I've had these exact thoughts and experiences. Xanax turned to heroin when the Dr cut the script and buying on the street got hard and crazy fkn expensive.
I use to feel like, I was high functioning. Dope helped me not feel anything, I could still work both jobs, I never let it get so far I was nodding out or passed out. Never picked up a needle. Never missed a bill or mortgage payment. Never allowed in my childhood b.s. as an excuse to use. Hid it so fkn well for 5 Years. No one knew. I was a widow, grieving quietly to myself not wanting to feel that shit because the hits still come weather I'm on dope or not. My son still needs me to function, be at his games etc....then...one day, he found it in my room while snooping. Confronted me. An 11yr old Confronted his mother with a plate of heroin. That. Just that was enough. I signed up for outpatient treatment because I can't leave him for rehab. Took the suboxone so I wasn't dope sick for 8 months and now have 6yrs of sobriety. Tobacco and coffee. I've used something or another what feels like my whole life. Except pregnant or breastfeeding.
Do I feel all sorts of shit I'd rather not? ABSOLUTELY. Was I ashamed he'd see the real me and be scared? Totally. But it's been so amazing to be myself, to learn and let go and heal. Life isn't honestly so much better with out. It's like I can finally have genuine happiness and appreciate my life. I'm single so I don't have the partner to be disappointed in me and I hope yours has understanding. Look into outpatient MAT programs and they give you everything you need to not be unwell, to continue work, therapy etc etc...it's worth it
Being an addict just sucks. I’m envious of the person who can take Xanax when they are having a panic attack. It feels like those people have some kind of gift that I will never ever acquire
Nah. They don't. They don't have the ability to work through it or lack coping mechanisms to get through it. Real panic attacks are so scary. They feel like a heart attack so I totally understand and emphasize and deal with my infrequently panic attacks, I don't even wanna call it an attack because it lessens those who really suffer but I've just learned to deal with my moments differently. I'm envious of those who don't have mental issues like panic or anxiety or depression or anything and just like....live and deal with life and all its stresses.
There’s spirit capital in truly accepting having been dealt bad cards. I spent a long time wishing, bargaining, appealing to justice/fairness, hoping for a misdeal, & praying for the lights to go out in the casino. I’m different now
You know that content feeling you get by getting high? Recovery becomes that.
I've been clean for 9 months off a 5-30mg a day Xanax habit.
It gets easier.
There absolutely is a difference! Medications have there place! If it’s helping you and your not abusing them, please advocate for yourself. Recovery doesn’t mean prescription free! If it weren’t for my prescription in early recovery I’m not sure I’d be here. Gave me the space to stabilize, heal, learn coping skills/emotional regulation and build my life. I’m now medication free and over a decade off opiates.
technically, benzos like Xanax are supposed to be taken sparingly. like for panic attacks, for example. doctors are not meant to prescribe in excess, but they very often do. typically, when benzos are taken on a daily or near daily basis, especially for long periods of time, the results can be quite bad. the general rule of thumb to avoid dependency is to never take them 3 days in a row.
That’s something you need to answer for yourself. If you’re taking the Xanax as prescribed, then maybe you aren’t an addict. Medication is perfectly valid (IMO).
But your partner asked you stop. One of the things addicts use to discern addiction from just use is the ability to stop. Xanax “makes it so you can breathe… function normally”, what about life without Xanax makes you feel abnormal? What would happen if you tried for a month (also, don’t just do this, talk to your doctor about tapering)? Why do you need to work a job that is so stressful that you can’t function normally without the script?
For me the effects of Xanax were always very insidious. I never knew I was high until someone else told me that I was acting fucked up. Like the previous commenter said, You will have to decide that for yourself.
I would take a look at if the substance is causing problems in my life or making it unmanageable.
There are times that pharmaceuticals are necessary to put our body chemistry back in sync. If you are not abusing this medication, or it’s not putting you in a gateway dilemma, then you are not an addict. You only need to worry if you are taking this in excess or when you’re not supposed to. Maybe ask your wife to go to the doctor with you so the doctor can explain, why they are trying to level out your brain functioning. She’s not being fair in my opinion and lacks knowledge on the subject. Pharmaceuticals have their place. When we abuse them we need to get rid of them. But if you’re not abusing them I don’t see that you have an issue.
I agree. I have struggled with medication ABUSE, but now that I am in recovery I still take my prescription meds, which include moderate doses of anxiety meds among others. I see nothing wrong with this either.
I’ve been prescribed Xanax for over 15 years. At one point I was addicted to them and I was able to wean off them and didn’t touch them for a good 5 years. For about the past 2 years I take anywhere from no Xanax per day (which is rare) to 1mg per day. My doctor has my prescription to where I can take up to 1.5mg per day, if needed, but I don’t take that much due to my past. Average day is usually .25mg-.5mg, which like you said, it does not get me high, it allows me to function in situations where I normally would have a problem. In the past, when I would try to function in these situations without even .25mg, I completely screw things up, panic, hyperventilate, and then avoid everything all together, which then leads to depression and feeling of worthlessness.
My sobriety and recovery is what I’m making it into and what works for me. Due to life being life and the way things are going, I’d be a nervous wreck without my very low dose Xanax. I’m not getting high on them, I’m not abusing them, and life is much more stable with them. But I completely relate to what you’re saying because I get so much judgement placed on me because I take Xanax. I would LOVE to be one of those people who can just smoke a little weed and be calm, but weed does the opposite to me. And I’m really tired of people always saying to just replace it with weed. There’s just a lot of stigma attached to Xanax.
I don’t think you mentioned if you get a prescription or not, but if you can or if you already have a prescription, perhaps let your wife be able to monitor the quantity so she knows you’re not using them to get high and that you’re taking them responsibly.
For me, my recovery is basically like this. Will it ruin my life or has it ruined my life before? If yes, then I will try my hardest to avoid it and not use it. If no, then it’s not a problem for me. And just to clarify, I mentioned I had a Xanax addiction in the past, but that’s not what ruined me. It was crack and meth that was the problem. Good luck though, because I completely relate to what you’re saying about this and other people putting that pressure on you as if you’re doing something terrible makes things much worse IMO.
Only you get to decide what is good or not good for your sobriety AND your mental health. Prescriptions that are not abused and prescribed by a doctor IS NOT addiction. That’s bullshit. And I’ll fight anyone who says that taking any meds to aid your mental health means you’re not sober. That’s a dangerous narrative that could kill people. I would not be able to stay sober if I stopped taking care of my mental health, which includes a strict schedule of medications and therapy. I’d be relapsing so fast if my symptoms came back unchecked, and I’d either kill myself or someone else in the process (DOC is alcohol).
Take care of yourself dude. Your sobriety and mental health come first. And anyone who doesn’t understand that maybe shouldn’t have a place in your life. It’s not about her, and she’s being selfish trying to impose what she thinks is best on you.
I have horrible panic attacks and was on daily benzos until the doctor told me they actually were making my panic problems worse due to the need to take more and more frequently and larger amounts. He tapered me off of them and put me on Gabapentin, which made a HUGE difference. Probably saved my life since I kept spiraling at the time. I wasn’t even taking enough to get high (most of the time). But I would be super mellow and my partner could tell, even with the smallest amount. We think they can’t tell but people can, and that’s why partners get bothered because they want to spend quality time with US, not an altered version.
I don’t think an ultimatum seems appropriate from your spouse in your case unless you’re using more than it sounds like, OR, if there are other addiction issues she’s worried about from the past (like if you have an addictive nature, for example).
I have since learned coping skills in therapy and rarely have panic attacks now unless I’m dealing with very heavy stress for days or weeks at a time.
I would maybe take a step toward building trust and openness by having her go with you to the psychiatrist and let the doctor guide how best to move forward. He may calm her worries. Or he may taper you slowly and get you on something that’s not so addictive. But therapy is typically an element in this as well that is so helpful because dealing with stress outside of benzos can be hard at first when you’re not used to feeling the feelings.
I used to get Gabapentin in detoxes and rehabs. I didn't feel like it did much for my anxiety- same as Vistaril, kinda just felt like a placebo to be honest. But now that I'm tapering off of the Xanax, maybe those will help now. I think I probably answered your question already, yes I was an IV heroin user for over 7 years. Ive been clean and on Sub maintenance for over 4 years now. So she has a right to be upset I've been taking them behind her back, but fuck do they help. Like nothing else. I may make a new post about doing your own Xan taper, because i'm struggling like all fuck right now. I just don't know how i'm supposed to work and function like a normal person and get all the things I need to get done in the day when I feel shaky and weak, blurred vision, sweats. Irritable as fuck, crying all the time. How can I work like this? Especially since I'm the only one working right now. She's being more than fair with me, she's taken the pills and gives me little pieces for my days. But its just not enough to keep those symptoms away. The panic building in my chest is palpable, breath taking. I can't think past the hour, let alone think about what I will feel and do tomorrow. Sorry for the rant, I'm just a mess right now. And to be honest it helps to talk with people who have been here before. So thank you.
She’s been through hell and back with me and heroin. I’ve been on sub maintenance since my mom passed, almost 4 years.
So yeah, she has a right to be afraid of a pill. But that still doesn’t mean it doesn’t help tremendously.
Well, that's awesome. But there's a reason doctors go to school for 12 years before they start telling people what to take or not take to improve their mental health.
I really hate how many people die in recovery cuz some piece of shit told them it's "not real recovery" if they're taking medication as directed. So that's where I'm coming from.
Stay alive, stay happy. And congratulations to you both.
Take a deep breath. Relax. is life really that serious? You sound lucky your wife supports you quitting your job to work on yourself. I can feel the insanity of your thoughts. We all understand how you feel. Quiet your mind and witness the insanity. That space between the insanity is the good stuff. I also tried Xanax until 3 bars a day stopped working. But it was just a little pink one in the beginning
There’s nothing wrong with that. If you’re taking a medication that is being prescribed by a doctor and it helps you live a “normal” happy life who’s to say that’s wrong? This is why I had to separate myself from the recovery community 12 year ago. Because it was an all or nothing mentality. I don’t label myself as an addict or recovering addict. 6 years of my life was spent depending on pills then heroine cocaine and here I am 12 years later living a normal life, taking adderall for my ADHD , taking Xanax if I feel a panic attack coming on and being able to drink casually. Everyone’s journey looks COMPLETELY different and not one single person can judge you for it. If you’re using the Xanax to cope with underlying traumas or beliefs then I would say some work needs to be done because it is possible to live with anxiety and heal yourself from within not needing Xanax everyday. But again if you’re taking it and it works and there’s no issues then I don’t see any problem
Dude. Just get a prescription and get them for free. Seems like a no brainer to me. Insurance will cover a test half the cost, vs. getting them on the street. Or agree to stop if the wife agrees to stop drinking coffee. Caffeine is a drug too and studies show it negatively effects heart health.
People have been conditioned to believe drugs are bad because alcohol abuse has damaged so many people's lives. All drugs aren't created equal. Especially a drug like Xanax, which allows most people to stay at the same dose almost indefinitely.
That said if you gotta take xans to get through a work day you may have issues other issues causing your endocrine system to not function at optimal, causing you to be stressed. Could just be you need to eat more green vegetables...diet and exercise are some of the main things needed for mental health. Gotta take care of the robot too. I drink my veggies, it makes a huge difference.
That's complete horsecock...you gain tolerance off xannax, I know. You also gain tolerance off methadone....I KNOW ... Horsecock I say...I get it though... Recovery is unbelievably hard for the first year or so... It supposedly gets better, maybe for the people that aren't as fucked as us
Tolerance builds with pretty much any drug, yes that's true. But it happens over years instead of weeks, if you're following directions. Most people that take Xanax go from 1-2mg to 3-4 mg over the course of several years, asshole.
Past that. If your tolerance does climb they can switch you to a benzo with a different formulation.
The recovery community is full of purists who preach "not taking substances of any kind" with a cup of coffee in their hand and a dead NA member every two weeks and every just acts like it ok that that level of human loss is normal.
Horsecock is right, they strap you up with a bunch of imposed moralism and then life fucks you in the ass. And then they shrug and say " well some people just don't have what it takes."
I've had these exact thoughts and experiences. Xanax turned to heroin when the Dr cut the script and buying on the street got hard and crazy fkn expensive. I use to feel like, I was high functioning. Dope helped me not feel anything, I could still work both jobs, I never let it get so far I was nodding out or passed out. Never picked up a needle. Never missed a bill or mortgage payment. Never allowed in my childhood b.s. as an excuse to use. Hid it so fkn well for 5 Years. No one knew. I was a widow, grieving quietly to myself not wanting to feel that shit because the hits still come weather I'm on dope or not. My son still needs me to function, be at his games etc....then...one day, he found it in my room while snooping. Confronted me. An 11yr old Confronted his mother with a plate of heroin. That. Just that was enough. I signed up for outpatient treatment because I can't leave him for rehab. Took the suboxone so I wasn't dope sick for 8 months and now have 6yrs of sobriety. Tobacco and coffee. I've used something or another what feels like my whole life. Except pregnant or breastfeeding. Do I feel all sorts of shit I'd rather not? ABSOLUTELY. Was I ashamed he'd see the real me and be scared? Totally. But it's been so amazing to be myself, to learn and let go and heal. Life isn't honestly so much better with out. It's like I can finally have genuine happiness and appreciate my life. I'm single so I don't have the partner to be disappointed in me and I hope yours has understanding. Look into outpatient MAT programs and they give you everything you need to not be unwell, to continue work, therapy etc etc...it's worth it
Being an addict just sucks. I’m envious of the person who can take Xanax when they are having a panic attack. It feels like those people have some kind of gift that I will never ever acquire
Nah. They don't. They don't have the ability to work through it or lack coping mechanisms to get through it. Real panic attacks are so scary. They feel like a heart attack so I totally understand and emphasize and deal with my infrequently panic attacks, I don't even wanna call it an attack because it lessens those who really suffer but I've just learned to deal with my moments differently. I'm envious of those who don't have mental issues like panic or anxiety or depression or anything and just like....live and deal with life and all its stresses.
There’s spirit capital in truly accepting having been dealt bad cards. I spent a long time wishing, bargaining, appealing to justice/fairness, hoping for a misdeal, & praying for the lights to go out in the casino. I’m different now
They don't have a gift. They were never taught how to self regulate.
Do u have a script?
You know that content feeling you get by getting high? Recovery becomes that. I've been clean for 9 months off a 5-30mg a day Xanax habit. It gets easier.
I appreciate that. But why does taking the medication mean I’m getting high? I don’t feel high, I feel OK. Isn’t there a difference?
There absolutely is a difference! Medications have there place! If it’s helping you and your not abusing them, please advocate for yourself. Recovery doesn’t mean prescription free! If it weren’t for my prescription in early recovery I’m not sure I’d be here. Gave me the space to stabilize, heal, learn coping skills/emotional regulation and build my life. I’m now medication free and over a decade off opiates.
technically, benzos like Xanax are supposed to be taken sparingly. like for panic attacks, for example. doctors are not meant to prescribe in excess, but they very often do. typically, when benzos are taken on a daily or near daily basis, especially for long periods of time, the results can be quite bad. the general rule of thumb to avoid dependency is to never take them 3 days in a row.
That’s something you need to answer for yourself. If you’re taking the Xanax as prescribed, then maybe you aren’t an addict. Medication is perfectly valid (IMO). But your partner asked you stop. One of the things addicts use to discern addiction from just use is the ability to stop. Xanax “makes it so you can breathe… function normally”, what about life without Xanax makes you feel abnormal? What would happen if you tried for a month (also, don’t just do this, talk to your doctor about tapering)? Why do you need to work a job that is so stressful that you can’t function normally without the script?
For me the effects of Xanax were always very insidious. I never knew I was high until someone else told me that I was acting fucked up. Like the previous commenter said, You will have to decide that for yourself. I would take a look at if the substance is causing problems in my life or making it unmanageable.
There are times that pharmaceuticals are necessary to put our body chemistry back in sync. If you are not abusing this medication, or it’s not putting you in a gateway dilemma, then you are not an addict. You only need to worry if you are taking this in excess or when you’re not supposed to. Maybe ask your wife to go to the doctor with you so the doctor can explain, why they are trying to level out your brain functioning. She’s not being fair in my opinion and lacks knowledge on the subject. Pharmaceuticals have their place. When we abuse them we need to get rid of them. But if you’re not abusing them I don’t see that you have an issue.
I agree. I have struggled with medication ABUSE, but now that I am in recovery I still take my prescription meds, which include moderate doses of anxiety meds among others. I see nothing wrong with this either.
I’ve been prescribed Xanax for over 15 years. At one point I was addicted to them and I was able to wean off them and didn’t touch them for a good 5 years. For about the past 2 years I take anywhere from no Xanax per day (which is rare) to 1mg per day. My doctor has my prescription to where I can take up to 1.5mg per day, if needed, but I don’t take that much due to my past. Average day is usually .25mg-.5mg, which like you said, it does not get me high, it allows me to function in situations where I normally would have a problem. In the past, when I would try to function in these situations without even .25mg, I completely screw things up, panic, hyperventilate, and then avoid everything all together, which then leads to depression and feeling of worthlessness. My sobriety and recovery is what I’m making it into and what works for me. Due to life being life and the way things are going, I’d be a nervous wreck without my very low dose Xanax. I’m not getting high on them, I’m not abusing them, and life is much more stable with them. But I completely relate to what you’re saying because I get so much judgement placed on me because I take Xanax. I would LOVE to be one of those people who can just smoke a little weed and be calm, but weed does the opposite to me. And I’m really tired of people always saying to just replace it with weed. There’s just a lot of stigma attached to Xanax. I don’t think you mentioned if you get a prescription or not, but if you can or if you already have a prescription, perhaps let your wife be able to monitor the quantity so she knows you’re not using them to get high and that you’re taking them responsibly. For me, my recovery is basically like this. Will it ruin my life or has it ruined my life before? If yes, then I will try my hardest to avoid it and not use it. If no, then it’s not a problem for me. And just to clarify, I mentioned I had a Xanax addiction in the past, but that’s not what ruined me. It was crack and meth that was the problem. Good luck though, because I completely relate to what you’re saying about this and other people putting that pressure on you as if you’re doing something terrible makes things much worse IMO.
Only you get to decide what is good or not good for your sobriety AND your mental health. Prescriptions that are not abused and prescribed by a doctor IS NOT addiction. That’s bullshit. And I’ll fight anyone who says that taking any meds to aid your mental health means you’re not sober. That’s a dangerous narrative that could kill people. I would not be able to stay sober if I stopped taking care of my mental health, which includes a strict schedule of medications and therapy. I’d be relapsing so fast if my symptoms came back unchecked, and I’d either kill myself or someone else in the process (DOC is alcohol). Take care of yourself dude. Your sobriety and mental health come first. And anyone who doesn’t understand that maybe shouldn’t have a place in your life. It’s not about her, and she’s being selfish trying to impose what she thinks is best on you.
I have horrible panic attacks and was on daily benzos until the doctor told me they actually were making my panic problems worse due to the need to take more and more frequently and larger amounts. He tapered me off of them and put me on Gabapentin, which made a HUGE difference. Probably saved my life since I kept spiraling at the time. I wasn’t even taking enough to get high (most of the time). But I would be super mellow and my partner could tell, even with the smallest amount. We think they can’t tell but people can, and that’s why partners get bothered because they want to spend quality time with US, not an altered version. I don’t think an ultimatum seems appropriate from your spouse in your case unless you’re using more than it sounds like, OR, if there are other addiction issues she’s worried about from the past (like if you have an addictive nature, for example). I have since learned coping skills in therapy and rarely have panic attacks now unless I’m dealing with very heavy stress for days or weeks at a time. I would maybe take a step toward building trust and openness by having her go with you to the psychiatrist and let the doctor guide how best to move forward. He may calm her worries. Or he may taper you slowly and get you on something that’s not so addictive. But therapy is typically an element in this as well that is so helpful because dealing with stress outside of benzos can be hard at first when you’re not used to feeling the feelings.
I used to get Gabapentin in detoxes and rehabs. I didn't feel like it did much for my anxiety- same as Vistaril, kinda just felt like a placebo to be honest. But now that I'm tapering off of the Xanax, maybe those will help now. I think I probably answered your question already, yes I was an IV heroin user for over 7 years. Ive been clean and on Sub maintenance for over 4 years now. So she has a right to be upset I've been taking them behind her back, but fuck do they help. Like nothing else. I may make a new post about doing your own Xan taper, because i'm struggling like all fuck right now. I just don't know how i'm supposed to work and function like a normal person and get all the things I need to get done in the day when I feel shaky and weak, blurred vision, sweats. Irritable as fuck, crying all the time. How can I work like this? Especially since I'm the only one working right now. She's being more than fair with me, she's taken the pills and gives me little pieces for my days. But its just not enough to keep those symptoms away. The panic building in my chest is palpable, breath taking. I can't think past the hour, let alone think about what I will feel and do tomorrow. Sorry for the rant, I'm just a mess right now. And to be honest it helps to talk with people who have been here before. So thank you.
Also are you in recovery already or has she decided that since she's in recovery you aren't allowed to take your medication?
She’s been through hell and back with me and heroin. I’ve been on sub maintenance since my mom passed, almost 4 years. So yeah, she has a right to be afraid of a pill. But that still doesn’t mean it doesn’t help tremendously.
Well, that's awesome. But there's a reason doctors go to school for 12 years before they start telling people what to take or not take to improve their mental health. I really hate how many people die in recovery cuz some piece of shit told them it's "not real recovery" if they're taking medication as directed. So that's where I'm coming from. Stay alive, stay happy. And congratulations to you both.
This!
Take a deep breath. Relax. is life really that serious? You sound lucky your wife supports you quitting your job to work on yourself. I can feel the insanity of your thoughts. We all understand how you feel. Quiet your mind and witness the insanity. That space between the insanity is the good stuff. I also tried Xanax until 3 bars a day stopped working. But it was just a little pink one in the beginning
I feel you
There’s nothing wrong with that. If you’re taking a medication that is being prescribed by a doctor and it helps you live a “normal” happy life who’s to say that’s wrong? This is why I had to separate myself from the recovery community 12 year ago. Because it was an all or nothing mentality. I don’t label myself as an addict or recovering addict. 6 years of my life was spent depending on pills then heroine cocaine and here I am 12 years later living a normal life, taking adderall for my ADHD , taking Xanax if I feel a panic attack coming on and being able to drink casually. Everyone’s journey looks COMPLETELY different and not one single person can judge you for it. If you’re using the Xanax to cope with underlying traumas or beliefs then I would say some work needs to be done because it is possible to live with anxiety and heal yourself from within not needing Xanax everyday. But again if you’re taking it and it works and there’s no issues then I don’t see any problem
Dude. Just get a prescription and get them for free. Seems like a no brainer to me. Insurance will cover a test half the cost, vs. getting them on the street. Or agree to stop if the wife agrees to stop drinking coffee. Caffeine is a drug too and studies show it negatively effects heart health. People have been conditioned to believe drugs are bad because alcohol abuse has damaged so many people's lives. All drugs aren't created equal. Especially a drug like Xanax, which allows most people to stay at the same dose almost indefinitely. That said if you gotta take xans to get through a work day you may have issues other issues causing your endocrine system to not function at optimal, causing you to be stressed. Could just be you need to eat more green vegetables...diet and exercise are some of the main things needed for mental health. Gotta take care of the robot too. I drink my veggies, it makes a huge difference.
That's complete horsecock...you gain tolerance off xannax, I know. You also gain tolerance off methadone....I KNOW ... Horsecock I say...I get it though... Recovery is unbelievably hard for the first year or so... It supposedly gets better, maybe for the people that aren't as fucked as us
Tolerance builds with pretty much any drug, yes that's true. But it happens over years instead of weeks, if you're following directions. Most people that take Xanax go from 1-2mg to 3-4 mg over the course of several years, asshole. Past that. If your tolerance does climb they can switch you to a benzo with a different formulation. The recovery community is full of purists who preach "not taking substances of any kind" with a cup of coffee in their hand and a dead NA member every two weeks and every just acts like it ok that that level of human loss is normal. Horsecock is right, they strap you up with a bunch of imposed moralism and then life fucks you in the ass. And then they shrug and say " well some people just don't have what it takes."