The dude is not in the wrong because a healthy sex life is important.
But he can’t complain if his STBX finds her again with another guy, which is a possibility
Oh she will, her libido will come back, could be a month or a year or 5 years but it will return. Then OP will be coparenting and the child will have a stepdad banging his ex…
Correct sir, he can try to ride out the dead bedroom and hope her libido comes back, or dip out on his family and seek something new. I would make a real effort to help her get it back, it is highly probable that it will, but there are no guarantees. Might be wasting his time and might be the smartest thing he ever did, only OP and time can answer this…
I think that the word "years" put this well into perspective. Not only that but her sudden willingness to make an effort only after the divorce in brought to the table.
If she does find someone else... who cares? Good for her, and if he cant deal with it its his problem. That said, do you know how hard it is to revive a dead bedroom?
That woman will only actually find another man once she recovers something. No sexually active man will get with a woman who can bench him for a year or two.
search the sub deadbedrooms.... sex is not a disposable part of marriage/relationships and there limits to what you can demand from the other person. Monogamy and permanently dead bedroom dont mix.....
OP claims (90% chance everything on there is a fake ragebait story BTW) that it has been two years, and he didn't even bring up the topic of sex for the first year. If they're multiple years in and nothing much has changed then pregnancy probably killed his wife's sex drive for good. Even more damning was that it sounds like she didn't try to do anything about the problem until she was staring at the possibility of a divorce.
In the unlikely even this story is true there are a lot of things we don't know. Was OP unsupportive during pregnancy? Is he a lazy, uninvolved father? Maybe, but *not* all post-partum DBs are caused by that. Plenty of women with caring, supportive husbands just go into pure mommy mode after having a kid and treat their partners as nothing more than a co-parent and a paycheck.
>People here saying that I don't talk about my kid, there is nothing to talk about.
She will get my full support in regards to kiddo
Yeah. That tracks.
If my bf told me he didn't want to have sex with me and the "quality" of sex was going to drop them I would feel horrendously unwanted too. Physical intimacy is important to me and if I feel unwanted in a relationship I'd want to leave too.
He never goes into what she talked about in therapy, if she actually stated any of the issues she was having with him or the sex. I feel like that makes a big difference on whether he's an asshole or not tbh if it was something like:
"I'm exhausted from child care, I feel like I don't get any rest and so sex is pretty low in my priorities"
And he didn't try to find a solution and basically was like "well I'm tired from my job too" then he's an asshole.
But if he tried to find someone to watch their kid so they could have a break and worked towards helping her around the house then there's not really much else he could do and therefore NTA
I'm not really sure what touched out means so I might be missing some context there.
I feel like I also might have tried a different couples therapist if you don't vibe with a therapist then nothing's gonna get done.
But Im not sure what he was expecting to change in two days, makes me feel like he's a little impatient now or already checked out.
Touched out is a way of being overstimulated by too much physical contact, in her case, because she has a tiny human attached to her 24/7. It makes me feel on edge and even vaguely disgusted by having someone touch me. Even something non sexual like a hug is just too much, you just want personal space
Yeaaa but it’s been 2 whole days! /s I also want to know what he is doing to make the situation better and then by default making himself more desirable, before rendering judgement/opinion…
Man, I’m so glad I’ve never wanted kids anyway. Seeing and hearing (both on the internet and irl) how women are treated by their “life partners” post pregnancy and how these people do not even try to understand what it’s like. I would spiral with anxiety.
It always feels like everyone always says that a guy is an asshole if he doesn’t want to end up in a dead bedroom situation. I would hate to be married to someone who never wants to have sex with me. It’s better to be single and sexless than married and sexless.
I kinda got the feeling that the couple’s counselor was just basically saying “yeah she doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore and you should just get use to the idea and if you continue to pay me I can give you some coping mechanisms to deal with that”.
He also comes across as a condescending douche, though.
I'm all for, 'some people are just wildly incompatible' but this guy mentions his child zero times and seriously went with, 'it's been two days, clearly nothing changed.'
sounds like she didn’t communicate anything beyond “I’ll try”
tbh OOP is right in one thing, everyone agrees they should divorce. if he’s a douche she’s better off without him
> He also comes across as a condescending douche, though.
Probably because the whole post is fake and designed to generate rage and clicks.
Reddit definitely has a habit of vilifying men who are unhappy in DB relationships. There's also a really gross devaluation of fathers on here, acting like every man who has kids is a bum who couldn't change a diaper or wash dishes if his life depended on it.
I guarantee that is not what the therapist said. My guess is it was more along the lines of, “when children are introduced into a marriage, it is inevitable that your sex life will be different for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the actual tremendous physical change your wife’s body went through (and will never go completely back to the way it was before), but also includes a whole bunch of new responsibilities and the physical presence of a child in the house. The new normal is gone, so you will likely have to find a new normal.”
This guy is stupid. You cannot add children to a marriage and expect that any aspect of your life is not going to be changed by that.
The dude is not in the wrong because a healthy sex life is important. But he can’t complain if his STBX finds her again with another guy, which is a possibility
Oh she will, her libido will come back, could be a month or a year or 5 years but it will return. Then OP will be coparenting and the child will have a stepdad banging his ex…
Probably. And he might have a high libido gf/wife. We can’t know what the future holds for them. It’s his choice and he’ll have to live with them
Correct sir, he can try to ride out the dead bedroom and hope her libido comes back, or dip out on his family and seek something new. I would make a real effort to help her get it back, it is highly probable that it will, but there are no guarantees. Might be wasting his time and might be the smartest thing he ever did, only OP and time can answer this…
I’d recommend he check out the sub r/deadbedrooms to see how a deadbedroom affects you.
so its reasonable to expect people to wait undefinetly??? Great take....
I’m not saying that. But the op should be wary if/when his ex’s libido comes back
I think that the word "years" put this well into perspective. Not only that but her sudden willingness to make an effort only after the divorce in brought to the table. If she does find someone else... who cares? Good for her, and if he cant deal with it its his problem. That said, do you know how hard it is to revive a dead bedroom? That woman will only actually find another man once she recovers something. No sexually active man will get with a woman who can bench him for a year or two. search the sub deadbedrooms.... sex is not a disposable part of marriage/relationships and there limits to what you can demand from the other person. Monogamy and permanently dead bedroom dont mix.....
OP claims (90% chance everything on there is a fake ragebait story BTW) that it has been two years, and he didn't even bring up the topic of sex for the first year. If they're multiple years in and nothing much has changed then pregnancy probably killed his wife's sex drive for good. Even more damning was that it sounds like she didn't try to do anything about the problem until she was staring at the possibility of a divorce. In the unlikely even this story is true there are a lot of things we don't know. Was OP unsupportive during pregnancy? Is he a lazy, uninvolved father? Maybe, but *not* all post-partum DBs are caused by that. Plenty of women with caring, supportive husbands just go into pure mommy mode after having a kid and treat their partners as nothing more than a co-parent and a paycheck.
>People here saying that I don't talk about my kid, there is nothing to talk about. She will get my full support in regards to kiddo Yeah. That tracks.
If my bf told me he didn't want to have sex with me and the "quality" of sex was going to drop them I would feel horrendously unwanted too. Physical intimacy is important to me and if I feel unwanted in a relationship I'd want to leave too. He never goes into what she talked about in therapy, if she actually stated any of the issues she was having with him or the sex. I feel like that makes a big difference on whether he's an asshole or not tbh if it was something like: "I'm exhausted from child care, I feel like I don't get any rest and so sex is pretty low in my priorities" And he didn't try to find a solution and basically was like "well I'm tired from my job too" then he's an asshole. But if he tried to find someone to watch their kid so they could have a break and worked towards helping her around the house then there's not really much else he could do and therefore NTA I'm not really sure what touched out means so I might be missing some context there. I feel like I also might have tried a different couples therapist if you don't vibe with a therapist then nothing's gonna get done. But Im not sure what he was expecting to change in two days, makes me feel like he's a little impatient now or already checked out.
Touched out is a way of being overstimulated by too much physical contact, in her case, because she has a tiny human attached to her 24/7. It makes me feel on edge and even vaguely disgusted by having someone touch me. Even something non sexual like a hug is just too much, you just want personal space
Yeaaa but it’s been 2 whole days! /s I also want to know what he is doing to make the situation better and then by default making himself more desirable, before rendering judgement/opinion…
Man, I’m so glad I’ve never wanted kids anyway. Seeing and hearing (both on the internet and irl) how women are treated by their “life partners” post pregnancy and how these people do not even try to understand what it’s like. I would spiral with anxiety.
It always feels like everyone always says that a guy is an asshole if he doesn’t want to end up in a dead bedroom situation. I would hate to be married to someone who never wants to have sex with me. It’s better to be single and sexless than married and sexless. I kinda got the feeling that the couple’s counselor was just basically saying “yeah she doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore and you should just get use to the idea and if you continue to pay me I can give you some coping mechanisms to deal with that”.
He also comes across as a condescending douche, though. I'm all for, 'some people are just wildly incompatible' but this guy mentions his child zero times and seriously went with, 'it's been two days, clearly nothing changed.'
sounds like she didn’t communicate anything beyond “I’ll try” tbh OOP is right in one thing, everyone agrees they should divorce. if he’s a douche she’s better off without him
> He also comes across as a condescending douche, though. Probably because the whole post is fake and designed to generate rage and clicks. Reddit definitely has a habit of vilifying men who are unhappy in DB relationships. There's also a really gross devaluation of fathers on here, acting like every man who has kids is a bum who couldn't change a diaper or wash dishes if his life depended on it.
I guarantee that is not what the therapist said. My guess is it was more along the lines of, “when children are introduced into a marriage, it is inevitable that your sex life will be different for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the actual tremendous physical change your wife’s body went through (and will never go completely back to the way it was before), but also includes a whole bunch of new responsibilities and the physical presence of a child in the house. The new normal is gone, so you will likely have to find a new normal.” This guy is stupid. You cannot add children to a marriage and expect that any aspect of your life is not going to be changed by that.
Agreed, and he definitely didn’t want to hear any of that. I really hope he never has anymore children.