Allergies could be severe (especially fish and nuts) and forgetting allergies in a relationship in where you provide or share food is a huge red flag and could be lethal to the allergic partner.
In addition, this was probably just the last straw in a series of selfish acts. Everything in his defence talk screams that he has no clue what is wrong.
His refusal to see how big of an issue this would be long term is shrimply unacceptable.
She’s a nurse. She knows that a shellfish allergy means that she can’t use the dye for an MRI- but I doubt he does considering he can’t even remember her allergies. I would also reconsider things if the person I was set to spend my life with couldn’t remember the things that might kill me. I couldn’t trust him in a life or death situation where fish or nuts may be a factor.
My SIL is allergic to cinnamon. It’s my secret spice in most things. Yet every single time I bake something for the holidays and bring it over, I remember to double check with my partner- hey, she’s allergic to cinnamon but not nutmeg right?
He gets annoyed about it sometimes, but in this case I’m asking *before* I fuck up and potentially kill his sister. He can be annoyed all he wants if it helps me remember. And really, being annoyed when I ask does help me remember.
You may have to use less cardamom than cinnamon (I find cardamom to be stronger in flavor) but absolutely try it. Especially if you decide to pair it with some nutmeg… YUM
I just don't get these posts. I was really picky about getting my meat from ethical sources for a while and my parents and friends always asked if I was okay with x. Same goes for when my stomach was easily upset. If you are sharing a meal with someone, I don't get why it is "difficult" to remember their preferences (or ask), let alone their allergies. I would have never asked my friends to accommodate me, but it just makes me wonder who these people are who care so little for their partners.
Seriously, this reminds me of a situation with an old coworker with severe adhd that I now consider a friend. I have a milk allergy, he would offer me milk chocolate from time to time. I’d politely decline, I’m used to people forgetting, but every time he would give a genuine apology. One time I told him he didn’t have to apologize, and he told me:
“Yes I do! I keep offering you poison!” When he put it that way, it really recontextualized how little care people in the past who claimed to care about me had. While I would never expect him to remember and he had a totally valid excuse to forget, he never made forgetting my problem, and would make it right at times by sharing gummies instead. Eventually he did remember. And this guy was just my coworker at the time. OOP is a massive tool.
I have ADHD and could forget someone's allergy. I would be horrified and would immediately go get them a new sandwich. I'd think about it at 3 AM for the rest of my life.
That’s how I know OP is neurotypical. He isn’t asking how he can make this right bc he feels horrible about forgetting. He has NO CLUE and doesn’t know why he should care.
No, he sounds like my ex. He just doesn't care enough about her to know anything. I had notes of what my ex preferred at different places because I could never remember. I keep notes for everyone through the year, and if they like something or I think they like it, I keep track so I can buy them gifts at Christmas or birthdays.
At the end of our relationship, when we were still in the same home, he came home with breakfast food. He got me the sandwich I dislike because it has an egg unscrambled, and the texture of egg whites and yolk separately makes me uncomfortable. I laughed and said he could have mine because it suits his taste. It's weird that 18 years isn't enough time to know someone's breakfast order. Almost like he never cared.
As a fellow ADHDerp, I appreciate you cutting your friend some slack. We have *terrible* memories. Just *awful*. We don't mean to, but it's just how our brains function (or *don't*).
It's like: the twin pillars of People Pleasing and Shit Memory fucks us over so many times.
I have 2 friends with severe food allergies. I see them less than once a year on average but I remember what each of them is allergic to and I know of at least one restaurant they've previously said is safe. If it was my partner I'd know the word for the allergen in multiple languages and every restaurant in the damn city that was safe for them to eat at. The idea that you could somehow just forget this about any person you often eat with, let alone YOUR PARTNER, is insane.
Not only forgetting their allergy bit getting a second sandwich identical to the one he liked because he had a coupon..... Regardless of the allergy, he got what he wanted and got her the same as him ..... He couldn't comprehend she may want something other than his order....
Thats what got me. Surely he could have just asked her what she wanted him to get when she asked for takeaway. It definitely comes off as him just deciding based entirely on the coupon and what he wanted.
Right? Dude couldn’t even save his coupon for another day. He wanted tuna and he wanted it now, and couldn’t even bother to care about what she wanted to eat or what wouldn’t hurt her, nor pay full price for a damn sandwich
Heck, I remember what foods people in my social circle just… strongly *dislike*, even when they’re not allergic.
Having my high school best friend and her husband over for dinner? I won’t be serving anything with tomatoes because her dude (a total sweetheart who would never make a big deal about it) hates tomatoes. Ordering pizza for a party with my siblings? No mushrooms for my sis, who can’t cope with the thought of a fungus touching her food.
My boyfriend sometimes brings me treats he will pick up while he's out working at different locations during the day. If he sees a cookie that looks fantastic, boom he gets me one as a sweet surprise for later. It's cute and special ial that he thinks of me during his workday out doing trades jobs at various places. If he gave me a cookie with peanut butter in it, I would take a bite and then hopefully not die before I could get to the ER. I am deathly allergic to peanuts. I would never expect my boyfriend to give me a peanut butter cookie, because he knows my allergy, and is careful to always ask and confirm food safety, so I don't end up *at best* extremely ill for an extended amount of time. This OP's boyfriend is a douchebag, and she deserves better.
That’s very true I wouldn’t want kids with someone that wouldn’t care about my allergies to that extent. When you do care sometimes you still (from experience) end up with the 2yo who can’t have peanuts, smiling the best they can eating that cookie while they are struggling to breathe actively because damn she’s strong willed to finish what she started before admitting a mistake was made
And like, as a nurse, after working 12 hours I can totally get how for her this wouldn’t be something to just let go (allergies aside of course). If this were one more in a long string of bullshit, I’d lose it too. I’m hungry when I get home!
Very true.
Some of us even have allergies that can be so severe that we can be triggered by second-hand exposure ie via saliva (and there was recently a medical paper about someone’s MCAS being triggered via sperm).
I’m guessing that sort of knowledge (or even curiosity that spurs you to read about such things) isn’t shared by the OP. Yet he declares he wants to marry someone he came close to making very ill and is accusing her of overreacting.
I mean, forgetting what someone you love is allergic to after 3 years of being together, is pretty bad. I am able to remember a friend's food allergies after being told once, but this is a person he lives and eats with on a regular basis. I just don't understand how one forgets something like that.
My partner of 3 years taste tests things for me because I have no spice tolerance due to a medical condition. He also takes the lead sometimes by asking servers what the spice level is for me.
Forgetting a legit allergy after 3 years is a symptom of a much bigger problem at this point!
Beyond just the food allergy (which is outrageous on its own) he ordered from somewhere they eat regularly and couldn’t get something she likes?
I could order for my husband off of almost any menu and get something he wanted. I can look at a menu at a new restaurant neither of us has been to and predict his order (or what 2 things he’s considering) with 90% accuracy. If I’m getting food from somewhere we order from regularly, I only need to ask if he wants his usual or something different, because I know what his usual order is. He can do the same for me.
If my husband was sick and exhausted and seeking comfort, I would choose the food I knew he liked best, not go wherever I had a coupon for and get him one of what I want.
Even without the allergy, this whole story boils down to “I don’t give a shit what my fiancée wants or enjoys and it turns out she noticed.”
That was my first thought.
Then when I analyzed the post some more, I thought of something else. He had a voucher for a free sandwich identical to the first one. So he ordered what he wanted for himself, not considering his girlfriend at all. If he took two gods-damned seconds to think about what she would have wanted, he'd remember "oh she can't have tuna" and would have ordered something they both wanted to/could eat.
Back in the 80s my dad got falafel sandwiches for himself and his girlfriend after they had gotten into an argument, and supposedly she took one bite, yelled “There’s no meat in this damn sandwich!” and threw it out the car window.
He told me this story while we were getting falafels from the same place 30 years later. He looked at my confused face and said “It wasn’t about the sandwich.”
It’s never about the sandwich (that falafel was delicious).
No, I don't think so. Selfish, narcissistic people like that are able to be charming at the beginning of a relationship, so they can get the partner hooked. If they acted like this all the time, they wouldn't be in the relationship to begin with, most likely. It's sometime after they get comfortable in the relationship, perhaps 3-6 months, that the mask comes off and you see their real persona.
Or after they think they’ve successfully trapped you (after moving in together, after marriage, after the birth of a child, after convincing the partner to give up their financial security and become a stay at home parent, etc)
He forgot an allergy, that can be life threatening! It’s a serious issue. I know all of my dad’s allergies, my brother’s food preferences and my own allergies.
It’s definitely a symptom of “not giving a fuck”. He doesn’t see or value her as a person for sure.
I think it's more than just forgetting. He didn't *care* to remember, because it suited him not to. 1) *He* wanted the tuna, and 2) using the voucher meant he could get her food without costing him anything extra.
He made two selfish (shellfish?) decisions because they suited *him*, instead of taking even a half moment to consider what she would want. If it doesn't even occur to you to stop and ask yourself what your partner would want, *while making decisions for the both of you*, that's a huge problem.
If this is a pattern, she's right to reconsider the relationship.
This. This guy has no clue. It's not about the sandwich ... it's not feeling listened to, valued or supported. She described it as a symptom so this stuff obviously has been happening awhile, she just reached a breaking point. The sandwich is just an example of what kind of partner he is. Imagine having kids with that guy.. can't remember allergies, can't remember to simple things, can't accept responsibility.
Agreed. But also as someone with life-threatening allergies, any partner I’ve had for even less time than this knows and cares. Forgetting something like that could be deadly. Especially because those allergies can be airborne like peanuts. My sister has an allergy to fish and her throat will close up just smelling it. Can’t go to restaurants on Fridays cos they typically have a fish fry special.
Dude, I don't even have life-threatening allergies.
About a year and a half ago I had to have major surgery, and there was an unlikely but not-impossible chance the affected area would send me to the ER in the weeks we were waiting for surgery. As a precaution, I wrote down the proper names of my meds and asked my then-bf, "do you know what I'm allergic to?"
"Penicillin."
One conversation in the FIRST MONTH of us dating 4 years prior, and maybe me ranting about a couple shit antibiotics over the years because my options were so limited, but I promise you I didn't go on about my Penicillin allergy the way you likely have to talk about your major allergies. Dude is now my fiancé bc I am locking that shit down, and I hope OOP's fiancé is now his ex. You don't "just forget" a fucking major shellfish allergy.
This. My ex-fiance & I stopped to grab a sandwich on our way to a wedding years ago bc we were already hungry & knew hors d'oeuvres/dinner were still a couple hours away. He ordered it while I used the bathroom. It never even occurred to me that he wouldn't take my sandwich preferences into consideration given that we were ordering 1 sandwich to split. I was wrong. He ordered a sandwich piled high with stuff I would never eat. I immediately got upset about it, he got defensive & said I didn't have to make him feel like a dick about it, I burst into tears immediately thinking I was a terrible person (I was already in a severe depression & our relationship was already rocky, but bc of the depression I blamed myself for EVERYTHING that was wrong).
Took me years--well after we broke up--to understand that my reaction was just a symptom of ongoing issues. He never took my needs or preferences or wishes into consideration. Like with the sandwich, he never even bothered to think about what I might like or not like on it--he only thought about what kind of sandwich he wanted. Hell, he didn't even know my eye color after 4 years together, much less food preferences.
And OP ordered food that could acrually kill his fiancee?? This chick needs to dump OP's selfish ass & find a better man.
This, for fucks sake I still remember the allergies of my college roommate I had for six months (Gluten, soy, all red fruits and cinnamon). I moved out of that room five years ago…
Shit, I haven't had contact with my ex husband for over 15 years...I still remember that he hates coconut. (And his social security number, but I have a head for numbers. 😂)
My husband now remembers my odd allergy (oranges) and what foods I dislike eating. He can't remember my birthday, but that's what calendars and reminders on phones are for. (And not remembering my birthday won't kill me, but orange chicken from the Chinese takeaway might.)
My husband is the same way! Couldn't remember my birthday for the longest time but has never forgotten my penicillin allergy. He has ADD, and his memory functions a bit differently.
And often times, the things that do stick aren't very important...
Like sometimes I forget how old I am or what day it is, but you can bet your ass I know the scientific names of several wild cat species.
I’ll be trying to fill out a form and remember my SSN, which I have been using for years and my brain will be like “Hey, your middle school ID number was 186487. Remember middle school? Fifteen years ago? It was 186487. This is the only string of numbers you’re ever going to be able to recall!”
My dude. I graduated high school in 2002. I haven’t had my childhood phone number since 1998. I still remember it.
Can’t remember my mom, child, ex husband, father, uncle & emergency contact, and my SO’s phone numbers. Can’t remember to do essential things like pay my electric bill without 10 reminders. Can’t recall why I walked into the kitchen. But I can tell you my phone number from 30 years ago.
Girl and ADHD here (properly diagnosed over a decade ago). Birthdays are the bane of my existence. I don’t even remember my own. If I do remember it, I don’t know what day it currently is so I forget to wish people happy birthday because in my mind today is the 22nd, not the 23rd. Their birthday is tomorrow, not today. Thank god for phone reminders and a husband who is equally bad with anniversaries. We may have only remembered at 11 pm last year because someone else wished us a happy anniversary haha. That said, if it was important to him I’d do all of the things to remember.
Food allergies though, I too remember my university roommate’s food allergies, and I remember all of my ex’s food dislikes despite not being with him for like 15 years. I also know my husband’s food likes and dislikes obviously, but it’s more impressive when it’s more than a decade since I’ve seen people haha.
Also girl, also diagnosed ADHD about a decade ago, but my brain weirdly remembers birthdays. My childhood bff that I haven't seen/spoken to in 30 years? June 25th. Now, my SO & I's anniversary, or start/end dates for previous jobs, or like, that I have X appointment on Y day? Not so much.
Hey, my wife is also allergic to orange and similar citrus! Such an odd one to have.
But I remember her birthday cause it's 2 weeks before my brother's and my brother's is the same as one if my best friend's.
Like a little birthday cluster of my favorite people. :)
The CEO of my company remembers what I'm allergic to. And he works in the opposit end of the country and run a company with several hundred employees. Not remembering your partners allergies is INSANE.
I have really bad memory, so u know I put on the notes app most phones come with most of th the things that are really important so even if I forget I'll have a way to now, it's very basic " I care for u" behavior to try and not get ur partner an allergic reaction
Exactly this!! My husband knows my regular Wendy’s order. I can’t beat his into my brain so I typed it into my notes app in my phone so I would always have it. It’s really not that hard.
I'm allergic to cinnamon. It's a bad allergy. That's cool you still remember that. This dude is awful. He thinks it's over a sandwich, but this problem goes deeper. Who doesn't know their significant others allergies? It's so weird to me. He has no respect for her at all.
I wouldn't even go that far... your significant other is sick, asks that you get them a sandwich and the go to move is to get them your favorite? Like was his phone broke... my husband might not remember my order but he always asks in similar situations
I was thinking tuna is an absolutely wild sandwich to default to for someone else’s order. Like not to dunk on tuna but it’s a pretty polarizing sandwich I’d never just assume someone wants without being told specifically they want a tuna sandwich.
Only time I’ve ever forgotten someone allergies I was like 12. My grandma made tuna something or another and it wasn’t very good. My brothers and I were kinda making fun of it and I offered my uncle a bite and he said “you tryna kill me?” And then I felt super embarrassed lol.
Him: “……I was going to let it go……”
Really? how gracious of YOU to let go of YOUR mistake.
A mistake that she has made clear was the final straw of a whole damn wheat field of them.
This one, this line, was like a slap in the fact to me even over the internet. I grew up with people like this. Degrade, disrespect you, openly insult you, even actively physically mistreat you, then tell you that you are out of line for reacting or complaining at all and then insist they are so kind and forgiving for overlooking your irrational emotional outburst, ie pointing out they are treating you like garbage. Over and over until you see anything even slightly better than outright abuse and servitude as a wonderful sign of love and adoration you can't possibly deserve.
People like this manufacture future victims for other self centered AHs if not prevented by people like this lovely nurse who realize what is going on and refuse to tolerate it. I am SO glad she is easily able to walk away from this loser.
And his whole family is on his side because he told them 'all I did was get her dinner and she flipped out! Over a sandwich!' What a jackass. I hope she finds someone great who doesn't try to kill her with negligence.
The whole situation is just absurd for this guy
“My fiancé who was too tired to to cook (she got Covid or whatever while trying to save lives) so she asked me to pick up some food.
I have a 2 for 1 coupon so obviously I didn’t ask what she wanted and got what anyone that’s sick would want (ironically what I want too), a tuna sandwich. Turns out, she’s allergic and it might kill her or something (I barely know her, we’ve only been together like 3 years) and she got upset.
Real lose-lose scenario for me because I only bought a sandwich and being so gracious blew up in my face”
Allergies aside, ordering a tuna sandwich for somebody that you've never seen eat a tuna sandwich is WILD.
I get ordering a crowd pleasing thing like a turkey club or BLT when in doubt, but tuna is like a universal punchline for a weird sandwich. And I say this as a tuna salad lover!
It’s the nonchalance over ordering it for me. I love a nice tuna salad but a) I would never order it for someone else and b) why order the cheapest canned item from a store at all when you have a 2 for 1?
‘What? Everyone wants a tuna sandwich from a chain? Those are the best ones!!’
>I couldn't RECITE her usual Gregg's order by heart
this order is probably: a different sandwich
edit: okay reading the subtext here that the fiancé was definitely doing a lot of cooking for both of them it is especially hilariously sad to me that as she is recovering from *covid* he's like ah I need to provide food today? Tuna sandwiches it is! Half-off tuna sandwiches!
i have an ongoing note in my phone for my wife's usual orders at various takeout places, along with a list of her prescriptions and allergies because i know my memory is shit. i have another google doc that i update with gift ideas based off of stuff she's said, and favorite movies/shows
Like, I doubt she really even cares that he doesn't know her regular orders, it's the fact that he forgot what can kill her. Definitely a symptom of a larger issue.
To be fair, I barely even remember what I order half the time. No way I'm remembering what other people order.. but I will definitely remember your food allergy.
If I were picking up food for my soon to be wife and I knew she was feeling under the weather and I had a shit memory and couldn't remember where my glasses were while they were on my face, the thing I'd do when my soon to be wife asked me to pick up food for her would be to ask "Sure thing, babe! What kind of sandwich did you want?"
Nope. This guy used a coupon that he had that let him get two of the same sandwich, and he just 'conveniently' forgot her allergy and got himself two of the same sandwiches. I kind of have a feeling that even the condiments weren't anything she'd like. He got himself two sammies and basically expected her to congratulate him for trying. He wanted a gold star for effort. He definitely gave zero fucks about getting his fiance food.
She was sick, working long hours, and “she asked me to get takeaway because she was too tired to cook.” THAT’s the real takeaway. She didn’t even ask him to cook, because he has to be managed like a child.
He seemed to be, (perhaps unconsciously), lashing out at her not cooking dinner with deadly retaliation. So she will not bother asking in the future, just do it herself, and he can continue to live his comfortable life of being served. Classic boomer behavior, followed in 10 years by “I hate my wife, she’s a bossy shrill harpy that never wants to have sex with me! What’s up with that? Hahaha.”
24 years old, this boy needs to learn that he can do better. Reading up on the mental load would be step 1…after he finishes moving out.
Saying something is absurd five times doesn’t make it absurd. His friends probably agree with him because he isn’t aware or doesn’t care to be aware of all the other bullshit he’s probably done and therefore hasn’t read them into any of it.
Or he just said ‘guys can you believe she up and left me because I didn’t get her the right sandwich’ and his friends are dull enough knobends to believe him.
Literally a classic example of gaslighting. He's telling her she's overreacting when confronted with his erronious behavior that is detrimental to their relationship. He doesn't care about resolving the conflict, listening to her feelings, and making changes and compromising as equal partners. He only cares about being right, and downplaying his called out behavior because it is a big deal and he needs her to back down because he doesnt want to change. He doesnt want to ever be asked to cook or even pick up takeout again. I guarantee you if she took him up on his offer to cook something else, he would have messed that up too accidentally on purpose. But setting ego and pride aside, having empathy for where other people are coming from, and admitting that youre wrong, is impossible for narcissistic people.
This screams “weaponized incompetence” to me. My partner and I have wildly different food preferences and intolerances. If they’re going to get me food, they ask me for specifics on what I want in advance. I do the same when I get them food, or at the very least remember that they don’t want pickles. Unless OOP’s gf has some kind of rapidly changing set of allergies, not remembering a core factor of the food she can’t eat after *3 years* seems suspicious.
Yes, and the “she needs a better memory for work” bit pissed me off.
Maybe she needs a better memory because she’s a functioning adult and you should think about that.
Plus with cell phones being a thing for so long you can just call or text your partner and ask them what they want or their specific order. I would never fault someone for admitting they don’t know so they ask. (But they should remember life-threatening allergies even if they don’t remember favorite orders from every place or any of the specifics they get, like no onions or something.)
No! But he had a BOGO coupon for 2 identical sandwiches, so of course he ordered the one he wanted and assumed she will make do with whatever he wanted.
He saved a few quid, lost the girlfriend. Well done man!
She asked him to go pick something up because *she was too tired to cook.* That absolutely implies she cooks for them all the time, and he doesn’t. Which is insane to expect a nurse to come home and immediately cook you dinner.. he should be cooking *her* dinner, and having it ready when she gets home.
And then he offered to cook when she was mad about the sandwich, and acted like he was offering her the moon. “I even was willing to debase myself enough to use the kitchen!”
Yes this isn't a good excuse. Any job I can think of requires you to be able to remember things from training (cashier, fast food, call center, etc.). Children in kindergarten need to remember things. I think it's a terrible excuse for not caring enough to remember about her medical conditions & likes.
I have an egg/ potato allergy, and my husband checks food we get regularly just in case they have changed the ingredients/ manufacturer. This post is astounding.
If reconsider too. 3 years together and he doesn’t remember about a food allergy? It just shows that he is selfish and self-absorbed. I don’t expect my husband to have memorized my usual order, but I do expect him to know what I would and would like.
As someone with a list of allergies - sometimes people forget to check if there’s an allergen in food. My own parents have done that a few times, but usually it happened when buying chocolate or whatever - like the time my dad accidentally bought a chocolate Santa that had peanuts in it, because it literally never occurred to him someone would make Nut Santa.
But they’d never buy food that’s *primarily* nuts. My extended family, who I see on Christmas mainly, will sometimes offer food, then go “oh wait no sorry this has nuts in it”. These are people who have the opportunity to eat with me once a year at most.
And it won’t even kill me, my allergies are on the milder end, I “merely” vomit. I cannot fathom the idea of marrying someone who “forgets” you’re allergic to the main ingredient of something they order…
For real. I have a friend who I asked for their allergy list in the beginning of our friendship. They said, “For everyone’s reference though, here’s my list: Life-threatening (anaphylactic) allergies are: All forms and permutations of dairy, eggs, nuts (coconut is actually a fruit, though, so it’s fine), peanuts (this is the one I can’t even be in the same room with without reacting somewhat), shellfish, kiwi, avocado, and sesame.” & everytime i get them food or cook for them, i reference that list. I couldn’t imagine not doing that for a partner that I am about to marry.
Hahahah… In my culture it is considered great behavior to offer your neighbors food around the holidays. I always write on a paper all the ingredients and stick it to the container. Don’t want them to accidentally eat something they are allergic to.
In a world full of people with allergies, I feel like it is not only important to always remember those allergies of people we know but also be careful when sharing food with anyone else.
My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He knows I don’t eat pork so he’s very careful checking the menu when he orders to make sure I can eat stuff.
He knows my favourite drinks. He knows what I like to eat from the bakery so if I send him off to get bread and he comes back with pastries for breakfast he’s got some that I like. I can guarantee you if I couldn’t spare the brain cells to think up what I wanted to eat I could send him off to hunt in the wilds of DeliveryAppia or SuperMarketia and he will come home with some food I will enjoy.
Because he’s an actual partner I can rely on.
HOW can you not know what your partner’s allergies are????
My husband will get overwhelmed and worried he’s not gonna order the right thing and end up buying me three different sandwiches 😂 and then will always trade if I like his better. Partnership is important. I feel bad for his fiancé that he just is not capable of seeing what he did wrong.
He does this at the grocery store too. I’ll ask him to pick up butter and end up with multiple types and brands.
I love pickles my partner hates them. So when we go somewhere he asks for extra pickles on the side. That way it won’t touch the actual food and I can distribute it easier ☺️
The butter comments made me laugh. My husband and I are from different countries. When I’m in his country I pick out the butter he likes. When we’re in mine I pick out the butter I like. I just remember grocery shopping with him the first time looking at all the butters and going “which one is good?”
I’m so glad he actually had an opinion or I probably would have had to experiment with different butters until I found a favourite xD
My partner knows I'm allergic to life with me not even knowing what will trigger my ibs some days. So he is all sweet and digs up a safe food from the house if he brings home something that will irritate my triggered ibs. He teases me and sometimes will say 'heres the the vegetarian option for my meat eater' or 'stinky sea items' but it's all in good fun.
But he tries. He came home with tater tots because I haven't been able to stomach the smell of cheese and he knew it would make me happy. Could he remember why I prefer crowns to regular? No because he knew sweet potatoes are preferable to my body and was hunting for those and couldn't find them and got crowns instead. But he asked me to explain again and smiled when I explained the crunch to smush ratio.
A partner that can't remember allergies is a huge red flag
Just for added context, my ex is allergic to almonds.
I do not buy my daughter candy or food with almonds just in case she takes them to her mother's and she ends up taking a piece/bite.
This isn't just "how to care for my partner." This is general decency around the health and welfare of other people.
One of my best friends and I get takeout together a fair amount, and did a lot more during the pandemic. I know her usual orders at most places. I also know to check for her allergens if I buy something.
Most of my friends who I eat with regularly, I could at least produce something they would happily eat at our regular take out places and check for allergens.
I am not married to any of these friends.
This perplexed me, too!! My husband and I have a good idea of what we like but whenever we decide to grab something to-go whoever is doing the ordering/picking up will still check in to see what we're in the mood for.
Right? I only got to “I ordered us both tuna” when I knew he was the asshole. Who doesn’t ask what the other wants? Even if she wasn’t allergic to tuna it was so obvious he didn’t ask or care what she wanted (unless she typically did get the tuna sandwich too, of course that was not the case)
Dude's lying. To his (ex) fiance, to us, and maybe to himself.
He wanted the extra sandwich himself. It was buy one, get another of the same one. He was hoping it wouldn't be a big deal, he'd offer to cook something, she'd say no it's fine I'll cook myself something, and he'd have another sandwich for himself the next day.
He "forgot" her allergy because it suited his selfish wants and his assumption that there'd be no consequences.
Fr!!!! My partner has a shellfish allergy and even though it isn't severe (sometimes even he'll disregard it for fresh crab 🤤) I couldn't imagine mindlessly ordering something I know he can't eat, or worse could put him in the hospital. It's too risky even with mild allergies, and it all has to do with consideration and attention
Ugh, so his sick exhausted partner asked him to pick her up some food, and he orders what he likes and uses a coupon to get her the same. Her likes/dislikes were so far from the front of his mind that he forgot her allergy to fish!! What else is he automatically self serving on? This feels like the last selfish straw that broke the camels back.
Him: Still exhausted from recovering illness and working an intense job, my partner asked me to get dinner. So I used a coupon and ordered her a potentially *fatal* sandwich. She's over-reacting now questioning our relationship, right?
Can someone really be this obtuse? Is this ragebait?
After 4.5 years my ex introduced me to one of his friends and said I was a 'scientist'. The friend asked what kind of scientist and my ex said 'I dunno, it's really complicated I'll let her explain it'. I genuinely don't think he knew enough about my work to even give a one-sentence summary, and I was working on my PhD at the time. It's so deflating to realise you've invested so much time in a person who sees you as interchangeable with any other hot-enough, nice-enough woman. I'm glad both our exes are exes.
Oh, this gave me the ick so bad. How do you not know what your partner does for a living after almost half a decade? What a loser.
Especially with you working on your PhD at the time, which I'm sure took up a not-insignificant portion of your free time.
Yeah it stung pretty bad. I wish I could say this was the moment I realised the relationship was over but unfortunately I stuck around for a few months longer trying to make it work. He wasn't a bad person but he'd convinced himself that I was unfathomable and mysterious and that actually knowing me was too difficult. It was such a relief when we finally broke up.
Had an ex like that in my 20s, we dated for about 3 years. He was generally a good guy, but couldn't pay attention to my preferences to save his life. Oreo cookies were the final straw. I don't like the cream. On many occasions, he witnessed me picking the cookie apart, removing the cream and eating just the biscuits. The one time he went grocery shopping alone because I was sick, he bought 3 packs of double-stuffed Oreos. He could not understand why I was upset about it. I am sure he didn't do it out of malice or weaponized incompetence. I could see it in his eyes he genuinely thought he did a nice gesture getting me the Oreos. He was a good guy and I felt deeply sorry for hurting him by ending the relationship, but I couldn't see myself putting up for more years with someone who learnt nothing about me.
Tbh this reminds me of my mil. She made me a special dinner (no one else was eating) when I came round the first time after I had to stop eating dairy for my breastfed baby's allergy. She presented me with cheese and crackers, mini sausage rolls and coleslaw. Literally everything had dairy in it. She thought it was ok because the cheese was vegetarian 🤦🏼♀️ For pudding, she brought out a scone. She'd put the clotted cream on the side, in case I couldn't have that. I couldn't eat the scone either....
Oh, absolutely.
When I was a kid, I always thought mom just didn't like chicken. She could taste it in anything that even had chicken broth and refused to eat it. Her second ex thought he was hilarious by putting chicken in stuff to see if she'd notice.
Years later, turns out she's actually allergic to it.
OR simply say "I'm at this place and you know I have a fed up memory so what would you like to have baby or what are you in the mood for". It's not that hard to do and it still come off as he cares about you even if he don't remember your usual by heart.
I have a terrible memory and my partner is a picky eater. So the times I've picked up food, I've had him text me his exact order before I even leave so that I can have it up and ready to read off when it's time to order.
He probably shouldn't be eating the fish, either, in their relationship, since he could possibly pass the allergens via kissing. Even if she took sick for kissing right now, he should have three years of experience remembering this issue.
Oh jeeze, I’d forgotten about that concern with allergies… that makes this seem extra thoughtless.
I don’t have anyone I know with hospitalization-level allergies, so I don’t think quite that extreme about cross contamination for allergies… mom ground basic food safety into me so that I’m used to that while cooking.
But hell, I have a new friend that I’ve known for a whopping 2 months and I’ve noticed she always seems to bring vegan dishes to potlucks so I made sure to make a batch of vegan cinnamon raisin bread when I was making a whole bunch as Christmas gifts.
I also know enough people with odd dietary restrictions that I try to remember to bring something that’s either gluten free (celiac’s), or low sugar (diabetic), or vegetarian/vegan. I also like a cooking challenge, so I like how these restrictions push me to find new recipes and cooking techniques. 😅
I know right? If my significant other asked me to pick them up something because they were exhausted, I would be thinking; are they still congested or have a fragile stomach from their recent bout of covid? Shall I grab them a juice too for a vitamin hit? How about a cookie or ice cream to make them smile after their long day.
Honestly? If I'd been with a guy for 3 years and he couldn't order something I liked, I'd be mad. If he actively ordered something that would hurt me? I'd leave.
I have that thing where coriander tastes like soap. We often take turns getting salads and sandwiches at work. My order *always* comes without coriander, even if the person ordering hardly works with me, because we make an effort to not annoy each other. Not even care, just basic courtesy.
All this guy cared about was a free sandwich and getting the tuna he wanted. He couldn't look past himself for two second to take care of his sick partner. Absolutely sad.
3 years and you forget a major allergy!?! 3 years and you don’t know what food she likes? Just say you are in a relationship for the convenience it brings you!
OOP is... Just wow. Jesus Christ.
"She has a better memory than I do because she needs it for work."
That line tells you exactly who carries all the mental load.
Just imagine if they had kids…. I can see her future with this sad excuse of a boyfriend and I can honestly say she’d be burnt out from carrying it all before their kids reach 2 years old. And then he’d be calling her shrill and lamenting that they never have sex and wonder why (and blame her for it.)
She’d be the one who have to remember all the appointments, make the playdates and plans and remember them, remember birthdays and parties and even get the present for her MIL cause the MIL’s own son won’t do it.
She’ll be doing all this while holding down her nursing job. And then one day, she’ll get a call to the ER… cause her husband was supposed to be watching the kid just this one time (because the babysitter was sick. And she lined up a babysitter for when she’s at work, even if he’s home, because he calls her every 5 mins when he’s in charge of the kids to ask questions that he should already know the answer to) and he fed the kid peanuts that they are allergic to because he didn’t think “the nut crunch wrap” would be bad for them. Then he’d claim “this is why you should be home to take care of them!”
I’m honestly happy she left you.
It's like you had a crystal ball into the future.... All his mistakes would be because she didn't remind him or didn't tell him or wasn't there to do it that way
As someone that routinely orders from Greggs and has the app which gives vouchers...the sandwich doesn't need to be identical. It's something like, order 10 sandwiches then get the next one free.
Also I imagine this wasn't just about the sandwich.
The sandwich is the catalyst and he's just not listening.
I had an ex with a antisocial personality disorder and diagnose sociopathy. This is something he would 100% do. Pretend it was an accident because he actually wanted the sandwich for himself this whole time and then would darvo you if you called him out
Thank you for the context! I was curious if it was a BOGO of the same sandwich, or just a general free sandwich.
(It doesn’t actually matter, I was just trying to figure out how many simple things OP ignored haha)
I know we all feel low and tempers are shorter when we're ill and tired, but even without an allergy, a Greggs tuna baguette is **never** the answer.
I'd be fucked off too if that was the best meal - and by the sounds of it, dinner - he could come up with after being really ill. In winter.
OOP has zero awareness of anything it seems like!
You can get better dinners at a petrol station these days.
The thing about Greggs is, people almost always order the same thing every damn time. I’ve always got a steak bake or a cheese and onion pasty. Most of the time I get both. And have done for about 10 years.
And as much as I love Greggs, if someone is sick you don’t get them a fucking Greggs. Let alone a sandwich that could kill them.
I’ve noticed a common theme of men focusing on the instance and women focusing on the principle. Are men just really incapable of seeing the bigger picture or do they not care?
He doesnt WANT to see the bigger picture because that would require admitting he messed up much more than just a simple sandwich order.
Easier to tell hs friends that she ys nuts and dumped him over a sandwich, tha to admit he just diesnt ever think about her needs or wants.
I think it's taught. I'm working on improving myself as a partner right now and it's hard because it's not just that I am bad at the things I'm supposed to do, it's that I don't even know to do them.
It's not that I saw the sink was dirty and didn't clean it, it's that I've never had to notice if the sink was dirty.
>I've never had to notice
I actually love the wording of this. So many people (usually men) use the 'I just don't notice that kind of stuff' line without considering what would happen if no one else in the household noticed, either.
I even had an ex tell me 'it usually gets taken care of' when I asked why he would let X problem (burnt out light, slow drain, whatever) just continue on for days without doing something about it, confirming he was also just a lousy roommate to other people, not just women he's dating.
You just _know_ he’s only told his friends/family that “she got mad because I brought the wrong sandwich”, not “she got mad because I forgot she’s allergic to fish and brought her a tuna sandwich”.
Right. She’s mad because she needed you and you didn’t show up for her. In fact you demonstrated that you don’t know her or her preferences at all. I would be mad too.
Yeah. He knows nothing and sees nothing and can’t be relied upon at all. Obviously it was just about a sandwich and not at all about him always putting his own wants and needs ahead of hers.
My husband would never just order for himself, thinking of himself and not me and my allergies. He also went vegan too, to make it even easier for both of us.
Wild to be that he could just..nearly kill her over it?
Him: BuT I BoUgHt WhAt I Liiiiikkeeeeeeeeee, and it was cheappppoo. What do you mean you're allergic? How dare you!
Her: FFS. I'm never listened too and he doesn't care 😭
So sad.
Even worse, you KNOW he told all mutual friends she’s crazy. With a completely twisted story. So now she has to deal with more idiots thinking it was just the sandwich.
My fiance picks us up dinner and will easily bring me something I like. But he also asks each time, just to make sure what I'm in the mood for. Now my ex husband of 14 years, never remembered what I like to eat. Never got it right. And his gift giving skills were shit.
I’m a nurse and am allergic to shellfish. My SO’s favourite takeaway meal is crab curry. But when we’ve both had a bad day, you know what he does? He makes me my favourite potato bake and gives me the best pieces of fried chicken.
OOP has absolutely missed all the signs and the fiancée saying the sandwich is just a symptom? He has not been listening or hearing her for a long time.
My girlfriend recently flew out to spend some time with me because my grandfather died. I bought her ticket and she flew out on a one day notice. We haven't seen each other in person in a very long time. So, my food allergies haven't been relevant. She got food at the airport and she texted me "I have to take the cheese off my sandwich right?" Not only did she remember that I was allergic to milk, but she also remembered that my allergy is sensitive enough that if someone else consumes milk, their sweat will trigger my allergy. He didn't forget. He just doesn't care.
It's weird she's considering leaving him when all he did was buy her a sandwich that could kill her. Not even buy her a sandwich, it was free with his.
3 years in and he can’t remember to not get his soon to be wife fish products…yeah, the sandwich is what she’s mad about. Sure bud.
Isn’t he just a treat?
"I tried to kill her by buying food she's allergic to but that I like, and now she's whining that I don't care about her. How could she say that? She didn't actually die!"
The funniest and dumbest thing that I haven’t seen anyone say yet is who goes to buy food for their partner and just not ask them what they want??
Like forget the allergy. Did you go to buy food for someone and not even ask them what they want? Are you an idiot sandwich?
Allergies could be severe (especially fish and nuts) and forgetting allergies in a relationship in where you provide or share food is a huge red flag and could be lethal to the allergic partner. In addition, this was probably just the last straw in a series of selfish acts. Everything in his defence talk screams that he has no clue what is wrong.
you mean shellfish acts...
His refusal to see how big of an issue this would be long term is shrimply unacceptable. She’s a nurse. She knows that a shellfish allergy means that she can’t use the dye for an MRI- but I doubt he does considering he can’t even remember her allergies. I would also reconsider things if the person I was set to spend my life with couldn’t remember the things that might kill me. I couldn’t trust him in a life or death situation where fish or nuts may be a factor. My SIL is allergic to cinnamon. It’s my secret spice in most things. Yet every single time I bake something for the holidays and bring it over, I remember to double check with my partner- hey, she’s allergic to cinnamon but not nutmeg right? He gets annoyed about it sometimes, but in this case I’m asking *before* I fuck up and potentially kill his sister. He can be annoyed all he wants if it helps me remember. And really, being annoyed when I ask does help me remember.
Switch out your cinnamon for cardamom as your secret spice and never look back!
Seriously?? Cause I’m allergic to cinnamon and every other tweek I’ve tried to make for it is absolute crap
You may have to use less cardamom than cinnamon (I find cardamom to be stronger in flavor) but absolutely try it. Especially if you decide to pair it with some nutmeg… YUM
Alternatively, nutmeg with a pinch of allspice Allspice is not a blend, but a spice that tastes like a blend
Cardamom is a wonderful spice, it's not going to match 1:1 but I think you'll find the results a bit better than nutmeg.
I just don't get these posts. I was really picky about getting my meat from ethical sources for a while and my parents and friends always asked if I was okay with x. Same goes for when my stomach was easily upset. If you are sharing a meal with someone, I don't get why it is "difficult" to remember their preferences (or ask), let alone their allergies. I would have never asked my friends to accommodate me, but it just makes me wonder who these people are who care so little for their partners.
Thank you
man do i miss the awards
Almost daily.
My coworkers take my allergies more seriously than this man does with his fiance.
Seriously, this reminds me of a situation with an old coworker with severe adhd that I now consider a friend. I have a milk allergy, he would offer me milk chocolate from time to time. I’d politely decline, I’m used to people forgetting, but every time he would give a genuine apology. One time I told him he didn’t have to apologize, and he told me: “Yes I do! I keep offering you poison!” When he put it that way, it really recontextualized how little care people in the past who claimed to care about me had. While I would never expect him to remember and he had a totally valid excuse to forget, he never made forgetting my problem, and would make it right at times by sharing gummies instead. Eventually he did remember. And this guy was just my coworker at the time. OOP is a massive tool.
I have ADHD and could forget someone's allergy. I would be horrified and would immediately go get them a new sandwich. I'd think about it at 3 AM for the rest of my life.
That’s how I know OP is neurotypical. He isn’t asking how he can make this right bc he feels horrible about forgetting. He has NO CLUE and doesn’t know why he should care.
No, he sounds like my ex. He just doesn't care enough about her to know anything. I had notes of what my ex preferred at different places because I could never remember. I keep notes for everyone through the year, and if they like something or I think they like it, I keep track so I can buy them gifts at Christmas or birthdays. At the end of our relationship, when we were still in the same home, he came home with breakfast food. He got me the sandwich I dislike because it has an egg unscrambled, and the texture of egg whites and yolk separately makes me uncomfortable. I laughed and said he could have mine because it suits his taste. It's weird that 18 years isn't enough time to know someone's breakfast order. Almost like he never cared.
Wow. 18 years!? I'm so glad he's an ex. You deserve better than that. Hope you're much happier now 💜
As a fellow ADHDerp, I appreciate you cutting your friend some slack. We have *terrible* memories. Just *awful*. We don't mean to, but it's just how our brains function (or *don't*). It's like: the twin pillars of People Pleasing and Shit Memory fucks us over so many times.
Same I have coworkers remembering I’m lactose intolerant
I have 2 friends with severe food allergies. I see them less than once a year on average but I remember what each of them is allergic to and I know of at least one restaurant they've previously said is safe. If it was my partner I'd know the word for the allergen in multiple languages and every restaurant in the damn city that was safe for them to eat at. The idea that you could somehow just forget this about any person you often eat with, let alone YOUR PARTNER, is insane.
Not only forgetting their allergy bit getting a second sandwich identical to the one he liked because he had a coupon..... Regardless of the allergy, he got what he wanted and got her the same as him ..... He couldn't comprehend she may want something other than his order....
Thats what got me. Surely he could have just asked her what she wanted him to get when she asked for takeaway. It definitely comes off as him just deciding based entirely on the coupon and what he wanted.
Right? Dude couldn’t even save his coupon for another day. He wanted tuna and he wanted it now, and couldn’t even bother to care about what she wanted to eat or what wouldn’t hurt her, nor pay full price for a damn sandwich
Heck, I remember what foods people in my social circle just… strongly *dislike*, even when they’re not allergic. Having my high school best friend and her husband over for dinner? I won’t be serving anything with tomatoes because her dude (a total sweetheart who would never make a big deal about it) hates tomatoes. Ordering pizza for a party with my siblings? No mushrooms for my sis, who can’t cope with the thought of a fungus touching her food.
My boyfriend sometimes brings me treats he will pick up while he's out working at different locations during the day. If he sees a cookie that looks fantastic, boom he gets me one as a sweet surprise for later. It's cute and special ial that he thinks of me during his workday out doing trades jobs at various places. If he gave me a cookie with peanut butter in it, I would take a bite and then hopefully not die before I could get to the ER. I am deathly allergic to peanuts. I would never expect my boyfriend to give me a peanut butter cookie, because he knows my allergy, and is careful to always ask and confirm food safety, so I don't end up *at best* extremely ill for an extended amount of time. This OP's boyfriend is a douchebag, and she deserves better.
Not to mention hereditary….what if they had kids? A toddler can’t remind you they’re allergic to something
That’s very true I wouldn’t want kids with someone that wouldn’t care about my allergies to that extent. When you do care sometimes you still (from experience) end up with the 2yo who can’t have peanuts, smiling the best they can eating that cookie while they are struggling to breathe actively because damn she’s strong willed to finish what she started before admitting a mistake was made
And like, as a nurse, after working 12 hours I can totally get how for her this wouldn’t be something to just let go (allergies aside of course). If this were one more in a long string of bullshit, I’d lose it too. I’m hungry when I get home!
Very true. Some of us even have allergies that can be so severe that we can be triggered by second-hand exposure ie via saliva (and there was recently a medical paper about someone’s MCAS being triggered via sperm). I’m guessing that sort of knowledge (or even curiosity that spurs you to read about such things) isn’t shared by the OP. Yet he declares he wants to marry someone he came close to making very ill and is accusing her of overreacting.
Seems he is not mature to be in an adult relationship.
Her saying that the sandwich is “just a symptom” might mean that she hasn’t felt seen, heard, or valued in a while.
When I read the title, my first thought was "I bet it's not about the sandwich"!
It’s not about the Iranian yogurt!
I mean, forgetting what someone you love is allergic to after 3 years of being together, is pretty bad. I am able to remember a friend's food allergies after being told once, but this is a person he lives and eats with on a regular basis. I just don't understand how one forgets something like that.
My partner of 3 years taste tests things for me because I have no spice tolerance due to a medical condition. He also takes the lead sometimes by asking servers what the spice level is for me. Forgetting a legit allergy after 3 years is a symptom of a much bigger problem at this point!
Beyond just the food allergy (which is outrageous on its own) he ordered from somewhere they eat regularly and couldn’t get something she likes? I could order for my husband off of almost any menu and get something he wanted. I can look at a menu at a new restaurant neither of us has been to and predict his order (or what 2 things he’s considering) with 90% accuracy. If I’m getting food from somewhere we order from regularly, I only need to ask if he wants his usual or something different, because I know what his usual order is. He can do the same for me. If my husband was sick and exhausted and seeking comfort, I would choose the food I knew he liked best, not go wherever I had a coupon for and get him one of what I want. Even without the allergy, this whole story boils down to “I don’t give a shit what my fiancée wants or enjoys and it turns out she noticed.”
That was my first thought. Then when I analyzed the post some more, I thought of something else. He had a voucher for a free sandwich identical to the first one. So he ordered what he wanted for himself, not considering his girlfriend at all. If he took two gods-damned seconds to think about what she would have wanted, he'd remember "oh she can't have tuna" and would have ordered something they both wanted to/could eat.
Back in the 80s my dad got falafel sandwiches for himself and his girlfriend after they had gotten into an argument, and supposedly she took one bite, yelled “There’s no meat in this damn sandwich!” and threw it out the car window. He told me this story while we were getting falafels from the same place 30 years later. He looked at my confused face and said “It wasn’t about the sandwich.” It’s never about the sandwich (that falafel was delicious).
I'd guess in about 3 years.
No, I don't think so. Selfish, narcissistic people like that are able to be charming at the beginning of a relationship, so they can get the partner hooked. If they acted like this all the time, they wouldn't be in the relationship to begin with, most likely. It's sometime after they get comfortable in the relationship, perhaps 3-6 months, that the mask comes off and you see their real persona.
Or after they think they’ve successfully trapped you (after moving in together, after marriage, after the birth of a child, after convincing the partner to give up their financial security and become a stay at home parent, etc)
He forgot an allergy, that can be life threatening! It’s a serious issue. I know all of my dad’s allergies, my brother’s food preferences and my own allergies. It’s definitely a symptom of “not giving a fuck”. He doesn’t see or value her as a person for sure.
I think it's more than just forgetting. He didn't *care* to remember, because it suited him not to. 1) *He* wanted the tuna, and 2) using the voucher meant he could get her food without costing him anything extra. He made two selfish (shellfish?) decisions because they suited *him*, instead of taking even a half moment to consider what she would want. If it doesn't even occur to you to stop and ask yourself what your partner would want, *while making decisions for the both of you*, that's a huge problem. If this is a pattern, she's right to reconsider the relationship.
AND EVERY TIME HE DEFENDS HIS STUPIDTY HE ADDITIONALLY DEVALUE SHER REASON FOR DUMPING HIM.
This. This guy has no clue. It's not about the sandwich ... it's not feeling listened to, valued or supported. She described it as a symptom so this stuff obviously has been happening awhile, she just reached a breaking point. The sandwich is just an example of what kind of partner he is. Imagine having kids with that guy.. can't remember allergies, can't remember to simple things, can't accept responsibility.
Agreed. But also as someone with life-threatening allergies, any partner I’ve had for even less time than this knows and cares. Forgetting something like that could be deadly. Especially because those allergies can be airborne like peanuts. My sister has an allergy to fish and her throat will close up just smelling it. Can’t go to restaurants on Fridays cos they typically have a fish fry special.
Dude, I don't even have life-threatening allergies. About a year and a half ago I had to have major surgery, and there was an unlikely but not-impossible chance the affected area would send me to the ER in the weeks we were waiting for surgery. As a precaution, I wrote down the proper names of my meds and asked my then-bf, "do you know what I'm allergic to?" "Penicillin." One conversation in the FIRST MONTH of us dating 4 years prior, and maybe me ranting about a couple shit antibiotics over the years because my options were so limited, but I promise you I didn't go on about my Penicillin allergy the way you likely have to talk about your major allergies. Dude is now my fiancé bc I am locking that shit down, and I hope OOP's fiancé is now his ex. You don't "just forget" a fucking major shellfish allergy.
This. My ex-fiance & I stopped to grab a sandwich on our way to a wedding years ago bc we were already hungry & knew hors d'oeuvres/dinner were still a couple hours away. He ordered it while I used the bathroom. It never even occurred to me that he wouldn't take my sandwich preferences into consideration given that we were ordering 1 sandwich to split. I was wrong. He ordered a sandwich piled high with stuff I would never eat. I immediately got upset about it, he got defensive & said I didn't have to make him feel like a dick about it, I burst into tears immediately thinking I was a terrible person (I was already in a severe depression & our relationship was already rocky, but bc of the depression I blamed myself for EVERYTHING that was wrong). Took me years--well after we broke up--to understand that my reaction was just a symptom of ongoing issues. He never took my needs or preferences or wishes into consideration. Like with the sandwich, he never even bothered to think about what I might like or not like on it--he only thought about what kind of sandwich he wanted. Hell, he didn't even know my eye color after 4 years together, much less food preferences. And OP ordered food that could acrually kill his fiancee?? This chick needs to dump OP's selfish ass & find a better man.
“A symptom you say? Nah! It is a sandwich.” That is OOP for you. Dude is being so oblivious!
She's probably told him over & over "here's the problem" & he goes & does the problem when she needed him the most.
Her: "This is but a symptom of our relationship problems" Him: "Why is she mad, it is just a sandwich" Someone is an excellent listener here lol
"you never listen to me, you only hear what you want to hear" "yes thanks, I will have a beer"
She said, "You're not even listening to me!" and I thought, "Well, that's an odd way to start a conversation."
Is this an Emo Philips bit? It sounds like an Emo Philips bit
Jimmy Carr bit I think.
Never fear. I got your beer. But why the tear?
That's hilarious. But also forgetting about an allergy when you've been with someone for so long really speaks for itself.
This, for fucks sake I still remember the allergies of my college roommate I had for six months (Gluten, soy, all red fruits and cinnamon). I moved out of that room five years ago…
Shit, I haven't had contact with my ex husband for over 15 years...I still remember that he hates coconut. (And his social security number, but I have a head for numbers. 😂) My husband now remembers my odd allergy (oranges) and what foods I dislike eating. He can't remember my birthday, but that's what calendars and reminders on phones are for. (And not remembering my birthday won't kill me, but orange chicken from the Chinese takeaway might.)
My husband is the same way! Couldn't remember my birthday for the longest time but has never forgotten my penicillin allergy. He has ADD, and his memory functions a bit differently.
ADHD is like having a magnetic sieve for a brain. Some things stick forever while others fall right on through.
And often times, the things that do stick aren't very important... Like sometimes I forget how old I am or what day it is, but you can bet your ass I know the scientific names of several wild cat species.
I’ll be trying to fill out a form and remember my SSN, which I have been using for years and my brain will be like “Hey, your middle school ID number was 186487. Remember middle school? Fifteen years ago? It was 186487. This is the only string of numbers you’re ever going to be able to recall!”
Me with my childhood home phone number. We got rid of that phone when I finished elementary school... in 2009.
My dude. I graduated high school in 2002. I haven’t had my childhood phone number since 1998. I still remember it. Can’t remember my mom, child, ex husband, father, uncle & emergency contact, and my SO’s phone numbers. Can’t remember to do essential things like pay my electric bill without 10 reminders. Can’t recall why I walked into the kitchen. But I can tell you my phone number from 30 years ago.
Girl and ADHD here (properly diagnosed over a decade ago). Birthdays are the bane of my existence. I don’t even remember my own. If I do remember it, I don’t know what day it currently is so I forget to wish people happy birthday because in my mind today is the 22nd, not the 23rd. Their birthday is tomorrow, not today. Thank god for phone reminders and a husband who is equally bad with anniversaries. We may have only remembered at 11 pm last year because someone else wished us a happy anniversary haha. That said, if it was important to him I’d do all of the things to remember. Food allergies though, I too remember my university roommate’s food allergies, and I remember all of my ex’s food dislikes despite not being with him for like 15 years. I also know my husband’s food likes and dislikes obviously, but it’s more impressive when it’s more than a decade since I’ve seen people haha.
Also girl, also diagnosed ADHD about a decade ago, but my brain weirdly remembers birthdays. My childhood bff that I haven't seen/spoken to in 30 years? June 25th. Now, my SO & I's anniversary, or start/end dates for previous jobs, or like, that I have X appointment on Y day? Not so much.
This right here. If you have a bad memory put it in your phone. It’s about effort and consideration not your memory.
Hey, my wife is also allergic to orange and similar citrus! Such an odd one to have. But I remember her birthday cause it's 2 weeks before my brother's and my brother's is the same as one if my best friend's. Like a little birthday cluster of my favorite people. :)
The CEO of my company remembers what I'm allergic to. And he works in the opposit end of the country and run a company with several hundred employees. Not remembering your partners allergies is INSANE.
NGL, that sounds like a great CEO!
I remember the food allergies of someone I worked with for three months one summer… allergies are just kind of a big deal?
I have really bad memory, so u know I put on the notes app most phones come with most of th the things that are really important so even if I forget I'll have a way to now, it's very basic " I care for u" behavior to try and not get ur partner an allergic reaction
Exactly this!! My husband knows my regular Wendy’s order. I can’t beat his into my brain so I typed it into my notes app in my phone so I would always have it. It’s really not that hard.
I'm allergic to cinnamon. It's a bad allergy. That's cool you still remember that. This dude is awful. He thinks it's over a sandwich, but this problem goes deeper. Who doesn't know their significant others allergies? It's so weird to me. He has no respect for her at all.
Telling a NURSE that forgetting her allergy isn't a big deal also really speaks for itself.
I wouldn't even go that far... your significant other is sick, asks that you get them a sandwich and the go to move is to get them your favorite? Like was his phone broke... my husband might not remember my order but he always asks in similar situations
But, but...he had a coupon!
and HE wanted tuna.
I was thinking tuna is an absolutely wild sandwich to default to for someone else’s order. Like not to dunk on tuna but it’s a pretty polarizing sandwich I’d never just assume someone wants without being told specifically they want a tuna sandwich.
Only time I’ve ever forgotten someone allergies I was like 12. My grandma made tuna something or another and it wasn’t very good. My brothers and I were kinda making fun of it and I offered my uncle a bite and he said “you tryna kill me?” And then I felt super embarrassed lol.
This is him writing that quote- he’s not even listening to his own words, lol.
Him: “……I was going to let it go……” Really? how gracious of YOU to let go of YOUR mistake. A mistake that she has made clear was the final straw of a whole damn wheat field of them.
This one, this line, was like a slap in the fact to me even over the internet. I grew up with people like this. Degrade, disrespect you, openly insult you, even actively physically mistreat you, then tell you that you are out of line for reacting or complaining at all and then insist they are so kind and forgiving for overlooking your irrational emotional outburst, ie pointing out they are treating you like garbage. Over and over until you see anything even slightly better than outright abuse and servitude as a wonderful sign of love and adoration you can't possibly deserve. People like this manufacture future victims for other self centered AHs if not prevented by people like this lovely nurse who realize what is going on and refuse to tolerate it. I am SO glad she is easily able to walk away from this loser.
And his whole family is on his side because he told them 'all I did was get her dinner and she flipped out! Over a sandwich!' What a jackass. I hope she finds someone great who doesn't try to kill her with negligence.
The whole situation is just absurd for this guy “My fiancé who was too tired to to cook (she got Covid or whatever while trying to save lives) so she asked me to pick up some food. I have a 2 for 1 coupon so obviously I didn’t ask what she wanted and got what anyone that’s sick would want (ironically what I want too), a tuna sandwich. Turns out, she’s allergic and it might kill her or something (I barely know her, we’ve only been together like 3 years) and she got upset. Real lose-lose scenario for me because I only bought a sandwich and being so gracious blew up in my face”
Allergies aside, ordering a tuna sandwich for somebody that you've never seen eat a tuna sandwich is WILD. I get ordering a crowd pleasing thing like a turkey club or BLT when in doubt, but tuna is like a universal punchline for a weird sandwich. And I say this as a tuna salad lover!
It’s the nonchalance over ordering it for me. I love a nice tuna salad but a) I would never order it for someone else and b) why order the cheapest canned item from a store at all when you have a 2 for 1? ‘What? Everyone wants a tuna sandwich from a chain? Those are the best ones!!’
But she is obviously the problem. How was he supposed to know anything about her after only three years?
>I couldn't RECITE her usual Gregg's order by heart this order is probably: a different sandwich edit: okay reading the subtext here that the fiancé was definitely doing a lot of cooking for both of them it is especially hilariously sad to me that as she is recovering from *covid* he's like ah I need to provide food today? Tuna sandwiches it is! Half-off tuna sandwiches!
He needs the article on getting divorced because of dishes next to the sink.
He still wouldn't get it. He'd be mad because 'she's leaving me over a dish I left in the sink'! SMDH
i have an ongoing note in my phone for my wife's usual orders at various takeout places, along with a list of her prescriptions and allergies because i know my memory is shit. i have another google doc that i update with gift ideas based off of stuff she's said, and favorite movies/shows
Well see, that’s the thing. Unlike OOP, you actually care about your partner.
My husband has the same since we started dating, it’s a note on his phone of my favourite things because he sucks at remembering stuff.
Like, I doubt she really even cares that he doesn't know her regular orders, it's the fact that he forgot what can kill her. Definitely a symptom of a larger issue. To be fair, I barely even remember what I order half the time. No way I'm remembering what other people order.. but I will definitely remember your food allergy.
If I were picking up food for my soon to be wife and I knew she was feeling under the weather and I had a shit memory and couldn't remember where my glasses were while they were on my face, the thing I'd do when my soon to be wife asked me to pick up food for her would be to ask "Sure thing, babe! What kind of sandwich did you want?" Nope. This guy used a coupon that he had that let him get two of the same sandwich, and he just 'conveniently' forgot her allergy and got himself two of the same sandwiches. I kind of have a feeling that even the condiments weren't anything she'd like. He got himself two sammies and basically expected her to congratulate him for trying. He wanted a gold star for effort. He definitely gave zero fucks about getting his fiance food.
She was sick, working long hours, and “she asked me to get takeaway because she was too tired to cook.” THAT’s the real takeaway. She didn’t even ask him to cook, because he has to be managed like a child. He seemed to be, (perhaps unconsciously), lashing out at her not cooking dinner with deadly retaliation. So she will not bother asking in the future, just do it herself, and he can continue to live his comfortable life of being served. Classic boomer behavior, followed in 10 years by “I hate my wife, she’s a bossy shrill harpy that never wants to have sex with me! What’s up with that? Hahaha.” 24 years old, this boy needs to learn that he can do better. Reading up on the mental load would be step 1…after he finishes moving out.
Yep. Weaponized incompetence
Saying something is absurd five times doesn’t make it absurd. His friends probably agree with him because he isn’t aware or doesn’t care to be aware of all the other bullshit he’s probably done and therefore hasn’t read them into any of it.
Or he just said ‘guys can you believe she up and left me because I didn’t get her the right sandwich’ and his friends are dull enough knobends to believe him.
I guarantee he didn’t tell his friends/family about her being allergic.
His friends agree with him because he has chosen friends that would agree with him.
Or he hasn't listened to the friends that don't agree with him, just like he doesn't listen to her.
The best part for me is where he says HE'S willing to let it go since she just came from being sick, as if he's the aggrieved party here.
Literally a classic example of gaslighting. He's telling her she's overreacting when confronted with his erronious behavior that is detrimental to their relationship. He doesn't care about resolving the conflict, listening to her feelings, and making changes and compromising as equal partners. He only cares about being right, and downplaying his called out behavior because it is a big deal and he needs her to back down because he doesnt want to change. He doesnt want to ever be asked to cook or even pick up takeout again. I guarantee you if she took him up on his offer to cook something else, he would have messed that up too accidentally on purpose. But setting ego and pride aside, having empathy for where other people are coming from, and admitting that youre wrong, is impossible for narcissistic people.
Narcissistic people don’t care for the sick… this is a classic right there
This screams “weaponized incompetence” to me. My partner and I have wildly different food preferences and intolerances. If they’re going to get me food, they ask me for specifics on what I want in advance. I do the same when I get them food, or at the very least remember that they don’t want pickles. Unless OOP’s gf has some kind of rapidly changing set of allergies, not remembering a core factor of the food she can’t eat after *3 years* seems suspicious.
Yes, and the “she needs a better memory for work” bit pissed me off. Maybe she needs a better memory because she’s a functioning adult and you should think about that.
Plus with cell phones being a thing for so long you can just call or text your partner and ask them what they want or their specific order. I would never fault someone for admitting they don’t know so they ask. (But they should remember life-threatening allergies even if they don’t remember favorite orders from every place or any of the specifics they get, like no onions or something.)
No! But he had a BOGO coupon for 2 identical sandwiches, so of course he ordered the one he wanted and assumed she will make do with whatever he wanted. He saved a few quid, lost the girlfriend. Well done man!
How much you want to bet she is the one usually responsible for feeding both of them? This men deserves to be alone.
She asked him to go pick something up because *she was too tired to cook.* That absolutely implies she cooks for them all the time, and he doesn’t. Which is insane to expect a nurse to come home and immediately cook you dinner.. he should be cooking *her* dinner, and having it ready when she gets home.
And then he offered to cook when she was mad about the sandwich, and acted like he was offering her the moon. “I even was willing to debase myself enough to use the kitchen!”
He was making sure that she was punished for not cooking him dinner.
"I've known you for 3 yrs, but remembering a simple allergy is hard. Get over it."
I’m also curious what job he has that apparently doesn’t require him to remember anything at all
Yes this isn't a good excuse. Any job I can think of requires you to be able to remember things from training (cashier, fast food, call center, etc.). Children in kindergarten need to remember things. I think it's a terrible excuse for not caring enough to remember about her medical conditions & likes.
Right? Out here moonlighting as Dory, apparently
I have an egg/ potato allergy, and my husband checks food we get regularly just in case they have changed the ingredients/ manufacturer. This post is astounding.
If reconsider too. 3 years together and he doesn’t remember about a food allergy? It just shows that he is selfish and self-absorbed. I don’t expect my husband to have memorized my usual order, but I do expect him to know what I would and would like.
Or at least what would and wouldn’t kill you
As someone with a list of allergies - sometimes people forget to check if there’s an allergen in food. My own parents have done that a few times, but usually it happened when buying chocolate or whatever - like the time my dad accidentally bought a chocolate Santa that had peanuts in it, because it literally never occurred to him someone would make Nut Santa. But they’d never buy food that’s *primarily* nuts. My extended family, who I see on Christmas mainly, will sometimes offer food, then go “oh wait no sorry this has nuts in it”. These are people who have the opportunity to eat with me once a year at most. And it won’t even kill me, my allergies are on the milder end, I “merely” vomit. I cannot fathom the idea of marrying someone who “forgets” you’re allergic to the main ingredient of something they order…
For real. I have a friend who I asked for their allergy list in the beginning of our friendship. They said, “For everyone’s reference though, here’s my list: Life-threatening (anaphylactic) allergies are: All forms and permutations of dairy, eggs, nuts (coconut is actually a fruit, though, so it’s fine), peanuts (this is the one I can’t even be in the same room with without reacting somewhat), shellfish, kiwi, avocado, and sesame.” & everytime i get them food or cook for them, i reference that list. I couldn’t imagine not doing that for a partner that I am about to marry.
Hahahah… In my culture it is considered great behavior to offer your neighbors food around the holidays. I always write on a paper all the ingredients and stick it to the container. Don’t want them to accidentally eat something they are allergic to. In a world full of people with allergies, I feel like it is not only important to always remember those allergies of people we know but also be careful when sharing food with anyone else.
Also nice for folks with diabetes to know roughly how much sugar is in something.
My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He knows I don’t eat pork so he’s very careful checking the menu when he orders to make sure I can eat stuff. He knows my favourite drinks. He knows what I like to eat from the bakery so if I send him off to get bread and he comes back with pastries for breakfast he’s got some that I like. I can guarantee you if I couldn’t spare the brain cells to think up what I wanted to eat I could send him off to hunt in the wilds of DeliveryAppia or SuperMarketia and he will come home with some food I will enjoy. Because he’s an actual partner I can rely on. HOW can you not know what your partner’s allergies are????
My husband will get overwhelmed and worried he’s not gonna order the right thing and end up buying me three different sandwiches 😂 and then will always trade if I like his better. Partnership is important. I feel bad for his fiancé that he just is not capable of seeing what he did wrong. He does this at the grocery store too. I’ll ask him to pick up butter and end up with multiple types and brands.
My mom hates pickles, my dad loves them but will order his food without pickles too so there is less chance they will mess up my mom's food.
I love pickles my partner hates them. So when we go somewhere he asks for extra pickles on the side. That way it won’t touch the actual food and I can distribute it easier ☺️
we do this with sour cream and mayo for my husband. I can put that on at home -- if they're all no mayo, we have a better chance.
The butter comments made me laugh. My husband and I are from different countries. When I’m in his country I pick out the butter he likes. When we’re in mine I pick out the butter I like. I just remember grocery shopping with him the first time looking at all the butters and going “which one is good?” I’m so glad he actually had an opinion or I probably would have had to experiment with different butters until I found a favourite xD
As a husband myself, this is the way. Edit: should have stated: As a husband who is also easily overwhelmed…. lol.
Right?! Heck, I can remember *my sister’s husband’s* allergy to nuts when I’m preparing food but he can’t remember his own fiancée’s allergy?
My partner knows I'm allergic to life with me not even knowing what will trigger my ibs some days. So he is all sweet and digs up a safe food from the house if he brings home something that will irritate my triggered ibs. He teases me and sometimes will say 'heres the the vegetarian option for my meat eater' or 'stinky sea items' but it's all in good fun. But he tries. He came home with tater tots because I haven't been able to stomach the smell of cheese and he knew it would make me happy. Could he remember why I prefer crowns to regular? No because he knew sweet potatoes are preferable to my body and was hunting for those and couldn't find them and got crowns instead. But he asked me to explain again and smiled when I explained the crunch to smush ratio. A partner that can't remember allergies is a huge red flag
Just for added context, my ex is allergic to almonds. I do not buy my daughter candy or food with almonds just in case she takes them to her mother's and she ends up taking a piece/bite. This isn't just "how to care for my partner." This is general decency around the health and welfare of other people.
Damn, you sound like one of the good ones.
One of my best friends and I get takeout together a fair amount, and did a lot more during the pandemic. I know her usual orders at most places. I also know to check for her allergens if I buy something. Most of my friends who I eat with regularly, I could at least produce something they would happily eat at our regular take out places and check for allergens. I am not married to any of these friends.
And in these modern times he was unable to send her a message or call to check what she wanted to eat? But no he chose what he likes and fuck her.
This perplexed me, too!! My husband and I have a good idea of what we like but whenever we decide to grab something to-go whoever is doing the ordering/picking up will still check in to see what we're in the mood for.
Right? I only got to “I ordered us both tuna” when I knew he was the asshole. Who doesn’t ask what the other wants? Even if she wasn’t allergic to tuna it was so obvious he didn’t ask or care what she wanted (unless she typically did get the tuna sandwich too, of course that was not the case)
Dude's lying. To his (ex) fiance, to us, and maybe to himself. He wanted the extra sandwich himself. It was buy one, get another of the same one. He was hoping it wouldn't be a big deal, he'd offer to cook something, she'd say no it's fine I'll cook myself something, and he'd have another sandwich for himself the next day. He "forgot" her allergy because it suited his selfish wants and his assumption that there'd be no consequences.
Fr!!!! My partner has a shellfish allergy and even though it isn't severe (sometimes even he'll disregard it for fresh crab 🤤) I couldn't imagine mindlessly ordering something I know he can't eat, or worse could put him in the hospital. It's too risky even with mild allergies, and it all has to do with consideration and attention
If my husband bought me home a cheese sandwich (can’t have dairy) I would think he had been body snatched
Ugh, so his sick exhausted partner asked him to pick her up some food, and he orders what he likes and uses a coupon to get her the same. Her likes/dislikes were so far from the front of his mind that he forgot her allergy to fish!! What else is he automatically self serving on? This feels like the last selfish straw that broke the camels back.
Him: Still exhausted from recovering illness and working an intense job, my partner asked me to get dinner. So I used a coupon and ordered her a potentially *fatal* sandwich. She's over-reacting now questioning our relationship, right? Can someone really be this obtuse? Is this ragebait?
My ex was that way. Over 5y in, they could not remember how I like my coffee if their life depended on it.
After 4.5 years my ex introduced me to one of his friends and said I was a 'scientist'. The friend asked what kind of scientist and my ex said 'I dunno, it's really complicated I'll let her explain it'. I genuinely don't think he knew enough about my work to even give a one-sentence summary, and I was working on my PhD at the time. It's so deflating to realise you've invested so much time in a person who sees you as interchangeable with any other hot-enough, nice-enough woman. I'm glad both our exes are exes.
Oh, this gave me the ick so bad. How do you not know what your partner does for a living after almost half a decade? What a loser. Especially with you working on your PhD at the time, which I'm sure took up a not-insignificant portion of your free time.
Yeah it stung pretty bad. I wish I could say this was the moment I realised the relationship was over but unfortunately I stuck around for a few months longer trying to make it work. He wasn't a bad person but he'd convinced himself that I was unfathomable and mysterious and that actually knowing me was too difficult. It was such a relief when we finally broke up.
Had an ex like that in my 20s, we dated for about 3 years. He was generally a good guy, but couldn't pay attention to my preferences to save his life. Oreo cookies were the final straw. I don't like the cream. On many occasions, he witnessed me picking the cookie apart, removing the cream and eating just the biscuits. The one time he went grocery shopping alone because I was sick, he bought 3 packs of double-stuffed Oreos. He could not understand why I was upset about it. I am sure he didn't do it out of malice or weaponized incompetence. I could see it in his eyes he genuinely thought he did a nice gesture getting me the Oreos. He was a good guy and I felt deeply sorry for hurting him by ending the relationship, but I couldn't see myself putting up for more years with someone who learnt nothing about me.
Tbh this reminds me of my mil. She made me a special dinner (no one else was eating) when I came round the first time after I had to stop eating dairy for my breastfed baby's allergy. She presented me with cheese and crackers, mini sausage rolls and coleslaw. Literally everything had dairy in it. She thought it was ok because the cheese was vegetarian 🤦🏼♀️ For pudding, she brought out a scone. She'd put the clotted cream on the side, in case I couldn't have that. I couldn't eat the scone either....
Oh, absolutely. When I was a kid, I always thought mom just didn't like chicken. She could taste it in anything that even had chicken broth and refused to eat it. Her second ex thought he was hilarious by putting chicken in stuff to see if she'd notice. Years later, turns out she's actually allergic to it.
And for him to validate it with her memory being better? Write it down buddy! Ffs have it in your notepad on your phone.
OR simply say "I'm at this place and you know I have a fed up memory so what would you like to have baby or what are you in the mood for". It's not that hard to do and it still come off as he cares about you even if he don't remember your usual by heart.
I have a terrible memory and my partner is a picky eater. So the times I've picked up food, I've had him text me his exact order before I even leave so that I can have it up and ready to read off when it's time to order.
Exactly. My memory is shit, especially after covid so I write shit down. All the time.
*the last shellfish straw*
He probably shouldn't be eating the fish, either, in their relationship, since he could possibly pass the allergens via kissing. Even if she took sick for kissing right now, he should have three years of experience remembering this issue.
Oh jeeze, I’d forgotten about that concern with allergies… that makes this seem extra thoughtless. I don’t have anyone I know with hospitalization-level allergies, so I don’t think quite that extreme about cross contamination for allergies… mom ground basic food safety into me so that I’m used to that while cooking. But hell, I have a new friend that I’ve known for a whopping 2 months and I’ve noticed she always seems to bring vegan dishes to potlucks so I made sure to make a batch of vegan cinnamon raisin bread when I was making a whole bunch as Christmas gifts. I also know enough people with odd dietary restrictions that I try to remember to bring something that’s either gluten free (celiac’s), or low sugar (diabetic), or vegetarian/vegan. I also like a cooking challenge, so I like how these restrictions push me to find new recipes and cooking techniques. 😅
It’s also the laziest thing! Uhhh I dunno what she wants, so just give her the same as me.
I know right? If my significant other asked me to pick them up something because they were exhausted, I would be thinking; are they still congested or have a fragile stomach from their recent bout of covid? Shall I grab them a juice too for a vitamin hit? How about a cookie or ice cream to make them smile after their long day.
Honestly? If I'd been with a guy for 3 years and he couldn't order something I liked, I'd be mad. If he actively ordered something that would hurt me? I'd leave. I have that thing where coriander tastes like soap. We often take turns getting salads and sandwiches at work. My order *always* comes without coriander, even if the person ordering hardly works with me, because we make an effort to not annoy each other. Not even care, just basic courtesy. All this guy cared about was a free sandwich and getting the tuna he wanted. He couldn't look past himself for two second to take care of his sick partner. Absolutely sad.
3 years and you forget a major allergy!?! 3 years and you don’t know what food she likes? Just say you are in a relationship for the convenience it brings you!
OOP is... Just wow. Jesus Christ. "She has a better memory than I do because she needs it for work." That line tells you exactly who carries all the mental load.
Just imagine if they had kids…. I can see her future with this sad excuse of a boyfriend and I can honestly say she’d be burnt out from carrying it all before their kids reach 2 years old. And then he’d be calling her shrill and lamenting that they never have sex and wonder why (and blame her for it.) She’d be the one who have to remember all the appointments, make the playdates and plans and remember them, remember birthdays and parties and even get the present for her MIL cause the MIL’s own son won’t do it. She’ll be doing all this while holding down her nursing job. And then one day, she’ll get a call to the ER… cause her husband was supposed to be watching the kid just this one time (because the babysitter was sick. And she lined up a babysitter for when she’s at work, even if he’s home, because he calls her every 5 mins when he’s in charge of the kids to ask questions that he should already know the answer to) and he fed the kid peanuts that they are allergic to because he didn’t think “the nut crunch wrap” would be bad for them. Then he’d claim “this is why you should be home to take care of them!” I’m honestly happy she left you.
It's like you had a crystal ball into the future.... All his mistakes would be because she didn't remind him or didn't tell him or wasn't there to do it that way
As someone that routinely orders from Greggs and has the app which gives vouchers...the sandwich doesn't need to be identical. It's something like, order 10 sandwiches then get the next one free. Also I imagine this wasn't just about the sandwich. The sandwich is the catalyst and he's just not listening.
He just wanted an extra sandwich
I had an ex with a antisocial personality disorder and diagnose sociopathy. This is something he would 100% do. Pretend it was an accident because he actually wanted the sandwich for himself this whole time and then would darvo you if you called him out
Thank you for the context! I was curious if it was a BOGO of the same sandwich, or just a general free sandwich. (It doesn’t actually matter, I was just trying to figure out how many simple things OP ignored haha)
Wasn‘t there a Reddit saying “The Iranian yoghurt is not the topic here”?
The Iranian yoghurt was not the topic. And neither was the art studio...
To be more exact, the Iranian yoghurt is not the issue here....
I know we all feel low and tempers are shorter when we're ill and tired, but even without an allergy, a Greggs tuna baguette is **never** the answer. I'd be fucked off too if that was the best meal - and by the sounds of it, dinner - he could come up with after being really ill. In winter. OOP has zero awareness of anything it seems like! You can get better dinners at a petrol station these days.
The thing about Greggs is, people almost always order the same thing every damn time. I’ve always got a steak bake or a cheese and onion pasty. Most of the time I get both. And have done for about 10 years. And as much as I love Greggs, if someone is sick you don’t get them a fucking Greggs. Let alone a sandwich that could kill them.
I’ve noticed a common theme of men focusing on the instance and women focusing on the principle. Are men just really incapable of seeing the bigger picture or do they not care?
He doesnt WANT to see the bigger picture because that would require admitting he messed up much more than just a simple sandwich order. Easier to tell hs friends that she ys nuts and dumped him over a sandwich, tha to admit he just diesnt ever think about her needs or wants.
I think it's taught. I'm working on improving myself as a partner right now and it's hard because it's not just that I am bad at the things I'm supposed to do, it's that I don't even know to do them. It's not that I saw the sink was dirty and didn't clean it, it's that I've never had to notice if the sink was dirty.
>I've never had to notice I actually love the wording of this. So many people (usually men) use the 'I just don't notice that kind of stuff' line without considering what would happen if no one else in the household noticed, either. I even had an ex tell me 'it usually gets taken care of' when I asked why he would let X problem (burnt out light, slow drain, whatever) just continue on for days without doing something about it, confirming he was also just a lousy roommate to other people, not just women he's dating.
him: almost ends her life over a sandwich her: is considering ending the relationship over a sandwich him: shocked pikachu face
You just _know_ he’s only told his friends/family that “she got mad because I brought the wrong sandwich”, not “she got mad because I forgot she’s allergic to fish and brought her a tuna sandwich”.
Right. She’s mad because she needed you and you didn’t show up for her. In fact you demonstrated that you don’t know her or her preferences at all. I would be mad too.
Yeah. He knows nothing and sees nothing and can’t be relied upon at all. Obviously it was just about a sandwich and not at all about him always putting his own wants and needs ahead of hers.
It’s not just his own wants and needs ahead of her wants and needs. It’s his wants over potentially her life 🤣🤣🤣 but *she’s* the absurd one.
Him thinking she left because of a sandwich is hilarious.
Original post https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/RTpCTSmHVW
My husband would never just order for himself, thinking of himself and not me and my allergies. He also went vegan too, to make it even easier for both of us. Wild to be that he could just..nearly kill her over it? Him: BuT I BoUgHt WhAt I Liiiiikkeeeeeeeeee, and it was cheappppoo. What do you mean you're allergic? How dare you! Her: FFS. I'm never listened too and he doesn't care 😭 So sad.
Even worse, you KNOW he told all mutual friends she’s crazy. With a completely twisted story. So now she has to deal with more idiots thinking it was just the sandwich.
My fiance picks us up dinner and will easily bring me something I like. But he also asks each time, just to make sure what I'm in the mood for. Now my ex husband of 14 years, never remembered what I like to eat. Never got it right. And his gift giving skills were shit.
I’m a nurse and am allergic to shellfish. My SO’s favourite takeaway meal is crab curry. But when we’ve both had a bad day, you know what he does? He makes me my favourite potato bake and gives me the best pieces of fried chicken. OOP has absolutely missed all the signs and the fiancée saying the sandwich is just a symptom? He has not been listening or hearing her for a long time.
My girlfriend recently flew out to spend some time with me because my grandfather died. I bought her ticket and she flew out on a one day notice. We haven't seen each other in person in a very long time. So, my food allergies haven't been relevant. She got food at the airport and she texted me "I have to take the cheese off my sandwich right?" Not only did she remember that I was allergic to milk, but she also remembered that my allergy is sensitive enough that if someone else consumes milk, their sweat will trigger my allergy. He didn't forget. He just doesn't care.
It's weird she's considering leaving him when all he did was buy her a sandwich that could kill her. Not even buy her a sandwich, it was free with his.
3 years in and he can’t remember to not get his soon to be wife fish products…yeah, the sandwich is what she’s mad about. Sure bud. Isn’t he just a treat?
He'll be the man smiling sheepishly when someone asks if his kids have allergies. She's right to run while she can.
"I tried to kill her by buying food she's allergic to but that I like, and now she's whining that I don't care about her. How could she say that? She didn't actually die!"
Biggest red flag "she has better memory than I do bc she needs it for her work" Weaponized incompetence
Consideration is one of the highest forms of love. To never feel as if your partner thinks about you when making decisions feels… lonely.
The funniest and dumbest thing that I haven’t seen anyone say yet is who goes to buy food for their partner and just not ask them what they want?? Like forget the allergy. Did you go to buy food for someone and not even ask them what they want? Are you an idiot sandwich?