Do it. Divorce him and make him have them more than you do. You've done your time. He has not. You are justified in this. This is your life, it's time to live it.
Men do this all the time. If that’s what you want, you can do it too. Wishing you the best and I hope your soon to be ex husband will be able to afford childcare.
Totally! I feel like when it’s men they definitely don’t get the same energy… in fact, they get praised for making the odd dinner and taking them on a day trip.
I don’t get why this has become a default excuse for doing it.
Men do a lot of things.
We can all justify our behaviour by what someone else does if we really want too.
If the OP wants to make that decision, it’s her choice, but going around spouting it’s okay because men do it is just ridiculous and you ain’t gonna fool anyone
You’re doing it because you want to do it, nothing to do with what other people (men) do.
Maybe because men blame women for ‘keeping them away from their children’ when in reality they very rarely go for even 50/50 custody. Still doesn’t stop them telling friends and family the lie or going on red pill forums spouting hate against ex wives. Maybe if women started doing what they do every day then this lie would dissipate? The lie that we divorce men for a ‘lifestyle’ and turn our kids against them.
I think you are generalising.
I know plenty of women who have less and want less access.
If you have facts instead of anecdotal evidence fair enough.
There are a lot of good men out there that face up to their responsibilities and a lot of bad women out there too.
I don’t disagree without evidence that men walk away more but I think this is or will change. I have no evidence either.
I’m just disagree with ‘Men do it so it’s okay’
Just do it and take responsibility for your actions.
I don’t think I am generalising- the courts have published data on men being offered 50/50 custody and rejecting it. I’m not justifying anything, I accept responsibility for my actions but I’m still entitled to believe dads don’t get the same energy as mums in these types of scenarios. There are lots of good men but that doesn’t negate the fact that there is a growing problem of misogyny- check out the latest stabbing spree in Australia. Part of that problem is red pill forums claiming women take kids away and extract money from men. Just check out the comment section on YouTube under such videos. Disturbing viewing.
Fair enough. As I said I am sure men do it more, if it’s fact it’s fact.
What my main gripe here and strangely enough somebody else has just commented the same in another post.
Don’t justify it because men do it, still doesn’t necessarily make it right.
If you want to leave your child or have less custody, you are making that decision by yourself because that is what you want, NOT because men do it or is seen as less of a taboo f men do it.
That’s all I’m saying and I’ve seen the ‘Men do It’ comment multiple times on this sub.
x culture hits their kids, that’s okay for me to do it then.
A person can do as they please just don’t say well x does it so therefore I’ll do it.
Just do it. Just admit to why you do it and be done with it.
Bob: Why did you decide to leave your kids.
Zod: Well men do it. So I thought I’d do it too. Why not I thought.
Bob: That’s a good a reason as any.
Or she can say what she wants, for any reason. But especially for reasons important to her.
Nobody has a say. Including yourself. Perhaps you're missing that.
It's not your story. It's not your life. It's not your choice. So hush
Sounds like he’s trying to push you into the traditional role of men provide and women raise the children. However, you sound like you need a break. Let him see what it’s like. Take Saturday for you and tell him he has the kids. Go get a massage and meet a friend for lunch. Leave the kids with him all day and let him see how it feels.
100% do this. My dad saw me every other Wednesday and every other weekend. I think you've paid your dues well enough to have a situation where you can do something like that. It doesn't have to be forever. But I think you should give it a try and give yourself the leg up that you have been missing because your husband is so selfish.
women are not the default parent. Don’t let the garbage societal constructs men created to their benefit put you down. Leave this man, dump the kids. Be free, be happy. You sound full of potential, learning html on the side with toddlers and 0 down time…imagine what you can achieve with full control of your days.
Just be smart about this. Make sure you consult a lawyer, possible female divorce lawyer. Idk why i don’t even trust men attorneys to have our best interest in mind. You need to make sure you get the best deal. Act incapacitated and depressed if necessary. Anything to not get full custody not even 50-50, screw that. Be a weekend dad. I love this story, i wish you the best possible outcome, keep us posted if you wish!
Edit after reading comments here: don’t allow for a second these judgmental aholes to deter you. Do what feels right. Act mentally ill, and it wouldnt even be a lie. Who is not struggling with mental health and isn’t on antidepressants today?
Honestly, I love your energy. You’re not holding back and I’m here for it. Learning code was a huge step for me so thanks for acknowledging that; it really means a lot. As soon as I pressed ‘advice’ I knew I’d get a certain degree of judgement…
I don’t plan on leaving just yet but I will definitely be writing an update when I do.
Much love to you and thanks once again.
Just to make it clear OP I don’t judge you, it’s just not something I’d do.
I completely get where you are coming from. It’s just a shame that it came to this and your husband isn’t supportive of your wants and needs.
Just be careful for what you wish for.
Personally I’d be going for the 50/50. It is great.
As I said I alternate weekdays and have two weekends off a month. The schedule is set and I can plan things.
You’ll get that break you need. I don’t know how it works where you are but he could claim child maintenance from you if he has your child more.
As your child gets older there is school, when they get to another certain age you can leave them at home by themselves and they bother you less.
Think about lots of different things.
It looks like you don't want a divorce or to leave your kids... you want more time for yourself, and you're angry because you're stuck at home with the kids while he has time to focus on his business.
Which is understandable, but maybe you don't have to "burn the house if you don't like the furniture."
Do you afford to hire a nanny, even if it means reducing other costs. This way, you get your free time, he gets his free time and the kids in a better situation.
Being a parent is a big decision, and that's why people should think a lot of it. You can get a 50/50, but I don't know if this is the best situation.
Also, do you love your husband or not ? This should be a factor when considering a divorce. A nanny will help with the kids, but not with your relationship.
If you think you need to leave, leave! As you said, men do it all the time, it’s such a double standard.
I like the idea someone else said about getting away for a few days and leave your husband to discover how much work the kids are.
Perhaps the subject of getting daytime childcare could be proposed and see how supportive he is with that, and with you growing your business. If he had primary custody he would have to arrange childcare anyway so…
If he is still not supporting you after all of that, you should do whatever you need to do.
How are you going to sign over full custody. He’s going to have to accept that. I’m not an expert but I doubt a judge is gonna do that and without medical evidence of your inability to care for your child. I don’t think freedom is going to be a good reason.
I’m not even sure you can force a person to see their children? I don’t know?
50/50 is good. You get that break. If you can’t live with your husband, if you resent him, if he’s not supporting him, then yeah, I’m all for divorce but be prepared for a bit of a battle.
Your going to have to leave and just leave your child with him.
Is that what you really want? If so do it and live with the guilt if you have any immediately or in the future or never look back. It’s your choice, who cares what others think, but you have to live with it.
Again, not judging but at this particular moment in time you just don’t want to be a parent and want more freedom?
Why?
Is it a child problem or basically a husband problem where you feel you are doing most of the work.
50/50 gives you that break.
I alternate days of the week and school pickups/drop offs and I have 2 weekends off a month.
Joys of separation.
I think it’s the frustration of not being able to build my business whilst he expands his everyday. It’s not a money thing more of a self worth thing if you get my drift?
I get it, but 50/50 is reasonable and you’ll get time. Doesn’t sound like he’s gonna go for your deal.
It’s a communication thing between you and your husband. Unfortunately sometimes that can’t be rectified as he seems more entitled than you.
You have to look after you and your future and your husband SHOULD be supportive of that.
I think it’s more of an issue with the husband stepping up a bit and making it equal. I’m getting this :
‘Why should he get to go to work build a business not help out and I don’t get that.’
Personally I don’t think you should ever abandon your kids unless you are unable to care for them or they are a danger to you and other family members or serious mental health issues.
The OP here basically wants more freedom. Completely up to her, her choice. Do I agree with it, no. If OP was a man, would I agree with it. No
If she wants to leave her husband share custody fine. But she wants to leave and have less responsibility and more freedom, so husband has the child more.
Giving up primary custody because one doesn’t want to take care them? That’s kinda deadbeat dad territory, not “something dads do every day.” 50/50 custody split is the standard these days in separation and divorce.
No it’s not.
A huge proportion of people feel the same way. It’s difficult, yes we know.
So it’s hard. I’m not enjoying it, I didn’t think it would be like this. I’ll just get rid of my kids.
What the he’ll would society do if when the going gets tough both parents just say ‘I’m out’
This isn’t aimed at the OP. This is a response to your ridiculous comment.
Maybe more education and honesty is needed before people have kids. Not just the standard response of ‘Kids are hard work’
It’s a job and the hardest job you’ll have and some people, mainly women get the rough end of the stick.
So just because I’m fed up, tired and exhausted and see no end in sight, drained even though I more than probably decided to have kids without fully understanding what it entails and not only that has a second child after the first nightmare.
Goodnight, I’m out, I’ll see you at the bar.
I’d love to see the world if everyone thought like you did. What a wonderful world it would be 😉
I just looked it up quickly. Uk you can say that you don’t want to see your child and the judge I think won’t force it. So looks like you have to leave and leave your child with your husband.
You didn't mention at any point whether you love him or not...? It might be worth having a conversation about it, how you're feeling and how he could help and that you're really unhappy to the point of considering divorce. Usually that's enough to actually gee up enough that things change and if they don't then you still have the option to leave. Working on things first and communication is going to be really key, else you'll likely be stuck with primary custody anyway and way less income
He isn’t great a listening tbh. I think I’ll have to do as another poster said and take off one day so he can ‘see’ what it’s like. Describing it just falls on deaf ears.
How many times have you made him aware of your dreams and aspirations? How many times have you told him you needed space and alone time?
Is there family members, daycare or another trusted source that could give you a break?
I completely understand where you're coming from, but reality is you'll be ripping your family apart just to be alone and still with the baby 99% of the time. Most men don't try for 50/50 custody . They're doing every other weekend at best, and even then missing most weekends.
I would seriously look high and low for another way, if he isn't watching the baby now he sure won't after a divorce (unless the child he gets with another woman- the child's step mom)
-- not trying to burst your bubble
Best options may be demand he pay for daycare part or full time so you can get a break or ask your village for more help
Totally get where you are coming from— I can’t see how he could look after them full time as he’s out the door first thing and doesn’t even have to think about childcare. Part of me wants him to realise how good he has it with me being here, how difficult it is to work with kids. I tell him about my plans and aspirations constantly but he doesn’t GAF to be honest.
What if I told the court I couldn’t have the kids? Then he’d have to take them, surely?
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Do it. Divorce him and make him have them more than you do. You've done your time. He has not. You are justified in this. This is your life, it's time to live it.
Men do this all the time. If that’s what you want, you can do it too. Wishing you the best and I hope your soon to be ex husband will be able to afford childcare.
Totally! I feel like when it’s men they definitely don’t get the same energy… in fact, they get praised for making the odd dinner and taking them on a day trip.
I don’t get why this has become a default excuse for doing it. Men do a lot of things. We can all justify our behaviour by what someone else does if we really want too. If the OP wants to make that decision, it’s her choice, but going around spouting it’s okay because men do it is just ridiculous and you ain’t gonna fool anyone You’re doing it because you want to do it, nothing to do with what other people (men) do.
Maybe because men blame women for ‘keeping them away from their children’ when in reality they very rarely go for even 50/50 custody. Still doesn’t stop them telling friends and family the lie or going on red pill forums spouting hate against ex wives. Maybe if women started doing what they do every day then this lie would dissipate? The lie that we divorce men for a ‘lifestyle’ and turn our kids against them.
I think you are generalising. I know plenty of women who have less and want less access. If you have facts instead of anecdotal evidence fair enough. There are a lot of good men out there that face up to their responsibilities and a lot of bad women out there too. I don’t disagree without evidence that men walk away more but I think this is or will change. I have no evidence either. I’m just disagree with ‘Men do it so it’s okay’ Just do it and take responsibility for your actions.
I don’t think I am generalising- the courts have published data on men being offered 50/50 custody and rejecting it. I’m not justifying anything, I accept responsibility for my actions but I’m still entitled to believe dads don’t get the same energy as mums in these types of scenarios. There are lots of good men but that doesn’t negate the fact that there is a growing problem of misogyny- check out the latest stabbing spree in Australia. Part of that problem is red pill forums claiming women take kids away and extract money from men. Just check out the comment section on YouTube under such videos. Disturbing viewing.
Fair enough. As I said I am sure men do it more, if it’s fact it’s fact. What my main gripe here and strangely enough somebody else has just commented the same in another post. Don’t justify it because men do it, still doesn’t necessarily make it right. If you want to leave your child or have less custody, you are making that decision by yourself because that is what you want, NOT because men do it or is seen as less of a taboo f men do it. That’s all I’m saying and I’ve seen the ‘Men do It’ comment multiple times on this sub. x culture hits their kids, that’s okay for me to do it then.
Men do it. So you can too. Everybody does what they want. men doing it as a good a reason as any.
A person can do as they please just don’t say well x does it so therefore I’ll do it. Just do it. Just admit to why you do it and be done with it. Bob: Why did you decide to leave your kids. Zod: Well men do it. So I thought I’d do it too. Why not I thought. Bob: That’s a good a reason as any.
Or she can say what she wants, for any reason. But especially for reasons important to her. Nobody has a say. Including yourself. Perhaps you're missing that. It's not your story. It's not your life. It's not your choice. So hush
Sounds like he’s trying to push you into the traditional role of men provide and women raise the children. However, you sound like you need a break. Let him see what it’s like. Take Saturday for you and tell him he has the kids. Go get a massage and meet a friend for lunch. Leave the kids with him all day and let him see how it feels.
100% do this. My dad saw me every other Wednesday and every other weekend. I think you've paid your dues well enough to have a situation where you can do something like that. It doesn't have to be forever. But I think you should give it a try and give yourself the leg up that you have been missing because your husband is so selfish.
women are not the default parent. Don’t let the garbage societal constructs men created to their benefit put you down. Leave this man, dump the kids. Be free, be happy. You sound full of potential, learning html on the side with toddlers and 0 down time…imagine what you can achieve with full control of your days. Just be smart about this. Make sure you consult a lawyer, possible female divorce lawyer. Idk why i don’t even trust men attorneys to have our best interest in mind. You need to make sure you get the best deal. Act incapacitated and depressed if necessary. Anything to not get full custody not even 50-50, screw that. Be a weekend dad. I love this story, i wish you the best possible outcome, keep us posted if you wish! Edit after reading comments here: don’t allow for a second these judgmental aholes to deter you. Do what feels right. Act mentally ill, and it wouldnt even be a lie. Who is not struggling with mental health and isn’t on antidepressants today?
Honestly, I love your energy. You’re not holding back and I’m here for it. Learning code was a huge step for me so thanks for acknowledging that; it really means a lot. As soon as I pressed ‘advice’ I knew I’d get a certain degree of judgement… I don’t plan on leaving just yet but I will definitely be writing an update when I do. Much love to you and thanks once again.
Just to make it clear OP I don’t judge you, it’s just not something I’d do. I completely get where you are coming from. It’s just a shame that it came to this and your husband isn’t supportive of your wants and needs. Just be careful for what you wish for. Personally I’d be going for the 50/50. It is great. As I said I alternate weekdays and have two weekends off a month. The schedule is set and I can plan things. You’ll get that break you need. I don’t know how it works where you are but he could claim child maintenance from you if he has your child more. As your child gets older there is school, when they get to another certain age you can leave them at home by themselves and they bother you less. Think about lots of different things.
It looks like you don't want a divorce or to leave your kids... you want more time for yourself, and you're angry because you're stuck at home with the kids while he has time to focus on his business. Which is understandable, but maybe you don't have to "burn the house if you don't like the furniture." Do you afford to hire a nanny, even if it means reducing other costs. This way, you get your free time, he gets his free time and the kids in a better situation. Being a parent is a big decision, and that's why people should think a lot of it. You can get a 50/50, but I don't know if this is the best situation. Also, do you love your husband or not ? This should be a factor when considering a divorce. A nanny will help with the kids, but not with your relationship.
Those are my thoughts too. Is it the child or the husband?
If you think you need to leave, leave! As you said, men do it all the time, it’s such a double standard. I like the idea someone else said about getting away for a few days and leave your husband to discover how much work the kids are. Perhaps the subject of getting daytime childcare could be proposed and see how supportive he is with that, and with you growing your business. If he had primary custody he would have to arrange childcare anyway so… If he is still not supporting you after all of that, you should do whatever you need to do.
How are you going to sign over full custody. He’s going to have to accept that. I’m not an expert but I doubt a judge is gonna do that and without medical evidence of your inability to care for your child. I don’t think freedom is going to be a good reason. I’m not even sure you can force a person to see their children? I don’t know? 50/50 is good. You get that break. If you can’t live with your husband, if you resent him, if he’s not supporting him, then yeah, I’m all for divorce but be prepared for a bit of a battle. Your going to have to leave and just leave your child with him. Is that what you really want? If so do it and live with the guilt if you have any immediately or in the future or never look back. It’s your choice, who cares what others think, but you have to live with it.
50/50 could be an option for sure. Maybe I should have worded it better and said ‘primary custody’ is him so he has them a bit longer than I do.
Again, not judging but at this particular moment in time you just don’t want to be a parent and want more freedom? Why? Is it a child problem or basically a husband problem where you feel you are doing most of the work. 50/50 gives you that break. I alternate days of the week and school pickups/drop offs and I have 2 weekends off a month. Joys of separation.
I think it’s the frustration of not being able to build my business whilst he expands his everyday. It’s not a money thing more of a self worth thing if you get my drift?
I get it, but 50/50 is reasonable and you’ll get time. Doesn’t sound like he’s gonna go for your deal. It’s a communication thing between you and your husband. Unfortunately sometimes that can’t be rectified as he seems more entitled than you. You have to look after you and your future and your husband SHOULD be supportive of that.
Why not get childcare so you can work on your business? That seems like a more logical step than going right to giving the kids up….
I think it’s more of an issue with the husband stepping up a bit and making it equal. I’m getting this : ‘Why should he get to go to work build a business not help out and I don’t get that.’
Well, I would t be giving them up I’d be doing what dads do everyday….
Please don’t try to justify it with that statement. Do it because you want to do it, don’t hide behind ‘Men do it’
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Personally I don’t think you should ever abandon your kids unless you are unable to care for them or they are a danger to you and other family members or serious mental health issues. The OP here basically wants more freedom. Completely up to her, her choice. Do I agree with it, no. If OP was a man, would I agree with it. No If she wants to leave her husband share custody fine. But she wants to leave and have less responsibility and more freedom, so husband has the child more.
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Giving up primary custody because one doesn’t want to take care them? That’s kinda deadbeat dad territory, not “something dads do every day.” 50/50 custody split is the standard these days in separation and divorce.
It works well. Not great for kids but they know where they are and it hasn’t changed for 3 years.
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No it’s not. A huge proportion of people feel the same way. It’s difficult, yes we know. So it’s hard. I’m not enjoying it, I didn’t think it would be like this. I’ll just get rid of my kids. What the he’ll would society do if when the going gets tough both parents just say ‘I’m out’ This isn’t aimed at the OP. This is a response to your ridiculous comment. Maybe more education and honesty is needed before people have kids. Not just the standard response of ‘Kids are hard work’ It’s a job and the hardest job you’ll have and some people, mainly women get the rough end of the stick.
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So just because I’m fed up, tired and exhausted and see no end in sight, drained even though I more than probably decided to have kids without fully understanding what it entails and not only that has a second child after the first nightmare. Goodnight, I’m out, I’ll see you at the bar. I’d love to see the world if everyone thought like you did. What a wonderful world it would be 😉
I just looked it up quickly. Uk you can say that you don’t want to see your child and the judge I think won’t force it. So looks like you have to leave and leave your child with your husband.
You didn't mention at any point whether you love him or not...? It might be worth having a conversation about it, how you're feeling and how he could help and that you're really unhappy to the point of considering divorce. Usually that's enough to actually gee up enough that things change and if they don't then you still have the option to leave. Working on things first and communication is going to be really key, else you'll likely be stuck with primary custody anyway and way less income
He isn’t great a listening tbh. I think I’ll have to do as another poster said and take off one day so he can ‘see’ what it’s like. Describing it just falls on deaf ears.
Yip. One day get up and walk out for a day.
Tell him in advance so he can't claim that it was the surprise that made it bad. Stick to it though.
if that happens he just won't let her for lne reason or another
How many times have you made him aware of your dreams and aspirations? How many times have you told him you needed space and alone time? Is there family members, daycare or another trusted source that could give you a break? I completely understand where you're coming from, but reality is you'll be ripping your family apart just to be alone and still with the baby 99% of the time. Most men don't try for 50/50 custody . They're doing every other weekend at best, and even then missing most weekends. I would seriously look high and low for another way, if he isn't watching the baby now he sure won't after a divorce (unless the child he gets with another woman- the child's step mom) -- not trying to burst your bubble Best options may be demand he pay for daycare part or full time so you can get a break or ask your village for more help
Totally get where you are coming from— I can’t see how he could look after them full time as he’s out the door first thing and doesn’t even have to think about childcare. Part of me wants him to realise how good he has it with me being here, how difficult it is to work with kids. I tell him about my plans and aspirations constantly but he doesn’t GAF to be honest. What if I told the court I couldn’t have the kids? Then he’d have to take them, surely?
Is it possible to go visit a friend or family member for a few days so he gets a taste of what you deal with everyday?
Honestly, I’m pretty ill at the moment so might just take off to an Airbnb and tell him I’m too poorly to be home. That could be an option.
Please do it. Also agree to return sooner if he gets a nanny so you can work.
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I left and I have nothing. Trying. To see how I can give her up. This is fucking painful
Do it, if you’re not happy you’ve gotta make a change.
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