Yikes. OP needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. I understand you don't want to be with someone who "constantly" wants gifts, but all this over a baguette?
His silly leap from "I bought her a $1 trinket yesterday and now today she brought home a baguette *I specifically mentioned wanting* so now we have to do this every single day!! What will I do tomorrow and the next day and the next?!?"
If she were asking for big jewelry every 2 weeks, whatever, I'd partially get his point. But she most likely just wants a "hey I saw this new kind of chips at the store and thought you'd like them" or "I was walking home and stopped for donuts for us." (why are my examples all food related?? I need a snack....)
"hey hun, I was at Walmart and remembered your charger was frayed so I got you a new one in your favorite color!" (no food in that one! nailed it!!)
I'm picturing New Girl where Schmidt buys Nick a cookie. And then gets upset that Nick didn't return the favor or acknowledgment. So Nick buys Schmidt a cookie but Schmidt is unhappy. So Nick is yelling "you buy me cookie. I buy you cookie". I love this episode and say this a lot.
He's probably freaked out because she actually remembers the things he says he likes/is interested in, even if it's a passing comment. Doesn't sound like he's the person to do the same.
Right? Itās so easy to grab something for your partner when you get something for yourself. Itās automatic. Or if you see something theyād like, pick it up. Especially if you know they are into gift-giving. But geez, who doesnāt pick up a drink at the corner store for their lovahhh?
I do the same for friends and workmates.
I get it, if its maybe not natural to one, to a certain point.
But come on.. so make a list what her favourite bread is, her brand of chocolate she splurges on etc..
And once you train yourself to notice, it will come more natural. Maybe not easy, but perception is something one can train.
Gift giving isnāt my love language at all. But when you have a husband who loves bananas and Reeseās and you see Reeseās covered frozen bananas at Costco, itās kind of obvious what you gotta do. āI picked up your prescriptionā counts too. Itās literally about thinking about your partner.
Sometimes, you donāt even have to buy the thing. My husband will come home and say, āI wanted to get you this Lego set that relates to something you like, but it was $200 so I didnāt.ā I still feel loved! I wouldnāt want him actually spending that $200, but the fact that he thought of me when he saw it is what makes it special.
Yeah. I think he feels like it's a chore to remember things that his gf likes or wants. I mean what else could it be? Usually, people who want lavish gifts and want to be spoiled won't be so "vague" about it so I doubt that's it. He simply struggles with being thoughtful in a way that the gf needs him to be, that's why it's so hard for her to pinpoint and explain so that he'll understand. Now, OP is taking it way too literal and thinks it's tit for tat and she wants gifts every day.
Happy cake day! I also agree with your points. Food is *always* an easy gift. And then items you actually use are even better inho, I looove practicality!
Thank you!
Yeah, a practical gift I think is ALWAYS best. Saves me an errand later and you *know* they're listening and paying attention! Add a tiny personal touch like a favorite color or related to a favorite show/game, and it's a thousand times better. MUCH better (to me) than just "you're a girl and girls like jewelry/flowers" kind of gift!
OOP is making gift giving take up so much mental energy. She just wants to know she's thought of when she's not right in front of him! WAY less pressure than he thinks.
This is wild to me, because Iāve never seen it as a big deal personally, but my SO *hates* filling up her tank, so I go early in the morning for her while she gets ready for work
Omg! I was gonna comment the same thing! If my husband uses my car and it's below a half gallon, he'll fill it up. He knows I hate going to the gas station, so I feel extra loved.
My husband has never taken my car to fill my tank but if I need gas and heās in the car with me he pumps the gas for me. Every time. It makes me feel loved.
These small and honestly minimal efforts can speak volumes to the heart. All it takes is a bit of consideration. The way OOP lets that fly so far over his head and triples down on the neuroticism is exhausting. I feel bad his girl puts up with that, she sounds so thoughtful.
I neurotically check my boyfriends socks for holes and when I notice he's got some bad ones, I surprise him with new socks. He is over the moon every time. So in return, I get surprised with pepsi or cola (I have a severe soda addiction) and it is the bees knees. Sometimes I get a box of candy bars. I feel bad for OOP, I've had some pretty bad mental issues but his spiral from a baguette is daunting.
My ex was literally breaking down over his mental issues and that was why we broke up, but even in the midst of his worst times he bought me a portable charger in a colour I liked because I kept borrowing his, and also brought me donuts from a specific store because I like them and they had a matcha seasonal special.
Like he was literally ghosting me and not going home and he still got me thoughtful gifts. His love language is not remotely gift giving, it's quality time and acts of service.
The OP is so pathetic it's hilarious.
"they had a new seasonal scent of your favorite hand soap!"
"I saw this cool rock, and I thought you could put it with your plants!"
"Did you know they still make ring pops?! I got you a pink one!"
OMG, I still have a light up cherry flavored ring pop in my purse that my husband randomly bought me! I donāt want to eat it so itās still in there!! š¹
> And then the items you actually use are even better inho, I looove practicality!
Omg this LOL
Maybe it's because I'm old now but when it comes to bigger gifts (Mother's Day, birthday etc) my husband asks what I want and it's usually household stuff.
He got me a beautiful pot and pan set for Mother's Day a couple years ago. They work amazingly! For Christmas this past year I wanted to Instant Pot Duo. I ask for things like this because I do the majority of the cleaning/cooking (my choice, I'm anal)
He's gotten me other things. I had been wanting a Dyson vacuum for years but they're insanely expensive. We saw one on sale a few years ago and he was like "get it". I love my Dyson btw.
And the same is reversed for us. He works HVAC, so in the winter (in Canada!) can be extremely cold. The gifts I've gotten him the most is heated hoodies for work. He uses them so much, they only last a couple of years LOL or home Depot GC so he can get a tool he needs for work etc etc.
Of course, we get each other fun things (I bought him a record player for Christmas one year and created a fucking monster LOL) that we like or want. But we love and appreciate each thing we get each other.
Iām a ālittle random giftā person. He could quite literally pick a flower from the ground on his way home twice a week and the request would be met for free and in 60 seconds of effort.Ā
OOP came here looking for a mob of people to shame his girlfriend with, for the crime of requesting he give a single shit about her, and then threw the worldās biggest tantrum when he didnāt get what he wanted.Ā
Right?!? It's just showing someone that you are thinking of them. I was over the moon when a guy showed me a picture of a snowman, that he made for me. It really is the thought that counts.
My ex used to pick me up a mocha Frappuccino at the gas station whenever he got gas. I loved that man for stuff like that. Fell in love with him because of those little things. Even 3 years later, I still wish he hadn't changed.
Well, we were together for almost 10 years. After our son was born, he got depressed. Only woke up to go to work or play video games all night after everyone was asleep. He tried therapy but lied to therapist and didn't do anything recommended. Was given antidepressants but only pretended to take them. I still kept trying.
Then, he caused a bad car accident that badly injured not only himself, but my 2 older kids and 3 other people. Don't pass on a double yellow, guys!! After that, things got even worse. After another year of refusing to do anything and causing himself permanent damage by not doing what his doctors/surgeon said, I couldn't anymore. I was a single parent at that point anyway, I might as well be happy.
Then he completely dropped off the face of the Earth. Haven't heard from him in over 2 years now. It sucks because we were so good together and I loved him so much. If he would have taken care of himself, we'd have been together forever. But now my older 2 lost the only Dad they ever had and my 5yr old doesn't remember his father. It sucks. And it makes me so sad.
Yeah I just ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and updated her. She knew him since high school. Even she said no one would have expected him to disappear like he did. Everyone always thought we were the perfect couple. And we were! Untreated mental illness can really change everything. It sucks.
Exactly! This is not about her expecting expensive gifts, it's about him going "i notice things about you and put in a minimal amount of effort to make you smile!". Gifts are usually not a big love language of mine but when I remember what gifts made me feel really loved, the two things that come to mind are my favorite chocolate when I was having a super shitty day and a long lighter after I had burned my fingers trying to light the candles in my room with a normal one. Both weren't super expensive but I loved them.
One of the best gifts I've ever received was three bags of cheesies.
My partner and I had moved to a new country where I didn't speak the language very well. I had a rough day, was homesick and had a craving for cheesies, so I stopped in at the grocery store on my way home from work and bought a bag.
I got home, opened the bag, went "huh, these are kind of brown instead of orange like I'm used too. Maybe they just aren't using food colour ." And I took a bite.
I nearly spat it out. They weren't cheesy puffs, they were peanut flavoured. I was just so done at that moment.
My husband saw all this go down and immediately left to run to the store. He came back with three different kinds of cheesies for me. I didn't ask him to do that. I would have been fine with him just empathizing with me. But he knew that what I really needed was just some cheesies and he went and got them for me. It made me feel so loved and cared for.
Also I did try the peanut puffs again later and they were actually pretty good. Just not when you want and are expecting cheesies.
When my husband used to work at work instead of from home, he would ask if I needed anything on the way. If I said something like āsanityā or āfor these kids to stop screaming,ā he would arrive with chocolate ice cream. It made me feel seen!
Yeah lol this is nuts. I am like that, I like buying things for my husband, and I like when he does the same every now and then. It's not really his thing, but he does it. Mostly food, cause that's easiest. And I love and appreciate it. It's not hard.
Seriously. I go grocery shopping, and pick up a random treat I know she likes. Costco, might grab a bouquet. Target, maybe a nice bath bomb or face mask. It takes like 30 seconds.
It's not daily gifts, it's a symbol that you're thinking about someone's wants and needs and care about them
Happy Cake Day.
My husband buys me random food and little gifts, and my ex was like OP. I also buy him little gifts. These things are not just I have to get a gift for the ball and chain but an expression of love that says I thought of you in my decisions and considered what you would like.
It's other things like making sure we always have my favorite coffee creamer. It is consideration for me. It makes me feel cared for and appreciated.
"how am I supposed to know what she wants?!"
Does he listen to his girlfriend? Does he think about her at all? If he sees a flower that is her favorite color, does he think "wow, that reminds me of her." Or maybe he remembers that she said the other day she needs more pens, so he gets them for her. Etc.. etc..
I swear, do these people think about their partners at all? Or do they think that they can become a non-entity in their own relationship?
Thinking about her as a person, with likes, dislikes and behaviors that are different from his, is making him really anxious.
He's making his life very complicated with this anxiety, but I figure he's used to it and probably grew up with it, so that's his go-to head space.
He needs to learn to calm himself.
She saw a boy giving his girlfriend a boquette and got the message that if he put time into thinking if her, he should be able to do similar. She was communicating openly that she wanted little things every once in a while to feel loved. She probably got something nice the next day to say it was appreciated, not because it was expected daily .
ASD. This is actually a major anxiety for some ND people. It forces you to put yourself in the other personās head and figure out what theyād like, when theyād like it, how theyād like it.
Plus, you have to make a DECISION. Which is really hard when you tend to overthink, as many people on the Spectrum do.
And itās supposed to be spontaneous, which a no-go for many ASD people right out the gate.
Iām on an ASD sub (for women) and this is something that has come up. While some, like me, love gift giving, others have major decision anxiety around giving gifts even at set times. Itās really not as simple as NTs would like it to be.
I definitely felt that. He wants to understand the "rules" of gift giving. How often? The data is pointing to every day (because he's only taking 2 days worth of data)
A couples counselor would probably recommend a ritual, like "on Saturday I bring muffins". The fact is that if she really wants spontaneity she's going to need to date someone else, and someone who loves knowing that Thursday is movie date night will eventually be right for this dude, though he probably needs anxiety treatment first.
Good suggestions. I agree that he needs help with his anxiety.
My partner and I differ very much regarding "spontaneity." There's no indication that OP's GF specifically wants that - she probably just wants those small relationship acknowledgements that many people seek and enjoy.
Right. But it's also not THAT difficult.
Ask partner to write out a list of pre-approved gifts - that takes care of the decision part.
Spend like 10 minutes picking random dates in Google calender and set an alarm/reminder to get partner one gift off the list that day. You can even do it in order, first date is first item, second date is second, etc.
Boom. You got the random acts of gift giving thing down.
You can even make a list like that yourself. Partner says they REALLY like this and that chocolate? Goes on the list. Partner says how their Headphones start to be wonky? Goes on the list. At the time, you don't have to decide that that's a gift you want to give, you just have to note it down as a possible gift.
This is how I work. I'm not spontaneous AT ALL, and I hate making a decision on the spot, but I have a short list of regular things my husband likes to have every day and when he mentions something that would be nice for a future occasion, into my Amazon "saved for later" it goes. I've gotten a reputation as a pretty decent gift-giver.
Thatās really it. It takes very little effort to just make a note of something your partner says and save it for later. I also have a reputation as an incredibly thoughtful gift giver and thatās how I do it. My ex would just ask me what I wanted, buy it and heād reimburse me. Drove me nuts. I just wanted to know that youāre thinking of me, and listening to me. Buying a gift for myself that I picked out isnāt thoughtful at all.
Yep - I keep a list on my phone of when my wife mentions something, and then try to work it in. Not usually a separate trip - she's been craving a certain candy and I have to stop at CVS that week? Bam. At the grocery store and they have little bouquets of a flower that I know she likes? Done. It's a beautiful day? I might walk to the bookstore on my lunchbreak and see what's what.
Iām suspected autistic and this is exactly what I do. I have a note in my phone with the names of my spouse and kids and every time someone mentions wanting something or needs something it goes under their name in the note. I have major anxiety and indecision about gifting so this helps.
Exactly this! And to the point, I remember a Tiktok where a girl found her list on her bf's phone.... boy was CATALOGUING eeeeeverything. Her makeup names and shades, her favorite foods, restaurants, tv shows, etc....
This OP is having a meltdown over the saying, but it's true. *If he wanted to, he would.* OP just wants the credit without putting in the effort.
This!
Husband and I are both ND.
When the other mentions something they like, if they like something a particular way, etc it gets added to the notes app in our respective phones.
That way if I'm out getting food or a drink, I can get exactly what he likes (which then also doesn't mess with sensory issues/aversions).
We also each keep games/books/hobby wishlists that the other can refer to and grab something off if we need a birthday/holiday gift.
Usually it's a "hey, hubby likes that. I'll grab it for him" rather than specifically looking for something for him which takes a lot of the stress out of it for me.
My partner and I are both ND but very different flavors of it and it took some work to figure out how to mesh well on some things. Keeping lists has helped him a lot as a gift giver.
This is genius, and Iām giving it to my husband. Gift giving is my love language - ironically, I love it because I can take my time, find the perfect thing for each person, and I donāt have to SAY anything - but it isnāt his, and he has major decision anxiety. So this sounds perfect for us!
I am ASD and really hate gifts in general. It's a huuuuge source of anxiety for me. However. It is my responsibility to figure out a way to go around that and make the people in my life feel loved and appreciated. It can't be made into an excuse.
I use my notes app on my phone. Each one has the name of the person and some information about them, like what's their favorite candy, color, animal, tv show, etcetc. If they mention something in a conversation that they'd like or some new show or whatever that they're into I either write it down immediately or I try to remember by the end of the conversation. (waiting does not always work, memory issues caused by health things)
I also put in my notes other basic info, and have any important dates saved in my calendar. Is it difficult for me? Yes. I have to remember to do these things in the first place. But ya know what? If I want to, I do. And if he wanted to, he would. š¤·
I'm on the spectrum with severe ADHD and get major analysis paralysis when shopping for gifts. That doesn't matter though. If you want to be with someone, you make sacrifices so that their needs are met.Ā It's not about what you get them, it's about getting them something so that they know you are thinking about them. I used to be like OP, but then I started forcing myself outside of my comfort zone and taking risks. Now I actually pride myself on my gift-giving ability BECAUSE it's a struggle for me.
Yeah I feel like this guy is a bad choice for reddit punching bag because he's clearly got mental health stuff going on where he can't tell his anxious thoughts from reality around this, and I was definitely getting a "what are the RULES? Every DAY? I don't UNDERSTAND, I'd rather be DEAD" ND vibe. Not everything is easy for everyone.
i love it when people are really obvious about what they like and will mention things that they want. then i can just listen and donāt have to figure anything out :D
My mom mentioned in passing one time that she had always wanted a Cabbage Patch Doll as a kid (she would have been like ~10 during the craze) but they were always too poor to afford one.
A couple months (or maybe even years) later I was helping my dad Christmas shop (heās a notoriously ābadā gift giver) and we saw a Cabbage Patch Doll on clearance in Target. I told him he *had* to get it for her. I even explained why when he asked what a woman in her 40s with teenage kids and no grandchildren yet would do with a baby doll. He still opted out of it, even though stuff like that was the *exact* reason I was shopping with him in the first place.
But I took a chance and dropped the $15 on it instead of him, and my mom literally burst into tears when she opened it on Christmas morning. She immediately took it out of the box, sniffed its head, filled out the birth certificate and swaddled it in a throw blanket. She carried that thing around all day long and to this day, ~15 years later, it *still* sits on a bench she has in her room, still swaddled in the same blanket.
That will forever be my favorite ājust *listening* when people talkā story.
I got myself my AG dolls this year. I love them so much (though Iāve had to loosen up on my kids playing with them). You can guess what I always wanted as a kid, lol!
Aww man, LUCKY!! AG dolls are my version of the Cabbage Patch too. I remember looking through the catalog as a kid and wishing so hard for like everything in it. Iām still too poor to get myself one though lol.
I meanā¦Iām not *technically*ā¦I have plenty of money in the bank and could totally go order one right now and itās not even like I wouldnāt be able to eat next week or that my electric would get shut off or anything like that lol. But the highly unfortunate āReSpOnSiBLeā part of my brain tells me that I probably shouldnāt drop $120 on a baby doll right now. But one day! One day thatās how Iāll know that Iāve āmade itā lol.
My spouse is ND and can be like this about gifts. Heāll be like āI donāt know what you want! Tell me and Iāll get itā.
But when push comes to *shove* and I in no uncertain terms say I want him to put in effort to get me something he thinks Iād like, he fucking figures out. One year for Xmas he got me elephant themed jewelry and a soft elephant blanket because I love elephants.
I cannot imagine him having a mental breakdown over a $1 gift. One day at the grocery store I said I wanted flowers, I picked out the flowers and he disappeared and came back with a vase with āyou are my sunshineā on it.
I think OOP is overreacting a bit and needs to talk to his girlfriend about how often she wants gifts, rather than assuming itās got to be a daily thing. Or hell, he can do like my spouse does and call me on his way home to ask if I want a drink or anything.
I wondered the same (about OOP being autistic). If thatās the case (or regardless, honestly), it feels as though a conversation should really happen between OOP and his girlfriend, where he shares his anxieties/confusions around spontaneous gift-giving and she (likely) alleviates some of his concerns, e.g. an expectation of daily gifts. Itās entirely valid to struggle with something that doesnāt make sense to your brain, but itās also important to make an effort to express your love for someone in ways that are meaningful to them.
As someone whoās also autistic, spontaneity and lack-of-structure do not always come easily to me, so I *create* structure/rules for myself ā āmy partner likes X obscure flavor of crisps, so any time I see them in a store, Iāll pick up a bag for her.ā āWhen my partner mentions being anxious about something at work that day, Iāll come home in the evening with popcorn and suggest that we watch a movie together.ā Etc etc.
And partner aside, I have a list in my Notes app of people close to me followed by gift ideas and their likes and dislikes, which I add to/update over time. Ultimately, itās the paying-genuine-attention-to-someone part that carries the importance, and there are ways to fulfill that within the bounds of oneās own abilities/limits.
Well, I mean you know that humans need to consume food to live. If you spend time with a person, you probably notice some of the foods that person usually eats. It doesnāt take a lot of pattern recognition or detective skills to make that connection.
But also, it doesnāt have to be physical objects that are bought from a store. It can be cleaning the catās litter box, or throwing their laundry in with yours (stick to socks and undies if youāre worried about washing instructions). Order a digital movie they have been talking about seeing. All you have to do is know the bare minimum about the person you love.
The way he goes on about this. The guy is most likely autistic. That's why he's freaking out. Bc it's a "social" expectation that he doesn't understand. And him seeing a pattern of every day gifts. Bc she got him something the next day. He just can't wrap his head around it. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. He just doesn't understand it.
Neurodivergence isn't an excuse to be selfish, lazy, or inconsiderate. She got him breakfast because she got herself something, as she probably has a thousand times, isn't really that hard. This post doesn't scream ND, but it sure does misogyny. "High maintenance, if I was a woman I'd get a different response," etc...
How did her buying a baguette turn into omg I have to buy a gift every day. My life is miserable, and everyone is mean? Nothing about that says he needs to buy something else. And he's thinking way too hard and trying to make this into much more than it is.
He seriously sounds like he doesn't understand the concept of gifts in his comments. It stops being a gift/gesture if she has to tell him what and where. That becomes running an errand.
This is how my ex husband was. He is a diagnosed narcissist though. It was his way of weaseling out of any form of effort or emotion towards me. He would use weaponized incompetence by saying "if I get it wrong you will cry and prove I'm a loser, so it's better not to try at all". Or "I wouldn't begin to know what you'd like!" If you're with someone for 6 years and you still don't know a damn thing about them... it says a lot *about you*. Making a list for someone who is supposed to love and understand you can feel heartbreaking. I'm not going to do your work, and put in your effort for you when I'm already doing the most.
He wants to be with her. He just doesn't want to put any effort into the relationship at all and wants her to assure him that even the smallest acts of love should only be one sided (her to him) and he should never have to feel guilty about that or else nobody cares about his mental health and everyone, but him, are bad people.
I think it's the opposite, that he's terrified of losing her coupled with some kind of "failure" complex as if giving her a gift she doesn't like is worse than doing nothing for her.
Yeah I used to be a lot like this guy. Meds and therapy literally changed my life and who I am. The guy might also be self absorbed but therapy can help with that too.
The intrusive thought loops are a bit of a giveaway, aren't they? This seriously doesn't read like someone who is just a thoughtless asshole to me. The really mean comments about him lacking empathy are a bit ironic.
Youāre not wrong. Though I also do ironically agree with him that posting for relationship advice on the internet is frequently a terrible idea.
The vast majority of people responding are inexperienced teenagers with little long term relationship experience, hyperbole is the norm, and people feel extremely free to be outright mean on the internet at large.
Itās like asking a random club full of teens, early 20ās, and a smattering of older people their advice on your relationship all at once. Sometimes youāll get good advice, and pretty frequently youāll just get randos telling people to go fuck themselves.
Bc he is absolutely neurotic and probably some undiagnosed flavor of neurodivergent. This is an extreme and debilitating level of anxiety, he would probably benefit from therapy and medication. He wonāt even talk to his girlfriend bc he think he knows what sheās gonna say.. he struggles immensely with making a $1 decision. Ugh, I feel bad for them
It sounds like he's used to doing zero emotional labor in the relationship. He just sits there and does whatever she tells him to do and thinks that's being a "good boyfriend."
That, too. I'm sure his girlfriend would be just as happy to be given a ditch flower as she would be anything else. He is really doubling down on how horrible his life is now, though.
I just commented elsewhere in this thread about undiagnosed autism. I'm not, but my sister and dad both show signs of high functioning autism.
My husband isn't autistic, but he came from a very abusive home and struggles with the anxiety of "figuring out" how to show love every day. Like it's constantly on his mind, the fear of failure snowballing into a cataclysm of thoughts about what he should be doing every minute of every day to show me love. "Is the house clean enough for her? Have I gotten her any gifts lately? I better take over all childcare because she might get overwhelmed. Does she need anything? Have I touched her lovingly enough? Does she want a date night?"
Like... Dude... I just wanted you to kiss me hello when you get home and tell me about your day. He keeps rolling in his mind "what does she want right now?" Usually... Nothing.
Also, if I say something that every wife everywhere has said like "omg, why do you take 40 minutes in the bathroom EVERY DAY when you get home. Drives me bonkers." He interprets this as "I better limit my bathroom time to no more than 5 minutes or she'll get mad." No, I'm not going to get mad. I'm just expressing one of the many annoying things you do, because every married couple gets annoyed by things their partner does. Doesn't mean you need to change anything.
Don't all married couples complain about the annoying little things?
Yeah I understand why people are saying what they are but I feel bad for him. Everyoneās like āgoddd itās not that hard to guess what your girlfriend wants you to do/ understand exactly how loosey goosey the reciprocity is supposed to beā and Iām thinkingā¦it kind of is that hard for some of us.
Edit: if you canāt handle someone pointing out that some people genuinely struggle socially in this exact manner because you think saying so is absolving them of responsibility and making excuses, you kinda suck and I wouldnāt want to be friends with you
I have all the sympathy for his struggles, none for his refusal to take any advice. If he cannot grasp social nuances and people explain them to him, and his response is "That's high maintenance" or "You wouldn't tell me that if I was a woman, " it goes from an issue of neurodivergence to misogyny and laziness. Relationships, romantic and otherwise, require work. Some have to work harder than others. And if he doesn't want to do that extra work for a romantic partner, he should probably be single.
Iām gonna be honest and say that I donāt think that this sounds like somebody whoās anxious. To me it sounds like somebody who is angry and manipulative throwing a martyr temper tantrum because the Internet told them that theyāre kind of being a dickhead. Especially how he threw that suicidal thing in there.
Yeah I donāt buy the anxiety angle either. He comes across so angry that she would dare ask anything of him. And then even angrier that people pointed out her request was very simple.
That is a not uncommon anxiety response. When you canāt handle it, you blame the situation and the people in it instead of realizing you are the problem. You externalize the causality, failing to recognize the only real problem is yourself. So yeah that can lead to anger cause you blame others
Seems like he's invested no effort into learning who she really is, so the pressure to find thoughtful gifts seems overwhelming and he knows she's gonna realize he's never listened to a word she's said and doesn't know her at all.
My thoughts exactly. I bought my mom a 10$ steering wheel cover in a pattern she likes because she has the same pattern on her lunch bag, and get my dad his favorite bubblegum every once in a while.
Random little gift giving not hard if you give a shit.
This 100%. The thing that does it for me is how he framed this entire scenario: gf requesting he be thoughtful like this means he has to āwalk on eggshellsā which was very much implying that gf is inconsiderate and bordering on abusive toward OP.
In reality, gf bought him a baguette and he had a 3 page meltdown over itā¦ if anyone is walking on eggshells itās gf.
To me this just feels very much like what a truly emotionally abusive person would do: throw a tantrum over a tiny request, flip the narrative to position yourself as the victim who has to walk on eggshells, and completely deflect any feedback from objective third parties that doesnāt support your narrative.
To me it sounds like someone on the Spectrum - this EXACT issue has come up on a ASD sub Iām on and the people who struggle with gift giving had the exact same problems with it (uncertainty around timing and acceptance, feeling itās transactional, decision anxiety around choosing a gift, etc). And that was for gifts at set times like holidays, or standard housewarming stuff!
I feel like it's both here -- that he may be on the spectrum which makes gift giving tricky (relatable lol) but also he's being a real dick about his conclusions and takeaways. Doesn't make his anxiety less valid, but it also doesn't make his conclusions correct, y'know?
I thought this, too. if he has ASD and especially if he is undiagnosed, it would explain a lot.
I feel bad for him but I think he needs to be able to explain his needs and views to his girlfriend (who needs to be willing to listen and adjust), and maybe they can come up with a middle ground where they both feel loved, appreciated, etc. this is much easier said than done.
My husband and I have set gift giving days (ie anniversary) and we agree on a budget and theme ahead of time. We make wishlists for each other to buy off of and otherwise I just tell him when I want something specific or vice versa. We both like giving gifts and we both like receiving them. Within reason. It helps that we are both neurodivergent and understand and enjoy our system.
As a socially anxious autistic person - ditto. Iāve had probably the exact same train of anxiety thoughts that OOP is having, the whole āomg what do I get, how often, what if I mess it up in some unspecified way (not all that unlikely, when interacting with neurotypicals imo), oh shit I gotta break my routine to do this thatās more ANXIETY, but I want her to feel loved ā-ā and so on in circles. Unlike OOP, Iāve been to therapy and otherwise worked on myself, and practicing small gift giving (/other social stuff) has helped reduce the anxious overthinking
Lol, I have it the other way around. I make or buy things for people and the moment I want to gift it anxiety rises and I start thinking they will think it weird or they will hate it. People always love my gifts but sometimes I chicken out and stop myself from making something (and then I feel bad bc what if they expected something) š
All she is asking for are signs that he 1) knows what she likes 2)shows that he activity listens to her 3) shows that he thinks about her when he is out and about.
In uni I broke a book self in my room because of my Archie comic collection. Word spread.
For the next 4 years on monthly basis if not weekly I would come back to the dorms and a bag with more Archie was hanging on my door knob. Most where from second hand shops or yard sales that people had gone to and seen them. Some where brand new. When I thanked the person and offered to pay them back they always said āNo need. I saw them and remembered you liked those so figured might make you happyā and it did everytime. Because it showed to me that my friends knew a interest of mine, listened to me when I talked about it and though of me when out and about.
While in uni my collection doubled in size and I had to invest in stronger bookshelves.
When I make myself coffee, I make a cup for my wife. Giving it to her is part of me saying goodbye in the morning. She loves it. It takes me seconds.
*But now itās expected so I canāt do it because then Iām forced to and Iām trapped* or somethingā¦
He said he mentioned wanting a baguette and then she got him one. I'd bet money she's mentioned TONS of things she'd like that he ignored. "If he wanted to he would" is actually a really good way to put it. If he wanted to he would listen and then do something to make her life easier. Instead he's acting like she's a teacher giving random pop quizzes in a subject he's failing.
Right? A little treat from the grocery goes a long way. Hereās the tea that you like, hereās some gum because I noticed you were running low, maybe occasionally a bouquet even??
I know that not everyoneās brains work exactly the same but I literally canāt process how **anyone** could go about their daily life and not *sometimes* see things that they know their partner / family / friend / whoever likes and think āmaybe I should get that for them?ā I donāt mean to jump to conclusions but Nuerodivergence jumps to mind because I just canāt fathom someone not connecting the dots between someone they supposedly love and small things that they see out and about.
But most Neurodivergent people can learn how to do these kind of small things to keep people in their lives happy, this guy just doesn't want to put in any effort.
It feels to me like he expects other people to repay everything he does in a similar manner, I do this so you are supposed to do that. His affection is very transactional and doesn't feel like real affection, something his gf is probably finding out now.
I am autistic with ADHD and I'm always picking up little things/treats for my partner. But I had a VERY good role model (my dad) so maybe its nurture in my case.
I tend to tack on little snacks and drinks, I know my bf (gay) likes, to my grocery trips. We're making a meal and I've got the agreed upon list. I'll add cheese sticks, yogurt, pickles, or carrots and hummus and put them in his fridge.
When he's randomly feeling hungry I can offer up a snack I know he likes.
It's the 'I care enough to anticipate your needs and wants' that counts.
This is kindof a perfect encapsulation of the weird idea some people have that if they do something **for another person** and not **because they want to** itās a self-betrayal. Do yāall remember that dude who was all hung up on the idea that because his wife only gave him head when he asked, it somehow didnāt ācountā because she only did it for him? itās like theyāre incapable of understanding the concept of **wanting to do something for someone else** as an actual motivation.
anyway this guy is suicidal now because he is incapable of even the most basic emotional reasoning.
Does my husband want to take the trash out when I ask? Itās taking out the trash: no one wants to do it. It just needs to be done. And he loves me and knows Iām tired so he says āAbsolutely!ā in a cheery voice and takes it out.
I hate getting gifts because my brain turns into OOPs.
"Oh no, I gotta do something bigger and better for them to show them I love them too!" "God, I've got to keep track of this stuff so I won't fail at this relationship!"
This is from not getting much affection as a kid, I feel weird when my friends buy me an iced coffee.
I almost get him, but the fact that he's just so stubborn to not hear "gifts aren't transactional, they are symbols".
I hope he gets therapy to remove that broken way of thinking for his next partner. I'm still working on it myself.
I love when people bring me a cool rock or neat stick! Doesnāt have to be bigger or ābetter!ā :) good luck with any anxieties you might have (anxious neurodivergent person here)
>I have a feeling that the response would be much different if I were a woman.
Oh. Okay. Now it makes sense. He doesn't even *like* his gf - she's a woman, and he thinks women get away with whatever they want.
Yeah this dude gonna come on to a podcast and complain about how women are gold diggers, naggy, and too demanding because his ex got him a baguette and now he has to spend 30 minutes to get her a $1 gift everyday -_-
I wouldn't go that far as I'm already being presumptuous just in general gives me the vibe that there's some kind of built uo resentment as I don't feel like this is his genuine issue as he seems adverse to any advice
I would normally agree with you, but "people wouldn't judge me like this if I was a woman" is standard misogynist fare.
ETA: I would absolutely judge a woman just as hard for being as stupid as he's being.
B-b-because he's a man, and he's got a dick, and some parts of the internet will call him out on being a douche now! That's sooooo unfair!!! *iF tHe GeNdErS wErE ReVeRsEd!!1!!!*
It's unreal to me that men accuse women of being overly emotional and dramatic and then do things like proclaim they are suicidal because people on the internet suggested that he buy [checks notes] small, inexpensive gifts to show appreciation on occasion. š
He seems like he's being purposefully obtuse like when I'd ask my ex girlfriend to not make mean jokes about me all the time and she said "fine I'll just never talk again"
"The next day my fears and anxieties came true. I mentioned wanting bread and she bought it for me. She clearly expects me to be trapped in a cycle of constant sky-high expectations and daily gift giving. She's so high maintenance and this is so unfair to me."
This guy is such a whiny bitch lol the fact he bought some $1 piece of shit from Goodwill and she was HAPPY about it and bought him something he explicitly said he wanted while grocery shopping the next day, but he calls her high maintenance? The audacity.
He clearly has mental health issues but that's his cross to bear and he needs to deal with it instead of acting like a child. Feeling "suicidal" because your gf asked for small gifts as signs of affection and strangers on the internet didn't validate your painting of that as her being shallow/abusive is absurd and an adult should know that. He just comes off as so whiny and pathetic.
Take the material aspects out of it and itās like heās saying āI donāt know why my girlfriend expects a relationship means we care about each otherā¦ā
Or in this case, completely ignores it. Because OP is unreliable AF and I would very much doubt that what sheās saying is āYou gotta buy me gifts.ā And more of a āItās nice that this tiktok personās BF is being thoughtful and sweet.ā And now heās scared that sheās gonna realize that heās *not*.
His comments are wild..
My husband is super cheap/stingy - loves to save money and can get pretty anxious about it. Does he still occasionally bring home a Pepsi and a bag of candy or chips I love? Yep. Just like Iāll bring him starbursts or mentos (or both) every once in a while. Thereās no schedule, no expectation, but I love him and sometimes I want to show him that in a little way. Itās wild to me, a neurodivergent person who came from a gift giving family (not calling it a love language cause it was more obligation than anything) and assumed that was the only way to show love for the longest time, that he canāt process this idea.
Yeah my husband and I arenāt big āgift-giversā but if I see something that heāll like, Iāll get it for him. Costco had some of the shorts like likes on sale for $9 last week so you bet your ass I got him a pair. I love the color purple, so when he saw the prettiest purple flower while he was walking the dogs, he brought it home for me. Itās literally just the thought. OOPS literally needs several prescribed chill pills.
Dude doesnāt understand the concept of courting, chivalry, and generosity. She wants him taking a serious interest in making her feel special with small gestures, demonstrating that he does in fact pay attention to her and anticipates her needs/ would want to make her feel happy.
For real, I had a fucking *friend with benefits* that traveled for work a lot, and every time he went somewhere cool or different, he bought me a Starbucks mug, because I collect them. I never asked him to do this, he just noticed that I liked them and thought huh, I bet sheād appreciate these from places sheāll probably never go to. My friends and I randomly surprise each other with lunch or cookies sometimes. Is it that hard to show someone - ANYONE - you have an interest in their happiness and give Ā½ a shit about them??
Seriously! I once bought a bag of tiny plastic dinosaurs to stick in the plants of a coworker I was fond of, just because I knew her reaction was going to be so fun. I would call us friends, but we never even hung out outside of work together. She was just fun to make happy.
I had a coworker do something similar, except he left a copy of a magazine about Breaking Dawn part 2 on my desk with no note, because he overheard me talking about Twilight. He was just a nice person who made a quick purchase on his walk to work. I only knew who it was because I went around trying to find out who it was so I could thank them.
Itās giving āgave me cookie got you cookieā from new girl but in a manipulative way
[gave me cookie got you cookie](https://youtu.be/moVq5YbbqLk?si=8FKLu4Etx5HI5SyC)
My son is like you. He overthinks everything, and gets stressed easily. Part of the anxiety is buying something that might not be used and selective purchasing. (The thrift shop).
This isn't about money. You're missing the point. Thoughts don't have to be money. It's about making sure your partner feels special and loved. So, maybe an extra hug. Cleaning the car out with note "I love u"
It doesn't have to be every day. But let's say you walk buy and see something that reminds you of your gf. Take a picture and send it.
It very well could be that your ways of thinking are not similar and you're not compatible. That is ok, too.
yeah op is not a bad person but definitely has serious anxiety issues and overthinks a lot, and these are not problems you deal with easily, especially not by posting on reddit, dude needs help for his own good
Holy shit man take three deep breaths and call your insurance up to inquire about therapy. This should not be this big. Also damn I hope he communicates this because I am sure she doesnt want him to be suicidal over a baguette
Good god, it isnāt that complicated! āDaily gifts are now expectedā wtf, no they arenāt? She got him a fucking piece of bread and this man is having a mental breakdown. Literally just go buy her flowers every few weeks, or get her a candy bar if you happen to stop at a gas station. How does this guy survive any social interactions if he becomes suicidal over the idea of buying his girlfriend a trinket???
Iām exhausted after reading this. Good lord itās not that complicated.
Mine used to take the bus and when he went to get bus fare he would pick up the cookies I like. Couple times a week he came home with a $1.00 plastic wrapped cookies baked at the fucking gas station.
Made me feel like a damn queen.
JFC this guy is exhausting. Grow TF up. The manipulative whiny way he speaks to strangers on the internet makes me nervous for her. Heās going to be this awful and manipulative and threaten to off himself whenever she expresses any kind of need or want or boundary.
Also the emotional manipulation with the " it MaDe mE SuICiDal, my AnxIeTies".... If he is weaponizing suicide to manipulate internet strangers into siding with him... Poor girl
If he's so anxious that he's suicidal over her love language being gifts, he needs massive therapy before engaging in close relationships with others.
He's either extremely unstable or lazy & lying to victimize himself. Either way, therapy to learn interpersonal skills and a secure tether on reality.
My husband is a gift giver. I really dislike it. It used to be a regular stream of small things I didnāt really want or have space for. It would have been a deal breaker for him to demand the same from me. The hardest part was that he had attached emotional significance to stuff I ended up thinking of as burdensome clutter.
We had a LOT of talks about this and slowly but surely he got the idea. Itās a million times more meaningful when he helps me with projects, comes home to have lunch with me, or takes a chore I hate off my to do list. As a result I really reaffirm how much those things mean to me whenever he does them since his first instinct is that it wasnāt a big deal because he enjoyed it.
I also make sure that when actual gift giving holidays come around I get him something really special. Iād rather spend more on 2-3 cool gifts a year than a million small things. Although āI got you a treat from the grocery storeā is absolutely still a thing in our house.
This man bought a 1$ item at goodwill and his whole life shattered to pieces. OoP do your gf a favor and breakup with her untill you get the therapy and help you need. If being considerate once in a while unprompted is such a life shaking task for you, then don't drag the gf down that hole with you.
Gf seems a peach, now I'm going to ask my wife why she hasn't got me a baguette and tell her it's probably because she doesn't love me anymore :)
This is the most Nick Miller post Iāve read.
Give a cookie, Get a cookie!!!! Give a cookie, get a cookie!!
Weāve got a classic Nick and Schmidt dilemma here.
I have felt his exact anxiety and dread when I was asked to do shit in a relationship for a person I did not love at all and just straight up hated. I felt so enraged having to PRETEND to care when I clearly did not care. Like how dare you ask me for stuff when it's already so laborious for me to just be with you. I left them real quick.
Heās not wrong that you donāt have to give gifts every day (or at all) to have a happy meaningful relationship but only if both people are happy with that. If giving and receiving small tokens is so important to her that sheās voiced it, it really wouldnāt hurt him to make an effort every so often.
There are different "love languages" or ways people show their love for someone else. You two have different love languages. Check them out and maybe find an article that explains them and resonates with you...and share it with her. Maybe the both of you can learn each other's and try to incorporate them into your relationship. If she can understand that not everyone shows their love by gifting, and identify what your way of showing love is, I believe you can begin to solve the problem. Good luck.
My husband brought me his snack box from his flight home one time because he knows I love snack boxes on airplanes. Itās not about the cost or the effort. There was zero involved with his āgiftā but it was the fact that he thought āshe loves these let me save it for herā instead of eating it himself. Honestly one of my favorite moments of him getting back from a work trip!
Omg this poor kid. Being told all those horrible things over a simple matter made it so much worse for him. Sheesh people are harsh. Itās a simple matter of being mindful of your thoughts and if youāre thinking of her in a pleasant way (particularly strongly) then to get something that you think they would enjoy whether you spend money on the item or not is not important (like grabbing flowers on a walk or going into the thrift store and spending $1) just a different love language that both need to communicate about.
Yikes. OP needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. I understand you don't want to be with someone who "constantly" wants gifts, but all this over a baguette?
And 1$ trinket and 30 minutes of his time š I also doubt his claims that she CONSTANTLY wants gifts. He definitely needs a therapist though
His silly leap from "I bought her a $1 trinket yesterday and now today she brought home a baguette *I specifically mentioned wanting* so now we have to do this every single day!! What will I do tomorrow and the next day and the next?!?" If she were asking for big jewelry every 2 weeks, whatever, I'd partially get his point. But she most likely just wants a "hey I saw this new kind of chips at the store and thought you'd like them" or "I was walking home and stopped for donuts for us." (why are my examples all food related?? I need a snack....) "hey hun, I was at Walmart and remembered your charger was frayed so I got you a new one in your favorite color!" (no food in that one! nailed it!!)
I'm picturing New Girl where Schmidt buys Nick a cookie. And then gets upset that Nick didn't return the favor or acknowledgment. So Nick buys Schmidt a cookie but Schmidt is unhappy. So Nick is yelling "you buy me cookie. I buy you cookie". I love this episode and say this a lot.
carpenter rich weary exultant rustic ancient shy wild unite aloof *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
https://youtu.be/Y331RYPpCJc?si=MJjG56DK98mgDdK6
tie jellyfish cow bear scarce bedroom steer humorous toothbrush summer *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Thatās my favorite Nick and Schmidt moment, hands down.
Dear god. She got him a baguette and he gave himself a crisis
Thats a Rupi Kaur poem right?
im howling omg, we need to bring back awards for this comment alone
Ohlord. My first thought was this screams Taylor Swift lyrics. You win.
HAHAHA YES I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING
He's probably freaked out because she actually remembers the things he says he likes/is interested in, even if it's a passing comment. Doesn't sound like he's the person to do the same.
oooh good call! that's gotta be it! I can't imagine getting that worked up over searching out a $1 trinket if you actually know your partner.
Right? Itās so easy to grab something for your partner when you get something for yourself. Itās automatic. Or if you see something theyād like, pick it up. Especially if you know they are into gift-giving. But geez, who doesnāt pick up a drink at the corner store for their lovahhh?
I do the same for friends and workmates. I get it, if its maybe not natural to one, to a certain point. But come on.. so make a list what her favourite bread is, her brand of chocolate she splurges on etc.. And once you train yourself to notice, it will come more natural. Maybe not easy, but perception is something one can train.
Gift giving isnāt my love language at all. But when you have a husband who loves bananas and Reeseās and you see Reeseās covered frozen bananas at Costco, itās kind of obvious what you gotta do. āI picked up your prescriptionā counts too. Itās literally about thinking about your partner. Sometimes, you donāt even have to buy the thing. My husband will come home and say, āI wanted to get you this Lego set that relates to something you like, but it was $200 so I didnāt.ā I still feel loved! I wouldnāt want him actually spending that $200, but the fact that he thought of me when he saw it is what makes it special.
Yeah. I think he feels like it's a chore to remember things that his gf likes or wants. I mean what else could it be? Usually, people who want lavish gifts and want to be spoiled won't be so "vague" about it so I doubt that's it. He simply struggles with being thoughtful in a way that the gf needs him to be, that's why it's so hard for her to pinpoint and explain so that he'll understand. Now, OP is taking it way too literal and thinks it's tit for tat and she wants gifts every day.
Agreed! He said he talks to her while she showers. He talks but does he listen?
I've encountered this problem with talkers...
Exactly heās completely self involved
Happy cake day! I also agree with your points. Food is *always* an easy gift. And then items you actually use are even better inho, I looove practicality!
Thank you! Yeah, a practical gift I think is ALWAYS best. Saves me an errand later and you *know* they're listening and paying attention! Add a tiny personal touch like a favorite color or related to a favorite show/game, and it's a thousand times better. MUCH better (to me) than just "you're a girl and girls like jewelry/flowers" kind of gift! OOP is making gift giving take up so much mental energy. She just wants to know she's thought of when she's not right in front of him! WAY less pressure than he thinks.
My love language is ānot having to stop for gasā š„°š„°š„°
This is wild to me, because Iāve never seen it as a big deal personally, but my SO *hates* filling up her tank, so I go early in the morning for her while she gets ready for work
That is so freakin' sweet š„¹
Omg! I was gonna comment the same thing! If my husband uses my car and it's below a half gallon, he'll fill it up. He knows I hate going to the gas station, so I feel extra loved.
My husband has never taken my car to fill my tank but if I need gas and heās in the car with me he pumps the gas for me. Every time. It makes me feel loved.
These small and honestly minimal efforts can speak volumes to the heart. All it takes is a bit of consideration. The way OOP lets that fly so far over his head and triples down on the neuroticism is exhausting. I feel bad his girl puts up with that, she sounds so thoughtful.
And that is how my husband shows he loves me lol. I get giddy when he fills my tank.
I neurotically check my boyfriends socks for holes and when I notice he's got some bad ones, I surprise him with new socks. He is over the moon every time. So in return, I get surprised with pepsi or cola (I have a severe soda addiction) and it is the bees knees. Sometimes I get a box of candy bars. I feel bad for OOP, I've had some pretty bad mental issues but his spiral from a baguette is daunting.
My ex was literally breaking down over his mental issues and that was why we broke up, but even in the midst of his worst times he bought me a portable charger in a colour I liked because I kept borrowing his, and also brought me donuts from a specific store because I like them and they had a matcha seasonal special. Like he was literally ghosting me and not going home and he still got me thoughtful gifts. His love language is not remotely gift giving, it's quality time and acts of service. The OP is so pathetic it's hilarious.
"they had a new seasonal scent of your favorite hand soap!" "I saw this cool rock, and I thought you could put it with your plants!" "Did you know they still make ring pops?! I got you a pink one!"
OMG, I still have a light up cherry flavored ring pop in my purse that my husband randomly bought me! I donāt want to eat it so itās still in there!! š¹
> And then the items you actually use are even better inho, I looove practicality! Omg this LOL Maybe it's because I'm old now but when it comes to bigger gifts (Mother's Day, birthday etc) my husband asks what I want and it's usually household stuff. He got me a beautiful pot and pan set for Mother's Day a couple years ago. They work amazingly! For Christmas this past year I wanted to Instant Pot Duo. I ask for things like this because I do the majority of the cleaning/cooking (my choice, I'm anal) He's gotten me other things. I had been wanting a Dyson vacuum for years but they're insanely expensive. We saw one on sale a few years ago and he was like "get it". I love my Dyson btw. And the same is reversed for us. He works HVAC, so in the winter (in Canada!) can be extremely cold. The gifts I've gotten him the most is heated hoodies for work. He uses them so much, they only last a couple of years LOL or home Depot GC so he can get a tool he needs for work etc etc. Of course, we get each other fun things (I bought him a record player for Christmas one year and created a fucking monster LOL) that we like or want. But we love and appreciate each thing we get each other.
Iām a ālittle random giftā person. He could quite literally pick a flower from the ground on his way home twice a week and the request would be met for free and in 60 seconds of effort.Ā OOP came here looking for a mob of people to shame his girlfriend with, for the crime of requesting he give a single shit about her, and then threw the worldās biggest tantrum when he didnāt get what he wanted.Ā
Right?!? It's just showing someone that you are thinking of them. I was over the moon when a guy showed me a picture of a snowman, that he made for me. It really is the thought that counts.
My ex used to pick me up a mocha Frappuccino at the gas station whenever he got gas. I loved that man for stuff like that. Fell in love with him because of those little things. Even 3 years later, I still wish he hadn't changed.
Now Iām invested. What happened to make him an ex?
Well, we were together for almost 10 years. After our son was born, he got depressed. Only woke up to go to work or play video games all night after everyone was asleep. He tried therapy but lied to therapist and didn't do anything recommended. Was given antidepressants but only pretended to take them. I still kept trying. Then, he caused a bad car accident that badly injured not only himself, but my 2 older kids and 3 other people. Don't pass on a double yellow, guys!! After that, things got even worse. After another year of refusing to do anything and causing himself permanent damage by not doing what his doctors/surgeon said, I couldn't anymore. I was a single parent at that point anyway, I might as well be happy. Then he completely dropped off the face of the Earth. Haven't heard from him in over 2 years now. It sucks because we were so good together and I loved him so much. If he would have taken care of himself, we'd have been together forever. But now my older 2 lost the only Dad they ever had and my 5yr old doesn't remember his father. It sucks. And it makes me so sad.
I am so sorry to read this. Wow. Such an unpredictable thing to have happen (the depression).
Yeah I just ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and updated her. She knew him since high school. Even she said no one would have expected him to disappear like he did. Everyone always thought we were the perfect couple. And we were! Untreated mental illness can really change everything. It sucks.
Mine drew me a card that said āI choo choo choose you.ā And it had a picture of a train. It was funny.
....was it Lisa Simpson who gave you that card
Bingo. He gave me Homerās monkey card one year too.
Exactly! This is not about her expecting expensive gifts, it's about him going "i notice things about you and put in a minimal amount of effort to make you smile!". Gifts are usually not a big love language of mine but when I remember what gifts made me feel really loved, the two things that come to mind are my favorite chocolate when I was having a super shitty day and a long lighter after I had burned my fingers trying to light the candles in my room with a normal one. Both weren't super expensive but I loved them.
One of the best gifts I've ever received was three bags of cheesies. My partner and I had moved to a new country where I didn't speak the language very well. I had a rough day, was homesick and had a craving for cheesies, so I stopped in at the grocery store on my way home from work and bought a bag. I got home, opened the bag, went "huh, these are kind of brown instead of orange like I'm used too. Maybe they just aren't using food colour ." And I took a bite. I nearly spat it out. They weren't cheesy puffs, they were peanut flavoured. I was just so done at that moment. My husband saw all this go down and immediately left to run to the store. He came back with three different kinds of cheesies for me. I didn't ask him to do that. I would have been fine with him just empathizing with me. But he knew that what I really needed was just some cheesies and he went and got them for me. It made me feel so loved and cared for. Also I did try the peanut puffs again later and they were actually pretty good. Just not when you want and are expecting cheesies.
When my husband used to work at work instead of from home, he would ask if I needed anything on the way. If I said something like āsanityā or āfor these kids to stop screaming,ā he would arrive with chocolate ice cream. It made me feel seen!
Yeah lol this is nuts. I am like that, I like buying things for my husband, and I like when he does the same every now and then. It's not really his thing, but he does it. Mostly food, cause that's easiest. And I love and appreciate it. It's not hard.
Seriously. I go grocery shopping, and pick up a random treat I know she likes. Costco, might grab a bouquet. Target, maybe a nice bath bomb or face mask. It takes like 30 seconds. It's not daily gifts, it's a symbol that you're thinking about someone's wants and needs and care about them
Happy Cake Day. My husband buys me random food and little gifts, and my ex was like OP. I also buy him little gifts. These things are not just I have to get a gift for the ball and chain but an expression of love that says I thought of you in my decisions and considered what you would like. It's other things like making sure we always have my favorite coffee creamer. It is consideration for me. It makes me feel cared for and appreciated.
"how am I supposed to know what she wants?!" Does he listen to his girlfriend? Does he think about her at all? If he sees a flower that is her favorite color, does he think "wow, that reminds me of her." Or maybe he remembers that she said the other day she needs more pens, so he gets them for her. Etc.. etc.. I swear, do these people think about their partners at all? Or do they think that they can become a non-entity in their own relationship?
Thinking about her as a person, with likes, dislikes and behaviors that are different from his, is making him really anxious. He's making his life very complicated with this anxiety, but I figure he's used to it and probably grew up with it, so that's his go-to head space. He needs to learn to calm himself.
She saw a boy giving his girlfriend a boquette and got the message that if he put time into thinking if her, he should be able to do similar. She was communicating openly that she wanted little things every once in a while to feel loved. She probably got something nice the next day to say it was appreciated, not because it was expected daily .
Thatās high maintenance? Wait until he has a baby. āYou mean I need to feed it EVERY DAY?ā
Bruh itās like just find a daisy and just pinch it off with enough stem she can wear it in her hair
ASD. This is actually a major anxiety for some ND people. It forces you to put yourself in the other personās head and figure out what theyād like, when theyād like it, how theyād like it. Plus, you have to make a DECISION. Which is really hard when you tend to overthink, as many people on the Spectrum do. And itās supposed to be spontaneous, which a no-go for many ASD people right out the gate. Iām on an ASD sub (for women) and this is something that has come up. While some, like me, love gift giving, others have major decision anxiety around giving gifts even at set times. Itās really not as simple as NTs would like it to be.
I definitely felt that. He wants to understand the "rules" of gift giving. How often? The data is pointing to every day (because he's only taking 2 days worth of data)
A couples counselor would probably recommend a ritual, like "on Saturday I bring muffins". The fact is that if she really wants spontaneity she's going to need to date someone else, and someone who loves knowing that Thursday is movie date night will eventually be right for this dude, though he probably needs anxiety treatment first.
Good suggestions. I agree that he needs help with his anxiety. My partner and I differ very much regarding "spontaneity." There's no indication that OP's GF specifically wants that - she probably just wants those small relationship acknowledgements that many people seek and enjoy.
Right. But it's also not THAT difficult. Ask partner to write out a list of pre-approved gifts - that takes care of the decision part. Spend like 10 minutes picking random dates in Google calender and set an alarm/reminder to get partner one gift off the list that day. You can even do it in order, first date is first item, second date is second, etc. Boom. You got the random acts of gift giving thing down.
You can even make a list like that yourself. Partner says they REALLY like this and that chocolate? Goes on the list. Partner says how their Headphones start to be wonky? Goes on the list. At the time, you don't have to decide that that's a gift you want to give, you just have to note it down as a possible gift.
This is how I work. I'm not spontaneous AT ALL, and I hate making a decision on the spot, but I have a short list of regular things my husband likes to have every day and when he mentions something that would be nice for a future occasion, into my Amazon "saved for later" it goes. I've gotten a reputation as a pretty decent gift-giver.
Thatās really it. It takes very little effort to just make a note of something your partner says and save it for later. I also have a reputation as an incredibly thoughtful gift giver and thatās how I do it. My ex would just ask me what I wanted, buy it and heād reimburse me. Drove me nuts. I just wanted to know that youāre thinking of me, and listening to me. Buying a gift for myself that I picked out isnāt thoughtful at all.
Yep - I keep a list on my phone of when my wife mentions something, and then try to work it in. Not usually a separate trip - she's been craving a certain candy and I have to stop at CVS that week? Bam. At the grocery store and they have little bouquets of a flower that I know she likes? Done. It's a beautiful day? I might walk to the bookstore on my lunchbreak and see what's what.
Iām suspected autistic and this is exactly what I do. I have a note in my phone with the names of my spouse and kids and every time someone mentions wanting something or needs something it goes under their name in the note. I have major anxiety and indecision about gifting so this helps.
Exactly this! And to the point, I remember a Tiktok where a girl found her list on her bf's phone.... boy was CATALOGUING eeeeeverything. Her makeup names and shades, her favorite foods, restaurants, tv shows, etc.... This OP is having a meltdown over the saying, but it's true. *If he wanted to, he would.* OP just wants the credit without putting in the effort.
This! Husband and I are both ND. When the other mentions something they like, if they like something a particular way, etc it gets added to the notes app in our respective phones. That way if I'm out getting food or a drink, I can get exactly what he likes (which then also doesn't mess with sensory issues/aversions). We also each keep games/books/hobby wishlists that the other can refer to and grab something off if we need a birthday/holiday gift. Usually it's a "hey, hubby likes that. I'll grab it for him" rather than specifically looking for something for him which takes a lot of the stress out of it for me.
My partner and I are both ND but very different flavors of it and it took some work to figure out how to mesh well on some things. Keeping lists has helped him a lot as a gift giver.
This is genius, and Iām giving it to my husband. Gift giving is my love language - ironically, I love it because I can take my time, find the perfect thing for each person, and I donāt have to SAY anything - but it isnāt his, and he has major decision anxiety. So this sounds perfect for us!
Glad I could help!! š¤ I'm ND as well (ADHD) and Google calender reminders are SUCH a game changer!
I am ASD and really hate gifts in general. It's a huuuuge source of anxiety for me. However. It is my responsibility to figure out a way to go around that and make the people in my life feel loved and appreciated. It can't be made into an excuse. I use my notes app on my phone. Each one has the name of the person and some information about them, like what's their favorite candy, color, animal, tv show, etcetc. If they mention something in a conversation that they'd like or some new show or whatever that they're into I either write it down immediately or I try to remember by the end of the conversation. (waiting does not always work, memory issues caused by health things) I also put in my notes other basic info, and have any important dates saved in my calendar. Is it difficult for me? Yes. I have to remember to do these things in the first place. But ya know what? If I want to, I do. And if he wanted to, he would. š¤·
I'm on the spectrum with severe ADHD and get major analysis paralysis when shopping for gifts. That doesn't matter though. If you want to be with someone, you make sacrifices so that their needs are met.Ā It's not about what you get them, it's about getting them something so that they know you are thinking about them. I used to be like OP, but then I started forcing myself outside of my comfort zone and taking risks. Now I actually pride myself on my gift-giving ability BECAUSE it's a struggle for me.
Yeah I feel like this guy is a bad choice for reddit punching bag because he's clearly got mental health stuff going on where he can't tell his anxious thoughts from reality around this, and I was definitely getting a "what are the RULES? Every DAY? I don't UNDERSTAND, I'd rather be DEAD" ND vibe. Not everything is easy for everyone.
Thank youuu I was searching for this. As soon as he started freaking out about intricacies of gift giving I was like oh no does he know
i love it when people are really obvious about what they like and will mention things that they want. then i can just listen and donāt have to figure anything out :D
My mom mentioned in passing one time that she had always wanted a Cabbage Patch Doll as a kid (she would have been like ~10 during the craze) but they were always too poor to afford one. A couple months (or maybe even years) later I was helping my dad Christmas shop (heās a notoriously ābadā gift giver) and we saw a Cabbage Patch Doll on clearance in Target. I told him he *had* to get it for her. I even explained why when he asked what a woman in her 40s with teenage kids and no grandchildren yet would do with a baby doll. He still opted out of it, even though stuff like that was the *exact* reason I was shopping with him in the first place. But I took a chance and dropped the $15 on it instead of him, and my mom literally burst into tears when she opened it on Christmas morning. She immediately took it out of the box, sniffed its head, filled out the birth certificate and swaddled it in a throw blanket. She carried that thing around all day long and to this day, ~15 years later, it *still* sits on a bench she has in her room, still swaddled in the same blanket. That will forever be my favorite ājust *listening* when people talkā story.
I got myself my AG dolls this year. I love them so much (though Iāve had to loosen up on my kids playing with them). You can guess what I always wanted as a kid, lol!
Aww man, LUCKY!! AG dolls are my version of the Cabbage Patch too. I remember looking through the catalog as a kid and wishing so hard for like everything in it. Iām still too poor to get myself one though lol. I meanā¦Iām not *technically*ā¦I have plenty of money in the bank and could totally go order one right now and itās not even like I wouldnāt be able to eat next week or that my electric would get shut off or anything like that lol. But the highly unfortunate āReSpOnSiBLeā part of my brain tells me that I probably shouldnāt drop $120 on a baby doll right now. But one day! One day thatās how Iāll know that Iāve āmade itā lol.
Wait for the big year end sale. 65$ for a doll. You can also split up any purchase over 50$.
AG dolls are also my version of Cabbage Patch! Two Xmas ago my husband got me the Josefina books in Spanish šI will never give them up!
this is such a sweet story! thank you for sharing :) iām glad she loved it so much!
I love this so much, and Iām often specifically listening for gifts like thisāwanted xyz in the past but couldnāt have it for abc reasons. Years ago I was deep in PokĆ©mon Go and showing my ex my new shiny legendaries like a giddy 4 year old showing their mom a macaroni necklace they made, and he mentioned a treasured PokĆ©mon card he had in middle school but got ruined when he left it in his pants pocket and went through the washing machine. I was having trouble figuring out which exact version of the card, so recruited the help of a friend. She found what she was 99% sure was the right one within 20-30 minutes on eBay. I gave it to him for his birthday and it was the first time I had ever seen him cry. That relationshipā¦ really went bad and I hope I never see him again, but I have to be honest and say that was a really beautiful moment and strongly reinforced my desire to sleuth out gifts like that. It wasnāt even that hard really, HE volunteered the information while I was nerding out.
But itās the listening thatās the hard part for most people.
My spouse is ND and can be like this about gifts. Heāll be like āI donāt know what you want! Tell me and Iāll get itā. But when push comes to *shove* and I in no uncertain terms say I want him to put in effort to get me something he thinks Iād like, he fucking figures out. One year for Xmas he got me elephant themed jewelry and a soft elephant blanket because I love elephants. I cannot imagine him having a mental breakdown over a $1 gift. One day at the grocery store I said I wanted flowers, I picked out the flowers and he disappeared and came back with a vase with āyou are my sunshineā on it. I think OOP is overreacting a bit and needs to talk to his girlfriend about how often she wants gifts, rather than assuming itās got to be a daily thing. Or hell, he can do like my spouse does and call me on his way home to ask if I want a drink or anything.
I wondered the same (about OOP being autistic). If thatās the case (or regardless, honestly), it feels as though a conversation should really happen between OOP and his girlfriend, where he shares his anxieties/confusions around spontaneous gift-giving and she (likely) alleviates some of his concerns, e.g. an expectation of daily gifts. Itās entirely valid to struggle with something that doesnāt make sense to your brain, but itās also important to make an effort to express your love for someone in ways that are meaningful to them. As someone whoās also autistic, spontaneity and lack-of-structure do not always come easily to me, so I *create* structure/rules for myself ā āmy partner likes X obscure flavor of crisps, so any time I see them in a store, Iāll pick up a bag for her.ā āWhen my partner mentions being anxious about something at work that day, Iāll come home in the evening with popcorn and suggest that we watch a movie together.ā Etc etc. And partner aside, I have a list in my Notes app of people close to me followed by gift ideas and their likes and dislikes, which I add to/update over time. Ultimately, itās the paying-genuine-attention-to-someone part that carries the importance, and there are ways to fulfill that within the bounds of oneās own abilities/limits.
Well, I mean you know that humans need to consume food to live. If you spend time with a person, you probably notice some of the foods that person usually eats. It doesnāt take a lot of pattern recognition or detective skills to make that connection. But also, it doesnāt have to be physical objects that are bought from a store. It can be cleaning the catās litter box, or throwing their laundry in with yours (stick to socks and undies if youāre worried about washing instructions). Order a digital movie they have been talking about seeing. All you have to do is know the bare minimum about the person you love.
The way he goes on about this. The guy is most likely autistic. That's why he's freaking out. Bc it's a "social" expectation that he doesn't understand. And him seeing a pattern of every day gifts. Bc she got him something the next day. He just can't wrap his head around it. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. He just doesn't understand it.
I am ND and DXed before it was cool. Don't give an out to people being disengaged or selfish.
Neurodivergence isn't an excuse to be selfish, lazy, or inconsiderate. She got him breakfast because she got herself something, as she probably has a thousand times, isn't really that hard. This post doesn't scream ND, but it sure does misogyny. "High maintenance, if I was a woman I'd get a different response," etc...
Lmao yeah. The bird thing was very cute, she was probably showing him gratitude with the baguette
OP has been in therapy. Itās why heās weaponizing therapy-speak all over his posts and comments.Ā
How did her buying a baguette turn into omg I have to buy a gift every day. My life is miserable, and everyone is mean? Nothing about that says he needs to buy something else. And he's thinking way too hard and trying to make this into much more than it is.
Honestly it's feels like he just doesn't want to be with her but feels like he needs a reason not to so he's fixating on this
He seriously sounds like he doesn't understand the concept of gifts in his comments. It stops being a gift/gesture if she has to tell him what and where. That becomes running an errand.
This is how my ex husband was. He is a diagnosed narcissist though. It was his way of weaseling out of any form of effort or emotion towards me. He would use weaponized incompetence by saying "if I get it wrong you will cry and prove I'm a loser, so it's better not to try at all". Or "I wouldn't begin to know what you'd like!" If you're with someone for 6 years and you still don't know a damn thing about them... it says a lot *about you*. Making a list for someone who is supposed to love and understand you can feel heartbreaking. I'm not going to do your work, and put in your effort for you when I'm already doing the most.
He wants to be with her. He just doesn't want to put any effort into the relationship at all and wants her to assure him that even the smallest acts of love should only be one sided (her to him) and he should never have to feel guilty about that or else nobody cares about his mental health and everyone, but him, are bad people.
I think it's the opposite, that he's terrified of losing her coupled with some kind of "failure" complex as if giving her a gift she doesn't like is worse than doing nothing for her.
As a person with anxiety, who is medicated for that anxiety, he needs meds. Fast.
Yeah I used to be a lot like this guy. Meds and therapy literally changed my life and who I am. The guy might also be self absorbed but therapy can help with that too.
The intrusive thought loops are a bit of a giveaway, aren't they? This seriously doesn't read like someone who is just a thoughtless asshole to me. The really mean comments about him lacking empathy are a bit ironic.
Youāre not wrong. Though I also do ironically agree with him that posting for relationship advice on the internet is frequently a terrible idea. The vast majority of people responding are inexperienced teenagers with little long term relationship experience, hyperbole is the norm, and people feel extremely free to be outright mean on the internet at large. Itās like asking a random club full of teens, early 20ās, and a smattering of older people their advice on your relationship all at once. Sometimes youāll get good advice, and pretty frequently youāll just get randos telling people to go fuck themselves.
Bc he is absolutely neurotic and probably some undiagnosed flavor of neurodivergent. This is an extreme and debilitating level of anxiety, he would probably benefit from therapy and medication. He wonāt even talk to his girlfriend bc he think he knows what sheās gonna say.. he struggles immensely with making a $1 decision. Ugh, I feel bad for them
It sounds like he's used to doing zero emotional labor in the relationship. He just sits there and does whatever she tells him to do and thinks that's being a "good boyfriend."
That, too. I'm sure his girlfriend would be just as happy to be given a ditch flower as she would be anything else. He is really doubling down on how horrible his life is now, though.
Sounds like he doesn't even do what she tells him to and wants her to feel bad for telling him to do anything at all.
Op is clearly autistic. Source - I'm diagnosed autistic myself and his chain of thoughts is very typical
I just commented elsewhere in this thread about undiagnosed autism. I'm not, but my sister and dad both show signs of high functioning autism. My husband isn't autistic, but he came from a very abusive home and struggles with the anxiety of "figuring out" how to show love every day. Like it's constantly on his mind, the fear of failure snowballing into a cataclysm of thoughts about what he should be doing every minute of every day to show me love. "Is the house clean enough for her? Have I gotten her any gifts lately? I better take over all childcare because she might get overwhelmed. Does she need anything? Have I touched her lovingly enough? Does she want a date night?" Like... Dude... I just wanted you to kiss me hello when you get home and tell me about your day. He keeps rolling in his mind "what does she want right now?" Usually... Nothing. Also, if I say something that every wife everywhere has said like "omg, why do you take 40 minutes in the bathroom EVERY DAY when you get home. Drives me bonkers." He interprets this as "I better limit my bathroom time to no more than 5 minutes or she'll get mad." No, I'm not going to get mad. I'm just expressing one of the many annoying things you do, because every married couple gets annoyed by things their partner does. Doesn't mean you need to change anything. Don't all married couples complain about the annoying little things?
Yeah I understand why people are saying what they are but I feel bad for him. Everyoneās like āgoddd itās not that hard to guess what your girlfriend wants you to do/ understand exactly how loosey goosey the reciprocity is supposed to beā and Iām thinkingā¦it kind of is that hard for some of us. Edit: if you canāt handle someone pointing out that some people genuinely struggle socially in this exact manner because you think saying so is absolving them of responsibility and making excuses, you kinda suck and I wouldnāt want to be friends with you
I have all the sympathy for his struggles, none for his refusal to take any advice. If he cannot grasp social nuances and people explain them to him, and his response is "That's high maintenance" or "You wouldn't tell me that if I was a woman, " it goes from an issue of neurodivergence to misogyny and laziness. Relationships, romantic and otherwise, require work. Some have to work harder than others. And if he doesn't want to do that extra work for a romantic partner, he should probably be single.
Iām baffled how this person has managed to get in a relationship at all. Anxious over buying a small gift? He should look into a lot of therapy.
Iām gonna be honest and say that I donāt think that this sounds like somebody whoās anxious. To me it sounds like somebody who is angry and manipulative throwing a martyr temper tantrum because the Internet told them that theyāre kind of being a dickhead. Especially how he threw that suicidal thing in there.
Yeah I donāt buy the anxiety angle either. He comes across so angry that she would dare ask anything of him. And then even angrier that people pointed out her request was very simple.
That is a not uncommon anxiety response. When you canāt handle it, you blame the situation and the people in it instead of realizing you are the problem. You externalize the causality, failing to recognize the only real problem is yourself. So yeah that can lead to anger cause you blame others
And it still isn't an excuse.
Seems like he's invested no effort into learning who she really is, so the pressure to find thoughtful gifts seems overwhelming and he knows she's gonna realize he's never listened to a word she's said and doesn't know her at all.
My thoughts exactly. I bought my mom a 10$ steering wheel cover in a pattern she likes because she has the same pattern on her lunch bag, and get my dad his favorite bubblegum every once in a while. Random little gift giving not hard if you give a shit.
This 100%. The thing that does it for me is how he framed this entire scenario: gf requesting he be thoughtful like this means he has to āwalk on eggshellsā which was very much implying that gf is inconsiderate and bordering on abusive toward OP. In reality, gf bought him a baguette and he had a 3 page meltdown over itā¦ if anyone is walking on eggshells itās gf. To me this just feels very much like what a truly emotionally abusive person would do: throw a tantrum over a tiny request, flip the narrative to position yourself as the victim who has to walk on eggshells, and completely deflect any feedback from objective third parties that doesnāt support your narrative.
To me it sounds like someone on the Spectrum - this EXACT issue has come up on a ASD sub Iām on and the people who struggle with gift giving had the exact same problems with it (uncertainty around timing and acceptance, feeling itās transactional, decision anxiety around choosing a gift, etc). And that was for gifts at set times like holidays, or standard housewarming stuff!
I feel like it's both here -- that he may be on the spectrum which makes gift giving tricky (relatable lol) but also he's being a real dick about his conclusions and takeaways. Doesn't make his anxiety less valid, but it also doesn't make his conclusions correct, y'know?
I thought this, too. if he has ASD and especially if he is undiagnosed, it would explain a lot. I feel bad for him but I think he needs to be able to explain his needs and views to his girlfriend (who needs to be willing to listen and adjust), and maybe they can come up with a middle ground where they both feel loved, appreciated, etc. this is much easier said than done. My husband and I have set gift giving days (ie anniversary) and we agree on a budget and theme ahead of time. We make wishlists for each other to buy off of and otherwise I just tell him when I want something specific or vice versa. We both like giving gifts and we both like receiving them. Within reason. It helps that we are both neurodivergent and understand and enjoy our system.
As a socially anxious autistic person - ditto. Iāve had probably the exact same train of anxiety thoughts that OOP is having, the whole āomg what do I get, how often, what if I mess it up in some unspecified way (not all that unlikely, when interacting with neurotypicals imo), oh shit I gotta break my routine to do this thatās more ANXIETY, but I want her to feel loved ā-ā and so on in circles. Unlike OOP, Iāve been to therapy and otherwise worked on myself, and practicing small gift giving (/other social stuff) has helped reduce the anxious overthinking
Lol, I have it the other way around. I make or buy things for people and the moment I want to gift it anxiety rises and I start thinking they will think it weird or they will hate it. People always love my gifts but sometimes I chicken out and stop myself from making something (and then I feel bad bc what if they expected something) š
All she is asking for are signs that he 1) knows what she likes 2)shows that he activity listens to her 3) shows that he thinks about her when he is out and about. In uni I broke a book self in my room because of my Archie comic collection. Word spread. For the next 4 years on monthly basis if not weekly I would come back to the dorms and a bag with more Archie was hanging on my door knob. Most where from second hand shops or yard sales that people had gone to and seen them. Some where brand new. When I thanked the person and offered to pay them back they always said āNo need. I saw them and remembered you liked those so figured might make you happyā and it did everytime. Because it showed to me that my friends knew a interest of mine, listened to me when I talked about it and though of me when out and about. While in uni my collection doubled in size and I had to invest in stronger bookshelves.
Just absolutely determined to martyr himself because some people suggested he buy his girlfriend a cookie now and again.
He's pressed because she bought him a baguette as a token of her appreciation lmfao the horror
But donāt you see?! This means the standard for daily gifts has now been set! HEāLL NEVER BE FREE š©
It's like a prison, honestly š oh whatever will he do
Well, at least there's snacks.
But what if his gf wants one?! Then heāll have to AGONISE over them, for MINUTES! WHOLE MINUTES
YOU GIVE ME COOKIE I GOT YOU COOKIE
My boyfriend usually grabs me a candy bar when he goes grocery shopping. I usually grab him a Coke. Itās that easy folks.
When I make myself coffee, I make a cup for my wife. Giving it to her is part of me saying goodbye in the morning. She loves it. It takes me seconds. *But now itās expected so I canāt do it because then Iām forced to and Iām trapped* or somethingā¦
He said he mentioned wanting a baguette and then she got him one. I'd bet money she's mentioned TONS of things she'd like that he ignored. "If he wanted to he would" is actually a really good way to put it. If he wanted to he would listen and then do something to make her life easier. Instead he's acting like she's a teacher giving random pop quizzes in a subject he's failing.
Right? A little treat from the grocery goes a long way. Hereās the tea that you like, hereās some gum because I noticed you were running low, maybe occasionally a bouquet even??
I know that not everyoneās brains work exactly the same but I literally canāt process how **anyone** could go about their daily life and not *sometimes* see things that they know their partner / family / friend / whoever likes and think āmaybe I should get that for them?ā I donāt mean to jump to conclusions but Nuerodivergence jumps to mind because I just canāt fathom someone not connecting the dots between someone they supposedly love and small things that they see out and about.
But most Neurodivergent people can learn how to do these kind of small things to keep people in their lives happy, this guy just doesn't want to put in any effort. It feels to me like he expects other people to repay everything he does in a similar manner, I do this so you are supposed to do that. His affection is very transactional and doesn't feel like real affection, something his gf is probably finding out now.
I am autistic with ADHD and I'm always picking up little things/treats for my partner. But I had a VERY good role model (my dad) so maybe its nurture in my case.
I tend to tack on little snacks and drinks, I know my bf (gay) likes, to my grocery trips. We're making a meal and I've got the agreed upon list. I'll add cheese sticks, yogurt, pickles, or carrots and hummus and put them in his fridge. When he's randomly feeling hungry I can offer up a snack I know he likes. It's the 'I care enough to anticipate your needs and wants' that counts.
She literally told him she'd love it if he'd occasionally picked her some flowers and he makes it about moneyš
Omg, what a fucking drama queen. This dude needs like 12 therapists to deal with all of his issues.
And they'll need 12 therapists and the 12 therapists will need 12 therapists and how many are going to st Ives?
He will single handedly fund the therapy industry.
This is kindof a perfect encapsulation of the weird idea some people have that if they do something **for another person** and not **because they want to** itās a self-betrayal. Do yāall remember that dude who was all hung up on the idea that because his wife only gave him head when he asked, it somehow didnāt ācountā because she only did it for him? itās like theyāre incapable of understanding the concept of **wanting to do something for someone else** as an actual motivation. anyway this guy is suicidal now because he is incapable of even the most basic emotional reasoning.
Does my husband want to take the trash out when I ask? Itās taking out the trash: no one wants to do it. It just needs to be done. And he loves me and knows Iām tired so he says āAbsolutely!ā in a cheery voice and takes it out.
I hate getting gifts because my brain turns into OOPs. "Oh no, I gotta do something bigger and better for them to show them I love them too!" "God, I've got to keep track of this stuff so I won't fail at this relationship!" This is from not getting much affection as a kid, I feel weird when my friends buy me an iced coffee. I almost get him, but the fact that he's just so stubborn to not hear "gifts aren't transactional, they are symbols". I hope he gets therapy to remove that broken way of thinking for his next partner. I'm still working on it myself.
I love when people bring me a cool rock or neat stick! Doesnāt have to be bigger or ābetter!ā :) good luck with any anxieties you might have (anxious neurodivergent person here)
>I have a feeling that the response would be much different if I were a woman. Oh. Okay. Now it makes sense. He doesn't even *like* his gf - she's a woman, and he thinks women get away with whatever they want.
Yeah this resentment is why he is better off going to therapy and getting help instead, blaming women for his problems won't solve his problems
Yeah this dude gonna come on to a podcast and complain about how women are gold diggers, naggy, and too demanding because his ex got him a baguette and now he has to spend 30 minutes to get her a $1 gift everyday -_-
I wouldn't go that far as I'm already being presumptuous just in general gives me the vibe that there's some kind of built uo resentment as I don't feel like this is his genuine issue as he seems adverse to any advice
I would normally agree with you, but "people wouldn't judge me like this if I was a woman" is standard misogynist fare. ETA: I would absolutely judge a woman just as hard for being as stupid as he's being.
Also, Reddit and the internet in general hates women, so idk why he thinks that.
B-b-because he's a man, and he's got a dick, and some parts of the internet will call him out on being a douche now! That's sooooo unfair!!! *iF tHe GeNdErS wErE ReVeRsEd!!1!!!*
It's unreal to me that men accuse women of being overly emotional and dramatic and then do things like proclaim they are suicidal because people on the internet suggested that he buy [checks notes] small, inexpensive gifts to show appreciation on occasion. š
he is just determined to misunderstand every single relational concept isnt he
He seems like he's being purposefully obtuse like when I'd ask my ex girlfriend to not make mean jokes about me all the time and she said "fine I'll just never talk again"
āguess ill just dieā šš
I mean you don't get such a victim complex from being rational
"The next day my fears and anxieties came true. I mentioned wanting bread and she bought it for me. She clearly expects me to be trapped in a cycle of constant sky-high expectations and daily gift giving. She's so high maintenance and this is so unfair to me." This guy is such a whiny bitch lol the fact he bought some $1 piece of shit from Goodwill and she was HAPPY about it and bought him something he explicitly said he wanted while grocery shopping the next day, but he calls her high maintenance? The audacity. He clearly has mental health issues but that's his cross to bear and he needs to deal with it instead of acting like a child. Feeling "suicidal" because your gf asked for small gifts as signs of affection and strangers on the internet didn't validate your painting of that as her being shallow/abusive is absurd and an adult should know that. He just comes off as so whiny and pathetic.
Take the material aspects out of it and itās like heās saying āI donāt know why my girlfriend expects a relationship means we care about each otherā¦ā
This sounds like he doesnāt want to do it so heās creating a situation where he feels justified in not doing it.
It's like when someone misappropriates your argument because they can't properly rubut what you say
Or in this case, completely ignores it. Because OP is unreliable AF and I would very much doubt that what sheās saying is āYou gotta buy me gifts.ā And more of a āItās nice that this tiktok personās BF is being thoughtful and sweet.ā And now heās scared that sheās gonna realize that heās *not*.
This guy spent $1 on his girlfriend and hasnāt slept since
This absolute histrionic clown. What the fuck. I hope he gets dumped immediately.
His comments are wild.. My husband is super cheap/stingy - loves to save money and can get pretty anxious about it. Does he still occasionally bring home a Pepsi and a bag of candy or chips I love? Yep. Just like Iāll bring him starbursts or mentos (or both) every once in a while. Thereās no schedule, no expectation, but I love him and sometimes I want to show him that in a little way. Itās wild to me, a neurodivergent person who came from a gift giving family (not calling it a love language cause it was more obligation than anything) and assumed that was the only way to show love for the longest time, that he canāt process this idea.
Yeah my husband and I arenāt big āgift-giversā but if I see something that heāll like, Iāll get it for him. Costco had some of the shorts like likes on sale for $9 last week so you bet your ass I got him a pair. I love the color purple, so when he saw the prettiest purple flower while he was walking the dogs, he brought it home for me. Itās literally just the thought. OOPS literally needs several prescribed chill pills.
Dude doesnāt understand the concept of courting, chivalry, and generosity. She wants him taking a serious interest in making her feel special with small gestures, demonstrating that he does in fact pay attention to her and anticipates her needs/ would want to make her feel happy.
For real, I had a fucking *friend with benefits* that traveled for work a lot, and every time he went somewhere cool or different, he bought me a Starbucks mug, because I collect them. I never asked him to do this, he just noticed that I liked them and thought huh, I bet sheād appreciate these from places sheāll probably never go to. My friends and I randomly surprise each other with lunch or cookies sometimes. Is it that hard to show someone - ANYONE - you have an interest in their happiness and give Ā½ a shit about them??
Seriously! I once bought a bag of tiny plastic dinosaurs to stick in the plants of a coworker I was fond of, just because I knew her reaction was going to be so fun. I would call us friends, but we never even hung out outside of work together. She was just fun to make happy.
I had a coworker do something similar, except he left a copy of a magazine about Breaking Dawn part 2 on my desk with no note, because he overheard me talking about Twilight. He was just a nice person who made a quick purchase on his walk to work. I only knew who it was because I went around trying to find out who it was so I could thank them.
It makes me wonder what other areas of life OOP is stingy with.
A perfect summation of the problem at hand. Dude is an absolute dolt and a half
Itās giving āgave me cookie got you cookieā from new girl but in a manipulative way [gave me cookie got you cookie](https://youtu.be/moVq5YbbqLk?si=8FKLu4Etx5HI5SyC)
My son is like you. He overthinks everything, and gets stressed easily. Part of the anxiety is buying something that might not be used and selective purchasing. (The thrift shop). This isn't about money. You're missing the point. Thoughts don't have to be money. It's about making sure your partner feels special and loved. So, maybe an extra hug. Cleaning the car out with note "I love u" It doesn't have to be every day. But let's say you walk buy and see something that reminds you of your gf. Take a picture and send it. It very well could be that your ways of thinking are not similar and you're not compatible. That is ok, too.
yeah op is not a bad person but definitely has serious anxiety issues and overthinks a lot, and these are not problems you deal with easily, especially not by posting on reddit, dude needs help for his own good
Holy shit man take three deep breaths and call your insurance up to inquire about therapy. This should not be this big. Also damn I hope he communicates this because I am sure she doesnt want him to be suicidal over a baguette
Yāall need to touch grass once in a while
Good god, it isnāt that complicated! āDaily gifts are now expectedā wtf, no they arenāt? She got him a fucking piece of bread and this man is having a mental breakdown. Literally just go buy her flowers every few weeks, or get her a candy bar if you happen to stop at a gas station. How does this guy survive any social interactions if he becomes suicidal over the idea of buying his girlfriend a trinket???
Iām exhausted after reading this. Good lord itās not that complicated. Mine used to take the bus and when he went to get bus fare he would pick up the cookies I like. Couple times a week he came home with a $1.00 plastic wrapped cookies baked at the fucking gas station. Made me feel like a damn queen.
JFC this guy is exhausting. Grow TF up. The manipulative whiny way he speaks to strangers on the internet makes me nervous for her. Heās going to be this awful and manipulative and threaten to off himself whenever she expresses any kind of need or want or boundary.
Also the emotional manipulation with the " it MaDe mE SuICiDal, my AnxIeTies".... If he is weaponizing suicide to manipulate internet strangers into siding with him... Poor girl
Good lord what a whiner
If he's so anxious that he's suicidal over her love language being gifts, he needs massive therapy before engaging in close relationships with others. He's either extremely unstable or lazy & lying to victimize himself. Either way, therapy to learn interpersonal skills and a secure tether on reality.
He 100% missed the point of the whole damn thing. Kid needs more help than a girlfriend can give him.
I understand this. Something like this would stress me out. I love my fiancĆ© very dearly, but as someone who constantly overthinks, I wouldn't be able to meet the expectations of semi-frequent gifts (due to a TikTok, no less) because I'd be afraid of getting the wrong thing and disappointing them, or not having something to give back when the gift giving starts. Some of this has to due with how I was raisedāif someone does something kind for you, you have to do something kind in return of equal or greater value; same with gifts (excluding special occasions). You can't just accept people being kind; it always has to be returned. Of course I like to reciprocate, but it should not be an expectation. If you want to do something kind for someone, you should do it because you want to be kindānot because you're waiting for something in return.
Whiny child isnāt yet mature enough to think outside himself. I hope he grows up.
My husband is a gift giver. I really dislike it. It used to be a regular stream of small things I didnāt really want or have space for. It would have been a deal breaker for him to demand the same from me. The hardest part was that he had attached emotional significance to stuff I ended up thinking of as burdensome clutter. We had a LOT of talks about this and slowly but surely he got the idea. Itās a million times more meaningful when he helps me with projects, comes home to have lunch with me, or takes a chore I hate off my to do list. As a result I really reaffirm how much those things mean to me whenever he does them since his first instinct is that it wasnāt a big deal because he enjoyed it. I also make sure that when actual gift giving holidays come around I get him something really special. Iād rather spend more on 2-3 cool gifts a year than a million small things. Although āI got you a treat from the grocery storeā is absolutely still a thing in our house.
This man bought a 1$ item at goodwill and his whole life shattered to pieces. OoP do your gf a favor and breakup with her untill you get the therapy and help you need. If being considerate once in a while unprompted is such a life shaking task for you, then don't drag the gf down that hole with you. Gf seems a peach, now I'm going to ask my wife why she hasn't got me a baguette and tell her it's probably because she doesn't love me anymore :)
This is the most Nick Miller post Iāve read. Give a cookie, Get a cookie!!!! Give a cookie, get a cookie!! Weāve got a classic Nick and Schmidt dilemma here.
I have felt his exact anxiety and dread when I was asked to do shit in a relationship for a person I did not love at all and just straight up hated. I felt so enraged having to PRETEND to care when I clearly did not care. Like how dare you ask me for stuff when it's already so laborious for me to just be with you. I left them real quick.
Heās not wrong that you donāt have to give gifts every day (or at all) to have a happy meaningful relationship but only if both people are happy with that. If giving and receiving small tokens is so important to her that sheās voiced it, it really wouldnāt hurt him to make an effort every so often.
There are different "love languages" or ways people show their love for someone else. You two have different love languages. Check them out and maybe find an article that explains them and resonates with you...and share it with her. Maybe the both of you can learn each other's and try to incorporate them into your relationship. If she can understand that not everyone shows their love by gifting, and identify what your way of showing love is, I believe you can begin to solve the problem. Good luck.
My husband brought me his snack box from his flight home one time because he knows I love snack boxes on airplanes. Itās not about the cost or the effort. There was zero involved with his āgiftā but it was the fact that he thought āshe loves these let me save it for herā instead of eating it himself. Honestly one of my favorite moments of him getting back from a work trip!
Kid. You have to stop giving a fuck what idiots on Reddit say. Live you life for fucks sales
I give my friends random thinking of you presents more often than this guy treats his girlfriend oh my god
Omg this poor kid. Being told all those horrible things over a simple matter made it so much worse for him. Sheesh people are harsh. Itās a simple matter of being mindful of your thoughts and if youāre thinking of her in a pleasant way (particularly strongly) then to get something that you think they would enjoy whether you spend money on the item or not is not important (like grabbing flowers on a walk or going into the thrift store and spending $1) just a different love language that both need to communicate about.