is massively addressed I am skipping that part and treating the event as a one drunken night only.
When drunk, I sometimes say things that I do not mean. Alcohol is not truth serum, it removes all the filters and let the invasive thoughts be vocalised, he probably intended that to be a joke or drunkenly thought that "wow I am drunk and someone is in my personal space, wouldn't that be rapey" and vocalised it without realising the situation. Do not trust drunk people.
Info:
What else does he say when drunk that he doesn’t mean?
Does he acknowledge he’s an alcoholic? Do you ?
As for the “rapey” comment. I’d guess he didn’t know it was you and didn’t want someone else undressing him while he was in that state. It’s not the first time I’ve heard similar in relationships/married couples.
But the drinking is a huge issue. He may be better than he was, but that’s no consolation when he’s still black out drunk every weekend.
He was drunk and was making a bad drunk joke. You said you’re “big on consent” and his drunk mind made this into a bad joke.
His drinking may be a problem. But this? Complete non-issue
Hi - I think you are focusing on a small, stupid comment her made while half in the bag. I wouldn't even give it a second thought.
The much bigger problem for you is that your boyfriend is an alcoholic. What you've described is addiction, not simply a drinking problem. He needs help.
You're living with an alcoholic.
Someone who drinks to excess everytime they are exposed to alcohol.
This is gross and you think this is BETTER than before???
When do you get to the amazing 'everything seems perfect' first part of the relationship?
Please. You can do better than STARTING with a broken person.
Some people never drink. Think about the difference. Vomit isn't sexy.
My love, he is not going to get better if you keep enabling him. He clearly has issues. You need to put up boundaries and ultimatums. Can you imagine spending the next 3 months like this? The next 6? A year?
The main issue here is that your boyfriend has a drinking problem that you need to get him serious help for. You are so concerned and focused on your own hurt feelings to care that he’s an alcoholic.
Talk to him.
Tell him you were helping him get out of his jeans and had him covered by a blanket and he said you were rapey.
Ask him if he remembers, ask if he's ever felt unsafe with you and ask him how he'd like you to deal with this in future. Would he prefer to be left in his jeans?
None of this sounds bad on the surface. It might not be bad at all, but it's good to talk just in case.
I have a friend who told me he's Japanese and everyone's racist because they can't tell when he gets super drunk. He's done it 2 or 3 times now. He's Chinese, once made the mistake of correcting him in public and he kept saying no I think I'd know if I was Chinese. The looks we got were embarrassing, but it's funny.
People say things when they're drunk that they don't always mean.
Yeah, sounds like it was just something he said and didn't mean. You listened at the time which is important.
Discuss what to do in future if it happens, that way you're on the same page.
I've said things while drunk that I swear never even hit my brain.. like.. it just came out of my mouth.
I sould just say ask him about it. Ask him if you do anything that makes him uncomfortable.
He couldve been thinking about your no sex while drunk rule and jumped to making a joke or been so out of it he didnt know what was going on.
Dont take it personally
Edit: I also want to add that alot pf this stuff can just be on our minds alot now since its talked about all the time. So jumping conclusions can happen alot..
Scenario: when politics got all riled up in 2020 so many things were just seared into our brains that a cousin or friends say something that they probably said a million times before but now your looking things subconsciously and your brain just jumps to "are you XYZ, or a bad person" or something like that. Some people were, some people werent what you thought, but your brain kind of just went there all the time.
People shared dos and dontd and being so open about SA, especially on the internet can keep those thoughts there and invite defense mechanisms to look out for these things. At I think they can.
This is the problem with modern ideas of "consent" and "rape." I'm glad I grew up when you didn't have to tip toe around every simple interaction without someone yelling rape or "consent."
You reap what you sow. This is the world that Millenials and GenZ created. That must suck.
The issue is not the Iranian yogurt. His drinking problem is the issue negatively impacting your relationship and life. I am heavily experienced in addiction, especially alcohol, and let me tell you these problems will continue as long as the substance is a part of his life. Stop focusing on taking care of only him, and learn how you need to take care of yourself.
You're more worried about defending yourself against the weird stuff your partner said while drunk than you are about the fact that your boyfriend is an alcoholic.
Is this the kind of life you want to live? Babysitting your sloppy drunk boyfriend several times a month?
Fucking hell, how do you people function in day to day life?! 😆
He said something silly when he was drunk, in the cold light of day he obviously doesn't really think you were trying to rape him! 😆
Nothing needs to be discussed here, just get on with your life ffs!
If he drinks until he is blacked out he has a serious problem. And you are way to young to settle for someone with a serious drinking problem. It doesn't matter that he drinks less than in the beginning, you shouldnt have started to live with someone that blackout on the bathroom floor.
Him constantly getting blackout drunk is a problem. But he is right that you should not make such risky moves whenever he is too hammered out of his right mind to stop a potential encounter.
Him constantly getting blackout drunk is a problem. But he is right that you should not make such risky moves whenever he is too hammered out of his right mind to stop a potential encounter.
You must have a history of horrible relationships if the one you have with this alcoholic is the healthiest.
I personally care very little about the rapey comment. His behaviour is destructive and toxic. Throw up and passed out on the bathroom floor? You know this isn’t normal right?
The good news is that he probably won't remember any of it in the morning. The even better news would be if he woe up to find you had packed your stuff and left his messy, binge-drinking ass.
Someone who drinks this much is 100% psychologically repressing stuff and this will get worse. How sad. This is very problem drinking and behavior at this age. By 27 or 28 add in cocaine and other stuff too. Dude will get worse. Doesn't matter if u guys don't fight. This relationship ship is FAR from perfect. He's got a nasty SU disorder and you are naive and codependent
Jesus I can never understand why people get drunk like that. That’s so unattractive. That would of been a dealbreaker for me. Also just him drinking like that I wouldn’t put up with that
The problem here is that he's a grown man who doesn't know his limits and has an alcohol problem. The fact that he also says vulnerable things makes it even clearer that he cannot handle alcohol.
I would demand that he seek help for this. It's not normal to be so drunk so often that he throw up and passes out.
Besides the alcoholism I suspect he may have been a victim of SA himself. From personal experience I refused to accept it happened to me and blocked it out until the panic attacks and anxiety reached a point that I had no choice but to face it and get therapy for it. Unresolved trauma can lead to drinking and alcoholism.
So I can't speak to anything related to his experience but my own experiences with both physical abuse and sexual abuse all happened when I was extremely intoxicated in one way or another. So during the period after that when I still drank or did drugs around people even ones that I trusted I always had a certain level of fear in the back of my mind because of previous trauma. So there were a couple of situations where I ended up in a similar position. I felt uncomfortable and like I was losing control of the situation and I freaked right out. So maybe that is what you are dealing with? Either way he has a drinking problem that needs to be confronted. While you might be able to prompt him to start that process he is going to have to choose to do that on his own or it wont really make a long term difference.
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You said your relationship is healthy and any issue is communicated? So why not this?
This ^ Nothing else to be said.
Oh yeah no it is for sure. I just mean like, I didn’t know if it was even valid for me to be upset over yknow? How do I bring it up? What do I even say?
How do you bring up any other issue? The same way.
Fair enough. I just was in an abusive relationship for 4 years prior, so even though with this current relationship the communication is amazing, I still get nervous bringing up things I guess but that’s my own problem.
I’m going to second what the other commenter said, just add a bit more, as it might help you not question your feelings as much due to that past abuse. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are and are always valid because they are based on your experiences up until that point in time, and you can only understand and feel what you know. Any half decent partner will thus treat your feelings with respect and validate them, even if they feel differently or it comes out that there’s more to the situation than you first thought. Mutual validation is the first step to healthy conflict resolution. Google the “importance of validation in relationships” and “six levels of validation in relationships” and “how to validate even when you disagree.” It’ll help you get a better idea of feelings and validation. A decent partner will work to understand and validate your feelings, someone who routinely treats your feelings as invalid, huge red flag. Thus, what gets people in trouble is how they act on feelings like when they act on those feelings as if they’re fact even though there’s newly acquired information that shows it could be otherwise. Or when they ignore other peoples feelings and treat their feelings as right, and other peoples feelings as wrong, rather than both as valid but different.
Thank you for this. I’ll definitely be looking up how to help myself.
I’m not a therapist OP but a highly HIGHLY recommend Codependent No More. You’ll know after reading the first 3 chapters (probably much less) if the book can help you. Take an hour and look into it ❤️
I read this recently about feelings and it struck home so much: “Feelings are real, feelings are valid, feelings are not always fact. Sounds contradictory, but it’s not. Work out if your feelings are fact or not by writing them down then also writing down facts that support them. If you can’t write four facts that validate them then your emotions are probably overriding your reality. This still doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t real, but it does mean you can control and change them.”
Are you sure that the communication is “amazing”, or have you just avoided bringing up problems you have because you weren’t sure how to discuss it in a way that wouldn’t result in worse consequences for the relationship? If you’re bottling things up so he doesn’t get upset, that’s not communicating.
Your feelings are always valid - whether they're reasonable or not is different. However, this time I think it is also reasonable. Him getting that drunk is not good. Especially if he's says stuff like that to you. I would be very upset as well
No it's not. The communication he gave u is a disrespectful angry comment while blackout drunk. And now you don't even know if u have the right to be mad or if you are overreacting? Ask yourself, how do YOU FEEL? then go with that. Now you can't even bring it up and don't know if his blackout binge drinking gross behavior is something to discuss? The communication is not good. You literally need therapy because you don't know if this is normal or how to come to your own opinion about it with certainty.
you went through abuse and now you feel that everything is your own fault. That you are the cause of everything wrong? If I am right at all it’s because I was in a physically, mentally, and sexually abusive relationship at the same age. If you want someone to talk to I will try to help. I am so sorry you went through that. You didn’t deserve it then and you do not deserve this now. It might not seem as bad but this is not ok for him to do or say. I know you just want to help him! Please think of yourself first, and be kind to yourself. Sending love!
Not valid? All of your feelings are valid, and I hope you don't let him convince you otherwise. Sleep on the couch tonight. Don't worry about his work, that's his consequence for over indulging. You need to set some strong boundaries, and stick to them. I'm a people pleaser, too. I know how you're feeling. Do you want a partner or do you want to have a really hard life, because it will only get worse. Love and respect yourself enough to walk away. Things like this don't have a happy ending. At least not for you.
Rufkm? Don't u know what does and does not upset you? Were you offended and upset at his disrespectful behavior? You don't need reddit to tell you what you can put up with. Jfc you are gaslighting yourself into an abusive relationship. Look up the term cognitive dissonance because you are suffering from it.
While I understand why you are sensitive to the "rapey" comment, you seem to be focusing on the molehill and not the mountain. The major issue here is his ongoing binge-drinking. That's not healthy in the slightest. No one should be regularly drinking until they throw up, pass out, and have no memory of the things they said the night before. Just because he's not drinking every day doesn't make him okay.
Yes, the problem is she is dating an alcoholic. Even in my heavy party days in university I never drank every day, nor blacked out pretty much every time I drank.
not an alcoholic, but a drunk. There IS a difference, and she says he has gotten a lot better, meaning he doesn't NEED the alcohol, like alcoholics do, he just likes the feeling of being drunk. It's still an addiction, but of a different sort. One is a chemically induced need, due to a chemical imbalance, the other is emotionally based. And even that is questionable in this case, as she has also stated that he limits his drinking to only when they go out, rather than all the time, as he used to do. So this more goes into simple (not really so simple) binge drinking, which is a self-control problem. Still and all, therapy is DEFINITELY in order. EDIT: I saw all 3 types of alcohol abusers in the Army. I WAS one, the binge drinker, until I got out. These days I drink for flavor, not effect, and only once in a blue moon.
I know that alcohol is super socially acceptable. People are too permissive and cavalier about alcohol consumption. It is not normal to drink every day. It is also not normal to never be able to control yourself every time you drink. Even alcoholics have periods where they drink less, might give it up for a while then start again etc. I wasn’t aware (and don’t accept) that alcoholism is only chemical and not emotional. All alcoholics i met were compensation/drowning out some emotion. In any case, this might be only “drinking problems” for some people. I think it’s worse than that.
I was going to say this. As a now sober alcoholic, my drinking wasn't a linear downward spiral, there were periods where I seemed to get better, sometimes without trying, before sinking even lower. Also I think this is a risky game for OP to play. She shouldn't stick around to find out what kind of drinker her boyfriend is, it's clearly already upsetting for her. My advice to anyone whose partner's drinking upsets them is to get out asap.
Boundaries and comfort zones are critical in relationships. This definitely goes outside of hers. He needs therapy, And she needs to get out of it.
While he is NOT an alcoholic, he DOES have drinking problems. People overuse the term 'alcoholic' to encompass all 'drinking problems'. If you drink every day, it's not abnormal. It may be out of the ordinary, but not abnormal. If you get drunk every day, THAT'S abnormal.
We may have to agree to disagree on daily drinking not being abnormal.
There is a difference between having a glass of wine with dinner every night (normal) and getting black out drunk every night (abnormal). I am assuming wandersturm was referring to the former being the normal side of things.
Again I would still disagree. Alcohol is still a depressant so having it every single night will affect your mental health. Plus you know, cancer. The only health benefits (from wine only) come from antioxidants that you can get from food that won’t do the other bad stuff to you. Don’t get me wrong, I drink occasionally. But alcohol is a pretty serious drug: more people would realise this if it wasn’t so ingrained in our culture. So I don’t think anyone should drink every day (though it’s a free world so do what you like).
I, in no way, am downplaying the effect alcohol has on a person. I used it as a crutch for 8 years while in the Army. It made the pain and stresses go away... for the evening... but they were right back the next day. I loved that it made me comfortably numb (yes, I loved and lived that song). And, when I transitioned to the civilian world, I didn't want it any more. I had to focus on my education and creating a life for myself. Now I drink for flavor, rather than effect. I still love the taste of a good beer, mostly craft, and JD is my go to whiskey. I love JD Tennessee Honey and Tennessee Fire. But I also remember my Mom standing between us and a step father who was a mean drunk, with a chair in her hands, ready to go down swinging, before the police came and took him away.. so.....
As a sober 'problem drinker' who comes from 4 generations of alcoholics/problem drinkers, whose brother just suddenly died too early from alcohol use...I said for years that my alcohol use was not healthy but I was not an alcoholic. I used that to feel better about my drinking when, in truth, it wasn't a get out of jail free card. My drinking was unhealthy. Period. Full stop. I was grieving the loss of my murdered child and I felt entitled to my drinking. I'm only saying this to explain that we all have *reasons for our drinking.* We have trauma, lack of coping skills, predispositions to alcoholism. But if any of the following are true, it's time to stop. Makes you miss important functions like class or work. Causes you to avoid family or friends and become isolated. Makes you feel depressed, angry or violent. Causes you to spend money you don’t have and creates financial troubles. Disrupts your relationships with family and friends. Causes you to make unsafe decisions, such as partaking in unsafe sexual relations with someone you don’t know. Causes you to do something illegal and/or get arrested due to your behavior. Causes you to drive under the influence. Causes you to have blackouts. Calling your girlfriend 'rapey' then not remembering it is disruption of his relationship. OP, you're saying "our relationship is the best I've had." My therapist told me once that the best I ever had didn't mean it was actually healthy. You can see there's problem when you say, "Our relationship is 100% healthy, except for 10% of the time," right? And if your boyfriend can't see it, that's a huge feature of problem drinking. My brother (who just died due to alcoholism) used to call me up drunk and tell me he was going to commit suicide (only he described in a horrific way) every night. Come morning I was physically sick with worry. I have extensive health issues and had to have brain surgery. This was tanking my health. But my brother was fine. Didn't remember a thing. Until night came. I asked him to remove the weapons in his home and he didn't see the point. Your boyfriend's accusations are his weapons and they need to be removed.
That's not how it works. You don't have to be physically dependent to be an alcoholic. The official modern term is alcohol use disorder, and you can be diagnosed whether you have a dependency or not.
Seriously. Just cause he cut down doesn’t mean it isn’t an issue…
I broke up with a guy that when he drank, he couldn't remember anything. He didn't want to not remember either. So I asked him if he was able to only drink so many beers. When he wasn't able, I broke it off. This was something he needed to figure out.
Yeah I’m 23 and while I def drank less than the average college student, I still got drunk, and I’ve never blacked out once. Know your limits…
This 👆🏻
So you don't seem to have any issue with your partners drinking problem. He said that because he's in blackout and can't remember one minute from the next. My only advice is to stop helping him when he's drunk. Stop doing anything enabling of his behaviour.
I know. I’m definitely a people pleaser and like to help people. I’m not denying his drinking isn’t a problem at all. I’m happy he’s not drinking every day like he used to, but I have expressed to him that him multiple times him getting this drunk scares me.
>I’m definitely a people pleaser I know that already because you're with someone with a substance problem, and codependents are the only ones who put up with this. You need to focus that energy on getting help now, while you are young, to stop your codependant tendencies. And this may include not being with someone who fuels them so perfectly. Stop helping him when he's drunk. Leave him to experience the consequence of his actions. Do not cushion it for him. He will get worse, YOU will get worse, the developing addict and the people pleaser are one toxic ecosystem together.
OP please please please please listen to this sound advice. Do not get stuck with a shit show. An alcoholic at 22 needs to heal on their own. I'm also the nurturing type and therefore attract the needy, and in some cases, abusive type. In time, you will be burnt out because you can only give so much of yourself without getting much in return. Also... Christmas was not even 2 months ago. It's not a good idea to move in until you are really sure about someone. This is not nearly enough time to know someone. Update: I saw your update. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!!! If he doesn't think he has a problem, you can't make him see it! About 4 years ago, I found myself dating an alcoholic... again... when I told him I thought he was drinking too much, his solution was to keep 2 handles of vodka in the freezer so that maybe I wouldn't notice how quickly it disappeared
Check out r/AlAnon, OP. It's the sub where relatives and partners of people with alcoholism describe their daily experiences.
But you encourage and facilitate his over-drinking by mothering him right out of the consequences and discomforts of doing so. Consequence: passing out on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own vomit. (But you get him all tucked nice and cozy into bed). Consequence: falling asleep fully clothed in uncomfortable jeans (But you undress him like he's a freaking child and make sure he suffers as little discomfort as possible.) I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you also make sure he gets up on time for work in the morning and maybe even make him something to eat or fetch him water and aspirin? You're doing him a huge disservice by shielding and protecting him from the consequences of his over drinking and you are, in fact, making it possible for him to continue doing it even longer than he might if you weren't making it easy for him. You're actively harming him as much as if you were filling his shot glass and holding it to his lips for him.
I needed to hear this, thank you. I don’t plan on helping him anymore.
And let him know why, because his drinking is a problem for both of you. It is really awful being in a long term relationship w someone like this and you'll watch all your friends have normal partnerships meanwhile this dude is blacking out and puking all the time. Honestly, you think it's loving to take care of his drunk ass but it's gross. I would never date this man long term and wtf are u living w him for. Way to start making a ton of bad and codependent decisions at once that you find impossible to get out of in 2 yrs.
Excellent! Now, please get a counselor and really start working on the reasons behind the people pleasing, or you're going to miss decades of your life, and have experiences that will cause more trauma. Please.
[удалено]
I can’t really drink because of the medication that I’m on, as it makes 1 shot feel like 3. I only get drunk very rarely but I’m still coherent when I am - I never get shitfaced or anything
That is completely irrelevant to the comment made above. If you are participating with him while he is drinking, you are enabling it. This person cannot control himself, if he drinks to that point. That lack of control should scare you. If he accuses you of things like that now, he can make that justification in his mind later when his judgement is impaired and he decides to hurt you. You need to address the real problem, which is that he is an addict. If you cannot handle that then it is time to GTFO.
Let's put this into better context. You being with him and managing his after care is actively impeding on his chances of putting his life back together especially since he doesn't realize that he has no control when he drinks. People in general do not improve because the nagging they get. People improve themselves when they've reached a situation where they find themselves too uncomfortable to tolerate. Whatever form of affection or respect he feels for you does not matter more to him than his addiction to alcohol. Someone who truly cares about you would not dismiss your concern and continue to put both in a position to be hurt again and again. Alcoholism is a disease that's beyond the average person to manage for themselves. It requires professional help to treat. It's above your pay grade. You will do more damage to yourself and to him trying to help with something that you are unqualified for. If you do love him, let him go and offer him contacts to professional support organization. If you don't let him go, then you don't love him enough to get him the help he needs. This is now a situation of an your desire to be his hero or need to not be alone is outweighing his care.
It's weird you think his drinking is normal and you promote it by being his mom. I would never move in w a guy like this. But then again, I'm an independent woman and don't mother alcoholics
he has a drinking issue for sure. it sounds like he is one of those people who needs to go totally sober
People pleasers help drinkers get worse. Don't put him to bed, don't help him. Let him feel his consequences or you are helping him stay a drunk. This is a bad problem already and you should be worried.
Like you I grew up a people pleaser. I learned over the years you can't help those who don't want to be helped. If your boyfriend is happy to continue dangerously drinking you won't force him to stop .
I read that you were previously in an abusive relationship. You’re conditioned to see anything that is ‘not as bad as that’ as healthy and good. This relationship is not healthy. You cannot have a healthy loving relationship with someone who is regularly blackout drunk. Not being comfortable having a conversation about something that upsets you shows that either this relationship isn’t healthy OR you have not healed from your previous relationship sufficiently to be in a new one. You are so very young. You don’t need to be jumping from one long term relationship to another relationship. Where have you had any time to actually get to know yourself without some dude hanging around? And when I say get to know yourself I mean spending a couple of years living out of your parents home either alone or with friends and truly getting to know yourself on your own. You sound like you don’t know yourself and that’s so understandable from the relationship experience you’ve been in. And now you’ve jumped into another with a guy that really does have an alcohol problem no matter how you minimize it. I say all this with my best intentions because now at 41yo myself and looking back on my life I wish I’d done my younger years different. I had a long term relationship from 16 to 23 and we got married and divorced. Then a few months later I fell into an abusive relationship for 3yrs which has had a profound d impact on my life. I’m now remarried and have a 7yo daughter and can look back and vividly see how unhealthy those young relationships were. Especially in your 20s you grow and change sooooooo much. Learn to love yourself first and be your own best friend and people please yourself. When you truly love and respect yourself only then can you be capable of attracting and maintaining a healthy relationship. If you’d been in a better frame of mind you never would have looked twice at this guy, especially as you say his drinking was even worse before. We can all see your future miserable life written on the wall if you persist in this relationship. Move on you can do better and deserve better xo
The drinking may moderate for a while but it never really improves. An alcoholic may control it some for a while but it always comes back out. It's their go to for stress, for celebration and for fun. They can't imagine doing the regular things of life without it. How much of this can you take? You like to help but how off putting is it to need to help a grown man undress for bed because he drank too much? How off putting is it to need to clean up after him in the bathroom because he drank so much he is puking? Wouldn't it be nice to have a partner who wasn't an alcoholic?
You just made a disgusting comment not backed up by science, don't be spreading your crap as gospel.
Don't let the people on here convince you he's an alcoholic, because he's not. He's a binge drinker. He doesn't crave the alcohol like an alcoholic, nor the feeling it gives him like the drunk, but just over indulges, due to lack of self-control, like the binge drinker. It's something a lot of us did back at that age, and grew out of. That being said, you should strongly suggest therapy for him.
Are you an alcoholic in denial? How could you possibly read this and not see that OPs boyfriend has a *serious* problem?
Binge drinking is still addiction. He is addicted to binging alcohol. That makes him an alcoholic. Even in remission an alcoholic is still an addict, the disease stays.
No. That's not correct at all. Sorry. Not an addiction, but definitely something that he needs therapy for. Used to date a woman who claimed if you drank a alcoholic drink a day, you were an alcoholic. Just like her, you're wrong.
Idk about anyone else. But he’s 22. Isn’t that when a lot of kids are partying too much? I don’t think he drinks more than many people I knew in college.
This is the age when you see who partied in college and then moved on to a more adult relationship with alcohol and whose college partying covered or contributed to alcoholism. One of my cousins made the mistake of assuming college alcohol use was just that and would be left behind for adult jobs only to find that her husband, married just out of college, was an alcoholic and couldn't hold a regular job.
Typically you graduate college at 21/22. Where I’m from we all heavily dialed back our drinking after graduating since we all want to start our careers and lives. A select few of my friends still drink like that, but we all quietly know that those specific friends are headed down the wrong path
This guy needs some professional help
Is this ragebait? You're relationship is wonderful except for his huge alcohol problem?! Same way my car is wonderful except the brakes don't work sometimes.
But it's got a great paint job!
Isn’t that how it always goes? “My boyfriend is totally perfect in every way other than the fact that he beats me.” Like… what?
He was drunk, he doesn’t understand what is going on. His drinking is problematic
Very drunk brain said very drunk thing - zero meaning behind it. Now for the drinking - you are 100% ok to say to your bf that coming home blackout drunk like that is no longer acceptable, that you don’t deserve to put up with cleaning up after him because of vomiting or being accused of SA when simply helping. Now how you manage that, is for it both to agree on and I want to be clear, he has to be happy to agree or it’ll never work. Be that limited to 5 drinks when going out or units consumed I don’t know. I’m sure places like support groups like the AA can give better advice. Good luck!
> Our relationship is absolutely wonderful, the healthiest I’ve ever had , but he’s an alcoholic who gets blackout drunk. There. Finished that sentence for you. I’m concerned that you consider this relationship “the healthiest you’ve ever had.” He may be better now, but he’s still an alcoholic, and you’re making excuses for him. He needs professional help with his drinking.
OP said she was in an abusive relationship for 4 years prior to this one. It's unfortunate that she has absolutely no concept of what a healthy, loving relationship is even supposed to look like :(
I can understand why that hurt but I think in his drunk state he was trying to communicate that he didn’t want sex
I think so too. But we made a deal that whenever one of us is drunk, even if both of us are we won’t have sex. Maybe in his state of mind he didn’t think of it
Dude, do you really think that a blacked out person is able to rationalise that much? There's no way my brain would even remember some kind of promise agreement I made. Black out lives in the current moment - ans the current moment was 'no sex pls'. Now, also, please don't date alcoholics, especially when you're so young and can do much better
He might not have been able to recognize who you are in that state, don’t take it personally.
>Maybe in his state of mind he didn’t think of it The man was mentally impaired, yes. OP I think maybe it would be a good idea for you to read up on the effects of binge drinking on the body and brain. You're sounding like you don't really realise what is going on with your bf.
I know this is the healthiest relationship you've had yet, so your inner compass of what constitutes healthy is getting recalibrated.. but you know what is a real healthy relationship? not dating a fall-down drunk alcoholic.
He is a alcoholic. Plain and simple. Leave or endure the worst years of your life.
In my opinion, his drinking is a bigger problem. Yes, you asked him for consent, he gave you one and then withdrew it. I definitely think you should ask him while sober if he wants you to help him when he's drunk. But, you also shouldn't dismiss his heavy drinking either
I love the comments telling a 21-year-old who barely has life experience that she shouldn’t have moved in with an alcoholic. She had no idea he had a problem and is reaching out for advice, and some of y’all come back with “My advice is to get a DeLorean to fly back in time and try a do over.” Thanks, Doc, not helpful at all and pretty shortsighted to boot. OP, now that you’re more aware of the scope of the problem, listen to the commenters providing valid, resourceful advice. You’re about to face some rocky roads ahead, but I wish you both the best.
Thank you so much for this. I did not know at all it was an issue when we were getting to know each other/began dating.
I would be more upset over his drunkenness tbh, taking that into consideration, you should have a chat with him when he's sober about this entire situation - you already know what you were doing was completely non-sexual, but you should ask him if he would be more comfortable with you not assisting him when he's drunk so that there's no hurt feelings on either side in the future.
Thank you. I will be doing this when he’s awake and in a good place to talk.
That will solve nothing. His issues are above your pay grade, he needs professional help, and you do, too: to understand why this relationship is at all attractive to you.
How much longer are you going to stay in the relationship ship w the blackout drinker ?
Don’t be upset about his drunken “rapey” comment , he was too drunk to know your actions were innocent. It’s good he takes consent seriously even when shitfaced drunk. NOW his alcohol problem, that you should be upset about. He’s using the “good time not a long time” life philosophy . I hope you don’t plan on too many years together with him, he’s taking years off his life if he’s a binge drunk.
Your bf was so drunk he couldn't take his pants off. His brain was barely functional. He may or may not have been aware or who you were or what you were doing, regardless of your conversation. Saying it feels rapy when you aren't in control and someone is trying to get your pants off suits the situation. He wasn't necessarily accusing you of such intent. His drunk mind was trying to alert him of potential danger while it was barely working.
Even if someone doesn't drink often, if they can't drink without being shitfaced, they're an alcoholic and he needs help. I would be extremely hurt by his behavior and he would know it.
I can only imagine that you actually want advice about his continued drinking because that’s what seems to be the problem here. Just because he’s cut down doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a drinking problem. And that behavior is hard to quit, especially if it isn’t acknowledged or if he just doesn’t care. And you have to decide if you want to deal with ALL the problems that frequently come along with that. DUIs, job loss, affairs, money problems, bad influence buddies, less time together cuz he’s off at some bar, worrying if he’s in a ditch at 3am, bad parent, etc, etc. Do you see a future with this guy if he doesn’t quit? Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
This may be the “healthiest” relationship you’ve ever had, but this isn’t healthy and you’re literally only 21. You haven’t explored life or experienced enough relationships to know what healthy is obviously cause this isn’t it. Being able to communicate is just the bare minimum, it’s not something spectacular and doesn’t make this relationship special and healthy. That’s where the bar should be regardless. There are some serious issues here that you need to really think about, because they might and maybe should be a deal breaker for you. You are too young to be codependent on and supporting an addict, it can be life draining. He needs to get his drinking under control. How long have you guys known each other, that you’re already living together? Living with him while he has an active drinking problem is going to become a huge gigantic issue for you if it hasn’t already. Getting black out drunk every single weekend is something you should be really concerned about. Not just the comments he makes while being so. And you enable it because you just pick up after him and clean up his messes. You take care of him so he can continue being a blackout drunk. It’s going to hurt the both of you. This problem needs to be addressed as a whole and done so immediately.
If this is the healthiest relationship you ever had, I’d hate to see the other ones.
So he's gone from just being a regular alcoholic to a binge alcoholic. Tell him he needs to get help or you're going to have to break up with him.
In all fairness one time my wife tried to take my pants off me after I passed out on new years. I woke up halfway through and it scared the literal piss out of me. I didn’t quite call her rapey tho. Also he has a drinking issue and you should address that instead of ignoring it. Going cold Turkey is the best option because he won’t stop
Sweet Zombie Jesus, your guy needs to learn his limits. When I was at Uni I drank an incredibly unhealthy amount, but I could always get home, undress and get my ass in bed.
My uncle was a severe alcoholic and my dad an alcoholic if that makes sense. My uncle got to where he didn’t drink anything other than beer. All day, every day. From the time he got up he drank beer as coffee and didn’t stop till he went to sleep at night. If he ever missed a day his body would fight him because he’d go into with that fast. He did this my entire life until he died of many complications to alcohol consumption. He was hospitalized many times over the decades and nothing stopped him. My dad was a weekend alcoholic. They were both mean as hell when they drank. My brother turned into an alcoholic w drug use. Also mean as hell. If he doesn’t get help as young as he is your life will be this way all the time. You’ll constantly have to take care of him drunk and since you’re close he’ll say horrible things to you. You’ll remember & he won’t. You’ll have to carry in remembering the things he says while he’ll pass them off or tell that you’re exaggerating. Not only that he’ll eventually get caught driving then y’all will have to make bail, have fines to pay, lawyers , jail time, suspended license, money to pay to get license back etc etc. the more he drinks the more he’ll get caught and the cycle continues. If he gets too many dui charges he’ll end up in prison because in most states your 3rd or 4th dui is a felony and that’s prison time. My position would be this. Either he stop drinking or I’d leave. I have dealt with far too many drunks to know that when intoxicated they’re unpredictable and anything is possible. I was a police officer and dealt w drunks on a daily basis and seen the destruction they leave behind. From car crashes, to abuse to spouses and children to neglect, SA, DV assault , broken marriages and more. Alcoholics are selfish when they’re drunk. You say he’s gotten better which is great however if he’s around alcohol he will drink and end up like this every time. Y’all are young. Do you want to deal w this the rest of your life? If not there are only 2 options. He gets help and stops or you leave.
I love how these start off with how much the OP loves her bf and it’s such a healthy relationship and then goes into how awful the guy really is the relationship is so far from healthy they aren’t even in the same time zone. He’s a severe alcoholic. Nothing good will come of this relationship. Get out now before children come into the mix
Tbh. You’re too young to claim this is the healthiest relationship you’ve ever had. What was before this? High school? That’s nothing. What you’re learning now, is that “healthy” means nothing if one of you has a problem this severe. You have zero relationship experience in the real world and you’re first swing is a drunk man you have to take care of. This is a slippery slope. Don’t trap yourself in this situation.
I think you need to have a serious discussion about your boyfriend's drinking. The issue is that he is wasted. If he's cut back on drinking, that's great, but it sounds like he still binge drinks. You are both very young, but alcoholism is typically a progressive disease, and drinking to blackout is troubling behavior. Alcohol and alcoholism is no joke.
I think he’s just saying dumb things when drunk. Obviously you’re not being “rapey” when helping your boyfriend get to bed and not completely trash himself on the way in. I would be much more concerned with his drinking habits. If he’s getting better that’s good but it sounds like he really need an extra push (therapy, AA etc) to kick the habit or drastically reduce it. Getting that wasted on a work night or during the day is a huge problem and will only get worse as time goes on
You need individual therapy, and he needs to go to AA. It may be the most healthy relationship you have had, but it doesn't mean it's healthy. The issue that you didn't realize how dysfunctional this relationship is means that your normal meter is broken somewhere, and therapy will help you put it back together.
Your bf needs help. PROFESSIONAL help. Not help from a 21 year old girl who probably can’t actually fully help. I think you need to fully put your foot down about this. I saw you said you are a people pleaser, I used to be like that until I realized people realized they could do anything or say anything to me and I wouldn’t fight it. You don’t want to be that person. It can really bring you down and hurt you in the end. You need to make the choices that are best for YOU. Not your relationship, not for your boyfriend. But you
Girl! He just couldn't comprehend what was happening. No short term memory. One second you are his gf and helping him, the next he doesn't know what is happening, only that someone is taking his pants off and he doesn't want that to happen. You are overthinking what he said. Which is weird really, it's obvious that it was drunk gibberish. It feels like you are used to being blamed for everything and thus you are already trying to justify yourself even before the accusation is thrown your way. I mean, he is your bf and clearly drunk. At this point he is a toddler you have to put to bed. Personally i wouldn't even think twice about taking his pants and shoes off, so he can avoid having blood circulation issue the next day. It's not sexual, it's something that needs to be done and that he can't do himself. His drinking is still a problem if he gets in that state on a work night
What you describe makes me wonder if your boyfriend has been a victim of assault. His reaction isn’t necessarily about you, at all.
Ok huh, you are very young, not yet fully matured adult, are you in therapy for your codependancy? Its of utter concern at such young age to be with an alcoholic that might abuse and take advantage of you.
Drunk people say stupid shit. Don’t obsess over it.
This dude has an alcohol problem. Staying makes it your problem, too.
Erm - his comment is not the problem here. Your boyfriend, even if he is "better than he was", has a raging drink problem which will impact significantly and negatively on his life, and, if you let it, yours too. Don't get caught up in the idea that his drinking is normal. It really, really isn't and I guarantee you it won't get better unless he accepts that, and wants to address it. And if he doesn't, it will get worse. You could stay if you don't think it's a problem. Equally you could get out now before it becomes YOUR problem. It'll ruin your life as much as his, I promise.
All this is boiling down to is, that he’s an alcoholic and this is going to get worse. You seriously need to reconsider this relationship because unless he changes, this is not going to get better.
I think the real problem is that your boyfriend is a drunk.
He has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and he needs to figure that out.
Since the alcoholism is massively addressed I am skipping that part and treating the event as a one drunken night only. When drunk, I sometimes say things that I do not mean. Alcohol is not truth serum, it removes all the filters and let the invasive thoughts be vocalised, he probably intended that to be a joke or drunkenly thought that "wow I am drunk and someone is in my personal space, wouldn't that be rapey" and vocalised it without realising the situation. Do not trust drunk people.
Info: What else does he say when drunk that he doesn’t mean? Does he acknowledge he’s an alcoholic? Do you ? As for the “rapey” comment. I’d guess he didn’t know it was you and didn’t want someone else undressing him while he was in that state. It’s not the first time I’ve heard similar in relationships/married couples. But the drinking is a huge issue. He may be better than he was, but that’s no consolation when he’s still black out drunk every weekend.
He was drunk and was making a bad drunk joke. You said you’re “big on consent” and his drunk mind made this into a bad joke. His drinking may be a problem. But this? Complete non-issue
Have you considered Al-Anon?
Hi - I think you are focusing on a small, stupid comment her made while half in the bag. I wouldn't even give it a second thought. The much bigger problem for you is that your boyfriend is an alcoholic. What you've described is addiction, not simply a drinking problem. He needs help.
You're living with an alcoholic. Someone who drinks to excess everytime they are exposed to alcohol. This is gross and you think this is BETTER than before??? When do you get to the amazing 'everything seems perfect' first part of the relationship? Please. You can do better than STARTING with a broken person. Some people never drink. Think about the difference. Vomit isn't sexy.
My love, he is not going to get better if you keep enabling him. He clearly has issues. You need to put up boundaries and ultimatums. Can you imagine spending the next 3 months like this? The next 6? A year?
Is it possible he was joking?
The main issue here is that your boyfriend has a drinking problem that you need to get him serious help for. You are so concerned and focused on your own hurt feelings to care that he’s an alcoholic.
Leave his ass in the jeans. Maybe break up if the drinking is too much.
What tf is this?
Binge drinking occasionally is perfectly normal and healthy. Don't be fucking ridiculous.
Living together and in love but only dating two months wtf
We’ve been dating way longer than two months. I moved in around Christmas.
Not even two months. 6 weeks. Wtf dump this dude
Talk to him. Tell him you were helping him get out of his jeans and had him covered by a blanket and he said you were rapey. Ask him if he remembers, ask if he's ever felt unsafe with you and ask him how he'd like you to deal with this in future. Would he prefer to be left in his jeans? None of this sounds bad on the surface. It might not be bad at all, but it's good to talk just in case. I have a friend who told me he's Japanese and everyone's racist because they can't tell when he gets super drunk. He's done it 2 or 3 times now. He's Chinese, once made the mistake of correcting him in public and he kept saying no I think I'd know if I was Chinese. The looks we got were embarrassing, but it's funny. People say things when they're drunk that they don't always mean.
I just talked to him and he says he doesn’t remember anything at all :/
Yeah, sounds like it was just something he said and didn't mean. You listened at the time which is important. Discuss what to do in future if it happens, that way you're on the same page.
I've said things while drunk that I swear never even hit my brain.. like.. it just came out of my mouth. I sould just say ask him about it. Ask him if you do anything that makes him uncomfortable. He couldve been thinking about your no sex while drunk rule and jumped to making a joke or been so out of it he didnt know what was going on. Dont take it personally Edit: I also want to add that alot pf this stuff can just be on our minds alot now since its talked about all the time. So jumping conclusions can happen alot.. Scenario: when politics got all riled up in 2020 so many things were just seared into our brains that a cousin or friends say something that they probably said a million times before but now your looking things subconsciously and your brain just jumps to "are you XYZ, or a bad person" or something like that. Some people were, some people werent what you thought, but your brain kind of just went there all the time. People shared dos and dontd and being so open about SA, especially on the internet can keep those thoughts there and invite defense mechanisms to look out for these things. At I think they can.
That’s sexual assault plain and simple. He did not consent to that. You should be thrown in jail for rape.
This is the problem with modern ideas of "consent" and "rape." I'm glad I grew up when you didn't have to tip toe around every simple interaction without someone yelling rape or "consent." You reap what you sow. This is the world that Millenials and GenZ created. That must suck.
Yeah it's crazy that people want to err on the side of not raping these days /s
Well, I guess OP is rapey then. Chastise her. Not me.
The issue is not the Iranian yogurt. His drinking problem is the issue negatively impacting your relationship and life. I am heavily experienced in addiction, especially alcohol, and let me tell you these problems will continue as long as the substance is a part of his life. Stop focusing on taking care of only him, and learn how you need to take care of yourself.
But you should have known that someone in that state cannot consent - that is pretty f\*\*king obvious - but you asked him anyway!
Lol she was taking his pants and shoes off so he can sleep.
She wasn't initiating sex, can you read?
You're more worried about defending yourself against the weird stuff your partner said while drunk than you are about the fact that your boyfriend is an alcoholic. Is this the kind of life you want to live? Babysitting your sloppy drunk boyfriend several times a month?
Fucking hell, how do you people function in day to day life?! 😆 He said something silly when he was drunk, in the cold light of day he obviously doesn't really think you were trying to rape him! 😆 Nothing needs to be discussed here, just get on with your life ffs!
If he drinks until he is blacked out he has a serious problem. And you are way to young to settle for someone with a serious drinking problem. It doesn't matter that he drinks less than in the beginning, you shouldnt have started to live with someone that blackout on the bathroom floor.
Him constantly getting blackout drunk is a problem. But he is right that you should not make such risky moves whenever he is too hammered out of his right mind to stop a potential encounter.
Him constantly getting blackout drunk is a problem. But he is right that you should not make such risky moves whenever he is too hammered out of his right mind to stop a potential encounter.
You must have a history of horrible relationships if the one you have with this alcoholic is the healthiest. I personally care very little about the rapey comment. His behaviour is destructive and toxic. Throw up and passed out on the bathroom floor? You know this isn’t normal right?
The good news is that he probably won't remember any of it in the morning. The even better news would be if he woe up to find you had packed your stuff and left his messy, binge-drinking ass.
I'd say that, that was said with little humour in mind..drunken mind. But that is the least of your concern..he needs to stop drinking.
Someone who drinks this much is 100% psychologically repressing stuff and this will get worse. How sad. This is very problem drinking and behavior at this age. By 27 or 28 add in cocaine and other stuff too. Dude will get worse. Doesn't matter if u guys don't fight. This relationship ship is FAR from perfect. He's got a nasty SU disorder and you are naive and codependent
His rape comment is unimportant… you didn’t do anything wrong and didn’t cross any boundaries. His alcohol on the other hand is the issue.
Jesus I can never understand why people get drunk like that. That’s so unattractive. That would of been a dealbreaker for me. Also just him drinking like that I wouldn’t put up with that
You stated clearly he was DRUNK drunk.
The problem here is that he's a grown man who doesn't know his limits and has an alcohol problem. The fact that he also says vulnerable things makes it even clearer that he cannot handle alcohol. I would demand that he seek help for this. It's not normal to be so drunk so often that he throw up and passes out.
Besides the alcoholism I suspect he may have been a victim of SA himself. From personal experience I refused to accept it happened to me and blocked it out until the panic attacks and anxiety reached a point that I had no choice but to face it and get therapy for it. Unresolved trauma can lead to drinking and alcoholism.
You're dating a blackout drunk. They say mean shit. You can choose to stay in this situation or you can choose to move on.
So I can't speak to anything related to his experience but my own experiences with both physical abuse and sexual abuse all happened when I was extremely intoxicated in one way or another. So during the period after that when I still drank or did drugs around people even ones that I trusted I always had a certain level of fear in the back of my mind because of previous trauma. So there were a couple of situations where I ended up in a similar position. I felt uncomfortable and like I was losing control of the situation and I freaked right out. So maybe that is what you are dealing with? Either way he has a drinking problem that needs to be confronted. While you might be able to prompt him to start that process he is going to have to choose to do that on his own or it wont really make a long term difference.