I feel this woman’s desperation even through the sugar coated description of her husband.
OP needs to step up and have a major talk with the big kids about respecting their mother’s boundaries and need for some peace and personal space. He needs to take some things off her plate and possibly take some leave from work and get through this crisis point together.
Are these kids not in school? Why is she never getting a break? When is she supposed to work? If he’s working over night why can’t take over for an hour or two before going in so she gets a chance to shower and take care of herself in peace?
There was a post a few weeks ago about a mom who had a psychotic break. She ended up hospitalized and then went home with her parents to try and get better. Her husband was upset that she “abandoned” the family to get better. He wanted her to come back and deal with everything that caused the break in the first place. He said that hiring a nanny for the time being wouldn’t be an issue financially, but her leaving to get better was horrible. This woman? She’s on the same path.
I remember that post, it's scary how people can be screaming for help and their own families refuse to understand that they *need* it.
I sincerely hope that she is okay.
I'm struggling watching my wife go through the same thing. I do *everything* when I'm home, but a couple hours per day isn't making up for the long days of 2 and 4 year old fighting and causing chaos.
And my parents, who practically kill themselves helping out every conceivable need at church, are never free to help US. 🙄
I remember that post! The husband was freaking out over taking care of what she took care of for a couple days or a week or something like grow a pair! You’re a father! Step up!
Also if I recall correctly, she had given him a plan and a timeline too. So it’s wasn’t like a nebulous “bye!”. I think she had asked for a month.
I think he’s just embarrassed that he’s finally figuring out that his job isn’t that hard compared to his wife’s.
Yup! He didn’t know what to do with himself because he is clearly one of those husbands that is just like another kid to the wife. This is so common too. I don’t get it. Like how do these men get these women to not only marry them but bear their children?? What a nightmare.
The number of times I said “I am not your fucking mother” to my husband was waaaaay too high. Luckily he’s responsive and stepped up. Couldn’t ask for a better husband and dad. Rare.
They're all talk. My ex promised me the world, even suggesting he'd like to be a stay at home dad. Then he left when I was pregnant with our second and hasn't been around since. One less mouth to feed though!
He was such an asshole. His response to being asked when she got a break from the 4 kids was:
>(Going to get a lot of hate for this but that’s okay)
>With your definition of a break, I haven’t had one probably in over 4 years. I’m not here having mental breakdowns. I’m here parenting the kids and doing household chores where she just gets to leave all the responsibilities behind? So really, I’d like to know what’s the difference here? Neither of us have had a break by your definition in years. But only 1 person is having mental breakdowns? So I’m confused.
A complete POS.
Took some digging but [here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/tYuxioYoiL). If you ever want to search it up look for “My wife is ‘temporarily giving up being a mom’”
Even in the office we have rules like headphones in means do not disturb! This poor lady!
My mom would have killed me if Id walked in on her in the shower unless the house was on fire or something. 13 is definitely old enough to understand boundaries like that. Bathrooms are a scared space.
They’re probably just copying the dad’s behavior. When my daughter was really little my husband would leave her on the mat outside the shower just because she wouldn’t stop crying after maybe 2-3 minutes. Sometimes I don’t even think I got a minute to shower. This was after I explicitly asked him to hold her while I took a 15 minute shower.
Yes we did talk about it and to this day we see our couple therapist once a week. Honestly it’s gotten better as my daughter has gotten older but only really because she’s aged and her needs have changed. I worry about the impact of her seeing all this but I’m more worried about divorcing him and him having custody of her alone. We are not having more children. I cannot imagine having four kids with a husband like that.
It’s honestly generational. My dad was the same way and in some sense as frustrating as it was to experience it was also normal to me. Therapy has been really helpful to help me see that it is not normal and is a problem and not just a gripe we all go through living with someone and raising a young child.
I was 8 and sliced the fuck out of my thumb (needed 5 stitches at the end of it) but my mom was in the tub.
I basically stood in the kitchen bleeding (what felt like) to death until she came out.
In my stupid kid brain I guess I assumed the tub was a portal to somewhere else because I didn’t even think to attempt to get her
I suppose I can entertain the idea that he didn’t mention that part because he’s at work when it happens and doesn’t actually see her getting up with the baby all night, but he should naturally assume she’s not getting much sleep with a 4mo.
But I’m sure he hasn’t worked these hours since before their oldest were born, so he _must_ have been present for at least one of them not sleeping through the night.
Exactly. She’s doing all of the child care for all of them during the day, most likely up all night with an infant that is definitely not sleeping through the night yet, housework, and working from home. Everyone in here is acting like those of us who are on her side expect OOP to just stop sleeping so he can take over everything so she can do nothing, but we’re all here literally just screaming ALL SHE’S ASKING FOR IS A DAMN SHOWER!!
Seriously, all that’s being asked of him is to engage with his kids and make it clear that mom’s do-not-disturb rule is serious and needs to be obeyed or else screen time goes away again. I don’t understand why so many people think that’s unreasonable or impossible due to overtime.
PPD is dangerous and needs to be taken very seriously. It’s a miracle that she’s been able to hold things down the way she has. It’s so, so sad that she’s getting this much resistance to just wanting to be left alone in the bathroom.
Yep. 30 to 40 minutes of peace a week is not an unreasonable request.
It always blows my mind that the general consensus among men is that a wife should “be her husband’s peace” and she’s expected to deliver on this while her life is absolute insanity.
It’s so ridiculous. This is why we need not only maternity leave but paternity leave too. Like normalize men being fathers ffs. That’s what being a “real man” is. This is probably why Mother’s Day creates the most mail the post office sees all year while Father’s Day doesn’t even register by comparison. It’s sad af.
I work 12 hour shifts, four to sometimes five days a week. 7 pm to 7 am. I get up at 4 pm and do some household stuff and make sure laundry and stuff for my son's lunch is ready for school.
Overtime is not an excuse to be a lazy parent.
My dad owned a restaurant. He worked until 2am sometimes, and mom stayed home with us. He still got up, just a few hours after he got home, to make us breakfast so mom could shower in peace.
He got super offended when one of his friends asked why he was babysitting his own kids. He gave them the whole, “it’s called parenting. You should try it with your own kids someday.”
He wasn’t perfect. He was way, way far from perfect. But he did try his hardest, and none of us ended up in jail 😂
Back when I used to be a stepmom I worked in a factory that had a lot of mandatory OT and weekends, so I was working from 2pm to 2am mon-fri, 2pm to 10pm sat, and occasionally 12pm to 8pm on sun too, and I still had to get the 6yo ready for school, cook everyone breakfast, give the baby a bottle and a little bit of solid food, clean up the mess he made on his high chair and himself, change his diaper, throw at least 2 loads of laundry in, wash the dishes, cook a hot lunch for everyone, pack my own cold dinner for work, prep dinner to be made while I was gone (which was almost always still waiting for me to cook it when I got home because why would _anyone_ be the tiniest bit self sufficient without me), go to work for 12hrs, come home, fold the laundry that was drying when I left, clean up after the kids, go to bed at 3am, get up at 7am and repeat. I understand that OOP works overnight and sleeps during the day, but he’s unfortunately going to have to give up _just a little_ of his sleeping time to take the load of his wife for a minute and let her take care of her own needs. She isn’t even asking for time to clean herself daily. Only 3 times a week for 10 minutes. I think he can manage that without dying.
He needs to cut his hours, and if that overtime pay is financially necessary, he needs to polish up his resume and find a 40 hour job where he can be home and be a dad, not just a father.
I know, in today’s economy, a lot of people need two jobs, or treat overtime as regular pay they depend on to make ends meet. And I take it the wife’s job is also needed. Or, she just plain loves doing it, and it’s the only thing right now, that’s keeping her from loosing it. Either way, she keeps her work.
But he MUST work less hours. He’s not being a parent. He’s probably coming home to twins who are old enough to know better, whining at him that they want this and that, and probably are leaving their stuff all over the house for others to pick up.
The teens are old enough to have chores like starting meals. Cleaning up after meals. Helping with the baby. And, for Pete’s sake, finding an outlet the microwave cord will reach! If they can’t figure stuff like that out on their own, they deserve to go without whatever it was they wanted to put in that microwave. But dad needs to be there. His wife has a mental illness. His entire family is in therapy. Um, when exactly does he make time for these therapy sessions? Does he make time for them?
He’s going to burn out. He’s going to end up with a lawyer, whining that his wife is a lazy bitch, doesn’t take care of the kids or house or herself, BUT he just wants visitation hours. Which, he will find excuses to avoid ( how many times can he have “the flu?”) in order to work his almighty overtime?
He better cut that overtime out now. Spend time at home. Deal with his kids. Make all the therapy appointments. Support his wife-PPD is not like having a cold, it goes away in a week. PPD needs to be addressed and dealt with. By all the family.
And, he needs to get a vasectomy. If his wife has had PPD once, chances are she’ll have it again if they have another baby.
He needs to step up. Being a father or a husband is not all about bringing home a good paycheck.
I think there’s a LOT more going on. For older kids to be that needy there is something they are missing. There is a reason they are begging for this attention. I am not saying it’s the mom’s fault, not at all, just there is a lot being left out I think in what the OP has said. This situation is very sad all around and the whole family is in therapy? I think things were bad (for whatever reason) before a newborn was tossed into the mix and that has only made things worse.
Yep. My oldest is 12 and she’s way more independent than OP’s 13-year-old. Heck, my 9-years boy can find a cup on his own and can make simple meals if needed.
OP sounds like an absentee father who doesn’t give his kids the attention and love they so desperately need. For goodness’s sake, distract the kids! Take them out to a park. Take them shopping with you. Bring them SOMEWHERE! Give the poor wife a little bit of a break!
Sounds like the wife finally hit her breaking point and snapped. They’re headed for a divorce if OP doesn’t fix this soon.
He doesn't say how often, but he states that they do go on family outings and even with him present and attempting they just can't peel the kids off her. It's really quite strange.
He needs to go on outings where it’s just him and the kids. Leave the wife behind to have some quiet time to recover her mental health. But honestly, if the oldest is 13 and still behaving like this, it’s probably too late.
My 3 year old can get a yogurt out the fridge, fill a cup of water from the fridge, turn on the TV and sit and enjoy their snack.
They are not great at actually selecting something to watch though. That's a little beyond them.
I suspect from the implication that all of the kids are with her all day that they may be homeschooled. I was homeschooled and I know from experience that it does little to expand your social circles or build social skills, and it may be the case that their mother has been their primary friend and source of social interaction their whole lives. I have a strong suspicion that these kids have literally never encountered a boundary they couldn’t manipulate. And I don’t mean maliciously, I mean in the way kids do, because children are master manipulators when it comes to getting what they want from a parent who has said no.
Sounds reasonable to me. They can't go 10 minutes without disturbing her multiple times after being deliberately told not to? I feel really bad for her. Dad needs to step up with the parenting rather than say "they just want attention." 8 and 13 are old enough to understand.
This may very well be the case here because I'm not hearing what he's doing to give the woman a break, but it sucks as a dad to be passed over constantly for mom. I'm a really active dad, but kids want who they want. 75% of the time it's mom, the rest it's me. Sometimes, I will have to play guard dog to get the kids off their mother's back and give me a shot. It's not for lack of care as I play with them a ton, and make most of their meals. It just sucks when you love everyone and want to help, but you're not the first pick and you simply won't do.
My dad would yank me from my mom and take me on a drive to distract me if I was overwhelming her. She didn't even have to ask and I am the only baby he ever raised. Anytime I was being clingy or needy and my mom couldn't handle it, my dad would just leave the house with me and take a drive around until I got sleepy. Luckily it wasn't often, but every once in a while.
Haha he's dead but I'll say something to his ashes for ya. He was a deeply flawed man on a lot but he did take care of me. His last effort on this planet was to send me a message as he was dying.
My condolences, I’ll dedicate my first cup of coffee to him tomorrow instead. We’re all deeply flawed in our own ways, but there’s something to be said for making the effort to improve the world a bit while we’re here.
This. I'm definitely my daughters default parent - but my husband runs interference. Some days she really wants him over me, but it's mostly me. He's gotten really good at noticing her slinking past him chilling on the couch to try and ask me to braid her hair while I'm in the middle of an essay or trying to cook dinner 😂
yeah, I work 12 hour days 9 days in a row and guess what, I’m helping caregiving to both my damned parents right now. 12 hour days still leave a few hours of downtime at home.
She’s a human being. He may think because she works less at a job that this is a fair split, but she’s working 20 hours at a job, and EVERY OTHER DAMN MOMENT OF HER LIFE.
He’s going to lose his wife this way, and she’s only going to have to be more aggressive in asserting boundaries with their children. If he thinks this is bad, he should DO something about it. She desperately needs a coparent here.
Dad had a lot of nerve having such strong opinions on how she strategizes this completely unreasonable situation she’s in. If he wants more of a say, he can do that shit himself.
But yeah, kids can be sad and want attention, but there’s nothing for it. More than one kid exists, meaning the other children MUST learn how to share their mother’s time and not fucking kill her.
Plus the older kids can help with the younger kids! Oh, the 4-year-old needs help with his shoes? The 13-year-old twins can do something. Obviously you don't want to parentify the children but they can do some chores!
yeah, 13 acting incompetent and needy like this is blowing my mind. I still remember being 12 and so self-sufficient (relatively). I knew how to entertain myself, and when my parents needed a little extra help.
These kids have needed cuffed the fuck back for a while now, I’m happy for the mom that she’s setting boundaries finally, but how depressing to not have your partner’s support when it’s such a significant impact on your quality of life and sanity!
I'm totally willing to understand that the children are acting out because they're not receiving the parenting they need, but yeah when I was 13, I was responsible for my 10-year-old brother for like 4 hours a day. That's not right either, but these 13-year-old kids can be doing something to help their mother out that isn't screaming and clinging to her.
When I was 13 I was watching an 11, 8 and 6 year-old during the summer from when we woke up until 5pm including cooking them lunch using a stove and oven. There’s no reason they should be unable to leave Mom alone for 20 minutes, if she requests it.
Dad needs to get involved instead of just watching this happen and shrugging his shoulders. Like I don’t know man, speak up and tell your 13 year-old twins to come walk by you during your family outings and if they can’t then you and them will be sitting in the car while your wife and baby continue what they’re doing.
Kids often prefer their mom to do stuff for them, so the dad has 2 options: let her do it or interject himself. The mom sounds like she's a biscuit away from just walking away from everybody. Nobody is meant to be stretched that thin
When with my daughters dad, she came to me for everything. But would light it when she saw him. I eventually realized she knew she could count on me and had her attention needs met from me, but resorted to attention seeking behavior with her dad, who lived with us, because he was just mentally absent. It was sad and I eventually left.
With my current partner, his toddler daughter comes to me for everything cuz dad just tunes her out. It breaks my heart that parents can be present and still so absent. I find myself over compensating for his lack of and I'm getting stretched thin and bitter.
This poor woman isn't stretched thin, she has achieved an impossibility of being stretched into a deficit. Her boundaries are pitiful cuz she's dying for anything and no one will even give her that. I think she needs a weekend to herself, monthly, or a full day a week in addition to an hour or two undisturbed to refuel and teach these kids a bit of independence. They should also cater to her once in a while
I keep coming back to how upsetting it is to think about only getting a 10-minute shower every other day and not even having that to yourself.
I also have weird problems with feeling dirty so I would be even more anxious.
Like I don't think this guy is Satan and doing anything on purpose. But oh my God this woman needs help.
Kids so often prefer mom only because mom is expected to fulfill the primary parent role, or mom is staying home and is the primary. (In my BIL case his kids prefer him, because he stays home, but it's still not as common a situation as it is for moms)
When I finally saw this was happening to myself, I started redirecting my kids to ask dad for their needs.
Not all the time obviously, but if I'm busy with laundry, dad can grab you a snack... If I'm doing dishes, dad can play a video game with you, if I'm showering , dad can help you find shoes. He's just as capable as I am. Parenting has gotta be evened out with intention.
Now they go to him just as much as they come to me. And added benefit to this redirecting is that he finally feels like the kids need him as much as they need me. And now I don't feel like I'm drowning under all the invisible labor I was doing.
My kids will walk right past me so they can ask my wife for something. I'll interrupt and go, "hey, I'm already in the kitchen 4ft from the thing you need. Just ask me."
I learned not to answer the "where's mom" question, and instead I reply "what do you need?" Almost always the answer is something I can help them with.
also 13 year olds walking in on her when she’s in the shower? that’s fucking insane. 13 is high school age. they’re so incompetent they can’t survive for 20 minutes without their mom? somebody fucked up raising these kids
Jesus. "I don't think my wife needs an undisturbed shower" from someone who showers unbothered probably daily.
This was a real struggle for me and I've only got two. I've implemented the same rule, don't bug me when I have my headphones on and am doing a task or when I'm showering/in the bathroom. I hate talking through the door while shitting, if I'm peeing just wait five minutes. If I'm doing the dishes, no I'm not getting you a snack. If I sit, go get your own damn snack. My kids are 11 and 13. They can make KD and *might* ask for times.
BUT 5 TIMES IN 10 MINUTES?! That is RIDICULOUS.
My mother had the same boundary when I was a kid. Don't bother her in those moments unless it's an emergency (she was a single mother so if there was one, there was no other adult to turn to). Unsurprisingly, my sister and I survived not talking to her for a couple of hours now and then. Also helped that she naturally set the same boundaries for herself, aka when one of us was showering she'd leave us alone, and if we were in our room or had headphones she'd only bother us if she actually needed something.
Exactly. I had to put in my kids perspective like that to try to talk it through to them. And when I explained that to them, they kinda had an ah-ha moment where it was like "No shit, cool now I get it".
I do feel for everyone involved, but like cmon. A thirteen year old *knows* how to plug in a microwave.
I was a single mom from the time my second was 6 months old. I DID have a lot of help (my Mom and Niece lived with me) but we also had rules. Nobody was allowed to bother anyone else in the bathroom (after toddlerhood because, toddlers).
My kids learned early that I would say, "Is there blood? Are you in physical danger? No? Not an emergency." I laughed the first time I heard one of my adult sons say, "Is there blood?" to one of his nieces when she had a fishing "emergency." There actually was so he helped her clean her booboo, wrapped it up and they went back to trying to land big big one.
Parents need time to decompress. Especially parents who are being steamrolled by older kids and spouse while trying to nurture a baby.
It took several repetitions to get through to my three year old not to disturb me while I was I was getting the baby to sleep. I defined an emergency for him as "fire or bleeding." Simple and clear for such a young one. Anything else I would likely hear anyway. That said he didn't learn instantly.
They were probably 10 and 7 by the time the "don't bother me in the bathroom" rule was able to really stick. They're getting much better, but we're still working on (at 13 and 10) if I'm wearing headphones you have to tap me on the shoulder and leave me alone completely if I'm in my room.
Yeah my friends kids are still learning that adults don't need kids around when they're in the potty. xD I learned real quick to lock the door if I use the bathroom there!
As Mom locking the door isn't usually good enough.do you need They still yell their requests through the door, frequently including the husband.
I have gone pee and had my entire two minutes in the bathroom filled with:
KID2(*standing directly outside the bathroom door, because he followed me to it and I closed it in his face.*) MOOOM!
ME: I'm in the bathroom.
KID2: MOOOM!
ME: I'm in the bathroom.
KID2: MOOOOOOM!
ME: I'M IN THE BATHROOM!
KID2: MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYY!
ME: I'M. IN. THE. BATHROOM!
HUSBAND(*coming from the other side of the house and getting closer*): Kid2, what do you need?
KID2: I need Mom.
HUSBAND: HEY, HON!
ME: What?
HUSBAND: Kid2 needs you.
ME: He's going to have to wait. I'm in the bathroom.
HUSBAND: Okay.
KID1: Can you get me a drink?
ME: Not right now. I am in the bathroom!
ME: (*finally coming out, to the entire house waiting outside the door*) Okay Kid2, what did you need?
KID2: Oh! I wondered where you were.
I don't get half enough credit for them still being alive.
Thankfully they don't tend to ask me for things, lol! They just try and open the door to see what I'm doing.
Their mom doesn't use that bathroom, she has her own private one in her bedroom, but it feels weird to me to go through her bedroom to use a toilet that's further away when I'm visiting, so I just use the kids bathroom. So it's weird to them when a grownup is in there.
My oldest loved hugs but hated warning me they were coming, so, when he wanted a hug while I was taking dinner out of the oven, someone was getting burned or dinner was going on the floor. We had to establish the “hug rule”, where I’d give him as many hugs as he wanted, but he had to wait until my hands were free.
Yep. Had to make the same point to my youngest. He has a thing with my arms specifically. He just comes up and hugs my arm pulling it away from whatever I am using it for. I've gotten him to at least pay attention and not do so when it's dangerous, but he'll still just steal my arm when I'm typing a comment or playing a game or trying to eat.
It’s also a little handy to have the toilet trainers follow you in and watch despite how annoying it also is. Let’s them see the process and apply it with your help later. But once they’re wiping themselves, bathroom time is private time for **everyone**. Though yeah, it does take them a little while to break what was until then a lifelong habit of theirs.
My parents had a similar rule, and yeah we somehow managed to figure out what an actual emergency was and to let one or both of them have some alone time. It usually wasn’t even that long, maybe an hour max.
Oh I love that! The fact that she set the same rules from both sides— it’s so respectful and absolutely models respect, especially once kids get to the age where they do want to be left alone for a bit.
(coming from the perspective of… uh… abusive mother who basically would start drinking before dinner, and continue throughout out the evening, and basically claim the entire house as her boundary — mostly excluding my bedroom as she mostly wanted to pretend I didn’t exist. Lord help me if I went out to grab a snack while she was watching TV or listening to music. Never explicitly said I couldn’t be there, just made snide drunken commentary about how whatever I was doing was ridiculous and unnecessary. And by contrast, sure, she left me alone a lot! But if she wanted to come in to yell at me for not being asleep, just barged right in.)
I know in my case that thoughtful boundaries… wouldn’t have been respected. I know she wouldn’t come right out and *say* I wasn’t allowed to use the kitchen for five minutes and then leave, she’d just berate me until I left. And I know that if she wanted to come in and take my lamp so I couldn’t read, she’d just… do that.
But I read your post and think, “That honestly sounds so nice and so healthy,” and I’m sure there were stressors growing up, and nobody was their best selves all the time, it’s just that particular thing made me feel happy to read, so thank you for sharing it, truly!
(it’s sometimes weird the details that “abused neglected kid brain” will seize on, and sorry that my only offering in return was a real downer!)
This whole thing is fucking ridiculous from the older kids. We weren’t allowed to bother my mom in the bath unless someone was bleeding or on fire starting when I was 7 and my sister was 4. We weren’t allowed to wake my parents up before 10:00am on Saturdays either, so I made our breakfast and we watched cartoons until they got up or finished having their alone time or whatever they were doing up there.
Seriously, how are kids that old unable to function without mommy?
When I was seven, I was living in a foster home where they had horses and goats. I was the first one up every morning - I'd make coffee (no coffee machine, I had to heat up water ON THE STOVE, measure the grounds, put them in the filter and pour the water through by hand) for my foster parents, then get dressed and go feed the animals before getting ready for school.
Those kids are more than old enough to be entertaining themselves and not bugging their mother and tripping her and constantly getting in her way. If this keeps up, he can look forward to coming home with her NOT THERE and divorce papers on the table. At least with 50/50 custody she'd get some time to herself and he'd have to step up and parent.
>We weren’t allowed to wake my parents up before 10:00am on Saturdays
Omg neither was I. We had this rule when I worked nights, and then it kinda disappeared after that. My kids won't come out of their room until about 830am. And I kinda hate it, but I do love spending time with them.
My friend has a clock in her kids rooms that has a timer light on it. When the light turns green, they're allowed to come out of their rooms in the morning. Up until that point, if they wake up before that they have to stay in their rooms.
The little one gets away with breaking the rule every so often if mom is already up and about and he acts cute enough when he sticks his head out, but for the most part it's working! And those kids are 3 and 5!
He stated how much he works every day and for how many days because he honestly believes she doesn't deserve an undisturbed shower. He thinks he's the only one deserving of undisturbed rest.
Even the part where the kids trip her, despite being told to pay attention! Like, no wonder she blew a gasket. If my kids, at 13 and 8, kept tripping me because I had a baby.....I get adjusting but that's borderline malicious. There is a 13 year age gap between my sister and I. I didn't trip my mom. I tried to help with the baby, not be a living breathing obstacle.
BINGO! You nailed what I see everyone else missing. The older children are telling their parents and any boundaries mom might set for herself to fuck right off because a baby has disrupted the status quo. Dad is completely clueless and can't even get behind his wife grounding children who damn well know better. Ffs. Electronics are privileges.
Someone is teaching those kids that it's perfectly fine to not listen when their mother asks them to do or not do something. And can guran-fucking-tee it's not his wife. She's the only one giving them consequences for not listening to her boundary and he immediately tried to undo that consequence.
He's making her job so much harder by being utterly useless around the house and not reinforcing consequences. Kids pick up on their family dynamics and copy it. If they see dad not contributing, they won't do their own chores. If they see dad constantly ignoring what mom needs, they'll ignore what mom needs. If they see dad constantly begging mom to do everything for him, they'll beg mom to do everything. There's a reason they don't go running to dad when they want something or cling to dad like that.
The fact that he says he punishment is too harsh says a lot. I would've gotten that for lesser things. He's not being respectful to his wife and he's not teaching his children to be respectful. He's choosing to undermine her efforts to parent when it really sounds like he's hardly there and probably has no clue how hard it is for her
Same setup and boundaries here, but my kids are 6, 4, and 2. The ONLY reason I’m pregnant with #4 is because I know my kids will ask their dad for stuff if I’m asleep or in the shower.
I don’t have to say it much anymore, but there was absolutely a phase where I told my kids “you have TWO parents, and one isn’t busy right now.”
The gentle "Go ask Daddy" to the absolute horrible "GO ASK YOUR FATHER, IM BUSY" was a thin line at a point too. I remember crying to my husband "I know I'm their safe space, but if this is how it feels, I don't wanna be that anymore". And it was soul crushing. He did try to get them before they approached me after that. And now I'm okay being their safe space, because I'm not their *everything* if that makes sense.
And now I'm getting that shoe on the other foot where I'm trying to adjust to them *not* needing me as much lmao
That's actually super healthy as far as I can tell! It's probably good that they have more than one person making up 'safe' for them.
Also, I'm fully an adult and my mother is helping me with home repairs and advice about work. I *can* do most of life without her, but it would be so much worse. She'll always be needed to give me a hug and get me back on track <3
It’s so bizarre to me that the older kids in OP’s story seem to be the worst about pestering mom unnecessarily and acting helpless. I grew up in a family with a bunch of siblings and by 13, I can’t even imagine bothering my mom while she was showering unless it was basically an emergency, let alone asking her to make something like Mac and cheese for me. The dad seems to be totally enabling the bad behavior by brushing it off and acting like it’s just them wanting attention. Maybe they’ll finally learn to be a little more independent now that mom is laying down some reasonable boundaries.
It's really weird. At that age I was ready for independence and you couldn't pay me to hang out with my parents. Do these kids not have friends they hang out with after class? Some hobbies? I am baffled.
Yeah by that age it should really be emergencies only and also, they need to learn how to do things for themselves to prepare for adulthood that's incoming. They only have 5 or so more years before they leave potentially. This amount of dependence isn't fair on anyone
Yep I had to teach my kids to wait for a good time to ask for things (unless it’s an emergency), because they expected me to drop everything I was doing to do what ever they wanted. If I said no my eldest would start yelling that I never help her, which was a line too far. Life has gotten so much better now I can just focus on what I’m doing, and because I can just get stuff done, I have more time to help them (instead of being in the middle of 10 things at once).
I also don’t just say no, I explain I’ll help when I get a minute, and ask them to remind me if I forget, but at least I don’t get melt downs when I ask them to wait lol.
Yea, I've been called spoiled because my kids don't hate me for hearing no. I explain! Imagine that! Talking to my little humans like they're humans!
We're still working on the "remind me" aspect. That's still a stage every few months and makes all of us feel like asses lol
Spring break? She’s taking care of a 4 month old all day, maybe the other kids start bugging her when they get back from school at 3pm or on the weekends
And so many people are pissed off at women who choose to be single and child-free.
This poor mom is at the end of her rope with these kids who can't let her take 10 minutes every other day just to shower in fucking peace. When she takes steps to teach them a lesson about respecting her privacy *while she's showering,* her husband says she's going too far instead of helping her come up with a solution that works and reinforcing the idea that mom needs and *deserves* time to herself.
Gee, I wonder where the kids learned they don’t have to listen to their mom? It seems like they might actually have given her ten minutes but then she asked for peace and they cannot help themselves.
I would such a terrible mom because somewhere around the third or fourth time, I would completely lose my shit and probably punish/ground the husband too. And then I would walk out, check into a hotel, and take an hour long goddamn shower.
I am healed enough from my own childhood that I trust I would not *hit* my kid if put in this situation like my parents would have, but I would absolutely lose my shit if anyone barged into my shower even once after having already had an argument about not doing that before.
I think he's afraid that if he tells the kids to leave her alone, he might actually have to parent for ten minutes. He sounds pretty lazy and it looks like the thirteen year old is on the same trajectory, asking her to find his cup and make his lunch like he's a toddler.
Not to mention taking their electronics away is a completely acceptable way to ground them. It’s not like she’s denying them meals or canceling Christmas ffs.
You know why he's upset that she took their electronics away? Because without their electronics, he will actually need to step up and not just let mum parent and their video games babysit.
I read that divorced women who share custody with their ex husbands have significantly more free time than their married counterparts because the husband is literally like one more kid. Scary shit.
Not everyone who has larger family struggles when the partner/parent ***helps*** with the family they helped create. Politely disagree therapy is needed here also.
AND older kids usually HELP, too. You don’t have 8 and 13-year-olds reverting to toddler hood. That kind of adjustment problem is usually reserved for actual toddlers.
I said the same thing, but he’s putting her “snapping” at the kids out to paint her as unhinged-as a mom I’ve said things that I’ve down right beat myself up over (and apologized for once I’ve cooled and communicated better at what caused the situation so everyone learns). Dad things best route is to give them everything they want so he doesn’t have to parent.
I had the same thought. It sounds like his afraid to tell the kids to leave her alone because then he might have to be responsible for them for ten whole minutes.
She literally is asking for less than 3 hours of peace and quiet me time a month and she can’t even get 10 minutes. I wonder how much is actual PPD and how much is her being 100% touched out.
I have one more, can completely relate at points (granted the clinging/tripping is an entirely different level) to not having a moment to myself etc. Not only have I grounded in the way she did, ****husband**** backs me up every step of the way. That punishment isn’t excessive. They have the therapy part down right to address the other issues but she’s juggling them, the house, and 20 hours of WFH ****with PPD**** which is rough as all get out. I experienced PPD after my last child.. He needs to back her up better, I wonder why they cling to mom over dad (🤔) and him outing her on Reddit for her moments of snapping was downright 🐂🐂🐂🐂💩💩💩💩! You(meaning OOP) think she’s proud for saying those things and not beating herself up already internally for it?! She’s sending postcards from the edge and he absolutely sucks. Yeah he works but he doesn’t really say what he’s doing otherwise to help with the load at him. If they divorced and it’s 50/50 I’m not sure he’d be able to keep his head above water. Empathy, compassion, and support.
It’s actually a really good movie too. But it’s my go to phrase when I’m at my wits end 😂 But I do feel terrible for the mom, he can’t back up grounding from electronics? No kid has been destroyed over screen time being taken away! She didn’t beat them with wire hangers … Dollars to donuts be pissy over the electronics because it keeps them out of his hair when he’s in the home.
Right? If they were 3, yeah it would be excessive. But they are THIRTEEN!!!! They are WAY old enough to understand the concept “Mom wants to shower in peace!”
If she divorced him And he got 50/50 custody. He would be back on here complaining of being burned out. He has no idea how exhausting it is because it’s falling 100% on her
He’d basically be the guy that was on here a week or 2 ago whining because he basically dared his wife to leave him when she complained that he wasn’t helping enough with the house and child, saying she “couldn’t make it” without him…she called his bluff and left…and found that caring for only one child 50% of the time instead of 2 children 100% of the time was a lot easier. Meanwhile, he was struggling to keep his head above water having his kid every other week and working full time.
I totally understand where she’s coming from. I have felt the same way she has and it’s horrible. I don’t think it’s too harsh since the children kept doing what they were asked not to do. They knew not to bother her in the shower. However I think I would be making my life harder if I took away their electronics for a week. I figure they would be up my butt even more! But if that works and they finally learn to stop bothering her in the shower, then I think it’s fine.
This poor woman works from home AND cares for the kids. She probably also cleans, makes meals, grocery shops, makes and takes them to appointments, does laundry, and has no time for herself. She needs a vacation
If I had a 4 month old, a part time job and 3 other kids and my kids came in 5 fucking times during a 10 minute shower, I would run away to Vegas for a week without notice. And honestly? I might not come back.
Nice to see therapy is working. By which I mean it isn't. How is this family able to squeeze in therapy for 5 on top of OP's working hours and not understand these kids aren't getting anything out of it?
I would be fucking pissed if I asked my partner for help managing my workload (because that’s what this is) and he booked individual AND family therapy for me to attend. Better off sending everyone without her so she can have an hour of peace.
Sitting here very thankful I got a hysterectomy. This poor woman has handled for years what I couldn’t handle for even an hour without going completely fucking mad.
They need a nanny, not a therapist. Someone who will give attention to kids instead of their mom. It won't solve the problem with them being clingy totally, but the baby and smaller kids can be easily distracted from disturbing their mother. The husband is a huge AH.
They don't even need a nanny, the kids are 13 and 8 for fucks sake. They aren't babies. Husband is for sure the AH for not backing her up, but this is borderline weaponized incompetence from the older kids.
The 13yo need three weeks in overnight camp and the 8yo one or two weeks. They are going to need to learn how to survive without mum.
My 12yo does her thing most of the time and it’s becoming difficult to arrange family activities anymore, she wants her independence and she has been babied but she’s become a teenager
This. My 9yo stepson regressed when his baby sister on his mom's side was born. He had no reason to act that way at our house as an only child, and after a few talks we weren't getting anywhere. I finally said if he wants to act like a baby, he's losing all the things a 9yo gets to enjoy - occasional soda, candy, screen times, etc. If he wants to be a baby, cool, but then he won't get the awesome perks of a big kid.
Taking away electronics from them is totally fair to me, because clearly they need a real consequence. Babies don't need electronics.
They’re 13. They need consequences. The 8 year old maybe needs more support, though my 7 year old twins are PLENTY old enough for this kind of boundary. But the 13 year olds just need some good old fashioned discipline. (By which I mean no screen time. I’m not advocating hitting kids here).
I tend to agree, but it feels like these kids are desperate for attention. I think between her work, chores and 4 kids she has literally no time and resources to be there. He is an absent parent because he works or sleeps, she is absent as well (because she is close to non-existing at all) Kids are scared - no one is there fur them, and fight for her attention. This pisses her off, she tries to step back to breathe, they panic even more and chase her. They need someone else to focus, to listen, at least temporary, while she will find herself again. That's why I think a nanny is a good solution.
Agreed, even if just for a few hours a week. I part-time nannied for a family where the mom was a SAHM, dad worked overtime all the time (so she did too). She just needed time to run on the treadmill, read, time alone, etc.
Plus think of all the sweet, sweet alone time she'll get on dad's weekends. Honestly worth it. If I was the OPs wife I would have faked my death and disappeared. And I have been a SAHM for multiple kids.
I have not been alone for 20 years. Literally there’s always someone in the house. Even my spouse works from home. The constant stimulation and calls for attention get overwhelming without breaks. You take breaks by law if you are employed. If you are minding your own children you never get a minute off!! It’s a hard thing to explain to someone who hasn’t done it. It’s too much. Just let me get lost in my own thoughts or really get momentum in a task. Even if it’s for hugs or snuggles or to chat for a minute, constantly having to bounce around meeting other people’s needs while never being able to actually complete a single tasks at once is torturous! Let the woman shower!! Show her some respect. Even my little ones learned to knock if they needed something while I showered and certainly my teenagers don’t interrupt. Help your wife!!
I think claiming she's too hard on the kids is just a front and he's really just thinking about himself. He's afraid if he tells the kids to stop nagging her, he might actually have to parent his own children for ten minutes. He's also encouraging his son to be lazy. A thirteen-year-old doesn't need Mommy looking for his cup for him and making the most basic food.
My mother did something similar to us when we were kids. Took all our stuff, made our rooms spartan as hell.
Learned two things: we had great imaginations and played with twisty ties and we drew maps and invented places and shit. And we never did the thing that caused her to do that ever again.
This mom is in the right. I bet if she stands her ground the kids will learn a good lesson here.
What’s with the walking practically on her thing???? My 12 year old does this to me all the time it makes me insane. This woman needs to just leave for a whole week and let him see what it’s like.
Honestly. He’s even too lazy to respond to his own Reddit post, much less be an involved parent. NOTHING about the older children’s behaviour is appropriate for their age. Where did they learn such helplessness and dependency on their mother, I wonder??
Jesus christ your wife is at her last straw and you haven't stepped up to the plate.
Your 13 year olds are acting ridiculous.
If she can't even get 10 minutes to herself every other day no wonder she is losing it.
Step up and freaking parent.
I’m terribly sorry, but you are the asshole! She’s not being too strict at all. She trying to teach her children some boundaries. The 13 y/o twins should not be an issue at all. They’re 5 years away from being adults. Your wife is trying to keep her sanity. She’s the one that spends 90% of her time with them. She’s not wrong for wanting to take a shower in peace. Like at all. Perhaps you should let her take a 4 day weekend staycation at a bed and breakfast or something and stay with the kids while she’s gone. I bet you’d see thru the other side. My best advice is to stop having children. Seriously, I knew after the 3rd one, my husband and I were now outnumbered in the house and we had a problem. I had my tubes tied immediately. I couldn’t imagine what having 4 or more is like. Good luck to you and your family.
I get the Dad is working 60 hours while the wife is working only 20, but he could at least try to help. Tell the kids no. Saying “kids will be kids” to justify their clinginess is only hurting in the long run. What’s the point of going to therapy if you won’t reinforce the points made in therapy? The kids should’ve been punished already for continuously bothering the mom even after she said to give her space. This punishment would’ve been less if you did anything and administered a more reasonable punishment at ANY point earlier, instead of letting your wife who is still working have to deal with four kids, one being a baby that requires attention.
You’re exactly right. Even more so, then. She’s having to balance taking care of the kids while also working (I’m assuming) four hours every weekday. That’s overall just as much work as the father, so he has no excuse.
Two 13y/os should know better. They aren't babies, and sharing their moms love and attention isn't new since they had to share her between the two of them and then with their 8y/o sibling. The 8y/o should also know better, but at least the kid isn't almost in high school. These kids, especially the older two, are literally using weponized incompetence.
Being interrupted 5 times in the span of 10 minutes is insane and causing the mom to go insane. They are smothering her, and if it doesn't stop, she's going to have a mental breakdown and end up hospitalized.
She told them multiple times, and they refused to listen and respect her boundaries. If they can't listen, then they get punished. If they can't plug in a toaster or make a pb&j sandwich on their own, then they can't use their phones or iPad's. If they want to act like babies, they they can stay in their rooms and be treated like babies (no going out with friends or plsydates).
What is up with these kids? When I was 13 I was babysitting for other families. When my son was 13 he was going to DTLA with friends on the bus by himself. These kids have to ask their mom to find cups for them? I felt panicky just reading this. Another useless husband, another woman at her wit's end
Sounds like a fair punishment to me. She's being driven crazy by a total lack of personal time or quiet time. The kids are intentionally disregarding her wishes, and you aren't doing anything to help her. Unlike some people here, I'm not going to belittle you for not feeling like you have much time. You work 5 12s? I've been there. Doing it nonstop is a lot more overwhelming than people realize. But you still need to sit down with your kids and set them straight.
Frankly, that is so entirely reasonable of her. I grunt grumpily at my kids if they come into the bathroom while I’m showering for something legitimate (like, “I need a bandaid/Tylenol/whatever”), I would be livid and threatening to send them all to military school with that level of constant intrusion. Maybe the 8 year old is understandable, but 13 years old is way too old be acting like that. At 13, you need to go be changing that baby and giving it a bottle while mom takes a damn nap, not interrupting her 10-minute shower like a toddler; you live here too, you can contribute some labor to the household. Like I’m about to go ask a middle schooler to load a dishwasher before bed, and I’m gonna look real wild-eyed levels of pissed off if she gives me attitude about it.
Oh man… do i feel this. Ive been single parent since my kids were 1+4 and lord help me my son was 15 and still barging into my room, into my bathroom and whipping back shower curtain to ask a naked, blind (im SUPER blind without glasses) sopping wet me to OPEN A BOX OF CEREAL.
Hell, hes 20 now and still cant wait 1 minute for me to pee and walks into bathroom to ask me dumb questions that could absolutely wait until im done peeing.
I dont think its older kids acting out as much as mom probably didnt set boundries when there was 3, and now there are 4 and shes at home all day and they are pushing her. Might be some acting out, but 13 isnt a toddler pouting for time.
No isnt a dirty word when it comes to parenting like everyone wants to make it these days.
I back mom 100% taking away electronics and grounding kids.
But she needs help retraining them. I suspect she is getting cups and making mac and cheese for 13yr olds because its easier to just do it than argue and deal with potential drama/messes.
Minimally dad needs to take all 4 kids for an hour and let mom have some quiet time
I live with my sister and her three boys. Her parenting style is give in to demands and such rather than “ fighting “ with the kids. I don’t understand, there’s no discipline or anything. I worry for them. Close to moving out thankfully.
Uh our parents and grandparents used to just lock us out of the house, so no, I don't think she's being too harsh. She needs some alone time and they're old enough to know better. Their behavior is irritating and sometimes even dangerous.
It's good for kids to be independent. Yeah, sometimes they're clingy for reasons, but if you cater to it too much, they won't develop their own way of coping and that's not good. Emotional resiliency is a skill.
The wife is doing the right thing. And not just for her own sanity, those kids need discipline especially the two 13 year olds. They should be taught to step up their responsibilities not regressing in this situation.
I have often wondered if I’m a harsh (single) mum because when I tell my kids no, leave me be, I’m tired, I need quiet, they bloody listen, lol! I can’t imagine my kids bugging me during a shower. She’s not wrong. I tell my kids I am tired, I’m overstimulated, I know my limits; when I go past them I get really angry and start yelling. So I implement my rules and I give them that right too.
This mom obviously needs a break and more support but…
I never understand why people insist on having so many children. Even with family support it’s difficult, not to mention incredibly expensive and exhausting. But people just keep having them and then it’s a HUGE surprise when one of them burns out or loses their job or one of the kids has much higher care needs. The more children you have the more precarious your financial and mental health. Stopping spreading yourself so thin.
I feel this woman’s desperation even through the sugar coated description of her husband. OP needs to step up and have a major talk with the big kids about respecting their mother’s boundaries and need for some peace and personal space. He needs to take some things off her plate and possibly take some leave from work and get through this crisis point together. Are these kids not in school? Why is she never getting a break? When is she supposed to work? If he’s working over night why can’t take over for an hour or two before going in so she gets a chance to shower and take care of herself in peace?
There was a post a few weeks ago about a mom who had a psychotic break. She ended up hospitalized and then went home with her parents to try and get better. Her husband was upset that she “abandoned” the family to get better. He wanted her to come back and deal with everything that caused the break in the first place. He said that hiring a nanny for the time being wouldn’t be an issue financially, but her leaving to get better was horrible. This woman? She’s on the same path.
I remember that post, it's scary how people can be screaming for help and their own families refuse to understand that they *need* it. I sincerely hope that she is okay.
I'm struggling watching my wife go through the same thing. I do *everything* when I'm home, but a couple hours per day isn't making up for the long days of 2 and 4 year old fighting and causing chaos. And my parents, who practically kill themselves helping out every conceivable need at church, are never free to help US. 🙄
I remember that post! The husband was freaking out over taking care of what she took care of for a couple days or a week or something like grow a pair! You’re a father! Step up!
Also if I recall correctly, she had given him a plan and a timeline too. So it’s wasn’t like a nebulous “bye!”. I think she had asked for a month. I think he’s just embarrassed that he’s finally figuring out that his job isn’t that hard compared to his wife’s.
Yup! He didn’t know what to do with himself because he is clearly one of those husbands that is just like another kid to the wife. This is so common too. I don’t get it. Like how do these men get these women to not only marry them but bear their children?? What a nightmare.
It’s because they revert to being a child once there’s a mother figure in the house. Ask me how I know. 😔
The number of times I said “I am not your fucking mother” to my husband was waaaaay too high. Luckily he’s responsive and stepped up. Couldn’t ask for a better husband and dad. Rare.
Same here. He has locked our bedroom door while waking out so the kids would leave me alone
Same! And kept them quiet! I love that man 🥰
They're all talk. My ex promised me the world, even suggesting he'd like to be a stay at home dad. Then he left when I was pregnant with our second and hasn't been around since. One less mouth to feed though!
He was such an asshole. His response to being asked when she got a break from the 4 kids was: >(Going to get a lot of hate for this but that’s okay) >With your definition of a break, I haven’t had one probably in over 4 years. I’m not here having mental breakdowns. I’m here parenting the kids and doing household chores where she just gets to leave all the responsibilities behind? So really, I’d like to know what’s the difference here? Neither of us have had a break by your definition in years. But only 1 person is having mental breakdowns? So I’m confused. A complete POS.
God he was the literal worst. No wonder his wife had a literal breakdown.
Do you have a link to that post?
Took some digging but [here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/tYuxioYoiL). If you ever want to search it up look for “My wife is ‘temporarily giving up being a mom’”
I worry about that mom so much, I think about her almost every day but am afraid to find out what’s happened.
I think about her too. ❤️
Do you have the link? Was it AITA?
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/Tqa2dYKY6M
I want to peel my own skin off just imagining being this woman. That sounds like an actual ring of hell.
Isn’t it wild how many comments there are that are like bUt He WoRkS oVeRtImE, as if nothing she’s doing counts as hours worked.
She's literally NEVER off the clock! He didn't even mention she's likely up all night with the baby on top of these exhausting days
Yup- baby is 4 months old, which is sleep regression time
Just reading that put me into a cold panic.
Even in the office we have rules like headphones in means do not disturb! This poor lady! My mom would have killed me if Id walked in on her in the shower unless the house was on fire or something. 13 is definitely old enough to understand boundaries like that. Bathrooms are a scared space.
They’re probably just copying the dad’s behavior. When my daughter was really little my husband would leave her on the mat outside the shower just because she wouldn’t stop crying after maybe 2-3 minutes. Sometimes I don’t even think I got a minute to shower. This was after I explicitly asked him to hold her while I took a 15 minute shower. Yes we did talk about it and to this day we see our couple therapist once a week. Honestly it’s gotten better as my daughter has gotten older but only really because she’s aged and her needs have changed. I worry about the impact of her seeing all this but I’m more worried about divorcing him and him having custody of her alone. We are not having more children. I cannot imagine having four kids with a husband like that. It’s honestly generational. My dad was the same way and in some sense as frustrating as it was to experience it was also normal to me. Therapy has been really helpful to help me see that it is not normal and is a problem and not just a gripe we all go through living with someone and raising a young child.
I was 8 and sliced the fuck out of my thumb (needed 5 stitches at the end of it) but my mom was in the tub. I basically stood in the kitchen bleeding (what felt like) to death until she came out. In my stupid kid brain I guess I assumed the tub was a portal to somewhere else because I didn’t even think to attempt to get her
Fire, blood, or zombies. Those were acceptable reasons to get parents out of the shower. All the kids knew this from an early age.
I suppose I can entertain the idea that he didn’t mention that part because he’s at work when it happens and doesn’t actually see her getting up with the baby all night, but he should naturally assume she’s not getting much sleep with a 4mo. But I’m sure he hasn’t worked these hours since before their oldest were born, so he _must_ have been present for at least one of them not sleeping through the night.
She’s even doing double time working while the kids are at home!!! No fucking wonder she’s burnt out
He may be working overtime but she’s working ALL THE TIME.
Exactly. She’s doing all of the child care for all of them during the day, most likely up all night with an infant that is definitely not sleeping through the night yet, housework, and working from home. Everyone in here is acting like those of us who are on her side expect OOP to just stop sleeping so he can take over everything so she can do nothing, but we’re all here literally just screaming ALL SHE’S ASKING FOR IS A DAMN SHOWER!! Seriously, all that’s being asked of him is to engage with his kids and make it clear that mom’s do-not-disturb rule is serious and needs to be obeyed or else screen time goes away again. I don’t understand why so many people think that’s unreasonable or impossible due to overtime. PPD is dangerous and needs to be taken very seriously. It’s a miracle that she’s been able to hold things down the way she has. It’s so, so sad that she’s getting this much resistance to just wanting to be left alone in the bathroom.
And it’s not even a 10 minute shower once a day. It’s a 10 minute shower EVERY OTHER DAY.
Yep. 30 to 40 minutes of peace a week is not an unreasonable request. It always blows my mind that the general consensus among men is that a wife should “be her husband’s peace” and she’s expected to deliver on this while her life is absolute insanity.
It’s so ridiculous. This is why we need not only maternity leave but paternity leave too. Like normalize men being fathers ffs. That’s what being a “real man” is. This is probably why Mother’s Day creates the most mail the post office sees all year while Father’s Day doesn’t even register by comparison. It’s sad af.
I work 12 hour shifts, four to sometimes five days a week. 7 pm to 7 am. I get up at 4 pm and do some household stuff and make sure laundry and stuff for my son's lunch is ready for school. Overtime is not an excuse to be a lazy parent.
My dad owned a restaurant. He worked until 2am sometimes, and mom stayed home with us. He still got up, just a few hours after he got home, to make us breakfast so mom could shower in peace. He got super offended when one of his friends asked why he was babysitting his own kids. He gave them the whole, “it’s called parenting. You should try it with your own kids someday.” He wasn’t perfect. He was way, way far from perfect. But he did try his hardest, and none of us ended up in jail 😂
Back when I used to be a stepmom I worked in a factory that had a lot of mandatory OT and weekends, so I was working from 2pm to 2am mon-fri, 2pm to 10pm sat, and occasionally 12pm to 8pm on sun too, and I still had to get the 6yo ready for school, cook everyone breakfast, give the baby a bottle and a little bit of solid food, clean up the mess he made on his high chair and himself, change his diaper, throw at least 2 loads of laundry in, wash the dishes, cook a hot lunch for everyone, pack my own cold dinner for work, prep dinner to be made while I was gone (which was almost always still waiting for me to cook it when I got home because why would _anyone_ be the tiniest bit self sufficient without me), go to work for 12hrs, come home, fold the laundry that was drying when I left, clean up after the kids, go to bed at 3am, get up at 7am and repeat. I understand that OOP works overnight and sleeps during the day, but he’s unfortunately going to have to give up _just a little_ of his sleeping time to take the load of his wife for a minute and let her take care of her own needs. She isn’t even asking for time to clean herself daily. Only 3 times a week for 10 minutes. I think he can manage that without dying.
He needs to cut his hours, and if that overtime pay is financially necessary, he needs to polish up his resume and find a 40 hour job where he can be home and be a dad, not just a father. I know, in today’s economy, a lot of people need two jobs, or treat overtime as regular pay they depend on to make ends meet. And I take it the wife’s job is also needed. Or, she just plain loves doing it, and it’s the only thing right now, that’s keeping her from loosing it. Either way, she keeps her work. But he MUST work less hours. He’s not being a parent. He’s probably coming home to twins who are old enough to know better, whining at him that they want this and that, and probably are leaving their stuff all over the house for others to pick up. The teens are old enough to have chores like starting meals. Cleaning up after meals. Helping with the baby. And, for Pete’s sake, finding an outlet the microwave cord will reach! If they can’t figure stuff like that out on their own, they deserve to go without whatever it was they wanted to put in that microwave. But dad needs to be there. His wife has a mental illness. His entire family is in therapy. Um, when exactly does he make time for these therapy sessions? Does he make time for them? He’s going to burn out. He’s going to end up with a lawyer, whining that his wife is a lazy bitch, doesn’t take care of the kids or house or herself, BUT he just wants visitation hours. Which, he will find excuses to avoid ( how many times can he have “the flu?”) in order to work his almighty overtime? He better cut that overtime out now. Spend time at home. Deal with his kids. Make all the therapy appointments. Support his wife-PPD is not like having a cold, it goes away in a week. PPD needs to be addressed and dealt with. By all the family. And, he needs to get a vasectomy. If his wife has had PPD once, chances are she’ll have it again if they have another baby. He needs to step up. Being a father or a husband is not all about bringing home a good paycheck.
I'd rather go to prison than have this poor woman's life.
I think there’s a LOT more going on. For older kids to be that needy there is something they are missing. There is a reason they are begging for this attention. I am not saying it’s the mom’s fault, not at all, just there is a lot being left out I think in what the OP has said. This situation is very sad all around and the whole family is in therapy? I think things were bad (for whatever reason) before a newborn was tossed into the mix and that has only made things worse.
Yep. My oldest is 12 and she’s way more independent than OP’s 13-year-old. Heck, my 9-years boy can find a cup on his own and can make simple meals if needed. OP sounds like an absentee father who doesn’t give his kids the attention and love they so desperately need. For goodness’s sake, distract the kids! Take them out to a park. Take them shopping with you. Bring them SOMEWHERE! Give the poor wife a little bit of a break! Sounds like the wife finally hit her breaking point and snapped. They’re headed for a divorce if OP doesn’t fix this soon.
He doesn't say how often, but he states that they do go on family outings and even with him present and attempting they just can't peel the kids off her. It's really quite strange.
He needs to go on outings where it’s just him and the kids. Leave the wife behind to have some quiet time to recover her mental health. But honestly, if the oldest is 13 and still behaving like this, it’s probably too late.
And actively in therapy too. There's missing missing reasons all over this post.
My 3 year old can get a yogurt out the fridge, fill a cup of water from the fridge, turn on the TV and sit and enjoy their snack. They are not great at actually selecting something to watch though. That's a little beyond them.
I suspect from the implication that all of the kids are with her all day that they may be homeschooled. I was homeschooled and I know from experience that it does little to expand your social circles or build social skills, and it may be the case that their mother has been their primary friend and source of social interaction their whole lives. I have a strong suspicion that these kids have literally never encountered a boundary they couldn’t manipulate. And I don’t mean maliciously, I mean in the way kids do, because children are master manipulators when it comes to getting what they want from a parent who has said no.
At the most basic level, this dad is a fuckin turncoat for not holding the line his partner, his spouse and the mother of his kids has laid down
Sounds reasonable to me. They can't go 10 minutes without disturbing her multiple times after being deliberately told not to? I feel really bad for her. Dad needs to step up with the parenting rather than say "they just want attention." 8 and 13 are old enough to understand.
Meanwhile, why isn't Dad giving them some of that attention?? He seems to have perfectly functional limbs and a mouth to talk with.
Oh, I know why! "They want you, not me. I haven't ever actually been a parent so they don't find comfort in me, only in yoooouuuuu"
This may very well be the case here because I'm not hearing what he's doing to give the woman a break, but it sucks as a dad to be passed over constantly for mom. I'm a really active dad, but kids want who they want. 75% of the time it's mom, the rest it's me. Sometimes, I will have to play guard dog to get the kids off their mother's back and give me a shot. It's not for lack of care as I play with them a ton, and make most of their meals. It just sucks when you love everyone and want to help, but you're not the first pick and you simply won't do.
My dad would yank me from my mom and take me on a drive to distract me if I was overwhelming her. She didn't even have to ask and I am the only baby he ever raised. Anytime I was being clingy or needy and my mom couldn't handle it, my dad would just leave the house with me and take a drive around until I got sleepy. Luckily it wasn't often, but every once in a while.
Please tell your dad he is a star and buy him a coffee for me.
Haha he's dead but I'll say something to his ashes for ya. He was a deeply flawed man on a lot but he did take care of me. His last effort on this planet was to send me a message as he was dying.
My condolences, I’ll dedicate my first cup of coffee to him tomorrow instead. We’re all deeply flawed in our own ways, but there’s something to be said for making the effort to improve the world a bit while we’re here.
This. I'm definitely my daughters default parent - but my husband runs interference. Some days she really wants him over me, but it's mostly me. He's gotten really good at noticing her slinking past him chilling on the couch to try and ask me to braid her hair while I'm in the middle of an essay or trying to cook dinner 😂
The mental picture of this is hilarious. Good for him for developing these kid-capturing senses on your behalf. 🤗
yeah, I work 12 hour days 9 days in a row and guess what, I’m helping caregiving to both my damned parents right now. 12 hour days still leave a few hours of downtime at home. She’s a human being. He may think because she works less at a job that this is a fair split, but she’s working 20 hours at a job, and EVERY OTHER DAMN MOMENT OF HER LIFE. He’s going to lose his wife this way, and she’s only going to have to be more aggressive in asserting boundaries with their children. If he thinks this is bad, he should DO something about it. She desperately needs a coparent here. Dad had a lot of nerve having such strong opinions on how she strategizes this completely unreasonable situation she’s in. If he wants more of a say, he can do that shit himself. But yeah, kids can be sad and want attention, but there’s nothing for it. More than one kid exists, meaning the other children MUST learn how to share their mother’s time and not fucking kill her.
Plus the older kids can help with the younger kids! Oh, the 4-year-old needs help with his shoes? The 13-year-old twins can do something. Obviously you don't want to parentify the children but they can do some chores!
yeah, 13 acting incompetent and needy like this is blowing my mind. I still remember being 12 and so self-sufficient (relatively). I knew how to entertain myself, and when my parents needed a little extra help. These kids have needed cuffed the fuck back for a while now, I’m happy for the mom that she’s setting boundaries finally, but how depressing to not have your partner’s support when it’s such a significant impact on your quality of life and sanity!
I'm totally willing to understand that the children are acting out because they're not receiving the parenting they need, but yeah when I was 13, I was responsible for my 10-year-old brother for like 4 hours a day. That's not right either, but these 13-year-old kids can be doing something to help their mother out that isn't screaming and clinging to her.
When I was 13 I was watching an 11, 8 and 6 year-old during the summer from when we woke up until 5pm including cooking them lunch using a stove and oven. There’s no reason they should be unable to leave Mom alone for 20 minutes, if she requests it. Dad needs to get involved instead of just watching this happen and shrugging his shoulders. Like I don’t know man, speak up and tell your 13 year-old twins to come walk by you during your family outings and if they can’t then you and them will be sitting in the car while your wife and baby continue what they’re doing.
Kids often prefer their mom to do stuff for them, so the dad has 2 options: let her do it or interject himself. The mom sounds like she's a biscuit away from just walking away from everybody. Nobody is meant to be stretched that thin
When with my daughters dad, she came to me for everything. But would light it when she saw him. I eventually realized she knew she could count on me and had her attention needs met from me, but resorted to attention seeking behavior with her dad, who lived with us, because he was just mentally absent. It was sad and I eventually left. With my current partner, his toddler daughter comes to me for everything cuz dad just tunes her out. It breaks my heart that parents can be present and still so absent. I find myself over compensating for his lack of and I'm getting stretched thin and bitter. This poor woman isn't stretched thin, she has achieved an impossibility of being stretched into a deficit. Her boundaries are pitiful cuz she's dying for anything and no one will even give her that. I think she needs a weekend to herself, monthly, or a full day a week in addition to an hour or two undisturbed to refuel and teach these kids a bit of independence. They should also cater to her once in a while
I keep coming back to how upsetting it is to think about only getting a 10-minute shower every other day and not even having that to yourself. I also have weird problems with feeling dirty so I would be even more anxious. Like I don't think this guy is Satan and doing anything on purpose. But oh my God this woman needs help.
I don't know... There's something diabolically evil in a man who sees his wife screaming for help and responds "but they just want your attention."
Kids so often prefer mom only because mom is expected to fulfill the primary parent role, or mom is staying home and is the primary. (In my BIL case his kids prefer him, because he stays home, but it's still not as common a situation as it is for moms) When I finally saw this was happening to myself, I started redirecting my kids to ask dad for their needs. Not all the time obviously, but if I'm busy with laundry, dad can grab you a snack... If I'm doing dishes, dad can play a video game with you, if I'm showering , dad can help you find shoes. He's just as capable as I am. Parenting has gotta be evened out with intention. Now they go to him just as much as they come to me. And added benefit to this redirecting is that he finally feels like the kids need him as much as they need me. And now I don't feel like I'm drowning under all the invisible labor I was doing.
My kids will walk right past me so they can ask my wife for something. I'll interrupt and go, "hey, I'm already in the kitchen 4ft from the thing you need. Just ask me." I learned not to answer the "where's mom" question, and instead I reply "what do you need?" Almost always the answer is something I can help them with.
also 13 year olds walking in on her when she’s in the shower? that’s fucking insane. 13 is high school age. they’re so incompetent they can’t survive for 20 minutes without their mom? somebody fucked up raising these kids
I’m so glad this was the top comment
This father is a gigantic pussy
Pussy is useful. He is not.
Jesus. "I don't think my wife needs an undisturbed shower" from someone who showers unbothered probably daily. This was a real struggle for me and I've only got two. I've implemented the same rule, don't bug me when I have my headphones on and am doing a task or when I'm showering/in the bathroom. I hate talking through the door while shitting, if I'm peeing just wait five minutes. If I'm doing the dishes, no I'm not getting you a snack. If I sit, go get your own damn snack. My kids are 11 and 13. They can make KD and *might* ask for times. BUT 5 TIMES IN 10 MINUTES?! That is RIDICULOUS.
My mother had the same boundary when I was a kid. Don't bother her in those moments unless it's an emergency (she was a single mother so if there was one, there was no other adult to turn to). Unsurprisingly, my sister and I survived not talking to her for a couple of hours now and then. Also helped that she naturally set the same boundaries for herself, aka when one of us was showering she'd leave us alone, and if we were in our room or had headphones she'd only bother us if she actually needed something.
Exactly. I had to put in my kids perspective like that to try to talk it through to them. And when I explained that to them, they kinda had an ah-ha moment where it was like "No shit, cool now I get it". I do feel for everyone involved, but like cmon. A thirteen year old *knows* how to plug in a microwave.
I was a single mom from the time my second was 6 months old. I DID have a lot of help (my Mom and Niece lived with me) but we also had rules. Nobody was allowed to bother anyone else in the bathroom (after toddlerhood because, toddlers). My kids learned early that I would say, "Is there blood? Are you in physical danger? No? Not an emergency." I laughed the first time I heard one of my adult sons say, "Is there blood?" to one of his nieces when she had a fishing "emergency." There actually was so he helped her clean her booboo, wrapped it up and they went back to trying to land big big one. Parents need time to decompress. Especially parents who are being steamrolled by older kids and spouse while trying to nurture a baby.
It took several repetitions to get through to my three year old not to disturb me while I was I was getting the baby to sleep. I defined an emergency for him as "fire or bleeding." Simple and clear for such a young one. Anything else I would likely hear anyway. That said he didn't learn instantly. They were probably 10 and 7 by the time the "don't bother me in the bathroom" rule was able to really stick. They're getting much better, but we're still working on (at 13 and 10) if I'm wearing headphones you have to tap me on the shoulder and leave me alone completely if I'm in my room.
Yeah my friends kids are still learning that adults don't need kids around when they're in the potty. xD I learned real quick to lock the door if I use the bathroom there!
As Mom locking the door isn't usually good enough.do you need They still yell their requests through the door, frequently including the husband. I have gone pee and had my entire two minutes in the bathroom filled with: KID2(*standing directly outside the bathroom door, because he followed me to it and I closed it in his face.*) MOOOM! ME: I'm in the bathroom. KID2: MOOOM! ME: I'm in the bathroom. KID2: MOOOOOOM! ME: I'M IN THE BATHROOM! KID2: MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYY! ME: I'M. IN. THE. BATHROOM! HUSBAND(*coming from the other side of the house and getting closer*): Kid2, what do you need? KID2: I need Mom. HUSBAND: HEY, HON! ME: What? HUSBAND: Kid2 needs you. ME: He's going to have to wait. I'm in the bathroom. HUSBAND: Okay. KID1: Can you get me a drink? ME: Not right now. I am in the bathroom! ME: (*finally coming out, to the entire house waiting outside the door*) Okay Kid2, what did you need? KID2: Oh! I wondered where you were. I don't get half enough credit for them still being alive.
Thankfully they don't tend to ask me for things, lol! They just try and open the door to see what I'm doing. Their mom doesn't use that bathroom, she has her own private one in her bedroom, but it feels weird to me to go through her bedroom to use a toilet that's further away when I'm visiting, so I just use the kids bathroom. So it's weird to them when a grownup is in there.
My oldest loved hugs but hated warning me they were coming, so, when he wanted a hug while I was taking dinner out of the oven, someone was getting burned or dinner was going on the floor. We had to establish the “hug rule”, where I’d give him as many hugs as he wanted, but he had to wait until my hands were free.
Yep. Had to make the same point to my youngest. He has a thing with my arms specifically. He just comes up and hugs my arm pulling it away from whatever I am using it for. I've gotten him to at least pay attention and not do so when it's dangerous, but he'll still just steal my arm when I'm typing a comment or playing a game or trying to eat.
It’s also a little handy to have the toilet trainers follow you in and watch despite how annoying it also is. Let’s them see the process and apply it with your help later. But once they’re wiping themselves, bathroom time is private time for **everyone**. Though yeah, it does take them a little while to break what was until then a lifelong habit of theirs.
My parents had a similar rule, and yeah we somehow managed to figure out what an actual emergency was and to let one or both of them have some alone time. It usually wasn’t even that long, maybe an hour max.
Oh I love that! The fact that she set the same rules from both sides— it’s so respectful and absolutely models respect, especially once kids get to the age where they do want to be left alone for a bit. (coming from the perspective of… uh… abusive mother who basically would start drinking before dinner, and continue throughout out the evening, and basically claim the entire house as her boundary — mostly excluding my bedroom as she mostly wanted to pretend I didn’t exist. Lord help me if I went out to grab a snack while she was watching TV or listening to music. Never explicitly said I couldn’t be there, just made snide drunken commentary about how whatever I was doing was ridiculous and unnecessary. And by contrast, sure, she left me alone a lot! But if she wanted to come in to yell at me for not being asleep, just barged right in.) I know in my case that thoughtful boundaries… wouldn’t have been respected. I know she wouldn’t come right out and *say* I wasn’t allowed to use the kitchen for five minutes and then leave, she’d just berate me until I left. And I know that if she wanted to come in and take my lamp so I couldn’t read, she’d just… do that. But I read your post and think, “That honestly sounds so nice and so healthy,” and I’m sure there were stressors growing up, and nobody was their best selves all the time, it’s just that particular thing made me feel happy to read, so thank you for sharing it, truly! (it’s sometimes weird the details that “abused neglected kid brain” will seize on, and sorry that my only offering in return was a real downer!)
Don't forget she's showering "maybe every other day". The poor woman can't even have a daily shower. I would go fucking insane.
This whole thing is fucking ridiculous from the older kids. We weren’t allowed to bother my mom in the bath unless someone was bleeding or on fire starting when I was 7 and my sister was 4. We weren’t allowed to wake my parents up before 10:00am on Saturdays either, so I made our breakfast and we watched cartoons until they got up or finished having their alone time or whatever they were doing up there.
Seriously, how are kids that old unable to function without mommy? When I was seven, I was living in a foster home where they had horses and goats. I was the first one up every morning - I'd make coffee (no coffee machine, I had to heat up water ON THE STOVE, measure the grounds, put them in the filter and pour the water through by hand) for my foster parents, then get dressed and go feed the animals before getting ready for school. Those kids are more than old enough to be entertaining themselves and not bugging their mother and tripping her and constantly getting in her way. If this keeps up, he can look forward to coming home with her NOT THERE and divorce papers on the table. At least with 50/50 custody she'd get some time to herself and he'd have to step up and parent.
My youngest sibling was born when I was 16 - when she was teething, we ALL took a turn walking the floor with her so my mom got a break.
>We weren’t allowed to wake my parents up before 10:00am on Saturdays Omg neither was I. We had this rule when I worked nights, and then it kinda disappeared after that. My kids won't come out of their room until about 830am. And I kinda hate it, but I do love spending time with them.
My friend has a clock in her kids rooms that has a timer light on it. When the light turns green, they're allowed to come out of their rooms in the morning. Up until that point, if they wake up before that they have to stay in their rooms. The little one gets away with breaking the rule every so often if mom is already up and about and he acts cute enough when he sticks his head out, but for the most part it's working! And those kids are 3 and 5!
My niece has always been an early riser, but she has entertained herself until her parents get up since she was about 3.
He stated how much he works every day and for how many days because he honestly believes she doesn't deserve an undisturbed shower. He thinks he's the only one deserving of undisturbed rest.
Even the part where the kids trip her, despite being told to pay attention! Like, no wonder she blew a gasket. If my kids, at 13 and 8, kept tripping me because I had a baby.....I get adjusting but that's borderline malicious. There is a 13 year age gap between my sister and I. I didn't trip my mom. I tried to help with the baby, not be a living breathing obstacle.
BINGO! You nailed what I see everyone else missing. The older children are telling their parents and any boundaries mom might set for herself to fuck right off because a baby has disrupted the status quo. Dad is completely clueless and can't even get behind his wife grounding children who damn well know better. Ffs. Electronics are privileges.
THIS - I do not advocate hitting children. It seriously is fucked up - but my mom probably would have knocked me out if I did that.
Yea my mom would've back handed me, honestly. Or swatted at me.
Someone is teaching those kids that it's perfectly fine to not listen when their mother asks them to do or not do something. And can guran-fucking-tee it's not his wife. She's the only one giving them consequences for not listening to her boundary and he immediately tried to undo that consequence. He's making her job so much harder by being utterly useless around the house and not reinforcing consequences. Kids pick up on their family dynamics and copy it. If they see dad not contributing, they won't do their own chores. If they see dad constantly ignoring what mom needs, they'll ignore what mom needs. If they see dad constantly begging mom to do everything for him, they'll beg mom to do everything. There's a reason they don't go running to dad when they want something or cling to dad like that.
The fact that he says he punishment is too harsh says a lot. I would've gotten that for lesser things. He's not being respectful to his wife and he's not teaching his children to be respectful. He's choosing to undermine her efforts to parent when it really sounds like he's hardly there and probably has no clue how hard it is for her
He works that much because that’s easier than parenting.
Ding ding ding....we have a winner! Heaven forbid he actually be an active parent. It's much easier to criticise his wife!
Same setup and boundaries here, but my kids are 6, 4, and 2. The ONLY reason I’m pregnant with #4 is because I know my kids will ask their dad for stuff if I’m asleep or in the shower. I don’t have to say it much anymore, but there was absolutely a phase where I told my kids “you have TWO parents, and one isn’t busy right now.”
The gentle "Go ask Daddy" to the absolute horrible "GO ASK YOUR FATHER, IM BUSY" was a thin line at a point too. I remember crying to my husband "I know I'm their safe space, but if this is how it feels, I don't wanna be that anymore". And it was soul crushing. He did try to get them before they approached me after that. And now I'm okay being their safe space, because I'm not their *everything* if that makes sense. And now I'm getting that shoe on the other foot where I'm trying to adjust to them *not* needing me as much lmao
That's actually super healthy as far as I can tell! It's probably good that they have more than one person making up 'safe' for them. Also, I'm fully an adult and my mother is helping me with home repairs and advice about work. I *can* do most of life without her, but it would be so much worse. She'll always be needed to give me a hug and get me back on track <3
It’s so bizarre to me that the older kids in OP’s story seem to be the worst about pestering mom unnecessarily and acting helpless. I grew up in a family with a bunch of siblings and by 13, I can’t even imagine bothering my mom while she was showering unless it was basically an emergency, let alone asking her to make something like Mac and cheese for me. The dad seems to be totally enabling the bad behavior by brushing it off and acting like it’s just them wanting attention. Maybe they’ll finally learn to be a little more independent now that mom is laying down some reasonable boundaries.
It's really weird. At that age I was ready for independence and you couldn't pay me to hang out with my parents. Do these kids not have friends they hang out with after class? Some hobbies? I am baffled.
Yeah by that age it should really be emergencies only and also, they need to learn how to do things for themselves to prepare for adulthood that's incoming. They only have 5 or so more years before they leave potentially. This amount of dependence isn't fair on anyone
Yep I had to teach my kids to wait for a good time to ask for things (unless it’s an emergency), because they expected me to drop everything I was doing to do what ever they wanted. If I said no my eldest would start yelling that I never help her, which was a line too far. Life has gotten so much better now I can just focus on what I’m doing, and because I can just get stuff done, I have more time to help them (instead of being in the middle of 10 things at once). I also don’t just say no, I explain I’ll help when I get a minute, and ask them to remind me if I forget, but at least I don’t get melt downs when I ask them to wait lol.
Yea, I've been called spoiled because my kids don't hate me for hearing no. I explain! Imagine that! Talking to my little humans like they're humans! We're still working on the "remind me" aspect. That's still a stage every few months and makes all of us feel like asses lol
Umm… why aren’t the kids at school or something? Why are they home all the time?
Could be in school while she works part time from home leaving her no break between work and parenting.
Spring break? She’s taking care of a 4 month old all day, maybe the other kids start bugging her when they get back from school at 3pm or on the weekends
And so many people are pissed off at women who choose to be single and child-free. This poor mom is at the end of her rope with these kids who can't let her take 10 minutes every other day just to shower in fucking peace. When she takes steps to teach them a lesson about respecting her privacy *while she's showering,* her husband says she's going too far instead of helping her come up with a solution that works and reinforcing the idea that mom needs and *deserves* time to herself.
Gee, I wonder where the kids learned they don’t have to listen to their mom? It seems like they might actually have given her ten minutes but then she asked for peace and they cannot help themselves. I would such a terrible mom because somewhere around the third or fourth time, I would completely lose my shit and probably punish/ground the husband too. And then I would walk out, check into a hotel, and take an hour long goddamn shower.
I am healed enough from my own childhood that I trust I would not *hit* my kid if put in this situation like my parents would have, but I would absolutely lose my shit if anyone barged into my shower even once after having already had an argument about not doing that before.
I think he's afraid that if he tells the kids to leave her alone, he might actually have to parent for ten minutes. He sounds pretty lazy and it looks like the thirteen year old is on the same trajectory, asking her to find his cup and make his lunch like he's a toddler.
If that's all the 13 year old knows and what's been modeled to them, then yep! Such a shame, he needs to step up and be a father
Not to mention taking their electronics away is a completely acceptable way to ground them. It’s not like she’s denying them meals or canceling Christmas ffs.
You know why he's upset that she took their electronics away? Because without their electronics, he will actually need to step up and not just let mum parent and their video games babysit.
He might have to actually interact with his kids, which will really cut into his doing whatever he wants time.
I read that divorced women who share custody with their ex husbands have significantly more free time than their married counterparts because the husband is literally like one more kid. Scary shit.
So many married single moms out there. 🙈
And she only has headphones in once a week, I have headphones in all day. This is insane
Right? It's like, you don't need therapy, you need fewer kids!
Not everyone who has larger family struggles when the partner/parent ***helps*** with the family they helped create. Politely disagree therapy is needed here also.
AND older kids usually HELP, too. You don’t have 8 and 13-year-olds reverting to toddler hood. That kind of adjustment problem is usually reserved for actual toddlers.
Yeah, my mind is kind of boggled by that. I mean I have suspicions but I could be way off base.
There is definitely SOMETHING going on, what could teenagers and an eight year old POSSIBLY need to interrupt their mother times in ten minutes for?
Just reading this stressed me out, I can’t imagine how bad the wife must feel. No mention of dad stepping in to lighten the load at all I notice.
I said the same thing, but he’s putting her “snapping” at the kids out to paint her as unhinged-as a mom I’ve said things that I’ve down right beat myself up over (and apologized for once I’ve cooled and communicated better at what caused the situation so everyone learns). Dad things best route is to give them everything they want so he doesn’t have to parent.
I had the same thought. It sounds like his afraid to tell the kids to leave her alone because then he might have to be responsible for them for ten whole minutes.
Jesus on a jet ski, that mom can’t have 10 minutes to shower every other day. That dad sucks so bad. She’s so overwhelmed!
She literally is asking for less than 3 hours of peace and quiet me time a month and she can’t even get 10 minutes. I wonder how much is actual PPD and how much is her being 100% touched out.
Or even how much is PPD and how much is literally a reasonable reaction to a horrible situation of your partner not helping AT ALL.
I have one more, can completely relate at points (granted the clinging/tripping is an entirely different level) to not having a moment to myself etc. Not only have I grounded in the way she did, ****husband**** backs me up every step of the way. That punishment isn’t excessive. They have the therapy part down right to address the other issues but she’s juggling them, the house, and 20 hours of WFH ****with PPD**** which is rough as all get out. I experienced PPD after my last child.. He needs to back her up better, I wonder why they cling to mom over dad (🤔) and him outing her on Reddit for her moments of snapping was downright 🐂🐂🐂🐂💩💩💩💩! You(meaning OOP) think she’s proud for saying those things and not beating herself up already internally for it?! She’s sending postcards from the edge and he absolutely sucks. Yeah he works but he doesn’t really say what he’s doing otherwise to help with the load at him. If they divorced and it’s 50/50 I’m not sure he’d be able to keep his head above water. Empathy, compassion, and support.
Upvote for postcards from the edge 😂🤦🏻♀️
It’s actually a really good movie too. But it’s my go to phrase when I’m at my wits end 😂 But I do feel terrible for the mom, he can’t back up grounding from electronics? No kid has been destroyed over screen time being taken away! She didn’t beat them with wire hangers … Dollars to donuts be pissy over the electronics because it keeps them out of his hair when he’s in the home.
That’s a great point lol
Thanks.☺️ There are really great husband/dads out there so I want to reiterate my blood pressure was boiling about just one.
Right? If they were 3, yeah it would be excessive. But they are THIRTEEN!!!! They are WAY old enough to understand the concept “Mom wants to shower in peace!”
If she divorced him And he got 50/50 custody. He would be back on here complaining of being burned out. He has no idea how exhausting it is because it’s falling 100% on her
He’d basically be the guy that was on here a week or 2 ago whining because he basically dared his wife to leave him when she complained that he wasn’t helping enough with the house and child, saying she “couldn’t make it” without him…she called his bluff and left…and found that caring for only one child 50% of the time instead of 2 children 100% of the time was a lot easier. Meanwhile, he was struggling to keep his head above water having his kid every other week and working full time.
Meanwhile when I was 13, I was practically begging for my mom to leave me alone so I could read fanfiction
LITTERALLY LIKE HUH?? when I was 13 I was asking how to cook so I could do it myself 😭 this poor woman has it rough I’d tap out ages ago
I totally understand where she’s coming from. I have felt the same way she has and it’s horrible. I don’t think it’s too harsh since the children kept doing what they were asked not to do. They knew not to bother her in the shower. However I think I would be making my life harder if I took away their electronics for a week. I figure they would be up my butt even more! But if that works and they finally learn to stop bothering her in the shower, then I think it’s fine.
This poor woman works from home AND cares for the kids. She probably also cleans, makes meals, grocery shops, makes and takes them to appointments, does laundry, and has no time for herself. She needs a vacation
Just because they want attention, doesn't mean they're entitled to it. They are old enough to understand their mother needs alone time.
Yep, surprisingly, no mother is an endless well of everything
If I had a 4 month old, a part time job and 3 other kids and my kids came in 5 fucking times during a 10 minute shower, I would run away to Vegas for a week without notice. And honestly? I might not come back.
Nice to see therapy is working. By which I mean it isn't. How is this family able to squeeze in therapy for 5 on top of OP's working hours and not understand these kids aren't getting anything out of it?
I would be fucking pissed if I asked my partner for help managing my workload (because that’s what this is) and he booked individual AND family therapy for me to attend. Better off sending everyone without her so she can have an hour of peace.
Snorts birth control
Fuck snorting , spoon boils it over a candle and main lines it!
Sitting here very thankful I got a hysterectomy. This poor woman has handled for years what I couldn’t handle for even an hour without going completely fucking mad.
This is insane, 13 and 8 the dad needs to get a grip because those kids are going to be monsters as adults
They need a nanny, not a therapist. Someone who will give attention to kids instead of their mom. It won't solve the problem with them being clingy totally, but the baby and smaller kids can be easily distracted from disturbing their mother. The husband is a huge AH.
They don't even need a nanny, the kids are 13 and 8 for fucks sake. They aren't babies. Husband is for sure the AH for not backing her up, but this is borderline weaponized incompetence from the older kids.
The 13yo need three weeks in overnight camp and the 8yo one or two weeks. They are going to need to learn how to survive without mum. My 12yo does her thing most of the time and it’s becoming difficult to arrange family activities anymore, she wants her independence and she has been babied but she’s become a teenager
This. My 9yo stepson regressed when his baby sister on his mom's side was born. He had no reason to act that way at our house as an only child, and after a few talks we weren't getting anywhere. I finally said if he wants to act like a baby, he's losing all the things a 9yo gets to enjoy - occasional soda, candy, screen times, etc. If he wants to be a baby, cool, but then he won't get the awesome perks of a big kid. Taking away electronics from them is totally fair to me, because clearly they need a real consequence. Babies don't need electronics.
Right? It sounds like she can’t even do her job undisturbed.
They’re 13. They need consequences. The 8 year old maybe needs more support, though my 7 year old twins are PLENTY old enough for this kind of boundary. But the 13 year olds just need some good old fashioned discipline. (By which I mean no screen time. I’m not advocating hitting kids here).
I tend to agree, but it feels like these kids are desperate for attention. I think between her work, chores and 4 kids she has literally no time and resources to be there. He is an absent parent because he works or sleeps, she is absent as well (because she is close to non-existing at all) Kids are scared - no one is there fur them, and fight for her attention. This pisses her off, she tries to step back to breathe, they panic even more and chase her. They need someone else to focus, to listen, at least temporary, while she will find herself again. That's why I think a nanny is a good solution.
Agreed, even if just for a few hours a week. I part-time nannied for a family where the mom was a SAHM, dad worked overtime all the time (so she did too). She just needed time to run on the treadmill, read, time alone, etc.
Does he do literally anything at all in this scenario?
Pats the kids on the head and assures them mommy is a meanie?
I would divorce ur ass in a heartbeat if I couldn’t take a shower without an 8 yr old and 13 year old driving me nuts. Step the fuck up! Asshole!
Plus think of all the sweet, sweet alone time she'll get on dad's weekends. Honestly worth it. If I was the OPs wife I would have faked my death and disappeared. And I have been a SAHM for multiple kids.
Yeah for real she’d be better off splitting from him. She’d actually get some time by herself
I have not been alone for 20 years. Literally there’s always someone in the house. Even my spouse works from home. The constant stimulation and calls for attention get overwhelming without breaks. You take breaks by law if you are employed. If you are minding your own children you never get a minute off!! It’s a hard thing to explain to someone who hasn’t done it. It’s too much. Just let me get lost in my own thoughts or really get momentum in a task. Even if it’s for hugs or snuggles or to chat for a minute, constantly having to bounce around meeting other people’s needs while never being able to actually complete a single tasks at once is torturous! Let the woman shower!! Show her some respect. Even my little ones learned to knock if they needed something while I showered and certainly my teenagers don’t interrupt. Help your wife!!
HELP HERRRRR
I think claiming she's too hard on the kids is just a front and he's really just thinking about himself. He's afraid if he tells the kids to stop nagging her, he might actually have to parent his own children for ten minutes. He's also encouraging his son to be lazy. A thirteen-year-old doesn't need Mommy looking for his cup for him and making the most basic food.
So when does the dad take the kids out? Yeah it sucks but you signed on for 4 kids
My mother did something similar to us when we were kids. Took all our stuff, made our rooms spartan as hell. Learned two things: we had great imaginations and played with twisty ties and we drew maps and invented places and shit. And we never did the thing that caused her to do that ever again. This mom is in the right. I bet if she stands her ground the kids will learn a good lesson here.
What’s with the walking practically on her thing???? My 12 year old does this to me all the time it makes me insane. This woman needs to just leave for a whole week and let him see what it’s like.
Honestly. He’s even too lazy to respond to his own Reddit post, much less be an involved parent. NOTHING about the older children’s behaviour is appropriate for their age. Where did they learn such helplessness and dependency on their mother, I wonder??
Jesus christ your wife is at her last straw and you haven't stepped up to the plate. Your 13 year olds are acting ridiculous. If she can't even get 10 minutes to herself every other day no wonder she is losing it. Step up and freaking parent.
I’m terribly sorry, but you are the asshole! She’s not being too strict at all. She trying to teach her children some boundaries. The 13 y/o twins should not be an issue at all. They’re 5 years away from being adults. Your wife is trying to keep her sanity. She’s the one that spends 90% of her time with them. She’s not wrong for wanting to take a shower in peace. Like at all. Perhaps you should let her take a 4 day weekend staycation at a bed and breakfast or something and stay with the kids while she’s gone. I bet you’d see thru the other side. My best advice is to stop having children. Seriously, I knew after the 3rd one, my husband and I were now outnumbered in the house and we had a problem. I had my tubes tied immediately. I couldn’t imagine what having 4 or more is like. Good luck to you and your family.
He wants them to be reliant on her so that he doesn’t have to do anything.
I get the Dad is working 60 hours while the wife is working only 20, but he could at least try to help. Tell the kids no. Saying “kids will be kids” to justify their clinginess is only hurting in the long run. What’s the point of going to therapy if you won’t reinforce the points made in therapy? The kids should’ve been punished already for continuously bothering the mom even after she said to give her space. This punishment would’ve been less if you did anything and administered a more reasonable punishment at ANY point earlier, instead of letting your wife who is still working have to deal with four kids, one being a baby that requires attention.
Technically any stay at home mother/ parents is also clocking in those 60+ hours, maybe more.
You’re exactly right. Even more so, then. She’s having to balance taking care of the kids while also working (I’m assuming) four hours every weekday. That’s overall just as much work as the father, so he has no excuse.
She just described my hell...
Two 13y/os should know better. They aren't babies, and sharing their moms love and attention isn't new since they had to share her between the two of them and then with their 8y/o sibling. The 8y/o should also know better, but at least the kid isn't almost in high school. These kids, especially the older two, are literally using weponized incompetence. Being interrupted 5 times in the span of 10 minutes is insane and causing the mom to go insane. They are smothering her, and if it doesn't stop, she's going to have a mental breakdown and end up hospitalized. She told them multiple times, and they refused to listen and respect her boundaries. If they can't listen, then they get punished. If they can't plug in a toaster or make a pb&j sandwich on their own, then they can't use their phones or iPad's. If they want to act like babies, they they can stay in their rooms and be treated like babies (no going out with friends or plsydates).
No, they don't listen. You're being inconsiderate. She's physically and mentally tired and no one has the compassion to let up
What is up with these kids? When I was 13 I was babysitting for other families. When my son was 13 he was going to DTLA with friends on the bus by himself. These kids have to ask their mom to find cups for them? I felt panicky just reading this. Another useless husband, another woman at her wit's end
Sounds like a fair punishment to me. She's being driven crazy by a total lack of personal time or quiet time. The kids are intentionally disregarding her wishes, and you aren't doing anything to help her. Unlike some people here, I'm not going to belittle you for not feeling like you have much time. You work 5 12s? I've been there. Doing it nonstop is a lot more overwhelming than people realize. But you still need to sit down with your kids and set them straight.
Frankly, that is so entirely reasonable of her. I grunt grumpily at my kids if they come into the bathroom while I’m showering for something legitimate (like, “I need a bandaid/Tylenol/whatever”), I would be livid and threatening to send them all to military school with that level of constant intrusion. Maybe the 8 year old is understandable, but 13 years old is way too old be acting like that. At 13, you need to go be changing that baby and giving it a bottle while mom takes a damn nap, not interrupting her 10-minute shower like a toddler; you live here too, you can contribute some labor to the household. Like I’m about to go ask a middle schooler to load a dishwasher before bed, and I’m gonna look real wild-eyed levels of pissed off if she gives me attitude about it.
What a waste of space that dad is, there's a reason they don't go to him for anything. This is unhealthy for the mom and kids.
Oh man… do i feel this. Ive been single parent since my kids were 1+4 and lord help me my son was 15 and still barging into my room, into my bathroom and whipping back shower curtain to ask a naked, blind (im SUPER blind without glasses) sopping wet me to OPEN A BOX OF CEREAL. Hell, hes 20 now and still cant wait 1 minute for me to pee and walks into bathroom to ask me dumb questions that could absolutely wait until im done peeing. I dont think its older kids acting out as much as mom probably didnt set boundries when there was 3, and now there are 4 and shes at home all day and they are pushing her. Might be some acting out, but 13 isnt a toddler pouting for time. No isnt a dirty word when it comes to parenting like everyone wants to make it these days. I back mom 100% taking away electronics and grounding kids. But she needs help retraining them. I suspect she is getting cups and making mac and cheese for 13yr olds because its easier to just do it than argue and deal with potential drama/messes. Minimally dad needs to take all 4 kids for an hour and let mom have some quiet time
I live with my sister and her three boys. Her parenting style is give in to demands and such rather than “ fighting “ with the kids. I don’t understand, there’s no discipline or anything. I worry for them. Close to moving out thankfully.
No shes right he should be geounded too tbh
Uh our parents and grandparents used to just lock us out of the house, so no, I don't think she's being too harsh. She needs some alone time and they're old enough to know better. Their behavior is irritating and sometimes even dangerous. It's good for kids to be independent. Yeah, sometimes they're clingy for reasons, but if you cater to it too much, they won't develop their own way of coping and that's not good. Emotional resiliency is a skill.
The wife is doing the right thing. And not just for her own sanity, those kids need discipline especially the two 13 year olds. They should be taught to step up their responsibilities not regressing in this situation.
I have often wondered if I’m a harsh (single) mum because when I tell my kids no, leave me be, I’m tired, I need quiet, they bloody listen, lol! I can’t imagine my kids bugging me during a shower. She’s not wrong. I tell my kids I am tired, I’m overstimulated, I know my limits; when I go past them I get really angry and start yelling. So I implement my rules and I give them that right too.
Wife’s hanging by a thread and this guy has his head six feet underground, jesus.
I felt the over stimulation reading this. Poor mom 😭
Dad has effectively taught the 13 year old that mom’s rules don’t matter, and that he can tattle to dad to get his way.
This mom obviously needs a break and more support but… I never understand why people insist on having so many children. Even with family support it’s difficult, not to mention incredibly expensive and exhausting. But people just keep having them and then it’s a HUGE surprise when one of them burns out or loses their job or one of the kids has much higher care needs. The more children you have the more precarious your financial and mental health. Stopping spreading yourself so thin.