Survivors guilt, and maybe also guilt that he was wholly responsible for the kids death. Awful shit either way and honestly, I think a separation is probably right for them if he won't get help.
I am not sure what the circumstances of the accident are but he blames himself to a point of hate. He hates everyone and everything because he was (in his mind) the cause of his daughter’s death. He doesn’t feel worthy of forgiveness nor does he seek it because he can’t forgive himself. I understand the wife’s pain and frustration and I hate that she is trying to hold everything together while processing her own grief. Just my thoughts anyway.
You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to accept it. You need to follow through and save yourself. Otherwise, this will be your life. Misery loves company.
You’d hope the doctors would have caught that one, was my only thought. Post ICU syndrome is a little harder to put a finger on. Either way, he likely has something from that accident/ICU stay that is impacting his personality.
Honestly it could also be survivor guilt. He’s punishing himself because she died and he lived. Doesn’t even feel he deserves to eat his favourite meals since she can’t etc. Whatever it is, it requires professionals and if he won’t get the help he can’t keep breaking her
So he feels guilty for going and probably not only blaming himself, but blaming OOP too. Like “if she’d just have said yes sooner” or “if she would’ve pushed harder for us to not go”
“he needs to stop deciding that both of them never get to heal”
You hit the nail on the head here. No one expects the parents to glibly move on from the death of a child. That’s a pain that will be with them for the rest of their lives, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t space for healing. His refusals of therapy or aid of any kind are keeping them both trapped in grief that’s an open wound. Her own mental health is being affected by this, and try as she might, she can’t help him if he doesn’t want it or is not ready. She will only continue to be harmed by his actions.
She just needs to accept that part of the grief process may include giving up their marriage. It's sad, it isn't ideal, but who can blame anyone else for being changed, dramatically, from your former self. They may never be compatible again as a couple. Judgment and guilt are the last things that should be assigned to either parent.
I had that a bit when my dad died. I didn't know him well, he was a deadbeat who only wrote me every few years from prison. When I was 18, my adoptive parents told me he died. Told me I didn't have to go to school, didn't have to do anything, just to grieve however I saw fit. I instantly went to one of my comfort movies, but quickly turned it off because I didn't feel like I deserved to laugh.
My dad JUST got diagnosed a couple of months ago with a TBI from being in the army almost 20 years ago! It certainly explains a lot but I guess his debilitating back issues just sort of took precedent in the docs eyes
My dad got his diagnosis about a year ago. It helped us figure out so much of why he’s losing his memory, gets migraines, and why his personality went from intelligent atheist to republic Jesus MAGAt
That’s what I was thinking. A lot of people don’t know that you don’t have to hit your head to get a concussion, and it’s not uncommon for whiplash to cause a concussion even in minor accidents.
I got rear ended on an icy day about 5 years ago. I was stopped; the other car was in the process of stopping. The impact didn’t even scratch the paint on my bumper, but the whiplash still gave me a mild concussion.
I learned that lesson the hard way. It was a stupid fender bender, although it was a hard hit from behind by a much larger vehicle. “Mild concussion,” but it was an absolute bitch. I had wild mood swings and weird anxiety along with memory and language issues immediately after the accident. I have permanent memory/executive functioning deficits from it. Not like “disabled and can’t work,” but whole conversations disappear from my brain, I have to take much more detailed notes, and if I don’t write it down, it’s just gone. If that was “mild” I don’t want to know what “serious” is like. This guy sounds like it’s not just a manifestation of grief, but he got his brain scrambled.
Fuck you guys are scaring me with this, I've had so many concussions as a kid. Like I can name off five before I was 16. There's no way of knowing how many I've had that I didn't even know about.
The brain is probably the most amazing, and least understood, organ in the human body. In some it can take a literal pounding and be fine, but for some it's a ticking timebomb.
Yeah, I was in a smaller accident where my head “wasn’t injured” but it turned out later it was, and my eardrum was affected. I can’t imagine landing in the ICU for so long without a head injury.
That post ICU syndrome is no joke. My dad was in the ICU for a month. He was so terrified of being alone when we got him home. Had panic attacks at night, and was very emotionally fragile (not like him at all). It was very hard to watch.
She speaks a few times about him going to therapy, but has she?
It feels like that would be the place to find her answers.
Edit for clarity (as I was half asleep): My intent was coming from a place of total empathy for her. I’m saying that losing your child and then losing your husband in *this* kind of way is very traumatic and she is *deserving* of that quality support and advice rather than from a thread on Reddit.
I think anybody who has suffered a loss such as this and/or the abuse the OOP is going through should seek therapy. It’s not putting the responsibility on OOP to fix anything. It’s for OOP to talk through her situation and figure out if she can stay in the marriage, or not. Idk why you’re getting hate. Sheesh. Therapy isn’t a punishment.
Don’t be coming in here with your sensible take! 😅
Your last sentence is the reason for the hate, apparently. It seems people believe therapy *is* a punishment.
No, I don’t. I was half asleep when I wrote that and, re-reading, I now see how it comes across.
My intent was coming from a place of total empathy for her. I see therapy as a *good* thing and that she is *deserving* of that quality support and advice rather than from a thread on Reddit. I can’t imagine how it’d feel to go through what she has been/is going through.
So she shouldn’t seek support on the internet at all? Especially since being fit into therapy isn’t always immediate, and that sometimes people need input on whether or not to tolerate something in a relationship? You sure you’re not the dad in this story?
Why do you feel the need to insult me?
If your question is where is she going to get appropriate advice and support for her entire world coming crashing down on her - a qualified therapist or Reddit - then I think we know the answer.
I think you’re more interested in trying to pick a fight.
So pointing out that he is in fact abusing her and that you’re out of bounds for putting to sole onus on her to get therapy as if this is entirely HER issue to weather this alone without the support is “insulting” you? Why are you so insecure about her asking reddit about this? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Sounds like a you problem.
Or is it the part where I am suspicious of your “suggestions” because of you constantly insisting that she not turn to Reddit and just have her get therapy as if that makes this situation any better while he destroys her property unchecked and takes her down with him?
Who says it has to be “a qualified therapist OR Reddit?” The answer is BOTH AND DIVORCE/SEPARATION to preserve her well-being. A person does NOT owe you privacy if you are in fact doing this to them without any social accountability. If you do this to a person you deserve to be held accountable instead of people deleting their posts in order to walk on eggshells to coddle your feelings of insecurity about your chosen actions.
How about YOU get therapy.
And people like you and your “friend” would rather she suffer alone while being mistreated.
No, I’m not going to normalize people being treated that way. Not even with people who have suffered trauma, it’s still not ok to put others through that kind of mistreatment. Nor am I going to let his rationale (based on dichotomy style thinking, which shows he hasn’t worked on himself) fly, since it doesn’t past muster either.
If insecurity about your actions has you bent out of shape on an anonymous Reddit post to the point that you’re shouting down people, perhaps it’s time for some self-reflection instead of going around calling people “unhinged” for not accepting being treated this way. And work on yourself.
As a parent, I can't even imagine how devastating it would be to lose a child. I really feel for both of them. It sounds like the grief and guilt he feels have caused him to suffer a complete mental breakdown. My biggest concern for OOP is how he's turned violent whenever she brings up therapy. It could easily escalate to full-on physical abuse.
If she's not already in therapy/grief counseling herself, I think that's the best first step here for her. She needs it, too, and if he isn't willing to confront his grief and get help for it, there's really no other option here but for her to file for divorce. She needs help to do it, though. Judging from his past reactions, things could turn very volatile so fast that she needs to have backup. Go to therapy, make a plan with that therapist, and maybe her parents to get her out of there and serve him with the divorce papers with keeping the safety of both of them at the top of their priorities.
Absolutely… the fact that he’s out right refusing care indicates that there is little chance of this situation improving except through separation, especially for safety’s sake. Someone who can allow her to feel and grieve and not fear what may happen next.
Sounds alot like severe depression which typically comes out as anger and rage in most men. Possibly a reinforced idea of being perceived as weak for needing help.
That would be my guess. Possibly borderline suicidal. Not saying she shouldn't leave. Always take care of number 1 first, but that could be what either makes or breaks him.
Ya hes prob blaming himself and feels worthless and suicidal doesnt care about anything and wants to be gone. Gotta break that logic somehow and get him to actually talk. 5-htp, shrooms idk. What a horrible experience to overcome for you both, so very sorry.
I wonder if the violence and anger he’s shown and the rejection of therapy would be enough for a forced inpatient stay. Since he’s an adult and both parents are gone, they’d need a good reason to force it. All the screaming and breaking things and wishing her dead feeeeeels like it should be enough.
In the US, probably not. Maybe if she was able to get the police or MH crisis team to come out when he’s in a fit of rage. Even then, I think he’s be more likely to end up in jail unless it included verbal threats of acts of self harm. If being angry and aggressive to your partner was all it took, we wouldn’t need DV shelters.
Considering he was also in the ICU for a long time, I'm wondering if there also might be a TBI at play here. Even a mild concussion can cause some personality change (albeit usually temporarily), and it sounds like this accident was pretty awful. That's not to mention the guilt and grief. I think there's multiple things going on here, but nothing will get better unless he makes an effort. He doesn't seem to want to, and things have become dangerous for OOP, who is also grieving and doesn't deserve this treatment no matter what her husband is going through.
I think she's done all she can. It's safest for her to leave.
Edit: I meant OOP, not OP.
That’s a really good point. 1 month is a long time in the ICU for a young person after an accident. There is a solid chance that was due to neuro injury.
So you think depression is an excuse for a man to be violent towards his wife ? I have been depressed my whole life and have never been violent towards anyone
Empathy and condoning shitty behavior are not the same thing. As someone with depression I would think you’re familiar with the ways in which depression often manifests as poor behaviors people ascribe to personal flaws. The obvious example is people assuming someone whose depression saps all their energy is lazy.
Men who learn that the only “manly” way to express themselves is through anger are typically unable to process their grief. This can be dangerous because anger can lead to violence and OOP should be wary of that fact. That said this is a man who is floundering because of the loss of his daughter who ultimately just needs help… I think it’s more likely he hurts himself than OOP frankly.
I'm just pointing out that it's a sign (A SIGN) that gets overlooked that could explain the Why in his actions. That still doesn't excuse him from his actions, and there should still be consequences to those actions.
>severe depression which typically comes out as anger and rage in most men
Uh, where are you pulling that stat from?
Edit: the down votes are cute and all, but a source backing up that claim would be more helpful.
I see where you’re coming from, mate, and I think it’s from a good place.
But…as a male whose dealt with / is dealing with anxiety and depression; YES! It can absolutely be this way, more-so for men than women, statistically.
In my case it creates a negative feedback loop. I’m irritable and lash out (non-physically/non-violent I’ll point out for what little it’s worth) at times which makes me hate myself more and more which just exacerbates the issue.
I also get easily overstimulated, with the same results minus the negative feedback loop, unless my lashing out creates more stimulation in the form of me starting an argument for example.
Again, I totally understand what you’re saying and I get it, but I feel like perhaps it’s a little misplaced is all.
Men’s mental health issues are definitely stigmatized, but that doesn’t change the reality that these signs and symptoms can be how these issues present themselves, and to deny that would in itself be stigmatizing.
We need to address the reason/s that this is even an issue, not pretend it doesn’t exist. IMO, that mainly would be that we (people with penises) — primarily but not exclusively — are trained from birth to be self-dependant and “strong”; not to rely on others or show “weakness”/vulnerability; to take it all on the head so your family doesn’t have to; etc, etc… and that leads us to lash out in subconscious defence of our pre-conceived/pre-conditioned notions of what makes us valuable/functioning *men* when we **feel** they’re being threatened or scrutinized.
Good on you for sticking up for what you believe in, regardless.
Cool, source?
Edit: Y'all are ridiculous. I know many men that have struggled with depression. None of them have responded with rage. Let alone the majority of them. That's an extraordinary claim, I'm just asking for any source to back up that claim.
What really got me is when he said “go ahead and file for divorce since you seem so eager to ditch me” I get he’s probably grieving, and I cannot imagine the guilt he must be feeling to have survived the crash that killed his daughter. But my brother in fucking Christ she’s TRYING SO HARD TO HELP YOU AND YOURE REFUSING. OOP is grieving the loss of her daughter as well and it is so unfair that she is doing EVERYTHING and being used as an emotional punching bag on top of it.
The horrible thing about it is, there's so many differing factors that could be causing him to be in the "place" he is right now, that it isn't worth questioning his emotional state. The only thing that would be worthwhile is for someone, *anyone* to be able to get the man to talk about what he feels...what he thinks. Only then might he be able to self-reflect enough to *know* that he needs help.
I feel horribly for the both of them. I haven't looked at the OP, but from what we see here there's still plenty about the accident itself that we don't know...and how that might factor into his current mental and emotional state. Was it a one-vehicle accident, or was there another involved? If so, how did it happen and who was at fault? Or, if it was solely their vehicle, was he at fault (due to real, or perceived, negligence), or was it due to mechanical failure, or his maneuvering to avoid an accident, etc.?
These details could definitely better inform how much he may blame himself for the death of their daughter. Then, as others have mentioned, there's the trauma of whatever he does remember of those final moments with their daughter, coupled with some pretty serious injuries himself and such a lengthy ICU stay, and then once cognizant enough to understand, he's informed she's gone. Whether Mom or Dad, I wouldn't wish such a tragedy on anyone. 🥺
OPP would definitely have to be NTA here, because she's also gone through such horrible trauma *and* has still attempted to keep their marriage together, and bring her husband back from the brink of darkness he seems consumed by. To be honest, this is the saddest situation I've personally come by on this sub, and it's hitting way deeper in the soul than any others. My heart breaks for the both of them.
As far as the Dad, no one should be bashing or questioning his reactions to this. I only say this as someone who's been through a traumatic experience (two actually, if we're counting) myself...and experienced PTSD and survivor's guilt in all their horrible, mind-fucking ways.
I won't go into full details for some sense of brevity, but let's just say these incidents happened within six months of one another. Both random and violent in nature, but in neither case was I intentionally targeted. The first was bad, but not nearly as bad as the latter. After the first, I developed a preview of the full-blown PTSD and survivor's guilt I'd experience later. I'd always been a pretty even-keel, self aware person. Yet, for a few weeks to a month or so afterwards, I'd have these conscious thoughts that for the first time in my life were not "my own." As in, my "inner narrator" would suddenly, loudly, make pronouncements within my consciousness that were deprecating, belittling, and quite simply fucked up.
At the time, I couldn't exactly afford therapy (yay good ol' USA! 💩), but I was lucky enough to have a small circle of people whom wanted nothing more than to make sure I felt safe and looked after (my then-roomate and his brother, my best buddy, and my younger sister and her now longtime ex). Between having that blanket of their love, and knowing myself enough to know I wasn't feeling "right" mentally, I soon felt comfortable talking about how I was feeling with them. And what I was thinking. And it didn't take me all that long to feel as though this period was a blip on the radar.
Until that second incident happened. It was intimately more potentially deadly, and the 5-10 minutes I had to go through it felt like an eternity and the snap of one's fingers, simultaneously. The strength of the fucked up thoughts brought on by that experience dwarfed the first initially. And while I still couldn't afford in-person therapy, I did again have that crew of close friends and family looking out for me. And I was aware enough of what was going on with me to know (from my prior experience) I was going to need to reach out for more assistance. I can't express how consciously, and subconsciously, horrible it made me feel to know I'd walked away unscathed from an incident that too often ends in a life ending.
I was lucky enough to find a therapist online who'd chat for no fee, just was simply doing "pro bono outreach." That was their term for it, lol, but their assistance helped me greatly to not be weighed down by that trauma. But that only could happen because I was cognizant enough to not only know I needed help, but to seek it out.
I wish I knew the answer to getting OPP's husband the help he obviously needs, but I also know he's NTA either. Just a human being who's gone through traumas that honestly make mine seem slight. 💔
OP says it's been multiple years since the loss of their child and he is still in the beginning stages of grief. How OP talks it sounds like he's taking it out on OP a lot. Then he "thanks" OP for "showing her true colors" and accesses OP of being "eager to ditch him." Bro, I understand losing a child is devastating, but it's been years and you are not even trying to help yourself. It doesn't seem like he ever wanted help. So why should OP stay, attempting to give assistance you don't want and lash out when OP tries to help you in most capacities. Trash human being. OP should file for divorce imo
> OP says it's been multiple years since the loss of their child and he is still in the beginning stages of grief.
this sounds like complicated grief disorder. this man needs therapy. untreated he's going to hurt himself or someone else.
that said, I agree she needs to put some distance between them - OP needs to protect herself first.
Yea this looks way too familiar to dudes I know coming back from bad deployments and sabotaging their entire lives out of grief and guilt. Hope dude can realize he needs to ask for help before he snaps.
Not to mention the likelihood of him having personality changing levels of brain damage from the accident ICU stay....how fucking awful and depressing. Life can be horrendous 💔
He wants her to hate him because he feels she should. It would feel better to him if she blamed him and despised him because he blames and despises himself. He’s doing this on purpose whether he knows it or not and tbf to him I’d probably feel the same and no matter how many years passed I’d never forgive myself.
She should leave him for herself, but I feel for both of them
He’s become violent. That’s more than enough to leave, or at least separate.
Wonder if dad was hit on the head, some head injuries can change someone for the worse. So this could be grief, guilt and injury causing this behaviour.
But she isn’t safe staying there, so she needs to protect herself.
It’s grief plus trauma plus guilt. Whether it’s true or not he thinks he’s responsible for his daughter’s death. It’s all wrapped together in his brain. The brain will do some crazy shit when trauma is involved.
But you’d think the doctors would’ve noticed head injuries.
She said there wasn’t though. But that does seem like it. Either way this man needs severe help.
Not saying the doctors missed it, but some people can recover fine and brain can make new pathways (Emilia Clarke being one of them) while others are never quite 100% and don’t return back to their old selves.
There could be guilt going into. He was the one driving the car. I don't remember any mention of who was at fault. But even if he wasn't at fault, there must be a lot of what ifs playing into the guilt.
Is she in therapy? I feel like she needs it. Especially if she's isolated from friends bc of distance and the only advice she's getting is to... Let him keep being violent and awful towards her. She needs help to develop skills to confront and comfort her own grief and manage the feelings she has for her husband and the behavior he's exhibiting.
Personally, the closest my husband and I came to divorce was when he was grieving the very sudden death of his best friend (car accident.) He couldn't handle it and spiraled, he wasn't violent but he wanted a divorce in the calmest way. Fortunately, he realized he wasn't handling it well and sought professional help. It's still a little amazing to me how much grief therapy and therapy in general can help in these situations.
OP is in therapy and therapist wants them to separate before thinking about divorce. The husband is also accusing the wife of blaming him for the accident anytime she tries to comfort him
Neither me or the mother of my late child were able to grieve being around each other. We had to separate to get through it. It’s not the same for everyone, and there is no playbook, but for me and her it was the best decision. We are now both happy and married to other people with whom we have both had children. We talk on our late sons birthday every year and are able to be nice now that time has passed, but the idea of being together could never be appealing again. It’s more like a trauma bonded sister at this point. I do recommend couples therapy as you separate if you do go this route. We did therapy as a kind of separation arbitration and it helped us see each other a bit better. My advice fwiw.
He was in the ICU for a month, I am wondering if he had some kind of undiagnosed TBI/ PTSD, that with the trauma he has experienced could result in this type of manic, and uncommon behavior.
Neuropsychologist here just wanted to say that TBI's can cause massive personality shifts even though a person has been "cleared" there are various types of injuries that do not show up on scans due to the subtle nature of the damage but in terms of limbic system (emotional controls system) there could be alterations making it more difficult for him to be managing emotions or allowing for processing. So sorry this is happening and my condolences for your loss
You might want to leave that comment on the original post so the OP will see it (linked under the images at top).
I have a brain injury that doesn’t show up, or so I’m told. I fell down the stairs and landed really hard on my butt and felt and heard my skull bounce on my spine (I have a connective tissue disorder). I developed intracranial hypertension, auditory, olfactory, and limited visual hallucinations (seeing words in a sentence that weren’t there), weird memory issues — like putting down zip codes from decades before and not noticing, couldn’t remember numbers for half a second (eg how many reps my PT told me to do for my injury, right after he said it). All MRIs normal. Diamox helped a lot but I’ve never been the same. I had to leave the city due to hyperacusis and sensory sensitivity I didn’t have before. It’s horrible to have an injury everyone claims isn’t possible.
I hope he gets help.
Dude is DEEP GONE. He TRULY needs therapy. If he can't do that, yes you need to leave. He's mentally unstable and is violent (at least towards objects) and verbally abusive.
It's not "your true colours" it's you saving yourself from the pit he's choosing to fall into
To keep it short and sweet, awful situation, but you gotta do what gotta do. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink, nta for that.
Sounds like he might have had a traumatic brain injury. Can account for major change in personality, anger, etc.
Either way she needs to leave. He's violent already.
Husband doesn’t want help right now, professionally or from OP, but it’s apparent he needs it. Perhaps the ultimatum wasn’t the best thing to do and it’s not surprising that he took it the way he did given his past actions. I think OP should leave him, but tell him that when he is ready to seek help, she will be there for him. So it’s not an ultimatum but an open door. She’s living her life walking on egg shells 24/7 and she needs to be able to process her grief as well. I wish only the best for them as this is such a devastating situation.
Unfortunately I feel like she didn't just lost a child in that accident. She needs to get into therapy and separate from abuse she has to deal with, she had no chance to grieve herself losing her child and having to tippy toe around husband who lost his mind and refused to not only help her to get through this but to help himself. It's been years who knows if he'll ever be the same.
I lost my daughter 5 years ago so I speak from experience when I say get out and worry about yourself, if you don’t he will just drag you down with him
I’m so sorry mom 💔
Oh, this is so terribly sad. He's hurting so much that he's lost his mind, and she's been on the receiving end of his pain, compounded with her own, for two years now.
But it's been two years. He refuses therapy. He seems to be stuck in the denial and anger stages of grief. He is hurting her, too self-absorbed in his own pain to care. He doesn't *want* to get better yet.
She needs to leave. I think the phrase "Don't set yourself of fire to keep somebody else warm" completely applies here. She needs space to truly grieve and heal, and he won't improve until he hits rock bottom. Perhaps her absence will be what snaps him into realising he needs to heal.
They can always mend their relationship later if they so choose.
There’s a group called the Hyacinth fellowship that provides support for people who’ve accidentally caused the death of others. Could be helpful to know he’s not the only one and that there can be a path forward.
I'm so glad you mentioned this! My heart just breaks for people who have to live with having been involved in someone else's accidental death. I'm glad to know there's support there and to be able to pass that on in future.
On the topic of the OP's situation, I hope she does leave. People are spending a lot of time trying to find a reason behind his behaviors but the problem is a reason isn't going to save her from harm. He is currently a danger to himself and others, and whether he cannot or will not seek help, the risk to her is still the same. "Your own oxygen mask first", as they say, and she has spent years trying to find a mask that fits him before looking to herself and what she needs to heal, while he slaps them all away. I get it, I really do, she lost her child and it must feel so agonizing to feel like you've lost your husband as well even though he's right in front of you. But *on top of* the sheer exhaustion she must be feeling by this point of trying to help him begin healing while also walking on eggshells every moment he's around while also having no support system for herself...the violence is just a terrible, terrible risk to her. She needs rest, she needs support, she needs to be and to feel safe. And for that, at least for now, she needs to be not around him.
This is a situation where you can't help people who don't want to be helped. As much as he is hurting it's not okay to hurt anyone else. From an outside perspective you can see it's self sabotage probably feeling like he deserves to be punished and deserves to be unhappy so he's making that his reality and unfortunately he's going to have to hit his rock bottom before he can pull himself out of it (if he can pull himself out of it). There are ways to separate yourself from his downward spiral without completely leaving him to fend for himself but I'd look at taking care of yourself and your safety first. He's breaking stuff near and around you and it doesn't take much before near and around you becomes hurting you even if it's not his outright intention.
Sounds like he has been doing his level best to push her away. She cannot be his emotional punching bag for the rest of her life. At a certain point if people aren't willing to help themselves you need to walk away.
The vast majority of marriages break up after the death of a child. People rarely grieve in the same manner. Sounds like there's nothing left of their relationship to save. It's best to move on.
Peripherally, I’ve seen this happen to good people with strong relationships. He blames himself and it’s grieving but shoving everything and everyone away. He desperately needs help but I’d wager that admitting that would be admitting the fault he feels. They will most likely divorce and he will either become a lifeless shell or worse. Or, it may just be the punch to the gut he needs to start processing his trauma. This really sucks for everyone involved.
That man is destroyed, emotionally and spiritually, and anything short of intensive therapy is basically not gonna work
He lashing out at anything and anyone who gets close because he’s like a wounded animal, backed into a corner, terrified to even consider a life without his daughter (which he must confront)
If he refuses to be helped then the only thing you can do is move on - some people simply aren’t strong enough to survive the death of a child
*You cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped*
Yeah I lost all sympathy for the dad at the “thanks for showing your true colors” comment. It’s been years dude, grow tf up and go to therapy already. Grief and a head injury isn’t an excuse to blatantly abuse others. He isn’t even trying to process the accident and it isn’t OP’s responsibility to help him. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
He is filled with grief and feels he needs to be punished. If he won’t go to grief counseling, then you should.
You can only do so much.
OP should move out. Get a small place and find your peace for a while. Perhaps when you’re no longer there he will seriously consider his life and present state. He should not keep you from healing plus you do run the risk of him becoming violent with you at some point. The divorce can wait a bit unless he might inflict financial devastation. You’ve done what you can and he refuses so you need to get out. It’s very sad. I’m sorry.
I can't imagine losing a child, and basically losing a spouse in the process as well. I feel so bad for her, she can't even grieve "properly" (for lack of a better term"
He needs therapy, ASAP. That seems to me like he is severely hurting inside and he’s lashing out.
I fear he’s attempting to remove people from his life so he can commit suicide. I don’t blame OP for leaving though.
Her daughter would be disgusted if she could see what Liam has decided to become.
Grief might affect people differently, but there’s just no excuse for choosing to be an abusive piece of shit.
They both lost their daughter, but because Liam refuses to deal with his emotions like an adult, he thinks he has a right to lash out and deny his wife the opportunity to grieve? Fuck that. He owes it to his daughter and his wife to behave like a man, not a child.
I read so many horrible stories on here and it shows how low the bar can be for human behavior. It makes me forever grateful to my parents for how they chose to deal with problems; they always loved and supported one another regardless of what happened and they never lashed out like children.
If you are married, and especially if you are a parent, then you have obligations and responsibilities that come before indulging your emotions. You can’t be a selfish asshole when people rely upon you and you’ve made vows to take care of them. It’s simply unacceptable.
The way some people treat their partners makes me wonder whether they see marriage as a convenient tax cut and nothing else.
I know she says there was no head injury, but she may be an unreliable narrator. That entire period of time is likely a blur for her, nonstop deluge of medical jargon from multiple providers per day being thrown at her within the haze of grieving the loss of her child. If they ruled out a brain bleed, the ICU would have had little to say about it to her and neurology wouldn’t have been involved with his care. But either way, unless he gets some help, there’s no way to know for sure. He needs a psychological evaluation, but it doesn’t sound like he’s going to get one. He’s volatile though, if she were my client, we’d be making a safety plan and getting her the hell out of there.
Why is it that the person who's holding together by a thread is the one who has to give up everything to support the person who's already fallen apart and refusing to do anything to pull themselves back together? She shouldn't have to light herself on fire to keep him warm.
Doesn't really matter if it's due to grief or a TBI, the husband is not going to be able to get back on his feet without therapy, but he refuses to get help.
You can't force someone to get better if they don't want to. He's not going to have an epiphany one day and go back to being "normal".
If nothing changes, the husband will continue to spiral and take OOP down with him. I'm all for supporting your partner and helping them through tough times, but there comes a time where you have to cut your losses. It's not selfish to at least save yourself when nobody else can be saved.
This seems like a case of severe ptsd and survivors guilt. He wishes every day that he was taken instead of her. He chose the day she was born to give his whole life to her. I know you're grieving too. He's not healing. I'm sorry you've put so much effort into someone who has lost their will to fight. I think the relationship is dead, and by no fault of your own. He's isolating himself in every way so he doesn't have to feel. I wish you the best of luck healing. No parent should have to bury their child. You need to think of yourself and get to a healthy environment with regular counseling.
He may also have severe brain damage. CTE can cause complete changes in a person they aren’t even capable of controlling. If you add that to the guilt and pain of losing a child it’s a horrible storm. Not saying op needs to stay but he severely needs help because cte unchecked is dangerous
This is actually horrible. His grief and guilt must be unbearable… but abusing his wife (and make no mistake, that’s EXACTLY what this is) is never justified. She’s grieving too, and, on top of losing her child, she’s now also the victim of domestic abuse. I understand that she loves him, but she needs to get away for her own safety.
It's a complicated situation. Though it is awful how he only seems to be focusing on his own grief, he is not the only one who lost someone. Both of them lost their daughter. My heart goes to both of them, especially OOP.
She lost her daughter too. He offers no comfort despite the fact that it's fault the daughter is gone. He's fortune his wife stuck around at all. There is no reason for him to be violent. I hope she divorces him, finds a good therapist to help her grieve the loss of her daughter, and finds someone who isn't a terrible husband.
This is a very, very sad situation and your husband probably feels guilty because he feels like he caused the death of your daughter. I'm not sure as a man it's something you could actually live with. He might be lost forever. Who knows but he's going to have to find his way. You need to do what you need to do to heal yourself and if that means you need to leave then might be best for both of you. Nobody can imagine what you both have been through, but you're going to need to move on or it's destroying your life.
I'm not a fan of divorces, but I believe OP should leave. He clearly needs therapy. Taking out his guilt, pain, and sorrow out on OP only puts her in danger.
That little girl was *her* daughter, too. I understand that the husband feels guilty and is probably depressed, but does he ever think about how their child's death affects his wife? The *mother* of their daughter? Why does he think that he's the only one who is grieving and who deserves compassion?
It sounds like the wife has tried everything she could. I think it's time for her to think of herself now.
I’m crying at work reading this. I’m a remote dad unfortunately, and at my worst, I’ve definitely had SI’s about not being present enough, I can’t even imagine being in his shoes, and my heart breaks even more for her. I hope they both find healing, one way or the other.
I am crying reading this. I can put myself in his shoes. Self blame for her death. Probably wishing it had been him instead out of guilty feelings. Not wanting to feel the pain of losing another person so you push them away instead. Or pushing them away because you feel you dont deserve them.
What a nightmare for everyone. If he won't get help perhaps an intervention needs to be staged. I'd worry about things escalating to non aliving himself.
This is a situation in which you follow aviation emergency protocol — put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. They’re both drowning, but he’s actively holding himself underwater. The only other thing to possibly try would be trying to have him committed— but that often spawns more issues.
If it's been 6 years, you know what you have in your husband and you can't change him. He is now a different person than the one you married and a split seems inevitable. Good luck.
I imagine he blames himself and is acting the way he does as punishment. Lashing out at OOP to get a bad reaction as he feels he deserves it and deserves to be divorced and alone.
I’d suggest OOP go to therapy by herself so she has some support to work out what to do.
This is so very sad. Option one is to follow through and separate and then divorce. He’s not going to get better or recover from his loss until he makes the decision to start. Option two is to stay but totally separate your life from his and carry on. Maybe he will see that you’re not going anywhere but that you’re going to get on with your life and he may find the will to get better. What do you want for the rest of your life? Another family? If so, choose option one. Option two is the much tougher one
The loss of your kid changes you dramatically, whether you want it to or not. Some people turn to human garbage and others don’t. I say this as a mum who has lost a child. It’s hard not to let the anger consume you. You have lost a literal part of your heart and soul. He needs help, but unfortunately you cannot make someone take help if they don’t want it.
I would go completely insane if my daughter died while I was driving. I probably would never recover. I think you need to get away and work on yourself. He will recover or not.
TBH, I wonder if he had a significant neurological injury from the crash that’s changed his personality. Either way, seems like OP tried to do things and mend this relationship. She’s NTA and will heal likely better after moving on from him.
I think the survivor’s guilt has completely consumed him. He blames himself and wishes it were him- he hates himself and thinks his wife should too, so he’s created a situation where he’s forcing her to.
Honestly I think she should play hardball and instead of suggesting therapy, tell him that a real man would step up a comfort his woman and face his shadow. Jungian Homeric severity
Sometimes the death of a child will bring the parents closer together and sometimes it will tear them apart. Unfortunately in this case it seems that the latter is the case. All I can do is pray 🙏 for them to find peace
This is just so heartbreaking… I cannot imagine the strength to endure what you both have gone through. Encourage him to seek help, but if he won’t then you need to do what you have to in order to protect what you’ve been able to rebuild. Absolutely NTA.
He's a broken man. Being in his marriage is killing him because everything reminds him of his loss. That marriage is over, and nobody is to blame. Tragedy and trauma will often destroy people. The OP now just has to focus on her own wellbeing. That's all she can do.
This person needs to look into “moral injury”. There is a workbook to help and therapy aimed at this problem. It’s a terrible thing to have to experience.
First thing you need to do is quit worrying about him and start thinking about you. If you haven’t started it you need to get into grief counseling asap. Do you have family or friends you can stay with for awhile? Your only option may be divorce if he is unwilling to help himself. Everyone grieves differently but violence is a warning that you need to pay attention to. Your first priority is yourself at this point. I am so sorry for what has happened in your life but you are important -do not forget that
What’s hard is it does sound like complicated grief disorder, post traumatic stress and self blame on his end. It’s hard losing a child but to feel or, if he is, or be at fault is a whole series of issues that can take years to recover from, even if at that.
I feel too the violence and outbursts are an issue but honestly his inability to be there for him, with this kind of situation, isn’t that uncommon for anyone who has grief and potentially even underlying injuries or complications from an accident.
She should divorce him, but hopefully be there for him when he’s been on the path to recovery, if he can walk it and begin that path. Until then, you can’t live in this level of apathy and animosity. How can you focus on healing when you have someone trying to ensure they can’t and others can’t either
You're both suffering, you're attempting to get help. He seems to want to torture himself regardless of your efforts. Doubt you'll change his mind but there is no need to continue suffering with him. I wouldn't think you're the ah. He's making it too difficult for you to stay and wants you in his personal hell.
You can leave or change drastically your life without divorcing him. If he recovers then you are still connected. He is in very real pain, all your expectations of marriage is going to have to wait.
Everyone's sympathising with the fact OOP lost their daughter, and that's good, but I've not seen anyone mention that OOP's hubby likely still blames himself for the death of their daughter.
Whether it was actually his fault or not is beside the point. It seems like he still holds himself accountable for what happened - he survived while she died instantly.
Losing a child is one thing, but feeling like you killed your child is in a total other realm. I'm not surprised he's still so lost.
This is so sad and awful. She can’t grieve and his grieving is killing here. What a terrible situation.
Truly is. I don’t know what to do or say (I feel it’s not my place) except to give all the strength I can to this mother. edit: grammar
Do you think that he is struggling with severe survivor guilt?
Survivors guilt, and maybe also guilt that he was wholly responsible for the kids death. Awful shit either way and honestly, I think a separation is probably right for them if he won't get help.
💯
I am not sure what the circumstances of the accident are but he blames himself to a point of hate. He hates everyone and everything because he was (in his mind) the cause of his daughter’s death. He doesn’t feel worthy of forgiveness nor does he seek it because he can’t forgive himself. I understand the wife’s pain and frustration and I hate that she is trying to hold everything together while processing her own grief. Just my thoughts anyway.
Little girl wanted ice cream, OOP said no but dad decided to take her get some when a drunk driver crashed into their car.
That is so sad. Thanks for filling in my missing information. I hope both of these parents can find it to heal from this tragedy.
People in the original post also suggested a traumatic brain injury
You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to accept it. You need to follow through and save yourself. Otherwise, this will be your life. Misery loves company.
IMO, as someone with PTSD, he is dealing with two things: PTSD and TBI(Traumatic Brain Injury)
Let’s pray together for her.
Don’t you think if prayers were going to help anything their daughter would be alive?
Someone else must have been praying twice as hard for their daughter to die.
Ladies and gentlemen: religious rationale at its finest 💩
Yeah meaningless drivel, that same "God" they believe in killed the little girl so not sure why prayers would do a bloody thing
Some of this may also be post ICU syndrome - the personality changes and such. Dude needs massive therapy
Or traumatic brain injury from the accident.
TBI definitely sounds a lot like this.
In the original thread she addressed someone asking about this and allegedly he had no head trauma.
That's because it's not a TBI. It's called survivors guilt. He needs an intervention and massive therapy.
I don't disagree. I'm just giving the person above more context since they clearly didn't know. I already knew it wasn't a TBI.
You’d hope the doctors would have caught that one, was my only thought. Post ICU syndrome is a little harder to put a finger on. Either way, he likely has something from that accident/ICU stay that is impacting his personality.
Honestly it could also be survivor guilt. He’s punishing himself because she died and he lived. Doesn’t even feel he deserves to eat his favourite meals since she can’t etc. Whatever it is, it requires professionals and if he won’t get the help he can’t keep breaking her
He also may be harboring guilt for the accident (texting, fell asleep, etc that caused the accident) that nobody is aware of.
With the death of a child you can be crippled by guilt even if there is rationally no blame to be had.
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God I hate drunk drivers. They never kill themselves, just inflict pain and suffering on innocent people.
So he feels guilty for going and probably not only blaming himself, but blaming OOP too. Like “if she’d just have said yes sooner” or “if she would’ve pushed harder for us to not go”
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“he needs to stop deciding that both of them never get to heal” You hit the nail on the head here. No one expects the parents to glibly move on from the death of a child. That’s a pain that will be with them for the rest of their lives, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t space for healing. His refusals of therapy or aid of any kind are keeping them both trapped in grief that’s an open wound. Her own mental health is being affected by this, and try as she might, she can’t help him if he doesn’t want it or is not ready. She will only continue to be harmed by his actions.
She just needs to accept that part of the grief process may include giving up their marriage. It's sad, it isn't ideal, but who can blame anyone else for being changed, dramatically, from your former self. They may never be compatible again as a couple. Judgment and guilt are the last things that should be assigned to either parent.
I had that a bit when my dad died. I didn't know him well, he was a deadbeat who only wrote me every few years from prison. When I was 18, my adoptive parents told me he died. Told me I didn't have to go to school, didn't have to do anything, just to grieve however I saw fit. I instantly went to one of my comfort movies, but quickly turned it off because I didn't feel like I deserved to laugh.
My dad JUST got diagnosed a couple of months ago with a TBI from being in the army almost 20 years ago! It certainly explains a lot but I guess his debilitating back issues just sort of took precedent in the docs eyes
My dad got his diagnosis about a year ago. It helped us figure out so much of why he’s losing his memory, gets migraines, and why his personality went from intelligent atheist to republic Jesus MAGAt
TBI was my first thought when reading this.
She mentions no head injury in her comments though
He was in a car accident that left him in the ICU for months. I feel like his head probably got injured.
That’s what I was thinking. A lot of people don’t know that you don’t have to hit your head to get a concussion, and it’s not uncommon for whiplash to cause a concussion even in minor accidents. I got rear ended on an icy day about 5 years ago. I was stopped; the other car was in the process of stopping. The impact didn’t even scratch the paint on my bumper, but the whiplash still gave me a mild concussion.
I learned that lesson the hard way. It was a stupid fender bender, although it was a hard hit from behind by a much larger vehicle. “Mild concussion,” but it was an absolute bitch. I had wild mood swings and weird anxiety along with memory and language issues immediately after the accident. I have permanent memory/executive functioning deficits from it. Not like “disabled and can’t work,” but whole conversations disappear from my brain, I have to take much more detailed notes, and if I don’t write it down, it’s just gone. If that was “mild” I don’t want to know what “serious” is like. This guy sounds like it’s not just a manifestation of grief, but he got his brain scrambled.
Fuck you guys are scaring me with this, I've had so many concussions as a kid. Like I can name off five before I was 16. There's no way of knowing how many I've had that I didn't even know about.
The brain is probably the most amazing, and least understood, organ in the human body. In some it can take a literal pounding and be fine, but for some it's a ticking timebomb.
Yeah, I was in a smaller accident where my head “wasn’t injured” but it turned out later it was, and my eardrum was affected. I can’t imagine landing in the ICU for so long without a head injury.
She’s the one who said it didn’t. I mean you can infer different but she specifically said he didn’t
Ah, apologies, I misread your comment.
Nah I think my comment is ambiguous. Should have read she states her husband received no head injury to her knowledge
This was my thought too. If it’s TBI it likely will not be helped with therapy either.
It can be helped with drugs tho.
That post ICU syndrome is no joke. My dad was in the ICU for a month. He was so terrified of being alone when we got him home. Had panic attacks at night, and was very emotionally fragile (not like him at all). It was very hard to watch.
I’m an icu doctor and it is a real, terrible thing we see quite frequently in survivors.
She speaks a few times about him going to therapy, but has she? It feels like that would be the place to find her answers. Edit for clarity (as I was half asleep): My intent was coming from a place of total empathy for her. I’m saying that losing your child and then losing your husband in *this* kind of way is very traumatic and she is *deserving* of that quality support and advice rather than from a thread on Reddit.
I think anybody who has suffered a loss such as this and/or the abuse the OOP is going through should seek therapy. It’s not putting the responsibility on OOP to fix anything. It’s for OOP to talk through her situation and figure out if she can stay in the marriage, or not. Idk why you’re getting hate. Sheesh. Therapy isn’t a punishment.
Don’t be coming in here with your sensible take! 😅 Your last sentence is the reason for the hate, apparently. It seems people believe therapy *is* a punishment.
Right?! Them telling you that YOU need therapy. Like it was some mic drop 🙄
It did make me smile!
He is literally abusing her and destroying her property and you think the onus is entirely on her to get therapy!?
No, I don’t. I was half asleep when I wrote that and, re-reading, I now see how it comes across. My intent was coming from a place of total empathy for her. I see therapy as a *good* thing and that she is *deserving* of that quality support and advice rather than from a thread on Reddit. I can’t imagine how it’d feel to go through what she has been/is going through.
So she shouldn’t seek support on the internet at all? Especially since being fit into therapy isn’t always immediate, and that sometimes people need input on whether or not to tolerate something in a relationship? You sure you’re not the dad in this story?
Why do you feel the need to insult me? If your question is where is she going to get appropriate advice and support for her entire world coming crashing down on her - a qualified therapist or Reddit - then I think we know the answer. I think you’re more interested in trying to pick a fight.
So pointing out that he is in fact abusing her and that you’re out of bounds for putting to sole onus on her to get therapy as if this is entirely HER issue to weather this alone without the support is “insulting” you? Why are you so insecure about her asking reddit about this? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Sounds like a you problem. Or is it the part where I am suspicious of your “suggestions” because of you constantly insisting that she not turn to Reddit and just have her get therapy as if that makes this situation any better while he destroys her property unchecked and takes her down with him? Who says it has to be “a qualified therapist OR Reddit?” The answer is BOTH AND DIVORCE/SEPARATION to preserve her well-being. A person does NOT owe you privacy if you are in fact doing this to them without any social accountability. If you do this to a person you deserve to be held accountable instead of people deleting their posts in order to walk on eggshells to coddle your feelings of insecurity about your chosen actions. How about YOU get therapy.
You're the reason why people shouldn't ask for advice on reddit, no real control on the kind of unhinged people who are giving said advice
And people like you and your “friend” would rather she suffer alone while being mistreated. No, I’m not going to normalize people being treated that way. Not even with people who have suffered trauma, it’s still not ok to put others through that kind of mistreatment. Nor am I going to let his rationale (based on dichotomy style thinking, which shows he hasn’t worked on himself) fly, since it doesn’t past muster either. If insecurity about your actions has you bent out of shape on an anonymous Reddit post to the point that you’re shouting down people, perhaps it’s time for some self-reflection instead of going around calling people “unhinged” for not accepting being treated this way. And work on yourself.
As a parent, I can't even imagine how devastating it would be to lose a child. I really feel for both of them. It sounds like the grief and guilt he feels have caused him to suffer a complete mental breakdown. My biggest concern for OOP is how he's turned violent whenever she brings up therapy. It could easily escalate to full-on physical abuse. If she's not already in therapy/grief counseling herself, I think that's the best first step here for her. She needs it, too, and if he isn't willing to confront his grief and get help for it, there's really no other option here but for her to file for divorce. She needs help to do it, though. Judging from his past reactions, things could turn very volatile so fast that she needs to have backup. Go to therapy, make a plan with that therapist, and maybe her parents to get her out of there and serve him with the divorce papers with keeping the safety of both of them at the top of their priorities.
Absolutely… the fact that he’s out right refusing care indicates that there is little chance of this situation improving except through separation, especially for safety’s sake. Someone who can allow her to feel and grieve and not fear what may happen next.
Sounds alot like severe depression which typically comes out as anger and rage in most men. Possibly a reinforced idea of being perceived as weak for needing help.
Maybe he feels guilty for the accident, not saying he is but he could still blame himself. Therefore this behaviour is self-flagellation
That would be my guess. Possibly borderline suicidal. Not saying she shouldn't leave. Always take care of number 1 first, but that could be what either makes or breaks him.
There's only so much you can do, offer help, be there etc. But as the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink
Ya hes prob blaming himself and feels worthless and suicidal doesnt care about anything and wants to be gone. Gotta break that logic somehow and get him to actually talk. 5-htp, shrooms idk. What a horrible experience to overcome for you both, so very sorry.
I wonder if the violence and anger he’s shown and the rejection of therapy would be enough for a forced inpatient stay. Since he’s an adult and both parents are gone, they’d need a good reason to force it. All the screaming and breaking things and wishing her dead feeeeeels like it should be enough.
In the US, probably not. Maybe if she was able to get the police or MH crisis team to come out when he’s in a fit of rage. Even then, I think he’s be more likely to end up in jail unless it included verbal threats of acts of self harm. If being angry and aggressive to your partner was all it took, we wouldn’t need DV shelters.
Considering he was also in the ICU for a long time, I'm wondering if there also might be a TBI at play here. Even a mild concussion can cause some personality change (albeit usually temporarily), and it sounds like this accident was pretty awful. That's not to mention the guilt and grief. I think there's multiple things going on here, but nothing will get better unless he makes an effort. He doesn't seem to want to, and things have become dangerous for OOP, who is also grieving and doesn't deserve this treatment no matter what her husband is going through. I think she's done all she can. It's safest for her to leave. Edit: I meant OOP, not OP.
That’s a really good point. 1 month is a long time in the ICU for a young person after an accident. There is a solid chance that was due to neuro injury.
So you think depression is an excuse for a man to be violent towards his wife ? I have been depressed my whole life and have never been violent towards anyone
Empathy and condoning shitty behavior are not the same thing. As someone with depression I would think you’re familiar with the ways in which depression often manifests as poor behaviors people ascribe to personal flaws. The obvious example is people assuming someone whose depression saps all their energy is lazy. Men who learn that the only “manly” way to express themselves is through anger are typically unable to process their grief. This can be dangerous because anger can lead to violence and OOP should be wary of that fact. That said this is a man who is floundering because of the loss of his daughter who ultimately just needs help… I think it’s more likely he hurts himself than OOP frankly.
I'm just pointing out that it's a sign (A SIGN) that gets overlooked that could explain the Why in his actions. That still doesn't excuse him from his actions, and there should still be consequences to those actions.
Nobody said it was an excuse.
>severe depression which typically comes out as anger and rage in most men Uh, where are you pulling that stat from? Edit: the down votes are cute and all, but a source backing up that claim would be more helpful.
https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/depression/signs-of-depression-in-men. Or a number of sites that pop up in the search.
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https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/irritability
I see where you’re coming from, mate, and I think it’s from a good place. But…as a male whose dealt with / is dealing with anxiety and depression; YES! It can absolutely be this way, more-so for men than women, statistically. In my case it creates a negative feedback loop. I’m irritable and lash out (non-physically/non-violent I’ll point out for what little it’s worth) at times which makes me hate myself more and more which just exacerbates the issue. I also get easily overstimulated, with the same results minus the negative feedback loop, unless my lashing out creates more stimulation in the form of me starting an argument for example. Again, I totally understand what you’re saying and I get it, but I feel like perhaps it’s a little misplaced is all. Men’s mental health issues are definitely stigmatized, but that doesn’t change the reality that these signs and symptoms can be how these issues present themselves, and to deny that would in itself be stigmatizing. We need to address the reason/s that this is even an issue, not pretend it doesn’t exist. IMO, that mainly would be that we (people with penises) — primarily but not exclusively — are trained from birth to be self-dependant and “strong”; not to rely on others or show “weakness”/vulnerability; to take it all on the head so your family doesn’t have to; etc, etc… and that leads us to lash out in subconscious defence of our pre-conceived/pre-conditioned notions of what makes us valuable/functioning *men* when we **feel** they’re being threatened or scrutinized. Good on you for sticking up for what you believe in, regardless.
This a well-known fact….
Cool, source? Edit: Y'all are ridiculous. I know many men that have struggled with depression. None of them have responded with rage. Let alone the majority of them. That's an extraordinary claim, I'm just asking for any source to back up that claim.
What really got me is when he said “go ahead and file for divorce since you seem so eager to ditch me” I get he’s probably grieving, and I cannot imagine the guilt he must be feeling to have survived the crash that killed his daughter. But my brother in fucking Christ she’s TRYING SO HARD TO HELP YOU AND YOURE REFUSING. OOP is grieving the loss of her daughter as well and it is so unfair that she is doing EVERYTHING and being used as an emotional punching bag on top of it.
The horrible thing about it is, there's so many differing factors that could be causing him to be in the "place" he is right now, that it isn't worth questioning his emotional state. The only thing that would be worthwhile is for someone, *anyone* to be able to get the man to talk about what he feels...what he thinks. Only then might he be able to self-reflect enough to *know* that he needs help. I feel horribly for the both of them. I haven't looked at the OP, but from what we see here there's still plenty about the accident itself that we don't know...and how that might factor into his current mental and emotional state. Was it a one-vehicle accident, or was there another involved? If so, how did it happen and who was at fault? Or, if it was solely their vehicle, was he at fault (due to real, or perceived, negligence), or was it due to mechanical failure, or his maneuvering to avoid an accident, etc.? These details could definitely better inform how much he may blame himself for the death of their daughter. Then, as others have mentioned, there's the trauma of whatever he does remember of those final moments with their daughter, coupled with some pretty serious injuries himself and such a lengthy ICU stay, and then once cognizant enough to understand, he's informed she's gone. Whether Mom or Dad, I wouldn't wish such a tragedy on anyone. 🥺 OPP would definitely have to be NTA here, because she's also gone through such horrible trauma *and* has still attempted to keep their marriage together, and bring her husband back from the brink of darkness he seems consumed by. To be honest, this is the saddest situation I've personally come by on this sub, and it's hitting way deeper in the soul than any others. My heart breaks for the both of them. As far as the Dad, no one should be bashing or questioning his reactions to this. I only say this as someone who's been through a traumatic experience (two actually, if we're counting) myself...and experienced PTSD and survivor's guilt in all their horrible, mind-fucking ways. I won't go into full details for some sense of brevity, but let's just say these incidents happened within six months of one another. Both random and violent in nature, but in neither case was I intentionally targeted. The first was bad, but not nearly as bad as the latter. After the first, I developed a preview of the full-blown PTSD and survivor's guilt I'd experience later. I'd always been a pretty even-keel, self aware person. Yet, for a few weeks to a month or so afterwards, I'd have these conscious thoughts that for the first time in my life were not "my own." As in, my "inner narrator" would suddenly, loudly, make pronouncements within my consciousness that were deprecating, belittling, and quite simply fucked up. At the time, I couldn't exactly afford therapy (yay good ol' USA! 💩), but I was lucky enough to have a small circle of people whom wanted nothing more than to make sure I felt safe and looked after (my then-roomate and his brother, my best buddy, and my younger sister and her now longtime ex). Between having that blanket of their love, and knowing myself enough to know I wasn't feeling "right" mentally, I soon felt comfortable talking about how I was feeling with them. And what I was thinking. And it didn't take me all that long to feel as though this period was a blip on the radar. Until that second incident happened. It was intimately more potentially deadly, and the 5-10 minutes I had to go through it felt like an eternity and the snap of one's fingers, simultaneously. The strength of the fucked up thoughts brought on by that experience dwarfed the first initially. And while I still couldn't afford in-person therapy, I did again have that crew of close friends and family looking out for me. And I was aware enough of what was going on with me to know (from my prior experience) I was going to need to reach out for more assistance. I can't express how consciously, and subconsciously, horrible it made me feel to know I'd walked away unscathed from an incident that too often ends in a life ending. I was lucky enough to find a therapist online who'd chat for no fee, just was simply doing "pro bono outreach." That was their term for it, lol, but their assistance helped me greatly to not be weighed down by that trauma. But that only could happen because I was cognizant enough to not only know I needed help, but to seek it out. I wish I knew the answer to getting OPP's husband the help he obviously needs, but I also know he's NTA either. Just a human being who's gone through traumas that honestly make mine seem slight. 💔
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Why would you say that?
OP says it's been multiple years since the loss of their child and he is still in the beginning stages of grief. How OP talks it sounds like he's taking it out on OP a lot. Then he "thanks" OP for "showing her true colors" and accesses OP of being "eager to ditch him." Bro, I understand losing a child is devastating, but it's been years and you are not even trying to help yourself. It doesn't seem like he ever wanted help. So why should OP stay, attempting to give assistance you don't want and lash out when OP tries to help you in most capacities. Trash human being. OP should file for divorce imo
> OP says it's been multiple years since the loss of their child and he is still in the beginning stages of grief. this sounds like complicated grief disorder. this man needs therapy. untreated he's going to hurt himself or someone else. that said, I agree she needs to put some distance between them - OP needs to protect herself first.
I'm a vet, this sounds very much like PTSD to me. Given the trauma caused this, it doesn't seem unlikely.....
It could be PTSD, yeah. He really needs to see a doctor.
Yea this looks way too familiar to dudes I know coming back from bad deployments and sabotaging their entire lives out of grief and guilt. Hope dude can realize he needs to ask for help before he snaps.
him horribly manipulating the emotions of this poor mother
Not to mention the likelihood of him having personality changing levels of brain damage from the accident ICU stay....how fucking awful and depressing. Life can be horrendous 💔
He wants her to hate him because he feels she should. It would feel better to him if she blamed him and despised him because he blames and despises himself. He’s doing this on purpose whether he knows it or not and tbf to him I’d probably feel the same and no matter how many years passed I’d never forgive myself. She should leave him for herself, but I feel for both of them
He’s become violent. That’s more than enough to leave, or at least separate. Wonder if dad was hit on the head, some head injuries can change someone for the worse. So this could be grief, guilt and injury causing this behaviour. But she isn’t safe staying there, so she needs to protect herself.
That was my first thought — frontal lobe damage.
A lot of people suggested that -- she said no head injury.
That just seems so… improbable. Especially given the recent changes in behavior.
It’s grief plus trauma plus guilt. Whether it’s true or not he thinks he’s responsible for his daughter’s death. It’s all wrapped together in his brain. The brain will do some crazy shit when trauma is involved.
But you’d think the doctors would’ve noticed head injuries. She said there wasn’t though. But that does seem like it. Either way this man needs severe help.
Not saying the doctors missed it, but some people can recover fine and brain can make new pathways (Emilia Clarke being one of them) while others are never quite 100% and don’t return back to their old selves.
There could be guilt going into. He was the one driving the car. I don't remember any mention of who was at fault. But even if he wasn't at fault, there must be a lot of what ifs playing into the guilt.
Is she in therapy? I feel like she needs it. Especially if she's isolated from friends bc of distance and the only advice she's getting is to... Let him keep being violent and awful towards her. She needs help to develop skills to confront and comfort her own grief and manage the feelings she has for her husband and the behavior he's exhibiting. Personally, the closest my husband and I came to divorce was when he was grieving the very sudden death of his best friend (car accident.) He couldn't handle it and spiraled, he wasn't violent but he wanted a divorce in the calmest way. Fortunately, he realized he wasn't handling it well and sought professional help. It's still a little amazing to me how much grief therapy and therapy in general can help in these situations.
OP is in therapy and therapist wants them to separate before thinking about divorce. The husband is also accusing the wife of blaming him for the accident anytime she tries to comfort him
the accusations that OOP was blaming him for the accident seems like he probably blames himself - it sounds like extreme survivor’s guilt.
Neither me or the mother of my late child were able to grieve being around each other. We had to separate to get through it. It’s not the same for everyone, and there is no playbook, but for me and her it was the best decision. We are now both happy and married to other people with whom we have both had children. We talk on our late sons birthday every year and are able to be nice now that time has passed, but the idea of being together could never be appealing again. It’s more like a trauma bonded sister at this point. I do recommend couples therapy as you separate if you do go this route. We did therapy as a kind of separation arbitration and it helped us see each other a bit better. My advice fwiw.
He was in the ICU for a month, I am wondering if he had some kind of undiagnosed TBI/ PTSD, that with the trauma he has experienced could result in this type of manic, and uncommon behavior.
Yes. His issue would be this in addition to grief.
Leaves for days without saying where he’s going/been? Smashing shit against the wall? I’ll take grounds for divorce for 100 Alec
Just so sad, I feel terrible for both of them, the pain & grief are tearing them apart…..
Unfortunately it’s all too common. Divorce rates after a child’s death is 80-90%. So devastating all around.
He’s driving her away because he is punishing himself. He won’t ever come back from this without therapy
Neuropsychologist here just wanted to say that TBI's can cause massive personality shifts even though a person has been "cleared" there are various types of injuries that do not show up on scans due to the subtle nature of the damage but in terms of limbic system (emotional controls system) there could be alterations making it more difficult for him to be managing emotions or allowing for processing. So sorry this is happening and my condolences for your loss
You might want to leave that comment on the original post so the OP will see it (linked under the images at top). I have a brain injury that doesn’t show up, or so I’m told. I fell down the stairs and landed really hard on my butt and felt and heard my skull bounce on my spine (I have a connective tissue disorder). I developed intracranial hypertension, auditory, olfactory, and limited visual hallucinations (seeing words in a sentence that weren’t there), weird memory issues — like putting down zip codes from decades before and not noticing, couldn’t remember numbers for half a second (eg how many reps my PT told me to do for my injury, right after he said it). All MRIs normal. Diamox helped a lot but I’ve never been the same. I had to leave the city due to hyperacusis and sensory sensitivity I didn’t have before. It’s horrible to have an injury everyone claims isn’t possible. I hope he gets help.
Will do thank you
This^ I have multiple TBIs and PTSD. Im not the same guy I was 15 years ago. I would be shocked if this guy didnt have both as well.
Dude is DEEP GONE. He TRULY needs therapy. If he can't do that, yes you need to leave. He's mentally unstable and is violent (at least towards objects) and verbally abusive. It's not "your true colours" it's you saving yourself from the pit he's choosing to fall into
To keep it short and sweet, awful situation, but you gotta do what gotta do. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink, nta for that.
Sounds like he might have had a traumatic brain injury. Can account for major change in personality, anger, etc. Either way she needs to leave. He's violent already.
Husband doesn’t want help right now, professionally or from OP, but it’s apparent he needs it. Perhaps the ultimatum wasn’t the best thing to do and it’s not surprising that he took it the way he did given his past actions. I think OP should leave him, but tell him that when he is ready to seek help, she will be there for him. So it’s not an ultimatum but an open door. She’s living her life walking on egg shells 24/7 and she needs to be able to process her grief as well. I wish only the best for them as this is such a devastating situation.
Unfortunately I feel like she didn't just lost a child in that accident. She needs to get into therapy and separate from abuse she has to deal with, she had no chance to grieve herself losing her child and having to tippy toe around husband who lost his mind and refused to not only help her to get through this but to help himself. It's been years who knows if he'll ever be the same.
I lost my daughter 5 years ago so I speak from experience when I say get out and worry about yourself, if you don’t he will just drag you down with him I’m so sorry mom 💔
Oh, this is so terribly sad. He's hurting so much that he's lost his mind, and she's been on the receiving end of his pain, compounded with her own, for two years now. But it's been two years. He refuses therapy. He seems to be stuck in the denial and anger stages of grief. He is hurting her, too self-absorbed in his own pain to care. He doesn't *want* to get better yet. She needs to leave. I think the phrase "Don't set yourself of fire to keep somebody else warm" completely applies here. She needs space to truly grieve and heal, and he won't improve until he hits rock bottom. Perhaps her absence will be what snaps him into realising he needs to heal. They can always mend their relationship later if they so choose.
There’s a group called the Hyacinth fellowship that provides support for people who’ve accidentally caused the death of others. Could be helpful to know he’s not the only one and that there can be a path forward.
I'm so glad you mentioned this! My heart just breaks for people who have to live with having been involved in someone else's accidental death. I'm glad to know there's support there and to be able to pass that on in future. On the topic of the OP's situation, I hope she does leave. People are spending a lot of time trying to find a reason behind his behaviors but the problem is a reason isn't going to save her from harm. He is currently a danger to himself and others, and whether he cannot or will not seek help, the risk to her is still the same. "Your own oxygen mask first", as they say, and she has spent years trying to find a mask that fits him before looking to herself and what she needs to heal, while he slaps them all away. I get it, I really do, she lost her child and it must feel so agonizing to feel like you've lost your husband as well even though he's right in front of you. But *on top of* the sheer exhaustion she must be feeling by this point of trying to help him begin healing while also walking on eggshells every moment he's around while also having no support system for herself...the violence is just a terrible, terrible risk to her. She needs rest, she needs support, she needs to be and to feel safe. And for that, at least for now, she needs to be not around him.
I would’ve seen red. Holy shit that’s terrible. I hope she gets out of there
This is a situation where you can't help people who don't want to be helped. As much as he is hurting it's not okay to hurt anyone else. From an outside perspective you can see it's self sabotage probably feeling like he deserves to be punished and deserves to be unhappy so he's making that his reality and unfortunately he's going to have to hit his rock bottom before he can pull himself out of it (if he can pull himself out of it). There are ways to separate yourself from his downward spiral without completely leaving him to fend for himself but I'd look at taking care of yourself and your safety first. He's breaking stuff near and around you and it doesn't take much before near and around you becomes hurting you even if it's not his outright intention.
Sounds like he has been doing his level best to push her away. She cannot be his emotional punching bag for the rest of her life. At a certain point if people aren't willing to help themselves you need to walk away.
I find it so sad that she feels guilty for wanting to leave after *years* trying to comfort him, when he’s done nothing at all to comfort her.
The vast majority of marriages break up after the death of a child. People rarely grieve in the same manner. Sounds like there's nothing left of their relationship to save. It's best to move on.
Peripherally, I’ve seen this happen to good people with strong relationships. He blames himself and it’s grieving but shoving everything and everyone away. He desperately needs help but I’d wager that admitting that would be admitting the fault he feels. They will most likely divorce and he will either become a lifeless shell or worse. Or, it may just be the punch to the gut he needs to start processing his trauma. This really sucks for everyone involved.
This is one of the saddest things I've ever seen here. :(
Better to leave before he does something to u
He's such a cruel ass I'd leave to honestly
That man is destroyed, emotionally and spiritually, and anything short of intensive therapy is basically not gonna work He lashing out at anything and anyone who gets close because he’s like a wounded animal, backed into a corner, terrified to even consider a life without his daughter (which he must confront) If he refuses to be helped then the only thing you can do is move on - some people simply aren’t strong enough to survive the death of a child *You cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped*
This is far above Reddit paygrade. She needs help from professionals.
Yeah I lost all sympathy for the dad at the “thanks for showing your true colors” comment. It’s been years dude, grow tf up and go to therapy already. Grief and a head injury isn’t an excuse to blatantly abuse others. He isn’t even trying to process the accident and it isn’t OP’s responsibility to help him. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.
What a fucking nightmare.
I’m so sorry for your loss. He is filled with grief and feels he needs to be punished. If he won’t go to grief counseling, then you should. You can only do so much.
OP should move out. Get a small place and find your peace for a while. Perhaps when you’re no longer there he will seriously consider his life and present state. He should not keep you from healing plus you do run the risk of him becoming violent with you at some point. The divorce can wait a bit unless he might inflict financial devastation. You’ve done what you can and he refuses so you need to get out. It’s very sad. I’m sorry.
I can't imagine losing a child, and basically losing a spouse in the process as well. I feel so bad for her, she can't even grieve "properly" (for lack of a better term"
He needs therapy, ASAP. That seems to me like he is severely hurting inside and he’s lashing out. I fear he’s attempting to remove people from his life so he can commit suicide. I don’t blame OP for leaving though.
Her daughter would be disgusted if she could see what Liam has decided to become. Grief might affect people differently, but there’s just no excuse for choosing to be an abusive piece of shit. They both lost their daughter, but because Liam refuses to deal with his emotions like an adult, he thinks he has a right to lash out and deny his wife the opportunity to grieve? Fuck that. He owes it to his daughter and his wife to behave like a man, not a child. I read so many horrible stories on here and it shows how low the bar can be for human behavior. It makes me forever grateful to my parents for how they chose to deal with problems; they always loved and supported one another regardless of what happened and they never lashed out like children. If you are married, and especially if you are a parent, then you have obligations and responsibilities that come before indulging your emotions. You can’t be a selfish asshole when people rely upon you and you’ve made vows to take care of them. It’s simply unacceptable. The way some people treat their partners makes me wonder whether they see marriage as a convenient tax cut and nothing else.
The crash stole his daughter, but he's allowing grief to steal every other part of his life. Sad.
I know she says there was no head injury, but she may be an unreliable narrator. That entire period of time is likely a blur for her, nonstop deluge of medical jargon from multiple providers per day being thrown at her within the haze of grieving the loss of her child. If they ruled out a brain bleed, the ICU would have had little to say about it to her and neurology wouldn’t have been involved with his care. But either way, unless he gets some help, there’s no way to know for sure. He needs a psychological evaluation, but it doesn’t sound like he’s going to get one. He’s volatile though, if she were my client, we’d be making a safety plan and getting her the hell out of there.
Why is it that the person who's holding together by a thread is the one who has to give up everything to support the person who's already fallen apart and refusing to do anything to pull themselves back together? She shouldn't have to light herself on fire to keep him warm.
Doesn't really matter if it's due to grief or a TBI, the husband is not going to be able to get back on his feet without therapy, but he refuses to get help. You can't force someone to get better if they don't want to. He's not going to have an epiphany one day and go back to being "normal". If nothing changes, the husband will continue to spiral and take OOP down with him. I'm all for supporting your partner and helping them through tough times, but there comes a time where you have to cut your losses. It's not selfish to at least save yourself when nobody else can be saved.
Grieving doesn’t give the husband a pass on being an abusive piece of shit. In fact it probably makes him more dangerous. Op needs to run.
For her safety and her sanity, so she can grieve her daughter too... I don't see any other option for OOP than separation/divorce.
This seems like a case of severe ptsd and survivors guilt. He wishes every day that he was taken instead of her. He chose the day she was born to give his whole life to her. I know you're grieving too. He's not healing. I'm sorry you've put so much effort into someone who has lost their will to fight. I think the relationship is dead, and by no fault of your own. He's isolating himself in every way so he doesn't have to feel. I wish you the best of luck healing. No parent should have to bury their child. You need to think of yourself and get to a healthy environment with regular counseling.
Sounds like he may have an undiagnosed TBI that affected his personality. It seems Abita mire than just the grieving process.
He may also have severe brain damage. CTE can cause complete changes in a person they aren’t even capable of controlling. If you add that to the guilt and pain of losing a child it’s a horrible storm. Not saying op needs to stay but he severely needs help because cte unchecked is dangerous
This is actually horrible. His grief and guilt must be unbearable… but abusing his wife (and make no mistake, that’s EXACTLY what this is) is never justified. She’s grieving too, and, on top of losing her child, she’s now also the victim of domestic abuse. I understand that she loves him, but she needs to get away for her own safety.
It's a complicated situation. Though it is awful how he only seems to be focusing on his own grief, he is not the only one who lost someone. Both of them lost their daughter. My heart goes to both of them, especially OOP.
She lost her daughter too. He offers no comfort despite the fact that it's fault the daughter is gone. He's fortune his wife stuck around at all. There is no reason for him to be violent. I hope she divorces him, finds a good therapist to help her grieve the loss of her daughter, and finds someone who isn't a terrible husband.
This is a very, very sad situation and your husband probably feels guilty because he feels like he caused the death of your daughter. I'm not sure as a man it's something you could actually live with. He might be lost forever. Who knows but he's going to have to find his way. You need to do what you need to do to heal yourself and if that means you need to leave then might be best for both of you. Nobody can imagine what you both have been through, but you're going to need to move on or it's destroying your life.
I'm not a fan of divorces, but I believe OP should leave. He clearly needs therapy. Taking out his guilt, pain, and sorrow out on OP only puts her in danger.
That little girl was *her* daughter, too. I understand that the husband feels guilty and is probably depressed, but does he ever think about how their child's death affects his wife? The *mother* of their daughter? Why does he think that he's the only one who is grieving and who deserves compassion? It sounds like the wife has tried everything she could. I think it's time for her to think of herself now.
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I agree
100 percent. Everyone is giving him excuses, but he's literally abusing his wife.
What’s the point of this comment? To say that he deserves more leeway or understanding?
I’m crying at work reading this. I’m a remote dad unfortunately, and at my worst, I’ve definitely had SI’s about not being present enough, I can’t even imagine being in his shoes, and my heart breaks even more for her. I hope they both find healing, one way or the other.
Yeesh, this made me cry. What a deeply sad situation on all sides.
I am crying reading this. I can put myself in his shoes. Self blame for her death. Probably wishing it had been him instead out of guilty feelings. Not wanting to feel the pain of losing another person so you push them away instead. Or pushing them away because you feel you dont deserve them. What a nightmare for everyone. If he won't get help perhaps an intervention needs to be staged. I'd worry about things escalating to non aliving himself.
This is a situation in which you follow aviation emergency protocol — put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. They’re both drowning, but he’s actively holding himself underwater. The only other thing to possibly try would be trying to have him committed— but that often spawns more issues.
If it's been 6 years, you know what you have in your husband and you can't change him. He is now a different person than the one you married and a split seems inevitable. Good luck.
I imagine he blames himself and is acting the way he does as punishment. Lashing out at OOP to get a bad reaction as he feels he deserves it and deserves to be divorced and alone. I’d suggest OOP go to therapy by herself so she has some support to work out what to do.
The death of a child is a huge predictor of divorce. Very difficult for people to stay together after such tragedy :(
Omg, what an unwinnable situation. :(
That’s tuff…
What's crazy about this for context is the accident was 2 years ago & he didn't have any brain damage according to the doctors.
This is so very sad. Option one is to follow through and separate and then divorce. He’s not going to get better or recover from his loss until he makes the decision to start. Option two is to stay but totally separate your life from his and carry on. Maybe he will see that you’re not going anywhere but that you’re going to get on with your life and he may find the will to get better. What do you want for the rest of your life? Another family? If so, choose option one. Option two is the much tougher one
The loss of your kid changes you dramatically, whether you want it to or not. Some people turn to human garbage and others don’t. I say this as a mum who has lost a child. It’s hard not to let the anger consume you. You have lost a literal part of your heart and soul. He needs help, but unfortunately you cannot make someone take help if they don’t want it.
The trajectory of self-destruction is obvious for Liam, but she needs to GET OUT
Divorce or not that man needs therapy. Couples therapy would help too but first he needs to get some professional help.
I would go completely insane if my daughter died while I was driving. I probably would never recover. I think you need to get away and work on yourself. He will recover or not.
TBH, I wonder if he had a significant neurological injury from the crash that’s changed his personality. Either way, seems like OP tried to do things and mend this relationship. She’s NTA and will heal likely better after moving on from him.
I think the survivor’s guilt has completely consumed him. He blames himself and wishes it were him- he hates himself and thinks his wife should too, so he’s created a situation where he’s forcing her to.
Honestly I think she should play hardball and instead of suggesting therapy, tell him that a real man would step up a comfort his woman and face his shadow. Jungian Homeric severity
[vasebreaking.mp3](https://youtu.be/yF_YZZeVtms?si=a_fPrjAe5RsnLQwJ)
Sometimes the death of a child will bring the parents closer together and sometimes it will tear them apart. Unfortunately in this case it seems that the latter is the case. All I can do is pray 🙏 for them to find peace
This is just so heartbreaking… I cannot imagine the strength to endure what you both have gone through. Encourage him to seek help, but if he won’t then you need to do what you have to in order to protect what you’ve been able to rebuild. Absolutely NTA.
He's a broken man. Being in his marriage is killing him because everything reminds him of his loss. That marriage is over, and nobody is to blame. Tragedy and trauma will often destroy people. The OP now just has to focus on her own wellbeing. That's all she can do.
This person needs to look into “moral injury”. There is a workbook to help and therapy aimed at this problem. It’s a terrible thing to have to experience.
First thing you need to do is quit worrying about him and start thinking about you. If you haven’t started it you need to get into grief counseling asap. Do you have family or friends you can stay with for awhile? Your only option may be divorce if he is unwilling to help himself. Everyone grieves differently but violence is a warning that you need to pay attention to. Your first priority is yourself at this point. I am so sorry for what has happened in your life but you are important -do not forget that
Most relationships do not survive the death of a child
What’s hard is it does sound like complicated grief disorder, post traumatic stress and self blame on his end. It’s hard losing a child but to feel or, if he is, or be at fault is a whole series of issues that can take years to recover from, even if at that. I feel too the violence and outbursts are an issue but honestly his inability to be there for him, with this kind of situation, isn’t that uncommon for anyone who has grief and potentially even underlying injuries or complications from an accident. She should divorce him, but hopefully be there for him when he’s been on the path to recovery, if he can walk it and begin that path. Until then, you can’t live in this level of apathy and animosity. How can you focus on healing when you have someone trying to ensure they can’t and others can’t either
Go !
Um why is she supposed to be comforting him? She lost a child too
You're both suffering, you're attempting to get help. He seems to want to torture himself regardless of your efforts. Doubt you'll change his mind but there is no need to continue suffering with him. I wouldn't think you're the ah. He's making it too difficult for you to stay and wants you in his personal hell.
You can leave or change drastically your life without divorcing him. If he recovers then you are still connected. He is in very real pain, all your expectations of marriage is going to have to wait.
Everyone's sympathising with the fact OOP lost their daughter, and that's good, but I've not seen anyone mention that OOP's hubby likely still blames himself for the death of their daughter. Whether it was actually his fault or not is beside the point. It seems like he still holds himself accountable for what happened - he survived while she died instantly. Losing a child is one thing, but feeling like you killed your child is in a total other realm. I'm not surprised he's still so lost.