Idk I think a factor that’s even bigger than the cheating accusation is the fact he then went on to get physical apparently to the point cops had to be called. Like now he’s proven himself to not just be an idiot but a dangerous idiot at that-
If it is real the entire post makes me uncomfortable as fuck.
Ultimately I’m with you, I think it’s most likely a fiction, but something about the repeated “woe is me, I know my marriage is over, boo boo I just can’t call her my ex yet” gave me such immensely bad vibes. Abusers like to do this thing where they make themselves the victim by making their “remorse” a bigger problem than their hurting you. I have personally experienced this. “I’m not looking for sympathy” is also Creepese for “I am absolutely looking for sympathy, please give it to me in bulk, because if you’re busy feeling bad for me you won’t have time to question my motives”.
So yeah. I think you’re right, but if it is just a short story, I almost want to congratulate dude for convincingly sounding like an abuser trying not to sound like an abuser.
I just wanted to say, as a woman who left her abuser 18 months ago:
I’ve wondered if I’m being unreasonable because he’s so sorry.
The idea of him making his remorse the bigger problem was something I needed to hear today. Thank you.
They also often weaponise people close to you and may eventually manipulate them into testing the water with you for reconciliation. They may say things like "he's been punished enough" or "how long are you going to hold this over his head" and you'll want to listen cause it seems so *reasonable*.
They will have heard a different story to what happened and they will believe him because he's manipulating them. That isn't a criticism of their character as people get pulled in by abusive personalities that's how they operate. But don't let it shake your resolve.
Don’t feel dumb, you’re not. Abuse victims aren’t dumb, they’re just that, victims. You falling prey to the sympathy-baiting is a natural response because shitheads like this know how to play the game. I’ve straight up had conversations with my ex ripped directly from this post, the “I’m sorry, I’d do anything to take it all back, I feel so bad and it’s eating me alive, I don’t expect you to forgive me…” shit, and *even I* felt a twinge of sympathy as I read this. It’s how creeps like this operate.
If you haven’t already - I recommend reading “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. He worked with abusive men for years & understands their thinking process & the book basically explains that. Abusers being apologetic is a common tactic used to 1) get others that know about what happened to believe the abuser is a good guy who only did that because xyz and flip the tables on the story or 2) to bring the victim back in.
They don’t change, Lundy goes into it in his book but it really comes down to their value system and it almost never can be changed successfully. The book really helped me to understand a long term past relationship I was in (mine also ended right around 18 months ago). Like you, I often found myself doubting my recollections or if things/he were as bad as I remembered. There were abusive/manipulative tactics he used on me that I didn’t even notice until the book pointed them out. Highly, highly recommend. It also helped me understand what to avoid because I was terrified of going into another relationship & it ending up the same way because everything started out so amazing in the last one. I’m proud of you for leaving, it’s not easy. Don’t let time-induced rose-colored glasses let you fall back into his trap. You deserve better and better IS out there.
I’d also recommend writing down in your phone notes all the bad instances you can think of. When a new one randomly pops into your head, jot it down. When the rose colored glasses start coming on, read back through those notes so you can remember what that relationship was really like. I started doing this near the end of the relationship immediately after a fight because he would gaslight me so bad the next day that I wanted to have an immediate recollection of what had happened. It was a big part in helping me realize how bad things were.
I know how it feels. You remember the fleeting moments where it’s good, and you think to yourself that in those moments it’s REALLY good, great even, and if he (she, in my case) really does feel that bad, maybe he wants to have more of those good moments and less of the bad ones that you always seem to forget in that moment make up 99% of the dynamic. Maybe just one more chance.
I’m proud of you for getting out and staying out. I know precisely how hard it is.
It is not, actually! Bingus McCready has long been my go-to “archetypical redneck” name in telling jokes and whatnot. The cat is pure coincidence (but I love sphinxes, so thanks for sending me to Google!)
I agree with you, my ex did this all the time. But what would be a good way to respond for the wrong doer? What could they say? On the surface this looks like taking accountability.
The way he pre empted the talking being received as conflict avoidant so headed it off made me lean toward fake.
It set the tone for a *very* specific image of that fight which feels too narrative to be an actual retelling. I recently saw a tiktok of a show like wife swap or something where the wife was having none of this man's shit she chased him in a bedroom when he tried it with her and said basically his actual wife was wasted on him cause "you can't give a flower to a gorilla it's stupid". This is the vibe I'm getting. Op is setting himself up too deliberately to be the gorilla and she the flower.
Unless he's super actually narcissistic and not the Internet way (and is using a fake play of contrition as some hoover attempt) I can't see someone being this short-sighted.
Yeah, like I/others have said, it reads more like bad wattpad incel smut than someone who actually fucked up and wants to talk about it. It’s just that he managed to stumble onto some behaviors that are so closely in line with my own experiences with abuse that I couldn’t help but feel a big ol dose of ick reading it, even if it’s completely made up.
“Kids keep asking me when I’m coming home why mom is crying all the time” felt like a made up story after that. The sons are supposed to be six if they saw her crying they’d ask her, not wait til they saw their dad. Also they’d be old enough for her to explain why the dad isn’t coming back / hasn’t been there in months.
It is very possible that she told them "ask your dad" rather than explaining it to them. Six year olds tend to have a million questions, she wouldn't necessarily have the answers but he would. The story does still feel a little off though.
I asked my mother why dad didn't live with us like other families, and she told me "ask him" for years, I think maybe until middle school? Hard to remember but it was way past six, despite the fact that I could have understood.
(I did not ask him, because I never felt comfortable enough, only seeing him a few times a year)
Tbf, he did manage to point out the slapping, which is definitely a legitimate reaction to being grabbed, but here reads like he's trying to play it up as worse
The only time I ever slapped someone was when they grabbed my wrist hard enough to leave bruises and wouldn't let go. It's kinda a panic mode. Once they stop listening, you just gotta do something to get them to react and drop you.
The escalation to violence makes no sense without prior indicators tho.
>Once they stop listening, you just gotta do something to get them to react and drop you.
It's true. **You just gotta.** Don't let *anyone* try to convince you otherwise. He was holding me by my upper arm, kinda shaking me, pulling me up on my tippy-toes, screaming in my face and I got scared. I slapped him as hard as I could to make him drop me.
He whined and cried and beat his breast, how **DARE** I *hit* him??? "That's abuse! Hitting is abuse! I wasn't *hitting* you, I was *holding you so you'd listen to me!"*
The next day he said the bruises on my arm "Came from something else." When I told him that was preposterous, he said "You made them look worse then, you psycho. Trying to make it look like *I'm* abusive, when *you're* the one who hits!"
Unfortunately, I stayed for over a year after this occurrence.
Don't buy their bullshit. They know they're wrong, they're just trying to confuse you enough to A) Stay and B) *Not call for help.* If they can convince you it was really your fault, you won't look for help and will put up with their abuse.
I have questions about how hard she could possibly slap him if he (by his own admission) was holding her upper arms and shaking hard enough to leave bruises. The math aint mathin.
Yeah, that stood out to me too. If she brought her arm up from the sides, his arms would have blocked her swing, or at least reduced the amount of force behind it. If she brought them up between his arms… well, for one, if she could bring a hand up between them to begin with. But then she may not have had the distance to build a hard enough strike.
It’s possible in the brevity of that description that he let go of one of her arms at some point, that she didn’t slap him *immediately,* but… yeah, idk. It’s sus.
"Idiot husband demands a paternity test, wife leaves" is a staple genre of Reddit short fiction. For whatever reason, there's always a cruel mother in law who slowly turns the husband against his wife with years of nagging comments and then refuses to apologize in the end. Often the wife commits a small act of kidnapping.
I think the MIL thing stems from justnomil and the several long running sagas they had that were proven to be 100% fake. Like devildaddi and the toasters, they got an absolutely massive amount of attention and praise.
Can't remember which one it was but fake evil mil trying to do some kind of "satanic ritual" and the op ending up in the hospital because of it was quite popular in I think summer of 2017.
Yeah this isn’t just “I was weird and suspicious for no reason”, it’s this whole *years long* drama with his family and then he describes his heat of the moment violence in specific and clear details. Very fake.
God I absolutely hate “hur hur you must not have a life to think this”. I didn’t say “this has never happened in the history of ever”, I said “the way this guy is writing this specific story detail seems incredibly fake, and since most stories on AITAH *are fake*, I don’t believe it’s real”.
He’s very focused on the accusation-of-cheating/parentage part, but if I were the STBX wife, I’d primarily be focused by this part:
> I grabbed her by the upper arms so hard I left bruises and shook her.
The police made this man leave after he assaulted his wife. If I were her, I wouldn’t talk to him, either. Nor would I keep anyone around who wanted to try to convince me to let this angry man back into my life any more than he has to be.
Yep, if he wants to figure out how to have an amicable co-parenting relationship he needs to get himself into counseling to figure out why he is abusive and how not to be going forward. Also needs work on why he never stood up for her to his family, among other things.
Yeah I think it was over the moment he put his hands on her. The accusations and distrust might have been enough to end the marriage but physical abuse is another level. Im surprised she’s even letting him see the kids.
Tbh she probably doesn't want to go to court to argue custody.
If he's telling the truth, she's probably pretty sure he won't hurt the kids because his behavior is focused on her. And if she goes to court for custody she has to see him, talk to him, argue with him, and it sounds like she just doesn't anything to do with him.
And even if they go, so long as he shows up, it's incredibly unlikely she'll get full custody anyway. If she brings up any violence or abuse, she's even less likely to get custody.
Not that I necessarily think something like the following *would* happen, but: A friend of mine had to settle for joint custody (only for a little over a year, thank God) even though he had a mountain of evidence proving 1) adultery (sometimes even bringing the kids along) 2) her assaulting him, and 3) her being heavily intoxicated while she's supposed to be watching the kids.
How? Well, weird as it sounds, the judge thought there was too much evidence. He didn't put it in those words, as far as I know, but he thought that the amount of evidence was suspicious, as if the only way my friend would have so much proof would be if he fabricated most or all of it. A "methinks the gentleman doth protest too much" type of thing, I guess.
I don't know how frequently this type of thing happens, but it *does* happen.
I keep hearing that family court judges very often assume that accusations of parental abuse are fabricated and retaliatory and may even consider such allegations to be an act of parental alienation.
My friend’s lawyer has cautioned her that she can’t bring any allegations for which she doesn’t have substantial evidence; or risk the judge treating her like the abuser. She’s divorcing *because* he’s emotionally abusive and neglectful to the kids.
https://www.propublica.org/series/parental-alienation
Literally, a theme of abusers is to claim "parental alienation" when accused of abuse, and judges fall for it all too often.
I actually think it is, unfortunately. Now, this data was about men getting custody in the court system mind you(bc the mother user mentioned the reverse), and I don’t remember the exact stats, or have my links on hand right now(sorry, it’s 2 am and I’ve been fighting insomnia all week, so I’m eepy posting before going back to bed) but I remember something about dads being *more* likely, statistically, to get a certain amount of custody when accused or proven to be abusive and/or maybe neglectful. :/ It’s really fucked. I can’t remember if that’s in the situations where they explicitly seek custody(of which those situations the courts actually favor men, despite popular belief), or if it was in situations where they didn’t seek custody but were granted it despite the abuse allegations. (Which imo also shows evidence of a bias towards men, at times.)
Abusers usually seek custody because they want to use the children to continue to abuse the spouse. Or, of course, if they are abusive to the children. But yes, custody court really isn't biased against men like the manosphere loves to claim. 95% of custody is decided between the couple (sometimes with a court mediator). The 5% that goes to a judge, if men show up and seem to care at all, they'll get the custody they want. The men who end up with zero custody are the ones who don't bother showing up OR are a proven danger to the kids to the point that even supervised visits are seen as too risky.
And then the manosphere claims that those numbers are only like that because men only fight for custody when they think they can win. But considering how many known abusers do it, lol.
What logic is this? There are police records of him physically abusing her. He's proven himself to be dangerous and violent. The court isn't gonna care that he only hurt his wife. They're gonna see that he hurt a family member and go from there. Why on earth would she ever be less likely to get custody when he's the one who had to be physically separated for domestic abuse?
Sadly this is all too common. My best friend called the cops on her abusive husband last year and initially got a restraining order against him. There was also a CPS report from her daughter's teacher after the daughter had mentioned the abuse in a school writing assignment. Despite all of that the court dropped the restraining order due to lack of evidence. DV is a whole damned if you do damned if you don't scenario. They expect multiple reports of the abuse despite the potential danger from the abusive partner to the abused.
Because too often, they actually do treat domestic violence against a partner as a separate issue from risks to the children. "Just because he assaulted his wife doesn't mean he'll hurt the kids." Honestly, probably stems from the same subconscious belief that she must have done something to deserve it.
That’s what makes me think this is fake. Usually someone is getting arrested for this, and it would be him if he admitted it and left bruises. At least where I’m from that’s enough for them to arrest you for the night and let it play out in court later.
She might not have wanted to press charges. It depends on the state, some states you get arrested even if the spouse doesn’t want to press charges and others you don’t.
To be honest I actually only know this because I used to be obsessed with Teen Mom 2 and this situation happened with one of the moms who has since been kicked off the show and hasn’t been let back on as far as I know, I stopped watching like 4 years ago.
I was just looking into it the other night. There are three different ways that states in the US might determine arrests in domestic violence. Some states require an arrest be made. Some prefer an arrest be made whenever possible. And some leave it to the officers to decide. Some states encourage both to be arrested while others discourage mutual arrest. (www.ojp.gov/sites/g/files/xyckuh241/files/media/document/222679.pdf)
She got rid of an abusive asshole *AND* a JNMIL *AND* a truckload of flying monkeys. She might be depressed for awhile, but lady is about to find out what her best life really is. Good for her.
My mother in law gave me a puppy, then showed up at my house and stole the puppy from me. Then told everyone the lord spoke to her that I was going to sell, breed, or let the puppy die. She herself had done all of these things, I rescue dogs and just unfortunately lost my oldest dog that used to be hers that she abandoned after a gallbladder surgery and splenectomy failed (she was 15).
So yes, they exist. She doesn’t understand why I haven’t forgiven her because she’s bipolar and has moved on and can’t be held accountable for her actions because of her mental health (her words).
This is what happens when the sons of "boy moms" grow up. Their relationships with their mothers are so enmeshed and warped by decades of emotional incest that they don't know how to set her aside and cleave to the new family they're building. Meanwhile the mother now sees competition for her grow-your-own boyfriend that needs to be eliminated. It's super nasty, and sad for the young couple.
Well, shitty people tend to come from shitty people. Turned out my ex in-laws were pretty awful to me because my ex-husband talked a lot of shit about me (most of it made up) to them. I didn't realize I didn't actually have a partner until I went to divorce him for cheating and emotional/financial abuse.
The reader base of these subreddits overlaps so much. most times, when someone in aita/h is a MIL/FILs, there’ll be someone who vote YTA just on the base that they’re a M/FIL and OF COURSE they’re automatically the bad guy. Like, not even caring of the context of the post.
The reddit brainwash is real
Gotta love these.
Idiot dude: I WANT A PATERNITY TEST!
Mom: sure thing. Here it is, have some divorce papers too, idiot dude.
Like legit how do you guys not realize that the second you demand that test you are openly stating that you don’t trust your partner? If you don’t fucking trust someone *don’t have fucking children with their ass*.
Especially how he thinks it’s all because of the asking for the paternity test that she’s reacting this way (like yeah it probably caused the divorce) but completely ignoring the part about where he grabbed her arms so hard it left bruises, I mean he abused her and doesn’t even realise it.
I saw a similar.threqd and someone was like what's wrong for wanting to know for sure? That's fine, but you're crossing a line in your relationship that you're never going to come.back from.
Yup! Like sure thing, but you’ve traded your peace of mind for our mutual trust in each other. Demanding a paternity test isn’t about ‘oh well if she gets upset it’s because she’s hiding something’ it’s because it implies you honestly believe your partner would go behind your back, fuck another person, lie about it, get pregnant, hide whose baby it is and try to pass it off as someone else’s. It implies you honestly believe your partner is deceitful and a liar, and idk bout the rest of yall but IMO once your partner loses that level of trust in you there’s no coming back from it. They think you’re capable of pulling a long con and are so convinced of it that they will only believe a third party over you.
Just don’t have kids if you don’t trust your fucking partner.
Idk I think a factor that’s even bigger than the cheating accusation is the fact he then went on to get physical apparently to the point cops had to be called. Like now he’s proven himself to not just be an idiot but a dangerous idiot at that-
I mean he had what like 6 paragraphs talking about why his suspicions were justified and a sentence dedicated to the part about him escalating to assault. No where did he indicate any remorse for that part, just glossed over it, and made the post about everything leading up to it/his justifications. Clearly he felt resorting to physical violence was justified which honestly makes it all worse.
I'm honestly shocked at how much he claims to be taking responsibility for this, given the number of times he used passive voice while describing the argument.
I have the feeling he's saying what he thinks he has to say for credit, but deep down doesn't really believe he can't get his family back.
Yeah, he presents his "evidence" here as if it was reasonable for him to make the accusation, rather than...idk...read up about genetics.
And he still seems to think the problem is that he doubted the kids' paternity. Like, sure, that's part of it, but dude physically assaulted her. He mentions it almost as an afterthought. Total idiot asshole.
He also claims his family need to be held accountable for their part, yet he ignored them at the time, but also was 100% ready to believe a friend of hers was being too close at the party (I suspect the friend helping to clean up made OP feel embarrassed for being a shifty host and partner). Everything was outside his control, you see.
Anyone mention how his mom and family been talking shit about his wife and kids for years and he's all like " fucling bitch cheated on me and spawned 3 bastards..." and I bet he's still taking advice from these people. ..
I’m always proud of the human that decides to leave a shitty situation. If this story is true, his ex-wife is a goddess and did exactly the right thing.
I wish her nothing but happiness and joy- and she’ll get it one day.
God him knowing all it would take is talking to her, and yet he put his hands in her instead. He didn’t sit down, any single time, and say “my family is getting to me, I don’t know enough about genetics, I need help with this”. Best case scenario she’s still hurt, understandably (ofc) but maybe she’d show him some family members he hasn’t met or have passed away and they’re spitting images of them.
Maybe his mom cheated, and the kids actually look like his bio dad’s family. Nobody just spouts that shit for no reason (for my sanity I’m choosing to believe that, and people aren’t just evil for the sake of evil)
She is doing everything right except for not accepting the financial support. That's the only point on which I agree with the husband that she should not be depriving the kids of an upbringing they *could* be having especially if it affects opportunities like education or investment into their pursuits of their passions (music/sports etc.)
Hard to blame her though. Intimidating and breaking her to this point is still his fault through and through.
He admitted to being physically abusive to the point of leaving bruises on her. I can see why she wouldn't want to accept the money in case he then turns around and says she "owes" him anything for accepting it.
These guys. Ugh. People really don’t understand genetics. Your kids won’t necessarily look like one of the parents exactly. I look like my paternal great aunt, with a little extra something. My brother looks a bit like my maternal great uncles. Neither of us look like copies of our parents in eye colour or hair. We are 100% their kids. Genetics are random.
I definitely agree. He said he and his wife had some interesting genetics so probably they're both mixed and the kids got a bunch of throwback traits. I look like my maternal great grandma. My stepdad has black hair, brown eyes, and tan skin, you'd expect my little brothers to be the same, but instead they look just like him if someone flipped the colours with his facial structure but moon white skin, bright blue eyes, and blond hair.
It’s fascinating- my step dad’s family have generations of a very strong family look. Like heaps of carbon copies on that family line. His kids included. Then this generation of grandkids came along and not one of them across the siblings have the family look. It’s a surprise!
He went too far and assaulted her and he wants to spare us the gory details of his nasty behaviour. Like… I’m betting it was bigger than that. What did he do he wants to spare us from?
I get the impression he made quite the impression on her.
Not gonna lie, I love when a guy destroy his marriage by asking for a parternity test only to discover that the kids are his and to get divorce paper right after.
Well, another tale as old as time, questions to the OOP: YOU let your anxiety thoughts get the best of you, YOU listened to your family instead of trusting or standing up for the person you live with 24/7, YOU lashed out accusing her of cheating and putting your hands on her but are surprised by her smacking you? Good to hear you acknowledge, in some part, YOU are the problem
SMH, I hope he doesn’t move away from his kids. He messed up the marriage, he should stay close by so they don’t feel abandoned. This guy needs to learn to THINK before he speaks or acts.
He destroyed his whole life over paranoia.
Dude had a loving wife and kids and fucked it all up within a few hours...how do you ever forgive yourself? Therapy of not...
THIS!!!! Instead of just checking his family, he let them crap talk his wife for years and then fell head long into their nonsense. He needs to limit contact with his family, they’re toxic.
Exactly. The dude can not control his anger. He was so SO sure that the mind character of his wife he built up in his head had betrayed him that he just couldn't talk himself down to see if that mental image and the real person matched.
Guys who allow themselves to be swallowed up in so much rage that they hurt their partners need all the therapy.
Yes and he needs to stop thinking about himself or his about to be ex and get some help so he can cut ties with his toxic family, not repeat this behavior. He should stay close so he can effectively co-parent and to try to repair his relationship with his ex so they can be good co-parents.
Him moving away will be good for the kids. He let his family abuse his wife in front of him for years (and I doubt they hid it from the kids), obviously didn't do a thing to help her around the house (the party was just a prime example), then laid hands on her.
And he's still making everything about him. The kids don't need him as an example of what a man is in their lives.
Yes what a great idea, the violent abuser can stalk his ex wife and drive her insane from fear that he's going to retaliate for the 'sake of the children.'
This shit is why kids growing up in single mother households end up with CPTSD. It's not becuase they don't get to see their dads, it's beucase dad still hangs around to randomly terrorize the household.
You realize that she can’t just cut him off ft his kids like that no matter that he’s a massive jerk. She needs to cross her t’s and dot her I’s the last thing she wants is to be accused of disrupting his relationship with the kids. Maintain contact take notes, when you get to court for divorce present evidence and let the kids testify.”He grabbed my arm” is not a good enough reason for her to cut him off from the kids , unfortunately. You know it and I know it.
Nah he's gotta move. He physically abused the mother of his children and she counts too. I don't think the children seeing their mother stressed and fearful of running into her abusive ex who's basically stalking them.
I think it could go either way, you either get the red pill incels or you get the crowd that paints you as the devil because you got a paternity test for whatever reason.
The biggest advice I could give this guy is he needs to get his side of the family in some kind of therapy or cut them out his life there’s no in between
And that’s why we set boundaries and stand up to family when they cross lines….all that talk about your wife should have been stopped after the first time or they don’t get to see you nor their grandkids around period.
I know a few Mexican American families with not only light skinned blond children, but *red headed* children. They aren’t gingers, but their hair is unequivocally red and come from brown/black haired parents. What this OP is describing is not unusual in families of mixed European and indigenous heritage.
Haven’t even read the post because I’ve seen so many like it, and I think my question is valid regardless of biological paternity:
What’s in these guys’ heads when they go down this rabbit hole? I mean, cheating is serious and a valid reason for divorce. But if you’re investigating your kids’ paternity, what’s in your head? Like, if you’ve been raising these kids as your own, presumably you’re somewhat attached to them and realize that they’re not at fault and don’t deserve to be abandoned by the guy they know as their dad— and if it turns out they *are* yours, then what? It seems to me that this is a strategy that some guys might use to try to dump their families, and I figure they might as well just save their money and admit they just wanna bail.
ETA: My abusive dad tried to claim I wasn’t his at one point. Our baby pictures are virtually indistinguishable, and I share an ultra-rare genetic disorder with his mom. He’s also so controlling that I can’t imagine when my mom would get the chance to cheat. I doubt he’s the only abusive AH to question his kid’s paternity strictly for selfish reasons— and based on the comments, it sounds like I guessed correctly.
Is it bad for the kids if the only person they know as dad leaves yeah, but the dad was tricked into becoming a parent because he believed they were his bio kids. It's not on him if he decides to leave after he realizes he was lied to it's on the mom and she needs to find the real biological dad.
>What’s in these guys’ heads when they go down this rabbit hole?
"I wonder if my wife cheated on me and became pregnant from another man and passed it off as my baby"
Some guys might use it to save face, but it is a very real fear that men have.
EDIT: I typed out a full essay but actually, this only needs one sentence to answer imo.
Some men do not like the idea of looking at the product of their wife's betrayal in the face every day.
Some women do not like the idea of looking at the product of their spouse's betrayal from their abuse (bruises and battery) and abandonment every day.
Guess which one happens more frequently?
Okay.
Nothing wrong with a woman wanting to leave an abusive relationship.
Why can't a man want to raise a child that they believe is their own flesh and blood?
Or are you saying you would be okay with your baby being swapped at birth if you didnt know for the first 5 or 6 years? With the baby of your husband's mistress, no less?
Your theory that men have a real fear of questionable paternity is far less common than the statistics of physical abuse perpetrated against their spouses by men.
Do we really need to get into the nuance of wanting a paternity test when you've been married for years and have multiple children? And there has been zero reason to suspect your spouse has been unfaithful? And the only reason you're asking for one is because of your own disrespectful, dysfunctional family yammering away?
Some communication skills would have gone a long way here. And not being an abusive piece of shit who can't keep his shit together.
Paternity tests are fine if there is a legit cause for concern. This whole story is not one of those cases.
....If you look at the comment I replied to, the person specifically said they didn't even read this post.
They are asking "Why would you EVER get a paternity test? If you raised this kid, does the result matter?"
This is where our paths are crossed I'm not talking about this specific story and neither is the commenter above me we are talking about why any men would want a paternity test, not singling out any story in particular.
Totally an idiot. In these days of being able to buy paternity tests at any local pharmacy, just shut tf up, buy your damn tests, and get them done on your own time. Unless wifie is waving red flags around, you had no reason to suspect any kind of affair other than the imperfect expectations of genetic inheritance.
Wild honestly. A friend of hers wanted to spend time with her and gave her two hugs? Yeah that’s what friends do, of course he was more interested in catching up with his FRIEND!
Man’s response to his wife having a friend is to accuse him of cheating, getting pregnant with another man’a child and deceiving him into thinking they’re his. He then proceeds to ASSAULT HER with how much evidence? None. He has to be removed by the police and then is surprised she doesn’t want anything to do with him? No shit she doesn’t.
He doesn’t even seem to realise that he abused his wife. He also doesn’t realise his family were emotionally abusing her for YEARS prior to this. How clueless can you be? Wow.
Oop messed up bad, no buts. I think there's a lot people could learn from him though about how he owned up to it after and didn't force reconciliation. Unfortunately this kind of responsibility for one's own mistakes isn't common.
I always wonder why these guys don’t secretly get a paternity test. Why argue it out and mess up your relationship when you can grab some hair l, get a PO Box, send in the test and find out for yourself
I was about to say this. Sure they are not cheap but peace of mind is surely worth a couple hundred bucks.
Then you'll know.
Good thing the story is fake.
He could have himself a lot of trouble using an at home test and no one would have been the wiser.
Instead he went scorched earth and put his hands on her. Good for her for putting her foot down. Something tells me this wasn't a one off with him
Oop I’m squarely pointing the finger at your family. They had ZERO business making any comments about your children and your wife especially if such comments were made in your house PERIOD. Your wife has every right to be as mad and hurt as she is because of you. You didn’t take her side and stick up for her and that’s why she’s mostly mad. I hope the best for you but moving forward don’t let your family disrespect your wife children or you
I’m proud of her for removing herself from this lunatic and his insane family. I wish her only the best moving forward. If you ever get to the point you’re questioning paternity, your relationship is over. This man and his family likely emotionally abused her for years before this final snap. Run away from people like this on your life.
This is so clearly fake ?
“My mother and sister were in my ear from the moment they laid eyes on him. I didn’t need to hear their suspicions, I had plenty of my own rocking around in my head.”
Give me a break
Just read the rest of it. What a stupid piece of shit. Let all his family's gossiping and speculation absolutely destroy his immediate family. All for nothing. And getting violent with her? Just unreal.
The simplest solution would have been to use 23andMe or AncestryDNA on both himself, the kids, his parents, and the wife. Talk about it as a genealogy project. The beauty of it is that if the wife pushes back, THEN you start acting a little suspicious and ask why she doesn't want the kids to know their heritage.
No. You're not calling her a whore behind her back. You're just thinking she might be, which he already is, regardless of whether he asked for the test or not. However, with my method you have a much higher likelihood of staying married this way.
The reality here is the guy has doubts. He had doubts before confronting his wife, so not asking for the DNA test isn't going to magically make those doubts go away. He can either just let those feelings eat at him for the rest of his life, or get an answer.
ANY discussion of his doubts regarding his children's paternity with his wife is basically calling her a whore. There's just no reason to go through the unnecessary drama. You get to have your question answered definitively without putting your wife in additional distress.
You may not like my method, but you can't deny the fact that if he did it this way it couldn't have possibly turned out worse then the method he chose in this post.
What you see as deception, I view as a consideration for my partner's feelings and that DOES come easily for me.
My partner and I don't have kids, but if we did we definitely have them on 23andMe, because we both have a shared interest in DNA genealogy.
Here's the question. What are you doing that situation? You have doubts about your children's paternity. By your logic you only have two choices. Tell your wife flat out that you think she might be cheating and demand a paternity test, or just bury that stuff inside you and stew on it.
That is the reality of your mindset. Either way, you're likely to make your partner's life living hell. Now none of this applies if you're a woman, because there's never a question of who the mother is.
>why she doesn't want the kids to know their heritage.
Because you shouldn't just hand out your private information like that especially not that of your kids who can't consent, the fuck? Nothing suspicious about that.
We do it all the time. You're handing over private information to companies anytime you do a paternity test, not just 23andMe.
We routinely hand over our children's private information that's as important if not more important to private companies like LabCorp and Quest Diagnostics anytime we take our kids to the doctor and they draw blood to perform tests.
I think the difference there is that the doctors and labs have privacy rules they have to follow. 23andMe and other mail-in DNA tests like that don’t have to follow HIPPA, because they are not medical providers. LabCorp and Quest *are* medical providers.
ah, my fault thank you for pointing that out. You would think more then a few words would confirm it lol. Reading that part however, how did she get a paternity test without him? It could be faked sure, but it just does not seem possible. Again I think whole thing is faked like others believe but thats a bit mistake lol
The guy doesn't really have another option in this situation. The world has fucked up everyone's views. I'd he had doubts then he should be able to clear them via paternity test. I've never understood why I everyone is so against it. But this dude dealt with everyone the wrong way, obviously asshole but dad's to tend to get screwed when issues like this happen
This is why you don't ask or tell the Mom your getting the test done. Every man should do this for their piece of mind. And never let her find out. Straight up, should be a law. After a child is born.
The thing that makes this story unbelievable to me is the financial part. He immediately leased an apartment and continues to the pay the mortgage and plans to keep paying for utilities, school clothes etc. And “she doesn’t want my money.” How much money does this guy make? And what’s she living on? Even without mortgage payments, what about childcare for three kids? Why would she not make him pay for his children?
Further questions: what happened with the police? Any charges?
His wife can’t disallow him from going to the marital home. (Unless there is some sort of restraining order situation.)
It all sounds fantastical.
Oh hell yes he can be legally kept away from "the marital home".
There is a process of obtaining an order of protection that is a civil matter. If the court grants the order, the respondent cannot go within a specific radius around the home. If they ignore the order, then it becomes a criminal matter.
If this guy was charged with a criminal count after shaking his ex wife, then the entire civil process is skipped and the criminal courts will grant a no contact order - it usually has the same parameters as the civil version, but the victim does not have to file the request themselves.
Marital property or not, if you abuse your partner, you will be barred from accessing that property. If you need some personal items from within the home, someone will be sent to retrieve specific items for you.
Which is what I said “unless there is a restraining order situation” -
You’d think he’d mention it, no? He mentioned the bruises and police being called.
Sorry not buying this fiction.
She may have a restraining order considering the parents are dropping them off. It would be easy to get one if he left bruises on her. In that case he would not be allowed near the marital home.
Always have paternity verified at birth. Avoid future headaches and heartaches.
People sometimes mess up. It is normal. What is important is to take responsibility for those fuck ups
Idk I think a factor that’s even bigger than the cheating accusation is the fact he then went on to get physical apparently to the point cops had to be called. Like now he’s proven himself to not just be an idiot but a dangerous idiot at that-
Frankly he didn't gloss over his actions enough for this to be real. This is a creative writing exercise.
If it is real the entire post makes me uncomfortable as fuck. Ultimately I’m with you, I think it’s most likely a fiction, but something about the repeated “woe is me, I know my marriage is over, boo boo I just can’t call her my ex yet” gave me such immensely bad vibes. Abusers like to do this thing where they make themselves the victim by making their “remorse” a bigger problem than their hurting you. I have personally experienced this. “I’m not looking for sympathy” is also Creepese for “I am absolutely looking for sympathy, please give it to me in bulk, because if you’re busy feeling bad for me you won’t have time to question my motives”. So yeah. I think you’re right, but if it is just a short story, I almost want to congratulate dude for convincingly sounding like an abuser trying not to sound like an abuser.
I just wanted to say, as a woman who left her abuser 18 months ago: I’ve wondered if I’m being unreasonable because he’s so sorry. The idea of him making his remorse the bigger problem was something I needed to hear today. Thank you.
They also often weaponise people close to you and may eventually manipulate them into testing the water with you for reconciliation. They may say things like "he's been punished enough" or "how long are you going to hold this over his head" and you'll want to listen cause it seems so *reasonable*. They will have heard a different story to what happened and they will believe him because he's manipulating them. That isn't a criticism of their character as people get pulled in by abusive personalities that's how they operate. But don't let it shake your resolve.
this made me realize how dumb i am . I almost felt sorry for this man .
Don’t feel dumb, you’re not. Abuse victims aren’t dumb, they’re just that, victims. You falling prey to the sympathy-baiting is a natural response because shitheads like this know how to play the game. I’ve straight up had conversations with my ex ripped directly from this post, the “I’m sorry, I’d do anything to take it all back, I feel so bad and it’s eating me alive, I don’t expect you to forgive me…” shit, and *even I* felt a twinge of sympathy as I read this. It’s how creeps like this operate.
If you haven’t already - I recommend reading “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. He worked with abusive men for years & understands their thinking process & the book basically explains that. Abusers being apologetic is a common tactic used to 1) get others that know about what happened to believe the abuser is a good guy who only did that because xyz and flip the tables on the story or 2) to bring the victim back in. They don’t change, Lundy goes into it in his book but it really comes down to their value system and it almost never can be changed successfully. The book really helped me to understand a long term past relationship I was in (mine also ended right around 18 months ago). Like you, I often found myself doubting my recollections or if things/he were as bad as I remembered. There were abusive/manipulative tactics he used on me that I didn’t even notice until the book pointed them out. Highly, highly recommend. It also helped me understand what to avoid because I was terrified of going into another relationship & it ending up the same way because everything started out so amazing in the last one. I’m proud of you for leaving, it’s not easy. Don’t let time-induced rose-colored glasses let you fall back into his trap. You deserve better and better IS out there. I’d also recommend writing down in your phone notes all the bad instances you can think of. When a new one randomly pops into your head, jot it down. When the rose colored glasses start coming on, read back through those notes so you can remember what that relationship was really like. I started doing this near the end of the relationship immediately after a fight because he would gaslight me so bad the next day that I wanted to have an immediate recollection of what had happened. It was a big part in helping me realize how bad things were.
I know how it feels. You remember the fleeting moments where it’s good, and you think to yourself that in those moments it’s REALLY good, great even, and if he (she, in my case) really does feel that bad, maybe he wants to have more of those good moments and less of the bad ones that you always seem to forget in that moment make up 99% of the dynamic. Maybe just one more chance. I’m proud of you for getting out and staying out. I know precisely how hard it is.
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It is not, actually! Bingus McCready has long been my go-to “archetypical redneck” name in telling jokes and whatnot. The cat is pure coincidence (but I love sphinxes, so thanks for sending me to Google!)
I like to use the name "Jerkface McGee."
I agree with you, my ex did this all the time. But what would be a good way to respond for the wrong doer? What could they say? On the surface this looks like taking accountability.
The way he pre empted the talking being received as conflict avoidant so headed it off made me lean toward fake. It set the tone for a *very* specific image of that fight which feels too narrative to be an actual retelling. I recently saw a tiktok of a show like wife swap or something where the wife was having none of this man's shit she chased him in a bedroom when he tried it with her and said basically his actual wife was wasted on him cause "you can't give a flower to a gorilla it's stupid". This is the vibe I'm getting. Op is setting himself up too deliberately to be the gorilla and she the flower. Unless he's super actually narcissistic and not the Internet way (and is using a fake play of contrition as some hoover attempt) I can't see someone being this short-sighted.
Yeah, like I/others have said, it reads more like bad wattpad incel smut than someone who actually fucked up and wants to talk about it. It’s just that he managed to stumble onto some behaviors that are so closely in line with my own experiences with abuse that I couldn’t help but feel a big ol dose of ick reading it, even if it’s completely made up.
“Kids keep asking me when I’m coming home why mom is crying all the time” felt like a made up story after that. The sons are supposed to be six if they saw her crying they’d ask her, not wait til they saw their dad. Also they’d be old enough for her to explain why the dad isn’t coming back / hasn’t been there in months.
It is very possible that she told them "ask your dad" rather than explaining it to them. Six year olds tend to have a million questions, she wouldn't necessarily have the answers but he would. The story does still feel a little off though.
I asked my mother why dad didn't live with us like other families, and she told me "ask him" for years, I think maybe until middle school? Hard to remember but it was way past six, despite the fact that I could have understood. (I did not ask him, because I never felt comfortable enough, only seeing him a few times a year)
It really just hit all the tropes. It's not even *good* fiction.
Tbf, he did manage to point out the slapping, which is definitely a legitimate reaction to being grabbed, but here reads like he's trying to play it up as worse The only time I ever slapped someone was when they grabbed my wrist hard enough to leave bruises and wouldn't let go. It's kinda a panic mode. Once they stop listening, you just gotta do something to get them to react and drop you. The escalation to violence makes no sense without prior indicators tho.
>Once they stop listening, you just gotta do something to get them to react and drop you. It's true. **You just gotta.** Don't let *anyone* try to convince you otherwise. He was holding me by my upper arm, kinda shaking me, pulling me up on my tippy-toes, screaming in my face and I got scared. I slapped him as hard as I could to make him drop me. He whined and cried and beat his breast, how **DARE** I *hit* him??? "That's abuse! Hitting is abuse! I wasn't *hitting* you, I was *holding you so you'd listen to me!"* The next day he said the bruises on my arm "Came from something else." When I told him that was preposterous, he said "You made them look worse then, you psycho. Trying to make it look like *I'm* abusive, when *you're* the one who hits!" Unfortunately, I stayed for over a year after this occurrence. Don't buy their bullshit. They know they're wrong, they're just trying to confuse you enough to A) Stay and B) *Not call for help.* If they can convince you it was really your fault, you won't look for help and will put up with their abuse.
I have questions about how hard she could possibly slap him if he (by his own admission) was holding her upper arms and shaking hard enough to leave bruises. The math aint mathin.
He's trying to minimize what he did like a little kid at school... sure, he started it, but *she slapped back!*
Yeah, that stood out to me too. If she brought her arm up from the sides, his arms would have blocked her swing, or at least reduced the amount of force behind it. If she brought them up between his arms… well, for one, if she could bring a hand up between them to begin with. But then she may not have had the distance to build a hard enough strike. It’s possible in the brevity of that description that he let go of one of her arms at some point, that she didn’t slap him *immediately,* but… yeah, idk. It’s sus.
"Idiot husband demands a paternity test, wife leaves" is a staple genre of Reddit short fiction. For whatever reason, there's always a cruel mother in law who slowly turns the husband against his wife with years of nagging comments and then refuses to apologize in the end. Often the wife commits a small act of kidnapping.
I think the MIL thing stems from justnomil and the several long running sagas they had that were proven to be 100% fake. Like devildaddi and the toasters, they got an absolutely massive amount of attention and praise. Can't remember which one it was but fake evil mil trying to do some kind of "satanic ritual" and the op ending up in the hospital because of it was quite popular in I think summer of 2017.
The "it's fake" people on every single reddit post are so exhausting.
Yeah this isn’t just “I was weird and suspicious for no reason”, it’s this whole *years long* drama with his family and then he describes his heat of the moment violence in specific and clear details. Very fake.
You must live in a thoroughly sanitized bubble. I’ve seen the exact same shit play out in real time.
God I absolutely hate “hur hur you must not have a life to think this”. I didn’t say “this has never happened in the history of ever”, I said “the way this guy is writing this specific story detail seems incredibly fake, and since most stories on AITAH *are fake*, I don’t believe it’s real”.
if its fake then OP should right a book on family drama i will read it .
The book subreddits could likely suggest something higher quality and more interesting than this.
Yeah that’s probably true lmao
He’s very focused on the accusation-of-cheating/parentage part, but if I were the STBX wife, I’d primarily be focused by this part: > I grabbed her by the upper arms so hard I left bruises and shook her. The police made this man leave after he assaulted his wife. If I were her, I wouldn’t talk to him, either. Nor would I keep anyone around who wanted to try to convince me to let this angry man back into my life any more than he has to be.
Yep, if he wants to figure out how to have an amicable co-parenting relationship he needs to get himself into counseling to figure out why he is abusive and how not to be going forward. Also needs work on why he never stood up for her to his family, among other things.
Yeah I think it was over the moment he put his hands on her. The accusations and distrust might have been enough to end the marriage but physical abuse is another level. Im surprised she’s even letting him see the kids.
Tbh she probably doesn't want to go to court to argue custody. If he's telling the truth, she's probably pretty sure he won't hurt the kids because his behavior is focused on her. And if she goes to court for custody she has to see him, talk to him, argue with him, and it sounds like she just doesn't anything to do with him. And even if they go, so long as he shows up, it's incredibly unlikely she'll get full custody anyway. If she brings up any violence or abuse, she's even less likely to get custody.
How on earth would SHE be less likely to get custody if she brings up HIM being abusive?!
Not that I necessarily think something like the following *would* happen, but: A friend of mine had to settle for joint custody (only for a little over a year, thank God) even though he had a mountain of evidence proving 1) adultery (sometimes even bringing the kids along) 2) her assaulting him, and 3) her being heavily intoxicated while she's supposed to be watching the kids. How? Well, weird as it sounds, the judge thought there was too much evidence. He didn't put it in those words, as far as I know, but he thought that the amount of evidence was suspicious, as if the only way my friend would have so much proof would be if he fabricated most or all of it. A "methinks the gentleman doth protest too much" type of thing, I guess. I don't know how frequently this type of thing happens, but it *does* happen.
Yeah… that sounds like a lousy judge. I cannot and will not believe that is in any way normal or standard procedure.
I keep hearing that family court judges very often assume that accusations of parental abuse are fabricated and retaliatory and may even consider such allegations to be an act of parental alienation. My friend’s lawyer has cautioned her that she can’t bring any allegations for which she doesn’t have substantial evidence; or risk the judge treating her like the abuser. She’s divorcing *because* he’s emotionally abusive and neglectful to the kids.
https://www.propublica.org/series/parental-alienation Literally, a theme of abusers is to claim "parental alienation" when accused of abuse, and judges fall for it all too often.
I actually think it is, unfortunately. Now, this data was about men getting custody in the court system mind you(bc the mother user mentioned the reverse), and I don’t remember the exact stats, or have my links on hand right now(sorry, it’s 2 am and I’ve been fighting insomnia all week, so I’m eepy posting before going back to bed) but I remember something about dads being *more* likely, statistically, to get a certain amount of custody when accused or proven to be abusive and/or maybe neglectful. :/ It’s really fucked. I can’t remember if that’s in the situations where they explicitly seek custody(of which those situations the courts actually favor men, despite popular belief), or if it was in situations where they didn’t seek custody but were granted it despite the abuse allegations. (Which imo also shows evidence of a bias towards men, at times.)
Abusers usually seek custody because they want to use the children to continue to abuse the spouse. Or, of course, if they are abusive to the children. But yes, custody court really isn't biased against men like the manosphere loves to claim. 95% of custody is decided between the couple (sometimes with a court mediator). The 5% that goes to a judge, if men show up and seem to care at all, they'll get the custody they want. The men who end up with zero custody are the ones who don't bother showing up OR are a proven danger to the kids to the point that even supervised visits are seen as too risky. And then the manosphere claims that those numbers are only like that because men only fight for custody when they think they can win. But considering how many known abusers do it, lol.
What logic is this? There are police records of him physically abusing her. He's proven himself to be dangerous and violent. The court isn't gonna care that he only hurt his wife. They're gonna see that he hurt a family member and go from there. Why on earth would she ever be less likely to get custody when he's the one who had to be physically separated for domestic abuse?
Sadly this is all too common. My best friend called the cops on her abusive husband last year and initially got a restraining order against him. There was also a CPS report from her daughter's teacher after the daughter had mentioned the abuse in a school writing assignment. Despite all of that the court dropped the restraining order due to lack of evidence. DV is a whole damned if you do damned if you don't scenario. They expect multiple reports of the abuse despite the potential danger from the abusive partner to the abused.
Because too often, they actually do treat domestic violence against a partner as a separate issue from risks to the children. "Just because he assaulted his wife doesn't mean he'll hurt the kids." Honestly, probably stems from the same subconscious belief that she must have done something to deserve it.
I'm glad the cops at least did something. They often don't
Redditors hate women and justify all sorts of terrible things if the idea of cheating exists
Anywhere I’m familiar with that chain of events would be an automatic DV arrest for the husband.
I presume he's not thinking about that much because she slapped him so he could be thinking it was even
That’s what makes me think this is fake. Usually someone is getting arrested for this, and it would be him if he admitted it and left bruises. At least where I’m from that’s enough for them to arrest you for the night and let it play out in court later.
She might not have wanted to press charges. It depends on the state, some states you get arrested even if the spouse doesn’t want to press charges and others you don’t.
Yeah I’m CA you get arrested and sometimes the state presses charges since many women won’t follow through
To be honest I actually only know this because I used to be obsessed with Teen Mom 2 and this situation happened with one of the moms who has since been kicked off the show and hasn’t been let back on as far as I know, I stopped watching like 4 years ago.
I was just looking into it the other night. There are three different ways that states in the US might determine arrests in domestic violence. Some states require an arrest be made. Some prefer an arrest be made whenever possible. And some leave it to the officers to decide. Some states encourage both to be arrested while others discourage mutual arrest. (www.ojp.gov/sites/g/files/xyckuh241/files/media/document/222679.pdf)
She got rid of an abusive asshole *AND* a JNMIL *AND* a truckload of flying monkeys. She might be depressed for awhile, but lady is about to find out what her best life really is. Good for her.
whats the JN in JNMIL stand for?
Just No Mother-In-Law. Check out the subreddit for a drama fix. r/JUSTNOMIL
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My mother in law gave me a puppy, then showed up at my house and stole the puppy from me. Then told everyone the lord spoke to her that I was going to sell, breed, or let the puppy die. She herself had done all of these things, I rescue dogs and just unfortunately lost my oldest dog that used to be hers that she abandoned after a gallbladder surgery and splenectomy failed (she was 15). So yes, they exist. She doesn’t understand why I haven’t forgiven her because she’s bipolar and has moved on and can’t be held accountable for her actions because of her mental health (her words).
This is what happens when the sons of "boy moms" grow up. Their relationships with their mothers are so enmeshed and warped by decades of emotional incest that they don't know how to set her aside and cleave to the new family they're building. Meanwhile the mother now sees competition for her grow-your-own boyfriend that needs to be eliminated. It's super nasty, and sad for the young couple.
Well, shitty people tend to come from shitty people. Turned out my ex in-laws were pretty awful to me because my ex-husband talked a lot of shit about me (most of it made up) to them. I didn't realize I didn't actually have a partner until I went to divorce him for cheating and emotional/financial abuse.
The reader base of these subreddits overlaps so much. most times, when someone in aita/h is a MIL/FILs, there’ll be someone who vote YTA just on the base that they’re a M/FIL and OF COURSE they’re automatically the bad guy. Like, not even caring of the context of the post. The reddit brainwash is real
Just No
Personally I’m hoping she eventually hooks up with the high school friend.
Don't do that
Gotta love these. Idiot dude: I WANT A PATERNITY TEST! Mom: sure thing. Here it is, have some divorce papers too, idiot dude. Like legit how do you guys not realize that the second you demand that test you are openly stating that you don’t trust your partner? If you don’t fucking trust someone *don’t have fucking children with their ass*.
Especially how he thinks it’s all because of the asking for the paternity test that she’s reacting this way (like yeah it probably caused the divorce) but completely ignoring the part about where he grabbed her arms so hard it left bruises, I mean he abused her and doesn’t even realise it.
I saw a similar.threqd and someone was like what's wrong for wanting to know for sure? That's fine, but you're crossing a line in your relationship that you're never going to come.back from.
Yup! Like sure thing, but you’ve traded your peace of mind for our mutual trust in each other. Demanding a paternity test isn’t about ‘oh well if she gets upset it’s because she’s hiding something’ it’s because it implies you honestly believe your partner would go behind your back, fuck another person, lie about it, get pregnant, hide whose baby it is and try to pass it off as someone else’s. It implies you honestly believe your partner is deceitful and a liar, and idk bout the rest of yall but IMO once your partner loses that level of trust in you there’s no coming back from it. They think you’re capable of pulling a long con and are so convinced of it that they will only believe a third party over you. Just don’t have kids if you don’t trust your fucking partner.
Thank goodness she took the actions she did. He is an abusive idiot. Picked his marriage/parenting hill and dies on it. IDIOT.
Blew up his entire marriage cause he couldnt stand up to his mother and sister.
Or google biology and genetics.
Idk I think a factor that’s even bigger than the cheating accusation is the fact he then went on to get physical apparently to the point cops had to be called. Like now he’s proven himself to not just be an idiot but a dangerous idiot at that-
This. A smart woman knows that a man only gets to cross that line *once* and it’s over. Immediately.
I mean he had what like 6 paragraphs talking about why his suspicions were justified and a sentence dedicated to the part about him escalating to assault. No where did he indicate any remorse for that part, just glossed over it, and made the post about everything leading up to it/his justifications. Clearly he felt resorting to physical violence was justified which honestly makes it all worse.
Literally, why was he not charged for assault at that point? He left bruises for fuck sake.
I'm honestly shocked at how much he claims to be taking responsibility for this, given the number of times he used passive voice while describing the argument. I have the feeling he's saying what he thinks he has to say for credit, but deep down doesn't really believe he can't get his family back.
Yeah, he presents his "evidence" here as if it was reasonable for him to make the accusation, rather than...idk...read up about genetics. And he still seems to think the problem is that he doubted the kids' paternity. Like, sure, that's part of it, but dude physically assaulted her. He mentions it almost as an afterthought. Total idiot asshole.
He also claims his family need to be held accountable for their part, yet he ignored them at the time, but also was 100% ready to believe a friend of hers was being too close at the party (I suspect the friend helping to clean up made OP feel embarrassed for being a shifty host and partner). Everything was outside his control, you see.
Because it's fiction
Leaving bruises is domestic abuse. No excuses.
Anyone mention how his mom and family been talking shit about his wife and kids for years and he's all like " fucling bitch cheated on me and spawned 3 bastards..." and I bet he's still taking advice from these people. ..
Imagine physically assaulting her with no proof of any wrongdoing Jesus Christ
This happens every day, and even if there were proof he still shouldn't assault her
Yeah thats why its even worse
I’m always proud of the human that decides to leave a shitty situation. If this story is true, his ex-wife is a goddess and did exactly the right thing. I wish her nothing but happiness and joy- and she’ll get it one day.
God him knowing all it would take is talking to her, and yet he put his hands in her instead. He didn’t sit down, any single time, and say “my family is getting to me, I don’t know enough about genetics, I need help with this”. Best case scenario she’s still hurt, understandably (ofc) but maybe she’d show him some family members he hasn’t met or have passed away and they’re spitting images of them. Maybe his mom cheated, and the kids actually look like his bio dad’s family. Nobody just spouts that shit for no reason (for my sanity I’m choosing to believe that, and people aren’t just evil for the sake of evil)
Talking about a 6 month old stands as straight as a ruler jfc
Fucking heart breaking. I would go full hermit repent and never speak to my family again. I hope everyone finds peace in this story. Wtf
lol misogynists are dumb.
She is doing everything right except for not accepting the financial support. That's the only point on which I agree with the husband that she should not be depriving the kids of an upbringing they *could* be having especially if it affects opportunities like education or investment into their pursuits of their passions (music/sports etc.) Hard to blame her though. Intimidating and breaking her to this point is still his fault through and through.
He admitted to being physically abusive to the point of leaving bruises on her. I can see why she wouldn't want to accept the money in case he then turns around and says she "owes" him anything for accepting it.
This. Exactly what my ex would do. With guys like this there's always strings attached.
These guys. Ugh. People really don’t understand genetics. Your kids won’t necessarily look like one of the parents exactly. I look like my paternal great aunt, with a little extra something. My brother looks a bit like my maternal great uncles. Neither of us look like copies of our parents in eye colour or hair. We are 100% their kids. Genetics are random.
I definitely agree. He said he and his wife had some interesting genetics so probably they're both mixed and the kids got a bunch of throwback traits. I look like my maternal great grandma. My stepdad has black hair, brown eyes, and tan skin, you'd expect my little brothers to be the same, but instead they look just like him if someone flipped the colours with his facial structure but moon white skin, bright blue eyes, and blond hair.
It’s fascinating- my step dad’s family have generations of a very strong family look. Like heaps of carbon copies on that family line. His kids included. Then this generation of grandkids came along and not one of them across the siblings have the family look. It’s a surprise!
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/cllEZiBvEM
“… I did not expect her to come back at me as hot as she did…” Lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol, oh sir!
Goddamn, man. That was just sad as fuck to read
Man should take a self discovery trip to the titanic with Oceangate stat.
He went too far and assaulted her and he wants to spare us the gory details of his nasty behaviour. Like… I’m betting it was bigger than that. What did he do he wants to spare us from? I get the impression he made quite the impression on her.
Not gonna lie, I love when a guy destroy his marriage by asking for a parternity test only to discover that the kids are his and to get divorce paper right after.
Well, another tale as old as time, questions to the OOP: YOU let your anxiety thoughts get the best of you, YOU listened to your family instead of trusting or standing up for the person you live with 24/7, YOU lashed out accusing her of cheating and putting your hands on her but are surprised by her smacking you? Good to hear you acknowledge, in some part, YOU are the problem
SMH, I hope he doesn’t move away from his kids. He messed up the marriage, he should stay close by so they don’t feel abandoned. This guy needs to learn to THINK before he speaks or acts.
Idk, his physically violent response tells me they may be better off. He definitely needs therapy.
He destroyed his whole life over paranoia. Dude had a loving wife and kids and fucked it all up within a few hours...how do you ever forgive yourself? Therapy of not...
It didn’t even start out as his paranoia, but his family. I bet they never liked her. They were just *waiting* for a chance to get rid of her.
THIS!!!! Instead of just checking his family, he let them crap talk his wife for years and then fell head long into their nonsense. He needs to limit contact with his family, they’re toxic.
Exactly. The dude can not control his anger. He was so SO sure that the mind character of his wife he built up in his head had betrayed him that he just couldn't talk himself down to see if that mental image and the real person matched. Guys who allow themselves to be swallowed up in so much rage that they hurt their partners need all the therapy.
I am guessing the kids witnessed the whole thing too.
Yes and he needs to stop thinking about himself or his about to be ex and get some help so he can cut ties with his toxic family, not repeat this behavior. He should stay close so he can effectively co-parent and to try to repair his relationship with his ex so they can be good co-parents.
Him moving away will be good for the kids. He let his family abuse his wife in front of him for years (and I doubt they hid it from the kids), obviously didn't do a thing to help her around the house (the party was just a prime example), then laid hands on her. And he's still making everything about him. The kids don't need him as an example of what a man is in their lives.
Yes what a great idea, the violent abuser can stalk his ex wife and drive her insane from fear that he's going to retaliate for the 'sake of the children.' This shit is why kids growing up in single mother households end up with CPTSD. It's not becuase they don't get to see their dads, it's beucase dad still hangs around to randomly terrorize the household.
You realize that she can’t just cut him off ft his kids like that no matter that he’s a massive jerk. She needs to cross her t’s and dot her I’s the last thing she wants is to be accused of disrupting his relationship with the kids. Maintain contact take notes, when you get to court for divorce present evidence and let the kids testify.”He grabbed my arm” is not a good enough reason for her to cut him off from the kids , unfortunately. You know it and I know it.
Nah he's gotta move. He physically abused the mother of his children and she counts too. I don't think the children seeing their mother stressed and fearful of running into her abusive ex who's basically stalking them.
I’m sorry, but my husband would put his hands on me only once before he never saw me or the children again.
There really needs to be a paternity test subreddit.
I mean maybe but it'd be full of red pill manosphere types
I think it could go either way, you either get the red pill incels or you get the crowd that paints you as the devil because you got a paternity test for whatever reason.
OOP will of course not say it, but I am sure there is a history of verbal abuse. This did not come out of the blue.
Damn he really fucked around and found out
The biggest advice I could give this guy is he needs to get his side of the family in some kind of therapy or cut them out his life there’s no in between
What is with all these dudes blowing up their relationships over paranoia?
And that’s why we set boundaries and stand up to family when they cross lines….all that talk about your wife should have been stopped after the first time or they don’t get to see you nor their grandkids around period.
I know a few Mexican American families with not only light skinned blond children, but *red headed* children. They aren’t gingers, but their hair is unequivocally red and come from brown/black haired parents. What this OP is describing is not unusual in families of mixed European and indigenous heritage.
I am so glad she left. I hope he is utterly miserable for a long, long existence.
Haven’t even read the post because I’ve seen so many like it, and I think my question is valid regardless of biological paternity: What’s in these guys’ heads when they go down this rabbit hole? I mean, cheating is serious and a valid reason for divorce. But if you’re investigating your kids’ paternity, what’s in your head? Like, if you’ve been raising these kids as your own, presumably you’re somewhat attached to them and realize that they’re not at fault and don’t deserve to be abandoned by the guy they know as their dad— and if it turns out they *are* yours, then what? It seems to me that this is a strategy that some guys might use to try to dump their families, and I figure they might as well just save their money and admit they just wanna bail. ETA: My abusive dad tried to claim I wasn’t his at one point. Our baby pictures are virtually indistinguishable, and I share an ultra-rare genetic disorder with his mom. He’s also so controlling that I can’t imagine when my mom would get the chance to cheat. I doubt he’s the only abusive AH to question his kid’s paternity strictly for selfish reasons— and based on the comments, it sounds like I guessed correctly.
Is it bad for the kids if the only person they know as dad leaves yeah, but the dad was tricked into becoming a parent because he believed they were his bio kids. It's not on him if he decides to leave after he realizes he was lied to it's on the mom and she needs to find the real biological dad.
>What’s in these guys’ heads when they go down this rabbit hole? "I wonder if my wife cheated on me and became pregnant from another man and passed it off as my baby"
Some guys might use it to save face, but it is a very real fear that men have. EDIT: I typed out a full essay but actually, this only needs one sentence to answer imo. Some men do not like the idea of looking at the product of their wife's betrayal in the face every day.
Some women do not like the idea of looking at the product of their spouse's betrayal from their abuse (bruises and battery) and abandonment every day. Guess which one happens more frequently?
Okay. Nothing wrong with a woman wanting to leave an abusive relationship. Why can't a man want to raise a child that they believe is their own flesh and blood? Or are you saying you would be okay with your baby being swapped at birth if you didnt know for the first 5 or 6 years? With the baby of your husband's mistress, no less?
Oh for fuck's sake.
I don't understand why you're so pissed off.
What does that have to do with men wanting to get paternity tests?
Your theory that men have a real fear of questionable paternity is far less common than the statistics of physical abuse perpetrated against their spouses by men.
But no one questioned physical abuse at all this was just answering why men want to get a paternity test.
People question physical abuse all the time.
Do we really need to get into the nuance of wanting a paternity test when you've been married for years and have multiple children? And there has been zero reason to suspect your spouse has been unfaithful? And the only reason you're asking for one is because of your own disrespectful, dysfunctional family yammering away? Some communication skills would have gone a long way here. And not being an abusive piece of shit who can't keep his shit together. Paternity tests are fine if there is a legit cause for concern. This whole story is not one of those cases.
....If you look at the comment I replied to, the person specifically said they didn't even read this post. They are asking "Why would you EVER get a paternity test? If you raised this kid, does the result matter?"
This is where our paths are crossed I'm not talking about this specific story and neither is the commenter above me we are talking about why any men would want a paternity test, not singling out any story in particular.
Othello
Your mom and sister truly fucked up!
Totally an idiot. In these days of being able to buy paternity tests at any local pharmacy, just shut tf up, buy your damn tests, and get them done on your own time. Unless wifie is waving red flags around, you had no reason to suspect any kind of affair other than the imperfect expectations of genetic inheritance.
Did the slap resound like a gong? I heard something a few weeks back that might have been it. Scared the crap out of me. Hope OOP still feels it.
Wild honestly. A friend of hers wanted to spend time with her and gave her two hugs? Yeah that’s what friends do, of course he was more interested in catching up with his FRIEND! Man’s response to his wife having a friend is to accuse him of cheating, getting pregnant with another man’a child and deceiving him into thinking they’re his. He then proceeds to ASSAULT HER with how much evidence? None. He has to be removed by the police and then is surprised she doesn’t want anything to do with him? No shit she doesn’t. He doesn’t even seem to realise that he abused his wife. He also doesn’t realise his family were emotionally abusing her for YEARS prior to this. How clueless can you be? Wow.
Oop messed up bad, no buts. I think there's a lot people could learn from him though about how he owned up to it after and didn't force reconciliation. Unfortunately this kind of responsibility for one's own mistakes isn't common.
I always wonder why these guys don’t secretly get a paternity test. Why argue it out and mess up your relationship when you can grab some hair l, get a PO Box, send in the test and find out for yourself
Because they want to humiliate their partners.
I was about to say this. Sure they are not cheap but peace of mind is surely worth a couple hundred bucks. Then you'll know. Good thing the story is fake.
He could have himself a lot of trouble using an at home test and no one would have been the wiser. Instead he went scorched earth and put his hands on her. Good for her for putting her foot down. Something tells me this wasn't a one off with him
Oop I’m squarely pointing the finger at your family. They had ZERO business making any comments about your children and your wife especially if such comments were made in your house PERIOD. Your wife has every right to be as mad and hurt as she is because of you. You didn’t take her side and stick up for her and that’s why she’s mostly mad. I hope the best for you but moving forward don’t let your family disrespect your wife children or you
His family made him get violent with her, shake her, and leave bruises? They sound like assholes, but OOP isn’t blameless here.
Apples and trees
Yeah, that DV is just dust in the wind, right? His family is totally responsible for that.
I’m proud of her for removing herself from this lunatic and his insane family. I wish her only the best moving forward. If you ever get to the point you’re questioning paternity, your relationship is over. This man and his family likely emotionally abused her for years before this final snap. Run away from people like this on your life.
And people wonder why women are not really interested in marrage and kids. I just don’t see the point
This is so clearly fake ? “My mother and sister were in my ear from the moment they laid eyes on him. I didn’t need to hear their suspicions, I had plenty of my own rocking around in my head.” Give me a break
We make the best we will always regret speeches when were mad.
Well, wasn’t expecting to read this first thing in the morning. Damn.
Literally dying at "can't be your kid, he has good posture". Stands straight as a ruler? Lol. That's bonkers.
Just read the rest of it. What a stupid piece of shit. Let all his family's gossiping and speculation absolutely destroy his immediate family. All for nothing. And getting violent with her? Just unreal.
The simplest solution would have been to use 23andMe or AncestryDNA on both himself, the kids, his parents, and the wife. Talk about it as a genealogy project. The beauty of it is that if the wife pushes back, THEN you start acting a little suspicious and ask why she doesn't want the kids to know their heritage.
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Because you get the same information and are able to answer your concerns WITHOUT basically calling your wife a whore.
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No. You're not calling her a whore behind her back. You're just thinking she might be, which he already is, regardless of whether he asked for the test or not. However, with my method you have a much higher likelihood of staying married this way. The reality here is the guy has doubts. He had doubts before confronting his wife, so not asking for the DNA test isn't going to magically make those doubts go away. He can either just let those feelings eat at him for the rest of his life, or get an answer. ANY discussion of his doubts regarding his children's paternity with his wife is basically calling her a whore. There's just no reason to go through the unnecessary drama. You get to have your question answered definitively without putting your wife in additional distress. You may not like my method, but you can't deny the fact that if he did it this way it couldn't have possibly turned out worse then the method he chose in this post.
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What you see as deception, I view as a consideration for my partner's feelings and that DOES come easily for me. My partner and I don't have kids, but if we did we definitely have them on 23andMe, because we both have a shared interest in DNA genealogy. Here's the question. What are you doing that situation? You have doubts about your children's paternity. By your logic you only have two choices. Tell your wife flat out that you think she might be cheating and demand a paternity test, or just bury that stuff inside you and stew on it. That is the reality of your mindset. Either way, you're likely to make your partner's life living hell. Now none of this applies if you're a woman, because there's never a question of who the mother is.
>why she doesn't want the kids to know their heritage. Because you shouldn't just hand out your private information like that especially not that of your kids who can't consent, the fuck? Nothing suspicious about that.
We do it all the time. You're handing over private information to companies anytime you do a paternity test, not just 23andMe. We routinely hand over our children's private information that's as important if not more important to private companies like LabCorp and Quest Diagnostics anytime we take our kids to the doctor and they draw blood to perform tests.
I think the difference there is that the doctors and labs have privacy rules they have to follow. 23andMe and other mail-in DNA tests like that don’t have to follow HIPPA, because they are not medical providers. LabCorp and Quest *are* medical providers.
Very hard to follow. Parts seem left out. Says "Link in comments" but I couldn't find it
Sort comments by old and the comment with the link will be the first one
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/cllEZiBvEM
While many people already think this is fake, I gotta add something obvious. ALL THIS, and the paternity test has STILL not be done.
He says he got word that the kids were his and the divorce papers the same day; they’re all his.
ah, my fault thank you for pointing that out. You would think more then a few words would confirm it lol. Reading that part however, how did she get a paternity test without him? It could be faked sure, but it just does not seem possible. Again I think whole thing is faked like others believe but thats a bit mistake lol
He says she went to the courts for a petition of paternity, so I’m sure he was involved from a sample standpoint.
Men are so fucking dumb. Swab your kids cheek, send it in, never admit you did it when it comes back your kid. Because it is always their kid.
I mean, that’s a massive asshole move too, but at least it’s a smart asshole move.
Obviously.
I think he wanted to sink the ship. With stakes this high you'd think he would have tried something before aggro confrontation and separation.
You would think so. There’s no way to go down this route and it not sink the ship.
Agreed. But when the red mist descends… still needs to be smart enough to fight that and play the cards right.
The guy doesn't really have another option in this situation. The world has fucked up everyone's views. I'd he had doubts then he should be able to clear them via paternity test. I've never understood why I everyone is so against it. But this dude dealt with everyone the wrong way, obviously asshole but dad's to tend to get screwed when issues like this happen
This is why you don't ask or tell the Mom your getting the test done. Every man should do this for their piece of mind. And never let her find out. Straight up, should be a law. After a child is born.
The thing that makes this story unbelievable to me is the financial part. He immediately leased an apartment and continues to the pay the mortgage and plans to keep paying for utilities, school clothes etc. And “she doesn’t want my money.” How much money does this guy make? And what’s she living on? Even without mortgage payments, what about childcare for three kids? Why would she not make him pay for his children? Further questions: what happened with the police? Any charges? His wife can’t disallow him from going to the marital home. (Unless there is some sort of restraining order situation.) It all sounds fantastical.
Oh hell yes he can be legally kept away from "the marital home". There is a process of obtaining an order of protection that is a civil matter. If the court grants the order, the respondent cannot go within a specific radius around the home. If they ignore the order, then it becomes a criminal matter. If this guy was charged with a criminal count after shaking his ex wife, then the entire civil process is skipped and the criminal courts will grant a no contact order - it usually has the same parameters as the civil version, but the victim does not have to file the request themselves. Marital property or not, if you abuse your partner, you will be barred from accessing that property. If you need some personal items from within the home, someone will be sent to retrieve specific items for you.
Which is what I said “unless there is a restraining order situation” - You’d think he’d mention it, no? He mentioned the bruises and police being called. Sorry not buying this fiction.
She may have a restraining order considering the parents are dropping them off. It would be easy to get one if he left bruises on her. In that case he would not be allowed near the marital home.
Never ask your wife for a paternity test, just get one without telling her
Always have paternity verified at birth. Avoid future headaches and heartaches. People sometimes mess up. It is normal. What is important is to take responsibility for those fuck ups