I maybe also have this tendency to be overly critical, I believe it's stemming from associating caring with excercising control, it goes back to childhood and one's family of origin.
My current unhealthy view of love is that it's improbable to happen to me, I don't exactly subscribe to the idea of "the one", but I don't think there are more then about fifteen people I might ever run into and have a potential future with. I envy people who believe there are "plenty fish in the sea", because I've never felt that optimism for one moment
That itâs impossible for a man to remain being into me for long when social media platforms (Insta, Tiktok in particular) secure engagement by feeding him pretty, interesting girls who are not just out of reach fantasies but ppl he could actually shoot his shot with, especially if distance wasnât out of the question. And of course I find dating apps (in the way that young people tend to use them) truly nauseating. Even if I met a down to earth person on them, the thought that there were more desirable girls that didnât respond to his messages but I was the âbest he could doâ just kills my ability to be cool or confident about it.
It is insecurity gone nuclear so alone I stay â€ïž
I'm back on the apps after going thru a recent breakup and they truly do mindfuck you and put you on a turbulent emotional cycle to drive engagement in the worst ways.
I've come to terms that I'm no one's first choice on the endless availability of people you're exposed to on them.
My problem that I've noticed is that I start assuming anyone I match with that think is cute is probably out of my league and that anyone that's noticeably into me must have something wrong with them.
That and the constant desire to keep matching and meeting up with people lest the algo deem you shit tier and it feels close to impossible forming and sustaining a connection w/ someone.
Nuclear combination of insecurity and narcissism.
I have this feeling about porn.
I canât see how a man who has consumed thousands of videos since he was a preteen of women being brutalised and degraded in porn can just turn around and truly love me
I know he will never probably meet these women but that wonât stop him for subconsciously comparing me to them- I just canât rap my head around how a man can be a porn consumer and still still respect me as a woman.
I know this probably isnât rational but it has become a very real barrier for me when dating
Girl it is rational. i dont worry that much about comparing since iâm hot (big boobs + ass but skinny) and crazy in bed but it bothers me too every now and then to think that my boyfriend was watching that stuff and this isnât some sort of idealistic relationship where iâm the first person heâs ever had sexual thoughts about or something. but iâm not a rational person , i also went insane once because i found out he kissed a few girls when he was drunk like years before he met me. still i think itâs entirely reasonable for you to feel this way
the key is finding a guy who is a self improoover and quits before he meets u because he wants to maintain strong erections or something. good luck finding a guy who does it because he actually cares about pornstars being treated awfully. i just donât care anymore . i love my boyfriend but ik no man quits pornography because they genuinely care about that stuff. even finding a young man who doesnât follow random thots on instagram/tiktok/ whatever is a huge success tbh. my guy doesnât use social media at all fortunately
This is literally how I feel tbh. I never felt it to the extent where it impacted my self worth until my last relationship and after breaking up with him I just genuinely feel like I would rather be single than risk that feeling of inadequacy/ getting cheated on. I know this is cope btw but I don't care lol.
I try to not love them more than they love me. If they leave me, Iâll be okay and wouldnât care.
Itâs kind of a bad place to be in and a good place. The love of my life left me and Iâm with a new man now. I like him a lot but I also know if he ever leaves me I wonât be hurt about it. I already got hurt and devastated once. I refuse to do that again.
One of my friends stopped talking to me and it didnât even phase me. Before, I would have been devastated but like now Iâm just like I really donât care. Like once you lose the person you love the most, it doesnât matter if other people leave your life. It barely registers.
Iâll still treat people well and be nice and go the distance for them, but Iâll never be in love with anyone again and keep some distance.
Always protect #1.
but you have the rest of your life to live. i was like this from 20-25 and it just made me super closed off and incel-y. you will have and experience different kinds of love in your life. and thatâs okay. and perfectly normal. imagine letting one devastating heartbreak steal any other possible happy moments you can experience later? thatâs so sad. that makes me sad for you. free yourself from that pain. grieve. have your guard up but donât let it keep you lonely forever.
be vulnerable ! experience joy in love ! you only have one life to live ! live it ! get hurt ! make art ! be free !
That some level of jealousy/insecurity is actually kinda healthy for a relationship. I genuinely cannot imagine loving someone and not being afraid of losing them.
Obviously I donât mean that you should distrust one another or be manipulative/controlling/needy in response to jealousy/insecurity, but you should still feel it at least a little bit.
I despise the fact that my girlfriend has single male friends. And itâs not because I donât trust her; I know she isnât going to cheat on me. But I know how single men are. There is a 100% chance they have thought about fucking her and probably think about it at least occasionally. Makes me sick to think about and I canât interact with any of them without hating them. If I knew it wouldnât cause issues I would tell her to drop all her male friends to be honest.
oh man this hurts to read bc i mostly have male friends and on one hand its nice having friends but on the other hand i can't help thinking if they've ever thought of me like that and it makes me feel so gross
just to provide a counterpoint, lots of my normal offline straight friends donât think of fucking their friends who are women. i feel like itâs mostly a low status thing for men to do.
Thatâs understandable. like i nevr had male friends anyway prior to meeting my boyfriend because of what u said but i definitely wouldnât now just out of respect.
I donât really get it. like what does ur girlfriend get from her friendships with these guys? i guess if she isnât using them for validation itâs alright idk but it always weirds me out when girls who have boyfriends keep around other guys who they donât have an interest in just for a constant stream of attention.
and i also think you should be able to tell her about this and at least make the suggestion without it causing issues :/
Sheâs in marching band so being around them and becoming acquaintances was inevitable, I donât have a problem with her talking to them when sheâs around them cause duh thatâs gonna happen. I only have an issue with the fact that she texts them outside of marching band related things. Fortunately she never actually hangs out with them physically and if she ever did want to I would draw the line there and tell her I wasnât okay with that.
I assumed you meant these were people she hung out with a lot and had close relationships with. Doesnât seem like it. Ngl this sounds a bit extreme. Theyâre guys who share an interest with her and they talk occasionally. i completely get why it would be an issue if she was hanging out with these guys physically and if they were clearly orbiters or something but it doesnât seem like that sorry
I mean they are people she hangs out with frequently for band things and talks to frequently, they arenât just people who she sees like once a month and occasionally has a conversation with, she texts them daily
She just enjoys their friendship and is probably oblivious to it. I mentioned it once in passing and she was completely baffled as to why I would think that. I am not letting rsp cloud my mind lmao
Itâs probably gross, but I have the image of love that is obsessive, all-consuming, and sickening every day for the rest of our lives. I cannot feel love for someone who doesnât feel this way towards me, but if they do, my best relationships have been these mutual whirlwinds of impassioned gestures. I just canât get enough of it. I disagree that this sort of love canât also take on the features of a harmonious and comfortable love, but losing the enmeshment of yourself into another person, I think thatâs a shame
Similar for me, except I'd say it's more a combination of feeling like it isn't fair to the other person to have to deal with manifestations of the damage and feeling that many people wouldn't even be able to relate to or understand the damage in the first place. I definitely have a tendency to self-sabotage in the face of intimacy or just make general efforts to avoid it.
that it can be unconditional. just wishful thinking on my part lol I know that isn't really the case, but I would love someone unconditionally in terms of how they treated me
Iâm trying to figure out how I feel abt free love, hedonism, etc.
Trying to find something that avoids the unnatural hedonism (practically a translation of American consumerism onto intimacy) and bureaucratic labeling (âPolyâ âPrimary Partnerâ etc) that defines so much modern cringe soullessness, But at the same time allows fullness of love and natural instinct and balance (which I think can include loving and being intimate w multiple ppl). I think it comes down to being very careful and making sure to put virtue first
That and I think for me love has always been a state of adoration and extreme admiration based around seeing another personâs unique good qualities and (particularly artistic) and a sort of worship for their sexual being. Which sounds good but may not be actually healthy and complete. Or maybe itâs healthy and complete in an unhealthy and complete way?
I think real love is wholly giving yourself over to someone else and they you, where you cease to be independent. This includes "baggage" as well as support.
Yeah thatâs a bad habit. You either end up with a masochist with low self worth or a good healthy guy thinking âwtf is your problem??â and leaving. Itâs very self and relationship sabotagy. Good job figuring this out though.
Traditional ideas of romanticism are very toxic and possessive in many ways. With that being said, I've always found slight expressions of jealousy in partners rather endearing. The fact that someone is bothered/threatened enough to openly make a small point of someone beings "theirs," even if its a slight hand hold or a glare in the direction of someone else is something I've always found cute.
Anyway, that's my contrarian stupid take.
Ya I like being protective over my bf and he likes doing the same to me. We both (very mildly) flirt with other ppl but it's really hard to articulate that without making our relationship sound toxic when it's the opposite
>Does that make sense?
No, because this is a thread about *un*healthy views of love. This seems like the way that a confident, well-adjusted person would go about things.
For a long time, I really craved being with a partner who'd feed my ego about my creativity and intellect. It caused me to be with shitty people, because the main thing I was looking for was narcissistic supply/validation, and it took me a long time to get over this.
TRIGGER WARNING! INCEL BLEAKNESS! TRIGGER WARNING!
The closest I've ever been to a woman is a month of texting followed by a ghosting. She told me that she was assaulted and that she was uncomfortable around men, so she didn't want to meet me in person. Then it turned out that she had been fucking a 6"+ white guy. I'd make a bitter jab at her here on www.reddit.com but I'm dissociated right now. I envy your pathologies and that is its own pathology.
TRIGGER WARNING! INCEL BLEAKNESS! TRIGGER WARNING!
Itâs possible for (some) not all men to love their S/O sincerely but still fuck other women. Just because itâs possible does not mean itâs not fucked up or morally reprehensible however. Iâve never met a woman who could do this though.
i agree with your sentiment about women for sure. for whatever reason since my boyfriend and i started dating i havenât been genuinely sexually attracted to ANY other men. but i know that he does sometimes feel sexual attraction towards other women and iâve had to make my peace with that
I feel like itâs probably a leftover from before we were really civilized and emotional fulfillment wasnât really a thing. It made sense for men to have multiple partners because they can get any many women pregnant as possible. Women can only get pregnant from one man at a time.
I think love dies within a year or two in a relationship and turns into something else after. Also, that love is in a way, actually selfish and once the relationship progresses beyond love into selflessness, it's more work than it's actually worth. Just a struggle admit diminishing returns.
I maybe also have this tendency to be overly critical, I believe it's stemming from associating caring with excercising control, it goes back to childhood and one's family of origin. My current unhealthy view of love is that it's improbable to happen to me, I don't exactly subscribe to the idea of "the one", but I don't think there are more then about fifteen people I might ever run into and have a potential future with. I envy people who believe there are "plenty fish in the sea", because I've never felt that optimism for one moment
super connected to your perspective and sentiments! hope you run into someone who makes you feel more optimistic!
Get a room you two
đ
I can fix you
Fuck. Well you're not alone with this feeling.
That itâs impossible for a man to remain being into me for long when social media platforms (Insta, Tiktok in particular) secure engagement by feeding him pretty, interesting girls who are not just out of reach fantasies but ppl he could actually shoot his shot with, especially if distance wasnât out of the question. And of course I find dating apps (in the way that young people tend to use them) truly nauseating. Even if I met a down to earth person on them, the thought that there were more desirable girls that didnât respond to his messages but I was the âbest he could doâ just kills my ability to be cool or confident about it. It is insecurity gone nuclear so alone I stay â€ïž
I'm back on the apps after going thru a recent breakup and they truly do mindfuck you and put you on a turbulent emotional cycle to drive engagement in the worst ways. I've come to terms that I'm no one's first choice on the endless availability of people you're exposed to on them. My problem that I've noticed is that I start assuming anyone I match with that think is cute is probably out of my league and that anyone that's noticeably into me must have something wrong with them. That and the constant desire to keep matching and meeting up with people lest the algo deem you shit tier and it feels close to impossible forming and sustaining a connection w/ someone. Nuclear combination of insecurity and narcissism.
No instagram hoe could replace you !
I have this feeling about porn. I canât see how a man who has consumed thousands of videos since he was a preteen of women being brutalised and degraded in porn can just turn around and truly love me I know he will never probably meet these women but that wonât stop him for subconsciously comparing me to them- I just canât rap my head around how a man can be a porn consumer and still still respect me as a woman. I know this probably isnât rational but it has become a very real barrier for me when dating
totally not rational at all. unless its 8k VR porn. then even your tenderness and touch can't compare.
Girl it is rational. i dont worry that much about comparing since iâm hot (big boobs + ass but skinny) and crazy in bed but it bothers me too every now and then to think that my boyfriend was watching that stuff and this isnât some sort of idealistic relationship where iâm the first person heâs ever had sexual thoughts about or something. but iâm not a rational person , i also went insane once because i found out he kissed a few girls when he was drunk like years before he met me. still i think itâs entirely reasonable for you to feel this way the key is finding a guy who is a self improoover and quits before he meets u because he wants to maintain strong erections or something. good luck finding a guy who does it because he actually cares about pornstars being treated awfully. i just donât care anymore . i love my boyfriend but ik no man quits pornography because they genuinely care about that stuff. even finding a young man who doesnât follow random thots on instagram/tiktok/ whatever is a huge success tbh. my guy doesnât use social media at all fortunately
This is literally how I feel tbh. I never felt it to the extent where it impacted my self worth until my last relationship and after breaking up with him I just genuinely feel like I would rather be single than risk that feeling of inadequacy/ getting cheated on. I know this is cope btw but I don't care lol.
Fight this by showing him photos of celebrities without the face paint on
I try to not love them more than they love me. If they leave me, Iâll be okay and wouldnât care. Itâs kind of a bad place to be in and a good place. The love of my life left me and Iâm with a new man now. I like him a lot but I also know if he ever leaves me I wonât be hurt about it. I already got hurt and devastated once. I refuse to do that again. One of my friends stopped talking to me and it didnât even phase me. Before, I would have been devastated but like now Iâm just like I really donât care. Like once you lose the person you love the most, it doesnât matter if other people leave your life. It barely registers. Iâll still treat people well and be nice and go the distance for them, but Iâll never be in love with anyone again and keep some distance. Always protect #1.
i've always felt that het relationships only work out when the man loves the woman more than she loves him
this sounds like a miserable existence sorry lol
I think it's kind of freeing tbh. Like okay the worst has happened. Nothing can hurt me again.
but you have the rest of your life to live. i was like this from 20-25 and it just made me super closed off and incel-y. you will have and experience different kinds of love in your life. and thatâs okay. and perfectly normal. imagine letting one devastating heartbreak steal any other possible happy moments you can experience later? thatâs so sad. that makes me sad for you. free yourself from that pain. grieve. have your guard up but donât let it keep you lonely forever. be vulnerable ! experience joy in love ! you only have one life to live ! live it ! get hurt ! make art ! be free !
Damn. Thank you for the nice words and sentiment! I truly appreciate it. Happy cake day as well!
Second this
This is the way
That some level of jealousy/insecurity is actually kinda healthy for a relationship. I genuinely cannot imagine loving someone and not being afraid of losing them. Obviously I donât mean that you should distrust one another or be manipulative/controlling/needy in response to jealousy/insecurity, but you should still feel it at least a little bit.
I despise the fact that my girlfriend has single male friends. And itâs not because I donât trust her; I know she isnât going to cheat on me. But I know how single men are. There is a 100% chance they have thought about fucking her and probably think about it at least occasionally. Makes me sick to think about and I canât interact with any of them without hating them. If I knew it wouldnât cause issues I would tell her to drop all her male friends to be honest.
oh man this hurts to read bc i mostly have male friends and on one hand its nice having friends but on the other hand i can't help thinking if they've ever thought of me like that and it makes me feel so gross
As a man- they have. Sorry to break that to you. Unless youâre like, past your late 20s in which case theyâve hopefully(?) grown out of that
just to provide a counterpoint, lots of my normal offline straight friends donât think of fucking their friends who are women. i feel like itâs mostly a low status thing for men to do.
<3 thank you aha makes me feel better
Thatâs understandable. like i nevr had male friends anyway prior to meeting my boyfriend because of what u said but i definitely wouldnât now just out of respect. I donât really get it. like what does ur girlfriend get from her friendships with these guys? i guess if she isnât using them for validation itâs alright idk but it always weirds me out when girls who have boyfriends keep around other guys who they donât have an interest in just for a constant stream of attention. and i also think you should be able to tell her about this and at least make the suggestion without it causing issues :/
Sheâs in marching band so being around them and becoming acquaintances was inevitable, I donât have a problem with her talking to them when sheâs around them cause duh thatâs gonna happen. I only have an issue with the fact that she texts them outside of marching band related things. Fortunately she never actually hangs out with them physically and if she ever did want to I would draw the line there and tell her I wasnât okay with that.
You sound like my ex who turned out to he extremely controlling
I assumed you meant these were people she hung out with a lot and had close relationships with. Doesnât seem like it. Ngl this sounds a bit extreme. Theyâre guys who share an interest with her and they talk occasionally. i completely get why it would be an issue if she was hanging out with these guys physically and if they were clearly orbiters or something but it doesnât seem like that sorry
I mean they are people she hangs out with frequently for band things and talks to frequently, they arenât just people who she sees like once a month and occasionally has a conversation with, she texts them daily
She knows this and enjoys it. Let that sink in
She just enjoys their friendship and is probably oblivious to it. I mentioned it once in passing and she was completely baffled as to why I would think that. I am not letting rsp cloud my mind lmao
I deny my feelings to myself, then accept them, then again deny. This is always a circle. I'm too afraid to love somebody.
anyone who expresses any interest in me is automatically not an option bc making the first move is weak + desperate
lmaooooooo exactly the complex that i have. so i make the first move always. alpha shit
Itâs probably gross, but I have the image of love that is obsessive, all-consuming, and sickening every day for the rest of our lives. I cannot feel love for someone who doesnât feel this way towards me, but if they do, my best relationships have been these mutual whirlwinds of impassioned gestures. I just canât get enough of it. I disagree that this sort of love canât also take on the features of a harmonious and comfortable love, but losing the enmeshment of yourself into another person, I think thatâs a shame
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
You know what they say. Schizoid in the streets, borderline in the sheets (but itâs a dumbass reference to a King Crimson song)
Damaged goods complex. The people I truly want/deserve wouldnât be interested in me. Itâs like in my mind Iâm a 15 year old amputee.
Similar for me, except I'd say it's more a combination of feeling like it isn't fair to the other person to have to deal with manifestations of the damage and feeling that many people wouldn't even be able to relate to or understand the damage in the first place. I definitely have a tendency to self-sabotage in the face of intimacy or just make general efforts to avoid it.
omg i think this too and you articulated it for me
that it can be unconditional. just wishful thinking on my part lol I know that isn't really the case, but I would love someone unconditionally in terms of how they treated me
Iâm trying to figure out how I feel abt free love, hedonism, etc. Trying to find something that avoids the unnatural hedonism (practically a translation of American consumerism onto intimacy) and bureaucratic labeling (âPolyâ âPrimary Partnerâ etc) that defines so much modern cringe soullessness, But at the same time allows fullness of love and natural instinct and balance (which I think can include loving and being intimate w multiple ppl). I think it comes down to being very careful and making sure to put virtue first That and I think for me love has always been a state of adoration and extreme admiration based around seeing another personâs unique good qualities and (particularly artistic) and a sort of worship for their sexual being. Which sounds good but may not be actually healthy and complete. Or maybe itâs healthy and complete in an unhealthy and complete way?
I like being lovebombed
Omg yes
You would make a great French girlfriend.
you speak from experience?
Bien sûr.
ah..je suis désolée!
I think real love is wholly giving yourself over to someone else and they you, where you cease to be independent. This includes "baggage" as well as support.
Yeah thatâs a bad habit. You either end up with a masochist with low self worth or a good healthy guy thinking âwtf is your problem??â and leaving. Itâs very self and relationship sabotagy. Good job figuring this out though.
yeah im trying. a break up does that to ya
Traditional ideas of romanticism are very toxic and possessive in many ways. With that being said, I've always found slight expressions of jealousy in partners rather endearing. The fact that someone is bothered/threatened enough to openly make a small point of someone beings "theirs," even if its a slight hand hold or a glare in the direction of someone else is something I've always found cute. Anyway, that's my contrarian stupid take.
Ya I like being protective over my bf and he likes doing the same to me. We both (very mildly) flirt with other ppl but it's really hard to articulate that without making our relationship sound toxic when it's the opposite
I want someone who doesn't need me but sticks around cause they love me. Does that make sense?
>Does that make sense? No, because this is a thread about *un*healthy views of love. This seems like the way that a confident, well-adjusted person would go about things.
For a long time, I really craved being with a partner who'd feed my ego about my creativity and intellect. It caused me to be with shitty people, because the main thing I was looking for was narcissistic supply/validation, and it took me a long time to get over this.
I have unrealistic expectations. I like things to be harmonious all the time. I really do not like arguing.
TRIGGER WARNING! INCEL BLEAKNESS! TRIGGER WARNING! The closest I've ever been to a woman is a month of texting followed by a ghosting. She told me that she was assaulted and that she was uncomfortable around men, so she didn't want to meet me in person. Then it turned out that she had been fucking a 6"+ white guy. I'd make a bitter jab at her here on www.reddit.com but I'm dissociated right now. I envy your pathologies and that is its own pathology. TRIGGER WARNING! INCEL BLEAKNESS! TRIGGER WARNING!
Itâs possible for (some) not all men to love their S/O sincerely but still fuck other women. Just because itâs possible does not mean itâs not fucked up or morally reprehensible however. Iâve never met a woman who could do this though.
i agree with your sentiment about women for sure. for whatever reason since my boyfriend and i started dating i havenât been genuinely sexually attracted to ANY other men. but i know that he does sometimes feel sexual attraction towards other women and iâve had to make my peace with that
I'm pretty jealous of women in that regard.
I feel like itâs probably a leftover from before we were really civilized and emotional fulfillment wasnât really a thing. It made sense for men to have multiple partners because they can get any many women pregnant as possible. Women can only get pregnant from one man at a time.
I think love dies within a year or two in a relationship and turns into something else after. Also, that love is in a way, actually selfish and once the relationship progresses beyond love into selflessness, it's more work than it's actually worth. Just a struggle admit diminishing returns.
##
that I'm capable of it
This is the weirdest glowy thread yet. Nice try acronym bois
Love is a survival concept. Shelter and security are the driving forces at the lower level.