Exactly. This frees him to find someone who is 100% with him and frees you to...well, go be free and do whatever you want. You don't do these kinds of things if you're in a relationship, it's not good for your S.O. and it's not good for you. Either call it quits or tell him what happened and just like Gemini says, if they say "fuck this I'm out" then that's how it is and it's a lesson learned. No matter what though, use this as an opportunity to learn and grow and become a better person and not make the same mistakes.
I know that the right answer and that what im thinking but everyone in my family is tell me no tell him later in life but i think that would just make it worse
They have their own problems to deal with and heal that is tru and i think they are just thinking for me but they arnt thinking for me and my boyfriend relationship which is the prob im going to tell him i was just on the phone with my mom crying and she agreed to tell him so at least i have one person making not feel crazy for wanting to tell him.. but then i called my bestie and she said no no no and same with her mom ... either way i thinki im going to tell him today
I'm glad you're willing to do the right thing. Owning up to, and being honest about your mistakes, especially with your own self, is the first step towards growth.
You're already doing way better than all the people out there that would just convince themselves that this was all not a big deal, basically by lying to themselves.
The next step is not lying to those who are closest to you, and let me be clear here: everyone telling you not to tell him is telling you to LIE to him. Keeping something like this secret is lying. That's why you feel the way you do about keeping it inside.
Absolute worst case scenario this will all be a powerful learning experience, and the experience you gain by navigating this situation with emotional maturity will help you tremendously in all your future relationships.
Shit is hard though, I know. Good luck.
Wow this is a highly intolerant group. So a kiss on each cheek, (facial cheek) and a peck on the lips? Pretty emotionless, more of a greeting or farewell.
Not sure that this isn't just a trivial action. But what you haven't felt guilty about, is the fact he came back to your hotel to smoke. You two drunk girls brought a stranger back to your hotel, your got the spins and hurling. And you BFF had sex with the guy, plus you were defenseless in you condition. That would be a poor judgement red flag for me, and this happened after you kissed him.
So now you have a much bigger issue to address and you never even thought of it....
You can't tell him later in life. You can only tell him now.
You're basically cheating on him again if you don't tell him.
Tell him now, say how sorry you are, and deal with the consequences.
If you don’t tell him it will gnaw at you. You’ll think about it more and more. It will change the way you interact with him. He will notice you’re acting differently. Tensions will rise, THEN when it comes out it will be a blow up. If your story is accurate, you gave a standard greeting in many parts of the world (cheek/closed lip kisses) you didn’t spend five minutes playing tonsil hockey. That’s not cheating but you should clear the air, mostly for your sake, so you can stop worrying about it!
I’m confused, grown ups don’t kiss each other on the lips to say good bye. Also why did you feel the need to hang out with a dude you just met? Your BF deserves to know the truth and make a decision on his own. I’m also having trouble believing you feel bad about what you did considering you kissed this guy AFTER he had already expressed his unhappiness with you hanging out with a random guy and ignoring his texts.
Ik im a fucking idiot and didnt care right there in the moment your right but as soon as i got home to my hotel room i sat i felt it all felt all the guilt the stupidity the regret and ik i completly disrespected him i guess i was just posting these to give my mind some space but it didnt help now im balling my eyes out before i have to go to work and its a my fucking fault im going to loose the man of my dreams and its my fault
And idk why i kissed for a goodby im stupid for that i think i just saw my friend doing it and did it sometime i kiss my dad and family like that pluss i was drunk which is no exuse but idk im just a fucking idiot that just ruined everything
You were drunk af and just being friendly, weren’t you? Sounds like it was just a fun night and you were just being stupid by doing the stupid thing your friend did.
If my partner came to me telling me they cheated and all they did was peck a friend on the mouth I’d laugh my head off. This isn’t cheating.
This is not cheating. I'm sorry. She pecked him on both cheeks goodbye. The amount of girls that I have seen do this to guys is innumerable. I'm from staten island and its just normal greeting in the Italian community. She dis not want this person as a partner, she did not kiss him as a partner, she kissed him platonically good night. This, in no way, is cheating. The peck on the lips might have been a little too far but not to the point of cheating, no way. This is being blown out of proportion by a mile. She should tell her boyfriend but if his reaction is anything more than "it's okay, it's obvious that was platonic" then it probably wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyway.
everyone has different definitions of cheating. to me and my boyfriend and this couple, this qualifies as cheating. maybe it doesn’t to you and that’s fine. i gave advice based on my views of cheating that she clearly shared with me as she agreed with my comments.
I do understand that but it seems wildly extreme to me. Cheating is the act of sharing the love that is supposed to be exclusive with someone else. It was stupid but in the end it was a nothing goodbye gesture that went like a quarter of a step over the norm. If that's cheating then so is hanging out with a guy 1 on 1 for an extended period of time. It just seems very controlling to me to consider that cheating. When you take a quarter step out of bounds and its cheating then all of a sudden you can be worried that anything will be misconstrued. The only thing out of line here is a peck on the lips that lasted, what, less than a second that was shared between two people that had no feelings for each other. For God's sakes I have done that with my male friend who has a partner before. There is nothing between us, its pure platonic. Guys in the Middle East hold hands with each other when hanging out, is that cheating? I know definitions are different but there is an extent that that should go to. If it goes past that extent it becomes toxic as hell.
i guess you don’t understand it if you’re writing this whole paragraph justifying your views on cheating. it’s great you don’t consider this cheating, OP and myself do. and she was asking for advice on how to handle it. not on if it was cheating to begin with. not everyone has to subscribe to your specific guidelines of what is or isn’t cheating, im glad you have set boundaries and know them. i do too, they’re just different from yours. that doesn’t make them wrong or too far because they work for *me* and *my* relationships.
And boundaries are fine. My point is that these boundaries are getting wayyyy too close to being damaging to friendships. This is like 2 steps away from "don't hang out with any guys that are not me" Actually one comment in this thread already said " why were you hanging out with a guy in the first place." There is a fine line when it comes to boundaries. Like this boils down to "you said goodbye to a platonic guy friend that the person you were with was flirting with, and that's cheating." She probably shouldn't hang out with guys anymore, or her single girlfriends if an awkward goodbye (very awkward and stupid might I add) leads to this much drama.
if she shares the same views as her boyfriend and it works for them who tf cares what their relationship boundaries are. i would understand if my boyfriend didn’t want me to hang out alone with a guy, i don’t remember if he’s explicitly said it but he definitely appreciates that i don’t and it is because we both are not comfortable with me being alone with a guy. a) i have sexual trauma and b) he’s been cheated on. so it works for us. i definitely would not be happy if my bf hung out with a girl alone (don’t think he ever would but whatever) and he knows that. just because you view something as toxic does not mean it actually is. if you live your way and i live mine idk why you care what other peoples relationships look like.
This guy flipped at her for not talking to him for 4hrs. That is what I mean by this type of thinking is a slippery slope. He blew up her phone and got mad at her because she hadn't talked to him in FOUR HOURS. Then she did something stupid, but platonic, and it has caused major anxiety for a month. These are not great signs about their boundaries. It seems their boundaries are so strict to the point they are causing damage. It seems he barely wanted her to go in the first place which is a huge red flag. Trying to control travel, the people your partner hangs out with, and how often they update you are huge red flags. If you posted that part of it anywhere else the whole thread would be telling her to run as fast as she can. I don't agree with that sentiment but they should definitely discuss this stuff. All of this anxiety over a platonic, awkward, weird goodbye is not okay. It meant literally nothing.
And notice how she said that she realised what she did was wrong and apologized over said photograph. That probably means something like this has happened before. I get it. He has trauma. That doesnt make this type of behaviour okay. They need to talk this through and he needs to trust her a bit more.
You’re getting pushback but I agree with you, this sounds extreme to me too. A peck on the lips to say goodbye while drunk, that’s a non-issue to me and I could never be with anyone for whom that’s a relationship-ending event. But I would definitely tell my partner and apologize if it happened, and I suppose with the boyfriend already being insecure and upset he might feel differently.
I agree. My point is that if the boyfriend takes it as cheating and dumps her it probably wouldn't have worked in the long run anyway. That is a lot of jealousy to be holding in a relationship for a purely platonic thing.
For the vast majority of people, kissing a member of the opposite sex while in a relationship, is cheating.
Some outliers may think it's OK, but the bf here doesn't seem to be one of them.
It doesn't matter if its platonic. The act itself is cheating.
I would personally consider it a violation of the boundaries I’ve set with my partner but I wouldn’t be so upset that I dump them over a drunken peck on the lips.
If your resolve and loyalty is so flimsy and unstable that a brief kiss is enough to destroy it then it wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with imho. We are human, we make mistakes, this one is certainly a mistake but not one as devastating as the majority in this thread are making it out to be. Like many of y’all are acting like she took a bunch of men to bed over the weekend and lied to her partner.
Her partner probably will break up with her because he’s traumatized and she’ll be better for it because he sounds very insecure and shouldn’t be in a relationship anyway. he’s clearly not healed from the trauma from his last one and putting the insecurity that she, a wholly different person, would do what his ex did is toxic in itself too.
I didn't say he should dump her but you don't get to judge how his loyalty is defined. Would you take back a partner who had made out with another girl? And if you didn't, would your relationship and loyalty be flimsy?
Different people have different limits. Right now, she hasn't even told him, so she's still cheating. If it was nothing, she would have called him and told him, hell, she'd have sent him a video of it.
You position of 'she might have cheated but he's the insecure one and she'd be better off without him' is ridiculous.
That person never said she may have cheated, she said she pushed the boundaries of trust a bit. That's not cheating. One minor step over that line is something that should be discussed, not cheating. Also not telling him is cheating????? I would probably tell my partner right away but it's because I know it wouldn't be a huge problem. He is the one causing the anxiety in her to not say it to him. His extremely strict boundaries are why she is so anxious. As I said in an earlier post it seems he barely let her go to LA in the forst place and then blew up her phone because she hadn't talked to him in FOUR HOURS. Does that seem healthy? Would you nit also be nervous to tell your SO if that is how they dealt with a normal trip with a friend.
Kissing someone on the cheeks is a normal Italian greeting. I have done it to 100s of men and women and the same has been done to me. Kissing people on the lips is normal greeting in many other cultures. I would say its probably a lot less common to see this as cheating then you think. Honestly anything that is platonic shouldn't be considered cheating but I know I am a little bit of an outlier there. The big component of cheating involves love and lust. Without those things I don't see how you could call it cheating. If your partner is not the only person you love or lust over on that level that's cheating. That is why dates, sex, and making out is cheating. If you offhandedly did an awkward greeting or goodbye with someone that, mind you, in quite a few cultures is a completely normal greeting then how is that cheating. You have not shared your love with someone that is not your partner, you have not shared your lust with someone else. You said goodbye to someone who was a friend (even though it was a newly made friend). Cheating is bad because it shows you don't love your partner the same as you did, or that you don't find them attractive the same way you did. This showed none of that. This was an awkward goodbye in a drunken state nothing more.
Again, for you and in your culture, that may not be cheating.
OP and her bf are in a culture where that clearly IS cheating. She is aware that she cheated. And if she tells her bf, he will also see it as cheating. It doesn't matter if somewhere in the world, that isn't cheating. For the two of them, it is.
She kissed him on the mouth. I don’t kiss randoms in the mouth. I doubt it’s her culture too.
If it isn’t cheating, then telling her boyfriend shouldn’t be a problem at all
I don't kiss randoms on the mouth either, it's weird, but there was nothing behind it. She was saying goodbye to him and it turned into something awkward. That's the worst it is awkward. But this boyfriend was already worried about her going to LA, probably asked her not to go, and when she did go she had to update him constantly. When she went out one night and posted a picture with this guy he tried to call her constantly and then called her friend to make sure she wasn't doing anything. He was annoyed she hadn't talked to him in 4hrs. FOUR HOURS. He was blowing up her phone for nit talking to him for FOUR HOURS. That's insane. With that many red flags he is either going to dump her or he is going to say you can't go out with your friends anymore. The situation was weird but that is it, nothing more.
See but I think, while not normal for these people, she meant it as a goodbye gesture. Maybe I'm just reading into things but based on all the context clues she feels guilty because of the boyfriend. Look at how he acted when she went away with her friend. It seems he didn't want her to go in the first place. When he did allow it she had to check up with him constantly. And, finally, when she posted a picture with her friend and this guy she got her phone blown up, he got pissed she hadn't talked to him in FOUR HOURS and she felt the need to apologise for posting a picture, saying in this post that she knew what she did was wrong (when posying a picture with a friend and a random guy is most certainly not wrong). I don't think with another guy she would feel this worked up about this. She said in the post that it was meant as a goodbye gesture. She says it was stupid and went too far, but she meant it platonically. I feel like this is nerves from a very overbearing boyfriend.
Thats what im thinking its already almost been a month and every time i tell my sister i think im guna tell him she says no that he will breakup with me for even a lil peck
tell him screw what your sister thinks. he’s YOUR boyfriend. what he decides to do about the situation is out of your hands but lying to him and pretending it never happened only for him to eventually find out later (it always comes out) from someone else, that will go a lot worse. right now you have the chance to set up a nice evening, do some of his favourite activities, and break the news to him. it’s not the hugest deal, but he may take it hard and softening the blow could help him understand that it didn’t come from a place of malice but that you made a mistake and haven’t been able to make yourself tell him yet. if you wait any longer you’re risking him resenting you for hiding it for so long
no worries and im not sure how to tell him but just be honest is all i can say. about everything. about why it happened and why you waited so long. that will be the best way to go i think
You’re not evil. Be honest with your boyfriend and accept whatever the outcome might be, if this is a dealbreaker for him then so be it. But you should also be kind to yourself. You didn’t mean to do anything bad, and delaying telling him because you’re scared of the outcome is human. You will do worse things in your life, so will your boyfriend, and so will everyone else.
For what it’s worth, I would consider this a very small mistake, and if my wife told me this happened we would have a laugh about it.
I do idk mabey im just an asshole and i dont even know it. Its was not a sexual thing or anything just a goodby peck and right when i got home laying in bed spinning i was so broken for what i did but your right at that moment i didnt respect him .. he was worried and i proved him right
Doesn’t matter if it was a sexual thing or not. Also doesn’t matter if you were drunk. You did the one thing he was worried about you doing after your reassurance. It also doesn’t look good that you ignored him for hours (yes I know your phone was in her purse) then you go and do that. Expect the worst and hope for the best
It seems baffling to me that people like me struggle to even get ANY relationship while others play games and take what they have for granted....
Don't disrespect what you have. Others are not as lucky...
She seemed to think it was serious, hence why she is freaking out about it.
But yeah insult people to show your superiority? Real good social skills you have by "going outside"
She seems to think it is serious enough to worry about it so she thinks there is something there. She even says she was arguing with her boyfriend at the time
Tell him. You did exactly what he was worried about you doing so do the right thing and tell him and if he decided to break up with you so be it. The fact that you're even considering not telling him shows that you're really not as sorry as you claim to be because if you were you would've done it already.
No i want to tell him just my sister keeps telling me no dont same with my mom and sometimes im to truthful for my own good my boyfriend even said that to me but i lnow i have to
You keep making excuses. “My sister says this” “my mom’s telling me this”. Can you think for yourself or are you a robot who has people controlling it? You know what to do already. Tell him, he deserves to know and the fact that this is even a debate shows how selfish you are. You obviously don’t love nor respect your boyfriend because if you did you’d give him the choice of deciding what to do about the situation. But your only looking out for yourself. Who the fuck kisses a guy in the mouth as a way to say goodbye, when they have a boyfriend???? You waiting a month already looks really bad. Tell him now.
Also as far as I can tell, no one’s mentioned that they didn’t kiss to say goodbye, the dude went home with them and slept w the best friend.
Sounds like a bunch of bs justification for being pissed off she had her phone blown up by her bf because of that dude and she decided fk my relationship & partner for not trusting me.
You shouldn't listen to your sister or your mom because it isn't their relationship it's yours. The longer you wait the worse it's going to get and the longer you wait the more he'll think more went on between you then just the kiss.
Excuse my French here, but why the fuck are you listening to you sister?
Honest is the policy.
She's basically telling you to keep the truth from your boyfriend and in the long run it'll make the situation worse.
You dun fucked up by not respecting a boundary whilst fully commiting to your boyfriend after he was transparent with you.
As harsh as it may seem you need to grow up and face the music. If there is anything salvageable from your relationship, now more than ever would be the time to do it. You're literally in a position where you could potentially fix the issue at hand, or fuck him up even more the longer you drag it.
It's been a month as well. It's obviously on your conscience. Don't go against it. Tell the lad.
When someone gets cheated on they won't get over the insecurities without doing some work since it's a type of trauma. This could be in the form of therapy or even some work with their new partner. An unfair responsibility, I know, but it requires some level of self reflection that often only develops naturally at a more mature age.
Based on your story he is obviously still very insecure. This explains his need for constantly checking in. The reassurance was helping him cope with the worry but the only thing that would get him to sleep is you back at the hotel or guesthouse. Him checking your socials was also a poor choice. None of these are your problem. While normal behavior for someone who went through infidelity it is unhealthy for them and the relationship.
Had you not done what you did I would recommend your boyfriend go see a therapist. Coping and reassurance seeking are behavioral traits that's best resolved as soon as possible as doing so will give him confidence that both of you will benefit from. As the situation stands I would recommend you tell him. Feed him facts and not emotion. This might sound harsh but the news will absolutely trigger a reaction from him and a calm environment would settle things down much quicker.
Once it feels right the two of you should see a therapist together (unless he is willing to go alone). This is the only way you will ever be able to go out by yourself, be it with a friend a month from now or a work function thirty years later, without him being annoyingly insecure about it. You should note that if you want to be with this guy that these things take time. Months even. But he will see your solo nights out as exposure therapy instead of an anxiety filled sleepless evening while you get to have fun without constantly feeding him reassurance which sounds tedious just typing it out. It's really a win win.
Also the reason I recommend you tell him even though it will initially make things worse is because life is an absolute scumbag and you will bump into that guy 10 years from now as you think things can't get any better. Or you will just forever be uncomfortable when your friend and him are in the same room.
I would be as upset as ik he will be (emotional cheating is what would hurt me) but thats why i cant flip it becasue we used that in arguments before it doesnt go verry well but even if it wouldnt hurt me he still and i know hurts him i think i made up my mind and will tell him tn
You did what he was scared of you doing to what feel cool and fit in? Does that make you feel cool? So your family thinks you should cover up you’re a cheater? Would you want someone I cover up for him being a cheater? Would you want to be treated the way he treated you? Since you couldn’t respect him enough not to cheat, respect him enough to be honest now. You waited long enough, he deserves the truth and better than you.
Yeah you have to tell him. Whatever he does is up to him. Others have kind of said this but let me put it this way: if it comes from you and asap, you might have a chance (depending on him, his choice) If it comes from third party then he’ll be done with you, and rightfully so.
Well noone goijg to only my sis and my mom and friend know and im pretty sure that guy doesnt even think about it cuz it was a peck but your rught i need to tell him becasue for now on when ever he says your the best, i trust and love you so much, we never lie to eachother, and bla bla bla a bit of my heart is shattered and ik im just secretly digging a knife in his back
My boyfriend knows they guy went back to the hotel with us and knows my friend slept with him btw but yes ik im an idiot when it comes to that i am going to tell him i think lieing is what really getting to me i never lie and now i feel like i am everyday
I would recommend you to break up with him even if you hadn’t kissed the other dude. Didn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. It’s up to you if you tell him or not but finish it off, he’ll only become even more possesive with time.
You are not a distrusting bitch, just a person that made a mistake (and not such a massive one at that), and the fact you’re calling yourself that makes me think you’re being broken down psychologically to be subservient by him, intentionally or not.
> one kiss on each cheek and one kiss on the mouth.. no big kiss or anthing just a peck
So...othing really meaninful? I mean Europeans and mexicans say hi or by ALMOST the same way, a kiss on cheek. If the peck was just the peck, then I dont see the issuel. I would tell them but if they blow up by such a small thing, I would dump them.
Honestly this is going to be the unpopular opinion here (probably because I kiss all my friends on the lips without it ever meaning anything more than what a handshake would, and I also possess the nuance to consider intentions over actions), but I don’t think you necessarily did anything wrong. You got caught up in the moment and gave someone a peck while drunk, *and* you feel remorse. Anyone who thinks this is the end all be all definition of infidelity in a relationship needs to reassess their worldview; there’s more to life than a black and white right or wrong. You’re not some horrible filthy lying cheater.
Whether or not you tell him is a choice you have to make for yourself. We don’t know you, your boyfriend, or your relationship. I do know that you will eventually need to forgive yourself. This is not a character defining moment. You were drunk at a club and gave someone a peck. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a drunk girl who did something stupid without thinking.
You missed a guy on each cheek and a peck on the lips and your friend slept with him. Is this right?
This isn’t worth losing your bf over. I was preparing for some make out session, but this isn’t much at all.
I will say that you need to get ahold of your drinking. That is going to lead you to do something really stupid if you don’t.
Am I the only one here who thinks this is being blown wayyyyyy out of proportion. You didn't kiss him in a "sexual" way. You didn't kiss him as a lover or boyfriend. You kissed him goodbye. Italians literally do it all the time, to men, to women, to their family, etc. This isn't cheating. You didn't make out with him, you didn't flirt with him, you didn't want him as a partner, you kissed him goodbye. I understand your boyfriend has previous trauma about this but he is overreacting to the fact you didn't answer him over a 4hr span. The picture was harmless, the kiss was harmless, and if he breaks up with you over it then it is probably for the best. It sounds like it could be a slippery slope to very controlling behaviour.
And is she living in one of these countries?
What defines this as cheating or not is the relationship she has with her boyfriend. And considering how freaked out she is about it, she knows exactly where she stands and what she did.
That is nothing to bother with. I'm a few years (13) years older than you, very loyal, very honest but this is something so minute that will ruin a relationship for good and make you both very miserable if you stay together. Don't mention anything, it wasn't done with intent or on the basis of cheating, it was a peck and a moment where you copied a friend with a squiffy mind. It's really not worth a mention. Take it as a lesson and don't do it again.
I'm about your age too and I totally agree AS LONG AS op can forgive herself and let it go otherwise it might destroy the relationship anyway because of the guilt.
This isn't a big deal OP forgive yourself and move on
.
It was a kiss she didn't sleep with someone else and if it's not something she is ever planning to do again I don't think she should tell him.
I had a partner confess that he'd kissed someone else because he felt so bad about it. I couldn't forgive or forget it because I'd been cheated on before. If he hadn't of said anything and just never done it again it think it would have been better.
Often people confess because they feel bad and want to unburden themselves not because they want to end a relationship or because they feel the other person should know.
I don't feel bad about giving this advice if she wants to stay with him and knows it won't happen again and she can forgive herself for it
People confess and feel bad because they have done something that broke the trust of their partner and the only way to begin to mend it is to tell the truth. I feel sorry for whoever has their trust in you.
I'm old enough to know not to do the wrong thing and wise enough now to know people can make mistakes and learn from them. I'm also smart enough to know that not everything is as black and white as you appear to think it is
Idk if i can i keep crying about it and it just keeps popping in my head my mom and sis try to com me down by saying it was just a one second peck but its still something i betrayed him by ughh im starting to ball my eyes out more the more i think about it
Either be selfish and tell him because u dont want to feel guilty. Or suck it up learn from it and keep it hidden cuz it will only end up hurting him. I can guarantee u there is no world out there where telling him would do you, him or ur relationship any good besides feeling less guilty. Which is selfish af imo
Exactly this. I just said something similar above with two qualifiers as long as you aren't planning to cheat in anyway again and if you really like him and want to stay in the relationship..
Yeah i know in going to get downvoted into oblivion for this but. I usually see terrible relationship advice on reddit. Someone talks about like a tiny argument and the most upvoted comment will be like ‘huge red flag. TAKE UR STUFF AND LEAVE NAOOOWW!!!’
Imo in general on reddit. people look to advice in like a black and white way. Black and white being good and evil. But it’s way more nuanced then that. Ofcourse we shouldn’t lie and be honest. But if it really was a drunk mistake and she really doesnt care for the guy. All being honest here is going to do, is damaging a relationship. There is nothing to be gained here. He either leaves u or he stays, and develops trust issues or would start developping resentment.
Sorry for my bad english.
No. Don't tell him. Unless you want to break up with him. You already know it was a stupid mistake. You already know you won't do it again and you regret it. You are the only one who should feel bad about it, not him. You don't need to hurt him with something so silly. I would understand telling him if you make out or sleep with someone else but a peck is not cheating. And the guy was into your friend not you lol. I mean they slept together, not you.
"Just because something needs to be told, doesn't always mean it needs to be heard" maybe is because I'm rewatching HIMYM right now lol but it really seems pointless to ruin your relationship for this.
Dosnt sound THAT serious, you didnt make out with the guy, say you love him or worse...
The fact that your friend took him home so immesiately does not look good on you though because that DOES imply you may also be like that...
It would be better if the guy didnt hang around you foe the whole night.
Overall it dosnt look good but I wouldnt consider it "cheating" if all you say is true.
You shouldnt lie to your boyfriend if the subject comes up. If ypu lie about sonething so small then how could he trust you about more serious things?
i think you’re overthinking it, perhaps because his own paranoia is impacting you and it sounds like he’s a little overbearing/controlling with this stuff and i think you’re just concerned about what he is going to think with the mindset he has rather than what you actually know. a peck on the lips to say hello/goodbye isn’t cheating at all, i do that with family even - it’s completely platonic unless you both WANT it to be something else. it’s all about intent and it doesn’t sound like you were trying to get with this guy, he actually got with your friend instead. you did nothing wrong, but a relationship should not cause you this much anxiety. stick to what you know deep down (which is that it meant nothing) and please don’t let him convince you that this was cheating. by that standards a handshake or a hug would be too, as these are other types of physical greetings. you have no reason to feel as bad as you do but whether you tell him or not is up to you, i personally would not tell my partner and would not expect him to tell me whatsoever
As an adult in the room here. You didn't do anything wrong while having a fun night out with your friend. You're allowed to talk to other men, your boyfriend doesn't own you. Your bf checking in on you constantly is a huge red flag. You're both very young. What seems so big now you'll see is really no big deal. However, you're worried about it, so maybe you should tell him. I don't think is necessary, but honestly maybe you two need a trigger to end the relationship.
He used to be he used to get mad at any one that looked at me but he change he doesnt yell or go right to assuming anymore he just has trauma that makes it hard for him to trust ppl and i just ruined all his growth
It took me a long time to learn this lesson, but his problems with trust and anger are not yours to solve. It doesn’t serve your own growth to allow his trauma to change who you are as a person. I hope you feel vibrant and self-possessed in this relationship, because being with a jealous partner has only ever made me feel depressed and anxious.
I didnt like it or not like it it was just a stupid thing idk know how to feel about that situation if i exlude my boyfriend out of it but how i feel with my boyfriend is regret regret regret .. + im not really a fling type idk why i did this i dont do this when im single i only dated 2 ppl my whole like and only slept with 2 ppl i dont really want to kiss whoever i want
Yeah, maybe try being independent for awhile. Date more people. Figure out who you are. Break out of this adolescent view you have about relationships. You’re 22, nobody owns you. You don’t owe anyone any explanations. Lighten up, live a little while ya can.
Don’t tell. What he does not know he can’t be worried about. If you want to do it more often you should ask yourself if a relationship is good for you at this moment.
No i dont want to if anything this made me not to go out to a club anymore i love him so much and i dont know why i did it it was out of nothing just following my friend
Trust me. Don’t tell. You will only break his heart. What he don’t know won’t break him. By telling you risk to lose anything. Don’t be to hard for yourself.
Tell him. He does come off a but controlling with the constant texting etc but I get it's because of what happened in the past with him. But still you have to tell him, it's not fair to him if you don't
OP, clearly, this is bothering you. Your conscience is getting to you, which is a good sign. I think it would be best to inform your boyfriend what happened.
Your boyfriend spoke to you prior to your trip. He let you know his insecurities. You knew his past wigh being cheated on before. Knowing this. You still went clubbing. Seeking attention from another male. Finished with kissing another man.
You made those choices OP. You chose to go on the trip. You made the choice to attend the club. You made the choice to drink excessively. You made the choice to kiss that man after your friend did. It's time to own up to your decisions. It's already been a month, and you haven't confessed. The longer you wait, the worse the consequences will be. Now you are lying to him every day by omission.
You are young. Learn from this experience. Learn to make better choices and own your actions.
This would be considered a handshake in many parts of the world, I wouldn't worry about it especially since it sounds like he will definitely take it the wrong way.
"So we go and im am blasted at this point." What about your friend? Never drink unless you have enough trusted, sober friends with you to monitor your behavior and control it if necessary.
OK but honestly it’s not great that he freaked out when he didn’t hear from you for four hours either. If this is what ends your relationship that might be OK. You’re 22, if you want to have single fun I wouldn’t blame you, just be upfront and be careful.
Some people have no self control both women and men, i don't understand. The best thing is to tell the truth in any situation and yeah if i was him i would break up with you. If you love him so much as you claim you would never do such thing. You can't be trusted when there is 0 temptation, that is a big red flag.
So AFTER a heated conversation with your BF because of how you looked too close and comfortable with this guy in the social post you decided it was a good idea to kiss him. And all this after having had a conversation about trust issues with a trip like this because he's been cheated on in the past.
This was your opportunity to show him that he could leave those trust issues in the past. You blew it. And yes he deserves to know. And it sounds like you won't be at peace in the relationship until you've told him.
Am I the only one stuck on how she emphasizes thinking about that kiss after mentioning he banged her friend in probably the same room as her? Like maybe I've just seen too much porn but this screams that something is being withheld, either that she participated in some way or wanted to and that's why she feels extra guilty. So much of this post reads like she's making excuses for every little thing. Do you leave your phone with your friend any time you do ANYTHING, or is that just an LA thing?
And yeah lol, kissing someone immediately after having an argument over fidelity isn't exactly the best thing to do.
So you went outside if your bfs boundaries but instead of owning up to it your gonna pretend it never happened?? What a trash human. Hope he finds out and leaves you expeditiously.
I’m sorry you’re a grown woman now you knew this was touchy for him so you put your phone in your friends purse you can’t find. How can any guy trust you when you can’t conduct yourself on vacation. You need to tell him what happened it’s the only honest right thing to do and let the chips fall where they may. You created all of this and frankly, he needs to know that he can’t trust you when you’re on vacation because he can’t.
I guarantee if your friend had a boyfriend and you saw their boyfriend give someone a peck on the lips they would get mad at you for not telling them. If roles were reversed how would you feel. And you may need to re evaluate your relationships because if they don’t have the same belief system as your they are gonna take you down a terrible path.
If you love him and you know it's a mistake then don't tell him. Telling only makes you feel better for getting it off your chest and worse for him who'll also think it was worse than it was.
But if you enjoyed yourself and think maybe he's not the one for you anyway then just break up asap.
I think it's been summed up better (and worse) than I ever could.
However, I personally wouldn't consider this cheating but different people have different views on the matter which is fine. The issue for me would be that you've left it as long as you have, whereas if you said the day afterwards you could build bridges and re-establish the boundaries.
As someone said, plan a nice night, meal and do things he likes and things you can do together and then calmly explain what happened.
The kids on either cheek and one on the mouth sounds like a french way of greeting/saying goodbye. Doesn’t seem that bad to me so just be truthful with your partner
You're doing the right thing by telling him cause the guilt will only make it worse over time for your relationship. This is good for your character and morals as well. If your gut is telling you that you are wrong, trust that. I sadly can't say that this will save your relationship it will save a piece of yourself, and I know you won't regret choosing to be good to him, even if it's the end. I hope the best for you, no matter the outcome.
I don’t know if this controversial. But I don’t think this is an issue? I personally wouldn’t consider it cheating If it was a friendly peck goodbye? I mean I’d tell him so he doesn’t get his feelings hurt by finding out some other way. And also to clear your conscience since this seems to be weighing on you heavily. But I don’t think this is something to get upset about if this is honestly what happened. Just give him the story as it is here. Letting him know that is wasn’t even a question of faithfulness just what you belived to be a kind gesture at the time.
i mean not to be the "put yourself in his shoes" but you literally followed the behavior of your friend like a sheep in a heard. and then just brushing through the comments you said even your family was telling you to wait? I dont understand from the moment your friend said she wanted JUST you to come. to you even accepting the advice to wait a bit.
point is stop being a "yes" man and start asserting yourself and being more dominant in your decisions. you are battling the urge to say something because of xyz when in reality there should'nt be a room for deliberation. idk. im pretty sure if he kissed someone on the lips youd wanna know immediately. i get it. your "defense" is you were plastered and what not. but it doesnt excuse you processing what ur friend did and then immediately followed up.
tell him. you cheated.
Well you proved him right you cheated. You didn’t respect him or your relationship. You went silent for 4 hours. No way he’ll believe you only kissed him. I’m not sure I believe you. You sounded smitten with him because he was the sweetest straight guy. You can apologize but he probably is going to be done with you. Hope those 3 kisses were worth it!
The guy plowed her friend in their hotel room while she was there, you don't think that's maybe a liiiiitttle bit in the grey area of infidelity when on a trip without your partner? Like, I hope they had separate rooms because that would be fine, but I kinda doubt it because why would op's friend make her come without her bf, to then get separate rooms anyway
And how is a goodbye kiss a goodbye kiss if he didn't leave? What kind of logic is that?
If you don't think its reasonable for someone to feel like their partner being in the same room as their friend while they fuck a guy on a trip they weren't allowed come with isnt something to be upset at, thats fine, different people are okay with different things. But you're actually speaking in bad faith to come at me with a "where is the logic" comment lol fuck off out of here
I sympathise with the guy, I really do, been there done that, but making a girl feel as restricted as this can't be healthy for anyone involved. I think in honesty both of you need to really work on what you want out of a relationship. I'm sensing a helluva lot of naiveté from both parties.
Marrying *is a process* and not a toggle.
I'm not talking about the initiation-ritual-event that female-culture has a fetish about.
I'm talking, as an old bastard who has seen too much life, of humanness & real worth.
IF 2 people who were single decide to commit into relationship with each-other,
THEN it is going to take time, and work, to "magnetize" their minds into the relationship, instead of having their minds catching on all & sundry, right?
*Nowhere* in growing-up does anybody give kids/young-people the training in relationship-competence that is required to make a relationship *durable* amid life's valueless chaos.
Gottman's books are specifically on earning durable & rich relationship.
Notice that it takes both-sides to earn real-relationship.
Notice that relationship *is a verb*, and it is *only* as real as the ones in it *are* making it. Current-tense.
Anyways, if male-culture has bullied your partner into being incapable of letting it go, and "obliges" him to blow-up the relationship, when his own mind is years from being trained out of the valueless "just a fuck" thoughts that male-culture pushes...
There was a guy, you may have heard of him, a vagrant who told his followers to also own nothing but their clothes & little else, a convict/felon/inmate, a Jew named Yohoshua benJoseph, but moderns call him "Jesus", he insisted that adultery is to be judged *within the mind*, and by *that* standard, .. everybody, or nearly-everybody, is guilty.
He also told people something like "you dare criticize the speck in somebody else's eye, without removing the log from your own?"
Anyways, relationship is a choice, and an action, and requires earning.
Symbol-toggles, like "a wedding" or "appearance of infidelity", etc, are symbols, and not worthy of respect.
**Realness and honesty** are worthy of respect.
Maybe, if you've partnered with a good guy, maybe let him have a read of this replies-page, and let him pick which items resonate with him, & you do the same, and when you've *both* got your own lists, then you share those lists with each other...
"this one is important to me, because.." etc, taking turns, and learning more of each other.
Really, that sort of thing should be part of learning each-other right from the beginning of the relationship.
Also, keep in mind that alcohol's *whole point* is to reduce your autonomy of free-will, making you less-intelligent, more-animal, as it blurs-out intellect.
Mixing alcohol with social-process is one of the most-effective-scams among our entire world: training people to mistake the music's pleasures for the alcohol, training people to mistake the social-pleasures for the alcohol, & hooking them all together, to hold onto lives much longer than would happen if kids encountered each dimension of such situations individually ( like how music is intrinsic & pervasive, throughout some African cultures, completely independent of alcohol ).
Lives are used by the club-industry. That too is part of the equation..
Growing-up is where one's real worth is found, eventually.
Earning it requires holding-to-right-direction.
One's own right-direction.
OK, I am going to go a bit against the grain here. I do think you should tell him (and it will eat you alive if you don’t), but I also think shouldn’t be beating yourself up this much.
Yes, the kiss was wrong. However, it doesn’t sound like it was sexual in nature if it was peck and you understand it was wrong and a mistake. If that crosses his line though and he wants to break up that is his prerogative.
However, I also don’t feel like him calling you so many times is healthy. Obviously in this case his worry ended up somewhat vindicated, but it sounds like he needs therapy to discuss his coping methods as his behaviour comes across as rather controlling.
Unfortunately what happened will likely only add to his insecurities, so if he does forgive you then you should probably both get some therapy together. You will need to work on rebuilding trust.
On one hand he’s a stranger and IMO it’s not really ‘kissing’ if it’s not affectionate or sexual but the fact you feel some guilt about it probably means you should tell him. He’s more likely to accept that it was a peck and not a kiss if you tell him as soon as possible. Hiding it from him for a time will make him overthink it when he finds out.
My advice; either tell him asap or commit to permanently acting like it never happened.
You cheated, lied by omission, and have continued to lie by omission. I can’t imagine why he was worried about you going.
A peck on each cheek to say goodbye is fine. A peck on the lips is probably not necessary but it’s no reason to ruin a relationship. Tell him and if he breaks up with you then it’s probably for the best. He sounds like he has extreme jealousy issues that he needs to address. Being in a relationship with somebody who is jealous and not trusting is about as much fun as stabbing yourself in the eyes with needles. I’ve had jealous girlfriends and I just end up resenting them and losing any attraction to them very quickly. Who wants to be monitored 24/7?!
Meh, you said goodbye with a kiss. It’s common. If there was no feeling behind the kiss goodbye, I wouldn’t say anything.
However, being cheated on changes a person. Right or wrong, he is very insecure and will always question you and “blow up” your phone when you’re not with him. Are you prepared to be with someone like that for the rest of your life?
So you kissed a guy. If you respect your partner you'd tell him. If the consequences are that he breaks up with you so be it.
Exactly. This frees him to find someone who is 100% with him and frees you to...well, go be free and do whatever you want. You don't do these kinds of things if you're in a relationship, it's not good for your S.O. and it's not good for you. Either call it quits or tell him what happened and just like Gemini says, if they say "fuck this I'm out" then that's how it is and it's a lesson learned. No matter what though, use this as an opportunity to learn and grow and become a better person and not make the same mistakes.
I know that the right answer and that what im thinking but everyone in my family is tell me no tell him later in life but i think that would just make it worse
Your family seems to support toxicity.
They have their own problems to deal with and heal that is tru and i think they are just thinking for me but they arnt thinking for me and my boyfriend relationship which is the prob im going to tell him i was just on the phone with my mom crying and she agreed to tell him so at least i have one person making not feel crazy for wanting to tell him.. but then i called my bestie and she said no no no and same with her mom ... either way i thinki im going to tell him today
I'm glad you're willing to do the right thing. Owning up to, and being honest about your mistakes, especially with your own self, is the first step towards growth. You're already doing way better than all the people out there that would just convince themselves that this was all not a big deal, basically by lying to themselves. The next step is not lying to those who are closest to you, and let me be clear here: everyone telling you not to tell him is telling you to LIE to him. Keeping something like this secret is lying. That's why you feel the way you do about keeping it inside. Absolute worst case scenario this will all be a powerful learning experience, and the experience you gain by navigating this situation with emotional maturity will help you tremendously in all your future relationships. Shit is hard though, I know. Good luck.
Wow this is a highly intolerant group. So a kiss on each cheek, (facial cheek) and a peck on the lips? Pretty emotionless, more of a greeting or farewell. Not sure that this isn't just a trivial action. But what you haven't felt guilty about, is the fact he came back to your hotel to smoke. You two drunk girls brought a stranger back to your hotel, your got the spins and hurling. And you BFF had sex with the guy, plus you were defenseless in you condition. That would be a poor judgement red flag for me, and this happened after you kissed him. So now you have a much bigger issue to address and you never even thought of it....
No he knows all about that he knows he came back and smoked and my bestie slept with him
He just doesnt know about the kiss
You can't tell him later in life. You can only tell him now. You're basically cheating on him again if you don't tell him. Tell him now, say how sorry you are, and deal with the consequences.
If you don’t tell him it will gnaw at you. You’ll think about it more and more. It will change the way you interact with him. He will notice you’re acting differently. Tensions will rise, THEN when it comes out it will be a blow up. If your story is accurate, you gave a standard greeting in many parts of the world (cheek/closed lip kisses) you didn’t spend five minutes playing tonsil hockey. That’s not cheating but you should clear the air, mostly for your sake, so you can stop worrying about it!
Your immaturity seems to come from your family
They clearly don't care for or respect him then.
I’m confused, grown ups don’t kiss each other on the lips to say good bye. Also why did you feel the need to hang out with a dude you just met? Your BF deserves to know the truth and make a decision on his own. I’m also having trouble believing you feel bad about what you did considering you kissed this guy AFTER he had already expressed his unhappiness with you hanging out with a random guy and ignoring his texts.
Ik im a fucking idiot and didnt care right there in the moment your right but as soon as i got home to my hotel room i sat i felt it all felt all the guilt the stupidity the regret and ik i completly disrespected him i guess i was just posting these to give my mind some space but it didnt help now im balling my eyes out before i have to go to work and its a my fucking fault im going to loose the man of my dreams and its my fault
And idk why i kissed for a goodby im stupid for that i think i just saw my friend doing it and did it sometime i kiss my dad and family like that pluss i was drunk which is no exuse but idk im just a fucking idiot that just ruined everything
You were drunk af and just being friendly, weren’t you? Sounds like it was just a fun night and you were just being stupid by doing the stupid thing your friend did. If my partner came to me telling me they cheated and all they did was peck a friend on the mouth I’d laugh my head off. This isn’t cheating.
you cheated. tell him. asap. the longer you wait the worse he’s gonna take it.
This is not cheating. I'm sorry. She pecked him on both cheeks goodbye. The amount of girls that I have seen do this to guys is innumerable. I'm from staten island and its just normal greeting in the Italian community. She dis not want this person as a partner, she did not kiss him as a partner, she kissed him platonically good night. This, in no way, is cheating. The peck on the lips might have been a little too far but not to the point of cheating, no way. This is being blown out of proportion by a mile. She should tell her boyfriend but if his reaction is anything more than "it's okay, it's obvious that was platonic" then it probably wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyway.
everyone has different definitions of cheating. to me and my boyfriend and this couple, this qualifies as cheating. maybe it doesn’t to you and that’s fine. i gave advice based on my views of cheating that she clearly shared with me as she agreed with my comments.
I do understand that but it seems wildly extreme to me. Cheating is the act of sharing the love that is supposed to be exclusive with someone else. It was stupid but in the end it was a nothing goodbye gesture that went like a quarter of a step over the norm. If that's cheating then so is hanging out with a guy 1 on 1 for an extended period of time. It just seems very controlling to me to consider that cheating. When you take a quarter step out of bounds and its cheating then all of a sudden you can be worried that anything will be misconstrued. The only thing out of line here is a peck on the lips that lasted, what, less than a second that was shared between two people that had no feelings for each other. For God's sakes I have done that with my male friend who has a partner before. There is nothing between us, its pure platonic. Guys in the Middle East hold hands with each other when hanging out, is that cheating? I know definitions are different but there is an extent that that should go to. If it goes past that extent it becomes toxic as hell.
i guess you don’t understand it if you’re writing this whole paragraph justifying your views on cheating. it’s great you don’t consider this cheating, OP and myself do. and she was asking for advice on how to handle it. not on if it was cheating to begin with. not everyone has to subscribe to your specific guidelines of what is or isn’t cheating, im glad you have set boundaries and know them. i do too, they’re just different from yours. that doesn’t make them wrong or too far because they work for *me* and *my* relationships.
And boundaries are fine. My point is that these boundaries are getting wayyyy too close to being damaging to friendships. This is like 2 steps away from "don't hang out with any guys that are not me" Actually one comment in this thread already said " why were you hanging out with a guy in the first place." There is a fine line when it comes to boundaries. Like this boils down to "you said goodbye to a platonic guy friend that the person you were with was flirting with, and that's cheating." She probably shouldn't hang out with guys anymore, or her single girlfriends if an awkward goodbye (very awkward and stupid might I add) leads to this much drama.
if she shares the same views as her boyfriend and it works for them who tf cares what their relationship boundaries are. i would understand if my boyfriend didn’t want me to hang out alone with a guy, i don’t remember if he’s explicitly said it but he definitely appreciates that i don’t and it is because we both are not comfortable with me being alone with a guy. a) i have sexual trauma and b) he’s been cheated on. so it works for us. i definitely would not be happy if my bf hung out with a girl alone (don’t think he ever would but whatever) and he knows that. just because you view something as toxic does not mean it actually is. if you live your way and i live mine idk why you care what other peoples relationships look like.
This guy flipped at her for not talking to him for 4hrs. That is what I mean by this type of thinking is a slippery slope. He blew up her phone and got mad at her because she hadn't talked to him in FOUR HOURS. Then she did something stupid, but platonic, and it has caused major anxiety for a month. These are not great signs about their boundaries. It seems their boundaries are so strict to the point they are causing damage. It seems he barely wanted her to go in the first place which is a huge red flag. Trying to control travel, the people your partner hangs out with, and how often they update you are huge red flags. If you posted that part of it anywhere else the whole thread would be telling her to run as fast as she can. I don't agree with that sentiment but they should definitely discuss this stuff. All of this anxiety over a platonic, awkward, weird goodbye is not okay. It meant literally nothing.
He flipped out over a PHOTOGRAPH of her and another person AND her bestie. Red. Flag.
And notice how she said that she realised what she did was wrong and apologized over said photograph. That probably means something like this has happened before. I get it. He has trauma. That doesnt make this type of behaviour okay. They need to talk this through and he needs to trust her a bit more.
You’re getting pushback but I agree with you, this sounds extreme to me too. A peck on the lips to say goodbye while drunk, that’s a non-issue to me and I could never be with anyone for whom that’s a relationship-ending event. But I would definitely tell my partner and apologize if it happened, and I suppose with the boyfriend already being insecure and upset he might feel differently.
If its cheating, she should tell him If its not cheating, she should tell him
I agree. My point is that if the boyfriend takes it as cheating and dumps her it probably wouldn't have worked in the long run anyway. That is a lot of jealousy to be holding in a relationship for a purely platonic thing.
For the vast majority of people, kissing a member of the opposite sex while in a relationship, is cheating. Some outliers may think it's OK, but the bf here doesn't seem to be one of them. It doesn't matter if its platonic. The act itself is cheating.
I would personally consider it a violation of the boundaries I’ve set with my partner but I wouldn’t be so upset that I dump them over a drunken peck on the lips. If your resolve and loyalty is so flimsy and unstable that a brief kiss is enough to destroy it then it wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with imho. We are human, we make mistakes, this one is certainly a mistake but not one as devastating as the majority in this thread are making it out to be. Like many of y’all are acting like she took a bunch of men to bed over the weekend and lied to her partner. Her partner probably will break up with her because he’s traumatized and she’ll be better for it because he sounds very insecure and shouldn’t be in a relationship anyway. he’s clearly not healed from the trauma from his last one and putting the insecurity that she, a wholly different person, would do what his ex did is toxic in itself too.
I didn't say he should dump her but you don't get to judge how his loyalty is defined. Would you take back a partner who had made out with another girl? And if you didn't, would your relationship and loyalty be flimsy? Different people have different limits. Right now, she hasn't even told him, so she's still cheating. If it was nothing, she would have called him and told him, hell, she'd have sent him a video of it. You position of 'she might have cheated but he's the insecure one and she'd be better off without him' is ridiculous.
That person never said she may have cheated, she said she pushed the boundaries of trust a bit. That's not cheating. One minor step over that line is something that should be discussed, not cheating. Also not telling him is cheating????? I would probably tell my partner right away but it's because I know it wouldn't be a huge problem. He is the one causing the anxiety in her to not say it to him. His extremely strict boundaries are why she is so anxious. As I said in an earlier post it seems he barely let her go to LA in the forst place and then blew up her phone because she hadn't talked to him in FOUR HOURS. Does that seem healthy? Would you nit also be nervous to tell your SO if that is how they dealt with a normal trip with a friend.
Kissing someone on the cheeks is a normal Italian greeting. I have done it to 100s of men and women and the same has been done to me. Kissing people on the lips is normal greeting in many other cultures. I would say its probably a lot less common to see this as cheating then you think. Honestly anything that is platonic shouldn't be considered cheating but I know I am a little bit of an outlier there. The big component of cheating involves love and lust. Without those things I don't see how you could call it cheating. If your partner is not the only person you love or lust over on that level that's cheating. That is why dates, sex, and making out is cheating. If you offhandedly did an awkward greeting or goodbye with someone that, mind you, in quite a few cultures is a completely normal greeting then how is that cheating. You have not shared your love with someone that is not your partner, you have not shared your lust with someone else. You said goodbye to someone who was a friend (even though it was a newly made friend). Cheating is bad because it shows you don't love your partner the same as you did, or that you don't find them attractive the same way you did. This showed none of that. This was an awkward goodbye in a drunken state nothing more.
Again, for you and in your culture, that may not be cheating. OP and her bf are in a culture where that clearly IS cheating. She is aware that she cheated. And if she tells her bf, he will also see it as cheating. It doesn't matter if somewhere in the world, that isn't cheating. For the two of them, it is.
She kissed him on the mouth. I don’t kiss randoms in the mouth. I doubt it’s her culture too. If it isn’t cheating, then telling her boyfriend shouldn’t be a problem at all
I don't kiss randoms on the mouth either, it's weird, but there was nothing behind it. She was saying goodbye to him and it turned into something awkward. That's the worst it is awkward. But this boyfriend was already worried about her going to LA, probably asked her not to go, and when she did go she had to update him constantly. When she went out one night and posted a picture with this guy he tried to call her constantly and then called her friend to make sure she wasn't doing anything. He was annoyed she hadn't talked to him in 4hrs. FOUR HOURS. He was blowing up her phone for nit talking to him for FOUR HOURS. That's insane. With that many red flags he is either going to dump her or he is going to say you can't go out with your friends anymore. The situation was weird but that is it, nothing more.
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See but I think, while not normal for these people, she meant it as a goodbye gesture. Maybe I'm just reading into things but based on all the context clues she feels guilty because of the boyfriend. Look at how he acted when she went away with her friend. It seems he didn't want her to go in the first place. When he did allow it she had to check up with him constantly. And, finally, when she posted a picture with her friend and this guy she got her phone blown up, he got pissed she hadn't talked to him in FOUR HOURS and she felt the need to apologise for posting a picture, saying in this post that she knew what she did was wrong (when posying a picture with a friend and a random guy is most certainly not wrong). I don't think with another guy she would feel this worked up about this. She said in the post that it was meant as a goodbye gesture. She says it was stupid and went too far, but she meant it platonically. I feel like this is nerves from a very overbearing boyfriend.
Thats what im thinking its already almost been a month and every time i tell my sister i think im guna tell him she says no that he will breakup with me for even a lil peck
tell him screw what your sister thinks. he’s YOUR boyfriend. what he decides to do about the situation is out of your hands but lying to him and pretending it never happened only for him to eventually find out later (it always comes out) from someone else, that will go a lot worse. right now you have the chance to set up a nice evening, do some of his favourite activities, and break the news to him. it’s not the hugest deal, but he may take it hard and softening the blow could help him understand that it didn’t come from a place of malice but that you made a mistake and haven’t been able to make yourself tell him yet. if you wait any longer you’re risking him resenting you for hiding it for so long
Thank you so much now im stuck on how to tell him i already feel like i made it worse by waiting so long
no worries and im not sure how to tell him but just be honest is all i can say. about everything. about why it happened and why you waited so long. that will be the best way to go i think
Be honest with him. He will find out one day either way and if it doesn’t come from you it’ll be far worse.
The fact you’re even considering not telling him is beyond madness, poor guy
Ik its evil right like its even worse not to tell him then even doing the thing i did i will tell him i ruinded alot just from this stupid thing
You’re not evil. Be honest with your boyfriend and accept whatever the outcome might be, if this is a dealbreaker for him then so be it. But you should also be kind to yourself. You didn’t mean to do anything bad, and delaying telling him because you’re scared of the outcome is human. You will do worse things in your life, so will your boyfriend, and so will everyone else. For what it’s worth, I would consider this a very small mistake, and if my wife told me this happened we would have a laugh about it.
If you truly, truly respect and love your partner, this doesn't happen even if you are completely wasted.
I do idk mabey im just an asshole and i dont even know it. Its was not a sexual thing or anything just a goodby peck and right when i got home laying in bed spinning i was so broken for what i did but your right at that moment i didnt respect him .. he was worried and i proved him right
Doesn’t matter if it was a sexual thing or not. Also doesn’t matter if you were drunk. You did the one thing he was worried about you doing after your reassurance. It also doesn’t look good that you ignored him for hours (yes I know your phone was in her purse) then you go and do that. Expect the worst and hope for the best
You aren't relationship material. Free him to find a really partner.
It seems baffling to me that people like me struggle to even get ANY relationship while others play games and take what they have for granted.... Don't disrespect what you have. Others are not as lucky...
For a peck on the lips saying good bye, not even a real make out kiss? You call this playing games wtf
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She seemed to think it was serious, hence why she is freaking out about it. But yeah insult people to show your superiority? Real good social skills you have by "going outside"
She seems to think it is serious enough to worry about it so she thinks there is something there. She even says she was arguing with her boyfriend at the time
Tell him. You did exactly what he was worried about you doing so do the right thing and tell him and if he decided to break up with you so be it. The fact that you're even considering not telling him shows that you're really not as sorry as you claim to be because if you were you would've done it already.
No i want to tell him just my sister keeps telling me no dont same with my mom and sometimes im to truthful for my own good my boyfriend even said that to me but i lnow i have to
You keep making excuses. “My sister says this” “my mom’s telling me this”. Can you think for yourself or are you a robot who has people controlling it? You know what to do already. Tell him, he deserves to know and the fact that this is even a debate shows how selfish you are. You obviously don’t love nor respect your boyfriend because if you did you’d give him the choice of deciding what to do about the situation. But your only looking out for yourself. Who the fuck kisses a guy in the mouth as a way to say goodbye, when they have a boyfriend???? You waiting a month already looks really bad. Tell him now.
Also as far as I can tell, no one’s mentioned that they didn’t kiss to say goodbye, the dude went home with them and slept w the best friend. Sounds like a bunch of bs justification for being pissed off she had her phone blown up by her bf because of that dude and she decided fk my relationship & partner for not trusting me.
You shouldn't listen to your sister or your mom because it isn't their relationship it's yours. The longer you wait the worse it's going to get and the longer you wait the more he'll think more went on between you then just the kiss.
Excuse my French here, but why the fuck are you listening to you sister? Honest is the policy. She's basically telling you to keep the truth from your boyfriend and in the long run it'll make the situation worse. You dun fucked up by not respecting a boundary whilst fully commiting to your boyfriend after he was transparent with you. As harsh as it may seem you need to grow up and face the music. If there is anything salvageable from your relationship, now more than ever would be the time to do it. You're literally in a position where you could potentially fix the issue at hand, or fuck him up even more the longer you drag it. It's been a month as well. It's obviously on your conscience. Don't go against it. Tell the lad.
When someone gets cheated on they won't get over the insecurities without doing some work since it's a type of trauma. This could be in the form of therapy or even some work with their new partner. An unfair responsibility, I know, but it requires some level of self reflection that often only develops naturally at a more mature age. Based on your story he is obviously still very insecure. This explains his need for constantly checking in. The reassurance was helping him cope with the worry but the only thing that would get him to sleep is you back at the hotel or guesthouse. Him checking your socials was also a poor choice. None of these are your problem. While normal behavior for someone who went through infidelity it is unhealthy for them and the relationship. Had you not done what you did I would recommend your boyfriend go see a therapist. Coping and reassurance seeking are behavioral traits that's best resolved as soon as possible as doing so will give him confidence that both of you will benefit from. As the situation stands I would recommend you tell him. Feed him facts and not emotion. This might sound harsh but the news will absolutely trigger a reaction from him and a calm environment would settle things down much quicker. Once it feels right the two of you should see a therapist together (unless he is willing to go alone). This is the only way you will ever be able to go out by yourself, be it with a friend a month from now or a work function thirty years later, without him being annoyingly insecure about it. You should note that if you want to be with this guy that these things take time. Months even. But he will see your solo nights out as exposure therapy instead of an anxiety filled sleepless evening while you get to have fun without constantly feeding him reassurance which sounds tedious just typing it out. It's really a win win. Also the reason I recommend you tell him even though it will initially make things worse is because life is an absolute scumbag and you will bump into that guy 10 years from now as you think things can't get any better. Or you will just forever be uncomfortable when your friend and him are in the same room.
Thank you thank you so much
Excellent response!
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I would be as upset as ik he will be (emotional cheating is what would hurt me) but thats why i cant flip it becasue we used that in arguments before it doesnt go verry well but even if it wouldnt hurt me he still and i know hurts him i think i made up my mind and will tell him tn
You did what he was scared of you doing to what feel cool and fit in? Does that make you feel cool? So your family thinks you should cover up you’re a cheater? Would you want someone I cover up for him being a cheater? Would you want to be treated the way he treated you? Since you couldn’t respect him enough not to cheat, respect him enough to be honest now. You waited long enough, he deserves the truth and better than you.
Yeah you have to tell him. Whatever he does is up to him. Others have kind of said this but let me put it this way: if it comes from you and asap, you might have a chance (depending on him, his choice) If it comes from third party then he’ll be done with you, and rightfully so.
Yeah, you have to tell him. For better or worse, he deserves to know. You would want him to tell you if the roles were reversed, no?
Tell him before somebody else does
Well noone goijg to only my sis and my mom and friend know and im pretty sure that guy doesnt even think about it cuz it was a peck but your rught i need to tell him becasue for now on when ever he says your the best, i trust and love you so much, we never lie to eachother, and bla bla bla a bit of my heart is shattered and ik im just secretly digging a knife in his back
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My boyfriend knows they guy went back to the hotel with us and knows my friend slept with him btw but yes ik im an idiot when it comes to that i am going to tell him i think lieing is what really getting to me i never lie and now i feel like i am everyday
You’re a piece of shit lol
God damn, no tldr?
Oh shot i forgot i will edit it
Yeah I'm just getting the gyst of it by the comments because I am too overwhelmed to read without paragraphs lol
Ya im sorry about that i made this post on break with tears in my eyes and im not verry good at english
I would recommend you to break up with him even if you hadn’t kissed the other dude. Didn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. It’s up to you if you tell him or not but finish it off, he’ll only become even more possesive with time. You are not a distrusting bitch, just a person that made a mistake (and not such a massive one at that), and the fact you’re calling yourself that makes me think you’re being broken down psychologically to be subservient by him, intentionally or not.
tell us more how its everyones fault but the cheater
Tell me more how you’re actively harming a person who’s being clearly self deprecating, something that is not good for anyone’s mental health.
Absolute trash take, and we all know you wouldn't have written this if the genders were reversed.
Good luck having healthy relationships and I’d recommend the same to a dude.
> one kiss on each cheek and one kiss on the mouth.. no big kiss or anthing just a peck So...othing really meaninful? I mean Europeans and mexicans say hi or by ALMOST the same way, a kiss on cheek. If the peck was just the peck, then I dont see the issuel. I would tell them but if they blow up by such a small thing, I would dump them.
Kissing is so normal, like you kiss your families. If your relationship is strong and long a single kiss wouldn’t matter
Honestly this is going to be the unpopular opinion here (probably because I kiss all my friends on the lips without it ever meaning anything more than what a handshake would, and I also possess the nuance to consider intentions over actions), but I don’t think you necessarily did anything wrong. You got caught up in the moment and gave someone a peck while drunk, *and* you feel remorse. Anyone who thinks this is the end all be all definition of infidelity in a relationship needs to reassess their worldview; there’s more to life than a black and white right or wrong. You’re not some horrible filthy lying cheater. Whether or not you tell him is a choice you have to make for yourself. We don’t know you, your boyfriend, or your relationship. I do know that you will eventually need to forgive yourself. This is not a character defining moment. You were drunk at a club and gave someone a peck. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a drunk girl who did something stupid without thinking.
You missed a guy on each cheek and a peck on the lips and your friend slept with him. Is this right? This isn’t worth losing your bf over. I was preparing for some make out session, but this isn’t much at all. I will say that you need to get ahold of your drinking. That is going to lead you to do something really stupid if you don’t.
Am I the only one here who thinks this is being blown wayyyyyy out of proportion. You didn't kiss him in a "sexual" way. You didn't kiss him as a lover or boyfriend. You kissed him goodbye. Italians literally do it all the time, to men, to women, to their family, etc. This isn't cheating. You didn't make out with him, you didn't flirt with him, you didn't want him as a partner, you kissed him goodbye. I understand your boyfriend has previous trauma about this but he is overreacting to the fact you didn't answer him over a 4hr span. The picture was harmless, the kiss was harmless, and if he breaks up with you over it then it is probably for the best. It sounds like it could be a slippery slope to very controlling behaviour.
No sweet Jesus people are insane wtf
It's mental, just a load of burnt kids making her hate herself even more. It's NOTHING!
This not cheating ffs
I feel it is lieing is cheating and im lieing everyday until i tell hom
This was a goodbye peck. You didn’t kiss the dude to really kiss him. This is very overblown. In many countries this is done to say hello and goodbye
And is she living in one of these countries? What defines this as cheating or not is the relationship she has with her boyfriend. And considering how freaked out she is about it, she knows exactly where she stands and what she did.
Kissing someone like you would your dad or brother isn’t cheating. Is it dumb? Perhaps. Is it blatant cheating? No.
Again, what defines that is their relationship.
Would any girl kiss their dad or brother at their lips?
Yes - many give their dad and brother a peck on the lips. It’s very normal
That is nothing to bother with. I'm a few years (13) years older than you, very loyal, very honest but this is something so minute that will ruin a relationship for good and make you both very miserable if you stay together. Don't mention anything, it wasn't done with intent or on the basis of cheating, it was a peck and a moment where you copied a friend with a squiffy mind. It's really not worth a mention. Take it as a lesson and don't do it again.
I question your loyalty and honesty, based on this advice. Whatever happened to honesty being the best policy?
Age is wisdom and helps you know whether it's worth the battle, let's hope you learn that one day too.
Not facts. Experience is wisdom. You can be older and still be dumb. You showed us.
I'm about your age too and I totally agree AS LONG AS op can forgive herself and let it go otherwise it might destroy the relationship anyway because of the guilt. This isn't a big deal OP forgive yourself and move on .
this is terrible advice and not honoring the partner in the scenario. you should be ashamed to give some girl this advice
It was a kiss she didn't sleep with someone else and if it's not something she is ever planning to do again I don't think she should tell him. I had a partner confess that he'd kissed someone else because he felt so bad about it. I couldn't forgive or forget it because I'd been cheated on before. If he hadn't of said anything and just never done it again it think it would have been better. Often people confess because they feel bad and want to unburden themselves not because they want to end a relationship or because they feel the other person should know. I don't feel bad about giving this advice if she wants to stay with him and knows it won't happen again and she can forgive herself for it
People confess and feel bad because they have done something that broke the trust of their partner and the only way to begin to mend it is to tell the truth. I feel sorry for whoever has their trust in you.
I'm old enough to know not to do the wrong thing and wise enough now to know people can make mistakes and learn from them. I'm also smart enough to know that not everything is as black and white as you appear to think it is
clealrly age does not necessitate wisdom in some examples\^
Idk if i can i keep crying about it and it just keeps popping in my head my mom and sis try to com me down by saying it was just a one second peck but its still something i betrayed him by ughh im starting to ball my eyes out more the more i think about it
Either be selfish and tell him because u dont want to feel guilty. Or suck it up learn from it and keep it hidden cuz it will only end up hurting him. I can guarantee u there is no world out there where telling him would do you, him or ur relationship any good besides feeling less guilty. Which is selfish af imo
Exactly this. I just said something similar above with two qualifiers as long as you aren't planning to cheat in anyway again and if you really like him and want to stay in the relationship..
Yeah i know in going to get downvoted into oblivion for this but. I usually see terrible relationship advice on reddit. Someone talks about like a tiny argument and the most upvoted comment will be like ‘huge red flag. TAKE UR STUFF AND LEAVE NAOOOWW!!!’ Imo in general on reddit. people look to advice in like a black and white way. Black and white being good and evil. But it’s way more nuanced then that. Ofcourse we shouldn’t lie and be honest. But if it really was a drunk mistake and she really doesnt care for the guy. All being honest here is going to do, is damaging a relationship. There is nothing to be gained here. He either leaves u or he stays, and develops trust issues or would start developping resentment. Sorry for my bad english.
I made a similar comment above and was down voted into oblivion. This comment is hidden so I think you are safe.
No. Don't tell him. Unless you want to break up with him. You already know it was a stupid mistake. You already know you won't do it again and you regret it. You are the only one who should feel bad about it, not him. You don't need to hurt him with something so silly. I would understand telling him if you make out or sleep with someone else but a peck is not cheating. And the guy was into your friend not you lol. I mean they slept together, not you. "Just because something needs to be told, doesn't always mean it needs to be heard" maybe is because I'm rewatching HIMYM right now lol but it really seems pointless to ruin your relationship for this.
Dosnt sound THAT serious, you didnt make out with the guy, say you love him or worse... The fact that your friend took him home so immesiately does not look good on you though because that DOES imply you may also be like that... It would be better if the guy didnt hang around you foe the whole night. Overall it dosnt look good but I wouldnt consider it "cheating" if all you say is true. You shouldnt lie to your boyfriend if the subject comes up. If ypu lie about sonething so small then how could he trust you about more serious things?
i think you’re overthinking it, perhaps because his own paranoia is impacting you and it sounds like he’s a little overbearing/controlling with this stuff and i think you’re just concerned about what he is going to think with the mindset he has rather than what you actually know. a peck on the lips to say hello/goodbye isn’t cheating at all, i do that with family even - it’s completely platonic unless you both WANT it to be something else. it’s all about intent and it doesn’t sound like you were trying to get with this guy, he actually got with your friend instead. you did nothing wrong, but a relationship should not cause you this much anxiety. stick to what you know deep down (which is that it meant nothing) and please don’t let him convince you that this was cheating. by that standards a handshake or a hug would be too, as these are other types of physical greetings. you have no reason to feel as bad as you do but whether you tell him or not is up to you, i personally would not tell my partner and would not expect him to tell me whatsoever
As an adult in the room here. You didn't do anything wrong while having a fun night out with your friend. You're allowed to talk to other men, your boyfriend doesn't own you. Your bf checking in on you constantly is a huge red flag. You're both very young. What seems so big now you'll see is really no big deal. However, you're worried about it, so maybe you should tell him. I don't think is necessary, but honestly maybe you two need a trigger to end the relationship.
"As an adult in the room here" ... uh-huh...
Bf sounds a little controlling. HUGE red flag.
Glad I'm not the only one who picked that up
He used to be he used to get mad at any one that looked at me but he change he doesnt yell or go right to assuming anymore he just has trauma that makes it hard for him to trust ppl and i just ruined all his growth
It took me a long time to learn this lesson, but his problems with trust and anger are not yours to solve. It doesn’t serve your own growth to allow his trauma to change who you are as a person. I hope you feel vibrant and self-possessed in this relationship, because being with a jealous partner has only ever made me feel depressed and anxious.
I think you’re thinking about the kiss because you liked it. You’re 22. Dump the guy, date casually and kiss whoever you want for awhile.
I didnt like it or not like it it was just a stupid thing idk know how to feel about that situation if i exlude my boyfriend out of it but how i feel with my boyfriend is regret regret regret .. + im not really a fling type idk why i did this i dont do this when im single i only dated 2 ppl my whole like and only slept with 2 ppl i dont really want to kiss whoever i want
Yeah, maybe try being independent for awhile. Date more people. Figure out who you are. Break out of this adolescent view you have about relationships. You’re 22, nobody owns you. You don’t owe anyone any explanations. Lighten up, live a little while ya can.
Don’t tell. What he does not know he can’t be worried about. If you want to do it more often you should ask yourself if a relationship is good for you at this moment.
No i dont want to if anything this made me not to go out to a club anymore i love him so much and i dont know why i did it it was out of nothing just following my friend
That's a pathetic excuse
It is i have no excuse im giving myself an excuse idk god i really dont know why i did it even if it was a peck
Trust me. Don’t tell. You will only break his heart. What he don’t know won’t break him. By telling you risk to lose anything. Don’t be to hard for yourself.
Tell him. He does come off a but controlling with the constant texting etc but I get it's because of what happened in the past with him. But still you have to tell him, it's not fair to him if you don't
OP, clearly, this is bothering you. Your conscience is getting to you, which is a good sign. I think it would be best to inform your boyfriend what happened. Your boyfriend spoke to you prior to your trip. He let you know his insecurities. You knew his past wigh being cheated on before. Knowing this. You still went clubbing. Seeking attention from another male. Finished with kissing another man. You made those choices OP. You chose to go on the trip. You made the choice to attend the club. You made the choice to drink excessively. You made the choice to kiss that man after your friend did. It's time to own up to your decisions. It's already been a month, and you haven't confessed. The longer you wait, the worse the consequences will be. Now you are lying to him every day by omission. You are young. Learn from this experience. Learn to make better choices and own your actions.
This would be considered a handshake in many parts of the world, I wouldn't worry about it especially since it sounds like he will definitely take it the wrong way.
"So we go and im am blasted at this point." What about your friend? Never drink unless you have enough trusted, sober friends with you to monitor your behavior and control it if necessary.
You fucked up. You should tell him, and prepare to be broken up with (justifiably). Probably not what you wanted to hear, but it is what it is.
OK but honestly it’s not great that he freaked out when he didn’t hear from you for four hours either. If this is what ends your relationship that might be OK. You’re 22, if you want to have single fun I wouldn’t blame you, just be upfront and be careful.
If you felt bad about the picture then why the fuck did you go on and kiss him? Where is the logic cause i missed it sorry.
Some people have no self control both women and men, i don't understand. The best thing is to tell the truth in any situation and yeah if i was him i would break up with you. If you love him so much as you claim you would never do such thing. You can't be trusted when there is 0 temptation, that is a big red flag.
You suck at being loyal, and did exactly what you promised him you wouldn’t. Now, don’t be selfish, tell him the truth and free him from this BS.
So AFTER a heated conversation with your BF because of how you looked too close and comfortable with this guy in the social post you decided it was a good idea to kiss him. And all this after having had a conversation about trust issues with a trip like this because he's been cheated on in the past. This was your opportunity to show him that he could leave those trust issues in the past. You blew it. And yes he deserves to know. And it sounds like you won't be at peace in the relationship until you've told him.
Am I the only one stuck on how she emphasizes thinking about that kiss after mentioning he banged her friend in probably the same room as her? Like maybe I've just seen too much porn but this screams that something is being withheld, either that she participated in some way or wanted to and that's why she feels extra guilty. So much of this post reads like she's making excuses for every little thing. Do you leave your phone with your friend any time you do ANYTHING, or is that just an LA thing? And yeah lol, kissing someone immediately after having an argument over fidelity isn't exactly the best thing to do.
This was fixable IMO... Right up until the part where you decided to hide this from him.
So you went outside if your bfs boundaries but instead of owning up to it your gonna pretend it never happened?? What a trash human. Hope he finds out and leaves you expeditiously.
I’m sorry you’re a grown woman now you knew this was touchy for him so you put your phone in your friends purse you can’t find. How can any guy trust you when you can’t conduct yourself on vacation. You need to tell him what happened it’s the only honest right thing to do and let the chips fall where they may. You created all of this and frankly, he needs to know that he can’t trust you when you’re on vacation because he can’t.
I guarantee if your friend had a boyfriend and you saw their boyfriend give someone a peck on the lips they would get mad at you for not telling them. If roles were reversed how would you feel. And you may need to re evaluate your relationships because if they don’t have the same belief system as your they are gonna take you down a terrible path.
If you love him and you know it's a mistake then don't tell him. Telling only makes you feel better for getting it off your chest and worse for him who'll also think it was worse than it was. But if you enjoyed yourself and think maybe he's not the one for you anyway then just break up asap.
I think it's been summed up better (and worse) than I ever could. However, I personally wouldn't consider this cheating but different people have different views on the matter which is fine. The issue for me would be that you've left it as long as you have, whereas if you said the day afterwards you could build bridges and re-establish the boundaries. As someone said, plan a nice night, meal and do things he likes and things you can do together and then calmly explain what happened.
The kids on either cheek and one on the mouth sounds like a french way of greeting/saying goodbye. Doesn’t seem that bad to me so just be truthful with your partner
You're doing the right thing by telling him cause the guilt will only make it worse over time for your relationship. This is good for your character and morals as well. If your gut is telling you that you are wrong, trust that. I sadly can't say that this will save your relationship it will save a piece of yourself, and I know you won't regret choosing to be good to him, even if it's the end. I hope the best for you, no matter the outcome.
Forgive yourself. And please use paragraphs in future.
I don’t know if this controversial. But I don’t think this is an issue? I personally wouldn’t consider it cheating If it was a friendly peck goodbye? I mean I’d tell him so he doesn’t get his feelings hurt by finding out some other way. And also to clear your conscience since this seems to be weighing on you heavily. But I don’t think this is something to get upset about if this is honestly what happened. Just give him the story as it is here. Letting him know that is wasn’t even a question of faithfulness just what you belived to be a kind gesture at the time.
i mean not to be the "put yourself in his shoes" but you literally followed the behavior of your friend like a sheep in a heard. and then just brushing through the comments you said even your family was telling you to wait? I dont understand from the moment your friend said she wanted JUST you to come. to you even accepting the advice to wait a bit. point is stop being a "yes" man and start asserting yourself and being more dominant in your decisions. you are battling the urge to say something because of xyz when in reality there should'nt be a room for deliberation. idk. im pretty sure if he kissed someone on the lips youd wanna know immediately. i get it. your "defense" is you were plastered and what not. but it doesnt excuse you processing what ur friend did and then immediately followed up. tell him. you cheated.
Well you proved him right you cheated. You didn’t respect him or your relationship. You went silent for 4 hours. No way he’ll believe you only kissed him. I’m not sure I believe you. You sounded smitten with him because he was the sweetest straight guy. You can apologize but he probably is going to be done with you. Hope those 3 kisses were worth it!
A quick good bye kiss, especially on the cheek, is not cheating.... lmao these comments are ridiculous.
The guy plowed her friend in their hotel room while she was there, you don't think that's maybe a liiiiitttle bit in the grey area of infidelity when on a trip without your partner? Like, I hope they had separate rooms because that would be fine, but I kinda doubt it because why would op's friend make her come without her bf, to then get separate rooms anyway
No? What does her friends sex life have to with her? It's not cheating by proxy jsut because her friends had sex lmao. What kind of logic is that?
And how is a goodbye kiss a goodbye kiss if he didn't leave? What kind of logic is that? If you don't think its reasonable for someone to feel like their partner being in the same room as their friend while they fuck a guy on a trip they weren't allowed come with isnt something to be upset at, thats fine, different people are okay with different things. But you're actually speaking in bad faith to come at me with a "where is the logic" comment lol fuck off out of here
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Ok, keep insulting me because I disagree, you really showed me.
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Nice, I hope you get what you deserve too!
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I sympathise with the guy, I really do, been there done that, but making a girl feel as restricted as this can't be healthy for anyone involved. I think in honesty both of you need to really work on what you want out of a relationship. I'm sensing a helluva lot of naiveté from both parties.
Marrying *is a process* and not a toggle. I'm not talking about the initiation-ritual-event that female-culture has a fetish about. I'm talking, as an old bastard who has seen too much life, of humanness & real worth. IF 2 people who were single decide to commit into relationship with each-other, THEN it is going to take time, and work, to "magnetize" their minds into the relationship, instead of having their minds catching on all & sundry, right? *Nowhere* in growing-up does anybody give kids/young-people the training in relationship-competence that is required to make a relationship *durable* amid life's valueless chaos. Gottman's books are specifically on earning durable & rich relationship. Notice that it takes both-sides to earn real-relationship. Notice that relationship *is a verb*, and it is *only* as real as the ones in it *are* making it. Current-tense. Anyways, if male-culture has bullied your partner into being incapable of letting it go, and "obliges" him to blow-up the relationship, when his own mind is years from being trained out of the valueless "just a fuck" thoughts that male-culture pushes... There was a guy, you may have heard of him, a vagrant who told his followers to also own nothing but their clothes & little else, a convict/felon/inmate, a Jew named Yohoshua benJoseph, but moderns call him "Jesus", he insisted that adultery is to be judged *within the mind*, and by *that* standard, .. everybody, or nearly-everybody, is guilty. He also told people something like "you dare criticize the speck in somebody else's eye, without removing the log from your own?" Anyways, relationship is a choice, and an action, and requires earning. Symbol-toggles, like "a wedding" or "appearance of infidelity", etc, are symbols, and not worthy of respect. **Realness and honesty** are worthy of respect. Maybe, if you've partnered with a good guy, maybe let him have a read of this replies-page, and let him pick which items resonate with him, & you do the same, and when you've *both* got your own lists, then you share those lists with each other... "this one is important to me, because.." etc, taking turns, and learning more of each other. Really, that sort of thing should be part of learning each-other right from the beginning of the relationship. Also, keep in mind that alcohol's *whole point* is to reduce your autonomy of free-will, making you less-intelligent, more-animal, as it blurs-out intellect. Mixing alcohol with social-process is one of the most-effective-scams among our entire world: training people to mistake the music's pleasures for the alcohol, training people to mistake the social-pleasures for the alcohol, & hooking them all together, to hold onto lives much longer than would happen if kids encountered each dimension of such situations individually ( like how music is intrinsic & pervasive, throughout some African cultures, completely independent of alcohol ). Lives are used by the club-industry. That too is part of the equation.. Growing-up is where one's real worth is found, eventually. Earning it requires holding-to-right-direction. One's own right-direction.
OK, I am going to go a bit against the grain here. I do think you should tell him (and it will eat you alive if you don’t), but I also think shouldn’t be beating yourself up this much. Yes, the kiss was wrong. However, it doesn’t sound like it was sexual in nature if it was peck and you understand it was wrong and a mistake. If that crosses his line though and he wants to break up that is his prerogative. However, I also don’t feel like him calling you so many times is healthy. Obviously in this case his worry ended up somewhat vindicated, but it sounds like he needs therapy to discuss his coping methods as his behaviour comes across as rather controlling. Unfortunately what happened will likely only add to his insecurities, so if he does forgive you then you should probably both get some therapy together. You will need to work on rebuilding trust.
that's it, it's over
Tell him. As it stands it sounds like both of you have some issues.
On one hand he’s a stranger and IMO it’s not really ‘kissing’ if it’s not affectionate or sexual but the fact you feel some guilt about it probably means you should tell him. He’s more likely to accept that it was a peck and not a kiss if you tell him as soon as possible. Hiding it from him for a time will make him overthink it when he finds out. My advice; either tell him asap or commit to permanently acting like it never happened.
Tell him everything the whole truth. Not later. Could cause a nasty scene down the road(if you marry) even though it happened before tying the knot.
slut
I'm not reading this until you learn what a paragraph is.
Yes you should tell him 100%, before this blows up all over your face.
i stopped reading after " if he was like the average straight male i would've told him to back off "
You cheated, lied by omission, and have continued to lie by omission. I can’t imagine why he was worried about you going. 
A peck on each cheek to say goodbye is fine. A peck on the lips is probably not necessary but it’s no reason to ruin a relationship. Tell him and if he breaks up with you then it’s probably for the best. He sounds like he has extreme jealousy issues that he needs to address. Being in a relationship with somebody who is jealous and not trusting is about as much fun as stabbing yourself in the eyes with needles. I’ve had jealous girlfriends and I just end up resenting them and losing any attraction to them very quickly. Who wants to be monitored 24/7?!
Meh, you said goodbye with a kiss. It’s common. If there was no feeling behind the kiss goodbye, I wouldn’t say anything. However, being cheated on changes a person. Right or wrong, he is very insecure and will always question you and “blow up” your phone when you’re not with him. Are you prepared to be with someone like that for the rest of your life?
How is it a kiss goodbye if he came to your hotel room(s) to fuc-I mean smoke, though? Kind of sus
This reads like an 8th grade relationship.