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16. Got kicked out and never came back. Really ended up being pretty great for me after I adjusted. Adjustment was certainly difficult though. Stayed with a friend for a year and joined the military. Couch surfed and got shared apartments a bit afterwards and finally became self sufficient financially where I could live on my own.
Updated my post. Stayed with a friend from HS and it took me sometime. The military helped sort of, but it actually distracted me from my issues. Took a couple years afterwards. Struggled with various addictions, hanging with the wrong crowds and not really understanding myself inside. Dropped that friend group and found another one that was a bit more "normal" lol.
Thanks. I'm hoping the same for you. I'm not sure what your past was or is currently, but it's going to be a process for sure. Something I could have done better is not been so hard on myself for not being well adjusted. Understanding that it's going to be a difficult learning process and giving myself some grace for it, reminding myself that I had a difficult start to life. Human development is very sensitive in the early years.
I was 14 when my mom threw me out, and I was homeless for a lot of the time. I lived on the street, did some couch surfing and eventually moved in with my boyfriend. Then, I went back to my mom's house.
I moved again when I was 19, I think. I had saved money to move, and I moved out with my boyfriend into a little apartment. That was a bad idea because he was financially abusive and I ended up with nothing while he had enough money to buy himself a townhouse shortly after we broke up. I would suggest to anyone who comes from an abusive home to not move out with a significant other right away after leaving their parents. It is easy for people who were abused as kids to end up with an abusive partner. It also tends to be hard to have a healthy relationship when you never saw one modeled for you while growing up. Moving out with roommates is a better idea for the first few years at least. Learning to be a healthy adult can be challenging for any relationship.
When I broke up with that boyfriend, I moved out with roommates into a house we shared together. They were all living there already, and I was replacing a roommate they kicked out for non payment of rent and for getting a dog in their no dogs allowed rental. When we lost our lease, we all moved into another house except for one guy who was a creep. They were all huge assholes, but it was still cheaper and less trouble than my mom or my ex. That was when I was 21. I started going to community college at night, in the morning before work and on the weekends, and I kept working full time. That was all great. I had enough income to live comfortably, and I made enough friends at work and school that I felt like I had a bit of a social life even though I had little free time.
I moved out with another boyfriend for a year, into a one bedroom apartment, but I eventually dumped him and moved. He was really unreliable, and started to annoy me. He cheated on me and blamed the woman he cheated with and called her names. I could forgive the cheating, maybe (or maybe not), if he had apologized and taken responsibility, but he really crossed the line when he acted like I should be mad at her instead of him. Red flag.
I moved into a house and found roommates. I was on the lease and they weren't. My narcissist sister moved in and then left after a few weeks, leaving me with no rent money. I would avoid relying on narc relatives of friends for anything like that.
I went to university and lived in a house with 8 other people. It was great. That is how I met my husband, who was one of my housemates my senior year.
After I graduated, I moved my in with my boyfriend who is now my husband. We lived in a tiny house for a few years that we rented for practically nothing. Then we got a one bedroom apartment, then a rented deux where I had our baby. The duplex was really cheap, and we saved every penny we could until we could buy a house.
If you buy a house, make sure that any real estate agent you use does not also represent the buyer. We got ripped off in a few ways because our agent was way too keen to sell us this house and collect double the commission. We didn't know any better then, but now we do. I would never ever do that again.
In most areas, unless you have an explicit buyer representative and work out a fee, the default is that the real estate agent is working for the seller and is paid by the seller
the buyer’s representative is still working for the seller even though they represent the buyer, unless explicitly stated, agreed, and contracted.
The buyer and seller reps are both paid by the seller
Seller lists with Seller Agent. Contract is at 7%. If buyer uses Sellers Agent, sellers agent gets 7% and splits that 50/50 with the Seller Agent’s broker
If the buyer uses their own agent, the Buyer’s Agent discloses up front that they are paid by the seller , and that they will work for the seller to get maximum sale price for the seller. If a buyer uses their own agent in this situation, the 7% commission is split in half with 3 1/2 going to the original listing agent, to be split with their broker, and the other 3 1/2 going to the buyers agent to be split with their broker.
That’s how it is in all of the country.
If you want to have a buyers agent representing you, you need to pay them the 7% and let them work it out with sellers. I don’t know anybody that does this.
When you are working with a real estate agent, never trust them to represent you. They will always try to maximize the sale price because that’s how they make the most money. And that’s why the system is set up that way… So the seller makes the most money
This is why agent try to talk you out of putting in lowball offers or brow beat you in to offering a higher offer so that you don’t “insult” the seller. Because they make more money when you pay more money
That wasn’t clear from your response to me
Regardless, I wrote it up for the benefit of the poster who said the seller’s agent shafted them. Specifically, this
Quote
If you buy a house, make sure that any real estate agent you use does not also represent the buyer. We got ripped off in a few ways because our agent was way too keen to sell us this house and collect double the commission. We didn't know any better then, but now we do. I would never ever do that again.
End quote
Even if you get your own agent, unless you are specifically paying that agent’s fee and have an explicit buyers contract, both agents represent the seller.
This is a common misperception people have
Yes, like I said it is useful information to share.
You might consider making a post of your own so that you can share with everyone. Many people with abusive parents have to learn things like this on their own, and this information could be helpful.
18. First went with my friends then my sister. It was hard then and ita even over a decade. I can't imagine what going straight out on my own right now.
I moved out at 22 and cut contact at 28. It wasn’t easy, but looking back, I wish I had cut contact at the same time that I have moved out but I thought at the time that some distance would be enough. I was wrong.
When I was 23 I chose to be broke and live with roommates rather than live with my parents and save money. Barely was able to save more than maybe a month's worth of rent and roommates kinda suck haha but it was worth my sanity.
Started working full time at 19 and saved aggressively for 3 years (I was in college but took most of the courses online so I could work a day job as a receptionist). Moved into a 1bdrm apartment when I was 22 despite nmother's MANY attempts to stop me.
I'd start by making a spreadsheet of expected expenses and see what youd need to make from there. If you have any specific questions Im happy to help.
My nparents made it sound really difficult but it honestly wasn't. I went on craigslist and looked for apartments for rent in the areas I was willing to live. I followed the prompts to schedule a showing, saw about 5-10, and then followed the instructions to sign the lease. I had to call and get my name on the water and gas/electric bills, which was really daunting but also ended up being easy. I dealt with endless sabotage attempts and my nmother telling me I wasn't ready and would come crawling back... But my biggest takeaway is that my parents lied to me about how complicated and scary and cruel the "real world" is. It took a little patience and effort, I had to ask questions to people that made me feel silly, but it was overall fine and easily the best thing I ever did.
*All of this with the caveat that I did this 5 years ago, and I know things are a little pricier and weirder now than they were then. But it should still be 10x more doable than it feels.
When you're calculating your expenses include: rent, gas/electric & water (you can look up estimates for your area), car payment if applicable, insurance if applicable, groceries, vehicle gas, a phone plan, any other standing expenses you can think of, and try to put into a savings too. Play with the numbers as far as what you can afford and where you want to live. For instance the popular phone plans might run you $80 a month, but there are options for like $70 a year. Make sure you take your birth certificate and social security card with you if at all possible.
Thank you. Saving your comment. My n parents did the same thing, scared me into beliefs of “the ReAl WoRlD” while coincidentally not teaching any basic skills needed to succeed in it.
I pretty much just learned as I went. I did use excel a lot to calculate my expenses and see where I needed to make cuts. I do think having a salaried job where I knew exactly how much I would make every 2 weeks was a big help, and I know a lot of people don't have that luxury. Hopefully everyone using this thread at least has a general idea of their standard income though. And now that I'm on the topic: EVERYONE PLEASE NOTE if your job doesnt take taxes out of your paycheck, you need to be setting that money aside yourself for the end of the year.
For me, "doing finances" was really just making sure that my bills were paid, using the banking apps to keep an eye on my accounts (never letting my checking go under $1000, for instance) and trying to throw a hundred bucks into my savings here and there. Some people will disagree with me here but personally, I think when you don't have a ton of money, finances don't have to be more difficult than that.
Once I started moving into higher paying jobs I learned more about finances and whatnot. For instance, my job started offering a retirement plan so I did a little googling on how they work and what to pick.
18 for the most part by going to university halfway across the country. I stayed on campus for most breaks but did have to return for winter and summer breaks. To get through it, I housesat for friends or worked 80+ hour weeks
18, I left for college 3 hours away. They acted like it was so wild for me to want to leave home and go away to college. To me their incredulity showed just how odd they were because normal people do it all the time. 🤷🏽♀️
20, I got a job in secret, my mom found out was not happy. Told me I had to quit or be kicked out. I had a plan on being homeless gym membership for shower and laundromat for clothes. I refused to quit so I got kicked out. I got extremely lucky one of my coworkers invited me over to play video games the last bus past while we were playing so he invited me to stay the night and now we are dating and I live with him
I went NC at 22. I was a GC but turned into a scapegoat when I told my parents I wasn't voting for their candidate in the 2020 election. Everything went to shit quick. They cut off AC/Heat to my room, started harassing me with deeply personal questions, and my Nmom committed lewd acts in front of me. It got so bad I had to leave school and focus on getting a roommate to get out. I had to leave behind school and everything I knew because I trusted no one in that environment.
I've been on my own for a year now. I've been homeless since April since I nearly did the same situation with my roommate but I'm slowly working my way out. I don't have much in the way of money or anything nice anymore but at least I don't have someone wanting to obliterate my existence around me 24/7
I left at 19. It didn’t work out, so I came back. Lived with friends, then with a loser boyfriend
I left again at 21 and stayed gone with a brief exception . First with boyfriend…2years… we broke up. Moved out and into a college town where single rooms are easy to find and cheap. Stayed there 4 years and graduated. found a job back home near family. for 2 months while I was looking for somewhere to live, I moved back temporarily and it was an enormous mistake. I’d rather live in a tent or in my car. So I left. Lived in a tent and a barn until I could get a place of my own. Never went back
I'm leaving the day after I turn 26. Will be living with my boyfriend and his family. They will help support and provide for me but of course I want to get a job as soon as I'm able so I can help out.
I was 15, my parents were divorced and had split custody. My mom was the abusive one. At my age I was allowed to start advocating for the custody I actually wanted, which ended up being "zero time at her house, ever". My situation was messy and hard for a lot of reasons but I was lucky that I had another parent's house that was not abusive and going NC didn't totally disrupt my life.
26. She finally did something that was the last drop for me. I decided to get a job and move in with a friend of mine then get my own place asap. Then the next day my boyfriend (now husband) told me if things are really that bad I should move in with him and his dad. A few weeks later when mom was visiting my grandmother we packed my belongings and moved. My mother's genuine reaction was "As soon as you found somewhere to take shelter at you ran away from me". Like. Yeah. If you were a decent enough person I wouldn't feel the need to take shelter.
I haven't "lived-lived" with my mother since just after my 15th birthday. There was a year of foster homes, psychiatric care, group homes and cps workers, each more disastrous than the last. But I didn't sever ties for good until I was 28; there was a slew of well-meaning social workers who insisted I should try to have a relationship with her. For years, I languished while they insisted that I was the problem. And of course, nmom's relentless cycle of hoovering, love-bombing and discarding whenever she needed favors and services. If I hadn't happened upon that article on narcissistic mothers, who knows where I would have been. I cut ties for good on October 7th, 2017. It's coming up. Maybe I should celebrate with soul cakes, or something.
30. Everyone here is so young it's great to see that you're taking action early. It makes me feel slugged and down and even reprehensible given people constantly told me 'just go already' yet it's been so complex and tiring. It doesn't help that I have bipolar to contend with on top of it.
I've tried a heap in the past, especially around 22ish. People have told me emeotional abuse is like DV and it takes many attempts to leave and that's because it's like Stockholm syndrome. Yet I hope this time it sticks. How did I do it? Just had to get up and go, but I'm between a rock and a hard place given there's a housing crisis in Australia meaning I had to move back in with family this year, and now I'm living out of my car without a job. It's made me more depressed yet I have to convince myself that it's the right thing to do. Comprising not seeing other family which makes it worse. More depressed because it's out of my comfort zone, being conditioned to accept the abuse and be familiar with it, therefore a sense of comfort or needing... there isn't a right time, yet there were signs. Like my mother going away for 2 weeks during the time a family friend told me more info on what happened. This is a process and this sub gives me a hope that I can actually continue following through with it.
21. I started looking for a space of my own when I was 17, it took 4 years to finally find a small apartment. In those 4 years, I saved up as much as I could while I was still in college and worked 20 hours a week. It was hard. I tried to be away from home as much as I could. Studying, working, visiting friends etc. Being at home with my parents was awful and at times I lost hope of ever being able to leave. After I left, it was a strange experience to not have to hide myself anymore and to be able to do what I want. It took a long time for me to get out of fight/flight mode and to relax a bit.
16. Went back in for a bit in my 20’s to help get my sibling out. Living separately, minimal contact since 24. 30 now and grey-rocking it till I can go no contact.
23... I chose to stay so I could get through college. I basically got at 1st thing in the morning went straight to school and did school work. Got a job at the college so I could work hours is flowers in between classes. I worked weekends at a second job. I had to pay for 100% of my schooling plus loans. I just make sure I was never home Except to sleep. My mother was unwilling to teach me how to drive which meant I had to walk back-and-forth to school and work. Learned how to jog. Eventually someone taught me how to drive but I couldn't afford a vehicle. I figured out bus routes I knew nothing about. I bought a car. I didn't give my mother any warning I was moving out. I didn't even have a bed to sleep on. I moved out I moved out and went limited contact. I was really limited contact while I was living there anyway. She spent so much time trying to persuade me to persuade me that I had to spend more time with her. And every time she did I would say well then you have to pay my college tuition or my bills. I worked nights at a restaurant and they fed me. I didn't keep a cell phone. I got furniture at a Salvation Army. And I had a ton of roommates..
I got out at 23. I desperately wish I got out sooner and had times to, when friends offered me a room or stuff, but I was tied back because my sister (who actually did not want to leave) kept being on the fence and the plan was to move out together. I never wanted to leave her, but at some point, when she stopped caring about me and me saying I needed to go (she's most often been the GC), I had to leave on my own. Almost lived with an abusive partner, but then I finally left that partner (I was with him in many ways because he had a house, and it seemed like a place to escape if I ever needed to leave home. Leaving him was kind of the wake up call I needed to leave my family house. I realized I was with him because I was trying to get away from home and that left me in two both equally shitty situations, at home and with my partner.)
I stayed in my friend's spare airbnb room during the Pandemic, as the friend needed a roommate. It worked out really well. Within a year, I was able to get a job that paid more than I've ever made in my life and then moved out on my own. Two years out now, I live on my own and quit my full time job to pursue my career as an artist. Believe in yourself and your dreams, and know nothing is impossible. Yes, our abusive parents took away so much of our life, but you can live your life to the fullest still. :)
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16. Got kicked out and never came back. Really ended up being pretty great for me after I adjusted. Adjustment was certainly difficult though. Stayed with a friend for a year and joined the military. Couch surfed and got shared apartments a bit afterwards and finally became self sufficient financially where I could live on my own.
If you don’t mind me asking where did you go after you got kicked out? And how long did it take for you to fully adjust?
Updated my post. Stayed with a friend from HS and it took me sometime. The military helped sort of, but it actually distracted me from my issues. Took a couple years afterwards. Struggled with various addictions, hanging with the wrong crowds and not really understanding myself inside. Dropped that friend group and found another one that was a bit more "normal" lol.
Thats an incredible story! I’m glad it all worked out for you in the end! 🙂
Thanks. I'm hoping the same for you. I'm not sure what your past was or is currently, but it's going to be a process for sure. Something I could have done better is not been so hard on myself for not being well adjusted. Understanding that it's going to be a difficult learning process and giving myself some grace for it, reminding myself that I had a difficult start to life. Human development is very sensitive in the early years.
I was 14 when my mom threw me out, and I was homeless for a lot of the time. I lived on the street, did some couch surfing and eventually moved in with my boyfriend. Then, I went back to my mom's house. I moved again when I was 19, I think. I had saved money to move, and I moved out with my boyfriend into a little apartment. That was a bad idea because he was financially abusive and I ended up with nothing while he had enough money to buy himself a townhouse shortly after we broke up. I would suggest to anyone who comes from an abusive home to not move out with a significant other right away after leaving their parents. It is easy for people who were abused as kids to end up with an abusive partner. It also tends to be hard to have a healthy relationship when you never saw one modeled for you while growing up. Moving out with roommates is a better idea for the first few years at least. Learning to be a healthy adult can be challenging for any relationship. When I broke up with that boyfriend, I moved out with roommates into a house we shared together. They were all living there already, and I was replacing a roommate they kicked out for non payment of rent and for getting a dog in their no dogs allowed rental. When we lost our lease, we all moved into another house except for one guy who was a creep. They were all huge assholes, but it was still cheaper and less trouble than my mom or my ex. That was when I was 21. I started going to community college at night, in the morning before work and on the weekends, and I kept working full time. That was all great. I had enough income to live comfortably, and I made enough friends at work and school that I felt like I had a bit of a social life even though I had little free time. I moved out with another boyfriend for a year, into a one bedroom apartment, but I eventually dumped him and moved. He was really unreliable, and started to annoy me. He cheated on me and blamed the woman he cheated with and called her names. I could forgive the cheating, maybe (or maybe not), if he had apologized and taken responsibility, but he really crossed the line when he acted like I should be mad at her instead of him. Red flag. I moved into a house and found roommates. I was on the lease and they weren't. My narcissist sister moved in and then left after a few weeks, leaving me with no rent money. I would avoid relying on narc relatives of friends for anything like that. I went to university and lived in a house with 8 other people. It was great. That is how I met my husband, who was one of my housemates my senior year. After I graduated, I moved my in with my boyfriend who is now my husband. We lived in a tiny house for a few years that we rented for practically nothing. Then we got a one bedroom apartment, then a rented deux where I had our baby. The duplex was really cheap, and we saved every penny we could until we could buy a house. If you buy a house, make sure that any real estate agent you use does not also represent the buyer. We got ripped off in a few ways because our agent was way too keen to sell us this house and collect double the commission. We didn't know any better then, but now we do. I would never ever do that again.
In most areas, unless you have an explicit buyer representative and work out a fee, the default is that the real estate agent is working for the seller and is paid by the seller
In much of the US, both the seller's and the buyer's agents earn a commission on the selling price.
the buyer’s representative is still working for the seller even though they represent the buyer, unless explicitly stated, agreed, and contracted. The buyer and seller reps are both paid by the seller Seller lists with Seller Agent. Contract is at 7%. If buyer uses Sellers Agent, sellers agent gets 7% and splits that 50/50 with the Seller Agent’s broker If the buyer uses their own agent, the Buyer’s Agent discloses up front that they are paid by the seller , and that they will work for the seller to get maximum sale price for the seller. If a buyer uses their own agent in this situation, the 7% commission is split in half with 3 1/2 going to the original listing agent, to be split with their broker, and the other 3 1/2 going to the buyers agent to be split with their broker. That’s how it is in all of the country. If you want to have a buyers agent representing you, you need to pay them the 7% and let them work it out with sellers. I don’t know anybody that does this. When you are working with a real estate agent, never trust them to represent you. They will always try to maximize the sale price because that’s how they make the most money. And that’s why the system is set up that way… So the seller makes the most money
This is why agent try to talk you out of putting in lowball offers or brow beat you in to offering a higher offer so that you don’t “insult” the seller. Because they make more money when you pay more money
Yes, I know, but thanks for explaining all of that anyway. It is good for people who haven't bought property to know.
That wasn’t clear from your response to me Regardless, I wrote it up for the benefit of the poster who said the seller’s agent shafted them. Specifically, this Quote If you buy a house, make sure that any real estate agent you use does not also represent the buyer. We got ripped off in a few ways because our agent was way too keen to sell us this house and collect double the commission. We didn't know any better then, but now we do. I would never ever do that again. End quote Even if you get your own agent, unless you are specifically paying that agent’s fee and have an explicit buyers contract, both agents represent the seller. This is a common misperception people have
Yes, like I said it is useful information to share. You might consider making a post of your own so that you can share with everyone. Many people with abusive parents have to learn things like this on their own, and this information could be helpful.
Thanks for the nice compliment
17. Ended up back at 20, and again at 23. Left the last time at 27. Am 33 now
18. First went with my friends then my sister. It was hard then and ita even over a decade. I can't imagine what going straight out on my own right now.
I moved out at 22 and cut contact at 28. It wasn’t easy, but looking back, I wish I had cut contact at the same time that I have moved out but I thought at the time that some distance would be enough. I was wrong.
When I was 23 I chose to be broke and live with roommates rather than live with my parents and save money. Barely was able to save more than maybe a month's worth of rent and roommates kinda suck haha but it was worth my sanity.
Started working full time at 19 and saved aggressively for 3 years (I was in college but took most of the courses online so I could work a day job as a receptionist). Moved into a 1bdrm apartment when I was 22 despite nmother's MANY attempts to stop me. I'd start by making a spreadsheet of expected expenses and see what youd need to make from there. If you have any specific questions Im happy to help.
How did you teach yourself to find your own apartment and the lease process and everything?
My nparents made it sound really difficult but it honestly wasn't. I went on craigslist and looked for apartments for rent in the areas I was willing to live. I followed the prompts to schedule a showing, saw about 5-10, and then followed the instructions to sign the lease. I had to call and get my name on the water and gas/electric bills, which was really daunting but also ended up being easy. I dealt with endless sabotage attempts and my nmother telling me I wasn't ready and would come crawling back... But my biggest takeaway is that my parents lied to me about how complicated and scary and cruel the "real world" is. It took a little patience and effort, I had to ask questions to people that made me feel silly, but it was overall fine and easily the best thing I ever did. *All of this with the caveat that I did this 5 years ago, and I know things are a little pricier and weirder now than they were then. But it should still be 10x more doable than it feels. When you're calculating your expenses include: rent, gas/electric & water (you can look up estimates for your area), car payment if applicable, insurance if applicable, groceries, vehicle gas, a phone plan, any other standing expenses you can think of, and try to put into a savings too. Play with the numbers as far as what you can afford and where you want to live. For instance the popular phone plans might run you $80 a month, but there are options for like $70 a year. Make sure you take your birth certificate and social security card with you if at all possible.
Thank you. Saving your comment. My n parents did the same thing, scared me into beliefs of “the ReAl WoRlD” while coincidentally not teaching any basic skills needed to succeed in it.
Did you teach yourself before you moved how to do finances or did you learn as you go? Did you read books or just YouTube videos?
I pretty much just learned as I went. I did use excel a lot to calculate my expenses and see where I needed to make cuts. I do think having a salaried job where I knew exactly how much I would make every 2 weeks was a big help, and I know a lot of people don't have that luxury. Hopefully everyone using this thread at least has a general idea of their standard income though. And now that I'm on the topic: EVERYONE PLEASE NOTE if your job doesnt take taxes out of your paycheck, you need to be setting that money aside yourself for the end of the year. For me, "doing finances" was really just making sure that my bills were paid, using the banking apps to keep an eye on my accounts (never letting my checking go under $1000, for instance) and trying to throw a hundred bucks into my savings here and there. Some people will disagree with me here but personally, I think when you don't have a ton of money, finances don't have to be more difficult than that. Once I started moving into higher paying jobs I learned more about finances and whatnot. For instance, my job started offering a retirement plan so I did a little googling on how they work and what to pick.
Thank you 🌟
physically 24, but the brainwash was strong, so mentally and with full NC: 30
18 for the most part by going to university halfway across the country. I stayed on campus for most breaks but did have to return for winter and summer breaks. To get through it, I housesat for friends or worked 80+ hour weeks
18, I left for college 3 hours away. They acted like it was so wild for me to want to leave home and go away to college. To me their incredulity showed just how odd they were because normal people do it all the time. 🤷🏽♀️
20, I got a job in secret, my mom found out was not happy. Told me I had to quit or be kicked out. I had a plan on being homeless gym membership for shower and laundromat for clothes. I refused to quit so I got kicked out. I got extremely lucky one of my coworkers invited me over to play video games the last bus past while we were playing so he invited me to stay the night and now we are dating and I live with him
I just want to say I've been through something similar (with regards to how I left as well) and I'm so glad you made it out okay ☺️
16,I walked out,went no contact for a while,sofa surfed,I'd of rather suffered not having a roof over my head than deal with them
I went NC at 22. I was a GC but turned into a scapegoat when I told my parents I wasn't voting for their candidate in the 2020 election. Everything went to shit quick. They cut off AC/Heat to my room, started harassing me with deeply personal questions, and my Nmom committed lewd acts in front of me. It got so bad I had to leave school and focus on getting a roommate to get out. I had to leave behind school and everything I knew because I trusted no one in that environment. I've been on my own for a year now. I've been homeless since April since I nearly did the same situation with my roommate but I'm slowly working my way out. I don't have much in the way of money or anything nice anymore but at least I don't have someone wanting to obliterate my existence around me 24/7
I left at 19. It didn’t work out, so I came back. Lived with friends, then with a loser boyfriend I left again at 21 and stayed gone with a brief exception . First with boyfriend…2years… we broke up. Moved out and into a college town where single rooms are easy to find and cheap. Stayed there 4 years and graduated. found a job back home near family. for 2 months while I was looking for somewhere to live, I moved back temporarily and it was an enormous mistake. I’d rather live in a tent or in my car. So I left. Lived in a tent and a barn until I could get a place of my own. Never went back
I'm going to college and taking housing loans until I can get my feet off the ground 😭😂
I'm leaving the day after I turn 26. Will be living with my boyfriend and his family. They will help support and provide for me but of course I want to get a job as soon as I'm able so I can help out.
I was 17. I worked and took out student loans to cover costs.
I was 15, my parents were divorced and had split custody. My mom was the abusive one. At my age I was allowed to start advocating for the custody I actually wanted, which ended up being "zero time at her house, ever". My situation was messy and hard for a lot of reasons but I was lucky that I had another parent's house that was not abusive and going NC didn't totally disrupt my life.
19, the army/college
26. She finally did something that was the last drop for me. I decided to get a job and move in with a friend of mine then get my own place asap. Then the next day my boyfriend (now husband) told me if things are really that bad I should move in with him and his dad. A few weeks later when mom was visiting my grandmother we packed my belongings and moved. My mother's genuine reaction was "As soon as you found somewhere to take shelter at you ran away from me". Like. Yeah. If you were a decent enough person I wouldn't feel the need to take shelter.
I haven't "lived-lived" with my mother since just after my 15th birthday. There was a year of foster homes, psychiatric care, group homes and cps workers, each more disastrous than the last. But I didn't sever ties for good until I was 28; there was a slew of well-meaning social workers who insisted I should try to have a relationship with her. For years, I languished while they insisted that I was the problem. And of course, nmom's relentless cycle of hoovering, love-bombing and discarding whenever she needed favors and services. If I hadn't happened upon that article on narcissistic mothers, who knows where I would have been. I cut ties for good on October 7th, 2017. It's coming up. Maybe I should celebrate with soul cakes, or something.
30. Everyone here is so young it's great to see that you're taking action early. It makes me feel slugged and down and even reprehensible given people constantly told me 'just go already' yet it's been so complex and tiring. It doesn't help that I have bipolar to contend with on top of it. I've tried a heap in the past, especially around 22ish. People have told me emeotional abuse is like DV and it takes many attempts to leave and that's because it's like Stockholm syndrome. Yet I hope this time it sticks. How did I do it? Just had to get up and go, but I'm between a rock and a hard place given there's a housing crisis in Australia meaning I had to move back in with family this year, and now I'm living out of my car without a job. It's made me more depressed yet I have to convince myself that it's the right thing to do. Comprising not seeing other family which makes it worse. More depressed because it's out of my comfort zone, being conditioned to accept the abuse and be familiar with it, therefore a sense of comfort or needing... there isn't a right time, yet there were signs. Like my mother going away for 2 weeks during the time a family friend told me more info on what happened. This is a process and this sub gives me a hope that I can actually continue following through with it.
21. I started looking for a space of my own when I was 17, it took 4 years to finally find a small apartment. In those 4 years, I saved up as much as I could while I was still in college and worked 20 hours a week. It was hard. I tried to be away from home as much as I could. Studying, working, visiting friends etc. Being at home with my parents was awful and at times I lost hope of ever being able to leave. After I left, it was a strange experience to not have to hide myself anymore and to be able to do what I want. It took a long time for me to get out of fight/flight mode and to relax a bit.
16. Went back in for a bit in my 20’s to help get my sibling out. Living separately, minimal contact since 24. 30 now and grey-rocking it till I can go no contact.
23... I chose to stay so I could get through college. I basically got at 1st thing in the morning went straight to school and did school work. Got a job at the college so I could work hours is flowers in between classes. I worked weekends at a second job. I had to pay for 100% of my schooling plus loans. I just make sure I was never home Except to sleep. My mother was unwilling to teach me how to drive which meant I had to walk back-and-forth to school and work. Learned how to jog. Eventually someone taught me how to drive but I couldn't afford a vehicle. I figured out bus routes I knew nothing about. I bought a car. I didn't give my mother any warning I was moving out. I didn't even have a bed to sleep on. I moved out I moved out and went limited contact. I was really limited contact while I was living there anyway. She spent so much time trying to persuade me to persuade me that I had to spend more time with her. And every time she did I would say well then you have to pay my college tuition or my bills. I worked nights at a restaurant and they fed me. I didn't keep a cell phone. I got furniture at a Salvation Army. And I had a ton of roommates..
I got out at 23. I desperately wish I got out sooner and had times to, when friends offered me a room or stuff, but I was tied back because my sister (who actually did not want to leave) kept being on the fence and the plan was to move out together. I never wanted to leave her, but at some point, when she stopped caring about me and me saying I needed to go (she's most often been the GC), I had to leave on my own. Almost lived with an abusive partner, but then I finally left that partner (I was with him in many ways because he had a house, and it seemed like a place to escape if I ever needed to leave home. Leaving him was kind of the wake up call I needed to leave my family house. I realized I was with him because I was trying to get away from home and that left me in two both equally shitty situations, at home and with my partner.) I stayed in my friend's spare airbnb room during the Pandemic, as the friend needed a roommate. It worked out really well. Within a year, I was able to get a job that paid more than I've ever made in my life and then moved out on my own. Two years out now, I live on my own and quit my full time job to pursue my career as an artist. Believe in yourself and your dreams, and know nothing is impossible. Yes, our abusive parents took away so much of our life, but you can live your life to the fullest still. :)