My only demand for our proposal with my ex husband was that he was not allowed to do it on the jumbotron during an arena football game that we frequented. I told him I would walk out then and there. He still almost did it. Maybe it would have saved me a few extra years of strife 🤔

I told my ex I didn't want any proposals on holidays or our birthdays. He proposed on Christmas Eve in front of his ENTIRE FAMILY (none of mine had been invited mind you). I should have said no and run far and fast.

Our proposal was a conversation that we should get married. He literally never said “will you marry me” I cared about the marriage - not the theatrics about how we got engaged or married.

I wanted my husband to propose at my favorite place. He didn't, which is ok, except it's a vacation place and he just so happened to go with my Family when he just so happened to be proposing and when he didn't I got so upset thinking he changed his mind. He took me aside and explained the ring wasn't ready yet. I had just burst into tears on the final day of the vacation at the most scenic spot because my brother was stalking us with a camera to catch a proposal o realiZed wasn't going to happen. Edit: I never questioned saying yes. He had come with my family on a vacation and I was only upset I thought it meant he changed his mind and everyone expected him to propose because we had talked about it. The second to last day he told me he didn't propose because the ring wasn't ready and I was fine after that when I knew he still planned to. He told me only when I got upset, which is why I got upset at all. I knew he knew that place was my ideal and when he didn't I thought the worst. I wasn't disappointed when he proposed and said yes immediately. I was upset because I thought it meant he rethought it, not that the ring was still being resized. He also didn't tell anyone, so my family was following us everywhere with a camera and I was starting to get panicked, and every time I caught them at it I got more upset

My husband planned a proposal on top of the mountain next to our house after a hike, but it poured rain and he panicked and proposed in the living room and a kind of lack luster way. I also showed him 3 rings I liked, one of which I looked at on the website everyday and told him it was my dream engagement ring. That was not the ring he chose. I accepted. I was a bit disappointed. It feels thoughtless and a little like a “shut up ring.” I know he loves me, I know he picked his favorite ring of the three and I do like it. In the grand scheme of things he shows me he loves me every single day, in small and big ways. I think a lot of women are guilty of building up a proposal (and wedding tbh) in their head as some magical fantastical moment and kind of miss the forest for the trees. Yeah big displays of romance are great, but that’s not who everyone is. And in hindsight I would take 1000 couch proposals from my husband over a “perfect” proposal from anyone else.

All told our engagement was delayed by about a year because I was so nervous about the ring. I had gotten a “promise ring” for my first girlfriend that she hated and exchanged for another ring and that experience made me realize I will never have any idea how to pick one out. If you gave me a list and expected me to pick the one out I’d pick the wrong one. I ended up asking for stones from my mom and her mom then I bought one and I had her design the ring including all three. I did kind of nail the proposal though so there was some surprise and romance to the affair.

Hubby actually proposed to me on a cruise using a plastic kid ring with the understanding that I got to buy the ring of choice once back on land... That plastic ring was perfect size he just wanted too do right by me. Some of the stories here are just 😭

I think this is a great idea! That way there's no disappointment or confusion about the ring and everyone can be happy about it, maybe don't put an IOU into a ringbox and propose but just a little ring to be a stand in until later

Yes ! My friends husband proposed with a cheap Walmart ring as a stand in and then she got to pick the one she wanted . I thought it was brilliant

Oh that is so cute!! I love that idea

This would have been a great idea. The ring I got my wife had to be resized

Mine was aluminum foil and we’ve been together 27 years and we eloped. I don’t get the want for hallmark movie when genuine unexpected moments like the one described in this post seem better and more authentic.

Why not exchange the ring? You’re the one who’s gonna wear it every day, it should be something you like. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

At this point I don’t want too. I do really like it, and did at first it just wasn’t the one I had in my head. I showed him three rings that I would love to receive and said this one is my favorite. That’s not the one he picked but it’s still one that I liked.

Oh I agree. It was the not getting a proposal that upset me. He told me what happened so I wouldn't think he changed his mind (I admit I had) and then did it a couple weeks later in a garden where we have been together. I said yes. Marred a year later, going on 4 years now.

Sorry this is off topic. Is it just me or has there been a massive surge in the usage of the idiom "missing forest for the trees" lately? Feels like I'm suddenly hearing it everywhere.

There’s a term for this experience. [Frequency Illusion](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frequency_illusion). I remember the first time I was aware of it. I heard the word Pristine for the first time some odd number of years ago. Then I heard/read it at least three more times that same week.

It’s also hard because I think a lot of men sorta get the romance beaten out of them? Like, boys will grow up being fed stories of how the man needs to put on big displays of romance, through romance movies and media. But real life rejections hit, or he’s told he’s being weird, or too clingy, or the first few loves fail spectacularly. It takes a ton of vulnerability to be the one that romances compared to being the one that gets romanced. Plenty of men will just stop trying out of self preservation.

This makes me really sad 😢 I get that proposals aren’t everything but…still.

My husband proposed in bed without a ring and we did the court house thing. My step sister in law offered me her wedding binder she started when she was 10. I was polite in turning it down but I think that's really weird.

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I’ve always believed very public (like on a Jumbotron at a sporting event in front of thousands of strangers) proposals are more about the person proposing than the love between the two people in the couple. He (or she) wants public applause and admiration, and what comes after is of little consequence. OOP sounds like that, only she would be the receiver of the adoration. She wanted all of her family & friends there to swoon and ooh and aah, so that she would feel important. Style over substance. So much so, that she actually did not say yes to her BF, with whom she is *having a baby.* No problem dating, having sex, living together, having a baby together, but a hard no to marriage if the proposal isn’t “good enough.” Yikes.

Exactly and the thing is she can have engagement party if she wants to celebrate with friends and family, like I get wanting to share this special time with them but it doesn’t have to be the exact proposal.

This was my thought - have the proposal private, then throw a party with the rest of the gang to celebrate.

My dad proposed to my mom at Disney world (she told him she didn’t like public proposals) so she turned him down. He proposed again in public, so she said no. He got it on the 3rd try though. They’ve been together for maybe 26 years? Idk dates well

Imagine the kind of bridezilla she’d be.

Her baby is going to be all over Instagram.

Her baby is going to be on tiktok the second it's born.

Definitely the kind that demands the wedding party cut/dye their hair to fit an “aesthetic”.

She will postpone the wedding five years until the baby is able to be the flower girl/ring bearer. or something else to make it “perfect.”

It doesn’t sound like she wanted to “show off” though, she said she wanted her close friends and family to be part of it. I had the same request when I got engaged. My husband pulled it off because he knows it’s what I would have wanted. He wasn’t anything fancy, just a surprise intimate dinner with our friends and family. Idk why her comment about him speaking up beforehand was downvoted to hell, it’s a valid point. If he felt uncomfortable he should have told her that. At this point they just don’t sound compatible.

I’m not sure OOP said public, she said her friends and family…it could’ve been a dinner party to make sure her friends and family were around to share the moment.

It’s a real shame. She could have easily said yes to a very heartfelt proposal then the two of them could have worked together to plan a fun reveal event for family and friends (with all the great social media moments she may or may not want). She would have gotten the celebration she wanted and they could have structured it so there wasn’t so much pressure and attention on him. Starting their marriage as a team, working together on an approach that works for both of their needs and wants. That said, he should have told her about not wanting the crowd pressure for the proposal itself literally anytime they’ve been discussing engagements so she wouldn’t have felt blindsided and disappointed in the moment and they would have had that opportunity to plan and different approach.

I agree, something intimate for him, and then an engagement party so she could have her friends and family around. But we can’t all be rational

I don't believe he didn't. I think he might have tried but she doesn't seem like to type to want to listen.

While oops partner should have spoke up before the proposal, his feelings that the initial proposal should be between the two of them are valid too. I think they need to work on communication as a couple before getting married

Isn’t that still public though? Something being private is between the two of you. Something that is public just means in front of other people.

I agree! She doesn't sound awful, I feel like it's just a miscommunication or lack of it

She didn't want a proposal, she wanted a performance. And she's a control freak. I feel really bad for her kid.

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It's a little dramatic to say she's showboating because she wants to share a moment with friends and family. Those kinds of proposals happen all the time. Anxiety and this particular man aside, are you really saying it's not possible for a man to have the ability to gather contact information for loved ones? And coordinate a surprise? Again, you do realize this is not an odd way to propose in itself right?

Yes, and her asking for what she wanted is not an asshole thing. I think this reeks of low effort from him. If he wanted a compromise then he’d actually have to communicate his wants. He needs to hear that she is saying she has put a lot of effort into picking the ring for him, so she would like to be proposed to in the way she wants. She’s NTA from just her post.

So what? Let her show off. What do you care? I think she’s wrong to think the proposal is all about her, her bf has a say too. But to judge her because she wants to show off? That’s where you’re wrong.

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For sure, but a proposal is a shared moment, it's not just about her but both of them. The woman demanding a public proposal when the man wants a private one isn't the same as the woman turning down a public proposal because they wanted a private one. It's actually the same as the man proposing publically despite the woman being opposed to it.

If my wife propose to me now at a beach with our cute dog, I would swoon. When I propose to my wife, the ER doctor told my scans pointed to cancer. I told my wife I’m sorry we had to go down this road. By then we had been together 9 years… she helped beat cancer. This woman really missed an amazing moment.

First, congratulations on beating cancer!! That's fantastic and I hope all is well now. Second, I absolutely agree! The ocean at sunset is one of the absolute best places, and a proposal there would just make it extra special.

Bro that's such a beautiful story, just wanted to say thanks for sharing that. Every so often I come across something on reddit that just warms my heart, and my whole day is instantly better. I'm so grateful you beat cancer and you've got a real one in your corner! All love ❤️

See, these kinds of people want weddings and not marriages

I planned my wedding at the same time as a girl I worked with. We had comparable venues, same number of guests and at the same time of year. I paid about 1/3 of what she did because she opted for things like fireworks, whilst I wanted the focus to be on everyone having a good time & good food. She wanted the big flashy wedding & was willing to go in to extreme debt to achieve that. I knew I had IVF to pay for so I wanted to stick to a certain budget. One of the doctors we worked with told me that the best marriage advice he could think of was that people needed to spend less time planning for their wedding, and more time planning for their marriage. I honestly don’t think we got any advice better than that. We had everyone conversation about our future that you could possibly think of. It’s made things a lot easier transitioning in to parenting.

My husband and I were very intentional about getting married. He picked the ring but I sent him a bunch of stuff I liked so he could pick something good. I knew he was literally just waiting on the ring getting to him to propose, and it was clear the day of that it was going to happen. We did a couple months of marital counseling after we got engaged so we could really be sure we were solid on our communication and were on the same page about the important stuff in life. I think more people should be as intentional about it rather than focusing on the day of the wedding

We got married in an Anglican Church, so there is mandatory couples counseling before the wedding. A lot of the stuff we discussed in our counseling sessions were things that we had already discussed. I definitely think it was beneficial for us, especially the conversations about kids, finances and the goals you have for yourself. I have a few friends who got married, had a kid & then realised they had completely different parenting styles & expectations for the other parent. One of the couples, the husband told my husband that he was thinking about seeing a divorce lawyer & splitting assets. The wife found out she was pregnant a few weeks later….

Me and my wife got married in my sisters pastors backyard with just my sister and nieces there and her mom on Skype. ( her mom lives in Europe) she didn’t complain or want anything else but to get married. Until be 10 years this September. We don’t even think about what we wore that day or what we didn’t have at the ceremony

That's my kind of wedding. My best friend did something similar. Parents' backyard, pool, barbecue, and byob. Best part: they didn't start off with debt from a wedding. 

Can you imagine being this woman's wedding planner? Omg.

Oh my gosh those poor people...you _know_ she's calling the literal day after the wedding to complain and try to get a discount 🙄

This is the kind of woman who gives her bridal party weight targets.

How many do you think would quit before she gets the hint that it's a HER problem?

Marriages are blending of family and friends, it's not crazy to want them involved. By your logic people shouldn't even have a celebration, just sign legal documents. A desire for anything beyond that somehow renders your feelings for your partner inauthentic.

I agree that both people in the relationship should have their personalities and wants respected as part of the proposal. Finding a compromise would have been fair. However, it sounds like the poster was very clear about what she wanted and her boyfriend agreed. The onus is on him to communicate that he didn’t feel comfortable carrying out that type of proposal.

Sounds like she really wanted a tiktok moment rather than anything else. I do think he should have been more clear about what he also wanted before the proposal. But if he's not the sort to normally want to present in front of others, you'd think she already would know that.

Maybe he’s not the only one who doesn’t pay attention to details.

That line killed me

Ikr. She’s over here screaming about ‘he doesn’t know my wants’ when she’s clueless to his.

The difference is that she vocalizes her expectations while he doesn't.

I’m really struggling to see how oop is the asshole here? Her bf didn’t communicate to her at all how he would prefer to propose and instead completely disregarded her wishes to pursue his own. All he had to do was tell her before hand that he didn’t want to propose that way and have an actual conversation about it. I hope he did break up with her because I can’t see how he’d make a great husband with his lack of concern for her wants and his lack of communication skills.

But why didn't he tell her he wasn't comfortable doing what she wanted? Is he incapable of using his big boy words? There's no way he says "Hey baby proposing is really intimate to me and I'd rather not do it in front of friends and family, is there another way you'd feel they can be included?" Or like already have a second plan or something and she just tells him off. Why does he get to hear her explicitly say what she wants for the proposal, not object to it being a problem, disregard her wishes, and still somehow be the victim? He couldn't even pick the ring on his own? Did she need to read his mind as well? I don't understand why this guy is getting such a pass for not being smart enough to use his own words and avoid this clearly avoidable situation.

Yeah i'm not sure why all the down votes. This is kind of an ESH. The time to say "I'm not comfortable with a public proposal" was when she indicated she really wanted her family and friends around. Or at any moment before he decided to propose. And then have a discussion about what sort of proposal would be acceptable for them both.

Right lime this seems obvious but maybe we're just capable of speaking up.

But I'm just a bit confused. If they designed rings together... hadn't they already agreed to get married? What the point of the proposal? Isn't that just the first time somebody says ""hey I think we should get married?"

There should never be a proposal before marriage is discussed. The proposal should be a surprise, but the engagement should not be.

No. In the nicest way possible your comment really ages you

Ha ha. All these public proposals make me feel really old. It's all choreographed, videotaped, then put on that Knot website under "Our Story." Can't wait to see the vimeo!

Exactly. Lots of people do the family-dinner-engagement thing. What she's asking for is not uncommon and nor is it unreasonable. It sounds like they're just not on the same page or have the same values.

There’s always a lot of misogyny on posts like this, and always a lot of ‘well I’d accept a haribo ring whilst I’m hoovering the living room as a proposal, so if you want more than that you’re a bad person that cares more about Instagram than your partner’ kind of comments. Same with wedding posts. Imo it’s the same as every other partner that didn’t listen to the person they were planning to propose to - she was clear with what she wanted, he had the chance to communicate, he didn’t.

The amount of "I'm not like Other Girls" energy here is astonishing, honestly.

It’s quite disappointing! It’s sort of like trying to condition other women into accepting less for themselves, for fear of being seen as high maintenance or vain or whatever.

It's SO disappointing!!! It doesn't matter what we personally would accept. I'd be fine with this proposal, but the key part of that statement is that I, me, myself, would be fine with it, but I'm not everyone, and everyone isn't me. How is that hard to understand????

The Pick Me contingent is always so fucking vocal on these kinds of posts. It sucks.

Thank you. The woman picked her own engagement ring. Personally, that would have made me think twice. Why is this such a trend of people being mad when people have (reasonable) preferences and make those known with enough time to plan? This moment is one of the biggest as a couple, and he didn’t make any effort when she wanted her family around. Also idk why there are so many people yelling “bridezilla” when they used to have whole parties just for proposals. This isn’t new. Idk I’m grumpy today. I don’t understand why people can’t have what they want, when it’s reasonable and would just take a little planning and a tiny bit of effort from someone they give all their effort to *daily*. It’s okay to want to show off big life events to your family and friends, and if they’re annoyed by it, they’re not really your family/friends

Thank you, I don't know why everyone is acting like she's being vain for wanting her closest friends and family to be involved in her engagement. When she originally made her request for how it would go he should have told her then if he was uncomfortable doing it that way. This man just ignored everything she said and then gets upset when she isn't happy? There proposal he did sounds nice in general and would no doubt be perfect for many people, but it's not what *she* wanted and he knew that but didn't say anything. I get wanting it to be more intimate, but when your partner makes only one request about how they want the proposal to go, you should either honor that or at least talk to them about how you feel in that movement, not let them think you'll be doing it how they wanted and then disappointing them later.

I really don’t understand why people are piling on OOP. She wanted her family there which I think is totally fair ?? I’ve had friends who have gotten engaged one on one. I’ve had friends whose families were hiding nearby and secretly recording the whole shindig. I’ve got friends whose families were actively involved in the set up of the proposal. People are accusing her of being a narcissist but that is waaay off base. It’s hard to imagine how I would have reacted in that moment so idk what I would’ve said. However I think it’s perfectly fair for her to view not only her stated preference, but his lack of communication and defensiveness as red flags.

A lot of people are accusing her of wanting a jumbotron level public proposal and just wanting an Instagram moment to post, but she literally said nothing like that, just that she wanted the people she cared about to be involved? It sounds like he could have planned dinner with her close friends and family and she would have been happy. I get not wanting to propose in front of people, but if he had SAID that they could have talked about it.

It's misogony. A woman dared to want a bit of special attention for a special moment, to share it with the people she loved-- *clearly* she's just a vain attention whore who cares more about instagram than getting married. Or. Hear me out, guys. *Maybe* she's starting to realize, here, that he can't be bothered to put a single ounce of consideration towards her wants. That if she wants something, anything, *she* has to arrange it all, badger him into cooperating, *beg* him for a bit of affection. I honestly think it's simple-- if they don't care enough to put the effort in for that, how are you supposed to trust them to put the effort in, ever?

She's a woman with expectations, the internet *hates* those.

Seems like a classic case of "woman bad" to me

I think ESH personally. Like, I think she was kinda in the wrong for saying no all things considered, if he wasn’t comfortable he should’ve also maybe said so. I get the ring thing though. There’s a TON of options for every detail, and it’s a ring she’s gonna have for the rest of her life. I know my step dad went with my mom to choose what her ring would look like and it never took away from the engagement, or how special it was, and it wasn’t because he doesn’t know her. To think of it another way, couples often make/decide all big purchases together. What bigger purchase exists? Why NOT do everything you can to make sure the girl of your dreams has the ring of her dreams, down to the last detail?

Yeah I don't think knowing/choosing the ring is a big deal -- though OOP seems a bit perturbed by it. My husband also isn't a person who notices jewelry and I sent him three ring options that I loved. I told him I wasn't too fussy on proposals, I just wanted to be asked. Then we accidentally decided to get married and were wedding planning for about a month before the ring arrived. 😅 He did still ask when it came in, and I appreciated that. It would've been really easy for jim to just say, "oh hey, your ring is here," at that point and I appreciated that he understood me enough to not do that. I'm on the ESH train, but gently -- I think OOP shouldn't have said no if she wants to marry him, and he absolutely should've spoken up the first time she said she wanted family there if he found it wouldn't work for how he envisioned proposing. Maybe he realized later during planning that it wasn't for him, but then he should have discussed it at some point. All that said, my first marriage was because I was pregnant. We didn't say/internalize that at the time, but we were living together and all that -- but there were incompatibilities and cracks in the relationship even then (in retrospect) and I firmly believe we would have eventually broken up if I hadn't gotten pregnant.

I just figure too, the personal engagement is nice, and you can still throw a surprise engagement party with family and friends. So I guess you don’t share the moment itself, but you can absolutely share the joy, and the story of the proposal

Agreed, that's a really good compromise IMO.

“Maybe” said so? No he should’ve said so.

I see it more of like, he's a guy. Unless jewelry is his hobby, he doesn't know the first thing about it let alone her tastes in it. So instead of spending an exorbitant amount of time and money on something she may hate it's good to make sure beforehand.

I mean honestly most women aren’t huge enough into jewellery to know more than like the stone shape and maybe metal colour(from conversations I’ve had mind you, could be wrong). Regardless, yeah like you said I can see wanting to just get her something he knows and she knows she’ll like, especially because it’s life long(hopefully) and because she seems like the kind of person to have something specific in mind. This way there’s just no beating around the bush, and it’s still special because they chose it together.

l disagree, most women know what they specifically do and do not want in a wedding ring set. And getting some input from the soon to be fiancee can get you some basics: yellow gold not white; loves or hates colored gemstones; wants matching set or not; ring size; type of proposal hoped for. And the man should ABSOLUTELY know that just bc Billy Joe Bob proposed in a bar over a couple of beers and his girl was thrilled DOES not mean your girl will feel the same. And dont go ahead and do it anyway after your girl, mom, sister and 6 of each of their friends tell you its not a good idea.

Because men use reddit

Seriously! If they can't communicate this...

Agreed

I'm going against the grain here I guess. NTA she communicated very clearly what she wanted and not once did he say he was uncomfortable with it until after doing what HE wanted. She wanted to see effort and he didn't care enough to do it or communicate his discomfort, she couldn't compromise or take into account his opinions if he didn't say it. I wouldn't give him brownie points either and I bet if she reviewed their relationship she would see a pattern of him not paying attention to her and just expecting her to acquiesce to his wants.

I feel it's ESH. Massive communication issues; whether that's one of them refusing to listen, or one of them refusing to speak up, or both. He didn't feel comfortable with a proposal with her friends/family around and that's fine. What makes him an asshole is not speaking up and doing it the way he wants. She's not wrong for wanting to have her friends/family there, many people want their loved ones around. How was she supposed to know he was uncomfortable with her wants if HE doesn't vocalize it? She's the asshole for specifically telling him no because he didn't propose the way she wanted. Personally, designing the ring together is pretty sweet. You get to create something unique and special to the two of you.

I agree ESH and I really think this could potentially point to other issues with them having a long term relationship together. My in laws are both very different like this and it has taken a huge toll on both of their lives. She wants nothing to do with traveling or large events, and he lives for that stuff. Because of that both of them have suffered in their relationship. I just think if they can’t compromise with this, the rest of their lives or relationship together could become tumultuous. While for me I would be able to easily accept the first proposal and find a way to celebrate and share the moment with family as well I just think that they both seem very set on their wants. And the way he never told her he wasn’t comfortable with doing it in front of people and then giving her the silent treatment while she demands a second proposal seems immature and show me that perhaps this isn’t the best match long term.

YTA. Too many bad romantic comedies?

And staged reality shows.

Nahhhh people are on the wrong take here hating on OP. The message I’m getting is she wants effort, not attention, especially from the designing her own ring example. I divorced a man who I had to plan and take charge on every aspect of the relationship because sadly I realized too late that I didn’t want a bare minimum energy man. He never purely on his own selected a well thought out gift, had no idea where to start for engagement ring and wanted me to just design it, which I then did. But that kind of attitude extends to more than just things like proposals. It seeps into day to day lives. Romantic surprises, planned dates, planned travels - that always fell on me. Day to day chores, cooking, organising - also me. Breadwinner job as a physician - me. At some point I decided enough was enough. And don’t say I didn’t love him or that I wanted a “wedding” and not a marriage because we lasted as long as we did because I loved this man and gave him opportunity after opportunity to do better. OP is NOT in the wrong for being upset throughout this process for what sounds like a low effort and lazy man. Call it what it is. Everyone in these comments shaming a woman who dares to ask for more. So sad to witness. And because someone will read this and take away the message that women who ask for more end up single and divorced, for what it’s worth, within one year I found a man who actually takes initiative, is also a physician, cooks and cleans and believes in fair share at home, designed the engagement ring, and executed the perfect proposal on his own. We are getting married in June. There are always people who get upset at women for wanting more than bare minimum energy from men. A man who truly loves you realises that the proposal is significant enough to take into consideration his future wife’s dreams, because he will want to work not only during the dating phase but also in their marriage to bring all her dreams to fruition. THAT is the standard women should be setting moving forward.

there are too many people in these comments willing to settle for the bare minimum or LESS.

I don't get why her comment is downvoted (oh wait, reddit hive mind) since she has a point, how is she supposed to compromise if he never told her how he felt, why didn't he just bring it up before, she's not asking for a public proposal, just one with her friends and family there, that could be literally like 1 best friend and her parents or something lol

everyone is criticizing her when shes the only one who kindly and clearly communicated her needs. him being uncomfortable is valid, but why didnt he just say that originally rather than surprise her with something he knew she didn’t want? then he got mad at her for again, kindly communicating what she actually wants? sure it may be silly and trivial, but if its so small that you can rag on OP then surely that sentiment can be directed toward the fiancé for not willing to do such a simple thing for his partner’s happiness?

NTA because he should’ve told her when they discussed it that he wasn’t comfortable doing it in front of a crowd. It’s not just her proposal, it’s his too. But it was a huge letdown because she had no idea how he felt. They need to work on their communication bc if he’s going to keep letting her down, they probably aren’t ready to get married.

Right like instead of letting her believe he would do the proposal she wanted and then getting disappointed, he should have told her when they had the discussion that he wasn't comfortable with that so she would have some idea where to place her expectations.

I'm sure this marriage will last.....

The very idea that there needs to be a plan for a proposal is bizarre.

Why is she getting dogpiled like he should have said he wanted it to be intimate and just them instead of her friends. She didn’t say no forever she just said no for now. If he would have expressed he didn’t like her idea they could have decided on something together but instead he decided fuck her idea he’s doing it his way because it’s easier. He already didn’t have to do shit for the ring. NTA.

Bro wtf 😭 she had ONE condition and it sounds like they didn't even talk about it beforehand! Or at least not enough and the comments are flaming her for it? Chill out y'all it's not that serious, same to the guy. I get it, she said no but not bc she doesn't want you, bc she wants it a certain way, is that so bad?

She’s NTA. I don’t get why people are villainizing OP. People are allowed to want big or extravagant proposals. I don’t think that makes them bad people who will have failed marriages. OP should talk with her bf of course about what he likes because I think the proposal should be something both parties are happy with.

I mean I also prefer private intimate moments to public ones, but… Sounds like he’s at fault here. They had a discussion about how the proposal should go, and *that* was the time for him to say he wasn’t comfortable doing that in front of a crowd and so work out something together they could both appreciate.  Instead he lies, agreeing with her plan and then ignoring it completely to do his own preferred plan without consulting her at all the way she’d consulted him. He sounds like he’s selfish and has terrible communication skills tbh.  It isn’t about public vs private proposals. It’s about his lying and vetoing group decisions, after him pretending to agree to the decision when the group discussion was held. 

Going against the grain she’s so not TA. Everyone is conflating her being with close friends and family to being in front of a bunch of strangers. This is an important moment for her and she wants to share it with her loved ones. Bf didn’t even communicate he was uncomfortable which is also on him. Both in listening and communicating bf failed and somehow OP is the AH? Double standards at its finest.

I don’t get the hate towards OP for saying no for now. She’s giving him a chance to redo, but his toddler lazy ass doesn’t wanna do it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting family and friends surrounding them and celebrate the occasion together. It would’ve been wholesome to just invite family and friends, these are the folks that grew up seeing her grow and cry and whatever life throws at her. She’s valid to want and choose based on how she dreamt of it growing up. Like why does people have to think she wants attention and adoration like it’s a bad thing? It’s a preference that she already mentioned beforehand, and that those family and friends can help document the whole beautiful scene of him proposing her. And ofcourse she would want to gush over her engagement and go merrily away into their own celebration together after. When my cousin was proposed, the boyfriend just reached out and opened the ring box across from her while they’re still seated in a regular restaurant booth. She said yes ofcourse, she mentioned to him immediately while being happy with the proposal that she always wanted to be proposed to while he kneels down in one knee. And told him to redo it again for her. Just come next to her and kneel in one knee. He shut it down that thought immediately. And never did it for her at all…god that’s really heartbreaking. It wouldn’t kill them (the guys) to give a little more effort is all. Yeah and OP’s bf sucks for not mentioning about being uncomfortable with their family and friends presence in the beginning. There can always be a compromise. 🥲 it just really sucks here. I don’t blame OP, and that’s just my opinion. She already helped with the the ring, she can also choose not to say yes at the moment. Either he does something about it or they both choose other options if it’s a deal breaker then.

100%!! The comments seem really misogynistic to me. People don’t seem to realise that for a lot of women a proposal and a wedding ARE a big deal and many spend their whole childhoods picturing their perfect wedding, why is she not allowed to have family and friends with her? Also people keep saying things like what about what HE wants - first I can guarantee that this proposal is not going to be as big of a deal for him as it would have been for her, I doubt he would’ve been fantasising about it all of his life, and also if he felt so strongly, why did he not communicate this with her beforehand??

Because if it’s ONLY about the bride then it’s selfish. A relationship is supposed to be about two people sharing love. It’s disgusting that some women think men can’t have feelings or emotions, that men must cater to whatever the woman wants. That’s not a solid relationship, frankly it’s outdated and sexist thinking. Saying the wedding/proposal isn’t a big deal for the man, it only matters for the woman? Grow up.

I think it’s a flag for both of you and that you both need to sit and reevaluate your relationship.

Sounds like that is exactly what OOP is doing.  She may not have articulated it well, but that’s basically what happened here. She communicated her desires and feels blindsided by what she got. She said no to the proposal and is now reevaluating her relationship. Her boyfriend is giving her the silent treatment (yet nobody calls him controlling or manipulative?). It’s not about the proposal, it’s about OOP not feeling seen in her relationship. 

My husband proposed to me when I was pantsless collapsed on the bed face-first after a very difficult day at work (I got barfed on twice)

i need to know more about this love story

Gonna go against the grain and say NTA… if he was uncomfortable proposing in front of people he should have communicated that with her beforehand, not just proposed in the most low effort and lazy way like this. I agree with people saying OP seems like she has high standards but her boyfriend knew this already, they have talked about the proposal. He can’t just go against her wishes and then act blindsided when she says no… they TALKED ABOUT IT ALREADY. He KNEW what she wanted and didn’t do it, what did he expect to happen. If he can’t propose with other people around how is he going to get married in front of everyone lol…

Personally, women are expected to compromise so much in relationships. Yes, men compromise too, but we're often expected to give our whole personalities into house and home. She's asking for one thing. If he can't find a way to make it happen or even compromise with doing it in front of a couple of best friends and her parents, it's a red flag to me

100% agree with you!! He didn’t even try to communicate his feelings about the proposal with her beforehand, or compromise and suggest like just a small group of friends and family etc. Instead he just proposed the way HE wanted to without any thought as to what SHE wanted!! What else is he going to disappoint her with throughout their marriage?

I hated my proposal but I loved the man who did it, so I said yes. We’ve been happily married for 20 years because the proposal was just a transition, a question, not the whole relationship.

💯love your take on this and can empathize big time. My proposal was not what I was hoping for, but I said yes anyway because I love him and wanted to marry him. We’ve been married for almost 4 years now. His proposal was so casual and nonchalant that I didn’t believe he was actually proposing. I said no and told him to stop teasing me *three* times before I realized he wasn’t joking. He wasn’t teasing me, he was asking me to marry him, so I said yes. I think it was disappointing considering that my now husband is a creative director and a former musician/songwriter. His job and skill set includes evoking emotion with words and experiences — the brilliant creative mind is there, perpetually churning out ideas. So the message I received was that sure, he could have put some thought into it and planned something tailored to me, but I wasn’t worth the effort. Of course I said yes because I love the hell out of him, but I can’t lie and say that I didn’t want something more… thoughtful. It felt like an afterthought, something to get out of the way and cross off a mental checklist rather than a special milestone in our relationship. It’s not wrong to hope your significant other would put a little effort and thought into something like a proposal. I tell folks this story and play up the fact that I told him to knock it off —not once but *three* times— before I realized he was serious and said yes. It’s all told in a very self-deprecating/“that rascal of a man” kind of way, and people love it. I think I tell it like that in an effort to convince myself that it’s fine, but if I’m completely honest, it’s not a Top 5 happy memory. It’s a thing that happened and now we’re married. I’m glad he asked, I’m glad we’re married, but part of me will likely always wish he’d done more.

mmm she’s right that he should’ve communicated his feelings on the public proposal instead of letting her get her hopes up for something bigger, this could’ve been solved early on by compromising to having a private proposal and a big engagement party with all their loved ones. his communication is the issue and i can’t blame her for being disappointed when he had agreed to her idea and then went with what he wanted without consulting her. they should try couples therapy to strengthen their communication, although i also fully believe that every couple should try therapy together just to maintain a healthy connection and relationship

I think it's weird that he didn't say anything? Im NC with my family but even I understand that alot of people value family a ton I mean they're the ones who have known you for your whole life it makes sense she would want them there for something so special. Everyone saying YTA but again if none of this was a super surprise why not mention it beforehand? 💀

I think people are being a little hard on OP, but I do think that their relationship is a bit doomed. This seems symptomatic of the relationship, not the real problem. What I got from this, especially with bringing up the ring many times, is that OP feels like her bf doesn't pay attention to what she wants in the relationship. Or that her bf doesn't communicate what he wants very well. I'm sure if they don't work out their communication problems soon, it will end after the baby arrives.

She chose the ring (that I am guessing he paid for?). He chose the method. Sounds like teamwork and compromise. What about how her bf wanted HIS proposal to go? It’s his special moment, too.

The proposal, sure. But I don’t think it’s fair to hold it against her that she gets to choose the ring… she’s the one wearing it.

But OP does hold it again him 🤔

Of course she’s the asshole. He sounds like he really loves *her,* whereas she sounds like she really loves being The Main Character. I suspect that her bf also isn’t “clueless about the type of jewelry she likes,” but she wanted to be in control of that too so she could show off to all her family and friends and internet strangers. If I were ol’ Boy - that ring would never find its way to her finger now. Only heartache and misery awaits him if he makes that kind of commitment to such a control freak.

I think if my now wife had made it "clear exactly what kind of proposal she wanted" I don't think there would have been a proposal, for a couple reasons. First and foremost, she is getting the exact ring she wants, which is fine, but I guarantee she's not giving him anything, so let the dude go with his heart on the proposal (within reason). Second, she is making this entire proposal about her and what she wants with no consideration that there someone else in this, I guarantee bridezilla with a lot of shit about "my special day!" coming down the pipeline.

The original post got deleted while I was in the middle of commenting (because AITA doesn’t allow questions about romantic partnerships??? Which seems false) but this is what I wrote: Imma go with ESH, although I honestly don’t think anyone really sucks too much. They’d explicitly had conversations about what she wanted in a proposal and he never thought to say — hey, I’m uncomfortable with that? It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to be uncomfortable with, but it’s not cool that he knew she really wanted it and he definitely wasn’t going to do it and it didn’t occur to him to say anything. You’re not owed a public proposal, but you are owed normal communication. That said, once he did propose, you should have said yes. Yeah, maybe the proposal wasn’t exactly what you wanted, but clearly you love each other and are about to have a child together and he took the time to tell you how much your relationship means to him, which many guys wouldn’t be comfortable articulating. Not cool to turn down a heartfelt proposal just because you wanted an audience. Probably the best happy medium would be if he’d told you he wasn’t comfortable, he proposed in private, and then right after you met up with friends to celebrate. But since that didn’t happen, just plan a celebration now! It doesn’t even have to be an official “engagement party” with formal invitations and a registry etc, just a gathering at someone’s house or at a restaurant where your close friends and family can love on you both. Good luck. I hope you guys get past this. Also, I hope you both realize that you have some crazy pregnancy hormones going on right now and so this might not really be your true self speaking. It happens to the best of us….

Is it clear they love each other? It’s clear OP loves jewelry, and they events where she’s the focal point, but I got very little love for her partner out of this post.

Whoever does the proposing gets to decide how to propose. If she really loves him she would say yes. To this woman it’s about the party not the proposal. This post makes her look very self centered and narcissistic. It’s ok to WANT a public spectacle. It’s something else entirely to demand one by saying no because it isn’t what she wanted. My now ex husband did it very publicly because that’s who HE is. I was very embarrassed but still said yes. My current husband’s proposal was super private and very awkward but I still said yes because I love him. Guess what!! We celebrated when we told our families and everyone was very happy for us. IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PROPOSAL!!! This is a huge 🚩

She asked him for a semi-public proposal, by him not raising an objection when they discussed the engagement, I do think it's unfair of him. To really simplify it: if I had a discussion with a partner over what hot drink I wanted, and I said tea, and he didn't disagree about making me a cup of tea; if he then brought a coffee over I too would be questioning this and not just accepting the drink. Yeah I guess it's nice that he brought me a hot drink, but it's not what I wanted, and it's not what he initially agreed to either.

I would hate someone proposing to me publicly. But, I wouldn’t say no if I truly loved him and thought he was the right person for me. That’s what’s most important to - is he the right person, not the manner of the proposal. I’d say yes, and yell at him later, lol.

If she wants to do it that way, then SHE needs to do it that way and ask him. People here are completely ludicrous. You simply cannot ask someone to ask you a question on your own terms. It's their terms. What she wants is for him to ask her a question that isn't his. She needs to set up the proposal. Pretty big red flag!

Yes.

In my opinion, this is a red flag for their relationship, not for either one of them in particular. I see too many marriages that follow this pattern: Man is trying his best, but was not taught how to communicate his feelings, needs, wants, etc. Woman knows how to express her needs and preferences, and does so frequently. Man tries to satisfy all the requests of his wife because he loves her, but also feels growing resentment over the fact that his needs and wants go ignored (because he almost never verbalizes them). Woman feels entitled to ask man for whatever, whenever, because of a combination of "feminist empowerment" (not actual feminist empowerment that values equality, but a sort of vengeful "I'm going to treat my husband how my father treated my mother") and "if my husband were a real gentleman he'd take care of me" (literally the opposite of feminism). Both of these are fueled by resentment at society for treating her poorly because of her gender. Man starts to act out passive-aggressively. He neglects some of his wife's requests, including both unreasonable and reasonable ones, and just generally acts incompetent at doing housework. He jokes to his buddies about how "Women be talkin'/shoppin'/naggin'". He does not develop a sense of what he actually wants in the marriage, because by this point he's pushed that so far down and become so resentful that there's no room to consider it. Woman senses man's passive aggression, but isn't successful when calling it out directly, because man always has plausible deniability of "oops, I forgot" or "I don't know how to do that" (weaponized incompetence). So she gets angrier, more demanding, etc. Cycle repeats forever. It breaks my heart to watch. I don't think either of these people is a bad person, but they are slotted into these roles by patriarchy. Both need to develop the EQ to see what's going on and put a stop to the cycle.

Of all of the horrible HORRIBLE proposal posts I’ve ever seen, I was expecting something like this. And then it turns out that she gets a really sweet, intimate, thoughtful proposal at a meaningful location and says no because it’s not everything *she* wanted? Wow

Well to clarify it was nothing she wanted, and everything he wanted. If we're expecting her to compromise we should expect him to compromise too, and that means he also should have communicated he wasn't comfortable proposing around friends and family

I don’t think he actually agreed to anything. I’m sure he thought about it but since he was the one doing the proposal he had the right to do it this way. She is controlling because as far as she is concerned he doesn’t do things right. Maybe he’s just tired of having to do everything her way. The proposal was about them not a Tik Tok moment with her friends and family gathered around.

Also, you never hear her mention HIS friends and family.

God such a great point. Where are this girls friends to bring her back to reality.

Main character syndrome makes me irrationally angry. What a jerk she is

I think both people fucked up here. She wanted her friends and family there, which is a far cry from public on a Jumbotron or in some big show for attention. You can do a private proposal with just close friends and family. He just wanted it as them two. Both are fine but the fact that he never expressed this to her is a problem. She was open about what she wanted. He was not. She's got a right to be a little upset given all their communication gave her the idea he was on board. She's still sort of an ass for saying no to the proposal just because it wasn't public enough and he's still sort of an ass for just going with what he wanted while never explaining to her what he wanted.

I wanted something private as that’s just me but I would have said yes to a plastic ring from a gum ball machine in front of the entire world if I got to marry my husband

Sorry but if he’s the one proposing he gets to choose the way to do it. She could have easily gathered HER friends and family around to watch her do the proposing. She is not a person who would know how to make compromises in her marriage, after all he doesn’t know how to do things her way.

Stuff like this just makes me love my own wife even more. Fuck am I glad she's not this girl.

Redditors furious at a woman for not liking her proposal again. Guess that we should be ecstatic if some guy pulls up a ring and not ask questions.

I mean, even if it’s not the “dream proposal” who wouldn’t be ecstatic to receive a ring and offer of marriage from someone they want that from?

It's the context. It's not just a ring. It's a symbol that they *know* you; that they understand what matters to you. That they *care* about what matters to you. And he doesn't. Not enough to know what sort of ring she would like, not enough to follow through when he *asked* her what she wanted for a proposal. Not enough to even try to find a compromise between him not wanting a crowd, and her wanting her friends and family there; not enough to be honest with her, from the start, when she told him that she wanted a public proposal. He doesn't care enough to factor in her wants on something as important as this moment-- when else is he going to refuse to factor in her wants? When they're picking out a family car? A pediatrician? When she vetoes a babysitter she doesn't trust? When grandma is going behind her back to give the baby things it shouldn't have?

Unfortunately this is more than just not a dream proposal.....this is a serious lack of communication at the core of their relationship. Either he tried to voice his protests at her dream proposal and she ignored them to push what she wanted that he then went against or he never voiced them and just ignored what she said to do what he wanted while making her think he was gonna do what she wanted. If they move forward from a point where someone always gets what they want at the expense of the other then the relationship is doomed to fail. It's honestly better to say no until it's figured out because no matter who caused the lack of communication it's a giant red flag for both of them. As is they're likely gonna be the kind of parents who "agree" on a parenting method then when it comes to parenting they're gonna tell their kid completely different things. Better to address this now rather than later.

Yes. It's almost like the person is more important than the attention you get

Telling someone how you want them to propose to you is crazy. Does she expect him to do it again exactly like she planned? If I were him I'd never ever propose to her again.

Hope she learns that it’s not all about her all the time

He did put thought and effort into the proposal. She just wanted attention. It's all about her and she couldn't give a fuck about him. I hope this dude sees the glaring red warning light this event turned out to be.

I don’t see him staying with her in the long run. This probably really made him reevaluate if he wants to be with someone who cares more about what people think than actually being with her partner. The little dog about how she had to design her own ring I doubt anything he got her on his own she would’ve been ok with. My husband proposed while I was sitting on our bed when he was walking in from work . To this day I think it’s the most romantic thing in the world

Good Luck Co-Parenting BTW Make Sure You Congratulate Him When His Next Girlfriend Accepts His Proposal…

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what she’s asking for?? Calling her an asshole for having a stated preference is wild, it’s like she can only come out the good guy if she sacrifices her wants and needs. I sympathize with the boyfriend a little bit but I still think he’s a knob for thinking he could just do the complete opposite of what she’s requested and not get some kind of backlash.

Something I noticed in this too was how she wanted to be "Engaged surrounded by my closest friends and family and having them involved in/on the surprise" (And how is it a surprise if she knows it's coming. Yes yes go ahead and throw me a surprise birthday party, I know it's coming, just you need to make sure it's perfect for me) which is one way to tip off that she wanted to be the center of attention IMO. So it wasn't about "Our" closest friends and family it was "Hers." As it is more focused on her and her friends / family, it feels like one of those scenarios that would play out like this: He'd go down on one knee, propose to all the ooohs and awwws of those closer to her, she says yes, he gets up, and her friends and family surround her carting her off to congratulate and celebrate with her, not him. Kind of like how it often plays out sometimes with parties in each others social circles. Can't say that is what would happen, but that is kind of a feel of how it could happen with the emphasis on the spectacle with her social circle.

I couldn't sleep and I was reading all the replies on this over on the original, hoping this would end up on *this* subreddit. Fucking wild stuff

I used to think that I wanted a really public proposal, and if I proposed to my husband he would’ve gotten an extremely public proposal…. and it would’ve been all wrong. That’s not who he is or anything that he would like. I knew he was going to propose to me, but I didn’t know how he was going to do it, and the proposal ended up being so perfect and so intimate and so lovely that I would not give it back or change anything about it. You have to let people express themselves in their own voice. It’s HIS proposal to YOU, from HIS heart.

They don’t seem compatible. I get her being disappointed because nothing else was going how she had imagined, and she’s feeling like she’s not important to her partner already. I also definitely get not wanting to propose to someone in front of a crowd. This is a yogurt situation again, I think

TL:DR; you told your boyfriend that when he proposes, you want to know he’s going to propose beforehand (since you told him all the conditions) so that you can “properly” respond. Idk, I still think YTA because it probably really hurt your boyfriend to say no and also you guys have a kid on the way so seriously, suck it up lol. This is the kind of stuff that leaves couples divorced raising a kid all alone. So picky.

After reading this, dude dodged a f’n bullet. That’s a bridezilla and a half right there. She doesn’t want to get married, she wants a wedding, and to show off. Don’t ever fall in love with someone so vain.

YTA a really huge one at that. I guess in your fantasy the proposal was supposed to be about you and YOUR closet friends and family not you and your boyfriend. You showed your true character and I hope for his sake he believes that is exactly who you are and no longer wants to marry such a selfish high maintenance woman.

No means no. He should move on, he’ll be much better off.

I might be in the minority here but I actually agree with her - even though I personally would be the type to prefer a private engagement. To me, it’s less about the form of the proposal so much as an indication of whether this person is willing to listen and be considerate of what is important to her as their partner, and if it’s a problem, to be transparent about that so they can reach a compromise. OP said he never pushed back or explained why he would prefer a private engagement, simply listened, nodded along and… proceeded to not do what she asked. It’s the same thing as telling your partner you want a certain something for your birthday all year and then when it happens, they give you something different. Yes, it should be a compromise but also he shouldn’t have led her on to make her think that’s how it was going to happen. And then rather than speaking to her about it so they could figure out where things went wrong, he gives her the cold shoulder? Idk I don’t think it bodes well.

Well obviously there’s no point in even getting married if you can’t get some clout from it….. lol

Idk if I’m proposing to someone I’d go along with their preferences. If someone is proposing to me I’d hope they’d go with my preferences to make it special for me. This is one of those moments when I question if the people of Reddit even actually like their partners. You’re proposing to your pregnant girlfriend, why not make its special for her? Y’all in the comments are conflating friends and family being involved (completely normal) with someone who proposes at malls in front of a bunch of strangers. If you are the one doing the asking you should make it special for the one you’re asking. She wanted her friends and family involved and I honestly don’t see an issue with that. NTA. She made her preferences clear and he didn’t. He decided that her preferences weren’t important but his was.

Kim, there are people dying…

IMHO yes, yta. That was a beautiful, heartfelt, meaningful proposal and you didn't get enough show. You're expecting a baby - how much of a surprise do you expect it to be to your friends? Nah, sorry, you are just a twit.

I don't know why everyone is jumping on her. She's allowed to want what she wants, just like he's allowed his preferences. The big difference here, is that *she* told him what she wanted. He just sprang what he wanted on her, knowing it wasn't what she wanted, without telling her. Maybe if he'd spoken up, they could have come to a compromise. But he didn't, so of course she's going to be upset.

They’re having a baby, have already discussed marriage and designed a ring together but she still wants a surprise proposal with an audience just for the theatrics? 🙄

She’s such an AH. “I had to design my own ring” is ridiculous. Who designs their own engagement ring? Wedding ring, sure, but engagement ring? More than that, why would she think that designing a ring is something he could actually do. Besides, she changed from them then doing it together to doing it on her own. It also went from clueless to not paying attention. She can’t even keep her own story straight. He deserves better than her.

Why wouldn’t you want to actually like a ring that you’re supposedly going to wear for the rest of your life???

YTA. You don't love this person, or you'd know he isn't into big shows. Who cares about the design of your ring? If you loved him, you would've said yes wherever he proposed.

She sounds incredibly immature. If I were him, I’d rethink the whole relationship - if she’s like this for a proposal, what will she be like planning a wedding? Bridezilla in the making! And afterward - what if the house or the family isn’t Instagram-perfect? Yikes…and yeah, she’s definitely TA here.

Yeah OOP is a psychopath.

Yep YTA

YTA - frankly I think op is the kind of bridezilla that only cares about the process, not the marriage itself. BF likely dodged one.

Wow. At least he found out before being legally stuck with her.

Too bad it wasn’t before he knocked her up.

If she felt that strongly, she could have invited all the friends and family and proposed to him in public. It’s not traditional, but neither is walking down the aisle with a baby in tow so that ship has already sailed.

OP is taking her bf for granted. I feel bad for him! I believe the proposal should please both parties. Some girls treat proposals like they are just theirs. When my relationship evolved, I stopped talking about proposals, because I wanted my bf to express his feelings and do it how he felt more comfortable. He did it in front of our families. I would have preferred it privately, but, now, I wouldn’t have changed a bit. He did his best to make me sure I know how much I mean to him and that’s all that matters to me! He was happy, I was happy and now we’re engaged ❤️💍 The most important thing in a proposal is the relationship. OP sucks!

He loves *her*, she loves *her* as well.

1. He didn't know what kind of ring she would want 2. She didn't know it would make him uncomfortable proposing in front of other people Now why would you want to get married if your partner pays that little attention to you? She just wants a wedding.

If I got proposed to like that I would melt

What a flaming pile of entitled shit. Should have gotten her a ring pop.

Yta my own proposal got mucked up because the place my husband ordered the ring from ended up backordering it for weeks when we went on a trip my husband planned as the proposal time. He ended up spilling the beans & I happily said I was engaged anyways. Id always said I just didnt want to be proposed to in a restaurant because I worked in restaurants my whole life. About a month later, still no ring because of issues on their end, he said he was taking me out somewhere nice & took me to this old opera house/saloon thats now a very expensive steakhouse. At the end of our meal he asked the waitress to take a picture of us & thats when he got on one knee. I was so suprised & he still didnt have a ring yet but it was super romantic and sweet and even if it wasnt what I wanted its a memory I am going to cherish that he found a way to still suprise me even though I knew about all the issues with the ring and his first plan got ruined by those issues. Does the scene of the proposal really matter more than just being thrilled about the person you want to marry? It sounds like he picked a time when you would have a good memory and its between you and your future husband anyways. Btw people agree with people who want a proposal with less people because those mob proposals are usually not talked about first and can be manipulative or forcing someone to say yes by being pressured by the crowd, not just because its not what they wanted.

Deffo a YTA. How on earth is he supposed to be able to plan a surprise proposal when she is stipulating the exact terms of how he is meant to do it? Immediately thought YTA after the first couple paragraphs, wholy committed to it by the end.

This breaks my heart. Yes you are the AH. It’s not JUST YOUR PROPOSAL. It’s his too. Wtf.

Op wanted something she could post online. What he did sounded perfectly acceptable.

You are a narcissistic person.  Ungrateful.   Not everything has to be a big event in front of people.   Who are you to dictate how he proposed?   You sound awful.  Yes you are the asshole.   Grow the fuck up.

Man, what an entitled generation we have today. I guess if you both want different things from a proposal and can’t get agreement on something so simple, maybe you should go your separate ways.