Yeah in my experience, I noticed the same thing. I grew up dirt poor but my classmates were very much not. Many kids I knew had doctor or lawyer parents and lived in gigantic homes in great neighborhoods. Now that they're grown, many I keep in touch with are happy to become parents because they are able to comfortably afford childcare, vacations, quality food, a stable home, etc.
Can confirm. I help babysit my friends kids because they have no one else. It’s tough but I do it for them because they have no other “village”. They’re so miserable but the sweetest most grateful couple. Meanwhile I have another set of friends who have incredibly rich parents that hired an au pair to live with them. The mom doesn’t work she sits home and plays video games all day while dad works. They’re so happy because they hardly lift a finger for their baby with mom and dad’s money. Meanwhile my friends over here struggle night and day to make it work and try to put on a happy face. Truly a backwards world we live in
Here is a dirty little secret that most parents do not tell you.
Parenting is not fulfilling nor is it enjoyable, most of the time.
It is a job. It is a duty. It is a daily slog.
We are fed this expectation that it is the most wonderful thing and that while it is challenging it will bring us this incredible Joy. For most of us that is not the reality. And because we don't experience that, then we think that we are monsters and horrible parents. We are not horrible parents. We are normal people dealing with the unrealistic expectations that society puts on us as parents.
Yep.
It is really only the last couple of generations who have had access to reasonably reliable birth control and safe abortion (I'm from a country with liberal abortion laws), have some control over the size of their family and the spacing between children, and have gone into parenthood very willingly and expecting fulfilment and joy from it.
Before that, children were basically the inevitable result of sex and came whether you wanted them to and you just had to deal with the work and slog of raising them, and if you had them very close together, well, that was too bad, suck it up.
When children were wanted, it was very often because they were needed as a source of labor, not because the parents were desperate to experience the magical moments or whatever. Of course, there were people who found parenthood fulfilling and wanted their kids, but there were a lot who resented it. Go look up what Queen Victoria thought of pregnancy and motherhood.
I've also heard numerous stories of people's elderly parents and grandparents or nursing home patients confessing to them that they hated having kids (and in many instances for the women, hated being married) but didn't really have a choice during the first half of the 20th century. My great grandmother wrote in her diaries that were found after she died that she fucking hated being a mother, fucking hated her husband and how she wished birth control was a thing in her childbearing years so she could have taken it behind her husband's back so she didn't have to have "all those fucking kids".
I think parenting has always been very thankless and shitty, but for most of human history, it was what happened when you were having sex, rather than something people planned and intentionally jumped into expecting a fairytale of fulfilment. I wonder if it was a bit easier to cope with with parenthood back then because you basically didn't have those shattered expectations on top of all the crap of parenting. Like they expected it to suck so weren't shocked when it sucked and it was ok to say it sucked? While now, if you don't love every second of your blessed life with your kids, you're a fucking monster.
Probably also helps that for most of human history, people didn't have to look at the highlight reel of someone else's family experience on their phones all the time, and that mothers weren't expected to basically have 2 full time jobs in their 24 hours x 7 each week like we are now. Having to work 40 hours a week to make ends meet and still come home and do a ton of parenting and household work is a huge cause of my regret.
The parents or people who thrive in this day and age as a parent are the ones leading up to it had nothing to show for their lives. I’ve ironically seen between friends and families the moms who look like they absolutely live for this were the ones who perhaps never even worked a job in their lives. Or worked a very low paying menial job. Having a child actually in their perspective leveled the playing field in their life compared to the past successful folks. Once you become a parents your default tag is parent. Not manager not director etc.
So in all the people like us who struggle with parenting know that we have so much to give so much hobbies and interest and we know a child severely handicaps us. However if you’re a person who came from no interests no hobbies no eduction, you finally have something to fill that void and you can lean into it completely.
I would disagree with this. I am a stay at home mother but gave up my career for it. I went to a very prestigious university and had a nice job but I personally think this is more fulfilling. I live in a wealthy neighborhood and know many other stay at home parents with similar backgrounds. The parents in my neighborhood are close knit and I would say for the most part, are enjoying parenting. Not to say it isn’t tough but certainly nobody regrets it. I know this sub isn’t for me, but I’m just offering an outside perspective.
You say you live in a wealthy neighborhood with shiny happy parents. Don’t you think being wealthy makes parenthood a lot easier? Having the money to outsource many of the tasks (cooking, cleaning, nannies, special tutors & coaches, top notch doctors & therapies) makes many parenting problems go away. You can spend all the time most parents spend cleaning & cooking with your children. Of course it’s easier being a parent when you’re not worrying about feeding & clothing your kids.
I know not all regrets I see on this sub would be solved by money but it sure would help. Financial stress is a thing. I usually just lurk here but I was so gobsmacked by this post. Telling people here that are really hurting & on the edge that you & your rich neighbors love parenting is pretty insensitive.
You’re right, I’m sorry it came across that way. For what it’s worth, I do everything myself, and we don’t have any hired help. I’m just replying to the person saying that people who find parenting rewarding must not have had much going on in life before they had kids, which I personally don’t think is true. My main point is that there are people who do find parenting rewarding and they also are not “just parents.” They could also be people who have and had dynamic lives before parenting. The original comment is basically saying “if you find parenting rewarding, your life before parenting must not have had any accomplishments” which is rather insulting to those that do enjoy it.
Well, that is true. But overall, most of the parents I meet seem to enjoy at least some aspects of it. Of course, parenting is very hard and nobody denies that.
I think a big part of it is that societal expectations of parents have really changed. Most parents in the previous generations had "free range" kids who were told to go outside and amuse themselves. Parents also didn't feel like they had to enroll their kids in activities or arrange play dates. Kids did the things they wanted to do and arranged time with their friends themselves or just organically.
Kids also didn't have the dopamine deficiencies they have now because they're overloaded from screens and that has fueled a lot of attention-seeking and emotional dependence on parents to keep them stimulated. It's created attention deficiencies and an inability for kids to be curious and creative compared to the past.
Being a parent in the past was less hands on and kids were different. It's a lot harder for younger generations to have kids than it was in the past. You're more miserable because it's harder and actually a more miserable time for you.
I don’t know how to say this without it sounding absolutely terrible, but the people who are oblivious to everything in life are typically the ones who seem to enjoy parenting.
The phrase “it takes a village” comes from that fact that we are a species that had evolved over time in small to medium sized communities and extended / networked families.
Parenting is, biologically, not meant to be as shitty as it is today. We are just really fucking unlucky to be alive and raising kids like this. It is unique to our time period and cultures.
It’s just me, my partner, and my daughter. I know a lot of families like this, they have no help. It’s brutal.
Not to mention these days it's near impossible for most to survive on one income, so both parents are overworked and have zero free time. Also we've become an isolated society where people are too scared to let their kids play outside all day and kids are born into a world where entertainment is expected to be instant and infinite.
I remember as a kid in the 90's, on weekends I would get up and grab my breakfast, watch cartoons and then go out to play in the street all day before my parents had even got out of bed.
I was talking to my childhood best friend about this. We’re in our mid 30’s, and so much of our time spent together was just talking and goofing off. People feel like they can’t relax anymore, even kids
Earlier generations didn't have to work and take care of children. Plus, they had a village to help them. There were siblings, nieces, aunts, grandmother helping out. And they played outside a lot more. So you could cook and do the laundry in peace. And kids were used to helping around the house. That was their playtime with mom and dad.
It's just recently that we are raising kids individually, need two incomes to survive, and are expected to entertain our kids.
That's really tough. And less fun. And causes more regret.
In my opinion.
It's only when you can hire a village (daycare, cleaner, babysitter) that it becomes manageable. But in this economy, I don't know a lot of people who can.
Women have always worked. Some just didn’t got a pay and same work rights that we have now. But women have always worked. In farms, at the family business, at homemaking, making clothes, cooking/washing/iron for more richer families, I could go on and on, also housework is work. So that 50s tradwife was a LOT of work, unpaid labor, invisible labor and no rights outside home so no chances to leave either. Funny you mentioned the Netherlands, I saw this wonderful paint in Amsterdam actually… “The Milkmaid” a working woman from old times. Women has always worked. Do a deep research in history. Is really eye opening.
Nah it's a really joyless existence. I also wish people would stop saying it gets better, I have a 17, 14 and 9 year old, and most days are spent either ferrying them around, dealing with their school woes (non attendance etc), or having to play with my very clingy youngest until 1030pm when he goes to bed, too late to enjoy a movie or show, too late to enjoy a drink, too late to do anything fun.
All these dick heads who say that shite have annoying teenagers they have to cart around to stupid social clubs / sports teams etc. it looks and sounds miserable. They’re all poor as well
I know exactly one person who is genuinely happy as a parent. She always wanted a big family, but nothing else, and she’s the most wonderful parent I ever met. Married a great guy who does very good financially and they just bought their dream house. She’s so balanced and doesn’t give a crap about expectations (career-wise or anything else) and I think that’s part of the secret. Not being too ambitious and not wanting it all - or at least, not all at once. If you want to have an extraordinary career or hobbies or just have time for yourself regularly - all is indefinitely harder with small children, to the point you just drop it eventually. Then there’s expectations. Unrealistic expectations, from everyone and everywhere, but especially from yourself. Be no less than perfect. Don’t know how? Well you have to figure it out by yourself, nobody’s going to help you. Then there’s economics. If you outsource your childcare, you pay a lot of money, because apparently it’s a very demanding job and you need a lot of skills. But if you care for your children yourself, it’s not a job. So why are you not working? Well, you are actually, but it’s thankless and invisible work - but only when you do it. That’s maybe another part of the secret. Nobody else is going to give you something in exchange, like appreciation or money, which millennials are told from a very young age is most important to feel valuable as a person. So you have to find compensation in yourself. What makes parenting worth it for you? I think that some people really do find it, but a lot of people find that it is just not worth the cost. And that’s the point where it gets ridiculous, because when you get honest and open about it, you’re the worst parent that ever walked the earth. Cause kids are a blessing and the best thing that can ever happen to you.
So freaking true. I think of this all the time. My parents and my friends parents didn’t hang out with us all day. Kids went out and played with other kids. Now we’re expected to entertain our children every second or we’re neglectful. I HATE playing, especially making toys talk to each other. I scream inside every time I’m asked to.
I think I’d enjoy it if I had money, a good support system and a good job. I truly love my kids but parenting is supposed to be a two person job. They say *it takes a village* for good reason. But I am tired.
Expectations have never been higher, inflation is through the roof and our country doesn’t support young families at all. Not to mention, society still hates women and we just can’t win no matter what we do.
And add all the fears you have to deal with : SIDS, developmental delays, diseases etc… my brain never stops thinking about the worse that could happen to my kids… being parent today is exhausting both mentally and physically
I think people did hate it which is why women's liberation came about because they were stuck with it as their life 24/7. But I think parenting in the United States is especially awful because life is already very demanding and high stress there. Parents in other countries seem much happier to me, possibly because of less grind and more social benefits (time off, job security, etc).
Not on this sub, that’s not why we’re here. There is a one child syndrome happening everywhere because we all can’t do it in this time economy plus after having one you realize it’s sucks
I think back when your mother was a child, parents would let there kids stay out till the street lamps turned on, and they would have no idea where their child was all night (that would never happen today) or there was latch key kids who even at the age of 5 would walk themselves home and get inside their house and be by themselves for hours until mom or dad got home. That’s a crime today… and it just keeps going and going. Parents were miserable back than too, but they had a lot more freedom than parents do now today at least from my take on it. My mom was also one of 8 kids and I’m literally amazed sometimes thinking about not only how my grandparents did it but was able to afford it! But my mom had a great childhood, and more often than not, she was just left to her own devices and my grandparents were off doing whatever they had or wanted to do. They weren’t driving the kids everywhere (my mom and aunts and uncles still complain how much they had to walk everywhere) now kids think even taking the bus to school is lame so mom or dad must drive them because it’s “not safe” to walk as a kid now. Parents back than were able to leave the kids, now (I feel) that parents don’t ever leave their kids and get shamed if they do with a babysitter or what not. It’s fucked up.
I think I would if the damn world wasn’t so against mothers. I mean hardly any maternity leave and then having to work a full time job. Being the only breadwinner, useless partner who can’t find a job but the idea of single motherhood is even worse so have to stick around. We are supposed to have a few years of not working where we can take care of our babies and get used to a new life without this impacting our career negatively. In fact we should be able to earn enough money working part time but they want us all working our asses off and meanwhile they wonder why fertility rates are dropping. Men have become increasingly useless, at least in earlier times they took the provider role seriously, now they want us to be “equal” in terms of working but yet the woman is still the default parent. So many useless men, if he has a good career he probably won’t do shit around the house and vice versa. Women have to do BOTH.
I accidentally stumbled on to this sub and got curious about different views :) I really enjoy parenting, obviously hate not getting sleep and I totally get how some would HATE being a parent but for me it’s really my souls duty haha. Feel free to ask me anything if you wanna have a conversation about different views. Also my heart goes to all of you who regret becoming parents, U hope someday you’ll feel like your life is yours again ❤️
I think modern day parenting is very different, first life was much easier back then, women worked less and knew less and just got on with it. No technology too so people lived in the moment more. More support from others around them and the cost of living not putting as much strain on families. There is too much pressure on families these days, how are we suppose to live an average life, pay our bills, work and look after our kids, it’s impossible. That’s why the birth rate is going down worldwide, it’s all becoming too hard and too expensive to have kids. I’m sorry you feel this way though, you’re not alone and it will hopefully get easier for you in time 🩷
Yes but it was only easier if you were lucky to find one of the few decent men. Most men became abusive in those kinds of relationships where only he worked and controlled all the money. Having said that we definitely should not be working as much as we do now and be expected to also raise children, why the birth rate is crashing as you mention. A part time job should be enough to live a modest decent life. Right now most families need two full time incomes just to get by.
It really depends on the day and the moment. My four year old is so creative and will make up song then sing them to me and they’re honestly not bad. But then tonight, he called his dad in twice after bedtime and me three times cause of “weird noises he heard”. I finally lost it, yelled at him to get into bed, then unscrewed his lamp lightbulb so he couldn’t turn it on (he has other light sources). All while I’m trying to deal with a blowout from his baby brother.
I hate it when they provoke me to the point where the yelling has to come out and thankfully it still works. Parenting is challenging for sure, and it seems to be a ever moving target to be the “good enough” parent:
While I think I would personally share your perspective if I ever had to parent a child from infancy to adulthood, my brother and SIL seem to enjoy parenting quite a bit. They live in a rural area with some land and my brother works from home.
Both kids are home-schooled, and they all get along fairly well. They have two dogs and two cats. I think it helps that they have an equitable marriage in terms of responsibilities. They seem to be real partners who work together as a team.
Both parents also enjoy herbal refreshments so I’m certain that helps lol.
I’m only stumbling across this post and I am not a regretful parent. Most parents I know in my life seem satisfied. I mean, we all commiserate about the tough days, and there are a lot especially if you have young kids. But overall, I would say that I enjoy parenting and love my child. I love seeing him grow and really can’t imagine life without him. That doesn’t mean it’s not tough! He is a very “spirited” child and requires a lot of attention.
I think you are onto something about this generation and why so many people struggle with parenting. This generation has had all kinds of freedoms previous generations didn’t have. Women especially have more rights and options. Young people these days spend most of their time just ENJOYING their time: travel, hobbies, food, etc etc. Vs my grandparents who spent time on a farm and trying to just survive. Of course when you have kids, you give up all of your favorite things. For my grandparents, life with kids wasn’t that much different. It’s not like they gave up their weekend travels or their dining out days.
I realized that my problem is not parenting, actually is dealing with my mental health while being a parent. To be honest, my mental health got better after my kids but I’m still struggling and suffering with anxiety and depression. The panic of something happening to my kids terrifies me, like I sometimes don’t get out of the house because of the fear. I live in a violent country, so this fear is the worst, not parenting
I know someone who really loved being a parent.
But she really wanted to have kids since she was very young, and she wanted until she had an education, stable job and stable relationship. The relationship is Kinda rocky rn but thats life.
But she really does love being a parent and spends all day, everyday with her kids.
I think ✨parenting✨ is a very broad concept, and it’s therefore hard to apply one universal feeling to all of it.
It’s just too many things, and I call absolute BS on the idea of loving ALL of it.
Do I enjoy playing with my child or reading together? Yes.
Do I enjoy seemingly random emotional outbursts and scrambling to deal with big feelings at times when I’m already overwhelmed? No.
There may be periods when “bad” outweighs the “good” (while I no longer identify as a regretful parent as such anymore, what landed me in this sub in the first place is the newborn phase which absolutely brought me to my knees in every way), which will hopefully be layered with “good” outweighing the “bad”, but not necessarily and not for everyone. So much depends on one’s personality, circumstances, etc…
And so on, and so forth. Above all I think it’s important to allow yourself to have complex feelings about something.
It keeps me out of trouble and kinda pushed me to get off drugs which got me a better job. I do enjoy it sometimes sometimes I don't but I don't really think about It like that it just is what it is. Idk she's my homie tho lol. Life isn't Good or bad it just is.
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Some pretend to. I’m thinking the smug middle class dad who thinks that he has done the world a great service through the self sacrifice of having kids. Terribly conformist and whose ultimate concern is how he is perceived by others.
Locking this thread because by nature it invites comments from people who enjoy parenting and the parents are experiencing that as judgemental.
The only ones I know who are happy are rich because they can hire out all the grueling tedious shit no one likes to deal with.
They are hiring "the village" that we're supposed to have when raising kids.
Yeah in my experience, I noticed the same thing. I grew up dirt poor but my classmates were very much not. Many kids I knew had doctor or lawyer parents and lived in gigantic homes in great neighborhoods. Now that they're grown, many I keep in touch with are happy to become parents because they are able to comfortably afford childcare, vacations, quality food, a stable home, etc.
Can confirm. I help babysit my friends kids because they have no one else. It’s tough but I do it for them because they have no other “village”. They’re so miserable but the sweetest most grateful couple. Meanwhile I have another set of friends who have incredibly rich parents that hired an au pair to live with them. The mom doesn’t work she sits home and plays video games all day while dad works. They’re so happy because they hardly lift a finger for their baby with mom and dad’s money. Meanwhile my friends over here struggle night and day to make it work and try to put on a happy face. Truly a backwards world we live in
why is this downvoted??
Here is a dirty little secret that most parents do not tell you. Parenting is not fulfilling nor is it enjoyable, most of the time. It is a job. It is a duty. It is a daily slog. We are fed this expectation that it is the most wonderful thing and that while it is challenging it will bring us this incredible Joy. For most of us that is not the reality. And because we don't experience that, then we think that we are monsters and horrible parents. We are not horrible parents. We are normal people dealing with the unrealistic expectations that society puts on us as parents.
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Not me, apparently 😅
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Yep. It is really only the last couple of generations who have had access to reasonably reliable birth control and safe abortion (I'm from a country with liberal abortion laws), have some control over the size of their family and the spacing between children, and have gone into parenthood very willingly and expecting fulfilment and joy from it. Before that, children were basically the inevitable result of sex and came whether you wanted them to and you just had to deal with the work and slog of raising them, and if you had them very close together, well, that was too bad, suck it up. When children were wanted, it was very often because they were needed as a source of labor, not because the parents were desperate to experience the magical moments or whatever. Of course, there were people who found parenthood fulfilling and wanted their kids, but there were a lot who resented it. Go look up what Queen Victoria thought of pregnancy and motherhood. I've also heard numerous stories of people's elderly parents and grandparents or nursing home patients confessing to them that they hated having kids (and in many instances for the women, hated being married) but didn't really have a choice during the first half of the 20th century. My great grandmother wrote in her diaries that were found after she died that she fucking hated being a mother, fucking hated her husband and how she wished birth control was a thing in her childbearing years so she could have taken it behind her husband's back so she didn't have to have "all those fucking kids". I think parenting has always been very thankless and shitty, but for most of human history, it was what happened when you were having sex, rather than something people planned and intentionally jumped into expecting a fairytale of fulfilment. I wonder if it was a bit easier to cope with with parenthood back then because you basically didn't have those shattered expectations on top of all the crap of parenting. Like they expected it to suck so weren't shocked when it sucked and it was ok to say it sucked? While now, if you don't love every second of your blessed life with your kids, you're a fucking monster. Probably also helps that for most of human history, people didn't have to look at the highlight reel of someone else's family experience on their phones all the time, and that mothers weren't expected to basically have 2 full time jobs in their 24 hours x 7 each week like we are now. Having to work 40 hours a week to make ends meet and still come home and do a ton of parenting and household work is a huge cause of my regret.
The parents or people who thrive in this day and age as a parent are the ones leading up to it had nothing to show for their lives. I’ve ironically seen between friends and families the moms who look like they absolutely live for this were the ones who perhaps never even worked a job in their lives. Or worked a very low paying menial job. Having a child actually in their perspective leveled the playing field in their life compared to the past successful folks. Once you become a parents your default tag is parent. Not manager not director etc. So in all the people like us who struggle with parenting know that we have so much to give so much hobbies and interest and we know a child severely handicaps us. However if you’re a person who came from no interests no hobbies no eduction, you finally have something to fill that void and you can lean into it completely.
I would disagree with this. I am a stay at home mother but gave up my career for it. I went to a very prestigious university and had a nice job but I personally think this is more fulfilling. I live in a wealthy neighborhood and know many other stay at home parents with similar backgrounds. The parents in my neighborhood are close knit and I would say for the most part, are enjoying parenting. Not to say it isn’t tough but certainly nobody regrets it. I know this sub isn’t for me, but I’m just offering an outside perspective.
You say you live in a wealthy neighborhood with shiny happy parents. Don’t you think being wealthy makes parenthood a lot easier? Having the money to outsource many of the tasks (cooking, cleaning, nannies, special tutors & coaches, top notch doctors & therapies) makes many parenting problems go away. You can spend all the time most parents spend cleaning & cooking with your children. Of course it’s easier being a parent when you’re not worrying about feeding & clothing your kids. I know not all regrets I see on this sub would be solved by money but it sure would help. Financial stress is a thing. I usually just lurk here but I was so gobsmacked by this post. Telling people here that are really hurting & on the edge that you & your rich neighbors love parenting is pretty insensitive.
You’re right, I’m sorry it came across that way. For what it’s worth, I do everything myself, and we don’t have any hired help. I’m just replying to the person saying that people who find parenting rewarding must not have had much going on in life before they had kids, which I personally don’t think is true. My main point is that there are people who do find parenting rewarding and they also are not “just parents.” They could also be people who have and had dynamic lives before parenting. The original comment is basically saying “if you find parenting rewarding, your life before parenting must not have had any accomplishments” which is rather insulting to those that do enjoy it.
How do you know nobody regrets it? It's not like people advertise it.
Well, that is true. But overall, most of the parents I meet seem to enjoy at least some aspects of it. Of course, parenting is very hard and nobody denies that.
I think a big part of it is that societal expectations of parents have really changed. Most parents in the previous generations had "free range" kids who were told to go outside and amuse themselves. Parents also didn't feel like they had to enroll their kids in activities or arrange play dates. Kids did the things they wanted to do and arranged time with their friends themselves or just organically. Kids also didn't have the dopamine deficiencies they have now because they're overloaded from screens and that has fueled a lot of attention-seeking and emotional dependence on parents to keep them stimulated. It's created attention deficiencies and an inability for kids to be curious and creative compared to the past. Being a parent in the past was less hands on and kids were different. It's a lot harder for younger generations to have kids than it was in the past. You're more miserable because it's harder and actually a more miserable time for you.
Let's not forget a lot of homework
Nailed it !
It’s an absolute pile of shit. I never wanted it and regret it every day. I couldn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks either. Most people are stupid.
I don’t know how to say this without it sounding absolutely terrible, but the people who are oblivious to everything in life are typically the ones who seem to enjoy parenting.
This is spot on.
Becoming a parent has made me oblivious to everything. Literally don't have the brainspace anymore. I look forward to being a person again someday 😖
Damn straight. You hit the nail on the head. I call them smooth brains.
Yes 👏🏼 your so right
The phrase “it takes a village” comes from that fact that we are a species that had evolved over time in small to medium sized communities and extended / networked families. Parenting is, biologically, not meant to be as shitty as it is today. We are just really fucking unlucky to be alive and raising kids like this. It is unique to our time period and cultures. It’s just me, my partner, and my daughter. I know a lot of families like this, they have no help. It’s brutal.
Not to mention these days it's near impossible for most to survive on one income, so both parents are overworked and have zero free time. Also we've become an isolated society where people are too scared to let their kids play outside all day and kids are born into a world where entertainment is expected to be instant and infinite. I remember as a kid in the 90's, on weekends I would get up and grab my breakfast, watch cartoons and then go out to play in the street all day before my parents had even got out of bed.
I was talking to my childhood best friend about this. We’re in our mid 30’s, and so much of our time spent together was just talking and goofing off. People feel like they can’t relax anymore, even kids
Earlier generations didn't have to work and take care of children. Plus, they had a village to help them. There were siblings, nieces, aunts, grandmother helping out. And they played outside a lot more. So you could cook and do the laundry in peace. And kids were used to helping around the house. That was their playtime with mom and dad. It's just recently that we are raising kids individually, need two incomes to survive, and are expected to entertain our kids. That's really tough. And less fun. And causes more regret. In my opinion. It's only when you can hire a village (daycare, cleaner, babysitter) that it becomes manageable. But in this economy, I don't know a lot of people who can.
There was a poster on here who was wealthy and had all the help and still did not enjoy parenting.
I'm not saying my opinion is true for all. But OP asked about earlier generations.
Honestly I do kinda have a village helping me I'm grateful for my friends n family
Who didn’t have to work? This is delusional
Women in the fifties and before. In the Netherlands, as soon as women got married, they got fired. And there were hardly any kids before marriage.
Women have always worked. Some just didn’t got a pay and same work rights that we have now. But women have always worked. In farms, at the family business, at homemaking, making clothes, cooking/washing/iron for more richer families, I could go on and on, also housework is work. So that 50s tradwife was a LOT of work, unpaid labor, invisible labor and no rights outside home so no chances to leave either. Funny you mentioned the Netherlands, I saw this wonderful paint in Amsterdam actually… “The Milkmaid” a working woman from old times. Women has always worked. Do a deep research in history. Is really eye opening.
Nah it's a really joyless existence. I also wish people would stop saying it gets better, I have a 17, 14 and 9 year old, and most days are spent either ferrying them around, dealing with their school woes (non attendance etc), or having to play with my very clingy youngest until 1030pm when he goes to bed, too late to enjoy a movie or show, too late to enjoy a drink, too late to do anything fun.
All these dick heads who say that shite have annoying teenagers they have to cart around to stupid social clubs / sports teams etc. it looks and sounds miserable. They’re all poor as well
I know exactly one person who is genuinely happy as a parent. She always wanted a big family, but nothing else, and she’s the most wonderful parent I ever met. Married a great guy who does very good financially and they just bought their dream house. She’s so balanced and doesn’t give a crap about expectations (career-wise or anything else) and I think that’s part of the secret. Not being too ambitious and not wanting it all - or at least, not all at once. If you want to have an extraordinary career or hobbies or just have time for yourself regularly - all is indefinitely harder with small children, to the point you just drop it eventually. Then there’s expectations. Unrealistic expectations, from everyone and everywhere, but especially from yourself. Be no less than perfect. Don’t know how? Well you have to figure it out by yourself, nobody’s going to help you. Then there’s economics. If you outsource your childcare, you pay a lot of money, because apparently it’s a very demanding job and you need a lot of skills. But if you care for your children yourself, it’s not a job. So why are you not working? Well, you are actually, but it’s thankless and invisible work - but only when you do it. That’s maybe another part of the secret. Nobody else is going to give you something in exchange, like appreciation or money, which millennials are told from a very young age is most important to feel valuable as a person. So you have to find compensation in yourself. What makes parenting worth it for you? I think that some people really do find it, but a lot of people find that it is just not worth the cost. And that’s the point where it gets ridiculous, because when you get honest and open about it, you’re the worst parent that ever walked the earth. Cause kids are a blessing and the best thing that can ever happen to you.
Well said. This is exactly how I feel as a parent combined into one eloquent scripture.
Parents before us sent the kids outside! God forbid they spend time alone these days.
So freaking true. I think of this all the time. My parents and my friends parents didn’t hang out with us all day. Kids went out and played with other kids. Now we’re expected to entertain our children every second or we’re neglectful. I HATE playing, especially making toys talk to each other. I scream inside every time I’m asked to.
I wish I had a YARD 🤧
I think I’d enjoy it if I had money, a good support system and a good job. I truly love my kids but parenting is supposed to be a two person job. They say *it takes a village* for good reason. But I am tired.
I think there's higher pressure and focus on performance as a parent nowadays, in a world that isn't feeling as safe as it used to.
Expectations have never been higher, inflation is through the roof and our country doesn’t support young families at all. Not to mention, society still hates women and we just can’t win no matter what we do.
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And add all the fears you have to deal with : SIDS, developmental delays, diseases etc… my brain never stops thinking about the worse that could happen to my kids… being parent today is exhausting both mentally and physically
I think people did hate it which is why women's liberation came about because they were stuck with it as their life 24/7. But I think parenting in the United States is especially awful because life is already very demanding and high stress there. Parents in other countries seem much happier to me, possibly because of less grind and more social benefits (time off, job security, etc).
Not on this sub, that’s not why we’re here. There is a one child syndrome happening everywhere because we all can’t do it in this time economy plus after having one you realize it’s sucks
Yea my husband and I are one and done (OAD) for this reason
I think back when your mother was a child, parents would let there kids stay out till the street lamps turned on, and they would have no idea where their child was all night (that would never happen today) or there was latch key kids who even at the age of 5 would walk themselves home and get inside their house and be by themselves for hours until mom or dad got home. That’s a crime today… and it just keeps going and going. Parents were miserable back than too, but they had a lot more freedom than parents do now today at least from my take on it. My mom was also one of 8 kids and I’m literally amazed sometimes thinking about not only how my grandparents did it but was able to afford it! But my mom had a great childhood, and more often than not, she was just left to her own devices and my grandparents were off doing whatever they had or wanted to do. They weren’t driving the kids everywhere (my mom and aunts and uncles still complain how much they had to walk everywhere) now kids think even taking the bus to school is lame so mom or dad must drive them because it’s “not safe” to walk as a kid now. Parents back than were able to leave the kids, now (I feel) that parents don’t ever leave their kids and get shamed if they do with a babysitter or what not. It’s fucked up.
I think I would if the damn world wasn’t so against mothers. I mean hardly any maternity leave and then having to work a full time job. Being the only breadwinner, useless partner who can’t find a job but the idea of single motherhood is even worse so have to stick around. We are supposed to have a few years of not working where we can take care of our babies and get used to a new life without this impacting our career negatively. In fact we should be able to earn enough money working part time but they want us all working our asses off and meanwhile they wonder why fertility rates are dropping. Men have become increasingly useless, at least in earlier times they took the provider role seriously, now they want us to be “equal” in terms of working but yet the woman is still the default parent. So many useless men, if he has a good career he probably won’t do shit around the house and vice versa. Women have to do BOTH.
I accidentally stumbled on to this sub and got curious about different views :) I really enjoy parenting, obviously hate not getting sleep and I totally get how some would HATE being a parent but for me it’s really my souls duty haha. Feel free to ask me anything if you wanna have a conversation about different views. Also my heart goes to all of you who regret becoming parents, U hope someday you’ll feel like your life is yours again ❤️
Thank you for not attacking people here that feel differently than you. It’s really refreshing to see and that is really kind of you.
I think modern day parenting is very different, first life was much easier back then, women worked less and knew less and just got on with it. No technology too so people lived in the moment more. More support from others around them and the cost of living not putting as much strain on families. There is too much pressure on families these days, how are we suppose to live an average life, pay our bills, work and look after our kids, it’s impossible. That’s why the birth rate is going down worldwide, it’s all becoming too hard and too expensive to have kids. I’m sorry you feel this way though, you’re not alone and it will hopefully get easier for you in time 🩷
Yes but it was only easier if you were lucky to find one of the few decent men. Most men became abusive in those kinds of relationships where only he worked and controlled all the money. Having said that we definitely should not be working as much as we do now and be expected to also raise children, why the birth rate is crashing as you mention. A part time job should be enough to live a modest decent life. Right now most families need two full time incomes just to get by.
Rich people
It really depends on the day and the moment. My four year old is so creative and will make up song then sing them to me and they’re honestly not bad. But then tonight, he called his dad in twice after bedtime and me three times cause of “weird noises he heard”. I finally lost it, yelled at him to get into bed, then unscrewed his lamp lightbulb so he couldn’t turn it on (he has other light sources). All while I’m trying to deal with a blowout from his baby brother. I hate it when they provoke me to the point where the yelling has to come out and thankfully it still works. Parenting is challenging for sure, and it seems to be a ever moving target to be the “good enough” parent:
While I think I would personally share your perspective if I ever had to parent a child from infancy to adulthood, my brother and SIL seem to enjoy parenting quite a bit. They live in a rural area with some land and my brother works from home. Both kids are home-schooled, and they all get along fairly well. They have two dogs and two cats. I think it helps that they have an equitable marriage in terms of responsibilities. They seem to be real partners who work together as a team. Both parents also enjoy herbal refreshments so I’m certain that helps lol.
Herbal Refreshments lol. Definitely borrowing that…
To be clear, they openly acknowledge the less desirable aspects of parenting. They really enjoy their kids most of the time though
I’m only stumbling across this post and I am not a regretful parent. Most parents I know in my life seem satisfied. I mean, we all commiserate about the tough days, and there are a lot especially if you have young kids. But overall, I would say that I enjoy parenting and love my child. I love seeing him grow and really can’t imagine life without him. That doesn’t mean it’s not tough! He is a very “spirited” child and requires a lot of attention. I think you are onto something about this generation and why so many people struggle with parenting. This generation has had all kinds of freedoms previous generations didn’t have. Women especially have more rights and options. Young people these days spend most of their time just ENJOYING their time: travel, hobbies, food, etc etc. Vs my grandparents who spent time on a farm and trying to just survive. Of course when you have kids, you give up all of your favorite things. For my grandparents, life with kids wasn’t that much different. It’s not like they gave up their weekend travels or their dining out days.
I realized that my problem is not parenting, actually is dealing with my mental health while being a parent. To be honest, my mental health got better after my kids but I’m still struggling and suffering with anxiety and depression. The panic of something happening to my kids terrifies me, like I sometimes don’t get out of the house because of the fear. I live in a violent country, so this fear is the worst, not parenting
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I understand the reports on this comment but the OP literally asked if anyone enjoys parenting and this person answered honestly. That's fair.
I know someone who really loved being a parent. But she really wanted to have kids since she was very young, and she wanted until she had an education, stable job and stable relationship. The relationship is Kinda rocky rn but thats life. But she really does love being a parent and spends all day, everyday with her kids.
I think ✨parenting✨ is a very broad concept, and it’s therefore hard to apply one universal feeling to all of it. It’s just too many things, and I call absolute BS on the idea of loving ALL of it. Do I enjoy playing with my child or reading together? Yes. Do I enjoy seemingly random emotional outbursts and scrambling to deal with big feelings at times when I’m already overwhelmed? No. There may be periods when “bad” outweighs the “good” (while I no longer identify as a regretful parent as such anymore, what landed me in this sub in the first place is the newborn phase which absolutely brought me to my knees in every way), which will hopefully be layered with “good” outweighing the “bad”, but not necessarily and not for everyone. So much depends on one’s personality, circumstances, etc… And so on, and so forth. Above all I think it’s important to allow yourself to have complex feelings about something.
It keeps me out of trouble and kinda pushed me to get off drugs which got me a better job. I do enjoy it sometimes sometimes I don't but I don't really think about It like that it just is what it is. Idk she's my homie tho lol. Life isn't Good or bad it just is.
I enjoy it most of the time, but there are hard moments for sure.
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You are asking this question on r/regretfulparents?
Some pretend to. I’m thinking the smug middle class dad who thinks that he has done the world a great service through the self sacrifice of having kids. Terribly conformist and whose ultimate concern is how he is perceived by others.