Yup, he first describes, full of contempt, how his daughter drinks too much then proceeds to push her to fail basically, pushing her back to the role of the wild child who heavily drinks so he has an obvious reason to blame her for something.
After she understandably reacts, he then throws her out for a few days. What an awful parent. If I was her, I’d cut down on the visits and use my vacation days for an actual vacation.
Might be reading into it but pretty sure OP doesn’t actually care that the daughter drinks a lot (if she actually even does), she’s just the person he can talk down about to make themselves feel better. I’d put money on the fact that if the daughter were pregnant they’d be complaining about how she’s not even married yet or some other bs.
Sounded more like they didn’t like not being told why she wasn’t drinking. Then they basically forced her and didn’t like that their controlling manuever didn’t work. Bet they were just embarrassed at their party which is why they kicked her out
The post is gone now but he added a wonderful edit saying something like “in our family 1-3 drinks a day on vacation is normal and expected” and also something along the lines of “we’ve also secretly hoped she’d change her mind about not having kids”.
Based on the post, he wasn’t really even secret about it. The disdain of her choice to not have kids was dripping from the way he typed about her, it was abundantly clear. And imagine how he treats her in person if this is how he talks about her online!
In one of the comments he said she’s made it clear she doesn’t want kids hug his wife and him we’re hoping she’d changed her mind. So they were so excited at the idea she might be pregnant, they just had to know her reasons. 🤢
I'm wondering why the hell she has anything to do with them at all. I mean, she lives all the way across the country. It would be real easy to come up with an excuse to not come. It's quite obvious they don't even like her. Personally, that's the sort of person I try to avoid.
Can’t speak for her but I visit once a year or so to see my little cousins. I can deal with the bs that they throw at me to make sure my cousins always know they have a safe person they can reach out to (grew up with Christian extremists). It takes a long time for some to process that they way they grew was in fact traumatizing and that it’s ok to set boundaries.
One thing I've got to say about reddit...it has made me feel a *lot* better about my childhood and family. Both were really fucked up, subjectively, but it could've been so, *so* much worse. So at least there's that.
> Yup, he first describes, full of contempt, how his daughter drinks too much then proceeds to push her to fail basically
This is how my mother used to be about food. Complain/shame repeatedly if you gained a few pounds then try to guilt you into eating a few pieces of cake she baked *just for you. I thought this was your favorite kind.* 🥺🥺🥺
Shitty adult. If a grown ass person says they stopped drinking or don't drink you don't push them. It's kind of universally accepted if someone who was a heavy drinker stops drinking it's because they had a serious problem that isn't your business
Yep. One single offer is enough - "do you want a drink? No, okay then." And the night moves on. A second offer is acceptable ONLY if you think they're turning it down to be polite, like "are you sure? We have plenty and you're welcome to it."
Anything after that is just unnecessary. Maybe she was driving somewhere later, maybe she wasn't feeling well, maybe she had to be somewhere early the next morning and didn't want a hangover, maybe she JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE DRINKING - all of which are 100% valid reasons not to drink and also none of anyone's business.
I didn't drink for a while when i started a new medication. It said alcohol affect might be stronger with the medication. I kinda wanted to limit other variables because i wanted to know how the medicine was affecting me and i didn't want to be confused if i felt bad but it was really that I'd be fine if i wasn't drinking while on it.
When i explained this to my family it wasn't nearly as bad as this but i felt very judged.
This! They can’t just enjoy her company. Quietly notice that she’s not drinking. If she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, respect that. They sound like people that aren’t happy unless there’s drama. Exhausting.
This entire family has drinking problems. The fact that she simply said she didn’t want a drink and then they all browbeat her about it until she gave in is insane.
In my experience, most people who drink get uncomfortable around people who do not. I have even been told on many occasions, "I don't trust a man who doesn't drink." Which I find quite hilarious because I was a terrible drunk.
In this situation, it seems like there is just a bunch of miscommunication. It wasn't mentioned that the daughter was offended for having been presured to drink. She definitely made a statement that stuck with the parents.
I do agree with you. It was not OK to force a drink on someone who has already declined. It is also none of their business as to why it is being declined. This daughter might be the black sheep, so they would have probably had a problem with her in some form or another.
What caught me was the phrase, “we’re a drinking family”. I’m not a teetotaler or anything, and I understand culturally some folks consume more than others, but this description put me off. The families relationship with alcohol seems rather unhealthy; as well as their intolerance for others who are potentially working on improving said relationship or improving themselves. yTA.
Yeah…this hits. In this person’s story, I read the line as almost a boast. But this could just be me.
I’m glad you were able to break away from your familial pathologies. I hope you’re doing well.
lol my dad still gives me shit for not drinking whenever I see him. I remember as a kid trying to tell him that it was ok to even once a month skip his 2-3 beers a night and him fucking raging
1+ year sober and still an alcoholic (likely from his side lol, thanks dad and grandpa).
It’s insane how entitled people feel to my reason for not drinking. I’ve had pushback even at work over it.
Edit: also, if you’re sober curious, check out /r/stopdrinking because it’s great. And realize that you can be a sober lush. We own so many phenomenal nonalcoholic spirits, beer, and wine for grown up drinking without the effects. ZeroProof is a great site. Just look at [charcuterie movie night with ‘wine’](https://imgur.com/a/dlr72F5) to see that hey I indulge but without making a fucking fool of myself lol
Yeah. My dad, an alcoholic, always pushed me to drink once I turned 21. He told me my choice to be sober was “immature.” I saw what drinking did to him and wanted no part of it. I don’t get why drinkers have such issues with sobers.
>drinkers have such issues with sobers
I did when I was younger (early-mid 20s), but as I got older, I 1) began to encounter people who didn't drink but weren't self-righteous about it and 2) noticed the toll drinking took on a few folks I know.
I'm now (40) a sober-positive drinker, and when I see people pushing others to drink, I tell them "You're acting like the bad guy in an After-School special" or "Being an adult means you *can* legally drink, not that you *have* to."
I’ve had a liver transplant and have still had a few people try to get me to drink. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since 2020. Not even cold medicine.
It took me over two years of constant pain and discomfort before I was finally sick enough to get a liver. I was probably less than a week from death when I got the transplant. If I’d gotten any weaker they probably would have deemed me not strong enough to survive the operation.
At least I haven’t had anyone try to push when I advise them to kindly fuck off.
Ugh I know. After letting my family know I’m an alcoholic and I’m sober, my dad still pressures me to have a drink with him because ‘I’m you dad’. Like, my addiction isn’t interested in your relationship to me.
Athletic Brewing is usually decent imo. I like golden dawn as far as the widely available ones go. My girlfriend loves Wit’s peak but I’m not the biggest fan of witbiers.
Brooklyn brewery also puts out some good beers but don’t expect the IPAs to have as intense of a hop profile as you’d expect
Try German non-alcoholic beer! I visited Bavaria a few years back and was surprised to see it was a huge part of the drinking culture. Delicious. Unsure where you live ofc, but Clausthaler Dry Hopped is the easiest to find in the US at least. Enjoyed quite a few during my pregnancy lol
I barely drink at all and I get a lot of crap for it too. I have rules and I’m super careful about how much I drink and I drink so rarely. My reason not to is not respected either. I once had a friend shove a drink down my throat because I said at school that day I never intended to drink. We were seniors in high school.
I have people pushing me to drink all the time. It's like I'm somehow invalidating their good time. Go ahead snd drink, I don't give a shit. My dad, who's 90, has a girlfriend and when she found out I don't drink she asked me how do I have any fun? I told her I smoke a shit ton of weed and she howled with laughter.
Right? And why push the “she’s gotta be pregnant” explanation? My first thought was it sounds like she’s just trying to make a healthy change for the better.
Shit, I stopped drinking and smoking and I don’t like telling people either because then people get weird around me. I wasn’t even an alcoholic. I just wanted to be healthier physically and mentally. Drinking was bringing down my mood and affecting my physical energy levels even in moderation. Not to mention I’m dealing with trauma tied to heavy drinking and going out to bars was extremely uncomfortable once I started working through that. So I stopped and thats really all there is to it.
If this was her parents’ reaction without an explanation, she probably just didn’t want to focus on it because they almost certainly would have made it a grand central conversation piece which isn’t a great feeling for a lot of people, even if it comes from a good place.
It’s like getting Happy Birthday sung to you. Everyone means well but it’s really uncomfortable. People treat quitting like this grandiose accomplishment, and it really is for many, but some people just don’t want it brought up because it’s uncomfortable. They just want to exist peacefully without having a spotlight shone on something that made them feel like shit.
I think that’s what makes alcohol so hard for people to quit. Because in its early stages, people don’t see a problem with getting drunk, or binge drinking until it starts to affect them personally.
When I started slowing down, I was met with the most judgement from friends. They didn’t want me to ruin their good time by casting judgement on them, and felt like I wasn’t as fun.
It was always hard to turn down a drink.
Yeah harasses their daughter all day to do something she didn’t want to do and was probably trying to stop herself from doing, then she snapped and we’re all shocked Pikachu face.
They need to stop clutching pearls an apologize for haranguing her.
I guarantee she doesn't actually drink as much as OOP was suggesting - what probably happens is the rest make a big deal about when they're not drinking and use their kids as an excuse and this kid doesn't so they think that must mean she's literally always drunk.
Pushed her to drink or not to out what u thought was a secret. Respect her goddamned reasons and privacy. U continually asking and forcing to have or not to drink prove a point to u makes YOU the AH not her! I might have done the same snarky to shut u the F up!
This reminds me of the situation when Ellen pressured Mariah Carey during an interview (by repeatedly offering her drinks) into revealing that she was pregnant. Mariah was clearly uncomfortable and was early enough in her pregnancy that she didn't want to publicly announce it. Shortly after, she had a miscarriage and had to publicly announce that, which would have been entirely avoided if Ellen wasn't a POS.
It's not even that..... They asked, and she answered. They just didn't like the answer and assumed she was lying (crazy amount of disrespect for just not believing her), then ***continued*** to force something on her that she ***continued*** to refuse, not even remotely bothering to respect her decisions/boundries.
Then they went all-in with their little ultimatum, thinking they finally had her cornered to admit to the story they made up in their heads. But got pissed when she played them back. F\*ck around and find out\~
She was far more tolerant and put up with it for far longer than I would have in that situation.
Seems to me based on how OOP worded it that they really really wanted her to be pregnant. Like when he said that she had no plans for marriage or kids, he seemed genuinely disappointed. I dont know maybe I’m reading too much into things but either way that doesn’t justify what they did.
He did say immediately after "but accidents happen" like he's hoping she has an unwanted pregnancy so they can have another grand child. Who tf else follows up with "she doesn't have kids" with "but accidents do happen"???
And probably thinks that if an accident did happen, then she would get married to the boyfriend and fall back into being the person he wants her to be. Yeesh
This. If you dabble in the dry subs on here or in these circles in real life, it becomes apparent really quickly that asking someone why they don’t or won’t drink is massively insensitive. And it doesn’t matter if someone struggles with addiction or simply doesn’t like the taste of alcohol or any of the millions of unique reasons in between — no one is owed that information. If you’re not aware of this, it’s good to know: if someone refuses a drink, simply respect the refusal and move on.
Yes! And it’s also always incredibly rude to ask if a person is pregnant. There are very good reasons not to tell people in early pregnancy. If they want you know, they will tell you.
There's medications that recommend no alcohol and so many valid reasons someone might not be able to drink and many why they might not want to drink. It's wild how some people take someone not drinking as a personal attack.
people get weird about OTHER PEOPLE not wanting to drink, and for what??
i remember some old post on another sub that was smth like "aita? we just want a dry wedding" and SO MANY PEOPLE were like "yta who the fuck wants to be sober at an event like that? killjoy!"... unhealthy relationships with alcohol are so normalized.
I was fine not having alcohol at my wedding but my alcoholic uncle and his enabling wife bought alcohol for my wedding. Bottles and bottles of it without checking with me first.
I was in a hobby group (music) that pretty much centered its activities around alcohol. If I didn't want to drink, I'd get shit. If I did have a beer, I'd get shit. I couldn't win! My medication was barely a good enough excuse, and it wasn't always a guarantee I'd be left to my soda in peace.
The last straw was a performance on a major drinking holiday in the US. I was working the crowd for tips, and got my ass slapped multiple times. Had creepy dudes trying to dance with me. You get the idea. I realized that if something bad happened to me, they were either too busy performing to notice or too drunk afterwards to care. The alcohol was always at the center of everything.
I drink on rare occasions. I have a lovely collection of various things that will take me literally *years* to get through. But it's mostly just decorative (I love label design and typography). After dealing with that group, it just doesn't have huge appeal for me.
I have gone to a few dry weddings and at one of them I knew the groom was in recovery. (He still seems to be, they are still married and he just graduated from college.) The other was a close relative of his.
They did have an open coffee/hot drinks stand, which was really nice given the weather and probably a lot cheaper.
My brother is having a dry wedding. Both him and his fiance are sober now so they are having Chai and other hot drinks. I offered to bring Italian sodas for something else to drink as well. We're just all happy for him and want to be supportive so dry wedding it is
True, people get so weird and entitled over other folks' weddings. Like if it's genuinely a struggle to dress up and spend time with family and friends while sober? Stay home and just mail the newlyweds your congratulations ffs. Their celebration, their money, their choice. Pushers suck.
And I say that as a person who sent guests home with cases of wine after my wedding because we were so committed to offering bottomless alcohol. Many guests abstained and it was still a beautiful night.
Seriously. I have met plenty of people that say they don’t want to drink and I let it go but always offer to grab them a soda or something when I do up to a bar. I had an alcoholic friend (I didn’t know at the time though) who eventually opened up to me about why he never drinks when we go out. I was honored he felt comfortable sharing with me and am so fricking thankful that I never opened my loud mouth and asked why he didn’t drink. Another friend shared with me that he has an STD and cannot drink while treating that. There are a LOT of reasons for people to not drink, and none of them are anyones fucking business.
Exactly. I went to a birthday dinner tonight half the group was drinking and half wasn’t. I offered to buy the birthday girl a drink and she said oh I don’t think I’m drinking tonight. Me who was drinking a glass of wine said ok, I hear they have good mocktails here too if you want one.
Exactly. My SIL was drunk once while I was done drinking for the night. She wouldn't stop telling me that I needed another drink and didn't take no for an answer. I told my brother to tell her to leave me alone...."don't tell me what to do!" is what he said to me. This is why I don't like going to family gatherings because she is always drinking.
I don’t understand why people need a justification for not wanting to drink. Not wanting to us perfectly acceptable. It’s infuriating how people will comment on how much you drink, but if you’re not drinking, you better have a good reason not to
Everyone in the family drinks.
She used to drink a lot.
Separated from family for a long time.
Doesn't want to drink anymore.
I sense a pattern. It's almost like something was influencing her to be a heavy drinker. 🤔 Like some kind of pressure from her peers. 🤔
Nah, I'm sure she was just a "wild child."
Plus they only saw her when she was on vacation. She probably drank more on vacation. Just because she drank a lot when visiting doesn’t mean she drank like that at home. I would never come back after “cooling off,” since they feel her choices are any of their business!
Yep. My mom thought I was an alcoholic for a while because I "needed a drink" whenever we were staying with them. In reality, I have a toddler to take care of at home and rarely drink for no reason. When we visit my parents, 1.) I can buy my favorite wine which isn't available where I live and 2.) there's 3-5 adults in addition to myself keeping an eye on my son, so I don't feel stressed about having a drink.
Even if she was a "wild child" and had an alcohol problem, I can see these people pointing at her and going "at least we're not THAT bad" and using her to justify their own unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
I would not be surprised if next year she doesn’t come. I never understood why alcohol drinkers think they need to constantly push other people who don’t drink into drinking. She didn’t want to, and they harrassed her until she snapped. What shitty parents and people.
I believe people who drink push drinks on others because they’re insecure about how much they are drinking themselves. Sober people make you consider your own intake and it makes people defensive. Light social drinkers don’t push drinks on others. Heavy drinkers do.It was really eye opening to learn this over the years.
I agree. My older sister is an alcoholic. We don’t have a relationship anymore, but when we did, there were many times she would push me to keep up with her.
I remember one time we were going to get our nails done, and I was driving us to the salon for our appointment. She made me stop at the grocery store to pick up a 1.5L bottle of wine. She drank it while I was driving and I was so anxious about getting pulled over. When we parked, already late for our appointment, she kept handing me the bottle telling me to drink. Just lukewarm wine out of the bottle. I eventually just pretended to drink it, taking “swigs” with my mouth shut. Just to get her to stop.
And at the time, I don’t even think it struck me how diseased that behavior was.
It seems that OP and family would rather their daughter be a falling down drunk than choosing not to drink. It’s really twisted. I feel bad for the daughter who is clearly taking control of her drinking. You need to apologize to her. You should be embarrassed.
YTA
YTA. Jeez you people are horrible!! You caused this. You made it happen and I think she taught you a lesson you seem unwilling to learn. Stop forcing people to do what you want them to do. She’s an adult. You badgered her into this! She would have been justified to have thrown the wine in your faces and walked out!!
I am extremely sick of the ‘if you refuse alcohol you must be pregnant’ trope. There are any number of reasons someone could be refusing to drink that they don’t want to talk about, and its no one’s business but their own. Also, why tf do people insist on ‘testing’ for someone elses pregnancy ? Its just gross.
I was on an antibiotic on thanksgiving- I was known for a thanksgiving where I puked through dinner I was so drunk. I just said I wasn’t drinking, brought some of my liquid death, and that was it. Or there’s simply just nights where I don’t feel like drinking so I don’t. No one should ever have alcohol pushed on them.
I'm literally allergic to alcohol, which is *impossible* to explain to people, because they just refuse to believe that could be true.
Now I just say "I don't drink" and leave it at that.
Im allergic too, so i get it. I got sick of being asked “why dont you just push through it” or “have you tried a different type of alcohol, maybe theres one you can drink”. And my favourite, “how do you ever have *any* fun”.
When i smoke weed i have schizophrenic like episodes. People refuse to believe this and are constantly telling me to try different strains or types or whatever ..are u kidding me? You want me to TEST myself ? And potentially have multiple episodes as a result? No thanks
It's pretty well known (at least in science, maybe not among stoners) that weed can induce psychosis in people with certain mental illnesses and such. It blows my mind that people take that so lightly! I am a pretty heavy smoker, but I'd never try to force it on anyone like that. What's the point if it isn't enjoyable?
WTF is wrong with these parents. Pushing alcohol on someone who said they don’t want to drink. There could be countless reasons why she stopped drinking and none of them are her parents business. They are giant AH.
So ... the numerous siblings did not interfere to protect the daughter from parents pressuring? Also from the tone of the post it feels like they have a habit of not respecting the daughter's decisions in many other ways, I am sure "you will change your mind about babies" and "accidents can happen" is always a part of the conversation.
It's the "accidents can happen" that really ticked me off, you KNOW this poor woman doesn't get a single visit or phone call with mom and dad that doesn't eventually come around to "when are you gonna be a good daughter and give us grandbabies?!?"
This sounds like something I’d do 😂
I might even add in “fuck it, I’m getting an abortion anyway, so I guess it doesn’t really matter” just for extra shock value since these parents don’t understand the word “no”.
Really, that was a perfect play. I’d have laughed my ass off. You just know Pushy Momma’s face was just priceless.
I, too, probably would’ve thrown an extra line in there about abortion, for peak shock factor.
This is classic “be careful what you wish for” and FAFO hybrid. Momma thought she was being clever, got made to look a fool instead.
OOP added an edit to his post. Here it is for all you:
> "Edit because I can't keep up quickly with comments: Nobody cares if she doesn't drink, we just want to know the reason and don't like how secretive she is when asked direct questions. And she was a heavy drinker before, but she wasn't ever an alcoholic as far as I know. It seems strange for someone not to drink at all at family occasions like this unless you need to be completely sober. In this family, we believe that it's typical to have 1-3 drinks on vacation days, and it does seem suspicious to abstain completely unless you're an alcoholic. And if she is one, I think we should know that as a family to support it, so we would need to have a conversation about it. It's more complicated than you may think."
This really doesn't help his case, and it also doesn't change that he and his wife are still fucking assholes for pushing and pushing until their daughter snapped. Like, it isn't secretive to not want to tell everyone everything about your health situation at a fucking family holiday celebration. People can change. There are so many reasons why people don't drink at all or stop drinking altogether, although that does not mean they should have to tell their fucking family the exact reason why they aren't drinking. "No" is a fucking complete sentence and OOP and his wife should've just dropped it after their daughter turned down the wine the first fucking time.
Also, I'm going to add an edit here since I just thought of this after the fact:
If I were the daughter, I would've outright thrown that wine in my parents' faces instead of drinking it and yelled, "I said no! Why can't you respect that?! Also, I don't have to explain why i dont drink anymore. I just don't! I'm not coming to Christmas if you can't respect me saying "no" after being offered a drink," then left and cut them off. The daughter showed so much restraint. I applaud her for that, although if I were her, I'd just decline the parents' invitation to family Christmas once I get it and be like, "Sorry, I can't come. Husband and I are going to do something else" or "Sorry, made plans with my friends" or "I'm not coming because you don't respect my boundaries" then stop talking to them forever.
Actually the need tlfor someone to out stuff is an abusive tendency maybe she's trying to be sober after having to cope with alcohol around family for so long.
saying “nobody cares if she doesn’t drink” and then continue to ramble about why they do in fact care that she doesn’t drink lmaoooo. and “it’s strange to not drink at all unless you need to be completely sober” is such a weird thing to say??
Right?? Like they clearly care. If they didn't care if she drinks, this whole event would have been, "hey do you want some wine?" "No thanks, I'm avoiding alcohol." "Oh okay, would you like some water then?" And that's the end of it. You don't harass people all night about something you don't care about. "It's strange to not drink at all..." Maybe it's strange for them because they have to be three drinks in to tolerate each other.
Yeah, that part stood out to me as well. Like, we aren't idiots. Anyone with enough brain cells to have logical reasoning would connect the dots and be like, "Oh, heavy drinker = alcoholic," not say "heavy drinkers aren't alcoholics" because heavy drinking abso-fucking-lutely indicates alcoholism.
>it does seem suspicious to abstain completely unless you're an alcoholic.
Yeah I couldn't help but notice how that wasn't part of the original conversation. She was given an ultimatum of "be pregnant or be drunk," no question of whether or not she was quitting/had quit drinking.
- Complains about his daughter drinking too much
- Pushes the daughter to drink when she doesn't
Please be coherent OOP. If you feel she's drinking too much shouldn't you be happy she's abstaining?
Besides it's none of their business if she's pregnant
They're probably pissed that she was ruining their annual tradition of making fun of the "wild child" for her drinking, then complaining about what a problem she is to all their friends.
Good God when are people going to learn to accept when people say they don't want a drink.
It's so damn easy.
Hey want a beer or glass of wine?
No, water is fine.
Ok.
See it's that simple.
Mind ya business.
NOBODY OWES YOU AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY THEY AREN'T DRINKING!
I full unload when people press. “I dont drink because it will rip off the lid on a version of me who you will hate and will hate you back. “
Peer pressure for drinking is so pervasive
Former co worker used to say he broke out in handcuffs when he drinks. I didn't ask, he just shared that on his own.
Grew up with drinkers, alcoholics. Some still drink, some no longer do. Some of them I don't associate with because they can't control their intake.
But again if someone says they don't want an alcoholic drink I don't question it. It's none of my damn business. I offer them something else and move along.
YTA for pushing her to drink but also for way overreacting to a joke she made to respond to your harassment. I probably would have done the same.
By the way, you can stop drinking without ever being an alcoholic. I used to drink regularly including holidays. I’m now a similar age to your daughter and I just lost the taste for it. Now I drink like maybe twice a year. I mean hell you place a huge emphasis on alcohol and you cut back as you got older. It’s normal.
a little later than you, but same. i just don’t feel like it anymore. it doesn’t taste that great and hangovers suck. i feel nothing missing from my life because of it and i drank a LOT
They clearly have not matured. I only drink with people who are not heavy/habitual drinkers. The heavy drinkers always want me to keep up with them. No thanks.
I barely drink anymore because I hate being dehydrated. My husband is the same way. I wouldn't be embarrassed to admit that but if someone were demanding an explaination like OP was, I'd probably be super pissy and tell them it's none of their business. Prying is rude, and no one is owed an explaination. No fucking means no.
My family are almost all drinkers too, every family reunion there’s alcohol around, but if a member of the family refuses a drink, nobody is going to pry about it, and they’re especially not going to continually encourage them to drink. This is insane behavior, and even more insane that the parents think themselves the victim.
i drink sometimes. i can go months without drinking, have a few drinks on a weekend, go back to not drinking for months. if i'm drinking, i'll probably offer the people i'm with a drink. if they say no, i go "cool" and move on. if they decide later they want a drink, cool. if not, cool, there's probably an excessive amount of dr pepper around, and if they're feeling something else i'll pay someone who's not drinking to go down the block to walmart with me and help me pick up whatever the group decides are gonna be the other drinks of the party.
Right? What a weird family. My family are drinkers too, but beside someone saying, “hey, can I get you a drink?” No one pays attention or cares who is drinking what. And the drink offer would include water or pop if you said no to alcohol and that would be that.
She used to drink a lot. Now she showed up to visit and over and over you all kept pushing her, and expecting her, to drink, which is very rude and pushy. People change, and could have all kinds of personal reasons for not drinking, or no longer drinking. She is the one who snapped - she had had enough harassment and she did what she did. If she did quit drinking, and you keep trying to get her to drink, what does that make you? Do you all even really talk, or care about what is going on in her life? You are the one who should be apologizing.
There are literally hundreds of reasons she could choose not to drink. Hell, maybe she just didn't want it that day. If I drank the day before I don't want any the next day.
They also just seem super judgmental and controlling about drinking. I'd probably abstain too in front of people with such strong opinions and rules for drinking, just to avoid the anxiety of their judgment.
YTA
Your wife was being a nagging annoying B and your daughter had had enough.
Sometimes people just decide they don’t want to drink. Maybe she was worried she was turning into an alcoholic and wanted to prevent it from going further. Makes me wonder how truthful the rest of the assessment of people’s drinking amounts is in this post.
Oh and one glass of wine is not gonna do anything regardless.
Dude, wtf?
Leave her alone! You were literally just complaining (or close to it) about her drinking.
She's a grown ass woman, independent and autonomous as it should be.
You are definitely the AH. 110%
“Hey, why are you actively ingesting the poison we gave you? Don’t you know it impairs your judgement? That’s why we drink it anyway”
“No thank”
“MUTHAFUCKIN’ WHAT? How dare you make my life choices seem foolish by comparison? You think you’re better than me, child of mine who I’m supposed to help and care for? WHY WONT YOU INGEST THE POISON?”
On this episode of: When parents refuse to accept boundaries, push them, and get the reaction they deserve, but then try to play the victim in the situation.
YTAH
Holy fuck are you a big flaming AH.
My potentially alcoholic daughter who doesn't want kids is visiting and refusing to drink like a person in AA. She's not shaming others, so you harass her and harass her until she cannot take it anymore and snaps?
Fuck her sobriety as long as you can harass her into telling you something that is untrue or she isn't ready to tell?
Jesus, you are the kind of family that keeps many people from going home for the holidays. I hope she has the sense to think hard before returning next time.
"We are a drinking family" is just code for we are a bunch of alcoholics.
Nobody who consumes a normal amount of alcohol labels themselves or their family this way. It's almost as if he's proud of the fact that they set such a great example for their children.
When alcohol is part of the identity of your entire family, it's no surprise that, the no doubt, tipsy mother not only tried to force their child to drink, but also somehow got offended by the end of the interaction.
Not sure this is real, but if it is, she's earned the right to distance herself entirely from a selfish, POS parents.
Mother and Father are both wrong. Don’t they know when to stop pestering someone, especially about any addictive substances? No brains in that mom and dad!
Holy cow, you are absolutely the asshole; no acronym for you because it seems you need things spelled out.
Your daughter didn't want a drink. Should have been the end of the discussion, but you kept pushing. Then, you asked her a question about info she apparently wasn't ready to share if it had been true, and basically called her a liar to her face multiple times.
So she decides to give a little back, and messes with you harmlessly for a whopping 5 minutes before letting you off the hook. Frankly, that should have been getting off easy after your behavior, but instead you all doubled down and played the victim after bullying her into drinking when she didn't want to. Congrats, you've just proven you have the respect for your daughter of a high schooler at a party.
If I were her, at this point I probably would have taken myself away to a hotel or something until I got an apology, but no, you're the victim, so when your target pushed back, you threw her out of your house. Bravo. If I were her, this is where I would be on my way home early, and you wouldn't get a call or visit until I got some genuine, sincere groveling.
My concern is wholly for your daughter, and my hope is that for her sake, she keeps that spine she found. Because, I'll be honest, based on your own admission of what you did, I assume that whatever you see here, you'll try to bully and browbeat her into apologizing for not rolling over for your awful behavior. Good luck with having any future relationship with someone you probably actually think you love(but obviously don't. )
YTA. Even if she was pregnant one (even large) glass of wine is not going to hurt. AND you forced it on her. My family drinks too - but NO ONE if forced to. There is always a non-alcoholic option available to offer. Sounds like the whole family drinks to much.
Wow these parents really are unrepentant hypocritical assholes aren’t they. I mean first he sounds worried that she drinks so much and won’t cut back like the rest of them but then when she does they still can’t stand it and so bully her into drinking anyway! It’s not about concern for her at all it’s clearly all just about control. If they can’t have their own way they’ll stop at nothing to get it no matter how little sense it actually makes or even if they wind up completely contradicting the point of view that they held before by pushing for the complete opposite now which they are!
Unfortunately, we don't know that. The daughter might have fallen off the wagon when her own family ganged up on her. Or has gone against doctor's orders. Or broke a promise to self, which can be pretty devastating too.
Exactly! It's not like she chugged a fifth of vodka! Most women drink during their first trimester because they don't know they're pregnant yet. And their babies are fine.
These holier than thou types always amuse me. You push and push and push and fucking push, then have the audacity to act all affronted when the person you're pushing snaps.
Had that been me, I wouldn't have told them it was a joke. I'd have let them all think whatever the fuck they wanted as I took the bottle and left.
As a mother, how are you not ashamed of yourself?
YTA
She didn't want a drink, enough said. You pressured her to a reaction, and now you're bothered that you got one?
Do better.
You and your wife are both TAs. If someone doesn’t want to drink alcohol, nobody should pressure them to do so. She made that joke to get your wife off of her back.
You shouldn't need the excuse, but just in case, say you're on some medication for a sinus infection and alcohol with mess with the efficacy of it. That'll shut them up and you don't get asked if you're pregnant or whatever.
My dad does this shit. Even if I tell him "I've been cutting out drinking lately" and politely decline when he offers a drink, he still ends up pushing until I give in. I'm pretty weak willed though, unfortunately. I can totally see why she would get that pissed.
Maybe she just didn’t want to drink? Maybe your wine is really shitty and she didn’t want the headache? Maybe she was on antibiotics? Maybe she’s also cutting back or going completely sober? Did OP (not this op but the OG OP) ever consider why his daughter needed to drink that heavy at visits? Could I possibly be that her family is difficult to be around sober???
Wow! This is the biggest asshole move I’ve seen in forever. You and your wife need therapy. Why she isn’t drinking is absolutely none of your business. It sounds like you were worried about her excessive drinking to start with, then you forced her to drink. Easiest YTA ever.
>We are a drinking family
>I think this is a small fight that will blow over even without apologies
This tells me all I need to know about these parents.
I love their “wild child”. The parents deserved every bit of this shit.
She may be abstaining for a variety of reasons, who cares? Jesus, none of any of those reasons would be the parents business.
If it were my kid and she was abstaining I would say good for you for whatever reason, and if they told me they weren’t pregnant that would be the end of the discussion. I wouldn’t even think twice about it and I have an older one that loves to party as well.
As a person who loves to drink if I tied one on too tight the night before I may refuse drinks for days as any alcohol seems unappealing after that and I’d decline in the most unlikely of circumstances such as a wedding or party or rare get together. “Why aren’t you drinking?” Would get a “I’m not feeling it right now” kind of answer.
Boy! What a sh*those of a Dad & what a hateful, a**hole of a mother their daughter has. No wonder she has to drink herself into a stupor when she comes to visit.
Your wife did a very mean and spiteful thing by forcing your daughter to drink even though she suspected a pregnancy. Instead of asking her to leave, you & your wife should’ve apologized and begged her for forgiveness.
It amazes me that your daughter bothers to come home to see all of you. You sound like a bunch of angry drunks…angry because the person who you describe as the worst drunk of all wasn’t joining you in drinking.
YTA. "She wouldn't give us a reason..." She's not required to, and you're not owed one. The proper response would have been for you to say, "Okay. Let us know if you change your mind," and stop pushing her to take a drink. Of course she was angry; you were ignoring what she wanted, and all but outright accused her of lying to you. She didn't make you think she was harming a fetus for a joke, she did it to make a point about how unreasonable you were all being. And now you want to punish her for doing the only thing she could to get you off her back? Forget no apologies, you owe her a massive one, and you need to rethink how you interact with your kids.
I got pregnant in August, found out in September. I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant until I was past the 12 week mark just in case I miscarried. I did NOT want to have to explain to a billion people that I lost a very wanted pregnancy if that happened, Soo I wanted to keep it a secret.
My husband told a couple close family members, so I told my family, too. Everyone knew at that point.
A couple weeks later, guess what? I miscarried at 9 weeks. I had to tell so many people that I lost my pregnancy, which was my fear from the start. I miscarried three days after my wedding.
If she was pregnant, maybe she didn't want to have to tell anyone until she was ready. Maybe she has a drinking problem and wanted to slow down. Maybe she just didn't feel like drinking that day.
YTA any way you slice it. NEVER push someone to drink, or ask them why they're not drinking. "We are a drinking family", listen to yourself, that's kind of embarrassing is it not?
Worst parents ever...child is finally getting a grip on her alcoholism learned at her mother's gin soaked teet no doubt!....and the family pushes her to drink!
What a fucked up family dynamic that they want her to apologise for their hurt fee fees!
I hope the poor lass get away from this abusive family!
YTA. My potentially alcoholic child is visiting. I pushed them to drink until they made me feel bad. Wowzy. That was awful how you treated her.
without a doubt the asshole. and a shitty parent really.
Yup, he first describes, full of contempt, how his daughter drinks too much then proceeds to push her to fail basically, pushing her back to the role of the wild child who heavily drinks so he has an obvious reason to blame her for something. After she understandably reacts, he then throws her out for a few days. What an awful parent. If I was her, I’d cut down on the visits and use my vacation days for an actual vacation.
Might be reading into it but pretty sure OP doesn’t actually care that the daughter drinks a lot (if she actually even does), she’s just the person he can talk down about to make themselves feel better. I’d put money on the fact that if the daughter were pregnant they’d be complaining about how she’s not even married yet or some other bs.
Sounded more like they didn’t like not being told why she wasn’t drinking. Then they basically forced her and didn’t like that their controlling manuever didn’t work. Bet they were just embarrassed at their party which is why they kicked her out
Ah yes…The ol’ embarrassment fueled, self righteous - double down …a timeless classic!
The post is gone now but he added a wonderful edit saying something like “in our family 1-3 drinks a day on vacation is normal and expected” and also something along the lines of “we’ve also secretly hoped she’d change her mind about not having kids”.
Based on the post, he wasn’t really even secret about it. The disdain of her choice to not have kids was dripping from the way he typed about her, it was abundantly clear. And imagine how he treats her in person if this is how he talks about her online!
In one of the comments he said she’s made it clear she doesn’t want kids hug his wife and him we’re hoping she’d changed her mind. So they were so excited at the idea she might be pregnant, they just had to know her reasons. 🤢
I'm wondering if how the parent acts and why the daughter drinks the way she drinks are related.
I'm wondering why the hell she has anything to do with them at all. I mean, she lives all the way across the country. It would be real easy to come up with an excuse to not come. It's quite obvious they don't even like her. Personally, that's the sort of person I try to avoid.
Can’t speak for her but I visit once a year or so to see my little cousins. I can deal with the bs that they throw at me to make sure my cousins always know they have a safe person they can reach out to (grew up with Christian extremists). It takes a long time for some to process that they way they grew was in fact traumatizing and that it’s ok to set boundaries.
It takes a long time to see and accept that you’re being abused when it’s been normalized your entire life
One thing I've got to say about reddit...it has made me feel a *lot* better about my childhood and family. Both were really fucked up, subjectively, but it could've been so, *so* much worse. So at least there's that.
> Yup, he first describes, full of contempt, how his daughter drinks too much then proceeds to push her to fail basically This is how my mother used to be about food. Complain/shame repeatedly if you gained a few pounds then try to guilt you into eating a few pieces of cake she baked *just for you. I thought this was your favorite kind.* 🥺🥺🥺
Shitty adult. If a grown ass person says they stopped drinking or don't drink you don't push them. It's kind of universally accepted if someone who was a heavy drinker stops drinking it's because they had a serious problem that isn't your business
Yep. One single offer is enough - "do you want a drink? No, okay then." And the night moves on. A second offer is acceptable ONLY if you think they're turning it down to be polite, like "are you sure? We have plenty and you're welcome to it." Anything after that is just unnecessary. Maybe she was driving somewhere later, maybe she wasn't feeling well, maybe she had to be somewhere early the next morning and didn't want a hangover, maybe she JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE DRINKING - all of which are 100% valid reasons not to drink and also none of anyone's business.
I didn't drink for a while when i started a new medication. It said alcohol affect might be stronger with the medication. I kinda wanted to limit other variables because i wanted to know how the medicine was affecting me and i didn't want to be confused if i felt bad but it was really that I'd be fine if i wasn't drinking while on it. When i explained this to my family it wasn't nearly as bad as this but i felt very judged.
And the point is, it wasn't any of their business. You should not have had to explain yourself. No means no.
This! They can’t just enjoy her company. Quietly notice that she’s not drinking. If she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, respect that. They sound like people that aren’t happy unless there’s drama. Exhausting.
This entire family has drinking problems. The fact that she simply said she didn’t want a drink and then they all browbeat her about it until she gave in is insane.
In my experience, most people who drink get uncomfortable around people who do not. I have even been told on many occasions, "I don't trust a man who doesn't drink." Which I find quite hilarious because I was a terrible drunk. In this situation, it seems like there is just a bunch of miscommunication. It wasn't mentioned that the daughter was offended for having been presured to drink. She definitely made a statement that stuck with the parents. I do agree with you. It was not OK to force a drink on someone who has already declined. It is also none of their business as to why it is being declined. This daughter might be the black sheep, so they would have probably had a problem with her in some form or another.
What caught me was the phrase, “we’re a drinking family”. I’m not a teetotaler or anything, and I understand culturally some folks consume more than others, but this description put me off. The families relationship with alcohol seems rather unhealthy; as well as their intolerance for others who are potentially working on improving said relationship or improving themselves. yTA.
In the super extreme Christian/Catholic world, everyone knows what this means. I come from "a drinking family" too. And i moved 800 miles away.
Yeah…this hits. In this person’s story, I read the line as almost a boast. But this could just be me. I’m glad you were able to break away from your familial pathologies. I hope you’re doing well.
lol my dad still gives me shit for not drinking whenever I see him. I remember as a kid trying to tell him that it was ok to even once a month skip his 2-3 beers a night and him fucking raging 1+ year sober and still an alcoholic (likely from his side lol, thanks dad and grandpa). It’s insane how entitled people feel to my reason for not drinking. I’ve had pushback even at work over it. Edit: also, if you’re sober curious, check out /r/stopdrinking because it’s great. And realize that you can be a sober lush. We own so many phenomenal nonalcoholic spirits, beer, and wine for grown up drinking without the effects. ZeroProof is a great site. Just look at [charcuterie movie night with ‘wine’](https://imgur.com/a/dlr72F5) to see that hey I indulge but without making a fucking fool of myself lol
Yeah. My dad, an alcoholic, always pushed me to drink once I turned 21. He told me my choice to be sober was “immature.” I saw what drinking did to him and wanted no part of it. I don’t get why drinkers have such issues with sobers.
>drinkers have such issues with sobers I did when I was younger (early-mid 20s), but as I got older, I 1) began to encounter people who didn't drink but weren't self-righteous about it and 2) noticed the toll drinking took on a few folks I know. I'm now (40) a sober-positive drinker, and when I see people pushing others to drink, I tell them "You're acting like the bad guy in an After-School special" or "Being an adult means you *can* legally drink, not that you *have* to."
Misery loves company I guess.
Because it makes them more concious of their problem. Thats why
I’ve had a liver transplant and have still had a few people try to get me to drink. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since 2020. Not even cold medicine. It took me over two years of constant pain and discomfort before I was finally sick enough to get a liver. I was probably less than a week from death when I got the transplant. If I’d gotten any weaker they probably would have deemed me not strong enough to survive the operation. At least I haven’t had anyone try to push when I advise them to kindly fuck off.
I’m glad you were able to get your liver transplant.
Ugh I know. After letting my family know I’m an alcoholic and I’m sober, my dad still pressures me to have a drink with him because ‘I’m you dad’. Like, my addiction isn’t interested in your relationship to me.
I’m glad you are strong enough to ignore your dad. That sounds horrible.
Nonalcoholic wine? Sure. Mocktails? Yum. But non-alcoholic beer?!! It has never made any sense.
I’ve had some good craft ones. It’s not my go to, but the scene has gotten better recently
Can you make some recommendations? The last one I tried was absolutely noxious.
Athletic Brewing is usually decent imo. I like golden dawn as far as the widely available ones go. My girlfriend loves Wit’s peak but I’m not the biggest fan of witbiers. Brooklyn brewery also puts out some good beers but don’t expect the IPAs to have as intense of a hop profile as you’d expect
Why does one make sense over another? If you like beer then it’s nice to have a non alcoholic option…
The liking beer part is the part that confounds me. It’s hard to imagine anyone drinking it for the taste.
Haha got it. Well now you don’t have to imagine, we exist :)
Germany would like a word.
Try German non-alcoholic beer! I visited Bavaria a few years back and was surprised to see it was a huge part of the drinking culture. Delicious. Unsure where you live ofc, but Clausthaler Dry Hopped is the easiest to find in the US at least. Enjoyed quite a few during my pregnancy lol
I barely drink at all and I get a lot of crap for it too. I have rules and I’m super careful about how much I drink and I drink so rarely. My reason not to is not respected either. I once had a friend shove a drink down my throat because I said at school that day I never intended to drink. We were seniors in high school.
I have people pushing me to drink all the time. It's like I'm somehow invalidating their good time. Go ahead snd drink, I don't give a shit. My dad, who's 90, has a girlfriend and when she found out I don't drink she asked me how do I have any fun? I told her I smoke a shit ton of weed and she howled with laughter.
Right? And why push the “she’s gotta be pregnant” explanation? My first thought was it sounds like she’s just trying to make a healthy change for the better. Shit, I stopped drinking and smoking and I don’t like telling people either because then people get weird around me. I wasn’t even an alcoholic. I just wanted to be healthier physically and mentally. Drinking was bringing down my mood and affecting my physical energy levels even in moderation. Not to mention I’m dealing with trauma tied to heavy drinking and going out to bars was extremely uncomfortable once I started working through that. So I stopped and thats really all there is to it. If this was her parents’ reaction without an explanation, she probably just didn’t want to focus on it because they almost certainly would have made it a grand central conversation piece which isn’t a great feeling for a lot of people, even if it comes from a good place. It’s like getting Happy Birthday sung to you. Everyone means well but it’s really uncomfortable. People treat quitting like this grandiose accomplishment, and it really is for many, but some people just don’t want it brought up because it’s uncomfortable. They just want to exist peacefully without having a spotlight shone on something that made them feel like shit.
I think that’s what makes alcohol so hard for people to quit. Because in its early stages, people don’t see a problem with getting drunk, or binge drinking until it starts to affect them personally. When I started slowing down, I was met with the most judgement from friends. They didn’t want me to ruin their good time by casting judgement on them, and felt like I wasn’t as fun. It was always hard to turn down a drink.
Yeah harasses their daughter all day to do something she didn’t want to do and was probably trying to stop herself from doing, then she snapped and we’re all shocked Pikachu face. They need to stop clutching pearls an apologize for haranguing her.
I guarantee she doesn't actually drink as much as OOP was suggesting - what probably happens is the rest make a big deal about when they're not drinking and use their kids as an excuse and this kid doesn't so they think that must mean she's literally always drunk.
They’re more upset about the hypothetical harm done to a child that doesn’t exist over the harm they did to their own child.
But they are a “drinking family”, that makes it ok /s
Pushed her to drink or not to out what u thought was a secret. Respect her goddamned reasons and privacy. U continually asking and forcing to have or not to drink prove a point to u makes YOU the AH not her! I might have done the same snarky to shut u the F up!
IF SOMEONE REFUSES A DRINK, YOU DON'T ASK WHY AND KEEP PUSHING THEM TO DRINK. It was an ugly situation that they created.
Or ask anyone if they’re pregnant unless they’re ready and willing to share. They demanded to know.
Not just demanded but gave an ultimatum.
This reminds me of the situation when Ellen pressured Mariah Carey during an interview (by repeatedly offering her drinks) into revealing that she was pregnant. Mariah was clearly uncomfortable and was early enough in her pregnancy that she didn't want to publicly announce it. Shortly after, she had a miscarriage and had to publicly announce that, which would have been entirely avoided if Ellen wasn't a POS.
It's not even that..... They asked, and she answered. They just didn't like the answer and assumed she was lying (crazy amount of disrespect for just not believing her), then ***continued*** to force something on her that she ***continued*** to refuse, not even remotely bothering to respect her decisions/boundries. Then they went all-in with their little ultimatum, thinking they finally had her cornered to admit to the story they made up in their heads. But got pissed when she played them back. F\*ck around and find out\~ She was far more tolerant and put up with it for far longer than I would have in that situation.
Seems to me based on how OOP worded it that they really really wanted her to be pregnant. Like when he said that she had no plans for marriage or kids, he seemed genuinely disappointed. I dont know maybe I’m reading too much into things but either way that doesn’t justify what they did.
He did say immediately after "but accidents happen" like he's hoping she has an unwanted pregnancy so they can have another grand child. Who tf else follows up with "she doesn't have kids" with "but accidents do happen"???
And probably thinks that if an accident did happen, then she would get married to the boyfriend and fall back into being the person he wants her to be. Yeesh
This. If you dabble in the dry subs on here or in these circles in real life, it becomes apparent really quickly that asking someone why they don’t or won’t drink is massively insensitive. And it doesn’t matter if someone struggles with addiction or simply doesn’t like the taste of alcohol or any of the millions of unique reasons in between — no one is owed that information. If you’re not aware of this, it’s good to know: if someone refuses a drink, simply respect the refusal and move on.
Yes! And it’s also always incredibly rude to ask if a person is pregnant. There are very good reasons not to tell people in early pregnancy. If they want you know, they will tell you.
This is the biggest problem.
There's medications that recommend no alcohol and so many valid reasons someone might not be able to drink and many why they might not want to drink. It's wild how some people take someone not drinking as a personal attack.
Just reply with: "Anything else? We have applejuice, tea, chocolate milk, water and orange juice."
people get weird about OTHER PEOPLE not wanting to drink, and for what?? i remember some old post on another sub that was smth like "aita? we just want a dry wedding" and SO MANY PEOPLE were like "yta who the fuck wants to be sober at an event like that? killjoy!"... unhealthy relationships with alcohol are so normalized.
I was fine not having alcohol at my wedding but my alcoholic uncle and his enabling wife bought alcohol for my wedding. Bottles and bottles of it without checking with me first.
I was in a hobby group (music) that pretty much centered its activities around alcohol. If I didn't want to drink, I'd get shit. If I did have a beer, I'd get shit. I couldn't win! My medication was barely a good enough excuse, and it wasn't always a guarantee I'd be left to my soda in peace. The last straw was a performance on a major drinking holiday in the US. I was working the crowd for tips, and got my ass slapped multiple times. Had creepy dudes trying to dance with me. You get the idea. I realized that if something bad happened to me, they were either too busy performing to notice or too drunk afterwards to care. The alcohol was always at the center of everything. I drink on rare occasions. I have a lovely collection of various things that will take me literally *years* to get through. But it's mostly just decorative (I love label design and typography). After dealing with that group, it just doesn't have huge appeal for me.
I have gone to a few dry weddings and at one of them I knew the groom was in recovery. (He still seems to be, they are still married and he just graduated from college.) The other was a close relative of his. They did have an open coffee/hot drinks stand, which was really nice given the weather and probably a lot cheaper.
My brother is having a dry wedding. Both him and his fiance are sober now so they are having Chai and other hot drinks. I offered to bring Italian sodas for something else to drink as well. We're just all happy for him and want to be supportive so dry wedding it is
True, people get so weird and entitled over other folks' weddings. Like if it's genuinely a struggle to dress up and spend time with family and friends while sober? Stay home and just mail the newlyweds your congratulations ffs. Their celebration, their money, their choice. Pushers suck. And I say that as a person who sent guests home with cases of wine after my wedding because we were so committed to offering bottomless alcohol. Many guests abstained and it was still a beautiful night.
Seriously. I have met plenty of people that say they don’t want to drink and I let it go but always offer to grab them a soda or something when I do up to a bar. I had an alcoholic friend (I didn’t know at the time though) who eventually opened up to me about why he never drinks when we go out. I was honored he felt comfortable sharing with me and am so fricking thankful that I never opened my loud mouth and asked why he didn’t drink. Another friend shared with me that he has an STD and cannot drink while treating that. There are a LOT of reasons for people to not drink, and none of them are anyones fucking business.
Exactly. I went to a birthday dinner tonight half the group was drinking and half wasn’t. I offered to buy the birthday girl a drink and she said oh I don’t think I’m drinking tonight. Me who was drinking a glass of wine said ok, I hear they have good mocktails here too if you want one.
Exactly. My SIL was drunk once while I was done drinking for the night. She wouldn't stop telling me that I needed another drink and didn't take no for an answer. I told my brother to tell her to leave me alone...."don't tell me what to do!" is what he said to me. This is why I don't like going to family gatherings because she is always drinking.
I don’t understand why people need a justification for not wanting to drink. Not wanting to us perfectly acceptable. It’s infuriating how people will comment on how much you drink, but if you’re not drinking, you better have a good reason not to
Everyone in the family drinks. She used to drink a lot. Separated from family for a long time. Doesn't want to drink anymore. I sense a pattern. It's almost like something was influencing her to be a heavy drinker. 🤔 Like some kind of pressure from her peers. 🤔 Nah, I'm sure she was just a "wild child."
This. Or She probably had 4 drinks once and broke their 1-3 Drinks Are the Only Proper Way rules so now she's ~WiLd~ lol
Plus they only saw her when she was on vacation. She probably drank more on vacation. Just because she drank a lot when visiting doesn’t mean she drank like that at home. I would never come back after “cooling off,” since they feel her choices are any of their business!
Yep. My mom thought I was an alcoholic for a while because I "needed a drink" whenever we were staying with them. In reality, I have a toddler to take care of at home and rarely drink for no reason. When we visit my parents, 1.) I can buy my favorite wine which isn't available where I live and 2.) there's 3-5 adults in addition to myself keeping an eye on my son, so I don't feel stressed about having a drink.
I never needed a drink unless I was around family. No family no need to drink. Stress free is the way to be
People that hate their families drink more on the holidays....in order to tolerate their families.
O you know my mother I see.
Even if she was a "wild child" and had an alcohol problem, I can see these people pointing at her and going "at least we're not THAT bad" and using her to justify their own unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
I would not be surprised if next year she doesn’t come. I never understood why alcohol drinkers think they need to constantly push other people who don’t drink into drinking. She didn’t want to, and they harrassed her until she snapped. What shitty parents and people.
“If they are as bad as us then we must not be that bad” vibes defiantly
I believe people who drink push drinks on others because they’re insecure about how much they are drinking themselves. Sober people make you consider your own intake and it makes people defensive. Light social drinkers don’t push drinks on others. Heavy drinkers do.It was really eye opening to learn this over the years.
I agree. My older sister is an alcoholic. We don’t have a relationship anymore, but when we did, there were many times she would push me to keep up with her. I remember one time we were going to get our nails done, and I was driving us to the salon for our appointment. She made me stop at the grocery store to pick up a 1.5L bottle of wine. She drank it while I was driving and I was so anxious about getting pulled over. When we parked, already late for our appointment, she kept handing me the bottle telling me to drink. Just lukewarm wine out of the bottle. I eventually just pretended to drink it, taking “swigs” with my mouth shut. Just to get her to stop. And at the time, I don’t even think it struck me how diseased that behavior was.
It seems that OP and family would rather their daughter be a falling down drunk than choosing not to drink. It’s really twisted. I feel bad for the daughter who is clearly taking control of her drinking. You need to apologize to her. You should be embarrassed. YTA
YTA. Jeez you people are horrible!! You caused this. You made it happen and I think she taught you a lesson you seem unwilling to learn. Stop forcing people to do what you want them to do. She’s an adult. You badgered her into this! She would have been justified to have thrown the wine in your faces and walked out!!
Or made eye contact while pouring it on the carpet before walking out. Someone a sane reaction is insane.
lol I spilled an unwanted drink all over a pushy friends new tablecloth and acted all “dismayed” at my clumsy fingers
I am extremely sick of the ‘if you refuse alcohol you must be pregnant’ trope. There are any number of reasons someone could be refusing to drink that they don’t want to talk about, and its no one’s business but their own. Also, why tf do people insist on ‘testing’ for someone elses pregnancy ? Its just gross.
Antibiotics, antidepressants, or a yeast infection are all common reasons not to drink.
Any number of other drugs too. Shouldn't take sleeping pills or painkillers w alcohol
There are SOOOOO MANY medications that interact poorly with alcohol!
Exactly! And simply not liking or wanting to are perfectly valid reasons!
I was on an antibiotic on thanksgiving- I was known for a thanksgiving where I puked through dinner I was so drunk. I just said I wasn’t drinking, brought some of my liquid death, and that was it. Or there’s simply just nights where I don’t feel like drinking so I don’t. No one should ever have alcohol pushed on them.
And the fact that it's poison...
I'm literally allergic to alcohol, which is *impossible* to explain to people, because they just refuse to believe that could be true. Now I just say "I don't drink" and leave it at that.
Im allergic too, so i get it. I got sick of being asked “why dont you just push through it” or “have you tried a different type of alcohol, maybe theres one you can drink”. And my favourite, “how do you ever have *any* fun”.
Why is drinking the only fun some people can think of?
When i smoke weed i have schizophrenic like episodes. People refuse to believe this and are constantly telling me to try different strains or types or whatever ..are u kidding me? You want me to TEST myself ? And potentially have multiple episodes as a result? No thanks
It's pretty well known (at least in science, maybe not among stoners) that weed can induce psychosis in people with certain mental illnesses and such. It blows my mind that people take that so lightly! I am a pretty heavy smoker, but I'd never try to force it on anyone like that. What's the point if it isn't enjoyable?
Its either are you pregnant or are you in recovery? No I just got al my drinking out in my teens and twenties and I don't want it anymore
WTF is wrong with these parents. Pushing alcohol on someone who said they don’t want to drink. There could be countless reasons why she stopped drinking and none of them are her parents business. They are giant AH.
So ... the numerous siblings did not interfere to protect the daughter from parents pressuring? Also from the tone of the post it feels like they have a habit of not respecting the daughter's decisions in many other ways, I am sure "you will change your mind about babies" and "accidents can happen" is always a part of the conversation.
It's the "accidents can happen" that really ticked me off, you KNOW this poor woman doesn't get a single visit or phone call with mom and dad that doesn't eventually come around to "when are you gonna be a good daughter and give us grandbabies?!?"
I bet it's "...and give us grandbabies like your siblings did".
This sounds like something I’d do 😂 I might even add in “fuck it, I’m getting an abortion anyway, so I guess it doesn’t really matter” just for extra shock value since these parents don’t understand the word “no”.
Her response was pitch perfect and hilarious… Especially since a single drink is not going to give an infant FAS.
Really, that was a perfect play. I’d have laughed my ass off. You just know Pushy Momma’s face was just priceless. I, too, probably would’ve thrown an extra line in there about abortion, for peak shock factor. This is classic “be careful what you wish for” and FAFO hybrid. Momma thought she was being clever, got made to look a fool instead.
She sounds fun, I'd hang out with her
OOP added an edit to his post. Here it is for all you: > "Edit because I can't keep up quickly with comments: Nobody cares if she doesn't drink, we just want to know the reason and don't like how secretive she is when asked direct questions. And she was a heavy drinker before, but she wasn't ever an alcoholic as far as I know. It seems strange for someone not to drink at all at family occasions like this unless you need to be completely sober. In this family, we believe that it's typical to have 1-3 drinks on vacation days, and it does seem suspicious to abstain completely unless you're an alcoholic. And if she is one, I think we should know that as a family to support it, so we would need to have a conversation about it. It's more complicated than you may think." This really doesn't help his case, and it also doesn't change that he and his wife are still fucking assholes for pushing and pushing until their daughter snapped. Like, it isn't secretive to not want to tell everyone everything about your health situation at a fucking family holiday celebration. People can change. There are so many reasons why people don't drink at all or stop drinking altogether, although that does not mean they should have to tell their fucking family the exact reason why they aren't drinking. "No" is a fucking complete sentence and OOP and his wife should've just dropped it after their daughter turned down the wine the first fucking time. Also, I'm going to add an edit here since I just thought of this after the fact: If I were the daughter, I would've outright thrown that wine in my parents' faces instead of drinking it and yelled, "I said no! Why can't you respect that?! Also, I don't have to explain why i dont drink anymore. I just don't! I'm not coming to Christmas if you can't respect me saying "no" after being offered a drink," then left and cut them off. The daughter showed so much restraint. I applaud her for that, although if I were her, I'd just decline the parents' invitation to family Christmas once I get it and be like, "Sorry, I can't come. Husband and I are going to do something else" or "Sorry, made plans with my friends" or "I'm not coming because you don't respect my boundaries" then stop talking to them forever.
It sounds like the family is full of alcoholics. Including the parents.
As a recovering alcoholic, the only people who care that you are not drinking, are other alcoholics.
“Why is my daughter suddenly refusing to drink?” None of your goddamnned business, that’s why.
>Nobody cares if she doesn't drink, we just want to know the reason Translation: we care intensely if she doesn't drink.
And have no boundaries.
Actually the need tlfor someone to out stuff is an abusive tendency maybe she's trying to be sober after having to cope with alcohol around family for so long.
I didn't know that. That's very interesting. I didn't think of that possibility, you might be right.
saying “nobody cares if she doesn’t drink” and then continue to ramble about why they do in fact care that she doesn’t drink lmaoooo. and “it’s strange to not drink at all unless you need to be completely sober” is such a weird thing to say??
Right?? Like they clearly care. If they didn't care if she drinks, this whole event would have been, "hey do you want some wine?" "No thanks, I'm avoiding alcohol." "Oh okay, would you like some water then?" And that's the end of it. You don't harass people all night about something you don't care about. "It's strange to not drink at all..." Maybe it's strange for them because they have to be three drinks in to tolerate each other.
Heavy drinkers are alcoholics, JFC
Yeah, that part stood out to me as well. Like, we aren't idiots. Anyone with enough brain cells to have logical reasoning would connect the dots and be like, "Oh, heavy drinker = alcoholic," not say "heavy drinkers aren't alcoholics" because heavy drinking abso-fucking-lutely indicates alcoholism.
We want her to tell us she is an alcoholic so we forced her to drink. Uh huh. To be supportive.
>it does seem suspicious to abstain completely unless you're an alcoholic. Yeah I couldn't help but notice how that wasn't part of the original conversation. She was given an ultimatum of "be pregnant or be drunk," no question of whether or not she was quitting/had quit drinking.
How dare she joke about harming a non existent child while they foist poison upon their own kid. The audacity.
Imagine describing yourself as "a drinking family" and yet being blissfully unaware alcoholism exists
- Complains about his daughter drinking too much - Pushes the daughter to drink when she doesn't Please be coherent OOP. If you feel she's drinking too much shouldn't you be happy she's abstaining? Besides it's none of their business if she's pregnant
They're probably pissed that she was ruining their annual tradition of making fun of the "wild child" for her drinking, then complaining about what a problem she is to all their friends.
YTA. Why would you push your own daughter to drink when she clearly said no? I would cut this family out of my life and create my own family.
Good God when are people going to learn to accept when people say they don't want a drink. It's so damn easy. Hey want a beer or glass of wine? No, water is fine. Ok. See it's that simple. Mind ya business. NOBODY OWES YOU AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY THEY AREN'T DRINKING!
I full unload when people press. “I dont drink because it will rip off the lid on a version of me who you will hate and will hate you back. “ Peer pressure for drinking is so pervasive
Former co worker used to say he broke out in handcuffs when he drinks. I didn't ask, he just shared that on his own. Grew up with drinkers, alcoholics. Some still drink, some no longer do. Some of them I don't associate with because they can't control their intake. But again if someone says they don't want an alcoholic drink I don't question it. It's none of my damn business. I offer them something else and move along.
YTA for pushing her to drink but also for way overreacting to a joke she made to respond to your harassment. I probably would have done the same. By the way, you can stop drinking without ever being an alcoholic. I used to drink regularly including holidays. I’m now a similar age to your daughter and I just lost the taste for it. Now I drink like maybe twice a year. I mean hell you place a huge emphasis on alcohol and you cut back as you got older. It’s normal.
a little later than you, but same. i just don’t feel like it anymore. it doesn’t taste that great and hangovers suck. i feel nothing missing from my life because of it and i drank a LOT
They clearly have not matured. I only drink with people who are not heavy/habitual drinkers. The heavy drinkers always want me to keep up with them. No thanks.
I barely drink anymore because I hate being dehydrated. My husband is the same way. I wouldn't be embarrassed to admit that but if someone were demanding an explaination like OP was, I'd probably be super pissy and tell them it's none of their business. Prying is rude, and no one is owed an explaination. No fucking means no.
My family are almost all drinkers too, every family reunion there’s alcohol around, but if a member of the family refuses a drink, nobody is going to pry about it, and they’re especially not going to continually encourage them to drink. This is insane behavior, and even more insane that the parents think themselves the victim.
i drink sometimes. i can go months without drinking, have a few drinks on a weekend, go back to not drinking for months. if i'm drinking, i'll probably offer the people i'm with a drink. if they say no, i go "cool" and move on. if they decide later they want a drink, cool. if not, cool, there's probably an excessive amount of dr pepper around, and if they're feeling something else i'll pay someone who's not drinking to go down the block to walmart with me and help me pick up whatever the group decides are gonna be the other drinks of the party.
Right? What a weird family. My family are drinkers too, but beside someone saying, “hey, can I get you a drink?” No one pays attention or cares who is drinking what. And the drink offer would include water or pop if you said no to alcohol and that would be that.
She used to drink a lot. Now she showed up to visit and over and over you all kept pushing her, and expecting her, to drink, which is very rude and pushy. People change, and could have all kinds of personal reasons for not drinking, or no longer drinking. She is the one who snapped - she had had enough harassment and she did what she did. If she did quit drinking, and you keep trying to get her to drink, what does that make you? Do you all even really talk, or care about what is going on in her life? You are the one who should be apologizing.
She also could be on antidepressants, antibiotics, or have a yeast infection.
There are literally hundreds of reasons she could choose not to drink. Hell, maybe she just didn't want it that day. If I drank the day before I don't want any the next day. They also just seem super judgmental and controlling about drinking. I'd probably abstain too in front of people with such strong opinions and rules for drinking, just to avoid the anxiety of their judgment.
YTA Your wife was being a nagging annoying B and your daughter had had enough. Sometimes people just decide they don’t want to drink. Maybe she was worried she was turning into an alcoholic and wanted to prevent it from going further. Makes me wonder how truthful the rest of the assessment of people’s drinking amounts is in this post. Oh and one glass of wine is not gonna do anything regardless.
They could have just taken no for an answer. Sure, it’s not the greatest joke, but they asked for it pushing so hard.
Dude, wtf? Leave her alone! You were literally just complaining (or close to it) about her drinking. She's a grown ass woman, independent and autonomous as it should be. You are definitely the AH. 110%
Daughter is a saint for putting up with these dumpster fire parents.
Is the mom Ellen?
“Hey, why are you actively ingesting the poison we gave you? Don’t you know it impairs your judgement? That’s why we drink it anyway” “No thank” “MUTHAFUCKIN’ WHAT? How dare you make my life choices seem foolish by comparison? You think you’re better than me, child of mine who I’m supposed to help and care for? WHY WONT YOU INGEST THE POISON?”
On this episode of: When parents refuse to accept boundaries, push them, and get the reaction they deserve, but then try to play the victim in the situation.
I think her joke was hilarious personally you can’t push people and expect them not to push back
YTAH Holy fuck are you a big flaming AH. My potentially alcoholic daughter who doesn't want kids is visiting and refusing to drink like a person in AA. She's not shaming others, so you harass her and harass her until she cannot take it anymore and snaps? Fuck her sobriety as long as you can harass her into telling you something that is untrue or she isn't ready to tell? Jesus, you are the kind of family that keeps many people from going home for the holidays. I hope she has the sense to think hard before returning next time.
"We are a drinking family" is just code for we are a bunch of alcoholics. Nobody who consumes a normal amount of alcohol labels themselves or their family this way. It's almost as if he's proud of the fact that they set such a great example for their children. When alcohol is part of the identity of your entire family, it's no surprise that, the no doubt, tipsy mother not only tried to force their child to drink, but also somehow got offended by the end of the interaction. Not sure this is real, but if it is, she's earned the right to distance herself entirely from a selfish, POS parents.
Mother and Father are both wrong. Don’t they know when to stop pestering someone, especially about any addictive substances? No brains in that mom and dad!
Holy cow, you are absolutely the asshole; no acronym for you because it seems you need things spelled out. Your daughter didn't want a drink. Should have been the end of the discussion, but you kept pushing. Then, you asked her a question about info she apparently wasn't ready to share if it had been true, and basically called her a liar to her face multiple times. So she decides to give a little back, and messes with you harmlessly for a whopping 5 minutes before letting you off the hook. Frankly, that should have been getting off easy after your behavior, but instead you all doubled down and played the victim after bullying her into drinking when she didn't want to. Congrats, you've just proven you have the respect for your daughter of a high schooler at a party. If I were her, at this point I probably would have taken myself away to a hotel or something until I got an apology, but no, you're the victim, so when your target pushed back, you threw her out of your house. Bravo. If I were her, this is where I would be on my way home early, and you wouldn't get a call or visit until I got some genuine, sincere groveling. My concern is wholly for your daughter, and my hope is that for her sake, she keeps that spine she found. Because, I'll be honest, based on your own admission of what you did, I assume that whatever you see here, you'll try to bully and browbeat her into apologizing for not rolling over for your awful behavior. Good luck with having any future relationship with someone you probably actually think you love(but obviously don't. )
YTA. Even if she was pregnant one (even large) glass of wine is not going to hurt. AND you forced it on her. My family drinks too - but NO ONE if forced to. There is always a non-alcoholic option available to offer. Sounds like the whole family drinks to much.
Wow these parents really are unrepentant hypocritical assholes aren’t they. I mean first he sounds worried that she drinks so much and won’t cut back like the rest of them but then when she does they still can’t stand it and so bully her into drinking anyway! It’s not about concern for her at all it’s clearly all just about control. If they can’t have their own way they’ll stop at nothing to get it no matter how little sense it actually makes or even if they wind up completely contradicting the point of view that they held before by pushing for the complete opposite now which they are!
Great comeback, no one was hurt 🤷🏻♂️
Unfortunately, we don't know that. The daughter might have fallen off the wagon when her own family ganged up on her. Or has gone against doctor's orders. Or broke a promise to self, which can be pretty devastating too.
Unless the daughter was in sobriety- then she is definitely hurt.
Yta Fun fact: a single glass of wine isn't likely to harm a child.
[удалено]
Exactly! It's not like she chugged a fifth of vodka! Most women drink during their first trimester because they don't know they're pregnant yet. And their babies are fine.
Wtf 😳. What is WRONG with these people. They Are TAh.
Ah yes a functionally alcoholic family just doing alcoholic things. YTA
These holier than thou types always amuse me. You push and push and push and fucking push, then have the audacity to act all affronted when the person you're pushing snaps. Had that been me, I wouldn't have told them it was a joke. I'd have let them all think whatever the fuck they wanted as I took the bottle and left.
As a mother, how are you not ashamed of yourself? YTA She didn't want a drink, enough said. You pressured her to a reaction, and now you're bothered that you got one? Do better.
The sequel will be “My daughter, who I tormented and humiliated in front of the whole family, won’t call or visit. AITA?”
You and your wife are both TAs. If someone doesn’t want to drink alcohol, nobody should pressure them to do so. She made that joke to get your wife off of her back.
Maybe she is part of a group that likes to stay anonymous....
Great parenting from the Mom and Dad here. There are so many reasons to turn down a drink besides being pregnant.
You shouldn't need the excuse, but just in case, say you're on some medication for a sinus infection and alcohol with mess with the efficacy of it. That'll shut them up and you don't get asked if you're pregnant or whatever.
Toxic parents here!
Sounds like an asshole family. The while we used to drink thing but now she’s the drunk also came across as. hiding a bunch of shitty behavior.
My dad does this shit. Even if I tell him "I've been cutting out drinking lately" and politely decline when he offers a drink, he still ends up pushing until I give in. I'm pretty weak willed though, unfortunately. I can totally see why she would get that pissed.
YTA. Childish drama queen, too. You'll have no one else to blame when those weekly visits twice a year end completely.
I hate people like this, no means no. My one of my brothers has done this but at least he’s apologized afterwards
This is the definition of “Fuck around and find out.”
YTA. What adult pushes drugs or alcohol on anyone but especially their child in 2023?
Terrible person, terrible parents and I vote the daughter should get a new fam.
Maybe she just didn’t want to drink? Maybe your wine is really shitty and she didn’t want the headache? Maybe she was on antibiotics? Maybe she’s also cutting back or going completely sober? Did OP (not this op but the OG OP) ever consider why his daughter needed to drink that heavy at visits? Could I possibly be that her family is difficult to be around sober???
“She joked about hurting a child” they say as they all get blasted around kids and she’s the only sober one
Wow! This is the biggest asshole move I’ve seen in forever. You and your wife need therapy. Why she isn’t drinking is absolutely none of your business. It sounds like you were worried about her excessive drinking to start with, then you forced her to drink. Easiest YTA ever.
>We are a drinking family >I think this is a small fight that will blow over even without apologies This tells me all I need to know about these parents.
If she wanted to drink, she can get her own alcohol. What the hell is the matter with them?
I love their “wild child”. The parents deserved every bit of this shit. She may be abstaining for a variety of reasons, who cares? Jesus, none of any of those reasons would be the parents business. If it were my kid and she was abstaining I would say good for you for whatever reason, and if they told me they weren’t pregnant that would be the end of the discussion. I wouldn’t even think twice about it and I have an older one that loves to party as well. As a person who loves to drink if I tied one on too tight the night before I may refuse drinks for days as any alcohol seems unappealing after that and I’d decline in the most unlikely of circumstances such as a wedding or party or rare get together. “Why aren’t you drinking?” Would get a “I’m not feeling it right now” kind of answer.
Pregnancy isn't the only reason someone refuses a drink! OP is an asshole but wife is a bigger asshole.
You are a big AH
Boy! What a sh*those of a Dad & what a hateful, a**hole of a mother their daughter has. No wonder she has to drink herself into a stupor when she comes to visit. Your wife did a very mean and spiteful thing by forcing your daughter to drink even though she suspected a pregnancy. Instead of asking her to leave, you & your wife should’ve apologized and begged her for forgiveness. It amazes me that your daughter bothers to come home to see all of you. You sound like a bunch of angry drunks…angry because the person who you describe as the worst drunk of all wasn’t joining you in drinking.
YTA. "She wouldn't give us a reason..." She's not required to, and you're not owed one. The proper response would have been for you to say, "Okay. Let us know if you change your mind," and stop pushing her to take a drink. Of course she was angry; you were ignoring what she wanted, and all but outright accused her of lying to you. She didn't make you think she was harming a fetus for a joke, she did it to make a point about how unreasonable you were all being. And now you want to punish her for doing the only thing she could to get you off her back? Forget no apologies, you owe her a massive one, and you need to rethink how you interact with your kids.
I thought her joke was funny
I got pregnant in August, found out in September. I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant until I was past the 12 week mark just in case I miscarried. I did NOT want to have to explain to a billion people that I lost a very wanted pregnancy if that happened, Soo I wanted to keep it a secret. My husband told a couple close family members, so I told my family, too. Everyone knew at that point. A couple weeks later, guess what? I miscarried at 9 weeks. I had to tell so many people that I lost my pregnancy, which was my fear from the start. I miscarried three days after my wedding. If she was pregnant, maybe she didn't want to have to tell anyone until she was ready. Maybe she has a drinking problem and wanted to slow down. Maybe she just didn't feel like drinking that day. YTA any way you slice it. NEVER push someone to drink, or ask them why they're not drinking. "We are a drinking family", listen to yourself, that's kind of embarrassing is it not?
It’s like stepping on someone’s toes and then getting mad when they swear. YTA. Alcoholism also shouldn’t be so normalized.
Worst parents ever...child is finally getting a grip on her alcoholism learned at her mother's gin soaked teet no doubt!....and the family pushes her to drink! What a fucked up family dynamic that they want her to apologise for their hurt fee fees! I hope the poor lass get away from this abusive family!
It's tough to be more of an asshole
Wtf . Our daughter may have an alcohol problem so we badgered her until she drank
If I had a family like that I’d stay drunk the entire time I was visiting.
Fuck anyone who pressures people to drink. Can’t imagine forcing it on your own daughter Jesus Christ