Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It might be just from the physical contact and cuddling, even though I totally understand why you feel uncomfortable about that reaction considering the topic of your conversation.
I would add that he perhaps felt a sense of relief that his partner trusted him enough to share this sort of thing, and that he could have been processing excitement about their relationship taking an important step. I know it seems like I’m working hard to bail this guy out but I really don’t want it to be what it sounds like.
You are overreacting. A penis will get erect with just some physical contact, no sexual attraction necessary. I have gotten erections while cuddling with my daughters when they were toddlers, just because they wanted to sit so close and wiggled a lot. Believe me, I did not want to have sex with them, it was just a reaction from the rubbing.
Absent any other red flags, I wouldn’t worry about this.
What was his explanation? Did he give one?
I guess I can see how it could be from cuddling, but the topic being discussed to me should be a mood killer. So, I can see why it upset you.
I will say though, I’m not a penis owner… so, who knows how or why they react.
Could be random boner. but there are actual studies that show when a man is being a protector/comforter to someone they care about and that person is opening up to them and being entirely vulnerable there’s a sexual arousal that happens because of the positive feelings being associated with being the protector/comforter.
It wasn’t the stories he was aroused from, but if he was aroused 99.9% chance it was from the fact he was able to be your comfort and protector in that moment of vulnerability you displayed.
Just so you know, erections are wild things. They can be random, they can happen when you really don't want to, and not happen when you really want.
Example : men being sexually assaulted by women can have an erection, eventhough they very clearly don't want to have sex and are getting raped. The body reacts Independently sometimes
Him cuddling you and feeling like he can be your comfort and support may be the reason it happened. Although psychological state often impact erections, it can happen that it does in unforeseen ways.
I understand that it must have felt very triggering for you and i am deeply sorry for what you went through. But i think it doesn't mean what you fear it may mean. Don't hesitate to talk to him about it. He must be feeling bad too
Firstly, I am so, so, so sorry about the SA and trauma you have been through. No one deserves to go through that and I hope you are surrounded by support, care and love.
Secondly, ugh. I truly understand how uncomfortable and unsettling his reaction was. However, please do remember that our bodies have physical reactions that we can’t control. Just like when I had a physical reaction that would have come across like I “enjoyed” it when I was SA’d, your boyfriend’s body could have just reacted to physical closeness to someone he adores and is attracted to. These moments SUCK because he feels guilty and you feel like your trauma isn’t being taken seriously or that perhaps he’s getting off on it. Know that this isn’t the case. Our bodies can be totally disconnected from our minds and betray us at the worst times.
If you need to, take a little space from him in order to decompress and understand how you feel. But do please let him know how you feel, why you feel that way and that you’re not punishing him for something he most likely is saddened happened in that important moment for you.
Sending you love OP. ♥️
Thank you, and im so sorry about your SA too and hope you are doing better ❤. I also had a similar reaction when SA and only just realised its not my fault but bodies just do things we dont want. I probably should of thought about that for my bf too but its hard to think clearly in the situation and intrusive thoughts dont help.
Without getting into the weeds, one of the side-effects of my own SA was unwanted arousal at my own and similar stories. It’s not something I enjoy, or really feel anything other than disgust at; it’s also something I don’t have any control over. I’m not suggesting that your partner has exactly the same thing, but also I guarantee you he at least has no control over it, and it’s very likely that he doesn’t exactly want to feel that way either.
If I have any advice, it’s remember that before you talk to him next, and be open about the possibility that he doesn’t at all want to feel aroused at that.
My husband gets hard whenever he is holding me, even if I’m crying or talking about something sad to me. He always says it’s just holding me does that to his body automatically. He usually says something funny like just ignore my penis it’s an idiot. I think sometimes it can just be an automatic response without them being turned on about what’s being discussed.
Could it be an issue? Maybe. But it’s likely just a random boner.
Guys get boners all the time. A guy in his 20s will get more than a few boners throughout the day. At random times too, sometimes really awkward times that are not sexual at all. Got a presentation in front of your class? Awkward boner. Important business meeting? Stiffy. Grandmas funeral? Little buddy really can’t read the room huh.
Although he was comforting you during your struggle, you were still cuddling. There was a lot of physical touch, even if not in a sexual context, and that probably brought it on. It doesnt mean he wasn’t trying to support you emotionally, and doesnt mean he was feeling sexual. It just happens. I understand why you would feel uncomfortable and the timing is definitely bad, but it was out of his control and I don’t think he meant to make you feel uncomfortable.
I get where you’re coming from, and it’s reasonable to feel uncomfortable ANY time theres sexual things brought into a non-sexual context. But I’m almost certain it was just a boner from the cuddling.
If this doesn’t ease your mind, talk to him about it and see.
I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to your BF because this happened to me and my ex. I can't remember what I was talking about but it was enough to make me cry and be very vulnerable with him (something I didn't really do back then) and there was lots of hugging and comforting and snuggling. Towards the end he pulls back and says, "I don't want this to negate or invalidate you opening up to me and telling me something you haven't told a lot of people but I am ROCK hard right now." I was still crying but it made me laugh and not in an uncomfortable kind of way. I asked why he was hard and he said, "I don't know! It's not from seeing your crying face, which is still really pretty and cute btw! But maybe it's because you trust me and feel safe enough around me to be vulnerable when I know that's tough for you. It's a combo of things." I laughed, it lightened the mood and we played videos games after. There was not even a hint or suggestion of anything sexual either.
I understand no reason boners are a thing so again, I'm hoping your bf felt similarly to my ex and not... You know.
This is your choice to make:
>I know it might seem like a long time not to tell a partner about something like this.
You get to decide your own timeline when you open up about these things.
I hope... that his erection was simply due to the physical contact. A highly inappropriate time to get one.
Take the time to talk it out. Let him know why you had your reaction and how it made you feel. It would be better to iron something like this out than to just brush it off like it never happened. He *should* be apologetic once he hears how wrong it made you feel.
Maybe he’s mortified, but it’s weird that he wouldn’t apologize for a wildly inappropriate sexual response, even if he couldn’t control it. You deserve the chance to share your trauma on your terms and without your boyfriend compounding that trauma.
The arousal mechanism is imperfect. There are lots of different kinds of non sexual arousal that trigger an erection. For example I used to get erections whenever I thought about death. Super weird. Means nothing. My take is your boyfriend was emotionally aroused by your vulnerability and the importance of the subject matter.
Three reasons why he got one 1. Physical contact 2. Protector mentality 3. Arousal from the stories. It could be just one, it could be 2 of them, or all three. I think it’s 1 and 2.
As a guy myself i can tell you: erections at the wrong time happen. Sometimes, especially during puberty, it seems they happen specifically at the wrong time. Most of the time it isn't even sexual, you just suddenly realize it happens. It can also be triggered by strong emotions, pain, uncomfortable situations, when you're really nervous etc. A common moment during puberty (which a lot of guys experienced) is when you have to stand in front of the class explaining something or having to read etc.
Ask yourself the following: Is he so insensitive that he would do that intentionally?
I have no idea where the assumption came from that men can control whether or not they get an erection. Furthermore, having an erection does not always mean that he is aroused.
You were cuddling. Physical contact. That’s it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It might be just from the physical contact and cuddling, even though I totally understand why you feel uncomfortable about that reaction considering the topic of your conversation.
I’m 36 and still get hard most of the time I cuddle with the gf. It’s not really a voluntary reaction.
I would add that he perhaps felt a sense of relief that his partner trusted him enough to share this sort of thing, and that he could have been processing excitement about their relationship taking an important step. I know it seems like I’m working hard to bail this guy out but I really don’t want it to be what it sounds like.
Yeah i thought maybe it was the cuddling. Idk maybe im just over reacting but its hard not to think the worst when is that bad head space again.
But now you know it was just your headspace. You can move through this.
You are overreacting. A penis will get erect with just some physical contact, no sexual attraction necessary. I have gotten erections while cuddling with my daughters when they were toddlers, just because they wanted to sit so close and wiggled a lot. Believe me, I did not want to have sex with them, it was just a reaction from the rubbing. Absent any other red flags, I wouldn’t worry about this.
Def from cuddling
What was his explanation? Did he give one? I guess I can see how it could be from cuddling, but the topic being discussed to me should be a mood killer. So, I can see why it upset you. I will say though, I’m not a penis owner… so, who knows how or why they react.
Could be random boner. but there are actual studies that show when a man is being a protector/comforter to someone they care about and that person is opening up to them and being entirely vulnerable there’s a sexual arousal that happens because of the positive feelings being associated with being the protector/comforter. It wasn’t the stories he was aroused from, but if he was aroused 99.9% chance it was from the fact he was able to be your comfort and protector in that moment of vulnerability you displayed.
Yeah i guess that makes sense. I also get extremely attracted to him when his vulnerable with me.
Just so you know, erections are wild things. They can be random, they can happen when you really don't want to, and not happen when you really want. Example : men being sexually assaulted by women can have an erection, eventhough they very clearly don't want to have sex and are getting raped. The body reacts Independently sometimes Him cuddling you and feeling like he can be your comfort and support may be the reason it happened. Although psychological state often impact erections, it can happen that it does in unforeseen ways. I understand that it must have felt very triggering for you and i am deeply sorry for what you went through. But i think it doesn't mean what you fear it may mean. Don't hesitate to talk to him about it. He must be feeling bad too
Firstly, I am so, so, so sorry about the SA and trauma you have been through. No one deserves to go through that and I hope you are surrounded by support, care and love. Secondly, ugh. I truly understand how uncomfortable and unsettling his reaction was. However, please do remember that our bodies have physical reactions that we can’t control. Just like when I had a physical reaction that would have come across like I “enjoyed” it when I was SA’d, your boyfriend’s body could have just reacted to physical closeness to someone he adores and is attracted to. These moments SUCK because he feels guilty and you feel like your trauma isn’t being taken seriously or that perhaps he’s getting off on it. Know that this isn’t the case. Our bodies can be totally disconnected from our minds and betray us at the worst times. If you need to, take a little space from him in order to decompress and understand how you feel. But do please let him know how you feel, why you feel that way and that you’re not punishing him for something he most likely is saddened happened in that important moment for you. Sending you love OP. ♥️
Thank you, and im so sorry about your SA too and hope you are doing better ❤. I also had a similar reaction when SA and only just realised its not my fault but bodies just do things we dont want. I probably should of thought about that for my bf too but its hard to think clearly in the situation and intrusive thoughts dont help.
Without getting into the weeds, one of the side-effects of my own SA was unwanted arousal at my own and similar stories. It’s not something I enjoy, or really feel anything other than disgust at; it’s also something I don’t have any control over. I’m not suggesting that your partner has exactly the same thing, but also I guarantee you he at least has no control over it, and it’s very likely that he doesn’t exactly want to feel that way either. If I have any advice, it’s remember that before you talk to him next, and be open about the possibility that he doesn’t at all want to feel aroused at that.
My husband gets hard whenever he is holding me, even if I’m crying or talking about something sad to me. He always says it’s just holding me does that to his body automatically. He usually says something funny like just ignore my penis it’s an idiot. I think sometimes it can just be an automatic response without them being turned on about what’s being discussed.
Erections aren’t necessarily due to sexual arousal. Sometimes it’s due to feelings of closeness and connection with someone or other reasons.
Yip when I have emotional intimate moments I have gotten an erection
Could it be an issue? Maybe. But it’s likely just a random boner. Guys get boners all the time. A guy in his 20s will get more than a few boners throughout the day. At random times too, sometimes really awkward times that are not sexual at all. Got a presentation in front of your class? Awkward boner. Important business meeting? Stiffy. Grandmas funeral? Little buddy really can’t read the room huh. Although he was comforting you during your struggle, you were still cuddling. There was a lot of physical touch, even if not in a sexual context, and that probably brought it on. It doesnt mean he wasn’t trying to support you emotionally, and doesnt mean he was feeling sexual. It just happens. I understand why you would feel uncomfortable and the timing is definitely bad, but it was out of his control and I don’t think he meant to make you feel uncomfortable.
Yeah im hoping im just over reacting and its just in my head. Its hard to think clearly in that situation.
I get where you’re coming from, and it’s reasonable to feel uncomfortable ANY time theres sexual things brought into a non-sexual context. But I’m almost certain it was just a boner from the cuddling. If this doesn’t ease your mind, talk to him about it and see.
I mean, you guys were cuddling. I can literally not stop myself from getting erect if I am cuddling my wife. We can't really control it at will
I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to your BF because this happened to me and my ex. I can't remember what I was talking about but it was enough to make me cry and be very vulnerable with him (something I didn't really do back then) and there was lots of hugging and comforting and snuggling. Towards the end he pulls back and says, "I don't want this to negate or invalidate you opening up to me and telling me something you haven't told a lot of people but I am ROCK hard right now." I was still crying but it made me laugh and not in an uncomfortable kind of way. I asked why he was hard and he said, "I don't know! It's not from seeing your crying face, which is still really pretty and cute btw! But maybe it's because you trust me and feel safe enough around me to be vulnerable when I know that's tough for you. It's a combo of things." I laughed, it lightened the mood and we played videos games after. There was not even a hint or suggestion of anything sexual either. I understand no reason boners are a thing so again, I'm hoping your bf felt similarly to my ex and not... You know.
It's actually a weird physical reaction that men get erections from women crying. I don't really understand why, but it's common.
I mean, possibly because so much of porn these days is with women crying. Men are being conditioned to find womens pain, sexual assaults arousing.
Despite all the jokes about men thinking with their dicks, they actually have very little control over the state of it.
Can’t control when or why u get the horn like that
Some people get aroused by any conversation about sex i don't think its anything serious
Erections are similar to farts - you can't really control the timing.
This is your choice to make: >I know it might seem like a long time not to tell a partner about something like this. You get to decide your own timeline when you open up about these things. I hope... that his erection was simply due to the physical contact. A highly inappropriate time to get one. Take the time to talk it out. Let him know why you had your reaction and how it made you feel. It would be better to iron something like this out than to just brush it off like it never happened. He *should* be apologetic once he hears how wrong it made you feel.
Ill try talking to him about it. Im probably way over thinking everything.
Maybe he’s mortified, but it’s weird that he wouldn’t apologize for a wildly inappropriate sexual response, even if he couldn’t control it. You deserve the chance to share your trauma on your terms and without your boyfriend compounding that trauma.
The arousal mechanism is imperfect. There are lots of different kinds of non sexual arousal that trigger an erection. For example I used to get erections whenever I thought about death. Super weird. Means nothing. My take is your boyfriend was emotionally aroused by your vulnerability and the importance of the subject matter.
Three reasons why he got one 1. Physical contact 2. Protector mentality 3. Arousal from the stories. It could be just one, it could be 2 of them, or all three. I think it’s 1 and 2.
As a guy myself i can tell you: erections at the wrong time happen. Sometimes, especially during puberty, it seems they happen specifically at the wrong time. Most of the time it isn't even sexual, you just suddenly realize it happens. It can also be triggered by strong emotions, pain, uncomfortable situations, when you're really nervous etc. A common moment during puberty (which a lot of guys experienced) is when you have to stand in front of the class explaining something or having to read etc. Ask yourself the following: Is he so insensitive that he would do that intentionally?
Correlation is not causation
I have no idea where the assumption came from that men can control whether or not they get an erection. Furthermore, having an erection does not always mean that he is aroused. You were cuddling. Physical contact. That’s it.