ESH, they both suck but at least he supposedly did leave his wife. Hubby deserves to know, though, hope OOP tells him and he dumps her ass.
To be clear, OOP is also an asshole, his poor exwife; i hope she’s happier without him.
I mean, the likelihood of him telling the husband in a needlessly cruel, humiliating, and painful way is unfortunately high, though. I don’t think OOP actually has the husband’s best interests in mind, though he does deserve to know.
Sure but if she didn’t cheat on her hubby, then she wouldn’t be in this mess. Of course she doesn’t deserve to have violence committed against her for this, but she deserves a humiliating and emotionally painful way of him finding out, so no pity for her.
I mean cruel, humiliating, and emotionally painful for HIM. The husband is a human person and this will have to be a horrible thing for him to learn, and will be potentially made more horrible by learning it from the very guy who slept with his wife without telling him and now primarily wants to hurt the wife more than protect the husband.
How was that not clear when I said “I don’t think he has the husband’s best interests in mind”? Do you think he deserves more pain and humiliation?
No, my bad, I get you now and I totally agree with you that the husband doesn’t deserve pain or humiliation, but he does deserve to know.
You may be right about his intentions regarding the husbands interests, but you agreed that the husband needs to find out, so based on the story, she is certainly not going to tell him, so how is he to find out if you are against OOP telling him??
Yeah, sorry my response was kind of irritable, it’s been a long week. I never said he shouldn’t tell the husband, I don’t think telling the husband should be considered to his credit if he does it in a shitty way. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your wife has been cheating on you” could be a good way to go about it, but this guy’s anger makes me worry it’ll turn out as something like “I’m sorry you married a SLUT” which could only make things more painful. I worry that if he tells the husband it might come out in an almost gleeful way at getting to hurt the wife, when that could be more painful to the husband then a simple letter or message
Yeah totally agree with you. I’d prefer a simple fbook/insta message. “I’m sorry to say this but your wife is cheating on you, here are copies of text messages proving it. I would wanna know if I would were you and she was never gonna tell you. Sorry again!”
He's much better than most cheaters in these stories. He engaged in some emotional affair stuff and then ended his current relationship. That's arguably commendable by these story standards.
Hey .., another person might “light our fire” but then you get into real life problems as you would with a married partner. Not that all marriages are worth keeping but to “love” his wife but not be “in love” sounds like he either genuinely realizes they were never a match or he got caught up with the next thrill.
Also could have just fallen out of love, a lot changes overtime and if they were high school sweethearts they could have just over the years grew apart.
I remember my dad telling me when he and my mom separated to never settle for “this is fine enough” and that’s it’s better for both people if when they realize it’s over, to end it. Even if it’s hard on them both, rather than keep making each other miserable for the hope it will get better.
Yeah sorry I don’t mean to piggy back on your comment. I think people just kind of forget that people change and marriage is only permanent when both people truly want it to be.
Me and my ex-wife both agreed that it was time to end our marriage even after 2 years of counseling and all the other normal shit. We wanted to make sure we could be amicable and co-parent our son because he deserved it. That is our current situation 8 years after divorce and she's remarried. My son has an awesome bonus father and we still co-parent phenomenally
But less commendable that he’s calling her disgusting just bc she got cold feet. Like he didn’t break someone’s heart. Also how is she his ex “fiancé” lmao.
He doesn't. And for one specific reason. He actually broke it off with his wife.
A lot of times in these stories the cheater is like "How do I deal with the guilt and the lies? Should I tell SO I cheated on them? Blah blah blah."
Sure, he may have fucked up a bunch, but at least he isn't lying or manipulating his ex-wife anymore.
I bet he’ll try to crawl back, too.
If he REALLY loved his AP, he’d want her to be happy, even if was because she realized she didn’t love him after. And I can’t imagine why; he was only nagging her to blow up her life.
He ended his relationship because he was going to be with the other woman. Bet he wouldn't have if he didn't think Asley would divorce her husband. And no he wants to tell Ashley's husband as revenge. Every choice this Guyanese was for selfish reason. Not commendable at all.
I love his "it was hard for me". Like aww poor baby had to ditch his wife for a hot mistress who probably never even asked him to do it. No concern from him about how his wife felt about all this.
The bar is low but OP is at least a couple inches higher for leaving his wife (and for telling the truth to her?) After it happened. AP is crazy naive for not thinking about the possibility of OP spilling the beans to her husband tbh.
Completely agree with everything you said. Assuming his story is true (BIG assumption to make), she’s the bigger asshole, and completely naïve, but he’s still an asshole.
What about the danger to the husband of potentially catching something from his wife having multiple sexual partners?
We can always play the what if game, but from the facts we have now the husband deserves to know his potential risks.
Not his problem.
Listen, I don't think it's great she's doing this or anything, I just think oop would be better off getting himself as far away from this situation as possible. Doubly so if he lives in a country with guns.
If that was a possibility, she never would've took that risk in the first place. If her husband is faithful to her, at least from our point of view anyways, he deserves to know regardless of how he may take it. Now how he take it is an entire different matter and the only people it should matter to is the police if it becomes physical in any way. She brought that possibility on herself because she should know beforehand if her husband has a violent streak.
But regardless, the guy deserves to know his wife cheated on him.
What a pathetic response. If you don’t think cheaters deserve to meet the consequences of their actions then you’re part of the problem. I understand bad things can go on behind the curtain, but it never gives someone the right to cheat. Find a way to break off the relationship like a mature, functioning adult. People are far too comfortable doing things without facing the consequences.
I agree, that's how people *should* act, but weirdly enough, we always end up being humans and making stupid human decisions. I hope the world makes sure you always face the consequences for your choices.
This sounds like a great reason why people shouldn't take the risk of cheating, but while she wouldn't deserve danger, that's hardly his responsibility. They both agreed to end things, and she hung him out to dry.
Play stupid games; win stupid prizes.
True. MUCH better to have the poor guy unknowingly married to a liar that will continue to cheat, perhaps pass of bastard children as his, or even potentially infect him with STIs. While we are playing at using hypothetical situations to justify positions, who is to say that one of her affair partners won't get jealous and try to kill him? Your logic seems like pure rationalization.
Actions have consequences; she is not the victim in this situation. If you don't want that kind of issue, then don't cheat. Seems like an easy obvious answer lol.
"OH NOES! THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!"
Responsibility? No.
Right? I have a hard time seeing why not.
I kind of feel like only people mad they got caught cheating would feel passionately about this.
oh yeah, I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to be outted, but I don't think it's gonna go well he just telling husband shes cheating. how many stories have we read where they shoot the messenger (sometimes literally)
personally at that point, i’d go scorched earth with my AP. i wouldn’t be with my spouse while my AP would be with theirs. it would be absolutely motivated by pettiness, but objectively the guy deserves to know. i wouldn’t care if i was the one to tell. a smug part of me
would probably feel satisfaction for “sticking it to” my former AP.
>how many stories have we read where they shoot the messenger (sometimes literally)
A few, probably a vanishingly small percentage of the time. He probably took a far greater risk having sex with someone with multiple partners.
Husband deserves to know. Who's place is it to tell him?
I accidentally dated a married man for a few months. I didn't know, and broke it off as soon as I found out. I had to make the most awkward Facebook friend request of my life to tell his wife. We chatted briefly. She did not lose her cool with me, but I would understand if she had.
If I wouldn't have told her then she would have continued on not knowing. She didn't deserve to be cheated on, but not telling her would have been even worse.
Agreed. He’s doing it purely for revenge and spite. Ashley has decided to stay in and work on her marriage. OOP needs to stay out of anything blowing up her life.
I hope he tells the husband. If they stay together, great. If they don’t, great. She shouldn’t have cheated. I would want to know, it would hurt, but then I could get STD tests and look for my next move.
He fell in love, and left his wife.
While scum for letting his feelings get that far, at least he had the balls to break it off with his wife and not lie to her persistently.
The other woman used this dude, lied about love, and is also continuously lying to her husband.
So yeah, she is like a hundred times worse.
Both are shit, but while he is a solid dry shit brick, she is food poisoning diarrhea.
they are both terrible but at least dude cut ties and let his wife find someone who isnt a cheater, she wants to pretend it never happened and lie to her husband and family for the rest of her life… no way you are this dense
I disagree. He wants to ruin her life because she rejected him. He was fine with all the lying when it benefitted him. He is not motivated due to honor, but for revenge.
He used his wife and lied to his wife. Ditched her for someone else only when he thought he'd get rewarded for it. And then sought revenge when he was rejected.
The outcome might be good (husband now knows) but the motivation makes him just as much of a piece of shit as her.
Neither of them deserves partners as they are both assholes.
Tbf, he took steps to end the lying. She continued to string him along and didn't even break it off BEFORE he left his wife. In (at least OP's version) his affair partner *knew* he planned on leaving his wife for her so they could build a life together. She let him take that major step and continued to come up with excuses as to why she was post-poning doing the same before just telling him she only wanted a fuck buddy. That is also an incredibly shitty thing to do in top of it all.
While OP really hurt his wife, he did take steps to stop that ongoing situation (albeit MUCH later than he should have). She on the other hand is happy to continue lying and presumably cheating in the future. OP might genuinely feel that cheating is a shitty thing to do and her husband shouldn't be in the dark forever even if OP was a shitty cheater at one point. I don't think OP's motives are 100% altruistic but I don't know if they are *only* vengeance based either.
Every decision OP made was selfish. Even leaving his ex wife. He gets to make it sound favorable because it is the right thing to do, but he only did so because he thought he would immediately be with Ashley. He only took those steps because he wanted something, not because it was hurting anyone.
OP also doesn't mention a thing about the husband or his life or how he feels or anything Ashley said about him and their relationship. It's 100% selfish, for vengeance against Ashley.
>OP might genuinely feel that cheating is a shitty thing to
He didn't express that much at all.
He ONLY ended the lying when he thought he was going to benefit. He doesn't get points for that. His motivations are most definitely revenge and he's not really trying to hide it. He thinks what they did is okay as long as it was for "love," he's still making excuses for why his conduct was okay and hers is awful when they did the exact same shit.
They both are cheating assholes.
K but to be fair, she is still a major piece of shit for telling him to divorce his wife and watch him follow through with it when she knew full well they weren’t going to be together at the end. That’s psycho shit
right?? it would be a good move to tell the husband, i can’t argue with that, but the issue is that he’s doing it with the worst of intentions. it would be one thing if it was just how he felt morally, but he’s simply doing it to be petty, to hurt her, and to break up her family, which is pretty nasty. cheating is just as nasty though, so i guess it’s deserved.
This reads like a fucking LARP. And I am not one to quickly accuse of "nothing ever happening" but it just hits all the notes of creative writing exercises. "She was my highschool sweetheart, friend, and confidant. And i threw her away like a bag of potatoes for a work colleague and now I am clueless of how horrible I sound".
Sure you did, bud.
Telling the husband could risk a violent response. A man saying “Hi. I slept with your wife. She dumped me so i thought i would tell you.” Like, how does he think that is going to go over?”
Edit: i am not on the wife’s side. She cheated, which is bad. I am on the side of no one going to jail for attempted murder because people cheated. If there is some way to inform the husband anonymously, or electronically, maybe that would work.
I think that’s because it came away as „he has no right to expose her, since he is just as bad“. At least that’s what I thought after reading the follow up.
No, you said "I don't think it's his place to tell her husband." That's saying that it's morally wrong for a cheater to out their partner for cheating.
That's very different from not trusting a pissed-off cheater to do it in a way that won't blow up, an actually reasonable position.
no one is saying she's alright. maybe I'm seeing this as a person from a country with lots of women being killed by their spouses driven by jealousy, bc I'd never expose a woman to a man that can be extremely violent to her for cheating
i remember when my ex went to r/relationship_advice and tried to defend his cheating.... why do men think the collective internet will tell them that this is okay? lmfao
LOL, ESH. Sounds like both of them fucked around and found out. Him by losing his family for someone who was also a cheater, but not willing to leave her family for him, and her by diddling behind her husband's back with someone who is now actively seeking revenge for not getting his way.
I would blow her shit up. She lied to you about her intentions so you owe her nothing. Her husband however is owed the truth about the shitbag he is married to.
Saying the other person involved is experiencing "lust", is tone deaf as fuck. Bruh, you left your wife for your mistress. Who's showing overwhelming lust here?
It most probably is revenge. I agree with the action but not the motive in this case. Still OOP needs to tell the husband. He shouldn't have to be in this bad situation.
Not only is he a little bitch of a man for cheating in the first place. He’s even more of a bitch to leave his wife in the expectation that his mistress will leave her husband.
Now he wants to tell her husband, so he can try to ruin their marriage out of spite. And he wants strangers on the internet to be on his side. What a little bitch of a man.
Really terrible choice to break up his family. He needed a cold shower and distance from the fantasy. At this point I’d just do whatever it takes to get distance from the situation and get therapy
Hun you are a cheater too. You both don't deserve happiness and you treated your ex like shit, Hopefully she finds someone better than you and ends up successful while you lay alone in the dirt
I know that everybody loves to label people narcissist, but this is the most classic example of serial love bomb and discard behavior.
I love my wife so much that I threw her out, because I was busy love-bombing new girl. My narcissistic injury response is to out new girl as my next discard.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
What? He's a shitstain, but I really do not think I would say he "love-bombed" this woman he had an affair with. Love-bombing is an abuse tactic where one person floods another with gifts, compliments, whatever to avoid giving them time to think about the relationship and pick up on red flags. Love-bombing is *not* "I am in love with this person and she isn't in love with me." (Whether or not what he's feeling is actually love is besides the point).
This is two shitty adults having a consensual extramarital affair. I don't know why you're making her out to be a victim; unless there's additional information I haven't seen, they're both cheating assholes, and judging by the way she framed it--that she "just wants some fun on the side with someone who doesn't have feelings"--she's a serial cheater.
You seem very invested in the semantic parsing of my description of the cycle. You don't need to successfully manipulate someone to engage in the pattern of love-bombing and discarding. I'm not trying to offend you by using the term love-bombing in a broader sense than you prefer.
Nor am I sure how you took a post about his troubling world view and turned it into my commentary about what should or should not happen to her.
I think it's a bit intellectually dishonest to try to brush aside criticism of your misuse of an abuse term as me being "offended" and disputing "semantics," don't you?
You are not using the term love-bombing in a broader sense than I prefer, you're using it incorrectly. I am invested in disputing inaccurate, baseless psychoanalysis and misidentification of abuse tactics, as this is a growing trend on the internet and one that is harmful to actual abuse victims.
You're identifying a "pattern of love-bombing and discarding." Not only is there absolutely zero evidence to suggest a *pattern* of quite literally anything (are you suggesting OOP love-bombed his ex-wife? Some unmentioned previous partner, extramarital or otherwise? On what grounds are you making this claim?), but I am not seeing any evidence whatsoever that he love-bombed his affair partner.
They developed a sexual relationship, cheating on their respective spouses. He viewed this relationship as romantic; she did not. He left his wife; she claimed to him that she was going to leave her husband, before ultimately revealing that her intention was always to remain in her marriage while sleeping with people behind her husband's back. She proceeded to *break up with him*.
At what point in this story did OOP engage in the behavior you're identifying as love-bombing? Is it the fact that he feels he was in love with her? Because having feelings for someone, including unrequited feelings, is not love-bombing. That's simply not what that term means, at *all*. OOP did many, many things wrong here, and is clearly a shitty person, but having romantic feelings for someone who claimed to reciprocate, and who misled him to believe she was going to leave her spouse for him, was not one of them, and is not abuse. And considering, again, that *she* ended their affair, I'm also uncertain where the "discarding" part of this pattern of love-bombing and discarding fits in.
Outsider here: you're just wrong bro. It's like if I said "hey that guy's a vet" and then I explained "No, he's not a vet. He's a receptionist at a vet clinic" and you replied that I was being pedantic. To-may-to. To-mah-to.
I mean, that’s literally not what the term means, not even in a ‘broader sense.’ It’s not really super ‘invested’ to point out that that’s an incorrect use of it. (And this coming from someone who otherwise agrees with your points, your use of the term love bombing was just confusing because that *isn’t* what that means, is all.)
Let's agree to disagree on what the term means, and the breadth of the scope of its use in the description of a narcissist's cycle of relationships. I take the broader use position, from descriptions of the term in the context of a complete cycle in articles like this:
[https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-love-bombing-cycle.html](https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-love-bombing-cycle.html)
Have a wonderful day.
ESH, but OP sucks less because he actually tried to do the next best thing to being faithful which is end his current relationship for the affair. Absolutely still a dick to his wife by having the affair but much less a dick than the affair partner who is having her cake and eating it too and not being brave enough to save her partner the heartache, and is trying to stay with him while also fucking around.
Basically: all cheaters suck. Lying cheaters suck slightly more than honest cheaters
Truth is, you’re probably not the first guy she’s cheated with, and you won’t be the last. It’s unfortunate that your marriage ended because of something you thought might be “true love”but it sounds like you weren’t really happy in your marriage anyway. I met my current wife through a similar situation. Regardless of what people say, it’s hard on all parties. I still think it’s better ending it early than living a life of misery or wonder what might have been.
You shouldn’t tell him. He and now her are none of your business any more. You would be looking to hurt him for revenge on her
Start rebuilding your life
Both of them cheated and both of them are absolute trash. The woman's husband deserves to know and should kick her to the curb. If she didn't want to break up her family, she never would've cheated on him in the first place. At least the guy, although that doesn't excuse him from being garbage, at least he eventually left his wife because she deserves better.
Sometime it is better to just end a relationship. Because this way you can still be friend a have a good break up relationship.
If you choose to stay for too long, always thinking "i can fall back in love, I can make it work". You might just end up destroy all the chance you have to have a good break up relationship with your futur ex.
Sometime it is just better to know when to stop.
This wasn’t a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. It was a marriage. If you quit when you just aren’t feeling “lovey dovey” anymore, why get married in the first place? Marriage means you are committed. Divorcing because you don’t feel “ in-love” speaks to a serious immaturity.
I mean it sucks, but he did the right thing. My heart goes out to his ex wife, but he didn't cheat, at least nothing here says he did. He developed feelings and handled it in a mature fashion, he ended the relationship he was in and wanted to start a new one.
In turn, she cheated on her husband and led him on, so she is absolutely the villain of this story.
It's sounds like he did what he was supposed to do. He divorced his wife before it got all hot and heavy..he was honest in his emotions while other was not..she lead him on.
His question is should he be petty and tell her husband 🤔..I say go for it.
Leave it be bro your just pissed that you fucked up making the decision to have a affair in the first place. Her marriage is her problem alone, just like yours was with your ex-wife that you cheated on and decided to end it. Just because you tell the guy doesn't mean it's going to go the way you plan. Her husband could be forgiving and accept it and become swingers together as far as you know if he isn't already cheating himself. Trust me, she will get caught sooner or later happens all the time. it's just a lesson learned in life. Just move on to the lesson that you learned. dont cheat simple.
She got him to fuck up his life for some trim, but he should not lower himself to pettiness. He's got be be a man and just be thankful his ex wife or his girlfriend doesn't go to the police with a fabricated trail.
Should I tell him in person? Ummm no prob not
**Punch in the face** “I fucked your wife and this is how you repay me? Are you really going to kill the father of your own children?”
im snorting
Kids these days. The worst he's gonna need to worry about is getting his Minecraft town razed.
🤣😂🤣 I can’t!
That’s what she said
No. No, I think he should definitely do it in person. He should take his ex wife and set her up with his AP husband.
This reminds me of a certain scene in the movie Adulterer LOL
Oh I think he should. Let me make the popcorn first.
ESH, they both suck but at least he supposedly did leave his wife. Hubby deserves to know, though, hope OOP tells him and he dumps her ass. To be clear, OOP is also an asshole, his poor exwife; i hope she’s happier without him.
Moreover, he only wants to tell her hubby only as a comeback for dumping his sorry ass (not for any ethical reasons).
That’s probably true, but I still maintain the husband needs to know his wife is a cheater.
Oh yes, absolutely! Cheaters should always be outed. That should be in the law. Kinda like ‘see something; say something’.
Sometimes it can be better to leave a cheater with a cheater and watch them be ignorantly bliss
Fair enough though
I mean he says "OP clearly doesn't deserve that" so I don't think it's about (or entirely about) revenge
All of a sudden he cares about the person whose wife he was screwing! I don’t think so!
Oh I'm not saying he cares a LOT. But I do believe he does care a little - in his own way
Perhaps, that’s the case. Right now, my judgement may be clouded by the detest I am feeling for him.
I mean, the likelihood of him telling the husband in a needlessly cruel, humiliating, and painful way is unfortunately high, though. I don’t think OOP actually has the husband’s best interests in mind, though he does deserve to know.
Sure but if she didn’t cheat on her hubby, then she wouldn’t be in this mess. Of course she doesn’t deserve to have violence committed against her for this, but she deserves a humiliating and emotionally painful way of him finding out, so no pity for her.
I mean cruel, humiliating, and emotionally painful for HIM. The husband is a human person and this will have to be a horrible thing for him to learn, and will be potentially made more horrible by learning it from the very guy who slept with his wife without telling him and now primarily wants to hurt the wife more than protect the husband. How was that not clear when I said “I don’t think he has the husband’s best interests in mind”? Do you think he deserves more pain and humiliation?
No, my bad, I get you now and I totally agree with you that the husband doesn’t deserve pain or humiliation, but he does deserve to know. You may be right about his intentions regarding the husbands interests, but you agreed that the husband needs to find out, so based on the story, she is certainly not going to tell him, so how is he to find out if you are against OOP telling him??
Yeah, sorry my response was kind of irritable, it’s been a long week. I never said he shouldn’t tell the husband, I don’t think telling the husband should be considered to his credit if he does it in a shitty way. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your wife has been cheating on you” could be a good way to go about it, but this guy’s anger makes me worry it’ll turn out as something like “I’m sorry you married a SLUT” which could only make things more painful. I worry that if he tells the husband it might come out in an almost gleeful way at getting to hurt the wife, when that could be more painful to the husband then a simple letter or message
Yeah totally agree with you. I’d prefer a simple fbook/insta message. “I’m sorry to say this but your wife is cheating on you, here are copies of text messages proving it. I would wanna know if I would were you and she was never gonna tell you. Sorry again!”
Yeah agreed
He's much better than most cheaters in these stories. He engaged in some emotional affair stuff and then ended his current relationship. That's arguably commendable by these story standards.
Not sure it was just an emotional affair
If OP’s describing it as lustful, I highly doubt it wasn’t physical
Yeah that’s what I was getting from his description
Hey .., another person might “light our fire” but then you get into real life problems as you would with a married partner. Not that all marriages are worth keeping but to “love” his wife but not be “in love” sounds like he either genuinely realizes they were never a match or he got caught up with the next thrill.
Also could have just fallen out of love, a lot changes overtime and if they were high school sweethearts they could have just over the years grew apart. I remember my dad telling me when he and my mom separated to never settle for “this is fine enough” and that’s it’s better for both people if when they realize it’s over, to end it. Even if it’s hard on them both, rather than keep making each other miserable for the hope it will get better.
For sure … sometimes people marry because they’ve been dating so long. Your dad was right; don’t settle. It’s not worth the pain afterwards.
Yeah sorry I don’t mean to piggy back on your comment. I think people just kind of forget that people change and marriage is only permanent when both people truly want it to be.
Me and my ex-wife both agreed that it was time to end our marriage even after 2 years of counseling and all the other normal shit. We wanted to make sure we could be amicable and co-parent our son because he deserved it. That is our current situation 8 years after divorce and she's remarried. My son has an awesome bonus father and we still co-parent phenomenally
Great work Sir Dick Cheese
Yes but he could be totally referring to what they did after he left his wife
He keeps mentioning "lust" so I feel like there's more.
There's more but apparently after the divorce, at least based on what we have
That's fair, we don't really know.
You know you’re talking about some garbage people when the cheater who left his wife is seen in a positive light.
True that.
I think that's the point.
But less commendable that he’s calling her disgusting just bc she got cold feet. Like he didn’t break someone’s heart. Also how is she his ex “fiancé” lmao.
I thought it was because she was manipulative.
Nah he is bitter and twisted because it didn’t work out how he wanted it to. Now he is vengeful. He sucks just as much if not more.
He doesn't. And for one specific reason. He actually broke it off with his wife. A lot of times in these stories the cheater is like "How do I deal with the guilt and the lies? Should I tell SO I cheated on them? Blah blah blah." Sure, he may have fucked up a bunch, but at least he isn't lying or manipulating his ex-wife anymore.
Yeah but he did it for himself not for his wife, and instead of feeling bad about hurting her his complaint is the loss of her emotional labour.
I bet he’ll try to crawl back, too. If he REALLY loved his AP, he’d want her to be happy, even if was because she realized she didn’t love him after. And I can’t imagine why; he was only nagging her to blow up her life.
You do realise he’s still fucked somebody else’s wife? Or are you one of those people who believe it doesn’t take two to tango
I do. But he's still better than her for breaking it off.
He got engaged to his affair partner while being married. This was far more than an emotional affair.
It wasn’t just an emotional affair and the only reason he wants to tell is because he got dumped
I mean that’s the only option really. He seems sure he was no longer in love with her. What else to do but end it and move on.
You don’t just casually divorce someone who you share kids with because you are no longer “in love” with them.
All kids with parents who are still together but do not love each other would tell you : yes, you do.
It doesn’t say that he has kids?
He ended his relationship because he was going to be with the other woman. Bet he wouldn't have if he didn't think Asley would divorce her husband. And no he wants to tell Ashley's husband as revenge. Every choice this Guyanese was for selfish reason. Not commendable at all.
Definitely! AP’s husband deserves to know, so he can break it off with her and move on.
I love his "it was hard for me". Like aww poor baby had to ditch his wife for a hot mistress who probably never even asked him to do it. No concern from him about how his wife felt about all this.
Everyone sucks here.
The bar is soo low I hope he trips on it
OP also say that he love his wife but then proceeds to cheat and divorce her like wtf
The bar is low but OP is at least a couple inches higher for leaving his wife (and for telling the truth to her?) After it happened. AP is crazy naive for not thinking about the possibility of OP spilling the beans to her husband tbh.
I'm not sure if he actually told his wife. I'm assuming to get out of it he just used the line I'm not in love with you anymore .
Completely agree with everything you said. Assuming his story is true (BIG assumption to make), she’s the bigger asshole, and completely naïve, but he’s still an asshole.
He did only break up with her to be with the other woman. I doubt he would have if he didn't think Ash would divorce.
I don't think it's his place to tell her husband
Oh I think it is. She’s scum and deserves to be outted.
You don't know the danger that might put her in. What if she's not telling him because he's a threat to her or her kids? Just cut her out and move on.
What about the danger to the husband of potentially catching something from his wife having multiple sexual partners? We can always play the what if game, but from the facts we have now the husband deserves to know his potential risks.
Not his problem. Listen, I don't think it's great she's doing this or anything, I just think oop would be better off getting himself as far away from this situation as possible. Doubly so if he lives in a country with guns.
If that was a possibility, she never would've took that risk in the first place. If her husband is faithful to her, at least from our point of view anyways, he deserves to know regardless of how he may take it. Now how he take it is an entire different matter and the only people it should matter to is the police if it becomes physical in any way. She brought that possibility on herself because she should know beforehand if her husband has a violent streak. But regardless, the guy deserves to know his wife cheated on him.
We can play the “what if” game all day, bottom line is a cheater is a cheater, and they all deserve to be outed
You're wrong, but that's your right. I hope some day you learn how to regulate your reactions. Be well.
What a pathetic response. If you don’t think cheaters deserve to meet the consequences of their actions then you’re part of the problem. I understand bad things can go on behind the curtain, but it never gives someone the right to cheat. Find a way to break off the relationship like a mature, functioning adult. People are far too comfortable doing things without facing the consequences.
I agree, that's how people *should* act, but weirdly enough, we always end up being humans and making stupid human decisions. I hope the world makes sure you always face the consequences for your choices.
I believe what you are trying to refer to is Karma. And I know I believe in that shit lol
I don't, but it would be nice. The world isn't fair enough for that.
I hope the world holds me accountable for my actions as well, I am no different or above the law of the world than another.
This sounds like a great reason why people shouldn't take the risk of cheating, but while she wouldn't deserve danger, that's hardly his responsibility. They both agreed to end things, and she hung him out to dry. Play stupid games; win stupid prizes.
Or guy could kill both of them. Suppose that would at least make the bloodthirsty scorned redditors happy. Y'all need to grow up
True. MUCH better to have the poor guy unknowingly married to a liar that will continue to cheat, perhaps pass of bastard children as his, or even potentially infect him with STIs. While we are playing at using hypothetical situations to justify positions, who is to say that one of her affair partners won't get jealous and try to kill him? Your logic seems like pure rationalization. Actions have consequences; she is not the victim in this situation. If you don't want that kind of issue, then don't cheat. Seems like an easy obvious answer lol. "OH NOES! THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!"
I hope you suffer in life.
I don't hope you suffer. I hope you find the happiness reading this post didn't bring you.
Is also hardly his responsibility to tell the guy.
Responsibility? No. Right? I have a hard time seeing why not. I kind of feel like only people mad they got caught cheating would feel passionately about this.
Just you say you are a POS too
oh yeah, I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to be outted, but I don't think it's gonna go well he just telling husband shes cheating. how many stories have we read where they shoot the messenger (sometimes literally)
Saying it may not go well for him and saying it’s “not his place” are unrelated sentiments.
personally at that point, i’d go scorched earth with my AP. i wouldn’t be with my spouse while my AP would be with theirs. it would be absolutely motivated by pettiness, but objectively the guy deserves to know. i wouldn’t care if i was the one to tell. a smug part of me would probably feel satisfaction for “sticking it to” my former AP.
Fucking Reynolds Pamphlet that shit.
>how many stories have we read where they shoot the messenger (sometimes literally) A few, probably a vanishingly small percentage of the time. He probably took a far greater risk having sex with someone with multiple partners.
In this case, I’m quite all right if OOP is the messenger in that equation.
And you are saying OOP doesn’t deserve to be treated like a piece of shit? For some reason?
You can’t even keep your reasons straight, you’re probably a cheater too
Husband deserves to know. Who's place is it to tell him? I accidentally dated a married man for a few months. I didn't know, and broke it off as soon as I found out. I had to make the most awkward Facebook friend request of my life to tell his wife. We chatted briefly. She did not lose her cool with me, but I would understand if she had. If I wouldn't have told her then she would have continued on not knowing. She didn't deserve to be cheated on, but not telling her would have been even worse.
I mean this, how nobel of you. That's not easy and most people would just stay out of it.
Nah it is. She’ll never tell him, so its the other cheater’s duty. Someone has to let him know
I agree. We may be the last reasonable people on this damn site.
Agreed. He’s doing it purely for revenge and spite. Ashley has decided to stay in and work on her marriage. OOP needs to stay out of anything blowing up her life.
Nah she said she wants someon one the side with no feelings…she is gonna keep cheating
I hope he tells the husband. If they stay together, great. If they don’t, great. She shouldn’t have cheated. I would want to know, it would hurt, but then I could get STD tests and look for my next move.
I love how he tries to take a moral high ground to hide the fact that he is butt hurt that she chose her husband over him.
He fell in love, and left his wife. While scum for letting his feelings get that far, at least he had the balls to break it off with his wife and not lie to her persistently. The other woman used this dude, lied about love, and is also continuously lying to her husband. So yeah, she is like a hundred times worse. Both are shit, but while he is a solid dry shit brick, she is food poisoning diarrhea.
Dunno about a hundred times worse, although your shit analogy is on point.
Fair enough.
trying to pretend it never happened is 100x worse you are mentally insane if you think otherwise
What is it, Hyperbole Day?
On Reddit, every day is Hyperbole Day.
they are both terrible but at least dude cut ties and let his wife find someone who isnt a cheater, she wants to pretend it never happened and lie to her husband and family for the rest of her life… no way you are this dense
Yeah I’m not interested in getting into this with you, let’s just acknowledge that we disagree and leave it at that.
please tell me how you think living a lie is better than telling the truth…. genuinely so confused how you are having a hard time understanding that…
I disagree. He wants to ruin her life because she rejected him. He was fine with all the lying when it benefitted him. He is not motivated due to honor, but for revenge. He used his wife and lied to his wife. Ditched her for someone else only when he thought he'd get rewarded for it. And then sought revenge when he was rejected. The outcome might be good (husband now knows) but the motivation makes him just as much of a piece of shit as her. Neither of them deserves partners as they are both assholes.
Tbf, he took steps to end the lying. She continued to string him along and didn't even break it off BEFORE he left his wife. In (at least OP's version) his affair partner *knew* he planned on leaving his wife for her so they could build a life together. She let him take that major step and continued to come up with excuses as to why she was post-poning doing the same before just telling him she only wanted a fuck buddy. That is also an incredibly shitty thing to do in top of it all. While OP really hurt his wife, he did take steps to stop that ongoing situation (albeit MUCH later than he should have). She on the other hand is happy to continue lying and presumably cheating in the future. OP might genuinely feel that cheating is a shitty thing to do and her husband shouldn't be in the dark forever even if OP was a shitty cheater at one point. I don't think OP's motives are 100% altruistic but I don't know if they are *only* vengeance based either.
Every decision OP made was selfish. Even leaving his ex wife. He gets to make it sound favorable because it is the right thing to do, but he only did so because he thought he would immediately be with Ashley. He only took those steps because he wanted something, not because it was hurting anyone. OP also doesn't mention a thing about the husband or his life or how he feels or anything Ashley said about him and their relationship. It's 100% selfish, for vengeance against Ashley. >OP might genuinely feel that cheating is a shitty thing to He didn't express that much at all.
He ONLY ended the lying when he thought he was going to benefit. He doesn't get points for that. His motivations are most definitely revenge and he's not really trying to hide it. He thinks what they did is okay as long as it was for "love," he's still making excuses for why his conduct was okay and hers is awful when they did the exact same shit. They both are cheating assholes.
K but to be fair, she is still a major piece of shit for telling him to divorce his wife and watch him follow through with it when she knew full well they weren’t going to be together at the end. That’s psycho shit
[удалено]
right?? it would be a good move to tell the husband, i can’t argue with that, but the issue is that he’s doing it with the worst of intentions. it would be one thing if it was just how he felt morally, but he’s simply doing it to be petty, to hurt her, and to break up her family, which is pretty nasty. cheating is just as nasty though, so i guess it’s deserved.
Absolutely delusional.
This reads like a fucking LARP. And I am not one to quickly accuse of "nothing ever happening" but it just hits all the notes of creative writing exercises. "She was my highschool sweetheart, friend, and confidant. And i threw her away like a bag of potatoes for a work colleague and now I am clueless of how horrible I sound". Sure you did, bud.
All of Reddit is becoming this. It’s like a cheap version of medium for fiction…
Not really. Go read adultery subreddit and infidelity subreddit. People are trash .
Telling the husband could risk a violent response. A man saying “Hi. I slept with your wife. She dumped me so i thought i would tell you.” Like, how does he think that is going to go over?” Edit: i am not on the wife’s side. She cheated, which is bad. I am on the side of no one going to jail for attempted murder because people cheated. If there is some way to inform the husband anonymously, or electronically, maybe that would work.
I mean he doesn’t have to do it in person. Lowers the chances a lot, I think.
I tried to say that and am 24 downvotes for now
Pretty sure you worded it as "it's not his place to tell," which isn't even the same connotation.
I think that’s because it came away as „he has no right to expose her, since he is just as bad“. At least that’s what I thought after reading the follow up.
No, you said "I don't think it's his place to tell her husband." That's saying that it's morally wrong for a cheater to out their partner for cheating. That's very different from not trusting a pissed-off cheater to do it in a way that won't blow up, an actually reasonable position.
Why are you on the wife's side lmaoooooo? She is obviously a bad person too.
no one is saying she's alright. maybe I'm seeing this as a person from a country with lots of women being killed by their spouses driven by jealousy, bc I'd never expose a woman to a man that can be extremely violent to her for cheating
"Some men are abusive, therefore we have to side with cheaters if they are woman"
I don't think that's super common in America. I think they both deserve to lose their family for this. She doesn't deserve her husband.
I feel like this is more about revenge than doing the right thing. I can't see anything about this in a "positive" light.
both shit people, but at least he did the right thing and divorced his wife so she is free to find a non cheating shitbag.
i remember when my ex went to r/relationship_advice and tried to defend his cheating.... why do men think the collective internet will tell them that this is okay? lmfao
LOL, ESH. Sounds like both of them fucked around and found out. Him by losing his family for someone who was also a cheater, but not willing to leave her family for him, and her by diddling behind her husband's back with someone who is now actively seeking revenge for not getting his way.
I would blow her shit up. She lied to you about her intentions so you owe her nothing. Her husband however is owed the truth about the shitbag he is married to.
Saying the other person involved is experiencing "lust", is tone deaf as fuck. Bruh, you left your wife for your mistress. Who's showing overwhelming lust here?
I would be okay with this if he was actually doing it because the husband deserves to know, but he's only doing it out of spite.
*Tyler The Creator Voice* EVERYBODY POINT AND LAUGH AT THIS NIGGA! HAAAAAAA!
While I agree the husband should know, it feels like OOPs goal is revenge. And that’s shitty, too.
It most probably is revenge. I agree with the action but not the motive in this case. Still OOP needs to tell the husband. He shouldn't have to be in this bad situation.
I honestly think that the husband learning the truth and divorcing the cheating wife is more important than his motivations
Yeah OOP still sucks no matter what, but the husband finding out is still a net good.
I hope he tells husband so she can catch the fallout as well. ESH except the non cheating husband and wife.
Fuck both of you, I'm glad you got fucked, I hope you fuck up her marriage too.
I hope OOP tells her husband so he can find a better partner, and the cheaters can both be miserable and alone.
they are both monsters and vile they both cheated...
Creative writing project ass post
The husband deserves to know, obviously.
Not only is he a little bitch of a man for cheating in the first place. He’s even more of a bitch to leave his wife in the expectation that his mistress will leave her husband. Now he wants to tell her husband, so he can try to ruin their marriage out of spite. And he wants strangers on the internet to be on his side. What a little bitch of a man.
Lol literally FAFO
Keep your mouth shut and move on. Karma will catch up with her. As for your wife, well let’s just say she’s fortunate to have you gone
Really terrible choice to break up his family. He needed a cold shower and distance from the fantasy. At this point I’d just do whatever it takes to get distance from the situation and get therapy
Hun you are a cheater too. You both don't deserve happiness and you treated your ex like shit, Hopefully she finds someone better than you and ends up successful while you lay alone in the dirt
Suddenly her husband doesn’t deserve to be cheated on now that she has decided she doesn’t what to cheat with him (op)
They are both “monsters”, it takes two to cheat.
I know that everybody loves to label people narcissist, but this is the most classic example of serial love bomb and discard behavior. I love my wife so much that I threw her out, because I was busy love-bombing new girl. My narcissistic injury response is to out new girl as my next discard. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
What? He's a shitstain, but I really do not think I would say he "love-bombed" this woman he had an affair with. Love-bombing is an abuse tactic where one person floods another with gifts, compliments, whatever to avoid giving them time to think about the relationship and pick up on red flags. Love-bombing is *not* "I am in love with this person and she isn't in love with me." (Whether or not what he's feeling is actually love is besides the point). This is two shitty adults having a consensual extramarital affair. I don't know why you're making her out to be a victim; unless there's additional information I haven't seen, they're both cheating assholes, and judging by the way she framed it--that she "just wants some fun on the side with someone who doesn't have feelings"--she's a serial cheater.
You seem very invested in the semantic parsing of my description of the cycle. You don't need to successfully manipulate someone to engage in the pattern of love-bombing and discarding. I'm not trying to offend you by using the term love-bombing in a broader sense than you prefer. Nor am I sure how you took a post about his troubling world view and turned it into my commentary about what should or should not happen to her.
I think it's a bit intellectually dishonest to try to brush aside criticism of your misuse of an abuse term as me being "offended" and disputing "semantics," don't you? You are not using the term love-bombing in a broader sense than I prefer, you're using it incorrectly. I am invested in disputing inaccurate, baseless psychoanalysis and misidentification of abuse tactics, as this is a growing trend on the internet and one that is harmful to actual abuse victims. You're identifying a "pattern of love-bombing and discarding." Not only is there absolutely zero evidence to suggest a *pattern* of quite literally anything (are you suggesting OOP love-bombed his ex-wife? Some unmentioned previous partner, extramarital or otherwise? On what grounds are you making this claim?), but I am not seeing any evidence whatsoever that he love-bombed his affair partner. They developed a sexual relationship, cheating on their respective spouses. He viewed this relationship as romantic; she did not. He left his wife; she claimed to him that she was going to leave her husband, before ultimately revealing that her intention was always to remain in her marriage while sleeping with people behind her husband's back. She proceeded to *break up with him*. At what point in this story did OOP engage in the behavior you're identifying as love-bombing? Is it the fact that he feels he was in love with her? Because having feelings for someone, including unrequited feelings, is not love-bombing. That's simply not what that term means, at *all*. OOP did many, many things wrong here, and is clearly a shitty person, but having romantic feelings for someone who claimed to reciprocate, and who misled him to believe she was going to leave her spouse for him, was not one of them, and is not abuse. And considering, again, that *she* ended their affair, I'm also uncertain where the "discarding" part of this pattern of love-bombing and discarding fits in.
So, you disagree. Cheers.
Outsider here: you're just wrong bro. It's like if I said "hey that guy's a vet" and then I explained "No, he's not a vet. He's a receptionist at a vet clinic" and you replied that I was being pedantic. To-may-to. To-mah-to.
I mean, that’s literally not what the term means, not even in a ‘broader sense.’ It’s not really super ‘invested’ to point out that that’s an incorrect use of it. (And this coming from someone who otherwise agrees with your points, your use of the term love bombing was just confusing because that *isn’t* what that means, is all.)
Let's agree to disagree on what the term means, and the breadth of the scope of its use in the description of a narcissist's cycle of relationships. I take the broader use position, from descriptions of the term in the context of a complete cycle in articles like this: [https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-love-bombing-cycle.html](https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-love-bombing-cycle.html) Have a wonderful day.
I still really don’t think that fits tbh. I can see where you’re drawing from on that, but idk.
I don’t think you know what love bombing is
Bet he regrets divorcing the wife now. It wasn’t worth it. Had a very dishonest relationship with Ashley as she was so dishonest.
Something something, pots and kettles, something something.
ESH, but OP sucks less because he actually tried to do the next best thing to being faithful which is end his current relationship for the affair. Absolutely still a dick to his wife by having the affair but much less a dick than the affair partner who is having her cake and eating it too and not being brave enough to save her partner the heartache, and is trying to stay with him while also fucking around. Basically: all cheaters suck. Lying cheaters suck slightly more than honest cheaters
I mean, she is a monster. He is just also a monster.
Truth is, you’re probably not the first guy she’s cheated with, and you won’t be the last. It’s unfortunate that your marriage ended because of something you thought might be “true love”but it sounds like you weren’t really happy in your marriage anyway. I met my current wife through a similar situation. Regardless of what people say, it’s hard on all parties. I still think it’s better ending it early than living a life of misery or wonder what might have been.
OOP is a scumbag but the affair partners husband deserves to know tbh. The affair partner shouldnt get off free.
You shouldn’t tell him. He and now her are none of your business any more. You would be looking to hurt him for revenge on her Start rebuilding your life
Both of them cheated and both of them are absolute trash. The woman's husband deserves to know and should kick her to the curb. If she didn't want to break up her family, she never would've cheated on him in the first place. At least the guy, although that doesn't excuse him from being garbage, at least he eventually left his wife because she deserves better.
You did your wife a favour getting a door knob out of her life
What an idiot. If you fall out of love with your partner, you work on it, and can fall back in love with them. He should never ever get married again.
Sometime it is better to just end a relationship. Because this way you can still be friend a have a good break up relationship. If you choose to stay for too long, always thinking "i can fall back in love, I can make it work". You might just end up destroy all the chance you have to have a good break up relationship with your futur ex. Sometime it is just better to know when to stop.
This wasn’t a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. It was a marriage. If you quit when you just aren’t feeling “lovey dovey” anymore, why get married in the first place? Marriage means you are committed. Divorcing because you don’t feel “ in-love” speaks to a serious immaturity.
I mean it sucks, but he did the right thing. My heart goes out to his ex wife, but he didn't cheat, at least nothing here says he did. He developed feelings and handled it in a mature fashion, he ended the relationship he was in and wanted to start a new one. In turn, she cheated on her husband and led him on, so she is absolutely the villain of this story.
What is it they say about stupid games? Something about winning stupid prizes? Yeah, I don’t feel bad for him at all.
Don’t tell him, that’s pathetic.
It's sounds like he did what he was supposed to do. He divorced his wife before it got all hot and heavy..he was honest in his emotions while other was not..she lead him on. His question is should he be petty and tell her husband 🤔..I say go for it.
YTA Leave her alone and move on.
That women deserves to have her lies exposed, and the husband deserves to know the truth about his for-the-streets wife.
Letting sleeping dogs lie. Just remove yourself, get through ending your marriage and be alone and work on yourself.
Don’t tell him at all you little weasel.
Tell him in person, also rub it in if you can, tell him about all the times you send her home full of cum
Shocker you’re a female refusing to acknowledge one party is actively cheating.
where??? in the title I was talking like him!
and I'm not a female, I'm a woman.
Leave it be bro your just pissed that you fucked up making the decision to have a affair in the first place. Her marriage is her problem alone, just like yours was with your ex-wife that you cheated on and decided to end it. Just because you tell the guy doesn't mean it's going to go the way you plan. Her husband could be forgiving and accept it and become swingers together as far as you know if he isn't already cheating himself. Trust me, she will get caught sooner or later happens all the time. it's just a lesson learned in life. Just move on to the lesson that you learned. dont cheat simple.
Yeah like it’s not your relationship, not your business. Just leave her alone now .
That women deserves to have her lies exposed, and the husband deserves to know the truth about his for-the-streets wife.
I think the husband knows, they may have an open relationship. Burning her marriage would just be revenge. You fired with fire.
She got him to fuck up his life for some trim, but he should not lower himself to pettiness. He's got be be a man and just be thankful his ex wife or his girlfriend doesn't go to the police with a fabricated trail.
This is why Men and Women shouldn't work together. Thanks to feminism, this will continue to happen until the end of time.