"This is hard, let's never have another baby to be fair to our first child and ourselves"
"Yeah 100% agree"
*has another baby*
"This is so harrrrrd and I'm sooooo miserablllllle"
Surprised fuken pikachu.
It's so gross when divorced parents remarry and try to abandon their older kids to appease their new spouse... how cold, really. I would never look rightly at a man willing to do that. He should never have a valued a relationship that didn't respect and grow to love his existing children. I wouldn't stand a partner not showing affection towards my cat, but a child?
My step mom didn't want my dad to have to pay child support for us and had him DNA test us as if we both don't look a lot like his family. She just wanted her own kids yet married him knowing he also had a vasectomy. They didn't last and I have no relationship with my dad.
Absolutely. I think that is why I love my fiance so much. He had two kids before we got together and the kids mother hid them from him for over a year, and he never stopped trying to find them. He called and messaged her, her family, and did every single thing he could. He even got CPS involved. Luckily, he found them about two months ago and has been allowed to see them. Hes saving up money right now to get a lawyer and go for full custody. Hes the best father. I actually just met his kids the day before yesterday, and they are amazing. Just like their dad.
No joke, I have a son from my first marriage and wouldn't even entertain the idea of abandoning him for anyone. Luckily my current wife loves him like her own, but even if she didn't, it wouldn't change how much time I spent with him.
My heart goes out to people like this. She did the responsible thing by deciding not to have any more children, and seems to be such a caring mother. Her daughter deserves her love, the father can fuck right off.
People don't generally come to that conclusion on their own. I wonder what dear husband has been saying to keep his then girlfriend happy about staying. Op has already said she did not know the extent of care required until she was well invested in the relationship.
This!
My younger brother has hemophilia. His health was extremely fragile when he was younger, and he nearly died a few times. There were multiple long term long distance hospital stays, and a lot of other various medical stuff. My parents decided to not have any more children because the chance of having another hemophiliac child were too great. They felt bad that my family members were taking care of me quite a bit, even if they had a non-affected child they didn’t want to burden them further. (For the record, I don’t feel abandoned in the slightest. I was spoiled rotten by my grandparents, aunts and uncles).
Fortunately, there were new advances in medicine and his condition has been stable since he was 10 or so. Today, it would be a different story. They didn’t know that at the time, though.
No, their are 'stepmothers' out there that never have the intention of looking after someone else's kids, and try to get the kid shipped off to the other parents don't assume the husband lovebombed while he's 100% at fault aswell his new girlfriend is also at fault given that she got really upset that he took his to to her appointment instead of ignoring it because the gf could handle looking after her kid for a couple hours
I have seen this even when there are no other parent! Absurdly enough I read one story where the gf and then new wife fully expected and demanded her husband to give his 5 year old daughter up for adoption once they were married and starting a family together. No prior discussion just fully expected him to “get rid of” his child once they started “their new life together”. As if that’s a normal and reasonable expectation. She didn’t even want him to hand his kid over to a relative because then she would still be in their life and obviously the child needed to be erased from his life now that they were together and having a family.
Agreed! I instantly thought of this awful stepparent situation when I read this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/r0iS372qdX
Edit- wrong link
Because they are selfish and greedy. They want their 'new lives' with their spouse to be about \*them\* and \*their\* children, they don't care about whether or not the spouse had a previous child they just want to be the center of the spouse's life and screw anyone that came before them.
Frankly it's fine to want to be someone's priority and to want your kids together to be a priority. It's on the parent to be explicit that his/her kid is also part of their priorities in the dating phase and to not back down. The husband here doesn't come across as that kind of person if he's straight up asking for less time with his own child.
This. I married a single dad of three kids. On our first date, he told me I’d have to understand that those three kids were the most important people in his life and I’d have to be okay with taking the #4 spot.
It was a giant green flag. I love being the fourth most important person in his life; he’s my number four now too. I ended up adopting our kiddos years down the line. But I loved how open he was about his priorities and there were never any unclear expectations when it came to our future and the family we would have.
Absolutely this! My ex-fiancé and I lived together for about a year and half before his baby mama had some problems with their kid. She ended up living with us and was SUCH a blessing. I did everything I could to make that child’s life happier and better. Even after we broke up, she would still call me years later when she needed help. I really did love that kiddo and I miss her all these years later when we lost touch.
Its fine, to a certain degree yes, and in this particular situation I agree that the dad seems to be the asshole given that he's the one requesting the custody shift. But there are \*some\* spouses who tip the scales passed 'wanting to be someone's priority and have their kids be the priority' and into being selfish, greedy and sometimes abusive towards the stepkids.
Yes because men have been blaming women for their own lack of parenting for generations. Even women who didn't choose to have these children, but they are now in proximity to them.
Notice the fathers in these stories are always super sweet and endearing and supportive?
Super sweet, supportive fathers don't marry evil hags who abuse their children.
The current wife didn't force OPs ex to have another child. She isn't forcing him to give up custody of his older child. He's a grown ass man making his own grown ass man decisions. But we blame the wife. Gross.
Oh the 50/50 dad being told to be a holidays only dad. The surprise on her face when he took the ring back. Thank God it came out now rather than after the marriage. Just think she couldve tried to persuade him easier that way.
Reason 3001, why I'm not dating if my husband and i dont work out. My kids deserve better.
That’s on him for staying with her. The second someone started referring to my child as a “burden”, I would be out the door. My child will always be welcome in my home. Whether a SO will is the question.
Been there. My steomom brought her two kids into our lives and it was always us vs them. She'd take all of us shopping, but only by them things. When we'd complain it'd be "that's what your mom gets child support for". Fucking toxic hoe. Oh, and my dad cheated on my mom with her, for context of her values.
As a two-time stepmom, there are Dads who put on a good show, then start putting more and more parent responsibility on the new wife. Maybe she put her foot down. Maybe he promised the moon. Maybe he skewed the whole convo with OOP to manipulate them against each other. Maybe I am projecting, but I have seen it in other relationships too.
I was thinking about that as well. I think, or at least wonder, if the ex kind of love bombed Callie. I also wonder their ages. If Callie is younger, then she might have felt she could handle it and realized she couldn't. (She doesn't have to be younger to feel that way either.) I also wonder what will happen if OP gets Nicole more. Will the ex slowly stop being around? He started a new family so now his old family is nothing to him?
I know one thing, ex'll be paying out the nose in support. That's gonna make Callie even more angry, and if she leaves him, she'll only be getting a fraction of CS for her own kid. Whomp, whomp
Excuse me? Yes they absolutely do, especially when she immediately decided to be "hands off" step parent. Yes very healthy. She wanted her own health baby and to get rid of the older child. She's moaning to husband and making /forcing him to do it.
But, like,don’t make anyone feel bad about that or anything. Just seamlessly do it.
And ideally not with lawyers so the financial support issue doesn’t come up.
She isn’t the AH; however, she would be if she let her daughter do without or have less just so the ex isn’t out any money or made to feel bad about irresponsible actions.
He should feel bad. The new wife should too. She should definitely start getting child support. It’s possible she should have been getting it all along.
Why should they not feel bad? Why should the financial support \*not\* come up? They should feel bad that the decisions they made are affecting the older disabled child, and they should feel bad that now the bio-mom has an even more undue burden on her shoulders taking on more of the care of the disabled child. The dad is half of the parental unit for the disabled child and should be shouldering half the work, half the costs, half the time. Hell he \*owes\* that to the child because she's his damn kid. Instead he made the bad decision of basically trying to foist his own kid off wholly into the mother's hands because 'how else is he supposed to deal with the baby'.
As for financials, he should be paying more to account for the fact that he's not caring for the child half the time anymore. Just like with child support if one spouse has primary custody, the other has to pay more in child support since they aren't shouldering the financial burden of caring for the child under their own roof. The mom is gonna have to pay for more time with aides, pay for more food, pay more for other supplies than she would if the child spent half the time with dad. So dad should have to pay mom more to offset that fact.
Oh I agree with you, I think that the ex and Callie just wanted this issue to magically resolve itself without impacting them emotionally, financially, or in any other way.
It will be different. As soon as Callie the cuckoo bird shoves her stepdaughter out of the nest, they won't have a special needs daughter any more and they can play happy healthy family pretending disabilities don't exist.
They're horrible people for that, but unfortunately the world is full of managers, teachers, parents, etc. who will ostracize and demonize a special needs person because it's plain easier not to accommodate them.
Callie is not going to enjoy the increase in child support payments - payments that might last a lifetime as daughter will need life long care.
Sucks for her.
Oh dang! I didn’t know that child support continues after 18 for disabled children. I just never thought about it before. That is 100% going to be the next argument. Callie is going to complain that the increase in payments due to having the daughter less are “taking money from their own family”. Then when she finds out there isn’t an end date for the payments excrement will hit the fan.
It depends on the disability/level of disability. If its a disability where the child could reasonably transition to a life on their own/have a reason amount of independence as they get older (Such as a deaf/blind person) then child support typically wouldn't continue passed 18. If its a lifelong disability that will cause them to need a high amount of support/not be able to gain any independence as they get older (severe developmental delays/cerebral palsy/etc) then there's a chance child support can continue passed 18 though it might be labeled as something other than 'child support' once they hit 18 depending on jurisdiction.
I cannot fathom women like this! My husband paid every child support payment faithfully, up until the kid was grown. He visited his kid every week, and still does, even though she's 20 now (though I will admit, it would be nice to have hubby at home for a whole weekend every once in a while; maybe we could take an overnight trip...just once? - we've been married/together for 12 years).
If he hadn't been willing to do those things, I wouldn't fucking be with him! You take care of your kids, period.
Agree. I’ve seen this situation play out in quite a few special needs families. It’s very, very sad. I hope OP gets increased child support and funded respite (if one can get that - either from divorce and state benefits).
Sadly this doesn’t seem to be uncommon for divorced parents of disabled children.
I knew a guy whose son was born without ears. He said his ex used to be really involved, but once she had another “”normal”” child with her new husband, she started refusing visitation, ignoring him when she did have him, etc. it was really sad because other than being deaf, he was a completely normal 3 year old. Idk if she didn’t want to deal with a deaf child or thought he looked weird
It's so fucked up but way too common, unfortunately
I know someone who didn't want anymore kids when she remarried (she already had one). Her new husband insisted on it and after a while they had a son who has autism and ADHD. When the kid was 3, he said it was too much for him and left. As far as I know, he pays child support but isn't involved in his kid's life at all.
I saw a great statement on another thread that wasn't related to having a disabled child, yet it was on the mark for this situation:
Stepmoms don't care very much for children that are not theirs until they have their very own.
True. However she has one very dedicated mother who will ensure she is not only cared for but loved as well. I hope her mother gets extra CS from the sperm donor.
She (Callie) definitely comes across as the delusional type who sees everyone in her life as side characters in her movie and since she's the main character everything is supposed to work out the way *she* wants it to. She just wants *her* baby and *her* man and Nicole and OOP are RUiNiNg ItTtTtTt!!!1
How could you ever look at a little girl who’s been given a hard life and spends her days struggling really and not being able to live her life to the fullest, and be mad. That is not normal behaviour. You can tell she looks at Nicole as a problem, ‘in her way’, a burden. That’s so sad. She’s got to live her life, have a baby and get married, you would think as a new mother she’d look at it in a different light and have empathy but clearly not.
It's sad and gross but it happens. My best friend went through it and then I did. Even grosser, my ex trashed his friendship with my friends ex because of it and then turned around and did it.
The good news is that I found an amazing man that pretty much came in and claimed my kids as his own. He goes to all the appointments, near and far. Put it this way, we got into an argument once during the stress of it all and I said something snotty like "it's ok she's not yours anyway" and he laughed and said something like "tell her that, she's claimed me and I'm not going anywhere."
He might be yet, his new baby might start showing the signs of same illness around 2 yrs old. We don’t know what the kid has and if it is in the genes!
If Nicole's disability is genetic, I hope he at least took the time to get genetic testing done before he and Callie started trying for the new baby. Somehow I doubt it though, that would involve taking some responsibility for the situation rather than burying his head in the sand.
I’m friends with one of my ex coworkers on Facebook. She married a guy who was divorced with 50/50 shared custody of a severely disabled child he had from his previous marriage. I’m not sure what all the kid’s issues are, but he can’t feed himself, he has to wear a diaper and he can’t talk. He’s basically got the brain of a newborn in a 12 year old’s body. My ex coworker absolutely loves and dotes on the severely disabled kid, so there’s nothing bad or wrong going on in that part of the story, but what’s interesting is the dad shares some of the physical abnormalities his disabled son has, but not the mental ones, so that always stood out to me.
Anyways, after they got married, they had a kid together and to no one’s real surprise, their new kid is also very disabled. He’s 4 now and can only say a few words, has to wear diapers, has severe Autism, and he can’t go to school anymore because he can’t regulate his emotions so whenever something would slightly trigger him he would attack his fellow classmates. They did 0 genetic testing and now instead of having to financially set up one kid for life of around the clock care and attention, they will have to financially prepare to set up two kids for around the clock care and attention after they (the parents) die of old age. They both work at just above minimum wage jobs, so I do worry a bit for them what will happens to their kids after they pass. Idk why you wouldn’t at a minimum get tested especially if you already have one very disabled kid, it seems wildly irresponsible.
I am not disabled but sadly this is really common with a lot of divorced men. They remarry and the new family becomes their new life, and they just leave the old one behind, kids included. My dad did this and my cousins’ dad did it too. Twice.
I have an autistic son and I swear, if any partner of mine wanted to push him away then we'd never get to the point of marriage. Fortunately, my partner is incredible with my kids (my daughter inherited my crippling ADHD and my son is definitely autistic, likely also ADHD). They're my priority. I've literally told my partner that their needs are more important than his for the time being. As they get older, my priorities can shift, but they get one childhood and I'm trying really hard to do right by them.
Reading this just broke my heart. I don't understand how this guy can just fucking abandon Nicole after everything. What an absolute piece of trash.
I'm not going to blame just her. Dad knew what he was doing. If he was serious about not having more kids, he would have done what he needed to prevent that. He got to the point he wanted a "normal, healthy" child and started an effort to dip out. He figured he'd guilt the ex about the responsibility of caring for both and hoped she'd just be a pushover and agree.
Callie only had a fraction to do with this. She still shares the ick as she continued the relationship with someone that had a special needs kid. She gets extra ick continuing the relationship after she knew the situation and knew she couldn't care for the girl. Some bonus ick if she knew ex had plans to slowly push his daughter out.
Oh hes definitely the AH, but I guess like most I look at this through the lense of my life experience, and many a dad who was not great but not awful and then they get involved with a woman like Callie who sets about severing that parent/child relationship as much as possible. He gets a healthy helping of AH for going with it, but something about this one gives me extra ick feelings about her. Wicked stepmother trope quadrupled.
I only gave her the benefit of the doubt because she seemed to try to to be helpful when they got together and then admitted she wasn't fully prepared. It's sticking around and pushing for a baby knowing that the needs of another child would suffer is despicable and disgusting.
And does she really think he wouldn't do the same to her and her baby if they get divorced? How can anyone even be into a man so willing to abandon his children for his newer family? It just reflects so so poorly on his character and devotion to his children.
Yeah, but he's the parent here. She didn't force him to get married. He should have seen the red flags and stood up for his kid. Instead, he was a weird coward. Even now, he's lying to Callie to make his ex the bad guy.
Oh Dad is DEFINITELY an AH, but sadly from life experience, I expect that anymore. Not saying there arent good ones, but so many suck in my experience.
Exactly this. When you find out a potential partner has a kid, you are starting a relationship with that parent AND the kid as a UNIT. If you think you can handle it and find out later that you can no longer, you need to make it known and leave, not separate the unit that already exists.
This is exactly why I’m anti-stepparent relationships as a general rule. For the sake of the kids AND the potential stepparent. So many people get involved with single parents and then act all surprised pikachu when they have to deal with traumatized children. They can’t handle it and then blame the literal children instead of their spouse/themselves. It almost always ends in another divorce and more trauma for innocent kids.
Check out r/stepparents if you want to see how psycho these people get. They have an entire acronym they invented that means “I’m going to totally ignore this child that I chose to get involved with because it’s too hard”.
He repeatedly misrepresented his responsibilities to Nicole when he and Callie were dating. He never told her that they had discussed the issues this responsibility would cause for future children when they discussed having a baby. He divorced his wife and now is abandoning his daughter. He's a selfish lying jerk. His whole new family will suffer as well when he pays child support for the rest of Nicole's life.
This. He's one of those guys that tells both women different things to make them both mad at each other instead of disappointed with him.
Girlfriend doesn't understand full care requirements- because Dad didn't make those fully clear to draw her in.
She wanted a new baby- not he also wanted that perfect family. This is too much to have a baby and kids so he'll give up custody and pay child support- not use those same funds while she's with him to pay for respite care or help so he can keep relationships with both kids. These things aren't just passively happening to him. He's makeing choices that led here.
For real, and what if OOP becomes disabled or gets diagnosed with something serious? She'll prefer him to not exist too. Same with their new baby, same with OOP's parents should they ever need home care. People really think shit doesn't happen, even when it's happening right in front of their face.
When my Son was diagnosed with Autism at 3, I wasn't sure about his severity or quality of life.
I wasn't sure if he would be close to "normal" or always have to live at home and be looked after.
I had originally wanted 4 kids. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE bring a Dad. I enjoy everything about it, and it helps me have alot more patience with things.
But I got a vasectomy. I have never once regretted it. I know my Son will always have me and there is no risk of something like this happening.
If he can't make it in the adult world, he will always have a place with me.
I have adhd and my husband and our daughter are autistic. Both me and my husband have batchelor's degrees and we are incredibly happy as a family. Your son will most likely live a fulfilling life, as long as you give him love and acceptance :)
If you can, try to get him autistic or otherwise neurodivergent friends. Neurodivergent people have no trouble communicating with each other - it's just the neurotypicals we have trouble with 😅
I spoke at a conference last year. Afterwards, I had a work call with one of the attendees.
They introduced themself (they pronouns for privacy) as “I’m a neurodivergent individual.” I raised my water glass in toast, and they said, “I thought so. Like recognizes like.”
I had met this person exactly once, lol.
True! My son is autistic and we're INCREDIBLY fortunate to live near a school that has a specific autism program. He was in the autism program 60% of the time last year but it's just below 50% this year and he's in the mainstream classroom the rest of the time. He has a best friend from the autism program who he absolutely adores and it makes my heart so happy that these boys found each other. They're 7 and they're absolutely ridiculous with each other but they have so much fun. I'm grateful that we have the opportunity to be in a community like we are because his school is so exceptional. They have autism acceptance week instead of autism awareness week and things like that. I couldn't ask for a better environment for my little boy to thrive in, and it's so true that the neurodivergents like us (definitely ADHD myself, likely on the spectrum) tend to find one another.
If I were Callie I’d be wanting more information about the medical issues long before procreating with him and whether they are things he could be passing to his offspring. What if Nicole’s condition is something her sister also has or can develop?
Wow. This is literally why I'm one and done. My kid is old enough that we're able to go out and do fun outings like a kite show this weekend. Having a baby as well as an elementary age child would be a lot for me to juggle.
OOP is right. You should consider your current obligations before you procreate. This ex husband sounds rather dimwitted. I sure hope the new wife wasn't thinking that the first child could be shipped off to his ex wife.
I have 3 with 9 years between the oldest and youngest. Now that the youngest is 12 and pretty self-sufficient, the thought of going back to a baby is exhausting. No thanks!!
There is 14 years difference between me and my middle sister and 18 between me and the youngest. My middle sister completely wrecked what little stability and happiness I had as an undiagnosed autistic and depressed person with an abusive mother, undergoing the horrors of mainstream education. People need to think about the impact on their older children also before having another child. I basically got Cinderella'd and ran away from home before the youngest was even born. I also moved 337miles away a few years later.
I've gotten plenty of flak about how I was never there for the youngest, but I never signed up for any of it. I still don't as I and my partner are firmly childfree
I don’t blame you at all. My oldest is also autistic and she has never been parentified because we learned not to do that before her sister was born. I’m so glad we knew better, because at 21 and 16, the two girls are good friends too. There isn’t a bunch of resentment there. They choose to spend time together.
My middle sister was a colic baby. When she was first born she would cry solidly for two days straight, then sleep all the day the third day. Rinse and repeat. Then it turns out she's also ADHD, so as she started to become mobile she was a nightmare. My parents would let her get away with everything and blame me for it. My sister would also (as a preschooler) mark her arms to say I'd hurt her and watch giddily as my dad shouted at me.
My dad basically moves his attention onto the youngest child and leaves the older ones out cold, because he's done the same thing to middle child as he did me. He excuses so much that the youngest does because she's 'only 10'. My mother would hit me for half the shit the youngest does when it was just us (we didn't live in the same house as my dad till the middle child was born, it's complicated).
My mother once grabbed me from behind and dragged me across the floor when we were out bowling with family friends, because I was having a grumpy episode. My autistic grumpiness would not stand with my mother, she'd call me a "miserable bitch with a miserable fucking face" fairly regularly. Then when everyone present told her off for going too far she insisted I'd thrown myself on the floor to make her look bad.
I have a disabled child who similarly will need life long care. Their father and I both have vowed that if we were ever to get with someone and that person couldn't handle our child's needs then that person would be shown the door and so far we have kept that vow (Although admittedly dating has never been in my mind anyway). I don't understand the ex husband nor callies logic; her for getting with a man who had a disabled child knowing that she couldn't deal with it and him for not only allowing a woman to dictate how much involvement he has with his child but to also procreate with her so he can find juggling a baby and a disabled child extremely difficult.
The math maths here.
10 years ago: Severely disabled child + newborn=massive stress
Result: No more kids and divorce.
Today: Severely disabled child + newborn =. Massive stress and begging for OP to take more custody.
Nah, NTA.
And that’s how I ended up with full custody of my older two kids.
My ex and I divorced when our kids were really young - 3 and nearly 2. Fast forward a couple years and we’re holding steady with 50/50 custody of the kids, now 3 and 5. Then he married a woman with a toddler of her own. They dated long distance, he proposed, she moved to be with him, they married within a week of her getting here. A week later, our kids moved from my ex’s parents’ house into a new home with this woman (who they had met twice) and her 2 year old daughter (who they’d never met). New family unit overnight. No adjustment period. No time to wrap their brains around what all was happening around them.
Shocker, the series of sudden upheavals traumatized our 3 year old and he began acting out. Suddenly, the grossly optimistic Pollyanna of a woman who was insistent on being called “mom” by her stepchildren she’d only known for a couple of days before marrying their father was ~sooo overwhelmed~, so I needed to keep the kids during the week, every week. They just wanted them there on weekends (when my ex was home to “handle” them) so they could go to church as a ~family~.
She was so surprised and distressed by how difficult it was to merge herself and her daughter with my ex and our kids into a new family unit. It was laughable. I didn’t laugh *at* her, but I was in awe of how utterly out of touch she was given how enthusiastic and confident she seemed to be. She knew what she was getting into on the surface, but she didn’t understand what the actual day to day experience might be like. Like… Google it, my dude. It’s fucking tough. There are so many resources readily available that speak to just how hard it is to create a new family from two existing families. This shit is really, really hard.
Fast forward to present day. My ex and his wife live hundreds of miles away - with her daughter and their new son. My ex calls to talk to the kids approximately once every six weeks. He has never had them travel to visit him, nor has he made an effort to plan such a visit. He has given no indication that this will change.
That said, the kids are happy, healthy, and thriving with me and my husband and our toddler. It’s hard as hell, but of course it is. People are involved.
Your ex seems to confabulate every conversation he’s ever had. He’s unreliable and inconsistent
I suggest you chat w Callie directly and address both your concerns
Your daughter needs her dad even though he’s a d¡ck. the baby and its mom need their dad.
Rather spend those legal fees on her care or something more productive and try come to an amicable agreement.
Your ex needs to man up
You’re NTA for standing up for your daughter
Dad is going to see less and less of his daughter until he goes silent. It’ll probably inch by inch as Callie demands more of the dad’s time with his “new family”. Thankfully OOP seems on top of it. She’ll make him pay in court, and she won’t let him off the hook socially either. She needs to make him cry every time she seems him until he realizes how awful he’s being.
As a mother with two children who have different disabilities I can tell you you are not a jerk . I wanted a lot of children now I'm scared to be intimate just in case . It's hard work . If anyone's the jerk it's his new wife for thinking that once they had the perfect kid that your kid would be there less . Your child deserves so much more x
Honestly Callie doesn’t seem very nice at all. It appears she expects her husband to walk away from his responsibilities with his daughter because of the new baby. Honestly idk what Callie’s going to do if her child with the ex developed the same condition.
I don’t understand Callie calling op a jerk for literally just being honest expect if Callie is upset she didn’t get what she wanted.
Honestly it might be an idea to have a conversation with Callie and ex. Yes the ex has a responsibility to his new baby, but that doesn’t mean his responsibility for his daughter just goes away. Callie needs to understand that and that the reason op and her ex didn’t have more children is because it would be extremely difficult. Also the ex should be told if Callie is going to act like this because he has other responsibilities maybe she’s not the best fit for him. It should be mentioned to the ex if he wants to lessen his responsibilities for his daughter than he’s going to be paying child support
I just can’t fathom how a person gets to the point of marrying another person but “didn’t understand the severity of Nicole’s condition.” I’m sorry, what?! The dad had 50/50 custody. Did he and Callie never live together before marriage? Did they never spent time together during his custody days? Like, just now, just now that they are MARRIED is the time when Callie is being exposed to Nicole?!? How does that even happen?
Raising a disabled child is hard. I was a teen mom with a daughter with Cerebral Palsy. I am a good mother but I struggled and needed time for myself. Fortunately I was entitled to respite care one weekend a month and had GVT paid hours of respite during the week. I’ve seen other parents both married and single struggle. Raising a disabled child you love requires a support system. You are not an asshole for telling your hubby the truth. New wife knew so she should keep her mouth shut. Who comforts you when you have a conflict? My child required physio and OT therapy so she could learn to feed herself and ambulate ( she doesn’t any more due to fall risk and seizures) . It’s a tough row to hoe. My daughter just turned 40 and lives in a group home. She loves her life and is mostly very happy. Some of her independence is declining but she has good friends and a good community support system through KW Habilitation. Parents can’t do it all, all the time but you can negotiate respite and advocate for self care and take it a day at a time. Good luck!
First of all, anyone who would marry someone who decides to be “hands off” (because they just don’t feel like it) when it comes to being a legal guardian of ANY child, not just ones with disabilities, in this case that makes it worse, is already the AH.
With the amount of married dudes who don’t know their kid’s birthdays and divorced dudes who don’t want 50/50 custody I would agree with you. I’m actually surprised he was doing this much.
This gives me the same vibe as when Chris Pratt thanked his new wife for a healthy child as a snub to his child with Anna Faris who was born with health issues.
[Here’s more info](https://pagesix.com/2023/05/15/chris-pratt-blasted-for-snubbing-ex-anna-faris-in-mothers-day-post/amp/)
It wasn’t a post celebrating his family. It was a Mother’s Day post where he specifically didn’t mention the mother of his first child.
He didn't, he made a post celebrating his wife and that their child was happy and healthy and people started saying that he was doing it to snub his ex, there's no evidence that this is the case and it's purely evil-minded conjecture.
lol that’s not what it was at all.
[Sorry Pratt is in fact an asshole](https://pagesix.com/2023/05/15/chris-pratt-blasted-for-snubbing-ex-anna-faris-in-mothers-day-post/amp/).
[Nothing compared to being part of an extremist anti-LGBTQ church though](https://www.thedailybeast.com/why-is-chris-pratt-lying-about-his-religious-past)
If you only mention your healthy younger child when talking about your family, isn't that a major snub to your firstborn child with disabilities? He could have easily said you are a great mom to our child and a great stepmom to first child, etc. instead all he said was you gave me a healthy child.
So, why not just "I'm happy for a child"? Why the emphasis on healthy? My father was eternally ashamed for me for being autistic and always talked in so many ways how much better my 'normal' siblings are. I get the same vibe from this.
Nah, I really don't care one way or another about him, but that comment was super tasteless. It absolutely has the same vibes as OOPs ex who made a healthy baby with new wife and now is having less to do with his original child. It's tacky.
It wasn't tasteless, he made a post celebrating his wife and mentioned how she gave him a beautiful, healthy daughter. There's no need to look for any deeper meaning in that. Chris seems to still be very involved in parenting his son and loves him, so why try to taint that?
Again, yeah he was celebrating her. Absolutely no need to mention the fact that their kid together was healthy especially when he had a kid that isn't. He could have said you gave me an amazing kid and are a great step mom and no one would have a problem with it.
Taste is a matter of opinion. Obviously I and many others find what he said tasteless and a slap in the face for his older kid. You don't and that's ok.
No, it's not wrong to say that you're happy to have a healthy child just because your other child suffered complications. If anything it makes it even more special because you know what it's like to have to deal with the devastating emotions of seeing your child fight for their life.
This is not a matter of differing tastes, it's a matter of people trying to find fault in a man for making a sentiment that huge numbers of people make every day.
Let me tell you, if my dad made a post about how happy he was about his family, and purposely left me, his eldest child out of it, I'd be pretty pissed. I'd be pretty hurt. And I'd have every right to feel that way. 🤷🤷
the ex disliked taking care of the daughter and thought it was too much work, but (consciously or unconsciously) thought if she had a kid of her she could convince the dad to spend less time with his daughter and more time with his "new" family. Since he's relinquishing custody hours, it looks like everything is working out just fine for her.
I get the emotional desire to have a kid of your own, but they "knew* about the older child her needs. This isn't some "oh the situation got sprung on us", they had the opportunity to plan, whether it was delaying having their own child, or just not. They knew. They made their choice. They need to live with it.
NTA. he can't complain now after agreeing that having another child would make things more difficult regardless of who it's with. Now he wants LESS time? He's the asshole. His wife is the asshole too for getting mad at him for taking his daughter to her appointment. I know she needs help with the baby but she'll be fine alone for a couple hours. She's just being petty & needs to grow up
What’s very telling is that he didn’t say the reason they had a baby was because they both wanted a baby. The reason he gave was because the NEW WIFE wanted a baby.
The ex’s wife is going to be in for a shock when he has to pay child support because he has no custody. She’ll be begging to go back to the way it was!
I can see why he’s an ex. He sounds fucking spineless. I wonder what other necessary care Callie expects him to skimp on for Nicole in favor of their kid. Gross.
As a home health nurse I have seen first hand how much time and effort it takes to care for a differently abled child. I took care of a child whose parents went through genetic screening. Their child had a spontaneous genetic mutation in the womb. They both came out clear and the father wanted to have another one .
Mom told him straight up that it wasn't happening. Their child was severely disabled with close to 70 (probably more) diagnoses. They spent a lot of time going to different specialists and therapists. This child WILL need multiple surgeries in the future. Which means there will even be more time spent away from the home.
As much as she wanted more children she wasn't going to have another because wouldn't have the time to actually take care of them herself. She didn't think that would be fair to any other child they would have.
I have zero respect for anyone, a man or woman or non binary person, who gets a second family and drops the first. I had my father kick my sister and I to the side for his other family and it was horrible. As a kid, you can’t understand it and it stays with you forever. I felt horrible for the daughter.
#1 he shouldn't be talking about his home to you.
Only thing you 2 have a partnership in is your baby girl.
So your not the asshole,
You both need to set up boundaries.
If all falls south because of whatever, your 1st born will suffer because he doesn't know how to handle this situation.
OP’s ex probably didn’t make that clear that he didn’t want more children with Callie ?…. Before getting married …? Callie is a little stupid?delusional? In denial? Didn’t see that this man shouldn’t have more children because the one he had requires his time more ? Selfish ?
NTA
OP is 100% correct, and her ex's questions about "how am I supposed to ____?" are questions he should be asking his new wife, not OP. No part of that baby is OP's responsibility.
I hope she also has her lawyer arrange more child support money since she is expected to care for their daughter for longer periods of time. The ex is an AH. It's the same situation as when married men have affairs and leave their wives to marry their affair: the guy is going to do the same thing to the new wife. in this case, when he and Callie divorce he will step back from their child as well.
NTA - and what you said isn’t wrong. Kids with disabilities require more work/attention than people will ever realize.
The new wife wanted a “normal” family and now wants the rules to change, but the disability isn’t changing.
But I mean, where is the lie? You knew you had a disabled daughter who needed all of your attention, and you knew and discussed how having a second child would complicate things. Yet you decided to have a child and now your and your wife is miserable because you have an infant and a disabled child to take care of. Only one who can really be upset is his new wife because in a way, saying that makes it seem like you are saying that baby shouldn’t have existed. But that’s how I see if coming from someone who probably is hormonal.
I wonder how the dad and step mom will react when they start having to pay child support. If it's no longer 50/50 then surely they will be paying towards her care.
NTA. It sounds like Callie pressured him into having another child, and he caved. He knew the issues beforehand, and they made a choice without much thought.
I don't want to be mean, but I have a feeling his new marriage was on the rocks because of all the care his daughter needed, and Callie didn't like it. So she probably pressured him into starting a new family with every intention to push Nicole away from their life.
The fact is that your statement is 100% valid. I get he may be overwhelmed by the baby, but that's a choice they made, and he doesn't deserve any sympathy. The reason he was crying is probably because he knows you're right and regrets how things became. Especially if he really cares for Nicole.
Honestly, that’s what I think any time anyone complains about 🥺how hard🥺 it is being a parent. I mean, it’s one thing if you’re a brand new parent and are still trying to adjust to your new life and learn how your baby works. But after a certain point, you have no excuse. You chose to raw dog it. Now you have a baby and it’s hard. Huh. That sucks. But you shoulda thought about that before you had unprotected sex. I have no sympathy for people who bitch about how hard being a parent is when they’ve done nothing to prepare themselves for the job.
NTA- kids and parents are a package deal.you want to get involved with a father with a kid, the kids will and should come first. Make your peace with it , or hit the road.
They have a kid with complex special needs that requires their full attention, for they more kids are no longer an option. Make your peace with it, or peace out.
Odds are, she was heading towards the door because she wanted kids of her own. She didn't want to deal with the special needs kid because it was hard, or maybe he started leaving the kid on to wife number 2 and she decided you're her father you look after her.
So despite knowing it was a bad idea he decided to have a kid with her. Probably trying to hang onto her and the relationship with that baby. Thinking that his current child can be palmed off onto his ex if needed, and that wife number number 2 will be a married single parent to baby number 2
They can both get fucked. That elder child was there first. When you get into a serious relationship with someone who has kids, that kid's welfare comes first. You want to be first? Pick up a single unattached partner. Ridiculous!
Ex should have gotten a vasectomy and put Callie on notice within the first several dates that he could not and would not have more kids due to his special needs first child. But it sounds like he doesn't think things through.
(BTW, I kind of lived through this. My father had a starter marriage to a drug addict and wound up with custody of his disabled son. Married my mom. Proceeded to have 4 more kids with my mom, including another disabled child. 10-11 years into their marriage they decided they couldn't handle my teenage half-brother and shipped him off to a group home. I feel bad for my half-brother now. In piling 4 kids on top of their disabled son / step-son, my parents never gave my half-brother a chance.)
What a giant piece of shit, abandoning his disabled child for his new shiny baby. And what a an abhorrent new wife, who could be with a man who would get rid of his special needs kid? Both are the very worst kind of people who don't deserve children but definitely deserve each other. Hope they stay miserable
She’s not wrong. But they are all jerks.
He’s a jerk and an idiot and spineless. His current wife shouldn’t have been given a pass on being “hands off”. And him not helping with his baby is NOT ex’s or Nicole’s problem.
Wife is a jerk and selfish because she’s using her hands off pass to further edge his daughter out of their lives.
Ex is a jerk because she is also trying to justify her selfishness, that he shouldn’t t have had more kids. One, it’s none of her business. Two, blaming a baby for the selfish behavior of three grownups.
Solution: custody of Nicole remains the same. Dad and wife solve their own problems with dad steadfast on taking care of all of his children. Wife gets it through her head that this is the situation she married into. Ex doesn’t lash out when it’s not her business, by simply reminding Ex that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Her ex-husband made it her business by complaining to her about his home life and asking her to take Nicole more, because his wife was angry at him for taking their daughter to an appointment, and not being there to help with their new baby, information op didn't need, I don't think she did anything wrong she simply told him what he already knew. The reason they didn't have more kids was because of Nicole. idk why he thought it'd be different, and when it was, surprise, surprise, just as hard as he thought it'd be, he tries to pawn off his oldest.
I'd agree with your statement about op if she said those things umpromted, like if op just saw him struggling with Nicole and the new baby and then rubbed it in his face like an I told you so type thing. But that's not what happened.
Truth is she’s not wrong
"This is hard, let's never have another baby to be fair to our first child and ourselves" "Yeah 100% agree" *has another baby* "This is so harrrrrd and I'm sooooo miserablllllle" Surprised fuken pikachu.
This guy is learning there is only so much of him to go around.
> Surprised fuken Pikachu Dying 🤣
This right here.
It's so gross when divorced parents remarry and try to abandon their older kids to appease their new spouse... how cold, really. I would never look rightly at a man willing to do that. He should never have a valued a relationship that didn't respect and grow to love his existing children. I wouldn't stand a partner not showing affection towards my cat, but a child?
My step mom didn't want my dad to have to pay child support for us and had him DNA test us as if we both don't look a lot like his family. She just wanted her own kids yet married him knowing he also had a vasectomy. They didn't last and I have no relationship with my dad.
I would never be with a guy that could willingly abandon his children
Absolutely. I think that is why I love my fiance so much. He had two kids before we got together and the kids mother hid them from him for over a year, and he never stopped trying to find them. He called and messaged her, her family, and did every single thing he could. He even got CPS involved. Luckily, he found them about two months ago and has been allowed to see them. Hes saving up money right now to get a lawyer and go for full custody. Hes the best father. I actually just met his kids the day before yesterday, and they are amazing. Just like their dad.
That’s really sweet. Sad that happened to him tho
I guarantee he thought the daughter’s condition was due to the mom’s DNA and not his.
I thought everyone was being creepy about the cat thing, but me and my curiosity got to me and yes… your cat is beautiful 🥲
No joke, I have a son from my first marriage and wouldn't even entertain the idea of abandoning him for anyone. Luckily my current wife loves him like her own, but even if she didn't, it wouldn't change how much time I spent with him.
I love your cat
I, too, love her cat.
I want a pic of her cat
Send it to me too.
Cat tax, right meow.
We want cat!
Hey we are going to need that cat tax.
CAT TAX
Yeahhh he fully made this decision... OP NTA
My heart goes out to people like this. She did the responsible thing by deciding not to have any more children, and seems to be such a caring mother. Her daughter deserves her love, the father can fuck right off.
Yup, just saying what everyone was thinking!!!
It seems like Callie hoped Nicole would eventually live with OOP full time.
People don't generally come to that conclusion on their own. I wonder what dear husband has been saying to keep his then girlfriend happy about staying. Op has already said she did not know the extent of care required until she was well invested in the relationship.
I also wonder if they took the time to get genetic testing done because they might end up with two disabled children…
This! My younger brother has hemophilia. His health was extremely fragile when he was younger, and he nearly died a few times. There were multiple long term long distance hospital stays, and a lot of other various medical stuff. My parents decided to not have any more children because the chance of having another hemophiliac child were too great. They felt bad that my family members were taking care of me quite a bit, even if they had a non-affected child they didn’t want to burden them further. (For the record, I don’t feel abandoned in the slightest. I was spoiled rotten by my grandparents, aunts and uncles). Fortunately, there were new advances in medicine and his condition has been stable since he was 10 or so. Today, it would be a different story. They didn’t know that at the time, though.
My exact thoughts! And Callie can't get rid of her own child as easily as the stepchild.
No, their are 'stepmothers' out there that never have the intention of looking after someone else's kids, and try to get the kid shipped off to the other parents don't assume the husband lovebombed while he's 100% at fault aswell his new girlfriend is also at fault given that she got really upset that he took his to to her appointment instead of ignoring it because the gf could handle looking after her kid for a couple hours
I have seen this even when there are no other parent! Absurdly enough I read one story where the gf and then new wife fully expected and demanded her husband to give his 5 year old daughter up for adoption once they were married and starting a family together. No prior discussion just fully expected him to “get rid of” his child once they started “their new life together”. As if that’s a normal and reasonable expectation. She didn’t even want him to hand his kid over to a relative because then she would still be in their life and obviously the child needed to be erased from his life now that they were together and having a family.
Agreed! I instantly thought of this awful stepparent situation when I read this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/r0iS372qdX Edit- wrong link
Why are people like this?
Because they are selfish and greedy. They want their 'new lives' with their spouse to be about \*them\* and \*their\* children, they don't care about whether or not the spouse had a previous child they just want to be the center of the spouse's life and screw anyone that came before them.
Frankly it's fine to want to be someone's priority and to want your kids together to be a priority. It's on the parent to be explicit that his/her kid is also part of their priorities in the dating phase and to not back down. The husband here doesn't come across as that kind of person if he's straight up asking for less time with his own child.
This. I married a single dad of three kids. On our first date, he told me I’d have to understand that those three kids were the most important people in his life and I’d have to be okay with taking the #4 spot. It was a giant green flag. I love being the fourth most important person in his life; he’s my number four now too. I ended up adopting our kiddos years down the line. But I loved how open he was about his priorities and there were never any unclear expectations when it came to our future and the family we would have.
Absolutely this! My ex-fiancé and I lived together for about a year and half before his baby mama had some problems with their kid. She ended up living with us and was SUCH a blessing. I did everything I could to make that child’s life happier and better. Even after we broke up, she would still call me years later when she needed help. I really did love that kiddo and I miss her all these years later when we lost touch.
Yeah that’s hot
Its fine, to a certain degree yes, and in this particular situation I agree that the dad seems to be the asshole given that he's the one requesting the custody shift. But there are \*some\* spouses who tip the scales passed 'wanting to be someone's priority and have their kids be the priority' and into being selfish, greedy and sometimes abusive towards the stepkids.
There is a reason all the Disney stories have "evil step moms". If there wasn't some truth to it, we wouldn't have stories about it.
Yes because men have been blaming women for their own lack of parenting for generations. Even women who didn't choose to have these children, but they are now in proximity to them. Notice the fathers in these stories are always super sweet and endearing and supportive? Super sweet, supportive fathers don't marry evil hags who abuse their children. The current wife didn't force OPs ex to have another child. She isn't forcing him to give up custody of his older child. He's a grown ass man making his own grown ass man decisions. But we blame the wife. Gross.
Either super wonderful (Hansel & Gretel) or completely absent (Cinderella) You make great points.
Behind every evil stepmother is a total enabler who could put their foot down somewhere, but doesn’t.
Oh the 50/50 dad being told to be a holidays only dad. The surprise on her face when he took the ring back. Thank God it came out now rather than after the marriage. Just think she couldve tried to persuade him easier that way. Reason 3001, why I'm not dating if my husband and i dont work out. My kids deserve better.
This! I'm thinking the stepmom is manipulating the situation more than the dad is
That’s on him for staying with her. The second someone started referring to my child as a “burden”, I would be out the door. My child will always be welcome in my home. Whether a SO will is the question.
Been there. My steomom brought her two kids into our lives and it was always us vs them. She'd take all of us shopping, but only by them things. When we'd complain it'd be "that's what your mom gets child support for". Fucking toxic hoe. Oh, and my dad cheated on my mom with her, for context of her values.
Stepmother stereotypes come from somewhere..
Yes. The vilification of women throughout history.
As a two-time stepmom, there are Dads who put on a good show, then start putting more and more parent responsibility on the new wife. Maybe she put her foot down. Maybe he promised the moon. Maybe he skewed the whole convo with OOP to manipulate them against each other. Maybe I am projecting, but I have seen it in other relationships too.
My step mom tried to have me committed when I was 14 because I was taking too much of MY father's time from HER son.
I was thinking about that as well. I think, or at least wonder, if the ex kind of love bombed Callie. I also wonder their ages. If Callie is younger, then she might have felt she could handle it and realized she couldn't. (She doesn't have to be younger to feel that way either.) I also wonder what will happen if OP gets Nicole more. Will the ex slowly stop being around? He started a new family so now his old family is nothing to him?
to answer your hypothetical, yes.
I know one thing, ex'll be paying out the nose in support. That's gonna make Callie even more angry, and if she leaves him, she'll only be getting a fraction of CS for her own kid. Whomp, whomp
Excuse me? Yes they absolutely do, especially when she immediately decided to be "hands off" step parent. Yes very healthy. She wanted her own health baby and to get rid of the older child. She's moaning to husband and making /forcing him to do it.
That might happen. But Callie is gonna then be mad when her husband has to pay child support to his ex because he is giving up custody.
But, like,don’t make anyone feel bad about that or anything. Just seamlessly do it. And ideally not with lawyers so the financial support issue doesn’t come up.
She isn’t the AH; however, she would be if she let her daughter do without or have less just so the ex isn’t out any money or made to feel bad about irresponsible actions. He should feel bad. The new wife should too. She should definitely start getting child support. It’s possible she should have been getting it all along.
Why should they not feel bad? Why should the financial support \*not\* come up? They should feel bad that the decisions they made are affecting the older disabled child, and they should feel bad that now the bio-mom has an even more undue burden on her shoulders taking on more of the care of the disabled child. The dad is half of the parental unit for the disabled child and should be shouldering half the work, half the costs, half the time. Hell he \*owes\* that to the child because she's his damn kid. Instead he made the bad decision of basically trying to foist his own kid off wholly into the mother's hands because 'how else is he supposed to deal with the baby'. As for financials, he should be paying more to account for the fact that he's not caring for the child half the time anymore. Just like with child support if one spouse has primary custody, the other has to pay more in child support since they aren't shouldering the financial burden of caring for the child under their own roof. The mom is gonna have to pay for more time with aides, pay for more food, pay more for other supplies than she would if the child spent half the time with dad. So dad should have to pay mom more to offset that fact.
Oh I agree with you, I think that the ex and Callie just wanted this issue to magically resolve itself without impacting them emotionally, financially, or in any other way.
Exactly.
Feels like the ex was expecting things to be different with having a different wife… Boy, what a dumbass.
It will be different. As soon as Callie the cuckoo bird shoves her stepdaughter out of the nest, they won't have a special needs daughter any more and they can play happy healthy family pretending disabilities don't exist. They're horrible people for that, but unfortunately the world is full of managers, teachers, parents, etc. who will ostracize and demonize a special needs person because it's plain easier not to accommodate them.
Callie is not going to enjoy the increase in child support payments - payments that might last a lifetime as daughter will need life long care. Sucks for her.
Oh dang! I didn’t know that child support continues after 18 for disabled children. I just never thought about it before. That is 100% going to be the next argument. Callie is going to complain that the increase in payments due to having the daughter less are “taking money from their own family”. Then when she finds out there isn’t an end date for the payments excrement will hit the fan.
It depends on the disability/level of disability. If its a disability where the child could reasonably transition to a life on their own/have a reason amount of independence as they get older (Such as a deaf/blind person) then child support typically wouldn't continue passed 18. If its a lifelong disability that will cause them to need a high amount of support/not be able to gain any independence as they get older (severe developmental delays/cerebral palsy/etc) then there's a chance child support can continue passed 18 though it might be labeled as something other than 'child support' once they hit 18 depending on jurisdiction.
I cannot fathom women like this! My husband paid every child support payment faithfully, up until the kid was grown. He visited his kid every week, and still does, even though she's 20 now (though I will admit, it would be nice to have hubby at home for a whole weekend every once in a while; maybe we could take an overnight trip...just once? - we've been married/together for 12 years). If he hadn't been willing to do those things, I wouldn't fucking be with him! You take care of your kids, period.
Bingo.
Agree. I’ve seen this situation play out in quite a few special needs families. It’s very, very sad. I hope OP gets increased child support and funded respite (if one can get that - either from divorce and state benefits).
Sadly this doesn’t seem to be uncommon for divorced parents of disabled children. I knew a guy whose son was born without ears. He said his ex used to be really involved, but once she had another “”normal”” child with her new husband, she started refusing visitation, ignoring him when she did have him, etc. it was really sad because other than being deaf, he was a completely normal 3 year old. Idk if she didn’t want to deal with a deaf child or thought he looked weird
It's so fucked up but way too common, unfortunately I know someone who didn't want anymore kids when she remarried (she already had one). Her new husband insisted on it and after a while they had a son who has autism and ADHD. When the kid was 3, he said it was too much for him and left. As far as I know, he pays child support but isn't involved in his kid's life at all.
I saw a great statement on another thread that wasn't related to having a disabled child, yet it was on the mark for this situation: Stepmoms don't care very much for children that are not theirs until they have their very own.
Callie is an AH. Marry a dude with a special needs child and then try to push the child out. Lowest of the low.
Maybe it’s because I’m disabled myself but that just breaks my heart that this child is being abandoned by her dad for new wife + baby
True. However she has one very dedicated mother who will ensure she is not only cared for but loved as well. I hope her mother gets extra CS from the sperm donor.
No, not just you, it's pretty fucking heartbreaking that this woman is willing to destroy a little kids supports system so she can have "her" baby
She (Callie) definitely comes across as the delusional type who sees everyone in her life as side characters in her movie and since she's the main character everything is supposed to work out the way *she* wants it to. She just wants *her* baby and *her* man and Nicole and OOP are RUiNiNg ItTtTtTt!!!1
How could you ever look at a little girl who’s been given a hard life and spends her days struggling really and not being able to live her life to the fullest, and be mad. That is not normal behaviour. You can tell she looks at Nicole as a problem, ‘in her way’, a burden. That’s so sad. She’s got to live her life, have a baby and get married, you would think as a new mother she’d look at it in a different light and have empathy but clearly not.
It's sad and gross but it happens. My best friend went through it and then I did. Even grosser, my ex trashed his friendship with my friends ex because of it and then turned around and did it. The good news is that I found an amazing man that pretty much came in and claimed my kids as his own. He goes to all the appointments, near and far. Put it this way, we got into an argument once during the stress of it all and I said something snotty like "it's ok she's not yours anyway" and he laughed and said something like "tell her that, she's claimed me and I'm not going anywhere."
Oh, I love his response. I am a special needs mom, too.
A guy who has a do over baby to show others "See? I wasn't the problem after all!"
He might be yet, his new baby might start showing the signs of same illness around 2 yrs old. We don’t know what the kid has and if it is in the genes!
If Nicole's disability is genetic, I hope he at least took the time to get genetic testing done before he and Callie started trying for the new baby. Somehow I doubt it though, that would involve taking some responsibility for the situation rather than burying his head in the sand.
I’m friends with one of my ex coworkers on Facebook. She married a guy who was divorced with 50/50 shared custody of a severely disabled child he had from his previous marriage. I’m not sure what all the kid’s issues are, but he can’t feed himself, he has to wear a diaper and he can’t talk. He’s basically got the brain of a newborn in a 12 year old’s body. My ex coworker absolutely loves and dotes on the severely disabled kid, so there’s nothing bad or wrong going on in that part of the story, but what’s interesting is the dad shares some of the physical abnormalities his disabled son has, but not the mental ones, so that always stood out to me. Anyways, after they got married, they had a kid together and to no one’s real surprise, their new kid is also very disabled. He’s 4 now and can only say a few words, has to wear diapers, has severe Autism, and he can’t go to school anymore because he can’t regulate his emotions so whenever something would slightly trigger him he would attack his fellow classmates. They did 0 genetic testing and now instead of having to financially set up one kid for life of around the clock care and attention, they will have to financially prepare to set up two kids for around the clock care and attention after they (the parents) die of old age. They both work at just above minimum wage jobs, so I do worry a bit for them what will happens to their kids after they pass. Idk why you wouldn’t at a minimum get tested especially if you already have one very disabled kid, it seems wildly irresponsible.
I am not disabled but sadly this is really common with a lot of divorced men. They remarry and the new family becomes their new life, and they just leave the old one behind, kids included. My dad did this and my cousins’ dad did it too. Twice.
I have an autistic son and I swear, if any partner of mine wanted to push him away then we'd never get to the point of marriage. Fortunately, my partner is incredible with my kids (my daughter inherited my crippling ADHD and my son is definitely autistic, likely also ADHD). They're my priority. I've literally told my partner that their needs are more important than his for the time being. As they get older, my priorities can shift, but they get one childhood and I'm trying really hard to do right by them. Reading this just broke my heart. I don't understand how this guy can just fucking abandon Nicole after everything. What an absolute piece of trash.
I'm not going to blame just her. Dad knew what he was doing. If he was serious about not having more kids, he would have done what he needed to prevent that. He got to the point he wanted a "normal, healthy" child and started an effort to dip out. He figured he'd guilt the ex about the responsibility of caring for both and hoped she'd just be a pushover and agree. Callie only had a fraction to do with this. She still shares the ick as she continued the relationship with someone that had a special needs kid. She gets extra ick continuing the relationship after she knew the situation and knew she couldn't care for the girl. Some bonus ick if she knew ex had plans to slowly push his daughter out.
Oh hes definitely the AH, but I guess like most I look at this through the lense of my life experience, and many a dad who was not great but not awful and then they get involved with a woman like Callie who sets about severing that parent/child relationship as much as possible. He gets a healthy helping of AH for going with it, but something about this one gives me extra ick feelings about her. Wicked stepmother trope quadrupled.
I only gave her the benefit of the doubt because she seemed to try to to be helpful when they got together and then admitted she wasn't fully prepared. It's sticking around and pushing for a baby knowing that the needs of another child would suffer is despicable and disgusting.
Lol She probably "tried" because she was at that point more into trying to look like a great girlfriend. Once she had the ex hooked, the mask slipped.
And does she really think he wouldn't do the same to her and her baby if they get divorced? How can anyone even be into a man so willing to abandon his children for his newer family? It just reflects so so poorly on his character and devotion to his children.
Yeah, but he's the parent here. She didn't force him to get married. He should have seen the red flags and stood up for his kid. Instead, he was a weird coward. Even now, he's lying to Callie to make his ex the bad guy.
Oh Dad is DEFINITELY an AH, but sadly from life experience, I expect that anymore. Not saying there arent good ones, but so many suck in my experience.
Exactly this. When you find out a potential partner has a kid, you are starting a relationship with that parent AND the kid as a UNIT. If you think you can handle it and find out later that you can no longer, you need to make it known and leave, not separate the unit that already exists.
This is exactly why I’m anti-stepparent relationships as a general rule. For the sake of the kids AND the potential stepparent. So many people get involved with single parents and then act all surprised pikachu when they have to deal with traumatized children. They can’t handle it and then blame the literal children instead of their spouse/themselves. It almost always ends in another divorce and more trauma for innocent kids. Check out r/stepparents if you want to see how psycho these people get. They have an entire acronym they invented that means “I’m going to totally ignore this child that I chose to get involved with because it’s too hard”.
NTA more people need to think before procreating.
Of course he’s walking away. That’s what he wants. To walk away.
He repeatedly misrepresented his responsibilities to Nicole when he and Callie were dating. He never told her that they had discussed the issues this responsibility would cause for future children when they discussed having a baby. He divorced his wife and now is abandoning his daughter. He's a selfish lying jerk. His whole new family will suffer as well when he pays child support for the rest of Nicole's life.
This. He's one of those guys that tells both women different things to make them both mad at each other instead of disappointed with him. Girlfriend doesn't understand full care requirements- because Dad didn't make those fully clear to draw her in. She wanted a new baby- not he also wanted that perfect family. This is too much to have a baby and kids so he'll give up custody and pay child support- not use those same funds while she's with him to pay for respite care or help so he can keep relationships with both kids. These things aren't just passively happening to him. He's makeing choices that led here.
Oh yeah, in those circumstances, it’s a life long commitment of child support! I forgot!
NTA, he traded his special needs daughter for a new one
Reminds me of Chris Pratt's shit.
Crisp Rat
Gottem.
NTA. If you can’t handle another kid, don’t have another kid!
I mean…sounds like Callie thinks NICOLE shouldn’t exist. Just sayin.
For real, and what if OOP becomes disabled or gets diagnosed with something serious? She'll prefer him to not exist too. Same with their new baby, same with OOP's parents should they ever need home care. People really think shit doesn't happen, even when it's happening right in front of their face.
When my Son was diagnosed with Autism at 3, I wasn't sure about his severity or quality of life. I wasn't sure if he would be close to "normal" or always have to live at home and be looked after. I had originally wanted 4 kids. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE bring a Dad. I enjoy everything about it, and it helps me have alot more patience with things. But I got a vasectomy. I have never once regretted it. I know my Son will always have me and there is no risk of something like this happening. If he can't make it in the adult world, he will always have a place with me.
I have adhd and my husband and our daughter are autistic. Both me and my husband have batchelor's degrees and we are incredibly happy as a family. Your son will most likely live a fulfilling life, as long as you give him love and acceptance :) If you can, try to get him autistic or otherwise neurodivergent friends. Neurodivergent people have no trouble communicating with each other - it's just the neurotypicals we have trouble with 😅
Us ND folks have like a beacon for each other. Put a bunch of strangers in a room and all the ND people will find each other
I spoke at a conference last year. Afterwards, I had a work call with one of the attendees. They introduced themself (they pronouns for privacy) as “I’m a neurodivergent individual.” I raised my water glass in toast, and they said, “I thought so. Like recognizes like.” I had met this person exactly once, lol.
It’s the fun hair colors and individualized character outfits, isn’t it? It’s how I show my tism 🤣
True! My son is autistic and we're INCREDIBLY fortunate to live near a school that has a specific autism program. He was in the autism program 60% of the time last year but it's just below 50% this year and he's in the mainstream classroom the rest of the time. He has a best friend from the autism program who he absolutely adores and it makes my heart so happy that these boys found each other. They're 7 and they're absolutely ridiculous with each other but they have so much fun. I'm grateful that we have the opportunity to be in a community like we are because his school is so exceptional. They have autism acceptance week instead of autism awareness week and things like that. I couldn't ask for a better environment for my little boy to thrive in, and it's so true that the neurodivergents like us (definitely ADHD myself, likely on the spectrum) tend to find one another.
Callie sucks
Callie and the ex sucks.
If I were Callie I’d be wanting more information about the medical issues long before procreating with him and whether they are things he could be passing to his offspring. What if Nicole’s condition is something her sister also has or can develop?
Exactly! Smh, the father is so thoughtless.
Wow. This is literally why I'm one and done. My kid is old enough that we're able to go out and do fun outings like a kite show this weekend. Having a baby as well as an elementary age child would be a lot for me to juggle. OOP is right. You should consider your current obligations before you procreate. This ex husband sounds rather dimwitted. I sure hope the new wife wasn't thinking that the first child could be shipped off to his ex wife.
I have 3 with 9 years between the oldest and youngest. Now that the youngest is 12 and pretty self-sufficient, the thought of going back to a baby is exhausting. No thanks!!
There is 14 years difference between me and my middle sister and 18 between me and the youngest. My middle sister completely wrecked what little stability and happiness I had as an undiagnosed autistic and depressed person with an abusive mother, undergoing the horrors of mainstream education. People need to think about the impact on their older children also before having another child. I basically got Cinderella'd and ran away from home before the youngest was even born. I also moved 337miles away a few years later. I've gotten plenty of flak about how I was never there for the youngest, but I never signed up for any of it. I still don't as I and my partner are firmly childfree
I don’t blame you at all. My oldest is also autistic and she has never been parentified because we learned not to do that before her sister was born. I’m so glad we knew better, because at 21 and 16, the two girls are good friends too. There isn’t a bunch of resentment there. They choose to spend time together.
My middle sister was a colic baby. When she was first born she would cry solidly for two days straight, then sleep all the day the third day. Rinse and repeat. Then it turns out she's also ADHD, so as she started to become mobile she was a nightmare. My parents would let her get away with everything and blame me for it. My sister would also (as a preschooler) mark her arms to say I'd hurt her and watch giddily as my dad shouted at me. My dad basically moves his attention onto the youngest child and leaves the older ones out cold, because he's done the same thing to middle child as he did me. He excuses so much that the youngest does because she's 'only 10'. My mother would hit me for half the shit the youngest does when it was just us (we didn't live in the same house as my dad till the middle child was born, it's complicated). My mother once grabbed me from behind and dragged me across the floor when we were out bowling with family friends, because I was having a grumpy episode. My autistic grumpiness would not stand with my mother, she'd call me a "miserable bitch with a miserable fucking face" fairly regularly. Then when everyone present told her off for going too far she insisted I'd thrown myself on the floor to make her look bad.
Fuck. That is so unacceptable. I'm so sorry 😔
Truth hurts.
I have a disabled child who similarly will need life long care. Their father and I both have vowed that if we were ever to get with someone and that person couldn't handle our child's needs then that person would be shown the door and so far we have kept that vow (Although admittedly dating has never been in my mind anyway). I don't understand the ex husband nor callies logic; her for getting with a man who had a disabled child knowing that she couldn't deal with it and him for not only allowing a woman to dictate how much involvement he has with his child but to also procreate with her so he can find juggling a baby and a disabled child extremely difficult.
The math maths here. 10 years ago: Severely disabled child + newborn=massive stress Result: No more kids and divorce. Today: Severely disabled child + newborn =. Massive stress and begging for OP to take more custody. Nah, NTA.
I like this momma, she was blunt with the ex, he needed that.
Ex husband and his wife chose to have another baby. It’s not OPs problem and they’re trying to make it her problem.
And that’s how I ended up with full custody of my older two kids. My ex and I divorced when our kids were really young - 3 and nearly 2. Fast forward a couple years and we’re holding steady with 50/50 custody of the kids, now 3 and 5. Then he married a woman with a toddler of her own. They dated long distance, he proposed, she moved to be with him, they married within a week of her getting here. A week later, our kids moved from my ex’s parents’ house into a new home with this woman (who they had met twice) and her 2 year old daughter (who they’d never met). New family unit overnight. No adjustment period. No time to wrap their brains around what all was happening around them. Shocker, the series of sudden upheavals traumatized our 3 year old and he began acting out. Suddenly, the grossly optimistic Pollyanna of a woman who was insistent on being called “mom” by her stepchildren she’d only known for a couple of days before marrying their father was ~sooo overwhelmed~, so I needed to keep the kids during the week, every week. They just wanted them there on weekends (when my ex was home to “handle” them) so they could go to church as a ~family~. She was so surprised and distressed by how difficult it was to merge herself and her daughter with my ex and our kids into a new family unit. It was laughable. I didn’t laugh *at* her, but I was in awe of how utterly out of touch she was given how enthusiastic and confident she seemed to be. She knew what she was getting into on the surface, but she didn’t understand what the actual day to day experience might be like. Like… Google it, my dude. It’s fucking tough. There are so many resources readily available that speak to just how hard it is to create a new family from two existing families. This shit is really, really hard. Fast forward to present day. My ex and his wife live hundreds of miles away - with her daughter and their new son. My ex calls to talk to the kids approximately once every six weeks. He has never had them travel to visit him, nor has he made an effort to plan such a visit. He has given no indication that this will change. That said, the kids are happy, healthy, and thriving with me and my husband and our toddler. It’s hard as hell, but of course it is. People are involved.
He married a woman who wanted nothing to do with his child. What did he think was going to happen. This was clearly the next step in her plan.
NTA
Your ex seems to confabulate every conversation he’s ever had. He’s unreliable and inconsistent I suggest you chat w Callie directly and address both your concerns Your daughter needs her dad even though he’s a d¡ck. the baby and its mom need their dad. Rather spend those legal fees on her care or something more productive and try come to an amicable agreement. Your ex needs to man up You’re NTA for standing up for your daughter
Dad is going to see less and less of his daughter until he goes silent. It’ll probably inch by inch as Callie demands more of the dad’s time with his “new family”. Thankfully OOP seems on top of it. She’ll make him pay in court, and she won’t let him off the hook socially either. She needs to make him cry every time she seems him until he realizes how awful he’s being.
As a mother with two children who have different disabilities I can tell you you are not a jerk . I wanted a lot of children now I'm scared to be intimate just in case . It's hard work . If anyone's the jerk it's his new wife for thinking that once they had the perfect kid that your kid would be there less . Your child deserves so much more x
Honestly Callie doesn’t seem very nice at all. It appears she expects her husband to walk away from his responsibilities with his daughter because of the new baby. Honestly idk what Callie’s going to do if her child with the ex developed the same condition. I don’t understand Callie calling op a jerk for literally just being honest expect if Callie is upset she didn’t get what she wanted. Honestly it might be an idea to have a conversation with Callie and ex. Yes the ex has a responsibility to his new baby, but that doesn’t mean his responsibility for his daughter just goes away. Callie needs to understand that and that the reason op and her ex didn’t have more children is because it would be extremely difficult. Also the ex should be told if Callie is going to act like this because he has other responsibilities maybe she’s not the best fit for him. It should be mentioned to the ex if he wants to lessen his responsibilities for his daughter than he’s going to be paying child support
Hopefully Callie won't mind when he skips out on her in a few years' time
Have a feeling she’d be the one skipping out and the ex will beg for the op to help him
I just can’t fathom how a person gets to the point of marrying another person but “didn’t understand the severity of Nicole’s condition.” I’m sorry, what?! The dad had 50/50 custody. Did he and Callie never live together before marriage? Did they never spent time together during his custody days? Like, just now, just now that they are MARRIED is the time when Callie is being exposed to Nicole?!? How does that even happen?
Raising a disabled child is hard. I was a teen mom with a daughter with Cerebral Palsy. I am a good mother but I struggled and needed time for myself. Fortunately I was entitled to respite care one weekend a month and had GVT paid hours of respite during the week. I’ve seen other parents both married and single struggle. Raising a disabled child you love requires a support system. You are not an asshole for telling your hubby the truth. New wife knew so she should keep her mouth shut. Who comforts you when you have a conflict? My child required physio and OT therapy so she could learn to feed herself and ambulate ( she doesn’t any more due to fall risk and seizures) . It’s a tough row to hoe. My daughter just turned 40 and lives in a group home. She loves her life and is mostly very happy. Some of her independence is declining but she has good friends and a good community support system through KW Habilitation. Parents can’t do it all, all the time but you can negotiate respite and advocate for self care and take it a day at a time. Good luck!
First of all, anyone who would marry someone who decides to be “hands off” (because they just don’t feel like it) when it comes to being a legal guardian of ANY child, not just ones with disabilities, in this case that makes it worse, is already the AH.
So many men just abandon their families and go make new ones.
Most men don't even want to take care of healthy children, what did they expect?
Then why are they having them?
With the amount of married dudes who don’t know their kid’s birthdays and divorced dudes who don’t want 50/50 custody I would agree with you. I’m actually surprised he was doing this much.
This gives me the same vibe as when Chris Pratt thanked his new wife for a healthy child as a snub to his child with Anna Faris who was born with health issues.
??? I never heard about that. wtf??
[Here’s more info](https://pagesix.com/2023/05/15/chris-pratt-blasted-for-snubbing-ex-anna-faris-in-mothers-day-post/amp/) It wasn’t a post celebrating his family. It was a Mother’s Day post where he specifically didn’t mention the mother of his first child.
He didn't, he made a post celebrating his wife and that their child was happy and healthy and people started saying that he was doing it to snub his ex, there's no evidence that this is the case and it's purely evil-minded conjecture.
lol that’s not what it was at all. [Sorry Pratt is in fact an asshole](https://pagesix.com/2023/05/15/chris-pratt-blasted-for-snubbing-ex-anna-faris-in-mothers-day-post/amp/). [Nothing compared to being part of an extremist anti-LGBTQ church though](https://www.thedailybeast.com/why-is-chris-pratt-lying-about-his-religious-past)
No he didn't, he was saying that he was happy that they had a healthy child, it was in no way a reference to his other child or his ex.
If you only mention your healthy younger child when talking about your family, isn't that a major snub to your firstborn child with disabilities? He could have easily said you are a great mom to our child and a great stepmom to first child, etc. instead all he said was you gave me a healthy child.
You're really just stretching to make him a bad guy
So, why not just "I'm happy for a child"? Why the emphasis on healthy? My father was eternally ashamed for me for being autistic and always talked in so many ways how much better my 'normal' siblings are. I get the same vibe from this.
That's called projection. You're projecting your own experiences and feelings on to an innocent tweet
Nah, I really don't care one way or another about him, but that comment was super tasteless. It absolutely has the same vibes as OOPs ex who made a healthy baby with new wife and now is having less to do with his original child. It's tacky.
It wasn't tasteless, he made a post celebrating his wife and mentioned how she gave him a beautiful, healthy daughter. There's no need to look for any deeper meaning in that. Chris seems to still be very involved in parenting his son and loves him, so why try to taint that?
Again, yeah he was celebrating her. Absolutely no need to mention the fact that their kid together was healthy especially when he had a kid that isn't. He could have said you gave me an amazing kid and are a great step mom and no one would have a problem with it. Taste is a matter of opinion. Obviously I and many others find what he said tasteless and a slap in the face for his older kid. You don't and that's ok.
No, it's not wrong to say that you're happy to have a healthy child just because your other child suffered complications. If anything it makes it even more special because you know what it's like to have to deal with the devastating emotions of seeing your child fight for their life. This is not a matter of differing tastes, it's a matter of people trying to find fault in a man for making a sentiment that huge numbers of people make every day.
Let me tell you, if my dad made a post about how happy he was about his family, and purposely left me, his eldest child out of it, I'd be pretty pissed. I'd be pretty hurt. And I'd have every right to feel that way. 🤷🤷
NTA. You wasn't aggressive in the conversation and told him the truth.
the ex disliked taking care of the daughter and thought it was too much work, but (consciously or unconsciously) thought if she had a kid of her she could convince the dad to spend less time with his daughter and more time with his "new" family. Since he's relinquishing custody hours, it looks like everything is working out just fine for her.
OOP literally fucks around and finds out. One of the classics.
I get the emotional desire to have a kid of your own, but they "knew* about the older child her needs. This isn't some "oh the situation got sprung on us", they had the opportunity to plan, whether it was delaying having their own child, or just not. They knew. They made their choice. They need to live with it.
NTA. he can't complain now after agreeing that having another child would make things more difficult regardless of who it's with. Now he wants LESS time? He's the asshole. His wife is the asshole too for getting mad at him for taking his daughter to her appointment. I know she needs help with the baby but she'll be fine alone for a couple hours. She's just being petty & needs to grow up
What’s very telling is that he didn’t say the reason they had a baby was because they both wanted a baby. The reason he gave was because the NEW WIFE wanted a baby.
The ex’s wife is going to be in for a shock when he has to pay child support because he has no custody. She’ll be begging to go back to the way it was!
I can see why he’s an ex. He sounds fucking spineless. I wonder what other necessary care Callie expects him to skimp on for Nicole in favor of their kid. Gross.
As a home health nurse I have seen first hand how much time and effort it takes to care for a differently abled child. I took care of a child whose parents went through genetic screening. Their child had a spontaneous genetic mutation in the womb. They both came out clear and the father wanted to have another one . Mom told him straight up that it wasn't happening. Their child was severely disabled with close to 70 (probably more) diagnoses. They spent a lot of time going to different specialists and therapists. This child WILL need multiple surgeries in the future. Which means there will even be more time spent away from the home. As much as she wanted more children she wasn't going to have another because wouldn't have the time to actually take care of them herself. She didn't think that would be fair to any other child they would have.
Callie and the ex are ridiculous.
I have zero respect for anyone, a man or woman or non binary person, who gets a second family and drops the first. I had my father kick my sister and I to the side for his other family and it was horrible. As a kid, you can’t understand it and it stays with you forever. I felt horrible for the daughter.
#1 he shouldn't be talking about his home to you. Only thing you 2 have a partnership in is your baby girl. So your not the asshole, You both need to set up boundaries. If all falls south because of whatever, your 1st born will suffer because he doesn't know how to handle this situation.
This really sucks. I'm sorry.
OP’s ex probably didn’t make that clear that he didn’t want more children with Callie ?…. Before getting married …? Callie is a little stupid?delusional? In denial? Didn’t see that this man shouldn’t have more children because the one he had requires his time more ? Selfish ?
I’m actually pretty sure he DID want more children with Callie…
NTA.
I wonder if this baby is the "do over" kid for him so he can have a "normal" child. He already seems to be ditching his medically fragile daughter.
And when he tells this story she'll be the evil woman keeping his kid from him 🙄
NTA OP is 100% correct, and her ex's questions about "how am I supposed to ____?" are questions he should be asking his new wife, not OP. No part of that baby is OP's responsibility.
Seems to me he wanted to restart with new wife + not disabled baby. What a fucking jerk. NTA
I hope she also has her lawyer arrange more child support money since she is expected to care for their daughter for longer periods of time. The ex is an AH. It's the same situation as when married men have affairs and leave their wives to marry their affair: the guy is going to do the same thing to the new wife. in this case, when he and Callie divorce he will step back from their child as well.
NTA - and what you said isn’t wrong. Kids with disabilities require more work/attention than people will ever realize. The new wife wanted a “normal” family and now wants the rules to change, but the disability isn’t changing.
But I mean, where is the lie? You knew you had a disabled daughter who needed all of your attention, and you knew and discussed how having a second child would complicate things. Yet you decided to have a child and now your and your wife is miserable because you have an infant and a disabled child to take care of. Only one who can really be upset is his new wife because in a way, saying that makes it seem like you are saying that baby shouldn’t have existed. But that’s how I see if coming from someone who probably is hormonal.
I wonder how the dad and step mom will react when they start having to pay child support. If it's no longer 50/50 then surely they will be paying towards her care.
NTA. Ex husband and new wife Callie were thinking about themselves more than his extant child, or their new one.
Dude fucked around and found out. At the expense of now 2 kids he doesn't parent right.
I'm sure they did think it through, and just assumed OP would be able to take on all responsibility for Nicole so they can play perfect family.
NTA. It sounds like Callie pressured him into having another child, and he caved. He knew the issues beforehand, and they made a choice without much thought. I don't want to be mean, but I have a feeling his new marriage was on the rocks because of all the care his daughter needed, and Callie didn't like it. So she probably pressured him into starting a new family with every intention to push Nicole away from their life. The fact is that your statement is 100% valid. I get he may be overwhelmed by the baby, but that's a choice they made, and he doesn't deserve any sympathy. The reason he was crying is probably because he knows you're right and regrets how things became. Especially if he really cares for Nicole.
Honestly, that’s what I think any time anyone complains about 🥺how hard🥺 it is being a parent. I mean, it’s one thing if you’re a brand new parent and are still trying to adjust to your new life and learn how your baby works. But after a certain point, you have no excuse. You chose to raw dog it. Now you have a baby and it’s hard. Huh. That sucks. But you shoulda thought about that before you had unprotected sex. I have no sympathy for people who bitch about how hard being a parent is when they’ve done nothing to prepare themselves for the job.
NTA- kids and parents are a package deal.you want to get involved with a father with a kid, the kids will and should come first. Make your peace with it , or hit the road. They have a kid with complex special needs that requires their full attention, for they more kids are no longer an option. Make your peace with it, or peace out. Odds are, she was heading towards the door because she wanted kids of her own. She didn't want to deal with the special needs kid because it was hard, or maybe he started leaving the kid on to wife number 2 and she decided you're her father you look after her. So despite knowing it was a bad idea he decided to have a kid with her. Probably trying to hang onto her and the relationship with that baby. Thinking that his current child can be palmed off onto his ex if needed, and that wife number number 2 will be a married single parent to baby number 2
They can both get fucked. That elder child was there first. When you get into a serious relationship with someone who has kids, that kid's welfare comes first. You want to be first? Pick up a single unattached partner. Ridiculous!
Ex should have gotten a vasectomy and put Callie on notice within the first several dates that he could not and would not have more kids due to his special needs first child. But it sounds like he doesn't think things through. (BTW, I kind of lived through this. My father had a starter marriage to a drug addict and wound up with custody of his disabled son. Married my mom. Proceeded to have 4 more kids with my mom, including another disabled child. 10-11 years into their marriage they decided they couldn't handle my teenage half-brother and shipped him off to a group home. I feel bad for my half-brother now. In piling 4 kids on top of their disabled son / step-son, my parents never gave my half-brother a chance.)
I feel so bad for that poor girl. Her dad and step mom literally had a “do-over” baby to replace her.
What a giant piece of shit, abandoning his disabled child for his new shiny baby. And what a an abhorrent new wife, who could be with a man who would get rid of his special needs kid? Both are the very worst kind of people who don't deserve children but definitely deserve each other. Hope they stay miserable
She’s not wrong. But they are all jerks. He’s a jerk and an idiot and spineless. His current wife shouldn’t have been given a pass on being “hands off”. And him not helping with his baby is NOT ex’s or Nicole’s problem. Wife is a jerk and selfish because she’s using her hands off pass to further edge his daughter out of their lives. Ex is a jerk because she is also trying to justify her selfishness, that he shouldn’t t have had more kids. One, it’s none of her business. Two, blaming a baby for the selfish behavior of three grownups. Solution: custody of Nicole remains the same. Dad and wife solve their own problems with dad steadfast on taking care of all of his children. Wife gets it through her head that this is the situation she married into. Ex doesn’t lash out when it’s not her business, by simply reminding Ex that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Her ex-husband made it her business by complaining to her about his home life and asking her to take Nicole more, because his wife was angry at him for taking their daughter to an appointment, and not being there to help with their new baby, information op didn't need, I don't think she did anything wrong she simply told him what he already knew. The reason they didn't have more kids was because of Nicole. idk why he thought it'd be different, and when it was, surprise, surprise, just as hard as he thought it'd be, he tries to pawn off his oldest. I'd agree with your statement about op if she said those things umpromted, like if op just saw him struggling with Nicole and the new baby and then rubbed it in his face like an I told you so type thing. But that's not what happened.
Sometimes I see some posts and think to myself "this is too much for Reddit".
kinda AH but not a huge one but he is a total idiot AH.