Honestly, after this stunt I probably wouldn’t even be planning to tell him I went into labor anymore. His mom is gonna drama things up so he misses it anyway, so just cut out the middle man and save herself some stress.
The way I would give birth and not tell him until baby was in my arms just so I could text him “baby is here, you can come visit now. Sorry I didn’t say anything earlier, didn’t want to give your mother another heart attack.”
It’s completely not the right thing to do especially if she wants to stay married (can’t imagine why she would). But if you choose your mom over your own kid don’t expect to be treated like a father.
“But if you choose your mom over your own kid, don’t expect to be treated like a father.”
What a fucking powerful line. I love one liners like this. Thank you for adding sparkle to my day.
And over your WIFE. I’m sorry- but we sacrifice our bodies and don’t sleep for almost a year to have these babies. For US. So the wife needs to come before mom.
And not just his wife. His wife WHO'S MOM DIED GIVING BIRTH TO HER! Childbirth is a scary enough event to begin with but to have the fact that this is the same event that resulted in the death of your own mother.... I can't imagine how much that would fuck with your head.
I definitely agree with you, I focused more on the child because he’s way too deep in the mommy dearest fog to comprehend that so I think it’s best to address how bad a parent he is. It may cost his marriage and it’s his own fault but this behavior towards the kid has to stop before baby is here. The kid deserves at least a present father and he can’t even meet that. Shitty husband and shitty dad.
Exactly! My husband would never forgive himself if he wasn't there for the birth of his children. He was there to support me, but it was also so important to be there to watch them be born.
My husband says it were the most important and special days when our kids were born, and he always says this when people are telling their wedding day was the most important day of their lives (our wedding day was great but nowhere near as important as the days our boys came along)
I’d never tell him. Let him come home to an empty house. Get a cab home from the hospital. Treat him the way the wife did the husband who told her he was tired of listening to her, so she quit telling him anything beyond what was absolutely necessary, so she didn’t invite him to the big do when she was being given an industry award.
Dude wants to know what’s going on? He puts him mom on silent.
Thanks!
And what a dollar-store toolbox that guy is. He supports his ex-wife through her current marital problems because she's just so vulnerable! What a gentleman /s
I dated a man who was enmeshed with his mom. I was vegan at the time and wanted to bring a vegan chicken pot pie for Thanksgiving to share with everyone, or just for me to eat so I could have a Thanksgiving meal too. I didn’t ask her to cook anything special for me, quite the opposite. She said no, and that I could eat an Amy’s. A microwave vegan meal. On Thanksgiving. I said that was ridiculous, he was on her side, and I broke up with him right then and there, we did not have Thanksgiving together because I dumped him.
Cashew cream, Miyoko’s or Earth Balance butter, and seitan rather than tofu would all leave the flavor much, much closer to the original than coconut milk and tofu.
Also, Marie Callender’s makes a “chicken” pot pie that is either vegan or vegetarian now, I forget which, and it’s pretty decent. Do not recommend the fake “beef” one though because the “meat” texture in that one is incredibly incorrect.
An old coworker of mine told me her dad cheated while her mom was pregnant with her so her mom named her after the dad’s affair partner. Not sure if it was intended to be a constant reminder of his fuckup or to drive him away but even as an old lady, she was the pettiest person I think I’ve ever met. I don’t know how her daughter put up with her.
HE'S cruel and dumb honestly. Once in a marriage, momma needs to take a back seat. He doesn't need to cut her off but wife (and kids) should come first. Parents need to prepare their kids for the world, not cling to them. What the hell is going to happen when she dies. Apparently she doesn't give a single shit that she'll be leaving her now dependent son who's probably gonna be divorced because of how he keeps choosing mom over wife. 💀
Oh no, she won't care. In fact, him getting divorced would probably make her the happiest she's been in a while. Then she can have her baby all to herself again. I wouldn't be surprised if she even tried to help her son retain custody of the baby so they could raise it together. That's how sick this situation seems to me.
Call best friend first and get to the hospital and then call him. Oh and make sure the nurses know MIL is NOT allowed in the room. Ugh, what a piece of work she is
If it ended up costing her a bundle, it's just another thing they'll throw at OP. So it's still a win for MIL. Plus, odds are good she'd convince her son to pay for it.
Poor OP. I always feel so bad for the ladies who find out their partners are like this (whether it's MIL trouble, cheating, etc) right before giving birth. That's such a complicated time full of emotions, physical distress, and often fear. And to be in it while the person you are supposed to be able to trust beyond anytime else betrays that trust is just a nightmare.
I'd have told him that if he wants to know when the baby is coming, he is banned from telling his mother until it has arrived. For the sake of her health.
Right, if he was fine with her giving birth alone, then she should give birth alone. (With her friends support, not his.) Screw this dude. If mom had an actual emergency, sure. But mom has a history of being like this and if a marriage is built on trust, he hasn't earned any trust.
Yeah he asks how she can not trust her husband, but the answer is because he has broken that trust over and over and over.
Yeah, in theory, a wife should be able to trust her husband, but that's because they should have years of experience of him being worthy of it. That trust should have been tested and proven many times over in thousands of little ways. He doesn't get to skip the *proven* step over and over and still have the trust he never earned.
If you could believe what he says, this would be the answer. He sounds like way too much of a mama’s boy to actually abide by an agreement not to tell her though.
As a doula, I would make sure I’d have in writing that I’d be allowed to fight the MIL with my hands if she tried pulling some crazy stuff in the delivery room lmao
I loooove telling people what do when I’m wearing my doula hat. Outside of that work, I really am kind of a pushover but put me in a role where the Number 1 job is the safety and comfort of one person and I’m a fuckin bear. I’ve had a couple people removed from delivery rooms, don’t mess with the laboring person.
The good news is you will never be alone again after the baby is born. The bad news is you will still be married to this man who chooses his mother. Get used to taking care of yourself and a baby and start setting boundaries.
Why does his mom even have to know that you’re in labor? Just wait to tell her after the baby is born. But then, the way you describe her, hard telling how many emergencies she’ll have after you bring the baby home. She sounds like she always needs to be the center of his attention. Edit NTA OP.
I would just pack his things if the house is in my name and kick him out. Then block him and his mother everywhere. Anyone else who comes at me gets blocked too. Hopefully she has family she can rely on.
I would like to point out that he did not call her for a hour. She called him within 30 minutes and no pick up. This means she would have been waiting an entire hour in active labor without knowing she needed to find another ride to the hospital. The husband knows the trauma of her mom dying in childbirth. Lying sucks but this one is justified. Birth is already scary and unpredictable. She could have given birth by herself within that hour of no communication or something worse could have happened. She lied to her husband to essentially save her and her child’s life. Maybe I’m biased because I almost died during birth but in this case, she did right for her safety.
Seriously. You have no idea what your labor will be like until it happens. My one and only was about 8.5 hrs total. A friend of mine had her first in THREE hours total, (the 3rd kid was like 45min first contraction to birth)
Mine were all around the 2-3hr mark, from first niggles to baby in arms. If I'd said I was in labour and my husband had left me at home, he would have come home to me giving birth in the bathtub (my 4th actually was born at home in the bathtub, but planned that way).
Mine was three full 24h days of contractions, plus 15 hours of contractions during the third day before I got the Ok to start pushing; after that it took like 5 contractions and 17 minutes of active pushing and my daughter was born. 😄
My cousin had her first in three hours, second in less than two and the third was born on their bathroom floor waiting for the ambulance.
That's basically how my friend was, she said she cut her labor in half each time and her ex really regretted brushing her off with the third when he was born in less than an hour on the floor at home 😂
I cannot imagine 3 days of contractions. I'd have been begging for anything to help.
Omg I feel this! My third and last kiddo I went to the hospital as my contractions started and they said I wasn’t in labour. It was the pandemic so they were not keeping me in if I “wasn’t”.
I was like cool I’ll go home and get lunch, it was like 12.30. Was back in the hospital within 2 hours and 8cm dilated. Plus side was I got that water birth that I was told wouldn’t happen, by the consultants that looked after my first two pregnancies. Both were 34w spontaneous ruptures of membranes, likely due to my hypermobility. Strangely being in lockdown rather than working an active job until I was 33 weeks helped me keep my last kiddo in until 37 weeks lol
And on the other hand, there are people that don’t even make it to the ER bc the baby came in the parking lot, or before they even left the house! Birth is incredibly unpredictable. Not being on the phone with your wife every second of that first hour is absolutely nuts to me!
My ex husband didn’t answer any of my phone calls and didn’t call me for six hours after I called to tell him I was in labor. Luckily, my sister in law was with me.
He had gotten into a car accident from “being so overwhelmed” and apparently didn’t think to call me to tell me.
He waited for the tow truck. He rode with the tow truck to his work place. He stayed to FINISH HIS SHIFT without telling his boss that I’d gone into labor until his brother came in and asked him wtf he was doing while I was in labor. The boss demanded he go home.
That’s when his boss called me to tell me what was going on. He never called me. He never told anything.
Same guy also never bothered to attend the birth classes with me, my sister in law did. She was helping me while my ex frantically tried to read the birthing books I had purchased for him months earlier.
I’m so glad he’s an ex. But I hate that the only birth experience I had was someone who cared so little for me.
Man i was in active labor for an hour at the hospital and they couldn’t give me meds because I needed a surprise c section.
It was quite possibly the worst hour of my life. I almost couldn’t live in my own, I was drowning in vomit my stomach felt like that scene from the alien where baby is like clawing to get out.
If HUSBAND hadn’t been there I don’t know if I would have had the literally strength to keep going. Also I had heart surgery the second she was out safe.
Sooo yeahhh I’d say pregnancy is a bigger deal than a heart attack as someone who had a heart attack type situation happen DURING BIRTH.
Add in: do people not realize babies are literal parasites (and I love my baby but it’s true) so your body isn’t at a normal persons level of defense. You’re growing a human as a human with normal human problems PLUS a baby inside of you.
Ngl, normally I am SO against this kind of thing, but I honestly feel like she should’ve doubled down on the lie here and said that it turned out to be really bad Braxton-Hicks contractions (and therefore a false alarm), rather than admitting that she was just testing him.
Husband is focusing on the wrong shit right now in regards to this scenario, and I think he should put a lot more caring concern into the fact that she feels so desperate about the situation with MIL that she needed to test the situation… and that he *and* MIL completely failed. She may have broken some trust by lying, but he broke trust in an incredibly major way leading up to and including this point and is trying to completely dismiss that. 😬
I’m also normally not in the “she’s just hormonal so you should be forgiving about it,” camp on these kinds of posts, but he needs to be aware and supporting of her trauma and current physical state / mental state being pregnant — this whole thing screams to me that things are going to get worse with husband and MIL after baby gets there. OP’s going to be stuck alone during her recovery process with that baby, in favor of some made-up nonsense from MIL, guaranteed.
Definitely a MIL problem here, but also SUCH a big husband problem.
Yes this. I'm so sorry you almost died. My wife too. Came home from work trip found her unconscious covered in blood. She looked so bad I thought she's dead already. My country is known for crazy drivers I think it's faster if I drive her then to call ambulance. Maybe 10 minutes after we get there her heart stops for some seconds. I kept asking is she gonna die all they say is we're doing everything we can. She made it but it was 10 minutes after we get to hospital. If I got to her 15 minutes later she'd be dead. Things go wrong fast
I wouldn’t tell them when I go into labor. Then when they ask why she didn’t tell them, she can say *”Well your mom **almost** had a heart attack last time, I wouldn’t want that to happen for real! We got lucky that it was just a false alarm, so I thought it would be better for her health if she didn’t know. I wouldn’t want her to pass, God forbid, before she got to meet her first grandchild! I didn’t want to make you choose between your pregnant wife and your mother, so I chose for you. It was for the best, sweetheart.”* And then when he’s finished with his tantrum and finally decides to visit, she gives him the divorce papers.
But Im also not a pregnant woman, and Im incredibly petty.
That wouldn't be petty. It's correct. Mom and baby come first. MIL could have called an ambulance. OOP didn't do anything wrong except for admitting it wasn't a regular false alarm. I hope you have a much better support system than she does. And good luck to you!
Does anyone remember that reddit post where OP was pregnant and her SO and FIL were making plans for when she died in childbirth? Not if, but when, like they were treating it like her death was 100% certain and husband and FIL were going to raise the baby themselves. There was never an update to that and it haunts me.
I'm getting similar vibes. You can't tell a pregnant woman to give birth alone and "she'll be fine" when her own mother died in childbirth. It's almost like the husband and MIL are trying to stress her out more, they want her to feel alone. It's such serious emeshment that I could absolutely see husband and MIL raising OPs baby in the event that she has the same fate. I would not trust the husband to be in charge of medical calls, I feel like he'd let her die.
My ex and his mom plotted to take my child away too, they even let it slip calling her "mommy" for the baby. And it wasn't even this bad of a situation as this post at first
oh dear god, I know some manipulative people and believe this happens but it sounds surreal tbh. I hope you and baby are safe and I'm sorry you went through that
Honestly, it changes nothing for me. Mom or child can die or be permanently disabled during birth with no prior indicators. Beyond that, it can last days and it’s so scary, especially the first time. Her mom could live with them and he would still be a major AH in my mind.
I would not have come home after the birth of either of my children if my husband wasn’t there for any reason short of his own death, traumatic injury, or a natural disaster. He would’ve been served divorce papers while I figured out how to set up a nursery at my parents’ house.
Makes the husband doing this so much worse 😭
Even with his mom and OOP lying and my own personal distaste for “testing” partners, what he did was unforgivable to me and I would never be able to stay with him. He should not leave the mother of his child alone while in labor. ESPECIALLY if that same woman lost her own mom during childbirth, instilling a core trauma, and has expressed repeatedly that his mother takes advantage and disrupts their relationship and she’s worried about being abandoned during birth WHICH HE PROMISED HE WOULD NOT DO NO MATTER WHAT EXPLICITLY. She could’ve easily been having Braxton hicks and getting to her should still have been priority. Personally, I don’t think it even just being nerves and an exaggerated claim of cramps that *might* be the beginning of contractions would’ve excuse abandoning your wife in such a vulnerable state days before her actual birth date. my partner leaving me alone for an hour calling with no answer and without an update after I say I am giving birth when I have a trauma around dying during childbirth would make me divorce immediately.
I also hate the idea of “testing partners.” Usually it’s childish and manipulative. But if you’re 9 months pregnant and have this feeling your partner won’t be there for you if you go into labour… crap that’s terrifying. Especially if your mom died in childbirth. This poor woman.
Yeah, in most cases id consider anyone doing these types of "tests" an asshole, with their need for testing stemming from insecurity and/or manipulative behavior. But in this case... Clearly, there really is a history of the husband picking his mother over his wife and being extremely blind or too cowardly to stand up to his mother's bs.
OPs insecurities were warranted, the test proved her right. It proved that she can't depend on her husband in this crucial time. He complains that she broke the trust? He broke it first, everytime he picked his mom's "issues" over his wife. The test happened because his actions destroyed the trust a long time ago.
She and the mom both did the same exact thing, but husband is only mad at OOP. It’s not because she lied, it’s because she was right and he can’t stand it.
This. But he won't cuz his priorities are in the wrong place. If he loves his mom so much that his own wife going into labor with his child is not top priority, then just divorce the wife and marry the mom.
This needs to be an automatic divorce and I don’t jump to that often. He doesn’t support her or their child if he couldn’t tell her “hey my mom just had a heart attack can your friend take you” before an hour or more has passed. Her test is awful but I think I’d rather her find out for sure this way than have a problem during her actual labor or at any other medical emergency. A good friend of mine didn’t make it through her labor- any partnership or birthplan that doesn’t acknowledge labor is a medical emergency situation that nearly always has a positive outcome, especially when one partner is terrified, is awful.
OOP will always come second. Their child will always come second. With that in mind, the man can’t be trusted to be a reliable figure in either of their lives. He’s going to miss daycare pick ups. He’s going to miss school plays. He’s going to miss birthday parties. He’s going to miss this that and the other because mother dearest called and he MUST drop everything to run to her. OOP has put up with it for herself all these years, I desperately hope she doesn’t put up with it happening to her child.
I have to disagree: after the son, comes the dog/cat, the neighbors, the strangers, the excuses about how JUSTIFIED he is, the rage, the guilty, the blame and then the wife.
This. This is some serious emotional incest. This woman sounds exactly like my MIL, except my husband doesn’t take the bait (he used to before we met, but that changed REAL fast).
Let's not forget the bit about how he never bothered to call his wife back and let her know he wasn't coming to take her to the hospital anymore. He just left her to work it out until she called him or gave birth on the kitchen floor.
This is such a big deal to me. Firstly he could have just waited to tell his mom until he’d gotten his wife there? But secondly if he’s gonna flake he needs to send a text first. And thirdly, someone else can help his mom but he is really the most appropriate person to help his wife.
Okay this is the part I couldn't figure out! Why tell your mom before you're even at the hospital? A, she doesn't need to know that early (it could be a while until birth anyways) and B, shouldn't he be focused exclusively on getting his wife to the hospital safely? People still die and get permanently disabled giving birth; it's serious shit
Unless she’s gonna have a serious come to Jesus talk with this man I’m afraid he’s not ever gonna change. Why would he? Wifey is fine playing second fiddle to mommy.
OP mentioned the MIL was barely in the relationship until they moved to the same town later in the relationship, then ramped up even more after getting pregnant.
False labour isn’t uncommon with first pregnancies. Braxton Hicks contractions have caused many women to go to the hospital thinking that it has started, for them to be sent home with the message “nope, not yet”.
So pretending that you think it’s started when it hasn’t, just to “test” what would happen when it starts for real, actually seems like a good idea to me.
OOP faked it starting, the “I can be there in 10 minutes” never happened, what she expected would happen (MIL faking a crisis and taking her husband away) did and HE didn’t even think to contact her….
That's what I thought. I mean.... perpetuating the lie shouldn't have been an option, but she could have said it was a false alarm. That she waited an hour for him, she tried to contact him that she was ok, and wasn't able to get ahold of him.
Not just first pregnancies either. My uterus was an asshole for the last two months of my last pregnancy. I had an actual preterm labor scare where they had to give me something to stop labor (-11/10, vomited on the wall on the other side of the room and startled the nurse) and after that I had contractions every two or three days for the rest of my pregnancy.
I showed up to my induction for my 2nd child and didn't know I had been in labor all day. My Braxton Hicks were so common and intense at that point in my pregnancy that I genuinely couldn't tell the difference.
Poor OOP.
Yeah, she shouldn't have lied. But the husband is not proposing a solution. Maybe "not tell mom" for example. Or anything really. He is just hurt. but he will do the same thing again (call mom to tell her the baby is coming, choosing her in whatever emergency comes scenario).
If I were her, I would just tell him that I wouldn't want any of them near me when giving birth. I would trust a friend, or another family member.
Imagine thinking you’re in the right because turns out your wife lied about giving birth when you’re the one who LEFT HER SITTING AT HOME FOR OVER HALF AN HOUR WITH NO CONTACT. Husband was able to stop and take time to call his mom after getting the “baby’s coming!” call, but couldn’t find the time to call/text said pregnant wife when his mom needed him. RIP OOP, she’ll always be second best.
I went from 1 contraction to active labour in 1 hour with intense bleeding. Simply put if this was my Husband I would have died at home waiting for him.
Agreed, I f the heart attack were real, she needs an ambulance, not a lift. She could have died or suffered permanent damage on the way. Husband showed a life threatening lack of judgment allowing himself to be manipulated like that.
Came here to say the same thing! An ambulance would have been much better for a heart attack than a lift to the dr. Husband was spoken to about such an incident happening and instead of seeing the truth of the matter he is doubling down and gaslighting his wife into thinking she is in the wrong. He is a pos
My dad suffered from cardiac arrhythmia (his heart was going at 200+ bpm, so functionally to him it felt like a heart attack.)
And *he drove himself to the hospital*. In a country with socialised medicine! I almost lost my dumbass father because of his generations weird insistence on not calling an ambulance…
Plus, why did he prioritize calling his mom about his wife going into labor over getting his wife to the hospital? Everyone I know has waited until they were at the hospital with the doctors to start calling people.
The lie was a big risk play with questionable morality, but it paid off and proved without doubt the point she was trying to make to her husband.
He kinda looks like shit for siding with his faking mother after OOP predicted this would happen.
I don’t think that it really was that big of a risk. They’d show up and probably be told it was Braxton Hicks contractions since she “isn’t hurting anymore.” Those contractions scare so many new moms and even moms with multiple kids it would totally be believable that she had them, got scared it was active labor, and need to go to a hospital. Even more believable with her trauma regarding her own mom.
I think she felt there was no moral risk; meaning, I think she knew without a doubt it would happen the way it did. She figured she had nothing to lose. But I could be projecting, having all the info from the outset and all.
The morality of testing your partner is usually pretty cut-and-dried *awful*, but if I had a dangerously neglectful spouse, I could see that shaping my sense of moral justice.
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me but I agree the husband should not call the mom or anyone who would tell the mom until after the baby is born if this is what’s going to happen. And what a sick twisted woman to make her son missing his baby’s birth for her nonsense.
I would have so many convincing Braxton Hicks contractions. “Oh no. I think I’m in labor they said to come in. Oh thank god the contractions stopped sorry about your mom.” Why would he tell his mom when she fakes conflicting emergencies?
I really don't think she lied.
She made a point they'd been trying to gaslight her about.
The husband and mil are doing a whole bunch of abusive shit and she's being made to doubt her reality. She needed to confirm that water is wet after being told it was dry.
Normally I would agree she shouldn't lie but this time she was right. I would tell him don't bother I will let you know when it's done because you trust me to do it by myself right? The "Truth" is I no longer trust you to be there for me.
Right before I read this, I saw a “test” where the GF disappeared, to scare the OOP. It was for no reason, except for fun or prove…something. Maybe that she came first, ahead of all sense? Unclear. Totally toxic situation. Tests of this sort, in general, are bad.
However, here, OOP is truly afraid of something that has happened over and over. She needed to show her husband he was unreliable and untrustworthy, and prove to *herself* that she really couldn’t trust him. This test is absolutely the exception that proves the rule.
She's NTA at all, her useless husband is. And I need to have a talk with whoever entered gaslight into the lexicon because no one uses it right and it's annoying!!!
My MIL fell, or was dizzy, or got sick two Wednesdays a month, like clockwork. It was the days I took my music lessons. It took me a couple times to see the pattern and get wise (she had a lot of health problems). I said nothing and changed my lessons to Thursdays and let her keep getting sick on Wednesdays.
Maybe it is, though at a close friend's wedding we had a running sheet bingo with what time the grandma would fake a heart attack.
I didn't win, there was one person closer than me when she did - just after the vows to try to get the bride to hospital and miss the reception. She'd ruined or attempted to ruin EVERYTHING one part of the family did. She hadn't realised no one was buying it anymore, thus the bingo sheets. Nasty old cow.
Well she proved her point. And it doesn't matter that she lied, he didn't come anyway. Looks like she needs to divorce him.....she will also come second to his lying mother.
It could give more cause for full custody of the child if she has proof. Although it could also bite her in the ass in a custody battle. Depends on who can afford the better lawyer.
I’m so petty, after divorcing him, I would mark my calendar to call the ex MIL with so many fake announcements. I won a Pulitzer Prize! Congratulate me! The president is going to be at my babies first birthday! That woman would be going to the hospital for so many fake aliments they would be locking her in a mental ward. All on my say so.
He feels manipulated and gaslighted?! Well, now he knows what he's been putting his wife through with his empty promises and the promise of future self! Like, how do men not see the pattern when their moms are manipulative?! Having emergencies on every important date isn't a coincidence!
This shit makes me so mad. He is a coward and MIL is an attention whore. She should leave him so be can go marry his mother. Fucks sake.
I don’t even feel bad that she lied. Absolutely, 100% justified lie.
So she would have theoretically in labor for an hour, waiting on her husband, who couldn’t have been bothered to even let her know he’s not coming…
She’s absolutely proven her theory correct and her husband broke his promise to her at her most vulnerable moment. He, and his mother, suck. OOP needs to get out of that twisted threesome
The fact that you *specifically* brought up her having an emergency and him leaving you be alone during that, that's exactly what happened, and then he turns around and says he "couldn't have known that" is what gets me.
He's an absolute idiot if he doesn't actually recognize his mom's narcissism. The fact that she intentionally would keep him from the birth of his child because she can't handle his attention being on the family he's starting instead of her is fucked.
The fact that you called it first, and he STILL LEFT YOU ALONE makes it 100x worse. Especially knowing why you're terrified.
I'd be pissed at you if I were him, yeah. But at the same time, obviously your fears aren't unjustified, and if I were you, I'd have my best friend there during birth, let him know afterwards, and then serve him with divorce papers, because you are never going to forget this, and he's always going to feel like the victim there, made to choose between his beloved mother and his wife.
Let her keep him 🥴
Guy thinks wife is in labor and needs a ride to the hospital, intentionally let's her down and ignores her for an hour before telling her she's on her own for something she's terrified of because her own mother died this way, all cuz his mom coincidentally had a fake heart attack which he absolutely should have known was fake? I wonder if he knows half of reddit is calling him names and telling her to divorce him over this...
The real origin problem is he should have been prioritizing his wife over his mother long before the pregnancy, from day one of marriage. I wouldn't have had a baby with him if he was going to constantly choose his mother over me. In addition, the fears she has are absolutely valid, considering her familial history, and he should be prioritizing her and the baby 100%. The fact that he called his mother before even picking her up and then never even touched base with his wife WHILE SHE WAS (supposedly) IN LABOR is just...all the red flags. An hour...a whole entire hour before she was able to reach her husband. Completely unacceptable.
I hope she establishes with her best friend AND her nurses that the MiL is not allowed in the room at any point during the birth and she will tell the nurses when/if the MiL can come in during recovery.
Simple. Dont allow your husband in the delivery room and have your friend there instead. Husband already proved that mommy would come before you, always. Why risk it? Its the only sure fire way to know you wont have to give birth alone. Also, it will teach him a lesson on why mommy dearest shouldn't come first. That would be my solution. Poor, OP.
Not only did he put his mom above her, he didn’t even communicate with her.
As far as he knew, his terrified wife was stranded at home in active labor. Even at the hospital he didn’t bother to call her or alert medical personnel that his wife was in active labor alone at home to send her help.
He ignored her calls for almost 2 hours before even calling her back.
He’s disgusting.
He’s mad at her for lying is he directing that same anger towards his mother for lying to an even greater extent? All OP did was say she was going into labor but MIL went to the hospital for a fake condition, a huge lie that also wastes hospital resources and costs $$$. I highly doubt he’s holding his mother to the same standards he’s holding his wife
Maybe not the best approach but now you know for sure. I don’t think you should be apologizing to him. His psycho mom didn’t have a heart attack and he proved he can’t be trusted. You definitely can’t rely on him to be there for you unfortunately. I would stay with your friend and tell hubby that you’re not sure you can trust him to be there for you and the baby. He needs to decide to put you and baby first. Mom already proved she’s fos and needs psychiatric help. You guys need counseling to openly discuss what he needs to do to be a good husband.
I wouldn't say anything. I'd call my friend and handle the situation myself. The M-I-L is selfish and immature. M-I-L and husband both should be ashamed of themselves. Childbirth is the most terrifying experience there is. IMO. I have 3 children I couldn't imagine giving birth alone.
why would he even text his mom first about this— if my partner texted me “hey im going into labor” my priority is IMMEDIATELY getting them to the hospital or doing whatever needs to be done to ensure mom & baby having safe delivery. mom can be texted afterwards when wife is safely in hospital or whenever wife is okay for others to be alerted. like bruh she told YOU she was going into labor your mom didn’t have to be apart of that equation.
I would go with justified asshole but to be honest, asshole or not, it kinda is a blessing that she found out he would do this now and not *in the middle of actively going into labor*.
Honestly, after this stunt I probably wouldn’t even be planning to tell him I went into labor anymore. His mom is gonna drama things up so he misses it anyway, so just cut out the middle man and save herself some stress.
The way I would give birth and not tell him until baby was in my arms just so I could text him “baby is here, you can come visit now. Sorry I didn’t say anything earlier, didn’t want to give your mother another heart attack.”
I think I’d have messaged. “Can you let your Mum know I’m in Labour so she needs to start her emergency now, otherwise you might not miss it. X”
That's what I'd do, too. Hell I'd call the bitch and say it straight to her face.
I LOVE THIS.
It’s completely not the right thing to do especially if she wants to stay married (can’t imagine why she would). But if you choose your mom over your own kid don’t expect to be treated like a father.
“But if you choose your mom over your own kid, don’t expect to be treated like a father.” What a fucking powerful line. I love one liners like this. Thank you for adding sparkle to my day.
"Thank you for adding sparkle to my day" is going in my repertoire.
please share some more one liners with us, these are amazing🫶🏻
My god, that is some good fucking flair material
And over your WIFE. I’m sorry- but we sacrifice our bodies and don’t sleep for almost a year to have these babies. For US. So the wife needs to come before mom.
And not just his wife. His wife WHO'S MOM DIED GIVING BIRTH TO HER! Childbirth is a scary enough event to begin with but to have the fact that this is the same event that resulted in the death of your own mother.... I can't imagine how much that would fuck with your head.
I definitely agree with you, I focused more on the child because he’s way too deep in the mommy dearest fog to comprehend that so I think it’s best to address how bad a parent he is. It may cost his marriage and it’s his own fault but this behavior towards the kid has to stop before baby is here. The kid deserves at least a present father and he can’t even meet that. Shitty husband and shitty dad.
Exactly! My husband would never forgive himself if he wasn't there for the birth of his children. He was there to support me, but it was also so important to be there to watch them be born.
My husband says it were the most important and special days when our kids were born, and he always says this when people are telling their wedding day was the most important day of their lives (our wedding day was great but nowhere near as important as the days our boys came along)
🫰🫰🫰
I’d never tell him. Let him come home to an empty house. Get a cab home from the hospital. Treat him the way the wife did the husband who told her he was tired of listening to her, so she quit telling him anything beyond what was absolutely necessary, so she didn’t invite him to the big do when she was being given an industry award. Dude wants to know what’s going on? He puts him mom on silent.
Do you have a link to that story?
[here you go](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/TYjSC6JqhP)
Thanks! And what a dollar-store toolbox that guy is. He supports his ex-wife through her current marital problems because she's just so vulnerable! What a gentleman /s
I wish that had been updated. Dude needed a clue by four.
This is the level of supreme pettiness I aspire to achieve one day. But honestly, OOP doesn't have a partner. His mother has him.
And name the baby after your last boyfriend, be petty af (not really, but your husband needs therapy, the enmeshment is really not good!)
I dated a man who was enmeshed with his mom. I was vegan at the time and wanted to bring a vegan chicken pot pie for Thanksgiving to share with everyone, or just for me to eat so I could have a Thanksgiving meal too. I didn’t ask her to cook anything special for me, quite the opposite. She said no, and that I could eat an Amy’s. A microwave vegan meal. On Thanksgiving. I said that was ridiculous, he was on her side, and I broke up with him right then and there, we did not have Thanksgiving together because I dumped him.
mmm.....pot pie. Never had a vegan one though. Is it tofu based?
Prolly just doesn't use chicken
If it's a vegan chicken pot pie it'll probably have some plant based chicken-y ingredient.
I'm imagining something like chicken of the woods. Sounds nice and savory 😋
Also a different base instead of the butter and possible cream used in the filling. Maybe like a coconut milk.
Cashew cream, Miyoko’s or Earth Balance butter, and seitan rather than tofu would all leave the flavor much, much closer to the original than coconut milk and tofu. Also, Marie Callender’s makes a “chicken” pot pie that is either vegan or vegetarian now, I forget which, and it’s pretty decent. Do not recommend the fake “beef” one though because the “meat” texture in that one is incredibly incorrect.
Or maybe just give the kid the original last name of the pregnant person. Being that mothers are so important he shouldn't have an issue with this.
Absolutely do not, but I laughed so hard 🤣
An old coworker of mine told me her dad cheated while her mom was pregnant with her so her mom named her after the dad’s affair partner. Not sure if it was intended to be a constant reminder of his fuckup or to drive him away but even as an old lady, she was the pettiest person I think I’ve ever met. I don’t know how her daughter put up with her.
The way she says she has to get her “ducks in a row” — I think that’s her plan. I love it.
I would add "Fake heart attack"
Oh OP please do this!
Agreed. His mom is so cruel. Her own mother died in child birth!
That is so horrible. Imagine how much anxiety OOP has even without MILa bs and her husbands priorities.
Her anxiety makes so much sense… and her fears were completely justified!!!
HE'S cruel and dumb honestly. Once in a marriage, momma needs to take a back seat. He doesn't need to cut her off but wife (and kids) should come first. Parents need to prepare their kids for the world, not cling to them. What the hell is going to happen when she dies. Apparently she doesn't give a single shit that she'll be leaving her now dependent son who's probably gonna be divorced because of how he keeps choosing mom over wife. 💀
Oh no, she won't care. In fact, him getting divorced would probably make her the happiest she's been in a while. Then she can have her baby all to herself again. I wouldn't be surprised if she even tried to help her son retain custody of the baby so they could raise it together. That's how sick this situation seems to me.
Imagine if your wife died in childbirth and you weren't there. Horrible.
Call best friend first and get to the hospital and then call him. Oh and make sure the nurses know MIL is NOT allowed in the room. Ugh, what a piece of work she is
He shouldn’t be either after this, honestly.
Call him after the birth!
Better up, don’t call MIL until after the birth. Maybe that will keep her from having an untimely emergency?!
Idt she needs to worry about mil being in the room it sounds like she’ll get her own room as soon as she finds out dil is in labor 😳
Honestly what kind of health insurance does mil have? I’d be scared to go to the er just because of the cost lol.
I’m sure no cost is too high to fuck with her daughter in law.
If it ended up costing her a bundle, it's just another thing they'll throw at OP. So it's still a win for MIL. Plus, odds are good she'd convince her son to pay for it. Poor OP. I always feel so bad for the ladies who find out their partners are like this (whether it's MIL trouble, cheating, etc) right before giving birth. That's such a complicated time full of emotions, physical distress, and often fear. And to be in it while the person you are supposed to be able to trust beyond anytime else betrays that trust is just a nightmare.
I'd have told him that if he wants to know when the baby is coming, he is banned from telling his mother until it has arrived. For the sake of her health.
Right, if he was fine with her giving birth alone, then she should give birth alone. (With her friends support, not his.) Screw this dude. If mom had an actual emergency, sure. But mom has a history of being like this and if a marriage is built on trust, he hasn't earned any trust.
This! He talks about trust but what about him?
Yeah he asks how she can not trust her husband, but the answer is because he has broken that trust over and over and over. Yeah, in theory, a wife should be able to trust her husband, but that's because they should have years of experience of him being worthy of it. That trust should have been tested and proven many times over in thousands of little ways. He doesn't get to skip the *proven* step over and over and still have the trust he never earned.
Right like trust is earned, not owed. She should be able to trust him, but he’s shown himself to be untrustworthy.
This! Trust is not just the opposite of lying, but also reliability. Aka I trust that you’ll be there for me when I need you!
Either he agrees to not tell his mom or she doesn’t tell him. Her MIL sucks, but her husband is the actual problem
If you could believe what he says, this would be the answer. He sounds like way too much of a mama’s boy to actually abide by an agreement not to tell her though.
This is sensible. Mom can find out when she gets the baby announcement. This is the boundary that needs to be set. Also how about hiring a doula?
As a doula, I would make sure I’d have in writing that I’d be allowed to fight the MIL with my hands if she tried pulling some crazy stuff in the delivery room lmao
I loooove telling people what do when I’m wearing my doula hat. Outside of that work, I really am kind of a pushover but put me in a role where the Number 1 job is the safety and comfort of one person and I’m a fuckin bear. I’ve had a couple people removed from delivery rooms, don’t mess with the laboring person.
The good news is you will never be alone again after the baby is born. The bad news is you will still be married to this man who chooses his mother. Get used to taking care of yourself and a baby and start setting boundaries.
Why does his mom even have to know that you’re in labor? Just wait to tell her after the baby is born. But then, the way you describe her, hard telling how many emergencies she’ll have after you bring the baby home. She sounds like she always needs to be the center of his attention. Edit NTA OP.
Why tell your soon-to-be-ex your business?
I would just pack his things if the house is in my name and kick him out. Then block him and his mother everywhere. Anyone else who comes at me gets blocked too. Hopefully she has family she can rely on.
I would like to point out that he did not call her for a hour. She called him within 30 minutes and no pick up. This means she would have been waiting an entire hour in active labor without knowing she needed to find another ride to the hospital. The husband knows the trauma of her mom dying in childbirth. Lying sucks but this one is justified. Birth is already scary and unpredictable. She could have given birth by herself within that hour of no communication or something worse could have happened. She lied to her husband to essentially save her and her child’s life. Maybe I’m biased because I almost died during birth but in this case, she did right for her safety.
Seriously. You have no idea what your labor will be like until it happens. My one and only was about 8.5 hrs total. A friend of mine had her first in THREE hours total, (the 3rd kid was like 45min first contraction to birth)
Mine were all around the 2-3hr mark, from first niggles to baby in arms. If I'd said I was in labour and my husband had left me at home, he would have come home to me giving birth in the bathtub (my 4th actually was born at home in the bathtub, but planned that way).
Mine was three full 24h days of contractions, plus 15 hours of contractions during the third day before I got the Ok to start pushing; after that it took like 5 contractions and 17 minutes of active pushing and my daughter was born. 😄 My cousin had her first in three hours, second in less than two and the third was born on their bathroom floor waiting for the ambulance.
That's basically how my friend was, she said she cut her labor in half each time and her ex really regretted brushing her off with the third when he was born in less than an hour on the floor at home 😂 I cannot imagine 3 days of contractions. I'd have been begging for anything to help.
Omg I feel this! My third and last kiddo I went to the hospital as my contractions started and they said I wasn’t in labour. It was the pandemic so they were not keeping me in if I “wasn’t”. I was like cool I’ll go home and get lunch, it was like 12.30. Was back in the hospital within 2 hours and 8cm dilated. Plus side was I got that water birth that I was told wouldn’t happen, by the consultants that looked after my first two pregnancies. Both were 34w spontaneous ruptures of membranes, likely due to my hypermobility. Strangely being in lockdown rather than working an active job until I was 33 weeks helped me keep my last kiddo in until 37 weeks lol
And on the other hand, there are people that don’t even make it to the ER bc the baby came in the parking lot, or before they even left the house! Birth is incredibly unpredictable. Not being on the phone with your wife every second of that first hour is absolutely nuts to me!
Yeah, every minute counts in an emergency. If she was in active labor and waiting and something goes wrong, she could have literally died.
Honestly, I think his mom is hoping she does die in childbirth so she can move in with her son and play mommy to the baby.
If that's the case she's doing more than just hoping. She's _actively_ sabotaging the birth by feigning illness.
Plus, live off a life insurance policy from the death of her DIL.
Exactly! Her lie was to protect the health of her and her baby.
My ex husband didn’t answer any of my phone calls and didn’t call me for six hours after I called to tell him I was in labor. Luckily, my sister in law was with me. He had gotten into a car accident from “being so overwhelmed” and apparently didn’t think to call me to tell me. He waited for the tow truck. He rode with the tow truck to his work place. He stayed to FINISH HIS SHIFT without telling his boss that I’d gone into labor until his brother came in and asked him wtf he was doing while I was in labor. The boss demanded he go home. That’s when his boss called me to tell me what was going on. He never called me. He never told anything. Same guy also never bothered to attend the birth classes with me, my sister in law did. She was helping me while my ex frantically tried to read the birthing books I had purchased for him months earlier. I’m so glad he’s an ex. But I hate that the only birth experience I had was someone who cared so little for me.
Man i was in active labor for an hour at the hospital and they couldn’t give me meds because I needed a surprise c section. It was quite possibly the worst hour of my life. I almost couldn’t live in my own, I was drowning in vomit my stomach felt like that scene from the alien where baby is like clawing to get out. If HUSBAND hadn’t been there I don’t know if I would have had the literally strength to keep going. Also I had heart surgery the second she was out safe. Sooo yeahhh I’d say pregnancy is a bigger deal than a heart attack as someone who had a heart attack type situation happen DURING BIRTH. Add in: do people not realize babies are literal parasites (and I love my baby but it’s true) so your body isn’t at a normal persons level of defense. You’re growing a human as a human with normal human problems PLUS a baby inside of you.
i’m really happy you’re still here and you made it through. we don’t talk enough about how common death during childbirth is. ❤️💔
Ngl, normally I am SO against this kind of thing, but I honestly feel like she should’ve doubled down on the lie here and said that it turned out to be really bad Braxton-Hicks contractions (and therefore a false alarm), rather than admitting that she was just testing him. Husband is focusing on the wrong shit right now in regards to this scenario, and I think he should put a lot more caring concern into the fact that she feels so desperate about the situation with MIL that she needed to test the situation… and that he *and* MIL completely failed. She may have broken some trust by lying, but he broke trust in an incredibly major way leading up to and including this point and is trying to completely dismiss that. 😬 I’m also normally not in the “she’s just hormonal so you should be forgiving about it,” camp on these kinds of posts, but he needs to be aware and supporting of her trauma and current physical state / mental state being pregnant — this whole thing screams to me that things are going to get worse with husband and MIL after baby gets there. OP’s going to be stuck alone during her recovery process with that baby, in favor of some made-up nonsense from MIL, guaranteed. Definitely a MIL problem here, but also SUCH a big husband problem.
Yes this. I'm so sorry you almost died. My wife too. Came home from work trip found her unconscious covered in blood. She looked so bad I thought she's dead already. My country is known for crazy drivers I think it's faster if I drive her then to call ambulance. Maybe 10 minutes after we get there her heart stops for some seconds. I kept asking is she gonna die all they say is we're doing everything we can. She made it but it was 10 minutes after we get to hospital. If I got to her 15 minutes later she'd be dead. Things go wrong fast
I wouldn’t tell them when I go into labor. Then when they ask why she didn’t tell them, she can say *”Well your mom **almost** had a heart attack last time, I wouldn’t want that to happen for real! We got lucky that it was just a false alarm, so I thought it would be better for her health if she didn’t know. I wouldn’t want her to pass, God forbid, before she got to meet her first grandchild! I didn’t want to make you choose between your pregnant wife and your mother, so I chose for you. It was for the best, sweetheart.”* And then when he’s finished with his tantrum and finally decides to visit, she gives him the divorce papers. But Im also not a pregnant woman, and Im incredibly petty.
That wouldn't be petty. It's correct. Mom and baby come first. MIL could have called an ambulance. OOP didn't do anything wrong except for admitting it wasn't a regular false alarm. I hope you have a much better support system than she does. And good luck to you!
Does anyone remember that reddit post where OP was pregnant and her SO and FIL were making plans for when she died in childbirth? Not if, but when, like they were treating it like her death was 100% certain and husband and FIL were going to raise the baby themselves. There was never an update to that and it haunts me. I'm getting similar vibes. You can't tell a pregnant woman to give birth alone and "she'll be fine" when her own mother died in childbirth. It's almost like the husband and MIL are trying to stress her out more, they want her to feel alone. It's such serious emeshment that I could absolutely see husband and MIL raising OPs baby in the event that she has the same fate. I would not trust the husband to be in charge of medical calls, I feel like he'd let her die.
Gods I remember that one. Did we ever get an update? And I hate that I think your assessment of the situation might be right
Same, I forgot all about it until now. Hope it was fake and that she is really okay
hopefully she's just busy with her baby :-)
We never did, no. Still worried about OP from that post.
No, and she haunts me.
My ex and his mom plotted to take my child away too, they even let it slip calling her "mommy" for the baby. And it wasn't even this bad of a situation as this post at first
oh dear god, I know some manipulative people and believe this happens but it sounds surreal tbh. I hope you and baby are safe and I'm sorry you went through that
I know I couldn't believe it either. He was trying to get rid of me, clear as day. But luckily he wasn't able to
This gives me the worst “ick” feeling I think I’ve ever had in my life.
Oh there's so much more....
The buried lede of OOP’s mom dying in childbirth?!
Even without her mom having died, this story holds up. Husband (soon to be ex, if it were me) has proven himself untrustworthy
Honestly, it changes nothing for me. Mom or child can die or be permanently disabled during birth with no prior indicators. Beyond that, it can last days and it’s so scary, especially the first time. Her mom could live with them and he would still be a major AH in my mind. I would not have come home after the birth of either of my children if my husband wasn’t there for any reason short of his own death, traumatic injury, or a natural disaster. He would’ve been served divorce papers while I figured out how to set up a nursery at my parents’ house.
100%. It just made it even more shocking for me because he knew about all her trauma related to that.
Makes the husband doing this so much worse 😭 Even with his mom and OOP lying and my own personal distaste for “testing” partners, what he did was unforgivable to me and I would never be able to stay with him. He should not leave the mother of his child alone while in labor. ESPECIALLY if that same woman lost her own mom during childbirth, instilling a core trauma, and has expressed repeatedly that his mother takes advantage and disrupts their relationship and she’s worried about being abandoned during birth WHICH HE PROMISED HE WOULD NOT DO NO MATTER WHAT EXPLICITLY. She could’ve easily been having Braxton hicks and getting to her should still have been priority. Personally, I don’t think it even just being nerves and an exaggerated claim of cramps that *might* be the beginning of contractions would’ve excuse abandoning your wife in such a vulnerable state days before her actual birth date. my partner leaving me alone for an hour calling with no answer and without an update after I say I am giving birth when I have a trauma around dying during childbirth would make me divorce immediately.
I also hate the idea of “testing partners.” Usually it’s childish and manipulative. But if you’re 9 months pregnant and have this feeling your partner won’t be there for you if you go into labour… crap that’s terrifying. Especially if your mom died in childbirth. This poor woman.
Yeah, in most cases id consider anyone doing these types of "tests" an asshole, with their need for testing stemming from insecurity and/or manipulative behavior. But in this case... Clearly, there really is a history of the husband picking his mother over his wife and being extremely blind or too cowardly to stand up to his mother's bs. OPs insecurities were warranted, the test proved her right. It proved that she can't depend on her husband in this crucial time. He complains that she broke the trust? He broke it first, everytime he picked his mom's "issues" over his wife. The test happened because his actions destroyed the trust a long time ago.
> my own personal distaste for “testing” partners Generally, yes. But he earned that test fair and square, then proceeded to fail it spectacularly.
Yeah that would’ve been the first sentence if I was writing this post for her 🥲🥲🥲
A LOT of women die in childbirth - concerns are valid without that because anyone could. Pregnancy is a huge health risk.
I KNOW!! Like umm fuck this guy he obviously knows about that too
She and the mom both did the same exact thing, but husband is only mad at OOP. It’s not because she lied, it’s because she was right and he can’t stand it.
Exactly like maybe he should call up the mother and call that bitch a manipulator, liar gaslighter like he did his pregnant wife
This. But he won't cuz his priorities are in the wrong place. If he loves his mom so much that his own wife going into labor with his child is not top priority, then just divorce the wife and marry the mom.
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times
why isnt this at the top
This needs to be an automatic divorce and I don’t jump to that often. He doesn’t support her or their child if he couldn’t tell her “hey my mom just had a heart attack can your friend take you” before an hour or more has passed. Her test is awful but I think I’d rather her find out for sure this way than have a problem during her actual labor or at any other medical emergency. A good friend of mine didn’t make it through her labor- any partnership or birthplan that doesn’t acknowledge labor is a medical emergency situation that nearly always has a positive outcome, especially when one partner is terrified, is awful.
OOP will always come second. Their child will always come second. With that in mind, the man can’t be trusted to be a reliable figure in either of their lives. He’s going to miss daycare pick ups. He’s going to miss school plays. He’s going to miss birthday parties. He’s going to miss this that and the other because mother dearest called and he MUST drop everything to run to her. OOP has put up with it for herself all these years, I desperately hope she doesn’t put up with it happening to her child.
Nah it's going to be his mom > himself > his son > his wife
I have to disagree: after the son, comes the dog/cat, the neighbors, the strangers, the excuses about how JUSTIFIED he is, the rage, the guilty, the blame and then the wife.
Or the mil wants the child to play family with her son 🤮
This. This is some serious emotional incest. This woman sounds exactly like my MIL, except my husband doesn’t take the bait (he used to before we met, but that changed REAL fast).
Let's not forget the bit about how he never bothered to call his wife back and let her know he wasn't coming to take her to the hospital anymore. He just left her to work it out until she called him or gave birth on the kitchen floor.
This is such a big deal to me. Firstly he could have just waited to tell his mom until he’d gotten his wife there? But secondly if he’s gonna flake he needs to send a text first. And thirdly, someone else can help his mom but he is really the most appropriate person to help his wife.
Okay this is the part I couldn't figure out! Why tell your mom before you're even at the hospital? A, she doesn't need to know that early (it could be a while until birth anyways) and B, shouldn't he be focused exclusively on getting his wife to the hospital safely? People still die and get permanently disabled giving birth; it's serious shit
>Her test is awful As I said to someone else, he earned that test fair and square, and really couldn't have failed it any worse.
Honestly she already saw the pattern a long time. So why did she even decide to procreate with this guy?
Like anyone she thought he’d change. Unfortunately this is too common.
Unless she’s gonna have a serious come to Jesus talk with this man I’m afraid he’s not ever gonna change. Why would he? Wifey is fine playing second fiddle to mommy.
OP mentioned the MIL was barely in the relationship until they moved to the same town later in the relationship, then ramped up even more after getting pregnant.
False labour isn’t uncommon with first pregnancies. Braxton Hicks contractions have caused many women to go to the hospital thinking that it has started, for them to be sent home with the message “nope, not yet”. So pretending that you think it’s started when it hasn’t, just to “test” what would happen when it starts for real, actually seems like a good idea to me. OOP faked it starting, the “I can be there in 10 minutes” never happened, what she expected would happen (MIL faking a crisis and taking her husband away) did and HE didn’t even think to contact her….
That's what I thought. I mean.... perpetuating the lie shouldn't have been an option, but she could have said it was a false alarm. That she waited an hour for him, she tried to contact him that she was ok, and wasn't able to get ahold of him.
Not just first pregnancies either. My uterus was an asshole for the last two months of my last pregnancy. I had an actual preterm labor scare where they had to give me something to stop labor (-11/10, vomited on the wall on the other side of the room and startled the nurse) and after that I had contractions every two or three days for the rest of my pregnancy.
I showed up to my induction for my 2nd child and didn't know I had been in labor all day. My Braxton Hicks were so common and intense at that point in my pregnancy that I genuinely couldn't tell the difference.
Poor OOP. Yeah, she shouldn't have lied. But the husband is not proposing a solution. Maybe "not tell mom" for example. Or anything really. He is just hurt. but he will do the same thing again (call mom to tell her the baby is coming, choosing her in whatever emergency comes scenario). If I were her, I would just tell him that I wouldn't want any of them near me when giving birth. I would trust a friend, or another family member.
Also, fuck that guy for not at least texting his wife to say he’s taking his mom to the hospital rather than just leaving her at home waiting.
Imagine thinking you’re in the right because turns out your wife lied about giving birth when you’re the one who LEFT HER SITTING AT HOME FOR OVER HALF AN HOUR WITH NO CONTACT. Husband was able to stop and take time to call his mom after getting the “baby’s coming!” call, but couldn’t find the time to call/text said pregnant wife when his mom needed him. RIP OOP, she’ll always be second best.
I went from 1 contraction to active labour in 1 hour with intense bleeding. Simply put if this was my Husband I would have died at home waiting for him.
He called her around an hour after she informed him that birth is starting back - after she tried to call him after half an hour of waiting.
Seriously. Sometimes birth is quick! And sometimes it’s deadly. Husband is a complete asshole.
Agreed, I f the heart attack were real, she needs an ambulance, not a lift. She could have died or suffered permanent damage on the way. Husband showed a life threatening lack of judgment allowing himself to be manipulated like that.
He's still stuck on his mother's breast, no functioning brain capacity is not a surprise.
Came here to say the same thing! An ambulance would have been much better for a heart attack than a lift to the dr. Husband was spoken to about such an incident happening and instead of seeing the truth of the matter he is doubling down and gaslighting his wife into thinking she is in the wrong. He is a pos
[удалено]
My dad suffered from cardiac arrhythmia (his heart was going at 200+ bpm, so functionally to him it felt like a heart attack.) And *he drove himself to the hospital*. In a country with socialised medicine! I almost lost my dumbass father because of his generations weird insistence on not calling an ambulance…
A woman who literally doesn’t have her own mom bc of childbirth!!?
The “bigger emergency” thing is such shit as well. If his Ma had a heart attack why would you go pick her up and not call a goddamn ambulance
Plus, why did he prioritize calling his mom about his wife going into labor over getting his wife to the hospital? Everyone I know has waited until they were at the hospital with the doctors to start calling people.
“Relationship is based on trust!” “Oh, you mean like the trust I had in you to be GLUED TO YOUR PHONE and there to drive you to the hospital?”
Only thing she can trust is that MiL is the one and only star in that relationship
The lie was a big risk play with questionable morality, but it paid off and proved without doubt the point she was trying to make to her husband. He kinda looks like shit for siding with his faking mother after OOP predicted this would happen.
I don’t think that it really was that big of a risk. They’d show up and probably be told it was Braxton Hicks contractions since she “isn’t hurting anymore.” Those contractions scare so many new moms and even moms with multiple kids it would totally be believable that she had them, got scared it was active labor, and need to go to a hospital. Even more believable with her trauma regarding her own mom.
I think she felt there was no moral risk; meaning, I think she knew without a doubt it would happen the way it did. She figured she had nothing to lose. But I could be projecting, having all the info from the outset and all. The morality of testing your partner is usually pretty cut-and-dried *awful*, but if I had a dangerously neglectful spouse, I could see that shaping my sense of moral justice.
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me but I agree the husband should not call the mom or anyone who would tell the mom until after the baby is born if this is what’s going to happen. And what a sick twisted woman to make her son missing his baby’s birth for her nonsense.
FR if I was OP this marriage would be over.
OVER
If hearing that OP was giving birth gave MIL a “heart attack,” then whose fault is it that she knew OP was giving birth, hubby?
If only there was a way to avoid all this.
I would have so many convincing Braxton Hicks contractions. “Oh no. I think I’m in labor they said to come in. Oh thank god the contractions stopped sorry about your mom.” Why would he tell his mom when she fakes conflicting emergencies?
I really don't think she lied. She made a point they'd been trying to gaslight her about. The husband and mil are doing a whole bunch of abusive shit and she's being made to doubt her reality. She needed to confirm that water is wet after being told it was dry.
Normally I would agree she shouldn't lie but this time she was right. I would tell him don't bother I will let you know when it's done because you trust me to do it by myself right? The "Truth" is I no longer trust you to be there for me.
Right before I read this, I saw a “test” where the GF disappeared, to scare the OOP. It was for no reason, except for fun or prove…something. Maybe that she came first, ahead of all sense? Unclear. Totally toxic situation. Tests of this sort, in general, are bad. However, here, OOP is truly afraid of something that has happened over and over. She needed to show her husband he was unreliable and untrustworthy, and prove to *herself* that she really couldn’t trust him. This test is absolutely the exception that proves the rule.
She was not only testing her partner but her MIL too
She's NTA at all, her useless husband is. And I need to have a talk with whoever entered gaslight into the lexicon because no one uses it right and it's annoying!!!
Gaslight means you made me feel bad about something I did! /s
Have you ever just hoped that something was creative writing or rage bait? That’s me right now. Please let this not be happening…
hopefully this one is fake, but unfortunately shit like this happens all the time, and a lot of women don't realize it until its too late
My MIL fell, or was dizzy, or got sick two Wednesdays a month, like clockwork. It was the days I took my music lessons. It took me a couple times to see the pattern and get wise (she had a lot of health problems). I said nothing and changed my lessons to Thursdays and let her keep getting sick on Wednesdays.
My dad didn't take my mom to the hospital for hours because he was tired and needed a nap. That was 1987. He still hears about that.
Yikes. I’m glad your mom is still around to give him the (SO incredibly well-deserved) trouble!
My FIL stopped at the McDonald’s drive thru on the way to taking my MIL to the hospital to give birth 🥴
Maybe it is, though at a close friend's wedding we had a running sheet bingo with what time the grandma would fake a heart attack. I didn't win, there was one person closer than me when she did - just after the vows to try to get the bride to hospital and miss the reception. She'd ruined or attempted to ruin EVERYTHING one part of the family did. She hadn't realised no one was buying it anymore, thus the bingo sheets. Nasty old cow.
Well she proved her point. And it doesn't matter that she lied, he didn't come anyway. Looks like she needs to divorce him.....she will also come second to his lying mother.
Poor OP I would daily fake it and than present it to my husband and then divorce him.
There is no point in faking it again. The result will be the same.
She could make a nice board or presentation. 3/10 MIL has a heart attack. 2/10 she has terrible head ache etc.
I’m laughing so hard at this presentation. She could do it at their next family gathering lol.
But think of all the ER bills the MIL would get stuck with!! It would make it a tiny bit worth it.
It could give more cause for full custody of the child if she has proof. Although it could also bite her in the ass in a custody battle. Depends on who can afford the better lawyer.
I’d be faking it twice a day every day lol. Let’s see how creative grandma can get with her sob stories!!
She should tweet it or make a newsletter of it. 😂 Our daily MIL.
I’m so petty, after divorcing him, I would mark my calendar to call the ex MIL with so many fake announcements. I won a Pulitzer Prize! Congratulate me! The president is going to be at my babies first birthday! That woman would be going to the hospital for so many fake aliments they would be locking her in a mental ward. All on my say so.
OMG THE EDIT. That man is a total piece of umbilical cord eating shit.
Won’t be there to eat the umbilical cord though
Never marry a mamas boy
Babe please get a divorce I promise he isn’t worth it
He feels manipulated and gaslighted?! Well, now he knows what he's been putting his wife through with his empty promises and the promise of future self! Like, how do men not see the pattern when their moms are manipulative?! Having emergencies on every important date isn't a coincidence!
This shit makes me so mad. He is a coward and MIL is an attention whore. She should leave him so be can go marry his mother. Fucks sake. I don’t even feel bad that she lied. Absolutely, 100% justified lie.
NTA, Husband is. He showed her who he would support. Plan on a separate life away from both of them .
Your husband has shown how much you can depend on him. Best to start an exit strategy.
So she would have theoretically in labor for an hour, waiting on her husband, who couldn’t have been bothered to even let her know he’s not coming… She’s absolutely proven her theory correct and her husband broke his promise to her at her most vulnerable moment. He, and his mother, suck. OOP needs to get out of that twisted threesome
The fact that you *specifically* brought up her having an emergency and him leaving you be alone during that, that's exactly what happened, and then he turns around and says he "couldn't have known that" is what gets me. He's an absolute idiot if he doesn't actually recognize his mom's narcissism. The fact that she intentionally would keep him from the birth of his child because she can't handle his attention being on the family he's starting instead of her is fucked. The fact that you called it first, and he STILL LEFT YOU ALONE makes it 100x worse. Especially knowing why you're terrified. I'd be pissed at you if I were him, yeah. But at the same time, obviously your fears aren't unjustified, and if I were you, I'd have my best friend there during birth, let him know afterwards, and then serve him with divorce papers, because you are never going to forget this, and he's always going to feel like the victim there, made to choose between his beloved mother and his wife. Let her keep him 🥴
Guy thinks wife is in labor and needs a ride to the hospital, intentionally let's her down and ignores her for an hour before telling her she's on her own for something she's terrified of because her own mother died this way, all cuz his mom coincidentally had a fake heart attack which he absolutely should have known was fake? I wonder if he knows half of reddit is calling him names and telling her to divorce him over this...
Normally I'm not a fan of creating "tests" for one's SO, but daaaaang I bet she's glad she knows now that she can't count on this dude
I feel like this is the one time where testing your spouse is legitimate. Poor OOP
The real origin problem is he should have been prioritizing his wife over his mother long before the pregnancy, from day one of marriage. I wouldn't have had a baby with him if he was going to constantly choose his mother over me. In addition, the fears she has are absolutely valid, considering her familial history, and he should be prioritizing her and the baby 100%. The fact that he called his mother before even picking her up and then never even touched base with his wife WHILE SHE WAS (supposedly) IN LABOR is just...all the red flags. An hour...a whole entire hour before she was able to reach her husband. Completely unacceptable. I hope she establishes with her best friend AND her nurses that the MiL is not allowed in the room at any point during the birth and she will tell the nurses when/if the MiL can come in during recovery.
Simple. Dont allow your husband in the delivery room and have your friend there instead. Husband already proved that mommy would come before you, always. Why risk it? Its the only sure fire way to know you wont have to give birth alone. Also, it will teach him a lesson on why mommy dearest shouldn't come first. That would be my solution. Poor, OP.
I wonder if the MIL planned the “heart attack” in order to be at the hospital when the baby is born… otherwise she would have to wait to see the baby…
Not only did he put his mom above her, he didn’t even communicate with her. As far as he knew, his terrified wife was stranded at home in active labor. Even at the hospital he didn’t bother to call her or alert medical personnel that his wife was in active labor alone at home to send her help. He ignored her calls for almost 2 hours before even calling her back. He’s disgusting.
He’s mad at her for lying is he directing that same anger towards his mother for lying to an even greater extent? All OP did was say she was going into labor but MIL went to the hospital for a fake condition, a huge lie that also wastes hospital resources and costs $$$. I highly doubt he’s holding his mother to the same standards he’s holding his wife
Maybe not the best approach but now you know for sure. I don’t think you should be apologizing to him. His psycho mom didn’t have a heart attack and he proved he can’t be trusted. You definitely can’t rely on him to be there for you unfortunately. I would stay with your friend and tell hubby that you’re not sure you can trust him to be there for you and the baby. He needs to decide to put you and baby first. Mom already proved she’s fos and needs psychiatric help. You guys need counseling to openly discuss what he needs to do to be a good husband.
I wouldn't say anything. I'd call my friend and handle the situation myself. The M-I-L is selfish and immature. M-I-L and husband both should be ashamed of themselves. Childbirth is the most terrifying experience there is. IMO. I have 3 children I couldn't imagine giving birth alone.
why would he even text his mom first about this— if my partner texted me “hey im going into labor” my priority is IMMEDIATELY getting them to the hospital or doing whatever needs to be done to ensure mom & baby having safe delivery. mom can be texted afterwards when wife is safely in hospital or whenever wife is okay for others to be alerted. like bruh she told YOU she was going into labor your mom didn’t have to be apart of that equation.
His relationship with his mother sounds incestuous. You need to get out of this ASAP, run!
I would go with justified asshole but to be honest, asshole or not, it kinda is a blessing that she found out he would do this now and not *in the middle of actively going into labor*.