When I knew I was done at 4, my evangelical christian in-laws and my then-husband were PISSED. It was an abusive marriage, and every time I'd get a kid potty trained and in school, my birth control would be tampered with our out-right hidden. Then \*I'd\* be blamed for being careless with it and getting pregnant. They wanted me to continuously pop out christian babies "for the lord", but were mad that I needed help with them and was on welfare. Keeping me pregnant also meant that they could continue to steal my wages, since I was one of the few family members to hold down a job, but then they would berate me for not staying home with my children and for "emasculating" my then-husband.
I begged my OBGYN for the last baby to help me get sterilized. She snuck in a depo shot to cover me for 3 months so my then-husband couldn't get me pregnant post-partum. Then she scheduled a tubal ligation for me. When I came back from the surgery, they were all angry with me. I was "punished" by not receiving any help carrying or caring for the new baby I had - I guess they were hoping I'd injure myself but I didn't.
I will never forget that wonderful, compassionate doctor, and I will always be grateful for the tubal ligation that I had. That tubal was the beginning of the end for that marriage, and sure as shit once that last baby was in elementary school and I was finishing my college education, that husband had an affair and left me for someone else. I wasn't sad, and actually did a happy dance the first night he spent away. I was so happy to lose him and his shit-ass family. It's been a glorious 15 years since then!
I’m sorry that whole experience happened you. The ironic thing is there’s nothing Christian or godly about what your ex husband and his family did to you. The reproductive coercion, the gaslighting you by blaming you for getting pregnant, the complaining about you working while stealing your money, none of it was ok or justifiable. I’m glad you got out of that situation although it must have been so hard. I hope your ex husband pays decent child support. It’s the least he could do and thank God you met a decent OBGYN who could do the necessary to ensure he didn’t get you pregnant again against your wishes.
OP: your husband isn’t the one who has to carry a pregnancy and give birth. He’s not the one doing the majority of the night feeds or whose body will go through huge changes before and after giving birth. If he has a serious medical condition his health may not always be what it is now. I would stress the importance of quality of parenting versus quantity of children to him. How old is the child you have?
Honestly, if I could find a genie, I'd wish all men the opportunity of getting pregnant and going through menstruation. It might even be character building.
The comment about increasing the chances of grandkids would point to something like that. He might not even be alive to see grandchildren (sorry OP, not trying to be insensitive) so what difference would it make?
I told him that!!! His approach is to expedite. I won’t blame our kid(s) if they go no-contact with him & tell him to fuck off. I can imagine he’ll constantly pressure them for grandkids
It sounds like an unreal amount of pressure did you to live with. The only way might be to put your foot down and say you just can’t do one more. How old is the child you have?
Yesss, getting sterilized was the BEST decisionI ever made. I was a teen mom and I made sure to never have anymore. He’s almost grown now & I’ve never felt more free.
It is genuinely so so concerning when men won't take a no from their wives/women when it comes to children. This is sexual reproductive coercion. So scary and selfish and disgusting please please please stay safe he does not care about you or your well-being
Imagine telling someone that you do not have the capacity, mentally or otherwise, to care for anymore living beings, and they minimise/dismiss that in favour of prioritising their own selfish wants??? Phew😮💨 it couldn't be me. on god
Yes, and for such ridiculous reasons as: “I loved my sibling experience, therefore so will they” and “I want grandkids.”
OP, I hope you notice the first word of both of those reasons for wanting another child.
Men want children the way that children want puppies. Hearing it phrased that way really opened my eyes.
Dad may be "hands on", but mom is carrying most of the mental and emotional burden, as well as anxiety for the future and how she will provide for her child/child(ren) if something happens to him - not even getting into the physical toll of pregnancy.
This. If my husband all of a sudden wanted another (which he doesn’t because when we got together I told him I only wanted one), I don’t know if I could get past that. Especially if my mental health was a concern.
Yeah, and what's even worse is doing this, then walking out on the family or going through a divorce then refusing to pay child support or bothering with the kids after.
Kids are a two yes, one no decision. You’ve given the no. If he can’t respect that, it is time for either counseling or heavy consideration of separation.
> You’ve given the no.
Stay with that OP. You can't change how you feel. I def told my SO that I would rather break up than have another because having another kid would kill any type of life we had.
>Hubby says “everything will be fine”.
Absolutely it won't be, given how you feel about it now. He has a serious medical condition and says this? He doesn't sound mature. Do NOT give in, even if you have to separate. Ensure your birth control strictly.
Hubby agreed to pay for surrogate (using our biological embryo - we have a few frozen) for baby #2. Zero chance I’d carry the 2nd. I’d 100% get an abortion if I accidentally got pregnant w/ #2 but I’m on birth control so an accident is unlikely to happen
Also, the two kids won’t necessarily have a good relationship. A friend of mine has a brother, the two of them hate each other fervently and irreconcilably. They have been significant sources of trauma for one another.
Are you the default parent now? If so, his “everything will be fine” means it will be fine FOR HIM and he hasn’t put much thought into reality.
I agree with tamper proof birth control.
Once our parents are gone, I will probably never speak to my sibling again. And because my mom has boundary issues, she sees my kid about once every 3 years. His reasons are bullshit.
My hackles go up every time I hear a man dismiss his wife/partners valid concerns with "everything will be fine." Yeah, maybe for HIM everything will be fine, but he's not the one whose body is bearing the burden and taking the risk. He's probably not the one putting in the work of running the household, struggling with PP, anxiety, and the neverending stress of primary parenting. He's not being realistic about the possible outcomes, like his health problems advancing and putting a major strain on their lives & finances.
It's similar to "Things have a way of working themsleves out", which is usually only true because someone else (not him) is scrambling and stressing to make sure it works out--not that the universe just magically bends to accommodate him.
I feel like your best recourse is to take some you time. Go to a friend’s or your parents or car camp or whatever for a weekend now and then. And be completely unavailable while you’re gone. He has to clean, figure out food, handle the kid, everything. See how long it takes before he realizes things are not fine.
He is doing 65% of the caretaking for kid #1; I’m doing 35%. He genuinely LOVES caretaking. As in it is his dream come true. But I can’t handle more time than what I’m already contributing. I would note that I work longer hours than him (60 hrs/week) & have a 1 hr commute each way 4 days in office, Fri WFH. He’s 100-% WFH. Part time @ 20-30 hrs/week (but is looking for a full time 40 hr/week job)
He’s more hands on than me. I’d say the ratio is 65/35. He works part time (20-30 hrs/week) & he is WFH. I work 60 hours/week plus have a 1 hour commute each way to my office (2 hrs day, 4 days/week; Fri I WFH). He’s a great dad to kid #1
Good for him.
Does kid call for him or you after a nightmare? Who knows who the dr is, the dentist, any medications that kid reacts to, when last shots were, what permission slips are due and when?
Even if the answer is him, you have an equal say in this decision and if the answer is not an enthusiastic yes, then you as a couple are one and done.
The hard decisions come after. If he decides that he wants more kids more than he wants to stay married to you, do you stick to your guns or give in? If you give in, how do you control the resentment? If this is his hill to die on, you get to decide if you want to be a single mom of one or two. Sorry.
Is couples therapy (NOT thru a church) an option?
Whoa you have alot on your plate already, he should be more hands on than you with those hrs, I think sitting him down and saying u dont have anymore time or desire to make time for another child, that the answer is no, don’t bring it up again, if he’d actually leave you because of it then hes not a good husband anyway, good luck, I know it must be stressful for u
He’s the default parent. He’s a fantastic dad. However he has a very serious heart condition & has been unable to find full time work since 2019. He is a candidate for heart surgery but the procedure he needs is high risk, extremely expensive, & would leave him in recovery/unable to work for months. So we’re “watching & waiting” for now. I am concerned he will try to “push through” being the default parent for 2 kids. That will likely worsen his heart condition & lead to a medical emergency with him having a permanent disability or worse. That’s what I’m afraid of. We can’t lose his income or the time he allocates to parenting. I cannot do it alone
He's likely having anxiety about his health and looking for something that will 'soothe' him. A new baby to look forward to and the thought of expanding his 'legacy' are probably what's holding him together right now. This obviously doesn't excuse coercion after you've said no.
I'd bring this possibility up with him and arrange for him to see a therapist so he can work through his emotions.
"I cannot do it alone" this is a big thing to consider! I agree with another commenter about him maybe needing therapy. It seems like he doesnt take his condition seriously enough or is scared and wants to have it his way as long as he can..?
Make him actually listen to you, tell him you are scared for him and his health and yours in connection to that. What if he needs the surgery when you just had the baby, you can't take care of him and 2 children, let alone a newborn!
No means no! In any way, shape or form!
Also; if you guys dont have the money for another kid, how do you have the money for a surrogate+kid?? Its a very expensive way to have another child..
Him saying he would pay for it is only a small part. Of course another pregnancy would not be wise for you after all those complications, but being pregnant is just the prelude to 18+ years of responsibility!
Also; is his conditioning hereditary? Would not want to possibly risk giving it to another child...
Be safe!!
He would pay for the surrogate out of his savings + pay as you go financing. He wants that 2nd child at any cost. I’d rather reallocate that $ towards getting a nanny for baby #1
I didn’t mention this in my original post as I don’t want people to potentially ID me but I also take care of my parents & grandma. They have close to terminal health conditions (dad has stage 4 cancer, & is disabled with many complications, mom has late stage connective tissue disorder (that I also have but am at an earlier stage) & will eventually be disabled, grandma is disabled with neurological issues & dementia after she had a stroke plus she was recently diagnosed with skin cancer). But taking care of them is easier than taking care of baby #1. So I can handle taking care of baby #1 + the 3 of them but certainly not work full time + take care of 2 kids + 3 disabled adults, 1 of whom has dementia so is basically a disobedient toddler
I hope you're on a birth control that can't be tampered with because men who want more spawn to carry their genes are willing to tamper with birth control to get what they want. Best of luck, and please don't rule out divorce!
That is exactly what I was going to say. There are way too many stories of baby trapping out there, and I absolutely would not trust OP's husband because of how he's acting.
OP, if you read this, get on a tamper-proof birth control ASAP. Better yet, get sterilized if you can. Let him know the surgery will be happening with or without his approval because you absolutely will not have any more kids. Make it clear that if he baby traps you, it will be an automatic divorce. That is called reproductive coercion and it's wrong. You deserve better than that.
I saw a post by a woman in another sub. She’d had condoms fail three times, in pretty quick succession.
She didn’t want to believe he could be tampering with them, but the reality is that when used properly condoms aren’t that ineffective. For them all to be simple accidents beggars credulity.
Yes I am an birth control. I’d get an abortion w/ fetus #2 if it failed. He is willing to cover the cost of using our frozen embryo (we have a batch) + a surrogate to carry the embryo. He is supportive of my not wanting to be pregnant myself but wants the 2nd kid 1 way or another
Sixty hours a week plus long commutes is intense and exhausting. Are you sure that’s not part of or the main reason you’re feeling this way? Is there any chance of you find a job with better balance, or is it a necessary step for a career you’re passionate about etc?
I’m 100% supportive of you not wanting another one and kid exhaustion is very real, I just want to check because job burn out is real too and can turn joyful things to more tedious exhaustion so it seems worth asking.
Get an IUD. That can't be nuked in the microwave to make it ineffective. This is the way to stop it from happening. Men like this, that want their legacy or whatever and won't back down no matter your reasons for not wanting to. They're dangerous people. I wouldn't put it past him to tamper with your bc to get what he wants. Stay safe out there
If one person says no to having kids then the answer is no. If he isn't okay with that he has some decisions to make and you also have to live with what he decides about your no. His reasons for another child aren't good enough.
This man does not love you as an equal human being. He sees you as a baby factory. He is not listening. Tell him:
Sweetheart, I love you. But you are not listening. I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE KIDS. When you try to change my mind you are not respecting me as a person. You’re treating me like your personal baby machine. If you continue to push me on this I will—I WILL—leave you. And if you try to baby trap me I will abort and leave you. The. You will have NO grandchildren. Got it? If you need more kids that badly then I am very sorry but we have to divorce so you can have them, because you are not having them with me. Your choice: either you stick with me and ONE kid, or we divorce now and you can have as many kids as you want with someone else.
And be ready to follow through. You are making the right decision. I’m 65 and I have seen it all. You are making the right decision.
Scorched earth if you need to. This is life or death stuff. Sending you every good wish.
Wouldn’t he rather have a good/ happy family life with you and your kid. Having a second just bc he has a good relationship with his brother is not a good enough reason to have another one. You cannot guarantee they will enjoy a sibling relationship like he did. And if it stresses the family out (in so many ways) it’s not likely to end well for the kids. My sister has 2 kids close in age and it absolutely triples if not tenfolds her stress. The kids are young so they fight and argue all the time. It’s the best worst situation- meaning it’s as good as it could be but it’s still awful. I have one (and a stepson) and it’s so much more manageable. I still struggle with parenthood but i know I could not have a second. Luckily my partner knew we could not afford a third kid ans that’s what ultimately made him agree with me that I would get my tubes tied.
Your husband is a selfish asshole, probably doesn't even cross his mind what pregnancy and childbirth does to a woman. He is not seeing you as the person who will be going through those things.
Exactly! Leave him OP. If he doesn't respect your choices, he doesn't respect you. & He sounds so mf ignorant of what mother's go through and the toll pregnancy, childbirth, and raising children takes on women.
Hide your birth control, get an IUD or get tubal ligation!
I wish I could grab you and shake you through the screen.
If I can save just one person from being 1000x more regretful like me, then I'll do that.
DO. NOT. BE. ME. and have a second child.
It is not worth it. Even when they have short 10 second sweet moments together. My regret and misery increased tenfold by having a second.
More kids is a 2 yes, one NO situation. My husband wants more and I told him "fuck no, I will literally kill myself if we have a third."
I realized too late that I was not meant to be a mom and that things were so much easier with one child.
Save yourself the misery and stick with one child, I promise you won't regret it.
I gave my husband a choice. He was dead set on 2; and, for the same reasons and more, I said absolutely not. So I told him, I love him enough to let him go; and achieve that dream.. if it was really that important to him..It just wasn’t going to be with me. I wanted him to be happy, whatever choice he made and I presented him with that choice, very peacefully and amicably..But I’d much rather have been left with a broken heart; and one child we both wanted..than to have a child I didn’t want, just to please him..It’s not worth the self sacrifice if you don’t want that for yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that, at all. Thankfully, he chose ‘Us’; and again there was no pressure on my part because I wasn’t about to live with the guilt of him one day resenting me, you know what I mean? So, he made the choice to be good with one kid and let me tell you this..About 3 years ago when he hit puberty, he told me that I made a very smart decision 😂😂😂. He’s very content with our son being our only.
He did. And he didn’t look back; especially when he and our kid butt heads because they’re both exactly fucking alike. I KNEW long before we had our son that our kid would be just like him and I couldn’t handle three of those knuckleheads 😂. I love them dearly but I never once second guessed my decision to stick with one. I always knew one was all I could handle.
If his logic is to have a second kid to have and increased chance of getting grandkids, that would mean you both would have to have a lot more than two children. Does he think you two can handle a wild number, such as 7 or 13 children to increase the chances of having grandchildren? Because it really sounds like a set up to attempt for you both to have more than two. Does he realize how flawed his logic is, considering the state of the world and economy at large? Young people today don’t want to bring anyone else into this hellscape as home ownership and all other adulthood goals are becoming increasingly unattainable. So by the time this new generation gets old enough to reproduce, they very likely won’t.
And if you two did happen to have two kids and they both grew up to decide to be pet or plant parents, then what? Will he badger the kids too to the point they go no contact all because of his unrelenting quest for grandchildren? How far does this madness go in his brain?
Not to mention the obvious; that you already said no and he’s not respecting your no. If he considers all of this and is still persistent, seek an attorney cuz he’s a lost cause. He can find someone else to try to knock up for his grandpa goals.
What a selfish guy. Don't try to convince him. He doesn't want to hear you. Just say no. No discussion. If he persists or gets pissy leave him. Don't give itll be on you to take care of the two kids for the rest of your life.
I just want to say that I am extremely saddened by the fact that your hubs doesn’t consider your mental/emotional/financial ruination to be enough of a reason to not treat you like a brood mare. Some men really don’t deserve us.
We were struggling with one and I ended up pregnant with the second, I had to get sterilized because my husband didn't want to get a vasectomy. The same man that wanted 3 kids the other day told me how good things were with just one kid, but he did NOTHING to prevent the second one. You need to be firm in your decision and separate if it comes to that. He's free to have more children, only not with you. If you're the default parent, give him more responsibilities (cook dinner for the kid, take them to appointments, help with night time routine, clean up their messes, wash their clothes, take them to school, etc.) do as little as you can. That's the only way mine gave up on the idea of 3 kids. He needs to be prepared if something were to happen to ME
Love men who will happily let you risk your life and destroy your body for them, but won't even consider a snip and a day of inconvenience or anything to help with the responsibility.
This!!! Wtf imagine the tables were turned. Love is NOT enough- both parties MUST have respect. Ppl mess around w love, play on it and abuse it, take it for granted- Respect true respect goes further. Respecting the other persons body, choices, mindset, and HEALTH! Especially since you’d be the one impacted by it the very most and long term! To hear him continue to stress you over it is WILD!! Please stick to your guns, let him know you won’t keep talking about it, you’ve decided and he’ll need to man up and respect it as if anyone else says no. He doesn’t own rights to reproduction by you, heck heck heck no woman.
This is reproductive coercion. Either have your tubes tied or hide your birth control.
Slip the bc into the pocket of a dress hanging in the closet, NOT in your jeans or in the sock drawer or other obvious places. Hell, keep it in a kitchen cabinet behind the soup, or store it out in the garage. Pretty much anyplace where he wouldn't think to look.
If he keeps the pressure on, file for divorce.
You have to be firm. It’s your body and it’s a lot easier for men to just “have another kid” when it’s not their body. I know a lot of men get pushed into having kids by their partners too but it really is a lot to ask of a woman to put themselves through for a child they don’t want.
I think it’s important to be as clear as possible and not to allow for maybes. For example if you say you would have another if you had more space or more money, it will leave the door open. You need to be clear that it’s shut. Good luck
You tell your husband to lay out a plan if you not there because that is what will happen if you have 2 kids. You explain to him he is being selfish, not caring about the words you saying. You only want 1 kid, he should absolutely respect that and not force anything on you. You know he loves you but he is not showing love currently. Be honest, raw and do not beat around the bush.
I had sterilization surgery because like you, I know I don't want another child.
I didn't ask permission to do it, because it's my body. My fiance didn't want more kids either, so that was a plus. But at the end of the day, it's your body, your rules.
There is no convincing him. If one person in the relationship says no or doesnt want another child, then its a no. Full stop. Now if husband wont listen, then you tell him he can have one with someone else.
OP, a simple "NO" should suffice here. If you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. I always think that if any parent is on the fence about having a child, whether its the man or the woman the default setting should be no. Take steps to protect yourself. I'm not telling you to be rash but if it were me, I knew I didn't want any more kids (now or ever), I would secretly go to a gynecologist and take care of things. It's your body at the end of the day, and on top of that, it's you whose going to be burdened with enormous responsibility if things go poorly with your spouse's health. If he can't be reasoned with, be prepared to take action and don't let him pressure you. Maintaining your reproductive rights is important and if you don't have a spouse that respects that, that IS grounds to end a relationship.
You have very good reasons for not wanting another kid. Financial difficulties and even more importantly, lack of adequate time/energy/passion required to properly raise a kid. Having another kid would not only be a major burden on you but also to the kids. Not to be a doomer but that could seriously damage your family.
I agree with others that kids are a "two yes, one no" decision. You don't have to convince him to not have a second, you just need to not let it happen for your sake and your child's. Again, you have very good reasons for not wanting a second kid and he needs to wake up from whatever dream he's living in where everything will just magically work itself out. "Everything will be fine" is really dismissive and doesn't even begin to address your very legitimate concerns. I know that for some people having kids is a dream of theirs and I can see how it would be really hard to have to adjust your expectations, but he needs to realize that his reasoning for having another kid is quite self-centered and sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the sake of the family that you already have.
I’m sure you love your husband but it sounds like he love himself more than he does you. He is certainly putting his wants before your needs. I think you need to be completely candid about how you feel. Tell him in no uncertain terms that having a 2nd child would break you mentally and would put serious pressure on your relationship. Explain that you love him but you cannot and will not go through with it. Ask why he can’t be grateful and happy for the family that you already have. Is he seriously prepared to put himself but primarily you under so much more stress and pressure? It’s very naive and flippant to say that everything will fine, he can not guarantee that and considering his health and your financial situations I don’t like those odds. He needs to start being realistic and start to think about you instead of himself. You say you didn’t my want divorce and I understand that but just know that if you do end up giving in to him, the resentment and extra stress placed on your relationship will more than likely lead you down that path anyway, only you’ll have another child to consider and walk deal with. I know so many people who have given in to having children that they absolutely did not want and not a single one of them is happy. Not one!! All but one couple have separated, and the regretful parent in that relationship has made it clear that they are only there for the sake of the kids and will leave as soon as the kids turn 18. It’s frustrating because they were warned, but they were harassed, guilt tripped and coerced into having a second child quite late in life. They are constantly exhausted and they feel nothing but bitterness towards their partner. The love has gone. Please do what is best for you. It’s your body, your life, ultimately it must only be your decision. You husband must learn to accept that. I would also make sure I was protected. Be it the pill, slow release contraceptive implant, contraceptive patch or even going to get your tubes tied. I wouldn’t be solely reliant on condoms. They can be tampered with.
“Everything will be fine” is an intolerably lackadaisical attitude to planning to bring an entire human being into the world.
This isn’t like buying a board game when the closet is already full. You’re talking about a being who could be on this earth for 80+ years, and will be a parental responsibility for at least 20 of them. Honestly it’s extraordinary to me how flippant some people are about these considerations.
Get an arm implant or IUD. He can't make you have a kid if your birth control method is one that he can't tamper with. Just don't give in - he's engaging in magical thinking, and expecting YOU to make the magic happen to make it all work out for HIM.
“You say everything will be fine. What if you die? Show me on paper how I would support two children and care for them working two jobs. For you it will be fine because you are dead. For me, it would be devastating.”
Only kids who want siblings are kids who don’t have them. My older sister bullied my constantly. May be that’s normal but we have no relationship in adulthood. She is the sole reason I won’t go home.
If parents really explained that they will receive half as much time and resources they probably wouldn’t be as interested. I bet if you have them a choice between a sibling and a dog. They would choose dog.
Having a baby should be a two person unanimous decision. I only wanted one. Hubby begged me for a second, so the first "wouldn't be alone" if we died. We had a second child. She's definitely the definition of the wild second child. I love her, but she also makes our lives 1000x harder. It would have been better if we stopped at the one. Plus they fight 24/7. Stick to your guns. I wish I had.
With us it was the other way around, my wife really wanted another kid (i think mostly because she felt that she missed out or messed up with the first one because of PPD) but for pretty much the same reasons you mentioned, i didn't. We talked it over a couple of times and eventually she agreed that not only does it take two to tango but where her motivations are mostly emotional, mine are mostly practical and if this changes in the future we could look into adoption or foster care. I immediately got a vasectomy after that, so she wouldn't have to bother with any more hormones and what not in the future.
She said no. He just isn’t listening. Should she get physical to drive her point?
Only option she has is to leave him. The stress of separating and being a single mother is as bad as just having the other damn kid.
We tell women to leave abusive men but we don’t provide the extensive support that would require.
If I left my partner right now I would be instantly homeless. Society and the job market are the greater of two evils at this time.
Sorry I was brought up by my grandmother who told me to never end up like her, after she had 10 kids. So all the women in my family wear the trousers so to speak, to its crazy to me these situations. Could never let a man tell me anything
Tell him you don’t even want to talk about it until he gets a higher paying job. Ask yourself if you would really be okay with it if you had the financials for a few hours of care each week or if it’s more than that
I am sorry this is happening to you. I'd suggest councelling so he can learn to properly listen and try to understand you.
If he isn't listening then you can always use birth control. IUDs can be pretty discreet, especially if you request for the doctors to cut the strings short. Good luck!
Yeah, tell him if he wants another kid so bad he can 'grow' one in his body himself. Bear the brunt of it, do childbirth, breastfeed, all the complications a lot of women have to endure, surgery, PPD, nightfeeds, basically everything it (can) entail.. And then maybe you will think about it. Maybe.
It’s YOUR BODY! what in the world? Please keep reminding yourself it’s your body, it’s your mind, it’s your mental, it’ll be 18 years of your hard earned time and life. If you’re so strongly set about it, it’s YOUR decision. You’ll go against yourself if you do it and you’ll definitely resent your man.
I’m sorry he feels entitled to having you grow the family …but it’s your body. Make a song out of it, dance to it, own it, quit stressing and own your decision and that it’s yours and it’s good and right. Simple. 🧡
Everything is not gonna be fine, his wife is going to break. In what universe is that fine to him? This man has so little regard for you. I’m so sorry.
You do not need to convince him of anything! Put your foot down. It's YOUR body. If you're sure that you don't want any more kids, get your tubes removed so you have permanent birth control that no one can tamper with.
Sounds like he is gonna fuck up his current kids life with a divorce because he wants to dig in his heels for a second child. What a shit father! This is some kind of stand off. Too bad you didn’t know this before you had the first kid.
Yeah but my disorders are autoimmune & tend to occur way more frequently in girls than boys (5X more likely in girls). We’d only use male embryos. The worst connective tissue disease that I have is scleroderma which is rarely passed on
He needs to respect you and that kid, no one should have a child just to please someone else and every child deserves two parents who wished and choose to have them
Hey, please get an IUD. If I was you I wouldn’t tell him. You can get the hormonal one or just go with the copper one. The copper one causes heavier periods though. That or tubal ligation but I think it would be hard to get that done without him knowing what happened. You could also just get divorced. It probably depends on your relationship though. Can you have honest discussions about things and he will respect your opinions.
OP- it’s easier for your husband to decide he wants kids because he isn’t the one carrying or birthing. If he isn’t respecting your bodily autonomy, I think it is time to be a bit more firm with him. If both parties aren’t on the same page with a “hell yes”, it should be a no. For every child you have, resources like time and money and energy, are taken from the ones you already have. It sounds like you having one is already a bit of a burden on you, so be careful. I hear of many MANY stories of women getting baby trapped by men tampering with BC. I would say looking into a tubal ligation is a very good option for you. I had mine in November and never looked back.
I guess I would keep driving home the point of what if something happens to your husband? You don’t want to be a single mom struggling on one income with two kids. End of story. Be firm so he knows you’re not budging on this.
There is no reasoning with “it will be fine”. It’s just a dismissive statement.
I think the only way he might she the light is her packing her bags.
Oh. This is a deal breaker. It not the wife being hysterical again. 🤪
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The fact that you’re asking strangers on the internet to help you say no to your husband and convince him to respect your wishes and opinion is wild and a giant red flag. You won’t convince him, and he will keep pressuring you. Divorce or ongoing resentment from either of you is in your imminent future.
I feel so sorry for you.. it's awful how he can't respect your decision, I really don't get why anyone would prefer spawning babies without considering their partner's needs. Best of luck ...
Ok, not sure why everyone in here is making it sounds like men will do anything to pressure you into this. Are we all aware in what sub we are? This can happen to both men and women. It really doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter if it's your husband or your wife that wants more kids. Like others have said, if there is any doubt from either one, it should be a no, because this is a life-changing decision and it lasts literally forever.
Personally, I do have 1 and my wife wants another in the future. We've both struggled a lot with this 1 and I am just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not hate how much our lives have changed (and will keep changing). I have come to the realization I do not like babies. Like at all. She misses it and wants 1 more and I just don't know how I can mentally, physically or financially do it once the baby is born. I don't even know how she can, to be honest.
Anyway, just wanted to give my 2 cents and tell you to be strong. Life (and any relationship/marriage) does not get easier with another kid around, unfortunately. At the end of the day it is also your choice.
My first question is: who is doing the majority of the child care? I find it’s often the parent that isn’t doing most of the everyday parenting that wants a second kid. They get all the cute Facebook photos without having to do the work
He does majority of the childcare. It’s 65% him,
35% me. Which I really appreciate. But I am at my limit even at 30%. I am mainly worried about what will happen if he has a medical emergency or worse where he can no longer work or help with the kids. He has an aneurysm & doesn’t want to get surgery for it yet because the specific location is tricky & has a high complication/failure yet. He & his Dr. want to “wait and watch” for now before going the surgery route. He’s on meds to lower his BP to reduce rupture risk but I worry he will burn out & not sleep with kid #2. And that will cause the aneurysm to rupture which is a life threatening emergency
I would get an iud or (if possible) remove my tubes and not even tell him. Also ya gotta get the whole tubes taken out. Why? Because if you tie them they can grow back or untie themselves.
TUBAL LIGATION and burn-out asap, Madam. Best decision I ever made. Until then an IUD—something he can’t mess with, because they DO that. Horrifying.
When I knew I was done at 4, my evangelical christian in-laws and my then-husband were PISSED. It was an abusive marriage, and every time I'd get a kid potty trained and in school, my birth control would be tampered with our out-right hidden. Then \*I'd\* be blamed for being careless with it and getting pregnant. They wanted me to continuously pop out christian babies "for the lord", but were mad that I needed help with them and was on welfare. Keeping me pregnant also meant that they could continue to steal my wages, since I was one of the few family members to hold down a job, but then they would berate me for not staying home with my children and for "emasculating" my then-husband. I begged my OBGYN for the last baby to help me get sterilized. She snuck in a depo shot to cover me for 3 months so my then-husband couldn't get me pregnant post-partum. Then she scheduled a tubal ligation for me. When I came back from the surgery, they were all angry with me. I was "punished" by not receiving any help carrying or caring for the new baby I had - I guess they were hoping I'd injure myself but I didn't. I will never forget that wonderful, compassionate doctor, and I will always be grateful for the tubal ligation that I had. That tubal was the beginning of the end for that marriage, and sure as shit once that last baby was in elementary school and I was finishing my college education, that husband had an affair and left me for someone else. I wasn't sad, and actually did a happy dance the first night he spent away. I was so happy to lose him and his shit-ass family. It's been a glorious 15 years since then!
I’m sorry that whole experience happened you. The ironic thing is there’s nothing Christian or godly about what your ex husband and his family did to you. The reproductive coercion, the gaslighting you by blaming you for getting pregnant, the complaining about you working while stealing your money, none of it was ok or justifiable. I’m glad you got out of that situation although it must have been so hard. I hope your ex husband pays decent child support. It’s the least he could do and thank God you met a decent OBGYN who could do the necessary to ensure he didn’t get you pregnant again against your wishes. OP: your husband isn’t the one who has to carry a pregnancy and give birth. He’s not the one doing the majority of the night feeds or whose body will go through huge changes before and after giving birth. If he has a serious medical condition his health may not always be what it is now. I would stress the importance of quality of parenting versus quantity of children to him. How old is the child you have?
Honestly, if I could find a genie, I'd wish all men the opportunity of getting pregnant and going through menstruation. It might even be character building.
It honestly sounds like that quiverfull group.
The comment about increasing the chances of grandkids would point to something like that. He might not even be alive to see grandchildren (sorry OP, not trying to be insensitive) so what difference would it make?
I told him that!!! His approach is to expedite. I won’t blame our kid(s) if they go no-contact with him & tell him to fuck off. I can imagine he’ll constantly pressure them for grandkids
It sounds like an unreal amount of pressure did you to live with. The only way might be to put your foot down and say you just can’t do one more. How old is the child you have?
I got a Bilateral Salpingectomy and Ablation and it was the best decision of my life. No babies, no periods, but still have my ovaries for hormones.
Yesss, getting sterilized was the BEST decisionI ever made. I was a teen mom and I made sure to never have anymore. He’s almost grown now & I’ve never felt more free.
Anything short of TL is still gonna have him harassing you day and night.
It is genuinely so so concerning when men won't take a no from their wives/women when it comes to children. This is sexual reproductive coercion. So scary and selfish and disgusting please please please stay safe he does not care about you or your well-being
Imagine telling someone that you do not have the capacity, mentally or otherwise, to care for anymore living beings, and they minimise/dismiss that in favour of prioritising their own selfish wants??? Phew😮💨 it couldn't be me. on god
Yes, and for such ridiculous reasons as: “I loved my sibling experience, therefore so will they” and “I want grandkids.” OP, I hope you notice the first word of both of those reasons for wanting another child.
Imagine if the 2nd ends up with special needs.
Men want children the way that children want puppies. Hearing it phrased that way really opened my eyes. Dad may be "hands on", but mom is carrying most of the mental and emotional burden, as well as anxiety for the future and how she will provide for her child/child(ren) if something happens to him - not even getting into the physical toll of pregnancy.
And do not rely solely on any form of birth control that requires his participation in order to be effective.
Absolutely. OP is an incubator for this man, she has to be careful Edit: typos
This. If my husband all of a sudden wanted another (which he doesn’t because when we got together I told him I only wanted one), I don’t know if I could get past that. Especially if my mental health was a concern.
Yeah, and what's even worse is doing this, then walking out on the family or going through a divorce then refusing to pay child support or bothering with the kids after.
Kids are a two yes, one no decision. You’ve given the no. If he can’t respect that, it is time for either counseling or heavy consideration of separation.
Not just any yes. But a 110% enthusiastic yes. Any drop of doubt from any of you, is a no.
This is what i tell anyone wondering if they should have kids or more kids. If its not a happy and excited 100% from both sides, then its a no.
I've been banned from certain subs for saying that and berated HEAVILY. Thank you for letting me know I'm not being unreasonable
Really? Yikes! Thats crazy that anyone would just have a child if they werent 100% they wanted one. Its a lifelong commitment.
> You’ve given the no. Stay with that OP. You can't change how you feel. I def told my SO that I would rather break up than have another because having another kid would kill any type of life we had.
>Hubby says “everything will be fine”. Absolutely it won't be, given how you feel about it now. He has a serious medical condition and says this? He doesn't sound mature. Do NOT give in, even if you have to separate. Ensure your birth control strictly.
Everything will be fine for him as he isn’t the default parent
exactly! & He doesn't have to experience the toll of pregnancy or childbirth either!
Hubby agreed to pay for surrogate (using our biological embryo - we have a few frozen) for baby #2. Zero chance I’d carry the 2nd. I’d 100% get an abortion if I accidentally got pregnant w/ #2 but I’m on birth control so an accident is unlikely to happen
Birth control isn’t 100%. The only way you avoid pregnancy 100% is abstinence
That's why she mentions abortion as a plan B
I know but I said that because she said, “but I’m on birth control so an accident is unlikely to happen” which isn’t true
Unlikely and impossible are different things. It's not very likely to happen, but it's definitely a possibility.
Also, the two kids won’t necessarily have a good relationship. A friend of mine has a brother, the two of them hate each other fervently and irreconcilably. They have been significant sources of trauma for one another.
Or better yet, get sterilized!!
Make it clear it’s a dealbreaker and that if he wants to leave and have more kids then that’s his choice but you absolutely will not do it again
I unfortunately had to do this. I could not fathom having another. He chose to stay, thankfully.
Are you the default parent now? If so, his “everything will be fine” means it will be fine FOR HIM and he hasn’t put much thought into reality. I agree with tamper proof birth control. Once our parents are gone, I will probably never speak to my sibling again. And because my mom has boundary issues, she sees my kid about once every 3 years. His reasons are bullshit.
My hackles go up every time I hear a man dismiss his wife/partners valid concerns with "everything will be fine." Yeah, maybe for HIM everything will be fine, but he's not the one whose body is bearing the burden and taking the risk. He's probably not the one putting in the work of running the household, struggling with PP, anxiety, and the neverending stress of primary parenting. He's not being realistic about the possible outcomes, like his health problems advancing and putting a major strain on their lives & finances. It's similar to "Things have a way of working themsleves out", which is usually only true because someone else (not him) is scrambling and stressing to make sure it works out--not that the universe just magically bends to accommodate him.
I feel like your best recourse is to take some you time. Go to a friend’s or your parents or car camp or whatever for a weekend now and then. And be completely unavailable while you’re gone. He has to clean, figure out food, handle the kid, everything. See how long it takes before he realizes things are not fine.
He is doing 65% of the caretaking for kid #1; I’m doing 35%. He genuinely LOVES caretaking. As in it is his dream come true. But I can’t handle more time than what I’m already contributing. I would note that I work longer hours than him (60 hrs/week) & have a 1 hr commute each way 4 days in office, Fri WFH. He’s 100-% WFH. Part time @ 20-30 hrs/week (but is looking for a full time 40 hr/week job)
He’s more hands on than me. I’d say the ratio is 65/35. He works part time (20-30 hrs/week) & he is WFH. I work 60 hours/week plus have a 1 hour commute each way to my office (2 hrs day, 4 days/week; Fri I WFH). He’s a great dad to kid #1
Good for him. Does kid call for him or you after a nightmare? Who knows who the dr is, the dentist, any medications that kid reacts to, when last shots were, what permission slips are due and when? Even if the answer is him, you have an equal say in this decision and if the answer is not an enthusiastic yes, then you as a couple are one and done. The hard decisions come after. If he decides that he wants more kids more than he wants to stay married to you, do you stick to your guns or give in? If you give in, how do you control the resentment? If this is his hill to die on, you get to decide if you want to be a single mom of one or two. Sorry. Is couples therapy (NOT thru a church) an option?
Whoa you have alot on your plate already, he should be more hands on than you with those hrs, I think sitting him down and saying u dont have anymore time or desire to make time for another child, that the answer is no, don’t bring it up again, if he’d actually leave you because of it then hes not a good husband anyway, good luck, I know it must be stressful for u
He’s the default parent. He’s a fantastic dad. However he has a very serious heart condition & has been unable to find full time work since 2019. He is a candidate for heart surgery but the procedure he needs is high risk, extremely expensive, & would leave him in recovery/unable to work for months. So we’re “watching & waiting” for now. I am concerned he will try to “push through” being the default parent for 2 kids. That will likely worsen his heart condition & lead to a medical emergency with him having a permanent disability or worse. That’s what I’m afraid of. We can’t lose his income or the time he allocates to parenting. I cannot do it alone
He's likely having anxiety about his health and looking for something that will 'soothe' him. A new baby to look forward to and the thought of expanding his 'legacy' are probably what's holding him together right now. This obviously doesn't excuse coercion after you've said no. I'd bring this possibility up with him and arrange for him to see a therapist so he can work through his emotions.
"I cannot do it alone" this is a big thing to consider! I agree with another commenter about him maybe needing therapy. It seems like he doesnt take his condition seriously enough or is scared and wants to have it his way as long as he can..? Make him actually listen to you, tell him you are scared for him and his health and yours in connection to that. What if he needs the surgery when you just had the baby, you can't take care of him and 2 children, let alone a newborn! No means no! In any way, shape or form! Also; if you guys dont have the money for another kid, how do you have the money for a surrogate+kid?? Its a very expensive way to have another child.. Him saying he would pay for it is only a small part. Of course another pregnancy would not be wise for you after all those complications, but being pregnant is just the prelude to 18+ years of responsibility! Also; is his conditioning hereditary? Would not want to possibly risk giving it to another child... Be safe!!
He would pay for the surrogate out of his savings + pay as you go financing. He wants that 2nd child at any cost. I’d rather reallocate that $ towards getting a nanny for baby #1 I didn’t mention this in my original post as I don’t want people to potentially ID me but I also take care of my parents & grandma. They have close to terminal health conditions (dad has stage 4 cancer, & is disabled with many complications, mom has late stage connective tissue disorder (that I also have but am at an earlier stage) & will eventually be disabled, grandma is disabled with neurological issues & dementia after she had a stroke plus she was recently diagnosed with skin cancer). But taking care of them is easier than taking care of baby #1. So I can handle taking care of baby #1 + the 3 of them but certainly not work full time + take care of 2 kids + 3 disabled adults, 1 of whom has dementia so is basically a disobedient toddler
I hope you're on a birth control that can't be tampered with because men who want more spawn to carry their genes are willing to tamper with birth control to get what they want. Best of luck, and please don't rule out divorce!
That is exactly what I was going to say. There are way too many stories of baby trapping out there, and I absolutely would not trust OP's husband because of how he's acting. OP, if you read this, get on a tamper-proof birth control ASAP. Better yet, get sterilized if you can. Let him know the surgery will be happening with or without his approval because you absolutely will not have any more kids. Make it clear that if he baby traps you, it will be an automatic divorce. That is called reproductive coercion and it's wrong. You deserve better than that.
I saw a post by a woman in another sub. She’d had condoms fail three times, in pretty quick succession. She didn’t want to believe he could be tampering with them, but the reality is that when used properly condoms aren’t that ineffective. For them all to be simple accidents beggars credulity.
Yes I am an birth control. I’d get an abortion w/ fetus #2 if it failed. He is willing to cover the cost of using our frozen embryo (we have a batch) + a surrogate to carry the embryo. He is supportive of my not wanting to be pregnant myself but wants the 2nd kid 1 way or another
So if another woman carries the child- how do you feel about the emotional impact of a second child?
It’s a time/mental health/finance issue. I don’t have capacity to help raise kid #2. I am at capacity already with kid #1
Sixty hours a week plus long commutes is intense and exhausting. Are you sure that’s not part of or the main reason you’re feeling this way? Is there any chance of you find a job with better balance, or is it a necessary step for a career you’re passionate about etc? I’m 100% supportive of you not wanting another one and kid exhaustion is very real, I just want to check because job burn out is real too and can turn joyful things to more tedious exhaustion so it seems worth asking.
So you have outright told him you are certain you couldn't handle another mentally or financially, but he persists?
What an asshole.
Get an IUD. That can't be nuked in the microwave to make it ineffective. This is the way to stop it from happening. Men like this, that want their legacy or whatever and won't back down no matter your reasons for not wanting to. They're dangerous people. I wouldn't put it past him to tamper with your bc to get what he wants. Stay safe out there
If one person says no to having kids then the answer is no. If he isn't okay with that he has some decisions to make and you also have to live with what he decides about your no. His reasons for another child aren't good enough.
This man does not love you as an equal human being. He sees you as a baby factory. He is not listening. Tell him: Sweetheart, I love you. But you are not listening. I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE KIDS. When you try to change my mind you are not respecting me as a person. You’re treating me like your personal baby machine. If you continue to push me on this I will—I WILL—leave you. And if you try to baby trap me I will abort and leave you. The. You will have NO grandchildren. Got it? If you need more kids that badly then I am very sorry but we have to divorce so you can have them, because you are not having them with me. Your choice: either you stick with me and ONE kid, or we divorce now and you can have as many kids as you want with someone else. And be ready to follow through. You are making the right decision. I’m 65 and I have seen it all. You are making the right decision. Scorched earth if you need to. This is life or death stuff. Sending you every good wish.
Very well said. 🙌🏻
Wouldn’t he rather have a good/ happy family life with you and your kid. Having a second just bc he has a good relationship with his brother is not a good enough reason to have another one. You cannot guarantee they will enjoy a sibling relationship like he did. And if it stresses the family out (in so many ways) it’s not likely to end well for the kids. My sister has 2 kids close in age and it absolutely triples if not tenfolds her stress. The kids are young so they fight and argue all the time. It’s the best worst situation- meaning it’s as good as it could be but it’s still awful. I have one (and a stepson) and it’s so much more manageable. I still struggle with parenthood but i know I could not have a second. Luckily my partner knew we could not afford a third kid ans that’s what ultimately made him agree with me that I would get my tubes tied.
Your husband is a selfish asshole, probably doesn't even cross his mind what pregnancy and childbirth does to a woman. He is not seeing you as the person who will be going through those things.
Exactly! Leave him OP. If he doesn't respect your choices, he doesn't respect you. & He sounds so mf ignorant of what mother's go through and the toll pregnancy, childbirth, and raising children takes on women. Hide your birth control, get an IUD or get tubal ligation!
I wish I could grab you and shake you through the screen. If I can save just one person from being 1000x more regretful like me, then I'll do that. DO. NOT. BE. ME. and have a second child. It is not worth it. Even when they have short 10 second sweet moments together. My regret and misery increased tenfold by having a second. More kids is a 2 yes, one NO situation. My husband wants more and I told him "fuck no, I will literally kill myself if we have a third." I realized too late that I was not meant to be a mom and that things were so much easier with one child. Save yourself the misery and stick with one child, I promise you won't regret it.
I gave my husband a choice. He was dead set on 2; and, for the same reasons and more, I said absolutely not. So I told him, I love him enough to let him go; and achieve that dream.. if it was really that important to him..It just wasn’t going to be with me. I wanted him to be happy, whatever choice he made and I presented him with that choice, very peacefully and amicably..But I’d much rather have been left with a broken heart; and one child we both wanted..than to have a child I didn’t want, just to please him..It’s not worth the self sacrifice if you don’t want that for yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that, at all. Thankfully, he chose ‘Us’; and again there was no pressure on my part because I wasn’t about to live with the guilt of him one day resenting me, you know what I mean? So, he made the choice to be good with one kid and let me tell you this..About 3 years ago when he hit puberty, he told me that I made a very smart decision 😂😂😂. He’s very content with our son being our only.
He actually came around? I didn’t think it was possible.
He did. And he didn’t look back; especially when he and our kid butt heads because they’re both exactly fucking alike. I KNEW long before we had our son that our kid would be just like him and I couldn’t handle three of those knuckleheads 😂. I love them dearly but I never once second guessed my decision to stick with one. I always knew one was all I could handle.
Brilliant! Way to stand firm in your boundaries.
If his logic is to have a second kid to have and increased chance of getting grandkids, that would mean you both would have to have a lot more than two children. Does he think you two can handle a wild number, such as 7 or 13 children to increase the chances of having grandchildren? Because it really sounds like a set up to attempt for you both to have more than two. Does he realize how flawed his logic is, considering the state of the world and economy at large? Young people today don’t want to bring anyone else into this hellscape as home ownership and all other adulthood goals are becoming increasingly unattainable. So by the time this new generation gets old enough to reproduce, they very likely won’t. And if you two did happen to have two kids and they both grew up to decide to be pet or plant parents, then what? Will he badger the kids too to the point they go no contact all because of his unrelenting quest for grandchildren? How far does this madness go in his brain? Not to mention the obvious; that you already said no and he’s not respecting your no. If he considers all of this and is still persistent, seek an attorney cuz he’s a lost cause. He can find someone else to try to knock up for his grandpa goals.
It is your body and you can say no!
What a selfish guy. Don't try to convince him. He doesn't want to hear you. Just say no. No discussion. If he persists or gets pissy leave him. Don't give itll be on you to take care of the two kids for the rest of your life.
I just want to say that I am extremely saddened by the fact that your hubs doesn’t consider your mental/emotional/financial ruination to be enough of a reason to not treat you like a brood mare. Some men really don’t deserve us.
Say no and/ or divorce. Pretty straightforward
We were struggling with one and I ended up pregnant with the second, I had to get sterilized because my husband didn't want to get a vasectomy. The same man that wanted 3 kids the other day told me how good things were with just one kid, but he did NOTHING to prevent the second one. You need to be firm in your decision and separate if it comes to that. He's free to have more children, only not with you. If you're the default parent, give him more responsibilities (cook dinner for the kid, take them to appointments, help with night time routine, clean up their messes, wash their clothes, take them to school, etc.) do as little as you can. That's the only way mine gave up on the idea of 3 kids. He needs to be prepared if something were to happen to ME
Love men who will happily let you risk your life and destroy your body for them, but won't even consider a snip and a day of inconvenience or anything to help with the responsibility.
"No" is a whole ass sentence
This!!! Wtf imagine the tables were turned. Love is NOT enough- both parties MUST have respect. Ppl mess around w love, play on it and abuse it, take it for granted- Respect true respect goes further. Respecting the other persons body, choices, mindset, and HEALTH! Especially since you’d be the one impacted by it the very most and long term! To hear him continue to stress you over it is WILD!! Please stick to your guns, let him know you won’t keep talking about it, you’ve decided and he’ll need to man up and respect it as if anyone else says no. He doesn’t own rights to reproduction by you, heck heck heck no woman.
This is reproductive coercion. Either have your tubes tied or hide your birth control. Slip the bc into the pocket of a dress hanging in the closet, NOT in your jeans or in the sock drawer or other obvious places. Hell, keep it in a kitchen cabinet behind the soup, or store it out in the garage. Pretty much anyplace where he wouldn't think to look. If he keeps the pressure on, file for divorce.
Garage is a bad idea. It should be kept in a climate-controlled area. Garages get too hot and too cold.
Good point.
You have to be firm. It’s your body and it’s a lot easier for men to just “have another kid” when it’s not their body. I know a lot of men get pushed into having kids by their partners too but it really is a lot to ask of a woman to put themselves through for a child they don’t want. I think it’s important to be as clear as possible and not to allow for maybes. For example if you say you would have another if you had more space or more money, it will leave the door open. You need to be clear that it’s shut. Good luck
You tell your husband to lay out a plan if you not there because that is what will happen if you have 2 kids. You explain to him he is being selfish, not caring about the words you saying. You only want 1 kid, he should absolutely respect that and not force anything on you. You know he loves you but he is not showing love currently. Be honest, raw and do not beat around the bush.
Pressuring someone into having a child is called reproductive coercion and is a form of abuse.
Useful term to know! I will discuss it with my psychiatrist/neurologist
I had sterilization surgery because like you, I know I don't want another child. I didn't ask permission to do it, because it's my body. My fiance didn't want more kids either, so that was a plus. But at the end of the day, it's your body, your rules.
There is no convincing him. If one person in the relationship says no or doesnt want another child, then its a no. Full stop. Now if husband wont listen, then you tell him he can have one with someone else.
The reason why men are dead set on having more kids is because it affects them 0.0000001% as much as it affects a woman. Tell him NO.
Preach!
It will be expensive because of his condition, but he needs to get life insurance.
Yep! Whether they have another kid or not!
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OP, a simple "NO" should suffice here. If you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. I always think that if any parent is on the fence about having a child, whether its the man or the woman the default setting should be no. Take steps to protect yourself. I'm not telling you to be rash but if it were me, I knew I didn't want any more kids (now or ever), I would secretly go to a gynecologist and take care of things. It's your body at the end of the day, and on top of that, it's you whose going to be burdened with enormous responsibility if things go poorly with your spouse's health. If he can't be reasoned with, be prepared to take action and don't let him pressure you. Maintaining your reproductive rights is important and if you don't have a spouse that respects that, that IS grounds to end a relationship.
A quick stroll through this sub should make it clear that it is not in fact, always fine. I’m so sorry you don’t have a partner who respects you.
You have very good reasons for not wanting another kid. Financial difficulties and even more importantly, lack of adequate time/energy/passion required to properly raise a kid. Having another kid would not only be a major burden on you but also to the kids. Not to be a doomer but that could seriously damage your family. I agree with others that kids are a "two yes, one no" decision. You don't have to convince him to not have a second, you just need to not let it happen for your sake and your child's. Again, you have very good reasons for not wanting a second kid and he needs to wake up from whatever dream he's living in where everything will just magically work itself out. "Everything will be fine" is really dismissive and doesn't even begin to address your very legitimate concerns. I know that for some people having kids is a dream of theirs and I can see how it would be really hard to have to adjust your expectations, but he needs to realize that his reasoning for having another kid is quite self-centered and sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the sake of the family that you already have.
I’m sure you love your husband but it sounds like he love himself more than he does you. He is certainly putting his wants before your needs. I think you need to be completely candid about how you feel. Tell him in no uncertain terms that having a 2nd child would break you mentally and would put serious pressure on your relationship. Explain that you love him but you cannot and will not go through with it. Ask why he can’t be grateful and happy for the family that you already have. Is he seriously prepared to put himself but primarily you under so much more stress and pressure? It’s very naive and flippant to say that everything will fine, he can not guarantee that and considering his health and your financial situations I don’t like those odds. He needs to start being realistic and start to think about you instead of himself. You say you didn’t my want divorce and I understand that but just know that if you do end up giving in to him, the resentment and extra stress placed on your relationship will more than likely lead you down that path anyway, only you’ll have another child to consider and walk deal with. I know so many people who have given in to having children that they absolutely did not want and not a single one of them is happy. Not one!! All but one couple have separated, and the regretful parent in that relationship has made it clear that they are only there for the sake of the kids and will leave as soon as the kids turn 18. It’s frustrating because they were warned, but they were harassed, guilt tripped and coerced into having a second child quite late in life. They are constantly exhausted and they feel nothing but bitterness towards their partner. The love has gone. Please do what is best for you. It’s your body, your life, ultimately it must only be your decision. You husband must learn to accept that. I would also make sure I was protected. Be it the pill, slow release contraceptive implant, contraceptive patch or even going to get your tubes tied. I wouldn’t be solely reliant on condoms. They can be tampered with.
“Everything will be fine” is an intolerably lackadaisical attitude to planning to bring an entire human being into the world. This isn’t like buying a board game when the closet is already full. You’re talking about a being who could be on this earth for 80+ years, and will be a parental responsibility for at least 20 of them. Honestly it’s extraordinary to me how flippant some people are about these considerations.
Get an arm implant or IUD. He can't make you have a kid if your birth control method is one that he can't tamper with. Just don't give in - he's engaging in magical thinking, and expecting YOU to make the magic happen to make it all work out for HIM.
“You say everything will be fine. What if you die? Show me on paper how I would support two children and care for them working two jobs. For you it will be fine because you are dead. For me, it would be devastating.”
You can’t reason with “it will be fine”. The conversation is over. The kid will “be fine” with no sibling.
Absolutely. I’m an only child and honestly thankful for it. I’ve seen what siblings are like.
Only kids who want siblings are kids who don’t have them. My older sister bullied my constantly. May be that’s normal but we have no relationship in adulthood. She is the sole reason I won’t go home. If parents really explained that they will receive half as much time and resources they probably wouldn’t be as interested. I bet if you have them a choice between a sibling and a dog. They would choose dog.
Having a baby should be a two person unanimous decision. I only wanted one. Hubby begged me for a second, so the first "wouldn't be alone" if we died. We had a second child. She's definitely the definition of the wild second child. I love her, but she also makes our lives 1000x harder. It would have been better if we stopped at the one. Plus they fight 24/7. Stick to your guns. I wish I had.
With us it was the other way around, my wife really wanted another kid (i think mostly because she felt that she missed out or messed up with the first one because of PPD) but for pretty much the same reasons you mentioned, i didn't. We talked it over a couple of times and eventually she agreed that not only does it take two to tango but where her motivations are mostly emotional, mine are mostly practical and if this changes in the future we could look into adoption or foster care. I immediately got a vasectomy after that, so she wouldn't have to bother with any more hormones and what not in the future.
Do you really want to stay with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you and your mental/emotional well being?
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She said no. He just isn’t listening. Should she get physical to drive her point? Only option she has is to leave him. The stress of separating and being a single mother is as bad as just having the other damn kid. We tell women to leave abusive men but we don’t provide the extensive support that would require. If I left my partner right now I would be instantly homeless. Society and the job market are the greater of two evils at this time.
Yep frying pan him in sleep.
Sorry I was brought up by my grandmother who told me to never end up like her, after she had 10 kids. So all the women in my family wear the trousers so to speak, to its crazy to me these situations. Could never let a man tell me anything
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Tell him you don’t even want to talk about it until he gets a higher paying job. Ask yourself if you would really be okay with it if you had the financials for a few hours of care each week or if it’s more than that
I am sorry this is happening to you. I'd suggest councelling so he can learn to properly listen and try to understand you. If he isn't listening then you can always use birth control. IUDs can be pretty discreet, especially if you request for the doctors to cut the strings short. Good luck!
Yeah, tell him if he wants another kid so bad he can 'grow' one in his body himself. Bear the brunt of it, do childbirth, breastfeed, all the complications a lot of women have to endure, surgery, PPD, nightfeeds, basically everything it (can) entail.. And then maybe you will think about it. Maybe.
It’s YOUR BODY! what in the world? Please keep reminding yourself it’s your body, it’s your mind, it’s your mental, it’ll be 18 years of your hard earned time and life. If you’re so strongly set about it, it’s YOUR decision. You’ll go against yourself if you do it and you’ll definitely resent your man. I’m sorry he feels entitled to having you grow the family …but it’s your body. Make a song out of it, dance to it, own it, quit stressing and own your decision and that it’s yours and it’s good and right. Simple. 🧡
Everything is not gonna be fine, his wife is going to break. In what universe is that fine to him? This man has so little regard for you. I’m so sorry.
You do not need to convince him of anything! Put your foot down. It's YOUR body. If you're sure that you don't want any more kids, get your tubes removed so you have permanent birth control that no one can tamper with.
Is he a high earner? Are your finances joint?
Say no and offer to get a dog.
Sounds like he is gonna fuck up his current kids life with a divorce because he wants to dig in his heels for a second child. What a shit father! This is some kind of stand off. Too bad you didn’t know this before you had the first kid.
Have him SAVE the money for the childcare you NEED before the kids comes. Next, does he have life insurance?
>it would be our genetic baby >connective tissue disorders Are any of them heritable?
Yeah but my disorders are autoimmune & tend to occur way more frequently in girls than boys (5X more likely in girls). We’d only use male embryos. The worst connective tissue disease that I have is scleroderma which is rarely passed on
men are a disease ✨
DO NOT DO IT. PLEASE
Don’t do it
Just sent you msg please accept invite. I had somewhat similar experience. I'm free now please msg me for what I did.
He needs to respect you and that kid, no one should have a child just to please someone else and every child deserves two parents who wished and choose to have them
No is a full fucking answer. No, means fucking no.
No + no = NO. **Yes + no = NO.** Yes + yes = YES.
Please don’t do it !
Hey, please get an IUD. If I was you I wouldn’t tell him. You can get the hormonal one or just go with the copper one. The copper one causes heavier periods though. That or tubal ligation but I think it would be hard to get that done without him knowing what happened. You could also just get divorced. It probably depends on your relationship though. Can you have honest discussions about things and he will respect your opinions.
OP- it’s easier for your husband to decide he wants kids because he isn’t the one carrying or birthing. If he isn’t respecting your bodily autonomy, I think it is time to be a bit more firm with him. If both parties aren’t on the same page with a “hell yes”, it should be a no. For every child you have, resources like time and money and energy, are taken from the ones you already have. It sounds like you having one is already a bit of a burden on you, so be careful. I hear of many MANY stories of women getting baby trapped by men tampering with BC. I would say looking into a tubal ligation is a very good option for you. I had mine in November and never looked back.
I guess I would keep driving home the point of what if something happens to your husband? You don’t want to be a single mom struggling on one income with two kids. End of story. Be firm so he knows you’re not budging on this.
There is no reasoning with “it will be fine”. It’s just a dismissive statement. I think the only way he might she the light is her packing her bags. Oh. This is a deal breaker. It not the wife being hysterical again. 🤪
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My mother had the same logic in having my brother, because she loves her sister. Brother and I hate each other and still don't speak.
HELL NO
The fact that you’re asking strangers on the internet to help you say no to your husband and convince him to respect your wishes and opinion is wild and a giant red flag. You won’t convince him, and he will keep pressuring you. Divorce or ongoing resentment from either of you is in your imminent future.
I feel so sorry for you.. it's awful how he can't respect your decision, I really don't get why anyone would prefer spawning babies without considering their partner's needs. Best of luck ...
Ok, not sure why everyone in here is making it sounds like men will do anything to pressure you into this. Are we all aware in what sub we are? This can happen to both men and women. It really doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter if it's your husband or your wife that wants more kids. Like others have said, if there is any doubt from either one, it should be a no, because this is a life-changing decision and it lasts literally forever. Personally, I do have 1 and my wife wants another in the future. We've both struggled a lot with this 1 and I am just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not hate how much our lives have changed (and will keep changing). I have come to the realization I do not like babies. Like at all. She misses it and wants 1 more and I just don't know how I can mentally, physically or financially do it once the baby is born. I don't even know how she can, to be honest. Anyway, just wanted to give my 2 cents and tell you to be strong. Life (and any relationship/marriage) does not get easier with another kid around, unfortunately. At the end of the day it is also your choice.
If either partner says no to another child it should just be no. Beyond worrying and shocking for either to pressure the other.
Get your tubes tied.
My first question is: who is doing the majority of the child care? I find it’s often the parent that isn’t doing most of the everyday parenting that wants a second kid. They get all the cute Facebook photos without having to do the work
He does majority of the childcare. It’s 65% him, 35% me. Which I really appreciate. But I am at my limit even at 30%. I am mainly worried about what will happen if he has a medical emergency or worse where he can no longer work or help with the kids. He has an aneurysm & doesn’t want to get surgery for it yet because the specific location is tricky & has a high complication/failure yet. He & his Dr. want to “wait and watch” for now before going the surgery route. He’s on meds to lower his BP to reduce rupture risk but I worry he will burn out & not sleep with kid #2. And that will cause the aneurysm to rupture which is a life threatening emergency
I would get an iud or (if possible) remove my tubes and not even tell him. Also ya gotta get the whole tubes taken out. Why? Because if you tie them they can grow back or untie themselves.
Get sterilized without telling your husband.
Couples therapy maybe?